#thank you for sending this ask. it means something that you value my friendship enough to want to know | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

myanondiary · 19 days ago

Text

4/8/25, 2:16 PM - Messages and calls are end-to-end encrypted. Only people in this chat can read, listen to, or share them. Learn more.

4/8/25, 2:16 PM - : Heya Happy Aries Birthday to you! Hope you fulljoy your day

4/8/25, 2:21 PM - Michema Duggins: Thank you!

4/11/25, 2:54 PM - Michema Duggins: Hey would you need the drone this weekend still?

4/11/25, 5:42 PM - : I'm not finished...if I gave a definite date that was my bad

4/11/25, 5:45 PM - Michema Duggins: Yeah you said around this weekend but that’s no problem

4/17/25, 6:15 AM - Michema Duggins: Hi Sasha,

I’ve been meaning to reach out, but I wanted to ensure I expressed myself thoughtfully. I value our friendship and wouldn’t to say anything to offend you.

I wanted to revisit the mural situation. When you first asked why I hadn’t visited yet, I thought you were joking, so I responded lightly. It wasn’t until you clarified that I realized it mattered to you, and I regret not recognizing that sooner. I tried to explain my reasons, but I may not have conveyed the full picture. And At the time it didn’t seem like you wanted to explain further.

The truth is, I’ve been overwhelmed, juggling multiple projects, school, my business and just personal commitments. I’ve been feeling burnt out since Chicago, and it’s been affecting my ability to keep up with everything. I even discussed this in therapy because I felt terrible about how things unfolded between us. My therapist was able to show me how I was being unfair to myself because I didn’t even consider these things I had going on as factors.

On my birthday, I noticed some distance from you, which made me reflect on our previous conversations about birthdays. It felt intentional, and that hurt, especially since I do value birthdays. None of us are guaranteed another one. Because of this I didn’t visit the mural after my birthday l planned because I know it would’ve been awkward for me and I don’t think it would’ve been appropriate to bring this up at a mural visit.

I understand that my absence at the mural upset you, but I want you to know it wasn’t intentional. I hope we can talk about this and find a way to move forward.

( You don’t have to talk/ respond now because I’m sure you have a lot going on, I just chose to send this at a convenient time for me)

4/18/25, 8:07 PM - : Hey Michema,

I appreciate the message. I also wanted to make sure I express myself thoughtfully and throughly, hence my delay in responding and the very long message ahead.

It's not that it was said jokingly. It's just that I didn't expect to hear all the reasons why you _couldn't_ support me during such a pivotal moment in my art career. I know you're busy, so if you had said something along the lines of "Girl, I've been so busy and haven't had a chance to pass by yet, but I will" vs saying "It's not on my route 🙂" — STUNG. You tried to explain further, but like I said then, it sounded like a huge inconvenience for you to show up for five seconds, and that hurts, especially because love _is_ an inconvenience, and I've put myself in such situations to be there for you. But you know what? I decided to let it go because I really did understand your reasons.

But then, you showed up the day after in your pajamas, snapped a picture (for WhatsApp, not even IG), then left. It felt rushed and unplanned (which isn't like you at all) and was very performative. The more I thought about it, the weirder it made me feel. But again, I decided to let it go and replied to your snap to cut any awkwardness and show appreciation for you at least making it despite the reasons you shared then, and now in this message, why you couldn't earlier.

Then you started posting about your birthday. You had enough time to plan to leave St. Kitts for a weekend with no mention of it to me. My birthday greeting was a bit dry, not intentionally, but to avoid having to talk further and risk bringing up my feelings about everything that could've possibly ruined your happy weekend. But that, in addition to everything else in that one week (among other instances), revealed to me that we're not as close as we say we are, and I've been sitting on those feelings ever since.

That's when I realized you actually haven't been _there_ during this mural journey at all. Support from friends and strangers alike has ranged from genuine social media engagement and sweet supportive messages to interest in receiving personal updates about the process from the very beginning. People passing by have shown support through honks and hails while others have physically shown up to keep me company or provide help. Some have even brought drinks and food while I was working, which meant a lot cause funds have been low as you know. Did you know that even Revoy passed by and asked if I wanted to eat or drink earlier that day because he saw me there? I was caught off guard and didn't say yes, and while it was odd coming from him, that was still _support_.

The whole mural journey has been surreal, and you haven't been a part of it in any capacity. It's sad to think about, but I think it provided clarity that maybe we're not in the same place anymore when it comes to this friendship. Especially because, unfortunately, this isn't the first time I've felt unsupported, disregarded, or dismissed. There have been many instances where I've chosen our friendship over my own discomfort with something you've said or done. This may seem random because I've repeatedly convinced myself that I was just being too sensitive or just overthinking things, so I chose to let it go time and again instead of voicing them to you. I now recognize that I've been diminishing my own needs to preserve a friendship that has fundamentally changed.

Given all of this, I still care for you and don't wish for any animosity between us, but we need to adjust the boundaries of our friendship and our expectations of each other. This isn't about temporary space, it's acknowledging that the dynamics of our relationship have changed, and that's okay. I hope we can still be on good terms if and when we encounter each other.

4/19/25, 7:50 AM - Michema Duggins: This message was deleted

4/19/25, 9:01 AM - Michema Duggins: Hi Sasha, thanks for responding.

I’m glad this created space for some open dialogue. That said, there were some strong claims in your message, and I think it’s best I respond in stages to ensure I address them carefully and clearly.

Starting with the mural situation:

Thanks for clarifying that your initial message wasn’t a joke. As I mentioned before, my response at the time wasn’t ideal, but I don’t think sharing the reasons why I hadn’t been able to visit was wrong. You asked if i can’t visit stop and hail you initially and then you went on to why you asked that and I tried to answer with honesty and context. When I began explaining, you made me feel like I was over-explaining, saying you didn’t need all of that, just wanted me to say that I was coming. But all I was just doing is providing context on why I couldn't just pass and hail.

You mentioned it seemed like a huge inconvenience to me, and while I understand how it came off, I did try in that moment to explain myself sincerely. I also want to gently note that in our friendship, both of us have made sacrifices to show up for each other. While I respect that you may have felt unsupported in this instance, it felt unfair to imply you’ve always been the one doing the showing up. I’ve made space for you in my life and capacity, even when it wasn’t always easy, because our friendship matters to me.

On the night I visited:

You said my visit seemed rushed, unplanned, and performative. I understand that’s how it felt to you, but to say that’s what it was removes space for my perspective, and that felt hurtful. You said it didnt seem like me at all and You’re right because it was unplanned. I genuinely didn’t expect to see you that night. I was exhausted that day and I realized I didn’t cook dinner, revoy offered to get me food. Then he offered the drive which I was quite literally forced to take. Despite being clearly undressed and was not the most comfortable and had no intentions of leaving the car, I got out of the car and greeted you because I knew that would mean something after the earlier conversation. That moment wasn’t performative, it was a tired friend trying to do the right thing in the little capacity she had with the opportunity presented to her.

You also mentioned that I only posted to WhatsApp, not Instagram. I didn’t think one platform was more meaningful than the other, and I still had my initial plans of visiting the mural at a better time where you were still working during the day to get better content for IG. The mural wasn’t a checklist for me, it was something I still planned to show love for properly. A quick message would have cleared that up, and it’s worth noting at that time I was under the impression we had already moved forward.

Regarding my birthday:

When you wrote, “And you started posting about your birthday,” it felt like I was being judged for celebrating. That made me uncomfortable. Are you implying I shouldn’t post about my birthday because I wasn’t able to show up and post you? You went on to further say I had enough time to plan to leave st kitts and made no mention of it to you. That was a very strong claim to make with absolutely no context. I didn’t plan my birthday trip. I was surprised with a trip to Nevis. The only thing I did for my birthday was take a day off on Friday which I actually told you about and let you know I was going to be in town that day. I did a nail appointment,which took longer than expected. So long that I missed a boat that I didn’t know was planned and scheduled for me. When Révoy picked me up he broke the surprise because of me missing the boat I knew nothing about. We went straight to the peninsula after town. My suitcase was already packed in the car. I did nothing but go to town that day with one plan. And if you need receipts for that from conversations of people asking me what I did or planned for my birthday I can provide that.

But even if I had planned it, are you suggesting I didn’t deserve to celebrate my birthday because I hadn’t shown up for you how you wanted me to? Or that I owed you a play-by-play of my plans without you showing interest? You never asked about my plans and you saw my posts and instead of “well hey girl I didn’t know you were going Nevis” you just assumed and speculated. And more importantly it seemed like you had a problem with me pouring into myself because I was unable to pour into you the way you wanted me to. Even if it wasn’t a birthday weekend there is absolutely nothing wrong with me finding the time to plan something for myself because at very bare minimum I should take care of myself first because I could even tackle showing up for anyone. That was a poor take. As a friend, I would’ve appreciated curiosity instead of assumptions. You never asked me what I was doing for my birthday. You saw posts and made conclusions.

About the birthday message:

You admitted the message was dry but said it wasn’t intentional yet explained it was dry because you didn’t want to open the door to a deeper conversation. That, to me, is intentional. You made a conscious choice to withhold warmth on my birthday to avoid discussing how you felt. When you mention you wanted to avoid talking further and risk bringing up your feelings. My question is why would you? Why would you bring up your feelings while wishing me happy birthday. Why would that be even a thought on my birthday. Also, when you said you didn’t want to talk further or bring up your feelings to avoid “ruining my happy weekend” I have to be honest, that line felt unnecessarily sharp. The tone came off as harsh, almost like my happiness was something to tiptoe around or be resented. If that wasn’t your intention, I understand. But that’s how it landed. It seems like you’re telling me that you’re so unable to put your feelings to the side to properly greet me / show interest.. on my birthday. I don’t understand why you would make anything about you on that day in particular. And while I understand wanting to protect your peace, it felt like my birthday became a casualty of unspoken resentment. That stung, especially from someone I consider a close friend.

I say all this not to attack but to express how this all made me feel. Because based on this message you were harboring resentment from my lack of support / unplanned visit and you didn’t know how to articulate that to me. And those feelings rolled over into my birthday and on my birthday you speculated further instead of communicating. Then you made my birthday weekend the catalyst that revealed to you that we were not as close friends as you think we are.

About the mural journey

You also mentioned feeling unsupported during your mural journey, that I wasn’t present or didn’t show up in any meaningful way. I want to acknowledge that if my actions didn’t reflect the kind of support you needed, I understand your disappointment. But to say I didn’t show support in any form simply isn’t true. Support is subjective, and while it’s clear that public acknowledgment and a physical visit to the mural were important to you, I showed up in the ways I could at the time.

From our conversations about the mural before it even started, to offering suggestions on logistics when you started, to offering my home as a place to cool off while I was away, to coming from an 8+ hr traveling day and telling you not to catch a bus, I’ll take you to town to the mural. Checking in during the week, having conversations about the mural plus other projects you’re working on. Even offering a sponsor video for the mural reveal. All of that was support, it might not have been the only support you wanted but it was support nonetheless. I didn’t know that a social media post and showing up physically was the only form of support that would’ve counted, and I also don’t think it’s fair to compare our long-standing friendship to the validation from strangers.

I understand wanting more or needing support to look a certain way but that needs to be communicated, not held in. I can’t improve on something I’m unaware of.

You also brought up that this wasn’t the first time you felt unsupported, disregarded, or dismissed. I’m truly sorry that I’ve made you feel that way it was never my intention. But I think it’s only fair to acknowledge that I’ve experienced similar feelings at times too.

There’s even a running joke between us that you’re not the best person to lean on emotionally, and you’ve admitted that you sometimes struggle with being receptive or fully present when others need support. That hasn’t made me love you any less, but it has shaped how I’ve learned to manage my own expectations within our friendship. I’ve made peace with certain limits in how we show up for each other, and I’ve often sought support elsewhere when needed, out of understanding not resentment.

That’s why it hurts to now feel like all of that grace and understanding hasn’t been extended to me. This entire situation feels rooted in unmet needs, miscommunication, and assumptions, assumptions that could’ve been cleared up much earlier with a conversation.

What’s also difficult is that this dialogue only happened because I reached out. To know that resentment had been building for so long with no effort to open a space for us to talk about it, it’s disheartening. I’m sure you didn’t intend for it to grow this way, but the distance, the silence, and then the tone of your message felt like a culmination of things I wasn’t even aware of.

As I mentioned before, I’m navigating a very intense period in my life and career right now. What I’m working on is also pivotal for me, and while I’m not comparing the weight of either project, I do think it’s worth noting that not once in your message did you acknowledge what I’ve been managing or how it may have affected my capacity.

Despite all of this, I still care about you and our friendship. I do believe there’s space for us to move forward, but only if there’s reflection on both sides. We have different needs and ways of showing love and support and that’s okay but clear and honest communication will always matter more than assumptions or silence.

4/19/25, 9:11 AM - : Before I read further, I want to say that you are absolutely in your right to celebrate your birthday. Mentioning that bit in my message was a segue into saying we may not be as close as we say we are. I thought I was clear in how I worded it, but I see that I was wrong. I'm the person who always says to focus on you before you focus on anyone else. Your birthday is yours - not mine. It was to highlight a pattern of us not being as close as we say we are. <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 9:19 AM - : I can't hide my feelings, you know this. I couldn't fake warmth even if I wanted to, but allowing the day to pass without saying anything would've been worse because we know birthdays mean alot. I felt like I was pulling teeth to just message you cause I was clearly hurt about your actions prior, but I had to put my emotions aside to message and share a greeting. Me saying I didn't want to ruin your happy weekend was literally just that. It shows that, despite I'm not feeling the best about our friendship right now, your birthday weekend isn't the time for me to bring it up. In reality, I was putting you above me and my feelings. I thought that was worded clear as well, but I see you perceived it differently.

4/19/25, 9:32 AM - : Mural:

Offering your place as a cool down while you were away, felt more about ensuring your car was able to be fixed than me having the space especially because it had to take me and Nick both to get it to Raheem.

You taking me town to the mural was a carpool situation. You were already on the way. As you said, you guys were getting lunch. It made sense as we were both heading in the same direction. I also thought you would've swung by after eating /grabbing food, but you didn't.

Hmm, I won't say we had that much conversation about the mural process and you checking in on me when it started - but that's subjective.

Volunteering your services would've been the _close friend_ thing to do. I asked because it didn't occur to me, and the first thing you said is that you can't sponsor. We eventually landed on a drone shot at the end, and tbh while you didn't say this, it felt like a job to you still, so I considered giving you change for it still. However, since then, a couple photographers have willingly taken pictures of me down there because, in their words, they love what I'm doing. Someone with a drone asked to come by when I'm finished as well. It would've been so nice if you had offered.

Highlighting the support I received from strangers was to provide a comparison. Now that I've shared my bit about it earlier in this message, you'd see why, to me, your support was lacking. Do note, support from friends locally and abroad that I've known way less than you have provided support as well and was wrapped up in that general message.

4/19/25, 9:38 AM - : You're right, I only shared my piece because you messaged because I knew if I opened dialogue, we'll be right here - sending long paragraphs throughout the day, emotions all over the place. This isn't the space I wanted to be in when I have a mural to finish, so I said I'll just bring it up after. And truthfully, if you had messaged me like everything was alright, I would've continued it as well. But time kept passing because I didn't message you. That happened alot.

4/19/25, 9:39 AM - : I did acknowledge how busy you've been recently and that I understood. In the initial messages about the mural and the one I sent yesterday.

4/19/25, 9:42 AM - Michema Duggins: Thank you for acknowledging that. The birthday message seemed very nasty.

It noticeable to didn’t acknowledge your assumption and conclusion on how I planned and did my birthday.

4/19/25, 9:42 AM - Michema Duggins: That was blantant lie on me and you did not acknowledge or apologize for that.

4/19/25, 9:43 AM - : What I didn't acknowledge? <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 9:43 AM - : The whole weekend passed and you still didn't tell me...

4/19/25, 9:43 AM - : You normally send me pictures from your trips

4/19/25, 9:43 AM - Michema Duggins: You said I found time to plan a whole birthday and told you nothing about it.

4/19/25, 9:43 AM - Michema Duggins: That was not the case

4/19/25, 9:44 AM - Michema Duggins: Also you did acknowledge how that could’ve been cleared up with a question or a message

4/19/25, 9:44 AM - : Okay, I retract the planned statement - but everything else stands

4/19/25, 9:45 AM - : I could say the same to you here as well. If you felt my message was dry, you could've pull me up on it

4/19/25, 9:45 AM - : But instead daysss pass <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 9:46 AM - Michema Duggins: You’re right youre not the best at hiding your feelings. And that it how I knew we had a problem based on your birthday weekend and lack of presence.

This was not something I was aware of.

You intentially gave me a dry birthday weekend greeting based on your feelings at the time.

Yes it wouldvr been worse not to say anything but you say doing that and not providing any context afterwards. Didn’t had to be on my birthday is unfair to me. Cause I’m now on my end thinking we’ve move past this not knowing that we haven’t

4/19/25, 9:47 AM - Michema Duggins: And I was left to navigate that

4/19/25, 9:48 AM - Michema Duggins: Because the unplanned trip visit did not occure as an issue to me what’s so ever.

In my mind the initial conversation we had still stand and I still had my plans to visit like I said I would.

4/19/25, 9:49 AM - : You're still perceiving it incorrectly

4/19/25, 9:49 AM - Michema Duggins: No communication = miscommunication

This was an issue on your end. I was totally unaware of.

4/19/25, 9:49 AM - : But not much I can do for your understanding. I was clear in my messaging.

4/19/25, 9:49 AM - : But I'll allow you to read the others and provide your insight

4/19/25, 9:50 AM - Michema Duggins: I never asked you to handle my car situation until the day of my flight

In fact I left the key in the car for Raheem to drive

I never made it you or nick’s responsibility

All I did was alerted you that he will come for the car so he doesn’t startle you

4/19/25, 9:50 AM - Michema Duggins: It wasn’t until the day I was coming home Raheem told me he was unable to come for the car and then I asked you

4/19/25, 9:51 AM - : Raheem called Nick and had no interest in going inside your house for some reason so I'm not sure it would've happened hadn't I had the key

4/19/25, 9:51 AM - Michema Duggins: That wasnt your responsibility and we never agreed initially for you to arrange that for me. <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 9:51 AM - Michema Duggins: That is a lie

4/19/25, 9:51 AM - Michema Duggins: The car key was in the car

4/19/25, 9:51 AM - : The part was in your house?

4/19/25, 9:52 AM - Michema Duggins: Raheem didn’t needed to go in the house until the day of because Révoy made it known he did not put car part in the car.

And when I realized this that is when I told Raheem he stop by when you’re there which is what I kept harassing him to do.

4/19/25, 9:52 AM - Michema Duggins: It was never you guys responsibility

4/19/25, 9:53 AM - Michema Duggins: I never made it yall responsiblity

It was only on the day of me returning home I realize he didn’t do it and Raheem called Nick without my knows <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 9:53 AM - Michema Duggins: Knowledge

4/19/25, 9:53 AM - Michema Duggins: I never mentioned Nick to him I said you’d be there

4/19/25, 9:53 AM - Michema Duggins: And I told him the time you were

4/19/25, 9:53 AM - Michema Duggins: Again

4/19/25, 9:54 AM - Michema Duggins: This could’ve been cleared up with a question or message

4/19/25, 9:57 AM - Michema Duggins: So you implying me offering my house was me trying to get my car is simply untrue. We never made such arrangements. I needed that favor the very day I was travelling home. I had to work out something before I was home which is why I asked if you guys can do it <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 9:57 AM - Michema Duggins: I was not happy

4/19/25, 9:57 AM - Michema Duggins: And i expressed that to you

4/19/25, 9:58 AM - : That's all understandable but given that, I didn't feel the appreciation. In fact, you said something along the lines of not caring wa we do with the car. My heart sunk really but I figure you were just more annoyed at him, however, not acknowledging my sacrifice to get your car to him etc would've been nice to hear instead.

4/19/25, 9:59 AM - Michema Duggins: Excuse me

You just lied on me.

4/19/25, 9:59 AM - Michema Duggins: You just said I let you in my house to handle a car situation that I left for someone else.

4/19/25, 9:59 AM - : Let's refrain from saying one of us are lying. We could just merely say we're recalling it differently

4/19/25, 10:00 AM - : Or perceiving it differently

4/19/25, 10:00 AM - Michema Duggins: When did I made arrangement with you?

4/19/25, 10:00 AM - : We are two different people with individual thoughts. We won't see the situations the same

4/19/25, 10:01 AM - : As your friend, I make sure you were dealt with, despite not feeling the appreciation in the end. I didn't do anything without asking you if it's okay first given the circumstances

4/19/25, 10:01 AM - Michema Duggins: All that told me you should’ve said no

4/19/25, 10:01 AM - : To you?

4/19/25, 10:02 AM - : To Raheem?

4/19/25, 10:03 AM - : Then what are friends for if I can't help you when you can't help yourself?

4/19/25, 10:03 AM - : (In this case, cause you were off island)

4/19/25, 10:03 AM - : And I understand you saying that wasn't the plan initially but the plans changed. Appreciation is the name of the game here - that's all

4/19/25, 10:04 AM - : But if we continue to see this one differently, then that's okay.

4/19/25, 10:05 AM - Michema Duggins: The fact you think I gave you access to my place was to get my car fixed.

When I actually gave you the reason why at the time that I wanted you to get the break from Nick. I prepared told you snacks in there. And you forgot all of that because the day of me traveling back home. I asked you a favor that I had no intentions of asking of you.

4/19/25, 10:09 AM - Michema Duggins: I think I showed appreciation by coming for you that day and literally bringing down stuff and dropping them off.

But now we’re Let’s address me offering you a lift the day after my 8+ flight.

No it wasn’t on the same route, we were going to frigate bay. No I didn’t had to offer you that lift not that I had to go Révoy was going on his own he told me to go to sleep. I was the one that asked you if you going to town and offered the lift.

4/19/25, 10:09 AM - Michema Duggins: I could’ve let Révoy go straight frigate bay and go in my bed to very frank.

4/19/25, 10:10 AM - Michema Duggins: That was me putting myself out my way I was feeling sick I was exhausted but I didn’t feel it made sense for you to catch bus when I could’ve drop you.

4/19/25, 10:10 AM - Michema Duggins: We didn’t need your key

4/19/25, 10:10 AM - Michema Duggins: I had a key already

4/19/25, 10:10 AM - Michema Duggins: I could’ve gone straight home.

4/19/25, 10:13 AM - Michema Duggins: I wasn’t obligated to do that especially after that intense traveling. That was support again it wasn’t support you wanted but it was support.

4/19/25, 10:14 AM - Michema Duggins: You mention us coming back after getting food? Did you consider I wanted to go straight home and get sleep cause I had work the very next day? I didn’t even want to go on the car drive much less anywhere

4/19/25, 10:14 AM - Michema Duggins: I was in an airport from 4 am

4/19/25, 10:14 AM - Michema Duggins: But you’re just thinking of you. <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 10:15 AM - Michema Duggins: I could’ve come home and not give a shit about anything. You’re upset I didn’t come back to the mural after getting food from an 8 hr travel day?

4/19/25, 10:16 AM - Michema Duggins: Do not you see how self centered that is? The fact that I even offered a lift is a lot more than what some people would do on a day like that.

4/19/25, 10:20 AM - Michema Duggins: Friends help each other without holding it against each other

You clearly had a problem with helping that day and you totally overlooked me offering my space as solace because you didn’t feel like you got the appreciation that you deserve for doing a favor. Because me thanking you in person and picking you up while dog tired

Literally come in the house change and went back out wasn’t enough. I did not had to do any of that. <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 10:21 AM - Michema Duggins: I didn’t in anyway need to see you that day or show up for you that way. I had a key again. I was always going to be able to get in my house. <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 10:24 AM - Michema Duggins: Your choice of not communicating has been catalyst in my opinion of this whole back and forth. Did you even properly dissect my message before responding. Very strong claims were made you in your message with no clarify or no context

With No need to hear or another perspective. <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 10:27 AM - Michema Duggins: There was many things you said that was very triggering, calling me performative was one. It’s been crickets on that.

You coming at me for my birthday when you couldn’t even muster up to send a proper birthday. You only acknowledging yourself as the one to chose this friendship over your own discomfort. Did you ever consider this I’ve also done this for you countless times?

You had your own feelings and your own clouded judgement made conclusions about my actions. When all you had to do was communicate. <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 10:31 AM - Michema Duggins: The fact that you feel is fine to say if I never said anything you would’ve just continued harbor these feelings. <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 10:31 AM - Michema Duggins: How has that worked out?

4/19/25, 10:32 AM - Michema Duggins: Why would I want to have a friendship where someone is literally harboring feelings against me I’m totally unaware of.

4/19/25, 10:32 AM - Michema Duggins: That is not healthy.

4/19/25, 10:34 AM - Michema Duggins: No you did not, you said you understand my reasons initially but that was not full context. But then even after hearing about my burn out no where in your message addressed instead of chastised for taking time off for the day I was born

4/19/25, 10:35 AM - Michema Duggins: No where in your message addressed my burn out what I was handling and how it affected my capacity. No where in the message how this was literally brought up in therapy. Because I was beating down on myself for nothing I had no control over.

4/19/25, 10:38 AM - Michema Duggins: Let’s address the volunteering services. I am glad you choose that word. Because no where this was business transaction and nothing I had said indicated to that. What I said is that I can’t promise Révoy to have the time to show up during the process because he’s on a schedule and I know it would’ve been difficult to promise that. What I landed on was the end project

A drone reveal and that offer was not transactional nor was it ever rescinded. If it was I had no awareness of that. <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 10:38 AM - Michema Duggins: And in fact I still offered. I asked and I checked in asking if you were finish

4/19/25, 10:39 AM - Michema Duggins: I marked in my calendar despite the comforableness after my birthday and asked if you were finish

4/19/25, 10:39 AM - Michema Duggins: Because I gave my word I would do a drone reveal when it was finish

4/19/25, 10:39 AM - Michema Duggins: I stuck to that

4/19/25, 10:39 AM - Michema Duggins: You responded my bad and then I said yeah this is the time you told me

4/19/25, 10:40 AM - Michema Duggins: You never came back and say hey I’m aiming for this date.

4/19/25, 10:40 AM - Michema Duggins: My message stay there. So please don’t make it seem like that offer was ever off the table but I made sure it make to clear it was still there

4/19/25, 10:41 AM - Michema Duggins: And I refer to it as a sponsor only not a transaction I never asked for my logo to be planted I never asked for tag

4/19/25, 10:41 AM - Michema Duggins: I just asked for the time and we’ll show up and get it done

4/19/25, 10:41 AM - Michema Duggins: And even during all of this the offer is still on the table

4/19/25, 10:41 AM - Michema Duggins: Never took it back

4/19/25, 10:43 AM - : You mentioned earlier about this 'running joke' about me not being there emotionally for you, and you've chosen to lean on others instead - and maybe that's the disconnect. Cause I've felt like we've only talked about work, trips, our men, and that..isn't enough. You know? And I'm sorry you've felt like I've emotionally lacked in our relationship. I didn't know I had. I just know when it comes to work and finances, I'm not your equal, and so I can't provide the support you need in that regard even though I still try to be. Maybe you not giving me the space to be there for you in other ways is why I feel like we are not as close as we say we are.

I see your clarifications on the trip/your home/giving me a ride, etc, and I can see it's upsetting you. And I know its unfair to you to hear what I said and what I'm about to say cause, yes, you had no idea. I've kept it held in.

- I felt odd going to your home without you there cause I I've asked a couple of times to come by, and you were busy or just not in the mood, which is understandable. The 'oddness' was only getting to come by your home when you weren't there to be there with me. I say to myself all the time that we're finally neighbours, and we barely hang out. We're pen pals. We had a friendship where we slept in the same bed before... and truthfully, I didn't want to go there alone. The location, you not being there, but cause I know you did infact make preparations for me to go there, I wanted to show appreciation and didn't want it to be in vein.

- I appreciate the insight on your travel back and the ride. I appreciate _your_ sacrifice, but tbh I was uncomfortable. I've been uncomfortable with Revoy ever since the breakup. I'm not okay being in enclosed spaces with him since and seeing you guys being somewhat together again despite his very illtreatment of you in the past. It also why it was sooo weird for him to call me and asked if I need something to eat and drink. Him of all people? My normal bus ride would've been more comfortable for me.

I see you've sent more messages. Will respond when I can.

4/19/25, 10:44 AM - : So we both could've communicated our discomfort during this relationship and didn't. <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 10:46 AM - : It's pretty fine cause I have tunnel vision and made arrangements on my end to ensure I'm not triggered. But now I'm stiff and uncomfortable as I navigate these messages.

4/19/25, 10:47 AM - : I agree. It isn't. But as I said in the initial messages I thought I was overly sensitive or overthinking. I do want to highlight during the slight moments I did communicate, it ended with me saying to myself I shouldn't have brought it up. I didn't feel heard.

4/19/25, 10:47 AM - Michema Duggins: I did communicated my discomfort after my birthday

4/19/25, 10:47 AM - Michema Duggins: I am the only one that open dialogue here

4/19/25, 10:47 AM - Michema Duggins: That was the only discomfort I had

4/19/25, 10:47 AM - Michema Duggins: I had no awareness of all of these other thighs

4/19/25, 10:47 AM - Michema Duggins: Things*

4/19/25, 10:48 AM - : I thought you meant you've also been uncomfortable during our friendship outside the last couple weeks. It's what understood.

4/19/25, 10:49 AM - : Oh Michema. You're misconstrued my message and I hope you take a chance to re-read. It literally says to highlight we haven't been as close because you didn't SAY anything. My girl you are free to celebrate your day! I'm not sure how you're reading it any differently.

4/19/25, 10:49 AM - Michema Duggins: Why would I give that space for to be there in that capacity when you’ve explicitly said to many times you cannot handle certain things

I never started that running joke you did <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 10:49 AM - Michema Duggins: I respected your capacity always

4/19/25, 10:49 AM - Michema Duggins: I never made it an issue

4/19/25, 10:50 AM - Michema Duggins: I just redirected when I feel I had to

4/19/25, 10:50 AM - Michema Duggins: If you wanted our relationship to shift more to those things again that was something that could’ve been communicated

4/19/25, 10:50 AM - Michema Duggins: I was just doing what you told me you’re capable of doing <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 10:50 AM - : If the ways that I highlighted your busy schedule and overwhelm isn't enough, how else would you have liked me to address it? Genuinely asking.

The more we communicate, the more obvious it is that we just don't fit anymore, Michema.

4/19/25, 10:51 AM - : Didnt you say right after my voice note that you can't sponsor it before we worked out something?

4/19/25, 10:51 AM - Michema Duggins: Busy schedule is not appropriate term for burnt out

When you’ve expressed how yo I felt many times to before I never minimized it to yourself

4/19/25, 10:52 AM - Michema Duggins: Please find where in my message when I said you had to pay for the drone

We were already discussing it as sponsorship never a transaction

4/19/25, 10:53 AM - Michema Duggins: That was your assumption and if you needed further clarity on that you could’ve simply asked

4/19/25, 10:53 AM - Michema Duggins: Omg

4/19/25, 10:53 AM - : You asked if I were done with the mural/ ready for the drone about what.. 2 / 3 times? I've been very visible on social media about my progress and if you're not aware, regular conversations with me would let you know where I reach in the mural. Asking if I ready for the drone highlighted even more how detached you are from the process. <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 10:53 AM - Michema Duggins: Sasha the communicate is killing me

4/19/25, 10:53 AM - : I don't have one...

4/19/25, 10:54 AM - : I know it wasn't off the table. It was mentioned to highlight that it wasn't initially offered by my close friend but asked by me. <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 10:54 AM - : Maybe the message needed editing. I thought you said you couldn't sponsor it.

4/19/25, 10:55 AM - : But because we talked further about it, it seemed like you can do so for the drone reveal at the end

4/19/25, 10:55 AM - : But it still felt transactional to me

4/19/25, 10:56 AM - Michema Duggins: After my birthday I took a step back to reflect on your greeting and the lack of presence I was not keeping up with you on social media however I did mark the date when you said you were aiming to finish. So while reflecting I came back to check in on it. I didn’t had to but this is something to agree

Why do I have to rely on social media to know where you are with your mural? Why you couldn’t just say hey Michema it’s looking like this weekend or next weekend

You didn’t had to give a definite date but you could’ve said something and you didn’t

4/19/25, 10:57 AM - Michema Duggins: If I message you directly

4/19/25, 10:57 AM - Michema Duggins: I think the best thing would be to msg me back directly and say this is the case

4/19/25, 10:57 AM - : You didn't have to rely on social media. It's why I said if we were regularly talking, you'd know.. <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 10:58 AM - Michema Duggins: After my birthday

4/19/25, 10:58 AM - : I have people who's not on social media at all to very rarely, knowing where I am

4/19/25, 10:58 AM - : Through messaging and video calls.

4/19/25, 10:58 AM - Michema Duggins: When you’re literally harboring feelings about me and couldn’t even msg me properly.

We were always talking normal until after that weekend.

4/19/25, 10:58 AM - Michema Duggins: I still despite my comfort

4/19/25, 10:58 AM - Michema Duggins: Checked in

4/19/25, 10:59 AM - Michema Duggins: When did you?

4/19/25, 10:59 AM - : The conversations were sporadic

4/19/25, 11:00 AM - Michema Duggins: Sasha the break down in communication happen that weekend and only that weekend

If you had msg me normal on my birthday I would had no clue of any of this

4/19/25, 11:00 AM - Michema Duggins: I would’ve been oblivious <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 11:00 AM - Michema Duggins: I woulda still check in

4/19/25, 11:00 AM - Michema Duggins: Regardless

4/19/25, 11:00 AM - Michema Duggins: And I fix

4/19/25, 11:00 AM - : And I can also say if you messaged me normally after, it wouldn't have reach to this

4/19/25, 11:00 AM - Michema Duggins: Did*

4/19/25, 11:01 AM - Michema Duggins: No ma

4/19/25, 11:01 AM - Michema Duggins: Now*

4/19/25, 11:01 AM - Michema Duggins: This is not right

4/19/25, 11:01 AM - : But if you're wondering if I would've checked in if you didn't, the answer is no. I said it earlier. I wanted to finish my mural before I address anything with you

4/19/25, 11:01 AM - Michema Duggins: Because you’re telling I must act like elephant not in the room

4/19/25, 11:02 AM - : What's the certain things?

4/19/25, 11:02 AM - Michema Duggins: The problem here is communication. Big time. How we handle things is different

The fact you were willing to sit on that attempt to treat me normal is not ok

4/19/25, 11:02 AM - Michema Duggins: Because that’s not genuine

4/19/25, 11:03 AM - Michema Duggins: The fact you expected me to turn a blind eye to your birthday greeting is not normal

You just said yourself we took birthdays seriously

4/19/25, 11:03 AM - Michema Duggins: Ofcourse I would notice something is up

4/19/25, 11:03 AM - : I never said you said this earlier. The more we talk, the more we *aren't* communicating..

4/19/25, 11:04 AM - : I knew you were doing it for me....sigh

Me saying it felt transactional is just a feeling. Not fact.

4/19/25, 11:05 AM - : Isn't it clear how not on the same page we are? <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 11:06 AM - Michema Duggins: Sasha you didn’t had to go my house. I’ll keep it short for that one because it really wasn’t necessary I didn’t need you to be there it was something I was offering if you didn’t feel comfortable being there alone you could’ve said and I would’ve understand. I myself sometimes uncomfortable there alone. It was not a demand it was an offer which you could’ve politely declined. <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 11:07 AM - : Okay - I understand.

4/19/25, 11:07 AM - : Unfortunately that didn't happen that way

4/19/25, 11:07 AM - : My messages have always been to share how it's been a pattern of _me_ being uncomfortable, and I'm sorry to say that no clarification or or what shoulda woulda been done would change those past feelings

4/19/25, 11:08 AM - : It provides context and that I can appreciate but it further fuels the fact that we aren't as close as we say we are anymore <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 11:08 AM - Michema Duggins: Also You could’ve taken my bus ride.

and alllow me to add more context, I know you may not be comfortable 100% with Révoy

Did you ever stop to think that was the whole reason why I came for the drive?

4/19/25, 11:09 AM - Michema Duggins: As I said he was going by himself I was going home to sleep

When I asked you were going town and realize you were catching bus I said no

Come with us

I went home change and got in the car because I know you wouldn’t have feel ok with just him

4/19/25, 11:09 AM - Michema Duggins: But the fact that you still didn’t feel ok

4/19/25, 11:09 AM - Michema Duggins: You could’ve said no

4/19/25, 11:10 AM - Michema Duggins: I wouldn’t feel right knowing that I could offer you ease and choosing not to do it

4/19/25, 11:10 AM - Michema Duggins: As tired as I was I saw the opportunity

4/19/25, 11:10 AM - Michema Duggins: To help

4/19/25, 11:11 AM - Michema Duggins: This thing about him offering you a drink or something to eat. I never heard of it.

4/19/25, 11:11 AM - Michema Duggins: Until you told me

4/19/25, 11:11 AM - Michema Duggins: He didn’t seem to find the need to share with that me

4/19/25, 11:12 AM - Michema Duggins: So that seems like something he genuinely offered without me in the picture

4/19/25, 11:12 AM - Michema Duggins: He probably was on an errand that day I have no idea

4/19/25, 11:12 AM - Michema Duggins: But he did not share that with me.

4/19/25, 11:13 AM - Michema Duggins: I don’t see the correlation. Because it’s not like i would see you there and pass you straight either

4/19/25, 11:13 AM - Michema Duggins: I literally come out the car half naked.

4/19/25, 11:13 AM - Michema Duggins: The first time I saw you there

4/19/25, 11:15 AM - Michema Duggins: You expect us not to have uncomfortable dialogue?

4/19/25, 11:15 AM - : We both know that I'm more of a sleep on things person. I never say what I'd like to say right off bat. That's not my super power, that's yours. I need time to reflect and get my thoughts together. That's with everybody friendship and business relationships. <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 11:15 AM - Michema Duggins: Do you think we’re suppose to go just go along pretending like things are ok if they are not

4/19/25, 11:16 AM - : The times we've have..never ended how I'd like.

4/19/25, 11:16 AM - Michema Duggins: So .. you just thought things would continue and never reach that point again?

4/19/25, 11:16 AM - : I know its unfair to you to hear these things for the first time. I can accept that. That's my flaw.

4/19/25, 11:18 AM - : But I usually feel like what I'm saying, you're not listening. We are replying to get our points across not to get an understanding

4/19/25, 11:18 AM - Michema Duggins: You also fail to realize you didn’t ask anything

You made a conclusion of my birthday

Why do I have to clear up my birthday for you? If you’re a genuine friend you’d show interest not just assume.

4/19/25, 11:19 AM - : The correlation was highlighted but I feel like I'm steady clarifying what I mean

4/19/25, 11:19 AM - : What does clear up your birthday mean?

4/19/25, 11:20 AM - : That you had to tell me what really happened? That it was a suprise? When that's not what I wanted to hear <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 11:20 AM - : My messaging have been super clear

4/19/25, 11:20 AM - Michema Duggins: You said I found the time to plan my own birthday weekend . The audacity of me find time. And that I didn’t mention any of it to you. You saw it but you never asked.

What’s crazy is that I posted I was surprised you said you saw my birthday plans but you felt like we weren’t close cause main say nothing

4/19/25, 11:20 AM - Michema Duggins: That was a nasty message

4/19/25, 11:20 AM - Michema Duggins: Totally unnecessary

4/19/25, 11:21 AM - : Did I not say, after you clarified, that I retract the 'planned' aspect of my message?

4/19/25, 11:21 AM - : What do you want me to do here.

4/19/25, 11:21 AM - : I saw one tik tok/snap and that's when I made my arrangements <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 11:21 AM - : I didn't see anything else after that one thing <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 11:21 AM - : Nothing

4/19/25, 11:22 AM - : I haven't been keeping up with your social media as you said you haven't been mine

4/19/25, 11:22 AM - Michema Duggins: Your arrangements to… what exactly?

4/19/25, 11:22 AM - : Here

4/19/25, 11:23 AM - Michema Duggins: After your birthday message* I stopped keeping up with your social media

4/19/25, 11:23 AM - Michema Duggins: when did you start?

4/19/25, 11:23 AM - Michema Duggins: On my birthday weekend? <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 11:23 AM - : Your first birthday snap yes

4/19/25, 11:23 AM - Michema Duggins: Ok.. that’s sounds healthy to you?

4/19/25, 11:23 AM - Michema Duggins: You intentionally chose not to be there or present in anyway for my birthday

4/19/25, 11:24 AM - Michema Duggins: Because of something I had no idea about

4/19/25, 11:24 AM - Michema Duggins: And that’s sound ok to you?

4/19/25, 11:24 AM - Michema Duggins: And then went on to say it wasn’t intentional

4/19/25, 11:24 AM - Michema Duggins: These are conscious decisions

4/19/25, 11:24 AM - : It's what happened. With how things were going with the mural, I forgot your birthday was so close. Usually, plans are shared ahead of time. I didn't know leading up to it that you had a day off and getting your nails done. You said you told me. I can't recall. I'm not calling you a liar btw. <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 11:25 AM - : My phone reminded me maybe the Saturday that it was coming up.

4/19/25, 11:26 AM - Michema Duggins: I didn’t choose not to support you at your mural

Let’s make that clear

I support you in the way I could

Me not offering the support you wanted me to was never intentional

However you choosing not to be there on my birthday and essentially ghosting me the weekend is intentional

That’s intentional actions that hurt me

4/19/25, 11:26 AM - Michema Duggins: And caused this dialogue to be opened

4/19/25, 11:27 AM - Michema Duggins: You keep saying “how things were going with the mural” what things? I on my end we had a conversation we came to a solution I saw you the day we share a laugh

4/19/25, 11:27 AM - Michema Duggins: Everything was fine

4/19/25, 11:27 AM - Michema Duggins: On my end

4/19/25, 11:27 AM - : How busy I was with the mural******* <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 11:28 AM - Michema Duggins: I told you about my day off because I asked I can come see you at your mural then

4/19/25, 11:28 AM - : I don't recall

4/19/25, 11:28 AM - Michema Duggins: You told me you weren’t gonna be in town

4/19/25, 11:28 AM - Michema Duggins: On the Friday

4/19/25, 11:28 AM - : The Friday that you left? We didn't talk

4/19/25, 11:28 AM - : But hbd and thanks.

4/19/25, 11:29 AM - : Or you meant earlier in the week?

4/19/25, 11:29 AM - Michema Duggins: .

4/19/25, 11:29 AM - : What did I say

4/19/25, 11:29 AM - : I'm usually off

4/19/25, 11:29 AM - Michema Duggins: .

4/19/25, 11:29 AM - : I did go that day though

4/19/25, 11:29 AM - : I didn't know you were off cause of birthday thangs

4/19/25, 11:29 AM - Michema Duggins: Ohhh

4/19/25, 11:29 AM - : I would've come town for it

4/19/25, 11:30 AM - : Just thought it was an off day

4/19/25, 11:30 AM - : And you've been busy

4/19/25, 11:30 AM - : I wouldn't have asked you to pop by on your off day

4/19/25, 11:30 AM - Michema Duggins: But I was suppose to know? When you said you not gonna be there

4/19/25, 11:30 AM - : I know you like to catch up with what you're doing on those days

4/19/25, 11:30 AM - Michema Duggins: And I offered still

4/19/25, 11:30 AM - Michema Duggins: You didn’t even had my birthday as a thought

4/19/25, 11:30 AM - : I go based off vibes. Your best best was to ask me day of if I'm there or going that day <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 11:30 AM - Michema Duggins: I’m not gonna even address that tho

4/19/25, 11:30 AM - Michema Duggins: The fact that I still offered to see that day

4/19/25, 11:31 AM - Michema Duggins: After our conversation

4/19/25, 11:31 AM - Michema Duggins: Further shows I was trying to work things out

4/19/25, 11:31 AM - Michema Duggins: And you completely forgot that

4/19/25, 11:31 AM - : Well...

4/19/25, 11:32 AM - : We will continue to perceive things differently

4/19/25, 11:32 AM - : Going to the mural wasn't a tick off my calendar. It was how I felt the morning of.

4/19/25, 11:32 AM - : Planning to meet at the mural isn't how it should go (to me)

4/19/25, 11:35 AM - Michema Duggins: This whole thing stemmed from me not considering you and look at that you didn’t even acknowledge my birthday was coming up

I didn’t even bring it up because I was just concerned about how I could show up better for you as a friend

The very weekend of my birthday you chose to distance yourself

You marked me off as inconsiderate and performative but no point when you had these feelings you stopped to even check yourself

And I still didn’t hold that against you but I still reach out to ask about mural finishing and I still chose to open this dialogue despite not even feeling considered

4/19/25, 11:36 AM - : I'm not good with dates of memory so I had it in my calendar. I was reminded the Saturday but at this point I knew you were were away....

4/19/25, 11:36 AM - : Sigh

4/19/25, 11:36 AM - : I don't want to clarify anymore

4/19/25, 11:36 AM - Michema Duggins: You accused of not sharing my plans when I infact did

4/19/25, 11:36 AM - : I didn't know they were birthday plans dear <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 11:37 AM - Michema Duggins: I understand this about you however it still good to hold yourself account and said you could’ve been more aware and apologize

4/19/25, 11:37 AM - : Apologize for?

4/19/25, 11:37 AM - Michema Duggins: Like I have for my own shortcomings

4/19/25, 11:37 AM - Michema Duggins: Ok

4/19/25, 11:37 AM - Michema Duggins: Don’t

4/19/25, 11:37 AM - : I'd like to know

4/19/25, 11:38 AM - Michema Duggins: Sasha you chose to distance yourself for me on my birthday gave me a dry ass msg and tell me it wasn’t intentional while still telling me it’s intentional

You were so concerned about me not showing up for your mural that you didn’t recognize my birthday was literally days away and instead checking you you’re just gonna chalk it up you’re not good with dates and that you were busy

4/19/25, 11:39 AM - Michema Duggins: I was busy too but I checked myself with you

4/19/25, 11:39 AM - Michema Duggins: I apologize I saw how my actions affected you

4/19/25, 11:39 AM - Michema Duggins: Where is that for me here?

4/19/25, 11:39 AM - Michema Duggins: You can’t even see it

4/19/25, 11:39 AM - : Not at this moment, and while you need it from me, I need time to assess.

4/19/25, 11:40 AM - : So it's not done because you want me to

4/19/25, 11:40 AM - : But I have noted throughout this conversation how much I appreciate the clarifications and context on some of the events. I think that's alot given. <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 11:42 AM - : But apologizing at this point is like apologizing for feeling uncomfortable, unsupported, disregarded. I'm not sure how I can do that. Cause despite, those are my feelings and how my body decided to react to such events.

4/19/25, 11:42 AM - : And while this sounds like one big isolated event to you, it's not to me. I still admit that this is unfair for you to know and hear right now but I've been periodically feeling like this for a few years.

4/19/25, 11:47 AM - : So I'm still of the belief that there needs to be some distance between us because evidently, the dynamics of our relationship have changed - and that's okay. <This message was edited>

4/19/25, 11:54 AM - Michema Duggins: A lot of context that could’ve been cleared up with prior communication

Yes

If you think holding yourself accountable apologizing for your actions is you apologizing for you how you feel then that’s something you need to work out internally.

You keep changing the goal post, first is not showing up to the mural, next it’s other events that happened and now it’s feelings you’ve been feeling for years. In All of this I never got the opportunity to have a conversation or to even be aware.

I wont take responsibility for our relationship changing because these events have happpened one sided. I’ve never hold any resentment towards you ever.

I do feel distance is best, reflection is very much needed.

4/19/25, 11:55 AM - : The goal post wasn't moved, they were all given to share a pattern

4/19/25, 11:55 AM - : But I'm glad we agree that reflection is much needed

0 notes

watchmegetobsessed · 4 years ago

Text

TO LOVE AND BE LOVED - Part One (Harry Styles)

a/n: oh my god i am sooo thankful for the love the masterlist got with just so little info about the story! it means so much to me and i really hope i won’t disappoint you with this story! i was planning to post the first part on tuesday but i got excited bc of all the feedback and reactions and decided to start earlier, so here it is, part one of TLABL, a story im kind of proud of and very happy to share! please drop by my ask box or leave your thoughts on the story, i would love to hear everything from you guys!

pairing: CEO!Dad!Harry X Reader

warning: mentions of death, cheating and divorce

word count: 11.2k

SERIES MASTERPOST masterlist

“I hope you realize this holds nothing against you, we all love and appreciate you and your work, but we had to face some unexpected problems this past year.”

You sit in front of Claire, your boss completely dumbfounded, not even comprehending what she is saying completely. You came to work this morning absolutely oblivious that today is going to be your last day of work at the daycare you’ve been working at for over two years now.

“I’m sorry, but last time you let us in on the budget you didn’t bring up any complication that might have indicated someone could lose their job, so what possible problem could have come up so abruptly?” you ask with a shocked and nervous chuckle. Part of you kind of hopes this is just some stupid joke she is playing on you, but Claire is not one to make games out of such serious things. Letting out a tired sigh she pushes her reading glasses up to the top of her head into her carefully curled hair.

“Look, I’m really trying not to make a big deal out of it, but we had to make some cuts on the budget. The kitchen and gymnasium renovation was completely unplanned and it kicked us in the butt. We are making some changes about the groups this year and it was made that it can be solved with one less person on the team. I’m sorry it had to be you, but the decision had to be made.”

“But why me?” you press. “There are two people who have been working for a shorter period of time here, didn’t I earn your trust during my time here?”

“It’s not about that, Y/N,” Claire shakes her head.

“Then what is this about?”

“If you are so keen on knowing, we’ve… received a few… complaints.” Your eyebrows shoot up to your hairline, this is the first time you’re hearing about it.

“Complaints?”

“Yes. Some parents are not quite the fan of the kind of mentality you are using while teaching the kids.”

“What are you talking about?” you ask, feeling all the blood rushing out of your face. This is starting to get way too nasty. Claire pinches the bridge of her nose before leaning onto her desk, clasping her hands together.

“I know that you are quite the free spirit and want to teach the kids about openness and acceptance, but not everyone is as rainbow as you are. Some kids brought the word home about what kind of books you’ve been reading and we’ve gotten a few concerns about you basically promoting the LGBTQ community for the kids.”

“I’m not promoting, I’m trying to teach them to accept everyone just the way they are, how can that upset anyone?!”

“Well, it does. The committee had to make a decision on who we should let go and many agreed that it might be the safest decision to make it be… you.”

You’re about to faint. You are sure you are about to fall off this chair and just black out. How can someone get mad about you reading stories about acceptance and treating everyone equally? What kind of monster can see it as a bad thing? And now you are losing your job over such a stupid thing that you don’t even feel responsible for.

Though you’d love to stay and try to convince Claire to not let you go, you know the decision has been made and if you’re being honest, you don’t feel comfortable anymore working at a place where parents tell you off for teaching important values for their kids. Sadly, but you sign all paperwork about your immediate parting and you leave Claire’s office to pack your stuff.

“Miss Y/N! Miss Y/N!” Izzy, one of the sweetest girls in your group basically launches herself at you, smashing against your legs as she hugs you happily. “Do you want to see what I just painted?” She blinks up at you with her gorgeous green eyes and your heart breaks that you won’t get to see her again.

“Oh, Sweetie. I have to—you know what? Sure. Show me your painting,” you smile at her warmly. You can’t say no to her, not when this is the last time you get to see her.

As you’re cleaning out your locker in the break room, Heather walks in and stops in her tracks, seeing you with your gloomy face as you pack everything into a cardboard box.

“What the hell are you doing?” she questions right away. The two of you have known each other for years now, you did the same master’s programme and somehow ended up working here together, carrying on the friendship you’ve formed through your school years.

“I was… fired,” you sigh, wincing at the words.

“What?! Why?”

“Apparently, we are having some budget problems with all the renovations that was made recently and unbeknownst to me, some parents have been complaining about my openness with kids so I was the lucky one to part ways with.”

“That’s fucking bullshit! The kids adore you, how can someone complain about something like that?”

“Don’t know, ask them if you ever find out who they are,” you mumble under your breath as you shut the now empty locker closed. “I’m sorry we can’t carpool anymore,” you pout at her.

“No fucks given about that, what are you gonna do now?” she asks, seemingly very bummed at the news that you won’t be working at the same place now.

“I don’t know,” you shrug. “I guess I’ll have to find something new if I don’t want to end up on the streets,” you mumble.

“Oh girl, I’m so sorry,” Heather sighs pulling you into a hug. “Why don’t we go out for drinks on Friday? Everything is on me!”

“Don’t act like I’m already broke, makes me feel like a loser.”

“Sorry,” she scowls. “Just want to brighten you up a little. Meet me at seven at that Mexican place, how does that sound?”

“Stuffing my face with nachos and tequila? Sounds like the best plan I could wish for.”

You waste no time arriving home after your worst day at work. You jump right into the job ads, looking for basically anything that might help you out of this impossible situation. Sending your resume to as many places as possible, you get a few callbacks the next few days, but you only make it to one interview on Friday and that doesn’t go well either. The man who calls in for an open position at a private kindergarten turns out to be a total snob and he doesn’t find your free spirit too fitting with the profile of his institution so you get rejected at the end of the interview.

You head out to meet Heather feeling like shit. You’ve been unemployed for four days, but it’s already breaking your spirits.

“You know what? Clair is a bitch for giving in to the complaints,” Heather slams her fourth shot glass on the table with a grimace. “She should have defended you!”

“I’m sure she just didn’t want to get into any disagreement. Some of the parents donate great amounts to the school and Claire would never risk losing that money,” you sigh rolling your eyes.

“Okay, but she is being very… not inclusive,” she narrows her eyes. “Firing someone for teaching the kids openness? Bullshit.”

“I’m just sad I don’t get to see the kids anymore. They really grew close to my heart.”

“The little fuckers can be so damn cute, almost make me want to have one.” Heather sighs, downing another shot before pulling the nachos closer to her. You laugh at her vulgar reaction, she has always had quite a dirty mouth but somehow she controls herself well around the kids. “How has the job hunting been?”

“Horrible,” you growl in frustration. There are not many that offer a good paycheck and the few that does are these posh places that expect you to treat the kids like they are made out of gold which is ridiculous. That’s not how you raise a kid!”

“I’m sorry, I’m sure something will come up soon. Why don’t you look into nanny jobs, have you thought about that?”

“What do you mean?” you furrow your eyebrows, popping some chips into your mouth.

“A lot of people prefer having nannies for their little children, some even want them to move in. My brother’s ex-girlfriend was a live-in nanny for about two years and she earned a shit ton of money, because she didn’t have to pay rent and a good chunk of the food, because the parents just treated her like part of the family and bought groceries for five people instead of four.”

“I’m not sure I’m cut out for that kind of stuff.”

“What, earning money?” Heather scoffs.

“No, living with a stranger.”

“Most of the time the nanny gets like a separated place so it wouldn’t be that bad, but you know what’s good for you. It was just an idea,” she shrugs.

Soon enough you drop any work talk not wanting to ruin the mood. You enjoy some time away from the stress of job hunting and you’re just trying to have fun with your best friend. You start talking about nostalgic memories from college and end up looking up people you graduated with on social media, checking out what they’ve been up to in the past years.

“Alright, I’m gonna go to the restroom quickly, watch out for my drink,” you announce pushing your drink closer to Heather as you head towards the restrooms.

There’s a bit of a line so you stand behind two girls chatting about some cute guy they just met and leaning against the wall you close your eyes for a moment, feeling the drinks hitting you in the head. You’re not used to drinking, haven’t really had the time to get drunk too much lately and it’s saddening to think that now that you’re unemployed, you could black out every day, you wouldn’t have anywhere to show up in the morning.

Getting deep in your thoughts you almost don’t even notice that your phone is buzzing in your pocket. When you finally realize you pull it out of your back pocket and look down at the unknown number with a scowl. You quickly leave your spot in the line and rush out to hear something as you answer the call.

“Hello?”

“Hi, I hope I’m not calling at an inconvenient time, I’m Harry Styles and I’m looking to talk to Y/N Y/L/N?” you hear a thick British accent on the other end of the line.

“This is her.”

“Great. Sorry for the late call, I’m Isabelle’s father.”

“Isabelle?” you ask in confusion, the names not really clicking in your head thanks to the shots you’ve been taking.

“Isabelle Styles? Izzy?”

“Oh! Yes! Sorry, yeah. Mr. Styles, what can I help you with?” you ask, not sure why Izzy’s dad would be calling you.

“Well I just recently learned from my daughter that you’re not working at the daycare any longer?” “Uh, yeah. Unfortunately I was fired this Monday…” you awkwardly answer.

“I’m sorry about that. Izzy has been really sad about it, I wanted to ask if you’ve found a new job already?”

“Not yet, I’ve been looking but I haven’t had much luck yet,” you confess.

“In that case I have an offer to make,” he firmly continues and you perk up at his words. “I’ve been thinking about pulling Izzy out of daycare, but I didn’t want to do it until I found someone to take good care of her. You’ve been her absolute favorite and she’s been devastated since you’ve been gone. If you’re up for a job of this kind, I would like to offer you a spot as Izzy’s nanny.”

“Oh!” is all you react, completely not expecting this call.

“I know there are a lot to discuss, but if you’re interested, I would be more than happy to have a chat with you sometime this weekend? To go over the details and see if we can make it work.”

“I, uh… Um, yeah. We can meet, that sounds good. When would it be good for you?”

“How about tomorrow afternoon?”

“That can work.”

“Amazing!” he beams. “I’ll send you the address through text if that’s alright for you.”

“Yeah, of course. When should I be there?”

“Would three o’clock suit you?”

“Absolutely,” you nod, stunned at the turn of events.

“Great, thank you so much, and once again, sorry to bother you on your Friday evening. Looking forward to see you tomorrow!”

“Thank you, Mr. Styles, see you soon!”

You get back in line at the bathroom and then make your way back to the table where Heather gives you a puzzled look.

“Did you take a massive shit or something?” she jokes as you take your seat and stare back at her, still in shock.

“No, I had a very interesting call, actually.”

“With who?”

“Um, Izzy Styles’ dad just called and offered me a job as her nanny.”

Heather almost chokes on her drink, coughing at the news. You hand her a napkin as she dries her chin off from her cocktail.

“Harry Styles wants you to be the nanny of his daughter?” she gasps.

“You know Izzy’s dad?”

“Y/N, everyone knows him! He is the sexiest man to walk this planet and not to mention that he is like stupidly rich! Have you not seen him yet?”

“Not really,” you shrug. “Izzy was picked up by an old woman most of the times, I guess I never worked when her dad came for her.”

“That explains why you’re not squirming already,” she scoffs. “That man is like… crazy hot, I’m telling you. I bumped into him one morning when I guess he was dropping Izzy off, the way he said ‘Pardon me, Darling’ made my knees shake,” she tells you, faking an accent that’s nowhere near what Mr. Styles sounded like on the phone.

“Well, I guess I’ll see him for myself. I’m meeting him tomorrow to discuss details,” you shrug and Heather slams her hand on the table.

“Oh my God! You’re gonna work for Harry Fucking Styles! Get ready because your panties will be soaking wet all the time,” she laughs like a hyena.

“Heather, stop!” you shake your head laughing too.

Following Mr. Styles’ call you decide to cut the night shorter than you intended, not wanting to look absolutely wasted when you meet him. Arriving home to your small, one bedroom apartment you take a quick shower before climbing to bed, staring up at the ceiling, trying to collect your thoughts. You told Heather you’re not willing to do the whole live-in nanny thing and Mr. Styles might not even want you to live with them, but now that the option is there, you realize it might not be the worst case scenario. Especially since you’re not really swimming in other job offers and you are in desperate need of anything at this point.

Despite having consumed quite some alcohol the previous night, you wake up at a reasonable hour in the morning, finding a text from Mr. Styles about the address you’d have to be going in the afternoon. You make a quick trip to the grocery store and do some chores before you start getting ready for the meeting. You opt for a simple black dress that reaches your knees and pair it with a little funkier, flower printed blazer to bring some color into the outfit.

Punching the address into the GPS you see that it’s taking you to the outer skirt of the city to the neighborhood that’s known to have some quite luxurious estates and you immediately think back to what Heather said about him being ridiculously rich. Driving down the streets in your old Volkswagen you couldn’t stand out more at a place where at least three cars park on the driveways and one of them is a Ferrari or a Porsche.

There’s a massive security gate under the address that’s your destination and it’s left open so you can pull up to the driveway easily. You park next to a fucking Tesla, finding it extremely funny to see your car next to it, but it is what it is. Walking up to the front door you ring the bell as you take a look at the house that can easily considered to be a mansion. Guessing from the outside there are at least about five bedrooms in it and you can only imagine what other luxurious units are squeezed into it.

Soon enough the front door opens and you find yourself staring back at a breathtakingly gorgeous man, wearing a white dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up and black suit pants, his chocolate curls falling to his forehead as his emerald eyes fall on you, a warm smile tugging on his lips.

Shit. Heather was fucking right, you think to yourself swallowing hard.

“Miss Y/L/N, it’s so nice to see you. I’m Harry, Izzy’s dad, come on in!” he invites you inside before a short handshake.

“Nice to meet you too, Mr. Styles.”

“Please, just call me Harry. I don’t like formalities at home,” he asks you as the two of you walk further inside until you arrive to what looks like a living room, but it’s actually the size of your apartment.

“Only if you call me Y/N,” you smile at him and he nods right away.

“Miss Y/N!” you hear a small voice call out and turning around you see Izzy running down the hallway until she throws herself against your legs.

“Oh, hello Sunshine!” you hum, squatting down so you can hug her.

“I missed you!” she pouts, rubbing her eyes.

“I missed you too,” you smile at her, caressing her soft cheeks before standing up. An older lady walks in, the one you’ve seen picking up Izzy. She approaches you with a friendly smile as she extends a hand towards you.

“Hi, I’m Ruth, it’s nice to meet you.” “Y/N, nice to meet you too.”

“Ruth, would you take Izzy outside while I talk to Miss—erm, Y/N here?” Harry requests. Ruth nods and taking Izzy’s hand she lures her outside to look for ladybugs in the backyard and that immediately catches her attention. The two of them leave through the sliding door, giving you and Harry privacy.

“Please, have a seat,” he gestures towards the sectional couch. “Would you like something to drink?”

“I’m good, thank you,” you smile at him as he sits in an armchair across you.

The interior of the house is quite cozy, kind of modern with a hint of vintage touches that make it less rigid, a pop of color showing at most corners so it’s not too monochrome. You quite like it.

“Y/N, I once again apologize for calling you at such an inappropriate hour, but I often work late and I wanted to get in touch with you as soon as possible upon hearing the news.”

“Don’t worry about it, I understand.”

“Isabelle mentioned it to me on Thursday that the other workers told her you no longer work at the daycare so I asked around a little yesterday and was informed that they let you go earlier in the week.”

“It was quite sudden for me as well,” you chuckle lightly, feeling a little anxious to talk about it.

“I know it’s not too appropriate, but I asked why they chose you to part ways with and I have to say it’s outraging that some parents are so ignorant and wayward. I’m really sorry this had to be the reason out of everything.”

“Thank you.” It actually feels nice that he thinks the same, this whole firing was ridiculous and you were losing hope in humanity, but Harry is now very much restoring it.

“Let me walk you through what the situation is here and what I was thinking about.” You nod and listen carefully. “I’m president of a record label and it consumes most of my time, I sometimes work sixty hours a week which I know is not ideal and healthy and I’m trying to change it, but it’s not an easy situation. I thought that putting Izzy into daycare was a good idea, but it’s been getting harder to work around her schedule as a single parent with so much work on my hands. Ruth is a family friend who has been helping tremendously with Izzy, but she is not getting any younger and she would like to retire fully and spend more time with her own grandkids. So I’ve been thinking about hiring a nanny for Izzy and try to make her days work around mine while I’m able to do that. She is going to start preschool in little over a year and I want to spend as much time with her as possible, but it’s not easy when the schedule depends on an institution. When she told me about your firing I had the thought that you might be interested in taking the spot as her nanny. She is obsessed with you, wouldn’t stop talking about what you do every day, and I might have also looked into your professional background. I like what I’ve seen and I’m very much into the way you’ve been dealing with the kids at the daycare. Openness is really important and I want Izzy to grow up in an environment that teaches her about being equal and supportive towards each other. I would be more than happy if you’d be the one taking care of Izzy while I’m not available.”

To say the east you’re stunned at how forward and open he was about the offer and his compliment about your professional background is quite flattering. You can tell he is doing an amazing job at raising Izzy as an open and accepting human, she was always one of the nicest and sweetest kids who always made sure to include all her peers in the games you played. And it’s obvious Harry is not just being a hypocrite, his tattooed arm, painted nails and ring clad fingers are not quite what you’d traditionally imagine a man like him wear, but he does it well and clearly doesn’t give a fuck what others might think about it.

Harry continues with how much he thought you’d be earning for the job and you almost choke on your own saliva. It’s almost three times as much as you’ve been earning at the daycare and you’d be able to save a good chunk every month which is quite amazing.

“I have to ask, were you thinking about a situation where I live with you or I’d have to be coming here every day?”

“Well, essentially it would be the easiest for everyone if you moved in. I have plenty of rooms you could choose from and you’d have access to everything else as well, of course, including the home gym, the pool, the sauna and the entertainment room. But I understand if you are not willing to make that commitment. If you choose to live here you wouldn’t be charged anything, naturally.”

This actually sounds like a dream, moving into this luxury mansion from your cramped little apartment and being able to save the money you’ve been paying on rent.

“And what would be the time management? If I moved in it would easily make me fall into a habit of always working, which is not quite ideal,” you point it out.

“Of course,” he nods. “I like to take care of her morning routine so you’d have to start around nine when I leave to the office. If we can make this deal working I’d like her to start taking some extra classes during the day, moving her activities earlier in the day so her afternoons would be free. She takes piano lessons on Mondays and Wednesdays, a swimming instructor comes here on Thursdays and she is taking French lessons every Tuesday and Friday. Everything takes place here, I would reschedule her activities to take place between nine and twelve. You wouldn’t have to worry about her during those times. You’d cover lunch time and then the afternoons. I try to get home between four and six and just work from home if it’s possible so I can be around her. You’d have to only help out whenever I can’t make it home in time I have urgent works that have to be done from home. We could have dinner time together and then her night time routine is my duty again. Ruth is willing to help me out on Saturdays and I spend Sundays with her strictly without any work distraction so you’d have the weekends off unless something comes up. In those cases I would check in with you beforehand and arrange it however it works best for you.”

You’re speechless for a moment. What he just shared doesn’t seem too bad, you might have to work a lot more, but being one on one with just one kid is much easier than dealing with fifteen of them at once. Not to mention that the money is still amazing compared to what you’d have to be doing.

“I’m gonna be honest with you, it’s an amazing offer. Izzy is such a sweet girl, I would be more than happy to take care of her.”

Harry smiles at you warmly, clearly proud of his daughter, as he should be.

“Can I ask for some time to think about it? It would be a huge commitment.” “Of course. Take your time and let me know whatever your decision is.”

“Thank you.”

Harry offers a quick tour in the house regardless, the kitchen is massive, they have a nice dining area with floor-to-ceiling windows looking out to the green slopes of the backyard that seems to be Izzy’s kingdom. She has a playhouse that could almost function as a real one, the pool is filled with floaties for her and she has her own playground further in the back with slides, monkey bars and a swing set. Your assumptions were almost right about the number of bedrooms. Beside Harry’s master and Izzy’s own room there’s one that’s been used by Ruth, one that’s for Harry’s mother and sister for whenever they are staying over and there are three additional rooms now serving as guest bedrooms, one of those would be turned into your room if you chose to move in. The gym seems better than the one you’ve been going whenever you felt like being a little active, the entertainment room has everything you could ever think about for a room this sort of and the sauna is already calling your name. Living and working here might actually feel like a vacation.

“Miss Y/N! Look what I found!” Izzy runs up to you when you and Harry step out to the backyard, holding her pointing finger up. A ladybug is wandering around her tiny finger, not even bothering with the amazed girl that’s inspecting it.

“Wow! How many dots do you see on it?” you ask and she knits her eyebrows together, counting the black dots.

“Five!”

“Yes, good job!” you ruffle her curls as she smiles up at you proudly. She really is an angel, you’ve grown to like her a lot and you would be lying if you said you didn’t get emotional over thinking about never seeing her again. Being able to take care of her and give her the best possible childhood would be such a dream and the chance to do that is right in front of you.

“I’ll be waiting for your call, Y/N,” Harry smiles at you walking you towards the front door.

“Harry, I don’t think you need to do that,” you speak up and see his face fall, he obviously took it the wrong way, thinking that you want to say no to his offer.

“Oh…”

“It’s not that,” you chuckle softly. “I would love to take the job. And if you’re still okay with that, I’d like to move in, it would make everything just so much easier.”

You watch as his expression changes from disappointed to hopeful as he cracks a smile nodding.

“Yeah, the offer is still there. When do you think you can start?”

“How soon do you want to pull Izzy out of daycare?”

“As soon as possible. If I have to I can go in on Monday and do all the paperwork. You could move in sometime during the week maybe?”

“I have to talk to my landlord about my lease, but I’m fine with moving in during the week,” you nod smiling and you can’t help but feel excited.

“That would be wonderful. Thank you so much. I’m looking forward to working with you.”

You discuss a few more details and then you head out, thinking about how the next time you’ll be coming here, you’ll be moving in.

“If this one doesn’t go to the donate box, I’m leaving right now.”

Heather holds up a pair of denim shorts, painted in the colors of the flag of the States. She holds it pinched between her index finger and thumb as if it was something nasty and disgusting

“You know I only bought that for that stupid frat party. I never wore that anywhere else, so you can put it into the donate box.”

“Thank God!” she groans and throws the shorts into said box.

It’s Sunday evening and your place looks like a warzone, boxes taking up the place everywhere as you’re packing your life up to officially move into the Styles mansion. You agreed with Harry to bring over a good chunk of your stuff on Monday and then settle in for real on Tuesday. He is pulling Izzy out of daycare first thing on Monday and you’d stay at home with her for the first time on Wednesday. It’s been a fast paced change, but you couldn’t care less. With the amount Harry is gonna pay you, you’ll be able to save up a good chunk every month, like you always wanted to.

As you finish putting your books away you reach the shelves that contain all your photo albums. Photography has been your passion for a long time. It started as a simple hobby sometime through your freshman year in high school, but in senior year, your photos filled the yearbook and you even did the design of it too. You’ve had a few gigs since then, some weddings and pregnancy shoots and you like to sell your photos individually as well. You wouldn’t have imagined how much a simple nature photo costs.

Flipping through the one on the top, you can’t help the bitter smile on your face as you see the photos from your brother’s 14th birthday three years ago. There are tons of family pictures with you, your brother Trevor and your parents, seemingly being all happy and joyful. Things were different back then and you didn’t see anything coming.

It’s past midnight by the time you more or less finish packing, you’ve filled three big boxes with things to donate so you have significantly less stuff to move to the Styles mansion in the morning. Heather spends the night, but leaves early in the morning since she needs to go to work. The moving van you rented out arrives a little after eleven and the two guys from the moving company helps you load it with about two thirds of your stuff. Harry is at work when you arrive and Izzy is still at the daycare, Ruth is the only one at home, she helps you out even though you tell her not to break a sweat over it.

“Let me help, makes me feel needed,” she chuckles sweetly when you try to get her to stop, but she insists on bringing in some smaller bags and boxes.

You’re still unpacking when Ruth arrives back with Izzy a little after four. You hear her little feet tapping against the floor as she runs down the hallway, bursting into your future room.

“Miss Y/N! You’re here!” she cheers, throwing herself into your arms as you sit on the floor, being the perfect level for the little girl.

“I am! How was your day, little Sunshine?”

“We finger painted and I made a painting for daddy, do you want to see it?”

“Of course!”

Izzy disappears to get her backpack from Ruth who is making her some snacks in the kitchen. She soon returns with her painting, presenting it to you proudly.

“Look! This is me and this is daddy!” she points at the two human-like figures, the only thing giving away who is who is that one of them is bigger than the other one. “And then this is mommy!” she then adds, pointing at a star in the upper corner of the painting and you freeze.

In the midst of everything, you didn’t even have the time to question why Harry is a single parent. To be honest your first guess would have been divorce, but Izzy’s painting is telling you something a lot more tragic.

“It’s beautiful,” you smile at her, trying to hide your surprise at the new information. “I’m sure he’ll love it.”

Ruth makes sure Izzy is busy while you finish up unpacking and when you’re about to be done, Harry arrives home. Approaching your room even though the door is open he knocks on the doorframe, catching your attention.

“Hello, just wanted to see how things are going. Do you need help with anything? I’m sorry I couldn’t be here to help with the boxes and all…”

“Hi! Oh don’t worry about that, I had plenty of help,” you shrug smiling. “Everything is going fine, thank you.”

“Great. I did all the paperwork today, tomorrow is going to be Izzy’s last day at daycare. You’re still up to start on Wednesday, right?”

“Yeah, of course. I only have a few things left at home so I’ll be all set by tomorrow.”

“Thank you so much,” he smiles warmly. “And thank you for being so quick about everything. It means a lot to me that I can spend more time with Izzy thanks to you. I really appreciate it.”

“I should be thanking you the opportunity. I wasn’t really drowning in the job offers,” you chuckle making him smile as well. “Please let me know if you want me to change anything, I have a plan I would like to go around with Izzy’s days, but of course, your word is the most important.”

“I trust you to take good care of her during the day. The only thing I want is to have her home when I get home. Ruth couldn’t always pick her up before and I really hated to do the extra trip and pick her up from daycare instead of coming straight home to be with her.”

“Understandable. I’ll make sure to plan accordingly,” you nod smiling.

“Y/N, I want you to feel home as much as possible. This is your place just as much as it is ours now. Izzy and I go grocery shopping every Sunday, it’s kind of a father-daughter thing we do every week. We keep a list on the fridge, feel free to add whatever you need and we’ll get it.”

You can’t help the smile that stretches across your lips, because this is such a sweet thing to do, when Harry could easily afford someone to do the work for him. Yet he still uses this time to be with his daughter.

“Yeah, sure, thank you!”

“I’ll get out of your hair now. Would you like to stay for dinner?”

“Oh, no, but thank you. I still have some things to take care of before tomorrow.”

“Alright,” he nods before walking out. He leaves you thinking hard about him. You wonder what really happened to Izzy’s mom and if he is dating someone right now. A man like him is basically a dream to any woman, you doubt he is having a hard time finding a partner, but you haven’t seen any sign of another woman around the house. Guess you’ll have to wait and figure it out yourself.

The apartment is awfully empty on your last night here. When you moved in about a year ago you didn’t think you’d be moving into a mansion from here. You spend the evening cleaning out a bit so you leave the place in good condition. Your landlord was terribly nice about your early leave, you could easily agree that you’d pay for the two more weeks that’s left from the month and that would be all, no extra costs for moving out before your lease was up.

You’re cleaning off the kitchen counter when your phone starts ringing, it’s a video call from your brother.

“Hey there! What’s up?” you ask, propping up the phone on top of the microwave while you move around, doing your thing. Trevor seems to be lying in bed, a black hoodie covering his upper body.

“Hello, just wanted to see how the moving has gone today.”

Despite the ten year age gap between you and Trevor, your relationship couldn’t be better. Probably because you were old enough to see what a blessing a sibling really is when he was born.

“Everything went smoothly. I only have a few stuff to bring over, that can fit into my car tomorrow, so it’s fine.”

“Cool. How is the dude? What was his name again?”

“Harry. Harry Styles.” You see him pull his laptop to his lap and probably searches up Harry’s name before his eyes widen at the screen.

“This dude is big! He is the president of HES Records, they run some of the most popular singers these days.”

“Yeah? I was sure he is a big name judging from his mansion,” you chuckle.

“Have you looked him up yet?”

“Not really.” “Want me to read what’s here about him?”

“Sure,” you hum, continuing to clean while you listen to Trevor.

“Alright. Apparently he is thirty-one, took over the record company when he was just twenty-five because his father wanted to retire early. The number of talents working under the label has doubled since he has taken over and many of his clients have won Grammy Awards. Impressive,” he hums, scrolling down on whatever site he has just found. “He is known to be a private person, the last time he made an appearance… Oh shit…” Trevor breathes out and you turn to your phone with furrowed eyebrows.

“What?”

“Wow, this shit is heavy. It says the last time he made a public appearance was in 2017, not long before his wife was killed in a car accident.”

You freeze, feeling your stomach drop to the floor, immediately thinking back at Izzy’s painting of her family. It very much makes sense why she said the star was her mother, it must be the way Harry explained to her what happened to her mother.

“It happened in 2018, she wasn’t in the fault, a drunk driver ignored the red light and ran into her car at a crossroad. This is terrible, oh God.”

“Poor Izzy, she probably doesn’t even know what really happened.”

“Must have been hard on him, there’s not much about him since then.”

“Can’t blame him for not wanting to be in the spotlight after losing his wife.”

“Yeah.”

Trevor shows you a few pictures of him from years ago, he has always been handsome, but your favorites are the few from the times when he had long hair. He looked so different, like a whole other person, but still, he rocked it perfectly.

Then you show Trevor around in the empty apartment before loving to the couch, turning all your attention to him.

“How have things been?” you ask with a sigh. Trevor purses his lips and shrugs.

“Other than the constant screaming matches on the phone and endless fights every time dad comes over for more of his stuff? Everything is rainbows and butterflies.”

“Is it really that bad?” you scowl.

“It’s like they never run out of stuff to throw at each other, but I feel like this much couldn’t happen even in their twenty-eight years together,” he scoffs making you chuckle.

“I’m sorry you’re stuck in the middle of all that.”

“It’s like payback,” he hums and you give him a puzzled look. “You had it bad growing up for being the surprise baby, making them teen parents. Then I came at a reasonable time, they already knew the drill, but now that you’re out of the house I’m getting all the shit, having to deal with their divorce.”

“I’m really sorry, Trev,” you sigh, feeling guilty that he is all alone at home.

“It’s fine, I don’t blame you,” he shrugs. “But you could make it better if you asked your millionaire boss if I could hang out at his house sometimes.” He grins at you slyly and you roll your eyes. Of course he is already thinking about using you for his own good!

“I don’t want to push the boundaries just yet, but I’ll see what I can do.”

You talk a little more about school and what he’s been up to with his friends before ending the call. You take a shower and go to bed right away, feeling extremely worn out from all the packing you’ve done through the day.

The next day you pack the remainder of your stuff into your car and then your landlord comes over to do a checkup, though he fully trusts you took good care of the place.

“Again, thank you for your understanding, I didn’t plan to leave so early, but it just kinda came up,” you tell him, handing him over your keys.

“Don’t worry about it. I hope your new place will treat you right,” he smiles kindly at you.

You chat a little longer before you leave and head over to your new home. Once again, Ruth is the only one home and being the angel that she is, she helps you to carry your stuff up from the car before leaving to get Izzy from daycare. Since there’s not much left to unpack you finish quite fast, leaving you some extra time alone in the house. Walking around you try to learn your way around, still finding it a bit of a maze. You find Harry’s home office’s door open and after a bit of hesitation you step inside, just taking a look around. Yeah, it’s kind of a nosy thing to do, but you couldn’t help yourself.

His space is quite clear, he keeps his stuff neatly organized. Certificates and plaques are hung up on the wall, showing off his many successes in the business. There’s a huge bookcase near his desk and there you see some family photos… ones that include his late wife as well.

She was beautiful. There’s a picture of the three of them in the hospital from the day Izzy was born, Harry has an arm around his wife’s shoulders who is holding baby Izzy, both of them radiating happiness as they just become parents. Your heart breaks when you see the photo next to it, it’s just Harry and her in Paris, the Eiffel tower standing tall behind them as they are grinning widely at each other, foreheads touching. Harry has his arms wrapped around her slim figure while she is hugging his neck. They look so happy and in love, like they were always meant to be with each other. Knowing what tragedy hit them is just hard to process even for you, who never even met the woman.

You hear the front door open and Izzy is laughing at something, so you rush out before anyone could catch you snooping around.

“Hi Miss Y/N!” she chirps upon seeing you when you meet them in the living room.

“Izzy, you don’t have to call me Miss Y/N, Y/N is perfectly fine,” you smile at her, caressing her rosy cheeks.

“Okay. Ruth, can I please have some ice-cream?”

“I’m afraid we ran out of ice-cream, but I’ll put it on your grocery list,” Ruth tells her, a pout tugging on Izzy’s lips.

“How about this: I’m gonna make a delicious smoothie, that’s almost like melted ice-cream, would you like some?” you offer and her eyes brighten up immediately, nodding right away.

While Ruth puts away Izzy’s things they brought home from daycare, while the two of you move to the kitchen to make the smoothie together. You find some frozen berries in the freezer and pair them with bananas, putting them all into the blender with oatmilk, blending it all together.

“How is it?” you ask Izzy, who is sitting on top of the counter, tasting the pink smoothie that leaves a cute little mustache above her cherry lips.

“I like it!” she smiles, scrunching her nose.

“We can make it some other time then,” you smile, drinking up your portion.

Izzy is dancing around the kitchen, babbling about her last day at daycare while you clean the glasses and the blender when Harry arrives. He is wearing a baby blue suit with a crispy dress shirt underneath, looking fashionable but still business appropriate at the same time.

“Daddy!” Izzy launches towards her daddy, who catches her, throwing her into the air before holding her in his arms, joining you in the kitchen.

“Hey baby. How was your day?”

“Good, all my friends hugged me but I told them we would meet in the park.”

“That’s right, and I have the number of all your friends’ parents, we can have playdates with them whenever you want to,” he smiles before his eyes meet yours. “Hi Y/N, everything went well with the rest of your moving?”

“Yeah, I’m all set,” you smile back at him.

“That’s great. I have a few calls to make, but I’ll be done in thirty probably. Would you mind looking out for Izzy in the meanwhile?”

“Of course. She promised me to take me around her room, so we could do that, what do you say?” you ask the little girl who nods in excitement.

Harry disappears in his office and Izzy pulls you to her room, showing you just about every toy she owns. Her room is a typical girl’s room, the walls are painted a light pink color, her bedframe resembles a castle and she has a dollhouse as big as your previous bathroom. Harry clearly spoils her rotten, but what you noticed is that she is not one of those annoying bratty only children who can’t take no. She was clearly taught how to behave and always listen to the adults.

While Izzy is putting her stuffed animals away after introducing you to all of them, you spot a photo frame near her bed, decorated with macaroni. You remember when you all did that together at daycare and now you get to see the photo that ended up behind the glass.

It’s a photo of Izzy and her mother, she was just a baby and doing quick math in your head you realize it must have been not long before her accident, might even be the last picture taken of the two of them. Her mom is smiling at the camera while Izzy is sleeping in her arms peacefully. Izzy looked a lot like her when she was a baby, the bridge of her nose and her lips resembled her mother’s, though now she appears to take more after her dad with her chocolate curls and piercing green eyes.

“That’s my mommy,” she tells you when she sees you looking at the photo.

“It’s a nice picture,” you smile at her, trying your best to hide how heartbroken you feel even just looking at the photo.

“Daddy said she had to go up to the sky, but she is watching me from there,” she explains, clearly not entirely sure what it means, but you can tell she misses her. “Daddy said she is living between the stars now and that she loves me very much.” You need to fight your tears back at her words.

“I’m sure of that too,” you breathe out smiling at her.

“Izzy, do you want to help me make dinner?” Harry walks in smiling, though it disappears for a moment when he sees the two of you looking at the photo of his wife, but he is quick to control himself.

“Yes! What are we making?” she runs over to him, jumping up and down.

“Uh, chicken and veggies.”

You step away from the photo, pretending like nothing just happened. You’re dying to discuss it with Harry, hear him talk about it, but you won’t push him. If he wants to share it, he’ll come to you.

“Alright, come on then,” he smiles down at her. “Thank you for watching her, I’ll take over from here. Food will be ready in about an hour, Ruth is staying with us as well,” he informs you.

“Great, I’ll… I’ll be in my room,” you nod.

The first two weeks on the job brush past smoothly. It takes you some time to get used to your new home, but taking care of Izzy doesn’t feel like work, so you’re feeling amazing in your new job. You easily fall into a schedule with her.

The mornings are always Harry’s duty. He wakes her up around seven-thirty, makes her breakfast and dresses her for the day before he leaves around nine. Thanks to this habit of his, you’re able to sleep in until eight, leaving you plenty of time to get ready for your day with Izzy before Harry has to leave. Depending on the weather, the two of you then either take over the back yard or move to her room for some play time before her class of the day starts in the noon. Piano with Rosaline on Mondays and Wednesdays, French lesson with Lyon on Tuesdays and Fridays and then Izzy’s favorite on Thursdays, swimming class with Kitty.

Izzy loves to help in the kitchen so you usually make lunch together. Once her tummy is full she takes a nap before you sit down to learn something new every day. You’ve been teaching her the numbers and the alphabet, or some days you just talk about anything that interests her and learn at least two things she hasn’t know yet, all through games so she doesn’t even realize what you’re doing. You’re usually done by around three, leaving you time to take a visit to the park, if Harry is not planning to take her himself later that day.

You’re strictly home by four, unless it’s Tuesday when she has her dance class until five. Those days you drive her to her class, run some quick errands and pick her up. Harry usually uses his extra time in the office on these days, but he is always home by six to have dinner together with his daughter.

Once Harry is home you’re off duty, though you like to stay close, not just in case something comes up for Harry, but because you genuinely like spending time with Izzy and Harry, seeing them interacting.

Harry sometimes has to work on Saturdays as well, but just as he promised Ruth is always here to take over duty on those days, leaving you free for the whole weekend. It’s been working perfectly for you and those very few concerns you had about moving in dissolve quite fast as soon as you start working.

Though it’s been pretty clear to you before, you now one hundred percent sure that Harry is living for his daughter. She is always a priority, he doesn’t hesitate to decline any work calls he gets in the evenings if Izzy needs him, if she is a little fussy and wants her daddy’s attention or when they are in the middle of a game. He is clearly trying to keep a balance between his work and role as a father and from what you’ve seen, it seems like he is doing an amazing job in that. However you haven’t learned much else about him. He is all friendly towards you, but makes sure to keep it business casual, not quite keen on getting to know each other better as just friends, maybe.

A Friday afternoon you’re having a little tea party in the backyard with Izzy when Harry arrives home, but this time, he is not alone. Through the sliding door you spot him with a blonde guy who is talking very articulately as Harry is typing on his phone. The man looks about Harry’s age, but you can’t tell if he is a friend or a business partner, but if Harry brought him home, he is more likely to be a friend of his.

“Uncle Niall!” Izzy gasps when he spots the man through the glass and abandoning the tea party, she starts running towards the door. The man spots her and slides the door open grinning widely before she jumps into his arms.

“Little bugger! How are ya?” the man laughs, holding Izzy in a tight hug before leaning back to take a good look at her. You notice his thick Irish accent and it suits his appearance quite well. You head inside as well, in case Harry needs Izzy busy for a little longer, though he doesn’t mind having her around, kissing the top of her head before finishing up whatever he was doing on his phone, watching Niall and Izzy smiling.

“I’m having a tea party with Y/N, wanna join?” Izzy invites the man, who then looks at you for the first time, smiling widely.

“Hi, I’m Y/N, Izzy’s new nanny,” you introduce yourself, holding out a hand that he shakes, keeping Izzy in his other arm without a problem.

“Nice to meet ya, I’m Niall.”

“Y/N, Niall is an old friend of mine. He is joining us for dinner, hope you don’t mind,” Harry informs you and you find it funny how he is kind of asking for your approval when it’s his house.

“Not at all.”

“Harry has told me he hired a pair of new hands to help, but he didn’t mention it’s a stunning young woman!” Niall beams, making you blush right away.

“Ni, I would appreciate it if you didn’t try to pick up my daughter’s new nanny,” Harry warns him lightly, though there’s some firmness in his tone, not that it scares Niall in any way, he even winks at you.

“Oh come on, you can’t expect me not to flirt when you surround yourself with so many pretty women! First Ruth and now Y/N!”

You smile at him, something is telling you he wasn’t joking and he tried to flirt with Ruth as well. Harry just rolls his eyes at his friend, taking Izzy from him.

“Keep it in your pants, Niall,” Harry tells him and though it’s nothing vulgar, it catches Izzy’s attention.

“What should he keep in his pants?” she questions, making your and Harry’s eyes grow big right away. Luckily, Niall keeps his cool and takes care of the situation.

“My attitude, Sweetie. Your daddy is just jealous because I’m more handsome than he is,” he smirks at the little girl, successfully avoiding an awkward conversation about what it is that Niall should keep in his pants.

You smile at his reply, even though you are not that sure about the comparison he just made between himself and Harry.

“Izzy, do you want to continue the tea party?” you ask her and even though just a minute ago she was inviting Niall to join her, now she shakes her head no. “Alright, I’ll pack it up then.”

“Oh, don’t worry about it. We’ll do it, right Izzy? She brought it all out, she is going to be the one packing it up,” Harry reminds her and she nods.

The two of them move outside to put her little tea set back into the basket she keeps it in, leaving you and Niall alone.

“So Y/N, how did you end up here?”

“I was working at Izzy’s daycare, but they sent me away not long ago. Then Harry contacted me and offered the job which was a lifesaver, truly.”

“That’s great! Well, not that you got fired, but that you ended up here. I know it means a lot for Harry that he can spend more time with Izzy, you’re making everything a lot easier for him.” Niall walks over into the kitchen and grabs a water for himself as he leans against the counter. “I can see that he is a lot more relaxed now already.”

“Really?” you ask, surprised.

“Yeah. I know he always used to stress about picking Izzy up, or forgetting something the daycare asked for. Now he can make it all work just how he wants to, that fits him a lot more. It hasn’t been easy on him since Maggie’s death.”

This is the first time you hear anyone talk about Harry’s wife and now you just learned her name. Maggie.

“Being a single parents is never easy,” you add with a soft smile, not wanting to interrogate Niall about Maggie. It’s Harry’s place to tell you about her, if he wants to, of course.

Soon enough Izzy and Harry take over the kitchen, Niall helping them this time and you leave them alone, taking some time for yourself in your room. Later you go out to check if there’s anything you could help with, Harry asks you to set the table as he finishes up the cooking.

“So, Y/N. Tell me a little bit about yourself!” Niall asks you over dinner.

“Um, what do you want to know?” you ask, feeling a little flustered to be in the spotlight.

“I don’t know, family, friends, hobbies?”

“Well, I have a younger brother, Trevor. He is seventeen and already taller than me.”

“Oh, that seems like a big age gap.”

“Ten years, to be exact,” you nod. “He was planned, I wasn’t,” you add with a soft chuckle. “But we have a great relationship, so it’s all good. We talk almost every day.”

“I’m sure you’ll get well along with Gemma then!” Niall beams, glancing at Harry.

“Gemma is my sister,” Harry explains. “Though she is not that much older than me.”

“But you can bond over being stuck with a younger brother who outgrew you,” Niall jokes making all three of you laugh.

All through dinner you realize how different Niall is from Harry, but in a good way. While Harry is more quiet and calm, Niall is kind of all over the place, buzzing and chatting every chance he got, but the two of them make a great pair, bringing what the other doesn’t have to the table.

After dinner you attempt to leave them again, but Niall makes you stay as they open a glass of wine. Harry puts on a movie for Izzy to keep her busy, giving the three of you a chance to sit out at the terrace from where you still can keep an eye on the little girl inside.

“Alright, Y/N. When are we going on our first date then?” Niall asks out of the blue, a cocky smile tugging on his lips.

“Niall, for fuck’s sake,” Harry breathes out as you let out an awkward chuckle.

“What? I think there’s some electricity going on between us.”

“I, uhh—I don’t…”

“Please don’t turn me down!” he sighs dramatically, making you smile.

“You’ve been great company, but I’m not sure we should go out,” you tell him. He huffs in disappointment, but it’s clear he didn’t take it to his heart.

“Is it because you’re taken? I didn’t even ask, are you dating anyone? You can’t be engaged, because I don’t see any rings,” he points out, nodding towards your naked fingers, however his words make you suck on your breath.

“I’m not engaged. Not anymore,” you admit and you watch their eyes go wide at the information.

“Wait, you’ve been engaged before?” Harry asks, clearly surprised, if not shocked.

“Yeah. For about four months,” you nod, running your tongue over your lips as you reach for your wine, taking a few large gulps.

“And what did the fucker do?” Niall bluntly questions, earning a look from Harry. “What? I’m just curious what twat it takes to lose a woman like her!”

“Maybe she doesn’t want to talk about that,” Harry presses, but you shrug.

“It’s not a secret. We dated for about two years before he proposed. I said yes, started planning the wedding and everything, then found out that he had been cheating on me with his assistant for about a year. We broke up, simple as that. It’s in the past, happened a year ago.”

“That’s some next level asshole bullshit,” Niall shakes his head while Harry is just staring at you with an unreadable look before he turns his attention at his glass, still clearly deep in his thoughts and you wonder what he thinks of you now. Here is the loser who not only got cheated on, but lost her job, all of that just in one year.

Harry doesn’t react, and a moment later Izzy comes out because she is thirsty, so daddy duties call him away. Niall stays a little, but heads home soon as well.

“It was nice meeting you, Y/N. The date still stands though,” he smirks when he pulls back from the short hug he enveloped you in.

“Alright,” you chuckle, slowly getting used to his flirty act.

You was the wine glasses and head back to your room while Harry walks Niall out and then takes Izzy upstairs to give her a bath. You don’t cross paths until later when you leave your room, already in your pajama pants and an oversized t-shirt to grab some water for yourself and he walks out of Izzy’s room just then, probably done with putting her to sleep.

“I’m sorry if Niall made you uncomfortable, he didn’t mean to be rude or anything,” he apologizes as the two of you walk together.

“Oh, don’t worry about it,” you chuckle softly. “It was kind of a boost to my ego, if I’m being honest.”

Harry huffs with a smile and stops at the kitchen island, his fingers tapping on his lips as you grab yourself a bottled water.

“I’m… I’m sorry about… about what you told us earlier.”

Closing the fridge you look at him, seeing that he is kind of hesitant, like he is not sure he should have spoken up, but you appreciate the thought.

“It’s alright. Just water under the bridge,” you shrug.

“I just feel bad you had to go through that.”

“It wasn’t your fault,” you chuckle softly. “It sucked, yeah. I really thought I would live happily ever after with Keith, but instead I got a lesson.”

“A lesson?”

“When we broke up I was obviously on the floor, both literal and theoretical way. I thought it was my fault, that I did something wrong and that’s why he did what he did. I even thought that I’m not worthy of being loved and being in love again. Took me time to realize that no matter what happened, I still deserve to be happy and to find someone to love and who can love me back.”

It appears that your words touch him deep, staring back at you, he just nods shortly, not replying to anything you just said. You’re not sure he is so silent because he doesn’t really understand what you just talked about or if it hit too close to home. Whatever it is, he keeps it to himself.

“Good night, Harry,” you smile at him before walking out of the kitchen and up into your room.

You’re lying in bed already when you hear him open his room’s door and then close it and suddenly he is all you can think about. The way his eyes sometimes pierce down on you, the way he taps his fingers against his lips when he is thinking hard or the proud smile that always plasters across his face whenever he is watching Izzy do basically anything. But you do see some pain in those beautiful green eyes of his and your desire to take just the smallest fracture of it away grows, even though he is not showing any sign that he is willing to share it with you.

The next morning, despite having the day off, you wake up quite early. You toss and turn, try to fall back asleep a little longer, but you just can’t. It’s a nice, warm morning and you decide to take advantage of the little balcony attached to your room. Wrapping yourself in your fluffy robe you grab the book you started reading a few days ago and sit out, enjoying the morning Sun that’s shining right at you on the balcony.

You don’t even realize for a while that you’re not the only early riser. When your eyes wander down to the big oak tree that’s near Izzy’s playground, you spot Harry doing what appears to be yoga on a green mattress, wearing nothing else, just a pair of black shorts. No shirt.

For a moment you think about going inside, feeling like you’re invading his privacy in a way, but you have the right to enjoy the morning Sun on your balcony, it’s not your fault he decided to have yoga at the exact same time. And it’s just hard not to look at his shirtless body stretching in all directions, twisting and turning as he goes through the motions, his tattooed body on full display.

It’s been clear since the moment you laid eyes on him for the first time that Harry is probably the most beautiful man you’ve ever met and that includes all your exes. Paired with his kind of mysterious charisma and the way he takes care of his daughter, he is the whole package, but you have been busy with Izzy to dwell too long on how attractive he really is. But right now, you are not working and he is very much shirtless in the backyard, teasing you with thoughts you definitely shouldn’t be thinking about when it comes to your boss.

A shaky breath leaves your mouth as you let yourself watch him just for a few more minutes before heading back inside, not wanting to get busted for being a stalker and also not wanting to see him in more positions and have even more unholy thoughts about him.

But what you don’t know is that just as you step inside, Harry catches your figure disappearing in your room, knowing well you saw him too.

Thank you for reading, please like and reblog if you enjoyed it!

taglist

Let me know if you’d like to be added or removed from the list!

@mariamuses @pastequeharry @f-vasquezp @jgtfvhsg @trulymadlykiki @bookwormandtea @sltwins

#harry #styles #harry styles #harry styles imagine #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles fanfic #harry styles au #harry styles fluff #harry styles series #harry styles x you #harry styles x reader #harry styles x y/n #dad!harry #ceo!harry #to love and be loved series

2K notes · View notes

matthewkniesys · 2 years ago

Note

"Being able to resolve actual arguments because they both value the friendship too much." With Cale please

I just made it platonic cause that was the easiest to write :)

You pause outside of Cale's front door. You two had fought yesterday and hadn't talked it out. You both ALWAYS make sure to talk it out. so what was different about this time?

Maybe it was the fact that both of you, but especially Cale, were tired after the avs game. Or maybe you just wanted to be petty. Or maybe it was because it was your first time fighting about a guy.

You and one of your friends had started going out a couple weeks ago and nothing was serious yet but you wanted to do something with him and Cale so they could start getting to know each other, because you think this guy could be something long term.

With one last deep breath you lift your hand up to Cale's front door and knock. You hear a muffled voice on the other side of door and soon it's opening and you're standing right in front of Cale

"Um, hey y/n. Come in? Want coffee or tea?"

With a weak smile you respond tea and go to sit at the island.

Cale puts the kettle on and then looks at you. "Listen y/n, I just want to tell you that I am really sorry for what happened last night. I know i overstepped my boundaries and that wasn't okay. I won't do it again."

"It's okay. I know you were just trying to protect me and you only want what's best for me. Plus I know you spent all night feeling like shit so I think you're off the hook."

"I mean you aren't wrong. I didn't really sleep last night but it's all good. I kinda deserved it. I know you really like this guy so if it means so much to you, I'll give my best effort to get to know him.' Cale smiles at you.

"Can I ask you something?" You question Cale, wanting to know the answer to the question that had been circling your mind since last night.

"Always. Ask me whatever you want?"

"Cale, do you like me as more than just a friend?"

"Y/n, no. I never have and probably never will. I just love you so much that I don't want you to get hurt but I'm not jealous."

You exhale the breath you've been holding in. "I'm glad, cause this would've been really awkward if you were in love with me. I'm really happy that we're good enough of friends that we can talk shit out when we get into an argument cause I really don't wanna lose you."

"I don't wanna lose you either y/n."

thanks for reading and keep sending in🫶

claire's prompt weekend

#cale makar blurb #cale makar #colorado avalanche #claires prompt week #claire tries writing <3

9 notes · View notes

immaturityofthomasastruc · 4 years ago

Text

IOTA Reviews: Sole Crusher

Well... It's finally here... the episode introducing the new bee hero. And what do you know? It looks like I was right about how the new character would be portrayed.

It's kind of funny how I made predictions exaggerating what could happen, and they were surprisingly accurate. Isn't that funny?

youtube

Let's just get into the seventh (chronologically the seventh and the seventh episode in the season to air after “Mr. Pigeon 72”) episode of Miraculous Ladybug's fourth season: Sole Crusher. Damn, I hate that a pun this clever was used for the title.

We get to the point pretty quickly with the first scene being Zoe arriving in Paris and getting a tour of the city. She asks to stop at the Dupain-Cheng bakery, where she meets Marinette through some brief Unfunny Marinette Slapstick. The two quickly strike up a conversation.

I mean, it's not like Zoe is the sister of the absolute worst human being in existence, right?

Marinette compliments Zoe's shoes, and she points out that she designed them herself, and wrote every good thing anyone has ever said to her on them. But because she only has one friend, there's only a standard “I <3 U” on the left shoe.

So Zoe leaves the bakery and heads to Le Grand Paris where she meets her mother, Audrey. Unlike how she talked with Marinette, Zoe pretends to be just as snobby as Audrey in order to fit in. She then meets up with Chloe, who criticizes her for having poor person things like a phone without any diamonds embedded in it. And then she sees Zoe's shoes.

Look, that meme was already dated when it was referenced in Black Panther three years ago. Please don't try to reference memes in 2021, Miraculous Ladybug.

Chloe offers some golden heels while saying that those kind of shoes are for winners to wear and crush the losers underneath. This is the only episode to mention this kind of ideology, and believe me, it gets worse when Chloe decides to teach Zoe how to be like her.

youtube

Get used to this. This episode is all about demolishing any semblance of likability in Chloe's character. Now that Astruc doesn't have to bother with writing Chloe with decency since she's not Queen Bee, watch as he turns her into an absolute caricature of her former self.

Yes, Chloe has ordered her father to give her a lot of frivolous things in the past, but she has been shown to care about him, like immediately rushing to hug him after she was safe in “Origins” and showing concern for when he was akumatized into Malediktator while apologizing for causing it. For the love of God, one of the first things she did when she allied with Hawkmoth at the end of Season 3 was to have him unto her parents' akumatization. I guess she only cared about her rich parents for their status and not because she actually loved them right?

Next up on the list of Chloe's positive qualities to ruin is her friendship with Sabrina.

🎶It's seven o'clock in the morning🎶 🎶I can't believe they made this scene🎶 🎶With the writing Astruc's enforcing🎶 🎶It's like he's trying to piss off me🎶

Yep, Chloe doesn't view Sabrina in a twisted view of friendship anymore. Now she's a slave. I'm not exaggerating by the way, he actually said that in a tweet.

THIS IS WHAT THOMAS ASTRUC ACTUALLY BELIEVES

Okay, so I guess all those times we saw Chloe playing superheroes with Sabrina in “Antibug” and “Miraculer” were just a slave driver playing with their property. Actually apologizing to Sabrina for getting her akumatized in those episodes? Protecting her from the Scarlet Akumas in “Ladybug”? She was just interested in keeping her slave around. I think Astruc may have slept through the slavery unit in his history class. Yes, Sabrina was mostly used as a joke to show how controlling Chloe could be, but there were still semblances of an actual friendship between the two.

Chloe arrives at school and introduces Zoe as her half-sister, despite being the same age and having the same mother. Because I guess we can add basic biology to the list of things the writers don't understand. Now that we're at school, Chloe's friendship with Adrien is next up on the chopping block.

Yep, despite being Adrien's only friend and making a big deal about valuing his friendship to the point where she threw a big party just to make sure he wouldn't leave her and risked cooperating with an Akuma to save him, now Chloe just sees Adrien as a rich meal ticket. Two of the earliest episodes to show Chloe had a more compassionate side to her, and they just undid them. Even as much as I hated the episode, “Felix” showed Chloe was willing to cooperate with Marinette and her friends just to find a way to cheer Adrien up on the anniversary of his mother's not-death.

For the love of God, Astruc, 1984 was supposed to warn people about what could happen if they rewrote the past, not encourage people to rewrite the past. He probably finished Animal Farm thinking Snowball really did work alongside the humans, didn't he?

Marinette comes up and Zoe pretends to hate her, leading Marinette to wonder why she did that. She texts Zoe (she gave her number to her earlier) and invites her to a concert on the Liberty, but Chloe finds out. Zoe thinks fast and pretends it's just so she can torment her more. Chloe then takes out a book listing all the ways she can torture Marinette. I wonder if this is a metaphor for the writing process behind most of the episodes last season.

Zoe decides to go outside for some fresh air, and Andre comforts her. Funny how Andre bends over backwards to give Chloe whatever she wants, yet he's willing to actually talk to Zoe like an actual parent. Andre tries to cheer Zoe up, but she talks about her past where she had to put on an act so she would be liked, but (bet you've never heard this before) she just wants to be accepted for who she truly is. The surge of emotions is enough for Shadowmoth to akumatize her into Sole Crusher.

In addition to having one of the most clever puns for an Akuma name, I actually like Sole Crusher's design. Not only is it a good excuse to reuse Chloe's character design, it makes sense thematically, as Chloe was trying to mold Zoe into a copy of herself. The gold and diamonds also make sense given Chloe's love for shiny things. Her powers tie into the bizarre belief Chloe has about stepping on the winners. Whenever Sole Crusher kicks or steps on someone, she absorbs them and gets progressively bigger, making it easier to do so. While it's not cracking my top ten anytime soon, it's still an interesting character design.

Sole Crusher heads to the hotel to get Chloe, and she manages to get away pretty quickly. Maybe in an alternate universe, she's a track star? For some reason, she runs to the Dupain-Cheng bakery and then... Oh my God... pushes Marinette's parents so they get absorbed by Sole Crusher, before trying to do the same with Marinette.

youtube

When has Chloe ever done something like that? Whenever she endangered someone during an Akuma attack, it was unintentional or a result of her naivety. She was only trapped in Pixelator's dimension because Adrien tried diving to save her, she only alerted Rogercop to Ladybug's presence because she eagerly called out for her, and during “Zombizou” she only tried to throw Sabrina towards the horde of kissing zombies once, and that was meant to highlight her growth. The only person to actually do stuff like this consistently is Lila, but I guess she got vaporized by Big Brother offscreen.

This episode is determined to make the audience hate Chloe by retconning everything about her character while portraying her as a complete monster. As bad as Chloe could get, she was never selfish enough to use anyone as a human shield. This kind of behavior honestly could be explained by saying Chloe was lashing out as a result of losing the Bee Miraculous permanently, but the events of the Season 3 finale aren't mentioned ONCE, not even in the next episode that introduces Queen Bee's replacement! How the hell can you set up the next Bee hero without explaining why the original needs to be replaced in the first place?! And trust me, I'm going to talk about Zoe replacing Chloe later.

Sole Crusher grabs Marinette in her hand, so the Horse Kwami, Kaalki, uses her power to teleport over to Adrien's house and inform him Ladybug needs help, meaning once again Adrien did nothing in this episode before becoming Cat Noir.

At the Liberty, Chloe offers more victims to Sole Crusher in the form of the band Kitty Section (consisting of Luka, Juleka, Rose, Ivan, and Mylene) and theatens the giant golden supervillain she can send her back to Paris, even though she's really not in a position to bargain right now. And she STILL continues to insult her. Do you hate Chloe yet? Come on, do you? The writers won't stop until you do.

After we see Sole Crusher's conflicted emotions, Marinette is set free by Cat Noir and transforms into Ladybug, immediately summoning her Lucky Charm, a shoehorn. They only learn Zoe's sneakers were where she were akumatized thanks to Chloe's ranting, so the episode unintentionally made Chloe save the day. Ladybug breaks into Le Grand Paris and breaks the sneakers where Zoe hid them, using the shoehorn to open a door. So Sole Crusher is de-evilized, Ladybug fixes the damage, and gives yet another charm to Zoe.

Afterwards, Zoe goes to the Liberty, apologizes for the act she put on, all while divulging to the audience her “tragic backstory”.

Of course, everyone welcomes her with open arms.

And right here is where the biggest problem I have with Zoe as a character. I normally hesitate to use this term given how often it gets thrown around when criticizing characters these days, but I really can't say anything else.

Zoe... is a Mary Sue.

For those who don't know, the term Mary Sue originated in a Star Trek fanfiction from 1973 satirizing several self-insert stories at the time. Most of these stories showed a beautiful young woman joining the crew of the Enterprise and immediately gaining the attention of the crew. Mary Sue parodied this character archetype by showing how much she was appreciated by Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock, the latter being driven to tears at her funeral despite his species being emotionless normally.

What does this have to do with Zoe? She has the exact same storyline as Mary Sue in the parody fanfiction. Her mere presence is enough to make Chloe act extremely out of character in an attempt to make her look better, and as soon as she apologizes while giving a frankly vague backstory, everyone just accepts her as their friend, and I mean everyone in the entire class. I'm sorry, but it just doesn't feel earned. Why was she bullied at her old school? What did her bullies have against her? What caused her to stop going along with her peers, and why did everyone turn against her? How the hell did the bullies who put cockroaches in another student's locker get no punishment while the victim was forced to transfer schools? It's an intentionally unclear backstory designed to make the audience feel sympathetic towards Zoe without actually doing anything else.

I want to ask anyone reading this who watched the episode a question: Outside of her backstory, what do we actually know about Zoe?

What is her personality like? She's nice? Socially awkward? We've never had a character like that in Miraculous Ladybug before! Sorry Marinette, Adrien, Juleka, Nathaniel, Mylene, and Marc, there's a new character with more personality than all of you combined!

What are her goals? She wants to be an actress? Great, but why? Even though there's no clear answer for why Marinette loves fashion, or why Alya loves journalism, or why Nino loves DJing, you can still see the passion in their lives when they do something related to their goals. Zoe only says she wants to be an actress, connecting it to her people pleaser backstory (and given how it ended, she must be a terrible actress), and in the next episode, she immediately gets the lead role in a student film.

When Mylene got the starring role in the movie in “Horrificator”, we at least got snippets of her acting skills in the same episode that established her desire to be an actress, which is also implied to be because she was inspired by her father in “The Mime”. She didn't just say she wanted to be an actress and got the leading role. She still had problems to overcome like her cowardice, which threw her own self-confidence into doubt. Here, Zoe just says she wants to be an actress, and is rewarded for no reason the very next episode.

Zoe basically exists only to be a foil to Chloe, and the writers had no idea what to do in terms of a personality, so they just dumped a bunch of extremely likable character traits onto her without thinking of how her character could come off. And like I said, she's a Mary Sue.

I'm not the only one who thinks this. I've seen a handful of posts on this very site calling Zoe a Mary Sue. In fact, I even asked another Tumblr user @anxresi to quote their take on Zoe being a Mary Sue, which I couldn't even top in terms of accuracy. They basically listed off five things that made Zoe a Mary Sue.

She has to have a ‘tragic backstory’ so all the other characters will fall in love with her. Usually within minutes, in the very first episode they’re introduced.

She has to have a supercute design so that the audience at home will fall in love with her. And if they don’t, they’re automatically dismissed as ‘haterz’ even if their objections are purely from a writing POV.

Her only flaw will be thinking too little of herself. “What, lil ol’ me as the Bee Miraculous holder? With my shyness, colorful shoes, chic beret and personalized pink strip in my hair? Gosh, who’d have thought it?”

The contrast to her half-sister will be a constant plot point, with Chloe always getting dumped on. “You see, kids? Bad things happen to bad people. But you see this super-sweet girl over here? She gets a free DAD. Instant FRIENDS. To star in her own MOVIE. The chance to be a SUPERHERO, even though she only arrived last week. Who cares if she has no depth, no personality and barely any reason for being in the show, apart from being a massive ‘Up Yours’ to all the Chloe fans out there?”

What about character development, Mr Generic Zag Guy? “Development? What’s that?! Zoe is already perfect as she is. The only ‘development’ she’ll receive is having her hair done in the first episode she’s introduced. Besides, That‘d’ word is banned here at Zag studios. Why do you think we abandoned Chloe’s stillborn arc so quickly? This is a KIDS show, why bother trying to create a complex character with more than one dimension?”

This is essentially who Zoe is. She's perfect, has no character flaws, has a cute design so the audience will love her already, and was designed only to replace Chloe as Queen Bee. That's all she is.

So the episode ends with Zoe feeling happy at all the new friends she made while we get one of the most blatant attempts of symbolism in the ending card I've ever seen.

See, look. While Marinette is happily talking with Zoe with the image of Ladybug next to them, Chloe is to the far left with an EVIL purple aura, showing how bad she is compared to how great Zoe is. Only a braindead moron would actually like Chloe over the super awesome and pretty Zoe!

I'll give my final thoughts on the episode in the next part where I analyze this plotline as a whole.

LINK TO “QUEEN BANANA” REVIEW

#immaturity of thomas astruc #iota #thomas astruc #thomas astruc salt #miraculous ladybug #miraculous ladybug salt #marinette dupain cheng #ladybug #adrien agreste #cat noir #chat noir #chloe bourgeois #queen bee #queen b #zoe lee #vesperia #sabrina raincomprix #andre bourgeois

288 notes · View notes

flyinghome-againstthewind · 4 years ago

Text

the best by far is you: chapter 17

Read on AO3

Previous Chapter

For all the things my hands have held, the best by far is you - Cecilia and the satellite

————

Summary: An exploration of Claire & Jamie’s story if their firstborn had lived and they had the chance to be parents together of wee Faith Fraser before the Battle of Culloden.

Chapter 17

Edinburgh

June 1746

Edinburgh proved difficult to search. One lone carriage was hardly something of note for residents of Edinburgh, and that besides, Claire was quite certain this was where that particular journey had ended. They had no way of knowing where in the city Jamie and Faith would’ve gone once they’d arrived. So they checked every tavern, inn, and boarding house they could find, hoping they weren’t too late, that Jamie and Faith hadn’t moved on to some other place.

It was once again the horse, of all things, that gave them hope.

They were walking through a bustling market when Fergus stopped so abruptly in front of Claire that she nearly knocked him over. “Fergus, what are you‒”

His gaze was frozen on something ahead. “It’s Donas, Milady.”

“What?”

He didn't wait another second and surged forward into the crowd, leaving Claire and Murtagh to scramble after him. When they caught up to him, they were both brought almost nose-to-nose with a black horse that was unmistakable to them.

“Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ,” Claire whispered tightly, eyes widening at the sight before her. Donas was tucked back into a stall just off the busy street, but his head swung curiously over the wooden gate.

She glanced about, trying to get her bearings. If Donas was here, then‒

“Get back!”

The three of them startled at the sharp voice, Claire’s hand flying to Fergus’s shoulder as if that could shield him. Off to their right, a man had appeared ‒ a blacksmith by trade if his gritty, grimy appearance was any indication. “Unless ye want tae lose a hand. That beast is the devil’s own.”

Donas reared back suddenly, as if he understood and took offense. Claire was used to the horse’s attitude, but his timing always was something else, she thought. The blacksmith only took this as confirmation of what he’d just said, nodding sharply toward the horse with wide-eyed suspicion.

“See? He kens it.”

“That is not‒” Fergus began. Claire squeezed his shoulder.

“Please, can you tell us where we might find the owner of this horse?”

The blacksmith’s gaze shifted over the three of them, considering. Finally, he folded his arms over his chest and leveled a withering gaze at Claire. “Ye’re lookin’ at ‘im.”

“What?” She balked. Her gaze flew back to Donas, looking him over more discerningly. It had to be him. Then…?

“When did you acquire him?”

“I dinna see why ye need tae know.”

It was clear the man was growing tired of them, but before Claire could respond, Murtagh had fired back a reply. “I dinna see what harm there is in answering the lass.”

The blacksmith hardly concealed his annoyance but threw his hands up in defeat. “If it’ll make ye leave. A man brought him ‘round last week and sold him to me‒”

Claire felt her breath leave her lungs in a rush. A week ago. They’d never been this close before. A light, buoyant feeling filled her.

“‒ under false pretenses, mind. Tha’ horse was docile as a wee lamb when he brought ‘im here. Soon as he’s gone, I was dealing wi’ a demon.”

“Maybe you should‒”

Whatever Fergus was about to say, Claire was certain it wouldn’t have been flattering. And she needed more from this conversation still.

“Last question and then we’re out of your hair.” She felt an odd flutter in her stomach at the thought of what answers they might be able to walk away with. “What can you tell me about the man who sold you the horse?”

They’d come to stay so long in Edinburgh that Faith’s understanding of “home” was beginning to solidify around the place they’d resided there: Mary’s aunt’s house. And while the streets were still crawling with soldiers, Jamie had gone so long without incident or recognition that the wariness was fading each time he stepped outside.

Mary's aunt had been hospitable in opening her home to Jamie and Faith when they arrived with Mary, though Jamie got the distinct impression that she wasn't exactly thrilled with this arrangement, given that she knew he was a Scot.

Still, it was a safe haven while they waited for sea passage to open up again.

Jamie entered the house, lugging his bundle of purchases, and was almost immediately greeted by Faith's high-pitch squeal from the other room. He paused, wondering if it was a squeal of excitement or some sort of fit.

There was a bustle of movement up ahead from the parlor and then Faith tumbled out into the hallway, tripping on the hem of her dress. It was new to her, an old dress belonging to one of Mary's cousins, and they were adjusting it for Faith.

"Da!"

Happy squeal, then.

He grinned broadly and dropped to one knee as Faith toddled over to him, nearly tripping again as she reached him. "Did ye behave for yer Auntie Mary, then?"

She didn't respond to him, only looped her slight arms around his neck and started to hang from him, giggling all the while.

"Alright then, ye wee fiend," he laughed, scooping her up as he moved to stand.

By now, Mary had appeared at the threshold and greeted him before they all moved into the parlor. Jamie noted that none of the other inhabitants of the house were in the room and breathed a sigh of relief. He was abundantly grateful to be able to keep Faith sheltered here, but he had no great desire for the company of near strangers ‒ especially those who looked down their nose at him.

“I’ve had a letter from my father,” Mary announced.

“Aye?”

“He’s sending my younger brother to escort me back to my father’s estate.”

Jamie nodded at that, though he wasn’t sure how he should feel. “And how did he take yer news?”

“Oh quite well,” Mary said swiftly. “I knew he would. Of course he wishes I wasn’t so recently widowed, since he’ll have to make arrangements for me to be married again. But there’s no shame in being widowed and with child.”

Jamie took a deep breath, ready to dive in on that comment, but thought better of interfering in her family matters and bit his tongue instead.

“Find everything you were looking for?” Mary asked.

“Oh aye.” Jamie pulled out the fresh ginger he’d purchased. There had been a number of items he’d needed to prepare for the upcoming voyage, but none quite so important as the very thing he held up for Mary to see. “For my seasickness,” he explained and then grinned ruefully. “Canna seem to so much as set foot on a ship wi’out getting sick.”

“Is it bad?”

“It’s no’ a pretty sight, I’m sure.”

“What will you do with Faith?”

Jamie’s gaze dropped to Faith in his lap and he swallowed roughly. “I dinna have much choice but to pray the ginger tea keeps me standing. I canna afford to get sick.”

Mary fell silent at that, her hands fidgeting restlessly in her lap.

But he knew even without her saying it that it was a foolish endeavor. He knew how sick he became on sea voyages and without anyone else with them, he ran the risk of becoming too sick to care for his child. But what other choice did he have?

“I could go with you.”

Mary’s words were spoken so softly, he almost didn’t catch them. His head snapped up and he stared at her. “You canna be serious.”

“Of course I’m serious!”

“It’s‒ I mean no offense to ye, Mary. It’s only… well, yer brother is already on his way and‒”

“That’s not a problem. I’ll just leave word here with my aunt telling him where we’ve gone. He can follow after and escort me back, same as he intended before.”

“That hardly seems fair to him. How old is the lad?”

Mary hesitated briefly. “George is fifteen, he’s old enough.”

Jamie swore under his breath. “We dinna even know where we’re headed yet. Could be as far as the colonies. And even if ye did accompany us on the journey and instructed yer wee brother to follow us… by time he arrives, ye willna be fit to make the journey again wi’ the bairn coming. You’ll have to have the baby in another country, alone.”

“I’ll be alone no matter where I am,” Mary pointed out and Jamie immediately regretted his words. “Doesn’t matter if I’m in Italy or France, the colonies or my father’s estate.”

Jamie sighed. “I still dinna like the idea. Ye’re finally safe here and under no obligation to help us further. I’m already indebted to ye for getting us this far. No, I couldna ask that of ye.”

“Good thing you didn’t ask then.” Mary straightened her spine. “And it’s… it’s me who’s indebted to you. If you hadn’t come to Inverness, I’d still be‒”

Jamie raised a hand in silent pleading. After all they’d been through since he’d knocked on her door in Inverness, there simply was no keeping score of how they’d aided one another. And he valued her friendship too highly to think of it as mere transactions.

He sighed loudly, hating the idea but seeing that determined look in Mary’s eye.

“Besides,” Mary added, “I’m not really doing this for you.”

He smiled cheerlessly, once again turning his gaze back to the red-headed toddler in his lap. For Claire, she’d said at the start. And it had never escaped his notice just how much Mary risked to repay Claire’s kindness, her friendship. “Well, I thank ye for it. Truly. Ye’re a good friend, Mary Hawkins.”

The evenings were always bittersweet in Edinburgh. It meant putting Faith to bed, a small routine that they’d carved out no matter where they were, and a time that Jamie always treasured. And it also meant once his child was asleep that there was nothing to preoccupy his mind, to keep his anguished thoughts at bay.

But before then, his complete attention was always on Faith.

“C’mere, lass.”

He scooped her up and headed toward the nursery where Faith slept. He felt her head rest heavy on his shoulder as they went, and her small hand patted his opposite shoulder gently.

He was helping her change into her nightgown when she sneezed. Three times in quick succession.

“Something tickling yer nose, a nighean?” he said lightly, though his hand went to her forehead and tried to gauge her temperature. Felt normal, but there was a small voice in the back of his mind ‒ Claire’s voice ‒ reminding him that unless the fever was very high, it was often hard to discern if someone had a fever by merely feeling for it.

Faith rubbed her nose with the back of her pudgy hand and looked up at him with glassy eyes. “Christ, I hope ye’re not sick.”

He took her wee face in his hands and pressed a kiss to her hairline, then rested his cheek there for a moment. She felt a little warm, but did that mean…?

Faith’s little hands wormed their way between them and pushed his face away. “No’ sick.”

He chuckled and pulled back, startled by her boldness, her certainty. A pint-sized force of nature, even if she was ‒ perhaps ‒ feeling under the weather.

But God in Heaven! He wished Claire was here for this. For all of it with Faith, but especially this. She would know better than him what to do if Faith got sick.

“Ye ready for bed then?”

She shook her head vehemently. “No’ yet, Da.”

“Not yet?”

Again, she shook her head, this time with a hint of a smile on her face. The more she learned to talk, the better she became at delaying her dreaded bedtime. She burst into a flood of speech ‒ not much of which was intelligible to Jamie, but she had something to say nonetheless ‒ which ended promptly with the word “story.”

“Ah. Ye’ll be wanting yer bedtime story then, is tha’ it?”

A curt nod from Faith.

“Aye, I can oblige ye there, mo chridhe.”

He stood and watched Faith scurry over to the small bed that was all her own. As was their nightly ritual, he situated Faith off to one side and pulled the covers up for her before carefully easing his six-foot-four frame onto the comically small bed, curled onto his side with his feet hanging over the ledge. A gentle breeze could’ve knocked him backwards off of the bed, but this was what he’d done the first night in this strange house when Faith had been too scared to sleep alone. Now, she slept well enough so long as he was there to tuck her in, give her a story. Once she was asleep, he would move her more towards the center of the bed before he left and retired to his own room.

“What story would ye like tonight, a nighean?”

“My mam?”

He exhaled a laugh. They were always about Faith’s mam. Even while he worried that Faith would never truly know Claire, it couldn’t stop him from wanting to talk about her to Faith. To help her understand the magnitude of Claire’s love for her, and that it wasn’t Claire’s fault that she wasn’t here now with Faith.

“Aye, I can tell ye about yer mam,” Jamie agreed softly. He started as he always did ‒ with a memory of Claire, whatever came to him in the moment. And he’d simply talk for as long as Faith needed, weaving one memory into another until he noticed her eyelids getting heavy, her breathing slowing to a steady rhythm.

“Ken yer mother was verra canny,” he prefaced his next story, slipping subconsciously into past-tense when he spoke of Claire. “What she didna ken about healing could fit in a shoe. After the Battle of Prestonpans, I was so weary and hurting ‒ got stepped on by a horse that day, ye ken, and och yer mam was furious wi’ me ‒ but I came back into the cottage to watch her, tending to the injured men. She was tireless and so determined…”

When Faith was finally out, he reached over and felt her forehead again, battling a sinking feeling that Faith truly was coming down with an illness. She’d been sniffling and sneezing, but that could be nothing. Or it could be the first sign of something more.

“A Dhia…”

He ached for Claire every minute of the day ‒ needed her like the very breath in his lungs ‒ but he’d never felt so wretchedly helpless without her until this moment. What would he do if Faith became sick?

Panic squeezed his heart in a vice grip. She was all he had now. Faith, still so wee and fragile, was the only thing keeping Jamie from careening off into the dark. And suddenly, he wasn’t even sure he could do this on his own.

He wanted to steal away back to the stones with Faith, to find some way to fix this. She should be with Claire ‒ she should’ve always been with Claire ‒ and it wasn’t right that they had been separated. That Faith couldn’t travel like her mother could.

Since he was a lad, he had a habit of speaking to his departed brother, Willie. Since Willie had been the oldest, he rightly should’ve been laird. So much of Jamie’s life growing up had been the result of Willie’s death. Honors that would normally befall the oldest son passed to Jamie instead, like fostering with his Uncle Dougal or continuing his studies in Paris. This had always been front of mind for Jamie, and when faced with a decision as Laird, he found it only respectful of Willie’s memory to ask his older brother’s thoughts on choices that should’ve been his to make.

Aye, the dead had a way of living with Jamie. He hadn’t only talked to Willie, but to the plovers along the shore, which legend said carried the souls of young mothers lost in childbirth. And he’d done this for years before he lost his da, but never once in the time since Brian Fraser’s death had he spoken to his father.

But suddenly, he found himself longing to pour his heart out to his departed father, in conversations he’d been too hesitant to have with the weight of Jamie’s misplaced guilt over Brian’s death. Suddenly, more than anything, he ached for one last conversation with his da.

“How did ye do it, Athair?” he whispered in the still room the question that had been plaguing him. He was intimately familiar with the pain his father would’ve suffered when his mam died. “How did you keep on living wi’out yer heart?”

The answer was there before him in the sleeping form of Faith. His father had survived for his and Jenny’s sakes, carried them through their grief and gave them hope. And though it felt impossible, though everything within him screamed that this wasn’t how it was supposed to be, Jamie would do the same for Faith as his father did for him. “I ken now the pain ye were trying to hide, Athair. But ye raised me and Jenny well despite it all. Help me do the same.”

His hand gently brushed over Faith’s wispy curls as he then addressed his sleeping child. “I’ve told ye plenty about yer mam, but nothing of my mam and da. We’ll need tae remedy that. Another time.”

He breathed in deep and then sighed heavily. “My da only ever kent me as a lad. Sometimes I wonder… if he saw me as I am today, would he be proud of me now? Would he approve of who I’ve become? And would I be much different from who I was before... or would he still recognize me as his son?”

His thumb softly stroked at her hair just above her temple before tucking a few wayward locks behind one tiny ear. “But I look at ye, Faith, and… there’s nothing ye could do that would ever change how I love ye. How I’m bursting at the seams with pride o’er ye. And that’s one thing I ken my da would’ve been very proud of,” he shifted slowly and pressed a kiss to Faith’s head before he finally stood, “My bairns.”

It had been a week since they’d found Donas and they still didn’t have a crumb of information for where Jamie and Faith might be.

“Would it have been better to wait at Lallybroch in case he sent word? Before we went trampling across the country in search of him…” Claire wondered aloud.

“That would have taken months to wait for news to arrive.” Murtagh eyed her protruding belly, just starting to appear noticeable to others under all her layers of clothing. “Ye dinna have that kind of time to wait around.”

Claire sighed. “Aren’t we just waiting here, until we find a trace of him? Doesn’t feel much different.”

Murtagh didn’t reply, just made that Scottish sound low in the throat and eased into a chair.

There was a boyish shout from outside and Claire’s gaze flickered over to the window. Fergus was out in the street with another boy, playing some sort of game. She’d told him to go run some energy off after he’d been driving her up a wall all afternoon within the cramped confines of their rented room. They’d had no lead on Jamie even after finding Donas and that had hit Fergus hard. But even worse had been walking away without the horse that Fergus had loved so dearly ‒ all the time wondering why Jamie had sold him in the first place.

“What if they’re already gone from here? How long do we wait ‒ how long can we wait before the money is gone?”

They’d had no collateral of their own to offer up for the horse and even though they had some money ‒ money that they’d carefully skimped and saved during their journey before arriving in Edinburgh ‒ it wouldn’t last forever.

Murtagh grunted softly again. He’d heard her, he just didn’t have an answer.

Claire had even tried offering her services as a healer here when they first arrived. But Edinburgh was a bustling Lowland city, not a remote Highland village, and where those small populations would flock to Claire, the people of Edinburgh turned their nose up at her ‒ a strange woman they had no cause to trust or even to need in a large city such as this. So even the small hope of word getting out to Jamie of a Sassenach woman healer had quickly been dashed.

Her gaze sought out Fergus again and her heart sank in her chest. She wasn’t sure how much more disappointment they could shoulder before it became all too much. Or how much longer they could search before the only obvious solution was to turn home for Lallybroch.

Her hand fell to her belly. Murtagh was right about that at least. They didn’t have all that much time before there would be a baby to consider as well.

The ports had reopened in Edinburgh ‒ but not without British control over what came in and out of the harbor. The sale of Donas helped provide enough to book passage on a ship, but they’d had to be careful in arranging it. Jamie had begun to notice the new broadsheets going up around Edinburgh and among them, one for Red Jamie. No doubt as the dust from Culloden began to settle, his disappearance hadn’t gone completely unnoticed.

He had followed the captain of a cargo ship recently docked in Edinburgh into a tavern one night. The captain ‒ a Scot through and through ‒ and Jamie swapped tales over drinks well into the night and only once he was sure the good captain had been plied with enough drink to make him amiable did he bring up the request to book passage with him.

“Ye dinna even ken where we’re going,” the captain laughed, his cheeks ruddy from drink.

Jamie laughed too, though he realized he’d made a misstep. That it might sound more suspicious now than if he’d learned of the destination first. Instead he tried to play it off as being cavalier. “Tell ye the truth… it doesna really matter where ye’re going, so long as it’s away from here.”

The captain chuckled and shook his head. They negotiated the price and sealed the deal there at that tavern table. “Write yer names down for me. I’ll have them added to the ship’s manifest. We sail in three days. Dinna be late.”

“And where are we sailing for?” Jamie finally asked.

“Och I thought it didna matter!” The captain roared with laughter again and Jamie reminded himself he couldn’t strike the captain that was giving him a way out of Scotland.

The captain stood to his feet, a bit wobbly at first try. Jamie thought of Mary and how she planned to leave a letter for her brother to be able to follow. How could he follow if he didn’t know where they went?

He opened his mouth to speak, but the captain clapped him hard on the shoulder and said, “Le Havre, man. We’re only going so far as Le Havre.”

In three days’ time, Jamie, Mary, and Faith were at the docks ‒ Jamie with his hair recently dyed black to cover his roots and Faith with her red hair tucked under a bonnet and then the hood of her cape as a precaution.

They would need to be allowed past by the Redcoat checking the ship’s manifest, the only hurdle standing between them and freedom. And having spoken with the captain that night in the tavern, they couldn’t fall back on their old gimmick of Jamie-as-a-mute. But this was a calculated risk he knew he would take, hoping that the time and miles between here and Culloden would be enough to shed any suspicion that he might be Red Jamie.

“Name?”

He met the eye of the Redcoat staring him down. “Alexandre Beauchamp,” he said evenly, letting a little bit of his admittedly imperfect French accent bleed into his thick Highlander dialect in hopes that it would at least confuse him. Off the surprised look from the man, he added with an easy smile, “I get that look a lot. My father was a Frenchman but my mother a Scot. Ye can see for yerself which side I favored in looks.” He could hide the red hair, but the towering height, the build of a man descended from Vikings… that could not be so easily hidden.

“And your companions?”

“My daughter, Faith Beauchamp, and Mary Hawkins.”

The man’s gaze flicked between Jamie and Mary, and though Jamie’s heart felt as though it might beat right out of his chest, this conversation was flowing exactly as he’d anticipated. They were almost through.

“And your relation to Mistress Hawkins?”

“My late wife’s sister. She’s accompanying me to care for my child.” It wasn’t terribly far from the truth ‒ and it was a necessity now to be able to explain why Faith called her Auntie Mary.

“And your reason for journeying to Le Havre?”

“My father’s family is there. My grandfather is in poor health and I must return.”

The Redcoat looked him in the eye again and Jamie knew what question came next. “And are you a Jacobite or have you ever aided the Jacobites in any way, Mr. Beauchamp?”

“No.” He was met with a look of vague suspicion and he mustered every ounce of easy confidence into next words. “I am not nor have I ever been a Jacobite, or a Jacobite sympathizer for that matter. And I never aided their cause in any way. I am loyal to the crown.”

The Redcoat quirked one eyebrow at that and Jamie felt his stomach twisting into knots. “They all say that… now.”

But with a quick jerk of his head, the Redcoat dismissed them. Jamie blinked, stunned for a moment that it had been that easy. Because even without proof… the Redcoats could have treated him any way they wanted. That was their claim as victors. They didn’t need a reason to not let him through and that had been the one variable Jamie couldn’t have planned for ‒ the mercy of a Redcoat.

He shifted Faith to one arm and moved past the man, ushering Mary ahead of him up the gangway to the ship.

“Sir! Wait.”

He froze, hearing the Redcoat’s voice ring out. Mary stopped too and whirled around to look back at him. His hold on Faith tightened and he turned slowly.

The Redcoat stared at him curiously.

Jamie forced a smile. “Have I forgotten something?”

“As a matter of fact…” the man held out his hand. In his palm was Sawny, which Jamie had given to Faith to keep her occupied. She must’ve dropped it.

“Ah. I thank ye, Corporal.” He grabbed Sawny and handed it back to Faith. “I would’ve had a verra unhappy child on my hands had that been left behind.”

He wasted no time waiting for a response and turned with Faith to head back up the gangway where Mary still stood. “Let’s go,” he uttered under his breath when they reached her. The sooner they could be at sea, the safer he would feel.

What he hadn’t expected to feel was the loss.

He held Faith in his arms as he stood by the railing and watched Edinburgh fade farther and farther away. Watched his homeland fade away, knowing they’d likely never return.

“Christ,” he muttered, blinking fast against the unexpected sting of tears.

Faith stretched her arm out in front of her, towards land, and waved.

“Ye saying goodbye, a leannan?”

“G’bye,” she echoed in a soft, song-like voice.

Ah but he would do it all again in a heartbeat for her, no matter the cost. It was always for her, for her wellbeing and chance at a happy life.

She grinned up at him ‒ not a trace of sickness, though they’d dealt with the sneezing and runny nose for a few days before she was back to her usual self. “Ken you’re mine, a nighean, but ye dinna have to rub my nose in it that yer stomach is as hearty as a sailor’s,” he teased her before moving below deck, where Mary was waiting. His stomach was already rolling and it was only a matter of time…

July 1746

Claire was writing a letter to Jenny ‒ an update without much news, but she still wanted to keep Jenny apprised ‒ when Murtagh burst into the room, startling her violently.

“Jesus Christ!”

Without giving her much time to recover, he dove breathlessly into the reason for his unsettling arrival.

“I just spoke with a deckhand down at the docks, just come back from Le Havre.” Murtagh’s eyes were aglow and Claire tried to temper the hope buoying in her chest. “He said he remembers someone that looked like Jamie who booked passage on the ship last time they came through here. Said he was sick as a dog the whole trip… and he had a wee lass with him.”

Claire was trembling and her simple question came out in a frantic whisper. “When?”

Murtagh smiled broadly, his chest still heaving as he tried to get the words out without stopping for a breath. “Just last month. They’re in France, a nighean. We found them.”

She hardly recalled how she went from sitting at the desk to being wrapped up in an almost painful hug from Murtagh, shouting with joy to keep herself from bursting into tears.

“What’s going on?”

She pulled away from Murtagh to see Fergus enter the room, concern etched into his face.

“What happened?” he asked.

Claire couldn’t keep the smile from her face even as her vision misted over with tears. Not just for her joy of being reunited with Jamie and Faith, but for Fergus’s as well. “Murtagh found them, love. We’re going home!”

When Fergus ran to embrace her, she nearly stumbled backwards from the impact of it. She cupped the back of his head and held him tight, rocking slightly.

“We’re going home.”

“D’ye have everything then, Mary?”

“I believe so.”

Jamie turned to help Mary up into the carriage. Upon arriving in France, they’d gone first to Jamie’s Uncle Alexander at the Abbey of Ste. Anne de Beaupré, that being the closest and safest place to turn to. Jamie and Faith meant to stay on at the abbey a bit longer, but Mary needed to return to Paris, to her aunt and uncle who would welcome her into their home until her younger brother arrived.

“Wait. No. I did forget something in my room.” Mary turned and stepped down from the carriage. “I’ll be right back,” she yelled over her shoulder.

“It’s alright, lass. We have time.”

“Jamie!”

He turned to find his uncle exiting the abbey, making a path towards him. “Aye?”

“We’re expecting a delivery to the abbey today. Could you help them unload when it arrives?”

“Aye of course.”

It wasn’t long after his uncle had left him that he noticed the wagon jolting down the dirt road towards the abbey.

Nobody saw what spooked the horse pulling the wagon as it neared the carriage.

It happened too fast, the one horse trying to buck itself free of the wagon, and the team of horses hitched to the carriage panicking as a result.

One moment, Jamie was standing beside a carriage and the next, he was flat on his back with a searing pain in his leg and a crushing weight pinning his body down.

And then it all went black.

#jamie x claire #outlander #outlander fic #faith fraser #tbbfiy #the best by far is you #my fic #OL fic

75 notes · View notes

tsukishumai · 4 years ago

Note

HELLO! i was wondering if your requests are open,,, if they are can i pls request prompt 44 from angst with oikawa??? THANK YOUUU!!!. p.s the kita angst broke me i- TT

HELLO!! Yes, requests are open, tysm for requesting something! 💘 & aw I’m sorry haha, I wasn’t too confident abt that one so to hear that u liked it makes me uwu 🥺 hope u like this one!

Send me a prompt + ur fav character here :)

44. “What am I in your life? Because as of lately I feel as though I’ve been nothing to you.”

Word count: 1.2k

A/N: Eek, again I suck at angst so I apologize if this is terrible <3

You really only had one goal in life, and that was to be successful. There was no nuance to it, no specific path you intended to follow. Hell, even which career you wanted for yourself was up in the air. But all of those things were just minor details. Regardless of whichever mountain you decide to climb, you had every intention of sitting yourself right at the very top.

It was only natural to want to be the best, isn’t it? You couldn’t think of one good reason why you should be satisfied with anything other than first place. That’s why out of all the applicants, you were the one awarded a scholarship to the prestigious Aoba Johsai. It wasn’t a stroke of luck, nor an answered prayer; and it truly irked you when people tried demeaning all your efforts by simply boiling it down to happenstance. You studied your ass off, spent days and nights with your nose buried in a book or camped out in a library, and in the end it paid off.

Not a lot of people understood. If people were trying to be nice, they would say you were just ambitious. But if people were trying to be mean, they would call you shrewd and cold. None of those things mattered to you either way; the view of their upturned faces as you looked down on them from your pedestal provided you enough fuel to warm your lonely nights.

It’s not that you didn’t value friendship; you managed to cultivate a few acquaintances, and it’s not like you sat by yourself a lunch. But high school just felt so arbitrary; Aoba Johsai was just one of many steps towards your future, what was the point in forming connections with people you would probably never have met if not for the fact you were all born around the same time? You watched as your classmates settled into their cliques, formed their little groups, and - as much as any high schooler could - fall in love.

You didn’t hate love. You just didn’t see the point, really. You saw the way some of your friends start obsessing over their significant other; friendships start to break, grades start to slip, mental health goes on the decline. Why would you want that? Not after spending all your time in setting up the foundation for yourself; there wasn’t a single part of yourself that you were willing to give to anyone else.

So why was it you were standing in front of Oikawa Tooru, eyes nearly swollen shut from the tears that forged a streaky path down the planes of your cheeks, snot disgracefully dripping from your nostrils as you desperately choked back a sob?

“How long have you known?” You asked, but you weren’t prepared for the answer.

“A year,” he mumbled shamefully, unable to even look you in the eye. If you did, you would see tears of his own threatening to spill, but at the moment all you saw was red.

“You’ve known... for a year?”

“Y/N,” Oikawa attempted to reach out to you, but you stepped back and slapped his hand away.

“Is this why you’ve been blowing me off lately,” you whispered, Oikawa’s odd behavior finally beginning to click in heard.

You haven’t felt the touch of Oikawa’s hands in weeks; the very same ones that always reached out for you, guiding you to exactly where you need to be with their permanent presence on the small of your back. His eyes that always seems to be able find you in any crowd were downcast, shifted away until you forgot what it felt like to melt under their intensity.

At first, you simply chalked it up to his devastating loss against his oh so beloved kohai. Nationals had been a dream of Oikawa’s that will now never come into fruition. You, of all people, knew the overwhelming heartache of coming up short. It was his passion and dedication to the sport that drew you to him, after all.

But after weeks of near radio silence, you start to feel yourself begin to unravel. Had you done something wrong? Was he still this upset about the loss? Is there something more you could to help alleviate some of his stress? Is he starting to lose interest in you? Maybe he doesn’t find you attractive anymore?

These were thoughts that would never have even had the chance to cross your mind before. Now, the lack of sleep and uneasiness building in your chest had you two seconds away from bursting.

Instead, you felt your whole existence deflate when you had been handed back your first failing grade. The angry red marks began to swim in your peripherals, wondering how you could possibly have let yourself fallen this far.

You had one goal. One clear goal. Now, your vision had been expertly muddled by wavy brown hair and bright teal volleyball shorts.

“And you just made this decision without even thinking of me?” Your voice cracked at the last accusatory word of your question, growing increasingly irritated Oikawa’s unusual silence.

It’s infuriating the more you thought about it, really. You didn’t want this. You never wanted any of this. You just wanted to graduate high school at the top of your class, get into a good college, and start working your way up in the world. You were content to stay in your little bubble if it meant that you’d be able to achieve your dreams.

But Oikawa was Oikawa. He was simply too bright to ignore. And like Icarus to the sun, you thought yourself invincible until you flew close enough to burn from his radiance.

“What am I in your life?” You spat out, and the words left a bitter taste in your mouth, “Because as of lately I feel as though I’ve been nothing to you.”

Oikawa’s head snapped up, anguish stamped on his features as he desperately said, “You’re not nothing to me!”

“Then how could you do this?” You pleaded, disgusted at your pathetic groveling.

Oikawa shook his head, as if begging you to understand. “It’s not about what or how much you mean to me. I have to do this for myself and my future.”

It was so ironic, it made you livid.

Oikawa Tooru had successfully wedged himself into your life, deconstructing your walls brick by brick, gracing you with the warmth of his presence and the ardor of his love.

Only so he could be face to face as he drove the knife into your heart himself, allowing you a taste of pseudo happiness until it was time for him to take it away.

“Good luck in Argentina, Oikawa.”

His eyes widened at use of his last name, panic shooting across his features as he tried to stop you from leaving.

“Wait, Y/N -“

“Good bye.”

And you knew it wasn’t fair to him. You knew he was only doing what he felt was right, you understood that much too perfectly. It was irrational of you to shed tears over the most logical choice for Oikawa to make. You should be supportive, you knew that. But the embittered thought of being left behind was just too heavy to bear.

You walked away and never looked back, leaving behind two broken hearts.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

(You look up at the sky as an airplane left trails of clouds that blasted through a sunset painted with pastel pinks and purple hues.

You briefly wondered if this plane was taking Oikawa Tooru back home.

It never is.)

#oikawa toru #oikawa tooru #oikawa x reader #oikawa toru x reader #oikawa tooru x reader #oikawa angst #oikawa toru angst #oikawa imagine #oikawa fic #haikyuu #haikyuu!!#haikyuu!! scenarios #hq #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu!! imagines #haikyuu angst #hq hc #haikyuu imagines

188 notes · View notes

markberries · 5 years ago

Text

n e v e r e n o u g h┊draco malfoy

anon requested: hi!! can i request an angst/? imagine where slytherin!reader and draco have always been friends and are part of the same group (blaise, pansy, etc) and reader is in love with draco and is always there for him, but draco does not value her or the things that she does and had done for him, and he actually thinks she’s kinda annoying??? idk if this makes sense :(

info: you always did everything for draco, it’s unfortunate that he never realized how important you were to his life until you were gone.

warnings: cursing

genre: angst

word count: 1.3k+

a/n: hiiii everyone ♥ send me cedric reqs because i just watched tenet and robert pattison was so FINE i cannot.. also this was quite short bc there wasn’t much to go off of,, but enjoy!!

people always said that everything you did for draco was crazy, because it was so obvious that he didn’t care. you never listened, draco was one of your best friends. you knew each other since you were in diapers, and your families were quite close.

of course, you had been pining for draco for months now, you never acted on it, in fear of ruining the “friendship” you two had. you were friends with quite a lot of people within your house, you were a very sociable person and being a slytherin didn’t stop you from talking to people in other houses.

most of the slytherins looked down upon your positive attitude, but you didn’t mind.

the clock on the far wall of your history of magic classes ticked loudly, echoing through the silent room. your fingers grazed your notebook sitting on your desk as you watched others around the room complete their written test. people’s pencils danced across their papers, you could hear the sighs of students who failed to study beforehand.

you felt someone nudge your shoulder, whispering a “pst”. you turned your head to look at draco, who was obviously stressed, his pleading face basically begging you to help him, as you were the smartest and quickest person to finish the test.

you weren’t surprised, of course. you assisted draco with all his problems, whether they be small or large. you never expected anything back — that’s what made you easy to be taken advantage of.

draco knew of this, and he knew that you were clueless to his actions. yes, you may have been childhood friends, but draco didn’t care. he didn’t care if he ended up breaking your heart, he didn’t care to lose you as a “friend” (as you call it), and he couldn’t think of a valid reason that could make him care.

“i didn’t study for this test,” he whispers to you, you hold back a grin. in your point of view, this was an opportunity to assist malfoy and to gain admiration from him, but everyone else knew damn well that he was using you.

“okay,” you say in a small voice slightly pushing your paper towards him. he smirks, eyes switching back and forth from his paper to your own, quickly writing down answers. blaise, sitting to your right, gives draco a disappointed look. in response, draco is quick to stick his tongue out and continue to finish his test.

—

“why do you keep doing that?” blaise pulls draco aside after the test, but made sure to let you walk off before scolding him. chatter erupted around them, the sound of pansy’s familiar voice ranting about something to you getting farther away.

draco scrunches his eyebrows, gathering his items and placing them in his book bag. “doing what?”

“you know exactly what you’re doing, malfoy,” blaise tells him. draco felt like he was being lectured by his mother, something he also did not like. draco’s foot taps against the hardwood floor, a slight echo following it. he was irritated — it’s not like it was his fault that you liked him.

“what? she likes to help me, anyway. i don’t see a problem here. what are you gonna do about it? tell her? like she’ll believe you.”

draco was blaise’s friend, if that’s what you can even call it. being close with him didn’t mean that draco didn’t know how to push his buttons though. blaise thought for a moment, wondering if he should tell you after all. how would you handle it? would you be in shock? stay silent — afraid to speak, maybe. or maybe you would cry, sob like someone had died. you were a big crier, after all. maybe you wouldn’t believe blaise, maybe you were so obsessed with malfoy that you’d completely disregard anything blaise said.

so he decided to stay silent.

both draco and blaise began walking to the great hall, an awkward aura sitting in the cool air. you sat patiently, waiting for the two, but listening to pansy talk about her boy problems at the same time.

you wanted to tell draco how you felt, you were tired of hiding it. you hated the feeling of holding in the urge to explode and hug him when you saw him, you were confident that this was the right choice.

“go away,” draco’s voice yelled out, followed by a sniffle. you poked your head around the hallway corner, seeing draco with puffy eyes and a frown upon his face. your heart swelled, all you wanted to do was help him.

“draco? are you okay?” you said to him, walking over slowly.

“i said leave.”

“you know i can’t just leave you here, can’t you just tell me why you’re acting like this?”

draco goes quiet for a second, thinking. finally, he turns around with a nod.

you remembered that day ever so clearly, draco had been having trouble at home, disappointing but expected. draco opened up to you that day, pouring out his feelings, but walking away as if nothing had happened after that.

that was the first time he hugged you, arms wrapping around your waist tightly, a quiet sob into your shoulder. you wiped his tears that day, telling him everything would work out in the end.

your face lights up when you see him and blaise walk through the door, the same scowl on his face as always, blaise with a slight smile. they walk over to you, pansy, crabbe, and goyle.

this is it.

telling someone you’re in love with them shouldn’t be that hard, right? guys had done it to you before. they didn’t seem upset when you politely said no, they respected your choice (most of the time).

draco rejects you, that would be the worst outcome. confessing shouldn’t be hard, but it felt hard. the feeling of dread creeping up on you as you stood up, taking steps towards the two boys.

adrenaline pumping through you, anxious thoughts filling your head while you begged your feet to sit back down, yet your heart pushed them further, speaking for you when you asked, “draco? can i talk to you?”

walking with him outside of the great hall is what stressed you out more, steps away from spilling out your thoughts of admiration about him. did he already know? what could happen? does he have a girlfriend that i don’t know about?

soon enough, you were merely feet apart from each other, eyes locked onto one another. you tried to speak, opening your mouth, but no sound came out. you were scared.

draco’s piercing eyes were getting impatient, he wanted you to spit it out already, and soon enough, you did.

“i like you.”

he stays unfazed, careless, and still staring at you. you expected him to say something, anything. he chuckles, running a hand through this hair.

“do you think i’m mental? i already knew.”

your heart stops for a moment, you’re unsure of how to reply, and the only thing you could focus on was the ringing in your head, bouncing from ear to ear.

“you’re just so.. irritating. could you not cling to me, for like 5 seconds? i can’t do this, seriously. i thought you saw already, but clearly you’re as oblivious as everyone thought you were. i don’t like you, y/n. for god’s sake, just leave me be. stop hanging around my friends. they don’t like you either.”

as stated before, you were a big crier. you knew that your eyes were probably red already, tears running down your face. it had taken you a minute to process it as you stood still, no one in the hallway except for you two.

how had i not seen this coming?

your hands stayed by your sides, gripping at the fabric on your skirt, knuckles turning white. you thought draco was your best friend.

“you’re such an asshole. i’ve done so much for you, i’m your shoulder to cry on. i help you out on all your tests, assist with your projects, hell — i deal with your family problems. i listen to you, i listen to whatever you say, and i don’t think i’ve ever heard a “thanks” from you, once! so you know what? enjoy your life without me. i ‘m sure it’ll be fantastic.”

and with that, you walked away, a fresh feeling of hurt lingering in your heart, and a stinging sense of regret in malfoy’s.

#draco #draco malfoy #draco imagine #draco malfoy imagine #draco angst #draco malfoy angst #harry potter

288 notes · View notes

darkisrising · 4 years ago

Note

What fairly universal dinluke headcanons do you find yourself returning to over and over? Why do you find them compelling?

Hey you! Thanks for the ask!!!! (I'm soooo bored without a laptop 😭😭)

I think the thing I can't seem to escape in my dinluke fics is this idea that they are absolutely, 10000%, for sure going to get Mandalorian married. It's now happened in so many of my fics that it's seriously becoming a problem. I don't think I've ever married a pair as many times as I've done it to these two.

I don't think it's because of some deep seated need for me that they have a "traditional" long term relationship as we might see it in our world. I might be married myself but I don't see it as some magic institution that automatically means forever love. Marriage is NOT for everyone and yet I can't shake the notion that it's absolutely right for THEM.

Din's journey in the show makes it clear that family is very important to him. Having a clan of two meant something significant for him. It was a seismic shift in his life and his perception of himself. Do I always agree with his parenting? Hell no, and frequently the parent in me needed to walk away when he was, say, telling his toddler to play with live wires. BUT it's clear by how much more he laughs, how much happier he sounds, that in his bones he's meant to be a family man. Also, not for nothing, but he needed the armorer to tell him formally he was a clan with Grogu, so I imagine he'd similarly need a formally acknowledged relationship with someone to be more comfortable.

Luke, I think, is a social creature. He needs others around, which is why he fell so easily into the rebellion and the friendships he did in the OT. Which is also why he became an angry blue milk guzzling mountain man in the ST when he went into iso away from others. He's not good with being alone. And since I don't like what he turned into in those movies I'm convinced we need to interrupt that timeline by giving him bonds with people that are strong enough to pull him back from the brink if he decides, say, that he absolutely needs to lightsaber his nephew because a bad dream told him to. Din would NEVER let him get away with that nonsense, especially not to a child.

So I guess that's why I find the marriage thing compelling enough to return to, because it seems like something they could both benefit from. Further, I think those particular vows articulate their relationship, their values and the realities of being two of the (almost) last of their kind really well.

***

Wanna send an ask? Go ahead. Make my day.

#dinluke #headcanon #dark is thinking #ask game

34 notes · View notes

retrogradedreaming · 4 years ago

Note

heyyyyyy if you wanna write more sk8 prompt / headcanon things,,, may i request (imma give you options because i am ✨indecisive✨and don't know what you'd want to write lol)

okay so shadow giving the group friendship bracelets (idk how you feel about writing for shadow hence the other options because i panicked and this was the first thing i thought of lol)

or langa just sitting down and talking to carla because i feel like he would (also kind of a weird one lol)

or uhhh oH you like matchablossom ! joe feeling self-conscious about acne scars (or having acne as a teen ???) and cherry telling him that he's beautiful (in whatever way cherry would iuygfyuhi)

sorry for three options lol this is also partially a way to procrastinate doing my homework ✌🏻so thank you for providing me a means of distraction anYWAYS HAVE A GOOD DAY iuhgcfghuijokijhgv

Sorry this took a while!! I went with the first prompt for a challenge and it ended up WAY longer than I thought. I hope you like it! And thanks for sending these! I love the other ideas, too, so I might come back to them.

---

If there was anything Shadow knew, it was how to curate an image. At work, he created arrangements and bouquets to say exactly what the customer wanted. When he skated, he was the clown punk of the S community. Until recently, he’d never let those identities overlap. Now that they had, it felt almost like forming a third persona—except this wasn’t one he had to work so hard to maintain.

He’d started making the bracelets offhandedly at work on a slow afternoon at the flower shop, braiding and weaving colorful thread from the supply drawer. They normally used it to dress up orders, but there was so much that they wouldn’t miss a few feet. He didn’t realize that he was making them for his new group of friends until he’d finished the second one, and by then it seemed a waste not to finish the job. Now that he had friends who knew and actually liked both sides of him, he felt like they deserved...something. Something to show them what it meant to him, that it mattered.

And yet, once he’d finished them all, the idea of giving them to everyone made his chest tighten as he thought that maybe they’d all judge him after all. As Shadow, it was easier to pretend not to care, but he couldn’t pretend it wouldn’t mean something—something he didn’t want it to mean—if they did.

Still, the next night he showed up at S, five bracelets laden with charms and beads clacking together in his pocket. He swore he could hear them, even with the crowd around him. His palms sweat beneath his gloves, and he was only grateful that no one else could see how nervous he was behind his makeup. He couldn’t remember the last time he was this nervous, even for a beef. This should be easy. His friends wouldn’t just reject him over some bracelets. And if they took them home and threw them away, well...at least he wouldn’t be there to see it, so what did he care?

“Hey, you good, Shadow?”

Shadow jumped, and it was only when he stopped to look for the source of the voice that he noticed that he’d walked right by the same people he’d been looking for. Reki leaned forward, one foot on his board, looking intently at Shadow and obviously expecting an answer.

“Of course I’m good,” Shadow barked, but Reki didn’t seem convinced. He raised a brow and shrugged, shoving one hand in his pocket and absently raising one of his hoodie strings to put it between his teeth.

“If you say so,” Reki said, settling back against Langa’s shoulder. “You seem kinda weird tonight, though.”

“What do you mean weird?” Shadow shouted, voice low and gravelly. “I’m supposed to be weird! It’s not my fault you don’t know what it means to get into character.”

“He’s right, though,” Miya chimed in. “It’s outside your normal weirdness, and it’s kind of creeping me out.”

“I didn’t even do anything!” Shadow exclaimed, and his heart sank. This was exactly what he’d been afraid of, and part of him was already shoving his plan to the back of his mind, ready to leave the bracelets in his pocket and toss them himself once he got home. He could do it, and no one would know but him.

“It’s true,” Cherry mused from where he stood in Joe’s shadow. “You don’t usually look so...bothered when you’re here.”

“Listen—” Shadow began, whipping his hand from his pocket, only to hear a soft clacking as two of the bracelets hit the ground—the one he’d intended for Reki, bright red and decorated with beads of different sizes and a bright orange alstroemeria flower charm, and the other for Langa, soft blue thread woven simply with a white gerbera.

“What’s that?” Miya asked before Shadow could scoop them up and hide them again. He almost did anyway, almost tried to pass them off as some trick meant for a beef he wasn’t even skating tonight. In the end, he resigned himself to risking every single friendship he’d built over the past several months, and sighed as he held out the bracelets to Reki and Langa.

“I made them,” he said, and his voice lost some of the edge he reserved for his S persona. “Sorry I didn’t wrap them or anything. I didn’t wanna do anything too fancy, y’know? Anyway, if you hate it, at least wait until I’m not around to get rid of ‘em.”

Reki took his without hesitation, Langa picking his own up out of Shadow’s palm like he might break it if he weren’t careful. Reki twisted the beads between his fingers, rubbing them over the different sizes like they were a miniature skating course as a grin spread across his face. Langa immediately tried putting his on, fumbling until Reki paused long enough to help him tie it around his wrist.

“It’s soft,” Langa said, running his fingertips over the delicate braiding, and that told Shadow all he needed to know. Langa was particular about textures, and he always stuck with the same clothing brands because he knew how the fabric felt. Shadow knew to take it as a compliment when Langa left the bracelet on.

A weight felt like it had lifted from Shadow’s shoulders, and he let himself relax. He took the last three bracelets from his pocket, offering the next to Miya. The vibrant purple thread stood out next to the others, and it was the only one he’d added an extra charm to—a silver cat paw—along with the freesia he’d chosen for the youngest member of their group.

“I didn’t know a slime could make something so tasteful,” Miya remarked as he let Shadow tie it around his wrist.

“Watch who you’re calling a slime,” Shadow growled, though there was almost no bite behind the words. “I can always take that back.”

“After all that just to take it out of your pocket?” Miya scoffed, flicking the paw with a finger. “You wouldn’t.”

It was true, Shadow thought, as he turned to give the last two to Cherry and Joe. He wouldn’t dare take them back when his friends actually seemed to like them, and even more than that seemed grateful to receive them. It was what he’d hoped for, but he’d also learned by now to hope for the best and expect the worst so he didn’t get too disappointed if things didn’t work out. After all, so few things in his life had happened as he expected, for better or worse, and now, as he handed over a thin pink and brown woven bracelet and another green and woven like thick rope, he wanted to savor this thing that had.

“Hey, it’s not a cherry blossom,” Joe pointed out as he peered sideways at Cherry’s bracelet.

“Yeah, I thought it would be too obvious,” Shadow said, rubbing the back of his neck.

“The zinnia is appropriate,” Cherry said, eyes roving over Shadow’s handiwork as if he were trying to find fault. And yet, when he took his eyes away from it, he gave Shadow a smile that Shadow recognized as the same one he practiced for most others at S—except this one reached his eyes. “A symbol of acclaim and enduring friendship, correct? Certainly more refined than jealousy.”

“What do you mean?” Joe demanded when Cherry gestured to the bracelet in his hands.

“A yellow rose stands for jealousy,” Cherry said matter-of-factly.

“It means friendship, too,” Shadow cut in before their squabbling could turn into a full blown argument. What he didn’t say was that he knew yellow roses also symbolized jealousy. He worked at a flower shop, after all, and had put together enough subtle spite bouquets for people forced into occasions they didn’t want to attend that he of course knew all the various meanings of different flowers. Roses were some of the most versatile, and he’d hoped no one would pick up on the alternate meaning—the one that said he envied Joe’s strength as much as he valued his friendship.

“Put it on for me,” Cherry said, holding the bracelet out to Joe and lifting the hem of his pants to reveal his ankle.

“Sure, princess,” Joe said, taking the bracelet and stooping to the ground.

“Where’s yours?” Langa asked, eyes migrating to Shadow’s wrists, clad only in his spiked gloves. Shadow followed his gaze, turning his hands over absently, as if he didn’t already know he’d never made himself a bracelet.

“I didn’t make myself one,” he said. “It’s kinda weird to make a friendship bracelet for yourself.”

“I don’t think so,” Langa mused. “You’re our friend, so you shouldn’t be the only one without a bracelet.”

“Hey, yeah,” Reki said, grasping Shadow’s hand and inspecting his wrist like if he looked hard enough, a bracelet would materialize.

Shadow pulled his hand away. “It’s not a big deal. I made those for you guys because you’re the only people who know this me and the other me. I just wanted to do something to show that I...well…”

“That you care,” Miya supplied, and Shadow was glad that his mask covered the heat that rose to his face.

“Whatever,” he muttered, only to catch Reki and Joe both grinning out of the corner of his eye.

“It’s still not the same if you don’t have one,” Reki said, tapping at the beads on his own bracelet. He thought for a moment, and just as Shadow opened his mouth to say it was fine, that he’d make himself one eventually if it was that big a deal, Reki’s face lit up. Before Shadow could ask about it, the group was already dissolving to skate, each person wearing their respective bracelets.

The next time they gathered at S, Reki gave Shadow a gift of his own—a bracelet woven in orange thread bearing a yellow chrysanthemum.

#'mini fics' i said #not one of these has been mini #i'm a little nervous it's ooc because i've never written shadow but it was fun to write!#also hope this helps while you suffer through robinson crusoe #sk8 the infinity #sk8 shadow #hiromi higa #sk8 fanfic #fanfic asks #that-was-anticlimactic

14 notes · View notes

nillegible · 5 years ago

Text

Not Death, but Sleep

(A 3zun fix-it fic)

‘Not death, but sleep,’ the story went. The little well spirit, too weak to break the death-curse that a greater dark spirit that had placed over the innocent baby, had pressed her hand to the infant’s forehead. She had poured all her soul into a single blessing, all her strength for one thing only; that the child would sleep, not die.

“Why couldn’t she practice and grow stronger?” Meng Yao would ask, and Mother would laugh and poke his cheek and tell him that well-spirits are very small, but she tried her best. The story always sat wrongly with Meng Yao. Back then it had, at least. It was not fair that the well spirit couldn’t fix what was wrong. It wasn’t fair that the princess had been cursed as a baby, before she’d done anything to deserve it. It wasn’t fair that the queen couldn’t find anyone but a forgotten little well-spirit to try to save her child. “It’s not fair,” he’d tell her, each time the well-spirit blessed the infant and fell short of her desire, and each time his mother would smile.

“Ah, my precious A-Yao, you are right. But the world is not fair, and she could only do what she could do.” Mother would say, smiling in that soft way of hers, pinching his cheek lightly, before she continued the story. “Because it seemed hopeless, the king demanded that every spindle in the land be…”

Meng Yao Jin Guangyao likes the story no better now, but he understands more than he did back then. Jin Guangyao was also too weak. “She could only do what she could,” Mother would say, and he now understands the heartbreak of that being not enough.

“I want you to kill Nie Mingjue,” Father had told him, two weeks ago, now. His voice had been low but pleasant, like he’d only been asking Jin Guangyao to pour him more tea.

“Father, I’m trying to get him to stop asking about Xue Yang, I’m sure that I can–”

“I have given you time. And it is not just that boy. Nie Mingjue grows troublesome in other matters as well, he seeks to destabilize me at every turn. You will remove him.” His voice had stayed pleasant. His eyes had glittered coldly with warning: Jin Guangyao was far less valuable than a Sect Leader, and would be far far easier to dispose of.

“I understand Father. I will take care of it,” Jin Guangao had said, and has not had a moment’s peace since.

It doesn’t take him long to decide on a method.

Or rather, it’s not long before the ideal method is dropped straight into his lap. Er-ge requests a favor, asks him to please learn Cleansing, a powerful Lan sect technique to clear resentment and settle an unquiet spirit. Nie Mingjue’s temper and health were in decline, and Er-ge wants Jin Guangyao to help him heal. His hope – that this would give them an opportunity to mend the broken trust and friendship between them – was transparently obvious, but Jin Guangyao has never found place in his heart to deny this man anything.

“We can help him, A-Yao. We must. Da-ge is not himself, and we need to… We cannot lose him.”

Lying is no harder than speaking, for Meng Yao, but this time the lie tears into his lungs. “Of course, Er-ge. His brothers will support him until he is well again.” I’ve been asked to kill him, Er-ge. Why would you trust me with this?

It does not matter that he does not want to do it. Jin Guangyao practices Cleansing at Qinghe under Lan Xichen’s careful tutelage. At Lanling, he spends sleepless nights perfecting a darker, foreign melody, meant to tear someone’s sanity apart.

His heart is troubled, and he doesn’t know if it’s because of the lack of sleep, the discordant notes he coaxes from his guqin each night, or the cold, lingering gaze of his Father that seems to ask, have you begun? Will he die?

The answer is yes. Yes, Jin Guangyao will kill him, because he has been asked. Because when it comes down to it, he is the dark spirit that had lost its way, and would destroy someone who was undeserving of the malice. Someone who was loved.

The first time that Jin Guangyao plays the piece for Nie Mingjue, his heart pounds in fear while his hands elegantly play the butchered, chimeric tune. He’s afraid that his eldest sworn brother would notice the difference in the song, would notice that it felt wrong, even after the last note is played and lingers in the room as he looks up to meet Nie Mingjue’s eyes. But Nie Mingjue, even tenser and more ill-tempered than he was before Jin Guangyao started to play, just nods and thanks him shortly and walks away.

It’s terribly rude; Jin Guangyao would be injured by such treatment on any other day.

Today, he has begun slowly killing the man. He will not take insult.

Jin Guangyao spends his time after returning to Lanling terribly nervous, unable to focus as usual. Perhaps Nie Mingjue had not confronted him immediately, but would reached out to Lan Xichen with his suspicions?

His fears are unfounded; a letter arrives for him a week later from Sect Leader Nie. Could he trouble Jin Guangyao to return and play for him soon? He did not wish to disturb their second brother, who was still busy with the rebuilding of his sect.

Jin Guangyao promptly sends a response: He would be honoured to help, he would make the time to visit as soon as possible. (His fingers do not tremble on the guqin strings as he practices the song alone, in preparation. He wonders at the monster he’s become.)

It’s while he’s playing for Nie Mingjue the second time that it happens. His eldest sworn brother is doing his best to relax – there’s incense, and the tea they were served has calming properties – but Jin Guangyao’s music is doing as intended, and Nie Mingjue’s face is visibly tense, his jaw locked, and the longer it goes on the worse it gets.

It’s partly the music, partly the frustration that he isn’t calming down as he should be. Jin Guangyao imagines that it is not unlike the panic that insomnia brings him, the desperate desire to just fall asleep making him anxious enough to drive any semblance of rest from him as he lies awake in the dark.

His fingers fumble on the strings and he stops, startled. Nie Mingjue’s eyes open and he looks to him questioningly. “Is something wrong, Meng Yao?”

It’s the wrong name. Always the wrong name. But at the moment, for what he wishes, it may just be the right one. Nie Mingjue has wronged Meng Yao many times, but Nie Mingjue was also the one who had defended him from cultivators who taunted and mistreated him. Nie Mingjue was the first person to value him, to give him a chance to prove his worth, and then acknowledged that he did well.

It was because the queen had swept the well-spirit’s forgotten shrine, Jin Guangao remembers. That was why the well-spirit stepped up to divert the curse.

He stares a moment longer at Nie Mingjue, long enough that he frowns, and this time Jin Guangao imagines his brows are creasing in worry not anger. “Are you alright, you’ve gone pale.” His voice still betrays his temper; a barely contained inferno, but Jin Guangyao is partially to blame for that.

“Forgive, me, Da-ge. May I start again?”

“If you need a break, you can have one. You can play for me later,” Nie Mingjue says.

“No, please, close your eyes again. I merely realized something.”

Still looking faintly suspicious, Nie Mingjue does as asked and shuts his eyes.

Jin Guangyao sets his fingers to the guqin and plays again. This time the music is simple and clear, lifting and rejuvenating. When Jin Guangyao plays the last notes and looks up, the anger has melted away from his sworn brother. He’s smiling faintly, and Jin Guangyao’s eyes catch on the softness of it.

When Nie Mingjue opens his eyes, and sees Jin Guangyao watching, the smile doesn’t fade. “You figured something out, didn’t you? This time felt so much better.”

“Yes, Da-ge. I was a poor student, Er-ge will not be pleased with me for taking so long… but I understand now.”

“Xichen will never be displeased with you, that you play it so well without the Lan’s rigorous training is a credit to your skills. And I thank you,” Nie Mingjue says. He breathes deep, as if enjoying that he can. That faint smile has still not vanished. “I am much improved.”

Jin Guangao knows. The spiritual power of Cleansing is considerable, and when played correctly and regularly it could bolster Nie Mingjue’s spirit and life for decades longer.

“You’re welcome Da-ge. I promise. I promise to do what I can to help you.” And this promise is not a lie, not a vow he means to break.

Father wants Nie Mingjue dead, and Jin Guangao does not have the means to stop him.

But he can divert the curse.

Not death, but sleep.

That, Jin Guangao can do.

[Author’s Note: The particular form of the sleeping beauty story used here I got from Vathara’s fic Embers! It’s a gorgeous version and I love it.

Somehow an old post of mine, where I said I should write a fic about MY hiding NMJ away and faking his death to appease JGS popped back up? I’d completely forgotten about it. But well, it’s a lovely idea, so I thought I’d start on it! I hope you liked the fic!]

#meng yao #jin guangyao #nie mingjue #mdzs #the untamed #fairy tale castle #fix-it #3zun fix-it #nieyao #nielan #sleeping beauty

216 notes · View notes

nordleuchten · 4 years ago

Note

Who was Lafayette friends with throughout his life, and were there people he wasn’t so friendly with? Thanks :)

Hello Anon,

La Fayette was the sort of person who made friends easily. He was not a grumpy person, being on good terms with somebody was his default mood so to speak – but there were also more than enough people with whom he was not on the best terms. During the French Revolution they did not call him “the most hated Man in Europe” for no reason. After all that I have read it strikes me as if you either loved or hated La Fayette and that there was little middle ground. The point that I want to make; I had to draw the line somewhere. The list I am going to present you is by no means complete. There are many names that could (and probably should) be added. Without further ado, lets get started.

Starting in America, we have George Washington. I think there is not much more that needs to be said about their relationship. It is commonly known how close they were and how much their relationship meant for both of them. Beside Washington, there was Alexander Hamilton. He and La Fayette first met early on in the War for American Independence. Hamilton was fluent in French and close in age to La Fayette. Their friendship was quickly formed and grew stronger as time progressed. Back home in France, La Fayette wrote Hamilton with a special proposal. Hamilton should send his oldest boy, Phillip, over to Paris, there to be educated under La Fayette’s guidance, while La Fayette would send his boy, Georges Washington, over to America, there to receive an education with Hamilton as a guardian. This plan never came to fruition, but when Georges Washington had to flee France for America during the French Revolution, Hamilton and his family took him in and tried to help him as good as they could. La Fayette never forgot that. After Hamilton’s untimely death in 1804 he wrote to George Washington Parke Custis that:

“Hamilton was to me, my dear Sir, more than friend, he was a brother. We were both very young, when associated with our common father; our friendship, formed in days of peril and glory, suffered no diminution from time: with Tilghman and with Laurens, I was upon terms the most affectionate; but with Hamilton, my relations were brotherly.”

This quote not only gives insight in La Layette’s with Hamilton but also perfectly sums up his relationship with John Laurens and Tench Tilghmam: most affectionate.

On to some people who are sometimes forgotten - James McHenry and James Monroe. James McHenry first met La Fayette when they both were members in George Washington staff. McHenry later transferred to La Fayette’s staff (March of 1781) and was one of his most trusted aide-de-camps. He often was chosen as La Fayette’s “liaison-officer”. I have three excerpts from letters by La Fayette, detailing his relationship to McHenry. The first one was written by La Fayette to McHenry on February 15, 1781, a few months before McHenry joined his staff:

My tender friendship and affectionate Regard for You, will Not lengthen this letter with Assurances from My Heart While the Heart itself must Be known to You. I intend to write You Again in a few days and with Every Sentiment of Attachement and Esteem Have the Honor to be Yours Lafayette

The second letter was addressed to General Greene on August 12, 1781, concerning a potential transfer McHenry’s in Greene’s staff.

McHenry is So well Acquainted with My Sentiments for Him that He knows My attachement is independant of whatever Steps He Might take on the occasion. He knows I am not of a temper that finds faults with the Measures of My friends, and that I will ever feel an obligation to the Man who obliges General Greene.

The last letter was written to McHenry on December 26, 1783. McHenry at this point had already retired from the army.

As an ardent lover of America I am glad to Hear of the influence You are said to Have in Congress. As Your most affectionate friend I shall Be glad whenever You Have an opportunity to display Your abilities. If Congress do not send me Any Commands, I shall Most Certainly embark in the spring. If they Have Commands for me, I would Be thrice Happy to Receive You along with them, and to Make with you french and European travels. You ought to Make them charge you with some political commission to Courts in Europe, and I would like going as a volonteer with you. [Manuscript torn; part a line missing] Your family and our friends. Most affectionately I am for [manuscript torn; several words missing]. Lafayette

I showed you this many letters for several reason. First, McHenry deserves more attention if you ask me. Second, they show not only their emotional relationship but also their professional relationship and illustrate how convinced La Fayette was by McHenry’s merits - and lastly, I like them all and could not decide. :-) Years later, during La Fayette’s imprisonment, McHenry was among the people who tried to help him gain his freedom.

On to James Monroe. Monroe was, just like Hamilton, close in age to La Fayette (actually, La Fayette was older then Monroe by several months) and spoke French. They both moved in the same social circle during the Revolution and had some common friends. It was also Monroe, who, with the backing of Congress, invited La Fayette to visit America once more in 1824/1825. La Fayette received the rights to some land during this visited and later gifted some of this land to Monroe so that Monroe could start paying off his mounting debts. Here is what La Fayette wrote to Monroe on December 19, 1784:

My dear Sir I Have Received your letter to mr jefferson, and shall very Carefully deliver it. Our old friend Gibbs will give you a Bundle of papers for McHenry which I Beg you will keep for Him untill He Comes to Trenton. To morrow morning, My dear Sir, I set out for Europe, and Before I go, it is pleasing for me once more to assure you of the value I Have By Your friendship, and of the affection and regard I Have the Honor to Be With My dear Sir Yours Lafayette

I may or may not have chosen this letter because McHenry also makes an appearance - but Thomas Jefferson is also mentioned, so the selection is valid, because Thomas Jefferson is the next one on our list. Jefferson’s and La Fayette’s friendship blossomed especially during Jefferson stay in Paris as ambassador to the French. La Fayette even consulted with Jefferson when writing the Déclaration des droits de l'homme et du citoyen de 1789. Later, when they met again during La Fayette’s last visit to the United States in 1824/25, they embraced each other and cried tear of joy over the fact of being able to see each other again.

With that, I would like to leave America behind and move on to England. More people could be added though. We see in La Fayette’s letter to General Greene for example, how close these two were. La Fayette had a very friendly relationship with most generals, officers and aide-de-camps in the army.

In England, we see something very interesting. Many of his friends there were actually former opponents of his during the War of Independence - when the House of Commons discussed whether the British Government should try to take actions or not, some of La Fayette’s most vocal allies were veterans of the War of Independence. Another noteworthy friend of his was the Whig politician Charles James Fox. Who really stands out among La Fayette’s English friends tough, is a young women. Her name was Francis “Fanny” Wright. I have planed to write on her separately at some near point in the future and because this post is already way too long we keep things brief. Fanny was a feminist, abolitionist and social reformer. I wager that some of her ideas and proposals would even today be considered somewhat controversial. But she and La Fayette grew quite close and she even accompanied him on his tour in America in 1824/25 (although not officially). Their friendship illustrates two things about La Fayette. He had many female friends – not just female friends, but strong and intelligent and outspoken female friends – and he was not at all faced by that. He also had friends that were considered “bad company” – and again, he was not really put off by that. With that being said, let us continue to France.

France was his native country and he had many friends there; starting with his family and his in-laws. With only a few exceptions La Fayette had close and loving relationships with his family members. There is this one lovely quote from a letter he wrote his wife Adrienne on October 29, 1777 that I simply had to quote:

“(...) for my daughter will be always, I trust, my most intimate friend; I will only be a father in affection, and parental love shall unite in my heart with friendship.”

You have to keep in mind that La Fayette was a nobleman from the 18th century. Such affection for your children, especially daughters, was common not as one would like to think. But of course he had also friends outside his family.

First in my mind there is the La Tour-Maubourg family. Three brothers with all three of whom La Fayette was close. Marie-Victor-Nicolas de Faÿ, marquis de La Tour-Maubourg was a General during the Napoleonic Wars and saw a lot of action. For a short time he was imprisoned with La Fayette but then quickly released. I would say that La Fayette was probably the least close with him. Next up is Juste-Charles de Faÿ de la Tour-Maubourg who was also captured by the Austrians but just as quickly released as his brother. He later married La Fayette’s oldest daughter Anastasie. The current King of Belgium is their descendant. The last brother was Charles César de Fay de La Tour-Maubourg and again, as if to continue a family tradition – he was captured together with La Fayette but unlike his two brothers, he was only released in 1787. I would say that La Fayette was the closest with him. After the death of his wife Adrienne, La Fayette wrote him a very, very long letter, basically laying all his grief and pain and anguish bare. Another dear friend was Bureau de Pussy, again one of La Fayette’s fellow prisoners (being in prison or fighting in a war together appear to be La Fayette’s go-to bounding-activities).

Soooo ... after we have scraped the surface of the category “friends” we can move on to the category “not-so-friendly”. Great parts of La Fayette’s live were spend on the public stage ... and as you all can very well imagine, he was bound to make some enemies there. Beside the people with whom he had a personal misunderstanding, there were the ones he enraged with his political opinions. He was a well known supporter of the American Revolution and therefor not too dear to many people on England and to American Loyalists. Things became really interesting though, when the French Revolution gained speed. La Fayette was a centrist, he was searching for a middle path. That actually worked quite well for some time but as soon as more radical factions began to gain influence a middle ground became harder and harder to pursue. He Royalists called him a traitor to the monarchy and a revolutionary while the Revolutionaries called him a traitor to the Republic and a Royalist – he really could not win. While he was not well liked among the leading Revolutionaries (Robespierre, Saint-Just, you name them), few disliked him as much as Doctor Jean-Paul Marat did. I am currently reading Marat’s L’amie de peuple and there a literally complete issues of the paper dedicated solely to La Fayette and all his alleged wrongdoings.

Things were not necessarily better on the side of the Royalists. When La Fayette entered the palace of Versailles after the event that came to be known as the Women's March on Versailles, he had to pass through a crowed of courtiers in order to reach the King and confer with him. Suddenly, a voice rose from the anonymity of the crowed – “Here comes Cromwell”, a courtier shouted. That is how many people at the court saw La Fayette at this time – as a French Cromwell. The Queen Marie Antoinette was on a later occasion reassured that she did not have to worry, La Fayette would protect her and the King. To that the Queen replied: “Lafayette is here to defend us, but who is to defend us against Lafayette.”

La Fayette’s troubled relationship with the Monarchs of France continued after the Revolution. He and Napoléon hat their ups and downs in their relationship – but mostly downs as time progressed. His relationship with Louis XVIII and especially with Charles X also was strained to put it mildly.

As I have said repeatedly, this is just a brief overview of La Fayette’s different relationships. I nevertheless hope that I could help you out with your question.

I hope you have/had a wonderful day!

30 notes · View notes