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screamingcrows · 11 days ago

Text

Snezhnaya's most controversial scientific publication

Tags/warnings: nsfw in the way a national geographic documentary is, absolute crack, segment incest, near noncon, non graphic violence mention, implied cannibalism

Note: I feel like an absolute mad lad. Please read the appendix as well guys.

Minors do not interact

"The Jester requested that I make public some of my research to dismiss concerns among the populace - a ridiculous demand."

"But, Doctor, we can't just.. Do we even have anything that wouldn't be dangerous?"

What was The Jester thinking? To make such a demand during an already busy period.

Dottore waved a dismissive hand, clearly having to restrain himself from letting further venom into his words, "We do not. Which is why you are relieved of your duties for the next week. Figure something out. I don't care about the contents, make it harmless and get it published."

You blinked at him, well aware that you must look like a fish struggling to breathe. With a tight jaw, you lowered your head in acceptance, already mourning all the extra hours you'd have to put in to catch up next week.

Well. If he doesn't care, why not make it interesting? As The Regrator said; sex sells.

Courtship and mating behaviours observed in Duplicare Dottorensis

Note that full taxonomic classification remains unclear as the class this species belongs to remains a heated topic for debate. The scientific community is in agreeance that the species belongs to one of the classes within the phylum 'chordata'.

Though asexual reproduction is speculated to occur most frequently - the exact process has yet to be observed, but bears some resemblance to that of some single celled organisms - fully matured individuals have been seen partaking in behaviour interpreted as courting.

As this species is rumored to exhibit an unrivalled level of variety in the strategies they employ to secure a mate, this study aimed to monitor a population and document every observed strategy. By doing so, the authors hope to quell the countless rumors currently circulating and causing unrest.

By employing a variety of techniques including, but not limited to; usage of subdetection units, combing through historical records, eye-witness accounts, and catching and marking select individuals, this document attempts to provide a detailed account of behavior associated with sexual reproduction.

Pacify with food

A younger segment, around the age at which The Doctor was still a student (~20), was watched closely for three days after exhibiting a strange shift in behavior. During feeding time, he would sneak off to the kitchens and, while staff was unaware, pocket scraps and spares of various foods. Strangely enough, he seemed to gravitate towards dishes that wouldn't require utensils, but instead take a bit of time to prepare and eat (various fruits that would have to first be peeled seemed to be a preference, although desserts also held his interest).

On the third day, he spent nearly two hours trying to wrap the bounty up neatly, cursing the entire time. Once satisfied with the - in our opinion rather crude - wrapping, he singled out Prime's partner going about their routine and approached carefully. Once he was within range and had their attention, he placed down the 'gift' and gave it a little kick before backing off. While they were opening it, he continued to hover around them, preferring to stay behind while continuously checking how far with unwrapping they were.

When he finally gained the courage to shorten the distance, the gift was fully unwrapped and inspected, yet they made no move to start eating. This seemed to cause the young individual a great amount of discomfort as he promptly turned and fled the room. (1)

Non-violent display of physical prowess

Another, slightly older (~25), segment exhibits drastically increased confidence compared to the younger version. By employing bribery and coercion, this version (believed to have been created to emulate the mindset of The Doctor shortly after attaining his title) recruited several other segments, all younger than himself, and spent about a week putting them through rigorous training.

This took place in a secluded room, often during the late evening or at night, and would go on for about two hours per session. We were lucky enough to have already installed a surveillance device in this room, meaning we had access to large amounts of video material (send an inquiry to The Doctor if you wish to gain access).

The segment of interest would instruct the younger ones to accompany him in an elaborate routine with his weapon, seemingly having them act as 'backing' to further highlight his superiority. The youngest of the group would be seated atop a table and simply observe, possibly standing in for the role of a prospective mate. (2)

Rough displays of physical prowess

As it quickly turned out, the above display is only utilised by a minority of the segments at that age. By far, the most frequently observed behaviour among segments of The Doctor's early days as a harbinger would be attempting to establish dominance.

While segments frequently engage in discussions and even loud arguments, these had a tendency to derail - sometimes to the point of violence - in the presence of Prime's partner.

During our period of monitoring, a total of 27 heated arguments took place in the presence of Prime's partner with all of them devolving to personal insults, 15 to minor acts of violence, and two of them escalating to the point of both segments being deactivated temporarily to undergo repairs. (3)

Occasionally, older segments were prone to display this behavior as well, but preferred to argue with Prime instead of fellow segments. This made for an interesting discovery, as younger segments would use these periods of distraction to attempt sneakily approaching Prime's partner. By keeping an eye on the argument taking place, the younger segments could time their attempted courtship and escape before neither Prime nor the older segment could discover what was happening. (4)

The impersonal approach

While only a single segment was observed to display this behaviour, it was still deemed essential to include due to the objective of this paper as well as the particular segment's relative importance.

The Omega segment, recognised as the most arrogant segment (and seeing himself as superior to the rest, the bastard) took a much more subdued approach to courting Prime's partner. During the daytime, Omega let himself into Prime's quarters - the author managed to sneak in behind him - and searched around for a brief moment.

Once he'd located a drawer of interest, Omega proceeded to rid himself of the lower half of his outfit, revealing (to the author's surprise) what appeared to be a fully functioning reproductive organ. Even more surprising were the subsequent actions, as Omega then detached this part, gave it a quick rinse, and placed it in the drawer.

Looking awfully satisfied with himself, the segment left Prime's quarters. The content of the drawer were confirmed to be a selection of toys. (5)

The unapologetic approach

Interestingly, segments older than Omega displayed the same levels of detachment from the copulation itself, but adopted a more direct approach to guarantee their succes.

This culminated in a confrontation when a segment assessed as middle-aged brought Prime's partner into the vivisection room. The segment in question had been observed tinkering with a vial of milky fluid and a device for automated injection, likely its own design.

Upon leading Prime's partner inside, the usually mild-tempered segment proceeded to forcefully restrain the other, strapping them down on the table. (At this point, the author was following events closely and alerted Prime).

The segment stripped Prime's partner and proceeded to carefully disinfect their abdomen while seemingly debating if a sedative was necessary. Upon picking up the delivery for injection and letting the sharp tip rest against their skin, the segment was interrupted by Prime breaking open the door.

Though no harm came to his partner, the segment received a rough scolding and was promptly sent to Liyue to check on a minor operation there. (6)

Minimal risk approach

The most baffling display was, by far, the strategy employed by some of the older segments. At first, their behaviour was written off as irrelevant to this study, but a chance discovery unveiled their cunning scheme.

During or after the fights between younger segments, described earlier, these segments would single out ones that looked interested in joining the fight but hadn't, or approach the loser afterwards. Under a false guise of kindness, they would then offer to teach the younger segment how to approach Prime's partner, claiming that they themselves "weren't interested, but sees no reason to not help".

This would in nearly all instances end in some form of sexual activity during which the older segment would discreetly tinker with the other segment's leyline connection. To figure out the purpose of this, one of the older segments were approached and questioned on the topic.

Apparently, the process finetunes the connection between the two segments, allowing for a period of time where they can - if they've discovered how to access it - feel on their own body what happens to the other. This usually lasts around a week, and the older segment will then sit back and simply wait. If the younger segment manages to engage in mating with Prime's partner, the older segment will be able to feel every part of the pleasure, while risking none of the repercussions of being discovered by Prime. (7)

Long term investment

Though initially outside the scope of this study, it was impossible to avoid observing Prime himself interacting with his partner. As such, it was decided that his behaviour would serve as an interesting reference, as he is the sum over time of the segments.

Prime is, perhaps unsurprisingly, much more relaxed about courting his partner, likely because he does not feel threatened by the segments. Still, it was noted that Prime would at times discard his work to enter his private workspace. Upon leaving, he would head straight for their shared quarters before returning to his scheduled work again.

When questioned, his partner immediately realised what I was referring to and invited me into their quarters (stating that they found it humorous to include Prime in this). Upon entry, they began showing off various gadgets, drawings, and trinkets, some of them elaborate and others of a simpler nature, stating that they could hardly mention any contraption that would make their life easier without Prime returning with it a few days later.

They also showed decorative pieces made by Prime as well as a few pieces of jewellery, explaining that his hands were always busy with something, and that often resulted in little gifts. Interestingly, the vast majority of these gifts wouldn't be announced by him, but simply placed where his partner would notice, and when questioned, he usually just shrugs. (8)

Conclusion

Though many different strategies for courting were observed, it still remains unclear if they are constrained to different ages. Setting up such experiments would be the next logical step.

If this is representative of how Prime courted at different stages of his life, then the author would love to know how on Teyvat he managed to land a partner???

Declaration of conflict of interest

The author of this paper is employed by The Doctor but ensures he had no influence on data collection, analysis, or writing. Furthermore, the author is aware of their bias regarding segment Omega (take the credit for my findings one more time, and I'll break that artificial dick of yours).

Appendix

(1) In many species of arachnids, the male risks being cannibalised when approaching a female to mate. For this reason, he brings a nupital gift, most often consisting of food in hopes of distracting the female while he mounts her. Some males will stuff their woven packages with not only food, but inedible scraps as well, to increase the size. There are examples (Latrodectus hasselti) where the male will willingly wriggle in front of the female to tempt her into eating him. This supposedly increases his paternity compared to males that don't sacrifice themselves. (2) The blue manakin (Chiroxiphia caudata) performs a courtship dance for the female. The male is backed by several younger males (they jump over each other on branches while moving sideways) and does various movements to display his health. The dance ends with the male swooping over to the female where he waits for her decision. The birds spend a good amount of time on practice, and will have a young male stand in for a female during these trial runs. It's incredibly fun to watch videos of. (3) Members of the Cervidae (deer) family have bucks going through ruts, during which they become increasingly aggressive. While fighting over females, the bucks will occasionally get their antlers stuck - either in its surroundings or tangled with another buck's antlers - in cases where the buck is unable to free themselves, they may starve. (4) Mirounga spp. (elephant seals) employ 'sneaky' behaviour during breeding seasons. An alpha male will establish a territory to protect and lure females in to establish a harem. Smaller beta males will often wander around along the edges of these territories and observe the alpha. A beta male might attempt to fight the alpha for the rights to the territory, and during this time, younger males might sneak past the two fighting to mate. The beta male will also sometimes wait for the alpha to be busy copulating and then try his luck in the other end of the territory. (5) Argonauta spp. (paper nautili, a genus of octupuses) has a funky way of mating. Males are around a tenth of the size of a female and only capable of mating once in their life. They approach the female, inserting a specialised arm (hectocotylus) into the female (the pallial cavity) and then proceeds to detach the arm from his own body. Fun facts; when the hectocotylus was originally observed in females, it was assumed to be a parasitic worm. Live males have yet to be observed in the wild. (6) Some beetles, such as the Hydrophilidae family (water scavenger beetles) will mount a female and pierce her abdomen with his reproductive organ. In this particular family of beetles, the female must consent and lower herself, but that is not the case for all beetles. (7) Drakaea glyptodon, along with many other orchids, have developed a distinct leaf known as the 'labellum' (commonly called the 'lip') to better attract pollinators. This labellum is specifically modified to resemble females of the orchid's selected pollinator (in this case a species of thynid wasp). Most orchids have few or just a single pollinator (there's a cool example of an orchid whose pollinator is extinct and we only know it from the shape of the labellum, the plant is Ophrys apifera has since developed self-pollination but retains the labellum). Once an insect has been lured to attempt mating with the labellum and thus lands on the orchid, some pollen will be slapped onto it and it then carries that pollen along to the next orchid that tricks it into landing. (8) Members of the family Ptilonorhynchidae (bowerbirds) construct elaborate structures to impress a female. These bowers will also be decorated using a plethora of items, all of them carefully selected based on colour preference of the individual species. Items typically include fruits, stones, shells, flowers, and feathers. Some species have also been observed to place these items in a way that essentially creates an optical illusion, making the male and his crafted bower appear larger and more impressive.

#okay guys I'm aware that no one asked for this but I just had to do it #I wish this had required more research than it actually did #yeah i'm back to teach you guys some fucking biology with the help of your favourite silly scholar #anyway imagine once prime hears the news and finds out exactly what his trusted assistant decided to publish #but to be fair; it's his fault for not paying attention or demanding peer review #and imagine being prime's partner when he finds out that you sold him out and revealed his soft tendencies lmao #il dottore #dottore #fatui harbingers #genshin impact fanfic #genshin fanfic #crow with a pen #as always divider is @/cafekitsune

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