#that comes from people engaging with material that often feels very intimately connected to how they live & breathe in the world

[choco-cherry-chunk]

I’m interested to hear about your OCs.

what’s their name, their job, how they met their partner/s (if they have them), etc etc

hell, tell me how many freckles they have 😆

You are so sweet, love.

I have a great number of them for a variety of short stories and novels I have worked on, but of those that would potentially interest followers of this blog (i.e., pregnancy/mpreg head canon fans), that would apply to some of the following.

Limber - early 30's, actor and theater professor at a performing arts college. He is fond of musicals and campy drama plays. He sucks at cooking, but is adamant that he could improve with time and effort (he can't). He has a tumultuous relationship with his parents and siblings and doesn't tend to talk about it. He's recovered from years of an eating disorder and worked through it well. He's not much of a reader, but will deeply analyze recorded plays and movies. He absolutely sucks at board games but can be surprisingly good at casual sports. He's been married to his husband, Moriarty, for six-ish years, and they met near the end of their college careers. He and Moriarty, at present, have had two children at some point, and as much as Limber is very embarrassed to admit it, he does enjoy the process of pregnancy and wouldn't mind doing it again.

Moriarty - early to mid 30's, psychologist focused on child development and parenting education. He absolutely adores children and babies. He's the cook between him and Limber, though he can be guilty of cooking things that aren't the most healthy more often than not. He is close with his mother, but he moved from Austria to attend college in the US, and has since lived there with his husband and doesn't see her as often as he would like. He has something of a heavy accent and a laugh that's prone to startling people, but Limber adores it. He actually doesn't consume a lot of media outside of material for his job, but he does really like bad action movies and the entirety of the "Law and Order" franchise. He mostly likes to run and hike, but without anything playing, which his husband thinks is sociopathic. He loves Limber and their two children, but he does love seeing Limber pregnant and hopes he will be willing to have more.

Cricket - age unknown, a rabbit-person magician. Cricket is a rabbit magician, formerly a stuffed toy, come to life. They enjoy performing a great number of magic tricks that they come up with themselves, learning new types of dance, and doing something rabbits are known to be very good at ;). They have a deep personal relationship with Maurice, their intimate companion and "Lovely Assistant", with whom they frequently perform magic and dance shows with, and even are likely to engage in something akin to slap-stick comedy. Given that "Conjuring Cricket" has magical abilities beyond their tricks, they and Maurice are equally likely to pop a baby or two (or more) in their bellies.

Maurice - age unknown, a rainbow-clown-marionette. Maurice is a marionette covered in rainbow stripes and made to emulate the appearance of a colorful pierrot clown. He loves to dance, write poetry, and engage with Cricket "in the manner of the French", as he would sarcastically say. He and Cricket have a soulful connection and he loves to serve as the "Lovely Assistant" in Cricket's magic shows, include them in any of his own performances, and play around with laughable comedy. Maurice adores all of Cricket's tricks, including and not limited to anything involving having a little one or two.

Y'all are so sweet to ask about this. Feel free to send other if you want to. This was just so lovely. <3

Oh, and none of these four have freckles, ha ha.

[whentherewerebicycles]

hi friends harry tour is over and my brain is my own again, which means i’m now starting course planning in earnest. here are some thoughts i’ve been having on day 1 of planning.

what if the theme of my fall LGBTQ lit class was tenderness?

ive been thinking a lot about harry styles lately (could you tell? lol) and about his ‘treat people with kindness’ slogan. on one level i love it a lot bc he’s a mainstream male pop act who seems to be genuinely pretty invested in non-toxic masculinity and who chooses to center traditionally disparaged feminine-coded values in his branding. on another level though it leaves me longing for a degree of emotional complexity and ambivalence that mainstream pop can’t always communicate. (i mean of course people form more complex emotional relationships to pop culture but you know what i mean, it’s a mass-market product.) anyway going to that queer femme punk-ish show in austin right after was making me think about how one of the things i really value about those kinds of smaller, more localized, DIY/independent kinds of queer & femme art is that they can foreground kindness, intimacy, love, etc., while also exploring how emotionally knotted & complex & exhausting those experiences can be. like how vulnerability can be something you choose to be but very often it is also something other people make you, vulnerability that is violent or dehumanizing.

i was thinking that ‘tenderness’ is the word i would choose over kindness. because tenderness can encompass kindness -- it can invoke a cluster of ideas around taking care, being careful, being gentle with yourself and others, cultivating empathetic openness to the world. but it can also evoke those more complex feelings of hurt: a tender spot can be a bruise or a vulnerable place where someone’s hurt you before. it might be an old wound that’s healed over but still hurts, something you might want to shield or guard (that MUNA lyric: but baby, a bruise is only your body / trying to keep you intact). tenderness can also evoke discomfort: a tender subject is a sensitive matter, a sore subject, something you’d rather not discuss that keeps coming up again and again. tender subjects is often a subject that must be negotiated repeatedly, in ways that can feel exhausting, draining, depleting. and tenderness is something that people experience differently depending on how they are situated in the world and in relation to others. (i feel like we could REALLY dig in here around the idea of what makes tenderness different from, say, politeness, civility, or bland forms of sensitivity. tenderness and defensiveness; tenderness and discomfort. theres so much we could read & discuss right now about queer artists whose work explores powerful, turbulent, sometimes terrifying emotions -- rage, passion, grief, a sense of agonizing helplessness -- while also practicing radical forms of tenderness, and sometimes coming up hard against its limitations.)

and finally i like that there is something small about tenderness -- something small and close to the body, close to feeling. kindness allows for more distance; it connotes less risk, and so at times it can feel like benign benevolence or a one-way relationship. but tenderness is about bodies in worlds, about the feeling self responding, reacting, protecting itself, shielding others, reaching out, making tentative contact. tenderness is intimate, private, personal, but it is also social. it is about bodies in worlds, about our relations to ourselves and to others: we feel tenderness for, we are tender with, the people and things we care about.

PLEASE REC ME YOUR FAVORITE WORKS OF QUEER/FEMINIST ART, MUSIC, LIT, & FILM THAT EXPLORE TENDERNESS, HAVE TAUGHT YOU TO BE TENDER, OR INSPIRE FIERCE TENDERNESS IN YOU

[cancerjupiter]

astrology notes: mars (pt. 2)

mars in libra

the mars principle describes how you set about getting what you need for yourself and shows how you define yourself. libra is about you in relation to others and gaining self-knowledge by using others as a mirror. these two opposing principles do not combine comfortably. how can you define yourself or decide what you want effectively if you consider the other person's needs before your own? 

the person with mars in libra attributes enormous importance to what the 'other' wants, and often gives away their energy and sexual needs. they don’t know what they want until they discovered what the other person wants. if you ask them what they want to do, they will most likely answer by asking what you want to do. this makes decision-making virtually impossible because they cannot focus in on what they want, but are always looking for answers from the outside, drawing in others to help them decide. because of this difficulty in knowing what they want, they are very ambivalent and give out double messages all the time. if they make a definite statement, they will immediately qualify it, so that what they really want becomes blurred and open to doubt.

in their sexual relationships, mars in libra like to observe the social niceties - venusian touches such as romantic notes, thank-you letters, and cards sent to continue the connection. romantic and charming, they know what pleases and often show a flattering interest in their partner's life and emotional well-being. they always ask the right questions and respond appropriately, which can be very seductive. enjoying repartee and flirtation, people with mars in libra may flirt for ever without ever getting round to doing anything. they enjoy creating the right setting - a romantic meal with soft lights and sweet music. 

sometimes there is a perfect atmosphere for sex, with the promise and the innuendo there, but the sex itself may never materialize. this is because Libra feels much more comfortable with the flirting stage than with the disturbing intimacy of sex. people with mars here like to start contacts, forge links and hold relationships together, but they also like to keep at a distance and avoid intense involvement, often using niceness and politeness as a barrier to intimacy. however, the urge to establish a sexual relationship is a driving force for people with mars in libra, so that even if there is not much actual sex involved, they need to feel they have an actual sexual partner, and will put a great deal of effort into pleasing their partner and holding the relationship together. 

mars in scorpio

mars is in dignity in scorpio; and someone with this placement is likely to have a quietly powerful and unobtrusively charismatic presence, backed up by an inner strength and sense of purpose. these people will have a certainty in their manner that conveys that they are not people to be toyed with. this is the most assertive and potentially ruthless of the water signs. 

this sounds a promising placement for passionate sex, and mars in scorpio people are passionate as fuc. however, with relationships they are often so intense and sex is often such a traumatic arena that they may never actually do it, though they can spend a lot of time anguishing over it. their sexual contacts are likely to be intensely emotional. they may have such immense feelings invested in sex that they shrink when they are attracted to someone, and all spontaneous responses fail; things just stop flowing. for a mars in scorpio, sex is all or nothing; they feel it as life and death - which can throw them into dreadful crisis and inner turmoil. sex is indeed intimately connected to life and death; and they will feel closer to this truth than anyone else. 

this placement makes for a depth of emotional honesty and integrity that you do not find with mars in the other water signs, but it can also produce the most agonized expression. once a relationship becomes established, someone with mars in scorpio will not be afraid of commitment. these people will offer and demand absolute loyalty, and will stand by their partners through thick and thin. they will also be the most possessive of all the water signs, and are vulnerable to feelings of sexual jealousy. this is because their feelings become so deeply engaged in their sexual relationships. with such an emotional investment, they have a great deal to lose. there is nothing lukewarm about them. these people will want to own their sexual partner; anyone not wanting to be possessed might find their intensity too much. 

mars in sagittarius

people with this placement have huge expectations of sex. believing it to be a path to self-knowledge, many are looking for sex to give meaning to life, and they may elevate it to the status of a religious belief. this can lead to restless promiscuity as they search for the spiritual enlightenment they crave. they can make a religion out of their own need for sexual freedom in order to pursue such illusive goal. on the surface, they appear to be happy and easy-going; but underneath there may be emptiness, despair, and a sense of having been cheated, as life constantly cannot match up to expectations. this provokes an endless search for the deep sexual healing that they believe could soothe this inner pain. 

as with all fire signs, but most intensely with sagittarius, there is a propensity to feel limited by the body, which holds them down when they want to be all spirit; and this can lead to a total rejection of the physical. this manifestation of mars can show someone who despises sex and aspires to devote themselves to the concerns of the mind and spirit, therefore renouncing sex completely. 

on a more ordinary everyday level, most people with mars in sagittarius do not live in such an extreme way, but they do all need to sex to bring meaning to life, together with a powerful belief in personal freedom. there is a common desire for sex to enrich their lives spiritually and offer a gateway to personal development. they are stimulated by differences and challenge, and so are often attracted to those who come from unique backgrounds who can give them a new perspective and widen their horizons. the impulsive nature of sag people means that they often jump too quickly into close relationships and then immediately feel restricted, so that often they have no sooner started a relationship than they have dreams of leaving. there is a tendency to run away from difficult situations rather than face up to the consequences of their own actions. they often find it hard to accept responsibility for what happens, believing that they have acted with the best of intentions and that therefore it must be the other person's fault. 

in order to enjoy sex, these people need to act spontaneously. within a relationship that offers this, they are very enthusiastic sexual partners, uninhibited and keen to experiment. they need the stimulation of variety, and tend to become bored if sex is too predictable. the person with mars in sag will want to get a lot of fun out of their relationships, and will enjoy going out to the cinema, concerts, and other activities with their partner. these people are also likely to enjoy their partners taking part in sporting activities with them, so that a shared morning run or a tough game of tennis could be quite fun! 

people with mars in this sign can make their partners feel fantastic. they have a warm enthusiasm which they give out freely; if they want you, they really show it. generous-spirited and optimistic, they expect to be desired, and so act in an open, confident way. if they are rebuffed, they will just try again or turn their attention elsewhere. they can, however, be rather careless with other people's feelings, acting first and think later, which can be very painful to those who are more sensitive. they find it hard to focus on the here and now or empathize with other people, as their gaze is firmly fixed on the distant future. they prefer to ignore difficulties, and that includes people's hurt feelings. rather than grapple with present problems, they will concentrate on their visions for the future and chase their dreams. for someone who shares these dreams, it can be an exciting road to travel. 

mars in capricorn

someone with this mars is likely to have an air of authority, and an innate sense of dignity and of deserving (not sure if that’s the right word tho). these people give a powerful impression of self-control and conduct themselves with good manners. they may seem quietly distinguished (and are often called mysterious). all the earth signs exercise self-control, caution and reserve, but these traits are most in evidence in someone with mars in capricorn. this could be because they feel their dignity is constantly at stake, which is arguably something that matters a great deal to them. they may restrict their lives in order to maintain control over it. 

when starting sexual relationships, someone with this placement will take considerable care not to make inappropriate moves. a rejection would be a loss of dignity. yet these people have a powerful sex drive and powerful needs for physical contact, so when sexually involved and certain of their partner they can be very bit as ardent as mars in taurus. people with mars in cap may be painstakingly slow in establishing contact, but once they have, they want the rewards for their efforts. they will take a sexual relationship seriously and expect it to last. 

like mars in virgo, they can go through long periods when, if not in a relationship, they remain celibate. for mars in capricorn, these may be rather austere times, when they bury themselves in their work or productive activities and swutch off their sexual needs (my friend with this placement says she’s not crazy about masturbating, but to each his own ofc). this is their way of surviving. when they do have a partner, they will let go of some of their control and have a powerful sensuality. 

people with mars in capricorn will be ambitious, and might choose a sexual partner who helps them get on in life or who enhances their status. they may choose someone who opens doors that might otherwise remain closed, or who has money. this is not as calculated as it sounds, for they may literally get turned on by money or authority. alternatively, a mars in capricorn person may start up in business with their lover. the dividing line between business partnerships and sexual relationships can easily blur. this is an ideal placement for a working sexual relationship.

mars in aquarius

this mars placement causes some impulsiveness and abruptness in manner or speech. they may do things quickly and unexpectedly, either because they make up their minds quickly or because they don’t fully realise the consequences of their actions. they often sum up facts or opinions and comes to a conclusion very quickly (the type of person to read the headline but not the article). they always seem ready for anything; mars in aqua often knows what to do in an emergency and how to stay level-headed through it. they speak readily and are incisive debaters, forcible and determined. their opinions are fixed and not easily changed from outside (aquarius is fixed after all); but when they do change, it often happens so suddenly and abruptly as if to surprise everyone. 

the often alienate their friends because of their actions, easily suffering from opposition and hostility. this position is not favourable for social niceties, associations, companies or firms, as they don’t see the need to nice for the hell of it. however, they’re somewhat ambitious and aspiring, original and independent in thought, too much so to associate on an equal footing with others for any length of time; such relationships are usually broken either through their ambition or love of independence. sometimes they seem to be democrats, but there is a good love of autocracy in them; they love leading and guiding others. 

mars in pisces

they’re the most romantic and tricky placement of the water signs. this is someone who is extremely sensitive to romantic gestures in love, and able to tune in to their loved ones on the subtlest levels. these people can make the most attentive lovers, who seduce and overwhelm their loved ones with flattery and attention. and yet, just as the object of their affections succumbs, they may be on their way, ever elusive pisces, to the next lover. their effusive gestures of affection can be in some ways impersonal (and superficial in retrospect). with a mars in pisces suitor, you are never sure whether you are the real thing or just a sounding board on which they’re practising - the idealized love object of the moment. these psople may want to keep their illusion intact more than they want a partner. plus they may enjoy the seduction process more than an actual relationship. they may be in love with the concept of being in love. if you are 'the real thing' for them, then your relationship will be infused with romance and mystery. these people will need intrigue to keep them involved, and will themselves regularly inject such ingredients into the relationship to keep the romance alive. they may read too much fanfiction for their own good (lol sorry, Bea). 

there is a deep yearning for an oneness with their partner; a total merging, which they are likely to satisfy through sexual contact. for them, sex may be a spiritual experience. it may be an union with something far greater than their partner and themselves that they seek, whether or not they are conscious of it. for someone with mars in pisces, there will be a conscious awareness of this spiritual dimension. the practice of meditation symbolically represents their orientation. someone with such an orientation could, if not in a relationship, spend long periods celibate. paradoxically, they can also be the most promiscuous, with no sense of sexual boundaries, and wanting everyone that they feel attracted to. it really depends on their level of consciousness. this is the most passive of the Water signs, and perhaps the one with the greatest diversity of expression.

[btsandvmin]

Ask: Reply - 2021.03.18

I don’t know what might be the best way to go about asks, but for now I’ll try to answer asks as they come and when I can/want to I’ll collect them together in a post instead of answering indivudually. I’ve seen other Vminie blogs with similar formats and have done a few collection posts like this before, and it really seems to be the easiest way to digest your questions.

Let’s go through what you’ve sent me today as I finally opened up this blog for asks again. :)

Topics:

Ask 1 - Vmin’s emotional connection vs ship moments Ask 2 - KTH1 and creative control Ask 3 - What makes a ship big? Ask 4 - Thoughts on Tae/kook’s relationship (+ edit on other post) Ask 5 - When did they first mention the dumpling fight? Ask 6 - A little about me and my big analysis Ask 7-9 - Thank yous and nice things

Thank you all for waiting. <3 Read more under the cut.

Ask 1 -  Vmin’s emotional connection vs ship moments

I agree with you. I might not look at other ships as focused as I do with Vmin, but I would guess no other ship comes close to how much Vmin have shown their emotional intimacy in many ways over the years. Not to mention how many times even BTS themselves point out Vmin’s bond as special. Not to mention to begin with we shouldn’t be insecure about their bond based on their interactions with others. We should judge Vmin based on how they interact with each other.

All members have skinship (though some more than others), but both Jimin and Tae are super comfortable with touching, sometimes even with strangers. Looking at moments you can ship all ships, and there are even those that believe their ship to be real for almost all ships in BTS at this point. Why? Well because if you focus on your ship and put emphasis on the moments between them as bigger or more important, you can find “proof” for anything. Because that’s just how close and shipworthy all of the dynamics in BTS are. They all love each other, and shippers can find their own preferred love amongst them. 

I think we also need to remember all the things Vmin has CONFIRMED that other shippers try to prove with their own ships. How is tae/kook hugging or ji/kook cuddling supposed to make me feel insecure about Vmin when they have that too AND call each other soulmates in a song that made one of their procucers cry and other things like Namjoon getting goosebumps thinking about their bond? Taehyung cried reading his letter to Jimin and Jimin said no other member would likely truly understand why he cried. Taehyung has called Jimin the warmest person he knows and his one and only best friend. AND AGAIN, SOULMATE. The years of material we have show us again and again how important they are to each other and how they grow and work hard together to make their bond even stronger.

Vminies, please appriciate what we have because we are spoiled.

Ask 2 - KTH1 and creative control

Honestly this is a difficult one. The thing is that we know that likely to some degree Big Hit will always be involved with what the boys do and release. But I also think their freedom to express themselves is better than most idol companies, and BTS whole brand is to be as genuine as possible. As for what Tae would be asked to tone down is hard to say exactly, but we do know that Yoongi and Namjoon (and other members) have been pretty dark and honest in their lyrics. I know from a Vmin perspective it could be something either LGBT+ or even directly Vmin related, but there isn’t enough to go on for me to make a good guess. We literally just know that he was told to tone it down. It doesn’t even have to be about the subjects or lyrics, even though that does seem the most likely. But we do know that Taehyung wants to release something that reflect him and that he can be proud of, so I am sure no matter what we get they will be his honest feelings. I am very excited and a bit scared thinking about Tae’s mixtape if I am being honest.

That being said, I think there could be lines that they should be careful not to cross. I think it’s possible with Taehyung’s personality who “doesn’t beat around the bush” that he might want to express more than what might be appropriate. Not just from Big Hit’s perspective but for his own sake. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying Tae is an idiot who doesn’t know what’s good for him. I just think at times he might be rebellious against his own better judement because it is something so important to him. For me talking about the Christmas song is partly such a moment, but I still think he was careful and ambiguous enough about it, even though he allowed himself to complain. Still, I am sure if it is about sexuality or even a relationship he knows the risks of being too open about it and would likely understand the need to be careful, or tone things down, if that was the case. A mixtape/album is not something done rashly or in the moment, so no matter what we get I am sure it will have been checked and considered by Tae and by Big Hit.

So basically I suppose the delay could be about creative control but mostly I really think it’s about Taehyung wanting to do well and writing when he feels like it without pressure. Which I feel is a very healthy approach by him honestly. We know mixtapes takes time and we know how Hobi felt about his first one, so I really think we should just give him time and I am sure we will get something amazing.

Ask 3 - What makes a ship big?

Aaaaaaw~! Thank you so much for your love and compliments. I feel like am very lacking in many areas still, but regardless I am glad my posts are appriciated. If I can bring a smile to anyones’ face that is an acomplishment to be proud of. Thank you. <3

As for what makes a ship big or not is of course quite subjective. For me at this point I would say ALL BTS ships are big ships. Not comparing them to each other but just by the huge amount of fans they all have. (I hope you don’t have to learn the pain or liking a rare-pair from a small fandom T-T). Almost all the ships in BTS even have analysis and people who believe in them, and I think that is partly an effect of size as well. That being said I think the bigger a ship is the easier it is for it to grow more. Which is why it is no surprise a lot of BTS ships that were popular right at the start are still the biggest ones now. But with more material and more fans there comes communities focused on their own ship, and they all grow as they get more moments. Vmin too have had a few times when they blow up for a while and gather new curious shippers. Friends is clearly a great example of this. Even Sweet Night seem to be something of a turning point for some to start shipping Vmin. All ships will grown in size with each passing year as we are always given new material. Even if a ship doesn’t get a lot, it will likely get enough to keep fans engaged.

For me I would say the loudest and the most agressive are often the biggest  (more bad apples the bigger the basket you know) and I think we can see some size indications by what ships trend more often etc. Ships can also be big in different ways and in different forums... Like how ji/kookers have taken tumblr as their platform while tae/kookers seem to be on youtube comments a lot.

All in all I don’t think size matters much though. Especially not with BTS where all ships get a lot of material and has their own fans who create for, share and dicuss about their pair. Popularity to me is not really something I think too much about, and honestly I think the way only the most popular pairs seem to get attention in the form of “worry” etc. is very telling. If JK and Hobi share a bed and cuddle and celebrate JK’s BD together, or Hobi post them having a picknick outside their house at night no one bats an eye... But if it was JK with one of Vmin? Confirmed to be dating and all other shippers get worried. 

Going into detail why ships gets big is a different conversation though. :P I hope I understood your ask correctly. Basically I consider all BTS ships as more or less big (perhaps with the exception of 2seok).

Ask 4 - Thoughts on Tae/kook’s relationship

So I got two Tae/kook asks today, seemingly because Tae/kook has had a lot of moments recently. I deleted the first one, but this one I feel is safe enough to share. I’ve talked about tae/kook before... (HERE for example) and I stand by that now too. I don’t have to dismiss other ships to feel confident about Vmin’s love for each other.

Tae/kook has always had a very physical and playful dynamic. Even when Tae changed and toned down this side of him we got moments where he played with JK or they hugged or cuddled close. I do see a little change now after ITS but mostly in that Tae seems to initiate more, not that it looks different in nature. I think when Tae changed his dynamic with JK lost a lot of it’s “main focus” as Tae wasn’t as playful. Look at JK with Jin as a comparison and I think JK in general is drawn to hang with people who are happy and fun to tease. 

Anyways, about their bond I do think tae/kook are close but as grown men they don’t have the same relationship that they used to when they were younger. They simply grew up and their dynamics changed. They haven’t had a lot of more serious conversations, but I think now that distance have become a little shorter after ITS. I think Tae/kook has a great bond that is underrated by many in the fandom but overrated greatly by their shippers. They clearly love each other and have fun with each other and can be very comfortable physically. 

But are they as close as Vmin? Personally I really doubt it. And even if Tae/kook would be real why should that have any impact on Vmin? Surely you wouldn’t think they are together but cheating or something drastic like that. I am also not sure why you would be particularly worried about tae/kook based on physical interactions alone though... I mean, both Hope/kook, Tae/jin, Ji/kook and Vmin also have a loooot of very intimate looking moments if you ask me.

You don’t have to worry about Vmin. If Tae has gushed about Jimin being special to him from 2013 to 2020 I don’t see why 2021 would be any different.

I also got a reply to this post where I mentioned the tae/kook ask I deleted. I must first say that it was my mistake to write JK’s lips and not his lip mole. I have edited the post to make clear he talked about the mole and not the lips.

Either way, thank you anon for giving perspective and adding your thoughts to the moments. Not to mention moments like this happen for all members and I don’t think we can draw any strong conclusions from them saying another members is sexy or something similar. But yeah, people pick and choose what they will remember, and often focusing on the negative will leave a bigger impact than the positive.

Ask 5 - When did they first mention the dumpling fight?

Hi and don’t worry. I honestly think a lot of Vminies don’t know about this because the first time was such a small moment not many would pay attention and remember it. We knew about it since 2016 where Tae offhandedly mentioned him and Jimin fighting about dumplings once.

I don’t even have the actual source for the first time Tae mentioned it, but it was all the way back in July 2016 in an interview with @star1 magazine, so we know it happened before that.

Then Tae got asked about it on a post it during a BST era fansign as well. Also, did you know the reason they fought was 💜?

Yeah.... Let’s just say I am not surprised at all to hear their dumpling fight having more meaning than first let on. As with most things brought up in the lyrics of Friends it’s something we already knew about since before. I also talked about this in my post Vmin analysis - “Friends”. (Though at that point we hadn’t heard them speak much about it and didn’t know how big of a deal it seemed to be.) It makes me wonder if the other things they talk about in the lyrics might also have more meaning than we know. 

Personally I think the reason we even got them talking about the dumpling incident so much is thanks to JK in the carpool karaoke. When asked what Vmin would fight about he was the one who mentioned dumplings and likely brought more attention to it than if it would simply have remained as one of the many lyrical anecdotes in the song. I am glad we got to know more, because honestly the dumpling incident seems to have been a pivotal moment in Vmin���s relationship.

Ask 6 - A little about me and my big analysis

Hi and thank you so much for the lovely compliments. Trying to consider all kinds of possibilities I feel should be obvious if you truly want to analyse something, but sadly I think when it comes to observing real people and being invested emotionally that becomes really difficult. Me too have to hold myself back a lot, because in the end there is always going to be room for error. And if I am wrong, who will be hurt? Likely all of you who listen to me and take my words into consideration. So I rather be upfront about the risk of being wrong than to speak too confidently and accidentally ending up misleading someone. I am really so happy and proud over Vminies who can stand back and not become delusional despite everything we actually have (this includes myself, because it’s not always easy to not get caught up in theories).

As for who I am it’s of course ok to ask. I am from Sweden and is 30 years old. (English isn’t my native language so I hope you forgive my mistakes, I know I have a lot of them in my posts). I’ve been a BTS fan since 2016 and Vmin fan almost since the start. I have been a fan of other groups long before BTS too and was pretty deep into the Japanese idol culture before fell for K-pop. For some additional info I also work with marketing and project managing and have a degree in conflict resolution. Thanks for being curious about me. :)

About my big analysis I am working on it still, and of course I hope to post it as soon as I can. I am a bit hesistant in bringing attention to some things though, as I have seen some of my previous theories and speculations be regarded as fact. I don’t want Vminies to run with my interpretations in a way that make them confident in Vmin being real. So yeah, I do want to post it, but I am also a bit worried what reactions it might get. I try very hard to remind you all that my theories are only speculations and we won’t know anything for sure (unless it would be confirmed). It still isn’t finished yet though, but I’ll keep working hard.

Ask 7 -  Thank you for the fic rec

Thank you! I am glad you enjoyed it. I haven’t had too much time to catch up on reading and just added a lot from my bookmarks, but good thing it was so appriciated by you all. Vmin writers truly are amazing aren’t they? :) 

(And don’t worry about me getting bad asks. I think I would have quit a long time ago if I let them bother me too much.)

Ask 8 - Just a very sweet anon

Thank you! I’m ok. Not great, but ok. Life goes on, you know? But I feel like I finally have the energy to blog again, and honestly that feels pretty great. It feels like I’ve been gone forever, but I hope you will still enjoy my musings and thoughts as you send me questions and I write new posts. :3

Ask 9 - The whole world is different from yesterday~ Just with your joy~

Omg what a sweet thing to say, thank you so much, you are putting a big smile on my face right now. I am glad you enjoy and understand my thoughts so much. I know many of you have missed my thoughts and even asked me when I would open my asks again, and so much always happen with Vmin too... (There is literally enough material to write books about them.) Thank you for waiting and being so understanding. I am happy to be back too. <3

Thank you everyone for you asks and I hope you liked this new format. :) I’ll try to keep it up and if you have any thoughts and opinions feel free to share them.

[lightadept]

Character Analysis: Mythological Relationship of Griffith and Guts

Whether intentionally or not, Guts and Griffith’s relationship seems to be heavily rooted in one particular mythological theme, which further colors their attraction and antagonism to one another. I’ll quickly go through the mythos in the first half of the post, and then discuss in the second half how it relates to their relationship and also to Casca. I apologize in advance for all the nonsense that’s going to come out of this. @bthump​​, here’s the analysis I promised to make a few weeks ago!

Proto-Indo-European mythology, whose traces are visible across cultures in entire Eurasia, shows a recurring conflict between two opposing principles. There’s a devouring chthonic creature on one side, a beast (most commonly, a snake or a wolf), and it’s associated with the lower world of matter. Then on the other side, there’s a hawk, a falcon, or an eagle: aerial, graceful, spiritual, and predatory, suggestive of celestial realms. Slavic mythology, which is an offshoot of Proto-Indo-European mythology, in particular, uses very often beast vs. hawk symbolism. In later dualistic interpretations, the spirit is good, the matter is vile, and the spirit triumphs over the matter. However, in older, naturalistic interpretations where this symbolism originated to begin with, spiritual and chthonic currents are eternally bound together, both necessary, both neutral, both caught in perpetual conflict. It could be that Berserk simply borrowed hawk/wolf dynamic from Ladyhawke (1985), however, Ladyhawke merely uses forms present in this myth, but not their underlying meaning. Berserk, on the other side, delved deep into it, and the driving force behind attraction and conflict of Griffith and Guts seems to have roots in it.

These two opposing mythical sides - hawk which stands for spirit, and beast which stands for matter - have different faces, different hypostases. Sometimes they are represented as archenemies always killing one another, sometimes as lovers always searching for each other, reflecting the idea that they cannot exist separated, yet almost whenever they combine, they inevitably hurt one another. Spirit suffers when it’s brought down to earth from its heights and entrapped in matter, and matter suffers when it is taken into the heights because it loses its roots, its relation to the chthonic earth. There’s always an imminent danger in combining them.  

Mythologically, the joining of these two opposing principles is usually depicted as a marriage of sun and moon - which, especially in some later philosophies that were a continuation of the original mythical thought - is often depicted as an eclipse (Ladyhawke uses this theme too). It is a moment when the spiritual is touching upon the physical, and if the union is successful, a third element is produced out of the two, containing both and reconciling them. However, if something goes wrong during the union, the result is a disaster. Old Slavic lore is chock-full of folk tales and legends that describe this event. There’s an attempted marriage of two persons - who are always the respective echoes of the mythical beast and hawk gods, or to be more precise, of their children, who are not enemies like their parents, but instead in love with each other. In the myth, the god, who comes from the realm of the beasts, is traveling from depths to heights (matter is rising to meet the spirit) to meet his to-be-bride. And the goddess, who lives in the heights and comes from the realm of the hawks, is also starting to lower (spirit lowering to meet matter), and they are supposed to meet midway. Yeah, it’s the “I want to be his equal” thing. On her way down, things usually get super dirty. Their attempted wedding is immediately preceded or followed by a disaster, usually a massacre that leaves everyone present dead. This massacre is caused because, suddenly, instead of two lovers, we have three people involved. It’s usually one man torn between two women, one of whom is the bearer of the spiritual and the other of the material principle. Sometimes the person who massacres everyone is the jealous bride herself because she learns that there is “another woman”, and sometimes it’s the third person who doesn’t want to let the other two wed, usually a possessive mother. Metaphysically, what is happening here is that at the moment of conjunction, of spiritual and material realities trying to unite, that third element - which is supposed to be produced through their union - is already present. It’s a triangle now. Spirit, body, and soul are all present at once. Soul, which is always in the middle of the conflict, is being torn between spirit and matter, cleaving to them both, and as a result, someone always ends up being the third wheel. In other words: spirit and soul wed and unite, but they forget the body. Or body and soul unite, leaving the spirit out. This third left out element punishes the other two, having been left out, and everyone inevitably suffers. This legend is a fantastic psychological metaphor for the terrors that psyche undergoes when one of its aspects is suppressed and denied. This love triangle represents the body-soul-spirit dynamic, where the soul is torn between the other two. It’s an allegory on what happens when the soul chooses (or seems to choose) one side over the other, and then as a consequence and a punishment, matter castrates spirit, or spirit castrates matter. There are many variants of this legend across Slavic folklore. All of them always echo the original Proto-Indo-European mythological conflict, involving the spiritual hawk vs. chthonic beast god. Did Miura know about all this? I don’t think so. It seems very unlikely. But he didn’t need to. He maybe knew about beast vs. hawk mythological conflict, or he simply borrowed the symbolism from the Ladyhawke movie. However, this myth merely personifies the human conflict present in almost all religions or philosophies. This theme is everywhere but in some less recognizable forms. Everyone eventually feels that it’s difficult for a soul (or psyche in our modern language) to be grounded in both spiritual and physical matters. It’s either inclined more to the spirit, or more to the physical reality, and if one goes all introspective and muses on this, one will inevitably be caught in this unfortunate love triangle of spirit-soul-body, where something is always being excluded at the expense of something else. I see Guts in this as a soul, torn between Casca and Griffith, between earthly and ethereal. So, Miura probably simply repeated the same tragedy that has been told throughout centuries in all cultures. Not because he knew these myths, but because these myths are imminent conclusions personified. They are just echoes of the age-old humanity’s struggle to understand itself that’s already embedded in the human psyche. Now let’s look at Guts, Griffith, and Casca through the lens of this symbology. Those three are that tragic, messed up triangle of spirit, soul and body. Guts is the soul, which is in a way always the center of the triangle because everything is perceived through it. He has substance, depth, but not a place in the world. At the beginning of manga, Guts is broken to the very core: he is essentially a man without a purpose, roaming and wandering, scattered. He doesn’t feel any higher call, he has no personal agenda, no personal wishes - he just exists and does things without knowing why he does them. Moreover, he is not just spiritually starving but physically as well, scarred by the trauma of what Donovan did to him. So, both his body and spirit have been butchered early on, leaving him with connection to none. But then he meets Griffith. And for the first time, Guts is fixated on something, there’s finally meaning, a purpose. He has something to fight for, something beyond himself. Griffith. Finally, a higher call. Griffith very clearly personifies the spirit principle. He’s all mental, aerial, detached, calculating, not earthed. White-bluish appearance, pretty evocative of aerial heights. He follows a higher call, he is messianic, but like with all spirits, his “dream” is not earthed. It’s detached from matter, from physicality, from ordinary life. He sees none of this, none of it is genuinely important to him, nothing touches him - that is, until he meets Guts. Guts brings him down, he earths him for a moment, and for the first time, through his interaction with another being, he’s an actual human, he is involved. For the first time, he is personally caring about someone. He’s cared about things before, yes: about his fellow men, about the Hawks, but in a detached matter, from far away, from the top, in a way that doesn’t involve him. With Guts, he cares personally. Guts invades him psychically, he reaches him from the inside. This is a violation of spirit by the soul, something completely new and unfamiliar to Griffith, so impactful that he is utterly baffled and ultimately shattered by it. There’s always a danger when it comes to involving a spirit into human affairs. In the aforementioned myth, eagles were used as symbols of spirit not just because they are graceful, but because they are predatory and ferocious - meaning that there is an innate tendency to destroy matter, to kill what crawls on earth, to want to detach from it. Matter is not their territory, it baffles them. When they engage with matter, the impersonal heights are suddenly made intimate and personal. Detachment suddenly becomes attachment. This soul-spirit union, personified by Guts and Griffith’s relationship, where they both invade one another’s psyche, can either result in something beautifully sublime or something utterly disastrous. If Guts only realized that he already was Griffith’s equal, and if only Griffith realized that Guts never truly abandoned him, these two characters would have redeemed one another’s weaknesses. It was Guts who misunderstood it first, or at least first acted it out. Remember how in the legend the mythical characters were supposed to meet midway: one was supposed to climb up and the other to come down. There’s a saying in alchemical philosophy - which, by the way, is philosophically identical to these myths: earthly must be made spiritual, and spiritual must be made earthly, and only then the union can be successful. Curiously, Ladyhawke somehow also ended up using this theme, probably accidentally. So, there’s definitely something going on here. After Guts overhears Griffith’s conversation with Charlotte about what being an equal means to him, Guts starts to think too low of himself, not being worthy of Griffith, not worthy of these sudden spiritual heights. After defeating Griffith in a duel and walking away from him, Guts says how he thinks Griffith is above all this, how this abandonment shouldn’t bother him because it’s just one of the many pebbles on the road.

You’re a soaring spirit, so what the fuck are you doing with a petty soul like me? This scene is not just Guts abandoning Griffith. It’s the soul - stripped of confidence before a soaring spirit - abandoning it because it thinks it cannot catch up to it - although, in a way, it already did. That’s the tragedy. The soul wants so desperately to bond with the spirit, but it thinks it can’t. Guts thinks he will never be Griffith’s equal, at least not in his current condition. And then he abandons him. As a reaction, Griffith, the spirit, loses all ties to the one thing that earthed him, that plunged him into the realm of the personal, and made his spirit more humane: Guts, the soul. It’s really the ultimate irony that Guts never abandoned Griffith, or the heights and the meaning that Griffith came to embody for him. He was bloody loyal to it all along. But Griffith doesn’t know this. All he knows is the sudden sensation that he is being left behind. From his perspective, the spirit just got ditched by the soul, and right before Eclipse, the soul (Guts) chose body (Casca) over spirit (Griffith). That’s what Griffith sees.  

Which brings us to Casca: the perfect tragic image of the body, of physicality. When she joins the Band of the Hawks, she abandons her womanhood in a way, she cuts off her hair, goes seemingly insensitive and brute. All these actions and traumas are representative of the terrors of having a body, and one’s responses to it, attempts to deny it because she was born a fragile woman in a cruel man’s world. On a positive side, it is Casca who saves Guts from his own physical trauma, who teaches him the ways of the body he long denied. It is Casca who provides a sense of belonging for a while, who gives him a taste of normal life. However, she only reaches a part of him. The other part responds to spirit only, to Griffith. For Guts, Casca was that fleeting semblance of a normal, earthly life that needs to be protected (I won’t go into whether this was out of genuine romantic love) and Griffith was that higher call, what set him aflame both intellectually and emotionally.

To me, the fact that Casca had to spend chapters and chapters in a mentally vegetative state, being reduced to a body without any substance, is absolutely genial. It’s kind of a sleeping beauty scenario in one of its atypical interpretations, where the protagonist - the principle of the body - sleeps throughout the whole story, while the soul (the prince) is out there fighting the dragons. The body is first to be destroyed, left behind when there’s a conflict of soul-spirit-body. It’s the first to take damage because it is the frailest of all three, because there’s an inherent tendency of spirit to hate the body as the body steals the soul from it. The soul can always dissociate from the body and exist in a somewhat detached state, where it can even bond with the spirit, but the body will always be dead and dormant without the soul. So, metaphysically, the concept of the body is perhaps the most tragic one. It always takes the blame for everything. Spirit is eternal, but the body is what limits the existence in space in time, and thus castrates the spirit.

Griffith’s rape of Casca could in a way be a reflection of this. In Griffith lingers a terrifying, dangerous interplay and clashing of body and spirit. He sold his body for his dream. He prioritizes ethereal over physical, the fate of the collective over fate of the individual. In his scenario, body entraps the infinite spirit in a finite, confined space, suffocating it. After sleeping with Charlotte, he personally experiences this in the dungeon where he was tortured and disfigured, by which his spirit was reduced to a rotting body. His disfiguration is the triumph of the material over spirit in him. Suddenly, he’s no longer a soaring hawk and his wings are cut off. It’s an outright spiritual fall for him, and he takes it terribly. In Greek mythology, mortal encounter with the divine is often represented as rape, madness or dismemberment (gosh, I fucking love Greeks for this) because it shatters the psyche. It terrorizes it. For Griffith, this mythical transition, the descent from ethereal to earthly was disastrous to his state of mind. When Griffith rapes Casca, it’s not just a revenge against Guts - it’s spirit raping the body, getting back at it, while the soul watches and suffers. Just previously in the dungeon, it was body that violated spirit in his case. It’s as if the rape of Casca parallels Griffith’s very own disfiguration, which is also a violation of sorts. By raping Casca, Griffith is essentially saying something like: I no longer need you, now I’m above you.   Because he is so traumatized of terrors of losing Guts - meaning, losing soul - and as a consequence, being “reduced” to something earthly and trivial and ordinary (without Guts, nothing makes sense to him anymore), he needs to be free of it. Of both body and soul. He needs to be freed from his attachment to Guts and freed from this earthliness. When he becomes Femto, he’s finally pure of spirit, a god. Man, I hope it bites him in the ass. He needs to be brought down from his godly heights, and forced to experience the terrors of emotions he cut off. The revenge has to be full psychological. 

[maybeeatspaghetti]

Hi! This may be a bit rude but I swear I'm just very curious. I've seen quite a lot of people saying that your Whizzvin fics (the dirty ones) fetishize gay couples? I'm confused about it, to be honest. Do you have anything to say or defend about this?

I got a very rude ask about this about this a month ago, which I answered then, and I’ve pasted the important parts of my previous response below the cut.

Since people seem to have a continuing issue with my writing stories of this nature, let me please direct you to the legacy of Dirk Vanden, a pioneering pulp erotica author called “the godfather of gay erotic fiction.” In queer literary theory, he is held in high regard, as he insisted on including graphic sex scenes in his novels because it was so rare to see gay sex of any kind depicted in works of fiction at the time (1960s and 1970s). It spawned, then and now, open discussions about sex and sexuality, freely disregarding the unspoken rule that sex in literature was reserved for heterosexual couples (and even then, it was really only hinted at, and not usually explicit). He changed queer literary theory in a way that embraced raw, sexually explicit literature as a way to build up queer identities.

Dirk Vanden wrote explicit gay sex scenes in a time that was not very accepting, consequences be damned, and thus changed the very landscape of what gay fiction was allowed or supposed to be. Those of us who write gay erotica (fanfiction or otherwise) now do so in the shadow of authors like Dirk Vanden and many other gay erotica authors of the 60s and 70s, who wouldn’t settle for being told gay sexuality was not decent enough to be written about.

So when you have an issue with me writing sexually explicit stories about fictional characters, you also then have an issue with the authors who recaptured gay identity and gay sexuality in literature as more than just campy or tragic. Back then, there was no in between. Gay characters were the butt of every joke or they were tragic, doomed to die in the end. Gay erotica novels—also called “stroke books” because, well... I think it’s clear—took themselves seriously because literature had no place for gay sexuality. For a long time, these novels were bought and sold in secret, and printers would churn out books and then quickly dismantle themselves to evade the authorities, since the sale or distribution of adult materials was illegal until 1973. The world looked at gay sex shamefully; the one place it was joyful, and not shameful, was within the pages of those books.

So, really, it just boils down to: if you’re going to say that writing explicit sexual stories is inherently negative, you’re trampling on the legacy of the people who wrote explicit gay sex scenes as a positive expression and affirmation of gay sexuality, and you’re also ignoring gay erotica’s revered place in queer theory. By regarding it at shameful or inappropriate or unacceptable now, and going after authors who write erotica (smut, slash, whatever you want to call it), you’re undoing all the strides authors like Dirk Vanden managed to take to make writing gay erotica permissible. We may as well be back in the 1960s. 

Please take some time to learn about the history of queer literature before attacking authors for engaging in a type of writing that was pioneered as a way to lift up and celebrate gay sexuality. Please. Come on. If we don’t know what came before, how are we supposed to continue moving forward?

What I posted a month ago: 

*Trigger warning for mentions of rape*

As I’ve spoken about before—if you haven’t had the chance to look through my blog—I am asexual. The way I explore the boundaries of my sexuality are through writing, and it’s also none of your business, but since you feel entitled enough to judge and throw accusations without knowing me, I’ll elaborate.

Do you have any idea how terrifying sex is for me? How upsetting it is? Knowing I don’t want to have it but desperately wanting to be a part of it somehow, and then, furthermore, feeling alienated from both the LGBT community and the rest of society because 1) asexuals are not considered queer enough for the LGBT community and 2) our entire society revolves around sex and people just don’t get how I can possibly have zero sexual urges. People look at me and say I can be “cured” if I just have enough sex or have sex with the right person.

Writing stories about sex allows me to explore sex in a safe way, without having to be involved with the actual, physical side. I like to explore the deep emotional connection sex builds between two people because sex is often the most intimate thing two people can do together. Fetishization is the reduction of people to objects—dehumanization—and writing characters in a demeaning or degrading way. I hope I never do that in my stories. I want my stories to be representations of positive sexual encounters—emotionally, mentally, and physically—because a lot of what we see in the media (and in porn) is not always positive or healthy. And, furthermore, because my sex education was so bad (as is many, if not most, people’s) I also try to write my stories from a position of realism, so that if anyone takes anything away from my stories, it’s healthy sexual practices—the importance of consent, the use of lube, etc.

I’d also like to add that when I was a child, I was targeted and groomed by a pedophile, and my friend was groomed and eventually raped multiple times by the same man. Pedophiles sexualize and fetishize children; I think I know a thing or two about what fetishization is and how harmful it is when real people are fetishized. That, in addition to being asexual (and people like to fetishize asexuals in rape-to-cure scenarios)—it’s no wonder I have a complicated, tempestuous relationship with sex. Writing sexual stories about two consenting fictional adults as a way to explore my own sexuality and heal myself is, in my opinion, nobody else’s business but mine (and hardly comparable to the very real fetishization and trauma I have experienced in my life). And I share my stories online because it’s cathartic.

I’m sorry you feel the need to judge and police the way I think about and approach sex, and the way I express and explore my sexuality in a way that is safe for me to do so.

[snailymailybaby]

My Take on Snail Mail Etiquette

As anyone who follows this blog has picked up on, I am a very uninvolved blogger who infrequently makes large aesthetic queues and posts their own mail art before logging off and reappearing whenever I have more mail to post. I am going to borrow from the blogging style of my other blog and go ahead and write a bit of a thought piece. The inspiration from this is the most recent in a string of unfortunate experiences while penpaling but it’s not a unique situation or the only one I’m pulling from.

Penpaling Etiquette Penpaling is an extremely old practice and as such there is a certain decorum I believe many people associate with it. Of course, as it’s a practice that’s endured despite changes in technology that means it’s also a practice that’s adapted. Our use of Tumblr to find penpals is a great example of positive adaptations to an antiquated art. Where change can exist simultaneously with stagnation in any practice that naturally creates divisions among the practitioners. I, for one, consider myself to be part of what I consider the Old School way of penpaling and my thoughts on etiquette will be reflective to that style of penships. Though I think much of the etiquette I believe in is universal to all types of penpalers. 

Seeking Out Penships Penpaling is undeniably an intimate thing by the nature of it being centered around building a relationship with another person. Even with all the art on our envelopes, on our letters, or even sent with our letters; at the end of day we’re seeking out a connection with the person we’re writing to.  Keeping that in mind, there is a right way to seek out penships and there is a wrong way. For me, the right way is to approach the person you’re seeking to write the way you’d look to make a friend back in grade school: introduce yourself, include a little info about yourself, and politely ask if the person is accepting new penpals. I always feel that can be done in any order, but for me a red flag has always been people who without divulging anything about them or inquiring anything about me ask to be my penpal. Or worse yet, tell me they want to be my penpal. I read a certain entitlement into people who do not ask.  I’ll admit sometimes I’m imperfect in my responses to people looking, I’ll forget to give them my spiel because I’ve assumed they’ve read it somewhere and that’s why they’ve contacted me. People are imperfect and as the person seeking out new penpals or accepting new penpals it’s important to give as much grace as possible. So long as people are communicating with sincere interest little flaws in forgetting usual etiquette can and should be forgiven. Age Appropriate Penships In any practice that is welcoming to all ages it’s important to set up and maintain appropriate age boundaries. This is simple in penpaling, do not write to anyone under the age of 18 if you are a legal adult. If you are a minor, do not seek out or accept penpals over the age of 18. Minor to legal adult correspondence has an extreme imbalance in the power dynamic. Often adults who will seek out minors to write to are doing so because they’re seeking to manipulate the minor. Minors who are accepting of adult penpals are unwittingly engaging in penships that can have undue influence on them .  Even within the 18+ sticking to themselves age rule there can be age gaps between penpals that aren’t in the best interest of the younger party. An 18 year old writing to a 40 year old could be subjected to the same predatory penship as a 13 year old trying to write a 20 year old. There’s also a non-predatory reason why age gaps for adult penships don’t work. Quite simply, a 20 year old and a 25 year old are often at drastically different points in their life and that can make it hard to find common ground.  With the 17 and below age rule, again it’s imperfect and there can still be inappropriate age gaps. A 12 year old and a 17 year old shouldn’t be writing to one another for the same reasons that them hanging out in person or even dating would be problematic.  A good rule of thumb for minors: Keep it within a 2 year age gap.  A good rule of thumb for adults 18-22: Keep it within a 3 year age gap. A good rule of thumb for adults 23-30: Keep it within a 5 year age gap.  For adults these are what I’ve discovered to be “easy” to connect over age gaps, but obviously it’s up to the individual’s discretion as to what is a compatible.  Disclosing Mental Health I mention this only because I’ve come across it, so what’s the “right move” in disclosing mental health struggles you may have?  If it’s something that changes the way you socialize or requires you take extra precautions in who you socialize with/how you socialize (i.e. needing to share triggers) then it’s certainly worth including in your bio when reaching out to penpals.  Otherwise, just be wary of oversharing. If you have something you’d like to be upfront with because you feel it’s a deeply ingrained part of what makes you “you” it’s definitely fine to share that! Just remember that while the goal of penships is relationship building, from the start people are still strangers. Sharing the traumatic depths of your struggles extremely early in a penship can be overwhelming for your penpal. It also can cross into territory of unintentional emotional manipulation and cause a penpal who otherwise finds themselves incompatible to feel compelled to keep writing you because they fear for your well-being.  Remember, mental health is personal! That’s doesn’t mean you can’t talk about it (I talk to plenty of penpals about mental health!) but just remember it’s not something strangers have earned the right to know about you!  Respecting Boundaries When establishing a penship it’s important to create and respect boundaries. Some such boundaries that people have revolve around who they are comfortable writing too. Personally, I do not write to men.It’s a preference built off bad experiences with a few people who aren’t reflective of the whole--- but to look out for me I choose not write men. Should you seek out a penship and learn you fall into some demographic the person chooses not to write to, simply accept that respectfully and move on. In my situation, I have had people argue with me about my choice not to write them because they’re men. This will not endear the person to you and cause them to change their mind. People have reasons for restricting who them write to.  Aside from who people are willing to write to, another common boundary is in regards to communication outside of letters. Personally, as someone who belongs to the Old School style of penpaling I do not want to receive messages on social media outside of initial agreements to write one another. For me and others like me, much of the allure of penpaling comes from distance from my “real life”. Communicating solely through letters gives me material for my letters (I am a diary-style writer) and frankly gives me the space to connect with person’s true personality versus being biased by a social media presence. Be clear with the people you’re seeking a penship with whether or not you’re open to developing a friendship over social media as well or if you prefer not to.  Again, personally I prefer only receiving initial informational exchanges, updates on addresses, check-ins if it’s been a while since one of us has sent mail, or an occasional birthday/holiday message. For extremely longtime penpals I make exceptions.  Social media is another boundary. Unless someone invites you to add them on social media, please do not do this. Yes, you have the name of the person off their address and can technically “easily” discover their social media but that person is trusting in you to respect their privacy. If you want to share your social media that’s wonderful! Just recognize that your penpal may not want to and will not want their privacy invaded.  Patience Above all in penpaling you need to be patient.Postal services aren’t perfect whether it’s sending mail on the national or international level. Generally they’re reliable and predictable, but sometimes things go awry. Personally, nothing bothers me more than someone who sends daily or near daily messages inquiring after the arrival of their letter. While it generally can take 3-5 days for mail to travel in the US (where I am) this isn’t exact.  If you’re concerned your penpal hasn’t gotten your mail, it’s appropriate to ask them if it’s arrived and if it has not then ask that they update you when it has (assuming you’re concerned it’s lost). Do not message daily or multiple times in a week. If your penpal doesn’t get back to you within 2 weeks of your initial message, it’s fair game to message them once more in order to determine the likelihood the mail has been lost. Often people forget to update one another in the Old School community of penpals--- just by nature of being a little bit of penpaling Luddites. Another reason patience is absolutely necessary in this practice has to do with the rate of letter writing. Penpaling can be a time intensive process that take creative and emotional currency to partake in. As a result, many people do not write a response immediately upon receiving mail. Life and stress often get in the way of penaling. Or even when we have ample time, for those of us who are diary-style writers sometimes we feel there’s not enough going on with us to warrant writing a letter. If you feel you really cannot wait indefinitely for mail then that’s something that needs to be disclosed when you begin penships. There are people who can commit to consistent writing schedules and those that cannot.  Ultimately with penpaling, just remember that there’s another person who is sending and receiving mail. It’s not you and a robot. It’s living, breathing person who should be treated with the respect that they deserve.

[deliciousscaloppine]

I came across this post, so I thought to make some comments - posted this way for the sake of brevity because it’s a very very long post with the following discourse as it came to me. 

The following screenshot is just a tiny segment, but I am sure a lot of you have faced this problem, or a similar one, where people might select your more “safe” works and i don’t mean works without sex, and reject pieces you might consider very well done, or more indicative of writing skill.

So in the following, I will endeavour to expose some of the psychology of reading + some basic principles you should keep in mind when writing. These are not rules, or recipes, or restrictions, but more of things to take in mind when preparing a text for circulation.

 You should already know by the wording of this post, that most people in boards, committees, institutions, publishing houses, professional writer agencies etc, evaluate you as a reader and not as a writer. 

That is why you often hear that as a writer, you should read a lot. Not just to hone your craft and be aware of where you belong in writing history, which is very useful in finding where to send your writing, but also because most people who choose things to be published only experience them through reading and not through the effort and technical skill that it takes to produce them.

So as a rule for very small contests, journals etc  reading your material, you must not employ stylistic particularities that might make your work unreadable to inexperienced readers. That is a major fuck you to poets, because I can’t see how you can construct a powerful poem without extensive linguistic nuance, or at the very least, word play that creates emotional resonances.

More bad news on this, is that a very strong emotional response can be deemed by the reader as an act of manipulation on the writer’s part. Or they might have the reader DOUBT their judgement. “Basically I felt things, I am compromised, and I cannot make rational decisions. And since being on a board is all about advancing your career and or safeguarding your prospects, judging things based on feeling is seen as disagreeable for these kinds of people.

Even worse, a very powerful text that does not know how to release tension, might make a reader feel vulnerable. And vulnerable readers might even become hostile to sharing your work with others because of how it affected them and for fear that it might reveal something of them to others, or more importantly because it might not be received well by these others and so upset a certain social order within a group. 

This is why politically sensitive issues get the short end of the stick when it comes to publishing, and why even though there might be a demand for content that deviates from mainstream stuff, there is no cohesive audience to support actual authorial diversity. 

You must also know that people who are visually impaired, or are fatigued, or have dyslexia or ADHD might be on this board or anywhere where they assess writing, so when they read a lot of things, their ability to engage with them in depth is GRADUALLY MINIMIZED. 

But that is not a bad thing, because you should be a conscientious writer, you should write in a way that is accessible by most people. That is the better writing on many levels, and you should develop this skill because it will also help you with editing your works with more ease.

So in summation the general audience also evaluates you as a reader. Only the reading experience matters to them, and you should strive to make it as seamless..and as “painless” as possible.

THE BASIC PRINCIPLES 

Writing something and managing the reader’s experience are two different things. Figure out what you want to write and then analyze what kind of language, voices and structure you need to develop in order to convey the general meaning of your work, but also how to relay it in a tone that will not agitate needlessly the reader.

This is a lot of work, especially for poems and short stories and it may be omitted if you are feeling inspired. But for anything longer than 10K doing this groundwork will save you a lot of trouble later. It will make your writing succinct and to the point.

Reading takes a lot of time, the reader does not want to feel cheated; basically that they spent time with you that it could have been better spent elsewhere. 

To avoid this, it is YOU who must set the expectations of the reader and then fulfill them In Your Own Terms. You are driving the story, you are controlling to what the reader is exposed or not, for how long and to what end, so do not omit units of meaning that you might think are self-evident, and of course don’t just dump them in the work, pace them and pace the reader along with them. Be very sensitive and masterful when dealing with difficult issues, shed light on them, rather than just use them for sensationalism because that can and will turn the reader against you.

In a very rich thematic work, the reader will generate meaning for themselves that you might have not foreseen or intended, but THAT IS AN ADDED BONUS to your work, and not what will happen naturally in the reader’s mind. So intent and purpose are of the essence. 

No one is asking you to write a cozy little “moral of the story”, and of course your purpose should not be limiting in the perspectives you explore through your work, or the amount and depth of issues you want to address. 

A clear purpose, however, is the solid scaffolding with which you build your story. It’s a place for you to stand and oversee and manage all the other elements. 

In order to create meaning you have to develop one or more themes and for this you have to create certainties to the reader by use of repetition. Repetition means a single event that is treated differently by two or more sets of characters - or voices when it comes to poetry. It also means two characters who are alike but face different circumstances, or a single character who comes across the same events and people in their journey, or even a character that comes across a wide and nuanced world, but behaves the same from start to finish. Basically anchors, starting points, predictable systems by which the reader will learn to evaluate everything that happens in the world of the story.

Of course repetition should be subverted, that is what generates meaning in the end. For the subversion to be meaningful the voices or the characters of your work must be thoroughly explained, and for this you must not resist definition. Explain the circumstance of the character through a backstory, through dialogue, through their interaction with the world of your work and other characters, and in this also define who the reader is and who you as the narrator of the story are.  

You should always define clearly who you are and whom you are addressing. The more nuanced the definition, the more succinct and universal the work becomes, and if there should be political reasons for your work to be rejected, this definition is also your first line of defense, a way to fight for this work so that it will gain readership and recognition. 

This type of honesty and directness is what in the end manages to earn the reader and their emotional responses by degrees and in their own time. So you are not cheating, or manipulating anyone, you are giving them the necessary space to enter the reality of the work and the natural time to be affected by it. 

The reader needs and seeks that sense of intimacy and privateness in which they can unfold the parts of them that connect with your story or poem. 

There are readers who need everything and everyone to be relatable to them, and they are not very good readers, but you will earn them by catering to them often. 

BUT more importantly there are readers who just love being exposed to new things, concepts and voices, and by defining your story on as many levels as you can you will for sure have them at your side because they will want to discover as much of you and your work as they possibly can. 

DEALING WITH REJECTION

Now if you do get rejected A) Don’t feel bad. 

Most people in boards, or any other institution that judges writing might have some knowledge of literary history, and theoretical analysis, but they have jack shit knowledge of how to write. This is a marketable skill. People who have it get paid to exercise it in multiple fields, they don’t need to be on boards. 

So from the view of the people who rejected you, you are already doing better than them because you sat down, wrote something, and deemed it good enough to circulate. If only they had your confidence and work ethic. 

However, for a writer to reach their full potential and to generate their best writing, AN AUDIENCE is VITAL. And whatever board is between you and that audience, it is a group of people hostile not only to you, but the craft of writing in general - so you have 0 things to gain from them, or very little, as much as they are willing to give you. 

Think on the fact that these people are not meeting any of the people who are sending things to them. They are not engaging them further than consuming and evaluating their “content”, and it’s only valuable to them as that: “content”, not an artistic experience and certainly not as a point of discussion. 

Real writing happens after a long string of revisions, usually prompted by discussions and exchanges with other writers, friends, relatives, anyone really who will be exposed to your writing and will want to “chip in”. Real art in general is communal and shaped by many people, so do not be afraid to reach out to people, any people and listen to their many and varied voices. Even you do not agree with them, or don’t want to take their directions, you will have gained intimate knowledge to how the reader’s mind works, for the things it searches when it enters your text, and that will make you a more perceptive writer in the future.

If you observe that these people are reluctant to offer you feedback understand and internalize that there is something technically wrong in your text that is making it inaccessible to them. They will not be able to explain this to you, and immature writers won’t immediately notice it, because your brain will automatically fill in the blanks of your writing, so you will have a better view to your story than the reader AND THAT IS A PROBLEM. A problem you fix by loads of work. 

You should always ask yourself if you are forgetting to give vital information to the reader, or if it’s too obscure for the reader to access, or if it is so focused on a particular type of reader and blocks everyone else - sometimes genres have structures that might be not comprehensible to readers who do not follow them. More universal works explain everything, they even explain why the sky is blue, and that makes them more accessible to everyone.

B) Do not be afraid you will be blacklisted if you challenge rejection.

You have already been blacklisted. When people start nitpicking it’s you they don’t like, and if they knew anything of writing they wouldn’t leave you in the dark, they would tell you what’s wrong and want you to do better if your problem is really a punctuation mark, a break line, or an odd sentence structure, and ask you to resubmit with unreserved enthusiasm after minimal revisions.

There is also some very intense hawking on minority writers currently, basically they will use you for bonus points, but not if your reality starts  contradicting their own, or does not fit the image they have of you. 

Often they might try to soothe animosities by creating workshops, or offering mentorship sessions from which you might get one or two things published. Do Not Fall For This. If you have an uncompromising voice and as a writer you probably do, It Leads Nowhere. You will have to pretend you are at a lower level to please these people, and if they have some particular knowledge they will not give it easily to you, more often than not they know nothing and are where they are through networking, if they discern any real talent in you they are already seeing you as a threat and that goes specifically for prolific writers, writers who churn things very easily and with some polishing these things could be very marketable.

If you are noticing a pattern of rejections and you know it is an unfair rejection, send a letter, make a public plea for your case. A polite one, asking to learn under which criteria your work was judged, and if there are revisions you can make so that you may submit it again. 

When you begin challenging people you will discern a pattern a) they did not pay attention to your work, b) they really have no criteria other than vibes, so maybe it’s time for you to seek the other rejected writers. Social media is great for this, and it’s great for gaining an audience. Work it. Ask people who got rejected at a competition or a journal to publish their rejected works. Make a top ten, organize a forum online or in your tiny city. Print a zine. Be cheeky, invite the people who rejected you, tag them. Create some havoc, generate interest, find out who is funding or subsidizing these events and make complaints of unfair treatment. 

Your goal is to get an audience, to circulate your material, and hone your craft by the comments you receive so it will be marketable in the future. Do not  get stuck in acquiring some fickle frenemies on some board, or other institution.

For the pacifists among us:

If you want to submit again and you are not sure if they allow it, don’t even ask, change a few things and submit it anyway because a) they might not even realize b) people in these boards change with time and you can try again no one will notice. No one is observing you, we are too many and too overworked here to remember anything, take advantage of the collective amnesia. Submit it as many times as they take submissions, getting on people’s nerves is very effective. People are constantly wondering if they are the asshole in an interaction, take advantage of this too, affirm it to them that they are in fact the asshole without engaging in an argument with them.

[kashayatantra]

What is Tantra really?

"It is of utmost importance to really understand that consciousness is not unveiled by sudden orgasmic fits or any use of extreme energetic exercises, agitation, gesticulations, pseudo-shamanic dances, and other popular tidbits of "doing" in what is sold in the West under the name of Tantra - but, rather, by the slow and gentle emergence of Objectless Love, which calmly waits for us to stop pursuing the unattainable." (Daniel Odier) I have noticed many workshops out there in this day and age, offering Tantra as a package to open up to your deepest sexuality and bliss in one workshop. The focus is around performance and being a ''goddess'' or an empowered man that can bring your woman into full pleasure. It’s about accessing your ‘divine feminine’, or being the man that you were meant to be. ​ There is often a volunteer woman on the workshop demonstrating full sexual shaking ongoing dramatic body orgasms with deep bouts of pleasure, and groaning sounds of bliss. While that appears to be ideal and im not discrediting those that genuinely benefit from those workshops and are able to shift from those experiences, I am also very much aware that there are many that can be left traumatised by the illusions of the potential false promises of a climax that requires time and deep journeying in order to mature into, which often isn't possible in one workshop. The trauma happens because we see this happening to one person and our minds become fixated with the idea that there is something wrong with us if we are not experiencing the same, and so we jump from workshop to workshop with the focus of experiencing the same thing, whilst feeling deeply disheartened when we don’t. Firstly it should be mentioned that full body orgasms and love making is simply an ASPECT of practice on the path of Tantra, but it's NOT what Tantra is about. To progress with it, we need to understand what Tantra is, in order to understand how it can be of benefit to one’s life especially around sexual expansion. ​ Tantra a journey that inevitably brings your entire Being; body mind and soul into the present moment where you are able to receive and meet the truth of life. This truth is not based on some old trigger that lies dormant and energetically lodged in your body, filtered through your mind and projected into your reality as truth. It’s a meeting of your reality beyond the conditioned mind, free flowing and trusting in the moment for whatever arises without needing to negate it be it light or dark. ​ It’s the full individuation from an idea of who you are or how the world is, or how you should be in order to be accepted. This individuation materializes through fully dissolving however it is that you have previously been brainwashed or emotionally attached through parenting, society and ancestry. ​ It’s a deep connection to truth along with a love for what is. What really is, regardless of light or dark. It’s the full embrace and sublimation of shadow into light. It’s the deepest love and connection with source, the creator, existence and the cosmos, along with the full embodiment and presence in your body here on planet earth for all that it means to be human in this day and age. To embark on this journey is a lifelong process of ongoing unfolding and deepening. Each moment on the journey is the journey and not some focused promise on the horizon. ​ The more you allow the truth of life both light and dark to penetrate you, the more that which you are NOT, can dissolve, freeing up energy in your body and opening you up for deeper orgasmic pleasure but more importantly deeper states of acceptance and peace. ​ So now that we are a little clearer with this, please understand that the journey of healing a shut down base/root chakra (survival center,or center of embodiment) or a sacral chakra (sexual/tribal/creative center) takes awareness and understanding. This involves diving into/exploring directly that which frightens you in order to release and heal the illusions around it. ​ This might involve exploring themes such as: -What messages were you fed as a child around your sexuality. -The relationship between your mother ( the feminine) and your father (the masculine) and how this plays out in your reality. - How safe do you feel in the world? -How safe do you feel in your body as a man or a woman around your sexuality? - Have you experienced any trauma around your sexuality? -Do you feel a belonging to your tribe/ society? Any one of these questions take time and understanding to heal, and yet each of these themes can deeply impact your ability or inability to experience your sexuality… ​ What is Neo Tantra? ​ Neo-Tantra (as opposed to Classical Tantra) is a term used in the West to describe Tantra in the modern day.  While Classical Tantra’s aim is generally to utilize Life Force Energy to connect with higher levels of consciousness, Neo-Tantra is taught with a range of different ideals depending upon the teacher or school of thought. Neo-Tantric practices are designed to focus and utilize Life Force Energy to manifest intention, often related to spiritual growth.  The term Life Force Energy may be thought of as synonymous with the terms prana, qi, chi and orende, all of which come from other traditions. It is the energy that flows within and is responsible for giving life to the body and all of Creation. It is always there, whether or not we are aware of it. Many people interested in Neo-Tantra over-focus on the misguided reputation of Tantra as being “all about sex”. Sexual Energy is one powerful form of Life Force Energy. We all come from conception which is Life Force Energy manifested into the intention of creating human life.  Sexual Energy, like other forms of Creation Energy, is simply Life Force Energy manifested in a particular way. It is one (but not the only) form of Life Force Energy that Tantric practitioners draw upon to manifest intention and create transformation in their lives.  Life Force Energy can manifest in many non-sexual ways and Tantric exercises can be practiced by individuals outside of a sexual relationship. Of course, enhancing a person’s sex life can be one intention of Neo-Tantra and also can enhance a person’s growth in other ways.  Bringing awareness to sexuality allows us to engage with intention, rather than allowing our sexuality to control us.  In addition, sexual Neo-Tantric practices teach us to experience the subtle energies that exist within our sexual beingness so that we can enhance pleasure and direct those energies into transformation in our lives. These practices can increase orgasmic capacity and bring about deeper communication with a partner, resulting in higher levels of connection and an enhanced intimate relationship. Ultimately, whether you engage in Tantric/Neo-Tantric practices to enhance your sex life or to obtain spiritual or personal growth, you might find that you get both. My own training and exploration as a Tantrika and practitioner involves an immersion into a variety of traditional Tantric practices as a solo practitioner and in union with others in the Neo-Tantric traditions. These blends of experiences have become the foundation from which I offer my expertise. ​ What is Classical Tantra ​ The word “Tantra” is defined as “to weave, to expand, and to spread”.  According to some masters of the ancient practice of Tantra, it can be thought of as the “fabric” of life that has the potential to offer deep fulfillment only when all its threads are woven in alignment with the pattern outlined by the Universe. When we first come into this world, life automatically conforms to this pattern. As we evolve, our desires, fears, attachments and inaccurate perceptions of ourselves and others rip at the threads and consequently weaken our fabric.  Tantric practices work with the transformation of energy and to balance various polarities in order to strengthen our fabric and rework it so it can return to its original, authentic pattern. The powerful practices involved in yoga on a larger scale cultivate spiritual growth and wisdom. They merge beautifully in the Tantric tradition. Origins of Classical Tantra: The origins of Classical Tantra may go back as far as 20,000 years. Drawings and carvings that resemble symbols still used in Tantra today are found at that time. Tantra was actively taught in India and China more than 7,000 years ago. The exact history of Classical Tantra is not well documented, but here is one story about its origins.  Classical Tantra emerged in India during an important historical period.  At that time, the Aryans, a nomadic warrior culture, were fighting to conquer the indigenous people.  Although the Aryans thought of the indigenous people as inferior in other ways, the Aryan Rishis (sages), who posed questions about the origin and destiny of the Universe, were interested in the Spiritual practices of these people.  The two cultures influenced each other.  During this time of warfare, it is said that Shiva was born. While some tantric practices existed before his birth, it was Shiva that first gave humanity a systematic approach to spirituality. His teachings became known as the Tantra Shastras (Tantric Scriptures).  They included: Nigamas – Principals of Tantra Agamas – Practices of Tantra The Nigamas and Agamas became the foundation for Classical Tantra. After Shiva’s death, there were no more teachers of the same quality and Tantra fell into decline. Some of the teachings were then lost or altered because the writings became indecipherable or because the teachings were passed on only in secret.  This explains why the history of Classical Tantra can be difficult to trace and why some modern mysteries and misconceptions around Tantra persist today. Classical Tantra is still practiced in the East with great reverence and respect for the ancient traditions established thousands of years ago. "Tantra is not technique but prayer. Is not head oriented but a relaxation into the heart. It is a scientific approach! It is alchemy! It can transform your center's, it can transform the other's center's. It can create a rhythm and harmony between you and your beloved. That is the beauty of tantra. It is like bringing electricity into your house" Osho

[sakura-blossom28]

Modern Day Romance

Chapter 2

Here’s chapter 2! I love Gaara, he’s my favorite character so this was really fun to write! Sorry his history is a little long I tried to make it as close to what it really was with it being modern au! Let me know what you think!! Don’t own Naruto!

Ch 1 /

Dating had not come easily for Gaara.  He was always alone, aloof, and reserved in showing any emotions.  Well, that’s how he used to be.  His upbringing had been a real struggle for his family.  When his mother passed away during his birth, it put a real strain on the family.  Instead of coming together with his father and siblings, they slowly drifted apart.  Being shut out by his own family lead Gaara down a dark and violent path.  With no supervision and access to their family’s wealth from a famous fashion magazine, Gaara was able to fuel early addictions that his young body could not tolerate.  

Gambling had started his descent into his spiral out of control.  By the time he was ten Gaara had started placing bets on games and dice in back allies behind the liquor stores in town, but the thrill of winning wasn’t enough.  Eventually, he found his way to street fights.  He was good of course from constantly fighting for years, but one night he bit off more than he could chew.  The pain was unbearable, but that fight, in particular, had knocked Gaara’s brain around so much that something finally clicked.  He needed to stop all of this, drinking, drugs, fighting.  It all needed to stop.  

Only at the sight of his siblings surrounding him with tears in their eyes did it all come together for him.  All the times that he thought they didn’t care about him, didn’t he notice the concerned looks in their eyes?  When he came home late at night, wasn’t there always some food and pain medicine left at the kitchen table? Seeing his brother and sister in such a state over him made him realize that he had acted cruelly towards them.  They were scared of their own brother and he wanted to change that, but how?

He looked over to his father and did not see any emotions of caring in his eyes.  More embarrassment at the situation.  Maybe some relationships couldn’t change, but as long as Gaara could have his siblings that would be enough for him.  He had no desire to attempt to change his relationship with his father, but it might be easier to deal with him if Temari and Kankuro started to like Gaara more.

“You’ve done enough to sully the family name.  You will be sent away to learn how to behave like a proper human being.  No discussions, you’re leaving as soon as you’re discharged,” his father said in a stern voice.  They locked eyes to see who would drop first in a struggle for dominance.  Gaara was the first, but he only closed his eyes.  

“Yes.  I will agree to that,” Gaara said quietly while keeping his eyes closed.   His father turned to walk out of the room, but when he heard Gaara’s voice again he stopped dead in his tracks.  

“Thank you… Father,” Gaara had not addressed his father with any form of a name since he was about six.  Hearing those words shocked Gaara’s father to his core.  The room went totally silent with everyone else holding their breath.   Their father relaxed his shoulders and said, “Temari, find a suitable program… for your brother,” and he left without looking back at them.  That was the first time that Gaara had been acknowledged as part of the family by their father.  Yes, this was a change that Gaara needed…

X

Years later Gaara finished his rehabilitation with the help of his siblings.  They had found a wonderful program that focused on violent behaviors and also allowed Gaara to go to school and earn a high school degree.  It was a school located out in the desert and it helped Gaara connect to himself and others in the program.  He was able to write letters to his siblings and that’s how they repaired their broken relationships and learned to care for each other again.  Not only was the staff educated on how to help Gaara emotionally, but they also taught him better ways to channel his anger.  

After graduating Gaara returned home.  He had picked up the knack of gardening and especially enjoyed cacti.  It helped him remember everything he learned.  He also took up material arts which was offered at the school.  Gaara was not surprisingly good at his new hobby, but he also made his first friend.  On the first day of lessons, Gaara had knocked Lee, the teacher’s assistant, around a bit too much, he had so much frustration built up that he lost control.  Gaara was so distraught about the whole situation he visited Lee in the hospital.  He expected to be run out by the teacher, but when he walked in Guy and Lee all smiled at Gaara.  He was so confused, but it felt so nice to be smiled at that Gaara stayed and got to know Lee.  On their way out of the hospital, Guy had said something that Gaara would never forget.  

“If you hadn’t come and visited Lee to make sure he was okay I would have kicked you off the team and reported back to the school that you might be unable to change, but the fact that you did speaks volumes.  You have a willingness to be a good person.  Keep working on yourself, listen to your teachers and people will accept you.  I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, but it will be worth it in the end when you are surrounded by people who truly love you,” Gui patted him on the shoulder, flashed him a toothy grin and thumbs up and ran off down the block.  Gaara hadn’t had any form of affection in years and he craved more.

X

Being on a dating app was not Gaara’s idea of fun.  He barely kept up with his own personal social media accounts, except for his secret page about his small garden.  Temari and Kankuro had created the profile for him.  Kankuro was a photographer for their father’s magazine and Temari was a designer for the label as well.  Most of his pictures on the profile were taken by Kankuro.  He often posed for his brother because he enjoyed spending time with his family, even though they all started fighting as the session dragged on.  No one could take charge.  Their father had every attention to give the company to Gaara after he earned his degree, but Gaara knew that was not the life he wanted to live.

When he walked into his father’s office when he was eighteen, walking tall and had an air of confidence about him, his father was shocked at the man before him.  Gaara was calm and spoke from his heart about how he had no intention of taking over the company, but wanted to go to school to become a therapist to help people that were like him.  And that’s exactly what he did.  His father saw that there would be no changing his mind, and he didn’t have the strength to argue anyway with the shock still rattling his brain that Gaara was this new person.

So here Gaara was sitting in his apartment looking at different girls in his area.  Life was going well and Temari felt it was time he finally found a nice girl to pull the stick out of his butt.  Gaara had never had a serious girlfriend before.  Only casual flings, but they never heald his attention for very long.  They normally weren’t a fan of his uncaring facade.  Secretly, he was still worried about being rejected like he was with his family so many years ago.  Was he willing to trust someone with such intimate feelings to have them leave if they didn’t like what they saw in him?  He was only overthinking everything because of his job.  Sure he helped people with addiction, but they also had their own struggles with relationships.  He was just awful at taking his own advice.

He did feel this was better than meeting some girl at a bar.  He didn’t typically go out much, but Kankuro insisted some nights to be his wing-man.  It was enjoyable to watch his brother fail at picking up women.  Temari was also no help.  She only recommended women who were like her and those women happened to be a bit too intimidating for Gaara.  At least on these dating apps, he could talk to the women first before deciding if they were annoying or not.  

Gaara didn’t have a type, but he did seem to be attracted to women who smiled openly in their pictures.  As he was scrolling he got a notification from one of his dating-apps.  Sakura liked your picture!  Tap to match!  He hadn’t gotten a like in what felt like forever.  Probably another goth girl who would find him boring once they started talking.  With his look of mostly wearing black, Gaara attracted a certain type of woman.  He dressed professionally while at work but during his downtime, Temari gave him everything that was off the rack that she thought that he would like.  These girls thought he was a fashion guru, but he disappointed them time and again when he admitted that someone picked them out for him and he really didn’t care about labels.  They seemed to ghost him after that.

When he opened the app he was met with a bright smile and sea glass green eyes that were like his own, but these eyes were filled with happiness.  Gaara’s caught his breath when he looked at this girl Sakura.  She was nothing like the girls who liked him before.  Sakura was all sunshine and bright colors from her pink hair to her clothes.  She was a nurse and enjoyed sweets and being outside.  What surprised Gaara the most was what picture she had liked.  

It was the very last picture on his profile and the only picture of him smiling.  He was embarrassed when Temari insisted that she HAD to put in on.  It was a dinner party a few months ago that Temari had thrown to announce her engagement to her longtime boyfriend Shikamaru.  Lee had eaten something a little too spicy for his liking and was being his ridiculous self and Gaara just had to laugh at his misfortune.  The fact that this girl Sakura looked at his whole profile and liked his picture was thrilling to Gaara.  He had to talk to this girl, she seemed different if she liked a guy like him.

His hands started to type out a message before he realized what he was doing and pressed send to match with a Sakura Haruno...

Ch 3 

[curtisandlewis]

ML Relationship through the Perspective of a Fanfiction Writer

Listen to the Spotify playlist I made as an auditory companion

For their anniversary I would like to discuss from my perspective as a writer of fanfiction the many layers of ML’s relationship

Onions have layers as well as cake! I learned that from Jerry’s friend Eddie Murphy.

We all know how much the boys love cake…

Layer One Partnership

I wouldn’t be writing fanfiction about two guys who worked at a gas station. Their act is the reason we know about them and celebrate them today. What all of America saw was two men equally skilled at their art (though many were too stupid to realize), both in awe and each other’s biggest fan. What was not presented to the public was the communication it took to pull off their act. It took negotiation to set up a gag and trust as well as the sense to know when not to push when doing a stunt. Their natural rhythm made adlibs come off better than scripted material. They were so attuned to one another they could do the impossible.

Layer Two Friendship

Dean and Jerry most likely met in 1942 that’s four years of friendship before they ever were on stage together. They hung out, had more fun than anyone, and were emotionally supportive of the other. A subset of this aspect is when they act like boys. Wrestling each other to the ground, play fighting, playing football in the hall in nothing but your boxer shorts, and innocent kisses are all the actions of boys not yet taught the rules of manhood. In my writing I sometimes explore the idea of them having a romantic friendship. More than friends, less than lovers. Their relationship isn’t physical and neither has a sexual attraction but are deeply attracted to each other emotionally. This love can be (and Jerry often has!) compared to romantic love. They are affectionate sometimes in the form of kisses but that’s only to communicate their strong emotions for the other.

Layer Three Family

Some people are uncomfortable with them having a romantic friendship. What part of it was a LOVE STORY do you not understand? Often these people will say they loved each other like BROTHERS. In the past I have compared them to brothers but I meant only in the sense that they have a family-like bond. Brothers are protective in this “no one beats the shit out of my brother but me” kind of way. No real life brother relationship I know of is anything like Dean and Jerry. I do, however, get strong father/son vibes from them. Dean is protective, caring, gives Jerry discipline when he needs it, and loves him without condition. It’s important to note these are all things Jerry’s biological father didn’t provide.

Layer Four Marriage

Now we’re getting deep. When I talk about their marriage I don’t mean romantic love or a sexual relationship. I’m speaking strictly of their domesticity. Their act made it so they had to live on the road, sharing hotel rooms and a bed in the early days. As Jerry once said, LIVING AND LOVING TOGETHER. It’s canon that Dean moved in with Jerry more than once. They know what the other is like in a domestic situation. Jerry knows that Dean cuts corners when doing house work and can be a slob. Dean thinks Jerry should relax and not be so fussy. They learned to accept the other’s irritating quirks and create a harmonious environment where they can enjoy each other’s company. Dean and Jerry have to work together to (Jerry would love this analogy!) nurture their baby (their act). This requires...you guessed it! COMMUNICATION. When they communicate and I mean TALK, exchange words and make hard decisions, nothing can break them. In real life their little spats were like the arguments that married people have. In my fiction when they can no longer communicate what they want or need that’s the beginning of the end.

Layer Five Dom/sub

I’m not talking about in a sexual relationship or even within them practicing an alternative lifestyle. When Dean is dominant over Jerry it makes him feel owned. For Jerry to be owned is the highest form of love. He willingly submits to Dean’s loving authority and to serve him brings him great joy. The roles often switch back and forth depending on what the other needs. When Jerry is dominant over Dean it gives him a chance to breathe. For most of Dean’s life he had to appear dominant and in control because that’s what is expected of a man. Jerry is seen as the wife, the female half and naturally the more submissive. But when Jerry takes over the dominant role Dean can just be. He doesn’t have to worry about appearances. Sometimes a man just likes to be led.

Layer Six Romantic

This is when I write Dean and Jerry as lovers. Call them boyfriends, husbands, whatever you want. They are romantically attracted and deeply in love. If you would like a description look up any quote from Jerry about their relationship.

Layer Seven Supernatural

I’m not planning on doing any crossovers with the TV show if that’s what you were thinking. I’m speaking of all the things related to their connection that cannot be explained. They were mythological. In real life they spoke of a connection so deep they knew when the other was sick, in pain, or even angry at them before they were in the same room. I create stories that hint at this connection. They were fated to be together. No matter how stupid they act or how badly they fuck everything up a force beyond their control will always bring them back together.

Layer Eight Sexual

I have left this to be the final layer because it is the most deepest and intimate aspect of their relationship. When I write them having sex all of their aspects work together. Their professional partnership, especially the part where they must know the other’s limits, prepares them for a sexual relationship. As boys they can wrestle and play and as men these games can become something more meaningful than harmless fun. If you replace father with caretaker then that aspect also plays a key part. Making love is what married couples traditionally do. Dominance, submission, the switching between the two awakens their deepest desires and fulfills their deepest need. In Dean’s case it’s a need he didn’t know he had. When I write them practicing an alternative lifestyle I include pain and that sex doesn’t have to be gentle to be deeply romantic. Sex and physical touch on it’s own is how Dean can express his love for Jerry. Words fail him but his hands never do. I write that they can feel the love as if it was something tangible and passed to the other. As for the supernatural aspect, imagine how satisfying sex could be with your soul mate who knew when you would take your next breath and who knew your body as well as you did. This is why whenever I write Dean and Jerry having sex or experiencing sexual intimacy it is always more than that. It does not matter what they do or the lies they tell they are experiencing a deeply emotional act that can sometimes border on the spiritual.

I remember hearing the writer of a TV show talking about writing sex scenes. He used sex scenes as an opportunity to show who the characters were. That always stuck with me and as a writer I prefer examining their relationship and personalities through sex scenes. I mainly write them in a sexual relationship for this reason and also because it’s fun.

Below the cut is my personal experience with writing their sexual relationship, particularly penetrative sex. None of this will be included on the version posted to AO3

It is very important for me to know if and when my characters engage in certain acts, especially penetrative sex.

I am very protective of my Jerry character. Once upon a time, I wanted Dean to be his first everything. I think we all like the idea of Jerry being in control of his experiences with men and for those experiences to be really special. But when I would attempt to write Jerry as shy and innocent it felt like I was writing an original character that had the same name. Jerry’s experiences whether good or bad make him who he is. I can’t logically write that Jerry never acted on his attraction towards men in sixteen years because his soul mate was out there waiting for him. Also, Dean’s possessiveness would take over when he found out Jerry was untouched. He would think of him as “pure” and that never sat right with me.

Jerry kissed boys and men, was held by some and maybe even developed romantic feelings for one of them and Mr. Martin is just going to have to accept that.

Another thing Mr. Martin has to deal with is that Jerry very much enjoys penetrative sex and wants that in his sexual relationships. I write Dean as his first experience with homosexual intercourse because I want that experience to be special for him. If the idea weren’t so laughable I would have Dean sprinkle rose petals on their bed. Jerry isn’t losing his “virginity” he’s had sex before. Intercourse isn’t any different from any other sexual act. Any way men choose to have sex or get off with each other is valid, intimate, and as romantic as they feel.

However, intercourse is a riskier act than the others. The first time for any gender can be tricky and a lot can go wrong. I want Jerry to be with someone gentle and caring enough that he can receive the maximum amount of pleasure. I want this person to be someone he’s in love with and only gives him positive emotions during. Most importantly I want him never to regret this happened and when he thinks of it throughout the decades he feels good.

Quite recently, I’ve decided on a specific time when they do this. Drum roll please... Dean and Jerry share this special experience in 1947 when Jerry is twenty-one.

Why such a specific time? Because in 1948 Jerry goes to Hollywood and reunites with his oh so special friend Tony. When I first joined this fandom I thought Jerry met Tony in 1948 and in my fanfiction writer mind because of their strong sexual chemistry they instantly started a sexual relationship. They did EVERYTHING. Jerry didn’t have to worry about the rules that men were supposed to follow or if he was acting too feminine in bed or not feminine enough. There was no hesitation or holding back with Tony. He bottomed, he topped, dominant, submissive he explored every side of himself. To be with Tony he has to be a fully blossomed flower of a man and when the fifties hit he knows exactly what he wants sexually and completely accepts the desires he has for whichever gender he has a relationship with.

It’s beautiful isn’t it? Tony and Jerry definitely have their problems but when it comes to their sexual relationship I always write it as positive and satisfying for the both of them. When I started writing fanfiction for them it’s what I loved the most.

[oliveskylarks]

~lwj astrological birth chart analysis~

hi!!! i was thinking about lan zhan’s birthday, and i got a bit curious as to what his birth chart would look like. i did a lot of guessing and interpreting here- i know there’s no official canon year in our history that this all takes place, and that its reaaaaaally difficult to get outer/generational planets right that far back in time. i did my best. enjoy!!

Aquarius Sun

The Aquarius Sun is, above all else, an individual. They strive for their independence and freedom, in whatever form that may take. Ruled by Uranus, they value and look forward to drastic changes and seek to differ from others around them. They are skilled in dealing with facts, logic, and ideas. They have razor sharp intuition, and they usually learn to rely on it early in their lives. Because of this, the Aquarius tends to stick to their beliefs on what is right and what is wrong, and usually cannot be swayed from this, unless shown concrete evidence to the contrary. The combination of these traits create an engaged spirit that seeks to maintain an emotional distance from whatever, or whoever, they are dealing with. This emotional distance is key in defining the core essence of Aquarius- they use it to attempt to transcend the mundane, the drama, and those annoying emotions they can’t seem to get rid of. An Aquarius may face challenges that arise resulting from their detachment, and their struggles with emotion and working with others. This may make them come across as unemotional, rigid, or cold. However, they’re motivated to learn as much as they can with the world around them, and use their principles and intuition as a guide for exploring the universe. They deal in the abstract, and they are fundamentally unconventional, seeking to push boundaries and fight for the social causes they believe in. Keywords to Aquarius Sun: eccentric, independent, detached, curious, intuitive, self reliant

Scorpio Moon

Scorpio Moons are mysterious and intense. Ruled by both Pluto and Mars, they are passionate, and in search of the deeper truths behind something’s first appearance. This parallels themselves, and the truth of their emotions. Beneath all of the first impressions you get from them, there lies the truth of their inner world: sensitive to emotions around and within them, vulnerable (especially to dark mindsets), and the fear of expressing themselves and all these secrets that have been bubbling beneath the surface. All of these things they deal with makes them crave emotional purges- letting out all these powerful emotions, anger, jealousy, pain, love, compassion, in bursts because they just can’t handle keeping it to themselves anymore. They’re secretive, and it’s a defense mechanism. Keywords to Scorpio Venus: intense, sensual, moody, secretive

Capricorn Mercury

They are typically very cautious in what they say. Ruled by Saturn, they are detail oriented but they know what the big picture is. They’re good at organizing their thoughts and activities. They are conservative in what they say, and they are high focused and goal oriented. They do get irritated when too much information comes their way, because they aren’t given the time they need to process that information. Keywords to Capricorn Mercury: focused, intelligent, analytical

Capricorn Venus

People with Venus in Capricorn typically like to impress people with their intelligence and drive to succeed. Ruled by Saturn, love is very serious to them, and they might feel like they need to be at a stable, independent place in their lives to be able to settle down with someone. Behind their “cool” demeanor, they are warm and emotional people. They may be shy, but they show their feelings through their actions. They say what they mean, and how they appear to others is very important to them. To feel safe and secure, they often need to have a sense of financial security or wealth, so they may choose someone who is well off to be with. There is something soulful about someone with a Capricorn Venus, and it is even more intriguing because of their sense of privacy. Keywords for Capricorn Venus: quiet, ambitious, analytical

Leo Mars

They are extremely proud people. They tend to be quite competitive, and they do not accept compromise, or failure. They play the game of life by their own rules. They put their all into everything, including their ego, so they can get quite defensive when provoked or humiliated. Leo Mars people are naturally born leaders. They strive to succeed in any and every single thing they do. They are skilled performers, and deep inside themselves, they have a need to create. They act with their heart. However, their pride is their downfall, aided only by the high standards they set for themselves. They love being the center of attention, in more ways than one. They do take care of their partner’s needs; however, their attention is focused most on their own pleasure. They crave the excitement of a new relationship, and all the affection and love that comes along with it. They can get jealous easily, and they may “test” their partner’s loyalty. They become easily irritated with disloyalty or dishonesty. Keywords for Leo Mars: direct, dramatic, vivacious, proud

Sagittarius Jupiter

The Jupiter in Sagittarius placement creates a powerful urge to travel, to expand your knowledge and learn about other cultures. They typically can come across as detached, friendly, and non-judgemental in passing. They seek to expand wisdom, and to teach. Learning is their highest calling in life. This is a Sagittarius Jupiter’s greatest strength, but it can also cause them to come across as a know-it all, or rather aloof. Typically, not always, they may be active, and seek competition. 

Taurus Saturn

Those with their Saturn in Taurus seek tangible challenges and answers from their world. Saturn, as a generational planet, shows our limitations and challenges, and Taurus deals in the sensual, the tangible, and the desire for material pleasures. This can manifest as collection of things they deem beautiful, such as art, clothing, food, or just money. They can feel intimately tied to their physical world, and weaknesses can be found in hoarding goods valuable to them. Taurus brings this planet reliability, stability, and determination. 

Libra Uranus

Another generational placement, Libra channels Uranus’s desire for transcendence and enlightenment into art. They may be musically gifted, or particularly literate or artistic. Their deep imagination gives way for an incredibly sense for detail, and intuition. They tend to be restless, and dislike others intruding into their private lives. Uranus in Libra is uniquely prone to domestic troubles, such as the loss of their romantic partner. They can be unconventional, and are often characterized as anarchic. The balance and reasoning they bring to this planet brings changes to the traditional definitions of law, norms, and relationships.

Scorpio Neptune

Another generational placement, the Scorpio in Neptune individual is deeply emotionally spiritual. They can find physical intimacies and pleasures as spiritual connections, and seek explanation for the truths they seek about the universe in the esoteric, or the occult. They search beyond reason- they delve into the inner workings of the soul to define the world around them. They often find inner conflict in their selfish desires and fantasies, and their overwhelming tendency for self-sacrifice. 

Cancer Pluto

As Pluto represents hidden power and the deep psyche, Cancer gives meaning to this with emotional connection. Every emotion is incredibly intense, and a lot of inner conflict comes from their efforts to control their emotions. They are protective of those they love, and because of this, they seek to always be one step ahead of all their troubles in order to protect themselves and those they love. They find their purpose in their family and their relationships. They may also find themselves clinging to their childhood belief systems, even when this conflicts with what they find they desire in the present.

--

OKAY LETS CHAT. lets address the elephant in the room. yes, canonically, mdzs is not set in any time in our history. im just a hoe for astrology and i pieced together a relative year based on historical context given throughout canon, 423 AD. already a bit shakey on the timing of things, but also, because this is soooo far back, i did not factor in retrogrades for outer planets. technically speaking, since this is so far back in history, retrogrades become a bit insignificant when calculating for planets like jupiter, that switch signs every year and can retrograde several times a year. oh fuckin well.

BUT IS THIS NOT THE MOST LAN WANGJI THING YOUVE EVER SEEN??????

let’s dive right in, shall we?

We all know homeboy’s an aquarius sun, but like come on. “value and look forward to drastic changes and seek to differ from others around them” ???? “skilled in dealing with facts, logic, and ideas” ???? “emotional distance is key in defining the core essence of Aquarius- they use it to attempt to transcend the mundane, the drama, and those annoying emotions they can’t seem to get rid of. An Aquarius may face challenges that arise resulting from their detachment, and their struggles with emotion and working with others. This may make them come across as unemotional, rigid, or cold. however, they’re motivated to learn as much as they can with the world around them, and use their principles and intuition as a guide for exploring the universe” ???? fuck yeah my dude.

having a scorpio mood explains his unsettling demeanor that we experience through wwx’s 15 year old eyes. Not only is he quiet and rule abiding, but he’s ~mysterious~. he’s secretly brimming with enough feelings to make rambunctious wwx shit himself. not only that, but he’s emotionally constipated!!! we love to see it. WE ALSO LOVE TO SEE EVIDENCE OF THE EMOTIONAL INTENSITY THAT MAKES WWX WANT TO CRY EVERY TIME LWJ TELLS HIM HE LOVES HIM OKAY BYE

cap mercury- reserved, brief, to the point. all in character.

cap venus- warm and emotional behind a cool demanor???? If that aint him???? soulful, intentional, and a rich motherfucker. yes yes yes.

OKAY THE LEO MARS MAKES THE MOST SENSE. Everyone’s so suprised to see him tell wwx to shut up and get out so many times in the beginning of wwx’s stay at the cloud recesses. But leo mars really does give him quite the temper. He’s got a bit of an ego, even if he doesn’t show it all that often. he needs to be the best at everything he does- and he is. he’s truly hanguang-jun. also in novel canon, he a dom top. and we love him for it. he knows what he wants. he knows how to get it.

okay normally i don’t put much thought into outer/generational planets, but because this is a “historical” tale, i think it’s important to put his personality into context. of course, none of these planets have an incredibly direct hand into the personality, they more give context and the foundations of the personality given your generation. first off- the sagittarius jupiter is actually so true?? he shows up in the chaos, he gets into the thick of conflicts all over the place. of course he does, how else is he supposed to learn? even if he’s quiet and doesn’t show all the character development he goes through, it’s there. there’s a reason why after wwx comes back to life, that he doesn’t really go after him for demonic cultivation. it’s because lwj seeked out places that put him out of his comfort zone (finding wwx in the burial grounds after the sunshot campaign to see all the wens, following wwx after his massacre), that really taught him the lesson “what is right? what is wrong? what is black? what is white?” let me tell you, if he just stayed in the cloud recesses year round, he would not have arrived at that conclusion. and he sure as hell comes off as aloof. if you don’t think so, ask su she.

we don’t really get to see much of lwj’s domestic life in the thick of the plot, so it’s hard to say how accurate his saturn sign is. all i know is that he’s reliable and stable as hell.

doing research on the libra uranus placement cracked me the fuck up. musically gifted? check? your romantic partner dying and leaving you alone? check. unconventional relationships? check. that last one i really want to stress. being “cutsleeve” in that historical context is very unconventional. also, given the romantic relationship that has been modelled to him in his most formative years, a stable, healthy relationship with good communication is rather unconventional. for sure, he challenges laws, norms and relationships throughout the cultivation world.

the scorpio neptune i also found really fascinating. as painful as it is for us to admit, for a long time, lan zhan’s desires and love for wwx can be interpreted as a bit selfish. not inherently!!! just that it was unrequited, and especially since wwx screamed at him in a cave as he lay dying and lwj just told him over and over again that he loved him. (wanna stress!! love is not inherently selfish!!! context!!!) he also has an undeniable tendency to self sacrifice. all the fucking time. he just don’t stop. every opportunity that he can take to punish himself for not adhering to his childhood standards, he physically punishes himself. he blames himself for a shitton of things that’s happened to him. and this is a major conflict for his character development. i also find it interesting that the scorp neptune gives an interest in the esoteric/occult. given that this is a fantasy world where he gets to go kill monsters and demons, i find this very interesting.

cancer pluto. hoooooo booyyyyy. he sure as hell tries to control his emotions. from what we, the audience, can see, he seems to have a very intense emotional world. this is only proven further by his scorpio moon and neptune. his dedication to waiting for his deceased mother for a month after she passed, his continued attachment to his uncle despite lqr’s devout hatred of the love of his life, and his dedicated attachment to wwx, this seems pretty true to me. and if anyone tries to tell me he doesnt cling to his childhood belief systems despite their contrast to his current desires, idk what ill do. Ill have to reread and rewatch everything.

oh boy!!! this was actually so much fun. if i got anything wrong, lmk!! ill make edits!! bc i did this all within an hour in the middle of the night, completely dehydrated lol

thanks for reading this far!!!

[joeys-piano]

Answering an Ask from @feu-eau. I’m having to answer your thingy through a text post because I don’t want to hassle your ask because Tumblr will mess up a lot of formatting when I do.

Feu’s Ask: For the shippy ask; how about a classic? Soukoku

When did I start shipping them, if I did Probably, January 2019? I think I started watching Bungou Stray Dogs last year in January and around that time, I transitioned from Detroit: Become Human to the BSD fandom. Coincidentally, there was a Soukoku Fluff Event Week happening so my first content for the fandom was for this ship.

Now that I think about it, maybe I joined the fandom in February because the whole fluff thing would work for Valentines’ instead. I don’t really know. I’m honest when I tell y’all that I only shipped them because I saw a lot of other people ship them and because I didn’t really have any ships at the time, Soukoku became my first one for BSD. I’ve grown a lot in a year and I know things a little better now. I don’t actively ship Chuuya and Dazai together; but since those two are so abundant on Tumblr and Twitter and AO3, I find stuff for them regardless if I’m looking for them.

So the long answer is that I don’t actively look for this pairing, this pairing comes to me, and I just share with y’all some really cool arts, gifs, cosplays, AMVs, fanfic, and everything else that I enjoyed viewing.

My Thoughts Like I mentioned above, I’m not an active fan for this ship. However, I do enjoy some content. Since the pairing that I do like doesn’t get as much new content regularly, there have been weekends where I just go into the Soukoku tag on AO3 and just read any and all fics that catch my attention. I’ve found really good ones and found new writers that I want to support, I’ve found stories that aren't to my taste but I know I’m not the target audience, I’ve found fics that I admire a lot, I’ve found fics that make me question if I enjoy a certain tag or not, and miscellaneous from there.

Because of the nature of Soukoku and the appeal behind it, there’s always going to be new content for it and it’ll almost always be one of the first things you encounter from the BSD fandom if you’re an outsider and are looking in. It’s just there. There’s an abundance of it. It’s like any other fandom you find yourself in. There’s going to be a really big ship and there’s going to be an abundance of it. One benefit I get from Soukoku is that although I’m mildly interested in it, that abundance of material and the sheer variety of it helps to temporarily fill in a void that’s either hard or impossible for me to fill from my favorite pairing.

Sometimes I want to consume a piece of fan content for my favorite pairing, but it’s not there. One of the benefits of a large ship is that undoubtedly, it’s there. Or otherwise, it’s going to be there. So whenever I’m twiddling my thumbs and waiting for new content for Odazai or other smaller ships and rarepairs that I do enjoy, I temporarily fill in the void with Soukoku. It’s like -- and pardon the example -- Soukoku is a bag of chips or complementary peanuts or buns that you snack on until you get what what you’re waiting for. Satisfies for a while until you can sink your teeth into what you really want. That’s how I interact with Soukoku.

What Makes Me Happy About Them I don’t know. I do enjoy that there’s history between them and that they could read each other like an open book. Chuuya and Dazai are familiar with each other, they’ve worked together, and are probably intimately aware of each other’s strengths and flaws. To some extent.

I do enjoy some of the rare easy-going moments that we get from both of them, where there’s some reminiscent vibe going on even if it’s in a teasing manner to rile a certain someone. For the most part, I’m not sure what makes me happy about them.

What Makes Me Sad About Them Again, I don’t really know. I guess if I had to give an answer, what disheartens me a bit is how we lost a potential of what could’ve been. Not sure how to explain that and not meaning it in a romantic light, but the way Dazai left the Mafia and severed ties with almost everyone there, I feel like there may’ve been a shift or even an apology between him and Chuuya that’s now lost. To say that they could’ve been friends is stretching it, but I feel that there may’ve been a development behind the scenes that could’ve manifested as something akin to friendship. Not exactly friendship, but something along a similar vein since they joined the Mafia for identically different reasons and they’re more alike than you’d initially notice.

Character composition-wise, that similarity is really hard to see. But I spent some time thinking about it for the past 7 months and I think if I were to peel every layer of their beings like an onion, I know I will find a similarity that connects them very deeply to one another and it’s very, very loosely referenced or seen in the Fifteen arc before the thread gets lost from there. Again, I don’t think it’s romantic. But it’s something and that something could’ve been realized if Dazai didn’t leave the Mafia. But considering what happened at the end of Dark Era, Dazai saw it as his best option to leave and so he did.

Things Done in Fanfic That Annoys Me Chuuya is often written in a really strange way. He’s hotheaded and acts before he thinks, but that doesn’t mean he’s stupid or clueless. He would’ve been dead a long time ago if he was either or Hell forbid, both. With an ability like For the Tainted Sorrow, you know Chuuya’s mind is whizzing around, calculating trajectory and physics, so he knows how much power to put behind his attacks to get what he wants to achieve. When your ability is a force of nature, you wield it differently and you strategize your offense and defense differently. There’s a lot of thinking going on, and I really don’t buy it when Chuuya’s made out to be dumb.

Things I Do Look For in Fanfic General pacing, how does the story flow, how does the writer approach the topic or endgame of their fic, does characterization feel believable, does the story engage my imagination, etc… I like reading how writers approach emotional intimacy between Chuuya and Dazai and how they approach the unresolved tension between them.

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: Odazai all the way, baby. For Chuuya, I’d be comfortable if he ended up with Yosano, Kunikida, or even Akutgawa.

My happily ever after for them: Chuuya waking up after using Corruption and realizing that Dazai did take care of him when he was out cold. He wakes up in a familiar bed somewhere in a hospital or an infirmary. His clothes are folded neatly on a chair and the patient gown he’s wearing is soft and doesn’t itch his skin. Chuuya’s sore. He’s always sore after using Corruption, but he can feel that this sore will remain for a long time after he leaves and rehabilitates so he can be back on the field. His mouth is unbearably dry. Before Chuuya could stir, someone is already pouring him a cup of water and is helping him sit up so he can drink. It’s Dazai and he tips the cup slowly so that Chuuya can drink at his own pace.

Dazai isn’t known for his bedside manner. If anything, he’s known for his complete disregard of it. But seeing him here, Chuuya’s a little thankful for it. He doesn’t ask why Dazai’s here. The man’s not going to give him a straight answer anyway. When Chuuay lies down to rest some more, he’s aware that Dazai will be here for a while. Since he’s quiet, Chuuya doesn’t mind.

who is the big spoon/little spoon: Dazai is the little-tall spoon who’s aversed to touch but sometimes, he can tolerate being hugged by Chuuya for a little while. Chuuya is the big-short spoon that gives Dazai a little hug to remind him that he’s human and that he’s here.

what is their favorite non-sexual activity: Listening to the strum of a guitar while Chuuya hums a song he caught on the radio and Dazai’s leaning against him, feeling the music slowly permeate through his skin and gives him something to hang onto during those slow moments caught between them.

[thepermanentrainpress]

THE IMPOSSIBLE STAIRCASE – A CONVERSATION WITH ANDREW JUDAH

Andrew Judah is based in Kelowna—but don’t call them a Kelowna band.

“It’s impossible not to be influenced by your environment in some way, but I’m not writing about the Okanagan and the sound is not based on anything to do with the Okanagan,” their frontman (and namesake) told us over coffee earlier this month.

“Yeah, it might be shaped by the people you spend time with… less by the lake,” bassist Caleb McAlpine chimed in beside him.

Fair enough, some of the band members themselves having grown up or spent extended periods of time in other cities. Andrew Judah was a solo project first; his debut album, The Preacher’s Basement, came out in 2011.

Judah still writes the material and handles most of the instrumentation on studio recordings, but the group of like-minded musicians has been a boost to his live shows and creative process. McAlpine even co-produced the new record with Judah – or, in the latter’s words, “pulled me back from the ledge when I was having doubts about something, or about to delete everything.”

Impossible Staircase, set for release on April 20th, pulls back from the synth-y melodies of Judah’s last album. It was written about a close friend’s battle with addiction, and ties into an overarching concept of being trapped in a feedback loop.

There is piano, guitars, and drums, but also hints of the less conventional—violin, autoharp, trombone. The recently released single “Burn it Down” is eerily cinematic; Judah’s lyrics are a mix of metaphor and literal, his vocals poised amidst the pulsing rhythm.

Impossible Staircase by Andrew Judah

One of the few instruments Judah didn’t play on every track himself was the drums. Most of the percussion was recorded by Zac Gauthier – who was featured on Judah’s last album, Metanoia, as well – in a cabin near Salmon Arm.

“There are some pretty explosive moments [on the record] that only he could pull off,” said McAlpine. “He is amazing,” Judah agreed.

Chloe Davidson, who is a member of Kelowna bluegrass quartet Under the Rocks, handled violin duties.

Every song on Impossible Staircase flows into the next as if in – you guessed it – a never-ending cycle. Judah also incorporates Shepard tones—audio illusions which give the impression of a pitch rising, or falling, forever.

“It’s a loop, but it tricks your ears into thinking you’re hearing this very stressful, continuously descending sound,” Judah said of the technique. (Film score composer Hans Zimmer is a fan, if you needed another reason to appreciate its emotive power.)

Judah’s favourite song on the album changes day to day, but at the time of this interview he settled on “Lose My Mind,” which will be released as a single on Friday.

“It’s just a very sincere song about a very serious topic, and I managed to do it in a way that… I don’t hate?” He laughed. “It’s hard to write from an honest place about something that’s happening in your life, and not have it be cheesy. I’m pretty critical of things that feel cheesy.”

McAlpine went with “Penrose” – a seven-minute tune that has proven to be quite the challenge in rehearsals.

“There’s a repeating line that feels like it goes on for two minutes… there's no room to breathe. I'm going hard on a shaker, playing keys, singing, and I'm just not thinking. Almost every time without fail, I feel like I'm about to pass out.”

It’s something we don’t often consider—complex arrangements, pieced together between the walls of a studio, written with the headphone listener in mind and not the immediacy in having to recreate them. Rehearsals are the first opportunity the band members have to flesh out the songs for their live show.

Andrew Judah was set to embark on a BC tour this month, but postponed the dates due to COVID-19 concerns. Victoria was one city they were most looking forward to revisiting; they played a sold-out show at Vinyl Envy in October, and have also been on the bill for Psych & Soul – an annual music showcase put on by the record store.

“Really good community there,” said McAlpine. “We will never not go to Victoria to play shows.”

In light of the circumstances, they recorded a live set at Judah’s studio, Sounds Suspicious. It can be enjoyed with a glass of wine, and a friend, providing that friend is streaming the video from the confines of their own home.

The band is no stranger to larger crowds, having been a part of Skookum, Vancouver Fringe Festival, and Rifflandia in recent years. They were scheduled to play the (also postponed) AltiTunes Festival at Big White alongside Canadian rock darlings Arkells and Dear Rouge.

But there’s nothing quite like the charm of a room, and they lean towards intimate, self-made events at coffee shops and other less traditional venues when performing locally. It is time consuming, Judah acknowledged, but makes the end experience that much more worthwhile. “Everything is intentional, as opposed to playing in a bar where half the people might not even be listening.”

The most anticipated part of their set is also the most unpredictable: the group marches from the stage to the middle of the crowd, and play a song without the use of mics or amplification.

They’ve done it surrounded by hundreds under the cozy lights of Canoe Coffee Roasters, to a lone table of three in Port Alberni. It is a moment that lends itself to connection and vulnerability – and audiences have been receptive to that.

“It turns things from look at what we’re doing, to look at what we’re engaging in,” McAlpine said. “We go back on stage and it changes from that point on.”

The cover art for Impossible Staircase was drawn by Max Weiner, who also did the art for two of Judah’s previous records. Keeping with the cyclical theme, it shows an ouroboros – a snake eating its own tail – in the shape of a DNA strand—“which speaks to our behaviour being more ingrained than not,” said Judah.

The last music video Andrew Judah put out was for “Best in Show” – a song that will appear on the new record, albeit a more resonant version than what is currently released.

They don’t have any others in the works, McAlpine noting it’s something they’ll revisit once the album is out, and they see an opportunity to carry the art forward.

“I'm not a giant fan of music videos in general,” said Judah. “I don't think they’re worth doing unless they're something that can stand on their own; truly another way to look at a piece of music, as opposed to just… (The PRP: A band performing it?) Yes, exactly. That feels reductionist to do it just because.”

When he’s not working on material under the Andrew Judah banner, the frontman is a freelance composer for film and television.

It started back in 2012, when he remixed the song “Let Go” by New York experimental artist Son Lux, a.k.a. Ryan Lott. Lott’s day job was as a composer at Butter Music; one thing led to another, and Judah was offered a residency there himself.

Asked how the commercial avenue has influenced his approach to solo material, Judah admits he wasn’t very intentional with his writing when he started out. “Music was just this thing that happened… the inspiration would lead wherever it led. Since it became my job, [I think more about] what sounds are going to make people feel a certain way. It’s been an education in what to do with my own music.”

McAlpine has his own solo project, Common Fires, and a new single coming out April 13th. But he had always wanted to play in a band, and joked that he was “very sad, very bored. Never getting any better, just getting more sad and bored; slightly worse,” in the solitary endeavour.

He returned to Kelowna in 2014, having not lived in the city for about 10 years, and was planning to move again when the opportunity to collaborate with Judah – whose work he was already a fan of – arose.

“It’s been a very fruitful relationship,” McAlpine surmised.

The other members of the live band are Nathanael Sherman (guitar) and Kevin Dreger (drums). Sherman also releases music under the moniker N. Sherman, and put out a single titled “Sweet Boy” last week.

So, it seems Impossible Staircase is a fitting analogy for the musicians themselves. Multi-faceted and never satisfied. Continuously pushing their craft.

“You as a musician are probably always practicing,” McAlpine said. “You’re never not riding that bike.”

And we can be appreciative of that.

Written by: Natalie Hoy Header image by: Nathan Peacock