#thats a conservative that doesnt want to be ''called'' a conservative. they are just as trash as the rest of them.

[bleuberrygliscor]

im out of the "information/ fact checking" game, but im begging yall to look into not just the sources of the articles you like and reblog, but the people who wrote them too.

[gibbearish]

Congrats on sending that application!

THANK UUUUUU

[bulbabutt]

Just wanted to say, I think you're 100% correct about the conservatives. We're all freaks to them, so we'd be better off standing together, and standing up for each other.

I don't personally like tcest, but at the end of the day I don't think my personal thoughts on it really matter that much. Every fandom has ships that could be called gross or problematic. People enjoy weird stuff, and that's fine actually

thank you, i know thats the most controversial take to have in the midst of everything, but i really fucking hate that i was getting asks about 'oooh did you know this random person does this pro ship stuff on the side yeah i stalked them to find that out' meanwhile NOBODY fucking wants to warn you about bigots like this, its all 'oh just ignore it' when they advocate for bigotry.

like its truly priorities being out of whack and i dont really care if that makes me unpopular im pretty pissed about it

being into weird shit doesnt make you deserving of hate. advocating for hate does. thats the line i wanna draw right now.

[twistedcollective]

autism rambles

headcanons i yapped to a friend (@herconfuse im so sorry buddy)

theres a shit ton, some tdas but most are metal family. also these are copy pasted from spacehey, in parts cause i hit the character limit. four times. if some make more sense reading them as a dm, thats why. im so autistic about this show bro.

tw for various types of abuse when talking about glam and his backstory and family, also superrr limited mention of sh there too

theres probably gonna be another part to this at some point

tdas: - mal acted like a villain for the show bc fans enjoy drama and on my LIFE chris is rigging votes based on fan popularity and who he personally likes. so mal was just being overdramatic so he could stay on longer. two steps ahead frfr (ok nikocado pack it up /silly) - vito x anne maria. idc that the show tries to make her look bad, those two are so cute and systems can date different people bro - mike x zoey, obv, but also svetlana x zoey. shes poly for her partner sys ur honor. also, bi zoey. and super supportive singlet zoey. idk i love zoey sm shes so sweet - dawn is pagan, probably works with gaia or some other version of mother earth - cameron is autistic as hell bro thats not even a headcanon thats basically canon atp. that boy has so much tism in him - B is transmasc (yes this is tdroti not tdas. shush.)

metal family: - i think dee listens to white girl music sometimes - he picked it up from ches, who would blare 2000s white girl bangers to annoy his mom during fights - gustav has been to prison and had his record cleared via shady payoff to the govt - mary was married to gustav via some sort of arranged marraige (possibly a forced taxes and traditional conservative values thing cause he absolutely would [i hate gustave with a passion]) - gustav died believing that glam got fully possessed by the devil during that one scene - glam gets nightmares about his dad and/or about becoming like his dad and hurting his wife and kids. his sleep schedule is still ass to this day - nobody knows the full extent of glam's childhood, not even ches - ches probably assumed glam's scars were self inflicted due to location, and he hasnt asked to clarify bc he doesnt really know how - hes absolutely noticed tho - lif and dee consider the rat their adopted son and his theme song is rats by ghost since they both canonically like that band - heavy prefers the metallica version of enter sandman, dee likes the ghost cover better - vicky listens to viking metal and aggressive sea shanties - glam would love chappel roan - ches would love sabrina carpenter - dee would unironically like taylor swift and would tell NOBODY - dee is not only a brony (canon), but also a furry. he has a fursona and a ponysona - dee would be a reality shifter but he doesnt believe it exists - dee does NOT like cats. heavy absolutely loves them. lif likes them, but also draws gore of them (not in an edgy way but she thinks the biology is neat and has an art style where it works) - lif sits in graveyards in her spare time

metal family part 2: - heavy is a theistic satanist, dee is an atheist (canon), lif is an atheistic satanist but likes theistic satanism quite a bit, glam is an atheist, vicky is a norse pagan, ches is in tune with the universe and just calls himself "spiritual, not religious" - dee writes fanfic - i love headcanons where dee is just an absolute fucking nerd cause its SO ACCURATE bro that boy is a GEEK - dee knows the basics of chemical warfare from his chemistry phase - he could and absolutely would nuke someone if he had good reason

metal family part 3: - dee is a controlled pyromaniac - dee steals from big businesses and never from small/independent ones, he taught heavy who only steals food (candy, drinks, etc) bc anything else makes him feel guilty - dee has a spacehey account - hes also very active on the dark web, and holds a paywall on hacker services for people - he has sent things to people who wanted him to hack for shitty reasons. by things, i mean animals. not alive ones. also, small pipe bombs that arent quite deadly but will still hurt pretty damn badly - dee will jailbreak people's school devices, for a fee - hes such a con artist except hes not cause he actually pulls through - his stalker thing with lif was purely genetic, idk how but it was (see: glam stalked vicky too) - both relationships are super healthy tho dwdw - heavy cant work the internet without dees help, but is very active online where hes allowed to be - dee is a dipper personality type, heavy is a mabel personality type, and lif channels bill cipher without the,, yknow,, pure insanity - that one pink haired girl whos name i cant remember is super nice but super sheltered from alt subcultures and queer people, think caitlyn from my creative writing class (ik you dont know her)

metal family part 4: - lif had a dsmp phase and was an e girl in 2020 - she also has a scene phase shortly after - goth isnt her only style but its def her main and shes super good at the makeup and also the dancing - heavy would pierce someone for enough money - dee would give people tattoos at school for money, but he refuses to do stick and poke so he cant (doesnt have a machine) - lif draws art commissions online - dee and lif are both huge creepypasta enjoyers and have loads of ocs - heavy knows the basic ones (jeff the killer, toby, ben drowned, etc) - heavy and dee would write and produce films with shitty production quality thatre somehow really good and post them on youtube - dee takes college level classes and is aiming for his two-year by graduation (omg look its ollie projecting onto his fav characters again) - glam is pan, dee is demiromantic ace, heavy is straight as a fucking board, vicky is straight but was bicurious at one point cause lesbians absolutely love her (anna has a one sided crush one her rip), ches is gay but doesnt date much anyways, lif is bi with a preference for girls (although technically she has a preference for dee) - lif had a pink and girl phase in elementary, complete with the justice and claires stuff - lif is a demigirl (our lif is transfem i think iirc)

[racharii]

coming from an enby whos tme (tho i myself am not transmasc), i feel like a lot of transmasc people are doing this "have their cake and eat it too" thing where they want to be perceived as men or men adjacent, in our society a part of the oppressor class, while also still wanting to benefit from structures meant to protect against said class. specifically ones that have been set up in queer spaces. ive met quite a few trans men who were just as vehemently misogynysitic as your average dude bro. and (this is speculation based on convos ive had with trans men im not in every transmascs head) a lot of transmascs have a lot of internalized misogyny that they project onto trans women. ive had an irl ex friend of mine say something that i think encapsulates this particular issue fairly well. this was like 8 years ago, we were talking about trans rep in media (specifically orange is the new black iirc) so im paraphrasing; 'its messed up that we (afabs in this context) are sidelined for people who used to be men, we cant escape the patriarchy.' that was horribly transmisogynistic, so lets unpack it.

it assumes that trans women are just men

it assumes sex essentialism, that they and i were just women. that we were just poor Females having 'our space' encroached on by mean 'former men.'

im not saying that all transmascs think like this ofc. #notallmen. im saying that some do, and enough transmascs have internalized misogyny and not enough self reflection.

just because you are trans doesnt mean you are immune to bigotry and recouping oppressive structures. none of us are free of Sin™️. you as an individual have to make an effort to reflect on your thoughts and actions and how they might affect yourself and others, so that you are not a willing participant of our communities oppression.

for example, ive talked a lot privately about my journey to being a better person, (and pobodies nerfect, its always a learning process, you always will have things you can improve on. and thats okay, were all just human) i initially hated it/its pronouns. 'it' gave me the ick. i was called 'it' as a kid incessantly to make fun of my gender presentation, i couldnt fathom someone else finding peace and even euphoria in using it/its. i bought into the conservative talking points about neopronouns and it/its being detrimental to the trans community. they were "the bad transes" and me? well i use they/them but shakespeare used the singular they so im fine :), im one of the good ones. then one day, i was listening to some video essay idr what or who, but something they said stuck with me, "if it/its makes me happy, why do you care? how does 'it' hurt you really?" my trauma is not everyones trauma, people will find comfort in things that i wont, and thats okay. 'it' hurt me when i was young, by cruel kids and uncaring adults. why am i hurting my community, my fellow transes, by continuing to deny them their autonomy to identify how they like? so i got over 'it.' i saw the real harm was the fucking wedge being driven between us by conservative grifters trying to pick off the weakest in the herd before they go in for the rest of us.

visibility isnt necessarily a good thing for marginalized people. transfemmes are the biggest target of hate in our community atm. they unfortunately serve as the canary. global fascism is on the rise and to be frank, a targeted hate campaign against a trans woman is asking for her to be killed. outed, paraded as a freak, doxxed, swatted, killed. protect trans women, fascism doesnt stop with one group nor will you be saved by being "one of the good ones." trans solidarity, even the people you dont like, even if you think theyre icky or gross or whatever the fuck else you do Not give up trans solidarity. you dont make callout posts, you dont send death threats, you dont send hate mail, if you dont like someone Block Them and move on.

we stand together or we will be eradicated.

[plasticfangtastic]

Butchlander SFW 1-4 and NSFW 1-3 <3

Ohh thanks for this!

SFW

1)who cooks?

Neither its either take out, frozen/pre-made meals or personal cook, i can see Homelander doing his best martha steward impersonation and maybe figuring out how to cook a bit but frankly i dont think these 2 are good cooks... but if anybody will cook i think Butcher might make some beans and toast with cheese for brekkie once in a blue moon.

2)who its the messiest? The cleanest?

Controversial take but i think Homelander its the messiest, despite Butcher's depression pad initial appearance owning a lack of stuff isnt a sign of being messy, his house looks clean and organized when it could be littered with cans and shit everywhere but even then its prolly his depression/alcoholism causing a mess while Homelander has never clean after himself in his entire life he could throw his dirty tissues on the floor and by next morning it would be gone magically, i doubt he even knows who keeps his house clean and if he lost his cleaners he would notice solely bcuz stuff are piling up... heck he might just assume things just reset themselves in the morning.

So Butcher its the cleanest.

Their first argument as a couple will be something like this:

HL: what do u mean dishsoap doesnt go in the dishwasher! Thats stupid!

Butcher: Just shut up you git... MM i need help...

3)who fixest the vehicle after the a breakdown?

Butcher but he has homelander pointing the flashlight and he its crying bcuz Butcher would become a dad at that moment altho Homie will offer to call the RAA on the spot. Or buy him a new car.

Basically Homie and Butcher the entire time.

4)living space has a leak? Who fixes it?

Neither. I feel like Homie will lose his mind if he can hear a leak so he will call a repairman inmediately and Butcher... honestly i dont think he knows how to fix a tap like thats just a recipe for disaster and he probably calls MM or Frenchie for help.

NSFW

1)how often do they have sex? If at all?

I think at first Homie might try 2 be conservative but he is so touched starved that he will be on Butcher dick multiple times a week. If anything Butcher might ask him to calm down a bit.

Like to me Homie will use sex as a form of reassurance that Billy still loves him and wants him while Billy its more normal and spontenous about it but even when they finally come to an agreement i would say once a week with lots of mutual wanking or cockwarming... like Billy will be watching the TV with his dick in Homie's mouth and not much else.

2)who brings ideas? Who initiates?

Butcher will bring the kink into the bedroom like he defo has a sadistic side and knowing Homie can handle it will drive him nuts with lust. But Homie starts normal-ish sexy time most of the times...

3)any kinks they clash on?

The milk thing and anything involving flying.

It be funny at first but Butcher wont like it if its becomes a regular sex act.

I also think sensory play will be difficult for Homelander he might just do it to keep him happy but not actively persue it.

[bigmack2go]

Ive never been more pissed than when i found out aki max and Audrey didn’t end up together. Not like usually tho. This isn’t me goinh *ugh but i ship them so much“ no. I couldn’t care less about whether i like their ship or not. Thsi is about polyamory representation. They build up two seasons like that, finally giving you hope of seeing a poly couple that doesn’t end bad. In the first season k might have been like „oh this is bait“ but then they actually got together and i was so happy. But no. You give me yet another polyamorous story that end in betrayal. You guve me one single poly couple and call it representation and then they end bad?

The fact that they actually were together doesnt make it better.

Every poly representation EVER ends up bad. In betrayal. (Thats exactly what poly ISNT about.) what picture do you think that paints us in?? And especially when you KNOW that its always like that, how dare you be apart of it??? This is like when the only gay character turns out to be the villain, the only female character being the love interest (?) the only black character doing a shooting the only muslim character being a therrorist: WRONG

I am NEVER one to compare minorities experiences to each other but i simplycant keep going know that EVERYONE pretends that poly people aren’t a minority. Sure you SAY that you know that but you don’t treat us as such. And by „treat us as a minority“ i do not mean under representation till the cows come home. Im not talking about conservatives treating me as a minority, in talking about progressive people. Im talking about putting up a fight to let us get our rights like everyone else.

because lets face it, they dont treat us the same way they treat other minorities. Maybe they put a little rep here and there (which is almost always BAD rep) but thats it.

(For the sake of authenticity i‘m gonna use gay as an example for these because thats a minority that im actually a part of and i dont wanna put myself in anyone else’s shoes)

„you dint have to include poly characters if youre not comfortable woth it“ BULLSHIT.

That is like saying „you dont have to include gay characters if youre not comfortable woth it“

If you heard that, would you go „oh that’s fine“ NO. You would not. Because even if you are a straight person who would feel uncomfortable having gay sex or a gay relationship, that does not make gay people less existent and therefore not representing them is not okay.

THIS IS THE SAME FUCKING THING. I dont CARE if you would have a threesome or not (EVEN I WOULDNT AND IM POLY). I exist! And just because you aren’t me, that doesn’t mean i don’t exist?! So get your damn shit together.

Sure polyamory isnt for everyone. NO SHIT. But neither is homosexuality and is it okay to leave that out? No. It fucking isnt.

If you dont wanna represent a certain type of relationship, you shouldn’t put any relationships at all

And to get back to wjat this all was originally about: BAD REPRESENTATION IS WORSE THAN NO REPRESENTATION BECAUSE IT PUTS US INTO A BAD LIGHT ESPECIALLY WHEN THE ONLY REPRESENTATION EVER EXISTING IS ALWAYS BAD ONE.

I think the only representation of polyamory that wasn’t bad is have ever seen in my entire life was half bad. And even that was left open (enough) at the end.

So no DONT TALK TO ME IM ON A RAMPAGE AND I AM NOT OVER REACTING. LET POLYAMORY EXIST FOR FUCKS SAKE

FUCK THIS FUCK EVERYONE. FUCK POLY PPL NOT BEING SEEN

Im so fucking done with this shit

The same tjing is for nonbinary people. I could go on a rampage about this too but i would literally only repeat myself for almost everything

Putting a lot of random tags cuz i want ppl to see this

[selfundiagnosed]

Insane that my mom ran the most popular patrick stump archival blog on tumblr + was a full time lawyer + was raising two mentally ill kids + doing culinary arts school + having a cookie business. I think its her autism i wont lie. But now its all catching up to her and she has no energy which would be the ehlers danlos fault this time.. tried to convince her to steal her old url back but on cohost so she made an account but couldnt immediately make side blogs but boy oh boy. she would be giving the fall out boy fandom what they want and more. Shes like i cant do it again i have no idea how i did it before im like ma! its called having boundaries. Shes like i cant do that when i have a special interest its called autism. Im like right but queue posts for once a day and find 30 pictures from a photo set and boom one months worth of posting fall out boy and you can conserve your energy. But she doesnt know how to do her special interests in moderation. Im honestly just glad she went and accepted a bunch of access to her mega archive folder thingy. But shes so mad she doesnt have access to like her actual archive bc the website she used go archive everything changed their subscription plans and she has so many photos it would be like a zillion dollars she doesnt have 😭 like bogus i remember photo storing websites were so free. Take me back to 2010 for real :T Anyway she used to get so mortified when i told my friends as a teen about her blog i actually told her coworker once and her coworker somehow RETAINED the url and went home and looked at her blog and she was so upset at me 😭😭 but now like she kinda doesnt give a fuck anymore bc fall out boy was her special interest for an entire decade and she’s over it. Obviously still a big big fan but not in bandom anymore. Her new special interest is a band i introduced her to when i was 13 and its kinda cringe so i dont talk about it but she also ran an archival blog for THIS band and i told my friend at a sleepover who liked this band about her blog and they fucking FOLLOWED HER and shit bricks and my mom was MORTIFIED. But anyway yeah she doesnt gaf now if i tell people she was this blog and i even posted a tiktok about it once and people started doing detective work that would make her autistic self so proud…. Bc thats what she was good at! sleuthing stalking detective work on the band. Pete wentz privately answered several of her asks on tumblr i’ll see if she can send me the asks and their responses. But yeah she doesnt care anymore. her original url was scrubbed by tumblr and shes very angry about it bc it was an original bandom url for patrick stump so shes like wtf ever i dont wanna touch this im so mad. Which SAAAAME. ive done that so many times. She started permitting access to people who requested it for one of her photo archive website thingies she left in her last post. But yeaaaahhh… she was patrick stump for halloween in like 2008 and she won the costume contest bc she had rhe coolest sideburns and looked so much like him. My first ever concert was a fall out boy concert in spring 2007 i was 6 turning 7 within the next few months lemme just say the music video for carpel tunnel of love played on the screen as they played the song and my brother and i was so traumatized. But then immediately they played this aint a scene after that and we were like HELL YEAAAAAAAAA. And my brother (5 at the time) and i knew every single song and sang along and my mom went look at everyone else no one else knows these songs. You guys are so cool. And we looked around and yeah no one was singing the songs and were sooo excited! Oh and theres that one time she recorded us singing keep it simple by cobra starship and THEY PUT IT ON THEIR MYSPACE PAGE AT THE TOP WE FLIPPED SHIT. i wish THAT video was still up. Shes also met fall out boy so many times and walked away from patrick stump while he was talking to her bc she didnt want to take up his time at a meet and greet. Omg. so many memories. I was literally raised in online bandom thats so insane. Maybe thats why im a homosexual

[demadogs]

(disclaimer i havent seen or read rwrb) heartstopper is a bit cringe but tbh i love it bc of that… i’ll never love wtvr nick n charlies ship name is the way i love byler but the show itself makes me so happy in a way st (usually) doesnt. maybe thats bc i havent been exposed to enough queer tv so i just love it wherever i see it but as a queer teen in a mega conservative us state it feels so hopeful/joyful esp compared to all the trauma will goes thru in st bc of his queerness (or wtvr various homophobic things happened in young royals i didnt watch the whole thing)

not that i dont love st (my blog is byler themed lol) but thats my unasked-for defense of cringe gay tv/movies. overall i just want MORE queer tv shows whether theyre cringe n saccharine or ultra serious n depressing :) would love to hear ur thoughts if u want to share or u can let this marinate in ur inbox or delete it w/o reading. peace and love !

and im so glad it brings other people joy!! when i say my own opinions that is not me saying the show/movie is objectively bad. i totally see the appeal of a happy gay show like heartstopper, i personally just prefer things that arent lighthearted and romcommy feeling. like my favorite genres are scifi, horror/thriller, and murder. i like deep and dark shit thats not always boiled down just to a ship.

and also i wanna make it clear that when i say “serious tone” that does NOT equate to depressing!!!!!!!! i am NOT saying i dont like happy endings. it just means i want it treated in more of a real way and not romcommy. i dont like the cutsey stuff like the doodles in heartstopper and how they filmed the phone calls in the first bit of rwrb (i know you havent seen it but just trust me). for me personally things like that just completely take me out of the movie like i just want to watch it authentically like it would have happened irl and thats how more dramatic and serious toned shows/movies are always shot.

i also tend to like my gay fiction to be within a much huger story. a good example of this is the show, the wilds. that show is about a severly fucked up social experiment involving 8 girls and a staged plane crash that leaves them stranded on an isolated island and two of the girls end up together. i LOVED how they wrote that. amazing show highly recommend. this is also one of the reasons i love byler. its a part of a much bigger story and its treated seriously while still being cute and beautiful. plus im 10000% sure itll have a happy ending so again, serious in tone does noooot mean depressing.

thanks for being respectful in this ask and not just trying to change my mind or act like im not allowing anybody else to enjoy what i dont enjoy. and i will say since you do love heartstopper, youd probably love rw&rb and i highly recommend it! and if you want a list of more queer fiction recs i can def give you that (but obviously mine will be less lighthearted than heartstopper).

[axolozzy]

vent (tw for extreme ablism transphobia and overall terrible stuff idek if i should even post this im sorry i just really need to vent i will probably delete this later)

y’all i’ve finally gotten comfortable vocal stimming in front of people im comfortable with like my friends and family and now my mom all of a sudden thinks im hearing voices or that i have “multiple personalities”????????* like no i promise nothings “going on” with me and j don’t need to see a mental health professional im just stimming because im happy. what the fuck

*also i’ve literally told her for YEARS that it’s called DID and talking in different voices does not fucking mean someone has “multiple personalities” because this has come up SOO fucking much over the years and i’m getting tired of explaining it. i repeat things in funny voices because it’s fun. i’ve done it my whole fucking life it’s called echolalia it’s called STIMMING and she doesn’t listen to me whenever i explain that

so much for being comfortable being myself around people. “you never used to act like this” BECAUSE I WAS SCARED!!!!! BECAUSE I HAD TERRIBLE ANXIETY AND DIDNT WANT TO BE JUDGED FOR BEING WEIRD!!!!!! my parents genuinely think there’s something severely wrong with me now. they literally told me that. because i meow sometimes as a vocal stim. and so do LITERALLY ALL OF MY FRIENDS AND PEOPLE AT SCHOOL. PEOPLE IN CLASS TALK IN WEIRD VOICES AND MAKE ANIMAL NOISES TOO ALL THE FUCKING TIME!!!!!! ITS NOT FUCKING SERIOUS!!!!!! GOD FUCKING DAMMIT

i’m genuinely so fucking tired of this god who fucking gives a shit of im weird. i’ve been like this my whole life its not my fuckign fault that you didn’t pay attention and don’t remember. FUCK

my step dad’s a fucking dick too i genuinely hate him so fucking much i cant fucking take it anymore. NO!!!! IM NOT GOING TO FUCKING MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH YOU BECAUSE IT MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE AS FUCK. “why” because im autistic. “that’s not an excuse” yes it fucking is bitch its literally a symptom of fucking autism. no i AM going to keep calling myself autistic because thats what i am. no its not “putting a label on myself” because im actually fucking diagnosed autistic im not going to pretend it doesnt exist. because i fucking exist. im not going to “beat” my autism by suppressing all of my autistic traits because you want me to. “why?” DO YOU FUCKING HEAR YOURSELF???????

and this guy worked in mental health for 17 years. he worked at a psychiatric hospital for 17 years. he never went to college or learned anything about mental health at all. he thinks he knows more than me about my fucking disability when he says the most outdated offensive shit ive ever heard about autism or DID or schizophrenia. he doesnt listen to a word i say because he’s “older than me and has more life experience” and therefore he automatically “knows more than me and im wrong.” he doesnt listen to anyone actually. he literally says to people not to correct him when he’s wrong because he doesnt like being told he’s wrong to being told what to do or think. he’s “not going to change his beliefs for anyone” even if he knows his “beliefs” are literally just fucking factually wrong or actively harmful. he purposely makes people feel like shit if they stand up for themselves against him. he purposely makes me feel like shit because im the only one in this fucking houses that dares to disagree with the shit he says. he’s a republican he’s obsessed with trump and blasts conservative transphobic racist news channels on the tv right outside my room at night so it keeps me awake and doesnt turn the tv down when i ask because apparently he has hearing problems but has never once got that checked out. he deadnames me and says “because of his adhd he’s not sure he’ll ever remember to use the right name so he’s not even gonna try.” and he says he loves and supports me but is constantly saying the most ableist transphobic shit to me and says he’s just giving me a hard time because he loves me. he has said on multiple occasions with a straight face that “fat people piss him off and they’re the one type of people that he doesnt feel bad for being outwardly hateful and discriminatory towards.” he tries to make me feel guilty for not believing in god. he’s anti abortion. he doesnt want me to get gender affirming care under his roof because he thinks its weird and disgusting and doesnt want me to get a dick even though i have told him a million fucking times i never want bottom surgery and i dont know why this is any of his fucking business anyway. he constantly tells me my online friends aren’t real friends and when he knows i love talking to them he purposely turns the wifi off. he asks me why im acting so weird and i say its how ive always acted alone and with my friends and im just being myself and he says “stop acting like that.” “why. im not going to change who i am for other people.” “well i want you to around me.” KILL YOURSELF IM SO FUCKING SERIOUS. GOD FUCKING DAMMIT I HATE HIM SO FUCKING MUCH

he’s a manipulative bastard and whenever we get into arguments, SOME FUCKING HOW a few hours later were happy and forgiving eachother and im the one saying sorry. he’s an asshole to me and everyone around him, he’s an asshole to my mom. they are constantly fighting but always deny it. i cant fucking take it anymore

sorry for this vent i know people dont follow me to know about my personal life i know i shouldnt say this stuff but i dont fucking care im so sick of this. i woke up this mornign feeling more excited happy and motivated than i have felt all week and it was ruined the second my mom came in my room saying that the way i act (my literal vocal stims) make her think there’s something severely wrong with me. i love her more than anything in the world she’s the best mom ever but what the actual fuck??????? anyway i hate my stepdad and even though i dont believe in hell i hope he fucking burns

[oswednesday]

waa @proceduralbob tagged me! thank youu

name: wednesday

pronouns: they/them

where do you call home?: without the right to roam, in a planet with boards and states and nationalities, this is kind of a faulty concept, people ask this sort of thing to judge your worth, sometimes i poke fun at people for like what state or city they live in but know its kind of in a post-ironic or whatever sort of way, i live online! but i suppose the geographical answer is the usa equating that with home feels gross, home feels personal and all encompassing, doesnt it?

favorite animal: im like, rabbit themed, so there's that of course i love so many animals i feel like i have a fave per genre of animals, im really into jellyfish , my fave owl is great horned, i also love flamingos and giraffes and bats and cockatoos

cereal of choice: i only eat cereal as intended like two months out of the entire year max, i like applejacks (with banana slices) and cocoa bunnies from the annie's brand (with strawberries) (cereal feels really naked without fruit on it!)

visual, auditory, or kinesthetic learner: im pretty sure this is something that gets taught in schools in conservative states cause no one gives a fuck whether its junk science or not, i Prefer someone to show me how, then walk me through it and then ill do it a bunch with assistance until i get it, but thats often so taxing to be vulnerable with someone else and not everyone has the patience for me so maybe like visual/kinesthetic/auditory in that order maybe? maybe thats just self fanfiction

first pet: fish! like the first animal i was aware of like, the concept of a pet like we have a pet in the house were two box turtles but those were like, my parents pets, they did not take good care of them! the first pet i consciously was like i want to keep and take care of them were fishes

favorite scent: (oops i forgot to remove the previous answer and fill this in)i have a lot of scents i like but rn i think murphy's wood oil soap!

do you believe in astrology: i think there are three "categories" of astrology

there is the math; the history and the culture and the arts and how much it like is apart of human history like that's real and inseparable from understanding the world around us you cant be like well thats astronomy because its also people folk lore and mythology of their cultures and belief systems and that kind of math was not separate from each other, it was used and is used as aid to make complicated numbers more digestible, as a way to memorize and to pass along oral traditions, its also a form of a people's wealth, so thats real yes

then there's social/economics/psychology of it like time periods coincide with ups and downs of wealth in a place like historically and its also like how the seasons impact people, what food is available, what sicknesses are more easily transmittable during certain seasons, which impacts somewhat the way we interact with the world as early age roles are set in by family, society, so on, thats real

then there's my cringe fetus in the womb is an aries i can feel the energies, that shits fake, but that feeds back into like point two and this point isnt any different than the other awful ways parents can interact with their children about 'metaphysical' matters

so i suppose yes i do, like, in a social science and a traditional art sort of way

how many playlists do you have on your music service of choice: i have a lot i like to make playlists a lot, maybe ill share them with the internet more often

sharpies or highlighters: highlighters are cute! sharpies have more use though, highlighters might win simply for the cute factor

song that makes you cry: once the pokemon 2 movie starts its ON <-the tears, from the ost for some reason

song that makes you happy: i listen to a lot of vashti bunyan and haruomi hosono for that feeling, oh maybe im not answering these correctly, i know nobodies got me like still alive (portal 2007)

and finally, do you write/draw/create: i do all kinds of gay stuff

[selamat-linting]

so anyway, back to bitching again (i always bitch) yall know the women's group? the one i talked about? yeah so a little backstory first for the newcomers: this girl, she was a former member of a branch of my org. she was from another town. when she moved here, she's supposed to be helping my branch right? but no, she broke off with no warning, and started a women's group with her friends. thats the group im talking about. they focus on producing art / writing as a form of their resistance. with the occasional charity event in-between. its a very laid-back almost apolitical group. my girl plans to push her friends' left by meeting them on their own terms. doing resistance the way theyre comfortable with and hoping it would influence them to be radical.

suffice to say, it failed. my girl is kicked out of the group she founded, and when i offer her to go back here, she doesnt want to. claiming this town is too far gone for any meaningful resistance. my feelings on that loaded response is well documented on this blog but anyway. lets go to the present

this group is now doing another event, a talk show about mental health. now this would be good except the topic is this, "self diagnosis: valid or not" featuring a fucking psychiatrist.

i dont know, maybe because im a victim of (mild) medical neglect from a psychiatrist, and im firmly anti-psychiatry after seeing how lucky i got compared to my comrades with a more stigmatized disorder, but this is just wack to me. idc.

like, first of all, in what world that a discussion of whether self-dx is a special topic of discourse to be treated this way? girl look at the state of our healthcare system. look at how we lack a social safety net. look at how there's practically no help for abuse and bullying victims. we dont even have a homeless shelter in this town! look at how many mental health workers that still treats homosexuality as a disease or asks child abuse victims to forgive their parents. look at how the criminal system treats addicts!!! look at the prisons! by god look at the prisons!!! prison inmates are prime examples of men and women who is failed by the state over and over again and end up hurting and abusing everyone around them, fueling the cycle anew.

youre putting the cart between the horse, by discoursing about self diagnosis when you havent even talked about how bad society is falling apart and how inefficient and inaccessible the healthcare system is. and im not just talking about the money, i know treatment's free, but is it really treatment when you have to wait four hours every two weeks just to meet an out of touch doctor for five minutes who'd just tell you to forgive your abuser then dose you up with potentially addictive medications without telling you the side-effects or even listening to your concerns?

also wow, inviting a shrink for a self dx discussion. i would bet money their stance is that theyre against it because heyyy therapy is free and covered by national insurance uwu and its your personal responsibility xoxo. very neoliberal. i always suspect their politics is as progressive as a gay conservative since they decided not to make a post acknowledging pride month when they personally call themselves a feminist collective. how come a group of college-educated women could be this unserious? unprincipled? eugh. i expected better of them than the empty headed dumbfuck boys who made a metalcore concert for a day where at least a million people died by the hands of the state but turns out theyre just a different flavor of annoying and ignorant.

but i guess i have to act professional and nice around them since they did agree to help for the pro palestine campaign. i hate this fr fr!!!!!

[k-ru-h]

ok first of all. i am sius #1 defender and i wouldnt accuse him of shit without proper proof but. i actually think its important to talk abt this. and second of all this is the only time im ever posting fastpass screenshots but just because the appearance of a character is extremely relevant

listen i know we're all very excited at the idea of a canon gay character in tog, but i really dont think this was the best of moves. tog has so far been mostly pretty alright with handling gnc characters (think how well aka was treated by others, khun being very feminine, etc) and i dont think this one fuckup will change that just. siu is a grown ass adult from a very conservative country and his portrayal of intersex characters such as evankhell or aka isnt very, well, "woke" (evankhell being the only lead brown woman while being "half man" plays into a lot of racial stereotypes, as well as treating intersexuality as a literal curse). i kind of wanna like , talk about this new "queer" character kaya (i saw ppl call him that online, idfk) and like. ill just go thru my points in no particular order idfk ive written too many coherent essays for school this week abd it's 3am i think i deserve a fucked up little one

ok first of all. jesus fucking christ what is this character design

so uh. heres our gay male character! with massive fake tits, lipstick and long hair! this wouldn't be a problem in media already filled with other queer characters, but on its own, especially with the character being darker-skinned yet again, it plays into a lot of stereotypes abt trans women, as well as brown women being masculine. and listen, i know tog has a lot of very wacky character designs, but it also has a lot of gorgeous ones, and while i really dont think it was sius intention to make a transphobic, racist caricature (istg you can psychoanalyse this man just off of tog alone), i think it definitely has something to do either with his own internalised racism and transphobia, or with a lack of education to spot a (hopefully) mistake by assistant artists.

here are some random ass caricatures of trans women i found online and by god i am not crediting this shit, but. look at what i mean. the fake tits, the dress/skirt, the long hair and lipstick.... the resemblance is startling.

but okay. lets say this by itself isnt important. siu made an oopsie and we got a canonically queer character that defends his right to like men unapologetically, and bam didnt seem to mind, and was polite abt it! weeeeeellll... the thing is, this whole fucking thing is a ploy. and if it turns out siu negates my previous point by making it turn out that kaya IS just playing a caricature on purpose because he wants the political advantage and isnt actually gay but is, in fact, homophobic, i will eat that shit up. that would actually make a very good point and having a critique of homophobia is better than having a homophobic gay character. but lets say he is gay for now, lets assume. that still leaves a possibility that he is gay AND just using bam, but lets just assume thats not the case either. lets say he's actually gay and actually wants to marry bam, for whatever fucking reason. bam being polite doesnt mean shit!!! people on twitter are unironically saying this means he's okay with being in a romantic &/or sexual relationship with a man when it literally does not. bam isnt okay with any of this. from start to finish, be it a man or a woman, bam is in this nonconsensually. and one of bams core personality traits is his kindness and politness, and he's been in kayas shoes before, albeit not for queerness specifically. bam isnt a participant, bam is a fucking reward and object and just as that one guy calling khun a "cute little kitten" while literally discussing how much his worth as a slave would be isnt queer rep, neither is this! even if the two of them are actually gay and actually attracted to the two respectfully, they still treat them as objects to be sold or bought for political advantage. someone on tumblr once said that a drag queen will always be a better ally than a gay ceo, and! yeah!

anyways, in conclusion, this is at worst an accidental bigoted caricature, and at best a very good joke on all of us. source im gay intersex trans and i actually go outside and interact with real queer people instead of having pronoun discourse on tiktok. thanks

[bulbabutt]

i sure hope as a second mass exodus from twitter occurs (along with the overwhelming conservative nature of the world right now) we dont keep getting more people demanding purity culture. you cant demand every pervert on the internet 'kys' or else there will eventually be no one left on the internet. that window of acceptability will always swing back further and further until the idea of sharing a bed as a married couple is taboo once again.

this is one of the last bastions of peace we have where you can post queer or diverse or maybe just weird art without getting spotted by bigoted grifters trying to make money off outrage culture calling you a pervert or worse. and its entirely imperfect as a website with its own fucking problems, but i really hope the people on it dont start getting worse.

i dont care what you do so long as youre kind to others and respect their rights to exist, and their boundaries. that shouldnt be a controversial statement but i bet i lose followers over it again.

it should also go without question that this does not include people who celebrate fascism. those are the people you need to make clear do not belong in your spaces, people who wilfully wish harm on the more marginalized.

and i understand that i keep bringing this up, that i sound like a broken record and perhaps thats annoying, but im honestly worried about it. i think modern social media and the nature of needing to network to be found by an algorithm that doesnt like anything controversial makes everyone worse. makes you try to be as broadly acceptable as possible. but thats always going to be a losing battle as more and more things become less acceptable.

i think a lot of you just might not have been alive before 2008, but anonymity on the internet is so important. it keeps you safe. we lost that at some point, as the socials with your full name and phone number started forcibly adding your boss to your friends list. made everyone start locking down their shit, as a random meme about 'boss makes a dollar i make a dime' can get you fired.

theres a lot of outing and doxxing culture thats so fucking normalized, and as the world grows more hostile to people who make a stink about things, i hope you dont find any excuse to get them hurt just so you can separate yourselves from them. i want you to think about things like the hayes code, where being gay could get you labelled a pervert. so you might think 'its okay ive never done anything inappropriate on the internet' (which, i dont believe you about) maybe not yet, but as the ideals of whats socially acceptable turn back to the 1950s you will have. keeping at a witch hunt looking for anyone with immoral art is only feeding the fire that will eat you later.

[despite-everything]

im

just going to write this out because i need to get it out somewhere and dont know where my little audio recorder is. i know its hard to live with parents for a lot of people, and i knew it'd be hard for me but thats really hitting right now.

today wasnt the worst, but it also kinda sucked. some geriatric asshole stopped his working vehicle in the middle of the street for no reason, and nearly got me t-boned because of it, then i got an energy bill for a place i dont live despite cancelling the policy in july, then i got a message from my insurance agent saying my policy would be cancelled if i didnt pay (but nothing was due?) and then when i tried to call i learned that this house often doesnt have cell signal in the afternoon. i eventually managed to talk to the insurance people and got that sorted, but i couldnt get through to the energy people, so that's still unresolved. im still rattled from the car thing - i was almost killed in a car last year, so im very sensitive around crashes and near-crashes (no flashbacks today, though, so thats better than the last near-incident i dealt with). tomorrow my dad and i fly out to visit his aging parents - his dad is basically wasting away and his mom is losing her mind, so its a bit of a lets-visit-one-last-time thing. i havent seen them since 2018 and rarely talk to them, but i know theyve fallen down this horrible fox-news-christian-conservative hole lately, and before that they werent great, so i have a horrible feeling this trip is just going to be painful and sad. i know that best-case-scenario, we talk about nothing meaningful at all, and they dont comment on my appearance. but they're going to hate it. and if they actually knew me, they'd hate me, too. and i feel bad leaving my cat behind to live in the basement for 3 days - my stepmom will look after her, but she's going to be very lonely. so there's that, too.

but honestly i needed to write this out because my dad and i were driving our dog to the park to let her run around and we were listening to the radio. he asked me why i dont always use my radio voice, and i told him its because it takes extra effort to stay low and smooth for the persona and the microphones, and that after a few hours its tiring. he said he knew that, but then basically asked again - i tried to get him to clarify, but he didnt have the vocabulary to explain it, so he tried to mimic my voice (i guess?) and it was fucking mean. like i felt my heart drop and almost teared up immediately. i said something like "haha i don't sound like that" and he doubled down and said i did. and the thing is like... i know my natural voice is a bit nasal. im from texas and was raised with a mother and an aunt with nasally, high-pitched southern accents, and i inherited some of that. i HATE my natural voice. for years, any video taken where i spoke at all, i hated rewatching it. i thought i sounded annoying and could barely fathom people wanting to be around me. i hear any recording of my self earlier than 2021 and i want to turn it off and erase it completely. i don't think i'll ever get over that hatred. but as i've gotten older, my voice has dropped a bit. and i make a conscious effort to have much less of a texan accent (some words still trip me up - aisle, line, fire, wild... "i" is hard to not sound texan on), and i try to sound "smoother" and more pleasant. but i know i don't always succeed, especially if im excited. and the thing is, my excitement is always too much for my family. it's annoying and immature and overwhelming, apparently. so my entire life i've tried to tone myself down, but sometimes i fail, and sometimes i'm so wound up and anxious i fail then, too. and i know it's annoying, but jesus christ that imitation hurt.

when i tried to express that, my dad got pissed and was like "thats just what you sound like" and i said something along the lines of "you don't have to mean about it" and he got more upset and was like "im not being mean you just sound like that. but fine. i just wont bring it up ever again" and im sitting in the passenger seat thinking... what am i supposed to do? what am i supposed to say? if i cry, he'll get even more upset and think im overreacting and being immature, but todays already been hard (to self-regulate earlier, i bit my arm so hard i accidentally drew blood, and screamed so loud in my car my hearing was temporarily dampened, but while that helped, it didn't fix anything), and i could cry any moment. and my mind just loops back to the impression of me, which was startlingly similar to his "whiny voice" he uses to mock assholes. it just felt fucking awful and yet i felt kinda crazy because he keeps saying he didnt mean it in a bad way, and he isnt the type to play mind games but my mother did that sort of thing all the time, and i was tired and upset and wanted to go back home. after the park, i tried to continue the conversation, but never really understood what part of my voice or cadence he was referring to,but i think i smoothed things over enough. but it just sucks so much.

im living with him and my stepmom right now as i look for a job, and im more than an hour away from any of my friends. while i could drive to see them, it doesnt make sense to waste that gas when im unemployed and heading for the airport in the morning tomorrow. and i dont really call my friends. i could, but its not a thing we do, and i honestly would just want to say what this post said and then move on. i just wish i had company. but im outside trying not to be eaten alive by mosquitoes but theyre getting me through me jeans, so i just have to suck it up and go inside to wash the dishes.

[mercy--killing]

how're you doing? You've been quiet on here for a while now. Sending good vibes y'all's way, hope you're doing as well as you can

hey i randomly logged into this account today and saw this and sort of wanted to give an update :)

the last year and a half ish i think has been good and bad. i started college, i got my first real job, i got my drivers license, and i got my first semester with straight a's since like middle school! but also ive had a couple more major traumas, had a major loss, had issues with hoarding, had an alcohol problem for a while (pretty much okay with it now though), where i live is getting very dangerous for trans people, and my physical health has kind of tanked. also i realized i was a lesbian! i almost forgot that one lol

one of those major traumas (losing someone i was very close to in front of me) just kind of changed me. it was like how the psych ward i was in killed a part of me. i just dont feel like that same person anymore because she was in my life since i was a baby and i dont think that same me can exist in a world without her. that was about a year ago and im okay but its still really hard.

im in a lot better of a place now though. im actually still living with abusive family that im totally financially dependent on, but tomorrow im getting my car put in my name and this weekend im doing a doggy date for a dog shelter with a very old pitbull and i have friends and im learning to work on cars. i still very much am a lot better off than i was the last time i posted here.

also i sort of found religion? its weird but thats been a really major part of my life lately. i call myself christian adjacent because i believe in jesus and everything but i dont agree with literally any conservative christian belief. God loves queer people, abortion is a right, other religions should be respected and christians are privileged in the west (myself included), hell doesnt exist, refugees and immigrants should be welcomed with open arms, etc. i mostly align myself with quakers. thats been a really big thing with trauma and im so much better at coping and having healthy behaviors now because of it.

i did quit therapy and im pretty strongly anti the institution of psychiatry. @/trans-axolotl has a lot of posts on it and i dont want to get too into it here. basically therapy and meds arent inherently bad and should be much more accessible and many people benefit from and need them, but not everyone does and stripping autonomy away from mentally ill people is bad.

so yeah. im sort of okay. some things are worse and some things are better. and if anyone is still following this blog i hope yall are doing well. i probably wont ever come back, i dont really find this blog helpful anymore, but ill keep it up for now just in case.