#Humans are Space Australians

[injuries-in-dust]

Humans are space orcs writing prompt.

No one can handle their drink like humans!

The biggest land animals on earth, elephants, can handle something being at a maximum of 7% alcohol by volume (abv)

Most species on earth can usually intake 1-3 abv.

With small species like rats only being able to intake alcohol in the milligrams range, at best 80mgs.

Meanwhile humans will sometimes knock back something that is 40 abv. We can drink a whole bottle of it and while we feel lousy the next day, we dont die from it.

If the majority is the precident, then a shot of vodka will be pretty much a death sentence for most alien species.

But there go the humans, just knocking it back and calling that a fun night.

[thewildwaffle]

Humans are Weird - Injuries

Finally animated this old short story after it being in the WIP pile for yeeeaaarssss...

[deathworlders-of-e24]

Danny, Security Chief

Part 5

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

These kids are making me feel so old, Danny though, running a hand through his hair before setting his ball cap in place and walking out the door of his room. The talk he’d had with Liz Collins the cycle before was still reeling through his brain on a loop. Once again, he questioned the merits of keeping GAIL Command in the dark, but once again followed the logic of Admiral Townes and Captain Skitch. At this point, they didn’t really have conclusive proof of sabotage, and if they started raising any alarms, any evidence would point back to the Terrans. The codes used to send encrypted messages were the science team lead’s, a human’s, and the more vocal opponents to the Earthling’s membership would use that against them.

For now, however, Danny decided to turn his attention to the other possible threat to human/GAIL coexistence in the galaxy. The Noah was scheduled to have a rendezvous with a Sed trainee ship later in the cycle. Apparently the GAIL council had decided that a group training session would be just the thing to drive home the idea of interspecies cooperation. However, the captain of the Sed vessel they were set to sortie with was a man named General Drinner, a high ranked figure in the Sed power structure. He’d been fairly curt in transmission between ships, and claimed he would be personally overseeing the exercise. When Danny asked who he was, Skitch hadn’t been able to provide much information. The Sed government had totally wrapped the man in red tape so any information about his military record or personal life was behind a security clearance wall that nobody onboard the Noah had access to.

Before he entered the lift, Danny Ducane paused and walked back to his quarters and strapped on his ‘work belt’, complete with pistol, stun batton, and combat knife. He chambered a round in the pistol before holstering it again. Danny had a feeling in his gut telling him it was gonna be that kind of day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I don’t understand why we have to do this,” Coola grumbled, arms crossed in her seat around the security command console.

“Because unfortunately bureaucracy is universal,” Danny said as he cycled through screens on the terminal, “and we have our orders. Now, the plan here is to head down to this planet here,” Danny pointed to it on the screen, “and meet up with Drinner and his crew for the joint training. Supposedly we’re going to be running standard drills, some close quarters work, and there will be a combat demonstration at the end. Any questions?”

“Yes,” Ritz chimed in, tail flicking around the floor in annoyance, “why is a Sed general taking part in this? This is a simple training procedure, correct?”

“I don’t know,” Homet said as he strapped upper armor to his thermal suit, “but I’ve seen Drinner before. He spear headed a GAIL mission to apprehend some pirates a couple rotations ago. None of the pirates made it to a cell, and two of his team died, neither of which were Sed.”

“You’re sure of that?” Hayte asked, sitting forward, concern starting to show on his face.

“Hundred percent,” the Doun said. “I was on the ship set to take the raiders to stand trial. All we did was transport the remains. After that, Drinner was removed from GAIL mixed forces and the Sed brought him back into the fold on their home world. I heard he got a promotion for the operation, it’s how he made general.”

“That just great,” Danny mumbled, “one big party like this.”

“Sir, what are we going to do?” Coola asked. Danny looked around at them, his team. He could feel the unease and anxiety coming off them, a sense of uncertainty surrounding them.

“We do what we always do,” Danny answered, “our jobs. We don’t start anything with them under any circumstances. Most likely the Sed government is just inspecting us on the down low, so as long as we show them we’re competent there shouldn’t be any problems.”

“Just saying it Chief,” Ritz hissed behind sharp teeth, “they’re going to see that the only Sed crewman in any position of power here got replaced. They aren’t going to like that.”

“No, probably not,” Danny signed, “thanks for that Ritz, I wasn’t already sweating about that at all.”

“You are very clearly perspiring sir,” Coola added.

“Sarcasm, guys. Remember our talk?”

“Right, sorry.”

“Anyway,” Homet popped the last plate into place with a solid metallic click, “I think what the chief is saying is just be prepared for them to try and antagonize you, but don’t react to it. Right?” He looked to Danny for confirmation.

“Right,” Danny took a deep breath. “Go get suited up, we’ll be dropping out of WARP in a few hours. Dismissed.”

The Quintin siblings Ritz and Coola left, alongside Hayte who gave one last look back into the security office before heading out. Then it was just Danny and Homet left in the room, with the holographic face of General Drinner oscillating above the console.

“So what’s the word boss?” Homet finally broke the silence. “You got your work belt on and your… hat, that’s the word, your hat is on backwards. Humans mean business like that, right?”

Danny chuckled.

“I think that’s mostly a me kind of thing man,” he said as he dragged a hand across his face and screwed his eyes shut. “I got a bad feeling about this. After all this shit with Grite, and now this Drinner guy is showing up… I don’t know if I’m being intolerant or what, but every bit of training I’ve ever had is saying somebody is making a play here, I just can’t see all the players.”

“Trust me, you’re not being anything but prepared,” Homet tapped a couple claws against his thermal suit and the added plating. “The Sed have a reputation in the GAIL for the collateral damage of other species. Couple unexplained accidents and botched missions, but never enough evidence to directly link them to any crimes or negligence. So as far as I’m concerned, do what you gotta do.”

Homet clapped his big paw on Danny’s shoulder.

“Who knows,” he continued, “maybe you humans will be the ones to finally teach them some manners.”

Danny’s terminal trilled, then his comm-link did the same.

Must be synced, he thought.

With a push of a button, Danny brought the message up on the holoviewer. It was a message from engineering.

We have something for you

-PADRINO UNIT H663K67Q6

“What do the Padrino want with you chief?” Homet asked.

Danny stared at the message a beat longer.

“Side project. Make sure everyone is ready for the drop, I’ll be there as fast as I can.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Unit H66-, uh, 3-,”

“You may refer to me as Sixer, Chief Ducane,” the unit said in its machine synthesized voice. “It is what the Human Thomas calls me for efficiency.”

“Sixer,” Danny started again, “what did you find?”

“Per your request, myself and the other Padrino have been collating the data from the ship’s AI CORE in an effort to find any clues to your… problem, as you call it. Using the assumed times that you claim Human Elizabeth’s access codes could have been used, we have begun searching through all long range messages during those time frames.”

“And?”

“We have found numerous encrypted messages going out, but no data could be acquired. It seems someone has uploaded a program to scrub the system after each message is sent, but it appears they did not implement this function until after this broadcast:

The mis[]io[] is s[]ill g[]in[] ah[]ad as pla[]ne[]. Th[]re w[]s a min[]r set ba[]k, but no one []board t[]e NO[]H sus[]ect[] a[]yth[]ng. We wil[] be []ictorious as we h[]ve alw[]ys be[]n. Pro[]ee[] with t[]e s[]cond pha[]e as sc[]edule[]

“Why is it all piecemeal like that?” Danny asked.

“I found traces of a scrubber program in the core systems, a less advanced version of what is erasing the more recent messages. It seems this message was sent early into the mission, appropriately forty hours after launch.”

“Seriously? This has been going on for that long?” Danny was dumbfounded. Forty hours. The numbers made his head spin. It was almost inconceivable. They’d been over confident, and now it turned out they’d been tricked from the jump.

“Is it possible to get surveillance data from the long range communications consoles? See who all was in there during that time frame? Maybe start narrowing down our suspects?” Danny asked. He clenched and unclenched his right fist a few times. Maybe now he’d finally start making some headway into solving this instead of staring at puzzle pieces for hours on end.

“It is possible, with your approval and from your terminal in the security lounge. With your permission, I could start reviewing footage on your word,” Sixer stated. Danny eyeballed the android before nodding.

“When I get back from this training, we’ll do it together. Leaving you alone in there is a major security risk you understand. It’d cost me my job.”

“Of course,” Sixer said. “Permission to inform Human Thomas of these events? I believe he’d be of assistance in this endeavor.”

No no no, not the kid, please, the corner of Danny’s mouth twitched a little. I can’t deal with the fucking kids anymore.

“Why?” He asked, trying to keep a straight face.

“I have been informed that it is protocol for friends to inform each other of important information regarding their interests. As Human Thomas is greatly invested in the wellbeing of the ship, it seemed prudent to inform him,” Sixer explained. “Though I do agree that yes, it does involve a security concern, which is why I’m requesting permission from you first.”

Danny pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Sure. Fuck it. Why not?” He said exasperated. “Turn this whole operation into a game at day care, I’ll go Vend some juice boxes or something.”

“I’m sure Human Thomas will appreciate the refreshment, sir.”

“Oh my god,” Danny cried, “okay, keep doing whatever this is, get Thomas if you want, keep me informed about anything you find, got it? I gotta go deal with the other problem that’ll give me stroke today.”

“Orders confirmed, sir,” Sixer gave a kind of salute to which Danny assumed was also somehow not sarcasm and walked away, taking deep, calming breathes, and wishing the Vending Machines could make something stronger than a juice box.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“All ready for the big drop Chief,” Homet called when Danny made the hangar bay. “You take care of that other thing?”

“We’re gonna have to wait and see about that I think,” Danny replied, making a face that said it better or I’m gonna lose it. “How’s tricks in here?”

“Everything protocol says is on the shuttle,” Homet gestured, “and a few extras, just in case. Just waiting for you now.”

“And the team?”

“Nervous,” Homet admitted, “but you gave them the brass they need chief. I think they got this.”

“Careful Homet, you’re starting to sound like a real Terran there,” Danny joked. Homet laughed, a deep, hearty sound, making his thermal suit’s armor clank and clatter against itself.

“Skitch and Commander Koatil are already down there, they sent the go ahead just a minute ago,” the Doun man continued. “We better get moving Chief.”

“All aboard then,” Danny clapped his hands together and stepped through the hatch.

“Once more into the breach.”

[captain-ultimat-doggo]

Humans entering space and realizing we are so small. We are mice compared to these giant races with their advanced machinery and technologies and experiences beyond us- except that we're humans. And our engineers dive into the new tech and once we learn the principles we also soon realize how Inefficient everything is. Their "microchips" are the size of cars, their storage drives are basically buildings, and they somehow store less data than ours. So, human companies take advantage, and tech starts rolling out. Massive and there's a lot of wasted space so that it can be managed with larger hands/pincers/claws/tentacles, but also so much more efficient than anything the galaxy has seen before.

Human technicians start hopping ships and upkeeping the general maintenance, the stuff that most aliens put off or don't notice because they never access the crevices of their ships. As human companies become more popular and lead the tech world in everything from warp cores to game stations ("it's so compact! How are the graphics so good?" Says a 60' tall grimbleback, holding a new VR headset that has all of its components included because it's so BIG by our tech standards), soon many things have accessibility ports for humans to be able to use as well. This means that these shiprats hoping ship to ship cause such a huge improvement in everything running smoothly, and there's a huge downtick in pests on ships because those "pests" are not only big enough and aggressive enough to bite a pitbull or a person in half, they're invasive to so many planets and humans hate nothing more than dog killing planet overrunning monsters.

All the while, from the Aliens perspective, humans are an elusive race that don't fraternize much with them. You almost never see a human as most places aren't exactly safe for the little things to run around in. They do export so much stuff though, and the custodial staff at the Central Galactic Outpost insists that there's more humans around than any other race if you just know where to look.

And sure it's somewhat known that some of the little daredevils hop ships and help out in exchange for room and board, usually without permission, but that can't be that common, can it?

Maybe your ship is running better this cycle ever since you stopped at the last station, that just means that tuneup was better than you thought. And maybe for some reason that program you were working on last night is finished when you wake up, but you're so tired maybe you finished it before you passed out. Somehow that faulty light in the galley has fixed itself as well, which is odd, but maybe the Engineer finally got to it. You'd know if there was someone else on your ship.

Right?

... You leave a little bowl of berries out as a thank you, just in case. You're not sure what humans like but you've heard they have a sweet tooth.

[loonarmuunar]

Humans being the first. Not the strongest or the smartest or the weirdest or the most violent. Just the first.

We called out into the dark over and over. We sent out messages in hopes. We searched every planet we could reach, in hopes of any sign of life. Any at all.

We thought, hoped we were the last, because we couldn’t bear the idea of being the one ones this awake and alive in a world as vast as this.

And we died alone.

When the others are born, many many years later, they find us, everything we left for them.

They recover The Golden Record and look at it a million times over, they dig up our fossils and put us in museums, they study us for years and years, loving us as we love our ancestors’ painted hands on cave walls.

In a lot of their languages, the word they use for us has the same root for “mother”.

[skritzzy]

I feel like any aliens that were prey at some point in evolution would have an odd fear of humans. Mostly cause they look like predators, act a bit like predators, and ARE predators. One perfect example is when we're focused on something like a mosquito that's been bugging us for a long time and we are just done.

Alien: "What. What..?"

Human: *HUNTING down a mosquito it saw*

Alien: ".... yeah I am really uncomfortable...."

Human: *quiet footsteps, pupils dialated, intense focus,*

Alien: *WAR FLASHBACKS*

Human: "Found you." *absolutely desimates the mosquito, squashing it into a million pieces as it's guts and various body parts liquidize into blood of the bloodthirsty, now stained on the palm of the human. A living being now reduced to a useless corpse as the human wipes the remains on their pants*

Alien: "I feel like I've just gained trauma."

[archrries]

Humans cracking their knuckles as an intimidation tactic against aliens

Can you imagine being an alien and this thing just broke its bones at you?????

I'd be scared tbh

Why did it make that noise

That's a bone breaking noise

It's like those ppl who bite off their acrylics before a fight

[drewthelocalnerd]

Haven’t really seen it yet so here we go, *Humans* have THREAT DISPLAYS! Sure, we seems small in comparison to other creatures both on or off our planet, but when we’re actively trying to make friends with everything we see that’s a good thing. But what if we don’t wanna seem small and friendly, say the vibes are real bad and getting worse, so instincts kick in and we gotta be *dangerous*

Take bears for example, those famous Terran predators. Big furry tanks capable of tearing into cars. We’re supposed to make ourselves look BIGGER to scare them off! Insane, but it works!

Other humans! We’re not *all* super nice, so what do we do when another deathworlder seems sketchy? Crack our knuckles, our necks, even flash our teeth a little for some flare, the literal post up or get done up pose where you invade their space and just in general look threatening. Our second natural language being body language, saying “back off or I’ll mess you up”, of course we have threat displays, and I’ll be the first to say I don’t always consciously know I’m doing them.

So when we finally have outer space friends, they’re gonna lose their shit seeing stuff like this.

[kurara-black-blog]

I just love the "they're more scared of you than you are of them" thing because, yeah, Earth is a Deathworld filled with very dangerous beings, but also everyone in it is scared and would rather not interact with each other unless necessary

Alien: This is a very dangerous animal!

Human: Don't worry, we'll just walk away.

Alien: But it's watching us!

Human: It's hoping we leave already, so we're leaving.

Alien: It... It is?

Human: Yeah, it is more scared of us than we are of it. Let's go before the fight instinct kicks in because then it'll become a dangerous animal

Alien:...

[candz13z]

Another humans and aliens post because im hooked on it still.

Humans are friendly. Really friendly. Theyll make friends with anything that can move. They pack bond like crazy and they seem to understand their emotions better than any other species and tend to be the therapist of the ship.

So, why is it that, on the ships, with more than a couple humans on it, are the ones that have the most fights.

Humans are so friendly, you could probably do just about anything to them and they wouldnt even so much as blink. But one human woke up another human too early one day and they both ended up in the medbay. The worst part is- they were back to being friends again not even a full day cycle later.

There had been another fight between a couple of other humans too, but this fight wasnt physical. It was a screaming match, or atleast thats what the humans called it. This fight wasnt even physical but the humans involved in this one had cried in this one. They did not go back to being friends afterwards. It made no sense- but what made even less sense happened a week later.

A team of humans showed up for a 'debate'. To the aliens understanding- it was a series of arguements over a couple of prepared questions. Every alien on the ship expected there to be more tears and more sadness- but instead the humans cheered on the debate and the people screaming at eachother laughed about it afterwards.

Any alien with enough sentience on the ship that day remembered the fact that despite being as friendly as they were, humans are still very, very unexplored territory.

[injuries-in-dust]

I don't know why, but I like the idea of humans being to aliens, what cats are to humans...

Alien1: hey, when did you hire a human?

Alien 2: we didn't. They just wandered aboard one day, saying they wanted to "hitch a ride." Then they never left. I think they like it here.

Alien 1: the human distribution system has chosen.

***

Alien stares at the human, who has climbed up a very high shelving unit.

Alien: Human, get down before you hurt yourself.

The humans response is to climb higher.

***

Alien is secretly filming their human, who is spaced out and just staring at nothing.

Alien (whispering): I think the human is about to intercept the brain cell. (Laughter) don't worry human, if it tingles that means it's working.

[what-if-i-just-did]

So, something I learnt the other day. So, you know how dinosaurs supposedly can't see you if you stand still? Well that myth is based on real-life lizards/etc and how eyes in general work. So, once my dad starts infodumping, here comes some other cool information. We, humans, can in fact, also not see something unless it's moving. We fixed this by having our eyes constantly shake. And then our brain compensates for us, so we don't have to have shaky vision.

What if aliens don't have this? Like. What if they find out when one of us was looking at something in the distance, and they walk around this thing that's in front of them, and the alien is confused so they bob their head and oh, there's a thing there, but how did the human know that, and then we explain and they're like, horrified.

Humans are apex predators. They can hunt in packs. They can hunt in pairs. They can hunt on their own. They're persistance predators, which is unheard of. They get stronger when they're mad or scared. They have this thing called 'body language' which acts like a type of hivemind, even if they'll claim it isn't. And. They can see you. When you're not moving. They can still see you. If you ever find yourself in a fight against a human, for whatever reason? Run. Run as fast as you can. And hope, pray if you have a religion, that they won't follow.

[tawneybee]

Honestly obsessed with the "Humans are the cats of space" corner of the whole trope.

We may be seen as objectively adorable. We're tiny predators, vicious and mighty with teeth and nails, but also easy to pick up and hold and swing around while saying "Babyyyy"

We're quiet and sneaky in the wild, hard to catch and contain, very effective hunters and climbers. But when domesticated who wouldn't just lounge around if we're given free food, unlimited sleep, and constant enrichment?

And same with cats, there's a variety of how humans act and feel about these huge creatures taking care of us. Some of us might be very chatty, very affectionate, some probably clingy if we trust our Alien enough. While others don't screw with their personal space, would scratch and bite if you do something they don't like. The affection is at their pace cause otherwise you'll come out with a few scars.

As small as we are, the more wild independent humans have the strength and means to take down predators so much bigger than us when the situation becomes dire enough. There's been cats who've gotten dogs, wolves, and bears singlehandedly.

A human that's been in an alien family long enough would probably chase off a huge threatening space creature to protect the alien young, just as cats have done for human children.

Imagine after a few years of integration with aliens, some humans don't get by well with taking care of their children so they find an alien that looks responsible and careful enough and they leave their young on their doorstep so they can grow up with all the food and shelter they could ever need.

Maybe they have a human distribution system where a person who's just tired of the human world picks a ship to stay on, and the aliens on board just accept it because that's how humans are. Maybe they help provide pest control for those space creatures small enough to hide in hard-to-reach areas of the ship.

And even amongst all this agility and predatory instinct, humans can still be pretty dumb and airhead and ridiculous. Imagine how hilarious aliens would find it when we get jumpscared or sneeze or feel the random need to stim and run around. Alien puts a long sticky parchment on that crevice of our backs that's hard to reach and watches as we struggle to reach and take it off cause it's annoying, same way we might put tape on a cat's head. Maybe they find the funky way a human mom tries to carry her too-big baby funny the same way a mom cat dragging her too-big baby by the scruff is funny.

Maybe there's a language barrier, but Aliens notice our odd human sounds and mimic them to get our attention, but they struggle with the different sound and pronunciation we just hear random gargled calls of "Molasses!" "Tree!" "税金!" when they're just trying to greet us. And you learn to recognize the pattern of noises that mean whatever name they gave you in their language.

Humans really are just big cats.

[shroomiethefrogwhisperer]

Humans Are Crazy

Aliens have such different gender and biology from humans that none of them menstruate. So imagine this.

Alien: Human Steve, why did I find blood on the lavatory floor?

Steve: Oh, that's just Karen.

Alien: What??

Steve: Human females bleed from their reproductive organs once every month for five to seven days.

Alien: wHAT?!

Steve, calmly: Yeah, they can lose enough blood in a lifetime to kill ten grown men.

Alien: WHaT ?!?!

Karen, walking in: Steve, I need A FUCKING break. And chocolate. And a heating pad. I'll be in my sleeping quarters. Also, I threw up.

Steve: Okay, take the day off, I'll bring you your stuff in a bit.

Alien: *jots down in notebook* Human females are indestructible and fearsome. Regard them with respect.

EDIT: I swear, if this is the thing that makes me Tumblr famous, I’m gonna blow a braincell. And I don’t have many of those left, so…

Edit 2: Guys. Guys. What?! My grumpy menstrual rant is in no way worthy of being tumblr famous. *is mildly to severely confused/thankful/bumfuddled*

Edit 3: Why is this still getting notes wtf

Edit 4: STOP REBLOGING THISSSSSS

edit 5: if you like this, go look at these:

This is now a masterlist.

[artsy-writy]

Humans fucking breath oxygen!?

Imagine oxygen being to aliens what chlorine gas is to us.

Human: We're finally here!! The planet we've been looking for 2 million light-years!

Alien: *talking into earpiece* I still don't know why the human captain wanted to come here of all planets- wait- don't take off your helmet!! *closes their eyes*

Human: *takes off helmet and breathes in the fresh oxygen* Oh wow. So this is the fresh air our ancestors breathed when the Earth was still a young one.

Alien: *slowly peaks with one eye, scared* Y-you're not dying?

Human: Yeah, I'm not. Why would you think-

Alien: *trembling* Because this planet is filled with...oxygen

Human: Yeah, I know. That's why we came here in the first place!

Alien: Y-you can breathe this poisonous gas?

Human: Not only that, we need it to survive

Alien: Oh damn, I can't imagine someone breathing any gas other than chlorine-

Human: CHLORINE!? THE SWIMMING POOL THING!?

Alien: the what-