#that yourself is somebody else?

[bestworstcase]

there’s also just. something about how overwhelmingly ruby identifies herself (/has been identified by everyone she knows) with summer—to such an extreme degree that her self-loathing manifests as castigating herself for not being summer—and how little ruby knows about her at the same time, and how ruby fills in the gaps of what she doesn’t know with pieces of herself. the idea of summer as a funhouse mirror alienating ruby from true self-knowledge because she cannot recognize herself except by looking for her mother. and now she’s tearing away at the foundations of that mirror (life isn’t a fairytale and here, take this, it’s the only keepsake she has of her mother’s and by extension it’s the abstracted image of herself) because she wants to escape who she is—& as this happens the narrative draws the truth of summer rose closer to the surface, no longer the flawless (inhuman) paragon of motherly and heroic virtue but the real person who was (is) both good and bad and complicated; a living breathing individual who i increasingly suspect will turn out to be not very much like ruby at all, not in the sense that she was like ruby once and is now jaded and broken but rather that she never was, because the idea of summer rose is so very strongly informed by who ruby is and the implicit pressure ruby has always felt to ‘live up to’ the memory of this fairytale character everyone says is just. like. her.

it’s less about detangling ruby’s sense of self from summer’s legacy than it is ruby discovering that so much of what she thought she received from her mother was actually just her, all along, projected onto the blank (dehumanized) mannequin of someone she couldn’t remember except as the proverbial knight in shining armor. crescent rose stands apart as the one piece of ruby that has no connection to summer, whether real or imagined, because it carries forward something real—qrow was not a mythic paragon in ruby’s life, he was her uncle, for better and worse, the mentor who trained her and supported her but also the unreliable alcoholic she had to take care of, and from the complicated messiness of genuine connection with another person ruby was able to take inspiration and synthesize it with her personal style and personality to arrive at something that is both proud of its heritage and fully and uniquely her—which is why it’s missing now, because it symbolizes the idea of ruby rose that she wants to escape. (but can’t escape, because so much of what she sees as summer is actually ruby.)

the brooch goes in the other direction; it might be the only thing ruby has that is truly and unambiguously summer’s, so narratively of course she had to give it away. only by sacrificing the one piece of herself that really did belong to summer first can ruby begin to smooth out the funhouse mirror of everything else—she needs to sever the true connection to summer before she can cut through the gordian knot of every illusory connection and discover that she was looking at distortions of herself all along, and only then can she return to the question of summer’s legacy (her real legacy, not the legacy of the paragon) and decide what she wants to carry forward. which is to say, she’s getting the brooch back, but she has to get crescent rose back first—because finding crescent rose means vanquishing the alienation that has made her a stranger to herself, and she can’t truly choose or cherish the things she received from her mother until she really knows herself.

[rileylastname]

maybe it’s because it’s “too obvious” but im surprised how few readings I’ve seen of the Substance (2024) that discuss the themes of addiction and substance (ha) use & abuse.

in moderation you can use the substance to become a better, more fun, easier, happier version of yourself. then you realize you no longer want to be who you are when you’re not on the substance. then taking the same dose that used to be enough before isn’t enough anymore, so you want to take more, and just a little bit more couldn’t hurt, right? so you start to take even more. but this is only taking away from sober you, which is painful and difficult and even scarier than what compelled you to take it in the first place, so of course you can’t stop now. now you want to take even more, you NEED to take even more. sober life becomes harder and harder to bear, especially compared to how much easier everything is on the substance. now you’re not only using it to enjoy that feeling anymore, you’re using it to hide from what you’re turning into without it, from what you’ve already turned into.

every minute that you’re sober is spent counting down the days until you can use again, and the ends of being high are spent dreading going back. the sober self is upset and jealous at how irresponsible the high self is. the high self is upset at how much of a buzzkill the sober self is, and wishes they could exist on their own, without requiring their sober tether to existence. but the sober and high selves are the same person, you are one, and you become jealous and angry at yourself for ruining your own life in a vain attempt to become an impossible version of yourself that you most desire to be.

you want so badly to have all—and only all—of the best parts that you milk yourself dry, until you end up with all—and nothing but all—of the bad parts. by the time you truly feel that you have indeed lost everything and know you need to stop, the damage is already done, and there is no going back. you wish you had stopped at the first chance, you wish you had never started to begin with. and even then for many people the only way to deal with this terrifying, painful reality is to use even more, because you have made this terrifying, painful life without your substance feel unliveable, even scarier yet than what had made you use in the first place. there is nothing left to do but to hide from your own life, and the only ways to do this are to stop, to love yourself and take care of the person that you are now… or to keep taking more and more, using until there is truly nothing left, not even yourself.

[yuwuta]

olympics coming up…… athlete aus on the mind….. satoru as a swimmer….. unreasonably large wingspan…. huge hands..... thinks “official” competitions and tournaments are boring because he can’t use the goofy purple googly eyes goggles he likes to practice in…… practices at ungodly hours solely because he likes when the pool is empty because that means you’ll dip your feet in at the edge and be there to greet him with a kiss when he’s finished his laps….. they bring up the stats board and it’s just his name ten times before the next fastest person and he could still lap them, and even tho he’ll always put so much pressure on himself to be the best, it’s worth it to have you hold his face and tell him you’re proud of him... he’s gotten so much merch from events and sponsorships and he used to think they just created clutter but that all changes when you start to wear his clothes (esp the ones with his name on it… he’s not proud to admit that does Something to him)…. always looks up to the stands when he finishes a race and if he knows you’re not there, he looks right at the camera, draws an infinity sign with his fingers, and blows a kiss (which, some commentators routinely call “unsportsmanlike conduct” but he doesn’t care, and always, publicly says he’ll pay the fees if it means blowing a kiss to his girl at home)

[uncanny-tranny]

I think it would really benefit people to internalize that mental illnesses are often chronic and not acute. Some of us will never be able to jump the hurdle of managing illness, much less sustaining a sense of normalcy. Many of us will never "recover," will never manage symptoms, will never even come close to appearing normal - and this is for any condition, even the ones labeled as "simple" disorders or "easy-to-manage" disorders.

It isn't a failure if you cannot manage your symptoms. It isn't a moral failure, and you aren't an awful person. You are human. There's only so much you can do before recognizing that you cannot lift the world. Give yourself the space to be ill because, functionally, you are.

[mastersofunlocking]

AND IF I SAID GELPHIE WHAT THEN HUH

[hingabee]

sorry to report that the "rude american" stereotype is so so wrong bc i went to the us and the people there were the nicest ive ever met from the 12 foreign countries ive visited in my life

[silentsuffering]

Relationship Fact #1

If you lie to or about somebody to get into a relationship, your relationship is not only built on lies, but rather your entire relationship is a lie. Nothing about it is true or real. You don't have a real connection to this other person. You constructed an illusion based on a lie.

[conkreetmonkey]

I really be thinking things like "Scars are generally cool and beautiful and hot and I love them. Except for mine, of course, mine are objectively hideous." daily reminder to sniff out your "positive when others, negative when myself" double standards.

[finngualart]

going through my folders and apparently i started writing a silverflint fic in 2019 and im punched in the soul by it

[shatterthefragments]

And she fucking needs to reschedule her appt. She always wants to do it together with someone. But no. Of course you wouldn’t be able to sleep if you never sleep at those hours anyway. Of course not.

And fine. We’ll reschedule bc what other choice is there. But. Yeah. “I’m sorry”

I gave up my weekend to cater to this bc otherwise I could’ve gone another day to get my new Covid vaccine. I could’ve booked for another time. I could’ve used this day to go in and borrow dad’s car so I could’ve gone to a waterfall or beach even though it’s freezing.

And now I’m probably going to have to give up next weekend - ASSUMING there’s appointments left for then. My last two day weekend before my semester starts and I split my days off. Which is fine. It’s my choice. But I was hoping to do some stuff on my own :(.

And she probably doesn’t. Fuck. I still need to take her for bloodwork (overdue) and picking up an updated will since the sis and I are adults now and it might be A Thing that it needed to be updated. And not to be like especially given their health and that they’ve both had Covid now. But. I worry. I’m not really in a position to be able to support the household even if we inherited and there aren’t taxes. But I’d have to hold it together. I’m older.

She won’t drive herself to go do these things.

(But I have to drive myself now if I can’t bus there).

And I get having anxiety. I am anxious too.

But for it to get so bad years and years ago that it severely affects your family AND your family has asked you to get help several times (on a regular basis too. Bc we’re not professionals and can’t really help you. Especially when you don’t even agree to come along and just sit in the car as I drive around) it’s frustrating. (How would we have turned out if you had actually sought help for your mental illness? And why do I just KNOW that you’ll blame yourself for our mental illness. That we have to hide any attempts to better our own so that you don’t blame yourself?)

Who could we have been if any of us had been diagnosed?

I shouldn’t have had to deal with that as a child. In elementary school. Especially when I was already suicidal on my own anyway.

And yes. I resent you.

“I bet you wish for a different mother”

Yeah. One that fucking tried a little bit harder to get help before it got this bad. Before having us preferably. One that when asked to get help - agrees. Even if we’d have to arrange and just get you in the car and escort you there.

One that even occasionally stuck to anything you say you’ll do.

When I couldn’t even rely on you as a child. An older child.

“At least I raised you to not do drugs or lie. Or drink soda.”

I never felt safe to tell the truth of course I lie to you sometimes. I’ve craved nothing more than the sweet release of oblivion sometimes. Painful violence with flavour isn’t fun.

And then now. You’re. Even now. You’re so judgemental. “You’re such a rebel now”

For what?! Getting tattoos?! That I’ve always wanted!!

I am frustrated.

You wonder why I try to go out of the house and do things?

I hate staying here. But where else am I going to have so much space? And not have to pay a formal rent?

Urges are there. But. Can’t. It never helped to hurt myself anywhere near as much I needed. And I have healing tattoo and touch up’s right now. Im ok though. I don’t. I don’t do it like that.

I need food is what I need but fuck I’m annoyed.

[newrelationshipgoals]

Love means seeing beauty in the ugly, the light in the dark. Love means turning yourself inside out, handing yourself over to somebody else, and trusting them. Trusting them to touch you, to handle you, to bend you but never, ever break what you give them.

[uncanny-tranny]

"The only person who can save you is yourself, don't rely on anybody else!"

Actually, what has saved me is books and my favourite video game and my cats and my friends who I've shared late nights and too-early mornings with and the dew-covered grass I walked on on the way to a competition bus in ninth grade band and the sunburn that kept me out of school for days the month prior.

I understand the viewpoint of how you are ultimately the person who can save you, but don't discount that you aren't an island. You aren't meant to be your sole savior. Let others save you, too. You are worth the care and love the universe has for you.

[godblooded]

so i’m pretty tired of feeling like i’m just supposed to take this and let it go because everyone’s busy but like. if i write you a meme reply here or on @clawsextended i’m asking you to at least like it so i know you saw it.

i don’t care if you want to continue it or not. i’d always prefer to, but i never expect it. it’s not out of the realm of politeness just to ask someone acknowledges that i wrote them something.

[gatalentan]

literally cannot imagine watching abbott and coming out of it only stanning LAW. what's your damage. this part of the fandom is deeply unfathomable to me. LAW would snap you in half if she knew the way u dismissed the rest of the cast especially SLR. get ur shit TOGETHER girls give your heads a shake!!!!

[lilacerull0]

ekatarina velika biography and it's covered in my doodles and my lipstick and my soul is all over it and ekatarina velika is in my soul and yeah yeah yeah most of them are gone. but they aren't

[awildtei]

Thinking about the twinyards today (<- is always thinking about them)

Aaron @ Andrew:

And Andrew @ Aaron: