#i need to read something written by someone who has never experienced a human emotion or depicted one either

[fingertipsmp3]

I’m not sure if I’m actually in a reading slump or if it’s just that every single book I’m currently reading is a lot

[kyluxtrashpit]

(Okay this is a twitter thread that I wrote in a haze of emotion and people seemed to really agree so I’m putting it here too. Half meta, half personal opinion, and not edited into tumblr format as much as I’d like cause editing on mobile sucks and it seems I’m always on mobile these days lmao so read it if you like, don’t if you don’t)

I think, all these years later, I’ve figured out what it was about post-tfa kylux vs every variation after that just. Irks me a little. And it’s something I’ve written myself, so like. I’m not coming at anyone except canon with this, because we worked with what we were given. It’s what canon *set up* and forced us into that I have a grievance with

And it’s this feeling of unbalancing. Of tipping the scales. It’s taking them from a position of mutual animosity to a point where Kylo has something to make up for

And yes, Hux was very much going to shoot him while he was unconscious. If you look at the facts, this balances what Kylo did to Hux a few moments later - simple retaliation, actually milder than what Hux was about to do to him. But the fact that Kylo knew it happened is not shown explicitly in the movie, to the point where most people did not realize this and it’s only because of the novelization that we know it at all. And then the incident is never mentioned again, treated as a joke,  just dismissed as unimportant, while what Kylo did to Hux lives on as Hux’s driving motivation in tros too

And I don’t like it. Because I feel like Kylo very much is a person who feels that he has to make up for just existing. That he feels he himself is inherently an inferior being and that he is trying very hard to apologize for it, to be someone who doesn’t have to be made up for

And that’s what drives him. And it’s very sad and I think what is so relatable about the character. And yeah, he’s a villain, he does bad things, but that’s not the point. That’s not what he’s trying to make up for. He’s trying to make up for not being enough as he is, as if he has some defect since birth, a flaw present since conception so deep in his being that it cannot be excised, that he has to constantly compensate for

And that feeling of inferiority is something that very much needs to be solved, because I don’t believe he would’ve gone down the path he did if he didn’t feel that way, and that’s something that a romantic partner (in this case, Hux) could assist with. He could be shown he does have value, because being loved may not be a panacea, but it sure as fuck helps

And to take that driving emotion, to bury it under transgressions that do actually require some kind of making up (because, remember, Hux’s original transgression that caused Kylo to retaliate in such a way is so irrelevant it’s completely ignored by the narrative) just. It not only buries what makes him interesting under a smokescreen of comical moustache-twirling villainy, but also makes it so that the wound that drives him will never be healed. He can never feel like enough, that he is worthy of anything, because his issue of not feeling like enough is no longer relevant in the face of the real transgressions. His feelings are now irrelevant. The relationship can now never be balanced because of it 

And because of that, that wound that is found relatable by the audience can never heal. And that catharsis cannot be felt by the person who actually needs to feel it: the very real human experiencing the story. Because that catharsis can no longer be approached in the story

And this is all despite the fact that Hux actually transgressed first (and we know from the novel Kylo knew it, there is zero ambiguity there, you’d just never know it based on the films and post-tlj side media), because the narrative considers that unimportant. Even though Kylo’s actions make a thousand times more sense in the face of it, it doesn’t matter. Only Kylo’s transgressions do. And now that’s true in the ship as well, else it feels very much icky

And of course getting rid of a mutual enemy to unite against in Snoke didn’t help, but I really think that’s it. The character arc for Kylo that gave me the most catharsis is no longer accessible, or at least much, much more difficult to do. And once again, tlj is what stole it from me

[clairelsonao3]

Writer Q&A

Yay, today's tag game is a Q&A, for which I have @tabswrites to thank! Tess's post is here.

What is your absolute all-time favorite idea you’ve ever had?

Well, I thought it was writing a memoir about the two months I spent on a tall ship sailing across the Atlantic Ocean. The publishing industry thought differently, and now my agent won't return my calls. 😂

Actually, I think all of the ideas that I've actually gone on to execute (except that one, but granted, I only ever wrote three chapters) were good. If an idea isn't good, I probably won't get far with it.

Is there a question you’ve been asked in the past that really stands out to you, and you still think about sometimes?

I've been asked (in a nice way) why I like to write the things I like to write about in fiction (whump and slavery in particular). I could probably write a paper on it, but it's something I don't mind thinking deeply about. Is it trauma? Is it just personal preference? Is it a bit of both? I probably will never know.

What is your favorite part of being a writer? What parts could you take or leave?

Making people feel things via my stories. Think about what a powerful gift that is. You created a fictional person and someone cared enough about them (in that moment) anyway to feel an emotion based on what happened to them. I'm actually not always great at expressing emotion in my real life (I mean, who is) and I DEFINITELY suck at telling stories verbally. (Seriously, it surprises people that I can't tell an anecdote to save my life; I get tongue-tied and awkward. I just can't do it). But I love writing stories because it's the best means (sometimes the only means) I know to make a connection with someone emotionally in that way.

But almost literally having to strap yourself down in front of a screen and go days without experiencing sunlight, fresh air, or other human because it's the only way you can finish something you're working on and feel superhumanly compelled to finish? Take or leave.

What is your greatest motivation to write/create?

Characters with stories that simply are crying to come out, and that haven't been told by anyone else. (If they HAVE been told by someone else, I wouldn't need to write them!)

What is the best piece of advice you’ve ever read or been given as a writer?

Write what you want, not what you think you should.

What do you wish you knew when you were first starting out writing?

See above.

What is your favorite story you’ve written to completion? Link it if you’d like and can!

The Adored, my YA thriller. I've completed (and published) three other novels, but this is the only one I'll talk about. 😂

What is your favorite out-of-the-box quote?

Bad writers imitate. Good writers steal.

Which of your characters would you say has the most controversial mindset? Why do you say so, and how do you personally feel about their ideals?

Wait, do you actually mean "controversial," or do you mean just plain evil? Because I have plenty of villains whose mindsets are just ... not good at all. Assuming you mean just controversial and/or morally gray, Jake from Good Slaves Never Break the Rules has ideals that are noble, but his methods are, well, less so. It's not entirely his fault, though!

If you, when you first started writing, met you now, what would younger you think?

I think she'd probably hit me over the head with a wiffle bat (I started writing when I was four or five so I feel that would be her weapon of choice) for getting so far away from my roots (i.e. writing romance and things I'm passionate about) and taking this long to get back to them.

I always seem to tag the following people in games they've already done or don't wanna be tagged in, and I expect this one will be no exception.🤣 But I'll give it a shot! And please ignore it if I failed again:

@romanceandshenanigans @starlit-hopes-and-dreams @i-can-even-burn-salad

[violetren]

Blood of the Basilisk Chapter 26

The morning after sequence is so sweet. I loved Nadani's quiet contemplations over Kota as she got dressed, both the observations about how Kota hides the signs of her non-human heritage, and her trying to parse out her own emotions. I interpreted the scene as Nadani experiencing a desire for intimacy. The type that comes from being vulnerable and accepted wholly in return. Sex can be and might very be the most common way of sharing such a feeling, but its hardly the only way.

I'm curious to see if Nadani is going to see sex as a convenient mode of expressing a certain level of intimacy in a way Kota is familiar with; a tool in her arsenal that she gets enjoyment from because of what it allows her to share with her partner rather than because she feels desire for the act itself. Or if she's going to find other ways of expressing intimacy and care without trying to engage in something that she never really wants in the way Kota does. Or if she realises she's demi like Dura. Or if her experience really is a trauma response. Idk. I like imagined options one and two best and frankly think one seems most likely at this juncture.

Especially since it seems like Kota wants to be slammed down big style and Lou has definitely got Kota pegged as someone who likes to get treated rough.

Speaking of Lou, I liked the fact that she's as old as potters wheels and domesticated horses and older than the precursor to ancient Greece/about 1500 years older than the written word was used to be like "QUEER PEOPLE EXIST AND HAVE BEEN EXISTING THE WHOLE TIME KIDDOS!" Truly fantastic.

I also really liked that Lou took the time to make sure Nadani knows that even if she does begin developing feelings of sexual desire or just happens to want sex for other reasons that it will be fine and normal and not make her the same as anyone who has used her before. That's probably gonna be important for Nadani to think on, especially if/when it turns out Kota wants to get fucking railed until she can't walk or form sentences.

Another cool part of that conversation was the acknowledgement that Nadani has some of Pyter's magic and they have bonded in some which way. Perhaps from the moment they met on the Bloody Aether since it was such a charged moment of Pyter and Kota being like "oh fuck no" about Nadani's enslaved status.

FINALLY ANSWERS FOR THE PENDULUM.

Sorta.

Is it a fucking bomb? Did Thilde give my baby a bomb? Bitch better hope not, and if she did then gods above and below it better have been an accident or I'm tearing down the walls of reality to make her drink bleach.

I need to go read the next chapter immediately to resolve this cliff hanger.

[fruttymoment]

if twitter truly getting shutdown then all of my hard work is gone? just like that? why would i make something if it can just be gone forever like that? why would i learn something if i forgot about it later? why would i even do anything at all?

I do not believe Twitter is shutting down. In fact, it was the OFFICE that has been shut down, not the app&servers etc. It will be open again in some time i believe. Despite everything, Twitter is literally one of the biggest and main social media app like ever. It cant really just collapse. Worst that can happen is Twitter being sold again to someone lol

"Imagine the internet dying forever suddenly. With no internet, are you still valuable and important? If you are nobody without the internet, you need to change some things in your life." Is one of my favorite sentences ever. Life must be beyond the internet. So please, dont put your everything to the internet/social media. You shall do your true works in real life. I know its easy to say, but it really is possible. Internet is for our entertainment and information, not a life style.

Why would you do anything at all? Well, we all are born to die. In my opinion, this is the meaning of "life"

Why all important people in the history discovered amazing things, worked hard and all? They also knew they were going to die one day, so why?

Because life means "living the moment". Who cares the end? Literally do whatever you want. You dont need to be an important person, do very special things etc. Life means living today. If you are alive, do something you want today. You dont need your name written by gold letters in history, humanity also will go extinct one day.

What matters, is today. Right now. Are you not happy today? Make yourself happy. You are a very complex, precious biological being with emotions and you deserve to be happy. Everyone does. If you cant make yourself happy, then maybe the definition of being happy is wrong to you.

Happyness does not mean finally achieving your dream. Because when you finally achieve it, there will be no more dreams. Its like wanting to buy something so bad, and when you finally buy it, you realize it wasnt that necessary afterwards. I myself experienced that soo many times.

I myself always aim for the impossible dreams. Why? So i can have fun chasing it forever. Sometimes, adventure is more important than your destination.

But hey! Even living aimlessly is fun. You dont need to have a wacky dream or something to be happy. Nothing wrong with endlessly exploring, learning stuff and living the moments with no purpose in the end.

Sure, you do need to have a job and money to live in the end. But no need to stress yourself for that. You will do it. Stay happy and determined, and you literally can do anything. Motivation is one of our strongest feelings.

And go ahead. Fail things to learn from your mistakes. True success doesnt mean perfection. A successfull person is not someone that is perfect. Its someone that failed at things so hard in the past, but never gave up in the end.

If you are reading this, then you are alive. And you should be proud. Being alive is much harder than it seems, actually.

You already survived from many things. And today, you are successfully alive. So, why give up now?

Make your today different, and have fun with it! Learn from your past, and dont think too hard for tomorrow. We humans literally made the term "time" anyways. Other creatures doesnt even think about it, cuz time doesnt actually exists. It only exists in our mind. Past, future, blehh. Just live your today.

As for writing this, i am getting ready to go outside.

The weather is nice. Exams are over for me. I slept like a baby last night.

Today is very great :>

[band--psycho]

Klaus Mikaelson x Reader-If Only You Didn’t Have To Forget

Written for the amazing @sweeterthanthis! Congratulations on hitting such a huge milestone! You totally deserve it!🥳  my prompt was ~You’re beautiful to me because you’re human. Your frailty. Your short years. Your heart. All that suddenly seems more precious than anything I’ve ever known~ (Find it in bold)

I also paired it with this request from @devilsbooksworld

I hope you all enjoy this!💛

TVD Masterlist / Klaus Mikaelson Masterlist

Warnings: Toxic relationship, mentions of death, hints of depression

“We’re done, Sean…” Y/n said, desperately trying to keep herself together as she walked away from the man she’d spent years loving.

“You can’t be serious!” Sean shouted, running after her. He grabbed her by the hand roughly, pulling her back to him.

“I can’t be serious? I walked into that party to see your tongue down some random girls throat!” She retorted back, her throat burning as the words left her mouth, her eyes lingering on the corner of his mouth where the red lipstick stain from the other girl was. The rage in Sean’s eyes was undeniable as he moved closer towards her, “I was drunk and if you’d come with me like I asked I would’ve been kissing you instead!” He seethed, his grip on her hand growing tighter.

“That’s such a fucked up thing to think let alone say! I’m your-” with a quivering breath Y/n corrected herself, “I was your girlfriend, that’s not something you do when you’re in a relationship with someone!”

Somehow she’d found the strength to pull out of his tight grip. As she pulled away she saw her ring fall from her hand but at that moment she didn’t care. There were too many emotions filling her head. She wanted to slap him, shout at him, make him feel how he’d made her feel. But as she looked at him, she realised everything her friends had told her about him was true. She’d stood up for him so many times but now she was done. He wasn’t worth it. She needed to get away from him, so with that thought in mind she made her way away from him.

“Where are you going?” Sean shouted after her.

“Home” Y/n replied bluntly, her pace increasing as she heard his footsteps following after her.

“Yknow, no one else is ever gonna want you after this! You’re not even that pretty” Sean hollered after her, “You were lucky to be with me Y/n/n. No ones ever gonna want you when I say what I’ve got to say,” he continued, storming after her as she ran down the road, trying to get away from him.

“I’m gonna make your life a-”

Y/n expected to hear an end to that sentence, but when she turned round, he was gone. Just like that he’d vanished. Her eyebrows furrowed in confusion as she tried to work out where he’d gone but she couldn’t deny the relief that washed over her body knowing he wasn’t chasing after her anymore. She ran a hand through her y/e/c hair before turning round to continue her walk home but as she turned round she saw a figure on the dimly lit street . At first she thought it was Sean but as the figure moved closer towards her, she realised it wasn’t Sean.

“Hello, Y/n,” the man said, his British accent catching her off guard. Her eyebrows furrowed again as she tried to work out who he was and  how he knew her name. She knew she wouldn’t forget someone as good looking as the man in front of her.

“Don’t worry, love, he won’t be bothering you again,” he soothed, his thumb wiping away a red mark from the side of his mouth. The way the nickname rolled off his tongue was enough to distract Y/n for a few seconds but then she realised that that mark on the corner of his mouth was blood. She mentally cursed herself as realisation dawned on her, this man was a vampire. A vampire who probably just killed her now ex boyfriend...

“Who are you?” Y/n asked, avoiding all eye contact with the man in front of her. Of course the one night she

“Oh yes, you haven’t seen me like this,” he paused for a second as a small smirk tugged at the side of his mouth, “I’m Klaus Mikaelson.”

Shit. That’s what Y/n thought when she heard the name fall from his lips. Her eyes darted to her hand before she remembered that she’d left her ring at the party. Typical. She thought to herself a small sigh falling from lips. She’d heard of Klaus. He was an original vampire...who wanted to kill Elena for some sort of weird  sacrifice.

“You’re the original vampire that wants to kill my friends…” Y/n stated, Klaus’ eyes almost beamed with pride as she said those words, “Where’s Sean?”

His eyes widened slightly, surprised by the concern that was on her voice, “Your pathetic ex is perfectly fine, I just needed a snack,” he began, his tongue slipping out of his mouth to lick his lower lip. It was such a simple action yet Y/n couldn’t deny the way her core ached when he did it. She managed to keep her composure as he continued to talk,”And as for your first point...there’s a reason I want to kill the doppelgänger,”

“Oh I’m well aware of your reasons,” Y/n scoffed, trying to brush off her growing arousal for the man in front of her.

“So what are you gonna do to me?” She asked, her voice strong and unwavering.

“Pardon?” A confused look was visible in both of their eyes.

“Well considering who you are and who my friends are I assume you’re gonna do something to me,”

“So what’re you gonna do? Kill me, compel me to hurt or kill my friends, turn me into a vampire?” She asked, noticing the look of confusion that was growing in Klaus’ eyes as he stared at her, “Why are you staring at me like that?”

“Because you’ve listed things that would terrify a normal human, yet you don’t seem scared at all,” Klaus replied, the confusion in his eyes turning into something else. A look of both adoration and worry. He couldn’t help but admire how brave she was. But it also saddened him slightly, she was so young and nothing that she listed seemed to scare her. He couldn’t help but wonder what her life had been like, had she always been this courageous or was it something that had happened recently.

“One of my best friends is dating a vampire, who also has a vampire brother, my other best friend is a vampire, the other is a witch and I’m human. Sooner or later something like this was bound to happen,” Y/n explained, snapping him out of his thoughts. He sent her a small smile,  “I’m not going to hurt you, I think you’ve been through enough tonight,” he soothed, reaching out to put a strand of her y/c/h behind her ear.

Y/n shuffled quickly away from his touch but his fingertips managed to brush against her skin, making her blush slightly. She shook her head, snapping herself back to reality now.

“Like you even care, you’re a psychotic original vampire, why would you care about me and what I’ve been through?”

“Because despite what most people think, I have a heart,” he answered back and when Y/n looked into his eyes all she saw was honesty, of course that could all be apart of his facade, “I see the pain in your eyes...it’s almost like you want to die,”

“I don’t want to, I’m just not scared of dying. It’s gonna happen one day,” she answered candidly and although her answer took her by surprise, it was the truth. Y/n wasn’t stupid. She knew the risks of being friends with who she’s friends with. It put a target on her back and unlike the majority of people in the group she had no way to defend herself nor anyone to really protect her. She was one of the least important people in the group and she knew it, she’d accepted her fate a long time ago. It was just a matter of time.

“That is a dark outlook for someone as beautiful as you to have on life,”

“It’s a realistic outlook to have given the world I’m living in, and I’m not beautiful,” She snapped, pushing past him slightly in an attempt to hide the blush that was frowning on her cheeks.

“You are,” he cooed, grabbing her hand lightly unlike Sean had.

“You’re beautiful,” he repeated, moving closer towards her, his hand stroking soothing circles on her knuckles.

“How could a vampire who’s a thousand years old think that I’m beautiful? I’m a human-“ Y/n began, trying not to think about how his touch made the butterflies in her stomach swarm and made her heart do somersaults.  

“You’re beautiful to me because you’re human. Your frailty. Your short years. Your heart,” Y/n hadn't noticed how close her and Klaus were until she felt his warm breath on her lips. That alone was enough to make all the words she’d planned on saying vanish from her mind. “All that suddenly seems more precious than anything I’ve ever known,” he continued, his voice barely above a whisper as he glanced down momentarily at Y/ns lips. He could see the fight she was having with herself mentally but he couldn’t resist her any longer. Within seconds his hands were on her waist, pulling her closer to him as he connected their lips. The kiss was much more gentle than Y/n had expected but no less passionate and it set off an explosion in her heart that she’d never felt when she’d kissed someone. It was the type of kiss that she’d only ever read about in stories. Klaus’ lips moulded against hers perfectly, like they were made for her and only her. Although part of her mind was telling how wrong all of this was, she couldn’t help but melt into the kiss. She knew this was wrong. He was the enemy. He was planning on killing her friends. But she couldn’t deny the way her heart burst when he pushed her up against a nearby wall. instinctively she wrapped her arms around the back of his neck, deepening the kiss. Being with him like this felt like nothing she’d ever experienced. It felt so...so right. She felt like she could stay in this moment forever, getting drunk off the taste of his lips.

Neither of them had any idea how long they’d been kissing for but it was long enough to leave both of them panting slightly for air as they pulled away from the kiss, both of their minds caught up with the situation. Klaus knew what was racing through Y/ns mind, it was obvious, but he was also plagued by his own demons. He didn’t want to stop kissing her, he could’ve done it all night long if she’d let him. A small sigh left his lips as he rested his forehead against hers, momentarily glancing into her y/e/c orbs, almost getting lost in them as he imagined all the things that could be between them. But as he closed his eyes, realisation dawned on him. He knew what he had to do. He couldn’t be selfish with her, he was a monster to some but there was something about her that he just wanted to protect and protecting her, meant doing the very thing that would crush his heart. A shaky breath left Klaus’ lips as he pulled away from Y/n slightly, one of his hands moving to her chin, his finger tilting her head up, forcing those y/e/c orbs that first caught his attention to look up at him.

“Now, you are going to go home, call your friends and tell them what happened between you and Sean. You won’t remember talking to me but I truly hope you start to see the beauty in life again, you’re too young to not enjoy everything life has to offer.”  And just like that he vanished so Y/n wouldn’t see him. He watched her as she made her way home, a single tear running down his cheek as he watched her go further and further away from him.

Maybe in another universe, things could be different and he’d be able to show her how beautiful she truly was in his eyes. He’d be able to treat her the way she deserved to be treated. But alas, that was not this world and despite the way she made him feel, she had to forget everything that had happened. Klaus wasn’t stupid, he knew that her friends would use her to get to him and he couldn’t let her go through anymore pain.

Tagging: 

@xacatalepsyx​, @jensenackles512​, @brown-eyed-babes, @little-diable​ , @akshi8278​, @milly-louise​, @beth-winchester21​, @123cxcv​, @bxnnywatts​ , @treat-winchesterswith-kindness​, @kais-messiahbaby​ , @wandamaxigod​ . @tempt-ress​ , @camillyb​ , @heloisedaphnebrightmore​​

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[angelssdecay]

Why Xiao isn’t just some edgelord, an essay by yours truly (or: I need sleep)

Before you read!! 

This was mainly written because I kind of got tired of Xiao being labelled as ‘edgelord’ a lot of times and while I have nothing against it when it’s jokingly said (after all I call Childe a ‘clown’ all the time or Klee ‘Arson child’ haha, you get what I mean) I also feel like him getting meme’d as that leads to a lot of mischaracterization. I’m not here to attack anyone or anything!! Just sharing my personal thoughts about him influenced by his canon lore in game + headcanons I developed while writing fics for him. I hope you don’t mind my brainrot.

-            I suppose that a lot of Xiao’s characterization as an ‘edgelord’ comes from his wildly dark history and the way he expresses himself (like growling when he’s thinking about his past memories) that is quite different from other characters in Genshin when he’s not like this because he wants to but because he’s been shaped by his trauma that reaches wide into the past and the fact that he doesn’t belong in the human world   -          he is stuck in the mortal world while having to defend it from otherworldly beings and forces that threaten to destroy the fragile balance between both worlds, and it’s a task he fulfils with pride because it was given to him by Rex Lapis, the god who saved him from his former master – 

-          an evil deity who had abused and used him and forced him to commit atrocities that still haunt him to this day; he never wanted to kill, he never wanted to have to take away someone’s dreams but he was helpless to resist and in the end he stained his hands with so much more blood than he ever wanted to   -          taking his trauma and the way he talks about it and labelling it as ‘edgy’ is plain disregarding towards the pain he went through in his early years when his innocence was stolen from him and then utterly destroyed until Rex Lapis saved him and gave him his life back, a duty he can be proud of and the chance to regain a bit of his former gentleness because that’s who he is deep inside: a kind and gentle soul that never wants to hurt anyone

  -          not to mention the trauma he experienced by having to watch the only family he ever had, the other Yakshas, perish one after another – whether it was because they were consumed by the darkness they fought and killed one another or because they died in battle – he wasn’t able to save any of them and while it’s never talked about in-game lore I doubt that their deaths didn’t leave a mark on him that lasts till today. To be heralded as the last Yaksha is surely not a title that Xiao is proud or happy about.   -          to get to his character trait of him usually keeping his sentences curt and to the point (like his good morning line ‘’We're wasting time. Let's go.’’) and him growling when he thinks about his sorrowful past that probably made people label him as edgy – does it really surprise anyone that he doesn’t talk like humans from Teyvat talk when he’s a) not human and b) has spent almost all of his life in solitude?   -          which would obviously lead to him being extremely used to dealing with emotions and humans; despite having such a kind and selfless heart (more to that later) but he’s just not used to conversing with humans - mainly because Adepti need to keep their distance from humans lest their adeptal energy will harm them   -          when Xiao kept his distance from humans all these years, it was for their own good (something he says during the first meeting with the traveller and something I think he firmly believes in because past encounters with humans never went well for them and again, he doesn’t want to hurt anyone and certainly not humans)   -          and while he’s gotten used to living in solitude I don’t think he actually enjoys having to live like this – he’s incredibly lonely and suffers from it - and just like every living being he longs to have someone to talk to and who understands him, even appreciates him although this is something he wouldn’t dare to wish for because it’s something that can’t be fulfilled (Lumine: sikes you thought you can stay alone forever, yeah too bad for you I’m here for you now)   -          it was stated in the article about Xiao and his creation process how curious he is about the human world despite trying to hide it from others (and himself too because longing for something you can’t have or take part in hurts like hell and god knows he’s experienced enough in his life) -  but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t yearn to experience those feelings of warmth and love that most humans as well   -          and when I say love I don’t necessarily mean romantic love although I don’t count it impossible for him (though it would take a long time for him to break down his own walls and find the courage to love and be hurt, and I think abrupt love confessions would frighten him because he simply never experienced it before – a life of bloodshed and battle certainly don’t help with understanding his own or other hearts)   -          no, what I mean are the different kinds of love he’s seen humans share with each other – a mother’s love when she puts her child to bed with a goodnight kiss, a friend’s platonic love when they hug their friend who’s sad or simply out of joy – it’s all things he never got to experience for himself but secretly longs to experience as well (fight me on that because I’ll die on that hill)   -          and this also leads to me firmly believing that he doesn’t hate humans no matter how often he ‘mocks’ traditions and customs – it’s mainly to hide his own curiosity and longing to join them knowing that he doesn’t belong with humans. But he certainly doesn’t hate them no matter his words because you can’t guard and protect someone without loving and caring for them. If he truly despised humans he would have never risked his life and soul for as long as he has to protect them.   -          and he knows that he will never receive any gratitude for the suffering he endures, nor that anyone will pray to him, or even pray for him to come home from battle safely – all he has left by now is himself and his duty he proudly continues to fulfil to honour his fallen comrades and his contract with Zhongli – and yet he keeps fighting such a thankless and seemingly endless battle without any complaints or lamenting his cruel fate; if that isn’t kindness then I really don’t know anymore   -          not to mention that if he truly was an ‘edgelord’ he’d be lamenting his cruel fate or curse at everything for forcing him to live such a life devoid of any warmth and joy – but he doesn’t. Because no one survives thousands of years with a heart full of hatred and no one understands that better than him who has fought against the lingering wrath and hatred of fallen gods.   -          and while Xiao himself doesn’t believe that he is kind (after all both his hands and soul are stained by blood, he’s nothing more but a weapon or so he would say if someone told him he’s kind) it’s his selfless and devoted nature and his love for the simple things in life – a nice dish of Almond Tofu, flowers, the soft tunes of a flute - that make him such a gentle soul – he just doesn’t realize nor acknowledges that part of himself   -          so if someone loves him they have to love all the cracks in his soul and try to pour their light into them, be patient with him because it will take him a very long time to get used to all these feelings, to the reassurance that he is loved and also deserves to be loved, after all this is so foreign to him and very likely to frighten him but in return he will love unconditionally and be forever loyal as he is loyal to the land he continues to protect 

...and what more could anyone ask for, right?

[beetthereet]

an analysis on alice oseman’s writing in radio silence (only radio silence since i’ve yet to read any of her other books) because wow this human can wRITE:

(this will contain spoilers so don’t blame me if i did spoil you<3)

this will just be split up to sections because i have a lot to say and this is how i organize my thoughts best.

The way she writes first person P.O.V;

The entirety of ‘Radio Silence’ is written from the perspective of our main character, Fraces Janvier, speaking from a future stand. The entire story is written in a past tense from the perspective of an older Frances who knows what will end up happening, who knows everything.

From someone who enjoys writing, first person point of view is sO HARD TO WRITE. I was honestly mesmerized by the way Oseman wrote this book. Another thing about the writing is that the first-person point of view, truly made the story feel genuine and real. I don’t know what was Alice Oseman’s age while writing this book but it honestly feels like such a true experience of a 17-18 year old who goes a huge change in her life and doesn’t really know what to do with herself, and then finds something she’s passionate about. Truly passionate. It just really feels genuine and true and so I wanted to point it out.

The way the plot builds up;

I think, one of the main reasons Radio Silence is a comforting and fun book that many people enjoy reading _and _rereading, is because of the way the plot is built. Because the book is written in the point of view of Frances, in first person, she describes the plot of the book like she experienced it. It was getting to know someone from ‘saving his drunk ass in a pub’ to ‘this is my very close friend that I truly cherish and don’t want to lose’. And because of that, the entire feel to the plot up to when the universe city fandom figures out that Frances is Toulouse and through that, that Aled is the person behind the anonymous podcast, is so... organic in a way. 

The way this book is written truly makes you feel like you’re a little speck of dust in the air, looking down at these two absolute nerds slowly become so close. You have fun with them, you laugh with them, you get shocked with them, you feel with them. You feel with Frances throughout the book in its entirety. Feeling with these characters as they slowly build their friendship is what makes the big blow when tumblr (and the internet) find out Aled’s identity. An identity he wanted to keep secret. He needed to keep that secret. Because there he could be anyone he wanted. He didn’t need to think of what X, Y or Z would think about him after he said this or that. It was his space. And through Frances, we learn that. And we learn how much it matters to him. And like Frances, we want Aled to have this space. To have this bubble. 

And as the plot moves forward from that big blow of that tumblr post revealing who Radio is (aka, Aled), we feel with Frances and for her. Because after the action of some anonymous user on the internet, she lost her closest friend at the time. She lost a person she cared so much for. And that is emphasized so well when Aled snaps at Frances outside the pub. When he yells and shouts and says things until Raine takes Frances away. And we feel so bad, with Frances. Because Aled lost his bubble, Frances lost her friend and her safe space, and everyone lost something from the situation. 

This is brilliantly brought to light even more with the ‘Childhood Kisses’ episode, where we finally see Daniel talking. We see how bad and heartbroken he feels, and we feel so bad for him because he doesn’t deserve this. None of the main cast of characters did. 

And so, Alice Oseman made us feel for her characters. From Aled, to Frances, to Daniel, to Crays, to Raine. We feel for the characters because we care for them.

The stakes;

The stakes in Radio Silence are directly tied into my last point — the way that the plot was built up. Because, if we hadn’t seen Frances and Aled build their friendship like we did we would’ve never cared about how Aled snapped at Frances. We wouldn’t have had any connection to him, and I mean yeah, losing a friend is hard, but if we hadn’t seen that the personal level of empathy to both Frances and Aled would’ve been lacked in this situation.

This is also very well seen in both the time Aled was struggling to keep his identity a secret and the time Carol almost took Aled with her on the train from uni (at the very end). We know Aled and we know how important it is for him to 1) have universe city, 2) be able to keep universe city a secret from the world and his mom specifically, and 3) not go “home” with her because that’s dangerous for him. If we hadn’t seen Aled and Frances grow close (as I’ve mentioned before), these situations would have had no emotional affect on the reader because you wouldn’t have known Aled.

Basically Alice did an amazing job, I’m in awe<33

Alice Oseman will have you falling for each and every one of her plot twists;

In the entirety of the book Alice has planted multiple little ‘traps’ for you, the reader. These ‘traps’ are just pieces of information that are never confirmed to be true, but are assumed to be based on what we know from Frances and the story so far.

Examples; the whole ‘who is February Friday ordeal’, wtf is going on with Aled and Daniel’s relationship, what’s going to be Frances and Alex’s relationship status, whether Aled was going home or not, and so much more because she is good with this shit.

Using the correct tone to convey whatever she wants to, Alice Oseman managed to keep the reader at the edge of their seat, making them think “oh this is so obvious! I know this!” thinking they had figured it out when she is ten steps ahead of you the entire time. That’s such a smart way of keeping your readers interested and invested and she did it in a way that didn’t feel annoying or ‘ugh i didn’t get this right as well damn it’ but in a interesting and enticing way because the clues — and the solution — to the actual answer were and are right in front of you the whole time.

More on the tone of the whole book;

This book can pride itself on correct tone usage with its writing. Something I personally love to look for while looking at writing critically is the tone of the writing. Does the writing feel like this or that, specifically in dialogue or first person point of view. Does it actually feel like different characters speaking or thinking or narrating, if it’s one person, is the narrating consistent? And with radio silence I can say it just checked all of the boxes.

With every chapter I can feel the exact tone Fraces would say this in if this was spoken, I can understand exactly why it’s her speaking and when she’s speaking to her mother, or Aled, or Raine or Daniel I know who’s she’s talking to and why. There’s so much personality splattered through their words both while speaking (and in Fraces’s case) while narrating honestly it was so brilliantly done I was just having so much fun the entire time.

A little conclusion since I tend to ramble;

In her book, ‘Radio Silence’, Alice Oseman tackles the first person point of view as if it’s a piece of cake, builds the plot brilliantly in a way that makes you connect to the characters and feel like they’re just chatting and enjoying their time together while actually building a plot so nicely, and when it comes into play it’s so well executed, not out of the blue, just *chef’s kiss*.

Through the first part of her book, Alice creates stakes to further conflicts so well and so smoothly it’s honestly mesmerizing, and plants little traps, tricking you into thinking one thing without confirming it while the answer is right under your nose. It’s just so well done I’m gonna sob smh.

+ the tone usage of the entire book was superb.

Anyways, hope you enjoyed my ramble. Have a good day babes <3

[itsclydebitches]

There seems to be no middle ground with RWBY+, they trust you or they don’t. Some have no chance to “earn” it, but others don’t do anything to gain it. James should’ve earned it a hundred times over. He did so much but it wasn’t enough. What did Robyn do? She tried to attack Ruby and was only stopped by Penny. After that? Yang trusts the woman who almost hurt her sister over the man who gave her an arm, then blamed Ruby. Any wonder I hate these characters so much?

The frustrating thing is that I think I can see what RT was going for. Frustrating because it's the reading most of the fandom falls back on, despite the fact that the show... never actually wrote that story. In short, it's the belief that there's established good and bad in this world and we have a responsibility to uphold the former regardless of personal trust. So if a friend of mine is, say, being a racist asshole and a stranger is not, I have a moral responsibility to side with the stranger, despite the fact that I don't know them, technically can't trust them on other matters, and have little to no emotional investment in them as an individual. You need to take the side of what's right, no matter how hard that is. It's why we get so many heroes facing off against former friends and mentors. "You'd really betray me for them?" they say, pointing to the sidekick our hero only met at the start of the story, maybe a couple months ago in-world. "Yeah," they reply. "Because they're not trying to kill everyone." Basic humanity trumps long-term relationships.

That, as far as I can tell, seems to be the basic setup that RWBY was going for: Robyn may be a stranger, but she's the Good Person sticking up for Mantle, whereas Ironwood may be an ally and friend, but he's also the Bad Person hurting Mantle. Ergo, aligning with Robyn wins out, no matter that she's a stranger and Ironwood an ally. That's likewise why fans are so quick to dismiss evidence of Ironwood's good nature. Things like Yang's arm or the licenses aren't accepted as evidence for why the group should have started with more trust in him, they're reframed as excuses for why critics supposedly want to overlook his presumed, horrific nature — something that the story later made real with him shooting Oscar, killing the councilman, hacking Penny, and threatening to bomb Mantle. Viewing the good Ironwood did as some manipulative temptation the group was right to resist depends entirely on seeing Ironwood as the archetypal bad guy to Robyn's good guy.

However, this attempt failed spectacularly for numerous reasons already discussed over the past two years. Ironwood's actions were never revealed as manipulations. The group continued to work with him, thereby shouldering responsibility for his choices. Ruby actively pushed to complete Amity, despite the harm it was doing to Mantle. Robyn never did anything with the resources she stole, etc. This presumed line between Ironwood and Robyn simply doesn't exist in the text — or at least it's incredibly blurred — so when Yang and Blake run to share intel with her, it doesn't feel like the heroes turning away from the wrong path to back the real hero. We don't understand how resources to build a communications tower are hurting everyday peoples' lives. We don't understand why Weiss can't just go up and plug the hole with a bunch of ice. We don't understand why, if hurting Mantle is such an objectively awful thing, our hero Ruby keeps pushing to finish Amity anyway. We don't understand why there isn't at least an acknowledgement of good intentions here, considering that the tower is meant to save the world from Salem, helping Mantle in the long run. We don't understand why, if the group is so concerned with Ironwood's choices, they don't tell him the one piece of information that would get him to stop. And we don't understand Robyn.

Because here's the thing: it's badly written. The whole Amity debate straight through to the Fall of Atlas is a mess of ill thought out morals, shoddy worldbuilding, and outright contradictions. There's no salvaging that without rethinking Volumes 6-8, starting with the group's response to Ozpin. But all that aside, even if we kept things exactly as they are and bought into the assumption that Ironwood is as Bad and Robyn is as Good as the story wants us to believe... the group still should have at least hesitated to trust Robyn. More than a line or two of dialogue between Yang and Blake. I mean actual hesitation and a serious acknowledgement of the complications here. The concept of trust is now a focal point of RWBY and there's enough material across the entire series to make the Robyn situation way more complicated than just the group going, "We should side with her because she wants to do right by the people." Here I'm not talking about what we the audience know about RWBY's construction as a story, I mean what the characters have experienced on screen. It's a simple question at the core of the trust Robyn debate:

How do they know she's telling the truth?

Seriously, how do they know Robyn is who she says she is? That she doesn't have ulterior motives? That she's not outright lying to them and the rest of Atlas? Everything I've heard in defense of the group's fast-track trust falls short. "Well, she's presented as one of the good guys in Atlas, fighting for what's right." You mean like how Cinder, Emerald, and Mercury once posed as huntsmen and joined Ruby's school, supposedly fighting for what was right? "She's interested in politics. It's not like she's out there attacking them like Tyrian." You mean like how Salem infiltrated a kingdom via Lionheart, the White Fang has likewise tried to worm their way into positions of power, and Jacques is currently trying to steal an election? The bad guys don't limit themselves to just trying to murder people straight out. "But she stole resources back for the people!" And did... what with them? For all we actually know, she put those towards a different, nefarious plan. "But she's so passionate and she's sworn she wants to help." People lie! That was the whole thing with Ozpin! Ruby just lied at the start of the Volume. And, funnily enough, Robyn has the semblance that forces others to tell the truth, but no one can make Robyn do the same.

To be clear, I don't actually have a conspiracy theory that she's secretly a baddie. My only point is that fans were right to wonder if she was a White Fang or Salem agent and our group absolutely should have wondered the same. Take away all the personal reasons to trust Ironwood (defending Weiss, Yang's arm, friend of the inner circle, etc.) and we're still left with proof of his intentions in the form of things like Amity's plans and him continually giving the heroes more power, more resources, more connections, more ways to hurt him if they were to ever turn against him. In as much as you can prove anyone is trustworthy, Ironwood was there. But Robyn? Robyn had none of that work. More importantly, that lack interferes with our "She's doing the right thing, so we need to back her" reading. How did the group know she really wanted to do right by the people? And since that's always hard to prove, what did they do to at least attempt to reassure themselves? Absolutely nothing. Which is why the current writing makes them look stupid. They watched the bad guys infiltrate their school, organize the Fall of Beacon, stalk them, pose as allies, turn on them, lie to their faces, are telling lies themselves... and none of them came up when the question of trusting Robyn was put on the table. The idea of someone tricking them (again), or betraying them (again), or lying about Important Topics even though they're doing the same seems to have, somehow, escaped them.

It doesn't matter what Robyn's stance on Mantle is because the group never justified trusting her word and the story failed to show us (and them) that Robyn was doing good. Literally all she does pre-trust is stand for election and, again, we could say the same of Jacques. If the story wanted to make at least a miniscule improvement on this arc, we needed to see either a compelling reason to believe Robyn is all she presents herself as (for example, Penny could have known and vouched for her), or gotten an explanation for why they'd take an unjustified leap of faith when others haven't gotten one, people who have done much to earn that trust. It's a problem that grew exponentially once Oscar trusted Hazel and the group trusted Emerald, but it has existed since Ilia. As it stands, by this logic, Cinder should be able to walk up to the group and go, "I'm not bad anymore. I actually want to help now. No, I'm not lying :)" and that's that. That's what trust means to them. Taking people at their word ...unless you're a flawed ally who has made mistakes. Then trust takes months to rebuild, or is off the table completely.

Ozpin is not trustworthy. Ironwood is not trustworthy. Qrow saying "Hey" is not trustworthy. According to the fandom, Tai is not trustworthy.

Ilia is trustworthy. Robyn is trustworthy. Emerald is trustworthy. Hazel is trustworthy.

It's completely backwards and Robyn was a large part of that strange flip.

[the-six-espada]

TBB Spoilers below. A rant (please don’t pay me any mind, I might delete this :d)

I’ve been fighting the urge to write about this but I decided what the hell. Please note that I’m aware I am discussing the emotions and narrative of a fake show, with a fake universe and fake characters – I’m just dumping some thoughts I’ve had in the past few days.

I’m not aiming to change anyone’s opinion here – I’m well aware there are a lot of people who don’t like Crosshair as they’ve made it painfully aware in the past weeks, however I do want to calmly explain a few things and if you’re interested in reading them be my guest.

I can understand that a lot of people might not entirely comprehend the emotions I will try to explain party because they perhaps never experienced them and partly because I probably won’t word them accurately enough but I will do the best I can.

The contents of the last episode of the Season 1 Bad Batch series have left me a little broken. I’m really trying to not get too emotional but the contents of this series have triggered some emotional trauma I’ve buried (as I’m sure it did for a lot of people, but I will be speaking only for myself here) – I’m not blaming the show in any way. I love the show. It’s because of its good writing and setting that this hurts so much.

Crosshair being left again is really upsetting to me for a lot of reasons. The gaping distance created by the Bad Batch and Crosshair is so hurtful. Earlier on in the show, after seeing the complete disregard for their brother, I thought that perhaps there is part of this narrative that we are missing. Maybe the relationship between them wasn’t as good as we thought. Maybe at some point during their upbringing or the numerous missions they’ve been on together these guys figured out they hate their brother. Or at least don’t care for him. Which would be enough of a reason for them to completely not hesitate to continue their lives without him. However what I cannot understand is – how can you leave him stranded on a platform on a planet that is just water, where the only building on that planet has been blown up minutes prior, without his weapon and backpack.

They practically left him for dead.

You don’t care about your brother and you don’t want him to be on your team? Fine. You can’t get past your differences and work together or have a healthy conversation about your differences in opinions? Understandable. But please explain to me how leaving him with no weapon on a absolutely deserted planet makes any sense? Even if the Empire does come back to look for him (which in my opinion is highly unlikely) what do you think they will do to him? The only Empirial teammate he had and was left alive saw him and snitched on him to Rampart. They gave the order to kill him alongside the other clones. They most likely will either kill him or experiment on him. Hunter knows this. He might not be certain exactly what’s going to happen but he for a fact knows the Empire will discard him - he said so to Crosshair on two occasions.

So now in my opinion is just a question of basic human decency to at least drop him somewhere - on another planet at least I don’t know.

For the people who think Crosshair was too rude to his brothers in the last episode and was making too snarky replies. First, it’s not news that Crosshair in general does that - since day one he has been sarcastic and borderline “rude”. Whether or not his brothers found that annoying or not is up to debate but at least in my opinion they didn’t seem too bothered by it. Ask anyone with siblings - bickering is part of the family relationship. Second, I don’t know if you ever encountered someone after a dramatic breakup (doesn’t matter if it’s a friendship or a romantic relationship) but his behavior was presented very accurately. Please try to imagine getting into a fight with someone you had years of build relationship, people who you deeply cared for and trusted, people you probably loved. You get into a fight, you fall out and don’t hear each other for some time. Now you have a lot of time for these emotions to brew inside you - you will mainly feel sadness. Why did this happen? Why are they not reaching out? They know you are in pain so why aren’t they trying to remedy things? Queue all of the moments you had together, all the good memories, all the emotions you’ve shared and how much you devoted yourself to them. Was it all fake? Did they feel the same? Then comes anger. How could they? How could you? Why did you let yourself be this vulnerable with someone? Why are they not trying to communicate with you? Don’t they hurt the same as you? This segment by the way opens up a whole other door of trust issues and thoughts that lead you to conclusions to never let yourself be this vulnerable with others or have any kind of deep emotions for anyone else but we are not going to tackle that. (Not to mention that until that point Crosshair was already presented as a very closed off character and probably the only people he truly felt comfortable with were his brothers but never mind that now.) So you are angry and sad. Unfortunately even with all that hurt you don’t stop loving this person/these people because it just doesn’t work like that. In fact it is so painful because you love them. Time passes and you finally meet and the first thing that it’s itching at your tongue is to tell them they have hurt you. Which Crosshair did - he explained they’ve left him even though they were brothers and in a way betrayed him. Then comes the desire to inflict pain back - it’s completely irrational because a part of you wants to patch things up but another just wants to get payback. To say something, anything, to hurt them. It’s erratic, childish - exactly what we can see from Crosshair in this last episode. He takes every opportunity to bite back. And honestly I can’t blame him. That’s a totally normal response. I would like to point out that in a way the batch does that too - they are not warm to him in any way either, which again is valid since from their point of view they also probably feel betrayed by him. Also, the fact that he doesn’t feel the need to physically harm them (even though as he said it would have been totally justifiable from his point of view) but just make a few snarky remarks? Yeah, I would let that slide.

Honorable mention to the fact that no one apologized .. for anything. Even a casual “sorry, we left you” or “sorry, we didn’t bother to come looking for you” - nothing. I think at this point no one was expecting for the batch to start dramatically confessing their feelings but just a plain apology would have been a great start. It just confuses me so much. Hunter said to Omega “I’m angry at myself. We don’t leave our own behind.” and yet couldn’t express a simple gesture of apology to him? It makes no sense to me. I know that not everyone is emotional. Not everyone can have or express strong feelings for another human being in a relationship. But the complete lack of interest from the batch since day 1 about what is happening with their brother is baffling to me.

I’m gonna say this once and there are probably going to be people out there who don’t get it and that’s fine but: If you deeply care about someone and love them you would want them to come back. Against all odds. In spite of what they say. You would dare do the impossible just for the off chance something, anything, works and you get to have them back.

The Batch went back to save Hunter. On Kamino. In a situation where, honestly, they were going to die if it wasn’t for Crosshairs decision to give them a chance. They were walking in outnumbered against a person who knew and could predict their every move. And they knew that but they had to try. No such thing at any point was shown for Crosshair. They didn’t even try to get to him at the end. The only one who did was Omega. And I’m willing to believe that if Hunter or whoever stepped in after her conversations with him he was perhaps going to crack but.. no one even tried.

I don’t want to seem like I hate the show or the other characters. Words cannot express how good this show is and how accurately it’s written (in my opinion) but it’s just hurtful. And I believe a lot of us Crosshair fans are hurt because we can empathize. I’m not living under the illusion that my opinion of Crosshair is going to change anyone else’s - this is not what I’m trying to do. This is my post, take it or leave it. I just had thoughts and wanted to lay them out. If you read through all of this, thank you for giving it your time.

[bubmyg]

there was no particular reason i wrote all this down other than reading the translations to my universe made me cry last week because i’m just Like this. this is a mini compilation of yoongi lyrics that i hold gently in my palm and close to my heart in a he’s my artist for life kind of way. these aren’t all my favorite yoongi lyrics, i certainly have more but not ones that fit this general vibe. 

this is like extremely disorganized, i kind of just wrote it like a journal (and i’ll probably copy it to my bullet journal at some point actually). interpretations are my own, music is cool in that we can all read and hear the same thing and get different things out of it (which is why yoongi has often said he doesn’t attach specific meaning to things, giving it up to the listener instead)

so yeah. here’s me being fond of yoongi in 4k for no reason other than. idk. i wanted to. all translations are from doyoubangtan and doolsetbangtan. 

song request - lee sora ft suga

“I’ll be with you, for your birth and your end; That you’d remember that I’m with you, wherever you are; I’ll be a comfort for your life at any time, and so; please, that you’d lean on me and take a rest, every once in awhile.”

to me, this perfectly encapsulates what creating music is for yoongi in a two-fold kind of way. not only does he want his music to be a source of comfort for those who listen to it (just as the art of music is for himself), he’s also consistent in his assurance that taking a rest is okay. not being okay is okay. simply existing for the time being is okay. it’s a gentle empathy that comes from the experienced heart of someone who’s not going to tell you that it is okay, but will tell you that it won’t always be like this. friendly little moon trying to get you to smile with him on sleepless nights.

so far away - agust d ft suran

dream, will eventually be in full bloom at the end of hardships

this was on my undergrad graduation cap. it’s one of my favorite lyrics of all time. if so far away is my heart song, this is my heart lyric. this is a common motif in yoongi’s lyrics; dormancy is only temporary, you will bloom at the end of the cold winter.

dream, hope it to be there with you at your creation and at the end of your life

creation to end is another common motif n his lyrics. in this specific context, i imagine it to most closely be analogous to holding dreams close to you your entire life. dreams are dreams no matter how they manifest, even if they’re simply something you long for until your “end”.

Hope it to be there with you at your creation and at the end of your life; It will be generous to you wherever you stand; It will eventually be in full bloom at the end of hardships; The beginnings will seem humble, so prosperous will the future be

the entirety of this song reads like a story and this last refrain reads like the conclusion (kind of). the slight wording change from the previous choruses means a lot in that regard, more definite and firm. you will be okay. maybe not now, maybe not next week. but you will be.

suga’s interlude - halsey ft suga

Though the dawn before sunrise is darkest; don’t forget the stars you longed for only rise in the darkness

just a really pretty but heart wrenching lyric in the context of the entire song. he’s also used this metaphor several times. i love me a good string of consistency with minor adaptations to fit the vibe. this song also made me cry the first time i read the translations lmao.

my universe - coldplay ft bts

Because the trial we face now is just for a moment anyway; All you have to do is to just keep shining bright like now; And we will follow you, embroidering this long night

this could mean so many things depending on how you wanted to contextualize it. of course the song is about love, so you could view it in that way. we’re in the midst of a global pandemic where we can’t see each other. or maybe it’s simply existence. continue to exist and one day your bright light will be followed even in the darkest of nights.

also the og title of telepathy being 잠시 (for a moment) is so...min yoongi you are so cool

people - agust d

Did someone say humans are the animals of wisdom?; The way I see it, humans are the animals of regret

Your ordinaries are my extraordinaries; Your extraordinaries are my ordinaries; Your ordinaries are my extraordinaries; Your extraordinaries are my ordinaries

super simple to understand which i think makes it more poignant. especially if you contextualize it with everything he’s said or written regarding the plight of fame and how he himself grapples with it as min yoongi.

28 - agust d ft niihwa

just this whole song. if song request encapsulates yoongi’s musical ethos, this captures a lot of his general musings.

paradise - bts

Just living like this, surviving like this, that’s my small dream; Dreaming dreams, grasping dreams, breathing breaths, it’s often too much

a more blunt take on the simply existing is a good enough dream. yoongi’s 2018 new years message was one of the things that made me go “yes. Him™” so paradise is very <3 for me

interlude: shadow - bts

Flying high scares me; I mean, nobody had told me; how lonely it is here –;how my leap could be my fall

another thing he uses frequently, even as recently as an interview regarding permission to dance. the contemplation of how a fall is far scarier than landing because getting back up is uncertain.

Yeah, I’m you and you’re me, do you finally get that now?; Yeah, you’re me and I’m you, do you finally get that now?

the entirety of this song is haunting particularly paired with the sampling and the music video as a visual but this part is just...the whole idea of competing internal voices throughout the narrative of the song or if you’d rather truly treat the lyrics like a piece of literature, you have quite the unreliable narrator, one that’s trying to grapple with his own sense of self.

140503 at dawn - agust d

Pretending that I’m not lonely, pretending that I’m not suffering; needlessly pretending that I’m okay, and pretending hard that I’m strong; I built a wall in front of me, “Don’t come inside”; I’m an island in this wide ocean, “Don’t abandon me”

the entirety of agust d just makes me ache but i mainly pulled this part because he uses the island metaphor consistently. here, it’s used like i said before; achingly.

this song also gets overlooked a lot in the larger context of agust d but anyway

eight - IU ft suga

Island, yeah this is an island; a small island that we made for each other; Yeah, mm, forever young, the word ‘forever’ is a sandcastle; A farewell is just like an emergency text warning of a disaster; A morning met together with yearning; As each of us pass this eternity, we’re sure to meet again on this island

can i be honest and say i forgot this song came out at the beginning of the pandemic. anyway, if you haven’t heard the various times that jieun has spoke about this song and it’s conveyance, i encourage you to. the music video also gives a beautiful visual.

i wrote a small analysis of this when it came out so i’ll just put it here 

burn it - agust d ft max

I hope you don’t forget that giving up decisively also counts as courage

of course this can absolutely be taken at a literal meaning especially considering he said a similar iteration of this to someone on kkul fm BUT i also like looking at it in context of the entire song because maybe this is him trying to convince himself too, especially considering the wording of the last chorus doesn’t change it so it implies in order to get past the fire u need to let it burn first? burn it = giving up on some aspect of pain?

i see why max didn’t shut up for eight months about making this song i wouldn’t either hello

outro: tear - bts

im including this one firstly because i love the song but secondly to say i knew the second u all were surprised by yoongi saying he wrote this as essentially a break up song for bts and they all cried while listening to it that y’all don’t actually read or interact w their lyrics fjdklafjsd

just bc it’s a rap song doesn’t mean it’s a diss or a flex. weirdos.

intro: never mind - bts

I hope you forget about all your mistakes and such; Never mind; It’s not easy, but engrave this in your heart; If you think you’re going to crash, accelerate more, you idiot; Never mind, never mind; Whatever thorny path it may be, go run; Never mind, never mind; There are a lot of things that you can’t control

the entire composition of nevermind is similar to first love and shadow to me where you can just hear the emotion in his voice while performing it

this is also another general idea that he mentions a few different times through different songs which as we’ve seen i am <3 for

intro: the most beautiful moment in life - bts

once again i don’t have a specific lyric to pull i just love this song so much and i feel like it isn’t talked about enough because first of all the use of the basketball throughout the instrumental, the incorporation of the origin of his stage name into an entire song regarding his general existence as a performer and coming into the beginnings of sizeable fame, and just his general way of essentially writing one giant ode to something he loves and analogizing it to something else he loves to talk through internal struggles.

aka im once again saying min yoongi you’re so cool

first love - bts

same line of awe from above this whole song is just a story, a poem, a journal entry, a beautiful confession, i don’t know. this is yoongi’s best bts solo u can argue with a wall about it also if you were able to see this live i hope u have a terrible week (im joking)

every fancam i’ve ever seen of this makes me cry. so. do with that what you will in regards to how i feel about this song.

[bookofmirth]

Hello! This is a bit different from your usual gwynriel/elucien asks, so I hope you don’t mind, but it’s something that’s been bothering me lately and I wonder if anyone else has noticed.

I’m not sure if it’s because if the upsurge in popularity of acotar on tiktok/twitter with a younger audience reading it, or if I’ve just been lucky and not noticed it before, but I’ve seen so many Tamlin stans coming out of the woodwork and it honestly bothers me.

I definitely do agree that Tamlin is a complex character and of course, it’s fine that people are interested in him (I really don’t care about him, but to each their own)! But lately there have been so many people in the fandom arguing that he’s a victim of PTSD who deserves better, often villainizing Feyre/Lucien because of this.

I‘ve seen takes that Feyre was gaslighting Tamlin when she told him she was happy with Rhys because Rhys still had the whole night court persona going on?? And that Lucien and Feyre were a horrible support system because they wouldn’t stand up to him (completely ignoring that when they did Tamlin … ya know … physically hurt both of them)? And that somehow Feyre spying in the Spring Court in ACOWAR was also abusive and manipulative towards Tamlin?

I just genuinely don’t understand where all of this is coming from. I try to be critical of SJM’s writing because I understand that it can be flawed, especially since I have problems with how Feysand was written after ACOWAR, Azriel’s issues with women, the IC’s treatment of Nesta, etc. But I just can’t seem to get behind these interpretations and I’m not sure if I’m just missing something (or ‘biased’ by Feyre’s POV as some claim).

Wooooooo boy, so I didn't know that this was a thing happening but lemme break down how wrong these people are with some of these arguments! This is going to get long.

(I definitely don't mind, I appreciate any ask that's not just about ship wars!)

So I'm going to lay out the claims people are making and talk about them one at a time.

Tamlin has PTSD:

Probably yes. In the beginning of acomaf, Feyre mentions that he has trouble sleeping, just like she does, and I believe he gets up at night, and this is when their relationship really deteriorates. I can't say for sure what he was experiencing, but it seems like he had a lot of anxiety and fears left over from Amarantha and watching Feyre die. The things he was experiencing emotionally are 1000% understandable and valid, even if it wasn't diagnosable PTSD.

But you know who else likely has PTSD? Lucien and Feyre.

Say it with me everyone: emotions do not always justify behaviors.

Feyre is gaslighting Tamlin:

Hell fucking no.

People need to learn what gaslighting is. Gaslighting is not just "lying". Gaslighting is not "disagreeing". Gaslighting is a very specific tactic used to make someone question their memory, their reality, to twist the truth.

Rhys definitely had a persona. That was a calculated decision. But when Feyre tells Tamlin that she is happy, she is not lying at all. Her telling Tamlin that she is happy has nothing to do with whatever lies or manipulations that Rhys did in the past. Why? Because even if Rhys was a super asshole dark dude, Feyre saying she is happy with him is still the truth. Feyre isn't lying, let alone gaslighting Tamlin, that idea is completely laughable.

The only way that people could say that Feyre is gaslighting Tamlin is to say that she is responsible for Rhysand's Dark persona, that she is the one who created it with the intention of making people question what they thought was true. Which she isn't. That isn't even the reason that Rhys created the persona. He created it to obscure the truth in the first place.

And even his persona isn't gaslighting? He isn't trying to make people question their reality. He isn't trying to make people question themselves. He is trying to make himself look scary. And so when he drops that persona, he is telling the truth. He isn't gaslighting people, he is saying "hey I wasn't being honest before but now I am".

And i think that's a big, big difference that people are failing to understand. Gaslighting is about trying to change other people's reality. Rhys's persona was about him. Feyre saying she was happy was about her. Neither of those things were about trying to make people feel like they were crazy.

So there has to be this reality. Let's say Rhys was spotted being menacing. Person A is like "hey, you look scary!" And he's like "noice, my evil plan is working." Then later on Rhys is like "hey you know what, I wasn't being honest before, I'm actually a Super Cool Dude." Person A might be confused for a minute because what they thought was true wasn't true, but they'll get there.

If it were gaslighting, on the other hand, it would go more like: Rhys: *is nice*. Person A: "hey, I thought you were scary though?" Rhys: "nah, that was my good twin, Rhysnaldo. I've never been nice a day in my life. You must be confused." Person A: *questioning everything they thought they just witnessed".

So yeah anyway, people gotta stop using that term if they don't know what it means.

Feyre manipulating Tamlin:

Personally, I agree with the argument that she manipulated Tamlin in the beginning of acowar. I don't think that's even a matter of interpretation, she went to Spring with the intention of burning shit down.

Feyre was not abusive towards Tamlin. She knew his weaknesses and exploited them. I don't care that she did that to him, I think that she deserved a bit of vengeance. However, personally I cannot stand the fact that in doing so she caused a lot of collateral damage and did not gaf. Deal with your abusive ex however you need to, Feyre. Don't knowingly, intentionally bring harm to other people in doing so.

Feyre and Lucien failing as a support system:

NO.

Feyre literally saved Tamlin's life by killing and dying for him. Lucien was also tortured by Amarantha because of Tamlin. Neither of them broke and betrayed him. They were incredibly loyal to him throughout acotar. Even now, when Lucien is being emotionally and physically abused by Tamlin, Lucien is still trying to work with him, make sure he is fed, make sure he doesn't completely lose his humanity fae-ness. Lucien is the only reason that the Spring Court hasn't completely collapsed while Tamlin wallows in his beasty feelings.

Any time that either Feyre or Lucien try to stand up to Tamlin, he gets manipulative and abusive. He emotionally manipulates Feyre into feeling guilty for wanting to be able to defend herself. He emotionally abuses Feyre by making her afraid of his anger and afraid of how he will react to anything that she says or does. He glares or shouts down anything the Lucien says.

Also, Tamlin is a High Lord! They can only do so much when it comes to standing up to him.

For real, Feyre and Lucien did literally everything that they possibly could in order to try to support Tamlin, and much of that was to their own detriment. In trying to support Tamlin, they got emotional and physical abuse in return. So no, fuck that. Being supportive does not mean we have to put up with abuse.

Being biased in Feyre's favor:

We are not biased by Feyre's POV in the sense that she is trying to mislead the reader, but we are limited by her POV because she doesn't know everything. She tells us the truth as she knows it. That is very different from a narrator who is intentionally trying to hide things or lie or mislead.

But even if we were biased by Feyre's POV, so fucking what??? Is it so wrong to take the side of a victim of abuse? Why do we need to try so hard to understand Tamlin's side? People can do that, of course, I have myself, especially later on in the story. In acofas I started to feel sorry for him. I've been mad at how Rhys treated him in acofas. But the idea of being biased in Feyre's favor means that we would have to question her, in some way, when she recounts the story of her abuse. That's disgusting, to me. What reason do we have to think she isn't telling her story truthfully?

We might naturally have more empathy towards Feyre because we heard the story from her POV, but again - why is that a bad thing? To hear a story from the victim of abuse and feel empathy for them??? Call me crazy but that's not a problem. I'm going to empathize with Feyre, and I'm going to believe Mor (and Rhys, and Lucien). The end.

A final word

Just something you said in the last paragraph struck me, in regards to Azriel's view of women and how the IC treats Nesta: those are not thing to criticize in sjm's writing, I think. Just because Tamlin is abusive doesn't mean that sjm shouldn't have written him that way, ya know? If there are inconsistencies in characterization or a lack of understanding of abusive dynamics or alcohol abuse or something like that, those are things we can criticize in her writing. But characters do uncomfy things, that's supposed to happen.

What I'm trying to say is that there is a difference between criticizing a character's actions, and criticizing the way they have been written. Pretty much everything above falls under the realm of "analyzing a character or story", not criticizing the author.

[darklingichor]

Project Hail Mary by Andy Weir **MAJOR SPOILERS**

So, this is a first, I've never written a revisit this fast.

I do often read or listen to an especially good book, again, right after I finish it. Usually because I can't get into another book until I do.

I did it with Lamb, and I did it with the Martian.

This one is going to be chock full of spoilers, I really want to analyze the main characters in this book, and I can't do that without going into details. This is why I marked the hell out of this.

Project Hail Mary is even better the second time around. This is often the case. Books are like soup. The leftovers from the fridge are often even better than when you had it the first time.

*SPOILERS* *SERIOUSLY SPOILERS TURN BACK NOW IF YOU HAVEN’T READ THIS BOOK* *SPOILERS* *THE REST OF THIS RAMBLE WILL RUIN THE BOOK* *SPOILERS*

Okay, so run down.

The book opens with our main character waking up to an annoying computer asking him basic math questions. This is detecting cognitive function, that's my guess anyway.

Our character quickly discovers a few things. First, he's in a room with robot arms tending to him, including unhooking him from various life support systems as it figures out that he is awake and functioning. He's not alone in the room, there are two others, but they are long dead. And he has no idea, who he is, where he is, or why he's there.

What follows for a little while is what I would call a psychological screwball comedy. It takes him several days to work out that his name is Ryland Grace and he is a microbiologist PhD who had a falling out with the academic community and found his calling as a Jr. High science teacher. Though exploration, experiments, and memory flashes, he works out that he is on a spaceship, the corpses were his crewmates, and he is on a mission to Tau Ceti to save earth from an alien algae like creature, called Astropgage, that is dimming the sun and setting earth on the course to an ice age that will begin to wipe out humanity in 30 years. Tau Ceti, which is 12 light years away from earth, is resistant to this energy sucking algae.

We get all the backstory of how he became a crew member aboard the ship Hail Mary, in flashbacks as his memories return. A big memory that returns? Project Hail Mary is a suicide mission, he will not be going home.

In the meantime, he is slowly trying to figure out how to save earth, while he does this, he sees a very weird spaceship and meets an intelligent alien being. This being (Grace calls him Rocky) comes from a world (Earid) that is in the same situation as Earth. Together, Grace and Rocky have to work out how to save both of their home worlds.

Ryland Grace is a complex character, he’s very very different from Mark Watney (I haven't read Artimis so I can't make comparisons to those characters).

The Martian points out that Astronauts are inherently noble, willing to risk their lives for science and a good cause.

Grace is not an astronaut. That's not to say that he isn't a good person, just that he is an average person. He can be all at once self-sacrificing and selfish.

Early on he is drafted into the research team on what would be called Astropgage as a science expert by Eva Strat, a woman in charge of figuring out what is going on and how to stop it.

Once he was released from his part in this research, he goes back to teaching, only to be struck by the fact that his students would be in their early forties when all hell breaks loose, and that they might die. He then goes back to Strat and demands to be part of the research again.

This back and forth happens a few times in the story. In fact, it becomes a big part of it. See, the crew of the Hail Mary were put into comas to ensure that they would not go nuts and kill each other on the 12 light-year (four years from their perspective) journey, a medical company discovered that 1 in 7000 people have the genes to survive long comas and still function when they wake up. Grace is one of those people, but he is not volunteering for this mission. It's not that he doesn't care, or even that he doesn't want to help, it's that he's scared. And who wouldn't be? But honestly? I think Grace has imposture syndrome and is generally very sensitive. He realized that his kids would suffer, after starting to teach a class, that speed him to become a part of Strat's team again. Events happen that lead him to being the only logical candidate for the science expert aboard the Hail Mary. He refused, Strat basically kidnaps him, sets the computer induce amnesia in only Grace and plunks him on board.

Before she does this, she harshly calls Grace out.

“Do you think I don’t know you, Dr. Grace?!” she yelled. “You’re a coward and you always have been. You abandoned a promising scientific career because people didn’t like a paper you wrote. You retreated to the safety of children who worship you for being the cool teacher. You don’t have a romantic partner in your life because that would mean you might suffer heartbreak. You avoid risk like the plague.” (pg. 392 Kindle Edition)

This all seems to be true, but we don't know Grace's full story. Other than a mention of one girlfriend in college, and brief mentions of friends, There is nothing in the book about his life before he started teaching. This could be because the amnesia has left those things fuzzy, but in my head, it's because he doesn't want to think about it. Maybe he had a bad family life, maybe he had *no* family life, maybe he had an early tragedy. Maybe he realized his short comings and that, no matter his talent, he just didn't have the temperament for acidemia.

He does like being the cool teacher, he does say he likes being looked up to, but this isn't necessarily a bad thing. He's a *good* teacher.

I had cool teachers before I switched to home school. They weren't all good. I had one that would literally just let us mess around during class because they didn't want to actually grade papers. Cool to a kid? Absolutely! Good for education? Not on your life.

Grace isn't like that, he loves science, he loves teaching, and the kids are learning.

He doesn't like animal testing, he's emotional at the fragility of humanity. In short, in his quiet way he loves life.

He leaves his comfort zone to be a part of Strat's team because he knows he's good at what he does and he couldn't look at his students and knowing they could die when he could help prevent it. That doesn't mean he thinks he will be Earth's savior, just that he can help.

He's unwilling to die.

Usually in books and movies, this translates to coward, but really? It's not. Most people wouldn't volunteer for a suicide mission, especially one this pressure filled. "So, we need you to go into a coma, go to a different solar system, save your whole species, and then kill yourselves so you won't starve to death. We good? Cool."

You can't fault a living being for wanting to live. Plus, the other crew members had time to think it through, really decide, make peace with the decision and *then* carry through with the training. Grace? He was given the training, but Strat always said it was for the science of the mission. She was a little like Dumbledore, in that she was training him in case he had to go, but never told him it was a possibility. When it became clear that he was the choice for the vacant spot, he was given less than five hours to decide, and then was told he had no choice.

He makes noble choices throughout the book, but that one choice was not his own, because Strat was given absolute power and used it absolutely.

I can't say that Strat is a villain, either. She was elected to save earth and given the power to cut through any red tape. Handed all this authority, she doesn't become corrupt, she uses this power ruthlessly, but always with the only goal being Save Earth, full stop, that's it. And even as Grace, understandably terrified, yells at her she tells him that she likes him, that she knows that he is a good man, that he will give this  his all. She doesn't *want* to send this unwilling and scared man on a suicide mission. She *has* to. Strat is also complex, she is not nonsense and is committed to her role in saving humanity. I like the reason she gives as to why, toward the end of the book. She got her undergrad degree in history. She takes to heart the old saying that those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it.

The climate scientists and their models assumed survival based on the idea that all countries will work together for the common goal. However, Strat points out that history shows that that ideal scenario, is not likely to work. She says that most wars, up until very recently, were fought over food, and resulting in famine.  As the sun loses energy and crops fail, there will be wars, and they will be over food. And that is what she is desperately trying to avoid – the horror of history brought to the modern day.

I started as a history major, and history is interwoven into anthropology – I understand this perspective.

I am not going to get into politics, but I’ve experienced the agonizing frustration of watching history repeat itself, more than once in the last couple of years. Guessing at how something will probably go due to how something lines up with a similar event in the past and knowing that if someone in power would just listen it might turn out different, or that the eventual problems could at least be prepared for, and watch it happen anyway and everyone act surprised. It’s enough to make you pull your hair out.

Strat has the knowledge and the authority to act on it, I can’t say, that in her position I wouldn’t act the same way.

That is the major difference between Grace and Strat: viewpoint. By necessity of her position and by virtue of her education, she sees the big picture clearly, Grace, however, doesn’t. He’s a microbiologist, his entire career and education is looking closely at the small things and how they would translate to big things. He studies the universe by studying the smallest things in it. It is no surprise that he would need the smaller things to make the bigger things to snap into focus. When he was forced to start research on astrophage, it wasn’t until he was faced with the small scale (his kids could suffer) to make him see his part in the grand scheme of things. Strat is right, he does avoid risk, because he’s avoiding pain, he doesn’t let things in because he feels too much. Yes, the realization about the kids, puts steel in his spine, but not before he narrowly avoids a break down. For Grace, seeing Strat’s point of view, without being able to work it though to his scale, is like yelling at someone standing too close to a mountain for not being able to see the peak. It just can’t be done from where they are.

It makes me wonder, had Strat been up front with Grace, would he have willingly gone? It takes him a while to come around to the idea of helping the project in the first place. If he were told sooner, given some time, had been able to go home, and think, I feel like he would have gone. Something would have set him on the course. Maybe it would have been one of his former students, telling him about their plans for trying out for high school track, or going to college,  maybe he would have gone to his usual cafe for breakfast and found out that one of the waitresses had just gotten engaged, maybe he would be told these things and see the fear and desperate need to keep life as normal as possible in the person's eyes, and then he would decide, if, on the off chance  no one else could go, he would. Until he remembers his refusal, nearly at the end of the book, he accepts quickly that he volunteered for the mission. Of course, that could have been simply because he couldn't imagine someone forcing someone into something like that, but even as his memories and sense of self come back to him, he doesn't have a sense of terror or blind panic at the fact that he's not going home. I would think that if his unwillingness were something hard wired into his personality, he would know soon after remembering who he is, that he would have never considered being a part of the voyage.

So, I think, had Strat told Grace early on that he had the coma resistant genes and that there was a small possibility that he may have to be the backup for the backup, and then allowed him to come to terms with it, he would have gone without the drama. Don’t get me wrong, there is the possibility that he would have run off and had to have been hunted down, but I think, just like when he went to his class and saw his students, something would have made his conscious kick in, and he would have come back.

That might have been interesting, him running scared for a little while and then coming back? Might have given a little more background into why he is the way he is. But that’s not really what this book is about, I think it’s a forgone about conclusion that Grace would have helped, but what’s really interesting is how Grace and Rocky work together.

Rocky is cool! I love that Weir didn’t go the easy route with the creation of an alien character. Rocky is no Roswell gray with a humanoid form. No no, for our sympathetic alien, we have a spider like creature with liquid mercury for blood who “sees” with echolocation and speaks in musical notes. And it works!!

Rocky is expressive and funny and is great with Grace. It’s hilarious, other than the Russian scientist on Project Hail Mary, he doesn’t get along with anyone as well as he does with Rocky, out of everyone in the book, Grace connects most with a spider shaped rock being, he has to make a computer program to speak with.

Rocky is a tad steadier than Grace, but that makes sense simply because of the two, Rocky knew what he was getting into, and Eridens not only have more time before their star dims to the point of causing a problem, but also, they live a long long time, so, Rocky knows he is going home. But the steadiness is also built into his personality. He and Grace are both analytical problem solvers, but seeing that Rocky is an engineer, his focus is to fix things. A problem arises, and his first reaction is “I will fix that.” He won’t be dissuaded until he has all avenues exhausted.

Grace has a habit, early on, of moping for a little while before rallying and getting to work. His interaction with Rocky brings that pouting time down a bit, and he even pulls Rocky out of a slump a time or two.

The relationship between these two is interesting because Grace says flat out that he is not a social person, he feels awkward in groups with people. But he easily communicates with his students, and he easily communicates with Rocky. Rocky is not childlike, but he does have something in common with the students, Grace, like any teacher, teaches his students, and learns from them. Grace teaches Rocky and learns from him. Grace is comfortable with this sort of interaction; with his students this is where the relationship stops. With Rocky, it doesn’t have that boundary. By virtue of the fact that both are alone in space and crave interaction, they talk a lot. Also, activities that Grace is use to doing alone, Rocky’s culture requires to be done in pairs. The biggest: Sleeping.

Eridens do not sleep without another person watching them. So, he insists that he watch Grace sleep and that Grace watches him. It is not expressly said what other things Eridens don’t do alone, but it is implied (at least to me) that they work better in pairs or in groups. This is true of humans as well, but Grace in particular is a loner, even as he complains that science doesn’t happen with one scientist doing the work (and he’s right) but he does work alone even when the astrophage project opened up to more people, the feeling I get is that he still does most of his work alone unless asked to teach others, or forced to come along by Strat.

Grace quickly becomes acclimated to Rocky’s way of doing things, in an odd way, Grace is more comfortable being Eriden, than he is being human. And I really think that this is the crux of their relationship.

I read somewhere recently that family isn’t necessarily blood, but who you would bleed for.

I feel that Rocky and Grace would sacrifice themselves for their respective home worlds, but they will bleed for each other. Grace must go to a different star system to find family, which is actually really cool to me, because the story manages to have Grace have a story of growth and even a quiet redemption arc all with the background noise of a potential double Armageddon, and we manage not to lose sight of any of these elements. Add to this that the book will make you laugh, cry and think all at once. I love the Martian, but I honestly think this one is better!

[along-came-atsushi]

Fyodor’s Ability

This is probably the umpteenth theory written about Fyodor’s ability in this fandom. But I wanted to express my own thoughts I had in mind since reading/watching the story.

I’m curious which things in this theory will turn out to be wrong or right, when his ability gets revealed in the future.

[Beware: Some spoilers starting from chapter 77]

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What we know so far:

1.)  People are not able to protect themselves from Fyodor’s ability via clothing:

-> His ability relies on the fact that he has to touch his victims, but it doesn’t matter if it’s the bare skin or clothing.

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2.)  He’s able to change or remove certain emotions from people’s brains:

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3.) Therefore, his ability seemingly has something to do with his victim’s brain, as they all die due to their heads exploding and the fact that he’s even able to alter/remove people’s emotions.

Things that are pretty unclear until now is whether Fyodor is able to control his ability or not, and which factor serves as trigger.

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Possibilities:

1.) Fyodor is fully able to control his ability -> just like Akutagawa can control Rashomon.

2.) Fyodor is not able to control his ability and his ability reacts to any person he touches -> just like Dazai and his ability.

3.) Fyodor is not able to control his ability and his ability reacts on its own, but only in a certain situation -> The same problem Atsushi faced with his ability before joining the ADA. Another example is Yosano not having control over her ability when she gets heavily injured, or Odasaku’s ability activating whenever he’s in danger.

4.) Fyodor is able to control his ability, but his ability is still dependent on a certain situation in order to activate -> kinda like Kunikida can use Doppo Poet whenever he wants, but he needs his notebook for that. Chuuya can decide whenever he uses Corruption, but has no control over himself after that.

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The confrontation with Ace:

- If we consider Possibility 1 (Fyodor being fully able to control his ability) then some things during the scene with Ace don’t make sense:

It’s weird that Fyodor needed to trick Ace into committing suicide. If he has full control over his ability, then he could’ve just simply touched Ace and the problem would’ve been finished. They were even completely alone in the room for a while and just sitting inches away from each other. Yet, Fyodor did not, for some reason, decide to touch Ace and kill him that way.

The reason for this could be simply because Fyodor loves to torture people by manipulating them and he did just that with Ace. But the whole set-up of playing that card game with him, telling Ace’s subordinate Karma something false about his ability, just for Ace to think that his ability has a different power, and then waiting for Ace to go nuts and commit suicide… a little bit too much work compared to a simple and quick touch.

Therefore, I doubt that it was just this reason alone. And Ace isn’t on the intellectual level that Dazai is, so that Fyodor would’ve enjoyed a “challenge” in outdoing him in his scheming.

It’s also different what he later does with the children. He needed to use those children in order to break Kunikida and impede the ADA.

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- If we consider Possibility 2 (Fyodor is not able to control his ability and his ability reacts to any person he touches), then the scene with Karma doesn’t make sense:

-> Karma was able to touch Fyodor, but didn’t die back then. And as we know by now, people aren’t able to protect themselves from Fyodor’s ability via clothing.

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With this there still remains Possibility 3 (Fyodor is not able to control his ability and his ability reacts on its own, but only in a certain situation) and Possibility 4 (Fyodor is able to control his ability, but his ability is still dependent on a certain situation in order to activate). Which brings us to the question:

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Which factor triggers Fyodor’s ability?

What the name ‘Crime and Punishment’ could mean:

“Have you never wondered why my special ability doesn’t leave me in this fog? I am crime. I am punishment. Did you know? Crime and punishment are close friends. Borders vanish. Rooms awaken.”

“Crime and punishment are close friends.”

-> His ability could have something to do with guilt, since guilt is the worst punishment you can feel for your own crime.

Fyodor is well aware that the things he does are considered crimes, and despite his outer behaviour he feels guilty for the things he does or thinks he has to do.

The difference is that he believes he does it for the greater good and for humanity’s sake.

(And look at his face, he’s not exactly delighted about killing children.)

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If his ability is based around guilt, then his victims also need to feel this certain emotion in order for Fyodor to use it. Or in other words, his ability gets triggered by this certain emotion. Considering the above where it’s explained that Fyodor must have some kind of semi-control over his ability (due to the whole Karma situation), then this means it belongs to Possibility 4 (Fyodor is able to control his ability, but his ability is still dependent on a certain situation in order to activate).

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Having this theory in mind, then his confrontation with Ace has another meaning, other than Fyodor simply having fun with his mind games:

Ace does have zero regard for his subordinates, treating them like mere tools, literally calling them slaves. All this gets emphasized by his ability alone, that allows him to turn the life of a human (“trash” from Ace’s POV) into diamonds.

And Ace tells this Fyodor right off the bait, meaning with this information Fyodor knew that Ace didn’t feel any guilt about his actions (his crimes) and for his subordinates at all. If Ace doesn’t feel any guilt at all, from which Fyodor’s ability might be dependent on, then he wouldn’t be able to use it against him. Therefore, Fyodor couldn’t kill him by touching him, and needed to trick him.

Other possible hints for his ability being based on guilt are these:

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Karma’s death:

-> Even though he had no power whatsoever over his upbringing and was sold as a slave since childhood, Karma still felt guilty for the things he had been doing since (or was forced to do), calling himself a bad person and seeing himself as unworthy of any help. Something which he personally revealed to Fyodor.

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Ivan:

-> We don’t know what Fyodor’s “Happiness to the World” looks like. But Ivan must have had some kind of epiphany when Fyodor “removed the part of his brain that feels unhappiness”. Assuming that Fyodor is only able to remove the part of the brain that feels guilt, to which Ivan refers to as unhappiness, then people would indeed feel happier about their lives.

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Nikolai:

-> Another character with a connection to Fyodor who mentions things like “emotions”, “freedom”, and “guilt”. Nikolai claims that Fyodor is the only one who truly understands him, so much that he even considers him a friend. Which means that Fyodor must’ve experienced something in his past similar to Nikolai and/or that he has the same notion as Nikolai (killing innocents for the greater good, living with the guilt of murder).

[Side note: Since Nikolai is planning to kill Fyodor now, Fyodor in return could be the one to actually kill Nikolai once and for all, simply confronting him with his guilt. Which would mean that in the end Nikolai would get his freedom by dying through Fyodor’s hands, freeing him from his emotions towards Fyodor and his guilt.]

[[Side side note: Even though I don’t want this to happen and hope it doesn’t end this way, because Nikolai is one of my fav characters. And he just respawned, it wouldn’t be fair, man! Everything… everything but the clown!]]

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Why does Fyodor want to become God? His (possible) origin:

[Please keep in mind that the following is just mere speculation and just an example of what could’ve happened!]

Fyodor sees ability users as sinners and wants to rid the world of them. From his ideology this makes him a sinner too, because he himself is an ability user.

And maybe that is the reason why he so vehemently pursues this goal. Because he himself feels guilt for something he has done in the past.

An example for this would be:

Maybe someone close to him (his father or mother) accidentally killed someone (maybe through a car accident). And because of this they felt guilt over that person’s death.

Fyodor unaware and not in control of his ability at that time wanted to comfort this person close to him (through physical contact), which then led to him killing this person by accident in return.

A trauma like this could’ve been the source for his ‘ability users are sinners’ ideology and why he wants to change the world.

[sou-ver-2-0]

Why calling it "logic versus emotion" makes sense

At the end of chapter 2 in Your Turn To Die, the player is forced to choose between killing Sou or Kanna. Kanna frames this as a choice between "logic" and "emotion," where saving Sou is the "logical" choice and saving Kanna is the "emotional" choice. 

Personally, I love the writing in this part. I think it's the strongest writing in the whole game. However, since joining the YTTD fandom, I've read various posts from fans who don't like calling this a simple choice between "logic" and "emotion." For them, it felt like an emotional choice to save Sou, while it was a logical choice to save Kanna. After seeing this argument so many times, I decided to unpack my feelings on it. I also wanted to write my own defense of why calling this a choice between "logic" and "emotion" makes sense, at least to me. For me, it all comes down to how it’s written as a choice between two opposing worldviews, and I don’t focus on the little technicalities. I’ll also argue that the game is using descriptive language, rather than prescriptive language.

But first, we have to deal with a strange irony about this choice:

For the genre-savvy player, yes, it IS "logical" to save Kanna and "emotional" to save Sou.

Before writing anything about this choice, I need to acknowledge that Sara and the Player are two different people. They're obviously connected, and they inform each other's feelings and choices, but they still exist in different worlds. Sara is actually trapped in a Death Game. The Player is vicariously experiencing what it would be like to be trapped in a Death Game through a fictional story.

I'm not going to argue that Sara necessarily likes Kanna more than she likes Sou, and thus it is more "emotional" for her to save Kanna. It's possible to play Sara as someone who isn't that affectionate of Kanna, and she can act generously towards Sou. That's not the main issue here.

The issue is that the Player expects the fictional story to go in certain directions based on the morality of their choices, while Sara has no such meta expectations. The Player can reasonably expect to be rewarded with a happy ending at the end of YTTD if they make the "correct" moral choices. Saving Kanna feels like the "morally correct" choice on a gut level because she's a child, while Sou is an adult. So the Player may choose to save Kanna purely for logical reasons. They're not trying to be selfless or wise; they just want a reward from a videogame. And...they're not wrong! Immediately after saving Kanna, the player is rewarded with a cathartic scene with Joe, cluing us in to the idea that choosing Kanna is the "good path." 

Meanwhile, if the Player saves Sou, they're saving him in spite of knowing that this could logically lead to a "dark path." You might save Sou because he's a fascinating character, or because you're curious what will happen, or simply because you think he's cute. These are all emotional reasons. Maybe you don't expect any "happy" rewards if you save Sou, but you still expect the story to be exciting with him around.  

Speaking for myself, I want to see both the Kanna and Sou routes for reasons that are both emotional and logical. I sympathize with both characters, and I want to analyze them as they continue their arcs. I just think they're great characters connected to fascinating themes about humanity.

In other words, the Player is going to have all sorts of feelings about this choice based on the safety of their separation from the Death Game. It's only a videogame to us. We're not actually killing a child or a young man. We still feel sad about the story, but it's a safe sadness, one we can control. You can make your choice based on which type of tragedy is more interesting to you in the moment.

So that's how the Player experiences the choice, but what about Sara? Does it still make sense to call it a decision between "logic" and "emotion" for her? I would argue, "yes." First of all...

"Logic" and "emotion" are descriptive terms for the argument styles of Kanna and Sou, respectively. 

Using "descriptive" terminology means that we attempt to classify language as it is actually being used. Using "prescriptive" terminology means that we dictate how we should be using language.

When Kanna calls this a choice between logic and emotion, you might have thought she was being prescriptive. You might have thought something like, "You can't tell me how I should feel about this." But I think Kanna was simply being descriptive of the language she and Sou were using. It's a fair assessment of their opposing argument styles.

Kanna argues that you should vote for her by appealing to your sense of logic. She eloquently makes the case that Sou has proven himself invaluable to the team with his computer hacking skills. He came extremely close to finding an escape route just before the second Main Game began. With more time, he could find another one. If he dies, there is no one else in their party with his valuable skill set. She also effectively weaponizes her own helplessness by arguing that she is a "useless" child. She states that dying for the greater good "is the only thing she can do." What I love about Kanna's argument is how she twists Sou's own words against him, since Sou has been using coldhearted logical arguments since the beginning. She shows how much she's learned from him, and she's even able to outsmart him.

Sou argues that you should vote for him by appealing to your emotions. He furiously makes the case that he is the most hated member of the team and that you should give into your hatred of him. He says that the choice ought to be obvious based on your feelings. He calls Kanna stupid. He keeps shouting "Stop!" and "No!" He waves his arms in despair. He resorts to threats and exclaims that he will never forgive anyone who votes for Kanna. Sou's argument is compelling because we have never seen him so vulnerable before. Even with his strong will to live, he has an even more desperate will to save the little girl he's grown to care for. It's devastating to watch such a man break down. After losing his previous eloquence, he is forced to bare his soul and pray that that is enough.

However, even with all that in mind, you could still argue on a technicality that some of Kanna's statements are emotional while some of Sou's statements are logical. For example, when Kanna says that she is useless, this reflects her emotional state since she has low self-esteem. And when Sou starts threatening people, it's logical to take his threats seriously. 

But there's something deeper at work here than technicalities. There's still something at the core of their arguments that makes the choice to save Sou "logical" and Kanna "emotional."

At its core, this debate is about how to measure a human life's worth. Do you measure a human life based on how "useful" they are? Or do you recognize a person's worth based on their humanity alone? 

This is a choice between two worldviews, which the story calls "logical" and "emotional." 

In the logical worldview, you prioritize a person's usefulness over their humanity for the greater good. Also, you must be willing to use people like tools for the greater good.

In the emotional worldview, you refuse to reject anyone's humanity, even if it threatens the greater good. Also, you must accept that some moral causes are more important than survival. 

If you vote to save Sou, then Sara prioritizes the greater good; theoretically, the group can use Sou to escape. But being willing to use Sou this way rejects Sou's humanity, because we would be using his talents against his will. For Sou, escape is not worth the cost of Kanna's life. Sara also rejects her own humanity by treating both Sou and Kanna as objects instead of people. Kanna is discarded as a useless object, while Sou is kept as a potentially useful one. This is why Sara guiltily calls this "the worst possible choice" when she makes it. And it's why Sou seems to care more about revenge than survival in this route; there is no meaning in a world where we must sacrifice children.

If you vote to save Kanna, Sara does so knowing it may be harder for the group to escape without Sou's skills. But she embraces Sou's humanity by allowing him to follow his heart. She also strengthens her own humanity by refusing to cross a moral line. This is why Sou actually keeps his will to live in this route and mounts a desperate escape before his death. Because there's still meaning in a world where Kanna is allowed to live. He still dies, but with peace and purpose, and having repaid Sara for freeing his true heart.

In any case, you may still disagree with the semantics of "logic" and "emotion" to describe these worldviews, though they work for me personally. I have one more point to address.

Is it really logical to save someone who threatens you?

At this point, I'd like to talk about the most logical member of the group, the character who immediately votes to kill Kanna: Keiji Shinogi.

You, the Player, may believe that Sou will get his revenge if he lives, because it would make a compelling story. And Sara, a high-school student, may be reasonably afraid of Sou's threats, because Sou has tried to hurt her before. Even though the text doesn't portray Sara as being afraid of Sou in this moment, I understand why the Player would fear for Sara's life. In other words, a logical reason to kill Sou is because you don't believe you can control him. How do you force an adult man to behave?

Enter Keiji Shinogi, who doesn't hesitate. Keiji is stronger than Sou, and he's wicked smart. He's confident in his own abilities. And he understands vengeance better than anyone. He doesn't underestimate Sou, who has outwitted him before, but he decides to accept the risk. Like Sou, Keiji has a ruthless will. I believe that one reason Keiji voted first was because he wanted to assure everyone that "your friendly policeman" would keep Sou in line. So even though Sara doesn't act afraid of Sou in this moment, Keiji is there to calm any hypothetical fears the Player has. 

And Keiji commits to this role! In the beginning of Chapter 3, in the route where Kanna dies, the first thing Sou does is disturb the group peace. He puts on his "tough" mask and pretends that he never really cared about Kanna. In response, as everyone else is fidgeting nervously, Keiji laughs and calls out Sou on his bullshit. He eviscerates Sou emotionally, effectively putting Sou in his place and forcing him to be submissive, for now. It's Keiji's way of reminding Sou that they already know how weak he is, and Sou isn't going to get away with any tricks under Keiji's watch. Even if Sou's only "trick" in this case is to pretend he has any pride left.

From a storytelling perspective, I'm sure that these two will keep playing their power games, and Sou is likely to regain the upper-hand eventually. But from an in-universe perspective, Keiji looks like he knows exactly what he's doing in this scene, and Sou looks like a fool who better do what he's told. That is, if he doesn't want Keiji to skewer his heart in front of everyone again.

So where am I going with this?

My most generous interpretation of Keiji's vote is that he decided that Sou's life had value inasmuch as he could use Sou. After all, it's not like Keiji spared Sou out of compassion. Keiji just said that he hated Sou more than anyone he's ever known--and Keiji already killed someone else he hated. The harsher interpretation of Keiji's vote is that he fully expects Sou to die later due to his zero percent survival rate, which would make Kanna's presence technically more of a "threat" to Keiji's own survival. However, I prefer to think that Keiji was swayed by Kanna's brilliant defense of Sou's usefulness. That's because Keiji isn't a simple monster; he's a complex man who still wants to "serve and protect" the group...in his own way.

To follow in Keiji's footsteps and vote with "logic" means that Sara decides to trust Keiji's judgment. We know that Keiji is one of the smartest and strongest characters, in addition to being Sara's reliable ally. This is why I think it's still "logical" for Sara to save Sou in spite of his threats. Because Keiji is still there. 

Conclusion

That's why framing the choice as one between "logic" and "emotion" works for me. I see it as a choice between two worldviews, one in which people are valued for their usefulness, and the other in which people are valued for their humanity. 

I understand that the Player is going to have their own thoughts and feelings about this choice. Believe me, I was heartbroken too! I really wanted Sou to redeem himself and live. And I think Sara even feels the same way, since she pleads "Don't kill our ally!" when Safalin threatens Sou. It's still possible that Sou could redeem himself in the route where he lives, but I imagine it will be more important that the Player faces consequences for killing Kanna. But no matter what happens in Chapter 3, it doesn't change the fact that it looked possible in Chapter 2 for Sou's skillset to save everyone, and everyone was operating under that mindset.

I think that the writing in this game is stellar so I wanted to defend the story's framing. It surprised me to see folks who had reacted to it differently, but that's all part of the fun. It got me thinking about how interesting it is that the Player and Sara view things differently. It also got me thinking that what seems like a logical choice in the moment could feel like the wrong decision in hindsight.

Thanks for reading!

[the-writers-bookshelf]

I saw your post about having times of dormancy, and I've been doing that for months. It's really helped me to feel better. Issue is I don't know how to get back into a schedule, especially working from home where it just makes me feel wrong to have my desk be the same spot I have to work and be creative with nowhere else to go. I was wondering if you had on any tips for getting back up from those times? Thanks <3

Hi darling anon! This is an EXCELLENT question and I'm sure other people have been experiencing the same frustration.

There are a variety of options you can test to see which one works for your comfort level, energy, and mental health.

1. Allow yourself to remain dormant for as long as you need to

Don't worry about setting a schedule if you still feel tired or burned out or just barely getting by on the basics.

The writing community loves to tout schedules. Many authors use them. But some don't. And it's really, really okay if you do not have a schedule if that doesn't work for you.

Even if you want one. Even if you feel guilty for not having one.

It's okay to write when you're ready.

What if that means you only write one day out of two weeks?

That's better than nothing! :)

2. Experiment with your settings

You mentioned that you have nowhere else to go. Can you write literally anywhere else in your living arrangement?

A scrap of floor clear enough to sit on.

The kitchen table.

The bathtub (I'm spitballing here, but hey, if it works, it works!)

3. Take the pressure off yourself to "perform"

Setting a schedule might make you feel like you HAVE to get your creative stuff done in THIS ALLOTTED TIME RIGHT NOW.

Talk about pressure!

Instead, think of your writing time as a treat to yourself. Whether it's at the beginning or the end of your work day, let yourself play.

Experiment with what feels good.

Do you just want to doodle random scenes? Go for it!

Do you want to edit a few sentences? Dive right in!

Do you want to freewrite by hand? Do it!

Give yourself a chance to relax with your writing rather than Getting Something Done.

4. Your writing style/schedule might have changed

The world has been through a massive change on a global scale. Literally everyone on the planet has been affected by Covid-19.

And your writing might have changed, too. Maybe you used to thrive with a strict schedule but now you despise the slightest hint of regulation when it comes to your writing (even though the logical part of your brain still shakes its fist and demands, "You should have a schedule!")

Try writing without a schedule on purpose and see what happens!

5. Above all: be gentle with yourself

I'm a big advocate for being gentle with yourself. It might seem like you should be more strict with yourself to reach your goals. But there's also a need for gentleness in this world. Gentleness and patience gives you MUCH more mileage when it comes to motivation and energy.

A personal note below: (optional reading)

I didn't write anything for the entire year of 2020. I kept a journal, but I didn't touch anything else. I've only written one short story this year (in January) and edited/rewritten a handful of chapters in my WIP (a handful being: maybe 2).

For someone who used to write 6k in a day easy-peasy? That's rough to admit.

For over a year and a half, I have not been in a headspace to write, no matter how many schedules I tried to stick to. Whether it was 1,000 words daily or simply 100 words, I couldn't do it.

I was stressed and exhausted. Constantly. I was burned out and dealing with a TON of emotional stuff (on top of Covid) that left me entirely depleted.

I was certain that I was never going to write again. I thought I'd lost my love for writing because I had 0 ideas. I couldn't even put a sentence together. Nothing. And I hated it. It was driving me CRAZY.

Earlier this month, I quit my job, which had been putting considerable strain on my mental health (after one particularly stressful day, I slept for 14 hours straight).

I started another job that is supportive, positive, and offers a healthy work/life balance. I'm in a better work environment. I monitor/limit my stressors wherever possible (i.e. social media, the news) to make sure I don't get overly exhausted.

I'm finally starting to feel human again instead of a zombie, stumbling around in a haze. I'm regaining my excitement for writing. I have IDEAS instead of an empty brain. But it took a year and a half and I'm still not 100%.

I'm not saying: "Quit your job! Be free! Feel the wind in your hair and rid yourself of tiresome responsibilities!"

(Wouldn't that be nice though???)

I'm saying: allow yourself to rest. And it will take time. More time than you want it to.

If you're struggling to stick to a schedule, chances are, you're just not ready for it yet. There's no shame in recognizing that. ♥

You're probably eager for your dormant period to (finally) be over with. But it's there for a reason. Your writing will get back on its feet again all by itself naturally.

Trust the process. Trust your need to rest. Trust the relationship you have with your writing and it will see you through.