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supercriminalbean · 2 years ago

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Jail Bird.

Aaron Hotchner x GN!Reader.

Okay so this is my first every fanfic, I’m not entirely happy with this but fuck it. It's been sitting in my drafts for 6 months so I’m now posting it. Um, enjoy. I hope Thank you.

Do not repost this on other sites thank you.

Summary: Night out with Garcia goes south so what happens when you have to ring Hotch to pick you up from Jail one night. What could happen between you two.

Gender Netural reader, they/them pronouns.

Warnings: Swearing, fluff, alcohol, assault, being drugged, jail, police assault, fighting, kissing. (If I forgot anything let me know)

Words: 2.9k

“We really messed up this time, didn’t we (Y/n)” Penelope groans resting her head on your shoulder. You are both resting on the benches in the holding cell, your eyes scan around the room, there are five other people in the cells. Three drunk men asleep on the floor leaning against the walls and Two younger girls, leaning against each other on the benches opposite you, looking scared, cold and alone. Glancing down at Penelope, you see her left eye is starting to swell. Her hair she had up earlier, now a complete mess, along with her lipstick and mascara all smudge. Realisation hits that you must look similar if not worse.

“Yeah we fucked up, but the worst part is we now need someone to bail us out” Letting out a breathles sigh. Regret fills you up, letting your head drop onto hers, for some rest. You really fucked up this time, wondering to yourself why do you go out drinking tequila with this women. Your head is pounding, with the alcohol in your systems, the lights in here making it so much worse.

“We can ring Derek, he will tease us but that's better than Emily's teasing” Garcia suggests, closing her eyes, exhausted.

“I wish we could, but he's in California doing a conference with Reid and Emily, remember?” You groan out.

“What about if we ring JJ?” Shaking your head in response, as you remember she's gone on holiday and with that, it only leaves you with two choices.

“Nope, JJ went on a romantic weekend with Will.” Rubbing your hands over your face, sitting up straight.

“So that leaves us with…” She trails off, her eyes opening slowly.

“Yep” sighs “Hotch or Rossi”

“We are screwed” Garcia goes quiet, coming to the same realisation as you.

“We still have a couple more hours before we are allowed to call anyone, Pen, try to get some rest, you are going to need it by the time we get out of here” Looking down at her head on your shoulders noticing her eyes are already closing. After a while her breathing evens out as she falls into a light sleep.

A couple hours pass by slowly, as you get to watch the sun coming up through a small window across the room. Glancing at the clock, noticing that it is only 5:23am, giving you 7 minutes left until you can finally get a phone call, and hope to leave. Glancing down at Garcia, you see that she's now awake, and staring at the clock. Her left eye is still swollen and a bruise is slowly forming. Looking around the room, knowing that no one else has joined you throughout the night. The two girls across from you are finally asleep. During the night, you had given one of them your jacket to keep her warm, as she was starting to shake. Soon one of the police officers walks over, unlocking the cell and gestures to you and Garcia to stand up.

“One of you two come here, you get the first call of the morning” He holds the cell door open.

Turning to Garica you speak quietly, your body filled with exhaustion and anxiety.

“Pen, you go, ring Rossi he's got a soft spot for you, and less likely to yell this early”

She nods as she gets up and walks out quietly, just as nervous as you.

About ten minutes goes past, when she walks back in looking even more depressed than before, if that was even possible right now. Sitting down beside you she speaks, her voice sounding strained, from dehydration and stress.

“He didn't answer and they wouldn't let me ring anyone else” She rested her head against the wall.

“I really do not want to ring Hotch right now” Groaning with dread as you stand up. Your legs feel like jelly, being uneasy on your feet, moving slowly forward feeling light headed from the alcohol and the lack of sleep.

“Oi hurry up, i'm not holding this door open all day” Rolling your eyes at the officer as you walk out, following him to the phone.

“You get two attempts to call, better hope they answer” The officer leans against the wall watching you, giving you an uneasy feeling.

“Right thanks” Sighing as you pick up the phone and punching in Hotch’s work number, knowing he's most likely to answer that one, rather than his personal. It rings five times, your heart is pounding as you fear he won’t answer, or worse that he will.

“Hello Hotchner '' His voice sounding heavy with sleep,

“Um hey Hotch it’s me, (Y/n). I'm sorry to have to ring you but” Taking a quick breath, as your voice shakes with anxiety.

“(Y/n)? Are you okay? Why are you ringing me so early on a saturday?” His voice filled with concern. You can't help but to imagine, his eyebrows narrowing in confusion.

“I messed up Hotch, I mean it, I really really messed up. I need your help please?” Tears springing to your eyes, realising how bad the situation could have ended up being.

“What happened, where are you?” His voice is groggy but starts to sound more awake.

“Down at the police station, in the holding cells with Garica” Your voice trailing off, closing your eyes, waiting for his response. The other side of the line goes quiet for a short moment.

“Are you hurt?” His voice was soft but you could almost hear a harsh tone coming through.

“Not really.. We had too much to drink, we got in a fight, we need someone to bail us out, please.” You sigh tiredly, hearing him huff angrily,

“I will be there soon” is the last thing you hear before the line goes dead.

“Hotch is on his way” You let out a long breath, sitting back down beside her. “I'm so sorry Penelope, I got us into this mess” Rubbing your hands over your face, something you do when you’re stressed.

“This is not your fault, you did what anyone would do, it's just your luck you would punch the wrong guy” She smiles gently, trying her best to make light of this situation. You can't help but smile weakly at her.

“I'm just sorry they got away and that you got hurt” Glancing at her black eye.

“You got hurt, more than I did, my eye hurts but I'll be okay, how are your ribs? They seem to punch you hard” Her voice filled with concern.

“Yeah they got a few good hits in, definitely going to bruise” Placing your hand gently on your side, wincing slightly. “You know Hotch is going to kill us right?” You smirk slightly.

“Oh he won't, you know we are his favourite in the team” Giggling slightly, she adds. “Plus we know Hotch can't stay mad at you for long” Rolling your eyes up at her remembering what she let slip last night, about a bet the team had.

The officer walks back over, unlocking the cell watching them.

“You two really do work for the FBI?” He questions.

“Yep that's us” You slowly stood up, your body feeling even heavier than before.

“Huh, I thought that was, just drunk talking last night”

Following the officer back out to the front, you see Hotch finishing signing off some paperwork at the front desk. Sending Garcia a quick nervous glance, as you look at Hotch, who has his disappointed boss face on.

“Let's go” He walks over to the door, holding it open for you both.

As you three start walking out to his car. Your arms are folded across your chest, rubbing your arms gently trying to stay warm. You regret wearing shorts that only go halfway to your knees, and a low, thin top. It starts raining, the sky covered in stormy grey clouds. Garcia pulls her jacket tighter out herself, only wearing a thin dress, she looks like she is freezing as much as you. As you walk over, towards his car in complete silence. He shrugs off his jacket and wraps it around your shoulders, helping slide your arms in. He is standing extremely close to you as he opens the front passenger door of his car for you. You glance over at Garcia and see her smirking at you, raising your eyebrow at her in confusion. Wondering how she's finding this so amusing, as you get into the car.

“What the hell happened?” His eyes narrow as he starts driving.

“Um Garcia, want to take this one?” You look beggingly at her.

“No, (Y/n) you tell me. Now” his eyes glance at you, his face filled with anger.

“Okay look, it's not that bad, okay we did what we thought was right, with a few too many drinks in us” You try to reason.

“Oh a few to many drinks, really, because they said you punched a cop”

Your hands run over your face feeling stressed. “I did do that, but that was an accident, I didn't know he was cop”

“Right and that makes it okay, you are a FBI agent (Y/L) you can not be getting into fights, and you can not be dragging Garcia into trouble as well”

“Sir can I just say something please” Garcia begins, Hotch goes quite watching her closely, in the rear facing mirror.

“It wasn't their fault, another guy started it, we were sitting at the bar, doing some shots, and this older guy, like he was older than you and he started flirting with some girls beside us, these girls who are barely of age they were clearly uncomfortable” Garcia talks quickly mumbling some of her words. She still seems a little bit drunk, and nervous trying to explain herself to her boss.

“Yeah so I was watching him, I thought maybe we might need to help them, but then I saw his friend on the other side of the girls slip something in one of their drinks, so I kind of pushed my way though the first guy to talk to the girls and told them what the other guy did”

“Yeah he did not like that” You nod along with Garcia.

“So let me guess he got angry?” Hotch sighs, his face relaxing slightly.

“Oh extremely, next thing I knew I was being pushed to the ground, so I got up and we started fighting, I was soon fighting like three grown ass dudes, I was doing well until this guy grabbed me by the hair”

“So I may have jumped on his back and pulled him down” Garcia adds “Then the Police turned up, and tried to break up the fight”

“I didn't see that, they were Cops, so I accidentally punched him in the face, and broke his nose, and then the other three guys got away” Slowly lifting your head up to look at Hotch.

“Did you tell all this to the officers?” His voice softens, glancing at you, his expression is hard to read, before he's back looking at the road.

“We did, they said if it is true they won't press charges on me, so they are checking the cameras today” Hotch nods, listening, we go quiet. As we pull up outside Penelope place.

“Garcia” Hotch sighs slightly “Get some rest today, and I’ll see you at work tomorrow”

“Yes sir, thank you” she smiles as she goes to get out.

“Wait, Garica, remember to ice your eye and get some cream on it” He adds, with a small smile.

She smiles “I will do that, thank you Sir” she closes the door and walks inside.

As you both make the way back to your apartment, it's completely silent for the first few blocks.

“Are you going to say anything to me at all Aaron?”

“What do you want me to say (Y/n), huh?, you ring me, 5:30 in the morning, to come get you and Garcia out of jail, after you cancelled our plans last night to go get drunk” Hotch snaps angrily.

“You said you were okay with us changing our plans, seeing as Jack had a sleep over any way I figure movie night was cancelled, it is just a movie Aaron” Snapping slightly, closing your eyes tired

“This isn't about the movie, this is about you drinking too much.”

“Me drinking to much?, Hotch, I had a couple to many, yes, but this was not my fault, I wasn't going to let those girls get drugged and who knows what else, we see what can happen to girls like that everyday, there was no way we were going to let that happen” You argue loudly.

“You could of gone a different way, keep those girls safe, and yourself”

“I am fine Hotchner and so are those girl”

“NO (Y/L) You are not fine, you have blood on your face, and bruises going down your arms, and you smell like a nightclub” He parks his car outside your apartment building. You turn to him surprised.

“Did you just (Y/L) me?

“You Hotchner me” he crosses his arms, you huff as you undo your seatbelt and open your door.

“See you at work Aaron” Getting out of the car, slamming the door closed. Hotch gets out and walks towards you. “What are you doing Aaron?”

“I am walking you inside, this conversation is not over”

“Whatever” Rolling your eyes, again. You two make your way inside and up 4 flights of stairs and finally, unlocking your door after a long night. All you really want to do is have a shower, but first you have to deal with whatever lecture Aaron wants to give you.

Walking inside you head straight over to the kitchen to turn the coffee pot on, Aaron following behind you closely, watching you silently.

“I know I'm great to watch but can you stop going silent. It's really annoying.” You look up at him. Instead of answering he walks away into the bathroom, walking back out holding a cloth.

“Take my jacket off and sit. '' He stands by the table and pulls out a seat at the table for you. Sighing as you pull his jacket off as you make your way to him, placing it on the table before taking a seat. One of his hands reached up to your face gently holding your chin, keeping you in place.

“Aaron I can clean myself up” Your words come out quietly, exhausted.

“Do not try and argue with me agent” A smirk plays into his voice. Gently he cleans the dried blood and dirt off your face, wincing slightly as he cleans the blood off your bottom lip.

You can’t tell if it's the alcohol still in your system, or if you're just so sleep deprived. But you can't stop staring at his face seeing how handsome he looks when he's concentrating. How the brown in his eyes seems golden in the lighting. Your check starts burning as you realise how close you are to him, and how all you want to do is melt into his arms as he holds you close.

His hands move slowly and gently, washing the blood and dirt off your skin. You watch his hand move, biting your lips as you stare at them. What you say next to him, you want to blame the alcohol.

“Hey Aaron, did you know the team has a betting pool on us?”

He looks up a little confused, a smirk on his beautiful lips. “They do?”

“Yeah Pen told me last night that they all think we are secretly dating, and that's why we are always watching movies, or why I'm over at your place teaching Jack how to bake.” You laugh slightly.

“Huh, they really think we are dating?” he chuckles weakly, shaking his head.

“It's not the worst idea in the world” Biting your lip looking him in the eyes.

“Well I mean I am your boss, that would be highly inappropriate” He smirks, shaking his head slightly.

“Maybe, but I think inappropriate went out the window after we started cuddling on the couch watching movies with your son.” Your words come out slowly, watching for his reaction. He smiles softly, his eyes filling with hope and love, he looks up at you, placing the cloth down.

“You know, both of us are profilers, yet we are so oblivious aren't we” You blush softly as he takes your hand.

“We are, Dave keeps calling me an idiot for not telling you how I feel” You can’t help but laugh along with him.

“We really are idiots, aren't we Hotchner” Biting your lip softly, leaning closer to him.

“That we are” He smirks. “I think I'm supposed to ask you on a date now?” Shaking your head, a laugh still on your lips.

“I'm pretty sure we have been on plenty of dates, we just never realised” You tease as he leans forward.

“That means I can do this then” He chuckles softly as he closes the gap between them, his lips capturing yours softly. His arms coming up wrapping around your body pulling you close you can’t help but melt into his touch.

#criminal minds #criminal minds one shot #aaron hotchner #aaron hotchner one shot #aaron hotchner x reader #aaron hotchner fluff #reader in jail aaron bails them out #aaron hotchner x gender netural reader #Penelope garcia #penelope garcia x reader

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mostlysignssomeportents · 1 year ago

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Kinkslump Linkdump

This is my dozenth linkdump! The world comes at you fast, and even though I'm writing 4-5 essays a week for this newsletter, many's the week that ends with more stray links than will fit in that format. Here's the previous ones:

https://pluralistic.net/tag/linkdump/

I managed to turn out five posts last week, despite being on tour with my latest novel, The Lost Cause, a hopeful solarpunk novel endorsed by Rebecca Solnit, Bill McKibben and Kim Stanley Robinson. The tour went great – the book's now a national bestseller on the USA Today list! Here's an essay I wrote explaining the structure of the feeling that the book is meant to convey:

https://www.torforgeblog.com/2023/11/14/cory-doctorow-the-swerve/

This is a climate emergency novel full of rising seas, terrible storms, wildfires and zoonotic plagues, and yet – it is a hopeful novel. What makes it hopeful? It depicts a future in which we are treating these phenomena with the gravitas and urgency they warrant, with our whole society's focus shifting to moving coastal cities inland, weatherizing and solarizing our housing, and creating permanent housing for internal refugees.

While it would be infinitely preferable to live in a world where none of that is necessary, that's not the world we have. This is an sf novel, not a fantasy novel, so all the climate harms we've locked in through decades of expensively procured inaction are present. But the difference between disaster and catastrophe is how and whether we address those harms. Sure, this is a world where superstorms wipe away whole cities and Miami is a drowned mangrove swamp, but it's also a world in which oil executives do not chair UN climate summits or complain that oil companies are being "unjustly vilified":

https://www.cnbc.com/2023/11/27/opec-says-oil-industry-unjustly-vilified-ahead-of-climate-talks-.html

I write a lot, and it's not just this newsletter. Writing transports me from my anxieties and aches. That's how I came to write nine books during lockdown ("when life gives you SARS, make sarsaparilla"). Lost Cause was one of three books I published in 2023.

I'm going to greet 2024 with another novel, The Bezzle, a sequel to 2023's Red Team Blues, about the hard-charging, high-tech forensic accountant Marty Hench:

https://us.macmillan.com/books/9781250865878/thebezzle

The Bezzle is a story about the shitty technology adoption curve – the way that the worst technologies we have are first rolled out on the people least able to complain about them. After these bad technologies have their sharp edges sanded down on the bodies of prisoners, refugees and kids, they move up to blue collar workers and discount store shoppers, and so on, until we're all living under their thumb.

In The Bezzle, a dear friend of Marty finds himself serving a long sentence in a privatized California prison that flips from one private equity fund to the next, each with even worse, more extractive ways to use technology to bleed prisoners and their families dry. You can read the opening scenes in a just-published excerpt on Tor Books's site:

https://www.torforgeblog.com/2023/11/20/excerpt-reveal-the-bezzle-by-cory-doctorow/

The period immediately before a book's publication is always a tense one, as the first reviews trickle in. Library Journal's Marlene Harris is the first out of the gate, with a spectacular review:

https://www.libraryjournal.com/review/the-bezzle-1802415

Marty’s reminiscences range from obscure financial machinations to heaping helpings of social commentary but always move the underlying thriller story forward in a backwards heist tale that delivers a righteously satisfying ending to the surprise of both the reader and the villain. This novel, like his previous outing, rides on Marty’s voice. He has a jaundiced view of everything, but he tells it with such style and verve that readers are caught up and ride along on the surface until the shark beneath the water jumps out and bites the villain where it hurts.

I'm headed into Skyboat Media's studios on Monday with @wilwheaton to record the audiobook for this one, directed as ever by the amazing Gabrielle de Cuir. Keep your eyes peeled for a presale crowdfunder in January!

I am often asked how I decide when to present an idea through fiction and when to do so with nonfiction. The answer is a complicated one, and I got into it in some detail on Nature's Working Scientist podcast, in discussion with Paul Shrivastava:

https://www.nature.com/articles/d41586-023-03394-8

When it comes to politics, fiction and nonfiction are intensely complementary. Nonfiction can convey the data about a social phenomenon, but fiction can convey the meaning of the data. It's one thing to see a chart about inequality, and another to inhabit it through fiction. Marty Hench's narrative adventures are a way into the feeling of living in a corrupt oligarchy.

There are other ways into that feeling, of course. Take Barry Bowen's "Lifestyles of the Blessed & Famous: Preacher Homes Sold in 2023" for The Roys Report:

https://julieroys.com/lifestyles-blessed-famous-preacher-homes-sold-2023/?mc_cid=9678383b64

If a picture is worth a thousand words, then carefully staged realtor drone shots ganked from the Redfin listing for a "pastor"'s $3.5m mansion in Newport Beach is a full-on sermon about the corruption of the Hillsong megachurch:

https://www.redfin.com/CA/Newport-Beach/503-30th-St-92663/home/12363926

Narratives and photos are all well and good, but there's always room for some data. The USA's weird breed of federalism and devolved power makes for some very interesting data. Writing for The American Prospect, Paul Starr rounds up several studies evaluating the "natural experiments" created by enacting very different policies in otherwise similar states:

https://prospect.org/health/2023-12-08-life-death-cost-conservative-power/

The data is in: conservativism kills. Living in a red state shortens your life expectancy. The redder the state, the worse it is. The bluer the state, the longer you're likely to live:

https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/1468-0009.12469

The exemplars here are Connecticut and Oklahoma, whose life expectancies were at par until they began to diverge in policies. Oklahoma got more conservative, Connecticut got more liberal. Today, the average Oklahoman will pop their clogs at 75.8, while a Connecticutensian can expect 80.7 years.

Different scholars have parsed out different policy outcomes. Giving Medicaid to children, for example, shows benefits for the next 50 years:

https://www.aeaweb.org/articles?id=10.1257/aer.20171671

The big one, of course, is gun control. Here's the topline: "restrictive state gun policies reduce overall gun deaths." Water also wet:

https://journals.lww.com/epidem/fulltext/2023/11000/the_era_of_progress_on_gun_mortality__state_gun.3.aspx

Fact-free spiritual beliefs like "an armed society is a polite society" are key to conservative policymaking. Pesky progressives who confuse the issue with relevant facts are playing dirty, pointing out reality's unfair leftist bias.

But after 40 years of neoliberal deference to corporate power, the worm is turning. Somehow, a world on fire, filled with megapastors in megamansions who brief for lethal policies, has finally inspired a global vibe-shift (and not a moment too soon!). One of the most tangible expressions of that shift is the revival of antitrust, which has been in a coma since the Reagan administration.

All over the world – the EU, the UK, Ireland, Australia, and the USA – there are new competition enforcers challenging corporate power in ways that were unthinkable just a few years ago. If I'd written an enforcer like FTC chair Lina Khan in 2010, critics would have slammed me for wish-fulfillment too unrealistic for science fiction.

But today, Khan is taking big swings at corporate power, fighting against a calcified edifice of decades of bad, pro-monopoly precedent. The pro-monopoly press hate her, which is why the WSJ keeps publishing sweaty op-eds insisting that she is wasting her time and that monopolies are good, actually:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/07/14/making-good-trouble/#the-peoples-champion

But she is still out there, fighting for all of us. After a pro-monopoly judge stymied the FTC's bid to block the rotten Microsoft/Activision merger, Khan re-filed, appealing the decision:

https://www.reuters.com/markets/deals/us-ftc-tries-again-stop-microsofts-already-closed-deal-activision-2023-12-06/

Critics insist that she's on a foolish errand, but Khan is tackling the most promising face of a sheer cliff, and the plainly anticompetitive merger between one of the world's largest console makers (a convicted monopolist!) with one of the world's largest games publishers is the right place to start. If she can get her piton into one of the hairline cracks in that face, her arduous climb gains a solid anchor for the next stage of her assent.

Of course, Khan's highest-profile action is her case against Amazon, the omnipresent, dystopian poster-child for enshittification, a platform we can't avoid, but which is so haphazardly policed that the bestselling bitter lemon energy drink you order might be bottled piss harvested from its immiserated drivers:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/10/20/release-energy/#the-bitterest-lemon

In a world of murderous, community-destroying monopolies, Amazon stands out for the sheer number of ways it makes the world worse. Amazon maims its warehouse workers and kills its drivers with impossible quotas. It poisons Black and brown neighborhoods with truck exhaust from its giant depots. It destroys small businesses that sell on its platform. It was part of the studio cabal scheming to destroy actors and writers' livelihoods with unfair contracts and AI. Its audiobook monopoly stole at least $100m from independent authors. It makes goods and services more expensive at every retailer (not just Amazon), and price-gouges on its own storefront:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/11/06/attention-rents/#consumer-welfare-queens

Keeping that scam going requires a lot of skullduggery. A new set of leaked internal Amazon documents shed some light on how that inedible sausage gets made:

https://www.vice.com/en/article/wxjbm9/amazon-brags-it-cultivated-california-mayor-with-donations-in-leaked-policy-document

Amazon's "Community Engagement Plan 2024" brags about buying off small-town mayors and astroturf groups in its bid to resist regulations that would limit warehouse delivery van emissions in communities of color (Amazon calls this "philanthropic work"). Coincidentally, that "philanthropy" targeted Perris, a town where residents voted for a warehouse tax to repair the roads that had been trashed by fleets of Amazon vans.

But the real focus of Amazon's "Community Engagement" is California's AB1000, a bill that will limit the construction of supersized, 100k+ sqft warehouses near daycare centers, schools or rec centers. Secondarily, Amazon is hoping to get California to make it easier to advertise alcohol around kids, to "unlock" California's liquor market.

This kind of shameless, mustache-twirling villainry can only go on so long before it meets resistance. One of the longest-running, hardest fought struggles against corporate malfeasance is the farmers' right ro repair fight against John Deere. Deere boobytraps its tractors so that after a farmer repairs a Deere tractor, they have to wait for days, and pay hundreds of dollars, for a Deere technician to come out to the farm and type an unlock code into the tractor's console:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/05/08/about-those-kill-switched-ukrainian-tractors/

Despite multiple state right-to-repair initiatives and a pending rulemaking from the FTC, Deere is still fucking around. Now, they've found out. US District Court Judge Iain Johnson just handed Deere a scathing, 89-page memo rejecting the company's bid to kill a class action suit brought by its customers:

https://www.reuters.com/legal/litigation/deere-must-face-us-farmers-right-to-repair-lawsuits-judge-rules-2023-11-27/?ref=404media.co

The memo hearkens back to company founder John Deere, "an innovative farmer and blacksmith who—with his own hands—fundamentally changed the agricultural industry":

https://www.404media.co/a-massive-repair-lawsuit-against-john-deere-clears-a-major-hurdle/

Judge Johnson tells Deere's lawyers that the real John Deere "would be deeply disappointed in his namesake corporation," and calls out their lying. You love to see it.

This kind of thing is happening all over the world as policymakers, regulators and lawmakers take aim at corporate power. The Australian government just announced that it would force Apple to open up iOS to alternative browser engines:

https://open-web-advocacy.org/blog/new-digital-competition-laws-for-australia/

This is obscure and technical, but that's why it's so exciting: rather than mumbling broad platitudes about competition and user choice, the Australian Competition and Consumer Commission's regulation targets a critical leverage point where a small change will deliver huge benefits:

https://www.accc.gov.au/media-release/consumers-and-small-businesses-to-benefit-from-proposed-new-regulation-of-digital-platforms

While there are many browsers in Apple's App Store, they're all just reskinned versions of Safari, all running on the same core engine, Webkit. Webkit is ancient, undermaintained and feature-poor. Crucially, Webkit does not implement the parts of the HTML5 standard needed for WebApps, which would allow app developers a safe channel to offer apps that don't go through Apple's App Store monopoly chokepoint:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/12/13/kitbashed/#app-store-tax

Now, there's a big jump between announcing this kind of regulation and enacting it. As Mark Nottingham points out, Australia's had an "in principle" commitment to enact a privacy regulation for two successive governments, with no actual regulation in sight:

https://techpolicy.social/@mnot/111546662237364754

So we can't take these announcements as a sign to declare victory and stand down. The policymakers who announce these proposals deserve our accolades for the announcement and they require our constant vigilance until they make good on their promises.

That's the case in Ireland, where the Coimisiún na Meán has just published a fantastic regulatory proposal for recommendation systems, requiring recommenders to be turned off by default and that recommendations based on "political views, sexuality, religion, ethnicity or health" have to be switched off by default:

https://www.cnam.ie/wp-content/uploads/2023/12/Draft_Online_Safety_Code_Consultation_Document_Final.pdf

It's especially significant that this is coming out of Ireland, a corporate crime haven that has successfully lured the world's tech giants into flying its flag of convenience, with the guarantee of tax evasion and lax regulation:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/05/15/finnegans-snooze/#dirty-old-town

This rule won't enforce itself. It'll require constant vigilance and pressure. There's plenty of ways to do that on a part-time, voluntary basis, but if this kind of thing enflames you enough to make a career out of it, here's a tenure-track job for an infosec professor at Citizen Lab, fearless slayers of high-tech corporate ogres:

https://jobs.utoronto.ca/job/Toronto-Assistant-Professor-Information-Security-ON/576463017/

That's all for this week's linkdump. It's time for me to go hole up in my office and wrap presents. When I do, I'll be tuning into the latest Merry Mixmas MP3 of Christmas mashups from DJ Riko:

http://www.djriko.com/dls/DJ%20Riko%20-%20Merry%20Mixmas%202023.mp3

Riko's Christmas mashups have been part of my holidays for more than two decades now. He's been making them for 22 years! That's a lot of great holiday mashups:

https://www.djriko.com/mixmases.htm

If you'd like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here's a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/12/09/gallimaufry/#marty-hench-rides-again

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boxheadpaint · 5 months ago

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diary post baby. Heavier than usual or at least probably but i dont know or remember a good portion of the things ive ever said about myself on this line. For the normal guys though i had fun making that comic, usually when i get the motivation to make anything in that format i get pretty bummed about it pretty quickly simply because of the paneling

its fun to imagine making dynamic pages of comic panels, but when you have no experience beyond trying to make manga in your teens you mostly just have the squares/rectangles stacked next to eachother. for anyone else this is fine and isnt boring to look at by its nature alone, but for me i always believe that my own work would be too dull and unexciting to eye-catching to even bother reading. trying to just lose that pressure i give myself for a day and make something silly like some animals looking at eachother is nice

one of the things i kept hearing from my own head during the call about The Good News Of Getting Disability Income And Payment For The Time I Wasn't Recieving Benefits, was that i needed to kill myself for some reason. my body reacts badly to experiencing a lot of things, though of course its worst when its negative feelings. not even particularly strong ones, maybe a little nervous or a little mad and it likes to tremble or tense up totally. i dont know why exactly i reacted in this particular way other than the usual "what do you mean i dont need to freak out about this anymore. what am i going to do with all this freaking out juice? just chug it?"

im worried lately that ive built up too much of a tolerance to my sertraline, if thats something that happens. but i dont know for sure, and i dont know what ill do if that is the case. maybe it is still working and i just cant tell because even though its bad things would be much worse if i stopped taking it. it just feels like these days it doesnt do anything to help me feel better or more in control. can i speedrun making it work again by going cold turkey for a week and then getting back on it so my brain is like wow this awfulness stopped after i took this awesome pills.

can i give the money i recieve from social security to someone else to save? is that legal? or do they hunt you down for sport for doing that. what if you wanted to buy a house. or rent a house. Or just fucking live somewhere because these days prices are fucking absurd. ridiculous even.

hey girl, rat piss. hey girl, rat piss. I realize other than the blue puppy video i havent posted anything for pride. partly of anxieties of course, especially given the Great track record of the site withing the past month, but also straight up forgetfulness. I keep forgetting too many things and being too tired to remember. At night though i can do just about anything. I think ill take a nap and then wake up at 2 am to keep drawing. I have things to draw

6/24/2024

#diary

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we-were-so-beautiful · 1 year ago

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2. day six

holy shit hi! it's me! I'm back! I will be very surprised if anybody remembers me or this story given that it's been literally six months since I posted the first chapter. my motivation, interest, energy and amount of free time for this project all fluctuate, but... this story feels like it wants to be told, and I want to tell it. so hopefully I'll manage to pop up around here with an update for it every once in a while.

Content warnings for this chapter: box boy universe, pet whump, dehumanization, cages, blood mention. I'm still getting the hang of how to tag these so please let me know if there's anything I missed.

[masterlist] [chapter one] [chapter three]

Vanessa means to wait until an hour before closing time to go to the shelter. Really, she does. She wants to give this guy as much of a chance as he can get to go home with someone, literally anyone, who’s better for him than she is. But it’s lunchtime and she’s already practically vibrating. She’s not even used to being awake by noon anymore, much less having already been up for hours refreshing the site so often it’s making her nauseous. Or maybe that’s just the all-consuming anxiety of suspense.

What if the assholes at the shelter decide that six days is close enough, and take him away before she even gets there? What if she’s fucked up and counted the days wrong, and he’s actually scheduled to die today? What if the subway’s delayed, or the shelter closes early, and she’s too late, and another person dies because she made a stupid fucking mistake?

What if, says the voice in the back of her head that she refuses to listen to, somebody takes him who’s even worse for him than me?

“Oh, fuck literally all of this,” she says to the empty room, and grabs her coat.

—

“Uh, hey, I’m here to…”

“Sign in on the sheet.” The bored-looking shelter employee doesn’t so much as glance up from her phone. Vanessa looks around; the lobby is totally devoid of anyone save for the two of them.

“I just want to know if—”

“Sign in on the sheet.”

Vanessa breathes out through her nose until her hand stops ticking long enough to write. She scribbles her name and the time, and sets the pen down with a deliberate clack on the desk directly in front of the employee.

The woman barely raises her head. “How can I help you.”

Vanessa steels herself. “Is, uh… Do you still have…” God she hates talking about people like this she hates it she hates it she hates it. “Is pet number 414374 still here? I want to…” She wants to choke on the word. “...I want to adopt him.”

The employee’s affect goes duller than ever. “Oh, he’s still here, alright,” she mutters grimly.

Vanessa only realizes how much tension she’s been holding when it floods out of her so fast she almost loses her balance. “Can I see him?”

“If you really want to,” the employee sighs. “But I’m tellin’ you, lady, you’re not gonna like what you find.”

—

“That’s him?!”

“Told you you were gonna be disappointed, lady.”

Vanessa gapes. It’s not like she’s been expecting to be okay with seeing people in cages, but she sure as shit didn’t expect… whatever the fuck she’s looking at now.

The dude is filthy, caked head to toe in blood, dirt and worse. The hair that flowed around him in his picture is matted down his back now, littered with scores of dead and decaying leaves. His ice-blue eyes are dull and unfocused. His breaths are quick and shallow, and the way they rasp in his throat makes Vanessa twitch.

He’s lying in a heap on the single layer of newspaper between him and the inch-wide mesh of the shelter-standard cage. Vanessa sucks at math, but she thinks it can’t be more than three by three by five. The shelter profile listed him at six foot two.

The employee bangs on the metal with the back of her hand, making a horrible clanging sound that makes Vanessa want to claw her own ears off. “Hey, look alive, refurb. You got one more interested owner. Maybe try to impress this one for a change?”

“Can he even—” Vanessa starts, but the guy surprises her by slowly, painfully lifting his head. The dirt that coats his skin cracks and flakes as he struggles to push himself up on his elbows. He reaches jerkily for the front of the cage, arms trembling violently with the effort, his breathing growing more and more labored as he tries to meet her gaze.

In the split second before he collapses again, she swears he manages it.

—

“I want him.”

The employee has already turned to go, talking over her shoulder as she ambles back toward the desk. “Yeah, so if you're lookin’ for a fancy one you could try the Manhattan shelter, they sometimes—hang on, you what?” She twists back abruptly as the words actually register.

“I want him,” Vanessa says again.

The employee stares at her for a long, long minute. Vanessa can almost see her fighting the urge to blurt out, “why?” Finally, though, she collects herself, with a wildly overexaggerated shrug of her shoulders.

“It’s your money, lady,” she says, and unlocks the cage.

#whump #pet whump #rescue whump #recovery whump #bbu #box boy universe #vanessa + juniper #disaster caretaker #imperfectly consistent #tw dehumanization #tw cages #tw blood mention #I am once again posting this to yeet it out of editing perdition #this chapter was supposed to be slightly longer #but this feels like a better place to stop #and I didn't feel like writing the other shit #so that'll be its own chapter or interlude later #assuming I ever update again lmao (this is legally a joke I very much do want to update again actually)

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swiftsaltsweet · 7 months ago

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The Hunt for Kyoshi: Chapter 1- The Ruse

Characters: Rangi and Kyoshi (plus whoever appears in Rok)

Pairing: Rangshi

Summary:

“What are we going to do?” She asked steely, still not looking up from the ground. She was ready to uphold her duty, or at least, what remained of it. “We need you to capture Kyoshi,” Jianzhu instructed. “Capture?” “Yes, we need to set an example of an Avatar murderer,” Jianzhu responded, oh so matter of factly again.

(Canon Divergent AU- "What if Rangi wasn't there when Kyoshi ran away, and Rangi had to hunt her down?)

Other Sites: AO3 and Fanfic.net

Rangi paced and paced and paced and paced. A groove was forming in the guest room floorboards.

She’d been pacing for an hour. It'd been exactly one hour since she and her mother, Hei-Ran, had landed back in Yokoya; after shadowing her mother at a Fire Navy delegation meeting. Exactly one hour since her mother and Master Jianzhu had shoved her into this guest room, so that they could speak amongst themselves in private.

Exactly one hour since the pit in her stomach was formed.

Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip.

Rangi stopped pacing right in front of the window, unable to take her eyes off a persistent drip that hung off a stray bamboo shoot. Something about it just felt louder than the rest of the storm outside.

It had been over a day since she had last seen Avatar Yu-.... since she had last seen Yun….or Kyoshi. They’d gone on some trip with Master Jianzhu, but despite Jianzhu being here, she'd yet to see her two best friends.

Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip.

Her anxiety started to overflood, and she began pacing again.

I should’ve-I knew I should’ve stayed. She gnawed at the inside of her cheek to the point it started secreting a metallic taste.

Her gut had screamed at her to stay and not go with her mother. But she didn’t listen. She thought the delegation would give her a chance to clear her mind. She didn’t want a repeat of what happened in the infirmary.

She stopped pacing, focusing all her energy in clenching her fists. Stabbing her own palms with her fingernails, hoping to draw blood. She deserved it, she deserved it and worse for what she did back then.

In a fit of fury, she’d lost control. While she was jabbing her finger at Kyoshi, trying to extract answers, she had ended up burning her. She had assaulted the possible Avatar. Her friend. Her…..her Kyoshi.

Rangi started taking sharp breaths, repressing her sobs, trying to keep herself from crumbling on the floor into a weeping mess. Or setting the room on fire. Or both.

She hadn’t been able to control herself then, but she needed to now.

She needed to gather herself, so when she could finally leave this accursed room she could be there for them. For Yun, for Kyoshi. She could get on her hands and knees and apologize for what she did. Hopefully she’d be forgiven.

The door behind her opened.

“Finally, can I leave, I need to talk to Kyo-” Rangi finally finished turning and saw the state of Jianzhu and her mother.

Jianzhu looked like he had battled a mountain, and her mother…. Well, her mother’s eyes looked heavy with regret, a look Rangi knew all too well. She’d seen it many times, in regards to certain familial relations. “Rangi…..”

Rangi instinctively took a step back, trying to brace herself for the bad news that was about to follow. No, she would go on the offensive, even if the offensive meant just running right past the problem. She needed to talk to Kyoshi and Yun before her will faltered anymore.

She attempted to move past her Hei-Ran and Jianzhu.

“Mother, please, let me go talk to Kyoshi and Yun, then you can-”

A strong, motherly hand clasped around Rangi’s bicep. “I’m afraid that will not be possible.”

There was a weight in her voice, as if there was a meteor hammer in her throat. It wrapped around Rangi, and started pulling her down into her own ocean of despair.

Hei-Ran’s face contorted into a pain that Rangi had only seen once before, when she had to break the news to Rangi about her father. Hei-Ran just looked at Rangi, unable to speak. She couldn’t. She didn’t need to. Rangi understood.

“Kelsang is dead,” Jianzhu stated with softness in his voice, breaking the delicate silence the mother and daughter were sharing.

Rangi looked at him, shaking. Her thoughts flitted to Kyoshi, wondering if she was alright, if she’d be able to handle this loss. She’d known how much Kelsang meant to her.

“Avatar Yun is dead.” Jianzhu continued as if reading off the world’s most ghastly checklist, but his voice was more hardened this time. This blow hit Rangi square in the stomach. She fought with gravity to stay up right, every part of her felt like lead. The air thinned, and her vision began to blur.

Jianzhu inhaled, as if preparing to deliver the final blow. “Kyoshi….” Rangi shut her eyes, wishing she could do the same with her ears, bracing for what she knew he’d say. “Killed him.”

Those weren’t the words Rangi expected to hear, but it tore through like an animal all the same. Rangi lost her battle, and fell to the ground.

Rangi was vaguely aware of her mother trying to keep her upright, but it wasn’t long until her forehead collided with the floorboards. She pushed her forehead harder and deeper into the floor, trying to ground herself even though she still felt like she was falling.

Kyoshi….murdered Yun? Rangi reeled. Kyoshi? Her Kyoshi? A murderer? An assassin? No, it didn’t make sense. Kyoshi couldn’t even stand up for herself in the village, let alone kill anyone.

Her vision blurred, and she began to see things that weren’t there. Oh. Right, a mirage. Her breath must be overheating and out of control.

She took sharp breaths and then lifted her head up, ignoring the water dripping from her eyes.

“Him?” She gasped. “Not them?”

Jianzhu’s jaw flexed, “Yes. Kyoshi only killed Yun.”

“Bu-....but what about Master Kelsang?”

Jianzhu looked away, pained. “He…was in cahoots with Kyoshi. He died by my hand in the crossfire, while I was trying to save Yun.”

Rangi ran a shaky hand through her hair, hyperventilating. “Th-this doesn’t make any sense. I mean, it’s Kyoshi. She can’t even protect herself from her bullies! She can’t even bend a pebble! She-”

“Rangi!” Hei-Ran yelled, grabbing her daughter’s shoulders, shaking her. “Rangi! It was a ruse! A ruse!”

Rangi’s eyes were swimming, she couldn’t look at her mother despite her being right in front of her face.

A ruse? But- Rangi put her face in her hands, drawing shaky breaths. Memories of all the time they spent together flooded her mind. And then slowly distorted, mangled beyond repair. Their laughter, their tender moments, were now all ravaged and desecrated. All that was a lie?!

In her despair, Rangi saw a light. One last bastion of hope, and she greedily grabbed it.

“Bu-but Master Kelsang, he was a monk!” She yelled at the adults. “How could he plan something like this? To murder the Avatar. To…. To….” None of it made sense. It went against everything that the Air Nation stood for.

“Rangi,” Jianzhu’s voice was very even and matter of fact. “He’s been disgraced by his own people.”

Rangi tensed up, she’d remembered what Takaga said back on the iceberg. She was more concerned with how…..Kyoshi would react to hearing about her mother’s own sordid past. But she remembered the accusations of devastation and death that Kelsang also brought about. And how much he lost favor with his own people.

It didn’t paint him in a credible image.

“To be honest,” Jianzhu continued, “this isn’t the first time I’ve heard an Air Nomad has gone rogue, or committed acts unbefitting of the Air Nation. I mean, it’s not often this happens. But there’s precedent. Some people just aren’t very good monks.”

Rangi didn’t want to let that last bit of light go, she was going to fight her reality to the bitter end. “But why?! What was their reason?!”

“Chaos!” Jianzhu yelled, causing Rangi to flinch. “They wanted to descend the world into chaos! To stall the Avatar from being able to perform their duties! Is that not reason enough for these madmen?!”

Jianzhu put his hand out, more like a metaphorical life line than to actually help Rangi stand up. “Rangi, they’ve attacked our honor! Everyone’s honor! Their livelihood! They care only about their own personal gain! Nothing about the long term nor benefit for the greater good!”

Rangi felt the weight of Jianzhu’s words crushing her resolve piece by piece, and trying to coax her honor out for strength.

Rangi looked at her mother for confirmation, a childish hope in her eyes. “Is it true?”

Hei-Ran closed her eyes and looked away, but the pain was evident on her face. “I’m sorry, Rangi. I’m so sorry.”

Rangi looked at the floor, defeated. So what they had been saying was true. Everything she knew was a lie. Everything she and Avatar Yun had known was a lie. An assassin had snuck into the house, under her own nose, and destroyed her purpose. Everything she’d known and held dear.

She curled her fists, this time hard enough droplets of blood spilled from the cracks, and stood up.

“What are we going to do?” She asked steely, still not looking up from the ground. She was ready to uphold her duty, or at least, what remained of it.

“We need you to capture Kyoshi,” Jianzhu instructed.

“Capture?”

“Yes, we need to set an example of an Avatar murder,” Jianzhu responded, oh so matter of factly again.

I suppose that makes sense. Rangi thought. It also eased a big burden off her mind. Even she wasn’t sure if she’d be able to kill someone she once called a friend.

“You’re mother mentioned you’re an expert in escape and evasion,” Jianzhu began to pace around Rangi, sizing her up. “I’m hoping that’ll come in handy, when you track Kyoshi down.”

He clasped his hand on her shoulder, “She has Kelsang’s bison, it’d be best if you move out soon. We’ll send shirshus to aid you if this takes too long.” And then he left, leaving the mother and daughter to their own devices.

“Rangi….” Hei-Ran reached out to her daughter, to comfort her. Rangi backed away before she could, and finally picked her head up.

Hei-Ran flinched away when she saw Rangi’s face. Rangi wasn’t sure what expression she was making, the only thing she could feel was the tears drying on her face. There were no more tears left to cry.

“I need to get ready, I’m late for my mission.” Rangi turned and stormed out of the room, not wasting time to see her mother’s reaction.

Rangi took off like a spirit in flight to her room and grabbed a rucksack. She put two change of clothes, and money inside. The whole process took less than a minute. Her next order of business was Kyoshi’s room.

As she trudged through the once familiar hallways she could hear the staff's whispers. Rangi took her time, hoping to get whatever information she needed. She heard things like “rampaging axe-wielding teenager” and “deranged.” Bile rose in Rangi’s mouth as the picture of this new Kyoshi became more clear. She finally found the small crevice that Kyoshi would call a room, and walked through it.

It looked like it had been picked clean, the only thing left behind was a stray shoe, a gold-dye tassel, a few beads, and a coin. Rangi picked up the shoe and threw it into her rucksack. Then after a small deliberation, she grabbed the tassel.

She rolled it in her hand, looking at it from every angle, and then curled her fingers around it. She closed her eyes, focusing on not burning the item, but also trying to stave off the once sweet memory it conjured up for her. She threw it into the rut sack along with the shoe.

Her next order of business was following the rumors the servants were spinning, the chest. She’d noticed that Kyoshi’s chest was no longer in her room, and made her way to where it may have been moved to. But when she arrived, she realized two things. One, the rain had stopped, and two, the chest was empty and promptly left.

The last order of business, before gathering the prepackaged supplies and an ostrich horse, was to see if she could find something of Kelsang’s flying bison, Pengpeng. If she was going to have shirshus help her, having Pengpeng’s scent along with Kyoshi’s would be helpful. The more options the better.

She found a mass where it had rested, the animal’s giant footprints stamped into the ground, along with stray tufts of wet hair. Rangi picked up the mass and was about to head to the stables, when her foot hit something.

On the ground was a leather bound book and recognition dawned inside Rangi, she’d seen this book in Kyoshi’s possession in the past. It was something she’d usually hide away and would not let anyone see.

Rangi bent down and picked up the tomb, and unfurled it with shaking hands.

As she read the contents, her nails carved at the leather bindings, trying and failing to stop the feral scream that broke from her lips.

______________________

A/N: Gonna be honest, enemies to lovers? Not really my wheelhouse so we’re gonna see how this goes. TT0TT I just really wanted to explore the “what if Rangi actually had to chase Kyoshi down.”

#rangshi #kyoshi #rangi #rangi sei'naka #lol almost posted this on my main no can't have anyone know I write fanfiction rarely TT0TT #what if #canon divergence #rise of kyoshi #i saw the line on my reread of heiran being like “come fetch my daughter she'll get her' and was like 'ok but angst” kjlfdsajfja #will update when.........we'll figure it out (i literally just wrote this an hour ago TT0TT) we are pantsing this story

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handoverthekawaii · 1 year ago

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We Go Together | Homelander x You | Chapter 19

Taglist: @hom3landr @theaudacitytowrite @lover1307

Translucent is in the middle of a sentence when John jumps to his feet, his hands clenched into fists and his eyes glowing red. The members of The Seven know that their leader can be short-tempered from time to time, but this goes far beyond a harsh word or an angry outburst. The level of all-consuming fury that John is projecting is literally off the charts.

“I didn’t think my idea was THAT stupid,” Translucent mumbles to himself before Queen Maeve raises a hand to silence him.

“Homelander,” she says. “What is it?”

John turns to look at Maeve at the sound of his name. For a moment he’s too overcome to speak, his mouth opening and closing as his expression changes from enraged to vulnerable to terrified. He turns away from the table towards the window — maybe if John’s teammates can’t see his face, they won’t realize how close he is to spiraling out of control.

“It’s Y/N L/N,” he replies at last. “…Vought took her away, and now Jonah Vogelbaum has her.”

There, he said it — and already the grim reality of the situation begins to set in. Vought has multiple black sites on the East Coast of the U.S. alone and, for all he knows, they could be moving you right now to North Africa or Southeast Asia. Tracking you down will be like finding a needle in a haystack, but when he does — because he WILL, John isn’t going to rest until he finds you — who knows what Vought will have done to you?

You might be hurt, traumatized, a shell of your former self. Or worse — maybe Vought will do what Homelander couldn’t, and innovate a unique and sadistic way to take your life.

And it will all be John’s fault, for loving you so much that he allowed you to endanger yourself just by being near him. If any harm comes to you, it will be the ultimate sin, a burden John will carry for the rest of his mortal life and into eternity.

No — It will be Vought’s fault, John thinks to himself, baring his teeth as his self-loathing morphs back into explosive rage. He resolves to himself:

If any harm comes to Y/N, I will burn this company to the fucking ground.

John is so intensely dissociating that he hardly realizes what is happening around him until a hand makes contact with his shoulder. How long has he been standing at the head of the table like this? He has no idea, but he glances over to see Queen Maeve now standing alongside him.

“Let’s find her,” she says. Maeve doesn’t understand the significance of Y/N being held by Jonah Vogelbaum, of course — she knows nothing about Compound V or the past experiments John endured — but, to her, the details don’t matter.

John cares about Y/N, and Vought is trying to keep them apart. But The Seven are Maeve’s chosen family, and she won’t stand for anyone messing with her family’s happiness. However, in spite of her good intentions (and perhaps because he’s amped on adrenaline), John’s initial reaction is to forcefully brush away her hand.

“Get the fuck out of my way,” he orders, his voice low and menacing. “I can get Madelyn talking without any of your help.”

“Don’t waste your time with Madelyn,” another voice calls out. Both John and Maeve look over at the speaker, who turns out to be Lamplighter.

“Vogelbaum lives nearby, so the list of places he could take your girl QUICKLY is pretty goddamn short,” the pyrokinetic Supe continues. “So don’t tip Vought off about anything you know — just go get her back already.”

“Lamplighter’s right,” Maeve says, “but you shouldn’t go alone. Take me with you.”

Rushing fills John’s ears and his mind is a cacophony of emotions and anxieties, so it takes him a minute to register what Maeve said. The jaded, cynical part of him can hardly believe it — she wants to help? Not just her, either — Lamplighter gives enough of a shit that he’s helping John strategize?

John felt alone his whole life until he met you… but maybe, even before that, he wasn’t as alone as he always thought. There’s no time to dwell on this revelation now, though, so John merely cocks his head at Maeve and asks, “You want to come?” [continued on AO3]

#ao3 writer #fanfic #homelander x y/n #the homelander #homelander #homelander the boys #homelander x you #homelander x reader #the boys fanfic #the boys #the boys tv #the boys amazon

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autistic-earth-genasi · 1 year ago

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Okay update on the therapy situation. I emailed my psychiatrist at Kaiser like the therapist recommended and he responded super fast and said he’d already sent a referral which is awesome. However, I got the follow up info today and apparently the referral is for an online therapy thing called Path Mental Health. It’s basically an online portal where you can search for a therapist which is fine but unfortunately it’s only for in network therapists and so the therapist I want isn’t on it. I do plan to give it a decent try and look through the therapists on there but a cursory look told me there are very few or none that specialize in autism and lgbtq issues which are two of the main things I want. Also the therapist I found is overall a much better match than anyone I’ve seen on Path so far. I might be willing to try someone else but it is only online sessions, no in person and I’ve done therapy on zoom before and I hated it. I don’t feel as much of a connection with the therapist and I find it really distracting to be able to see myself on camera.

So basically I’m starting to formulate how I’m going to push back. Like I said I will give it a serious try over the weekend when I’ve hopefully calmed down (I almost had a meltdown when I got the email and saw everything). But I know there is a good chance I won’t find anyone (after literal months of searching different therapy sites I found my list of maybe 4 therapists I was interested in contacting so chances are slim) so I need to figure out my arguments for why they should cover the specific therapist I found instead of any of the ones on that site. I know this is a thing they do because at my consultation, the therapist said one of his other patients was able to get them to cover it, you just have to fight. So far here’s what I have:

They only offer online services which I’ve tried before and found it difficult to really connect with a therapist. Also I don’t have the best internet connection and I live with a roommate so I am not guaranteed to have a private place to have my sessions (the last part is not entirely true bc I have my own room but I do have to be careful how loud I talk bc she can hear me and also past experiences have taught me that people are very afraid of confidentiality laws).

I cannot find someone who specializes in autism, anxiety, trauma, lgbtq+ issues, and family issues who matches my availability (it sucks a little bit because I have not talked to the psychiatrist or anyone at Kaiser about autism and I’m really not looking forward to it but needing specialized care is one of the strongest arguments I have).

Also if they push back would it be a bad idea to 1. Say I’ve already had a consultation with this therapist and 2. Say that he told me he has another patient that got Kaiser to cover therapy with him (in the case that they say they can’t cover it/there’s nothing they can do bc I know that’s bullshit)? Or would that make things worse?

Any suggestions or tips are appreciated! I really need this to work!

#if I can get them to cover this I will be able to get an autism diagnosis and ongoing therapy for free #so I need this to happen #I’m a bit concerned that if I tell the psychiatrist I think I have autism he’ll say I need to get a diagnosis through Kaiser first #which isn’t the end of the world as long as it’s covered and I think it will be #but I’d rather my therapist do it #he’s a psychiatrist who does therapy btw so he is qualified to diagnose me #it’s so fucked up that this is what you have to go through to get specialized care #like let’s make the most mentally ill people do the most work #I want to burn the entire health system to the ground #autism #mental health #actually autistic #neurodivergent #therapy #autistic #autism diagnosis

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pocket-size-cthulhu · 1 year ago

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The Internet is getting worse every day and i hate it. I'd rather go out and have friendships with people in real life. With people i can see and hug and eat with.

But spaces to do that are dwindling and people i can enjoy spending time around often prefer to spend time together online.

If i didn't have to work so much (40hrs/week is a lot!) for my living, I'd build and maintain social sites for fun. I think it would be cool and also it would feel good to facilitate a nice space for people. I feel like there are plenty of nerds who feel the same.

But i do have to work so much, which means if I'm putting my brain to work i want to be paid for it because the amount i can output ever week is limited and after 40 hours I'm almost completely spent. And i have a family and friends and hobbies and stuff i also want to give attention and energy to.

I wish we didn't have to work so much. Maybe if i didn't work so much I'd have more energy to bear the anxiety i experience when i go into social situations (and the more i bear that anxiety the less intense it becomes, so i can do it more). If i didn't work so much maybe i wouldn't feel like my life is nearly spent when I'm not even 30 yet. Maybe i could have meaningful connections, do normal 20s things, develop skills and have hobbies. Maybe i could overcome my fears and hangups. Maybe i could learn to do some good in my community, put down roots and learn from people who are older than me who have lived fulfilled lives. Maybe i could lend more of my time to helping my neighbors.

I really want to be involved. I believe in strong communities, i believe that fulfillment can come in any and every stage of life, i believe in doing things that are nice for the sake of it, i believe that given the opportunity people would build beautiful and useful things for free. But we don't have time or energy for any of that. Because we're working.

And what can you do about that? Some people at my work have pushed for a 4-day workweek but execs aren't willing to consider it - and why?? It would literally be better for everyone. Everyone in the department i left just over a year ago is burned all the way out. What right does work have to ruin your mental health? Why do people find grind culture so alluring?

The other day someone at my work got recognized for excellence in their role. Someone praised them for working even while they were sick, to the point that they were on a call and muting themselves to throw up, then unmuting to continue the call. That's not typical at my workplace at all, nor is it expected thank goodness, but the fact that they were even praising that disgusted me. They should have ordered her to get offline and go throw up in peace until she felt better. How can you see that as anything but dystopic? Someone's putting work above her literal health and that's not ok at all.

Exponential growth is just so unnatural. Like it's cool if you have a big market and you grow a lot for a while. But why do you need to be growing year over year? Is it not enough to maintain? People talk about plateauing like it's a bad thing, but if you've got a good thing going, really genuinely why do you have to look for ways to Make More Money With It? Can't you find fulfillment in the fact that you've provided a service people like and are using?

Like if you were the CEO of Twitter, that would suck for a lot of reasons, but it would also be nice knowing you provided a platform where lots of people learn new perspectives, get news quickly and form communities that sometimes even go on to become real life friends. That's super cool. Why is business always about profit and never about people primarily?

It's Friday. It's been a long week. Instagram just showed me ads between someone's posts that i was scrolling through - they've never done that before. I'm just tired of it all. The counterfeit world in my pocket makes it harder to go engage with the actual world outside my own 4 walls. Ugh.

#ramble #long post #capitalism sucks #capitalism #tw vomit

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ahmementos · 2 years ago

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Hazards of The Job

I'm not sure if I'll manage all the prompts as real life kinda went wild, but I'll still write some for the rest of the month on a pick and choose basis.

Febuwhump Day 11 : Fever

Happy Ending On Ao3

You didn’t just have a fever, not in Leon’s line of work. It was worse than a typical person googling their symptoms on WebMD. You had to figure out when the last time you had a dangerous mission was. You had to double and triple check your body for cuts or abrasions that looked infected in the worst way possible the doctors might have missed. If you had a fever, you had to report it to work so their doctors could run a multitude of tests.

When you already had a prior infection inside you, it sent you down a never ending spiral of dread and anxiety. Your mind plays tricks on you. You start to remember every pain you had when infected. You cross reference the aches and pains you currently have with the ones you had over a decade ago that were as fresh as remembering what you did or didn’t have for breakfast.

When you hear the front door to the apartment open up, you dread giving Chris that key. “It’s a fever,” Leon groaned, too weak to do much else from his position on the bed. “Get the fuck out.”

“You have been at a desk doing paperwork for a week and before that it was training at the on-site range.” Chris brought in two bags of food that contained what looked to be soup containers. “It is probably the flu that’s going around at work.”

“Got my flu shot,” Leon mumbled against his pillow.

“And we both know that shit doesn’t always stop it from happening.” Chris grabbed the thermometer from the nightstand. “Open up.”

Leon didn’t fight the order.

“Don’t let that fall,” Chris added as he pulled out what was very clearly soup from one of the bags. “If you turn into a zombie, I’ll shoot you, okay?”

Leon rolled his eyes; obviously taking his temperature was a tactic to shut him up, not that he had the energy to really sass him back anyway.

The electronic beep told Chris the temp was taken and he pulled the thermometer away and stared at the numbers. “What was it earlier?”

“102.”

Chris nodded. “It’s 100.9 now. Our lines of infection to worry about run upwards to 104.” He sat down on the bed and smoothed his hand against Leon’s warm skin. “Unfortunately for you and your death wish, you just might live.”

“Fuck you,” he mumbled but allowed Chris to help him sit up against pillows. “I feel like shit.”

“It’s a pretty bad flu this year.” He dipped the spoon into the container and moved the soup closer to Leon’s mouth. “You have to eat.”

Leon stared at the soup and the moving contents slithering in and out of the broth. “It’s moving.” He looked up at the drooling monstrosity that was definitely not Chris and was too weak to move. “Jesus fucking Christ…”

“Leon, wake up!”

The feeling of Chris’ hands on his shoulders jolted him back to consciousness. “Fuck,” was all he could get out before he had to lean away from Chris and vomit. Black liquid splashed against the broken cement he’d been sitting down on. It may have been blood but the darkness of the abandoned sewer entrance made it all seem black. Knowing his luck, it was black, which meant the infection had progressed to a dangerous point.

“Are you still you?” Chris gestured to his side at the soldier who had a gun trained on Leon’s forehead to make him stand down.

“Just kill me.” It was jarring to be in one place then suddenly meet the glaring reminder that you were actually infected while on duty and waiting on an antivirus that might not even work. They’d vacated the lab and found a sewer tunnel entrance just beyond the facility to keep Leon secure while a cure was located.

Second time in a row, too, and Leon wasn’t sure his luck was going to hold for a second miracle. Did he want to die? No, but he also didn’t want to become the job, either.

The soldier lowered the weapon. “Yeah, that’s Kennedy.”

Chris might have growled under his breath before he started removing enough of Leon’s jacket to have access to his shoulder. “I told you,” he said softly. “You aren’t dying today, damn it.”

Leon was sure he looked amazing, black liquid already drying against his lips and his hair plastered from sweat against his forehead. “I was looking forward to it.” He didn’t wince when the injection burned through his body; the fever cooking him from the inside out decided the antivirus just felt like a slight tickle.

“Now we wait.” Chris gestured for the soldier to guard outside the perimeter. “I told you if it doesn’t work, I’ll handle it. Go guard the entrance.”

“Yes sir.”

Leon didn’t watch the soldier leave but the heavy boots signaled his departure. Gravel shuffled in cadence with footfalls retreating outside the broken down sewer entrance they’d bunkered down in. It left the suffocating presence of Chris Redfield’s overwhelming guilt and possible looming loss. “I’m sorry.”

“Shut up, Leon.” Chris had his handgun out but his other hand was holding Leon’s. “You’re going to be fine.”

“I don’t want to be another loss you shut down over.” Leon couldn’t bring himself to look at him. He couldn’t stand to see those puppy dog eyes. He didn’t want to recognize that impending dread lining Chris’ face. “I can do it myself.”

“No one is doing anything right now.” Chris didn’t outright sound defeated, but he sounded uncharacteristically quiet.

Leon’s fingers attempted to grip Chris’ hand tighter but he could only manage a light squeeze. “This isn’t your fault, Chris.”

They both knew he was going to blame himself, regardless of the outcome.

“Just put a barricade up and go finish the mission.” Leon tried to sit up and fell against the bricks for his efforts. “I’ll either be recovering when you get done or I’ll need to be put down when you get back.”

“Mission is being handled.” Chris tried to reach out and help him sit up but Leon shook his head.

“Without the commanding officer.” Leon swallowed down bile; he refused to vomit a second time with Chris sitting there.

Chris nodded. “They can handle it.”

“You can’t handle this though.” Leon managed to turn his head and finally looked at Chris. “I don’t know if I can handle having to look you in the eyes if you have to put me down.”

“I can’t handle leaving you here, worrying out there if you are even going to be you when I get back.”

Leon forced his other hand to rest on top of Chris’. “You’re an idiot.”

Chris almost seemed to relax at the insult. “I love you, too, asshole.”

#chreon #Chris Redfield #Leon Kennedy #Resident Evil #Febuwhump #FebuwhumpDay11

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vahnikana · 5 days ago

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360-Degree Day.

Last Wednesday, I had a bad day at work. I should have just taken a day off the next day to lick my wounds, but instead, I decided--drastically and impulsively--that maybe I should just go back to full-time work. In an office. At that point, when everything was bearing down on me, I just decided that neither WFH nor content writing was working for me any longer. Let me tell you, it takes one toxic boss to push you into making weird, uncharacteristic, 180-degree swing decisions. Just one toxic boss.

So, I called back a recruiter who had contacted me about a full-time, on-site role and fixed an interview for the same day. It seemed like everything was spinning too fast and I was aware that I still had to be at work, but I was frustrated, demoralized, and teetered on the edge of self-destructive madness. So I got a printout of my CV ( I had forgotten what that looked like cos we are so used to uploading our CVs) and started from home.

It was a lovely day and the prospect of maybe working from an office made me feel happy. On the bus ride, I thought: finally, I might be able to wear my formal clothes and make-up. Plus, I had just been to H&M over the weekend and they had an absolutely divine office wear collection--silk shirts, cropped jackets, straight-cut trousers, and pleated skirts. I practically salivated over them. I thought, maybe now, if things went fine, I might get a chance to wear them instead of the shorts and tees that I wore every day, dressing sloppily and for comfort. If I worked in an office, H&M's office collection would be in my wardrobe. Hey, I am just like every other woman like that.

The office is in a place called Saki Naka. A person from Bombay may experience a sharp stab of anxiety on hearing the name, because the place is…literally…the worst place in the city. I used to work one stop before Saki Naka, in an area called Marol. The difference is only in the names because everything on that route is a congested-traffic mess. I mean we had people from my office who had resigned due to the location. I should have been shaking with fear at the thought of working at Saki Naka but as I said, self-destructive mood.

I reached the office fine. The two rounds of interviews went fine. Then the interviewer asked me about the commute. I told her--pretty happily--that there was an AC bus from my doorstep that dropped me close to the office location. She looked wary and said: yes, but it is far and you will spend 2+2 hours daily in commute…how will you handle it? I didn't quite get the line of question, so I simply said: yes but I will be taking an AC bus, so I should be fine. She continued, saying: maybe you could take a metro to the station and then take a train to your place, it would be a bit faster. Well, there was no fucking way in hell I was going to do that, so I just said: I think the bus will work fine. She looked a bit worried as she stared at me. I think she was wondering what to make of...this. I sensed she needed reassurance, so I said: I have worked at Marol in the past, so I am aware of the traffic here. She just smiled beatifically like some HR Madonna and said: well if it was bad at that time, now it's even worse.

I thought it was a strange conversation.

After my interview, I got out and walked back to the main road to get a bus. The road--the same one that had been empty and peaceful when I had come in for the interview--was by now like the road to hell. Buses, cars, autos, bikes in a tangled, slow-moving mess. Cars and buses honking like amateurs giving a cacophonous performance. People everywhere, waiting for buses, eating, talking on phones. It's getting to winter now, so the sun was gone, and it was all dark, congested, noisy, and very far from home. For a minute, I panicked! What if I got stuck here and could never get out. The interviewer's weary face flashed before my eyes. I kept walking in the general direction of the office I once worked in because at least from there, I knew what to do. There were office-goers everywhere. Not dressed in H&M. Tired. And I knew from experience that they, like me, were a long commute away from home.

It was all pretty dreary.

After asking around, I finally found a bus that would take me to a place from where I could get a bus to my area. I climbed in and started making my way home. I reached at 10.30 at night. I was hungry. The formal clothes--and the shapers inside--were deeply uncomfortable. The shoes (which were not my usual Birkenstocks or breezy slip-ons) cut into my skin. I had a migraine. I was thirsty. My bladder was full. I was exhausted. And when an auto driver leaned out of his auto and asked me something I said: fuck off. This, is how each day would be for me commuting to and from that special-kind-of-hell location.

I picked a shawarma, met my sister and nieces and then quietly went home, cured of all my madness and wayward ambitions. The whole experience made me appreciate what I have been given. Those 8 hours saved me. Sometimes you need to step onto that green grass on the other side to be able to see the rosebushes in your front yard. Pretty sure someone said that.

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sincelastsession · 4 months ago

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Goodbye for now Joshua.

What happened today was not ok.

I thought that the LPC was there to observe.

I believe you have mentioned before we may not be a good fit.

I do not feel understood and I'm myself having problems communicating with you.

I'm going to give you feedback one last feedback unless you will take me back as a patient later on after I get my second opinion.

I do not feel that you were informed enough about high-functioning female autistics.

I do feel that you have me penned for something that I am not

I do feel that you think that I am making excuses for my behavior and not taking accountability.

I am not making excuses for my behavior I am telling you the cause of the behavior and then I'm telling you that I'm telling you that I want to work on that however I am not understanding how you're trying to get me to work on that.

Mentioning a talking stick several times during session was fucking rude.

Do you have any idea about my trauma that involves a talking stick.

Because we have not discussed all of my traumas or the things that trigger me.

I have only been able to tell you a small portion of things that I was hoping to get to with EMDR therapy.

I have not been hyper verbal or the way that I am my entire life. In the past 6 years something has made that worse and I do not know what it is I do not know if it is neurological or if it is trauma related in a reaction that I have been having I do not know I have no answers for you about that I only have educated guesses based on my own past history in my knowledge of myself

It is very hard for me to calm down and compose myself when I have 2 people coming at me or what I feelLooks like and feels like an interrogation. I feel that both of you need to reflect on how you came across to me

I did tell you that I had not taken my anxiety medicine and I might be a little snippy but I had not taken it because I wanted to go ahead and take the testing and Answer those questions for you to go over without my anxiety medication in my system so we could see a more clear view that maybe the medicine would have blocked or maybe I'm wrong and I should have taken it and I should have taken the testing but there was a clear misunderstanding of what was going to be happening today and I was not ready for it

And if you understand autistic people then you would understand that if they are not ready to work on something or if there's a sudden change in a schedule we have issues that we have to work out in our minds to adjust to the new situation when we were prepared for another situation

I don't think you understand

I think you have me pinned for something else that I am not experiencing.

I don't know how to phrase that better and I'm trying to think of a better way to phrase it because I have communication issues with you and your LPCI did not have communication issues with other therapists.

I had quite a few wonderful therapists before you and I was just out of their realm of practice because they did not do intense trauma and PTSD therapy

I was doing well until my nightmare neighbors moved in and started to harass me

The only thing that I have done in the beginning was to ask her to have her children not play in front of my apartment and they were not even Her children they were other people's kids that She is watching every single day

I sent you that email for therapeutic purposes so you could see how they were acting towards me when I put a camera up when they did not think that I could hear nor see them

I have not been awful to these people

I have called the police when the courtesy officer has told me to do so when he was not on-site and he did not agree with the behavior at the time and so I did what I was instructed to do by him by the office by the upper management

That is in the email that I sent I believe and if I left it out I guess I made a mistake

I did not mean to make you uncomfortable or cross a boundary of any form and I did not really think it was boundary crossing because my psychiatrist wanted to know what was going on as well

He is keeping documentation in case I need to Sue patrician management. Because my mental health has gotten worse because of these people terrorizing me. I am not doing anything to them I am walking to and from my apartment we're going outside to water my plants.

I don't think you or your LPC quite understand the situation here and yes I am going to be moving away from this hell.

I don't think she understood nor was informed that I could not immediately Move out

The way that I was spoken to I took it as a very threatening way because of the tone of voice the body language and things that you guys didn't even notice that you did

I was not trying to be insulting asking you about your experience with autistic patients. I was suggesting that you take some sort of courses on it and some possible sensitivity training which I wanted to add to that because I do not think that you are coming off sensitive enough with me and I don't know your other patientsSo I can't speak for them. But for me the sensitivity was lackand that just may be how you are and I don't hate you for it and I don't hate you for today but I am pissed off I do feel that it was some unprofessional things that occurred

Leaving me to cry in your office without sitting down and speaking to me and helping me calm down was awful

You did not check to release see if I was going to be okay

You just wanted me out for your next patient even though you took me in 10 minutes late

I have a very difficult time holding my thought and I do not interrupt people to be rude

I understand that it's very difficult to talk to me and I have to live with my own issues and it is hell for me

I think baby I made a mistake choosing a male therapist who doesn't seem to understand me or my female point of view Or the struggles that I have been through

I am a very reactive person I have been through hell I am in a flare of many of my disorders and no it's not an excuse it's true facts

So if you want to say symptoms are not it really doesn't matter

What matters is I'm having problems I informed you of that you disregarded that and invalidated me by telling me that I was making excuses when I was trying to tell you that is a reason that it is occurring I didn't say that I'm not accountable for things

I'm mentally take accountability for everything I do I know that every action has a reaction

Telling me the same thing over and over again every single session is not helping you can't beat it into my head when I already understand

I really don't think that both of you realized how you came across to me or how you could have been perceived by me even though I tried to explain and you both could have changed your demeanor calm down or taken a pause and re-evaluated the situation and that did not happen

Now I've been in therapy for 25 years I do not understand why the LPC had to mention how long she had been a therapissed what was the point of that

Were we trying to play a game about who knows More about what because I Don't claim to Know More than either of you though I probably do Know More on some subjects I don't care if that is insulting I am speaking my truth. And you have told me yourself that I know a hell of a lot more than a lot of therapists you know you said that to me in one of my first sessions.

And I'm not trying to be an ass about that either so I hope you're not reading this wrong if you even read this at all since you skim everything I write and then you seem to cherry pick things out of it instead of like looking at the big picture and I understand I write a lot and I speak a lot but if you understood that people with hyperverbal AD HD have problems communicating Then why is this like the main focus right now I have much more pressing matters that do not involve the way I speak to work on

The way I speak has been under fire my whole life the way I have done everything has been under fire my whole life I am not on this Earth to please everyone

And I'm sorry if you have problems working with me because I am that way

If I could magically fix it I would but I keep telling you that I cannot fucking control it and I can shut up when you want me to shut up but it's not going to last for long because the compulsions come forward and I can't hold it in and it's painful and I don't think you understand because you don't experience that

It hurts to not be understood

It hurts to not know the right words to say and then have your therapist and a guest jump to conclusions and put you on the spot when you didn't even walk into therapy today thinking that this was going to happen or being prepared for it As an autistic person in autistic people in general that I know we need to be prepared for what we're going into because many of us don't like surprises

I agreed to it because I thought I had a level of trust with you

I have spoken to my mother about this session that we had and she is not upset with me she understands what she did was wrong she talked to me about that

And I didn't tell her to come to that conclusion

I spoke to her before we had that session and I asked her what would we be talking about in session because I did not want to get an argument with her and she listed off the things that she wanted to talk about and she left that out

So yes I was very reactive to her complaint

And no it wasn't correct

However I did in fact leave her alone about it as per request

So I did take accountability for that

As for my neighbors I am not going to stop calling noise complaints when it's noisy I am not going to quit following the rules of the complex and quit listening to what the office and the courtesy officer tells me to do. The Times I have called the police The Times I have called the courtesy officer The Times I have gone up and spoken to the office all of this has been occurring since they moved in and they have been nothing but nasty to me and other residents here in so the office wanted evidence of this

And I provided some of the evidence for it and I made a report about child abuse

That email got sent to you and I already explained that and I apologize if that was very upsetting for you cause I did not think that it would be boundary crossing. I was sending it so you could look at it and go oh this is why she's so upset because this is how the people talked about her and they talk about me to my face like that as well

I do not look them in the face I do not respond to any of this behavior I walk to my apartment I open my door and I go and try to just not do anything about it until it's driving me fucking crazy because I can't get any sort of artwork done or get anything cleaned I can't concentrate because it really is that loud and I have lived here for 5 years and I have not had an issue with any other tenants who have also been people of color And I don't understand why me saying people of color was such a big deal.

I was just trying to give a descriptor for the demographic in which I live around and that is not a big deal to me if it was a bunch of white people I would have said it was a bunch of white people I was trying to be politically correct

And I'm sure that like most people I have a little bit of racism because we all have micro aggressions but in this case it has nothing to do with race in my opinion

And I was worried that you guys would take it that way and it seems like you guys did unless I'm misunderstanding

I am not a hateful person

I am an angry person

I am a person that likes to follow the rules and has a strong sense of Justice

I do need to work on a lot of things and I'm gonna go see someone else and talk to them and see what they think and get a second opinion for a little while

I really do think that your thoughts on me and you're understanding of me is just not right

It is very triggering that all we seem to be doing is focusing on how I speak and come across to people when I have already confirmed that I'm not trying to come across that way and that is just how I speak and I don't really have much control over it no matter what diagnosis or symptoms I am having problems with that

And oftentimes when we are in session and you are explaining something to me I already understand what you're trying to say within the first sentence now I'm not trying to future predict everything you're saying I'm trying to sit there and listen to All of It but pretty much 9 times out of 10 I already understand

So I don't know why it keeps getting brought up

Because if I wanted somebody to criticize me for the way I speak instead of Bein patient with me in understanding and compassionate and caringThen I would go talk to my abusive father that has a problem with everything I do and say

If I wanted to be bitched out about how I speak I would just call my father and try to talk to him until he hung up on me after cursing me out and telling me that I'm a stupid shit and that I never shut up and that I should just shut the fuck up and that I'm interrupting him when he's interrupting me and you know I do give people pause is for them to speak but they're not recognizing that I guess I'm not waiting long enough in between pauses

But I suppose that doesn't matter right now because I'm gonna go see another DR therapist and see if she is a better fit for me if she can work with me in a better way

So I will be taking a break and this is goodbye for a little while and I am pissed because this was not okay how everything went today I don't know if you guys are reflecting on your behavior I'm reflecting on mine though

You know the therapist is also responsible for their actions and what they say to their patients and I hope that you remember that

It ISO k if you don't care that I'm upset but most therapists do like to reflect on what they have said to upset their patients

And usually that's gone over to smooth things over and get on the same page and I don't feel that we have been on the same page for some time now

I feel like bringing my parents in and you getting a very short time view of them acting on their very best behavior was probably a huge fucking mistake of mine

I did come in to do goal oriented therapy but I also came in to actually just have talk therapy as well

No I was used to the type of therapy my last EMDR therapist who was female did with me it doesn't seem like you do your therapy in a way that I am responsive to

So I'm thinking that it may not be a good fit

I would consider coming back at a later date if my second opinion tells me otherwise I don't know if you would want me back as a patient and I hope you read this and I hope you contact me via email and let me know

And yes right now I'm upset but I don't think I'm going to feel different tomorrow or the next day or the next day

I did leave a message with Chelsea about my feelings of the situation and that I would be getting a second opinion And that I would not be making another appointment untilI get that second opinion which I will be paying for out-of-pocket even though I don't really have the budget feel that it's important enough to fuck my budget up

I am pissed off because I did want to work towards my goals

But you seem to have a giant pet peeve about the way I speak

And I'm not understanding what you're laying down

Because I'm thinking that I'm understanding but then I'm being told that I'm not understanding but how can I be told that when you're not inside my head

I don't know if you both realized some of the behaviors that you exhibited in while talking to me both you and your co-worker were quite talk and not professional and I really do think that you guys need to sit down and talk with one another about how that could have gone better on your parts

I understand where I fucked up

I fucked up because I was having speaking issues as I am autistic in that happens with autistic people and you don't seem to fucking understand that

So maybe you should not take patients with autism

And the thing is I'm not trying to come across rude I am being Blunt I am just saying what I think if I wanted to be rude I would go name calling and I would be much obviously nasty or it would be very obvious and evident if I wanted to verbally fuck you up

But that's not what I'm trying to do I'm trying to communicate the best way I can and oftentimes that comes out as Blunt and very jarring to allistic people.

I'm really hurt Joshua

You heard me crying

I usually don't cry that hard in a therapist's office ever

That is something that I usually save for private time to get it out of my system

I was not angry crying I was hurt

And I do not think that you and your partner are very self-aware about how you came across with me and if you're coming across with me like that how are you coming across with other patients how many other patients have left

I've been in therapy for 25 years but I have not been in therapy for 25 years for the same things there have been many misdiagnosis and many different issues that I have experienced since I was 12 years old Originally I went into therapy because I was mimicking my parents behavior and cursing and acting out at school towards authority

I was also very depressed because my home life was fucking terrible and I got diagnosed with dysthymia

My father and mother pushed to find diagnosis for me instead of just you Know thinking about the fact that I was a Pretend and Then teenager who was helicopter and passive neglectful parenting at the same fucking time

I was grossly abused since I was the age of 2 at 12 years old my grandfather on my mother's side fucking molested me which almost turned into a rape

And then I was invalidated when I tried to speak up on it when I was younger so then my brain protected me and I forgot about it till I was in my 20s

There are hundreds of more incidents of people being inappropriate with me that I have not gotten to share with you

I'm not exaggerating

I'm not a victim I'm a fucking survivor of horrible types of abuse of horrible things that were not just sexual abuse

I did not feel comfortable trying to tell you everything because it's really hard for me to stay on track and then I only get a small amount of time with everything I need to get out of my system and let you know that's imperative for my treatment and said to be fussed at about me attempting to do that without being too terrible is really distressing

And now that I'm home and I have cats laying on top of me because they know I'm really fucking stressed out I'm trying very hard to talk to you through my journal and explain what exactly is going on

I'm trying to verbalize better than I could in session because it felt like somebody would say something to me I wouldn't get a chance to respond properly in a thoughtful way because I would have needed more time to think but I felt like I was on the chopping block and under pressure by 2 people coming at me I thought that she was going to sit there take notes and then ask if she could ask me a question or 2 I did not think that it would become a 2 therapist session I don't think that it's a good idea that you do that with me or another Patient again and that's just my opinion in my opinion might not fucking matter to you at all and that's fine but I'm going to say it anyway

I considered having one more session with you to discuss what went on and how it was not okay in certain instances and how we probably are not a good fit and I wanted to have a peaceful parting of ways but I don't think that that is going to be possible with the way that you react with me

And I don't think that you are able to see nor your co-worker are able to see how you react towards your patients or how you react towards me in particular I'm not quite sure if you'll act the same way with your other patients I'm guessing noI'm guessing that the way I talk and the way I was coming off even though I told you that I had not had my anxiety medication and I was snippy because I was stressed out

And the way that You both spoke to me was overly assertive like I'm a dumb ass and wouldn't listen and I did listen

You know my brain doesn't exactly process the same way as yours does and I have explained this on multiple visits I have explained this in my journal and I'm not sure if you read that I'm not sure if you have looked up and read the Mayo clinic articles and NIH articles the clinical ones not just web MD type shit

That is what I read that is where I educate myself about my problems from

I use medical textbooks that I find online to educate myself about my own disorder and my own health issues because I have too because I have been misdiagnosed and I have been mistreated

And being mistreated in therapy and outside of therapy in other Doctor appointments and just in general throughout my entire life has made me a very reactive person

And I understand that maybe yeah you do want to help me and maybe you do care but I really feel conflicted here

Because yes I'm getting a second opinion

And I have this sort of misplaced guilt of some form that I am doing that but I need to see for myself if I need to see someone else or if your view is the same as this random therapist that I just decided to pick and make an appointment with who also does EMDR.

So I will go and find that out

If I decide that I am a wrong big stupid fuck head after seeing this new therapist and I discontinue therapy with her because I have already discussed that I wanted in a second opinion

Then I would consider becoming your patient again but right now I need a break I really do this is too much

I have told you that me speaking is a trigger people criticizing how I talk and how much I talk is a trigger

Do you understand that people with attention deficit disorder oftentimes verbalize things that are going on in their head out loud they process out loud that's why I talk so fucking much and then having ocd along with that comes with compulsions that I cannot fucking control and then having APT SD flare and anxiety issues on top of that has created a fucking forest fire with jet fuel

And I have had a traumatic brain injury due to a car wreck that was not my fault

And my brain got shaken up and I was worse than all of this at 1 point and then I got better and then suddenly everything got worse and we don't know why

So I know how I was before and I am frustrated already with how I am now and hearing other people criticize me for things that I'm already beating myself up 4 is very aggravating and very hurtful

And no I do not feel seen or heard or understood by you currently

I believe that you may understand some of it but I do not think that you are seeing the big picture of the situation I'm in and how I'm feeling and how I'm doing

I do not think that you understand what it's like to have to resist compulsions

Don't think you understand what it's like to have a thought in your head so you can respond to somebody when they're done speaking while you're trying to listen to them as best you can because you have problems paying attention due to symptoms frothat is very real

And I'm upset and I'm torn about all of this.

I mean maybe it's just not a fit.

I have never meant to frustrate or cause anyone distress

I do have a very complex case and so maybe it's not the right case for you idk.

All I do know is that I am left hurting if there was no form above aftercare really

And that is unprofessional it doesn't matter how old the patient is

I understand you had to go check with your next patient and I understand we were going overtime but the patient before me went overtime

So that wasn't fair to me

You did come in the room but you did not really check on me you just told me I needed to go

I'm not okay

That is not how I have ever had any therapist Treat me with such a stoic response to me being truly hurt and upset and I have seen quite a few in my lifetime

You know I'm sure your LPC saw a lot of things that she didn't like and heard a lot of things that she didn't like and I'm sure she agrees with you because you both work together but the problem is with those sort of situations

Is you both know each other. So of course without knowledge of my history she is going to buddy up with you and agree

I really didn't need to therapist on me at once I really thought it was more of an observation thing and I did think about getting up and walking out several times or asking her to leave several times

And I did have to pause and take my anxiety medicine and that should have been a clue for everybody to calm down at me and I did ask if we could change subjects because it was escalating inside and I did not want to have the reaction that I did

When I go to therapy to work on my goals in my problems I am looking for compassion from a therapist and I don't think that it's wrong that the way that you are as a therapist I just don't know if it's a good fit

Because I'm not experiencing the kind of compassion and understanding that I'm used to with other therapists

That's okay because obviously you have other patients and you do things differently

And it may not be for me

But I am sad and I am pissed off because I really did want to work towards those goals with you

And I would be happy to go see another EMDR therapist and then work on goals with you separately

I already spoke to the woman that I made an appointment with for Thursday

She said that many of her patients see her for EMDR and they go to another therapist for cognitive behavior therapy or other therapies

I asked Chelsea if you would be up to possibly doing things that way impossibly communicating with the EMDR therapist that would probably be better for me as she is a woman and I have not had good luck with men in psychological health care aside from psychiatrists.

I saw a male psychologist before and he was extremely inappropriate so I was actually pretty nervous to come see you until I was told that you were a gay man and that I could talk about sensitive subjects with you

So that made me feel safer however I have realized that because you are not a woman with the unique experience of being a woman and dealing with the things that we have to deal with though I'm sure you'd have dealt with some of those things.

You know II don't feel like I couldn't say anything right or I see too much or not enough or it's the wrong phrasing and it's just beating me down my entire life I was 28 years old living with my father still and being harassed and beaten down verbally every fucking dayAnd I still get that every time I talk on the phone and in person he has to be in control of me

It is a theme in my life that people have always had to correct me and be in control of me

I have learned about circle of control a very long time ago and I understand it and yes I do need reminders sometimes however bringing up my neighbors and this volatile situation as an example to use for circle of control and everything was wrong that was wrong today

And I've already addressed that yes I crossed your boundary I apologized for that I did not know it was a boundary I thought it would be helpful for my therapy that was my train of thought I will not email you again anything to do with this crap

If you lived here and you went through what I went through and you had the money to move you would have already moved I promise you

And you might disagree with me and that's okayAnd I'm not going to fight with you about it but I'm not sitting there lying to you or exaggerating when I tell you that these people target me and I have not done anything for them to do that

Just like I can control me not directly speaking to them and keeping my head down and not responding to their behavior towards me when I am outside of my apartment

They could control themselves which they don't seem to be able to do. These people are likely people that got kicked out of their last living situation by the way that they act and they treat others in this complex I am not the only one who has called the cops who is gone to the office etc

And I am not the only one that they are harassing and bullying

And the other people that they are harassing and believing have never done a damn thing to them either

So I really don't appreciate being asked what I did for them to act that way towards me I did everything I was instructed to do so I did not break any of the lease rules and the property rulesCan I have gone to the office to clarify that I am not breaking any rules even before these people moved in

To paint you a better picture we had a drug dealer living in that apartment before they moved in and he was incredibly polite despite what he did for a living in the kind of people that were in and out of his apartment daily which is what got him evicted

Now that medical marijuana and weed is not such a big deal to police officers so I have been told recently by the Courtesy officer who walked me to my car so I could get there safely while people were taunting me in the damn background

However you know these people are also smoking weed inside their home around small children which is illegal whether or not you have a medical prescription

And I have reported that as well because that is child a use and illegal use of medical marijuana or The drug in general if it's not medical

So I don't see what I'm doing is wrong nobody in this community wants these people living here I'm not the main person going after them either I am one of many people having issues

So I don't see what I'm doing is wrong nobody in this community wants these people living here I'm not the main person going after them either I am one of many people having issuesThey seem to think it's just me. So that is why I am getting all the shit. I did speak with our office to see if I could have a meeting with the residents of apartment 60 and have a mediation of some form because they do offer that

The front office told me that they thought it would be a bad idea because of how reactive those people are

Their lease is not going to be renewed because of behavior they have exhibited towards me in several of my neighbors

It's not a viction but it's good enough for me however I do not know how long their leases as I am not privy to that information

So I have put a camera up in order to protect myself because I have been verbally threatened and called names by children teenagers and grown adults and this has been an ongoing thing and the on-site officer knows about it and has told me to keep him updated via email because he is not happy with it and he needs a reason to slap an eviction notice on their door from the front office

So I hope that that paints a better picture of the situation for you I have done nothing but ask children to move out of my space and I have called About noise complaints that were quite reasonable because I had my 31 dB ear protection on and could still hear screaming in my home which is horribly triggering and it's not good for me and my psychiatrist told me that I needed to move

About noise complaints that were quite reasonable because I had my 31 dB ear protection on and could still hear screaming in my home which is horribly triggering and it's not good for me and my psychiatrist told me that I needed to move However I am not financially stable by myself. So I can't just pick up and move I have nowhere to stay my mother's home is filled to the brim with boxes in every room

My father's home is similar there's no place for me to sleep in either home unless I want to sleep on the floor that is cold tile or if I want to sleep on a piss soaked carpetFrom my father not taking proper care of cats in dogs and my mother not doing the same before they were divorced in the entire house smells like cat piss ammonia

So if I had a choice to just quickly move out into a cheap place honestly it would cost more than my rent costs now

It's not like I haven't thought about it it's not like I haven't thought about putting everything I own in a storage unit and just taking my necessities and moving into a bedroom for rent in someone's some strangers home a bedroom for rent in a stranger's home cost more than my rent does here

And believe it or not I have very very cheaprent because this apartment has not been updated since the fifth or 60s I don't know when it was built but it has not been updated since it was built So I pay under $800 a month for this apartment or rather my father pays under $800 a month for this apartment

There aren't many other places that are this big and available that are inexpensive and the smaller places are just as expensive if not more

So yeah I don't really appreciate how everything went with everyone jumping to conclusions and making assumptions about me because I do no cognitive behavior therapy and no I'm not perfect at it I'm having a lot of trouble with it right now and I am trying to go over it I'm actually about to put a phone app back on my phone so I can start recording myself and reflecting about it

But here's the thing Joshua after today you know you did some things that were not cool and so did your LPC

So I am taking a break I'm getting a second opinion and I might see if I can come back and work with you on some of those financially stable goals and some cognitive behavior therapy brush ups or whatever else we could possibly work on that doesn't have to do with the way I fucking speak

But currently I do not think it is a good fit and I'm going to go see someone else and I'm going to see if that's a better fit or if I'm the big fat fucking problem

You know before I went to therapy for complex p was in therapy for other reasons and I did not have a talking issue or a listening issue like you seem to think I have

And you know what I can understand how it looks and I can understand your point of view but you're not correct and I don't know how to explain it to you I can't come up with the correct words so that you go oh I get it I understand now totally get it

But even if you did completely understand it seems like you are irritated with me for most of the session I can read your body language I mean I have complex PTSD I'm a people pleaser I am a pattern recognition autistic

So I do see those things I see the microficial expressions body movement and I saw that with your LPC her body movements were very telling I was worried that she seemed like she wanted to jump across the room at me even though I'm sure she would never do that but you know like I read people's facial expressions I've had to my entire life to try to fit in and understand And I still might be misunderstanding I still might be missing cues so I'm gonna go see this person that works with a lot of autistic patients with EMDR and probably has more patients for that and we're gonna see what's up

I wish you the best and if I call and ask for an appointment to return I would hope that you would welcome me back to see if we could go about things a different way or if we can figure out a way to work together because I don't know what else to do

I really don't know what else to do I have tried very hard to be a good patient

And I just feel really hurt and misunderstood completely

Like I truly feel that you have some idea of me and you have me pinned for something that I am not

And that might not be true but there is something about this that is really hurting me

I mean maybe it's because you do come across as more clinical and goal oriented however I have had therapist that were goal oriented but did not come across clinical and they were easier to communicate with so I don't know what to do here

And I do feel like this weird guilt for being like fuck this I need to go get another second opinion and then if I'm in the wrong I will come back but I don't know if you're going to want me back after this

And I would like to be informed if you do or do not my email is open for you to write me back

If I just sighed to stick with my second opinion I will call and let you know that I will not be returning and you can just do whatever it is you do with patients that don't returns files

I wish you nothing but the best I might remind you that you need to shake your fiddle leaf ferns in the front office every once in a while because they need to know that they're in a tropical environment like when it rains so you have to shake them a little bit and it keeps them from just dying I don't understand why but that's the thing and I thought I'd just let you know if I haven't already done that

I do actually care about you as a person and I think that you're not a bad person I think the things that you have told me that you have done are good and wonderful and you should continue to do those things with your practice and your communit is because you seem to be good at those sort of things and I'm glad that I could get some help from you but we seem to be at a point where I definitely just need to go see someone else for a little while Just see if there's a difference and if it is a proper fit or not

I am frustrated because I really didn't want to begin therapy with someone else all over again but after today it's just pretty clear that I need to do that I need to figure out what's going on

And I think a second opinion will provide me with the correct insight

And yes I am repeating myself and yes that is compulsory and I really truly if I tried to not do it would feel like I was dying and I don't know how to describe what that physical feelings feels like it is very painful and uncomfortable it's like being attacked by a whole bunch of bees in your brain and it hurts and then parts of my body will hurtI mean one reason that I was crying after session is because I was holding in so many things that I needed to talk aboutAnd it was mentally and physically painful

I am literally sitting here shaking with both of my ESA cats on me.

No after care after a session like that not cool

Or perhaps I Made a huge fucking mistake by assuming that you did after care when patients are upset because most EMDR therapists do that especially after going over trauma's in general

Maybe you were not trained that way

But to my knowledge that is what supposed to happen when a patient is in distress

So if you would like to call or email or text me you may

I would like some civil reply of some form please

I'm not trying to be controlling here I know it might look that way I suck at talking apparently

Like I just suck at communicating

And it doesn't seem to be understood very well and I don't know how to say this and I keep repeating myself because I don't feel that I'm saying it correctly

But I'm hurt because it is so frustrating to try and communicate with someone that's trying to help me but doesn't quite understand that they haven't everything a little bit wrong

And this was just not an okay session at all for me to be so upset that I have to call and make an appointment with a whole different therapist for a second opinion.

I'm not trying to be a bitch when I give you feedback

I don't know how else to communicate certain things and I know that you wanted to help me with that but you were not helping me

I don't think that our communication styles are the same

I am sad and I wish I could have a goodbye for now session with you.

So maybe in the future we could pick up when I'm doing a little bit better and I could be helped with things unless this new therapist can help me with all the same things you can and then I may stick with her

And yes right after the appointment I got in my car and I screamed and I screamed and I screamed and I fucking screamed because it hurts

And then I just started calling people and this is the one that picked up so I'm gonna go see her

I am going to take care of myself until I drop

I would not be in therapy if I didn't think that there were things I needed to work on

But you know we have spoken about these things multiple times and I have tried to explain the best way I know how which is just straightforward but I don't speak in riddles like neurotypical people do

And often people make assumptions off of what I say like it's supposed to be read into

And much of what I say is not needed to be read into

I don't really know what else to say I think I covered everything I don't hate you I don't wish you unwell I don't wish you ill I don't wish the LPC anything bad.

I don't even fucking hate the neighbors other than the fact that they were abusing a child

And you know my focus has not been on them because of my past trauma I was just throwing that out there as a thought that it might be extra triggering since I am in APTSD flare up

You know I would've happily made friends with these people but they had no intention of being friends with or being kind to me to begin with and my neighbor my black neighbors since person of color was the wrong thing to say Even though I was just fucking trying to be politically correct I didn't want to be racist since your co-worker is also black I don't want to piss anybody off that's not my intention at all ever and I'm not a racist person

And it's not like you guys are invisible I did see the exchanges of looks and things of that nature and I don't think it was in relation to what I said I just saw that multiple times during session

When it seems like everybody's mind is made up about me when they don't even fully know me like I don't think you've gathered enough information about me to be honest

When you said you did but I really don't think you have the full picture

I really really needed some sort of aftercare after that and I couldn't verbalize it and I was trying not to go nonverbal the entire time but then I got reactive because of how the LPC spoke to me and how you were speaking to me and the body language and all of that I'm in APT SD flar

So like why isn't that taken into account when you're speaking to me

One would think that a therapist would be a little bit more gentle with a patient who is having lots of distress in her life

I mean you don't even know what else is going on because I haven't had a chance to talk to you about any of that

It seems also that you are overloaded with other patients

And I don't know if I were a therapist and I had as many patients as you probably do I probably would take a look at my psychology today profile and put not accepting new patients

But it's not my practice and I don't know what you get up to with your practice but that's just an opinion again

Anyhow my opinions are not meant to be insulting just to clarify

Like I'm really really really not trying to be a bitch and I do apologize if it's coming off that way

Because that's not how I want to he coming across to people

I never expected you to fuss at my parents

I didn't think that you would even take up for me with them because it doesn't seem to be your style of therapy

And I completely understand that And I would like to clarify that I'm not holding any sort of resentment I'm just bringing it up to bring it up it's just as simple as that

I'm just really tired of being misunderstood

That is one reason I asked you about your training with autism which I don't really believe I got an answer to and your co-worker got pissed off when I was not even asking her the question and it wasn't her question to answer

So it seems like you guys were more reactive at me than I was actually being reactive

I felt like everybody was reading in to what I was saying way farther than what I meant

And trying to form sentences that makes sense and talk to you about things was very difficult today

Because I would say something and it would come under fire and under quesjenning and then you tried to pull more out of me which I didn't know how to say correctly and it took me quite a bit to figure out how to phrase it

I mean maybe it's the fact that I masking or trying very hard to mask when I'm in a complete autistic burnout and it's hard to talk to people who do not also have autism or who or not very informed about women and women's autism

By the way I have had the complex PTSD my entire life the diagnosis happened up leave in 2018 or 2019

Before that diagnosis everybody thought I had borderline personality disorder except for my psychiatrist who disagreed with everyone but couldn't figure out what was going on with me because I was not responding to medication

And then 1 day I had to go to the ER with my mother because I had APT SD episode where I lost touch with reality partially and I had to speak with a doctor in another state that the coroner called a VA doctor in another state to evaluate me.

I don't really need to explain more tbh.

I wish you well I'd like contact back please though.

I will be getting the second opinion and back in touch to see if I want to proceed with them or you or you at a later date.

I'm bothered you may take this wrong.

I hope you don't

I don't know how else to explain.

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trying2cope · 4 months ago

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I was trying not to have a panic attack.

I am prone to them. I technically have GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) with panic attacks, according to my doctors. But I have specific triggers that are most likely to trigger me. Cleaning, paperwork (which is the catch all term I use not just for paperwork but all bureaucratic nonsense like making appointments, calling businesses, etc), and relationship issues. So, basically adulting.

And anxiety is very physical for me. That is, some people primarily ruminate and can't stop their thoughts-- while that happens to me occasionally I'm a really logical and rational person and don't often dwell on my worries-- but that doesn't matter because my fight, flight or freeze system has a hair trigger. I can worry for half a second, dismiss it as irrational, and still be fighting off a panic attack

A good example of this is the doorbell thing. My son was on the porch and he decided to ring the doorbell. My front door has a window in it, and I could SEE him do it. So in my actual, cognizant thoughts I never even thought there was any sort of threat. But the science behind it is your animal brain, your amygdala I think, processes thoughts before your higher level thinking. So before I could even form the thought "it's just my son" my animal brain had already been like DANGER DANGER DANGER and flooding my body in adrenaline so I was fighting off a panic attack on the couch. Because since I'd had such an adrenaline response to finding out the doorbell was CPS before, now my body had decided doorbells=danger and no amount of reasoning or deep breathing or talking will ever convince it otherwise. This is why I need medication, because talk therapy can't fix stupid animal brains that don't even think in words. This is also why my ex husband's verbal abuse made me so much worse, since he thought I was being "ridiculous" and he wasn't wrong, I think it's equally ridiculous BUT him talking to me angrily just makes me feel less safe and more adrenaline gets released and it makes my anxiety worse, which made him more irritated with me, and it was a vicious abusive cycle.

On the worst day of my life, when I found out my ex was cheating on me, I had ten panic attacks. In one day.

So Master telling me he had something serious to talk about and not giving me more information to even try to calm my conscious mind down was not helpful at all. Because even though my conscious mind can't stop an anxiety response that's already started, racing speculative thoughts can absolutely make new anxiety responses start and build and build it into a frenzy.

So for my anxiety, generally the more information I have, the less anxious I am because I only am anxious about the actual facts. Which is often very anxious, but less anxious than if my racing ADHD is coming up with hundreds of farfetched possibilities that it COULD be.

So when my Master had a break at work and messaged me, I told him what was happening to me, that I was on the edge of a panic attack because he'd been so vague.

"It's not about you," he tried to assure me. "Nothing is wrong with our relationship. It's about my ex and custody and child support."

But that didn't totally calm me down. Because if it was a normal conversation, why did he need to have it over video chat so I could "see his body language"?

The most possible thing, my brain decided, was he was going to try again with his ex.

I told you their relationship was very on again off again. That's partially because Master's own parents had been divorced and he'd spent his childhood being shuttled back and forth between houses and "I didn't want that for my daughter," he'd told me with tears in his eyes at one point. That's why he'd tried SO HARD to make things work with her mom. But he'd finally given up and decided he didn't want to be alone and to look for love again, and he met me basically as soon as he'd joined the dating site.

Yeah, I was very aware it was possible I was a rebound. And maybe his ex was jealous now that she was seeing him move on and wanted him back. And he'd told me that he'd "been there, done that and it just doesn't work" and they would never get back together, but I wasn't feeling secure.

He said he loved me, and he probably did, and we were so good together but... He'd never made a secret that his daughter comes first. So maybe if her mom wanted to try again he'd feel obligated to his daughter to try again.

I tried to prepare my heart for it. And I prepared arguments for him. Reasons why he'd told me they'd never work, reasons we could, and hoped I wasn't about to lose him.

I waited and waited for him to get off work. The anticipation kept building and new speculations filled my mind, though the above seemed the most likely.

Finally he was off work and I messaged him and asked, "Do you want to video chat?"

"Yes," he typed back immediately and I got ready for the conversation.

Only I never could have been ready for it.

If I'd guessed a million times, I'd never have guessed what he actually told me.

#d/s relationship #anxiety #GAD #panic attacks #drama #custody

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swiftsaltsweet · 5 months ago

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Thief in the Avatar’s Estate: Chapter 4- It gets worse

Characters: Rangi and Kyoshi and Yun (plus whoever appears in Rok)

Pairing: Rangshi

Summary: Yun decides to head off to bed after his travels from fighting with the Fifth Nation. But as he does, he and his bodyguard, Rangi, hear strange noises coming from Kelsang’s room. When they go to investigate, they are surprised by what they find.

(Canon divergent AU-What if Kyoshi was raised by her parents?)

Prev chapter

Other Sites: AO3 and Fanfic.net

A/N: “Thief in the Avatar’s Estate” aka “The fanfic where I make Rangi and Yun sweat” ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) They don’t get to know peace anymore. It’s Anxiety Land for them now baby! B)

Since this fic actually predates “The Hunt for Kyoshi,” the format is a taaaaad bit different. HfK has a new POV every chapter, the early chapters for this one switch sometimes mid chapter. Obvie I have breaks but sorry for the wonkiness, I believe it only affects ch 4, 5, and 7 but yeah just wanted to give y’all a warning. 8U (I know SoK/RoK do it too but it bothers me a bit now since I switched formats TT0TT) It might happen again in the future but eh…..we’ll roll with it.

______

It took all of Rangi’s effort to choke down her despair as they walked.

Yun was wrong, it most definitely got worse. It was bad enough when they thought they were beholden to some common thief, but a daofei?

She might as well cut her sacred hair and have the spirits take her right then. There was no way for her to recover from the shame.

A daofei! She nervously tried to smooth the loose strands of her hair back onto her head. Forget owing her anything, if word gets out Yun was saved by a daofei. He’ll never live it down. They’ll think he’s in their pocket! They’ll-

Yun put a hand on his friend’s shoulder to calm her down.

“Rangi, stay focused,” he whispered. “We’ll worry about the consequences when we get out of here.”

Rangi took a deep breath trying to center herself. This day had just been the worst, just been mistake after mistake. Nothing had gone right since they ran into Lee.

Her brain began to play all the highlights of the day. If only she hadn’t tripped when they first confronted her. Or maybe if she sped up at a certain corner, or risked throwing a fireblast into the dense woods.

I shouldn’t have lost my grip, I had her pinned down and- her brain worked against her, reminding her of the very reason why she’d loosened her grip on her target in the first place. Rangi buried her face in her hands and clawed in frustration, while a hidden flush ran down her back.

_____

Little did Rangi know, Yun was experiencing something similar beside her. Something about that Lee woman bothered him. It made him feel off kilter like it had with Rangi. Well, not exactly in the same way she had the effect on Rangi, his was more on the unpleasant side of things. Something like a dark foreboding.

He let out a small sigh, he should heed his own advice. Calm down, stay focused. One step at a time. So many steps, they’d been walking for hours with no sign of getting out of that accursed forest.

Yun looked at Lee who led the charge, she would move the unique Spirit World foliage out of the way with her earthbending every so often. A long wavy flow of her arm, a form that resembled a waterbender’s motions rather than a typical earthbender’s.

Interesting. Yun thought.

“Your form is fairly unique,” he commented.

Rangi lifted her head up from her face, small fingernail indents made in ten different places of her face. For the most part she seemed to have calmed down.

Lee flinched for a moment but didn’t stop her motions. “You don’t like the way I bend?”

“No, no! I just found it to be an interesting style, for an earthbender, you know?” He put his hands up in a friendly manner. “It just looked like a motion a waterbender would use.”

“You come across a few waterbenders in my line of work. Maybe I picked up a few of their moves. What? Is that illegal?”

“No, just….. making small talk.” He said simply. Really he was just trying to fish for information. Which daofei organization was she a part of? Which ones had waterbenders and earthbenders working in unison? Fifth Nation? Iron Fins? Lotus Blossom?

Hopefully it wasn’t the Fifth Nation, she might not like the news of their downfall of her kin caused by him.

Yun looked at the way she walked. Her movements were more delicate, like they had been during the chase. Her airy way of walking on the dust was well…..almost like air. Almost like an airbender.

No, no that wouldn’t make any sense. Airbenders were a peaceful lot, there’s no way one would get tied up with a daofei. Waterbending and airbending could overlap in movements, so that must’ve been what it was.

“Lee, I have a question.”

“No, really? Just one? Sigh, what is it?” It seemed like the past few hours of prodding information from her was wearing her patience thin. A lot of the earlier questions revolved around her knowledge on the Spirit World or who she was/why she was doing what she was doing. The former was met with many ‘I don’t knows,’and the latter met with tight lips. Thankfully, those same lips appeared to be loosening up now.

“What are your thoughts on the Fifth Nation?”

The snort turned boisterous laughter that came from the woman made it instantly clear she wasn’t a part of them, nor did she think highly of them.

“Haha, those flaunting peacock cats? Getting too big for their britches I’d say!”

“You don’t like them?” Rangi interjected.

“In the same sense you don’t like a nosy neighbor, sweetie. Or just a neighbor you have beef with.”

Rangi narrowed her eyes at Lee. If it was because of Lee’s comment or for the question she was following up with Yun couldn’t tell. “So you’re rivals?”

“I guess you could say that. But isn’t everybody?”

Yun’s eyes scrunched up. “No, what do you mean?”

“Everyone’s fightin’ somebody about somethin’,” Lee continued, swishing some ground to the side to move a small boulder in the way. “‘If you’re not with us, you’re against us.’ Or ‘You have something I want.’ And so on and so on. There’s only so much stuff to go around, people are bound to fight over it.”

“That’s a fairly pessimistic way to look at the world.” Not that Yun disagreed exactly, with the amount of info he was privy to, it was hard to stay optimistic with all the fighting that was going on behind the scenes. He supposed that the daofei world must work on a minor scale compared to the bigger governments around the world. Which both intrigued him, and disheartened him.

“I’d say it’s just realistic,” she said with a grunt, moving giant boulder out of the way with more ease than any average earthbender would. She didn’t even break a sweat!

Yun wasn’t sure what to make of her earthbending, her styles were all over the place. But one thing he did gleam was that she could move very heavy objects easily. Actually, the way she moved the foliage in big clumps was a bit overkill as well. She didn’t have to move trees and rocks that far away, wasn’t she afraid of disturbing the spirits? Or maybe she just lacked control?

“And you have an issue with the Fifth Nation because they’re too powerful? Or because they take too many resources?” Rangi asked. “I’ve also heard you lot really like to follow the ‘might makes right’ ideology. Afraid they’ll eat you up?”

“Depends on the group.” Lee shrugged. “It wasn’t their power that made it an inconvenience. Yeah, someone having more power can always be a problem. But attracting attention is also a real hassle as well.”

“Yeah, I’m sure a thief would hate attention,” Rangi muttered.

Lee stopped walking and turned on them, annoyed. “And I told you about a hundred times already! I’m not just a thief. If you’re going to call me anything then it’s a daofei!”

“Like it matters! You’re a pathetic, low-life criminal regardless!” Rangi took a defiant step forward towards Lee.

“It matters to me!” Lee marched her own way to the smaller firebender. As she did, she put her hand up and started visibly counting on each finger. “I saved your life outta the goodness of my heart. I’m getting you outta here outta the goodness of my heart, and you can’t even respect me!”

“Oh great! Two whole ‘goods’ that were caused because you got us into this mess in the first place!” Rangi scoffed sarcastically. “And ‘Get us out’?” We’ve been walking for hours! What if you’re just leading us into a trap? Do you even know where you’re going?!”

“I may not know where we are exactly, but at least I have an idea on which way is better! If I let you lead we’d be in Koh ‘The Face Stealer’s’ territory!” She rudely pointed a finger at Rangi, and in a patronizing voice said, “And I bet you wouldn’t want your pretty whittle face stolen would you, princess? Wouldn’t get far in life without it would you?”

Rangi made a lunge for Lee, but Yun grabbed her. Luckily he got in the middle of the two before they were within arm’s reach.

“Yun, move.” Rangi glared over Yun’s shoulder, about to shove the Avatar out of her way. This thief had challenged her honor, and she wasn’t about to let her get away with it.

“No, you two need to stop. Fighting is going to get us nowhere.” He understood why his friend was upset, as pretty as she was, she worked hard to get where she was. Insanely. So Lee’s jab might’ve prodded deeper than she’d realized. But as justified as Rangi’s anger was, fighting wasn’t going to get them out of the Spirit World.

“Oh it’ll get us somewhere,” Rangi made an attempt to get around him, but as she sidestepped him, Yun grabbed her from behind, locking his arms under hers and pulling her back with all his might. He cursed inwardly at how strong she was. “Back at the Fire Academy, fighting was the best way to resolve a dispute.”

Lee gave a cocky grin at the struggling firebender. “Let her go Lil’ Avatar, this girl is finally speaking my language. C’mon Firecracker, I’ll have you on the ground before y…ou….can-”

Lee took a step back, her exposed skin paling to the same pallor as her white makeup.

“Yeah I’d run too if I was you!” Rangi made another lunge but Yun pulled her right back.

Lee’s eyes widened in horror, “S-shut up.” She whispered oh so quietly, Yun almost didn’t hear her at first.

“I’ll shut up wh-” Lee took the risk of Rangi biting her fingers off, and covered her mouth with her hand.

“Shhhh! Behind you!” she whispered.

Yun and Rangi slowly turned around to see a very giant and very, very angry looking spirit behind them. It looked like a crossover between a Kanga-frog and a deep sea angler snake-fish. It had the head of the more angler fishy side, and the body of the kanga-frog.

It appeared to be blind, its milky eyes drifting off in all different directions, the light hanging off its forehead acting as a means of detection. Black goo pooled and oozed off of the spirit, giving it a tainted appearance.

Before Yun and Rangi could think about fight or flight, they were both pulled by their collar and were booking down the forest.

Lee had picked them both up like sacks of flour, throwing Yun over her right shoulder, and carrying Rangi under her left arm. The two were still too shocked by the spirit to even marvel at the woman’s strength.

Lee was running at full sprint, forsaking the floor entirely this time. Having only stayed on the ground floor on the hike as a courtesy to the companions who couldn’t walk on dust like she could.

However, despite her soundless flight, it appeared that the dark spirit was still alerted, as a deafening shriek echoed through the forest. Vibrations of its running soon followed.

Lee let out a string of curses that only a daofei would be accustomed to, “Is it following us?!”

Yun and Rangi looked behind them, and they could see the light bobbing ever so closely.

“Yeah it’s gaining!” Yun yelled.

“Then do something about it!”

“What do you expect us to do?!” Rangi yelled back.

“I don’t know! He’s the Avatar-'' Yun braced himself, for the woman to demand something from him that only the Avatar could do. Fire-air-waterbend or use the Avatar state or something along those lines. All the things he wasn’t capable of doing yet. “-build a big Earth wall or something! Just slow it down!”

Yun wasn’t prepared for that, an earthwall. That was something he could do. He flexed his arms and brought up several pillars of walls. Which got knocked down almost instantly. No matter, Yun could keep bringing them up as long as he had earth to work with.

“And Firecracker-!”

“Wh-what?!”

“-If he gets too close, light his ass up!”

Rangi looked at Lee and smirked. “Can do!”

She proceeded to twist around in Lee’s arm, grabbing at Lee’s waist and trying to climb up the woman.

“W-what are you doing?!” Lee’s cries came out a little more high pitched than she probably wanted.

“I need to get in a better position!” Rangi threw her left leg around Lee’s waist, and then threw both her arms around Lee’s shoulders, almost like a rucksack. Her right leg was almost in position to attack the spirit freely.

“Well hurry it up, you’re making this harder than it already is!” Lee slowed down from stumbling a bit while she tried to readjust her hand on Rangi’s waist, but regained her momentum as Rangi finally got into position.

“Rangi get the blast ready! I don’t think it cares much for earth!” Yun yelled to her as the spirit kept crashing through each of his earth walls, none of them slowing it down. He tried mixing it up with tripping the creature like he did Lee back in the mansion’s forest, by grabbing it by the ankle, but each time it broke through the hold easily.

Rangi took a deep breath while angling and bending back her foot. Right when the spirit was just a human length away she jutted her foot out and unleashed a giant fire stream right into its face. Coincidentally as she did so, a giant gust of wind flew by, causing the stream of fire to expand bigger and rage out of control onto the spirit.

“What? Argh!” Rangi grunted, trying to get the flame under control, but it kept expanding as the wind mixed into it, feeding off the wind’s power, before suddenly cutting off.

The spirit stumbled back from the blast, at the same time the same blast thrusted the trio forward…..right off another cliff.

“Agh! No, no, no, nooooo not again!” Lee complained as they started rapidly descending, this time it was more controlled thanks to her dust. She was taking giant leaps downwards like you would if you lost control running down a mountain. Risky large steps. But she controlled it all the same.

The landing spot was in a grassy meadow, and the second Lee’s feet touched the ground, she collapsed…. Right on top of Rangi, with Yun crushing Lee’s shoulder.

“Mmmrrrphf!” Was all Rangi could make intelligible.

“Sorry Firecracker,” Lee heaved, exhausted. Yun could hear small attempts of shoving being made against the wall of a woman, but Rangi might as well had been trying to push a mountain with her bare hands because it yielded the same effect. “You’re gonna have to blast me off of ya, I’m too beat to move.”

Yun unceremoniously disentangled himself from Lee, before rolling Lee off his friend. Rangi was redder than he’d ever seen her. Her face bore an expression akin to a mouse cat having been caught falling off the furniture. Total and complete embarrassment.

Five. Yun humorously made a mental note to himself as he stared at Rangi’s flushed skin. That makes five… I think?

“What was that?” Yun gasped out, his arms were tired from all the tough bending he had to keep up.

“A dark spirit,” was all Lee could manage to say, and Yun briefly wondered how a child was able to survive this accursed place.

“Why did it attack us?” Rangi asked, making a point to have her back facing the two, but Yun could still clearly see the redness still creeping up her neck.

Lee shrugged. “No idea, I don’t think they like humans.”

“So we just need to avoid them?” Yun asked.

“Pretty much.”

“What about other spirits?”

“They can be iffy, it’s best to avoid most of them if we can.”

The trio sighed. Escaping the Spirit World was going to be harder than it looked.

Yun looked at the exhausted Lee and realized the literal opportunity that literally laid before him. “Lee, can you get up?”

“I think I need a minute, sorry. You guys are heavy.”

Rangi turned around and gave her a light kick.

“Ow!” Lee gave a half-hearted moan, it sounded more amused than anything else. “Is that how you treat someone who saved your life twice?”

“Sorry,” Rangi muttered, and she almost sounded like she meant it.

“Oh, that’s good,” Yun said cheerfully as he squatted down next to Lee, a hand on the woman’s shoulder. “Then I guess that means I can have my stuff back.”

Lee suddenly paled whiter and whiter.

“L-let’s not be so hasty,” she squeaked. She made a futile movement to get up, but exhaustion must not have been a lie as she barely budged.

“Oh c’mon now, this is a great time to return my items that you stole,” he gave her his award winning smile. He figured they were probably in some hidden pocket near the arm sleeve.

Lee, visibly sweating, put one arm over her chest, “C-c’mon, you wouldn’t do something so lecherous, would you? T-the Avatar isn’t a creep! R-Right?!”

Rangi whipped her head around so fast an audible snap could be heard, her expression horrified. Yun stopped his hand, completely confused. He looked at the arm he thought the items might be, and where Lee’s chest was. Back to the arm, and to her chest. Then to Lee’s panicked face, and then back to Lee’s chest.

As if he was shocked by lightning, he took his hand off Lee’s shoulder, and then scurried back a few feet away from her. It was his turn to blush from head to toe in embarrassment.

“I-I-I’m not a creep!” he protested, sweating profusely. “I-I thought you’d hide it in the sleeve pocket! H-h-how was I supposed to-Why would you put it there of all places?!”

“Girls have more pockets than boys! Sue me!” Lee protested back. Yun wasn’t entirely sure what she meant by that, but who was he to argue?

“I didn’t know! I’m not a girl!”

“Thank the spirits for that!” Lee threw her hands up in annoyance and relief.

While Yun recovered, upset by the dirty tactics, he noticed Rangi was now sighing in relief. A childish idea ran through his head.

“But you know who is?” Yun put out hand, palm facing upward, as if offering something to Rangi. “It’s true it’d be lecherous if I did such a thing, but the same couldn’t be said if it was Rangi now would it?”

Rangi’s eyes widened bigger than a pai sho board, Lee started sweating even more. Yun suspected that Lee knew she wouldn't have such an easy out, and she was spinning her wheels.

“W-what do you want me to do?” Rangi asked, taken aback.

“You can retrieve the items!” Yun smiled. “I mean, you’re both girls so it’d be fine right?”

Rangi looked like a panicked cat mouse yet again, her face reddening and fanning down her collar. She, however, made a motion to stand.

Lee crossed both her arms over her chest, “T-that doesn’t matter! It-it’d still be dishonorable!”

Rangi stopped her motion and went rigid at the word. The Fire Nation’s core values were rooted in what was honorable and dishonorable. Yun could see his friend spiraling, weighing the honorable and dishonorable actions in her mind. It’s honorable for her to follow the Avatar, but he’s asking for a dishonorable act. But disobeying would be dishonorable.

Yun realized, in his attempt to take the heat off of him, and to tease Rangi a bit, he may have created an unwinnable scenario for her that deeply shook her to her core.

Lee, however, was willing to grab onto anything that would dissuade Rangi, which would in turn twist the knife deeper.

“T-that’s right! It’s dishonorable! You’ll be dishonoring your family! Your country! Your topknot! Your cow!” Lee wasn’t really making any sense as she continued down the list, but it didn’t matter. Every word made it look like Rangi took another physical blow.

Finally, just as Lee finally ran out of nouns and adjectives that could be dishonored by Rangi. Rangi stood up.

She was stiffer than a statue, her voice was devoid of any emotion or inflection that Yun had ever heard. “It’s been hours since we last ate. I’m going to go look for some food.” Despite her monotone nature, she still bore a slight flush.

She then turned around and stiffly, but hastily, shimmied off into some nearby foliage, and quickly went out of sight.

Six. Yun thought.

“Wow, she really negative jinged outta here,” Yun sweatdropped, feeling a little bad for putting his friend in an uncomfortable situation, not that he’d planned for it to be more than a joke. He was going to need to apologize…. And to figure out how to retrieve his stolen items some other time.

“I thought she’d do it to be honest,” Lee sighed. “She seems like a real hard ass-turtle.”

“She is.” The duo sat in silence for a good long time, while Yun pondered over what to do next. “Lee, can you get up yet?”

Lee sighed, “No, still tired.”

“Ok,” Yun stood up. “I’m going to go talk with Rangi, you stay here.”

Lee gave him a thumbs up as Yun left in the direction Rangi went in.

It didn’t take long to find Rangi, she was crouched near a bush full of berries. She only looked up at him when she heard a branch break behind her.

She held up a handful of strangely colored berries. “I’m not sure if these are edible, I’ve never seen anything like this…..”

Yun shrugged, “They kinda look like forbidden sweets.” He got closer to her and gave her a sheep goat’s grin, and tried to make sure his voice showcased his pure sincerity, “Hey, sorry, I didn’t mean to put you in a crisis. It wasn’t supposed to be that serious.”

“Oh,” she said while she turned her attention back to the bush. “Don’t worry about it, I’m over it.”

Yun blinked at her and then teased, “Really? Huh, you forgive pretty easily. Do you happen to get over crushes that fast too?”

Rangi whipped her head around, Yun was concerned she was going to have severe whiplash at the rate she was going. “Crush??? I don’t have a crush. What are you talking about?! What would give you such an idea?!”

Yun tapped his chin, “I think I recall someone ogling some very nice abs earlier today, don’t worry, I understand. I was looking too.” He winked at her. Rangi’s eyes bulged a bit, possibly realizing she had been caught staring? He slapped one of his own shoulders with his hand, and then rolled the shoulder. “For your information, her shoulders? Very steady too! Oh wait, you probably already realized that, considering you were clinging to her like a spider monkey a second ago…..”

“You’re talking about the daofei?! No I wasn’t-That’s not-that wasn’t- I looked away!” she finally said indignantly, and then stopped her foot. “Th-that’s all circumstantial! You have no real proof. Honestly! What would ever make you think this?!”

Yun put his hands up, as if he was in a hostage situation, but his grin said he was going on the attack. “The six intense blushes-that I’ve happened to notice- in the past 13 hours make me think that.” Rangi went ridged where she stood, realizing she’d been caught. Yun’s grin grew wider. “Listen, I get it! She’s a very pretty lady, and maybe you’re into the whole bad girl kind of thing-”

Rangi spluttered at him. “I. Do. Not. Have. A. Crush. I carry no attraction for that criminal!”

Yun sighed, as fun as it was, he decided not to push his luck any farther. “Fine, fine. But if that’s the not reason, why are you so upset-”

Rangi punched the tree behind her, letting her fist heat up into a flame, and slowly ignited it.

Yun jumped back in surprise, “Ah! Rangi what’s the matter with you?! I stopped, so w-?”

“It’s my firebending!” She yelled at him, shame leaking into her voice. She moved her hand and extinguished the flame on the tree, leaving a smoldering hole. “It’s been messed up since we ran into that criminal!”

Yun recalled how Rangi’s flame extinguished when she’d almost caught Lee, but when were the other times? “What do you mean?”

Rangi began pacing in a perfectly straight line, “First, it’s extinguished out of nowhere! And then with that spirit, I lost control! It just started getting bigger and-”

Rangi continued her rambling, she was quickly wearing a rut in the ground. Yun thought about his training on firebending. Firebending came from within, and emotions could heavily influence how the flame took shape. It’s possible she got surprised by Lee earlier, and then was scared by the spirit. The latter, however, seemed so out of character for the military trained firebender in front of him, but it was the only plausible explanation.

“Maybe your emotions aren’t in check,” he offered.

“My emotions are in check!” The girl yelled, in a tone that showed they were, in fact, not in check.

The two sighed and pondered, at a loss. Sure, it'd only been two instances. But both happening under twenty-four hours and to Rangi of all people? It raised some concerns.

It was highly unlikely Lee herself had anything to directly do with it, she was just an earthbender after all.

Wait, Lee! Yun thought with a shock. They had left her by herself for a bit too long, and fear that she may have slipped away coursed through him. He and Rangi decided to quickly head back, foregoing the little foraging Rangi had found.

When they arrived at the clearing, Lee wasn’t there….but a message dug into the ground was.

You took too long. I got thirsty. Found a river this way.

An arrow pointing in the direction they assumed she’d went.

When they arrived at the river, they saw Lee crouched by the bank, her gloves laid next to her as she appeared to be washing her face in the river. A warm fire was lit nearby, with a few strange large fruits on sticks roasting over it. There were also three haphazard earth beds bent nearby as well.

Yun wondered how Lee had gotten all this set up, it wasn’t like he and Rangi were gone for that long.

“Ah I was wondering when you two would be back,” Lee said, turning to the two. “I figured this would be a good place to set up camp and get some rest.”

Yun’s breath hitched when she fully faced them. She had pretty chestnut skin, with freckles that starred her face as brightly as the stars shown in her grayish green eyes. The only thing that marred her face was a small crescent shaped puckered line running from her lower lip downwards. Possibly from where Rangi bit her earlier. However, it looked less worse for wear since they had last seen her, and he wondered how that could be possible.

He could feel a slight flush taking over, the girl was very pretty. And she appeared a lot younger than her height had let on.

“C’mon what are you two gawking at?” Lee gave them a lopsided smile that turned both the other two teens’ stomachs lopsided too. “I found us some food, let’s eat”

She walked over to the campsite, beckoning them over.

It took all of Rangi and Yun’s strength to snap out of their daze, and follow the pretty girl.

#rangshi #yun #rise of kyoshi #kyoshi #rangi sei'naka #rangi #rangi seinaka #rise of kyoshi au

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