#that she shouldnt need to constantly be playing a character when no one else is

[beforetimes]

i also think it's fair to say that charles was projecting onto erik a tiny bit during that fight on the jet to paris. when he says that erik took raven from him. when you're watching first class it's sort of very clear to see that charles did his share in pushing raven away throughout the film. especially when she's portrayed to be in this space between acceptance and rejection of her mutation. after erik enters her life around the same time she finds more mutants to bond with, she gets positive reinforcement surrounding her blue skin. when before, she asks charles and he sidesteps the question, and hank outwardly rejects her. she was definitely a kid at the beginning of the film before transitioning into someone who decided she deserved more than to be hated for who she was at the end. and in that process left the person who had raised her but also never seemed to see things the way she did; see her the way raven saw herself. becoming mystique and shedding the name raven was a way to divorce herself from charles' influence but! erik still played his fair part in bringing her over to his side. both charles and erik pushed her away from home and both charles and erik needed to work together to bring her back to her family

[heyyallitsbeth]

so i let the hyperfixation win.

over the past several hours i rewatched Sword Art Online and SAO 2.

(this time dubbed, last time i watched it subbed)

here are my thoughts:

-anyone who said the dub was bad is just wrong. Kirito's VA really shines in the more comedic or sweet moments (like when first meeting Yui), he reminds me of like a Peter Parker. and oh my lord, the breakdown by Suguha's VA was just a masterpiece. Still have chills from watching it.

-i have such a big appreciation for every character. This time it really shined through how good of characters Kirito, Asuna, and Suguha actually are.

Kirito's internal conflict throughout SAO2 is so good, grappling with their actions they needed to take in SAO to survive. and throughout all of it you can tell how much they truly loves their friends and family, and how kind hearted they really are. Asuna definitely fits into that role as well, being so ready to take care of Yui and so desperately wanting her to be safe and loved and cared for.

And oh my gosh Suguha. I remember people absolutely hated her arc because it is problematic, but the fact is, it's played entirely serious, her feelings arent taken as a joke. She has a genuine and real internal struggle for feeling things she feels she shouldnt, and how she feels those feelings arent reciprocated or cant be reciprocated, and having her heart broken twice by someone who she loves and someone who also does still genuinely love her. Its absolutely heartbreaking to watch.

Man, Sinon is still fantastic. She's still my absolute favorite, and I think she is one of the best characters in the show, and pretty much steals the show from her introduction. Her arc ties in so seamlessly with Kirito's and how they help eachother heal and grow is fantastic. Only complaint is we never got a scene of the rest of the Gals being jealous about the grenade hug she gave Kirito. After Kirito and Sinon nearly died, wouldve been some nice relief so you didnt feel like you yourself were dying.

-Speaking of, while there was definitely a ton of fanservice, the pseudo-harem aspect with the jokes were kinda cute, between characters seeing flirting happen around them, getting embarassed over it, its fun. Especially when people got jealous of Sinon flirting with Kirito over Excalibur. That part was very fun, since they did that infront of everyone else, almost like they were trying to get a rise out of them. Theyre not exactly the pinnacle of comedy, its definitely a trope, but theres something nostalgic about it that makes it kinda enjoyable.

-Speaking of the psuedo-harem, guys if all of you are constantly flirting with eachother (not just Kirito surprisingly, happens between the other girls frequently) and jealous of any affection with that, just start a polycule. You're a group of gamer girls playing MMOs together and all of you have slept in the same bed with eachother. Stop snipping at eachother and start dating eachother. Polyamory is pretty cool. Kirito and Asuna can still be the main duo and be the parents to Yui and Strea; but yall gotta work on the jealousy or just do what every other group of girl gamers does, polyamory. Lisbeth you should not be angrily drinking while watching Kirito and Asuna talk. (this is mostly a joke, im not actually saying they *have* to do a polycule, its more of a joke because of how tropey a lot of the flirting and jealousy is, and yknow, gay girls do polyamory, so dont take this part toooooo seriously.)

-Speaking of girls dating girls, the LGBT rep aint half bad. Argo canonically using both male and female pronouns is really cool! Most of the girls flirt with eachother a lot too, which is nice. Between the female avatar, the willingness to pretend to be a girl, the introversion, the desire to be an avatar in a virtual world more than irl, Kirito might be transgender. All good stuff here.

Overall, SAO is honestly way better than I remembered, even if some parts definitely show its age. You gotta piece it together a little bit with headcanons, but i do that with every show, nothing is perfect. Except Sinon. And a world where trans Kirito is canon. Those are perfect.

[bitterblackberry]

so i finished kanato’s route. um. this game is so misogynistic? and you straight up have to go along with kanato’s abusive behaviour to get the good ending thats so? literally both yui and kanato follow textbook abuse behaviours. kanato constantly belittles and physically attacks yui, he even threatens to rape her at one point, but afterwords he often acts like she is overreacting and shouldnt be crying. sometimes he even comforts her immediately after he hurts her. then yui shows very obvious signs of being a victim of abuse, she makes excuses for him all the time, she puts his wellbeing above hers even when he’s the one attacking her (in one scene he is literally choking her and she’s worrying about how he’s upset). she starts off apologizing when she didn’t do anything wrong just to appease him but as time goes on she starts to genuinely believe she is in the wrong, at one point kanato locks yui in a storage room for talking to his brothers and by the end of it she has begun to believe she was wrong and needs to apologize, when they were the ones tormenting her. over the course of the story yui starts to depend on physical affection from kanato, saying she can’t live without sex + kanato drinking her blood, even though the player up to this point is never privy to any sex/blood drinking where yui isn’t crying out in pain for him to stop while kanato tells her how she should be feeling great.

then there’s the misogyny and rape culture in this game. i haven’t even played any routes other than kanato’s but the guys all slut shame and body shame yui basically whenever they see her. on multiple occasions ayato and laito try to rape yui and then kanato stops them, tells them to fuck off then berates yui for “seducing them” and either attacks her or locks her in a storage room for “being unfaithful to him”. he talks about how all women are seductresses ect ect. its genuinely really horrible.

i’m not trying to demean anyone who enjoys this game, but i just couldn’t. the entire time i felt like i was playing a horror game that was telling me i should find the guy who keeps abusing the main character attractive, which i just ugh.

if i can find the energy i’ll try to play a different route because maybe kanato’s was just especially horrible or something and i really want to give this game the benefit of the doubt because i like its style and overly edgy vampire shit from the 2000/10s is like my fav thing but idk

again not tagging because i dont want dialovers fans to see this and ruin their scroll of the tag. let me know if it needs to be tagged for anything else, i’m not sure what tags people blacklist to avoid this kind of content so i’ll try to guess in the tags but if i get it wrong please correct me

[nonclassyparty]

watching everyone discuss sr!sans irredeemability is so entertaining i love when there’s so many different opinions

however me personally i don’t necessarily think san is irredeemable but i wouldn’t be all for jump his bones either, i don’t think he’s a bad person nor a good person just a person who’s made bad decisions and is most definitely an asshole (at least he’s also self aware i guess…) but i do think for oc it would be better for him not to be in her life as he’s honestly just hurt her constantly and unless she completely heals and moves on from it he would be deemed “irredeemable” BUT also me as a person i do like to think people could change for the better sooooo….. but….. he’s hurt her so much…..

also to be fair depending on different characters’ perspective, oc could also be seen as irredeemable (i.e. boyoungs pov) so seeing this from oc’s pov shows san as an asshole (which he is but i think he seems even worse from her pov) and that’s why a lot of people think he’s irredeemable. i personally think he needs therapy (and everyone else atp bye)

i just wish for mc to have all the closure possible and for her to learn to love herself and have a good support group that loves her

this is why i love your writing tbh because there’s no black or white, good or bad, the characters you write are so complex and have so much depth that make them realistic and i love how you’ve developed them. honestly you should be proud you’re amazing! the way every single character you’ve written has made some kind of mistake or been some kind of dick somehow to someone and not any of them are perfect is why i love this series sm

(also low-key if wooyoung and yeosang in love or whatevuh and wooyoung her bestie will yeosang also become her bestie eventually…. if so…. looking forward to that friendship development)

take care of yourself stay hydrated and continue to be the baddie you are xx looking forward to the next update xx

i love when there are so many different opinions as well and its playing out exactly how i expected it to bc now instead of everybody being on the good girl's side and disregarding the mean girl, everybody is on y/n's side and disregarding just anybody else 😭

but yes absolutely, i agree with you! apart from y/n going back to him being a complete step back to everything she's worked on (even if he has changed and now decides he wants something serious with her, some hurt just stays and you cant get over that shit and frankly shouldnt bc how do you even build a healthy relationship over all the history the two of them have), the two of them together would just be a disaster i feel like they'd just enable each other's bad behavior 😭

and also yes, from boyoung's perspective yn is the irredeemable one and san is her ex-boyfriend and her first love and the guy she still has a soft spot for. it's all about perspectives!!

thank you very much for reading and enjoying the series, i worked so hard on it when i tell u cant wait for the final chapter to be posted bc i want to write something elseeeee😭

(and u know yeosang will be her bestie as well, she always liked him but the beef between them ruined it😭)

[brelione]

Now That You’re Gone (The Best Boys)

Series Masterlist

NOT MY GIF

warnings:mentions of drugs, death, not proof read.also im pretty sure this is the longest chapter in the series.

 You didnt really remember coming back inside, waking up on the kitchen floor with your phone playing some random playlist.You slowly got up, looking into the living room.Rafe and Kelce were missing, Topper on the floor with his legs on the couch, drool on his chin.

You groaned, stumbling upstairs. “Kelce?”You called out, wondering if he had left. “WHAT?”He shouted from your bedroom, holding one of your pillows to his chest. “Nothing.”You replied, opening the door of the guest room as you searched for Rafe.

He was half asleep, eyes closing every couple of seconds as he stared at his phone, not even unlocking it yet. “Rafe?”You asked.He hummed, opening his eyes all the way. “Wha??”He asked, clearing his throat. “Just making sure you’re awake.”You replied, making your way back downstairs.

You didnt even question why Kelce was sleeping on your bed or why Topper was sleeping in the position that he was.It didnt seem that weird to you.But you couldnt understand why you had woken up on your kitchen floor with your phone playing music, feeling how hot the screen was.It had to have been playing for hours.You went to your texts, frowning when you saw a whole conversation that you couldnt recall having.

Unknown:She passed away this morning, the service is gonna be in mid august in venice.

You:What’d she pass from?

Unknown:Stroke.

You:Why is the service going to be so far from now?

Unknown:Cremation

You:wtf she never wanted cremation

Unknown:Thats what she said she wanted

You didnt need any context to know exactly what he was talking about.You werent surprised either, not feeling anything.You werent even shocked.You just sat there for a minute, letting out a sigh before checking all your other notifications.

Money was being transferred into your bank account, already having an additional 30k.You didnt even want to go to the funeral, it was stupid anyways.She had just left you like the selfish bitch she was.You got off the floor, going back up into your room.Kelce was more awake now, sitting up and scrolling through his instagram.

 “You okay?”He asked, noticing how you were walking a bit sideways almost like you were drunk.You hummed, opening your drawers and pulling out the first thing you saw.You quickly pulled off the shirt you were already wearing, too tired and disoriented to care that you werent wearing anything under it and that you were covered in hickies.

Kelce shriekedk, burying his face into the pillow.You ignored him, pulling on some baggy jeans. “Are you done?”He asked, voice muffled by the pillow. “My mom’s dead.”You replied, shrugging your shoulders.He frowned, looking up at you and studying your face, trying to figure out if you were serious.

 “Im sorry, sunshine.You okay?”He asked, opening his arms.You nodded, hugging him. “Yeah...its just...I dont know, is its bad that I dont miss her?It just feels wrong.”You admitted.Kelce nodded, understanding. 

“No, no, its fine, babes.She wasnt in your life that much so its totally normal.I think its good that you’re not upset, it means that you let go of that toxic part of your life.”He squeezed your shoulder lightly.You nodded, not sure if you believed him or not. 

“Yeah, I guess.”You shrugged, pulling out of the hug. “Im gonna go downstairs.”You told him, leaving your room and going down the steps, seeing Topper now completely on the floor.His eyes opened, looking up at you. “Hi.”He grinned, flipping onto his stomach.

You just looked down at him before heading into your kitchen, opening your fridge and pouring yourself a cup of juice, grabbing your vitamins and downing them with a sip of juice, sitting at your kitchen table.Topper frowned, getting up and stretching his long limbs, cracking his knuckles before coming up behind you, wrapping his arms around your shoulders.

You just sighed, leaning your head against his arm. “Did you sleep okay?”He asked, trying to figure out what was off about you.You just shrugged, looking up at him. “Did you sleep in one of the guest rooms?”He asked.You shook your head, turning in your seat so you could rest your arms on the chair.

His face wasnt far away from yours now, his casted arm resting on the chair as well. “Are the boys still asleep?”He asked. “Nope.”You answered.He glanced over at the staircase, almost like he was making sure they werent watching him. 

“Do you wanna do something today?”He asked, kissing your forehead lightly. “Like what?”You asked, not sure what he was planning in his mind. “I dunno...do you want to drive?”He suggested, a small smirk tugging at his lips.

You raised your eyebrows, surprised he’d even suggest such a thing. “Drive where?”You asked, curious.He shrugged, biting on his bottom lip. “We could go to Barnes and Noble or to Dunkin Donuts...we could go thrifting or rock hunting.”He grinned, tapping his fingers along the chair.You didnt know why it happened or why you got the sudden urge to do what you did, leaning up and kissing him.

He was surprised at first, freezing up for a moment before calming himself, his fingers lightly grazing your waist.He pulled back for a second, biting his lip and taking in a deep breath.You didnt say anything, messing around with his hair.

He let out a soft sigh, leaning down again, kissing you gently.Rafe made his way down the stairs, glancing into the kitchen before doing a double take, eyes widening.He just stood there for a second, gripping the railing.He quickly turned around, heading back upstairs.Fucking hell.You pulled away from Topper, his thumb running over your cheekbone, his face a bit pink. “So...Barnes and Noble?”You asked.

Topper jogged upstairs, grabbing his wallet, turning around and seeing Rafe standing in the doorway of the guest room. “Topper, why?”Rafe asked, sighing.Topper raised his eyebrows. “Why what?”He asked, feeling himself tense up. 

“You cant-you cant just….”Rafe muttered, realising there wasnt much he could say.THe two of you werent official, he wasnt allowed to be mad.Topper walked past him, heading towards your bedroom to talk to Kelce. “(Y/N) and I are heading to the bookstore, you want anything?”Topper asked.Kelce raised his eyebrows, looking down at his phone.

 “Did she tell you what happened?”Kelce asked.Topper shook his head, confused. “Her mum died...dont tell her that I told you, I think she needs a good distraction.”Kelce got up, patting Topper on the shoulder.Kelce was heading towards Rafe, figuring that he should know too.

 “Why wouldnt she want Topper and I to know?”Rafe asked.Kelce shrugged, not knowing an actual answer.THat explained why you started showing a ton of affection towards Topper, you just needed something to occupy your mind.But Rafe could occupy your mind so much better.What did Topper have that Rafe didnt?Blonde hair?

You werent as nervous to drive anymore, knowing to take the back roads.Topper had the volume of the radio at 5, playing some music from his old study playlist.It was mainly indie music and anything that made him feel like a main character even though he would never admit it.

He was looking out his window at the passing trees, looking over to you every couple of seconds.The Barnes and Noble in Outer Banks was on the smaller side since not a lot of people went to it.You pulled into the parking lot, letting out a sigh of relief. “You okay?”Topper chuckled, reaching over and squeezing your hand. “Yeah.”You replied, smiling at him.

THe two of you entered the store, seeing the table of best sellers and new releases.He gripped your hand tightly, guiding you over to the fantasy section.His other arm was resting in his sling, looking over the different titles. “I know that they have a uh….uh….shit.Loki!They have a Loki book!”He exclaimed, proud of himself.You smiled, your thumb tapping his palm as your eyes scanned over all the book covers.You turned around, looking at the other shelf when something else caught your eye.

“Rafe-are you serious right now?I thought you were trying to get clean!”Kelce exclaimed, seeing the other lines that Rafe had prepared for himself.Rafe shrugged, leaning down towards the countertop when Kelce smacked the side of his head.

 “RAFE!What the hell is wrong with you?Put the bill down, now.”Kelce demanded.Rafe glared at him for a moment, tossing the twenty onto the countertop before stepping back. “What?”Rafe asked, taking in a deep breath. “Talk to me, man.You’re doing this for a reason, right?Why dont you just tell me the reason.”Kelce suggested, sitting down at the counter across from Rafe. 

“FUCKING TOPPPER IS THE REASON, ALRIGHT?”Rafe shouted, slamming his fists down. “HE’S NOT RIGHT FOR HER!HES NOT!AND I COME DOWN STAIRS AND HES ALL OVER HERE AND ITS FUCKING DISGUSTING!HE GETS ALL FUCKING PISSED WHENEVER IM AROUND HER BUT WHENEVER HE DOES IT ITS FINE.AND-AND NOW I CANT-I CANT BE ALONE AGAIN!HE CANT TAKE HER AWAY!”Rafe shouted, his voice getting squeaky and his eyes getting watery. “And I know-I know that I cant be mad at him but its so hard!Do you think she even cares about me?Like at all?”Rafe asked, hands shaking as he reached for the dollar bill again.

Kelce gripped his wrist, shaking his head. “Rafe, dont.You cant just snort some coke and have all your problems go away.She does care about you, I can promise you that.But its not her job to constantly validate you, you gotta do that for yourself.And we cant be dependent on her all the time, its not good for her and its not good for any of us.I shouldnt have done what i did last night but to be honest I think we were all in the wrong.This cant tear us all apart and be honest with yourself, you knew this would happen too.I always knew she was gonna have to pick one of us, I fucking knew it.Theres no way we can all be happy, everyones gonna be upset no matter what and as much as it sucks its the truth.But is coke gonna fix any of that?No.”Kelce finished, staring back at Rafe.

He was speechless, a few tears slipping down his face. “Im pretty sure she doesnt even want a relationship.Dont tell her that I told you this, okay?But….in the hospital elevator she told me that she didnt want to date you.I dont think she wants to date anyone and we’re gonna have to respect that.Fuck, im contradicting myself, arent I?I doesnt matter.I dont think any of us are stable to be in a relationship, we’re all so fucked up right now.”Kelce thought out loud, letting out a sigh. 

“Kelce.”Rafe choked out, taking in a shaky breath.Kelce raised his eyebrows, not sure what to expect. “The thing that (Y/N) and I have isnt the same as the thing you guys have.After yesterday I thought-I thought she saw me different, you know?I just...I thought I was special.”Rafe muttered, pinching his nostrils shut.Kelce frowned, not really understanding. “What did you do yesterday?”Kelce asked, thinking of all the possibilities and hoping he wasnt right.Rafe huffed, trembling as he spoke. “We slept together.”He replied, watching Kelce’s eyes widen, jaw dropping.

You and Topper stood in line, seeing his eyes widen when he saw Pope Heyward and JJ Maybank only a few feet away, the two of them bickering as they looked at notebooks.Topper almost let a rude comment slip out, reminding himself that he was with you.

JJ looked over his shoulder, smacking Pope when he saw the two of you. “Pope, Pope, Pope!Look-its (Y/N).”JJ grinned, looking back over to you.You squeezed Topper’s hand, looking over to JJ and flashing him a small smile. 

“Hi, JJ.”You spoke quietly, not wanting to be too loud in a bookstore. “Hi.”He waved, biting his lip before looking back down at the notebooks. “Hi.”Pope nodded, embarrassed.Topper didnt say anything, tapping his foot.The two pogues rushed off, laughing quietly.

You and Topper got back into your car, satisfied with the books and movies you two had picked out.He wanted to get the first movie he saw that just happened to be The Outsiders.You found a few realistic fiction books, deciding to get them along with a small raccoon plushie and a dinosaur bookmark for Kelce.

You ddint know why you had picked them, figuring it would make them smile.The two of you just sat in the car for a few minutes, not really ready to leave the parking lot yet. “Hey, do you wanna draw on my cast later?”He asked, becoming bored of looking at the same bland, bulky cast that clung to his arm.You nodded, carefully grabbing his hand.

Your palm was over his cast, his fingers closing around yours with a small smile on his face.The two of you sat in silence for a few minutes before you started up your car, Topper removing his hand from yours so you could drive properly.

He was playing the same song on loop for hours, hoping you wouldnt notice.He didnt know why he liked it so much, the beat and the overall vibe of it calmed him.Of course you noticed, starting to wonder how long the song was that it could be going on for fifteen minutes straight.

You didnt have a problem with it, glad that it calmed him and that it wasnt a terrible song.

He was half asleep, deciding to open one of the books you got, rereading the same line eleven times.He yawned, reading it again.He could never understand how you could keep up with storylines so well when you couldnt even remember something that had happened just last week.

You were driving ten under the speed limit, carefully pulling into your driveway. “You did a good job.”Topper kissed your forehead lightly, smiling.He lingered for a second, glancing down at your lips.

You rested your forehead against his, your thumb rubbing little circles along the side of his neck.He slowly leaned forward, pulling away a second later.His hand made its way to the back of your neck, kissing you again.

He wasnt as nervous this time but was still pretty nervous, not wanting to mess up or embarass himself.You were the one to pull away this time, taking in a deep breath. “We should go inside.”You told him, messing around with the hair on the back of his head.

He nodded, not moving yet.You eventually let go of him, taking your keys out and grabbing your Barnes and Noble bag, getting out of the car.He came with you, seeing Kelce and Rafe sitting in the kitchen, seeming to be in a deep conversation that had been interrupted by your entrance. “Hey.”You grinned at them, putting your bag down on the counter.

Rafe couldnt even bring himself to smile, feeling too exhausted.You pouted, trying to figure out what was wrong.His eyes were slightly puffy, his lips slightly red like he had been biting at them.He had been crying for a reason that you couldnt quite place, not wanting to push him to tell you what had happened.

Instead you reached into the bag, pulling out the plushie and pushing it into his chest before he could see exactly what it was.He looked down at it, laughing quietly.It had large, purple glittery eyes and a little tag with a link to a website.

He grabbed your waist, pulling you so that he could rest his head on your stomach.You gulped, sucking in your gut ever so slightly and hoping that he wouldnt notice.You raised your eyebrows at Kelce, looking down at Rafe, trying to ask silently what had happened.Kelce simply shook his head, placing a finger over his lips.

You nodded, running your fingers through Rafes hair, dragging your fingertips down his jaw, the bridge or his nose and his temple, feeling his arms getting tired as he relaxed, now draped around your hips.Topper sat down on the couch, holding the dvd in his hands as he waited for a time to watch it.

Rafe loved having you around, his breathing getting steady as you massaged his scalp.He knew that it was wrong to want to be in your arms when you had been kissing another guy but you just took such good care of him, of everyone.

You reached over to the bag, throwing the book mark at Kelce’s face. “Thanks.”He smiled, looking at all the little dinosaurs.He didnt read physical books too often but he always loved getting something new to add to his (Y/N) box. 

“Can you guys please come watch this movie with me?”Topper asked, peeling at his cuticles.Kelce got up, looking over to you and Rafe before nodding towards Topper, wanting to make sure that you two didnt get too caught up with eachother.

Kelce took the dvd from Kelce, putting it into your dvd player and switching the HDMI before sitting down on the couch, surprised when you chose to cuddle up next to him.He was relieved that you werent hesitant about giving them affection now that you knew the truth, resting his hand on your back.

Rafe rested at the end of the couch, poking at your knee cap, a grin on his face as he tried to annoy you.Topper sat on the floor, his head against the couch so you could reach out and fluff of his golden locks if you wanted to.The credits were at the beginning of the movie, all of you guys remaining quiet as you watched the screen.

 “Didnt we read this book in 7th grade?”Topper asked, putting the pieces together.You hummed, tapping Kelce’s chest. “Nope, I read it to you guys while you pretended to listen.”You corrected.Once Dally showed up on screen all the boys had turned to look at you, waiting for you to fall in love. 

“Come on, (Y/N)!Isnt that one your type!He’s brunette and just got out of jail!”Kelce pointed out.You grinned, shrugging. “He’s okay.”You replied, surprising them. “Hey, do you guys want to make a blanket fort later?”You asked, feeling bored with the set up of the living room.

They nodded, agreeing. “Yeah, okay.”Rafe nodded.It wasnt until the scene of Ponyboy’s parents getting into a car accident that anyone spoke again, Topper laughing. “Same.”He pointed at the tv, hoping you guys would laugh too.Kelce was the first to laugh, nodding. “We should sue the for stealing your plot line.”He grinned.Rafe chuckled, sighing.

 “Let me just call my lawyer, oh wait, my phone drowned.”He laughed again, looking over to you to make sure that you werent taking it to seriously.You simply grinned, rolling your eyes. “If I were a character in this who would I be?”Rafe asked, his head against your thigh.You hummed, thinking. “I dunno….I think Kelce would be Darry for sure but I think you would be Ponyboy cause you’re dumb.”You grinned at him, knowing you were about to get attacked.

He scoffed, climbing on top of you and laying down on top of you, his head on your stomach and his legs on top of yours, nearly crushing you. “You’re gonna kill me!’You exclaimed, flicking him repeatedly.He pouted, getting comfy.

Your phone began to ring but you chose to ignore it, figuring it was your uncle calling to ask if you were coming to Italy.The others followed your lead, ignoring it too.They were all there with you, it wasnt like anyone else really mattered.It wasnt until it rang for the eighth time that you finally picked up, whispering for Kelce to pause the movie as you held the phone to your ear, waiting for the person to say something first. 

“hello?”A deep voice asked.You frowned, not recognizing it. “What?”You asked, hoping it wasnt your uncle. “Um...is this (Y/N) (Y/L/N)?”The voice asked and you could hear tapping in the background. “yeah.”You replied, not wanting to give away anymore information.

 “This is your father.”THe voice spoke, letting out a sigh right after it. “I heard that your mother died, how are you doing?”He asked.Rafe was tapping at your thigh, trying to ask who it was, shutting up when you placed your hand over his face.

“How do I know you’re not lying?”You asked, feeling the boys all staring at you. “Do you know where your birth certificate is?”He asked.You hummed, pushing Rafe off of you and standing up, jogging up the stairs and opening the door to your mothers room.

It hadnt been touched for only the gods know how long, the ceiling fan gathering bits of dust along with all the cabinets and the tv screen.You opened her file cabinet, finding your birth certificate and placing it in front of you.

 “Do you see the name of the father?”He asked, waiting for your response. “Yeah.”You replied.Matthew Islands. “Does it say Matthew Islands?”He asked.Fucking hell. “Yeah.”You answered. “Theres your proof.”He replied.You gulped, sitting down entirely. 

“No, you have no proof that that’s your real name.”You replied, just hoping that this wasnt true.You couldnt handle this on top of everything else. “Would a liscense and my birth certificate be enough proof?”He asked.You held your breath, wanting to hang up and block his number so you’d never have to think about him ever again.

 “Your uncle gave me your address.I could come over and bring all of my documents if you want.”He answered.Your heart dropped into your stomach, eyes going wide. “No, do not come to my house.If I want to meet you i’ll meet you at a public place.”You replied, not liking the idea of some old dude you had never met that claimed to be your dad coming to your home.

 “Alright, where would that be?”He asked.You jogged back downstairs, staring outside your window. “What-where are you right now?”You asked. “Im at a hotel near the country club.”He told you.You sighed, sitting down on the floor. 

“The turtle beach...five thirty.”You suggested, breath shaky as you waited. “Okay, i’ll bring everything.”He replied, waiting for you to hang up.You hung up quickly, putting your phone down with a huff. “Who was that?”Topper asked. 

“My father.”You replied, shocking them all.Kelce sat up straight, raising his eyebrows. “And you’re meeting him?”Kelce asked, wanting to make sure he was hearing you correctly and he hadnt lost his mind. “Well, not alone.You guys are coming with me.”You told them, figuring that they already knew. 

“If he’s a psychopath im gonna be pissed.”You grumbled, standing back up. “And apparently my uncle gave him my address so now he knows where I live so now he can just show up whenever and hes gonna bring his ID and his birth certificate and I guess he’s been in OBX this whole time so its possible that I already know him which is just fucking weird.This is so weird-I dont even want to meet him!Like who the hell calls the day that their ex lover dies to tell their kid that they’re actually around in the same place and have been this whole time and didnt even try to help raise me?God, I hate this!”You exclaimed, pacing around.

 “Well at least you’ll be safe if you’re meeting him in a public place!Plus, if you meet him and you just want to leave we can leave.And if you dont feel safe staying here you could always come over to my house.”Kelce reminded you.You nodded, sighing.

 “But think about it, why would he be gone all those years?What has he been doing with his life?And why wouldnt my mom want me to know about him?He probably is a psychopath and thats why im so fucked in the head.”You laughed, trying to calm your self. 

“And like, I feel like something is just wrong, you know?I dont even know what it just doesnt feel right.Like mom was never here anyways but with her being like….gone gone it just feels like im being watched.Its gross.”You ranted, pulling at your fingers.

 “So why dont you just leave?You dont have to stay here everyday, we can just start hanging out at Rafe’s and eating all of his food.”Topper grinned.You shrugged, walking into your kitchen and walking around in a loop before coming back.

 “I feel like I cant leave.I dont know why.”You explained. “How about we just ditch your dad and have a sleepover at my house?We can go to the grocery store and play mario kart and we can watch Criminal Minds.”Rafe spoke softly, knowing his father couldnt yell at him if you were over.

 “Your dad doesnt like me.”You told him, looking for any excuse to stay home. “Are you kidding?You’re the most responsible, of course he likes you!Sarah likes you too!And you can come see the new lights I got for my room-do you wanna go to the thrift store and get some records for me to hang on my walls?”He asked, hoping you’d agree. 

“You could pick out a few less hideous shirts for me!I know you hate my pastel ones.”Kelce replied.With all of them trying to convince you the idea was becoming more appealing. “Okay...let me just pack a bag.”You muttered, going back upstairs and into your bedroom, grabbing a mint blue backpack and opening your drawers, grabbing some pajama shorts, a t shirt, some sweatpants, deodorant and a hairbrush.

Rafe came upstairs to grab the stuff that he had brought to your house, figuring he should do his laundry. “You okay?”He asked, watching as you zipped your bag.You nodded, taking in a deep breath. “Why does so much happen in my life?I feel like the universe is specifically after me.”You mumbled, feeling his strong arms around you, leaning against him. 

“I know how it feels, chip.It’ll take a little while but you’ll feel better eventually, just promise me you wont hurt yourself.”He whispered into your neck, kissing your jaw lightly.You shivered, your hands falling over his, letting out a soft sigh. 

“I know.”You replied, closing your eyes as he kissed up and down your neck lightly. “You can always come over, you know.You dont have to call or anything, doesnt even matter if im home or not.”He pressed a kiss to your cheek, grinning when you turned your head so he could kiss you properly, letting out a low sigh.

He stood for a while, his warm hands running up and down your body, humming to you.He didnt know what song he was humming but he was almost positive that it was from a disney movie. “Are you humming something from The Lion King?”you asked.He nodded, kissing your forehead.

 “Can you feel the love tonight, The peace the evening brings, The world for once in perfect harmony, With all its living things.”He sang softly, remembering what the song was.He remembered you singing it constantly, getting the song stuck in your head for weeks.

You grinned, biting your lip as he blushed, continuing to sing. “He's holding back, he's hiding, But what, I can't decide, Why won't he be the king I know he is?The king I see inside?”You sang quietly, turning so you could hide your face in his shirt, giggling.

He turned bright red, squeezing you for a few seconds before letting go. “Lets get going so that we can make Kelce wear a blouse.”He smiled, grabbing your bag for you.Topper was taking the movie out of your dvd player and putting it back in its case, grabbing the barnes and noble bag and throwning Rafe his raccoon.

 “I will drive.”Kelce announced, opening the door and leading the group out to Rafe’s truck, getting inside.You and Rafe decided to sit in the backseat while Topper sat up front, controlling the music.Rafe’s hand rested on your thigh, tapping his fingertips on your kneecap to the sound of the music.

You reached out, playing with his fingers, tapping them and watching them wiggle.He sighed, not understanding why you were so entertained. “Where am I going?Grocery store or thrift store?”Kelce asked, pulling out of your driveway. “Thrift store.”Topper replied quickly.

Kelce nodded, trying his best to drive smoothly and avoid any bumps.Rafe moved as close as he could to you so he could get his arm around your waist, his other arm across your thighs as he rested his head in the crook of your neck.

Usually he wouldnt be this touchy with you when the boys were right there.Your heart skipped a beat as he started to kiss your collarbone and the side of your neck, biting softly as the tip of his tongue swirled around your skin.

You just had to hope the others wouldnt notice.Kelce parked the truck as he pulled into the parking lot of the thrift store, the four of you hopping out.Topper stayed close to you as you guys walked around the store.Rafe was incredibly out of his element, not used to stores that werent cleaned head to toe with music playing from speakers.

Walmart was one thing for him to get used to but a thrift store was a whole other thing.You grabbed a large yellow shirt, looking through the t shirts before you heard Kelce let out an excited shout, rushing over to you with a purple dress.

 “Dinosaurs!Dinosaurs!Dinosaurs!Come one, please!You have to get this!”He exclaimed.You sighed, taking it from him. “Did you check the size?”You asked. “That’ll fit you fine, your body dysmorphia just needs to shut the fuck up.”Topper kissed your forehead, holding up the dress before looking back over to you.

 “This’ll be perfect with those black boots you have and the frilly socks!You know the ones im talking about, right?Like they look like they were made with a wedding dress.”He thought out loud.You nodded, not really agreeing but you didnt have the heart to tell him that.

Rafe came into the isle, a large leopard print jacket in his hand. “Kelceeeeee.”He smirked, holding it up.Kelce’s face dropped, shaking his head. “No.”He replied. “Please?”You asked, pouting ever so slightly.Kelce sighed.

 “I hate you.”He muttered, taking the jacket.You left the thrift store with a dinosaur dress, a fancy tea cup, a dog lamp, and a large hawaiian shirt.After spending forty minutes at looking at records you had convinced Rafe to hang up album covers too since you had found a few disney ones.

 “Why dont you take them then?”He suggested, not wanting to have Anna and Elsa on his wall. “No, you need them.”You replied.Kelce was pretty mad about the giant stack of yellow, leopard print, hawaiian shirts and striped tank tops.

 “You’re such a bully.”he grumbled as you placed a holographic hat on his head. “Yeah but you still love me, right?”You giggled.The grocery store wasnt any better, Topper deciding to sit in the cart while Rafe tossed bags of chips at his face. 

“Hey, dont do that.You could hit his head.”You told him.Topper grinned, reaching out and pulling you by the back of your shirt so he could hug you.You placed a kiss on his forehead, asking what kind of chips he wanted. 

“Can we get cantalope?”Kelce asked, already putting one in the cart.Rafe was stumbling around a little, taking in a deep breath. “Hey, you okay?”You asked, placing your hands on his shoulders to steady him.He nodded. 

“Yeah, yeah im fine.”He replied, just as confused as you.You didnt really believe him, gripping his jaw and staring into his eyes, noticing how they were dialated.

 “Can you sit down please?”You asked him, pushing on his shoulders slightly. “We’re in a store.”He muttered. “Rafe, its fine.Just sit please.”You repeated.He sat on the floor, not sure what you were doing.

You sat across from him, pretending to read cereal boxes as a group walked by. “How much did you take?”You asked him.He gulped, trying to think back. “Umm...I dont know.”He replied.

 “How much do you usually take?”You asked. “Like...one or two.”He answered.You nodded, taking in a deep breath. “What can happen if you take too much?Do you think you overdosed?”You asked, keeping your voice quiet.

He shook his head. “No...no...I took like...six lines a few weeks ago.”He replied, realising how bad it sounded. “Okay...okay so what do we do?Should you drink water or-or-ummm okay.Can you see and hear?”You asked, not knowing what to do.He nodded, gulping. 

“I feel fine, like im fine.But it’s just weird.I dunno.Just dont worry about it.”He muttered, slowly standing back up.You tried to hurry the rest of the shopping trip, making them go through self checkout so it wouldnt take so long.

You grabbed a cold mountain dew for Rafe, tugging him by his arm over to the truck as fast as you could, making him chug the drink.He let out a loud burp, laughing right after. “See?Im fine.”He grinned, trying to convince you more than himself. 

“Why’d you get high in the first place?”You asked.He shrugged, going to hug you when you pushed him away. “Rafe, im serious.”You tried your best to sound assertive, worried that you might sound like his father. 

“I know.......I just went too long without anything.”He lied.You knew he was lying but you didnt say anything else, reaching for his hand to let him know that you werent mad at him.

He rested his head against your shoulder, his other arm resting on your leg, taking in deep breaths. “im sorry, princess.Im so sorry.”He whispered.You simply kissed the top of his head.

 “I know you are, Rafe.But you gotta be better, you guys are all I have and we already almost lost Topper, we cant lose you too.”You told him.He nodded, feeling the truck move a bit as Topper and Kelce got in.

Rain started to fall, the light in the car slightly blue as Rafe’s eyes slowly closed, falling asleep against your shoulder.Topper played a sad song on low volume, liking the vibe that he had created.

Kelce seemed to have forgot where he was going, pulling into a cumberland farms parking lot, sighing.All of you just sat for a moment, breathing and listening to the music.

Kelce took in a deep breath before backing out again, humming along to the song before pulling up at Rafe’s house.You rubbed Rafe’s back to wake him up, kissing his forehead lightly.

There were only a few bags, Kelce grabbing them all before heading over to the door, all of you guys getting inside and taking off your shoes. “Rafe-where have you-”Ward started, looking over to see you, Topper and Kelce before closing his mouth. 

“I see you brought friends.”Was all he had to say, rolling up his sleeves to his elbows to show off a watch.Rafe nodded, gripping your hand. “You have to babysit Wheezie tonight.No funny buisiness.”He said strictly, dissapearing.

Rafe glared at the wall. “Fucking idiot.”He grumbled, heading upstairs.You took a deep breath, following him with Topper and Kelce close behind you and into his room.Kelce placed the bags down, sitting on the floor.

 “Lets just wait for Ward to leave, then we can go into the living room.”Rafe muttered, taking the record covers and sliding the records out, letting you use the double sided tape to stick them to his wall.

His walls were a light gray that matched his carpet, his sheets white and his comforter blue.He had a few pictures of you and the boys on his nightstand, his hamper in the corner and a tv on his wall.

You could understand why he’d want to make it less bland, sticking the record covers along the wall, trying to make them in a rainbow order.It mustve been 5:30 since your phone wouldnt stop going off but you couldnt care less, turning off your ringer.

Once you heard the front door slam loudly and Ward’s car start up a smile came across your face.Once you hung the last record Rafe had thrown you over his shoulder, tossing you onto the couch.

 “RAFE!”Wheezie shouted, coming out of her room and storming downstairs, freezing up when she saw the four of you. “Yeah?”Rafe asked.She frowned, turning around and going back upstairs.

Kelce had pulled you into his lap, watching as Rafe flicked through the cameras, stopping on Nickelodeon.You had no idea why you guys had even gone grocery shopping since Rafe was planning on ordering pizza anyways, texting Wheezie to ask what she wanted.

Zoey 101 was playing, Kelce laughing for some reason. “Hey, you should do a little fashion show for us.”Topper grinned, remembering all the clothes.Kelce groaned, getting up and going upstairs.

You went upstairs as well, explaining that you had to show him how the outfits were supposed to go.He was laughing as you told him to put on the rainbow sweater with the leopard print jacket on top of it. 

“This looks terrible!”He exclaimed, telling you you could turn around now. “Its not that bad!”You laughed, moving forward to fix the collar of the sweater.He took in a shallow breath, not used to you standing so close.

He didnt even think about it, leaning forward and kissing you lightly.You were surprised, not really knowing how to react.You held onto the sweater collar tightly, pulling away. 

“Um....you still need to put on the hat.”You muttered, grabbing the holographic hat and placing it on top of his head.He cleared his throat, turning and looking in the mirror with a frown on his face.

 “Come on, dont be like that.Its not gonna look good if you’re grumpy.”You told him.He sighed, following you downstairs.Topper was recording, zooming in on Kelce’s grumpy face. “It looks great!Now give us a spin.”He grinned, watching as Kelce put out his arms and spun around. 

“I know, I look fantastic.”Kelce replied, putting his hands in the pockets of the jacket.He sat down on the couch, ignoring the squeak of the jacket material against the couch, holding a pillow to his chest with a grin as he watched the tv.You sat back down, pushing the hat off of his head.

 “Asshole.”He grinned at you, putting the hat on your head instead.The sound of the doorbell ringing caused you all to jump, not expecting the pizza to come that fast.Rafe answered the door, putting the pizza down in the kitchen and shouting for Wheezie, grabbing plates from the cabinet.

You had a slice and some fries, sitting down on the living room carpet.You werent even sure when you had fallen asleep, a blanket thrown over you and  Friends playing on the TV.

The boys were still awake, watching the tv. “Morning.”Topper grinned when he confused you, shaking his head. “Its not actually morning.”He chuckled, ruffling your hair.

You grumbled something, reaching for your phone and seeing ten missed calls and eighteen messages from your ‘dad’.You blocked his number, not wanting to deal with him anymore.

Thats when you got an idea, heading to the bathroom and locking the door, sitting down and beginning to type.It was to your mothers cellphone, not caring if your uncle saw it or not.

Dear Mom, 

I dont remember much about the last time I saw you.I dont even think you told me that you loved me.Your room is still the same as it was eight months ago.My friends were always here for me when you shouldve been.Kelce told me that writing a goodbye letter to something that hurt you is the best way to cope.So here I am.I feel like you’re haunting the house, it feels kind of bitter and I constantly feel like you’re still judging me.And now that you’re gone im not even sure how to feel about you.I dont even know if you thought about me during your last moments but im sure if you did it was out of anger and disgust.Thats all you really had for me.This is me officially saying goodbye, I hope you had fun in Italy.

You didnt even bother to reread the message, sending it out and turning off your phone, leaving the bathroom. “Hey, im just gonna crash in your room.”You told Rafe, seeing him nod in the dark.

You dragged your feet as you went upstairs, getting under his covers and resting your head against his pillow.You were half asleep when Rafe got into bed next to you, his arm moving around your waist.

You were confused when you felt someone else lay down, opening your eyes. “Its just me.”Kelce muttered.You hummed, resting your head on his chest. “Topper took up the whole couch.”He explained, kissing your forehead lightly.

You kept rolling over throughout the night, unable to get comfy until Rafe pulled you on top of him.You grumbled, sitting up, realising you were straddling him. “You okay?”He asked, still half asleep.You hummed, laying down on top of him, one of your arms hanging off the bed. “I love you.”He mumbled. “love you too.”You muttered, falling asleep only seconds later.

THERES ONLY A CHAPTER LEFT IM GONNA CRY

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[roguestarsailor]

i need help understanding mor and the dynamic between cassian and azriel.

TLDR; i dont get why this dynamic is so important! for mor, its two issues here and they aren’t connected. mor can reject az and keep her true sexuality a secret so why is she so insistent on being shitty to az? azriel getting rejected isn’t going to break his entire heart forever; az is a big boy he will be ok. god i hate this dynamic so much.

ok so this girl doesn’t have the courage to tell azriel that she doesn’t like him that way (or ever).

but its been 500 years of pining; like ?? i think he knows his heart has been broken?? hes a spy master; his entire profession is him seeking secrets and i would even assume knowing how to read people and such. i feel like after 500 years, he can pretty much confirm shes not interested in him. and then using cassian whenever theyre together should also signify something? are we banking on azriel to be a Head Empty dumbo man who doesn’t have an ounce of self awareness and emotional intelligence here?? mor constantly flirts w cassian as a joke. mor needing cassian to be a buffer sounds like she just wants him as the third wheel but nothing else and thats really shitty thing to do. how can she think she can keep it up?? how can she also assume cassian won’t try to find love?? she doesn’t love az why stop him from finding love???

she straight up only likes females no? she’s already sleeping with other people. thats a known fact. azriel has also slept w other people. they dont sleep together but they do just hang out--like buddies?? they go to ritas, they hang out in the houses at valeris, they do night court jobs together-ish but thats it? that sounds like what friends do. so if she rejects azriel, the worst that seems to happen is that they won’t hang out like they used to.

i flipped through ACOWAR to make sure im not missing anything and this is part of what she says:

“I’m not sure I can give my entire heart to him in that way. And...and I love him enough to want him to find someone who can truly love him like he deserves. And I love myself....I love myself enough to not want to settle until I find that person, too” (ACOWAR, 592)

“I should tell him. I need to tell him. Mother above, after last night, I should. But...It’s gone on for so long. So long. I’m petrified to face him--to tell him he’s spent five hundred years of pining for someone and something that won’t ever exist. The potential fallout...I like things the way they are.”  (ACOWAR, 593)

she says this shit!! two contradictory paragraphs!!! how are you gonna be like let az find love/i want to find love and then backtrack and be like wait i like this dynamic??? what??????? in between those two line she says this:

“It’s stupid, I know. It’s so stupid and cruel that I do this, but...I slept with Helion just to remind Azriel...Gods, I can’t even say it. It sounds even worse saying it.”

“To remind him that you’re not interested.” (ACOWAR, 593)

what is this?? literally what the fuck?? this line right here makes mor sound like such a dick. this is literally cruel; she knows hes got intense feelings for her but she does this still?? is this some kind of power trip she likes???

yes it can be heart breaking to lose a friend but at the same time stringing them along and being so elusive is worse is it not?? yes it will probably hurt az a lot especially if his feelings are super intense but i think they as characters are capable of going past this. it might not be like before, but they will still be supportive of one another.

but also consider this: what would be the consequence of rejecting azriel? will he go on a rampage? will he shut out the IC forever? will he abandon them? is there a darkness to him that makes mor afraid to speak her actual feelings? cuz i feel like at worst it would be a few awkward moments here and there but ultimately it would just be over with and they will be friends again. does she really believe that az would continue to be a hopeless puppy following her around in the hope of her loving him forever or does she think he’ll reject love forever if she rejects him? she hasn’t given him actual romantic love back so he might not be missing much. and even her words about fucken helion just to remind az she’s not interested is treating him shity enough (which also leads me to why does he love mor? did he know her before rhys brought her to the illyrian camp all those years ago when she and cassian did it?) i know she wants to keep liking females a secret, but rejecting az won’t make people automatically assume she isn’t straight.

i can’t help but think literally all of mor’s reasoning for not telling az and keeping the dynamic going is garbage. the stakes aren’t that high! shes being a bad friend and stifling both cassian and azriel! idk how az’s heart isn’t already breaking?? im really mad SJM is trying to play this up as a big thing and making this dynamic seem so important to these characters but for mor, its two issues here and they aren’t connected. mor can reject az and keep her true sexuality a secret. azriel getting rejected isn’t going to break his entire heart forever; az is a big boy he will be ok. god i hate this dynamic so much.

on another note thats vaguely related to the above post: i re-read the scene in ACOWAR where mor confesses her true sexuality to feyre and im thinking why can’t mor just be bi? i’m not super well versed about sexuality here so correct me if im wrong but making her sleep w other males just to throw off the idea that she likes females sounds.......wrong?? why does SJM frame taking males to bed as this tool mor needs to keep up the secret of her preferring females but at the same time saying mor still likes sleeping w males too. so does that not define bisexuality??? does mor being bi take away from the impact of her not liking azriel??? mor feels like a diversity token rather than genuine queer character imo.

also why does knowing she prefers females hurt her in anyway? does she think her father is gonna send out assassins to murder her lovers? whats the cost benefit analysis to that? mor already controls hewn city, has rhys + IC as backup. and going by the logic mor puts out, does it matter that she takes female lovers as long as she can can produce heirs/continue the bloodline (because thats what her shitty family prioritizes)?? i feel like she can do both tbh. i see that its the emotional component that mor values and i can understand trying to shield something precious to her since her family has hurt and ruined so much of her life. the only significance i can read from this is that SJM is trying to show representation of closeted folks in the form of mor which i guess is fine if you vibe with her in that way??

this is the part of the ACOTAR lore that throws me off: i feel like sexual fluidity would be the norm for faes. these folks live forever and they will only stick to being straight? hard to believe personally. mor mentions that in her family specifically she is considered a “prized mare” who is great for popping babies but a) fae babies are rare already so i dont think she can just pop babies unless thats part of her power b) they just need her to “breed�� so taking other lovers shouldnt be a problem either so long as mor’s family have babies to “continue the bloodline” c) is faithfulness an unspoken law? is polygamy frowned upon? these are immortal creatures why would they keep to one lover? babies are rare so from purely biological/survival stand point wouldnt faes have to have multiple lovers in order to reproduce???

[yellowbluemoonshine]

Why Shigaraki is a very deep character?

first , this character is made by tragedy. Yeah of course all of us saw a lot of victims too. But this one is different. Character who has no good memory, no one ever loved him, he never go to school. Probably , all he education is from kurogiri and afo. A kid who never go to school, he doesnt know ethics rules.

You can see a lot when you look at shigaraki, oh how you shouldnt raise a kid. He doesnt know how to take care about himself. He doesnt ray properly, he doesnt change his clothes , he probably doesnt brush his teetsh or take a bath. Because this is how he raised , how he used to be. He doesnt know how to take nourishment. Look at him, he is like a skeleton. His sky skin, he is really need a Medical treatment.

Afo or kurogiri gave everything except the most important this is love. Thats why shigaraki is a acting like a prince/ a kid who can get whatever he wants. Because of distortion, he is acting like he has everything but actually he has nothing. He cant bear that pain thats why he makes himself believe he has everything but actually he is not. Probably they never hugged him thats why his behaviours are similar to otistic people. He doesnt understand the difference between villains and heroes because he cant understand how much life is precious because he is a lost child. Basically he cant understand love. Because he never being loved.

He lived in streets so basically he is streets kids, he is someone who lost everything thats why you can see how he is normal even LoV is having a hard time. They were looking for a place to sleep, food but for shigaraki, it was normal because he is used to that kind of situtions.

Also he is really gratefull character, he is gratefull the things he had, he is a criminal but he is gratefull to afo and kurogiri cause he thinks they saved him. He really cares about them. Even though they just using him but he doesnt even know that and its really sad.

He has a trauma and to protect his mind, he forgot his past. Distortion is one of defence mechanism. He distorted (this chapter s name was "shigaraki tomura : distortion") the facts to protect himself. He has a unexplainable anger , its probably coming from feeling unfair. He had everything and he just lost everything,remember shigaraki s father s eyes . His eyes basically same as todoroki s mom s eyes before she burned his son. Big posibility his father blamed him and hit him with aeron. Look at shigaraki s wounds , someone definitely abused him and hurt him a lot

. Look at these hands, hands on neck are choking him. Big posibility someone choked shigaraki when he was a child. And why todoroki traumatized? Because of his father s abused? Or his mother s eyes? His mother s eyes broke his hearth and made todoroki traumatized, probably same thing happened shigaraki too, his father eyes broke shigaraki and thats why he is blaming himself .” İts my fault, i am death , i am monster. “He blamed himself thats why he keeps hurting himself when he was angry. He is basically having a panic attack, tantrum.

But at the same time, shigaraki know it isnt his fault. İts unfair . That unfair feelings made him that anger. He didnt deserves it thats why he is angry. He lost everything and world abandonded him when he need help, they could help him but they didnt. Thats why he hates everything , because shigaraki s hearth is so dead, he is just feeling so lonely so painfull that he wants to destroy everything because he needs something to vomit his anger. Cause he is in so much pain and dont know what to do.

Also he needs to forget his happy memory to do that because of he remember, he will also know "i will never be happy like that again" thats why distortion protects his mind.

Also because of that distortion, shigaraki is acting like a bad guy (to protect his distorted mind) even he wasnt . İ mean even when he wasnt angry, he doesnt show his good Side. Even when he was happy or gratefull, he says nothing or he became grumpy. Because he is supposed be bad guy, thats why he is always acting like that. He doesnt believe a lot things he said,. Thats why he is always rude and da age but actually inside if him , he is kindbut he doesnt show it, because its really hard to him he doesnt want to have relationship with someone because he believes he will never be happy basically he lost his hope.

(Even probably because of that, like he wearing black clothes bad guys wear black things LoL. And at the same time,his shoes are really like a child s shoes . İts really funny and cute.) Or when someone said bad things to him, except his anger, he is accepting. Dabi said "you are disgusting" when they first met, doctor said "you are worthless, you are nothing, you are trash" and shigaraki was like "i know..." He seems himself worthless.

Author said "fairy tale boy" for shigaraki. So basically he is like a protoganist of fairy tale. Like who loves every creature on the world, kind, lovely like deku (he even had a dog ), peacefull cheerful. Like cinderella. Probably shigaraki was like that before his tragedy he had. And its really interesting, it also showing how much it was painfull for him.

His man child part, afo and kurogiri stopped his mentality state thats why he is thinking like a child, he cant think like an adult. This is why his way of talking is simple and sometimes he thinks simple thats why people think he is simple character no everything he said, everything he did is so deep but its hard to notice cause he is even hiding it from himself. Also it was really cute to me and funny to watch.

He is really genius but he is a kid. And he loves playing games because probably he always having a time with games , not with Real people. Thats why he is talking is weird too , he is so simple like "i dont want that" or "hah?" He probably never talked with someone properly. İ mean of course he talked but i dont think it was a chat.

Also the way of afo and kurogiri raised him is basically different way of abusing a kid.they abused him psychologly (they basically brainwashed him, maybe even played his memories) but he doesnt even know that. From his perspective he cant. Look at how much he was in shock when afo came to him, he lost his hope, he didnt expect someone to came saving him thats why he cried a lot. Thats why he is so gratefull.

Maybe inside if shigaraki he knows somethings is wrong here too but he cant face it ,if he does, it will hurt too much. thats why he cant do this.

Also did you know about shigaraki s hands on his body. hands represent his inner pain. most people who suffer depression, neuroses and other mental problems have habbit to grasp their hand on arm (its a natural instinct to ease stress). The same reason when we hide our face in our hands when we are in pain. It symbolises his inner pain. Shiragaki is mentally unstable, he hates the world, and hates himself. These hands grasping all spots in his mind represent it.

İ wrote a lot but also, its not just that .there is also a lot of things in his character. But i am tired to writing,😪😪😪 as you can see his character is really deep , in Real life no one feels that much despair, i saw a lot of victims but no one was this despair. He is constantly in pain but a lot people dont understand (And its really frustrating) his pain, condition thats why they think he is basically classic victim who excuse his past but no, this character is tragedy s himself. All he got is pain but nothing else. He had no choice , all he doing is coming from his pain.

There are people who can be better person even they had tragic past but for shigaraki he cant because he doesnt even know how he can, he doesnt remember being loved or living someone, he knows nothing. No one ever teach him like that. So basically this character is made by tragedy , even there is tragedy,pain in his DNA, he was a kid who loves everything but he hates everything now, he waited for someone but no one came , they refused to help him .

İn shigaraki s mind he doesnt know what hero means or villain means. İn his life, all heroes are liars who destroyed his life, basically he doesnt believe true heroes exist. He doesnt understand life, love . A lot of things , he know is completely wrong and from his perspective, its really normal, he definitely isnt evil and not bad person, i really can understand why shigaraki is acting like that right now thats why i felt sorry for him and his childish behaviour, acting like a bad guy, or character who is so gratefull, its really cute .

İ mean he had terrible life but still he is gratefull he is hiding it but he is and its really cute. He is so precious. Shigaraki distorted his mind to protect himself thats why he is contradicting with himself. He is interesting cute gratefull kind and pittiful character .

His character is so deep , and i think i am interested in pain. Shigaraki is someone who should be saved ,he needs teraphy, hug and love and also hopefully he can have happy ending because he deserves it and he has a potential to being a good person.

There are also a lot of things, probably i missed a lot of important parts too but for now, thats it. Hopefully you got me ☺️ ah i am tired 🤯🤯

[tumblunni]

Hhhhh if i can raise $500 in a month i could design the new gym teacher character for a sequel to a nostalgic fave game of mine

Aaaaaaaaa

And i'm a little dissappointed that even though the first game literally awakened me to the whole concept of being genderqueer they still arent gonna have any actual genderqueer characters. That kinda sucks cos seriously that goddamn two sentence mention of different pronouns existing fuckin EXPLODED MY MIND and led me down a whole road of self discovery. A bit sad to know it was a big deal for me but maybe not for the writers. Oh well!

...so man i kinda wanna throw $500 bucks at them and be like PERHAPS..CONSIDER...A NONBINARY ANYONE. Like i dont even have an idea for a character yet lol! Only being able to pick the gym teacher is a bit specific so none of my past oc ideas would work. But can i just throw money at people to let them know that nonbinary people play their games and we're enough of a market to maybe add like one npc somewhere or something? Seriously just those two sentences were worth so much to someone struggling as a teen, can you imagine how many more young queer kids could feel that "oh god im not broken" moment if there were more characters like them? And i mean things have actually progressed a lot since the first game came out. We now have a lot more commonly accepted genderqueer pronouns! The first game was pretty ahead of its time for raising the subject but it talked about old 1970s scienceman pronouns and stuff. (Tho lol a part of me wishes the spivak set would become more popular just cos it was my first introduction to the topic)

I dunno man am i asking too much? Am i just projecting onto this game cos i played the first game during a dark time in my life? Ehh..

Anyway if i can't do HERE 500 DOLLA PLZ PUT ONE ENBY STUDENT IN THE BACKGROUND then i'd maybe do this gym teacher thing? I was thinking just.. A nice person. Some big bubbly happy teacher who doesnt have any form of grumpiness or avtually-kinda-manipulative-behind-a-false-facade. Just cos these poor kids deserve at least one teacher they can trust, lol! Also cos gym teachers are often the most stereotyped as grumpy bastards out of all teachers forever. Itd be nice to imagine an ideal world where gym lessons arent the worst part of every week and like.. Actually goddamn help kids stay healthy or enjoy sports, instead of being just a boiling pot of abusive army seargeant teacher and every bully getting free reign to smack you about. Just gimme a nice buff teacher whose muscles are strong for hugging and supporting everyone! Oh and maybe their character flaw could even be that they're too nice? Like sort of an ironic thing of the gym teacher being strong physically but emotionally a "wimp". They're sort of seen as dumb muscle and not taken seriously by the kids, but half of the time their funny "naive" moments are just them being too trusting of everybody. Its easy to spin some sob story and ditch class! I think that'd line up well with how gym class goes in the first game, wher eyou never see the teacher and it seems that the bully kids are making all the decisions about the lessons. Like i could see the gym teacher caving in to stuff like "we dont wanna excercise at all we're just gonna use magic to move the ball" if they were kind of a doormat. And maybe could even have a plotline where its like.. Dark consequences from this? Like you're getting bullied and the gym teacher basically becomes your enemy despite being good natured, cos they keep falling for the bully's side of things and not believing you. Or tehy try and be all "lets look at both sides of this" when there really isnt a second side, or their way of dealing with conflict in general is to completely ignore it with some overly optimistic and utterly flawed sort of "just talk about your feeeelings" hippy crap. And in the end you could call them out on how their attempts to "be nice" are shortsighted and hurting people worse than intentional cruelty ever could. And really they're not even a "nice person" but just someone terrified of conflict, who's willing to sacrifice their morals whenever anything gets too difficult. It could potentially be a really good plotline cos the player might get to trust this teacher and like their goofy comic relief personality and then they betray you when you need it the most. And its even more crushing because its not them being an intentional fucko like the other jerk characters, its just them deciding you arent important enough to take the risk of standing up for you. And maybe it could indeed have a good ending of this teacher atoning for their shittiness, but that'd also mean they decide they really arent prepared for being a teacher and shouldnt be in this position of authority over children. So they resign and that leads to the situation in the first game where gym class is just the kids being left alone to fuck around with a bag of basketballs for two hours. Alas! (But yknow if the writers liked the character and wanted to bring them back in later games i wouldbt exactly object to that, lol!)

Tho probably i wouldnt make this character nonbinary cos honestly people get Really Weird about gender when it involves sports and bodybuilding and stuff. Its already hard enough to get people to accept a buff or tomboyish female character so i bet no matter how androgynous i draw a gym teacher everyone's still gonna assume male. I mean i still get fuckin bummed out whenever i watch lets plays of Undertale and see people calling Undyne male for houuuurs after the game constantly and repeatedly tells you she's a woman. >_> So yeh if i wanted to make a genderqueer oc it would probably be in less of a loaded plot role, yknow? But gym teacher is the only option currently available on kickstarter. Someone else nabbed Librarian in under an hour after it started! No fair! XD (im excited to see that libarian if the backer was THAT DEDICATED to getting the character, i bet theyre gonna be awesome!)

[toddykun]

toddy, what do you think of donald and scrooge relationship in this episode???

oh anon, you just asked THAT question to my overanalyzing ass lmao thank u so much, i will indulge in this without restrictions ggg

little summary of donald and scrooge’s relationship in the episode: #TeamUncleForTheWin2k18 in a—more literal sense than expected. this gonna  be a looooooooooooooooooooong post anon, so hold yourself. and take into account that this is my opinion and my interpretation so i could be right or wrong, we just dont know, so that :D

all those scrooge and donald’s bonding moments were wholesome and funny (i loved them with all my freaking heart is2g they having a better relationship is my fuel to keep living lmao) but there is still some things that are hanging on even after scrooge definition of family that is obviously about them so lets start

1. scrooge choosing donald immediately and ‘i was in the will?’ moment

after going awwww when scrooge excitedly goes around screaming game night and he immediately chooses donald and laughing my ass off because donald’s ‘i was in the will?’ line, all that got me thinking because i cant stop my overanalyzing ass lmao. why did scrooge choose donald and why was donald surprised to be in the will? the overcompetitive nature of scrooge answered the first one really fast, scrooge chose him, as always, because it benefits him for reasons, reinforced by the threat of them losing and removing him of the will, more than because he wanted them to bond over board games. this is actually not that weird for scrooge, he usually does this a lot, especially to donald. i actually have problems with this more because of the actual status of their relationship more than because scrooge did this, this will be explained with the next point so i will go with my second question.

why was donald surprised? there are two possible answers for this: 1. donald didnt ever really thought about the will matter, the theme is new to him so hes surprised 2. donald didn’t think scrooge cared enough for him to be in the will so hes surprised when he actually is. i will be expanding in the second one because donald could have thought various things from this: 

1. he could have thought that because of scrooge’s greedy nature, the possibility of him having a will was nonexisting, he wouldn’t want his fortune to be someone else’s even after death, even when real scrooge would consider that a waste, the possibility of anyone being in scrooge’s will is a big ‘wait what’ to him 2. his board is the one getting everything lmao theyre the ones handling all those business stuff and that whats matter to scrooge, so why would anyone else be in the will? 3. if someone from the family was meant to be scrooge’s heir, it wouldnt be him, it would be only della, the twin that scrooge favored the most. definitely not him, the twin that scrooge reprimanded and dismissed the most. him? in the will? wtf? scrooge couldn’t care enough about him to put him in the will. but he does and whoa, wait what i am???? donald didn’t think scrooge would care, and that makes sense, this scrooge is terrible at really showing donald he cares about him outside from fighting and using him as bait. so, donald is surprised.

the good thing is, i actually see this version of scrooge having everyone in his will: the twins, the triplets (especially louie, hes probably his principal heir at this point lmao), webby, mrs beakley, launchpad, matilda (if shes alive), his parents (who are kind of immortal now?) even gladstone, fethry or grandma duck (if shes alive). leaving them all a special thing that would help them in some way, something with meaning for every person. especially to the twins, who are like his children. another good thing, scrooge is starting to show donald that he cares, enough to put him in the will and i hope this progress in scrooge showing him that he cares about him more than he actually shows him.

bonus: scrooge running stairs down with donald was precious and funny. 10/10. not bad, scrooge was just so excited. so cute.

2. ‘that’s why he chose him’, charades and non-verbal communication, understanding donald, and acting nonsensical moment.

‘ooooh, thats why he picked donald’, dewey just confirmed my suspicions about scrooge’s motivation for choosing donald, it saddens me but i expected it. again, not because scrooge did this because of his competitive strike but because he hasnt show donald that he would choose him even if he couldnt get something out of it. i want more scrooge respecting donald for who he is more than for what he can get out of him. i need scrooge choosing donald because he is family too cuz almost all the time he only chooses him for benefits. like overall, scrooge probably plays favoritism with the twins over anyone else in the family, but with the twins themselves? he favors della over donald, in an over ridiculous open way, he is really not trying to hide it. like, he recriminates donald for not being like della in the ‘17 comics? how fucked up is that? i try not to use the comics’ standpoint of their relationship because it upsets me honestly, they glorified della too much and abused donald too much. maybe because theyre from scrooge’s view of point? hes always going around talking about how great della was but donald? the series at least says that donald is actually freaking good, strong, smart and sharp and deserves the fandom getting over the top for him. the comics well….u know. but the thing is, the comics actually explain why donald is so surprised every time scrooge shows him affection or why donald looks not surprised when scrooge just uses him as a decoy, like bruh :/

‘you spent thirty years guessing what donald was saying, you must get good enough at non-verbal communication’ donald and scrooge are, not-so-surprisingly, good at charades (della must be too, now that i think about it, if scrooge and donald are almost unstoppable then the twins are really hardcore about it), this comes from donald having a speech impediment, something that probably led him to use a lot of non-verbal communication in the past. kids with especially difficult speech impediments to deal with rely heavily on non-verbal communication, usually because they develop social anxiety, insecurities and are overall scared of not being understood and being punished for it, especially outside of their safe circle (bullying, indifference, little to none social circle). baby donald probably suffered from this (who am i kidding, he definitely suffered from it, hell, donald is the most suffering classical disney character honestly the old comics are not even subtle about him being mentally ill and disabled), these kids can even stop altogether talking even to the ppl they know can understand them. all this comes into play if we assume that scrooge hanged with the twins since they were kids. hortense or not, grandma duck or not, scrooge spent time with the twins like he spends it now with the triplets. donald is not the most confident person, since he was a kid, for a good reason, he probably didn’t talk a lot as a kid with ppl outside his safe circle, scrooge comes to play later into his life so hes probably an outsider at the start of their relationship. but adventure needs communication for teamwork and to keep kids safe out there you need to be able to understand them and they need to understand you. this left scrooge with only an option: learn to understand donald, no matter what method he uses. charades? scrooge understands. ASL? scrooge understands. unintelligible gibberish? SCROOGE UNDERSTANDS! wow, hello, lost confidence. 

that probably boosted donald’s confidence quite greatly. an outsider, uncle scrooge that is grumpy and kind of asocial, gave the effort to understand little scared and unintelligible donald that probably only his twin and parents until now could understand perfectly. if that didnt bust his confidence idk what could. points for scrooge for being a great uncle!

for all this, he hasn’t told donald he doesn’t understand him because he does understand him, almost perfectly (like the triplets should do, just saying), he isnt going to have an ‘i dont understad you’ moment…..yet i expect it doesn’t happen or else, im gonna cry, first the triplets who had lived with him all their life? and now scrooge who webby said has spent at least thirty years with him? fucking come on. if della comes back and she doesn’t understand his twin brother perfectly im gonna cry, fucking honestly. donald needs to confidently talk with his speech impediment, excitedly, happy, almost unintelligible but with the confidence that there are ppl out there that do understand him and love him. i expect scrooge and della to be those ppl (not counting the caballeros, uno, storkules, and other family members, who can maybe understand him but arent with him constantly to remind him to not let down his confidence in that matter).

also they fighting nonsensically is the best thing, because they do that a lot, they fight over the most ridiculous things and they act like that sometimes, just pure idiocy over the most unimportant matters is like their default mode is the best. they’re can be so ridiculously petty, i love them. 

3. ‘team uncle for the win!’, hug and retreat and lets just shook hands moment

THEY HUGGED!!!!SO!!!GOOD!!!!! wait no keep hugging what are you doing? show each other how much you care, you need it, you dummies, goddamit and now you’re shaking hands ok why not fucking god

well besides that, ‘team uncle for the win!’ was a beautiful, spontaneous and wholesome moment that i shouldnt overanalyze but i will anyways lmao i have the opinion that scrooge said that spontaneously but can be interpreted in a more literal sense to understand scrooge and donald’s actual status of their relationship. team uncle is literally for the win, it wouldnt exist if it didn’t fulfill that specific function, donald probably knows this team up is more a way for them to win, for scrooge to win. but when against all odds they are successful in jenga (lol) this triggers something in scrooge that genuinely burst him into an affection spring and makes him shout that, it was just a piece, they both know it but its almost the first time they have bonded in years and donald, who is particularly sensitive and reacts a lot to emotions, reacts as well with affection and excitement, and what happens when ppl sync up their emotions spontaneously like that? they are overflowed with it, they need to act on it, emotions are almost impossible to control, they’re unpredictable, quick and extremely powerful driving forces so what obviously happens? THEY HUG!!!! emotions made these two idiots hug, they havent hug in years!!! YEARS!!! and they hug again in years because they were overflowed with genuine affection!!! but like i say, emotions are quick and when they end, its like a slap of realization in the face, they go ‘omg i did that!’ and separate immediately, just to go and cordially shake hands? when emotions are involved, context usually flies out the window, they probably forgot ten years of separation in that instant, but when it ended all those years came back and made it kind of uncomfortable. so their ‘we’re doing this just to win’ attitude comes back.

but it was good! its a good start! i dont know if they showed each other this kind of spontaneous affection but without embarrassment, pre-della disappearing but it. is. GOOD. these two need as much fluff as the triplets and webby get. uncle-nephew/niece relationship is a big thing in the DuckTales universe, and for scrooge and donald to not have as much as the triplets get kills me inside. they need this the most, so i hope this season provides because it started well in that matter, i hope it progresses into unapologetic and genuine affection without embarrassing departings and weird shake hands. 

4. helping him get up moment

completely underrated and wholesome moment, like there are no downs at this moment, its too good, they helping him up? nice. scrooge looking at them mad while protectively holding onto his boy who i remind you is in the will and for consideration, he’s one of his heirs (the other one being definitely della and very probably the triplets)? so nice. beautiful, i love it. mindless fluff this was. 10/10.

5. using donald as a weapon and scrooge’s definition of family.

like theres a difference between fighting alongside scrooge and being used to fight by scrooge. and here we see it, that even when scrooge is technically using donald, they are actually fighting together, its different from when scrooge just forces donald to danger and fights and you know why? because donald is doing it willingly. he is enjoying himself fighting, donald has shown from time to time that he likes to fight. so when he fights willingly and scrooge joins him, he enjoys himself, he is happy. like, look at his face, donald is into it, this is a duck that likes adventure and fighting, this is different from the gladstone’s episode and the ‘17 comics, where scrooge just pushes donald into things without his consent or knowledge because what? he thinks donald wouldnt understand? that donald is going to say no to protect his family if necessary? goddamit scrooge, if you took the time to let donald trust you and explain things to him, he would do the things you ask him, he is smart and u know it. this is one of the things where i hc the twins to differ, adult della followed scrooge almost blindly into danger, pushed by her own ambition and thirst for adventure, while adult donald, careful donald who was probably in the navy and has seen things and adventure spirit has matured, did not. i dont think scrooge took that as good as he should. scrooge favored della for throwing herself at danger just like that, confidently and recklessly, but would frown at donald, who turned around and asked why, who said no, who said but, who said this doesnt worth losing ourselves, who was again, too careful. so, scrooge decides to push him around, to see if this could trigger something, instead of talking him into it, and we know how hard it can be for scrooge to talk things trough. i dont think scrooge had any malicious intent but he didnt choose the best way into that and well, when you force someone into something they dont want, it doesnt end well. scrooge needs to learn to talk things through. also, scrooge needs to apologize, donald already forgave him but just that its not going to fix ten years of separation and past issues. scrooge needs to put his weight into this relationship too. and this probably starts with scrooge’s definition of family:

“You drive each other crazier than anyone could and still care about each other more than anyone!”

we have seen this particular definition of their relationship play into the old comics a lot, and in some low level in the series. but the thing is and i have pointed it out several times for the whole post, scrooge is not exactly good at showing donald how much he cares about him in the series to the point that it surprises donald when scrooge does show that he cares about him, and it makes sense that donald is surprised by it, scrooge had openly displayed favoritism for della saying how incredible she was but for donald the only thing he has really openly displayed is dismissal, comparisons to his sister and that scrooge usually just uses him to his beneficial. scrooge needs to learn how to show his affection to the twin he has left effectively, we know he cares, but donald doesn’t and for good reason! scrooge, show him your love for real!

in conclusion, their relationship is improving! it still needs time and adjustment and for scrooge to meet donald halfway into the whole forgiving the past stuff. however, they love each other despite everything and i think thats what matters the most :D they can do it! these ducks dont back down! AND…

[xxx-mundiemudsnapper-xxx]

think im gonna be slowly losing my mind over the coming weeks and venting in my personal channels in discord isnt helping like it used to so im sorry but i gotta bitch here

ive been having burnout really bad lately. i dont want to play anything in my steam library which sucks because i just. i want to play scream fortress but i dont really have the mental energy anymore for actually playing tf2. i dont feel like opening any roblox games i like. i dont feel like reinstalling DE or PD2 on my other hard drive to play those.

theres nothing i want to watch on youtube. all the music ive been listening to is getting worn out. literally i dont know what to do or talk about to entertain myself. and now on top of that i cant go anywhere or do anything for eight weeks because my mom broke her hand. eight. fucking. weeks. where im now stuck in this fucking house for 24/7 and i have to constantly be at her beck and call more often than i already have to be.

i cant go out to practice driving with my dad. i JUST got my permit back like 2 weeks ago (original one was expired.) at least one of us has to be here all the time. and its going to be me. every. single. time.

im going to have to have the burden of EVERY FUCKING HOUSEHOLD thing now. im probably not gonna get helped by my dad bc hes literally constantly at work (not his fault, ik hes busy but it just blows im not gonna get help when i really need it.)

compounding w/this is that i moderate a relatively good sized discord and a handful of newer members are really annoying me (nobody following me if ur in there ofc but like Yeah) and im very glad we were able to get 2 more mods but i had to deal with something serious and it really strained me even though i was like. barely that involved with it.

plus we keep having random incidental shit happen when im the only moderator online. im incredibly incredibly grateful for the two newer mods who have been able to handle some more recent things while ive been desperately trying to have any semblance of an actual life but like. im not fucking joking when i say i shouldnt have to explain why school shootings and child soldiers arent funny or acceptable for an original character. god people like this piss me off so much esp when theyre like “sorry i cant tell whats inapprorpiate an whats not :(((((((((” when its pretty clear we dont allow stuff along those lines in our rules like. come on. dont joke about that shit. dont post borderline fetishy shit in a server with like 14 year olds in it.

oh and forget all that, i cant fucking enjoy time i have off after doing relatively large amounts of homework because: - everything opens sunday, is due next sunday - class discussion boards never have posts until like saturday/sunday night so im stuck with that hovering over my head all weekend bc nobody else fucking bothers to do the assignments until the last minute - one teacher posts her stuff and like makes 3 announcements about it on FRIDAY AFTERNOONS for whatever reason 

with that like i said i literally feel like i cant catch a break from schoolwork because im being harassed by it when i should be able to sit back and relax and not have to worry about it

im trying really hard not to just sit here and break down and cry but im really fucking sick of all of this. im not going to be able to get supplies or anything to make anything until mid december. i have almost no stuffing and the only kind i can reliably get online comes in really small bags.

all i want to do is go to like. joannes. target. maybe the mall or something. im going fucking insane in this house sitting here spiralling into depression really badly and any hope i had to stave that shit off just got thrown in the trash like my moms pajama pants she tripped on.

im fucking tired of it. im fucking tired of being under constant mounting pressure for no fucking reason. i already have my own diabetes bullshit to deal with, i DONT need more fucking stress on top of it but apparently im gods fucking laughing stock or whatever because each day feels like it just gets worse

[aquagenesis]

the problem im having is that in all these self-care tips and everything it’s like you need to make time for yourself.  like yeah okay.  but i’ve been unemployed for this entire pandemic BASICALLY and in retrospect i shouldnt have quit my job over covid concerns even though i  know i would not have been able to function working there.

now that i’m like ready and fine again and realizing in order to move my life forward from feeling trapped in my girlfriend’s parents house i need a job, i am unable to obtain one because i did not have my social security card and now because my license expired in may.  because of the pandemic i cannot simply walk into the dmv and get this going.  i cannot do that.  it is by appointment only.  i cannot strongarm the dmv people into dealing with me by taking a number and refusing to leave despite the wait times.  i cannot do that.  i have to wait.

i have had a job secured for when this whole process is finally over where i will be making a decent amount of money.  because i have this job which is causing me stress because this process has taken over a fucking month already it is making me feel increasingly hopeless because i do not have cell phone service due to nonpayment (it’s like at $347 or something at this point) so i cannot even efficiently keep in contact with the hiring manager.  i am forced to wait.  she cannot hold onto this open position forever just for me because other people deserve to be able to eat. i am forced to wait.

all the while i have not been able to tell anyone what is happening because of the overwhelming shame i hold for quitting my job in the first place.  i never should have quit.  i should have dealt with my ever-increasingly deteriorating mental health.  that’s the american way.  it would have been responsible.

for the past unknown amount of months, at least since the beginning of summer, i have not had anything else to do but waste away in a house that is not my own.  i do not have friends i can hang out with and unfortunately for me and everyone else i am an extrovert so i have been depleted of energy constantly.  but there is a pandemic.  i do not have a car because i sold it at the beginning of the pandemic.  i wouldn’t have been able to keep paying for it anyway, but maybe i wouldn’t have quit my job because of that.  i can only use my girlfriend’s car which i simply...i don’t know.  it’s not mine so i don’t feel like i should ever use it.  maybe that’s my fault.  maybe i should get over that.

i do not have anything to look forward to.  i have to wait.  i do not want to replay video games but i have not been able to buy anything new.  playing other people’s games makes me feel like a parasite.  i know they are my friends and so they let me borrow them.  the feeling does not go away.  maybe that’s my depression.  i don’t know anymore.  i don’t know if i’m actually going crazy or if i’m at the climax of my overarching character arc.  i don’t know if character arcs are real or if i’m just a child who compartmentalizes everything.

when i talk to people i’m aware my social skills have deteriorated tremendously and am forced to realize i have regressed back to the mental state i had when i was 14.  i’m experiencing PTSD symptoms.  there is nothing anyone can do for me.  i feel alone.  i know everyone does.  it does not bring me solidarity.  it brings me self-hatred.  why can’t i deal with anything.  why did i do this to myself.

if i had.  anything.  it would not be this bad.  but i do not have.  anything.  and so it is this bad.

[alphys-the-nerd]

Steven Universe Spoilers Ahead!!

btw sorry for not having read more dont know how to do that on mobile

welp went through the su tag and like always all the negative crap immediately makes me wanna rant and its early so i have no filter and am totally going to do so

anyway i keep seeing people either absolutely hate lapis and insulting her or acting like she could do nothing wrong and i just hate how everyone in this hecking fandom has the need to always go to the extremes in terms of opinions

in my opinion yes lapis does need to be accountable for her actions most everyone does (except for like babies and people who literally cant do anything else) but that doesnt mean shes the worst and horrible

like many people claim yes her mental trauma plays alot into her actions and as a person with mental illness i know that ive done stupid and selfish things before and without being told i never realize ive done it and with lapis i think it might be similar

both steven and peridot constantly seem to coddle her (which isnt hationg on either of them btw) for example peridot was "bending over backwards " for her. in other words since no one is ever blunt with her about what shes doing wrong she never notices that shes wrong . instead of giving her healthy coping methods and talking theough her problems with her everyones treating her like if they mention it everything will go wrong when i think that its something that needs to happen to fully create a healthy relationship between these characters

she is treated like glass instead of actually growing past her problems and until thats changed i dont think she will easily get better and i really jope the writers have talen stuff like this into account

anyways sorry for the tired rambling it might not even make sense lol i kust wanted to really point out how all the blame shouldnt always be on one character and that people really need to stop being so extreme either hating a character or thinking there perfect.

[dinoblip]

i found guardians of the galaxy vol 2 a bit shit

I saw it a little less than a week ago and I’m still disappointed.

I prefer to think of this post more of an “analysis” than a rant but itll probably be more the latter.

also these are all just opinions, if you liked it thats fine.

(spoilers ahead)

1. the writing

i mean i wasnt expecting it to be a masterpiece, hardly any sequels are, but the humour of the first film was 100% tied to the clever screen writing. 

and here it felt like the writer was hamfistedly trying SO GODDAMN HARD to be funny and it never really seemed to land except in 1 or 2 scenes (the groot button scene and the scene where groot is explaining why he doesnt like hats).

This might just be my dumb sense of humour here, i know plenty of people who did find it funny but so many lines just left me cold or rolling my eyes.

An example is this fruit gag and the set-up is okay. 

One of the first things nebula says in the film that she wants a piece of fruit which she is then denied because it isn’t ripe yet. This is fine, its humorous because of the casual tone of the question and the somewhat overly stern and ridiculous answer, the outright denial perhaps being because gamora doesnt want to be charitable to her sister at all. It works. 

Then it gets reestablished: theyre now fighting people and the fruit is on the ground in the fray and nebula is still a prisoner. Now she asks Drax for the fruit and Drax yells over his gun “no its still not ripe”. This doesnt work quite as well cause it doesnt make quite as much logical sense and its basically the same conversation as before. So its not funny here.

Then the pay-off doesnt work because its too hamfisted. There is a reveal that nebula has managed to escape and now has a gun in one hand and the fruit in the other. That alone would have been a good pay-off because theres a sense of misplaced priorities, maybe simply because she kept getting denied it she went out of her way to bring it with her. I chuckled at that.

But then the script makes her triumphantly take a bite out of it, spit it out dramatically as if its disgusting and then explain “it wasnt ripe”. And they film it as if thats the punchline. It was too hammy to be funny, it seemed like such a waste of an opportunity. 

Like they could have made it more understated like they could have stretched it out a little. Here’s an idea for what they could have done instead. Shes quite a proud character so her taking a bite in triumph fits her character fine but once she takes a bite, she smiles for a bit that sorta slowly turns into a bit of a grimace but continues chewing determinedly, her face a picture of disgust. that could be the end of the scene or it could continue by then having a ravager break the silence to ask if shes alright. she sorta manages to swallow it down but when she next talks her voice could be a bit claggy and constantly sounding like shes on the verge of coughing which would undermine her authority over the situation. 

This is one of the few times they attempt a recurring joke and it doesnt work at all (off the top of my head i cant even remember one other one and the first film had so many). Other examples of failed jokes include pretty much all lines said by Drax who only seems to laugh manically and insult Mantis and nothing else including one which doesnt even work within his character (this one: mantis is watching all the raider funeral fireworks and she says that theyre beautiful and drax is staring at her and says “yes, beautiful” pause “on the inside” ITS ESTABLISHED OVER AND OVER THAT HE IS LITERAL MINDED SO WHY IS HE SAYING THAT). And I would also say that alot of the jokes with Groot aren’t very good either and neither is his character in this film but dont worry I’m gonna justify that in a second. I plan on giving him an entire fucking section.

So not only did the jokes not work but even the normal conversations felt stilted. And so often it almost looked like the actors werent sure of how they were meant to say lines in a way that would sound natural. Peter Quill wasn’t sounding like Peter Quill all of a sudden, Gamora didnt feel like Gamora.

It made for a confusing experience. I kept having to question myself for not laughing at a joke or feeling emotionally invested in what was happening. i ended up asking myself alot “this is a guardians of the galaxy film, why arent i having fun?”

2. the story

I freaking loved where they went with the character development of yandu and nebula (she and gamora are my favs) but it made me realise how mindless the main story is. The only thing i found exciting about the main storyline was yandu’s backstory and then his redemption AND THEN THEY KILLED HIM. SO WHATEVER. NEVERMIND. Just so they could have a tearjerker ending.

anyway back on track, the main storyline, starlord’s was pretty standard and you could see the fact that starlord’s dad is evil from the beginning, mainly cause he’s shown to be too cool and flawless at first which is a big warning sign. It was more just boring than anything else. Though the cg for Ego rematerialising in really disgusting ways was amazing. But thats hardly a substitute really.

It’s just: chris pratt goes to find father -> turns out his dads a planet therefore chris pratt is Special™ -> oh no his dads bad what a shocker and he’s wanting galactic domination -> now they gotta fight and they do.

Everything else (which is alot by the way, there is so much “everything else”) is basically unrelated except yandu’s story but even then he has this mutiny happening on his ship for a bunch of the film which has nothing to do with most things. And then after a bloodbath he ends up flying his own ship again so none of that mattered and any consequences of killing an entire crew (that you would guess would be around for some reason like, i don’t know, maintaining the ship so it can fly places) simply do not exist. And then after that up til the Big Fight, yandu, yandu’s right-hand man (cant remember his name) and rocket scream into the camera for a while while they warp through apparently too many warp points or something. cause it seems like they had to fill up 3 minutes.

Meanwhile Chris Pratt and gamora have romantic tension or something while he tries to come onto her and stuff and she isn’t into it and then her development is her coming round to him? She doesnt have any other story except being attacked by nebula sometimes and not doing anything in the Big Fight for some reason????? She and nebula fall off a ledge which they cling to for most of the fight while mantis does her mind-fuckery til she gets knocked out and then the dudes take care of it.

Rocket’s character development is mainly yandu telling him not to push people away and that he knows what its like to be in rocket’s shoes yadda yadda. so that gives rocket some time to be angsty cause they need to fill there angst quota somewhere.

like i said i did like nebula’s character development and her backstory but it wasnt really relevant either. it did flesh her out as a character tho.

my main issue with the story was there was an emphasis on these character subplots which ususally I’m all for. But if there was a main plotline which actually tied it all together then it would have worked. It was all well themeatically of having all these characters choosing their families over their bloodties. But having all these subplots almost occur in a vaccum away from all the other subplots AND the main storyline, makes for a really slowww film. in which once a scene ends, more often than not, you have to ask yourself “and what was the point of that”.

And also once you start giving fleshed out character development for the sake of fleshed out character development and not for the overall plot, it makes the fact that some character’s weren’t given this treatment all the more apparent.

Like Drax, in the first film he was a very well developed character. But as i said earlier, literally all he does in GotG2 is laugh alot and tell mantis she’s ugly.

and then there’s groot’s character develop- HA NO

3. GROOT

there is no character development for groot because groot has no character.

groot has ceased to exist and a vacuous void has been been put in his place. that is the only explanation i can come up with for the way he is depicted: he died at the end of the last film, his consciousness vacated his body and then when he was being regrown, no consciousness was left to get put into it.

look

i really dont like being pandered to and here marvel was clearly pandering to anyone who thought little stick groot dancing at the end of the first film was adorable. and i did, obviously. who didnt? but when you try to replace character and motivation with cute, it wont work.

he is dancing and when he’s not dancing he’s misunderstanding information or being near useless in battles. All while he has that creepy vacant smile is on his face.

the camera freaking loves this idiot. to the point that the title sequence just has him dancing to mr blue sky while looking straight into the fucking camera, WHILE A WHOLE FIGHT IS HAPPENING AROUND HIM THAT I WOULD MUCH RATHER SEE.

for one thing, its an injustice to mr blue sky. that shits my jam.

for another thing, there is no music playing within the scene, its non-diegetic. so why’s he dancing?????

in the first film it makes sense cause not only cause the music matters to starlord but also cause it is happening in the scene, he’s listening to it on his headphones and it goes away when he takes them off. it also serves for conveying his character. and also the cinematography is great:the sweeping camera moves and visual gags really make you excited for the film to come.

Here, not only does it not make sense for him to be dancing as there’s no music, it also doesnt make sense for him to be dancing in the middle of a battle or dancing for a camera that he knows the presence off (this aint no 4th wall breaker or it shouldnt be). also the cinematography sucks cause hes too fucking small now so if you go for a wide shot you cant see the fucker. and also youd get distracted from his dancing because of all the action thats happening and WE CANT HAVE THAT. And the animation is good (i mean of course its good its fucking marvel) but they went so out of their way to kid-ify him that his arms and legs are really quite small compared to his head. Which would be fine, but with a dance-number, big arm and leg movements feel very small and don’t match the big music. I really felt a disconnect between what i was seeing and the music i was hearing. it didnt fit (while in the first film it so totally did).

the biggest issue i have with it is that it prioritises the wrong character. it prioritises groot when groot doesnt even have a semblence of a story. he does 2 things in the whole film: unlock a cage and carry a bomb for a little bit (because they realised that he wasnt doing anything so they threw him a bone).

then youve got the other characters getting introduced by telling him off for dancing. which is fair enough but it introduces them as sticks in the mud which is a weird way to introduce the main characters of a Fun Quirky Comedy film. 

like i watched this opening and not only got annoyed at how long it felt but i also genuinely thought “oh i guess this is a groot film”. 

I cannot even begin to explain how much could have gone wrong for me to think that.

I kinda hope the 3rd film (which you can bet your ass Marvel is making right now) is better or at least maybe not as rushed cause i did love the first film and it would be a shame for it to get chewed up in the haste to make make as much money off it as possible before it becomes irrelevant.

C’mon James Gunn. you’re better than this. Sometimes.

P.S. the gold people lol

[joannawillshrink]

shower thoughts

only this is a thought coming up while watching a Dr Who special called the end of the world part two. 

Which I think is a humorous title. End of the world, PART TWO. anyway

The Master character is the baddie and he has a drumming in his head, constantly, driving him crazy. The Doctor says he could help. And the Master replies in a misty voice, “I dont know what I’d be, without that noise.”

Made me immediately think about myself and current life, without my Mom. Like when people lose someone close to them, common advice or like, motivational talk is “go make them proud” and whatnot. And I’m thinking, I wonder if she can see me and see what I’ve become. So bored and depressed and stagnant, different. Because I really do feel very very different. I’m changed. And I dont like it. 

But I then went on to think about myself in a break up. How I want the other person to miss me. How I, in a twisted way, think its kindof flattering when someone is fucked up after losing me. Which is partially why I’m having a hard time knowing Jesse is fine and has moved on. Because I want to be mourned more. I want to have more visibly affected him. 

And I wonder if, and I’m not saying that my Mom is in any way twisted, or thinking maliciously... this is just my weird thought trail, 

But like, if I died and my family were really “fine” quite quickly afterwards, I feel like I’d be a bit bothered! Is that so immature of me? Like of course I’d want them to be functioning and get out there and do their thing, but not like... too soon! I guess everybody copes differently... I feel very out of touch with what other peoples’ lives are actually like. But just, I feel like my world is much more shattered than I was ready for. But is that my fault? For not “getting over it” faster? But Mom was everything, beyond words of worth or value, her love was like gravity. And it was August 9th, 2015 when it happened. Wow, I just had to look up the year. I guess its been longer than I thought? I dont know. I just feel like my processors are broken. 

Anyways. I feel like I have so much to unpack about this. “I dont know who I’d be without that noise.” Like, I am now a girl without her Mom. I am Joanna without my Mom. And I dont know who I am. I held on to what I thought was normal, with my relationship with Jesse. But now that ending obliterated the false bonds I had convinced myself were working. The phantom ties. 

Theyre gone, and I feel untethered. More purposeless than ever. 

When I didnt know who I was before, I leaned against trying to be a good daughter. That was a wall of my definition of self. But now that wall is gone, with her. I still want to be a good daughter, but showing up for her and having her love and friendship is gone. I know the tra-la-la “she’s always with you” but I mean, in real-time, its gone. 

And its like, a break up. If you get over it too easily, it kindof seems like it wasnt that big of a deal to you. 

But unconditional love is different, right?

I dont even think I know what unconditional love means. I dont think humans are that perfect. I dont think its genuinely possible to unconditionally love someone. 

I find it hard to believe that Jesse cared for me that way. I dont think he thinks of me, I think he nothings me. You know? When its like, I dont like you, but I dont dislike you. I nothing you. 

I wish I nothing’ed him. I dislike him right now. I dont want bad luck to befall him, but I wish I didnt have to witness his happiness. Because I’m jealous. I want to be happy. When I’m upset and other people are happy I feel like theyre bragging about it, rubbing it in my face. Especially when its a partner or friend, and especially especially when its an Ex. 

I used to fear talking to my mom on the phone because if I was sad and needed help or support, she was always more sad. Sadder. And needed MY help. Or if I was happy, and wanted to share it, I was afraid it would sound braggy or she’d feel lesser-than compared to what I had going on. Like, at the beginnings of things with Jesse, I’d mention a detail about kissing or holding hands or something, and she’d get weird about it and throw in some comment about “I wish your father still kissed me” or “goodness, I miss that”  or something. 

I worry thats rubbed off onto me. If I’m upset, like, deeply bothered, I dont want other people around me to be good at walking away. I want to be seen, and to effect others. If I’m crying I want someone else’s mood to change if they see me or hear my story. I want to be respected for enduring the things that are happening. I feel like when people hear a sad personal tale or listen to what youre feeling at the moment, and get up at the end and are fine and just walk away, its incredibly rude and unfeeling and gross. Offensive, even. Maybe thats playing too much of the victim. 

The lawyer in me immediately says “stop wasting your energy trying to get other people to be sad like you, to see you for how sad you are, and use that energy to do something about your own sadness” 

but if youre sad, and just put in the energy to make it go away, is that fixing it? or just ignoring it? 

is ignoring pain the secret to success? just, get on with it? never let it catch up to you?

I wonder if thats everyones suppressed secret. That they ARE in pain, but just running from it. 

I want to be heard and to share my story before I can move on from it. Its like airing out a ghost. Giving it its proper attention and respect so its existence is justified, giving it love, really. I want even the sad parts to be loved. 

So when someone just gets up and walks away unphased from a story I’m explaining, I dont feel love or connection or anything at all. It almost adds to the pain itself. Setting it further back down the hill with even more to climb to escape. 

I stay in bed a lot. I’m not sure how to air out being upset about my ex Jesse. I want to run my mouth about the shit he was in our relationship. I was lousy too, but different. Definitely no saint, but I understand the quiet spectrum in the motivation of cheaters. Not all cheaters. But I get why some do what they do. Because I seeked out attention from other men, men from my past, because I needed more, but didnt want to give up what could maybe be built with Jesse. I was scared to lose the potential of him. But he behaved so coldly, often cruelly emotionally to me, both in obvious but also very quiet subtle ways, that I needed to be around the energy of men who knew me before all that. Old friends who knew my sparkle. Because I needed to remember it, myself. I wished and wished and wished Jesse saw my sparkle, at the beginning of our relationship I thought he did. Which is why I decided to move to his city from my own, and really give it a try. 

But I felt like just another hobby in his life, another thing that needed his precious time. I felt juggled between work, his band, and his motorcycle. Literally, if I saw his eyes light up because he ordered another guitar pedal or motorcycle part, I knew it meant less time/money/enthusiasm for me or our time together. This literally happened, time and time again. 

And after losing the one person in my life who I knew I was their everything, 

I needed to be loved more. I needed to be loved more than a new amplifier. I needed to have someone look at me and get excited like they would when something new would arrive from Amazon. 

I needed to be appreciated for more than just when I was game to have sex. 

I needed to have my sparkle be seen and fanned. 

So I diminished, and I felt, after a while, that he didnt deserve me. That he didnt deserve my best. So when I traveled or was around old flames or friends who I knew understood me and made me feel great just being me, I gave THEM my best. Which, in black and white on paper, is cheating, and isnt cool. 

But my heart needed it. I shouldve broken up with Jesse so much sooner than I did. 

But now, we ARE broken up, and I’m super fucked up about it still. I’m glad we’re not together, but in a way like...  he treated me this way when we WERE together. Indifferent, not seeing how special I am. How great we could be. 

So its like... I guess he’s acting exactly the same. It hurt this much within the relationship, too... but when we were together at least I could yell at him about it. It felt good to yell at somebody for what hurts. His lack of attention still hurts, but now I have no right to get into a fight with him about it. 

Its all to be expected. His behavior. He left his wife to be with me. Someone of 8 fucking years. And he never talked about her really. So why should I be surprised that he doesnt talk about me, or miss me, or seem forlorn. He didnt seem forlorn for her. He was barely single. He wasnt single. He jumped right from her to me. And now he’s very shortly on to the next. I really shouldnt be surprised. 

It would be easier if he wasnt so entrenched in all the people I know. 

Theres always a risk of seeing him out. I wish I was more mature about this. But honestly I’d feel the same even if we were just friends from the start. Its like seeing someone you just simply dont like, regardless of context. If someones a jerk, you dont want them to be where you are. 

I may leave Austin. Its weird, being trapped by comfort. My house is pretty good. Like, the shape of the house itself is cute. Theres a porch. Theres a patio, and a coffee shop across the street. 

But I dont feel happy here. I have no idea where I’d go. But I’m sick of living in a pot house. EEEVery day its bowl bong weed pot cough cough sneeze laugh lame joke bong bong lame joke bad pun leaving dishes fucking everywhere hoarding objects and never using them leaving dirt and coats and shoes and opened mail and bullshit all over the place. 

I feel like I cant bitch because I dont have a job. I’m lazing around sleeping 80% of the day because... of what? Because of sadness, because I dont really want to go out there. I dont want to interact with my roommates who I find annoying. I dont want to take a walk around the neighborhood that I think its pretty boring. I dont want to go to bars and feel less than my past self. Fatter. Older. Uglier. I dont want to go feel my inadequacy proven right. Jesse treated me that way. I moved here five months after my Mom died. Brand new city. 

And I didnt get a job. I didnt do a whole lot of anything. And he hated me for it. He didnt understand and it leaked in. It absolutely showed. 

So now its February 2018. So many months have passed. And I’m still not doing anything. I just dont want to. I dont know where to get a job here, I dont want to commit my time to something that doesnt feel like anything. I want to exercise but it requires a 15 minute drive to get there. I want to cook but our kitchen is so fucking cluttered it drives me nuts. 

Am I too uptight? Like, is this coming off like I cant function unless somethings perfect? 

Im sure it sounds that way... I just... feel no spark. When my new roommate cleaned the bathroom and had music going and was doing the shit I normally do, I felt so pleased and relatable, it was marvelous. But then other two roommates come home and toss their coats all over and smoke weed and plop down watching stupid shows, and it just.. 

Should I try to be more of a leader? Force my way through it and burn my own trail? If theyre watching dumb shit, suggest something better? Take an active interest in life?

I definitely have been passive. I want other people to be interesting. I want to be intrigued by someone’s starting something. Somebody to already have the breadcrumbs laid down and I get to follow them and add to the adventure. I dont know if I have the energy to take the risk of being bold and leading the way, not knowing the caliber of people I’m talking to or bringing with me. Like, I want to spend energy being great around someone I already think is great. I miss having crushes. If I think someone is awesome, I feel like I then get to be super awesome too, in hopes that showing my favorite self, enjoying my own shine... that they’ll notice and enjoy it too. 

But like, why shine for boring people? I dont have any interest in that. I dont want to impress people that dont impress me. 

That sounds super bitchy but whatever. 

Anyways. I’m way off track. 

I just remembered that I need to call my Aunt Carol, who I think is mad at me, because she retired today and I’m overdue to call her. I really dont want to but it needs to be done. Calling a family member that you know is disappointed in you is NEVER fun. I feel the weight on my chest already. Okay, gonna call her. I’ll write again soon. 

[tumblunni]

Man, god, im just suddenly thinking about "ak/ur/oku" and like.. How the fuck did that even become such a huge thing in early 2000s fandom? Dear god so much early gay shipping in fandom was super unhealthy "sinful" bullshit made by straight people for fetishy purposes rather than genuine representation. But a/kurok/u was such a weird one because it was like.. Just globally accepted and never aknowledged to be problematic?? Man i still remember how lil 13 year old me didnt know there was anything wrong with it, like seriously when stuff like this becomes popularized it ends up sending bad messages to actual queer youth. Learning about your sexuality via the internet cos there's no sex ed irl for you, abd you end up stumbling into toxic fandoms before you have the critical thinking skills necessary to know that this stuff is bad and shouldnt be imitated. Like seriously one of the things i worry about EVERY NIGHT AT 2AM THAT KEEPS ME FROM SLEEPING is that stupid lil 15 year old me made a post on deviantart going like "are pedophiles really all bad? I mean it sounds like an illness. I mean maybe theyre just scared and they want help." Like im terrified constantly that someone will find that old thing and judge me as if i still believe that apologist crap, or as if it was actually an opinion i formed from a fully developed mind, rather than from a kid who (as far as i knew) had never met a pedophile, thinking about pedophiles in the abstract, while being influenced by fuckin pedophile-dominated fandoms and having NO IDEA. and of cooooourse i wanted to believe that i was mature for my age, i thought that was a compliment.. Uuuuugh...

Sorry, going a little offtopic there.

But anyway isnt it kinda weird how akur/oku was just.. Not even regarded as pedophilia? And when i was a kid it wasnt just me not understanding the gross parts of the fandom, i legit never thought axel was that much older than roxas. And it was one of the more popular gay ships cos at that point as far as we knew it was the only person axel had any sort of backstory with, and he cared so much about this guy that he was willing to sacrifice his life to help sora even when he knew roxas would never come back. At the time without further context it seemed like a reasonable assumption to make? And it wasnt until Days that i realized axel was intended to be an adult rather than a teenager, and even worse A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO MADE THAT SHIPPING ART KNEW THAT. Uuugh it was so gross in retrospect to go back and see all the clues i missed that these people were fetishizing roxas's inexperience and veey much writing him as underage. AAAAAAA!

Anyway im glad that shit is now recognized as shit and now we have canon evidence of this dude being old as balls. And honestly i love the relationship of him as a big brother/dad to roxas and xion a lot more, even though as a kid i was desperate for any kind of queer representation in kh. Like.. I never really actually liked the ship that much or felt any chemistry? I just latched onto a few bad writing flubs that could potentially be interpreted as Gay Evidence because i was SO damn desperate! Like i felt like i had to support all these gross abusive ships in fandom cos if i wasnt then i was being 'homophobic', i mean they were THE ONLY AVAILABLE OPTIONS, right? :( Its only now ive grown up i can see how wrong that was, and how people just used it as an excuse to make gross shit and get away with it. Like how in Black Butler all these 'yaoi fangirls' kept erasing the rarest of rare things, a canon trans woman, because 'its sexier if its gay'. Ughhhh. And seriously that discourse still exists for poor Grell, and there's still a lot of these shitty bigoted people pretending to be allies, but like seriously this was EVERYWHERE in 2005! And lgbt rights and even lgbt communities at all were way smaller and less available to the poor teenagers who really needed that positive influence while they were figuring out who they are. So man the abusive side of yaoi fandom was WAY more powerful, and wya more.mainstream, with barely any criticism. And the whole content of this fandom was creepy fuckin adults making pedo porn, and kids who just discovered they were queer and tried to headcanon their favourote characters as being like them. Fucking predator heaven! So yeh that ruined KH for me and definately made me scared of returning to Black Butler for almost a decade. And then i found out that the manga itself has none of that pedo shit and that one of the fandom's biggest abusive gay man archetypes was actually a trans woman this entire time, and just gahhhhh....

Also like seriously this is a tad offtopic but can we kill the anime trope of either everyone looking young or everyone looking old? Or creepy things where just one character looks the wrong age in order to fetishize pedophilia? I dont think kingdom hearts was one of those intentional ones, like i mean there's super bad shit where its like 'this 5 year old looking person is really 9000 years old/actually 18 and just hasnt had their growth spurt yet' (somehow its even more insulting when theres not even a magical excuse) Or the other way around and we have a character thats canonically underage but drawn looking sexually mature with big ol knockers so its somehow okay. The existence of those horrible things is why i end up feeling uncomfortable even seeing ambiguous ages as just a trope in completely innocent anime, yknow? Like in pokemon and digimon all the 10 year old protagonists are exactly the same height as all the adults, and all the female love interests for ash have to be early bloomers in terms of chest and hips, while notably Iris is the only one who actually looks her age and also the first non love interest. Its another reason why i prefer the new art style for the latest season, they make everyone look like kids and Lillie continues to look like a kid even though she's the main girl and has all the cute scenes with Ash. The girls even got very normal looking kiddy swimsuits in the beach episode! Why is that so uncommon, to find the bare minimum thing of underage kids not being sexualized at the beach??

Soooooo yeah, thats at least part of why kid me thought axel and roxas were within a similar age range. Like i thought roxas was maybe 16 and axel was 18?? Somehow?? I dont even know, kingdom hearts isnt even SUPER bad with the 'kids look like older teens,all adults look like age 20 at the most' anime syndrome. Its probably more because id been raised on games and anime that followed that trope, before i played kh. And as a kid you just dont really know the exact differences between 'old', like i mean i knew teenagers were tall and boys get a growth spurt, so somehow it made sense to me that axel could be the same age as roxas?? And man even if i knew he wasnt, i was barely educated at all about pedophilia and i didnt know the nuances of it. I just knew 'its bad for adults to marry kids' like man i was really behind the curve in general learning due to my undiagnosed autism and abusive parenting so like HERE'S 12 YEAR OLD ME NOT EVEN THINKING ABOUT THE SEX ASPECT. And i didnt know that adults in relationships with teenagers was bad too, or like 16/17 year old teens dating kids... I was so fuckin dumb... I really cant believe that not only did i believe stupid adults saying 'pedophilia isnt bad if you're non offending, its okay to make cartoon child porn as long as you dont physically abuse real kids' but also i somehow just DID NOT EVER REALIZE that axel was an adult and roxas wasnt even a goddamn older teen...

So yeh im making a lot of excuses for why my stupid younger self was blindly parroting bullshit, but im not trying to excuse how goddamn wrong and bad it was. I still wake up ashamed in the middle of the night for crapoy decisions i made as a dumb kid, and in terrified that some shreds of it might still exist out there on the internet and maybe someone else could read it?! Gahhhh! Seriously could i have accidentally helped spread that bullshit brainwashing to other kids? And seriously when people say this shit is harmless they just need to look at this, look at how being into problematic yaoi is such a common 'phase' for ACTUAL CHILDREN. Like its not fuckin NATURAL for kids to fall into this stuff, they do it because they dont know any better but the people making the goddamn founding blocks of the fandom are fuckin grown women fetishizing gay men or grown men fetishing lesbians. There's people who do know better who actually conciously decide that a/kurok/u is a good ship while knowing all the goddamn details of what it actually is and exactly what theyre supporting by shipping it. Ughhhhh!

So yeh fuckin Please Stay Safe In Fandom, Kids

And pedophiles have absolutely none of my sympathy, please ignore that goddamn shit i wrote as a little kid being fuckin groomed by a fandom without even knowing it.

This also applies a lot to the rest of LGBT+ aside from just gay shipping, like seriously it took me til age 18 to find any positive representation of trans people or even a proper explanation of what being trans is, yet before i was even 8 years old i'd seen a million 'lol gross man in a dress who gets sexual gratification from wearing women's underwear' jokes in kids shows. And when i was 12 i'd already been exposed to the fuckin hell of m/pre/g thanks to its prevelance of untagged n/sf/w shit in the kh fandom. And by age 15 i'd been exposed to pedophile apologists arguing whether child porn was okay if they only got off to that and didnt personally abuse that kid with their own hands. All of that shit but actually learning about homosexuality and gender in sex ed would have been 'too much' for someone my age...

God what a fuckin mess. Fuck im really really fuckin worried that any of my ignorant comments at those ages could have been read by other ignorant kids and contributed to that disgusting fandom atmosphere. Fuck i think about this so damn often im so damn ashamed of how ignorant i used to be yet i know the adult fuckfaces making pedo shit never reel one lick of shame any damn day of their life. I used to excuse their shit as an actual kid cos i just ASSUMED they would be ashamed and want to seek help! Gahhhh..