#that used to be a really really really big like. ocd(??) thing of mine. whenever i said bye or goodnight to her if i forgot

[real-sun-wukong-fan01]

Random head cannon day!?!?&)#!#+*7-$+5

Wukong

- hates pineapple on pizza but will eat pickles on pizza

- loves annoying Macaque by toilet papering his dojo

- liked to help peng and azure groom themselves like feathers and fur

- if he gets stimulated he gets stressed and then just stops functioning

Macaque

- loves pineapple but only if it's charred on the grill

- likes spicy food the best

- hates having to ask for help grooming

- only visits ffm to see the baby monkeys

- can see ghosts as he was once one and swore he saw azures lost tail.

Azure

- is permanently black on that one arm

- was the one that took the kids that wukong took back home and apologized

- if he's stressed will smoke pot to help

- hates the smell of tar or ink

Peng

- keeps trinkets like a bird

- has a bit of ocd and refuses to have dirty feathers

- is quite proud to be trans masc

- has a love hate relationship with Macaque

📜

Headcanon anon really wrote a lot today

- he just hates the taste of anything sour and sweet together honestly, pineapples on pizza aren't good together in his opinion (and mine.)

- sometimes he also throws eggs, he just loves watching macaque reaction as a disguised cat.

- monkeys groom themselves to show affection and- yes his way of grooming is not like azure's but! He's good at it! Look at his fur! All shiny!

Oh, he needs more practice with peng, but that's okay!

- he just goes back to monkey mind honestly, jumping around and screaming nonsense,

Or directly stares somewhere for an hour or two like a real statue.

- he has... original..taste.

- the opposite of sun wukong, he likes spicy food and would even go as far as eating wasabi alone as a snack!

- he's just,,not used to have people groom him! And he's too.. he's too nostalgic of when wukong groomed him.

- wukong acts like he doesn't know that the monkey hangs around to see the children, in reality he knows and lets him.

How did he found out? The baby monkeys are big snitchers.

- he doesn't know what this is, he swears is some fucked up golden vision but,,he sees things that shouldn't be there.

- probably a scar or burned fur, he doesn't put too much attention to it.

- wukong accidentally brought children home because he thought they were monkeys, azure brought them back and apologized.

He missed doing it, honestly.

- if he had a tail, whenever he's stressed, it would bounce all over the place!

- the smell is just too strong! And- ugh.

How does wukong likes it! And why does he keep writing funny symbols and suddenly he can say a full sentence!

- he's a hoarder of some sort, but not as much as wukong.

- he hates anything being out of order or dirty- why is wukong covered in mud- NO WUKONG STAY BACK DON'T YOU DARE HUG M-

- wukong and peng often flex their own gender identity, wukong does it for fun, peng is actually really proud of it.

- he only tolerates the guy because of wukong, but he has his quirks.

[why-horror]

This comic is called Galatians 4:16 due to many reasons. I had (and still do) have a rocky relationship with both religion and God. I was once a believer and a strong one too. 

The first panel is of me with the galaxy as my face (which is a common theme in this comic) as I still have agnostic views. The galaxy bubble represents how I have a lot of space in my mind and how I allowed his figure to fill up my head with what I believed was true  where I strongly believed I was chosen by God simply because I was able to see and talk to Him. The second panel shows how I would pray constantly, begging to hear something from him, until I one day heard his voice. I remember praying “why my brother” and hearing him say “because it’s you, Nathalie. You are the reason why” and I believed it ever since. After I heard him talk for the first time, we would talk all night when it was my bedtime. I remember being so young, but filled with joy whenever it was time for bed because that meant useless conversations with God. And we would talk and talk until I fell asleep. He stook with me, but when I woke up he’d disappear. After years of talking, I slowly found myself discovering myself more. I would slowly stop praying and stop going to church frequently. I could tell it made him angry. But I still lived my life. Until the day after Valentines, I attempted. I remember praying asking for help, but I did not get a response. “Should I do it? Answer me, please?”. Instead, I had a full blown psychosis episode and attempted. After that attempt, I never heard from God for a while. I remember praying in the hospital bed, praying in my room at the mental hospital, constantly reading the bible, still believing I was the chosen one, because that’s what He said, right? 

But received nothing.

Not even a peep.

And I caught myself feeling guilty. And the cycle would start again where I tried to get his attention. And I’d feel guilty again. 

Until over the summer, I found myself in a healthy state of mind again. After my attempt I was diagnosed with Bipolar with Psychotic symptoms, OCD, depression, and more. It all started to make sense when I realized my OCD and psychosis played a huge role in how I viewed religion. The OCD symptoms where it feels like God was constantly watching me, judging my every move which then developed to the delusion that I was chosen and that I was meant to do something big in the world (thanks psychosis!). I remember getting better with medication and hearing his voice one night. He apologized, but instead of forgiving Him, I ignored him. And ever since, we haven’t had a conversation. I still struggle with the occasion guilt and “are you sure I am not the chosen one?” feelings, but they are so much easier to manage. They don’t fill my head with anxiety like they used to.    

Artist Statement:

I was inspired to talk about my OCD and Spiritual Psychosis because I want people to know what it actually is like to have these very detrimental mental health issues. I remember finding out what I had for the very first time and feeling like I was crazy because there are so many misconceptions of OCD and Psychosis that makes the issues seem less than what they actually are. OCD Is not about “perfection” and “straight” although that is a trait, does not mean that everyone has it. As for Psychosis, people think these people are “violent” and “weird” for seeing/hearing things that are not there or believing in something that is not true. 

I was inspired to put this comic on the internet because of Qahera. This artist puts their comics in the way I have mine set up and describes a little about the comic in the description. I really like this because it makes it easy to navigate and read. I was also inspired by Zahra’s Paradise, especially at the end where she is grieving the death of her son. I wanted something similar in the sense that I wanted the reader to feel the emotion. I added the one panel with mainly words about how I was feeling at the time. Adding a lot of text to one panel just shows how crowded my head felt when I would pray. 

This is not the original comic nor idea that I had when I was making this comic. I was originally going to have a sex superhero who was going to educate people on sex, kinks, and fetishes, however, as I was about to finish, I dropped my laptop and broke my screen. I was very upset at the fact that I had to restart again. And I dreaded it until last minute and now I am here posting this very late. I am glad that I got to get feedback on my last comic, but sad I could not get any for this comic. it is okay, though. I was able to do what I can in the time frame I was given. I learned that it is not okay to procrastinate, but it is okay to start over, even if it means again and again. I learned how to be patient and do things when I am in a better state of mind.

[pourover]

im ngl im super extremely fucking scared about the world ending on 4/18, so aka like, tomorrow. my fucking paranoid supstitious as fuck ocd ass is literally?? i 

ohhohhoohh my god let me just say. i am absolutely BUGGIN. i am literally gonna be losing my fucking shit all goddamn day tmrw i have no clue how to cope 

n like it does not help that this shit lines up fucking perfectly with the shit that freaks me out and fucks with my head the fucking most. it’d make so much fucking sense 

[thedevilsmemes]

    PINTEREST QUOTES I USE IN MY MUSINGS BOARDS                           ~ A SENTENCE MEME - PART 1

                        Change pronouns as / when needed to preferred pronoun.

“I prefer to distance myself whenever I’m in a bad mood because I’ll become the most heartless person you’ll ever meet.”

“I can’t be held responsible for what my face does when you talk.”

“And yet, despite the look on my face, you’re still talking!”

“Master the art of observing.”

“You have to present yourself in such a way that people don’t even feel right approaching you with bullshit.”

“If you want to be strong, learn how to fight alone.”

“Move in silence; only speak when it’s time to say CHECKMATE!”

“My biggest problem? I notice everything.”

“Sometimes it’s better just to remain silent and smile.”

“She has a way with words, red lipstick and making an entrance.”

“Don’t play games with a girl who can play better.”

“My touch is power.”

“Let me distract you.”

“You can’t do epic shit with basic people.”

“I honestly don’t know anyone like you. Except for me, You’re a lot like me; which I absolutely love.”

“The secret to a well balanced life is a cup of tea in one hand and a book in the other.”

“Dangerous but fun.”

“I’m not in danger, I’m the danger.”

“ ‘You look unapproachable…’ and yet here you are… approaching me.”

“I’m not the good guy, remember? I’m the selfish one. I take what I want, I do what I want. I don’t do the right thing.”

“Admit it, life would be so boring without me.”

“I love being me. It pisses off all the right people.”

“Is my soul too dark for you?”

“We all have demons; I just choose to feed mine.”

“Here comes trouble.”

“What I create is chaos.”

“I’m not a thief, I’m just really good at accumulating things that aren’t mine.”

“A grin as sharp as a knife.”

“He was pretty cute for a monster.”

“You’re a psychopath!”

“I prefer creative.”

“Crooked grins, sly hands, and one dangerous voice.”

“I’m the tall dark stranger, those warnings prepared you for.”

“He was beautiful; beautiful like the Devil before his fall.”

“What doesn’t kill me, better run.”

“I’m everything you can’t control.”

“Who are you?”

“Demon to some; angel to others.”

“He will do what it takes to survive.”

“Nothing stands between a girl and her coffee.”

“She wasn’t just pretty. She was otherworldly and vaguely threatening.”

“And what could be more beautiful, than bringing new life into the world?”

“My body is basically a filter. Coffee goes in and sarcasm comes out.”

“I love the way your eyes light up when someone says ‘It might be dangerous!’ ”

“With OCD, little things become all that you can see.”

“I chose medicine because I can think of no other professional avenue more challenging, evolving and noble.”

“Insert coffee to begin.”

“Stressed, Blessed and Coffee obsessed.”

“I love it when the coffee kicks in, and I realise what an adorable badass I’m going to be today.”

“Follow your heart but take coffee with you.”

“I have sea foam in my veins, I understand the language of the waves.”

“The waves of the sea help me to get back to me.”

“Because I am my mother’s daughter, I can do anything. My mother’s strength lives in me.”

“I’d rather be dancing.”

“Where there is kindness, there is goodness and where there is goodness, there is magic.”

“Have courage and be kind.”

“Gentle and loving and very patient.”

“Having a soft heart in a cruel world is courage, not weakness.”

“She didn’t need to be fixed, just loved.”

“I wasn’t ready for half of the shit I’ve been through, but obviously I’m built for it.”

“I dance because there is no greater feeling in the world than moving to a piece of music and letting the rest of the world disappear.” 

“Don’t fashion me into a maiden that needs saving from a dragon. I am the dragon and I will eat you whole.”

“Don’t worry mother, your daughter is a soldier.”

“Sometimes you just gotta lay on the floor with your dog.”

“I am a fate worse than death.”

“She doesn’t need a hero, she is the hero.”

“You should never make a dance mad. They can kick your face, no matter how tall you are.”

“A well-read woman is a dangerous creature.”

“And one day she discovered that she was fierce, and strong, and full of fire, and that not even she could hold herself back because her passion burned brighter than her fears.”

“Note to self: Let shit go.”

“Beautiful girl, you were made to do hard things, so believe in yourself.”

“I’m a monster.”

“My sadness turns to anger and that’s one of my worst toxic traits I have.”

“I don’t know where my head is at anymore… one minute I’m happy and the next I feel broken.”

“Me shutting down is far worse than me blowing up, I promise.”

“When the Devil falls in love, it’s the most hauntingly beautiful thing ever. And you should be terrified, because he will go to the depths of Hell for her.”

“Hello, I’m rich, nice to meet you.”

“Fifty shades of tired.”

“I’ll get over it, I’ve just got to be dramatic first.”

“Of course I feel too much. I’m a universe of exploding stars.”

“If I’m not hurting myself, I’m hurting everyone around me.”

“It’s not okay. Nothing about me is okay.”

“For a star to be born, there is one thing that must happen; a gaseous nebula must collapse. So collapse. Crumble. This is not your destruction. This is your birth.”

“It doesn’t matter what I do or what I choose because I’m what’s wrong.”

“Why should I apologize for the monster I’ve become? No one ever apologized for making me this way.”

“I’m terrified. I’m always terrified. I act like I know what I’m doing but the truth is I don’t.”

“You wanna know what I’m scared of? I’m scared of everything. I’m scared to move, I’m scared to breathe.”

“What does it matter if I say it? It’s not going to change it. It’s not going to make me good.”

“You are not your father.”

“A man with charm is a very dangerous thing.”

“I think he’s lonely. Lonelier than he lets on. Maybe lonelier than he realises.”

“Rely a bit too heavily on alcohol and irony.”

“Do I look like someone who cares what God thinks?”

“I hope you’re proud of me, dad.”

“Me? Sarcastic? Never!”

“Hands up if your dad sucks”

“My sisters. My responsibility.”

“He’s a badass with a good heart. Soft, but strong. Unapologetic and honest. He’s the type of many you go to war beside, not against.”

“Because I’m the big brother. I’m sorry I wasn’t better at it, until now.”

“There’s a special place in Hell, reserved just for me. It’s called the throne.”

“Always protect her.”

“A gentleman takes actions when others are too scared to do so.”

“Your smile is your logo, your personality is your business card. How you leave others feeling after having an experience with you becomes your trademark.”

“Rebellion is the only thing that keeps you alive.”

“Haven’t eaten much lately, not getting enough sleep, constantly horny and mentally unstable.”

“You can’t protect everyone.”

“I have to try.”

“The Devil is and always will be, a Gentleman.”

“I’m a bad influence, but damn I’m fun.”

“I am not who I was.”

“That sounds illegal, I’m in!”

“Original family disappointment.”

“Feel like making a deal with the Devil.”

“A king with no crown.”

“You don’t understand. It’s not that he can’t love… it’s that he’s afraid.”

“Him! Ah, there he is, that motherfucker. What a tool!”

“There’s still light in him.”

“I stopped being a kid the day you sent me down here to die.”

“I’m a reckless mistake. I’m a cold night’s intake. I’m a one night too long. I’m a come on too strong.”

“I don’t like what I’m becoming.”

[c4ts4ndstuff]

i felt the sudden urge the other night to write down my testimony, so here goes!

tw religious OCD and tw suicidal ideation under the read more

mine’s a little odd, because i’m not 100% exactly sure when i was saved, and i know that sounds bad.

i was raised in a Christian family, my Dad’s been a pastor my whole life. i prayed to God asking him to forgive me of my sins when i was about...6-7ish.

one night when i was about 14 i started thinking of how God is serious. with God you’re either fully with him, or against him. there is no middle ground. i realized i had to make a decision. did i want to live life doing whatever i wanted, and be separated from God, or did i want to follow God? i decided i wanted to follow God, and got baptized soon afterwards. i then started to read the Bible, pray, and God started convicting me of my sins.

things then started to get messed up in my head in the months leading to my 16th birthday. see, i was born with an extra pathway in my heart, and at  random times my heart would start to use that extra pathway instead of the normal one. which doesn’t sound like a big deal, but the extra pathway was like a shortcut, and my heart would get stuck in a new, shorter rhythm. so even if i was just sitting in a chair my heart would start to beat super hard and fast, like i was being chased by zombies. while i would experience this every so often growing up, i never made a big fuss over it and would normally just try to go lie down somewhere until it passed and my heart was beating like normal. in the months leading up to my 16th birthday however, it started happening on a monthly basis. it took a few months for me to be able to see a doctor, and during that time i worried. a lot. i was scared that during an episode, my heart was going to burst and i’d die. all this thinking of death had me worrying, what if i wasn’t saved?

just a month after my 16th birthday i was able to have an procedure done on my heart, and it fixed things physically.

mentally though, i kept worrying over my salvation. i kept looking up over and over how to be saved, i would pray again asking God to forgive me, and then i’d feel better. until a few months i’d worry again, then it’d only be a few weeks, and then it was just days before i’d start to worry again.

with all the times that i’d ask God to save me, i wasn’t sure when i had really been saved, if i had been saved at all. not being sure of when i was saved just added fuel to the fire, because how could i be saved and not know when it happened?

i know now that i have OCD, but it took me a while to figure that out.

i also started to get these weird “convictions” (AKA OCD was messing with me). i couldn’t use the 6th slot in the Minecraft hotbar, because it was so close to 666, the mark of the beast. i started to feel anxious over different series i liked. i thought the anxiety was God telling me not to engage with these different shows, so to make the feeling go away i promised God i would avoid these shows. it worked... for a while. the third time that happened i didn’t get any relief after making the promise, and i think that’s what led to happened next.

i was about 18, and i was scrolling through tumblr completely fine. but then a thought suddenly popped up: “what if God asked me to give up fiction?” that one, simple sentence managed to torture me for almost six months. i’ve always loved reading, and watching TV. i’ve just always loved stories, and the thought of not being able to even think about a story (because my mind instantly took it to the most extreme level), upset me. and before i knew it the thought had gotten twisted up in my head, and i thought God had asked me to give up fiction.

eventually video games got lumped into that, and without any way to distract myself all i could do was obsess.

i obsessed over whether God really wanted me to give up fiction, over whether or not i was saved, and over whether the simplest of things were sinful or not.

i struggled so much with this, and i was miserable. which then added the icing on the cake, where how could i be saved if i was feeling so miserable and upset over something God might have asked me to do?

when i was at one of my lowest points and i was struggling so much with going back and forth on my salvation (not just whether or not i was saved, but if i had been saved once and then lost it), i prayed to God asking him to kill me if i wasn’t ever going to be saved, because at least in hell i wouldn’t have to worry about my salvation.

I was terrified of sinning. I was so scared, i would obsess over whether the weirdest things were sins, or somehow start to think i was doing things in a sinful way, even things like breathing.

i’ve struggled with intrusive thoughts to an extent for years, but this point they were really upsetting me. inappropriate images and curse words would just pop into my head. i was in agony because even though i didn’t want those thoughts, i thought it was a sin for them to even appear in my head. so whenever one would pop into my head, i would stop what i was doing and ask God for forgiveness. however all this just gave the thoughts more focus, and caused them to appear even more. no matter how hard i tried, i couldn’t prevent the thoughts from appearing.

however when looking up something to help with the intrusive thoughts, i found out about religious OCD, which gave me something to work with.

i would google my obsessions, but then i started adding “OCD” to the end. and with that  i started finding so many people who were experiencing things just like me, people who struggled over their salvation, over different convictions they weren’t sure they had to follow.

i still struggled for a while, but now i had hope that maybe things weren’t as bad as they seemed.

a couple months after that (for a total of almost six months since i really started to spiral) i had a breakthrough.

i knew at the time i wasn’t doing great mentally, and probably had OCD (but still hadn’t fully accepted it yet), but one day things just... clicked for me. God gave me a moment of clarity, and i was able to realize that God was okay with me enjoying fiction. and i was able to have some peace, and i knew i was saved.

i was not cured. i’m not sure it was even a whole day before i started worrying again over if maybe i was wrong and i still shouldn’t enjoy fiction. but God gave me the strength to hold onto that moment of clarity, and i was able to make it through. and with being able to basically have fun again, i was able to distract myself instead of obsessing over all my worries 24/7. i was able to eventually sleep through the night again.

it’s been a couple years now, and i still struggle with various obsessions. every few months or so i’ll spiral again. i’ll be afraid i’m sinning by reading, i’ll start to worry about my salvation again, i’ll worry about the promises i made because of my OCD. a lot of times i can practically feel different obsessions hiding behind a corner, waiting for the right moment to strike. i’ve gotten better though about recognizing them for what they are, so even though sometimes something will stick in my head for months, other times it’s just for a few minutes.

i could not have done this without God, even though my OCD tried to twist me away from him.

if any of this sounds familiar to you, PLEASE look up scrupulosity/religious OCD, or message me and i’ll send you some resources! you’re not alone ❤

[inevitably-johnlocked]

hey steph! how long would you say you spent on sorting out fic recs and tagging them and all that stuff? just curious because i really wanna start a fic rec blog too

Hey Nonny!

UGGGHHHH Tumblr deleted my entire response, so I’m going to just jot out what I remember.

Depending upon how long you’re willing to spend, a LONG time. You guys have NO idea how much work it is, and how much off-tumblr time I spend doing it. When I keep saying “it’s a full time job” it really is. The blogging you guys actually see takes about 2 hours, from filing my blog to answering a few asks here and there, but the rest is ALL filing my fics and creating lists. 

Now, mine is “perfected to my liking” after two years of trial and error and headaches, but yeah, if you’re serious about becoming strictly a fic rec blog, prepare to put in a lot of time and effort. BUT to be fair, I’m ridiculous in my sorting and organizing... I have a weird OCD thing where I need stuff sorted in a certain way, and it takes longer than it probably should. But it works for me and it has become very streamlined now that almost all of my Ao3 bookmarks are finally sorted. In the beginning, when I decided I would start reccing fics, it was only meant to be a here and there thing, but then people kept coming to me more and more and that’s when I decided I needed to keep an offline list. So here’s some tips from me to you:

Keep offline lists. Tumblr fucks up enough that you WILL lose interest in redoing a big 50-fic list if tumblr decides that nope, today I don’t feel like posting your file because you didn’t refresh your page BEFORE typing it out.

Going along with the above, keep an offline masterlist of your read-and-tagged fics. All the recs I give you guys? They’re all on one of three list masterlists I have offline: GO Recs, FFNet Recs, and Ao3 Recs. This will be SO much easier for searching for topics when making new lists.

Do the lists WAY ahead of time. This has given me back many-a-Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday nights because I prep my lists ahead of time.

Develop the “public” system of filing for your things, and use that for your Masterlist, so you don’t have to redo it every time (so like don’t have just Ficname by author if that’s not what you want to do for your recs). For example, my system is this, emphasis included: Fic Name by Author (Rating, wordcount, Chapter count || WIP/AU if applicable || PODFIC LINK if applicable || list of personal and/or author tags here, even if they spoil the story; i’ve found some people with triggers appreciate that I tag EVERYTHING I find in the stories) – Author’s description or personal description if there isn’t one. Series link if it’s part of one. This way, all I have to do is copy-paste it into new documents for each list, and then copy-paste the whole list into the Tumblr doc. 

Also, re: the above, do the layout in Tumblr if you’re doing a Tumblr rec blog. It keeps the formatting consistent and I don’t have to fix it between Ao3 and FFnet if I just copy-paste everything into a blank Tumblr doc, and then copy paste THAT onto the masterlist. Trust me on this one. 

Draft everything. This goes along with all the above. I always “start” a list and put a big header so that I can find it in my drafts (that’s why they have the big bold H1 headers on them) and then hit “draft”. Then keep a list of your drafted fics in your preferred method of organization. I keep everything in Text Edit RTF files. I believe Alexx told me once she did spreadsheets. Either way, develop a system BEFORE jumping into this thing, because you will EASILY get overwhelmed if you aren’t used to high-stress levels.

Tag fics as you read them. Trust me on this one. Because it will save you MONTHS of re-reading every single bookmark so you can properly file fics. I do this on my Notes App with the story title, and then all the tags I know are popular requests or are for lists I know Nonnies have asked for.

Keep CONSISTENT in your tags. Don’t tag one thing O!verse but another Omegaverse. I had to redo a lot of my older tags because CMD+F was pointless on a document I purposely made to streamline the process.

USE Ao3′s TAGGING FEATURE for your bookmarks. Just make sure that if any of your tags are spoilerific, make sure you keep the rec private.

File EVERYTHING as soon as you bookmark it. It will save you a LOT of hours of going through all your recent bookmarks to file them. 

That said, HAVE A FILING SYSTEM if you’re keeping everything offline. Keep separate documents for each list... Trust me on this. I used to just have one document each for Fluff fics, for example, and put subheaders in them, and it just got messy and annoying as my fic reccing became more common and plentiful. Instead, have a nice list like this, for instance:

The grey dots next to some of them are old filing methods that I need to fix and pull out. Also, as you can see, every time I finish a list, I file it into Posted and start a new list appended with a Pt number. It just keeps the system moving smoothly. I also have a system for the coloured dots; Grey is Old and refile, Orange is drafted on Tumblr, and Orange and Green means it’s drafted and ready-to-post.

I also have an offline “drafted posts document”:

That also has a system as you can see, but it keeps me knowing what I’ve already got drafted on Tumblr if I forget to tag the files with the colour dots.

It looks tedious and complicated, but I promise you, it’s really simple once you’re familiar with my method. Which is why I’m saying, you need to develop this kind of system REALLY early rather than 2 years later like I did. This drafted posts list is only recent as of... February I believe is when I started it.

Hmmm. Ah, yeah, so you can see it’s a lot of work, and this is why I absolutely dislike HateAnons negatively criticizing my lists, because it IS a lot of MY free time, between 8 and 48 hours a week. But if you truly enjoy sorting and organizing like I do, it’s a bit easier to cope with. So, yeah, whenever I tell you guys “I need some time away” this is why, and usually I switch to playing video games or doing art, both of which I miss doing on the weekends. I’m trying to keep the Tumblr stuff to mostly Weeknights these days, so that it’s an extension of my day job. Funny how I have less free time working at home than I did when I wasn’t; because I feel obligated to always be on my computer now, and I hate that. Like right now, I just bought 2 new games to play and I haven’t tried them yet because I’m always working both day-job stuff AND Tumblr stuff on weekends. 

So yes, that’s another tip: Don’t let it consume you, and set a schedule. Don’t feel obligated to answer every request. When I am tired and I just genuinely don’t have the energy to dig through 1000+ fics to find 2 or three for an obscure ask, I usually make it an interactive ask – not only does it encourage community involvement and a sense of belonging for everyone, but I also discover new fics to read too! I am IMMENSELY proud and happy that my fic lists have essentially become “fic exchange” grounds. Before it was only on one or two lists, some timid new authors added their fics to my big lists, but now, since people SEE that I add their fics hidden in the notes to the main post, now everyone is happy to share their faves on the main lists AS WELL AS the smaller single asks. I like to think of myself of a “curator of happy things” so that’s what I like to do with these. 

That said, you have to also decide if you’re going to be this interactive as well. Because that adds an ADDITIONAL hour or so as you make a separate “MFL” document and file those too. It’s time consuming, but totally worth it because if I’ve read the fic, all I have to do to that post in my MFL list is add my tags and file that block of text :)

I hope I helped you out a bit, Nonny, and I hope you guys enjoyed seeing a bit of my process. If I can get OBS to work on my laptop, maybe I’ll do a short video so you guys can see me doing it live. 

Anyway, sorry this got long. :P

[theniveanlegacy]

OC Companion Interview

Romiyya Ri’ka

I saw this here and I immediately wanted to try it. I’m doing at least two of these, maybe more.

Instructions: Pick three companions who know your OC/muse well. Answer the questions from at least one of their companions points of view. Replace anywhere it says ‘Romiyya’ with your OC’s name. Name the three companions who will be answering here:

1. Malavai Quinn

2. Mayyen Nivean

3. Vette

Are they ready to be candid with their responses? Don’t worry, this is totally private. Romiyya will never read it.

1. First Impressions. What was the first impression you had of Romiyya?

Malavai: She was beautiful, and terrifying. She commanded the room as soon as she entered it. She looked so alien among all the human imperials on Balmorra. Not one single sith among us all, and certainly not an alien sith. She was like nothing I’d ever seen before, and I was enraptured by her.

Mayyen: I remember thinking that she seemed so lonely. I met her on Tatooine, and at the time she only had Vette and Malavai - still the three of us are the only people she really trusts. I just remember thinking how miserably lonely it must be to trust only two people in all the galaxy.

Vette: I dunno really. I guess I thought it was funny to see a Togruta sith - I’d never seen one before - but mostly I was just preparing myself for more electro-shock therapy. She never used the collar though, and I was impressed. That’s when I started to wonder if maybe she and I could actually be friends.

2. Romiyya walks into a bar. No, it’s not a joke - what does she order? If you give her a credit for the jukebox, what kind of music would she put on?

Malavai: She orders two fingers of Kaasian brandy, neat. If she’s in a particularly good mood she’ll order a bottle of Alderaanian wine to share with me, Vette, or her sister. She likes Sith Opera music, but that’s never on the jukebox. Barring that she’ll play whatever Vette recommends.

Mayyen: She gets the fancy Kaasian brandy usually. Sometimes she drinks Alderaanian wine. But - if you get her drunk enough - she downs Coruscanti bourbon like there’s no tomorrow. She won’t admit it on pain of death but I’m pretty sure it’s her favorite drink. In terms of music I think she really likes that one pop band from Ord Mantell. I saw Malavai give her a holodisk of their music for Life Day once. I don’t think I’m supposed to know that.

Vette: Coruscanti bourbon - but only if Malavai and Mayyen aren’t around. She’ll never admit it to them. The only reason I know is because I caught her buying it on Nar Shaddaa once. In terms of music she loves Outer Rim cantina music, but she won’t admit it. Whenever we go to a cantina she always asks me to recommend something, so I always recommend different bands I know she’ll like.

3. How does Romiyya spend a day off from work?

Malavai: With me usually. We go on dates and that sort of thing. Not really your business, is it? Otherwise she likes to paint and draw - that sort of thing. She has a whole book full of drawings of me, Mayyen, Tatooine, things she really loves.

Mayyen: Sometimes she’ll go out for drinks with me or Vette, but usually she spends off days with Malavai. They go on these adorable little dates. He takes her to the Sith Opera, or to picnics on Alderaan, or - oh! Once they went to the Red Light district on Nar Shaddaa. I’ve never asked why, and I don’t want to know.

Vette: She has sex with Quinn.

4. What silly superstitions or funny traditions does she observe?

Malavai: She has a long scarf made from killik silk that I bought for her on Alderaan after we were married. No matter what else she wears - armor, civilian clothes, a dress - if she’s going into a fight she wears that scarf. Even when we were… apart, she wore it.

Mayyen: Well she has Malavai’s scarf which she never takes off. We have a tradition as sisters - we try to meet up at least once a month if it’s possible. No matter the state of the war or our personal allegiances at the moment, we mean a lot to each other and so we try to see each other as regularly as we can manage.

Vette: Quinn’s scarf, but also she’s methodical about cleaning her armor and her lightsabers. She gets in a lot of fights, she gets bloody and dirty a lot, but she’s kind of OCD about hygiene, so after every battle or mission she cleans her armor and her lightsabers.

5. What does Romiyya wear to bed? And just how do you know that?

Malavai: Romiyya likes to sleep in silk nightgowns. I know because I’m her husband.

Mayyen: She likes silk pajamas. I got her a pair of red silk pants for Life Day one year and she loved them. I know because after we discretely bought that stronghold on Tatooine we slept together in the one room that actually had heat.

Vette: Back in the early days when it was just me and her we used to sleep in the same room. We didn’t really trust each other, and the easiest way to gain that trust was to be vulnerable around each other. She used to wear a silk nightgown every night. I would be sitting there in sweat pants and a stolen t-shirt and she’d walk in wearing full length white silk. It was so weird.

6. Your favorite memory of Romiyya?

Malavai: I find I have difficulty picking just one. Perhaps you’re looking for a real memory, a big moment or something similar, but my absolute favorite memory of my wife is a simple one. She likes to paint in her down time. It’s nothing special, and she doesn’t think her work is any good, but one morning I went out to the balcony of our stronghold and she was sitting there painting the sunrise. She likes the sunrise. The suns lit her cheeks in just the right way. Her skin turned the color of fire, and her eyes were so blue…. Apologies. I was just… remembering.

Mayyen: The first night we spent in our Tatooine stronghold. It was just the two of us. I finally got to ask her about my father, and I told her about Belsavis. She told me about Baras, Malavai, her parents - all the people who’ve betrayed her, let her down. It was the first time we were really truly close with each other. I’ll never forget it.

Vette: When I asked her to take my shock collar off, hands down. She was just so kind about it. There was this empathy in her eyes I wasn’t used to seeing from Sith and it really shocked me. It was in that moment that I realized that she was more than her kind. She was a person, and maybe even a good one.

7. A time you very nearly almost kissed Romiyya?

Malavai: The first time we went to Alderaan together. Romiyya decided to work with the Organa woman, and so we fought in a battle that seemed to last all day. Wave after wave of troops and droids hit us endlessly, but my love cut through them all like they were nothing but lumps of clay. She was incredible. I wanted to kiss her then, I almost did, but I knew the line I would be crossing and at the time I was still reluctant to cross it.

Mayyen: I kiss her on the cheek all the time. Partly to watch her squirm while she pretends to hate affection, but mostly because she’s only pretending. She’s actually very affectionate, and she loves physical affection the best, so I try to kiss and hug her whenever possible.

Vette: When she helped me return a Twi’lek artifact to some of my friends. We had drinks afterwards and I was really drunk and really grateful and got into one of my “Hey, Romiyya’s really great and also pretty” moods. It happens from time to time with really attractive people and enough alcohol. I vaguely remember almost kissing her until I saw that she was looking at a message Malavai sent her. Pining is really the biggest of buzz kills.

8. Vacation time! Where do you take Romiyya for some R&R?

Malavai: A couple places, but for vacation we typically return to Dromund Kaas. My mother lives in Kaas City and she adores Romiyya. We spend a day or two with her and she cooks a big feast even for just the three of us. Then we spend a few days catching up on the culture; we go to the art galleries and the opera and such. Finally we spend our final days off in bed in my apartment. It’s rare we get a vacation, but it’s always wonderful when we do.

Mayyen: Tatooine. It’s our home. It’s neutral. We’re not beholden to anyone there and we can be entirely ourselves. It’s the safest place in the galaxy for us. We go whenever we can, and we always relax when we’re there.

Vette: Rishi. I love that stupid crazy pirate planet. Romiyya likes the beaches. I stay with a friend of mine - Clabreo Aldin - her family are big time Corsairs and they own an island on Rishi, so I take Romiyya there to relax.

9. Romiyya’s sense of humor -is it dry, immature, sarcastic, self-deprecating, physical, witty, dark, or…?

Malavai: Contrary to what most people believe my wife is actually very funny. She has a dark sense of humor, it’s true, but her humor is very sarcastic and dry, to the point where most don’t recognize it as humor. I do though. I understand every word, and so I know she is a very funny woman.

Mayyen: It’s- uh- very dry- and sarcastic- and also dark. She’s not typically one for humor to be honest, but when she gets in the right mood (and typically the right mood is when she’s tormenting her enemies) she’s incredibly dry and sarcastic. She’s even funny sometimes- when she’s not threatening people’s lives of course.

Vette: Try nonexistent. Most of the time anyway. If you get her drunk enough she’s funnier than a hut in a bikini.

——

I’m going to do at least one more of these - one for Mayyen - but I might do a couple more too because it’s so entertaining.

Since this is a tagging game (and also so much fun to do) I’ll tag some people: @thebreadtree, @darth-bagel, @palepinkycat, @shanfamilydrama, @blueburds, @starlightjedi

[21st-centuryliability]

I don’t know nor care if you can see this. To be honest you probably can, considering when I tweeted calling you out for the screenshots you sent me of ‘autism memes’ that pretty much took the piss out of autistic people because you’re now trying to get people to sign a petition about hidden disabilities in the work place, you suddenly deleted your Twitter.

What I really don’t understand is that you seem to have done everything you refused to do when we were talking. Time and time again we had the conversation about you needing help and you refused to do anything. Only after I cut you off did you finally decide to do something. You kept saying to other people that you were trying to change but I gave you so many chances before that and you didn’t, instead you continued to treat me like shit. You even admitted to not only the first person you ran to after I cut you off but you admitted to me that you were aware of what you were doing and yet instead of trying to change you carried on. I put my entire mental health and well being aside because you almost became a full time job. I pretty much put myself on hold because everything was about you, because I was so scared of you doing something as you threatened it so often. Even when I was bed bound with a chest infection everything had to be about you. I felt like I was constantly walking on egg shells because any tiny little thing would set you off. Mostly because my drawings caught Toms attention and you didn’t like it because it wasn’t you getting it. You had no problem dumping your family issues on me as if I was the one who would fix it all ...infact it was actually quite triggering for me but I didn’t mention it because you would’ve kicked off. You wanted pretty much everything from me, you wanted me to fix everything. It’s not my job to fix your family’s stupid decisions, it’s not my job and responsibility to make you happy and keep you alive. You constantly went on about how much you hated your dads new girlfriend and how you wanted nothing to do with her and now you refer to her as your step Mum. You did nothing but complain about your mother being ‘emotionally abusive’ and yet you seem to have a good relationship with her. Count yourself fucking lucky you have good relationships with both your parents because I never had that, my father doesn’t even acknowledge my existence! Your dad had no right to send that message after I cut you off, I was never responsible for your happiness and well-being, it was just a pathetic attempt to make me feel and look bad. I don’t know anymore what was true and what wasn’t, it just seems like one big beg for attention. Just cause you were miserable doesn’t give you the right to make others miserable to make yourself feel better. You hated my drawings, you hated that Tom gave me more attention than you and I honestly I think you probably actually hated me, you had no problem spouting crap to Tom about me whenever I called you out on something. You gave me all that shit about changing and then went and pulled the same shit on two other people after I cut you off. You threatened to harm yourself if they did something with Tom that you didn’t like and you had the audacity to say that your problems were my fault, that I was the reason for your ocd, which may I add seems to not exist anymore? and that comment was completely out of order considering you knew how much I was struggling with my ocd! None of this was mine, Toms or anybody else’s fault, nor can you use your mental health as an excuse. Yes you had some issues going on and some trauma you were trying to deal with but so did I ...so does everybody and saying to people ‘I know she’s had hard but...’ to try and invalidate what I’ve been through so make your problems seem worse is not on. I know I’m too kind for my own good, I’m an easy target and as much as I hate to admit it I’m super vulnerable but that doesn’t mean you could treat me the way you did. Don’t get me wrong I’m glad you’re getting help but I really wish you hadn’t done what you did to get there and I honestly don’t think you’ll really ever change. You wanted to both be me and be with me, you were so scarily obsessed with me and those voicemails still repeat in my head. When I cut you off you started doing ‘drawings’ purely to get Toms attention and to piss me off no matter how much you deny it.

[pure-o-soft]

hi! first of all i wanted to say i love your account, you've helped me a bunch! second, i had a ex friend betray my trust and let a big fear of mine happen (it used to be an obsession) and now my ocd is spiraling. i feel unsafe and paranoid and my ocd is making a very big deal out of this. it's really wrecked my life. i'm not sure what to do and at the moment i can't see myself recovering

Hey dear

Thank you so much, that means the world to me that I could help in any way possible! I know it might not help to say, but please try to remember that no matter how low you feel or how bad things get, recovery is always possible. You can get your life back, you can get your peace of mind back. You won’t feel this way forever, and you can live a happy and healthy life. 

It’s really great that you’re attributing the anxiety and obsessing to your OCD. It may seem like a simple step, but it’s also one of the first one’s before you can start to use pro-active coping mechanisms. I’m not sure if you’ve ever spoken to a doctor or psychologist about what you’re going through, but I definitely think it would be in your best interest to do so! I know it can feel like you have to take this on yourself, and it’s very easy to feel shame about your obsession, but you deserve help. There are professionals who can make things much easier for you and give you the assistance you need and deserve to get better! 

In the meantime, here are four steps that you can read through and practice whenever you start to obsess and feel anxious and paranoid. Like I mentioned, the first step is noticing your symptoms! Sometimes people don’t even realize that what they’re doing is abnormal. It’s a bit of a lengthy read, but definitely very helpful and informative! 

Please know that i’m always here if you ever want to vent or chat about what you’re going through. If you feel alone or scared, I would be happy to lend a listening ear and help in any way that I can. You can get better, darling. I’m wishing you all the best

[yum-cy]

You reblogged an ask game. I will now require you to do all of them. Yes I know you hate me blah blah blah love you too

I cant decide if i want punch you for this or not. Also, flannel is repeated like 3 times

lantern: 6th grade science. i thought they were bitch. idk what they thought of me

frost: you deserve better and so do the people you hurt so dont do that this time around

maple: existing. ive never done it before (i dont really have an answer to this one)

harvest: idk. boris pavlikovsky?

fireside: i wanna look like a pirate/vampire/college student mash up

cider: i dont like food full stop.

amber: yall are so ready to punch nazis, but when was the last time you talked to a Jewish person. your support is important, but that doesnt just mean punching people for us

fog: i would lay down and ask for the zombies to kill me, so not too great

jack-o-lantern: kate mckinnon

spice: yep, my own (doors open and slam, electeonics turn on and off randomly, etc)

orchard: i wanna go to a haunted house or a corn maze or out of my house (all those things im not allowed to do) does that count? if not, figure out my emotions even a lil bit

crow: math? i cant do it and i kinda dont wanna fail

bonfire: small-ish? never silent, mine, full of people i love. always decorated for halloween. gothic and victorian. a manor fit for a "confirmed bachelor" but not as big and empty

cinnamon: if it werent for how much the world sucked, 1920s america. speakeasies, mafias, the disintegration of the american dream, a gritty undertone to something seen as sparkily? sign me the fuck up

cranberry: my hair. its ginger and fluffy and curly. people like it for some reason, but when they see it its like they forget theres anything else to me

maize: some random person came up to me when i was still living in ny, grabbed my arm and told me my moms name and the exact date of her death. it freaked me out then bc i was like 9 but it freaks me out now bc they were right

quilt: i take my tea luke warm (i dont like burning my mouth thanks) and i leave the tea bag in the entire time im drinking/waiting for it to cool so its so strong it kinda hurts by the time im done

pumpkin: neither. i think people are born as blank slates, and our experiences mold us. i also think we can adjust what kinda person weve become if we truly feel like theres a flaw at any point

moonlit: i cannot see the floor. carpet? i didnt know we had her

flannel: nope but ive dated shitty people if that counts

cocoa: probably what i already have. idk i sorta like what my hairs doing right now

ghost: my mom. the lady in the apartment next to ours when i was 7 that would give us lasagna

pumpkin spice: earl grey/black/peppermint tea or an iced vanilla latte

wool socks: crunchy colorful leaves, halloween decorations, wind

falling leaves: a boat, a fishing rod, a wood chipper

smelly candles: the original chapstick flavor

big sweaters: i like warmth but im always cold

halloween: the mayor from nightmare before christmas

cozy blankets: under my 3 blankets in my room

hot tea: the end of summer(august? july? i cant remember which)

flannel: april 4th, i have ocd and the number i get super obsessed with is 4(snap 4 times before walking through doors, etc)

chilly air: windy and overcast is great, sunny and stuffy is awful

scarves: prolly my musemem hoody and either my wonder woman pj pants or my ripped jeans

apple cider: just alex. i dont much like people so even if i admire them i wouldnt want to meet them in person(never meet your heroes)

haunted houses: i was held under water until i passed out when i was 5 and now i cant even go near any body of water(pools, lakes, oceans)

fuzzy boots: roaring 20s explained earlier

thanksgiving: alexxxxx. i love them. so much. but thanksgiving is a bullshit holiday

black friday: nothing that i can think of.

apple picking: either greece or rome. the architecture is incredible, the history is fuckin bonkers, and the mythology is incredible

corn mazes: nothing i do is ever really secret? i can play cello pretty okay, and im alright at writing?

hay rides: horse drawn carriages

the color orange: ribs by lorde. idk why but i love that song and i always think of fall whenever i hear it

windy nights: hozier. without a doubt

holding hands: soulmates are inherently amatonormative concept anf as someone on the aro spectrum(not fully aro tho) that doesnt sit well with me. so, no

[curtisandlewis]

I Like to Watch? Chapter Two

Spotify playlist

My Pacemaker

Dean and Jerry

Implications of Tony and Jerry

Not safe for work

Summary:  (1,768 words) After five years of Jerry refusing to give Dean a show he finally gets a show of his own. But the possibility of breaking the rules or Dean finding out he wasn’t such an innocent teenage boy has Jerry feeling nervous.

I Like to Watch? Chapter Two

Dean and Jerry

Implications of Tony and Jerry

Not safe for work

Summary: (1,768 words) After five years of Jerry refusing to give Dean a show he finally gets a show of his own. But the possibility of breaking the rules or Dean finding out he wasn’t such an innocent teenage boy has Jerry feeling nervous.

(Please see Glossary if you aren’t familiar with my labeling system) Some Things to Look Forward To: Implication of Masturbation: Penis, Implication of Watching, Masturbation: Penis, Watching, Implication of Oral Sex: Penis, Pre Come, Climax, and it goes without saying the word “cock” will be used a number of times.  

Notes: I have OCD and get anxiety from writing certain intimate and sexual acts. The OCD thoughts tell me if I write these acts then something bad will happen. By writing this fic I am performing what is called a exposure. Writing these words are my therapy and for you I hope they are entertaining and make you happy.

Also Bernie Schwartz is Tony Curtis’ real name. 

In the late hours, Dean and Jerry entered their motel room. Dean loosened his tie and made chit chat about that night’s show. Jerry wasn’t listening. He grabbed Dean by the shoulders with care and kissed him mid-sentence. This wasn’t a stage kiss. This was a real kiss.  A kiss communicating something more than friendship. Jerry didn’t have to hold Dean in place while he pretended to struggle. Within seconds, Jerry’s hands moved to hold Dean’s face as he would his wife’s. The kind of kiss Dean didn’t like to do too often with anyone. It surprised Jerry that Dean didn’t even attempt to stop the kiss. In fact, he kissed him back and Jerry felt his hands slide down his body to rest at his sides above his hips. He even felt brave enough to ever so gently finger Dean’s hair. Jerry realized this kiss that could turn into necking at any second had to end. He stepped back and Dean’s tongue searched for his mouth.

Dean opened his eyes, licking at the corner of his mouth. “That was a lot more tongue than usual.”

Jerry smiled and averted his eyes from Dean’s. “When you look back on tonight I didn’t want you to confuse me with all the other guys you do this with.”

Dean chuckled. “Jer, I could never confuse you with anyone, let alone the boys from Stubenville.” He looked down and let go of Jerry’s waist before smoothly walking away. “You want a drink, babe?” Dean said as he finished taking off his bow tie.

“No thanks.”

Dean looked back at Jerry. “Can’t you just this once accept a drink I offer you? It will relax ya.”

“Alcohol relaxes me too much.”

“If you think I’m goin’ out in the middle of the night and getting you a milkshake you can forget it.” Dean said while making his way to the kitchen.

“Who asked ya?”

“How about this, after we’re done, I’ll go out and buy you a candy bar?”

“Well,” said Jerry acting coy. “That’s an offer I wouldn’t refuse.”

“Only if you’re a good boy,” said Dean opening a bottle of beer. He plopped down on his bed and took a drink.

“Why are you on the bed?”

“You want to be on the bed and I stand in front of you?”

“No! I mean I don’t want to just stand here. It’s awkward.”

“What are you gonna do about it?”

Jerry wrapped his arms around his body and looked around in no particular direction. Over in the kitchen he spotted the folding chair. Just a few steps away in their room that was an upgrade from a nail. Success had its perks but not with Dean’s expenses. Jerry got the chair and placed it in front of their bed.

“Is that going to be comfortable enough?”

“It’s fine,” Jerry said as he could feel it digging into his back.

“Alright.” Dean set his beer on the night stand. “You want to see my cock?”

It took Jerry a second to answer. “Do I have to show you mine?”

“This isn’t the playground, Jer. I can put my hand down my pants and you won’t see anything or I can do it like I always do it.”

“Oh! Isn’t it easier doing what you know?”

“Yeah. I figured since you’re so nervous…”

“I’m not nervous.” Jerry tried to sound confident and failed.

Dean raised an eyebrow.

“I mean it.” Jerry’s voice was steadier that time. “I’m not. Let’s see that cock, boy. Take out that big Italian sausage and start beating that non-kosher meat!”

There was a second of silent staring before Dean said, “Jerry, take a breath. Now.”

Jerry took a deep breath, though it made him feel silly. “I told you. I’m fine.”

“You’re getting weird and you’re about five seconds away from your voice getting all high.”

“I’m excited?” Jerry’s voice shot up about an octave. He shook his head and forced his voice down. “I mean I’m excited. Really. Let’s do this, Dino.”

“Sit back and relax.”

Jerry brought his knees to his chest.

Dean chuckled. “Good enough.” He started unbuttoning his dress shirt. “I don’t want to mess up this shirt.”

Jerry saw Dean undress more times than he could possibly keep track. This time was different. His fingers seemed to move in slow motion as more and more of his perfect, smooth chest came into view. He saw Dean without a shirt on the beaches of Atlantic City where everyone could see his golden skin. Jerry knew exactly how smooth that skin was because his tongue had felt it. What was it about this moment that made it feel like the first time—the first peek? Next, he undid the buckle on his belt and pulled down his zipper revealing the stark white of his cotton boxers.

Jerry’s heart rate sped up as he watched Dean reach inside and pull out little Dino. “That’s nothing to be nervous about is it? You’ve seen him, what, a thousand times?”

“Probably more than that.” Jerry studied little Dino with great interest. He wished they could both take off their clothes and learn each other’s differences.

“That seems about right. You ready?”

Jerry nodded his head while his fingernail was in his mouth.

Dean spit in the palm of his hand.

Jerry held back from saying yeck! “Paul, you know we keep the lotion in the nightstand.”

“I’m giving you the authentic Stubenville experience. Do you think we walked around with lotion in our back pockets?”

“I could have licked it for you.” As a teenager Jerry only knew one other boy, Bernie Schwartz. He spit in his hand just like Dean. Jerry thought it was just as disgusting back then. One day, he took Bernie’s hand and licked his palm. Whenever lotion wasn’t available, this was the technique Jerry used on himself.

Dean smirked. “I never asked but I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to use your own spit.”  

“Oh.” They hadn’t even started and already Jerry was fucking up the rules.  

Dean slowly rubbed his thumb over the head. He bit his lip the tiniest bit in reaction, then his whole hand stroked his shaft at the same pace. “Wake up, little Dino.”

Jerry felt mild irritation at Dean’s joke. He soon forgot though as Dean started pleasuring himself in earnest. Now, it was Jerry’s turn to bite his lip.

It didn’t take long for little Dino to “wake up”. Dean was so casual in his movement, Jerry half expected him to be smoking a cigarette. Like the time Jerry was on his knees and saw Dean seductively blow out a puff of smoke. To Dean, that act was a part of guy stuff. He’d drop his pants in front of a willing guy without a second thought. Little did he know, he had that in common with Jerry. Usually, Jerry got lost in thought about the emotions such intimacies brought him. Instead, he caught a glimpse of Dean’s erect cock and had to swallow back the saliva pooling in his mouth. Down boy, he thought to himself as he let go of his knees and crossed one leg tightly over the other. Jerry was sure in the right circumstances he could say, “hey, Paul, I’ve got a better idea.” Yet, these weren’t the right circumstances. As casual as Dean made guy stuff sound there was a delicate complexity to the rules. A guy sucking you off was doing you a favor. Guys helping guys. He couldn’t WANT to do that. Or worse, enjoy every part of it. Why was it when Jerry said he loved the taste of a woman no one told him he was demeaning himself?    

Dean leaned back and supported his weight on one elbow as his hand moved in quicker and quicker strokes. Jerry could see the pre come glisten on his tip and the small spot where it accidentally touched Dean’s stomach. He couldn’t keep his eyes off Dean’s hand. Dean had such control. A firm grip but he didn’t choke it. His hand glided with purpose as he made that cock do exactly what he wanted.

Dean’s breath came in short gasps and Jerry knew from experience he was getting close. Watching Dean come was a beautiful experience even when Jerry wasn’t the source of his pleasure. He let out a masculine grunt followed by a satisfied moan.

Jerry sat there taking in the sight. Dean mentioned something about getting a towel. “I’ll get it,” Jerry said hopping up from his chair. This wasn’t the first time he did this for Dean but those other times he needed the towel too. This seemed so much more intimate. “You know, you shouldn’t concentrate on your cock so much.”

Dean raised an eyebrow. “You have a problem with my technique?”

“No. It’s fine technique but you left out some important areas.”

“Like what?”

“Your balls. Not to mention you never touched your thighs or nipples. Paul, your other hand wasn’t doing anything at all.”

Dean stared at Jerry with a slight smirk. “Your first time watching and already you’re a critic?”

Jerry looked away, not comfortable with the first time remark. “Yeah, well, as you saw this morning I have some experience in the art of providing pleasure to one’s self. Not to mention I’ve also directed a few people on how to touch me. You made a mistake a lot of broads make. They think all they have to do is wax the pole and when we come they consider it a job well done. Friction is a fine thing. But there’s also caressing, teasing, and that most marvelous form of touch, massage. I treat little Jerry real good but the way I treat my body dictates how well little Jerry treats me. If I ignore my body then I won’t get as great of a reward. You see what I mean, Dino?”  

“Are you comparing me to a broad?”

Little Jerry must have liked hearing his name because it felt like he was going to pop up and say hello any minute. Holding back his arousal was not something Jerry was good at. Jerry bit his lip and looked down at the towel in his hand. He tossed it aside like his own inhibitions. “I’ll show you.” Jerry began unbuttoning his shirt. Each undone button was like shedding away the years of fear and uncertainty. Dean wasn’t the only boy who asked Jerry for a show but he was going to be the only one who saw it.

[wtfdavidsvlogs]

It’s over, David, I’m done (D.D)

Warnings: Sad af, Cheating, swearing

Requested: @tremendously-sassy-c-dizzle said

I need something really really sad with nooo happy ending!! Something where like David and y/n is in a fight so David goes out an ends up sleeping with another girl and when y/n finds out she ends it with him.. I need it to be really really sad please almost to the point of me crying!

Gif by: @funeralediunsogno and @fotokopicibierkek

Song inspiration:

“Why is it always a battle with you, Y/N?! It’s never good enough for you!” David said shoving his finger in my face.

“Well maybe if you weren’t always such and asshole to me whenever I ask you step back from the vlogs, or hell, take a week off.” I scream back at him.

“I have told you before, I can’t just ‘take a break’ it’s not that fucking simple.” He yelled standing up and grabbing his head.

“It has always been that simple, David. I mean fuck I don’t think your viewers as much as you care about them, would mind if you took a small break.” I yelled.

“I can’t keep doing this over and over with you every fucking time I post. I deserve a supportive girlfriend and it’s obvious I don’t have it here.” David said staring me right in the soul. “Get out.” He said no sign of him kidding at all. Tears ran down my face as I scoffed at him. I walked slowly to his apartment door. I turned around having one last thing to say to him.

“I never nor will I ever not support you, David. That is all I have ever done for you. Encouraged vlogs you thought wouldn’t do well, said your outfits for award shows looked nice, helped you through your OCD, your anxiety, your depression, EVERYTHING! I WAS THE ONE THAT WAS THERE FOR YOU, DAMNIT! ME! SO YOU DONT GET THE RIGHT TO CALL ME UNSUPPORTIVE!” I say little drops of spit uncontrollably flying out of my mouth. At this point I didn’t even care if his neighbors could hear me screaming at the top of my lungs. He just stood there with tears in his eyes.

“Exactly what I thought you would say...nothing.” I said now practically crying. I turn and quickly walk out of his place. I don’t leave the building yet. I hesitate to leave. I turn to knock at the door again. I raise my hand to the door. But stop. I just stop. I slowly look at my hand and bring it back down. I let out a sob and turned to leave.

Davids Pov

Fuck her. She has only ever been a bitch to me about everything I do. And yes I don’t just forget about the times we’ve had together that were amazing but that doesn’t even matter if she is gonna be like this all the time. I’m just gonna try to forget about her. I go to the kitchen and grab whiskey. I pour a large amount into a glass. I raise the glass to my lips and quickly down the entire thing. I grunt at the burning sensation going down my throat. I grab my phone and go to my contacts I scroll till I find the person I want to call. I tap the call button and so raise the phone up to my ear.

BRRRRR

BRRRRR

BRR-

“Hey”

“I need your help.” I say to her on the other line.

Your Pov

I made a big mistake just leaving him. He has been alone for hours if he feels even remotely as bad as I feel right now, then it can’t be good. I was driving down the highway and I decide to exit and then merge onto the opposite side of the freeway. I needed to see him and have a calm heart to heart with him. We left things off on a very hostile level. I text my roommate that I’d be home late so that she could leave the door unlocked. I put my hand on my head just thinking about me and David. I have always supported him, and I always will. Is it really so bad that I suggest a break from it for a little while? He works his ass off to the point where I would be crying. I just care about him so much. I’m gonna go and set this all straight. I want my baby back.

I had arrived at his apartment again and got out my car. I went to the elevator. I hit the floor his apartment was on. He was kinda dumb when it came to locking his door so I usually just walk right in.

“Babe? I just wanted to come back to set things straight. I know we left things off really bad but I just wanna talk.” I say looking around for him. I walk into the apartment to find Alex and Dom on the couch. They both look at me, their eyes wide.

“Hey guys where is David I really need to talk to him.” I say placing my bag on the couch.

“He’s not here!” They say quickly after I ask.

“Okay, then where is he?” I ask them.

“With Brandon and Jason.” Alex says

“Party.” Dom says at the same time. I furrow my eyebrows in confusion.

“At a party with Brandon and Jason.” Alex says averting his eyes from mine.

“Stop lying! Where is he?” I said crossing my arms. They looked at each other like they were flustered. I suddenly hear a thud come from the other room. I turn to go to Davids room. I as half way there when I felt arms wrap around my waist and stop me from walking. My socks sliding like a reverse moon walk. They start to drag me back. I push on their arms but it’s no use they are 10x stronger then me. I think of idea. I fall to my knees and slip out of their grasp. I jump over the couch and run to Davids room. I can hear them behind me stumbling over themselves. I walk to Davids door and open it. I look at his bed to see him in bed. With Liza.

“What the fuck is this?!” I scream. The boys had finally reached me but it was too late. I looked at Liza and she was all over David still regardless of the fact that I had caught them. My mouth falls open and tears automatically start to fall from my eyes.

“Listen, Y/N, I can explain.” David said throwing on pants quickly to come and talk with me.

“Don’t. Don’t even bother. It’s over, David, I’m done.” I said my voice cracking a couple times.

“Please no, don’t leave. I made a mistake.” He said running after me. I was already at the door. All three of them now looking at me.

“Alex, Dom, I will talk to you guys later. David, I hope I never do again. I said and slammed the door behind me.

Davids Pov

She has to know that I love her. I went to my room and got clothes on. I have just made the biggest mistake of my life. I was butt hurt and now I am losing the most amazing woman on the planet. I run down the stairs not even bothering with the elevator. I can’t believe myself. I was so selfish. How could I hurt someone like her. The one person that I never want to feel pain, and I’m the one that caused it. I got to the end of the stairs and I saw her outside the window and in her car with her hand over her mouth. I felt tears burning my eyes. I run out of the building and to her car. I reach her and her window is open. As soon as I got there she rolled her window up and shut me out.

“Please, please open the window.” She looked at me and rolled down the window. Only slightly.

“Thank you-“ She cut me off with putting her finger up.

“No. I’m gonna speak. Today has officially been the worst of my life. I have been hurt so much that it is beyond repair. David Dobrik, I loved you. There wasn’t a time in our relationship once when I questioned my love, stopped loving you. But you have hurt me so so badly I can barely fucking breathe. So if you don’t mind, I’m gonna leave.” She said her frail voice cracking from crying. She rolled up her window and pull back. She was out of my sight and out my life. She was right. I hurt her. I threw my hat off my head and sat on the stair. (FIRST GIF). I had lost the best thing that has ever happened to me.

This was so sad to write. Sorry if this made you sad or in the person requesting stand point I hope you are sad. REQUESTS ARE OPEN SEND EM IN. Thanks guys❤️🔆

[alia15]

STDs Mean Something Different & Other Things I’ve Learned (So Far) From Wedding Planning

Hey! I got engaged recently; did you hear? (UM YES ALLISON, WE KNOW). Also, this is exclusively a wedding-themed blog now. Sorry.

Kidding! It’s bad enough I don’t even recognize myself lately -- for example I’ve been watching marathons of TLC’s “Say Yes to the Dress” on Hulu, WHO AM I?!?! -- but I certainly don’t need to inundate you all with real-time updates as I plan my upcoming wedding. And yes, UPCOMING -- as in, this fall. 

2019. 

*Gulp*

But I am in the thick of planning this shindig and as someone who NEVER:

Thought about planning a wedding

Had a Pinterest page dedicated to their dream wedding

Did, considered, or even imagined ANYTHING wedding-related, ever

...I certainly have a lot to learn. And I am learning, every day. I mean, let’s keep it Benjamin Franklin one hundo here: whenever I’d been asked in the past what style of engagement ring I liked, I’d say “I don’t know, circle-shaped?” 

I was the anti bride.

But my love of party-planning, OCD organization and lists has made this process pretty fun and hell, I’ll say it -- even easy -- so far. We booked our date and venue within 48 hours of getting engaged (#NotPregnant), I got my dress the following week, and quickly after those things were done, we: secured a Reverend to marry us, got our DJ, set dates and locations for my bridal shower and bachelorette parties, and sent a deposit for our mini-moon. 

DAMN I’M GOOD.

There’s still WAY more to be done and I know it won’t all be seamless, joyful and stress-free, but I wanted to pause for a sec and share with you some of the things I’ve learned this past month as I plan for the big day. Starting with:

It helps to be decisive & know what you want. I’m a Libra, and Libras are known for being indecisive. Um? It ain’t me. I don’t mull over anything; I typically make a choice, am happy with the choice, and don’t second-guess the choice. Well, turns out that’s REALLY helpful when it comes to wedding planning. Guess what? The venue we booked was the first and only venue we looked at. My dress? After a not-so-great experience at the first bridal place, I found a dress online I LOVED, went to a place that had it, tried it on and that was it. Done. People have been telling me to give myself plenty of options for things and even if I love something, keep looking elsewhere so I have something to compare it to. Nah...I’m good. If I love it and there’s no hesitation: we’re gonna go with it. 

THANK U, NEXT!

Online bride groups are scary. Uh, not much else to add there. I was warned about this, joined a few on Facebook anyway and IMMEDIATELY left them all. There was too much hysteria and insanity and drama and I was beyond overwhelmed. Bye. 

You’re gonna get a lot of advice. From everyone. Advice...can be good. Great, even. I’ve had really helpful conversations with friends and family where they’ve given me clarity or even caused me to changed my mind about something and I’m SO glad I did. But the second you get a ring placed on your finger, the unsolicited, occasionally unwanted, and sometimes even downright unhelpful advice starts being thrown your way. If someone suggests that I do something and I don’t agree or don’t want to do it, I simply thank them and leave it be. 

Shit is expensive. If you’ve ever experienced planning a wedding, you know this. Hell, even I kind of knew this. But there are certain things you expect to pay a pretty penny for, and then there are things like invitations and you’re just like -- it’s paper? That people throw out? Can’t I just send an Evite or something?

Also, to the photographer who told me their rates START at $8500: bless your heart. 

STDs mean WHAT now? Oh wow, weddings have their own damn rules when it comes to acronyms, huh? During my brief stint in one of the aforementioned bridal groups on Facebook, one of the first posts I saw was a bride-to-be asking her fellow brides a VERY alarming question:

“Hey ladies! Where did you get your STDs?”

Say what now?! I IMMEDIATELY looked at the comments because I thought I was in the wrong place and accidentally stumbled upon a Planned Parenthood page and saw, “Minted! I love mine!”

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Save the Dates. STDs. Got it. 

A friend of mine also told me that in the wedding world bridesmaids are often referred to as “BMs.” Come on, guys. 

You’ll never feel more loved in your damn life. And honestly? Not just from your fiancé. Getting engaged was such an incredibly special moment for me, but this past month I’ve felt truly overwhelmed by all the love in my life coming from friends and family, too. Gifts, cards, phone calls, FaceTimes, texts, eagerness to help out with planning, you name it: I’m truly feeling all the love and excitement from the people in our lives. People WANT to hear about the details and how things are going and everyone’s generosity has just been indescribable. 

So there ya have it! We’re one month into this thang and I wanted to keep you all in the loop of my planning experiences. I’m sure I’ll be dropping by occasionally to fill you in on the latest -- and I’d love to hear from you ESPECIALLY if you’re currently in the midst of wedding planning, too! Like, if you wanna show me your STDs or whatever; I’m down. 

[free--therapy]

thank you for answering and always being so kind to me 🥺

i have been wondering something....does me asking you for reassurance on different things a compulsion? since i have anxiety about developing ocd, i keep wondering if random habits/actions of mine are compulsions 😭

since when a worry seems too big or confusing to me, i usually ask you for advice or even just share/vent it out. since even just sharing it to you helps that worry seem smaller and much more manageable. it could be a worry about anything- my behaviour, mistakes or even me worrying about health, disorders and stuff.

in some cases....like mistakes...i wanted to get opinions from many people about what they think and in a way, i also seeked reassurance that i really did deserve happiness despite all. but after a lot of asking around, i eventually came to a conclusion that anyhow i need to move on from the past and that means, whether something bad happened to me or whether i did something bad. either way, i had to move on from it and stop ruminating it in my head. i decided that if any of my past actions were big enough to really affect someone's life seriously then i have to apologise but other than that, i don't need to. this is because i kept wondering if i should be apologising for every small mistake or bad action and it was driving me crazy. thankfully, I'm understanding better now that i don't need to do all of that and i can just let myself be at peace and move on without feeling like something is holding me back.

but in case of anxiety like me wondering if its ocd, when i start worrying if xyz habit is a compulsion i usually remind myself that its not bad or troublesome for me and that im just overthinking it. i remind myself that what is really bothering me are these thoughts rather than those behaviours themselves.

but when my worry seems very big or anxiety inducing, i write to to ask for advice or even just to vent. because even when i just share it, it seems less overwhelming than before and in that way, i can think about it in a more calm, rational way. so in that way, whenever i get too worried about any worry, i usually want to get someone's advice on it or even just share it with someone to feel reassured and to think more calmly. it's a habit that helps me cope in a way but i also realize that i should not depend too much on it. i don't think its a compulsion but i do usually want to get reassurance when i get too worried about something and i don't know if that's normal with anxiety or if that's a problem.

but idk recently, I've started wondering if me seeking for reassurance....is that a compulsion? and does it mean ocd? or is it okay? am i overthinking again?

Hey Anon!

Asking me for reassurance is not a compulsion, but it's definitely a trauma response. You likely didn't or still don't get much reassurance or validation from your family/parents/mentors, so you seek it elsewhere. There's nothing to be ashamed of however, because so many people deal with this, including myself. I had to learn how to give that reassurance and validation to myself though, but every now and then I'll share how I'm feeling with other people to see what they have to say about it.

I'm glad that you're coming to a place where you can give yourself that peace of mind that not all of your mistakes need to be apologized for! That's excellent progress and I hope you continue to work on it :)

Whatever helps you process things the best, do that! I use to journal a lot because I didn't have someone like myself to go to to see if what I was freaking out over seemed crazy or not, or sometimes I had to wait a while until my next therapy appointment.

You're definitely overthinking, Anon! I know I've mentioned it to you in the past, but I don't believe you have OCD ;)

[sinesalvatorem]

Response To Endecision, Pt 3

(Endecision’s post can be found here. My masterpost about these responses can be found here.)

And, though she hasn’t directly accused me of this, I did cheat on her. This was in the midst of a really horrible, isolating mono-poly situation which I had stupidly agreed to because she was upset at me whenever I did anything vaguely poly-like (for example if she saw me kissing someone at a party she would run out of the room), until, not knowing what to do, I finally broke up with all my other partners. (Meanwhile she would brag about making out with people in front of me, or have sex with other people in my bed and not wash the sheets.) This does not excuse me cheating on her, but I regret agreeing to that arrangement and think it was exceedingly unfair to me, and I didn’t have any way out of it short of breaking up with her which was unfeasible for reasons detailed above.

This is roughly what happened. In the course of being in one of my first relationships ever, and definitely my first particularly committed one, I realised I wasn’t actually polyamorous. And this was very very much a problem because 1) Endecision was, and 2) we were engaged.

But we still tried to make it work. At first by me trying to be OK with polyamory, which I failed at and became miserable. Then, later, by her trying to be OK with monogamy, which she also ended up miserable with.

The reason it was a mixed poly/mono situation is because, in the discussions with Endecision around her becoming monogamous, I said I also planned to be monogamous and she said she wasn’t interested in that. That she didn’t feel jealousy, didn’t want me to break up with any other partners of mine, and would feel far more pressure to provide for my emotional needs if I was her only option. So I decided to continue pursuing other relationships, because that was what she wanted.

As it happened, I was kind of bad at it, and my other romantic relationships sort of atrophied or gradually became more Platonic. But I still tried going on dates with people, kissing people, and having vaguely undesirable sex with other people as part of trying to become more poly, or at least have partners outside of Endecision to avoid her feeling any sort of pressure. I was just kind of bad at it.

Also, she writes about me bragging in front of her about making out with people as if this was due to thoughtlessness on my part, but this was everything she telegraphed wanting. When I mentioned to her once that I’d tried having sex with a few people, she excitedly bounced up and down asking “Who did you bang!? Who did you bang!?” like it was the hottest gossip. And then, when I admitted that it had all been kind of dull and mostly undesirable, she was crestfallen. (Most likely because it meant not being able to avoid pressuring her this way.) So, basically, I continued doing poly stuff because she wanted me to and I wanted to become more the kind of person that would be able to have the relationship style she wanted.

Then she cheated on me. Even before she did, I had started suspecting she planned to and been anxious. A week into her actual affair, I couldn’t take it anymore and asked her if she was actually cheating on me. And she lied to my face, as she has often done, but this time it was too blatantly obvious and I was too hurt to let it slide. So I pointed out that I could tell she was lying, and she denied it, and I noted that that too was a lie. And this back and forth of her lying directly to me and me calling her on it happened for half a dozen cycles until she finally just admitted to the affair, who it was with, what they had done, etc.

And I felt absolutely crushed, but I tried to push that down. Our wedding had been only a month before and her admission of cheating on me had been on the two year anniversary of our relationship. But the most important thing to me then was preserving our relationship, so I concealed and didn’t feel. I graciously forgave her for it, even as she cried and talked about what a bad person she was. And I unilaterally took on all the emotional labour demands of repairing our relationship from her cheating, planning for us to go on dates and everything to put things back together.

But that failed to actually make our relationship any healthier, which I honestly should have expected, but I was completely deluded by love and wishful thinking. Within two weeks, I was back to running away from home to hide from her wrath.

Oh, and I’m reasonably confident she doesn’t actually regret cheating on me. At least not cheating in general. This is because, when we sat down for mediated talks to see what could be salvaged in our relationship, I had a friend of mine present to act as emotional support for me. And, between the first and second meetings of our talks, she started an affair with this friend that she never disclosed to me.

In the second talk, I presented as a pure gift permission to be as poly as she wanted, which I got to by just convincing myself to be OK with arbitrary amounts of emotional pain. And, even in that meeting, neither of them spoke up about the fact that the poly sanctioning was a bit after-the-fact. Instead, my supposed supporter congratulated me on being so “brave” in doing this. The absolute gall.

So, to be clear, she didn’t just cheat on me and then regret it. She cheated on me, lied about it, let me take on the full emotional burden of repairing the relationship from her cheating, and then cheated on me again with a person who was supposed to be helping us fix our relationship. If you can name a way to absolutely fuck up a reconciliation, I can bet you that it happened three different ways.

However, I was never being malicious or trying to hurt her, as she has accused me of doing. And, to be clear because a lot of her recent posts have been ambiguous about who did what, I have never sexually assaulted her, hit her, or choked her. I don’t know who “getting the Big Reveal that actually my partner wanted to do kink because they directly valued my suffering and would be just as happy to hurt me outside of kink” was about, but I did nothing of the sort. The stuff I listed above is the only stuff I did.

She also forbade me to leave the house without her when we lived with her parents (but was also unwilling to go with me to visit friends, leaving me trapped), isolated me from forming any connection to her family (going so far as to stand between me and her mom when we were in the room together), and berated me at every opportunity when I spent time with her friends.

Also at the time when we were living with her parents, I asked her what she’d do if we ever broke up, and she said she’d probably kill herself. Then, after a beat, said that this didn’t mean I should feel pressured not to break up with her. But, like, there’s kind of a limit to how much one can feel completely unencumbered by their fiancee saying any variant of “If you leave me I’ll kill myself”. Meanwhile, she accuses me of having suicide-threatened her because of a time when I said I didn’t have the mental energy to keep trying to survive while homeless in London. As is the generally-emerging pattern, if she says that I did something to her, she probably did it to me too, and possibly even more egregiously.

She pressured me into sex that I didn’t want a couple times, as she has accused me of doing to her, and I admit to and regret. She’s not the one who directly valued my suffering in kink stuff, but she did reveal to me that on the occasions when we had done kink things together she had been trying to find weaknesses so she could actually for real hurt me in a potential fight (remember the knife I was afraid of?), which was equally violating and horrifying.

She would yell at me if I let an object that was OCD-pure (like the very bed I slept in) touch something that was OCD-impure (like clothing that had been worn while outside, whether or not it touched anything). The last event before I decided I actually needed out was when @wearsshoes had come over to my house and moved Endecision’s pillow from the bedroom to a (OCD-impure) bed in the living room, which I didn’t notice in time to prevent, and which Endecision yelled at me for (including following me around when I was trying to get out the house).

But, despite the fact that I clearly ruined any bed I interacted with, she still tried to pressure me to accompany her on a work trip (complete with vaguely threatening statements about what la migra would think if I didn’t go) and share a bed with her and everything, after I was completely convinced that I wanted as little contact with her as possible, because she didn’t want to deal with the awkwardness of telling her colleagues I wasn’t going. And, as noted, cheated on me twice (at least; there’s no way she’d tell me if she had done so a hundred times), including while in the middle of talks on how to unfuck our lives.

And so on and so forth and similar etc. There isn’t enough paper in the library of congress to describe every type of mistreatment she subjected me to, much less to detail every incident. If she ever says that what she’s listed is “the only stuff [she] did”, then you can tell that the lie is at best of omission.

A pattern I noticed with Alison is that she seldom directly asks for anything. Instead, she will suffer, or need something, or be upset at you, very hard until you do what she wants. Later she will deny responsibility for this, because she hadn’t directly asked for anything, act like you did what she wanted because you just wanted to, and be upset if you say otherwise.

This is... sort of true? Or, at least, is pointing at a true thing? I am bad at asking for things, and was significantly worse in the past. This is related to my having been very bad at saying no to things, and as a result not wanting to make other people deal with direct requests either.

However, I often have problems that I have a hard time solving on my own, so I just let them get worse and worse in the background. And then other people in my life notice that this thing is falling apart and offer to help fix it. However, everything in my life is always falling apart, so they have often been drawn into a pattern of helping with more and more things until they burn out completely.

This is obviously bad for the people who burn out, and is also bad for me since I can’t actually develop any sort of stability when help only happens sporadically when I look injured enough publicly enough. Plus, I often can’t even tell when it’s happening. Is this person helping me out because they have comfortable surplus and want to be nice, or because they feel obligated to deal with something that’s making me noticeably miserable and are near the end of their rope for dealing with it?

Which is why these days I try harder to actually state what my problems are and ask for specific help. Which I am super bad at, but making progress on. I also wrote a Tumblr post about the phenomenon of people burning out trying to help me, and try to warn anyone who starts getting involved in my life about this trend. And, possibly most importantly, I try to direct more of my requests and reliance to people with stronger boundaries.

Recently, while we were investigating legal aid for me, my boyfriend explicitly capped how much of his own money he was willing to spend helping me on this, and I loved him so much for doing so. I’m now trying to surround myself with people like this who’ll tell me no, so that I can feel capable of asking for anything in the first place. And, someday, I hope this will mean I can actually avoid hurting people.

[hartlessfiction]

wtf can u rec me some good long destiel bdsm fics????

I SURE CAN! Thank you for asking.

The following fics are what I could come up with right now. Also, I’ve learned I need to tag my fics better in my bookmarks.... So, all the fics listed here should be complete and most are over 100k. Enjoy!

I’ll Be Good by LittleAngelCassie Heavy BDSM Word Count- 108,834

Summary: Dean has always been the good guy. He made the hard decisions and rose to the occasion whenever his family needed him. He became a parent way too soon after the deaths of John and Mary Winchester along with Sam’s big oops moment. Resettling his entire life to Beaufort, NC for the sake of those he loves the most.Now at 25 an opportunity to finally be good to himself has been delivered in the form of one gorgeous Castiel Novak. The new arrival to town is the worst driver Dean has ever seen. As the eldest Winchester strives to overcome several bumps along the road of life can he also help Cas to steer towards a happily ever after with him or will Novak’s turbulent past cause them to crash and burn?In other words a BDSM love story.

SextersAnon.com by Unforth : A 4 part series that deals with some seriously heavy BDSM themes. Read at your own risk. Word Count- 169,136

Summary: After years of self-imposed celibacy, Castiel Novak decides to seek an anonymous sexual partner to engage in long-distant text-based activities. Things get personal quickly, though...

I Wanna Get Outside (Of Me) by emwebb17 HEAVY BDSM Word Count 142,717

Summary: Dean is a novice in the dom/sub world asked by his employer as a desperate last resort to be a sub for his recluse of a brother, Castiel. Castiel is a diagnosed OCD suffering from PTSD and agoraphobia, mysophobia, and dystychiphobia. Needless to say—he’s a mess who hasn’t stepped out of his home in literally seven years. The only times Gabriel can see traces of the way his brother used to be is when he feels in control—specifically when he has control over a sub. However, due to his idiosyncrasies and paranoia, keeping a sub around has been impossible. Enter Dean, who’s not a very traditional submissive, to try his hand at subbing for the hermit.

Tilted Mercy by LittleAngelCassie A/B/O Fic with HEAVY BDSM. Word Count- 111,295

Summary: The sins of the past never stay buried; Dean’s spent years trying to suppress the memories and nightmares that chase him relentlessly. The now 35-year-old Omega entered the BDSM lifestyle seeking penance for his crimes against humanity hoping to rectify all his wrongs through his own pain.After a particularly frightening encounter, Dean agrees to try a different approach to his self-atonement. Compassion was never in the cards until Castiel Novak showed up at his door, pushing Dean’s boundaries and forcing him to face this new reality that includes a possible future with the handsome alpha.Welcome to a new world twisting ABO and BDSM, where somewhere between retribution and redemption lies …Tilted Mercy.

Pitchers and Catchers by Unforth: This is a DCJ fic, with light BDSM , if you’re into that. Word count- 122,630

Summary: In his entire career, from Little League to the pros, Castiel Novak has only ever pitched to his twin brother Jimmy Novak. When circumstances force him to need to find a new catcher, Castiel knows there's no replacement for his brother...

Hot Water by Chiyume : Light BDSM Word Count- 151,065

Summary: Castiel hated public showers.In which Castiel is forced to use the company shower after hours and ends up doing unspeakable things he never thought himself capable of...AU-fic containing mystery attractions and a lot of hot water.

I Can Make You Scared by Dangerousnotbroken Heavy BDSM- Word Count 139,511

Summary: So this is how it goes. Best day of Dean Winchester’s life. Loses his job, finds out he’s been cheated on, gets dumped, all in the course of one fucked up Thursday. Drinking himself into oblivion is the natural response, right? A chance encounter in a dingy dive bar gives Dean a new friend who sees his problems and likes him anyway. Now, as Dean struggles to pick up the pieces of his life, Castiel just might help him put them back together in a way he never expected.

Full Circle by Jhoom: This is a D/C/J with Light BDSM. Word Count 39,205

Summary: Jimmy learns the hard way that first impressions tend to stick. If only he’d thought about that the first time Cas had introduced him to Dean.

Coming Out of My Cage by Unforth Heavy BDSM- Word Count 8.297 shorter fic but totally worth it.

Summary: Doms have to act a certain way: everyone knows that. Stand tall, walk proud, be bold, take control. Dean's played along his whole life, acting as biology dictate he should, while all the while he longed for someone to put him in his place.Finding a club that catered to anonymous hook-ups, no questions asked, was easy.Putting on the collar, and finding a dom willing to take a chance on a "sub" who doesn't look the part? That might be a bit harder...

Structured Clutter by Mayalaen Heavy BDSM and Domestic Discipline Word Count- 17,827

Summary: Dean doesn't know what to expect when Master Chuck, the loving owner he and other family members had grown up with, transfers ownership of him to Castiel Novak, the black sheep of the family who doesn't want a slave, who doesn't know what to do with one, and who never asked for this.

Take the Lead by JinxedAmbitions Heavy BDSM -Word Count- 66,586

Summary: Castiel is one of the world's biggest rock stars. Lead singer of The Garrison. He's living a life of decadence, but he can't come up with inspiration for their next album, and they're supposed to be back in the studio in a matter of weeks. It's no secret that The Garrison's music is mostly about Castiel's sex life, and the man experiments in lovemaking as often as he does with the band's sound. Now, Cas needs a new sexual experience to inspire his music.Dean Winchester is a Mixed Martial Artist with a reputation for being able to take a hard hit and being able to deliver an even harder one. Having a fight in Vegas is surreal for the Kansas native. Being propositioned by a rock star after the fight is equally surreal. First of all, Castiel is decidedly male with a reputation with the ladies as sordid as Dean's own. Second, his proposition to be at Dean's mercy in the bedroom is as ridiculous as it is intriguing

Mine From the Start by nhpw Heavy BDSM- Word Count- 13,675

Summary: Castiel is a bratty submissive used to getting what he wants. Dean is a disciplined Dominant who promises to give him what he NEEDS.

Go Down With This Ship by PorcupineGirl Light BDSM very fluffy Word Count 31,354

Summary: Since he has to stay deep in the closet to protect his job as a children’s librarian in conservative Wichita, Kansas, Dean’s main outlet for sexual frustration is writing and reading slash fiction for his favorite show, Devil Boys. When he starts corresponding with AngelofThursday, another male slash writer in his ship, he really is just looking for friendship… but when it seems like more might be on the table, he’s not going to turn it down. If only he didn’t also have a crush on Cas, the hot volunteer at his library branch…

Appoggiatura Verse by ceeainthereforthat Rope Bondange Light BDSM very cute and fluffy. Word Count 125,156

Summary: Castiel leaves the religious commune of Heaven Farms to study classical piano after winning a full scholarship paid for by the Deanna Campbell Memorial Foundation, and answers an ad in the campus newspaper: 1 bedroom to let. Meals provided. 50mb wifi, quiet odd music student preferred.

Orpheus by sysrae Heavy BDSM rape/non-con warning Word Count- 84007

Summary: The club is Dante's, the room is the Cage, and Dean is only there because he hates himself. He's buzzdrunk from the shots he had at the upstairs bar, and dizzy from the heat. Ugly music thumps his bones, the juddering bassline overlaid with exactly the sort of discordant techno-trash he otherwise wouldn't stomach in a fit. The Cage smells of sweat, sex and spilled beer, the tight space full of half- and near-naked bodies gyrating against each other and – shit, is that guy actually naked? He is, and the two men sandwiching him on the dancefloor look pretty pleased about it. Dean, in his jeans and tee, is practically overdressed, and as he stands there, equal parts aroused and ashamed, he has a brief moment of clarity. Get out. Go home. Stop punishing yourself.Almost, he does. But through the din and crush, he suddenly feels eyes on him, and when he finds their owner, he remembers why he came.

Quick Question.....? Is it rude if I add my own verse in here? Yes? I’m doing it anyway.....

String Theory Verse by NadiaHart Heavy BDSM, time jumps, incomplete(sorry). Word Count 40,438

Summary: Dean's night started out normal enough. Work two jobs, come home to his closet of an apartment, drink what ever shitty beer is in his mini fridge. He RVSP’s to the party at his local BDSM club and maybe– if he's lucky– he'll find a service top to beat his ass so red he'll forget about his shit life for two seconds. 

Well that was how it was supposed to go anyway. It was supposed to be a normal night, but what's normal for Dean Winchester anyway? A message from a close friend changes everything and maybe, just maybe, Dean's finally found the Dom he's been looking for. Now if he just doesn't fuck it up.

This one isn’t Destiel its Spideypool but it is in my top 3 favorite BDSM fics ever so I’m including it.

fall out, boy, so i can fall in(to you) by TheMadKatter13 HEAVY BDSM Heavy use of fall out boy lyrics. Serious themes Word Count 78,441

Summary: Deadpool keeps having sex with Peter and Peter… Peter keeps letting him.

Thank you Nonny. I hope this list shows you something new! I’d love to hear back from you. Which did you enjoy? Did you find any favorites?