#that was driven by his own guilt over what happened when he reacted to being provoked

[soullessjack]

I love how the costume designers on spn will have this intricate shirt meta with different outfits or patterns or color choices and then when it came to jacks first ever outfit they just threw a shirt on him that says “fuck around and find out”

[doueverwonder]

I'm so sorry if I'm bothering you, I just love all your OC's.

I kinda wanted to hear about Austria-Hungary, more specifically how Aushun reacted to her death.

oh boy, and no your not, absolutely I can talk about Edith. I'm gonna put the whole thing under a cut bc major tw: for death, mentions of war, and people neglecting their own health because of guilt.

okay so, Edith Stafania Rosemarie Edelstein; she's the as you said representative of the Austro-Hungarian empire, she was born June 8th, 1867 making her 148 years younger than Liesl, 52 years younger than Ludwig, and 109 years older than Franz.

She's terribly stubborn and overdramatic, the second one especially when she's proven wrong; like no one likes being proven wrong but she'll be driven to full out fits over it. The stubborn one more pertains to when she decides something is true it must be true, there's no other way things can be. In her defense on both of those she was very small.

She started counting Ludwig as her best friend as soon as she was old enough to know what a best friend was, Ludwig thought it funny that his little cousin was so attached to him if anything. He called her 'Ditte' which is technically the Danish diminutive of the name but I thought it was cute so it stays.

Liesl as all older siblings do got annoyed by Edith more than most but also would have thrown herself in front of a movie vehicle for her; y'know as all older siblings would. There was a fairly large age gap in between them that made their relationship somewhat odd, Liesl was good at helping take care of Edith when she was a baby, but once Edith was old enough that she wanted to play with Liesl they didn't spend nearly as much time with each other because Liesl didn't want to play most of the games Edith did. (She would fairly often though indulge her little sister in playing castle and being the queen of said castle)

Edith was Roderich and Erzsébet's for lack of better term "miracle baby" (even though considering physical age the title would probably be more accurately applied to Franz) after they lost their second child they decided they still wanted more kids, and tried for a couple decades before giving up. Then when they made up and resumed their relationship in the mid 1860s in comparatively no time at all they were expecting Edith. So she was special, the only one of their kids that was planned and the only one that was born in wedlock (not that important now but this was the late 19th century so bit more important then); as much as they don't want to admit it their world revolved around Edith.

in 1918 she was eight years old, physically. She had been sick the whole war, that wasn't unusual. It didn't make it easier to bear, but they weren't that worried either. Until the end, unlike the last person in the family to pass--Heidi, Holy Rome--there was no gradual decline at the end. She was the same amount of sick she had been the whole war, no concern, she'll be on the mend any day now. Then one morning someone went to go check on her and she was dead.

as for their reactions; by the time Edith actually passed in September on 1919 Erzsébet had already gone back to Budapest and would find out about her daughters death through a far too cold and formal letter. This would happen on both sides but Erzsébet would blame herself a lot, way too much "if i had just stayed with him she could have survived, if I hadn't left, if-" ignoring the fact that their were a dozen reasons the empire crumbled. Her staying might have not changed anything. But she was convinced for a few years this was all her fault, it woukd effect her even years later when she would find out she was expecting Franz; her initial reaction would be to be terrified at the idea of having another child, because that brought about the possibility of losing another child.

Roderich blamed himself sure, but unlike Erzsébet he didn't stop there. It was everyone else's fault too, it was the ww1 Allies who killed his daughter. It was Vuk's fault for killing the archduke and setting off the war. It was Adéla and Evžen's fault for leaving the empire. He even blamed Gilbert and Ludwig at some point. It was everyones fault, her blood was on their hands as far as he was concerned. He buried his daughter because of everyone else's actions, not his own. It would take him years, decades even, to get over this mentality Victim theory. And when he finally would, it would have gathered a lot from both the world wars, and even some things before to the point that his entire belief system would crumble around him. The entire thing would be set off on Edith's Birthday.

as he did every year Roderich would walk himself down to the cemetery with some flowers and some new little trinket he thinks she would enjoy. And he has a conversation with his daughter, "good afternoon. Happy birthday Mäuschen; you're how old now? 120? impossible you were born just yesterday" starting in 1992 Erzsébet & Franz would join him. By 94' so would Liesl, and a year later so would Ludwig.

Roderich and Erzsébet spend a lot of time questioning what could have been done differently, what could have changed how everything turned out, if there could have been a way to save her. But sometimes, like on sunny days in June, they have to stop asking 'what if-' and just start remembering the happy little girl they had.

[all-pacas]

ok ok ok just for fun: if i were to reboot spider-man into the modern era. not a remix, just adapting the 60s cast and setting into a modern one.

A lot stays the same! Uncle Ben, Parker financial anxiety. Instead of Spider-Man trying to get famous and on TV, Peter at first chases fame online, all over Youtube doing stunts and showing off before transitioning into heroics. Mary Jane cameos here: she’s a pretty well known TikTok influencer, so we get an early cameo of her reacting to one of his videos. This leads to JJ’s original distaste for Spider-Man, and his original bad reputation: he’s considered a glory hound, he’s only stopping criminals for the views.

Peter is still the slightly standoffish social outcast/nerd. He was honestly a bit of a jerk in his early comics, kind of resentful and feeling like he deserved better. In the reboot, he thinks he’s better and smarter than his peers. He thinks Flash and Liz are vapid showoffs and he’s smarter. Flash is still a bullying jerk, but Peter also openly thinks he’s better. Similar dynamic to/with Johnny Storm, and as Peter gets over himself a little and becomes more heroic, both relationships soften a bit.

College! Harry tends to be adapted as really “cool” and I disagree. Harry is a loser. He is a rich trust fund loser. He looks like he has it all and is super privileged, but he’s actually really cripplingly shy and anxious and awkward. He and Peter hit it off over nerd crap, and Harry opens up to him, leading to their friendship.

Gwen is really cold and standoffish at first. She’s sort of “perfect,” comes off as a bit haughty and better than. But she and Harry are old friends and run in similar “rich and influential” circles, and her genuine warmth and friendship with Harry is an early sign she’s a nice person; she warms to Peter through him. She comes off as aloof because her dad is chief of police and she’s often getting dragged into the politics and blame that comes from “my dad is THE number one cop in New York,” and she loves her dad even if she maybe has more complicated feelings about his job and influence. She’s tired of having to live with all the assumptions that come with it and wants her own life. She and Peter can bond over having high expectations for themselves and wanting more out of life, despite not knowing quite what “more” is. Gwen has big plans and is very ambitious.

Mary Jane is a huge influencer; online she’s known only as MJ, so when May starts talking about setting Peter up with “Mary Jane” he’s like lol no. He’s heard of her from his glory seeking internet fame days and they even had a brief social media interaction or two, so he’s smitten when they do meet… only to quickly decide she’s too shallow and fame obsessed and silly — she wants to turn her social media savvy into being an actress, imagine! He still likes her as a friend and they get along great, but he’s like yeah, not dating her.

MJ for her part is much more ambivilant to Spidey than she acts online, because… she knows he’s Peter. And, as in the comics, she is not sure what to think of someone who acts so differently in a mask than unmasked. Which part is the act? Slowly she realizes that there is no act and it’s all Peter. She’s highly ambitious but because she feels like all she has to offer are her looks; she likes the adulation that comes of influencing but is so driven because she’s sure it’ll end and wants to get as much as she can before it does. She’s driven by her insecurities.

Gwen dies, Mary Jane and Peter start dating, Harry has his series of breakdowns and marries Liz. Peter and MJ have a courthouse wedding, and around the time the Clone Saga happened… instead, we introduce Miles. (Sorry, Ben). Now instead of Peter retiring and being replaced by his clone, he meets and is initially wary of Miles — after all, no one but him and only him can take care of New York (due to Peter’s immense guilt/responsibility complex). But slowly Miles and Peter bond, and Peter becomes more comfortable with sharing his responsibilities and being a mentor instead of his usual loner self.

Mary Jane does transition to actress in a similar arc as the comics: she tries Hollywood, but realizes she’s only a stunt cast, and moves to off-off-broadway and finds real success and pleasure in smaller, better shows. She is the breadwinner of the home, and still maintains some social media but mostly steps back. Not because she doesn’t still like it, but just because she doesn’t need the constant validation to prove she’s not worthless anymore.

Mayday is NOT kidnapped, and Peter’s new status-quo as a father allows him to step back and let Miles have more of the spotlight, while still remaining an active character/hero. Also because I really like her, Peter and Mary Jane’s next child is Annie. IDK, Peter really does just come off as a Girl Dad, yanno?

[svtellify]

What would you say Keefe’s new exact ability is? I would kinda say he’s like a much more powerful beguiler or a combination of beguiler and Mesmer. But then why wouldn’t Lady Gisela choose someone else besides an empath for her project? Thanks, I love your analyses.

okay okay okay wait this one is so interesting, right? you would *think* it's a combination between a beguiler and a mesmer, which makes sense considering what it is that he can do. it's not his words or the fact that he's saying these commands that causes someone to comply. even the

however.

the councillors immediately rule that out and even grady agrees that it's not the same as his own ability.

personally, i think it makes perfect sense to choose an empath. the majority of our decisions are guided by some form of emotion, right? even the rational and logical ones are guided my less volatile emotions. these aren't classified as simple emotions by neuroscience, but we do view the ability to rationalize to be connected to the ability to express emotions. the frontal lobe controls both of these and phineas gage is a perfect example of what happens when you remove rationality from someone's equation⎯there's a change in their behavior driven by emotional impulsivity.

so why does that make empathy the perfect emotion for lady gisela's project? well, strong emotions can effect how someone will act. pushing these emotions and manipulating them into feeling something can change how someone might react to a situation. 

i mean, think about it. under ideal circumstances and with perfect control over his ability, he can strengthen hid enemies’ feelings of guilt and take them all out at once. he’s a lethal weapon, really. 

she needs a polyglot for the second half of her experiment because the advantage of being able to use any language and any accent means he can erase his trace. targeting emotions of a neverseen agent while impersonating another neverseen agent removes all traces of his involvement. 

tl;dr: lady gisela’s brilliant. she’s pulled this off somehow, but the key to the extent of her brilliance comes down to what elysian has to do for keefe and how this weighs on keefe.

[designedparadigm]

   it's  a  flood  of  emotions  that  simon  isn't  ready  for.  he  reacts  slowly,  as  if  stunned  still.  lost  in  his  mind  again.  pushed  back  to  where  he'd  been  before.  he  has  to  admit  -  his  mind  reels.  he's  aware  his  captain  was  speaking  to  him,  was  holding  him  -  and  by  god  he  was  clinging  on  in  return  -  but  his  mind  goes  elsewhere. 

   guilt  floods  his  system,  and  his  brows  furrow  as  his  chest  tightens.  his  eyes  sting  as  he  registers  the  pain  associated  to  the  guilt.  you  love  me.  you  love  me  and  i  was  ready  to  die.  i  stared  down  a  gun  and  accepted  it.  i  forgot.  i  forgot  i  had  a  reason  to  live.  i  was  ready  to  die.  to  see  them  again.  i  thought  about  myself.  about  them.  i  forgot  you  cared.

   it's  a  knife  of  his  own  making  driven  straight  through  his  heart.  it's  a  punch  to  the  lungs  that  steals  his  breath  and  threatens  to  choke  him  out.  he  deserves  that  -  doesn't  he?  he  forgot  he  was  loved.  he  forgot  someone  would  miss  him  if  he  was  gone.  he  was… 

   he  was  so  used  to  being  alone. 

   he  starts  to  tremble,  before  his  breath  hitches.  he  has  to  reprimand  himself  he's  a  god  damn  soldier  and  soldiers  don't  fucking  cry.  crying  was  for  the  times  off  duty.  when  he  didn't  have  to  play  his  part.  but  the  mask  of  ghost  lay  in  his  lap,  the  frail  vestige  of  what  he  wanted  to  be,  so  far  out  of  reach.  there's  nothing  to  hold  onto.  he's  stripped  bare.  every  time  he's  alone  with  soap  -  he's  stripped  fucking  bare.  raw. 

   “i  forgo'.”  he  whispers  it  out,  the  fear  in  his  wavering  voice.  “was  -  was  gonna  -”  let  it  happen.  the  words  don't  come  out,  but  the  implication  hangs  in  the  air.  “though'  -  though'  -”  he  squeezes  his  eyes  shut,  taking  in  another  breath  that  hitches,  wavers.  you  are  a  soldier.  soldiers  don't  weep.  “used  t'  bein'  alone.”  he  whispers  it  out,  unable  to  stop  the  tremble  in  his  body.  “didn'  think.  didn'  think  i  -”  mattered.  ever  since  he  crawled  out  that  fucking  grave,  watched  his  family  die  -  he'd  lived  on  vengeance  and  the  hope  someone  would  kill  him  eventually  and  he'd  see  them  again.  get  the  ending  he  has  fought  for  -  had  stolen  from  him.

   “i'm  no'  used  t'  bein'  -”  he  stops  short,  realizing  he  doesn't  know  the  word  to  use.  cared  about?  loved?  which  is  it?  oh  -  he  knows.  he  knows  but  it's  saying  it  that  is  a  whole  other  thing  entirely.  “i'm  sorry.”  he  whispers  it  out,  the  fear  back  in  his  tone.  he  closes  his  eyes,  attempts  desperately  to  find  his  center.  where  is  it? 

   ah.  his  work.  if  he  works.  if  he  distracts.  does  something  -  anything  -  maybe  it  will  balance  it  out.  drown  himself  in  anything  that  isn't  thinking  about  it.  no  more  living  in  that  moment.  just…  work.  be  a  drone.  think  only  about  getting  into  systems,  shutting  security  down  -  it'd  be  easy.  simple. 

   “mission's  no'  ye'  over.”  he  mumbles  it  out.  “can  still  do  some  of  my  job.”  distraction.  “no'  gonna  be  th'  burden.”  there's  a  sharpness  to  his  tone  that  reflects  self  hatred  and  disappointment.  i'm  not  going  to  leave  here  with  a  performance  that  leaves  room  for  bein'  reprimanded.  i  can  salvage  it.  i  can  salvage  myself.  it's  what  he  knows  best  after  all,  isn't  it?  being  in  pieces  and  picking  them  up,  fashioning  himself  into  a  blade,  and  piercing  whatever  weak  points  he  can  find.  he  still  has  worth  -  he  didn't  regally  fuck  it  up.  i  can  still  do  this.  “you  trusted  me  with  this.  can  still  do  i'.”  that's  right  -  his  captain  trusted  him.  and  he  does  this?  what  a  fucking  way  to  repay  it.  it  jolts  through  him  and  he  presses  his  lips  into  a  fine  line.  “…can  still  fix  this.  can  still  salvage  i',  sir.  migh'  no'  do  ya  proud  on  this  one;  bu'  i  can  ge'  i'  done.”

THE MISSION WAS KAPUT in mactavish's eyes, the moment that ghost stopped replying over comms. it was severely unlike him, &. the obviousness of the danger he was in had immediately made itself clear. he commanded roach &. the other men who had accompanied him on the ground to push on, while he backtracked to the security office to figure out what the hell was going on. nursing an immense surge of concern. urgency in getting there despite the flanking reinforcements. of course, soap's ability to handle himself under pressure was down to a science in the wake of his thrust into promotion. &. while there was certainly a similarity in the way he handles himself now, the ghost is an entirely different beast within him. protectiveness &. adoration living within set off tenfold at the mere idea of his being in trouble.

the anxiety working within his chest, while more intense than usual, was also common enough. the danger lurking around every corner constantly keeping you on your toes. the calm anger &. animalistic, brute skill allowing him to work his way with strategic cover back to the office he'd dropped the lieutenant off at, before setting out for the intel required. snarling &. yelling the whole way as blood spatter mixes with streaks of green paint. the man he loves being in danger igniting a clear ruthlessness he no doubt possesses. operating with no red tape holding him down, &. calculatedly mowing anyone who got in the way of he &. his ghost. his lieutenant. his simon.

&. upon seeing the threat, the quick assessment was made in moments before sidearm is pulled, &. hole is promptly created in the back of blown skull. cleanly eliminating the current threat, before closing the door to conceal them for the time being &. holstering his pistol. rushing forth to assess any potential damage to his lover.

"ghost!" he shouts, the worry clear from blue eyes. impossible, even if he were to try &. harden them further. lips slightly part, deepening such concern as brows narrow indefinitely. "are ye alrigh', lieutenant?" he asks, something so routine about it. entirely so. although routine only means that genuine care is extended to all under his command. eyes studying, while he crouches down low to get a better look. spoken word shifts cheeks beneath mask whilst john holds him, &. forces head back when he looks away.

"goddammit ghost, take that bloody thing off an' le' me see ye. there's no one else here." he demands, not bothering to tug it off himself. usually he wouldn't ask this of him on the field, but this was different. needed the full picture. he shifts closer between open legs the second anxiety is spelled upon his face, &. he shakes his head. "no, no, no, hey - s'alrigh'. yer alrigh', i gotcha." soap continues, actually taking the initiative to take the mask off himself. settling it within the other's lap to give control back, as bare palm smelling of gun powder &. smoke land upon his cheek.

thumbs brush over cheekbones with mild scarring adorning. he doesn't look injured, so he relaxes. the emotion simply hitting him all at once as he has a hitched breath of his own. all of a sudden his touch becomes rougher, &. heaves of his chest more ragged. the relief all encompassing. the emotional response he feels is that initial hit of fight or flight wearing. suddenly feeling everything all at once. "stop." he demands, bringing ghost's head close to his own. "i told roach an' the others t'take care of i'. ye don' need t'do anythin' unless they comm us for help." he explains, still roughly stroking cheek.

"fuck sake." he breathes, a rough kiss delivered in lingering devotion that pours from him in the way he'd been unable to express. blocked by walls that undoubtedly saved both their lives. "s'why ye go' me fer a captain, love. m'always gonna save ye." he presses their foreheads together. "i love ye so much. don' ye ever forget tha'." he nods. throwing arms around simon's neck suddenly. pulling him in a hug that's a tad too tight. "plenty o' time fer beatin' ourselves up back at base. fer now i jus' need t'get ye out."

[xopinkroses]

Hello dear! If you don't like my request, feel free to skip it! But damn it, I'd really like to see the DMC(+V please) relationship with the very soft and kind Y/N. She is like the angel that people talk about - calm, with a gentle smile on her face, caring. I would like to see how the guys admire her when she lulls their child. Thank you in advance!♡♡♡

(I hope I didn't take too much liberation with this one, thanks for waiting! Sorry V is missing, I love him but his part was giving me a headache.💖)

DMC boys x Soft, Angelic Reader (+ their child)♥

Summary; How Dante, Vergil, Nero and V would interact with their kind (and almost ethereal) s/o. How they meet and how they react to Reader caring for the child they have together! Warning; Reader is gender neutral but can get pregnant and give birth, cursing

MASTERLIST🌸

Dante

Dante didn’t know if he believed in angels before he met you. He met you during the Temen-ni-gru fiasco with Vergil, when you were attacked by demons outside his shop. It was an easy save for him, sending them back to hell where they belonged with some help from Rebellion. You didn’t have much time to thank him before he was gone, telling you to leave the city and grumbling about the destruction to his shop under his breath. He never expected to see you again, just a few days later when you showed up to his shop. You wanted to thank him for saving your life, and cashed in a favour from your uncle, who owned a construction company.

Over the next few weeks, Dante’s shop was back in working order– all thanks to you! While your uncle and his guys were fixing Devil May Cry (as he’d decided to call it) he ended up spending quite a bit of time with you. You’d bring him breakfast in the morning, usually being the one to wake him up too. Somehow, mornings weren’t as bad when the first thing he saw was your face. 

Initially, Dante was extremely reluctant to allow you to enter his life. You are such a kindhearted and beautiful person, an angel amongst men. Someone as wholesome as you should never be condemned to a life of darkness. But you were also stubborn, and you somehow managed to force yourself into his life, carving out your very own place in a world you didn’t belong in. And now that you’re in it– Dante doesn’t know what he’d do without you. You had become an integral part of his life with just a smile and a laugh like music. 

He is under no illusions that he can live several lifetimes and still not deserve you. But he’s willing to try anyway. He’s a better person with you; more driven, more open and a hell of a lot more happy. That’s just the effect you have on him. 

Dante never thought a family would ever be on the cards for him, but to have a future with you was his biggest dream. You had been together for a few years when you told him that you were pregnant– and he was over the moon with excitement! Sure, he had moments of doubt, of anxiety and insecurity, but he knew that you guys were a team. Through sickness and in health, and all that sappy shit. He’ll make miracles happen for you. 

You have a son together, and you insisted he be named after Vergil. Dante teared up at that, you knew how much guilt he still carried for his brother, and this was your way of freeing him from that guilt. Dante worked twice as hard to provide for you during your pregnancy, taking up more jobs and stepping up to do household chores that you were unable to do yourself. He didn’t want you straining yourself, your job was hard enough. You were to just relax and focus on creating that little being inside your belly. There were a few complications during your pregnancy but, in the end, baby Vergil was born a beautiful, healthy baby. 

Dante is definitely the type to cry when he holds his son for the first time, from the moment Vergil entered this world he had his father wrapped around his tiny finger. The two are as thick as thieves by the time Vergil is three, partners in crime and a massive pain in your ass. Sometimes your son will say something particularly snarky and Dante can’t help but be reminded of his brother. 

Vergil’s favourite bedtime story is The Gruffalo by Julia Donaldson, every night he will refuse to sleep until you have read it to him. Dante likes to listen to you as well, but tonight he decides he’ll give you a break and read it himself. You snuggle up next to Vergil, your son clutching his favourite stuffed animal to his chest. Dante’s reading of the story is dramatic, worthy of an award in voice acting too. Vergil’s eyes are heavy but he stubbornly fights to keep them open, slowly but surely your hand running along his back and the voice of his daddy is enough to coax him into a restful sleep. By the time Dante finishes the book, he looks over to see that you have also fallen asleep, a soft smile graces his features. He doesn’t bother waking you or picking you up. Instead he climbs in beside you, holding his family in his arms as he joins you in dreamland. 

Vergil

You are a human, a demon hunter working with his brother, but still just a human. No powers or supernatural abilities, weaker than him in every physical sense… but somehow you had Vergil enchanted since the moment he laid eyes on you.

Dante thought it best to introduce the two of you, since you worked quite closely with him, it made sense for Vergil to be familiar with you. Vergil straight up forgot how to speak. He was captivated, unable to take his eyes away from you. You greeted him warmly with a soft smile, extending your hand for him to shake. “Hi, it’s lovely to finally meet you.”

Snapping out of his trance, Vergil glared. What kind of demon hunter was this sweet? His social skills are terribly underdeveloped, and he and Dante are barely scratching the surface of his trust issues. He does not react well to you being so… you. He completely ignores your hand.

You didn’t mind the cold greeting, simply lowering your hand and laughing the rejection off. “I guess we’re not quite there yet, that’s okay.” Your smile never once faltered. His eyes lingered for too long before he stalked away. Dante was swift in assuring you that Vergil was just like this sometimes. 

He tried to avoid you after that, which was far more difficult than he was expecting. The pull he felt towards you was too strong for him to resist for long, and after a while he gave in. There is a serenity to your presence that he craved, and you were all too happy to indulge him. You always had a smile for him, unbeknownst to him at the time– you were drawn to him as well. He scoffs at the idea of soulmates but you’ll argue about it to this day! 

You bring a sense of stability to the shop, and his life in general, one that he hadn’t experienced since before his mother’s death. He still can’t quite grasp the fact that, despite everything he’s done in his life, you can still love him. You deem him worthy of your love, and he’ll never disappoint you. 

When you told him that you had fallen pregnant; he was terrified. He and Nero were on decent terms by that point, but he still beat himself up for not being there for his first son. The thought of history possibly repeating itself filled him with a type of fear he had never experienced before. You had to talk him down from the verge of a panic attack, hands gently cradling his face, thumbs brushing over his cheeks. “You deserve to be happy, Vergil,” you said with so much love in your voice. “And our baby will adore you.”

He was extremely overprotective during your pregnancy, and obsessed over your health. He read every book he could find on pregnancies and babies, he didn’t want any surprises– everything had to go as smoothly as possible. 

You gave birth to a daughter, a tiny baby with your features but the same shock of snow white hair as her father. 

Nero was a bit freaked out by your relationship at first, he’d worked with you for years— even considered you a friend. And now you were in a relationship with his father and having a baby? His half sibling? He came around, thankfully, and is more than happy for the both of you. Standing outside of the hospital room while you and the baby were being checked over, Nero slapped a hand on his father’s shoulder, “Congrats, man!” He grinned at the baby through the window facing into the room. “Don’t fuck it up.”

You’re a natural at caring for your child, and Vergil’s favourite thing in this entire world is seeing you both happy. Nothing makes his heart flutter more than seeing you standing in the middle of the nursery with your daughter held in your arms, rocking her gently and humming a sweet lullaby under your breath. He recalls a time when his own mother would do the same for him and Dante, even when they insisted they were too old for her to be singing to them. He understands now why she ignored them. Your child will always be your baby, no matter how old she gets. Her big blue eyes slowly drift closed, reluctant but too tired to resist the allure of sleep.

Vergil waits until you lay your daughter into her crib before pulling you into an embrace, leaning in to capture your lips in a passionate kiss. He has everything he could ever want, and he promises that he will not fuck this up. 

Nero

Nero doesn’t remember a time in his life without you. You grew up together in Fortuna, for a long time it was just you two against the world. Nero never understood how you could always be such a lovely person when you were treated so awfully by everyone around you, but now he knows it’s just who you are. You don’t have a mean bone in your body. You were the type of child to rescue cats from trees and nurse injured birds back to health, and Nero often accompanied you on these righteous ventures– even when he pretended to be doing so reluctantly. Your kindness is what made Nero fall in love with you. Even at such a young age he knew you were special. When his arm changed, becoming suspiciously demon-like, you didn’t judge him and even helped him conceal his transformation from everyone else. There was no big confession between you, you just clicked together like two pieces of a puzzle. The transition between friends and lovers was fuzzy and neither of you can actually tell when you got from A to B. 

But that’s okay, because as far as you’re concerned– there hasn’t ever been a moment that you weren’t together. Nero doesn’t know what he’d do without you, every little thing you do fills his soul with pure glee. Some say that the idea of soulmates is silly, Nero heavily disagrees! There are times when he wonders if you would be better off with someone else, someone who lived a safe, normal life. But you don’t want that person. You want Nero. 

You two planned your pregnancy, deciding it was time to expand your family. He was with you through every step, every hardship and milestone. You heard the words “How are you feeling?” “Are you okay?” a lot. He was so worried about you, and his unborn child, as most first time parents are. He was incredibly thoughtful and did his best to lessen your stress levels but he also trusted you to know your own limits when it comes to working and household chores. 

You went into labour while he was out on a job with Dante, he’d been working more in order to put some money away for when the baby was born. Nero was borderline hysterical, too panicked to even begin to think on what his next actions should be. Dante had to take him by the shoulders and shake some sense into him, “Get it together, kid!” He sent Nero on his way back to you with a promise to take care of the job solo then meet him afterwards at the hospital.

By the time Nero gets to you, you are sitting up in your hospital bed, a tiny bundle of blue blankets in your arms. You cooed at your son, watching over him with just the softest look on your face. Nero’s legs felt weak as he stumbled over to you, unable to tear his focus away from the tiny, white haired, baby. His baby, that he shared with you. 

He takes time off work to care for you and your son, the two most important things in his life. He has money stashed away so you won’t be struggling financially, but even when you have recovered and are able to easily function on your own, he’s reluctant to leave you alone. He’s always been fiercely protective of the people he loves, being a father has awoken a level of overprotectiveness that you didn’t even think possible. He’s an absolute mother hen. Nico honestly gets kind of sick of his constant worrying, she’s the one that gets him to “Yo, chill the fuck out” and give you some room to breathe. You appreciate his concern, of course, but his smothering was getting a little overwhelming! 

He treasures every moment with your son, and his favourite times are when you sing him to sleep. You really are like an angel in those moments, sent from the heavens to bless every human you come into contact with. He’s blessed to have such a loving, kind and patient life partner.

~ 🖤

[ayamturd]

trapped│bench trio hc

warnings: mentions of imprisonment, exhaustion, ranboo lore, angst

prompt: (requested) “can i request a platonic!bench trio x teen!reader (individually) where they find out you got trapped in the prison with dream?”

pairings: in-game platonic! tubbo, tommyinnit, ranboo

a/n: i tried to experiment with writing more dialogue for this hc, pls feel free to always give feedback!

wc: (1.6k) - m.list

tubbo - 

“No.”

“Tubbo, I’m so sorry but i-”

“You’re wrong,” Tubbo cuts Sam off, shaking his head widely in refusal to the news. He slowly backs away as Sam tries to approach him. “They’re not- no. They can’t be, Sam, there must be some mistake.”

Sam is at a loss, his concern for the boy present, and attempts to raise his hands cautiously out with soft eyes; Tubbo is in panic, and he needs him to calm down.

“Tubbo…”

“I just saw them yesterday, surely-”

“Tubbo, please.”

Tubbo would refuse to accept that fact for what it was

can’t stand to look at the prison, the sight of it haunting him

will ignore the topic altogether and try to change the conversation if someone mentioned you

if they were persistent and didn’t pick up on the fact that he didn’t want to think about it, he’d snap

people always assume that Tubbo is a happy, emotionally driven person; while they’re not completely wrong, he’s extremely closed off to his trauma and knows how to put up a convincing front

that being said, the idea of you trapped with someone who is at the core of his past pain is unsettling to him

he’s trying but failing to pretend like everything’s okay, because everything’s not okay and he feels helpless to the idea that he might be at fault for it all again

make no mistake, he does care for you, but the fact that he cares so much makes it where he doesn’t want to believe something so awful can be true

Ranboo will quickly pick up on what he’s trying to do, and will go along with it for his sake; everyone deals with their trauma and hard news differently, Tubbo especially

Tommy, however, is too upset to notice and reacts impulsively to Tubbo’s reaction

they both clash: Tubbo refusing to address what happen, and Tommy emotionally sensitive when believing Tubbo doesn’t care

his anxieties would build up until one day he just falls apart

“Tubbo?”

They had been walking and collecting more material for their most recent build when Tubbo stopped, Ranboo pausing once realizing he had fallen behind. 

“Tubbo, what’s wrong?” Following his line of sight, Ranboo sighed once seeing your house; despite looking untouched in the time you’ve been gone, something just felt off when knowing you weren’t there. Ranboo patted his shoulder gently before tugging him away.

“Let’s go, man. They’re probably out right now.” There was a beat of silence, and Tubbo eventually responded in a weak voice. 

“No.” Ranboo picked up on the hostility in his tone and spoke with caution to his obvious upset.

“...Tubbo?”

“They’re gone,” Tubbo croaked, tears leaking from the corner of his eyes as he bit his lip roughly. Ranboo tried to console him, but it didn’t help stop the pain. “They’re trapped and I- I just can’t…”

Ranboo was at a loss for words, for Tubbo couldn’t hold it in any longer. 

he misses you, and doesn’t want to accept that there’s a reason he should miss you

tommy - 

“You’re lying.” Ranboo glanced down, his fingers fidgeting together harshly as he struggled to come to terms with the news himself.

“I’m not,” he mumbled, his voice weak in comparison to Tommy’s usual blunt tone. “I’m sorry but it’s the truth.”

Tommy’s breathing hitched from Ranboo’s words, the truth quite evident in his wavering tone and the fact that this was no joking manner. 

Eyes wide, Tommy was frozen to the truth and fear that slowly washed over him, life practically spitting in his face for how cruel the world could truly be to those young on the smp. 

“I know this is really hard to process but we have to be hopeful that everything will turn out okay-” With a shove to Ranboo’s outreached hand, Tommy turned and bolted away, his emotions running high and the situation too painful to admit. There was no ‘okay’ in this reality, you were stuck with Dream and they couldn’t do anything about it. 

Tommy was angry to say the least

he channeled his fear into his drive, but knowing you were trapped with the manic that broke him down and manipulated him for weeks on end completely offset his focus

he didn’t want sympathy, he wanted to get you out of the damn prison

while he’s usually caring to how others may feel and adjust his attitude to them, he couldn’t care much besides the amount of anger he manifested

he’d snap at anyone that tried to console him, yell at others that seemed like they showed no real concern over your absence, and most of all, he’d blame those that tried to downplay the situation

Sam was the center of his rage; Tommy couldn’t stand the thought that Sam sat there and possibly did nothing to prevent your current state

Tommy would close himself off and push everyone away; it felt wrong to act like nothing was wrong when you weren’t there

he can’t stand the idea that everyone’s okay when you’re not, and it follows him to the point where he wishes he was in your place instead 

“Tommy.” Puffy’s stern voice startled him, and he flinched with tired eyes from his spot above on the small hill. 

“You shouldn’t torture yourself like this.” 

Tommy clenched his jaw from her words, her concern valid but useless to his main reason standing watch over the prison. With a shake to his head, he tried to wave her off. 

“I’m not,” he mumbled, “I need to be here.” With a sigh, Puffy crouched down next to him and moved his chin towards her, eyebrows furrowed as she took in his tired eyes and the bags that hung beneath them. He was pushing himself too much. 

“But you don’t, Tommy. You shouldn’t be the one to burden yourself like this.” Trembling lips and narrowed eyes, Tommy broke down. Puffy was quick to grab hold of him, trying to steady his distraught state when he lost his footing. 

“Why couldn’t it have been me?” he cried, his eyes squeezed shut as he dug his head deeper into Puffy’s arms. “Why isn’t it me?”

Puffy couldn’t do anything but squeeze the boy tighter. 

Tommy was a force to be reckoned with when things involve his friends, and the fact that he couldn’t help you essentially tore him to bits

ranboo - 

“Are you alright, Ranboo?” 

Ranboo looks ahead, but avoids Sam’s wavering eyes as indelicately as he can. He doesn’t want to show his real emotions to the news; he doesn’t want Sam to feel worse for the situation as is. 

“Y-yeah, yeah, I’ll be alright. Mhm.” Nodding stiffly, Ranboo’s voice pitches higher than what it usually is, but he pretends it doesn’t faze him while rubbing his hands anxiously together. 

His head snaps up when Sam speaks, his ears twitching once recognizing the painful guilt in the creeper hybrid’s voice. 

“I’m sorry, I’m really sorry I let this happen.”

“It’s okay, Sam. I don’t blame you.”

While Ranboo chose not to look directly at Sam, he emphasized his point a final time, his thoughts lost in thought of the real guilty party.

“I don’t blame you at all.”

oh Ranboo

he would be concerned for other’s reactions to the news, first and foremost

he’s the type of person to put people above his own needs, he puts other’s take on the news before his own

will comfort Tubbo to the best of his abilities by distracting him

though Tommy tries to push everyone away, Ranboo will find ways to help, whether that be letting him yell his heart out when he’s upset or putting a blanket over him when he passes out after watching the prison overnight

you were one of the few people that understood his main values and always treated him well; he’s close to you, and would have probably told you about Dream’s internal torment over him

because of this, knowing that you were trapped with Dream made him feel like he had some involvement with it, that he’s at fault somehow

he puts others before him because he feels guilty, like he needs to redeem others for something he possibly did

no one knows of your status, of how you’re doing in there alone with Dream, but he fears the worst and rattles himself down to the bone

when he’s with Tubbo, he’s able to play along and put up a front too: pretend nothing is wrong and not be faulted for it

but when he’s alone, he’s spiraling and has no one there to wake him up

“I let this happen.” Ranboo was pacing, his voice echoing in the dimly light room while his thoughts rang loudly in his head. He could stand still, for he was too anxious and unnerved by the recent events.

“I’m the reason, I’m the reason they’re trapped. I did this.” 

Lifting his hands to his head, Ranboo began to pull at his hair, pushing pressure to the stress he had created upon himself. Before he could demean himself further, however, another voice spoke up. One familiar and one thought gone.

“You’re right Ranboo.”

Pausing, Ranboo froze in horror to Dream’s taunting statement. He pushed his hands against his ears, desperate for the voice to go away.

“No…”

“You did this to them, and they’re stuck with me now.”

“N⍜”

“Can you hear their screams?”

“⌇⏁⍜⌿ ⟟⏁.”

“They’re mine to play with. Because of you.”

“⏚⟒☊⏃⎍⌇⟒ ⍜⎎ ⋔⟒. ⟟⏁'⌇ ⋔⊬ ⎎⏃⎍⌰⏁, ⟟⏁'⌇ ⋔⊬ ⎎⏃⎍⌰⏁, ⟟⏁'⌇ ⋔⊬ ⎎⏃⎍⌰⏁ ⟟⏁'⌇ ⋔⊬ ⎎⏃⎍⌰⏁-”

people are more important than any goal or belief, and Ranboo stands by this when he vows to end Dream himself

[tetsuwhore]

𝐀𝐫𝐠𝐮𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐬 (𝐊𝐮𝐫𝐨𝐨, 𝐎𝐢𝐤𝐚𝐰𝐚, 𝐓𝐬𝐮𝐤𝐢𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐦𝐚)

Description: Argument headcanons + how the boys react when you get especially upset during a fight

Pairings: Kuroo Tetsurou x Reader, Oikawa Tooru x Reader, Tsukishima Kei x Reader

Warning: arguments, yelling, mentions of insecurities

when it comes to helping people, Kuroo’s method of encouragement can sometimes be a little…  aggressive. his approach is to agitate them, making them question their motivations and regroup their strategy to whatever problem they’re facing

(an example being his comment that irked Tsukishima during the Tokyo training arc)

while Kuroo is good at weaseling out a person’s motivators and insecurities, and then using that information to push them into doing better, he sometimes neglects considering that some people may not respond well to being provoked into action

this could potentially lead to arguments if this approach doesn’t work for you

irritated anger - Kuroo tries to remain calm and keep his voice steady. however, if the argument goes on for too long, he may start to feel like you two are running in circles. this is when he gets frustrated and snappy

when he realizes the extent of just how upset you are by his words, it’s like a wake up call. he never wants to be the reason you’re hurting, and will immediately shift to ‘comforting boyfriend’ mode

“is it okay if i hold you?”

always asks for permission before touching you. he realizes that some people don’t respond well to physical touch when upset, so he’ll understand if you decline his offer

if you accept, he’ll scoop you up and hold you in his arms for as long as you’ll allow him. he’ll whisper sweet nothings in your ear while gently caressing your hair and planting soft kisses on your forehead

putting aside who was at fault in the context of the actual argument, he will still 100% apologize for upsetting you with his words

Oikawa has many, many insecurities that often cloud his mind, and as they built up over time, they led to him developing a persistent feeling of inferiority

like the incident with Kageyama, this can lead to him lashing out at people who have no true fault in the matter. this includes people closest to him, such as his s/o

explosive anger - he’s one to bottle his feelings up and wait until he’s on the brink of mental exhaustion to finally let them out. this means that his frustration bubbles rapidly, and it leads to him becoming quite loud during fights

even if you’re calm, he’ll end up raising his voice because in the heat of the moment, he justifies it as a valid way to get his point across 

if the argument turns sour enough that you start getting upset, it’ll likely take him a minute to process that he needs to cut the shit and regain composure for your sake

but if you cry? this boy will 100% start crying with you

unlike the other two, all thoughts about personal space fly out the window. he’ll immediately pull you into a warm hug and cling to you for hours afterward

when you two go to sleep, his hold on you will be tighter than usual - he needs reassurance that he hasn’t driven you away, and keeping you close does just that

“please, don’t let me push you away. i need you.”

Oikawa’s stubborn streak means that he has a hard time apologizing right away. still, the guilt will eat at him the longer he waits, and eventually, he’ll just suck it up and ask for your forgiveness

because ultimately, his relationship with you will take priority over his pride

of course, with this salt boy, his comments can be a little grating and may lead to small fights if they happen to agitate some of your insecurities

but a common argument that likely to show up is when it comes to you offering him advice or attempting to help him with his problems

Tsukishima appears to be someone who upholds the philosophy that his problems are his own to deal with. therefore, he may not be very appreciative of interference from other people, even if he realizes that it’s coming from a good place

cold anger - he’ll spit out something about how you’re being a tad bit ‘presumptuous’ of his situation and ‘nagging’ him with advice that he didn’t ask for. his voice will be low, but the viciousness behind it can be very hurtful

if you start getting antsy, or worse, teary-eyed, he’ll know it’s time to cool down. Tsukishima won’t forget that he’s still annoyed with you, but he’ll realize that your mental-wellbeing takes priority over winning a petty argument

after fights, he usually prefers keeping a distance for a while so you two have some time to cool off. that way, you’ll be able to hold a more rational discussion about the issue when you guys have had the chance to calm down

but if he knows you’re already very upset, he’ll choose to remain close to you

“i’m not going anywhere. i’m here.”

Tsukishima won’t try to initiate any kind of immediate physical affection. instead, he’ll simply sit next to you, leaving enough space but still reassuring you that he’s there to listen

will quietly allow you to talk about what he said that upset you. he probably won’t apologize, at least not immediately. however, he will make a mental note of what you say and keep it in mind so he can avoid repeats of such incidents

after all has been said, you two will sit together in silence, reveling in the quiet comfort of each other’s presence

[no--envies]

I’ve always wanted to write something on how Jin Guangyao describes the events of Wei Wuxian’s downfall in the Guanyin Temple, since it isn’t talked about enough.

Jin Guangyao did a lot of despicable things, but he has a keen perception of the things that happen around him and is really good at analysing situations. He displays such skills in the Guanyin Temple, after everyone found out that the culprit behind Jin Zixun’s curse - what started the chain of events that led to Jin Zixuan’s death and everything that followed until the first siege of the Burial Mounds - was Su She.

Firstly, Jin Guangyao illustrates Wei Wuxian’s role in his own fall from grace, presenting his downfall as something that would have happened anyway sooner or later regardless of Su She’s actions:

As he laughed, Wei WuXian’s eyes reddened. He mocked, whether at himself or otherwise, “I can’t believe it’s because of someone like you… because of such a ridiculous reason!”

But Jin GuangYao seemed like he knew what he thought, “Young Master Wei, you really shouldn’t think like this.”

Wei WuXian, “Oh? You know what I think?”

Jin GuangYao, “Of course. It’s quite easy. You’re definitely thinking about how unfortunate you are. In reality, you’re not. Even if Su She didn’t curse Jin ZiXun, Mr. Wei, you’d receive a siege sooner or later, because of some other reason.” He smiled, “Because that’s what kind of a person you are. At best, you’re the untamed hero; at worst, you offend people wherever you go. Unless all those whom you’ve offended lived their lives safely, as soon as something happened to them or someone did something to them, the first person they suspect would be you and the first person they seek revenge on would also you. And this is something you have no control over.”

Somehow, Wei WuXian smiled, “What should I do? For some reason, I think you make a lot of sense.”

Jin GuangYao, “And even if you didn’t lose control at the Qiongqi Path, could you guarantee you didn’t lose control sometime in the rest of your life? Thus, someone like you is destined to have a short life. You see? Doesn’t it feel a lot better if you think about it this way?”

(Chapter 104, ExR translation)

Jin Guangyao portrays the events leading to Wei Wuxian’s death as inevitable given his circumstances. On one hand, Wei Wuxian was the “untamed hero”, who always did the right thing without caring for his own reputation and without considering gains and losses. On the other hand, he made enemies wherever he went because he was unafraid to speak his mind and stand out against public opinion, even when he knew doing so would put a target on his back. While this is what makes him the hero we all love and admire, it’s what made him become a target of the sects’ hypocrisy, classism and self-righteousness. Wei Wuxian himself acknowledges there is some truth to what Jin Guangyao is saying, because he’s aware that his own attitude and personality made him disliked and judged by many.

Jin Guangyao is the kind of person who always tries to deflect blame when he does something wrong, either by claiming he didn’t have a choice or by highlighting other people’s responsibility. He’s a master manipulator: his words are so convincing because there’s always some truth in them.

After this exchange, Jiang Cheng attacks Jin Guangyao blaming him for everything that happened and calling him “son of a prostitute”, to which Jin Guangyao counterattacks by describing Jiang Cheng’s role in his shixiong’s downfall:

Hearing the words ‘son of a prostitute’, Jin GuangYao’s smile froze for an instant.

He looked toward Jiang Cheng. After some thought, he began in a lukewarm tone, “Sect Leader Jiang, calm down a bit, won’t you? I understand what you’re feeling right now. You’re in such a terrible mood only because you know the truth behind your golden core. When you think back on what you did all these years, your proud heart feels a tinge of guilt, and so you’re anxious to find a culprit for what happened to Young Master Wei in his past life, a villain onto whom you can push all liability. Then, you’d lash out at him, both in vengeance for Young Master Wei and to ease some of your burden.

“If being determined that everything from the Hundred Holes curse to the attack at the Qiongqi Path was part of my singlehanded scheme would ease your troubles, then feel free to think whatever you please. But what you have to understand is that, for what happened to Young Master Wei in the end, you are responsible too and in fact, you are very much so. Why did so many people crusade against the YiLing Patriarch? Why did they shout their support, no matter if they were involved or not? Why was he one-sidedly condemned by so many? Was it really their sense of justice? Of course not. A part of the reason is you.”

Jiang Cheng laughed coldly. Lan XiChen knew Jin GuangYao was going to start calling white black again. He shouted in a hushed voice, “Sect Leader Jin!”

Jin GuangYao wasn’t swayed, continuing with a smile, “… Back then, the LanlingJin Sect, the QingheNie Sect, and the GusuLan Sect had already finished fighting over the biggest share. The rest could only get some small shrimps. You, on the other hand, had just rebuilt Lotus Pier and behind you was the YiLing Patriarch, Wei WuXian, the danger of whom was immeasurable. Do you think the other sects would like to see a young sect leader who was so advantaged? Luckily, you didn’t seem to be on good terms with your shixiong, and since everyone thought there was an opportunity, of course they’d add fuels to your fire if they could. No matter what, to weaken the YunmengJiang Sect was to strengthen themselves. Sect Leader Jiang, if only your attitude towards your shixiong was just a bit better, showing everyone that your bond was too strong to be broken for them to have a chance, or if you exhibited just a bit more tolerance after what happened, things wouldn’t have become what they were. Oh, speaking of it, you were also a main force of the siege at Burial Mound…”

Wei WuXian, “Looks like being called the son of a prostitute is really Sect Leader Jin’s weak spot. No wonder you killed ChiFeng-Zun.”

Jin Guangyao’s main purpose here was hurting Jiang Cheng’s pride in retaliation for his insult, but what he said isn’t false. In fact, putting both of his descriptions together we get a pretty accurate picture of all the factors that contributed to Wei Wuxian’s downfall.

Given Wei Wuxian’s circumstances and personality - his cultivation method, his brash attitude, his actions that went against public opinion - it was just a matter of time before people started criticizing him and tarnishing his reputation, often driven by their envy and self-interest. Jin Guangshan’s greed and ambition also played a big part, since he succeded in adding fuel to the flames to make the rest of the cultivation world turn against Wei Wuxian, so that he could get his hands on the Tiger Seal and Wei Wuxian’s manuscripts. Besides helping his father in his fabrications, Jin Guangyao took advantage of Jin Zixun’s curse to set up the situation that caused Wei Wuxian’s loss of control at Qiongqi Path, which was the turning point that made the cultivation world’s diffidence toward Wei Wuxian turn into open hostility and convinced them that he was an actual threat to them all.

In this complex situation, Jiang Cheng himself wasn’t blameless and his actions impacted the events quite a lot. Not only his attitude made clear to everyone how fragile and strained his relationship with Wei Wuxian was, but it took almost nothing for Jin Guangshan to convince him to abandon his shixiong. Jiang Cheng’s position in the cultivation world wasn’t actually that vulnerable at the time: if he had managed to have Lan Xichen and Nie Mingjue on his side he could have swayed public opinion in Wei Wuxian’s favor. The only thing he needed to do was show more conviction when he tried to speak up for him and actually explain the real extent of the debt of gratitude both he and Wei Wuxian owed to the Wen siblings. Without Wen Ning and Wen Qing’s help, the Jiang Sect wouldn’t even exist anymore. Given the importance of debts in the universe of MDZS, Lan Xichen and Nie Mingjue would have surely been more inclined to believe Wei Wuxian hadn’t freed the Wen remnants and killed several guards because his demonic cultivation was corrupting him, but because he had a very good reason to take revenge.

I tend to find Jin Guangyao’s words quite interesting because he’s often right in his evaluations. It’s not his perception that is flawed, but the way he reacts to the things that happen to him and his habit of bottling up his emotions and remembering all the wrongdoings he received from others, instead of letting them go and focusing on the good things in his life. This is one of the main themes of the novel and makes Jin Guangyao a very interesting foil for Wei Wuxian, since Wei Wuxian’s willingness to leave all his grudges and negative feelings in the past is what allowed him to have his happy ending, while Jin Guangyao’s inability to do so was what ultimately ruined him.

[whumpwillow]

I posted 5,374 times in 2021

843 posts created (16%)

4531 posts reblogged (84%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 5.4 posts.

I added 10,601 tags in 2021

#whump - 3718 posts

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Longest Tag: 139 characters

#but yeah like if a character ever noncons somebody like that’s it. game over. there’s no way i will like that character ever no matter what

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

villain-adjacent tropes i like 

Tragic Villain – completely aware of their evil but takes little to no pleasure from it and could very well resent the evil they are committing

Noble Demon – a character who will proudly declare themselves evil, but still finds themselves doing good once in a while

Reluctant Monster — The Reluctant Monster usually has no idea that they’re a monster at all. They are often a member of a species that traditionally does nasty things to people, but that is not in their own personal nature 

Broken Ace – A character who is handsome, popular, and mature, but it's a front he's viciously maintaining to mask the fact that his self-loathing has reached the level of dangerous unbalance

Affably Evil – A villain who is actually amiable and nice in spite of their intentions

Dark Is Not Evil – A character who looks sinister but is actually good.

Defeat as Backstory: A character suffered a defeat sometime before the main events of the story.

Sympathetic Murder Backstory: A character once killed someone, but for sympathetic reasons—still, they carry guilt over it.

Start of Darkness: A prequel about how the villain came to be who they are.

Being Tortured Makes You Evil: Tortured into evilness. A character who undergoes prolonged torture gives up on their ideals and morality and joins Team Evil.

Face of an Angel, Mind of a Demon: A character is adorable on the outside, but evil on the inside.

Face–Monster Turn: Being forced to turn evil by factors beyond one's own free will.

Forced into Evil: A character does evil deeds because someone or something else is giving them no other choice.

Tragic Monster: A character is transformed into a dangerous monster and is miserable because of it.

Used to Be a Sweet Kid: A villain or jerk was a lot nicer when they were younger, but something happened that caused them to grow up to be the bad person they are today.

Villainous Breakdown: The villain reacts to defeat by having a psychotic meltdown.

Never Be Hurt Again: fairly common stock motivation, in which characters who have been abused, betrayed, mistreated or otherwise persecuted in the past are acting to make sure that this sort of thing never happens to them again

Driven to Villainy:  A broken shell of a human being, warped by events around them, and forced into villainy by forces outside their control. 

Fallen Hero: used to be a hero

Jerk-to-Nice-Guy Plot: A plot where a character starts off as a Jerkass, but events change him into a Nice Guy.

Misery Builds Character: Having a character go through absolute hell as a way to strengthen them.

Once Done, Never Forgotten: A character has done something in the past that no one will forget — or let them forget.

Forgiven, but Not Forgotten: just because people forgive doesn't necessarily mean they will move on. They may hear that they are trying to change their ways, but is still not good enough to make them completely happy again. 

Reformed, but Rejected: desire of the character to leave his evil ways in the past is completely genuine — but the hero still refuses to be "fooled." All he wants is a chance at a normal honest life. It's getting people to give him that chance that presents a problem.

Reformed, but Not Tamed: Now genuinely on the side of good, but they retain characteristics or methods that they used when they were evil.

all found on tvtropes.com

613 notes • Posted 2021-11-17 23:27:24 GMT

#4

the ‘awkward villain roommate’ trope

okay let me explain. the villain has been mostly redeemed. or is at the very least, trying. they’ve given up their evil lifestyle, gone to live with the hero team, started to see the error of their ways and reflect on their past mistakes, but...it’s still awkward for them to be around everyone.

These are people they’ve hurt before. These are people the villain knows don’t trust them. Villain is pretty sure the team doesn’t even want them there.

Villain tip-toes around the house, trying to be as quiet as possible. Don’t scare anyone. Don’t be a nuisance.

The team watches their every move, waiting for the moment they’ll snap. As if they could revert back to their old ways, as if they could possibly harm the people who took them in at their lowest point when they could have killed them.

They walk into a room and the conversation comes to a dead halt. Laughter dies down. The light fades from their eyes.

Villain takes their meals and eats privately in their room from then on, not wanting to disturb the pleasant atmosphere the team has with each other. Not wanting to stand under the withering glares and wary eyes of suspicion and fear.

Villain wants to be a part of their world. Wants to be accepted. To not be seen as a ticking time bomb.

They’re trying. They just don’t know when it will ever be enough.

710 notes • Posted 2021-11-13 07:32:52 GMT

#3

Types of whumpees!

categorized by behavior

some of these might be a bit similar to each other, but I had fun making this list

—

defiant + broken

o   doesn’t want to give in, show they’re in pain, give whumper the satisfaction, but is slowly being broken down and losing their will, their pride, their everything and flinches any time a hand is raised or at the slightest show of violence, though still fights and thrashes at every opportunity

cinnamon roll

o   the innocent pure bean that never did anything wrong, and is now reduced to a crying, pleading, begging mess

completely unprepared

o   similar to cinnamon roll, but not exactly, depending on personality. someone who has never been hurt before and may come from a very high / prestigious position now having to deal with this new station in life, stripping them of pride and dignity and hurting them more than they ever could have imagined they would have to face

puppet

o   obeys every command of the whumper in an effort to escape more pain and maybe sometimes it works…but does it really? The whumpee hates themselves for what they’re doing and others aren’t too fond of them either, though the whumper likes them for their willingness (and how easy they are to exploit)

protector

o   king of self-sacrifice and the one that’s trying to hold everyone together, though they can’t let themselves show their hurts in front of the others because they feel they have to hold up that strong front, leading to them breaking down alone from both the stress and their built-up trauma

chock full of self-loathing

o   what it says on the tin. feels they deserve the pain for whatever reason and is resigned, even accepting or desperate for, the stuff they go through, seeing it as almost necessary or at least, something they should be able to bear

comedian

o   a bit similar to defiant if you go with a more sardonic / dark humor, but someone who copes with the pain through jokes and sarcasm, always got a quip and a one-liner to hide behind instead of revealing their true feelings

optimist

o   kind of a mixture of defiant and cinnamon roll, if that makes sense. someone who wont give up hope no matter what, as a show of defiance, because even if the whumpers can make them scream and beg and plead, they try to keep their optimism as the one last thing that’s truly theirs…but even that is starting to crack.

worshipper

o   someone who is so brainwashed and broken they worship their whumper, they believe the pain is necessary and that it is making them better, or that it is something special only for them

obedient + terrified

o   a whumpee that obeys every command of the whumper’s to escape more pain, perhaps because of conditioning that tells them they must obey or be punished

—

Feel free to add on to the list if you can think of any more! 

1434 notes • Posted 2021-04-08 22:07:20 GMT

#2

is there a better way to show your love for a character than by putting him through unimaginable amounts of pain?

1652 notes • Posted 2021-07-26 22:21:51 GMT

#1

64155 notes • Posted 2021-06-07 23:22:29 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[rumblelibrary]

Back at it again with mysterious anon,

Could I request some Niki angst? You've done one where the reader cheats on James to be with Niki so maybe reader cheats on Niki with James 👀

Muted [Niki Lauda x Reader]

Word count: 2k

Warnings: angst

A/N: This one makes no sense, I just wanted to break my own heart. Little narration, a lot of feelings.

Niki wished to be able to tear his ears off when he heard James sweet talk to you after a pre-season testing. He whispered sweet nothings to you, telling you how he would sweep you off your feet, bring you away to his house in England.

Then things got heated, he started mentioning how he wished to do you this and that. He didn't need to be specific with his words, Niki could easily understand the situation by how y didn't even flinch or tried to deny yourself.

He knew you, he knew you too well.

With him you have always been protective, jealous, proud of your relationship and there was only one way he could imagine you giving in.

You already gave up. He already lost you before that very moment, you slipped through his fingers like water through wood, following every curve and every wrinkle, weakening it from the outside until you got to the inside, opening it up, exposing it.

His jaw clenched, he pulled his cap over his eyes as he marched away.

There was no time to regret, no time to think twice, he had only one thing to do.

Throw the soaked wood away.

You were speechless the moment you came home to find your stuff already dislocated outside the door, your keys completely useless in the brand new locker.

Very Niki: efficient, resolute and without looking back.

You knocked at the door, you waited but there was no answer.

Your eyes darted down onto the simple and effective doormat you brought, or was it already there when you moved in? As you wondered why it had to end like this, you didn't even act surprised, you knew perfectly what you did and you took full responsibility over your actions.

You were no saint in this situation and maybe it was bold of you to just expect confrontation from Niki.

You considered to just leave, even if pained you to go like that, but you were temporary bruiselessp, you knew actions weren’t the most painful weapon in Niki’s arsenal, it was his cut throat way of speaking and in particular when it came to you.

Before you could have the time to realise that it wasn’t a punishment but a chance the door opened. Wild curls and beaming eyes, simple home clothing and steady hands.

He was everything you ever wanted and all you could never achieve.

“Niki” you murmured as you looked at him “Listen”

He looked at you eyebrows up “Oh, no I think I heard enough today between you and Hunt”

“No, no, now you’ll listen”

You paced inside the house quickly to stand in front of him, a visible frown over

your features.

Don’t do it, you ket telling yourself, just leave, just go, don’t confront him, you can’t win.

He was right, you cheated but it was’t pure lust, it wasn’t like you enjoyed to hurt him and hadn’t felt a single beat of guilt, you just wanted him to know that.

“Tell me the truth, were you even serious with me?”

You asked him and the question made him cringe.

“Like what? The doubt made you wish to make sure you will always have a bed to sleep into? We lived together, sounds pretty serious to me, evident if you apply a bit of brain power in it”

You frowned as he was hurt and he was attacking you but he saw you wanted to talk and he smirked shaking his head “What are you doing? Finding a way to put the blame on me?”

“I just want to talk Niki” you groaned but he rolled his eyes

“No, you just want to tell me why you did it”

He was stone cold, maybe you hoped he’d react somehow, maybe a bit, maybe just a bit. And now he was just humiliating you even more. No matter the pain of being cheated on, he wouldn’t let you win that either.

In that moment you realised that your gut feeling was right, you should have just disappeared.

“Go on, how bad can I have been to make you decide it was better to fuck James Hunt?”

“You never cared about me”

It was dry as an answer, you hated yourself forn ot being able to express all you went through now that it was the time, his eyebrows shot up in disbelief and a bit of

sassiness. He was mocking you.

“Didn’t I?”

“No, not when you’re constantly dismissing me, telling me anything I say it is stupid or judging anything I do from your superior being. Anything I did was poorly done, or not the right moment or just not enough for you”

“You’re not stupid, but clearly you need to see everything through your heart shaped eyeglasses, right? You need confirms and words and speeches and big excitement. Well, go play the princess somewhere else, what I offered you will be the only true relationship you’ll ever have, and you know it. I never lied to you, I never cheated on you, I tried to better somebody that liked to stay as she is, that’s my only fault”

“I didn’t want to be somebody else, I just wanted you to care about something, anything that was not your job”

“So fucking around was a better choice to keep your ego up”

“No, but at least somebody would gave a fuck about me”

You snapped back immediately to him, you couldn’t remember the last time

you and Niki had sex, maybe a little shag in the middle of the night but it

felt more like trying to get rid of the tension to fall asleep.

He rolled his eyes like little he cared, his hands opening like you just stated what you had to do:get the fuck out.

That always hurt you: the fact that whenever he seemed driven to you, he would pull you into amazing kisses and heated love sessions but always at his time, his desires. If you ever leaned to kiss his neck or reach for him when he was busy or doing something more important, which was most of the times, he would shrug you off, literally closing the space between his neck and shoulder, stretching his back to get you away.

Not now.

Stop it.

Don't be like this.

You really aren’t good at picking timings, are you?

Those words hunted you day by day, you felt like he didn't need you, like anything you did was wrong, flawed, helplessly meant to annoy him one way or another.

You always seemed to organise dates in the wrong days, to wish to stay lazy at home on the wrong day, to pick the wrong moment, the wrong occasion, the wrong words, the wrong topic.

There were times you even woke up with him, you would sit at the breakfast table with him, not knowing if to engage a conversation or just trying to show him your support. You just wanted to see him even if you didn’t know if he would stay outside for the night or leave for some business meeting or whatnot.

But it was never worth it, it was never enough.

Every time you engaged him for confirms or any kind of formal commitment you always were out of place, out of time.

Your touches denied, no sweet words for your ears. You felt like a shadow beside him, you weren't there for the good and neither fo the bad. You weren't into his thoughts and not even into his hopes.

You grew detached from him, angry, you wished to hurt him even though every time you found yourself staring in his eyes you felt bubbles in your stomach and an happy feeling. A voice in your chest telling you how much you cared, how dear he was to you.

And yet , no fondness was reserved to you, no tender touches or gentle words.

It was just the bare minimum of a relationship.

So it felt natural, terribly natural that when somebody, it was James but you know anyone could have worked it out, gave you the backhand of attention you felt loved and blessed. Did your heart flutter when you saw him? Probably not, but he held your hand, he wanted to spend time with you, he stayed in bed after sex with you, he held you and not just dealt with you. You didn’t feel dumb every second of your day with him.

Because that's how Niki made you feel.

Like you were a burden and you'd gladly relieve him now from that, even if you never wished for it to happen this way.

Not reducing it all to the unstoppable drive of sex, your pain was discarded, once more.

You probably deserved it, you got it in the moment you admitted your weakness to him, the moment you slipped into some other man’s bed instead of facing him.

Or maybe, admit it, maybe you just hoped that he would lose control.

Just once, just one time he would have to put the rest aside and focus only on you.

"Now that you wasted some more of my time" he held the door open and waited.

You felt anger and sadness mixed up, the realisation that even now you couldn't win against him.

You'd never get your point across, you will just be the cheater and he would be right.

The loud slam followed your exit as your eyes dropped onto the couple of luggages belonging to you, all your stuff. You never realised it was so little.

You didn't feel like seeing James, let out friends and family that will give you random hypocritical phrases to cheer you up.

Maybe you'll go to an hotel, maybe you'll just leave.

You wished to change your name, change yourself.

The instinctive thought that crossed your mind made you gag, because for a moment, just a random malicious moment, you imagined how beautiful it could be to start from the beginning with Niki.

And maybe you won't do the same mistakes, maybe you'd be better.

James told you many times that you didn't have a reason to feel less than Niki, but the truth was that after hearing to be wrong, do wrong and act wrong, you begun to believe it.

And as you dragged your stuff t the car and drove off you begun wondering what life could be without Niki and while watching you and your little suitcases he wondered why you have such a small amount of things. He wondered if you have always looked so frail, he wondered if there will ever be an after you.

Or maybe, all hope was leaving with you, you were his Pandora’s box, a box full of all the feelings he prohibited himself to distract him and the hope was leaving with you, hidden tightly in the perfect cage of your chest.

Far from him, safer.

Tagged @cazzyimagines @lieutenantn @handmaiden-of-mischief @thesunflowersutra @zemomybeloved @fictionlandslanddreams@charistory @greeneyedblondie44 @apparrio @hb8301 @whatawildone @rhymerhymerhyme  @thehuiabird @lilith-blackrose @unbeatablecurlgirl @obsidianlaszlo @alindeluce @zemosimp05 @baronesszemo-blackwood @nocapesdahling @everythingbeginsineternity-blog

[mrsgiovanna]

Between guilt and obsession (Yan! Don Giorno x Fem! Reader)

A nonnie mouse asked how would the unhinged Don act if his s/o was almost killed, and this is how I imagined it. I'm sorry in advance my nonnie, 😅😢♥️💕🐞

TW: mentions of injuries, anxiety, yandere themes, implied death.

Word Count: 1.4k

The atmosphere inside the villa was miserable, devoid of any of the joy you usually colored the place with. Giorno, usually found in his study on days that he spent at home, was nowhere to be found either. The harrowing silence was broken by the sound of metal striking the marble flooring as the young Don emerged from the basement, wiping his bloodied hands on a towel, coloring the plush white cotton material red. There was no joy in his eyes, none of the sparkle that was usually there, the emeralds had been clouded over by moss.

Your eyelids felt weighted down as you attempted to pry them open with much difficulty. You realize that the bed you’re lying on doesn’t feel the same as the one you have grown accustomed to. Finally, able to sit up and take in your surroundings, you realized that you were in the main bedroom of the villa- you were in Giorno’s room. Your rooms had an adjoining door separating them, but you always spent most of your time in your own space. Feeling dizzy as you swung your legs off the bed, the events of the day came screaming back to you, and you were panic stricken once again, the only difference was that Giorno wasn’t there to help you manage your emotions- this time you were alone.

It started off like any other normal day… well as normal as could be in your sheltered little world. You were preparing to go out with Giorno when a knock on your door interrupted you while you put on your mascara. Continuing to primp your lashes, you found it odd when you heard the second knock, as the blond would usually just knock once and let himself in, but this time nobody walked in, prompting you to answer the door upon the third knock. Everything happened so quickly, you didn’t have time to react before the enemy’s arm ran through your body, feeling the searing pain and then nothing at all, your vision clouded over seeing a golden glow envelop your body, you were jolted back to lucidity for a moment when the most intense physical pain overtook your body… and then darkness again, the last sound you heard being Giorno’s guttural scream.

Giorno checked to ensure you were still alive, with his guards already having apprehended the offender who, he decided, would be dealt with by him, personally, later on. For now, his main concern was you and ensuring that you were okay. Being driven halfway to insanity by the large blood splatter in your room, he carried your unconscious body to his room. Gently laying you down on the bed, he waited for you to open your eyes once again, knowing that you were going to be inconsolable by anyone other than himself. Just as he predicted, you were in shock, and it took a lot of gentle coaxing to calm you down while he waited for the effects of the adrenalin to wear off, which resulted in you passing out again, this time, in a deep slumber as opposed to being on the precipice of death.

Having seen you teetering so close to demise under his watch, was a personal insult to his entire sense of being, and unfortunately for you both, something in him shattered. Locking you inside his room and further reinforcing the entrance with vines, he starts walking to the basement to deal with the offender, GER materializing next to him, with a similar expression of rage on their face, ready to dole out a punishment worse than death.

With the threats neutralized and security being amplified yet again, there was no longer any imminent danger… other than the damage done to Giorno’s psyche. When he came to unlock the doors and let you out, his entire demeanor had changed, his voice monotonous, and his displays of affection were robotic, as if he was running on autopilot. He had all your things moved from your room to his without entertaining any arguments, permanently sealing off the room that served as a reminder of his shortcomings.

In the days that followed, Giorno became more and more aloof, it seemed paradoxically, that the closer you were in physical proximity to one another, the further your minds drifted from each other. Even though you were ensnared by him under the most questionable circumstances, you grew to care for him, although you wondered if your yearning was exacerbated by the fact that nobody in the villa interacted with you as freely as they once did, due, in no small part, to Giorno no doubt. Knowing the limits to how much of this you could handle you resolved to speak to the young don about this, staying up so you could catch him just before he got into bed after his shower.

You watched him crack the joints in his neck and shoulders with a sigh before pulling on his sleepwear.

“Gio…” you said in a soft voice, not wanting to startle him.

“Oh… (y/n), I thought you were asleep.” He answered you with his back still facing you, getting the last bit of water out of his hair.

“I couldn’t fall asleep… Gio, talk to me… I know you’re not okay,”

“I’m fine,” his curt response annoyed you, but you pushed on with the conversation.

“You’re lying, I know how you usually are, and this isn’t it. Your entire attitude towards me has changed, it’s like you hate me,” saying that struck a nerve, as he stopped drying his hair to turn around and look at you, unsure of how to reply to something so absurd.

“You can’t even deny it… if you hate me so much, then just let me go. Just get rid of me, anything would be better than existing like some wilting rose in an ornate vase,” you were finally able to place the emotion flashing in his eyes, he was angry… still.

“Get rid of you? I see I’ve been too lenient with you…”

“Stop acting like this… You’re not like this… not with me anyway,”

“Clearly, you’ve forgotten who you’re speaking to…”

“I haven’t, but I’m tired of speaking to Don Giovanna, I want to talk to Gio,”

“He’s gone...” He hated doing this to you, but he needed desperately for you to stop goading him. his mind was a mess, he needed comfort from you, hoping you would get his silent hints.

“Oh? Well then, I wonder if he even existed at all?” the tears pricked at your eyes, but you willed them not to fall, not in the middle of this.

“Stop…” Giorno’s voice came out as a whisper.

“Oh? Possessions aren’t supposed to speak, I’m sorry Don Giovanna,”

“Please, (y/n), stop it…”

“What? You don’t like repeating yourself?”

“Why are you provoking me like this? What do you want from me?” shouted Giorno, fisting the mirror he was looking into, causing his knuckles to bleed.

“I want you to let out your frustration about what happened, let it go and move on, or this is going to kill us both… I hate seeing you like this, knowing that this isn’t really who you are, I hate what you’re becoming, and I hate how I react to you when you’re like this!” your tears unfortunately betrayed you and left shiny streams across your cheeks.

Giorno inched his way towards you, a mixture of guilt and sorrow plaguing his heart. He didn’t want this incident to end up affecting you anymore than it already had but his inability to shake off his guilt combined with the austere instructions given to all his staff managed to create a miserable existence for you. Being blinded by his own rage and flashbacks to all the times he wasn’t able to save his precious allies, turned him into the very thing he swore to protect you from.

“(y/n) … bella, I’m sorry… none of this is your fault, and I could never hate you. I…” you saw the light slowly seep back into his eyes, vibrant emeralds regaining their shine, glossy with pent up emotions.

“Shhh, it will be okay,” you gently grasp his bloodied hand, “Why aren’t you fixing this? It looks painful… I know you have the ability to do so” you propose to him, touching the area of own former injury.

Contemplating whether or not to just leave his hand the way it was to serve as a reminder, the expectant look on your face convinced him otherwise, the softest of smiles blooming on your face when the wounds disappeared. It was then that Giorno realized that as much as he had orchestrated your need for him, perhaps he needed you around even more.

[cosmicjoke]

Alright, so onto chapter 2 of “No Regrets”.  

I want to talk a little about these opening panels, when Levi, Furlan and Isabel are being driven to HQ by carriage.  They seem unimportant, but I think they’re actually really important in understanding Levi’s psychology going into this new situation they’re all in.

We see the interior of the carriage, with Levi and the other two, along with an escort from the SC.  Furlan and Isabel are both looking out the window of the carriage, and in particular, Isabel seems incredibly excited and in awe of the passing view.  She’s stood up, with her face pressed to the window.  And in the next panel, we see her looking at a little girl with her mother, dressed nicely and holding a doll.  This really encapsulates everything Isabel herself has probably never had.  A reliable mother to take care of her, fancy clothes and toys to play with.  Essentially, an actual childhood.  We see Isabel’s face in the window, and her mouth is open in wonder, her eyes wide.  Like she can’t believe what she’s seeing.  It emphasizes the depravation and lack of privilege she’s endured all her life.  Meanwhile, by contrast, Levi sits there with his head bowed down, ignoring the passing scenery, looking deeply unhappy, even depressed.  When he does look up though, he sees Isabel looking out the window, and on the close up shot of him, he’s got an almost thoughtful expression, if still extremely dour.  No doubt, Levi is feeling uneasy and uncertain about the situation they’ve all gotten themselves into here, but I’m also sure that he’s unable to ignore the bubbling over excitement of Isabel, her obvious joy in being, at last, on the surface.  I’ll get more into this later in the post, when we see Levi really considering his friends and their dreams, and how it influences and dictates his own decisions.

But first lets talk a little about Erwin and his role in all of this.

Now at the time this series came out, Erwin’s actual, motivating reasons for doing what he does weren’t yet known, so it’s interesting to read into his actions in this story with that context.  I have no doubt that Erwin really DOES care about humanity, and wants to fight for it, and its salvation.  But as we come to learn from the main series, he places his own dream of proving his father right about the existence of human’s beyond the walls above what’s best for humanity, and it puts his actions in this story into an interesting, if harsher light.

No doubt, Erwin is a master manipulator.  He plays both sides expertly against the middle in this story, and I’ll get more into it by the end, when his actual plan is revealed to Levi.  But what I don’t see often discussed is how, exactly, Erwin got all the parts moving in the direction he wanted, to obtain a specific outcome, and how he pretty ruthlessly uses so many people as pawns to do so.  It’s obvious from the context of what we later learn in the story that Erwin first spread a rumor about having evidence against Lovof stealing funds in order to force him into tipping his hand by trying to make a preemptive move.  What I see people miss all the time, or at least, fail to discuss, is how Erwin also, at the same time, made it public knowledge within the Capital, that he would be going after a group of thugs in the Underground who had shown exceptional skill using ODM gear, and that he would be making contact with them as soon as possible to try and enlist them into military service, and how Erwin made these plans public specifically to encourage Lobov into seeking out Levi and his friends for the exact purpose of both implicating Lobov in a crime, and gaining Levi’s and his friends strength for the SC.  One, by hiring a group of criminals to steal from Erwin and attempt to assassinate him, so he could use that as leverage in case he wasn’t able to obtain proof of Lobov’s further criminal activities, thus having two means of getting rid of one of the SC’s biggest threats, and at the same time, also manage to score for the SC the exceptional skill of Levi and his friends through forced enlistment.  He even says to Zackely at one point “I intend to make use of anyone who has even the smallest potential during this expedition.”.  Erwin manipulated and had control of this entire scenario from the start, and from behind these scenes moved all of these people exactly how he wanted to, to achieve his goals.  That’s pretty impressive, but also pretty scary.  Well, I’ll talk more about all of that when we get to it later on.

Back to Levi and his friends though.

We see them arrive at the SC HQ, and a really important conversation happens between Levi and Furlan.  

Furlan seems like he’s almost bitten off more than he can chew here, beginning to express his concern to Levi about what joining the SC actually means, before Levi cuts him off, telling him he’s got no intention of enlisting, and that he only agreed to come along so that he could get closer to Erwin and then kill him.  I think Levi genuinely felt murderous towards Erwin at this point, and really means what he says here, at least about killing him.  Though given the end of chapter 1, with the significant look shared between Levi and Furlan, and Levi’s begrudging acceptance of Erwin’s offer, it’s obvious that Levi also agreed to come because that’s what Furlan wanted him to do, to give them the opportunity they needed.  Levi’s just feeling incredibly emotional here, I think, with the way Erwin treated all of them hot on his mind.  Furlan tries to implore Levi to forget about killing Erwin, that it isn’t necessary anymore because of his own plan, and the almost certainty that Lobov and his people won’t ever try to make contact with them again.  He tells Levi, if he just listens to him and follows his plan, “I know it’ll work.  Trust me, Levi.”  Furlan asking him to trust him pulls a meaningful look from Levi, seeming to break through Levi’s angry insistence on killing Erwin.  This is where the manga improved on Levi’s characterization and motivation by leaps and bounds over the visual novel, because in the next few panels, we see Levi walking away, with Furlan calling after him, concerned, but we get to see Levi’s inner thoughts, and he’s remembering specifically Furlan insisting to him that “one day, we’ll get outta this trash heap and live up above.”  We see Levi thinking about Furlan’s hopes and dreams in these panels, and he has a saddened, and guilt-ridden look on his face, like he feels bad about having dismissed Furlan’s plans back there in favor of his own plans for revenge.  We didn’t get any of this in the visual novel, instead the text there making Levi look like he refused to consider anyones position but his own in this whole situation.  But here, Levi is clearly concerned with and considering Furlan’s desires.  

We go into a flashback then, with Furlan explaining to Levi his plans, telling him that “nothing’s gone according to plan... But with you here we’ll really be able to raise hell.”  Furlan’s trying to explain to Levi that since he now has Levi’s strength to rely on, they can actually get something done once they get into the Survey Corps.  It almost seems like Furlan’s been planning on trying something like this, or at least, had some sort of loose plan about getting to the surface, even before he met Levi.  It’s obviously something he’s been dreaming about for a long time.

Then Isabel comes back, and she’s been roughed up and assaulted, and we learn from Furlan asking her if she went to see those “low-life scumbags again?” that this has obviously happened to her before, that she’s been associating with some bad people and it’s gotten her hurt.  She denies it and lies about having just tripped, but clearly neither Levi or Furlan are buying that.  Levi asks Isabel what happened to her hair, and Isabel reacts badly, running away and hiding in her room.  We get a close up of Levi holding a knife in his hands, foreshadowing his own intentions.  Later that night, Furlan hears Isabel crying in her room, and her chanting to herself over and over that she’s going to “kill you”, presumably meaning the men that hurt her earlier.  Furlan stands there lamenting that he thinks both Levi and Isabel are going “mad”, and that all they can think about is dragging everyone else down to where they are.  He’s obviously terrified that he’s going to lose both his friends to the savagery and ruthlessness of the Underground, that both of them are going to end up becoming lost to their own anger and pain.  He starts to say “That’s why I...” before Levi suddenly comes back in, holding a bloody knife, clearly having returned from exacting revenge on the men who hurt Isabel.  Furlan asks Levi “Did you kill them...?”, and Levi doesn’t answer, but we see a completely resigned, even sad look on his face.  This of course is the world Levi comes from.  It’s the world he was raised in.  A world of kill or be killed.  Levi must have figured, if he didn’t go out and kill those men that had hurt Isabel now, then someday, they would end up going too far with her, and kill her instead.  But Furlan clearly doesn’t understand, and doesn’t relate to that kind of mindset, despite coming from the Underground too.  Of course, Furlan wasn’t raised by Kenny the Ripper either.  This is how Levi was taught to deal with his problems, and Furlan can only see him spiraling into an abyss from which he fears Levi won’t return.

We cut back to the present then, and Levi is sitting up on the roof of the SC HQ, again remembering Furlan’s words about “This is our chance.  Trust me.”.  Getting to the surface and finding better lives for themselves is Furlan’s dream.  The fact that Levi keeps remembering it, keeps remembering Furlan insisting and pushing the idea of the possibility of living on the surface, shows that this is probably something he would talk about all the time with Levi, trying to get him to agree to it, to believe in it.  Once again, Levi is contemplating the hopes and dreams of his friends.  We get another close up of him holding a knife, and it represents, I think, his struggle between his desire for revenge against Erwin, and his desire to help Furlan realize what, to Levi, is probably an unrealistic goal.

We then get Furlan and Isabel joining Levi, commenting on how beautiful the night sky is, and asking Levi how he could keep it to himself.  Levi snips testily at Furlan that him and Isabel are so loud, that he’d be too irritated to get any killing done, and then Furlan looking clearly unsettled by the remark.  But it’s obvious, given the context of the previous panels of Levi’s thinking about Furlan’s dream, that Levi is just being peevish and saying things out of frustration and confusion.  He doesn’t really mean what he says here.  He’s taking his frustration out on Furlan by saying what he knows will upset him the most.  What this also tells us is that Levi is very much aware of how bothered Furlan is by Levi’s willingness to kill.  He isn’t at all oblivious to it, and given his resigned, saddened expression after coming back from killing the men who assaulted Isabel, I would say Levi even understands Furlan’s dismay.  That’s a glimpse at Levi’s famous compassion.

The next panels show the three of them bonding, sitting together and admiring the night sky.  Isabel asks Levi if the stars are as pretty as where he used to live.  I’m just going to chalk the mistake in continuity here up to this manga coming out before, I believe, Levi’s backstory of being born in a brothel in the Underground was established by Isayama.  Regardless of this mistake, this is an important moment between the three of them.  You can see the awe and wonder they all feel, looking up and seeing the sky fully for what has to be the first time in all their lives.  Remember, all three of them have lived literally underground their entire lives, with little to no sunlight, stagnant, stale air, hideously unclean living conditions, etc...  It must be overwhelming to them , just to see nature in all its splendor like that.  It’s after sharing this moment together that Levi tells Furlan that he’s decided he won’t kill Erwin for now.  He looks at him and says “I’m going to trust you.”.  And Furlan smiles at him, clearly happy and relieved.  This scene is really important, because we’re seeing Levi choose Furlan’s dream over his own desire for revenge.  We see Levi place Furlan’s desires over his own, which is totally in line with how Levi is in the main AoT storyline.  He decides his revenge can wait, that it’s not as important as helping Furlan achieve his goals.  What’s particularly remarkable about this, I think, is that it doesn’t appear that Levi ever dreamed of going to the surface himself, and likely that he never even considered it a possibility.  So just like Levi fights, later on, for a world without fear and violence, for humanity’s salvation, even as all his life experiences tell him it likely isn’t possible, we see the Levi doing the same here, deciding to fight for his friend’s dream, even as to him, it seems unrealistic.  It’s obviously a pivotal moment too, when Levi tells him he’s going to trust him, because this ties in hugely with the theme which applies so much to Levi throughout the whole series, of never knowing if it’s better to rely on himself solely, to trust himself, or to trust and rely on his friends and their capabilities.  Levi chooses, here, to trust in his friends, and that will obviously have it’s own ramifications down the line.  Again, this is an area in which the manga improves radically over the visual novel, which had no instances whatsoever of Levi struggling with the question of the choices we make, which is absurd, since it’s one of the driving factors behind who Levi is, and how he ultimately came to see the world as he does.  It was precisely this struggle between choices, between trying to choose correctly, giving so much thought and effort to our choices, and still sometimes coming out wrong, that shaped Levi into being able to accept his lack of control and instead of regretting it, using it to keep fighting.  

Anyway, I’ll get to chapter 3 tomorrow.  

[robininthelabyrinth]

How will nmy react to a memory loss jgy how think himself a nie scet member ?

There were murmurs around him when he first started waking up.

“– last few times – appears he thinks that –”

“– need to avoid any disturbances –”

“ - perhaps pretend -”

“Absolutely not.”

That last one was Sect Leader Nie.

His voice was loud and piercing as always, a general accustomed to needing to make himself heard over the din of battle and never quite having adjusted to situations where it wasn’t needed, and Meng Yao found himself relaxing a little bit just at the sheer familiarity of it. Nie Mingjue was as reliable as the sunrise: once you were one of his people, he’d defend you to the death.

If he was here, Meng Yao was safe.

He went back to sleep.

The next time he woke up, the room was empty but for Sect Leader Nie, who was sitting at the desk doing paperwork. Probably paperwork that Meng Yao should be doing, but for the injury that must have led to all of this – he didn’t remember it at all, but short-term amnesia was a common side effect of certain injuries, and his head was wrapped in bandages.  

Still, he struggled to sit up. “Sect Leader Nie,” he called, and Sect Leader Nie’s shoulders tensed. “If you want my help –”

“You should be resting,” Sect Leader Nie said. He was staring at the wall in front of him instead of turning back to look at Meng Yao – a sign of guilt? Had he been involved in what happened? “Do not trouble yourself.”

“And let you mess up my filing system?” Meng Yao teased lightly, hoping to lighten the mood. “Don’t forget how long it took me to fix the accounts the way I like it –”

“It doesn’t matter.”

Meng Yao paused, then, abruptly concerned: Sect Leader Nie’s shoulders were curved inwards, as if expecting a blow – afraid of pain. Afraid of him?

Impossible.

And yet, at the same time – unmistakable.

“Why doesn’t it matter?” he asked, keeping his voice level. He always kept his voice level, no matter the circumstances; someone certainly had to, and it wasn’t going to be anyone surnamed Nie. “Are you expelling me from your service?”

It was a joke, of course. Nie Mingjue liked him, respected him, valued him – had made it clear a thousand ways that he would never listen to gossip or to slander, would never judge him by who his mother was, and Meng Yao couldn’t imagine what sort of dire mistake would be necessary to make Nie Mingjue refuse to stand by him, even against the world.

“You’re the one who will leave,” Nie Mingjue said, his voice cutting, but then the anger flowed out of his shoulders and he sighed, closing his eyes, as if he had mistakenly become angry over the wrong thing. “It is not that I didn’t know that your ambitions had always been with Lanling, not Qinghe.”

Bile and panic rose up Meng Yao’s throat, but what could he say?

It was true. He had come to Qinghe because he had heard that they respected talent there, regardless of birth; he had come because he had needed a place to rise to prominence, where he could become so respectable that even his father would be unable to ignore him.

Qinghe had always been a waystation, not a destination.

Or, if one wanted to look at it with less kindness – he had treated it as a stepping-stone.

Had Nie Mingjue discovered how Meng Yao had schemed to get his attention, his sympathy? The little tricks he’d played to get him to agree to take a chance on an unknown, all the ways he’d wormed his way into the man’s life so that it would be impossible to extract him without damage? Or was it something more recent, something hidden away in his lost memories – had his father asked him to betray some confidence of Nie Mingjue’s? Turn over some information, take some secret action…had he done it?

Was that why Nie Mingjue didn’t want to look at him?

“Sect Leader Nie…”

“I’m not supposed to talk to you about it,” Nie Mingjue said bluntly. “The doctors told me to play along, pretend not to…I told them trying to hide it from you was pointless, that you were too smart, that you’d figure it out – I assume you have by now?”

“I’ve lost my memory,” Meng Yao said. He was shivering, and it wasn’t cold. “I woke up and the doctors realized that I’d forgotten a great deal, so they wanted you not to cause me any disturbance…how much time have I lost?”

“The war is over,” Nie Mingjue said, and surely that should be cause for celebration? But Nie Mingjue’s voice was flat and neutral, as if some terrible thing had happened, and his fists were clenched in rage. “You have been recognized by the Jin sect, and now live in Lanling. I cannot speak to the quality of your life, or to your happiness, but you have at least achieved that much.”

It was not that Meng Yao thought he’d be happy in Lanling – it was that he hadn’t thought he��d be happy anywhere, and found to his surprise that Qinghe actually did make him happy. It wasn’t supposed to, nothing was supposed to; it was all supposed to be part of the plan, that was all, a means to an end.

He wasn’t supposed to become fond of Sect Leader Nie, who tried so hard and listened so earnestly; he wasn’t supposed to be friends with Nie Huaisang, a charming waste of space who ought to have been born as a roly-poly kitten instead.

He was supposed to be in Lanling, by his father’s side, and now it appeared he was – and yet the injury he suffered had driven his memories back to his time at Qinghe.

That said something, he thought.

He’d had head injuries before, memory issues, dating back to his childhood; his mother had hired a doctor for him over it, a real one and not some faker, and he’d explained that when injured, Meng Yao’s extraordinary mind would retreat to the place it felt safest, recreating the past out of all those perfectly preserved memories and sinking into it as if it were real. If this injury followed the pattern of the others, there was no need for any treatment beyond time – soon enough, he would start to remember, and reality would gradually reassert itself over fantasy.

In the past, no matter what, his memory would always return to those few months when he was eight years old, when his mother had met a possessive benefactor and they had lived free and easy under his care – it had ended horribly, of course, but at the time he didn’t know that.

This time, his memory had returned to his days in Qinghe.

And Nie Mingjue still wouldn’t look at him.

“What did I do?” he asked.

“You assume that you’ve done something?”

“You don’t want to look at me,” Meng Yao said. A moment of silence, with Nie Mingjue not giving in, stiff and quiet, so he added, quietly, “I warned you in the beginning that I was unworthy of the trust you placed in me.”

In the end, Nie Mingjue turned to look at him. He seemed tired, and his eyes were bloodshot in a way that did not speak well of his health.

“Tell me what I did,” Meng Yao said. “I want to know.”

Nie Mingjue exhaled. “You killed a captain,” he said dully. “Premeditated murder, and you excused it by saying that he had stolen your glory and bullied you; even if it was true, you never once said a word of it to me before, never sought some other means to resolve it. You then defected to the Wen sect, becoming a master torturer and Wen Ruohan’s right hand; you killed my men, tortured me, and then killed him to become a war hero. After that, you were accepted into the Jin sect, and Lan Xichen and I swore brotherhood with you.”

He paused, then, but that was not the end, or else he would not be so angry.

Meng Yao waited, his mind dancing over all the excuses, all the things he could say, belated justifications, things that would cast him in a good light, a better light – what Nie Mingjue had described was obviously a problem, but not an insoluble one, and his future self should have known that. He could still fix this.

But to fix it, he needed to know the full extent of his crimes first.

“My qi became disordered after the war,” Nie Mingjue finally said, continuing. “Lan Xichen proposed a treatment: a Lan melody known as the Song of Clarity. But he is busy, so you took on the responsibility of playing for me…”

No, Meng Yao thought. No.

But at once he knew where the story led, even before the telling of it was done. A story that started with premeditated murder, however his future self had justified it to himself, could only end with the same –

Why would he do something like that? Perhaps because Nie Mingjue turned away from him after the first murder, as he ought to have known he would – Nie Mingjue tried so hard, and thought everyone else did, too; the glimpse at what Meng Yao was really like, the creature of spite and bitterness and hatred, willing to kill the filthy way, hidden in the dark…it would have come as a shock to him.

And yet his former self had obviously salvaged it, somehow; Nie Mingjue had agreed to swear brotherhood with him, to make up with him, to treat him as an equal, and still he –

Surely no prize could be worth this.

“Do you know why I did it?” he asked quietly, staring down at his own clenched fists, hating iron for not being steel. His damaged mind was telling him that what he had had in Qinghe was dearer to him than his own mother, and he had nearly destroyed it with his own two hands.

“The Nie sect and the Jin sect are at a crossroads,” Nie Mingjue said, and at last, at last Meng Yao recognized the flatness of his tone and the lack of visible signs of fury as the signs of medicine, the sluggish pain relief that could help stymie an incipient qi deviation. The poisonous song he played must have come very near to working. “Jin Guangshan wants the title of Chief Cultivator; I think there should be none. Jin Guangshan protects Xue Yang even after he murdered an entire clan; I think he deserves to die – I asked you for his head, and you promised it to me…you never intended to deliver. There can be only one sect ascendant, and you are, as much as he hates it, your father’s heir.”

His heir. Had he done something to Jin Zixuan, then? Unsatisfied with only the name he had promised himself he would obtain, had he coveted the power, too, and sought to achieve it by any means possible?

If he had reached the point of being willing to murder Nie Mingjue, then surely he had done that, too.

“I bashed your head in,” Nie Mingjue said conversationally. “During the deviation that you provoked. Lan Xichen stopped me from actually killing you, and from dying myself, and then you awoke without any memory of what you’d done, calling yourself Meng Yao again as if you were still – as if you still –”

Someone had asked Nie Mingjue to come in here and pretend, Meng Yao realized, and with a start realized also that he was furious about it. Someone had told him to come in here and play pretend with his would-be murderer as if they were still friends.

It might even have been Lan Xichen who’d done it.

There were tears on Nie Mingjue’s cheeks. He did not wipe them away the way Nie Huaisang would have, trying to hide his pain; he only let them fall, his eyes sliding shut once more – he could not look at Meng Yao, and Meng Yao couldn’t blame him.

“I wish I could go back,” he said, and Nie Mingjue opened his eyes to look at him. “Before I made those decisions. I wish I was still Meng Yao, and could do things differently. Is it too late for that?”

With anyone else, he would know the answer already. With anyone else, he wouldn’t have asked.

With anyone else, his mind would still be back in those wonderful days of being eight and alone with his mother for the very first time and last time.

“How can I ever trust you again?” Nie Mingjue asked, shaking his head in denial. “You drove me into a qi deviation – you wanted to kill me, knowing it would leave Huaisang the position of sect leader, knowing how cruel a death it was –”

“Is it too late?”

This was not something that could be repaired easily, with words and a gentle smile. This would take action and sacrifice. But before he committed himself, he had to know if it were even possible.

If Nie Mingjue could still forgive him, even now –

If he was still one of Nie Mingjue’s people, to be defended until death.

Nie Mingjue abruptly stood up, unsteady on his feet, clearly still ill – if I am half the murderer that I appear to be in his stories, I will kill those doctors who prioritized my health, this farce, over his, and if Lan Xichen was involved I will make it clear to him what wrong he has done – and shook his head, but this time it was not a denial.

“I never know what to do with you,” he said, and it was not a no.

It was not a no.

Jin Guangyao smiled.

(At the trial, which happened eventually, Nie Mingjue spoke in his favor, and his would-be murderer was remanded into the custody of Qinghe for whatever punishment they saw fit. It didn’t last long, but it was an excellent alibi for his father’s untimely death, even though it did not solve all the questions that lingered in Nie Mingjue’s eyes. But that, too, was not an insoluble problem.)

[caneannabelle]

ok hi guys. it’s been a while. i wrote this analysis back when Mag 187 aka Checking Out aka The One Where Helen Dies first came out and literally ever since i’ve posted it i’ve wanted to redo it because it feels. lacking. listen if there’s one thing i hate it’s incomplete media analysis and i must right my wrongs lest i be forced to look upon myself and crumble from within. that being said, i’ve been putting off this rewrite for a long long time bc Life Gets Weird. tldr this was written over the course of several months so i apologize for inconsistent quality. anyways let’s get into it!

part one: recap!

it’s been a while! let’s just go over what happened. the scene i wanna focus on in particular is this one:

VICTIM

You’ve got to help me!

ARCHIVIST

[Angrily] Don’t touch me!

[THE ARCHIVIST PULLS AWAY, AS THE VICTIM FALLS AND IS CRYING]

HELEN

Oopsie. Not so easy, is it? Keeping up your humanity?

(187).

that being said i’m gonna be kind of all over the place but! i do think that’s a good jumping off point.

part two (part one): disparaging everyone’s problematic fav

in my original post my point was that in reflexively reacting to a victim with disgust and anger jon inadvertently reveals the nature of his dedication to helping victims as ego driven, especially because this line is directly preceded by him asserting his moral high ground over helen as being a “protector” as opposed to her indulgence in destruction. what i’m saying is homeboy has a savior complex. honestly there’s a lot of evidence to support that claim but i think the most obvious example would be jordan kennedy. like.

JORDAN

…Yeah. But wrong. Sick.

What did you do to me?

ARCHIVIST

I helped you.

JORDAN

Helped me? I don’t feel right, I, I just – Ah! No I don’t – argh! I don’t want this!

(184). to be clear it’s an action with a good intent! he just wants to help someone who once helped him! BUT it also demonstrates a lack of conscious empathy. i feel like i don’t have to argue this since jordan Literally vocally said he didn’t want this several times throughout the scene but the point remains that while jon’s intent is good the actual application of his saviourism removes the autonomy of those he affects. i’m not gonna touch on the “is it objectively immoral to become an oppressor for the sake of self preservation while existing within an extreme system in which all are oppressed regardless of your individual status” query mostly because i do not have the brainpower available rn to come to my own conclusion about systems of power and the way they’re represented in tma (which is a whole other rant tbh) but jon DOES rob jordan of the ability to come to his own conclusion in this debate and make his own choice, thereby removing his autonomy. you know. autonomy. free will. the thing that is central to jon’s internal conflicts. huh.

anyways i NEED to stress that i’m not saying that he’s the same as jonah or the web or even annabelle (although annabelle is a victim. no i don’t take constructive criticism). i just want to point out that his actions reflect a lack of understanding. while he’s able to empathize with the pain others experience and is eternally hyper- aware of it he is unable to view that pain through any lense besides his own and uses it in his cycle of self pity and blame, minimizing it at any point possible in the quickest way and Not prioritizing the wishes of the victim but instead the efficiency in decreasing his own guilt. anyways back to 187- both the victim and jordan are treated as props by jon (and helen) and once they serve their purpose in reaffirming the two’s sense of self are cast aside and ignored. ok from here i’m gonna get conceptual and self indulgent bc it’s my analysis and i get to bring up vague convoluted philosophy.

part two (part two): part two

let’s talk about the distortion for a sec. i refuse to believe helen and michael were both completely gone and it was just the distortion piloting their visage, mostly because… like that’s not what the text would indicate

HELEN

Michael isn’t me. Not now.

ARCHIVIST

What happened?

HELEN

He got… distracted. Let feelings that shouldn’t have been his overwhelm me.

Lost my way.

(101). it’s heavily implied that there was SOME remainder of michael in there, even if the being wasn’t him. maybe i’m way off base here but the way i interpreted the implosion of michael was that it was driven by his inability to maintain the repressed resentment and anger he had for gertrude. like it’s pretty clear that some warped version of michael’s feelings were trapped inside of the distortion and i’d go as far as to say that they were integral to his formation as it. i’m gonna operate on the assumption that michael and helen are two separate beings here for a sec even though we know they’re not. As opposed to michael’s resentment for the archivist, helen actively sought refuge in the institute and from the small amount we saw of her Pre-Distortion it seems like her paranoia is internally directed. i think you could even say that while michael was caught in an eternal battle with the concept of connection, helen is caught in a battle with the concept of self. the point is that she thinks of jon in a less “The Archivist” sense and more as just That Guy who she had an intense connection with that one time.

ARCHIVIST

So… S-so what do you want?

HELEN

I don’t know. Helen liked you, so… there’s a lot to consider. But I will help you leave.

(101). i would also like to point out that helen’s emergence as the distortion coincides with jon coming to terms with his identity as the archivist. parallels, baby! SO helen is a newly formed being that is grappling with the concept of her own existence and jon is reevaluating his understanding of identity as he comes to terms with the fact that he is turning into the thing he’s fighting against and this is all happening at the same time. live laugh love. stay with me here, i promise i’ll get back to 187. Throughout seasons 4 and 5 helen attempts to validate her own moral decisions via jon who she once saw herself in. conversely, jon sees both an image of what he could become AND arguably a representation of his past failure in her.

ARCHIVIST

It did. I think… I mean, you remember how I was back then, how paranoid. The Not!Sasha was there, and I could sense something wasn’t right, but I just couldn’t place it. It left me a suspicious wreck. Then when Helen Richardson came in, it seemed like… she was in the same place I was, but worse, further along. I thought, maybe if I could help her, that would mean… maybe I wasn’t beyond help?

(188). helen and jon lie at opposite ends of the same spectrum. both of them derive pleasure from the suffering of others

HELEN

Oh, John! This existence can be wonderful, if you just let it.

ARCHIVIST

[Sadly] I know.

(187). needless to say that a LOT of jon's arc and the themes surrounding him focus on the concept of autonomy and addiction and i think it'd be fair to say that this component is an aspect of that. repressing these qualities is both a way of reaffirming his control and also just.. him trying to be what he perceives as Good, and season 5 is the point at which this comes to the forefront of his character- particularly the line between what is intrinsic and what he truly has control over. a battle of the concept of the self, if you will. while the two share similar traits, jon is intensely moralistic while helen indulges in a twisted sense of hedonism and both are fueled by an inability to expand their viewpoint. helen fully immerses herself within these qualities and intentionally blinds herself to any concepts of morality (indulgence), and jon actively pushes back on this as hard as he can and follows black and white moral framework (repression). this means that in order for their relationship to function he must either accept her, choosing to let go in his personal battle with autonomy OR she must break out of her worldview and conform to standards of human morality which goes against her own nature.

part three: questions i do not have the answer to

so. what does it all mean. WELL. 187 is the boiling point of all this tension. we know that helen relies on jon to validate her sense of self and we know that jon sees himself in helen, both past and present

HELEN

But that doesn’t make any sense. You barely met her. You had half an hour together, and she spent most of that ranting about mazes! She was positively delirious with paranoia!

ARCHIVIST

True. But as you’ll recall, I was pretty paranoid myself at that point.

HELEN

So what? You saw yourself in her? A sad reflection? A possible future?

(187). I’d argue that 187 is demonstrative of jon’s inability to either fall into complete indulgence in intrinsic values that lack moral validity vs. maintain and image of self that does not conflict with the values he attempts to uphold in order to find internal satisfaction and yes both of those concepts are inherently egocentric as he bases his moral judgement on what he can justify to himself instead of what can be calculated via empathy. however. paired with the alternative (helen). is that BAD. is it inherently selfish to do what you perceive as good in order to feed your own savior complex? and if so, is it inherently selfish to indulge in destructive qualities as to not delude yourself? is honesty vs deception a black and white question? if not, where does helen even fall? in not deluding herself does she achieve a moral high ground? IS she deluding herself by denying the potential to be facetiously benevolent at the detriment of both her personal enjoyment and her honesty? does helen even posses the capability to repress her violent qualities? if she doesn't, does she have any autonomy? if she and jon are both inherently selfish and intentionally resistant to introspection, what makes them different? i do not have answers but i do think the text is meant to invoke these questions. i mean,

MICHAEL (STATEMENT)

There was a great evil, she said, and Michael was going to help her fight it. Am I evil, Archivist? Is a thing evil when it simply obeys its own nature? When it embodies its nature? When that nature is created by those which revile it? Perhaps Gertrude believed so. Michael certainly did. He believed everything she told him.

(101).

part 5: conclusion

so once again. what does it all mean. well! even post helen’s death jon continues to fight for autonomy and preserve his moral worldview so. i think that probably indicates something good.

MARTIN

Huh. She couldn’t help what she was, I guess.

ARCHIVIST

She didn’t even try.

(188). i honestly don’t have a thesis i just find it incredibly interesting how the themes surrounding these two intersect and play off of each other. anyways looping back to 187 i do think in a broad sense jon killing helen is representative of him choosing to stick by his convictions and keep fighting. i don’t have any good way to end this but thanks for sticking around during my self indulgent rambling!

[hawkinsschoolcounselor]

“Why do you lie?”: A look at a gay Mike Wheeler

This is a sort of a companion post to Will Byers and Growing Up Gay in the Pre-Internet Era, which I posted last year. I looked into what could have possibly been going on with Will as someone with a gay identity at a time when there was little support. Now I’d like to look at Mike, who would have his own unique challenges towards accepting a positive identity. This isn’t meant to be a post for why Mike is gay, as I (and several others) have already addressed that. Instead, I want to look at some of the psychological processes that may be at work in how Mike develops through the series. I will be treating Mike as if he were a real person, rather than a fictional character, and, so, I will attempt to ignore narrative devices (foreshadowing, parallels, etc.) as much as possible.

“Friends don’t lie” is one of the prevailing messages in Stranger Things. It more or less becomes El’s personal motto, so it ultimately became associated more with her than the person who taught it to her: Mike. Despite attempting to instill this value onto El, Mike himself is shown to have a lot of trouble living up to it. While Mike spends quite a lot of time in Season 3 lying to El, she is not the biggest victim of his lies. No, the one he lies to the most is himself, and he seems to have been doing that since Season 1.

According to the Cass Identity Model, a journey to a positive gay identity requires several steps: confusion, comparison, tolerance, acceptance, pride, and synthesis. This is not a perfect model, but it is one of the better attempts to create a general framework for how it worked for many gay individuals, at least in the time it was created (1979). A general way to look at it is that, at least at the time, individuals would work their way through this process as they engaged with the gay and lesbian community and started to see it as less of a bad thing and more as something to be proud of until it finally becomes just another part of who they are.

As I mentioned in my Will post, there is little opportunity for a kid in Hawkins to engage with the gay and lesbian community. There is no internet, nor is there any (known) place for local gays to gather in Hawkins. This results in the only real mention of homosexuality being the slurs thrown around by school bullies and people like Lonnie. A town like Hawkins would be a very difficult place for a young gay person to grow up. This makes it hard for even the initial stage, confusion, even occurring. Mike has deep feelings for Will, but the confusion stage requires that he acknowledge his feelings as homosexual in nature. Instead, I think Mike has been hiding from his own feelings, and it may not have been until the finale of Season 3 that he finally acknowledged them for the first time. So what comes before the first stage? 

Lies! Well, sort of. Defense mechanisms are how our minds protect us from the anxiety and social consequences of unwanted thoughts and desires. We all use them, unconsciously, to some extent. The next time you come home from a hard day at work and yell at a family member, ask yourself why you’re angry. Odds are it’s nothing the family member did. Getting angry at work can be a risk to your employment, so, instead, you unconsciously find a “safer” target. In this case it’s still bad, but getting forgiveness from a family member is easier than talking a boss into rehiring you. Mike has similar processes going on to protect him from his budding attraction to Will.

It’s impossible to tell when exactly Mike started thinking of Will as more than a friend, even if he doesn’t label the thoughts as such. He already shows an intense concern for Will in Season 1. When the boyish-looking El shows up and provides an opportunity to find Will, Mike risks his friendships to make use of her powers. He also goes over the top in disguising her as, well, a girl. It probably would have been easier to disguise her as a boy, but Mike decided to put a wig and dress on her, and then apply makeup to her. This could be a combination of displacement and reaction formation. Mike is redirecting his feelings for Will onto El, and also making her as obviously female as he can. 

Mike’s bond with El came very quickly, and even caused a rift within the Party. While Dustin and Lucas would come around and value El as a trusted friend, their process with her is more natural than Mike’s rushed, forced relationship with her. Dustin and Lucas had no weird feelings to hide from. Their search for Will contained no unwanted implications, they simply wanted their friend back safe and sound. Still, we would see Mike on the opposite end of this type of interaction in Season 2.

Max is the first “normal” girl to show interest in the Party. Mike reacts to her presence and attempts to join the party with hostility. There is little reason for this, as he was more than willing to allow El to be their friend. He doesn’t truly hate her, and in his own words he can’t hate her as he doesn’t even know her. He simply wants nothing to do with her. His only given reason is that the party is full as it is, which seems to fall flat. It could be that the presence of a girl reminds him of El, but we don’t see him acting hostile to girls in general. It seems, instead, to be his friends’ interest in her that gets Mike to dislike her. While the theory that he is jealous at Will’s interest in Max is intriguing, there isn’t much to go on aside from Will showing a curiosity about her and then letting Dustin and Lucas bring her along for Halloween. Instead, Mike may be projecting here. He shows incredulity that Dustin and Lucas could be so interested in Max despite never having talked to her, suggesting that he thinks getting to know someone is important in regards to being romantically interested. This runs counter to his interactions with El in Season 1. He resents his own behavior, but takes his anger out on his friends and Max instead when he sees them doing something similar.

Mike is very protective of Will throughout Season 2. He also spends a lot of time reaching out to El via his SuperComm, though he admits it’s likely a fruitless effort. His guilt over what has happened to the both of them is another sign of his mixed up feelings for Will and El. On Halloween, Mike and Will open up to each other about how crazy they feel, and they share a smile at the end of a conversation that is arguably a masked love confession. However, as Mike twice brought up El as a part of their conversation, it further reinforces the displacement of Mike’s feelings to her. However, soon after this, Mike finds himself caught up in another Will-related crisis, and El is out of his thoughts until her return at the end of the season.

Mike also shows a lot of willingness to allow himself to be vulnerable with Will in Season 2, something which isn’t seen in his interactions with anyone else. In these moments, Mike’s body language shifts. His tone becomes softer, his head dips slightly, and he peers at Will through his lashes. His aforementioned conversation on Halloween is just one example, but it is also seen when Will is asked if he remembers Mike, when Mike recounts meeting Will as they try to break through to him, when they’re at the movies, and when Will is packing at the end of Season 3. The moment in the shed is perhaps Mike’s most vulnerable moment. He shares a cherished memory, and unashamedly cries while doing so, perhaps even so lost in the moment that he forgets other people are in the room. His feelings, driven into overdrive by the fear of losing Will for good, are beginning to overwhelm him, but he still maintains his “Will behavior.”

This shows an uncharacteristic degree of trust and/or submission. In interactions with other characters, even El, Mike often displays assertive, or even aggressive, tones and stances. Mike doesn’t realize he does this, but we do see him sometimes use similar body language with El, further suggesting that he is redirecting his affections.

Perhaps the biggest moment we see him act this way around El is at the Snow Ball at the end of Season 2. Mike had been having a great time at the dance until Will had gone off to dance. This is strange considering Mike seemed to urge him to go with the girl in the first place. He appears shocked as the pair walks to the dance floor, his mouth agape, and wide eyes staring off into space. This isn’t the body language of someone expressing pride at a friend’s unexpected boldness, but rather it suggests a disturbing revelation. It is at this point that Mike could potentially have moved into the Confusion stage of the Cass model, as he sits on the sidelines (despite Dustin briefly there for company) watching Will dance. Any progress he may have made is instead halted when El arrives unexpectedly. This allows for him to continue using her as an outlet, and gives him a convenient escape from where his thoughts would likely take him.

Season 3 is the first time Mike had to deal with having both El and Will in his life at the same time, and it’s where his defense mechanisms begin to break down. In therapy, the goal is to shine light onto defense mechanisms in order to deconstruct them, so the patient can see and deal with what is actually going on. 

We find out Mike has been largely ignoring his friends and spending most of his time with El. He makes a big show of his relationship with El, including leaving early after Dustin had returned from camp under the false pretense of a curfew. The others don’t buy it, and Mike likely knew this. He wanted them to know he was going off to make out with El. When we actually see them alone, they do indeed make out, but, curiously, Mike twice takes steps to make it less intimate. He stops to sing along to the music, for example, despite El not enjoying it. He also removes El’s hands from her face, leaving them both simply leaning forward at each other without additional contact. There is a suggestion here that Mike is not enjoying what he is doing and limiting just how intimate they get. 

We continue to see his lack of a desire to be close to El. For her part, El shows behavior that could only be considered clingy. It is she who initiates nearly all of their physical contact, and, at one point, she even literally clings to Mike as Dustin is showing off his gadgets. A close inspection shows that Mike is standing with his arms crossed during this, making no active attempt to return the physical contact. None of this physical intimacy is for his own benefit. While being with El means he doesn’t have to worry about his feelings for Will, it does not really allow him to express those feelings to his satisfaction. This may be why he goes on movie “double dates” with Will, Lucas, and Max in between spending time with El. 

The occurrence we see at the movies is clearly not the first due to Steve’s frustrated reaction and their familiarity with his threat. They are late, so there are not enough seats, but there is no hesitation as Mike goes with Will to sit apart from Max and Lucas. Mike is so comfortable with reaching into Will’s bag for the snacks that it suggests it’s happened multiple times before. We also see that, despite his reclusive behavior with El, Mike still has Will on his mind when he asks if Will is ok. His tone again soft, head slightly dipped as he peers up through his lashes. He glances briefly down, possibly at Will’s lips, suggesting he needs to remind himself that it’s not El he’s with at this moment. He is otherwise very content to be “alone” with Will at the movie. 

Mike ultimately needs the relationship with El to protect himself against his feelings for Will, and it all comes to a head when they fight after Will’s attempt at a campaign. Mike’s continuous theatrics lead to not only Hopper forcing him to spend less time with El, but to him getting busted as he allows Lucas to lead him through a plan to get El an apology gift. We later see that he has no difficulties apologizing when he feels he should, so his grand gesture is another sign that his relationship with El is more of a show. He puts up no fight when El dumps him, acting annoyed and accusing Max and El of conspiring against him. He’s hiding from his own complicity in order to avoid acknowledging that it doesn’t really bother him as much as it should. He wants El to come back to him to continue his show, but he can’t do anything about it without confronting his feelings. El leaving didn’t hurt him; it just made him angry. This complicates things for him. It was easier for him to shift his feelings to El when he didn’t actually need to do anything about it.

Will loses it at Mike’s disinterest in his campaign, particularly his attempt to abruptly end it. Mike seems to be trying to be just another too-cool ladies man, and he is disallowing himself to enjoy the game. Still, he can’t bare to have hurt Will, and he chases after him when Will tries to leave. Mike struggles to maintain the lie while trying to placate Will. When Will accuses him of ruining everything to make out with “a stupid girl,” we see Mike lash out, saying it’s not his fault Will doesn’t like girls. While this hurt Will, it was likely another case of projection. Mike hates himself for spending all of his time with El because he doesn’t actually like girls. He can’t even stay angry at Will when he sees how hurt Will was with what he said. He tries to explain that this is just how it needs to be, and he appears sad as Will leaves. Unlike with El, Mike is hurt when he loses Will, and he chased after him to apologize. We don’t actually get to see him apologize, however, as the threat-of-the-season kicks into gear, resulting in Mike needing to get El.

Mike thus is able to bounce his feelings back to El. He maintains a physical proximity to Will, but also tries to avoid interacting with him. The apology he never gets to make to Will ends up clumsily being offered to El. Mike’s vulnerable, genuine behavior is absent as he goofily attempts to make nice with his ex-girlfriend. He awkwardly attempts to invoke previous conversations with Will, suggesting an increasing desperation to re-establish El as the safe target for his affections. Cracks had already been forming in his carefully constructed subconscious defense mechanisms as a result of the contrast in how El and Will dumping him made him feel. Mike is starting to see the truth, and he needs to fix it.

Ultimately, the Byers decide to move away. A few months pass between the end of the season and the epilogue where they actually move. Mike seems to be on good terms with both El and Will, but we don’t really know what happened in the interim to get him there. Mike has conversations with both El and Will. His demeanor in each again demonstrate that, despite what he wants others to think, it’s Will who Mike can’t bear to part with. With Will, Mike again shows his vulnerability when Will goes to give away his D&D books. Mike is clearly afraid at the implications, that Will will move on from him, but Will is able to allay his fears, assuring him it’s “not possible” for him to find a new party, and that he expects to just use Mike’s set when he returns. Mike shows no vulnerability with El. In fact, he seems quite at ease as he explains how they’ll talk all the time, so everything will be ok. El suddenly attempts to bring up his previous attempts to talk about feelings, and he feigns ignorance, seeming uncomfortable. There’s a suggestion that they never re-established a romantic relationship. She says she loves him, and he seems perturbed. She kisses him, and he stands there, unresponsive. As she leaves, Mike stands confused and disturbed. He was not expecting that, nor did he enjoy it. Previously, after such a vulnerable moment with Will, Mike would have jumped at the opportunity to shift his feelings to El. Now it seems that he is finally accepting the truth. Defense mechanisms, being elaborate unintentional lies, only work when the individual remains unaware of them. Insight results in the truth being revealed.

As the Byers leave, Mike stares longingly at the cars. His friends all bike away, but he hangs back momentarily, looking back at Will’s house one last time with a pensive look on his face. All his walls have come crumbling down, and he can’t deny it anymore. He can’t pretend it’s El that he loves. He rides home, walking into his home in a daze. We last see him seeking comfort in his mother’s arms, seeking that unconditional love he craves so much. Mike is now confused, consciously aware that he loves Will, dealing with not only losing him, but also the acknowledgement that he’s likely gay. He’s no longer lying to himself, though it remains to be see how he reacts to the truth.

From here it’s all speculation, as we have little to no knowledge of Season 4. Based on the Cass model, Mike needs to explore his gay identity by meeting other gay people. He needs to see that not only is he not alone, but that being gay isn’t a bad thing. This process isn’t easy, and he will need to deal with the social implications of what it means. He may well choose to attempt to maintain a straight image. El being away means he can claim her as his girlfriend without them needing to be intimate. On the other hand, with support, he could work his way through the model and learn to love himself as he is. 

Note: I tried hard to stick to a conceptualization of Mike, but this does not mean this is how the writers see him.