#thats not really what i look like but close enough
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danyasblogsblog · 17 hours ago
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MY LIVING LEGEND KEEGAN RUSS
warnings : SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, death, grief, gunshots, sad ending, SOO angsty, probably more
- after y/n’s best friend, ajax’s death, they havent been the same. in the end, all they want is to die. until they dont want too.
based off the lana del rey song, living legend
a/n: magpie is your codename!! finallyyyy im doing a gender neutral reader!! hope u guys enjoy. sorry if it all moves too fast. im not very used to writing long fics.
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‘tangos. next building.’
the afternoon horizon glistened as gunshots reverberated through the air. the burgundy hats worn by federation soldiers fell off as they dropped to their knees, crimson blood rippling out of their chests. you held your sniper scope up to your eye, holding your gun in a white knuckle grip. as soon as you spotted one of those maroon hats, your trigger went off. the gunshot was loud, but your headgear stopped the sound from blowing out your eardrums. you watched as the solider fell backwards, blood pooling out of his bullet wound. a sigh escaped your mouth as you pulled the scope away from your face, holding it against your chest.
‘nice shot kid, almost getting better than me.’ keegan’s voice was like an angel call from behind you, and his calloused hand went to grip your shoulder. ‘almost? wow, could you be more narcissistic?’ you chuckled.
‘just watch and learn.’
you stared as keegan removed his firm grip on your shoulder and pulled out his gun from his back. he brought it close to his face, and his hands lingered over the trigger. of course, you thought to yourself, safety is already off. his eyes scanned the nearby buildings for federation soldiers, and within a matter of seconds, he spotted one. pulling the trigger, the man was dead on impact. the death rattle shook his body, as a pool of blood circled itself around him.
‘thats how its done, kid.’
keegan looked down at you, waiting for your approval. ‘wow, mr living legend. that was a beautiful shot.’ you quipped, silently clapping for him. before he could respond, merrick’s voice erupted out of your radio. ‘everyone, move forward. enemy contact ahead in further buildings.’
you huffed out of your mouth as you and keegan made your way out of the abandoned house. you thought about the memories that were once created in the very room you and keegan were killing people in. were those people who lived there even alive anymore?
‘whats on your mind, magpie?’
keegan’s voice slightly startled you. ‘nothing.’ you muttered. it really was nothing- you didnt have time to be worrying about the people who once lived in the houses you and your team ended lives in- especially when your life was at stake.
keegan looked bothered by your answer, but nevertheless, you two continued walking. side by side, arms lightly grazing eachother when you wandered a bit to his direction. soon enough, you met up with the rest of the ghosts.
‘keep working with the people you’re with now, don’t split up. there are too many of them for us to risk it.’
merrick’s barked orders were copied and obeyed as everyone slowly split up with their partners. keegan’s footsteps echoed yours in a rhythmic manner.
you knew why he told everyone to not split up.
‘theres a building up there- high enough to see everything. we set up there to prepare. be quiet though, because sometimes federation soldiers are surrounding the building.’ his words were confidently spoken, and you followed pursuit.
*+:。.。  。.。:+*
‘imagine falling off this thing.’
you looked down through a broken window in the building, the ground seeming so far away.
‘well you better not, im not dragging your dead ass back to fort santa monica, y/n’
‘you’d cry if i died, i know you would.’ you imitated a crying face, and wiped imaginary tears from your cheeks. you chuckled and keegan rolled his eyes. your hushed voices could only be heard by each-other as the shuffling of footsteps from keegan echoed off the walls, bouncing back to you two quietly.
the sound of gunshots and spanish orders being screamed frantically switched a flip in the two of you- your joking demeanours suddenly serious and concentrated. you pulled your gun out of your back sling, taking off the safety. you glared as you stared into the scope, searching for the familiar burgundy hats that you had learned to hate.
‘see anything, magpie?’
keegan pulled up close behind you, and you could feel his breath on your neck as he leaned down to your ear. his silent whispers to you were like a mantra you wish could be repeated thousands of times. ‘nothing. not a single solider in sight.’ you mumbled.
he leaned back up, straightening his back.
you put your scope down, your eyes finally resting, and the tension in your jaw relaxing. you sighed. spanish was heard below you and keegan. you immediately pulled a pistol out of your holster, your reflexes making your body move fast. footsteps and creaking floorboards could be heard, and to say you were on edge would be an understatement.
‘its fine, kid. they wont come up.’ keegan’s hushed voice soothed you, but you were still unable to shake the feeling of the need too protect him and yourself. ‘did you hear me? its fine.’ he was a bit louder now, but there was still not a chance in hell the enemy could hear him. the floorboard creaking and quiet voices stopped after a matter of seconds. ‘better safe than sorry.’
silence.
you raised an eyebrow at keegan, wondering why he was suddenly muted.
‘i know you still blame yourself, y/n.’
first mistake.
your silence indicated you knew exactly what he was talking about. something that killed you inside. ajax’s death.
you had blamed yourself for it- you took one minute apart from him and when you had returned, a bloody trail and a missing ajax were all to be seen. the multiple nightmares you had had the days following his disappearance plagued you, even to this day, it still did. thinking about how, maybe, his death could’ve been avoided if you had just listened to your gut.
you still remembered the day he died. when keegan held him as he died in his arms. when you guys had gone between hell and earth to find him- just for him to die the minute you got your hands on him.
you still remembered sobbing in keegan’s arms with your head pounding, blaming yourself and wanting to just die. since that day, suicidal thoughts carried around you. you just wanted ajax back. he was your best friend- the first ghost you met. he was the first person you told about your crush on keegan. you would do anything for 5 more minutes with him- to tell him how sorry you were. to tell him how much you cared about him.
‘it wasnt your fault. you know that.’
you were silent. the way keegan’s smooth voice talked about it made something rattle inside of you. you felt weak. you were distracted. your airway felt tightened- as if you were being choked. tears threatened to fall but you couldnt dare yourself to let them roll down your cheeks. you had to focus. you had too.
keegan thought about what you had said earlier, about dying. come to think about it, he liked you a bit to much for your death. he didnt want you to be just another funeral he’d have to attend. he wanted you to be alive. he’d miss the concentrated face you made when you were on a mission. all the memories you two had together.
*+:。.。  。.。:+*
‘i saved you a chocolate bar, kee.’
‘how healthy.’
‘i know, right?’
*+:。.。  。.。:+*
you fell silent. gunshots could still be heard, and it was the only thing that was stopping you from falling apart. the fact that you were on a mission, and it wasnt the time to fuck around.
‘keegan, this isnt the time.’ you huffed. you so badly wanted to talk about it, but how could you? it simply wasnt the moment, and both you and keegan knew this subject wouldnt come up again for a long time. you thought keegan would stop pestering you with questions, that maybe, he would just leave it. but oh, how wrong you were.
his strong, broad frame walked over to you, and his wintry blue eyes stared down into yours. his hands firmly gripped onto the back of your elbows, not too tight, but he had a stable grip. god, you thought, i forgot how stubborn this man is.
‘i wanted to talk about this with you, and i know its not a good time too right now, but i dont get another opportunity like this again.’
keegan was a man of very few words- his eyes and actions speaking more than his mouth did, but now, you could tell he was serious. you pulled your eyes away from his, but the intense glare he carried still was focused on you.
‘keegan-’
a louder gunshot could be heard- one closer to you and keegan’s position. immediately, you felt on edge. but keegan’s grip on you tightened, and you felt compelled to stay where you were. that was your second mistake.
‘ajax wouldnt want you to blame yourself. you.. you doing this to yourself is hurting you. its distracted you for months i can tell. you’re always on edge, you just arent the same. the jokes you make arent the same. you just aren’t right.’
‘keegan stop. youre not.. youre not a fucking therapist. just leave me alone, i dont want to talk about this.’
third mistake.
your annoyed tone set something off in keegan- you’d never been like that with him. you had always been even-tempered, something the rest of the ghosts admired. your words, enunciated by the way your voice seemed sharper to him now, made him furrow his eyebrows as he stared down at you. he let go off your arms, but for some reason, you longed for his touch still. you shook off the feeling, and stepped away from him.
*+:。.。  。.。:+*
you didnt know how it happened.
the spray of blood sprinkled itself over the walls as it erupted from you like a fountain. the ringing in your ears felt like the devil screaming at you as you fell back, your head hitting the wooden floorboards.
a wail of pain escaped your lips as your hands travelled your stomach trying to find the bullet wound, and when you finally laid your fingers on it, your body felt stiff.
suddenly, all your fantasies of dying and killing yourself were gone. now, you just wanted to live. your life was fading, and it was fading so quickly.
keegan had rushed over to you, screaming into his radio, telling merrick you got hit. over the incessant ringing in your ears, you could hear the panic in his voice. his trembling hands went to your wound, examining it. birds sung as he begged you to open your eyes- the sun’s light slowly fading, just like you.
‘magpie, y/n, open your eyes, open your fucking eyes, please.’
keegan’s eyes were horrified when he saw what he was looking at. blood trickled from your mouth, falling off your chin, and your uniform was stained with crimson.
‘kee-’
you tried to say his name, but only half came out. blood spluttered out of your mouth as you wailed in agony. ‘speak to me, y/n, solider. come on, talk to me.’
keegan ripped open his medical pouch, taking out some gauze in an attempt to prevent more blood from spilling out your wound. it pooled around you as you tried to speak. ‘i- i just want to..’
you were appalled at how difficult it was to talk. it was like your vocal cords had been ripped out, and all that was left to leave your mouth were gasps that made your lungs ache. ‘keep going, magpie, come on.’
‘i- i always wanted to.. die, after aja..ajax.. but i just want to- to live.. now’ every few seconds you had to pause your speaking so you could cough out blood. it blocked your airway as if it was trying to silence your cries. ‘i dont- i dont wanna di..die im not- not ready.’
keegan’s hope of you living was slowly disappearing. the bullet was still lodged in your stomach, ripping at muscle and letting its molten heat play with your flesh. ‘you’re not gonna die, im not letting you, im not. youre gonna live, for me and for merrick and the other ghosts and ajax, especially him, okay?’
even though keegan was trying to calm you, he could barely keep calm himself. his breathing felt difficult and forced as he watched the life escape from you. your eyes were still fluttered closed, but tears ran down your cheeks, mixing with blood as they went further. ‘please.. p-please keegan, i dont want too di-’ ‘stop talking like that, youre gonna be just fine, i promise.’
it was a ridiculous thing to promise. oh, how keegan wished he hadn’t said that. he knew. he didnt want to think about it, but he knew deep down what was gonna happen. ‘im not ready, god. god.. im not ready… i wanna.. i wanna..’
‘come on, keep talking to me, please.’
keeping you talking has keegan’s way of making sure you were still awake- that, atleast your body could keep your lips moving with phonics.
keegan felt so weak. wrapping the gauze around you felt like covering your corpse with a cloth. ‘i wanna live.. and be.. with- with you.’
keegan was taken back by what you said, to say the least. his heart thumped against his sternum, as if it was trying to escape. blood mixed with phlegm coughed and spluttered itself onto his balaclava from your mouth, but he couldnt care less.
he tightly wrapped the once white, but now, deep ruby red gauze around your waist. he stared at your face as your lips trembled, his hands tying a tourniquet at the end of the gauze.
‘i.. i wanna be with you too, y/n.’
*+:。.。  。.。:+*
they say hearing is the last sense to go. however, speaking was the last thing you ever did.
‘you re..really are, my living legend.’
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kacievvbbbb · 2 days ago
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The Donovan Desmond Theory
In light of the latest chapter.
Donovan Desmond is giving serious Reginal Hargreeves vibes.
But like if I had suspicions that he was a bad dude or at least is involved in some bad things then that’s been cleared up a little bit in the most recent chapters.
I don’t know if I fully believe Desmond is an alien like Melinda thinks I think maybe he has a non human quality to him (like say something like Anya’s powers) combined with his general lack of human understanding it seems I think him being an alien is Melinda’s explanation for what is happening (or you now chances are he could be one but so far the story has remained fairly grounded and so im inclined to believe it will stay that way)
But what I think is most liek let is that he is the one behind the scientific experiments that Anya, bond and probably a whole lot of other dogs and children were subjected to that gave them powers.
Also
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Look at the scars on his head. This is just a little lower than where Anya’s comes (which i think are kind of connected to her powers or atleast covering up something connected to her powers) sit. And honestly they just look like brain experimentation scars.
So initially I thought maybe he was the founder of the experimenting giving powers organization looking for a way to perfect or gain powers but now I think that maybe he was one of the first kids to be experimented on. Maybe he was the only one/ one of the only ones/ the most successful experiment, to survive the process and so they make him the poster child of the project and he grows up within it and they are essentially the shadow organization pulling the strings and orchestrating his life. That would explain why he seems to lack so much proper human socialization skills and why he appears odd enough that Melinda thinks he’s an alien.
Or maybe the original organization fell apart in the lead up to the first war and now he’s rebuilding it to try and continue the work or fix what’s wrong with him but I’m inclined to believe he just believes in the work.
All this to say that I think Desmond can read minds like Anya. I think the boys and his family might be part of some side experiment he’s running to see if these powers can be passed down through dna and so he got himself (or the organization set him up with) a family. I think thats the reason he spent a lot of time up close and personal seemingly monitoring Demetrius and his progress. Trying to see if he would develop any special abilities. But he doesn’t and that why Donovan seems to lose interest in his family.
But I think during this time Desmond teaches Demetrius (without explicitly explaining why or what they are doing) how to be impervious to having his mind read I’m guessing incase Demetrius did show promise and would be brought into the fold, and that’s why Anya can’t read him but he seems to have internalized this as simply just not having a stream of consciousness. The only time we hear his thoughts is when he’s thinking about things in the abstract and that’s probably the key to it. He focuses soley on what he is doing right then in every moment and so thereby doesn’t mule anything over enough to have an internal conversation with himself he was probably taught not to “waste time pondering”anything and just to act when it is appropriate to do so, disguised as a very strange business lesson. As he was probably being very intensely instructed on this. But Demetrius shows no signs of any developing powers so Desmond kind of just pushes him to the way side which must have been jarring to suddenly be so unimportant to your father after so many years of such intense observation
Which is why I think Demetrius harbors anger towards his father and doesn’t understand him because what were the lessons for and why did they abruptly stop and why doesn’t anything he do seem to bring them back? But he never really investigates this deeply because the act of not pondering was instilled within him deeply.
So yeah. I think Donovan Desmond can read minds I would also kind of say him saying “this was a worth while evening” after sitting in silence with his family makes me feel like he just read their minds (those of which he could read) and got what he needed to. Which also makes me believe he is still running some kind of passive experiment on them and that’s why he doesn’t want Melinda to interact with Damian so much maybe he’s going the opposite route and seeing if neglect will allow the boys to awaken their possibly latent abilities. I don’t know man I’m just tapping 🤷🏿‍♀️ Donovan Desmond just has the look of someone that’s been experimented on whole Demetrius has the look of someone who withstood all kinds of psychological torture from a young age. Take all this with a grain of salt
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crystalmagpie447 · 9 hours ago
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mmm, good good, excellent
*pulling up a chair and looking at you with my big ol eyes*
Tell me more about your boys! What's their personalities? How do they treat each other? How do they each interact with yn? Anything you have I will eat up, and no worries if there's certain things you're still waiting to reveal :)
THERE IT IS!!
Plotline (or soemthing): management decides to give the daycare attendant wings, after an accident that caused their zipline to break midair ☠️. (This isnt thatbig of an unusual change because every human type person has wings ((avians??idk i just like wings)
Somehow during maintenance, sun and moon get tha virus™ 
This makes them more irrated/closed off/nervous than usual, but they dont understand why (virus gets worse as the story progresses, y/n takes it upon themselves to figure out how to help)
Personalities!!
- Sun (pre-upgrade): joyous and silly!! For the kids at least 
Never really liked talking w/ human staff because they never talk to him
(Post upgrade and when reader starts working at the plex): joyous and silly still!!! But as time goes on you wonder how much of it is an act. His smile only really seems full when hes entertaining the children, and you figure its because thats what he was built for. 
Usually steers you away from topics and conversations he does not want to talk about, but if you pry too much hell probably snap and saysomething mean (OURGH i think itd be easier to draw or write interactions in order to explainthis better sorry☠️☠️)
Nicknames for reader: buttercup, busybee, sunshine
Moon (pre- upgrade)
Jestery and silly!! Ofc ofc but also a kind/ comforting presence, loved naptime, and the kids loved him!!! 
Never interacted with human staff tho, but if he ever caught  a worker (or any adult rlly)  staring at him, or saying mean things abt either attendants, hed probably stare creepily at them untill they got freaked out and ran away lol OR find someother way to spook them if that wasnt scary enough)
(post upgrade)
Alot less patient, alot more mean/intimidating (and off-putting)
Parents (and staff) complained abt him acting weird and most stopped taking their kids to the daycare 
Soo sun takes over naptime, and moon becomes security at night (yesyes the usual ☝️)
When y/n meets him hes mean and tricky, because he expects them to be just like all the other staff
But when he realises youre not, (and at times when hes more in control) his slightly ill-intended pranks lighten up to teasing and playfulness (huzzah!!)
Has a music box in his chest 
Nicknames for reader: dragonfly, nightengale, starlight
(THEY CAN BOTH FLY!! How?? Idk ☠️)
Reader: s ome guy (lol) (in their early 20’s orsomething ((ill probably never really mention this if i ever do choose to write stuff, so ‘tis up for interpretation!!) looking for a job 
Juggling college and hoping to earn some money on the side 
Has some kind of defect where their wings stopped growing at one point, and are too small to allow them to fly 
Personality: ourrgh i dont think ive thought too much abt their personality actually LOL
S t ubborn (will get irritated but cares too much to give up!!)
Jumps to conclusions but will wait until evidence is provided in order to believe said conclusions (doesnt want to be wrong or annoying) 
Nickname for sun: sunny
Nickname for moon: moon-man
@midnight-mourning
HAVE AT THEE!!!
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darksigns-exe · 3 days ago
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Hiii, I'm totally a Folio girl, but that Darius pic got me thinking about you being Darius's ex but still close to him, his band and the guys because you were friends before. Folio starts liking you and he gets a huge crush on you but is terrified of Darius because he is Darius Tehrani. He is super insecure but you are super sweet and secretly into him too and the guys (Noah or something) have to reassure him that Darius is not going to destroy him or something
now thats a good thought
warnings: alcohol consumption, boys being a little dumb
Nick knows that you know that he’s watching you. 
He usually is. 
It’s hard to look away. 
He’s never acted upon that little crush he’s been harbouring on you, but he also can’t force it to go away. 
The issue is your ex. 
It’s not that the guy is stopping you from seeing other people or anything, he’s just – a little intimidating. He’s only really seen him on stage and a few times in passing, and what he’s seen has been enough to make him keep his distance. 
He looks away just as you look towards him. 
Nick really doesn’t mind that you’re still friends with your ex. It just makes making a move a little more difficult. 
He’d hoped that he could use the occasion to move things into a different direction. Nick hadn’t anticipated that Noah would invite Darius – or that he’d show up with his whole band. 
You’re squished in between Darius and his brother, happily chatting with them. Nick’s been waiting for his chance all evening, but it just doesn’t want to come.
He retreats into the kitchen, trying to get away from the scene. 
You enter the kitchen just as he plucks a beer from the fridge. 
“Can you get me one too?” 
He jumps a little, obviously spooked by your sudden appearance. 
You hop up on the counter, watching as he pulls a second bottle from the fridge. 
“How was your tour? Did things go alright?” you ask, taking a sip from your beer. 
Nick gives a quick nod, “No hiccups. Crowds were fun too.”  
He remains at a safe distance, leaning against the counter opposite you. 
“That’s good. I’m glad you had a good time. Are you doing anything fun while you’re on break?” 
You’ve been trying your hardest to get him to crack. You know that he has at least some interest in you, but you can’t for the life of you understand why he’s not doing anything about it. As far as you’re concerned, you’ve made it clear that you’re also interested in him. You’re not sure how much more of your complaining about this your friends can take. 
Nick gives a vague response about his not really fixed plans. 
“So if I need help setting up that bookshelf I ordered, I could call you?” You ask, hoping that he’ll bite this time. 
“I — sure, yes.” He stammers. 
It’s good enough for you. 
You’re not sure if it’ll actually happen, but you’re willing to be hopeful. 
You hear Alex call your name from the living room, prompting you to hop off the counter again. 
“I’m counting on your help now!” You say as you head back to the rest of your group. 
Nick is still bracing himself on the counter when Noah finds him. 
“Did you finally tell her?” He asks, coming to stand next to him. 
When Nick doesn’t answer he lets out a heavy sigh, “You know that she’ll eventually get someone else right?” 
“I know.”
“So what’s stopping you? You like her. She obviously likes you. Where’s the hurdle?”
“That ex of hers.”
Noah blinks at him for a moment, “Darius? What about him? He didn’t say anything, did he?”
Nick shakes his head, “I’m not about to step onto that guy's territory.”
“Territory? They’re friends Nick. Darius is a great guy.” He says with a laugh, “Have you ever even talked to him? I don’t think that he’s going to stand in the way of his friend's happiness. Even if they used to date at some point. Make your move.”
The party is slowly simmering down, and you decide to step outside for a little breather. 
You’re alone for maybe five minutes before the sliding door opens again. You don’t have to check to know who is joining you. 
“So when’s that bookshelf coming?” Nick asks, and you feel a little bit of warmth blooming in your chest.
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askraddyred · 5 hours ago
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*Raddy watches closely for reactions and responses. A lot of the time if someone's tone or words doesnt give them away, physical reactions and facial expressions might. Hes not really sure what those "event" were, but hes smart enough not to push it. Clearly the topic isnt the most comfortable area for Simon, and he'd prefer to keep the other calm and comfortable in his presence*, thats alright too*
" Huh. How about I make one with and one without the tofu and if you dont like the one with tofu, you'll have one without it. "
*It wasnt about Simon's looks or the fact that it was Simon touching him. Hes just not all that used to or too fond of touch out of the blue. He prefers to be warned about touch before being touched. Thank god it wasnt a hug or grabbing him in any way or he would have flipped his lid. It probably would have ended with lots of teeth and claws and that wouldnt have been good. He doesnt seem bothered by his back being rubbed though*
" Yea. We can go. Ya wanna speed it up and run or you wanna walk? Im fine with either, so its up to you. "
*Yes, he would prefer to be quick about it, but when it comes down to it he really doesnt care how fast they go as long as they actually get there. If Simon chooses to walk, he'd be fine with that and if Simon chooses to run thats alright too. Really its all up to Simon*
There's loud sniffing noises for a moment and the sounds of what sounds like many legs tap on the ground as something large approaches.
Soon a large dull yellow creature comes into view that sniffs at the ground.
It looks like Simon... But as some weird mutilated creature. Tho it seems harmless.
@the-aftermath-of-simon
*Raddy quickly backs up, holding his breath, his eyes wide as saucers as he stares at the creature in front of him. His first instinct is to try to attack it, however, before he can actually attempt to he stops. It looks. . . familiar. It bears a resemblance to someone he knows. It somewhat looks like. . . Simon. Its mutilated and honestly a bit unnerving to look at but its undeniably the yellow sprunki*
*He exhales softly, and creeps forward, lowering his body down slightly in a similar fashion to a frightened cat. He keeps a close eye on the thing, and stays on-edge because a lot of things that dont look dangerous or aggressive could indeed be the opposite of what they seem. He stops close to the creature, taking a deep breath before reaching out to poke at it a few times, quite ready to swing a fist if it snaps at or attacks him*
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broke-on-books · 2 years ago
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Got inspired and doodled this in *checks notes* 5 minutes. Anyways... tis him
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al-luviec · 3 months ago
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zane + nya parallels
#alek gifs#ninjago#zane julien#nya smith#that's enough main tags for me#i had to MURDERRR the quality on these sorry for ugliness#also for those confused on why i picked these :#gif 1 “what are they doing” followed by gif 2 which is wu's response.#gif 3 is the funeral and gif 4 is what people did to honor that sacrifice. zane statue and 'nya day'#a lot of these differences are because of the writers / animation studio#i am not power scaling their funerals based on attendance#which is. hilarious concept wise actually#braincellshipping#can be taken as such . wink#something about zane and nya and ice and water and how without one the other cannot function the same#zane going to the digiverse / rebuilding himself. nya going to the sea and having to rediscover who she really is#the way nya saw zane die. like legitimately she was on the rooftop (with pix and borg but yknow)#the way zane's ice was what held nya's form together in s15. oh guys im crazy#they have a lot of trust thats kinda. looked over. she did all of his repairs!! he was fine with her poking around his mind and body#which means a lot bc zane is a very closed off guy. 'i dont feel strong emotions but you can see my every thought nya c: '#also victims of the 'written as hating being seen as one thing... and thing ens up written as just that one thing' ninjago writers issue#zane w robotism. nya with being a girl / jay's girl. oh goodness im cuckoo#ignore how inconsistent the text sizes are i threw this together at 6 am and im NOT feeling it#i forgot how much gif making sucked#oops#rant over
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tiredflowercrown · 2 months ago
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I have a Devious fic idea
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skunkes · 7 months ago
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if life is categorized by Before Loss and After Loss then I exist in the before but with a countdown to the after. and the countdown is always always present and debilitating. the loss will be debilitating too but i cant help myself. i will always suffer twice.
#i cant let go of it. i cant even enjoy good moments without thinking about how they'll just be memories one day#how they're already memories since moments pass so fast#everything is I'll Miss This and i already miss it and i cant believe once you're gone you're gone forever#and ill never ever see you again. and your shell is in the ground but where did the rest of you go?#should i look at your body one last time? on one hand itll be the last time i see you.#on the other hand it will be the last time i see you.#and the memory of you will die with me too. as if neither ever existed#it impacts me so much too bc i dont feel close to anybody really...and i dont make friends easily#so whats going to happen when the people who have always been there arent there anymore?#im going to be alone for so much of my life.#i will record your voice so im ready for when i cant hear it from the source while also knowing it wont be enough and one day#ill be wishing it lasted longer. it could be 12 hours long and ill want more.#how do you surpass this? it hasn't even happened. when it happens i don't know what ill do. considering my whole life has been#the timer. the countdown. hours and hours of anticipatory grief#and then ill be next. me. some of all thats left of you. it cant be true.#sorry. this gets worse every single year and its been going insane lately#id surprisingly been managing it well for months somehow ! it wouldnt cross my mind...and now its there again#like it accumulated and its all coming out right now. ive been crying for hrs tonight and last night#one day his things will just be things. things ive made and given him will be in my hands again.#talkys#i want to go hug my dad but then ill just cry over how one day i wont be able to....! how do i store it? how do i save it?#how do i preserve it forever....even as i take my own last breath....#i cant believe im the only one of me. and my dad is the only one of him.#i wouldnt want to be reborn as anyone else. i cant believe one day i wont get to draw or eat or be comfy in bed anymore.#i cant take it !! im so scared. ill be scared until the end. and you wont be there to hold my hand. im going to be alone.#and none of those years of grief and joy and memories will matter.#i wonder if it would help to tell him about this. i need something to hold onto for when it happens. anything. but i also know it'll make i#hurt more; obviously. just another piece of him that'll be gone one day
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catzgam3rz · 2 years ago
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I would like to thank the Witch Craft SMP for gifting me a reason to draw Ihascupquake fanart in the year of our lord 2023
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zymstarz · 7 months ago
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yeah sure that's how i'll [re]come out
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#zymart#zymtalk#rant in the tags ->#okay listen to me this is really important and also i have a witness. this was not intentionally supposed to be posted on june 1st#the stars just aligned for this to be at its funniest. which means its also easier for me to dismiss LOL#i drew this like a week ago after trying to draw a whole like. 5 page comic about it and then stopping it mid-board#bc it was horrifying imagining being perceived that much. so i needed to make it into a joke instead and this was the funniest route#and then i was like 'UGH. UGH!!!! i can not be 20 and deal with this like im 13. if i dont post it by the end of the week#then [the witness to all my rants on this topic. shoutout to twig bc they got the most of it] can joke abt it as if i did anyway'#and now its the end of the week and i looked at the date and went 'oh my god didnt may just start what happened'#'WAIT ITS JUNE FIRST. GOD. THATS TOO FUNNY TO NOT SAY SOMETHING' and who am i if i dont prioritize the bit honestly#in all honesty. kinda hate it! not bc of internalized homophobia but actually bc of internalized arophobia that has somehow been emphasized#after having my brain shift from '1000% aromantic without a doubt no exceptions' to 'just arospec ig lol??'#but tragically as it turns out. you can not just try and self analyze yourself into speedrunning closure.#horrible news for the oscar zymstarz community frankly#SO i needed a way 2 justify shoving this off my plate and into the trash as fast as possible.#im impatient and cant acknowledge my own emotions. its a flaw im working on it#oh and for all the ppl who know the running gag abt 'my allegations' [i do not have any real allegations for anyone not in jems server]:#that was in fact just a running gag for like well over a year and a half. like that was just a long running bit COMPLETELY unrelated to thi#i only started having this weird sexuality shift or whatever not too long ago lol. like long enough to go through 4 of the 5 stages of grie#[evidently bc like. im posting this. i got close enough to 5 to throw in the towel ykwim]#but on 'oscar zymstarz emotional acknowledgement' time that is....... not long.#but yeah ig tldr like. still ace [thank god] just arospec [probably demiro? i hate trying to figure out my own labels] instead of Aro now#idk none of this is that deep but also like it kinda is unfortunately bc i have to actually talk abt it to be able to ignore it ykwim#but i did! we're done talking abt it now! and now i can act like i dont care and try to make jokes about it to speedrun the rest of it#anyway. Happy Pride everyone. Fukign kitty.#side message to jem. by no means does this mean im not still gonna bully you. its a sign of love but also it is you specific bullying 🫶#you are not safe#edit: this is karma for saying 'thank god'. might be demiace too. this is the worst month of my life /j
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gibbearish · 1 year ago
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kinda frustrating how we've spent the last few months acknowledging how a lot of well intentioned but guilt trippy social justice posts are like specifically designed to worm into ocd ppls brains and then now every single post abt palestine is "i dont care how bad your mental health is, i dont care how bad looking at all this makes you feel, if you don't read every single post you see on this topic in full you are a horrible person and directly contributing to their deaths. 'waaaah my mental health' well at least youre not being bombed, did you think about that??" and its like. i absolutely get where youre coming from but you dont get to complain that guilt tripping is bad then turn around and use it anyways because you think the cause youre using it for is worthwhile. like. everyone thinks the cause theyre using it for is worthwhile, thats why theyre using it. but its still a shit way to do it
#like when you make a tumblr post to your tumblr blog youre not guilt tripping people who disagree with you#youre guilt tripping your followers who if theyre still following you probably already agree with what youre saying#and esp on a topic with so much brutality involved like. yeah OBVIOUSLY theres people who have to look away#like. yall know a bunch of these posts and articles and videos show graphic injuries in them right?#like i physically cant watch news videos abt this bc i will spend days with my brain making me imagine#peoples deaths in graphic detail specifically because it knows that will upset me. and i would prefer not to do that#in fact me doing that helps palestinians exactly as much as finishing my brussel sprouts helps starving kids#by which i mean none. its just a cheap guilt trip to get you to do something you don't want to#which when it's brussel sprouts thats whatever but when its 'deliberately expose yourself to extremely triggering#things otherwise youre a bad person'. not so much#idk i feel like maybe its due to ppl feeling. agitated abt not being able to do anything abt it#like the government isnt listening and we're a world away so physically /all/ we can do really is sit and watch#so i can understand a) wanting to find someone to lash out at to alleviate that feeling#like if you cant stop the actual problem at the very least you can shout down the people supporting it right?#and b) seeing 'not watching' or even just 'not watching as closely as i am' as a transgression#bc well its all we can do so if youre not even doing that you must be bad#and its like. i really do get it. but the whole world is watching right now‚ like this is THE big news thing happening rn#so a few people choosing to avoid to subject will not make a single iota of difference#idk. i guess what im saying is if youre feeling the urge to yell at someone for not looking close enough#just donate some money to a support fund instead itll do a lot more
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rearranging-deck-chairs · 5 months ago
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danny talking about how resentful she became when nobody who she self-sacrificed for cared when she died and then leaving kirsch with laura and carmilla bc "if he stays with me i might lose control again and kill him" kinda confirms my thoughts abt both newly-turnedness and anger making vampires more vampiry
but also makes me think that in more usual circumstances, when the dean turned vampires like carmilla and mattie, that shes really nice at the start to temper any of that unruly anger
#we dont have a lot of info on her usual mo i guess but im thinking a lot abt how it mustve gone with carmilla#i dont know if she was a special case or if this is usually generally how it goes#i suppose you dont necessarily need a lot of new ones do you. if youve got one vampire seductress in working condition#mattie had her role on the board#danny was just for end of the world purposes i think. opportunistic turning. to replace will perhaps#but im thinking abt how at first the dean and carmilla were kinda close. and i have no illusions abt what that meant for the dean like#im sure it was just to control carmilla. play into what she needed to ensure centuries of loyalty. and that kinda worked until elle#and looking at mattie i expect most of them will eventually start rebelling so i wouldnt be surprised if she did smth similar with mattieto#just 1000 years earlier. and at our point in the story mattie is doing strained coexistence with her right?#carmilla is well in mattie's view rocking the boat once again for a cute girl#thats so funny oh my god. iconic. take the first lesbian predator archetype character and make it so that she keeps#rebelling against the evil BECAUSE shes so gay#like literally thats her entire motivation 'of course i was just doing it for you' oh my godddd hfkjhgjhghj ICONIC#i love her so much i love her soooo much#what was i talking about. oh yeah so i think the dean in usual circumstances is very nice at first and spoils her new vampires#to foster allegiance#god carmilla must just have been so happy to have someone care about her and be nice to her i think#every thought i have abt 18 yo carmilla is so sad#but i can imagine those early years/decades of her and the dean travelling around. mattie there too maybe not all the time#but enough time. mattie there too specifically also to make carmilla feel wanted and make friendship so she wouldnt rebel#to guide her through her young vampire years probably! damn yeah i bet that was mattie who taught her all the tricks#mother isnt a vampire and i dont see her really caring. i think mattie probably taught carmilla the do's and don'ts of vampiredom#and they had fun! they had fun with it. they had cruel fun being vampires together. i think carmilla was just happy to belong#maybe mattie was happy to have a friend too idk if she had many. not many vampire friends anyway. she seems to have fun being a sister#anyway. just thinking aloud#carmillaposting
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crystalpallette · 2 months ago
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wanted to do a styling based on uni's design for 종이비행기 파일럿(paper plane pilot) because surely. a design as simple as this is easy to do in a game so full of pretty clothes. and thus began the hell of trying to find anything that could feasibly pass as part of this outfit (how is it that the icon for tops fits better than anything I could find in tops. why is a short sleeve button up with neck tie so hard to find here)
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#shining nikki#vocaloid#honestly this drove me nuts#i wish more normal tops (ie not part of a set) were dyeable#i could probably have swung like the sailor suit type models if i could DYE any of them#this top was really close to what i needed the only problems were the color (undyeable) and no necktie(augh)#i ended up dyeing lilith vod necktie but even then i couldnt dye out the reflective patterns#so dont look too close.#also all the bows that matched the original outfit more were also! surprise! undyeable#or they wouldn't snap to the base of the ponytail#so magician's assistant it is. god bless magician's assistant for once#also every pink but nikki pink was too strong to dye with the two tone dyes so i couldnt get the blue swirls in her hair#ALSO wish i could dye more gloves but ALAS i guess. shes gonna have to have dark gloves for now#anyway thats enough commiserating. everyone listen to paper plane pilot? for me? please its such a cute song#also fun fact i own this top in a pinky shade in cn server but not in the blue shade? the blue's a little closer so i stuck with that one#but if i had it in blue over there id have done it in cn because the most recent nikki birthday suit has a paper airplane handheld#now if only. i could dye it. so it could be green like the mv has .#my stuff(kinda)#idk if i want this in that tag since i didnt really do much and the stuff over there took way more time than this did LOL#all the power to everyone who does stylings like this on a regular basis it Could Not Be Me
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donovankinard · 3 months ago
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maybe it's time for me to move on.............
#its been two months since the end of an eight month relationship and i havent so much as looked at a hot person in that time#i mean i've got a queer event in a couple weeks and i think thats The Place to meet someone because. realistically my gender is just-#-too complicated to date a straight girl#or a gay guy#so.#i've also learned my lesson about dating people i'm close friends with because that did not work out for me at all#really i just need like. a younger reincarnation of rafael silva to appear because he is the only person who will ever live up to my-#-obviously very high standards (i would date anyone who is morally decent and dresses nice if i thought they were interested)#while we're on this matter actually people who put no effort into how they dress is such a fucking ick#i went out to this thing a few weeks ago and there was a guy my age there and he asked me to dance (it was an Old Persons party hes a-#-family friends its a long story) but he was literally in a hoodie and i was wearing like a 400$ formal outfit#like man absolutely the fuck not this is a Nice Event why are you wearing *denim* what are you DOING#is it a bad idea to go to an event with the mindset of finding someone to be with by the way? because that is kind of how i'm thinking-#-about it but at the same time if i *dont* find anyone there that i connect with then that's fine. i mean all in good time cause at some-#-point i'm going to meet someone. i have enough faith in both my religion and my own person that i will meet someone who i like and who-#-likes me it just depends when that happens. idk i just feel like all my friends in relationships atm are dating to break up but i want to-#-find the person i'm going to marry someday. because i dont want to miss a single second with someone who will be the love of my life#ughhhhh idk#wait i just realised how long these tags are. shit i'm so single lmao#txt !!
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dragons-and-yellow-roses · 3 months ago
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I have such an important interview tomorrow and instead of trying to prepare, I'm obsessing over She Kills Monsters. Like a responsible person.
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