#that dont actually matter to feel better than others about
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making assumptions abt ppl's lives & even the depth of their personality based on what they have on their bookshelf is so dumb . tiktok die
#to be clear i dont mean the joke-y ones where its like ohhh if this is on her bookshelf run . like i know those arent serious & i dont care#but there are like an epidemic of 'booktok' ppl mostly white girls who have like . a goddam superiority complex because they read dostoevsky#once & they know other girls who like 50 shades of gray or something . shut up just enjoy the book its not a big dick competition#reading shouldnt be like a trophy you show around to let people know how Smart and Cultured you are#these types of ppl never post abt their actual thoughts on these books or the themes or analysis because they just want to gloat abt how#other people are reading colleen hoover but THEY dont#& the fact its almost always whites who do this again fits in with my theory that like#some white people just have this primal urge to feel superior to others but racism is out of style now so they have to find other things#that dont actually matter to feel better than others about
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one of the things that fascinate me about thawne: yes, he CAN be normal with kids! surprisingly normal!
((not at all times, though. his mental illness still spills through and as usual he, in trying to manipulate or hurt others, spits out at them the exact stuff that would hurt him (or have in his childhood/barry's rejection interpretation) the most in the first place lmao))
but at the same time. his like second instinct when doing his bullshit is FUCK THEM (as) KIDS
(and, well. whatever this classifies as)
#whats wrong with him. seriously. he loves picking fights with literal children So Much#AND NONE OF THEM WITH WALLY ON THE MATTER OF BEING THE BIGGEST FLASH FAN. HOW DID THAT NEVER HAPPEN#about the middle page. honestly i DIDNT remember he is a Jerk in that way too until i checked his interactions with bart for this post#this man officially should not be allowed near children as a mentor.#just straight up drops ALL his insecurities on a poor kid in trying to make him feel ashamed. NO breaking the abuse cycle for this bad boy#the only thing he doesnt say is the direct 'you are a disappointment' altho the message is still the same 💀💀💀💀💀💀#AND I BET HES HELLA PROUD OF THAT. I MEAN CONSIDERING THIS FACT IG HE DOES TRY TO BE BETTER THAN HIS PARENTS. SOMEWHAT.#and omg he formulates his point like in problem based learning (leading the child to making the correct conclusion themselves)#im dying. professor to the fucking core.#and the way he feels the need to bring up flash facts in his appeal?? EO YOURE SO HOPELESS. THIS IS 100% HOW BART SAW HIM THROUGH#and god knows what he told thad promising to get him out of the speed force if he fought barry there and whether he was going to fulfill it#and do you even IMAGINE how FUCKED barry's mental condition would be growing up if thawne fulfilled his button threat#and i really REALLY wonder about the tornado twins and their relationship with 'uncle eobard' but that will be a separate post#he doesnt know any other way tho. and he might be actually mad at bart for not supporting his every action as The Flash#like. he tries to play family but the second they question he just goes WHATEVER. I DONT NEED IT. FLASH OF MY VISION RUNS ALONE#his problem is that he just wants attention. he doesnt see family/heroing for what 'its really about' or downsides that may come with them#everything is so idealized in his head. and the moment he faces reality with its complications the concept immediately gets antagonized.#and then he reconsiders and changes the conditions but fails each time never realizing the problem is his mindset and not everything else#black white at its finest yall#and man. RELATABLE.#also WHY is he standing LIKE A STATUE when appearing in front of bart????😭😭😭😭#poor museum rat has no idea what heroes in real life stand like#eobard thawne#professor zoom#reverse flash#the reverse flash#bart allen#the flash#dc
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sorry him saying he has no idea where the misogyny thing comes from when ludwig just talked about how he sent him a big apology for calling his friend a whore when it was about THE WRONG WOMAN is funny as fuck
i dont think he realizes that the reason no one gives a shit about his apologies and honestly just straight up ignores them is because EVEN IN THE EVENT THAT THEY ARE TRUE he's been proven to lie soooooo many times to the point where you really cant believe a word that comes out of his mouth. he says something and im like "damn maybe i was wrong about that one... i'll look into it" and you get more info and go "oh. he just made that part up. and misworded that. and lied about that part... oh it was actually WORSE than i initially thought!"
#im sure tommy has done some dumb shit#i am MUCH more likely to believe he can change and grow as a person than you can 🧍#im willing to stick by him and watch him become a better person and own up to his mistakes#i have been trying so hard to see the good in you for like 4 years now and i just. cant. every time i think i might be wrong im right again#i HATE to bring it back to this bc it's such a non-issue and not very relevant but#the speedrun issue really was where he showed his true colors#the actual subject here doesnt matter im talking about the way he handled it. im still pissed off all this time later i'll never get over i#he cheats. BLATANTLY cheats. gets proven. sends his mob after the mods. denies everything#hires someone with all this money he has to say he didnt cheat (BUT THE GUY NEVER EVEN SAYS THAT HE JUST CLAIMS THE GUY SAYS IT)#(BC HE DOESNT EXPECT ANYONE TO ACTUALLY READ THIS DOC HE THINKS HIS SUMMARY IS ALL THAT MATTERS)#finds out he did cheat But On Accident (supposedly)#DOESNT SAY SHIT FOR MONTHS AND LETS EVERYONE CONTINUE TO HARASS THE MODS. GEO IS SUICIDAL#and then does a stream where he's like haha hey guys so umm i did an oopsie 😝 but i didnt cheat this isnt cheating it's just. lying!#anyways it doesnt matter bc this was so fun and i had a blast making content :) and besides it isnt a big deal anyways it's just a game :)#months of harassment didnt affect ME so you should be fine :D was a lot of fun thx guys :)#THAT SHIT was where i lost all respect for him#THAT was where i saw this same pattern every damn time#doesnt matter how big or small the issue is it's the same damn thing every single time#even when you're right. you've destroyed all your credibility by continuing this behavior!#yeah you're valid in thinking tommy downplaying your videos is just mean but. frankly i dont give a fuck!#you're probably right about a few other things too and again i just dont care!! he can change and grow and you never will!!!#i'm willing to give him a chance. you've had PLEEEEENTY of chances and havent taken a single one#chat#discourse#i guess? idk this is the only angry rant i'll do. i feel bad might as well add to it lmao
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i enjoyed high school! i had a lot of friends! some of them were even close! but holy SHIT . i can say, with full confidence now. HIGH SCHOOL SUCKS SHIT and im GLAD I DON'T GO THERE!!!
#my school was actually pretty nice for a high school#my teachers were cool#im actual friends w one of em#but like. Omfg#if you as a high school student have ever felt annoyed about being treated like a baby or feel like you're just getting pushed around#like you're not treated as a real person. even by the staff who are nice. like all the clique stuff is stupid bullshit and you just want to#be an adult already#don't listen to anyone who tells you to treasure your high school years they can be fun but BEING AN ADULT IS SO MUCH BETTER#i got excited to VACUUM the other day!!! because my space in the dorms is MINE#and oh my god i love my parents and my family and their house is nice. BUT WOW LIVING IN A DORM RULES#not just bc its a nice dorm (That helps) but bc . like . so much is up to ME and im part of every decision#by default#and i get to Decide everything#a good part of this is just starting w a blank slate yk. i dont have to clean anything up and get rid of old stuff and rearrange#to decorate the new room in a way i want (in a way thats designed for me to keep it clean‚ rather than just the way that Happened)#and its like. i can really take pride in my space yk?#like i share it w 3 roommates but my part is Mine#and its not just where i sleep its like... i decorate it i clean it i like it i hang out in it#augh. college good.#if you're in high school no matter how much you like life rn: IT GETS BETTER
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one of the dramas from the wedding was one of the grooms cousins (on the other side not mine) just not wearing the clothes we had made for her specifically
#i think they cost smth like 1 lakh rupees so that is crazy#she is such a bitch i cannot believe it#when asked about it she just laughed in our faces and said it didnt fit.. it was custom made and she was the one who sent the measurements#and all of the other cousins wore matching ones in different clothes#she just thinks shes better than us.. bc she managed to go to the us and now has a fake american accent also#i dont get this inferiority complex our people have. it is ridiculous.#i told everyone we should we should ask for the clothes back since she clearly doesnt want them but they said it was a gift so no#actually i think she just wanted to be 'modern' and our clothes were a traditional gharara#so she came with her legs out :/#tbh she looked bad anyways so . actually idgaf#she literally did not acknowledge me or my sister at all i think she considers us . i dont know like their maids that were brought along#its actually crazy like. she was acting like she was closer to the bride and groom than we were and we were just some randos#its basically my brother who is getting married and we havent spoken to this girl for years?? she was the reason my aunt came to the uk#bc she used to beat up my cousin (who got married) when he was little and my aunt didnt want to be around her and her mum didnt control her#imagine breaking the family up and being hated by the immediate relatives of the groom and acting like you are the vip guest..#havent told my cousin how she acted with us yet bc partially its like whats the point shes nobody#but i feel like his wife thinks shes super nice bc of course she was sucking up to her#i dont want to be a bad sister in law and cause problems so i'll just keep it to myself#not like anyone will talk to her again so what does it matter#it was nice seeing our side of the family though#especially one of my great aunties who accoring to my sister i was 'glazing' lmaoo#maybe its bc they know i am my mothers daughter and the other side dont?#i feel like its still unacceptable behavoiur though. just rude for no reason you could at least say hello
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I never tried the option myself bc it'd probably mean skipping the Reason You Suck speech at the end (fire for speedrunners though) but I Love that you can frame your Phoneys in 3, especially so if you've already killed the previous two. Like yeah couldn't send you off to die so i'll let the goverment do it for me 🧸 like its just Peak evil imo.
#luly talks#i do relinquish in the pain and the agony but dont get me wrong the thought of any of them 3 getting jailed makes me SO sad#rog esp since he's the one im writing about and the biggest nerve wreck#gingi voice they'll be the last one to pick the board game for prison-game-night..........#actually yknow i wonder if rog would end up almost believing it after all when you try to gaslight him for the shits and giggles#(as in: telling HE was victim of the bite of 87 and the like) he tells you to not do that bc his brain is already scrambled or something#so there's a chance perhaps he'd believe it if he had everyone constantly accussing him of it?#not like it'd matter much i have no hopes for the dsaf justice system i know its been 35 years since jack got framed but still#i just remembered when the option popped up i said ''god im really becoming steven 😭''#first time i made the joke too was when i said ''imagine your boss sucks so bad you turn suicidal'' no clue what the context was#OH YEAH JAKE SAYING HE'D RATHER FUCKING DIE THAN KEEP WORKING HERE yeah. poor guy.#anyway im derailing my own post again uhhh. yeah. yeah i dont trust any phoney is avoiding the death sentence#dsaf#roger jones#dsaf roger#btw just for the sake of yapping longer i truly cant decide whether harry or jake would survive better in the enviroment#probably jake to be honest. I mean Harry has a lot of experience inside freddy's but he didnt really live outside it muhc#jake is so confrontational though#hey did you guys watch the hit movie felon? sure that guy wasn't framed but. i feel like jake would end up w that attitude#except for. you know. everything else that happens in the hit movie felon.#hey actually forget about this game go watch the 10/10 movie Felon from 2008 starring Val Kilmer and Stephen Dorff#because its one of my all time fave movies and probably the saddest i've seen#not bc there arent movies that are more tragic but bc no movie was able to break thru my walls of idgaf and make me cry anyway#yeah you thought i couldnt bring up my movie fixations on my different fandom posts well you were WRONG in fact#im gonna go tag my other post i left untagged yesterday bc my ass was Cooking
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tell me your failed/embarrassing flirting stories to make me feel better, i’ll go first: today i said “get out of my way” forgot to say “i’m kidding” then immediately said “bye”
#it is awful having feelings for someone you know and have an established friendship with#but crushing on someone i barely know is knew to me and i legit feel like an idiot every time i do something stupid like this#i can’t just. talk to the guy#if i say hey and he says sup i say ‘sup indeed’ like what the fuck is that#i can barely even say hello to him#don’t get me wrong i’ve DONE it but most days i’m like#ah fuck there he is#okay you can do it just say hi#just say what’s up#and then he’s already gone#also. like. the setting we’re in is soooo not good for talking or flirting realt because um. it’s work he’s my coworker.. so um. do i fuckin#ask him for his number?? or to hang out??? but like. he’s kind of a stranger to me what do i want to hang out for 🧍#but like. i dont want to do that until i have at least one successful interaction#or like. an actual conversation.#which is gonna be really hard to manage because he doesn’t talk much at all to anyone and i really only talk if someone talks to me first or#i’ll say something absolutely idiotic and ridiculous (and honestly i do that no matter what)#anyway so um. i guess i’m just gonna keep making a fool of myself until i get it right and hopefully i don’t screw it up 🥴#i lost all my confidence in the last year and i cant do anything chill or smooth anymore (i was never that good in the first place but at#least i could PRETEND i knew what i was doing. like i could sell it. the whole weird and lost bit.)#anyway. i felt better for like 5 minutes when some guy at the gas station flirt failed with me on the way home. but that’s partly my fault#too oops. in his defense he probably could not see that i had headphones on bc upon mirror inspection they were well blended with my hair#but i was waiting to cross the street and this guy tried to like nod and smile and i did not know it was to me until i got to the other side#where the gas station was and and like. tried again and i awkward half smiled and saw his face get all mushy and confused like mine FELT 20#mins before when i’d flopped so hard trying to flirt and by the time i’d processed WAIT i think he was FLIRTING WITH ME i was already gone 🤡#but at least it ended better than the poor 14yo who very confidently asked for my number#who. i shit you not. SCREECHED for a solid 44.5 seconds and bolted the other direction when i said sorry im 21#his friends were standing there like wtf too and one was like i am so sorry about him 🤦#cheers to being fools universe
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found out that rascal's owner took him again while i was out, and he's probably not gonna be back since the semester's almost over. i don't even know if his owner's coming back next semester, if i'll ever see him again. if he'll ever see me again. why do they wait until im not around to do this? why do they never let me say goodbye to him?
#i didnt really get to process it bc i found out when i was hanging w a friend but. im processing it now#sigh.. i dont know. i dont know.#at the end of the day he is and has always been someone else's cat. i can't control what she does with him#no matter what i think of it. she can always take him away. but every time it happens im just. im tired yknow?#it's worth it to me to have him around. i love him dearly and i want him to be in a home where he's actually cared for (which i have done my#best to provide) but he's just. not mine. and every time it happens i back up and think man. im such a sucker.#i don't think people manipulate me often. not in an ongoing way i mean. i don't think ppl see me as valuable enough to most of the time.#but damn. she really found my weak spots didn't she. free petcare courtesy of one chump who can't live without animals around. sigh#he deserves stability but he deserves love more. this weird shared custody thing is better for him i think. and frankly i also love him.#im not the priority here but my feelings are like. there. him being taken away without even telling me first hurts. i'd like to be able to#say goodbye to him. im not saying he has to stay or this has to go on but couldn't they just.. consider my feelings a bit more?#just bc you're fine with dropping your cat off somewhere for weeks not knowing when you'll see him again and not visiting doesn't mean i am#and i kind of feel like my roommate is part of this. after all it's not like his owner can just break into our room and take him#and if im always out when they do it there's a chance roomie's just shipping him off whenever she gets sick of him.#she's done it before. even after she agreed so vehemently with me about never wanting him to go back to such treatment and stuff early on.#she's been spraying him for little reason lately too. and i mean i get being a little more cautious with some things bc her neck's broken#but she's really fixated on how much he smells and bites and stuff and talks about how if i wasn't around she'd consider eating him#and then other times she's like that's my pookie. i don't get it. like yeah i tell rascal to fuck off sometimes bc he hurts me but it's not#like a hateful thing. i dont resent him for it i'm just annoyed sometimes bc he's maiming me a little. he's my baby. how could i loathe him?#so it makes me think that roomie might be blaming his transfers on his owner bc she doesn't want me to judge her#and like. this is her room too. it's not her fault she's more bothered by the smell than me. if she doesn't want to be bitten and clawed all#the time i can sympathize. i don't wanna force her to house him. but i wish she'd just be honest with me i guess#like. what if his owner decides to give him away without telling me? i'd take him in in a heartbeat. even though i know it's a bad idea.#but i'm worried he'll fall out of my reach completely. and at the very least I'd like to be able to say goodbye first. that's all.
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I've been following that AITA blog for a bit now and it has me thinking about my own life situations with conflict and drama. A passive "do I have anything I could submit to that blog?" But upon thinking about it, it's like... I really find no value in asking strangers whether I'm "the asshole" in situations. There are situations where I'm clearly not at fault, situations where I was a little shit but it was justified, and at least one situation where I have a definite "Oh yeah, I was definitely the asshole there". All in the past, so it's not like I'd even need advice or anything. I already know, so what's the point?
Maybe it stems from me being a generally self-aware and self-confident kind of person. I know what's going on with myself, know when I've wronged people, & I have a mentality of "well, I'll try to not do that in the future." Even if I feel a little guilty thinking back, what's the point of asking after something when I know I'm at fault? Or situations where things were complicated and both people had fault in things, but I know I wasn't being shitty on purpose & that's what matters to me. Ultimately, it results in a bunch of strangers drawing conclusions about things I really don't care about outside input on.
Still love reading the blog tho. There's something about reading up on random people's life drama that satisfies that gossipmonger soul in me So well.
#speculation nation#i think the most blatantly YTA thing id get is when i ghosted that guy i was seeing back when i was 20 or so#wasnt ever actually dating but i made it sound like i would. very much led him on.#then realized i just wasnt into cishet guys At All and dropped him out of nowhere bc i was 20 and didnt know how to deal with feelings#objectively it was a pretty awful thing for me to do. and i feel bad that i did it.#have i ever tried to reach out and apologize tho? no lmao#it happened so long ago now i feel like itd bring more animosity than relief anyways.#id like to think ive learned from it tho. Dont Date People Just For The Hell Of It.#god it rly is my romantic history where im the biggest asshole. my prior girlfriend too#i do feel bad about that. i never meant to hurt her but that sure is what i did.#it was better to break it off when i did. wouldve been better had i did it earlier but oh well.#then as a teenager and my whole fucked up romance life then...#but NO LONGER!!!!!!!! hopefully lol. im rly into my current girlfriend and after my last one ive been dedicated to. not do that again.#cant date people just because im bored. that's never ended well for me.#i learned my lesson this time for SURE!!!!!#anyways yea id say more constently id be The Asshole in these situations. but im only human man it happens.#other situations it's usually just fucked up situations with me being a toxic little shit in response bc it's all i knew.#idk. community voting doesnt matter to me. learning from my prior mistakes and shortcomings is what matters to me.#it's interesting to see the blog tho. people are insecure about some of the most trivial things sometimes...
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the way i have absolutely no business being the way i am
#horse.txt#vent //#sort of. too high to be sad abt it im in anthropology mode and listening to music that makes me feel sexy so its fine yk#anyway i typed a whole bunch of other tags talking abt how and why i feel this way by going through a few of the events i can remember#from my childhood that Might explain why im so emotionally guarded and struggle to open up anymore.#bc i Wanted to say they all felt dumb and juvenile esp since ive actually like#made peace with most of the ppl who were involved with them#but the Anthropology mode was just tearing it all down as i typed it bc that Is just a ridiculous way to look at it no matter how you cut it#doesn't matter that nobody involved really Meant to deal that kind of harm and i dont need to hate or blame anyone in order to acknowledge#that it still just Happened. like thats a Memory already babe no do overs.#which is kind of just accidental therapy so sick. love that fir me genuinely!#but also yes theres the bitch part of me that still wants to discredit it bc acknowledging that it happened =/= Fixing My Issues#so im still at square one technically. ive just been pacing in circles on it for a while ig#EVEN WORSE that the Scale of my issues is so incredibly mundane compared to so many of the people i seem to meet.#sitting in bed crying abt not having friends for a few days in elementary school when other ppl have jojos bizarre adventure levels of Lore#i know im not technically invalid for feeling the way i do or anything but god. if it doesn't feel fucking Embarrassing to open up about😭#its impossible NOT to feel stupid and sensitive for having these first world ass problems. And letting them hold me back#bc ppl not liking me for any reason makes me sooooooooo fucking scared So fucking scared its not even funny 😝#at least. ppl in my Circles. im pretty ok about being assertive with randos#still some work to be done on it but its better than whatevers going on with my personal relationships rn#sincerely to my mutuals and loved ones who see this i swear to GOD i love you so so so fucking much and im so. im trying to figure out this#the stuff thats got me so distant and bad at keeping in touch. its a whole slew of feelings about how i see Myself--not yall#i double pinky promise cross my heart im extremely serious#thank you for being patient with me you mean more to me than im capable of putting into words right now#alright theres a shot of tears in the hollow of my collar bone time to wrap up this post#daily reminder that i love body hair. there's some honesty.#😎😎😎💪💪💪#the Quaritch under the cut is just to make me feel better bc i love him and i think hes so pretty. hes like a security blanket
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you ever give someones video essay you sort of disagree with a shot and then You still disagree with them. Thats crazy
#she said Us was a movie about middle class fears of the envy of the working class. which yes. but no. but that like.#it cant be about the working class because of its depiction of them as growling horror villains#which. also removing the aspect of. the tenderness and understanding in the film between the protagonist and the supposed antagonist#and the narrative weirdness that makes you question who is who and who was there first being a thing#to feed into the argument that contempt is the sublimation of envy and Explains a lot about society.com#anyway this is just one part of the video and other bits actively spun the is this ME question i kept afloat while watching it#but is it the truth that envy drives moralistic thinking just because it sounds more self aware and enlightened 6_9#after all even before religion and before masters and slaves people did have a sense of good or bad#based more around pain pleasure and functionality right#and can envy explain the contempt of people who dont want what they contempt.#i think its easy for some people in some positions to say like oh well they’re just envious and lying to themselves to feel better about it#and it’s hard for these same people to imagine i guess the depth of a contempt without desire. they must not truly hate me#they only want what I have and bemoan their lack of it.#but does everyone want the same thing. i.e. if you are disgusted by extravagance consumption opulence whatever is it always just envy#if you believe wealth and excess power robs everyone within it of something you actually desire#or is that just envious self-delusion. who knows#in this way of thinking some things are never possible or mutable because once the tables are turned and the envious desire is fulfilled#then people only will ever become corrupt because the substance of it always mattered less than emotional gratification#which maybe has been the pattern but is that it is that just ze human condition forever#?_?. i get the video wants to focus so it discards a lot of these things but i just dont think they can be extricable#also she said flaunting wealth is an american phenomenon LMAO. I was chinese once#also that black swan was about the sublimation of envy into artistic perfection (yes) but also not about the humanity it robs#in the proccess.
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sigh
#a nyx original#emotional nonsense#something so comforting about hiding what i actually want to say in the tags#anyways#sometimes i wonder how thin the ice im walking on is#You can hate Them for doing something but what if you find out that im not any better#do You actually like me for who I am or only because im “better” than other people in your life#which im not. ive told you that im not. i am the same if not worse.#i am not someone you should be putting your trust into.#you will find someone better you will get rid of me eventually#why do you keep denying it when im just telling you whats inevitable#i am nooo better than everyone else you hate and once you internalise that you will cut me off#is it worth it for me to hold on. i can stop this before that ever happens and make the landing softer for both of us#show some self respect. if you can recognise that theyre bad you can recognise that im worse.#my feelings dont matter here <3 ill get over it someday somehow#i just want the best for you
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i think ppl gotta get acquainted with the difference between systemic privilege and social privilege, which can overlap, but not always.
#a lot of the time when i feel like someone is 'privileged' even though ik they actually aren't its bc socially they are-#they have a social safety net. they dont gotta worry about their friends and/or family abandoning them. people generally like them. yknow?#and i think ppl take it for granted or act like its super easy to 'climb the social pyramid' even left leaning ppl act this way about it#(though its more of a subconscious thing rather than something directly acknowledged and thought about)#when in reality theres a lot of things other people can do to you to make it harder to have that same level of social privilege.#id say climbing the social pyramid specifically in left leaning spaces is nearly impossible. people designate a spot for you and you#p much stay there forever unless they can get some use out of you.#like im glad we're having these convos about systemic privilege but i think they're incomplete w/o considering this.#and dont come in here acting like 'its not as big of a deal' because clearly you dont understand how important companionship is for humans#social privilege also changes based on the setting. like... you could generally be liked by people outside of a certain group#but within that group you're seen as horrible irredeemable garbage and ignored and stomped on and spat on.#so then you have 0 social privilege within that group.#you have no sway. your voice doesnt count or matter. etc. etc.#and lets try a different more specific situation... lets say you're generally disliked by people around you and you go to this other group#of people that you heard was accepting of people like you... and you find you're hated there as well#kinda seems like you have 0 social privilege. so no safety net. no friends or family. no one likes you. you have no sway.#everyone ignores you. your voice doesnt count or matter......#and if you dont have a whole lot of systemic privilege either? life is gonna be pretty rough. who do you turn to for help?#if you have no systemic privilege but a lot of social privilege things are at least a bit better. you have friends to rely on. couches to#crash on. people who will bring you things you need. people who will help you when you need it most.#but what do you do if you have essentially neither? do you rot in the street bc someone thought you were just too cringe or w/e?#bc you didnt fit their Vibe or Aesthetic enough? because you didnt agree with every little thing they believe about something?#do you deserve to rot for the 'social crime' of being generally disliked?#even worse- what if theres not even a real reason people have to dislike you either. maybe if you were a bad person you'd feel it's#at least justified....... being left to rot and freeze to death..... for just being different..........#a lot of systemic privilege can come from social privilege too. like knowing the right person at the right time & becoming rich.
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I should rly get around to designing the Jackies and Olivias from my swap aus now that I have ideas for how to differentiate them for their non swapped counterparts, but at the same time the eternal dread of having to commit to either keeping or changing the gravitas uniform for the swap aus hangs over me with ever increasing pressure, so maybe I can just only draw headshots of them and commit to that til the end of time instead
#rat rambles#oni posting#but actually I probably will keep the uniforms because I like them and theyre fun to draw#plus I dont think making olivia director inherently means that the uniform would change so I can get away with it#olivia and jackie would have probably come up with that together anyways simular to the rest of gravitas branding#theyve probably had all of that decided on since their college days lol#but yeah Ive been thinking abt the swap aus more since it's fun to put olivia into a more antagonistic role#even if the levels of antagonistic varry heavily and in most of the universes jackie is also an antagonist even as the primary pov#a lot of these in universe would be mostly jackie pov rambling about some bullshit that doesnt matter while the real meat in the other logs#all imply some gnarly shit abt olivia and how shes faring as director#shes typically not as bad as her non swapped jackies but she rly pushes it in the swapped rat universe#and by that I kind of just mean she is simply just worse but she at least almost handled the divorce better than canon jackie#I say almost because she did proceed to kidnap the woman after she admittedly broke into gravitas facilities after being fired but still#generally speaking kidnapping and semi murdering your ex for science is t a cool move no matter how justified you feel#the other two olivias are a lot less openly corrupt with rabbit au olivia being mostly just more mean and raccoon au olivia just having a#smidge of a god complex that she generally never acted on to be shitty#also one of those olivias was in a toxic codependent relationship with her unstable wife and the other was also in an toxic codependent#relationship with her wife but her wife proceeded to murder her about it#the jackies are all pretty shitty tho even if in mostly different ways#we have petty incel jackie we have emotionally manipulative jackie and we have the reason raccoon au olivia has a mild god complex jackie#and then we're forced to sit and watch as each jackie reads through their shitty actions as memoryless pods acting like theyd never do that#only to remember and sit in horror at the fact that at the end of the day their actions had little concequence to the greater universe and#that the only thing they achieved in life was hurting the woman they loved most and dying in a way that ultimately meant nothing#which is another reason Ive been thinking abt these aus sm as I love narratively kicking the shit out of jackie its fun#its a sign of my deepest love <3#Im so much nicer to main au jackie which is saying smth since one of them gets literally murdered#albeit swap rat au jackie also gets sorta murdered so raccoon au jackie rly isn't special in that regard#at least she wasnt held hostage before hand it was a spur of the moment event#anyways I need to shower before it gets too late Im trying to maintain a msidgen of a sleep schedule
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#bruhhhh im literally doing the same things to my current friend group that i did to people in high school bruhhh#how do u stop the cycle </3 it is endless#at the very least now i am awARE#but the awareness doesnt hit until im out of the actual social situations#within the moment i feel quite overwhelmed and excluded no matter what i do#i think for me its harder cuz im just also more introverted#so other people might see my quietness as like idk oh maybe she doesnt wanna talk right now#while im seeing things as why am i not being talked to right now :((#its hard i want to show up for my friends a lot of them are graduating#but every group social event makes me feel more and more alone and i have stopped being able to control my emotions in the moment#like just the knowledge of like#if theres only space for 2 people on a sidewalk i'll be that third person trailing behind#and like its always me#groups of three make me uncomfortable#i dont have the confidence to insert myself in a group of two like ever#which is part of the problem for sure#and its like im quiet so even if i insert myself it'll just be me doing NOTHIGN#and saying NOTHIGN#which like ACHK#been getting bad at fighting these thoughts more and more by the day#the onLY thing thats different is my logical side she is#way louder than she used to be before i just gotta learn how to listen to her#in the MOMENT#its always afterwards where shes like told ya so#im doing more for myself too now though really really dont want life to repeat itself for the nth time#seeing a therapist rn who feels a lot better than my previous ones so im holding out hope#told me to list things i like about myself and i was like uhh how about things i value <3#and she was like no LSDKJF#its so tricky cuz like the things i value i dont even necessarily like about myself#i value honesty but honesty if misdelivered stings and i think ive done that one too many times
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also being short in the western world is fucking humiliating and not even in a compare your appearance way. its the fucking constant lack of fitting clothing because your proportions are so fucking short because you total up to fucking FIFTY FIVE!!!! 55 inches ONLY
small sized clothing will usually still have 4-5 excess inches for fucking standardization IM NOT THE STANDARD IM A STUPID SHORT ASIAN IMMIGRANT JUST LET ME HAVE SMALLER CLOTHES WITH SOME FUCKING DIGNITY
#this is a very personal problem and i wish i could complain more but i dont have theq energy and all i have are tears#but like i already live thru the embarrassment of asking for help constantly and using stupid ass ladders#cant i at least fucking have some actual short people pants please. please. i have to geqt shit tailored or start doing mods myself but#I SHOULDNT HAVE TO ITS 2023#i literally want to die tonight so i can stop being a burden on my bfs bc i can feel it i can feel how taxing i am and i know i shouldnt be#thinking this but like. i cant stop. i make it hard to be my friend i make it scary to be nice to me all i wnt to do is attack bc im hurtin#but thats not. gonna make me feel better in any way but thats not gonna stop the constsnt impulse in there to just start screaming#and its worse knowing thwt no matter what route is taken ill still get angry. or maybe i just want them to be angry about me already so i#have an excuse to get wngry back and idk. feel catharsis through that or something#idk. i hate my stupid brain and i hate my stupid ex for making me hate it more#im so angry and i have no one who is comfortable enough to deal with that so instead ill sleep earlu @#idk i hate differences they make me fixated on all the ways i can get angry about it so idk how to deal w that#i have so much to compare + i cant say it bc if i do then theyll be conscious abt it/theyll know its smth that just adds .1% to anger meter#ugh i think were hoing to moms this Christmas and while thsts nice i dont. have the emotional capacity to confide in her#i only want my mom. but i cant tell her any of this bc theres nothing that she csn even do#other than just throw money at me for support#i hate this#original#vent
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