#tf2 help they are in russia now

[skiipst]

uhmmm yeah show them

[supernova41st]

One small step at a time! 🛸

Tf2 x Juno!reader

A/n: This one’s for all my overwatch babes <33 ik this idea is rlly niche but this was so fun to write I’m so proud of this. Most of these can be interpreted as platonic but read however you’d like, enjoy ✨

Warnings: Scottish people, Drinking, Passing out drunk

Vocab: (p/f) - Parental Figure

Engineer

He has such a father daughter relationship with you

When you first landed on earth he was extremely fascinated by the technology your (p/f) discovered to get to mars, especially your anti-gravity boots

“So these things are just makin’ you float around?”

“Yeah! I’m not really used to earths gravity so my (p/f) sent me off with overboots!.. how do you guys get anything done while stuck on the ground?”

“We just make do with what we can, sugar”

His fav activity with you? Lounging. Doesn’t look like much but his rancho relaxer + you using your jetpack to ‘sit’? Soo cute

You guys would just be chilling in his workshop after doing whatever task it was you were doing <3

“You want a beer, Buttercup?”

“No thank you! I’m not really fond of drinks with alcohol since all we could drink at mars was juice and water”

“shoot, glad I’m not you”

He’s definitely one of the mercs who warmed up to you the fastest, he’s just chill like that.

Medic

Pls don’t tell him your from mars, weird shit is gonna happen

He’s going to treat you like one of his test subjects, at first it starts tame with general check ups but it escalated pretty fast.

When doing his uber surgery on you he decided to explore more things

“..how long was I out, Dr. Ludwig?”

“Oh not long!! Just two.. days”

“What? You said it would only take about 20 minutes!!”

“Vell yes I did say that my Martian friend, however I must say curiosity got the best of me! I simply had to know more about your anatomy”

“Uhm,, ok”

Yeah you’re so scared of him now lol

But of course you two do need to work together to try healing your teammates

He loves it when you heal him, it’s always a pleasant surprise since he never expects to get healed, like ever

“Here! I can help you!!”

“Oo, so vats how it feels..”

Spy

Yeah he doesn’t think your good for the team

Sure it was interesting to meet someone who was born and raised in a completely different planet, however your inexperience with earth was enough for him to neglect you

Once you visited his smoke room to find abundance of books, you being new to earth were excited to see all the knowledge they carried

“Wow! Can I borrow this one? I’d like to learn more about earth and its continents!!”

“Go ahead, I never made use of that thing anyways”

It always catches him off guard how little knowledge you have about earth, especially since your were chosen to go on the mission to earth

Once you randomly found a globe somewhere in the break room and got so fascinated by it

“Earths colors are beautiful, I’d really like to go the that purple one!”

“Y/n, Russia is not purple. And you don’t want to visit there, it is full of trash people.”

“Oh..I see”

He doesn’t guide you to earth like the rest of the mercs, he wants to really straighten your back and push you to your limit

“Would a croissant go well with your meal good sir?”

“Excuse me?”

“You seem like you are from the Western Europeans my (p/f) brought back to mars!! Au revoir madam, please enjoy your tea”

Tbh that moment made his heart melt by just a little bit. Hey, he’s not a monster he can have heartfelt moments.. sometimes

Sniper

You are so fascinated by him, literally just him

For the most part it’s because of his job title ‘assassin’, you’ve never heard of such a job back home.

“Is it true you earn currency to kill specific people?”

“Why of course Sheila, who else would do it?”

“Well, on mars we kinda just let them live even if we don’t like them.. that’s a thing here right??”

You love going on roadtrips with him so he can show you around, just to see get a feel of that New Mexican dirt

You two have a relation where he misses his parents despite always arguing with them, and you miss your (p/f) because you two now live on completely different planets.

On those trips you tend to enjoy chilling in the back of his trailer. You can’t stand spending another second on an uncomfortable leather seat!! So you roam around a lot in what he basically considered his home.

“How was it back there? ‘eard sum ruckus out in the front.”

“Oh right! I am trying to get use to earths gravity so I tried cleaning up here a bit, I hope you don’t mind!!”

He almost cried, you reminded him of his ‘mum’

Whenever you’re curious about any animal you always go to him, we all know Australia a place with weird animals so

“Mr. Mundee, is this spider deadly?”

“I’m not sure, you should probably check in with doc tho. Your face lookin pretty swelled there mate..”

“Oh thank the stars! I was sure this was a lion..”

You passed out from the poison.

It’s good tho, sniper carried you to Medics room like the big brother he is 🧡

Demo-man

YOURE SO SCARED OF HIM

MORE THAN MEDIC

Not only is he obsessed with the drink that you’ve literally never heard of until you arrived in earth, but the way he acts makes it seem like crack

You have so many questions, they almost never get answered because he’s either too drunk or he’ll pass out with medic dragging him out the room

“Is it true that your stomach now declines any normal drinks?”

“Ayouhhh it’s just beerdelicois burp”

“..is he going to be alright?”

“Oh no worries my Martian friend, this happens all the time.. although I can never tell if he’ll live or not”

When on the battlefield he’s always screaming and creaming, sometimes it scares you so much to the point where you ask your fellow teammates to help you

“MR. CONAGHER, I THINK DEMO IS TRYING TO ATTACK ME!!”

“Darlin’, I thinks he’s just tryna get some healing..”

“But why is it yelling.. ☹️”

Now you’re scared of Scottish people, and convinced they probably eat their youth

Soldier

He def plays a father role like engineer, but way less charm and warmth to him

He’s like a dad at a soccer game, he’ll cheer you on but aggressively, to the point where it seems like he’s booing you

In the lobby he’d always do his soldier talk, and it never fails to make you do you best

“NOW, WILL YOU HAND THAT TEAMS ASS AND FEED IT TO HIM, OR AM I GOING TO HAVE TO DRAG YOURS BACK TO MARS TO YOUR MOMMA?”

“No sir!! I’ll feed it to them!”

“THATS RIGHT MAGGOT”

Soldier is always hard on you, sometimes he calls you a ‘space commie’ just for jokes, although his tone definitely sets you off

When you unleashed your orbital ray he started screaming about ‘the commies getting to us’, you had to reassure him several times that it was something you had full control of

Scout

This guy was ecstatic when he found out his new teammate was going to be from space, scout is really into comics (even tho he can’t read) so his imagination went wild when Ms Pauling announced that he’d be fighting alongside what he considered an alien

Once you arrived he was in awe, he thinks you’re the coolest person on the team solely because you’re from another planet.

But he did quickly recognize that you weren’t use to like, anything on earth.

He handed you a cold can of Bonk just for you to look at him confused

“What do I do with this?”

“You drink it?”

“..um I don’t think you’re supposed to drink ‘atomic punch’, that sounds like it hurts 0-0”

He had to teach you how to drink stuff that wasn’t in an aluminum bag, you didn’t take a liking to it but you got used to it

Scout offered you to sleep on the top bunk because he wanted to be nice and all, huge mistake.

The next morning you completely forgot you were on a different planet, so you rolled and fell 9 feet from the bed to the floor.

“Jesus y/n!! what the hell happened?”

“I think I.. fell? Falling feels weird..”

Gets so hype when you two are on the same team, he’s so ready to clock the enemy team with orbital ray

“Scout! My orbital ray is ready!! ^^”

“Whooo! Let’s go then E.T what are we waitin’ for??”

For the most part he’s the one who shows you everything you need to know about earth, baseball is his favorite thing to teach cuz obviously

When you joined him to watch a baseball match you were so excited yet so lost

“What happens if they win? Is this a war?”

“No? Toots it’s just a game”

“Hm, intresting.. then I must try this ‘game’ too!”

[xxiamtiebrousxx]

Hi, you write very cool, I love reading your posts. Can you please make mercenaries with a teenage girl reader? She's originally from Russia. Y/n is a big fan of horror movies and other creepy stuff. Her favorite hobby is walking around abandoned buildings and diggerism, she likes to take things she finds in buildings with her as souvenirs. One shot as all mercenaries go with her to the abandoned hospital, if it's not hard. They have fun, have wheelchair races, scare each other, draw graffiti, until they hear some strange noises, the mercenaries think it's y/n since she moved away from them, but she stands next to them. Y/n as the bravest decides to go into the room where the strange sounds are coming from, dementia and courage, there she sees a group of some people, they notice her and start chasing her, y/n shouts to the mercenaries to run away and they all escape from the hospital ttogether. I apologize for the errors in the text, English is not my native language

A/N: WOO WEE, IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I'VE WRITTEN ANYTHING TF2. Sorry this took so long! I've been trying to find myself again and improve my writing! So, I hope you enjoy as I try to finish all these requests... (I hope I got everything in this request)

Horror Flicks and Thrillers (Mercs x Teen! Reader)

Hailing from a small, unknown town in Russia, you moved to Teufort only a few years ago. You were younger than you were right now, around fourteen years of age. Maybe even younger. You were seventeen now, living with a group of men known as Team Fortress. They were mercenaries, every single one, with different and unique jobs. You had grown to love them like family. They accepted you into their family. When you arrived, you weren’t fluent in English. Scout and Heavy helped you learn. Heavy did most of the work, providing flashcards and having Scout translate it back to English. Weeks had gone by and you spoke full sentences without hesitation. They attempted to raise you, seeing as you were now one of them. It wasn’t easy, especially since they were paid killers constantly fighting the enemy team. You tried not to make it hard for them but your obsession with creepy things and horror movies got in the way.

“Can we watch the Mike Myers film again?” you sweetly asked Heavy as he chopped onions on the cutting board. The giant did not shed a tear as he chopped the onions in one swoop. They seemed to have no effect on him. “I love a good Halloween movie. Or two.” Heavy grunted.

“That will be the eighth time this week, leetle Y/n,” he replied. You frowned. “Are you not tired from watching the same films over and over?” A grin grew on your face. You weren’t tired of the same horror flicks. You loved them so much. You knew you would die watching the films. It’d be the last thing before you went into the afterlife. It didn’t matter if it was even the classic horror or thriller films.

“Y/n, didn’t you hear me?”

“Hmm?” You looked back at Heavy, who simply sighed. He wasn’t trying to sound disappointed. But it was a bit frustrating when you didn’t listen. You got lost in thought a lot.

“Mind helping me?” he asked again, this time with your full attention. You nodded, mumbling “Uh huh” and went around Heavy. You grabbed a bowl and Heavy slipped the diced onions into it. He placed the knife and cutting board into the kitchen sink. Today was fish and salad onion day. The onion was mixed with other vegetables and served as a side. When Heavy was the one to cook the dish, it was like heaven on the mouth. It was something known to keep you shushed about your horror flick obsession.

But you had a plan for later that night. You were going to make it terribly unforgettable.

*>/<*

You helped Scout carry the dishes to the sink. It was Pyro’s turn to wash them. Spy and Heavy were very hesitant to let Pyro do it, since last time he shattered every plate and burned them like a bonfire. Ms. Pauling was not too pleased with that incident.

“Alright, those are all the dishes,” Scout declared, placing a stack on the larger side of the sink. You followed him into the living room, where he crashed on the couch next to Engineer. He sighed. “So what are we doing tonight?” he asked. A grin grew on your face. The team discussed what they were going to do. Spy recommended that you all played poker, Pyro suggested making it “Movie Night” tonight.

You slowly snuck off as the discussion quickly turned into a heated argument. Pyro was the one to notice you sneak off and quietly followed. It was dark and cold outside. The lights from inside barely illuminated the front yard. You sighed. It was a beautiful night to go breaking into haunted hospitals. Pyro never mumbled a word. He simply followed you to Spy’s extremely expensive sports car. He watched as you shattered the window and snuck in the car. You pulled out the steering system, exposing the wires. You began to hot-wire the car as Pyro leaned his arms against the shattered window. You almost had the engine running when you heard a voice call out, sending chills down your spine.

“What do you think you’re doing?!” You flinched back.

“Privet (Hello) Spy,” you sheepishly replied, lifting your head up so he could see you. Spy’s face was red with anger. “I’m just simply… pochinit' tvoyu mashinu (fixing your car),” you lied. Spy raised his eyebrow. You sank back into the driver’s seat. “Okay fine, maybe I was hot-wiring it to take it out.”

“And why, may I ask?” Spy said. Pyro looked to you, then to Spy, and back to you again. There was a hunch Pyro knew what you were planning.

“Um, for a late night drive,” you answered. If Spy’s eyebrow could lift any higher, it would. He wasn’t buying it. You slouched back in the seat. “Fine, I was going to steal it to check out an abandoned hospital.”

“An abandoned hospital?” a cheery voice called out. It was Medic, who was being followed by the rest of the team as they headed out. “I would love to go with jou!” A big grin grew on Medic’s face. Spy’s expression was one of shock.

“No, no, non,” he replied, shaking his head. Scout grinned. 

“Heck yeah, let’s check out a creepy hospital! I need something to do anyway,” he said.

“No,” Spy sternly said. “And that no is final!”

*>/<*

 The dirt path leading into the woods was illuminated by the van’s headlights. For some strange reason, everyone agreed that visiting the hospital was the thing to do tonight. You happily hummed, tapping your hands on your lap as Medic slowly started to hit the brakes of the team minivan. Spy sat up front, grumbling to himself and chewing on his cigarette. He was annoyed that no one listened. You were thinking to yourself, who died and made you boss? Heavy had to carry him against his will. Spy wasn’t going anywhere.

Scout impatiently tapped his foot on the dirty carpet of the van. He never had any patience. He had a record of running red lights and getting in trouble with the police.

“When are we getting there?” he whined. “My everything is numb. I need to run.” Medic brought the van to a stop, placing the brakes and turning the vehicle off. Scout was the first one out, creating a dirt storm as he ran around, stretching out his legs. You followed him.

“Wait up!” you called out, chasing after Scout who was long gone already. Someone grabbed you by the scruff of your collar, lifting you up in the air. It was Heavy, and he had a stern look on his face. “Aww, Uncle Misha!” you whined. “Let me run with Scout, please!” You wiggled around, struggling to break free from Heavy’s grip. He shook his great big head. 

“No.” He set you back down on the ground and snatched Scout by the ear. He wriggled around in pain, arguing with Heavy to put him back down. You chuckled. Spy stepped next to you, exhaling smoke from his cigarette.

“Could we please get a move on?” he asked, clearly complaining. He just didn’t want to show it.

*>/<*

Engineer fiddled with the powerbox, attempting to fix the lights. Sniper wheeled Scout around in a rusty wheelchair. The runner laughed, throwing his arms into the air. Sniper had a smirk plastered on his lips. Spy disappeared to who knows where and Medic was losing it over the pristine tools left behind in the abandoned hospital. You found a small dirt pile and began to dig. You were searching for small souvenirs to take home. 

“What are you doing, cadet?” Soldier asked in his gruff voice. 

“Stuff.”

“What kind of stuff?” He kneeled down and used his bare hands to dig with you. You completely ignored the spraying coming from Scout’s paint can as he painted graffiti onto the wall. Your fingers were stained with dust and dirty, finding a small gold coin. Soldier found a pencil snapped into two pieces. You found a few abandoned soda cans.

Digging got boring very quickly. Soldier found a few maggots and you had dared him to try and eat them. He was struggling to. They wiggled around in his hands, squirming to get free.  You wound up dragging Soldier over with you to help Scout paint the walls. Pyro joined in, happily mumbling and spray painting horrible depictions of people dying in fires. He probably thought he was drawing beautiful unicorns and silly little babies.

Medic found a barricaded door with scratch and burn marks. There was moaning coming from behind the door, something that caught everyone’s attention. Scout leaned in, pressing his ear up against the door to hear what was behind the door better. He lifted up one foot and was about to kick it down when instead,  Heavy pushed Scout to the side and kicked the door open.

“That’s how you do it,” he said, dusting off his hands. Scout scoffed and stuck out his tongue very briefly. You giggled. Heavy didn’t notice and Scout lived to see another day.

“What is this place?” you asked, following Heavy inside the room. It was dark. Engineer snatched Spy’s match box against his protests and lit one. 

“Oh my gosh,” he muttered. You screamed, scrambling over to Heavy. 

People moaned like zombies, walking around blindly and moaning like mummies. They were pale, almost a ghastly shade of green. The “zombies” wore nasty, dirtied hospital gowns. They were patients left here to die. The doctors must’ve thought they were a lost cause. Medic, on the other hand, had thoughts about getting new experiments.

As soon as the doors opened and you let out the scream, the patients looked to you and the mercenaries, their heads whipping around quickly. Engie dropped the match out of fear.

You screamed again. Or was it Scout who screamed?

The scream, once again, caught the attention of the “zombies” and they came rushing out, running at fast speeds despite their conditions. 

“RUN!” Scout shouted. Everyone listened, although they were calmer than Scout. Heavy picked you up with ease, throwing you over his shoulder. He grabbed Engineer and stopped Pyro from taking one of the patients with him. Demoman picked up Medic and Spy, who held onto Scout. Sniper was just running for his life, grabbing onto his hat.

“Ahh, zhis is fun!” Medic exclaimed, grinning maniacally. He giggled with glee.

“For you it is!” Scout snapped back.  The adrenaline was pumping. You looked behind you as the patients were baring their teeth, foaming out the mouth. You squeaked.

“Run faster Uncle Misha!” you shouted. The hospital was a maze. You and the mercenaries weaved in and out of rooms, struggling to find the exit. The patients were closing in on you. 

“How are they so fast?!” Scout exclaimed, dodging a swipe. He started to slow down. That wasn’t a good sign. “How do we get out of here?!” 

A gun cocking in place caught your attention.

“We fight,” Spy announced, placing his finger over the trigger. 

“You brought a weapon?!” you asked. “Why didn’t you use that earlier?! And…” Medic pulled out his saw, Demoman had a shattered beer bottle, and Engineer had his gunslinger. Almost everyone had a weapon.

“To the death, gentlemen.”

*>/<*

It took a while, but you pointed out to follow the exit signs. They were the only things working in the hospital, dimly glowing. It was stupid, but it worked. Soon, everyone was back in the van, covered in blood. Medic was healing Scout, who had slammed into a wall. You sighed, approaching Spy.

“Sorry we dragged you out here,” you replied. He scoffed, lighting a cigarette.

“Surprisingly…it was fun,” he said. You grinned. Was he being honest with you? Spy enjoyed tonight?

“Really?” you asked. He smiled, ruffling up your hair.

“No, we almost died.”

[local-arsonists]

OH BOY HERE WE GO- a lineup of the TF2 OC team that's been living in my head for some while. no it's not all of them and it's likely that these designs are going to change, except for maybe the medic, engineer, spy and sniper designs. I'm putting my infodumping about them under the cut because why not. I'm going left to right in explaining them :)

So, starting off with Heavy. His real name is Alejandro, and he's the oldest of the mercenaries as he's 48. Before joining this merc crew, he was a part of the Italian Mafia. It took quite a bit of bribing for him to properly accept being hired by Grey Mann. (Yes I know that Grey already hired the classic mercs in the comics but like shhhh this is before all that)

Next is Medic. His name is Josef and he's 39 years old. He was in his teen years through WWII in Germany. With his family being Jewish, he and his family had to hide out. Eventually, Josef found himself as the sole survivor of his family. Now, he is determined to be able to help people all he can, because as a kid he felt like he could do nothing to help his family's situation.

Then there is Engineer. His name is Leo and he's about 30-32 years old. He's the younger brother of Dell Conagher. He took after his brother in a way, especially in his interest in all things mechanical. However, he didn't pursue that path at first, rather preferring to work on his farm. However, he was drawn away from that life into mercenary work by Grey Mann, who promised high pay for him.

The Scout. His name is Elijah and he's about 23-27. He realized just before being hired by Grey Mann that he was a trans man. Of course, his mother wasn't too happy about not being able to have a daughter (Elijah is an only child) to teach her ways. But, she was still mostly accepting. Elijah was easily hired because of two things: one, the high pay, and two, he just needed to get away from his home town.

There is the Spy. Their name is Aleksei, and they're 43. They have no relation to Scout whatsoever. They reign from Russia. They are quite the mysterious person, never telling anyone of their past. All that is know about them is that they accepted the job offer as quickly as they could have.

Next is the demolition expert, Demolass! Her name is Bonnie and she's about 38 years old. She wasn't fully aware of which Scottish clan she came from, but no worries! She was completely content living up in the Scottish Highlands and blowing stuff up with her dad. Before she had even realized she transfem, Bonnie had already learned how to use a sword. The one that she carries is the one her mother forged her, and she takes good care of it.

Last, but certainly not least, is the Sniper. His name is Mitchell and he's almost 30 years old. He's a reclusive man, preferring to hide out in tall places and forests. It took Grey Mann a long time to be able to find Mitchell. However, when he was found, he was in the Redwood forests of California. Obviously, he wasn't too happy about his peace and quiet being disrupted. However, he was consoled by the promise of money. It did still take him a while to be convinced.

Obviously, this isn't the entire team (still missing Pyro and Soldier) but I'm still working on finalizing them. That's all for my insane ramblings about these blorbos that live rent free in my head thanks for coming to my TED Talk.

[bobbiethebirthdayclown]

I'm shitass at the game and have no idea what it takes to develop and maintain a game but I'm super bored and hyperfixating so heres my official

TF3/TF2 Freindly UPDATE IDEAS (long post)

*Friendly only lobbies separate from the game modes (no objectives, lots of interactive areas)

*Friendly lobby npcs include; 

*Australia (full of snipers and feral pyros, occasional scout, Saxton stares from the background menacingly) 

*France (crawling with spies and some snipers, occasional demoman, 2 medics) 

*Texas (filled with engines and soldiers, occasional demoman, one heavy)

*Scotland (full of demomen, medics, and some soldiers dressed as tourists, occasional pyro)

*New York (filled with scout and soldier, occasional spy, one heavy) 

*Mexico (all pyros and scouts, occasional engie, one medic)

*Russia (Heavys and medics, all indoors, occasional demoman and spy)

*The Pyro Pit (a pit of lava, pyros do not get hurt, medics heal quick)

*The Warehouse ( rave club with one dj scout, demomen "serving" drinks and 2 heavys at the door, pro shoots confetti)

*The Bar (Demoman and snipers serving drinks, breakable objects)

*The Zoo (Saxton Hale keeps everyone in a zoo)

*The Aquarium (demoman and pyros seen swimming in tanks)

*The Mall (medic and engie selling items, scouts are cleaning angrily) 

*The Park (a skate park with scouts and pyros cheering in the background 

*The Gym (Heavy, along with medic and scout, are leading a mannrobics class)

*The bathroom (a giant, weird, liminal space bathroom full of secrets and interactions that dont have a space in the cannon stories) 

*More color and outfit customization

*3 class battles added (War mode, red team, blue team AND green team)

*Dog class added (infinite health, does 1 damage per second, holds enemies in place, can Uber to do 30-60 damage, bark to place alert signs in high risk areas)

*Bloody Suit and Helmet Party are semi cannon 

*Doing a flip is now possible for all classes. Success varies 

*"Don't Die Spy" game mode (vs Saxton Hale map, extra hiding spaces, no weapons, no capture point, last one alive wins)

*"Scout Racer" game mode (basically just fall guys but faster)

*"Tech-son Standoff" (engie only standoff)

*"Demos Vision Test" game mode (duck shooting gallery with increasing drunkness)

*"Super Engie Pybro's" game mode (Engineer and Pyro cleaning up the battlefield after capping)

*"Saxton's basement" game mode (it's just fight club. You can either choose heavy or soldier)

*Pyro is able to fly using the rocket jump method with it's jetpack 

*Medic has higher health because he has insurance and can earn a variety of chainsaws

*Spy can now disguise as a small Saxton Hale in friendly lobbies

*Dell gets a raise of 40 dollars 

*True Subclasses added (Demoknight can only use swords, Trolldier has a higher stomp radius, Kamikaze-Pyros set themselves and all enemies on fire, Battle-Medic heals himself with each soul taken, ect) benefits added to Base Classes for balance

*More ways to get free stuff that's actually helpful

*Instead of fixing Dustbowl, it becomes haunted a la monster house

*More ghosts, more aliens, and permanent alt game modes

*"Become pen pals?" (an option to meet players in battle and keep tabs on each other afterwards)

*Kiss taunt, hug taunt, scream taunt, cry taunt, fart taunt, buff taunt and pose taunts are all available for f2p

*"Customize room" (a menu that shows an empty, fully customizable room that can be seen by others looking at your profile in game. You can also choose a main to display in the room)

*"Get married?" An option to make an official pact with one other player to earn them a fraction of the XP you earned on alt game modes. No XP removed for you.

*"Become nemesis" steal half of each other's XP in alt game modes out of pure spite. Up to 3 available at a time

*More ways to communicate for F2p

*Hitting a car with a melee weapon will make it honk

*Official designs released for the "Premium"  team (think ultra instinct) the "Femme" team (very rich, equally ugly) and the Yellowbellies (gmod versions)

*More pootis brand shorts for everyone 

*Add official tick tock by joji jump scares

[aggressive-positivity-network]

Tf2 headcanons? Aw yeah! So let's say a new merc joins the team. They're a total asshole: Cocky, sarcastic, overconfident, refuse help. But both Spy and Scout see right through that, it's a defense mechanism. How do they go about making this person comfortable enough to not be an asshole?

*chanting* HURT COMFORT HURT COMFORT HURT COMFORT HURT COMFORT HURT COMFORT HURT COMF

Okay, jokes aside, this is one of my favorite tropes. Maybe I’m too naïve to believe that some people are just mean to be mean, or maybe it’s a sort of comfort to know that even the worst people can be understood, but either way, WOOOOOOOOO!

*****************

An Ass For An Ass

Headcanons

Scout:

To be honest, Scout’s threshold for asshole-ery is pretty high. Growing up with eight brothers will do that to you.

But when the new recruit came around, something immediately rubbed him the wrong way.

Recruit always stole his thunder with the crass jokes and over-the-top displays. Every battle turned into a competition, which messed with Scout’s system of fighting. He never had to focus much on his own team before, and now he had to worry about keeping his own reputation upheld while trying not to get stabbed, shot, or blown up.

Recruit also kept hitting on Miss Pauling - even after reminding them again and again that she was lesbian, and was not and never will be into dudes.

“Come on…you just haven’t been with a real man yet…”

“No, no, I’ve been with a lot of men. Real men. I just wasn’t into any of them. After a while, it was kind of obvious.”

But what really pissed a lot of people off was Recruit’s fighting style.

They were an absolute monster on the field - that’s why they were chosen - but every interaction was treated as some sort of survival scenario.

One would think that would be a good thing, but Recruit was ridiculous.

No matter what the situation was, he was fine, he was okay, he could take it, he could fix it.

He could be killed only inches away from a Medic because he would never yell for one. Sometimes Recruit would even show visible anger at being healed. It got to the point where Medic didn’t heal him at all, and just allowed him to die as to not waste time he could give too more grateful patients.

Missions were even worse.

He followed orders to a T, but Pauling had to beg him to leave a failed mission, or to leave without completely destroying the site.

Everyone just took it as Recruit showing off, or having something to prove as a rookie.

It was annoying, but ultimately harmless in most circumstances.

However, it all came to a head when Recruit tried disengage a sentry by himself and was severely injured.

Both Engineer and Medic, who had had to fix most of Recruit’s past and current recklessness, ripped him a new one, one chewing out after the other.

“What we’re you thinkin’, son?! One crossed wire and you woulda blown the whole base!”

“Zhe only reason you are allowed in my lab at all is because it’s in my contract. Personally, I vould have rather left nature to it…”

Since then, Recruit did exactly as he was told, and nothing else. And most of the team liked it that way.

But Scout recognized some warning signs immediately. Fatigue, near silence except for missions, self-isolation, snapping when people got too close…it all paved the way for a pretty nasty (and, for Scout, very familiar) result.

One night, Recruit was sitting on the balcony, and Scout came out with two bottles - a beer for Recruit and a root beer for himself.

(Scout can only drink on the weekends because one, unlike most, he can’t go to work hung over because his job requires a lot of movement, and two, he has no restraint and can’t stop once he starts.)

“What do you want?”

Scout shrugged. “Depends.”

“On what?!”

“What are ya willin’ to tell me?”

Recruit just looked at the beer and sneered.

“Can’t we just skip this?” Scout said. “Maybe get to the part where you tell me what kinda Sally Sob Story we’re dealin’ with here?”

Recruit looked away.

“Aw, c’mon, don’t tell me you don’t got one. ‘Cause you do. I can see it a mile away. So what happened? Pop leave? Somebody died? Lotta brothers and sisters? Ma had a few too many and smacked ya around?”

Recruit didn’t turn around, but Scout could tell he was crying. He had hit a sore spot. Hard.

“Hey, pal, listen…”

Scout trailed off, then slowly began again.

“…the only reason I know is ‘cause I’ve been through it, ‘kay? Outta everybody I knew, I only trusted me. And that was great when I did a good job, ‘cause I knew I put me there.”

Scout opened his bottle of root beer and took a long swig.

“But when I screwed somethin’ up, it’s like everybody I ever knew just let me down. The one thing I could count on was gone.”

Recruit looked at Scout with tears in his eyes.

“But ya can’t do everything by yourself,” Scout continued. “Believe me. I learned that the hard way.”

Scout laughed, but it was mostly to clear the air. He didn’t get serious very often.

Recruit hadn’t touched his beer, but was leaned over the balcony with his head in his hands.

Scout sighed and looked up at the stars.

“But here’s somethin’ that nobody told me - it gets easier, y’know that? You just gotta relax and cut yourself some slack.”

Recruit shifted uncomfortably. “But the Administrator said…”

“Yeah yeah yeah, I know what she said. Gave ya that whole speech about how bein’ part of the team means discipline and focus and whatever. It’s all bull crap. She don’t know the first thing about bein’ on the field. If she did, why’d she hire us?”

“Sh-she said my perseverance was an asset to the team.”

“Perseverance, my ass. You know what would be an asset to the team? Stayin’ alive for more than fifteen minutes!”

Recruit looked at his feet. He had blinked away his tears, but he still looked on the verge of falling apart.

Scout put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed it a little.

“You’re a great fighter, Recruit. You’re one of the best…that’s why you’re here. You got nothin’ to prove to nobody. Not to me, not to the team, not to the Administrator…not even to yourself. You’ve made it, kid. You’ve made it.”

Scout slid his hand off Recruit and started to walk away.

“Hey.”

Scout turned to see Recruit in the process of opening his beer.

“Thanks.”

Scout smiled. “No problem, pal. Plenty more under Demo’s mattress.”

“No, I mean…for that. I needed that tonight.”

“Oh…yeah! Sure. Don’t worry about it.”

Scout went back inside and to his room - but not before checking the cameras on the balcony a few times. Just in case.

Over the next few months, Scout kept helping Recruit break some old bad habits.

Recruit learned to take criticism without getting angry, to leave tanked missions, and to take care of himself.

He still occasionally flirted with Miss Pauling, but it was now more of an inside joke than anything.

Recruit still isn’t perfect - he still cringes a little when he’s healed, and falls back into survival mode when times are stressful - but he is now a much happier, much healthier person.

Spy:

Spy’s asshole wasn’t a merc, per se.

They were more of an informant, usually giving out important facts about locations, missions, and a target’s history.

Sometimes they would even use the Administrator’s PA system to announce new rules and reminders.

This would be perfectly fine - after all, you get kind of tired of hearing the Administrator all the time - except for the fact that Informant was the most sarcastic, most nasally, most apathetic, most matter-of-fact person on earth.

Even outside of a work setting, which was rare because they stayed in their office most of the time, Informant would go out of their way to be as condescending as possible.

Especially to whoever they considered to be in the “less intelligent” category: Heavy, Pyro, Scout, Demo, and Soldier.

To all the “others,” he turned every briefing into a contest to see who knew more at any given time…which, of course, usually meant he won.

“Now, does anyone know where his address is? Come on, any takers? Yeah, I thought so.”

Unlike Recruit, which would only warrant a few grumbles here and there from the team, Informant was the subject of a lot of hissed complaints and terrible rants from even the calmest of members.

Informant was the only one who could get under Heavy’s skin - a personal pet peeve of his was being considered less intelligent or less of a human being because English wasn’t his first language, which Informant chose to remind him of constantly.

It began with a few simple jabs at his grammar or word structure, but once Informant figured out that Heavy wouldn’t hurt a fly outside of battle, the taunts grew more and more daring.

Heavy would usually ignore Informant, which would only exacerbate their need to be noticed. This led to some pretty nasty interactions - from spouting the statistics of Russia’s average intelligence to even saying Heavy was a disgrace to his country by being a literature major.

“How’s that Russian literature major treating you? You know - in America.”

Sniper and Medic had tried to set Informant straight, but Heavy refused to accept any help. This was something that was his to bear, and his alone. He knew that they both took their own helping of harassment.

But one day, Informant went a little to far.

He did the one thing you should never do: insult Heavy’s family.

“You mother and sisters can’t do anything more than wait for you. No wonder you’re the only source of income.”

Before he knew it, Informant was against a wall, struggling to breathe, blood running into his eyes.

Heavy walked away after the incident, and told Medic about it, but he refused to heal him. Informant had called Medic a Nazi on more than one occasion.

This, finally, is where Spy comes in.

Spy was walking by Informant’s office, when he heard a strange sound - barely suppressed hiccups and sobs.

Despite his aversion to displays of emotion, the promise of seeing one of his greatest enemies as their lowest was too amusing to resist.

He knocked lightly on the door, then slowly opened it - always the master of drama.

Informant was under their desk, bloodied and bruised, sobbing into their knees.

Spy entered noiselessly, sitting in Informant’s office chair and lighting a cigarette.

It was only when Spy made a dramatic exhale of the smoke that Informant looked up, tears streaking their face.

They stared at each other for a moment, and then Spy finally spoke.

“Oh, how the mighty fall. Flown too close to the sun, have we?”

Informant couldn’t do much more than snivel and retreat farther below the desk.

“Who did it?” Spy asked. “I want to give them my regards…and maybe a bottle of wine.”

“H-Heavy…”

“Oh? Well, if anyone can bring him to blows, it’s you.”

Spy put his feet on the desk and continued to blow smoke out of his nose, thinking.

“It’s strange,” he said. “Most offices have at least a few pictures of family. A trip to the beach, perhaps the zoo…?”

He took a quick glance around.

“No children. No army mates. No graduation photos or a large catch at a local lake. The only personal item you have is this…”

Spy picked up a Rubik’s Cube. The plastic still around it crinkled.

“Unused.”

Informant looked at the floor.

“I like to keep my personal and professional life separate.”

Spy pursed his lips and squinted.

“How noble of you. But I don’t think that’s the case. You know what I think, Informant?”

Spy took his feet of the desk and bent down, looking Informant in the eyes.

“I don’t think you have a life.”

Informant’s eyes went wide for a moment, then his face immediately crumpled. Bullseye.

Spy smirked and got up from the chair, starting to leave.

Informant’s sniffling turned into sobbing, and before Spy could put his hand on the doorknob, muffled wailing filled the office.

Spy closed his eyes and clenched his teeth. He was trying not to remember something. But the imagery was too strong.

He remembered hiding under a table, like Informant was. People screaming and cursing at each other in French. His knees all scarred and his nose runny from a cold that should have resolved weeks ago. Waltz music coming from next door, trying to drown out the fighting. Glass breaking. Biting his knuckles so he wouldn’t whimper or cry.

Spy’s hand closed into fist. He took a deep breath, and turned to face Informant again.

“But to be fair…”

He walked towards the desk, putting his hand in his suit pocket. He got on his knees and pulled out a pink handkerchief.

“…I don’t have one either.”

He offered the handkerchief to Informant, who put it to his face, still staring at Spy through red eyes.

The pair were silent for a moment, with Spy putting out his cigarette and lighting a new one while Informant cleaned themselves up.

“But the difference between you and I,” Spy said, his voice wavering a bit, “is that I am a Spy. If my information got into the wrong hands, it could be the end of me and my team.”

He tapped his cigarette on a nearby trash can, letting the ashes fall into it.

“But what are you hiding from?”

Informant took a shaky inhale, the handkerchief still covering his nose and mouth.

“W-what?”

“Why do you feel the need to be, as Scout puts it, a tier five jerkazoid?”

Informant sniffled. “I…I didn’t think I took it that far.”

“Took what that far?”

“I just…snrk…I thought that’s what I had to do to get them to take me seriously.”

Informant laughed, but their heart wasn’t in it.

“I’m five foot four with red hair and freckles. I look more like someone’s Andy doll than a contract killer. I thought maybe if I knew everything…I’d be worth it.”

They shrugged.

“At best, they’d be impressed. At worst, they would never get close enough to me to know the truth: the only reason why I’m here is because I can rattle off a few names and that I had good grades in school because I had nothing better to do.”

Spy’s chest ached. He didn’t know why, but it was a strange feeling to him.

“Mon ami…”

He cleared his throat.

“If half of the team is any indication, you don’t need to be Nikola Tesla to be hired. Hell, the fact you can read is an anomaly in itself. But there is something you must understand…”

Spy cleared his throat again. His voice had gotten quite unstable all of a sudden.

“Intelligence is measured in different ways. Scout could never read even the simplest of children’s books, but his physical intelligence - reflexes, spatial awareness, aim - is phenomenal. Medic would have to put my spine back together if I even attempted to do what he does on the field.”

Informant snickered at the joke, or perhaps the image it conjured.

“And me,” Spy continued. “I can speak almost any language, adjust to any social setting, charm anyone, fool anyone…kill anyone. Just like you, I can remember, and I use the information I absorb mostly to show how superior I am to all my lowly colleagues.”

Spy furrowed his brow and looked away.

“But I know less about myself than even my enemies. I have hidden it so deep within my mind that I can hardly remember…or perhaps would rather not remember…who I was before this mask of mine.”

Informant hesitated. “I…I’m sorry, Spy.”

Spy sneered and puffed a few smoke rings.

“I don’t want your sympathy. I want you to have some self-respect - and respect for my teammates. Because next time you are beaten within an inch of your life, you might catch me in a less generous mood.”

With that, Spy got up, reached into his suit pocket and presented a small MediKit, which he tossed to Informant.

“I’d suggest freshening up before going to any more briefings.”

Informant nodded, and set to work healing himself.

Spy started to leave, then stuck his head back in.

“And hang a few posters, would you? Your office looks like a prison cell.”

Finally, the Frenchman took his leave, adjusting his suit and nodding solemnly to the team members he happened to pass - or scowling at them, depending.

He glanced over the security feed, and once he was satisfied, made his way to his smoking room.

Spy closed the heavy oak door, poured himself a small glass of scotch, and sat down in his chair next to the fireplace.

He put a magazine on his knee and began to flip through the pages, but his gaze soon started to wander.

He closed the magazine, tossed it into the fire, leaned into his hand, and wept.

…So what became of Informant?

Well, after a reluctant heal from Medic and a few well-deserved apologies, Informant began to try and break the cycle of self-sabotage.

The process took a lot longer than Recruit’s did - especially since Informant’s transgressions were a lot more egregious - but, little by little, they began to heal.

A lot of the time, the other mercs would have to tell them to tone it down a bit, or to cut him off completely if necessary.

Informant still almost has a panic attack if he doesn’t have the right papers, and his office is still pretty bare, but he took Spy’s advice - a few AC/DC posters hang on the leftmost wall.

As for Spy, well…he needs to have a talk with Medic.

******************

I am so sorry…this is all so messy and weird. One is so much longer than the other, and I’m not even sure half the dialogue sounds right.

The two headcanons were just typed out at different times, the first where I had less motivation and the second when I had more motivation. This wasn’t on purpose, it just happened.

I hope you still like it, though!

[tf2-hellhole]

TF2 Shattered AU

wow look another au nobody asked for

PREMISE —————

Reyes knew from the moment she started working for the Administrator that the woman was hiding a whole lot from her. The Administrator was incredibly secretive and defensive about anything Reyes asked her, and even her co-worker, Miss Pauling, seemed nervous when she asked about her role. She knew it was dangerous work. Illegal work. But for her friends’ and parents’ safety, she kept her mouth shut.

But one day, she was assigned to work with some files. Someway, somehow, Miss Pauling or one of the other assistants had misplaced a very, very important paper. It ended up in Reyes’ stack of work for the day.

When she found the paper, she was horrified by what was inside. The paper was was full of detailed information about the loved ones and families of every Mann Co. mercenary, as well as where they lived and how to capture them. Administrator was planning to take and use these people as bargaining chips against the mercenaries to make them do work that would endanger themselves and thousands of civilians.

The very first thing she did was bring the papers to the mercenaries and explain what it meant. Of course, everyone was horrified and knew they had to stop the Administrator. But in their horror and confusion, they forgot that the woman had eyes and ears everywhere.

A few days later, Scout frantically called everyone to the common room, saying that they were talking about them on TV. The reporter on the screen explained that the Mann Co. mercenaries had been proven to be responsible for a large string of brutal civilian murders and domestic terrorist attacks. So now, the American government had just began to track all of the mercenaries down.

For a moment, the room was only silent. Maybe the mercenaries had committed many crimes, but they had never done the horrible things the reporter described. And despite knowing that the team was made of the best of the best, they knew they were no match for the government. 

All of a sudden, a voice came over the intercom. The Administrator’s. She explained that she had discovered what the mercenaries were planning. So, to get rid of the threat the mercenaries posed against her, she framed them for many crimes she and her employees had committed. And now, with the American government on her side, she could have each of the mercenaries killed and out of her hair forever. She warned them so they could have the chance to run and get some amusement out of watching them try to escape from her. You could put it that she was playing with her food.

After hours of debate, the mercenaries decided that the best choice was to go their separate ways and try to get away. And so, that night, the team packed their things and said their goodbyes. There was little time for tears and hugs.

Reyes cried for hours and hours once the base emptied. What was she going to do? Where was she going to go? She couldn’t leave, her parents needed her because they couldn’t speak English. She didn’t know what to do.

Soon, Miss Pauling appeared at the door. Reyes got up and approached her, desperately asking for help. The other woman only sighed, apologized, and pulled a gun.

What followed was a short shootout between the two, as Reyes always kept a gun on her too. She was lucky enough to escape quickly, driving home as fast as she could. She called her parents, quickly saying goodbye to them and telling them to go back to Mexico if they can, gathered her things, and fled.

She was able to buy a ticket and get to Europe, where she’s been hiding out for the last decade from the Administrator, praying to God that her friends and family are alright.

If I were to write the story, it would follow parts of the team reuniting and killing the Administrator.

CHARACTER STATUSES —————

Scout: Alive; Gravely injured after a confrontation with police in Boston, but is rescued by Korri. Due to his injuries, his legs are paralyzed and he is stuck in a wheelchair. His mother and brothers mysteriously disappear soon after.

Soldier: Dead; attempted to confront the Administrator himself. He put up a good fight, but ultimately, he was no match for the people she’d employed to protect her.

Pyro: Alive; they luckily escaped and is running around the New Mexican badlands somewhere like some kind of cryptic.

Demo: Dead; poisoned by one of the Administrator’s goons in a bar in Scotland.

Heavy: Unknown; he and his family disappeared very quickly after the team separated. It’s unknown if they were caught, killed, returned to Russia, or something else. (He is actually dead.)

Engineer: Alive; the Administrator knew that if Doctor Dell Conagher, owner of Conagher Tech and one of the US’ leading military inventors, went missing while employed at Mann Co, the government would be on her in an instant. She made him swear not to speak about what happened by threatening to destroy his life’s work and kill his parents.

Medic: Alive; he was successfully captured, but when they attempted to kill him, he was kept alive by his deal with Satan to keep him alive for another fifty years. He was soon rescued by Spy, but not before the Administrator had his eyes removed so he could no longer be any threat to her if he did escape.

Sniper: Alive; ironically, he was shot by an amateur sniper while hiding out in the outback. He survived due to their poor aim, but gained amnesia. The Admin has him brought back to her, and he is tricked into believing the mercs are a threat and used against them.

Spy: Alive; he escaped easily, but he is not the same. His son is dead. His family is dead. His love is dead. He has nothing left. He has this dead, hopeless look in his eyes; they tell you that even though Spy still walks and talks, The Spy is truly dead after losing everything he loved.

Reyes: Alive; she is currently hiding in Europe, as I said. At some point in those ten years, she was attacked by an assassin and was left with significant scarring on her left ribs down to her thighs and has a small limp.

Korri (owned by @gurt-the-great  : Alive; is living in New York with her brother. She’s been mentally broken by losing her partner, her friends, and her arm (and therefore, her ability to draw).

The Ammos (owned by @sary-nator-art): All alive; captured by the Administrator because they knew too much about her and her work.

Scrap (owned by @analyticalinsomniac): Alive; she is now working as a assassin-for-hire. 

Heikama (owned by LeFuzzbol): Alive; flees to Japan or possibly Thaiwan, Admin can’t find him due to him getting help from a few organizations. He is trying to recover from the mental trauma of it, plotting revenge, and working alongside a Yakuza family for a job until then.

[hufflesocks]

Tf2 mercs playing Stardew Valley:

-Scout:

-not really into it as he gets bored easily, but will play it occasionally especially after Miss Pauling suggested the game

-doesn’t really understand the farming mechanics and just focuses on romancing the npcs

-He originally goes after Haley, but switches to Penny because her interest remind him of Miss Pauling. But he got bored with that too and gave up

-his favorite npc is Alex and he chooses the dog with the blue color

-Soldier:

-loves the combat mechanics and always chooses the wilderness farm

-He’s made it really far into the mines

-The plant part of the farm is lacking, but he enjoys taking care of chickens

-has a shared game with demo where they just fight monsters together. Their farm is completely neglected.

-doesn’t really focus on developing relationships with the other villagers, but his favorite npc is Kent

-chooses either the German Shepard or the grey cat

-Pyro:

-they love this game

-they’re on at least year 7 on their main save and have max relationships with all of the npcs(though they never romance any of them) and have completed the community center

-they mostly grow flowers on their farm, but their favorite parts are the animals

-not the biggest fan of mining and it took them a while to get the hang of fishing

-has one shared game each with Miss Pauling, Engie, and Sniper

-tried to start a game with Scout, but Scout lost interest and wouldn’t take the game seriously

-their favorite npc is Evelyn because she’s like a grandma. They like to give her the flowers they grow

-always chooses the orange tabby cat as a pet

-Demoman:

-plays pretty casually. Just does it to relax every now and then, so his farm isn’t anything special

-he finds the bombs to be a fun change of pace from the farming whenever he gets a little bored

-he really only talks to the npcs if he happens to walk by them, that’s why nothing could have prepared him for Shane’s heart events

-Shane’s drinking problem really resonated with Demo and he found himself analyzing his own decisions regarding alcohol

-he really liked the progress Shane made by the end

-his favorite npc is Shane

-He tends to choose the tan cat with the bell for a pet

-Heavy:

-finds the game relaxing and plays it whenever he’s particularly stressed to calm himself down

-has a very simple farm layout

-his favorite season is winter because it reminds him of his cabin back in Russia

-has a shared world with Medic, but after the chicken incident they haven’t really played on it

-Doesn’t really have a favorite npc, but he likes talking to Harvey because he is a doctor

-typically chooses any of the 3 dogs as pets

-Engineer:

-Engie is another one who really enjoys the game. He likes it’s casually nature and it reminds him of his family’s farm back in Texas

-doesn’t really have much time to play since he likes to focus his time on his machines. Tends to usually play whenever he gets homesick or Pyro wants to play

-has the MOST efficient farm set up. Plans field layout to maximize sprinkler usage. Has paths leading to each area so as to minimize travel time. ect.

-Actually really enjoys methodically planing out his farm

-his favorite nps are Marnie and Demetrius

-Usually chooses any of the 3 dogs as a pet like Heavy

-Medic:

-got bored with the game pretty quickly. He feels like he has much better things to do with his time such as seeing what would happen when you give a baboon a human heart

-got the void chicken event pretty early on when playing with Heavy

-He liked the design and concept and was inspired to make his own void chicken.

-it did not end well, unless of course you think that creating some eldritch being with the desire to consume souls and then having to seal it away in a mason jar was a success

-Didn’t play enough to have a favorite npc, but he hates Harvey because he feels like he’s wasting his potential of being the town only doctor and not taking advantage of the experimentation opportunities

-Chose the grey cat when he first tried the game

-Sniper:

-Really enjoys the game

-is the best at the fishing mini-game. He practically never misses

-likes the foraging, animal, and fishing aspects of the game the best

-doesn’t really grow crops

-favorite npcs are Willy and Clint

-Chooses the German Shepard for a pet

-Spy:

-only played the game to placate Miss Pauling. Hasn’t touched it since

-just messed around on it for a little

-He bought the JoJa membership

-Tried to romance the marriage candidates to get the group ten heart event but realized that would take to long and gave up

-doesn’t have a favorite npc, because he didn’t play long enough for that. But he did like Jodi, because for some reason a woman raising her sons by herself resonated with him

-chose the the tan cat with the bell for a pet

Bonus:

-Miss Pauling:

-She really enjoys the game. She likes how relaxing and in control she feels when she plays it. Was actually the one who introduced it to the mercs, because she thought it might help them relax

-unfortunately doesn’t get much time to play since she only has one day off a year, but she plays it when she can

-likes doing quests for the other villagers

-usually goes with the wilderness farm so she can design her farm during the day and fight monsters at night

-has married all of the marriageable candidates at least once, just to shake things up a bit each play through

-her favorite npcs are Maru and Abigale

-Always chooses any of the 3 cats

[theewrites-tf2]

(So, maaaaaaybe went a bit overboard and made this a super-long post… Deep-down, am I sorry? Nope, HOPE Y’ALL ENJOY THIS EXTRA LONG READ, MWHAHAHA >:D)

Scout: Scout would frantically be trying to contact his Ma, trying to see if she got hit hard by the blizzard. Yelling until he’s hoarse at the useless operator, it takes half the team to drag him back after he tries to get the nearest, slightly suicidal plane to Boston. When his Ma finally starts returning his calls, the whole team watches in stunned silence as he slides down the wall of the phone booth, clinging to the phone and his Ma’s voice like his life depends on it.

Engineer: How in the hell a tornado got that deep into Texas, only God and Satan himself knows. But, the minute he hears that one hit his hometown, he throws some equipment, water, and a weeks worth of food into the back of his truck, before flooring it across New Mexico into Texas. He immediately joins the rescue party, and though his house isn’t first on the list, he uses some of his inventions to help drag his neighbors out of the debris, before offering them the supplies he brought, as well as set up a civilian dispenser. When he gets to his own house, he’s relieved to see his own mom made it into the cellar before the destruction, and gives her the most relieved, exhausted hug.

Sniper: Sniper ironically froze when he heard about the raging bushfire, and the coordinates of said fire were near his home. Dropping everything, he picks up the nearest phone to warn his mum and dad, demanding that they evacuate the house and drive away. His father is a bit stubborn, insisting that ‘the wind isn’ headin’ our way, we’re FINE.’ It takes Sniper to lose his patience and sprout some less-than-polite words at his dad for the old man to go quiet, before saying. ‘’right.’ and hanging up. After days of no calls, and Sniper glued to the radio and TV for news, the phone finally rings and he picks up to hear his dad’s voice go, ‘I was right, drongo, the fire barely nicked us.’ Sniper is irritated at his dad’s ranting, but relieved that the old man actually listened and DID leave the area. ‘Weekend in the city, is all.’ ‘Sure dad…”

Soldier: This man acts like someone just someone just stabbed him in the thigh when there is ANY American natural disaster. He starts curing out several nature deities, screeching at several crisis hotline operators, before finally just shutting down as he watches the news, sniffing every now and then… ‘You crying under the helmet?’ ‘…Yes.’

Demoman: When news of the heavy rainfalls and flooding back home in Scotland gets to him, he makes a small call to his Mum. ‘Ye got in the raft okay?’ ‘Aye, ‘m paddling towards London!’ ‘’right, be safe.’ ‘Ach, ye act like this is me first flood!’ She’s fine. Blind, yes, but she’s a Degroot though and though. She can handle herself.

Medic: Heavy rainfall in Germany is not unexpected, but still a bit hand-wringing when he hears the news of several flooding advisories being issued for his homeland. Sure, he may be a fugitive from SAID homeland, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care… especially when he thinks of his hometown, where rainfall is frequent this time of year. His neighbors, old, non-experimental patients… He has some worry for their safety.

Pyro: The flash-fires and bush-fires all around the room make the masked merc clap and giggle. Floods and tsunamis, total silence…. Back to flashfire, ‘Mrrrphmurph!!!’

Heavy: Blizzards in Russia are no rare thing, but still knowing that his mother and sisters might be facing it along is enough to keep him on edge. He can’t leave the country, due to work and other… complications with past employers, don’t ask, but everyone can see he’s on edge. Engineer finally suggests that, if Heavy will tell him the coordinates, he can fly some supplies over on a TF2 ‘60 style drone. Heavy declines the offer, and asks for the blueprints himself. He is a proud man, but extremely tired when, after three sleepless nights, he sends that creaky drone of supplies to his mothers front door.

Spy: France can burn down to the ground, and Spy would not bat an eye. Too many bad memories, too many living enemies… too many reminders for his liking. Let it burn, he thinks, and I will not shed a single tear. Now, if he could explain what exactly turned him to a feverish, pacing wreck when Boston had a record-breaking snow-storm… Then maybe his teammates could understand what exact mindset Spy has in terms of disasters.