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angeart · 1 month ago

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Howwwww did you angst the world tour?? 🎀

this question made me giggle so much oh i'm glad you asked :3c there was so much yummy grian angst in the hc world tour!

it's all about grian and his penchant for destruction. he doesn't even mean to! he's not trying to be pesky; quite the opposite. he's curious but restrained, trying to be good, trying to follow instructions. he's not malicious at all! he's just there to see what people were up to, open and friendly and curious, eager to look and learn and praise. not a bad intention in sight... and yet things seem to break wherever he goes. everything he touches goes wrong.

the guilt churns, acidic and overwhelming, and grian's miserable. why is he like this? he's trying so hard, why is this the only way he can ever be? why can't it stop?

spoilers for grian's world tour video below <3

plantie pointed out to me how, during the tour of scar's train, when grian got rid of scar's arrows—the glitched ones that doc put there—he was so desperate to point it out after scar just glossed over it. as if he wanted to show that he can do something good. he can be helpful, he can fix things instead of just breaking everything.

but then we have all the other things, right? grian can't escape it.

when he was with etho and the mushroom farm exploded, he sums it up in a wretched if confused apology: "i'm so sorry. the two times i tried to use it, i broke it :( and created a water source floating— which i don't know how it happened— and flung the TNT, which i really don't understand—"

they move on, but it's so clear it lingers.

etho isn't blaming him. he's amused and brushes it off and moves along, unbothered, but grian himself can't wrap his head around it. about that propensity to breaking things, even unintentionally. the way nothing is safe around him.

he tells etho: "i can't stop thinking about your mushroom farm. why does everything i touch break, in new and unexpected ways?"

(not to mention when etho's showing him frogger and grian plays, almost instantly etho goes: "uh-oh, the game's broken", with a little huff of laugh. it wasn't exactly tied to anything grian did, but still something i wanted to point out, since grian was there for it <3)

and then grian goes to zedaph, right?

the very first game zedaph shows him. the very first. grian plays the way he was told to, the way he was meant to, and— he breaks it.

zedaph just laughs and moves them on.

(just sprinkling in a side note that zedaph's furnace minigame also didn't seem to work the way it should've—)

by the time grian gets to pearl's, it's starting to be a pattern that's so clearly eating away at him, making him anxious. he doesn't want it to happen again!

and yet.

pearl invites him to play her wordle game, and grian mindlessly goes and pushes the wrong button trying to start it... instantly stepping away with a quiet groan of a dread-filled "...oh-" followed by: "i just— ruined it already."

there's something about the mood switch. the way he seems more restrained and tame, silently upset with himself, trying so hard not to mess things up further. questioning why this is happening again. why he can't stop making it happen.

he walks over to the reset game button and asks, carefully: "can i press reset? is it gonna hurt? 🥺👉👈"

pearl reassures him he can, with a sigh noting that it'll just take a while.

there's an almost hysteric laugh from grian, followed by an exasperated, upset scream. "everything i touch breaks! when i went to e— i broke etho's thing when i went to— not frogger, his— his mushroom farm i— it blew up."

"you blew up his mushroom farm?? how? what did you do?!"

"yeah, i— i broke zed's game, instantly, pretty much, it's—"

"oh my gosh :("

"sorry 🥺"

pearl is quick to reassure him, though. "well, luckily for you, this is— you doing that (pushing the wrong button) does not break the game. it's just, you now have to wait for it to reset."

she makes sure grian knows that he didn't mess up anything terribly here. he didn't break pearl's game. it's okay! it's fine!

and then grian right clicks to open the book, and instead makes bonemeal pop out of a composter.

i think at this point pearl is a little bit taken aback by how wrong everything really seems to be going around grian. she makes sure to say, "it's fine," again, just so grian won't start worrying about it all again. "you're clicking on everything that people do not usually click on today. but it's okay. it's still not broken! it's not broken, it's alright, it's okay— i've got failsaves for people like you."

it's so sweet how she really tries to soothe him— and yet she can't help but let out that last remark.

people like you.

those few words surely lodge in more than all the reassurances. they're like splinter, proving grian right.

eventually, he gets to skizz.

during the tour of skizz's base, skizz shows him a horse statue and starts talking about how he lost his first horse at an event that grian was also a part of. and grian's stomach instantly sinks.

he asks hushedly, a bit confused, trying to remember: "was i there?"

skizz laughs. "you were absolutely there, dude."

which leads grian to ask, uneasily: "did i do it?"

skizz waves his hands, quick to easily reassure that no! that's not it, grian didn't do it!

grian lets out an oh with such palpable relief, and goes on to explain about how, "i remember witnessing it, but sometimes it's hard to disentangle whether i did it or not. coz i tell you what, on this tour i've broken everyone's stuff."

nobody was upset with grian when things broke, but here he is, several hermits down, still unable to leave it to rest. because it's him. it's him who did all of that, somehow, and he didn't mean to, but it doesn't matter. it happened anyway.

and now he can't even tell what is and what isn't his fault anymore.

the guilt is deep rooted, leaving anxious assumptions and dark, jagged precipices. how much did he destroy? what else should he be feeling guilty about? how far does this go?

he keeps breaking things, and it's such a blur that he can no longer tell what is and what isn't his fault.

the tour continues, and he delves into skizz's pyramid. and it's just— it's just a tunnel to swim through. nothing to mess up, besides potentially dying to suffocation, right?

and yet you can hear skizz shrilly exclaim: "oh he's going to end up breaking something!!"

and, (plantie's words: ) grian hearing that and just wondering, is that all i'm good for? is that all i'm known for? is that all i am?

there's no room for doubt; not really. that is what grian does, all the time, whether he wants to or not. he breaks stuff. he just— he doesn't mean to. and this tour is one big show of how powerless he is against it. (how everyone expects it from him anyway.)

despite it all, grian perseveres, trying out skizz's game, stubbornly dedicated and trying to win. (to pass; to have something to be proud of, at least—) and he gets to the powdered snow section.

there, he jumps across to a pathway that he was meant to circle to through the snow instead.

it's not breaking anything, not really. not even the rules. it's not cheating! he's just— he just did something skizz did not expect, but that was entirely possible within the game's design, even if not intended. he exploited it to his advantage; a risky, tricky shortcut.

and yet skizz remarks with a laugh: "this is what grian does! he breaks games!"

no matter what grian does... is that all he'll ever be?

is that all they'll see?

he fails getting through skizz's game, is thanked for play-testing, praises it all, they talk it all away, and...

and then grian goes to tour mumbo's base.

and fails to even die properly to his llama—

and then mumbo shows him his archive machine, and instantly panicks when grian gets curious about it, begging him not to touch anything. and grian says: "your stomach just fell through didn't it?" and after mumbo's immediate agreement, he adds: "and rightfully so. coz, almost everything i've touched on this tour has broken."

there's not a sliver of surprise to mumbo's anxious rushed: "yeah, yeah yeah! please stop now." because, of course things have broken. of course what grian touches is bound to go wrong. of course—

and then mumbo very carefully tells grian what to do with the machine.

grian does as he's told.

mumbo looks up and pauses, a frown crossing his face as he takes it in. he notes that grian probably did it too fast—

(something went wrong)

(something broke)

mumbo says: "i can't believe you come along and every single thing in my base starts [going wrong/breaking/malfunctioning]"

and then grian mysteriously ends up with an extra book from mumbo's machine, much to mumbo's dismay. grian's confused, cogs spinning as he tries to figure out what did he mess up this time to result in this.

it's clear mumbo wants grian away from his machine. it's not safe. (grian isn't safe.)

"maybe just give that to me and maybe just step away from the contraption. and then— maybe just leave me to—"

grian's upset and bewildered voice cuts in: "i didn't do anything wrong this time :(("

he's trying so hard.

he's trying so hard to be good and do things right and not mess anything up.

(it isn't working.)

(it's never bound to work, is it?)

mumbo ushers him away, and ends up showing him another cool invention—an elevator. except the second mumbo hits the button, a creeper shows up and explodes it. (it's midday.) (it wasn't even meant to be there.)

this one isn't grian's fault at all, but with everything that's happened— well, it's easy enough to link it to grian's presence. like a bad luck omen.

apprehensively, grian asks if the elevator broke, and mumbo—a bit bewildered by the reality of it—says that no, it seems to still work. "amazingly," he tacks on, disbelieving.

grian's relieved. "ohh, i thought we were in big trouble there!"

besides himself, mumbo anxiously agrees: "augh. i was like, if every single creation that i show breaks in some fashion, i'm just gonna quit."

because this isn't normal. none of this is, least of all everything at once. it simply doesn't happen.

(not when grian isn't there, anyway.)

mumbo notes that he needs to work on his lighting, and grian nods wisely saying it's a perpetual issue, but the anxiety is digging its talons in now, unrelenting. (what else is going to go bad in grian's presence? what else will he mess up? what else will he break? why is he like this?)

another remark that comes after this is mumbo's nervous: "i've actually just built up the automatic sorter which does this—which you're not gonna touch. we're banned from touching any redstone contraptions!"

and what can grian do but oblige? (but he can at least look, right?)

but does it ever change anything?

does it matter?

at the end of the day, the others don't think too much about it.

they all say their part, pass their judgment, wave their hands, dismiss, move on. it doesn't keep them up at night.

... i think it might keep grian up at night.

a cacophonous collection of word snippets, aimed at him or woven around him, digging under his skin until it bleeds. a noose of inescapable fate, a tightening band around his chest that promises he can only ever be one thing:

a vessel for destruction.

it doesn't matter if he wants to be.

shackles and chains and a cosmic inevitability written into his skin, etched into his bones, tangled into his bloodstream. and an ever-rising guilt like stormy sea, far above his head now, drowning him.

(maybe he's not meant to be near other people and their things.)

(maybe he's not meant to touch games that were constructed with so much effort and love and passion poured into them.)

(maybe he shouldn't—)

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bonus screenshots from discord DMs (with extra sprinkles of hmtb mentions):

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bonus hmtb quotes because i kept thinking about it:

He always destroys the things he loves most, after all.

and:

He destroyed everything he touched, and when there was nothing left, he destroyed the only remaining thing: himself.

#ange answers #ribbon anon #grian angst #i might've gotten a bit rambly - this wasn't meant to be so long it just sort of kept snowballing the further i went. oops #anyway grian's such a good vessel for guilt #because he internalises it and holds on #even if nobody else holds a grudge #even if nobody else blames him #(and yet in all the little remarks - do they really not hold it against him? isn't there proof enough that clearly it matters to them too?)#(so how could he ever be absolved?)#for them these are just some random events #but for him it piles up and piles up and piles up #into an undeniable pattern that stains his hands like blood #and he can't wash his skin free of it #he can't escape it #no matter how hard he tries #(and yes it does tie beautifully into hmtb grian and his own perspective on things and struggles and how he deals with guilt)#(the keyword here is: badly) (he deals with the guilt badly)#i also went to think about other things like the tunnel bore incident and SL mumbo and WL zombie skizz and-#just so many instances of grian guilt you know?#it builds up until it's indisputable and inevitable #and grian is cornered by the reality of it (with nowhere to go)#think about it:#grian feels guilt over things he feels he has no control over (because it doesn't matter how hard he tries)#and we know grian thrives on having control #(just throwing that out there)#something about how grian keeps wretchedly confessing it to everyone - that he already broke many things #like tacking a warning sign on himself so they'd know to step away and save themselves #(and he's so scared it'll happen again. so scared that it'll keep happening. so scared that it'll never stop—)

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moeblob · 2 months ago

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My children are so stupid and I love them. The fact Right uses nicknames that are indeed Just Like That makes it even harder to differentiate which one needs to be eliminated. (Brent is pretty sure it's his head on the chopping block.)

#my characters #oops i fell in love #i love my raccoon son and hes grown a lot over the years but his inspiration recently popped into my mind #cause i forgot the characters name so i had to google it and yeahhhh #my original art of right and brent looks much more cringey now that i saw the inspo again #in terms of designs go at least bc its always been a battle of my anxiety vs my depression for the plot #but lemme just say its tempting to shove that inspiration under a rug and pretend its totally based on something i only played this year #even though ive had these characters for many years lmao #like i realize they look somewhat similar to how i draw some from dbh but its really far from the inspo ...#he has always been vulgar but he used to be much more aggressive (even verbally)#but i dont actually have much art of him in contact with others even originally which is cool to notice #the one noticeable two panel comic with him ALLOWING potentially touching someone #was actually just brent teasing him with oh you should give me a high five and then he raises his hand really high to mock his height #and im p sure that was drawn right after coworkers did that to me #which actually side tangent in the tags #shout out to my manager at my old job who did that as a joke and im like no wait keep it up there for a second #and then fuckin stepped back and then got momentum and used the counter to help and SMACK #resounding clap that made every single head in the restuarant turn to us #it was like a gun shot everyone got dead quiet and my manager looked STUNNED #then he said that was the best high five hes ever gotten and i was so proud it all started as a joke and jokes on him #i take the stupidest shit seriously

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tetzoro · 5 months ago

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the day the earth stood still is the day i felt your presence leave it, and then every day after that.

#tw grief #sigh sigh sigh.#apologies in advance as this is not the happiest yap ! i would just like to write out some of my feelings on this day #the heaviest heart weighs under an insurmountable amount of grief — the ghost of love #days like today are a twisted reminder that has every emotion flooding through your soul #longing . guilt . anger . an indescribable melancholy that could only be consoled through the sands of time #a year ago i lost my best guy friend and it’s never really gotten easier . but ive heard it never does #all i can do is bundle up the love i have for him and search for him in the clouds that take up the sky #the circumstances around his passing will never not haunt me and rather than go into it all i’d like to say is this #if you have a loved one or a relationship or a friendship you cherish .. then never ever stop fighting for it - for them.#as time never really seems to be on our side #each day i’ll live as he intended . to greet the world with kindness and a smile and passion for positivity #in his wisest words (or rather after every phone call we’d have hehe) i’ll try my best to stay awesome & encourage you all to do so as well #if you’ve read this then i’m taking your hand and thanking you #it didn’t feel right not acknowledging him at all on this blog . he’s the one that introduced me to anime + more importantly : one piece #i wish i could talk to him about it all so he could see how far down this rabbit hole i fell just as he had done #will be spending the day enjoying his favorite episodes and being gentle with the world that surrounds us #this is not like my usual yaps & i feel vulnerable posting it but i wanted to carve out a space for him on this blog #forever missing the connie to my sasha . maybe in another universe we’ll get it right #have a wonderful sunday my sweet friendz and if you can — hug your loved ones & blow a kiss up to the sky 🤍💫#thank you for being here & helping me make this a safe place .#₊˚⊹ ᰔ xoxo aims

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bookwyrminspiration · 7 days ago

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oh captive prince?? what are your thoughts on it, because i’m hesitant to read it because the reviews are pretty polar from what i’ve seen

I think you'll have to check back in once I've finished the series. I've finished book 1, and it's very much set-up for the rest of the trilogy. Establishing important people, important relationships and conflicts, etc.

So at this point it could go either way. I'll have to see how it plays out. Book 1 itself was fine, but you can just tell it's primary purpose is to lead into something more; evaluating it now feels disingenuous, like i'm missing a huge part of the picture

i shall keep you all updated and give thorough thoughts :)

#captive prince #quil's queries #nonsie #also i lied to you all yesterday i totally could've finished the book last night #i did not have 60 pages left. more like 10 #my book has both erasmus' bonus story and parts of the beginning of book 2 #so i sat down to read the last 60 pages and see what final turns there'd be only to learn i'd already read everything important and it was #just final details and dramatic endings #anyways. i've gotten my hands on book two (digitally checked out from the library)#we shall see how fast i read

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astriiformes · 11 months ago

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One thing they don't tell you about having raging undiagnosed moral OCD is that if you play a D&D character who is trying very hard to be a good person, they will accidentally get every single one of your Symptoms™ and years later in retrospect you will be extremely grateful your friends were willing to share a table with you

#i'm back at trying to transcribe some of our old session recaps and. you all will never guess what i'm realizing #listening to the audio we have of this one conversation between erwyn and kriv and physically cringing a bit #like on the one hand erwyn has a lot of trauma and him coming across as a bit mentally unbalanced is. in-character #but also i can tell how much of it was me doing it on accident #and also i'd forgotten that one reason i fell behind on recaps was that i was specifically avoiding listening to audio of this session #because i'd gotten so stressed out about it #not normal behavior! extremely mentally deranged of me actually!#god i'm so glad i understand my brain a little better now #but also. also

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puppppppppy · 1 year ago

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What brushes do you currently use?

right now, im using a customized version of tinderbox in procreate!! ive included some pictures and details under the cut ^_^

i draw with long strokes, so i've changed the speed size and opacity to match it. making the size 75% makes it thin out with fast movements and thicken with slow movements. similarly, it becomes more transparent with fast movements

jitter has been removed to make the brush look cleaner, although i'm still playing around with it so that might change

pen pressure has been edited so strokes become thin with hard touches and thick with light touches; i have a habit of pressing down when i draw lol. opacity is also turned up to the max

blending is kept the same, i just changed the flow and added maximum wet edges

id also recommend going into preferences and adjusting pressure sensitivity based on how you draw; in my case, i turned up the sensitivity so it responds to my strokes better since i draw really fast, but honestly its up to you. also helps to add stabilization since high sensitivity also catches jittery movements.

hope this helps!! please let me know what you think <3

#ive gotten this ask so many times i cant keep up with how often i change my brushes @_@#i think i really like this brush though since i finally figured out how to toggle speed and pressure properly to fit my hand #ill add this to my pinned and carrd #i draw really fast long strokes so its always bothered me that it felt like my brush wasnt responding as quickly and i thought it was #the stabilization.. procreate also has a guide for brush settings!!!#ask #answered #brushes #yapping

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badendinggamer · 25 days ago

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Random sprunki lore headcanons I have except it's mainly just jevin and black cause I have favorites so what-

- Jevin is 58 years old (surprise) and is the middle child with 2 sisters, Aurora(eldest) and Gwendolyn

- he was pretty much born into the cult, his father (Valerius Lunaire), was the cult leader along with his wife (Aurelia) who they basically co-op in terms of ownership

- of course there parenting was shit, no doudt. He mainly spent his time as a child learning preaches about there god and ifk other cult stuff

- the Cult doesn't really socialize like a normal sprunki society would as they have very strict social norms. But the main points is that they don't have form of relationship outside of the cult unless if there intent is to indoctrinate them

- when they got older his sisters were went to a different location than him to start up and run there cult and spread there beliefs. Jevin got sent to the main sprunki twon (i don't have a name yet) where the main cast is as his instructions were to just ....indoctrinate and start a cult and nothing else.

- unfortunately jevin has very little knowledge on how a Normal sprunki society function so he was quickly outlasted as he was not subtle about his intentions being there-

- sky was one of his first attempts cause of course he was. Tho partially why is because sky's father was once a part of Jevin's cult and worked with Jev's dad before he realized how bad it was and left the cult and eventually started a family. ....so you know kinda created a target

- of course Jevin being Jevin he eventually caught the eye of the sherif Tunner but for all the wrong reasons (we aren't to the gay part yet) and mainly keeps an eye on him ....and jevin still keeps screwing around like a cultic idiot

-ok let's move on to our other guy Black who is like 60 and some how has mom's with a younger brother( Polo, a scorpion)

-uhhh to sum it up, normal sprunki moth mother(Riley) .....monstrous praying Mantis probably-not-a-sprunki mother(Miss Noir ) . . . Truly an interesting love story

- so I don't remember where I got this idea from but black works as an independent detective, who is pretty much rivaling tunner in terms of jobs

- tbh he was kinda cursed thanks to his mother as most of the time bad stuff happens when he's around (it's like walking past a black cat....except it's a black centipede) and often gets blamed for it (but unlike his future son corvus he doesn't care)

-really bad smoking habit (inherited from his mother Riley)

- anyways here's kinda meets jevin while he's being stupid at a bar (not drunk) tho i guess jevin is kinda throwing a tantrum as he's preaching stuff about his god being right and the sun is a liar (that's a whole other lore piece all get into later but basically the main religion for sprunkis has Mr.Sun basically be god-) and pretty much causing a scene

- to save his ass Balck pretends to know the guy and basically drags an Upset Jevin out. Which kind makes jevin mad at first

- i completly forgot to mention how jevin has been in town for like 2 weeks now and has been sleeping on benches cause he doesnt know you have to buy homes (reminder, this guy is 58...well technically at this point he's probably like a few years younger tbh but still)

-idk how there conversation goes just yet but I just know black offers him money that jevin has absolutely no idea what to do with (someone give this guy an education please)

-dont ask how much black makes cause that was enough for jevin to buy himself an old creepy "chruch" like building to make both his main cultist area and home which i guess starts to bring in some people and let's jevin starts his newly cult leader stuff

- the next time they meet is like about a month after where jevin gets introuble again this time by Mr.Sun cause what do you know, trying to empose your cultist ideas on people isn't good. (This is the reason why in present time he is pretty quiet) where the conversation goes

Jevin: i got in trouble

Black: Ya kinda had it coming

Jevin: Fuck you

Black: have you eaten anything? You look unhealthy thin

Jevin: yeah I've been eating the diet my cult told me cause I clearly don't have a life outside of my cult.

Black: . . . . Instead of being concerned for why you haven't left this cult, I'm gonna take you out to dinner.

Jevin: ok fine but this isn't a date

Black: Agreed

Anyways random things idk how to fit in here

-so there god is Crecendo (totally not inspired by gametoons totally. Tho he does have a different design and color ok)

Long story short the sun kinda took his powers away cause he was a damn tyrant (and totally doesn't look like the devil) but he gained a cult following where his whole deal is that he was right and the sun's a bi-

- jevin does gain a crush on Tunner but his parents don't agree cause again, no relationships outside of the cult, they also didn't like tunner since his family helped sky's dad leave the cult (bad family history i guess)

- they only approves of black while it may not be there god he has some godly like status from his mother Noir. (Also cause he basically helped boost up the cult)

- sky is most definitely weary of jevin, he does like him to an extent but his family warns him of jevin and his intentions.

-both jevin and black use to have there hair in curls (black in a ponytail and jevin keeping it in a bun under his hood cause the cult was that strict) but after meeting each other they decided to get them into braids/locks

- Jevin is technically a good guy but he's not exactly a good person (very morally gray) and of courses choices the toxic option (Black) over the healthy option (Tunner)

- ok black isn't that bad, he isn't much of a villain just yet and even then it's mostly misunderstandings. But compared to tunner he is basically a demon (even tho jevin is the demon in the situation)

-bonus(next gen au edition): they may love there Sons but they will unfortunately repeat many of the mistakes there parents have made (also Jevin is a bit of a dead beat to Jane so idk what you'd expect)

#idk ok i had all these ideas in my head and i had to get them out some how #i was gonna draw them but i wanted a break after the animation i finished up recently so your just gonna ahve to inagine it #black was totally not jevin's sugar daddy for a while BYXYVNKRD #LIKE HE JUST HANDS HIM A STACK OF MONEY AND JUST TELLS HIM “go buy a house/food” LIKE IF ITS NORMAL #thankfully jevin knows more social norms now but he defeenitly gets embarrassed by this #he got here by train btw forgot to mention that #so did black tho he got there months ago before jevin #“of course the 2 outcasts get together” -sprunki people when they see black and jevin probably #im kinda surprised neither of them have gottened exiled #thats a lie jevin has in previous towns but they were smaller and less known and not as good #sprunki #sprunki incredibox #sprunki headcanons #headcanons #sprunki jevin #sprunki black #sprunki sky #sprunki tunner #darkcult #lore

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toonagi · 8 months ago

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learning to draw sonic characters for. reasons

they're so hard for me to draw their proportions are so different from how i draw anthros so i have to fight my own muscle memory ;-; this is my first somewhat successful attempt out of... a few (read: too many)

#the reasons may or may not be an au sonics mass attack i'm planning??? we'll see how things work out #new special interest alert. this has gotten to yugioh levels that's how you know i have The Brainrot #the way i draw sonic characters will definitely change as i find a happy medium between my style and the sonic style #but for Practice Reasons (i.e. i bad at drawing mobians) i tried to emulate the official style here #which is why it looks a little stiff lol #most of my drawing attempts were of scourge actually #what can i say. i'm a big fan of his transmasc swag and deviantart recolour energy #(scourge might sorta kinda maybe be my favourite sonic character and also one of my favourites of all time now)#(he rivals kaiba with how much i psychoanalyze him it's nuts)#toonagi art #digital art #artists on tumblr #sonic #sonic the hedgehog #sonic fanart #heehee funny blue hedgehog :]#unfortunately the new brush i've started using is very sensitive so yall get to see my shaky ass lineart #i'm just too awesome and swagful for straight lines i guess (<- has constant hand tremors)

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chiimeramanticore · 4 days ago

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waow

#before anything else i must warn this is going to be. unorganized thoughts mostly #in the last year or so ive tried to regain confidence that i am in fact plural and am not just faking it #or mistaking other symptoms for DID. shake off the denial y'know. as is so signature for this damn disorder #a diagnosis probably wouldnt even make me feel more sure lol. and also getting diagnosed for this specifically is like #the final boss of psychiatry to put it lightly lol #but when it quiets down in headspace ur always gonna feel like. maybe its over. whatever that was #it was just me and brandy for a while #but guess who had a godawful night and then a godawful morning and split a new alter ‼️‼️🔥🔥🔥🔥#he hates it here! he might hate me for creating him! im not sure !#hell im not even rly sure if im juno or brandy rn lol. my mind is just so messy today #i woke up.. when did i wake up. like 9:30 i think and its 1pm now and i haven't gotten out of bed #i don't even remember all that time passing . i couldve sworn its only been like an hour. two at most #on the one hand this has all been kinda terrible and mentally exhausting but at the same time. hey cant say im faking now LMAO #the other hand is brandy. the other hand is absolutely brandy. i am tired lol #im only posting this here so i can just like. process it i guess #ive had a weird time finding an outlet to just spew random thoughts into since leaving twitter so. sorry #idk if anyone's expecting this of me but i always kinda feel like i need some level of professionalism on this account #keyword some. i know this is tumblr #but idk if these very open posts are. annoying? weird? uncomfortable? entertaining somehow?#i know I know theres no point in worrying abt how others percieve you . knowing that hasnt stopped me from doing it lol #i dont remember where i was going w this. maybe i didnt have a goal in the first place #idk if you read this far i dont rly need u to act like u didnt see it cuz like. wouldnt have posted it otherwise #but idk why i am posting. idk what i want out of anyone who has read all this #maybe just. interact w this post in some way idk. it's actually kinda grounding for me if you can believe it #bleghh im thinkin of cheating on my weed break just to treat myself after all this. weed + a long walk would fix me

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fingertipsmp3 · 2 months ago

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Maybe I did this to myself but it does irk me when people see me knitting and they ask who it’s for and I say it’s for me and the immediate reaction is “you should sell it” yeah… let me spend at least a week’s worth of my free time making an item I like, want, and would wear just to sell it on etsy, making at most a £2 profit on materials and not being compensated for my time whatsoever 👍🏻

#i say maybe i did this to myself because historically i have gifted most of the items i have knitted #because the venn diagram of things i like to knit vs things i like to wear is actually 2 circles that don’t touch #i looove making hats. i HATE wearing hats #also i love making baby clothes but i don’t have a baby and i’m not going to have a baby #however lately i’ve gotten really into knitting socks and i really like to wear knit socks. it’s like the most affordable way for me to get #quality wool socks. and i’m going to be watching my shows anyway. the time will pass anyways #but it feels like people are deliberately making me feel weird for wanting to make stuff for myself and not profit off my hobby #and like i’ve made 3 pairs of socks to gift already because ‘tis the season or whatever. and i’ve started another pair for a friend whose #birthday is in january #genuinely it’s very weird to hear ‘you should sell it’ or ‘oh i want one!!’ about an item i’m making for myself. after 18 years of gifting #or donating basically everything i’ve ever knitted. like i’ve gifted 2 double bed size crochet blankets #everyone i’ve known who’s had a baby has gotten a cardigan or a blanket or hats or all of the above #i spent october making poppies for the church. i’ve never even stepped foot in my village church mind you. my neighbour asked me to help #do you know what i own? that i’ve knitted? a pair of mittens and a pair of socks.#you want some socks from me? alright. that’s anywhere between £6 and £10 for the yarn and that’s optimistic #i’m currently making myself a pair with hand-dyed yarn that cost me £18 including delivery #the needles i use cost me more than £10. time… let’s call it 24 hours per sock #i don’t know anyone with 18 years experience who makes minimum wage so let’s call it an even 600 for my time. tbh #DO YOU SEE how this isn’t a viable side hussle??? i physically cannot charge what my socks are worth #if i like you and you’re willing to wait; socks are free or cost whatever the yarn costs #if i don’t like or know you venmo me £620. and you’re still going to have to wait.#just pisses me OFF when people suggest i make an etsy page and they say it like they’re doing me a favour or giving me great financial #advice. like you’ve seen me sitting here all evening and i’m barely done with the cuff.. do you actually think selling these for £20 maximum #is going to help me out. i’m not selling them. they’re FOR me. i’m making them because i want them #also when my friend’s family was saying this to me and i was like ‘well the yarn cost a fiver’ and they got quiet and i was thinking yeah…#a fiver is the maximum you cheapskates would pay isn’t it. a fiver is cheap sock yarn bought on sale. or yarn that probably isn’t actually #good for socks. like don’t presume to give me financial advice when you’re this out of touch with the market please #next person who asks when i’m going to start selling socks is getting this whole rant in entirety tbh i don’t care anymore #personal #edited to add that i didn’t even get into etsy fees or whether i would even be noticed among the mountain of dropshippers LOL

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phagodyke · 4 months ago

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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍

#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man #thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking #mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they #dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done #listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life #i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this #once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i #dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this #ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be #i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about #how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being #given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out #entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please #its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have #to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once #and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general #feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this #but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is #i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired #i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if #i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore #i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr #and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning #my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better #it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood #my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it #cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen #.vent #ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.

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vaguely-concerned · 3 months ago

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I was just ambushed within the turbulent halls of my own mind by some headcanons about rye ingellvar's childhood that did 15000000 points of psychic damage to me and my heart personally and also made me almost sure of how I want to play it all at the end (very very differently from how I imagined going in!). some 'oh holy fuck this changes everything' rocking my own world bullshit going on in my neurons right now I'm reeling

#I'm sorry to say that despite what I expected I think the dread wolf might be going down violently on my first run???#not because *I* love solas any less but because of who rye is and some of the twists I know happen down the line #which does make for a neat thing b/c I meant to play the crow I'm going with second as initially incredibly hostile #and then growing to feel for him and redeeming him at the end.#so if rye starts out very reasonable and sympathetic and then is brought to 'haha. no. fuck you forever for that in particular' at the end #...a pleasing cosmic symmetry in it I must admit. perfect and also makes me feel a bit sick #I'll try to put together something coherent eventually but for now #it's sort of a 'my name is ellaryen ingellvar you killed the guy #that my brain went 'close enough welcome back beloved and much missed deceased father figure' over. prepare to despair and die'#I think just the killing part might not have done it but everything that comes after? rye is a chill guy until he finally decides #that enough is fucking *enough*. and that was the most enough of all time for them #it also explains rye's accent (one of his primary caregivers growing up was a dwarf)! so many birds with one stone here #also I am so fucking sad now and I did it entirely to myself. I love fiction I love games (embarassingly genuine)#dragon age #dragon age: the veilguard #dragon age: the veilguard spoilers #dragon age spoilers #oc: ellaryen ingellvar #thank god that the romanced solas playthrough is the second one tho that does make things less dire haha #adaar would have given it the good old college try to get solas to change his mind right to the end I think #but even his capable hands and politician's mind could not hold back the sheer beware the fury of a patient man storm #that is about to hit solas for the shit he just pulled. I think rye and solas are -- as it turns out -- TOO alike in many ways #...solas buddy I'm so sorry I'll come back for you on the second playthrough and make it right I swear fhsak #it's just that a second dead dwarf dad has joined the chat to haunt the narrative (and this time it's fucking personal frfr)#it's almost scary how quick I've gotten attached to my rook tho. I've waited A DECADE to save this bald elf man from himself #and then rye shows up with steel in his normally kind eyes going 'no. I want that fucker *dead*'. and I just go anything for you babyboy #I'll see what we can do. unspeakable stuff

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screambirdscreaming · 8 months ago

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I used to like saying "gender is a social construct," but I stopped saying that because people didn't tend to react well - they thought that I was saying gender wasn't real, or didn't matter, or could be safely ignored without consequences. Which has always baffled me a bit as an interpretation, honestly, because many things are social constructs - like money, school, and the police - and they certainly have profound effects on your life whether or not you believe in them. And they sure don't go away if you ignore them.

Anyway. What I've taken to saying instead is, "gender is a cultural practice." This gives more of a sense of respect for the significance gender holds to many people. And it also opens the door to another couple layers of analysis.

Gender is cultural. It is not globally or historically homogeneous. It shifts over time, develops differently in different communities, and can be influenced by cross-cultural contact. Like many, many aspects of culture, the current status of gender is dramatically influenced by colonialism. Colonial gender norms are shaped by the hierarchical structure of imperialist society, and enforced onto colonized cultures as part of the project of imperial cultural hedgemony.

Gender is practiced. What constitutes a gender includes affects and behaviors, jobs or areas of work, skillsets, clothing, collective and individual practices of gender affiliation and affirmation. Any or all of these things, in any combination, depending on the gender, the culture, and the practitioner.

Gender encompasses shared cultural archetypes. These can include specific figures - gods and goddesses, mythic or fictional characters, etc - or they can be more abstract or general. The Wise Woman, Robin Hood, the Dyke, the Working Man, the Plucky Heroine, the Effete Gay Man, etc etc. The range of archetypes does not circumscribe a given gender, that is, they're not all there is to gender. But they provide frameworks and reference points by which people relate to gender. They may be guides for ways to inhabit or practice a gender. They may be stereotypes through which the gendered behavior of others is viewed.

Gender as a framework can be changed. Because it is created collectively, by shared acknowledgement and enforcement by members of society. Various movements have made significant shifts in how gender is structured at various times and places. The impact of these shifts has been widely variable - for example, depending on what city I'm in, even within my (fairly culturally homogeneous) home country, the way I am gendered and reacted to changes dramatically. Looping back to point one, we often speak of gender in very broad terms that obscure significant variability which exists on many scales.

Gender is structured recursively. This can be seen in the archetypes mentioned above, which range from extremely general (say, the Mother) to highly specific (the PTA Soccer Mom). Even people who claim to acknowledge only two genders will have many concepts of gendered-ways-of-being within each of them, which they may view and react to VERY differently.

Gender is experienced as an external cultural force. It cannot be opted out of, any more than living in a society can be opted out of. Regardless of the internal experience of gender, the external experience is also present. Operating within the shared cultural understanding of gender, one can aim to express a certain practice of gender - to make legible to other people how it is you interface with gender. This is always somewhat of a two-way process of communication. Other people may or may not perceive what you're going for - and they may or may not respect it. They may try to bring your expressed gender into alignment with a gender they know, or they might parcel you off into your own little box.

Gender is normative. Within the structure of the "cultural mainstream," there are allowable ways to practice gender. Any gendered behavior is considered relative to these standards. What behavior is allowed, rewarded, punished, or shunned is determined relative to what is gender normative for your perceived gender. Failure to have a clearly perceivable gender is also, generally, punished. So is having a perceivable gender which is in itself not normative.

Gender is taught by a combination of narratives, punishments, and encouragements. This teaching process is directed most strongly towards children but continues throughout adulthood. Practice of normatively-gendered behaviors and alignment with 'appropriate' archetypes is affirmed, encouraged, and rewarded. Likewise 'other'- gendered behavior and affinity to archetypes is scolded, punished, or shunned. This teaching process is inherently coercive, as social acceptance/rejection is a powerful force. However it can't be likened to programming, everyone experiences and reacts to it differently. Also, this process teaches the cultural roles and practices of both (normative) genders, even as it attempts to force conformity to only one.

Gender regulates access to certain levers of social power. This one is complicated by the fact that access to levers of social power is also affected by *many* other things, most notably race, class, and citizenship. I am not going to attempt to describe this in any general terms, I'm not equipped for that. I'll give a few examples to explain what I'm talking about though. (1) In a social situation, a man is able to imply authority, which is implicitly backed by his ability to intimidate by yelling, looming, or threatening physical violence. How much authority he is perceived to have in response to this display is a function of his race and class. It is also modified by how strongly he appears to conform to a masculine ideal. Whether or not he will receive social backlash for this behavior (as a separate consideration to how effective it will be) is again a function of race/class/other forms of social standing. (2) In a social situation, a woman is able to invoke moral judgment, and attempt to modify the behavior of others by shame. The strength of her perceived moral authority depends not just on her conformity to ideal womanhood, but especially on if she can invoke certain archetypes - such as an Innocent, a Mother, or better yet a Grandmother. Whether her moral authority is considered a relevant consideration to influence the behavior of others (vs whether she will be belittled or ignored) strongly depends on her relative social standing to those she is addressing, on basis of gender/race/class/other.

[Again, these examples are *not* meant to be exhaustive, nor to pass judgment on employing any social power in any situation. Only to illustrate what "gendered access to social power" might mean. And to illustrate that types of power are not uniform and may play out according to complex factors.]

Gender is not based in physical traits, but physical traits are ascribed gendered value. Earlier, I described gender as practiced, citing almost entirely things a person can do or change. And I firmly believe this is the core of gender as it exists culturally - and not just aspirationally. After the moment when a gender is "assigned" based on infant physical characteristics, they are raised into that gender regardless of the physical traits they go on to develop (in most circumstances, and unless/until they denounce that gender.) The range of physical traits like height, facial shape, body hair, ability to put on muscle mass - is distributed so that there is complete overlap between the range of possible traits for people assigned male and people assigned female. Much is made of slight trends in things that are "more common" for one binary sex or the other, but it's statistically quite minor once you get over selection bias. However, these traits are ascribed gendered connotations, often extremely strongly so. As such, the experience of presented and perceived gender is strongly effected by physical traits. The practice of gender therefore naturally expands to include modification of physical traits. Meanwhile, the social movements to change how gender is constructed can include pushing to decrease or change the gendered association of physical traits - although this does not seem to consistently be a priority.

Gender roles are related to the hypothetical ability to bear children, but more obliquely than is often claimed. It is popular to say that the types of work considered feminine derive from things it is possible to do while pregnant or tending small children. However, research on the broader span of human history does not hold this up. It may be true of the cultures that gave immediate rise to the colonial gender roles we are familiar with - secondary to the fact that childcare was designated as women's work. (Which it does not have to be, even a nursing infant doesn't need to be with the person who feeds it 24 hours a day.) More directly, gender roles have been influenced by structures of social control aiming for reproductive control. In the direct precursors of colonial society, attempts to track paternal lineage led to extreme degrees of social control over women, which we still see reflected in normative gender today. Many struggles for women's liberation have attempted to push back these forms of social control. It is my firm opinion that any attempt to re-emphasize childbearing as a touchstone of womanhood is frankly sick. We are at a time where solidarity in struggle for gender liberation, and for reproductive rights, is crucial. We need to cast off shackles of control in both fights. Trying to tie childbearing back to womanhood hobbles both fights and demeans us all.

Gender is baked deeply enough into our culture that it is unlikely to ever go away. Many people feel strongly about the practice of gender, in one way or another, and would not want it to. However we have the power to change how gender is structured and enforced. We can push open the doors of what is allowable, and reduce the pain of social punishment and isolation. We can dismantle another of the tools of colonial hedgemony and social control. We can change the culture!

#Gender theory #I have gotten so sick of seeing posts about gender dynamics that have no robust framework of what gender IS #so here's a fucking. manifesto. apparently.#I've spent so long chewing on these thoughts that some of this feels like. it must be obvious and not worth saying.#but apparently these are not perspectives that are really out in the conversation?#Most of this derives from a lot of conversations I've had in person. With people of varying gender experiences.#A particular shoutout to the young woman I met doing collaborative fish research with an indigenous nation #(which feels rude to name without asking so I won't)#who was really excited to talk gender with me because she'd read about nonbinary identity but I was the first nb person she'd met #And her perspective on the cultural construction of gender helped put so many things together for me.#I remember she described her tribe's construction of gender as having been put through a cookie cutter of colonial sexism #And how she knew it had been a whole nuanced construction but what remained was really. Sexist. In ways that frustrated her.#And yet she understood why people held on to it because how could you stand to loose what was left?#And how she wanted to see her tribe be able to move forward and overcome sexism while maintaining their traditional practices in new ways #As a living culture is able to.#Also many other trans people of many different experiences over the years.#And a handful of people who were involved in the various feminist movements of the past century when they had teeth #Which we need to have again.#I hate how toothless gender discourse has become.#We're all just gnawing at our infighting while the overall society goes wildly to shit #I was really trying to lay out descriptive theory here without getting into My Opinions but they got in there the last few bullet points #I might make some follow up posts with some of my slightly more sideways takes #But I did want to keep this one to. Things I feel really solidly on.

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