#that the whole job is to let me tire myself out into accepting help

[idolshineitai]

.

[arahdow]

WHO?! pt. 1

Pairing. Sonic x reader. Shadow x reader.

Content. fem reader. they mention another girls name as a prank. insecurities, angst but most of all hurt to comfort bcs in this house we appreciate aftercare after a sad moment. mhm humor.

Word count. 1.7 k

A/N. this is a two part post!! the reason i divided it was bcs i’m having a lot of trouble writing for silver and knuckles (i’m thinking on adding scourge too) 😫 so i’m trying to give myself some more time BUT in the meantime please have this and forgive me for not posting something of mine in a while 🤧 i assure you i’m working on different requests and ideas, so pls be patient and wait for the best!!

+ no beta read anddd a lil too ooc maybe

Sonic was always a prankster, but his prank backfired? That’s new…

Another tiring day at work, helping her coworkers get their job done even when she had her own work, doing extra hours, even walking home felt like a burden. She only wanted to lie down for at least the whole weekend. 

Sighing, she opened the door of her shared home with the blue hero, Sonic the hedgehog. He called himself a hero, something along the lines of ‘blue justice’ and she always laughed at his antics. She wanted nothing more than to hug him and sleep in his embrace.

As she walked to the kitchen, she heard Sonic humming and washing the pots he used to make dinner. He wasn’t used to cooking, but he liked to treat his girlfriend, especially when she went overtime.

“Hello.” She greeted, her voice weak as she noticed the delicious smell of the food he made.

Wiping his hands, he turned to his girlfriend, kissing her on the forehead. “Go and change, I'll be waiting darling.” 

The girl nodded with a sleepy smile and went to their room, before she could enter, Sonic yelled: “Be sure not to get asleep, Amy!” 

And it’s like her whole world crashed. Feeling like a cold splash of water running down her body, she soon felt her stomach drop. Amy? Why Amy? Was Amy there before? Why was he mentioning her? What?

A whole world of ‘what’s’ and ‘why’s’ ran through her head. Still, it wasn’t enough for her to stop feeling hungry, so, even if she wanted to stay by herself now, she knew if she didn’t eat she'd probably pass out in their shared room. 

Feeling a sting on her chest and throat, the girl changed herself and walked to the kitchen again. Her appetite forced her to meet her lover, but was he really tough? Was he still… Hers?

In silence, she sat beside Sonic starting to eat. The man looked at her confused but followed her movements without a word. She always thanked him for the food and let him have the first bite. It was a cute tradition between them and now she just went straight to eat. He couldn’t blame her, so he accepted it and kept on eating.

Sonic almost forgot the prank. Honestly, he was expecting some kind of teasing back, as his lover always had a callback, but now? She seemed too tired to add something of her own so he left it at that. 

He was ready to talk about something else when he noticed tears staining her face. “Dear? Wha-” He hurriedly went for a napkin and gave it to her. “What is it?”

The girl refused the napkin and turned away from him, her tears running free. Then he stared at her barely touched food. “Lov-”

“Why Amy?”

Sonic bit his tongue, looking at her. Amy?

“What’s with-”

“Do you love her? Again?!”

The man flinched a bit at her broken voice. His chest constricted with pain. 

“Listen, I-”

“I don’t…” The girl scoffed and braced herself. “I don’t want to know the details, just, have you fallen in love with Amy again?”

He reeled back, inhaling with insight. Oh. He. Fucked. Up.

“No, love-”

“Then why mention her? Why is her name in your lips when I’m the one you swore to spend your life with?” Sonic was already panicking inside watching the meltdown his girl was having. 

“It’s not like that!” He managed to say, stumbling on his words to prevent her from cutting him off again. “Love, it was a prank.”

The girl looked at him, her tears suddenly stopping, it almost looked humoristic if it wasn’t for the whole reason she was crying.

“I’m sorry you’d thought I could do that to you,” he explained, standing up and wiping her tears by himself with the napkin she refused to grab. “I was trying to be funny like we always are but… I guess it wasn’t the right timing.”

“No shit.” She replied, a sarcastic tone in her voice as she sighed, the weight on her shoulders disappearing. “Ah, thank chaos.”

“I mean, how could I do that to you when I already have an engagement ring somewhere in my room?”

“Yeah,” She nodded. Wait. “Wait what?”

“What?” He echoed, the atmosphere in the room changing completely as he winked at her. They were in for a long night, but first, he had to make it up to her, and he knew exactly how.

Sonic told him about it and said it was funny, so Shadow mentioned it while his partner was venting because he thought it was good timing. spoilers: it wasn’t.

“Can you fucking believe it, Shadow? My sister wants me to attend this stupid gathering, I told her it was fucking useless, I don’t give two shits about them because of what they did in the past, they never… They’ve never even fucking apologized! I’m just so mad right now, how can they be so stupid? Idiots! But you know what’s worse? The fact that…”

Shadow looked at his partner, listening intently at her venting. His gaze went in between her and her hands folding the laundry. His mind somewhere else as he recalled a conversation he had in the morning with his blue copy.

“This is a good way to cheer your girl up! Believe me! I’ve tried it before and it totally works.” Shadow looked at him, a skeptic look in his eyes. 

“Are you sure pranking her is the best way to cheer her up? But why if it’s something vulnera-”

“Naaah, I don’t think anything is that bad that you have to care too much about it.” Sonic explained while munching on his fifth chili dog of the day. “And besides, it’s just a simple harmless prank, she’ll laugh and it’d be alright.”

“...And I was like, ‘You remember what auntie said the last time I was there, why do you want me to go so fucking bad?’ ugh, it’s like a nightmare, I can’t wrap my head around it, really!”

He knew it was something serious because she was cursing a lot, or maybe she felt kind of free now that she was letting it all out? Was it a great time to do that prank? Maybe she’ll stop running in circles and just give herself some time…

“That sounds hard, Sora.”

Silence.

His face was stern, his position sitting on the bed seemed relaxed, but on the inside he was gauging her next words or actions in response to his words. Pressing his lips, he waited for her reaction, but it seemed like the world just stopped, did he stop time unconsciously? No, because the ceiling fan was still moving over their heads. 

“What did you just say?”

But he didn’t reply. More like he couldn’t. He already wanted to say it was a prank, but he stopped himself. Maybe if he waited a bit more… He could hear the sound of her cries.

Her cries?

His mind shifted violently, attentive to the sound of distress coming from the girl. Shadow took a step, horrified at the scene. She covered her face with her hands and dropped to her knees as she kept on crying.

That was his sign. Kneeling in front of her, Shadow took her by the wrist, relieved that she didn’t push him away instantly. 

“Shh sh, it was a prank, I'm sorry, I wasn’t being serious.” He said, trying to reason with her. That seemed to make the trick as she stopped for a bit, head still on her hands as she seemed to take a deep breath. The calmness didn’t last long as the girl shook her head and kept on crying, her face still fully covered.

He tried getting her hands away from her face, trying to get a glimpse of her eyes, wanting his point to come across, but she wasn’t budging.

Shadow just stared at her, his capacity of dealing with emotions almost close to none as he tried to find a way to solve this situation he himself caused. Lucky for him, her cries started to die down, not because she was less sad, but because she was tired from crying.

Being able to see her eyes eased him for a bit, but something still pulled at the strings of his heart: what would she say now?

The girl got up from the floor, walking out from her room straight to the kitchen. Shadow followed silently, afraid of her next move or word. She took a bottle of water from the refrigerator and drank. Two, three gulps and then she stopped, closing the bottle again. Shadow felt his heart beating hard against his chest with suspense, when she turned at him, her red eyes from crying staring deeply into his. 

And then she smiled.

“Damn,” she said, sighing. “I needed that.”

Shadow blinked a few times trying to register her words. “What?”

The girl chuckled and wiped the tears off from her face, staring at him. “Yeah, you think I believed you?” a sarcastic laugh fell from her lips. “Chaos, you seemed so nonchalant trying to convince me you really had another girl, that was so funny!” 

“Wait, you… You faked it?” He asked, still not being able to wrap his head around the entirety of the situation.

“Yeah! Woah, I really needed to cry, I feel lighter now, thanks for the push, Shadz.” She said, winking at the black hedgehog, walking past him to their room again. “And, I recommend you practice your facial expressions, you seemed scared even before I started crying, if you plan on pranking Sonic, you’ll need to try harder.”

The man stood there, shocked as he then turned and questioned. “What the- Why did you do that?”

“Do what?” She asked, stopping before entering the room, turning her head at him.

“That! I-“ He suddenly felt the weight of everything on his chest, making him almost suffocate from the whiplash of emotions he just experienced. “I almost had a heart attack.”

With a playful glint on her eye, she nodded before turning around and keeping on walking. “Suits you right.”

[vimse]

Ah wow it’s almost 2025, which means it’s time for the yearly art recap. Time flies when you’re struggling through your thesis, but I’m very pleased to scrounge up at least one Tech drawing per month. I’ll do a (not so) short reflection about my 2024 art under the cut if you’re interested, but for now, I’d like to express my greatest gratitude for everybody who has stuck around and shared my art. Hoping that 2025 will be a more productive art year. Byeee 🧡

Tl;dr under the cut: ramblings about my struggle in school, 2024 highlights, hopes and dreams next year

—

Let’s look back at last year’s summary:

What's next in 2024?

More Tech. Some things I'd like to explore in 2024 is character drawings beyond portraits, anatomy, simple backgrounds, OCs, storytelling through short comics, TBB band au, and maybe some commission work

Well, safe to say I didn’t get too much of that done haha. The reason for that is I’ve been really struggling with my undergraduate thesis work in chemistry. I don’t really know the root cause of it, but I just can’t bring myself to finish it and I’ve been procrastinating badly, so much that I’ve missed two presentation opportunities. The third opportunity is within 2 weeks and I’m nowhere finished or ready. It has been a constant source of stress and anxiety throughout 2024. I got burned out by the end of May and went to the school counsel to hand in my resignation notice, but got convinced to stick around but to finish it at a later date, because this is literally the last thing to do before I get my degree. Then afterwards I decided to go back to my old job full time, which has been very tiring and took a long time to adjust to. This is very obviously reflected in the amount of full illustration produced during July to October, especially September when I couldn’t bring myself to draw anything beyond Tech’s hand lol.

If I don’t finish my thesis in time for this round, I think I’ll finally throw in the towel for real. Maybe I’ve doomed my future or something but…this experience has made me feel incredibly (and constantly) bad for a whole year, and it has affected every aspect of my life. I’m very tired of it. And although my current job is very tiresome and probably detrimental to my health, it pays well and the colleagues are wonderful. Additionally, it is a niche job that I have years of experience in, with good connections, so I’m not currently worrying about my future job at all. And it’s still within the chemistry industry, so all the time I spent in school isn’t going to waste. In regard to my future, I’m more worried about wasting all of it on a conventional 7-16 job, of which I don’t think a degree in analytical chemistry would help me avoid anyways.

Okay, I’ve rambled enough. If you’re still here, thank you. Now, let’s look back to some positive highlights in my art year of 2024:

I think I’ve finally reached the point where I’m content with how I draw Tech. As evident by the picture above, it’s sort of consistent too, which is a bonus.

I joined my first zine!! It’s the Pabu Days zine and I can’t wait for everyone to get their copy of it. Everybody’s pieces are amazing. I wish I did better/more, but the creation period was during the worst time of my year, mental health-wise, and I have to accept that it was the best I could do at the time.

As for the “masterpiece” of 2024, my most proudest work is the CX-Tech piece I did during the height of TBB season 3. I’m incredibly happy with how the rim lights turned out and the overall mood of it. Also the texture on the armour turned out sooo good, I can’t believe I was the one who painted it lol. I wish I could personally show the picture from my monitor, because all the details seem to disappear when viewed on tumblr. Below is the illustration I’m talking about, along with a side by side comparison to the picture I referenced the lighting from + some closeups. Looking back at it now, I wish I added a stronger frontal light source, so that the picture isn’t so dark.

Also, extra shout out to the back study series. I am traditionally not a painter (just grew up as an anime weeb) so making these this was an incredible accomplishment.

With that, I’m wrapping this very long post (sorry) with some 2025 hopes and dreams. Basically it’s the same things I wanted to do in 2024: improve anatomy, more background, work on OC, work on AUs. I want to try very hard to make commissions happen next year, if people are still interested. Something else I want to do that isn’t strictly art related is to connect more with people, especially with those who are still hyperfixated on TBB as I am. I find it hard to socialise on tumblr, but I try to be more social on bluesky. Idk, I think it would be fun to find a small active community that is maybe more focused on clones and oc stuff.

Okay, that’s all! If you’ve made it this far, thank you thank you thank you. Have a happy holiday and may your 2025 be a wonderful, wonderful year.

🧡 vimse

[kairiscorner]

married life. — kento nanami x spouse!reader (part 1)

summary: he'd give up his old habits and more just to see you smile, be with you for a little longer, and make you the happiest person in the whole damn world; he's your husband for that very reason. pairing: nanami kento x spouse!gn!reader genre: tooth-rotting fluff !! content warnings: mentions of slight alcoholism author's note: i saw that fanart of nanami that i reblogged and my mind just came up with all kinds of shit for him. i loved him for 6 months straight, I WANNA GET BACK THERE, LET ME LOVE HIM FOR 6 MONTHS MORE !!

kento nanami comes home from his dead-end, nowhere 9 to 5 job, exhausted and in need of rest. about a year ago, all he had to comfort him was a bottle of pricey wine that he indulged in every end of the month or so, not minding it was nearing its expiry date. he only had store-bought bread and whatever melodramatic soap opera was on TV to entertain him.

kento nanami was indeed, lonely; he was well aware of his own loneliness and needed nobody to point that out for him. it always made him feel worse whenever anybody would say how handsome he is or he's not getting any younger and that he has to settle down at some point.

kento nanami was never the jealous type, though whenever he'd hear word about a coworker of his or whoever getting married and being invited to the ceremony, he'd always feel a kind of pang in his heart, knowing he could never have that kind of life.

kento nanami had given up all hope of finding the right person, none of the people he had met recently were anything he felt connected to (or could even start a conversation with).

kento nanami used to clutch his wine bottle at night, hiccuping in a drunken state as the dialogue from the characters on the late night soap opera on TV was fading from his senses and sleep had come to finally take him away.

kento nanami however, gets woken up in the middle of the night to the feeling of warm hands on both sides of his face; hearing a soft, gentle voice call his name as he grumbles and groans.

kento nanami hears a giggle ring throughout his ears as he's being helped up by soft hands. "kento... if you were that tired, you could've asked for my help, love." you chided him gently as he hummed in confusion.

kento nanami sighed as he tried to stand up. "my... spouse isn't gonna like... that you're helping my drunk self off the couch... right now..." he said as he nearly staggered, but you aided him up as you nearly carried him up the stairs. "they don't want to see... me drinking anymore... but i can't help it, i miss them... too much, the alcohol... it brings me closer to them, lets me stay with them a little... little longer in my dreams..." he mumbled.

kento nanami began to tear up lightly as he kept mumbling and muttering about how much he loves his spouse, how much they saved him from a lifetime of loneliness he already accepted was going to be his life. "i can't believe that... that i... i was saved from... growing old all by myself... a miserable, meaningless life... a life without them by them... and i pull this stunt on them after... promising i'd be better... it didn't make me feel any better, it made me feel sadder." he confessed to you as you got him up to your shared bedroom and laid him down on the bed.

kento nanami sobbed as he kept going on and on about his beloved spouse, how he wants to be better and that they've looked forward to the day when he could spend one evening without him being passed out on the couch from the habit he had yet to get rid of him drinking himself to sleep before he got married.

kento nanami felt loving hands stroke his hair and shush him, kissing his temples as he tried to say sorry to his spouse. "please stop kissing and holding me... my spouse'll be sad... i wanna see them so bad..." he whispered as you chuckled. "kento, i am your spouse." you tell him as you felt over his ring finger, the two of you wearing the rings you both slid on each other on the day of your wedding.

kento nanami blinked his tears away in realization, and his face scrunched up even more as he began to sob harder. he wrapped his arms around your waist and cried into your shoulder, apologizing that he should've squared up, he shouldn't have let you down, but you shushed him and told him with a comforting voice that it was okay. "it's hard to get out of a habit, love... i know that. i'm not angry, i'm not disappointed... i'll stay with you forever, kento, you don't need to keep that in your dreams. i'll always be with you." you promised him as you kissed the top of his head, with him thanking you and kissing your cheeks, his tears wetting them as he muttered how in love he is with you, how he'll work on this starting tomorrow, but for now... all he wants to do is hold you in his arms and sleep with you, just lay here on the bed with you in his arms and with his heart beating in harmony with yours.

[it-happened-one-fic]

Hours in the Moonlight: Somnolent Gloaming - 12. New Questions

Summary: Whether intentional or not, Malleus and Lilia’s words, paired with the fact Silver was living in a vampire clan, were giving rise to a whole slew of new questions for you. Some of which came a little bit too close to the matter of your relationship with Vil and what it meant for you, for comfort.

Series Type: Gender-neutral reader/ Vampire AU/ series/ romantic/ angst/ angst with comfort/ fluff/ sfw/ platonic interactions too!

Trigger Warning: Vampire

Word Count: 1178

Hours in the Moonlight Master-List

In no way had I been prepared for Malleus’s words, which continued to bounce around in my mind even now that I was home.

I’d left not long after my meeting with Malleus, deciding to call it an early night much to the horned vampire’s amusement. 

The others had accepted my decision with very few questions. Only Sebek seemed truly perplexed and even concerned. He hadn’t pursued the matter, though after Lilia had told him to let me be and I’d reassured him that I was just tired. 

But something about the way the short man had stared at me with a knowing expression made me wonder if he somehow knew about Malleus’s offer.  But I didn’t really see how he could have unless the two of them had planned it.

And maybe Malleus had planned his offer.

After all, in many ways him offering to turn me into a vampire wasn’t that odd. Other vampires had made the same offer in an attempt to bargain for just a taste of my blood.

What had made it so odd with Malleus, though, was that he didn’t seem to do it out of any interest in my blood. Instead, he seemed to mean it as a kindness, though perhaps in a mildly evil way. Like it had just been another way of him offering his assistance.

To him, it had possibly seemed like a natural progression in the conversation. Especially since he’d just been talking about how fleeting and fragile me and Silver seemed to him.

It made me wonder if he’d made the same offer to Silver. If he had, Silver had either turned him down or responded as I had, with confusion and leaving the matter open-ended.

Truthfully speaking though, I’d had no idea how to respond to his offer. It had taken me aback, but it also seemed like a little bit too much of a coincidence after I’d just talked to Lilia about my place in the world of vampires.

I shook my head slightly, letting myself curl up on my couch and at least attempt to relax for once rather than pursuing some crazed vampire, evaluating a clan, or anything else.

I felt a smile curve across my face, though, as the singular thought of how Vil might react if he knew about Malleus’s offer entered my head.

I didn’t know exactly when I’d reached the point that I relied so heavily on Vil, but the fact that he came to mind so quickly was telling.

And Vil had become a source of comfort. The first vampire I’d befriended and one of my closest allies, along with the rest of the Pomefiore clan. 

It was true that I’d made friends with other vampires in other clans, but somehow it was always still Vil that came to mind when I considered who I would go to if I needed help.

And in some ways, it was silly. After all, Rook was the one who’d once been a vampire hunter and who’d trained me as well as being a long-time friend. Leona was the one who’d helped me fight against crazed vampires three times, even if the first time hadn’t been exactly planned. And Epel was the one whom I’d been friends with and worked with before he’d changed. 

But even considering them, it was still Vil that I relied on the most, and maybe it was because he’d been guarding me in his own way ever since he’d met me.

My fingers found the cross that hung around my neck, a constant reminder of his kindness and willingness to help me even though my job involved me killing his kind.

I couldn’t tell him about Malleus’s offer. Or rather, I didn’t want to, since I feared the potential repercussions. I didn’t want him misunderstanding Malleus’s offer and losing his temper or doing something that might end poorly.

After all, Lilia’s look had been a little too pointed when he’d said that everything would be fine so long as no one took anything the wrong way. 

I had no doubt he’d meant Vil considering the rumors that circulated around about the two of us.

And I couldn’t hide behind Vil forever anyways. Especially since I’d decided that I would protect him in my own way. That was why I was trying so hard to solve this entire mess involving the numbers of insane vampires after all.

I could say now that from what I’d seen, been told, and deduced, Diasomnia certainly didn’t seem to be the root of the issue, even if they struck me as more of a classic sort of vampires.

The matter of Silver living with them was enough proof that they weren’t the sort to attack mortals willy-nilly without even considering Malleus’s reaction to the vampire who’d threatened me. And if they were against the attacking of mortals, them causing the influx of insane vampires who attacked mortals without a care in the world and either murdered them or turned them simply didn’t make any sense.

I could also say from reading through the Diasomnia library, with Malleus’s help, that there wasn’t much in the way of historical records that said anything about insane vampires, much less a large number of them.

But my time with the Diasomnia clan had led to something else as well. Whether they’d intended or not, Lilia and Malleus’s words paired with Silver’s existence as a person who, like me, attracted vampires but remained mortal despite living in the world of vampires had given rise to new questions.

Silver had made it this long, so apparently it wasn’t impossible for me to remain mortal despite having entered into the world of vampires, but was that the right choice?

Vil’s face seemed to flash, unbidden, through my mind, and I frowned.

I had wondered it before, but had Vil been alone before now?

He hadn’t been a member of a clan, and though he’d apparently been friends with Rook, Rook had also stated that he needed a friend. 

If I grew old and died, what would happen to him? He had a clan now, so he wouldn’t be alone, but….

I shook my head, refusing to let my mind go there. Just because Vil was beyond important to me didn’t mean I held the same importance to him, and now wasn’t the time to think about such things anyway. It wasn’t like I was the protagonist of some cheesy vampire film.

And debating becoming a vampire…. It was ridiculous. I would essentially be choosing to die after doing my very best to survive vampires’ interest in me. 

Besides, it wasn’t like I didn’t have a place in the world of the night. For better or worse, I was the vampire hunter of this area, which was, at least for now, an important job that had to be filled.

Right now, I needed to focus on the situation at hand. The mystery of the insane vampires and Crowley’s control over me.

I could worry about me and Vil later…..

If you would like to more

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[kelelaluvr]

yuzuki hayato with a boyfriend

been obsessed w this anime lately, it's the most wholesome thing ever hdgdhdhddh figured i'd show some love to hayato, he's been on my mind since i started watching <3

content: fluff

remember during the fireworks mikoto asked hayato what would happen when he got a girlfriend?

little did he know his older brother sort of had one already - well, a boyfriend, that is.

the both of you had met in high school, being in the same class

slowly, you had gotten to know each other, passing notes during classes and sneaking glances when no one was looking

soon enough, you asked him out and he accepted!!! much to your surprise

but rest assured, he likes you very much

it's his first relationship, so please be gentle with him

he's very hardworking, and selfless as seen from his years of dealing with his brothers

it's reflected in the way he always asks you were you want to go first during dates after school, or how he offers to tutor you in the subjects you're weak in, despite his own heavy workload

you guys barely get anything done during these tutoring sessions anyway smh

he's too distracting so you just end up staring at him the whole time

you weren't too sure what his parents thought about two guys dating, so you both decided it was best to keep it a secret

but as with every secret gay relationship, it never ends like the movies and you both agreed to end it on amicable terms

it was sad, sure, but...that's life, isn't it?

as you both went into college, you kinda just. stopped contacting each other. and it was fine. you were okay to leave your relationship as nothing but high school sweethearts.

so imagine your surprise when years later, you walk into the staff room of the high school you've been posted to on your first day as a teacher, and see your ex-boyfriend.

"oh. my. god. HAYATO????"

"[NAME]????"

as it turns out, he had been at that high school for a while now, but it was his first time taking a class

the first thing you noticed was that he was a very, very tired man.

when you got closer to him, it was only then did you learn of his current family situation

it just increases your admiration for him

how does he manage to juggle handling a new class, and taking care of 3 brothers all by himself? no one knows

so you made it your goal in your new job to help hayato out as much as possible, to lessen his burden

you can't help it, you've never really gotten completely over him so this was the perfect chance to show him how much you care

you need to force him to take constant breaks, otherwise he'd probably pass out from exhaustion one of these days

technically he already has cough gaku in ep 3 cough

but it's no secret that he's not good with relying on others

it's impossible to ask him how you can help directly, instead you try to discreetly do some of his work for him, like preparing the exam sheets

this doesn't escape hayato's watchful eyes, he immediately notices

"[name], did you do this for me? thank you, but i can handle it myself. you already have so much work to do..."

"hayato, i want to help! just let me. please."

"but-"

"shhh. just let me take care of it."

he gets butterflies whenever he's around you, and he doesn't know why.....surely he's more mature than this, getting flustered over some guy he dated in high school.

right...?

it seems like you weren't the only one with lingering feelings

eventually it gets to the point where it's hard for the two of you to focus on your teaching jobs properly when it's clear as day to all of your colleagues that there was a lot of mutual pining going on

like...the tension in the staff room is so thick it's suffocating

you were the first one to confess (again)

with hayato being so busy, he can barely find time to even consider romance, so he just pushed those feelings aside and buried himself in his responsibilities, hoping his feelings for you would just subside

the fact that you were able to make a little place in his heart and stay there is so, so special

so he accepted, of course. thank god. it would have a taken a long, long time for him to make the first move.

boyfriends! for the second time. <3

WHEW that backstory took longer than i thought....onto your actual relationship

i can definitely see him being the sappy type, he just doesn't show it outright.

since the both of you are busy the whole school day teaching, the only time you really get to spend together is during lunch breaks

he tries to show his love subtly, like waking up early so he can pack a homemade lunch for the both of you to share

it's times like these you feel truly blessed to be dating him, we all know he's an amazing cook since he had to learn so many recipes to feed his brothers

he's definitely very easily flustered

so pda in the staff room would have to be limited to a quick hug or kiss between periods, otherwise he can't focus on teaching

you guys go home together after finishing the work day at school, sometimes you would go to his place

and trust, the first time you did, hayato spent the whole previous day worrying about it and briefing his brothers that someone would be coming over. he runs that family like the navy

"tomorrow...someone will be coming over when i come back from work. please behave..."

immediately, they all catch on. hayato hasn't had someone come over since before their parents passed, so this must be someone special

minato: "who?? your girlfriend??

"MINATO."

mikoto: "well...is it?"

"it's...my boyfriend."

immediately, they all make that ooooOOOHHHH sound that siblings tend to make, much to hayato's embarassment.

"shut up....." he mutters, head in his hands. he desperately hoped they wouldn't say anything too weird when you were over.

you were already kinda familiar with his brothers from when you went to his house a few times during high school, but it was strange seeing them all grown up

unexpectedly, they did remember you.

minato: "hey, isn't this your friend from high school? you mean you guys are dating now??" he bounces up and down excitedly.

"the truth is...we were dating back then. we reunited since we both teach in the same school. it's complicated."

mikoto had an uncharacteristic smirk on his usually stoic face. "i knew it all along. you guys were too close to be friends..."

"you're kidding me." hayato groaned.

getting along with them is a must, hayato can't bear the thought of his favourite people disliking each other

thankfully, they all warm up to you very quickly. it's heartwarming to them that their brother found someone who makes him genuinely happy

he's basically dedicated his whole life to taking care of them, its what he deserves

one time on the weekend, gaku caught you lurking outside the house looking for a way in

"oh! gaku! don't worry, i'm just...helping your brother with....work...stuff."

but really, it was just an excuse to come surprise hayato

it doesn't really take long for gaku to catch on though, i mean, he's literally 6 years old and lowkey a child prodigy so like

overtime, they started to see you as an older brother figure as well

the first time hayato mentioned this to you, you wanted to cry. it means so much to have his family's acceptance

the first time you offered to help him out with family matters, he looked at you like you were crazy.

"absolutely NOT. you're not even part of the family, how could i burden you with my own troubles?"

"i'm not part of the family...? :<"

"you know i didn't mean it like that....i mean-"

"don't worry, i'll be part of the family legally soon..."

"WHAT?????"

unfortunately for hayato, minato had overheard this conversation and gleefully proclaimed to his brothers that hayato was getting married soon

they hope it really happens, though. ♡

[stayandot8]

Y(our) World

Genre: angstangstangst

Relationship type: established boyfriend/girlfriend until they're...not

Important Contents: reader getting jealous and lashing out at Chan, igniting a breakup that neither wants to happen; letting the intrusive bad thoughts win

a/n: I'm sorry that I'm not sorry. this hurts me more than it hurts you, I promise.

WC: 3.2k

masterlist l part two

The TV was filling the room with a silent buzz, the picture coming into focus of my boyfriend and his group members, performing at some music award show. They all had their own ways of performing, each striking in their own way. My eyes flitted to each of them, lingering always on the boy I loved. The way he moved usually left me breathless, always causing my brain to short circuit. This time was no different, watching them move as one unit, each a moving piece in a bigger machine in their performance. 

Curled up on the couch in his shared apartment, I grabbed my phone, ready to send him my usual text straight after a performance. 

Me: You surprise me every time you perform. I don’t think I could ever get tired of it.  

Usually watching them would fill me with pride, knowing he was mine and he was so good at what he did. Tonight was not the case. All I could think about was how busy he was this month. It was performance after performance and appearances at music awards. I couldn’t be prouder of them, truly. But this time, this night, I felt the pang of sadness hit me out of nowhere. Watching them move across the stage accepting their award, I couldn’t help the thought process I fell down. Wow, they look so good tonight. Oh look! He’s talking to that girl from that group he likes.  I wonder what she said to make him laugh like that. Wow, she’s really pretty… I don’t think I could ever look like that. Her whole group is really stunning. I bet they’re having a great time. They probably have so much to talk about…

That was when it hit me. I was never going to understand him and his job like she would. Like any of them would. The pressures of his work, the hardships he was facing, I could try. But I was never going to get it. Not like he deserved. He deserved to have someone that could do that for him. 

Deep in thought, I brought my empty plate to the sink, mindlessly washing it. My mind was a wasteland of thoughts, each bouncing from one disheartening idea to the next. The occasional ‘no, he’s not like that’ would come in, only to be drowned out by the opposite. 

Was all this important to him? Would I want to try and fit into his world like that? The answer was an immediate no. 

Done with the dishes, I shuffled my now heavy feet back to Chris’s room, desperate to quiet my racing mind. Maybe I should bring this up to him… This was my last thought on the subject before I passed out, not even bothering to pull the blanket over me. 

***

I was pulled from my unsuccessful slumber by the sound of movement across the room. I pulled my sleep-deprived eyelids apart to see Chan moving things around on his desk and mumbling to himself, his back to me. 

“Morning.” I said quietly, my voice still hoarse from disuse. He turned to me with a grimace. 

“Morning, baby. I’m sorry I didn’t mean to wake you. Go back to sleep.” His voice was quiet, probably from his own exhaustion. 

“Actually,” I said, sitting up and groaning in the process. “There was something I wanted to talk to you about.”

“Oh okay. Can we talk about it while I grab something to eat? I only have a few minutes until I need to be back at the company.” He nodded and gave me a half smile before he exited, expecting me to follow suit. I huffed. 

“Okay…” I said to myself. So it’s going to be one of those days… I crawled out of the sheets and slowly made my way down the hallway, following the familiar smell. I emerge to find Chan rustling around in the fridge, more mumbling to himself. It made me smile at his turned back. I have to give him a chance, right? I took a deep breath to gather my courage. 

“Chris?” He paused his ruffling and slowly turned to me, his eyes wide like a child caught stealing. 

“That sounded serious. Okay, I’m all yours.” He closed the fridge and brought his full attention on me, his hands folded on the kitchen island. HIs eyes scanned my face for any indication, which I refused to give him.

“Well, just watching you last night, it made me…well… I was wondering if there was any way you could bring me with you tonight?” His brows lifted in slight surprise then fell.

“I’m not sure I can bring you actually. I don’t know what the rules are for that. I can ask though, but I make no promises, okay?” I nodded, not knowing what they could possibly say about it. Their company was weird about these sorts of things, it would be hard to predict. “Okay, I’ll ask when I get in, alright? I’m off.” He crossed the room to peck me on my cheek then left without a look back, the door mocking my annoyance as it shut. 

I got a phone call from him about two hours later. 

“Okay, they said you could come but there are a few rules we have to abide by. You can’t sit with us, which, trust me, Han is more upset about than anyone else.” He earned an involuntary chuckle from me. 

“I figured I couldn’t sit with you guys so that’s no surprise. What else?”

“Unfortunately, we can’t talk to you alone either. Something about cameras seeing you and getting suspicious. I don’t know but I already hate it. You pretty much can’t act like you know us. And we have to act the same.” I didn’t know what to say to that, so I stayed silent. 

“I know, baby, I don’t like it either. But this was what they told me. If you want to come, I’d love for you to. But I understand if you’ve changed your mind. They’ll send a car for you at six. They’ll wait ten minutes for you and then they’ll leave. It’s up to you. I hope I’ll see you there. I have to get back now. I love you.” 

“Love you.” I hung up before he could, now with a decision to make. It wasn’t really a hard one. Of course I was going. Now it was just a matter of what dress I would wear. 

***

Riding in the car was so awkward, it was a wonder I wasn’t out of my mind by the time I arrived at the venue. Stepping out in the highest heels I owned, my dress was hitting the pavement behind the very, very loud space. It was a wonder anyone could think straight in there. I followed the manager assigned to me as she led the way through to my place at a table far away from anyone else. Once we found it, she gave me a curt nod and left me to my own devices. Grabbing the back of my chair, I surveyed my other companions, each near to their seat as they conversed with those around them. 

The space was grander than any I had seen before, everywhere I looked there was another person I had seen on TV, another face plastered on billboards in the outside world. The stage was massive, different microphones spread across for everyone to grab as needed. The tables were all covered in white tablecloths, water bottles at every setting. I moved from heeled foot to heeled foot, trying to find some sort of friendly face that I could talk to. Everyone looked engaged in their own conversations however, so I simply sat down while I looked at the placecard in the middle of the table, simply saying ‘Reserved’ on a plain white card. 

A good-looking young man sat next to me, waving to the man he had just finished talking to. When his eyes finally reached me, he gave me a once-over as I did the same to him. He whistled. I was taken aback, raising a brow to him. 

“So you’re dating an idol too, huh? I can see why.” He smirked at me, a glimmer in his eye, full of knowing. My eyes squinted at him in suspicion. 

“How’d you know? Is this the ‘I’m dating an idol but no one can know’ table?” I leaned in towards him, ready for him to tell me if this statement was true. He nodded sadly, not knowing that his nod would send me into a spiral for the rest of the night. 

“This is my sixth time at one of these things. Everytime I see her ignore me, it kills me just a little bit. And it doesn’t get any easier unfortunately. But seeing them perform still fills you with pride, doesn’t it? As long as that feeling never goes away, you two will be just fine. Trust me.” I nodded in agreement, letting my thoughts wander again. How many times would I be invited along? Would Chris even be able to see me from up there? Would he even be looking? That was the moment I saw them walk in, all eight of them bowing and clapping as they settled in at their table across the room. I watched him, my chest getting heavier as he sat with his brothers. All around him, other members of other groups would stop and talk to him, casting his contagious smile to them as they talked. It should’ve made me proud but I couldn’t help but feel as though a balloon had popped and I was deflating. Soon I would fly around the room, praying I would land in front of him so that he would look at me. As the third person left him at his table, I watched him pick up his phone and type furiously. He then raised his eyes to roam around the room. I hoped he was looking for me. My phone then buzzed on the table.

Channie ❣️: Where are you? Are you here? Please say you’re here

My fingers were slow to pick up my phone, my response coming too slowly to me.

Me: Yes, I’m here. Good luck. I know you’ll win.

I watched him read my text, his face confused. Han nudged him, a questioning look on his face. I could read his lips asking what was wrong. Chan shook his head and pushed him away before going back to his phone. His fingers flew across it again. My phone buzzed. 

Channie ❣️: Where are you?? I can’t find you

Me: Don’t worry about it, I’ll see you after. Smile pretty for the camera

That girl I had seen the night before came by his table again. I felt my heart quicken its pace, my swallow not quite going down easily. She gave him that easy smile I had seen on the TV, even prettier in person. He returned her easy smile, standing to return the hug she was inviting him into. The small gasp I emitted made the kind stranger turn to me again, his eyes following mine. 

“Ah, I see. I hate to be the one to tell you, but she’s been known to flirt with him at these shows. She’s had the biggest crush on him and she hasn’t been the most discreet about it.” My hands had clenched into fists, not able to take my eyes off the two of them talking. Every so often she would laugh and place her hand on his shoulder. The more I watched, the more irritated he seemed. But being the kind gentleman he was, he didn’t remove her hand from his body. It took everything in me not to stomp across the room and remove it for her. I couldn’t help hearing the blood boil in my veins, the pounding in my head inescapable. I couldn’t get a handle on my breathing until she walked away, her delicate hand lingering a little too long on his arm as she walked away. I watched her walk back to her group of girls, a sly smile on her lips the whole way. If I could make daggers with my eyes, she would’ve been flat on the floor before she even made it two steps. But I still couldn’t get this man seated next to me and his words out of my head as the show went on. 

She’s had a crush on him.

Maybe he wanted to be with someone who understood his life better than I did. She was an idol too, she knew the path and the hard work it took to make this career work for herself. I bet they wouldn't have to hide their relationship like we have to… 

The show went by quickly and before I knew it, I was back in the silent car being driven back to Chan’s apartment. I thanked the driver and his companion and slowly trailed to the familiar front door. I opened it, falling into it behind me as it shut. I closed my eyes and tilted my head back, willing the tears not to fall, daring them back into my skull. I didn’t want Chris to see what I had been thinking. He always told me I was a terrible poker player, my thoughts always written on my face. I shook my head, telling myself I wouldn’t cry, I couldn’t. 

I trudged back to Chan’s room, kicking off the heels I had been so excited for him to see me in. Now they simply mocked me for what my hopes had been for the evening. I started undressing in the hallway, desperate to get any expectations I had off of me and deep in a drawer, buried and forgotten. 

I opted for my own clothes, grabbing my bag to pack what I needed. I decided I was going to sleep at my own place tonight, I didn’t… I couldn’t be around him tonight. He would get me to say everything I didn’t want to say with one look, one ‘are you okay’ would get me to spill my whole mind in front of him. But I wasn’t quick enough. I heard the front door close and slumped, bracing for the impending conversation. 

“Baby?” He called out to me, his voice drawing nearer to my location. I didn’t respond, opting to quicken my pace for packing. If I didn’t care about folding anything, if I left my toothbrush here, I might be able to get out before he asked too many questions. My plan was foiled quickly as he rounded the corner right into his bedroom. I couldn’t face him as I continued. If I had turned I would’ve seen his shoulders falling and confusion in his puppy eyes. “What are you doing? Where are you going?”

“I think I need to sleep at my own place tonight. I just don’t…” I couldn’t finish the thought aloud, afraid I would say something I might regret if I didn’t leave now. I zipped up my bag and made for the door, unable to meet his eyes. He stood in my way, not letting me move. I backed away, staring at the carpet. “Chris, please move. Let me out.”

“No. What happened? Did someone say something to you? Please, baby, talk to me.” He placed his hands on my shoulders, similar to what that girl had done to him…

“Please, just let me go home. We can talk later.” I finally gathered enough strength to actually push past him and head for the door. I didn’t get far though before his voice stopped me again. 

“Was it that girl that stopped me? Did you see her keep touching me? God, I wanted to rip them off of me.” I said nothing. I would be fine if I could just make it to the other side of that door…

“So I guess this means you’re not coming to any other award shows then?” I stopped in my tracks, only a foot from my target. I took a shuddering breath, still fighting those damn tears. 

“At least she knows what it’s like, huh? She knows what you’ve been through better than I ever could. She appreciates all the work you put into everything you do. She wouldn’t text you late at night wondering where you are or miss you in the darkest hours of the night, trying to understand that you love what you do.”

“What are you talking about? Where is this coming from?”

“I don’t belong in this world, Chris. In your world. I just can’t see where I fit. I never have and I don’t want to.” I still couldn’t face him, whatever I was going to say next would be my own undoing. Those tears finally escaped as he uttered his next words. 

“What’re you talking about “my world”? You are my world.”

“I don’t belong here. No one knows me, no one cares who I am. I just need to remove myself from the picture altogether so you can be with someone who understands you.” I wiped my tears then reached for the handle again, the grip on my bag tighter than ever. He rushed over to shut the door before I could open it, shoving himself between me and my saving grace. 

“No. That’s not happening. There’s no way I’m letting you go.” He tried to force me to look at him, but I shut my eyes and moved as he tried to grab my chin. I was quiet, choosing my next words carefully.

“Then I need to let you go.” My soul was being crushed the more I spoke, my resistance evident if he looked hard enough. He was quick to respond, grasping at anything to change my mind.

“But I refuse to let YOU go. You can think that but I will never stop caring about you, thinking about you, loving you. I will not let you walk away from this. I will fight for this. Why aren’t you fighting for this? What’s gotten into you?”

“Because sometimes the cost of battle outweighs the prize to be won. I am tired of having this same argument with myself. I can’t keep doing this. I don’t want to have to give up parts of myself to fit into a world I don’t want to be in.” He got quiet. His confusion was written in every crevice of his face, his eyes searching me for some sort of explanation. The next words he spoke were slow in disbelief. 

“So you’re just going to give up on us?”

“It’s too much work for me. Is it not exhausting for you?” I finally looked into his eyes, begging him to understand what I was saying beneath it all. I closed my eyes, exhaustion taking over my bones. His voice was low and shaky. 

“Not for me. Not when it’s you.”

That was when the dam broke. I fell against the wall, my knees giving out and crumbling underneath me. I buried my tears in my hands, the heaving becoming involuntary. I broke, my breath coming in shorter spurts, leading to inadvertent shakes taking over.

“That’s not fair.” The words choked their way out in between sobs. He was hunched over, eyes never leaving me as his own tears broke through. He lowered himself next to my hunched form, wiping his wet face. 

“It’s not my world without you in it.” A quiet pause, only the sounds of his sniffles and my sobs heard throughout the room. His voice was small, still shaking as he whispered,

“Just don't leave me.”

[mrs-snape5984]

“Free me from this pain, I’ve been running from…”

“I'm tired and I'm free falling. Free me! I'm lost and I am calling you…” (“Free me” by Sia)

I’ve experienced some very rough hardships in my almost 40 years lasting existence in this world…but I’ve never given up on myself. I knew, that I’d have to fight my way back out of these horrible miseries, and I kept my faith to find the path to better times…to find the path, which will lead me upwards again.

I admit, these hardships left their marks, their scars on me. They formed my heart and my mindset…they made me the person, that I am today. I learned my lessons…and I kept going.

Since I’m living struggling with this goddamn bitch of a disease, called ME/CFS, my life has only one direction: It’s going downhill…and it’s getting faster! In these past 1,5 years, I’ve lost more and more of all the things, which made my life worth living for. I lost my ability to do my job as a pedagogue and social worker. I lost my freedom, since I’m stuck in my dark room day and night. I lost a lot of social contacts, since screen time is messing with my brain and each phone call costs me too much energy. I lost my capability to be an active mother for my three children…and this is the part, that hurts the most. Damn, I lost so much more…and I feel my heart shattering in pieces every fucking day!

Everything in my life is slowly falling apart and I’m losing my grip on reality…and on myself! The newest pain in the ass is probably my habit of passing out every few days. My whole system shuts down in the middle of a simple talk or something else and I’m falling into unconsciousness! I can’t remember the things, I’ve done before…I’m just blacked out for several hours. At first, my kids were afraid in these moments…especially when they couldn’t wake me up from this state! But now, they simply accept that “quirk” of mine as their new reality…and my motherly heart is aching for them. This shouldn’t be their reality! They shouldn’t have to live with a mother, who’s always in the dark…who’s always lying in bed! They’re children!! They shouldn’t have to whisper in my presence. I should be the person, they can rely on unconditionally!! Fuck…my heart is bleeding…and I’m sorry for my pathetic venting.

I need a way out of this hell…but since there isn’t any possibility for me right now, I’ll keep on clinging on Severus. My fantasies of him and my way of coping with my misery by writing stories about him and my - oh so self-inserted - OC Julia/Jules are the only thing, that keeps me mentally stable functioning. Well…at least that’s what I’m telling myself. I mean, I know how depressed my posts might seem.

My favourite artist for my darkest ideas is my friend @madfantasy. I told Mani about my wish to be freed from my darkness…to be cured from my disease. I need a saviour…a true hero…I need Severus! Since there aren’t any promising medical treatments, I’ll need a magical miracle to get rescued. And this is exactly, what Severus is trying for me. He conjures the demons inside my soul and forces them to leave my body. Severus is the only person, who’s brave enough to face the darkness within me. He’s my knight…and the love of my life. 21 years of my life, it was Severus, who kept me going…who inspired me with his resilience and his courage! A lot of those previous hardships could be endured by me, because I had something, I believed in. I had something, that gave me confidence and strength. I had Severus. So, please…don’t let me lose my hope and my faith in his support. And don’t let me lose my faith in myself.

Mani, my precious friend, I’m stunned by your ability to understand my ideas. Every time, I’m commissioning you for another project, your art helps me to soothe my troubled heart. It is as if you’re drawing my feelings!! I can sense my own emotions in every single line of your drawing. You don’t know, how grateful I am that I was allowed to meet you here. I love our conversations and our understanding for each other. Feel hugged, Mani! I’m sending you so much love! 🫂🫂 (fly fly) 🥹🖤 Thank you for everything.

🖤Severus & Julia🖤

🖤Sevy & Jules🖤

[calmasyoghurt]

The joker out pride project.

I'm at the airport, so tired.

Anyways, Nace coming out. Also on ao3.

June 22nd, prompt 17. Coming out with a relationship.

From nace.jordan@gmail.com

To darja.jordan@icloud.si, andrej.jordan@hotmail.si

Life update

Dear mum and dad. I wish I had the courage to visit you, or even call you, but I fear that you would close the door in my face or hang up the phone. So I’m doing this over e-mail so that I at least get the chance to tell you what I have to say. I have been trying to write it in to words for an hour now, but can’t find a better way to say it than purely the way it is.

First of all, I want to say that I miss you so much. I wish we never would have had that fight. Or I wish we hadn’t needed to have it. But my point still stands, much stronger now then it did then. I’m gay. I’ve always been and will always be. Only recently have I been able to accept that about myself. My biggest wish in life is for the two of you to accept it as well.

Second of all, I want to share something that is really important to me. If you’ve been following my life through the news or social media, which I hope you have, then you know that since October, I’ve been the bass player for the band Joker Out. Joining them was the best decision I ever made, not only for all the fun concerts I get to play, but for the guy’s as well. They’re some of the nicest people I’ve ever met, and I’m so grateful that I get to call them my friends.

But that’s not the point I’m trying to make. One of the guys is extra special. His name is Jan, and is one of the guitarists. He’s the kindest, funniest and prettiest person I’ve ever met. I had been flirting with him for a few weeks, he had flirted back, and one night when we were hanging out just the two of us, he kissed me. We kissed a bit, but it didn’t go any further that night. But then a week later we went out with our friends to a bar, and afterwards he stayed at my place to not have to go all the way home. Then he stayed for all of the Saturday too, and that night, the kisses didn’t stay just kisses. I’m blushing just writing this. Anyways. It happened three more times, and after the fourth time, he asked me to be his boyfriend. I said yes. 

It makes me so incredibly happy that I get to have someone as amazing and caring as Jan in my life. It makes me so happy to be able to call him mine. If you only take one thing with you from this e-mail, then I want you to know that I’m happy. I’m so, so happy now, living the way I do. Again, I also wish you can accept me like this. I love you so much. 

Best wishes from your son,

Nace

ps. If you’ve read this entire e-mail, I can give you some other existing news that will go public tomorrow. Joker out will represent Slovenia in eurovision! Okay, bye for real now.

***

From darja.jordan@icloud.si

To nace.jordan@gmail.com, andrej.jordan@hotmail.si

Re: Life update

Nace. I want to start by saying sorry for not replying to this email when we got it. We both read it the very same day, but we couldn't come up with a decent enough response.

We also want to congratulate you and your friends for your eurovision performance. We are so proud of you for that. It also seems as if you're playing multiple festivals this summer. We wish you the best of luck with that. 

Now, to the main subject of your email. As parents, it is our obligation to love our children. We do still love you, as our son. But that doesn't mean we aren't having a difficult time accepting this whole gay thing, let alone the boyfriend. It seems as if it's becoming more common these days, so it is something that we at the very least will have to get used to seeing.

We are however not there yet. We aren't used to it yet. We might not be for a long time. But that doesn't mean we won't ever be. As a mother it is my job to try getting better in order to help my kids. I hope that we can meet sometime again, in the future. We miss you too.

Best wishes from your mum and dad. 

[velvet-vox]

INDOCTRINATION F####NG SUCKS

AND WHY IT HARMS ART TOO.

The title is self-explanatory yet it cannot overstate the massive damage and impact that culture, society, and any other type of long term influence has on the human mindset and its artistic output.

You may be thinking, what is this post talking about? Well let me explain.

You see, the thing about me is that I tend to enjoy more complex stories with complicated characters and dynamics, but not in just the political, real world type of way like Arcane politics, I am towards the type of stories that allow for good characters to remain good and for the status quo to change in a substantial way; for antagonists to be complicated while not having them all be morally grey but showing that even the more seemingly black and white ones are not just pure evil atrocities and are still worthy of a shot at redemption; to not have said redemption be served on a silver platter but not just permanently locking people out of society just because they required said society to invest too much time and effort in helping them become the best version of themselves, because unfortunately, despite the opposite being also true, we are not born equally and some people are going to struggle more than others due to things outside of their control like their personality type and lack of mental fortification.

I want balance in storytelling! Not just gore or wholesome, not just morally grey or black and white, not just big spectacles and pause moments, but all of those combined in ways that force me to reflect on the media I consume and the way I consume it, to dig further in the limits of artistic expression and the classification of art as a whole.....

And indoctrination just ruins all of that, period.

We all, from a young age, are conditioned to uphold certain standards and to not challenge said standards in fear of being cast out by the people around us and the world we live in.

Art, as a medium, should be used to counteract the rigid lines of thinking that we're asked to uphold, but unfortunately, even if just subconsciously, the harmful, more strict lessons that we learn growing up still make their way into our works because of the mass consumption of simplicity we endured in our childhood.

From a very young age we are taught simple, clear cut definitions of right and wrong, and then we are subsequently told to simplify all of our real world problems into easily computable boxes so that we can be more efficient at our job, from moral decision making down to choosing what to eat for dinner; the adults tell us that it's ok to ask questions when in reality we're often punished or ignored for asking them and we all grow to internalise a passive acceptance of the status quo because that's what the status quo taught us to do in the first place.

I wanted to write this post because I was getting angry at myself for screwing up my own ideas due to my pathological need to divide right and wrong into easily checkable boxes and thus creating issues of the "these two ideas cannot interact or mix with each other anymore because of the way I segregated them" kind. I am always afraid of punishing my villains too much and not punishing my heroes enough and it's very hard for me to find that balanced middle ground that all works of art should strive to achieve; and then I realised: the problem has less to do with me and more on the unfortunate mindset that I internalised in my youth that keeps popping back up slowing down my output for thought provoking stories.

Admittedly, this is a larger issue that (contrary to what our collective nurture has drilled into our heads) cannot be easily resolved and probably requires a vocal discussion of some kind since typing can be extremely tiring and doesn't have the same engagement value of a dialogue, I'm very sorry if you found this post amateurish or you think I haven't conveyed my ideas well enough, I hope someone with a cleaner picture can show me what I got wrong and would like to share their opinions with me.

[rikitachiquita]

come back… be here | ni-ki

✧ synopsis: working at a cafe can be really fun: the customers being nice, cracking jokes with your coworkers, singing while brewing coffee and so on. but it's even more fun when two members of the staff bicker and fight all day and keep everyone entertained. that's what  hybe cafe is like, thanks to ni-ki and y/n.

✦ warnings: me info dumping about taylor swift and bottling up feelings (?)

⋆04 he is losing it (written 1k)

''you look bored'' said jake while looking at ni-ki. the two best friends were taking a break during their shift, since there weren't any costumers. the whole day had been dull: the weather was cloudy and it kept drizzling, ther air was very cold, especially for a september day and the lack of costumers was getting to the two baristas.

''it's cause i am bored'' replied ni-ki. he had been snappy and on the edge the whole day and jake was trying to understand the reason behind that behavior. if you asked him, he would tell you that that was just his job as a best friend.

''are you sure it's just that? you have been bad-tempered all day'' tried pushing a bit jake. maybe the younger would crack and tell what was going through his mind, even if he kinda had an idea on what it was.

'' it's nothing, don't worry''

''sure cause i will actually believe that''

ni-ki let out a sigh: maybe talking about it would help him. ''do you ever feel like you are lying to yourself?''

''yeah, it happens sometimes, usually when i can't accept something i make myself forget that thought. other times i just put it aside and don't act on it, even if it's not a healthy way to deal with itchy subjects... is something bothering you that you want to talk about?''

at those words ni-ki started thinking: was his brain making up those thoughts cause he was spending too much time at work? maybe he was too tired? it had been a while since he saw all his friends or went dancing. yeah, maybe he should just dance for a couple hours that would clear his mind-

''i think i am weirdly jealous of y/n''

jake was now looking at ni-ki's face, trying to read his emotions, but he wasn't showing any, his face was blank, a void of sentiments ''what do you mean by that?''

ni-ki took another long pause again ''i feel like i should be the only one that can annoy her. it's kind of our thing you know, annoying eachother. it bothers me when someone else does it. it's maybe a bit silly but i don't want to loose our bickerings and little fights cause they make my life a tiny bit more interesting''

''is that all?''

''yeah... do you think it's weird to feel like that?''

''no... as you said those quarrels are your thing, so it's normal to appeal entitled to it. are you sure there is nothing more to it tho?

after a few beats ni-ki decided to shift on another topic, since the discussion was going in a direction that he wanted to stay away as much as he could ''yeah don't worry. do you think that eunchae is going to come and give as a visit?''

jake let the conversation drop, still knowing that there was more to it but waiting for a better moment to dig more into it ''i don't know, she usually texts you, you should check''

ni-ki did as his friends said and as expected, there was eunchae's text: she was going to be at the cafe any minutes.

and five minutes later, there was eunchae in all glory. she went to hug the two guys and ordered her regular: an iced maple latte

''you know chae, maple latte is the drink taylor swift ordered while on a date with the ex that made her write one of her best song ever?'' said jake

''which song?''

''all too well''

''which version?'' asked eunchae. don't get her wrong, she wasn't an actal swiftie but she enjoyed the singer, i mean who wouldn't. she also liked to hear jake (or anyone) talk about their interests, but you would never catch her admitting that.

''i mean every single one but we all know that atwtmvtvftvsgavralps is just superior''

''what does that even mean'' interrupted ni-ki. a loud gasp was heard and that's when sunoo had appeared. of course he would appear in the moment that his favourite singer was mentioned.

''you have been working here for months and you still don't know what atwtmvtvftvsgavralps means? that is all we listen to basically!''

''ohhh he is losing it'' whispered eunchae: she knew that ni-ki would drive the two fans mad.

''no i don't. can you guys explain what it means?''

'' it's 'all too well 10 minutes version taylor's version from the vault sad girl autumn version recorded at long pond studios' '' explained jake

''put it on, i want to hear it since you act like it's the best song that ever existed'' declared ni-ki, and so sunoo did.

he would never admit it out loud, but they were right: ni-ki thought that the song was really good. not just good but actually touching and somehow it kept you curious, even with it's vast lenght.

after that they kept talking while the three baristas did some small chores or served the few costumers that came by.

at one point jake and eunchae were left alone for a few minutes, so jake caught the opportunity to bring up what was bothering him.

''eunchae, i think ni-ki as some kind of feelings for y/n''

''wait why?''

''we talked for a bit earlier and he said something about being jealous when other people make fun of her and how he feels like he is lying to himself''

''oh my god i actully had some suspicions, but you telling me this makes me believe that i'm probably right. i'll ask him in a few days tho, since we are having a sleepover at mine, so he might open up. it's not good when he bottles up his emotions'' she said, sounding a bit concearned

''that's why i brought it up, i know it talks to you about this type of subjects''

''yeah he does, cause i am like cupid''

''omg yes stream fifty fifty''

prev - masterlist - next

✧ note: fun fact, iced maple lattes are actually my favourite drink ever

✦ taglist: open! ask to be added@juyomiao

[whispers-of-lilith]

For the selfship ask thingy with letters: I, Q, and X!! You can choose any of the selfships you have to answer this!! 🫶

Thank you Risen!! I have other asks for Toji, so I think I'm going to go with Wriothesley for this one!

I - Imagine - How do they imagine their futures together?

Me: Honestly, the Duke doesn't leave the Fortress of Meropide often (understandably). So, imagining a future outside of Fontaine isn't easy. But when he passes on his duties to someone else in the distant future, I can see us finding a home in the lush green of Sumeru.

He makes more than enough money, meaning we could live comfortably. I don't need anything too extravagant, just enough space for us & the dogs we would adopt. After all the work he's done & the things he's gone through, I'd hope we could just enjoy a quiet life.

Wrio: Huh, I've never really thought that far ahead. I'm focused more on the present, taking things day by day. But, if I had to say, I can agree with seeing us living a quiet life together. I mean, it's not all that different from how I live now, you know?

I don't see myself ever leaving Fontaine. Although, maybe that's because this is where life had become worth living again. I'd be open to traveling, though & who knows, maybe I'll find myself content elsewhere.

Q - Quiver - What's something they do that makes the other flustered?

Me: ...it's not even intentional, but when he gets protective over those within the Fortress. Holy fuck. The protectiveness is one thing, but taking no bullshit & the way he remains calm / collected through the whole ordeal? It's horribly sexy.

Wrio: Ah hell, there are times when I'm pouring over documents at my desk— she'll sneak up behind me & start massaging my shoulders. Whispering in my ear about how stressed I look & how I need to relax. Needless to say, I can't focus on work anymore & while I won't admit to fucking on the job... let's just say this office has seen some things.

X - X-Ray - How do they help the other if they're sick or tired?

Me: He is SO stubborn when sick or tired. He's not one to let it show when he is & I found out rather quickly that he's not too keen on accepting help. It's gotten a bit better over time, but I respect his boundaries & keep my help more subtle.

I'll bring him different types of tea for when he's sick but still insists on working. Or when he's tired, I do my best to stay up with him to keep him company while he looks over 'just one more document'.

Wrio: When she's sick, I make sure she gets all the support & care that I had been denied for years. Anything she needs, I'll ensure she has. Even if she just wants to cuddle.

When she's tired (which happens often when she tries to stay up to keep me company), I'll lay her down on one of the office couches & cover her with a blanket. Not wanting her to be uncomfortable, I'll finish up what I was working on & carry her to bed.

Sorry this took a hot minute for me to answer. This was my first time writing for a self-ship that wasn't Toji! Thank you again for sending in the ask Risen, I had a lot of fun with this one 🩶

Self-ship alphabet ask game ❀

[saraannsworld]

For my whole life I have moved furniture. Every time something felt off I would re-arrange my room, my apartment and then my house. Sometimes it would be once a month, sometime multiple times in a week. People would joke with me about it. say things like “ oh no Sara is moving it around again” in a joking tone. I hated it. I knew why I did it. I did it because something felt wrong. I hoped that moving everything around would make my space feel better, but that never worked.

I have been doing this my whole life and for the first time. Being 40 in a few months. I finally see there is no pint in moving around my furniture. I am finally tired. I am ready to rest, to heal. To move into the person I am, not the person I wished I would be. I have been trying to be this image of what I think people want me to be, and not what I am. Stepping into those shoes came into my life in a really hard way, but I think the only way it would have happened.

We had been sitting on my neighbors front porch as we did so often. About the time the alcohol took over our body’s is when we started talking about me, jobs and possibilities. All I know is that I had had enough of trying to be. What I thought my family expected of me, tired of holding feelings in that it all came out. The last thing I remember being said was me yelling at my Mom that she never supported me and her yelling back how had she not supported me. It all ended with my son coming out and yelling “Stop, just stop”

I have not drank anything since then, I know I have to deal with my emotions and, experiences before I can drink again. Or maybe I never will again. What I do know is that one word can change everything. One word can have a different meaning to everyone in the same room. In this moment to my son “support” was me and his grandmother not fighting. To me it was feeling “supported” emotionally and, not feeling ecnored in my experience and what I wanted to do next. To my Mom it was that she had supported me with money and a place to live. She had been there for me as much as she could. Listened and supported.

In this moment I could see that I was really yelling at myself. I needed to support myself. Acknowledge my feelings and my experience. Step into my experience. Give it the room to breathe, and grow as much as possible. I needed to live my truth, walk away from these images I have created. My Mom had just been doing what she felt was the way she could be there for me. My son just wanted everyone to get along. Not argue and the trauma of this moment stop. The reality I excepted in this moment, is that the only way for anyone in my family to understand what I had been through was for them to have the same horrible things happen to them. I would never wish that on anyone. So I excepted that I will never be fully understood by my family. Since then I have done a lot of morning for my past self and past believes.

The truth that I had known for years, had been trying so hard to accept. That I was not becoming that person I was going to become that freshman year in high school. My high school years did things to me that no one understood. No one knew about, if they did they were brought into my lie of nothing happening. I stayed in that body, that place until I finally could not hold onto it any longer. I was able to heal some of my trauma while being in that space. I had never truly let go of it until now.

Now I am living with me. A woman who has been through trauma after trauma. A person who has not just survived but who is now flourishing. A woman who is raising a son on her own, that knows it is ok to except family support. A woman who understands life, emotions and healing in more ways then ever imagined. I woman who is going to change peoples life by helping them be seen through her art, her writing, her talking of the trauma experience. A person who will show them you can acknowledge the good, the bad, the ugly to see the strength and beauty in your life, your experience.

For so long I have this feeling of there is so much more for me out there. I am suppose to be doing so much more, reaching out into the world so much more. So that is starting here. Here at my desk, in my blogs, in my art, in my breath, in every step I take into my true self.

I now can feel the true me coming out. My furniture has not moved for months. My heart is finally finding feeling at home.

[sleepyowlwrites]

hello, since you oferred advice to the other anon can I get some words of wisdom too? you don't have to, I understand it can be a lot to ask. or maybe just a ear to listen? idk I'mhaving mixed emotions right now because somet things made me realize that even though I like writing, it's only gonna be ever for myself. which isn't a bad thing but I wanted to one day publish something but I find out now that writing is really hard and I don't have the discipline or even much interest it studying how to do it "right" like all the technicalities and stuff. so really I just like the finished product and how it "looks" in my brain more. I do like trying to figure out how to make a story make sense and all the behind the scenes stuff, but I'm rarely able to get to that stage due to being tired and unable to focus/ discipine myself to work.

I was wondering if there was something I could do about it? I mean I guess I need to accept that now when I write it's just gonna be as a hobby and for myself. though, similar to the other anon, I would like to share my writing, I mean I think we all want to share something we make at some point. but I probably have to give up wanting to make any kind of career or even part time thing from writing. I'm just not built for it I guess.

it's hard to accept. I tried developing templates for myself to follow to make it easier but I failed. I've tried many tips and suggestions and advice to write better but I just can't seem to grasp the craft. even reading doesn't help me.

I've thought about writing poetry instead, like you. but even though I like reading it I don't really like writing it much. I prefer to have characterts and drama, typical story stuff. but I struggle when it comes to putting everything together and actually crafting/building the story rather than just tell it.

sorry this got too long, I'm not really sure what I was trying to say, just need to go on a rant. I'm sorry if this was rude of me. thanks for reading if you do and I always like your responses so that's why I reached out, but let me know if I shouldn't do it like this

Had to wait until I got home from work.

So it looks like you understand your situation pretty well, actually, which is great to see.

Writing doesn't have to be a full time thing for you to go the published route. We have several published authors on here who have other jobs! You don't need to devote your whole career to it. It's fine for it to be a hobby and for it to be a hobby that you'd like to pursue a final result in.

If writing is something you enjoy, keep doing it, and if you'd like to progress, you can do it. (You can probably do it. Not everything is achievable for everyone. I will never be able to do advanced math, no matter how hard I try. My brain can't process it. But from what you're saying, your braincan process writing.)

You already know stuff you like or dislike, right? You know the story, just not how to tell it? Here are a few things that have worked for me and my discombobulated brain.

1. Bullet point lists. Just listing off major plot beats in bullet points. It's not an outline, it's not a plan, it's just a list of stuff that happens.

2. Rubber ducking. I pick somebody from something I've watched recently - for a whole there it was Keanu Reeves - and I explain my story to them multiple times so I understand myself how it works. Or not.

3. Draw a map. Not just a land map, but a map of where the characters go and notes on where they're from and what they're doing in each place.

4. Ask games. I make up so much stuff for ask games and some of it even stays canon!

5. Don't try to fit yourself into one mold of one type of writer. Just write whatever. Write one wip or 17. Write short fiction. Write fanfiction. Write one paragraph stories. Write comics with stick figures or rambling prose that goes nowhere.

5. When you read, rewrite it in your head. Edit those books! Pull out a trope you notice and stick it in a story. (A trope is anything as general as "enemies to lovers" and as specific as "traumatized tall girl with a big sword.")

6. Actually rewrite scenes, from any media you like. Choose a new pov. Focus on a particular sense, like touch, or write it in future tense, or change the setting.

7. Write descriptive prose that's not a story. Write something that's only dialogue. Write journal entries. Switch it up.

And sweetheart, if you are unable to focus or enjoy this hobby that is usually a good time for you, I think think the hobby is the issue. There's something else going on in your brain and taking up the space and you don't have room to create.

For instance, I work retail, full-time, and it’s the holiday season, and I'm fatigued and stressed and not currently writing anything. But I was also not writing when it wasn't the holiday season. And I was too fatigued to create then, too. And it's probably because my depression is acting up.

This might not be the case for you. I can't know. But everybody learns differently, and if you're willing to try new ways of learning, you might find the one that works for you! I hope so. I hope that you sit down with your brain and parse through it, taking the time to figure out the style that suits you best.

But mostly I hope you understand that regardless of how your brain functions or doesn't, that you are amazing and trying, because you like this thing, and you don't want to give up on it. So good job. As long as it is a thing that you like, I hope you keep trying. Somewhere there is a method that speaks to you, some way that helps you find the dawn after the dark. I believe you can find it.

Keep going, love.

[fox-bright]

Right after Easter, twenty years ago this month, my mentor sent me a one-way ticket to Pittsburgh, PA, and saved my life.

I'd been more or less disowned a year and a half before--my mother threw me out on the ninth of September, 2001--and I was drowning in sand. I am not a creature of the desert, even if I was raised there, and my hometown was not a loving place for almost anyone to be. And while multiple friends and coworkers had by that point felt it necessary to stop me when I was idly talking about my week and say you know, you don't have to accept this treatment. You know, I believe she loves you, or thinks she does, but that's not GOOD ENOUGH when she treats you like she does, I hadn't yet really come to accept that my mother is who she is. I was miserable, and lonely, and not even allowed to visit  my siblings unless Mom was there, because "I don't know what you'd talk to them about, and I don't think you're righteous."

(I might, it's true, have talked to them about how I was queer. I was more likely to have talked to them about Final Fantasy or something, but I guess we'll never know.)

Mom threw me out when I was nearly nineteen. At twenty, Diane sent me a plane ticket. Her voice down the phone--I'd never heard it before, in the years that I'd been part of the young writer's forum she moderated, the internet back then was mostly text--was warm and gentle and peaceable. I found a room for you, she said. I have friends who can help you get a job. She sent me a Greyhound ticket to Phoenix (along with thirteen dollars in cash, because you could pay extra and give the recipient up to half the value of the ticket) and a plane ticket from Sky Harbor to PIT. I was scared and unsure, but I was so, so tired of being hungry. So tired of not knowing for sure where I was going to sleep next week. And sick at heart from my mother's behavior ("Did you sleep with him?" she asked me, about my fiance; when I quietly but unashamedly said I had, she pulled me forty feet by my braid, her acrylic fingernails digging bleeding grooves into my scalp that ached for months, scars I probably still have). I'd been so comprehensively heartbroken already that I didn't know how I'd survive it, and the trick to surviving suicidality is, do anything else. Even if it means you leave your whole life behind.

And I knew I'd miss my siblings, but fuck, I missed them already, so what the hell.

I got on the bus. I got on the plane. I touched down in the aftermath of a late snowstorm, and I didn't have a coat, and the air felt sharp and tasted like clouds. And Diane was there, smiling, and she started talking and didn't stop until she'd deposited me in my new home.

And then, having gotten me to Pittsburgh, she gave me everything. Took me to this meetup and that interesting park, introduced me to everyone she knew, constantly finagled and jostled and gently prodded me through anxiety and discomfort and into growth and learning and maturity. She took me to doctors and the dentist, which my mother had neglected or denied me when I begged (I was twenty the first time I ever went to a dentist; that's four or five solid years after I started telling my mother that I really needed to see one). She took me shopping for work clothes, and made suggestions about styling and my hair that would help child-sized, baby-faced me look a little more formidable. She didn't, ever, overstep; she always seemed magically to know when it was time to let go and watch me baby-stumble for a while until my feet were steady under me. I was such a very young twenty, half-feral, poorly-socialized and just about absolutely ignorant of how people should behave, and she never once made me feel ashamed of myself.

I've been thinking about this a lot this week. Twenty years. Half my life, just about precisely. All the things I've gotten to do since then--travel; take up a martial art and train and train until I competed on the national level; become an artist's model in paintings all over the world; perform lion dance for a ballet with the love of my life literally supporting me, throwing me into the air; learn to garden and to preserve my own food and to quilt and crochet and put up drywall and take down ancient varnish and unfreeze a pipe and make sourdough bread from starter and so, so many other things--I've gotten to do because of her. Because if she hadn't gotten me out of Cottonwood, within six months I would have been dead.

I love my life. I've had a lot of grief, in twenty years; lost a baby, lost friends to illness or just bad luck, lived with a boyfriend who was the very definition of psychotic and who burned my life down around my ears, chose other partners who weren't what I deserved, until I learned to require the right things. But I worked in my garden today under an unseasonably hot sun, moving wood-chip mulch with a wagon--

--okay, so the garden, right, and the mulch. I wanted this house because of its garden; I spend a lot of time in it, through much of the year. I grow a lot of food and a lot of flowers, and the air is full of birds all day and fireflies all night. Last year the next-door-neighbor on our left had tree people in to take down a couple of trees, and I looked at the deep dumptruckful of fresh tree chips and I wanted it. I knew that a lot of the time tree services have to pay to dump their wood chips somewhere else, and that they find it tedious. And I thought, Diane would just walk on over there, and say hi-ii  the way that she does, and ask for it. Diane would just smile, and--

I raised my chin, and I walked over, and I gave my winningest smile, and I said Hi-ii, I'm Gen, I live right there in the house with the blue roof, and I was wondering, do you guys want a place to dump all that? and fifteen minutes later I had a couple of tons of premium hardwood chip mulch behind my house. I've been transporting it to various places in the garden since, scoop by scoop with a shovel and my little black wagon, and have thickly covered a couple of hundred feet worth of beds so far. I put twenty wagon-loads up front of the house today, making twenty or thirty feet of new garden bed for native pollinator plants to go into in three weeks, and the whole time I was literally singing with how good my life is, how lucky I am, to have my husband, to have my home, to have a place that has kept me safe, to have learned so many things, to live somewhere that I get to experiment and watch things grow and produce baskets and baskets of food from a handful of seeds. Because of work and lessons and effort and continuing to put one foot ahead of the other, yes, I've worked hard to get here. But ultimately--because of Diane.

I don't really know what good parents are like. Dad is a word that means "hurts you and hurts you and hurts you and then disappears," and Mom is a word that means "will eat your heart from the inside and complain the whole time about the taste." But because of Diane...because of her, I do understand, a little.

[her-reawakening]

Hi, bitches.

*Gossip Girl intro voice*

Her Reawakening is inspired by my very own frontal lobe developing. Let's give it up for her! (applause emojis)

I've found myself in a life long rut. For some reason, I'd thought my life would magically take a u-turn and everything would work out in my favor without my having to work for it. I don't know what kind of delulu I was in but to my shock life doesn't work that way, and it's much harder without a plan.

So let me hold myself accountable here. My future self will definitely read this, and then I'll feel embarrassed about not having done a gotdam fuck thing.

It might have to do with the poison of Social Media which I am apparently very susceptible to, but I have this immense pressure and anxiety to be HER. I want to tear my skin off and put a new one on overnight and reawaken as Her, She. It's so frustrating not being able to do that. You know? Hehe...

I know I can become that version. And you can thinkpiece as much as you want on the dangers of women's toxic and impossible beauty standards on social media but I don't care. *laughs evilly* This is the world we live in and I'd rather enjoy the benefits of being an Angel on Earth. I've only just accepted that I'm starting at a certain point to reach my ideal version, so we're off to a good start. Hopefully whoever reads this will be able to learn from my experiences.

And this is not just the embodiment of beauty, but physical excellence, mental wellbeing, mindfulness, spirituality, social experiences, academic achievement, financial stability etc etc. <3

I want to sleep like a baby knowing I am doing my best to create the life I ENJOY living. I want to be the cuntiest, most solid version of myself. Every breath I take will be proud of me just because I am so excellent.

I have a few goals in mind at the moment.

Eat whole foods 95% of the time.

I am a particularly sensitive person, inside and out. My organs won't accept heavily processed food without making me feel sick, especially with gluten and dairy included. In my experience I have to eat as close to Whole as I can so I will actually feel like a real and functional person. To put this in perspective, eating this way for me is like putting the most expensive oil made for your car and also deep cleaning and detailing inside and out and getting brand new tires and a new paint job. It is a truly incredible feeling and I highly recommend anyone tries it out.

Also, cut out caffeine. I don't want to shock my poor body by going cold turkey so I'm going to slowly cut down my dosages everyday, take it early in the morning (but after two hours of being awake) and drink a lot water with it as well.

Green juices are amazing and my go to for breakfast. They help me feel so revitalized and give me a serious buzz.

I will grocery shop on Wednesday and Prep on Thursdays to avoid feeling overwhelmed of doing it all in one day.

2. Exercise regularly

Workout out 4/wk and Yoga 3/wk

I'm starting out with running since I'm not familiar with the proper forms you need for weight training. I add progression to my workouts of course, one minute longer, .5 miles longer, etc. I also do stair masters, and some leg machines that don't scare me. The glow I get from combining exercise and eating well is insane. It does take a week of 100% commitment for me to get to this 'candlelit within look' but I've done it before so I know I can do it again! I'm going to work out Mon/Tue and Fri/Sat and do an hour of yoga Wed/Thur/Sun! :)

3. Gua Sha/Face massage

I hold all of my tension in my face and traps, so I plan on getting masseter botox for a softer face and TMJ, which is a huge pain for my jaw! In the meantime I will face massage deeply every other day, at 8PM. I eventually want forehead botox as well to help with my frown lines. As an alternative I stick with forehead stickies and it makes a difference.

This is all I want to incorporate right now. They are my most bother some insecurities so I'll do myself the favor and create habits that support them :) I don't want to overwhelm myself and give up completely by too many goals.

Cheers to an update by next Monday!

Xoxo