#that phrase pisses me off already and its always the same type of person

[gourde]

Oh also anyone who says “We don’t deserve dogs” you just know hates kids and calls them crotch goblins

[fukurodaze]

five stars: part 3 | three words

IT’S EMBARRASSING: a third year cheerleader!reader x second year athlete!suna au

wc: 4.1k warnings: swearing

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you hate mornings. 

they feel restless and empty and full of longing to have something worth waking up to. sometimes it’s hard to even get up when your mind is full and your heart is worried.

but you do not hate suna rintarou. in fact, you’ve learnt a few new things about him.

one, he has a little sister.

two, he has a nice laugh.

three, he is only “occasionally lactose intolerant”, but not if he “tries his best”.

the things you already knew - his volleyball position, birthday, grade, home town - were never brushed up on, but somehow made their way to the forefront of your memory the more time you spent with him. you began to see him as simply ‘suna’, instead of ‘the boy you helped with physics last year’.

you wonder how you ended up spending every morning of the last two weeks with him. he seems nonchalant, almost lazy, when you see him around with his teammates: back slouched and face relaxed almost all the time. yet, when you let him walk you to class, he’s talkative. he’s eager. he’s walking slowly so you can keep up.

it’s a bit of a question for you, why he’s suddenly popped up into your life once more after waking you up on an unlucky monday morning. 

(he had told you that you had slept with your eyes wide open, and it took you some time to process everything as your chest fluttered with embarrassment.)

then again, you’re not complaining.

“if you notice over here,” suna leans into your side, pointing at the phone in your hand as the two of you walk through the school, “there’s a little cockroach at the corner of the room going out.”

“oh my god,” you laugh. the video on suna’s phone displays today’s fight between the miya twins at the gym. 

it’s your third week with him.

now, as he lets you hold his phone, the literal embodiment of all the volleyball team’s blackmail material, there comes the familiar urge of yours to steal a few glances, adjust your hair, or maybe do something absurd and see how he’d react.

it’s a strange feeling. stranger than when he walked you to your classroom once and you, in your half-awake genius, slipped him a tube of your lip balm in the open pocket of his bag in case you didn’t have an excuse to see him again.

“what were they fighting about again?”

suna shrugs, “osamu was having a bad day, and atsumu got pissed, so, naturally, osamu got pissed.”

“shit. everyone was crowding around i couldn’t even see them throwing punches,” you mutter.

“anything that the twins do usually gets a crowd, really.”

you pass the phone back to him. “yeah, the twins are crazy popular. especially with the girls. they’re like idols.”

“right,” suna pockets his phone, “you’re popular too.”

your brows are furrowed. “stop it.”

suna playfully tenses his shoulders up, hands shoved in his trouser pockets, “you’re, like, the kind of person that organises the culture festival and is like the secretary for the student council.”

“i actually am.” 

“you probably are.”

you two pause when the sentences come out at the same time, and it takes no time for the two of you to laugh it out, lightly, with snickers and giggles that you’ve never really heard from his mouth. 

“you know, i finally got to watch a movie last night,” you begin, changing the conversation.

he looks at you slowly, sweetly. “oh yeah? what did you watch?”

“uh, totoro...”

he stays silent, and you find his head tilted and his eyebrows raised. he looks amused. you ask him, “what?”

“solid movie.”

there is a questioning look that you give him, and you know he sees it, pupils focused to your side. he speaks again, “you like ghibli movies?”

“yeah. i think everyone does. don’t you?”

suna looks like he’s staring down the sky, thinking. he hums, and then tells you, “i don’t.” 

now he exaggerates his normally poor posture, chin tilting up to get a view of your reaction. the two of you keep walking, in an unusual silence, and you’re left watching his eyes as they stay indifferent.

“didn’t you just say totoro was a ‘solid movie’?”

the boy looks ahead, “yeah, so?”

you click your tongue, eyes narrowing, “whatever. i don’t believe you.���

suna has a satisfied smile on his face. he makes sure you don’t know it.

the two of you enter the building, even taking extra time to go to each others’ lockers. it’s only been two weeks since he had seen you laying on the bleachers, eyes embarrassingly open; two weeks since he had walked you to class the first time; two weeks since he had really started to know you.

when you reach your classroom, suspicious eye contact from classmates and the increasingly busy hallway tell you that it’s time for him to go to class, too. he sneaks in a cynical remark, and you playfully hit him on the shoulder, for the first time.

“i’m betting you and him get together by august.” your friend, honoka, chimes in as you enter the classroom. your neighbouring seat mates agree.

you’re starting to look forward to mornings.

unbeknownst to you, suna has a deadline.

the interhigh is only a week away, and so he’s told himself that he’ll do one thing before completely shutting himself out for volleyball training: asking you out on a date.

in other words, he is fed up with the volleyball team’s rendition of his “showoff mode”. he doesn’t lift his shirt up that much!

his first strategy is the straightforward, nonchalant way. he eagerly waits for you at practice.

“hey,” suna almost chirps, feeling a skip in his step.

“hey.” your squint your eyes at the unexpected energy, “are you- are you up to something?”

suna’s ears turned beet red at your statement. he couldn’t have possibly guessed that you knew what he was about to do.

a smirk crawls onto your lips. “oh, so you are up to something…”

“yeah, right. it’s nothing.”

you slap a hand on his shoulder, “hey, i get it.”

“what?”

“i mean, whatever pranks you and your friends are up to, just try not to get expelled, ‘kay?”

suna’s shoulders relax, but his eyebrows furrow, “wait, wha-”

“the volleyball team’s up to something, no?”

suna nods cautiously, not sure if he should be relieved or sad at the miscommunication.

“anyways, thanks for waiting for me after practice. i have a some paperwork to do for the student council, so you can go on ahead,” you give him a genuine smile. he always likes to see it, but it’s a little less lovely when the thought of a failed asking-out attempt is circling his mind.

“right. bye.” suna dashes off, hand fisted in his pockets. 

he tells himself it’s a work in progress.

“what the fuck am i doing making breakfast so well,” suna mutters under his breath one morning, preparing a cut of fish in the kitchen. he doesn’t even have practice this morning, and yet he’s skimmed through the entire oven manual and has found the joys of cooking fish meat. 

he even takes some of the fish and puts it in a metallic lunch box with rice to bring to school. normally, he would settle for the canteen’s average meat buns. 

“two bentos…?” he breathes. he has an idea.

it’s not long before he’s meeting you at the bus stop. he finds you sending him a small wave and an immediate groan about how your english teacher “is the definition of a nerd-bully equilibrium, what goes on.”

he laughs along with the complaints you have, even joining along with the flow of conversation. sometimes he thinks he changes a little bit when he’s around you, but he doesn’t mind. he likes talking and laughing and enjoying his time with you without worrying about what other people say.

he’ll give you a bento, maybe, he thinks, because he’s seen lots of girls give their boyfriends bentos in the past. maybe it would even give you a nod in the right direction.

right before the school’s building entrance, he stops you and takes you by the arm. it makes your heart skip a beat, but for him, all his heartbeats are centered around the lunchboxes in his bag.

“suna, why-”

your words are cut off when you see the boy eagerly rummaging through his bag, at first with a smile and then with a worried look. his hand is in his bag for a little too long.

there was only one bento.

so he gives you a beat-up ballpoint pen. 

it’s transparent, and from the outside you can see the ink tube only one-eighth full. it looks old.

“um, it’s a good luck charm... for your english test today.” suna keeps his mouth pursed and his look unfazed.

“oh.” you smile at the absurd charm. it seems questionable at first, but you try to convince yourself to trust in it. to trust in suna.

“i know, it’s kind of… beat up, and every-” it’s clear that suna is worried, for what you don’t know, but the way he hangs his head and his other hand fumbles with the strap of his backpack is enough to tell you to accept the surpising gift.

“no, i like it. even if it doesn’t work.” your hand keeps the pen in your fists. 

“it does work, by the way.”

you chuckle, “i’ll return it after class?”

suna shakes his head, “you don’t have to. if you do well you can keep it.”

you nod an okay, and he has a tiny look of satisfaction on his face. he had thought of giving you his lunch and not eating, but he decided against it when he remembered he didn’t bring any money to school that day. temporary success, fuck yeah.

(you get a ninety-two on the test. you keep the pen.)

as a last resort, suna tries through text. at least he’s proud that the two of you have been texting for two weeks straight. he still has you under “y/l/n-senpai (physics)”, and it makes him crack a small smile under his covers from time to time.

from y/l/n-senpai (physics): 2 notifications

suna slides the notification open. it’s always a pleasant surprise.

from y/l/n-senpai (physics): just watched arrietty its a ghibli movie

to y/l/n-senpai (physics): ik hv u watched howl’s moving castle

from y/l/n-senpai (physics): yes ofc

to y/l/n-senpai (physics): well. i havent

suna runs out of words to type. he’s not sure how to phrase it...

still, by the way that you’re typing, it seemed like he hasn’t messed it up. he rolls around to the other side of his bed.

from y/l/n-senpai (physics): then go watch it… (READ)

to y/l/n-senpai (physics): let’s watch together|

to y/l/n-senpai (physics): let’s watch tog|

to y/l/n-senpai (physics): let’s|

to y/l/n-senpai (physics): let’s go on a da|

suna sighs, thumb pressing the delete button like there’s no tomorrow.

except his thumbs are big. and phone keys are small. and his train of thought has jumbled up past usual cognition.

to y/l/n-senpai (physics): lets go, toge (SENT)

suna starts to stare down the volleyball in the corner of his room, wishing it would explode on command, when another ping lights up his phone.

from y/l/n-senpai (physics): 1 notification

he makes the slowest visit to his contacts to change your display name on his phone. he wants to stall.

but he always gives in.

from y/n: whos toge? (READ)

“fuck,” he grunts, burying his head into his pillow.

out of sheer shame and fatigue of asking-out attempts, suna doesn’t see you in the morning that monday nor text you for the rest of the weekend, having left you on read every time you sent a message. he thinks that if he reverted back to the time when the only interactions with you were stray thoughts in his mind, life would go on and this too would pass. 

it’s not like you would care, right? he would tell himself.

but suna seemed to forget that you were on the cheerleading team, and that the cheerleading team shares the gym with the volleyball club on mondays and fridays, not tuesdays and thursdays like he had very cleverly remembered.

“suna!”

you call out to him that afternoon. you have your cheerleader uniform on, having received them just today, and make sure to catch him while he’s on break.

big mistake.

you knew the volleyball team was tall, but you never really expected them to be slightly off-putting, too. it seemed like one call of his name made the entire team, consisting of over twenty boys, turn their heads at you simultaneously. then they looked at suna. then they smiled.

you find in your peripheral vision a wide-eyed kita, glancing back and forth once before going back to the volleyballs and game plans even during his break. 

you put on your sweetest smile, as expected of a cheerleader who’d just recently gotten her summer cheer uniform: v-neck, sleeveless top, pleated skirt, inarizaki lettering plastered across your chest in maroon and white.

he steps in front of you, eyebrow raised, “yeah?”

“can i talk to you about something?” your hands are behind your back, body weight shifting from left to right.

he nods, and as you take him out of the gym, you hear the volleyball team cheer and a certain miya twin shout, “fuckin’ suna!”

“fuck off, atsumu!” suna voices.

outside, your smile falters. you lean against the wall of the gym.

“did i do something wrong?” you say it softly, but firmly. you see his shoulders tense up, just slightly.

“um, no?”

you squint your eyes suspiciously, “but you’ve been ignoring my texts...?”

suna rolls his eyes instinctively. he regrets it when he sees a genuine frown on your face. “dunno,” he says.

your frown persists, and you start to bite on the inside of your mouth. “well, the last thing you texted me was, uh, ‘let’s go toge’. i’m so sorry if i missed something, or if it made you feel bad, so-”

“no, don’t be sorry,” he has his hands on his hips, “i never meant to send that.”

“what do you mean?”

“it was supposed to mean something else,” he looks down, scuffing his shoes against the brick floor.

“oh, was that message not meant for me? and who’s toge? sorry if i’m-”

suna gathers himself. he opens his mouth. he says eight words.

“i meant to ask you, ‘let’s go together’.”

the conversation comes to a halt. his words ring ambiguously in your ear, and it flusters you when the first thing that comes to mind is a date with the boy. you try to shake it off.

“like- like what do you mean?” you feel sorry for having him repeat the phrase twice.

suna shrugs, “i chickened out.”

“dude, you’re not making any sense.”

there’s a sharp pang in suna’s chest, and he visibly grimaces. “did you just call me dude?”

“maybe.”

“ouch.”

“wait, so what do you mean!” your arms flail around a little too dramatically for someone as tired as you.

suna contemplates whether or not to tell you that he wanted to ask you out. by the way you’d just called him dude, he wonders if you’d rather him give you a fist bump and tell you ‘nice toss!’ instead of hold your hand and take you out on a date.

so he counts his stars and he goes for the leap.

“actually, i wanted to ask if you wanted to watch a movie together.”

you back up into the wall at his words. there’s a heat that crawls through your body and beats through your heart.

“is that what let’s go toge meant?”

he nods, shoulders relaxing, arms to his side, “let’s go, together. like- like a date.”

his words take you by surprise. still, you’re nothing but glad.

“yeah,” you lick your lips, “i’ll go. and i take back the ‘dude’”

“oh, really now?” his shoulders relax. 

you roll your eyes.

“so he asked you out, right?” honoka asks during a water break in pe class. you couldn’t say no.

“yeah, i’m going to his flat next wednesday.”

“why not today? friday?”

you pouted, head turning slowly, “stuco meeting. we have our cultural festival late october, remember?”

“ah.” honoka sips on her water bottle, “i won’t be here by then.”

“what date are you leaving again?” you try not to darken your tone, pouting at the idea of losing one of your dear middle school friends to distance. 

“august eighteenth. a month away.”

you begin to slouch on your bench. there are more classmates that come to your bench after hearing honoka telling you her leave date. ‘oh my god!’s and ‘i’m gonna miss you!’s fill the corner of the gym, and soon the whistle blows, signalling the end of your water break.

the rest of the day proceeds as normal, and yet there’s that familiar emptiness that seems to continue to fill up even more of your days.

it’s tiring.

suna’s flat is extremely well put, for some reason. you’d always passed him for a boy who simply didn’t care, but now you see him at his own place, grabbing his laptop from his desk one-handedly.

you’ll admit going to a boy’s place alone is an awkward concept in itself, but it seems like suna doesn’t pay no mind. he’s plugged in his laptop to a charger, set it on the table, and has sat himself down on a floor cushion.

it’s a relief that you don’t know how suna’s heart is almost threatening to beat out of his chest.

“what do you want to watch?” you’re quick to sit down on the floor next to him.

he shrugs, “maybe you can convince me to like ghibli.”

you tsk at his line, yet it eventually brings you an ear to ear smile. you reach over to the laptop, scrolling through netflix. “i guess we could start with howl’s moving castle?”

your head turns to him, and he nods, before standing up all of a sudden. you look at him questioningly, but you find him walking over to his kitchen and returning with two paper bags and two glasses of water. 

your eyes follow him as he rests the items down on the table and scoots back on the floor. he gestures the paper bag towards you, “popcorn. it’s salty, so i don’t know if you’re into that.”

“ah. thanks,” you smile, and he reaches over to the laptop, pressing play. 

you don’t expect the movie to be the first thing on your minds - the both of you knew this. though you and him had spent some time marvelling at the movie, you find that for every other time you dip your hand into your popcorn, a pair of eyes turns to glance at you. 

you two spend your time silently during the movie, however. your eyes have developed a habit of simply tracing suna’s figure with your eyes, and it comes in embarrassingly when he had looked back and found your attention on him instead of the laptop at one point.

you’re surprised, though, because he does seem to be paying attention to the movie, more or less, and you can hear his small hums of amusement and surprise as the movie progresses. you colour yourself proud.

suna doesn’t even touch his food nor his drink, having felt too nervous to do so. he wants to know how you’re doing, silently, but whenever he meets your eyes, he decides that he’d rather fix himself on the movie. he wonders if a date like this means holding your hand or even saying goodbye with a kiss hug.

when the movie ends you ask him why he hasn’t eaten his popcorn, and how you feel kind of bad about it, but he ends up telling you how good the movie actually was.

“i don’t believe that you don’t like ghibli movies.” you squint playfully.

there’s a grin that grows on suna’s resting face, “i never said that i was saying the truth, i just said that i didn’t like them.” 

he stands up, bringing the food and drinks on the table to his kitchen counter, and you follow him over. the realisation hits you then, “oh. oh.”

“in truth i haven’t really watched many of them so i don’t know, but, yeah.”

“it’s funny because i feel slightly played.”

“well, you’re here now, aren’t you?” 

you watch as suna reaches into his refrigerator for some eggs. he glances at you, and you’re sitting on his tiny dining table. 

“do you want an omelette?”

your eyebrows raise. your heart skips a beat at the thought of eating his cooking. you tell him, “sure.”

suna takes the time he’s faced away from you to think about what’s next. he knows that you have some kind of inclination towards him, having agreed to his explicit naming of this hangout a “date”. still, his mind wanders towards the timing: is it too early to properly confess? hasn’t he technically already confessed? the omelette flips and suna thanks the world for having it look like the prettiest one he’s ever made. 

this one’s for you, he thinks.

when you do take the omelette in your mouth, you sigh a little bit. it looks pretty - almost beautiful, in fact - but also seems to be half-half-cooked. 

you don’t care, though, because it still makes your stomach flutter thinking about the fact that he had made this with his own hands. and if it takes some half-half-cooked omelette to eat, then, hell, you’ll eat it.

it’s not all bad, though, since he offers you some rice along with the egg as well, and it eventually turns into a filling meal. you hadn’t had one of those in a while.

when you look over to the other side of the table, you find he’s already finished with your food, and normal chatter makes itself more comfortable in the confines of his small flat. this is how it’s supposed to be, you tell yourself, just meaningless banter and humorous talks.

you find yourself growing to know him even better.

“isn’t it funny, how, some weeks ago, i had only seen you as that ‘one guy i tutored last year’?” you say after the date as he walks you out of his apartment. he tells you he’ll be walking you home, and though you tell him no, you ride the bus, he says he has some extra money in his wallet for the month.

suna agrees, “yeah. i would’ve just carried on with my life.” suna lies through his teeth. he’s been through the volleyball team’s teasing for his obvious crush on you. hell, they’d even dubbed it suna’s “showoff mode” (ginjima calls it ‘beast mode’) whenever you were within a five meter radius of him. 

you tell him time flies fast, and he tells you it walks slowly. for you, getting to know suna rintarou has been something you finally look forward to after all your work. but for suna, getting to know you is something he savours every second of, remembering how he wants to make up for the times he used to pine over your unknowing self.

when the two of you get on the bus, you sit next to him, yawning. he wants to have an arm over your shoulder, or your head on his shoulder, but he doesn’t exactly know how.

“my house is actually a few stops from here.” you say. it’s already nine at night, and though you’ve spent over five hours at his flat, you don’t want to lose your time with him to sleepiness.

suna notices how you try to fight it, even having told him, “don’t worry, i usually sleep at two am everyday anyways. i’m not going to fall asleep.”

he tells you, “you shouldn’t be sleeping at two every night.”

“it is how it is.”

he chuckles, “i once got shouted at for sleeping at five in the morning during a training camp. they forced me not to train at all that day. it was-”

the bus comes to a stop and your head falls on his shoulder. he calls your name softly.

you’re asleep.

suna keeps still as the bus ride continues, remembering the stop you said was yours. he counts them - one, two, three, four, five stops - and with each, his breathing steadies. he feels like the luckiest boy in the world.

“what am i to you now?” suna’s head tilts back, whispered question dissolving into the atmosphere. he doesn’t expect an answer.

instead, your arm circles itself around his.

taglist: @maitenight​ @natszoo​ @ssuna​ @erens-piss-cleaner​ @osamus-onigiri​ @volleybloop​ @etherealiwa​ @agaashesmilktea​ @bicchaan​ @anngelllla​ @tycrackculture​ @sins-over-tragedy​ @tsumuluv​ @daichibrainrot​ @underratedmage​ @sunasexual @kenmei @daydreamingtetsu​ @sunareii​ @bebegi​ (if your url is bolded, it means i couldn’t tag you)

send an ask to be added to the taglist!

as always, thank you to roo @yooroomi for beta reading this series!

[seunqs]

[ a long get to know me tag ]

tagged by: losers @woosohn @yeonjuins

what day is your birthday?

27th june! it’ll be on a monday next year

what’s your favourite colour?

blue! a rather specific shade of light sky blue but i also like dark blue! might be misleading because everyone would think beige/black since that’s the aesthetic i like + almost everything i own is black...

what’s your lucky number?

i don’t have one i think but i tend to say 7 if i’m asked?

do you have any pets?

sadly no >:( will get one in the future idc idc

how tall are you?

158cm tiny i wna be abit taller

how many pairs of shoes do you own?

off my head i think 3 pairs...? just 2 black and 1 white that i rotate depending on the outfit i’m wearing

favorite song?

asdjekw i don’t think i have one specific one but recently i’ve been listening to maniac by nct doyoung & haechan!

other honourable mentions: a book of love by ha hyunsang, wide eyed blind by saint raymond, irreplaceable by nct dream, lmly by jackson wang. that’s all i have off my head

favorite movie?

surprisingly i’m not big on movies... but i’ll always answer parent trap when someone asks! why do i sound like i always have prepared answers in my head for various questions... okay that’s bc i do.

what would be your ideal partner?

@june look away i already know you’re gna say this sounds a lot like someone..

shy... is the main characteristics lmao idky it’s not even like i’m outgoing but i tend to find myself liking shy-er boys over the outgoing ones! aaa those with very obvious leadership qualities and quietly cares and looks out for those around them :’) tsundere! i think shy may appear cold sometimes but i’m rly :’) when the shy ones become very affectionate in private or when you get to know them better :’) or shy with strangers but very goofy and silly with their closer social circle heh those that are more cat-like than dog-like, only approaches you when they’re comfy. okay also shy but willing to speak up when necessary! doesn’t let themselves get bullied for being quiet and also pls speak up for me i hate ordering food pls do it for me HAHAHHA also if they’re passionate about something they like/are good at! good listeners too heh doesn’t need to always have the best advice, just if they would sit with me silently and listen to me and give me a hug afterwards :’’’’’) i think i’m on the touchier side too so if they don’t dislike that it’ll be nice! OH someone who’s good at cooking too bc i hate cooking and the kitchen in general.. i’ll do the dishes though HAHAHAH ok that is all there is a certain idol in my head that is the embodiment of my ideal type and i hate him >:(

do you want children?

no... not so much bc i don’t find them cute or i can’t handle them but i think it’s a commitment that scares me! bringing up the child well with the right character and values ajksdbwkje i don’t know if i’m up to that HAHAHAH

have you gotten in trouble with the law?

nope @woosohn @yeonjuins pls be proud of my direct no why are the two of you......... 

bath or shower?

shower! i don’t know if i’ve actually taken a bath before... probably when i was younger HAHAH i think i’ll get bored in the bath and i much rather be relaxing in bed than in the tub

what color socks are you wearing?

barefoot at the moment! the socks i own are mostly solid colour socks / simple cartoon or animal patterns but all ankle socks that can’t be seen with my shoes

favorite type of music?

i listen to pop, r&b and indie! that’s about all and favourite depends on the mood!

how many pillows do you sleep with?

just 1! and a bolster too

what position do you sleep in?

either on my back with hand over my head lmao or turned to either sides while hugging my bolster and face buried into the bolster

what you don’t like when you’re sleeping?

when it’s too hot! canNOT sleep if the weather is too hot. also if i get woken up rudely, by screaming or someone smacking me awake LMAO just tell me nicely to get up and i’ll be out of bed in 10mins pls give me awhile my brain is turning on HAHAHA

what do you have for breakfast?

recently i haven’t woken up early enough for bfast or my family is just about to go out to buy lunch by the time i’m up hahaha but on the days that i’m alive for bfast, iced coffee and any pastry sitting in the fridge! my family is big on pastries like croissants and cakes like banana and carrot cakes! so one of those but the iced coffee is a constant in my first meal of the day

have you ever tried archery?

nope and idt i’ll be good at it tbh....

favorite fruit?

strawberries, apples, peaches! there are some seasonal favs where i rly like them for a period of time and then suddenly not anymore but these 3 are the constants

favorite swear word?

hahahaha i dont think i have a favourite one..... but i say tf a lot and mf for kpop boys who make me more flustered than they should

do you have any scars?

i don’t think so! i have a few stretch marks around my waist and tummy tho 

are you a good liar?

yes... HAHAH i used to get scolded so much for lying as a kid lmfao

what’s your personality type?

isfj-t has probably only dipped to isfp-t once but if not constant isfj!

what’s your favorite type of girl?

HAHAHAH uh.... okay with all kinds i think? except people in general who try too hard

innie or outie?

innie. was this question necessary tho AHHAHAHA

left or right-handed?

right-handed

favorite food?

ramen! but i like lots of food lmfao tiramisu, pork belly, lots of noodles, also lots of rice, beef, cakes, ice cream, i think i’m more salty > sweet!

favorite foreign food?

japanese ramen, korean cuisine!, lasagne

are you clean or messy?

clean

most used phrase?

i think alot of keyboard smashes, lmao, wtf, HAHAHAHHAHA, sigh, i’m tired LOL

how long does it take for you to get ready?

depends! fastest i think i can get out of the house 20mins after i’ve woken up. longest probably an hour where outfit is taking a while and accessories needs to be chosen

do you talk to yourself?

in my head yes.

do you sing to yourself?

not often but i sing out loud for the family to hear LOL in my head very often a song is playing up there

are you a good singer?

nop. i don’t think i’m a BAD singer but wouldn’t classify as good either HAHHAHA

biggest fear?

wow so many things but i think biggest is complete darkness, i need to see and know what is going on around me. i sleep with a night light on heh 

are you a gossip?

with closer friends yes def HAHAH my school culture tends to have lots of tea that my friends and i don’t like to get too involved in but we do talk about the gossips that goes around hahaha have also been in the center of gossip way too often

do you like long or short hair?

long! can’t imagine myself with short hair.. used to have reallllyyy long hair that goes beyond my waist and cried when i cut it to slightly below shoulder length. that’s the shortest i’ll ever go

favourite school subject?

wow nothing i don’t like school lmfao but humanities and language are way more bearable than math and sciences

extrovert or introvert?

introverted

what makes you nervous?

unpredictable situations, being alone in public (contradictory because in private i would strongly prefer to be alone but i don’t enjoy being alone in public i feel judged HAHAHA), also currently waiting on a reply for something and that’s been keeping me anxious the past 2 days :’)

who was your first real crush?

when i was 13/14, tablemate in school that was kinda shy and had very limited social circle but talked to me endlessly in class lmfao he apparently liked me too but we never dated and went to different schools at 16 y/o. we’re still kinda in touch though! we talked quite a fair bit last month just catching up but he’s more of an acquaintance now

how many piercings do you have?

2! just one normal lobe piercing on either ears, don’t think i’ll get anymore

how fast can you run?

back in school i used to be one of the fastest girls in my class LMFAO i could clock 12.5 minutes for a 2.4km run. stamina came from dancing since i had to run laps before dance class 2 times a week. but that is long in the past and now i get tired from climbing more than 4 flights of stairs pls spare me

what color is your hair?

naturally black but dyed brown! my hair has grown quite abit since i dyed it though now its black at the top and brown from above my ears onwards

what color are your eyes?

a very dark brown lmfao almost black

what makes you angry?

irresponsible people. just pushing responsibility to others or avoiding their responsibilities. don’t need you to do a good job with your responsibilities, just don’t make your issues my issues. and if its a shared responsibility like group projects, then do your part to contribute and don’t expect others to cover you

selfish people, in many ways. just being self-centred, not caring about how others feel, doing things for personal gain at the expense of others

speaking in a passive-aggressive/sarcastic manner. i say this even though i’m afraid of confrontation but i much rather someone outright tells me they’re unhappy about something or wants to get a point across. i hate when they talk about it sarcastically or tries to sugar-coat their words to make themselves look less aggressive about their words. tell me straight as it is, if you’re already gonna talk about something bad don’t piss me off with your attitude at the same time

do you like your own name?

rae is nice! has a very nice ring to it and looks pretty!

do you want a boy or a girl as a child?

i don’t.. want one.. but both have their good and bad i can’t decide.. i want a puppy

what are your strengths?

is this an interview question i have had a few interviews over the past weeks i am well-prepared for this HAHAHA

i think i’m pretty resilient! i bounce back from bad times pretty quickly or i psycho myself to see the situation positively. but it is ofc coupled with a lot of complaining to the people around me first

although i hate unpredictable situations and having to quickly adapt to new settings, i think i adapt pretty quickly too. flexible? easy-going? idk what’s the right way to call it but yeah something along those lines. good at it but i still enjoy my stability and calm don’t want to have to quickly adapt to new situations.

what are your weaknesses?

very emotional HAHAH used to be much worse but i often let my emotions rule my head. i think i’ve improved A LOT though i used to be so bad but i think i’m now able to make rational decisions even if im bawling LMFAO

this sounds like a compliment but i’ve been told this too often as well. i tend to be way too nice to people who don’t deserve it. even if the person doesn’t deserve it or they’ve pushed all my buttons in the wrong way possible, i would still try to be as nice and polite as i can. really helps with me working in the f&b industry lmfao.

what’s the colour of your bedspread?

dark blue / grey! 

colour(s) of your room?

white & wood (throughout my house actually + green from the plants in the living room) @yeonjuins says i live in a muji showroom

[paperbagpetrichor]

Can I request Jotaro x fem reader who has an angel like stan who’s feathers can harden like steel or silver? (Basically like Hawks quirk from bnha)

[ I had a ton of fun with this one! c: ]

It was supposed to be a simple car ride.  A long one, at that, but there wasn’t anything wrong with that in your eyes.  After the chaos of India, the stand users, the...Polnareff and the toilet situation...and Avdol, which you now had to hide from the Frenchman he’d been willing to sacrifice himself for, the sheer absurdity of everything and so fast-paced that if you so much as blinked you’d open your eyes to find yourself in yet another trap, yet another battle, yet another hurried attempt to move on in hopes of avoiding enemy contact, constantly out of breath without a moment to yourself, a nice, tranquil, lengthy drive sounded perfect.  There was always the threat of Dio’s minions, but to your knowledge you’d dealt with a fair enough amount of them in India to say that you’d be surprised if the god wasn’t keeping his security closer to his lair.  You had the advantage of a van regardless.  If someone tried to run after you, all that was necessary was a lean into the gas and you’d be gone in an instant, out of harm’s way.  So as the time passed on with you sandwiched between Jotaro and his grandfather, you relaxed for the first time in what felt like a lifetime, gently leaning your head on your boyfriend’s shoulder as he let you sink into him.  He wasn’t much of the embracing type, nor the talkative one, but the occasional serene expressions the two of you would share every now and then, the way his head would sometimes hover over yours, a quiet reassurance of his presence, was more than enough for you.  

When the red car began to tail you, you didn’t pay it much attention.  Probably just another traveler.  And especially after Polnareff’s unprecedented swerving around the sedan, a rather annoyed traveler, who, you supposed, had every right to be.  But after Anne rejoined the party, squished in beside you and Mr. Joestar, and a passing glance at the back window to see the mountainous terrain disappear into the vague smoothness of the road, only to notice the very same car, you shifted into cautiousness.  Jotaro sensed it, gaze following yours, eyeing you with a small grunt of acknowledgement before the car suddenly honked at you.  It passed, only to slow you down, either meaning one of two things: a pissed-off driver clinging to vengeance like a moth to a light, or an enemy stand user.  The instant Jotaro asked if anyone had seen the driver’s face, your stand materialized at your side.  Bathed in a golden-white light, practically glowing, feathered wings sprouting from its back, it was an angelic sight.  Every time Jotaro saw it, he was captivated.  But as your stand leaned out the window and hardened its feathers, he was reminded of the situation at hand, and fell quiet as you launched steely projectiles at the car, careful to gather them just behind the driver’s window so that should the car’s operator crank it down you’d have a good view of his face.  Of course, this was all thrown off-balance when you found your own vehicle swerving into a truck.  Instantly you retracted your lost feathers and prepared for a fight only to leave without one.  The rest of the ride went in relative silence, whether from shock or insecurities or lack of conversation material or all of the above, but whatever tranquil quiet you and Jotaro had shared earlier was replaced with an air of tension.  Neither of you let your guard down as you pulled into a small roadside teahouse.

You were still nonetheless fascinated with the idea of sugarcane juice, and Jotaro, noticing your longing glances, ordered one for you.  “Thanks,” you smiled as he passed the drink to you, beginning to sip it.  It tasted like liquid sugar - it was delicious.  Jotaro took note of the pleased grin on your face, and you took note of his mark, offering the glass to him.  “It’s really sweet, but good.  Try some.”

With a shrug, Jotaro began to down it, only to pause midway through his first taste and practically gag.  How could you stand that?  It felt like trying to swallow melted sugar cubes, somehow sweeter than any sugar he’d ever tasted, anything he could’ve ever imagined.  He coughed and crinkled his face with disgust before sliding it back to you.  “All yours,” he grumbled.

“Let me guess.  You take your coffee black, and never use milk or honey in your tea, hm?” you giggled, drinking down the last of it as Jotaro snorted before looking away.  You quickly followed him: the red car was in the parking lot.  Setting your glass down, you moved to head up with the rest of the group, who had evidently noticed the presence of the familiar vehicle, faces shifting with suspicion after the bartender admitted he hadn’t seen the person leaving it.  There was only one option left, then, but the entirety of the group looked ready to punch the truth out of every possible patron, tooth and nail.  “Let me handle this,” you instructed, “we don’t need to waste energy trying to find him before we fight him.  Come on, get a drink and act normal.”

The others sensed your plan and followed suit, Jotaro ordering a black chai tea that didn’t deserve its title as he requested no milk or sweetener in it, leaving just the subtle spices, almost as if to prove a point, eliciting a small laugh from you as you ordered a refill of your juice and settled down at a table with him, beginning to head to work.  The range of your stand was considerably larger than Jotaro’s, albeit not as great as Kakyoin’s, but wide enough to encompass all of the tables and bars stationed around you.  You could feel Jotaro’s eyes carefully watching over you as you set to work.  With your hardened feathers, you sent one to each table, fashioning makeshift quills sharp enough to dig into the wood of the simply-fashioned furniture and carefully but quickly carving the phrase Car? into it.  When nobody showed any signs of response, save for shock at the word suddenly appearing on everyone’s table seemingly out of thin air, you pushed the boundaries a bit more.  Angling your feathers’ sharp points in the direction of the customers, you fired a slow burst of consecutive arrows, denting the tables closer and closer to the patrons every time, slowly but surely, a warning sign at its finest.  Again you were faced with nothing but shocked faces.  Nobody seemed to have noticed it was you sending the calls, or at least, if they did, and indeed saw your hardened feathers approaching, refused to show it.  You set your jaw as you reached the table’s edge, scraping out Show yourself, coward, followed by a forceful jolt as a single feather cemented its way harshly between each patrons’ legs, at the least scaring them and providing a brief trapping just long enough for the others of your team to scan the area only to come up empty before the noise of an engine starting distracted all of you.  

The red car was once again on the move.  “Crap,” you muttered, abandoning your drink as you followed Jotaro back to the van and hopped in, bracing yourselves for a rocky, speedy chase, instantly ignited and kicking off the automobile like it had been shoved with the force of a thousand men, jolting forwards and gaining momentum in mere seconds.  You grit your teeth.  If you’d just managed to catch him quicker at the drive-in, or kept your feathers beside the red car’s window, you would’ve been able to make out his face.  

Jotaro saw the subtle change in your face and gave you a nudge; his way of reassurance.  “Like hell that asshole’s getting away.”  As the van sped up and swerved around the curves of the road, hitting stray rocks and throwing about its contents, you were slammed into Jotaro time and time again only to extend a wing around Jotaro and the other around yourself, creating a protective, soft barrier between the two of you.  It wasn’t that you disliked his close presence, but you would understandably prefer it if that presence wasn’t caused by a bumpy ride after a stand user as fast as the van could go.  Once more you shot your arrows out at the car, landing almost soundlessly against the red paint behind the driver’s window against the previous indentations you’d left.  

A dead end.  And then, somehow, the car was behind you, ramming into the van and lurching everyone forwards, your wings the only things preventing you from flying face-first into the back of Kakyoin’s chair, Mr. Joestar using his size and strong arms to hold himself and Anne back.  And then suddenly you were falling.  Thankfully, Hierophant Green’s quick action and Jotaro’s devilishly pointed action saved you, dragging the culprit down, tightening the wench as you emerged safely on the other side, only for your stand and Star Platinum to emerge at the same time, Jotaro delivering heavy blows to the now airborne vehicle and you piercing through its windows with feathers flying from your wings, sending the red car crashing into the ravine and exploding at the bottom.  And yet just when you thought you were done, the car burrowed up from the ground right beneath your means of transportation.  The stand had been the car all along.

Before you so much as had a chance to stop him, Jotaro was attacking the stand, only for it to shoot at him and puncture straight through his arms in fractions of a second, you barely capable of holding back a gasp as he attempted to steady himself, you quickly catching him and helping him stand, taking off your jacket and tearing it in half to wrap each of his arms within them in a primitive bandage, monitoring him but not interrupting him.  You trusted him.  But it hurt to see him in pain like that, to know that the stand was already capable of such damage when just barely provoked.  You were able to sense the car preparing for its next attack just in time and enveloped Jotaro - and the approaching Kakyoin and Polnareff - in your wings, pulling them tightly to you and hardening your feathers so densely that it took a good portion of your strength to keep them covering the men’s bodies as the next attacks were launched, only to fire and rebound off your protective barrier, just a few managing to hit weak spots and causing cuts, thankfully not deep, to drag along your arms as you braced yourself for more.

“[Y/n], the boulders.  Attack from there,” Jotaro breathed against you, and reluctantly you retracted your wall, darting for the safety of the rocks instead, rushing behind them, giving you just enough time to almost absent-mindedly wrap one wing protectively around Jotaro, holding him close, while the other fired steel-sharp, thorny feathers at the attacker.  They pierced the windows and dug into its sides, but failed to completely penetrate the center of the stand, because the car, albeit slowed by your firing, continued to close in on you.  You let your boyfriend go as everyone scrambled up the mountainside and as the vehicle followed, preparing to attack only to realize what had caused your injuries - gasoline.  More shots were fired before you could stop them, hitting Jotaro squarely once more, you barely catching him in your arms before darting out in front, hardening your wings spread as far as you could stretch them, only for your injuries - and subsequently those of everyone your wings touched - to spark into agonizing flame as electricity raged in your veins.  Despite your agony you managed to throw a glance over your shoulder only to see a fear you never knew you had.

Jotaro was enveloped in flames, collapsing to the ground.  The rest of the world faded away, there was nothing but you and the ever-fading faint calls of the others to stay back, but you wouldn’t stay back, you couldn’t stay back, because all you saw and heard and felt was Jotaro, burning, right in front of you, as a scream ripped through your throat as you fumbled for anything, anything, to douse the fire in, only for Jotaro’s voice to snap you out of it.  Your heart was in your chest - the sound had come from behind you, but the flames still raged in front of you...were you just imagining things, trying to avoid the terrifying thought that you’d never see the one you loved most again?  But as you turned, a gasp escaped you as Jotaro struggled out of the ground, you rushing to his side and helping him up.  “Jotaro!”

“I’m okay, [y/n],” he reassured, voice low as he readied himself for the next round of offense, an arm, the less injured one but bleeding nonetheless, draping itself around your shoulder and giving your arm a gentle squeeze, “but it’s time to make this bastard pay.”

[vixthefantheorist]

Is Anti the Shadow of the Egos?

First of all, I know what you’re thinking. What the hell are you talking about, woman? And I mean both senses of the phrase; the ‘what do you mean’ aspect and the ‘what the hell is a shadow’ aspect; as both are valid questions.

Well sit down, fam and lend me your ears for a bit. 

Now the kind of Shadow I’m talking about is the kind that come from  Megami Tensei’s Persona franchise! Specifically Persona 3 FES, Persona 4 and Persona 5, mostly because those are the only ones I’ve played; as I have never gotten my hands on Persona 1 or 2 so I can’t say what information they could have. Now Shadows are the lower parts of the psyche everyone has. I have them, you have them... your dog or cat has them (maybe). Jack and the Egos have them. Those lower parts are suppressed human thoughts given physical form. Suppressed negative thoughts of the heart and mind. Remember this. When people are unable to face their darker selves, they break loose, free from all control. Sounds a lot like a certain someone right?  Anyway, Shadows eat a person’s psyche. Now... this is where things get tricky. Depending on how powerful the Shadow is and its intentions are. As well as which Persona game Seán is going with, seeing as he is a Persona fan. I actually never knew that, and I just discovered that last night on a dev call with a friend of mine. And now that I looked back in some videos Seán did... I was surprised I didn’t notice before. OR I did and completely forgot. 

See that background behind Dr. Jack? Persona 5′s Joker~ Anyway, from that I Can only guess he has only played Persona 5, and from there probably became interested in it further and went into looking it further. Whether or not he has played Persona 3 and 4, I honestly don’t know, the fact he knows of Persona may have led to some ideas for Anti.

Now back to the Shadows, depending on the power and of course the intention of the Shadow when it eats psyches... can lead to two routes. A vegetative state or... Death.

Now, I know based on this leads me to think that Anti is a shadow self of Jack... and possibly the other Egos. Possibly. The reason I say this is because of the clue Seán gave when someone asked him if Anti was a tupla (tulpa? whichever) and he said, “Close but not quite.”

Interesting~

See, tulpa/tuplas are being made of concentrated imagination. It takes an extensive amount of practice to do this... though for some its easier, depending on how complex they are. So basically they’re imaginary friends you had as kids, just with the option to hurt you or not. But there are many other variables to go with them.  Now, Seán said it was close but not quite, so if that’s the case... then if we take into account his interest and love of Persona, then it makes sense. Shadows are concentrations of emotions, ones humans reject and hide within themselves to avoid facing them and revealing them to other people in the world. Because you know that means facing the possibility of friends you have rejecting you for what actually think and feel. All the little ugly thoughts you have... yeah.  As its true, no matter how much know a person, you will never know everything about them. You only learn a percentage of what they want to show. And what has Jack been doing the entire time Anti shows up and what does he do when the community points Anti out to Jack?  He ignores him. Or acts like he doesn’t know what we’re talking about or pretends to not see him. But he knows... He knows damn well Anti is there, can hear him... see him but actively chooses to not give Anti attention. Which infuriates the little bugger. In Persona 4, if one chooses or actively denies their shadow self, the shadow goes completely berserk, laughing at ‘being free’ and attempts to kill them to take their place. ...Anti did that twice. In Say Goodbye, he succeeds in killing Jack and took his place in the channel up until a certain point when Jack was revived and retook control. We do not notice the shifts until the PAX East message where Anti raves about being tossed aside. The second time was in Kill JackSepticEye video. But it seems that Anti realizes that killing Jack isn’t going to do much of anything since the Irishman would eventually come back to life and kick him out. So... what’s the next best option to render him helpless and take his place? But deny him being ‘revived’ again?  A coma.  Or in Persona 3′s case... inflicting Jack with Apathy Syndrome. Apathy Syndrome is an illness that reduces the victim into a vegetative state. Or close to it, its purely in the game. But the illness’s cause is a shadow eating the victim’s psyche and stealing the soul. That’s the general idea of the illness. Now it doesn’t exactly give details on it further but in the game and observing “the Lost” its a term people in the game give to the victims inflicted with Apathy Syndrome, its safe to say that the Lost are aware, but... well ‘lost’. They can’t move, eat or take care of themselves, mumbling or moaning. But they do sometimes speak in return but in barest of words.  So... think of Apathy Syndrome as a type of paralysis, you’re aware but you can’t do anything or barely speak if you’re lucky enough to. And if you can speak, your thoughts are so jumbled that you can’t form a coherent sentence together. You’re literally trapped in your own body. 

Now, knowing Anti wants Jack to suffer, so its likely he stole Jack’s ‘soul’ but only enough to keep Jack helpless but alive and aware. He just can’t move or give a signal to the Egos that he can hear them... can see them.  If Anti IS a shadow form of Jack, his direct dark self that he refuses to face; then it makes sense as to why Anti desires attention. He was suppressed and ignored and wants to be acknowledged. Now... that does paint Anti as a victim more than a villain, which is fine since we honestly don’t know who plays what roles if there even IS a role to play.  As Seán had said, “Protagonists aren’t always heroes,” and he’s very correct on that. Protags are just the main focus of the story, not always a hero, just a main character. The same can be said for Antagonists not always being the villain. Antags are there as hostile oppositions but not villains.  But what does this mean for the other Egos? And why does Anti mess with them given he already ‘won’ against Jack? Well, honestly I don’t know. Anti only knows negativity so he’ll just react and do things negatively and given he’s not as bound to Jack, he can do whatever the fuck he wants because he’s a dick. He knows all of Jack’s fears... maybe he wants to know all of the Egos fears and does know them if they had talked to Jack often about their troubles and such and wants more of that.And wants to mess with them because he can? Maybe force them to accept him as the new Jack, turn them into Shadows like himself?  Hell if I know.  But could explain Dr. Jack’s appearance... Henrik’s fear of being replaced by someone ‘better’. Dr. Jack being Henrik’s shadow. -Shrug- Maybe that’s the whole reason for the time loops and such, the Egos trying to get Jack to stop ignoring Anti before he gets kill or stuck in a paralyzed state. In Persona 5, people that you go... deal with act more closely to how their shadow selves are and don’t care, thus suppressing the positivity. And its your job to get into their hearts and kick their Shadows’ ass and tell them ‘No, that’s a bad thing, realize that. Apologize and admit your crimes and stop being a dick.’ Which in a way Jack is being... excluding Anti completely and being a dick to him. So Anti returns the favor and does a better job at it. Though Anti needs an ass kicking himself to be told to stop being a dick. Maybe. So its likely Jack understands what he needs to do but he can’t do anything to fix it because he can’t move or speak and Anti’s too pissed off at him to listen. That and Anti’s riding high on the attention, fears and reveling in the feel of *freedom* that he’s going to refuse giving it up.  Again its just theory I have. That Anti is/was a Shadow self of Jack but evolved into something more. Hell maybe Anti is the shadow of all the egos, absorbing their fears and darkness that they refuse to face... with the exception of Chase to a degree. Chase is a ball of negativity and acknowledges it, but likely refuses to face the reason of why or do anything about it; and Anti finds it funny or hell thinks of him as a battery to drain energy from. Who knows. But yeah, there it is, my possibility of what Anti could be. Now mind you, its just a theory and a possibility. So highly likely I’m very wrong, but it was a fun trip to think about. As ANY of this can be altered and changed by Seán to fit what he needs for the Lore. If it is indeed that he’s taken some inspiration from Persona as well. So not all the info I did share is what he thinks or uses. AUs people, you can rewrite the rules to how you want it. XD What do you guys think Anti is?

[herstarburststories]

catastrophic night. — Dick Grayson x Reader

A/N: Hello, I’m V and love Batboys requests, keep sending them. Thanks. Hope you like it!

Beta: @lyss-91

Request: Hey there! (If you’re still doing asks/requests) could you do a Dick Grayson x reader where by day they’re best friends/crushing on each other and by night reader works for the League of Assassins and they’re enemies? Secret identities, of course😉 thank you! Love your writing!

+ Damian has a sister x brother relationship with Reader

﹏

“Do you have plans for tonight?” You asked in a tedious voice, as if it was just a simple question inside a ordinary conversation. That would probably trick anyone, but not Dick Grayson, the person who had known you for a long time and, of course, is the son of the world’s greatest detective and a detective himseld. Not that you were aware of that Batman’s part.

“(Y/N)…” He tried, knowing exactly what you had in mind. You just rolled your eyes and let your back rest against the chair you were sitting on. Having someone who knew you as deeply as he did was such a blessing, especially when the said someone was your best friend. You often didn’t need to look for pretty words and babble until he found out what was bothering you, Dick somehow was aware of the way you reacted to things. How your feelings worked, most of time. He was very considerate, loving, and sweet. Then, no surprise he was always surrounded by applicants. The former acrobat was full of positive traits in his personality. And the way he looked? Yeah, no way he wouldn’t be everyone’s type.

Which included you. No, it was not part of the plan, falling in love with him was never a situation you looked forward to. You just couldn’t help it. And God, did you demand yourself to stop. Even ignoring him for a couple days, though you weren’t able to keep it up. The way his blue eyes followed every move of yours after one week of avoiding him, somewhere between hurt and confused, trying so hard to find out what happened, if he did something wrong, just too much for you to bare with.

And here you were. In love with the man who had become your best friend, whom was also your well known friend, Damian Wayne’s, brother.

“Come on. Don’t give me that judgmental glare, Golden Boy.” And that subject emerged from nowhere once again. Why couldn’t he just let it off and accept your denial state? “We could pick up Damian and go to McDonald’s. They have a vegetarian hamburger now, and I promised Damian I wouldn’t try it without him." 

”(Y/N), I know why you are calling me to go hang out today.“ You sighed, dodging your eyes from his. You wouldn’t admit it. "I know you don’t want to have dinner with him, but you could at least give him a chance.” Since you met your sister’s girlfriend, you were sure something was off with that girl. Amaya, or whatever her real name was, could be very charming with both talking and appearance wise, but her tattoo showed another side of her. The symbol carved on her skin until death screamed a position: League of Assassin’s member. You couldn’t tell Dick about that, clearly. He did not know about your night life, only his youngest brother was acquainted with that small, big information. Yet, you hadn’t tell Damian about that little surprise at home either, as much as he would not be surprised but pissed for you. It was a typical warning from the League, their most gentle way to reminder you to keep your loyalty, to finish the plan. “I trust your instincts, but you can’t just hate the woman your sister is in love with because you felt bad vibes from her. She needs your support.” You had to admit that was such a lame excuse you gave Dick to hate on Amaya, but that was all you had. Wasn’t a completely lie, as well. “Hey.” Grayson put his hand on your cheek, giving you that warm smile that only he could’ve as you finally let your eyes be pleased with the sight of him. “If you want, I could go with you. Maybe call Damian.”

“Thank you, Dick. But you are right, I have to give her a chance. (Y/S/N) does seem happy. And I should be there for here.” You smiled at him, not really going to give Amaya a chance for obvious reasons, like her capacity of murdering your whole family if you blinked the wrong way, but appreciating his sweet support. Dick felt your cheek get bigger on his mouth as you face showed an amused expression, and it made his own corners of the mouth turn up in full happiness. He could literally feel the woman he was in love with showing a lovely grin, that was enough to make his worst day worth every breath. Although you were going to give Amaya a chance and spend time with your beloved family. You would be happy, so would him, then. Even though Dick would miss that meeting at McDonald’s. “Still, McDonald’s tomorrow for lunch?”

“It doesn’t sound very healthy.” He pulled his hand away with a smirk. Both of you missed the touch at the second it was taken off you, but he didn’t want to make it awkward by keeping his hand on your soft skin for too long and you didn’t want to make it weird by asking him to remain there. “I’m in. I will ask Damian to come.”

“Alright. I better go, dinner will be ready soon.” You got up your sit at the snack bar as he followed your moves, a usual gentleman act of his. “See you tomorrow.” You hugged him, receiving his arms around his body in a strong yet soft grip back. That. That felt even safer than learning combat skills from Talia, one of the best fighters you’ve even heard of.

“Text me to let me know how it goes.” Dick referred to Amaya situation and you nodded, letting go of his body another time. You held back the need of pulling him into a second hug and just grabbed your wallet to get some money. Before he could deny it as always, you put a couple dollars on the table. “(Y/N)!”

“I ate too, Dick. I won’t let you pay for it alone, I can pay my bills.” He was about to retort to you, saying it wasn’t what he meant, you just rolled your eyes, fully aware that was not the nature of this. “Don’t fight me on this, Grayson. You will lose, as always.” With a smirk and a wink, you left him.

╮

Someone who did not always lose when it came to you? Nightwing. Unlike Dick, that guy was a hard obstacle. He knew how to fight and he did that with grace and, as shocking as it seems, jokes. You otherwise used your violence like art, every movement was a brushstroke on the surface of your painting; the combat itself. No funny words slipped from your mouth, only cold, threatening phrases. This was part of your living you couldn’t erase, you would die by its life someday, but not tonight. That night was about killing another one with a mask on.

You had no idea why, as if you ever did need to, the League of Assassins wanted Nightwing, visible Robin’s partner at times, dead as soon as you could lay your sword on him. But it was harder than you would picture. You never wasted your time on mistakes, like letting one of your enemies — League’s Enemies — out of a fight breathing air. Yet here you were, already fighting that moon viligant for weeks. Yes, he was one hell of a fighter, apart from it wasn’t supposed to be so difficult. Talia wouldn’t be amused, she wasn’t by now, Amaya was a walking proof. It was like you had grown soft, sentimental to other people, an aspect that the League absolutely despised. Though, you could not help it. First, seeing Damian able to live a normal life with his father, without being trained continuously to improve his killing capacity at a young age, just craving for his mother’s affection and his grandfather approval. He was happy. The kid was her only string to her own humanity for so long and now he was genuinely happy. Not just satisfied with a new fighting skill or temporarily relaxed while spending time with you, but really daily content with his life. 

There was also Dick. He became your best friend when you visited Damian at his new house from the first time. Right, it wasn’t an immediate deep friendship, you two became closer as the months went by and suddenly a year was gone and you two experience what was like a decade of familiarity with each other. He showed you kindness, good, among with Damian, an example of someone who left the League and got a peaceful, great existence. They made you wonder what it would be like to be like this, to have it. You wanted that.

Of course you could see you family when you wanted to, and wasn’t at a mission too far away from the city they lived in aka Gotham, though it wasn’t the same thing as that. You got a kind of vocation to see Damian, how you missed him, but it extended when Nightwing mission came up. It had been a year, time for you to go back to the place which didn’t feel like home, yet was the only you knew as such. Besides, failing denoted Talia herself coming to Gotham, you didn’t want Damian facing his mother at this moment of his life.

Still, Nightwing let out a bad pun before you and him left into the well known comfortableness of the night after another hard, gaining no winners fight.

Damn it.

Text messages

(Y/N), 10:30pm: It was okay. I still do not like her, but I was sympathetic most of the time. Even mom was impressed. 

Dick, 10:31pm: Told ya, people can surprise you in a good way.

(Y/N), 10:31pm: They also can surprise you in a bad way.

(Y/N), 10:31pm: Grayson.

Dick, 10:32pm: Yeah?

(Y/N), 11:00pm: Would you hate me if I surprised you in a bad away?

Dick, 11:01pm: I wouldn’t hate you.

(Y/N), 11:03pm: What if it was really a bad surprise?

Dick, 11:04pm: I couldn’t hate you. 

Dick, 11:05pm: You are my best friend.

(Y/N), 11:07pm: Don’t let Damian read it.

(Y/N), 11:08pm: You are mine, too.

(Y/N), 11,08pm: Damian is still the first one, thought.

Dick, 11:08pm: I’m hurt now.

╮

“TT. I do not see any aim on this, (Y/N). Mother is going to be very disappointed if we do not train her new attack position. I must learn it by the sleep of the sun.” Said Damian, the one child around and who were responsible for since he was born. You were the third person to hold him, after Talia and the midwife who helped bringing him to this world. You couldn’t say you raised him, but you did spend a lot of his days together, predominantly training when he wasn’t with his relatives.

“Come on, Damian. It will be cool. You deserve a break, we’ve been traning hard since you could walk. Your first world was katanna.” You tried to persuade him. Damian deserved a piece of his stolen innocence, freedom back, in addition, he was the only person you cared for and trusted here. Then, seeing him obligated to fight with no knowledge on other options, how living actually looked and felt like, was rather a torture that you accepted in silence.

“I do appreciate my blade very much. And training is what made me… Me. I am the Grandson of the Devil, I require you to get up the floor and fight me until one of us beg for mercy while coughs in blood. I—” This kid acted like a grown ass man. It did break your heart a little. He was so young, yet there was no childhood to be seen. It was a right robbed by birth.

“You are getting a break and painting with me.” You stucked with your decision. Even though he didn’t get what you did at his age, you could still give him a little bit of harmless fun. After all, you did owe his one. Damian wasn’t conscious of that, or he did in silent and agreement, but he was your humanity part inside the League. And you were every good intention he ever get directed to him.

“That is useless. It will not help me to increase my fighting skills.” Damian refused, ceptical that would be any help. He was in charge of a mission, turning himself into the best. It was this way since he was born, like mother and grandfather. Having fun or experiencing something because he wanted to was not a main objective or even a thought. “TT. A coloring book? I am not a child, (L/N).”

“Should I remind you your own age, Damian?” You arched an eyebrow. Wasn’t hard to know the ideas inside his head, you just decided to not let those win. “Come on. For me. We are best friends here, aren’t we?” Damian blushed in shame for the old position he’d gave you when he was younger and naiver. “We can train for hours with no stop after that, promise. I also bought some blank papers so you can drawn if you’d wish.” You put your hands up to show you were not lying. The boy watched you for a couple seconds, analyzing.

“TT. Whatever. Since we are training to recover this unnecessary wasted time.” Damian put his sword away with a frown, crossed arms as he sat down in front of you.

╮

You continued to read your book as you felt a presence in your apartment. For someone who was trained by the League, Amaya surely didn’t show it. You could hear her steps even if you were sleeping, so loud and weak for their criteria. 

“I would suggest you to leave my house right now or I am gonna have to clean my carpet.” Oh, here you were. The cold part of your personality consistently appearing in similar situations. “Do you have any idea how hard it is to wash out blood?”

“I have a message from Talia.” She responded. No emotion found in her voice, unlike the night before at your house, when Amaya talked politely and rubbed your sister’s back as she meant something other than a work to be done. The blood in your veins ran faster, burning like toxic water inside you. It wasn’t fair with your sister that her first real girlfriend, just a little bit before she came out, would be a trained assassin ready to kill her with her hands while she kissed her. She deserve a girl who’d appreciate her, not study her. “You have five nights to end Nightwing, or she is coming to Gotham.”

“Give me one. Tonight it is going to end. You better enjoy the time with me sister while you are capable of.” You turned a page, treating the subject as the insignificant order it was supposed to be. 

“I am not weak like you, (L/N). I’m not attached to this people, but you might considered killing your precious Dick as well. Maybe so you will become the golden cold hearted murder you once were, not that piece of garbage who cannot finish a easy job.” Her words dripped envy and for the first time, you raised your head to glare her. Amaya wouldn’t touch Dick, the said facts were the problem. “We were trained to fight, not to feel. Learn that before it is too late.”

“Get out before I get tired of reading and show you how good a tongue can taste when it’s cooked with the right salsa.” There was no necessity for you to get up and show her the exit, with a blink of eye, Amaya was gone.

╮

“TT. I can’t believe I got Red Hood’s toy.” Damian huffed as he checked the present which came with his food. You grinned, finding this adorable. Dick laughed a bit.

“I know, you’d rather Nightwing. Who wouldn’t?” He winked, an inside joke there made Damian murmur something and started eating his food. Nightwing’s mention, the protector of the moon as you named him at a fight, coming to haunt your thoughts and force your tongue to sneak out.

“So, it’s my last day in town.” You said right way once your when both Dick and Damian were filling their mouths with them. It did not prevent the brothers from wide opening eyes and ‘what!?’s popping up. “Work is calling me.” You explained, giving Damian a significatiful glare. He understood, nooding slight as he look down, a french frie shutting him up before saying something too emotional. Damian was aware that you could not just ignore his mother calling you back, the consequences would be disastrous. Dick otherwise wasn’t conscious of your real work, you just lied about being a photographer who followed the beauty around the world, but he knew it would kick in sometime. Celibate time couldn’t last forever.

“Why didn’t you tell me— us before?” Dick sounded hurt. You took a deep breathe. His side was understandable, you wished you didn’t put him in this position.

“Because they called me by the night of yesterday.” Half lie, half truth. All you were able to offer him, everything you would ever be able to give him. Pieces, never an entirety.

“Is that why you asked me…” Grayson referred to yesterday’s late messaged at midnight.

“Yes. I’m sorry, Dick.” Once again, untruthful letters flying in the air. “I’m sorry, Damian. I really wish I could be here.” You kept your eyes on his green ones, attempting to assure Damian your wish wasn’t leaving him. Never was. He was the closest you had of a family for tropical, astronomical, equinoctial and solar years. He was still as important as a blood related to you.

“I know. But I understand. Be sure to come back, (L/N).” His supercilious reaction appeared as an alert for you. He was sorrowful, willing to not let it show. Exactly like he was teached to.

“Will not disappoint you, best friend.” You said delicate, catching the shine of hold tears in his green eyes.

“(L/N).” Damian nodded and get up. You were ready to do the same and get the most suffocating hug from him.

“Come here.” Opening your arms, you waited for some tender platonic love showing. He didn’t squeeze you as expect. Damian’s chin trembled and you were mindful of him about to cry.

“I need to retain myself to the male toilet for a moment, excuse me.” He announced, his quick steps heading to the bathroom.

“I think I need to talk to him a bit more.” You sniffled, deciding to leave him alone for a minute or two. The boy you almost raised required some time to digest what happened. Your attention was caught by his brother, glaring you intensely. “Dick?”

“I’m sorry, I should be more thoughtful. I know it’s your job and I’m glad you are going to do what you are passionate about again. We will miss you. I will miss you.” He let it out, stitching his neck. Guilty was as clear as the ocean into his eyes.

“I will miss you too. I already am.” You admitted, holding his hand on the table and rubbing it. That was cozy, like swimming in the beach in a hot summer day.

“I never told you that I felt more than just a friend for you. And this may be a horrible timing, but I’m in love with you, (Y/N).” Dick’s hand slowly went from yours to your waist. You could back off at any minute, he was going slow so you would be sure that was what you wanted. Your wants were guaranteed when you smiled, wrapping your hands around his neck.

“Dick Grayson, you really enjoy some dramatic moment, don’t you?” You weren’t going to waste your left time with the man you loved being ridiculous enough to try to be cool or indifferent about it. You wanted him to hear it back. “I’m in love with you just as much.” He smiled and ultimately brushed his lips against yours. This soft peck suddenly turning into a deep, emotional kiss. Two of you trying to express love, guilty, miss, everything with that intimate act both had been longing for.

“That definitely will not be the most amusing last record I ever had about you, (L/N).” Damian interrupted, making you and Dick pull away a little. You didn’t really care. The two boys you loved most were here. 

“Shut up and come here.” You pulled Damian into a group hug, adoring this moment. It was sad, but it was yours. You could definitely hold that close for  a longer time.

╰

“Master Damian, you have a visitor at the door. The lady says her name is (Y/N) (Y/L/N) and she wishes to see you.” Alfred informed the young Wayne, who was sitting on the couch with Dick as company. Grayson glaced at his brother, eyebrows going up as he smiled. Damian was making friends! The other one did not retribute Dick’s actions. For sure, he was very excited to see you again, but Grayson on his feet while was not amusing. He had enough of his weak spot, no need of more affect demonstration.

“Do not follow me, Grayson. I will not hesitate to throw a stick on your head.” Damian threated with words that would send goosebumps down anyone’s spine except Dick. As the small boy got up and walked to meet (Y/N), his brother followed him from distance.

“Hey, Damian. Did you forget your best friend?” You smiled when your caught his sight. Damian rolled her eyes and a typical sound of 'TT’ coming out his mouth, soon filled with a version of smile for him. (Y/N) didn’t mind grinning and hugging him as tight as possible, and getting the same act in return. You missed him so much. The League wasn’t the same, neither were you. By the way his arms kept you close and did not push you away after 0.2 seconds, you could say he missed you, too.

“I thought I was your best friend, Damian.” Grayson joked, slipping from the door. Damian let go of you immediately, glaring the gorgeous man in front of you in annoyance. “I’m Dick Grayson, his brother. I have to admit that I didn’t think Damian’s friend would be this age.” He smiled at you.

“Well, I changed his diapers, so I guess it makes me Damian’s best friend. Sorry, Dick.” You joked, laughing soft when Damian huffed. “My name is (Y/N) (Y/L/N).”

“Greetings are done. Grayson, go away before I get a stick.” He practically growned, trying to push you two apart before it could get more embarrassing.

.

“The same old dance. Don’t you get bored?” The moon protector said playfully, holding his combat accessories.

“I would not wonder about that, Nightwing. This time, you will fall and I will owe your head as a prize when I leave the city.” Sounded robotic to your ears, besides there was no time to worry about your thinkings.

“My best friend leaves the city and now my best villain. Hard day for me.” You couldn’t help but vacillate at this. Again, a person you were going to murder showing they had a life, people they cared about and virce versa. He even got similar problems as you. That would be difficult. You needed to push your human side away. You were good at this, Talia taught you very well. You could do this.

“I’m giving you one last chance, Nightwing. A quick dead. Surrender.” You bended your knees, spreading your arms into your fight position.

“Not happening. I never liked it too quick, anyway.” He winked, his athletic body easily finding its own combat start spot. “Time for some entertainment.”

“You want a honorable death. I do respect that. You are a great opponent, Nightwing. Now let’s see who is good enough to stay in this world.”

One of the hardest fights that any of you ever had started happening. Nightwing was fast with his escrima sticks and astute on his dodges, like an acrobat. And you were skilfull with your knifes and very comfortable with your movements, as if fighting was just a inner free animal inside of you. He finally got a hit right on a place that would let you unconscious from the pain or at least unable to walk for enough time to call the police. Or it should have.

The opposite happened. As soon as you left Damian and Dick, you spent the rest of your day meditating, training to reline your body and mind as the League reached you. You hands were under an obligation, to kill Nightwing. The League of Assassins lived up for their name, and you were one of them. They were your family, the organization your and your victims  bloods should ran for. No excuses, no feelings, no doubts. Like a journalist exposes the truth, like a cooker cooks, like a singer sings, you were (Y/N), War’s name Laylatan Karithia, english known as Catastrophic Night, you killed killed and wasn’t a hostage of empathy or blame. Your conscious side laughed at every tear. 

All the pain Nightwing offered internally replaced with a kind of calm anger. You used that agony to turn into strength, as Talia taught you so many times after almost breaking all of your bones. That needed to be done, so you would do.

And like that, taking advantage of his surprised state, you advanced, kicking his waist, then leg and punching him on the ribs with a knife between your fingers. Nightwing screamed a scream that you could recognize, sounded like Dick. It was your mind taking care of driving you insane, trying to make you feel guilty for being obedient. The fact made you grow both furious and tormented. You were in charge of yourself, no manipulative human feels would stop you.

Throwing Nightwing on the floor as if he weight was a disconsiderative factor, you got on top of him. Placing another knife inside his body, another loud moan of pain breaking the silent night. He tried to get up and fight, even hold you back, besides his body did not allow him. Your metal had envy in the brilliant end of them, an idea which Ral’s Al Ghul was proud of a decade ago. Not to mention the fact of the place you stabbed him. His leg, near to a very important blood vase. Moon’s Protector was sweating, still picking up his stinks to fight. You could sympathize with that, your beaching body and should proved it.

“Just a few more centimeters and you will bleed until you are dead. Arteries are magical if you know how to play with them.” You smirked diabolic. At this moment, you knew Amaya was right. And so was Talia and the League of Assassins itself. You were wicked people that could never be forgiven, you shall be grateful for having as malevolent people like you, or else you’d be dead by yourself in a sewage ditch like society’s garbage because you were different, you were nefarious, degenerate, villainous on an equal footing. No good you deserved because you did no good and it was destiny. Dick would never be able to change that, neither Damian. He just had the right of his fresh start because he had no choice but growing inside this diabolical system of his mother. You on the other hand made a choice years ago. A desesparated, unratinol choice, correct. Still, a choice. Didn’t matter if you regretted it or not. “It was an amazing dance indeed, sir.”

[thesinglesjukebox]

FULL TAC FT. LIL MARIKO - WHERE'S MY JUUL??

[6.11]

Do we choose rule, or do we choose suck?

Alex Clifton: Juuls. Juuls. Juuls. Oh my god, Juuls. [7]

Katie Gill: It's a little bit telling how all the comments on the YouTube video are comparing this song to other meme songs and not talking about the merits of the song itself. Still, there will always be a place in the world for meme songs that are serviceable memes but less than serviceable songs that teenagers can obnoxiously quote on the bus. "Where's My Juul" fits that niche perfectly. I expect a fleet of TikToks featuring people lip-syncing to this and will be very disappointed when this inevitably doesn't happen because I am out of touch with the youth. [6]

Kalani Leblanc: I can see there's already an abundance of blurbs submitted for this song, and the number will have risen by the time I finish this. After thinking so hard about how to go about being the fifteenth person to say "It sounds like "Shoes"," I'm realizing it's not really "Shoes" anyway. While they're both jokes that bear a resemblance in the thrash of a breakdown, "Where's My Juul??" is also listenable. The comparison is getting tired because it's like did anyone listen to "Shoes"? As a song? In earnest??? While this is not an entirely impressive piece, no concerto or FKA Twigs production, it's enough. Since 2006, we've been making everything into jokes, so it makes perfect sense. Nicotine-induced freakouts would've been the subject of an after school special ten years ago, but now they're joke material for hypebeasts and others on Twitter. Lil Mariko makes an impressive case while trying to find her Juul; I can't find anything this song did wrong, sorry. [8]

Will Adams: The mid-song 0-to-11 ramp is what takes this past the mean-spiritedness of "#Selfie" and the meme-spiritedness of "Phone" into effortless "Shoes"/"Let Me Borrow That Top" absurdity. The Juul is a placeholder; sub in any other monosyllabic cultural artifact, and Lil Mariko's rage against Full Tac's electroclash-y beat would cut through just as effectively. "Sorry, guys!" she says at the end, except there's nothing to apologize for. [7]

Jacob Sujin Kuppermann: I wrote 20 pages about Juul culture in 2018 so I should in theory be the exact target audience for this. Yet "Where's My Juul??" doesn't really click for me. It's charming and funny in parts (Lil Mariko's spoken verses, which transmit nervy anxiety and barely restrained fury effectively) but the hook, which takes up most of the very long minute-forty-five, is comedy via brute force principles: repeat a phrase enough and it will transfigure into a joke. [5]

Brad Shoup: About as funny as the related TikTok meme, though not as menacing, surprisingly. I wish so badly that Full Tac had gone full hardcore -- or even brostep! -- but am glad that Lil Mariko's Danny Brownian ad-libs and sudden reversals grind "#SELFIE" into the dirt. [7]

Oliver Maier: I need not catalogue the myriad ways in which this is transparently designed to blast off on TikTok -- you would probably know better than me -- but that cynicism detracts from "Where's My Juul??" for me. There's none of the spontaneity or sense of genuine fun that animates certain other genre-agnostic, threat-spewing, extremely online weirdo duos, more savvy than it is genuinely silly. It's not badly executed, but I felt like I got the picture before even hitting play. [4]

Will Rivitz: I get this is supposed to be more meme than song, but I so wish it had leaned into the latter for more than half its runtime. The "FUCK!!!" at the beginning of its second chorus is worth at least a [7] on its own, and its redlining nu-metal production is such a tight fusion of XXXTENTACION's sonic fingerprint and simplified TikTok trap that I'm surprised the "oh my God" ad-libs aren't followed by a "Ronny." As it stands, "Where's My Juul??" and its just-a-little-too-long interludes that grate after listen number four or so functions as a sort of "Thrift Shop" for the current day, a track defined by its novelty that we as an Internet music-Twitter hivemind all agree was genuinely good about five years after it's exited the public consciousness. It deserves more. [8]

Ian Mathers: Both less musically compelling and with less of a point than "Can I Get a Box?". [5]

Katherine St Asaph: It's kind of amazing how it took seven years for Rebecca Martinson to release her debut. [1]

Nortey Dowuona: Lil Mariko is actually kinda weird in the lol so random funny way that people think that [insert overrated white comic who had a Comedy Central show] is and has a really great metal screaming voice. I don't know who made this dull approximation of Kenny Beats and Pi'erre Bourne, nor do I care. Lil Mariko will hopefully get a recurring cameo role on Nora From Queens and get her own show from that. [5]

Mo Kim: The best joke here is the escalation of nonchalance (hey, where's my Juul?) into something desperate, and therefore dangerous: it hits like the drop in a rollercoaster when Lil Mariko finally breaks out the deep-throated metal screams, but the moment wouldn't have half the thrill without the masterful way she gradually ups the heat on the song's first chorus before that. Both of her spoken monologues, where she merges Valley Girl affect with murderous menace, only sweeten the deal. [8]

Ryo Miyauchi: "Where's My Juul??" gets spiked with an infectious dose of adrenaline when it suddenly turns a lot more aggro than you'd expect from a meme-y cross-section of Rico Nasty's mosh-pop and PC Music's ironic bubblegum. The demented beat stings with a pungent metallic sourness, and while her Valley Girl accent scans as an obvious put-on, Lil Mariko's blood-curdling scream is legitimately hair-raising. The song rapidly combusts, ensuring the joke doesn't overstay its welcome. [7]

Joshua Lu: Yes, hearing the unassuming Lil Mariko scream and snarl over a missing Juul is intrinsically funny, especially accompanied by a music video that knows exactly how to push the limits of its concept. But the real strength of "Where's My Juul??" lies in its sheer relatability. The title could be anything -- where's my wallet, my phone, my eraser -- because anyone who has ever misplaced anything can relate to the escalating panic and rage in not only the cataclysmic vocals, but also Full Tac's discordant production. Also crucial to the song is its sense of plot, as it steadily progresses from confusion to blame to outright violence. The ending, though predictable (Lizzo used the exact same twist not that long ago), is a necessary denouement, as it provides the moment where everyone involved can look back on the last minute and a half of chaos and laugh. [8]

Iain Mew: As a song structure trick, I love the fake-out final verse, those ones that seem like something slowly developing before the artist brutally cuts it off for the chorus or instrumental to come back stronger than ever; the "Don't Speak" and "Your Best American Girl" kind of thing. The key moment of "Where's My Juul??" comes in taking that same trick to a ludicrous, brilliant extreme. It has a drawn-out, jittery verse, a cartoon scowl of a chorus, and then one question into verse two it veers straight into swearing, screaming and fucking everything up. That's perfect enough that it would ideally be even shorter than it ends up. [7]

Kylo Nocom: Full Tac and Lil Mariko do in less than two minutes what took Justice five. The gimmick is the least fun part, and judging by my sample size of BigKlit's "Liar" and Full Tac's very own "CHOP" the producers behind this might not even be as funny as this video would imply. But I've long settled with music that's good on the merits of just being fun; when the production here is layered with discordant guitar sampling, analog drum kits, and distant screams of "piss!" and "fuck," I'm willing to buy into the ugliness. [8]

Joshua Minsoo Kim: Full Tac returns with another take on "Liar," succeeding because the goofy conceit here finds an appropriately goofy (that is, unexpected) vocal performance. Part of the appeal is how "Where's My Juul??" could sit comfortably alongside songs from Rico Nasty and Rina Sawayama, but has the appeal of shoddy viral videos from yesteryear. It's that "Kombucha Girl"-type reaction it's striving to elicit, and it accomplishes that as soon as the screaming starts. The best detail, though, is the most subtle: the moment Lil Mariko stops herself from saying "who" and politely asks "have you seen it?" [7]

Michael Hong: Have you ever been dragged to a party only for your only friend to disappear, leaving you to mingle with a group of people you don't know? And one person makes a comment so absurd that you just giggle along with the rest of the group even though you're not really sure if they're layering their statement with even a hint of irony or if there's something much more unsettling lurking underneath? But the jokes are getting more and more uncomfortable and suddenly fewer people are laughing along, instead furtively glancing across each other with an exasperated look as if to say "is this person for real?" And instead of backing away, that person instead starts doubling down, getting more and more aggressive, screaming across the room for what feels like hours and surely people must be ready to head out. Instead, when you finally catch a moment to glance down at your phone, you find that only two minutes have elapsed since you arrived and you realize that not even a quarter of the time has passed before your ride will come and you can leave this godforsaken party. You have absolutely no choice but to continue standing in the group in discomfort, waiting for this moment that feels like an eternity to finally finish, with the only background noise being the stereos blaring what sounds like someone's first attempt at using GarageBand. [0]

Crystal Leww: While I was digging through "likes" on SoundCloud, I noticed that a friend of mine had liked "Baby Let Me Know" by Full Tac, which sounds like the synth heavy dreamy pop that was popular at the beginning of last decade. I did not stick around for "Where's My Juul??" so imagine my surprise today when I turned this on and it's umm, screaming. A consistent genre as an essential part of an up-and-coming artist's brand is less essential than ever, especially in an age where (waves hands) dance music has eaten itself alive in its swirling storm of troll energy. Chaos in and of itself is a brand -- from 100 gecs to Alice Longyu Gao's dueling sister tracks "Rich Bitch Juice"/"Dumb Bitch Juice" to any DJ Bus Replacement Service set, it has fully infiltrated dance music. How this goes from sweetly threatening to full-on psychotic and back to cutely apologetic is chaotic so yes, I think Full Tac could make some noise (both in creating a fanbase and also like literally) with this. [8]

[Read and comment on The Singles Jukebox]

[deans-baby-momma]

Life Without You-After Michael

A/N: The first of my three Valentine’s Day Drabbles/non-drabbles. LOL   This part is 100% from the reader’s P.O.V. Or at least that’s how I hope it comes off as. Enjoy!

Sam made it his priority to keep me unseen by Michael. Which was no problem anyway as he seemed more interested in torturing the hunters living in the bunker than seeking out his vessel's girlfriend.

I stayed hidden in one of the only empty rooms left since we had saved the Apocalypse world people and brought them here. The room was mostly bare, save for a bed and a chest of drawers. Sam had Maggie bring me a set of sheets and a blanket seeing as how no one knew how long Michael would be running amok.

I had to beg the young female hunter to go into mine and Dean's room to get me some different clothing. She wanted to respect our privacy, which was sweet, but I didn't want to be stuck in the same outfit for days.I didn’t know how long I would be hiding out, keep myself and my child safe from the archangel possessing its father.

One week. Seven days I stayed hidden. Michael terrorized the bunker for a few days before turning bored and deciding to go out and create an army. Or so that is what they told me when Sam finally deemed it safe enough for me to return to society. I was grateful for the extra lengths he had taken to keep me and his niece or nephew safe but being cut off from everyone had definitely not been fun. Everyone was working on finding a way to track Michael when Sam got a lead and him, Mary and Bobby took off to follow it. I wished them all luck and promised to return to hiding if, for some reason this was a decoy to lure the more experienced hunters away so Michael could come in and brainwash the newer generation.

When they returned, it had been quiet on the homefront. Sam had called ahead to let me know that they had found Dean. Not Michael, Dean! Apparently the archangel hadn’t been able to convert anyone and gave up. No one knew where he was and to be honest, I couldn’t care less. I was getting Dean back!

I was a myriad of emotions, waiting for their return. Of course I was still pissed as hell at Dean for saying yes and letting Michael take over, I was anxious to see him though...it had been forever since I had been able to look into his loving green eyes and I was worried! Worried that he would be upset about the baby growing inside me. This life wasn’t the type of life to raise a baby in and it hadn’t been like we were even trying but hey, things happen, right? When I heard the bunker door open I was undecided on what to do. Do I meet them at the bottom of the stairs? Do I sit here hiding the very obvious bump I was sporting behind the table in the library? If I had any inclination on how Dean was going to take the news of the impending arrival of our child I would know exactly what to do.  I resolved to just stay where I was and hopefully be able to break the news to him slowly.

That went right out the window when Dean came rushing into the library, straight to me and pulled me up out of the chair and into his arms. “Oh my god! I have missed you so much,” he cried into my shoulder. I wrapped my arms around his neck and held tightly, relishing in the feel of being in his embrace once again. I had missed it more than I realized. Dean stilled and I knew then that he felt it; felt the barrier keeping our bodies from being flushed. He pulled away and looked at me before glancing down. “You’re pregnant?” he asked. I couldn’t determine if it was a happy tone in his voice, a wistful one or if he was just completely repulsed by the fact.

“Uh, yea. Due in about 15 weeks.”

“You’re having my baby?” he asked, a smile gracing his face. Oh thank god!

“I am. I was going to tell you once we defeated Lucifer, but--”

“But I said Yes and disappeared. Oh my god! Babe I am so fucking sorry. I didn’t know!”

“I know,” I whispered as I lay my palm against his cheek. “I know.”

He smiles again and then pulls me to him, kissing me softly but passionately. When Sam clears his throat to alert us to other in the room, we break apart looking sheepishly.

“Come on, babe. I need to change out of this monkey suit and cuddle with you,” Dean says, taking my hand and leading me down the hallway.

Sam walks up behind us, heading to his own room. Dean looks back at his brother and shutters.

“Would you please shave now? It’s just every time I think about it, you know. It's like a nightmare. I mean I can’t eat, I can’t sleep - it’s always just there watching me."

I wonder briefly what he is talking about until I hear Sam sigh and say, "Dean, it’s just a beard. I’ve been a little busy lately."

Dean doesn't let up though. He just keeps on, stopping in the middle of the hallway to continue his teasing. "Yeah well that’s not an excuse, cos you know Duck Dynasty called and they want it all back."

Sam is quick on the rebuttal, saying, "Some people say I look good." He straightens his stance and stiffen his shoulder.

"No Sam. No people say that."

I slap Dean's chest and look at Sam. "Hey! I think it looks nice. Very dignified."

Dean rolls his eyes and mutters "Traitor" and gives me a wink when I look at him.

Once in our bedroom, I sit on the bed and watch as Dean looks around, almost as if he is re-memorizing all the little aspects of our lives that he missed.

“Soooo?” I ask, not sure how to go about asking him if he is truly him and if he is actually okay.

“So, I don’t know. Michael bailed. I don’t know why and don’t know how: he just cleared out. Now as far as my memory goes, I mean everything from the second I said yes to the moment I walked through those doors is a blank. So, I’m good. I’m just really, really, happy to be home. Back with you. I missed you so much. I thought about you constantly.”

“I missed you too Dean,” I said trying to fight back a sob. “I didn’t think I’d ever see you again. I had already adapted to the fact that I’d be raising this one alone. I’m so glad I don’t have to now.” I said smiling through the tears.  “Mary has been a godsend, so helpful and teaching me things I never knew about pregnancy and after the baby is born. Speaking of her, where is she and Bobby?”

“They stayed back in Duluth to clean up--” he pauses, looking for the correct phrase. “-the situation. And speaking of cleaning up. I need a freaking shower. I don’t know what all that douche had me doing but I feel defiled! We’ll cuddle and you can tell me all about our child after?” I  nod as I watch him pull out his regular jeans and a flannel and head off to the bathroom. Dean is back and happy about the baby! I lay back on the pillows to wait for him.

Finding the scar on his right upper bicep was a big surprise. Apparently something, somewhere had fought the archangel and whatever weapon they used was strong enough to injure his vessel beyond repair! So instead of staying to ourselves and cuddling, enjoying talking about the baby, we were now in the library with Sam, Cas and Jack. I sit beside Dean, holding his left hand as they all study the wound.

"Cas I’m going to need you to get in my head, do the whole Vulcan mind meld thing because if I can’t remember what happened I’m going to need you to drag it out of me, ok? " Dean tells them.

"Wait a second, you sure about this? " Sam, the ever present pessimist of the group asks. I can tell he is just worried about his brother and what having Castiel dig into his memories of his possession could lead to.

"Yeah, I can handle it." Dean squeezes me hand and looks up at his brother.   

Cas stands behind us and looks conflicted. "Dean," he begins and it sounds almost like he is going to try to talk Dean out of doing this. But he knows, as well as I do, this needs to happen. We need to know what caused that injury on his arm.

"Cas, c’mon hit me, " Dean demands.

Cas sighs as he places his hands on each side of Dean's head  and closes his eyes. He then places one on the scar and I watch as his eyes move back and forth behind his lids.

"Dean, who was that?" Cas asks as he takes his hand away, quickly.

It was determined that whatever the weapon was, it was a large sword with two large, thick prongs; like a big meat fork and wielded by a being from another dimension. Sam goes to call Jody and I listen in as they tell her Dean is back and then ask about the Bad Place, the other world they had traveled to trying to find Mary and ultimately killed Kaia, the one who had opened the portal. Jody tells them that she's heard nothing but that she has victims on her desk with the same injuries.  Sam and Dean decided quickly that they were going to Sioux Falls to help Jody figure out what is going on; how whatever that being was how it got to this world and why it was attacking people.

Once again, I stayed back at the Bunker. Which truthfully, I didn't mind a bit. I was used to it, I liked it. Being able to be there if and when they needed information from one of the many lore books in the library or just a friendly voice to hear when the case was running long and difficult. I was worried about Dean going up against the one person who obviously had it out for him, or at least Michael. Would they pause long enough to see that the archangel was no longer in control should they meet up? Would I get Dean back just to lose him all over again? I busied myself with helping Cas and Jack deal with the young girl who one of the hunters had saved on a witch hunt.

We ultimately save the girl from the hex and the hunters who found her takes her back to her mother. When Sam and Dean get back they have even more questions than they had before they left. But Dean….Dean is bound and determined to hole up in our room with snacks and a marathon of cheesy horror flicks. He pulls me away from the crowd and we lay on the bed and veg out, watching villains take out their vengeance on their prey. We are on our third slasher flick when Sam enters. He has his ipad in his hand and looks uptight and on edge. Dean takes his eyes off the screen and is shocked to see that Sam has indeed finally shaved. The older Winchester mentions it and Sam acquiesces. 

“Yes I shaved,” he says with a roll of his eyes.

“I mean, it’s so smooth. It’s like a dolphin’s belly,” Dean says and I can’t help but giggle earning us both a signature Sam Winchester bitchface. Sam pulls up the desk chair and sits down.

"Well I hate to disturb your marathon, but I think I found us a case."

Dean asks nonchalantly, "More Michael monsters?"

"No, killer toy." That gets both of our attention. Dean sits up and looks at his brother.

"What kind of toy?".

After watching the video Dean seems amused and interested."Thundercats? Seriously?"

"Yeah. But I mean, you’ve got your pizza, your girl, at least eight more of these movies so I’ll just leave you to it and I’ll get one of the other guys…"

Dean jumps up off the bed. "Oh, hell no, hell no. No, Panthro, that’s mine!" Then he looks back at me apologetically. "Sorry baby. I got to go check this out. We'll finish when I get back?"

I nod and watch as he follows Sam out of the room, asking a million questions. I sigh and get up, clearing the bed of empty wrappers and what is left of the pizza we had been munching on.

Dean was on an all-time high when they returned from Ohio; he had went up against and defeated one of his most favorite bad guys, the Hatchet Man. He came rushing into the bedroom where I was with a goofy smile on his face and made me lay beside him while he told me all about it. From dodging flying chainsaws  to battling the ghost possessing a David Yeager life-size figurine.”I killed Hatchet Man, babe. Like kill-killed him! Dead. By. My. Hands!”

I giggle at his enthusiasm and then he jumps up off the bed suddenly. “Come on, babe. Let’s go out. Get dressed. I’m taking you out tonight.”

Dean took me a nice romantic restaurant where we enjoyed the food, each other’s company and talked about the baby. Although he was anxious and apprehensive about bringing a baby into this fucked up world we live in, he was enthusiastic about adding another Winchester to our lives. When we were finished eating, before he went to pay, Dean Winchester fully and thoroughly surprised me when he got down on one knee in the middle of the restaurant and took my hand in his. “You have been my only light in this dark world for so long and I don’t know what I would do without you. We have helped each other through the good times and the bad. You have been beside me every step of the way. And now, we are adding another to the mix. The love between us has given new meaning to the saying breath of life. You and this baby are the most important people to me and I don’t want to be apart from you ever again. Will you marry me?”

And if anyone asks, I was so totally not a crying, bumbling mess as I said the only word that question deserved.

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[thelonelytraveler11]

Is this really the best I can do?!

It's been three years since I've done any form of research. I haven't worked in almost three years. Just in case anyone's wondering, yes, I filled out job applications (a lot, like ~250 before I gave up). For the past couple years, I've been living off my savings, the little bit of money I get from my family, and the little bit of money I get from having part time jobs. My work experience since dropping out has been pretty dismal (on average), I haven't been able to hold down a job that gave an appreciable amount of money for longer than 3 months at a time without being fired or being so miserable that I just said "fuck it" and quit.

I understand the concern some may have. You may consider it my fault for being unemployed. Quitting a job that I'm miserable while doing may seem irrational or irresponsible, but speaking as a person who spent almost the entirety of his college years being miserable, I can say with all honesty that being broke is better than being miserable. I envy those that can’t seem to comprehend my way of thinking, because that probably means they have a very good life. I wouldn't want to work in an environment that negatively affects my emotional state for 4 decades anyways. Having disposable income isn’t more important than my well being. Having a job I actually enjoy doing is very important to me because I don't have many sources of happiness in my life.

I'm kind of a loner. I don't have a strong relationship with any of my relatives and I don't have friends anymore (and even more troubling, I don't care to have those types of relationships anymore). The only potential source of happiness is my job. I don't foresee me failing in love or developing a close relationship with anyone. If the current trend continues, I think its more probable that it doesn’t happen.

I feel numb most of the time and when I do feel something, I'm usually thinking about my college days and that something is usually anger. It honestly was my biggest regret, going to the University of Illinois. Sometimes I wished I never went to college. Literally the only thing that was even remotely good about my college experience was my grades, everything else sucked. Looking back, I wish I went back to working at CVS after I graduated from HS.

In the alternate timeline, I probably would have been better off in the long run (very little stress, no debt, live rent free at my mom's house for a couple of years after graduation while working a presumably full time job which would enable me to save up a fair amount of cash before moving out). Instead, I came away with nothing. My college education was completely worthless, I reaped no benefits from being a degree recipient. All I did was waste 7 years of my life and thousands of other people’s dollars studying stuff that ultimately wouldn't matter. If I were a benefactor for the UIUC department of chemistry, I would be pissed to hear my story because that means my money isn't being put to good use, especially if I added into one of the scholarships that was awarded to me.

So, I know what your wondering, why am I writing this post? Well, I was trying to get ride time with CFD and I called for a specific person that wasn't in. Someone took a message and wrote my name down as Joel Dennison. Dennison was the last name of the NMR guy at UCI. That got me thinking about my college days and how I hated basically everyone. I caught myself looking through emails and for the most part, the more I read, the more I remembered, the more enraged I got. Now that's one sure fire way to put me in a bad mood, get me thinking about the bad ol' days. I bet many of the people I went to grad school with are enjoying their careers, while I was completely forgotten (and if they're not enjoying them, well at least they have them).

I’ve always wondered why were the other students so complicit? Is racism really that prevalent? Is there something else going on? See, it's one thing to not say anything while they were still students because it runs the risk of them being treated like I was treated. But to not even offer a helping hand even after their careers were established, knowing what they know, is un-fucking-real.

I never really felt welcomed in chemistry. People seemed to be more in love with the idea of me. I noticed the longer I stayed, the worse I was treated. At U of I, it was .... kinda bad. I experienced a form a discrimination where I would have written essentially the same answer as my lighter counterparts but received lower grades (slightly lower, but still). People assumed I did well in certain classes because the professor "liked me" (pretty sure no one at U of I liked me much). People also made statements that are crazy racist and then tried to pass them off as jokes. I fucking hated life in Champaign-Urbana.

SIDE NOTE: the following story doesn't necessarily reflect the chemists, but it does represent a subset of the student body at U of I. So, I'm sitting in the cafeteria with three dudes I already knew and some guy from the next table looks over to me and says "Sorry, if I offended you". I calmly replied "what did you say?" And Oh....My....God.... the look of utter fear was plastered all over his face. I said, "What did you say?", again, calmly. I can not stress enough that I was visibly calm throughout this entire situation. And then I noticed he was shivering, I figured I would warm up a lil bit by using my hot ass breath, so I repeated the question louder and slower (you know, to give the guy's body time to come to thermal equilibrium), again.......calmly. He was still frozen in fear. So now I am mentally gearing up to jump across this table to snatch this little boy's neck out from under him. And then something miraculous happened, my tunnel vision broke down and I realized someone was calling me. It was Jon (one of the kids I was sitting with) telling me to drop it...so I did......so, yeah, that's the story of how I almost got kicked out of U of I for snatching the neck out from under some little white kid during sophomore year. 


But there was one instance of me being the butt of racist jokes in chemistry that I can remember. Then UIUC grad student, John Overcash (who I believed worked for Ken Suslick), made mention of me "cooking crack up in the kitchen" on more than one occasion. Apparently, since I was a black chem major (that specialized in organic chemistry) I must have been a drug dealer beforehand. Or maybe he thought I was a drug dealer then....who knows...

To make matters worst, people have used the stuff other people made up to put themselves a head of me. Senior year I had an interview with eli lilly. My interview was at 9 am and there was one person interviewing before me at 8 am. The 8 am slot was taken by one Joseph Cullen (a fellow undergrad). During the end of his interview , I could vaguely hear what was said, but it sounded like Cullen told the interviewers that I was a drug dealer. The door opens up, the interviewer shoots me a look and goes into the room where my interviewers were and talks to them. Meanwhile Cullen walks past me. I give him a thumbs up and he walks away chuckling to himself. These are not good signs. I can’t say for certain that these people really believed I was a drug dealer, but their behavior suggested it. It was their reaction to me saying the phrase "nice white crystalline product", that’s what suggested it. I was describing the physical characteristics of the product from a reaction I ran and it just so happen to be a white crystalline solid (...smh). What I want to know why were these people so quick to believe Cullen? Yes, what Cullen said could be true (which it wasn't) but couldn't it also be true that he's trying to give himself a better chance of getting a job by undercutting the competition?

I wish I got a job offer as an undergrad. I honestly didn't want to go to grad school, but I had no other choice. Visiting grad schools was a whole ordeal, I was told in one way or another that I wasn’t welcomed ... at every school. At Scripps I was told explicitly that I wasn’t good enough to be there by complete strangers (how exactly would they know given that they never assessed my ability to think ... who knows). At Indiana University, I was placed in a hotel room by myself because they heard I slept naked. At UCI, I was told that I wouldn’t make it pass my first year (again, by complete strangers). At Caltech, I was told I didn’t belong because I was a drug dealer (or that I look like a drug dealer, apparently).

Now, I ask you, how do drug dealers look exactly? What are they’re defining characteristics? I ask because if you asked someone who lived in Champaign-Urbana for four years to imagine what a drug dealer looks like, they might imagine a srcawny white boy in a frat (not someone that looks like me). What makes the Caltech visit even weirder was that Prof. Sarah Reisman was just standing by, staring at me while I was being told I didn’t belong (by the help, you know, the people who was serving drinks). It was like she was trying to read my facial expressions to get a sense of what type of person I was (or am). Or was she using the help as a proxy to express her own thoughts (I’m not sure)? Was she waiting for me to “defend myself”? 
How would I be able to do that exactly?

SIDE NOTE: it’s impossible to defend yourself when there’s no evidence for or against whatever accusations there may be. It all comes down to what people choose to believe. The help has already chosen to believe I’m a drug dealer (or at least look like one) and I’m willing to bet there’s really nothing I can really do about.

No matter how I analyze the situation, Reisman’s behavior does not reflect positively on her as a person. I’m not sure if she knows this, but she was the primary reason I had to not go to Caltech. I found her behavior to be very off-putting and I got the sense that she didn’t really want me to go to school there. On top of that there was talk of her wanting to have (oral) sex. 


DISCLAIMER: I am effectively asexual, I don’t have sex ... with anyone ... or anything (yes, I actually needed to say both).

Now, I didn’t believe the talk when I first heard it because I thought there was no way a self-respecting, competent professor would admit to wanting to engage in a sexual relationship with a perspective student ... this is what I choose to think. However, the more I heard of her desires to have (oral) sex, the more I believed it. But I never fully accepted the rumors as the truth until my first year at UCI. Reisman came to Irvine for a talk and as always almost all the Organic students showed up. Before the event, I was sitting at the small table with another grad student in my year, her name was Beth R. (I don’t know how to spell her last name and I’m not going to try to google it). Beth ended up mentioning how pretty Reisman looked .... I “mmmhmmm”ed her. I could hear the chatter going on behind me, Reisman seemed mildly disappointed that I didn’t agree. Beth soothed her ill feelings by saying that I didn’t disagree. After the event, I was talking to Prof. Scott Rychnovsky and Reisman came up in the conversion. This was the final nail in the coffin that made me believe the rumors were true. It wasn’t the fact that he said she would’ve blown me, it was the fact that he said it soooo enthusiastically. He was as enthused as a person could possibly be in a professional/academic setting. No one should that enthused by the thought of a man getting his dick sucked as much as Rychnovsky was by the thought of Reisman putting my dick in her mouth, no one. It was kinda weird. 


The thought this woman hocking loogies on my dick tip, and imagining the sensation of warm saliva slowly rolling down my shaft (as I quote lines from the movie, Shaft (the Samuel L. Jackson version...obviously)) as I knock my head back, praying to god that I don’t come away from this situation with paper cuts (she has thin lips) just to look back down after noticing she paused just so she could fill the waves from my pulsating erection and make eye contact as she goes deeper and increases the pace eventually moving to the point where she starts straggling my balls and moaning like Lady Gaga singing a lullaby to baby while stroking my hard cock until I cum for her as Nicole Nava sits beside her while taking notes shouldn’t be even remotely amusing.....TO ANYONE...EVER!!!!!! But apparently to Rychnovsky, it was. It was at that moment I never wanted to be affliated with Caltech as long as Reisman was there. If Caltech and Illinois were the only two places that offered me jobs after finishing the PhD, I’d have to change careers.


Okay, so here’s the thing. I don’t really view professors as people. When I was a student, they were more like encyclopedias that could talk to me. They simply took the form of a human, kinda like a barbie doll. They’re anatomically incorrect, they lack genitalia, so they don’t have a gender. I honestly, believed this. One time, during senior year, I walked in the third floor bathroom in RAL and I saw Prof Steven Zimmerman taking piss. My face immediately screws all the way up, my inside voice says “How is he standing up and taking a piss when he doesn’t have a dick?”.....I thought that....I literally thought that....I shit you not. Just so you know, it wasn’t just Zimmerman, it was every professor. The women are doubly dickless, in my mind Suzanne Blum was like —(Mia Khalifa) because she has negative two dicks inside of her at all times.

DISCLAIMER: just so we’re clear, I’m NOT alluding to the fact that Blum has to get people to agree to have sex with her. Nor am I alluding to the assertion she’ll probably be nothing more than an afterthought for literally anyone. I’m merely trying to stress the fact that I don’t think of professors as people, but as encyclopedias that can talk to me.

I was made to feel unwlecomed at every school I visited. Why? Well, you'll have to ask them. I can honestly say that by the time graduation (from U of I) came around I didn't believe that i would have a successful career as a chemist, but I put everything into this so I couldn't just leave...

Grad school was even worst because on top of being the black kid, I was also the social pariah. The other students did a real good of making me feel unwelcomed. So much so that after two weeks of living in Irvine I stopped trying to make friends. No one seemed interested in being cool with me (I'm basing this off people's behavior ... obviously). And if some of them were, the way they showed it was so unique that I couldn't even recognize it as a sincere attempt to get my attention.

I also experienced some the same stuff I did when I was at U of I. Namely, instructors not giving me what I earned. In Dave VanVraken’s class I always received the second highest score on the exams. The really curious thing is that no one knows who received the top score. Once, when I asked to see the printed out distribution, the TA refused to show me (why?). I'm willing to bet that single point ahead of me was a dummy point. In Liz Jarvo’s class, when the first exam came around, we found out the high score was a 83. Who got the high score?...no one knows, but when I received my test the number 38 was written on (Also note I just so happen to get the same score as the other kid from U of I). At first, I was puzzled and glanced over to Peg (the TA). She sees my score, turns to Jarvo and says "he knows he didn't get that low". While I don't remember Jarvo’s exact words, she stated in some way that I would come to her and argue my case for a higher grade. So, here's the thing. I shouldn't have to defend myself or argue with you to ensure that I'm treated like everyone else. It should be a given. 


From what I hear the reason why I was treated this way has something to do with them not wanting me to "talk stuff" to the other students. 


Okay, so where is this coming from? I ask because I’ve been me long enough to know their opinion of what I’m like isn’t actually based off me. If they actually talked to my fellow classmates, the most common thing you’d probably hear is that I’m quiet. So either these people are just making up stuff to justify treating me how they want to treat me or my classmates are liars. I’m not really the type to talk about my grades (or really anything) unless the topic is explicitly brought up in conversation (and this is assuming I feel like talking at all). You can dress it up however you want, but treating me like a second class student for any reason solely reflects poorly on you (it gives no indication as to what I’m like). There were instances like this in half the classes I took. Some, admittedly were a smaller deal than others. In Vanderwal’s class I got marked off once because I didn’t draw both arrows in a mechanism that included a homolytic cleavage. For those that don’t know, if a homolytic cleavage occurs and you show one electron going in one direction, it is assumed that the other electron goes in the opposite direction and therefore does not need to be explicitly stated (minor, but mildly annoying). In polymer chemistry (taught by Aaron Esser-Khan), we had one assignment where we needed to propose something that wasn’t in the primary literature. I proposed a polymerization based off a derivative of the Hiyama coupling. Khan’s critique was that since it wasn’t already in the primary literature, it probably wasn’t a good idea ... really?! And don’t even get me started on spec because that spec TA was sketchy as fuck. He intentionally told me the wrong due date for a homework assignment and I’m pretty sure he shaved a couple points off one of my exams...

Okay, so these experiences are only a subset of the shitty things I experienced as a UCI student. But do you know what made life at UCI worst than life at U of I? My research advisor (Suzanne Blum)....and to a slightly lesser extent my fellow group members. Over the years I grew to hate them. I was lied about, I had a homework assigns hidden behind water coolers (Darius Faizi), I’ve had the nitrogen lines removed from air sensitive reactions (Darius Faizi, Suzanne Blum), I had products from reactions switch out for reagent alcohol (it’s a mixture of ethanol, methanol, and isopropanol) (Josh Hirner), I’ve had septums removed from reaction mixtures (Josh Hirner), I’ve had people try to placate me with sex (Katrina Roth), I’ve had people try to use the fact that I was in an agitated state to get something they wanted (Katrina Roth), I’ve had people turn on the indoor lights in my car in an effort to drain my battery while I’m allowing them to use my car to practice driving so they can get a U.S. driver’s license (Muhammed Al-Amin), I’ve had people ask questions just so they can not listen to the answer (Chao Zheng, Drew), I’ve experienced asking people for help just so they can not even try to help brainstorm what the answer could be (Darius Faizi, Kim Tu), I helped others brain storm shortcomings for a proposal, just to catch an attitude when they realize I didn’t catch everything the first time around (Quinn Easter). 


SIDE NOTE: To provide context, Quinn asked me to look through a synthetic route in his proposal that he was intending to present in his advancement to candidacy exam. There was something I didn’t immediately see but did bring up during a group when he was giving a practice presentation. He became visibly upset and mentioned he thought I was trying to make him look bad. If I was really trying to make you look bad, I wouldn’t have told you anything, so that you would’ve made the same mistakes when it actually mattered. Quinn, you’re an idiot.  


l’ve had people call me after I already dropped out and given up on chemistry from a redacted telephone number claiming to be an official representative of UCI calling me in an effort to get my address (Suzanne Blum, Ashley Davis), and I’ve had the experience where I ask for information pertinent to group website maintenance and they act like I’m hitting on them (Adena).

SIDE NOTE: 
This is something that always amused/offended me, having  someone assume I’m attracted to them because I acknowledged their existence. It’s funny because because they have the audacity ... but it’s also offensive because the operating assumption is that I don’t have standards, which couldn’t be further from the truth. (They seem to make a lot of faulty assumptions)

What was this experience suppose to teach me? How was I supposed to become a better person or scientist because of my affiliation with the group/university? Me coming to Irvine and working for Blum was a total waste of my time. I’m not entirely sure what her deal was, but it seemed she had a preconceived notion of who I was. No matter what type of relationship we have (or suppose to have) this will cause problems where there shouldn’t be. 


Is the request that someone’s opinion of you is actually based on you too much to ask for? Because I feel it’s a basic request that most people should be able to easily do. The contemptuous treatment did subside with time (mostly because I avoided talking to other students when ever possible) but it never really stopped. Why did it start to begin with? I’m willing to bet the only things they don’t like about me has everything to do with me reacting to the way they treat me.  Again, I have to ask, is racism really that prevalent?


Then one day, I started getting so fed up with life that I decided I needed an escape, even if it’s only for a couple weeks. So, I started planning a trip to Europe. I worked hard in the weeks coming up to the trip. I was trying to finish my entire project before I left (sadly, I didn’t, but I tried). Things were looking on the up and up. Before I left, Blum even said I was meeting her expectations, that was the nicest thing she ever said to me (it was the nicest thing anyone at UCI has ever said to me). I went off on my trip, and during the middle of it I received an email essentially telling me that my time at UCI was finished. Why? I still don’t know. 3 years later and I still don’t know why my career was ended before it was even given a chance to start.  It’s hard to move on with your life when you don’t have closure. It’s really hard to move on when you still have to live with consequences of other people’s actions.

 SIDE NOTE: I got the sense sometimes that Suzanne Blum did not really care about her job 100% of the time. I’m not entirely sure what to make of it. It’s like, either she truly didn’t understand the importance of her role (as the leader of a research group) or she truly doesn’t give a shit. Either way, she doesn’t deserve to be in the position she’s in. 


I still remember my last day in Irvine. It was bitter sweet. I was so happy to finally get to leave but also a bit anxious because I knew that the thousands of hours I spent studying and doing research was time wasted and it would never amount to anything. I knew I wasn’t going to get a job with my credentials. I even saw Eric (the other kid from U of I) in the student center when I went over to get lunch. He was looking at me all sad and shit because he knew I didn’t have a future in chemistry. We didn’t talk, we just walked past each other and exchanged glances. I tried to conceal a smile as I walked by. By the time my Dad’s flight landed, I had moved most of the stuff out my apartment. 


Life at home was hard. Depression is a mother fucker. I liken it to  a less severe version of sleep paralysis. I felt like I was stuck in my own body. Kinda like how I felt in the early Irvine days when it would take me hours to roll out of bed. I would literally wake at 6 am and just stare at the ceiling for ~4 hrs before I could convince myself to get up. And to make things worst, no emotional support was offered by my family. Their assumptions that I’m somehow responsible for other people’s actions along with their snide remarks about me being lazy did the opposite of help. I regretted coming home, even more so when I found out I somehow failed the background check for CPD. 


Now, how in the holy fuck does someone without a criminal record fail a background check? The only reasonable thing I could come up with to explain this is that the work experience I listed (my research experience) doesn’t count as work experience because instead of working for a salary, I worked for credit hours or a stipend. I have to tell myself things like this to convince myself I’m not getting screwed over in every facet of my life. If this is true, then my college experiences are doubly worthless because not only can the credentials I’ve earned not be used to get a job I’m more than qualified to do, but they can’t even get me a job you don’t even need a bachelor’s degree for.  


I wish I moved to LA after dropping out. If I stayed in Cali, I’d be force to move on with my life because I wouldn’t be able to sulk in my mother’s house for months. What would I do for work? idk...but I’d find something, and when I get fired, I’d just move on to the next dead end job.

As time went on, I found it easier to move, I still have scars though. Scars that may never heal. What can I do from here on out? I’m not sure. Going back to graduate school isn’t an option (or any program that requires letters of recommendations) because after experiencing what I’ve experienced and allowing those that I depended on for letters of rec to learn about my experiences, everyone seemed to be complicit. Either they didn’t do anything to change the course of action or it seemed like they were trying to cover it up by telling me to take the site down. I lost faith in everyone, I don’t think I can trust any of the profs to submit a letter of rec on my behalf when they either have done something that goes against my interests, are complicit in the wrong doing of others, or seem as though they’re attempting to cover up what happened to me. Even if I could get in anywhere, I still don’t want to go back to school. I lost faith in higher education. I lost faith in people. Whatever I do, I have to be able to do it without a college degree.

Just in case you’re wondering, I can’t depend on my college friends either. Mostly because I wasted no time trying to make friends. I’ve come to believe that friends are a worthless luxury.

I honestly believed that if I studied hard and knew my shit someone would hire me. I was wrong. I learned the hard way that to the outside world you are not you. You are not the sum total of your thoughts and actions. You are your skin color. You are your hair texture. You are the clothes you wear on your back. You are what people choose to believe you are. You are not you. People don’t care to get to know the people around them, they just want to feel as though their justified in believing the way they do. So I guess in order to get by in life you just need to be everyone’s friend and present yourself in such a way that everyone deems acceptable. Having the skills needed to do the job is more of an afterthought, huh? You know, one of the corollaries is that you’re expected to exhibit a certain level of extroversion. Welp, it just so happens to be the case that I’m an introvert and if the previous statements have some truth then I can honestly say this system was set up for me to fail. The only way I can get by in life is because I’m better than the other guy. No one will ever choose me because I’m their best friend.

I believe that’s where some of my problems stem from. When people see my face, they expect an extrovert (or at least someone who is more extroverted than me). When they find out I’m not who they want me to be, the reactions can range from essentially nothing, to mild disappointment, to mild hostility. And I think this is because people are more interested in the idea of me than actually getting to know me. So when they meet me and actually get to know me after building me up in their heads they’re kinda like “...oohh, this is it?!”. I don’t understand people. It’s like people just assume that you’re going to conform to their world view while refusing to even bend to yours. Now, I’m totally opposed to the very concept of “fitting in” because of all that. I got the sense “fitting in” means assimilation, which may involve losing qualities that make you unique (ones you may actually like about yourself). I don’t see why I should change in any way for people I don’t like, that I don’t see the benefit of being associated with, or for people that never liked me to begin with. People even sometimes mock my behavior, presumably because I’m not what they want me to be and this is just their way of trying to get me to conform.


The most recent example of this is my cousin Sonia (she’s multicultural). I went to her graduation party during the summer. And as with most family functions, it pretty much consisted of me sitting quietly most of the time. So fast forward to when it’s time to go home. My mother and 2/3 of my brother’s children are making their way to the car, noticing the third one is missing I go back for her. As I’m making my way up the front porch, three of my cousins (one of which is Sonia) are in my path and I say “watch out”. As I walk past Sonia, she says something along the lines of “woah, he must be serious....” while laughing... I’m going to say this once, “Mocking my behavior because I don’t act how you want me to act will never help anything”...... unless you’re actively trying to get me to dislike you. I have to remember that Sonia is just a child. Maybe it hadn’t dawn on her yet that there’s more to life than what she’s experienced. She’s probably never met a person like me, so she won’t know what to say in order to get me to interact with her. But then I’m like, “But what makes her think making herself look like an ass would actually help her in any capacity?” How does this explain the behavior of grown ass men and women who do the same thing?”. I wonder if it’s a cultural thing, and these people just don’t realize how bad they make themselves look to people that aren’t like them. 


On the way home, I started thinking, “Is this really the best I can do?”.  Have I been doomed to live a life where I’m not really happy? No, it can’t be the case. I still have faith. I may not have faith in other people anymore, but I still have faith in myself. I believe I can make something out of nothing, even if no one else does.

After going through all I’ve gone through, all I want is to not suffer anymore. I just want to be insanely rich for no reason. This won’t solve all my problems but it will eliminate many. If I ever come into having an ungodly amount of money, I’d give some of it to my family so they can afford many of the things that they want in life. Then I’d disappear, never to be seen or heard from again.


I’ve become acutely aware of the fact that people want to learn useless knowledge without ever having to talk to me.

DISCLAIMER: the knowledge is useless because we won’t/don’t have a relationship of any sort. Why waste your time learning information that isn’t relevant to your life?

So I’m going to take this opportunity to answers some personal questions because the thing I hated the most about you people is your unique combination of arrogance, ignorance, and obliviousness. While I can’t help with the arrogance and the obliviousness, I can help with your total lack of knowledge. So, without further ado ...

QUESTION TIME

Did you ever like life in Champaign county?

I was excited to be there in the beginning, then I met the people and all that excitement went away quick.

What’s your fondest memory from college?

That one time when Chipotle was doing that 2 for 1 deal. That was cold.

So, what’s up with your sexuality?

I don’t have sex because I don’t want to take the risk of having children, also no STDs. People were oddly obsessed with my sexuality and I never quite understood it. Here’s the thing, I’m a little self centered and I’m like you in the sense that I don’t immediately acknowledge other people’s way of thinking all the time. I honestly don’t understand why there was as much “interest” in knowing what I’m interested in (I use quotes because if people were actually interested they probably would have try talking to me). My viewpoint is that your claimed sexual orientation is irrelevant, it’s not even worth bring up in conversation. The reason why is simple. If you see a pretty girl and you know she’s interested in men, it doesn’t necessary mean she’s interested in you (assuming your male) right? That’s why the only thing that matters to me is whether or not the person I’m interested in is interested in me. 

It’s funny because if you completely ignore the fact that not everyone thinks like me, it would seem as though there were ALOT of dudes that wanted me to fuck them when I was in college.

To the people “interested” in knowing my sexual orientation. Ask yourself two questions. Do you want a shot? Do you think you have a shot? Think hard about it. If the answer to one of those questions is “no”, don’t waste your time.

If you haven’t already figured it out by now, I don’t think like a normal person. I’m never going to adjust or change to make you feel comfortable, the best thing I can do is not talk to you at all. I don’t adjust to you, you adjust to me. Why? because fuck you, that’s why.

Are you ever going to have sex?

Maybe, maybe not. What’s it to you?

Do you think people like you?

I know they don’t. Based off their actions, they don’t want to like me either. They’d spend less time gossiping about the negative characteristics I could have and more time actually getting to know me if they did.

You don’t think people know anything about you?

It all depends on what you think it means “to know”. Personally, I don’t. I’m never around people long enough for them to be able to get a true sense of who am I as a person. All people get are snapshots. Sadly, that isn’t good enough. That’s something I don’t think most people realize, actually.

What if after reading this, people actually started trying to get to know you, how would you react?

My recommendation is that you don’t waste your time. You can’t undo the damage that’s already been done. I’ve already stopped caring.

If you could go back in time and pick another college, which would you pick?

Xavier University in NOLA. I’d pick this HBCU because I’m fairly confident some of the problems I encountered at U of I wouldn’t have existed there.

Why did you choose UCI?

Because they told me I wasn’t going to make pass my first year.  I knew what type of student I was. I knew I had what it took to make it through any program. But I was at a low point in my life, where nothing seemed to be going right. I figure If I go there and get forced out after a year, it wouldn’t be my fault. The devastating thing is they let me get so close to graduating before just booting me out like they did.

Why did you use the word “they”?

Someone easily could have stepped in and did something. The department just enabled her (Suzanne Blum).

What grad program do you think you should have choose?

Indiana University or Rutgers probably would been better for me.

What motivates you to do well?

Meaningful positive reinforcement. Don’t just give out compliments for the sake of giving out compliments.

What’s one thing you hate most about people?

Their stupidity. Before I was told I failed the background check fro CPD. I’d get calls from some sort of case worker for CPD who was suppose to determine my eligibility. This dude asked me if I “resigned” from the Blum group and acted like that was a perfectly valid question. This wasn’t a job, it was a component of an academic program. I WAS A STUDENT. There was no resignation. You don’t resign from school. You either graduate, drop out, or get expelled. I know some college education is required for employment with CPD, so it’s far more likely that this guy is an idiot. REMEMBER GRAD SCHOOL IS STILL SCHOOL AND THERE ONLY 3 WAYS TO LEAVE.

Did you ever consider taking legal action?

Yes, but I know the people I’m dealing with aren’t above lying. Since there’s no physical evidence (that I have in my possession) proving that wrongs did occur, I’m reluctant to believe I’d actually win. It’s not smart to get into a “he said she said” battle with people that are believed to be pathological liars.

Are there any common misconceptions you’d like to clear up?

I wasn’t doing the school shit to make friends. I only wanted to make money. That’s the only reason why I was there, to make money. Every time someone why I as getting a PhD, my answer essentially went like, “I’m getting a PhD because money.” I see no point in trying to make friends with people who seemed to have been conditioned to dislike me.

Also, just because I’m quiet it doesn’t mean that I’m stuck up. It is in fact possible to be someone who isn’t a big talker.

Contrary to popular belief. I am in fact a HUMAN BEING. I have emotions and sometimes something could happen in one part of my life that can affect other parts of my life (like how well I do in school or how productive I am in lab).

Why did you just give up?

What’s the point of playing the game when you know you’ll never win.

It seems like the college years were a hard time for you, did you ever do something to ease the pain, like drugs or alcohol?

No, I love myself too much to potentially set myself up for problems later. I gave comedy a thought, but I found really hard to want to be funny when all I’m thinking about is the depressing shit that inspired the joke. If I’m gonna do something, it’s gonna be something were I don’t have to live with the consequences of my actions. I was suicidal. I was planning to kill myself the night before my thesis defense.

Why then?

I was fairly confident that no one there cared to save me from myself. But just in case someone wanted to surprise me, I figure it would be best to do when no one would expect it.

How?

potassium cyanide. The night before my defense I was going to make it my point to get a bottle of potassium cyanide. a couple months before my trip to Europe, I looked up who had it. It was on the fourth floor (or maybe the fifth). Go all the way down to the last lab space on the right hand side. When you walk into the lab space go along the right hand side and go through the door on your right. After that go to the first door on the right hand side. I placed a bottle on KCN in the first column on the left hand side, top shelf. The bottle should be on the wall on the left side (assuming it’s still in the same place I left it). I figured it wouldn’t get much use due to its inherent toxicity so it would probably be in the same place I left it when I needed it. I wouldn’t be surprise if the bottle is still in that exact spot.


Did you ever think about getting help?

From who? When I did finally ask for help, the first thing I was told was that the department sided with Blum (mind you this is before any type of investigation occurred). As soon as I posted the email from Chris Vanderwal on this blog, his tune changed immediately. But his actions didn’t reflect the words he put out in the public space. He was of no use. He had no interest in helping me in any capacity. I’m sure of it. I’m all alone in this world, I don’t have a safety net so if I fall, that’s my ass.

What about the professors from UIUC?

My previous statement stands. I had no one.

Is that why you started the blog? You felt like your were all alone and just wanted someone talk to, even if that someone was actually a void in space?

Yes, that’s exactly it.

Is that why you’re still posting, you still feel alone?

yes

But what about your family?

With them I’m a dependent not a provider. They’d be okay without me.

So have you really never sought out a therapist?

I couldn’t find steady work. I can’t afford it. Depression is a rich people disease. When you’re broke you’re just labeled as lazy.

What’s one thing you want everyone to know?

You shouldn’t let your assumptions or the assumptions of others affect how you treat me. Remember, you don’t know me. I could come to be your best friend, your faithful and supportive business partner, or the love of your life and you’d just let me slip away all because someone told you dislike me.

(Also, please don’t waste my time talking to me about all the typos I made)

[rosaetae]

the bedtime contract

➢  pairing: taehyung x reader

➢  genre: roommate!au, major fluff and a sprinkle of angst

➢  word count: 13.4k 

➢  a/n: testing out different styles of writing! so this may be a tad different than my usual angst-y writing. 

➢  summary: life could have been so much better if you didn’t end up living with him because then you wouldn’t have to sign a stupid contract to help you sleep better at night.

The dorm smelled like old wood and a fresh start.

Walking into the depths of your new home, even if it was temporary, seemed surreal— too surreal. Ever since you were little in a small town, the one thing that you looked forward to was growing up and being able to live without the rules invoked by your parents along with them breathing down your neck, expecting for the best from you.

Which is why you always envied those who were older than you. Those who had reached college and lived the ecstasy of independence and/or those who didn't even need college to live their life doing something they love.

In fact, you were rather envious of your older sister who defied your parent's expectations of going to college and becoming a doctor of some sort to become a striving musician. She would travel across the world with her best friend and play gigs at small, underrated places where some people would recognize her and the art she made through a guitar and her vocals.

Because of her decision to do that, she only called home once every month as the acrimony of her and your parents still lingered even if she was 1000 miles away; and if she were to even keep in touch every day, she would only be dragged down by dread your parents would give her. Whereas you, you were told to not do everything your sister was doing.

And finally, you were going to college on your own, and finally living the bliss of being independent sounded better than hearing your parents talk about the ruthless things your sister has done as if she was plotting against the world.

However, all your excitement to finally be independent was drained when you saw who was your roommate on move in day. All your expectations to have a roommate to share clothes with and talk to almost every day dissipated into the air. And that was basically the beginning of how you were living under the same roof of an impudent, dogmatic, and vast jerk who does not hold one single ounce of consideration.

But that's not all.

You both made a deal to sleep beside each other for the rest of your nights.

.

The dorm was larger than most dorms with 2 bedrooms and a single bathroom, making you cringe a little when realizing that you were not only sharing a dorm, but a bathroom, with someone whom you can't associate yourself with.

Forget the warm autumn candles and petite plants you bought at a boutique the week before moving in, because you knew that after finding out whom you shared rooms with was someone who despised all of those type of things, it was going to be banned from your shared dorm.

And you can feel it now: the constant nagging of your parents as they spill 'I told you so' over a million times and never letting you live it down for the rest of your life and your own constant nagging (under your breath, of course) when your roommate starts to piss you off.

But, it was your fault, you had to admit it. If you knew you were going to be put in this position, you wouldn't have listened to your sister when she told you to sign up for both a boy or a girl roommate. Now, this is where you stand; sharing a roof with a person that made your blood boil and nerves shake with irritation, and trying to avoid all contact him.

Kim Taehyung.

Long time ago, back in middle school— a story you never told— he was the older bully that bullied you—and only you— when you were only a puny sixth grader that still wore pigtails and had big blue circular glasses. From taunting you in the morning, to stealing your lunch money, he was the reason why middle school was a hell for you. But thank goodness it only lasted 2 years until he went to high school.

You heard that he moved to a high school far away from you and that was when you realized you weren't going to live under the fear of his wrath again, thus making your high school years a little decent. However, his friend whom you knew as Park Jimin made fun of you sometimes, but after freshmen year, you gained a confidence in which your sister had helped.

And one day when he was going to call you names and make fun of your appearance, you made a marvelous riposte regarding to his height, making his friends snicker at your comeback, and due to his ego being torn a bit, he never spoke to you since. Not one joke about your appearance, not one insult about your personality, not anything that rolled from his tongue.

Though, you hoped that Kim Taehyung would have not recognized you at least. It was almost 6 years ago, and you were just starting a new life in college— an independent one without the help or the nagging from your parents. You grew, he grew, you matured, and you hope to the gods up there that he matured just a tiny bit.

And on move-in day, it didn't seem like he recognized you, which was fine by you.

You arrived first with your copious amount boxes and a few luggages as you were just taking your comforter and sheets out of its box and into your room when he came in and set his many stuff down in the household.

You didn't really recognize him until you got a glimpse of his profile, your mind flickering back to when he stole your lunch money that one unfaithful day, telling you that 'little kids aren't allowed to hold money'— or some stupid phrase like that—, and you quickly sped out of that dorm complex and into your car where you locked yourself in there for a minute, your mind not connecting these points together correctly.

Going back after a minute of breathing, you cautiously walked into your dorm room to see that he had his bed fixed and neatly tucked, but he wasn't present, making you sigh deeply in relief as you quickly put your boxes and luggage into your designated room before he would come back.

The second time you two were in the same room was when you were picking up the last box and you saw he was putting stuff on the kitchen counter. You both looked up (rookie mistake) and locked gazes, making your heart stop when you noticed that his features were perfectly sculpted, even from afar. He no longer had a baby face and spiked hair that took longer than your lifespan to keep up with hair-gel, and when he had his rosy lips curl into a small, innocent like smile, you couldn't tell if he knew you or not.

"Hello, we didn't get to introduce ourselves yet," he says nonchalantly as he takes out a bag of shredded cheese he bought from the store, and gives you a more genuine smile, making you relax a bit when you realized he hasn't recognized you completely. "I'm Taehyung."

"Hi, Taehyung," you quietly say and he raises an eyebrow, taking bags of chips and cans of soda out of the plastic bags. "I'm—"

"Hi, __," he cuts you off, making you jump at the sound of your name rolling out of his tongue. "You know, I almost didn't recognize you. It's glad to see you again."

And instead of widening your eyes at that, you smile back, tightening your grip onto the box you were carrying. "It's always a pleasure, Taehyung." And with a whirl of your heel, you were heading back to your bedroom, hearing the small chuckle that you heard from the kitchen.

That night, you couldn't help but curse under your breath before going to sleep.

"Out of all people, it had to be me!" You slightly spat while hastily adjusting your pillow to its proper position to help you sleep. "Me, the girl he bullied. Me, the girl who hates his guts. Me, the one that shouldn't have listened to her sister!"

You exasperatingly sigh as you plop onto your bed, kicking your feet under the comforter as you lie on your left side, eyes staring out the window that looked out upon the city lights just a few miles ahead. The orange and white lights all seemed to blend together to help you relax your fuming heart.

From outside your room, you could hear the front door open and shut, either meaning your roommate went somewhere else or he just came back from who knows where, but whatever he does, it will not affect you anymore. Because when you wake up tomorrow, you are going to request for a room exchange.

And although that might mean you were going to lose the view that you were grateful for and the large amount of space you get in your own private room, you didn't seem to care about it as much as leaving the place in which would make you go mentally insane knowing that someone like him is within your range 24/7.

You closed your eyes as you felt yourself calm down a bit knowing that there's a solution for everything.

However, you noticed something... missing. Sitting up, you gave a 360 view of your room and your bed until you realized what was going on. Then, that's when it clicked.

You were missing your pillow.

.

You dragged yourself out of bed at 7 in the morning after a night of hardly any shuteye and began your gait to the main building and requested for a dorm change, only to result to one of the RA's telling you that the requests would take a few weeks minimum to process the changes and avert you to another room due to the many people that requested for a room change.

Those reasons were either because the room was too small, too big, or they wanted to live independently, or with a group of 4 for a cheaper price, etc. and all it did was make you even more drained than you already were realizing that you had to wait longer.

Which also meant you were stuck with him for a bit longer.

Stepping inside your dorm, you noticed that the shower was on, you assuming that Taehyung was there taking a shower as you went to your room and gathered your stuff for your physics class that would start soon. As you got your backpack and binder ready, you exited out of your room to grab a water bottle from the fridge, only to widen your eyes and have a shriek release out of your mouth when you saw your roommate shirtless in front of you.

"What are you doing?" You ask with a roll of your eyes.

"Getting a snack," he replies nonchalantly and it makes you sigh in irritation. "What are you doing?"

"I was going to get a water bottle, but looks like I might have to gauge my eyes out instead," you exaggerate with a bit of bitterness to your tone as you walked to your shared fridge and grabbed a water bottle.

"Oh, don't act like you don't like it," he proclaims. "Any girl would kill to see this in the morning." Closing the fridge at slow pace, you turn your body away from him, shoving the bottle into your bag, while scoffing at his cockiness that made you want to rip your own hair out.

"Yeah? Well, I'd rather jump off a bridge to even look at you," you retort and you could feel his smirk growing on his face as you shoved your feet into your Converse. "In fact, I'll probably go visit the one 10 minutes away."

"That's funny, love," Taehyung laughs a sonorous laugh, resulting to you rolling your eyes again. "Hope to see you later?"

And as you grab your keys from around your neck, you quickly glance at him halfway exiting the door and he flashes you a smile. "Sadly, yes. Just expect a new roommate in the next few weeks or so."

"Gladly," he replies as you shut the door, you cursing to yourself at how ignorant and irritating you clearly remember his as.

From the way he spoke to you as if he held a title that was superior to you to that crook of a smile as he would curl his lips, to the way amusement shined in his eyes when he made an amazing riposte— you simply hated it. The way he talked only brought back the nightmares you would get back in your junior high days because of him, his crooked grin reminded you of the flirtatious smile in which he used to woo with all your friends and other girls, but somehow only chose to bully you, and his comebacks were just plain frustrating.

What have you done to be fated to room with one of the worst people you've ever met in your entire life? Was the universe out to get you? Was high school just a temporary break from hell?

Who knows.

.

The answer is actually: yes. Yes, the universe is out to get you, and yes, high school was indeed a temporary 4 year break from the hell of junior high. However, you still have yet to figure out why the gods and fate have somehow intertwined together and chose you to act upon these consequences.

Because that night— that awful dreadful night— you entered the shared dorm after long hours of your classes and studying at the library, only to hear the ungodly sounds that no one should enter to at 2 AM after reviewing conceptual physics. You were just thankful it wasn't taken place in the foot of the living room when all you saw was a bra hanging from one of the counter stools. Sure, disgust and dread was what you felt; but you were about to scream in frustration that you can't even enjoy a week of your college life without getting shut eye— not that you were going to anyways.

And as you heard a few seconds of what you wish you unheard, you quickly dashed out of your dorm and went over to Soojin's apartment she shares with her sister.

It was late, you were tired from walking across the campus multiple times and you were tired from walking up and down the stairs of the dorm complex that when you stood in front of Soojin's door, you didn't realize that she opened it as you were already snoozing against her wall.

After her claiming you inside and giving you her extra pajamas, she brings you to her room where you lie there, eyes half closed.

"You know you have your own place, right?" Soojin points out and you scoff, turning around in her bed.

"That's currently occupied with my roommate and his... plus one," you grimace as you hear your best friend snicker whilst you close your eyes, just wanting to forget the regretful moment of when you stepped foot in your shared dorm.

"Can't blame him, even I'm surprised you both haven't had sex ye—"

Before she could even finish that sentence, you grabbed the pillow from beneath your head and threw it over your torso, hitting her square in the face, making her gasp out loud at the impact. "Violence is never the answer, Y/N!"

"Should have thought about that before you said that," you retort.

"Alright, alright," Soojin chuckles into air, making you smile a little bit. "No need to be hissy with me, I am letting you stay for the night to escape those 'ungodly noises' from the room across from yours."

With that, you burst out laughing, your laugh blending with hers in the atmosphere as you both laid there, talking in the dark, you suddenly not that tired as before.

"What are you going to do when you see him tomorrow?"

"I'm going to talk to him, obviously," you shrug. To you, it was the adult thing to do and hopefully, he would come to understand and not piss you off like he always does.

"Or," your ears listen onto what Soojin has to say. "You could switch out. But, I personally wouldn't. He's too cute."

Grabbing the same pillow again, you were about to hit her. "Soojin—"

"Okay okay!" She laughs, bringing her hands to her face as her shield. "Don't hit me with the pillow again. I'm just saying, you're too practical and it isn't going to stop him from annoying you. You could switch out or get revenge."

"I can't switch out for a couple of weeks." Then you raise your eyebrows at her. "How can I get revenge?"

"Easy. You could always bring a guy home, too—"

Hit.

"Okay, I deserved that," Soojin dissipates into laughter after a loud oomf. "But, there are other options than to just talk it out. It's not like telling him not to do it anymore is going to make him actually not do it anymore. He's probably gonna do other things to piss you off."

"I'll just avoid him," you simply say before yawning.

Soojin sighs next to you. "Well, you're always welcome here anytime. But if you're going to be showering, you're going to have to pay for the water bill." Stifling a laugh, you just shook your head, wondering how on earth you were going to avoid him.

Amidst your worrying and overthinking, you fell asleep.

.

As a week passed, Taehyung noticed that you rarely show up in the mornings. He didn't know if it's because you left earlier than usual or if you slept in, but he had an 8 am class and he knew that you had an 8 am class as well. However, that morning you were there, you only managed to get 3 hours of sleep the previous night.

It was 12 am when you got back from the library and you were thankful that you didn't have to hear the same noises that prevented you to enter your dorm without pressing your ear to the front door. You didn't sleep until 3 and you somehow managed to wake up at 6 am in a rush to hurry and leave before you could encounter Taehyung again.

Taehyung speaks up as you were walking past him towards the front door, about ready to leave. "Can we talk?"

"No," you reply almost instantly, but as you say that you hear him shuffling towards you while you tried to shove your feet decorated in hedgehog socks into your white shoes under a second to quickly leave.

"And why not?" He asks, standing a few feet away from you.

You stomped your foot onto the ground after putting on the shoes, and grab the dorm key out of your bag. "Because I have nothing to talk to you about."

"__, your class doesn't start in 2 hours," he points out. "Why are you in a rush?"

Shoot, you thought.

"I'm going to get coffee," you semi-lie, hand already unlatching the front door but Taehyung is a step ahead, grabbing your wrist and pulling you back into the dorm.

"Taehyung, let go–" he ignores your protests and has you sit on the counter stool. "Y/N, just spare me 5 minutes of your time and then you can go get coffee."

You huff, eyes shooting daggers at him while he stares at you. "What do you want? My lunch money?"

He doesn't respond, but only stares at you until you could feel yourself grow hot and your cheeks turn streaks of pink and it suddenly got a little too hot for a day of 80% chance of rain. "You haven't been sleeping."

"Gee, I wonder why," you say sarcastically. "Cause I've totally been sleeping through the nights while you're fucking in the room across from mine."

He smirks at your sarcasm. "It was one time." At that, you narrow your eyes, shaking your head in doubt at his cockiness that radiated off of him. "Okay, maybe not one time."

"Whatever. It's not like you actually care if I get a good night sleep or not," you declare and attempt to get up but Taehyung grabs your wrist again, eyes telling you to sit down but you only roll your eyes again while he moves to stand in front of you.

"Woah woah," Taehyung scoffs. "That's a little rough, don't you think?"

"We aren't friends and you clearly don't give a shit after fucking girls—"

"Okay, I admit; not my best move," he puts his hands up in defense while you huff and as you wait for him to continue, you begin to grow warm as he stares at you for a bit, his eyes examining you closely. "You haven't been sleeping at all, have you?"

Your voice softens as you speak, "It's not that big of a deal–"

"__," he sighs. "You haven't been sleeping and I could tell."

You straighten yourself, face maintaining your hard expression. "I'm fine."

"Will you tell me what's keeping you up at night? Do you need sleeping pills?" He asks and you were slightly surprised at his questions before he says, "God, you look like a zombie."

Scoffing, you grab your wrist back. "No and no. Are we done? I have to run to the coffee shop before they run out of the hazelnut lattes."

"__, they never run out of hazelnut lattes," Taehyung says in amusement as he was responded with the loud shut of the door.

.

You had came home late once again, but to your unfortunate events, Taehyung was surprisingly awake at that time, and you found it odd when you saw him there, waiting for you.

"Welcome back, roomie!" He sang loudly, and you had to close your eyes, hoping that he would go away, but sadly, he did not. "I have a proposal for you."

You sigh in disappointment, only to wash it away with a fake smile as he approaches you with a proposing smile. "I'm just going to jump to conclusions and give you a flat out answer and that is no."

Taehyung chuckles at you, making you even more irritated than you should be. "You haven't heard it yet! But trust me on this, it's going to benefit you."

Turning your entire focus on him, you give a sour look. "First, when did I ever trust you? Second, how do I know it's not going to benefit you?"

"Because, __," he pauses with dramatic effect. "I want you to sleep with me."

"Okay that went better in my head so the slap was well-deserved, but hear me out!"

"Taehyung! I am not going to sleep with you. I'm going to switch out of this dorm and you can sleep with the next girl who rooms with you," you scoff while making a face that shows how much you wanted to punch him. "You are so lucky I am not using my foot to kick some sense into you!"

"I want you to sleep beside me," he corrects making you question his proposal even more. "Not with me."

"Oh, yeah, because that makes everything better!" You shake your head, pushing past him towards your room. "Why on earth would I–"

"I talked to Soojin," he admits, cutting you off. "She told me how you can't sleep without a pillow and how you left it back at home."

"Why— out of all people— are you talking to her?"

"I may have been curious as to where you're always disappearing to at night..."

"You stalked me?" You concluded.

"No, not really. Just so happened to see you leaving the library when I was gonna offer you a ride back to our dorm, but I saw that Soojin picked you up. And she's in my chemistry class so the topic was brought up and she told me it's because you need someone to sleep beside you at night..."

"I'm killing her," you utter.

"Look, it's fine! I understand, I completely understand," Taehyung grins, and all you could do is mentally choke him on one hand on the other hand, you're choking your best friend. "I just noticed that you weren't getting any sleep and we're going to be stuck together for awhile—"

"No."

"I'm not expecting an answer, yet. I want you to think about it. I know it's weary to even trust me, but I'm being serious. If I were you, I would get tired from going to my friend's house 20 minutes away and trying to get to class in time. I'm just offering you a deal and you don't have to accept just yet."

You hesitate. "Why do you care all of a sudden?"

"Believe it or not, ignorant assholes like me have a heart," he asserts with a smirk, having you raise an eyebrow. "And I know I haven't given you a reason to trust that I care, but I do. You're sleep-deprived and I just... want to help."

You nod slowly and he nods back, and you both end the day without talking to each other.

.

"Accept it!" Soojin says from above her laptop.

Maybe talking about his so-called 'proposal' to Soojin at a cafe was a little unplanned, considering that when she hears news like this, she is ridiculously loud in responding.

You shush her as everyone looks at her, wondering what on earth could the loud person in a green scarf be hollering about at a quiet cafe at 10 in the morning. "Sorry," she apologizes as her eyes scan around the room. Then she turns to you.

"Why didn't you accept it?"

"Are you forgetting that I hate his guts?" Raising her eyebrows, she sighs in response. "This wouldn't happen if you kept your mouth shut."

"__, I get it, but think about it," she ignores the fact that she exposed you entirely and that truly, she was the reason why you were given this proposal. "You get to sleep in your shared dorm room, you'll sleep better, and you don't have to come home late while walking into something. You don't have to waste money on a taxi to come to my house and you don't have to wake up extra early just so you won't be late to your first class!" Soojin points out and all you do in response is slacken a bit in your seat.

"You're just saying that so I wouldn't have to sleep over anymore."

Soojin opens her mouth to say something but she closes it as you cock an eyebrow. "Nope, I tried to make an excuse, but I can't because that's basically the reason."

As you scoff, she chuckles into her latte. "Look, it's beneficial for me and it's way more beneficial for you." You shake your head, not agreeing before Soojin groans quietly. "__, stop being stubborn and letting your hatred for him get in the way of a good night's sleep. He obviously cares for you and—"

"It's probably just an excuse to get into my pants."

"Good!" She exclaims and you stare at her frivolousness. "You'll get a good night's sleep and the best sex in the world!"

Palming your forehead, you suddenly wished you disappeared along with the dust and dirt being swept away by the waitress who was sweeping the floor beside you— who also most likely heard what Soojin said a little too loudly.

"Look," she begins quietly, folding her hands together on top of her binder. "I think you should think long and hard about this. He notices that you're not there in your own shared dorm anymore and he notices that you're a walking corpse.

"And face it, you're not switching out of that dorm anytime soon, so you might as well suck it up and accept it, because as much as I am your best friend that will welcome you to my home with a bed and ramyeon noodles at your side, I advise you to take this proposal. If you don't feel comfortable with it after awhile, you can always drop it and I'll be happy to let you sleep in my bed again."

"Alright, alright," you huff at her urgency. "I'll think about it."

.

The next couple days of taking your time to think long and hard about your given proposal, you made up your mind after being late to your first class of the day for the fifth time and your professor finally calling you out for it in front of everyone— which was a very embarrassing moment in your life, considering that you were forced to explain your reason and your past reasons for being tardy. Not only that, but Soojin forgot to pick you up at the library one night (probably on purpose) and you were stuck with walking back to your dorm and having to experience another sleepless night.

So then, one night, you heard Taehyung come home and go straight to his room at 9 pm and you told yourself you wouldn't give in.

But after 2 hours of being stubborn, you finally knock on his door a few times and after a few minutes, the door swung, and you were faced with a shirtless Taehyung standing in front of you.

"__?" His voice groggy and confused. You almost felt bad that you woke him up.

"Alright," you say. "I accept your proposal."

"What–"

"I'm agreeing to your proposal."

It takes him a second or two and a few blinks to finally comprehend what you had stated until he finally nods.

"But," you start, a pointing a finger to his chest. "There are rules. You can't bring a sex buddy over. I don't know about you, but I'm agreeing to this arrangement mostly because I don't want to come in at the wrong time." Taehyung nods, but you shake your head at that gruesome moment you wished you could un-burn from your mind. "No lovey dovey kissy touchy stuff." He laughs, but seeing that you were actually very serious, he purses his lips, a small smile still evident. "And we can not tell anyone."

He scoffs, causing you to cock an eyebrow. "Why would I want to brag about sleeping with you?"

You roll your eyes at him. At least you guys were on the same page.

"And no feelings," you immediately throw in. "No growing feelings or attachments, none of it. If that happens, then we're better off sleeping in our own bedrooms."

Taehyung laughs. "Are you done?"

"If you try something, Kim," you warn and he stares at you, almost bored. "I will kick you off the damn bed and you can sleep on the cold floor."

"Noted," he chirps. "Do you want me to write it on paper or something?"

"Yes," you say and he's slightly bewildered at your seriousness, but he shakes his head and releases a tired smile.

"Tomorrow, okay? I think it's a little late to do that," he suggests and you blink at his straightforwardness. "Do you want to start now?"

You don't say anything, but instead follow him inside his own room. You notice that it was neater than you would thought it would be. He had some posters of art hung on his walls including some of Monet and Van Gogh, having you realize that you never thought him out as someone who would appreciate art. His bed was slightly messed up, but that was because you woke him up from his sleep, and it suddenly occurred to you that that bed had its moments where you were admittedly scarred from.

"Wait!" You say and Taehyung groans, his form already made comfy in his own bed disturbed as he sat up. "In my bed. I'm not sleeping in that bed."

"You're so picky," he utters in annoyance beneath his breath and you glare at him.

"Well, excuse me if I am uncomfortable knowing that you had others in your bed," snarking back, you begin to walk out of the room into yours where your bed was still made and folded neatly. "And put on a shirt!"

Taehyung follows you in, throwing a plain black shirt over his head as you went to your designated side of the bed and he climbs in after you.

As both of you have reached your comfort, you sighed and stared out at the window with the view. Suddenly, you felt a sudden pull from your waist and you jump in surprise at the feeling of Taehyung's arm wrapped around your waist, pulling you close into his chest.

"What are you doing?" You ask, your voice alarmed.

"Spooning," he answers tiredly.

"Did I not say—"

"Relax, we're just spooning. Everyone does it."

You bite your lip and nod ever so slightly and you try to follow his words and relax, but how could you when all you could feel his breath down your neck and his torso against your back.

"Why are you so tense?" He breaks the silence and sighs in exasperation, making you slightly relax to prove a point.

"I'm not tense," you snap.

"Is it your first time spooning?" His breath fans your neck, causing you to grow goosebumps along your skin, and you suddenly to regret this decision.

"Y-yeah," you admit. "Sorry, I'm not used to this."

"It's okay. There's a first time for everything," he says quietly, and you slightly smile at the fact at how adorable he sounded tired. "But just relax, just pretend I'm not even here."

And you listened to his words where you closed your eyes and tried to forget that the one person who you feared as a child was sleeping beside you, and for some reason, you felt a whole lot more safe than you were before.

.

That morning, you were awakened by the blazing sound of your alarm clock and the first thing that hit you that strange morning was that you were not alone in your bed. Then the sudden struck of realization hit you like a bowling ball knocking over pins when you realized that you had willingly agreed to his proposal and willingly led him into your bed and willingly let him spoon you.

Your dorm mate stirs beside you and groans. "Can you shut that off?"

Rolling your eyes, you throw your knee against his side, making him lift his head with a startled motion before laying it back down onto your pillow with eyes drooping back shut. "Get up," you say and you watch as he grabs his phone from your nightstand and checks that he woke up 2 hours earlier than usual.

"We still have 2 hours," he groans, shifting his body towards you so that he can pull you in again. Shaking your head, you slap his hands away and sit up, tying your hair into a messy bun and stood up out of bed.

"2 hours until our first class," you state, throwing on your slippers. You had to admit, you felt more energized than the other mornings you encountered. "Get up and go for a run or something. I'm going to get some coffee and no way am I letting you stay in my bed for the remaining hours."

Taehyung raises his head from the bed, a small sleep smirk plastered on his face and you just knew what he was going to say. "I take it you had a good sleep last night?"

You didn't answer because admittedly, you slept better than most nights.

The next night was the same. However, you came home late and you found him sound asleep on your bed, leaving your spot open, as if he was waiting for you. It was an odd image coming home from another tiring day to see your dorm mate was fast asleep in your bed— not only that, but he was fast asleep, practically still waiting for you.

You couldn't help but crack a smile, though, knowing that this boy who has the ability to have you mentally kill him has given you the slightest feeling of warmth inside of you.

But you told yourself not to let this feeling take over, because it was apart of the contract (which you still have yet to put on paper) and you knew that he was your middle school bully, so there shouldn't be a tiny bit of care in this arrangement, but somehow and in some incredulous way, you felt secure being beside him.

"Stop touching me there," you groan again, slapping his hand away from your hip. "What happened to just spooning?"

Taehyung releases a loud grunt in exasperation as you two were trying to get into a very comfortable spot for 20 minutes, but it was always you who did not like the fact that he had his leg over you, his hand at your hip, or his face nuzzling into your neck as it made you ticklish.

"Okay, __," he takes an annoyed inhale. "It's either you're big spoon or I'm big spoon. And please, make a decision fast. I'd like to get my sleep, if you don't mind, of course."

You sigh, rolling your eyes at his sarcasm. Tossing around in your spot to face him, eyes shooting daggers at him, even in the dark, you decided on; "I'll be big spoon."

Taehyung stares at you with tired, but irritated eyes, but finally sighed, and turned around in his spot. At that moment, you wrapped your arms around him, along with throwing your legs over him, and it felt like you were hugging a big pillow. But, concededly, it was very comfortable than the other positions where nothing could have worked.

"Better?" He inquires, and you nod, eyes closing shut.

"Better," you assure.

.

"What's your excuse?"

Taehyung and you were facing the same problem a few nights later: a sleepless night. Staring at the empty ceiling and engulfing into the loud silence seemed apparent to both of you, but you both assumed that one of you would fall first and go to sleep. But an hour of tossing and turning, eyes blinking, and mind awake, Taehyung couldn't help but break the silence first.

"What?" You asked in a hushed tone, confused on his question he was asking.

"What's the reason why you can't sleep? It can't just be your pillow," he simply asks.

You two weren't showing any contact. Your back was facing him as he lied on his back, staring up at the ceiling. Sighing, you might as well tell him why.

"I can't sleep without my pillow," you mumble, waiting for every single snort or snicker to elicit from his mouth, but he just stares at the ceiling, unfazed. So you continue. "I got it from my mom. She had insomnia and ever since I was born, she slept in the same room as me and somehow, I helped her sleep a little better at night. But when high school started, that's when I had trouble sleeping and—"

You peer over at Taehyung who had averted his eyes and had been staring at you the whole time, eyes curious as to what you had to say while you caught yourself from letting something fall out of your mouth easily.

"My mom had business trips," you state. "So that pillow helped me cope with that."

Taehyung nodded, him being a bit suspicious to your hesitation mid-explanation. "So, that's why you can't sleep without a pillow, and why you go over to Soojin's, huh?"

Nodding, you pursed your lips. "Something about feeling safe when I'm the most vulnerable helps me sleep better at night."

He nods again, eyes staring at yours, and even in the dark, you can still make out his chocolate eyes. You notice he parts his lips a little bit and it took you a moment to understand that you were staring at him, and he was staring at you, a spark of who-knows-what kindling between you two.

However, he smirked, knowing that you were feeling the same thing as he was, and that was all the warnings you needed before you turned your back towards him again, cheeks growing red and eyes staring out at the city through your window to keep your heart from beating so loudly.

You hear a low chuckle, and it makes you bite your tongue as you pull the sheets closer to your face.

"Goodnight, __."

.

It became a cycle after a few weeks. You knew that you wouldn't be able to get a switch until after the semester so it was better if you got accustomed to this arrangement. One day on a weekend, when you both were not busy and were surprisingly stuck at the dorm together, he had surprised you with the contract you agreed to on full card-stock paper. On top was written 'THE BEDTIME CONTRACT' in big fat Sharpie letters and there were the few rules on there that you verbally announced, but did not think Taehyung would memorize.

1. The first rule is to not ever speak of this arrangement outside of this dorm room.

2. Second rule is lovey dovey touchy kissy stuff is not permitted; as said by the woman herself. (Except for spooning, cuddling, and other techniques that will help make the other party go to sleep).

3. Final rule, no attachments. If feelings or attachments begin to spark, it is best for the other party to confess first to initiate the separation of both parties sleeping beside each other, and to nullify this very contract.

Signed by,

You signed your name and Taehyung signed his in black ink and it became the official statement of The Bedtime Contract.

Not knowing how, but the contract has made you become more comfortable with Taehyung. You've learned that he did mature— except the times when he would procrastinate on his homework and play Overwatch— and you've learned that he's not so much of a bad guy. He's helping you sleep, for one, and sure he's got his cocky smug moments, but he seems to care about you more often than you think he would.

You don't feel a sudden distaste for him when he calls you at night, wondering where you are.

"Where are you?" He would ask in a bored tone through the phone as you were just entering a coffee shop.

"Getting coffee? You want anything?" You say back as you pulled out your debit card.

"No, just come home," he would state through a heavy yawn and hang up.

You don't feel a huge discomfort when you realize he's next to you in bed, snoring away.

As you walked into your room after a long study session, you noticed Taehyung hugging a pillow and snoring as your side of the bed was empty. His snores were soft, but audible and as you climbed into bed after changing and brushing your teeth, you felt a new feeling grow in your stomach when you stared at him all vulnerable right beside you.

And you cursed yourself for staring at him a second too long because he wakes up to your eyes staring at him. As you freeze at that moment knowing he was going to say something cocky or say something inappropriate, you hold your breath until he just sighs and closes his eyes again.

"You're back," he would say groggily and you let out a subtle breath of relief.

"Yeah, studying sucks," you reply and the only thing that ended the conversation was his soft low chuckle as you both went to sleep.

You don't have this huge urge to punch him anymore when he greets you in the morning with his sleepy smile and groggy voice.

"Good morning, sunshine," he greets with a moan as he stretches his arms up high. "How was your sleep?"

You open one eye to give him a tired glare, but you somehow appreciated the drowsy smile he had plastered on his face and the way his hair was a little messed up that you groan and turn away from him, biting the smile that was unwillingly being forced upon your lips.

"5 more minutes then?" He chuckles as you try to hide your growing hot face with your fleece blanket.

Hell, you suddenly forget your past with him when you're with him in the moment.

It's become this new feeling you've grown used to that you don't get terrified when he's the bigger spoon; you don't get confused when he's talking to you at night; and you somehow feel invulnerable when you sometimes wake up in the night and see that he's there beside you.

Maybe it's you going crazy and way out of your mind, but you had to admit, ever since he made that proposal, you felt more safe.

A few weeks and you both have grown on each other, and you don't know

"Have you ever dated anyone?" Taehyung ponders one night and you flip around to face him, eyebrows scrunched.

He cocks an eyebrow and you chuckle. "Once. In junior year for a month."

"A month?" He asks in bewilderment. "Why a month?"

You shrug. "I guess I can't commit to commitment."

Then, a smug look grows on his face and you knew that he was going to say something smart. "You're committing to our plan—"

"If you keep talking," you start, a scowl painted on your face. "I'm not so sure if I want to continue committing—"

"Okay, okay," he starts and you smile at him.

"Have you dated anyone?"

Then it was his turn to chuckle. "Yes, many. Usually the longest are 3 months."

"Girlfriends?" You press.

"One," he admits, yawning. "2 years, but ended it a couple months back." You nod, not pushing any further, knowing it wasn't your business, and because your eyes were drooping close as the silence drags on after you don't verbally reply.

"__?" Taehyung chides, you slightly being awakened, eyes still closed.

"Hmm," you hum and maybe it's just you, but you think he's going to say something after seconds have passed, or maybe you just didn't hear him loud enough.

"Sweet dreams," he finally says and you're falling asleep.

.

"You have a weird... taste."

"It's not weird," you scoff and he nods his head vigorously.

You both were grabbing something to eat as you both were disturbed by your late night hunger and you only agreed to cheeseburgers with him because he offered to pay.

"I think eating the cheese burger without the vegetables is pretty weird," he says with a very concerned face.

Rolling your eyes as you both sat down at a booth after ordering, you just shook your head. "My tastebuds are just different from yours, buddy."

"But really? A plain cheeseburger? Not even with lettuce? Or the sauce?" Taehyung gawks at you as if you just murdered someone and you simply shrug.

"The sauce is too sauce-y and the vegetables just ruins the whole point of a cheeseburger."

"It adds to the point of a cheeseburger," he retorts and you sigh, shaking your head. "I can't believe my roommate has Plain Jane tastebuds."

"Just wait until I order a drink— it's not so Plain Jane as you thought." And Taehyung snorts at that, eyes glistening and you knew he was going to take you up for that.

And he did.

After you grabbed your burgers, he drove you both to a smoothie place just to see your order— and prove that your tastebuds are NOT plain— but you weren't complaining. Free burgers and free smoothies? You couldn't say no.

As you finish looking at the menu, you order the Green Beam Smoothie that included apples, spinach, kale, orange juice, and a few grapes, but as you were ordering it you asked for the grapes to be replaced by ginger, and to add some strawberries. The cashier even looks at you a little weird when you said that the ginger shouldn't be blended with it, but just inside the smoothie.

"Ginger," Taehyung says in awe and you smile.

"Ginger."

"Do you plan on eating it or something—"

"It adds to the point of a smoothie," you mimic him earlier and Taehyung catches on, glaring at you as he ordered a simple Strawberry Smash Smoothie.

.

One random afternoon after your physics class, you came to your dorm a few minutes earlier than Taehyung would have arrived. But, after 20 minutes or so, you heard Taehyung come in.

You came out of the bedroom to find him, stumbling to kick his shoes off, and his stance, itself, wobbling. "Taehyung?" You call and he looks at you with eyes that looked tired.

"Taehyung, are you okay?" You approach him with worry seeing that as he was beginning to walk, his legs were barely standing on themselves. "Tae, what happened?"

"I'm fine," he whispers. "I just... have a headache, is all."

You knew that it was not just a headache as he could not stand properly. Dragging him into his room, you let Taehyung lie on his bed. "You should sleep."

"No, I'm... I'm fine," he breathes out and you shake your head, adjusting his pillow as you watched him close his eyes and fall fast asleep. He was wearing the clothes he wore to class today and it looked like he was cold as he hugged his arms around his torso. Quietly, you grabbed one of his fleece blankets from his closet and placed it over his shivering body, leaving him to sleep as you walked out of his room.

That night, you crawled into his bed beside him and caught yourself staring at his face. He looked tired and drained when he came into your shared dorm with no balance, and as you watch him sleep, you wonder what caused that.

"You're staring," he abruptly says, and you jump slightly as his voice.

"Sorry."

Taehyung opens his eyes slowly and drowsily, a small curl of his lips growing as he sees you with a worried look. "You look distressed."

"Well, you looked like you were about to faint," you retort causing him to snicker. "What happened earlier today? Were you tired? Did you not sleep well last night because I didn't come home?"

"Partially," he admits with ease. "Should have told me earlier that you were going to be at the library for the whole night."

Mouth opening, you shake your head. "I fell asleep on accident, okay! I didn't realize it until someone poked me in the face and said I was drooling on the text book." Taehyung sonorously laughs, making you purse your lips at the musical sound of his laughter. As it died, you were left with silence again. "What happened?"

"I guess I never told you this," he sighs before you begins. "When I made that proposal, it wasn't meant just for your benefit. I guess, I never told you that I have insomnia and I take sleeping pills a lot to help me sleep. But after awhile, I stopped."

"Did you take some last night?" You inquired and Taehyung responds with a nod.

"It was just a few, but the side effects kicked in and that's why I came home with wobbly legs and drowsy eyes," he laughs, but you don't. You were too busy staring at him with worry and care that it was hard for you to even get the slightest bit of irritation from him.

"So is that why you offered me sleeping pills that one time?"

Taehyung simply shakes his head up and down. "I don't take them anymore, but partially that's thanks to you."

Silence.

But partially that's thanks to you.

You bit your lip as the silence grew louder and louder and louder—!

"I lied."

Taehyung swirled in the bed to face you, eyes grazing your face with so much care as if it was the most normal thing to do, even if it made your cheeks go a little warm. "What did you lie about?"

"When high school started," you began slowly. "My mom didn't go on a lot of business trips."

Taehyung rose an eyebrow.

"She died," you admit slowly, your heart stopping at that second as you paused, staring at Taehyung for his reaction to only get an unreadable expression. "I grew up sleeping beside her every night. And when high school started, she died in a car accident and somehow, those nights haven't been exactly the same. The only thing helping me get at least 5 hours of sleep at night is the pillow that she sleeps with."

He didn't say anything, but you continued.

"I didn't sleep for awhile after she died. I slept with that pillow and sometimes, when my sister would come from her many trips, she would sleep beside me to help, but she's gone all the time. And when I found out I left my pillow at home, I didn't know what to do so I've either dealt with it or went to Soojin's. Then the whole agreement happened, and now I sleep better when I'm sleeping beside you."

"Why are you telling me this now?"

"I just- I just wanted to tell you, cause you know... we're sleeping next to each other— you told me why you couldn't sleep at night.... might as well tell you the real reason why I can't sleep."

Yes, it was unusual telling him everything you never thought you would tell, but as those words left your mouth, you didn't want to take it back. It was your truth and you began to trust him.

He couldn't help but chuckle lightly. "I guess we both need each other."

You look at him with a fixed gaze. "Yeah," you agree and he gives you this look that made your breath hitch.

.

"There's a party tonight at Namjoon’s," Taehyung began slowly and apart of you wanted to say no to his incoming question, but you let him finish anyways. "You coming?"

"I don't go to parties—"

"Ah yes, the goody two-shoes that never once partied even in high school, who would've thought," he taunts and you look up from your laptop, narrowing your eyes at him. "Come on, it's just a party. We'll be back before 1 and we can sleep."

"I'm good," you imply, shaking your head but Taehyung did not accept it.

"You're going," he affirms and he's pulling you by the wrists, making you divert your attention to your essay about whales to fighting the obstacle that was in the way of you and your preferred way of spending your Friday night.

Many yells and protests of you yelling 'let me go!' later, you were somehow at the party, surrounded by a new world of party people you have never encountered, in a striking red sweater he threw at you from your closet. At that moment, you wanted to hot wire Taehyung's car and drive yourself back to the dorms, but you couldn't do that because you're already in the middle of a maze, with Taehyung lost in sight.

You remember him saying: "Stay put, I'm getting us drinks" but you knew he would get tangled up somewhere.

You inhale sharply, trying to get your way across the party animals that were let loose and you felt yourself become smaller each time you encountered someone who looked at you up and down.

Somehow, you managed to go upstairs, hoping to find a small room to lock yourself in and call Soojin for help, but you couldn't help but hear the hushed whispers of girls behind you as you walked by.

"That's Taehyung's roommate."

"Taehyung? As in Yurim's ex? Sharing a room with her?"

A high-pitched chuckle.

"I bet they're having sex."

"Well, no shit," one of them cackles. "Kim Taehyung will get into any girl's pants—"

And you pulled yourself away from the talks that you didn't want to even hear for yourself, a growing anxiety blossoming in your chest as you quickly pull out your phone to call Soojin, who finally answers after the fourth ring.

After pleading for help, you hid yourself in the downstairs bathroom where some people banged on the door, yelling at you to hurry up in there, but little did they know, you were having a tiny mental breakdown in the bath tub. Yes, partying is not your forte.

Half an hour later, Soojin calls you telling you she's up at the front waiting and you quickly run out of the house as if there was no tomorrow. A rush of relief washes over you when you see her waiting in the car for you, eyes worried at your state when you sit in her passenger seat with eyes glassy and face red.

"Do you want to sleep at my place?" She asks hesitantly before starting the car and you automatically shook your head, wanting to go back to your dorm— for some blank reason.

After a few hours getting back with Soojin making sure you were okay, comforting you with water beside your bed and telling you how shit her day was, she had to leave and finish an essay, making you feel bad that she stayed for you. But, as you lie in your bed, changed into pajamas and heart finally calming down, you heard the door open and shut, followed by the shuffles of feet, and you froze, praying that Taehyung didn't bring a girl home.

And just then, you hear your door swing open, the person, who you assumed was Taehyung, stumbles against the wall as they tried to kick their shoes off. As you turn to see it was a matter-of-fact Taehyung walking towards your bed and plopping right next to you, your eyes go wide as he immediately pulls you into a hug.

A very beer and gin-ly hug.

His breath smelled like he had too much to drink and the first thing in your mind that pops up was how did he get home, and you suddenly worried that he drove him by himself.

"Tae," your voice was muffled by his shoulder on your mouth. "How did you get home?"

"I'm sorry," he murmurs as he smacks his lips, as he avoids the question. "I shouldn't have brought you to the party and I shouldn't have left you alone. I'm sorry I'm late."

You were speechless. You didn't want to say anything, but he just kept going anyways.

"I should have been more considerate... and Soojin yelled at me for leaving you alone like that, but reassured me that you were back at the dorm and the first thing in my mind was coming back to be next to you and make sure you're okay. I'm sorry," he says. "Also, I'm glad you came back here and not to Soojin's."

You didn't realize that the one place you wanted to go back to was here, and when he points that out, you do a double take. "Tae, I'm fine," you state. "But, tell me you didn't drive home."

"No," he answers. "I had our neighbor drive me. I just needed to get to you."

And then, your heart stops. Not because he's hugging you tight, but because he's apologizing and he was drunk. He was drunk and he remembered to come back to you. He was drunk and he was apologizing. He was drunk and he was hugging you. He was drunk and the first thing that popped into his mind was coming back here with you.

And all throughout the name, that's when you realized something bad. Something horrible. Something that shouldn't have happened, but goodness, it did.

You broke rule number 3.

.

You told yourself that you weren't breaking rule number 3. Because how could you? Sure, he's sleeping beside you, but there are times when he would walk around half naked in your own dorm and even use most of your shampoo when he ran out just to piss you off. He would even eat the last banana and forget to throw the trash away, having you to walk out in the dark in the middle of the night in nothing but your pajamas and bunny slippers. It was something about him that infuriates you to the point where you threaten to move out, but at the end of the night, you were in his arms, fast asleep.

Sometimes you would stare at him and think that this was the view every girl wanted, and you'd scoff, only to realize that his face became evermore ethereal the longer you stared.

And one night, you told him that he could sleep in his room and lied that you were going to be up all night on a project and he understood and went to sleep in his own bed without questioning further. And the next night, you didn't come home that night, but you sent him a text telling him that Soojin and you had an essay to work on. And the next night, you came home right after he knocked out in his own bed. Sure, you could say you were avoiding him, but you had to.

You didn't realize you were avoiding him until Soojin asserted one night that avoiding him won't last long, especially because of that contract. And it suddenly hit you that you were, indeed, avoiding him.

So the next night, you slept beside him, but immediately fell into a deep slumber before you acknowledged his arms around you. And the morning later, you were approached by one of your RA's who had gleefully greeted you with a surprise that someone was gladly willing to trade rooms with you. Out of pure automatic response, you approved, and your RA gave you some details and said would e-mail you later about it.

Admittedly, you thought about yourself and how beginning of the school year you would respond to that, so you accepted any chance you got.

However, when you were signing one of the forms that the RA sent you, it just occurred to you what you were leaving— and whom you were leaving. But deep down, somewhere in that crazy heart of yours, you knew that you were doing this all for one reason; you were hopelessly falling for your roommate and the only thing you could do is to stay away from him as much as possible.

.

The next nights was a breeze as you were approaching midterms. Productivity gave you the opportunity to fall asleep early and easily, but the night just right before the midterm, you were wide awake and Taehyung sensed it easily.

"Why are you still awake?" He whispers, groggily.

You shrug slightly. "Can't sleep for some reason."

"Spooning?" He suggested and you find him stirring before you could answer and throwing his arms around you. Once you felt his weight, you held your breath. "Just close your eyes and sleep."

You don't say anything because you were too busy trying to make yourself faint to sleep as each of your cells died due to the lack of oxygen you shut out as you pursed your lips together. The noise of your thumping heart sounded like it the only thing you could hear, but as time continued, it got louder and louder. And louder. And loude–

"I think I'm in love with you," Taehyung confesses through his sleepy voice, and you feel yourself paralyzed entirely in your spot. In your head you hoped to the gods up there that he was just saying that because he was dreaming or he meant it as a friendly gesture, but it suddenly felt a little too warm under his embrace.

In your mind, you're thinking of ways to escape his arms, but after waiting, you realize that he doesn't say anything afterwards and you could hear his soft snoring take place.

You still held your breath.

.

"What is this?" Taehyung asks, causing you to look up from your laptop, eyes shooting straight to the form that you were supposed to give to your RA that he held in his hand. Flickering your eyes from the form to his eyes, your lips parted slightly, unable to say anything. "Were you just going to leave just like that?"

You stood up from the table, a lump growing in your throat as you walk towards him.

"I made the request a week after move-in day, after I found out that my roommate was a guy I didn't want to associate myself with," you start, only for Taehyung to furrow his eyebrows at you. "But, there was a long delay, and they found someone who was willing to switch just last week."

"Last week—?"

"I was going to tell you!" You exclaim, eyes averting to the ground. "But, I didn't know how to tell you after you told me you may be falling in love with me."

He scoffs, tossing the paper onto the table next to him. "So you were just going to pack up and leave?"

"I didn't mean for this to happen. I was hoping to leave without knowing you, but then we made that deal and I—"

He cuts you off, shaking his head. "You were going to leave me anyways."

That night, he slept in his room, and you guess it was the best, knowing that you both already broke rule number 3.”

Steadily, you entered your room when Taehyung was already in your bed. You approach him slowly and sat on the edge of the bed. Before you began to spoke, you felt that he wasn't asleep. Not fully.

"Taehyung?" You whisper.

He doesn't respond and you reply with a heavy sigh.

"I'm sorry," you mutter, eyes staring out your window. "We don't have to sleep together tonight, if you don't want to."

"__," he finally says. "Lie down."

Ignoring his demand, you try again, "Taehyung—"

"It's fine, __. Just lie down," he groans and you bite your lip.

"No, Tae, I'm sorry," you continue. "I didn't mean for anything to happen and it was just... me being dumb and inconsiderate."

He doesn't say anything and you question if he was enjoying this or not.

"Look, I'm sorry, if you're too angry for me to sleep beside you, I'll sleep on the couch toni—" Before you could finish your last word, you heard a frustrated groan release his lips and felt a grip at your waist, pulling you under, and next thing you know, you were in a position where Taehyung's face was resting in the crook of your neck and his arms were secured around your body.

You felt your heart stop as you felt his breathe on your neck and surprisingly, you couldn't seem to breathe.

"I'm not mad," he says, voice muffled by your hair and you feel yourself grow warm on your cheeks. "I may be a little upset knowing that you won't be sleeping beside me anymore, but it was nice hearing an apology from you."

You crane your neck to look at him with a baffled look. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"The stubborn, adamant girl finally apologizing for her wrong-doing?" You feel his smirk on your neck. "That's something you don't hear everyday."

Stifling a laugh, you couldn't help but smile a little bit at his joke.

"But I mean it," you start with sincerity. "I'm really sorry I didn't tell you sooner."

Taehyung sighs and you feel his grip on your waist tighten. "It's fine, Y/N. We'll talk about it in the morning."

"But—"

"I'm tired," he states. "Let's just sleep, okay? I want to cherish these last few moments with you before you leave."

You only respond by snorting as you saw his faint playful smile on his lips, but yet, you don't say anything. Instead, you nod slightly and listen to the steady breaths of Taehyung falling into a deep slumber. Minutes go by and then half an hour goes and you're still wide awake, finding the comfort of his breathing consoling along with his arms that you felt the need for him to hug you tighter, but that very thought had your heart racing and you would sigh out loud.

"You're not going by the contract," he states out of no where making you jump a little in his arms. You feel him adjust his position so that he's looking at you in the corner of your eye. You slowly turn your face to him, not peeping a word. "You know, I think I really might be falling in love with you."

Eyes flickering to him, you trip on your next words. "W-wait, w-what—"

"I'm falling in love with you," he repeats, yawning. "And I could kiss you right now."

But before you could say anything, he smacks his lips together and you could see that he's falling back to his deep sleep while you stay up thinking about his words that made your heart palpitate.

The next few days, you both don't really acknowledge the fact that you're moving out as much as you thought and the nights you spend together were the same, for the most part. You just only acknowledge the fact that he was breaking rule 3 as well, and every time you both go to bed together, you always expect him to say something, but he doesn't. Maybe he was just dreaming, his mind creating a fictitious character that made him confess his feelings— or maybe he was thinking of someone else, and maybe he thought you were that someone else.

However, Taehyung just hugs you, pulls you in close, and you both fall asleep.

As the time had come, you were packing your things when Taehyung wasn't home, and as you were packing, you realized how much you were going to miss your room with the spectacular overview of the city lights that comforted you. You were going to miss the comfort of the dorm itself, and most importantly, you were going to miss him— yeah, never thought you would say that, huh?

As shocking as that may have been, having Taehyung as a roommate didn't seem so bad. Looking past the times he purposely annoyed you to the point where you were dying due to lack of sleep because of him, you realized that he was a good cuddler. Not only that, but without him, you wouldn't have thought that sleep was an option after accidentally leaving your pillow at home. Plus, he could make some good breakfast.

But, as you were packing, you realized how much you wished you didn't agree to move out, no matter how much you from the beginning of the year wanted to, you suddenly will miss having good night sleeps and you will definitely miss him, entirely.

Taehyung, who comes in later that night, sings your name as he enters the home. As you were moving boxes out into the living space, he smirks at you as you approach him. "I have a gift for you. Call it a parting away— even if it's only a hallway down— present."

Chuckling lightly, you roll your eyes playfully. "Wow, thanks."

"Close your eyes," he says and you rose an eyebrow. "Just do it. It adds to the surprise of it."

So you closed your eyes, pondering what on earth could he have given you? Sleeping pills? Probably never going to take them knowing that they give you major headaches. A life-sized cut-out of him? Probably something he would do.

But, as you heard the shuffles move toward you and some weird quiet scuffing noises, it stops and you embrace for the surprise.

"Okay," he says slowly. "Open."

As you open one eye, you see Taehyung with a wide grin, but as you looked down to what he was holding, you covered your mouth with your hands in shock. "No, you did not."

"I did," he sings. "Aren't I the best roommate you could ever have?"

It was your pillow.

The pillow that you always had to sleep with in order to fight your sleepless nights. It was the pillow that you were to scared to call your father and ask to bring it due to your promise to him about being independent. The pillow that you didn't think you'd see for a while, until you visited him, but it was right in front of you, in a flesh.

"How'd you get this?" You ask.

"It's called 'calling your father and telling him to mail it'," he says with a cocky tone. "I don't know why you couldn't have just called him."

"I made a promise to him to not call him unless it was an emergency!" You frown as you see the amusement painted on his face. "I could only attend a college far away from home as long as I stay independent!"

"Being sleep-deprived is an emergency," Taehyung states as he shakes his head.

"Well, thank you," you smile. "This means a lot."

"You're welcome. I know you're not going to sleep so well without me—"

Eyes rolling, you smack his arm with your pillow and he dodges it while laughing. "I'm kidding— not really. But, I know that you're going to need the pillow someday. But if you ever need a sleeping buddy, I'm just across the hall."

You smile at him. "Thank you, Tae. Really."

"No worries— oh! Also," he says, digging into his back pocket to reveal something that has been folded 6 times. As he unfolds it, he clears his throats. "As we split ways I believe that it is my duty that I now pronounce that our contract has been officially... nullified."

And you laugh as he tears the written contract down in half.

"I question us sometimes," you admit and you both laugh into fits. As the laughter disseminates into the air and dies down, you only purse your lips together as you stare at each other. "So, what happens now?" And you know the hope in your eyes were painfully evident, but who were you kidding? You could tell they twinkled and glistened as you both stand there, but what on earth were you exactly hoping for? You weren't exactly sure and when the next words rolled off his tongue;

"So, I'll see you around?"

You felt that glistening twinkle of hope in your eyes dwindle and you were left to give a smile.

"Yeah, of course."

.

One night, you got drunk. Count on your new roommate, Joohyun, to get you drunk— in the most safest way possible, of course. However, you realized something in the midst of your nth glass of wine, that you needed to go to someone.

And there you were, Taehyung confused as to why a drunk __ was in front of his doorstep, a huge wave of emotions just washing over you as you were giggling when you felt tears prick your eyes.

"__?" He asks, running a hand through his bed hair.

"I'm sorry," you say, hiccuping. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

"__? What are you— come inside."

As he pulls you inside, you feel your mouth release these endless string of words that even confused you. "I'm in love with you and I didn't realize it until I couldn't sleep at night even with my pillow because I realized you're one of the reasons why I can finally sleep well and that's because I feel safe when I'm beside you... and I need to know if you feel the same— if you still feel the same because even with my pillow, I can't feel safe without you and I—"

"Do you want to sleep in my bed for tonight? My roommate went to visit his grandmother for a few days," he finally cuts you off and your endless babbles while pushing you towards his room.  

"No," you meekly push him off, but you see that he was amused at your drunk state. "I need to know—"

"Can you just lie down?" He exasperatingly groans. "It's killing me that you woke me up and you're here and you reek of alcohol and you're apologizing for something you didn't do—"

"Then why— why..."

"Why, what?"

"Why did you say you were in love with me?" You quietly inquire before hiccuping again. "Then when I left, the most you've ever said was a 'hi' to me. Why did you say it? You obviously didn't mean it." And safe to say, you were starting to be fully aware of what you were saying and even though this whole confession and admitting something to the other is scaring the shit out of you, you cleared your throat. "Sorry, I just..."

"Why do you keep apologizing?" Taehyung grumbles and you stare at him. His hair was really messy that it made you giggle inside at the few strands sticking out and bangs all over the place. His pajama choice was a large t-shirt and some checkered pants that you familiarly recognized.

"Because I broke rule number 3," you decreed. "And I broke into our dorm— I mean... your dorm— and I don't know. I guess... I guess I'm sorry for hoping to get an answer from you that I don't even fucking know and I don't know what I'm expecting, but I'm here, sitting on your bed trying to make sense of my own words and I'm... I'm sorry."

He doesn't say anything and you feel yourself grow embarrassed, but as time progresses, you only heard a tired chuckle elicit his mouth. "Well, I broke rule number 3 first." Peeking up at him, you saw that he was wearing that cocky grin you both knew so well and it oddly comforted you. "I don't know what answer you want from me... but what I said to you about being in love with you— it still stays. And safe to say that I still am breaking rule 3, but we'll talk about it tomorrow when you're completely sober."

"Wait," you pause, eyebrow raising. "So... you're still in love with me?"

Taehyung laughs as he kneels down to take your shoes that you would always wear off and set them aside. "When did I—"

"Because if you are," you interrupt as you didn't realize that he was moving around the sheets around you so you could kicked your feet up onto the bed. "I don't mind."

In response, he chuckles and a part of him wishes that he recorded what drunk __ said, but he took the liberty of cherishing the moment of watching your drowsiness take over as you fall into a slumber. And dare he let himself bring his fingers to stroke your hair gently, allowing them to comb through your hair that still smelled like your shampoo.

And in that epoch of contentment, he felt himself smile slightly as he thought that seeing this view in front of him every night and every morning for the rest of his life didn't seem too bad.

that next year

"How did we manage to get the same room together again?" You ask in wonder as you grab your boxes from out of your car.

Taehyung stifles a laugh as he grabs one of your boxes that sat on top of other boxes, while you grabbed another box that you labeled as your desk materials, you smiling at him as he helps you with your stuff. "It's gotta be fate."

You laugh at his reply. "You did something, huh? Let me guess, you probably flirted your way with the RA. Maybe killed someone... no, I bet it's something bizarre... like secretly being the great nephew of the Dean bizarre."

You hear Taehyung laugh at your theories. "Sure, being the secret great nephew of the Dean will work." As you both reach the elevator, you both stand in the silence together until he breaks it first.

"Did you bring your pillow?" He questions and you look at him, a smile growing on your lips as the elevator opens.

Stepping out first, you laugh. "And if I did?" You say as you kick open your front door and set your boxes down into the living area. When you set it down, you were immediately swept off your feet as Taehyung grabs a hold of your waist, pulling you closer, making you squeal at his swift motions.

"Then I guess we don't need to renew our contract," he mutters, making you get goosebumps along your arms. Giggling, you raise your eyebrows at him.

"I guess we don't," you agree.

Taehyung smirks amidst the small proximity between you two. "Then I guess... we can break rule number 3 all we want."

[tumblunni]

Rambling about my new watchholder oc Mallory

* absolute gremlin child. Eats dirt. Probably more of a monster than most of the yokai.

* at the same time tho, she is like super sunshine friend! She looks kinda gloomy ominous but her personality is actually super bubbly and her biggest priority in life is making new yokai friends and loving them forever. Like, creepy in a wholesome way? She does indeed love horror movies and creepy crawlies and could probably fistfight god, but that doesnt mean she's evil!

* kinda always bored but also easily exciteable? One of her biggest recurring jokes is just ignoring the normal or sane solution to a thing and doing something more fun even if its more difficult or dangerous. Actually i guess its more "fearless" than bored? Or bored of fear, lol. Fearless and doesnt really give a shit about any rules. But again not in a mean way, she doesnt break rules because she wants to piss people off, just like "im not gonna believe this if nobody bothers explaining why its supposed to be so important". But not exactly phrased like that cos that would be rude, lol. So uhh more like just relateable autism feel of not grasping social cues but mixed with a personality thats quite outgoing and uncaring of being judged poorly for not being normal, as opposed to me who's always worried about what people think.

* oh wait thats the word for it!! Free-spirited! Trickster! Like a peter pan type of trickster tho, more than loki. Like just "i am naturally outside the obligations of normalcy" rather than "i am intentionally trying to prank/illusion/manipulate people cos its funny". Or uhh i guess "manic pixie dream girl" but without all the stupid shit that trope has got associated with.

* pretty much just wish fullfillment of "what if i was confident enough to not care what people think and just act like myself no matter what"

* anyway in summary she likes to climb trees n stuff and her reaction to yokai being real is "yay" and her reaction to seeing an undefeatable giant kaiju is to run at it and try and suplex it with her bare hands. She's kind of a badass! Tho lol also her biggest character flaw is her badassness, cos she can be reckless due to the lack of fear. But then also sometimes when everyone is hopeless she really does manage to save the day no matter what, and help inspire everyone else to be brave too!

* though i'm thinking of maybe a character arc where she starts off seeing this as just a fun adventure with no stakes, and it doesnt matter if you take risks cos nobody's gonna get hurt anyway. Like a "this isnt really real, its just my hero's story" sort of thing? When things start getting more dark and she faces things she cant just defeat with simple optimism, it kinda stops being fun anymore. And she has to realize that even if she doesnt care about her own self preservation there's consequences that could happen to her friends and family. And maybe she's already made mistakes that she can't take back, and now she's neck deep in a conflict thats a lot bigger and more insurmountable than she thought. You can't just fistfight something like the abstract concept of hatred for humanity which will continue to be perpetuated as long as the idea keeps taking root. And maybe even yokai you befriended could start to believe it too, after all you've kinda been treating them as just fun toys and sidekicks on a story that's all about you, and dragging them into danger with your recklessness. Even though you're fighting the villains, are you really doing it because you actually care about saving the day? Do you even know what you're saving it from...?

* and similar to her unflappable victoryness being shaken, i think her fearlessness and confidence could also be deeper than they look on the surface. I feel like maybe as the story goes on it could be revealed that its less being fearless and more just not caring about her own safety. You start to see her get more actual consequences from her fights, and it starts to become sort of concerning that she keeps brushing it off as no big deal. Laughing it off. Wondering why her friends are even sad that she got hurt. And maybe she isnt really happy all the time and 100% secure in who she is, she just tries to hide any signs of doubt because she feels like nobody would care. And that she has to always be the funny class clown or else nobody would want to be her friend. And like.. She doesnt even really believe that she's great, believe that she's fine as she is. She's more aware of her weirdness than she lets on. She's constantly, paralyzingly aware that everyone thinks she's a freak. She did use to try and change herself to fit in, but she kept failing at it and it never helped her get any friends. Or when she did think she made a friend they'd turn on her whenever she slipped up and showed a crack in her mask of the perfect normal person. The perfect normal person they wanted her to be.. Constantly changing into WHATEVER anyone wanted her to be. The only reason she doesnt do that anymore is that she lost all hope in it working, not that she actually gained confidence in her true self. And even when she's npt conciously doing it she's still subconciously trying to be what people want her to be. She has to always be funny, always be fearless, she has to cling to the few parts of her weirdness that people dont seem to hate. And now she has to be the hero. She has to carry all the dreams of everyone she's met along the way, while never letting them know when she's scared she wont be able to help make them come true. She's always just laughing it off and never being fully open with any of her friends, because she's scared they'll hate her. ..

* so uhh.. Yeah. Personal experience of that. Personal experience of trying to fit into negative stereotypes of autism because thats what everyone saw me as no matter how hard i tried, and also it was the only form of autism theyd treat positively, somehow. Like just be the "funny one" and dont challenge any of their assumptions ans they'll leave you in relative peace. Put up with some degree of degredation to avoid the even worse version. And i was doing all of this at a very youbg age before i even knew i was autistic or what autism was, but i could still feel how people treated me differently and how i had to friggin agree with it or else they'd never let it go. Gahhh.. It was all way too complicated and dark for a kid to understand!

* so yeah anyway her story arc is going from being a badass funny to being a funny badass? Like she just becomes more genuinely tough and cool when she's not always winning and the stakes dont seem so low and comical AND most importantly you know her real feelings and see that she will indeed continue fighting even when she's scared. And she doesnt try so hard to be cool all the time so it just lets her be more genuine. And form actual relationships with everyone with genuine feelings. So its less "she is badass because its funny" and more "she is a badass because she's a badass". But she's still funny, just in more varied ways than simply "the only reason she won this fight so fast is because jokes". Fighting legit threatening enemies in fights that arent over in five seconds. So they can contain... SEVERAL joke..!!! And also some actual fighting for once!!

* hhh i dunno i am very tired im probably not explaining this well

* oh and i think possibly she has a bit of a complex of feeling she's nothing without her yokai watch? Like the yokai are her first friends who never abandoned her. And she always felt like she was useless and it was her own fault that she didnt have any friends. She first started off being all irreverent and goofy when she got the yokai watch cos she was well into her "i dont care anymore" phase of depression and felt certain these new friends would all realise she was awful eventually and leave, so like.. Why get attatched? Just have fun while it lasts. So maybe actually she shows early signs of her depression by trying harder to be normal whenever anyone shows her friendship. Maybe something where she starts straigjtening her hair or dressing more feminine and then you just see this look on her face like her heart has shattered when someone agrees that she does look better now. (Maybe a new yokai she recently caught who was like super cool and she wanted to impress them?) And she gets compulsively obsessed with it, exaggerating it to a ridiculous degree and starting to change other parts of her appearance and everyone goes from giggling about this weird circumstance to getting REALLY DAMN CONCERNED! And in the end something something the yokai who was an asshole abput her needing to be more feminine slips up and shows his true assy colours to the other yokai and theyre like IT WAS YOU and he's like "what? You should be thanking me for fixing your shitty trainer!" And Then Everyone Beats Him Up Forever. Etc etc moral that real friends accept you for who you are and anyone who tells you you have to change to impress them is not worth impressing. Also maybe some aspect where the yokai dude thinks that mallory is trying to impress him cos she has a crush on him, and thats the moment that manages to snap her out of her depressive funk. Self hate overrided by sheer EWW NO IM A LESBIAN, DUDE i just liked ur cool hat, geez. (Wait was that entire plot idea just an excuse to find a way to foreshadow her getting a crush on hailey in yw3...?)

* and maybe i dunno some sort of dramatic episode where she loses the ability to use the yokai watch and is faced with her self worth issues all at once and its super fuckin sad and we all know eventually she will get to see all her yokai friends again cos the plots not gonna end before finishing all the games but still MEGA SUPER SAD MOMENT ANYWAY (also tearful reunions!)

* also i just heard theres a yokai called furgus thats a big adorable hairball that gives people big hair. So maybe that could be one of the comically easy victory episodes? He uses his power on mallory but her hair is already too fluffy to be floofed! Maybe it backfires and turns his own hair into a boring bowl cut, lol? And then maybe a sequel where he returns for revenge a million episodes later but it just so happens to be during the maddiman boss fight and he accidentally cures his balding. "Noooo dont thank me nooooo" *is forced against his will to become a popular advertosing mascot for hair cream* *like straight up just gets sucked into the nearest bottle and sealed like a genie* *cursed forever to fame and fortune and a million dollar salary*

* lol i dont think im as funny as the actual yokai watch writers but i have a few ideas at least. This will be fun to draw!

[rex101111]

Why Candy Coated Fury by Reel Big Fish is the best breakup album ever-a song by song analysis that no one asked for by me

 A few years back my first relationship ended...roughly(not abusive or toxic, just one-sided and unfulfilling, and I broke it off), and a big reason as to why I was able to move on and laugh about it was because I spent the first few months listening to this album non-stop, allow me to go over each song and explain why:

1. Everyone else is an asshole: Okay, so technically this song isn’t about breakups or love or whatever, but it being the first song on the album gets you into the proper mindset.

 People are shit, that facts makes you feel shitty and angry, and you wanna talk about and maybe laugh about it. 

It’s also a super cool song if your just in need of venting some anger on account of someone rubbing you the completely wrong way.

2. Punisher: That’s more like it. Again, not a song specifically about love, but about a person who just can not take a hint and LEAVE. 

Perfect for those ex-partners that just can’t seem to leave you alone even though you have made it clear that it is over. Or maybe towards people who don’t seem to get that they’re not your type and are Not Welcome.

It’s quick, it’s angry, and most importantly, petty as all hell for when you just do not have the strength to be polite about it anymore and decide to be honest about your feelings, very cathartic.

3. She’s not the end of the world: The first proper breakup song, and it’s not angry or spiteful, but regretful as all hell. 

It tells of a guy who’s girlfriend just broke up with him and he is not taking it well at all, he’s talking with his friends (the backing vocals) about it, begging them to put him out of his misery because he just can’t wrap his head around the fact that she’s left him. 

He actively wants his friends to change his mindset about this and convince him that, well, “she’s not the end of the world”. Except that he can’t change how he feels about it, he’s just bummed out and, right now?, she is the end of the world as far as he’s feeling, his friends joining him on the final verse to indulge him in his sorrow in solidarity. Funny, overly dramatic, and heartfelt in a way that makes you wanna sink into your couch and sigh, perfect.

4. Don’t let me down (Gently): Okay so this one is a cover of a song by a band called The Wonder Stuff (I think) so listen to that version too but I still think Reel Big Fish’s cover is super cool.

A couple is on the verge of breaking up, the singer is very well aware of it and has already mostly accepted the eventuality of this relationship not lasting much longer, and just wants his partner to get it over with and get to the point.

A song to hear when a relationship has reached full on burnout and you lack the energy to keep it going, when you don’t want your feelings to be spared and just want both you and your partner to move on with your lives. Bittersweet and sarcastic tinged with resigned acceptance.

5. I Know You Too Well To Like You Anymore: A bit of a curve ball! And my personal favorite song on this album. Not a breakup song, but a love song disguised as an anti-love song!

A once lovey dovey couple has since grown embittered and jaded about each other and their relationship, and have decided to uh...”air their grievances” so to speak. And both sides have plenty to say to each other, letting each other have it with no restraint and no tact whatsoever.

The girlfriend’s possessiveness, the boyfriend’s absurd expectations of her, her violent comments, his lack of maturity, on and on they rant and rave until the very last verse devolves to the both of them firing petty insults at each other back and forth culminating in them shouting “I wish you’d go to hell!”

But...in the end the fact that they still love each other, despite how much they piss each other off, is the thing they lament the most. Because this song isn’t about a couple hating each other, not really, instead it’s about the time after the “honeymoon period” during the start of a new relationship, when it’s truly tested in the face of the annoying habits of your partner that you just can’t ignore anymore, and the mental image in your head of that person breaks apart.

You don’t like them anymore...but now you love them. Ain’t that a kick in the teeth?

6.  Hiding In My Headphones: One of 3 songs on the album that don’t really fit the theme directly in anyway, but is still a pretty cool song.

A short and relaxed Ska/Rap about the singer making the whole world go away when they have their headphones on, a brief escape from the anger and sadness of the previous songs to give you a breather.

7. I Dare You To Break My Heart: Back to business, a straight up Anti-love song.

A guy in a brand new relationship lets his bitterness over past pain get the better of him, he believes that this will end just the same as always, and only tries to enjoy what he can while angrily daring his new partner to try and make him feel something when she leaves.

A distinctive message of sour grapes if I ever heard one, the singer makes all sorts of excuses over how this time won’t be any different, even going so far as to say that, even though he’s enjoying this, he’s resolved not to let this hurt him this time, even if it ends up pushing his partner away.

Self inflicted tragedy hidden under angry bitterness...also super fun to shout along to the chorus while you’re driving.

8. Your Girlfriend Sucks: An outsider perspective this time, and honestly probably the funniest song on the album for my money.

The singer’s friend has an absolutely awful girlfriend, hence the title, and the singer is making it his mission to try and get his friend’s head back on straight before their friendship suffers for it.

It is hilarious start to finish, the singer has no filter whatsoever as he regales his friend with the myriad reasons that his partner is a fucking monster, perfect for when your friend is in a sucky relationship and they don’t see it.

8. Don’t Stop Skankin’: Another song that doesn’t fit the theme and...yeah I got no idea.

It’s a, mostly, instrumental piece that’s just kinda...there. 

It is actually pretty catchy...y’know, for an intermission piece, next!

9. Famous Last Words: And the last song that doesn’t fit the theme! Ah, well, least it’s good.

A singer laments a writer’s block and/or the feeling that he’s reached the end of his rope, creatively speaking.

Another good song to get you in the melancholy mood.

10. Lost Cause: Back on track with this rockin’ song. Sad but oh so catchy.

The singer is in a relationship that’s on the rocks, and he feels like his partner is starting to give up on before him and he feels more than a little helpless, but tries to argue his case any way.

He grows more and more desperate as the songs continues, singing more and more loudly hoping to change his partner’s mind, only to admit at the last moment that “I’m a lost cause.”

Very Cathartic when you feel like you’re the only one who cares and don’t know what to do about it.

11.  I Love/You Suck: In a similar vein to “Know you too well”, but significantly more bitter and less hopeful.

A singer complains about how his once happy relationship has fallen apart and his partner has grown cold and mean spirited. And more than anything he despairs over the fact that he knows he needs to end it, but he just can’t bring himself to do it.

The whole song is him building up the strength to say what he feels without justifying it with a half hearted “I love but”, focusing on how everything went to shit in their relationship, eventually just ending on him repeating the phrase “I think you suck” with what can only be a relived smile as he finally got it off his chest.

For those feeling very conflicted over your partner and need to get your thoughts in order

12. P.S. I Hate You: The most straight up aggressive and angry breakup song on the album, and the most triumphant.

The singer, fresh out of a horrible relationship with someone he just hated, decides to let his ex know exactly how he feels about her and what they were, and how glad he is to finally be rid of her and how awful she made him feel.

The whole song is one giant middle finger to the ex, the singer utterly unapologetic in his anger and makes no bones that, right now, he is more happy and giddy than he has ever been with her.

The last chorus is just the singer belting out his angry and unwavering goodbye, shouting at the top of his lungs as he leaves to start his life anew.

The absolute perfect song to hear after you end a bad relationship with an asshole, treat yourself and scream the chorus at the end with all the pent up anger and frustration your ex had ever given you, you’ll feel loads better after.

13. The Promise: And in sharp contrast to the rest of the album, the previous and first songs especially, the very last thing you hear is a simple and gentle love song.

A new relationship is is blooming, and the singer makes a promise to his partner. He promises that, what ever might happen in the future, what ever bumps there may be on the road, he’ll always try his best to be there and love her as much as he can.

So long as she trusts him and loves him back, that’s it.

He promises to help whenever her temper gets the better of her, to apologize if his own temper escapes him, and to always be a friend to her. It’s tender and vulnerable and adorable.

It might be in conflict with most of the rest of these songs, but its a good one to end on, giving you hope and reminding you that, for all the anger and strife that a relationship can bring, it should always start from someplace good and loving and happy, which I think is a great message to end off on...before you start the album over and sing about how everyone except for you is an asshole 

IN SUMMATION: This album has a great variety of songs looking at the subject of love/relationships/and breakups from all sorts of angles and perspectives, making more likely that you relate to at least one thing on here, and it even has a few outliers to keep you from getting too stuck in your head while you listen.

So yeah buy this album somewhere if you can, it’s great.

[angelofthenightposts]

Feel it still.// Ch.1

 New Beginning; n. 1 a start; commencement. 2 often pl a first or early part or stage. 3 the place where or time when something starts. 4 an origin; source.

Series Masterlist. | My Masterlist.

“I still can’t believe she is kicking you out.”

You take a big sip of your coffee and nod as your friend, Michela, finally catches up on the big news. You glance out of the boutique café, people are crossing the sidewalk. The guys in the fancy suits are probably on their way to the nearest restaurant for a lunch break; a group of teenagers messing with each other.

You reply to her without taking your eyes off the street. “She’s a bitch! Even after everything she’s done, I didn’t kick her ass out, but just because her girlfriend doesn’t like me, now I have to find a new place. “

  You moved into a small condo on the other side of the city a half and years before, but thanks to the economy, the rent kept getting higher and higher for you to pay it without eating bread for the rest of the month and well, as anyone with the same problem would do, you rent the other room. At first, there was no problem; Maria was just the kind of girl who knew how to have fun, she was a few years younger than you, still in college but it didn’t matter at all. After meeting a girl named Lisa at a frat party a few weeks ago, well, they became a couple quickly after. You, of course, tried to respect their honey moony relationships as much as you could which meant that you stayed out of their sight and gave the couple some alone time since all they did was eat, sleep and mostly fuck. But quickly after her girlfriend started to piss you off; you already knew Maria was messy, it was easier to pick up after her rather than confront her about it, and history was full of your failed attempts to convince her to tidy around. But Lisa, she was something else; she acted like she never heard of the detergent or trashcan before. They were turning the condo into a piece of crap; one day, after your shift at the bar, all you wanted was to find a clean and quiet home, but as you walked into the loud party which you weren’t informed of, things got pretty problematic quickly. Hence Maria did pay most of the rent, she had this idea of overpowering you, and oh boy, she was wrong.

“You can stay with me if you want.”

You look at your childhood friend, Michela and you have been friends since you were nine years old, and shake your head no. “What, no, your roommates are even worse than Maria.”

“Well, what are you going to do then? Can you even rent a flat on your own? “You roll your eyes to her question. You are twenty-five, but your hands still tremble every time you have to check your bank account. Of course, you aren’t broke but don’t earn enough to have the luxury of living alone either. You check the wristwatch your mother gave you as an 18th birthday gift only to notice that your shift is going to start in one hour.

"I don’t know. There has to be someone who’s looking for a roommate, right. I looked at ads on the internet all night, they were full of crap, but at the end of the tenth page, I think I found one. We’re going to meet at Varuna. “

"Okay, that’s a good idea; I’ll send you if I can find a good one in case this one goes wrong.”

You give her a nod with gratitude as you stand up and wear the leather jacket you placed on your chair, “If your friend doesn’t want to live in a cardboard box, she should go and earn some money. I’ll see you at Varuna later tonight. “

You lean over to kiss her left cheek before you grab your cardboard coffee mug, and Michela yells at after you, "Be careful, try not to kill anyone.”

//xxx//

You stop wiping out the wooden counter, it is all shiny and clean from spilled beer, and check the time. The clock on the wall shows nine o'clock, and there is still no word from the people you are supposed to meet.

“What are you thinking about?” David, who got the job a few months after you, asks; his hands full of empty beer bottles he picked up. He is a cool guy, you became good friends in a short time, and he’s fun to work with. “The possibility of living in a cardboard box in the back alley…”, you answer with a big sigh, even the idea of it makes you shiver.

“You know the couch in my living room is always available to you, right? It’s warmer, more comfortable, and safer than the box. "

"Thank you, Dave, I appreciate your offer, I really do, but I can’t stay on your couch.” You grab one of the cold beer bottles and he rolls his eyes at you.”I’ve already spent the last few days at your house.“

You leave the semi-full beer on the counter and pat his back before a group of women walks towards you to order drinks.

 Most of the nights, the bar is crowded; full of patient customers. But tonight is different, as you can’t understand where all of these college kids suddenly find this place, David comes back with another orange juice bottle; tonight's favorite drink to order is apparently some sort of a cocktail, a mix of orange juice and vodka. You lean forward to hear what this young girl is trying to order but it’s too loud to understand her. She does her best to make herself loud and clear but Rihanna is louder than her. It takes a couple of minutes more to figure out she just wants to close her tab and you let David take care of it. You are tired; it’s less than an hour before your shift is over.

The man sitting on a barstool lifts his empty glass and you walk to your left to refill it. You take another sip of your glass full of vodka; being a bartender has privileges, and you love it. "I mean, I love her, you know? Even though she cheated on me, I want to go to her and beg until she takes me back. “

From the moment he walked through the bar door, he is telling his problems with his girlfriend, or his ex-girlfriend. You can’t take it anymore and put your hands on the counter to lean over him.“Dude, if you want a piece of advice; leave that girl behind.”

That is just one of the phrases that you had to memorize to tell troubled customers.  The other ones are, “This will pass.” “I’m sorry for your loss.” “So your boyfriend dumped you, too bad.” He sighs heavily and you know he would continue to talk about it until he can’t even remember his name. Your problems are enough; you don’t need to listen to others.

“Hey, baby! Please give me a drink, anything.” Michela sits down on the empty stool and leaves her handbag on the counter. “The shooting took so long, I am exhausted. I don’t get paid enough to boss around by newbie photographers. ”

She chugs the tequila shot you put in front of her and grimaces as the liquid burns her throat on the way down. You lift your hand, “Slow down, girl.”

“How are you doing?” she asks you, clearly feeling better after the shot.

“I still have a chance to live in a cardboard box. The person I was supposed to meet didn’t show up.”

You watch Michela taking her phone out and she turns it over to you, you squint at its bright screen to see it better. “Then you’ll be delighted to see that. I found the perfect place for you. “

It is an ad for a condo a few blocks away from the bar; you scroll down to read the information and hear someone calling out for her. "Yeah, yeah, you want a beer, wait for a fucking minute! “

The rooftop apartment was nice, nicer than you expected; the empty room is spacious and has a big window. According to the description, the walls are painted in Palladian blue and have Zambaiti Parati wallpapers. You can’t help but think that whoever wrote it is interested in decorating; because you have no fucking idea what Zambaiti Parati is. "Is it weird that the rent so cheap for such a beautiful place? It would be terrible to meet a pervert or a person living with five hundred cats. “

Michela takes her phone back as she rolls her eyes, “I think we’re talking about a cute girl here. Haven’t you read it? It’s not like something a maniac would write. And you don’t have many options so you should definitely check it out. What more do you have to lose? “She is right; you literally have nothing to lose.

//xxx//

The next day, you’re on the sidewalk across the apartment building, it looks like an old building, you’d be suspicious if it were a rich-looking one, but it is clear that it has recently been redecorated. After a quick elevator ride, you find 4A, but before ringing the doorbell you do your best to make yourself presentable; your clothes are wrinkled and you still smell like heavy alcohol even though you changed your shirt with what Michela gave you and put deodorant. You just hope that they don’t think you are an alcoholic.  You take another deep breath and repeat yourself, “It’s all going to be okay.” A couple of seconds later, a blondish, six feet tall man opens the door and you smile at him, “Hi! I’m Y/N. I’m here for the ad. We’ve talked on the phone, texted actually. ”

He gives you a nod and moves aside and you take it as a sign to enter. The flat fascinates you as you stepped in; it is decorated with simple, elegant furnishings, and it has an open floor concept with big windows from the ceiling to the floor. On your left, there is a hallway; probably the bedrooms are over there.  You stop staring around as he introduces himself, “I’m Steve, by the way.”

“It’s so nice to meet you, Steve. You have an amazing condo.” He walks to the kitchen area and opens the cabinet to grab two cups, he points at the coffee machine next to the fridge and you nod at his offer. He leans his back against the kitchen counter and takes a sip of his coffee after he leaves yours on the kitchen island. You study him head to toe; he is a masculine man and has the same body type as a fitness model, you wonder if it’s his job since he looks like one. Michela would eat him up if she wasn’t so busy to join you, but he’s not your type.

“Thank you, I could show you the room if you like.” he clears his throat and your cheeks turn bright red for getting caught while staring at him.

“Um, that would be great!”

“Dude, you should’ve seen how Sam struggled with the birds on the rooftop.” Before you take another step behind Steve to the bedroom, two men walk in through the open door, you only realize that there is a balcony door next to the armchair on your left. They notice you and stand still at the same time you turn to look at them. One of them is African-American, probably in his early thirties, and has a stern expression on his face. The other one looks much younger, he has shoulder-length black hair and he is also shirtless; he first arches his left eyebrow and then gives you a snarky smile. “See Sam, our boy finally meets a beautiful girl.”

You frown and open your mouth to clear this misunderstanding but before you can even say a word, Steve folds his arms over his chest and coughs, “Guys, this is Y/N, she is here to see the room. And this jackass is Bucky. ”

“Oh is she? That’s better news. “Bucky puts his hands on the pockets of his black jeans after you shake hands; it is so clear that he is a total playboy, no need to rocket science to understand that.

"Sorry, we’re not looking for a female roommate.” You turn your head to look at Sam who by the way never spoke since he walked in. His arms are crossed over his chest, and he’s staring at you, you feel like he could kill you with his gaze.  

You try to hide your frustration behind a bitter smile; you really liked the place and didn’t think you’d be rejected. “Um, I should get going then, nice to meet you all.”

"Wait, wait! Let’s not rush this one.” Bucky stops you at the door, he looks at his friends, mostly Sam, over his shoulder and then turns you around with himself, you have no choice but to walk back in with him, “Why don’t you look at the room while we discuss? See if it’s good for you, I’m sure you’ll like it though.”

”Really?” you ask surprised, keeping your eyes especially away from Sam. ”Okay, where’s it? “

"It’s at the end of the hall, the door on the right,” Steve replies as he points with his index finger.

 It is ten minutes after you left the guys alone to check the room; you all are back in the living room. They are sitting on the big grey L-shaped couch, and you chose the armchair across from them. Sam doesn’t seem too happy about the final decision and it gives you hope.

“When I first saw the ad, I thought you were a girl.” Steve lifts his eyebrows as he tries to understand what that’s supposed to mean, you clear your throat, “Well… It isn’t something that a man like you would write. I think it’s cool that you know the color of the Palladian blue. “

"I told you to not write that.” Bucky says with a big grin forming on his lips and Steve glances at him and tells something about how much he hates the phrase, “I told you so,”

“So, what do you do? If we’re going to live in the same house, I think we need to know you better. “Sam puts an end to their bickering and you think an answer to his question. You, of course, want to impress them but you can’t figure out what their reaction would be when they learn about your job.  They don’t look like they would be judging type, for you there is nothing wrong, but still well except Sam; you have to be careful with your answer until you get the keys.

"Well, I am a bartender; I’ve been working in a bar that’s not far from here. I’m twenty-five; I don’t have a boyfriend or a pet. “You tell them in one breath before they ask another question about your personal life.

“You work at Varuna, right? Now I know why you are so familiar. We usually hang out there, I saw you there a few times. ” You look at Bucky; you can’t remember seeing these three men before. But the bar is usually so crowded, even if you saw them before, you just wouldn’t remember. So you decide to play along and nod at him as you push a lock of your hair behind your ear.

“Guys, I don’t want to rush your decision but my shift is about to start. So am I renting the room or not?” you ask after you check the time.

“Are drinks on you to celebrate?” You grin at your new roommates when Steve asks you. You feel so relieved that you want to cry right there. You all stand up and walk to the door after you say, “Of course!” Steve grabs the keys in the bowl on the cabinet before taking his jacket and hands the keychain to you.

[chaoticghost21]

1-100

Oh shit, that's all of them. Ya know what, its midnight and I'm really fuckin stoned let's do this motherfuckers1. What is you middle name?Cheyann2. How old are you?18 (19 in less than a month)3. When is your birthday?April 22 4. What is your zodiac sign?Taurus but on the cusp of aries and Taurus 5. What is your favorite color?Probably blue or purple 6. What’s your lucky number?217. Do you have any pets?5 dogs8. Where are you from?Oregon in the us9. How tall are you?5'510. What shoe size are you?10 in women's11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?9 i think but they all have holes in then and are ratty (other than my vans and my brown boots that are technically my mom's but they're mine now) so i really only wear one pair of converse12. What was your last dream about?All Time Low broke up and I had a meltdown public. like in this dream i fell to the ground screaming no and i was in public then yelled that this day was worse than March 2213. What talents do you have?I can draw, paint, bake, craft, play flute, sing, write, and compose music14. Are you psychic in any way?Possibly, I've definitely had some moments but idk15. Favorite song?THIS IS THE HARDEST QUESTION EVER. FAVORITE SONG IN GENERAL? RIGHT NOW? WHAT? HOW DO I ANSWER??? UMMMM SUMMER STAINED BY BROADSIDE BECAUSE ITS BEAUTIFUL AND I LOVE IT16. Favorite movie?Either The Lovely Bones or The Perks of Being a Wallflower17. Who would be your ideal partner?I have no idea but can they be respectful, nice, have musical ability, and a good sense of humor please?18. Do you want children?Yes but I want to adopt19. Do you want a church wedding?No20. Are you religious?Nope21. Have you ever been to the hospital?Yes, many times, sadly22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?Yes, when I was little me, my older cousins, and their friends got yelled at by cops for not having bike helmets but me being me I said I didn't actually live anywhere around there and my helmet was at home and this wasnt my bike (all true) so the cops let me go back to my aunts house while they continued to yell at the other kids23. Have you ever met any celebrities?Yeah, I met Tim, the bass from Home Free24. Baths or showers?Showers 25. What color socks are you wearing?They are Gryffindor colors26. Have you ever been famous?No but I've been on the news many times (i wanna be famous though)27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?Yes, i would love to be because i wanna hello people with my music the way music helped me 28. What type of music do you like?Like rock and any subgenre of rock (pop punk, punk, alternative, metal, post hardcore, etc)29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?Nope30. How many pillows do you sleep with?4 because that's all i have, sadly 31. What position do you usually sleep in?On my right side32. How big is your house?Small. We have 3 rooms but they're all small with tiny bathrooms, tiny kitchen, and tiny living room. I hate that all i have in my room is a queen size mattress and I barely have room for anything else33. What do you typically have for breakfast?Nothing34. Have you ever fired a gun?Yes, a few times35. Have you ever tried archery?No, i was offered the chance but i was too pissed off at the person to take them up on their offer36. Favorite clean word?POMEGRANATE37. Favorite swear word?Either motherfucker, asshat, or shitass38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?Over a week39. Do you have any scars?Yeah, on my hand, legs, and belly button (hand: idk, i accidentally stabbed a pair of scissors into my hand while craftingLegs: I'm really jumpy and someone threw a remote past me to someome else and i was sitting on the arm of the couch and fell off when i flinched and landed into 2 plastic storage boxes 40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?No, people don't like me that much41. Are you a good liar?Yep, I've lied a lot in my life and no one knows 42. Are you a good judge of character?Sometimes43. Can you do any other accents other than your own?When I talk a lot I accidentally go into an Australian accent and I don't know why or how. I can also do a southern and British 44. Do you have a strong accent?Nah dude, pacific west coast, we don't got that much of one45. What is your favorite accent?AUSTRALIAN OR IRISH46. What is your personality type?idk my dude 47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?My prom dress from 3 years ago 48. Can you curl your tongue?Nope49. Are you an innie or an outie?Innie50. Left or right handed?Right51. Are you scared of spiders?Terrified52. Favorite food?Pizza or teriyaki chicken53. Favorite foreign food?If what I get at my local sushi place is considered foreign then that54. Are you a clean or messy person?Messy. I'm so cluttered and scattered its not even funny55. Most used phrased?I'm gonna play this song 56. Most used word?Fuck57. How long does it take for you to get ready?15 minutes without makeup or making my hair look nice anywhere from an hour to 2 of I wear makeup and make my hair look nice58. Do you have much of an ego?No, I pretend to though. Fake confidence helps me59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?Suck but sometimes I get bored and decide to cronch60. Do you talk to yourself?Yes, I sometimes need expert advice and no one else I know is smart enough to give it to me (aka what I say to assholes who mock me for talking to myself lol)61. Do you sing to yourself?ALWAYS. I sing without knowing62. Are you a good singer?I think so, I meann that's what I wanna nake a career out of so I hope I am63. Biggest Fear?Dying without making an impact or difference in the world or not accomplishing my dreams64. Are you a gossip?No, unless you screw me over65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen?Idk whats considered drama, other than Disney movies, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, The Lovely Bones, and Tolkien movie, and a few others I really only watch horror movies66. Do you like long or short hair?Looonnggg (I cut my hair short when I was little and it never grew back the same and I hate it)67. Can you name all 50 states of America?I think so but don't ask me ANYTHING about capitals 68. Favorite school subject?Music69. Extrovert or Introvert?An extroverted introvert ( I'm pretty introverted but it really depends on my mood)70. Have you ever been scuba diving?Nope71. What makes you nervous?Everything72. Are you scared of the dark?Yes73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?Sometimes74. Are you ticklish?VERY75. Have you ever started a rumor?No76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?No unless you count me being the leader of my choir, the flute section, and my old friend grouo77. Have you ever drank underage?Yeah which is how we found out I'm allergic to alcohol78. Have you ever done drugs?If marijuana counts then yes (I'm under the influence right now)79. Who was your first real crush?No one, I've never actually has one80. How many piercings do you have?None81. Can you roll your Rs?“No82. How fast can you type?Idk, pretty fast though (taking typing classes all elementary school helped that. They got tired of us so they made us do Mavis Beacon so they could get away from us and not have to teach us)83. How fast can you run?Not very, I have shitty knees and can barely walk (not a joke)84. What color is your hair?Really faded red but will be bright blue soon85. What color is your eyes?Green86. What are you allergic to?A LOT. Cats, alcohol, dairy products (lactose intolerant), pollen, like 5 different kinds of weeds, grass, a little bit to dogs, i think I'm a little bit to weed, bed bugs, dust, mold, flea shampoo, and I think that's it87. Do you keep a journal?No88. What do your parents do?Watch TV and smoke weed89. Do you like your age?Eh not really I'm almost 19 and haven't accomplished anything, no job, can't drive, still in high school90. What makes you angry?Many many things. Disrespect of any form is the biggest one though91. Do you like your own name?Eh, its okay. My mom told me the other name she had picked out for me and I wish she would've gone with that one (Kassadee Cheyann or Devyn Taylor... I'm emo as hell and seem slowly becoming more punk. Devyn would've fit me wayyy better)92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?I've thought of a few. I've always had either Ansley, Quinn, Spencer, or Talia for a girl and Jayden or Jace for a boy or Ash for any because I've always liked that name (fun fact I used to go by Ash or Ashton when I was questioning gender in high school [gender fluid] so my friends called me that)93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child?Any, I don't really care. Gender doesn't matter to me at all94. What are you strengths?Imma copy and paste from my resume lol...Back from my resume and this is what it said: Dexterity, public performance, customer service, directing, leading, persistence, competitiveness, creativity, sound discrimination, listening, and writing95. What are your weaknesses?I'm afraid of everything, I'm very paranoid, and I have anxiety and depression96. How did you get your name?There was some character on a TV show my mom saw while pregnant whos name was Cassidy but my mom wanted a better spelling 97. Were your ancestors royalty?Doubt it98. Do you have any scars?Yes... This was also #3999. Color of your bedspread?BLACK100. Color of your room?White. My room is boring and I've never done any decoration in it.DONE. I DIDN'T REALIZE THIS TOOK ALMOAT AN HOUR HOLY SHIT

[snowwolf1118]

Humans Are Weird: Women’s Edition Part X

Wow! We’re at Part X already! I can hardly believe I have committed myself to this point (which isn’t very far to be honest). Also, I honestly have no idea how long this series will be, but I can assure you it will last for far longer than you’d expect.

Also, my apologies for not posting an update sooner. I started writing Part X weeks ago, but then I realized it was too far ahead, so I decided to save it for a different time. Then I started writing another Part X, but again, it somehow needed to be saved for future posting. And now we have this post! The beginning took me a couple of tries to start, but then it started coming naturally. After that, it was the ending of this post that gave me trouble. I rewrote it about five or six times. Something kept feeling wrong about the endings. However, I am satisfied, or as satisfied as I can be and I hope you all are, too.

Now, let’s return to the story. It involves some POV hopping, as usual, and a good dash of humor. At least my type of humor! :)

Part I >> Part II >> Part III >> Part IV >> Part V >> Part VI >> Part VII >> Part VIII >> Part IX < > Part XI

“LET ME OUTTA HERE, YOU PIECES OF SHIT!” Straining her muscles against her restraints, Jay’va lurched toward the goons as they passed by her cell on their usual guard route, but again, she stopped short. The pirates had her bound to her cell wall, like a caged beast, but it was for their own safety after all.

When she had first awoken in the med-bay, she had caused an incident. When they transferred her to her cell, she caused another one. A few of the goons had to be hospitalized and, as a result, the others kept a tentative distance from her, even when they delivered her daily meals. At first, it was amusing, but it soon lost its luster after the fourth day.

Now it was the fifteenth day of her captivity and she was pissing mad. The accumulation of being treated like a wild beast and having no social or physical contact was driving her mad and making her mad. Cyborg always said cabin fever caused madness in humans left in isolation, but he never mentioned how it could incite anger, too. Her anger.

I wish he was here with me right now, she thought, he always knows what to do. Always. Sighing, Jay’va tried not to let her anger mix with her sorrow. She tried not to let it get the best of her. She knew if her crew saw her like this, they’d lose faith in her. Gotta stay strong. Stay strong. As she chanted the words in her head, she heard the faint footsteps of the goons patrolling the prison halls.

Shoving her emotions aside, she forced herself to calm down. She needed to calm down. Calm down, Jay-Jay, calm down. Remember your yoga. Cy wouldn’t want you pissing like this. Though she knew that was the truth, it was difficult to follow through with her breathing exercises because just seeing the goons again pissed her off.

Bucking like a wild mookeige, Jay’va screeched at the goons just as they reached her cell. She chuckled as they gave a little start. You would think these idiots would remember me by now, she smugly thought, but they never do―

“Well, I see isolation has done nothing to damper your spirit, Col. Heth Jay’va,” the new voice startled her.

Completely taken aback, she couldn’t even think of a witty, madness-drive comeback. She could only stare at the lifeform before her and feel shame wash over her. It was difficult to explain, but the deference she felt shook her to the core. It was unsettling. Maybe this was what humans mean when they pray to their gods and God? This absolute feeling of submission toward someone greater than them.

It was terrifying.

“I see you’re speechless. Good,” said the lifeform as they lowered the quantum-particle barrier separating them, “it makes things easier. I am Captain Zeelot of the Frek’jon, the magnificent ship you and your crewmates are captive on.” Jay’va remained silent, too overcome by her emotions to respond, her mind too muddled. The lifeform, Captain Zeelot, made a strange noise. Maybe it was a sound for displeasure? She didn’t want that, but she couldn’t make her jaws move.

Whatever it meant, it didn’t matter because Zeelot was approaching her with one heavy step at a time. The fear wafted off her like smoke from a fire. “Heth,” Zeelot murmured her name and cupped her cheek with one of their hands. It was so warm; it had been so long since anyone had touched her, she leaned into their embrace. “Hmm...that’s better. Golok, Rue’oth, release her,” they ordered the two goons.

“But Captain―” “She’ll kill us― ” exclaimed the goons.

“Silence,” Zeelot cut them off, “don’t make me repeat myself.”

The goons wore wary expressions, but she hardly noticed anything. Warmth. Touch. It had been too long...

Watching as Jay’va fell to her knees once released from her restraints, Zeelot marveled at the effectiveness of the pheromone concoction Krellion had created for them. Regardless of Krellion’s mental state, he still managed to create some of the most potent pheromones to subdue ferocious H’hish like Jay’va.

It was wonderous how, just moments ago, she was foaming at the mouth, ready to kill the guards, but now she was as docile as a reika-booj. Clucking, they knelt before her and began massaging her cheek. “Isn’t that better, Heth?” they cooed.

Jay’va nodded. “...feels good...” She was completely at their mercy. It was entertaining how easily the pheromones had taken over such a vicious H’hish.

“I’m glad, Heth, because I want to keep you and your crewmates comfortable, but I’m having a rather difficult time with that. Would you help me?”

They watched as Jay’va dumbly stared at them, so lost in the pheromones. They debated strangling until she whispered, “I want...I want to help. Let me help...” With great satisfaction, Zeelot knew with this, they had won.

Rising, they motioned for Golok and Rue’oth to handle the rest before giving Jay’va with a few parting words. “Answer all their questions truthfully for me, Heth. The more truthful you are, the sooner your crewmates will find comfort like you have.”

“Yes...” Jay’va mumbled.

Turning to Golok and Rue’oth as the lifted her, Zeelot assured them of their safety. “This batch of pheromones won’t wear off anytime soon, and since this is her first time experiencing kulgo pheromones, it will take even longer for it to dissipate from her system.” And with that, they were gone, leaving the rest of the work for the two of them to handle.

Entering their quarters, Zeelot found Murakami tinkering with an old service-bot. She’s taking to her duties well, they thought as they took a seat beside her, but she still refuses give up any personal information on her crew. Cheeky. “How do you like life on the ship? they questioned her.

Murakami didn’t spare them a glance. “Can’t say. It’s only been three days, but I suppose I can say I hate it and wish you all would die.” Yes, she was a cheeky human.

“I wish you wouldn’t say that,” the chided as they absentmindedly flicked a bolt off the table, “the others may take it the wrong way.”

“And what way would that be? I’d ab-so-lute-ly would love to know,” she sneered.

“Your sarcasm is not lost to me,” Zeelot murmured as they carefully raked their fingers through her short hair. They didn’t fail to notice Murakami’s muscles tense at their touch, or how she quickly forced them to relax. She refused to show her fear, but everyone feared them. “Murakami,” they leaned and whispered in her ear, “you can betray every single filthy piece of molongo on this ship, but if you betray me...if you truly ignite my anger, I will insure your life will never end. Understand?” they rasped before leaning back into their seat.

“I understand,” she finally said, her voice trembling.

“Good,” they said, taking the servant-bot from her and tearing it apart, “because this is your only warning. Don’t dare betray me again. Now get out.”

Murakami found herself dumbly standing in the hallway outside of Zeelot’s quarters, questioning herself about their abilities. How did they know what I was going to doing with that robot? How? It terrified her, this uncertainty. She had not even had the chance to reprogram the bot, but they knew what she wanted to do. Alright, stop panicking, Murakami. Don’t let them get to you. Clear your mind. Surely a reasonable explanation exists. Maybe a different slave tried the same thing as me. Maybe that’s why the bot was out of commission? Yes, that is right, she thought, breathing in a deep sigh of relief. That was the answer. One of Zeelot’s previous slaves must have tried to escape that way. It only made sense―

“What are you doing standing in the hallway?”

Giving a small yelp, she spun around to find Mel standing beside her. “Don’t do that. You nearly gave me a heart attack,” she exclaimed.

“Father cleared you of any cardiac conditions,” he said, waving for her to follow him, “so it is highly improbable that you almost experienced a cardiac episode.”

“It’s a figure of speech, kiddo. It means you startled or frightened me,” she deadpanned, following him.

Mel blankly stared at her, clearly not believing her. “Then why wouldn’t you say that I startled you?”

“You’re kidding me, right?” she asked, dumbfounded. “Are you actually suspecting I’m lying? Don’t answer that; it’s a rhetorical question. Let me educate you real quick about figure of speech.” She held up her hand and halted whatever nonsense he was about to spout. “Figure of speech exists everywhere in the universe and probably every alternate reality in existence―except in any reality where on this ship exists―and it’s words or phrases used in the non-literal sense for rhetorical purposes or vivid effects―”

“―Like your questions from just now?”

“Yes, just like my questions. Understand now?”

“Yes, I do. I have never had a proper conversation with another human before.”

“Really, I couldn’t tell.”

“...”

“Sarcasm. It’s irony used to mock or convey contempt.”

“...Then I suggest not using it in Father’s presence. Or showing emotion,” Mel said.

Murakami cocked a brow at him. “Is that why you’re such a killjoy? ‘Cause your crazy dad doesn’t like emotions? Don’t answer that. Anyways, where are we heading?” As she asked, she glanced around, not recognizing the darken hallways.

Mel shot what she would consider a smug look. “The prison cells for the cargo.”

“People aren’t cargo, Mel.” She nearly spat the word.

Mel briefly glanced at her. “Anyone can be cargo, Murakami. It doesn’t matter how unique or intelligent you think they are. If someone wants something and is willing to pay whatever the price for it, then the Frek’jon will provide it.

“In any case, I didn’t bring you here to discuss the ethics of slavery. I’m under orders to get information from you regarding your crew. Minute details such as personality traits, likes and dislikes, special talents; information not available from their personnel files.” As he spoke, Mel placed his hand on the wall, which somehow prompted the hallway to lighten up and reveal cell after cell filled with lifeforms of species she had never met, before continuing to walk down the hallway.

Wrinkling her brows, Murakami had followed Mel up until he mentioned the personnel files. That isn’t right, she thought as she tried to rationalize his words. The EMP wave destroyed all the digital files from the ship’s systems, so how would it be possible? She didn’t believe for a second Mel was lying to her. Though she had only met him a few days prior, she could already tell he wasn’t the type to lie about something like this, which again begged the question: How?

“Don’t lag behind,” Mel barked, dragging her from her thoughts. He was already at the end of the hallway.

Fucking shit. What a brat, she cursed as she took her sweet fucking time joining him. “Didn’t Krellion teach you manners when speaking to your elders?” she inquired once she caught up to him.

“Elders? No, he didn’t, but not like it matters. Most lifeforms don’t live long enough to be considered an ‘elder’. Anyways, like I said before, I need information on your crew, and you will give it to me.”

The way he spoke commanding her got on her nerves. “And why do you think I’ll tell you? Now that I know you’re trying to get information out of me, I’m a hundred percent unlikely to give it to you.”

Mel remained stoic, ignoring her words, as he placed his hand on the wall again and revealed a holding cell with a familiar figure curled up inside.

Her lips suddenly chapped, Murakami barely whispered the figure’s name.

“Fatima...”

[humansareweirdsedition]

Humans Are Weird: Women’s Edition Part X

Wow! We’re at Part X already! I can hardly believe I have committed myself to this point (which isn’t very far to be honest). Also, I honestly have no idea how long this series will be, but I can assure you it will last for far longer than you’d expect.

Also, my apologies for not posting an update sooner. I started writing Part X weeks ago, but then I realized it was too far ahead, so I decided to save it for a different time. Then I started writing another Part X, but again, it somehow needed to be saved for future posting. And now we have this post! The beginning took me a couple of tries to start, but then it started coming naturally. After that, it was the ending of this post that gave me trouble. I rewrote it about five or six times. Something kept feeling wrong about the endings. However, I am satisfied, or as satisfied as I can be and I hope you all are, too.

Now, let’s return to the story. It involves some POV hopping, as usual, and a good dash of humor. At least my type of humor! :)

Part I >> Part II >> Part III >> Part IV >> Part V >> Part VI >> Part VII >> Part VIII >> Part IX >> Part X >> Part XI >> Part XII >> Part XIII >> Part XIV

“LET ME OUTTA HERE, YOU PIECES OF SHIT!” Straining her muscles against her restraints, Jay’va lurched toward the goons as they passed by her cell on their usual guard route, but again, she stopped short. The pirates had her bound to her cell wall, like a caged beast, but it was for their own safety after all.

When she had first awoken in the med-bay, she had caused an incident. When they transferred her to her cell, she caused another one. A few of the goons had to be hospitalized and, as a result, the others kept a tentative distance from her, even when they delivered her daily meals. At first, it was amusing, but it soon lost its luster after the fourth day.

Now it was the fifteenth day of her captivity and she was pissing mad. The accumulation of being treated like a wild beast and having no social or physical contact was driving her mad and making her mad. Cyborg always said cabin fever caused madness in humans left in isolation, but he never mentioned how it could incite anger, too. Her anger.

I wish he was here with me right now, she thought, he always knows what to do. Always. Sighing, Jay’va tried not to let her anger mix with her sorrow. She tried not to let it get the best of her. She knew if her crew saw her like this, they’d lose faith in her. Gotta stay strong. Stay strong. As she chanted the words in her head, she heard the faint footsteps of the goons patrolling the prison halls.

Shoving her emotions aside, she forced herself to calm down. She needed to calm down. Calm down, Jay-Jay, calm down. Remember your yoga. Cy wouldn’t want you pissing like this. Though she knew that was the truth, it was difficult to follow through with her breathing exercises because just seeing the goons again pissed her off.

Bucking like a wild mookeige, Jay’va screeched at the goons just as they reached her cell. She chuckled as they gave a little start. You would think these idiots would remember me by now, she smugly thought, but they never do―

“Well, I see isolation has done nothing to damper your spirit, Col. Heth Jay’va,” the new voice startled her.

Completely taken aback, she couldn’t even think of a witty, madness-drive comeback. She could only stare at the lifeform before her and feel shame wash over her. It was difficult to explain, but the deference she felt shook her to the core. It was unsettling. Maybe this was what humans mean when they pray to their gods and God? This absolute feeling of submission toward someone greater than them.

It was terrifying.

“I see you’re speechless. Good,” said the lifeform as they lowered the quantum-particle barrier separating them, “it makes things easier. I am Captain Zeelot of the Frek’jon, the magnificent ship you and your crewmates are captive on.” Jay’va remained silent, too overcome by her emotions to respond, her mind too muddled. The lifeform, Captain Zeelot, made a strange noise. Maybe it was a sound for displeasure? She didn’t want that, but she couldn’t make her jaws move.

Whatever it meant, it didn’t matter because Zeelot was approaching her with one heavy step at a time. The fear wafted off her like smoke from a fire. “Heth,” Zeelot murmured her name and cupped her cheek with one of their hands. It was so warm; it had been so long since anyone had touched her, she leaned into their embrace. “Hmm...that’s better. Golok, Rue’oth, release her,” they ordered the two goons.

“But Captain―” “She’ll kill us― ” exclaimed the goons.

“Silence,” Zeelot cut them off, “don’t make me repeat myself.”

The goons wore wary expressions, but she hardly noticed anything. Warmth. Touch. It had been too long...

Watching as Jay’va fell to her knees once released from her restraints, Zeelot marveled at the effectiveness of the pheromone concoction Krellion had created for them. Regardless of Krellion’s mental state, he still managed to create some of the most potent pheromones to subdue ferocious H’hish like Jay’va.

It was wonderous how, just moments ago, she was foaming at the mouth, ready to kill the guards, but now she was as docile as a reika-booj. Clucking, they knelt before her and began massaging her cheek. “Isn’t that better, Heth?” they cooed.

Jay’va nodded. “...feels good...” She was completely at their mercy. It was entertaining how easily the pheromones had taken over such a vicious H’hish.

“I’m glad, Heth, because I want to keep you and your crewmates comfortable, but I’m having a rather difficult time with that. Would you help me?”

They watched as Jay’va dumbly stared at them, so lost in the pheromones. They debated strangling until she whispered, “I want...I want to help. Let me help...” With great satisfaction, Zeelot knew with this, they had won.

Rising, they motioned for Golok and Rue’oth to handle the rest before giving Jay’va with a few parting words. “Answer all their questions truthfully for me, Heth. The more truthful you are, the sooner your crewmates will find comfort like you have.”

“Yes...” Jay’va mumbled.

Turning to Golok and Rue’oth as the lifted her, Zeelot assured them of their safety. “This batch of pheromones won’t wear off anytime soon, and since this is her first time experiencing kulgo pheromones, it will take even longer for it to dissipate from her system.” And with that, they were gone, leaving the rest of the work for the two of them to handle.

Entering their quarters, Zeelot found Murakami tinkering with an old service-bot. She’s taking to her duties well, they thought as they took a seat beside her, but she still refuses give up any personal information on her crew. Cheeky. “How do you like life on the ship? they questioned her.

Murakami didn’t spare them a glance. “Can’t say. It’s only been three days, but I suppose I can say I hate it and wish you all would die.” Yes, she was a cheeky human.

“I wish you wouldn’t say that,” the chided as they absentmindedly flicked a bolt off the table, “the others may take it the wrong way.”

“And what way would that be? I’d ab-so-lute-ly would love to know,” she sneered.

“Your sarcasm is not lost to me,” Zeelot murmured as they carefully raked their fingers through her short hair. They didn’t fail to notice Murakami’s muscles tense at their touch, or how she quickly forced them to relax. She refused to show her fear, but everyone feared them. “Murakami,” they leaned and whispered in her ear, “you can betray every single filthy piece of molongo on this ship, but if you betray me...if you truly ignite my anger, I will insure your life will never end. Understand?” they rasped before leaning back into their seat.

“I understand,” she finally said, her voice trembling.

“Good,” they said, taking the servant-bot from her and tearing it apart, “because this is your only warning. Don’t dare betray me again. Now get out.”

Murakami found herself dumbly standing in the hallway outside of Zeelot’s quarters, questioning herself about their abilities. How did they know what I was going to doing with that robot? How? It terrified her, this uncertainty. She had not even had the chance to reprogram the bot, but they knew what she wanted to do. Alright, stop panicking, Murakami. Don’t let them get to you. Clear your mind. Surely a reasonable explanation exists. Maybe a different slave tried the same thing as me. Maybe that’s why the bot was out of commission? Yes, that is right, she thought, breathing in a deep sigh of relief. That was the answer. One of Zeelot’s previous slaves must have tried to escape that way. It only made sense―

“What are you doing standing in the hallway?”

Giving a small yelp, she spun around to find Mel standing beside her. “Don’t do that. You nearly gave me a heart attack,” she exclaimed.

“Father cleared you of any cardiac conditions,” he said, waving for her to follow him, “so it is highly improbable that you almost experienced a cardiac episode.”

“It’s a figure of speech, kiddo. It means you startled or frightened me,” she deadpanned, following him.

Mel blankly stared at her, clearly not believing her. “Then why wouldn’t you say that I startled you?”

“You’re kidding me, right?” she asked, dumbfounded. “Are you actually suspecting I’m lying? Don’t answer that; it’s a rhetorical question. Let me educate you real quick about figure of speech.” She held up her hand and halted whatever nonsense he was about to spout. “Figure of speech exists everywhere in the universe and probably every alternate reality in existence―except in any reality where on this ship exists―and it’s words or phrases used in the non-literal sense for rhetorical purposes or vivid effects―”

“―Like your questions from just now?”

“Yes, just like my questions. Understand now?”

“Yes, I do. I have never had a proper conversation with another human before.”

“Really, I couldn’t tell.”

“...”

“Sarcasm. It’s irony used to mock or convey contempt.”

“...Then I suggest not using it in Father’s presence. Or showing emotion,” Mel said.

Murakami cocked a brow at him. “Is that why you’re such a killjoy? ‘Cause your crazy dad doesn’t like emotions? Don’t answer that. Anyways, where are we heading?” As she asked, she glanced around, not recognizing the darken hallways.

Mel shot what she would consider a smug look. “The prison cells for the cargo.”

“People aren’t cargo, Mel.” She nearly spat the word.

Mel briefly glanced at her. “Anyone can be cargo, Murakami. It doesn’t matter how unique or intelligent you think they are. If someone wants something and is willing to pay whatever the price for it, then the Frek’jon will provide it.

“In any case, I didn’t bring you here to discuss the ethics of slavery. I’m under orders to get information from you regarding your crew. Minute details such as personality traits, likes and dislikes, special talents; information not available from their personnel files.” As he spoke, Mel placed his hand on the wall, which somehow prompted the hallway to lighten up and reveal cell after cell filled with lifeforms of species she had never met, before continuing to walk down the hallway.

Wrinkling her brows, Murakami had followed Mel up until he mentioned the personnel files. That isn’t right, she thought as she tried to rationalize his words. The EMP wave destroyed all the digital files from the ship’s systems, so how would it be possible? She didn’t believe for a second Mel was lying to her. Though she had only met him a few days prior, she could already tell he wasn’t the type to lie about something like this, which again begged the question: How?

“Don’t lag behind,” Mel barked, dragging her from her thoughts. He was already at the end of the hallway.

Fucking shit. What a brat, she cursed as she took her sweet fucking time joining him. “Didn’t Krellion teach you manners when speaking to your elders?” she inquired once she caught up to him.

“Elders? No, he didn’t, but not like it matters. Most lifeforms don’t live long enough to be considered an ‘elder’. Anyways, like I said before, I need information on your crew, and you will give it to me.”

The way he spoke commanding her got on her nerves. “And why do you think I’ll tell you? Now that I know you’re trying to get information out of me, I’m a hundred percent unlikely to give it to you.”

Mel remained stoic, ignoring her words, as he placed his hand on the wall again and revealed a holding cell with a familiar figure curled up inside.

Her lips suddenly chapped, Murakami barely whispered the figure’s name.

“Fatima...”