#that seems like a bad thing to say about somebody’s actual life but genuinely
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I’m not sure if I’m actually in a reading slump or if it’s just that every single book I’m currently reading is a lot
#like one is a comedic memoir and it’s.. i mean it’s great but it’s a lot#that seems like a bad thing to say about somebody’s actual life but genuinely#there are a lot of very over the top and kind of anxiety inducing anecdotes so i keep having to read it in small doses#and then another of the books i’m reading is the third book in a YA trilogy that i started when i actually like. cared about#these characters and this world. so now.. i mean i still have a certain level of nostalgia but i have no fucking idea what’s going on#and my patience for teen romantic drama is absolutely nil. i just want to whack the leading man upside the head with his own sword#and tell him to stop self-flagellating and actually explain himself to people#i’m going to proceed with it i think because i want to know what happens and there are enough useless gays in this book to keep my interest#but it’s like. my god man. if one more person’s eyelashes get compared to angel wings or petals or something i’m going to piss#and then the THIRD book i’m currently reading is gay historical erotica. regardless of this; it is probably the best book of the three#quality-wise. However. i have come to the realisation that i don’t particularly care about either of these characters#see i love this author but she’s written SO many more interesting characters and these two are just… i don’t care#i’m now only here for the smut. PLUS i got spoiled for the ending because my kindle decided to fucking malfunction while i was trying#to search for something; and it showed me a bunch of shit and i was like ‘thanks?????’#like do i have to know that the one hero’s sister is going to run away to germany with the other hero’s niece#or that this guy’s best friend is going to (completely unforeshadowed) turn out to be a villain and get told to sod off#was it necessary.#idk. i think part of it is that i took a few days’ break from reading anything (to play stardew valley nonstop) and part of it is that all#three of these books are so very much. it’s not that i’m not enjoying myself it’s just.. the histrionics are absolutely unbearable#i need to read something written by someone who has never experienced a human emotion or depicted one either#personal
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Hey do you think you could write about like the reader having an attitude when she comes home from work and mikey fucks the attitude out of her?
18+ under the cut - includes: cut to sex scene, unprotected sex. abby is like at a friends house or smth so dw just bc she’s not mentioned doesn’t mean she’s in the house
this is actually the worst thing i ever wrote im sorry but this is all i could give
you slam the door shut once you get inside. you kick off your shoes rather roughly, practically throwing your keys on the coffee table. mike looks to you, a little taken aback by your demeanor. usually he’s the one coming home throwing things and stomping around. it’s not like you’re a happy-go-lucky person, but you’re not one to be this upset about something unless it’s really bad.
and honestly, you didn’t know what you were upset about. it just seemed like today was the worst day in your entire life. you’d woken up late, didn’t get to eat breakfast, had the worst lunch ever, your meetings at work were a waste of time, and traffic was bad. the list could truly go on. so you weren’t really in the mood to plant a smile on your face and pretend like you weren’t irritated.
“hey, how was work?” mike asks. “fine,” you huff, walking to your shared bedroom. you change out of your work clothes, feeling as though they were suffocating and uncomfortable all day.
mike stands up from the couch, following you. “are you sure it was fine?”
“yes, mike!” you shout. “can you just drop it?”
mike reaches out to touch your arm. “i just want to make sure you’re okay.”
you twist your arm out of his grip, feeling like every little thing could just set you off. “i said i’m fine.” you try to keep your cool, but you can feel anger bubbling up inside of you.
“you can talk to me, you know. i’m here for you.”
“i don’t want to talk!” you yell. “just leave me alone for fucks sake!”
mike blinks at you like you just killed somebody. “o-kay,” he says after a long pause. “sorry for checking up on you,” he mumbles.
you groan, “can you not play the self-pity, nice-guy card?”
“i’m not! this is genuinely how i feel! imagine if the roles were reversed. you’d be feeling pretty shitty, too, right?”
“no because i’d know to leave you alone,” you say matter-of-factly.
“well, i’m not going to leave you alone.”
“why?” you ask, ready to throw something.
“because i believe that you need to tell me what’s wrong so you can not have an attitude.”
“well, if you’re just going to pester me, then i’ll just leave.” you slip on a pair of slippers that are by your bed, grabbing a jacket and heading out of the bedroom.
“where are you going?” he asks. “anywhere but here!” you shout.
“you can’t just run away! you’re starting to act like me.”
“yeah, well, maybe i need to not be around you for a while, then!”
mike rolls his eyes at you, knowing you’re just saying all this because you’re mad at him for some reason. he knows he should’ve left you alone, but now the conversation has gone too deep for him to just give up.
as you put a hand on the door, mike grabs your wrist and yanks you back.
“let go, mike. i’m a grown woman and can do what i want.”
“which is precisely why you’re staying here.” he looks into your eyes, his brows furrowed with determination. his grip on you is tight, but not harmful. there are small beads of sweats lining his forehead and his cheeks are slightly flushed from becoming worked up. his eyes are wide and pupils blown out, meaning that he’s been thinking of you in some way in between your fight.
“make me,” you say lowly, in almost a whisper.
you’re on top of the kitchen counter now, sweatpants and panties scattered on the ground. mike’s shirt is somewhere in the living room along with his belt. his jeans are pooled around his legs as he leans against the counter. your nails are digging into his shoulders, head thrown back and rubbing against the cabinets. mike’s face is buried into your neck, pants and whimpers becoming muffled into your skin. his cock is throbbing inside of you as your walls clamp down around him.
“mike, oh! right there, yes!” you moan, your eyes rolling behind your eyelids. he’s balls deep inside of you as he hits that spot expertly.
“fuck, baby. you feel so good,” he mumbles into your shoulder. he can feel your heart thud in your chest as he presses up against you. the sweat on your bodies mix as he thrusts faster. you wrap your legs around his waist, seemingly pulling him in tighter, making him push deeper inside of you. your hands grip his hair as you feel yourself orgasm and you cry out his name.
you feel him come inside of you in hot spurts, coming to a complete stop as he finishes. you both groan as he slips out of you. he grabs a piece of paper towel and wipes up his cum that’s running down your leg.
you’re still huffing and puffing, savoring the feeling of the cold wood and granite on your back and legs. mike gives you a small smile and you lean down and kiss his cheek.
“not so stressed now, huh?” he remarks. you roll your eyes and punch his shoulder. “it’s just a coincidence.”
“mm, maybe i should try this next time then and see if it correlates,” he says.
“maybe you should.”
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to know him is to love him, and i do | chapter three: i'm not all bad, right?
pairing(s): choi beomgyu x you, kang taehyun x you
summary: you love beomgyu more than anything. you just wish he loved you, too. or you finally break up with beomgyu and move on, but as for him? maybe he's starting to realize too little too late.
genre: romance, angst, angst with a happy ending (?)
word count: 2.1k
notes: hi friends! i don't have much to say this time around besides the fact that i just want to thank user zzhyuu for helping me edit this (´∀`)♡
if you were to ask beomgyu if he loved his ex mere months ago, he'd say he didn't know for sure, but probably. they ended things rather messily, which seems to be a trend for him, but if he really thinks about it, he doesn't know what he liked about her after all. if he had to pinpoint it, he liked the thrill of the chase and the idea of never knowing how explosive things would inevitably get between the two of them. he liked the toxicity. he liked the idea of breaking somebody and being broken in return. only now does he understand that that wasn't love at all, but some sort of sick game of hurting and being hurt he doesn't — he can't — play anymore. he doesn't want to hurt the people around him any longer, especially not you, but it would appear that that sentiment has presented itself a little too late.
there's always been a lot to love about you. always. you're so kind and so incredibly patient, at least with the people you love. you're thoughtful and intentional with your words and actions. you're not perfect, but you try your best to be a good and fair person. and you listen. like, really listen. the kind of listening where you're not just waiting for your turn to talk, but the kind where you genuinely want to know what the other person has to say. even if he didn't know it at the time, beomgyu always did love you. was it in the way you deserved? obviously, with the way things are now, it's perfectly clear that it was not.
even if he does bump into you, it's completely pointless. you made it perfectly clear that you want nothing to do with him anymore. the last thing you said to him echoes in his head with an unspeakable viciousness. "i'm sorry you feel that way." he didn't realize just how cruel those words were until they were falling from your lips instead of his. he didn't realize just how cruel he was in general.
he ponders over how succinctly you summed up your entire dynamic: "i don't understand why i have to explain basic human emotion to you and i really don't understand why i have to beg and plead for you to care about how i feel!" to be honest? he doesn't understand why you had to do that, either.
contrary to what one might suppose about him given his overall shitty personality, he had actually had a pretty good go at life. he was innately able to make the world sit and watch him go, and he wouldn't let anyone forget it. but what should he do since you don't want to watch him anymore? what should he do since you don't want anything to do with him anymore?
as he sits in the extremely uncomfortable chair of his new least favorite bar, he's confronted by this truth over and over again. he's not completely sure why he's even here — he hates this place, but he remembers you mentioning you liked to come here. in hindsight, there's no doubt that that was a way to hint that you'd like to come with him, but what use is it to recognize it now, after all this time?
not much, apparently. or at least that's what his conscience is telling him. he should leave, he thinks. he should stop coming here every night hoping he'll run into you because it's wrong to make you uncomfortable when you've said in no uncertain terms that you don't want him anymore. he should, he should, he should. and he will, really. in just a minute. that's what he tells himself, but he just watches the door as he drinks himself dry.
he's on the brink of literally passing out when he hears a sound he'd recognize anywhere: your laugh. he actually thinks he's hallucinating just because he wants to hear it so fucking badly, but it takes the sound of your voice to convince him it's real. you're actually here. he's incredibly drunk, so the idea of being tactful escapes him. he can't miss this chance.
-
you try, and try, and try some more, but you can't seem to forget beomgyu's last words to you. he loves you? you scoff at the idea. does he even know what love is? it doesn't feel like it. truly, it doesn't. if that's what his love feels like, you'd rather not feel it at all.
that's what you keep trying to hammer into your head along with the idea that you're doing well. and you are doing well. seriously. things with taehyun are better than ever and you can really see yourself building a life with him. everything feels so pure and brand new. your feelings for him may lack the intensity that you felt with beomgyu, but you had known him for years. it's only fair that you nurture the love that's blossoming between the two of you while smothering out the embers of what used to be with beomgyu. it's only right, right? it should be, but the way you're so torn makes your brain hurt.
so you decide to go to your favorite bar and forget about everything for the night. it's been a long while since you've let loose and you're excited. you're surrounded by your friends and you're ready to let go. it's only when you excuse yourself to get some fresh air that you realize fate has other plans.
when you're walking to the curb to take a seat, you feel a tug on your elbow and whip around. if there's some creep trying to get with you, there will be hell to pay.
"who the f—" you stop dead in your tracks as your eyes meet with beomgyu's misty ones. the ones you used to love so much.
"hey," he says weakly.
"what do you want?" you ask venomously while harshly yanking your elbow from his grasp. his lips purse and even in the dim lighting outside of the bar, you can see his eyes water even more. he's always been such a baby when he's drunk.
"i just wanna talk," he pleads. he sounds so out of it and looks so pathetic you almost feel bad for him. almost.
"i have nothing to say to you," you reply coldly.
"but i do." he sounds desperate to a degree that you sincerely never thought you'd hear.
"what, are you gonna tell me you love me again?" you retort with a roll of your eyes. you're obviously being sarcastic, but all he can think in his drunken state is how pretty your eyes shine, even when they're impatient to look away from him.
"if you're not gonna say anything, i'm leaving —" you snap, turning away, but beomgyu is awoken from his daze and gently pulls you back.
"n-no! i mean, yes. i love you, b-but that's not what i wanted to say."
"well, what did you want to say?" you ask, tone laced with annoyance. seeing that you'll actually give him a chance to hear him out, he scrambles to pull out his phone. you're confused for a few seconds before he pulls up his notes app and you see an alarmingly huge chunk of text. what the fuck?
"i-i wrote this for you," he says tremblingly — so anxious that the hand that holds his phone is visibly shaking. you cock your eyebrow when he clears his throat and begins.
"i was so, so inconsiderate of how you felt, and didn’t treat you with a lot of respect as a person, let alone as a partner. i didn't understand how hurt you would be by the things i did or didn't do. in a way, i still don't think i understand just how fully how i treated you affected you. especially when you were so hurt by me. especially when you’d hold onto those feelings for so long, whether you wanted to hold them or not. it's unbelievable to me that you stayed with me for as long as you did, a-and it’s a testament to your willpower, your resolve, and how much you really do — or did — love me. i don’t think i ever appreciated your love like i do now. i... i don’t know if i appreciate it fully even as i write this.
when i last saw you, i thought you were being cruel, but looking back, i can’t blame you. i can only admire you for not being worse, actually. roles reversed, i definitely would have been. i-i'm starting to understand how you must have felt, and why you probably want me to feel how you felt in the past. i know you think i am the one who owes you, and i do. i really owe you a lot. i owe you more than you ever asked me for.
so i want to make it up to you. i really do. and i'm hoping that i can really change. i'm – i just miss you so much i can't stand it anymore. i-if you don’t feel the same way, or don’t care, or however it is, i understand. but i meant it when i said i love you, and i mean it now when i say that i'm so, so incredibly sorry," his voice cracks as he finishes and hot tears threaten to find their way down his face.
"beomgyu..." you begin, not really sure what to say. what can you say? and any hope he has of being with you is almost extinguished when he sees how much you pity him in this moment, but he'll hold on for as long as you'll let him.
"you said you saw the real me. you know i'm not all bad, right? i'm a piece of shit, but i can't be all bad," he pleads, tears now streaming unabashedly from his eyes. maybe if he can just find the right words, you won't leave him.
"beomgyu," you sigh, "i've never thought that about you. i know you're not all bad," his face perks up at this and he's tempted to bury his face in your neck and sob in pure relief. the pain he's been feeling for the past few months is about to be over because you understand him. always have. even though he's like this, you can still see the good in him. just the thought alone is enough to fill him with pure ecstasy. he goes to close the distance between the two of you to pull you into his embrace, but you gently place your hand on his chest before he can come any closer.
"thank you for telling me how you feel, beomgyu, but if you think you can fix everything with a few words from your notes app, you're delusional." his face crumbles at this and a sense of panic and dread pools in his stomach.
"w-what? b-but you said —"
"i know you're sorry and i know you'd probably try to make it up to me if i let you, but that's not enough. you really hurt me, okay? and it's just, you know, i'm finally happy now. and i have taehyun. i really like him, beomgyu. and he really likes me," you say with a fond smile, as if you're thinking of taehyun right now, and his heart shatters into a million pieces. the former him would probably be throwing a tantrum right now, but he said he'd change for you, so he says what you'd never expect him to.
"it's okay," he smiles bitterly, tears still flowing freely. "i... i understand. i just want you to be happy. i want you to be so happy. you deserve it."
"but..."
"go back in," he sniffs. "you don't need to stay here with me anymore." he swipes at his eyes with his sleeve and tries to send you off with a smile, but it's so forlorn you wish he'd just keep frowning.
"... okay." you turn away, and even though he told you to do it, he can't help but feel an even bigger lump in his throat now that you're actually listening to him.
"beomgyu?" you say softly, before you enter the door.
his damned heart can't help but flutter again against his will.
"yes?"
"don't wait for me anymore, okay?" how are you so cruel but so merciful at the same time? he should say okay, but the ugly and selfish part of him refuses to lie, so he just shakes his head and waves you off. his love is ugly and his heart is broken, but it's still yours to have.
"I'm sorry," he murmurs again to nobody but himself as you enter the bar.
notes pt. 2: the next chapter will be the final chapter. it will probably be relatively short, so keep that in mind. anyway, feedback is always appreciated :)
masterlist
#niningtori#to know him is to love him and i do#txt angst#beomgyu#txt beomgyu#beomgyu x reader#beomgyu x you#beomgyu fic#txt#txt fic#tomorrow x together#toxic!beomgyu#txt imagines#txt scenarios#txt headcanons#beomgyu headcanons#beomgyu imagines#beomgyu scenarios
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"You're going to have to."
I don't usually write meta on account of doing my best to avoid Fandom Drama like the plague and even a hint of Star Wars meta is like a siren call to Drama but. I have Thoughts about this scene and now I'm going to share them and if you're here for anti-Mace Windu thoughts this is not the post for you my friend.
Every time I see meta or reference to this scene it's used as more 'proof' that Windu was totally the worst and we shouldn't feel at all bad about him being maimed and thrown to his death which sure is a take, and on the surface I can understand why. When you don't bother to look more into that scene it does come off as Windu being a rude bitch to a child whose dad died in front of him, which is pretty uncool.
But this is a meta post and I am here to look more into this scene. I want to start with the concept of forgiveness, because when I go, I go big. I feel like a lot of the antipathy toward this scene (and by extension toward Windu) come from the fact that again, on a surface-level reading, it looks like Windu is demanding Boba's forgiveness for Jango's death, when we all know that's not how that works. That is, in fact, a concept that to most of us is viscerally offensive- our knee-jerk reaction is something more along the lines of "screw you i resent you more now" than it is "well okay that seems reasonable". Because you can't just demand somebody's forgiveness and expect it to happen. All that is is another wrong against the person you've already wronged. It's pure conceitedness and self-interest.
It's also not what Windu was trying to say to Boba in that scene. Not even remotely, in my opinion, and I'll explain why.
Think about the way the Jedi teach, particularly the way they teach philosophical concepts- they don't simply tell their students what to think, they tell them something and then make them think about themselves. Jedi are always expected to look deeper into a lesson to see what they can get out of it, this is the way Windu's lived his whole life, of course this is the way he speaks to Boba even though Boba's not a Jedi.
It's not exactly a hot take to say that Mace Windu and Boba Fett have very different ways of approaching the world. This is important to remember, though, because it guides the way that Windu interacts with Boba in this scene. When Boba swears he's never going to forgive him, Windu looks him in the eye and says, "Well, you're going to have to." And when he says that he's not saying that as some kind of ultimatum, he's saying that as a statement of fact.
What Windu is really saying to Boba in this scene isn't "forgive me 'cuz i said so". What he's saying is "your father cannot come back, and you will have to find a way to live with that so it doesn't consume you". Because what was Boba saying when he said "I'll never forgive you"? It wasn't just "I hate you", it was "I hate you, and I hate you so much that I don't care who I destroy in the process of destroying you". Sure, he expresses regret for all of the actual human beings that died because of his actions, but he follows it up with an utter refusal to acknowledge that those actions were wrong. What he was saying was "I hate you, and I hate you so much that I don't care who I destroy in the process of destroying you, even if it's myself."
Boba has done some genuinely horrible things by this point. He's put other children's lives at risk. He's crashed a star destroyer and killed who knows how many people. Maybe he didn't shoot the injured clones himself when they went in and took their hostages, but they wouldn't have died there if it weren't for him. He is directly responsible for the death of a man whose only crime was walking through the wrong door at the wrong time. He has charged headfirst down a path of death and destruction that will spread misery everywhere he goes.
And now Windu- who has just lost all of these men, lost Ponds, nearly lost his own life to Boba's actions- is looking down at this twelve-year-old boy, and he doesn't want this for him. He so badly doesn't want this for him, but he cannot make Boba's choices. All he can do is try and tell him "this path you're on is not worth it".
Because that, in my opinion, is what he means when he says "You're going to have to." He's not saying that he's entitled to anything from Boba (because he might have killed Jango in self-defense, but his motives and intentions don't change the fact that his actions hurt Boba), he's saying that Boba has to let go of that hatred before it ruins his life.
Which is exactly what it does! What happens to Boba in the end? He continues alone down his path of hate and misery, until he gets eaten by a sarlacc and enslaved by Tuskens. He had so little, and he loses even that. And it's no one's fault but his own.
But.
But. Finally, so many years after he started down that path, he does what Windu said. Finally, he lets that anger go. Finally, he gets to become what he could have been if he hadn't let himself be consumed by his rage. And that's why I liked The Book of Boba Fett, despite its flaws, because we get to see that change. After forty-odd years of strife, Boba finally gets to be a man at peace. And that's exactly what I think Windu would have wanted.
#i drank four mai tais and stayed up til 2 am and these are the thoughts that came out#pro jedi#in defense of the jedi#my star wars opinions#star wars#star wars prequels#the clone wars#star wars meta#mace windu#boba fett#long post
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🐶The Moon’s Message to Your Inner Child ♦︎ Timeless Pick A Card
This PAC is in collaboration with @faerytreealtars and her part of the PAC covers a message from the Sun🌞Check out her PAC to get a full circle reading~🍃😉
["Wisdom from the Sun" – how to reach your divine self]
‘Do you like to draw with crayons? I’m not very good at it. But it doesn’t matter. It’s the fun of doing it that’s important. Now, I wouldn’t have made that if I’d just thought about it. No matter how anybody says it is, it feels good to have made something. The best thing is that each person’s would be different. In a way, you’ve already won in this world. Because you’re the only one who can be you. And that’s the way it’s supposed to be.’ – Mr Rogers
SONG: Take Me by Miso
MOVIE: Finding Neverland (2004) & Goodbye Christopher Robin (2017)
[PAC Masterlist] [Patreon] [Paid Readings]
☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・.
Pile 1 – Kinder and Kinder to Your Younger Self
VIBE: BAD MODE by Utada Hikaru
your heart’s secret desires – XIX The Sun
You are actually somebody who believes deeply in world peace. You desperately want to see the world become a sweetly welcoming place for all, especially children and animals. You have a belief that children and animals are so deserving of gentleness and safety. But you often forget that all adults are just as deserving of the same kindness we bestow children and cute animals.
At some point if Life, you grew up and became tough. I think you thought that you needed to become so. I think your environment made you believe it was important to become so tough the world you wouldn’t beat you to it. You’ve experienced quite a bit of hardships, too, so it was rather easy to fall prey to this cruel notion that adults must all toughen up.
‘If you’re tough with yourself, the world will be gentle with you.’ ??
Though it may seem like those words contain so much practical wisdom, deep down, your heart is terribly disturbed by it. There’s just something that’s not quite right about it. If everybody is hard on themselves… how can anybody be gentle with someone else?
in your element – 2 of Swords
Irrespective of what your Moon Sign is or where in your natal chart it is placed, you’re technically not a person who wants to toughen up. I think you’re a deeply sensitive Soul who still believes that patience and compassion can solve many of the world’s problems. Because in fact, your Higher Heart knows this to be true. You’re somebody who can make real compromises to accommodate the needs of others and you’re genuinely capable of real charity because you’re the type that tries to understand wholeheartedly where somebody else is coming from.
When you help others, you do so with their best interest at heart and you don’t even expect anything in return. When you are useful to other people, when your existence can improve other people’s life situations, you feel most like yourself. All that you hope for is that people are at minimum grateful because when people are grateful, they’re really only increasing their own ability to manifest even more ease and abundance. You’re not even expecting them to be grateful to you. My goodness, you must be God🤩
But uhm… You sure, honey, you’re not compromising way too much because you’re also somewhat people pleasing for a lack of gentleness in your childhood?
making dreams a Reality – V The Hierophant
See, The Sun is no.19 in the Major Arcana; that reduces to 10. The Hierophant is no.5 and this is telling me that you’re about halfway to manifesting all your dreams of ease and world peace. The half of your manifestation is already stored in your Higher Heart and you have nothing to worry about it. What you do need to focus on is learning to be kinder and gentler with your own younger self. You’re so kind and accommodating to others but often forget that you need tender care yourself.
There’s a possibility that you grew up with stern adults who didn’t know how to be gentle with children. You grew up being a victim to this kind of behaviour so you overcompensate by being overly nice to others because you don’t want to become like them. But you’re still hard on yourself because this is like already programmed in your subconscious, and if you notice, you have a tendency to also be quite stern with those closest to you. And wow… that often kinda gets messy.
Can you imagine if you became a parent yourself? You could become a perpetrator of a cycle of old people pointing fingers at young people who are still trying to figure out their place in the world. I don’t think you’d be happy with yourself in your older years when you realise you haven’t broken this pattern yourself. I believe you’re someone who wants to leave a legacy of a more peaceful nature🍂It begins by creating a new world by creating a new you, after forgiving yourself for past mistakes you made when you didn’t yet know so much🍃
INNER ALCHEMY🔻❤️
balancing logic and emotions – Silver Astrologer (John Dee)
speaking with conviction – Priestess of Inspiration
Access full reading + cards on Patreon🌸
☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・.
Pile 2 – Baby Venus, You Came Here to Beautify This World
VIBE: Forever by aespa
your heart’s secret desires – Ace of Cups
You are for sure a Lightworker. Maybe even a Starseed. Or something of a cosmic mystic. Could also be from the faery or elven realm. The point is, your Soul is deeply connected to a realm other than this Earth we perceive consciously right now. That makes your heart EXTRA pure and sparkly because the essence of your being is more refined, baby!
What does it even mean to be Human? Often you don’t have an answer to that. Only thing is, a lot of things about common human conducts that seem to denote their humanness don’t seem all too humane for you. It’s like you’re wondering, ‘If these are the traits that make people Human… then what am I? Because I certainly am not that harsh, deceitful, destructive, or whatever else!’
You have a strong morality about you and you should damn well honour this. The Human world is ugly, indeed, and from your place of beauty, your Soul volunteered to be born here to teach Humans about beauty. Beauty is nice. Beauty is good. Beauty elevates the Human Spirit and if only more people would open themselves to the possibilities, surely everyone would be a lot happier than they are now.
That’s your philosophy, more or less✨🪷
in your element – VI The Lovers Rx
You may resonate to a large extent with being an activist of sort. Whether or not you call yourself an activist or are involved in any real activist project, you know deep down that you’ve always been an activist before even knowing such a term exists. You want to fight for something good in this world. You want to bring an end to all these uncomfortable things that you are witnessing being perpetuated in the Human world. Problem is…
It's been quite hard for you to find people who are on the same bandwidth of frequency as yourself. I think you have a lifelong mission to find your Soul Tribe whilst being incarnate on Earth. I mean, your kind is far and between, honey. It may take some time to find each other and unite for a good cause.
Although you may feel misunderstood and lonely from time to time, the way I see it, you could view this whole journey to finding kindred spirits as a wholesome adventure story. Like a fairy tale, you know. After all, you are a faery. Your Life Story has a purpose to beautify the human spirit later when all’s weaved together to create a grander story with your kindred spirits. It’s all written in the stars already, so might as well enjoy the story writing itself from now🧚🏻♀️
making dreams a Reality – II The High Priestess
For you really aren’t of this world, I sense that you actually possess some kind of a superpower. Sure, others might think you’re a weirdo (even a freak for some of you) and that your interests and hobbies are strange and taboo. But what do they know? These mortals are prisoners of their own fake realities.
Since you were a kid, you’ve always known there are holes within this perceived reality and somehow, you’ve always believed there are ways you can bend reality with thought alone. You kinda just didn’t know exactly how that works, you just know it. Like breathing—unless you’ve studied biology, you wouldn’t know how to explain how breathing works but you just know that it happens and how it feels. Something like that.
Your connection to your personal spirituality, your personal occult practices, and everything else of that nature, holds the key to making your Divine Dreams a part of this mortal reality. It’s a beautiful process that only you can experience in your own divine ways, so I can’t tell you what to do exactly to manifest your Destiny. You’ve just gotta keep going at what you know to be your truth🧜🏻♀️
And the truth is, you are a magical being who doesn’t even play in the same dimension as the mortals😉Keep doing your magical shit!
INNER ALCHEMY🔻💗
balancing logic and emotions – Silver Astronomer (Galileo Galilei)
speaking with conviction – Priestess of Illumination
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Pile 3 – Don’t Kill Your Dreams No Matter How Wild
VIBE: Anata (Darling) by Utada Hikaru
your heart’s secret desires – 5 of Cups
Hellow, wildchild. It seems you’ve been through quite a bit in Life. There was something in your childhood that erupted in ways your child mind couldn’t have anticipated and it broke you emotionally and spiritually. You’re a pretty logical person, actually, so there’s a part of you that’s been wishing you could get over this heartache. But it hasn’t been easy, at all.
The reason for that is that you care too much. Because you’re incredibly sensitive and kind, you couldn’t help but care. Your heart gets easily disturbed by any small distortion you perceive in this Matrix Reality. You have spidey senses for this kind of thing. Your inner world is so expansive and this is partly why you always feel like you want to help. You want justice to win over evil.
You tend to feel like you’re the one who has to be strong and prove everything to everyone. Not only are you helpful, but you’re truly heroic! That’s how I see it😎The problematic thing is… human beings are not exactly a grateful bunch, so… Maybe being so helpful and heroic isn’t always the best way to nurture your Soul whilst living in this human world?
in your element – Page of Wands Rx
I’m not saying you should stop caring and become a coldhearted bitch. But perhaps posing to be one is a good strategy to preserve your sanity?😜The truth of the matter is that you’re really too precious for this world. You know when people say, ‘We don’t deserve this man or woman or dog or cat.’ You’re exactly like that.
Your passion for making the world a better place is often used against you. I’m kind of thinking of someone like Elon Musk in your case. He was bullied badly at school, but look what he’s doing now. He’s making attempts to improve the lives of everybody that even those bullies are bound to benefit from his passionate work. The haters today are probably gonna benefit just the same, right?
Well, I’m a coldhearted bitch, so my petty view is that these losers don’t deserve to benefit from the works of Elon Musk LMAO But what do you think of yourself? I know that in this lifetime you are going to make great leaps that will improve the lives of those you care about. But what about your heart? Will you be able to forgive those who have made hell out of your Life? Or will you become a vengeful barbie bitch who shows them the door to hell of their own making?
It’s up to you and it should be a very exciting spectacle to anticipate👻
making dreams a Reality – XII The Hanged Man Rx
The Hanged Man is a card that has some relations to The Lovers (to think you even get the Priestess of Love for the bonus content🤯). The Hanged Man often talks about compromises and sacrifices. It’s like, when you love and care so much you’re bound to make sacrifices because the world is far from utopian. In an ideal world we wouldn’t have to hurt just to manifest blessings and abundance, for ourselves or everybody else. But… this is what we have, so…
But although this world is messy and hurtful, it wouldn’t be wise for you to reduce the brilliance of your dreams just to avoid heartache or disappointments. You’re avantgarde; not that many people can see the value of what you wish to achieve with your talents. Never kowtow to the convention. Although you’re helpful and a very pleasant person to be around, you’ve got your own big dreams that are needed by the community. I think you just haven’t allowed yourself to fully embrace this idea.
Know that you’re supported by the cosmos in pursuing to improve what you know to be your true talents. One day, the world will be so grateful that you never gave up on your Light. But when that day comes, what’s your care? Gratitude is the least of your concerns. Basically you just want to live on your own terms and create magical pathways for the world to enter into🌏Whilst at it, might as well do whatever you like🌞
INNER ALCHEMY🔻🧡
balancing logic and emotions – Gold Historian (Raphael Holinshed)
speaking with conviction – Priestess of Love
Access full reading + cards on Patreon🌸
☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・. ☆♪°・.
[PAC Masterlist] [Patreon] [Paid Readings]
#Punk Panda Pick A Pic#pick a card#pick a card reading#tarot pick a card#pac#pac reading#tarot pac#inner child#mental health#spiritualhealing#mindset#positivity#productivity#artists on tumblr#astroblr#tarotblr#writblr#witchblr#witchythings#future spouse
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evermore
“and when i was shipwrecked, i thought of you.”
pairing: finnick o’dair x reader
summary: even in the dark times, even when the pain seemed to be for evermore, the thought of you made that all go away.
requested!
warnings/contains: angst maybe, fluff, lmk if i should add more
a/n: with this fic i realised how bad i actually am in writing. i apologise anon for not doing your request any justice i will probably rewrite or edit it once i’ve finished writing all the requests. TYSM for this request tho i absolutely love writing tswift inspired fics 🤭🤭
Where did it all go wrong.
That was the question that kept you up at night and haunted you during the day. It was strange how, no matter how hard you tried to please people, they still found a reason or way to stab you in the back. Finnick was one of the many people, who obeyed the capitols every wish. The main reason being to save his loved ones. And even that wasn’t enough.
No, because the people wanted entertainment, they wanted something more. They wanted to be astonished, blown away.
You knew that by now. Because why else would president Snow make the decision to reap from the existing pool of victors. Because why else would the love of your life, the person you called your home be reaped again. It was all to satisfy the capitol and make them feel even more powerful than they already are.
The moment the woman from the capitol fished a small piece of paper out of the bowl with the reaped one’s name on it, you knew it would be Finnick. When she said the first letter, your prediction was confirmed. And without even hearing the entire name, you broke out into tears.
You watched as your boyfriend tried to be nonchalant about it, smiling through the pain like he always did. But when they zoomed in on his face, you were crying uncontrollably. It didn’t help that you weren’t allowed to come with him either.
However, until the day he left the district you both lived in, you never left his side. Even if it weren’t allowed, even if it meant being threatened by the peacekeeper. Frankly, you couldn’t care less, because all you could care about was your Finnick. The one who was about to relive the torture he did when he was fourteen all over again.
All you could do now was watch him through a screen, something about it bringing some sort of comfort. Because you could see him.
The day of the ceremony was a tough one.
You could tell from everything you saw of him, that the stress and anxiety had gotten to him.
And you were right. He couldn’t function properly without you by his side. Finnick felt as if all the life was sucked out of him and that he would never feel alive again. Nonetheless, he smiled like he was enjoying fighting for his death again. He had to put on a show or else his chances of survival would decrease.
The way the crowd cheered when he was standing next to Caesar flew over his head. Because his thoughts were absolutely consumed by you. Flickerman talked to him, but he didn’t process a single word he was saying. “I heard from a little bird that you have message for somebody. A special somebody.” Caesar said, emphasising the special as he looked at the audience with a smug look.
Finnick’s smile turned more genuine when Flickerman mentioned the special somebody, which was you. The thought of hopefully seeing you again was the only thing keeping him from going insane. So with you in his mind, he started talking in the microphone. “My love,” The crowded room screamed hysterically, but he talked over it, his lips quivering, “You have my heart. For all eternity.”
The image of you sitting on the couch popped into his head and he wished desperately that he was with you right now. “And if…” He continued, but he had a hard time finding the right words. Flickerman nodded at him encouragingly, wondering where this was leading. “If I die in that arena… my last thought will be of your lips.” Your boyfriend tried his best to hold his composure and appear calm and confident, but inside he was breaking down.
After that, the games went by in a blur. The only thing you could vividly remember during the hard times, was the dream you had about Finnick. A dream that you would cherish forever, because it gave you hope of him surviving.
Soon enough, before you knew it, the capitol had taken you because of what happened during the quarter quell. You were watching the games, hoping that the plan your lover and his allies had made would go well. And remember Katniss shooting a bow at the middle of the dome. Before you knew it, the peacekeepers were infiltrating your house. They took you with them, but you can’t recall exactly how and what happened then.
When being held captive by the capitol, Finnick was the only thing you thought about. You weren’t aware if he was alright or not and it scared you more than anything. You snapped out of your thoughts when there was a knock on your door. President Snow himself walked in, accompanied by a woman you had seen by his side a lot recently. It took everything in your power not to jump at and attack him, so you did in your imagination. You imagined strangling him as he talked to you, however, you didn’t care one bit about what he was saying.
But as soon as your lover’s name was mentioned, your ears perked up. “We will find him, dear. And when he sees you, it won’t be long before he will leave district thirteen.”
Some kind of joy bloomed inside your chest, because even though his statement scared you, you were relieved that your Finnick was alive and well.
Finnick didn’t know anything about your state, but he blamed himself for everything that happened to you. He shut himself in his room all day, thinking about you, wishing he was with you, thinking about how things would be like in an alternative universe. He wasn’t aware of his surroundings anymore, being absolutely consumed by and in his thoughts.
Your name was the only word that left his mouth.
One day, Finnick heard about the plans to save you, Johanna and Peeta. And from that day on, he was more involved in everything that happened. Because all he wanted was for you to be with him again and he would do everything it took to get
you back to him. The day of executing the plan finally came and it went by swiftly, however for Finnick, it felt as if a million years passed by. Everything felt out of place without you.
After his interview, which was meant to distract both president Snow and the capitol, he rushed to Katniss. He interrogated her about if it had worked, but even she was unsure if it was a success.
Finnick waited for hours, pacing through his room anxiously. The only thing running through his mind being you, like always. He started to realise how just the thought of you had brought him so far. Because without you, he wouldn’t have cared if he passed away in that arena. Without you, he wouldn’t do his best to keep himself alive and to openly talk about what Snow did to him. Because for you, he would do anything. Anything you wanted him to do.
When he heard yelling coming from down the hall, his eyes widened. Was it possible that they were back with you guys already? Finnick didn’t waste any time and before he knew it, he was standing next to Katniss, waiting for Coin to tell them what was going on. But when he saw Johanna lying on a hospital bed, he knew enough.
You were somewhere here too.
He greeted Johanna, thankful that she was saved as well, before looking around to find you. Finnick asked every person he ran into, anyone that might know where you were. But everyone was so busy with everything they were doing, that they didn’t respond to him.
At this point, Finnick entered any room there was, in hopes to find you after the long separation. He searched every room, investigated every hall, but there was no sign of you.
Your lover was frantically looking around, when you awoke. And even though you were unaware about where you were, the only thing that mattered was that Finnick was right there. You wanted to call out his name, but there was no sound coming out of your mouth.
But you didn’t need words, because your boyfriend could feel your presence. When your gazes locked, Finnick didn’t waste a second when making his way over to you. He pushed away everyone that crossed his path, and pushed the doctors surrounding you aside.
Finnick halted right next to you, tears swelling up in both your and his eyes. He picked you up, not caring about the man that told him not to. He wrapped his arms around you so strongly, you were sure you would never get out of his grip.
Many tears left your eyes as you were finally in the arms of your home.
Finnick pulled away after a long time and took a good look at you, before pressing his lips against yours like a starved man. Hungry for you and your touch, he kissed you like you were all alone, with no one around. The only reason the two of you pulled away, was the lack of oxygen, and when you did you flashed him a smile.
“I finally kissed the lips that were on my mind the entire time.” Finnick whispered, his arms still wrapped around you. With a chuckle you planted another kiss on his lips, before pulling him in again for another hug. Being with your lover restored all the hope and will to live again.
And with him you were sure, that this pain wouldn’t be for evermore.
#finnick odair#fluff#finnick odair x reader#finnick x reader#the hunger games#thg fanfiction#thg finnick#finnick oneshot#finnick x y/n#finnick x you#finnick imagine
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Pretend
Pairing:Newt x female reader
Summary:To help savor the rest of his time here, Newt keeps pretending to be fine.
I was breaking. Slowly, steadily, gradually, I was falling apart. I was going to be something evil, something not even recognizable as once human.
Maybe I should say something. Maybe I should tell somebody. Maybe I should speak up and request a side mission for another cure like the one Brenda got.
If we focus on me though, all of the attention won't be on Minho. That would make saving him harder than it has to be because of me. I can't do that to him. I won't do that to my best friend.
It’s wrong how now that I actually want to live I’m going to die. It’s every level of messed up that there is. I overcame so much. I felt okay waking up in the morning. I made friends who mean the world. I got an amazing girlfriend that I had an entire future planned with.
Not anymore I guess. Just as my life begins, it will end. Just like that, it's lights out for me.
Sighing, I sat on the roof, ignoring the chill from the morning air. In my short sleeves, I looked at the growing bite, wondering how it could all come to this.
Deep down, I know Y/N will come looking for me soon. She’s not a very good sleeper so when she wakes up and realizes I’m not there, she’ll try to find me. She probably will too. I’ll probably tell another lie for the sake of keeping attention off of me.
Figuring there was too much sunlight for comfort now even though it was just my eyes adjusting, I slipped my jacket pack on and went to leave. Plus, I swear that I'm going to vomit if I kept looking at it. I’m both repulsed by it and amazed that I’ve kept this under wraps for so long. Surely, that's some kind of record. Longest hidden Crank transformation. That's worthy of a trophy.
Too bad the reward is Minho living a nice life and me dying.
While I’m nothing but relieved that he’ll end up okay, I’m admittedly bitter about the cards I’ve been dealt. It's like the game was rigged from the start and definitely not in my favor.
I’m a lot more tired than I’ve ever been now, and I know that getting up hours before everyone else isn't helping. I’m sure it will take a toll on my face too. I’m probably going to die with dark bags under my eyes.
I’ve got to play it cool until then. I’ve got to go under the radar, get Minho, and make sure everyone I care about and love gets out of the city and to the Safe Haven. Plain and simple.
Putting my hand on the door, I went to open it only for it to fly open, nearly hitting me in the face. Letting go, I quickly backed away a safe distance. Standing straight up, I found myself completely calm. I guess after getting jumped by a bunch of Cranks the things that used to startle you just seem less significant.
My girl was standing there, a sheepish expression on her face as she apologized for not knocking. Playing with her hands, she met my eyes as waited for me to respond.
“It's okay. You didn't know I was here,”I assured her, giving her a genuine, hopefully regular smile. Letting out a relieved sigh, she then asked what I was doing up here anyways.
As I looked at her, at her sweet face, at her warm eyes, at her soft lips, at her gentle and full of kindness personality, I was overcome with the urge to blurt it all out. I just wanted to drop to my knees and cry. I just wanted her to promise that she wouldn't even tell anybody but instead hold me tight and never let me go.
“Just thinking,”I shrugged.
I would not be doing any of those things. Not today, not tomorrow, and not for as long as I can help it. While I’m still in control, I’m going to savor every bit of it.
I'm also going to treasure every second I have left with her. Not the stressed out ones spent arguing and planning. Nice and peaceful moments that would give her just a few more good memories before I left.
“Do you want to sit out here for a little bit and watch the sunrise with me?”I offered.
“Of course. You know that's basically my favorite date with you,”She accepted, a wide grin on her face as she stepped out and shut the door behind her. Wrapping my arm around her shoulder, I placed a kiss on her temple as I walked her over to the edge to just sit and talk.
“Yeah. Mine too,”I agreed. Resting her head on my shoulder, she held my hand that was around her as her other was on my knee. Placing my free hand over that one, I traced circles on her knuckles with my thumb as I took a deep breath, taking in her scent of honey. A scent just as soft and comforting as her.
“I know you tell me I say it enough, but just in case I haven't lately, I love you,”She told me, the happiness clear as day in her tone.
“I love you too. Remember that no matter what I’ll never stop loving you? Remember that I only ever want you to be happy? Okay?”I whispered, holding back a lump in my throat.
“I know that, and moments like these are enough to keep me going. They're that consistent, good thing that I just know we’ll have forever. You know what I mean?”
Closing my eyes to stop the tears, I squeezed her hand as I tried to pretend her words were true.
“Yeah. I do.”
#newt x you#newt x y/n#newt x reader#newt maze runner#maze runner newt#tmr newt#newt tmr#the maze runner#tmr#newt oneshot#oneshot#fluff and angst#angst#fluff
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So the question I have is: Boston, why?
Like what was the point of this whole mess in the end of episode? I’m not complaining, I love mess, but I genuinely don’t understand. Especially the moment that he revealed the information about photos of Mew and Ray - to Ray. Wasn’t the smartest thing to do I would say.
So we see Boston in this episode being fine. Like he’s spending time with Nick and chilling and doing nothing dramatic. Even when Mew and Top come across - he does that bombastic side eye thing
But ten seconds later he’s totally enjoying his time with Nick and doesn’t seem bothered at all
We have Mew calling him with existing news TM and okay Boston is not happy there. But later he’s again totally fine with Nick, asking to stay over for the first time and it doesn’t look like he’s plotting something.
Even when he catches Sand and Ray he seems surprised but not in a bad way.
Well, until Nick brings up the fact that it’s not the first time those two having quality time together
And than they partying their shit out and having fun until what? What triggered Boston so hard? Nick asking SandRay about their relationship status? SandRay being clingy? Ray asking to stay over?
Like he shifted from this
to this
without any reason?
And okay, Jojo’s explanation here is fine - that’s how Boston is, he hates seeing people happy.
But it’s not like Sand and Ray were that happy of a couple? I mean they were clearly wasted and enjoyed each other a lot. But so as Boston with Nick? And it’s not like SandRay have something Boston hasn’t. He literally has the same relationship with Nick - even better, because these two actually discussed their status. And while Boston doesn’t know about Nick’s obsession and him recording the car scene - from his perspective they are all great. So it’s not about jealousy. These two are way messier from his perspective
Okay, Ray moving forward from Mew wasn’t part of his plan - but his plan already failed? So it’s not about TopMew thing. And anyway Ray wasn’t that important part of a plan in a first place.
And Boston seemed okay with Sand before, why hurting him? The whole “Sand has a right to know” topic is hmm okay but it’s not like Boston being real about his feelings towards Top with Nick so. Not about justice also.
So is it somehow about Ray? Like really Boston just doesn’t want his alcoholic suicidal friend (can I use this word or) to have some happiness in his life? That’s just cruel and also unreasonable. Or it’s just Boston being drunk and high and not controlling himself very well? Those situations can escalate quickly it’s a fact.
Can please someone explain to me what was his thought process here? Any assumptions please?
Side note but if somebody looked at me like Sand I would be really scared and shut up immediately
In conclusion, Boston, go to your room and think about that behavior
#ofts#only friends#only friends the series#only friends boston#I get it he’s a mess but what was his point here#anyway I love him he’s doing great I guess
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WAIT I WAS SPAMMING MARIUS TO INTERACT WITH HIM IN VISIT FOR FUN AND HE SAID “my brother used to buy me clothes. he had a better sense of fashion than me” (or something v similar to this, I got the intimacy level up screen half way through) and I’m like AGH the angst, he even took marius on shopping trips 😭 😭 😭 maybe marius buys clothes based on what giann would pick 😭
WAHHHH yes thats one of my favorite lines from his regular interactions!!! i love how it gives a glimpse of marius and giann's relationship, even if it's a very mundane detail. theres two things i wanna say about this though
1 ) while the line seems to be nostalgic in a way, i also like the implication/thematic tie in that marius growing out of his brother's shadow (even if the circumstances that Led to this happening are less than ideal)
like, theres several stories that show that other people saw marius as lesser or as somebody simply in his brother's shadow and not a person himself. but among marius' key story themes methinks is individuality and carving out his own identity for himself and expressing that identity while bound to a world that is so strict about how he "must" present himself
(sidenote: this is an incredibly queercoded theme to me and i mean that genuinely! the radical decision to be himself against all the "norms" of what the society surrounding him wants him to be!)
(sidenote 2: marius actually shares this theme with vyn a LOT. royal expectations and high class expectations. except that vyn made the radical decision to leave, which is in itself still a valid and worthwhile expression of his individuality. also vyn chose a new name for himself that is so lgbt of him)
so yeah, while giann was the one taking care of marius' clothes (and thus, in a way, marius' image) (though this doesnt strike me as a bad thing, more just in an overbearing protective caring older brother sense) (i hc giann has a lot of guilt in failing marius during their childhoods so he overcompensated in a lot of ways and maybe one of the ways was HEY MARIUS LET'S GO SHOPPING)—SORRY IM GETTING OFF TOPIC. anyway while giann was the one buying clothes in the beginning, that obviously is no longer the case now. so much like the other spheres of marius' life, he needs to employ his individuality in this smaller mundane way as well.
so while i think marius does, every once in a while, buy some clothes because it was what giann would pick, i think he does this out of nostalgia and out of how much he misses giann. not because the image giann had helped him make is one he necessarily fully and only ascribes to. i think marius by and large chooses his own clothes based on his own tastes and identity that he has now made for himself
and i think hes done a pretty good job! marius' outfits are AWESOME. quick shoutouts to my favorite outfits of his:
(sidenote 3: i know that last one, the pink denim jacket one, had POLARIZED audiences but sue me i personally love it jHVKJHSDF i think it is so fun and so campy and pink suits him well)
ANYHOO the second thing i wanna bring up is
2 ) IM SO CURIOUS AS TO WHAT GIANN'S FASHION SENSE IS
i know many many of us have seen giann's sprite already from the cn server bday 3 card of marius, but that sprite showed him in a very formal outfit. i wanna know what his casual day to day fashion sense is like. is it soft cardigans core? something more streetwear? dark academia? JVSKFJHDVFS
i personally think his fashion sense would be in a perpetual state of smart casual. i have no basis for this, this is just me going off of vibes.
thanks for the ask!!
#tears of themis#marius von hagen#tot marius#lu jinghe#asks#anon#i should write an analysis on all the queercoded themes i see in each nxx boy....beCAUSE THEY ALL HAVE AT LEAST ONE
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My biggest problem with Staticmoth is that there's a LOT more evidence for Val being shitty to Vox then there is of Vox being shitty to Val. Like, Val throws shit at Vox, yells at him, breaks his stuff, and out right manipulates him on screen, while the best I can come up with for Vox treating Val poorly is like. The cameras in the club scene, Vox yelling "THIS IS BETTER THAN SEX" in the finale and the fact that I wouldn't put it past him, but those are all flimsy at best and just like, kind of nonsense at worst?(and before anybody brings it up, no Vox is not abusing Val during their interaction before Stayed Gone. He is having a reasonable reaction to somebody he cares about threatening to shoot up a building that literally contains the second most powerful being in Hell, putting both Val's life and their collective image on the line. I go into depth about it in this post if you still aren't convinced)
The camera thing is a weak argument because we don't know enough about Vox's watching habits of Val to really come to a solid conclusion on this, but based off of how Velvette had to alert Vox to Val's tantrum in episode 2, I think it's safe to say Vox isn't constantly watching him. The way the cameras follow Val's movements could also just mean that they. Detect motion. And follow the motion. To make sure they're recording anything that might be important? Which to be fair, we don't know for sure if that's the case, but we ALSO don't know for sure if they're locked onto Val specifically, so either way we're really just making assumptions.
As for "THIS IS BETTER THAN SEX", this may just be my inability to read social cues and asexuality coming through, but I don't really get how yelling "this is better than sex" would be an insult to the entire porn industry? Like, if I saw somebody saying that I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that they are insulting the very concept of sex, unless they seemed genuinely unenthusiastic about the thing they were calling better than sex. Also, should be noted that even if Val took offense to the comment(which given his expression in the scene I think he did? And it's also not an entirely unreasonable thing to be a little insulted by), Vox wasn't TRYING to insult him. That comment was not directed at Valentino or his work. This is something that could be worked out with a very simple conversation. Which is more than I can say for how Val was acting before Stayed Gone, but I digress...
I think, of these, the best argument I have in favor of them being mutually toxic is just. I wouldn't put it past Vox. I could see him being a manipulative piece of shit partner, that feels in line with his characterization thus far. Hell, I've compared him to both Spike BtVS and Gideon Graves before, who are, for the record, pretty bad people to enter a relationship with for most of their time in their respective franchises. Like they both get better but still- not good. The thing is though, there just isn't any EVIDENCE that he's actually doing anything to Val! In fact, I'd argue there's more evidence against it, given how Vox seems to be generally detatched from the other Vees work as a whole. Like they advertise and work together, sure, but Vox is never in any of the Love Potion ads, and Vel and Val are never in any of the VoxTek ads. The only advertisements where Vox is with either of them are the ones that are just meant to build hype for the Vees as a collective(the big Vees poster we see in the background & the silly icecreams). Vox doesn't seem to be that controlling of the other Vees. He's also just- really good to Velvette? Like he stays out of her business and the two act genuinely affectionate towards eachother(I've also gone more into depth on this here). And like, as much as I want Poly Vees to be canon, it's not, so we can't use that as a direct point of reference for how he is in romantic relationships(or whatever the fuck he and Val have going on...), but it is still relevant because it's a good example of how Vox treats his equals. So, while it is DEFINITELY not a stretch to assume Vox is a Gideon Graves ass boyfriend, there just. Isn't anything to support it beyond vibes.
*ahem* Anyways yeah. I wanna get behind Staticmoth, I really do. Most of the people that ship it are super chill and the fan content for it is really cute. But I just can't. Because, as of right now, most of the evidence points towards Vox being in an abusive situation with Val. The fact that there is a very high chance of that is troubling to me. I'm down to be proven wrong next season, I love me some good ol' toxic bs that's just fun to watch crash and burn, but for now I'm just kinda. U n c o m f y.
EDIT: Okay, this is another one of those "in the light of day I don't actually agree with everything I said" edits, and this time it's about saying the evidence pointed towards Staticmoth out right abusive at the end. While I do still think that's a possibility, I've been trying not to throw that word around as much, especially in the context of fandom? Abuse is a VERY strong word, and it ends up getting misused a LOT because people are labeling things that just. Aren't abuse as abuse because it's a buzzword. All the evidence really points to is that Val treats Vox worse then Vox treats Val, and while that could very, VERY easily become abuse, we haven't seen enough of their dynamic to be completely sure. Just thought I should make that clear.
#I've been on a ROLL with these long ass analysis posts recently damn!#hazbin hotel#hazbin vox#hazbin hotel vox#vox hazbin hotel#hazbin valentino#hazbin hotel valentino#valentino hazbin hotel#the fact that most of the posts Ive made analyzing this pairing cant be tagged as ship bcuz they're just abt how off-putting I find it-#late night ramblings#gal overanalyzes random shit
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well hey, since hardly anyone's looking at this corner of the website anyway I might as well take the opportunity to vent (it's annoying to do it on twitter with the character cap)
Man, social media is hard.
I see so many people posting regular content consistently for years and years without even seemingly breaking a sweat, while it's always been so difficult for me... Calculating engagement, deciding the best times to post, or, hell, even just sharing what they think/feel/made/fucking ate that day just seems, like, so easy and second nature for pretty much everyone around me. It's genuinely incredible to me that somebody can share what they've learned about idk shitty impractical tanks made in WW1 on this website and make it such an interesting read that hundreds of people engage with it!
But I've tried keeping social media accounts for art and stuff so many times now, on here, on Instagram, on Artstation, on Xitter, and eventually it just- kinda- fades away, it just feels so exhausting to keep track of all the things necessary to Chase the Algorhythm™ if you wanna have any relevancy. Is it a charisma thing??? Where do I grind to get a stat boost on my Cha???
I'd love to say it doesn't matter to me, since I've been drawing shit for myself for years now, but unfortunately artists do need social media presence if they wanna get work. Not to mention, well, I wanna reach people with the stuff I do! I want people to react to what I made, to say what they liked about it, or how it made them feel, and then when I post something I worked on for hours only to get, like, almost zero visibility? idk, man, it just kinda hurts. It's probably selfish and immature for me to say it, I know that it takes time and effort to build an audience and all that, but damn I get happy when people show me that something I've made has affected them positively. I like the connection, I like the conversations, I like meeting people who enjoy the same nerdy trash that I do!
(I was very fortunate to have an art post of mine reach a lot of notes here years ago, which was amazing, but it's such a rare thing)
God, and, like, there's all these weird unspoken rules about interacting on social media too.
The other day a friend of mine came up to our friend group and was like "oh my god this girl liked my stories on instagram it means something does she like me" and I was SO confused and then they were like "well, when somebody not on your friends list likes your stories, it means they're interested in you"
Then some time later another friend was telling me that somebody stopped liking her posts and unfriended her and how that is a horrible offense and my fucking brain hurt, like- okay I get the unfriend part kinda but there could be a hundred reasons for it??? it's not like you have a deep personal connection to all 300 friends you have on your account???
Then I see so many people out there simply sharing something they think or did only to have some rando twist what they said and come at them like they're the shittiest person on the planet that deserves everything bad in life actually (except the ones that are willingly spouting/promoting hateful shit to begin with. Those can rot in hell and I shall not mourn their demise)
Like??? It might be the Power of Autism™ in me but it always feels like I'm one step away from either making a fool of myself or offending twenty different people or both. It's both the fear of having hundreds of thousands of eyes on me and the fear of having none at all. And that makes it really difficult to share anything on the internet for me. I already have to deal with my entire existence as a trans woman making some cunts around the world mad, it sucks that I have to risk it in places where I just wanna post dumb drawings and talk about dumb things that make me happy with others.
I dunno. Word vomit I guess. Social media is hard. Interacting with humans is hard. Sharing stuff is hard. I prefer Pokémon
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fun things i noticed rewatching npmd act 1:
sam sweetly was investigating richies death
richie messed with his fingers absentmindedly
everyone pronounces stephs last name correctly (law-ter) except the teacher (low-ter) because teachers cant pronounce peoples names correctly
pete is almost always curled into himself while steph is almost always sat more like. outward. i dont know how to describe it.
petes plaid on his suspenders and bowtie matches stephs flannel
stephanie wears a lot of jewellery
ruth and richie hold on to pete at the end of “literal monster”’s first chorus
the literal monster choreogrophy fucking SLAPS byw
richie is such a bitch “its LIPSCHITZ 🙄🙄” “i never intended to walk through your hallway”
richie keeps his hands under his armpits most of the time
graces little “mhm. mhm.” after she says “his name is jesus christ” >>>
max and grace nodding at eachother is never not going to be funny to me
kyle is max’s biggest hype-man. homosexual activity if you ask me.
ruth and the nerd in purple enter the stage hiding behind the bleachers during max’s verse
“next time youre going to cheat do it like a lauter and dont get caught” so solomon most likely got to his position illegally
“somebody WALKS to the office with STEPHANIE LAUTER 🙄” richie is a Bitch
ruth cares very deeply about library rules
she immediately stops caring about them as soon as stephanie lauter calls him
ruth rolls her eyes when richie starts his “aot > star wars shit���, so shes clearly heard this a shit ton before
petes jumper also matches stephanies foannel
pete is in the shadows for a good part of cooler than i think i am because he keeps walking through them
as soon as the bridge is done he goes from being in the light to beingbik the shadows again
peter can also be a bitch
max doesnt come from money
max started being a prick in 4th grade
jason seems to be an actually good dude.
max has a major god complex obviously but like. it is bad. it is BAD.
mark, despite being married to her, calls graces mom ‘mother’
graces mom also wears butterfly clips
richies side eye the second steph walks over im DECEASED.
richie looks so horrified by steph touching him
cooler than him tune plays when they walk into the boys bathroom
richie side-eyes people a lot
“steph-an-ie”
pete’s “grace 🙄” i love him hes so bitchy
hatchet town tune plays in the bg a lot
richie naruto runs into the waylon place
richie is VERY excited by the plan “WE’LL MAKE HIM SHIT HIS PANTS 😁”
petes a marvel nerd. he does both the hulk and spidermans gestures
richie is ruths wingman confirmed
richie fiddles with the little tassles on petes jacket
max is very good at puns
will is scarily good at sounding like blood is coming out of his mouth
pete has a very short temper
grace actively cheers for ruth after she cuts off max’s nips
stacy calls richie “mr. lipschitz”. for some reason.
THE HARMONIES IN GO GO NIGHTHAWKS ARE SO GOOD
richie calls jason jace :(( /pos
“theyre my bros for life” they said ONE nice thing to you get some standards i BEG
richies face immeidately dropping as soon as max says “richieee”
richies wearing 4 layers on top and a pair of shorts. transgender.
max’s blood is sparkly.
max shakes his hand after touching richie
max thinks people in the smoke club are cool
max locks the door on richie
he does the choreo from thriller by michael jackson
richies squeal after max makes him fall
max is heavy projecting onto richie
max seems genuinely pissed when richie says ‘im not a loser.’ he only chills when richie says ‘please don’t kill me’.
he taunts richie by calling him his actual name. he never called richie his real name, only shit-lips. false sense of security type shit.
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OK, but what is the point of retconning Jenny Calendar’s background in Surprise/Innocence?
Setting aside for a second all the reasons it’s a bad idea - the lazy stereotypes about the Romani people and their supposed links to magic and fortune telling and curses it perpetuates, the fact the script has Jenny’s uncle explicitly say that the Romani are not like “the modern man”, the fact that the Kalderash are a real group of human beings (though not a “tribe” as the show insists on calling them), who probably shouldn’t be treated as fodder for a silly fantasy television show, the fact that later in the season (in Passion) it becomes apparent that the writers don’t know the difference between Romani and Romanian, the fact that neither Robia Scott nor Vincent Schiavelli actually have any Romani heritage, the fact that the show itself doesn’t ever use the word “Romani”, prefering instead to use a word that was recognized as a slur even in the 1990s – what does it actually add to the story that the show is trying to tell?
The “Janna of the Kalderash” retcon comes completely out of nowhere, so there’s nothing intentionally odd or ambiguous about her prior behavior that it can be used to explain. Surprise briefly fakes that Jenny is going to try to do something to hurt Buffy, but no: she’s just taking her to the Bronze for her surprise party in a slightly weird way. Jenny encourages Angel to leave town with the Judge’s arm, but: (1) this was actually a good idea which everyone agreed with and he should have done it and (2) he didn’t.
And it’s made very clear over the course of these two episodes that Jenny doesn’t know anything about the curse’s loophole until after the fact. The first thing she does on finding out the curse has been broken is to rush back to the school and help to save Willow’s life. So her entire “betrayal” of Buffy (a girl she’s known for less than nine months and who she hasn’t ever been allowed to have any emotional connection with beyond both knowing Giles anyway) boils down to her doing … what, exactly? All those times she tried to break Buffy and Angel up? The ones that never happened? Not telling Buffy that the people who cursed Angel to suffer for eternity secretly wanted him to … still be suffering in the present? Not sharing her family tree unprompted with a teenage girl she doesn’t even know and who doesn’t seem to ever attend her classes? I genuinely don’t understand exactly why Buffy is meant to be upset at her.
Literally the only things I can see that this twist sets up are:
Providing another excuse for Giles and Jenny to break up (an excuse which we simply didn’t need! They only got back together at the very end of Ted, which was the most recent episode Jenny was in! Just drop that subplot if you want to keep them separated! Is it really so important that this time it’s Giles breaking up with her and not the other way around?)
Allowing for a scene where Buffy attacks a teacher in a crowded classroom, something that – while certainly a memorable and striking moment – is never followed up on despite the multiple witnesses and the fact the school’s principal is canonically always looking for an excuse to expel Buffy
Giving Jenny a reason to want to try to restore Angel’s soul later in the season, a reason that she 100% does not need. You’ve already established that she knows magic! That was part of her characterisation in her very first episode! She could just be trying to help! You know, the way Willow will do later on? Why does she have to be doing this as some weird form of self-imposed penance? (Why does she not do any magic this season before the retcon?)
Introducing a means by which somebody can explicitly spell out to Buffy (and the audience) exactly how Angel’s curse was broken (first in her conversation with her uncle and then again in the computer lab with Giles and Buffy)
You don’t need to do the first three of those things at all, and you can do the fourth in practically any other way. Have a flashback! The Buffy writers and costume department love flashbacks! Let Buffy learn about it in a dream – this pair of episodes is full of prophetic dreams! Have somebody find something hidden away in the library – that works for literally every other bit of magical nonsense, doesn’t it? Have Jenny find out by digging around on the internet, if it’s so important she be involved. Use the fact she’s meant to be good at that! Hell, have “Uncle Enyos” turn up and deliver his own exposition directly to Buffy, if you really must include a Romani character in the present day.
What does Jenny Calendar not really being “Jenny Calendar” add to the episode or the season arc or the wider show? Why give her an uncle for Angelus to kill if she’s never going to mourn him or mention him again? Why have her buried under the name “Jennifer” -- a name she never actualy uses while alive -- if you’re going to make a point of telling us it isn’t really hers?
(The frustrating thing is that I think that Surprise and Innocence are both very good! Innocence in particular is probably the best episode of the show so far. Maybe the best episode of the whole show. Almost everything about these two episodes is really really good. And then there’s … this.)
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I'm on your Tumblr because we used to be mutuals, but I'm more of a lurker these days and I've remade several times under different handles and understand exasperation/hesitation at refollowing. I'm sincerely not trying to bait anything here, it's just that I've been depressed for the majority of 2024, and I think a really bad habit I've fallen into is not expressing gratitude to those who have a genuine impact on me. I'm sorry if this is uncanny and too parasocial. I have always admired how incredibly self-possessed and well-spoken/read/watched/cultured you are. I get an older sibling vibe from you that I never had growing up. You are one of the smarter people in the room for me. Sorry I'm sending this on anon, you don't have to publish it, in fact I hope you don't! I think you're one of the best blogs on this site and many things you have posted/blogged about have caused me to dig deeper within myself. In recent times, I appreciate that you force a situationally depressed individual (me) to challenge themselves for the better, if that makes sense. I'm sorry if this is disturbing!
[posted with permission] Man I have not been able to wake up all day for some reason and I owe some writing tomorrow, so this is actually a really helpful warmup exercise to try to get myself moving/thinking. I really appreciate this. I think your idea about expressing gratitude is really important and it's something I've been trying to do also, though maybe in a broader sense, like if I see a really inspiring movie (or whatever) I try to follow the impulse to write to the filmmaker and tell them. In my mind there's this invisible wall between creators and "fans" and that's usually fake; it's very likely that the people who made some of your favorite media are not rich, their futures are not secure, and they don't even necessarily know how their work has affected people. Worst case scenario they don't write you back, but only a snob would be actually bothered, and sometimes you even make a friend. I think the same principle can be applied to, you know, bloggers or whoever. Certainly I run this blog for myself first and foremost and I don't think I would or could stop even if absolutely no one was paying attention--it's a real compulsion and I think it's reasonably healthy to find ways to be in conversation with yourself--but it's valuable to know when you've been understood by anyone at all.
Not to make it weird but in Hebrews I think there's that verse, "If today you hear the voice of God, harden not your heart." That's really powerful outside the bounds of religion. To me it means, when you get that shred of energy or inspiration that says "I could do the dishes right now," do them immediately before you can talk yourself out of it! When you get that little spark that is so easily snuffed out by overthinking and taking that dangerous minute to round up excuses, that spark that you might be able to do the laundry, send the letter, watch the tough movie you're "never in the mood" for, pick up the book instead of watching TV, take a fucking walk, whatever it is: if you practice surrendering to these impulses immediately, almost without deciding, your life can really start to expand. Actually I believe it literally keeps your brain alive, to keep making it process new information, even if it seems trivial or you don't fully feel like it. But anyway a lot of us don't follow the impulse to say to someone "Hey, I think you're doing a good job" because it's so easy to imagine lots of different reasons they won't like it. But honestly that's unlikely (as long as you're not demanding something in return), and if someone responds poorly to that then chances are they're kind of an asshole.
(I mean sometimes I fail to respond to a message or an obvious social cue but it's usually because I just get overwhelmed by other parts of life and/or I'm not extremely skilled in forming and maintaining connections in any normal way. But it's rare that somebody has tried to reach out to me and I was like secretly hating them for it.)
Depression is really hard to talk about--I mean it's easy to VENT about, but it can be hard to converse about. There's that (American?) thing where you feel like no one should say anything that isn't *CEO voice* solution-oriented, and that's when people either avoid the topic entirely or react with all kinds of unwelcome and/or irrational advice. I have the illusion of being all full of wisdom on this because I've been severely depressed since I was really little and obviously there's something wrong with my whole operating system, but one of my best friends--who is not naturally depressive--is in such a bad way and it's not her fault and possibly there is no way out for real, and of course I have the urge to pump her up and keep her afloat, but if I'm too positive it will be totally dishonest. I have to split the difference between cheering her up and like, not lying to her. I'd be a total hypocrite if I denied her the understanding and acknowledgement of darkness that I myself always want and rarely get. It's hard, but on the individual basis it's useful to try to map the nature of your own depression and notice how it operates; just observe and take notes even if you can't see a way to control it right now. It sounds like you're doing some of that, there is a lot of dignity in that activity.
These are my thoughts off the cuff, with any luck they provoke something useful. Now I feel like I'm finally ready to shower and have ill-advised beverages and do my stupid homework assignment. Thank you for your thoughts, and the helpful prompt, and I hope you have a good day and/or night, for real.
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Crows As Vampires
Idk why I chose that gif-. Anyway I have had no inspiration or motivation to do anything. The mental illness is hitting. I am on my knees begging y’all to let me have this😭. No one’s born a vampire cause I don’t think vampires should be able to reproduce and in this universe how you’re changed determines what kind of vampire you are. I’ll explain later.
Kaz Brekker
Kaz has screwed over plenty of people in his life. That's how life is as a criminal and he was damn good at it. Almost an expert.
Almost being the keyword
Kaz screwed over the wrong person. Unbeknownst to him, this person was actually a witch. The witch cursed him to have these symptoms we would call “vampirism”
Immortality so he would watch everyone he loves die. A lust for blood since he was a leech that led others like a lamb to a slaughter. Burning in the sun so he could stay a rat in the shadows. Ect. Ect.
This would've been terrible for anyone else, but this is Kaz Brekker we're talking about.
Also this isn't how nature works. Things can't be only good or only bad so nature gave him a few perks.
All it took was some practicing and getting used to then boom, he was living his best life.
He doesn't need the cane anymore, but he keeps it to trick others.
Genuinely thinks the witch that cursed him is the dumbest person ever because all the weaknesses he can get around. The sun? He doesn't go outside much and can have others do shit for him. Holy water? Does this man look like he goes to church? A wooden stake? What are the chances? Garlic? He prefers onion powder-
He's a traditional vampire so blood tastes good no matter what. I don't know if he'd go hunting himself though. He'd probably have another Crow bring him something, like bringing the homie Wendy's if you just got some.
Best part of vampirism is probably the animal control. It's the perfect distraction and this man is nuts so he'd probably have a rat jump on somebody with a phobia.
I'd say hypnosis but I feel like Kaz enjoys the thrill he gets from outsmarting everyone. Hypnosis would be so boring to him. It'd only be used if he absolutely needed to.
I think the part of vampirism he'd struggle with the most would be the feeding though. Not out of guilt but too many dead bodies make people raise a brow and that would affect business.
Kaz would prefer feeding on people who don't really have anyone. I know you're thinking “duh! That's so obvious! Who wouldn't?”. Jesper. More on him later though.
Kaz wants to go after opponents but knows that'll stir too much shit up.
I wanna say he refuses to feed on kids ‘cause it'd remind him of him and Jordie but this is the same man who threatened a little girl and said he'd kill all her dogs just to make sure she wouldn't snitch. And when Wylan was like “that's not ok” he was like “I could've killed her and made it look like an accident”, so idk. Man is deranged.
Kaz has red eyes because… uhhh… I want him to.
I think vampires should have another face when they feed and his gotta be the scariest. This is The Bastard of The Barrel we're talking about here. You gotta feel fear in your veins.
Overall, he's enjoying vampirism. Big mistake giving this man powers.
Inej Ghafa
Inej would get turned when she's at the Menagerie
One of the regulars came in but he was off. He was way more jumpy and sensitive to things. Inej knocked something over and instead of annoyance, he seemed to be in pain. Like his ears hurt.
She didn't say anything though. Tante Heleen would kill her.
Suddenly the man attacked her and bit her. She screamed but he covered her mouth with his hand. Inej did the only thing she could think of and bit his hand hard, drawing blood. The man was in pain and after a short fight, he snapped her neck and killed her.
Weirdly though, Inej woke up after some time. It made no sense to anyone. Not to the other girls, Tante Heleen, the doctor, anyone. Inej should've been dead. Instead all she did was crack her neck and describe the guy who did it.
The next day Kaz Brekker came and she introduced herself. The day after that, she no longer worked for Tante Heleen.
Turns out the vampire who attacked her was a newborn. He had some of the vampire strengths, like advanced speed and strength but he also still had human qualities. Like human skin, instead of the impenetrable skin older vampires have. Kaz was hunting him down because his uncontrolled killings were causing a ruckus, that's when he met Inej and noticed something was off about her. She smelt like death.
Inej turned instead of dying because when she bit him, it drew blood and she ended up swallowing it. Drinking a vampire's blood then dying was another way to be turned.
Because she was terrified when it all happened, as a vampire blood tastes better if it's from someone scared. The more scared they are, the better. If she drinks normal blood, it tastes fine but it doesn't make her as strong or taste as good as blood from someone frightened.
Inej doesn't really like going out of her way to scare the shit outta someone. Don't get me wrong, Inej ain't no punk but she sees it as “I'm scaring people for my own benefit? No thanks”.
During her newborn stage, Inej was not fucking with it at all. There were benefits but she hated the idea of murder. The only reason she started drinking is because she was starving and Kaz threw a random person in the room. When she snapped out of it, she was horrified and she was angry because Kaz knew what he was doing.
So she attempted to run away but the problem was the hunger obviously didn't stop. One day she saw a man she knew frequented the Menagerie. A man who was extremely abusive and had cut and injured the girls plenty of times. Again, she got angry. So angry she stalked and killed him.
A lightbulb went off. She didn't wanna scare innocent people but abusers? They weren't innocent. So that's who she targeted. Oh and obviously she returned to the Crow Club.
Only problem with abusers is unfortunately they have money and people looking at them so she can't go after a lot of them which leaves her back to drinking regular human blood. Sometimes she drinks from animals or steals blood bags.
Best part of vampirism is how nimble she is. Sure she was a great acrobat before but her speed and agility change is the best to her. She could do so much more without worrying about forever losing her legs in a stupid accident.
She's called a spider for a reason.
I don't even think she'd care for the other powers. Yeah they're there and she'll use them but she's not too concerned.
Worst part I think is the feeding but not for the same reasons as Kaz. Inej has a guilty conscience and she's also religious. I think the fact that she has to take innocent lives (when she can't get to bad people) would make her feel cursed. Like the Saints were against her or didn't hear her prayers anymore. How could she claim her heart belonged to them when her heart didn't even beat anymore? She was sinning often. It's not like killing on a job, that's when your back's against the wall. She's literally killing for her own selfish needs.
It'd take her a while to come to terms that she's killing for survival and she never asked to become a vampire in the first place.
Once she comes to terms with that I honestly don't see her using her powers for straight nonsense. She uses them to get jobs done and feeds when she has to. She's probably the one bringing Kaz take out when he's too lazy.
Idk why but I feel like she'd have purple eyes. I don't have a reason. Just roll with me.
Overall, she'd have conflicting feelings. The first couple years would be rough but she'd learn to embrace it.
Jesper Fahey
Jesper is my favorite Crow and my favorite in the entire show but my poor babe is not all the way there sometimes. He's not dumb by any means but ya know, sometimes he's in a silly goofy mood.
Jesper was turned when he was in college. Keep in mind, my boy was only there for what? A WEEK?
He lost at a game of cards and instead of beating him they were like “there's this book that a dead witch supposedly wrote. There's a ritual and everything, you gotta do it or pay me”.
Jesper was like “bet, I ain't no hoe” (probably not with those words) and did the stupid ritual which consisted of blood, rain water and some chanting and nothing happened, much to the disappointment of his college pals and him. The ritual was supposed to give him powers or something. Too bad.
Something weird started happening. Jesper was a funny guy and liked socializing but he swore he started feeling more energy course through him when he made everyone laugh. And when he walked outside, the sun burned. It left a mark and everything.
He started skipping classes to avoid the sun and the kids he knew were too busy to constantly visit him. Since he was alone for a couple days, he felt incredibly hungry.
One late night he was walking to get food when a lady fell hard. Jesper, being nice, ran over to help. That's when he noticed the smell of blood and it smelt amazing. Long story short, he ended up attacking her. When he realized what happened, he took a closer look at that book. He realized they didn't inform him about the negative side effects. And sure, he somewhat got it. What were the chances of it working? But since they made him do that instead of paying up, they knew there could've been a possibility of everything going left.
He had no idea what was happening and ended up leaving college. Not only was he out of money (that's why he was so glad he wouldn't have to pay) but he worried about who else he would attack. He ended up working for gangs and as we know, Kaz found him.
They ended up finding out that Jesper was special. Jesper was always the main focus in a crowd so when he became a vampire, that ability turned him into an emotional vampire. He didn't have to hunt people down and feed the old fashioned way. He could feed on people by absorbing their emotions when they felt a strong emotion, such as happiness. It made him feel amazing but it made them feel drained and depending on how much he took, they could faint.
Now he could always just bite people but absorbing emotions is bigger.
Best part of vampirism is hypnosis. If he's well fed and feeling strong, he can just hypnotize his gambling opponent into letting him win.
Worst part is probably the sunlight. Jesper likes nighttime, don't get me wrong, but the fact that he's limited to only moving around at night is nuts to him. Since he shouldn't be doing it, he wants to do it more.
Jesper has to be reeled in by Kaz when it comes to feeding cause Jesper honestly will go after anyone. The more challenging, the more fun. He has to constantly be reminded that the more challenging, the more chance of being caught.
He also reminds him that he doesn't have to bite people to feed but Jesper sometimes just likes the rush.
Probably makes a bunch of vampire puns and Kaz is tired of his shit.
He'd be even more on edge when it comes to his dad. It'd be even more of a reason to never see him again. He would only think about it when he 100% had his hunger under control.
Idk what eye color he'd have tbh
Overall likes being a vampire but the side effects are there.
Nina Zenik
After Nina took Parem, things didn't look good. It was obvious to everyone that Nina was dying.
Nina was in the know when it came to vampires. She honestly didn't care and didn't have any interest at first. But as she sat there slowly dying, she wondered what life would've been like if she asked to be bit.
The Saints seem to be listening because Inej walked in and said she wanted to help her. Nina knew how she'd help.
Inej was getting closer and Nina couldn't help but feel nervous. Suddenly though, she saw Matthias. Inej simply made her think she was Matthias, but Nina was so delirious that she actually thought it was him. She thought of their life together so far and what they could have in the future. Her thoughts started to slip towards something more lustful and that's when “Matthias” shoved “his” bloodied arm at her. She drank it then her neck was quickly broken.
She awoke soon after, beginning her new life.
Nina is a sexual vampire, meaning blood tastes the best when it's someone experiencing feelings of lust or orgasming.
Matthias experiences lust for Nina and has said she can drink from him but she doesn't trust herself. She's worried she got him out of Hellgate only to kill him later on.
Instead she flirts with unsuspecting men and women. No sex obviously and they don't taste as good as they could but just that little bit of lust adds something to their blood.
Best part of vampirism would be immortality. She's living forever with her family and doesn't have to worry about getting sick or dying again.
Immortality is also the worst part. Matthias has always said he has no interest in being a vampire and the thought of him dying makes her think she should've let herself die on the boat (until she changes him against his will but moving on-)
Probably targets men and women with low level jobs. Like the people who guard doors of some building, rich people go to. Or fishermen. People whose disappearance can just be chalked up to them being irresponsible.
Being a vampire is kinda in the middle for her. Not great but not terrible. Sometimes she wants to go outside during the day and can't. Sometimes she wants to eat something like garlic bread and can't. Sometimes she wants to wear silver jewelry and can't. It can be a real pain.
When Matthias is human she treats him like he's delicate, because compared to her, he is. They arm wrestle and he's down for the count.
The stereotype is that vampires sleep in a coffin but with how big Matthias is? Yeah, no. They'll just sleep in a dark room.
Nina doesn't exactly want kids, but with Matthias she wouldn't mind them. Now they can't have them at all though and that choice being taken away isn't fun. Honestly any choice now taken away rubs her the wrong way.
I feel like her eyes would also be red like Kaz.
Overall is half and half about vampirism.
Matthias Helvar
As we all know, Matthias ends up dying in Crooked Kingdom. He didn't want it to happen, but he accepted it. He knew this would be the end.
Imagine his surprise when he woke up months later.
Turns out Nina wanted to turn Matthias into a vampire but acted too late. She ended up finding a witch who was willing to do a ritual to return his spirit to his body. Side effects would be symptoms of vampirism.
As you can imagine, Matthias was very unhappy. Nina didn't have the excuse of “oh I panicked”. No. She found a witch and instead of asking for her future to be told, she whipped out his corpse.
As a vampire Matthias is a soul vampire. When he feeds it decreases the lifespan of his victim, sometimes even killing them. As he gets older he learns he doesn't even have to bite his victims, but he does have to be close to them.
It'd probably take years before he forgave Nina. Matthias, like Inej, is religious and thinks Djel can't hear him anymore because of what's happened.
For awhile he can't see a positive to this situation. When he comes around to it and starts accepting it though, I think he'd enjoy that he's strong enough to continuously help people.
Negative is everything for a while. Especially the fact he can't be near any holy items. Also immortality. Human lives are supposed to end, now his can't end without it being extremely painful.
Feeding wouldn't be easy for him either. Not biting them allows him to disconnect but he still knows what he's doing and that's hard for him.
He eventually would forgive Nina but would never forget what happened.
His eyes would remain blue but it'd be a lighter and more glowy (?) blue
Doesn't wanna participate in any vampire stereotypes. No coffin, no dark colors, none of that.
His feeding is the most discrete. Jesper's could be too but we know him. Matthias just kind of hangs around and feeds until he's full enough.
Matthias also drinks the souls of animals. It doesn't feed him as quickly or make him as strong but he was already a big and strong guy.
Overall is not having a good time. I think it would take years for him to accept his new life. After that, he's not exactly happy. He's just accepted it is what it is.
Wylan Van Eck
Wylan had a terrible relationship with his father, we know that. What everyone didn't know was that the family was holding a huge secret; Jan Van Eck was a vampire. He was turned after Alys became pregnant and thought things were great. Now he could be an asshole forever
Van Eck noticed how much better he felt so he thought if he bit Wylan, he'd be cursed of his dyslexia and could read.
He was wrong. Dyslexia isn't a physical injury so nothing happened. This made him angry and ended up leading him to hire people to kill Wylan on the boat to Ketterdam. As we know, Wylan escaped. Van Eck was sure he'd die because of lack of food or be exposed and killed. Either was good to him.
Wylan didn't die though. Wylan had only been a vampire for a month so his control over his thirst was terrible. He didn't wanna hurt people so he tried to stay away and hunt animals.
Not hurting people was easier said than done though. Ketterdam is full of people and jobs require you being around people. As you can imagine, there were a few slip ups.
Kaz recruited him not only to make bombs but also because Inej caught him feeding on someone. He just didn't notice she was there.
Once Wylan has his thirst under control, he prefers blood bags instead of actually hunting and hurting people.
He isn't sure what his favorite part of vampirism is since the things he loves doing (chemistry and music) don't require any vampire things. He likes telepathy once he knows how to block his own thoughts from people. It's efficient being able to “whisper” to other people and Wylan is a bit nosey. When you're gonna live forever, you're gonna wanna hear drama.
I think his least favorite part wouldn't be a specific part of vampirism. He'd just hate how he used to be. Whenever he thinks about how little control he had, it'd scare him. It shows how much of a monster he can be and he doesn't want that.
I wanna give everyone red eyes but I'll say his are orange or yellow. Why? Idk.
The type of vampire that legit forgets he's a vampire. Inej is like “want me to bring you back something to eat?” and he's like “oh sure. I heard this new spot just opened-”.
Probably was gonna walk outside for a casual walk and another Crow had to grab him by the collar and pull him inside.
“What's wrong?” “Wylan. The sun.” “What about it?.... oh”
This isn't me saying he's dumb, he just genuinely forgets. His mind is on other stuff all the time.
Vampires become his hyper fixation and he starts saying random ass myths about vampires at all hours
“Did you know people used to believe that you could trick a vampire by throwing things like rice at it? Supposedly it'd be compelled to count them all” “It’s 2am Wylan. Enough is enough”
Overall I don't think he has a strong opinion on being a vampire. Having his little family makes enjoying this new life easier.
idk why this in particular finally gave me inspiration, but FINALLY my mind isn’t completely blank.
#six of crows#shadow and bone#Six of crows au#six of crows imagine#six of crows headcanons#shadow and bone headcanons#vampire au#kaz brekker#inej ghafa#jesper fahey#nina zenik#matthias helvar#wylan van eck#kaz brekker headcanon#Inej ghafa headcanon#Jesper Fahey headcanon#Nina zenik headcanon#Matthias helvar headcanon#Wylan Van Eck headcanon#crooked kingdom
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august of '85 (Steddie, Part 2)
A week.
Steve has had weeks of his life pass by like seconds—hell, the first ten years of his life seem to have left even faster than that.
But now, he itches.
It’s morning, and Eddie’s in a t-shirt and boxers chugging coffee like it’s wine, wandering aimlessly around the living room with a background of natural light and ocean, and all Steve can think is that he wants to pick him up and drag him to bed—his bed.
Last night, they had slept in separate rooms, but slept is a complete overstatement. Steve tossed and turned and struggled over many things, most of them falling back to Eddie in some way, shape, or form—the condensed version is this—
He’s gay? He’s gay. Well, half-gay. He should ask Eddie about that. Eddie? Yeah. Eddie. He should’ve known—if Robin and Nancy could physically make a baby, it’d be Eddie. Nancy and Robin making a baby—ew, okay, gross. Enough of that. Eddie—he’s really beautiful. And they kissed. Didn’t they meet less than two weeks ago? But Steve also invited him on a month-long vacation, so is kissing him really that far-fetched? Can something that happened even be far-fetched? Now he has to wait a week. Why? Why couldn’t it have just been, like, a day? And what had Eddie meant about ruining his life? What could ruin his life—being gay? Kind of too late to change that, isn’t it? But he is only half-gay. So he technically could just… go on. Normally. That seems like living sort of a lie, though, right?
Steve spent hours mulling over his situation in his brain, and only realized this morning the part he hadn’t really addressed—how the fuck is he supposed to last a week when Eddie will be walking around in his pajamas, breaking bread with him, swimming with him, walking along the beach with him, having tons of vacation firsts—
Fuck, and he’s just supposed to sit around here, genuinely crushing on somebody for the first time in months, and not act on it? When he knows it’s reciprocated?
He’s screwed.
“Eds—”
“That’s a new one.”
Eddie doesn’t miss a beat, mug hardly removed from his lips, curls down around his face like an actual lion’s mane. He’s beautiful, literally like some sort of model with that nose and those lips—Steve can picture this exact image of him, backed by those huge windows and all that water, shoved in some home-decoration magazine, and the lady looking through it would jump at his tattoos and his Metallica t-shirt but be so genuinely captivated by those eyes that—
“Hello? Earth to Steve?”
Steve snaps out of it, feeling heat rise up into his cheeks. it's embarassing to be caught staring so adamantly, but he hasn’t allowed himself to feel all of this yet. And he wants to.
Desperately.
“I—sorry. Do we really have to—”
Eddie puts up a hand, a terrible way to try and focus him because all Steve can think about then is that black fingernail polish and those rings and how those might feel on his skin or in his hair or even in his mouth, how they taste, or what it would be like to have them inside him or—
Woah. Woah.
Christ. When he gets it, he gets it bad, huh?
“The week is non-negotiable,” Eddie says firmly, and Steve is still staring at his hands, so he can’t find it in himself to be totally devastated, “I need you to be 100% sure this is what you want. I’m not ruining my first and only vacation by sleeping with my handler—”
“Woah, pause. Do not call me your handler.”
Eddie grins, and Steve thinks he can call him whatever he wants for the rest of his life if he keeps smiling just like that.
“Why not?” Eddie waggles his eyebrows, something Steve was not aware a man could actually do, and spins around like a true showman, “I’m an animal, baby. You just try and keep me out of trouble.”
Steve rolls his eyes. He wants, no, needs to reach out and pull Eddie in by the waist, push their noses together and tease him up close and personal, but--
He settles for sitting down on the couch, falling back into the cushions, supremely careful of the coffee in his cup. He took the plastic off these couches years ago. His parents never noticed. Has he spilled a couple times? Yes. Does it matter?
Not in his house.
“I know exactly how to keep your dumb ass in line.”
“Oh really?”
A challenge. Steve tries not to look too smug as he takes a sip of his coffee.
“Distract and occupy,” he says, “Ask you about D&D and then hand you something shiny and you’re set for hours.”
If Steve thought that last smile was something, this one is a spiritual experience. Not only does Eddie beam, he tips his head back and laughs, exposing throat and releasing genuine joy and if that’s not everything Steve has ever wanted, he’s not sure what could be.
Is he whipped? He’s whipped. How is he even asking himself that question, of course he’s whipped. God—he’s gotta call Robin. He’s not even sure how he’s holding this conversation his mind is so fuzzy.
“Distract and occupy,” Eddie repeats, eyes shining, “I can think of a few different ways to do that.”
Oh. Oh.
Eddie is so not helping his situation.
They finish their coffees with easy conversation—how they slept, what the plan is for today, when they should go for groceries. They decide to shower and get dressed on their own timelines and when they’re ready they’ll be ready, which is nothing like it used to be with his parents. Minute by minute itineraries—his mom, when she was younger, was eager to do as much as they could in the time they were allotted. You’d think she would’ve been less concerned considering they had a whole month to waste out here, but she somehow always managed to fill every single moment with some tourist attraction or event. It never felt like too much, either. She was a planning master—completely balanced.
As she got older, and after the affair, all she wanted to do was lie around and drink wine on a beach somewhere else. Part of him suspects she just can’t handle being here anymore.
The memories that cradle him haunt her.
Steve uses his shower to get it the fuck together. He does not think about Eddie or smooth pale skin or what his tan lines are gonna be like in a week or wonder if he’s thinking about Steve and if he is, what he’s doing about it. No, Steve doesn’t think about any of those things at all.
He presses his forehead and nose to the shower wall and takes a breath. He lets the water fall over his skin and tries to wash away all this achy want and desperation, tries to look at it from the other angle—not forward, but backwards.
Eddie isn’t going to be a forever thing, that much is clear, so if Steve wants to keep himself from falling into actual pieces, the best thing to do is to stop all this unhinged fantasy. Eddie may be a crush, and a boy, and a beautiful boy at that, but he doesn’t belong to Steve anymore than Nancy ever did, or Robin ever did, or any of those random girls he shared sheets with.
No, Eddie is an end-of-summer fling. Steve has to make peace with that. He’s not having a Nancy the Second where he obsesses long after his opportunity is over—he’s taking the opportunity and he’s making the most out of it, just like his mom had all those Augusts before.
His shower finishes swiftly after that, and he doesn’t even bother blow drying and styling his hair before he’s throwing on the nearest thing—shorts and a t-shirt—and hauling ass downstairs so he can get to a phone before Eddie’s done getting ready.
Of course, he knows Robin’s number by heart, but he suspects that’s not where she is.
“Hawkin’s Family Video, how can I—“
“Rob it’s me,” Steve says quickly, “I’ve gotta talk to you and I don’t have a lot of time so I need you to just shut up and listen.”
“Steven—“
“I kissed Eddie, er, Eddie kissed me—you know what it doesn’t matter, Eddie and I kissed and I really fucking liked it and I think him and I are going to have the most intense summer fling of my life and I’m kind of freaking out and I also need you to tell me if I can like girls and guys because I definitely like girls but I’m obsessed with Eddie—he’s like, genuinely gorgeous and I don’t even know what I want him to do to me because I’ve never even thought about how any of this works and I think I’m probably losing it but I have to take the opportunity where I can even though he said it could only be an August thing but I, like, genuinely like him too so that’s really confusing and, like, logistically when we get home what if being friends is too weird and—“
“Holy fuck.”
Steve stops short at her whispered profanity. He has never heard her sound like that, and then it gets louder—
“Holy fuck!”
“What?!”
“You’re into Eddie?! Steve—we’ve been trying to get you a date for months and you’re into fucking Eddie Munson who you whined about having to meet for weeks?!” Steve flinches.
“Don’t ever tell him that.”
“Incredible!” She is laughing almost uncontrollably. Steve really hopes there’s nobody in the store because if he were in family video and heard maniacal laughing like that he’d have the culprit committed pronto.
“Rob, seriously, I don’t have time for this—“
“I can’t believe I couldn’t tell you were bi! That’s just—oh my god, of course.”
“Bi? What do you mean of course?” Steve asks, starting to get slightly offended.
“Star Wars? Indiana Jones? Blade Runner?! You’ve got a fat ass celebrity crush on Harrison Ford.”
Steve’s heard the term “shell-shocked” before, but he’d never really understood until this very moment. He might as well have been sucker-punched in the dick.
Of course.
Robin is laughing hysterically over the line, but he just feels like crying. Of course he likes men—is he stupid? Dumb question, yes he’s stupid. And it churns in his guts to think of all those kids who probably struggled through Hawkins High, knowing they were different, never knowing who or how to be, and he was just like them and yet there he was, excusing Tommy’s behavior and laughing along.
What a piece of actual shit.
“I'm an idiot,” he says weakly. Robin’s laughter dies abruptly.
“Hey—no. You’re not an idiot, it’s not always easy to—“
“I'm an idiot and a hypocrite,” Steve says, choking a little bit on the tears that slide down his cheeks, “God—I’m evil, Rob.”
“Steven, we’ve talked about this,” she says softly, “You didn’t—“
“Steve?”
Steve jumps and slams the phone into the receiver so hard a few wall decorations literally shake. He shouldn’t turn as fast as he does, should attempt to collect himself first, but he’s so surprised by Eddie’s sudden appearance he can’t even think to do that.
“I just—“
“Still need that week?”
Steve flinches. He puts the heel of his palm up against his forehead and takes a deep breath.
“No, but yes,” he says, trying not to sound as pathetic as he feels, “I’ll wait if it’s what you want, but my mind’s made up.”
“Oh… so… what’s all… this about?”
Steve can’t help himself—he laughs a little. At least he’s got one thing up on Eddie, that being the ability to deal with people’s emotions arguably okay. Eddie certainly does not sound like he knows what to do in this situation.
“I just sucked,” he manages, but barely. He’s glad to have covered some of his face, because the tears are not stopping, and he feels like an idiot crying over something that’s ultimately his own fault.
He chose to be ignorant. He chose to be cruel. He chose popularity over sincerity.
“I’m gonna need you to elaborate?”
Does he? Does he really?
“In highschool,” he groans, moving his hands to wipe tears away, sniffing hard. “I pushed around people—kids—who were just like me. I treated them like shit when I could have—”
Eddie’s arms close around him, fingers sliding into his wet hair, and Steve lets it happen—it feels like they’ve failed the “give it a week” stipulation already, but the embrace is good, and he needed it badly.
He doesn’t hug Eddie back, just lets himself be held.
“I’m gonna tell you something now, and if you tell anyone I did, I’ll fucking deny it.”
Steve takes a shaky breath.
“Okay.”
“Everybody sucks in high school,” Eddie says firmly. His fingers start to stroke across the back of Steve’s head and the feeling would have him absolutely catatonic if he wasn’t bent on hearing Eddie out— “Everyone. Kids like you, kids like me—we all had some chip on our shoulder, and some reason we were secretly better than everyone else. You were just… people just believed it about you.”
That doesn’t really make him feel better, because he knows that it wasn’t even anything about him they decided was better—it was his place on the basketball team (which had been mediocre at best) and his money and his hair and his last name and his friends and his charming manner and his pretty face—
Sports, money, hair—it’s all meaningless and stupid. It doesn’t matter, and this isn’t the first time Steve is realizing it, but it’s the first time he’s come to terms with the sheer ridiculousness of it all, and how he had abused that ridiculousness to its fullest extent. Not only had he abused it, he had enjoyed abusing it. And he routinely hurt people in the process, not to mention denying himself actual happiness and actual friends..
Fuck.
“I’m a bad person,” Steve whispers, and Eddie’s light petting turns into a firm grasp.
“A bad person wouldn’t feel shitty about this stuff,” Eddie argues, and then pulls back from the embrace, fixing Steve with those doe eyes and swallowing gaze, “And, I’ve got pretty high standards, like, Luke Skywalker standards.”
Steve smiles a little as Eddie reaches to brush away a few of his tears.
“I wouldn’t kiss a bad person, or agree to have a summer fling with them,” Eddie says, “And I wouldn’t bend the rules and let a bad person kiss me one more time to tide them over.”
Steve takes the opportunity for all it’s worth.
It taste like salt and spit because he’s still crying, but Eddie’s mouth is so soft and captivating that the kiss, which had every intention of being chaste, grows insistent and long. Eddie’s face in his hands, Eddie’s thumbs in his belt loops, the smell of shampoo and clean clothes and—
They break. Eddie smiles, letting a thumb pass over Steve’s lips.
“The week starts now.”
And, oh, is it bittersweet.
Friday, August 2nd—they spend what’s left of the day getting groceries, Eddie seemingly mesmerized by the small beach-town and its cobblestone streets and endless array of tourist traps. Every other storefront is a gift shop of useless trinkets, themed cafes, arcades, bars—if it’s going to empty your pockets, it’s there. Amidst all of it, though, there is a record store that’s genuinely cool, and if they hadn’t already purchased a crap-load of things that begged for a refrigerator, Steve would’ve been content to spend hours watching Eddie tear through the stacks, and then surprise him by buying every single thing he marveled at.
An idea for another day.
After that, they hang around the house, chatting, arguing, making pancakes for dinner—they get to bed at reasonable times, and despite how badly Steve wants to walk down the hall and crawl into bed with his… friend, he manages to just sleep instead, pillow trapped securely in his arms.
Saturday, August 3rd—ice cream for breakfast, which has them both giggly and on embarrassing sugar highs, so they decide today is a beach day.
Eddie’s unearthly, as usual, and excited like a child at the vastness of the ocean.
Excited or not, he’s still timid about getting in the water.
“What about the sharks?” he asks.
“Sharks don’t kill near as many people as cars do,” Steve points out.
“Really?”
“Really. Get in the water, Eds.”
“It’s still really weird to hear me call you that.”
“Get in the water, baby.”
Steve continues looking out at the ocean (not his favorite sight, because man, is that all kind of scary) even though he’s certain Eddie’s head whips towards him fast enough to break his own neck. Steve may be whipped, but he isn’t totally shit at flirting. Sure, he’s used to girls, but could it really be all that different?
A beat.
“I won’t let anything happen to you, okay?” Steve continues casually, “Let’s go.”
Once Eddie’s in the water he doesn’t want to get out of it, and Steve’s alright with that until he realizes how burnt Eddie is, and then practically has to drag him out and back up to the house so he can absolutely smother him with aloe vera.
“It doesn’t even hurt!”
“It will,” Steve chides, “You idiot—did you even put sunscreen on?”
“I forgot,” Eddie mumbles sheepishly.
“Of course you did.”
Sunday, August 4th—Eddie is too embarrassed of his cherry-tomato appearance to agree to go anywhere, so they stay in and watch old movies. Steve desperately wants Eddie to cuddle up next to him on the couch, but at the moment, the older boy is radiating heat and visibly in pain, so he understands when Eddie leaves a generous amount of space between them.
Monday, August 5th—Eddie’s burn settles into a tan and Steve avoids eye-contact with him for about an hour straight, because he’s glowing, and Steve wants to shove him onto the nearest flat surface and… well, he’s not exactly sure what he wants to do, but he’d do it enthusiastically.
“Dude, are you okay?”
“Yeah.”
“Then look at me.”
Steve tentatively lifts his gaze.
“Was that so hard?”
Yes. It’s miserable. This is the bitter part of the week—not being able to act on all these steadily brewing feelings of want and need. He loves being here with Eddie, but he wants to be here with Eddie, too. He gets it—or at least, thinks he gets it. Eddie doesn’t want him to make a hasty decision, regret it, and ruin this vacation for both of them.
That makes sense. Too much sense, really.
But it doesn’t make waiting any easier.
“You’re fucking gorgeous,” Steve breathes, and Eddie physically starts.
“I—what?”
“Drop-dead, breathtaking, whatever you want,” Steve admits.
Eddie’s the first boy Steve ever called beautiful out loud, and he can’t help but think this is exactly how things are supposed to be.
Tuesday, August 6th—Steve enacts his plan of taking Eddie to the record store, and it’s everything he could have hoped. Eddie is downright euphoric every second, so distracted he doesn’t notice Steve picking up all the records he puts down (after ogling them for extended amounts of time), and so distraught about Steve buying them he doesn’t even argue—just watches with wide eyes as Steve chats up the cashier who bats her eyelashes and twirls her hair and can’t get a sentence out without stumbling over her words.
“You didn’t have to do that.”
“It’s the reason we came.”
“You… are you serious?”
“Consider this a thank-you for agreeing to a month-long vacation with a stranger.”
“I… don’t think I can accept this.”
“Too late.”
Wednesday, August 7th—Steve is cranky. He hates to admit it, but he’s tired of this. He’s not sure he can handle the next two days of no Eddie. Well, not exactly no Eddie, but like… half Eddie. He doesn’t like having half Eddie.
But he pushes it all down, because he’s going to obey Eddie’s one and only request, even though he knows his mind isn’t changing. If this week gives Eddie piece of mind, he'll deal with it.
Begrudgingly.
They go to an arcade and waste what’s probably hundreds of dollars for a sad amount of tickets and dogshit prizes—a collection of plastic shot glasses and a toy gun that doesn’t even shoot anything, but makes some unsettling noises when you pull the trigger.
They take the shot glasses as a sign to get tipsy that night, and end up drunk, daring each other this and daring each other that until the topic of skinny-dipping gets brought up.
“No, no—we can’t. There’s sharks at night!”
“In the pool, then!”
And then they’re stumbling drunk out towards the pool, shoving each other and yelling and laughing maniacally, and if Steve were anyone else he would say they were in love, but Steve’s not anyone else and he knows the time limit on all this, so he swallows that thought and focuses on getting rid of his shirt and pants without falling over. Then his socks, and—
He stills. He realizes, even through the fog of intoxication, this is a very precarious situation.
Despite how annoyed he is with the week, and how much he wishes Eddie would just say “fuck it” and change his mind, he knows it’s important. For Eddie, at least.
But Eddie’s naked in front of him and Steve can’t seem to remember how to function.
It only lasts a matter of moments, because soon Eddie’s in the water and teasing him about being a chicken, but Steve’s still thinking about everything he’s just seen, every inch of Eddie’s skin, how real all of him is in that water—
Steve can’t go a day, here, without being some sort of shaken to his core, can he?
“Get in the water, baby,” Eddie purrs.
“I can’t.” It falls out of Steve involuntarily—he’s drunk.
“Yes, you can.”
“How?”
“Lose the boxers, jump in the pool,” Eddie says, “It’s that easy.”
Steve shakes his head. Then swallows.
“No.”
“Yes.”
“I can’t.”
“Steve—“
“I’m hard.”
He doesn’t realize it until he’s saying it, and then after it leaves him, understands that yeah. He’s fucking hard, and all that happened was Eddie getting naked in front of him. No contact, no sexual insinuation, just skin.
Eddie must be magic.
“I can see that.”
Steve is utterly mortified. He doesn’t know what to do except move his shirt (from where it had been clutched against his chest) to hide his growing erection. Now would’ve been a fantastic time to have whiskey dick.
“I… wanna finish the week,” Steve says softly. Eddie’s smirk dies on his face.
“Really?”
“I want you to trust me. I want… I want to do this for you.”
The look on Eddie’s face is foreign, and Steve doesn’t have the brain power available to figure out what it means, but it doesn’t matter anyway. Now that his intentions are clear, Steve drops the shirt and his boxers. A curious glance catches Eddie’s pupils dilating comically, but maybe that’s just from the alcohol.
Eddie backs away from the edge when Steve gets in the water, and they manage to keep their distance.
Barely.
Thursday, August 8th—Steve is itchy, and that’s all he has to report.
They lie around, swim in the pool, and walk on the beach. Nothing eventful, except he’s itchy with anticipation. He’s so close, so fucking close he can practically taste the sweat and salt on Eddie’s skin.
It’s not enough.
Friday, August 9th—midnight tonight and Steve is finally free.
They go for coffee, they hang around—and by hang around, he means Eddie hangs around his periphery as he scours every available source for something they can do tonight, because he has to take his mind off midnight
A bar with an indie band will do.
He tells Eddie about it, who’s got his nose in a book—
“That’s a good one,” Steve tells him.
“Really?”
“I thought it was gonna be, like, a textbook when I picked it up,” Eddie says, flipping a page.
“So did I,” Steve admits, moving around the couch. Eddie scoots for him so they can lie side by side. This is without any real words or indications—Eddie just knows, and he knows when Steve lies down next to him that they’re reading together, now, and asks him quietly if he can turn the page.
The summer home, tucked away in its own little corner of beach-front paradise, has a history far more interesting than the tale at hand, so I will tell it in hopes it makes my story a little fuller, a little brighter—Bill was the heir to the Standard Oil name—
Steve likes this one a lot. He likes Augustine and Betty and James and the drama of it all, and the house on the beach, and all the twisting metaphors, and the way T.S. writes like she’s got a feather in her palm rather than a keyboard at her fingertips. Most of all, he likes that she begins and ends each chapter with a poem, and that his parents had lifted “Holiday House” from this book and plastered it across their own property. He likes that the novel lives here on the shelves of a place named after it. He likes that Eddie’s reading it, now, too.
They read together through chapters four, five, six, seven, and eight. Eddie seems invested, but the time it’s taken them to get here is enough to have practically starved them both.
“I’ll make us something to eat,” Steve says as Eddie turns to chapter nine, “Keep reading.”
“Without you?”
“I’ve already read it.”
Steve gets up off the couch, missing the warmth Eddie’s body had been exuding, but his hunger supersedes his desire to crawl back onto the couch and fall asleep on Eddie’s chest.
Tonight.
“Hey, Steve?”
“Mmm?”
“Do you have a pen?”
“Should be one in the desk in the sunroom,” Steve replies without a second thought, “What’re you hungry for?”
That night they go to the aformentioned bar, Eddie get’s a little tipsy, and they have a fantastic time (at first). The band is beyond good, the crowd is loud, and by 10 P.M. these two girls have joined them, and Steve and Eddie are having a hell of a time chatting them up.
Ally and Aubree—neither of which are Steve’s type, but are arguably gorgeous. Blond, sunkissed, wreaking of tequila and sunscreen and cheap perfume. He’s finding it very funny to chat with Aubree (he’s pretty sure it’s Aubree) knowing full well he’ll be pedal-to-the-metal gunning it home at midnight. Maybe he and Eddie won’t even make it out of the car. Maybe they’ll go out to the parking lot and it’ll already be too late for them, falling all over each other into the back-seat while Ally and Aubree disappointedly hunt for different prey.
It dawns on Steve, then, he’s sort of being an ass, but so far, nothing in he and Aubree’s conversation has explicitly alluded to going home together. For all he knows, she’s gonna go home and jump Ally’s bones--same deal as him.
The same, however, cannot be said for Eddie, who is clearly too good at flirting for his own good, and has Ally completely hooked. Steve can’t help glancing over now and again, watching them closely, not feeling jealousy, but more… awe? He’s incredibly impressed with Eddie’s performance.
“You think she’s hotter?”
Steve starts.
“What?!”
“You think Ally’s hotter than me,” Aubree states again, voice loud over the music and the crowd, but not loud enough for it to catch Ally or Eddie’s attention.
“No—I—”
Eddie and Ally get up from the table. Something inside Steve’s guts sinks, and sinks low. He watches them disappear into the crowd. He swallows. He turns back to Aubree.
“I think you’re gorgeous,” he says, honestly, “I’m just not looking for a hookup tonight.”
Aubree grins at the compliment. Steve tries to keep his cool, but he’s feeling the exact opposite of cool. He is, in fact, spiraling. He realizes, in this moment, Eddie may not be attracted to that girl, but that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s not going to oblige her.
Steve had thought this was all fun and games, but now he just wants to throw up.
Not that it’s any of his business what Eddie does. Not that Eddie’s obligated to stick to only him this summer. It’s a fling, afterall.
A fling.
“You wanna dance?” Aubree asks.
"What?"
She points, "Dance!"
The indie-folk vibe is not incredibly conducive to dancing, but Steve’s up for anything if it takes his mind off Eddie and that girl. That girl. Eddie had said verbatim he was gay, right?
He allows himself to be led to the dance floor.
He tries to forget.
He feels sick.
In the car on the drive back, Steve knows he’s being eerily quiet. He knows Eddie is uncomfortable with his silence. He knows he should turn on the radio, or say something, but all he wants to do is ask if Eddie kissed that girl, if maybe he did something worse than that, and if he had, Steve desperately wants to know how and why and what the logistics of hooking up with some random girl in Maine were when Eddie had said he was gay, and if all gay men could just hook up with women, and if all Eddie had to do was think of Mark Hamil or some other nice guy and that was good enough for him, because a hole is a hole and—
“Are you pissed, or something?”
Eddie’s tone is already accusatory, and it just makes Steve feel worse.
“No.”
“Yes, you are.”
“Don’t tell me how I feel.”
Eddie scoffs.
“Then don’t act like a kicked puppy because I made out with some random chick at a bar.”
Made out.
Steve goes so quiet it’s like he’s not even breathing, at this point. He feels the urge to cry burning at the back of his skull and he fights it, hard. He knows it’s not his place to be upset—they never said anything about them being exclusive this summer. Steve was flirting with Aubree somewhat, too, and danced with her, even.
Not really because he’d wanted to, but still.
Steve swallows.
“Are you pissed at me?”
Steve’s eyes don’t leave the road, but his hands grip the wheel so tightly his knuckles are an unnatural shade of white compared to the rest of his skin. He can feel Eddie’s eyes on him—all the more reason not to cry. He’s fighting tooth and nail for it. He doesn’t get why this all feels so bad. He doesn’t get why he’s so upset.
Maybe he had just expected tonight to be their night.
But that’s stupid, isn’t it? “Why the fuck would I be mad at you?”
Steve’s turn to scoff—he has no idea why Eddie would be mad, but it’s hard to believe he isn’t when he sounds so goddamn angry.
“I don’t know.”
“You’re ridiculous, you know?”
“At least I’m not mad.”
“I’m not mad—” Eddie’s getting madder every second.
They pull into the driveway and Steve stops abruptly, pretty much wrenching the key out of the ignition and kicking the driver door open the way Eddie had done to the passenger.
It’s a little satisfying, he will admit.
He stalks up the driveway, because now he is mad, and hurt, and feeling like he’s been betrayed even though he hasn’t been. He wants to sleep it off. He has to sleep it off. “Now who’s the mad one?!” Eddie calls after him, and Steve's resolve snaps like a twig. He spins around, tears flowing, anger spilling.
“You don’t even like girls!” he yells. Eddie’s so taken aback he literally takes a step back, even though there’s a whole driveway of space between them. “What the fuck kind of asshole makes a guy wait an entire week to be with him, and then two-hours before the week is up, runs off to make out with some random bitch?!"
He hadn't meant that, the bitch part, but it feels so good to say it now, even though he'll feel guilty about it later.
“Why do you care so much?!” Eddie yells back, so furious now he’s literally red in the face— “You’re gonna do the exact same shit a month from now!”
“Says who?!” Steve shouts, “Who the fuck said September 1st is gonna roll around and I’m suddenly not gonna be fucking obsessed with you, Eddie?! Because I have been fucking dying for this week to be over, and it’s gonna fucking kill me to go home, but I’m gonna do it for you, okay?!”
His chest is heaving. He can feel the red in his cheeks and the salt on his tongue. He is, for maybe the hundredth time, utterly pathetic. But he can’t stop himself.
“Steve—”
“If we’re doing this,” he says, “We’re doing this. You’re mine for twenty-two fucking days. I. Like. You."
Steve turns on his heel and storms inside, leaving the door to Holiday House hanging wide open. As angry as he is, he doesn’t want to risk slamming it shut and having Eddie turn and go. This way, Steve at least knows he’ll follow him inside to shut and lock the door.
He trudges up the stairs and into his room, leaving that door open, too. He peels out of his shirt and unbuckles his belt, pulling it from the loops and tossing it angrily to the floor. He runs his hands through his hair, trying to put himself back in order, halting the flow of tears and taking deep breaths to soothe his anger.
“I’m sorry,” comes quietly from the doorway, “I just—I didn’t know it was serious for you.”
That seems ridiculous, all things considered.
“It’s not for you?”
There’s a long quiet. Steve doesn’t have it in himself to turn around. He should’ve known what he was feeling wasn’t reciprocated—Steve’s not the kind of guy Eddie wants or needs, and for some reason he hadn’t prepared himself for that, even though he knew it all along. He should be grateful, take what he can get, but all he feels is—
“I was trying to… I thought you would feel better about all this if you thought I didn’t care,” Eddie admits. “I thought if you knew how much I fucking liked you, you wouldn’t let me have you at all.”
Steve spins around, hands on his hips, chest still heaving.
“What time is it?”
Eddie blinks. He looks thoroughly disheveled, still red, and sheepish, like somehow he’s humiliated himself. In a few ways, he has acted like a fucking fool, but Steve is no less attracted to the idiot now than he was before. He did a stupid fucking thing, but Steve has done a hundred stupid fucking things in his life, and he’ll do a hundred fucking more. Eddie's logic is sort-of sound, he just wishes he would've said something to Steve instead of taking it out on some random girl.
“What?”
“What. Time. Is. It?” Steve demands again. Eddie stammers, eyes darting around the room until they land on the alarm clock on Steve’s bedside table.
“Twelve-thirty? Are we—”
Steve doesn’t let him finish.
He surges forward and seizes Eddie by the face, bringing their mouths together insistently, all tongue and teeth and spit and bitter remnants of tears. Eddie get’s hands on his ass and he moans about it, which spurs the older boy forward, and they go tumbling back into Steve’s bed.
I love you, he thinks.
“I’m sorry,” Eddie mumbles against his throat before he's sucking and biting and soothing with his tongue and Steve is reduced to sensation--Eddie's body on top of his, knee between his thighs, bedsheets against his back--
“Prove it,” Steve breathes.
And he does—over and over and over again.
End Part 2
(Previous Part)
#lgbtq#gay#writer#fanfiction#fanfic#steddie#steve harrington#stranger things#eddie munson#august#august of '85#august taylor swift#folklore#taylor's version#songfic#steddie songfic#ficlet#writing this almost put me out of comission istg#but i did it#there will be more
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