#that dont actually matter to feel better than others about
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omg hiii, i’ve been in my haechan feels lately, especially with him looking unreal from the seoul shows. can we get possessive haechan?? like i swear that man loves his girl down bad, absolutely in love, and he’s so possessive of her like not in a toxic weird way, but like a hot cute endearing way like a way that would make me push him into the dressing room of a clothes store and give him the most best and deserved head he’s ever gotten bc if there’s anything i love, it’s a man who’s down baddd
── .✦ moments of appreciation
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lee donghyuck x fem!reader
𓂃 ࣪˖ ࣪cw: smut, fluff (?), oral (m), deep throat, public sex. 𓂃 ࣪˖ a/n: hi anon... you're so right... i think about this everyday, i meed him in every ways possible, you dont get it... please, enjoy!!! (no, i have nothing for valentine's day, maybe next year, babes 😜😜)
Donghyuck never thought he could love someone the way he loves you. He couldn't quite put into words everything that made him love you, you were simply it for him, perfect in all the right ways.
Yes, you had your imperfections, but to him, love was never about perfection. It wasn't about logic or reason, it simply was. Anyone could love something for all the good it offered, but real love, the kind that mattered, was about embracing everything, even the flaws. And that's exactly how he loved you—completely, without hesitation, without conditions.
He had thought about this before. You could break his heart, shatter him beyond repair, or commit the worst sins imaginable, and he would still love you—helplessly, foolishly. It didn't matter if it sounded irrational, maybe even a little insane. The truth was simple: he would do anything for you, no matter the cost.
But the best part? You were his. No one else's, just his. The thought alone made his chest swell with something dangerously close to obsession. Out of everyone in the world, you had chosen him, and that was a privilege he would never take lightly. You were his, and he was just as much yours, bound to you in a way that felt absolute, unshakable.
And that’s why, even after what felt like days sitting on that little couch, watching you step out of the dressing room in a different outfit each time, he still felt like he was having the best day of his life. Then again, every day felt like the best as long as you were in it.
Really, was there any better way to spend his time than watching his pretty girl try on pretty clothes?
“What do you think about this one?” You asked again, the same question you’d been repeating since the first outfit change.
Donghyuck looked up from his phone, his eyes immediately locking onto you.
“I've never seen anything more beautiful in my life,” he said with a bright smile, letting his gaze travel up and down twice.
“Hyuck, come on,” you rolled your eyes. “You said that the last fifteen times. You’re being useless,” you huffed, crossing your arms.
“How is it my fault that you look stunning in everything?” he shot back, tilting his head with a smirk.
You sighed, shifting your weight from one foot to the other. “I need actual feedback, not just you being a flirt.”
Donghyuck leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees as he gave you a once-over, this time, with a more thoughtful expression. “Okay, fine. Turn around.”
You did as he said, giving him a little twirl before facing him again, an expectant look on your face.
He hummed, tapping his chin dramatically. “I mean… it is a really nice outfit,” he said slowly, making you narrow your eyes at him.
“But?”
“But I still think you are the best part of it,” he grinned, dodging the throw pillow you immediately launched at him.
He got up from his seat, laughing as he walked toward your grumpy figure, wrapping his arms around your waist. "Aw, don't look at me like that, gorgeous," he teased, pressing a kiss to your cheek and chuckling when you turned your face away. "Why are you so worried about this anyway?" he asked, tightening his grip slightly when you tried to pull away.
You hesitated for a moment before sighing. "It's for the reunion," you admitted, avoiding his gaze.
Donghyuck blinked, then tilted his head. "The high school thing?"
"Yes, the high school thing," you huffed. "I don't know, I just... want to look good. It's been years, and I'll be seeing people I haven't seen since we were all awkward teenagers."
His lips curled into a teasing smirk. "Ohhh, I get it now," he cooed. "You wanna show off a little, huh?"
You shot him a glare. "It's not like that—”
"It is like that," he interrupted, grinning. "And honestly? You should. You're hot. Let them eat their hearts out."
Despite yourself, you couldn't help but laugh, shaking your head as he pinched your sides playfully.
"I'm serious, baby. You're stressing over nothing. Just look at you," he said, taking your hand and turning you toward the mirror. His arms wrapped around your waist again, and he rested his chin on your shoulder. "You're breathtaking, the most beautiful woman in the universe and beyond. You could show up in pajamas and still look like a goddess."
You thought you'd be used to his endless flattery by now, but somehow, you never were. It was always sweet, never failing to make your heart skip a beat.
You glanced at him through the mirror, your worries slowly fading as he pressed a soft kiss to your neck.
"You're so dramatic," your tone warm as you rolled your eyes but leaned back into him anyway.
"I'm just telling the truth," he murmured, pressing his nose against your neck. "It's not my fault my overthinking girlfriend needs constant reminders of how stunning she is."
You huffed, but the way your lips twitched betrayed you. "Well, maybe if someone gave me actual opinions instead of just approving everything i wear, I wouldn't have to overthink."
Donghyuck chuckled, swaying you gently in his arms. "Fine, fine. If you really want my expert opinion..." He paused, pretending to scrutinize your reflection in the mirror.
You raised an eyebrow, waiting. "And?”
“Don’t wear this dress.”
“What? Why?” You frowned, glancing at your reflection. “I actually liked this one the most. Does it really look that bad?”
“I never said that,” his hands trailing up and down your waist. “You look incredible, love, but it feels a little too formal for the occasion. The second one you tried fits the vibe better. Plus, it’ll probably be more comfortable… you know, in case we need to make a quick getaway.”
Yeah, he wouldn't admit it, but he wanted you to wear it just for him. You looked too beautiful in it, almost unfairly so, the idea of anyone else seeing you like this, soaking in the sight of you, were a big no-no. Unwanted attention (read: any attention that wasn’t exclusively his) was simply not an option.
“Oh, so you’re already planning our escape before we even get there?” You raised your brows, crossing your arms. “Really?”
Donghyuck chuckled, tightening his grip on your waist as he leaned in, his lips brushing against your ear. "Baby, please. I know you," his voice laced with amusement. "You won't last more than an hour before you start getting annoyed at half the people there. You'll smile, nod, pretend to listen, and then, you'll be counting the minutes until we leave."
He pulled back slightly, just enough to meet your gaze in the mirror, a smug grin on his lips. "So, yeah, I'm already planning our escape. Just being a good boyfriend and thinking ahead.”
"Okay, maybe you have a point," you teased, rolling your eyes as you turned to face him, looping your arms around his neck. "Guess I should thank my thoughtful boyfriend for planning ahead."
"Just doing the bare minimum for my girl," he smiled, leaning in to steal a quick kiss. "Now that we've finally settled on an outfit and I’ve reminded you how perfect you are, can I spoil you and pay for everything you liked?"
You held his gaze, your heart doing that little flutter it always did when he looked at you like that, like you were his entire universe. It was almost overwhelming, the way his eyes softened, filled with something so pure, so consuming.
If love had a shape, a form, a physical presence, you were sure it lived in the way Haechan looked at you. The same way a loyal pet would gaze at their favorite person, full of unconditional adoration, unwavering and endless. His pupils were blown wide, his expression a mix of devotion and something deeper, something you couldn't quite put into words.
“Baby, please, don’t tell me you’re going to refuse again,” he whined at your silence, pouting a little. “Why do you love to ruin my happiness? It's my duty to—”
“I love you, Lee Donghyuck,” you said softly, cupping his face and pulling him into a kiss.
He was surprise by the sudden words and actions, but his shoulders instantly relaxed as he melted into your embrace. He kissed you back with equal passion, murmuring between the kisses, “I love you too,” before peppering your lips with more soft kisses as you pulled away, only for him to chase after you, craving more of your touch.
You couldn't help but giggle at the way he whined in protest when you pulled away for good, placing your hands on his chest to stop him. Biting your lip, you glanced around before tugging his hand, a playful glint in your eyes as you whispered, "Come with me." And just like that, you pulled him into the dressing room.
"What are you doing?" he asked, slightly confused, though he wasn't exactly opposed to whatever you had in mind.
"Just saying thank you for being the sweetest boyfriend ever," you murmured, sinking to your knees in front of him, your hands sliding up his thighs as you looked up at him.
Oh, he knew exactly what was happening. God, he couldn't believe it. His tongue darted out to wet his lips as his heart pounded, the sight of you like this making his pants uncomfortably tight.
"Are you sure, love?" his voice softer now, laced with anticipation. His eyes flickered to the curtain, hesitant for only a second as you unbuttoned his pants. "This isn't really the best place to—"
A low groan slipped from his lips as your hand firmly cupped his growing hardness, cutting off whatever weak protest he was about to make.
"Be quiet, Hyuck," you scolded, palming him again. He sucked in a sharp breath, biting his bottom lip to stifle any sound as a dark spot began to form on his underwear.
“Fuck, hurry up,” he hissed, any previous hesitation now completely forgotten.
You smirked at his impatience but didn’t tease him, at least, not too much. Slipping your fingers into the waistband of his boxers, you tugged them down just enough to free his cock, standing hard and eager, a bead of precum already glistening at the tip.
You wrapped your fingers around his length, stroking him slowly, savoring the way his breath hitched with each movement. His chest rose and fell in uneven rhythm as he leaned back against the wall, his gaze locked onto you, dark with need. His cock twitched in your grip, another bead of precum spilling from the tip, proof of just how desperate he already was for you.
You merely smiled, pressing a soft kiss to his tip before running your tongue along his length, savoring the way he tensed under your touch. His head fell back against the wall, his breathing growing heavier, his thighs trembling slightly as you took him into your mouth, hollowing your cheeks and sucking him in deeper.
"Shit—" He bit down on his fist to muffle the groan that nearly slipped, his other hand instinctively threading through your hair, not to control your pace but just to feel you closer, to ground himself in the pleasure you were giving him.
The muffled sounds of the store outside felt like a distant hum, completely drowned out by the way your tongue moved so perfectly against him. His not-so-soft moans filled the small space, each one making your core tighten with satisfaction. You sucked on the tip of his cock before slowly pulling away, letting it slip from your lips with a sinful pop, but your hand never stopped stroking him.
"Hyuck, you're being too loud," you scolded in a hushed tone, glancing up at him with a mix of amusement and warning.
“Don't stop,” he whined, his voice barely above a whisper, laced with desperation. His hips jerked forward instinctively, chasing your warmth. Even the slightest brush of your lips against his tip had his knees trembling.
You let out a soft chuckle, watching the way he was falling apart just from your touch. His fingers tightened in your hair, his knuckles turning white as he fought the urge to push you down onto him the way he so desperately wanted.
“You’re so needy,” you teased, your breath ghosting over his sensitive tip, making him shudder.
“And whose fault is that?” he shot back, his voice strained, breathing heavily.
Instead of answering, you wrapped your lips around him once more, taking him in deeper this time. His head fell back against the wall with a soft thud, a broken moan escaping his lips as his grip in your hair loosened for a moment, only to tighten again when your tongue flicked over his slit.
Was he dead, and this was paradise? If not, it had to be the closest thing to it. His legs nearly gave out when he felt your throat tighten around him, the sudden sensation ripping a loud moan from his lips. Your nails dug into his thighs in warning, silently telling him to keep quiet. He bit down hard on his lower lip, his breathing ragged as he fought to control himself, but with the way your mouth worked on him, it was becoming nearly impossible.
He looked down at you, and what a sight. The way your lips stretched around him, the glint in your eyes as you took him deeper—it was enough to make his head spin. The pleasure was overwhelming, pushing him closer to the edge. His hips moved on their own, chasing that high, silently begging you to go faster, to take him there.
You gave in to his desires, quickening your pace, sucking with more intensity, while your hand skillfully massaged his balls, each movement pushing him closer to the edge. The rhythm of your actions seemed to drive him wild, his breath ragged as he struggled to hold on.
His body tensed, his head spinning as he reached his peak, hot spurts of cum filling your mouth. His fingers tightened in your hair, urging you closer as his hips jerked forward, riding out the last tremors of his climax, unwilling to let go.
You pulled his cock out of your mouth, knowing he would have kept you there if he had his way. You wiped your mouth with the back of your hand, glancing up to see his face in pure satisfaction, eyes shut and head leaning against the wall. His hand now gently ran through your hair, his breath still heavy as he mumbled how good you were, the words dripping with praise.
You let out a soft giggle, adjusting his clothes as you noticed how disoriented he looked. As you stood up, he finally met your gaze, his eyes dark with desire. Without warning, he leaned in, pulling you into a kiss that was intense yet tender. “God, I love you so much, baby,” he whispered against your lips.
“Me too,” you replied, a playful smile on your face. “I think the whole store heard you,” you teased, gently biting his lower lip before pulling away to meet his gaze.
“Then I guess they know how much I love you now,” he shrugged, a mischievous grin spreading across his face, making you laugh. “Maybe I’ll be quieter next time.”
You raised an eyebrow. “Next time? I think this one was enough, don’t you? We could have gotten caught.”
“But we didn’t,” he said, pressing a soft kiss to your cheek. “Next time, I’ll make sure you're the one making all the noise.”
↝ taglist: @yizhrt, @sinisxtea, @peterm4rker.
#haechan x reader#haechan smut#nct x reader#nct smut#nct dream x reader#nct 127 x reader#nct dream smut#nct 127 smut#donghyuck smut
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making assumptions abt ppl's lives & even the depth of their personality based on what they have on their bookshelf is so dumb . tiktok die
#to be clear i dont mean the joke-y ones where its like ohhh if this is on her bookshelf run . like i know those arent serious & i dont care#but there are like an epidemic of 'booktok' ppl mostly white girls who have like . a goddam superiority complex because they read dostoevsky#once & they know other girls who like 50 shades of gray or something . shut up just enjoy the book its not a big dick competition#reading shouldnt be like a trophy you show around to let people know how Smart and Cultured you are#these types of ppl never post abt their actual thoughts on these books or the themes or analysis because they just want to gloat abt how#other people are reading colleen hoover but THEY dont#& the fact its almost always whites who do this again fits in with my theory that like#some white people just have this primal urge to feel superior to others but racism is out of style now so they have to find other things#that dont actually matter to feel better than others about
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one of the things that fascinate me about thawne: yes, he CAN be normal with kids! surprisingly normal!
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((not at all times, though. his mental illness still spills through and as usual he, in trying to manipulate or hurt others, spits out at them the exact stuff that would hurt him (or have in his childhood/barry's rejection interpretation) the most in the first place lmao))
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but at the same time. his like second instinct when doing his bullshit is FUCK THEM (as) KIDS
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(and, well. whatever this classifies as)
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#whats wrong with him. seriously. he loves picking fights with literal children So Much#AND NONE OF THEM WITH WALLY ON THE MATTER OF BEING THE BIGGEST FLASH FAN. HOW DID THAT NEVER HAPPEN#about the middle page. honestly i DIDNT remember he is a Jerk in that way too until i checked his interactions with bart for this post#this man officially should not be allowed near children as a mentor.#just straight up drops ALL his insecurities on a poor kid in trying to make him feel ashamed. NO breaking the abuse cycle for this bad boy#the only thing he doesnt say is the direct 'you are a disappointment' altho the message is still the same 💀💀💀💀💀💀#AND I BET HES HELLA PROUD OF THAT. I MEAN CONSIDERING THIS FACT IG HE DOES TRY TO BE BETTER THAN HIS PARENTS. SOMEWHAT.#and omg he formulates his point like in problem based learning (leading the child to making the correct conclusion themselves)#im dying. professor to the fucking core.#and the way he feels the need to bring up flash facts in his appeal?? EO YOURE SO HOPELESS. THIS IS 100% HOW BART SAW HIM THROUGH#and god knows what he told thad promising to get him out of the speed force if he fought barry there and whether he was going to fulfill it#and do you even IMAGINE how FUCKED barry's mental condition would be growing up if thawne fulfilled his button threat#and i really REALLY wonder about the tornado twins and their relationship with 'uncle eobard' but that will be a separate post#he doesnt know any other way tho. and he might be actually mad at bart for not supporting his every action as The Flash#like. he tries to play family but the second they question he just goes WHATEVER. I DONT NEED IT. FLASH OF MY VISION RUNS ALONE#his problem is that he just wants attention. he doesnt see family/heroing for what 'its really about' or downsides that may come with them#everything is so idealized in his head. and the moment he faces reality with its complications the concept immediately gets antagonized.#and then he reconsiders and changes the conditions but fails each time never realizing the problem is his mindset and not everything else#black white at its finest yall#and man. RELATABLE.#also WHY is he standing LIKE A STATUE when appearing in front of bart????😭😭😭😭#poor museum rat has no idea what heroes in real life stand like#eobard thawne#professor zoom#reverse flash#the reverse flash#bart allen#the flash#dc
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sorry him saying he has no idea where the misogyny thing comes from when ludwig just talked about how he sent him a big apology for calling his friend a whore when it was about THE WRONG WOMAN is funny as fuck
i dont think he realizes that the reason no one gives a shit about his apologies and honestly just straight up ignores them is because EVEN IN THE EVENT THAT THEY ARE TRUE he's been proven to lie soooooo many times to the point where you really cant believe a word that comes out of his mouth. he says something and im like "damn maybe i was wrong about that one... i'll look into it" and you get more info and go "oh. he just made that part up. and misworded that. and lied about that part... oh it was actually WORSE than i initially thought!"
#im sure tommy has done some dumb shit#i am MUCH more likely to believe he can change and grow as a person than you can 🧍#im willing to stick by him and watch him become a better person and own up to his mistakes#i have been trying so hard to see the good in you for like 4 years now and i just. cant. every time i think i might be wrong im right again#i HATE to bring it back to this bc it's such a non-issue and not very relevant but#the speedrun issue really was where he showed his true colors#the actual subject here doesnt matter im talking about the way he handled it. im still pissed off all this time later i'll never get over i#he cheats. BLATANTLY cheats. gets proven. sends his mob after the mods. denies everything#hires someone with all this money he has to say he didnt cheat (BUT THE GUY NEVER EVEN SAYS THAT HE JUST CLAIMS THE GUY SAYS IT)#(BC HE DOESNT EXPECT ANYONE TO ACTUALLY READ THIS DOC HE THINKS HIS SUMMARY IS ALL THAT MATTERS)#finds out he did cheat But On Accident (supposedly)#DOESNT SAY SHIT FOR MONTHS AND LETS EVERYONE CONTINUE TO HARASS THE MODS. GEO IS SUICIDAL#and then does a stream where he's like haha hey guys so umm i did an oopsie 😝 but i didnt cheat this isnt cheating it's just. lying!#anyways it doesnt matter bc this was so fun and i had a blast making content :) and besides it isnt a big deal anyways it's just a game :)#months of harassment didnt affect ME so you should be fine :D was a lot of fun thx guys :)#THAT SHIT was where i lost all respect for him#THAT was where i saw this same pattern every damn time#doesnt matter how big or small the issue is it's the same damn thing every single time#even when you're right. you've destroyed all your credibility by continuing this behavior!#yeah you're valid in thinking tommy downplaying your videos is just mean but. frankly i dont give a fuck!#you're probably right about a few other things too and again i just dont care!! he can change and grow and you never will!!!#i'm willing to give him a chance. you've had PLEEEEENTY of chances and havent taken a single one#chat#discourse#i guess? idk this is the only angry rant i'll do. i feel bad might as well add to it lmao
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i enjoyed high school! i had a lot of friends! some of them were even close! but holy SHIT . i can say, with full confidence now. HIGH SCHOOL SUCKS SHIT and im GLAD I DON'T GO THERE!!!
#my school was actually pretty nice for a high school#my teachers were cool#im actual friends w one of em#but like. Omfg#if you as a high school student have ever felt annoyed about being treated like a baby or feel like you're just getting pushed around#like you're not treated as a real person. even by the staff who are nice. like all the clique stuff is stupid bullshit and you just want to#be an adult already#don't listen to anyone who tells you to treasure your high school years they can be fun but BEING AN ADULT IS SO MUCH BETTER#i got excited to VACUUM the other day!!! because my space in the dorms is MINE#and oh my god i love my parents and my family and their house is nice. BUT WOW LIVING IN A DORM RULES#not just bc its a nice dorm (That helps) but bc . like . so much is up to ME and im part of every decision#by default#and i get to Decide everything#a good part of this is just starting w a blank slate yk. i dont have to clean anything up and get rid of old stuff and rearrange#to decorate the new room in a way i want (in a way thats designed for me to keep it clean‚ rather than just the way that Happened)#and its like. i can really take pride in my space yk?#like i share it w 3 roommates but my part is Mine#and its not just where i sleep its like... i decorate it i clean it i like it i hang out in it#augh. college good.#if you're in high school no matter how much you like life rn: IT GETS BETTER
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one of the dramas from the wedding was one of the grooms cousins (on the other side not mine) just not wearing the clothes we had made for her specifically
#i think they cost smth like 1 lakh rupees so that is crazy#she is such a bitch i cannot believe it#when asked about it she just laughed in our faces and said it didnt fit.. it was custom made and she was the one who sent the measurements#and all of the other cousins wore matching ones in different clothes#she just thinks shes better than us.. bc she managed to go to the us and now has a fake american accent also#i dont get this inferiority complex our people have. it is ridiculous.#i told everyone we should we should ask for the clothes back since she clearly doesnt want them but they said it was a gift so no#actually i think she just wanted to be 'modern' and our clothes were a traditional gharara#so she came with her legs out :/#tbh she looked bad anyways so . actually idgaf#she literally did not acknowledge me or my sister at all i think she considers us . i dont know like their maids that were brought along#its actually crazy like. she was acting like she was closer to the bride and groom than we were and we were just some randos#its basically my brother who is getting married and we havent spoken to this girl for years?? she was the reason my aunt came to the uk#bc she used to beat up my cousin (who got married) when he was little and my aunt didnt want to be around her and her mum didnt control her#imagine breaking the family up and being hated by the immediate relatives of the groom and acting like you are the vip guest..#havent told my cousin how she acted with us yet bc partially its like whats the point shes nobody#but i feel like his wife thinks shes super nice bc of course she was sucking up to her#i dont want to be a bad sister in law and cause problems so i'll just keep it to myself#not like anyone will talk to her again so what does it matter#it was nice seeing our side of the family though#especially one of my great aunties who accoring to my sister i was 'glazing' lmaoo#maybe its bc they know i am my mothers daughter and the other side dont?#i feel like its still unacceptable behavoiur though. just rude for no reason you could at least say hello
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I never tried the option myself bc it'd probably mean skipping the Reason You Suck speech at the end (fire for speedrunners though) but I Love that you can frame your Phoneys in 3, especially so if you've already killed the previous two. Like yeah couldn't send you off to die so i'll let the goverment do it for me 🧸 like its just Peak evil imo.
#luly talks#i do relinquish in the pain and the agony but dont get me wrong the thought of any of them 3 getting jailed makes me SO sad#rog esp since he's the one im writing about and the biggest nerve wreck#gingi voice they'll be the last one to pick the board game for prison-game-night..........#actually yknow i wonder if rog would end up almost believing it after all when you try to gaslight him for the shits and giggles#(as in: telling HE was victim of the bite of 87 and the like) he tells you to not do that bc his brain is already scrambled or something#so there's a chance perhaps he'd believe it if he had everyone constantly accussing him of it?#not like it'd matter much i have no hopes for the dsaf justice system i know its been 35 years since jack got framed but still#i just remembered when the option popped up i said ''god im really becoming steven 😭''#first time i made the joke too was when i said ''imagine your boss sucks so bad you turn suicidal'' no clue what the context was#OH YEAH JAKE SAYING HE'D RATHER FUCKING DIE THAN KEEP WORKING HERE yeah. poor guy.#anyway im derailing my own post again uhhh. yeah. yeah i dont trust any phoney is avoiding the death sentence#dsaf#roger jones#dsaf roger#btw just for the sake of yapping longer i truly cant decide whether harry or jake would survive better in the enviroment#probably jake to be honest. I mean Harry has a lot of experience inside freddy's but he didnt really live outside it muhc#jake is so confrontational though#hey did you guys watch the hit movie felon? sure that guy wasn't framed but. i feel like jake would end up w that attitude#except for. you know. everything else that happens in the hit movie felon.#hey actually forget about this game go watch the 10/10 movie Felon from 2008 starring Val Kilmer and Stephen Dorff#because its one of my all time fave movies and probably the saddest i've seen#not bc there arent movies that are more tragic but bc no movie was able to break thru my walls of idgaf and make me cry anyway#yeah you thought i couldnt bring up my movie fixations on my different fandom posts well you were WRONG in fact#im gonna go tag my other post i left untagged yesterday bc my ass was Cooking
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tell me your failed/embarrassing flirting stories to make me feel better, i’ll go first: today i said “get out of my way” forgot to say “i’m kidding” then immediately said “bye”
#it is awful having feelings for someone you know and have an established friendship with#but crushing on someone i barely know is knew to me and i legit feel like an idiot every time i do something stupid like this#i can’t just. talk to the guy#if i say hey and he says sup i say ���sup indeed’ like what the fuck is that#i can barely even say hello to him#don’t get me wrong i’ve DONE it but most days i’m like#ah fuck there he is#okay you can do it just say hi#just say what’s up#and then he’s already gone#also. like. the setting we’re in is soooo not good for talking or flirting realt because um. it’s work he’s my coworker.. so um. do i fuckin#ask him for his number?? or to hang out??? but like. he’s kind of a stranger to me what do i want to hang out for 🧍#but like. i dont want to do that until i have at least one successful interaction#or like. an actual conversation.#which is gonna be really hard to manage because he doesn’t talk much at all to anyone and i really only talk if someone talks to me first or#i’ll say something absolutely idiotic and ridiculous (and honestly i do that no matter what)#anyway so um. i guess i’m just gonna keep making a fool of myself until i get it right and hopefully i don’t screw it up 🥴#i lost all my confidence in the last year and i cant do anything chill or smooth anymore (i was never that good in the first place but at#least i could PRETEND i knew what i was doing. like i could sell it. the whole weird and lost bit.)#anyway. i felt better for like 5 minutes when some guy at the gas station flirt failed with me on the way home. but that’s partly my fault#too oops. in his defense he probably could not see that i had headphones on bc upon mirror inspection they were well blended with my hair#but i was waiting to cross the street and this guy tried to like nod and smile and i did not know it was to me until i got to the other side#where the gas station was and and like. tried again and i awkward half smiled and saw his face get all mushy and confused like mine FELT 20#mins before when i’d flopped so hard trying to flirt and by the time i’d processed WAIT i think he was FLIRTING WITH ME i was already gone 🤡#but at least it ended better than the poor 14yo who very confidently asked for my number#who. i shit you not. SCREECHED for a solid 44.5 seconds and bolted the other direction when i said sorry im 21#his friends were standing there like wtf too and one was like i am so sorry about him 🤦#cheers to being fools universe
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found out that rascal's owner took him again while i was out, and he's probably not gonna be back since the semester's almost over. i don't even know if his owner's coming back next semester, if i'll ever see him again. if he'll ever see me again. why do they wait until im not around to do this? why do they never let me say goodbye to him?
#i didnt really get to process it bc i found out when i was hanging w a friend but. im processing it now#sigh.. i dont know. i dont know.#at the end of the day he is and has always been someone else's cat. i can't control what she does with him#no matter what i think of it. she can always take him away. but every time it happens im just. im tired yknow?#it's worth it to me to have him around. i love him dearly and i want him to be in a home where he's actually cared for (which i have done my#best to provide) but he's just. not mine. and every time it happens i back up and think man. im such a sucker.#i don't think people manipulate me often. not in an ongoing way i mean. i don't think ppl see me as valuable enough to most of the time.#but damn. she really found my weak spots didn't she. free petcare courtesy of one chump who can't live without animals around. sigh#he deserves stability but he deserves love more. this weird shared custody thing is better for him i think. and frankly i also love him.#im not the priority here but my feelings are like. there. him being taken away without even telling me first hurts. i'd like to be able to#say goodbye to him. im not saying he has to stay or this has to go on but couldn't they just.. consider my feelings a bit more?#just bc you're fine with dropping your cat off somewhere for weeks not knowing when you'll see him again and not visiting doesn't mean i am#and i kind of feel like my roommate is part of this. after all it's not like his owner can just break into our room and take him#and if im always out when they do it there's a chance roomie's just shipping him off whenever she gets sick of him.#she's done it before. even after she agreed so vehemently with me about never wanting him to go back to such treatment and stuff early on.#she's been spraying him for little reason lately too. and i mean i get being a little more cautious with some things bc her neck's broken#but she's really fixated on how much he smells and bites and stuff and talks about how if i wasn't around she'd consider eating him#and then other times she's like that's my pookie. i don't get it. like yeah i tell rascal to fuck off sometimes bc he hurts me but it's not#like a hateful thing. i dont resent him for it i'm just annoyed sometimes bc he's maiming me a little. he's my baby. how could i loathe him?#so it makes me think that roomie might be blaming his transfers on his owner bc she doesn't want me to judge her#and like. this is her room too. it's not her fault she's more bothered by the smell than me. if she doesn't want to be bitten and clawed all#the time i can sympathize. i don't wanna force her to house him. but i wish she'd just be honest with me i guess#like. what if his owner decides to give him away without telling me? i'd take him in in a heartbeat. even though i know it's a bad idea.#but i'm worried he'll fall out of my reach completely. and at the very least I'd like to be able to say goodbye first. that's all.
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I've been following that AITA blog for a bit now and it has me thinking about my own life situations with conflict and drama. A passive "do I have anything I could submit to that blog?" But upon thinking about it, it's like... I really find no value in asking strangers whether I'm "the asshole" in situations. There are situations where I'm clearly not at fault, situations where I was a little shit but it was justified, and at least one situation where I have a definite "Oh yeah, I was definitely the asshole there". All in the past, so it's not like I'd even need advice or anything. I already know, so what's the point?
Maybe it stems from me being a generally self-aware and self-confident kind of person. I know what's going on with myself, know when I've wronged people, & I have a mentality of "well, I'll try to not do that in the future." Even if I feel a little guilty thinking back, what's the point of asking after something when I know I'm at fault? Or situations where things were complicated and both people had fault in things, but I know I wasn't being shitty on purpose & that's what matters to me. Ultimately, it results in a bunch of strangers drawing conclusions about things I really don't care about outside input on.
Still love reading the blog tho. There's something about reading up on random people's life drama that satisfies that gossipmonger soul in me So well.
#speculation nation#i think the most blatantly YTA thing id get is when i ghosted that guy i was seeing back when i was 20 or so#wasnt ever actually dating but i made it sound like i would. very much led him on.#then realized i just wasnt into cishet guys At All and dropped him out of nowhere bc i was 20 and didnt know how to deal with feelings#objectively it was a pretty awful thing for me to do. and i feel bad that i did it.#have i ever tried to reach out and apologize tho? no lmao#it happened so long ago now i feel like itd bring more animosity than relief anyways.#id like to think ive learned from it tho. Dont Date People Just For The Hell Of It.#god it rly is my romantic history where im the biggest asshole. my prior girlfriend too#i do feel bad about that. i never meant to hurt her but that sure is what i did.#it was better to break it off when i did. wouldve been better had i did it earlier but oh well.#then as a teenager and my whole fucked up romance life then...#but NO LONGER!!!!!!!! hopefully lol. im rly into my current girlfriend and after my last one ive been dedicated to. not do that again.#cant date people just because im bored. that's never ended well for me.#i learned my lesson this time for SURE!!!!!#anyways yea id say more constently id be The Asshole in these situations. but im only human man it happens.#other situations it's usually just fucked up situations with me being a toxic little shit in response bc it's all i knew.#idk. community voting doesnt matter to me. learning from my prior mistakes and shortcomings is what matters to me.#it's interesting to see the blog tho. people are insecure about some of the most trivial things sometimes...
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the way i have absolutely no business being the way i am
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#horse.txt#vent //#sort of. too high to be sad abt it im in anthropology mode and listening to music that makes me feel sexy so its fine yk#anyway i typed a whole bunch of other tags talking abt how and why i feel this way by going through a few of the events i can remember#from my childhood that Might explain why im so emotionally guarded and struggle to open up anymore.#bc i Wanted to say they all felt dumb and juvenile esp since ive actually like#made peace with most of the ppl who were involved with them#but the Anthropology mode was just tearing it all down as i typed it bc that Is just a ridiculous way to look at it no matter how you cut it#doesn't matter that nobody involved really Meant to deal that kind of harm and i dont need to hate or blame anyone in order to acknowledge#that it still just Happened. like thats a Memory already babe no do overs.#which is kind of just accidental therapy so sick. love that fir me genuinely!#but also yes theres the bitch part of me that still wants to discredit it bc acknowledging that it happened =/= Fixing My Issues#so im still at square one technically. ive just been pacing in circles on it for a while ig#EVEN WORSE that the Scale of my issues is so incredibly mundane compared to so many of the people i seem to meet.#sitting in bed crying abt not having friends for a few days in elementary school when other ppl have jojos bizarre adventure levels of Lore#i know im not technically invalid for feeling the way i do or anything but god. if it doesn't feel fucking Embarrassing to open up about😭#its impossible NOT to feel stupid and sensitive for having these first world ass problems. And letting them hold me back#bc ppl not liking me for any reason makes me sooooooooo fucking scared So fucking scared its not even funny 😝#at least. ppl in my Circles. im pretty ok about being assertive with randos#still some work to be done on it but its better than whatevers going on with my personal relationships rn#sincerely to my mutuals and loved ones who see this i swear to GOD i love you so so so fucking much and im so. im trying to figure out this#the stuff thats got me so distant and bad at keeping in touch. its a whole slew of feelings about how i see Myself--not yall#i double pinky promise cross my heart im extremely serious#thank you for being patient with me you mean more to me than im capable of putting into words right now#alright theres a shot of tears in the hollow of my collar bone time to wrap up this post#daily reminder that i love body hair. there's some honesty.#😎😎😎💪💪💪#the Quaritch under the cut is just to make me feel better bc i love him and i think hes so pretty. hes like a security blanket
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you ever give someones video essay you sort of disagree with a shot and then You still disagree with them. Thats crazy
#she said Us was a movie about middle class fears of the envy of the working class. which yes. but no. but that like.#it cant be about the working class because of its depiction of them as growling horror villains#which. also removing the aspect of. the tenderness and understanding in the film between the protagonist and the supposed antagonist#and the narrative weirdness that makes you question who is who and who was there first being a thing#to feed into the argument that contempt is the sublimation of envy and Explains a lot about society.com#anyway this is just one part of the video and other bits actively spun the is this ME question i kept afloat while watching it#but is it the truth that envy drives moralistic thinking just because it sounds more self aware and enlightened 6_9#after all even before religion and before masters and slaves people did have a sense of good or bad#based more around pain pleasure and functionality right#and can envy explain the contempt of people who dont want what they contempt.#i think its easy for some people in some positions to say like oh well they’re just envious and lying to themselves to feel better about it#and it’s hard for these same people to imagine i guess the depth of a contempt without desire. they must not truly hate me#they only want what I have and bemoan their lack of it.#but does everyone want the same thing. i.e. if you are disgusted by extravagance consumption opulence whatever is it always just envy#if you believe wealth and excess power robs everyone within it of something you actually desire#or is that just envious self-delusion. who knows#in this way of thinking some things are never possible or mutable because once the tables are turned and the envious desire is fulfilled#then people only will ever become corrupt because the substance of it always mattered less than emotional gratification#which maybe has been the pattern but is that it is that just ze human condition forever#?_?. i get the video wants to focus so it discards a lot of these things but i just dont think they can be extricable#also she said flaunting wealth is an american phenomenon LMAO. I was chinese once#also that black swan was about the sublimation of envy into artistic perfection (yes) but also not about the humanity it robs#in the proccess.
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wish i could slap the apathy out of trans channers
#you might think its the one trait that just makes you oh sew kewl but i am so fucking bored of you.#being apathetic might as well be an admission to your uselessness.#we get it you provide nothing of meaning to society and never care about anything ever bc you cry like a bitch when you feel your emotions#we really do get it dude.#which ~i~ dont think theres anything wrong with crying like a bitch but i sure as fuck know you do lmao.#cant be vulnerable ever what if all the other edgy memelords see me and make fun of me and i lose all of my coolness status D':#its a you problem if you actually think random memelords opinion online matters lmao#literal bottom of the barrel ass people that you care about the opinions of. wish you'd care more about the opinion of your mom or#something then maybe you'd actually be useful to society in some capacity#but of course we cant have that bc your mom is a vagina-haver and as we all know all vagina havers besides the ones who've converted#to the 4chan irony poisoned cult are Evil and Robots and Should Never Be Listened To Or Taken Seriously.#and the ones who do join should hate and feel ashamed about having a vachina bc as we all know in 4chan land a place overwhelmingly#ruled by cishet men is that penis's are the most important thing and vaginas are lesser than so honestly just never admit that you have one#anyways this is a totally normal and fine way to think about other humans. to dehumanise and treat them as less than for their#genitals that they have no control over how they are unless you wanna get surgery which is already shamed everywhere too.#and i already know w/o having to be on there that theyre routinely dehumanizing non op trans women too and im worried that some#of yall just think its a kink meanwhile the cis guys doing it dont think of it as just a kink. and want to enslave you. like actually.#in this regard i love to be a party pooper bc i want you to love yourself and take care of yourself and know you deserve better than to#ACTUALLY- not kink related- be treated less than by these shit cishet dudes.#you deserve to be treated better and more than just like a fucking sex toy. maybe thats your thing but you gotta know you deserve better#outside of kink settings. please. for me. i want you to love yourself and take care of yourself and defend yourself from shitheads.
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sigh
#a nyx original#emotional nonsense#something so comforting about hiding what i actually want to say in the tags#anyways#sometimes i wonder how thin the ice im walking on is#You can hate Them for doing something but what if you find out that im not any better#do You actually like me for who I am or only because im “better” than other people in your life#which im not. ive told you that im not. i am the same if not worse.#i am not someone you should be putting your trust into.#you will find someone better you will get rid of me eventually#why do you keep denying it when im just telling you whats inevitable#i am nooo better than everyone else you hate and once you internalise that you will cut me off#is it worth it for me to hold on. i can stop this before that ever happens and make the landing softer for both of us#show some self respect. if you can recognise that theyre bad you can recognise that im worse.#my feelings dont matter here <3 ill get over it someday somehow#i just want the best for you
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I should rly get around to designing the Jackies and Olivias from my swap aus now that I have ideas for how to differentiate them for their non swapped counterparts, but at the same time the eternal dread of having to commit to either keeping or changing the gravitas uniform for the swap aus hangs over me with ever increasing pressure, so maybe I can just only draw headshots of them and commit to that til the end of time instead
#rat rambles#oni posting#but actually I probably will keep the uniforms because I like them and theyre fun to draw#plus I dont think making olivia director inherently means that the uniform would change so I can get away with it#olivia and jackie would have probably come up with that together anyways simular to the rest of gravitas branding#theyve probably had all of that decided on since their college days lol#but yeah Ive been thinking abt the swap aus more since it's fun to put olivia into a more antagonistic role#even if the levels of antagonistic varry heavily and in most of the universes jackie is also an antagonist even as the primary pov#a lot of these in universe would be mostly jackie pov rambling about some bullshit that doesnt matter while the real meat in the other logs#all imply some gnarly shit abt olivia and how shes faring as director#shes typically not as bad as her non swapped jackies but she rly pushes it in the swapped rat universe#and by that I kind of just mean she is simply just worse but she at least almost handled the divorce better than canon jackie#I say almost because she did proceed to kidnap the woman after she admittedly broke into gravitas facilities after being fired but still#generally speaking kidnapping and semi murdering your ex for science is t a cool move no matter how justified you feel#the other two olivias are a lot less openly corrupt with rabbit au olivia being mostly just more mean and raccoon au olivia just having a#smidge of a god complex that she generally never acted on to be shitty#also one of those olivias was in a toxic codependent relationship with her unstable wife and the other was also in an toxic codependent#relationship with her wife but her wife proceeded to murder her about it#the jackies are all pretty shitty tho even if in mostly different ways#we have petty incel jackie we have emotionally manipulative jackie and we have the reason raccoon au olivia has a mild god complex jackie#and then we're forced to sit and watch as each jackie reads through their shitty actions as memoryless pods acting like theyd never do that#only to remember and sit in horror at the fact that at the end of the day their actions had little concequence to the greater universe and#that the only thing they achieved in life was hurting the woman they loved most and dying in a way that ultimately meant nothing#which is another reason Ive been thinking abt these aus sm as I love narratively kicking the shit out of jackie its fun#its a sign of my deepest love <3#Im so much nicer to main au jackie which is saying smth since one of them gets literally murdered#albeit swap rat au jackie also gets sorta murdered so raccoon au jackie rly isn't special in that regard#at least she wasnt held hostage before hand it was a spur of the moment event#anyways I need to shower before it gets too late Im trying to maintain a msidgen of a sleep schedule
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#bruhhhh im literally doing the same things to my current friend group that i did to people in high school bruhhh#how do u stop the cycle </3 it is endless#at the very least now i am awARE#but the awareness doesnt hit until im out of the actual social situations#within the moment i feel quite overwhelmed and excluded no matter what i do#i think for me its harder cuz im just also more introverted#so other people might see my quietness as like idk oh maybe she doesnt wanna talk right now#while im seeing things as why am i not being talked to right now :((#its hard i want to show up for my friends a lot of them are graduating#but every group social event makes me feel more and more alone and i have stopped being able to control my emotions in the moment#like just the knowledge of like#if theres only space for 2 people on a sidewalk i'll be that third person trailing behind#and like its always me#groups of three make me uncomfortable#i dont have the confidence to insert myself in a group of two like ever#which is part of the problem for sure#and its like im quiet so even if i insert myself it'll just be me doing NOTHIGN#and saying NOTHIGN#which like ACHK#been getting bad at fighting these thoughts more and more by the day#the onLY thing thats different is my logical side she is#way louder than she used to be before i just gotta learn how to listen to her#in the MOMENT#its always afterwards where shes like told ya so#im doing more for myself too now though really really dont want life to repeat itself for the nth time#seeing a therapist rn who feels a lot better than my previous ones so im holding out hope#told me to list things i like about myself and i was like uhh how about things i value <3#and she was like no LSDKJF#its so tricky cuz like the things i value i dont even necessarily like about myself#i value honesty but honesty if misdelivered stings and i think ive done that one too many times
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