#that have been bouncing around in my head about nina

[ambitiouslyher]

15, 28, 43, 50, 54 🥰

What’s the most obvious difference between their behavior at home, at work, at school, with friends, and when they’re alone?

at work when at her fashion company, nina is much more personable. she's very diplomatic and understanding. there's still very much that firmness to her that lets everyone know she runs a tight ship, but once you're past that initial intimidation, she's very approachable.

while i wouldn't call her bubbly, that's definitely not really the energy she brings in her other line of work. there's something about her demeanour that has you at the edge of your seat, squirming around like you're caught in a predator's sights. she's not approachable simply because you wouldn't want to have to, if only you wouldn't have that ominous feeling just interacting with her. it's all in the way she looks at you too.

with friends (she doesn't have a lot), i'd say, she's more mischievous and teasing than you'd think !

so, i guess, all in all... it's the vibe that's different. i know that's such a vague answer but she really is like a snake shedding skins depending on the environment.

What do they tell people they want? What do they actually want?

power + fame, to be known across the globe ! in some ways, i think she does want that. she's a deeply ambitious person. but, after everything that's happened and reflecting on how her experiences have molded her, she really wants to eventually live a quiet life and not have to choose anymore between what her true passions are and her criminal empire.

What do they commonly misinterpret because of their own upbringing / environment / biases? How do they respond when realizing the misunderstanding?

honestly, she misinterprets a lot of humor, or at least, doesn't find some funny. gen z humor most definitely goes over her head, she's not even going to try. when she misunderstands it, she kind of just shrugs it off and always says something like "i don't know why you would ever find that funny". she's really so patronizing at times too, ugh.

What belief / moral / personality trait do they stand by that you (mun) personally don’t agree with?

the importance that i place on material things are nowhere near the importance she places on it. she's a very materialistic person, and is terrified of losing everything she's worked hard for. while i understand it, i'm not a materialistic person, so i don't agree with the lengths she'd go to to feel secure in that sense. she still feels she owes her adoptive family some loyalty because they did give her a "better life" for better or for worse. i don't think she owes them shit. her willingness to turn a blindeye to some truly terrible shit in exchange for benefits she may be receiving from the situation. ( obviously there are things she can't look past, but there are certain situations she wouldn't feel compelled to do anything about. )

What’s their instinct in a fight / flight / freeze / fawn situation?

a mix of flight and fight. backed against a corner, she's gonna fight but if she can take flight and calculate a few things in her head first before fighting then she'll take that option, only because she wants some time to assess how to gain the upperhand.

@foamsalt , meme.

[writersdrug]

Training for Two

Chapter 3. New Trails

Masterlist

Summary: You and Riley take the beaten path to defeat boredom. Simon realizes that the seed of his new obsession has been planted.

Warnings: mild cursing, obsessive behavior

Simon had never told you how long he'd be gone - which was fine, your flat was only a twenty-minute drive from his home, should you need to do laundry or get more soap. You had some freelancing logo-design work you could focus on in your downtime, and Simon had been gracious enough to leave a note on the coffee table with the wifi password. Truth be told, you imagined this would feel like a holiday: no more shitty bosses. You were your own boss, here. You could make your own schedule, as long as you made time for Riley.

You soon discovered, after moving into Ghost's house, that it was very much not a vacation. The interior of his home was so barren that it made you feel like you had been sent to an asylum. On your first day there, you managed to get a bit of freelance work done; after that, you tried watching the telly, but you couldn't drown the heavy restlessness in the back of your mind.

You decided to phone a friend.

"What's Riley like?" Leslie said through the phone, which was tucked under your ear.

"Military dog." You replied. You were lying on the floor next to Riley, stroking her fur as her head rested on your stomach. "So proper, I've never seen anything like it. You know- when I made breakfast today, I dropped some food on the linoleum- she didn't bat an eye. Girl just watched."

"That's amazing... you know Donald would have run to it like it was the first meal he'd been fed in years."

You laughed, making Riley's head bounce on your abdomen. "Mum has got to stop feeding them real food..."

"What about the client?" Leslie said, changing the subject. "Simon, was it? What's he like?"

"Honestly?" You began, scratching between Riley's ears. "A decent guy, don't get me wrong - but bland. Gruff. His apartment is, too."

"Just like ya mum always said." She snickered. "Can I see?"

You sighed. "Nah, I never checked if it was ok to bring people over. Not sure if he'd appreciate me giving you a tour. But I'll ask next time if you can visit."

"That's fair..." You heard her shuffling around on the other end of the line. "Well listen babes, I should get back to work. Got five left on my lunch break."

You groaned at the prospect of having to be alone in Simon's barren home again. "Alright... still on for this Thursday?"

"You know it! Nina's coming too."

You grimaced. "Whoop-tee-doo..."

"Oh, c'mon, I'll make sure she's civil. Love ya."

"She'd better be. Love you!"

The call ended with a click, and you let the phone slide from your shoulder with a sigh. You stared at the ceiling, running through what you could possibly do. You'd already had a shower at your flat before coming here, you'd done plenty of work...

Riley tilted her head up to look at you, sensing your frustration. You looked back down at her.

"What d'you and Simon do all day?" You asked.

She sighed and looked away.

Maybe it was time for a walk.

"Alright, Riley!" You said, pocketing your phone and sitting up. She scrambled up at the sudden movement; her eyes followed your every move as you stood, her stare expectant and excited.

"Fancy a walk?" You asked.

She whined and yapped, shifting her weight from one foot to the other.

You chuckled. "C'mon, then - before you and I both start going insane."

On your way to the closet to fetch her leash, she had nearly knocked you down to beat you there. You huffed, leaning down to grab your shoes and tug them on. She sat (im)patiently and watched, her tail slapping against the wooden floor.

"Alright, alright..." You laughed, grabbing her leash and latching it onto her harness. She obediently trotted to the front door and sat, waiting for you. You opened the door and stepped outside, confused when the leash tugged in your hand. You looked back inside and saw that Riley hadn't moved from her seat on the floor. She looked at you, ears forward and eyes eager as she waited for... something.

You looked at her, puzzled. "What's wrong, girl?"

She whined, pointing one foot up and thumping her tail against the floor.

Oh, right. Military dog.

"Okay, Riley." You said clearly, and she happily trotted out the door. You chuckled, locking the deadbolt behind you and beginning the much needed walk. She stuck right by your side, never passing you nor falling behind.

For the kind of gruff, admittedly shady man that Simon was, you noticed that he lived in a pretty nice area. If you told your mum where he lived, she'd blow a cap out of jealousy - the houses were neatly lined down the street, each one with a driveway and a small garden bed underneath the living room windows. Simon's was noticeably bare - Christ, even his grass was thinner than the other neighbors', how does one manage that?

You eyed his empty garden bed as you passed it. You wondered if he would let you plant a few things... just to liven up the drabness. A couple of Hostas, maybe some African Violets... you knew he wouldn't want too much colour, but he definitely needed something to brighten his home. Currently, it stuck out like a sore thumb against the other houses. Not to mention, it would give you something to slice through the boredom of staying here.

Eventually, the sidewalk led to the edge of a small patch of woods. A bridge stretched over the creek, which then led to a longer, winding path through the trees. You came to a halt, reading the sign next to the trail.

"Po-wee-hee-co park..." You mumbled and Riley stared at you with her tongue hanging from the side of her mouth. "Poeheko Park? You ever been here?"

She looked between you and the trail, sniffing the air. She licked her lips and whined.

"Suppose not, Simon's only ever dragged you around the block a few times, huh?"

She eyed the trail warily, but you could see her eyes brimming with eagerness and interest. You chuckled, reigning in her leash and starting over the bridge. "Time for an adventure!"

Simon sat stoically on the heli, eyes fixed on the wall across from him. His palms rested on his thighs, fingers splayed. He appeared calm and collected, focused on the mission that Priced had debriefed not too long ago.

Except, the mission couldn't have been further from his mind. He was thinking about you and Riley. We're you giving her enough attention? That was a dumb question; clearly you knew how much attention a dog needed. You'd done this before... but had you ever worked with a dog that had certain needs and medications? You never mentioned it during the interview, and he didn't remember to ask. What if you couldn't see the signs when Riley's pain was flaring up? What if you had forgotten that she needed pain medication?

He thought about texting you - but he quickly shut the thought down. He'd reserved texting for emergencies only, and he knew you were good at your job. There wasn't a moment of your life you hadn't spent around dogs, of course you would take perfect care of Riley.

"Honin' in, LT?" Soap's voice echoed through the coms as he took the seat opposite from Simon. He was relaxed, as if this was just another Friday for him - well, Simon supposed, it was.

"Always." Simon replied gruffly, focusing back on the mission at hand. He cleared his throat and flexed his fingers, trying to keep a cool composure.

"How's Riley doin'?" Soap asked. "Know I jus' seen 'er a few days ago, but- ye finally cave n' get someone to pet sit?"

Simon grunted. "'Course. Not gonna leave 'er alone that long, it'd be torture."

"Who'd ye get?"

"What's it to you?"

"Secret service? Ye snag one of the Royal Guards fer the job?"

"Jog on, Soap." Simon warned with a serious look, and Soap raised his hands in defense.

He couldn't tell Johnny about you. A fierce, possessive feeling in his chest told him not to. He knew Johnny had a thing for young, pretty things like you, and he refused to let you fall victim to his desires. In fact, he hated the thought of it.

But- who was he? Why was he being so protective over someone he barely knew? You were an adult, perfectly capable of making your own decisions. Why should Simon cockblock you and Johnny? So what if he wanted to shag you?

Mentally, he shook his head. No. Never. He'd lock you in his house if it meant keeping Jonny away from you. Even if Simon wasn't anything more than your client, he wasn't going to allow Johnny to get close to you. It would be too weird. You're his, after all.

...

Fuck.

He sighed and adjusted his position in his seat. You and Johnny didn't even know each other, for Christ's sake. He was overthinking all of this. You'd probably never even meet his team, why would you need to? You only ever have reason to spend time in his house, not on base. You just watch Riley, make breakfast in his kitchen, sleep on his couch, maybe his bed, if you're with the dog... using his bathroom, his shower...

He scowled at himself. Maybe hiring you was a huge mistake. You were too distracting.

Next ->

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[queenshelby]

The Peaky Role (Part Two)

Pairing: Cillian Murphy x Reader

Warning: Age Gap, Best Friend's Dad

Several days later...

It was a Saturday afternoon, at around 4 o'clock, after drama class, that you went to visit Nina at her house in one of Dublin's most charming neighborhoods, where ivy clung eagerly to the brick fronts and flowering trees bowed under the weight of the blossoms.

After ringing the doorbell, you waited patiently and, after a minute or so, Nina's father, Cillian, opened the door, his face momentarily betraying surprise before settling into a warm smile.

"Hey Y/N," he said and you were a little surprised to see him since you knew that he had moved out of the family home around nine months ago.

Him and his wife Danielle, Nina's mother, had been trying to navigate the rocky waters of their marriage and, as Nina had called it, were taking a break but, clearly, this break had not turned into something permanent yet. He was here now after all and you knew that this must have stood for something at least.

"Hey Cillian," you stammered, trying to shake off your surprise. "It's nice to see you," you then said, forcing a casual tone. The familiar blue of his eyes still held that confident gleam, even under frayed edges.

With him not living at home anymore, you had not seen your friend's father for almost six months now as he had been busy filming. After the Oscars, his schedule was packed with events, interviews, and projects, leaving little room for anything else.

Even your father had not seen his best friend a lot during this time and you were somewhat taken by how grey his hair had turned in such a short span, though it only added to his charm.

“I assume you are here for Nina?” Cillian leaned against the door frame, smiling handsomely.

“Yeah,” you replied, glancing into the living room where the soft sounds of music floated in the air. “I just wanted to hang out with her for a bit.”

He nodded and stepped aside. “She’s upstairs, in her room," he told you and you stepped inside, taking in the familiar chaos of Nina's world.

"Thanks," you murmured, closing the door behind you.

The living room was untouched—a stark contrast to the organized chaos of Nina’s usual mess. Cillian and Danielle had three children together and the remnants of family life still loomed large in the clutter.

A half-eaten bowl of popcorn sat on the coffee table beside an open script. 'The Story of Thomas Shelby' it said on the cover of it and, whilst you hadn’t meant to peek, your curiosity tugged at you.

"Have you learned your lines yet?" you asked as you plucked the script from the table, scanning the text with a mix of excitement and anxiety.

Cillian chuckled softly, pushing his hands into his pockets. “Some of them," he said and, just before he could ask you about this new role of yours, in the very same movie, you both heard Nina bounding down the stairs, her hair bouncing playfully as she descended.

"There you are!" she exclaimed, throwing her arms around you in a quick embrace. “I thought you’d ditch me for your boyfriend again ,” she teased, her eyes sparkling with mischief.

“Hardly,” you laughed, nudging her shoulder playfully. “You know I would pick our friendship over any guy, even my boyfriend.”

Cillian chuckled, shaking his head mockingly. “Smart girl,” he replied, crossing his arms. “Boys are trouble. Isn't that right, Nina?”

"Jesus dad," Nina groaned, rolling her eyes dramatically. “Can’t you just, I don’t know, be a little less emberassing when I have a friend over?” Nina asked, and Cillian feigned innocence, raising his hands in mock surrender.

“I thought embarrassing you was part of my job description,” he quipped, gaining a playful glare from Nina. “Despite, I am just sharing my wisdom, sweetheart. You’re free to ignore it.”

"Okay dad," Nina said, exasperated yet amused, rolling her eyes again before turning towards you. “Let's go upstairs," she then said as she pulled your arm, leading you up the stairs and away from Cillian's amused smirk.

Once inside her room, the door clicked shut, cutting off the sounds of the music from below.

Nina flopped onto her bed, throwing her limbs out as if to claim the space. Her room, a kaleidoscope of posters and bright-colored cushions, felt alive—almost as if the walls themselves were chattering about the countless dreams and secrets shared within.

"Does your dad live here again now?" you wondered out loud as Nina rolled over, propping herself up on her elbows.

"Yepp, he moved back in two weeks ago," Nina sighed, a mix of relief and concern crossing her face. "Mom’s still being... well, Mom, but they’re trying."

You nodded, sensing the strain beneath her words. "Trying? How's that working out for them?" you asked, cautious to dive deeper after all that happened between them just over nine months ago.

"Fine, I guess," Nina shrugged, the weight of her emotions resting heavily on her furrowed brow. “They go to counseling every Thursday. Mom says it’s progress, but honestly? The tension is still everywhere in the house. You can feel it, like a storm waiting to break.”

"That sounds tough," you said softly, picking at a loose thread on your jeans. "I can't imagine what it’s like to navigate that. I mean, my parents' divorce felt like the world was turned upside down."

Nina nodded, her expression shifting into a contemplative frown. “Yeah, it’s like walking on eggshells sometimes,” she admitted, her gaze drifting to the window where branches swayed gently in the spring breeze.

"And I think dad moved back in because of my little sister as she was really struggling with all of it." Nina sighed, the weight of concern creeping into her voice. "You know that she was caught drinking at a party last month? Dad was furious. They had a massive argument, and I think he felt like he needed to come home to take control of the situation."

You leaned forward, encouraging Nina to share more of her thoughts. “But he is going to be away filming again in five weeks,” you pointed out, shifting your weight as you watched her expression twist between frustration and confusion.

“Yeah, exactly,” she huffed, throwing her head back dramatically. “But by then, hopefully, it will all be sorted out and, apparently, he is coming home every weekend, which is better than nothing, I guess,” Nina said, a hint of hope conflicting with her guarded expression. “But who knows, right?”

She fell silent for a moment, and the room hummed with unspoken thoughts. “I never knew why they broke up in the first place," Nina then continued, her gaze focused on a poster that hung crookedly on the wall.

“Mom always kept it vague,” she said, twisting a strand of hair around her finger. "It was all about 'space' and 'needing to find themselves,' whatever that means," Nina continued, the frustration in her voice palpable. “But I saw how much it hurt him so part of me is happy that they are back together," her voice trailed off, the conflict in her emotions evident.

You nodded, understanding the tumult of loyalty she must have felt. You had been there too, many years ago, but couldn't offer a solution to her emotional quagmire.

“Do you think it’s really genuine?” you asked, leaning back against the wall, arms crossed. “Or just temporary while they sort out this... whatever this is?”

Nina sighed again, her brow furrowing further. “I wish I knew, honestly. Sometimes it feels like they’re just pretending because they don’t want to hurt us. Like a game they have to play for our sake,” she said, her frustration bubbling to the surface. “But then again, they are trying so hard and I hope that they really find each other again before it’s too late," Nina said before wanting to change the topic.

"Now, what about James?" Nina’s gaze sharpened, an eager spark igniting her features. "Tell me! What did he do this time?" she wanted to know, having senses the anger in your voice earlier when she mentioned his name, downstairs.

“Oh, don’t get me started on James!” you exclaimed, throwing your hands up as you let out an exasperated laugh. “He is pissed about me taking that role and being away for two months which, in the acting game, is absolutely nothing!" you vented, pacing back and forth in the confined space of her room now.

Nina arched an eyebrow. “Hehas always been needy and controlling, Y/N. It's nothing new and you really need to ditch him," Nina leaned forward, her eyes narrowing. “You’re on the brink of a breakthrough, and he wants you to put it on hold for his convenience? That’s ridiculous!”

“I know,” you said, exasperation creeping into your tone. “But he keeps saying that we need to focus on 'us' and I just want to scream," you confessed, throwing your hands up in exasperation. “I’m not sure if he even gets what this means for me. It's a reasonably big role and I am new to the scene, so it is a vital opportunity. I just want to prove to myself that I can do this without relying on anyone else and he is just making it harder to breathe right now."

Nina sat forward, her expression shifting from playful to intense. “You know, if he can’t support you now, then he doesn’t deserve to be a part of your life," she explained. "When my dad was new to acting, mom supported him every step of the way. That’s how it should work. You need someone in your corner, not someone dragging you down."

You paced the small room, the weight of her words sinking in. You knew that she was right but change felt daunting. “It’s just hard to think about letting someone go, especially when we’ve been together so long,” you admitted, pulling at your fingers nervously.

Nina shifted, settling in closer on her bed, her expression softening. “I get that," she said, her voice steady. "But you are so young , and it’s stupid to waste your energy on someone who doesn't see your worth," she said and you stopped pacing to sit beside her on the edge of the bed, feeling the warmth of her friendship wrap around you like a familiar blanket.

“Maybe you’re right,” you replied, staring at your hands in your lap, the weight of possibility lingering in the space between you.

Nina nudged your shoulder, a playful smile creeping onto her face. “You know what this calls for?” she declared, leaning in closer, her eyes sparkling with mischief.

“What?” you asked, curiosity piquing as you scanned the room for clues. Nina grinned, her excitement bubbling over.

"A sleepover !" she declared, bouncing on the bed. “We can binge-watch all those cheesy romances we used to love and eat way too much popcorn! It’ll be fun!”

“Count me in!” you laughed, the weight of your earlier worries lightening. Nostalgia tugged at your heart, filling you with the comfort of countless late nights spent wrapped in blankets, laughter echoing through the walls, and secrets safely tucked away under pillows.

You had not done this for years and the thought filled you with a warmth that chased away the creeping shadows of your anxieties.

After seeking her father's permission for you to stay over, which, of course, he gave, Nina's mother and siblings arrived back home with take-away pizza.

As the front door swung open, the rich aroma of cheese and spices wafted into the air, mingling with the faint scent of spring. Danielle, juggling several boxes, called out, “Dinner is served!"

You exchanged a quick glance with Nina, the playful spark returning as she raised her eyebrows, a silent signal to you.

“Perfect timing,” Nina smirked, bouncing off the bed. “Let’s go dig in before my brother demolishes it all!”

You followed her downstairs, where the living room brimmed with jovial chaos. The moment you entered the living room, the scene unfolded like a vibrant tableau. Her siblings crowded around the coffee table, their voices a cacophony of laughter and playful bickering, desperately trying to stake their claim on the best slices of pizza. Cillian perched on the edge of the couch, a bemused smile on his face as he maneuvered around the chaos, playfully mocking his children’s antics while remaining somewhat cold and distance towards Danielle.

You stifled a laugh while Nina whispered to you, “Welcome to the circus that is my family,” she grinned, shaking her head in mock exasperation, not noticing the tension between her parents while, to you, it was obvious.

“Honestly, it’s like a live-action cartoon sometimes,” Nina whispered to you, chuckling as one of her younger siblings dramatically fell over in their attempt to snatch the last slice of pepperoni pizza , sending the others into fits of laughter.

Cillian raised an eyebrow as he watched the chaos unfold with a blend of amusement and a hint of nostalgia. It was clear that he missed this—this vibrant, animated space filled with laughter and love, if only there wasn’t that cloud looming nearby.

Later that evening, you huddled back in Nina's room, the remnants of dinner still fresh on your mind. The familiar chaos had settled into a comfortable silence, the soft glow of fairy lights wrapping the room in a warm embrace.

You both sprawled across the bed, indiscernible snippets of laughter echoing in the haze of pizza grease and satisfaction that lingered in the air. Nina flicked through streaming options on her phone, squinting at the screen as if it held the secrets of the universe. “Okay, how about this one?” she said, perking up as she found a romantic comedy with a title that made you both roll your eyes.

“‘Nah, that looks aweful," you chuckled and, before Nina could even react, you grabbed the phone and began scrolling through the options yourself.

“Let’s find something we can get into,” you proposed, biting back a grin and, after you took charge, it didn't take you long to find something.

"If you can set it up from your phone, I will just go and have my shot," you proposed, tilting your head toward her as you stood up, the friendly banter still lingering in the air.

“Alright!” Nina replied eagerly, taking the phone back from you while you took some time to prepare your insuline shot.

"I will be right back," you said, knowing that she was afraid of needless, which is why you usually administered the drugs in the privacy of a bathroom nearby.

You made your way down the hall, heart racing a bit as you tried to shake off the nerves that always lingered around this ritual.

You hated needles too, but had gotten used to it over the years but, just as you were about to enter the bathroom, the door swung open from the other side.

Cillian stepped out, surprise flashing across his face before it smoothly morphed into concern. He paused, blocking the doorway, his body language shifting to a protective stance.

"You okay, Y/N?" he asked, his deep blue eyes scanning your face as you had inadvertently dropped your syringe.

Kneeling down, Cillian carefully picked up the syringe, the tips of his fingers brushing against yours as he handed it back. The warmth of his touch sent a small shiver down your spine, and you felt suddenly conscious of the awkwardness hanging in the air which was amplified by the fact that he was just wearing some boxer shorts.

You cleared your throat, your cheeks warming as you accepted the syringe back from him, focusing on its metallic sheen to avoid meeting his gaze.

“Yes, thanks,” you said, your voice slightly unsteady.

"How is the new monitor?" he asked, his gaze steady and curious, a hint of genuine concern lacing his tone.

“It's good, just... a bit of a learning curve,” you admitted, your fingers fidgeting with the syringe, battling the sudden onset of nerves.

Cillian nodded, his expression serious but reassuring. "That's good," he said, his voice steady. “You’ll figure it out; it just takes some time.”

You looked up, meeting his gaze briefly, and felt how the moment stretched into something deeper, ut what Cillian said next pulled you from your train of thoughts.

"I saw your dad two days ago. He told me about the new monitor," he clarified before adressing the elephant in the room as well. "And, just so you know, I think that he is uncomfortable with you taking that role for Peaky Blinders—and I get it, with the scenes involved."

You held your breath, the jab of tension sinking deep. A lump formed in your throat as you searched for the right words. “Are you uncomfortable too?" you eventually asked, your heart racing as you gauged his reaction. Cillian's brows furrowed slightly, and he seemed to consider his words carefully.

“No, I am not uncomfortable,” he finally replied, his voice steady but laced with an air of caution. “It’s just… I’ve been in this business long enough to know how things can become awkward when roles cross into personal territories and I'm just worried about how it may impact you, considering that I am your best friend's dad. That's all. I just wanted you to give it some thought," Cillian explained and you took a deep breath, the weight of his words settling heavy in the air between you.

"I gave it some thought already," you said, your voice barely above a whisper. “And the fact that you are my best friend's father doesn't bother me. Honestly," you continued, swallowing hard as you felt a tiny spark of defiance. “I want to prove that I can do this and it doesn't matter who with."

Cillian studied you for a long moment, the seriousness in his gaze unwavering as he processed your words.

Good," he finally said, his voice steady and almost relieved. “Then I have no doubt you’ll do brilliantly," he smiled at you, the corners of his lips lifting in a genuine expression that softened the weight of the conversation.

Relief washed over you, but a small seed of doubt still lingered in the back of your mind. You plastered a smile onto your face, but the implications of what lay ahead nagged at the corners of your consciousness.

There were three intimate scenes in the script, with one of them scheduled for the first week of filming, gnawing at your confidence.

It was more than just a kissing scene. It was a scene where you would both have to be naked in front of the cameras. The thought sent a shiver down your spine, tangled with excitement and fear.

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[xhollandlilsx]

Interview Shenanigans - (Bella Ramsey x Reader)

Summary: Set after TLOU2 has been made and released, Reader plays a character in Dina’s spot. (Sorry Dina).

Warnings: N/A

“Hi I’m Y/N” I smiled at the camera, as I held a bunch of question cards in my hands.

“And I’m Bella, and we are here with moviefone” The brunette next to me beamed holding a set of cards themself.

“And we are gonna be answering some questions, that you guys sent in on instagram and twitter, and then we’re gonna go unscripted and ask our own questions” I nodded looking at them and tilting my head to ask if they were ready, to which they mocked what I was doing and tilted their head too, “I guess we’re ready..”

********

“From Nina W, on Twitter, great question, ‘Did you learn any archery for the role of Ellie?’” I read it aloud, looking at Bella at the end, tapping my non existent nails on the cards in my hand that we had previously written down our unscripted questions.

“I tried, I mean you tried to teach me” Bella laughed slightly at the afternoon I tried to teach them what my dad taught me, and how badly it went, “But no, it’s just.. no.”

“Yeah, I remember you snapped it against your wrist” I laughed holding the cards up to hide it.

“Moving on” They groaned rolling their eyes, “From, Daniel H, on Instagram, ‘Did you manage to steal anything off set Y/N?”

“…” I just let out a laugh before composing myself, “Everything on that set is so expensive, so I think if I were to steal anything, I would get shot. That said… I might’ve taken a certain bracelet…if you know you know.”

“You heard it here folks, Y/N is a thief” They told the camera bringing their lips into a thin line, before looking at me and shaking their head.

“Don’t even pull that one Bella, Ellie’s converse are literally in my wardrobe from when you stole them” I pointed at them, my rings clinking together.

“Wow! Way to out me.” Bella laughed and adjusted their rolled up sleeves.

“We go down together darling.”

***

“Ooo unscripted, let’s be having it, ask me anything Bella.” I challenged turning my body to face them.

“Hmm okay, I actually wanna know this one, when did you realise you weren’t heterosexual?” They asked, before moving that card to the back of the pile.

“Damn, loaded question, I honestly can’t even remember, there’s a lot of women to thank for that,” I smiled, “But I think I was about 13 and I was watching ‘Bend it like Beckham’ and I saw Kiera Knightley or Jade West… has a uh, special place in my heart”

“I’ve actually never seen that film, but I have seen her in Pirates Of The Caribbean and I don’t blame you” They laughed slightly and shrugged.

“We’ll watch it.” I told them and nodded, “Okay, okay, from Mason M on Instagram, ‘What was your favourite non action scene to shoot?’”

“Wow, I like that one, hm, maybe the weed room scene” They mumbled scratching the back of their neck and side eyeing me, to which I let out a laugh, “No no, I think….I think the farm scenes were quite fun, they were cute, or the scene where Ellie finds out Maisie is pregnant”

“Aw I liked that one too” I smiled, and bounced my knee, something I usually did in interviews due to how uncomfortable cameras made me, ironic isn’t it?

“Yeah, the ‘Don’t worry it’s not yours’ always gets me” We both laughed and mumbled to eachother, stuff the camera definitely isn’t picking up on.

“I did like the farm scenes though, especially the one where they’re dancing in the kitchen” I smiled and looked at them with a knowing look, knowing the two of us do that quite alot, randomly dancing around the kitchen to Alexa, while the other is doing something.

“Yeah, that one’s cute” Bella nodded and saw another unscripted pop up on the screen to the side of the camera.

“Unscripted.” I smiled and picked up my cards flopping through them and sighing at how none of them are exciting anymore, so I put them down and brought a hand to my bottom lip messing with it like I usually did while in thought, “See I already know everything about you, so I’m really only asking this for people watching.”

“True true”

“Okay, if the apocalypse were to break out tomorrow, who would you want with you and why?” I asked with a shrug, knowing the question wasn’t good but giving up.

“You. Probably” They squinted closing one eye as they looked at me, messing with one of their earrings.

“Really? Why?”

“Well I mean, you’re good at archery, and you’re pretty much a real life version of my character so I think my odds are better with you, plus, as corny as it sounds I don’t think I’d last without seeing you” They smiled with a shrug laying the cards face down in their lap now.

“Aw that was so cringy but I loved it. And love, you are giving me way too much credit” I laughed.

“Okay who would you not want to be with if it happened?” They asked crossing a leg over their other one resting their ankle on their knee.

“Ki, probably” I scrunched my nose up, knowing he would probably agree but still pretend to be hurt.

“Yeah, he’s not apocalypse material”

“He’s really not. If you don’t know Ki plays Jesse in the show, who is a badass yeah, but Ki is the total opposite. No hard feelings though, love you bro” I laughed as Bella did too both of us covering our smiles with the cards, “Dude cried watching Mamma Mia.”

***

“Last question for both of us here. ‘When did you realise you were interested in eachother and who made the first move?’” They read it out to which I just bought my fingers to the bridge of my nose, Bella and I were quite open about our relationship, but I was an expert at showing the fans everything but nothing, never truly showing them anything other than a random photo here and there.

“When did you realise you liked me?” I asked, a question I already knew the answer to, a question I asked months ago while we were half awake in bed.

“The moment I met you” They smiled slightly eyes trained on me now, from my hair in a messy bun with curled pieces hanging down and framing my face, and falling out of the bun, to my dark green waistcoat, down to my rings and my matching trousers.

“Go on”

“We first met a day before we had to film the snowball fight scene, and we had to do that bonding thing, and you came over and introduced yourself to me with so much confidence and I remember just thinking ‘this girls so cool’ and I was just infatuated” They cringed.

“I acted confident but I was so nervous” I told the camera.

“Why were you nervous?” They asked me looking at me like I had two heads.

“Because I thought you were cute” I replied tilting my head and looking at them, their brown eyes I could get lost in every time.

“I swear I hate you sometimes” They groaned as they rubbed their cheeks to hide the smile that just wouldn’t go away from the camera.

“No you don’t” I winked and we both looked back at the camera.

***

“Thanks to Moviefone for having us. I now want a McDonalds so I will meet you in the car” I told them before standing up and walking off to grab my bag from the chair behind the cameras and directors of the interview.

“I…” Bella watched me walk away leaving them on their own in front of the camera, to which they let out a laugh, “She serious?”

Once they said their goodbyes, they walked over to me shaking their head and nudging me.

A/N: Using they/them pronouns for a fan fiction is still new to me, so please bare with me, and if there’s any gendered pronouns in there please ignore them. Anyway I had this idea, that sounded better in my head but here you go none the less.

[grandlinedreams]

hello!! i absolutely adore your stories so i was wondering if you could do one with zoro, and the reader falls down the stairs (but yknow survives, sorry kuina💀) and the reader gets like a broken nose or sprained ankle or something and zoro is just like super worried

i understand if you don’t want to do it but have a great day/night 🫶🏻🫶🏻

I'm going to resist making a "down d. stairs" joke but wkdnd absolutely, I can do that!! I hope this is to your liking!!

"I don't see why you're the one carrying this stuff. Didn't you say the old lady had a son? Why can't he do it?"

"Because, Zoro," you sigh as you adjust your grip on the box of carefully wrapped bottles, "Her son broke his arm last week. And it's nice to do things for people when we can." A smile tugs at your lips. "Makes us not seem so bad for a bunch of pirates."

Zoro scoffs. "We're pirates, [name]. We're not supposed to be nice."

"Says the man who ate onigiri off the ground for a little girl," you say, snickering when he aims a glare your way.

"Who told you about that?"

"Who do you think?" You shake your head, amused. "Who knew Roronoa Zoro could be such a softie?"

"You're gonna think softie in a minute," Zoro grumbles, ignoring the fact that his threat makes little to no sense as he trails after you. You're not even sure why he's chosen to tag along ㅡ boredom, perhaps.

"Ah, there you are." The older woman who'd asked for your help in the first place ㅡ Nina, she'd introduced herself as ㅡ pushes away from where she'd been resting on a crate near the door to her home. "I was afraid you'd gotten lost."

"My apologies," you say, "I was joined by one of my crewmates, I hope that you don't mind."

Nina looks at Zoro, her silent assessment making him bristle at the scrutiny before Nina says, "You look like you could use a good meal, the both of you. Why don't you stay for lunch? It's the least I can do."

Zoro frowns. "No wㅡ"

"We'd love to," you interrupt, silencing him with the hard jab of your elbow into his ribs. When Nina turns and heads down the hallway, you hiss, "Zoro, don't be rude."

He opens his mouth to say something, only to halt as Nina returns. "Could you take those downstairs for me, dear? And would your friend mind helping me with lunch?"

Part of you balks at the idea of Zoro helping Nina with food ㅡ after all, there's a reason he isn't trusted in the kitchen ㅡ but Zoro is answeing for you before you can stop him.

"I'm on it. Whatever gets us out of here faster." Nina seems unphased by his attitude, and he dodges the kick you aim at the back of his leg with a smirk.

"Brat," you huff, then peer around for the aforementioned stairs. There's a solitary door nearby, and you prop the box on your hip to open it, finding a set of stairs descending down below.

Given the dim lighting, your descent is slow. Taking it step by step, you shiver at the draft of damp, musty air that sweeps up towards you, tightening your grip on the box.

It happens when you're about two thirds of the way down the steps. The stairs are undeniably damp now, slick with condensation ㅡ and then you're losing your footing and tumbling down the last handful of steps.

Reflex can only do so much and with both arms occupied by the box of bottles, you have no way to brace yourself. Your shoulder slams into concrete first, followed by the crack of your head bouncing off it as well, making your vision blur with the searing pain that follows.

"Fuck," you breathe as you push yourself upright, hissing at the throbbing of your shoulder before you freeze at the slow slip of something from your nose. Bringing your hand up to swipe your fingers against it, you don't need good lighting to know what the sticky warmth is. "Well, shit."

You take a minute to assess the damage. The box of brown paper wrapped bottles is unbroken ㅡ you wish you could say the same for yourself. There's the deep throb of pain from your shoulder that all the way down into your fingertips, then the blood oozing from your nose.

Nothing is broken ㅡ you hope, anyways. It takes a minute to ease yourself onto your feet, closing your eyes against the way it makes your head spin for a second before you head back up the stairs.

You grip the railing as tight as you can, half-pulling yourself up the steps. By the time you reach the top your other arm is straddling somewhere between pins and needles and being completely numb, and you're certain blood from your nose has dripped onto your clothing.

Opening the door, you shut it behind you and rest against it for a moment before moving towards the faint sound of voices coming from Nina's kitchen.

"Oi, what took you so long?" Zoro asks, teasing in his tone as he turns from where he's picking up a plate of sandwiches (made by Nina, who hadn't really needed help so much as wanted company) ㅡ and freezing when he spots you.

You've clapped a hand over your nose to hide most of it, but there's nothing to be done for the limp weight of your arm or the mess you've made of your shirt.

"Oh dear!" Nina hurries forward, concern clear on her face as she stares at you. "What happened? Are you okay?"

"I slipped on one of the stairs," you say, "Nothing in the box broke, though."

"That's hardly important right now," Nina huffs. "I've told Luke we need to fix things downstairs before somebody gets hurt, and now look at you."

"I'll be okay, don't worry," you tell Nina and look towards Zoro in silent plea for him to help back you up, only to find that he's still staring at you with an unreadable expression.

"Poor thing," coos Nina. "I know I have a first-aid kit around here somewhere, and I can make you an ice-pack..."

"That's really not necessary, Miss Nina." Her fussing is starting to make you a little uncomfortable, especially given that you've had far worse than this. "I'll beㅡ"

"We're leaving." Zoro's tone is sharp as he strides towards you, ignoring the way your brow furrows.

"What aboutㅡ" You yelp as Zoro lifts you up, all but slinging you over his shoulder and leaving you to prop yourself up against his back. "Zoro! Put me down!"

"Sorry about this, but we're leaving." Zoro opts to completely ignore you, arm locked against your legs and undeterred by the way you squirm. "We have a doctor back on our ship who can patch them up."

Nina looks like she wants to argue for a moment before she nods, slipping ahead of Zoro to open the door for him. You struggle harder, smacking your good hand against Zoro's back.

"Stop treating me like I'm a sack of potatoes!" Zoro waits until he's a good bit away from Nina's before he halts, and your hope that he's going to listen to you is crushed by the way he simply adjusts so that now he's got you in a princess carry. "Zoro!"

"Quit complaining," Zoro bites back, "you want to drip blood everywhere?"

You quiet for a moment. "...Sunny's to the left." Zoro turns, and you groan. "Your other left." Zoro grips you a little tighter, but otherwise doesn't snap back as he follows your instructions. "I don't get what the big deal is, anyways. So I fell down the steps a little and now I have a bloody nose, but I'm fine."

Zoro's grip tightens to the point that it almost hurts. "Kuina."

Your head tilts. "Kuina? Your childhood friend?" He'd mentioned her to you once or twice before, the fact that she was part of his driving force to become the world's best swordsman. He'd gone tightlipped when you asked what had happened to her, and you knew better than to press.

"...she fell down the stairs," he says, voice uncharacteristically soft. "And...she died."

Oh. Guilt pools in your stomach, sinking feeling flooding your veins as Zoro walks. No wonder he'd given you that look at your flippancy of your situation. "Zoro, Iㅡ"

"It's fine." His tone is flat. "It was a long time ago."

You know that it isn't fine, that Zoro's too stubborn to admit when something bothers him like this ㅡ so you sigh, letting the tension in your muscles ease. "I'm not going anywhere, you know. Not any time soon."

Zoro says nothing at first and you think maybe you've said something wrong in trying to comfort him ㅡ and then his grip softens on you, just a little. "Good," he says, and you can hear the relief in his tone. "It'd be boring without you."

[lookwhatyoumademedohaha]

And that kids is, how I met your mother Chapter 2 - Labyrinth

It only feels this raw right now Lost in the labyrinth of my mind Break up, break free, break through, break down You would break your back to make me break a smile You know how much I hate that everybody just expects me to bounce back Just like that

Uh oh, I'm falling in love Oh no, I'm falling in love again Oh, I'm falling in love I thought the plane was going down How'd you turn it right around

Summary: Nikolai Lantsov and you attend an extravagant and gorgeous ball. Nikolai falls for you harder head over heels but will you face the labyrinth of new feelings that begin to emerge?

Pairing: Nikolai Lantsov x Reader, Nikolai Lantsov x Six of Crows Reader, Kaz Brekker x Reader, Zoya Nazyalensky x Reader (Platonic), Nina Zenik x Reader (Platonic), Genya Safin x Reader (Platonic) 

Warnings: Pure tooth rotting fluff, angst and comfort, lots of humor, awesome friendships, unrequited love that might be requited, denial, pining, jealousy and slight violence.

A/N: Hi everyone! This is my first Nikolai Lantsov fic so I was very surprised and grateful for the love, support and kindness you all showered upon me! Thank you very much! Here is the Part 2 to this work and I hope you all like it. I don’t think it ends here, there’s a bit more to go but I’m excited! Let me know your thoughts and comments on my work because it means a lot to me! I love you all! Happy reading!

Chapter 1 - Until I Found Her 

Chapter 3 - Call it what you want

Chapter 4 - Someone to Stay

Chapter 5 - Cornelia Street

You looked at yourself in the gilded mirrors in the hallway of the palace, hearing the melodious notes of the orchestral grand music and the lively chatter of nobles behind the door you were about to enter. You looked at yourself inspecting Genya’s, Zoya’s and Nina’s work on you. You looked ethereal and dreamy, a princess out of a fairytale and yet the girls had not diminished the fierceness of spirit and your heart that kept on fighting for the ones you loved. You fidgeted with your beautiful dress grumbling but secretly feeling thrilled and happy to be wearing such a spectacular and dazzling dress that made you feel on top of the world. 

A snarky voice behind her said “Stop fidgeting with your dress!”

You nearly punched this person reflexively but Zoya was quick to catch your punch and gently lower your arm as she stood behind you with Genya and Nina who were the sparkling epitome of beauty. You were certain that Zoya, Genya and Nina were going to be the belles of the ball, the envy of every single princess in the party and admired by every single nobleman. 

They entered the ballroom as you felt apprehensive and nervous because - because what? You had been to many high society galas and balls as an undercover spy on missions for Kaz during your stay in Ketterdam. But this ball was different. This was a party where you had no purpose of enticing intel or being the distraction. The only purpose of this ball for you was to have fun and enjoy yourself which was a foreign concept to you. 

And also Nikolai, the King of Ravka, your friend would be here. 

Genya noticed your nervousness straightaway as she placed her arm around you comfortingly “You look magnificent, Y/N! Don’t be nervous, we’ll be keeping you company!”

“It’s true, you do look divine. Y/N, look at you all grown up and beautiful and going off to sweep the King of Ravka off his feet!” teased Nina playfully with a grin as Zoya tried to hide an amused smile but failed miserably as a wide smile curved on her face. 

You glared at the three girls who burst into laughter who seem to have fun teasing you about Nikolai’s infatuation with you as you rolled your eyes and Zoya joined in the fun “Nikolai likes you very much. He won’t know what hit him when he sees you, Y/N. He’s already like a lost puppy who follows you around.”

Genya eyed Zoya who slightly nodded with a smirk as Genya replied hopefully “Well, perhaps tonight you could get to know him a little better. You might even find yourself secretly interested him.”

You had to control yourself from strangling Genya in the middle of the ballroom because you and Nikolai were never going to happen as you replied sarcastically “I cannot think of any cleverer way to say this but... no!”

The girls laughed and Genya winked subtly at Zoya who added her fuel to the fire as she said “Well, Nikolai won’t have time for you. He’ll be too busy with important business.”

You generally wouldn’t have inquired but something in the way Zoya pronounced and implied that Nikolai would be busy with important business aroused your curiosity as you inquired “What do you mean?”

“He is the King of Ravka and he needs to find himself a suitable queen to secure Ravka. Tonight’s ball is about finding the perfect queen for Ravka among all the eligible girls here.” replied Zoya steely and firmly as she looked at Nikolai who was busy talking to ambassadors and then glanced at you who wore a thoughtful and quiet expression. “I suppose this is happy news to you. After all, he won’t be bothering you for long.”

It certainly was not a ball to find an eligible queen for Nikolai. Zoya and Genya had a bet with Nina about whether or not you would get together with Nikolai and Genya and Zoya who liked you and knew no one could resist Nikolai for long had bet that you would have feelings for Nikolai before you leave Ravka and get together later on. Zoya and Genya who didn’t want to lose the bet had found an excuse to host a ball on some Saint’s festival and both of them organized this ball of romance and beauty like a military campaign. Zoya and Genya had their fingers crossed as they observed you and Nikolai. If they were lucky, they would win the bet and tonight would be the night you would perhaps feel something more for Nikolai.

You felt a strange sense of odd hurt and slight pain sting you at the thought of Nikolai marrying another girl. You felt quiet bitterness and an aching hollow numb feeling ringing through you as you thought of the charming golden boy who was too good for this world, who smiled too brightly hiding his vulnerabilities and insecurities giving everything for a thankless country marrying a beautiful princess. You knew that you didn’t like him, you loved Kaz. You knew Nikolai had to do his duty and marry a princess for Ravka. But as you sipped your champagne, you didn’t feel easy at the thought of it and you felt horrible for feeling this way because you didn’t love Nikolai in a romantic way. 

Then why did you want to set something on fire? 

At that very moment, a Lord who you didn’t know interrupted your thoughts as he asked you to dance and you looked at Zoya and Genya who had vanished and Nina who was at the table munching on cakes with a laugh at your torture. You glared at those traitors wherever they were and you refused to dance with him. 

You made your way to the food table where Nina was indulging in the cakes as you glared at her “Traitor! I was in danger and you left me!”

“Lord Kirigan just asked you to dance.” said Zoya appearing out of nowhere with a grin. “It’s no big deal. It’s not torture in a locked dungeon.”

You punched her in the arm as she smirked and you smirked back “Well, I refused and suggested that he should ask you. And, he seemed to agree greatly to that idea.”

You smirked in amusement as Zoya grew slightly pale as she saw Kirigan approach her with an enthusiastic wide lovestruck smile and you grinned at Zoya with a teasing twinkle in your eyes “It’s no big deal, Zoya. It’s not torture in a locked dungeon.”

“Saints! If he asks, I have left the country with no plans of coming back!” exclaimed Zoya who glared at you fiercely as she disappeared quickly through the crowd avoiding Kirigan’s advances while Nina and you laughed in amusement. 

Both of you stopped laughing when Kirigan inquired after Zoya and Nina decided to have mercy on Zoya as she drawled sweetly “Zoya died eighteen years ago. I haven’t seen her since the funeral.”

After getting rid of Kirigan, you and Nina enjoyed the champagne and the delightful food while gossiping in amusement and mingling with the crowd. It was different from your missions where you always had to be alert and ready for trouble beneath your charming demeanor. You began to enjoy the party as you were introduced to new people who you liked and chatted charmingly

But you felt Nikolai’s gaze burning into you the moment you had entered. From the moment you had entered to every step you took, you could feel his intense and heated gaze following you with such burning desire that you refused to meet his eyes for the fear of drowning in them. It was such a beautiful and foreign sensation, to have someone so conscious of every little thing you did and adore and worship it. You knew that it couldn’t be possible. After all tonight was about finding the perfect queen for Nikolai and you weren’t simply interested in him and unsuitable for such a position. You were glad for Nikolai but something didn’t feel right within you. 

But your thoughts were still of Kaz Brekker even though Nina had bought you here to forget him. The distance between both of you only made it worse for you as you thought of whether Kaz missed you as much as you missed him and wondered whether he thought of you like you thought of him whenever you saw everything that called out his name to you. This heartbreak felt eternal as it killed you over and over again and sometimes you found yourself looking over to tell Kaz something enthusiastically but realized that he was no longer there, no longer part of your life. 

It felt cruel to suffer like this. Only love could hurt like this. And you never wanted to feel like this again. You wanted this distance to knock some sense into Kaz and make him realize that you were the one he loved. But it had been weeks and there was no word from him. No letters from him. You hadn’t expected Kaz to turn up at Ravka and make a grand romantic gesture but you would be lying if you hadn’t expected at least a letter inquiring about you. You felt burning pain and hurt as tears sprung into your eyes at the thought of the Bastard of Barrel who still managed to haunt you and ruin your happiness even in his absence. 

You were chatting with your new friend Princess Ameera who was kind and nice as you both chewed on the sweet cupcakes when suddenly you were interrupted by a gentleman you asked you “Miss Y/L/N, will you do me the honor of dancing with me?”

You looked around for Ameera who had conveniently ducked behind a potted plant and you looked at the gentleman who certainly did not match up to Nikolai’s aristocratic charm and handsomeness. 

And hell, why in the name of Saints were you suddenly thinking of him?

“No.” you replied bluntly and you were certain the potted plant laughed out loud.

The gentleman looked offended as he turned red and marched away. You were glad because now maybe your horrible behavior toward the gentleman would spread and you wouldn’t be asked to dance by men who didn’t know how to dance. 

Ameera emerged, her face red in laughter “You are splendid!”

Ameera and you laughed but your joy was short lived when a line of military officers and noble gentlemen queued to ask your hand for a dance but you brutally turned them down. You had anticipated this as one of the outcomes but it frustrated you that these men who thought themselves as intelligent didn’t understand the meaning of no. One after another you refused to dance with them simply because you didn’t feel like they would be a good dancer. 

Now you were turning down a Colonel who had thought you were an interesting woman who could be won for a dance as he made conversation with you “I must admit, Miss Y/L/N, I have admired you from afar for some time. You caught my eye the very first moment I saw you.”

For the love of all the Saints, did this man have nothing original in his pocket. You rolled your eyes not noticing Nikolai look at you in observant amusement as you retorted “Why on earth would I catch your eye? Your eyeballs look in perfect place to me. I’m not in habit of catching eyes, let me assure that. I’m more of a catching decapitated heads lady.”

You took pleasure in seeing the life drain out of his face in fear but he tried a different tactic “May I have the -”

You immediately replied wanting to get this over with “No, you may not dance with me. Why don’t you go find another partner who actually wants to dance with you? Goodbye.”

You heaved a sigh of gratitude and Ameera who had been witnessing this grinned “I wish I could refuse men the way you do. It is a wonder to witness.”

Your eyes involuntarily skipped toward Nikolai who was surrounded by a gaggle of beautiful princesses and pretty ladies as he flashed his charming smile and said something that made them laugh. You felt something quite fierce and protective in your heart at the sight as you bit fiercely into your macaroon. 

Ameera smiled knowingly as she eyed you glaring at Nikolai who was popular among the ladies as she queried politely “You admire King Nikolai Lantsov?”

“No!” you denied immediately and fiercely, shocked at the very thought as you swallowed your food and smiled tightly thinking of Nikolai surrounded by all those beautiful princesses and yet the fact he hadn’t paid a single ounce of attention to you stung you “We are friends.”

“I hear he is a good man and a great king with wise plans for change.” replied Ameera conversationally. 

“Well, if you want to dance with him, you will have to wait. There is quite a long line of admirers.” you replied sarcastically and snarkily as you bit into your macaroon again glaring at a princess who touched Nikolai’s shoulder flirtily with a coy smile to which he responded with a charming grin. 

“Yes, you are right. I must not lose my chance. It was a pleasure meeting you, Miss Y/N Y/LN.” said Ameera sincerely as she nodded at you kindly and sweetly and left to meet Nikolai. 

You watched Princess Ameera approach Nikolai and you saw her pointing toward you with a kind smile saying to Nikolai that you had suggested she should dance with him and Nikolai raised his eyebrows at you and you immediately looked away stuffing your mouth with two macaroons. 

As you occupied yourself with observing people and eavesdropping shamelessly at their scandalous conversations and eating the amazing sweets, you found your thoughts wandering toward Kaz Brekker, wishing that he was here with you. Their last mission had been a grand party like this where they had played the role of a married couple, where Kaz had been absolutely devoted and loving toward you with burning desire and affection in his eyes only for you as it all felt beautiful and too good to be true. Then the clock had struck midnight and the fairytale had ended with Kaz Brekker breaking your heart cruelly, tearing you apart with his cold words that made you realize you were a fool for him while he had been enjoying playing the game to achieve his goals. 

Your hand flew toward the simple silver necklace that had a gold ring hanging from it. The ring was stunning and simple with a charm of the silhouette of a Crow engraved on it and the letter R carved into it. It was the ring he had gifted to you with an involuntary soft smile for your mission as a fake couple because he wanted you to keep and wear it. He had placed the ring on your finger with a soft glint in his eyes as he smoothed your palm with his hand and briefly and softly kissed the your hand. It had been intimate and affectionate, exactly like a real proposal between two lovers who wanted to spend a lifetime with each other. This ring was special to you because it gave you hope that you were his and he wanted it that way. 

It felt all too much for you, you were suffocating and you couldn’t breathe as you rushed out of the ballroom to find fresh air and peace as tears sprung into your eyes and your heart ached cruelly tearing you into pieces. You didn’t know where you were, all you knew was you were sitting on the floor as you heaved heavy breaths trying to calm yourself down. 

You heard someone sit next to you and Zoya’s calm and collected voice echoed toward you “Hello you.”

You didn’t reply engulfed in your sorrow and heartbreak and Zoya who had seen you run away out of the ballroom wanted to check up on you. Zoya had seen Nikolai who had been in the middle of negotiations with an ambassador look at you in concern and desperation as he tried to excuse himself to check up on you but the ambassador seemed steadfast on keeping a grip on the King of Ravka. 

Zoya wanted to know why you looked so pale as she said offering a bottle of brandy “Why did you leave the party?”

You took a gulp of brandy and then a deep breath as you replied in a voice trembling with grief and hurt “It reminded me of.... a person. This enigmatic person who I let get into my head. Trust me, he doesn’t leave.”

Zoya knew who exactly you were talking about as she looked over at you because she had experience with enigmatic people and the aftermath of dealing with the grief of losing them and how they let you down so easily as she queried, taking the bottle of brandy from you “This enigmatic person of yours... is your what exactly?”

You were taken aback by the question as you pondered over it and replied quietly “He’s... he’s not my anything.”

“Oh, you mean you are just friends.” replied Zoya easily in understanding as she nursed the comforting thought of throwing Kaz Brekker into a canal the next time she met him as she drank the brandy. 

“Yes, we’re just friends.” you said quickly, too quickly for it to be true as the lie felt bitter on your tongue. You took the bottle of brandy to your lips and the memories of Kaz Brekker, his little soft smile reserved for you until he had become cold and cruel breaking your heart into a million pieces flashed through your mind as you breathed in “Not even friends... not anymore. He’s not the man I thought he was and I hate that.”

“Oh, he was wrong, cruel, mean, underhanded, thoughtless, heartless and arrogant beyond belief.” summed Zoya understanding exactly how you felt because when she had heard of the Darkling’s atrocious act, she had been shaken in pain and disbelief because that was not the man who she had known and cared for. Zoya remembered questioning why the Darkling had become that way and how she could have fallen for his act. “He betrayed you and everything you stood for.”

“Exactly!” you stated looking at Zoya who was drinking the brandy who had summed up your feelings about Kaz Brekker excellently.

Zoya looked at you with a determined glint in her eyes “So are you saying goodbye and ending it? Why are you crying over him instead of enjoying the party in there?”

“I came to Ravka to distance myself from him. I can’t just say goodbye and end everything on a slammed door.” you replied seriously, your eyes widened as a hollow and numb pit began to form at the idea of just leaving Kaz Brekker without a word. The thought of leaving Kaz Brekker, the Bastard of the Barrel even if he was the boy who broke your heart, was incredibly strange and daunting. You could never think of leaving him because... because who would you be without him? Kaz Brekker for all his faults and flaws was the person who had seen your set of skills and given you purpose in life. 

“Yes you can! Anyone can do it! People do it all the time.” exclaimed Zoya honestly and sharply as she watched you drink thoughtfully and nudged you as she raised her eyebrows knowingly “Except of course... when they can’t.”

“Life would be so much simpler if we liked the right people. The people we are supposed to like.” said Zoya contemplatively and quietly thinking of her past with the Darkling as you lay your head on her shoulder glad to have a strong soul who understood you. You felt your breath quicken at Zoya’s words as you thought of Nikolai and Kaz, how vastly different they were and your eyes grew misty “But I suppose then, there wouldn’t be fairytales.”

Fairytales. What a nice and simple word for a fantasy that didn’t exist. In Ketterdam, there was no room for fairytales and yet you were a believer in happily ever after and dreamed of having your own fairytale once you met Kaz Brekker. That was your mistake. You should never have dreamed. You should have never believed that you were someone who deserved to find happiness and true love. Those were purely reserved for good heroes who triumphed in stories. 

You replied curtly “I grew up out of fairytales.”

“So did I. I suppose we have something more in common.” said Zoya smiling fondly at you and then got up as she held out her hand to you with a sisterly expression “This enigmatic person of yours... would you trade them for reliable and dull?”

“My person’s a bit different.” you replied with a knowing smile as you thought of Kaz who was dark and mysterious, full of secrets and schemes.

Zoya grinned as she flung an arm around you “Come on, dry your eyes. Don’t waste a second thinking about him. That’s what he wants, to ruin everything you have but don’t give him the satisfaction of letting him get in the way of enjoying your life.”

“And maybe one day... you can end it on a slammed door and trade him for kind and charming.” advised Zoya with a motherly smile as she leaned her head against yours comfortingly raising the bottle of brandy to your good health making you giggle a little. 

“Alright then, my plan for tonight is to get fucked up beyond recognition!” you replied merrily as you took the bottle of the brandy and took a gulp from it while Zoya grinned in approval and cheered for you.

Both of you made it to the ballroom laughing and talking when Kirigan cornered Zoya who looked like she was ready for battle and you pitied the poor fellow. Zoya was slowly becoming like a sister to you and you admired her fierce and strong composure. But as Zoya battled Kirigan fiercely in his attempts to woo her, your eyes flicked toward a few gentlemen who were near you and near the hearing range of Nikolai. 

You grew curious as you edged a little closer to them with a wine glass in your hand and you heard one of the gentleman, his voice full of glee and juicy gossip as he exclaimed “You haven’t heard?”

Heard what? Spill the tea, good fellow because your ears were open.

Your instincts as a spy were activated as you kept your ears open while you smiled encouragingly at Kirigan who was chatting Zoya who looked like she was battling an army of volcra and you observed the company. It was the Duke Romanov, a few prominent Lords you recognized and a wealthy merchant. 

You pretended to be clueless but really you were sipping on your glass of wine as you listened to their chatter as Duke Romanov said in a drawn out voice that aroused curiosity “King Nikolai is the finest king we have ever had the good fortune to have! I do have a shocking piece of information I need to share regarding him but I cannot do so because I cannot taint my reputation by becoming known as a gossip.”

You rolled your eyes because honestly when men said women were the gossips, it amused you. Men were worse than women when it came to gossiping.

You could practically see Lord Radimov salivating as he said “Yes. You have something of importance, Duke?”

You carefully stepped toward them hiding among the crowd as another girl who had eyes out for an eligible suitor, unnoticeable and invisible to them curious to hear what Duke Romanov who was famous for being a gossip with plenty of juicy stories and wicked rumors to share. You had heard that he had argument with Nikolai regarding one of Nikolai’s reforms of integrating Grisha and non - Grisha for unity because the Duke believed taxing the poor and building useless infrastructure was a better reform.

“I cannot say, my dear gentlemen.” said Duke Romanov grandly to the company “It is merely a rumor and I would never dream of slandering our great King’s character.”

You were amazed at people’s ability to lie so casually and carelessly as you listened to the present company reassure him “We will not tell anyone.”

Lord Devington nodded solemnly “You know us, Duke. We are not men who spread untruths. We would never dream of it.”

It was really amazing as you hid an amused grin at these gentlemen being scandalous gossips waiting impatiently for the Duke to spill whatever scandalous story he was withholding about Nikolai. You wondered whether it was about his wild youth or days in the army. Whatever it was, it seemed shocking to the Duke who you had classified information on. You had information on nearly everyone in the court. You were a spy first and foremost and your instincts sought for information you could use and indulge in. You couldn’t turn it off just because you were on holiday. 

Duke Romanov gave in with a dramatic sigh as he said in a sincere voice that you almost believed “Well alright, but only if you promise not to repeat a word of it.”

Lord Justinbury repeated “We promise. Does it have something to do with his days before he became King?”

Now your ears were wide open as you felt curiosity as you breathed in while the Duke smiled indulgently and said nastily in a low voice you could hear after years of practice as a spy “That’s exactly it, Lord Justinbury. The shocking part is... that before he became king, he prided himself on being a pirate among scumbags and thieves. Called himself Sturmhond.”

Oh dear! He actually cared about getting out of the bubble of royalty and mixing with commoners! How scandalous!

You grinned involuntarily as you thought of the tales of Sturmhond you had heard and your grin grew wider at the thought of Nikolai pretending to be a privateer in the seas as he worked among common folk and thugs. Well, well, how very naughty of Nikolai, breaking all the traditions of the upperclass Ravka. This just made you like him more. 

One gentleman exclaimed “Heavens! The fact that our King has degraded himself so -”

“Rubbing shoulders with terrifying thieves and common folk! That’s hardly a behavior suitable for a King!” exclaimed one of the other Lords while you held back screeches of amused laughter at how dramatic these men were. 

Duke Romanov was not done with his story yet as he added with glee “And he has worked for a living sailing all around the world and making friends with thieves in an awful place in Kerch!”

“Oh my - dear Duke Romanov, you don’t mean to tell me our beloved King has mingled with low scumbags - from what’s that terrible, awful, terrifying place of hell -”

“Ketterdam.” another gentleman supplied helpfully.

Yeah, sounded about right. If there was a hell on earth with every evil, terrible, awful thing that the Pandora’s box unleashed, it was Ketterdam itself ruled by the Bastard of the Barrel who was worse than the devil.

“They do not have a proper system of governance like us, do they?” asked another gentleman scandalized at the very thought of no king ruling Ketterdam.

You suppressed a snort of laughter as you replied in your head sarcastically “Worse. They have Kaz Brekker, Dirtyhands. If you ever visit Ketterdam, make certain to get on his bad side and he will welcome you warmly.”

Duke Romanov was enjoying the effect his story had on his friends as he whispered conspiratorially in a shocked voice “That’s not even the shocking part!”

Lord Seisthorne replied wide eyed “My dear Duke, what could be more shocking than your revelations this evening?”

Oh you thought that was a bold question for Lord Seisthorne to ask considering the juicy information who were holding in your head regarding him. 

Lord Justinbury queried innocently “Does it have something to do with how quickly he inherited the throne?”

“That’s exactly the most shocking part. Isn’t it suspicious how after a long time he suddenly took interest in the throne and worked very hard for it?” asked Duke Romanov delightfully as he exclaimed with a grin “I have heard from a reliable source our King is a Fjerdan born bastard who has no right to sit on the throne!” 

You froze in shock. It was apparent Nikolai had heard it and you weren’t the only one who froze in shock. Zoya and Kirigan who were arguing had also stopped in shock as they looked over at Nikolai protectively and loyally and glared daggers at the gossiping Duke.

You had heard whispers but you didn’t want to believe it unless it came from Nikolai. And as you looked over at Nikolai, it was absolutely clear to you that he had heard it. Nikolai looked charming and undisturbed as he sipped on his drink and yet as you looked closer you saw his shoulders stiffen tensely, his happy hazel eyes flicker with pain and betrayal and his charming smile unnoticeably slightly waver at the corners of his mouth. 

It was as if he was used to it. 

Oh hell no. Hell no! No way you were allowing this gossiping Duke to strip your Prince of his arrogance and pride. Yes, you thought of Nikolai as ridiculous, proud and charming but that was his armor. No one had the right to strip away his armor, take away his pride and hurt him. You would not let anyone do that. 

Alright, so now the fun was going to start. 

Before anyone could stop you, you had marched to Duke Romanov with a charming smile “Duke Romanov! It’s time for our dance!”

Duke Romanov who had not been introduced to you looked at you skeptically “Do we know each other, Miss...”

“Oh believe me, you have not had that pleasure yet. But I believe we can change that for the dance floor calls!” you exclaimed with a delighted smile plastered on your face as you took his hand with a wink and he let himself guide you to the dance floor confused yet fine with what was happening. 

The dance began as the confused Duke guided you across the dance floor and he looked at you in confusion but his confusion melted away to awe when you flashed your sweet smile at him unaware that Nikolai was gripping his wine glass very tightly burning a hole into the Duke’s head as you said pleasantly “Duke Romanov, I understand you are not happy with King Nikolai Lantsov.”

“Who are you?” asked the Duke, his smile fading slightly.

“None of your business.” you said with a charming and sassy smile as you pressed yourself closer to him and felt satisfied when the Duke groaned in pain as you pressed a butter knife you had picked from the table. You smiled brightly as you raised your eyebrows and pressed the knife into his torso “Keep smiling brightly and dancing.”

“Just so we are clear, this is pressed into your brachial artery. Keep smiling, sweetheart.” you crooned sweetly and charmingly with a delightful smile on your face as you danced with him unaware that Nikolai was curiously looking at you who looked far too happy to be dancing with a pompous Duke who seemed like he was trying his best to smile. 

“Once you start to bleed, you will start to lose consciousness and then you will die soon unless someone comes to aid.” you said calmly and politely smiling widely at the Duke pressing the knife harder making him groan in absolute pain “Now given your recent magnificent behavior at this party... how likely do you think that anyone is going to rescue you?”

The Duke’s eyes bulged out of his head in shock as he looked at you with absolute pain and you felt pleasure at him suffering at your hands while you danced with him to the music. 

“To prevent this entirely blessed and wonderful incident from happening, I recommend you should keep your mouth shut about any distasteful rumors regarding King Nikolai Lantsov from now on and take back what you have said to your noble friends.” you said politely and sweetly but your eyes were steely and cool with the promise of danger if he did not agree with your demands “From now on, I’m keeping my eye on you and calling the shots. Don’t ever mock and threaten the King again. Got it?”

“Got it. Really got it.” groaned the Duke who was suffering true pain at your hands, regretting every word that he had uttered. 

“Good. Oh and one more thing. I suspect you want our King dethroned so I’ll be watching your every move. One wrong move, one wrong relationship and the King will be the least of your problems. Don’t smile at this because I am not joking. I have friends who will be glad to take out your eyeballs and hang you down a bridge subjecting you torture if you don’t do as I command.” you whispered softly but it was poison and danger, a promise of death if Duke Romanov didn’t comply as he realized you were serious and he grew frightened of you “If you want your reputation to be untarnished and live a long life, swear and pledge your loyalty only to King Nikolai Lantsov and agree to each and every one of his reforms and commands.”

“Do we have an agreement?” you queried with a kind and sweet smile that only an innocent angel would wear as you pressed the knife deeply into his torso. 

“Yeah! I promise on my mother’s grave!” exclaimed Duke Romanov who was now growing pale and starting to look slightly dizzy. 

“Wonderful. The deal is the deal. Oh, and I suggest you confess what you said to the King privately right now and apologize to him unless you are looking for a much painful punishment from me.” you replied with a gracious and angelic smile pressing the knife harder and deeper into the torso as the Duke moaned in suffering and agony. 

“Spectacular. Thanks for the dance, darling. We should do it again sometime.” you said charmingly with a laugh, your eyes glinting with dark and malicious intentions as you kissed the Duke’s cheek and took your knife away hiding it from sight letting the Duke breath as he wore a horrified and terrified expression at the thought of meeting you again.

You grinned as you sashayed away from the Duke who was gulping in air and you raised an eyebrow at him. He immediately almost ran toward Nikolai clutching his stomach as he said something to Nikolai who looked confused but granted him a private audience as they went to another room. You followed them discreetly and pressed your ear to the door as you listened to the Duke confessed what he had done and apologize profusely to Nikolai who responded with icy silence and then granted forgiveness in a cold charming manner that had a veiled threat in it as the two men started to talk politics and negotiations. You slipped away quietly back to the party with a satisfied and happy grin on your face because this party was not quite bad because it had been fun.

Kaz would have been proud of you. Your smile slightly faltered at the thought of him and your happiness seemed a bit dull. 

Before you could dwell on Kaz, you saw Nikolai striding toward the ballroom with a staggering Duke who looked terrified when you shot him a cold glare. Your eyes were on Nikolai, his golden hair like an angelic halo and his hazel eyes warm and bright like a fire, looking every inch of the King he was meant to be. You didn’t care whether he was a bastard. He cared about people and about his country. That was enough for you. 

You saw slight exhaustion creep into Nikolai’s eyes at seeing a gang of ladies approach him as he seemed to force a charming smile. You didn’t know what came over you but the next thing you knew, you had marched toward Nikolai and dragged him away from those vultures who wanted him all to themselves. 

Nikolai was completely surprised “What on -”

One of the ladies simpered in displeasure “Hey, we were just going to talk to -

“Your Highness, you have impeccable timing, I was just looking for you! We do not have time for flirtations, there’s an urgent situation requires your attention.” you exclaimed with a bright smile as you took his hand and dragged him through the ballroom “Follow my lead.”

Nikolai replied playfully with a bright grin “With pleasure. I love the view.”

You rolled your eyes at him not seeing Zoya and Genya throw each other gleeful looks while you took Nikolai out to the gardens and let go of his hand as he queried curiously “What is the urgent situation? Has your favorite plant died?”

You rolled your eyes at him amusing him “I thought you might need rescuing since you seemed to be tired from being charming.”

“You think I’m charming?”

“Really? That’s all you hear?”

Nikolai grinned widely as he stepped toward you with a sincere and teasing glint in his hazel eyes as he murmured “Just admit you wanted to be with me alone for tonight.”

You felt something erupt in your heart as your cheeks blossomed with warmth “You are the most - most ridiculous, proud, thick - headed prat I’ve ever met!”

“You’re not denying it.” replied Nikolai playfully enjoying riling you up because your fierce scowl and fiery spark in your eyes enchanted him. 

“Fine. I deny that I wanted to be alone with you.” you snapped in exasperation as you felt something bitter sting you as you averted your eyes away from Nikolai “Go, shoo! Go away and be with the beautiful princesses who would make perfect queen for Ravka!”

Nikolai smiled slightly as he realized that perhaps you were jealous but he thought it best not to bring it up as he replied gently “But they mean nothing to me because I have eyes only for the most divine goddess who is standing in front of me.”

You blushed as you felt Nikolai stare at you intensely with burning desire and reverence. Nikolai had been waiting for you to enter the party and when you had arrived, he was struck breathless and enchanted by you. You were always beautiful and lovely but tonight you were a magical goddess who had stepped out of his dreams who drove him crazy. Nikolai had wanted to go talk to you immediately and dance with you all night but the business of protecting Ravka and keeping its interests afloat came first as he made conversation with ambassadors, diplomats, noblemen and ladies charming them and ensuring their loyalty to Ravka. 

Nikolai could not stop staring at you all night because you had bewitched his heart as he stared at you smiling brightly dressed in an off the shoulder rosy pink floaty and soft ball gown with long sleeves embroidered with glittering magical and colorful flowers. Your hair was braided sweetly with lovely waves of it curling down your shoulder, pretty pink and white flowers and purple butterflies tucked into it. You were the most beautiful, divine, magical creature Nikolai’s eyes had ever seen and if he had to define beauty, it was the very sight of you that made his heart soar in joy and gladness. 

All Nikolai wanted to do was to dance with you but he was crowded with people who wanted to talk to him and he observed you had a long line of admirers who you refused sharply amusing Nikolai at the sight of brave officers and noblemen being turned down by you and the rumors of you being a conceited little madam. He knew you weren’t conceited, you were just waiting for the right partner. 

And Duke Romanov... that had been bizarre. At first he had been completely jealous that you had made the first move and asked Duke Romanov of all people to dance with you but as the dance progressed, he noticed the odd relationship between the both of you. Later, after the dance, the Duke had been gasping for breath as he nursed slight wound on his torso that Nikolai pretended to ignore as he apologized to Nikolai and swore his loyalty to him.

Nikolai suspected that you had something to do with the sudden change of heart Duke Romanov had. 

“I had a strange conversation with the Duke Romanov.” began Nikolai nonchalantly and casually as he looked at you and observed a slight amused flicker in your eyes but you kept a deadpanned expression excellently. 

“Oh?”

“He apologized for disagreeing with all my reforms and believed that I was the King Ravka needed and deserved. So many flattering and kind things said and I wonder what made him change his heart about me.” said Nikolai casually as he kept a watchful eye on you seeing your lips slightly twitch but you wore a casual and deadpanned expression as if you had never heard of the Duke Romanov before. 

“Ah, well. Maybe the Duke had a change of heart.” you said cheerfully with a careless grin surprising Nikolai at how well you were hiding it. 

“It’s the strangest thing that a Duke who has disliked me for a long time suddenly had a change of heart after the dance with you.” stated Nikolai calmly determined to coax the truth out of you. “I could have sworn he was holding his stomach with great pain.”

You paused for a moment and then looked at Nikolai innocently “Perhaps he had a stomach ache? Maybe he had too many lemon pies? Eating too many lemon pies always give me a stomach ache -”

“So you didn’t threaten him?” retorted Nikolai exasperated and amused by your lively chatter. 

“How dare you accuse a lady of such scandalous acts, Your Majesty! You are disgrace!” you exclaimed dramatically as you placed your hand on your chest and fanned yourself with another hand pretending to almost faint making Nikolai laugh in amusement. “I am just an innocent lady who does not even know the dark ways of the world.”

“I’d be tempted to believe you if you weren’t part of the most feared gang in Ketterdam... the Crows.” retorted Nikolai with an easygoing grin as his eyes twinkled in joy. 

You decided to drop the act and put your hands up in surrender as you drawled carelessly turning from damsel to a survivor “Fine. I may have danced with him and... offered him a deal that was too good to resist.”

Nikolai raised his eyebrows at you and you rolled your eyes “The deal was he gets to shut his mouth about you and I get to keep my knife away from his major arteries.”

Nikolai’s jaw dropped in shock at the thought of you actually threatening Duke Romanov for protecting Nikolai as his eyes widened in amazement “Why did you do that?”

“I was bored at this party and I wanted to have some fun.” you replied carelessly and nonchalantly as you looked away from Nikolai who felt disappointed and hurt as he looked away from you because how could he ever think he could be special to you?

“And because... because you’re my friend and I don’t want to see you hurt.” you whispered softly and gently with a kind and shy look in your eyes after a long moment of silence as you gazed at him earnestly, a warm protective feeling blooming in your heart.

Nikolai’s eyes widened in wonder and surprise because he was shocked that you cared so much him to do such a dangerous and chivalrous deed to protect his honor and reputation as he suddenly felt breathless and warmth spread across his cheeks as he replied after a long moment “I... you... thank you. You don’t know how much this means to me but...”

Nikolai was speechless trying to find the right words to articulate how he truly felt about you in that moment but words failed him as you smiled softly at him “I know you don’t have to answer to me... but is it true?”

Nikolai halted, his breath hitching because he had thought you heard the rumors surrounding him and believed them. He had not expected you to gently ask about him greatest shame that he hid, waiting for him to tell you the truth from his own lips instead of believing the liars and clowns making noise. 

It was hard to confide this vulnerable insecurity that had defined so much of himself in his life to you who he adored and worshiped. Because you were so wonderful and kind and deserved someone so much better than a bastard who hid his truth and worked so hard to be loved by wearing different masks. 

And yet, as he stood feeling your calming and gentle presence in this moonlit garden, he felt exposed and vulnerable, shy and terrified to let his guard down to the one person who might understand him. 

But the world has lied to you enough... you deserved the truth. 

“Yes. It’s the truth.” the words slipped softly, in a semblance of a whisper as he looked away from you feeling shame and insecurities as he heard Vasily laughing, Nikolai Nothing. “Born a bastard by a Fjerdan sailor and a Ravkan queen who was neglected by her husband in wedlock. It’s who I am, Y/N.”

His voice cracked, broken and hurt seeping through it as he felt the words he left unspoken vibrate in the air “It’s who I have always been no matter how good of a show I put up.”

“Now you know that I am not who I am... you are free to decide what you should do.” said Nikolai quietly, his voice solemn but a hint of pain and hurt seeped through it as he squared his shoulders just like a soldier bravely would before stepping into a battle of bullets. 

The silence seemed to stretch for a long moment and Nikolai realized that you must have left him. Of course, that was the wisest course of action. Nikolai felt his heart sink into a deep, cold, dark pool of self - loathing and heartbreak as he realized you hated and were disgusted by who he was. Who could blame you? Who would want an unlovable bastard, a nothing who pretended to be somebody to befriend and love?

But he was surprised when your arms wrapped around his waist hugging him tightly as you stood on your tiptoes behind him, your chin resting on his shoulders as he felt the curve of your lips tug into a small smile, your voice full of warmth, gentleness and reassurance “Don’t be silly, Nikolai. I’m not going anywhere.”

Nikolai felt time stop as he realized you were still here, still with him and had chosen the real and true him as a lump of emotion swelled in his throat as you said lightly “I happen to like you very much just the way you are, you ridiculous boy.”

Nikolai smiled involuntarily as he felt warm and loved without any strings attached as he closed his eyes and placed his hands on top of your hands that were wrapped around his waist, pulling him into a tight hug as he felt happiness erupt in his stomach “Y/N... you know this means, I’m not nobility. Not really.”

Nikolai knew he had to face you as he turned around to look at you. You were stunning, kindness and thoughtfulness etched on your face as you stared at him softly with an open heart. He couldn’t understand why you had not left him here all alone. Nikolai didn’t understand why you had seen the real him and still stayed with him, embracing him warmly with a light hearted and reassuring words that made him feel that nothing was going to change how you felt about him no matter his insecurities and truths that were revealed. 

People always left. Why weren’t you leaving?

“Nobility is not defined by our family lines. It’s defined by our actions and how we honor others.” you said drawing yourself up straight in a poised and dignified manner as you looked at Nikolai in gentle reassurance and quiet understanding and your lips quirked into a smile “You are silly and ridiculous... but out of every aristocrat and royalty and nobility I have seen... you have proved to me that you are the true definition of nobility because you earned the title, the throne and crown by your actions and caring for people... not by a royal title you took for granted.”

Nikolai’s eyes widened in surprise as he stared at you in wonder and amazement, his heart thudding loudly as he realized that you didn’t care about his birth status quo and you believed that he was worthy of being called noble as his eyes filled with gratitude “Coming from you, that is high praise.”

You smiled softly at Nikolai as your eyes twinkled in kindness as you replied sincerely and earnestly as you took a deep breath “You are ridiculous, condescending, absolutely annoying, insufferable and -”

Nikolai raised his eyebrows “Excuse me, I thought we were having a moment?”

“All I know is for your many faults, you are honest, courageous, strong, true and kind - hearted and you are on your way to becoming the greatest king Ravka has ever known.” you stated quietly with a solemn and contemplative expression with belief glimmering in your eyes that surprised Nikolai who was stunned and speechless “I don’t care whether you are a bastard or a noble. It doesn’t matter who we are born as. What matters is who we decide to be. And you have chosen to be a king who wants to make Ravka a safer and better country.”

Nikolai who felt the air knocked out of his lungs at the sincerity and belief in your eyes felt speechless until he managed to retort “I didn’t know you believed in me so much.”

“Trust me, I can hardly believe it myself.” you replied with a good natured grin, your eyes twinkling in amusement and honesty.

Nikolai let out a huff of laughter as he felt your hand brush against his gently and he felt electrified and excited, the butterflies coming alive. He wanted to take your hand in his but he felt terrified. 

He had never felt this way with anyone. Why on earth was he nervous to take your hand?

Saints, was he sweating? 

“Get it together, Lantsov,” he commanded himself sternly “You’ve faced Fjerdan bullets and pirates and death and the Darkling. This is nothing compared to that.”

You looked over at him with those pretty eyes and he instantly knew that everything he had faced was nothing compared to you. 

“I suppose it’s hard to believe that there are people who believe and accept me for who I am. I’ve grown up with servants whispering rumors in front of me about my birth... my father who never cared about me because he knew who I was and my brother who taunted and laughed at me because I was not his blood.” said Nikolai taking in a deep breath, trying to articulate everything he felt as he found himself confiding his deepest secret in you easily, suddenly finding that it was easier for him to breathe “ I never belonged anywhere. Maybe that’s why I ran away and became Sturmhound, the dashing privateer. I wanted to find somewhere I belonged.”

Your expression was one of pure curiosity “Had any luck?”

“I’m not sure yet.” replied Nikolai quietly and softly as he stared at you hopefully, his eyes filled with adoration and aching longing for you and you felt yourself blushing as you realized what he meant. Nikolai smiled slightly as he sighed “All I know is... court is not where I belong. They all smile and pretend to love me but they all know the truth and gossip about it. It... I pretend it doesn’t hurt but it aches sometimes and that’s why I do everything to make up for it.”

There was a long moment of silence and Nikolai felt as if he was the drowning man who had suddenly been pulled to shore by you. He had confided his status in Alina who had comforted him with sweet words. But he saw you furrowing your eyebrows thoughtfully with a small smile you wore when you thought of something deep and smart. 

“You’re spending your entire life trying to make people happy. It’s good to care about others but not at the expense of yourself. Don’t try to make up for it or apologize for who you are to those who gossip about you. Be a king... be a leader and tell everyone what you need them to do. Show them who you are... the bastard who earned the right to become the King of Ravka.” you said passionately and truthfully to Nikolai who was taken aback your sharp wit and wise insight that was not comforting but truthful and inspiring to him.

“You know... there are times, when you display a sort of... I don’t know what to call it.” said Nikolai with a strange and thoughtful expression and then looked at you with a small soft smile “But it is... I’d say you display a strange sense of wisdom laced with sharp truth.”

You blushed as you looked away feeling admired and good enough as you smiled shaking your head and he looked at you with a bright twinkle in his eyes, his spirit renewed “I suppose then... being a bastard isn’t that bad because it has earned a point in my favor from you.”

You laughed as you looked at him and breathed with a shy and sincere smile “By the way, I like you when you’re like this. When you are just being yourself without reservation, without trying to please anyone.”

Nikolai felt warmth and happiness burst in his heart as he blushed “It’s too easy to be myself when I’m with you.”

You blushed as you looked at him admiringly and affectionately, full of amazement and protectiveness for the boy who had grown up with demons in his head and yet chosen to be kind and courageous. You felt terrible and admired Nikolai for growing up in a palace where he felt he did not belong, struggled to define himself outside the rumors and earn the love of his family and people when it should have been given unconditionally to him. 

You thought of a lonely boy who craved for acceptance and love, running away to fight in the front lines facing danger and death and becoming a privateer to find a semblance of a family could have at some point decided life was cruel and become a monster who was filled with bitterness and anger. And yet, Nikolai had faced the world with a bright smile and maintained a kind heart and a courageous soul to fight for the good of the world. 

You thought of Kaz who was completely different to Nikolai, Kaz who was full of vengeance and cruelty but his heart was still in the right place to people he cared about. You wondered whether Kaz could have chosen to be kind or whether he chose to become the Bastard of the Barrel to survive in this world and define himself by vengeance. But it was useless to ponder on such questions. It was what Kaz had needed to do to survive in the Barrel, right? If he hadn’t become the biggest and baddest of them all, he would have surely died. 

But yet looking at Nikolai, flickers of doubt started to tug at you. Could someone be full of hurt and pain and fight their way to the top while maintaining a semblance of kindness? What if Kaz had chosen to be a little kinder and softer, would he have loved you? 

There you were thinking of the Bastard of the Barrel again. 

And why on earth were you thinking of Nikolai again?

Your hand had unconsciously flown to your necklace as you were thinking of Kaz when Nikolai inquired curiously interrupting your thoughts “What’s that?”

You realized you were stroking the ring Kaz had given you and blushed a beetroot red in embarrassment as you stuttered “It’s - it’s - um - it’s my engagement ring. Saints! I mean - uh fake engagement ring Kaz gave me when he pretended to be my husband.”

“I see.” said Nikolai quietly feeling his heart break at the mention of you still wearing something Kaz Brekker had given you. It felt as if Kaz Brekker found a way to remind Nikolai that you were not Nikolai’s but Kaz Brekker’s girl. “May I see it?”

You nodded after a flicker of hesitation as you let Nikolai step closer toward you, his fingers lightly brushing against the skin of your neck electrifying you as he grasped the ring gently and examined it curiously and after a moment replied sassily “It’s nice. Not the ring I would have chosen for you. May I ask as to why you are still wearing it?”

“It’s difficult to explain.” you said biting your lip with a troubled look in your eyes as you looked into Nikolai’s quiet and gentle eyes that waited patiently for you. “The truth is... I don’t really know why I’m still wearing this ring after everything.”

“I know it’s over with Kaz Brekker and I know he will never love me. I know it was a fake engagement that I was stupid to believe was real. But for some reason... I keep holding onto this ring he gave me because... it’s special to me.” you said softly and thoughtfully as you thought of Kaz whose lips pulled into an unnoticeable soft smile when he looked at you and whose eyes glinted in amusement and affection whenever you made a joke. 

You looked at the silhouette of the crow as you traced the R engraved on the ring, blinking back tears with a heavy heart “It’s like - like I’m not ready yet. I’m not ready... I’m scared to take it off because I don’t know what will happen to me if I do. Because deep down, I know if I take if off, it will mean that I’m saying goodbye to everything I shared with Kaz Brekker. It’ll mean that all the memories, the good and bad times, everything we shared was all wrong and fake.”

“I’m just trying to hold onto the memories... I’m trying to hold onto him for as long as possible with the desperate hope that he see me one day.” you whispered, smiling amidst the pain and hurt you had tried to drink away tonight but resurfaced when you thought of Kaz. 

You took a deep breath as you stayed silent with Nikolai who looked at you feeling pain and hurt strike his heart at how much you loved Kaz and wondered whether there was a chance you could ever love him back as he said after a long moment “Y/N... I know you love Kaz Brekker and that bastard is incredibly lucky to be loved by you... but Y/N, are you really going to wait your whole life in tears and pain for him to see him while he ruins every moment of your life that you could be living the way you want to? Y/N, you’re trying everything to prove to him that you love him but he has only made you end in tears and heartbreak.”

 It was the truth you didn’t want to hear as you glared at him but he remained unaffected and steady, offering you the truth instead of sweet lies. 

“You are an amazing person. You care about his feelings more than yours. But you’re not holding onto him... you’re holding onto the pain because that’s all you have left. You deserve to let go and think about what you want and put yourself first. You deserve to be free and happy.” said Nikolai earnestly and honestly as he looked at you sincerely as your gaze softened with sadness and surprise because you had not thought of it “I hope one day... you’ll find yourself brave enough to let him go instead of clinging to a bastard who treats you poorly and breaks your heart. I hope one day... you’ll let yourself breathe and live for yourself.”

You were speechless as you realized Nikolai had spoken the truth that reached into the depths of your saddened soul that suddenly felt quietly inspired and Nikolai smiled gently “Until that day... I’ll be standing by you every step of the way.”

You were speechless as you stared at him in wonder and quiet surprise because it felt so strange to have a person care for you so deeply that he would tell you the real truth in a way that inspired, motivated, understood and comforted you. You didn’t know if you could ever let go of Kaz Brekker, let go of this overwhelming heartbreak and sadness you felt and wondered whether there would ever be a day where it would happen. 

“You’re right. But it feels impossible. Because he still has a hold on me. He always will.” you said weakly, your voice wavering in exhaustion and pain as you looked at Nikolai whose face was etched with concern. “He is more than the boy who broke my heart. He is the boy who saved me. And I know there is something in him worth saving too.”

“At the expense of your own happiness and good health?” queried Nikolai softly and gently, his heart clenching in hurt for you. “Saving him while you drown in despair and pain?”

You froze feeling angry and hurt, stung by Nikolai’s words because he had always been kind to you. You liked Nikolai because he was always full of kindness, comfort and goodness. He was never harsh and unkind. Now Nikolai was spitting the cruel truth to your face unflinchingly, remaining unaffected and steady as he took a dig at your deepest pain.

It felt as if he was patronizing you, believing that you would always be the girl who would drown in despair and hurt out of your love for Kaz Brekker. It felt like he was almost laughing at your deep love for Kaz Brekker and thought of you as a foolish, silly girl for clinging onto Kaz and not letting go. It was as if he thought he would be the one to save you from the grave you had dug for yourself while hiding his amusement at how deep you had fallen into your grave. 

It felt hurtful. It felt patronizing. It felt condescending. 

Most of all you just felt angry that it was Nikolai who was trying to help you when it should be Kaz Brekker who should be there for you. You wanted to yell in pain because there was so much pain searing in your heart. You wanted to kick and stab someone in your anger. You wanted to lash out at Kaz Brekker for making you this girl who was on your knees, weak with love for him. But Kaz Brekker wasn’t here and you lashed out at the only person who was here for you. 

“Don’t you speak to me again, you condescending, patronizing prat! You know what, I shouldn’t have told you anything thinking you’d understand!” you snapped angrily burning with rage that you wanted to unleash on Kaz Brekker but you shoved Nikolai instead hiding the tears in your eyes “Don’t - don’t ever come near me again!”

You blinked back the harsh tears that threatened to fall down your cheeks as you ran away wanting to be alone. You didn’t even know where you were going as you ran through the graveled paths, deeper and deeper into the gardens, feeling humiliated and heartbroken. You cursed the Bastard of the Barrel who had broken your heart and kept on hurting you over and over again. 

You breathed in the beauty of the night frozen in time right where it was left but before you could take a better look, oncoming footsteps drew your attention immediately. The air grew cold with fear and anticipation as you stiffened preparing yourself. The footsteps came closer to you but you were ready to take down the intruder who threatened your peace and probably life as you turned around and landed a punch on the intruder who groaned in pain, kicking him in the crotch as he doubled down in pain and wasted no time as you efficiently got him in a headlock, one of the knives you had drawn from under your dress glinting in the moonlight as you pressed it lightly on his throat. 

“Don’t beg for mercy. I have none.” you whispered dangerously and quietly “Who are you and who sent you?”

“It’s Nikolai Lantsov, the King of your heart! Saints, you are so murderous... do it more.” whispered Nikolai huskily with a flirty smirk under your grip as he breathed, his heart beating rapidly. 

You couldn’t believe your ears as you realized the mop of blonde hair and the smooth and flirty voice belonged to no one except Nikolai “WHAT? WHY ARE YOU HERE?”

“I came here to see if you were okay but obviously that’s not important anymore.” groaned Nikolai under your grip because you still had not released him out of shock as he let out a gladdened and lovestruck sigh “Could you choke me tighter? I’m loving where I’m right now.”

You released him blushing at the sexual innuendos he was implying as you glared at him fiercely while he brushed his coat regally as he coughed, slightly red in the face and you snapped at him in exasperation “OI! I told you to stay away from me!”

Nikolai looked quite calm for a man who had just been punched, kicked and nearly strangled to death as he replied rubbing his reddened cheek and nose with a cheeky smile “I didn’t listen.”

You raised your eyebrows at him knowingly in exasperation “You do that quite a lot.”

“That’s why you like me.” retorted Nikolai with a cheeky and bright grin, his hazel eyes twinkling in knowing and amusement. 

“Who says I like you?” you retorted in annoyance and irritation but for some unfathomable reason, warmth flared on your cheeks as your stomach flipped. 

Nikolai only responded with a wink and a good humored grin that made you feel shy and conscious of yourself as you looked away from him. You were still angry but not at him. You had been irrational and cruel to the very person who was trying to help you because you had been too busy drowning in the depressing thoughts of Kaz Brekker, the boy who broke your heart. 

“I’m sorry.” you blurted out quickly because guilt nagged at your mind and heart at lashing out at Nikolai who had looked hurt at your words. “I’m so sorry. You weren’t patronizing or condescending, you were trying to help and - and I was angry at Kaz but I took it out on you. I don’t expect you to forgive me but I want you to know that I’m so sorry.”

Nikolai wore an inscrutable expression that scared you because you didn’t know what he was thinking. Nikolai stepped toward you and looked deeply into your eyes. In a moment, his expression softened into one of forgiveness and gentleness as he smiled softly and kindly as he caressed your cheek tenderly “You are always forgiven, beloved. I’m only glad that you felt safe enough to take it out on me.”

“I don’t deserve a friend like you.” you said, your voice cracking in heavy emotion of disbelief and shock as tears sprung into your eyes at feeling the depth of how much Nikolai cared for you, a person who didn’t deserve it. 

“Y/N, I’m terribly sorry but I am exactly who you deserve.” replied Nikolai with a bright and tender smile understanding that you had acted out of grief and not out of malice

He wiped away your tears and pulled you in for a warm hug as he wished that you would see that what you deserved was standing right in front of you, holding you in his arms and after a long moment he said softly “I want to understand you. Why were you so angry when I suggested you should let go of Kaz Brekker?”

“Because - because for all his faults, Kaz Brekker is the reason who I am today. Kaz was the first person who believed I wasn’t weak. Kaz showed me that I’m a dangerous and powerful girl, a force to be reckoned with!” you exclaimed passionately as you looked at Nikolai, your heart beating with pain and reminiscence of Kaz teaching you how to survive in the Barrel and advising you when you fell down, believing in you when you were frustrated with yourself and looking at you with that rare approving and happy gleam in his eyes when you performed extraordinarily well. 

Your voice cracked as you felt broken and wrong “Without him... who am I? I don’t know who I am without him. I’ll be nobody if he didn’t see me.”

Nikolai was shocked because that was not what he expected out of you but as he looked at you, his heart pounded in pain and understanding for you as he said after a moment “When I became the King of Ravka, I believed I didn’t deserve my throne. Not truly. Because it wasn’t me who had extinguished the Fold and brought peace at last. It was the Sun Summoner, Sankta Alina who everyone believed in me that achieved the goal. I thought I was nothing without her. I wouldn’t have made it that far without her.”

“That’s not true.” you said immediately because you knew it was wrong immediately “You are a great King. I’ve seen how you are as King. You care so much about people that you bled for them in the battlefield, you smile and give them hope for a better future and you’ll do anything to hold everything together to stop your kingdom falling apart. The people might have had faith in Alina but you’re the one who rallied them all together and gave them hope for a better future, a better Ravka with a King who would not repeat the failures of the past.”

Nikolai felt moved as his heart swelled with gratitude and surprise at being seen by you and felt a lump of emotion swell in his throat as he replied after a moment “Well, you seem to be full of compliments for me today.”

“I don’t give compliments. I tell the truth.” you said with a scowl making Nikolai chuckle and you punched him in the arm playfully “Stop, you’re going to be so insufferable now!”

“Well according to you, I’m already insufferable and I’m never going to stop being insufferable with you!” exclaimed Nikolai with a teasing grin as he hugged you with a heart full warmth and happiness as you squealed at the sudden hug but welcomed it with a laugh. 

You both laughed together and as the laughter subsided, Nikolai looked at you seriously “You think of me so highly, with so much of faith. You believe that I was equally important as Alina. Why don’t you believe the same about yourself? Why don’t you believe that despite Kaz Brekker, you have always been a strong girl who had a fire within you and kind heart? A girl who would find a way out of the darkness into the light?”

“I - I -” you stuttered in shock and disbelief as you racked your brains trying to find the answer but you were lost for words as you stared at Nikolai who was gazing at you in utmost faith and complete belief. 

“The answer to your dilemma is the same as mine.” stated Nikolai gently and firmly after a few moments as he caressed your cheek gently and softly, his fingers tingling feeling sparks of joy at the contact “You are who you are in spite of Kaz Brekker. Kaz Brekker may have shown you what you can do but everything you did, all the challenges you faced, all the times you won and became stronger after each battle.... all those achievements are yours and yours only. You never needed Kaz Brekker to become great. It was him that needed you.”

You were speechless as your heart pounded loudly and your thoughts raced frantically as you tried to remember. You tried to remember who you were in Ketterdam before Kaz Brekker had entered your life. It was murky and the memories began to resurface in wisps but you remembered being untethered and free, unemployed by the Bastard of Barrel. You remembered you were a girl who had a deceivingly calm composure, a charming smile and an instinct to observe sharply and react at the right time.

"I remember." you murmured softly as you remembered how you would blend into the crowd and be a ghost, a different version you needed to be to deceive others in order for you to gain information and help people and the sharp perceptiveness and curiosity you possessed with the spirit of wanting to make a difference.

You remembered how you helped people with your skills, finding out where there missing children were, who their spouse was sleeping with, helping children in abused homes flee to a safe place, investigating deaths and disappearances as you found yourself tugging on threads of cruelty and corruption in the city, finding proof on people who were wrongfully convicted to be set free. You had done some good, reunited friends and family, saved lives and made people smile again as they owed you debts of gratitude before Kaz Brekker came to your life.

You weren't powerful but you were dangerous and strong in your own right.

Had you really forgotten that?

"I had forgotten who I was before him. Now I remember... little bits and pieces of it." you murmured in wonder and reminiscence as you looked at Nikolai feeling incredibly shocked and taken aback that he had helped you find a part of you that you had almost lost.

Nikolai smiled as he realized that you were slowly beginning to find yourself "It would be an honour to know who you were before Kaz Brekker...but you're not obliged to tell me."

"Perhaps one day... I'll tell you when I remember everything." you murmured softly, your eyes quietly and gratefully promising him.

“I shall count days until then.” said Nikolai earnestly with a lovely smile that made your heart skip a beat as you suddenly realized how utterly and completely beautiful he was. “That’s the beautiful thing about letting go... you get to create your new beginning and find a new dream.”

“A new dream...” you murmured, the very sensation of it feeling strange to you as you thought of the novel idea of letting go of Kaz and leaving Ketterdam to find something different and new, a dream of your own that you didn’t yet know. “That’s sounds lovely. What’s yours?”

“What?” queried Nikolai in alarm and surprise because he had been too busy staring at you lovestruck and lost in dreams of holding your hand in his and dancing with you. 

“Your new dream. You told me once that you dream of a Ravka that will never fail its people. But you must have your own dream... a new dream?” you inquired curiously as you looked at Nikolai wanting to know everything about him because this boy who shouldered the burden of a nation with a heavy golden crown smiling brightly but had such vulnerability and kindness to him that you had not seen him display in public fascinated you.

You saw him smile hesitant and reluctant to reply as you nudged him “Come on! I can see you have your dreams. I won’t laugh, I promise.”

“I dream of you...” thought Nikolai longingly his lips tugging into a smile of affection and adoration as he gazed at you. But his heart beat rapidly, and he felt too scared to confess the overwhelming enormity of his affection for you because he could lose you forever. 

And yet he wanted more than anything for you to know his dream that he hid from the rest of the world.

“I have a dream... an unfulfilled and new dream that I persist on dreaming it even thought it seems like it can never come true. I dream of a happy home, with laughter of children who are loved more than they know, friends who will always be there and... a  wonderful wife with whom I am deeply in love with and share a blessed, happy and blissful relationship that will always stand through adversity” said Nikolai slowly and softly as he gazed at you, his hazel eyes burning with meaningful longing and aching hope that frightened and excited you as you inhaled a sharp breath “I dream about holding her hand and growing old together, dancing in the rain and spending our lifetime together full of adventures and love unburdened by meaningless things.”

You suddenly felt an aching in your heart as you felt the warmth and beauty of the vision that Nikolai had painted and you felt a sharp jab of pain that you didn’t understand at the thought of Nikolai living this beautiful dream with another girl as you replied softly and sincerely “That’s beautiful. I hope your dream does come true, Nikolai. I really hope you find someone that you will live your dream together.”

“I have found her. But I’m waiting for her to see me.” said Nikolai quietly and sincerely after a moment as he gazed at you intensely with worship and affection and your cheeks flooded into a warm red as you realized what he might be implying and you simply didn’t know how to feel about that “She’s smart, a fighter, loyal, and has this heart full of kindness and love. And she’s so enchanting. I feel like since she came to life, I have begun to hope and dream more than I ever did."

"But you know, she's rather rude, punches me in the nose, nearly stopped me from producing an heir and gets mad at me when I try to show her how I feel and completely in love with this guy who doesn't understand how awesome she is." said Nikolai honestly and sincerely, his heart pounding as he took a risk with his feelings and glanced at you who had frozen and yet was smiling in amusement, your eyes glinting in pain and worry "I wish she could just see me."

You were silent as the loudness of your heart mingled with the aftermath of his veiled confession hit you hard like a ton of bricks. You liked Nikolai. You really, really liked him. For all his flaws, he had become your rock and your safe place without you even realizing it from the moment you had met him. Nikolai was a good man and a friend who you cared for so much but you couldn't and didn't feel this way for him. You could never love Nikolai Lantsov the way he wanted you to love him.

But hopefully, he wasn’t talking about you. He was Nikolai Lantsov, the King of Ravka! He met many people on a daily basis! You weren’t special to him! 

Yes, that could be it. It wasn’t you he was talking about. It was another girl whose name you didn’t want to know and face you never wanted to see. 

“Well... she sounds completely awful. There’s a chance she’s going to break your heart and make you cry. You shouldn’t have hope. It’s dangerous and clouds your judgement.” you said sternly and quietly as you felt your own experience and memories surface “If she doesn’t see you, you should move on and find someone better. Don’t wait around for someone who won’t see you.”

“Maybe hope is dangerous and foolish. But whenever I’m with her, I know I’ll wait an entire lifetime for her to see me.” replied Nikolai softly with a gentle and yearning smile that made you feel hot and you tried to push away the thoughts that perhaps he was talking about you “She’s worth the wait.”

“Oh my Saints! You are absolutely lovestruck idiot! What if - she breaks your heart and falls in love with someone else? What if she doesn’t love you back and goes on with her life?” you exclaimed as you slapped Nikolai in his chest as you were exasperated and annoyed at him for liking this hypothetical princess so much to the point of giving up everything “Mark my words, I speak out of experience... you are setting up yourself for heartbreak with this princess of yours.”

“Consider your words marked, Oh Wise One. I love her so much that a part of me doesn’t care if she loves me back. Her happiness is way worth more than making her mine.” said Nikolai as he gazed at you lovingly tucking a strand of your hair behind your ears “All those princesses chasing me doesn’t mean a thing because there’s only her.”

“You really love her, don’t you?” you asked feeling self - conscious, praying to all the Saints that the girl wasn’t you.

Nikolai’s smile of longing, affection and sadness was enough to answer your question as you smiled quietly, feeling a slight stab of pain at the fact that it wasn’t you despite the gladness “Well... I just think this girl needs some time to see what’s really in front of her.”

Nikolai’s heart fluttered with dangerous hope as he saw you gazing at him sweetly and gently with an aching sad yet quiet longing and understanding as he felt breathless but you grinned up at him with a new idea in your mind.

“Oh!” you exclaimed in wonder and childlike awe making startling Nikolai who jumped back at your energy “Oh, I know! You’re Sturmhound, the pirate, right? Tell me everything!  I’m dying to know all about it! Is it really true you have a flying ship?”

“Darling, I’m a privateer. That is an important distinction.” said Nikolai grinning at your enthusiasm as he regaled you “No, it’s not true about me having a flying ship.”

You looked so disappointed Nikolai wished he hadn’t said that as he corrected you with a proud smile “I have a fleet of flying ships.”

“Saints! Why did you become a privateer? Other than running away to find where you belong?” you questioned eagerly and curiously, hungry to know about his life as a privateer. 

“Well, a prince is a songbird in a golden cage. A privateer has freedom to decide his own fate and find where he belongs. I loved my life at sea that gave me freedom but I always planned to come back to Ravka.” stated Nikolai with a sincere and quiet smile. 

“Tell me about your adventures! What was your favorite one? I’m dying to know all about it! Have you really traveled all over the world? Is it really true that you deceived the Darkling and hunted the Sea Whip?” you questioned, your eyes bright with curiosity and wonder as you looked at Nikolai with enthusiasm.

Nikolai was one to boast of his adventures and yet he was uncertain as to where to begin with you but the questions you fired at him eased him into a direction of describing his adventures on sea where he sailed with his crew, fought pirates, explored different lands, got into trouble and had extraordinary adventures. You had different questions bubbling with eager curiosity that Nikolai was only too happy to answer as he felt content speaking about his time as Sturmhound that he cherished. In return, Nikolai was full of questions about your life and role in Ketterdam with the Crows and you provided colorful and vivid descriptions of stories of dark danger, near death experiences and amazing adventures and heists that you enjoyed being part of greatly with your friends who you loved. Both of you talked endlessly and comfortably with each other about your lives, full of curiosity and respect for each other, eager to learn from and understand each other. 

You both had lost track of time as you talked and laughed with each other as you nudged him “I’ve always wanted to be a pirate. I’ve always thought being a pirate would be so fun! Not just a pirate but a captain of the most feared pirate ship! But it’s a silly dream.”

“As a privateer, I am deeply offended at your remark, my lady.” replied Nikolai pretending to be offended as he grinned easily “Why is it a silly dream?”

“Well, I’m not a pirate. I don’t know how to sail. I don’t have a ship. Pirates are not taken kindly by pompous privateers.” you retorted with a teasing grin as your eyes twinkled with good humor making Nikolai laugh in amusement “And I can’t leave Ketterdam.”

Nikolai knew that she truly meant that she couldn’t leave Kaz Brekker and looked at her with a smooth and sincere smile “I’ll teach you how to sail one day. We’ll go out on the ocean and have our great adventure. And one day, I have a feeling you’ll become an infamous pirate who everyone knows of. And don’t worry love, I hope you become a pirate because when you conquer the seas and try to attack me... I’ll be on my knees begging for you.”

You blushed bright red at what Nikolai implied as you found no proper sentence in your brain that had stopped functioning as you finally snapped to a grinning devilish Nikolai “Do you - stop doing that!”

“What? I like it when you blush.” replied Nikolai wearing an innocent expression but his eyes were twinkling with a devilish gleam. “You would look so amazing in a pirate’s outfit...”

You snorted in amusement as you shook your head at Nikolai “You have a set of strange kinks rooted in deep seated desires, don’t you?”

Nikolai’s eyes glimmered in amusement “I am more than happy to demonstrate my list of kinks to you.”

“No, thank you, please torture someone else.” you replied coolly as you shuddered while Nikolai threw his head back in laughter. 

“Well, I could do that but it’s so fun to torture you.” replied Nikolai playfully as he blushed when you brushed against him, his skin setting on fire with desire and longing. 

“Bold last words for a man who is about to lose his spleen.” you replied darkly as you glared at a laughing Nikolai trying your best to scowl but you found your lips twitching into a small smile. 

Nikolai shot a challenging look to you “You don’t even know where my spleen is.”

“Don’t test me, prat. You’re tempting me to prove you wrong.” you said with a wicked grin as you stepped toward him with glimmers of danger sparkling in your eyes.

Nikolai stepped back as he placed his hands in surrender and fell to his knees “Oh Captain Y/L/N, please spare my spleen and my life! In exchange, I’ll give my heart to you!”

“You are absolutely ridiculous!” you exclaimed trying to hide your blushing face as you tossed your hair and started to walk away. “Absolutely mental!”

“You always walk away when we have an emotional moment, darling!” exclaimed Nikolai loudly and dramatically while you controlled your amused and delighted laughter as he ran toward you trying to catch up with you. 

You shoved him lightly and playfully as you shook your head at him fondly as he said after a moment of silence “Do you think that’s your new dream? Being a pirate?”

“Maybe. I don’t know.” you said softly as you were lost in thought “All I know is being a spy. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

“Good spies don’t let anyone they are spies.” said Nikolai cleverly as he looked at you. 

You winked at him “The greatest one don’t need to hide themselves. It’s up to you to play the game with us.”

“You can never trust a spy. And a spy can never trust anyone. It must be a lonely existence to be detached from the rest of the world.” said Nikolai honestly and smartly as he looked at your serious and solemn expression. 

“No. That’s where everyone gets it wrong.” you said with a clever smirk as you looked at Nikolai who raised his eyebrows in curiosity “The best spies have a trick... a trick that always helps them win in the end.”

“What is it?”

“Now if I told you, I wouldn’t be much of a spy, would I?”

The trick was to figure out who could be trusted in this world. Trust is a double edged sword. It could be used to your advantage when needed. You had learned that it is a lonely existence to live without trusting anyone because to live without trusting anyone meant to live without people who would back you up when you were in trouble. That’s what most people got wrong. They believed trusting no one protected them. Knowing who to trust and when to use that trust to your advantage, that’s what truly protected and empowered you. 

“Can I trust you?” queried Nikolai curiously with a twinkle in his hazel eyes. 

“If you like.” you answered vaguely with a playful smile as you looked over at him with an amused twinkle in your eyes. 

Nikolai knew about you through what Nina had told him and he wanted to know more about you “Nina says you’re one of the best spies she’s ever known. Why do you like being a spy?” 

“Well, you can always pull the grandest con, and perform dazzling magic tricks to steal what’s most precious to people... their secrets while flirting with life and death and being absolutely forgettable to the people who have the memory span of goldfish.” you said airily and calmly with a clever and witty smirk that amazed and enchanted Nikolai who could see your charm, beauty and cleverness played a part in making you a spy who could get away with anything. 

“Is this a con?” asked Nikolai feeling slightly insecure because he believed that you wouldn’t lie to him but your nature as a spy and his position as a king put them both in an awkward position. 

To his surprise, you weren’t mad and offended but grinned “Finally, you’re thinking like a real king would. You tell me... do I seem like someone who would trick you?”

“You seem like someone who enjoys tricking anyone as long as you are in charge of your own fate.” replied Nikolai lightly and perceptively, his hazel eyes burning with longing and admiration as he looked at you. 

You looked at him in surprise as you nodded in agreement “You do know me.”

“You still didn’t answer my question. Is this... our relation - friendship real?” demanded Nikolai, his voice slightly wavering in insecurity and uncertainty even though he still held onto the belief you wouldn’t trick him but the ghosts of his past haunted him. 

You realized this was important to Nikolai as you took a step toward him and placed your hands on his shoulders, your eyes intense and sincere as you whispered softly “You are... you, Nikolai Lantsov... is the only person who I don’t want to be dishonest with. You terrify me because you are the only person who makes me feel like a girl who is seen... not a spy who hides away wearing different masks.”

Nikolai couldn’t breathe, he was certain he was having a cardiac arrest. Maybe this was a dream... a really good dream that he didn’t want to wake up from. This couldn’t be real because there you were holding him as he inhaled the soft notes of your perfume that haunted him, as you looked at him earnestly and sincerely with complete vulnerability as you told him nothing but the truth. He couldn’t describe the relief and joy that flooded him as he heard those blessed words fall from your lips, glad that this was real... not a trick cruelly played on him. 

“You’re beautiful.” whispered Nikolai breathlessly as he stared at you adoringly and reverently, because you were his Saint who he worshipped and believed in “You are absolutely divine.”

You felt your heart stop and your breath quicken at how intensely adoringly and affectionately Nikolai was gazing at you as if he had never seen anyone and anything as beautiful as you are as you felt self conscious and shy full of denial “Nikolai...”

“No, don’t you dare say that you are not beautiful. I only wish you could see what I see, Y/N.” whispered Nikolai huskily and softly as he reached to slowly caress your cheek, igniting shivers that ran down your spine as you held your breath “You are so enchanting that I feel you’re a Goddess in an impossible dream that the Saints have chosen to torment me, you dangerous girl.”

You couldn’t breathe or think but only felt Nikolai worship you with all consuming reverence and admiration, overwhelming adoration and affection that was only reserved for beautiful Goddesses and pretty princesses. You felt fragile and beautiful, precious and important as your eyes fluttered shut to feel and live in this moment that felt so wrong because Nikolai was your friend and yet, selfishly, you wanted something more from him. 

You didn’t understand this feeling. 

Your eyes fluttered open as you gazed at Nikolai with curiosity and shy nervousness as he stared at you as if there was nothing compared to you and he smiled, the sight of you making him weak “Y/N... I have something to show you... something that I want to share with you.”

Perhaps you should have refused because you loved Kaz but thoughts of Kaz Brekker eluded you in that moment as you stared at Nikolai, a shy boy who offered his hand nervously yet resolutely to you, waiting hopefully for you and you smiled widely as you took his hand in yours, your fingers intertwining perfectly and gently with his fingers that held onto your hand as if he couldn’t believe this was real. 

Nikolai Lantsov thought he was going to faint and die of happiness when you took his hand with that enchanting smile. Oh Saints, he was going to die before he married you if you kept looking at him with that soft and kind look in your eyes, as he felt the warmth of your hand radiate in his.

You looked at Nikolai who looked calm and composed wearing a joyful smile but internally Nikolai Lantsov was screaming happily and jumping up and down in excitement. 

In companionable silence, Nikolai led you toward a stone wall with lovely white roses curling on it as an old wooden door awaited you. Nikolai opened the old wooden door that creaked with welcome and chivalrously let you enter and stepped in closing the door as you looked around the garden. 

You breathed in the divine beauty of the garden that was frozen in time right where it was left. There were pillars and walls covered with green and dark vines and creepers of purple, pink and pure white flowers. There was a bubbling fountain with an ancient statue of a pretty lady holding a puppy in her arms. There was a untamed and untended wilderness of bushes and trees full of vividly wild and colorful flowers beyond your imagination that took your breath away. As you tumbled through the rusty gates and grand arches, you saw a old table with fine china tea set and napkins that had been long used covered in leaves and wilted flower crowns lying on the table. You smiled when you spotted a simple and ethereal childish tree house lodged on top of a tree. There were ponds and fountains everywhere in this vast garden and as you made your way through a garden of brightly colored cherry blossoms, you saw two swings with pretty flowers curling around the rope as they faced the view of a beautiful shimmering lake.

It was absolutely breathtaking. It was as if Nikolai had realized you were losing faith in fairytales and helped you step into this magical, ancient, wild garden that was timeless and beautiful in it’s own way, haunted by memories and ghosts. 

“It’s... it’s a fairytale!” you exclaimed in amazement and wonder as you looked at Nikolai who smiled widely and softly squeezing your hand gently “Nikolai... it’s magnificent!”

“This is my secret spot. It’s special to me. This is where I come when I want to be alone.” said Nikolai quietly and sincerely as he saw you look at him in surprise and wonder “You’re the second person I’ve been here alone with.”

“Not the direction where I thought this was going.” you said lightly with a chuckle feeling surprised and moved that he brought you to a place where he wanted to be alone and slightly jealous of the person who was here with Nikolai before you.

Nikolai laughed happily as he led you to the swing where you sat down feeling childish and playful and Nikolai sat on the swing next to you, with a reminiscent and bittersweet smile, his expression thoughtful and sincere as he looked over at you as you both giggled swinging like kids on the swings. 

“This used to be my favorite place in the world... this was mother’s secret garden. She suffered neglect in her marriage and wasn’t always happy but this was where she was the happiest, I believe.” said Nikolai honestly and reminiscently as the words suddenly spilled out of his mouth, remembering his mother who he had been fond of but had to exile. Nikolai didn’t notice you stiffen in surprise at the shocking revelation as you realized that this place was sacred to him. “Where we were the happiest together. She was the first person who I arrived to in this garden.”

“No one had time for me but when my mother had time for me, she’d bring me here. She used to say it was our magic garden where nothing outside mattered at all in here.” said Nikolai with bittersweet reminiscence as he stared at the shimmering lake shining under the moonlight remembering how he had given his mother heart attacks when he jumped into the lake and swam.

“We had the best times in here. I remember we used to spend hours playing hide and seek, building the tree house, laughing on these swings and having tea parties. She called me her sobachka.” said Nikolai with a fond smile as he felt the good and warm memories engulf him like a tidal wave, his heart feeling the pang of bittersweet “After I... after I exiled her because of how she violated her duty... I haven’t been here since then. But it’s just how I remember it. The fountains, the trees, the flowers, the swings... like nothing has changed. Not true, of course. Everything has changed. If I could bring my mother here, she wouldn’t recognize most of it because I haven’t had anyone touch this place. She wouldn’t recognize me.”

“I know it won’t mean much but I am sorry.” you said softly after a long moment of stunned and speechless silence where you had been shocked and moved by Nikolai’s vulnerable and real revelations of his childhood he confided in you “It must be hard.”

“It was the right thing to do for Ravka. If Ravka is to change, it must start with me.” said Nikolai steadily and strongly, no hint of vulnerability and insecurity noticeable but you observed a hint of exhaustion hidden deeply in those wonderful hazel eyes. 

“Well, that’s good for the King of Ravka. But... you are Nikolai, a man with a beating heart that feels deeply.” you said quietly and observantly, gentleness and understanding etched onto your face as you looked at Nikolai “You’re only human.”

“Well, sometimes the man does contemplate on his past and feels... feels human. Fragile and breakable and remembers too much and feels too much pain. Losing my mother who really knew me meant gaining Ravka. I just didn’t know it would be this lonely and painful.” replied Nikolai as he blinked back the tears that sprung into his eyes at how you could see through his act and smiled shakily “But I try not to dwell on the past but focus on the future with hope.” 

You didn’t have any words for him because you were not certain that any amount of words could comfort him as you stayed silent patting his back gently as he brushed away his tears “I didn’t come here after the war. I didn’t want anything changed in this garden. I don’t know why.”

“Well, it’s because this garden is sacred to you. It’s full of memories with your mother who you loved and didn’t live up to your expectations. The only person who knew and accepted you at the time. You’re holding onto her the only way you can... you’re holding onto the pain and grief because that’s all you have left.” you said sincerely and softly after a long moment of silence as your hand rubbed his back gently, your eyes warm and understanding repeating Nikolai’s words to him. 

Nikolai who was stunned at how you put his feelings into words properly found himself smiling brightly through his tears “I love it when you quote me.”

You both chuckled as silence reigned over you and you quietly reached over and slowly took his hand in yours surprising him. You held his hand in yours tenderly and gently, hoping he would understand that you were there for him as you smiled warmly at him, giving him hope and courage. 

“This is the first time I’ve been here since exiling my mother... with you. I wanted - I’ve hidden this place for so long but I wanted to share it with you.” confessed Nikolai sincerely with a rosy blush as he stared at you adoringly and reverently with a warm smile “Sometimes the bitter past is sweeter when you share it with a very special person.”

You couldn’t stop smiling happily as you squeezed Nikolai’s hand tightly because this felt precious to you. This was Nikolai laying down his armor and letting down his guard with you as he shared something incredibly intimate and sacred to him with you. It felt as if Nikolai trusted you with his heart to show and tell you something so private and special and you felt honored. You promised yourself you wouldn’t break this trust that felt precious and beautiful. It was nice that he had shown who he was rather than who he pretended to be to everyone. 

You were rendered speechless with emotion and Nikolai gazed at you with a warm smile “I want you to have this garden. This is yours as much as it is mine now.”

You began to protest because this was Nikolai’s sacred place and you couldn’t take something so precious to him when he shook his head and silenced you “Please. Don’t say anything. Just know that this garden is yours to enjoy now.”

You felt touched as your heart filled up with such emotion at how Nikolai easily made you feel important. It was as if he was gifting a piece of him to you hoping that you would cherish and protect it. As both of you sat in swings, swinging in silence occasionally talking and laughing with each other. Nikolai felt the air grow colder as the sky grew dark with storm clouds but he didn’t want this night to ever end. And he knew he would regret it for the rest of the life if he didn’t say these next words. 

“Y/N... it would give me the greatest pleasure if you could do me the honor of - uh - um -” stuttered Nikolai nervous and shy as he gazed hopefully at your beautiful and kind face full of curiosity and anticipation, your eyes dancing with mischief and surprise as you looked at him make a fool of himself in front of you “Uh - that is to say - I want - I mean, will you do the honor of -”

Okay, this was going terribly and Nikolai wanted the earth to open and swallow him as he saw you raise your eyebrows at him. You probably thought he was having a stroke. 

You looked at him softly in pleasant surprise and hope, your eyes full of light and warmth as you completed what he had begun “Dance with you?”

“Yes... that’s exactly it!” exclaimed Nikolai letting out a breath of relief feeling like a complete idiot in front of you because the corners of your lips twitched slightly but your eyes were full of fondness and surprise “Will you please dance with me?”

You grinned brightly as you nodded your head in agreement. Nikolai’s hands were shaking as he placed his hand gently on your waist. He had to force himself to stop screaming in joy when you held his hand and placed your other hand on his shoulder, as he felt breathless at how close both of you were. The light distant notes of the music in the ball echoed as both of you started to dance together.

You wanted to look away but there was something so magnetic and enticing about Nikolai, something that you hadn’t seen before. You had danced before as you remembered how you had attacked Nina who was a phenomenal dancer to teach you how to dance for your first mission. Nina had been surprised as to why you wanted to learn how to dance quickly but she had taught you well along with Jesper. You remembered how Nina would instruct you over and over again while Matthias encouraged you, Jesper and Inej teased you while Wylan played the piano as Kaz’ lips twitched in amusement at how spectacularly you were failing.

You had become quite a proficient and graceful dancer in time thanks to Nina’s and Jesper’s tutoring. For your missions you had danced many times at different galas and balls with countless partners who didn’t have any rhythm or pushed you around the dance floor instead of guiding you. You had never danced with someone that wanted to truly dance with you and cherish the moment. You had never experienced this thrilling, enchanting feeling of being wanted and safe in someone’s arms while spinning and twirling. 

You didn’t understand why Nikolai was smiling at you so beautifully and why you felt so safe in his arms. 

“What are you doing?” you asked Nikolai because you wanted him to undo whatever he was doing to you.

“Dancing with you, love.” said Nikolai with a bright grin that made your heart pound in excitement and thrill. 

“Why aren’t you dancing with the rest of the princesses who are waiting for you?” you queried careful to keep any hint of jealousy or hurt you might have felt out of your voice. 

“Because I only want to dance with you.” said Nikolai softly and gently with such sincerity and earnestness that you were rendered speechless and then his eyes twinkled in delight “Though I must admit, I am flattered you granted me this dance. I observed you breaking the hearts of every eligible gentlemen at the ball tonight by refusing to dance with them.”

You scowled making Nikolai grin in amusement as he spun you around as you said “They didn’t really want me. And besides, I didn’t want to dance with any of those men with terrible breath and egos larger than their dicks.”

Nikolai couldn’t stop laughing outright as tears of delight and happiness sprung into his eyes “You have such a unique way of saying things. A poet in your own right.”

You laughed as he drew you closer to you as you felt dizzy in a good way. His touch on your waist, his hand holding yours radiated comfort and warmth, a promise of safety that was never going to be broken. You didn’t feel as if you were guided by him, Nikolai was a good dancer who had perfect rhythm and didn’t push you around the floor. Dancing with Nikolai felt as if you were floating on air, your feet light and blissful as you craved for more, wanting to dance with him under the moonlight forever. 

You both could hear the distant melody echoing from the palace ballroom as a singer’s voice crooned from a distance “No, I won't be afraid, no, I won't be afraid just as long as you stand, stand by me.”

You could feel your heart beat fast as you looked at Nikolai who held you like a promise as he looked at you with such staggering affection and sincerity twirling you around as he caught you in his arms with a gentle and loving smile as the singer crooned “So darlin', darlin', stand by me.  Oh, stand by me Oh, stand Stand by me, stand by me.”

This moment felt intimate and quietly blissful. You looked at him and saw his face expressing nothing but steadfast promise to always be there for you no matter what. A lump of emotion formed in your throat and you knew in that moment that this ridiculous, beautiful, wonderful boy would always have you and nothing could ever change the fact that you would stand by him.

Nikolai felt blessed as a man to hold you in his arms and dance with you tonight as you smiled at him with that smile you smiled when you felt truly happy and content. He had never felt this way about anyone. Nikolai cherished this moment as you rested your head on his chest, swaying gently and Nikolai swore his heart beat skyrocketed at the fact that the woman he loved, who was incomparable and wonderful was in his arms resting his head on his chest. 

You took in a deep breath as you looked at Nikolai shyly “I’ve never done this before.”

Nikolai was confused “Danced?”

“No. I mean, I’ve danced with plenty of men who think they are the greatest of all time. But I mean, I’ve always danced for missions, for the purpose of completing a task. I’ve never had the pleasure of enjoying and having fun at a dance... I’ve never danced with someone I like who likes me back.” you confessed feeling foolish and shy as you averted your gaze at the last moment, blushing at confiding your little secret to Nikolai. 

“Then I shall endeavor to make this night unforgettable.” said Nikolai honestly and gladly, happy that this was the first time you were dancing properly for fun without any purpose and it was with him. You had chosen him. “May I ask what’s made you like me?”

You shot him an exasperated glare that made him smirk widely in amusement “Really? I can’t believe you. I might just step on your feet.”

“You wouldn’t do - OW, SAINTS MY FEEBLE FOOT!” exclaimed Nikolai who had begun teasing you but regretted it the very moment your high heel poked him in the foot very sharply “Alright, it’s a mercy all those men survived dancing with you.”

Nikolai regretted the words slipping out of his mouth because the moment he said that, your high heels stamped him with vengeance “OWW - FOR THE LOVE OF RAVKA - HOW THE HELL DID YOU MANAGE TO STEP ON AND INCAPACITATE BOTH OF MY FEET, WOMAN?”

“I’m really enjoying this dance. It’s so fun!” you exclaimed with a wide grin amused and delighted at Nikolai’s dramatic reactions and you grinned brightly when he shot you a childish and petulant look.

“Oh yes, laugh at my pain. You sadistic she - devil, you enjoy others pain so much.” retorted Nikolai surly trying to be serious and petulant but you were laughing outrageously and his lips twitched happily “My poor, poor, feet.”

“You are a war hero and you cannot survive this dance?” you queried sweetly as you batted your eyelashes.

“You remind me of a cavalry horse who stepped on the feet of officers who he didn’t like.” said Nikolai as he nursed the pain in his foot and then realized the ungentlemanly tone of what he had said as he quickly scrambled “I beg your pardon Y/N, I didn’t mean to imply you were heavier than a cavalry horse -”

But you were laughing in amusement as you shook your head fondly at Nikolai. You felt really happy and alive and wondered how many moments in your life you felt this incandescently happy. You remembered the memories with the Crows where you felt the thrill of undertaking a new adventure, the moments shared with Kaz that you thought meant something but this moment with Nikolai felt very different and special to you than the rest of them.

The lightning flashed in the night sky and the drops of rain began to relentlessly fall down upon you. You couldn’t help but smile as you hugged Nikolai in happiness as you felt the raindrops soak you thoroughly but you didn’t care as you and Nikolai laughed and danced in the rain. Thunder grumbled and lightning flashed as the storm raged on but you both were perfectly happy as you ran through the gardens childishly and laughed happily and danced joyfully and happily in each other’s arms because there was nowhere else you both would rather be. 

And late into the morning as both of you stumbled into the castle giggling and Nikolai walked you to the palace, his coat draped over you, you realized you hadn’t thought of Kaz Brekker at all when you were with Nikolai and most importantly, you didn’t now care as much as you did before. It felt strange and new as you looked at Nikolai rambling about a new invention of his and your lips tugged into a soft smile at how your cheeks were aching from smiling and your stomach hurt from laughing so much. You had missed being happy. 

Perhaps every long lost dream and every time your heart broke was a northern star that had guided and led you to Nikolai Lantsov, the man who had a heart full of kindness and love.

You didn’t want to think about falling in love again, but you were glad to have a true friend who understood you in ways that no one ever did. 

And when Nikolai saw you off at your chamber, you looked at him with a strange and quiet look in your eyes as you said “Thank you. For tonight. It was everything.”

Nikolai smiled enchantingly as his eyes twinkled with affection and longing for you “You are welcome. But I must thank you for making this ball the best night of my life.”

“Go inside and get warm. I don’t want you catching a cold.” said Nikolai fussing over you as he took his handkerchief and started to use it as a towel as he scrubbed your hair in worry trying to dry it while you snapped at him and freed yourself.

“Oh stop fussing!”

“Oh, pardon me if I didn’t want you to get sick!”

You laughed as you looked at Nikolai gratefully and warmly as you suddenly threw your arms around him and hugged him tightly because there was this very warm and happy, aching and loud emotions flooding into you as you whispered to a very surprised Nikolai who hugged you back “I think I finally believe in Saints.”

Nikolai held you protectively and caringly in his arms as he whispered huskily “Why?”

“Because they led me straight to you, Nikolai Lantsov.” you whispered softly and reverently, your voice full of emotion in a sacred prayer, a whispered secret uttered in a room. 

Nikolai felt breathless and speechless as his brain stopped functioning for a moment as he processed what you meant as you buried your head on his shoulder for a moment because if you didn’t want to let him go at all and wanted to stay in his arms forever where it felt safe and right and real. 

But you broke out of the embrace as you looked at a stunned and speechless Nikolai, his eyes shining with glimmer of joy and hope as you leaned up and pressed a soft and sweet kiss on his cheek, your lips lingering on his skin very briefly and then smiled “Good night, Nikolai. Sleep well.”

Nikolai stood outside your door frozen in shock because you had just proclaimed that you believed in Saints because of him and had kissed him on the cheek. His hand hovered over the spot where your lips had softly and briefly lingered, his cheek growing warm as he replayed that moment in his head over and over again. He was grinning widely like a fool, frozen in time and swore never to wash his face again because he didn’t want your kiss to be washed away. Everything was just perfect and beautiful and magical in the world because Nikolai had the most magical night with the woman he loved. And now, he dared to truly hope that you might have feelings for him too. 

Nikolai wanted to scream from the rooftops. Nikolai wanted to dance joyfully. Nikolai wanted to run. But he felt it all as he stood frozen for a long time outside your door. 

After a few moments, Zoya came marching through the corridors and fumes were coming out of her ears when she saw Nikolai soaked wet, standing frozen as she scolded him “YOUR MAJESTY, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? You were completely missing, no note! You could have died! You could have - Nikolai? Nikolai? Saints, you’re not moving! Are you alright? What happened?”

Nikolai grinned loopily, looking like an insane lunatic “My dreams are coming true!”

Zoya raised her eyebrows at Nikolai wondering if he had slipped and knocked his head hard when she realized that he was standing in front of your chambers and Zoya had to resist the urge to gasp out loud in surprise as she replied calmly “Nikolai... what the -”

“She kissed my cheek, Zoya!” exclaimed Nikolai letting out a squeal of delight and Zoya shushed him immediately because she didn’t want him waking you up “Aaaargghh! I can’t believe it!”

Zoya dragged a lovestruck Nikolai who was over the moon away from your chambers as he mumbled and waxed poetic about how divine your eyes were but Zoya hid a smug smile as she muttered under her breath “I’m winning that bet, Nina.”

And Nikolai Lantsov who was absolutely enchanted by you would toss and turn restlessly in his bed until he sunk into a deep slumber bewitched by beautiful and sweet dreams of you.

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[manikas-whims]

26/02/2024: Nina and Matthias’s son asks Kaz if he’s a bad person

“Uncle Kaz, are you a bad person?”

They were walking down the bustling streets of Little Ravka.

Unsurprisingly his four year-old nephew, Soren, had acquired the same love for waffles as his mother. From his father, had merely acquired the sparkling blue eyes which he weaponized quite a lot whenever he needed to coax Kaz into doing his bidding.

And so, after ignoring Soren’s adorable pleas and big, blue, sparkling eyes for hours, Kaz had agreed to take him out for a snack. As such, they were heading towards this famous local diner in the area to try some ravkan-styled waffles.

Kaz had expected the child to show his excitement over it. Expected the little one to constantly persuade him into buying delectable sweets on their way. But questions about his morality were the last thing he had imagined. And from a child at that.

“Why do you ask?” He spoke in an even tone.

The child replied without a beat. “Cause a lot of people in Fee-eda say so.”

“I see.”

It’d been years since the Ice Court Heist. Despite never being able to prove it, there was a common tale spread around the Fjerdan folk about a sinister Demjin named Kaz Brekker who had come from the land of Kerch and broke down the formidable walls of the Ice Court using his dark powers. That he had peeled off his gloves inside the court and cast a sinister enchantment with the devious motions of his fingers to corrupt the sacred tree. That he was a mad man who had stolen the Shu child on a whim, and then decided to sell him off to the highest bidding nation for further entertainment.

“Wanna know what I think?” Soren asked, waving his hands in excitement.

Kaz smirked. “I honestly don’t care but you’ll tell me anyway, won’t you?”

The boy giggled. “I will! I will!”

“Well..?” Kaz waited patiently, both gloved hands now resting on his crow head cane.

“I think you’re a good person.”

The words stupefied Kaz more than they should have.

“And what makes you believe so?” He asked. He was expecting some sort of innocent and childlike response such as: because you spoil me with candy, because you show me magic or because you defend me when Papa gets mad.

The boy however, tilted his head, cheeks puffing up as he collected his thoughts and formulated a response.

“Because Aunt Inej likes you.”

Once more Kaz was left stunned. And a little flustered by the child’s words. He could only hope no one else heard it for the mere idea of someone liking Dirtyhands could stir the entire barrel with some spicy rumors. And he would not want to deal with them when his little nephew was around.

Soren’s eyes twinkled as he went on. “Aunt Inej likes me too! And, and..she told me she only likes good people. So that means Uncle Kaz is good too!”

“Alright then, ” Kaz coughed to compose himself and offered a gloved hand for the boy to hold. “Let’s get you those damned waffles.”

Soren bounced with joy at that and accepted the proffered hand as they continued their walk.

» 15/? of Manika's Mini Fics «

Read my previous mini fic with Kaz and Soren HERE

SOC Masterlist

[joekeerysguitar]

erasing the lies

not friends/slight enemies to lovers <3

overview: you are an a+ student who is well rounded, very disciplined, and hard working gets asked to tutor the most obnoxious, lazy, and rude boy who ever stepped foot on this planet… steve harrington. unable to say no, you help him.. but what you uncover is something completely unexpected..

included: angst, fluff, mutual feelings, happy ending, cursing, relationships, use of y/n

authors note: heyy everyone! sorry about not uploading or writing anything in a longggg time. i’ve been super busy lately and just trying to enjoy the summer but i’m back! came up with this super cute idea and i hope you enjoy! thank you for all the love on the rest of my fics!! much love, nina <3

¡! ❞ ˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ ↳ ❝ [] ¡! ❞

“Mhm… yes.. she’ll be down shortly” The phone hits the receiver as your teacher spins around catching your eyes. “Y/N, the principal would like to see you.” She smiles her fake toothy grin as she resumes her lesson.

You feel the eyes on you as you quickly stuff your bag with your notebooks and pencils trying to get out of being the center of attention. You could hear the slight whispering of the class which feeds your inner thoughts.

“Oh shit, what did I do?”

“Am I in trouble?”

Quickly shutting the classroom door behind you, you exhale taking in the stale air of the empty hallway of Hawkins High School. You quickly walk down the hall as your heart beats wildly out of your chest. You can feel your stomach churn as you reach out for the door nob of the brown glass door that reads “Main Office.” The small bell at the top of the door rings alerting the secretary as you quickly step inside and shut the door gently. Taking a deep breath, you chase the butterflies away in your stomach as you loosen your shoulders and walk up to her forming a smile with your cherry lips.

“Uh hi, I was called down by the principal.” You mutter with a small smile.

“You must be Y/N?” She asks reading at a post it note on her desk. You nod trying to quickly get this interaction over with. “Have a seat dear.”

You walk over to the small sofa chair in the corner of the office. Bouncing your leg, you can feel the nervousness creep up from your core once again as the same questions float through your mind like clouds on a breezy day. You look around the room and notice old school yearbook photos, sports championship awards, and other boring memorabilia. Before you get a chance to read any, the door swings open to the person you did not want to see… the principal. He is older, with short small wisps of hair that adorn his mostly bald head. He is wearing a blue suit and you can see his beer belly slightly protrude from his attire.

“Come on in Y/N”

You quickly get out of the seat and follow him into the small crammed office. Your eyes immediate lock onto a very recognizable face here at Hawkins High. This face belongs to someone who’ve you have despised since elementary school. Someone who used to practically rule over the school, date every girl in the 5 mile radius, and keep his hair perfectly in place every single day. The King of Hawkins High was sitting right before your eyes.. the one and the only Steve Harrington. He just feverishly looks up at you before darting his eyes away and fiddles with his fingers embarrassingly. Your mind floods with endless questions as you take a seat next to him.

Steve Harrington is known for being the arrogant and snobby rich jock who’s only personality trait is hooking up with 50 girls a month. Rumors go around that his ex girlfriend Nancy Wheeler broke up with him because she cheated with Jonathan Byers and didn’t want to get risked getting caught. All you know is that you don’t want to mess with him or even talk to him. He fails all his classes, always goes to parties, and barely has his parents home.

Trouble.

The principal clears his throat, “I probably assume you two have never met. Let me introduce you two. Y/N this is Steve, Steve this is Y/N.”

Being polite you turn your head and put on a fake smile as he returns the favor before you both quickly look at the principal once again.

“Now I called you two down here not because you’re in trouble but I have an important question to ask.” He says flicking his eyes between you two.

Okay not in trouble.. that’s a good sign.

“Y/N, now I know you are in many advanced classes and receive very high grades.” You nod and smile agreeing with his statements. You feel Steve shift in his chair uncomfortably as you look over and see his face blush as red as a tomato. “Well, Steve here does not receive the best of grades. Right now, if he doesn’t pass his classes, he will be unable to qualify for graduation.” You nod you head as your head whirs with millions of thoughts…

“Pfft, no shit it’s Steve Harrington”

“Unable to graduate? I could never.”

“What does this even mean?”

“Well I was wondering if you would be interested in tutoring him? Either once or twice a week would suffice.” He says with a smile as he looks at you.

Your heart drops just like the roller coasters at amusement parks. Your stomach does a flip as you can feel your organs rearrange from inside. Your face starts to heat up as your palms begin to get sweaty. You’re bad at making decisions especially ones that require things you don’t like.

Tutor Steve Harrington? Shoot me now!

Looking over at Steve you notice him look up at you reading your face for any response. You just look at him and look at the principal as the thoughts zoom around your brain.

You don’t know what to do.

Should I be the better person? Should I help the douchebag? You decide to go with your gut, you can’t ever say no.

You look up at the principal. “Sure, why not.” You smile as you look over to Steve who just looks at you like his prayers got awnsered.

He knows your really smart. Really really smart. And pretty cute too. You know, maybe this whole tutoring thing would work out in his favor. He passes his classes and he gets a new chic.

“Perfect, thank you Y/N!” He smiles as he hands you Steve’s grade sheet. “He specifically needs to work on Physics and US History.”

You glance at his grade sheet as you read the grades.

Physics- D

English- C

US History- F

Geometry- B

Oh boy, these grades aren’t looking too hot.

The principal buds in again. “Tutoring could be 1-2 hours at either persons house. He must be fully prepared by the last month of school.” You nod your head placing his grade sheet in your bag.

“Steve why don’t you thank Y/N for helping you with your studies?” He demands looking at Steve.

“Thank you Y/N.” He says timidly looking up into your eyes for a split second.

His eyes were really pretty. Brown with a hazel undertone. They shined with the morning sun glimmering through the half drawn shades.

You just smile back at him and reply “You’re welcome. Does tomorrow night around 6:00 at my place work?” He nods as you exchange addresses.

You leave the office with a million thoughts in your head.

How are you supposed to tutor someone you hate. Out of all people it is goddamn Steve Harrington. The rich, snobby, and rude jock who knows nothing but of parties and alcohol. You’re not gonna enjoy these sessions, you already know it. Seeing him is bad enough, how you have to talk and teach him twice a week for the next several weeks. Might as well just dig your grave now.

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“He will be here any min- ding.. I’ll get it.” You yell through the house. Steve had just ringed your doorbell. Your blood pressure just rose off the charts. You quickly run over to the front door and open it. There is Mr. Pretty Boy himself with his books cradled in his hands. He is wearing a dark green polo shirt with his usual blue jeans. He flashes you a charming hello smile as you step to the side and let him in.

That smile. Oh boy, made you feel different.

“Hi, how are you?” You ask watching him look around the house.

I’m sure he’s definitely judging it. Rich boy isn’t used to small rooms…

“I’m fine, how are you?” He asks catching you in the eye as you find yourself get lost in them.

Shake it off.. you gotta hate him…

Steve knows that he has this horrible reputation and he knows that people who don’t know him see him as what he used to be. His goal is to change that, whatever way possible. He hasn’t had a ton of friends since the whole situation. Heck, he dropped Tommy and his silly girlfriend. He really had no one.

He had hope.

Maybe you could be his first actual friend…

If he could prove to you that he changed…

He could even prove to himself that he won’t make mistakes ever again..

“Follow me.” You say tucking your hair behind your ears as you guide him to your room.

Your room was small and quaint. White walls with white decor. The accent the room was baby pink as you had several pictures of flowers or beaches on the wall. It was your comfy spot. Made you feel safe.

As you enter the room you walk over and sit down on your bed swinging your legs as they dangle off the floor. Beside you are the books you set out to study and practice with. Steve just looked around with a curious gaze in his eyes before he set his stuff down on your desk and walked over to sit beside you.

“Let’s get started.” You say turning to face him while you grab the Physics book from off the pile.

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“What’s the awnser to Question #7?” You ask as you stare at his pondering complexion. You wait a few seconds. “Hello? Earth to Steve?” You ramble as you wave your hand in front of his face.

“What.. sorry.” He jumps back into reality looking bored.

“Are you okay?” You ask softly as he looks up into your eyes.

“Can we do something else?” He asks trying to read a reaction from your face.

“Yeah, Math or Social Studies?” You ask totally clueless.

“Not school Y/N.” He drags readjusting himself on your bed.

“Then what?” You ask a little harsher then expected. He looks surprised at your response.

“Jeez, you’re a little cranky.” He says sarcastically as he takes the book from your lap and places it on the ground. You watch as he fixes his hair after it gets into his face.

His hair is really nice. Dark thick hazelnut colored hair that is always perfectly styled and hair sprayed. They don’t call him “The Hair” for nothing.

You zoned out for a minute while studying his lucious locks and now he is taping your shoulder lightly to regain your attention.

“Sorry, just confused what you wanna do since the whole reason why you are here is to pass school.” You brush a piece of fallen hair from behind your ear.

Steve is not gonna lie to himself. You’re pretty cute, even when your cranky.

“Did I do something wrong?” He asks looking confused as he looks into your darting eyes.

You search your brain for a response. You question telling him a lie or telling him the truth. Taking a deep breath you spit out the truth.

“Not currently. I mean it’s just a weird situation. You know, you’re popular and a jock and every girl on the planet is obsessed with you. And I’m not popular, a nerd, and never has had a boyfriend. So yeah this is a little awkward. Plus considering the fact that I thought you absolutely 100% hated me prior to this.” You blurt out with a nervous chuckle as you examine your fingers.

“What did I do to make you think that I hated you?” He asks inquisitively while still looking at you as he sees the blush to your cheeks.

“I mean in elementary school you did push me into a muddy puddle.” You say looking back up at him and smiling a bit.

He chuckles and says jokingly, “That’s the reason why? I’m sorry I did that Y/N but… maybe you deserved it.” His voice turns serious. “But on a serious note, let’s just scratch this whole stereotype thing and start fresh, okay?” He asks looking right into your ocean blue eyes as he extends his hand forward.

“Deal.” You laugh as you shake his hand. “I’m Y/N, nice to meet you!”

“I’m Steve, nice to meet you too!” He smiles brightly.

Hard feelings vanished..

For the remainder of the night, you two talk small talk about what you two enjoy and things that are happening in your lives. To be honest, you don’t mind him. You enjoy his quick remarks, his flirty attitude, his humor, and most of all his company.

On the other hand, Steve never thought he would speak to you a day in his life. But here he is, talking about movies, people, etc with someone he just met 24 hours ago and hell he was enjoying it too! There was something about you, something that made him incredibly happy inside. Something that filled a void no one has even filled before.

By the time the night was over, you already exchanged phone numbers and planned your next session.

Steve nor you could not wait for the next time you saw eachother!

Something definitely changed with him over the years. You’ve learned so much from him and how he has grown to better himself. It feels like someone took a pink eraser and erased all the lies right off the paper. It was good as new!

Deep down you had a feeling though and Steve was definitely feeling it too..

Deep down you had a crush..

On Steve Harrington..

The person who you refused to even speak to about 24 hours ago..

And he had one on you too..

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It was three days later and you and Steve were in the exact same spot practicing questions. You could tell by his body language that he was getting tired and bored. He got up and started to wander around your room with his usual playful smirk tugging at his lips. Steve was bored of studying, you two have been studying flash cards for two hours and he was at his wits end. Steve loved the little breaks or stupid activities the two of you would do when you both were tired and needed a break. He loved spending time with you, either if it was teasing you or just having a simple friend to friend conversation. You guys have gotten closer over the time spent together and he clearly recognizes that. At first, you used to be shy and more reserved but the more time you’ve spent with him, the more you’ve come out of your shell. He loves your fiery remarks or playful teasing you always delivered right back to him after he said something to you. He loved watching you become pissed at him or become sarcastic and quick-witted with him after he would ask a stupid question or pull a dramatic stunt. So, per usual he decided this was the time to do yet another stunt he had brewing in his heavily hair-sprayed mind.

“Steve, what the hell are you doing?” You question as you watch his eyes glaze over your desk as he reaches his purple sleeved arm over towards a book on it. “Put that down.” You bark as you get up and race towards him. The smirk only growing bigger on his face as he hears your distress.

“What is this?” He asks with squinted eyes as he begins to open the pages but before he could get a good look, you reach for it. Using his height advantage, he stretches his arm towards the ceiling which now suspended the book over your head.

“Give it to me! It’s my diary, put it down!” You beg as you brush up against him as you try to grab and reach it. He laughs as he stands in his tippy toes to get it higher as you jump to try to reach it. You’re practically chest to chest as you can feel his chest bounce quickly with each sharp laugh. He is getting a kick out of you freaking out. Suddenly, you realize you two are really close, too close for comfort. He senses your body language switch and suddenly returns to a more calm and collected state. He can feel his laughter fade as a small smile sits on his lips. He can feel his heart pick up as he locks eyes with yours as he resists the urge to pull you closer or look at your lips. You look even more beautiful up close as he notices the faint freckles peppering your cheeks and nose.

You stop as you lock eyes for a minute. Steve is a few inches taller than you but you two are face to face. Inches away from eachother. You examine his face close up. His hair is slightly disheveled with strands hang in front of his eyes. He has moles freckling his face like stars on a clear night. Your eyes flit down to his lips as you notice how cheery red they look close up. Quickly you look at him again, fearful of getting caught staring. You could feel your cheeks slightly blush and turn warm as you just stare into Steve’s brown sparkly eyes. The more you try to pull away, the more they pull you in. Steve feels the same way as he feels nervousness creep up from his core as his lips curve into a slight smile. He pulls the book down as he continues to lock eyes with yours. He has no idea how long it’s been. His mind is mush as he finds himself darting from your eyes to your lips..

“Here.” He whispers breathlessly as he hands you the book slightly backing up but keeping the eye contact.

“Thanks.” You reply as you blush a little harder now as you walk to your desk to place the book down and then you both return to the spot on the bed and continue.

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In a matter of a two weeks, you two have gotten extremely close. You would if never imagined that you would be good friends with the most popular guy in school, the one all you’re friends tell you to stay away from.. yet he just draws you in. The endless amounts of nights where he calls you on the phone asking about homework as it suddenly turns into a three hour call where you two ramble about random topics. You’re falling faster than you thought you would.. crumbling as he created cute nicknames for you and knows everything that makes you tumble over in laughter. He’s a complete opposite of you and your morals, yet you two seem to attract like a magnet.

Steve has learned to know you like a book, using his charismatic and charming personality he knows exactly what makes you blush or makes you laugh. As the study sessions go on, he picks up on your body language and your habits. He enjoys listening to you ramble for hours on end about friends or your family. He’s never really felt such an instant connection with someone before especially only knowing them for a few weeks now.

Today marks the last study session before Steve’s test. The last time you’ll see him roll his eyes at a physics question, the last time he will tease you about your stupidly high grades and how smart you are, the last time you two don’t focus on the task and do other things. You feel sadness forming in your heart hoping that after this, he continues to want to talk on the phone or even hang out. You love seeing him wave and smile at you in school or meeting you at your locker to talk. But you’re scared, you’re scared that he’s gonna put on his cocky jock attitude and won’t speak to you again… completely cut you out. You’ve seen a different side to him that you’ve never seen before. He’s sweet, considerate, and gentle around you. Never fails to have you think about him endlessly once he leaves your house or you hang up on the phone…

Little do you know, he feels the same. The same feeling poking him in the gut, the feeling where you want to hold on and never let go.

You’re suprised when your doorbell rings earlier than usually. You glance at the small watch on your left wrist as it reads “4:00 pm.” But you two agreed on 7:00 pm the night prior. You quickly brush your hair behind your shoulders as you open the door.

“Hey Steve, you’re early.” You say with a smile as you notice him blushing a bit in embarrassment. His cheeks are a slight pink as he smiles at you.

“Uh hey Y/N, sorry I’m early.” He pauses for a second. “Are you busy? Am I interrupting anything?” He asks a little more concerned now as the blush intensifies on his cheeks.

You shake your head as you chuckle a bit. “No.. no.. you’re not interrupting anything.”

“Okay good, I was wondering if I could just come now.. I know it’s our last night so I wanted some extra practice before the test tomorrow morning.” He says reading your face for an answer.

Now if he was Pinocchio, his nose would grow larger.. because he is lying. His pants are on fire.

“Of course, come on in!” You say with an enthusiastic smile as you move to the side to let him in.

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“Okay last physics question, I promise.” You say with a teasing smile as he rolls his eyes. You ask him a pretty difficult question as you could see the gears practically turning in his head. He answers correctly as a beaming smile forms on your lips. You notice the pure excitement on his face at your reaction.

Steve cannot help but to feel his heart flutter to see the reaction you just gave him. A huge proud beaming smile.. one that makes him want to melt into a big puddle on your bed. He thinks your reaction is the cutest thing, you’re the cutest thing and he feels like it’s the right time to ask his question.

Once you two calm down a bit and all the books are put away, you’re staring Steve right in the face. He’s just smiling gently at you, his eyes dazzling in the soft light of your room. You feel the butterflies form in your stomach as you break the comfortable silence.

“How do you feel for tomorrow? Good? Bad?”

“I think I’ll be okay, pretty nervous” He says with a shrug as he smiles a bit hesitant at you, you notice how his demeanor has changed. He seems more nervous and quiet now.

“You’ll do great, trust me!” You say trying to lighten the mood as you earn a smile from him. You give him a comforting smile as you grab his hand and hold it in yours gently squeezing it.

Your touch practically sends Steve to the moon. He just feels so happy, he feels all the nerves and worries washing away as you gently hold his hand in comfort. He truly believes every word you’re saying.

He clears his throat before asking a bit nervously. He’s been thinking about this plan all night and all day. He wants to celebrate with you, regardless if he passes or not. He wants to treat you for volunteering your time to help him. And of course, he just wants to spend some time with you. You make his day with these sessions as you constantly giggle at his jokes making his heart soar or seeing you smile so beautifully. You’re like treasure to him, he wants to cherish you forever.

“Y/N, do you possibly want to go and get ice cream with me when it’s all done and over with… like a celebration type of thing?” He asks with a gentle smile as a hint of pink crowds his cheeks.

You let his statement settle in the air as you feel your heart pick up at the words. Without a second thought you reply, “I would love too, Steve!” You can feel the heat rise to your cheeks as you smile unstoppably at him. You see his eyes open wide in happiness in response as the smile grows bigger on his freckled cheeks.

Head over heels..

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Steve has refused to tell you the outcome of his test until you two were seated on the back trunk of his car indulging in your ice creams. His treat, of course.

“So Steve…” You say pausing to swallow. “What did you get?” You push the spoon around the sprinkled covered ice cream as you wait for him to respond.

Steve places his icecream down as you copy him looking at him more curious now. You watch the sides of his mouth curve into a grin. “I passed, everything!” He says excitedly. You can’t help but to squeal in surprise as you wrap your arms around him for a hug.

“I’m so proud of you!” You say muffled against his shoulder. You can feel his broad arms wrap around your lower back as he hugs you back. You can feel the sudden chill from the ice cream melt away.

You pull away as you look him dearly in the eyes with a sincere smile on your face. “See, I told you that you could do it!” You say smiling even wider. You’re so so so happy, this made your day.. your week even.

Steve has never seen you this happy for anything ever. Heck, Steve has never even had anyone this happy for him. He just feels this overwhelming sense of accomplishment and joy that fills his entire body.

You both are now just looking at each other with huge smiles, enjoying the comfortable silence. Steve feels like he should make a move, before he loses you. He’s afraid that after this, your friendship could disappear. You would go back to your friends and he would hang out with his. And he didn’t want that. He wanted to be with you.

“So what was the final sc-“ You’re interrupted mid sentence as he presses his lips delicately against yours. You gasp into his lips as your eyes dart shut. His hand gently caresses your cheek as your body freezes. He pulls apart smiling and blushing madly as he looks at you lovingly. You just stare like a dear in headlights at him. You’re shocked and can’t even process what just happened.

Steve Harrington just kissed you.

Your cheeks are a crimson color now as you smile shyly at him. Without a second thought, it’s your turn to confess how you feel. And by this, you press your lips against his once more. His lips are pillowy soft and taste sweet from the ice cream. One of your hands cups his cheek while the other rests gently on his shoulder. You can feel his hand come and press against your lower back as he pulls you closer to him as the other pulls hair behind your ear delicately. You pull apart with a smile as you become nervous and shy around him. You can feel the absence on your lips as butterflies course through your tummy.

Steve is genuinely surprised that you feel the same way. He would never think that you, a smart and determined girl would ever fall in love with a dumb, cocky jock. He’s only known you for about a month now but it feels like it’s been years. You two just instantly clicked. Maybe opposites do attract..

He just feels overwhelming happy as he just stares at you with the biggest gushy smile and sparking eyes as he wraps an arm around your shoulder and pulls you close to him. You rest your head on his shoulder as you two just watch the sun set behind the trees, feeling totally in love.

Maybe people aren’t as bad as they seem..

People can change, people can grow..

And all you know, is you love Steve for who he is and who he became..

Because the lies were erased clean off the page.

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thank you for reading!! <3 hope you enjoyed the fic!!

[bloodyknucklesforme]

I Am Hungry, I Have Been Hungry | Carnal XVIII

Carnal (adjective) : relating to or given to crude bodily pleasures and appetites

Nina, Simon and Johnny get ready for Christmas

Masterpost

CW: cannibalism, rape/sexual assault mention, smut

This is very much a horror fic mostly based around the films Raw (2017) and Bones and All (2022), if you sit through those you should be good here. This is my first horror fic.

Chapter Title Credit: Abbey by Mitski

They sat there like rabbits in a warren. Nina took Johnny’s wrist and moved his hand from her hair to her face, kissing the palm of his hand. He’d cut himself with the knife the night before, not deeply but it could scar. Above her, Simon was kissing Johnny. One of his hands held Johnny’s cheek while the other held her calf firmly. 

“Our girl” is what Johnny said. She wanted to be their girl. Wanted to be part of something. She never thought being touched could be so comforting. Her father, the men at the hospital, Arthur, the men at the club. She could still feel how tightly they’d grip her arms. Simon’s touch was soft along her leg, despite the callouses. Watching them kiss - she wanted to be loved like that. 

She sat up. They stopped and looked at her. Her hands shook as she leaned in, kissing the side of Johnny’s mouth. Let her in please, please oh please, just let her in. Simon cupped the back of her head and pulled close. She ended up straddling one of each man's legs. Johnny was rubbing her back under her sweater. Simon was playing with the hem of her dress. 

She held their shoulders. Lips and teeth and tongues clashing together in a splendid melange. A large calloused hand made its way up her thigh to her centre, knuckles dragged against her covered slit. 

“Do you want me to?” Asked Simon, nuzzling her face. 

“Yes,” She whimpered. 

Simon slid two fingers under the gusset of her panties. Johnny’s grip on her tightened. She closed her eyes, letting their hands keep her from floating away. Simon played in her wetness, dragging his fingers between her folds. Johnny’s mouth was on her neck. She was trembling as they bounced her attention between them. 

“We got ya. Does it feel good?” Johnny’s fingers tangle in her hair, his other hand holding her hip steady.

“Our girl, our good girl.” Simon growls, rubbing his face against her chest. She gasped as Simon pushed a finger inside of her. She leaned forward, resting her forehead against Simon’s shoulder. Coos and praises filled her head like smoke. 

Two fingers pumping in and out. She gripped them, fingers shaking around woollen knits. Simon’s thumb rubbed circles around her clit. It was almost too much, she wanted to flinch away, it was good but strange. Her orgasm came as a surprise. Her back arched, Johnny and Simon kissing opposite sides of her face. She gasped and choked. 

“Do you want more, love? Want Johnny to take care of you?” Simon brushed her hair off her sweaty forehead. She turned and greedily kissed Johnny, something passionate, hungry. He pulled her fully into his lap.

He carried her upstairs, over his shoulder she watched Simon follow, licking his fingers clean. 

Johnny laid her down on the bed as gently as he could. Kissing down her chest until he reached the bottom of her sweater and could pull it up and over her head. Simon sat down beside her head, stroking her cheek and resting a hand on the back of Johnny’s head. 

Her dress was slid down her body, she shuddered as the cold air caused her nipples to harden and goosebumps rise over her arms. Johnny kissed down her stomach. Simon moved to lay down next to her. 

The bedroom was dark, the only light came from the hallway through the half closed door. The shadows made Simon’s face distort. Features changing as her eyes adjusted to the dark. Her stomach tossed about. Every time she blinked she saw a boot come crashing down, cracking open the front of his skull. 

She felt hot, sweat building in every bent joint. Her chest was getting smaller, her heart struggling to beat in rhythm. 

“Johnny, stop.” Simon said, pushing him by the shoulder. “Nina, look at me. You’re okay.”

There was a roaring in her ears. She pulled her knees up to her chest. She was an animal trapped between two predators. She moved her arm up to her mouth. An old scar ready to open up again. This cursed room, this cursed house, this cursed life. She bit down. 

A familiar taste but not hers. She felt no pain, just the gentle soothing of a hand on the back of her head. She was crying as she was lifted into Johnny’s lap and Simon moved behind him, enveloping both of them. 

“I’m sorry,” she mumbled through a full mouth. 

“Nothing to apologise for.” Johnny kissed her temple. Her jaw went slack as her heart rate calmed, matching Johnny’s pulse in her mouth. Her muscles ached as she let go of Johnny’s arm. Simon replaced it with his hand, putting pressure on the wound. 

“I told ya you wouldn’t ever have to hurt yourself again. I keep my promises.” Johnny said, kissing her temple. “Let’s get ya cleaned up.”

The air in the house felt different. There was something stale drifting about. Johnny complained about her opening all the windows despite the snow. She paced around the house in endless loops, Johnny following behind trying to keep her company. His arms around her waist and his chin on her shoulder any chance he got. She liked it. He was always warm. 

Simon was different. He was affectionate in small doses. Tucking her hair behind her ear, stroking her cheek, kissing her forehead. He seemed hesitant to do much else. She wanted more. Maybe it was greedy to want to try again after failing so horribly the first time. 

The three of them hadn’t tried to be intimate again. Simon slept in the spare bedroom if he was home at all. He spent most nights out hunting now. She and Johnny got to spend most nights alone. It was easy with just him. 

Johnny, delicately, would undress her and bury his head between her thighs. Her fingers tangling in his hair, tugging in gentle praise. His fingers spread her open, his mouth around her clit. 

He liked her on top when they fucked. His hands guiding her hips. He’d lean up to nip at the tender underside of her breasts. She liked how he called her pretty when she came. She missed feeling Simon’s eyes on her. 

Johnny and Simon would have their own moments alone in the stables. She’d watched them once or twice, maybe more. Standing on an old bucket, peering through a window. Coils of muscle and flesh wrapping around each other. Johnny didn’t nip at Simon, he bit him. They clung to each other like drowning victims. Their scars would line up, healed tissue sewing them together. It made her stomach warm. Did they know she was watching? Could they smell her and the wetness between her legs? 

“Mine,” Simon growled. 

She felt a twinge of jealousy. It felt more passionate between them. There were memories there. Love there. She wanted to be loved like that. She’d rush back to the house, hands shaking and cheeks on fire. 

She felt like ever the stranger in her own house. 

“I called to ask if I’m still welcome for Christmas dinner,” Price chuckled over the phone. She’d forgotten how close the holiday was. Price had been coming over for Christmas eve dinner since she could remember, always among her father’s other friends until his death. Then it was just Price.

“Of, course. I can do all the traditional stuff. Beef wellington, potatoes, sticky pudding. Whatever you like.” 

“I’d like that, Nina.” He sighed. “Are you doing okay?”

“Yeah, ummm… I’m great. Johnny’s good too. We took his stitches out a while back, he complained the whole time but we’re good.” She couldn’t tell him everything. She never could. The burden of a father was, she supposed, never knowing everything. Price would never punish her, wouldn’t hit her or withhold food but she didn’t want to disappoint him all the same. “I know it's hard to understand but they’re like me. They understand. I never thought there were other people like me.”

“As long as you’re okay, Nina. They’re my men, I trust them. I don’t think I’ll ever understand it but as long as you're safe I’ll deal with it.” All their conversations felt half made, sentences dangling around like leftover birthday streamers. “I’ll see you on the twenty fourth.Take care of yourself, love.”

“You too.”

She’d never been one for Christmas, or any holiday. She enjoyed spending time with Price but the last few years Arthur had always started a fight as soon as he left. The boys wouldn’t do that though. It could be nice this time. Could be something to look forward to. 

She had Johnny help her dig out the old decorations from the cellar. Tinsel, baubles and a little nativity scene. They took Simon’s car to pick up a tree in town. 

“Could we go to the Christmas market one night?” She asked on the way back. She’d never actually gone. Only seen them on the telly. 

“Course we can,” Johnny smiled. He loved Christmas. Simon caught her gaze in the rearview mirror. His expression was neutral, it often felt like he watched her and Johnny like they were characters in a film.

She held both their hands as they walked around. The smells made her dizzy. Wine, oranges, gingerbread, cinnamon, pine, sugar, berries. It felt like something out of a holiday card. 

“You don’t have to waste your money on us,” Johnny said as she got them another basket of chips.

“I have a whole inheritance I’ve never used. You’re the ones who haven’t worked in over a month.” Simon chuckled while Johnny tried to deflect. It was a decent amount of money and it had grown thanks to Price choosing various investments for her. The joys of having two dead parents. 

She used that thought to justify the several bags of trinkets she’d gathered up over the night. Simon, dutifully holding them for her. Reaching around her to always take them from the stand owners before she could. 

She wondered what to get them for Christmas. She’d most likely have to order it online since one of them was almost always at her side. She wasn’t sure she was ready to venture out that much on her own. With the current weather Simon would carry her before letting her walk to town alone. She should have taken Price up on his various offers to teach her to drive. This Spring, maybe.

“Be right back,” Johnny said, disappearing into the crowd. She stuck close to Simon, his hands on her shoulders guiding her around, keeping her in his shadow. They stood off to the side, watching all the other people, the normal people. She swayed absentmindedly to the music. She saw Miss. Carter glowering at them from across the town centre. She tugged on Simon’s hand. 

“Let’s find Johnny.” She turned in towards his chest, trying to push him away from the crowd. He nodded and took them towards the mulled wine stand. He got her a cup. 

Simon took Nina’s chin and tilted it upwards, pouring mulled wine into her mouth before licking any dribbled liquid away. 

“Let’s let Johnny find us.” He pulled his jacket around her, tucking her head under his chin. He was gone the next night - hunting again. 

The nights he spent hunting were the only ones he’d sleep in their bed. He’d crawl into bed with her and Johnny in the early morning, smelling of blood and old straw. He always shivered a bit, even though he tried to hide it. His hair was damp. He was spraying the blood off his skin in the stables and then trudging back with a cooler of meat to the house.

She started leaving clean clothes out on the tack bench for him. She’d wake up early just to make tea for him, setting it on the bedside table for him. Taking care of him and Johnny felt like half repayment and half an attempt to dispel them of any thought of leaving her. Any excitement for the holiday disappeared when she remembered New Years followed and after New Years they’d be deployed again. 

She wandered outside early one morning. An old wool coat over her nightgown, thick socks in old boots and pack of cigarettes in her pocket (stolen from Simon’s coat). She sat on the stone column wall that separated the patio and the rest of the garden. It was snowing softly. She alternated which hand she kept in her pocket and which one she held her cigarette. 

She heard Simon’s car pull around front. It wouldn’t be long before he found her. She should have brought out tea in a thermos. 

“S’too cold for you, love. Catch your death out here.” His hair was damp. He left the cooler by the door before approaching, making space for himself between her knees and pulling her coat tighter around her and the flimsy cotton nightgown she’d ventured out in. 

She pulled another cigarette out from the pack in her pocket, offering it to him. He took it between his lips and held her chin steady as he lit it from the end of her own. She took a drag, “Couldn’t sleep.” 

“What’s keeping you up, lovey?” 

Her eyes were unfocused, gazing towards something non existent behind him. She was picking at the skin around her nails, he laid his hand over hers. She looked up, locking eyes with him.

“I want you to touch me.”

He rubbed his hand over hers, “I am touching you.”

“Please Simon. I need to feel like I’m not broken.”

He dropped his cigarette and cupped her face between his hands, “Don’t say that. They did not break you.”

Her face crumpled up, her whole body shrinking down in his grasp.

“I don’t…I don’t want you two to leave.”

“We’re not leaving. Shhh…don’t cry, lovey. We don’t plan on leaving you.” He pulled her into his chest. 

“I don’t want to be alone. You’re the only people who understand.” He hushed her, stroking the back of her head. 

“We’re family. The three of us. It’ll always be us.” He took her cigarette from her and stubbed it out.

“Then touch me…I want to do it, the three of us. I can do it.” She pleaded.

He pressed his cheek against hers, his mouth against her ear. “I want to fuck you, Nina. I want you; willing and confident. I want to taste you, watch Johnny fuck you, keep you pressed between us. But I don’t want you to force yourself. I don’t want you out here, begging in the cold. Johnny and I will wait till you're ready. Truly ready. ”

She pulled away, cheeks red as she rubbed her tears away. “What if I’m never ready?”

“It wouldn’t change anything. You’re stuck with us, forever.” He kissed her cheek. “ You're cold. Get back to bed with Johnny. I’ll be there soon.”

“Can I wait for you?”

“Course.”

She sat on the top of the stairs as he went down to the cellar, listened to him unpack the cooler into the freezer. 

“We’ll need a second one soon.” He called up to her. 

“We have enough. You don’t have to work so hard. It’s dangerous to go out every night.” 

“Need to make sure you’re well fed while we’re gone.” He walked up the stairs till he could rest his chin on her knee. “Johnny’s promises are mine too.”

Simon got into bed first, Nina curled up to his side and he pulled Johnny into the other one. He was warm. 

It was the first time she’d worn makeup since Arthur. She had a new dress too, nothing fancy, plaid with ruffled straps. She’d kicked Simon and Johnny out of the kitchen. She wanted this meal to be special. She also didn’t know if Price would trust it if she wasn’t the one to make it. It was the only time she enjoyed cooking. It was a tradition started by her and Price, after her father and before Arthur.

“Got to let me do something, bonnie. Feeling useless out ‘ere.” Johnny stuck his head into the room. 

“Could you set the table?” He nodded with a grin, rushing in to grab the place settings. 

“Smells fantastic by the way.” He pecked her cheek.

She was very meticulous in laying out all the food. The two extra place settings allowed for a wider spread. She had Price at the head of the table, her on one side and Simon and Johnny on the other. This was the one night she liked using this room. Christmas Eve supper wouldn’t feel as special at the small table in the kitchen. She tried to push all the bad memories out. 

Dinners with all her father’s friends where the particularly disgusting ones would pinch the back of her thighs as she walked past. One of them had cornered her in the kitchen one night. Price walked in, thankfully. His rage wasn’t directed at her but it still frightened her. She didn’t remember that man’s name but she did recall hearing he fell out of a helicopter on his next deployment. Dead on impact.

She poured herself a glass of wine, drinking it down quickly. She was rageful in that moment. Her life picked and prodded at by the men in her life. Her desires used against her, never anything given, always taken. 

Here she was, finally with two men who understood her, respected her, might even love her and she struggled with their touch. Everything she wanted was just out of her grasp. 

“Price just texted saying he’s a couple minutes out…you alright, bonnie?” Johnny was frowning at her from the doorway. 

“I’m okay.” She wiped her tears away, careful of her makeup. He walked up to her, rubbing his hands up and down her arms. “Do I look okay?”

“You look beautiful.” He smiled. “Stay here for a minute. I’ll be right back.”

She nodded, feeling embarrassed. She hated crying in front of men, even if it was Johnny. 

He returned with Simon. Who was freshly shaved and his hair clipped short. He looked handsome. Johnny had resisted cutting his hair short, waiting till the last minute so his mohawk had grown out to be a patch of curly hair. 

“We have something for ya,” Johnny grinned, pulling a small wrapped box from behind his back. “I picked it out but it was mostly Simon’s idea.”

They went on either side of her as she unwrapped it. It was a little black cardboard box. She pulled the top off and it was a necklace with three little gems at the centre of the chain.

“Each one is supposed to be one of us. Sapphire for Simon, nacre for Nina and jade for Johnny.”

“You’ll always have us with you,” Simon said. Once upon a time, she hoped Arthur would surprise her with a ring. She liked this better. “I want to see it on you.”

Johnny held her hair up and Simon put it around her neck. 

“Beautiful.” Simon smiled, fixing the chain so the charms sat centre on her chest. 

She felt loved, fingers rubbing over the gems. Her boys - always with her. 

Dinner went smoothly. Price wouldn’t stop complimenting her and the food. She got him a first edition copy of a Georges Simenon mystery novel. He got her a John Le Carre novel. They always gifted each other books. Always had. He told embarrassing stories about Simon and Johnny from work. 

“Would have preferred if you took me up on my offer to set you up with Garrick,” he chuckled. “He’s a proper bloke. Better than this lot.”

“I like this lot.” 

“They’d get an earful if you didn’t.”

“They’re good to me.”

“Good.” He smiled.

She walked him out to his car while Simon and Johnny cleaned up.

“I’m proud of you, Nina. Truly. Despite everything you’ve grown into a wonderful young woman. I don’t understand everything about you and I don’t think I ever will but I’m happy you found those two. I want you to try to get out more. MacTavish for sure would jump at the chance to take you on a trip somewhere.” He hugged her. “Call me if you need anything, okay?”

“Thank you, John… I love you.”

“I love you, too, Nina.” He kissed her cheek as a final farewell.

They boys had packed everything away. 

“Meet me in the living room. I have gifts for the two of you.”

“Gifts are normally given in the morning, you know?” Simon said, sitting on the couch next to Johnny. 

“You guys gave me one already.”

“Aye, fair enough.”

She grabbed two gifts from under the tree. A bottle of bourbon for Simon and a set of new pencils for Johnny. 

“Thank you, lovey.”

Johnny got up to thank her but she motioned for him to sit back down.

“I have one more gift.”

“That so, bon?”

“It’s from me to me but I still need you two to help.” Simon raised an eyebrow and leaned back, waiting.

She took a deep breath. It would be okay. It would feel good. Their touch was always gentle. Johnny looked at her like she was something sacred. Simon - like he wanted nothing else in the world. Her choice. Her boys. Her body in their hands. A safe place. A home.

She pulled the straps of her dress down and off her shoulders till the whole garment fell to the floor. She resisted the urge to cover her bare breasts. 

They got up together. Johnny at her back and Simon at her front. He held her face like it was the only thing holding her up, kissing her greedily. 

“Promise me you’ll say if you want to stop.”

“I don’t want to-”

“Promise.”

“I promise.”

Johnny kissed down her shoulders and back till he was tugging her panties off. Simon followed suit down her chest and stomach till he was level with her centre. 

“Johnny hold her up,” He said, hiking one of her legs over his shoulder. Johnny stood and held her waist, keeping her steady. Simon stared up at her, “Look at me, Nina.”

She locked eyes with him as his tongue spread her open. She grabbed his shoulder and Johnny’s forearm. 

“Told him how you like it,” Johnny chuckled. She leaned her head back against his chest. He’d done a good job. Simon seemed to already know her. Rubbing her clit as he teased her entrance with her tongue, lapping up her wetness. Johnny rubbed circles on her hips. His cock was hard against her ass through his pants. 

Simon waited till she was a mewling mess before pushing a finger inside of her, curling it up to press against the spot inside her, trapping her nerves between his tongue and finger. 

“Gonna watch ya cum on his face.” Johnny said, kissing and sucking marks against her neck. His hand glided up her hip to her breast to massage it. 

It felt good. Better than good, incredible. She let herself melt between them. All the muscles in her body stretched out like a rubber band before snapping in a scream. Simon groaned loudly as she clenched around his fingers, his mouth moving wildly to cover as much of her as he could. 

They laid her on the floor, pillows under her head and hips. Johnny was licking Simon’s face clean. She was still coming down from her first orgasm as she watched them strip each other. Simon’s hard cock matched the rest of his stature. It made her stomach flip seeing him grind against Johnny’s. 

Simon broke their kiss to look at her, “I want to watch our boy fuck you. Is that okay, Nina?”

She nodded, holding out her arms for Johnny. He was on her in a moment. 

“Simon get you ready for me?” He cooed, peppering sloppy wet kisses across her jaw. “Tell me how badly you want me.”

“Please, please Johnny.” She wrapped her arms around his neck and spread her legs for him. Simon held one of her ankles and squeezed reassuringly.

His first thrust stole the air out of her lungs. The head of his cock bumping against that spot. Simon was guiding his hips. “There we go, find your rhythm, don’t leave her wanting. Good boy, Johnny.” 

Johnny always looked her in the eyes when they fucked. Sweaty foreheads rubbing against each other. He had beautiful blue eyes that made her feel so adored. Their noses clunked together as he panted. 

“Taking me so well. You feel so good, Neen. Wanna make you cum again. Can you cum again for me, bonnie?” He was drooling. Simon’s hand slid between them to rub her circles around her clit. 

“Where do you want him to cum, love? On your stomach?... Inside you?” Simon’s voice was deeper, more gravely. His eyes were darker. 

“Inside, please.” She had to know what it felt like. To be filled, to be claimed. She was their girl. She wanted it. She chose it. She wanted both of them. 

The room smelled of sex. Johnny was grunting with every thrust. It was wet and warm and wonderful. Her own slick was dripping down, splattering across her thighs. 

“Please, Johnny. I…I’m…I’m…” Her words got swallowed by another scream as she came again, clenching hard around him. Johnny moaned loudly, picking up his thrusts as he chased his own end. 

It was strange but not unwelcome. Johnny’s cock twitched inside her and she could feel warmth spreading throughout and seeping out where their bodies met. He gave her another kiss as he rolled off her, resting with their shoulders and thighs pressed against each other.

Simon knelt over both of them, hands rubbing thighs and stomachs and chests. 

“You both did so well.” His cock was red and dripping precum down the shaft. She reached out for him. He took her hand, kissing her knuckles. “You sure, love? You ready for me, pretty girl?”

“I want both of you. I want it. I want you, Simon.”

He hooked his arms under her armpits and pulled her up. His back against the couch and her straddling him. 

“I want you like this. Want to see your face.” He kissed over Johnny’s marks. Two fingers curled inside of her, scooping out Johnny’s spend. He beckoned the other man over and forced his fingers into his mouth. Johnny’s eyes rolled back as he sucked. “I want you to prep yourself for me. Our girl likes to watch us too.”

She turned red. 

“Think we couldn’t smell you?” He nipped her collarbone with a laugh. “Could smell your sex the whole walk back.” He licked up the column of her throat. “Been dreaming about this.”

She held onto his shoulders as she sank down on his cock. 

“Take it slowly,” he groaned, holding her hips. She did, moaning at every inch that she took inside her. Johnny rubbed her lower back. He had her take Johnny first for a reason. She tried to bury her face in his shoulder and his hand held the back of her head. “I want to look at you.”

He guided her hips, breathing with her till he bottomed out inside her, the head of his cock pressed against her cervix. Her thighs were shaking. 

“My good girl,” He kissed away the sweat droplets on her face. It was slow, him rocking up into her, watching every twitch of her face. Johnny was next to them, laying on his stomach as he stretched himself open on his own fingers. “Can you give me one more, love? Let me fill you up too?”

She nodded slowly. Her nerves felt on edge, sending off random signals to the rest of her twitchy body. Simon kept her clit between two of his fingers, rubbing back and forth. She was building back up, her stomach tightening again. Her limbs felt loose and jellied. 

She arched backwards, her chest pressing against him, Johnny had to stop to help Simon hold her up. She was shaky and whining as Simon pulled her flush against him. His last thrusts were harder, chasing after his pleasure. He growled as he came, his spend mixing with Johnny’s. He let her rest against his shoulder.

“Fuck…You did so well for us, love. How are you feeling?”

“Was it good for ya, bonnie?” 

She couldn’t form words, her mouth opened and closed with smiles and nods of her head. They both chuckled as Simon laid her back down on her pillows. 

“You still feel up to watch?” Simon pushed her hair back. She grinned up at him. “Let’s give her a show, Johnny.”

It was better up close. Simon had a hand around Johnny’s throat, not choking, just holding. His chest against Johnny’s back. The sound of skin slapping against skin and Johnny’s wanton moans. Simon grunted and growled. There was a new warmness inside her. Johnny was holding his cock, letting Simon’s thrust move him back and forth in his own grip. She reached between her legs and scooped up their mixed spend. 

“Oh fuck…Nina.” Johnny moaned, watching her clean her fingers. Simon smirked down at her, picking up his pace. It was salty but not unpleasant. She groaned around her digits. “Si, I’m close. Fuck… please.”

“You going to ruin our girl’s rug?”

“Si, please. I can’t-”

“Ask her where to cum.”

They both looked at her, Johnny pleadingly and Simon with a devilish smirk.

“In my mouth.” Johnny’s head flopped backwards against Simon. 

“C’mere, love.” Simon beckoned. She moved in front of Johnny. It didn’t matter she couldn’t remember the last time she’d done this. It mattered that it was Johnny and Simon. It was their first time. Her first time. Nothing else mattered. It was them, only them.

She opened her mouth and took the head of his cock, swirling her tongue around it. Johnny didn’t last. He came as she licked at his slit, filling her mouth. She looked up at him to watch him crumple. She swallowed him down and cleaned him. Simon grunted harshly and his thrusts stuttered out. 

“Mine,” he growled. “Both mine.”

The three of them collapsed onto the floor, Simon making his way to the middle, tucking them each under an arm. 

“Happy Christmas to us.” Johnny breathed. “I want a fucking cigarette and a glass of whiskey.”

“I have a gift for you first,” Simon said, sitting up. “For both of you but Johnny you’re first.”

“Aye?” He raised an eyebrow.

“I want you to bite me. Mark me. Nina beat me to marking you but… I’m ready. I want it.”

Johnny shot up. She could see the emotions run across his face: surprise, fear, excitement, love.

“Where do you want it?” He smiled. 

Simon stretched his back and arms before pointing towards his trapezius muscle, where his shoulder met his collarbone.

“Don’t get too deep. We ship out in a week.” He turned back to pull her up next to him. “I want you to do the other side. If she gets a necklace, I want this.” 

Johnny grabbed disinfectant and bandages. 

“You sure, Si.”

“More than anything, Johnny.”

Nina held his other arm, both her hands fitting into his one. He squeezed tightly as Johnny bit down on him. He breathed hard through his teeth. She watched his cock twitch as blood ran down his chest. Johnny pulled back, red lipped. 

They cleaned up the bite before Nina went. Johnny held her hair out of the way.

“Right here, love.”

He and Johnny were the only people she ever met that didn’t smell like food. Though her mouth had never watered more than right before she sank her teeth into Simon. Johnny moaned behind her. Simon’s hand rested on the back of her head. 

“Good girl,” he breathed. She pulled away and was immediately pulled into a kiss by Johnny. It was the second time she’d tasted both of them at once. This one was sweeter. 

“Me next.” Johnny laughed. “Thinkin of havin ya take a chunk outta my arse.”

“Price won’t grant you leave again, even if you can’t sit down.”

“Here then.” He patted his upper arm, “I’ll have you and Nina on the same arm.”

Nina wiped it off with disinfectant.

“Thank you, nurse.” He tapped her nose playfully. He leaned close, “If you want one too, you can.”

“I don’t know where I want it.” She wanted it to be somewhere she could always feel them but nowhere Price could see. A secret for the three of them. 

“You have time to think. We won’t rush.”

“I wouldn’t mind biting your arse-fuck me!” Simon bit down on Johnny’s arm, his eyes rolling back as blood filled his mouth. 

Johnny panted as Simon cleaned up the wound. Nina cleaned up Simon’s face. 

They laid on the floor, Simon pulling a blanket off the couch to cover them up. Nina was spread out over top of them. They were tangled together, not sure which limb belonged to who. 

“I love both of ya,” Johnny said, squeezing each of their hands. “So much actually.”

She’d heard it before from others but it didn’t matter because it didn’t come from either of them before so it was the first time it mattered.

“I love you, Johnny. I love you, Simon.”

“I love you, Nina. I love you, Johnny.”

Tag list: @gogh-with-the-flow @queen-ilmaree @cathnoneofyourbusiness @pssytrux

[ell0ra-br3kk3r-writes]

The Phoenix and the Crow

part eleven

pairing: (hinted) kaz brekker x fem!reader

genre: netural

el's thoughts: this was the hardest part to write... and the shortest haha but it's here and done so there ya go. please remember to comment and reblog :)

masterlist

The wind made Y/N’s hair dance wildly around her as she leaned her hip against the side of the ship. She had heard all about the uprising privateer’s flying ship but had never got the chance to be abroad. Her eyes closed as she relaxed at the feeling of the cold wind around her. She felt free and untethered while in the air, the same feeling she had felt the first time she rode her horse across the palace grounds. 

She circled around to look across the deck of the ship, mentally doing a head count of everyone on board. Nina stood beside Inej listening to whatever the suli spoke of with much interest. Jesper and Wylan were glued to each other's sides while they looked out at the water, pointing every once in a while to a fish they saw. Toyla stood at the wheel while Zoya paced the quarter-deck before waving her hands every so often to push the ship a bit faster. Kaz sat on the steps up to the quarter-deck with his leg stretched out in front of him, they made eye contact for a moment before Y/N smiled gently and looked away.

“Catch me!” The small voice was heard over the strong autumn winds that blew around them as the young child threw themselves into Y/N’s arms. She laughed and spun her brother around the best a ten-year-old could do to a six-year-old. 

“Oooh a stowaway on my ship?” She bounced him onto her hip to keep him up. He shook his head fervently as peels of laughter fell from his small pink lips. “You know what I do to stowaways?” She spoke in a loud voice making it deeper to fit the character she acted out. The little boy laughed louder, “No! No! Please!” 

“I’m sorry, young man, but it must be done!” She giggled as she tossed him into the giant pile of leaves their father gathered that morning. They both laughed louder as she threw herself down next to him.

The familiar clicking of a cane sounded from behind her and dragged her out of her memory. She didn’t need to turn around to feel him stand behind her. 

“You look better.” His voice was clipped but still seemed kind. Kind enough when coming from the bastard of the barrel that is. 

She scoffed, “What did I look bad before?”

Kaz shrugged, and the corner of his lips quirked upward. “You look healthy.”

She turned bashful now knowing the fact that he noticed her lack of strength the last few days. “I feel better… Must’ve been the hallucination, honestly.” 

“What did your toxin trip reveal to you?” He leaned closer on his cane, hardly noticeable but her sharp eyes caught it—the curiosity in his eyes. The same tiny spark of hope that she felt in her chest reflected in his eyes. But before she could give in and tell him what she saw in the hallucinations the Darkling’s voice echoed in her mind again. And instead of sharing and being open, taking the same step he did, the words that tumbled out of her mouth were the words that had been repeated to her all throughout her years at the Little Palace. 

“Hope is dangerous. Clouds your judgment.”

She didn’t tell him what she saw, how could she? She hardly knows this man despite the fact that her brain thought otherwise. She knows more about him than he knows of her. She’s pieced together some of his past and her heart ached for him. Life wasn’t fair and it was obvious in both of their lives. 

Y/N turned to look up at him as he leaned on the railing beside her. The need to tell him had come back and only grew stronger when she noticed the same curiosity across his face. “The Darkling. That’s who I saw.” It wouldn’t hurt to share some of it. “Reminding me of everything I could never have despite my childish wishes and dreams.” 

“From where we stood it looked like he reminded you just how powerful you are as well.”

She shook her head, “He reminded me of the monster he made me.”

“The Phoenix is hardly viewed as a monster. From what I’ve heard you’re just as much a Saint as the sun summoner. The most powerful inferni to walk the earth.” Kaz didn’t look at her as he spoke, only kept his eyes trained on the sea below them, his voice was almost teasing.

“Yeah, but I don’t want to be known as powerful because of my gift or- or because of the Darkling, or because of fear. I… I want to be powerful because I moved forward despite the odds. If people were to fear me, I want them to fear the name I built for myself.” She squeezed the rail under her hand. “I envy you for that reason… if I were to speak honestly.”

This caused him to look down at her, confusion swam in his eyes.

“You created a name for yourself, a name that brings people to their knees.” The pair smirked at the memory of the Dime Lions’ gambling den. “Literally.” 

A warm feeling grew in Y/N’s chest at the easiness of the conversation. There was nothing strange or awkward about talking to him, she felt like she could tell him anything even though she knew it was best not to. She wondered if he felt the same ease of the conversation or if it was all just in her head, but from the look in his eyes and his relaxed shoulders, it was safe to assume he felt it. 

“It’s fake.” A dark look flashed over Kaz’s face as the words fell from his lips. “My name, it’s fake.”

Y/N only nodded, moving so her back was against the handrail. “Kaz is a fake name?”

“Brekker.” His eyes met her’s for a moment before looking away. “Brekker is a fake name.”

She hummed, “We all do things for reasons only we know.” Twisting her fingers around each other, she sighed. “There are plenty of things I’ve done that if I had taken the time to actually think it through… I wouldn’t have made those choices, but in the end I’m standing here today and I wouldn’t be if I hadn’t made thoes choices. So, I wouldn’t change anything.”

“I wouldn’t-” Kaz was interrupted by Toyla shouting that they made it. Inej, Nina and Zoya all walked to one side, waiting for Y/N. 

The inferni gave Kaz a tight smile, “Well, I’m off.” She pulled her shoulders back as she walked to where the other girls stood waiting. 

Kaz watched in astonishment as the girl with whom he had just carried an intimate conversation with slipped back into the formal behavior that came with being a soldier. It was as if she had put back on a stoic and formal front, slipping back into her all too familiar mask. It was as if Y/N had only allowed herself a short break from such a pretense for those few private moments with him.

~*~*~*~

taglist:@rachelcarroll1819 @xcharlottemikaelsonx @khaleesihavilliard @simrah1012 @foulkryptonitepeanut @astridyoo15 @queenofshinigamis @peakyispunk @jahayla-parker @maliciousbrekker @brekkershadowsinger @winstonthecow22 @lee-says-things @bunneex @writingmysanity @sleepynightchild @madnessinwrighting @romanticvampire

[crushedsweets]

I am so curious as to what you'd think about Nina and Hoodie as a duo. They've been two of my absolute favorites (even if Brian technically isn't even a creepypasta) since I was younger and I've always loved them as a sort of big brother/little sister pairing. They are so siblings to me I adore them. What are your thoughts on the sillies..

OHHH this is actually super interesting... but also im worried i do not have a lot to say because they won't mesh very well/very much. but i will try. not super realistic headcanons i think but what do i know... <3

brian isnt very present in my story, partially bc ik some mh fans dont like the crossover very much. and by time ninas in the story, i want him+tim to kinda separate from slenderman as toby and kate take over. he's still involved and coming around since he gets horrible slender sickness(but its from the operator) if he's away too long, but he doesn't live near or befriend most of the main cast..

nina is very present in my story because i love her and she is such a good and fun representation of the fandom yk. but brian is much more realistic and late 30s man, while nina is a very cartoonish early 20s girl. theyre on very different fields character and life wise...

BUUUUUUUUUT they would still meet of course.

she'd be bubbling around the entire cast, meeting people through jeff. people initially think she's in the same vein as jeff, natalie, and toby, with a LONG list of blood on their hands influenced by the operator, so they just don't think much about it. theyre mostly surprised by how cheery she is, but the proxies are the first to find out she's just... obsessed with jeff..... so thats very off putting. brian isn't fond of it.

nina would develop some light slender sickness(again, from the operator) just by being around jeff all the time, but the operator never infected her because he didn't see her as a worthy vessel. so, she would have to come to the proxies about it. if toby isnt in the mood or busy, she'd just have to hope brian/tim are around with some pills that'll soothe the pain

brian is more likely to help. with nina, he'd be quick to take on a more protective role, trying to console her as she cries on the couch holding her head whining about static.

initial convos would go smth along the lines of "do you want some coffee ? or uh kids like hot chocolate huh... maybe tea" "i'm literally in my 20s please tell me toby has weed somewhere" "that does not help with this pain i promise" "how would you know" "haha. water it is."

brian was a major stoner back in his early 20s and nina thinks its fucking hilarious. . . she'll try to get him to smoke with her but he's rlly not interested LOLLLL.... hes like 15 yrs older than her he thinks its weird .

again, he's not around a lot, but she's always happy to bump into him. she'd be squealing n shit 'HIII BRIANNNN how r u :3' and he'd just be like :) hey nina. and then never answer the 'how r u' bc he doesnt actually wanna sit and talk .

its a good change of pace. he's been through hell and back for well over a decade by this point, everyone around him is a sad sack of shit, and he spent a long time just. fighting to be an optimistic, cool guy to hang around . . but .... like.... um..... its hard to be that kind of person after all he's been thru. something about nina just forces that sort of like..... glee out of him . its not a huge difference where he's suddenly bouncing and giggling and whatever, he's still just Some Guy. but he'll be like :) lol .

mayhaps he'd catch her trying on toby's goggles and he'd offer to let her try on his mask. but nina would fake gag and be like 'no i dont want that dirty musty nasty sack on my head' and he'd be like ?????. then he'd say she can wash it and then try it on. which.. as an older sibling.... is the type of shit i'd do just to get my sister to do smth for me that i dont wanna do LMFAOOO. she might fall for it just cuz my dear nina is the ultimate fangirl

i dunno i kinda struggled with this one just cuz in my au, they wouldnt be all that close and the Type of characters they are don't mesh very well, but i am super fond of the concept and would love to try expanding on it more

[amaretigris]

Hi it's Nina :)

Thankyou so much for my request, I really liked it. Would you consider a part two, or making it into a series please

Hi sweets! 🥰 Yay, so glad you liked it 💖 Here's a part 2 about their reconnection. I have a plan for a part 3 to wrap it up. Enjoy 😘

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Crater, Part 2

Taglist: @luna2034 @hopeisrising @notagreekgal28 @mylittlemermaid221 @daydreamerwithnohobbies @freyagallileaevans @justagirlthatlovedtoread

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1.6k words | Fluff & smut | WARNING: EXPLICIT

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"If you say yes, I will not rest until you know how deep my love is. It's only grown in strength and voracity over the years. It all came to a precipice when you ran into me on your first day."

Searching Jonah's blue eyes for any ounce of hesitation, you found none; only an inviting openness. Jonah attempted to pull you further into his chest, like he couldn't get you close enough. You sighed contentedly. You still loved the man - you couldn't deny that. Seeing him again had only unearthed the feelings you so desperately tried to bury long ago. With your cheek pressed to his chest, you sighed again.

"How about lunch first?"

Jonah chuckled. He obviously wasn't expecting that answer.

"Anything for you, love. Let's grab your things. I know the perfect spot."

You smiled and reluctantly left Jonah's warm embrace to collect your coffee. Jonah picked up your camera bag, meeting your eyes with a smile. You walked in silence to your cars. After you opened your door to tuck your coffee and camera bag safely in, you turned back to face Jonah. He had a different look in his eye now, almost predatory. He took a step and a half forward, pushing your back against your car. His arms came up on either side of your head, caging you in.

"I can hardly contain myself around you anymore, (Y/N). The things you do to me."

You charted his hungry eyes, and looked down to his lips. Jonah saw his opportunity, and went for your mouth. This kiss was different than the ones you'd allowed since the two of you started hooking up again. This wasn't a brief peck. No, this was the kind of kiss that you sunk into. The kind that you lost yourself in. Your knees wobbled beneath you, but Jonah held you steady at your hip. When did his hand get there? The ravenous kiss reflected both of your unfed desires. It was like the two of you had been starving up until this very moment. It lasted for what seemed like an eternity, but in reality, had only been a handful of minutes. You had to pull away for air, and Jonah chased your lips, but let you breathe.

"Fuck, I missed that," he connected his forehead with yours, watching you gulp in precious oxygen.

The corner of your lips lifted.

"Me too," you admitted.

"Let's go to lunch. I'm famished now," you smiled at the double meaning.

Jonah's blue orbs playfully bounced between your (e/c) ones.

"Talk about famished. I have to push down this boner."

He observed you excitedly look down at the tent in his pants. Everything about you was perfect, he decided.

"Follow me to the restaurant," Jonah ceded, pushing off of your car to turn around.

He looked back to laugh at your unmasked pout. He would feed you, talk to you, answer any questions you may still have. But after work, he would pound you like there was no tomorrow.

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At the casual cafe Jonah brought you to for lunch, the two of you talked over your sandwiches and tea.

"Do we need a fallback plan?"

You wrung your hands nervously. Jonah set his tea down to cover your hands with his own. He brought them to his lips, tenderly kissing your knuckles.

"Listen to me, (Y/N). I'm aware that it's in your nature to plan ahead, and to map out worse-case scenarios, but I'm all in. One hundred percent. I have no backup plan. I've had plenty of time to imagine every possible end to this, and I'd be damn grateful for any one of them. Try to relax, as best you can, and let things flow. I'll take care of the rest."

You knew your face was beet red by now. You nodded, biting your lip.

"What will we tell everyone at the office?"

Jonah gently set your hands back on the table, and shrugged.

"Whatever we want, I suppose. Or nothing. We could tell them nothing. People are nosy, and tend to ruin things."

You nodded again, weighing your options.

"You're right. We could still act normal towards one another in the office. We can do that, right? You bent me over my desk, for god sakes. We should be fine," you waved your hand.

You didn't know who you were trying to convince: Jonah or yourself. You were nervous. Somehow, this felt much more intimate than allowing Jonah access to your body again.

"It's fine, sweetheart. We got this," Jonah's dimples came out to calm you.

He rubbed his thumb over your knuckles soothingly. You nodded in determination. You could do this.

Finishing your lunch, you and Jonah parted ways again to head back to the office. He gave you a brisk kiss before he left. You whined at the minimal contact.

"Don't worry, I'll reward you later," Jonah whispered in your ear before walking to his car.

You watched his back, gulping down the tension in your throat. Shit. You were doomed.

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Tonight was the first night that Jonah was visiting your apartment.

"As much as I love to take you in your office, we need more space and privacy for tonight. Besides, you'll be exhausted afterwards," Jonah had teased you after lunch.

You rushed home from work to hop in a quick shower, lathering up your silky body wash. This was his favorite scent. You knew that from years ago. You had just started toweling yourself off when you heard a knock at your door. Rushing out of the bathroom, you ran to your dresser for clothes, but stopped. What was the point, really? Deciding to answer the door with only your towel draped around your naked body, you stood on the other side of the door to wrench it open.

"I stopped to get your favorite. Gummy candy, popcorn, and an Icee. I figured we could watch a movie," Jonah stepped into your apartment, focused on what he had in his hands.

It wasn't until you closed the door, and he turned around that he took in your current state. He almost dropped what he was carrying, fumbling to set it on your bar instead. He clumsily yanked his shoes off, and closed the distance between you. His hands smoothed up your arms, and came to cup your cheeks. Jonah bent closer, and took a good sniff, right by your ear.

"Look at you, so ready for me. You even remembered my favorite body wash. You're too good to be true," Jonah cooed.

He looked around the space for your couch while simultaneously stripping himself of his shirt and pants. Shaking his head, Jonah looked back to you.

"I want to take you in your bed," Jonah explained.

You nodded, and grabbed his hand to lead him down the hallway. Halfway to your bedroom, you let your towel fall to the floor. You heard Jonah groan. Smirking, you only made it to your bedroom doorway before he spun you around, and picked you up. Jonah hooked your legs around his waist, eagerly pressing his mouth to yours. He walked across the room to your bed, setting you down, and climbing on top.

"You're finally mine again, (Y/N); to cherish, and to fuck senseless. I'll make you come apart so many times tonight. Good girls get rewarded, after all. I only have one request," Jonah pushed his boxers down, kicking them the rest of the way off.

He grabbed your chin to draw your eyes back to his.

"I want you to say my name every time you cum. Can you do that for me?"

You vehemently nodded.

"Good girl," Jonah kissed you.

He then peeled his lips back enough to mutter, "I hope you're ready," before ravaging your mouth again, and slamming into you. Not long after, you were already singing his name.

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Your abandoned Icee was partially melted by the time Jonah brought it to you from the bar.

"I'm sorry, love. I should've put it in the fridge," Jonah sulked.

You grabbed his shoulders, and pulled him back down beside you.

"It's okay. I got something much more delicious," you hinted.

Jonah had worked you to six explosive releases. You really couldn't complain.

"But thank you for the snacks. You remembered my favorites," you cheesed up at him as he settled beside you in bed.

He kissed the crown of your head.

"Of course. What do you want to watch?"

The two of you settled on a light-hearted comedy movie. Snuggling into Jonah, you shared your popcorn with him, and occasionally urged small gummies into his mouth. It was just like old times. The nostalgic feel tugged at your heart strings.

"Is it too early to say it again?"

You cautiously asked. Jonah met your eyes, and instantly knew what you meant. He shook his head.

"No, (Y/N). I must've said it to you twenty times this morning. If you feel it, I want you to voice it," he encouraged.

You took a shallow breath.

"I love you," you admitted before your nerves stopped you.

"I love you, Jonah," you repeated.

"I've always loved you," you buried your face into his chest.

Jonah's body instinctually wrapped around yours. He cradled you to his chest. His heart hadn't felt this full in years. It could almost burst.

"I love you too, (Y/N). Always," he whispered, peppering kisses along your cheekbone.

You slept more peacefully that night than you had in years. Four years, to be exact.

[vagueandominousvibes]

You got your hopes too high. I can't write to save the LIFE of me, and I'm running away from actually drawing my designs (I have like 20 different AUs in my head someone kill me)

Who am I to judge? I've got a dozen AUs I keep jumping between, half of which are on Ao3, the other half sitting in my folders and occasionally making it to Discord. And if you don't mind me getting serious for a moment, I think that's perfectly normal; ideas come and go, and even if we end up not progressing with one particular idea, the fact that it's been shared means someone else can grab it and create something completely different. It's creative recycling, and maybe you'll come back to it one day and realise that "oh, this fits perfectly with this other thing I'm doing now!"

A couple of months ago, my fiancé shared a text with me that he'd written, which describes an island in a Warhammer-Old-World-based world. (He's an avid collector and is very excited about the more recent dragon models.) I don't know if he's done anything with that text yet, beyond turning it over in his head, but the absolute beauty he described hurled me head-first into a Four Swords AU I've called the Dragon Lords AU. I've got over 6,000 words, I started learning Ehenihv (a Gerudo conlang created by Nina-Kristine Johnson in 2004)—and although I keep thinking about it, I've not touched it for a solid month now.

I want to finish it, the way I want to finish all of my Four Swords AUs: I really love the concept, the story, the characters, the relationships and interactions—and I could probably write it like I wrote the PJO AU, meaning quickly, in a two-week writing frenzy, but the Dragon Lords AU is a huge, slow story that spans months, if not years, and I need time to do that justice.

Sure, there's real life stuff going on that means I also have less time to write (family, job applications, new part-time job, online events, managing a zine—you get the gist), but the point (which I acknowledge has somewhat escaped me here) is that it's alright to bounce from one idea to the next. Maybe one day I'll go on a writing retreat and get some of these actually completed. Gods know it's not going to happen with family around.

Anyways!! Wanna talk about your other AUs? :D

[the-s1lly-corner]

I like your ej meeting Lj can I get more creepypasta dynamics

More Creepypasta Dynamics and Relationships

Heads up that this HEAVILY unhinges off of my au/hcs so uhuh! I'm not entirely sure how much of this lines up with the current fanon interpretations since admittedly I hardly interact with the fandom outside of my own stuff 😭😭 gotta change that theres so many talented artists and writers

Getting the big nasty out of the way, Zalgo! Technically connected to everyone! I talk more in depth about him, you can find that post in the creepypasta Masterlist! Might be the first one.. but run down is that hes a weird force/piece of nature/way of the universe and is responsible for the creation of monster characters as well as the means for human characters becoming something else (ex. EJ becoming a monster, Ben coming back from the dead). Human characters that remain human can sometimes become what they did (a killer or otherwise a figurative monster) after coming into contact with zalgo, usually unknowingly or indirectly..

He is quite literally their maker more or less, sent out to cause problems in the world

I would assume many different characters would have different thoughts and relationships with Zalgo, even if they can't directly make contact with him. Zalgo bounces between being tangible and not

Eyeless Jack, for example, doesnt know who or what Zalgo is and the name doesnt ring a bell; having been corrupted through a creation of zalgo rather than zalgo itself. Slenderman on the other hand actively resents zalgo for giving him sentience and a human-like conscious.

Jeff and Ben are best friends, it'd be criminal for them to be otherwise. My take on ben is that hes confined to electronics majority of the time. Jeff Carries him around in a phone, or maybe a DS.. I keep switching between both.. maybe originally a DS but made the switch. Jeff met Ben not long after he mvrdered his and Jane's families. Though there is now a rift in their friendship, mostly due to Jeff still being human and is now a grown adult, they still care deeply about each other. More like a sibling bond as Jeff got older

Bringing up Masky and Hoodie! I tried blending them, eith the crp version and their mh source since I love both versions. They lean more towards the crp take, though, given that's what I grew up with.. finding a balance is a bit hard... moving on, they aren't that close actually. Sure they are still proxies in this au, hence the more crp leaning comment, but they aren't.. friends. They hardly tolerate each other in most scenarios, actually. On the flip side, Tim and Brian still exist and have their own lives, whether or not they're fully aware of the fact they're being sort of puppeteered by outside forces is up in the air.. they're still fairly close in contrast to masky and hoodie!

Staying true with the older fandom, tiby and masky antaogize each other. Usually its toby getting onto masky, though. Hoodie and toby have a rather decent relationship, oddly enough. They aren't buddy buddy, but they are civil with each other. Could be that hoodie is no bullshit + doesnt give toby a reaction when he DOES do something to him

Jane and Jeff still hate each other, with Jane actively trying to hunt Jeff down and get revenge for everything. Jane is the only character (with the exception of tim and brian) who has a job and still interacts with society. I had an idea that she and laughing jill team up (to parallel jeff and Ben's dynamic).. though I might scrap that or swap jill out with someone else.. shrugs

Then theres nina! I hc that her and eyeless jack are close friends. No reason behind that other than "their energies contrast each other. Ej is tired and reserved, nina is energetic and gossipy/chatty" and their visual aesthetics contrasting (dark and mostly grey against bright and multicolored).. though I'm still trying to find a way how they'd meet in universe

Nina is also friends with jeff and has a sibling like bond with ben as well. I think she'd still have her crush on jeff, although I'm bouncing between it being faded or just as strong as it was before.. I mentioned I kind of want them to have a tiffany/chucky dynamic but I need to rewatch the child's play movies to get the dynamic for nina and Jeff right 😭😭

Ooooooohhoho still on the nina thought train but her and Jane would have so much beef. Jane hates nina with her entire being for being so buddy buddy with jeff.. whereas nina just treats their rivalry like it's some high school drama, totally unserious

[sissytobitch10seconds]

Like Mother, Like Son

Fandom: Grishaverse: Six of Crows Summary: Jesper's heat came and went like all the others had. He built up the nest, spent a week being sated and cared for by his partners, and then washed all their linens to put them away. Something should have come after and distinctly hadn't, yet. Warnings: Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, pregnancy, childbirth, canon-typical mentions of slavery, implied breeding kink Word Count: 26,666 Ship(s): Jesper Fahey/Kaz Brekker/Nina Zenik/Wylan Van Eck/Inej Ghafa/Matthias Helvar

Archive link!

A/N: It's been a very long time since I wrote a oneshot as long as this one and I'm very happy with how this turned out! I hope that you guys enjoying reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. I know ABO dynamics and mpreg aren't very popular within the grishaverse but they're kind of a staple of my autism so I had to write some of them, haha. Stay sissy and bitchy everyone &lt;3

He was sure that the side of his finger was going to start bleeding any second now because of how often he had been chewing on it. It was better than worrying his lip between his teeth because that was more noticeable to his partners, which he didn’t really want it to be yet. Still, it hurt more than anything had in a long time. Short persistent pain was worse than getting shot since at least adrenaline came with the hot white burst.

Jesper had gotten a lot better at telling his partners when he was worried about something than he had been when their pack first formed. It had taken a lot of work on his part to be able to bare his soul to them like they required, but he had loved them so much that it wasn’t like he was doing it for nothing. He usually came to them when he was feeling down about himself or insecure that they were going to reject him from their mating mark if not their pack entirely. They were all so kind and compassionate to him when he did that, rewarding his vulnerability with the comfort that he needed. Even Kaz was able to get into Jesper’s head and pick apart the thoughts that were threatening to consume him.

This wasn’t something that Jesper felt like he could come to them about because he was barely able to wrap his own mind around it. That should have been exactly the reason that he went to them, so that he could talk out loud and have another opinion to bounce off of, but he couldn’t. It was too personal and too scary for him to say out loud and that was a crucial part of being able to work through an issue.

It was nearing the end of spring, the heat of summer already sinking into the humid streets of Ketterdam. That meant that it was edging out of estrus season, so it wasn’t that uncommon for members of the Dregs to be locked away in their rooms when they were supposed to be working so they could outlast the natural hormonal flux all alphas and omegas went through. Betas clogged the street this time of year, all of them doing work in the place of their friends who had been incapacitated by estrus or taking advantage of the lack of alphas.

The Crows weren’t able to escape that fundamental part of their biology either. Kaz and Matthias’ ruts had both synced up with Wylan and Jesper’s heats since they were all mated to each other. It had happened the second year that they had been together as a mated pack, which made the experience so much more pleasant than it had been the first year when Matthias was gone on a mission and it left Nina and Kaz trying to keep two omegas in heat satisfied.

When the estrus had taken over the members of the mate-pack that year, their fourth year sharing their estrus with each other and their fifth being mated, they had done what had become habit. Wylan and Jesper had spent the entire day in nothing but their smalls while running after their partners to get their scents on certain fabric so that they could build up their nest. That, of course, meant that Matthias spent the day hovering outside of their group bedroom while preparing to help them however they needed and Kaz spent it brooding in his office.

They had spent the next three days boarded up in their master bedroom while fucking the brains out of each other. They used cold spells to wash themselves of the sweat and cum and spit that they were covered in, while Inej and Nina took care of all of the business down in the club that couldn’t wait. The estrus had passed and they were once again free to go back to the way that things had been before. He and Wylan taken down their nest and washed all of the sex scent out of them before returning the linens to where they belonged in the closet. It was like it had never happened by the time that the two of them had finished.

But things didn’t return back to normal for everyone in their pack. Jesper was usually so lost in his own thoughts and fantasies that he barely noticed when things had changed, especially with his own body, until it was slapping him in the face. This time was so, so different because if it was true then it brought a whole host of other issues that he was going to have to deal with.

He noticed that he had been more tired than he should have been. It had been years and years since he had stayed up night after night with shitty jurda imported from the cheap sellers in his home country, but he was still able to go with five or six hours of sleep and be fine. Now it felt like his body was constantly trying to drag him back down into sleep even when he gave it upwards of ten hours. Sometimes he wasn’t even tired in the way that sleep would cure, but exhausted down to his bones and unable to do anything about it.

He had also noticed his appetite changing. Some days all he wanted to do was eat, and he indulged himself in the snacks that Nina kept in her rooms, but other days the idea of food actually made him vomit.

The vomiting and one other thing had been his biggest clue. The first time it had happened he had called it a fluke, simply pushing it away that he had caught a bug or something, despite the fact that zowa weren’t meant to get sick. Then he realized that his nausea was coming without any cramps or pains or blood, and then he realized just how long it had been since he had last bled.

He had been mostly aware of all of the small changes in his body, but realizing that he had gone three months without his post-heat cycle or any other cycle was so terrifying that it actually made him cry. 

It brought about a sense of panic that he hadn’t encountered in a very long time. There was the initial thrill of adrenaline like there always was when he was about to get into something possibly dangerous, but then it settled low in his chest and stomach. The nausea immediately increased when the anxious flutters began to shoot through his body, his mind whirling to try and figure out what it might mean.

The answer was staring him in the face the entire time that he dragged his exhausted body through the streets of the Barrel to a more respectable part of Ketterdam. He had enough Kruge in his pocket to buy himself an appointment with the heartrender apothecary worker that Kaz used for all of their business. He was someone that wouldn’t say anything about his condition if it turned out to be true, both to the general public and to his mate-pack.

No one paid him any mind as he wove through the throng of people trying to go about their business. He opened up the door to the apothecary and then slipped in without being noticed. He rang the bell on the front of the counter, trying to plaster a smirk onto his face so that he didn’t look as nervous as he felt inside.

The front of the shop was just as he remembered it. The dark wood made up the floor and the counter. The walls were plastered with beautiful green wallpaper that had multicolored flowers in stripes to bring some brightness to the space. There was a counter where the register was kept for working, glass on the top to allow people to see in to some of the snake oils that were offering their products. Behind the counter, in huge shelves stocked full, were different compounds and drugs that people could immediately buy for everyday ailments. There were also a couple of bundles of herbs, hung upside down along the door and windows so that they could dry out properly before they were used.

A few minutes later, the heartrender that Jesper had come to see walked out from the back of the shop. James was a little shorter than Jesper with salt and pepper black hair, though is face was completely shaved. He was wearing the a blue apron with the logo of his shop on the front, but his shirt underneath was a stained-yellow garment from hours working with boiling liquids. The two of them had known each other since Jesper had come to Ketterdam. He had used a good deal of the money he had been sent with for room and board to get a special medication that would help cloak his scent and dampen his heat. He had come back a couple of times since then, usually for weak birth control when he was on a mission or to get something healed that Nina was unable to. Kaz had only started to work with James when he noticed his then courting partner’s behaviors. 

“You know the standard procedure,” James said as he gestured his hand over towards the door.

Jesper pushed himself off of the counter and then carefully ducked through the curtain that was separating the back space from the main work area. James had kept his Grisha abilities a relative secret so avoid being taken by slavers, but it was known that he was a person that people could go to if they needed discreet medical care.

The back space of the shop was much like the front had been. The dark wood of the floor continued, but also carried up the walls in thick beams that were hidden by plaster in the front. The walls, other than the beams, were painted a lovely blue color that immediately made Jesper relax. It was a color that he recognized from the skies back home, which was very likely something he was going to see again in person if it turned out that what he suspected as true. Before the thoughts could consume him again, he got up onto the counter that was used as an examination table. It had a thick white sheet on it, which was likely changed in between every patient that came in since James also dealt with sexually transmitted diseases. The exam table was hidden back behind the rest of the tables with a variation of ordered drugs and herbs that were being prepared.

“What are you in for today?” James asked as he walked over to the omega with those dark, boring eyes of his.

Jesper felt a little like he was on display, which wasn’t something that he minded when he was wrapped in the arms of one of his partners, but it almost made his skin crawl on the examination table. He tried to look nonchalant as he stretched his arm up behind his head to cushion his skull and then finally answered, “I needed you to check for pregnancy.”

Saying it out loud made it all the more real, but he didn’t have much time to think about it because James immediately began to move around. “It’s ging to be easiest to sense something if you lift up your shirt. Are you comfortable with that?” James asked.

A shiver of nervousness echoed through his system again. He nodded and then sat up so that he could undo his shirt. His vest was pushed back with his overcoat and then his shirt was pulled out of his pants and joined the folds of fabric. He sat back the way he had been before and stared up at the ceiling.

James’ hands pressed onto the lower part of his stomach. He felt a rush of something blow through the areas where James was holding, the same way that it felt when Nina had tried to heal him after he had been injured during a job. He whimpered slightly when he felt a shock of pain echo through his hips. “Are you alright?” James asked.

“Yes, it just hurt a bit,” Jesper replied. The examination resumed and James pressed the palm of his hand into the place over Jesper’s uterus before he let out a small hum and pulled back. Another spike of panic began to grow in his chest as he sat up. He focused mostly on doing up the buttons of his shirt and vest so that his clothes were properly back in place as he asked, “So? What’s the consensus, doc?”

“Well, based on the fact that it hurt, I felt something inside of your uterus with both my abilities and my palpitation, I would say that you are. What reasons did you think that you were pregnant?” James asked. 

“I haven’t had my post-heat period but I had my heat several months ago. I’ve also been vomiting when I smell certain things and been more tired than usual,” Jesper explained. When he said all of the things out loud, it made it sound like there was no other option that it could have been.

James nodded. “You’re definitely pregnant. What is the next course of action that you want to take?”

The omega glanced up for a moment as he watched James toying with a bit of Queen Anne’s Lace, which was commonly used in abortion medications. He took in a sharp breath as his entire being was overcome with a sense of wrongness. He had never really thought about the fact that he might have wanted children, even after he was mated. The idea of aborting the baby he now knew was growing inside of him made him feel even more panicked than the idea of a baby in general. It was going to be very complicated, his next couple of steps forward, but he was willing to face that if it meant he got to bring his pup into the world.

“You don’t have any scent replacers, do you?” he asked. It was something that was very common back in Novyi Zem, a certain set of herbs that grew in their naturally warm climate could be compounded together to lessen the symptoms of scent sickness in people, but it was particularly important for expectant parents.

James shook his head. “They’re very hard to get in Ketterdam because of how necessary they are in Ravka. I take it that you don’t want an abortion tonic, then?”

The omega jumped off of the counter as he finished fussing with his clothes so that they were properly situated on his body. “No, thank you,” he shook his head. He got the bag containing the kruge out of his pocket and then handed it over to the beta. “Don’t tell anyone, even if my mates come asking about me or our visit.”

“You know that I wouldn’t,” he replied curtly. James never meant to be offensive or hurtful, but he also didn’t like wasting time on pleasantries. The omega liked that about him because it meant that whatever they were doing was over and done with as quickly as possible.

Jesper was free to walk from the clinic then, knowing that the transaction was already over. He finished righting his clothing and then took the little bottle of clove oil that he was offered at the front desk. It was standard for him to get something small that could be seen by outside eyes so that it would mask the back business that the apothecary was doing.

As soon as he stepped out onto the bustling streets of Ketterdam, the reality of the situation finally hit him. He fell into a half-dazed state as he let his legs take him where he needed to go. He knew exactly where the Silver Six was and he could find it from any point around the city or country in his sleep. He let the emotions that he had been unknowingly holding back inside of him froth up and into the forefront of his mind so that he could only focus on them.

He was pregnant.

---

He was pushing his luck, and he of all people knew that he didn’t have a lot of luck to push.

It had been a month since he had gotten the diagnosis that he was expecting. He had tried to ignore it at first, waiting for his monthly to come so that it would all seem like some kind of horrible dream that he could laugh off. He’d use it to prank Matthias and then mention to Kaz that they had to find another doctor because the one that they had been using wasn’t that reliable anymore.

And yet, another month passed since his estrus and there had yet to be even a speckle of blood in his underthings. His discharge had been dark a couple of times, but that had brought more terror to him than relief. He found that he was actually thanking his lucky stars that there hadn’t been any bleeding every time that he went to the bathroom, which had caused a bit of a crisis for him.

He had started out by realizing that he did desperately want the baby growing in his womb, more than he thought he would have. Jesper had encountered people who had abortions and had never judged them for it. The Barrel was a tough place to try and raise children, especially when they were the types of individuals that Jesper had been interacting with back then. They had described the process as being tough because it went against their natural instincts but overall freeing. The idea of having it done on him came with absolutely no feeling of freedom, only terror. It was the same with almost wishing that it had been a fluke or that he would miscarry. He didn’t want the child to disappear or to loss him.

He hadn’t ever thought about having kids before, but now that he knew there was a little potential life growing inside of him it was the only thing that clung to his mind. When Inej arrived home from her most recent voyage, it caused his mind to go through each of his mates and try to reason whether or not they would be happy that he was pregnant or if they would want to keep the pup, but every person just made him feel more and more grim about the situation as a whole. 

Inej loved children but she was away from them as long as she could be without any of them getting scent sickness (Jesper had physically shuddered at the thought of what scent sickness was going to do to him now that he was pregnant if he had to wait several weeks to get the Zemini cure for it), which meant that raising children wasn’t really on the table. Wylan was good with kids for the most part, but he was still wading through all of the trauma that the disgraceful Jan Van Eck and his mother’s faked death had given him, so springing a baby onto him on top of all of that seemed almost cruel. Matthias was awkward and nervous around children the same way that he was around porcelain and Inej, things that he thought were breakable under his terrifying strength. Nina seemed to be ambivalent about children on the outside but Jesper knew that with her powers she was just as shaky around them as Matthias was. Kaz’s relationship with the idea of family and children was more complicated than Jesper even truly knew, but he was always distant about the idea of children so likely wouldn’t want to be a father.

He was also a little terrified that it would break apart their pack. Kaz’s aforementioned issues with appearing weak to the outside world had added a layer of difficulty in getting them all to coordinate together into a proper pack, let alone a mated pack. The alpha had only barely admitted he wanted to claim Inej before the rest of them ended up in his life. Jesper worried what a child being added into the mix would do to their semi-fragile pack. It was possible that it would be too much for Kaz to handle and all the progress that they had made with him would suddenly disappear. For only a moment, he wondered if he should just drink one of the teas that had been offered to him and let the Queen Anne’s Lace do its work so that he didn’t have to worry about it at all.

The rearing of emotions in the back of his throat and the tears brushing at the corners of his eyes immediately reminded him why that idea wasn’t an option for him.

By the time that he actually made up his mind about what he was going to do, his heart was heavy in his chest and his body was starting to noticeably change. It wasn’t enough that he couldn’t just brush it off on something else, like the fact that their new cook drowned everything in grease or it had been a while since they had done a job. He knew that he couldn’t push it anymore and he actually had to follow through with the plan that his overactive mind had been creating for a while.

Early one morning when the air was already beginning to get heavy with the summer humidity, Jesper snuck out so that he could buy himself passage on a ship that was going to be leaving dock later that day. He returned back to the Silver Six with a pre-mourning heart and weary eyes. 

He surveyed the space in front of him when he stepped over the threshold, an old habit that he had gotten into whenever he entered a new room after becoming a Dreg. Kaz was apparently in the back office on the main floor, based on the way that the door was propped open instead of shut and locked like it would be if he had taken his work up to the attic. Nina was perched on the edge of one of the tables while showing Matthias the tricks she had learned with cards from their newest waitress. Inej had left on another one of her voyages about two weeks prior after a whole month back. It was hard for her to sail with anyone that wasn’t a beta during the spring months because of estrus season, which meant that her trips in the summer tended to be longer. Wylan was gone to a meeting with the other Merchers, which Jesper was actually glad for.

“Hello, love,” Nina purred when she noticed her partner coming through the door. They tried to be a little subtle about their relationship when they were in public, but Nina was the most affectionate out of them all so the pet names were just something that came with being together with her.

Jesper forced the panic and sadness out of his mind so that it wouldn’t bleed through into his scent. He had gotten good with that kind of thing very early in his career in Ketterdam. Back in Novyi Zem it hadn’t mattered what his gender was or if other people could tell what he was feeling from his scent. He had very quickly ended up in the darkest parts of Ketterdam when he had moved to try and go to university, which resulted in him learning the importance of why that kind of information was to be kept to himself. He was able to do it around strangers without even thinking about it, but his mates spent so much time around him that they were able to tell unless he focused on hiding it.

"Hey, ba-sweetheart," he replied. Saying his favorite nickname for her felt like it was revealing too much about the tender place that he was in, so he switched mid sentence and prayed that no one had noticed. He wanted very badly to lean down and kiss her lips, but they were in public and that would result in the both of them getting a stern talking to from Kaz. They had dealt with the Dime Lions and the merchant council years ago, but every gang and villain in Kerch was always looking for a way to take down the murder of Crows at the heart of the Dregs, so it just wasn't safe for them to even insinuate the love that they had for each other outside of the safety of their rooms. 

“Where were you? You were gone for breakfast,” Nina pouted. She reached out and brushed her fingers over the side of his coat. It was the linen coat-robe hybrid that Kaz had gotten him for a courting gift all those years ago, worn only because it would help to hide the spreading of his hips while they tried to accommodate the growing baby in his womb.

“Oh, you know,” Jesper sighed forlornly. Lying to his partners the way that he was made him feel disgusting from the inside out. He didn’t like lying to anyone unless he knew that it was going to do something important like save a life, which this technically was. He knew that his partners wouldn’t force him to do anything with his body that he didn’t want to after what Inej had been forced to go through, but it would still completely wreck him to be forced from their mate-pack.

He resisted the urge to bury his nose into her hair. She smelled like spun sugar and maple syrup, heady and rich in a way that made his sour stomach rumble like he could actually manage to hold something down. He let out another sigh and tilted his head back and forth, relieved that his hair had grown back enough to keep his hat securely on his head. “I was just out and about, running errands.”

“Getting into mischief?” she asked, tilting her head to the side cutely.

“No, but I will be if you keep looking at me like that,” he replied as he darted his eyes out towards the few patrons that were occupying their space at that time of day.

She gave him a cute pout but released his jacket lapels nonetheless. She returned to her conversation with Matthias as the two of her mates exchanged a sweet smile with each other. Jesper was free to escape after that since they had been properly sated. He felt bad enough about not telling them that he was pregnant or what he had really been doing, but he felt worse when he remembered what he was about to do.

His feet moved quietly up the stairs, avoiding the couple of creaky steps with ease. Inej would have done it far better, to the point where no one would have been able to even tell that she was in the building let alone where she was inside of it, but Jesper was trying his best. They had chosen to live on the upper floors of their club when they were running it themselves because the Van Eck estate still held too many feelings for Wylan and the Slat was too crowded for any of them to feel comfortable actually being a mated pack where anyone could walk in on them. They each had their own small rooms where they could go when they wanted to be alone, which was often for a couple of them. 

Wylan’s room also served as his laboratory, with a cot in the corner for extra naps and passing out when he worked late nights and didn’t want to shower off to go find his partners. Nina had a cozy little closet space that was just big enough for her mattress and all of the linens she had stolen from them. Matthias had a space out in what used to be an upper level sun patio since he loved being as close to nature as he could get in the city. Inej had a space up in the attic, carved out of the space that Kaz used as well. Kaz also had a bed down in his office for when he felt too painful to walk up the stairs to get to their shared room. Jesper’s room was more of a glorified closet and workstation, right next to Wylan’s workshop.

He was headed there now so that he could do what he needed. He had no windows, which had preserved the color and vibrancy of all of the garments he had collected from his mates over the last half a decade. Each garment was sculpted to his body in a way that highlighted a part of his form that he knew each of his partners liked best. Matthias leaned towards things that made him look even taller than he already was, pleased as punch that he had snagged an omega that was the opposite of what he had been told to get his entire life. Nina liked to get things that matched her own gowns and made him look softer around the edges. Kaz got him things that he thought Jesper would like, but they also tended to have plunging necklines. Inej got him things that would keep him warm and comfortable. Wylan got him things that highlighted his ass and more skirts that he would probably ever be able to wear. 

His heart ached in his chest as he realized that it was unlikely any of those things would ever find their way back onto his body. They would stop fitting very soon and then his body would never return back to what it was before. He was also unlikely to be able to take them all with him.

Jesper sucked in a tight breath as he remembered what he had come into his room for. He turned around and closed his door before he slid the lock and deadbolt into place where they belonged. Kaz would be able to pick the lock open with little to no problem, but the deadbolt would be difficult for all of them. Each of their bedrooms had a deadbolt to keep both Kaz and other lockpicks from rival gangs from jumping any of them while they were sleeping.

“Let’s get this started, then,” he breathed. He noticed, to himself since he was alone in the heavy air of his room, that his Zemini accent was already beginning to get stronger. When he actually spoke Zemini, his mother had always teased him that he had a Kaelish accent. Both of them tended to slip away when he was speaking Kerch, unless he was upset or excited. The Zemini accent always won out when he was upset, the Kaelish more likely to come when he was excited.

Jesper lit one of the oil lanterns towards the back of the narrow room. The space was just large enough that when it was empty, he was able to stand in the center with his arms stretched out and the tips of his fingers would just barely brush against the walls. The space made up for it by being able to fit two of him lengthwise, though. He had the racks containing his clothing on one side of the room and then a long, low desk with all of the things that he had been using to try and train his zowa abilities after his talk with the Nina after they had just mated. His bed was a mattress on top of milk crates in the corner with a plethora of blankets wadded up on top of it. He rarely ever slept in his own space, which was probably why his mates hadn’t insisted that he make it nicer.

Today his room was not the sanctuary that it had been when he was having his episodes, or when he was baring his soul by using the very gift that had caused the downfall of his mother. Today his room was a cage that was sealing his fate, that was condemning him to the death of a thousand paper cuts and scent sickness.

Slowly, he reached for the go-bag that he kept tucked in the back corner of his bed. He removed the clothes that he had in it, which was three outfits that would be easy to move around in and more ammo that one human could possible use. He packed things that he knew he would need during his trip. The stash of kruge that he had managed to put away before he knew that he was really secure in his relationship went in first, tucked between a simple white linen shirt and a gaudy green and yellow striped button up. One of the looser skirts and set of trousers along with a belt to keep them up while he was still svelte. He also tucked away a small scented item from each of his partners to try and stave off the sickness for as long as he could.

They were scraps of old shirts, Matthias and Wylan, and handkerchiefs, everyone else, so they weren’t going to be the best if he really wanted to last longer than a direct trip to Novyi Zem, but it was the best that he could do. He wanted to be able to bring his actual mates with him, to have them close to his person at all times so that he didn’t have to go through the painful and scary process that he was about to embark upon entirely on his own.

The last thing that he did was get a piece of paper and his favorite fountain pen. He had probably taken it apart and put it back together, both with and without the use of his zowa abilities, a thousand times since he had taken it from Per Haskell’s office. He had been fascinated by the mechanisms in devices like that since he was tiny and it was the only indulgence that he allowed himself in his new life.

The letters glided over the page and sunk into the material as his brain came up with them. They were a little messy because tears were already beginning to blur his vision, but they were clear enough that any one of his partners could read them except for Wylan. He didn’t leave anything specific, like what his plans were or what he was planning to do since he didn’t want his pack or any one else finding it and following after him.

It was still early morning at that point, so the club was going to be relatively empty. He set the note down on his bed after folding up all of the blankets and stacking them on top of the feather down pillow he always dragged to and from whoever’s bed he was sharing that night. His bag dug into his shoulders as he situated it properly on his back, weighed down not only by the items that he had tucked inside but the guilt of what he was doing.

He knew that no one was going to be on the living floor of their home unless they were squirreled away in their actual locked room, so it was the best time for him to do what he had to do. He was checking over the information that he had collected for Kaz during his mini-mission the week before their estrus. Information like that sometimes stuck tried and true in his brain, but sometimes it slipped away and got warped. He had to hope that this was one of the times that he remembered it correctly even after so much had happened, he had a lot more riding on it than he usually did.

Jesper reached the ground floor and tried to poke his head out of the door that led up to their private quarters without looking at all suspicious. He knew that it was going to be the biggest hurdle to get past the straggling patrons they had and possibly Nina and Matthias if they were still staked out there. Luck seemed to be favoring him a little bit even if it had just been remarkably cruel to him, as they had already left.

The tables and main floor were blissfully empty of anyone that would recognize him and try to stop him, so he situated his bag onto his shoulders and then headed for the exit. No one tried to grab at him, to get his attention, or asked him what he was doing with a loaded bag and a guilty conscience.

The step that he took over the edge of the threshold felt like it had when he had walked out of his father’s house for what was going to be the last time under the facade of an education. This one felt just as final and just as much like he was running away from something that could have protected and helped him. But just as he had the time before, he knew that it wouldn’t and that this was really the only option that would save him all the hurt and anguish he would no doubt otherwise face.

His heart ached in his chest so much that he thought it might cave in on itself, forcing the emotion up through his eyes so that they were swelling with tears again. Jesper forced himself to ignore it and shoved down the emotions until that all that was left was cold, hard resolution to do what would protect him and his unborn child.

---

Kaz had been working all day and he felt like it. Despite Per Haskell being gone for a very long time, he still kept paper logs. He didn’t have the sheets upon sheets of calculations that others had to have since he could do all of that in his mind, but it was good to have something to point to when he was trying to persuade someone in one way or another. He had been sitting in his chair with his favorite pen grasped in his hand as he filled out tidy black and red lines in the ledger until the sun had begun to set. His joints creaked when he stood up, letting him know just how much they hated being all tensed up the way he had been when he was thinking.

Inej’s ship was going to be docking later that night or the next day, it wasn’t always directly on time. The thought of having his pack where they belonged, all huddled away in their group bed and maybe even in a nest, made his heart sing in his chest in a way that only revenge used to.

Kaz grasped his cane in his hand as he pushed himself up into a standing position. Putting weight on the leg that was already so upset with him almost made his vision white out, but he pushed it back with the focus on his partners. They grounded him and made him feel more whole and human, gave him the strength that he needed to keep going.

His long fingers wrapped around the head of his cane as he used it to support his bodyweight and then removed himself from his office. He had an office space upstairs in the attic, just as he had back when they lived in the Slat, but the one on the lower floor was better for actual business meetings now that he was the boss.

Kaz walked out and surveyed the crowd of people that they had managed to drag in that night. It was a good sort, lots of rich pockets and even more gems that could be snagged from drunk patrons. Anika and Dirix were working the door and the floor that night so he didn’t have to worry about anything big enough to really be noticed being stolen from their patrons. Knowing that his club was in good hands for the time being, Kaz slipped back into the door that no one ever dared even touched and up the stairs to the shared common room.

Wylan had already returned back from his daily adventure with the Merchant Council. Matthias and Nina had come back some time that afternoon, so they were stretched sleepily out on the couch together. Inej was off on her ship, which meant that the only person currently missing was Jesper. 

“Hello love,” Wylan beamed when he noticed that his partner was standing in the doorway, watching them as they decompressed around each other.

“When did you get back?” he asked, clearing his throat to try and rid it of some of the rasp. He was never going to get all of it out, but it sometimes dimmed when he talked for longer than a couple of seconds. It got worse if he had been talking for too long, like when Alina had come to visit them a couple of years ago with her husband.

The omega glanced towards the clock as he placed whatever he had been working on down on the table. It seemed to be the new compound that Matthias had been talking to him about the night before when they had both woken up from nightmares. Kaz had laid on the other side of the bed with a pillow blockade between him and the rest of his partners, triggered from events earlier in the day, and listened to them until they had soothed him into a proper sleep.

“I think about an hour? I came back and then kept working so my brain is a little fried,” he laughed. He looked a little sheepish as he leaned back against the couch and refused to meet the pack leader’s eyes.

It was common for alphas to be the pack leaders in places like Fjerda, but there were differences in Kerch. While indentures were very common and owned by almost every wealthy man to ever disgrace the streets, omegas and betas were both respected much the same way that they were in Ravka and Novyi Zem. Kaz just so happened to be the most powerful out of everyone in their pack and had taken the role of pack alpha when they had reached that stage in their relationship, long before they had even considered mating each other. Inej was often considered to be his second, the one that could take over the pack if something happened to him, but Jesper assumed that role when she was off on her trips.

When his mind rotated back to the other omega in his pack, he asked, “Where is Jesper?”

“I thought that he was going to be spending the day with you,” Matthias said when he heard what they were talking about. He looked down at Nina, rubbing his hand over the crest of her hip while she purred sleepily against his shoulder.

“We saw him today around ten but he went upstairs and didn’t tell us what his plans were going to be for the day,” Nina stretched and looped her arms sleepily around Matthias’ shoulders. The two of them had been having a rather lazy day, that much Kaz knew for certain, which would explain why his beta mate was already so tired despite the early hour of the evening.

Matthias nudged her off so that she was sitting against the couch and no longer on him. When she whined and tried to tug him back down by the twin ties connecting to the neck of his shirt he just chuckled and kissed the tip of her nose. “You and I both know that neither Kaz nor Wylan have eaten anything since breakfast this morning. Inej will have my head if I do not go and make something for them.”

“I’ll come with you!” Nina chirped, suddenly far more awake than she had been a second ago. Kaz watched them tangle their hands together as they walked through the main common space into the little kitchen that they had for their meals. They didn’t have a formal table to eat at because it reminded Wylan too much of the dinners he had endured with his father and Nina too much of the Little Palace, but they did have to have somewhere to prepare their food.

The alpha limped over to the couch that Nina and Matthias had been occupying and lowered his aching body down onto it. He was still having a bad day, but the company of his partners hadn’t triggered him since before they had broken Matthias out of prison all those years ago. Wylan turned to him and gave him that soft smile that made the blue in his eyes twinkle like when the clouds broke after a snow storm. “I can go look for Jesper if you’d like,” he offered.

“That would be appreciated, thank you,” Kaz replied immediately. He found that his bad days were actually eased with the presence of his entire pack near him. That wasn’t always possible since Inej and Kuwei both had their own trips that they liked to make around the world, doing whatever it was that they did on their boats, but having as many of them in the same room as him as possible would ease the panic beating up in his throat. It had been so much easier for him to ignore it when he was doing paperwork and drowning out his thoughts with numbers. Now that those solutions were no longer able to offer him the respite he craved, he needed to know that the people he cared for were safe.

Wylan pushed himself off of the ground after tidying up whatever experiment he had been doing on the coffee table. He gave a small, chirping purr to let Kaz know that if the alpha was in a state where he could be touched that he would be receiving a kiss or other affection of some sort. It was one of Kaz’s favorite noises to hear and one that he often dragged out of the omega when they were rotating around their estrus.

He leaned his head back against the couch and let his eyes slip closed as he listened to the sound of creaking boards and banging pots. He could tell where Wylan was in their house based on the sound of his footsteps and how far away they were. Nina and Matthias were getting nowhere on dinner, but that was to be expected because they couldn’t really function around each other. Dinner was going to be coming late, but he knew where they were and that they were happy so he didn’t really care.

About ten minutes later, Wylan returned with a piece of paper clasped in his hands. “Hey Kaz, would you read this for me? I found it in Jesper’s room and I think it might explain what he was up to today,” the omega said as he handed it over. He tucked himself on the other side of the couch, his talented hands toying with the callouses that had begun to form on the tips of soft mercher fingers.

Kaz accepted the note and inhaled deeply so that he could tell what Wylan was feeling. It was impossible for even a mate-pack to be able to have the mythical feeling-sensing abilities that they detailed in the stories of Saints in Ravka, but it was common for mates to be able to tell more about their partner after they had officially mated through their scents. Wylan smelled like campfire smoke and stacked firewood, but it turned a bit sour like burning grass when he was feeling distressed.

“I’m sure that everything’s alright. He probably just got distracted with one of his friends,” Kaz soothed. It had become almost second nature to try and calm his mates down when they were in the beginning of their relationships and all still struggling with their own issues. They were doing a lot better now, but the tendency had persisted.

He looked back down at the note and then began to read, “My dear mates, I don’t want you to worry about me even though I know that you will for a while. I’ve decided that I have to leave, it’s best for the pack. No one is threatening me or forcing me to do this, I’ve done it myself. I don’t want you to come after me or even look for me at all. Please just pretend that…”

The second that he had begun to speak the words out loud, he had felt the icy water lapping at his feet. By the time that he realized what the note was implying, the tide had reached all the way up his hips and then over his head to consume him entirely. He felt like he was drowning all over again, like the life that he had worked so hard to build for himself, brick by brick, was suddenly pulled out from under his feet. Things were crumbling around him and there was nothing that he could do to stop it.

Wylan had shifted on the couch so that he was sitting forward a bit more and staring at the note in his hands. He wouldn’t be able to read it at all, even if Inej had helped him be able to recognize certain words for the meetings where he couldn’t bring one of them to help him with paperwork. Kaz knew that he was checking to make sure that it was actually Jesper’s handwriting and wasn’t written by someone else or in a different style than he normally did to try and tell them something in secret.

“Nina! Matthias!” he shouted, loud enough that they likely heard it down in the bar below. He scrambled off the couch without touching his alpha and then met them halfway to the kitchen.

“Wylan? What’s going on?” Nina immediately wrapped her arms around him in the kind of hug she knew that he needed. It was her special talent within their mate-pack, to be able to cater to each of their needs without them even having to tell her explicitly.

“Jesper’s gone!” he sobbed.

Kaz grasped the hand of his cane so tightly that the leather of his gloves creaked with the force. He shot up off of the couch and a burst of white hot pain chased away the remaining dripping cold that had been clinging to his skin. “No, he’s not. Not for long.”

He couldn’t get anything else out as he stalked down to his office to brood and plot about how he could get his omega back. He didn’t know what had come over the zowa that had made him think that it would be a good idea to leave their home and the safety of their mate-pack for whatever was lurking out there for him, but the fact that he had thought to at all was already foreboding. Kaz wasn’t going to let anything bad happen to the people that he loved ever again.

---

Inej’s boat docked in the harbor late that very same evening. She was oblivious to the turmoil that was happening in her home as she made sure that her crew and vessel was secure before making her way through the damp streets of her home city. She had once resented and hated the place that she had been sold to, but she had also met the people that she adored most in the entire world there so the resentment could only last for so long.

She didn’t bother to go in the front door since she was too tired to deal with questions from the other Dregs that Kaz would have working tonight. Instead, she went around the back of the building and scaled the slick walls up to the window that lead directly into her room. The window was still locked to an outsider that wasn’t her, but she was able to push and tug on the latch in just the right way to get in.

A small smile graced her face when she noticed that Nina had actually managed to keep up with her promise of cleaning the room for her mate. They were both betas in the group, which had led to them being closer even after they had mated their respective alphas before the mate-pack had formed. It was likely that the aforementioned alpha, Matthias, had helped her with the cleaning instead of Nina doing it on her own. Inej didn’t really care who had done it, she was just grateful to have a space that wasn’t rocking and didn’t smell of the ocean.

Stepping into her home was nothing like she had expected it to be. Instead of being met with the warm smell and arms of her mates, she was hit with a wave of bitter distress and something specifically feeling absent. She wondered if she had picked up on a little bit of the Saint’s fairytale mate-pack magic and gotten Matthias’ ability to sense when something was wrong. Kaz would tease her for being superstitious, she knew.

The beta carefully stepped down into her home after the rest of her body fit neatly through the window. She assessed her room first, remembering exactly where everything had been to tell if they had moved in the slightest. Her room was up in the attic because it was hardest to get to and in the same space as Kaz’s office. She liked to be close to him even when they both needed their own space so that if he ever had a need for her, then she would be within reaching distance of him. 

She trailed her hand over the edge of her bed to examine the blankets. Nina had clearly laundered the sheets at least once in the month Inej had been gone. Her books were still tidily piled on the small shelf above her bed, along with the knife cleaning and sharpening kit that Kaz had gotten her as a mating gift years ago. She had another one that she brought with her on her trips because she loved that one enough that she didn’t want it to get damaged or lost in her constant transit. The rug underneath her bed and pressing against the door to keep out the last of the draft hadn’t even been moved.

Everything in her room was exactly as it should have been, so she stepped out into the room that Kaz used as his office. Just as it had been in her room, everything was as it should have been. There was a large stack of papers on the desk from what Kaz had been working on when he wasn’t taking meetings. It was usually plans for heists and jobs that were less than legal, keeping all of the official paperwork down in the main office on the ground floor.

Inej’s unease grew the longer that she was unable to put her finger on what was wong about her home.

She slipped up onto the banister of the stairwell that led down to the rest of the bedrooms and slipped down it with practiced ease. The ones in the Slat had been smoother, less close to the wall, but Kaz had made sure everything in their home could put up with a lot of usage so that she wouldn’t be hurt if something broke. She knew that it was an act of love of the highest order to have Kaz Brekker actually take care of her, so she had never complained about the lack of space to him.

She arrived at the bottom of the steps without a sound, as she had planned. There were barely any noises coming from that floor, which only served to make her more concerned about what was happening. The communal floor and kitchen were a floor lower, so she repeated the process while following the smell and sound of her pack.

They were all gathered in their makeshift living room despite the late hour. She would have thought that it might have been a bad night if it was storming since Matthias and Nina still got triggered at times, but the sky was for once very dry. Wylan was sitting with his legs pulled up towards his chest, his arms wrapped so tightly around them that his pelvis had to be aching with the effort. Matthias was pacing around in the background, his face wrinkled with worry unlike she had seen since the Ice Court heist that had brought him to their little pack. Nina was perched on her favorite chair but her back was rigid and she was chewing on the side of her finger, looking every bit the talented soldier in a war meeting that she had been primed to be before she had been captured. Kaz was sitting on the other side of the couch from Wylan. He had his cane grasped in his gloved hands and was staring at something on the coffee table that she couldn’t make out.

“Inej, something has happened,” he said, before anyone else had noticed that she was around. She wasn’t sure why he was the only person that was ever able to see through all of the spider tactics that she had picked up during her life, but she didn’t mind it now that they were mated. 

Upon hearing the other alpha say that, Matthias immediately stopped pacing and tried to follow Kaz’s gaze but wasn’t able to make her out in the darkness of the hallway. Wylan let out a small sob and buried his face into his knees, which made Inej’s heart throb in her chest. Nina let out a low breath and half slumped against her chair, brown curls falling over her pretty eyes. The beta then stepped into the light so that the rest of her partners could see that she was there. “What happened?” she asked as she made her way over to see what was laid out in front of Kaz on the table. She picked it up and then immediately registered Jesper’s messy Kerch scrawl over the yellowed page.

Her brain was going a million miles a minute when she processed that the other omega was missing, only one of them was surrounded by the protective nest of their home, and Kaz had said that something was wrong. The note only served to make her more concerned. “When do we leave?”

---

After a little over a week at sea, Jesper finally touched down on the land that he had grown up on. He hadn’t spent a lot of time in Shriftport when he wasn’t accompanying his parents because neither of them had wanted to stay home with him. That combined with the fact that it had changed during the time that he had been gone made it a little hard for him to find his way through the busy streets. He was able to figure it out fairly quickly after remembering that Novyi Zem wasn’t Ketterdam and the people around him weren’t going to pick his pockets on principle of annoying them alone.

He got instructions about how to get to the frontier and then headed on his way. The journey was far more difficult than he had anticipated it being. He was already beginning to become scent sick for Inej since he had seen her the furthest away out of all his partners, which made him feel achy and even more lethargic. The pregnancy was continuing to make him nauseous, which he had been able to pass of as sea sickness to the people that didn’t know him on the boat. He had made sure not to bring enough money to tempt him into gambling since he couldn’t risk falling back into that habit, but it also meant that he was unable to purchase a horse.

Jesper had been feeling kind of nervous about the idea of doing that anyway because he had heard some horror stories when he was very young about omegas miscarrying after going horseback riding early in their pregnancy. He didn’t know what was true and what wasn’t, he hadn’t been around enough midwives in the village near his frontier home after his mother died to get reliable information instead of just gossip.

He did manage to make it all the way to the jurda fields that his father had been running for as long as he could remember. The bright orange plants were shining underneath the spring sun as they got ready to bloom in late summer. They were still mostly green but the edges of the leaves were beginning to yellow and the buds were bountiful enough that it decorated the entire field with the color. In the middle of the one closest to the fence that led to the road was the man that Jesper had come looking for.

He paused for a moment, pressing his hand onto one of the steady posts. He remembered when they were as tall as him, and then again when he had walked after his father while slowly leading their old plough horse as he dragged replacements after a late-winter squall that had taken down half their fence. He should have known that coming back to the place where he had lived for so long was going to bring back memories from the aforementioned growing up, but it was still surprising to him.

“Da!” he shouted to get the attention of the other man. He sat his bag down against the edge of the fence to come and get later, relishing in the relief that it brought his shoulders to no longer having it hanging off of him. 

Colm stood up and turned towards the person that had called to him. His red hair was stark against the yellow, brown, and orange of the plants he was surrounded by. He was wearing a checkered black and red shirt with a pair of linen slacks so that he didn’t get overheated underneath the Zemini sun. His hands were already caked with dirt already from weeding and handling the plants, but as soon as he saw who had spoken to him he grabbed a handkerchief out of his pocket to wipe them off. “Jes?” he called, his voice carrying far over the open fields.

Jesper clambered over the fence with his long legs easily helping him over. His hips ached as his pelvis was already beginning to shift so that it could accommodate his growing pup, but he was overwhelmed with the urge to get to his father for the comfort he needed. “Da!”

As soon as they were close enough to reach each other, Colm immediately wrapped his arms around his son and brought him into a tight hug. It was protective and adoring in the way that it always had been when he was little, exactly what he had been asking for. The omega wrapped his own lanky arms around his beta father and nuzzled his head into the crook of his neck like he was a toddler. 

As soon as the hug broke apart, Colm looked over his son with a concerned expression. He continued to wipe his hands off just to have something to do with his hands. He asked, “Jesper, what are you doing here?”

“Da, I fucked up, I really fucked up,” he shook his head. He had managed to keep from crying the entire time that he was traveling to get back to his father’s farm. He had even managed it when his father’s arms were wrapped around him and he felt safe and grounded for the first time since he had stepped foot in that apothecary. Being asked why he had come felt like it was all finally tumbling down on him at once and he couldn’t stop the tears now that they had started.

Colm let out a small sigh, the same way that he had when he found out that Jesper had accidentally stolen the neighboring farm’s new barn cat. He took the omega’s hand and gently led him back to their home like he was every bit the lost child he felt.

Jesper let himself be moved through the door and then settled down into the living room. He sat quietly as he tried to control his sobbing while his father got a glass of water for the both of them. Finally, Colm settled down on the other side of the living room table and waited for his son to calm down enough that he could explain what was going on. “Jes, what happened?” he finally prompted when he decided that the omega had calmed enough. 

“I’m pregnant, Da,” he whispered in reply. He was wringing his long fingers around the lip of his glass to try and soothe the nerves that were terrorizing their way through his stomach. He reached one of his hands up to his neck so that they were grazing over the silvering, once-red marks that his mates had left on him years ago. He knew that his Da had seen them the last time that he had visited Ketterdam, but Jesper wasn’t quite sure that he had understood what it really meant since neither of them had decided to talk about it at the time.

“Did they hurt you?” Colm asked, his eyes serious and heavy as they looked over his son for any sign of injury other than the scent sickness and pregnancy exhausting his bones.

Jesper scoffed and shook his head. “No, they could never hurt me,” he answered. It was true, none of his mates would hurt him now that they were all pushing each other to heal and better themselves. Kaz had sent those people after him to join the gang when he was still pretending to go to University, but had never hurt him since. Matthias was so delicate with all of them that it was almost annoying. Inej and Nina were the same tender hands and even softer hearts when it came to matters of their mate-pack. Wylan wasn’t capable of hurting anyone that he could see and even then he still cried about the people that his explosives had taken the life of. “On the contrary, they’re probably furious that I’m gone.”

“Then why did you leave?” Colm asked, confusion spreading over his freckled features. Wylan was more Kerch than Kaelish now, but Jesper felt homesick when he thought about the freckles that dusted his skin during the summer months when they actually got some sun. 

He thought about the answer that he wanted to give for a while before he finally let it pass his lips. “I… there’s a lot going on with them already and… I didn’t want to have an abortion. I want my pup but I don’t think it’s fair for me to push that on any of them.” It was a half truth, leaving out the danger of the life that they led in the Barrel and the trauma that they all possessed surrounding children.

Colm reached out and took Jesper’s hand before the omega realized that he had accidentally warped the glass to bend slightly over. He set it down on the table and then shuffled slightly. “Da, I need somewhere to stay until the baby comes at least. I know that you might not want me here since I’m not what you expected for a son and… I’m zowa, but I can’t start a whole new life while waiting for the scent sickness to go away and the baby on the way. I only have five more months, not even half a year.”

“Jes, Jes, calm down,” he laughed. It was a robust noise that had once filled the house to the brim, but all laughter and smiles had decreased tenfold after Jesper’s mother died. He had been missing her more than he had expected, not only because he was about to become a mother himself, but because he wanted her expertise on what was going to happen to him. Everyone he had seen go through a pregnancy when he visited town and the other homesteads on the frontier had their mother or grandmother beside them to help them, and yet he had no one.

Colm sighed and stood up so that he could run one of his calloused hands over the top of his son’s head. It was a motion that had been done a lot when Jesper was still waist height and it immediately soothed the second wave of tears threatening to make their way out of his throat. “I never really wanted you to leave, Jes. I wanted you to be safe and happy, I thought that was what would happen in Ketterdam, even if you didn’t end up going to university like I thought that you would. You can come back here and stay for as long as you’d like. I’m guessing that you’re going to need some help taking care of this little one anyway.”

A small laugh was forced from the omega’s mouth. He knew that going to his father was the best option for the situation that he was in, but he had still been stressed that his streak of bad luck would continue and he’d be turned away. He nuzzled against the beta’s side so he could get more of the comfort he had when he was a child, which Colm was happy to supply. “I’m gonna need all the help I can get, Da,” Jesper said wetly.

---

Nina chewed on the inside of her lip as she looked at the quickly approaching city. She had visited Novyi Zem to assist them in the recruitment for the Second Army back when the Black General was still alive, but she hadn’t been back since. She didn’t think that they were going to recognize her since she had been closer to Weddle than Shriftport, but the nerves were still eating her alive.

She knew that part of that was from being on a boat again. She and Matthias had done a lot of work to recover from the trauma that the shipwreck and following weeks had done to them but it was never going to be gone. That combined with the scent sickness that they were already starting to get from Jesper being gone made the experience very unpleasant. She was also so worried for him that her stomach felt as though it was tied in an impossible knot. She had even lost a good deal of her appetite.

They had waited for a week to get the best, fastest boats that they could and give Inej’s crew a chance to get the rest they needed before they set off. They had also been scouring every place in the Barrel and most of Ketterdam that they could think Jesper would go to. Matthias had been hesitant to go after him in the beginning because he was so sure that when he was told he wasn’t wanted, he wholeheartedly believed it instead of knowing that something was wrong. Kaz had quickly talked sense into him, but had decided that he and Nina were going to go to Novyi Zem together so that they could keep the other out of trouble. 

Even thinking about her mate made her turn her head so that she could see what he had gotten up to. Matthias had been agitated from the moment that they got on the boat, he didn’t like being confined the way that they were when his instincts were going haywire over their mate.

If it had been under different circumstances, like Inej going on a longer voyage than normal, then Nina would have felt a little differently about watching him go through the stages of scent sickness. She herself was a beta, so she felt a little bit of fatigue and some achiness on her skin and neck. She knew that Wylan always got needier when he was feeling scent sick, and once they had been separated for so long that he had actually gone into a faux heat to try and get his mates to stick around. She wondered if Jesper was going through something like that now for Inej, wherever he was.

The boat eventually docked and they were able to secure two horses with the money that Kaz had given them. Even though they had been sailing all day and the late summer sun was beginning to sink low over the clouds, they started on the journey out to the Fahey farm. They wanted to know where their mate was more than they wanted to rest, and talking with his father was going to give them a good lead.

They traveled for as long as their horses would push through and then camped out on the side of the road. The fields were full of tall, paling grass with smaller farms growing jurda and vegetables stretched out in the distance. It was warm enough even at night that they didn’t have to cuddle together for warmth underneath the woolen blankets that they had packed like they did when they first met. Nina still eagerly leaned into Matthias’ side so that she could derive the comfort that she so desperately needed from her mate. He seemed more than happy to oblige her, wrapping his arms around her and burying his face in her neck. Her spun sugar scent and his deep oak soothed the other respectively.

They rose with the sun that morning and pushed the rest of the way to the frontier. Nina’s heart was thrumming up in her ears and she kept a careful eye on Matthias. He seemed to be getting twitchier the closer that they got to the Fahey farm, even growling when she suggested stopping so that they could ask another one of the farmsteads around if they were traveling in the right direction.

The jurda plants were in full bright bloom by the time that they finally got to their destination. The leaves had curled, yellowed by the sun and hidden from view by the blossoming orange flowers on top. They stood at about waist level and turned towards the sun, hiding the rich brown dirt that they were growing in. Nina could see a two story farm house in the distance with a neatly trimmed cherry blossom tree growing on a hill nearby. The thing that really got her attention was the very familiar crane-like frame of her mate standing in the field.

The man had the same paler-Zemini colored skin with short hair hidden by one of the traditional farm wrappings. He must have just been using it to keep his hair out of the way and clean while he worked because he was still dressed in the clothes that he favored in Ketterdam. It was a pair of loose linen slacks good for the hottest summer months with a baggy green and yellow shirt. His limbs were still gangly and awkward as he squatted low next to one of the jurda plants to secure a blossom hidden within the yellowed leaves. 

Her breath was stolen from her lungs when the man stood and she saw the familiar curves and juts of his face. She knew that she had missed him desperately, but she hadn’t really let herself feel it until she was looking directly at him. Her eyes trailed over his form as if trying to make sure that he was real, but then they paused when she got to his stomach. It almost looked as though it were a trick of the light, a shadow cast by the basket he had propped up against one hip, something else to explain why the front of his shirt was pulled taut in a way that felt impossible for him. 

Jesper Fahey had always been boney and awkward, no matter how much they forced into his body to try and get him to put a bit more weight on. He had the farmboy muscle over his bones but not much else, which left him often cold when it rained. The only reasonable explanation for why his clothing was fitting him the way that it was stuck to the forefront of her mind and made her feel like she was stuck on her horse.

Her mate, evidently, was not. Matthias jumped off of his horse and then vaulted over the fence before Nina’s mind had even calmed down enough to process that her previously missing mate was standing in front of her.

Jesper dropped the basket full of jurda blossoms and reached his arms out for the alpha despite the fact that he had been the one to leave them. Nina knew that it was because of the scent sickness or whatever had caused him to leave in the first place. She refused to believe what her mind was telling her as she dismounted from her own horse. She took both of the steeds’ reigns and tied them to once fencepost each so that they wouldn’t run away. She then hauled herself over the wire like Matthias had done so that she could meet them.

She had come to her senses and finished her work quickly enough that the duo hadn’t even separated from each other. Matthias had his nose buried against Jesper’s scent gland, growling low in his chest in a way that would warn off anyone that wasn’t in his mate-pack. When he opened his eyes to look at Nina, she saw that his pupils were swollen with the endorphins that were rushing through his system. Jesper was clinging to Matthias like his legs were threatening to give up and hiccuping slightly. 

“Jes,” Nina whispered as she placed her hand on his arm. That made the omega break away from their alpha so that he could turn towards her. He reached out and brought her close to him so that their bodies were pressed against each other again. She felt the angst inside of her body finally settle out into placid comfort when his orange and lemon scent filled her nose. She was so content to have the missing omega back in her arms that she almost forgot about the hard mound of his stomach pressed against her.

They pulled out from the hug so that the three of them were standing in a field full of hip-height jurda with a basket of wilting blossoms next to them. “H-how did you guys find me?” Jesper asked.

He slowly knelt to the ground, as if scared that despite how happy they were to see him they would suddenly lash out and start attacking him now. He picked up the basket and righted it in the little space between the rows of flowers. He began to pick up the crop that he had dropped so that he could return it to where it belonged. Nina hadn’t worked on a farm before but she was knowledgeable enough about jurda that she knew it couldn’t just be left out, it had to be handled a specific way if it was going to be usable.

“We’re all looking for you,” Nina replied softly.

Matthias let out a gruff noise in the back of his throat and they both glanced to see what was wrong. He was staring at the house where a man with coppery bright curls had just come out. Jesper finished his work hurriedly and then placed his hand over Matthias’ to calm him down. “That’s just my Da, who I’ve been staying with while…”

“We should go inside and sit down,” Nina immediately said. She had lost her powers to tell if his heart had picked up, but she could read him enough to see ths tress in his shoulders.

Jesper turned from his father and Matthias to her before he looked down at his basket of half finished work. “Let me put this away and then we can really talk, okay?”

The other two shared a look before Nina nodded for them both. Regardless of why he had left or what was really going on, he had to finish his work. They also had to get their horses closer to the house so that they didn’t get stolen. It felt like her body was tearing itself apart as she stepped away from her mate again, but it was a necessary evil. They both finished up their work and met back up at the house. Colm, Jesper’s father, had been standing on the porch while looking between them and the barn where Jesper was preparing the jurda blossoms to dry out.

It felt like another lifetime had passed before the omega finally made his way back over to his mates. He glanced towards his father before he let his eyes fall back onto Nina and Matthias. She noticed that they had the same eye color, and though Jesper had living in a different country and culture for a good long while, the same mannerisms. “Da, we need to go inside and talk about… why I came here,” Jesper said to his father as he gestured towards his partners.

Nina immediately took over before Matthias could growl again, “I’m sorry that we didn’t send ahead, but we were rather worried about Jes.”

Colm glanced towards Jesper with a grim expression before he said, “I understand. You three head inside so that you can talk. You’ve got a lot to discuss.”

“Thank you, Da,” Jesper whispered when the two of them passed.

“I didn’t want you out in the fields today anyway,” Colm chided as he cupped his child’s face. Nina wondered if either of her parents would have done that had they not been killed by the war and the Fold. It was something she always wondered when they encountered other people’s parents or saw children being shepherded around by their guardian. 

The thoughts were pushed from her mind as she began to wonder why Colm wouldn’t have wanted Jesper out in the fields, though she still refused to acknowledge the most likely reason. “Sedhi said that I was fine, Da. I can work and help you out while you’re feeding and clothing me,” Jesper objected. Nina knew that if there was one thing Jesper hated more than holding still, it was feeling like he was a burden.

The two separated and Jesper led them up into the house. It was a chipper place with brightly painted plaster walls and a recently redone wooden floor. All of the furniture was sun bleached and worn, but in a way that made it feel like a generational home instead of worn down the way that the Slat did. The house was filled with the smell of drying herbs, rosemary and lavender hanging in little bundles above the window looking out towards the road.

Jesper slowly lowered himself down into a sitting position on the couch, wincing slightly. He already looked a little better than he had when she had first seen him out in the field, likely the effect of them being around him. Matthias stood menacingly by the door, his face contorted with worry and his arms crossed protectively over his chest. They both knew that he was scared and upset, but not angry with either of them.

Nina lowered herself down onto the ground in front of Jesper. She took his hand in her own as she traced over the little white lines that made up the scars on his wrist and hand from a hard farm and gang life. Her bodice dug uncomfortably down into her legs and her skirts were almost unbearably hot around her legs after the long horse ride while the noon heat crept in, but she ignored them both. “What happened, Jesper?” she asked, heart thrumming in her throat.

“I left,” he answered instead of saying what he should have.

“We know, but why? Why did you no longer want us?” Matthias asked. His Kerch was roughed because he was stressed and Nina wished that she could calm him down, but she had to focus all of her attention on their omega.

“I left because you wouldn’t want me anymore, you still don’t,” he shook his head. He let out a wet little laugh as he tried not to cry, “I was being selfish and trying to save myself the pain of being rejected from the pack.”

That made her stomach drop out from under her. She knew that Kaz hadn’t even gotten rid of him when his accidentally too-loose lips had gotten Inej hurt so whatever he had done or whatever trouble he had found had to be serious. Especially since he had mentioned their pack as a whole instead of their mate-pack. 

“Jesper, we’re not going to get mad or hurt you. Please just tell us what’s going on,” she pleaded. She hadn’t felt this out of control since she had been locked in that Fjerdan slaving ship and she hated it.

The omega looked up at her, showing off the tears that were shimmering on the very edges of his deep gray eyes. He then glanced towards Matthias and took a shaky breath. Nothing would have prepared her already racing mind for what he was about to say, but instead of startling her it only calmed the racing of her stressed heart. “I’m pregnant.”

Matthias’ eyes went so wide that Nina knew it was painful. The strict lines that had cut across his kind features melted away and his arms hung loosely by his sides as he tried to figure out what to do with that information. When she knew that he wasn’t going to faint or explode, she turned back to the omega.

Her own mind was freaking out at the idea of becoming a parent, but she had been suspecting it since she had seen the distended form of his stomach from the other side of the fence. She shifted so that she was up on her knees with her hand extended to brush against his belly. “Love, we wouldn’t be mad at you for this.”

“You would,” he shook his head in disbelief. “No one in the pack has the time or heart to raise a child, especially since we live in the Barrel. I’m not giving up my pup and I wasn’t going to be able to go through with an abortion. This was the only option that I had. I hate it here, I miss the city, I miss all of you, but this is a safe place for my pup to grow up.”

“A safer place would have been with all of us,” Matthias said when he finally came back to himself. He crossed the space between them and placed his hand on the back of Jesper’s neck to bring them into a kiss. The softness of the gesture melted both of the other mates, settling the anxiety that had risen in the room from the pregnant gunslinger. “I have said it every time that something has happened and I will say it a million times more, but I was made to protect our pack. I will make sure you are safe and warm and that you want for nothing. Kaz and I both will.”

The mentioned of the other alpha in their mate-pack made Jesper’s face crumble and he began to cry again. “I don’t want to talk about him, please.”

Nina and Matthias shared a glance with each other, both of them rather alarmed. They had never been around one of their mates when they were scent sick for anyone other than Inej and once Nina when she had gone back to Ravka to soothe her homesickness. Granted, they had also never been around Jesper when he was pregnant, so neither of them knew if that was a normal response.

“Okay, okay, love,” Nina purred as she brushed her hand over the side of his face. “We still need to talk but we won’t mention the rest of the pack while we do, alright?”

“Alright,” he sniffled. He forced the tears back and away so that he could be coherent again. “My period never came after my heat and I got it confirmed by that doctor that works out of the back of his apothecary, the one that Kaz really likes. I hid it for another month before I knew that I was pushing my luck and came back here. I thought that the note would have made Kaz angry enough that he wouldn’t have come after me or convinced you or Inej that I really didn’t want to come home. I… I know that it was cruel, but I had to think about what was going to help me protect my baby.”

Nina felt her heart ache in her chest as she thought about that. She knew that the topic of children had never been uttered outside of their estrus when the need to breed overwhelmed them on a instinctual level, so she understood why Jesper had been nervous. But she had often woken up in the long nights of winter to thoughts of little feet padding over the polished floors of the upstairs Silver Six apartment. “I’m so sorry that we made you feel like this, Jesper. And that you thought you had to run away from us so that you could keep the pup safe. I can’t speak for Matthias but I know that I want to continue to be your mate and raise our pup with you. I think that the others do too.”

“I know that they do,” Matthias replied. “Inej wants a family, once she is finished with her slaver-hunting business and can trust it to be passed on to someone else. Wylan wants children but is afraid he would give his condition to a pup that he carries. I… I have always wanted children, even before I lost my family.”

“Do you promise?” Jesper asked, slowly shifting so that they could settle down onto the couch around him. Matthias slung one of his big arms behind the other criminal to bring him into the safety of his hold. Nina brought the omega’s hand up to her lips, kissing the bony ridges of his knuckles. 

“We promise. We swear to you that we’ll be by your side as you bring our child into the world,” she smiled. She loved the idea of getting to have a little family with her pack, she was honestly kind of surprised that they had managed to go that long without someone getting pregnant in the first place. She shifted slightly as the next big question came to mind. “When are we going back to Ketterdam? I don’t know what state you’re in when it comes to traveling.”

“I should be fine, but I don’t want to go back,” he shook his head. “Not until after the baby is born.”

“Why?” Matthias asked. Given all of the homesickness that the alpha felt for his own home country, Nina was honestly a little surprised that he had said that. Her opinion quickly changed when she remembered what Jesper had said about missing the city. It made more sense for them to return back to Kerch even if they were going to move into the Van Eck mansion so that their pregnant mate and child weren’t above a gambling hall. 

“I want to give birth in the same place that my mother did. She and my father had this house finished a month before I came,” he answered, looking a little sheepish. “She… she isn’t here to help me through this and she won’t ever know that she has a grandson, so this is the only way that I can connect to her during this whole thing.”

Nina’s heart felt like an open, bleeding wound in her chest when she heard her mate say that. She knew what it was like to desperately wish for a parent to help guide her through new, terrifying experiences. She didn’t even know what gender her parents were or what they had looked like, so the pain of not being able to connect to his mother had to be even more raw for Jesper. “How about this? We’ll send word to the rest of the pack and have them come meet us here so that they can help you through the pregnancy and birth. Then we can all go home. That way we can also figure out what to do about the Silver Six apartment, alright?”

He only had to consider it for a moment before he was nodding. She knew that while he was scared of what the reaction of their mates would be, he needed them desperately. She was becoming more and more concerned for his health the longer that she looked him over. 

He was pale and a little shaky. While his skin had the shine of someone that was expecting, he was a little sallow beneath the front image. She could see the places that he had gotten a little bit more gaunt as the baby began to seep away the food that he managed to keep down. He wasn’t in as bad of shape as she had expected him to be after spending two months away from his mates while pregnant, but it still wasn’t great. “Love, how have you been getting on while you’re here?”

Jesper seemed to be relieved at the switch in the conversation. He shifted so that he was leaning back against Matthias with both of his hands cupping the roundness of his stomach. When he brought the material of his clothing taut over his belly it was even more evident that he was expecting than they had first anticipated. “They have a scent replacer here that works really well for omegas during pregnancy. I couldn’t get it while I was in Ketterdam because Ravka still takes a lot of it after the issues that they had with being at war for four hundred years. I got some when I arrived here and it’s been helping a lot. I only really feel nauseous when I get too hot, too hungry, or too tired. When I miss a dose all I can do is sleep and vomit, it’s awful.”

Matthias let out a concerned noise that was soothed when Jesper let out a soft sigh that sounded very similar to a purr. “Don’t worry too much about me, big guy. The first thing that my Da did after getting me to calm down from the state I had worked myself up into was to take me into town to talk to the midwife. Sedhi remembers my ma and she’s been doing this for almost twenty years, so she can really help me.”

Nina brushed her hand over the side of his face in an adoring gesture. She wished that she could take all of his pain from him, make the pregnancy he obviously desperately wanted one of the best experiences of his life. She couldn’t, all she could do was ease his pain by staying by his side for as long as he needed.

---

Wylan and Kaz had decided that they were going to continue looking for Jesper in Ketterdam. They had been scouring the slave auctions held in the dankest part of the Barrels and keeping their ears open for tell of any Zemini omegas that had ended up in the pleasure houses. It was unlikely that Jesper would have allowed himself to be incapacitated in that way, but not impossible. They wanted to make sure that they had something to cover their bases back in their home city and country while Inej was sailing to Ravka so that she could check in with the Little Palace and Nina and Matthias went to see if Colm had any leads on where his son might be. 

While their mates were out and he wasn’t out looking for the other omega, he continued working with the Mercher Council as he had been since he had inherited the business from his father. Kaz was still giving out jobs and maintaining the Dregs’ presence in the Barrel, but the others had begun to notice that some of the Crows had gone missing. No one dared to ask either mate about what had happened to the pack or Jesper, not since Kaz had taken the sharp beak of his cane directly into the leg of the Black Tip that had decided it would be a good idea to jeer at him for it.

The reluctance to bring up what had happened to the sharp shooter and why the other Crows had suddenly disappeared like dandelion fluff on the wind was why Wylan was so surprised when he heard Rotty say, “Letter for you, Van Eck! I think that it’s from those Crows of yours.”

“Thank you,” Wylan said curtly as he took the letter from the other Dreg. Sometimes it still didn’t feel real that he was actually a respected member of the inner circle of a gang, one of the five people that Kaz Brekker trusted with his deepest secrets.

He kept a steady pace through the rest of the Silver Six until he was in the stairwell, when he rushed up to Kaz’s attic room. The two of them slept in either the lab or Kaz’s attic bed, unable to sleep in the pack bedroom because they were missing one of their own. Kaz sequestered himself away in the attic at all times now, not just when he was working on something nefarious. 

He slammed the letter down on the alpha’s desk, chest heaving from excitement. “Rotty said that this was something from our mates. What does it say?”

Kaz didn’t even jump at the loud noise that Wylan’s hand made when it slammed down onto the table. He simply wormed the letter away from the omega and flipped it over to look at the front. He sliced it open with a knife from the table, breaking the sealing wax. He dug the letter out from the confines of the envelope and then opened it with his nimble fingers that had been hidden behind the black leather of his specialized gloves ever since Jesper had disappeared. That was the one thing that they had been really struggling with while they were alone for the month it took them all to travel. Wylan needed to be touched to deal with his scent sickness and Kaz couldn’t stand the idea of even brushing up against his partner in the current moment.

Wylan forced back the worry and the panic that was beginning to form a pit in the depths of his stomach as he listened to his alpha read the letter. “Dear Wylan and Kaz, We’ve made it safely to our destination with only a small scuffle on the boat involving our brooding Fjerdan tripping over a rope. We managed to find the package that you asked us to locate. It was hidden in a field of jurda nearing the Southern Colonies. We’ve moved it to a safe location and are waiting for you to come and join us so that we can decide to do with what we found inside. Make a decision soon, Nina.”

Wylan knew that the letter was written half in code, but Nina had never been very good at that. It would have been better if she had written it in Shu or Zemini, a language that neither of them spoke and not even Kaz would be able to read. Kaz seemed to know enough what it meant as he set the letter down on his desk and began to speak his own words, “Matthias and Nina made it safely to Colm’s farm.”

“Yeah, that was about the only bit of the letter that I was able to decipher,” Wylan’s mouth twisted down in a frown. Maybe he and his partners should come up with some kind of math-based algorithm that would help him know what they were saying when they had to correspond through letters. 

“It sounds like they found Jesper, he had gone home to Novyi Zem just as Nina suspected. As soon as Inej gets back from Ravka all of us can make the journey to meet with him,” he said it as if it was another part of the business with the Dregs instead of a great revelation that they had found their missing mate.

Hearing the confirmation of what he had been so desperately hoping made Wylan sink down into the chair on the other side of Kaz’s desk. His heart was fluttering in his chest as emotions swelled up through his stomach, threatening to push it out of him entirely. He placed one of his hands over his mouth and tried desperately not to cry as he grasped the idea that his mate was really okay. Once he had dealt with the first overwhelming onslaught, he sniffled and asked, “Why can’t they just bring him home?”

“Nina was very vague about that,” Kaz frowned. “The language that she was using implies that Jesper is unable to travel back for some reason, which is accentuated by her asking us to come and see her. I’ll have to make preparations for someone that can watch over the properties while we’re gone since I’m not sure how long it’ll take us to get back.”

The omega reached over and took the paper while making sure that his body stayed to himself as Kaz spoke. The letter smelled like her, maple syrup and spun sugar with just a hint of blueberry, but also of Matthias, dark oak and crisp snow, and Jesper. The citrus of the orange had a slightly different, milky scent that Wylan wasn’t familiar with, but he was sure that it was his mate. He thought perhaps that it was Jesper’s father, since they were presumably staying with him out on the Novyi Zem frontier. Wylan couldn’t really remember what he smelled like from their brief interactions with each other.

“You mentioned staying for Inej. If Jesper is hurt then shouldn’t we go out to soothe some scent sickness or something?” he asked. He really just wanted to be reunited with the omega that he had fallen so desperately in love with, the one that had never doubted him for his inability to read and teased him until he was red around the gills.

Kaz’s mouth tilted into a frown for the second time that night. He was so stressed about his mate’s disappearance and maintaining their status among the gangs in the Barrel so that they wouldn’t become a weak target to be ganged up on. “I have quite a few things that I need to settle, but you are free to go and see him before Inej and I make it out there. I think it would be for the best, overall.”

Wylan didn’t agree with it entirely. He wanted all of his pack to be together again, he didn’t want to have to leave two of them for another three. But he knew that Kaz was right, and having three mates with Jesper would help him more than just the two. So they made arrangements for Wylan to take the next mercher boat that was traveling to Novyi Zem while Kaz worked out the last of the jobs he had in motion and decided who was going to take charge of the Dregs’ properties while he was away. It wasn’t perfect, but it was the best that they could figure out while their brains were clouded with worry.

---

The pregnancy wore on him less the further along that he got. Sedhi had been right when she said that the natural nausea and morning sickness would wear off the longer that he progressed, but he was getting more scent sick by the day. He had to take larger doses than in the beginning to make sure that his body didn’t go into early labor to try and abort the baby, as it was evident that Matthias and Nina were not the biological father. 

Even if they weren’t the person who had actually gotten Jesper pregnant, having them around helped immensely. They were assisting Jesper’s da in the field every day, which meant that he was far more likely to get enough money from the crop that year to buy a new plough horse. He had to spend a good chunk of his earnings from the jurda on temporary farm hands that would come out and help him harvest the field before the blossoms had a chance to blow away in the wind or rot on their vines. With three extra sets of hands to help him that weren’t asking for any kind if pay, he wouldn’t have to do that.

Jesper was often relegated to the barn, where he could walk back and forth in the shade of the open, breezy building while shifting jurda around so that it would dry evenly. He had also taken to packing the stuff up with a special pair of gloves that Sedhi had offered to him so that none of the stimulant would get into his system since it was bad for the growing pup.

The working day had long since ended, though, and they had retired to the house. Nina was humming to herself in the kitchen as she switched out the pie tins that she was using to bake. The house already smelled of the spices that she had gotten the last time that Colm had gone into town. She was baking something that she remembered from her childhood and wanted to see if Jesper would like. He had been craving the sweet apple pies that were sold all over Ketterdam something fierce recently and they were the closest thing that she could offer.

Colm was beside the fire, smoking on a pipe where the smoke would billow out towards the window. The smell was very similar to his own natural scent and something that Jesper had grown up smelling, so it was calming the same way that the rest of the house was. He was explaining some of the stories from Jesper’s childhood to two of his mates despite the omega’s earlier protests about it. To make sure that his son didn’t die of embarrassment before his first grandbaby had the chance to arrive, he would also sprinkle in stories of his own growing up in the Wandering Isles.

Matthias was sitting in front of the fireplace, which had gone unused since the height of the summer heat had infected the land. They were already nearing the fall equinox, which meant a party that Jesper may or may not have the energy to attend when it came around, but the heat was going to be sticking around in waves until the first snowfall. The alpha had several pieces of wood and nails around him, along with the tools that he had been using. He and Nina had argued about why he was doing it in their living room until he explained what it was.

He was making their pup’s first cradle. It was a mix of all of the cultural practices that he knew of concerning that specific part of child rearing. In Fjerda, an alpha would make their home a cradle to welcome the new child and symbolize the fact that they were going to be protecting their family just as the ring he had helped forge did. In Ravka, the cradle for a new baby had to be made within the home, either in front of the hearth or the stove, so that the domovoj could come and bless the place where the child would be sleeping so that they could watch over the little one while they grew. In the Wandering Isles, cradles were made with shells and rockers so that the child could grow used to the feeling of the waves.

That was the story that Colm was currently telling, one that Jesper had loved when he was six and trying so hard not to fall asleep in his mother’s lap.

“How are you feeling, Jes?” Nina asked from the kitchen when they got to a lull in the story.

“Tired,” he replied, trying to stifle a yawn. He was wearing some of his mother’s old wraps, the bright colors comforting but almost garish against his dark skin. His own clothes had stopped fitting a week after Nina and Matthias had gotten there, since he had apparently ‘popped’ according to the elderly woman that had come to visit them. She had also invited them to the post-harvest festival at her own farmstead, which was why Nina was baking more than a single pie. 

“If you need to go to sleep then I can put this aside for now,” Matthias said as he gestured his head down to the cradle. He was trying to get the hood that would go over the baby’s head affixed perfectly before he sealed it in. If Jesper wasn’t so exhausted, he would have offered to help with his zowa abilities. 

The omega shook his head. “I was enjoying Da’s story and I like watching you work. We’re okay,” he promised as he brushed a hand over his stomach. In a few short weeks he was going to have to stop taking his herbal remedy for good and deliver the little one. He was scared for it, but with every flutter and bump he felt from his growing baby he got more excited. It was the rush of a lifetime to think about the tiny hands and tiny feet that he could hold, the potential for greatness he would carry in his arms. His mother’s wraps for him and the one she had used for when she was laboring were already in Jesper’s room upstairs, discovered when they had been looking for her clothes.

The pup kicked at his hand when he shifted slightly. He was active most when the dusk was beginning to settle over the rolling hills of the frontier and near dawn when Jesper was getting uncomfortable from sleeping in one position for too long. Matthias and Nina had trouble keeping their hands off of him during those times, especially when he and Colm were cooking. The pup liked the songs that Matthias sang in his deep baritone when Jesper was crying from how uncomfortable he was or had just vomited up his breakfast. It was a wonderful sensation, to feel the pup calm underneath his mate’s hand and soothe from his voice.

Colm chuckled. “You always did like this story. You begged me to tell it to you before bed every night for a year,” he explained.

“I was barely even a child, Da,” Jesper moaned dramatically, keeping his eye on his mates so that he could see the smiles that were splitting their faces at his antics. He knew that he had worried them by suddenly disappearing and then with how sick he had been the last few months. It had gotten better now that they were there, but he did have a few dizzy spells and even fainted once since they had come to stay.

Before the story could start up again, a knock sounded on the door. Colm puffed the last of the tobacco in his pipe before he set it down in the little ceramic holder on the mantel that Jesper’s ma had given him for the last birthday she had been there for. He stood up and blew the smoke out as he walked over to the door to see who it was. “Can I help you?” he asked as he opened it.

Jesper craned his head to see who it was for only a moment before his stomach roiled with discontent. He leaned back against the arm that his pillows were propped up against and let his eyes close to rest and soothe the swirling nausea in his gut. 

They flew open a second later when he heard the response that their unexpected visitor gave, “Sorry, I just wanted to ask for some more directions. I was told that you here I would find the Faheys but I’m terrible with directions.”

Matthias turned towards the door, his own face splitting into a wide smile as he recognized the voice of his mate. Nina let out an excited squeal from the kitchen but didn’t come out to greet the omega like she normally would since the task she was completing required her attention. Jesper planted both of his hands down onto the couch as he tilted into a sitting position and then pushed himself up. He ignored the way that his vision swam and the concerned noise that Matthias made in the back of his throat as his long legs took him three strides to get behind his father. “You’re only good at navigating maps, merchling,” he chuckled good-naturedly.

“Jesper!” Wylan gasped, his pale face lighting up with a kind of shining excitement that Jesper had only seen when he had made a breakthrough with a piece that he was practicing.

Colm seemed to understand what was happening would be explained to him eventually and returned to his chair in the living room. Wylan stepped into the house as Jesper reached up to close the door behind the other omega. Before he even had the chance to breathe in the scent of campfire smoke and freshly cut trees, Wylan’s arms were around his neck and their lips were pressed together. He leaned down into the touch like he was a drowning man and Wylan was his air. Jesper felt another piece of him slot into place, the aching and the nausea reducing significantly now that he was no longer scent sick for another one of his mates.

“You’re here, you’re okay!” Wylan beamed, grabbing both of Jesper’s hands as he pulled back to look at his mate. “You’re… pregnant,” his eyes widened as he tilted his head down to look at Jesper’s prominent baby bump.

“Yeah, I am,” he nodded as he broke away from Wylan and placed one hand on the underside of his bump to soothe the baby. 

“Is that why you left?” Wylan asked, tearing his gaze away from his mate’s hand so that their eyes could meet.

Jesper felt more tears well up in his eyes as he gave a small nod. “I didn’t think that you would want to be a mother given everything that you’ve been through,” he shrugged weakly.

The other omega led him to the living room and sat down beside him. He shared a quick kiss with Matthias, who had stood up so that he could greet the newcomer and make sure that Jesper was okay. That was the one thing that the gunslinger could do without, the hovering from his alpha mate was getting old very quickly.

When they were comfortably sitting down on the couch, Wylan took Jesper’s hand and began to explain, “If you had asked me if I wanted to conceive I would have told you no. I know that there’s probably going to be ways to treat my affliction in the future and we would never treat our pup as I was treated, but there are so many things that I can’t do because of it. I wouldn’t want to pass that on to any child. I would like the chance to have the family that I dreamed of on those hard nights when I was a teenager. I want to help you raise this baby, Jesper, if you want me to be with you.”

“Of course I do, I just didn’t want to force any more of my stupid life decisions on you,” he laughed. He brought Wylan’s hand up to his mouth and placed a kiss onto his ring finger where the heavy iron band rested from after their mating ceremony. It was a Kerch tradition that Jesper didn’t really understand but had been willing to do if it made Kaz and Wylan feel special.

Nina had evidently finished what she had been doing in the kitchen as she was wiping her wet hands onto her apron while she walking into the living room. Her long brown hair was plated and sewn onto the back of her head, which had been done by one of the women that had come to see Jesper and give him a gift to bless his pregnancy. She was wearing a simple brown skirt with a white chemise underneath and a red embroidered apron over the top of it. Even though she was dressed down compared to how she usually looked when she was back in Ketterdam, Jesper had never seen her in a more beautiful setting. 

She smiled, warm and wide as she walked over to her omega mates. She placed a gentle kiss on both of their lips as she whispered a, “Hello, love,” to Wylan. When they had finished with their greetings, she stood up and asked, “Where are Inej and Kaz?”

“Inej wasn’t going to be back from Ravka and Kaz wanted to make sure that Jesper was as healthy as possible. You were really vague in your letter and I wasn’t able to figure out what was going on. I can’t speak for Kaz though, you know how he is,” Wylan sighed.

“We certainly do,” she laughed. “I’m glad that he sent you, the pup’s going to be arriving in the next couple of weeks and Jesper needs all the strength that he can get before that happens.”

“Why didn’t Kaz come with you?” Jesper asked, feeling a little hurt. He had been suspecting that Kaz was the father of his pup for quite a while now. It was possible that Inej was the one that gotten him pregnant but their estrus season was a hard time for her, so she spent most of her time making sure they had enough food and water in their systems instead of indulging in the sex part. 

“He wanted to wait for Inej. I think he’s scared of what’s going to come. And if he hadn’t stayed behind to wrap everything up then it could have resulted in some of the other Dregs getting hurt. That and it would have taken us at least two weeks longer to get to you,” Wylan explained. “He’s going to come as soon as Inej is back in town, I promise.”

---

It felt like Wylan’s promise was never going to come true. 

Jesper’s pregnancy got easier with every mate that came to stay with him, but he had to continue to take the same amount of the scent replacer that he had before because the father of his pup was still absent. He grew more weary and tired every day, to the point where he spent the morning napping before rousing for the afternoon and dozing in the evening. He tried to work as much as he could, but Wylan had mostly taken the place that Jesper had been filling to give the other omega the time and space he needed to rest.

The summer months crept into the middle of autumn, where the grass turned a dry white-yellow as it prepared to be layered with snow for the rest of the year. Things around the house were progressing as well. The baby’s cradle had been finished and put into the room that Jesper and his mates were sleeping in while they stayed with Colm. They had gathered up gifts from the neighboring farmsteads and some of the elderly crones in the town that they went to for supplies, which meant that they had plenty of clothes for the newborn when he decided to arrive.

Sedhi came and visited Jesper every other day when they finally passed the fall equinox. She would lay her hands on his belly and tell him that his baby was strong and a fighter before she gave him his scent replacers and warned him not to stop taking it. Once his labor started, they would be unable to stop it at that point in his pregnancy. The whole process had started to get painful and annoying enough that he nearly cried when she told him that the time had come where the baby would be strong enough to be born.

He had gone off of the scent replacers on a brisk fall morning when Colm was traveling into town so that he could get the jurda to the mercher company that had purchased it. He had specifically chosen that day so that he didn’t have to deal with his da hovering about when he was in the early stages of his labor. 

Nina was downstairs while making them breakfast. Matthias was fussing with the newest thing he was making for the pup, something he picked up just so that he had something to do with his hands that wasn’t suffocating to his pregnant mate. Wylan was upstairs with his arm lazily slung over his mate’s bump, whispering Kerch bedtime stories to the active little one. Jesper himself was trying to pay attention to how he felt since his midwife had warned him that his labor would either take days or hours, so when he decided to go off the scent replacers he needed to call for her quickly after his first couple contractions.

He didn’t notice anything different in the beginning. He felt a little sluggish and his back hurt, but nothing other than that had changed. Eventually, he got a burst of energy around noon and spent the afternoon cleaning the house with his mates. It felt good to have it restored to the state that his ma had always kept it, even if that wouldn’t last for very long. 

By the time that the sun was beginning to set low over the horizon, Jesper felt the contractions begin. They felt a bit like the practice ones had, but it didn’t scare him that time as it had when he got his first ones. He continued his slow pacing around the house while breathing in through his nose and out through his mouth to ebb the pain and the pressure away.

Wylan and Matthias stared at the clock hanging in the living room like it was going to run away from them if they didn’t, to keep track of the pace of Jesper’s contractions. “Do you want us to go find Sedhi?” Nina asked when she noticed the second pain he had, about twenty minutes after the first one.

“I have a feeling that my labor is going to be the long kind. We should let her sleep so that at least one of us can be at our best tomorrow,” he chuckled. He knew that after his disappearance at the beginning of his pregnancy none of his mates were going to be able to sleep now that their pup was actually coming. Nina was nervous surrounding medical procedures because of her Grisha abilities. Matthias was overly protective and wanted to ease any pain or discomfort that any of them felt. Wylan was horrible when it came to dealing with adrenaline and would be shaky and weak in a few hours time.

They settled in for the long haul. Nina fluttered in and out of the kitchen with hot chocolate, tea, and jam on bread to help Jesper keep his strength up. Matthias started a fire up in the hearth to keep away the bad spirits, muttering prayers and Fjerdan that he would explain to them after he said them. Wylan sat on the couch and wrote down the times of Jesper’s contractions and around how long they had lasted.

Jesper tried to sit and doze in between the pains, but he was uncomfortable the entire time. He moved from pacing the length of the house to kneeling beside the couch with his head pillowed in a variety of mate’s laps. Nina had even drawn him a bath for the early stages of his labor when his waters had no chance of breaking to see if it would help him feel better at all. 

He became nauseous when the morning finally rolled around and the sun began to peak through the drawn blinds of the house. His skin felt tender with the need for two pairs of hands that weren’t there for him. The pain was almost unbearable and only a few minutes closer together than it had been when they began the night before. He couldn’t find a position in which he could get comfortable and didn’t want to make the trek upstairs so that he wouldn’t be trapped there yet.

Nina finally persuaded him to give the squatting from his mother’s Zemini silks a try, laboring as she had. He agreed to do it because she knew all the buttons to push even though his mind felt like a jumble of indecipherable noises and sounds. He found that leaning against the bedposts with his legs spread apart helped, as did being supported by the swing part of the silks. 

He heard the horses and the cart sometime around noon and knew that his da must have been worried. It took from morning to early evening to get from Shriftport all the way to their home on the frontier, so to get home at the time he did, he would have either had to push their team to the near breaking point or left very early.

Jesper was sipping at soups when he heard new voices downstairs and assumed that Wylan had finally come back with Sedhi. They decided that his labor was progressing enough that they wanted to have an experienced pair of hands to help out after the other mates had eaten and Jesper had moved upstairs.

“I feel as though I’m dying,” Jesper moaned weakly as he sunk down into the same squatting position he always did when he got a contraction. Nina had to help him up to standing so that he could pace whenever they passed, but if she was annoyed she certainly didn’t show a single trace of it. The pain and the pressure around his gravid belly were the only things in his mind for a long while before he finally came back to himself. His throat was beginning to get sore from the noises that escaped him whenever he got a contraction.

“Jesper?” Kaz asked, sounding just as hoarse as Jesper felt.

The omega’s head whipped a little too quickly towards the sound of his alpha’s voice and he promptly burst into tears. “Please don’t be upset with me, I had to hide it from you and come here, I wasn’t trying to betray you and I promise that the pup is yours,” he blabbered.

“He’s been very worried,” Nina explained as she unwove the silks from around Jesper’s hands to help him stand up again. He had changed into a birthing gown after his bath, so the pink fabric hung off of him in billowing beauty, but hugged at his swollen stomach.

“This… this is why you left?” Kaz asked, swallowing hard enough that they all noticed.

Inej shoved her way past the alpha so that she was standing in front of her omega. She had no doubt already greeted Matthias to cure their scent sickness for her. She placed both of her deadly hands on either side of Jesper’s face and then leaned in so that she could place a tender kiss on his nose. “You didn’t have to run from us or hide from us, Jes, this is a blessing. You’re giving me a second chance at having the life my parents had wanted for me,” she murmured against his lips.

When they broke apart, she brushed their necks together and let out a contented sigh as the smell of open aired fields and wild flowers coated the skin of his mating gland. He felt better than he had in months, but still uncomfortable and sickly because of the labor and lack of attention from Kaz.

The beta stepped back so that she and Nina could greet each other again. The two of them had a relationship that was different and unique to the ones that the other members of the pack had with them, so it was special for them to get to reunite and talk in the tongue that Inej remembered from her childhood. The second that the beta was gone, Jesper knew that there was nothing standing between him and his alpha. He half assumed that Kaz would react to him the same way that Matthias had done, borderline animalistic and overwhelmed by his instinct.

He realized almost as soon as the thought crossed his mind that it was a stupid assumption. Kaz was the one to have the most control when they were in estrus and the only times that he ever let his instincts get the better of him was when they called out to him when they were hurt. Jesper wasn’t going to stoop low enough to do that manipulation tactic, not when he knew that he was safe in the house with the rest of his pack and he had dug himself into the hole he was in now.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, feeling tears pooling in the corners of his eyes. His body ached and he was exhausted. He felt more nauseous than he had since the scent sickness kicked in around the beginning of his pregnancy. He wanted to sleep, he wanted the pain to be gone, and he wanted Kaz most of all. He highly doubted that he was going to get any of those things.

Kaz leaned heavily on his cane as he stepped forward so that he was properly in front of his mate. He reached one of his gloved hands up and cupped Jesper’s cheek, which the omega eagerly leaned into despite the fact that it could (and had, when they were young, dumb teenagers trying to make their way in the world) lead to pain.

He drew his hand back almost like he had been burned when there was a shifting on the floor below them. Tears began to drip down the omega’s face as he desperately wished for the touch of his alpha, the scent of the baby’s father, anything to ease the ever-present sensitivity on his skin. 

The alpha in question shifted so that he was holding his cane a little tighter, both hands resting over the metal head Jesper himself had helped make. It felt like they were in their own little bubble, hiding away from the rest of the world, like nothing had changed since after their trip over the fold, before the Ice Court, before the fight with Van Eck or Pekka Rollins. Of course, he was reminded of when and where he was when the strong fall breeze brushed through his window, carrying the smell of drying hay from the next farmstead over. 

“Jesper, you must promise me something,” Kaz whispered. 

“Anything, alpha, please just don’t be mad at me,” Jesper sobbed. The noise emerged from him before he even realized that it was building in the back of his throat. He felt broken and raw now that the thing he had wanted so badly was in front of him and yet still out of reach.

Kaz startled at the noise, like he had missed out on what was happening as well. He reached out and took the lanky omega into his arms so that they were pressed as close as their height difference and the bump would allow. He turned his head to the side and pressed his seasalt chapped lips to the curve of Jesper’s cheek and then whispered into the shell of his ear, “You have to promise that you will never, ever do something like this again.”

“The baby?” the omega asked, his voice small and scared in the back of his throat.

“No, leaving me. You didn’t tell me what was really going on and I knew that you hadn’t just decided to up and leave us because I’m not stupid. I thought that you were in danger. And you were. When you’re not within my reach there’s nothing that I can do to protect you, and that’s my job one of your alphas and your pack leader. You’re vulnerable now,” he paused when he felt the muscles underneath his hand shift.

Jesper grit his teeth together and tried to stay in the moment so that he could hear the words that he had been dreaming of for at least two seasons, but the pain was overwhelming. It traveled up his spine until it reached his waist and then wrapped around his abdomen like a vice. “Sorry,” he mumbled as he released the fabric of Kaz’s coat and placed his hands down on the bedpost. 

Immediately, Nina recognized what was happening and rushed over to help him. While Matthias and Wylan had also been helping him labor, she was the one that refused to leave his side since she knew the most about childbirth out of the three of them. She was rubbing small, soothing circles on his back and coaxing him to remember to breathe. 

“What’s going on?” Kaz asked, looking between his mates with wide eyes. He looked younger than they had seen him look in a long time, human instead of the monster that he had created for himself after his trauma. 

Inej walked up beside him and pushed his hand back down when he tried to reach out for Jesper. She only allowed him to do so when the omega haphazardly reached out towards them. “He’s in labor, love,” she explained softly, compassionately. 

“Labor?” Kaz gawked between the two coherent Crows like Inej had something completely unfounded and untrue.

The pain had finally passed and Jesper was able to right himself. He kept his eyes closed, scrubbing his face with the hand that wasn’t holding onto Kaz. He shifted back and forth to try and soothe what was left as he said, “Yeah, the baby is coming soon.”

Inej reached out so that she had taken her alpha’s other hand. “I think that you’re going to have to change out of that suit and anything else you don’t want getting messy,” she chuckled. She and Nina were having some kind of silent conversation with each other that Jesper couldn’t be bothered to try and read into.

“Why?” Kaz asked, sounding almost like a toddler.

“I know that you aren’t very familiar with processes like this Kaz, but the baby isn’t just going to magically appear in Jesper’s arms. There’s going to be quite a bit of blood and other things that will definitely stain clothing,” Nina laughed. She jerked her head over to the silks, which were stained from the other births that had happened over the top of them. 

“Right,” he nodded as he turned and walked towards the bathrooms without saying goodbye. It still ached when he pulled away, but Jesper knew that he was going to be herded back into the room as soon as Inej had gotten him to snap out of the panic that he was in.

Jesper slowly lowered himself down onto the edge of the bed. His labor was creeping on dreadfully slowly and it was still wearing him out so badly. He felt another piece of him finally settle into place when Wylan and Matthias came back up into the room, following by Sedhi.

“I’ve heard that our baby is going to be coming soon!” she beamed, speaking in Zemini. He was glad that he was having his baby in the home that he had been born in, with the language that his mother had spoken surrounding him. 

He gave the older omega a nod as he reached out for his other mates. Kaz may have been back, but his body was wracked with nerves about what was going to be happening. He wanted his mother to be there to hold his hand and reassure him that he was doing well, not that Nina hadn’t been doing a wonderful job of it. Matthias walked over first, leaning down and kissing the top of his head. “Do you want to take a nap in the nest after Sedhi has finished checking you?”

“Yes, please,” he nearly started crying as the reality that he could rest at least a little bit during the process washed over him.

The omega in question had walked over to the basin so that she could scrub her hands clean. Once they were, she knelt down in front of Jesper while Nina helped him tip back so that she could get in between his legs. Sedhi carefully inserted two of her fingers into his vagina so that she could tell how far he had progressed. She had done that a couple of times before he had gone off of the scent replacers just to make sure that everything was still okay. 

“How long have you been having the pains, sweetheart?” she asked.

“Almost a full day,” he replied in Kerch before he repeated it in the language that she understood. He looked up, mostly to turn his head towards Nina so he could distract himself from the uncomfortableness of the examination but then saw that Kaz was there. 

He was wearing his slacks still, along with his belt, but his feet were bare and he had one of Colm’s shirts on. Behind him, Inej had striped out of her knife-laden belt and into one of the work dresses that Nina had been using, sinched down into a usable size by one of the beaded belts Jesper’s mother had used to wear. The alpha’s face was pale and he looked a little shaky. He stepped into the room and walked over to the side that Nina was on, taking her side. Jesper only noticed that his hands were also bare when their fingers wove together. “You’ve been in this much pain for that long, treasure?”

“Yeah,” he nodded, letting his eyes fall shut. He set his head down on Kaz’s shoulder and pressed his nose into the alpha’s neck so that he was overwhelmed with the smell of poppies and ink. “I was on scent replacers my entire pregnancy which can fuck up the labor. First babies always come pretty slow too.”

Sedhi finished examining him and then stood up so that the mate-pack could be close to each other without a newcomer to worry about. “You’re making good progress, Jesper, but it is going to be slow,” she said in Zemini. Nina translated for the others so that they could understand what was happening too. “I think that we’re going to meet baby sometime tomorrow morning.”

He felt like he was going to unravel at that news, but he was quickly put back together by a reassuring squeeze to his hand from Wylan next to him. Sedhi noticed the look and smiled comfortingly at him, looking every bit like Jesper hoped his mother would. He missed her so much. She then asked, “Who do you want to be with you when the pup is coming?”

“All of them, please. My da can come into the room after but I don’t want him to be in here, worrying about me, while the baby is coming,” he explained.

She nodded in understanding. “I remember my grandmother teasing him about how he had been when you came. I promise that we’ll keep him busy with tasks downstairs. Send one of your mates if you need me, alright?”

They were finally, blissfully alone in the upper room that Jesper had spent most of his childhood in. He let out a low breath as some of the tension began to dissolve from his body. He slowly rose into a standing position and let go of Kaz and Wylan as he made the needed modifications to his nest so that they would fit. Inej and Kaz immediately took the offered fabric items from Nina and scented them to add to the mess of blankets already on the mattress.

Eventually, everything felt like it was the perfect place so Jesper settled down so that he could sleep in between his contractions. Inej tucked herself into his front, their foreheads pressed together. His hand was underneath her so that he could hold onto Matthias to reassure the alpha that he was okay. Wylan and Nina curled up at the end of the bed with the tea that Colm had made them to help keep them warm since Jesper was hot enough that he had to have the window open. Kaz settled in directly behind the pregnant omega, up against the wall, with his arms looped underneath the swollen lump of his belly. He felt tired, worn down, and he was still in a good deal of pain, but there was no longer the stinging wrongness that he always got when he was scent sick.

---

Kaz couldn’t believe what was actually happening to them. He knew that something big had to have happened for Jesper to leave them at all, but he still hadn’t quite been expecting a baby when he stepped into the little farmhouse. He supposed that they still had quite a few more hours before the baby actually arrived.

He and Inej had gotten off of the boat and met up with Colm in Shriftport early that morning before they raced back to the farmhouse so that they could get to their omega mate as quickly as possible. He had refused to show it to his other mates, knowing that Inej was the one that held his heart physically in her hands and was thus able to withdraw all previously hidden vulnerabilities from him, but he had been more worried about Jesper than he thought capable. Guilt had wracked his mind until Inej had talked him down from his panic attack, the image of his omega mate moaning in pain with each contraction seared into the front of his mind.

The labor was progressing slowly but with every groan and shift from the laboring gunslinger, they knew that it was really happening and there was no avoiding it. They napped for the rest of the afternoon and then took dinner up in their small room, locked away from the outside world. It was only when the autumn sun was singing red and yellow over the harvested fields that Sedhi came to bother them more than she had before. Jesper’s contractions had been about ten minutes apart when Kaz arrived, but now that he was there things were beginning to progress quicker. They reached almost five minutes an hour after the sun had gone down.

Jesper was currently standing with his head against the cool white painted wood that lined the sil of the window, letting the autumn breeze roll onto him. Wylan was next to him with a cup of water, encouraging their pregnant mate to sip from it. He also had a damp cloth in his hands that he would use to wipe the beads of sweat off of Jesper’s forehead. Nina was puttering around the room as she and Matthias argued about baby names, both of them giving more and more ridiculous ones as time went on. Inej was perched on the edge of the bed, praying for a safe delivery for the first pup from their pack and a healthy life for her omega. Kaz was staring at the crib that was tucked into the corner of the room, decorated in shells and dual rockers on the bottom. 

He removed the good luck coin that he had tucked into his pocket, desperate for any chance to improve his ability to see his mate while leaving Ketterdam. He tucked the item underneath the layers of blankets that had been used to cushion the wooden structure. It was something that he remembered his father telling him that his mother had done when Kaz was born. It was supposed to bless the child and give them prosperity in the future. He didn’t believe in anything like that, prosperity was something that he would give to his child, but he wanted to feel close to the mother he had never gotten to know.

“Kaz,” Jesper groaned as another one of his pains washed over him. 

The alpha turned and was behind him in a second. He placed both of his hands on Jesper’s back and began to rub with just enough pressure that the muscles released when the contraction had finally ended. “Saints, how do people do this more than once?”

“Well, when you don’t have birth control you don’t have any other choice,” Nina chuckled. “And I’ve heard that the reward is rather nice, too.”

Kaz’s hands dipped just a little bit so that he was touching the swollen mound on his mate’s front. Jesper had just enough muscle to not be considered waifish, so it was strange to see the way that his body had changed in the few short seasons that they had been separated. “You’ll never have to do it again if you don’t want to,” he said softly. It was more tenderness and caution than he had ever spoken in his entire life, but he knew that his mate deserved it with everything that he was enduring because of him.

“Maybe Nina will be right and the baby will make me want to do it again,” he mumbled. He shifted a little bit so that he was standing again. His pretty gray eyes were closed, which prevented Kaz from being able to see them the way that he wanted to. “With at least three other people being able to carry pups I’m not sure I’d volunteer myself that quickly, though.”

That got a ripple of laughter from the mate-pack. They didn’t know if they were going to take to parenting well, Kaz was terrified of it, but there was nothing that they could do to stop the imminent arrival of their first pup.

“Ugh,” Jesper groaned as he began to get another contraction. He leaned heavily against Kaz and took Matthias’ hand when the other alpha walked over to where they were. Kaz hadn’t been there for the duration of his pregnancy or the early stages of the omega’s labor, but he could already see how Jesper was relaxing by having his mates surrounding him. He helped his omega rock back and forth to soothe some of the ache while he worked through it, startling a little bit when he heard the sound of water hitting the floor.

“What was that?” Wylan asked, removing himself from the inside of the nest so that he could rush over to examine the noise.

Jesper’s eyes were wide and his body had gone a little bit rigid. “I think my water just broke,” he mumbled as he turned his head down to see the growing puddle of fluid on the ground.

Inej gave a little nod and then darted out of the room so that she could go and get the midwife. Sedhi returned with the beta a moment later and leaped into motion. She got a towel from the stack that they had in the corner of the room so clean up the floor and Jesper’s legs. They moved him over to the silks hanging from the ceiling while she scrubbed her hands so that she could check his progress again. “I have good news, the baby should be coming faster than we originally thought,” she told him once she had finished the examination.

“Thank the Saints,” he breathed. Kaz knew how he was feeling to an extent. While the idea of becoming parents so soon was terrifying, he also hated to see his mate in pain and wanted the process to be over sooner rather than later.

The older omega hovered around the room more than she had before. She still let them be for the most part so that Jesper could feel calm and safe without the presence of someone outside of his mate-pack. She came and checked what was happening more often than she had before, though. The contractions seemed to increase in intensity and frequency exponentially after his waters had broken, which left him ready to push sometime around midnight instead of the next morning when they had been anticipating.

He had gotten a lot quieter than he had been in the beginning of his labor. Back when Kaz had first arrived, he had managed a couple of quick jokes in between the pains. The quietest that he had been was when he was actively having a contraction or when they had all taken their afternoon nap. Now the only sounds that he was letting out were quiet groans into his arms wherever he was leaning or squatting during the pains. He whimpered whenever Kaz got more of a foot away from him, so the alpha stayed directly by his side.

Kaz and Wylan went back and forth while mopping his face with a cool cloth to keep the sweat from his dark skin. Nina made sure that he was still sipping at some water and as comfortable as he could. Inej did everything that she could to help but she was desperately out of her comfort zone since she had never encountered that kind of situation.

When the time finally came to push. Jesper wrapped his arms around the silks hanging from the ceiling and squatted down. The short birthing gown that he had been wearing was hiked up around his knees so that Sedhi could see the progress that he was making. Kaz was behind him, rubbing at his hips and kissing the juncture of his neck and shoulder to remind him that he was there. Wylan was on the other side of him, moping off his face and wetting his lips with the cloth. Matthias was on the other side to help support him if he got wobbly after being in the position for too long. Nina and Inej were standing beside Sedhi with towels and the other tools that they would need for after the baby was born.

“I know that your body is telling you to push, Jesper, so do it when you feel it’s right. Remember to breathe when you can. No shouting either, focus all of that attention on bringing your little pup into the world,” Sedhi instructed after he had gotten down into his position.

“Okay,” he whimpered weakly. He let his eyes fall shut as another one of the contractions rushed over him. He was clinging to the silks like he would be ripped out into an ocean if he even let up a little bit. A small grunt left his lips as he pushed with all of his might, his head coming forward so that it was pressing onto his chest. When the pain left and he finished, he leaned back into Kaz. The alpha in question murmured the few words he knew in Zemini, all pet names and affectionate phrases, into the shell of his ear. The omega seemed to preen at that, so he made sure to do it every time.

They fell into an easy pattern like that. It took about twenty minutes before the head of the baby finally began to crown. “There we are, you’re doing wonderfully, I can see the head,” Sedhi beamed in Zemini. Nina had been translating for her the entire time, though she paraphrased the most recent sentence with her own excitement.

“Can I feel?” Jesper asked, chest heaving for breath. When the older omega nodded, he unwove one of his hands from the silks, which caused Matthias to grasp his elbow to keep him steady. Jesper reached his hand down between his legs and let his hand brush against the coils of hair on the top of their pups head where it was peaking out of him.

Jesper was calling out more than he had been when he was pushing before, his face contorted in pain. “Saints!” he gasped as the final push birthed the head into Sedhi’s waiting hand. 

“Well done, Jesper,” Kaz breathed. He blinked up from where he had been staring at his omega and the midwife cleaning off their baby’s head and helping him turn. The other mates were all staring at Jesper like he was making the constellations, like his skilled hands had crafted the stars that hung bright in the sky. He knew the feeling, what was happening was bloody and primal but Jesper looked so elegant and beautiful while he was doing it.

Once Sedhi had finished helping the baby turn around and had checked to make sure that the umbilical cord wasn’t around his neck, Jesper was instructed to push again. This time it only took two pushes before the baby slipped entirely out of him and into the midwife’s waiting hands. “You’ve got a little omega!” Sedhi said before the room erupted in excited noises in honor of the new arrival.

Kaz had been instructed on what to do when the baby was born, so helped Jesper lean back so that he was propped up against the alpha with his legs extended out in front of him. The newborn was tilted so that he was resting on his mother’s chest while Wylan helped the other omega move his birthing gown to reveal his skin. 

“Hi there, Saints, you’re really finally here,” Jesper whispered as he released the hand that Kaz had taken so that he could hold their pup. He had happy tears rushing down his face while his long fingers began to trail over the coily hair on their pup’s forehead, not caring a single bit about the blood and fluids that were caked on the dark skin. Their pup was a little bit lighter than Jesper currently, but still had all of the Zemini hallmarks that they had gotten so attached to. Kaz could see his own nose and jaw shape already forming on the pudgy face of the newborn, which made his heart flutter.

Inej was staring, transfixed on the tiny being that Jesper had just brought into the world. Kaz looked up to her for guidance as he felt his entire heart burst in his chest. She gave him a watery smile as she knelt down beside them, almost on top of Wylan, so that she could get a good look at their pup.

“You did so well, Jes,” Matthias praised. He turned to the newborn and brushed his own hand over the messy back of their newborn. Over the crying that began to emit from their baby’s little mouth, he said, “Velkommen til verden, lille skat. Jeg sværger at passe på dig og beskytte dig så længe jeg kan.”

Nina was crying as she helped Sedhi tie off the cord with part of one of Jesper’s mother’s dress in two places. They cut in the middle and then the pup was moved to the beta’s hands so that she could take him over to the little tub where he would get his first bath. Jesper turned his head to follow his baby, instincts already raging inside of him since the newborn hadn’t stopped wailing yet. Kaz knew what he was experiencing, it felt as though if the baby was not within grabbing distance then he was too far away.

They still had business to attend to before they could really get to settle in with their pup, however. Jesper delivered the afterbirth and Sedhi set it aside after making sure that it was whole so that she could dispose of it in the traditional Zemini way. She checked to make sure that he was also whole, and after that let his mates tend to him while checking over the baby to make sure every finger, toe, and hair was properly in place.

Wylan and Inej helped Jesper get cleaned off so that he didn’t feel as sticky as he had before. They changed him into the special garments that would help them track his bleeding and let him be comfortable enough to nurse their newborn before he settled back into the nest. Kaz changed his own clothes since he had gotten a little bit messy from his place in the delivery. Soon they were all burrowed into the nest, Nina having returned their pup to Jesper’s chest where he belonged. Sedhi had left with the remnants of the delivery other than the silks hanging from the ceiling so that they could focus only on their new pup and a promise of Colm coming to visit them soon.

Jesper had shifted enough to let the pup latch onto his breast and get his first meal. Kaz was leaning onto his side so that he could brush his fingers over the soft spirals of hair on the newborn’s head. Several years ago he wouldn’t have even dreams of that being a reality he could live in. Back then he hadn’t even been able to hug his mates without them and him being entirely clothed. Now he had taken his gloves off and was willfully reaching out to touch his eldest child like it was going to give him a panic attack if it didn’t.

Wylan and Matthias were on the other side of Jesper, marveling at the baby with soft expressions. Nina was sitting at the end of the bed with her arms wrapped around Inej, watching the scene with the softest look she had worn in a very long time.

After the baby had finished feeding, Jesper and the pup both stifled a yawn. The omega finally said, “I know that you were all talking about Kerch names but… I was hoping that we could name him after my mother. I at least want a Zemini name, I feel like I have to pass that part of me down to him.”

None of them were going to object to that. “I think that Aditi is a wonderful name for him,” Kaz replied softly. “Do you want him to have my surname or yours?”

“Yours,” Jesper whispered like it was the most closely-guarded secret in the world.

“Aditi Reitveld,” the alpha murmured as he brushed his nose to the temple of his omega’s head, his bare fingers still trailing over their baby’s head.

Jesper turned his face up towards Kaz, moving away from staring at his newborn for the first time since he had been handed the little omega back. “Are you sure that you want him to have your birth surname? I thought that Kaz Reitveld died on the Reaper’s Barge,” he whispered.

Kaz closed his eyes and took in a low breath. It was overwhelming to be reminded of the trauma that he had faced while circled by the people that he loved, but it had been a long time since he had started his healing journey so he was able to handle it. The steady pressure of Inej’s foot against his leg reminded him that the people he was surrounded by were blissfully alive. “He can’t go around with the name Brekker, it would mark him as a target immediately. And Kaz Reitveld never died, he just had to appear to die so that Brekker could take his place. The coin never really leaves the hands of the magician.”

The omega laughed a little before he was unable to stifle his second yawn. They all cuddled into the bed to sleep for a few hours. After that they would introduce the baby to Colm and their life would go on, whatever form that was going to take from that moment forward.

[darklydeliciousdesires]

Sexy Little Doll - An Angel Reyes/Reader/OC Smut Short.

You + Angel + his gorgeous wife? Have at it, besties!

Words - 749

Warnings - Smut below the cut (threesome) Minors DNI!

“Who do you belong to, beautiful?”

Your reply is breathless, laboured, glimmers rushing beneath your skin as nerve endings bounce and muscles cord. 

“You,” you sigh, your body arching like a bow, four hands stroking over your tingling skin. “Both of you.” 

“Mmmm, that’s right, our beautiful, sexy little doll.” To have Nina Reyes, a woman so gorgeous speak of you like that, it makes your heart skip a beat. Angel’s wife is simply stunning, reminding you of a curvy Angelina Jolie, all dark hair, blue eyes, and oh, her lips. When he married her, you envied them both, two people so impossibly beautiful getting to enjoy one another for the rest of their lives. That was, until they made it very clear that they desired you, too.  

You have never been lead as willingly to anywhere as you were to their bed, the place you know lie, Nina’s tongue skimming over your hip, while Angel leaves a path of kisses descending your inner thigh, their mouths meeting in the middle. 

They kiss one another with heated adoration before two tongues begin to snake their way through your folds, serpentine licks sending the prickle of icy flames roaring through your core. They jointly lap at your clit, caressing it either side, smiling as they do to hear your unashamed wails, before one tongue follows the other, your legs shaking, cunt throbbing with every tingle they evoke.  

The way they moan as they do it, quiet, but with barely contained lust, cool and dark eyes watching you intently as they eat you with expert finesse, tongues laving at you, Angel shifting down a little to tongue fuck your glossy opening, Nina moving up, wrapping the swell of you bud in her sumptuous lips and sucking softly.  

“God, it turns me on so much, licking this perfect, wet little cunt,” she purrs, tongue beating against you rapidly.  

“I can help you with that, if you want to come climb right on my face?” 

She makes a sensual noise of approval. “Oh, darling. When do I not?” Leaving her husband to solely focus on orally ruining you, she moves to straddle your head, lowering herself to your mouth, a soft hum of satisfaction leaving her perfect lips as yours make contact with her, the suck you take ending in a puckered kiss, repeating the action, your tongue dragging between her folds hungrily.  

You’ve been with women before, but none that look, smell and taste as exquisite as Nina, with her pussy that trickles a nectar not unlike the taste of sharp caramel onto your tongue, your hands moving to squeeze her gorgeous, full breasts, rolling her pierced nipples between your thumbs and forefingers as you let her ride your tongue, her nails reaching to stroke a sublime tickle up and down your torso, all the while with Angel sucking on you with ardent greed. 

He eats you fervently, like a half-starved predator devouring its kill, your hands gripping onto his wife’s thighs in lieu of being able to reach him, your own legs closing around his head as you writhe against his mouth, Angel groaning wantonly as your feet come to rest upon his broad shoulders.  

“Ohhh, fuck, fuck, fuck! He’s too good!” you wail, laughing a little, the pleasure of his tongue beating over your clit bordering on too much.  

Nina chuckles softly, reaching to comb her well-manicured nails through your hair. “Isn’t he? Oh, you’re about to get the best part of him, though.” He moves to kneel before you, pushing your legs apart and teasing your folds, dragging his thick cock over them, fucking your slit until you whimper before sliding inside you, a shuddered breath fluttering against Nina before you continue circling her clit.  

Angel reaches for her, wrapping her in his arms, turning her head to indluge her in hot, messy kisses, squeezing her tits, her moan filling the room when you slip two fingers into her wet cunt, Angel moving a hand to slip over your hip, his thumb reaching to drag over your clit, glimmers coursing through you as his cock glides effortlessly back and forth.  

Your entire body glimmers with sumptuous, erotic energy, just the three of you there in the naked light. You know they’ve probably ruined all other sexual encounters for you going forward, but being theirs to enjoy for as long as they want you to be is something you’ll never be in a rush to have come to an end.