why-horror

[why-horror]

Recovery Assignment

          For this recover assessment, I decided to research a comic artist who talks about OCD. Their name is Lilly Williams and, on their website, they have multiple comics that deal with their OCD. After exploring more of their website, they even listed numerous links that help those who need to talk to somebody about OCD. I find myself relating to these comics, even to what the artist has to say in their statement. OCD IS a beast which can cause one feeling isolated and tumultuous. I really like Lilly’s comic, “My OCD Story” where they go into detail about their time with OCD. The pictures start off really dark and blue and red. Signifying the bad and emotional parts of OCD. There are speech bubbles all over the artists head signifying the thoughts she has when she is experiencing a bad episode. I relate to this a lot, especially with the repeating numbers and words. It is really hard for me to sleep at night because my brain keeps repeating the same thing over and over again and will not stop unless I think about something else. As the comic progresses, you can see the change in Lilly, she even turns into a lighter purple. She recognizes that she has people and herself to help her when it comes to having another bad episode. The ending made me tear up as I genuinely felt that my OCD was controlling ever bit of my life. I was worried I had no control over myself and the delusions made everything much worse. But after getting medication and working through with multiple therapists, I now know how I am supposed to act and behave. I definitely want to add more to my Tumblr page with more comics about my illnesses. I know reading Lilly’s story I felt better about myself so I want to do the same when people see my comics.

[why-horror]

This comic is called Galatians 4:16 due to many reasons. I had (and still do) have a rocky relationship with both religion and God. I was once a believer and a strong one too. 

The first panel is of me with the galaxy as my face (which is a common theme in this comic) as I still have agnostic views. The galaxy bubble represents how I have a lot of space in my mind and how I allowed his figure to fill up my head with what I believed was true  where I strongly believed I was chosen by God simply because I was able to see and talk to Him. The second panel shows how I would pray constantly, begging to hear something from him, until I one day heard his voice. I remember praying “why my brother” and hearing him say “because it’s you, Nathalie. You are the reason why” and I believed it ever since. After I heard him talk for the first time, we would talk all night when it was my bedtime. I remember being so young, but filled with joy whenever it was time for bed because that meant useless conversations with God. And we would talk and talk until I fell asleep. He stook with me, but when I woke up he’d disappear. After years of talking, I slowly found myself discovering myself more. I would slowly stop praying and stop going to church frequently. I could tell it made him angry. But I still lived my life. Until the day after Valentines, I attempted. I remember praying asking for help, but I did not get a response. “Should I do it? Answer me, please?”. Instead, I had a full blown psychosis episode and attempted. After that attempt, I never heard from God for a while. I remember praying in the hospital bed, praying in my room at the mental hospital, constantly reading the bible, still believing I was the chosen one, because that’s what He said, right? 

But received nothing.

Not even a peep.

And I caught myself feeling guilty. And the cycle would start again where I tried to get his attention. And I’d feel guilty again. 

Until over the summer, I found myself in a healthy state of mind again. After my attempt I was diagnosed with Bipolar with Psychotic symptoms, OCD, depression, and more. It all started to make sense when I realized my OCD and psychosis played a huge role in how I viewed religion. The OCD symptoms where it feels like God was constantly watching me, judging my every move which then developed to the delusion that I was chosen and that I was meant to do something big in the world (thanks psychosis!). I remember getting better with medication and hearing his voice one night. He apologized, but instead of forgiving Him, I ignored him. And ever since, we haven’t had a conversation. I still struggle with the occasion guilt and “are you sure I am not the chosen one?” feelings, but they are so much easier to manage. They don’t fill my head with anxiety like they used to.    

Artist Statement:

I was inspired to talk about my OCD and Spiritual Psychosis because I want people to know what it actually is like to have these very detrimental mental health issues. I remember finding out what I had for the very first time and feeling like I was crazy because there are so many misconceptions of OCD and Psychosis that makes the issues seem less than what they actually are. OCD Is not about “perfection” and “straight” although that is a trait, does not mean that everyone has it. As for Psychosis, people think these people are “violent” and “weird” for seeing/hearing things that are not there or believing in something that is not true. 

I was inspired to put this comic on the internet because of Qahera. This artist puts their comics in the way I have mine set up and describes a little about the comic in the description. I really like this because it makes it easy to navigate and read. I was also inspired by Zahra’s Paradise, especially at the end where she is grieving the death of her son. I wanted something similar in the sense that I wanted the reader to feel the emotion. I added the one panel with mainly words about how I was feeling at the time. Adding a lot of text to one panel just shows how crowded my head felt when I would pray. 

This is not the original comic nor idea that I had when I was making this comic. I was originally going to have a sex superhero who was going to educate people on sex, kinks, and fetishes, however, as I was about to finish, I dropped my laptop and broke my screen. I was very upset at the fact that I had to restart again. And I dreaded it until last minute and now I am here posting this very late. I am glad that I got to get feedback on my last comic, but sad I could not get any for this comic. it is okay, though. I was able to do what I can in the time frame I was given. I learned that it is not okay to procrastinate, but it is okay to start over, even if it means again and again. I learned how to be patient and do things when I am in a better state of mind.