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averyonelovesjack · 4 years ago

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learning to raise a baby ~ daniel seavey

requested: yes:)

Can you please do an cute imagine about y/n and Daniel having a baby together and taking care of the baby and figuring the parenting stuff out together. Ur amazing

summary: follow a few different events in the life of daniel and y/n learning to raise a baby.

warning(s): baby, literally too lazy to edit this i’ll come back later lmao

word count: 2608

author’s note: i have such baby fever omg

disclaimer: i def need to clarify that i am 18 years old and do not have a baby and i have no close friends with babies (in person, at least) therefore this is purely fiction. i watch a LOT (i mean A LOT) of family vloggers and like teen mom accounts raising their kids, so basically all of my knowledge comes from that. i hope no one takes offence to my depiction of it, but my intention is purely just to write this cute fic idea, and i don’t want to pretend like i know anything about parenting or raising a child or anything like that!! okay that’s all!!

I could barely see my feet as I painfully took in another breath of air and started walking forward. Awoken at 3am with terrible back pain and a pool of amniotic fluid at my waist, Daniel and I now rushed to grab our hospital bag and make our way to the labor and delivery section of our nearest hospital.

everything went so fast. before i was actively having a child, it felt like my pregnancy would never end, but now that it’s actually happening and i’m having a child, it felt like pregnancy flew by.

just a few days ago, i was sitting on the countertop in my bathroom, impatiently waiting to see if i was pregnant or not in hopes that daniel wouldn’t get home from the studio early and find me. i had just given daniel the surprise of his lifetime when i woke him up at four am to tell him i was pregnant because i just couldn’t keep it from him anymore to do a fun reveal. i remember how we both cried, too excited to even go back to sleep.

just a few days ago, daniel and i were sitting in my obstetrician’s office as we got to hear our eight week old fetus’ heartbeat for the first time. we both cried. it feels like just a day or two ago we cut into a pink colored cake and found out that our precious baby girl would be coming. all of the breakdowns about what stroller to buy and which crib matches the nursey best felt like just moments ago. and now, all of a sudden, i’m ten hours into labor and i’m ready to push.

pushing was painful, but the thought of holding a sweet babygirl soon just kept me going. daniel squeezed my hand tight, standing by the end of the bed watching our beautiful daughter make her way into the world.

i gave the final push and soon i heard a cry that made everything in the whole world worth it. they say you never truly understand love until you’ve had a child, and as soon as i held our daughter, i felt an overwhelming sense of truth in that statement. i never knew such a distinct moment could be the greatest day of my life, but as soon as i laid my eyes on her, i knew that i would never get a day greater than this one.

our daughter laid on my chest for a while as daniel sat by my head, holding both my hand and hers. eventually, the nurses cleaned her off a bit and wrapped her tightly in a swaddle for daniel to finally hold his daughter. i watched the tears fall from his bluer than ever eyes that never left her little face. by the way she settled in his arms and fell asleep, i knew i was going to have a daddy’s little girl on our hands.

it felt like forever, just watching daniel and our baby getting to know each other. soon enough, though, the doctors finished with the stitches and i heard a knock at the door.

within seconds, both of our parents came into the room, bearing wide smiles. daniel sat in the seat next to me, both of us staring at the beautiful baby in front of us.

“does she have a name?” keri asks, slowly walking up to the two of us, careful not to be too loud.

daniel and i look at each other, and then i give him the nod to tell everyone. “callista avery mae seavey.”

“our little baby callie.” i smile at the name. daniel and i both loved the name callie, but wanted it to be a nickname. avery was after his bandmate who really helped us through this whole preparing to be parents thing. mae was a pretty nickname from my side of the family that was good to separate avery and seavey. our little callie mae.

***

it was three am and both of us were awake to callie’s loud screaming. turns out that daniel and i had a very colicky daughter who, when awake, wanted to scream at the top of her lungs. daniel was in the nursery trying to grab more diapers and wipes that, out of exhaustion, we forgot to restock last night when we ran out. i held callie in our arms, rocking her gently and trying to get her to go back to sleep.

“does she have a dirty diaper?” daniel asks, placing the diapers in the corner of our messy bedroom. a few days into callie’s life, we realized we should’ve left the changing table in our bedroom until she was ready to sleep in the nursey, but both of us were too tired to even think about moving the furniture around. so for now the corner of the room was storage and a changing pad on the bench was our late night changing table.

“i don’t think so.” i answer, giving him an exhausted look. “her diaper isn’t heavy and i tried to feed her, but she doesn’t seem to be hungry. i think she just woke up and is being colicky again.”

“how long did the doctor say the colic will last?” daniel asks.

“she didn’t.” i sigh, going to take a seat on our bed as i continued to calm callie. daniel sat beside me. “go back to sleep, i got her.”

“no, i know you’ve been awake all night. try to go to sleep, i’ve got her.” daniel says, and then takes callie from me. “did you take melatonin tonight?”

“yeah.” i say. “i know your body goes through a lot of changes postpartum, but i’m really not liking the insomnia.”

“okay, well, you lay down, and i’m gonna sing to you both, okay?” daniel says and then starts to rock callie to sleep as i laid beside them. and then he started to sing softly.

***

callie was born a little over three months ago and daniel and i haven’t had a date night since then. when we fearfully realized that last week, jack and anna were both quick to offer some help. we hadn’t felt comfortable leaving callie yet, especially since she wasn’t always the easiest. we had lots of help and people offering, but neither daniel nor i were good at asking for help. that’s definitely something we’re both still working on, especially now that we have a baby.

finally though, jack and anna convinced us. originally, we were going to leave them with daniel’s parents, but anna and jack were pretty convincing. jack had lots of experience since he himself is a dad, and anna was very close with gabbie when she had lavender. jack also decided to invite zach for some more company, which was cute.

daniel and i had a hard time saying goodbye to callie, even though we really were only going to be out for two hours at most. we knew neither of us could stay away for that long.

the restaurant wasn’t too far from the house, which was nice because it cut down on our time away from callie. i think both of us were a little nervous to leave her. we both know that she’s three months old and other people are more than capable of watching her for a few hours, but it’s still hard to not be worried about all of the things we could be missing out on.

“oh my gosh, anna just sent a picture of callie.” daniel says in the middle of our dinner, holding up his phone to show up me the picture of our daughter in the adorable pajamas her aunt bought.

“i miss her.” i admit, knowing he was feeling similarly. “do you think they had a hard time getting her to sleep? i hope she’ll be good for them tonight.”

“i’m sure she was fine.” daniel says, then later . “you know, maybe we should skip dessert. relieve them a little early.”

“she’s growing up so fast.” i tell him. “i’m not ready for her to keep growing.”

“we’re gonna blink and she’s gonna be cursing us out because we wouldn’t let her go out with her friends.” daniel continues. “not that we would do that, because honestly, i’ve always thought we’d be a little cooler than that.”

i laugh at his comment. “oh, we’ll definitely be cooler than that. we’re not gonna be the lame strict parents that doesn’t let their kids go out with their friends.”

“oh definitely.” daniel agrees. “except i will be strict about doors open if someone is over. i don’t care who she’s in her room with, but that door better be open. i am taking no chances.”

“i feel like that’s fair.” i add. “i know we’re parents, but wow, until i think about that future, i kind of forget.”

“i’m very glad that’s a long ways away.” he comments. “i’m barely ready for her to be three months old, we do not need to get ahead of ourselves. take this parenting thing one step at a time.”

“i could not agree more.” i smile, leaning over the table to kiss daniel’s lips gently.

***

i walked out of my one year old’s nursery with her in my arms. we watched as daniel and anna hung balloons up around our california apartment. it’s just about an hour before callie’s first birthday party, and now more than ever, i could not be more grateful for daniel’s family’s offer to help us set up.

rather than fighting with figuring out food for the party, we decided to get it catered. christian and tyler offered to go pick up the food at the restaurant for us, which was extremely helpful. his parents were setting up some decorations around the front of the apartment.

i had just put callie in her adorable dress that i specifically picked out for this party. we weren’t the type to throw parties, so we weren’t 100% sure what to do or what to expect, but we decided to just stick to family and close friends. callie was too young for us to strictly invite her friends over. at this stage in her life, her friends were whoever was at mommy&me that week.

the party was going to be small. daniel’s family, my family, daniel’s bandmates and close friends, and then my close friends.

thankfully, we finished decorating and setting up with about thirty minutes left to spare before the party. rather than worry, i decided to just sit on the couch with anna and daniel. keri took callie from me, wanting to spend some time with her granddaughter, and giving daniel and i a brief break before the party started.

“i cannot believe she’s a year old.” anna exclaims to me. “you guys have been parents for a year. that’s crazy to think about.”

“it’s definitely a little bit weird.” i giggle in response.

“you guys make it look so easy, being young parents.” anna says. “i know i’m younger than you guys, but still, i cannot imagine having a kid anytime soon.”

“i didn’t think i would either.” i tell anna. “for me, i wasn’t really ready until i met dani. i realized that i was ready because i wanted to do this with him. it’s different for everyone, i’m sure, but at least personally, that’s how i knew we could be parents.”

daniel wraps his arm around me on the couch, kissing my cheek softly. “yeah, it’s the same for me. when you find someone you want to do everything with, it gets easier to imagine yourself parenting together.”

“that is really cute.” anna says. “this is what i mean, when i say you make it look easy!!”

“it’s definitely not easy.” i laugh. “but it’s a little bit easier when you work as a team. we talk things through and decide together, instead of just making decisions separately. it’s a lot easier to feel like you’re making the right decision when you talk things through.”

“and that is all the parenting advice you get, because while i am most definitely ready to be a dad, i am not ready to be an uncle.” daniel says, getting protective over his younger sister.

“being an uncle is way easier than being a dad.” anna laughs. “but trust me, i’m not having kids any time soon. at least not intentionally.”

“well, i have to be the cool uncle. someone’s gotta bail the kid out of jail and hide it from you.” daniel jokes.

“first of all, why would my kid go to jail??” anna asks. “and second of all, you might’ve been first in the race for cool uncle before callie arrived, but since becoming a dad, you’ve fallen behind. the cool uncle can’t have kids, that’s not how that works.”

“well i’ll break that standard, because i’ll be the cool uncle.”

“i just want to be the aunt that gives good advice at one o’clock in the morning.” i tell them. “someone’s gotta do it. i expect that for callie, anna, so i will do that for your kids.”

“oh, of course. nothing but the best for callie. and future kids.” anna agrees. “speaking of, future kids? any thoughts on that? mom wants me to scope that out.”

“eventually.” i smile. “sooner rather than later.”

***

daniel took callie on a walk. he’s been really adamant about spending at least thirty minutes a day on a walk with her. now that she’s getting a lot more balance and ability to take a lot more steps, he loves taking her to the playground a few blocks from our apartment. usually, i like to go with them, but today i made up an excuse about things i had to get done at home.

i felt especially grateful for that routine of his today, because i needed a few minutes to myself. i’ve been feeling particularly nauseated recently, and as soon as i woke up the other day, i could feel that i was pregnant again. in the past, i had always thought that when i was paranoid about being late, but now that i’ve actually experienced pregnancy, i can feel that there’s a little fetus inside of me.

daniel and i haven’t exactly been trying, but we haven’t been taking as many precautions as we were when callie was first born. now that she’s over a year old, we feel better about having another baby. we weren’t too rushed, because we lot spending time with just our little girl, but we didn’t want to wait too long and have her grow up without a sibling. having a sibling was always a priority of daniel and i’s. seeing as we both grew up with siblings, we know how important it is to have a sibling.

my stomach fluttered with butterflies as i followed the instructions on the pregnancy test. after realizing i was pregnant with callie, i had bought a ton of tests that i didn’t end up using because it was so obvious that i was indeed pregnant. that was extremely helpful for right now when i don’t have time to go sit in traffic for thirty minutes just to go to the pharmacy.

i sat on top of the counter, leaving the pregnancy test face down while i tried to scroll through tiktok and distract myself. it was probably the slowest five minutes of my life, other than finding out about callie.

the timer went off on my phone. i take a deep breath and carefully lift the pregnancy test off the marble bathroom counter.

pregnant.

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possiamo-andare · 5 years ago

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No More Divisions - Chapter Seven: Goodbye

JJ x Original Character

hey everyone, the feedback I've been getting is amazing, thanks so much!! I know my writing isn't perfect but to know someone somewhere is reading and enjoying it makes me so happy! <3

MASTERLIST

It was 3:10 pm. John B. and Sarah were late. Under different circumstances I probably wouldn't have cared but knowing the situation we were in, every second counted.

Although we were all very nervous, Pope was the worst of all. He was pacing the dock, talking to himself in hushed tones. He was scaring me a little.

"Pope," Kiara spoke up, cautiously walking towards him.

He stopped and looked to her. "What if they got caught?"

Kiara cupped her hands and brought them to Pope's face. "No. They're fine, just late."

I stood beside Kiara. "She's right Pope, he'll be here any second."

"C'mon dude," JJ smirked, patting his friend on the back. "You know JB, he's always late."

Pope nodded, smiling at all of us. "You're right, he'll be here."

We all hugged Pope, hoping that our reassuring words helped him. To be honest, I didn't even know if I was correct. He could be caught or even worse, dead. The police around here had tunnel vision, like JJ said, and I was scared for John B. and Sarah. The reward mixed in with how determined the police were made a scary pair of odds for John B. and Sarah.

We all separate after a minute of hugging Pope, except for Kiara. She continues to hug Pope and reassure him, even after JJ and I have backed away. I don't say anything even though I know what's going on. I look to JJ to see if he senses the same thing, but I realized he's not looking at Kiara and Pope, he's looking at me. Inch by inch, he's shifted towards my side and now he's so close that his hand touches mine.

Once our fingers graze, my eyes widen and I pull away. He's making me so nervous. To avoid his fingers again, I cross my arms over my chest.

JJ looks away and towards Kiara and Pope, who are still talking. "So, are we gonna talk about it, or are you just gonna ignore me?"

I glance at him, scoffing quietly. "I'm not ignoring you. I'm trying to focus on the task at hand. I have to be responsible."

JJ groans. "How am I even attracted to you? Doesn't matter, I am."

Now I'm suppressing laughter. I turn towards him. His body is not facing me yet and he hasn't looked back at me. "You're attracted to me?"

JJ's eyes widen as I speak, turning towards me quickly. He's looking directly at me. "I'm -"

"Cops!" Pope yells, pointing to something behind us.

JJ and I both jump in surprise and turn around. Every hair on my body is up. I'm on high alert. These cops are probably here because they know we have something to do with John B. and they want to see who is gonna break. It's not gonna be me.

I see the police car park on the grass and turn off the ignition, the car's lights turning off. JJ stands in front of me as Kiara and Pope run closer to us. We're all trying to protect eachother just in case.

Yet, we don't have to protect eachother. Instead of a cop poking his head out of the car, it turns out to be John B. I laugh, surprised. He was definitely the last person I though I'd see driving a cop car.

"JB!" JJ yells, running to his friend as John B. makes his way to us.

"Hey." John B. smiles at us and hugs JJ. He looks completely exhausted. There's deep bags under his eyes I can see from where I'm standing. His clothes are very dirty too; sweat and dirt coating his body. I'm sure he'll be glad to be near the water.

Pope is not far behind and hugs him soon after. Kiara and I wait until he comes to us.

As he's hugging Kiara, JJ speaks up. "Where the hell did you get a cop car?"

John B. turned to JJ and shrugged. "Kinda stole it."

JJ howls, acting so juvenile. "That's so cool."

John B. turns to me and smiles. "Callie..."

I give him a shy smile. He doesn't need to say anything, I already know. I open my arms wide and hug him. This is the first time I'm actually talking to John B., let alone hugging him but it feels so natural. I know it's because we already feel so close to each other.

As we hug, John B. speaks. "I can't thank you enough. Sarah is so lucky to have you."

We let go of eachother and I look at John B. again. "You have me too now." Then, my brain reminds me of something and I feel like I got punched in the gut. "Where's Sarah?"

John B. frowns. "She said she'd meet me here. She's not here?"

I shake my head, starting to panic. If she's not with John B., then where the hell is she? Is she with the police? My mind is operating on minimal sleep and my brain is thinking of the worst possible situations.

"She's not." I'm full on panicking. The girl that's basically my sister is gone.

"I can't leave without her." John B. said, looking at all of us.

"No," Kiara frowns, grabbing onto John B.'s elbow. "You have to. Sarah's gonna get here eventually."

Kiara was right. Sarah was gonna show up eventually. We'll see John B. hopefully soon so Sarah will see him again.

Kiara is trying to push John B. to the boat but she's having difficulty.

Pope stops them and looks to John B., brows furrowed. "You're gonna get caught if you stay here any longer. How will that help Sarah?"

We have all surrounded John B. now. He nods, realizing Pope and Kiara are right. Even though it's hard for me because I know Sarah wants to say goodbye, we have to make sure John B. is away from OBX. That is our first priority.

John B. closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and then opens them again. He's looking at all of us, almost as if he's trying to remember what we look like. I have to keep reminding myself that this is not the last time I'm gonna see John B. Once we find out a way to clear his name, he'll be back.

He nods at me. "Tell Sarah I love her."

I nod, trying not to react to what he's said. I don't think they've said that to eachother yet and I'm sad they can't say it to eachother now.

John B. says goodbye one more time before walking past us and onto the dock. Kiara gives him the key and he waves at her first, then all of us. We wave back and we don't stop waving until he's on the boat and gone, his boat only a small dot on the water.

I can't believe we did it.

I turn to JJ, exhausted. "I can't believe Sarah didn't get to say goodbye."

JJ smirks. "Don't get all sappy on me. We're gonna see him again."

I nod, holding back tears. I'm holding back tears because of Sarah and John B. and how they didn't get to say bye, but mostly because I'm so exhausted. It's been a rough 24 hours and I know it's not gonna get any easier.

JJ reaches for my hand. "Are we gonna talk about my rad macking skills?"

I looked up at him, making a fake gagging sound. "If you ever say that word again, I'll kill you."

I don't know if the murder jokes were appropriate but JJ didn't mind.

"Which word? Rad? Or macking?" JJ sarcastically asks, stepping closer to me. I already know he wants to kiss me again and I'm ready for him to make the first move.

I scrunch my nose up. "Ew. Macking? Just say kissing."

"What a Kook." JJ rolled his eyes, glancing at my lips.

I wanna make fun of him but I can't because something else has caught his attention. He's looking at something behind me. I turn around and almost gasp. Behind us, on the dock, stood Kiara and Pope and they were kissing. Finally.

I scoffed, watching them for a second longer and then turning my head back around. "Wow -"

I can't get a word in because as soon as my head is facing JJ again, his lips are on mine. I kiss him back instantly, my hands reaching up to wrap around his neck.

I want to kiss him deeply but I never get the chance to because we're pulled apart by the sirens.

We look to the grass of JJ's house and we see like two or three black SUV's parking.

"Kiara! Pope!" I yell to them. They pull apart and follow my finger.

Once they see the police, they run to us. They're off the dock in seconds and we're trying to run but it's too late. The police, who I realize now are not police but the feds, have surrounded us. JJ grabs my hand and I hold onto his. No matter what, I'm not leaving these guys. They're my friends now. They're more than that. They're like family.

One of the feds steps forward. He stands right in front of me but he looks at all of us. Deputy Shoupe walks right past us and onto the dock, gun in hand. Once he sees that John B. is gone, he curses for a moment then holsters his weapon. He turns around and storms back to us.

"Where is he?" He glares at all of us. First he looks at Kiara. "Kiara, what would your father say?"

Kiara says nothing, she just holds onto Pope tighter.

Deputy Shoupe looks at Pope. "You're gonna loose your scholarship for your friends?"

Pope says nothing.

Deputy Shoupe then looks to JJ. "Not surprised. You really wanna go down like your old man?"

JJ says nothing. He only reacts to Shoupe's mean comments by squeezing my hand for a moment. I squeeze back.

The Deputy Shoupe looks to me. He looks beyond surprised. "Callie Miller? What are you doing hanging around with people like them."

I glare at Deputy Shoupe. I say nothing, only stare at a man that once use to coach my soccer team when I was younger. Now, this man meant nothing to me.

"Your parents are looking for you. Worried sick. Ward told us you ran off to help Sarah. She's manipulated you into thinking that John B. is innocent." Deputy Shoupe speaks to me but I stay silent. That is, until he brings up John B.'s innocence.

I take a deep breath and then speak. "John B. is innocent." My voice is even and smooth.

Shoupe has an amused look on his face. "I'm sure he is."

"It wasn't John B. who killed Peterkin. I was there. I saw it." I continued to stay cool.

The fed standing in front of me shifted on his feet when I said this. I look to him. His brows are furrowed but he speaks clearly, "Who did it then?"

I gulp. God, these four words were going to be so hard to say. But they must be said. For John B. "It was Rafe Cameron."

The fed raised his eyebrows but other than that, didn't look that surprised. I figured he didn't believe me either. Deputy Shoupe sure didn't.

"Rafe Cameron?" Shoupe laughed. "Why would Rafe want to kill Peterkin?"

My eyes narrowed. "Why would John B. kill Peterkin. She was the only cop that thought he was a good kid."

The fed in front of me sighed. "I've been told the same thing you're telling me now by another girl. That girl's name was Sarah Cameron."

My head instantly turned to the fed. "You know where Sarah is?"

He shook his head. "She left before I could properly talk to her."

I frowned. Where the hell was Sarah then? "Her and I are telling the truth. Why would we purposely rat out her brother?"

The fed is about to speak again but he doesn't get a chance to. Shoupe cuts him off. He's clearly annoyed about the whole escape John B. made and since he knows we won't talk, he is ready to get rid of us and look for John B.

"They're no use to us now." Shoupe says to the fed.

The fed shrugs. "Bring them along anyways. Their parents will pick them up there."

Shoupe looks at me. "Your parents are waiting for you Callie. You're riding in a different car."

My eyes widen. I look to JJ. He's in just as much shock as I am in. Shoupe grabs onto my arm and tips me from JJ's grasp.

I plant my feet to the floor. "No, let me stay with them."

Shoupe rolls his eyes. "C'mon Miller."

"Callie!" JJ yells, trying to push his way through the bodies of cops to get to me.

I look to him. "It's ok." I don't want to cry in front of him.

I see Kiara and Pope fighting the cops as well and I can't help but smile. They think I'm worth fighting for.

Before I can even wave goodbye, I'm thrown into the backseat of Shoupe's car and the doors are locked. The hardest part is watching all of my friends getting put into different cars. Although they're not beside me, I still feel their presence.

I close my eyes. I take a breath. I open my eyes. I'm gonna get through this and find Sarah. I'm gonna get back to my friends. That's not gonna be the last time I'm ever gonna see them.

I keep telling this to myself over and over again as Shoupe drives me to the headquarters.

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wrestlingisfake · 4 years ago

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Hard to Kill preview

Kenny Omega & Doc Gallows & Karl Anderson vs. Rich Swann & Chris Sabin & Moose - When Kenny Omega won the AEW men’s world title on December 2, he completed a long-simmering heel turn by forming an alliance with Impact Wrestling executive Don Callis. Omega and Callis began showing up on both Impact and AEW programming acting like Omega is “the real world champion,” which irritated Impact world champion Rich Swann. Omega also reunited with Impact’s men’s tag team champions, Gallows and Anderson, who had already been having issues with former champs Chris Sabin and Alex Shelley.

This match was originally booked as Omega/Gallows/Anderson vs. Swann/Sabin/Shelley, but the day before the show Impact announced that “unavoidable circumstances” prevented Shelley from traveling to the show in Nashville. Shelley’s last-minute replacement is Moose, who has recently been feuding with Swann. For over eight months, Moose has been calling himself the “TNA world champion,” presumably to set up a “who’s the real champion?” match with the Impact world champion. But that seems kind of silly now that Omega and Swann are kind of doing the same thing, but with more credibility. So I was hoping they’d get Swann vs. Moose wrapped up before Swann vs. Omega got going. I certainly wasn’t expecting Moose to be involved in this match.

Because of Omega and the AEW interpromotional angle, this may well be the biggest show Impact has run in years. So Impact is motivated to deliver the best they can for whatever new audience this match will attract. The big question is whether AEW is invested enough to send a few of their guys to appear on this show for a hot angle. Any unadvertised AEW wrestler causing any kind of ruckus on this show will get people talking. But AEW and Impact seem to be taking their time with this storyline, and they may not think now is the time to drop the next bombshell plot point.

To me, the likeliest finishes are a) Omega’s team dominates and wins to get more heat, or b) Swann scores the winning fall to set up an Omega vs. Swann singles match. The best setup for that match would be Swann pinning Omega, but I don’t see that happening anytime soon. But if they sell it like Omega’s team are the heavy favorites, and that Omega’s ego is bruised by an upset even if he didn’t lose the fall, then that can still work. But then again, that was my gut feeling before Moose was added to the match. Now it feels far more likely that Moose will turn on his partners or walk out on them, which could change the entire complexion of the match. That uncertainty has me pretty interested in how things unfold.

Eddie Edwards vs. Sami Callihan - This is billed as a “barbed wire massacre” match, so the ring ropes will be replaced with barbed wire, and objects wrapped in barbed wire will be provided at ringside to use as weapons. Obviously, in this sort of match nobody is going to be disqualified or counted out.

I can’t say I understand the storyline leading up to this. Edwards and Callihan had a vicous feud following a 2018 incident where Callihan botched a spot and hit Edwards in the face with a baseball bat. Then they seemed to go down separate paths, and then recently Sami and Ken Shamrock started picking on Edwards and his wife for some reason. The idea now appears to be that these two will never be able to settle it, except that they both clearly put it all aside for the better part of a year. In any case, they’ve run out of hardcore stips to use in their matches, so here we are.

I believe this is the fourth “barbed wire massacre” match Impact has booked. The first two were on pay-per-view in 2005 and 2008. The third was taped for television in 2018, but was only streamed on Twitch because it was “too violent for TV.” I remember watching the first one (Abyss vs. Sabu) in 2005 and being too squeamish to enjoy the performance. In matches like this you have to hope the wrestlers know what they’re doing and don’t go too far just to create a “moment.” But with Callihan and Edwards, that doesn’t apply, so I just have to hope the match was taped in advance, so that if one of them was gravely injured we’d have seen reports about it by now.

Both of these guys are pushed as top acts in Impact, but Callihan always seems to come up short in big matches like this. I can’t see either guy accepting defeat and letting the feud end. But if this is really the final chapter, then I think Edwards needs the last laugh more than Sami does.

Deonna Purrazzo vs. Taya Valkyrie - Purrazzo is defending the Impact women’s championship. Valkyrie held the title from January 2019 to January 2020--the longest single reign in the title’s history--but after losing the belt she spent 2020 preoccupied in comedy stuff with Rosemary and John E. Bravo. So Taya’s doing the whole “you’ve only done so well as champion because I haven’t gotten around to facing you” bit.

I haven’t been able to get into Impact’s women’s division. I suppose it’s because so many of the characters seem superficial and unserious. Like, Purrazzo is presented as a solid in-ring performer, but outside the ring she’s the kind of self-absorbed chicken heel who plots with her sidekick to devise ways to duck upcoming challengers. Impact is full of characters like that, but the women’s division in particular has almost nothing else. Hell, Taya was playing that role when she was the heel champion. So I can’t say I’m very motivated to see these two fight. I also don’t really believe we’re going to get a title change at this point.

Manik vs. Chris Bey vs. Rohit Raju - This is a three-way match for the X division championship, so whoever scores the first fall over any opponent will win Manik’s title. This story started with Bey as champion and Raju as his crony, but Raju was the one henchman in wrestling history who managed to manipulate his boss to his advantage, so Raju won the title from Bey in a three-way with TJP. Raju was so worried about losing his belt to TJP that he arranged a stipulation where TJP could no longer challenge him. Then Raju issued an open challenge answered by Manik...the masked man character originally played by TJP. So now Manik is the champion and definitely not TJP, but Raju and Bey aren’t buying it.

I don’t really care who wins this. Every time they do a multi-man match for the X title, they demonstrate that multi-man matches don’t settle anything, because there’s always somebody who’s like “Well I wasn’t pinned, so I should get another match!” So if, for example, Bey pins Raju, you know it’s just going to lead to Bey vs. TJP and/or Manik later. Except Raju is going to weasel his way into the situation, for another three-way. (Unless Crazzy Steve is free that weekend, and it’ll be a four-way.) There’s no direction here. The best thing that could happen to the X title (aside from retiring it as an obsolete relic) is if some AEW guys came in to fight for it. And I don’t expect that to happen soon.

Havok & Neveah vs. Tasha Steelz & Kiera Hogan - This match is the tournament final to decide which team will be awarded the Impact women’s tag team championship. The title was originally introduced in 2009, but a lack of interest in booking it properly led to ODB teaming with Eric Young to win the belts in March 2012. The last title defense I can find was in May 2012, although it took over a year for Impact to officially abandon the championship.

I can see why Impact was motivated to bring the title back, since throughout 2020 most of their women’s roster was paired off in various alliances: Taya Valkyrie & Rosemary, Deonna Purrazzo & Kimber Lee, Kylie Rae & Susie, etc. But just because most of the women on the roster have a natural partner doesn’t mean there are enough women to fill out a tag team division. I suspect these two teams are going to end up rematching a lot for the tag belts, while the teams they eliminated in the tournament go back to focusing on singles action. If just having women’s tag titles automatically meant expanding the women’s roster and pushing more women, then that would be great. But we’ve seen that it doesn’t work that way, not only in WWE, but also the last time Impact tried it.

My gut feeling is that Steelz and Hogan have more future potential, so I’d probably prefer to put the title on them. But Havok and Neveah have the edge in size and meanness, and I could easily see Impact wanting them to dominate as the champions a la the Road Warriors.

Eric Young & Cody Deaner & Joe Doering vs. Cousin Jake & Rhino & Tommy Dreamer - This is being called an “old school rules” match, which is Impact’s way of saying “ex-ECW guys are in this so we want to say ‘extreme rules’ but WWE trademarked that.” Basically there are no count-outs or disqualifications. Cody and Jake were a tag team until Deaner became obsessed with proving himself against Young; when he failed, he turned on Jake and joined Young’s group. Rhino tried to help Jake out, but it wasn’t until Tommy Dreamer got involved that they were able to even the odds. I’m pretty sure Young’s faction is just getting started and they are going to destroy the babyfaces here.

Ethan Page vs. The Karate Man - Page is one half of The North, which spent most of 2019-2020 dominating the men’s tag team division. Karate Man is the alter ego of...Ethan Page. So he’s fighting himself. That’s always fun.

The backstory here is that the North struggled to recover from losing the tag title earlier this year, and Page grew increasingly desperate to convince Josh Alexander that they could regroup. The tipping point was when Alexander was wrestling Brian Myers and Karate Man interfered, causing Josh to get disqualified. Page did a skit where he tried to get therapy from Karate Man, before they decided to fight instead.

The bigger story behind all this is that Page’s contract with Impact Wrestling reportedly expired at the end of 2020, so he’s technically not even with the promotion anymore. Reportedly, this “match” was taped weeks ago. Just because Page is a free agent doesn’t mean he won’t simply re-sign with Impact at any moment. But this looks to be his swan song before he moves on...or the pivotal angle that sets up how he’s staying.

Obviously this is going to have to be pre-taped with Patty Duke Show special effects. I’m not sure if that means it’ll be a ~*~cinematic match~*~ though. They could do a weird brawl in a weird location like the Boneyard Match or Stadium Stampede, or they could just do it on the normal set in a normal ring and not do anything weird except the split screen effects. I honestly don’t know what to expect.

Rosemary & Crazzy Steve vs. Tenille Dashwood & Kaleb with a K - Rosemary and Steve used to be in The Decay together years ago, and occasionally Impact remembers that and has them interact. Tenille is formerly Emma from WWE, playing a stuck-up Instagram influencer gimmick with Kaleb as her personal assistant. Rosemary already beat Dashwood in the setup to this match, and I don’t think Kaleb is going to last long against Steve, so I guess the weirdo babyfaces will triumph.

Josh Alexander vs. Brian Myers - This is scheduled for the pre-show. As noted above, Alexander and Ethan Page had some issues that came to a head when Page caused Alexander to lose a match to Myers. So Josh wants to avenge that loss. It’s kinda funny to me that the serious match about wins and losses and professionalism is on the pre-show while the “Ethan Page beats himself up” comedy is on the main show. But anyway, it seems like Alexander is headed for a singles push, so he might as well get that started with a win.

#impact wrestling #aew #hard to kill #kenny omega #luke gallows #karl anderson #rich swann #moose #chris sabin

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aleksanderrs · 4 years ago

Text

introducing ; 𝒂𝒍𝒆𝒌𝒔𝒂𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒓 𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒓𝒔𝒆𝒏 .

( herman tømmeraas , cismale , he/him , aquarius , 21 ) i just spotted aleksander ‘ aleks ’ thorsen at the beach today . don’t you know them ? they live down by the rocks and usually hang out with the stoners and outcasts cliques . from what i’ve heard , they can be impulsive , but they’re also honest . i always think of them when i hear hell is where i dreamt of u & woke up alone - blackbear and tend to associate them with bruises and scratches decorating pale white skin , a backpack filled with narcotics , flicking off the cops on the freeway with a smirk on your face .

note that this is a pretty triggering intro ! i’ve tried to put a tw before any bullet that mentions something triggering , but i may have missed something . if you do read this intro , read it with caution please , as i wouldn’t want to trigger anyone !

tws : foster care system , violence , injuries , drug and alcohol abuse , shooting resulting in death , suicidal thoughts

stats

full name : aleksander carter thorsen peters

nicknames : everyone calls him aleks , like …. everyone . some people call him sander and he’s fine with this one too , but usually just aleks tbh

gender : cis male

height : 5 ′ 10

age : 21

birthday : february 5 , 2000

zodiac : aquarius sun , aquarius moon , scorpio ascendant

right handed or left handed : right handed

eye color : hazel , shooting more towards green , but shifts colors with the lighting

hair color : naturally very light brown , nearing more towards dark blonde , but he always dyes it a super dark shade of dark brown or even black . you’ll never catch him with that light ass hair of his tbh lmfao

piercings and tattoos : he has a septum piercing he hides by flipping it upwards whenever he feels like it tbh , literally a fuck ton of tattoos ! he has a pretty decent stick and poke on his left ankle he did himself when he was like sixteen that says ‘ aurora ’ ( twin sisters’ name ) , he has one that reads ‘ murphy , 1961-2021 ′ on his inner right bicep ( will get into that later in his intro ) , he has these fingers tattoos on his left hand , this tattoo on his inner left bicep , ‘ livet er nå ’ on his left wrist ( which means life is now in norwegian ) , a little pitbull face tattoo to honor an old dog he loved so much named pawly , ‘ 2000 ′ ( year he was born ) in the middle of his left arm , ‘ oasis ’ diagonally on his right arm right above his wrist ( fave band there guys ! ) , an aquarius symbol on his right ring finger , honestly a bunch of random ass small aesthetic tattoos ? probably a little alien , a mini drum set tattoo , a random small thunder tattoo ? probably the word ‘ fuck ’ somewhere like .... idiot who gets a lot of random tattoos idk what to say , literally is probably a centimeter away from losing his shit and impulsively getting a face tattoo he really doesn’t give a fuck anymore tbh KJVNDVJFV

languages spoken : english , norwegian , basic spanish , but wants to learn it fluently

sexuality : bisexual / biromantic

place of birth : long beach , california

hometown : literally everywhere , no permanent hometown tbh

last four songs listened to : faint by linkin park , supersonic by oasis , mama by my chemical romance , torture me by red hot chili peppers

character inspo : a mix of chris miles and james cook from skins u.k , lip gallagher and mickey milkovich from shameless u.s , callie adams foster from the fosters , eli ‘ hawk ’ moskowitz from cobra kai ( season 2 hawk )

backstory

so aleksander , or aleks as he prefers to be called , was born six minutes after his twin sister aurora , to two norwegian parents ( julie and anders ) , both twins being the first american born in their family . his father was a no show from the start , and his mother was something else . him and aurora endured their mother’s heavy drug abuse , living in a crappy environment with an actual crackhead , until she was deemed unfit to take care of them and they were taken from her by child protective services when they were seven , instantly thrown into foster care . his mother didn’t care enough to ever even get them back , signing away her parental rights , and choosing drugs over her own two children . aleks hasn’t seen her since , and has no desire to ever see her again at all

as a kid , he was pretty soft . he didn’t like mean people and was fairly sensitive and highly emotional , two things that you literally cannot be if you’re a foster kid , which , unfortunately for aleks , was exactly what he was . basically exactly how you could picture a foster child’s life really . him and aurora managed to stay together for three years until they were separated from each other at ten years old

i guess you could say this is when things changed drastically for him . he assumed they might get reunited eventually but it never happened . he would cry himself to sleep every night because of how lonely he felt and he actually had no friends at all . if anything , the kids at his home would constantly make fun of him for being so sensitive and crying so easily . he was completely on his own , and really sad

he came to terms with the fact that he wouldn’t really survive if he continued letting his emotions get the better of him . by the time he was twelve , he altered his personality drastically and changed altogether . what really happened is that he let his anger and resentment get the better of him

he just became super fed up with how fucked up the system is , and how literally no one wanted to adopt a kid his age ? the lack of sympathy from his fellow foster ‘ siblings ’ , and a mixture of everything going on around him , he kind of gave up and turned into this version of himself that took shit from no one . he never stayed in a foster home for more than nine months regardless of whether he behaved or not because something always seemed to come up for some reason ? this of course , gave him no real stability .

he got thrown into a foster care family , the johnson’s , when he was fourteen , and for a while , it seemed like a pretty top notch foster home , definitely the best one he’s been in by far . i say for a while because shit went down hill pretty fast , literally in less than five months . aleks had an unlikely friendship with the foster parents’ son , kyle . kyle was four years older than him ( eighteen ) but it seemed to work at first since they shared the same room , until one day , they get into a pretty heated argument at school ( kyle is a senior , aleks is a freshman ) . to this day , aleks genuinely doesn’t even remember what the argument was even about , but this was the argument that flipped his life upside down more than it had already been flipped

! violence and injury tw for the next four bullets , read with caution or skip ahead if it will trigger you ! they’re outside getting into it , petty ass verbal argument tbh , when kyle strikes him right in the face . doesn’t really end there though because this grown ass eighteen year old man dead ass starts beating his ass . actual understatement , like , beating his ass like he’s getting paid for it type shit . he can hear people around them screaming out ‘ fight fight fight ! ’ but it’s really , really not a fight though ? like it’s just this eighteen year old beating the living shit out of a fourteen year old kid , a literal fucking child

eventually when it’s over , kyle threatens him . tells him that if he says anything at all , he’s going to make sure he gets sent to a group home or frame him for something he didn’t do to get him sent to juvie . aleks is seriously just laying on the floor , holding back the urge to cry , injured as hell , wondering where the fuck that came from . it was just so random ? he really thought he was friends with this guy and he just gets his ass beat over an actual fifth grade argument . he’s been picked on before , even shoved or had sour fights with people before , sure , but he’s never in his damn existence been beaten like that before . super low point in his life because it’s the first time he genuinely got his ass handed to him and then some , but definitely not the lowest point

when he gets back to his foster home , he tells his foster parents he was jumped . makes up this entire story from the crack of his ass . it actually makes him physically and emotionally sick to sleep in the same room as kyle , but he tells himself it is what it is . he doesn’t rest that entire night . the next day though , he waits until kyle is sound asleep to get up from his bed beside him and hover over at him , watching him snore soundly . a million and one thoughts run through this kids head , but it’s mostly just hurt , anger , disgust , and this sick need to get back at him . it’s this fight in his head , one voice telling him to let it go while the other voice screams at him to fuck him up . aleks momentarily decides on taking the higher road , knowing it could get him into huge trouble if he lays a hand on kyle , but that decision to take the higher road vanishes when he looks up above the fuckers bed and see’s the mirror that hangs on top . he stares at his reflection , spotting his bruises , the swollen bits of his face , the scrapes and cuts , how fucked up he looks , and he acts completely on impulse , his anger getting the better of him . aleks grabs kyle’s soccer trophy from on top of his bed stand , lifts it up above his head , and smacks him right across the face with it . this obviously wakes up kyle instantly , but aleks has the upper hand , since kyle is laying on his bed , half asleep , and without a weapon . aleks starts fucking him up with the thing , you can hear kyle’s screaming loud and clear , and it’s not long before kyle’s parents come rushing inside , obviously pulling aleks right off him , and well , you can kind of see where this is headed

moral of the story , aleks is considered a high risk foster child with that little stunt he pulled . his first actual offense , but it still gets him sent to juvie for three days , and that’s really just because the judge is being nice considering his situation ... i don’t even think i need to describe what juvie was like because like we see movies y’all we know JKFNDJF . he broke kyle’s nose , scratched his cornea , and left him with multiple injuries . kyle’s claims don’t help his story either . he tells everyone that aleks is psycho , that he’s wrong in the head , has some serious anger issues and ‘ attacked him out of nowhere when he was just trying to help him ’ , makes him out to be the biggest bad guy in the book , conveniently leaving out the part where he fucks him up with his fists at school . with the squeaky clean record kyle has , no one really cares for aleks’ side of the story at all , especially since he claimed his injuries were from getting jumped . from that point forward , he knows for a fact he’s never getting adopted , and , as sad as this may sound , he doesn’t even care anymore ! end of violence and injury tw !

actually hurting someone the way he did kind of ignited something inside him he didn’t even know was there . of course after a certain age , he grew a much tougher shell and stopped crying about everything , stopped being so damn sensitive , but he’s never laid his hands on anyone before until he met kyle . he wasn’t proud of what he did , it made him feel like shit inside , dirty in a way , and it didn’t give him any sense of accomplishment or bring him any joy , but .... it kind of awakened him to all these different ideas , a different mentality , gave him a feeling of power and superiority he’s never felt before . at that point on , he began thinking ‘ every man to himself ’ , very much katherine pierce from the vampire diaries mind . he does what he does to survive and he doesn’t care who he has to knock down . no one ever cared for him , he stopped caring for people – that’s that .

it took everything ( like dead ass everything ) , to convince the judge not to put aleks in a group home . he was , thankfully , placed in another foster home , but with much higher restrictions than his last . it was school and back , the doors were locked at 9 pm , bedroom doors included , windows sealed shut .... just bad , but it beat being in juvie , so again , he told himself ‘ it is what is it ’

began acting the fuck out . new home , new school , he became the bad kid your parents warned you about , begged you not to hang out with . skipping class , a nasty smoking habit , talking back to the teachers – he actually stopped giving a fuck , and his behavior just worsened as time went on . despite his own birth mother being a drug addict , he did the same shit . he turned to drugs , alcohol , and violence , mostly . hanging with the wrong crowd , slick ass mouth , not afraid to punch someone , on some illegal shit , but , he became very street smart and learned to keep his shit ‘ low key ’ as he called it , really .... just not getting caught . he was barely barely passing school , just enough so his ( current ) foster parents wouldn’t bug him about shit . eventually moved to another home without as many restrictions and decent living , really , really just tried to keep a low profile all while doing hood rat shit on the low #hannahmontanawho?

! drug abuse and drug mentions tw for the next three bullets ! he really , really began to rely heavily on drugs and alcohol . started off with weed , but escalated from there . adderall , xanax , oxy , coke , mdma , even ketamine ... really any drug you can think of , all tried by the time he was sixteen . his top three favorites quickly became coke , ketamine , and obviously weed . aleks thinks he has the whole situation under control , swears he’s become a master of deceit , but it’s only really a matter of time before shit catches up to you , right ?

he’s sixteen when him and a couple of his friends decide to drive to santa monica just for the fuck of it . they swear they’ll get him back in time , all with the idea to get really fucked up by the beach and go on an adventure . only problem is they get too fucked up and attract too much attention up to the point of getting caught . four teens running in different directions from the cops , high as fuck .... lovely tbh 🥴

again , you can kind of see where this is headed .... him and another guy were the unlucky ones , of course . aleks gets caught with only a joint on him , but tests positive for a bunch of drugs . it’s already his second offense too . he gets four days in juvie this time , drug counseling once he’s out . the only problem is no one really knows where he’s going to get placed after this , though he’s pretty sure it’ll be some high restriction group home , but very surprisingly , he’s wrong ! end of drug abuse and drug mentions tw !

the day he gets released from juvie is the day he meets a man named murphy peters , or my favorite person ever ( what aleks will soon come to think of him ) . murphy isn’t really too sure about taking him in until he gets told ‘ well if you don’t take him i guess i can just send him to a group home ’ . they just look at each other at that moment , aleks’ eyes filled with unshed tears , beat up and tired , and murphy turns back to the guy and legit says ‘ nah , don’t even bother . just a few weeks , right ? ’

he’s super shut down emotionally when arriving at his place . murphy is a single foster parent with an old , really friendly pitbull named pawly for company , no other foster kids in his apartment . being tossed around so much , aleks assumes it’ll only be a matter of time before he fucks up and gets sent somewhere else . that’s how it always seems to go down anyways , and he did only say a few weeks after all

but things take an unexpected turn for the better on the second day he’s there . three in the morning , he’s awake but the lights are turned off , pitch dark . he randomly hears murphy open the door and pretends to be asleep . a part of aleks feels like this might get dark very fast . after all , he lives alone . he’s a single foster parent , and aleks has lived through enough in the system to know how fucked up it is . the last thing he’s really expecting is for murphy to shake him roughly like ‘ wake up kid , wake up , i know you not really sleepin’ ! ’ so he kind of just sits up and turns on the light like um .... it’s like three am , and murphy is pacing back and forth around his room like ‘ aight , i figured it out , kid ! ’ and aleks is just like haha yeah cool ..... again , it’s three am

strangely enough , murphy starts telling him his life story , through and through and aleks can’t help but think how this old man he met two days ago figured all this shit out . it makes him angry that he’s apparently so transparent ( he’s really not , murphy is just next level ) . truth be told , he wants to swing at murphy , and he knows it’ll get him into deep shit , but he does it anyways . imagine his shock when this old man blocks his punch and manages to slam dunk him back onto his bed . he’s just like what the fuck aren’t you like eighty KVBFDJ

moral of the story is they get into an argument and aleks eventually tells him that the reason he’s so angry is because he ‘ can’t beat up everyone he hates , you included ’ ( half true , but definitely not the only reason he’s so pissed at the world ) , even more random when murphy is like ‘ i’m gonna teach you some healthy ways to let out that anger , be ready at ten am , kid ! ’ and aleks really thinks he’s making fun of him so he’s like ‘ yeah , okay .... fuck you old man ! ’ as murphy makes his way out

but ... he’s not talking shit ! ten am on the dot and he’s getting dragged to what he thinks is a gym , but it’s actually a dojo . he thinks murphy is talking out his ass when he tells him he’s going to teach him karate , and enroll him in boxing classes for the summer . he’s just wondering how this old solitary man is gonna even teach him good karate to begin with , but he soon learns that the old saying don’t judge a book by it’s cover is pretty much murphy to a t

he is right though . he starts boxing and karate and it does help him a lot ! he realizes how much doing these things gets his mind off everything . even though he’s basically ‘ fighting ’ it brings him a strange sense of peace , and surprisingly ? discipline too . he knows this whole thing is temporary but it still changes his mindset a lot . he mostly begins to focus on physical activity and becoming the best at what he’s doing rather than his old bad habits like drugs and alcohol , stealing , any type of petty crimes he used to commit . at the time he didn’t want to admit it , but murphy was definitely right . this was for sure helping him take out all the anger he has inside , all without doing things that could get him arrested

and him and murphy start to really bond too . they both like the same bands , they’re both aquarius’ , similar tastes in tv shows and movies , they both have nearly the same sense of humor , murphy was even a foster kid like him who out grew the system , but again , aleks really tries to not get attached because he knows he’s just being nice , but he really really starts to fuck with murphy . deep down in his head he’s like ‘ i kind of wish he was my dad ’ .... making me emo and shit smh

when school comes around , beginning of his junior year , he manages to convince everyone to let him drop out and get his ged . school really just isn’t for him and it never has been , being in a place with a bunch of other teens for like eight hours for five days a week gives him anxiety , just drains his social battery completely . he does drop out , but he’s pushed so roughly by murphy to get his ged , he manages to pass the test by late november , basically graduating over an entire year ahead of his actual class

and life seems to get better from there ! murphy eventually tells him he wants to make this a permanent thing . aleks gets so happy he actually bursts into tears 🥺

the entire process takes a lot longer than necessary though , especially with his record . in the beginning , they can’t find his actual birth certificate . his actual birth father , for some reason , refuses to sign away his parental rights at first ( aleks is like bro i literally hate you .... sign the fucking papers ) . kind of starts to seem like the whole universe is against him . every time the coast looks clear and it seems like they can go through with the adoption process , something happens and delays the entire thing . it actually takes him over a year until he finally gets legally adopted by murphy , when he’s seventeen . actually the happiest day of his life

things only seem to get even better from then on out . he gets his driver’s license , his tattoo artist license in california when he’s nineteen , starts working at an actual shop in venice beach when he’s almost twenty . he’s not the best at first , but not terrible . eventually , he becomes really really good though . he basically paints , listens to music and does a mixture of boxing and karate during his free time . he tattoos and pierces people for income , starts saving up because he really wants to drive down to mexico one day , with murphy in his rv . actually the road trip of his dreams !

but , remember when i said it kind of seems like the universe is against him ? 🥴

it’s february first of this year , four days before his twenty first birthday , and nine days before murphy’s , when him and murphy get into a fight . aleks can’t even recall what the fight was about , but he gets so angry , he takes murphy’s rv and drives to god knows where . he gets really drunk one night and starts doing a bunch of dumb shit , but his dumbest idea has to be stealing a backpack full of diamonds from these two guys . gets chased by them for a moment , but manages to get away , all while being told ‘ you’re gonna regret that shit so hard bro ! ’ . in his defense , he had no idea the backpack was filled with diamonds , he just liked the way it looked because it was a kipling ? he liked the little monkey keychain ? imagine his surprise when he opens the thing and see’s probably at least half a million dollars in diamonds . he’s just like wow that’s crazy .... i’m gonna drive back home right fucking now . four , almost five years of sobriety .... thrown down the toilet when he gets drunk , but he tells himself it was just a single slip up . that he’ll do better

he gets back home february sixth , the day after his birthday . spends his actual twenty first birthday passed out and hungover , asleep on the bed inside the rv . he tries walking past murphy as he’s outside wiping down his car , hoping he can just pass by him without being questioned , but of course he’s wrong . another fight in aleks’ eyes , but it’s really just murphy bitching and questioning him because he cares about him , because he’s obviously concerned that he’s been gone for the past five days , phone off and everything . it starts escalating until aleks eventually screams at him and tells him that he needs to ‘ stop pretending like he actually cares about him when all he feels towards him is pity ’ which , kind of just shows that he never really got over his trust issues and general trauma from being in the system . and there’s just a moment of silence before murphy is like ‘ i don’t know when you’re thick headed ass is gonna realize i’d take a bullet for you if it came down to it ’ and of course , aleks doesn’t believe him ! now fast forward to another half second of arguing until murphy’s words are actually put into action

! guns / shooting resulting in death and panic attack tw , please skip past this bullet if this triggers you ! they’re outside when a white van drives by , he can clearly hear an angry familiar voice shout ‘ i told you you were gonna regret this ! ’ , a gun pulling out from the window crack , and he gets so nervous he just freezes on the spot . he knows exactly who it is – it’s the guy he stole the backpack from like , two days ago . aleks knows what he’s going to do , but he can’t seem to move . he really thinks he’s going to die , until this man literally steps right in front of him , and , just like he stated not even a whole minute ago , actually takes a bullet for him . gets shot right in the chest , and by that time , all the neighbors are outside , calling the police . the area is too heated , so the van drives off quickly after missing the shot , no license plate or anything so it’ll be harder to identify who it was . you can imagine how traumatic this moment is for aleks , and the saddest part ? he really thinks murphy will somehow magically make it , like it’ll be some type of miracle all over the news and such – but he’s wrong . murphy bleeds out right in front of him , aleks doing everything in his power to try and stop his bleeding , but there’s really nothing else that can be done . the last two things murphy tells aleks is to ‘ please take care of all the clown paintings around the house ’ and ‘ never lose them , don’t let anyone take them , keep them no matter what ’ and he’s pretty much gone before he can tell aleks why . he gets so so nervous , he doesn’t know what it was at the time , but he starts having an actual panic attack . all his neighbors coming up to him like ‘ oh my god kid , are you okay ? ’ and trying to help the whole situation like ‘ help is coming right now ’ but it’s kind of like aleks can’t hear a word they’re saying ? like his heart is just beating so fast and he’s suddenly sweating so much and he can barely breathe . it’s like his body is there , but his soul , his mind ? gone , panicking , hyperventilating . everything from then on seems like a blur . getting told murphy’s dead in the hospital , which he definitely already knows . the police statement he gives , half there , half not . that day , it’s like a part of him vanished . he really was not the same ever since ! end of guns / shooting resulting in death and panic attack tw end !

he panics , hardcore . the first thing he does when he gets home is instantly take all his clothes , murphy’s computer , and general important things into the rv . he doesn’t know why murphy is so fixated on the clown paintings , but of course he grabs all twenty of them , he puts those in the rv as well , connects murphy’s car to the rv , and just starts to drive , far away from venice beach . like half a million dollars in diamonds inside a backpack on top of the passengers seat , too traumatized to stay in murphy’s apartment . he just starts to drive , with the intention of going to mexico , but then his dumb ass realizes he doesn’t have his passport on him . he keeps driving until he reaches san diego , and that’s the story of how he ends up in sunhollow

he genuinely doesn’t know what to do from that point on . he pawns the diamonds and purchases an rv site and gas /electric for nearly three years , so he doesn’t have to worry about about rent for a while . yes , he’s really just living in his damn rv because he doesn’t know what else to do and he terrified . he ends up in the rocks , the rougher part of sunhollow . for the first few days , he’s petrified , super afraid the guys who ended murphy are going to find him . thankfully , that doesn’t happen , but he’s still paranoid about it

he actually cries like a baby during murphy’s birthday on february tenth . if he was still here , he would be turning sixty . imagine how awful he feels , that his actual real last conversation with him was an argument .... he hates himself tbh

from that point on , all the progress he’s made gets flushed down the drain . the only positive thing about the whole thing is that he manages to get a job in this new city in half moon ink as a tattoo artist and piercer , with his prior experience . besides that , it’s all shit . he’s living in an rv , he doesn’t know what he’s doing or where he’s going with his life , he’s scared , and the worst part of all ? he starts abusing drugs and alcohol again , heavy this time . all his sobriety and hard work all these years ? completely gone

aleks really said ‘ fuck self love , we’re doing all the drugs ’ after murphy died . he’s just super not okay about it because he knows he’s gone because of him , because he couldn’t keep his damn sticky fingers to himself . he’s basically spiraling super hard now , and he knows wherever murphy is that he’s not happy with what he’s doing , but he can’t seem to stop . it’s like once he started using again , there was no going back

so he keeps doing hoodrat shit tbh ! his dumb ass ends up getting caught with resins of cocaine in a bag , on february twelve , literally on his birthday month . the offense wasn’t that bad because it was just coke residue , but it’s still basically a felony , and with his past record , he gets actual prison time . he was going to be in prison for a whole two months , originally three , but he got off lucky . however , with good behavior and community hours , he ends up in there for only a month , got out recently on march fifteenth . he’s doing community hours and getting drug tested by his p.o , he’s under house arrest too . he can be out between six am to six pm , but if he’s not right back in his trailer by six pm on the dot , well .... i think you can figure out what happens

he’s barely getting by really , known around town as trailer trash for obvious reasons , literally currently wearing a fucking ankle monitor . i don’t really think he cares about anything anymore ? like he’s just so done with it all . he didn’t even flinch when he got caught , didn’t try to run and willingly gave in ( which helped with his case but ) , like , that’s how done he is . genuinely didn’t care that he was going to actual prison . he just does not care . he’s barely living , one day at a time

i’m gonna end his backstory here , below are some headcanons !

headcanons

! drug abuse , suicidal and death thoughts tw ! this is kind of sad , but he’s reached a point in his life where he doesn’t really care if he lives or dies . in fact , he spends a lot of his time thinking about how he’s going to die , when , if it’ll be painful or not .... really really depressive and dark suicidal thoughts . the only thing is that despite everything he’s gone through , aleks doesn’t have it in him to actually commit suicide . he thinks about it constantly , thinks about getting run over by a car or drowning or shooting a damn bullet through his head , literally any type of death , but he would actually never pull through with it . he wants it to happen , but he doesn’t have it in him . this is a reason why he abuses drugs so much at this point . of course he likes the high , but in the back of his mind , he’s really really hoping he’ll take so much , it’ll kill him . that way if he dies , it won’t look intentional , just like your typical overdose . like , his heavy drug usage is literally a cry for help . he really doesn’t care if he takes it too far , he actually wants to take it too far always , but he never seems to overdose . he’s mixed a bunch of stuff before , but it just doesn’t happen ? in a way he feels he’s cursed , because he can’t even overdose and die properly . again , his idea of the universe being completely against him ! end of drug abuse , suicidal and death thoughts tw !

he actually .... doesn’t have a smart phone ! no bullshit , has some crap flip phone and a government phone he uses to speak to his p.o , that’s it . the only smart type of technology he really has is murphy’s 2018 mac book pro and a smart tv he has set in his rv . he rarely gets close to anyone , but on the rare occasion that he does , if they ask for his number , no bullshit , he gives them the number from pizza hut , has it memorized and all . you have to be really , really special for him to give you his number . the only people who really have his number are customers ( people he tattoos , and does piercings for ) like , that’s literally it . isn’t part of the gc ( the ic chat on discord ) , doesn’t have an instagram , twitter or any type of social media , actually old school as fuck , which is wild , considering he was born in 2000

he has a fuck ton of cds ! literally no one has cds anymore but he has so so so many . oasis , red hot chili peppers , my chemical romance , sleeping with sirens , arctic monkeys , yes , asking alexandria , the list goes on .... so many cds because this is really all he does in his rv . play a cd and start painting or sketching some tattoo ideas . he loves music a lot and considers it an escape , even though he doesn’t have a musical bone in his body and doesn’t play any type of instrument , but he just loves music so much , literally always listens to music no matter what he’s doing . his favorite band is oasis , murphy put him on that band . they’re favorite song was supersonic and they would listen to it together on repeat forever while driving , jamming to other oasis songs on the road as well . aleks listened to supersonic on repeat on the ride from venice beach to san diego . he cried the entire way .

he’s like ..... a kleptomaniac for real . he’ll walk into a clothing store with a large hoodie on , grab twenty different shirts , go into the dressing room , put on ten of those twenty shirts , slide his oversized hoodie on top , and walk right out . sometimes he won’t even have any real reason to steal stuff , he just does because he’s bored . will go into a store and take something he doesn’t even need , surprisingly has never been caught . very reckless of him considering his situation , but again , he just doesn’t care anymore . he spends a lot of his money on drugs , so he’ll steal basic necessities sometimes , like toilet paper , tooth paste , soap , shampoo and conditioner . the weirdest thing he steals hands down is like .... family pictures of people he doesn’t even know ? like it’s so weird , he’ll jack a wallet , take all the money , and realize there’s like a family picture in there , the wife , the husband , their kids , a dog . weird as fuck , but he takes the money and family picture and throws out the wallet ? again , super weird , but i think never really having a legit family and losing the one person he loved unconditionally who believed in him caused this ? he’s just like you know .... what let me live through the eyes of these people <3 super fucking strange , literally has a few pictures of random ass families he doesn’t even know at all just stuffed into his glove compartment , for no reason at all .... fucking weirdo tbh

another fun fact is he has hypermobile shoulders ( or double jointed shoulders ) . he realized this when getting handcuffed once , his arms behind his back . he thought to himself ‘ i feel i can bring my arms above my head to bring my handcuffs to the front without breaking my arms ’ surprise , surprise , he definitely could ! does that weird shit and brings his entire arms from the back to the front while holding them , he said undercover contortionist here !

this is a wild headcanon , but remember those twenty clown paintings murphy insisted aleks never get rid of ? entire story behind those things . so murphy ? actually won the powerball in 2015 . no lie , magically got all numbers right , won 238 million . with federal withholding and taxes and all ? still left murphy with a stacking 101 million dollars . he spent less than half , leaving him with exactly 64 million dollars . now you would expect him to start living a glamorous life after that right ? well wrong ! he remained humble as ever, bought an rv and the car he wanted , payed off his bills , donated some money to charity , but continued living in his hood ass apartment in venice beach , kept quiet about the entire thing , never told a single soul . he’s the type of old school guy that would rather keep his money under his mattress rather than in a bank , doesn’t trust banks , only had a debit card because it was absolutely necessary , and a credit card he never really used , really just to build decent credit . he knew he couldn’t empty his entire account in one go , so he emptied it , little by little , gradually with time , until he eventually had all 64 million dollars in cash , all one hundred dollar bills . he knew he couldn’t store the money in a duffel bag like an idiot , so what did this man do ? literally .... put the money inside the paintings . no lie , inside the paintings . he knew no one would ever wanna steal a hideous clown painting , he was smart about it . each painting is stored with 3.2 million dollars inside , all one hundred dollar bills , meaning each painting carries exactly 32,000 one hundred dollar bills inside , tightly packed together so they all fit , wrapped and all . now really , really stop to think about this ..... aleks ? actually has 64 million god damn dollars inside his rv , stored inside those hideous clown paintings , and the most wild part ? he has absolutely no idea at all . to him , they’re just ugly ass clown paintings that weigh a ton ( because they’re stuffed with money , aleks ! ) . crazy , right ? everyone in sunhollow thinking he’s dirt poor trailer trash , without a nickel to his name . shit , he thinks the same thing too ! positive he’s gonna die broke as fuck and alone , but little does he know ? man is carrying 64 million in his shitty rv , and he has absolutely no fucking clue at all . definitely going to accidentally find out one day ( but that calls for a future self para tbh )

murphy had no intentions of spending all the money on himself , planned to donate the other half and spend the rest living his final days in santo domingo , dominican republic ( literally .... that’s how humble this man is ) . around that time is when he started fostering aleks though , and after the first few months with him , he knew , right away , that he was going to give that money to him one day . didn’t tell him about it because he knew it would freak him out and he wouldn’t stop asking about it , but he knew all that money would be his . stored it all away in those terrible clown paintings , specifically because he knew no one would suspect a thing . wanted to tell him about it , but passed away before he could . aleks still doesn’t know what’s in those paintings , has them stacked away somewhere because he thinks they’re so ugly , but would never throw them away because it was murphy’s last wish . the day he finds out what they actually have inside though ? his life will do a whole 360 . again , i’m gonna work into that though

people just think he’s trailer trash tbh and he does nothing to prove them wrong . i think his reputation just follows him around . lots of people don’t bother to get to know him and he doesn’t really bother to get to know people . he’s a big ass loner , spends nearly every single day alone minus when he’s at the tattoo shop . lots of people are really intimidated by him , especially with all the rumors about him , and that fucking ankle monitor tbh , but he doesn’t care , doesn’t do anything to try and stop what people think . he’s like if people wanna think i’m trailer trash whatever i don’t care , and he really , really doesn’t

he’s actually kind of a low key hoe ? bisexual as fuck and will hook up with just about anyone . it’s wild though because he’ll fuck you and kind of just disappear ? half the time he doesn’t even do it on purpose , he’ll kind of just dip without giving you his phone number or even wait for you to wake up . like you’ll maybe wanna make breakfast for both you guys , but you look to the other side of your bed and he’s no longer there . no phone number , no way of contacting him , kind of just a ghost . he never let’s people come over to his place ever ( because .... rv tbh ) so it’s not like there’s any way you can really see him again if you wanted to . unless you randomly see him somewhere , but odds are he’ll disappear into the background before you even really get a chance to talk to him . gives him this asshole reputation , but the truth is he just doesn’t want people getting too close to him out of fear that they’ll abandon him . you’ll think you’re starting a lovely friendship with him or even just a great hook up and he’ll randomly just ghost for like six months 🥴 never see him again type shit

he actually .... doesn’t really like being touched at all ? it’s weird because he likes sex a lot and doesn’t mind being touched everywhere in that moment during the heat of it , but like let’s say afterwards maybe you wanna cuddle ? you wanna greet him with a hug ? a little kiss on the cheek ? he’s not comfortable with that . he doesn’t mean to be an ass about it , but he actually physically cringes when someone just greets him with a random hug without any type of warning . will literally push you away and be like ‘ please don’t touch me again ’ . maybe this has to due with his childhood in general but like .... do not greet him with a random hug or kiss on the cheek ever because he will literally disappear so fast , push you away so quickly . if he initiates it , sure , but if it’s just random from the other party , he’s not gucci with it . i think if he finds someone he actually really cares about and vibes with he would be okay with physical affection ( example , he let murphy hug him all the time ) , but like let’s say he just meets you and you wanna go in for a friendly hug ? he’s gonna take like three steps back . makes him look like an asshole , but he really can’t help it . he doesn’t like being thrown off guard like that , strangely feels like he doesn’t have control of the situation ? he’s super weird tbh . he’s fine with a fist bump , or a quick handshake though

he hates mind games ! hates them . he’s definitely not the type of guy you can give a million hints to and he’s fine just figuring them out and going along with it . he doesn’t like indirect people who say one thing but mean something else and say this with hopes that you ‘ catch on ’ , he hates that difficult shit . he will catch onto every single hint you send , know exactly what you want too , but he’s not going to do anything about it . he wants someone who can be blunt and upfront with him , someone who knows what they want and shouts it to the world , someone who will tell him what they want from the start , no sugar coating , no beating around the bush , no mind games or backwards flirting . he’s a very blunt person , will tell you what he wants right off the bat without even blinking , doesn’t believe in the will they/won’t they bullshit . you’re either upfront and straight up with him , or you can play those mindgames for like , fifteen minutes with him before he ghosts you quick as fuck . like you want him to be super unattracted to you ? play mind games with him , beat around the bush , and hint at stuff while never directly telling him what you want . watch you never hear from him ever again tbh

he actually did half the tattoos he has . he’s become a very skilled artist , really good at sketching , painting , anything involving art with his hands . it’s relaxing to him . he hasn’t done any type of boxing or karate since murphy died , but he can very easily pick up from where he left off . he has a black belt , very good at both things , but has been avoiding it since the whole thing with murphy went down

he actually has undiagnosed bipolar disorder and even ptsd , especially from that bullet . he doesn’t really know this , but even just the sound of a gun going off can trigger him , take him back to murphy’s backyard , blood everywhere . it’s never happened to him before thankfully , but it’s a possible idea for a future thread or even self para . he has ptsd over lots of things that happened in his childhood and teen years , but a gun shot would probably really trigger him . for his bipolar disorder , he has a mixture of both manic and depressive episodes , but mostly manic ones . he’ll be awake for an entire week and not even really feel tired , fake elevated happiness , but it’s hard for him to notice he even has a problem with how heavily he abuses drugs . being high all the time never gives his brain a moment to think

literally getting drug tested every other week , but he’s still doing drugs ? he’s currently barely smoking weed because he knows that stays in your system forever , but drugs that flush out in just a couple of days or don’t even show up ? he’s all for it ! catch him with niacin , cranberry pills and juice , and cleansing pills like , two days prior . he hasn’t failed a drug test yet but he’s still doing drugs . actual dumb ass criminal mastermind ? like .... the lengths he’ll go to get high but not get caught ..... go to fucking therapy and rehab aleks holy fuck

murphy’s old pitbull ended up dying at seventeen years old , in 2018 ! no one thought he would make it for so long , but little guy did . aleks still remembers the pitbull , has a little pitbull small tattoo somewhere on his right arm in honor of this dog . his name was pawly

despite the fact that he hasn’t spoken norwegian in over a decade ( last time with his sister ) , he still vividly remembers it , since it was basically his first language . like , he claims he doesn’t remember it anymore , claims he forgot , but if someone just randomly starts speaking norwegian , his brain would instantly put all the words together and he would start speaking back fluently . you can’t forget what you fully learned , aleks !

a part of him wants to reconnect with his sister . he hasn’t seen her in over a decade , has no clue where she’s at , if she ever got adopted or if she’s even alive at this point . he really wants to find her but doesn’t know where to start ? little does he know she’s literally living in sunhollow too ( shoutout to aurora thorsen sparks )

really , really wants to be a vegetarian , later on a vegan ! he loves animals so much , has seen so many documentaries where he knows fucking animal slaughterhouses and meat is like the number one cause of the green house effect ( especially slaughter houses , watch cowspiracy on netflix to get an idea ) , but he’s a broke ass bitch right now and just eats whatever , when he’s even hungry . he always tells himself that if he ever has money ( HAHAHA LITTLE DO YOU KNOW ALEKS ) that he’s definitely going to become a big ass vegan . loves cows so much , would dead ass go ‘ moo ’ if he were to ever meet one and would probably be upset if they don’t moo back at him 🤡

he has never left california , literally ever . he’s been nearly all around cali , but has never left , not even to another state – it’s legit all he knows . he really , really wants to travel , take a road trip down to mexico ( literally even knows some okay spanish from being friends with so many mexicans and central and south americans ) like , he just really wants to go anywhere . he’d like to visit his parents’ hometown , a little town in norway named stavanger . he wants to go all around south america , buenos aires , rio de janeiro , lima , he just wants to go places and see life from outside the shithole he’s been stuck in since forever , and one day he will do it ( when he finally finds that fucking money damn ) . if he could choose to live anywhere , he would probably wanna go to his family roots , in norway . he already speaks the language so it should be fairly easy ( kind of wild how he wants to do all this yet he wants to die at the same time .... sad boi hours tbh )

may not look like it , but he really can kick your ass if he wants to ( that karate / boxing in him be like 😜 ) . if you see him from far , he looks like a little soft angel ( baby face that will never go away ngl ) but don’t let his physical appearance fool you ! he will dead ass high kick someone in the face if he has to , no remorse . he isn’t as violent anymore compared to when he was a teen , but if he feels like he’s going to be attacked or feels like you genuinely want to physically hurt him , he won’t hesitate to fuck you up

even though he’s grown a tougher shell over the years , he’s very low key still a softy . deep down inside , he’s still that little kid that would cry whenever people were mean to him . he can be very sensitive and compassionate ..... but on the inside . obviously he no longer bursts into tears like he used to as a little kid , but contrary to popular belief , if you really get to know him , he’s soft . shows with how much he loves animals , and it’s weird because he doesn’t like being touched unexpectedly , looks like a bad ass and acts like one , but deep down ? soft ass heart , too soft for this world , needs to find the right person to actually connect with and cuddle gdi

he has the tiniest little scar , right below his right eye , where kyle decked him ( left handed punch ) . it’s really barely even noticeable , and lots of people who have short conversations with him won’t even realize . if you’re talking to him for a while , and really admire his face though , you’ll notice it . again , not a huge scar , not super prominent , really blends in with his skin , and usually something most people miss , but it’s there

i’m gonna end this here because this is long and i’m going to leave connections to brain storming , but below is his birthchart !

#hqclique.intro #foster care system tw #violence tw #injury tw #death tw #guns tw #shooting tw #suicidal thoughts tw #alcohol abuse tw #drug abuse tw #blood mention tw #i feel this deserves sooo many tws #lmk if i'm missing one!!#this took me an embarrassing amount of time tbh i'm so ashamed damn #( queuekachu ! )#mental illness tw

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nightingiall · 5 years ago

Text

head in the clouds: part vi

{story page} // {wattpad} // {characters}

It’s day three of a heat wave that has settled over the area and Rory is over it.

If she has to spend five more minutes sitting on her lifeguard chair then she thinks she’ll actually pass out. The umbrella is doing a fine job of keeping her sheltered from the sun, but it traps heat underneath, making her feel like she’s in the middle of a fireball.

And it’s not just her. Every time they have to rotate positions, Rory catches the rest of the lifeguards struggling with the heat as well. Zafar and Shane have gotten rid of their shirts, pouring water from their bottles onto their skin. Callie and Alejandra go as far as getting into the pool with the excuse of fixing the dividers. Niall, behind her in the rotation yet again and who also has his shirt off, gets himself some ice from the bar, sharing some with Rory, and she’s eternally grateful for him.

She’s noticed that he does that a lot, looks out for her, even when she isn’t paying attention. He’s always asking if she’s alright, always offering water or a snack. Alejandra, who has been in front of her in the rotation for the past few days, is the one to bring to her attention the fact that he even pays extra attention to her side of the pool whenever she gets too lost in her sketchbook.

That part makes her feel a bit guilty.

So she forgoes the sketchbook for today, which she’s slightly regretting now because she has nothing to take her mind off the unbearable heat. She’s also a bit irritated because the children are acting wilder than usual, even though it’s way too hot to be frolicking around like they do, and she’s lost count of the amount of times she blows on her whistle and shouts “Walk, don’t run!”

It doesn’t help that their day is as uneventful as it usually is. They sound their whistles and yell warnings occasionally but apart from that, nothing really happens. Which is why when closing time finally comes around and it’s time to usher everyone out of the pool, Rory is so happy that she nearly falls right off her lifeguard chair in her attempt to get off of it.

“Thank god this is over,” Shane declares loudly, groaning as he steps off his chair. With his blonde hair and dark eyes, he looks like a golden retriever panting for breath. “First the tropical storm, now this? Can’t we just have a nice, warm summer day for once.”

From the other side of the pool, Zafar and Callie make sounds of agreement. “Hey,” Zafar calls out, eyes glinting mischievously. “How ‘bout a post-shift dip?”

They all cheer at that. “Don’t mind if I do!” exclaims Alejandra, and before anyone can blink, she’s already cannonballing into the pool. They laugh and whoop as water splashes over them, one-by-one jumping in. On a regular day, they would never do this. Truthfully, they’re not really allowed to. But all of the managers are away for the weekend for some hospitality conference and the trustees are having a dinner somewhere away from the resort so there’s no one around to tell them otherwise.

The water feels phenomenal on Rory’s skin, the coolness of it immensely refreshing after a day spent baking in the sun. She does a few lazy laps back and forth before contenting herself with simply floating across the surface. By the time she gets back to the other side, the others are all huddled in a loose circle, lost in a slightly heated conversation.

“Okay but look at these biceps,” Shane gloats, flexing to give them all a visual. “How can you resist these?”

“Looks aren’t everything, mate,” Niall says sagely from where he’s lounging at the shallow end, arms resting on the ledge, and Rory tries not to stare at his biceps. He’s developed a gorgeous tan over the course of the summer, skin evenly golden, and she thinks it’s perhaps the best thing she’s ever seen. After all, it pairs perfectly with the brightness of his signature grin.

“Thank you!” Alejandra huffs, throwing her hands up in the air, glad that someone of the opposite gender finally agrees with her. Then, to Shane, she says, “This whining is exactly why I won’t go out with you.”

At that, Rory laughs, finally understanding the conversation. Shane has been trying to get Alejandra to go out with him for the past few years only to get constantly rejected. She has to give it to him though, he is persistent. Besides, he’s not creepy and Alejandra seems to enjoy the attention sometimes. It’s all become a running joke.

“And anyway,” pipes up Callie from where she’s lazily pushing herself off the wall, “Zafar has the best biceps. Not you.” There’s a roar of laughter at that and Shane splashes Callie in response, leading to all of them disjointedly swimming around to avoid being doused.

They simmer down as quickly as they begin, mindful of not drawing too much attention to themselves lest they somehow get in trouble, even though the chances of that are slim. Their giggles, nonetheless, still bounce off the water as Shane, Callie, and Zafar continue to egg each other on.

“To be honest,” Zafar announces, leaning back against the ledge and sending them all a cocky smile. “I do have the best features here. Best biceps, best abs, best face, best jawline...”

They guffaw again, splashing him now. “To be fair,” Niall gets out through the chaos, one hand up to shield himself from stray droplets. “Rory’s the one with the best jawline.” He’s grinning at her again, eyes sparkling, and she feels like she may possibly melt, this time not because of the sun. “I mean, look at it. It’s like it can cut steel.”

She hopes no one points out the way she’s blushing, hopes that it can pass for sunburn or something. Still, she turns her face slightly to hide it, jutting out her chin to show off her jawline and grinning wildly when Callie, Shane, and Alejandra agree with Niall, much to Zafar’s chagrin. “Yeah and no offense Zafar,” she starts, slinking deeper into the water because she senses another round of splashing coming up soon. “But Alejandra is the one with the killer abs here.”

Just as she suspected, they start with the messiness again, and this time Shane attempts to dunk Zafar, resulting in a resounding proclamation of “No dunking!” from all of them. Then they laugh again because lifeguard habits are tough ones to break.

They calm down eventually, enjoying the last bits of light as the sun begins its slow descent, bathing them all in the rich tones of golden hour. Rory’s trailing around aimlessly until she spots Niall at the far end of the pool, taken by the way the light seems to complement him so well as he drifts around, seemingly lost in thought, and she finds herself swimming over to him.

“Boo!” She jumps on his back and he immediately catches her, losing balance only slightly, hands grabbing at the back of her knees when her legs float up beside him. He grunts before he catches his footing again, yelping about his sunnies which have fallen into the water in the midst of their tousle. Rory laughs and quickly fishes them out before they sink, resting them on his wet hair where they were before. “Jawline of steel, huh?” she remarks, giggling against his shoulder.

He huffs out a laugh too, starting to glide along the curve of the pool. “Yeah, they’re cutting into my shoulder right now.” His voice is dry and sarcastic but Rory knows he’s smiling. “You going to the party tonight?”

She hops off his back so she can drift beside him, thinking of how it’ll be so hard to get out of this pool and back into the stifling summer heat. “What party?” She thinks she’s gone to enough parties over the course of the summer. Also, they should all probably start to lay off the alcohol. Their bodies would thank them later.

Niall’s eyes catch the light reflecting off the water in the pool and all she can think about then is how much brighter they are than the clear sky above them. “Greg and Will’s party.”

Rory huffs to herself at the names, recognizing them as Jasper’s friends who were huddled next to him that day of the storm. The last thing she wants to do is go to their party. She doesn’t mention this to Niall, though, even if he would understand since she’s already shared that part of her life with him. Instead, she says, “I dunno. I’ll think about it.”

He grins at her then, sliding his sunnies back onto his face even though what’s left of daylight will be gone soon. “Well, if you decide to go, I hope to catch ya there.”

They end up next to the others again, all of them agreeing that they should get going since it would be dark soon. Still, they all take their time, in no rush whatsoever, lazily drifting to the edges before begrudgingly pulling themselves out. The air isn’t as stuffy as it was earlier, largely because the sun has now gone down, but it’s still extremely warm.

They grab their things from their lifeguard chairs before heading over to the locker rooms, the girls waving goodbye to the boys when they split at the diverging path that separates the two. Callie doesn’t bother getting changed, instead heading off to her place which isn’t too far from there, so Rory and Alejandra head inside together.

They both attempt to dry off as much as they can before they head into separate stalls to change. “So,” Alejandra starts when they’re done, dabbing a microfiber towel against her hair, “You and Niall Horan, eh?”

“Shut up.” Rory rolls her eyes, laughing because it seems as though this is becoming a running gag of the summer, everyone pointing out the obvious chemistry between her and Niall. “Am I really making it that obvious?”

Alejandra simply shrugs, a sly grin growing along her face. “Well maybe not to everyone else. But I’ve known you long enough to recognize that look on your face.” There’s a flurry of activity just outside the locker room for a moment, both of them pausing to make sure no one is about to walk in and brushing it off when it turns out to be nothing. “Also, you spent the first half of the summer just using his last name and now you call him Niall which basically means you love him.”

“Oh my god,” Rory huffs, throwing her wet towel at her, which only makes Alejandra laugh. “You’re worse than Gigi.”

Alejandra tosses the towel back at her, busying herself with packing up her wet clothing and closing up her locker. “Well, I just hope the two of you are on the same page. Don’t want anyone else making a move on your man.”

Rory shrugs that off, both of them grabbing their things and heading out. But as they walk down the path that will lead them to the Residences, she can’t help but let Alejandra’s comment take root in her mind and think that perhaps she has a point.

***

Time has the uncanny ability of speeding up when the fun is just beginning.

It’s all Rory can think about now. How little time they have left. How in just a few weeks, she’ll be spending her last day ever at Hightstown, as a seasonal employee at least, with new prospects looming on the horizon.

There are 21 days left of summer and maybe she should tell Niall how she feels.

***

Rory ends up going to the party.

Even Gigi is so surprised when she sees her dressed and ready to go that she does a double take. It’s not that it’s out of character for Rory to go to a party—after all, the entirety of how this summer was spent goes completely against that notion—it’s just that she’s not one to mingle with people she’d rather throw things at. But Rory figures that enough people will be at this party for her to not have to interact with Greg and Will. It is being held at the Shacks, after all, and she tells Gigi as much when she’s interrogated by her about it.

Sure enough, when they get there, the place—one of the flashiest ones on the grounds since the hosts have money up to their eyeballs—is brimming with people. Employees usually refrain from having parties of this size because of the potential for noise complaints and getting in trouble since they’re technically not allowed to throw their own big gatherings. But the rich ones always get away with it. There have been times when she spotted the occasional faculty at one of these Shack parties.

“Roryyyy!” Harry spots her immediately as she walks through the door, having left Gigi outside to catch up with her Shack boy toy. He slips through a few people to get to her, bumping a few shoulders along the way, and he appears to already be tipsy. “Wasn’t expecting you here.” He throws an arm around her shoulder and leads her to where the drinks are, awkwardly knocking into people on the way because the house is packed with sweaty, drunk bodies. She tries to scan the room as best she can, but it’s too crowded to tell if the person she came for is even here.

It’s been all of two minutes since she’s arrived and her hands are already clammy, skin tight with anticipation, that she has to shake her head at herself over how silly she’s being. Harry seems oblivious to her inner turmoil, though, sliding her a shot of something very alcoholic. They bump their plastic shot cups together and quickly down the smooth, clear liquid, grimacing slightly as it burns down their throats.

She looks over at Harry to ask what the drink even is, only to find his face scrunched up hilariously. “That was actually disgusting,” he groans, shuddering. But when he opens his eyes, his dimples press deep into his cheeks as he grins over at her, slamming his plastic cup down onto the makeshift bar top. “Want another one?”

She laughs at that, rolling her eyes but nodding at him anyway, watching as he clumsily pours them another shot. This one goes down better than the first.

By the time he’s pulling her in the direction of where she assumes the rest of their friends are, the alcohol is already rushing through her veins and bursting into her bloodstream. Her limbs feel loose and she’s more relaxed than when she first arrived. Harry leads her to a room at the back of the house that has been set up as a sort of gameroom. There’s a group of people playing cards against humanity in one corner, another seemingly immersed in a game of flip cup.

She hears him before she sees him, his loud laugh bouncing off the walls and effectively cutting through the general clamor of the room. She swears that laugh is like a siren call or something.

“Rors!” he exclaims happily when he spots her, eyes lit up like supernovas as he navigates himself out of the group playing drunk jenga. She doesn’t have the chance to mentally prepare for the way he approaches her, arms outstretched wide, and gathers her into his space, wrapping her in a clumsy albeit warm embrace. “You made it,” he murmurs into her hair, voice hushed as though he only means for her to hear. When he pulls away she’s met with the sight of his usual grin, softened around the edges this time, eyes taking on a sort of bleariness that tells her he’s had a bit to drink.

“Yeah,” she breathes out, smiling back at him because her brain isn’t functioning enough for her to do much else. She’s too consumed by him, the way the warmth of his skin is still lingering on hers, the scent of his cologne drifting in the air between them. If she didn’t have those shots with Harry then she thinks she could get drunk off the way she feels in Niall’s presence alone.

He laces his fingers into hers and pulls her in the direction from which he came, and just like that, she’s sucked right into his orbit again. “Play drunk jenga with us! But just so you know, I am winning so far.” Rory’s heart gives a slight stutter in her chest at the way he turns around and winks at her.

“Don’t lie to her, Niall,” complains someone from within the group, and when the rest of the world comes into focus again, Rory finds that it’s none other than Leslie, who grins wildly and knowingly at her when they make eye contact. “I’m the one winning, clearly.” She gestures around to the rest of the group, consisting of Alejandra, Shane, Callie, and two other people Rory doesn’t know, all of them wobbling on their feet slightly.

“Does anyone ever win at drunk jenga...” Rory asks, even though they’re all aware of how much Leslie can drink them under the table. That girl has a killer tolerance. They all share a laugh and Rory easily falls into stride with them, accepting a drink Niall slides to her and observing as they resume the game.

It’s Alejandra’s turn, and they all watch her examine the precariously placed tower, her fingers landing on a carefully chosen block as she tries to maneuver it out without tipping the whole thing over. Once she successfully manages, she reads out what’s written on the block to herself and then groans. “King’s Cup,” she announces with a roll of her eyes, “I hate that one.”

There’s only ever one King’s Cup block in the drunk jenga pile and it’s always the least coveted one, which is why they all let out a series of cheers that they weren’t the ones to draw it before Shane grabs a clean cup for Alejandra. When someone draws King’s Cup, everyone pours a bit of their drink into one for the person, in this case Alejandra, to drink. The concoction, no matter who is playing, always turns out to be disgusting and is a surefire method to get someone well on the way to being drunk.

Alejandra gags as she takes a sip of the drink, and despite the fact that it’s not her in that position, Rory still cringes at her friend. She gets distracted, though, from the way a certain blue-eyed boy places a hand at the dip of her waist.

It happens again, being caught up in everything about him, in the way his chest nearly presses to her back, in the way her skin craves the warmth of his body, in the way his laugh tickles at her ear because he’s standing so close. “Lucky we didn’t get that one, eh?” he murmurs to her, and when she looks up at him, she finds him leaning in so much that her breath gets caught in her throat. His eyes absolutely sparkle as he grins, lips so close that she could just shift forward an inch and she could kiss them. “Don’t think you’d survive a King’s Cup anyway.”

At that, she wrinkles her nose at him, giving him a light shove and rolling her eyes at the way he laughs. “I can handle my alcohol, thank you very much,” she gripes, turning away from him. She thinks that if she stares at him any longer she won’t be able to control what she does next. “And besides, you’re the one who’s already had way more to drink than I have.”

Callie, who appears to be well over tipsy, ends up toppling the tower at her turn, much to Alejandra’s relief as she declares that the only thing she’ll be drinking for the rest of the night is water. They all disperse to let another group play. Niall tangles his fingers within Rory’s again, this time pulling her in the direction of the back patio, murmuring something about needing some air. She didn’t realize how loud it was inside until Niall is sliding the glass door shut behind them, the quiet chirp of crickets, singing a song only they know, filling the space between them instead of the raucous sounds from the party.

The muggy summer air settles heavily in her chest, and she feels it more completely when they take a seat together on one of the large patio loungers. When she realizes Niall is still holding her hand, the feeling only grows tenfold, drapes over her like a heavy sheet of metal. It reminds her that summer is almost over and she hasn’t yet told Niall how she feels about him.

When she looks over at him, he’s already watching her, the corners of his lips quirked up in a half smile, eyes glimmering like the stars in the sky above them. “What’re you thinking so hard about?” he whispers, even if there’s no one close enough to hear, even if there’s barely any space between them. He reaches out with his free hand to brush away the strands of hair the slight breeze had blown into her face, tucking them gently behind her ear. “You’re quieter than usual.”

Rory huffs out a laugh which only makes his smile grow. She shrugs, looking down at their interlaced fingers because she can’t look at him for too long. Because when she does, a sort of anticipation builds in her chest, like a rolling tidal wave building up momentum from the middle of the ocean, waiting to crash into the shore. Because when she does, she feels unspoken words rush through her veins and up her throat, all slamming into one another when they’re just about to meet her tongue, becoming a tangled ball that becomes lodged in her windpipe and she suddenly forgets how to breathe.

Niall squeezes her fingers the tiniest bit, waiting, expecting. Rory wonders why it’s so hard for her to just spit it out, to just lay all her emotions out in the empty space between them. She’s never had a problem with talking about her feelings before, especially when it came to liking someone so much that she could hardly contain herself.

Or maybe that’s why. It’s difficult because of how different it is with Niall, because of how intensely her feelings roll through her whenever she’s in his presence. It’s stronger than Fourth of July fireworks. It’s more powerful than anything she’s ever felt. And she can’t help but wonder: what if he doesn’t like her back? What if, she says something, and ruins a friendship they’ve spent all summer creating?

“Rory.” Niall’s voice is snapping her out of her thoughts again, a gentle smile on his beautiful face. His fingers keep brushing hair behind her ear even though the wind has stopped whisking it into her face. When he speaks again, there’s the beginnings of a laugh knocking around in his throat. “Where are you, love? It’s like you’ve always got your head in the clouds.”

She makes a guilty sort of face at him when he playfully nudges at her chin. “Sorry,” she mumbles, the breeze picking up again and nearly carrying her voice away. “I guess I just daydream a lot.”

He breathes out a laugh, tugging their intertwined hands closer to him, sweet smile unwavering. “It’s okay. It’s cute.” Rory is so struck by his words and the way he looks when he says them that she almost wishes she had her nice charcoal pencils to immortalize it on paper. She wonders if it were possible to draw the way she feels too. At least that way it would be easier, since she could just show him instead of having to use her words. “Besides, I probably talk too much anyway,” he shrugs.

He always does that, says something sweet or gives her a compliment only to follow it up with a lighthearted joke. Does that mean something? Her mind is buzzing with all sorts of thoughts and she hates the feeling it gives her, how uncertain it makes her. It would really just be easier to tell him right now. After all, she’s got a few shots of liquid luck in her and the moment seems good enough, the two of them alone under the night sky, hands laced together, a multitude of feelings laying unspoken between them.

She takes a breath. “I guess I was just trying to figure out how to tell you that I—”

“Yoooo!” There’s a crash sounding from the glass door as it gets slid open and Shane and Zafar come barreling out. “Y’all just missed the most epic fight between Greg and this other dude. Greg kicked him out for trying to steal one of their expensive bottles of whiskey.” The two of them are too caught up in their laughter as they relay their story to notice the moment they broke between her and Niall.

Rory is too stunned by this interruption of her near-admission to even think of a response, so Niall, as always, fills in with a laugh of his own. But something is off about it. She turns to look at him because of how unlike him it sounds, as though he felt it too, whatever it is between them, and is not appreciative of being disrupted.

More people begin to trickle out, presumably to avoid the aftereffects of the fight. Greg is known to go on and on about that sort of thing and it generally annoys others. She notices that Niall’s hand is no longer in hers, her skin getting cold once the memory of his warmth evaporates. She doesn’t know who lets go first.

“Friends!” exclaims a very drunk Callie, holding up a wine bottle that appears to be on the brink of empty. “Thank god I found you guys. There’s so much drama happening in there.” She slumps down into the seat across from them, Shane and Zafar pulling up more chairs to do the same. Niall starts up a conversation with them as Rory watches Alejandra, Gigi, and Harry filter out too.

“Watcha up to?” Gigi asks as she takes a seat next to Rory, nudging her slightly. Her big brown eyes are alight with excitement as she gestures as discreetly as she can towards Niall. A silent question: “Are you two a thing yet?”

Rory doesn’t know what to do except shrug, averting her eyes as she mumbles out a noncommittal, “Nothing much.” She can’t help the way disappointment simmers through her, hot and bubbling like a pot of milk on the stove about to overflow.

Gigi seems to sense this, nudging her softer this time, and when their eyes meet, Rory can see understanding wash over her kind face. She sends her a reassuring look now, one that says: “Everything will work out.” And, in that moment, Rory is thankful for her best friend.

Beside her, Niall gets pulled into a conversation with the rest of the boys, shifting away enough that Alejandra is able to squeeze in between them. She throws an arm over Rory’s shoulders, gesturing conspiratorially to Gigi for her to huddle in as well. When Gigi leans in, she whispers, “Listen, I know Callie is drunk off her ass right now and I love that girl but I heard her say something real sketchy about trying to get with—”

“Oh my gosh, you guys,” Callie all but screeches, and when they look over at her, she’s teetering on the edge of her seat, holding up the now empty wine bottle, watching it as if she’s had the most enlightening revelation. “Let’s play spin the bottle!”

Gigi huffs at that, not even bothering to hide the way she rolls her eyes. “What are we in middle school? We’re too old to be playing spin the bottle.” Rory, for her part, doesn’t really care. She’s still trying to figure out what Alejandra was talking about.

“Hey, don’t hate on spin the bottle,” says Shane, head perking up from whatever conversation he was having with the boys. He’s out of his seat in moments, taking the bottle from Callie and holding it up as though it’s a trophy of some sort. “It’s not a party if we don’t play!”

The bottle is placed on the table, Shane's fingers already moving to spin it. He looks up at Alejandra and waggles his eyebrows, sending her a wink for good measure, which leads to Zafar and Gigi teasing, “At this rate we hope it doesn’t land on Alejandra!” and “You’ll never get a girl with this fuckboy behavior.”

Shane sends them a scathing look and spins the bottle. They watch it go around and around for what seems to be an eternity. Beside Rory, Alejandra has stiffened, her arm that is still draped across Rory’s shoulders tensing the slightest bit, and Rory thinks of the uproar that would ensue if it actually landed on her. She grins at the thought.

The bottle finally stops spinning and it doesn’t face Alejandra. Instead, it points at Harry. This still causes uproar, with everyone screaming their heads off at this twist. Alejandra whoops cheerfully and Rory has to swipe at the tears that have sprung to her eyes from laughing so hard. Shane, for his part, turns impossibly red, all traces of bravado dissipating into the night. “Uhhh,” he stammers, much to everyone’s amusement, as he watches Harry warily, “we don’t have to like—”

“What happened to not hating on spin the bottle?” Harry’s grinning wildly, rising from his seat and walking slowly towards Shane, whose eyes have grown to the size of saucepans. “You know the rules of the game, Shaney.” A collective gasp echoes around the group when Harry presses his hands to Shane’s face, someone murmuring “holy shit” somewhere just as a croaking sound emanates from Shane’s throat when Harry slowly inches closer.

“Okay, fine, fine!” Shane yelps, shooting backwards out of Harry’s grasp, and everyone starts roaring of laughter again. “Fine I was being an asshole!”

Alejandra scoffs, rolling her eyes. To Rory and Gigi, she says, “I knew he wouldn’t have the balls.” Then, to the rest of the group, she pointedly adds, “Guys always want to watch the girls make out with each other in this game but never want to hold up their end of the bargain unless it’s convenient to them.”

A low hum ripples through the group, someone murmuring “Oooooh, burn,” and Shane’s face is glowing bright red now. He groans at the way everyone continues to egg him on before finally muttering “Fine!” and grabbing Harry’s face, pressing the quickest kiss to the corner of his mouth, and the screams start up again.

Rory catches Niall’s eye, his cheeks ruddy from laughing hysterically, and he shakes his head as though to say: “Our friends are mad, aren’t they.” She simply grins at him, once again finding herself wishing that she had her sketchbook so she could draw the way his hair flops onto his forehead, wilted from the humidity, or the way the folded hem of his shirt sleeves come undone a bit, the loose edge flicking about in a random gust of wind.

“My turn!” Callie slurs over the noise, and before anyone can protest, she’s reaching over and spinning the bottle. Rory isn’t sure how exactly it happens, but in her head, it’s like this: the bottle spirals before moving in slow motion, nearly halting at different people, waiting, teasing, as though it’s alive and full of mischief; everyone quiets, watching, waiting, and then it stops. And it points right at Niall.

Rory holds her breath as Callie smiles wickedly at him, wobbling her way towards him. Niall, for his part, simply laughs nervously, looking around as though for help. “Uhh, Callie. I wasn’t actually playing.”

“You know the rules of the game, Niall,” she retorts, repeating Harry’s words from earlier. Rory finds herself completing Alejandra’s earlier unfinished sentence in her head. Listen, I know Callie is drunk off her ass right now and I love that girl but I heard her say something real sketchy about trying to get with...Niall…? “We’ve never made out before,” Callie says to him now, “it’ll be fun.”

“Jesus, Callie, he said he’s not playing,” Gigi grits out. She looks as though she’s about two seconds away from starting a fight. “What ever happened to consent around here?”

Either Callie doesn’t hear or she just ignores her, because she leans places her hands on Niall’s shoulders, leaning closer and closer—Rory’s starting to feel lightheaded because she hasn’t taken a single breath since this entire thing began—and Niall leans back until he can’t anymore, the back of the chair he’s on blocking his movement. Just as her lips are about to meet his, everyone gets distracted by Leslie barreling out the glass doors, tripping over something in her excitement, but Rory catches the way he turns his face at the last second, Callie’s lips never meeting his skin.

“Aye!” Leslie calls out, holding up red solo cups. “Beer pong tournament in five! Let’s see if someone can finally beat me.”

At that, Callie groans, pushing herself off Niall to give Leslie a scathing look. Everyone else is quiet, too shocked by what just happened. “We’re playing spin the bottle.”

Leslie gives them all an incredulous look. “What? Why? Haven’t you all made out with each other already?”

That lightens the mood enough that people start to head inside. Rory takes in a deep breath, looking over at Alejandra and Gigi to see if they’re as weirded out as she is. “Right,” Alejandra says, rubbing Rory’s shoulder reassuringly, “that’s what I was trying to warn you about.”

Gigi huffs. “I could punch that girl right now. That was so fucked up. Did she run out of other Shack boys to pull that bullshit on or something?”

They all get up to walk into the house together. Niall passes by her in her peripheral but she avoids his gaze. When they’re all inside they find that the tables for beer pong have been set up. The air is buzzing with excitement because apparently the only person to ever come close to beating Leslie is, of course, Niall.

Her eyes scan the room and find him immediately, but she can instantly tell that something is off. His shoulders are squared and tense, jaw clenched slightly, and it's as though she can see the way slight irritation is buzzing through him. The flush on his cheeks is what gives him away. He’s watching her when she starts towards him, already having tossed the ball and landed his first shot. “Good luck,” she says quietly when she’s close.

“Rory.” His fingers close around her wrist when she moves to walk away. His opponent takes a shot and misses. “The thing that just happened—”

“Hey, Rory!” Someone is grabbing her other wrist and she’s surprised to find it’s none other than Johnny Torres. She gets a flashback to earlier in the summer when Niall asked her about him. He seems to remember too because he drops her hand and busies himself with readying his next shot. “Haven’t seen you in a while, babe.”

Rory cringes on the inside. Standing between Johnny and Niall, she feels like she’s being pulled between two versions of herself. A past her, who was impulsive and lonely and craved physical attention when intoxicated and a new her, who didn’t need a drink to feel like she was having a good time, whose heart was whole and healed, who maybe still craved physicality but only from one person.

“Hey, Johnny,” she replies, trying to sound as cordial as possible while also trying to think of a way to kindly tell him to fuck off. “What’s up?”

She’s hyperaware of Niall’s presence behind her, how it feels like he’s staring at her, even though he perfectly lands another shot into his opponent’s cup. Johnny’s hand is still on her wrist. “I’m about to go beat Zafar’s ass at beer pong. Wanna come watch?”

“Umm.” She gestures behind her where Niall is standing. “I’m kind of having a conversation with—”

“It’s alright, Rors,” Niall says, and she turns around to watch him sink yet another perfect shot. He turns to her with a smile, but it’s not real, it doesn’t meet his eyes. “I’ll catch up with you later, yeah?”

She’s barely getting the words, “Yeah, okay,” out of her mouth before she’s being tugged to a different table. Johnny Torres is saying something to her, talking a million miles a minute, but she can’t focus on him, instead turning back to look at Niall. His spine is rigid as he aims the ping pong ball, tossing it so hard that it knocks one of the cups over. His opponent yelps as beer spills everywhere and the frustration on Niall’s face melts away as he apologizes profusely.

“Right, Rory?” The sound of Johnny’s voice has her head snapping back towards him, and she finds that his brows are raised, asking an unspoken question, but she wasn’t listening to a thing he’s been saying.

She shakes her head to herself, as though attempting to rid her mind of the haze it seems to be stuck in. She has no idea why everything is so weird right now. “Sorry, what?”

Johnny doesn’t seem to mind her lack of attention because he smiles sweetly at her, brown eyes kind and familiar. “You’re in another world today, aren’t you?” he laughs, taking a sip of the drink Zafar tossed the ball into. His free hand finds the small of her back, gently pulling her closer, and she has to press her hands to his chest to keep from getting too near. He notices that, perceptive as he is, and gives her a scrutinizing sort of look. “Not in the mood?”

A sigh of relief ripples through her and he lets her go, kind smile unwavering. “Sorry,” she breathes, brushing her hair from her face. “I’m just all over the place today.”

He laughs, and it’s then that she remembers how attractive he is. Kind, sensitive Johnny. She hopes he finds someone who deserves him one day. “No worries, babe,” he says, nudging her nose slightly, which makes her laugh too. “You could’ve just told me.”

They chat for a bit in between his game, catching up on various tidbits of gossip—Johnny works in the spa so he hears all the good stuff—and laughing together all while he lands shot after shot, easily beating his opponent. When he has to move on to his next game, he asks if she’d like to join him again, but she uses the opportunity to excuse herself, heading over to the makeshift bar for a drink.

Alejandra and Gigi find her just as she’s mixing up a Jack and Coke for herself. “Rory,” Gigi hisses, pulling her to a corner and Rory frowns at her friend. “What are you doing flirting with Johnny Torres?”

Rory’s brows furrow, her frown etching deeper into her face. “I wasn’t? We were just catching up. We are friends, you know.”

Alejandra sighs at that, crossing her arms over her chest. “Yeah, well that’s not what it looked like.” Rory grimaces at her words, taking a sip of her drink because this night, which she wanted to be about telling Niall the truth of how she feels for him, is now shaping up to be a highly stressful one. “It looked like Niall was ready to throw the whole table at Torres the entire time.”

Rory feels her heart skip a beat in her chest. She doesn’t know how to respond to this. It turns out that she doesn’t have to because they’re being interrupted by Leslie announcing that the tournament has moved on to Niall and Johnny against each other, and the winner of that round will face off against her, the self-proclaimed—and rightfully so—beer pong champion of Hightstown.

Rory watches as Niall smiles cordially at Johnny, greeting him with a handshake and a wish of good luck, and she sighs to herself. Niall Horan being outwardly aggressive towards someone else? She thinks back to when she confided in him about last summer and how his first instinct was to comfort her with a hug. No matter what the situation is, his kind heart will always win out when deciding how he’ll react.

“Niall’s not that kind of guy,” she says softly to her friends, not taking her eyes off of him. He’s lining up a shot when he meets her gaze, like they’re magnets that are just drawn to each other, and she sends him a small smile and a thumbs up. However she and Johnny may have appeared to others from the outside, she hopes that gesture will give him all the reassurance he needs to realize that she’s only got eyes for him. She’s not sure if he gets it, but he smiles back, a softened version of his signature grin, as he tosses the ball. Everyone watches as it sails through the air and plonks perfectly into one of the hardest cups to land.

Clearly most people have fallen in love with Niall too because the cheer that reverberates around the room is so raucous that it echoes in Rory’s ears. Niall meets her eyes again, sending her a wink, grin growing wider across his face, and despite the fact that everyone is calling out his name, it appears that he’s only got eyes for her too.

“Well,” Gigi starts, nudging her slightly as Alejandra does the same on her other side, and she turns her attention back to them only to find that they’re smiling knowingly at her. “Then we hope he at least serves Torres’s ass in beer pong.”

They share a laugh at that, grabbing more drinks before heading towards the crowd to search for Harry. They find him towards Niall’s end of the table, taking photos of the match on Leslie’s phone, presumably for her to post to Instagram later. Once they’re all together, though, Rory starts to wish that she just stayed by herself at the bar because they relentlessly tease her about Niall. She knows it’s all in good fun, even if her skin feels like it’s on fire. They’re just always very vocal about their support in wanting her to have good things.

The night goes on in a blur of more drinks and screaming. Niall ends up winning against Johnny and is now facing off with Leslie. For someone who has gone through so many rounds of beer pong he’s holding up quite well, not really as drunk as Rory expects him to be. Well, he’s more sober than her at least, but she’s also way past the beer stage and well into the hard liquor one.

When Niall easily sails his ping pong ball into the last cup on Leslie’s side, the whole house feels as though it shakes with the intensity of everyone’s cheers. Rory doesn’t think anyone expected this to be something that captured the attention of everyone at the party, but it has been so long since anyone even came close to beating Leslie, much less actually winning against her, that it causes quite the stir. Rory, Gigi, and Harry are all screaming their heads off, jumping up and down like maniacs because of the thrill of it all. Leslie, for her part, takes it all in stride, always a good sport when it comes to these sorts of things, and she pats Niall on the shoulder and sends him a genuine smile when she congratulates him.

Then, when Niall finally turns around and catches her eyes, it’s as though the whole world goes quiet around them. For a moment, it’s just her and Niall, smiling widely at one another, that electric force field between them pulling them towards each other.

Until someone steps between them.

“Oh my gosh!” Callie squeals, throwing arms around his neck to pull him into a tight embrace. “You won!” Niall seems a bit thrown off by her approach but he loosely hugs her back regardless. Rory realizes that she’s just standing there, watching them. “Let’s celebrate later,” Callie tells him, stepping back, still wobbly on her feet, sending him a wink just before she turns away. “You know where to find me.”

Rory finds herself watching Callie walk off, distantly wondering where her sudden interest in Niall came from. Then she realizes that Callie lives in the Shacks, and the rich girls that are there usually aren’t interested in other boys who work on the grounds, only in the well-off ones around them.

“Hey,” Niall says, loud enough to be heard over the din of the party but soft enough for it to sound as though it’s directed only at her. When she looks up at him, she knows she’s drunk, because the light they’re standing under fans around him like a halo, blurry and feathered around the edges. He smiles at her in that soft and tranquil way of his and she suddenly doesn’t care about Callie or anyone else making moves on him because he’s looking at her with those sparkling blue eyes and nothing else matters.

“Hi,” she replies, smiling back at him. His cheeks are flushed and he’s got this fuzzy look in his eyes, an aftereffect of all the beer he’s consumed, but he’s still watching her so intensely that she thinks she could melt from it all. “Congrats on being the first person to ever beat Leslie at beer pong.”

He laughs at that, slipping his hands into his pockets, and Rory doesn’t know if she’s drunk and imagining things but it seems as though his flush grows slightly more pink. “Thanks.” Someone’s shoulder bumps into his as they pass by, the room crowded and warm, but he doesn’t take his eyes off her. “I was gonna ask if I can get you a drink but you sound like you really shouldn’t have any more alcohol.” She gasps dramatically at his words, feigning offense, but then giggling inanely as she belatedly realizes how slurred her words must have been. “Wanna come back to mine and say hello to Spike?”

She hums, mulling that over. While she would like nothing more than to spend more time with him, something about the way the trajectory of this night has gone holds her back. Which is why she says, “I was just about to head back to my place. Hanna from the kitchens gave me a slice of chocolate cake that is calling my name.” She sends him a grin for good measure.

He doesn’t miss a beat. “Okay. I can walk you back.”

“No, it’s fine,” she replies, shrugging, “I don’t wanna pull you away from all the fun. This is like...your moment.” It’s true. In the time she’s stood here talking to Niall there have been several people walking by just patting him on the back for his victory. He should probably stay and celebrate. “And it looks like there are others who really want you to stay.”

As soon as the words are out of her mouth she regrets it. She doesn’t mean to reference the whole Callie thing but she apparently has no filter at the moment, veins buzzing with the copious amounts of alcohol she’s consumed. Niall’s eyes flash with something she can’t quite catch but he blinks it away quickly, shrugging. “Don’t really care about others, to be honest.” He smiles, and Rory thinks her brain stops working. “I’d like to walk you home. If you’ll let me.”

And, well, she’s not going to refuse him. She’d be crazy to do that.

“Yeah, okay,” she says, gesturing towards the door. Niall expertly leads them through the crowd with a hand on the small of her back, stopped only a handful of times by people congratulating him or asking for another round. It was as though he won the World Cup or something with the excitement that was buzzing throughout the house. Although, beer pong is considered a serious event at Hightstown.

When they finally make it outside, the night air is cool when it hits her skin. It clears her mind, which is muddled from alcohol and all of her emotions. It’s only when she takes a deep breath of fresh air that she starts to think of how much happened tonight. From Niall holding her hand out on the back patio to Callie trying to make a move on him to the tension with Johnny Torres to Niall winning beer pong—it was all a bit…much.

Rory stumbles a bit as they go and Niall lets her lean into him so she doesn’t fall, even though he’s a bit drunk too, her hand clutching his arm. Every time she trips over a rock, he laughs. “You’re so drunk,” he gets out at one point, and they have to stop walking because his laughter is contagious and she gets overcome with giggles.

“We can’t stop!” She grabs his arm and begins walking again, nearly halfway to her place. “I want my chocolate cake, remember!”

“Ugh,” is what comes out of his mouth, and when she looks up at him, he’s rolling her eyes at her, that fond smile on his beautiful face again. “You’re so cute.”

Rory thinks she’s blushing all the way up to her hairline with the way her skin tingles. “Jesus, Niall, you can’t just say things like that,” she huffs. Apparently neither of them have a filter at this point. “And besides, after tonight, you’re the one everyone’s gonna be talking about.” When he gives her a curious look, she elaborates. “You’re like a hotshot now. Beer pong champ and a Shack boy? All the girls are gonna be falling at your feet.” Then she waggles her brows at him. “If they weren’t already, that is.”

Niall laughs but it doesn’t sound genuine. “Not really, no.”

She scoffs. They’re almost to her place now. “Nonsense. Have you seen yourself? I mean, Callie was basically drooling over you tonight. And she’s picky.” Somehow, in the midst of everything, she’s let go of his arm, so she doesn’t feel the way he stiffens. But then, she doesn’t have to be touching him to feel the palpable way his entire mood shifts.

“I dunno,” he shrugs, averting her eyes now. “I just kind of mind my own business. I’m not interested in the messiness of it all...the whole ‘Shack boy’ thing.”

He’s walking slightly ahead of her now, so she sees the way his shoulders are squared. It reminds her of how he looked when she was talking to Johnny Torres. Maybe it’s the way it’s clear that after tonight he can have his pick of any other beautiful girl on the grounds. Maybe it’s because she never really got to tell him how she feels and something makes her think: What if she never gets the opportunity to?

But Rory doesn’t stop, even though he’s clearly not into this conversation. “Why didn’t you do it?”

Niall keeps walking. He seems more sober than he was ten minutes ago. Rory, if anything, feels drunker. “Do what?”

She gulps, and it’s now that she realizes the feeling that’s stirring through her chest and crawling up her windpipe: insecurity. It’s such a heavy and stubborn emotion. It knows just how to burrow into the deepest parts of the mind and take root, unmoving and relentless. Watching someone else nearly kiss him made her realize how much she wouldn’t be able to take it, how much it would hurt if he didn’t choose her. “Why didn’t you stay back? Like, Callie was clearly into you. She even invited you to—” She takes a breath. She can’t finish that statement. “Why didn’t you—”

“Jesus Rory,” he huffs. The whole night she could see the way a complex emotion rippled through him, embedded into his body language, but it’s now that she can hear how annoyed he is. “I didn’t want to do anything with Callie.”

“I mean, I'm not judging you. It’s a party and that’s a thing. That happens. At parties. I think.” She doesn’t know what she’s saying anymore. It’s just nonsense words flowing out of her mouth as a sort of coping mechanism to deal with the possible rejection from the boy she’s spent all summer falling for.

Niall stops in his steps, turning his entire body towards her, probably so she can feel the weight of his glare because she sure does. “Are you fuckin’ serious right now?” His accent is thick with an emotion she’s never heard on him before. “You’re taking the piss, aren’t you?”

“What?” She shrinks in his gaze and he looks at her as though he wants her to say more. “I don’t know—”

She trails off at the way he huffs in frustration, carding his fingers through his hair. He turns around and walks away before turning back towards her. “Rory, there is no way you have no idea what I’m talking about. You can’t possibly be that oblivious.”

That thing happens again, where she forgets to breathe when he looks at her like he does, and she frowns at him. “Niall, what are you going on about?”

“Rory.” His hands scrub over his skin and it looks like he wants to rip his face off, his demeanor completely different. Rory wishes they were laughing at nothing like they were ten minutes ago. She wishes she never said anything. “Callie wasn’t the one I wanted to make out with!”

Her heart stops at the energy he’s radiating, and she realizes that there’s something she wants him to say, but she doesn’t know if he’ll say it. “Then...who—”

“You!” His cheeks are flushed scarlet, chest heaving, and it feels as though his voice echoes around them. Rory distantly realizes that they’re now standing in front of her place. “You, Rory. This whole summer it’s been—” Silence engulfs them. There’s a fire in his eyes that she’s never seen before, blue clouded with something that looks like want, like longing, like everything she feels lodged in her chest.

It happens so fast she has no time to even register anything. She just feels the way his hands grab her face and pulls her into him, and the last thing she sees before fervent lips are pressing against hers are electric blue eyes filled with desire. Niall kisses her so intensely, so passionately, that she’s caught off guard, nearly falling backwards before he’s catching her. One of his arms is wrapped around her waist as he holds her close, his free hand tucked delicately under her jaw, and she can’t help the way she melts into him, knees going absolutely weak.

She tilts her head and kisses him back with just as much fervor, a warmth surging through her that’s unlike anything she’s ever felt before. No one has ever kissed her like this, like they’ve been starved of her, like the world is ending and all they have is this moment, like they only have here and now and one chance to get it all right. It feels as though the world stops around them and the only forms of existence are Niall and Rory and all of their unspoken feelings being poured into an impassioned, heated kiss. It’s all encompassing and magical and so, so right.

Because Niall tastes of beer and sugar and summer. Of everything she’s ever wanted. Of everything she doesn’t want to let go of. And it’s dizzying and consuming and so incredibly perfect that she’s left clutching onto his shoulders and holding on for dear life. She sighs into his mouth and he pulls her in close, rolls her lower lip between his teeth and a sort of desperate sound leaves her throat. She doesn’t know where she begins and where he ends. She doesn’t care.

Her hands slide from his shoulders to his chest, fingers moving to curl into his shirt, and just as quickly as this all began, it stops, Niall stepping back quickly as though she’s hit some sort of switch. Her eyelids feel heavy as she tries to peel them open, blinking several times to regain her bearings. She’s acutely aware of the absence of him now, of how far he’s stepped back, of how the wind makes everything feel cold, even though it’s a warm summer night.

“I’m sorry,” Niall breathes out, but all she can focus on is the beautiful pink of his cheeks and shiny red of his lips and the way his soft brown hair flops onto his forehead, disheveled from the fingers he runs through them. “I shouldn’t have—I should’ve asked—”

Rory feels stuck in a daze. She thinks she’s forgotten how to speak. All she wants is Niall’s lips on hers again. “What?” He’s looking at her with wide, apologetic blue eyes and she has no idea why because that was quite possibly the most unforgettable moment of her life.

“I didn’t wanna ruin anything and now I’ve gone and—” His words are slurred and quick and she barely catches them. He nearly looks like he’s having a sort of existential crisis. “Goodnight, Rory,” he says quickly, and then just like that, he’s gone, turning off the main road towards the Shacks. She stumbles backwards until she somehow reaches the steps leading to her door, taking a seat as her brain tries to make sense of what just happened.

Her mind is blank, drunk on alcohol and a gorgeous boy. She brings her fingers to her lips, as though she can’t believe that Niall’s were pressed against them just moments ago. “Holy shit,” she breathes out into the night.

The wind howls softly, as though whispering it back to her.

***

Rory doesn’t know right from left or up from down. She can barely get her key into the lock. All she can think about is Niall Horan and his soft lips and warm hands and a kiss that has turned her whole life upside down.

If you asked her how many days of summer were left then she’d tell you she has no idea.

taglist: @thicksniall @itsaniallworldafterall @verorax @booksncoffee @halfpinthoran @stylishmuser @riptidehoran @awomanindeniall @brehonodea

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azdoine · 5 years ago

Text

So let’s talk about them cherubs.

I think it’s no secret that Calliope and Caliborn have always been deeply gendered characters in Homestuck, but (beyond fanart and enthusiastic headcanons) I personally haven’t seen a lot of engagement with their characters on that level. The most comprehensive readings of Calliope and Caliborn that I’ve seen have always been through the lens of metatext (Calliope and Caliborn as fandom avatars) or religion (Calliope and Caliborn as Gnostic figures).

With that in mind, I want to talk about the ways in which Calliope and Caliborn are gendered in Homestuck, and offer my own amateur reading of Calliope as a trans allegory.

Full disclosure, I love the epilogues, but I won’t be engaging with them here -- I view them as extracanonical, which is to say, I’d like to talk about them and their own presentation of Calliope’s story in another post.

Also, it’s Homestuck, so, you know. Sex, death, violence, and bigotry under the cut:

If we’re to read Calliope as a trans allegory, then we don’t need to look very far for evidence, because the text is very straightforward in suggesting it.

Almost as soon as we meet Calliope in the flesh for the first time, we’re confronted with the bleak reality of her desire for a more feminine embodiment:

'Callie Ohpeee’ serves as an aspirational figure for Calliope on multiple levels. Most obviously, she’s a vehicle for Calliope’s self-insertion into the wider world of paradox space and the alpha timeline (i.e. her self-insertion into the story of Homestuck); Callie Ohpeee is able to freely and directly interact with the elements and characters of the story that Calliope adores, while Calliope cannot. Somewhat less obviously, Calliope’s trollsona also serves as a way for her to imagine herself in non-caliginous relationships (which she desires on some level, but she feels she has been denied by her biology).

However, Calliope’s trollsona isn’t just a vehicle for her relationships and engagement with other people. Calliope’s trollsona is also key to the way in which Calliope desires to relate to herself.

Calliope desires to be attractive and feminine for her own sake: she desires to be beautiful and pretty, and her trollsona serves as the vehicle by which she satisfies this desire.

Calliope’s trollsona is quite literally her idealized feminine self, and so her relaxing “solo cosplay” sessions bring nothing more to mind than a trans woman privately enjoying a feminine presentation in the closet, as many trans women have. Her costumery and face paint imply clothes and makeup, and Caliborn takes on the role of a patriarch or patriarchy that tries to control her.

Ultimately, though, Calliope’s embodiment desires are cosmically validated by the unfolding drama of paradox space. Calliope is tormented by the apparent fact that she isn’t and can’t be Callie Ohpeee, but nevertheless, she successfully inserts herself into the lives of the alpha kids and the unfolding of the alpha timeline, forms the kinds of relationships that she wants, and receives the regard that she wants. She dies and takes on the form of her trollsona in the dream bubbles, and even when she’s physically reborn as her cherub self, she’s still “Callie” to Roxy, a meaningful nickname that goes basically unspoken.

Pretty straightforward, right? A trans girl learns that she and her body aren’t unlovable, makes friends and forms bonds as her true self, and escapes the reach of the forces that once abused her.

FEARFUL SYMMETRY

Before we can close the door on a trans reading of Calliope, we also have to consider Calliope and Caliborn as a pair, and not least because the two of them literally share the same body. Fair warning, we’re only going to get more speculative (and more indulgent) going forward.

Calliope and Caliborn are presented, at least superficially, as absolute and dichotomous opposites. They are two spirits that cannot coexist at once within the same body; their respective attitudes and temperaments couldn’t be any more different, and they are, of course, Muse and Lord: quintessentially passive and quintessentially active.

However, Calliope and Caliborn aren’t so different as one might think. Despite Caliborn’s violent protestations to the contrary, they share key characterizing interests in the likes of shipping...

...and art:

Caliborn is infamous for his disgust and anger with the absurdity of paradox space (i.e. his anger with the text of Homestuck itself), but Calliope is easily provoked into displaying the exact same petulant frustration with the direction of the story and the unfolding of events around her.

Calliope and Caliborn are consistently unified within the text -- not as incompatible opposites, but as two sides of the same coin. In Complacency of the Learned, Calliope and Caliborn are personified in the singular, androgynous Calmasis. In his chess match with Calliope, Caliborn disguises his king as his queen, and vice versa, signifying a mutual transgression and inversion of gender; Caliborn steals Calliope’s hemotyping and typing quirk, just as alternate!Calliope does the same to him, in a mutual appropriation not just of quirk (i.e. voice and presentation), but of blood, or life. On the level of the body, Caliborn’s skin is inextricably marked by the green that signifies Calliope, and Calliope is inextricably marked by Caliborn’s skull: the deaths-head he would inflict upon all life (and a hyperrealization of the masculine or unfeminine bone structure that troubles many trans women).

Most significantly, Aranea indicates to us that Calliope and Caliborn actually began as one being, which then went on to fracture into a male and female aspect, striving with and against each other -- a creation myth for gender and sexuality itself, in the vein of Plato’s Symposium, Rabbinic lore on Adam and Eve, and (rather topically) Hedwig and the Angry Inch.

With their fundamental unity in mind, we can read Calliope and Caliborn not just as ‘brother and sister’, but rather as two identities, personas, or aspects of one person. This is why, for example, calling a cherub by one of their two names brings that personality to the surface -- because, on a literal or symbolic level, it constitutes the active validation of that personality and identity, and the abject denial of the other.

Does all of this suggest a bigender, genderfluid, or otherwise non-binary reading of Calliope and Caliborn? Maybe, but let’s keep going, first.

Aranea’s exposition tells us that even adult, mature, ‘binary’ cherubs are still figures of gender duality, inversion, and transgression. Mating cherubs take on the forms of dueling cosmic serpents -- the sex act occurs between two hyperreal phallic symbols, suggesting male homosexuality in specific and queerness more broadly. It was Calliope’s biological father who ultimately submitted to their biological mother, and thus it was Calliope’s biological father who laid their egg, while their biological mother was the one to fertilize it, revealing the separation of sexual anatomy and power relations from gender among cherubs.

The gender dualities, inversions, and transgressions at play can still exist within cherubs who are, by all accounts, decisively male or female in gender identity -- despite the lack of of any way to assign them a sex or gender from the outside.

The dueling personalities within each young cherub are siblings to each other, but they are also different possible selves that the cosmically-transgender cherub might become as they grow to adulthood -- just as the dueling alternate selves of so many other characters can illuminate their own internal conflicts. In Homestuck, the inner life is always prone to manifest in the outer life, again and again.

I TRAGICALLY LOST A SISTER TO MURDER

Having established a reading of Calliope and Caliborn as two identities within one person -- as ‘Calmasis’ at odds with themself, containing multitudes and torn between them -- we can move on to look at the way Calliope and Caliborn relate to each other, and to gender, in order to get the bigger picture.

Caliborn introduces himself to us as undyingUmbrage, a username of largely straightforward meaning. His umbrage -- his anger, irritation, annoyance, or offense in the face of the world -- is neverending, everlasting, and eternal, and so too is his own life. Caliborn is immortal, allowing him to carry his rage forward forever.

If Caliborn’s username is simple, then Calliope’s is more sophisticated, which fits their characters. As uranianUmbra, her title invokes most obviously Uranus the planet and Urania the heavenly muse, but also the ‘uranian’, Karl Ulrichs’ antiquated title for gay men and trans women: those with an anima muliebris virili corpore inclusa, “a woman’s soul enclosed in a man’s body.” As the umbra, or darkest shadow, she invokes the Jungian shadow archetype, the suppressed, unconscious, or rejected aspect of the self.

As such, Calliope identifies and codes herself both as transfeminine and as Caliborn’s allegorical shadow archetype -- a part of himself that he can neither accept, acknowledge, or escape, perpetually haunting him. In-universe, Calliope names herself after Uranus’ topspin, and the ‘English’ of a cue-ball that it echoes -- thus, she implicitly identifies herself and the trans feminine uranian with the cue-ball that threatens Caliborn and Lord English. She symbolically establishes herself and the trans feminine as Caliborn’s only intrinsic vulnerabilities!

And on some level, Calliope tells us all of this! Because while Caliborn wants to destroy Calliope, she hopes to make him like her:

Calliope manifests a sincere investment in so many of the things that Caliborn orbits at a distance. Thus, to Caliborn, she represents a threat from within to his ability to maintain distance, because on some level, she serves as a manifestation of his own desire to draw closer. She confronts him with the reality of his own desire, or at least, with the latent possibility of his own sincere investment -- she serves to remind him that anyone who can waste as much time on creating Homosuck as he does is both an invested creative and sincerely invested in Homestuck on some level.

And it’s much the same on the level of gender, too. Calliope serves as a sincere reflection of the gender identity that Caliborn can only orbit at a distance. It was, after all, Caliborn’s idea to swap the king and queen chess pieces, and to disguise them as each other. Calliope lashes out at him because he cannot do so earnestly: because Caliborn makes a shitty twist out of his insincere production, because he can’t commit to swapping the places of the king and queen, and because he abuses Calliope’s willingness to swap the pieces (because he abuses and misdirects her inclination to gender transgression, and by extension, betrays the premises of his own idea).

This is why Caliborn kills Calliope’s dreamself instead of predominating over her in the conventional way -- not just because it’s easier and more convenient for him, but because his predomination would mean “consuming” her personality and “integrating” with it. It would constitute an integration with his shadow archetype, and thus, on some level, a partial destruction of the persona and ego he has established for himself. To Caliborn, as pathological as he has become, any level of integration with Calliope represents an existential threat, and so he has to cut her out of himself like a cancer.

But even having cut Calliope out of himself, Caliborn cannot escape her. By cutting her out of himself, he has defined himself around the hole she has left in him -- he has permanently divorced himself of the opportunity to integrate with her or accept what she represents. While both Caliborn and alt!Calliope take up each other’s typing quirks as a sign of victory, Caliborn takes Calliope’s quirk as a way by which he can signal his ‘wholeness’:

And this is, of course, complete bullshit and posturing of the highest order. Andrew Hussie not only directly characterizes the conflict between Caliborn and Calliope as an inner conflict within him, but he also tells him that his only path to maturity and personal growth was through integration with Calliope.

Not to be denied, Caliborn continues to constantly assert the self-justifying completion and authority of his masculinity, for himself and for others...

...but even so, he still can’t help but betray himself and his own idealized masculinity:

Masc4masc, Caliborn certainly isn’t! In his creative endeavors, he telegraphs his ultimate disgust for masculinity. He needs to draw out the femininity he wants to see in men -- he acts out gruesome, hateful misogyny against women, but even as he murders so many of the women of his manga or otherwise ejects them from his story, he’s still compelled to recreate femininity and symbolically recreate womanhood within the male cast he has left behind.

And he’s not just motivated by homophobia and a disgust for men who are intimate with other men! Nor is he just motivated by a desire to place these feminized characters below him. Just as Calliope does sincerely with her Callie Ohpeee trollsona, Caliborn is compelled to feminize his own self-insert, the crude rendition of Lord English he creates for his own satisfaction. Given free reign to depict himself and insert himself into his story however he likes, Caliborn opts to turn away from the full thrust of hypermasculinity, and he makes himself beautiful and gorgeous.

And as soon as he does so, Caliborn’s repressed attraction to Calliope erupts again:

This isn’t just the matter of blackrom incest that the text superficially suggests; even on a purely textual level, due to the alien nature of their relationship, Caliborn only barely regards Calliope as a sister, and he certainly has no problem with objectifying and sexualizing all of the other women he hates.

No, Caliborn has to repress his attraction to Calliope because, given their shared form, his attraction to her as a woman necessarily constitutes an implicit recognition that he could be attractive as a woman, and his body could be attractive as a woman’s body.

Caliborn can never accept that, and he’ll never directly address it or engage with it. He’ll never think about what all of this means for him, or act on his idle fantasies. The time for turning back is well behind him.

He is, now and forever, exactly the kind of angry and disaffected chud who will never unplug from 4chan or stop masturbating to awful trap hentai. He has deliberately imprisoned himself within the teleology of his own self-confirming hegemonic masculinity, and he thinks it is glorious.

THE DEMON IS ALREADY HERE

To fully understand Caliborn, of course, we need to understand Lord English.

If Caliborn has imprisoned himself within his own assertions, then Lord English is the embodiment of those assertions, and Caliborn’s transformation into Lord English is his ultimate apotheosis: having murdered his shadow and excised her spirit from within himself, his transformation enables him to excise her from without. His ascension allows him not only to purge Calliope’s visage from his body, closing off the possibilities once implied and allowed by his youthful and androgynous form, but also to recreate, reconfirm, and relive his victory over Calliope at every turn.

To understand what I mean by that, let’s look at the characters and components who go into Lord English, starting with Equius.

Equius, is, of course, a long-form joke character about the pathetic contradictions of hegemonic masculinity. In his pesterlogs, he opens every line with blatantly phallic imagery...

But when he actually tries to handle said phallus in real life, his titanic strength prevents him from doing anything but destroying it:

And the same goes for one of his horns, which he has apparently broken off. The autocastration symbolism is not subtle, and about the mildest thing we can conclude is that he’s a chronic, addicted masturbator who has compromised his own sexual performance.

He’s also textually obsessed with upholding the racial hegemony of the Alternian civilization...

...but his obsession with hierarchy and dominance quickly collapses into a thin pretext for his barely-suppressed desire to submit to those who are higher than him on the hemospectrum...

...and to those who are lower than him!

Equius is a character intrinsically lined to the collapse and self-destruction of masculinity and male sexuality, which is topical enough that we might end there. However -- and there’s no nice way for me to say this -- we also need to establish that Equius is a necrophile and a sexual predator, too.

@mmmmalo and others have written intriguingly and at length about reading “blue beauties” as a cipher for “sexualized corpses” in Homestuck, but for Equius, it’s about as textual as it gets. Equius is explicitly sexually and romantically interested in Aradia even after her death, and his necrophillic attraction is only reinforced by the symbolism: he constructs an unliving replacement body for her, which parses most obviously as a symbolic embalming and restoration of her corpse, and he treats it like a love doll even as it’s uninhabited and lifeless. He seeks to literally transform her body into a “blue beauty” by the transfusion of his own blood, which (given the color-coding of troll body fluids) parses as a clear insemination joke about his genetic material.

We might excuse his attraction for various fantastic mitigating factors -- Aradia is, after all, still ‘alive’ in a kind of undead state -- but Equius’ more general sexual predation cannot be so easily ignored. Aradia is chronically depressed and in absolute need of the service that Equius can provide, which he uses to take advantage of her and to compromise her bodily autonomy and judgement with the device he covertly implants inside of her.

Equius is undeniably a sexual predator who constructs women’s bodies in order to further his own domination, and his own motif of sexual self-destruction and inversion puts the final dark twist on his story. He is brutally dominated by Gamzee, suffocated to death until his corpse is blue in the face, and ultimately prototyped together with AR. He finds a unique fulfillment as he becomes the object of his own desire, when he is transformed into his own cybernetic “blue beauty”.

It’s not hard for me as a trans woman to see certain tropes at play, but for those of us who aren’t up to date on foundational transmisogynistic screeds...

Today the Frankenstein phenomenon is omnipresent not only in religious myth, but in its offspring, phallocratic technology. The insane desire for power, the madness of boundary violation, is the mark of necrophiliacs who sense the lack of soul/spirit/life-loving principle with themselves and therefore try to invade and kill off all spirit, substituting conglomerates of corpses. This necrophilic invasion/elimination takes a variety of forms. Transsexualism is an example of male surgical siring which invades the female world with substitutes... The projected manufacture by men of artificial wombs, of cyborgs which will be part flesh, part robot, of clones – all are manifestations of phallocratic boundary violation. So also the behaviorism of B.F. Skinner and “physical control of the mind” through the use of implanted electrodes by such scientists as Delgado, are variations of monstrous male “motherhood”.

-Gyn/Ecology

Blanchard believes that autogynephilia is best conceived as misdirected heterosexuality. These men are heterosexual, but due to an error in the development of normal heterosexual preference, the erotic target (a woman) gets located on the inside (the self) rather than the outside...

Autogynephiles are men who have created their image of attractive women in their own bodies, an image that coexists with their original, male selves. The female self is a man-made creation. They visit the female image when they want to have sex, and some became so attached to the female image that they want it to become their one, true self...

-The Man Who Would Be Queen

But hey, does anyone else remember that time when ARquius got upset and envious because he couldn’t lactate like a mother would?

EXTREMELY SUBTLE.

As for Equius’ fusion with the AR, or Auto-Responder, we come to Dirk Strider.

Dirk Strider is, if anything, the furthest thing imaginable from the autoerotic subject that Equius presents: he is not so much attracted to another self as he is utterly repulsed by himself in his own totality.

Dirk Strider is a self-loathing, self-destructive, self-mutilating gay man, caught in the grips of a kind of hateful narcissism. He is not overtly trans-coded, or related to the trans feminine, but his male homosexuality ties into another, subtler form of trans feminine horror, one which Jake suggests in aside:

Dirk Strider presents the horror of the destruction of the self and the destruction of manhood more generally, both in the service of the satisfaction of others and in the fulfillment of self-hatred. He creates and destroys himself with abandon. In Unite/Synchronize, it’s Dirk who willingly decapitates himself to cross the gulf of space and time between him and Jake, and he allows Dave to decapitate him and destroy his ‘unbreakable’ katana with Caledfwlch -- the uranian cue-ball sword that destroys masculinity -- in Collide.

And keep in mind that when Dirk decapitates himself, it’s Lil’ Hal who looks out from his severed head:

Holy castration symbolism, batman! Remember that Hal’s shades are a part of ARquius’ own phallic imagery:

Lil’ Hal is a phallic specter that terrorizes both Dirk and Jake on the individual level, as well as in their relationship with each other. He drives Dirk’s Brobot-self to greater aggression, he’s aggressive, condescending, and cruel with Jake in general, and he apparently manipulates events to force Jake to kiss Dirk’s severed head -- which, if we’re taking the castration metaphor seriously, basically means he forced Jake to give Dirk head. Classy.

Is it any wonder that Dirk is so compelled to lop Lil’ Hal off of himself and out of his life, no matter the ethics or implications for himself? Hal is the perfect storm and culmination of all of the worst things Dirk sees in himself, and the omniscient apotheosis of his own detatched, ultramasculine, hypercompetent, ironic persona -- all despite being treated as a 13-year-old by the text, an immature and incomplete version of Dirk.

Remind you of anyone else?

Dirk and Lil Hal are in this respect a brighter mirror of Calliope and Caliborn: they are a self divided for whom the better half has softly predominated.

Dirk probably hasn’t literally castrated himself to destroy his masculinity in the way that Caliborn has literally destroyed his own femininity; Dirk and Hal certainly aren’t so explicitly gendered or trans-coded as Calliope and Caliborn are, so it’s more difficult to read them and their relationship as trans-coded. (Unless you want to read Dirk and Hal that way, in which case, hell yeah, go forth and be valid, and link me your fanfiction, please.)

Nevertheless, Dirk’s symbolic castration and literal rejection of lil Hal represents, if nothing else, a rejection of and predomination over his most toxic aspect (and his most toxically masculine aspect), and the gruesome excision of such from his life.

But while Dirk has left his worst half behind, his worst half has gone on to supercede him: entering into union with Equius, and by extension, Caliborn.

And what of Gamzee, the most important character in the entire comic?

Well, Gamzee is, of course, another mirror to Calliope and Caliborn. Like Calliope and Caliborn -- our allegorical Calmasis -- Gamzee is caught in an erratic duality between two possibilties.

Just like our Calmasis, Gamzee vacillates almost all through life between two fundamentally different personas. At the time of his introduction, he was someone basically passive, agreeable, and kindly -- even lovable, to the point that he still has his fans and stans to this day.

Of course, as time went on, he became more and more aggressive. Even against the backdrop of his largely passive behavior, his increasing aggression culminated in his many infamously depraved and murderously violent outbursts: a transition not incidentally marked (among other things) by his rejection of the green (and Calliope-coded) sopor slime that once helped to pacify him, and his radicalization at the hands of his future self (in Lil’ Cal).

In his typing quirk, Gamzee likewise alternates between Calliope’s lowercase and Caliborn’s uppercase:

Definitely no themes of duality here, nope!

Most tellingly, even in his ascension to Lord English, Gamzee is also halved, just like Calliope & Caliborn: Gamzee is bisected such that only half of him enters Lil’ Cal, while half of him is left behind, utterly broken and irrelevant.

But if Gamzee is a reflection of Calliope and Caliborn, then what else does this piece of shit clown have to say about them?

Well, like Calliope, Gamzee is quite involved in his own constructed persona -- but unlike Calliope, he’s almost never regarded as anything but disgusting and pathetic.

No amount of face paint can cover the scars across his face, and instead of covering himself up, his costume only accentuates his own body, exposing himself in the most pornographically aggressive and perverse way possible.

Even in making himself into a clown he reaches towards something inherently absurd; something that has no existence in itself save for how comical and disgusting it is to others. His aspirations and imitations render him a walking joke and a figure of corrupt terror.

And most horribly and grotesquely, if Calliope and Caliborn are a trans allegory, and Gamzee is any kind of reflection of them, we know exactly what kind of warped and fictitious trans archetype Gamzee is:

Gamzee suggests himself as a serial killer, and he’s one who hordes corpses and steals trophies from his victims, at that.

But there’s one more person we need to look at in this gruesome sequence: Doc Scratch, another parallel to Calliope in this incestuous slurry of signifiers. In Doc Scratch, the man with the uranian cue-ball head, we see even Calliope’s most harmless, silly traits taken to their most nightmarish and oppressive conclusions.

It’s Doc Scratch who selectively warps troll culture in order to create the world and the culture that Calliope loved so, and who meddles in the alpha timeline as he so desires; it’s he who shows just how perverse and oppressive omniscience can be, transforming all her scrapbooks and her labors of love into his own exhaustive account of the cosmos, turning her love of her favorite characters into his own callous disregard for objects to be manipulated. When he uses her own thoughtful tone, it only telegraphs menace.

And, most darkly for our own analysis, Doc Scratch is a sexual predator and a pedophile.

Almost from the start, he’s undeniably sexualized as a threat in his conversations with Vriska:

Even his omniscience is sexualized by his own words, casting the light of his awareness as a phallic presence invading and penetrating the unknown:

Vriska is an unreliable narrator, of course, and we might not want to read too deeply into Doc Scratch’s words. Scratch is certainly quick to assure Rose that he’s not a predator in his conversations with her...

...but as always, the gulf between what Doc Scratch says and what he means is almost insurmountable. Doc Scratch tells Rose that he has no biological means of reproduction, but he is a conglomerate of and a vessel for multiple sexual beings, and even the castrated may experience sexual pleasure and pursue sexual ends.

Most tellingly, Doc Scratch only tells Rose that he isn’t attracted to her “in the way she means”. From an entity known for wordplay and lies of omission, this constitutes a tacit admission that he IS attracted to her in some way that she isn’t asking about.

Aradia explicitly characterizes his interference in her and Kanaya’s lives as ‘grooming’...

And he does much the same to Damara:

Doc Scratch is an undeniably sexual and sexualized threat.

We might ask how, exactly, he’s supposed to be attracted to Rose and the other young girls he victimizes -- and certainly I think he’s a sexual voyeur in the general case, but I think he’s also an even more abstract and pedophillic threat.

Doc Scratch is a copy of Lil’ Cal, given life and omniscience as a First Guardian; he is the child’s toy which was once fawned over by a puppet pornographer, and he is a child-sized man. He titles himself after the Scratch process which allows children the chance to grow up, but which also transforms adults into children; he presents the absolute perverse sentimentality of all adult transgressions into the realm of childish things.

This alludes to Caliborn, of course, as the boy who cannot escape his childhood, but it’s also sexologically linked to toxic trans feminine archetypes...

Blanchard (1991) started with the idea that some cases of male-to-female gender dysphoria and transsexualism are fundamentally motivated by an ETII, in which natal males who are otherwise sexually attracted to women eroticize the idea of being women to such an extent that they want to become a woman themselves. Freund and Blanchard (1993) later extended this idea to an analogous ETII that might motivate some pedophilic men to impersonate or fantasize about being children.

It is fitting that the most compelling finding of our study—that autopedophilic men sexually attracted to girls tend to find it sexually arousing to imagine themselves as a girl—reflects the likely confluence of the two ETIIs that had been proposed many years ago: one that involves locating an individual of a different gender within one’s own body, and the other that involves locating an individual of a different age within one’s own body.

...and it’s also a searing indictment of Calliope.

To cosmic entities such as her and Scratch, how can other people be anything but objects, tools, and characters to be abused? Before the power and knowledge they might come to command, how can other people be anything but insects?

To Scratch and Calliope, how can other people be anything but children?

Even as Calliope becomes a mere player within the story of paradox space, Doc Scratch accuses her of a fundamental and unwholesome transgression. She lets go of the condescending oversight she used to hold over the alpha timeline, no matter how kindly and well-meaning she was, and she descends from the omniscient authority of her lonesome ivory tower, but Doc Scratch still names her as an offense to herself and to others. Her desire to be a person is cast as a perversion, a deviance, and a sickness.

SBURB is a game her kind was never meant to play, after all. It’s a coming-of-age narrative not meant for her.

Ultimately, Doc Scratch himself is a fundamental accusation against Calliope: he is a grail of the souls who signify some of the most horrible gendered narratives and trans feminine narratives we can imagine, animated in mockery of Calliope as if to say: “this is you”. Equius, an autoerotic, necrophillic predator, and Hal, an aggressive, intellectualist meddler; even Gamzee, who is both a murderous pervert and her own adoptive father, a normative role model who is anything but.

And when Caliborn rises to prominence and Lord English births himself from the corpse of Doc Scratch, it’s nothing less a recreation of the traditional predomination that Caliborn has denied himself. To Caliborn, Lord English is the sign of his own victory: he may see the souls within Lil’ Cal as like-minded role models to emulate and assimilate, or as hateful and loathesome symbols of Calliope to be crushed under his will, but his predomination allows him to take both options without interrogating himself, just as he’s gone without interrogating everything else he wants.

And to Calliope, well, if Doc Scratch was an accusation against her, then what could be more horrible to her than Lord English? He has destroyed Doc Scratch and symbolically ended her own perversions, but only through the act of being born.

The only alternative to the horror of being Doc Scratch is the terror of being Lord English; the only alternative to the horror of being Calliope is the terror of being Caliborn.

ISOLATION

I could navel-gaze for hours about the potential symbolism of Lord English, but I think it’s time to return full circle to a somewhat more grounded look at Calliope.

If Calliope, Caliborn, and Lord English cast light upon each other, then what does alternate!Calliope have to say about them?

Having naturally predominated and standing as a singular figure in the furthest ring, Alt!Calliope serves to illuminate the alternatives to Caliborn’s false victory: in all the alternate possibilities illuminated by the dream bubbles, we see that Calliope can naturally predominate over Caliborn, but not vice versa.

Alternate!Calliope strongly suggests to us that Calliope is inherently stronger than Caliborn, and she tells us that Calliope and Caliborn share the same strength: she tells us yet again that Calliope and Caliborn are two sides of the same coin.

She suggests to us that, in a sense, Calliope and Caliborn are just Calliope -- that Calmasis, upon achieving integration, will simply view herself as Calliope, and Caliborn will lose because he was never the true self.

So why, then, does Caliborn win in the alpha timeline? Is it just an arbitrary time loop, a timeline plucked from the frothing sea of paradox space and arbitrarily validated by the happenstance of the immature Caliborn’s power over time?

No, I certainly don’t think so; I’d like to think that the principle of AURYN applies even here. Caliborn wins out over Calliope because they’re Doing As They Will -- because, even on the level of our trans allegory, they both have reason to want Caliborn’s victory. Even on the level of our trans allegory, Calmasis needs to be Caliborn.

Alternate!Calliope tells us that she had to become strong because she had no-one else to comfort her, and I think suggests two important points of interest:

Firstly, that alt!Calliope serves to reflect Calliope’s inner drama, just as Calliope serves to reflect Caliborn’s inner drama. Caliborn fears and loathes the possibility of being like Calliope, the sentimental degenerate and weakling that she is, and Calliope fears and dreads the possibility of becoming alt!Calliope. Calliope fears that even if she rejects the hateful accusations that are Doc Scratch, and rejects the teleological future of Lord English, her only alternative is to be like alt!Calliope: someone who has won, and who has become herself, but at the cost of isolation, distance, and loneliness, without humanity, connection, or kindness.

In other words, Calliope fears her victory would mean her little green skull is always going to be a miserable Federal Fucking Issue, for herself and for others.

Secondly, that Calliope’s relationships with humans are in some sense the vector by which Caliborn came to dominate. Alt!Calliope won because she had no-one to take comfort in, and thus she had to be strong on her own, but I think the flip side of that is that alt!Calliope was able to be strong, because she had no relationships that could weaken her -- she was more insulated from the toxic ideas of the cultures that came before her. No one could so much as accidentally insinuate to her that she wasn’t good enough or pretty enough as she was, save perhaps for Caliborn -- and certainly Caliborn would have been malevolent, but he would have had less in the way of the language and systematic ideas to be the hateful and cultivated misogynist that he became in the alpha timeline.

In other words, alt!Calliope doesn’t have any reason whatsoever to worry about her little green skull in the first place.

But there’s another much more straightforward reason why Caliborn had to win, too:

If we’re supposed to take Calliope and Calliborn as two facets of a whole more generally, let alone as a specific trans allegory, well... they may have been two personas, or even two people, but they are confined to an existence as a single player. The cherub session likely never could been anything but a single player session; the cherub session was always going to be a dead session.

And whether it’s a fundamental fact of SBURB or just an idea in Calliope’s head -- one of the ideas she’s likely constructed with the human cultural biases she’s obtained by osmosis -- Caliborn is someone who can win a dead session, and Calliope isn’t. How could a Space player, a patient creative, succeed in a test of frantic, timed destruction? How could a passive Muse succeed where even an active Lord would struggle -- how could a woman succeed where even a man would struggle?

Only someone like Caliborn could ever possibly win. Perhaps Calliope reflects Caliborn as the person he desperately wishes he wasn’t, and she is the shadow that lies outside of his hateful and constructed self, but as a precarious supergiant hangs overhead and the light of Skaia gutters out, Caliborn reflects Calliope as the person she desperately needs to be, and he is the self she has to construct for herself.

Caliborn kills Calliope’s dreamself not just because he desperately hates her, but also because she has to allow him to supercede her, and he is the kind of person she needs to be: because SBURB is unfair, Skaia is unfair, and he can escape the desolate waste of her life, while she cannot.

And so it happens that Calliope is exiled from the real and cast to the unreality of the dream bubbles, while Caliborn grows monstrously beyond himself, self-mutilated and cancerous.

People have commented on the obvious romantic symbolism at play in Calliope’s return to life in the real...

...but it’s not just the power of a love that saves Calliope. Love is powerful and transformative, but love alone isn’t magical. It isn’t even the power of a magical macguffin ring that saves Calliope, either, because a ring is never just a ring, even when it is magical.

What redeems the possibility of Calliope’s existence is recognition and freedom.

TL;DR: ‘Caliborn’ is Calliope’s deadname.

#homestuck #calliope #trans calliope #homestuck analysis #homestuck meta #effortpost #self-indulgent complete bullshit

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synodicatalyst · 6 years ago

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some epilogue thoughts (part 1)

there’s a lot of people up in arms about things like j*hnroxy marriage and j*hnrezi, d*vejade, etc being Canon and honestly? i can relate. and i agree with lots of things that have been said. i think it’s a pretty poor move to release content that actively turns away a good 80% of readers. i’m hurt re: the way Certain Characters were treated. i think the epilogue really tried to toe the line between “classically homestuck reader-hostile / deep / Super Meta” and “outright hurtful” and i think it definitely didn’t do it well enough, nor delicately enough, for me to appreciate it

HOWEVER (this sounds like a big however but its sort of not that big a deal)

also here is where we delve into Spoiler Territory

i think there’s a misunderstanding, or at least people have been putting things weirdly and wildly out of context, re: a lot of things

i’m not saying that you’re wrong to be mad, or disgusted, with the way that characters were treated or portrayed. but, this isn’t homestuck saying “actually roxycallie and vrisrezi and davekat are bad and these Straight ships are canon As They Should Be LOL”

many characters (like rose) say that they’re not “canon” or that the lives that they’re living don’t feel “real” (john) at some point. it’s fanfiction. heterosexuality within homestuck is very overtly and obviously meant to evoke a sense of unease, of wrongness. even fucking JOHN comments on it - he talks about how roxy seems “wrong” when she basically flings herself at him in the candy route. like, saying “j*hnroxy became canon and also john and terezi fucked in the epilogue” out of context is like, wack, because yeah, both became ‘canon’, but j0hnroxy was actively shown to not work - IT WAS HONESTLY MORE LIKE BASHING ON THE SHIP THAN ANYTHING ELSE. THEY GOT DIVORCED.. their relationship was awful -

john and terezi fuck when terezi is basically starving to death in the middle of the void and john is dying. it’s um, like, romantic? but also its like, very gritty. (this doesnt mean i was exactly chill with the fact that it went down, or how it happened, but. like. the whole scene was meant to be emblematic of the way the Meat route was harshly, extremely and very intentionally a portrayal of the Harsh Reality where the candy route was overly, way too far wacky and horrible discordant wish fulfilment. Terezi submits to the “why should i keep going? vriska’s probably dead anyway” pessimistic line of thinking where in the candy route she persists and doesn’t return home despite john’s pleas.) the johnrezi like. its not even that bad. definitely not as bad as like. g-gamjane i guess

panquadrant vrisrezi, on the other hand, is canonised in the candy route and it’s positive - vriska has some incredible and important moments in conjunction with this revelation, talking about her self-loathing and the disconnect between herself and terezi. terezi talks about her unfathomable yearning for vriska as she fused with her Game Over self, which drove her to search in the depths of the void for YEARS... she, terezi, and john are cemented as the most... Separate From Canon as individual characters. they’re like pivot points.

d*vejade is just outright slandered - jade is portrayed as a horrible, absurd manic pixie dream girl crossed with a weird yaoi lover who just Really Fucks and her overtures towards davekat are horrible and uncomfortable and pushy. it’s very clearly not Canon Real Ultimate Self jade and it’s not supposed to be. again, absurd.

anyways this has been a really long post but what i’m saying is that i do think like, in context, a lot of the things people are iffy about - the weird uncomfortable way john BASICALLY “CUCKS” CALLIE by dating roxy, for example, is obviously not supposed to be like “ACTUALLY J0HNR0XY IS THE TRUE ENDGAME SHIP” - it’s more of an active criticism. it’s the monkey’s paw. it’s not an endorsement. which doesn’t make the way it sort of...goes down... Good, but it’s definitely not the author going “these straight ships are the good ones actually” like ive seen people saying

#epilogue #long post #hexa.txt #TEXTBOX #thats a new tag i have for actual discussion and meta and stuff #homestuck #epilogue spoilers

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homestuckisautistic · 6 years ago

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Epilogue Summary: Meat part 1 (1-25)

So this is just my notes as i read it, theres too much to condense it succinctly. It will be very spoilery, and is intended to be a summary of key plot points for those who don't wish to read it themselves but want to know what happens. I'll try to avoid explicitely triggering content but I'll probably still describe what happens so be aware. Ill still make another post when i finish it with my overall thoughts

Number is what chapter it is, dashes are separate observations within that chapter.

1. Weird graphic description of John fuckin voring the meat. Why

2. -Jane is a facist now and xenophobic?? Amd running for president of earth. Could yall not with the trump comparison

- "DAVE: in the world that mattered more, i mean like

DAVE: the one i belonged to that i used to imagine had a real future

DAVE: that didnt involve meteors or a fish dictator or the american political landscape turning into a nightmarish daily joke"

Oh sweet summer child

-A predominantly human government is responsible for trol population control??

3. John punches Aranea in the face

5. Im p sure Dirk is a facist now too? But like that "cool" edgy alt right reddit type

-He. Literally shoots Jake with a tranquiliser to shut him up

6. John rounds up the other kids from various points along the Game Over timeline and has some thoughts on how hes basically pupeteering these kids to their impending doom

7. Dirk has the same condition as Rose, which she reffers to as "ascending to her ultimate self". Hes not suffering as much because presumably the heart effect of understanding people is less taxing than lights understanding...everything

9. Yeah as expected john and co go to perform the masterpiece and get trapped in the juju for "quadrillions of years from your perspective" fuck you

10. -Firstly chapter from Jane's perspective and OH BOY she keeps making casual discrimatory remarks, pausing to ask herself if theyre discriminatory, and then concluding that they aren't. Oof.

-"And the consorts? Who had even given them the right to vote in the first place?" OOF.

-Confirms that the trolls are not immortal (by Jane basically saying she could wait for Karkat to die off)

-"the problematic nature of troll reproduction. The first generation of natural-born trolls obviously cannot be entrusted to a troll." excuse me what the fuck

11. The kids can talk to each other within the juju and hear whats happening outside.

-I think John has blackrom feels for Terezi?? And also voices he might actually be depressed

12. Okay this was actually p good its all dave and kk being rly gay but still acting surprised when massively horny jade calls them out. Also poly Jade heck yeah

13. VASKA. Immediately after unloading the Juju she gets hit with some debris and starts being pulled towards the black hole, at which point john &co escape the juju

14. Jane full on tries to seduce Jake for his support and its creeping me out

-?? It starts to describe a full on fuckin sex scene but before they do more than smooch and grope Jake starts fantasising about Dirk and excuses himself

15. Rose and Jade die, i think Meenah and Vriska too? And ghost Tavros. Davepeta shows up

-Johm gets vored??? Well almost, he ends up with englishes gold tooth in his ribs

-Dave stabs le then dies horribly (all of the death is p graphic)

-Davepeta dies, dragging le into the black hole with them

16. Rose muses that the 12 characters in Complacency of the Learned represent the 12 players that entered the new universe

-The condition rose and dirk have doesnt affect all god tiers, its linked to aspect

-Actually Rose and Dirk have some pretty interesting introspection here

-DIRK IS THE NARRATOR.

17. -The text is orange and Dirk addresses the reader direct- what the fuck

-He basically tears into the reader for voyuerism and speaks with the nost intense god complex ever seen in him

18. The furthest ring is destroyed

-Dirk as the narrator talks directly to John but like. Is mostly still just the narrator. It's weird.

-John finds his dads wallet

19. Dirk can read everyone except Roxy. Presumably because Void.

-Calli and rox are nonbinary and use neutral pronouns! Calli also talks about cherubs not really having gender

20. Oh John's Jade didnt die i guess. Earth C Jade passed out and this Jade got flashes of her memories

21. KANAYA. Also it legit didn't occur to me that they needed to raise the mother grub for years before it could perform troll reproduction. Durrr.

22. John finds Meenah and she steals the ring of life from him (he took it from aranea)

23. Uhhh. Dirk is basically fucking with Kanaya and trying to keep her from Rose?

24. John finds Terezi! But it cuts away again before literally anything happens

25. Dirk blocks Kanayas number in roses phone. Jesus fucking Christ

-oh sweet fuck hes talking about Kierkegaard

-Theres this really weird vibe of him talking about how smart he is and Rose calling him out in how hes just a dude whos read too much Wikipedia and i cant. Tell how ironic hes being

-He keeps talking about how hes in control of the narrative down to allowing her to react and its real fuckin creepy

-Huh...i guess hes showing Rose what happens in Candy. He doesnt describe it but talks about spoiling

-He...talks Rose into ascending to true godhood, i guess. To the point where her body would be dead if he wasnt doing something to keep it together

...yeah so far Dirk is a dick

#homestuck epilogue

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burstbombbitch · 6 years ago

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The Agency And You: A Documentary

☪️ ------ In initial concept, the idols were to be shrine maidens. The notion was ( mostly ) scrapped, leaving only remnants of that idea as the Great Fax Machine.

I've taken it upon myself to think more about the relevancy of idols and the agency, particularly that every idol ( I don't count Marina and Pearl, they're more honorary regarding the agency if anything, but it still does tie into my ideas ) has a bigger role than just entertainment.

Being in a position of fame, word spreads easily, and lips loosen.

Some idols are more personable, and the first to hear gossip ( especially if they inquire --- some are so quick to please! ). Others are more likely to hone their skills elsewhere, whether it be with weaponry or with technology. But regardless of their style, they're likely to amass data quicker than any other.

And the Agency, a relatively small (s)platoon, needs that.

Considering their secrecy, it's unlikely that they request aid from the public themselves ( instead utilizing new visitors to the city, such as Agent 3 and Agent 4 ). As such, it's not uncommon that they'll go to rising stars and lend a hand towards their growth, as they'd likely see it paid forward. By no means are they forced, but it is definitely appreciated.

One of the world's greatest weapons is community uniformity, for one eye is easily bested by a milion, when it comes to searching for a menace. A group of souls dedicated to helping ( or pleasing their idols, whatever their morals are ) can come in handy, allowing for far quicker reconnaissance.

It's also easier for them to bury potential problems that might come to light, and be way too close to the public --- that NILS statue? Just a part of their performance, of course! It's, uh, just a human homage. Nothing more. The Inklings aren't smart enough ( and really, don't care, they're pretty busy trying to live life to the fullest ) to question in depth --- and word from "above" is good enough for them.

In short, many, if not all, idols know of and are a part of the New Squidbeak Splatoon --- whether it's occasional assistance, or being an agent themselves.

Agents can be paired together for better output. Varying missions require varying skills --- and what better way to put their agents in check than to pair them up with a differing personality? It is hoped that they will learn from eachother, benefitting solo missions as a whole.

On top of that, similar to Splatoon 1's single-player finale, Splatoon 2's single-player finale, and all of Octo Expansion, sound and music plays an important part of the lives for all species. Performance can be increased with inspiration, and what better way to generate that than have an idol be your personal backdrop?

The agency, when it comes to duos, will usually try to pair an agent with a musical style they prefer --- and if not that, a personality that works for them. Efficiency is key --- and if they bicker, or if the song played demoralizes the working agent, they will be separated and placed with others. It isn't infrequent for agent-idol duos to have particular steps and combat techniques weaved into their songs: if reconnaissance of the threat was performed by the idol, they acknowledge and warn their agent of these dangers, and will craft a melody specifically for this fight --- to warn them of any impending dangers through BPM.

When it came to fighting Octarians, whose music plays for their own personal empowerment, the Agency will attempt to override ( similar to Splatoon 1 ) their radios, and enforce their idol's musical instead. This takes time and effort --- the Octarians are significantly more technologically advanced. In cases where they cannot override, the idol is personally sent out ( akin to Splatoon 2 ), and this is why they offer their agents and idols basic turf war training. Fundamentals are perpetually important, and can be developed here.

It's a trial-by-error basis, unless requested beforehand --- the agency is only so big, and cannot dedicate a lot of time to pairing. Come the merger of Inklings and Octarians who wish to go to the surface, they spend their time focusing, their efforts are now primarily keeping the peace, as opposed to invading Octarian territory. Times are changing --- and while Inklings are foolish enough to not know the difference, those in the agency are not so, and inform in the hopes of better integration.

Because love differences, damnit.

As an idol, Xiuying personally offers assistance ( or, more often than not, forces her way into helping ) when need be, and is often backed up ( albeit begrudgingly ) by Soda Sturmaz. As such, they are a pair --- though seemingly shaky, they work well with one another. Being an adult who performed in tournaments featuring only other high ranking adults, Xiuying's skill is a welcomed asset. Though she prefers to support from the sidelines, she is more than capable of taking care of herself. Every idol has strong suits to bring to the table, and their variations are welcomed. In turn, she actively teaches others to perform on her level --- whether privately, or through her show --- in combat.

As usual, I don't enforce my worldbuilding or headcanons on others --- so I don't know / won't say what I believe Callies, Maries, Pearls, Marinas, or any other OC idol does. But this is how Xiuying pays it forward --- her family used to offer weaponry to the agency, but also did the same for Octarian forces, to perpetuate animosity for his own gain. To repay the damage her supposedly noble house has done, she primarily assists Octarians in situating themselves --- as well as those underground, though she expects ( and understands ) their hostility.

#fuck you tumblr #✧.° ⦙ ʟᴇᴛ's sᴛᴀʀᴛ ғʀᴏᴍ sᴄʀᴀᴛᴄʜ ᴀɴᴅ ʙʟᴏᴡ ᴜᴘ ᴛʜᴇ sᴜɴ! — ❪ & worldbuilt. ❫#long post #✧.° ⦙ ᴛʀᴀᴠᴇʟ ᴛʜʀᴜ ᴛɪᴍᴇ 'ᴄᴀᴜsᴇ ɪ ʟᴏᴠᴇ ᴛʜᴇ ᴅᴀɴɢᴇʀ. — ❪ & queue. ❫

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chronicallycal · 8 years ago

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Hi Callie! I’m glad to be back in your inbox too! I totally need to catch up on the Harry Potter series once I have the time. Admittedly, I have only watched the movies so far. I’ve heard that while the French translation is fine, there’s something to be said about the wordplay in the original version, so I’m actually tempted to read it in English. Recently, I chose instead to watch some cult movies for the first time, namely the Indiana Jones and Star Wars series oops (NSA)

Your messages are under the cut again, too, because of length lol.

(and I’ve only watched the initial trilogy of both series). Now I finally know what those “Jedi mind tricks” are all about ^^ I can see why you’re comparing the beginning of S8 to what happened in 2x01 and 3x01. Their emotions were indeed less concealed this time, probably because unlike the previous times, in S8 they knew what it was like to be in an actual relationship with one another. Well, I didn’t appreciate the fact that they didn’t work together in the final season, but the thing is,

it would have made no sense if they had, at least during the separation. Because then what would even be the point in breaking up? It was already bad that Castle kept coming to the precinct occasionally (necessary because of how the show is structured), and that Kate also returned several times to the loft, giving her the opportunity to leave a message there if she had wanted to. In fact, I wonder if Castle would have been spared, had Loksat actually come after Beckett in the first half (NSA)

of the season, as Caskett were still married and regularly seeing each other. Besides, after a few eps, Castle started investigating on his own anyway. So while your idea is interesting, imo the writers would have had to find another reason for them to be separated in order to be able to implement that idea. Plus, I think removing the PI office from the picture wouldn’t necessarily equal to Castle visiting the precinct more often (Wouldn’t it hurt him too much to do that?

Would Beckett tolerate his presence after a while? etc.). But yeah, 2x01 and 3x01 were certainly easier to watch because of the way the COTW was handled. You have perfectly described the way I feel about the transition in S8. While it made total sense for them to reconnect sexually with other, and while Castle didn’t completely drop the talk about Loksat, they were almost too happy after what had JUST happened. In other words, things were back to normal really quickly, if that makes sense. (NSA)

I agree that this transition phase would have been a good time for them to discuss their future. Of course I liked the shift between S4 and S5 too, it was about time that they become an item, and I actually loved many Caskett moments in S5 (especially at the beginning of the season with their newly found intimacy, and around episodes 18-21, if “Still” is 5x21). In regards to the end of 5x10, it would have been interesting indeed to see Beckett having that conversation with Castle later on (NSA)

in the show. I guess it happened off screen, but I wouldn’t be surprised if that topic was only addressed after they got engaged. Aside from that scene, there were other mentions of insecurity in 5x08 (on Beckett’s side), and in 5x18 (on Castle’s side) for example, so for me it was a pretty recurrent theme in S5. Like many people, I didn’t like “The Squab and The Squail”, and I still have trouble with the fact that this episode was supposed to air after “Still”, so I’m leaving it aside (NSA)

for the moment. Some people wrote that in their opinion, at the end of S5, Castle had this tendency to deflect Beckett’s questions about the more serious topics, which led her to think that he wasn’t looking for real commitment, when Castle was actually afraid that showing how serious he was about them would spook her. I really liked this explanation, even if in big part, the insecurities resurfaced in those last episodes because it was the end of the season and the writers couldn’t think (NSA)

of another way to stir drama. I would certainly have preferred a proposal in other circumstances, because the part in S5 looked really serious (see Castle’s face), and there was this terrible misunderstanding between them for a minute. And yes, in the second half of S6 C&B were essentially giddy in regards to the wedding, and you’ve just made me realize that seeing a wider range in emotions would probably have made those episodes better. While I didn’t like the first wedding dress, (NSA)

the scene with Beckett in front of the mirror was a great moment in that regard. In 6x23, this thing with Rogan certainly came out of the blue, and you already know what I think of this episode.I really liked 7x23, but I have to admit that there weren’t any hints to Hollander’s Woods in previous eps either. More generally, there were many themed episodes in S7 I believe, so that didn’t really contribute to a sense of cohesiveness between the eps. About 2x24, until now, (NSA)

I was mainly sad because Castle was leaving the precinct with Gina at his arm, in front of everyone, may I add; and as Gina is his ex-wife, it felt more serious to me than a fling atm. But you’re absolutely right that there’s actually more to it than that, and geez that makes this ending even more heartbreaking. On the other hand, I really love 2x12 because of how Kyra is portrayed, so I’ve got to admit that Kate’s jealousy was fun for me too in that particular ep. (NSA)

Wow, I didn’t expect you to write a whole paragraph in French, especially now that you’re telling me you don’t practice the language as often anymore

, nor used to writing such long messages in one go in English (it’s probably easier for me to chat or to talk). But I’m up to the challenge because I love getting the opportunity to discuss the show with you, plus it doesn’t hurt that you always give really awesome answers in return. Thank you for that, by the way! I’m going to finish by sharing with you what I thought of your newest one shot. I actually wrote down the following “sentences” as I was reading the fic, (NSA)

so you’re getting here my unbridled scene-by-scene reactions. Warning: there’s gonna be some serious rambling involved (but you know that about me now :p) The beginning: ouch, painful, but it wouldn’t totally be a fic of yours if there wasn’t at least some angst involved (except for some rare occurrences), right? / That was a twist, even if I was intrigued right away by the supernatural aspect of your fic; the best part is, you copied the beginning of the scene in the summary and I didn’t (NSA)

The scene with the popcorn is so sweet, so them, so in character. / Castle is alive! And babyyyy. / Oh okay, we’re back to the theater now; is the baby real or is just a way to motivate them? (I think it’s real, let’s hope it’s real) / Aww a glimpse into the future, I think I see where we’re headed now; and mmh still a mention of a hospital bed even in that scene, nice (I pictured a nursery at first) / Oh okay, it will actually be a constant back and forth before the final scene encased (NSA)

in reality. OMG I’VE BEEN HERE BEFORE, she so saw what happened in “Always” the first time she was here :p And that’s why she knows things he doesn’t. / Beginning of next scene: I can imagine Castle coming back to reality by wanting to join Lily when she laughs, maybe symbolically open a door or something. Okay that didn’t happen but it’s so cute! Ooh and the twins are on the way! / Ooh we don’t wake up straight to reality, but Kate’s still got her hand in his. Interesting! (NSA)

/ What the hell with Caleb Brown??? And here it comes. A taxi, good! / Didn’t we have those lines before? I’m checking…yess we did! Everything is definitely accurate then :) / And okay, I should watch Criminal Minds (I guess that’s what CM means?) more often because I didn’t get the reference ^^ All I can now say is wow, I have no words (well, I sure had them before), it was so fantastic. One of your best works, if not the best. (NSA)

The succession of short scenes made it really pleasant to read as well. I’m sure Rickcastlefromthailand has loved her birthday gift! ;) Until next time, Callie! NSA 19/19 PS: The length of these messages is getting out of hand LOL.

Hi!

In my opinion, you should definitely read the Harry Potter series. While I haven’t read the French version, so I can’t comment on its quality compared to the English version, but I will say there’s a certain beauty and wittiness to J.K. Rowling’s writing that may or may not have been reflected in the translation. However you choose to read them, though, I would definitely recommend it. That being said, I actually haven’t seen the movies. Or any of the other “cult” movies you mentioned. My movie watching is so minimal, I have a long list of movies I have to see, per my friends. lol. (oops?)

Upon further reflection, I have to agree that the idea of them working together through the separation would have most certainly been more flawed than the story line we were presented. I also agree that there is a certain degree of doubt that, despite their separation, Castle would have been spared in the event that LokSat went after Beckett in the early portion of the season. Personally, I doubt such a criminal would have spared the person who has so often presented himself as Beckett’s partner in crime, especially since both of them have shown great dedication to finding the truth. If nothing else, I imagine LokSat would have been aware of the fact that Castle would likely would have gone to great lengths to find out what happened to Beckett, whether they were separated or not. And LokSat, who doesn’t seem to be someone who cares about bloodshed, likely would have gone after Castle if only to avoid that hassle and inevitably doing it later.

Your description of the transition phase is also very accurate, in my opinion. Idk if you saw, but Raina (bravevulnerability) recently wrote about why Castle forgives Beckett so easily in her fics, and explained that forgiving someone doesn’t necessarily mean everything is okay/back to normal. In a way, I feel that this is what the reunion in season 8 lacked. Spare for Fidelis Ad Mortem (8x15), and the struggles in that episode, and the entire concept of hiding their reunion, there was a distinct lack of lingering emotions. Of course, to an extent, these could have passed during the winter hiatus, but I do think a certain degree of lingering doubts, even if communicated through subtle questioning and strange glances would have added a layer of authenticity of their reunion.

As for season 5, I think there’s a distinct difference in the insecurity expressed in episodes such as 5x08 and 5x18 compared to 5x10 and especially the end of the season. By which I mean, the prior instances seem to be more of a personal insecurity, a “will this work out” and “am I good enough for this person”, whereas the end of the season portrays the insecurity of “does this person want a serious relationship like I do”. The prior, to me, makes sense. Both characters have shown underlying insecurity throughout the series, so their doubts about being good enough for each other and/or compatible after all the effort put into their relationship are justified. What the end of the season does, however, is seem to make Beckett forget this commitment and effort that Castle has put in, as though he didn’t spend a year waiting to be with her, as though they hadn’t been together for a year, as though he hadn’t risked his life for her multiple times, one of which had just happened, in Still.

While I do agree that it’s highly possible that Castle would have evaded questions about their future out of fear of spooking Beckett, my problem with that is that it wasn’t shown at all prior to her doubts coming to surface. Which, in my opinion, is a failure of the writers, who knew where the season was going, as this is pre-planned, and didn’t take it upon themselves to present any semblance of build up to their end of season drama, in a way that made it seem implausible and almost juvenile. (Honestly, Beckett’s fears reminded me of something one would see with a couple who’s been hooking up for a few months, or playfully together with far less history, rather than a couple like Caskett). So for me, while this concept of the why being totally plausible and even a pleasant thought, in a way, my problem is that the writers didn’t execute that concept, and rather presented these doubts as something caused by Castle not wanting to sleep with Beckett in that one moment.

And for season 6, yes, I loved the moment in front of the mirror in 6x14. It’s a perfect example of how their past, personal struggles as individuals and as a couple could have been entwined. While I wouldn’t have liked a fulls season of merely rehashing the same doubts, I definitely think emotions such as those in that scene could have greatly improved the season for people such as myself who didn’t find great enjoyment in the giddy checklist style we did get.

Gah the reactions of the rest of the characters in 2x24 is truly heartbreaking, too. And I certainly agree that there’s a greater severity to that scene given that Gina is his ex-wife and not just a fling. I also think that 2x12 was a truly enjoyable episode. I actually really enjoyed Kyra, and the jealousy in that episode.

And aw! I hope my speaking French could bring you joy. I honestly need to use it more often, since I don’t want to lose it or my status as bilingual. And I’ve also used Duolingo, albeit to learn Spanish, and while it’s fun and teaches the basics, for sure, I find that eventually I get bored of doing the same lessons over and over again and just quit. Oops.

I’m also so glad my comments on your English could make you happy. I honestly had no idea you weren’t a native English speaker, so you certainly use the language well, even if it’s outside your comfort zone. I have to admit, I’m glad you feel okay with stepping outside your comfort zone for these messages, because I truly enjoy these exchanges we have.

And gaaaah I love your thoughts on my fic so much. Rambles are my favorite and it made me so happy to read your thoughts as you read, knowing where you were in the story and what was coming. I am so, so glad you enjoyed my odd little one-shot. And thank you so, so much for your compliments. I must admit, I’m fairly proud of that story as it went outside my comfort zone and into a genre I don’t usually explore, in a style not truly like my usual one, so to know it was well executed means the world to me.

(Also yes you should watch more Criminal Minds. Besides Castle, it is probably my favorite show lol).

Thank you, again, for this lovely message. I hope you have a good day, week, etc. Until next time!

Callie xx

(And yes these messages really are getting really long lol).

#Anonymous #Anon: NSA #Callie rambles

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