#that had to have been one of the funniest things i've ever seen in my life

[russellsppttemplates]

Lando calling his wife "lovie" got me 🥹🥹🥹

And just the image of him cooing about a milk drunk baby is enough to send my ovaries into combustion!

Would you maybe write a little bit more about it, like maybe Lando posting or sending his family pictures of his milk drunk babies because he thinks it is the cutest/funniest thing?

Note: you and me both, anon!

"Tell me this isn't the cutest, squishiest face you have ever seen!", Lando groaned softly as he admired your babygirl while he walked in the Silverstone paddock, "I have to admit that's a pretty cute baby", Ted said into his microphone.

"Pretty cute? Tilly is the cutest", Lando stated, adjusting the hat on her head to shield her face from the sunshine that graced his home race weekend, "she has her tummy full and she was out like a light, nothing can bother her, she's in her own little world", Lando smiled, delighting everyone who saw the infections of the new father and his babygirl.

"It's extra special, no? Your home race, your family is here - the youngest Norris is here too - and a pole position that by the looks of it could get you a home race win", Ted wondered.

"Yes, it definitely is, we're not taking anything for granted until we race, obviously, but the spirits are definitely high", he smiled, kissing Matilda's cheek as she made a little noise, "I had another question to ask you but this little one made it fly out of my brain, actually", Ted chuckled as he shook his head.

"She usually has that effect on people, you can't really pay attention to anything else", Lando smiled proudly.

.

"Little man is down, was absolutely milk drunk and went out like a light", you said as Lando stepped out of the en suite bathroom, crawling up to you in bed and stroking the baby's soft cheeks, "He's so sleepy, look at him", you cooed, "he fell asleep with my nipple still in his mouth, I barely got a burp out of him before he was knocked right out", you smiled.

"We make really cute kids, don't we, lovie?", Lando said, resting his head on your chest and facing Fraser, and from your point of view, it was clear this baby would become a Lando clone soon enough.

"So far, they all look the most like you, so you're really just tooting your own horn", you scoffed playfully, "these cute cheeks and pouty lips, lovie? They're all you", Lando charmed, making you blush.

.

"Can you give her the bottle, please?", you asked Lando, "I need to make sure Matilda is not doodling instead of doing her homework", you kissed Lando's lips and baby Charlotte's cheek.

"Let's warm this up for you, babygirl", Lando said as he put the milk in the bottle and popped it in the warmer, "you're hungry, aren't you? And fighting sleep so I've heard - you gave mummy a full on afternoon", he giggled, pulling funny faces as she giggled at her father's antics.

"Off we go then, open up - there we go, Lottie", he smiled as she suckled, finally get her tummy full as he walked around bouncing her, "hopefully you'll sleep because you really need it, and that way you can also give mummy a little bit of a rest, just so enough me and her can have a cuddle, you know?", he playfully tsked, "you've been stealing all of my cuddles", he giggled as he looked at her precious face. Life had been generous enough with him - he had the woman of his dreams, a career he loved and their three little ones. Life was good.

After burping Charlotte, Lando rocked her to sleep, which didn't prove to be very hard as she was milkdrunk as ever, her little mouth opened as she rested on his chest.

"Tilly is doing fine and Fraser is happily playing with his toys", you said as you sat down on the sofa next to your husband, your daughter happily sleeping on his chest, "take a picture of this cute face and send it to the groupchat, please", Lando whispered as he gave you his phone so you could dot it.

Lando: Look at this cutie 🥰

Flo: Look at her chubby cheeks, I can't!

Cisca: She looks so out-of-it-milkdrunk, I bet she's having a good nap!

Lovie: Seeing her like this almost makes it look like she wasn't wide awake the whole afternoon - she never closed those big eyes, she was always staring at me!

Adam: look at our little girl 😍

"You're so loved, babygirl", you said, brushing the hairs on her head, cuddling closer to your husband.

"Finally I am the one getting a cuddle from mummy", Lando cheered, kissing your lips, "jealous much, handsome?", you teased, "just wanted a cuddle from you, woman! This one has hogged your boobs from me - I have to take what I can get!".

(Thank you for sending this in ✨️)

[grudgecollector]

Trip Sitter | Nam-gyu / Reader / Thanos

HEADCANONS & DRABBLE

Pairing: Nam-gyu & Choi Su-bong (Thanos) / GN!Reader

Summary: The three of you do shrooms.

Tags/Warnings: Drug use, swearin, suggestive themes, implied sex while intoxicated

A/N: So I used to do shrooms with my ex, so this is written with personal experience.

The concept has been living inside of my head for like four days now. So finally I've come around to finish it.

Now realistically would I ever do shrooms with these bozos? HELL NO. Well... Maybe. But first timers doing shrooms with them? Bad call.

ᯓ First time? Congratulations you’ve just made both the best and worst decision anyone could make under this circumstance.

Best because they’re both experienced. Worst because they are terrible trip sitters. Kind of.

ᯓ The come up is always the worst. That gripping nausea that holds you down to the bed, eyes shut, focusing on your breathing to stop yourself from throwing up. You felt like the room was spinning around you every time you cracked an eye open. You were trying to be brave.

ᯓ Nam gyu would absolutely be the type to say"

“the cops are actually on their way right now.” "Dude your mom just texted me, and told me she wants to talk to you right now." "I think there's someone outside the window..." (he will say this when it's night time specifically) "Did you hear that? Was that someone saying your name?"

Let's just say that if you scare easily, this trip is not going to be very fun. And you have eight hours to deal with it.

ᯓ If you start crying though, Nam-gyu will be the one to pull you into his chest. Comforting you, trying not to move too much and shushing you quietly.

Su bong would be sitting at the end of the bed watching with worried eyes. He doesn’t want to risk overstimulating you too much, as that is a very frequent thing that can and will happen.

ᯓ First trips are INTENSE. All of these emotions you’re feeling coming to the forefront so suddenly. A floodgate absolutely will burst.

ᯓ Su bong would be the one to pull up TikTok. Which is always a gamble when scrolling through while on shrooms. Especially if you’re still getting visuals. Either the funniest videos in the world will show up, or the most horrifying thing you’ve ever seen will be bestowed upon you.

ᯓ Nam gyu is the one who gets an idea to build a fire outside. The come up hasn’t hit any of you yet, so you have a good forty minutes to build this fire. You and Su-bong pull some chairs off the patio, pulling them close enough to be able to feel the fire and watch it.

ᯓ Walks with them while on shrooms is honestly the most peaceful though. If you’re walking through a path in the woods, sunlight streaming through the leaves, it’s absolutely gorgeous. It’s like you’re seeing the world through a different lens.

The leaves on the trees would look like they're sparkling, the bark would look like it's breathing, pulsing slowly back and forth. The three of you take your time outside, stopping and watching nature.

ᯓ Out of the three of you, Su-bong is the one who gets after-shrooms depression the most. It's pretty simple, once the high goes away you just feel empty and depressed. All of those intense feelings now dissipated back into how they were before.

ੈ✩‧₊˚༺‧₊˚

"Holy fuck dude...." Su-bong whispered, the grip he had on his phone tightened before he dropped it into his lap. A hand came up to his face as he tried to contain his laughter. "I am so fucked up right now."

You glanced over at his phone to see the front facing camera was open. The icons on that weren't covered by his hand were swaying in your eyes, almost like they were going to crawl off the screen.

Goosebumps rose up on your skin when you felt Nam-gyu's fingers trail up your bicep. He was laying down on the bed, curled into your side, listening to your steady heartbeats.

Su-bong was sat crisscross at the end of the bed, your feet pushed up against his shin. You couldn't stop staring at his hair, it looked like it was blowing in a subtle breeze, every time he moved the color seemed to leave a translucent trail before settling back on his head.

His eyes almost seemed to twinkle in the light, the sun shining in from the window right down onto him. It made him look ethereal.

"Tell me about it dude, I keep seeing a face in the corner of my eyes." Nam-gyu chuckled quietly, snuggling himself closer into your chest.

"Is it scary?" Su-bong asked, swaying a little back and forth slowly.

Nam-gyu continued to trace small patterns into your arm, "Nah he's chill."

You looked down at Nam-gyu's hand on your arm, staring as it almost looked like his fingers would dip beneath your skin any second.

"You feeling good, babe?" Su-bong asked, his eyes meeting yours. God his pupils were huge, you're sure yours were no better.

"I fucking love this." You sighed out, leaning your head back against the wall.

ੈ✩‧₊˚༺‧₊˚

The one who is most likely to beg you to make out with them, hold them, do a little more with them is nam- just kidding it's both of them.

One thing about shrooms is it will make you clingier and hornier than a motherfucker (sometimes... depends on who you're with and doing it with). And they are absolutely no different.

Once the comedown stops and you're all just chilling in your high, you'll be sandwiched between them.

Nam-gyu laying in front of you, his lips moving in sync with yours, a hand braced on your waist right below Su-bong's arm that was wrapped around you.

The purple haired menace would be laying behind you, his whole body pressed flush against yours as he nips and sucks on your neck. Whispering filthy things into your ear that makes both Nam-gyu and you whine desperately.

God everything felt so much more intense right now. Every sense was heightened to the max, you felt like you were vibrating, you have never needed them more than right now.

[mysecretlittlelibrary]

hey so can I have a scenario with Kurt wagner having a crush and he’s kind of hanging with the group, and the topic of “your type” comes up cuz crush just got asked out by the group very hot bad boy hero and crush is just like “Oh I don’t find bad boys or tough guys attractive at all. I like the opposite”. They like men who are cozy basically? (Kurt is cozy to be around once you know him).

~You Know You're Just My Type~

Pairing: Nightcrawler x Reader

Word Count: 1.5k

Warnings: none

Genre: fluff

Summary: A conversation about your type leads to some discoveries you were not prepared to make today- carpe diem... you guess

***

"I've got a question for you y/n." Jack announces as he walks back into the room that you're all hanging out in.

"Shoot." You say dismissively. Jack's cool and all but nothing good ever comes out of his mouth when he begins like that. Plus all did was go get a soda, what could he possibly have discovered he needed to ask in that 5 minutes?

"When are you going to let me take you on a date?" He asks. Across the room, Kurt hold his breath at the question. Jack had a habit of flirting with you, but he'd never asked you on a real date before now. Or at least not that he knew of. But Jack is attractive, Kurt's never seen anyone say no to the guy before and he's not convinced you will either.

"Excuse me?" You blink at him and then burst out laughing. "That's the funniest thing you've ever said if I'm honest." You shake your head and Kurt feels beyond relieved as he sighs.

"Give it a rest man you're barking up the wrongest of trees." Logan scoffs.

"And how would you know?" Jack looks at Logan.

"Because he's got a brain." You say.

"They're practically attached at the hip dude, if any person here would know what's what with her dating preferences it'd probably be Logan." Jean says.

"Blasphemy!" You scoff.

"Defamation!" Logan chimes.

"Character Assassination!" You add.

"You're literally leaning against each other as if you can't sit up on your own right now be serious." Scott scoffs.

"Wait a second, that's a good point- are you two dating?" Jack asks.

You and Logan share a look.

"Gross." You both say.

"Why would you ask that?" You scoff.

"We just established the two of you are basically one person." Jack says.

"Yeah- platonically." You say.

"Have you never been friends with a girl dude?" Logan asks.

"I mean yeah, I'm friends with Jean, and Storm, and y/n- we're just not as close as you and y/n seem to-"

"Well hang on you just asked y/n on a date, so that automatically makes things a little different." Logan cuts Jack off.

"You're telling me you wouldn't date y/n?"

"I'm not answering that. You're being weird." Logan says, shaking his head.

"Yeah and don't talk about me like I'm not right here." You say.

"Fine, why won't you go on a date with me?" Jack asks.

"You are not my type darling."

"Nonsense." He rolls his eyes.

"So what is your type?" Jean asks.

"More importantly, how is it not me?" Jack asks.

"Do we have to do this?" You sigh.

"I think we should, I wanna know." Jack smirks.

"You're rowdy and obnoxious and kind of a dick sometimes and surprise there's only room for me to be close to one guy who's kind of a dick- Logan's already taken the spot." You shrug.

"So if you stop being friends with Logan-"

"Hey, tread carefully asshole." Logan points at him.

"Yeah that sounds like the start of a threat." You say.

"Don't team up against me." Jack shakes his head.

"Fine so we know they're not your types but you still haven't answered what is." Jean presses.

"Does it matter?" You scoff.

"Why are you being so secretive about it?" Storm asks.

"I just don't think it changes anything for most of you." You say.

"But for some of us?" Scott asks.

"Maybe Jack here." You say.

"Just Jack?" Logan smirks.

"Go die." You side eye him.

"Just answer their question." Logan chuckles. You sigh heavily.

"I like someone kind, gentle, I guess more on the soft spoken side? Not a pushover but not abrasive. I want someone calm, none of the adrenaline junkie shit."

"Can you guess who she's thinking of?" Logan smirks. His eyes flit very briefly to the subject of his oh so subtle insinuation.

"Shut up. You piece of shit." You shove him slightly, but you are still leaning on him so not with enough force to knock him down. You hope no one was able to pick up on what he was trying to hint at to the rest of the room. Although with Kurt being more quiet than usual you can't help but wonder if he knows.

"Wait, are you thinking of someone particular?" Scott asks.

"No." You say firmly.

"Logan?" Jean presses.

"She says no." He shrugs.

"You are such a dick. You know they're not gonna let this go! I will have no peace so long as they think I was describing someone in particular." You groan.

"Well-"

"Shhhhh! You're the worst. I'm never telling you anything of importance ever again." You smack Logan's chest.

"So there is someone specific?" Storm asks.

"That why you won't date me? Because you have a crush on someone else?" Jack asks.

"I! Did not say I have a crush on someone else." You say.

"No but your second head basically did." Jean says.

"Okay, just so we're clear, I won't date you because you're you. Whether or not I have a crush on someone else is irrelevant to that decision." You tell Jack.

"Ouch." Jack grabs his chest as if you've wounded him.

"You'll be fine, walk it off." You roll your eyes.

"Come on- you can trust us. You know that." Jean says.

"That is so not the problem here. I didn't want to talk about any of this in the first place. Can we drop this? Now?"

"Okay when y/n wants us to know anything about that she will tell us herself guys." Scott says.

"Thank you Scott." You say. "I'm going to get a drink. Anyone want anything?" You ask standing up. You need a break from this nonsense.

"I just came back from the kitchen, I could've got you something." Jack says.

"I didn't want anything then."

"I'll take a beer." Logan says.

"Great- be back." You say, leaving the room. You walk down to the kitchen and grab a beer from the fridge for Logan and a bottle of water for yourself.

"Do you- actually have a crush on someone?" Kurt's voice surprises you as you shut the fridge door.

"Fucking Christ!" You shout as you clutch your chest.

"Sorry! I didn't mean to scare you." He blinks in surprise.

"We need to get you a bell, you're too quiet when you walk." You say waiting for your heart rate to slow.

"I'm sorry. Logan asked me to refill on snacks." Kurt says

"It's fine dude, what'd you ask me?"

"Just- if Logan was telling the truth about you having a crush on someone or just taunting you like he does?" Kurt asks. Your knee-jerk reaction is to lie, tell him Logan was just being a dick and there's no one, but how bad could it be if he knew- I mean he's asking after all.

"Uh- well he was definitely trying to tease me but he wasn't lying about it I- was describing a specific person, yes."

"Someone we know- I assume?" Kurt asks hesitantly. He's not even sure he wants to know what the answer is.

"Correct." You nod. This conversation feels so awkward. You wish he would just ask who it is if that's what he wants to know.

"And you... want to keep it a secret, who it is?"

"I want the person to know before everyone else does." You say. Quit beating around the bush and tell him already my GOD

"I don't want to pry." Kurt says.

"Kurt the person I'm talking about is you." You blurt out before you can convince yourself not to. Again.

"What?" His eyes snap up to meet yours.

"I was talking about you."

"Oh." He whispers.

"It's not a big deal and I'm only telling you because Logan's been giving me grief for the past couple of months and after what just happened I'm starting to think he'll tell you before I do so- I wanted to get it out there. While we're on the subject or whatever."

"You- you like me?" Kurt asks, astonishment laced through his quiet words.

"Don't make me regret telling you."

"I- I had no idea."

"Yeah I'm pretty good at that."

"No I mean- I didn't even know you paid attention to me."

"Of course I do."

"I like you too."

"You do?"

"More than anything. When Jack asked you out earlier I thought for sure you'd say yes and- I really hated the idea."

"I hate the idea of saying yes to Jack too." You quip. Kurt chuckles and you're glad that at least some of the tension has been cut by the joke.

"So- what happens now?"

"Now we go back in there and pretend this didn't happen because- I want us to figure things out before we tell everyone else." You say. 

"Okay, but what does figuring things out look like?" Kurt asks.

"A date. How's Friday?"

"I can do Friday." He nods.

"Okay, good, I'll meet you in the foyer at 8?"

"Where are we going?"

"Wherever the night takes us." You shrug.

"How do I dress for that?"

"Something you'll be comfortable in."

"Okay. Friday. 8pm. Now we go back in there and be normal?"

"Yep. Until at least Friday at 9."

"What happens after 9?"

"Depends on how the date's going."

"Cool- you should head back first you've been gone longer." Kurt suggests.

"Good idea. See you in a few." You say leaving the kitchen. You're a little confused on how that all just happened but you're pretty sure you have to thank Logan for that? You're not totally sure why yet, but later, when you're alone with your thoughts and able to dissect this whole evening properly, you'll hopefully understand what the hell just took place.

***

[verdantlights]

Thoughts/Analysis Part 2 (but its coherent)

OKay so i slept (finally) after staying up since wednesday morning and only getting roughly 5 hours of sleep in total?? until I finally managed to get decent hours of sleep last night. anyways. i am still not normal in the slightest over round 7 but i have many more thoughts, am a lot more coherent, and have had it swimming in my head for a while.

TW for mentions of drug use. I'm gonna start with Luka. I've stated in the edit I made of the original post as well as in a few reblogs, but Luka is a victim. A lot of people are Luka haters, and that's valid! I am also, to an extent, a Luka hater.... even if I have a thing for blonde twinks with issues. But his character is also incredibly interesting. If you are familiar with Honkai: Star Rail, then you might understand what I'm saying when I think Luka is a combination of both Sunday AND Robin. He has the trapped bird in a cage mentality from Robin with the need for order and control mentality from Sunday. Order and control referring to winning being the only thing keeping his sanity in check.

Luka, as a human pet, is aware that he is playing a losing game. He needs to win, but he knows that winning Season 50 is not the end. He may have won against Till, but now the segyein are going to put him against Hyuna, considering Hyuna and Mizi were referred to as special guests. The way he looked at Hyuna in that last scene was part of him realizing this. It's the face you pull when you realize something horrible, but you need to keep face/keep your composure.

Their ear pieces are similar to their collars in that they show the emotions of the wearer. We can clearly see Till's earpiece glowing red the entire time (up until Mizi appears), and Luka's is constantly glowing green. Luka was seen in hysterics pretty much the entire time like the one frame where he's holding in his laughter.

Luka was drugged on something that makes him euphoric and lose his sense of control, like weed or cocaine. He found fucking with Till to be the funniest thing ever, but it's not normal for Luka to be so outwardly expressive of his elation. We know he enjoyed fucking with Mizi, even if it let to getting his ass beat, but even then, he wasn't as expressive then as he was with Till. That leads me to believe that he has something in his system to heighten his emotional output as well as some sort of adrenaline drug like what Till was most likely given.

What bugs me is that they don't show us what color his earpiece is as he looks at Hyuna. We see Till's earpiece turn green at Mizi, but does Luka's stay green as he looks at Hyuna? I feel it was orange, but that's just me.

Luka now knows what's about to happen, which is also why Hyuna tries to stop Mizi. Hyuna knew the whole time that if they were to save Till, they'd be walking straight into the trap. Mizi's heart is too kind and she's desperate to save Till.

Thankfully, what Hyuna had gone there for originally seems to be completed. Whatever files she was downloading was complete before she went after Mizi, and I think that's where were gonna see Issac and Dewey again. I think she might've been uploading those files to them so that they can take the lead from there. This leads me to my prediction for the next episode. (ill get to till last, hes my little meow meow and im not normal about him)

I don't think Blink Gone is done. I believe there is a part two to the Finals, and that round 7 wasn't even the final round. I've already stated that the most likely thing to happen next is Luka v Hyuna, but then I also talked about Issac and Dewey.

Hyuna could have gotten her hands on high profile data regarding Alien Stage. She sends the data to Dewssac, and they shut down the stage from the inside, allowing the resistance to come in and do a massive sweep, hopefully before either Hyuna, Luka, or Mizi dies.

Now, as for Mizi. We know Mizi is the main character, and there are people who are saying Till's death boosts her hero arc. Now there are two ways I see this happening, either:

Vivinos keeps up their streak of tragedy and kills off everyone, leaving Mizi isolated entirely.

Or someone (dewssac, hyuna, mizi, maybe even luka) pull through and live to save more people.

If it's the first one, Till is dead dead. If the second, Till has a chance at being alive.

There are many reasons why Till is most likely alive, and as a hopeful feeler... I also am clinging onto the more hopeful ending (the second option). Not just because "Haha guys I need Till to be alive, he's my bias" but also because seeing Mizi completely isolated and forced to fake a smile and perform would absolutely fucking destroy me and I don't think I'd ever be the same after that, honestly. Like that genuinely scares me.

There's the narrative of ALNST and vivimeng's beautiful storytelling. That is my number one hopeful reasoning for Till being alive. If Till dies here, it would be utterly nonsensical and it would ruin the narrative. It would completely void all of Ivan's character, for starters. I was just talking about this with @rockwgooglyeyes and Vant (idt they wanna be tagged here), but Ivan's character is static. He is not dynamic or fluid, but he is extraordinarily complex which makes up for it. He never really had an arc of his own unless you count what happened in his past during/before being bought by Unsha. His death is meant to haunt the narrative, meant to haunt Till. So why would he die, only for Till to die a few hours later? It would completely ruin what he was meant for and it would be so unsatisfying and bitter.

However, there's also the thematics of ALNST. Rock called out @pwippy for this already, but I'm gonna call them out too because fuck you plip (/j i love you plipster). Rock put it really well in these two excerpts I took from his post:

"Alien Stage is a universe full of suffering and pain for humans, forced to perform until they literally die on stage, all for the entertainment of the audience. It's not even meant as a way of exerting control or oppressing them, though it serves that purpose, because why would the seygein bother to oppress something that can't even fight back? Why go to the trouble of controlling something that is just a pet, whose cries are the fuel for a new age?"

Once again mentioning the Hunger Games because I genuinely can't help myself I love THG way too much, but that's the key difference between ALNST and THG: the human pets aren't being forced to do this because of a past rebellion and are being punished by the oppressing government... They're being thrown into this for fun. Full credit to @alien-til-i-stage who said this as a joke, but it is really fucking real, but the segyein bringing their human pets to watch ALNST in the audience are like people bringing dogs to a dog fight in real life. And that, I fear, puts into perspective as to just how much of a pet the humans are to the segyein. They are only there for entertainment. The resistance is mostly a thorn in their side as of right now (dewey and issac better change that next episode or istg) and killing these humans is simply just fun for them. They know humans can be hostile, just like dogs, but they tame them and make them docile and obedient, only to make them kill each other in the end, even if it's through a singing competition rather than an all out teeth and claws brawl. (except for round 5, that doesnt count)

"In this world of pain and suffering, perhaps death is a mercy. If Till is truly dead, then he no longer a tool for his oppressors, he is free of their control. For Ivan and Sua both of their deaths were mercies to them- Ivan was able to die for the one he loved, as was Sua, and neither of them were forced to live in a world without their beloved."

(thank you rock i love you pookie snookie)

He also mentions that it's not in character for Till to die, which I completely agree with. Till's persona is that of someone who wants to win, but not in the same way Luka needs to win. Till wants to win to live and survive with those he loves, he wants to win to beat the system, but considering how dystopian of a world this is, as much as he wants to win and save Mizi, he craves death as a freedom.

That out of the way, another thing that @junebluues actually got me to think about was this:

The bomb has Till's eyes and is crying as it knows it's going to die (assuming it's a sentient alien like Freddie). And the comparison here honestly opened my eyes a little bit and got me thinking.

Was Till a catalyst? Because that was a smoke bomb. I ended up thinking about it for a minute and came up with three possibilities where Till is a bomb/smoke bomb:

Mizi is using Till to hide her feelings

Till is the bomb that sets off a chain of events

Till is used to hide/cover up the real plan for either the segyein or for the resistance

I don't think it's the first one, I feel like it'd be closer to the other two, but any three of those could work. Because Mizi's feelings of despair over her situation can be hidden behind the hope as she reached out for Till. But as the smoke clears (Till dies) she remembers that it was, in fact, a bomb.

EDIT: Also, the lyric that plays during the smoke bomb scene is "No, don't look back now" which also kinda leads me to believe that Till is the start of a chain/domino effect. Once you knock the first domino, you can't go back.

I think someone somewhere had also talked about Till being forced to be used as a catalyst/bait again considering how well it worked here. There's a good chance Urak might have supplied the drugs to Till and also paid out or WAS paid out by another person to use Till as bait. Urak wouldn't want his pet that he is grossly possessive over to die that easily without every ounce of use being wrung out of him,,, something something Till being a Trojan Horse of sorts (thanks rock for that one, too).

EDIT: I also remembered that during the sequence in the song where the audience is singing the chorus and we see Ivan on the screens, is when Till looks like he's about to pass out. What gets me here is the fact that it is quite literally a chorus of vultures. The audience singing the chorus with images of Ivan surrounding him and seeing Luka mimic Ivan made Till realize that he was surrounded and that's when he started losing hope. It's why his reaction to Mizi is so prominent, because it's like she was there to save him from the vultures. The audience singing is my favorite and also least favorite part of the video/song because the feeling of being surrounded and cornered with everyone against you and their voices echoing in your head... really does it for me. I really want to animate this sequence from up close in Till's POV.

Anyways the 4th reason i had for the bomb theory was that Till is smoking hot (sorry). okay im done now i think,,,,,, i might actually come back with more because i think i forgot something... but i cant remember..... i forgor.....

other tags: @shakingparadigm @aakaneeee @ivanttakethis @k9punkout @crustyfloor @apriciticreveries @bluemoonscape @tsukacchako @nottoonedin @paperstarry

side note that i genuinely put more effort into my analyses than i have ever put into any school essay ever

edit: FUCK I WAS SUPPOSED TO ANALYZE THE LYRICS AGAIN GOD DAMNIT i dont feel like doing that anymore ill just do it later maybe

[zhoras-bitch]

Inspired by the recent reddit post, but referencing the discussion in general.

The male MC discourse in RC is stupid, and I'm tired of pretending otherwise. I am a girl who usually likes to play as a girl in my games and I hope I can keep playing as a girl in the future--here, I can say it without gatekeeping an entire genre and starting a freaking gender war.

First and foremost, why are we acting like visual novels are a limited resource that we need to fight men for, less they 'overtake' it with male MCs? If the target audience for the game grows to include more men, that just means more paying customers -> more different books. Or, more likely, they can make separate games that are targeted at men from the beginning, which you won't have to ever interact with if you don't want to.

When this conversation comes up, people always try to give some big ideological reason why RC has to be for girls. Usually they'll bring up how games (by which they always mean high-profile PC action FPS or RPG games) used to only have male protagonists, until finally Choices and RC (mobile romantic visual novels) came around, and I just have to laugh at that. These are obviously such different genres targeted at entirely separate audiences that barely intersect. RC did not solve the problem of female representation in gaming. That would be like saying that lack of female superheroes in 2010s Marvel is solved because female led romcoms exist. Come on now.

And the funniest thing is that the 'threat' of men overtaking RC is non-existent, really. RC will continue to make mostly female led stories, for the same reasons mainstream games in 2000s and 2010s continued to make male led ones--structural sexism and gender stereotypes. Games were 'for boys', so girls didn't play them and companies didn't market them to girls, reinforcing the cycle further. Now it's 'romance games are for girls', so that's who RC caters--and will continue to cater to--until men stop thinking that 'girly things are gay and cringe'. All you are doing by yelling at men to get out of 'women's spaces' is upholding this status quo. (Also I cannot with people calling a fandom or a hobby 'women's space', but that's a whole other story.)

The reality of how many people (not just men btw) are actually genuinely interested in reading a RC book with an MMC is clearly reflected in the fact that out of 47 books in RC, a total of 1 (one) has a male MC. And it didn't cause men to take over RC or the fandom to fall apart or whatever.

I've been in this fandom for a while, and I've only seen a handful of guys coming out to say that while they like the app already (otherwise they wouldn't be here, duh), they'd enjoy playing as dude once in a while. And no matter how nice they are about this, someone will always go 'Boo, this game isn't for you, go play Call of Duty!' and I just. What are we doing here. 

This is not the guy who mocked you for saying you'd like to play as a girl in the Witcher. Nor is it the guy who had a meltdown over there being 'too many women in video games'. Those types are not playing RC, never have and never will. They would not touch RC with a ten foot pole, because they are too afraid their dicks would fall off immediately from overexposure to the color pink.

When a person here comes out and says, 'I wish there were more contemporary books in RC because I like contemporary books', fantasy lovers in the comments respond with, 'Idk, I am kind of here for fantasy, I don't read contemporary books usually,' and that's the entire conversation. But replace 'contemporary books' with 'male MC books', and suddenly it's a Discourse (tm), and I'm so tired of it.

[ripdragonbeans]

Zeno's Paradox // modern!Aemond x reader (2/2)

•Aemond x Reader, Aemond x Floris, Jace x reader•

Summary: You and Aemond instantly clicked when you met at university. So why did he choose Floris instead of you?

TW (overall): afab reader, p in v, oral (f receiving), swearing, talk of violence, talk of losing a body part

Part 1

You and Jace had a plan for every day. Every morning you'd meet up with him at the cafeteria. He'd sit close enough to you that your knees would be touching. Any time you talked your heads would be bent down and close, giving the illusion of wanting to be only with each other and no one else. 

It took a few days but finally Aemond and Floris showed up one morning for breakfast. Seeing them hurt your heart. You looked at Jace and nodded.

“Let's go then,” Jace smiled. “I'm gonna say a joke and you're gonna laugh like it's the funniest shit you've ever heard.” He cleared his throat. “What's red and bad for your teeth?”

Oh gods.

“A brick!”

You looked Jace dead in the eye with absolutely no amusement. “Seriously?”

“Just laugh,” he whispered.

As you saw Aemond and Floris get closer you let out the biggest laugh you could muster, without it sounding fake, of course.

“Hahahahahaha!” There was pain in your eyes but you did your best to smile like it was the best joke you’ve ever heard. “Gods, I love your jokes.”

Placing your hand on top of his, you interlaced your fingers just as Aemond and Floris came up to your table.

Aemond looked at your hands then flitted between you and Jace.

“Is he bothering you again?” Aemond asked.

“No, why would you ask that?” You cocked your head to the side and moved closer to Jace.

“Last time we talked to him you were pissed beyond reason.”

“Well, things change. People change, Aemond. And I found myself wanting to get closer. He’s much nicer when you’re not around. He’s been a big help in my Eyes of the Seven class. Right, Jace?”

Jace smiled at you. “Yeah, and you’ve been helping me, too. Studying with you is one of the best moments in my life. And now I can call you mine.” 

He leaned in and kissed your cheek. You were watching Aemond closely. His face was neutral but you knew him and his eyes were angry. A muscle in his jaw ticked.

“Well…congrats I guess. I'll see you around,” he ground out. 

Aemond tried to leave quickly but you held him right where he was. You weren't going to let him go that easily.

“You're not going to eat breakfast with us? It's a nice morning!” You offered. “Floris? What do you think?”

“Oh, let's eat breakfast with them, Aemy,” Floris pleaded.

Fucking “Aemy?”

Aemond was hesitant. “Fine.”

As the pair went off to get their food you and Jace talked quickly.

“First off,” you started, “that joke was stupid. Second, good call on the kiss. Aemond hated that,” you grinned.

“Hey, that joke was funny!” Jace defended himself. “I saw the way he was looking at you. It's been a long time since I've seen him that pissed. I don't know if Floris could even tell.”

“That just goes to show how much she doesn't know him. She shouldn't be with him, they don't compliment each other.” A beat. “I swear, Aemond hasn't been himself since they started dating.”

“I'll agree that he hasn't, at least the few times I've seen him. He's stuck to Floris’ side.”

“Love that,” you dead panned.

“We're back!” Floris sang.

“Great,” you said through gritted teeth.

“So, tell us how you two started dating!” 

Aemond sat down. “Yeah, how did you start dating?”

You looked at Jace and put a loving smile on your face. “He comforted me one night. I was having a really bad day, heard some terrible news, and he found me,” you moved your focus to Aemond. “He was there when no one else was and I'm so thankful for that.”

“We started hanging out more and the rest is history,” Jace pulled you in close and you leaned your head on his shoulder.

There was a tense silence. Aemond stared at you intensely trying to get a read on you. You put up your walls and gave him a shy smile. You nuzzled in closer to Jace.

“Aw, that's so sweet!” Floris broke the silence. “I know Aemy told you how we got together so I won't bore you with our story.”

Our story.

It hurt. It hurt so much. You felt like you were in a fucking Taylor Swift music video.

Jace looked at you and saw your face devoid of color. “You okay, babe?”

You coughed. “Yeah, yeah. Um, I think I just need to get to class. It's getting late, you know?”

“It's only seven forty-five and you haven’t eaten,” Floris tried to get you to stay.

“Yeah, and my class is at eight and I finished eating before you guys got here,” you tried to get away but she stopped you in your tracks.

“Oh, you and Aemond have that class together, right?”

Fuck.

“Yeah, we do, but I was gonna go ahead. He can stay here with you. He doesn't have to come with me.”

“Nonsense! I know you two haven't been able to hang out much since we started dating. He just always wants to be by my side,” Floris laughed and turned to Aemond. “Go on, Aemy.”

Standing there awkwardly you waited for Aemond to get up and join you on the walk to Psychology.

“Hey,” Jace tugged on your hand. “I'll see you after classes, yeah?” he pressed a kiss to the back of your hand.

Despite Jace being an asshole to Aemond in their childhood you couldn’t help but find a friend in him, especially now. The dating might be fake but the two of you have grown to care about the other.

“Yeah,” you offered him a small smile.

You turned and left the cafeteria with Aemond but as soon as you were outside you picked up the pace, hoping to lose him. If he really wanted to talk to you he'd catch up. When you thought he wasn't going to even try, you slowed down; believing yourself to be far enough away from him. But you heard his footsteps as you neared the classroom door. He grabbed your arm and turned you to face him.

“Can we talk about this?” he whispered.

You refused to look him in the eye. “What's there to talk about? You're with Floris and I'm with Jace, end of story.”

“Exactly! You're with Jace! Why would you even think of him?”

“Because, like I said, Aemond, he was there for me when no one else was.”

“What about me? Why didn't you come to me.”

“You were busy.”

“How could you know that? I haven't received any text or message from you since Floris and I started dating.”

“I didn't need to text you to know you were busy. I saw you. You and Floris aren't exactly discreet,” you spat out.

Realization hit him. “Are you jealous of Floris?”

“I never said anything about being jealous, I just said I saw you were busy. Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to take my seat in the classroom.”

“Wait.” He grabbed your arm once more. “There’s nothing serious between me and Floris. We’re just dating.”

“It seemed pretty serious when you were eating her face.”

“You know that doesn’t mean -”

“Are you trying to explain why you haven’t been around me? Because if you are, you’re failing badly.” The anger you’ve been repressing began to bubble up. “Ever since you started dating her you’ve left me. All we do is sit next to each other in class. We don’t talk. You don’t say anything in class anymore, either. You got with Floris and left me, Aemond. You fucking left me.”

You pushed yourself away from him and headed to a different seat, already occupied in front, behind, and next to you. Being next to Aemond would give him more opportunities to talk to you. As much as you wanted to talk to him, you didn't want to hear about how great him and Floris have been.

While you weren’t sitting next to him, you felt his gaze on you the entire time. Even when the professor was talking about Zeno’s Paradox, one of his favorites, he was still focused on you. It was cruel, how Zeno’s Paradox was the main lecture for today. Two points will never be together, there’s too many halfway points to make it. There’s always halfway to go.

You refused to look Aemond’s way. He sat in his usual seat, the one next to him vacant. You hoped it hurt him a bit, not sitting next to you. The entire time he’s been dating Floris you’ve been discarded. It wasn’t even until today, after prompting from Floris, that he talked to you. Maybe he felt guilty for leaving you and didn’t want to see what happened to you as a result. If that were the case, he was being weak.

Class dragged on and on. While there’s infinite halfway points, according to Zeno, it appeared the same for this lecture. You groaned loud enough for the professor to call on you.

“I’m sorry my lecture is boring you. Shall we wake up and play a trivia game?” the professor asked the class.

That woke up the class. Everyone was always willing to play a game rather than listen to a professor drone on and on, despite this professor being a very animated one. Class finished up with everyone playing the game. You tried the same strategy for leaving the room as when you tried to leave the cafeteria earlier. Quickly.

You made it out the door and down the hallway, heading for your dorm instead of your next class. Skipping one class wouldn’t hurt your grade too much. Besides, you really needed to get away from Aemond.

“Hey,” a voice called out.

You picked up the pace.

“Hey!”

You closed your eyes and sped up again. You didn’t want to see him, you didn’t want to talk to him. Once you opened the door to leave the building you sped off into a sprint. Tears were coming and you couldn’t stop them. You couldn’t let Aemond see them, as well. So, you went where you could only think of. Jace’s dorm.

“Wait up! Please! I want to talk!”

You shook your head. So close. You could see Jace leaving his dorm.

“Jace!” you yelled.

Jace looked up to see you running at him full force. He looked confused but when he saw Aemond speed walking behind you, he instantly understood. Opening his arms, you barreled straight into him.

“He’s following me. He wants to talk, Jace, and I don’t know if I can do it.” Tears were streaming down your face now.

“Do you want me to make him go away?”

Do I really want him to go away?

You nodded your head yes. Just for once, you didn’t want to be near Aemond Targaryen.

Jace cupped your face with his hands. “I’m going to kiss you.”

“Okay.”

He leaned down and captured your lips in a gentle kiss. It wasn’t rushed, it wasn’t awkward. It was simply nice. When the two of you broke away, you leaned your forehead on his.

“He’s just standing there,” he told you.

You pulled your head away from Jace and looked behind you. Aemond was there, watching you. You were close enough to see his shoulders fall but you could almost see something break inside him.

It was almost the end of the semester and nothing had changed. You and Jace were still “dating” and Aemond and Floris were still together. Floris would try to say hi to you and join you and Jace at meals but Aemond always pulled her away. It was clear he didn’t want anything to do with you.

Maybe it’s for the best.

Both of you were hurting, even though you didn’t know why he was. He should be happy. He was rid of you and had Floris.

“Hey, Jace,” you began. “I don’t think we need to fake date anymore.”

“You sure?” Jace looked at you with concern written all over his face.

“Yeah, I’m sure.”

“What’s up?”

“I’m just… I’m tired, you know?” Everything was tiring nowadays. “We leave for winter break next week. There’s no reason to keep it up,” you said mainly to yourself.

“...Okay. If you say so. Should we make a big deal out of breaking up?”

“Nah, I’m not eager for anyone to really care.”

“You mean you’re not eager for Aemond to care.”

You pinned him with a sharp look. “Shut up.”

“Look, as much as I’ve enjoyed pissing him off, it’s obviously doing something more to both of you. I know you and I didn’t get off on the best foot but I do care about you, as a friend, you know.” Jace took a breath. “Why don’t you talk to him?”

“It hurts. It hurts too much.”

Jace gave you a small smile. “You can do it. If anything, you can wait until after winter break; start new, you know?”

“Yeah, I like that idea.” You returned his smile with one of your own. “Thank you, Jace, really.”

You ended the semester without saying so much as goodbye to Aemond. You left quickly and quietly. Winter break wasn’t anything to be excited about. It was nice to be with family but that was it. Some old friends visited and they were able to help take your mind off of Aemond but he was always there. No matter what you did, all you could think about was Aemond. You wondered what Aemond was doing on his break. Was he with Floris? Was he with family? 

You still cried frequently. You’ve been crying on and off since Aemond chased you and you ran to Jace. The tears should’ve stopped by now but they haven’t. It’s gotten to the point where you expected yourself to cry almost every night. It was normal now. At least the second semester would be a new start.

Spring semester began and you hoped to turn over a new leaf. You found Jace after you moved in.

“Hey, stranger,” you greeted him.

“You look a lot better than when I last saw you.” He pulled you into a hug.

“I feel a lot better. New semester, new me, right?”

“If that’s what you need to tell yourself, yeah.”

The two of you continued talking, catching up on the month and a half you were away from each other. Jace spent his break with his family, his whole family, including his adoptive dad. Apparently his family was a little confusing as well. His mom had an affair with a coworker and she got pregnant with Jace, but it was all okay. The guy she had Jace, and her two other children, with died in a tragic fire but her husband was quick to adopt and love them all the same.

You and Jace decided to eat dinner at the cafeteria, as sad as the food could be. Joking around and laughing, you were having a great time. Until he showed up. Jace was in the middle of telling a story about Luke and Joffrey when he stopped mid sentence.

“Jace? What’s wrong?” You were confused.

Someone cleared their throat behind you. You turned around and froze. It was him. Aemond Targaryen.

“Hey, can we talk?” Aemond looked directly at you.

You glanced at Jace and he gave you a reassuring nod. “Yeah, sure.”

You stood, urging Aemond to follow you to a spot against the wall.

“So..” you started.

“I broke up with her,” the words flew out of his mouth.

“You - what?”

“I broke up with Floris. You were right, I was pulling away from you because of her and I didn’t like that. She never tried to get me away from you, she wanted me to still be friends with you, but I found myself being scared of that for some reason. Instead, I plastered myself next to her. I found, I don’t know, some kind of structure when I was with her? Order? It was nice but it wasn’t as nice when I was hanging out with you.”

“And how did… Floris,” you still hated to say her name, “take it?”

“She said it was okay, surprisingly.”

“And now?”

“And now I want to be with you. I fucked up. I fucked up so badly. I left you when I shouldn't have. Being scared of being close to you is no excuse for how I treated you,” he sighed. “And I want you, I really want you. All of you.”

“How do I know you're not going to leave me? I don't know if I could take you leaving me again.”

“You'll just have to trust me.”

“Trust you? Trust you with my heart?”

“Yes. And I will cherish it and take of you and I will always be by your side. Please.”

“...I'll think about it.” You had already made up your mind but he didn't need to know that right now.

“Well, what about you and Jace?”

“Me and Jace? We’re fine. We broke up, too. No bad feelings between us, just figured we’d be better as friends,” you shrugged. You weren’t going to tell him it was all fake.

Yet.

There was a comfortable silence.

“Have you thought about it?”

“Maybe you should ask me properly so you can get the full answer” you teased.

“Let me start over then,” he cleared his throat. “Can I ask you a question?”

“You already did but sure, go ahead.”

There was a twinkle in his eye. “Will you go out with me?”

You put a hand up. “You just told me you broke up with someone, found out I broke up with someone and you immediately want to fall into a new relationship?”

“Would it be new though? There was something between us when we first met.”

“Yeah, and then you went off to date someone else.” You rolled your eyes.

“I messed up, I know that now.” He took your hand. “Give me a chance, please?”

“Wow, I don’t know. I kind of like it when you beg. Do it again and maybe I’ll say yes.”

Aemond smirked and got down on his knees. “Please, go out with me?”

“I like the sight of you on your knees.” You leaned down to whisper in his ear. “Maybe I’ll ask you to do it again when we’re in my dorm.”

He looked up at you with hope on his face. “Is that a yes?”

“Yes. Yes, Aemond, I will go out with you.”

A smile broke out when he stood up and gathered you in his arms.

“May I kiss you?” he pulled away slightly to see your face.

“I’d be a little upset if you didn’t.”

You met him halfway, leaning up to capture his mouth with yours. It was soft but there was so much emotion poured into it. It was just like what you thought it would be. His mouth moved seamlessly against yours; it was pure bliss. Aemond’s hand went around your waist to pull you closer but was stopped by someone whistling and clapping.

You broke away from the kiss, leaning forward to rub the tip of your nose with his. You looked around for the source of the whistle.

There he was, Jace standing up and clapping. “Whew! You did it! Now get a room!”

You laughed and pulled Aemond away, taking him to your dorm building. As soon as you arrived at your door, you pulled him in for another kiss, this one a little harder than the first. Somehow you got your key into the lock and let yourself fall into your room. Aemond kicked the door closed without breaking away from you.

“I have to tell you something,” you said between kisses.

“Whatever it is, it can wait. I want these clothes off you so I can get back down on my knees.”

“Fucking hell, Aemond, when you put it like - fuck.”

Aemond ran a hand up your body and cupped your breast. You arched into his touch.

“There we go,” he praised you. “It’s just you and me.”

You whimpered when he snuck both his hands under your shirt to take it off.

“No bra? What a bad girl,” he smirked as he leaned down to take a nipple in his mouth.

“Oh, fuck, Aemond. That feels good.”

“Mhm,” he hummed against you.

You backed your way to your bed and he gladly followed, briefly letting go to take his shirt off as well. Leaning back on the bed you admired his body. Aemond was toned and had a happy trail that certainly made you happy. You rose up on your knees and brought him back down in a searing kiss.

“I want all of you,” he murmured against your lips.

A hand traveled down to your core over your shorts where he gently pressed it against you. Once again, you found yourself arching into his touch.

“So responsive,” he chuckled. “I bet you’re fucking wet. Is that right?” He drew circles over your shorts before diving under them.

“Aemond,” you moaned.

“Hm?”

“I want you to touch me.”

“Baby, I am touching you. I even sucked on your nipples. You want more?”

“Yes, please.”

He brought his mouth back to your tits, sucking on one nipple while his other hand ripped your shorts.

“No panties, either? Tsk, tsk, tsk, you’re really a bad girl.” He dipped his fingers into your core. “I was right, you’re fucking soaked.”

Aemond pumped you full with his fingers. You couldn’t help but moan and find a rhythm with him. When he took his fingers out you frowned. He brought them to your mouth.

“Suck,” he commanded.

You did as he said, tasting yourself on him. You released his fingers with an obscene pop.

“Now it’s time for me to eat that pussy of yours. Spread your legs wide, baby.”

You immediately did what you were told. The air was cold against your core but Aemond was quick to remedy that. He kissed his way up your thighs, never really going where you wanted him.

“Aemond, please,” you begged.

You felt his smile against your thigh.

“Don’t be such a tease - oh!”

His tongue flicked your clit and pleasure surged through your body. He ate you like a man starved. When he stuck one finger in you, you moaned; when he added a second and third, you arched into him; when he found that special spot inside you, you screamed.

Aemond was quick to cover your mouth with his hand and lifted his head up briefly. “Quiet, baby, we don’t want to get caught, do we? Or maybe the thought of that excites you.”

He went back to your drenched pussy, licking and sucking everything he could.

“Fucking hell, Aemond. Please, I need you inside me!”

“As you wish,” he said against your thigh.

He gave you one last kiss before slipping off his pants and underwear.

Fuck, he’s big.

Your eyes widened at his size and your mouth watered. You wanted, no, needed him inside you.

“I have an IUD, so don’t worry if you come inside me,” you told him.

“Oh, now I’m excited.” He gave you a wicked grin.

Aemond lined himself up with you and rubbed his cock against your slit. Fuck, it felt so good. He slowly pushed himself into you. It was pure bliss. He was so big but you took him in.

“There we go. What a good girl,” he praised. “You feel so fucking good.”

All you could do was nod. You didn’t trust yourself to form coherent words.

He started pumping into you, picking up the pace when you matched a rhythm with him. Aemond leaned forward, holding himself just above you, and pressed his forehead against yours.

“Fuck, this feels so right. You were made for me.”

After a few more thrusts he pulled out of you and you whined.

“On your hands and knees, baby. I want that ass in the air.”

You turned over on your stomach and shook your ass for him. When he slapped it a moan slipped out.

“You like it when I spank you? I’ll keep that in mind for next time.” He rubbed the spot he smacked you and then kissed it.

“You have such a beautiful ass. Fuck, and your pussy. All for me.”

As he sank his cock deep into you, you almost screamed. This angle was so much better, you could feel all of him. You rocked back to meet him with each thrust. Aemond’s breathing was becoming ragged and you could feel yourself near your peak. He brought a hand around to play with a nipple.

“Touch your clit for me,” he ordered.

You were quick to do as he said. It brought you closer to your orgasm and it felt so damn good.

“Aemond, you’re gonna make me come!”

“Hold onto it baby, I want you to come with me.”

He started rutting against you hard, each thrust becoming more and more erratic. You never let up on rubbing your clit. You were squeezing him hard. You knew you were close. You knew he was close.

“Fuck, fuck, baby. Come with me,” he almost begged.

“FUCK!” you came hard squeezing his cock as he spilled himself inside you.

Aemond collapsed on top of you, breathing hard. For a few minutes the two of you just lay there together in pure bliss. He kissed your cheek before sliding himself out of you and rolling over to the side.

“So, how do you like dating me so far?” he asked.

“Oh, shut up, asshole.” You playfully swatted him.

“Come on,” he got off the bed and held out a hand for you. “Let’s shower so we can sleep.”

“Together? Already?” You gasped dramatically.

“Yes.” He pinched you when you stood up and took his hand.

As you started up the shower, Aemond came up and hugged you from behind. “You said earlier you needed to tell me something?”

“Oh, yeah, that. Please don’t get mad at me,” you laughed.

He gave you a skeptical look.

“Jace and I were never dating. It was all fake. I did it to piss you off.”

Aemond buried his head in your neck. “You can be such a snake,” he chuckled. “But I’m glad it was fake. I hated the thought of you being with him.”

“And now I’m yours.” You kissed his cheek.

“And now you’re mine.” He stepped away and pulled you into the shower.

“Promise me you won’t leave me again?” you asked after a few moments under the water.

“Never again, I promise.”

[acourtofthought]

Awwwww haters.

I saw this in the Elain tag, sent to an e/riel.

I guess my Elucien headcanon made them mad, probably because Az has zero chance of ever hearing Elain's thoughts.

But here's the thing, where does it say Rhys could only hear Feyre's thoughts because he was daemati? That their mating bond played no part in things?

Rhys actively has to use his daemati powers and time and again he does not because he feels it's an invasion of the privacy of others.

Otherwise he would have known Jurian wasn't the bad guy and Jurian wanted Rhys to look, he was hoping he'd look. Otherwise he would have easily seen that Bryce was not truly an enemy. To Feyre he specifically says:

“I can’t help what you sometimes shout down the bond.

Of course Feyre thinks he's talking about their bargain but he later says it was always their mating bond.

"But Nesta and Cassian!"

Tamlin's glamour did not work on Nesta, she fought Rhys's HL command and neither she or Cassian had the bond snap immediately which means they had time to control their actions around the other. Nesta nothing, it's not the same thing and she would never "accidentally" shout something down her bond if it was possible because she's as stubborn as a mule.

Now is my headcanon just a headcanon? Yes because we have no idea how Elucien's bond actually works since we haven't been given Elain's pov and only had Lucien's for a short time (during a time he was struggling with the extreme guilt / sadness he was feeling over everything). But that doesn't mean Sarah can't easily write into their story that they've gotten glimpses of the others thoughts / emotions. Just because we haven't learned of something yet doesn't mean Sarah won't write it in the next book, putting Elucien's own unique twist on things that doesn't rely on daemati powers. They are mates which means it's normal to theorize they'll be able to do mate - like things that regular couples would not.

FYI: fun headcanons don't mean I haven't read the books 😂.

E/riels claiming we don't read the books is the funniest take considering they're the ones who still talk obsess about / claim a necklace that Elain gave back and Az asked Clotho to give to another girl. I'm also not sure I've ever seen Elain referred to as Velaris's princess in the series yet e/riels love that one.

Edit and thank you @yennas-stuff

Rowan and Aelin weren't daemati yet it's kind of like Sarah wants mates to have that added connection 🤷

Also, another edit:

@princesserene @lplusl Thank you. It kind of seems like Elucien's have read the books 😁

[m4rs-ex3]

so naturally i was up at 1am the other night watching tdp related youtube videos and i figured i'd watch the 2020 comic con panel since it'd been a while and oh my god some of this shit

(also just me talking about how much i love this cast)

"IT IS I, DARK_MAGE_DAD420" i cannot believe that is real

aaravos: "if i want to do a screen call, i must perform a cosmic blood ritual. with a mortar and pestle. AND FLOATING KNIVES" you are fucking kidding me (edit: i realize that pertains to what he did in s2 but still like "cosmic" "ritual" "knives"? cmon)

jason simpson playing the ukulele. that's all.

jack: *talking about how he had a baby in quarantine* eric: i've been doing a lot of gardening... uh i haven't had a baby, but you never know! i mean if it's possible through social distancing aaron: if anybody can make that happen through social distancing it's aaravos you are F U C K I N G KIDDING ME

racquel: some fun things i did- i uhh died my own hair and burned my scalp and i would like to inform you all it's finally healed and we're good to go, i'm ready to do it again! i'm obsessed with the fact that racquel is quite literally claudia irl

the ttm read is awesome. jack came with the Rayla Voice fucking PREPARED oh my god

i don't think i've ever actually talked about the dnd sketch but it is one of my favorite things in the entire world

rayllum in this sketch is amazing particularly callum he is SO down bad like "my character is a mysterious elf assassin with two beautiful blades to match my two beautiful eyes~~ ✨" like hello that's canon idc if it's a sketch that is canon

"my character cannot help but look at her. he locks eyes with rayla's mage" "....there will be time for roleplaying later" HELLO THATS GOLD

viren in this skit is genuinely one of the funniest things i've ever seen. i cannot emphasize enough this is comedy

necromancer ezran. i think about him daily.

s: "i start swinging my sword at, uhh, idk, rayla's mage" r: "WAIT WHAT" c: "uh wait wait i take it back MY SWORDS GLEAM INTO THE LIGHT AS I LEAP TO THE DEFENCE OF THE BEAUTIFUL MAGE!" s: "hey no takebacks!" sibling ass fight i love them

"LIKE WHAT DO YOU ACTUALLY DO?"

i rolled a 1 😐

i loot their corpses for blood >:D

"do elves have four toes?" "i always assumed that they would have 6 so they could learn how to count to 20" paula my love

someone get sasha some hamantaschen

i don't need arc 3 actually i just need the beta script including as many guns n roses references as possible

racquel: ok call me crazy, call me crazy... jesse: you're crazy, racquel racquel: THANK YOU FINALLY they are literally just them

"I WILL NOT BE POSTING A SINGLE THING ABOUT ICE, FOR I AM JULIA" (okay but.... venous frigoris anyone?)

paula: ugh, no one likes soren jesse: well no one likes rayla racquel: you two should fight 😈

long hard sigh

bonus: jason: literally no one likes viren so let's move on

"how old is bait?" "sasha, how old do you think bait is?" "3."

"is-is a glow toad kinda like a toad?" "................kind of"

i fucking love sasha have i ever mentioned that i fucking love sasha

"i think that he's 56." "either 3 or 56 only, apparently"

the saga announcement is great i love how everyone's is so excited they don't even know all of their characters are about to be destroyed physically and emotionally

the way aaron says it so fucking funny "is there gonna be a season 4?" "uh so i think it's really important to emphasize: yes-"

"i too want to cry" "just cry, just-" "IT'S A PANDEMIC. NO TEARS. THERE'S NO CRYING IN A PANDEMIC." "...where is this rule coming from?"

and finally there were a handful of moments that i could not do justice by transcribing in a post so here is a masterfully edited compilation i made

[literallymyflowerr]

the funniest thing to me in the whole hayffie/effie trinket hate discourse is the "but THE ACTRESS pushed for the ship to happen" and "woody and elizabeth just acted on their attraction to each other using the movies as an excuse" arguments. that's so weird

elizabeth banks is mostly known for comedy, and the fact that they were casting a comedic actress for the role of effie already shows that the character was planned as a comedic relief amidst a very dark storyline, whether elizabeth herself had any say in it or not.

and now, of course an actor provides their own vision of the character they play. elizabeth did say things in her interviews that rubbed me the wrong way (e.g. her words about hayffie being a classic rom com story or whatever), but she had good points as well, even if you could say that she doesn't "get" effie

however being an actor also means that you follow the script and directions given to you - and all the improvisation you do is either approved of or discarded. so, all of the flirtatious remarks and kissing had probably not only been approved by the creative leads, but also encouraged. and if we remember that suzanne collins took part in the movies' creation and even pushed for effie to be in the mockingjay...

I absolutely agree that the movies are very flawed - the whitewashing, the erasure of katniss' relationships with other women, peeta's forgotten amputation, the list goes on. I belive that they did distort effie's character - they made her more lovable, and while she is a lovely side character, that diminished the point she has in the plot significantly. she hardly faces any hostility from district people, roams the 13 loudly and proudly as if she's not the very face of the cruelty coin's regime despises... lol I love the concept of effie in 13, but really the way it was handled is meh

you could dislike effie trinket and hayffie, sure. yet implying that all of this is some great misinterpretation of the books is strange as the author of the original source material was sitting by and only adding fuel to the fire. indeed, that was fan service if I've ever seen it and Elizabeth's portrayal of effie and the hayffie snippets are a part of the reason why a casual hunger games enjoyer remembers the movies fondly, so it could be said that the actors did just what was required of them.

the books are from katniss' pov, and as the girl couldn't care less about dear effie (not that she should have lol), we have a lot of things up to our own imagination. to my mind, effie could be a great insight into the horrors of manufactured womanhood or the way the totalitarian regime swallows whole even its poster children. to outright write her off as evil or one-dimensional just doesn't sit right with me.

as a side note, I just love it when people go "oh but that's all because of the Elizabeth banks' misunderstanding of the character". somewhere I've seen an actual "do not condone her crush on woody!" lol. while woody harrelson is not bashed as much for the whole thing.. even though he was clearly and very enthusiastically on board with it.. comes off as a bit misogynistic to me... hahah just a piece of mind

[fandom-junk-drawer]

The Witcher Headcanon - Witcher Senses: Smell

Jaskier knows a great many things about Witchers, many of which are common knowledge, like their enhanced vision, strength, etc. Some are known only to him. For example, he is probably the only human being that knows Witchers pur, and like chin/cheek skritches. And catnip makes their pupils dilate and makes them see gods.

Jaskier doesn't count those as enhancements, they are more like bonus features.

Jaskier knows Geralt's sense of smell, like his hearing, is likewise far better than a human's.

Geralt can tell where he's been just by the scents he's picked up while on his outings in town.

Geralt: You're late. Stopped at Vespula's on the way back, didn't you?

Jaskier: *stammering, sputtering*

Geralt: You smell like laundry soap and hanky-panky

Jaskier: *offended bard noises*

He can tell when he is ill by his scent.

"You smell off."

"How rude!"

Geralt can tell what Jaskier got drunk off by the way his sweat smells as his body metabolizes the alcohol.

His nose is sensitive enough to pick up on Jaskier's moods by how his scent changes.

Having a sensitive sense of smell does have it's drawbacks. Strong smells are even more pungent. Smells like some of Jaskier's perfumes and scents. Sometimes the bard just uses way too much, or uses one that is just nauseating.

And of course, there's the embarrassing, uncontrollable reaction he has when he encounters an unfamiliar smell.

Jaskier got to see it for the first time one spring, and it was the funniest d*mn thing he'd seen in a while.

Jaskier met Geralt outside of Vengerberg. He'd hugged his companion, and was confused by Geralt's reaction.

Geralt: *smelling a new scent on Jaskier*

Geralt's brain: What's that smell? We haven't smelled that before. Time to analyze!

Geralt: *mouth open, upper lip raised*

Jaskier: What the f**k is that face?

Geralt: Hm! *awkward*

Sorry, I've just never seen you make that face before.

Geralt had given him The Look. The Look that meant he had just revealed something personal he had not wished to share, and that if Jaskier opened his mouth to ever mention it, he would be missing all his teeth.

"Is that a Geralt thing, or a Witcher thing?"

"Witcher" Geralt reluctantly grumbled, more embarrassed when he realized that he was sniffing Jaskier again.

Jaskier realized that Geralt was scenting the perfume he'd bought that morning at the market and decided to try out.

"It's my perfume." He supplied, " It's lavender and rosemary, with a little bergamot. It's not too strong, is it?"

"No. Just didn't recognize the scent combination..."

Jaskier hummed in understanding, promising that he would keep the secret of the Stink Face. He gleefully filed that information away. And Jaskier, being the little hellion is his, decides to find rare scent combinations to expose Geralt to.

For research purposes. Yeah. Purely for educational purposes.

It was hard to find smells that Geralt was unfamiliar with. He had lived a long time, and had a huge olfactory library of scents. He could tell monsters apart just from how their guts smelled.

Jaskier was going to have to try harder if he wanted to get Geralt to make what he'd dubbed the Stink Face again.

And he had to play it cool. Couldn't let the gloomy b**tard know what he was doing! Good thing Geralt was well aware of his love for fashionable toiletries!

Nothing to see here, folks, just a bard that loves his personal grooming items! Nothing suspicious going on here!

Jaskier begins visiting every market in every town they stop at, buying the latest toiletries, and trying them out in their rented room or at camp. Often times shoving the items under Geralt's nose to get his "opinion."

"Oh, that smells nice! Don't you think this smells nice, Geralt?"

Geralt: *Stink Face*

Jaskier *internally*: Haha, YES!

Jaskier *externally pretending not to have noticed*: What do you think?

Yes, it is a light, fresh scent! I agree!

*offended gasp* What do you mean "Not strong enough to cover up the stink of my ball sweat"?

That was uncalled for, Geralt!

Geralt had just 'hmmed' smuggly and turned to finish brushing Roach.

The next item Jaskier had purchased had been a new scent that even he'd never smelled. It was lavender, mixed with something called 'vanilla'.

Ooh, lavendar and vanilla! Let's see what that smells like!

Oh. Oh, wow. *cough* That's a bit strong!

Whew! It's really, just wafting right out!

Geralt, clear on the other side of the camp: *instant Stink Face*

"What the f**k-!" He'd snarled after his brain had cataloged the smell

"It's got 'vanilla' in it," Jaskier explained, noting the frown on Geralt's face, "it's some kind of bean from across the sea! It smells sweet, right?"

"It's f***ing strong!"

Jaskier, for some reason, was mildly offended at the comment, and quipped "Haha, yeah, I figured I needed something strong enough to cover up the stink of my ball sweat--!"

Geralt brandished the leather belt he used to tie up his bedroll, waving it threateningly.

Jaskier *grinning rakishly*: Ooh, are you threatening me with a good time?

Roach had made a sound that was suspiciously similar to a human chuckle, and Geralt had glowered at her.

Et tu, Roach?

He settles for slapping the bard on the back of the head.

Jaskier inadvertantly gets his revenge days later, and finds out another thing about Witchers. They hated citrus.

Geralt knows Jaskier has bought another bath product to try out when he comes up the stairs with the serving girls laden with the tub and buckets of hot water.

Geralt goes down to check on Roach while Jaskier bathes. When he comes back, ready to lie down and sleep, Jaskier is finished, and...

And the f**ker STINKS! It's got a very noticably citrus quality to it.

Jaskier: Geralt, what's wrong?

Geralt: *face twisting up*

Jaskier *trying not to laugh*: Er, Geralt?

Geralt: What the ever-loving f**k is that smell?

"It's the latest soap scent! It's orange blossom!

Geralt was not happy about the citrus scent. He hated the smell of citrus! And this little ar**hole had just bathed in the wretched stuff! The sweet smell of the vanilla couldn't keep the citrus tang from stinging his nostrils.

Geralt had opened the window, crawled into bed, and covered his nose with the blanket. He had to explain to the bard about Witchers hating citrus because it burned their sinuses.

Jaskier had had the decency to look ashamed, but even after profuse apologies had been made, Geralt had hissed at him and refused to allow him into the bed.

Jaskier ended up scrubbing himself down out in the laundry shed with hot water and plain, boring soap.

He was then subjected to a sniff test.

Jaskier: Did i get it all off?

Geralt,: *snuffling*

Jaskier: Do I pass?

"Hm." Geralt had grunted with a nod. "All i can smell is ball sweat."

*affronted bard noises*

[talkdutchtome]

You Should Have Said No

chapter seven - enchanted

pairing . . . max verstappen x reader / pierre gasly x reader )

summary . . . when your fiancé cheats on you, you strike up an unusual friendship with one of his closest friends, who just so happens to have had a crush on you since he set eyes on you. chaos ensues.

inspired by the works of miss taylor swift )

genre . . . angst )

song . . . enchanted - taylor swift )

warning . . . cheating, mental illness, angst, eventual smut, poorly translated french and dutch, swearing, mention of parent loss, emotionally abusive parent, slight social media au, kendall jenner as fc (potentially more i’ll add as i go along)

a/n . . . so i took a bit of a hiatus, but upon returing i found i had written this chapter months ago and for some reason never published it, so here it is, more to come in the coming days )

Max Verstappen was usually a picture of confidence, there was very little that made him nervous; after all he spent his life driving at 200 miles an hour. Max was consistently cool, calm and collected no matter what he was doing, that’s just who he was. But as he stood in front of your apartment door, he felt a chill of uncertainty deep within. He had rehearsed his words a thousand times, but now, as he prepared to knock on the door, all eloquence seemed to escape him. Could he do this? Should he do this? Even though his friendship with you was still fresh, it had come to mean a lot to him, and if he did what he wanted to do, he was well aware that he could lose the newfound friendship. “It’s now or never” he spoke out loud to himself before finally gathering the courage to knock on the door. When the door swung open, revealing you stood there in your pajamas holding a rather large glass of wine, Max couldn’t help but second guess whether he should be doing this.  

“Hey Max, I-” you started, trying to find a way to apologize for kissing him and then completely ghosting him immediately following the kiss, but was interrupted by the Dutchman’s voice cutting through. 

“Wait, Y/N. Just let me get this out” His words hung in the air, heavy with anticipation, and you watched as he took a deep breath to steady himself. It was evident in the way his hands trembled that this was not an easy moment for him. Despite his anxiety, Max looked directly into your eyes, his sincerity shining through. 

“30th of September 2017. That is the day that you and I met, I remember it like it was yesterday. Pierre and I knew each other from karting but when he got his seat at Toro Rosso, and you came with him to the Malaysian GP, we met each other for the first time. When I saw you for the first time, I thought you were the most beautiful girl I had ever seen in my life, and when I got to know you, I realized that not only were you the most beautiful girl, but you were also the kindest and funniest girl too. But you were with Pierre.”  

For a second Max stopped, wondering if it was too late to run away and pretend that this never happened. He couldn’t bring himself to look you in the eye, afraid of what he would see. You were frozen, slowly taking in every word he said.  

“You were with Pierre, and I knew I needed to respect that. So, I ignored everything I knew I felt for you. I kept you at arms length as nothing more than Pierre’s girlfriend because I knew the more I got to know you to harder it would be to ignore how I felt. And I was right; because as I've spent more time with you, it’s made it impossible for me to pretend that this isn't how I feel. I know this is selfish of me, I know that the last thing you need right now is me making things more complicated for you after everything you’ve been through, but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about that kiss. I can’t pretend anymore. You deserve so much more than how Pierre has treated you.” 

Max's confession hung in the air, and as he finally looked into your eyes for the first time since he started speaking, his own were filled with trepidation. He feared that he might see disgust or anger in your expression, but what he found instead was a bewildered look, a mix of surprise and confusion. For a moment, silence prevailed as you tried to process the whirlwind of emotions that his words had stirred within you. Max, sensing your confusion, stammered out an apology. "I'm sorry, Y/N. I shouldn't have put you in this position." He took a step back, as if ready to retreat and give you space to collect your thoughts. "If you want me to go, just say the word." 

You shook your head, still unable to find the right words. "No, Max, please stay," you finally managed to say softly. "I just need a moment to process all of this." You motioned for him to come back inside, and as he entered your home, the air was filled with a sense of uncertainty.  

Max stood there, his gaze locked onto yours, and it was clear that he was waiting anxiously to hear what you had to say. You could see the nervous anticipation in his eyes, the way his fingers slightly trembled. It wasn't just your feelings that were in turmoil; Max's emotions were on display as well. 

"Max," you began again, your voice wavering with raw honesty, "I would be lying if I said that I didn’t feel anything for you. But I’m just so confused." Your gaze dropped to the ground for a moment before returning to meet his earnest eyes. "I met Pierre when I was 13 and we’ve been together since, he was my first and only everything. So even though he hurt me more than I knew was possible, those feelings don’t just disappear” 

You continued, trying to express the jumble of emotions swirling within you. "I like you, a lot. And the time we’ve spent together has been great, but I'm in a place where I have no idea what's going to happen with Pierre. It wouldn't be fair for me to lead you on when I'm still grappling with my own emotions." 

Max nodded, his understanding gaze unwavering. "I get it, Y/N," he replied softly, his voice filled with empathy. "I don't expect you to have all the answers right away, and I don't expect you to suddenly be done with Pierre. But I also don't want to give up on the potential of what we might share." He took a deep breath, a glimmer of hope in his eyes. "So, if you're willing, could we start by going on a date? No expectations, no pressure. Just two people getting to know each other better." 

Your heart swelled with a mix of emotions, but you needed to make sure he understood the complexity of your situation. You searched his eyes for any signs of hesitation and, finding none, you mustered a small, genuine smile. "Okay, Max," you replied, “If you’re sure you’re okay with me not really knowing what I’m doing, then I’d happily go on a date with you.” 

As Max heard your tentative agreement to go on a date, a radiant smile spread across his face, illuminating his entire expression. It was as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders, and his eyes sparkled with genuine happiness and relief. His excitement was palpable, and it showed in the way he couldn't contain a small, triumphant chuckle. 

Max's voice, once tinged with nervousness, now carried a buoyant enthusiasm as he said, "Thank you, Y/N. I promise there's no rush, no pressure. We can take things as slow as you need. I'm just grateful for the chance." You truly didn’t know what was going to happen, you liked Max, but you loved Pierre. Things were pretty much as complicated as they could be, but Max had made you feel like it was okay that you were confused, it was okay that you didn’t know what you were doing.  

Content that you had agreed to go on a date, Max stood up to leave and as he reached the door, you noticed a moment of hesitation in his gaze. It was as if he was contemplating something, and for a brief second, you thought he might lean in for a kiss. Your heart raced at the possibility, but then you saw the doubt flicker in his eyes, and his lips curved into a warm, sincere smile. He decided to step closer and envelop you in a gentle hug. 

The embrace was warm and comforting, and as Max held you, you couldn't help but feel a wave of happiness wash over you. There was something undeniably exciting about the prospect of this new chapter, despite the complicated circumstances that had led to it. The mix of emotions that had coursed through you during the day seemed to have settled into a pleasant anticipation. 

As you climbed into bed that night, you were amazed by the unexpected shift in your mood. Instead of feeling worried or stressed about the uncertain future, you were filled with excitement and happiness. Max's genuine interest and the possibilities that lay ahead left you with a sense of hope and a newfound joy that you hadn't anticipated. 

Taglist - @lordperceval-16 @omarsiglia @tom-rec @hiraethrhapsody @barnestatic @ironmaiden1313 @dudenhaaa27 @aundercover @amalialeclerc @icarus-nex @reidsworld @simxican @idkiwantchocolatee @ruleroftheuniverse @faithm120601 @eugene-emt-roe @bicchaan @leclercdream @be-your-coffee-pot @pjofics @yunnie-f1 @girlintheredscarf @larastark3107 @rosalysaoirse @mycenterfold @janeholt3 @daddyslittlevillain @gaslysainz @princessria127 @laneyspaulding19 @fangirl125reader

[drinkthehalo]

Goodbye to the McKittrick Hotel

April 16, 2011. My friend Tammy had told me she'd seen an incredible production of Macbeth that she was certain I would love. I walked into the McKittrick Hotel that Saturday night with no idea that I was entering a place that would change my life forever.

What an extraordinary, fruitful place of creative energy it was. How wild, almost unbelievable, that such a place survived in New York City for nearly fourteen years. 

My first impression: You have to walk around and climb stairs and wear a mask? How can you do Shakespeare without dialog? Until I realized the dialog was in the dance, and the rave shocked my jaded sensibilities, and I was in a tiny room with a beautiful sobbing naked man, and then I went home and dreamed about it and knew I had to go back.

Then the parties. Halloween 2011 was the best event party I had ever been to - welcoming, engaging, fun. For fourteen years the McKittrick became my Halloweens, my New Years Eves, my May Fairs (I didn't even know that was a thing), that wonderful exhausting year of 2016 when they did Supercinema almost every month. The parties became more elaborate, the costumes, the set designs, the stories, the interactions, the performances. The Paisley Players, the epic ballroom extravaganzas, the tableaus in the walled garden...

Remixed (the first) remains the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life. November Rain at the banquet. The Imperial March in the maze. Diamonds are Forever, forever...

The Boy Witch party made me cry and cry. Two nights only and it was probably the best thing I've ever seen. The carousel on the ballroom stage, the fire, the lady in pink tights, the lost love. Every time I hear that version of Crazy in Love, I feel that emotion again.

At the Clue party, Maximilian led us through the floors, and we watched Neil Patrick Harris chop off his own head in the Macbeth bedroom.

Fourth of July 2012, after the show, a marching band played as we climbed six floors to the roof to reveal a beautiful secret garden where we watched the fireworks. Gallow Green was magical in the early days, with Paul Corning's gardener watering plants and occasionally leading people away, and Annabella planting herbs and making potions with us.

One day after the show, Lulu put a stamp on my hand and told me to go to the elevator. I took it up and a character led me into the Heath for the first time. We'd go there for drinks or dinner, watch Elizabeth Lindsey glide through the space like watching a portal into a film noir, follow instructions on secret notes and hope to win the lottery. (Once I did; Ginger took me, blindfolded, to High Street, and I still have the memories of discombobulated absurdity - and a spoon with my name engraved on it.)

Then they put a cozy little Scottish lodge on the roof, with bunk beds and blankets and heaters, and a forest out back with a canoe? in a tent. We'd huddle around the fire pit, or sprawl on the bed. All the books were pre-1939. At some point there was a room full of board games. My friend Matty would sit at the desk writing his dissertation and people thought he was a character.

I watched Rosemary's Baby on the rooftop, curated by Amy Poehler, and Vertigo in the ballroom, shivering in the air conditioner.

Calloway started doing these "salons" in the Manderley after the show, with songs and narratives and recurring characters and Hans dying every time. Then one day the email said something about "McKittrick Follies," and I showed up and characters were singing and telling stories and everyone was drinking and talking into the night.  

I can't believe we were so spoiled by that boundless creative energy for so long. For months? years? we had a weekly Follies, then... biweekly? Sunday afternoons we'd sit on the beds in the Lodge drinking mulled wine before going down to the Follies; then Wednesdays I'd work late and walk into the Manderley at 10pm, or go home and walk up the High Line to come back, listening to the show crowd's excited chatter as they exited, entering to music and humor and drinks that flowed and flowed and flowed. So much extraordinary talent, all concentrated in this one place and sparkling off of each other, creating and creating and creating.

Ginger was so funny. Lily's voice was beautiful. Mallory was the bawdiest thing. Nick's Maximilian was a true original. Conor and Austin were so awkward and snarky. JWW has the most dear, sweet, unique style. I can't list everyone; I can't believe we were blessed with so much. 

There were so many incredible singers and musicians over the years. Kat Cunning. Lisa McQuade. Julia Haltigan. Stephanie Amoroso. Onalea Gilbertson. Every iteration of the Manderley band was full of wildly talented musicians. I was lucky enough to see Cibo Matto in the Heath, and Leslie Odom Jr in the Manderley. The place was absolutely punching above its weight in terms of talent.

I learned to drink in the Manderley bar. When I first went, the only drink I knew how to order was a Sex on the Beach. I had my first gin gimlet at the Manderley Bar. The Professor, Brandon Tyler Harris, asked me what gin I liked, and I didn't know, so I tried them all and discovered that it's Hendricks. Then I switched to smoky mezcal margaritas, and drank them for years, occasionally starting trends. Later it was scotch sours, smoky Laphroaig, heaven in a glass. At the Heath they'd had my all time favorite drink, long gone; something with Scotch, orgeat, and a cabernet float... I'm at the age now where I've largely had to stop drinking; the era of alcohol in my life will always be tied up in the McKittrick.

If it weren't for Sleep No More, I wouldn't have gone to London and made many of my dearest friends; would never have experienced Shanghai the way I did, with local friends to guide me.

Lily Ockwell brought me on the Manderley stage on my birthday. The lights were very bright. Could she have imagined how utterly terrified I was? In a good way.

At my 100th show, Kit/Ginger bought me a drink as soon as I walked in.

Gus from front of house overheard me talking about an upcoming trip to Shanghai and invited himself along. We had so much fun, we took a trip to Costa Rica the next year.

After my cat Lucifer died, London gave me the biggest hug as soon as he saw me.

At Austin Goodwin's Juilliard graduation performance, the whole evening was so beautiful. All these extraordinary young people who'd worked so hard, accomplished so much, brimming with possibility for their futures. I wanted so much to be one of the families, full of pride and love for someone I'd helped nurture. When I wrote a tumblr post wrestling with the decision to have a child, Austin sent me a message telling me he thought I'd make a good mother. It is one of the kindest things anyone has ever done for me, and helped me make one of the hardest decisions I've ever made.

Once on new years eve, Anabella gave me a Tarot card - Ten of Pentacles. I knew when I got that card that it was about my desire to have my own family, a child of my own. I put it on my fridge as inspiration and it's still there next to pictures of my kid.

I met my best friend on High Street, looking in the window of the tailor shop, watching Paul Zivkovich as a clown. This is the friend who is now in my will to take care of my child if I die.

I say I'm not creative, but the McKittrick brought out the creativity I do have. So many words in this blog. Several interviews for academic papers or articles. A box full of costumes in my closet: Andrea Alden in the Infidelity Ballet scene; Medusa out of a bunch of plastic snakes I painted and attached to a headdress; Vampire Willow; a Baz Luhrman Capulet; Mrs White. I see photos and find myself wearing costumes I don't even remember.

In early 2020, I hadn't been going to Sleep No More for a while, but when covid got scary, suddenly that's where I had to be. I was there until the day I showed up and the doors were closed.

I genuinely wonder, will I ever be as good at anything in my adult life as I was at following the Macbeth loop? I knew just where to stand, to view a perfect wide shot, to see a close up at a respectful distance. I loved to follow Macbeth down the corridor into the rave, a shadow halo'd in red, arms out against the tin walls. And to follow him out, running full speed, enraged and out of control as the music swelled and he went into the speakeasy to kill Banquo; there was no room for anything but adrenaline and utter absorption in the moment. To follow the Macbeths down the stairs as they screamed and shoved and kissed chocolate blood all over each others' faces. To stand still in the bedroom as they danced and fought around the room, the audience swarming around them, everything moving around me from close up to wide shot to close up. 

Will anything bring as much peace as a Porter loop? I could always go there when I was sad. The hotel lobby was my favorite space. So dark it was almost black; figures emerging through the shroud of darkness. The tiny office, the papers and pencils. The sweet silliness of that character, the eternal hope. The overwhelming sadness. To be the one not chosen. Trapped, unable to change anyone's fate, watching and witnessing.

I used to think, there's a lot of downtime in this loop between the big moments like the cabaret, but in the end I realized, there is no downtime. Every moment is beautiful. I'd go there just to see the ominous deer loom over him as he reset the dining room, or to see those white sheets moving through the darkness like abstract art.

Zach McNally's Porter was my first 1:1, in 2012. I remember watching the tears down his face during the cabaret and thinking, wait, this character is as important as the Boy Witch. On Saturday, I watched him fade away into the shadows for the last time.

At the very last show, Andrew Robinson's Porter cried along with the audience as we watched him trace his hand. At the end, he cut his toast into a tiny heart and gave it to Danvers. She burst into tears, cut it in half, and they ate it together.

Boy Witch ended for me when my favorites left; it was all memories, echoes of the past. I'll never forget Conor, who always saw me, no matter how far away I stood, and always created some little moment to make my night special. 

(I used to rarely watch the shower scene, and once he ran up to me in the bar and told me, you paid for your ticket, you can watch what you want to watch.)

Oddly, at my second-to-last show, I followed Macduff. Never a favorite, but the choreography is so good. Steven Bangerter looks and moves so much like Rob McNeill, and his sweetness balances out the character. How extraordinary to see the echoes of Rob, who was in the 2003 London production, so clearly and vividly, 21 years and who knows how many performers later. (I did not see the original production, but there are photos, and the first time I saw Rob in the Drowned Man I thought, wow, he moves like Macduff.)

I was noticing new things up until the end. Macbeth, upside down in the ballroom at the reset; the hanged man Tarot card. Macduff, lifting Sexy Witch in the ballroom and spinning her around, like Rob McNeill once did to me as we danced to the finale stage at the end of a Drowned Man.

After the second Remixed, I worked up the nerve to speak to Stephen Dobbie, asked him about the song choices, raved about how great they were. I'd forgotten that the November Rain video actually has a banquet scene in it.

One time I sat across from Felix Barrett at dinner and accidentally changed the ending of the show. I complained that the matron just closes the door to the pagoda and black masks hurry you away; he made a note on his phone and within days it was better.

Once, I had a long conversation with Maxine in the Manderley. (And a few brief ones in London.) Sunday night when I said goodbye, she gave me a hug and said, you've been here all these years.

I don't know why it matters that I met these people. I'm not trying to break into the arts. Maybe I just have so much admiration for the people who've succeeded, in a world that makes it so difficult. Actually if I could have been anyone in the building, it would have been Carrie Boyd; color-coded spreadsheets are my jam. What an unsung superstar. Her salon was the best.

Once after a roundtable, I found a note in my bag from Ilana. "Thank you for your heart and mind." I'd say the same to her.

I don't even know what else to write. Fourteen years of memories. After I post this, I'll think, oh I should have mentioned that other thing too. How can you sum up something that meant so much?

The McKittrick was at the center of my experience of New York City; of my mid-adulthood. I will mourn it at the same time as I marvel that it ever happened, that I found it as early as I did, and that it could possibly have lasted so long.

[tanoraqui]

Dungeon Meshi Liveblog: Some Much-Needed Downtime TBH

ok I kinda read these species-swap chapters quickly without commenting 2 nights ago bc I REALLY wanted to catch up to the show, and honestly I didn't have much to say? It was a fun showcase of some different species talents, and introduced multiple fun problems for the characters to solve [takes notes in DM]. But it didn't seem to move either plot or characters forward much. Some notes:

Honestly it's surprising that there's only been 1 count of food poisoning so far, when they're trying SO MANY new things. One must credit Senshi's cooking skills!

This might be the single funniest joke so far:

I've seen multiple posts saying Senshi's elfsona reveals him to be feminine by dwarf standards, and I'm genuinely BAFFLED by that take because it is SO obvious that Senshi's elfsona reveals him to be 1. the Hottest Man You Have Ever Met, and 2. HAIRY. We have seen 0 other elves with facial hair. I dug up that showcase of different elves and 0 of them have facial hair. In the Tolkienien lore from which all modern fantasy, or certainly this sort of fantasy, is derived, exactly 2 elves in the history of the world are said to have had facial hair. Elf!Senshi has a tiny little moustache. Elf!Senshi isn't feminine, he is the HOTTEST, HAIRIEST bear in the metaphorical gay club.

...it's possible that he's more of a himbo than we realize, though.

I don't know what's up with Kensuke and I AM worried that it's being directed by the demon. I want it to be Laios's friend so bad...

It occurs to me that "the winged lion is actually the demon at the root of all of this" is probably the biggest spoiler I've gotten, and I didn't even realize how huge a spoiler it was because I DIDN'T get spoilered for the fact that, so far as the characters know, the lion is supposed to be a helpful god. Don't play with spoilers, kids! Even if you want to read the juicy meta!

This initial fight with the gargoyles is probably my new second-favorite "Laios is really quickly analytical and problem-solving in combat" moment (the living armor fight is still #1). He sees how everyone is failing, prevents more problems as he can, realizes they can't win and puts together what pieces they need to get out. In group social dynamics, he's a mediocre leader at best, but he's a superb combat tactician.

Laios is just living in his own little after-school special, and I love him for that.

That first panel is definitely support for the theory that the 50-60yr life expectancy of "short-lived" races like tallmen, orcs, kobolds and halffeet is shorter than it should be, relative to their ages of maturity, because the long-lived races control and hold most of the resources. It's even possible that their ages of maturity SHOULD be even older, but social conditions force them to become "adults" at a younger developmental age than dwarves, gnomes and especially elves!

Panel 3 is Marcille mentally shoving Chilchuck higher on her list of Lives to Extend by Whatever Magic I Can Learn.

I love how the way they figure out that the mushrooms' effects are easily reversible is literally by thinking through the greater social worldbuilding implications of the effects.

^This is the single most Dad we've ever seen Chilchuck...topped only by that 'carry child like a football' a moment later. Actually, he yeets Marcille a LOT while tall - here, over the jump in the travel montage, with Laios to make a loop for the gargoyle...which I'm dead certain is an indication of how he physically treated his daughters. Those kids got casually, affectionately tossed like salad.

.

AND THAT'S WHAT WE CALL FRIENDSHIP.

...okay maybe I did have several thoughts about those 2 chapters.

.

"[Falin] was much tougher than I was. I hear she and our parents still write to each other" is SUCH a line for painting a picture of Laios and Falin's childhoods, and Laios's feelings on it.

.

you can keep your Kabru Wink(TM)s, I am weak only for the Laios Fond Little Smile(TM).

.

I love how Senshi is still musing on this soul = egg metaphor, and I LOVE how both times now that we've seen Laios genuinely lose his temper, it's because someone was saying "why are you just being excited about eating monsters when Falin is in danger?!", and he's snapping because he is fucking NOT dismissing his sister in favor of eating monsters, he is doing EVERYTHING IN HIS POWER to save her and it just so happens that the only plans with a smidgen of success involve leaning into eating monsters. And by trying to stop him from that, you're stopping him from saving Falin.

.

Laios, how tf do you remember the Wink? I'm 99% sure Kabru never once winked in your interactions; I WAS looking for it. Was he just exuding wink energy? (I mean...yes.)

.

The dramatic irony jokes in this chapter are on POINT. Chilchuck: "There's no way this thing still works" [tram door slams shut on his heels, cars immediately starts moving]. "You won't find a military company in the dungeon" [smash cut to Shuro, Namari and Kabru unhappily leading the Canaries into the dungeon]. Impeccable.

Stopping this one here in preparation for going nuts about implied elf-related worldbuilding in the next chapters!

[chrrybbmb]

STARRING ... BTS OT7 X READER

A/N ... this was actually supposed to come out on valentines day... which obviously did not happen 😭. but it's out now and it's super cute <3 i hope you guys have as much fun reading it as i did writing it!!

NOTES/WARNINGS ... seven love letters for seven members of bts, inspired very much by to all the boys i've loved before. non-idol!au. all in all just wholesome.

WORD COUNT ... 5.2k

to kim seokjin,

i feel awkward writing this. but i feel like i just need to tell someone, and i have nobody to tell. so i'm writing it down, even though i know you'll never see it and i'll be the only person to read this.

there were many instances where i've have the fleeting thought i might be in love with you. too, too many to count. but i still remember the first time. i think that might be the only time that matters.

it was a few years ago. three or so, i think.

we were sitting on that stupid bench outside the convenience store, the one with the peeling paint and the wobbly leg that always made me feel like it was seconds from collapsing under us. i don’t even remember what we were talking about—something dumb, probably, something that didn’t matter. but then you laughed. really laughed. head thrown back, eyes crinkling, like whatever i’d said was the funniest thing you’d ever heard.

and something about it���about you—just stuck.

i remember staring at you, feeling like the world had slowed down, like everything else had blurred into the background and all i could focus on was the sound of your laughter and the way your shoulders shook with it. and that’s when i knew. or, maybe, that’s when i started to know.

i don’t think i’ve ever stopped knowing since.

it never really surprised me, after that. the way i felt about you. because if there was ever a person who was just easy to love, it was you.

you made it effortless. the way you filled every space you were in, the way your presence felt like sunlight warming my skin even on the coldest days. you had this way of making people feel seen, like they mattered, like even their smallest thoughts were worth listening to. and maybe that’s why it felt so natural, why falling for you wasn’t this sudden, earth-shattering thing. it was quiet. like breathing. like something that had been happening all along, and i just hadn’t noticed.

you were just you. frustratingly charming, always knowing exactly what to say to make someone laugh or ease their worries. thoughtful in the little ways people don’t always notice—holding doors open, making sure everyone got home safe, remembering the things people said offhandedly and bringing them up weeks later like they were important. like they were important.

you made it so easy to love you, jin. too easy. sometimes i wish it had been harder. maybe then, i wouldn’t still feel this way.

you were always checking in on me. in ways that didn’t seem like much at the time, but now i realize they were everything.

you’d text me after a long day, just to ask if i’d eaten. if i said no, you’d scold me in that half-serious way of yours, telling me i needed to take care of myself before sending a picture of whatever you were eating, like that would somehow convince me to do the same. and sometimes it did. sometimes it didn’t, and you’d show up the next day with snacks, acting like you just happened to have extra.

you always noticed when i was off, too. when i wasn’t saying much, when my laugh sounded a little forced, when something was weighing on me but i didn’t want to say. you never pushed, never pried—just let me know you were there. that was the thing about you. you never needed grand gestures, never made a big deal out of it. you just were. present. constant. like no matter what, i’d turn around and there you’d be, ready to listen, ready to distract me, ready to just exist beside me if that’s what i needed.

and i think that’s what made it all the more painful. because you cared so easily, so freely, with no expectations. and i was just one of many. just another person lucky enough to be on the receiving end of your kindness.

but for me, you were never just another person.

i never stopped falling in love with you after that first time.

it wasn’t something that happened all at once. it wasn’t dramatic or desperate, the way people talk about love in books or movies. it was slow, steady—like the tide coming in, like something inevitable. every time you smiled at me, every time you remembered something small i’d said in passing, every time you looked at me like i was worth something. every moment with you was another drop in the ocean, another reason why i couldn’t stop even if i wanted to.

and now, i’m leaving. moving halfway across the world, starting over in a place where you won’t be. where there won’t be late-night convenience store runs or your voice on the other end of a call telling me to take care of myself. where i won’t get to see you throw your head back when you laugh or feel your arm bump against mine in a crowded room like a silent reminder that you’re there.

but i think, i hope, that will be enough.

because if there’s one thing i know, it’s that you kept my heart full. in the ways that mattered. in the ways that will last, even from a distance. i don’t know if i’ll ever stop loving you, but maybe that’s okay. maybe love doesn’t have to be something that disappears. maybe it can just be something i carry with me, something warm to hold onto, something that reminds me i was lucky enough to have you in my life at all.

so this is my goodbye, i guess. not to you, not really, because you’ll never read this. but to the version of me that spent all these years loving you in silence. she deserves to rest now.

to min yoongi,

i think i’ve always had a crush on you, long before i realized how deep my feelings ran.

it started small—little things i brushed off as admiration, as liking you the way anyone would like someone as effortlessly cool as you. the way you carried yourself, so sure, so steady. the way your words were measured, thoughtful, like you never spoke just to fill the silence. the way your presence was quiet but never unnoticed.

i thought it was just that. a simple, fleeting thing. but then i started noticing more. the way your eyes softened when you were listening, really listening. the way you remembered things people said, even things they didn’t think mattered. the way you’d hum absentmindedly when you were lost in thought, like music lived in you so naturally you didn’t even realize you were letting it spill out.

and then, one day, it hit me.

it wasn’t just a crush. it hadn’t been for a long time.

but i think i could’ve kept pretending—could’ve kept tucking those feelings away, convincing myself they were small enough to ignore—if it weren’t for that night. the night everything shifted.

we were both drunk, but not the kind of drunk that makes you forget. the kind that makes everything feel sharper, more intense, like the world is moving in slow motion but your heart is racing to keep up.

i don’t even remember how it happened. just that one second, we were sitting too close, your knee pressed against mine, your eyes dark and heavy-lidded as you watched me talk. and then the next, your hand was in my hair, your breath was warm against my lips, and you were kissing me like you’d been waiting to do it for years.

and maybe you had. maybe we both had.

but the moment it was over, reality came rushing back. you pulled away first, blinking like you were trying to clear the haze, licking your lips like you could still taste me there. for a second, i thought you might say something—anything—but instead, you just exhaled a soft, almost regretful laugh and said, we should sleep this off.

and that was it. no follow-up, no next morning conversation, no acknowledgment that something between us had cracked open that night.

but i felt it. and i think you did too. but if you felt it, you sure didn’t show it.

the next morning, you acted like nothing had happened. no hesitation, no awkwardness, no second glances that might have given you away. just the same old yoongi—calm, composed, like the night before was nothing more than a blurred memory easily tucked away.

meanwhile, i was unraveling.

every time you looked at me, i swore my skin burned. every casual touch—your hand brushing against mine when you passed me something, your knee bumping into me when we sat too close—felt like a spark catching fire. i kept waiting for you to say something, to acknowledge it, to let me know i wasn’t losing my mind.

but you didn’t. you were fine. normal.

and i hated that.

because if you could pretend it didn’t mean anything, then maybe it really didn’t. maybe it was just a drunken mistake to you, something insignificant, something easily forgotten.

but i couldn’t forget. i couldn’t go back to how things were before. because for me, that kiss had been the confirmation of something i’d spent too long trying to ignore.

i was in love with you. and you, as far as i could tell, were perfectly fine without ever speaking about it again.

so that’s it, i guess.

i don’t know why i even started writing this. maybe because it’s the only way to let this feeling go, to put it somewhere outside of myself so it stops weighing me down. or maybe because i just wanted to see the words written out, proof that this wasn’t all in my head.

but it doesn’t matter now. because i won’t get to kiss you again.

i won’t get to know if you ever thought about it after that night, if it crossed your mind the way it haunted mine. i won’t get to see if your hands would shake the next time, if you’d pull me in closer instead of pulling away. i won’t get to know if maybe, just maybe, you felt something too.

and you’ll never know what that kiss meant to me.

how it unraveled me. how it made me realize that all this time, i hadn’t just been carrying around some harmless little crush—i’d been carrying you. loving you in silence, in stolen glances, in the spaces between all the things i never said.

and maybe that’s how it’s meant to be. maybe some loves aren’t meant to be spoken, just felt. just held onto for as long as they let you.

so this is me letting go.

to jung hoseok,

a tale as old as time, a stupid cliché. falling in love with your best friend.

but i think i loved you even before i was in love with you.

i loved you in the way a person loves their favorite song—something constant, something that could play in the background of their life forever and never get old. i loved you in the way a person loves the sunrise, knowing it’ll always come back, always be there, even on the days it hides behind the clouds.

and then, one day, it changed.

one day, i wasn’t just loving you in that simple, steady way. one day, i was looking at you too long when you laughed, feeling something ache when you smiled at someone else like that, holding my breath when your arm slung over my shoulders because suddenly, suddenly, it wasn’t the same anymore.

i don’t know when it happened. i don’t know if there was a single moment, a turning point, a second in time where my heart decided to cross that line. all i know is that once it did, there was no going back.

you were there for me in ways no one else was. in ways no one else could be.

through every ugly moment—every time i broke down, every time i fell apart, every time i swore i was too much of a mess for anyone to love—you stayed. you never looked at me like i was a burden, never hesitated when i needed you, never made me feel like i had to be better to deserve your kindness.

you held me when i cried, even when i tried to push you away. you let me be angry when the world felt unfair, never telling me to calm down or get over it, just listening, just being there. you saw every side of me, even the ones i hated, and you still looked at me like i was worth something. like i mattered.

and maybe that’s why loving you like this was inevitable. because how could i not fall for someone who loved me even at my worst?

but that’s the thing, isn’t it? you loved me, but not the way i loved you.

and now, you’re engaged.

i remember the day you told me. your beaming smile, her hand in yours, the ring catching the light. you looked happy. really happy. and when i saw it, i realized something that should have been obvious a long time ago.

i was never meant to be the love of your life.

maybe there was a time when i thought i could be. maybe there was a time when i let myself imagine what it would be like if things were different—if you had looked at me the way you look at her, if all those years of standing by your side had led to something more.

but love doesn’t work like that, does it? it doesn’t matter how long i’ve loved you, how deeply, how quietly. it doesn’t matter that i know you better than almost anyone else. it doesn’t matter that you’ve seen every broken piece of me and never once flinched.

because you found the person who makes your heart light up, who makes you sure. and that person isn’t me.

and as much as it hurts, as much as it aches in a way i don’t have the right to name, i think i can live with that. because you’re happy. and because, despite everything, i still love you.

even if it’s not the way i once hoped you’d love me back.

to kim namjoon,

this is my fourth letter. i'm starting to realise now how cathartic it is to put these words on paper, to share them with a part of myself that had always been in denial.

i loved you. i love you. and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

for so long, i tried to convince myself otherwise. i told myself that loving you was a mistake, that it was something i should be ashamed of, something i should erase. but i don’t think that anymore. because love—real love—doesn’t just vanish because you tell it to. it lingers, it changes shape, but it never truly disappears.

and god, namjoon, we were love.

not perfect, not easy, not without our flaws. but it was real. every late-night conversation, every shared silence, every moment where we felt like the only two people in the world. even when it was hard, even when we hurt each other, there was never a second where what we had wasn’t real.

so why did we let it slip away?

i used to think it was because we weren’t meant to be. because love, no matter how strong, isn’t always enough to hold two people together. and maybe that’s still true. but sometimes, i wonder if we just weren’t ready. if we met at the wrong time, if we expected too much of each other before we even knew who we really were.

or maybe we just let go too soon. maybe we gave up when we should have fought harder.

but none of that matters now, does it? we’ve moved on. at least, you have. i see glimpses of your life sometimes—through friends, through the places you go that i no longer belong to, through the way your name still lingers in conversations i pretend not to listen to. and you seem… okay.

i want to be okay, too.

so maybe this letter is my way of making peace with it. with us. with the love that still exists in some quiet, untouched corner of my heart. i won’t try to bury it anymore. i won’t try to rewrite what we were into something smaller, something easier to forget.

i loved you. i love you. and maybe i always will, in some way.

but that doesn’t mean i can’t learn to let you go.

it just makes it harder.

because you weren’t just someone i loved. you were my first everything.

my first love, my first heartbreak. the first person who saw me—really saw me—and made me believe i was worth looking at. the first voice i wanted to hear in the morning, the first arms i wanted to fall asleep in at night. the first person who made me think maybe this is it. maybe this is what forever feels like.

you were the first to hold my hand like it meant something. the first to kiss me like you were memorizing me. the first to tell me that love wasn’t just about grand gestures and poetry, but about the quiet moments, too—the ones that didn’t need words, the ones that felt like home.

and when we fell apart, it wasn’t just you i lost. it was the version of myself that existed when i was with you. the girl who believed in love without hesitation, who thought that if you just held on tight enough, it would be enough to make things last.

but we didn’t last, did we?

maybe that’s why i’m writing this letter. trying to piece together the parts of me that shattered when we ended. trying to make peace with the fact that you were my first everything, but you won’t be my last.

at least, that’s what i keep telling myself.

but the truth is, if you were my last, i think i’d still be okay with that.

because what we had was enough. enough to teach me what love feels like, enough to prove that it exists—that it’s real, that it can be soft and messy and beautiful all at once. enough that even if i never get to love like that again, i can still say that i did.

and maybe that’s what really matters. not whether or not i find it again, not whether or not someone else takes up the space in my heart that once belonged to you. but the simple fact that we were. that for a moment in time, we had something real, something worth remembering.

i’ll always love you, namjoon. maybe not in the way i used to, maybe not in a way that demands anything of you anymore.

but in a way that’s warm. in a way that’s grateful.

thank you for everything.

to park jimin,

i hated you before i loved you.

we were always pushing each other, and you were always one step ahead, always smirking like you knew something i didn’t, always pushing me just far enough to make me want to prove you wrong. and i hated it. i hated the way you got under my skin, the way you made me work twice as hard just to keep up. but even more than that, i hated how much i loved it.

i still don’t know how this happened. how we went from trying to one-up each other every chance we got to… this.

if someone had told me back then that i’d end up writing you a letter like this, i would’ve laughed in their face. me? in love with park jimin? impossible. absurd. completely unthinkable.

and yet, here we are.

you made everything—everything—a competition. who could run faster, who could drink more, who had the best comebacks, the sharpest wit. we spent years wrapped up in this ridiculous, never-ending battle of proving who was better, smarter, funnier, more everything.

and god, it was fun. you frustrated the hell out of me, but you made me better. every smirk, every teasing remark, every time you raised a brow like you were daring me to keep up—i hated it, but i loved it. i think maybe I was falling for you even then, even before i realized what that rush in my chest actually meant.

but i didn’t let myself realize it. not for a long time.

because that would’ve meant admitting defeat. and if there was one thing i refused to do when it came to you, it was lose.

i stopped hating you, though. i started hating the little things about you instead.

i hated the way your hair fell over your eyes when you laughed, because it made me want to reach out and push it back. hated the way your voice dipped just a little lower when you were being serious, because it sent a shiver down my spine. hated the way you’d find me in a crowded room without even trying, like it was second nature to you.

i hated your stupid cologne, because it lingered even after you were gone. hated how you knew exactly what to say to make people adore you, because i wasn’t immune to it either.

hated your girlfriend.

not because she wasn’t good for you, but because she was. she was kind, she was smart, she was someone who met you in the middle instead of constantly trying to meet you at the finish line. she made you laugh in ways i wasn’t sure i ever had.

and god, i hated her for that.

because by then, it wasn’t a competition anymore. i wasn’t trying to win. i was just trying to stop losing.

but i did lose, didn’t i?

because you’re happy, and i’m here, writing this letter like it’ll somehow make a difference. like it’ll rewind time or rewrite the rules or do anything other than sit in a drawer somewhere, unread, while you keep moving forward without me.

but it’s fine. it’s fine, because i meant what i said before.

if love was a game, you won.

to kim taehyung,

this is ridiculous. i don’t even know why i’m writing this. maybe i just need to get it out of my system. maybe i just need to admit to myself that i still think about you, even though I have no reason to.

we met at a bar. i don’t even remember which one. maybe i wasn’t paying attention, maybe i was already too caught up in you—the lazy tilt of your smile, the way your voice curled around your words like you weren’t in a hurry to say anything at all.

you were charming. too charming. the kind of charming that should come with a warning label.

and i should’ve known better, really. but that night, i didn’t want to know better. i just wanted you.

and for a few hours, i had you.

we didn’t talk much—not in the ways that mattered. i never told you my name, and you never told me yours. but that didn’t stop you from pressing your lips to my neck like you were memorizing the taste, from dragging your fingers down my spine like you wanted to map out every inch of me.

it was just a one-night thing. just a fleeting, meaningless moment between two strangers.

so why do i still remember the sound of your laugh? why does the ghost of your touch still linger on my skin? why do i keep catching glimpses of you in places i know you’ve never been?

i never saw you again after that night. i don’t think i ever will.

but if i did, i wonder—would you remember me, too?

probably not. and that should’ve been the end of it.

except… i found you.

not in real life. not by accident. not in some fate-woven, meant-to-be kind of way. no, i found you the way people find people these days—through the internet, through late-night curiosity and a shameful amount of scrolling.

your name came up in conversation once, just a passing mention. apparently you're a friend of a friend. and that was all it took. one name, one search, and suddenly there you were. smiling, laughing, living a life i knew nothing about. a life that had nothing to do with me.

and god, i wish i’d just left it at that. but i didn’t.

because now, i know things i have no business knowing. i know what kind of art you like, the places you travel to, the way you pose when you’re caught off guard in photos. i know what your friends call you, how your dog looks when he’s sleeping, the way you drink your coffee in the morning.

and you don’t even know i exist.

or maybe you do. maybe you did remember me, for a moment, before i faded into just another forgotten face in a long-forgotten night.

i don’t know what’s worse.

but either way, here i am. writing to you like an idiot, knowing i’ll never send this, knowing you’ll never read it.

but if you ever do—if by some strange twist of the universe, you stumble across this—just know that for one night, you weren’t just another stranger to me.

and i guess, in some quiet, ridiculous way, you still aren’t.

because sometimes, i imagine what it would be like if we met again. if i saw you across the room, if our eyes caught, if there was that same flicker of something between us. would you smile? would you tilt your head like you were trying to place me, like maybe I was familiar in a way you couldn’t quite put your finger on?

or would you just nod, polite and distant, before turning back to whatever world you belong to?

sometimes, when i can’t sleep, i imagine us talking. really talking. i fill in the blanks of all the things i don’t know about you. i think you’d be funny. the kind of funny that sneaks up on people, that makes them laugh before they even realize they’re supposed to. i think you’d be thoughtful, too, in that way that’s almost frustrating—saying things that linger, making people feel like they want to tell you everything without really knowing why.

i imagine asking you about your favorite things, and you answering in that slow, deliberate way i remember from that night. i imagine telling you how i found you, how embarrassing it is to admit, how i know things about you that i have no right to know.

and in my head, you just laugh.

like it doesn’t bother you. like you’re used to people getting caught up in you, lingering too long on the edges of something that was never meant to last. like maybe, just maybe, you think it’s a little bit funny, too.

but that’s all it is, isn’t it? just imagination.

because the truth is, i don’t know you. and you don’t know me. and this letter, like that night, like whatever this is, will never be anything more than something fleeting.

but still… i wonder.

to jeon jungkook,

loving you feels like every love i’ve ever known, woven together into something whole.

sometimes, i think you are a culmination of all the people i’ve ever loved. like every fleeting crush, every unspoken confession, every heartbreak was just leading me to you. like the universe took all the things i ever wanted—every little piece of love that once felt unfinished—and stitched them together until they became you.

and now, here we are.

sometimes, when i watch you—when you’re laughing with your head thrown back, when you’re driving with one hand on the wheel and the other resting absentmindedly on my knee, when you’re sleepily mumbling my name like it’s the first word you ever learned—it hits me all over again.

i’m going to marry you.

i don’t just think it. i know it. i feel it in my bones, in the deepest parts of me. you are my forever. the person i will build a life with, wake up beside every morning, grow old with. you are the love i used to dream about, back when i didn’t even know what real love was.

i imagine a future where we have a home that smells like coffee and fresh laundry, where your shoes are always kicked off in the wrong place, where i steal your hoodies even though you pretend to mind. a future where our biggest fights are about what movie to watch, where our days are filled with the kind of quiet, steady love that never wavers, never questions, just is.

i imagine a family. maybe not right away, but one day. little feet running down the hallway, laughter echoing through the walls. a child with your eyes, your smile, your heart—someone who will be so, so lucky to have you as their father.

i imagine forever, and it’s you. it’s always been you.

and i don’t need to wish for it, don’t need to hope, don’t need to hold my breath.

because for the first time in my life, i know i’m already exactly where i’m meant to be.

with you.

i imagine the life we’ll build, the milestones we haven’t reached yet but will. i imagine standing in a quiet nursery, running my fingers over soft blankets, testing out names like they already belong to someone.

i imagine the way your eyes will light up when we find the perfect name, the one that feels like it was always meant to be theirs. i imagine whispering it for months before they’re even born, practicing it like a prayer.

i imagine their first steps, their first words, the way they’ll reach for you before they reach for me because you’re you, and of course, they’ll love you just as easily as i do. i imagine watching you with them, watching the way you’ll love them—endlessly, effortlessly, the way you love everything you care about.

i imagine growing old together.

i imagine silver strands in your dark hair, soft wrinkles forming in the places where your smile has been the brightest. i imagine late mornings where we don’t rush to be anywhere, where we sit together with coffee, flipping through old photo albums, laughing at our younger selves. i imagine knowing you in every form—young and restless, steady and wise, always mine.

and i don’t just imagine it.

i know it.

i know that no matter what life brings, no matter how many years pass, no matter how much we change, there will never be a day where i don’t choose you.

so when i say forever, i don’t mean it as a wish, or a dream, or something fragile enough to slip away.

i mean it as a promise.

i love you, jeon jungkook, more than anything.

taglist : @glossdebut @angellekookie @haru-jiminn

[prettycottonmouthlamia]

I shouldn't have to make this post but Nintendo fans are trying extremely desperately to position the company whose cock they love the taste of in a good light and are generally doing this by spreading misinformation about the legalities of emulation so let's go over a number of the fabrications shall we?

Emulation is illegal to monetize This has so far been one of the really big ones that's taken traction, usually partnered with the sister lie that yuzu was paywalling access to early access builds. These are both lies, and are untrue. yuzu is far from the only modern emulator to be monetizing itself, plenty of mobile emulators do it, but developing an emulator for money is entirely legal. We have pretty much all of our emulation precedent set thanks to a series of lawsuits in the very early 2000s thanks to Sony suing an emulator called Bleem. There's a lot to say about Bleem, but Bleem was a commercial emulator. You could buy Bleem, in stores. At no point was there ever a court decision that Bleem was wrong to do so (despite Sony's best efforts).

Emulating current generation software or hardware is illegal. This is also wrong, and kind of fundamentally misunderstands a lot when it comes to emulation. Once again, Bleem was at the time emulating current generation software. It was a generation in its twilight, but Bleem first released in March of 1999: the Playstation 2 was not out yet. The reason why current generation software does not tend to be emulated is because we do not really have the tech or processing power to do it yet. The Switch's lower specs are entirely the reason it has had an emulator developed well ahead of the PS4 or the Xbone.

Yuzu's early access build allowed people to play Tears of the Kingdom ahead of release date This one is a couple of different statements packed together, and while I'm given to believe there's a chance other games may have been playable ahead of release, this specific statement is a lie, and maybe the funniest one on the list because it's a lie that's not even backed up by the lawsuit.

The lawsuit is extremely clear in its language that it was modded instances of Yuzu that could play Tears of the Kingdom ahead of release date, not publicly accessible builds of Yuzu. Nintendo's argument here lies in Yuzu being open source: part of the lawsuit alleges that Yuzu is responsible for any and all acts of piracy done by its users, whether or not they used official or modded builds of Yuzu. This is, of course, a fundamentally fucking insane position to argue from. It is not a particularly uncharitable reading of this as an attack on open source software to begin with, as this precedent would make any developer liable for ANY illegal action taken by someone who modified their code. Supporting this, in my opinion, makes you an asshole and liable to be clocked in the fucking mouth.

4. Literally anything involving this screenshot.

I've seen this screenshot maybe three or four times with different takes on what exactly Illegal is happening here and I'm pretty content to just call it vibes at this point. Whether this is an intelligent screenshot is a different matter, but no one has been able to point to anything actually illegal being done here. There is already precedent in allowing one to make their own back-ups of software they own, even if decryption or bypassing copy protection to do so, which is a large majority of software. Switch games are not the only games that are either encrypted or have copy protection, and this is both not the earliest generation to do it AND its not the only industry that does it.

The only point of interest here is the date, which I've seen literally no one bring up, but this correlates into another point: personal piracy is still not something Yuzu is liable for. It's a dumb thing to broadcast, but it doesn't change anything material about the software.

5. Yuzu folded because Nintendo had a smoking gun

I, I just, I'm sorry this one isn't just a lie its a really naive and incompetent view of the faults of our legal system. If anything, the settlement seems to indicate the opposite. If Nintendo was sure they had Yuzu dead the rights, they wouldn't have fucking settled. Both parties need to agree to settle! Nintendo is actively interested in trying to set legal precedent that emulation is illegal, because Nintendo is great at saying obviously wrong things with a straight face.

This could be a reason, but remember, this was a civil lawsuit, not a criminal one. Civil lawsuits have a difference in how evidence is handled, and it's pretty likely that Nintendo just has more evidence than user does on account of being able to afford a larger legal team and having planned for this lawsuit in advance, regardless of how strong that evidence actually is. It's why most of the arguments in the lawsuit read kind of insane. Civil lawsuits are not handled "beyond a reasonable doubt".

There's also the fact that legal cases can be extremely expensive, even when you know you are absolutely in the fucking right. I want to link this video by James Stephanie Sterling as evidence of this. They were completely in the fucking right, and the lawsuit still took an incredible amount of time and monetary expense to argue, and that's against an opponent who you could reasonably confuse with a scarecrow. This is ultimately how Sony eventually "won" against Bleem. Bleem never lost any of its lawsuits against Sony, in fact Sony ballsed it up twice against Bleem, but Sony continued to file lawsuits against Bleem and its company over and over, until Bleem literally could not afford it and went bankrupt.

There's also the matter of precedent. If Yuzu had taken this court, and lost, it would be really bad. There's a lot in this court case that you don't want precedent leaning towards, and due to, uh, America's current political climate and judicial regime, there's a fair chance the judge would have just sided with Nintendo anyways. Settling the lawsuit, while to be entirely clear, sucks complete ass for Yuzu as they were basically eliminated, protects the sphere of emulation as a whole.

So what was the salient parts of Nintendo's case?

The parts of Nintendo's case that hold the most weight have to do specifically with the encryption keys used to de-encrypt Switch games, and how those keys interact with the DMCA. There's no legal precedence to back this up, this is thoroughly untested grounds. This is actually where the buck stops with the Bleem cases: this one never went to a judgment for Bleem and hence never established precedent.

There's a pretty reasonable chance that Nintendo had a chance to win the lawsuit off of the back of this point. This doesn't make it a guarantee, but it's the part of the lawsuit that's actually important.

What happened with the settlement?

Well Nintendo got to legally extort the Yuzu devs and their parent company for $2.4 million. This is, strictly speaking, chump change to Nintendo but I in particular hate this part of lawsuits with a passion. In addition, as per the conditions of the agreement, all copies of Yuzu that were released and in development under the purvey of the company must be destroyed, the company and its devs can no longer work on Yuzu in any way possible, and they cannot work on any other emulation software. This is why Citra also closed down by the way: it was an unfortunate emulator in the cross fire. This in and of itself, is a tragedy, since this is basically court mandated brain drain. Undoubtedly Yuzu will be forked and someone will continue development on "Zuyu", but the loss is still felt.

Why should I care? Piracy is illegal.

This is where I'm going to wax philosophical for a moment, but Frankie my dear, I do not give a damn. Nintendo could have had full legal rights to do this, and I would still be of the opinion that Nintendo's legal team are ghouls and shouldn't feel safe showing their faces. This is how I felt when Nintendo shut down Emuparadise. Whether something is illegal does not impact whether it is right. Laws exist in a state of being able to be both just, unjust, or both.

Emulation is extremely important in the preservation of gaming as an artform, something that the game industry is extremely against in all forms. There's money to be made after all, and attempts at making sure that games are available to play are often attacked and criticized. This is part of the reason I'm so against the existence of copyright law. It doesn't matter what the intent of a system is, but it does matter what the system does, and it's transferred an overwhelming amount of power into the hands of large corporations while largely screwing small creators over.

I do not believe art has a price tag to it. I do not believe that art can and should only be enjoyed by the people a company has decided to sell it too. I do not believe that companies like Nintendo should be able to throw their legal weight around and ruin people's lives. You should be able to play Mother 3 and Shin Megami Tensei without having to wait for their parent companies to decide they actually want to sell it to you.

Piracy does not inflict meaningful damages to Nintendo. Despite Nintendo's whinging, Tears of the Kingdom sold over 20 million copies in half a years time, something that we can estimate to have made Nintendo about $1.4 billion in revenue. We live in a game industry which does not care about its game devs: it's perfectly willing to underpay them, to overwork them, and to eventually let them go. Nintendo is not innocent here. They have a history of mistreating their contract workers, and I personally know that these are not the only allegations that hold water.

In short, fuck Nintendo. Pirate all Switch games until the end of time.

[pardonmydelays]

RENT ESSAY PLEASE

VIVA LA VIE BOHEME!

oh, rent is literally one of my favourite musicals ever and i already saw four versions of it if i'm correct - the movie, broadway production with renee elise goldsberry, stage production with jordan fisher (because you all know i love this guy) and this one, our polish production. and honestly, this one was my absolute favourite, even if it wasn't the best one.

here's what i mean: the thing about musical theatre is that even if you love the original version with all your heart experiencing it live is just... on another level. it's different, it's better, because you're there in person. i think it's worth noting that i also saw tick tick boom last year, so two musicals composed by one and only jonathan larson in 2024 (and he is one of my favourite composers and his art means so much to me if you can't tell). it's crazy when you think about it. also, the fact that i could do this with my bestest friend in the world means absolutely everything to me.

i know i am always repeating myself, but damn, our polish cast was literally incredible (especially the actors who played mimi, angel and maureen - so vocally maureen was the best, but those three were my favourites). the entire cast was amazing tho, and the thing i already discussed with bel - i am usually not the biggest fan of mark, but damn, our polish mark was just great (i also loved his outfit).

the thing about outfits! i remember some kids who were sitting behind us were discussing the... bad and confusing choice of their clothes? but...? personally i think they did a great job here because i could recognize every single character as soon as i saw them for the first time on this stage and that says a lot, so where's the lie? (they had a lot of incorrect opinions tho and i just wanted them to shut tf up)

the choreography... ahh. i honestly have shivers when i think about it now. like i said, the entire cast was absolutely incredible, not only vocally, but DAMN THEY KNOW HOW TO DANCE. AND ACT. and this is the magic of live theatre - it's something you can only feel when you're there, seeing it on the screen is just a totally different experience. suddenly you start noticing things you have not seen before, and this is also what i want to talk about.

those of you who decided to read this essay probably know that musical theatre is a serious thing to me and i DO NOT engage with it because i want to be entertained - i do it because i'm looking for the truth, the message, for something that will change my life. and very often seeing it live changes my perspective completely - i suddenly find a whole different meaning, different things speak to me. so here's what happened: during another day (probably my favourite song from this production) i realized that this is literally the message i've been searching for. there is no future, there is no past, i live this moment as my last. this quote has been haunting me ever since. cause rent is not just about community, finding family in complete strangers, it's also about living your life like there's no tomorrow. much to think about.

i think rent hits the most when you're familiar with tick tick boom and jonathan larson's story. the funniest thing is that at the very end of it they literally showed a picture of jon and bel and i were the only people there who started screaming. what the hell. why are you even there if not for jonathan, people.

i seriously had the time of my life and i know for sure that i'll be back one day. amazing, beautiful, a little chaotic (just like this essay), but overall absolutely life changing. can't wait to see it again.