#thank you tumblr user throwing-in-the-towel

[every-single-day]

[purecommemasolitude]

I knew Ponyboy had more of an attitude in the musical but finding out the line in RITFR is “if you hate us so much then you should just leave” (as opposed to “it”) (thank you tumblr user throwing-in-the-towel) is actually wild. If I’d given up my entire life path and was now severely unhappy and working myself to the bone all for the sake of my two brothers and then the younger one accused me of hating them when I made so many sacrifices for them (and then told me all of my efforts were useless and to stop trying) maybe I would hit him too Jesus

[donasuja]

START-UP VENTURE UPDATES

Hello, Tumblr community!

It's been a while since I've updated you all on my start-up venture, so I wanted to take a moment to share my progress with you.

First and foremost, I am thrilled to report that we have seen a lot of success in the past few months. Our product has been well-received by our target market, and we have been able to secure some key partnerships that have helped us to expand our reach even further. It's incredibly rewarding to see the hard work we've put into this project paying off in such a tangible way.

Of course, not everything has been smooth sailing. One of the biggest challenges we've faced has been managing our growth. As our customer base has grown, we've had to make some tough decisions about how to allocate our resources to best meet their needs. It's been a learning process, but we're committed to doing everything we can to continue providing the best possible service to our users.

Overall, I feel really good about where we're at right now. We have a strong team in place, and we're constantly working to improve our product and our customer experience. It's been a lot of hard work, but it's also incredibly fulfilling to be building something that has the potential to make a real impact.

As far as what I'm learning about running a business, there is no shortage of lessons to be learned! One thing that has become clear to me is the importance of staying flexible and adaptable. No matter how well you plan, things will inevitably come up that force you to pivot or adjust your strategy. Being able to roll with the punches and adjust on the fly is absolutely critical to success.

On a more personal note, this experience has taught me a lot about myself as well. I've always considered myself to be a hard worker, but this project has shown me just how much I'm capable of when I'm truly passionate about something. It's also taught me the value of perseverance - there have been plenty of times when it would have been easier to throw in the towel, but I've learned that sometimes the greatest rewards come from pushing through the tough times.

All in all, I'm incredibly grateful for this experience, and I'm excited to see where it takes us in the coming months and years. Thank you for following along on this journey with me!

[just-pineapple-responses]

Just curious, how many shower thought (response) blogs are there? I just dived into this side of tumblr (not gonna make any posts its fun to read though) and I'm already losing my mind

Well there is

The. Literal. Sun.

Plasma...

S p a c e

ALL HAIL THE LIGHT

The void. It shall consume ALL.

A typewriter incase anyone wants to write their will before they die

Also some ink, not related to the typewriter

Also some words, I wonder who'll use them

A hat with no maker and a maker with no hat

The pen is mightier than the sword. It just so happens that this one is evil. Luckily I can summon multiple

Anyone order some coffee?

Ooo, an author

The literal embodiment if of fanart

A fork, nom noms

B҉ r҉ o҉ k҉ e҉ n҉ 

Soap

Soap(for hair)

Toothpaste

🄵🄰🅄🄲🄴🅃

Towel

Bath mat

Washcloth

Bathtub

Bathwater

𝔹𝕒𝕥𝕙𝕓𝕠𝕞𝕓

Bubblebath!

One (1) bath boi

Some M͓̽o͓̽l͓̽d͓̽ (anybody got some strong disinfectant?)

Nvm, the mold has already caused a plague (gettit?) (although user misspelled it)

Nevermind, there's already a parasite here

Mirror

Door!!!

Some curtains

A denim jacket

Blackout

Rainbow

✨ Magic ✨

*Tree poses to assert dominance*

Coconut

(obviously me)

I think popeye dropped a tin of spinch and it became sentient?

Tost

Hummus. dip tost?

Criss Cross applesauce

Wibbly wobbly Wibbly wobbly jellyo

Mmmm océan s o u p

Some poison, a great addition for my soup

Smol bean

Potat

Shower magpie who I haven't seen in a while

Bird (brain)

Frog(×2:Electric Boogaloo)

An axolotl!

Ferret

*looks at smudged writing on hand. Squints. * a raccoon

Stinky bastard man (I just had to put the two next to each other)

Rat.

Becometh crab 🦀 (x2: Electric Boogaloo)

Nya~

Edgy Nya~

Tripod of dog

Brain

Nina i found one of your neurons (if you understand this reference, good job you)

A rotted brain, keep it away before it infects us all, I only have 2 braincells left

Did... Did someone drop their spinal cord?

The almighty binch

The titanic

Narrator

Water based introspection

Existential crisis

Dumbass

Also a pacifier (get it because they're also called dummies and their name is dummy)

A foolish thought to say a sorry sight join the shower community (as you can tell we did Shakespeare in English so many times i pretty much can recite everything lady macbeth said)

ADHD

Ominous

Anonymous

Anxious 🥺👉👈

Some edgy bastard

A person of culture I see (although obsessed with tweed for some reason)

1 Dapper boi

Sarcastic

nice

All smiles and sunshine

HAPPY! (why isn't there yellow 😔)

Affection (Derogatory) (I'm sorry I just felt like it)

~Petty~

Idiot

Disaster

Chaos and Order

Comebacks

'vanishing'

Defences

Threatened

Op is on drugs

All the F s

And F-general

Get out of the shower

Shower responses

Dry

The horny and the simp

Shower sins

Thower shoughts

I take quick showers

Shower thots

Last responder *countdown music*

You have shower thoughts?

Your shower thoughts are stupid

Wtf shower thoughts

Another shower responder

MORE

Just shower responses... responses

Response shower

NO SHOWER! only thought (×3)

Mmm, showery

Penny for your thoughts?

Hello darkness my old friend...

Llawyer

Beepbeep

Prussia

Haywire!!!

furry OwO

A Pigeon got in through the door, who left it open?

I'm feeling devious

You're looking glamorous, let's get mischievous, and polyamorous

Gay is stored in the ass

Gay

Trans

*opens door and walks through with you exaggeratedly* Fellas we got the whole LGBTQIA+ community right here

Enby

Hahaha gender go brrr

Lesbian

Lesbian-thot

Lust

Someone who thinks it funny to clown around

Joker (derogatory)

Haha straight

Dead inside

Some supervillain idk

News. Literally a shower news style responses

r

I cannot believe that I forgot Her Greatest Majesty, the Queen. All Hail Royal

Isaac newton?

M megamind?

Fiftieth

Crackhead

Some Phoenix Wright kinnie

What is a Dean Winchester and why does he have a tentacle fetish?

Well well well, if it ain't a homestuckian

Did someone kill/rob The Doctor or something, their TARDIS was left behind and its blocking my pretzels that I left in the shower

Mined crafts uwu

Well well well, if it ain't- *accidentally makes eye contact and is then killed by some unknown shadowy creature holding what seems to be some sort of cube of dirt*

GOTTA GO FAST

Mishamishamishamishamishamishamisha

Gen Z and ready to throw hands with OP

Not puki

Nom noms

Dip dap

Kensa

B͓̽u͓̽n͓̽g͓̽e͓̽r͓̽ ..........

Someone broke their space bar or something

It's time to d-d-d-d-d-dshower

The magical deity of sleepovers

DON'T FALL ASLEEP. NO MATTER WHAT THEY TELL YOU-

The muffin man genuinely left drury Lane for this

Txmblr

Moonlit nights on a winters day, stars glimmering gently

A child?

🟥

The fae. Just all of them. Every single one.

Crocus? (What on earth does that mean)

*sings* baba blacksheep have you any wool? Because if not you will be killed (this fits the tune perfectly. If not I have failed in everything)

The theatre itself is here... Somehow

Ahoy-hoy

boo

REEEE- *epic geometry dash gameplay to DanTDM's old intro music*

Yardale, not to be mistaken for riverdale and differs to lawn ale or front porch ale or even meter ale

I'll finish this list later

It's gonna be a long one folks

I'm including a ones that haven't spoken since ages ago because

Boy howdy there's new ones tell me who I'm missing now

Please stop thank you very much this is too many i keep having to add to this any new responder must kill a responder to continue the purge shall claim y'all as I will win i recently started watching Danganronpa

Seriously though everyone after mirror must have a battle royale it's too much i doubt all of you will even last longer than today also happy birthday me -dated:28th- do you even realise what sort of commitment you've made to sell pieces of your soul for entertainment and ability to make such epic retorts each and every post?! I sacrifice many souls DAILY to be throwing such bangers into this stuff y'know?

We have a tap guys we can finally wash our hands of all the blood of our enemies

Seriously though who left the door open I don't want a Pigeon pecking at me (the mishapocalypse got them lol)

So many responders so little time before the end of the world

If I'm missing someone please tell me very thank

There are not enough colours for me to assign a different one to each person 😔 also, wtf is on there twice on purpose

WorldHealthOrganisation IS MISSING (note: you may have a joke in place of name or under a category of names)

So there's lore without me?

ALL HAIL THE LIGHT *moth noises*

Okay now there's alternate timeline versions of responders for the benefit of myself they ain't going on the list bud

There is an incorrect role play blog quotes blog and I am crying. Not of laughter. Just wiuwhdhsjhshjxjabjsjdhdjsj

If any new people join I will go back to causing shower wars for the sake of killing you all I'm done I have snapped my laptop is updating 3 times in a row

I will commit crimes.

Does being a shower responder or role-playing seem encouraging to people to join this "community"? Because I'm pretty sure it's the latter

[grandthorkiday]

Mob AU! "Playthings" Part 12

(Note: This was written by an anonymous user. I had to log in on my account to copy/paste and re-submit it because tumblr was being dumb.)

[Link to mob!au anon’s “Playthings" fic tag]

[Start at Part 1]*

(*Note: Link is editable for other parts, just change the number. For mobile users, tag is “playthings part1”)

“Loki?”

“Up here.”

Val walked up the large staircase followed closely by Tony and Strange. They were fairly certain they were close to having enough evidence to arrest and charge Gast. The DA was chomping at the bit for the case to move forward and so was the State Attorney. There was a reluctance on the Federal level, but no one was sure whether that was politically corruption or simply because the entire case rested on Loki. And Loki wasn’t exactly a star witness.

Over the past weeks, he had admitted that he and his brother had ran drug operations for Sakaar, helped pay off and intimidate witnesses, and had been involved in a few murders. Naturally, while this all could be explained with the two being forced, everyone knew that the Defense in whatever trial came to pass would have a field day. That was, if Loki testified.

Today, they found him in a bedroom in Odin’s large estate home. He was sitting on the beige carpet, holding a book in his hands. He didn’t look up when they entered, his eyes fixed on the book.

“He lost this,” he said simply before they could speak. “He left it here a few weeks before we…left. He searched the entire apartment and couldn’t find it. It was a library book and…” Loki shook his head.

[read more cut]

“So uhm, this is Thor’s room,” Strange asked gently. Val had to hide a snort. The room was filled with old sport trophies and medals. Photos of the older brother smiling with former classmates and presumably old girlfriends and boyfriends were pinned to a corkboard behind a metal desk. The closet was slightly ajar and one could see gym shoes and several plaid shirts poking out. From all they had learned about Loki, this room most certainly did not fit him.

The brunette shrugged. “They kept it just like he left it. They even put out his laundry he had left behind.”

“Why aren’t you in your room?”

“After M-mom passed, I guess Dad felt…he needed the space.”

“Shit,” Tony hissed under his breath.

“It’s fine, really,” Loki tossed the book to the side. “Whether or not I got kidnapped, Dad would have changed out my room for a new office or trophy room or parlor or even a pool room. He was already planning it when I packed my things for college, but Mom told him to wait a year or so. Guess I got a few years reprieve.”

“We all process grief differently,” Strange began before being cut off.

“I WASN’T DEAD! I WAS JUST AS ALIVE AS THOR!” He glared at them, his eyes red and shining with tears. “HE NEVER… no one ever…only Mom and Thor…” He hugged himself, still defiantly staring at them. “You don’t even really care about me, do you?”

“Of course we do, kid,” Stark leaned in from where he was sitting on the warn out leather computer kid. “We’re trying to make this as painless as possible.”

“You’re trying to build a case. Once the trial is over, I’m just an old witness. You won’t care anymore. Hell, once I stop giving evidence, I’ll probably stop seeing you altogether won’t I?” He turned to Strange. “I’m a client to you. A patient. You’re paid to care about me. But you’re expensive. Dad won’t like that. You’ll be gone soon. Probably once he,” pointed at Tony, “tries to bill him. Oh, if it was Thor, you’d probably be so well paid that you wouldn’t need to take on a new client. But not for me. Not the fucked up adopted kid.”

“What about me, Loki?” Val asked.

He met the challenge head on. “You said it yourself! You did ‘wrong’ by me and now you’re trying to make it right! Well, guess what?! You can’t! What’s done is done! It worked out for the best for you. You rose through the ranks! I don’t know what else you want or need besides a clear conscience, but you don’t need me!”

“Is that why you left this morning? And yesterday? Because you feel no one cares?”

He shrugged. “I went for a walk.”

“Walks usually don’t involve cabs into the city.”

“Mine do.”

“Kid-”

“He loved me, you know? He cared.” Loki laid back onto the floor, stretching and running his fingers through his hair. It was almost a seduction gesture the way, as he dreamily stared past them. “He always said I was the prettiest. He liked when we slept in his bed to have me sleep in between him and Thor. We could make him happy. He used to come home in the foulest moods, and we’d cheer him up. He was so funny, he could make us laugh. I remember,” he giggled, “I remember one time Thor asked if we could have a puppy. Thor always wanted a puppy. And Grandmaster said, ‘Sparkles, why do you want a puppy when you have an old hound dog like me?’ And he got down on his hands and knees and crawled around barking and sniffing and growling at us. And then two days later, we got a puppy! One time, I got really really sick. I had a fever and I could barely stay awake. He held me on his lap and spoon fed me soup for two days. He and Thor would help me bathe and change my clothes. When my fever broke he nearly cried. ”

“Loki, he-”

“LOVED ME!” He sat up eyes focused and furious.

“He kidnapped and raped you!”

“Valkyrie!”

“What are the four of you doing in here?!” Odin was at the doorway, not daring to enter. Behind him was the security he had hired, a gruff man with a scarlet mohawk. The man had a permanent smirk and seemed to enjoy a cop, an ADA, and a psychiatrist being yelled at.

“We were gathering-” Tony began but was cut off.

“Not in this room! Never in this room. You may use my office or the guest room. As we discussed, didn’t we Loki.”

Loki stood, slowly. He pulled out his cellphone, a simple smart phone that he had managed to find a neon blue and yellow cover for, and checked something. He barely looked any of them in the eye. “Yes, Father.”

Odin nodded and glared at them as they filed out. He slammed the door to the room and watched as they paraded downstairs before turning and leaving, the security guard left behind to watch them with a smug smirk on his face.

“Uhm,” Tony nervously shifted foot to foot. “As much as I love feeling like a naughty middle schooler again, you think you up to talking today or are we going to have more emotional outbursts.”

“I have to talk,” Loki finally looked up from his phone, putting it away. “It’s either that or get kicked out.”

“Two steps forward, one massive fucking step back,” Strange whispered to Val. She nodded her agreement. Her eyes went up to the security guard who grinned broadly at her, showing a row of crooked teeth that reminded her vaguely of a shark’s mouth.

~2016~

“Happy Birthday, Sweetheart!”

Loki rubbed his eye as he entered the kitchen area of the penthouse. “I’m old!”

Grandmaster dramatically gasped. “Old?! My Lo Lo?! Never!”

“I am. I’m twenty five. Quarter of a century.”

“Fuck, the hell am I than? Ancient?” Thor asked as he threw a towel over his shoulder. “How do you want your eggs?”

“Fried or poached,” Grandmaster quipped only to be swatted by another towel.

“Doc says egg whites for you. I was asking Loki.”

“Poached please.”

“I swear to god if you give him one of your eggs-”

Loki stuck out his tongue. “It’s my birthday!”

Thor threw up his hands and turned back to the stove, loudly grumbling.

Gast chuckled, winking at the younger, leaning over the island he was sitting at to kiss him. He accepted it gladly, throwing his arms around the other. “So, you get a choice. Open your gifts now or wait until this evening at Pimpernel.”

“We’re going to Pimpernel?! For my birthday?!”

“Of course!”

“You act like he doesn’t take us anywhere!” Thor called over his shoulder. “If you recall we went to Scarcella’s for my birthday.”

“Quit bragging, Sparkles and finish breakfast.”

“I want my present now!” Loki bounced on the tips of his toes.

“Alright, alright sweetheart. One moment.” Grandmaster slowly stood. He adjusted his tan bed robe and leisurely walked back to his bedroom, humming and singing all the way.

Once he was gone, Loki raced to Thor’s side. “Do you know what it is?”

The older shrugged as he cracked several eggs into a pot of boiling water.

“Come on! There’s no way he didn’t run it by you!”

“I have been sworn to secrecy.”

“Asshole! Tell me!”

“Hey, what’s all this!?” Grandmaster had returned, holding a packet of papers.

“He’s grilling me for information!”

“Lo Lo!” It was said in a mock scandalised voice.

He stamped his foot and pouted. They always said he was cute when he pouted. Thor seemed now to agree because he leaned over and kissed him.

“Just go see. You’ll like it.” He whispered, rubbing their noses together.

“What about your present?” the younger brother whispered into the other’s lips.

“In a minute. Go see.”

He walked back to the Grandmaster who smiled as he presented the packet of papers to him. He had barely opened them when the older man proclaimed, “A trip to London! Three weeks, with all the museums and tourist traps you can imagine. And, yes, a trip to the Harry Potter Studio Tour!”

Loki’s eyes swelled with tears. “Really?! We’re going? When?”

“In two weeks. You two will need to pick out a new wardrobe. So prep for a trip to the shops!”

He squealed and nearly knocked over Thor plating the food. “Thank you! Thank you so much!”

Before he could reply, the Grandmaster’s cell rang. He kissed both his boys and left the room again, this time with no singing or frivolity. Business call, then.

“Y'know we’re only going because he has business there, right?”

“I know, but think of all the places we can see! And no one knows us there!” Loki curled into Thor’s side. “We can be…us there. We can actually wear them!” He rubbed Thor’s shoulder where the sun and moon tattoo was just visible where his shirt slipped down. “And he might be too busy to notice!”

He could feel Thor grinning as he hugged him close, kissing the matching tattoo on his body. “Yeah. That would be nice.”

“What about your present?”

“I sketched it two nights ago. I may have been drunk so it could look like shit…”

“Show me!”

The blonde shook his head but took out his phone and showed the sketch of the rose tattoo he had been working on. “Still want it for your hip, right? And you wanted to look like Tyrell sigil?”

“Or my other thigh.”

“Well this is only part one of it. Still need to sketch out the other sigils too.”

“I know.”

“You may have to wait for-”

“I know.”

“Alright, back!” Gast re-entered the kitchen. “Doesn’t that look fantastic.”

“Your doctor is going to kill me for letting you have yolk and bacon.”

“Oh don’t worry, Sparkles. I won’t let anything happen to my boys.”

[ask-de-writer]

SURPRISE PARTY!

Return to theMaster Story Index

Return to MLP Fan Fiction

SURPRISE PARTY!

2896 words : MLP Fan Fiction

Commissioned by ask-the-chan-family

The tale is set in the Alternate Universe of Thomas the Writer.  Celestia wants to throw a surprise party to celebrate the many heroic magical battles that Thomas has fought to save Equestria.  Thomas’ sister Nova, a demon, finds out about the party and sets out to wreck it.

© 2016 by Glen Ten-Eyck

Writing begun 01/03/16

All rights reserved.  This document may not be copied or distributed on or to any medium or placed in any mass storage system except by the express written consent of the author.  The commissioner has the right to post it, make copies on or in other mediums and distribute it, so long as it is done without charge.

Tumblr exemption: Blog holding users of Tumblr.com may reblog and post this work provided that the entire title and copyright block remains intact with all links included and is displayed at the head of the work.  

Fan art, cosplay or other fan activity is actively encouraged.

~~ ~~ ~~ ~~

Celestia was looking out from the balcony of the castle at the panorama of Canterlot and Equestria spread out below.  Beside her, her recently added Daughter in Law, Dashie adjusted her glasses and stared out, too.  The view eventually faded out into the purple of distance at the horizon.  The lands and towns between them and the horizon made an impressive vista.

Celestia said quietly, “I love your father, Thomas, Dashie.  I know that a lot of very highly placed ponies were really upset when we got married.”

Dashie nickered her amusement and pointed out, “They would have been upset, no matter WHO you chose! At least, when you picked dad, you got one of the two most powerful wizards of the realm as a husband!”

Celestia nodded, the playful breeze catching her incredible mane of delicate hues.  “That is true, Dashie.  Thomas has been instrumental in saving the Realm many times. You have too, a time or two.  So has De Writer.”

Dashie chuckled at a memory.  “Speaking of De Writer, If he offers it, NEVER take any tea from him!”

“Why not, Dashie?”

“You know that De Writer is a master of traveling to other dimensions, don’t you?”

“Certainly.”

“He found dad a new tea, a while ago. He got it from the bottom of a deep ocean trench.”

Incredulous, Celestia exclaimed, “TEA? From a deep ocean trench?”

“Yes.  He gave it to dad.  Dad brewed a little of it.”

“What happened, Dashie?”

“It grew tentacles that tried to gab dad!  Dad took a sharp knife and chopped them off!  He diced them and fried them up in soy and garlic.  He drank the tea while he ate the fried tentacles.”

“My goodness!”

“Yep.  Now, when he gets hungry for seafood, he just brews up a little of the tea!”

They both laughed at the notion.

Celestia chortled, “That sounds like my Thommy-Wommy!

“He is not really afraid of anything, is he?”

Dashie went serious and cleaned her glasses as she replied, “Not much, I will give you that.  The most important thing is that when he is afraid, he does not run.  He faces it and figures out how to win.  And then he does.”

Celestia nodded slowly.  “That is it. He is a true hero.  That is how he has saved our realm so often.

“I would like to throw a party for him but his birthday is so far off.”

Dashie agreed, “It is, but birthdays are not the only reasons to hold parties!  We could hold one to celebrate his many courageous deeds!”

Celestia grinned as she agreed, “YES! Let’s do it!  A surprise party for my Thommy-Wommy!”

From a corner of the room, behind some drapes a red-eyed shadow chuckled.  “A surprise party for that upstart Thomas?  Perhaps we should make it a family affair.  I must go and tell his sister, Nova about this!”  Count Nogoodny sneaked quietly away as the two mares discussed what the party should be like.

Nova, Thomas’ sister and a daughter to the Demon Queen Aurora, listened carefully to Count Nogoodny’s account.  She was in her common and unthreatening form as an earth pony.  Her ears twitched and her eyes slitted as she thought through Count Nogoodny’s story of the meeting on the balcony.

“Just the party about Thomas’ courage?  Is that ALL that they talked about?”

He grumped, “All that is important! The only other thing that they talked about was De Writer and his crazy teas!  Nonsense about them being dangerous or something!”

Her voice gone deadly calm, Nova asked, “Deadly?”

Nogoodny snorted, “Utterly unbelievable!  One grows tentacles when it is brewed.  That was just an example.  Dashie said that they were all like that, one way or another!”

Nova smiled.  It was the kind of smile that has been known to freeze glaciers solid.

Waking Luna in mid morning is never easy.  She was making it no easier, today!  She hoofed a big fluffy pillow over her ears, clamped her eyes shut and snapped, “Whatever you want, NO!  I want to sleep!”

Celestia was about to say more when Dashie snickered, “NO to whatever we want?  Great!  We want you to sleep!”

Luna stuck her royal head out of the pile of blankets and demanded, “What is it you want, smart ass?”

Dashie gestured for silence to Celestia.  “We want to hold a party for Thomas!  Everybody knows that you are the best cook in Equestria.  We are going to want a big cake, maybe several tiers, with frosting figures to show dad’s famous exploits in saving the Kingdom.”

Luna’s curiosity piqued, and the flattery (which was true) about her cooking, she started to think. Eyes squinted in concentration, she pointed out, “It would have been good to have a few days to prepare for this.  Still … OK, I’ll do it.”

Celestia smiled, “Great!  I knew that we could count on you, Sis!”

Dashie nodded, “Right.  Luna, we know that Nova is in the castle.  Be sure to keep her out of the kitchen while you are working!”

Luna chuckled.  “De Writer is almost as dangerous!  He and Thomas are almost inseparable.  He likes to bring his tea to events.  I have never heard of one of those teas that is really safe!”

Dashie nodded ruefully.  “I know. How well I know!”

With Luna now busy in the kitchen and some castle staff busy preparing one of the ballrooms for the party, Celestia and Dashie were relaxing in her royal quarters.  There was a knock at the door.  Before they could answer it, the doors were pushed open and a familiar earth pony mare trotted right in!

Her eyes slitted in suspicion, Dashie demanded, “What are you doing here, Nova?”

“I was told that you are having a party for my brother!  I came to help!”

Celestia’s delicate seeming but very strong magic grabbed the demon pony and swept her out through the tall window-doors to the balcony.  Nova was dangled head down over the abyss.

Dashie trotted out to the balcony and said brightly, “We all know that IF YOU MAKE A PROMISE, you will keep it, Nova.”

Celestia said with a grim tone, “I suggest that you promise that you will do nothing to mess up this party!”

Nova, looking down and swallowing hard, exclaimed, “Would I do that?  He is my brother!”

Dashie interposed instantly, “It has never stopped you before!  We all know that you have trouble with heights and that if we drop you, you will just switch to demon form and fly back here.  You won’t get hurt but you WILL get airsick. Shall I go get towels to clean up after you barf?”

Nova sourly snarled, “All right!  I PROMISE that I won’t do anything to mess up your precious party!”

Celestia nodded, “Good enough!” Her magic brought Nova back to the balcony.  Dashie had towels ready. Nova’s weak stomach about heights let go.  It was mopped up in moments.

Looking puzzled, Nova asked, “Why didn’t you have a servant clean it up?”

Dashie flexed her wings a little as she replied, “Gossip.  Servants gossip.  Why embarrass you further? You made your promise.  I know that you will keep it.

“Why don’t you go and assist with setting up the ballroom for the party?”

Pretending to be defeated, Nova slunk from the chamber.  Inside, she was exulting, “I did it.  I got away with it! I won’t be the one to mess up this party!”

She cornered Count Nogoodny and said sweetly, “If you really want to get on Celestia’s good side, carry a message to De Writer.  He should bring his best tea to the party!”

The Count grumped, “What am I?  A mere messenger?”

Nova smiled viciously as she said, “Well, you don’t HAVE to!  You could ignore it and be blamed for the lack of De Writer’s famous tea at the party.  I am SURE that Celestia will look kindly on such an omission at a party for her chosen consort!”

She giggled as the Count left, double time.

Soon the Count was searching the apparently blind ally where he knew that De Writer’s hidden magic shop was.

He finally found the concealed entrance and managed to get in.  He petulantly demanded, “Why don’t you make it easier for your clients?”

The elderly blue unicorn with a white beard, who was reputed to be one of the two most powerful wizards in Equestria, chuckled.  “I would expect that to be obvious!  I don’t WANT clients who give up that easily!  Don’t really want ANY clients. I am plenty wealthy as it is.”

“Then why bother with a shop at all?”

“So that when I AM NEEDED, I can be found!  Are you really as thick as that brick wall?”

“I have a good mind not to give you my message!”

Skeptically, the old unicorn snorted, “I am glad to hear that your mind is good for something!  I was beginning to wonder!”

“The message is that Celestia is throwing a surprise party for Thomas.  She wants you to bring along your best tea for it!”

“Oh, is that all?  No problem.  Thank you.  Your message is delivered.  You may go.”

“And if I demand to see this tea?”

“I will refuse.”

“I am a Count of the Realm!”

A fading voice said, “Then you are needed elsewhere!”

Looking about frantically, the Count found himself back in the castle.  In a toilet.  Lifting his hooves and stepping out of the water in the bowl, he snarled, “Not even good will with Celestia is worth this!”

Celestia and Dashie, meanwhile, had located Sunrise, Celestia’s son by Thomas, in the Royal Library.  The young Alicorn tried to ignore them by reading intently.  He was surrounded by a near fort of books.  Dashie, knowing readers well, began to read over his shoulder.  And giggling.

Irritated, Sunrise demanded, “Don’t you know that is rude?  Why are you giggling at Snarkevan’s History?”

Dashie batted her eyelashes at him and retorted, “Of course ignoring your mother is polite!  Certainly I knew it was rude.  It also got your attention.

“As for giggling at Snarkevan, most of what he wrote was pure garp.”

Celestia nodded sadly, “She is right, Sunrise.  I was there when those things happened.  So was Luna.  If you want to study history, we have perfect memories.  Ask us or check facts with us.

“Now, we have a different and, I hope, fun task for you.  We are throwing a surprise party for your father this evening.  What we want is for you to go to his bookstore and keep him away from the castle until this evening.  Lure him up in the evening by telling him the truth.  Not about the party, but that Luna is cooking dinner for him.”

Sunrise’s eyes lighted up.  “Thomas’s little book shop?  The one that always has the books that you need? Thank you, Mom!  I won’t let you down!”  He vanished with a clatter of hooves.

He caught Thomas just locking up his little book shop.  “Hi, Dad!  Where are you going?”

“Hi, Sunrise!  I going  to castle for lunch.”

Sunrise pulled his lips back in distaste and made a gagging noise.  “Actually, Dad, that is why I’m here.  They are making their … ack! … Best sushi!”

Thomas blinked about three times.  “You have save my life, sort of.  That five stomach pump sushi!  And one more thing.  We go De Writer’s shop.  He always have something good.”

They trotted down two streets and over one.  They strolled into the small blind alley of brick walls with no doors or windows showing.

Thomas knocked politely and a section of brick faded, turning into a door.  Sunrise pushed the door open and held it for his father to enter.  Thomas expected what he saw. Sunrise was surprised.  De Writer was just finishing setting his table for three.  There were inviting smells arising from under the domed heat covers on the plates.

De Writer had a tall glass filled with a butterscotch milkshake.  There was a pot of hot water and a teacup set out for Thomas, along with a strange looking tea thimble.  It had strong looking bars instead of the usual thin metal with small holes in it.  Sunrise was pleased and relieved to note that his place had a chocolate milk shake as big as De Writer’s.

With a grin, De Writer offered, “Thomas!  Sunrise!  What a surprise!  I heard that you were saved from castle sushi!  My teas are safer that that!”  

Thomas promptly poured his hot water over the tea thimble in his cup!  It began to bounce about in the cup, emitting snarling noises.  The bars held and soon the tea settled down to a quiet brown brew.  Thomas sipped appreciatively. His uncovered plate revealed a big freshly made Alfalfa Steak with Sea Grass puffs along side.  There was a soy and garlic dipping sauce to go with the puffs.  

Sunrise uncovered a plate filled with a simply huge Clover Top burger and an enormous pile of large, thick onion rings.  It had a well with a honey and mustard dipping sauce too!

De Writer’s plate had a big slice of Clover and sweet grass loaf dripping with a rich brown gravy.

They all fell to, happily munching away.  There was no conversation.  It is rude to talk with your mouth full!

As they were mopping up the remains, it hit Sunrise.  “How did you know that we were coming?”

The old unicorn grinned.  “One, I am one of the two most powerful wizards in Equestria.  Two, I heard about the castle making sushi and I knew at once that Thomas would not be there!”

Sunrise thought for a second and pointed out, “What about me?  How could you know about me?”

With a whicker of amusement, Thomas answered, “See De Writer point one!  And one more thing!  More tea, please?”

“Sure thing, Thomas!  This was Wild Mountain leaf and BEARies.  The Bear side of it needs to be contained until the tea brews!”  He reloaded the thimble with more of the tea, which had wrinkled, dried berries in in it.

They all watched the thimble bounce and growl with amusement.  As Thomas leaned back after his second cup, Sunrise offered, “Celestia told me to tell you that Luna will be cooking dinner.”

Both Thomas and De Writer’s eyes lit up at the thought of Luna’s famous cooking.

It was not long before it was time to go.  The Mahjongg game got put aside.  (Thomas was ahead.)  De Writer disappeared into the depths of his shop and returned, carefully stowing a package in his saddlebag.

They all three trooped up to the castle’s main gate.  The guards, recognizing them, let them in without any difficulty.  They headed through the sumptuous halls toward the dining room.

Nova intercepted them.  Instantly wary, Thomas demanded, “Nova!  What you do here?”

Sourly she replied, “Nothing! Sunbutt made me promise not to mess up tonight.  Follow me.  Dinner is over here.”

Thomas skeptically asked, “How she manage that?”

“She dangled me upside down over the drop down to the plains!”

She led them to the big Ballroom.

As they entered the room, the red-eyed Count Nogoodny came to De Writer and demanded, “Did you remember to bring it?”

De Writer nodded as if he had been addressed politely.  “I did.  Here.  You need to measure it into the cups before you add the hot water.”

The Count snatched the package and snapped, “I know how to make tea!”

The group turned away from the minor drama at the sudden yells of “SURPRISE!  Thomas, this party is to thank you for the many times that you have done heroic things to save the country!”

De Writer heard a small clank!  It was followed by the sound of the small catches of a serving urn lid being locked.

Luna was standing proudly by a huge three tiered cake set about with scenes in frosting from many of Thomas’ famous magical battles to keep Equestria safe.

Through the gaps between the layers, De Writers saw a BIG urn of hot water.  The Count was just securing the last catch on  the lid!

With a rumble like an unhappy volcano, the urn suddenly erupted!  The force of the blast hurled the big cake into the air!  It was tumbling toward Thomas!  De Writer’s magic reached out and smashed the cake away, breaking it into a hundred pieces!

Thomas saw Nova’s expression of glee! He did not know how but he did know that his sister was behind the disaster somehow!  His magic snagged all the serving plates and caught a nice chunk of cake on each one!  They all sailed to the surprised guests who grabbed their plates already served!  

All except Nova.  Somehow, her plate arrived empty!  As she was grabbing it, a great big glob of cake, loaded with three flavors of frosting landed on her head!

Thomas grinned as he said, “Oops!”

Nova furiously wiped at her head, some of Luna’s cake and frosting getting into her mouth.  Suddenly she began to laugh.

“At least it is a really good cake!”

The whole rest of the Royal Court, thinking that it was a planned part of the entertainment for the night, joined her in laughter.

~THE END~

Return to theMaster Story Index

Return to MLP Fan Fiction

[utopianparadoxist]

I can’t focus on anything enough to write about Homestuck today, so I’m gonna talk about something that matters a lot more instead. I know this isn’t like, part of My Brand, but Puerto Rico is part of who I am and why I’m here. And since I couldn’t be part of the day of action officially, this is what I’m doing instead. So here’s what it comes down to:

I can’t stop thinking about the Homestucks in Puerto Rico. 

And yes, it’s myopic to focus on a people suffering who happen to be part of a fandom. Everyone is human and nobody deserves this kind of suffering.  Puerto Ricans deserve help because they’re people, full stop.

But people weren’t designed for numbers to track this scale of suffering, and even having spent part of my life there, the devastation my little island is going through has been more than I can relate to, or even imagine. 

So it’s this particular memory that sticks out for me, and those particular people that stand in for the unfathomable many who are suffering right now. I’m going to tell you guys a story, and try to put the place I remember into the context of the Island’s current struggle, and the sorely lacking support of the American government. 

Then I’m going to talk about what we can do to help. 

I can guarantee that at least one of those things is something you can do. Even if you can’t do anything but blog about fandom and talk to friends online--and trust me, I get it if that’s where you are. There’s still something important I want you to consider trying. 

If you have the spoons and mental wherewithal, and you care at all about what I do here, or about Homestuck, or about the friends you’ve made and the people you’ve met through fandom, or about any story that has ever moved you to reach out and make a friend,

Then I hope you can find the time to read and signal boost this. No pressure. I know it’s hard and we’re all tired. Still, It would mean a lot to me. 

(A description of PR’s Capital city, dated Oct 10th.)

Upd8 culture isn’t something that all the fans here have been exposed to. Fans have gotten flashes of it like on 10/25 last year or, of course, with Hiveswap’s release. But back during the days of Homestuck’s height in popularity, we were all wired, all the time. 

An Upd8 could happen any second, and anything and everything could change with any upd8. This was the height of update culture, and it was like being on a neverending rollercoaster. It was a sense of communal excitement and thrill that made me feel connected to everyone sharing the ride.

(The Federal Emergency Management Agency fails to keep up with the Island’s food shortages.)

I went to a con with friends only once in PR, but while there, we hung nearby a Homestuck meetup. I didn’t really engage with them, but I did have MSPA Notifier on my phone, and it just so happened an update hit. 

I was the first to notice. 

(x) (Jason Maddy, Marine Vet’s Facebook Page)

I remember grinning and telling my (Non-Homestuck) friends to watch.  That was the first and only time I got to yell the word “UPD8” to someone else in person. The result was spectacular.

The explosion of yelling and the flurry of activity was too overwhelming to follow. Suddenly, teens were yelling and scrambling to get near the closest screen. The one who sticks out in my head is a God Tier John--pretty sure the outfit was homemade--pressing his tablet up against a wall.

(Trump throws rolls of paper towels at a crowd in a Hurricane relief center.)

For a good ten minutes, we watched as what was a pretty chill meetup beforehand talked and traded screens with fervent excitement.  My friends, exposed to nothing but my self-indulgent blather about the comic up until then, looked at me in bewilderment and asked: “What did you do?”

But of course, I didn’t do anything. I was just a lucky messenger. What moved me, what moved us all with the same joy and excitement, was a shared moment of love for a story. A common passion. 

I didn’t make friends with any of them that day, and I wish I had now. Really, I just wish I knew if they were alright. Any of them. 

I wonder if they enjoyed Hiveswap in the few days between the release and Maria, or if they got the chance to play it at all before the electricity grid collapsed. I wonder how many got off the island. How many have stayed behind. 

How many are LGBT, now cut off from access to what was my only lifeline on the largely conservative island? I think about the reports of sky-high rates of depression and PTSD pouring in whenever I can bring myself to listen.

I hope all of those kids are still alive and well. I should mention: All of these tweets and news reports are verifiably true. I can confirm them myself, because I hear the same thing whenever I manage to get in contact with anyone on the island. 

My family hears supplies are coming, but never seem to see them arrive. The woman who drove me to school contacted me today, saying the same thing. Wherever there’s contact on the ground, there are reports of inadequate support and desperate need. Food in grocery stores is near running out.

Everyone I know who is able making plans to leave. Everyone I know cries and hurts most for those who cannot make these plans. Those who are stuck. Those who will be left behind to survive the nightmare.

What can we do for them?

Of course, donating to verified and trustworthy charities is an option. For those of us who are able:

Donate to Puerto Rican Farmers.

The Hispanic Federation’s Disaster Relief & Recovery Fund.

Eco-Kit uses Amazon to distribute life-saving survival tools.

And More.

But maybe even more important than that is adding our voices politically:

Petition for Immediate Large-Scale Relief Package for Puerto Rico.

Use this handy Call Script to find and call your representatives.

We can also simply talk, learn, and educate. It goes without saying that this devastation is in part a product of climate change. But we can also talk about the Jones Act that slows aid to Puerto Rico. 

We can reckon with Puerto Rico’s long history of colonial subjugation by the U.S. And we can increase understanding of the massive debt crisis that threatened the island even before the hurricane.

I will continue to post about this when I am able and have useful information to spread, but it may also help to follow blogs such as @tumblricans if you’re able. 

But even if you can’t do any of this: Believe me, I understand. I know how hard and unbearable it all is. 

Even if you can’t do anything but talk to people online, try to keep your mind off it, try to focus on fandom and friends and whatever gets you through these days,

There’s still something you can do.

Choose to be kinder. Here, in this space that you share with so many progressives, coming from so many walks of life, that have all been hurt by this world through so many cruel and unusual punishments. Even if nowhere else.

Choose to be kinder here, in this nebulous place where many of us come to forget our sorrows and share our joys and pains with others. 

Try to remember that everyone has a story. That everyone has something they’re dealing with, and you have no way to know what it is. Try to choose kindness and compassion over instinctual judgment and ideological superiority.

Extend this kindness to creators as well as your fellow fans and users, because the people who make art for us are people who are struggling and trying hard just like me and you. 

Extend this kindness to yourself and your friends in your moments of weakness, just...remember to extend it to your perceived “enemies” on this website, too. In the grand scheme of things, they simply don’t exist. 

Fandom spaces on Tumblr and Ao3 are predominantly made up of lgbt women, and lean highly towards progressive sentiments besides. Wherever we turn to this hyper-critical behavior, we are making threats out of allies. It’s not necessary, and worse, it drives us apart.

Remember that ultimately, we are all in this together. The world is a scary place right now. There are people out there in the world who deeply and truly want to hurt us.  You can even find them online, if you really want to. 

But like...fellow fans invested in the progressive agenda? Creators making progressive art? They are not your enemies, and for the progressive agenda and anyone identified as basically any kind of minority, the shit is hitting and will increasingly continue to hit the whirling device. 

We all need support now more than ever, and it is really only going to come if we begin to choose to support each other. 

And that’s important work to do. Because the kinder we are, the closer we are, the better we can connect. The better we can organize. And the more good we can do for places like Puerto Rico or people like Rune.

Sometimes, making the world a better place is just a matter of being nice to each other. That alone could well have the power to change everything.

Thank you for reading all this. I love you. Keep rising.

[akria23]

Still so far to go

Ive seen a lot of discourse about how social media m, especially tumblr, has treated shows like TGD, DWP, Pitch. How the seemingly lack of interest is interesting in the aspect of how tumblr is always talking about how unjust media is for black people/POC. I often see these post questioning peoples presences, or better, they're lack of presence when it comes to resident black shows like these. Or shows where the focus is centered around that culture. And while I understand where post like these come from - have made a few in the past myself. I've learned the pointlessness of it other than getting something off your chest. People like to jolt responsibility from their shoulders, they like to make excuses and I can probably guess the top 3 you've gotten in response if you've ever made such a post.... 1). Well if they were good...it's kinda subpar...it's not really my storyline its too [insert BS here]. - I always side eye the shit out of this excuse because they're claiming to be so harmless but it's always such an underlying insult. How is it everytime something inherently black or black focused comes out you just can't seem to see any interesting points in it? And when there is one that's popular...oh boy then you don't like it because it's just overrated 😒 2). Maybe people just don't have Netflix... -And yet...they seemed to have them for all the other current popular Netflix shows....Stranger things, 13 reasons which were out at the SAME time as The Get Down, Dear White People. And yet I didn't stop seeing those first two whenever my tumblr popped open. I had to actively seek the other two. It's also interesting to note who is posting what. 3). Tumblr is not the equivalent to the world I hear this excuse often because tumblr is the location and people like intentionally missing the point. You're upset and frustrated with users of tumblr because tumblr is the platform that gives you access to all these mini crusaders who day in and day out talk about how unfair media is towards black people/poc and yet when the show's come out those same people can't be counted on to share, or celebrate it's reality. You don't see them throw their bone into the ring until there's a huge margin already there. I get the frustration - I often feel it myself. I often side eye the people I follow. There just feels like there's an imbalance of what people say they believe and what they actually do believe and actually do actively. But I only allow that frustrating feeling to stay all of two seconds. When The Get Down came out I was so frustrated, so upset. Because no one was picking up that awesomeness. There were no reblogs, no shine. We were a niche community of people begging others to join in and give it a try. It's upsetting to realize that such a gem won't get the shine it deserves but that's the game. I don't think Poc's should feel bad about these things. Because as a black person...if our biggest failures are TGD, DWP, & Ginny from Pitch then we're doing a damn good job because those pieces are amazing. We're not gonna win them all, we won't be able to keep them all - even the good ones. But that doesn't mean we aren't making track...because even though these didn't get the viewer ratings there are those that did and went beyond. Those same shows that even made it possible for others to get a chance. I spend a lot of time on my tumblr blogging and reblogging about the show's most of my people (following & followers) don't seem to talk about. That's intentional. If my post spark interest in just one person then it's a job well done. There are a lot of people who joined TGD fandom AFTER we spazzed about the return of part 2. All we can do as fans is fan for the work, celebrate its existence, highlight its goodness, and share it with others who are willing to join the crusade. Thank the creators! I think that's important because I feel like a lot of time people spend more time on the nay-sayers or on creators who are doing shit jobs instead of the creators/production teams that actually are trying. We don't want them to give up and throw in the towel - even if this project fails we want them to try again with something else just as worthy. It's disheartening that we can't just turn on our televisions or computer screens and just find another Dizzee Kipling, that these stories aren't just being rolled and pressed. I no longer compare. If you do you'll only get upset. Because you see something like 13 reason - who was promised a season 2 before the show even hit stream. A story that really don't need to continue at all - whose message really was stretching for a show at all. Then you see The Get Down who struggles to get 5 episodes and has to try to compact the these themes and the characterization into these minisodes and it's just crazy. It can drive you mad. Which is why I just try to remain in bliss of being blessed. I may not be able to find a version of Dizzee any and everywhere yet, but at least I got to experience the Dizzee Kipling that does exist. Just like I'm happy as a motherfucker that DWP the show wasn't about white people but about the struggles and issues blacks have to deal with as a result of white people and racism. We've seen a lot of greatness - Viola finally getting her credit and due, the beauty of black women like cookie being seen as good vs bad. A black man not only playing deadshot by being shipped. Another black man is about to get his own movie as a hero (me gon watch that) other shows presenting black people as leads. We're killing the box office. Our success may seem like small doses, but to quote one of the original diverse movies - it dont matter if you win by an inch or a mile, winning is winning. If the stories in TGD and DWP don't get to continue...still celebrate them for existing in the first place.

[fleeting-phantasm-blog]

Trick Question: An Undyne & Papyrus Friendship Fic

(A second version of the post without the gift recipient tagged / my obnoxious yammering--for a cleaner reblogging experience :3c .)

Rating: G, All Ages (occasional language) Characters: Undyne & Papyrus Genre: Friendship, Fluff AO3 Link: Right here~

Summary: Guard Captain Undyne is used to taking new recruits under her fins—so much so, that she’s gotten pretty good at discerning what type of soldier the greenhorns are likely to become even long before they’ve finished basic training! But when Undyne throws her latest student for a loop, he, in turn, throws all of her expectations right out the window. Whoopsy doopsy! (Gift for Tumblr user “battz” as part of the Undertale Dating Sim team’s secret santa exchange :3)

Let me start off by saying I’ve learned two very important things recently: 1. That my never-ending patience actually ends after midnight; and 2. When opened with enough force, my front door can launch a fully-grown monster a distance of about a hundred meters—give or take.

…

Okay, maybe add a third to the list: Skeletons are just as durable as they are persistent.

* * *

If someone wants to join the Royal Guard but feels they need a little extra help preparing for the intense entry process, the Underground has tons of options they can take advantage of if they so choose. We’ve got dojos, cram schools, personal trainers, you name it—each and every one licensed and verified by yours truly.

It used be that the Captain of the Royal Guard never got involved this early on, but I fixed that real quick. The Captain should be personally aware of everything at every stage, and they should be both accessible and approachable in case a problem shows up. Like, if there’s an issue at one of the prep schools, or if recruitment numbers suddenly take a nosedive, then that means something’s gotta change—possibly at a very basic or public level. And who better to kick start that change (or prevent the problem from happening in the first place) than the one who, basically, should be the most public face in the entire Guard.

At least, that’s what I think.

To this end, I’ve personally sat in on junior training exercises and given lectures; I’ve dined with recruits who passed the entrance exams on their very first try, and I’ve shared drinks with those who failed ten times in a row—but, dammit, let’s knock back a few and forget for a bit, ya hear?! I’ve also sat down with dozens of ordinary citizens who, though not shooting for anything like the Royal Guard, were just plain sick of the way their lives were going and wanted to turn things around.

I guess what I’m trying to say with all this is that even though I’ve earned an “official” title that affords me a lot of “official” privileges, I’m not about to turn my nose up to the average Joe. The Captain’s duties should go way beyond the fancy suit of armor, and I’m going to make sure it stays that way long after I’ve passed the position on and become a crotchety old pile of dust.

…That said, though, this is the first time over the course of my entire career that I’ve had the pleasure of working with someone of Papyrus’s—what’s the word—magnitude? This guy had the brass balls to bypass every proper, kingdom-accredited training method and bring his (nonstop) requests for “personal Guard preparation” straight to me. No hesitation. No concern for schedules, socially acceptable phone call hours, or even personal space. Rain or shine, there he was—a bony bundle of enthusiasm.

So when Papyrus unsurprisingly bounced back from his 3AM express trip across my lawn care of my front door, I don’t know if it was more exhaustion, admiration, or an overwhelming sense of concern for his well being that finally made the Captain of the Underground’s Royal Guard throw in the towel.

“Alright,” I said. “If you think you can handle it, I’ll run you through the ropes myself.”

And, covered in the muck of Waterfall, his smile could have powered a city.

* * *

I’d like to say Papyrus showed up bright and early for his first session, but that’d be a lie: He never left. I guess camping out in the yard was way more efficient than walking the short distance to and from Snowdin, and “A future Royal Guardsman has to be as efficient as possible. Right, *~*~*Captain Undyne*~*~*??”

I made my coffee extra strong that morning.

Once our start-time rolled around, I stepped out of my house to find Papyrus ready and waiting—albeit, looking all sorts of goofy with his chest puffed to his chin and his arms firmly glued to his sides.

“You can relax a little,” I told him. “This is off-record. I prefer getting to know people without all the stuffy formalities.”

“Yes, Captain Undyne! Right away!” But of course he didn’t relax until I realized he wanted me to say “at ease,” and when I did, he giggled the whole way out of his special form of attention as if it was the best thing he had heard in his life. Then, blatantly ignoring everything I had just said about formalities, he promptly asked, “Captain Undyne? Permission to inquire as to why you are not wearing your armor if we’re going to be sparring?”

“Uh… granted?”

“Why are you not wearing your armor if we’re going to be sparring?” The dude was seriously raring to go, his weight bouncing slightly from leg to leg like some kind of boxer on a sugar high.  

“Slow your roll, there,” I said with a laugh. “If you wanna pass the entrance exams, then there’s more you gotta worry about than just the physical.” From under the crook of my arm, I pulled out a ratty old folder filled to bursting with a whirlwind of papers. “You see, a good Guardsman not only knows how to fight, but when to fight, why to fight, and even if to fight. The twenty-page written exam makes sure all our candidates are aware of this—along with knowing a bunch of Underground laws and other general information. We’re gonna start with that so we can get it out of the way. Just think of it like… pulling a tooth, or something. Painful but necessary.”

Yet, when I tried to give the documents to Papyrus, he held up a hand and politely refused.

“Oh, I’ve heard tall tales about that dreaded test,” he said. “But I can assure you, Captain Undyne, that you won’t need to waste even a second of your precious time on helping me study. I’m a walking encyclopedia when it comes to the Royal Guard.”

Classic greenhorn confidence. Seen it a million times.

“Really now.” I challenged. “Then how ‘bout I ask you a few questions just to make sure?“

Contained within the folder I brought were all sorts of documents I had saved over the years: copies of Guard reports and case files, a few book scans, lists upon lists of various laws and definitions. It was a great big pile of organized chaos that I not only used as a constant reference but also willingly shared if one of my units was struggling with some of the more… technical aspects of the job. Some of it you could find in textbooks; others you’d have to go digging through the bowels of the courts to snag even a scrap. For a solid fifteen minutes, Papyrus and I went back and forth, with me tossing out what I thought were the most impossible questions I could find in an attempt to catch that rookie’s pluckiness of his off-guard.

“That’s an easy one, Captain Undyne! The Magic Conservation Act was signed into law by our very own King Asgore Dreemurr, in the Year of Our Dog 19XX.”

Okay, good, he got the year right. Most people miss that.

“Anti-Human Directive 10? That depends: Do you mean the original or the amended second edition?”

Wait, there’s a second edition?

“The Research Division? Why, that’s a special squad assigned to escort the Royal Scientist during important, castle-mandated fieldwork.”

Hang on, that’s not even public knowledge. I formed that group last week because I was worried about Alphys!

I slapped the folder shut, stunned. “Well, roll me up in rice and serve me with a side of soy sauce.”

“Did I win?!” Papyrus chimed. “Permission to ask if we can spar now, Captain Undyne?”

Somehow, by the grace of whatever crazy being drives this world, Papyrus answered every single Dogdamn question correctly. I didn’t know if I should shake his hand or file for a restraining order. Still, if he was so eager to jump into the fray, then I needed to be absolutely sure of something—that he knew the most important answer of all.

“Listen,” I said. “The reason you’re doing all this is so you can become a Royal Guard, right? You wanna get a cool suit of armor, make a name for yourself, maybe kick a few humans in the keister?” Papyrus nodded with so much vigor, I thought his skull would fall off. “Then, before you can even think of crossing spears with me, I need you answer one last question.” His nod that time was a bit slower. His expression grew solemn, showing that he understood this was important. “Papyrus, what is a Royal Guard?”

“What is a…” He tilted his head to the side, brows drawing together as he mouthed the question.

“…Royal Guard,” I repeated, assuring him that I did, indeed, ask the question correctly. “The individual, not the group—if that’s what you’re wondering.”

“Right. Yes. That’s… what I was wondering. Thank you, Captain Undyne.” Papyrus’s voice trailed off into a mumble. He looked to the cavern walls, tapping the ground with a foot as the two halves of his jaw ground together in thought. There was honestly something deeply satisfying watching him fish for a response after he conquered my Q&A session. Finally, after some intense contemplation, he found one—or, rather, a series of them: “A Royal Guard is… someone employed by the Royal Guard? Wait, no. A Royal Guard is a living extension of our king’s righteous paw! Or, well, I suppose you could say that about a lot of things. A Royal Guard is—I’ve got this, Captain Undyne, I swear—is someone who has passed stringent tests and is officially licensed, under royal decree….”

And so on, and so on.

Once Papyrus realized his twisty little spaghetti strand of answers wasn’t getting him anywhere, he stopped talking and just kinda stared at me. Then, all at once, the confidence he built up over the course of the afternoon deflated from his body.

“I’m sorry, Captain Undyne. I guess I… I don’t know the answer to that.” He slumped over so far his voice was muffled in that weird costume of his. The poor guy probably thought he just ruined everything. I couldn’t help but walk over and give him an encouraging pat on the back.

“Well, that’s no good,” I said. “It’s hard to become something if you don’t even know what it is. Still, you’ve got time to figure it out. Study up, and see if you can find the answer. Once you do, we’ll move on to some actual sparring, okay?”

This time, when I handed him the folder, he actually took it.

* * *

Anytime I train someone, I’m reminded of what Alphys once said: The more you observe something, the more you start to notice patterns in its behavior, which then makes it easier for you to form a hypo- … hippoth- … Basically, you hang around something long enough, you get better at predicting what it’s gonna do.

For folks like Papyrus, experience has told me that I have to be a little careful when working with them. I’ve seen his personality type before: a naïve go-getter filled with all sorts of shiny fairy tale dreams that he hopes to live out if he gets into the Guard—which is fine; I’ve got some pretty faffy dreams myself. It’s just, when it comes to his particular type of personality, I’ve learned over the years that their spirits tend to, well, wilt when the going gets tough. Not always, but often enough. That’s not to say they don’t make excellent soldiers, though. The ones who’ve made it through and come out on top are some of the best damn Guards I’ve had ever had the honor of working with. They have this goodness inherent in them that’s getting more and more difficult to find these days.

Unfortunately, in this line of work, that genuine goodness is also getting more and more difficult to keep. When folks like Papyrus join up and realize what real Royal Guard life is all about—when “niceness” becomes “weakness”, when they’re constantly faced with the worst of society… with all the injustices in the world that don’t have easy answers (if any at all)—then that goodness starts to falter. Give it enough time, it rots into bitterness and then anger, even hatred. I’ve seen it mark the faces of many of our veterans. I’ve even struggled with it myself.

That is exactly why I didn’t want Papyrus to jump in to combat training as quickly as he had been hoping—and, probably, why I didn’t agree to train him right away. The most I knew about him before all this began was what I had heard from his brother, Sans, and even that was enough for me to form a conclusion. That first day of training only solidified it: Papyrus is too good. Too nice. In the most beautiful, wonderful sense, Papyrus absolutely does not belong on a battlefield, and I will be damned before I put him there.

I thought starting with the written portion of the entry exam would give Papyrus a good idea of what we do and how I work before he got a taste of the real serious stuff. My plan was to spend a week or two drilling him with questions, grilling him for every wrong answer, and ensuring he learned his stuff through the only way the Guard knows how to teach it—with no punches pulled. Maybe then he would realize, before he got too invested, that this might not be the life for him. That he could back out with no hard feelings and discover a ton of other options just waiting for someone like him.

Then, his uncanny knowledge of Royal Guard matters both public and highly top secret oh my god flushed that idea. Immediately after Papyrus’s first session, I found myself scrambling for a new plan of action.

I needed to know more. If I could learn more about him, maybe find out some of the things he liked to do, I could sort of… nudge him away from the Guard.

Maybe.

I was never good at subtlety, but it was worth a shot.

So, that week turned from “Let’s Learn About the Royal Guard” to “Let’s Learn About Papyrus Instead”—under the guise of teaching him more about the Guard, of course. One day, I took him for a tour of the castle grounds. The next, I showed him around the barracks. The day after, we grabbed a bite to eat at a popular Royal Guard pub in New Home. The whole time, I took a backseat during our conversations and let Papyrus do what Sans said he does best—talk about himself.

And, wouldn’t you know it, it worked.

“You’ll find that my magic is kind of like yours, Captain Undyne, in that it mostly takes the form of projectiles. You’ll also find that it’s not like yours in that it’s really popular with certain … canine types. I’m not sure why.”

“…So, there they were, trying to gang up on Sans. But then—and this is the best part, Captain Undyne—then came the Great Papyrus! Wham! Bam! Thank you, ma’am! We never saw those troublemakers again.”

“…And that was third time I had to swoop in and prevent a giant brawl. All because he was too lazy to give up his special seat at the bar. Can you believe that, Captain Undyne? Who knows what might’ve happened had the Great Papyrus not been there? Sheesh!”

Outside of his countless tales of personal heroism, (all of which held about as much water as Hotland), a common trend across Papyrus’s discussions was his brother…

“Let me be the first to apologize for Sans’s laziness, Captain Undyne. Once I become a Royal Guard, I swear I’ll work three times as hard to make up for his churning void of inactivity.”

…And that got me thinking. Clearly, Papyrus was the type who loved to do things for others. Sure, he complained when “others” meant “Sans”, but it was obvious he still got a kick out of it beneath all his grumbling. If I could steer him towards something like that… something like cooking… cleaning… some kind of job that allowed him to use his talents for the sake of others… then….

It was towards the end of the week that Papyrus gave me back the folder I loaned him.

“I’m sorry, Captain Undyne,” he said. “I read everything in here front-to-back, but I’m afraid I still couldn’t find the answer to your question. And while these conversations have been incredibly enlightening, they, too, have led me no closer to the truth.”

I chuckled. “Well, it’s not exactly an easy question.”

“To say the least. You’ve posed a real stickler, Captain Undyne. A puzzle capable of japing even me! But, if it means you’ll train me in Royal Guard combat, then the Great Papyrus will never give up.” He flashed a confident smile. “So, I talked to some of the Guards myself to see what they thought.”

As it turns out, during the times we weren’t hanging out, Papyrus was running around asking every damn Guard he could find what they thought it meant to be a Guard, and when he pulled out a list of responses that unfurled all the way to the ground, some teeny tiny part of me might have started to think that maybe there was a better way of doing this.

“Were… any of those the right answer, Captain Undyne?” Papyrus asked, once he had read off each and every one. “Don’t tell me it was ‘Bark’ the whole time. Otherwise, I may have to rethink my opinion of Lesser Dog.”

And although I had suddenly learned more about my own guards in the past hour than I had over years of working with them, all I could do was shrug. Papyrus still didn’t get it.

“P-permission to ask for a hint?” His face was the picture of disappointment.

“Do you get hints in the heat of battle?”

“…Yes?”

I shook my head with a laugh. “Chin up and keep working, Papyrus.”

* * *

That weekend, my routine patrol turned up some disturbing news. Papyrus refused to leave his house.

“Eh, sometime yesterday he started moping around. It got so bad, I actually had to go out and buy our groceries. He’s giving even my laziness a run for its money.” Sans’s signature grin only widened, as if this behavior of his brother’s wasn’t something incredibly worrying. “But I always knew he’d grow into his true calling. He’s kind of a late bloomer.”

With that frightening thought in mind, I marched myself right over Papyrus’s place and pounded on his front door. Once, twice, three times. Yet there was no answer.

“Papyrus?” I called. Still no response. Is he in his room? I rounded the back of the house and peered up. A shadow moved behind the second floor window of Papyrus’s bedroom. Bingo. I balled up a wad of snow in my gloves and tossed as lightly as I could. Sure enough, the hefty thump was loud enough to draw a bony white face to the glass.

“Captain Undyne?” Papyrus opened the window a smidge. “What are you doing here?”

“I should be asking you the same thing,” I said. “What’s going on? Sans says you’re being quite the lazybones.”

“What? That is not true!”

I shrugged. “Well, whatever it is, it’s weird and it worries me, so I’m not leaving until you come out.” He made as if to protest, but I cut him off. “Papyrus, I’m wearing four layers and am fully trained in survival tactics. Also, there’s a general store down the street. I will wait as long I have to.”

He couldn’t win, and I think he knew it. With a sigh that fogged up the glass, Papyrus disappeared from his window. Not a minute later, I heard the front door open, and I met him on the porch. Dude was a mess. I mean, dark circles under his eye sockets, definitely-did-not-sleep kind of mess. The whole thing gave me a prickle of déjà vu.

“You were thinking about that question again, weren’t you?”

Crossing his arms over his chest, Papyrus seemed to fold against the doorframe. “Captain Undyne, should I really be aiming for the Royal Guard, when I, apparently, don’t even know what a Royal Guard is?”

Oh. Oh boy. Here we go.

Well, it was what I wanted, wasn’t it?

But I didn’t think he’d be this upset!

He really put his all toward this, didn’t he?

What was I thinking?

I…

“Follow me,” I said. “Class is taking an emergency field trip.” When Papyrus didn’t budge, I pulled out my trump card. “Captain’s orders.”

* * *

At the garbage dump between Waterfall and Hotland, there’s a particular place I like to go to whenever life gets me down and I just need a good think. It’s a small hill overlooking the cascades made up of a bunch of appliances that have all rusted together into one big pile of Dog-only-knows what. It’s just close enough to the tourist-y parts to let me keep an eye on everyone while still far enough away to provide a little bit of peace. It’s where I first saw Alphys.

It’s also where I took Papyrus.

Carefully, I hoisted myself up onto what was left of a washing machine. Papyrus plopped down next to me and, staring at his lap, sat there absentmindedly kicking his legs in the air. You could practically see the rain cloud hovering over his head.

“Permission to ask…” He stopped himself. “Um, why are we at the dump, Captain Undyne?”

“So you can see what a Royal Guard is,” I said. “At least, to me.” That seemed to perk him up. He straightened slightly.

“What do you—”

“—Hey, close your eyes, listen for a bit, and tell me what you hear.”

Papyrus did so. “Well, okay. Let’s see … I hear the sounds of the river. I hear bits of trash falling into the water. Oh! I also hear the Great Papyrus.”

“Anything else?”

He listened again for a minute. “…Kids. I think I hear kids.”

Sure enough, a group of tiny voices—the usual crowd of mischief-makers; I could tell—gradually rose above the din of the dump.

“Whoa, check this thing out!”

“What is it?”

“It looks like one of those human game machines. Yeah, see? You use these buttons to move what’s on the screen.”

“Does it work?”

“I dunno. They probably wouldn’t have thrown it out if it did. I can ask my cousin. He knows all about this kind of stuff because he uses lightning magic.”

“But wait, we don’t have any games to go with it.”

“Oh yeah. Well, maybe there’s some nearby. Let’s keep looking.”

The kids carried on like that for a good while, buzzing with excitement over all the things they had found. It was only after they had gone did I turn to Papyrus again. “What do you make of that?”

“Sounds like they were having fun.”

I nodded. “Right? But isn’t it a little strange? I mean, think of where all this stuff came from.”

“…From humans,” said Papyrus.

“Exactly. The very things that killed our ancestors, drew us into an unwinnable war, and then stuffed us all into the Underground. The very things that, even though we haven’t seen one in-person for years—thank Dog—are still part of our society.” I held my arm out over the mountains of trash. “They’re in our classrooms, textbooks, and museums. They’re in our picture books, our TV shows, our homes. They’re even in the far corners of our dreams. For what it’s worth, those kids shouldn’t want to associate with this stuff at all. They should be scared of it. But they’re not. And you know why?” I stood up on the washing machine and gave Papyrus the best grin I could muster. “Because they know they don’t have to be; the Guard will protect them.” I took a breath. “There’s no telling how long we’ll be stuck down here, so the best thing we can do is make sure everyone sleeps soundly today without having nightmares about tomorrow. That, to me, is a Royal Guard: someone who keeps even boogiemen away.”

Papyrus had grown quiet. I wasn’t sure if he was just listening—or if he was surprised, stunned into silence, or what—but his expression, unreadable though it might have been, told me he was hinging on my every word. So, I went on.

“You see, you can memorize facts and protocol until your brain bleeds, master every fighting style known to monster, work your way up to a spot higher than that of even the King … but it all means jack if it doesn’t serve a purpose; if you don’t have a reason, a goal, something that gets you up in the morning and pushes you to do what you do even when every fiber in your body is telling you to stop. For a Royal Guard, well, that’s what makes a Royal Guard.” I gave him a nudge with my elbow. “And that is something you have to define for yourself, Papyrus. Nobody else can tell you the answer.”

Having said what I wanted to say, I took a breath and let my words sink in. Before Papyrus got too involved, before he decided to throw his life—his goodness—out into an uncaring world, I needed him to fully understand: A Royal Guard is what he makes of it…but it shouldn’t be about the gear, the status, the parties, the semi-legal ability to use semi-lethal force… It should be something greater than himself, greater than even the Great Papyrus.

“I’ve got it.” Papyrus’s voice wrenched me from my thoughts. “I know what a Royal Guard is!” He stood up and, once again striking that dorky pose with his hands on his hips, proclaimed to the Underground, “A Royal Guard is someone who makes the world a little safer for those who are small and don’t have a lot of HP!”

That… was quick. I whistled through my fangs. “Nice! I dig it. A ‘protect the weak’ kind of person? That’s totally you, Papyrus!”

He fidgeted and flushed straight to his forehead. “W-well, I don’t know if I’d necessarily say ‘weak’. On the contrary, Sa—”

Unfortunately, the sudden addition of Papyrus’s full weight, coupled with his now excited jitteriness, had loosened the washing machine’s age-old hold on the mountain of trash. With the explosive creaking of corroded metal, our former seat sent us tumbling to the ground atop an avalanche of household appliances.

Again, like I said before, skeletons are just as durable as they are persistent. Fortunately, the same can be said of fish as well. Soaked in nasty water and garbage, and surrounded by a mob of concerned onlookers, we laughed and laughed until we realized our guts hurt not from laughter but from possible internal bleeding.

* * *

As we walked back from the dump that day—two bruised and bandaged peas in a pod—Papyrus had his head tilted to the sky, and his steps seemed doubly as sure of themselves. Yet, watching him saunter about in that overblown stride of his, I got the strangest sense that, for the first time in a long time, Papyrus had finally, truly begun to relax.

Now, if only he could teach me how to do that.

Not gonna lie, I was still worried about him. Like some neurotic, different-species mother, I knew deep down I was gonna worry about him and that brilliant goodness of his ‘til the day I was six feet under. But, I also knew that if I stuck to him like glue, if I became the best Captain I could be…

No, wait, scratch that last bit…—

“Hey, Papyrus? Before we start your training proper, I need you to do one last thing for me.”

“Oh, I don’t know if I’m ready for another tough question just yet, Captain Undyne.”

“It’s not that, ya dork. I need you call me ‘Undyne’. No more of this ‘Captain’ stuff, okay?”

“…”

“Remember what I said? Formalities get in the way of getting to know people. I mean, unless you call all your friends ‘Captain’ because, if so…”

“What?! No, not at all! It’s just, you really want to be my… friend?”

“Why not? I think we make a pretty cool team.”

“B-but I’m not a Guardsman yet! I haven’t been trained in honorable combat! I haven’t even—”

“—Papyrus.”

“Yes, Capta-, er, Undyne?”

“Permission to be your friend?”

“P-p-p-p-permission granted!!”

…—If I became the best Friend I could be…Then, maybe, I wouldn’t have to worry about him quite as much.

[mikemortgage]

From Hawkesbury to Estevan, documents show towns to be hit hardest by automation

HAWKESBURY, Ont. — Sitting around a table with fellow Steelworkers, Steve Berniquez starts listing companies that once stood in and around Hawkesbury, a small Ontario town an hour’s drive east of Ottawa.

When he mentions Canadian International Pulp and Paper, everybody nods. Its mill closed in 1982 and that was a bad one, more than 400 jobs gone at once.

“We had how many mills around here where everybody could work? Now we don’t have anything else,” Berniquez says, leaning back in his chair. “They’re not coming back to us.”

If federal calculations are accurate, automation and technological advances could make the local situation worse in the coming years, with Hawkesbury, a town of about 10,000, hit harder than any other city in Ontario.

An internal government presentation from last August listed Hawkesbury as having the largest share of workers at high risk of being affected by automation. The chart in the lengthy presentation to a group of deputy ministers went province by province with the municipalities that were facing the same fate: Bay Roberts, N.L.; Summerside, P.E.I.; New Glasgow, N.S.; Winkler, Man.; Estevan, Sask.; Quesnel, B.C.; and Brooks, Alta.

Also on the list was Lachute, Que., across the Ottawa River from Hawkesbury.

Federal officials expect that rural areas and small towns will feel the biggest negative effects of automation, as well as regions “dependent on high-risk sectors like manufacturing or mining,” while gains from technological advances accrue to large urban centres.

“Less-educated local workforces mean that rural areas and small towns are less likely to seize the economic opportunities presented by new technologies,” reads the August presentation, a copy of which The Canadian Press obtained under the access-to-information law. “Less-diversified local economies mean that rural areas and small towns are less likely to adapt if incumbent sectors and businesses are disrupted.”

The steelworkers who considered the past, present and future of Hawkesbury on a snowy spring day estimated about one-third of manufacturing jobs that disappeared in the town over the past 30 years could be attributed to technological changes.

Among the recent examples was an automated packing machine that replaced two workers in one plant, and a “magic eye” that does quality control instead of a handful of workers. Three years ago, 100 workers lost their jobs when a local warehouse decided to automate work.

Berniquez has seen it. He works in the next-door village of L’Orignal, in the melt shop at Ivaco Rolling Mills, which makes wire rod and steel billets — semi-finished products that go on for further processing elsewhere. Earlier this month, the company announced it will lay off 50 people of the 538 who work there, most directly because of the tariffs the United States has put on Canadian steel imports.

Automation, punishing tariffs and now additional costs from the federal carbon tax in Ontario have left steel and aluminum companies in the town in a bind, the workers say.

But Berniquez isn’t ready to throw in the towel, nor would he considering moving to another town for work. He said it’s not how he was raised. “We need to protect what we’ve got,” he said.

As manufacturing declined, the town has found new sources of employment. More health-care jobs have flowed into town thanks to the local hospital, the steelworkers say, and, according to the latest census figures, the local service sector employs the largest share of workers in the town.

“These folks are making the (local) economy work,” said Richard Leblanc, the area co-ordinator for the United Steelworkers union. “We focus a lot on these big manufacturers that have gone, but some of that has been replaced.”

How quickly towns like Hawkesbury have to adapt is unclear. The government presentation notes that Canadian firms traditionally have low takeup rates of new technology. There is also uncertainty around how quickly new technology will come available and the breadth of its impact on any number of professions, including doctors and accountants.

A report this month from the Brookfield Institute suggested there are few easy answers for workers who want to know what training courses they should take to prepare. The report, produced to help a federal organization studying future skills needs, said a key problem is that the country lacks a “holistic, detailed, and actionable forecast of in-demand skills.”

“A complex array of changes could impact employment over the next 10 to 15 years. Some, such as population aging, are well understood, while others, such as technological change, present a high degree of uncertainty,” the report said. “When these changes interact, uncertainty expands, making it challenging to predict the future of Canada’s labour market, and more specifically, what skills will be most in-demand.”

The federal Liberals’ latest budget promised $1.7 billion in spending to provide a training tax credit and employment insurance benefits to cover wages during time away from work. The steelworkers questioned how low-income workers will be able to afford the upfront costs of programs and worried about time off from companies where training time is at a minimum because staff are stretched thin.

The spending in the 2019 budget comes after billions more, over three previous federal budgets, aimed at helping workers prepare for the tectonic digital shifts in the labour market, and help those in the workforce stay there later into life.

Hawkesbury’s future is more clouded because so many younger workers have gone off to college and university and moved away. In fact, nearby Ottawa and Gatineau, Que., have the lowest shares of at-risk workers in their respective provinces, based on the Finance Department calculations.

David Bruneault stayed in Hawkesbury as friends got higher educations, eventually landing jobs as teachers or physiotherapists down the highway in the capital. The 34-year-old went into manufacturing, but says he’s willing to take a retraining course to learn to do something else.

“You don’t want to be left with nothing,” Bruneault said. “I’m thinking about it a lot more now, too, because everything is uncertain.”

— Follow @jpress on Twitter

from Financial Post http://bit.ly/2GcwodV via IFTTT Blogger Mortgage Tumblr Mortgage Evernote Mortgage Wordpress Mortgage href="https://www.diigo.com/user/gelsi11">Diigo Mortgage

[lindyhunt]

29 of the Best Office Pranks & Practical Jokes to Use at Work

If you've watched the TV show "The Office" as religiously as I have, the classic "stapler in Jell-O" trick surely sounds familiar. It's pretty much what the name describes: Simply make a batch of Jell-O, but make sure your colleague's stapler is hidden inside the mold.

It's a classic prank. But what other, less conventional pranks are out there to add some kicks to an otherwise average day at the office?

We asked our friends and combed the internet for more examples of some of the funniest office pranks, and pulled together this list to serve as inspiration for your own work pranks.

Every company has a story about that funny office prank of yore. Whether you're doing some early April Fool's Day research, or just feeling a little tricksy, it's time to get a prank of your own in the books. Here are some ideas.

Funny Office Pranks to Pull on Your Coworkers

1. Caramel Onions

When Halloween is around the corner, these caramel onions are no match for other tricks (or treats). Dip each onion in caramel -- maybe some red food coloring first, if you need to further disguise them -- and stick popsicle sticks down the center. Your colleagues won't know the difference, but they will wonder why these caramel apples are making them cry so much ...

Source: Rant Lifestyle

2. Nicolas Cage Toilet Seat

Speaking of Halloween, here's what nightmares are truly made of. Nicolas Cage is easy to come by in the meme community these days. Print a picture of him at his most, well, enthusiastic -- and allow him to greet everyone who takes a bathroom break.

Source: Rant Lifestyle

3. Fish Drawer

There's something fishy about this office prank ... Just be sure to include fish food; experts suggest you should feed this prank twice a day.

Source: Reddit user jihadaze

4. Pants in the Stall

Usually, when you see feet underneath the stall, you just have to wait your turn. In this case, you might be waiting forever. Set this guy up in your office bathroom and see how long it takes for people to start talking. We just hope nobody called the paramedics on this poor, empty suit.

Source: BuzzFeed

5. Febreze for Days

Tighten the zip-tie, throw it, and run for your life. Or, leave it in your coworker's office when they're on break. They're sure to return to a potent workspace.

Source: Emlii

6. Vehicular Sticky Notes

This is the perfect use for those sticky notes that keep piling up -- especially if they're all for someone who just won't finish his or her tasks. The prank below is a wonderful way to remind them before they take off for the day.

Source: Reddit, Bzbzbzbz

7. Misspelling Macro

Never ask your work buddy to unlock your iPhone for you, or they'll make you look like the worst speller of all time when you go to type a text or email. Settings > General > Keyboard > Add new shortcut will make this prank a reality against your most detail-oriented colleague.

Source: Gottabemobile

8. Foghorn Entrance

Haven't you ever wanted to get a room's attention the second you walk through the door? Well, the prank below will even get the person entering to stand up straight. This is certainly one way to make sure everyone's alert before a meeting.

Source: Reddit user JJ0EE

9. Ballooned Conference

Hey, at least it's not glitter? This prank works two ways: You can either surprise the next team who reserves this room, or have a day-long meeting in here without anyone knowing your business. You will of course have some static electricity when you exit the room.

Source: Reddit, williebeth

10. Desk Trolls

For trolls, by trolls. Luckily, you can buy many of these trolls in bulk. Click here if you're serious about trolling your coworker's workstation -- just keep in mind you will have to buy more than one pack of trolls to make this stunt worth it.

Source: Dose

11. Water Works

Oh look, a budget trip to the beach. This prank gives a whole new meeting to the term, "staycation." Surprise your coworker when he/she comes back from a beach getaway with, well, another beach getaway. The downside is it'll be nothing like where they were. The upside is they won't need a towel.

Source: Imgur user Sanjeev

12. Anti-Gravity Desk

"That's it -- you're suspended." Just make sure the person who arrives in the morning to a floating desk doesn't try to sit down ...

Source: Daily Mail

13. Nailed the Cake

Hey everyone, there's cake up for grabs in the kitchen! The prank, however, is written in frosting. This is a good gesture to someone who loves the expression, "needle in a haystack." Happy hunting.

Source: Reddit user blinhorst

14. Psychedelic Supervision

"I don't know, I feel like my boss is always watching me," your coworker might say. Change their perception of micromanagement when this colorful prank. Suddenly a "quick checkin" doesn't seem all that bad.

Source: Imgur user DecentLeaf

15. Voice Toast

Simple, yet brilliant. Change the terms of breakfast ever so slightly, and the kitchen becomes the most confusing room in the office. This little note pranks the entire office -- a true masterpiece of prank-dom.

Source: Tumblr

16. Work From Home

As Ron Burgundy from Anchorman says, "I'm not even mad. I'm just impressed." Help your coworker who loves taking his/her work home, take their home to work instead. As you can tell, you might need to stay late the night before to get this prank just right.

Source: Reddit user BOOMTimebomb

17. You've Been 'Felined'

This could actually make your cat-loving coworker's day. Or, it could make for the greatest prank of all time against the coworker who's violently allergic to cats (that is, as long as they're not allergic to photos of cats, too).

Source: Reddit user cstyves

18. The Seedboard

Work with your IT department to fertilize this prank perfectly. Soon enough, its user will wonder why their keyboard is growing. We suggest targeting someone who sits close to the window -- some pranks just need some sunlight. "You said you wanted to spend more time with nature," you might say in your defense.

Source: BoredPanda

19. Healthy Creme

Who said you couldn't be helpful while also being a prankster? "The bad news is we're out of donuts. The good news is you have all these nutritious alternatives to help your immune system cope with the lack of donuts."

  This is just cruel 😂 #officeprank #aprilfools #krispykreme #mean #notcool

A post shared by Free Humor (@scotchandsarcasm) on May 12, 2017 at 12:02pm PDT

20. The Ceilings Have Eyes

You could freak out just looking at the photo of this horrifying prank. It might be a little too much for your jumpiest colleague, but for the person who can't stop talking about scary movies, it's just the revenge you deserve. (Hint: paper mache, white paint, and a black wig. Done.)

Source: Tumblr

21. Chair Scare

Similar to the Entrance Foghorn (prank #8, above), this prank will probably scare more than just the person who sits down. Of course, it'll be a lesson to anyone who, I suppose, tries to sit too low at their desk.

Source: Reddit user 12q9et

Funny Pranks to Pull on Your Boss

22. No Stalling

For the man who never has enough time. Or, for the coworker who takes way too many bathroom breaks during the day. Prank them with their very own throne the next time nature calls.

  Accounting is getting their toilet replaced, so we decided to play a little #prank on my boss before they install it #officeprank #workingefficiently #multitasking

A post shared by Alice (@alicetaywong) on Jul 17, 2015 at 4:33pm PDT

23. No Stalling: Pt. 2

... Or anyone, really, who never has enough time to make a pit stop -- especially if they have specific bathroom decor preferences.

Source: 22words

24. Glitter Bomb

About that whole, "At least it's not glitter" thing in prank #9? Well, this prank can't make that promise. For the coworkers who don't yet know the permanence of getting glitter on yourself, this prank is sure to set them straight.

25. Substitute Worker

Sometimes, you're not sure how to ask for another day off. For those days where you simply can't come into work, but don't have the heart to call out again, the doll who looks just like you is the perfect substitute. Or, just put 'em at your colleague's desk and give them a much-needed identity crisis.

  Morning after that long weekend.. think they'll notice? Back to that #workgrind #mondaysbelike #struggleisreal #readyfortheweekend #officeprank bringing the #laughs😂

A post shared by L Weaver (@elleweav) on May 30, 2017 at 5:54am PDT

26. Crushed It

When you finally learn about your colleague's celebrity crush, make sure they know how much you care.

  #officeprank

A post shared by Alice Lei (@alicerabbit1) on Aug 1, 2015 at 4:04pm PDT

27. World's 'Best' Boss

When words just aren't enough to express your sentiment, give your manager the perfect way to say "thank you" every time they go to take a sip of coffee.

  Thanks @mg2418 and @p2theslingshot for the birthday mug! Love you guys! #smartass #birthday #officeprank #fridayfun #coffee #coffeetime #middlefinger

A post shared by David Miclette (@davidmiclette) on Apr 28, 2017 at 5:54am PDT

28. Cup o' Spiders

"Hey chief, I found a spider on your desk, but don't worry, it's been handled." This prank doesn't have to have an actual spider in it -- the mystery, alone, is all you need to prank your employee.

  #tbt to when I did a simple, but cruel joke to my co-worker. I'm just now realizing I may be the reason she left... oops. :p #officeprank #scaredofspiders #donotmove #loveyoumeanit

A post shared by Devan Harrold (@devanalyse) on Apr 27, 2017 at 8:41pm PDT

29. That's a Wrap

And finally, for the boss who has everything, it's the gift that keeps on giving.

Source: Giphy

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