#tell me why I decided to watch this in the middle of a depressive episode

[lookforastronauts]

#105. Loving Vincent (2017)

dir. Dorota Kobiela, Hugh Welchman dop. Tristan Oliver, Lukasz Zal

[macravishedbymactavish]

Comforting Them Headcanons (TF141 + Alex x GN! Reader)

Can these even be considered headcanons when they're unorganized drabbles in a HC design? We're blurring the lines and inventing new things today apparently

TW: Lots of angst, the guys are dealing with a lot emotionally (very closed off about it though), suggestions of some depressive episode symptoms, some mentions of arguing and one injury while cooking.

| Blog HQ |

Captain John Price

Just a heads up, he's taking this one pretty hard the text from Kate read, a couple days before John would be returning home. Your heart sunk reading the words, mind immediately planning and preparing for when he arrived.

After so many years of marriage, homecomings following deployment went from a grand guesture (ie. Hugging you tight and spinning you softly as he whispered about how much he missed you) to more intimate moments hidden away from wandering eyes.

Maybe that was just the two of you getting older.

Ultimately you decided to play things by ear, follow his lead and love him a little more. Hold him a little tighter. Kiss him a little longer.

The first thing you noticed when he came home was the bags that formed under his eyes, and the pain hidden deep within. Despite the horrors he saw, the moments replaying in his mind, the decisions his soul screamed at him to change...

He still smiled at you, eyes lighting up as he pressed a loving, deep kiss to your lips. Pulling you tight into his chest, a small reminder of why he was fighting so hard to make the world a bit of a better place.

You noticed he was quieter over the next couple of days, wrapping up paperwork and administrative tasks before taking time for just you and him. This wouldn't normally be cause for alarm; he's done this every time since forming the task force. What really concerned you though?

How he holed himself in his office, spending most hours of the day hidden away.

You knew better than to be here. His office, his space. The threshold being the physical divide between head and heart. Work and play. Tactical and tactful.

Yet, there you stand. Watching him lean over his desk, worry lines creasing his forehead, shoulders shaking slightly.

The physical divide between past and present.

"Love..." You started softly, watching his muscles tense up immediately. "I'm coming in" you declared, feet moving a moment after when he didn't protest.

Soft footfalls and heavy breathing filled the room as you made your way over to what was currently the shell of a man. A hand resting softly between his shoulder blades, you felt the muscles tense, shake, release, then repeat. He was holding back.

Pulling in a shaky breath after a few moments of silence, he whispered: "thank you for the concern, darling. But don't stress yourself over me. I'll be fine"

Rubbing soft circles overtop his t-shirt, a silent check in. You're not okay, my sweet love. Are you?

You weren't convinced. Not in the slightest.

Continuing to rub your hand across the expanse of his back, you felt the shakiness return. You could see the storm waging behind his eyes. Hand sliding fully across his shoulder, dipping to wrap around his middle you held him; determined not to let him get lost at sea. Lips pressed against the top of his head as you felt his body shake with silent sobs.

"Tell me every terrible thing you ever did, and let me love you anyway" you whispered to him, voice breaking as you pressed a loving kiss to his hair.

Sobs now wracking his shoulders, you sat there silently. Holding tightly onto him as he felt every emotion he needed to, whispering soft details about what haunted him every so often.

Calming down, he moved from your embrace to stand up. Pulling you against his chest properly as he mumbled a soft I love you so much

Kyle "Gaz" Garrick

It was supposed to be a beautiful night, exploring his hometown. Wandering the streets, admiring how beautiful everything looked lit up under the street lights.

"This was my favourite resturaunt for so many years" he chuckled, eyes scanning over the menu. Giving you his recommendations at your request as you felt your heart fill. He had been smiling all day, excited to be showing you off to everyone he knows. To show you the people and places that made him who he is today.

The two of you fell into easy conversation throughout your meal. Discussing his favourite memories from eating here, to where he wanted to show you next.

Fingers intertwined, stomachs and hearts full, arms swinging obnoxiously as you walked down the street. Your eyes wide as he pointed out buildings, mentioning which shops used to be there. Or which shops he promised to show you in the morning.

His demeanor shifted entirely about halfway throughout your journey. Something, or somewhere leaving a bad taste in his mouth.

Except, his body language didn't translate that very well. Leaving you confused and concerned as to why he was suddenly closed off and only speaking when you asked questions.

Even then his responses were short and seemingly disinterested.

You debated the entire walk back to his flat on whether you should mention it. The pain feeding on the unknown pushed you to gently ask:

"What's going on?" A few minutes after you two made it inside. He shrugged the question off, assuring you it was nothing as he went to the bedroom to change and likely shower.

One could argue that what you did next was selfish, un-needed. Pure unfiltered emotion that came out before your mind could filter the words.

"Are you sure? Because it doesn't seem like nothing" you intended for the sentence to portray your concern, not for frustration to take over and spark an argument.

He stopped, shoulders tensing before he turned his head. Glancing at you from the corner of his eye.

"You'll never understand" he started with a sarcastic chuckle. You went to defend your point, admit you won't know unless he let's you in and tells you.

"You'll never fucking understand!" He snapped, turning to face you now. Angry tears streaking down his face as his lip quivered. Pain twisting into his features as he stood in front of you.

Guilty. Angry. Hurt. Helpless

"No, you're right" you were fighting tears of your own now. Partially due to the shock, and pain of his outburst; though you knew he wasn't doing this intentionally. "I'll never know the true extent of your work, Kyle. But fucking hell, give me a chance to help. Or at least try!"

Both of you standing, closed off as you processed your emotions. Chose your next words wisely before letting your high strung emotions make accusations and digs you'd never be able to take back.

Staring ahead, unfocused as tears ran down his face. Breathing heavily as the weight of his mind came crashing down. "Just go" he muttered, causing the reasonable side of you to falter. Being replaced by loving rage as you snapped:

"Tell me every terrible thing you've ever done, and let me love you anyway!" The words were said through light sobs. Your heart ached for him, wishing to ease his mind of the darkness, to erase what broke his kind hearted soul.

"Let me love you" you whispered pathetically, a feeling of relief washing over you when he caught your mouth in a kiss.

A silent sign that he was willing to at least try.

John "Soap" Mactavish

For most people, it was tough to see past the positive, lighthearted exterior. Anything remotely negative being washed away with a smirk and joke. While an acquired taste, everyone had to admit he did boost morale.

You however, saw right through it. Having the privilege and luck of being loved by Johnny for the last 3 years gave you a different view. You had the privilege of seeing the raw and real sides of his soul.

You could tell the difference between when he was volunteering out of duty, or out of recklessness. The natural and artificial light that would shine behind his eyes. When he was truly happy vs when he put up a front to hide the barricades he built over his heart.

Your intuition when it came to his mind was never 100%, the only person (well, thing) that had clear insight to what was going through his mind was the journal he kept close by. You knew it held everything from doodles and drawings, to battle plans he was trying to memorize, all the way to pages he wouldn't show anyone. Filled with memories and screams that kept him awake at night.

Which is why you would willingly break the kneecaps of anyone who came remotely close to trying to sneak a peek.

Right as the team returned, you noticed he wasn't himself. Despite still smiling and taking the piss out of Simon, he was pulling back emotionally. Putting distance between himself and the world.

"You know, at some stage teasing Ghost like that is going to become more dangerous than the actual mission" you joked, holding your arms out to him for a hug when he was close enough.

Happily obliging, he pulled you tight. Rocking your bodies back and forth slightly as his eyes closed. Letting his muscles relax and mind shut off for a second.

He was home.

Walking out from your shower that night, your brows immediately furrowed when you noticed one very alarming detail:

The journal hadn't moved an inch.

As mentioned before, for anyone else this would have been normal. But for Johnny? It was an extension of his being. He'd normally sit for hours the first night after a mission, getting the stress and exhaustion out of his system. Translating everything he couldn't say into marks on a page.

You didn't mention it, but the concern kept growing when 3, 4 then 5 days passed and it still wasn't touched. There was no way he was using it and placing it delicately back into the exact position every time. Especially when he had a habit of tossing it gently to the side, or onto the nightstand the entire time you've known him.

It was at lunch a week after his return when the realization hit you, his sudden aversion to using his one tried and true coping mechanism. His free (well, cheap) therapy as he called it once.

He would have to face whatever happened on this mission every single time he opened the book. A journal filled with too many memories that he isn't willing to give up just yet.

You forgot your lunch and appetite quite quickly after putting things together in your head. Determined to quietly help your boyfriend through whatever he was trying to fight on his own. A fight without any weapons at that.

A new, cheap journal you bought from one of the stores 5 or so minutes from base. With a small note in your handwriting in the front cover:

Tell me every terrible thing you've ever done, and let me love you anyway.

Simon "Ghost" Riley

To anyone else, they wouldn't have noticed anything wrong. Just Ghost being....well, Ghost.

You, however started noticing the small details:

The way he got quieter, becoming more distanced from conversations and others. The way he would hold you, but not pull you as tight as he normally did. Sleeping for longer and longer.

The sleeping in during the day was the major giveaway that he was currently dealing with something below the surface.

Simon couldn't argue that sleeping until your body felt rested, and spending a lazy day in bed (especially with someone you love) wasn't a blessing all in its own. Life's simple pleasures he would whisper on these days, holding you tight as he pressed soft kisses across your face and lips.

Sleeping in hours past your normal almost every day off, however? Barely being able to wake up to your alarms? Red flag.

Despite your concern, and the heartache these episodes would bring; you knew better than to corner the man. Than to try and dissect what he was feeling before he was ready to. He's gotten a lot better at letting you in once he's on the other side of this. Especially in the last few years.

So you waited, you supported him from an arms length. Ensuring he ate, shifting your sleep schedule to spend a few minutes in the morning with him. Holding him a bit tighter at night and during hugs. Passively reminding him of all the things you love about him, about your relationship.

He once told you the small things you did brought him back to the present. Reminded him that there were some good things in his life; even when his mind tried blinding him to this.

When all he could see was the failures, the losses, the obvious signs he missed in the moment.

This episode lasted longer than any before, causing your concern and his guilt to grow. Despite all the assurance from yourself and his friends -- he still beat himself up for closing off so badly. Everyone has their demons, don't need to be reminded of them every time I walk into a room.

He tried opening up a few times, to let you know what burdens he was carrying. None of these alleviated the heaviness on his heart -- if anything they caused his walls to thicken and rise.

It was one night, the two of you getting ready for bed. Rain pouring down against the roof as you slid under the covers.

He softly apologized again, promising that he was trying to open up to anyone. That he had a personal debrief about the last mission with John today. Eyes meeting yours, guilt finding forgiveness. Terror finding patience. Love finding love.

"When you're ready..." You started, shifting closer and cuddling into his side. Fingers intertwining with his over his chest. His heart beating below the skin. "Tell me every terrible thing you've ever done, and let me love you anyway"

Alex Keller

He was laying on the bed, mindlessly scrolling his phone. One arm behind his head as he laid, staring at the screen with half lidded eyes.

"You look bored" you commented, busying yourself with putting clean laundry away. Glancing up when you didn't hear a response, watching him shrug at your comment.

It had been a little over 2 months since he returned from his latest mission; past the catching up phase, not quite in the savour every moment while we have it phase. There was a sense of normalcy for the last week, minus the subtle changes in his behaviour.

You've never seen him lay bored and occupy his thoughts with meaningless activities, at least not to this extent. All week if it wasn't his phone, it was a controller with a game he wasn't totally interested in. He would always write this off with this week just being "a lazy week"

For most people, this is a totally valid point. Lazy days, lazy weeks especially for someone with such a high stress lifestyle should be a godsend. A moment to be cherished.

Except Alex wasn't most people -- he would take a lazy day at most (which would still be filled with something remotely productive). He liked knowing his actions made some form of difference, he loved seeing progress.

So to spend the last week lounging on the couch or bed passing time with nothing to show for it was concerning at the least.

"We could repaint the cupboards later this afternoon, like we've been talking about forever" you offered, moving around the room.

"If you want to, sure. What are you thinking?" He responded half heartedly; causing your eyebrow to raise. Glancing up, watching him scroll for a couple more seconds before meeting your gaze. "What's going on?"

You dropped your eyes to avoid his gaze for a second, contemplating whether or not it was worth mentioning. Maybe you were in fact reading too far into this, and he was taking time to recoup before being sent out again. But it never hurts to ask...right?

"I could be asking you the same thing" You countered, moving to sit on the corner of the bed. Eyes scanning over his features -- feigned confusion glazing over what was really going on.

"If this is about the cupboards, we can do that today if you want. We'll go grab supplies, I'll drive" he shrugged with a light chuckle, phone still in hand.

"It's not about cupboards, or reno projects. You're not yourself lately" you whispered, watching some pain and guilt start to surface.

"It's...." he paused, hand rubbing over the lower half of his face before continuing "it's nothing you need to worry about. You'll be the first to know if there is" he crawled off the bed, pressing a gentle kiss to the top of your head before leaving the room.

It wasn't until later that afternoon that the conversation came back up. He busied himself with cooking supper, while you sat atop the counter keeping him company. Debating the plot points to the movie you two had watched a few nights prior.

In the moment, you convinced yourself you read too far into his recent actions (or lack thereof). The current interaction was natural, normal for the two of you. Laughter filtering through your heated exclamations about how the other person was wrong.

Until a call came through on his phone, you caught a glance of the name before he grabbed the device. Quietly answering the call as he left the room; the concern creeping back into your chest as you picked up making supper.

You were focused in on the task at hand, not hearing him walk into the room a few minutes later.

"That's my job, you know" he teased, hands on your waist as you jumped in surprise. Somehow pressing your forearm into the edge of the hot pan.

Cursing, you jerked your arm back. Nerves screaming as you felt yourself being guided to the sink. Soft repeated apologies being whispered above you as his hands brought your arm under the lukewarm water.

Body relaxing from the initial shock, you listened as the apologies didn't stop. The guilt and pain in his words as he took the blame for the minor accident.

"Hey, hey" you cut in softly, turning to look up at him. "Stop, you don't need to apologize. These things happen, I wasn't paying attention. This is on me"

Despite your words, he was visibly distraught. Looking at you like he just drop kicked your puppy. This wasn't about the burn.

"Talk to me" you whispered, one hand sliding over his back as the other cupped his cheek. "What's going on in that mind of yours?"

Eyes shifting between your face as the floor, he shook his head. Far too much for him to dump onto you...

"You don't want to know. Lots of horrible things, but I'll get through it. I'll figure it out" he promised, pressing a shaky kiss to your hairline. Body shaking with silent sobs at your next words:

"What if I want to know?" Arms sliding fully around him, pulling him tight as you shifted to rest your forehead against his chest.

"Tell me every terrible thing you thing you've ever done, and let me love you anyway" you whispered, voice muffled by the fabric of his shirt as he held you tightly against him.

Taglist: @bloodonmyhands-1221 @bowtruckleninja @v1naco

[urfavhecate]

Movie night | Natasha Romanoff x fem!reader

Natasha Romanoff x fem!reader

Summary: Natasha is always for you while your depression episodes.

Warnings: talks about depression, fluff, really short one, ONE SHOT

Note: hey! English is not my first language so I’m sorry for all the possible mistakes. Anyways I promise I’ll write something better but for now I’m struggling a little and writing is not that easy.

𓏲 ࣪₊♡𓂃

Movie nights were really important part of the week in the Avenger’s tower. Although the group wasn’t complete, because Natasha was on a mission, and you hadn’t left your room for several days, the rest of the group decided not to give up the evening together. Everyone sat on the couch fighting about the movie to chose like wile every movie night they have. Tony was about to play one of his favorite action films, as Wanda struggled at all costs for TV remote to choose an old sitcom. After a while Steve took a lead and played one of team’s favorite comedy.

In the middle of the movie, everyone heard someone arrived. When they turned around, they saw Natasha standing in the doorway. “You couldn’t wait for me huh?” she laughed and a moment after others. When she looked around the room she realized that you were missing. She knew you loved spending time with a team while movie nights so she thought it was weird.

Vision noticed how Natasha was looking around and said “Y/N is overreacting with her depression episodes again.” He rolled his eyes. “Vis stop it, you will never understand this.” Wanda said to him.

Nat loved movie nights as well and didn't like to miss them, but she loved you even more. Without hesitation, she moved towards your room. Without knocking, she went inside and saw you lying in the dark. She also knew that you were going through a hard time with depression and wanted to help you as much as she could.

“Why didn’t you call me?” the redhead sat down next to you, gently stroking your cheek. “You know I’m always there for you when you’re struggling.”

“I didn’t want to disturb you because you were on a mission.” A single tear flowed down your cheek, and Natasha quickly wiped it with her finger. “Darling, no matter what I do and where I am, at times like these, call me.” the woman said firmly. You sat in silence while Natasha played with your hair.

“I’m sorry” you whispered, laying your head on her laps as she kept caressing you hair and cheeks. “No baby, don’t apologize, I’m not mad”

“Miss Romanoff, the team is waiting for you with the rest of the movie” JARVIS said suddenly. “Tell them I won’t be downstairs”

“Nat but you love movie nights, you don’t need to sit with me, I’ll be okey” you said wiping the tears from your cheeks. “I love movie nights because I spend them with you, if you don’t go, I don’t go either.” She giggled. “I don’t want to ruin your evening after mission”

”Baby, being here with you, cuddling will be a perfect evening, if you want to watch something just the two of us, we can do it” you just nodded and moved gently giving Natasha a place to lie down.

Natasha lay down comfortably on the bed and pulled you closer, practically on top of her. You rested your head on a redhead's chest as she played one of your favorite movies. Nat's hand gently scratched your back gently. Listening to her heartbeat during a depressive episode was all you needed. Her touch, her smell, just her presence. After a while, your heart and thoughts calmed down, you felt a spark of happiness and peace. You don't even know when you fell asleep on top of her and slept peacefully all night in her arms.

[do-i-look-like-a-doctor]

okay but the Naruto universe is so fucking weird yet funny if you explain it and question it.

first, you have this lil orphan broke kid ninja boy named after a fishroll. then, you have an emo kid who acts like he got parents and a good way in life despite the fact he’s equally as much of an orphan as Mr. Broke-Blonde-Bitch. THEN you have this normal chick with pink hair who signed up for absolutely none of this nonsense yet got dragged into it. tell me why it’s these three against the world yet none of them can function together? it’s like watching ferrets hyped up on PCP fight over raw spaghetti noodles. dont even get me started when they were in school together, i can bet every person here 6 cents that at some point Sakura aka Ms. Fuckall got tired of Naruto and Sasuke’s bullshit and just tried to abandon them at an animal shelter.

speaking of school and general tomfoolery, why was the dude in charge of these three young squishy brained freaks the most depressed 20 something year old creature on the planet? i will admit, Kakashi is attractive and a great dude. he is so iconic, he misses his old team, and it’s clear he wanted best for his Group of Weird Children but he also reads porn all day and his mask probs smells like cheap aftershave.

if i was a 13 year old ninja child and i saw my sensai (who’s name sounds like cashew) doing all that i’d assume im either about to learn a sick ass skill (how to not cope with emotional trauma properly) or im about to get my ass handed to me. or im about to dropout.

back on track. so you’ve got orphan #1, orphan #2, Ms. Get-Me-Out-Of-Here, and Emotionally Repressed Man in one team. what do the kids do? beef for like 3048384 episodes. what does Kakashi do? try to teach them the power of friendship the entire damn series. oh, and let’s not forget that Naruto apparently has a demon fox inside him because of course he does.

anyways, once the team gets good at teaming they haul off to take their lil ninja exams. who do they meet? some kid named Gaara with smudged eyeliner and shaved brows. he’s a red-head, that’s cute. oh and he can control sand and tries to kill every child in the exams because his dad is a piece of shit hipster. who else do they meet? a kid named Rock Lee who can kick really hard, a girl named Tenten who wishes for all of us to stfu, and poor Neji who can’t keep doing this. there’s also some guy named Guy. yeah, the chunin exams nearly flop because Gaara doesn’t know how to act right.

all this is happening but the pivotal of it all? Sasuke decides to be extra emo and FUCKS OFF TO KILL HIS HALF BLIND SICKLY OLDER TWINK BROTHER.

then, Naruto decides he wants to harness his powers and FUCKS OFF WITH AN OLD ASS BUSHY HAIRED MAN WHO WRITES PORN. Jiraiya needs to be studied on a microscopic spiritual level. he is why SCP’s exist.

who let these kids out? i told you all not to feed the animals and look what happened. now theres beef between a group of kids and the akatsuki.

oh and the akatsuki?? don’t get me started. wtf is that. why is this group of fucked up people with weird powers who are being led by a ginger hive mind of corpses just wandering around? and why is Weasel, aka Itachi, in the middle of it with his goofy explosive hypnotic eyeballs? i want them all put down.

so you’ve got the evil eldirch horrors in the streets. thats fine. Naruto gets put into a new gang cuz Kakashi has to hospitalized. cool, whatever. Naruto decides to start hutning down his rogue boyfriend alongside Sakura, who became a sickass ninja doctor, along with his new sensei Yamato. wonderful… THEN SOME BITCH NAMED SAI SHOWS UP.

DO NOT GET ME STARTED.

what is that? why is it emo? why is its tongue tattooed? put it back outside bro i stg. i love him so much.

everything is just everywhere in this anime bro I can’t. Sasuke is no where to be seen, Naruto is doing fuckall across the world with his groupie, Kakashi is lowkey sad again cuz his kids are gone, and Sakura can barely breathe without issues occurring.

not just that but the twink brother named Weasel is being stupid and enables his own murder. yeah he basically wants Sasuke to come for his ass. meanwhile, Naruto comes home bigger, better, older but still broke and full of fox demon. still, not a single soul except his friends and teachers like him. shit gets even more wild, it becomes knock-off Cheetah Girls vs. The World.

girl i gotta go before i hurt someone. see yall in part 2.

(all of this is heavily unedited, apologies for mistakes)

[recurring-polynya]

I love Temeraire! What did you think of it?

Oh, I love the Temeraire novels a lot! For starters, I read them originally as they were coming out. I was in my mid-twenties, and it was one of two extremely formative media periods for me (I also read the Abhorsen series and watched Bleach and Fullmetal Alchemist for the first time in this general time period). I even got to hear Naomi Novik do a reading at a local Barnes and Noble. She was wonderful, and she signed my copy of His Majesty's Dragon. I also ended up lending my copies to my dad. He enjoys Star Trek and other occasional mainstream sci fi and fantasy, but is not the sort to read a book about dragons. He does love aircraft and War and an excess of details, tho, so he loved them. I made it about five books into the series--they get real depressing in the middle, and I had to wait a year or two between books and it was the time period where I was getting married and moving houses. That's probably about when we dropped Bleach, too.

Anyway, I have since very much enjoyed Novik's standalone novels Spinning Silver and Uprooted, and I decided I wanted to do a full Temeraire re-read-to-completion (my dad actually loaned the later books in the series back to me). I started last November, and then Mr. P decided he wanted to re-read them, too, so he's been a book or two behind me throughout, but it's been a blast to talk about our favorite parts. Anyway, they are wonderful novels if you love worldbuilding and details. Couriers! Supply lines! Philosophical disagreements! I non-ironically love that they don't have a particularly strong plot structure, they play out more like episodes of a prestige television series. They'll get on a boat, and by God, Naomi Novik will tell you about spending four months on a boat. The stories have a good balance of Thrilling Battles of Global Importance and, y'know, shitting around, like I like. Traveling. Training. Gong Su's amazing improv cooking (love you, king!). Half of one book is about Temeraire working through some grief by starting a beef with the breeding ground equivalent of a homeowner's association. The cast is a sprawling collection of delightful weirdoes, human and dragon alike. There's a good balance of the side characters having interesting backstories or personal motivations that enrichens, rather than distracts from the main action. The dragon personalities are amazing, both as individuals and in broad strokes--my favorite aspect of this is that whenever there's an egg, they're all "💖 Egg! 💖 ~precious baby~ I would die for u 🥺" and the second it's out of the shell, it's like "Fuck you. Why do you eat so much? Don't touch my cow. I'll see you in Hell." This happens, like eight times.

The one single complaint I have is that Laurence is explicitly heterosexual, which I just choose to ignore, because dating both Jane Rowland and Tenzing Tharkay at the same time is the bisexual dream.

[zalrb]

Oh you’re watching Bojack! Did you try watching it before? I feel like I remember saying you couldn't get into it, though probably thinking of something else. How do you like it so far, seeing you’re on season 3 now?

Yeah, i watched a couple of episodes of season 1 and didn’t find it funny but I was telling @rabbitsrants about the sopranos and she was talking about how there seemed to be some similarities between bojack and tony, which makes sense now that I’m watching it because I view bojack in the tony soprano mould, so when I finished my sopranos rewatch I decided to give it another go.

It’s definitely an interesting viewing experience because I recognize that it’s a good exploration of depression and addiction but I’m not all that interested in bojack as a character especially coming off of a sopranos binge because while bojack is a horse he’s coded as a white middle aged man and I’ve watched enough explorations of morally grey/not particularly good white male characters (walt -breaking bad) with depression (tony -the sopranos ) or dysfunctional back stories (don-mad men) who are creatives (hank -californiacation) and bojack as a character is a continuation of that thread but a horse and that doesn't really do much for me when i don't find anything particularly new about his character or about how they approach that emotional premise of the show, he's simply a horse, which is why I couldn’t get into the show in the first place because I was like I’ve watched this over and over. This type of white male character is essentially a staple of “auteur” television or “prestige” television (these came out after but like Barry or Succession, there’s no shortage of deeply flawed white men to watch).

BUT I find the tongue-in-cheek jokes about Hollywood and celebrity and movies/television really funny and clever so like when Jessica Biel makes an appearance and Diane doesn’t know who she is despite Jessica listing off her accomplishments and she’s like *sigh* I was on seventh heaven and posed topless for a magazine and Diane was like oh YEAH, i cackled or the pointed “this is about improv NOT Scientology” speech or the fact that they still call it hollywoo, or the fact that bojack sees a therapist briefly who is voiced by lorraine braco who played dr. melfi i.e. tony's therapist in the sopranos, that type of stuff, the minutiae of the world I do find hilarious because a lot of it is for people who love/watch a lot of movies/television so there's this appreciation for the medium in the show that i like, or when they incorporate aspects of them being animals into their personalities like mr. peanutbutter hating tennis and the mailman. and I do like the dark jokes like when a random bird tries to jump off from a building but starts flying and is like dammit I forgot I could fly. Basically, most things not bojack is what keeps me entertained.

Although there are some poignant lines around bojack that resonated. I’d seen people be like oooh yeah about Wanda’s when you look at things through rose coloured glasses red flags just look like flags but I was more oh damn about bojack’s explanation of why they’re breaking up i.e you didn’t know me then fell in love with me then got to know me etc. and I like the flashbacks with his mother because she’s terrible but has some really funny lines. And there are certain episodes that I do end up invested in seeing just how terrible he is, like the New Mexico episode and everything that went on with penny and charlotte and prom.

[theowritesfiction]

‘Sozin’s Comet, Part 4: Avatar Aang’

Damn, I had forgotten how awesome the airship battle actually is because the Agni Kai and Aang vs. Ozai usually overshadow it, but it doesn't deserve to be overshadowed. I had forgotten how close Sokka and Toph came to dying. And Sokka sacrificing his precious space sword to save Toph's life <3 God bless these kids.

As much as I enjoyed parts of Aang vs. Ozai, I was never a fan of the rock of destiny unlocking Aang's final chakra and unleashing his full Avatar powers. I just find that and the whole concept of energy bending as too contrived, sorry, another hot take, I know. As fun as it is to watch Ozai getting absolutely massacred by the Avatar, if Ozai is directing lightning at me, and I know how to re-direct it... well, there's nothing left of Ozai to bury except for his teeth.

Also, as I'm watching Aang in the Avatar State, I'm also thinking... well, they can never introduce anything in this universe and have it be a challenge for THAT. Too much of a power up.

Ozai does deserve some extra Jerk Points for attacking Aang after he has turned his back on Ozai. That's 100 Jerk Points.

I really enjoyed the Azula and Katara fight in the Crystal Catacombs, but the circumstances are too tragic for me to enjoy it here. :(

Also, this is the look of someone who's going to make sure that Azula isn't just imprisoned somewhere after the war and forgotten, this is the face of someone who will make sure that Azula has what she needs in order to heal. If you disagree with that, stop following this blog right now and block yourself, I don't want you here.

Also fuck whoever decided that this was the last we have to see of Azula in Book 3. Just a very sincere and heartfelt fuck you. <3

Anyway, there was a reason why I didn't want to watch these final episodes, and not just because I knew they would depress me. Before re-watching, I thought of these final episodes as something that wrapped up the show in an overall satisfying way, and even if I didn't like some of the decisions I was happy with the way it ended. Well... I'm not going to even bother hiding my salt, I'll just come out and say that I actually kind of hate this ending now and mostly because this is where they left Azula. I shouldn't have watched it because now I'm angry, and the show just feels either unsatisfying or incomplete.

Here's what I would change:

Mai is magically teleported back to the capital to make up with Zuko. I love the scene itself, but I think it just comes out of nowhere and they're suddenly good again all too quickly. Mai just spent time in the worst Fire Nation prison, I think it would make sense for her to be at least a little conflicted. Just develop Maiko in Book 4, either friendship or romance track.

The Kyoshi Warrior Ty Lee made no sense. I can understand her bonding with the other girls in the prison, sure. But she didn't bond with Suki, and Suki hates her! Suki hasn't spent ANY time with Ty Lee at all, so she's suddenly... okay with this? Ugh, no, make Ty Lee becoming a Kyoshi Warrior a side plot in Book 4 please.

I want to give a big middle finger to the final scene with Zuko and Ozai. Scrap that. Give us a scene of Zuko visiting Azula instead. Perhaps together with Katara. Azula would be restrained and shouting all kinds of abuse and insults at them, and Zuko would look confused and uncertain about what he should do with her, but fortunately he has Katara with her, and even if Katara has her own issues with Azula, family is everything to Katara and she tells him to never stop trying to find a way of reconciliation. And perhaps she even offers her help.

That's thousand times better than giving this deflated bag of dicks named Ozai another moment on screen.

Anyway, the show ends with Zuko asking Ozai for information on his mother, clearly setting up Book 4.

But wait, you may ask, wasn't there another scene in Ba Sing Se after that? No. No, there wasn't. That scene is stupid, makes no sense and doesn't exist. Just a hastily cobbled together trash after they decided that Book 4 wasn't happening after all. Ignore it.

Book 3 Jerk Point Final Standings:

Ozai - 980 Zuko - 940 Aang - 690 Yon Rha - 400 Iroh - 150  Sokka - 110 Roku - 100 Hide - 80 King Kuei - 60 Toph, Pakku - 50 Haru - 30

And Ozai takes it, limping across the finish line with his bending removed. The crowd goes wild!

Anyway, I'm sorry about this review of the final episode being so negative, it's nowhere near as bad as I probably made it sound, but please understand that I'm extremely salty and upset right now, and of course it shows.

I'll do some more housekeeping tomorrow, like count the overall winner of Jerk Points contest, and also do the Book 3 episode tier list. :)

[nalanzu]

Episode 20: Recht - Arrow to Justice

Yes, we're doing another one. Once again, age gaps are a thing when a student outside a school says a professor hit on her. This very popular trope is interrupted by someone with a gun - no wait, multiple guns - and an agenda. Chaos ensues. Apparently dude was recently acquitted of murder charges, thanks to Schwarz. Crawford feels this was a waste of their talents. I like Crawford.

Weiss is having some Opinions about Schreient and their unexpected survival. Aya is Distracted, which the rest of Weiss assumes is because of Sakura. Meanwhile, Omi has been pounced on by a hot college freshman who wants a ride to the courthouse to meet her detective cop father. Omi and the freshman - Midori - do not know each other.

Shenanigans ensue. Omi is strongarmed into watching Midori's father go into the courtroom to be The Representative Of Justice. One might point out that Midori and her father having essentially kidnapped this random boy is representative of the same blindness to boundaries that is endemic to Weiss Kreuz The Series as a whole, but since the only thing stopping Omi from leaving is his conflict avoidance, I find it kind of funny. You can just leave, Omi, no one is literally forcing you to do anything. You are a Trained Assassin. And yet, here you sit. Awkwardly. Listening to a grown man tell you how a suspect bit him while being arrested.

As the defendant walks into the courtroom, Midori's detective father tells Omi that the defendant murdered six women. There are eyewitnesses and physical evidence. The defendant decides to take this opportunity to threaten the detective and is somehow not thrown out of the courtroom for it.

The trial does not go well for the prosecution, as The Creepy Defense Lawyer systematically discredits the witness using psychic abilities. Omi is the only one to find this odd. No, wait, Midori's father tells Omi outside the courtroom that Lawyer Kinugawa wins cases because all the key witnesses disappear or commit suicide. The fact that he's telling this to a - and I cannot stress this enough - a RANDOM TEENAGER leads me to infer that he has been screaming about this from the rooftops and no one is listening. To be fair, it does sound insane.

Despite his claim of physical evidence and multiple witnesses, the detective is now depressed because the one witness seen on screen was apparently the linchpin of the entire case. Omi and Midori bond over her father's drunk ass before Omi goes home to investigate. Omi, with Ken's useless company, begins to uncover A Case. (The amount of handy coincidence in this series is off the charts. The level of appalling that is Omi's eyesore of an outfit is also off the charts.)

Omi then proceeds to break into Kinugawa's place of work and also into his file cabinet. Kinugawa catches him. Omi handily dispatches a pair of goons. Kinugawa decides he's not going to be able to beat Omi to death and wants a verbal solution instead. Omi gets taken into - why is there a room with a domed glass roof and a glass bridge with no rails over what looks like a pit extending the entire length of a skyscraper? Who designed this? Who signed off on it? Did JISHA not inspect this building?????

...I digress.

Omi meets Kinugawa in the middle of the bridge (what do you mean, self-preservation instincts), where Kinugawa points at the glass roof. It represents heaven, he says, whereas if one looks down, the glass walls and the glass bridge show one the abyss of hell. Omi does not handle the heights well and nearly falls off the bridge. Kinugawa catches him.

Kinugawa reads Omi's mind and tells him he's seen many deaths. He then offers to answer any questions Omi has. Omi, with not even a hint of subtlety, jumps immediately to accusing the lawyer of murder. Kinugaway, essentially, says, "Yeah, because that's how you win the case, and winning the case is literally my job." Omi points out that this means criminals walk free. Kinugawa counters with it isn't their right to decide who lives and dies, which hits Omi The Assassin right where it hurts. Kinugawa points out that murderers are also human and there are extenuating cirumstances - essentially pointing out that one should have compassion.

If Kinugawa were trying to point out the flaws of the legal system and champion actual rehabilitation instead of retribution and punishment, I think I would be on his side. There's a lot to say about prison systems and recidivism and how incarceration is not a constructive method for reducing future crime, but that's more than I want to get into right now. Also, Kinugawa is saying none of it; he's just saying that it's really not that bad if he murders witnesses to get his clients off because hey, they're people too. He demands to know if Omi thinks crime should automatically equal death, no matter what.

Later, Esstset and Kinugawa have a conversation in which they all gloat over the evil nature of humanity and rejoice in Kinugawa's continued efforts to free evil murderers. Crawford accuses Kinugawa of murder and points out that there is in fact physical evidence. Said physical evidence then walks in the door courtesy of Kinugawa's goons, and the news then shows that all charges against the defendant were dropped after the witness died of a random heart attack and the key piece of evidence vanished. Again, Weiss appear to be the only people finding this suspicious.

Meanwhile, Omi is having an existential crisis and trauma-dumping on Ken and Aya as he parrots Kinugawa word for word - criminals have families too, they must have a reason for their evil crimes, who are Weiss to decide who lives and dies, etc. Aya tells him they are murderers and that this is dumb - they ARE the arbiters of justice. Yohji appears out of nowhere to claim that they too will be judged. Ken calls them all a necessary evil.

I would like to point out that Aya is mighty sanguine about his status as a murderer after he spent all of the last episode whining about it.

Meanwhile, the defendant has gotten his hands on his trusty Piece Of Key Evidence and used it to beat the detective to death. Midori is carted off in an ambulance. Omi decides to commit murder, only helped along a little by Birman and Virtual Persia.

Kinugawa, his goons, and the defendant are gloating as Weiss cuts the power and slices all four of them dramatically open. Omi gets the lawyer, in the thematically appropriate bridge room. From a distance. With his darts. This time, Omi is determined to play god and embrace his identity as a killer. Kinugawa points out that Omi may need his services as a lawyer at some point and really should not murder him to death. Omi knocks him off the bridge. (Seriously, who signed off on that room.)

Omi then leaves flowers in Midori's hotel room and fucks off.

I'm less distressed about this episode than the previous one, honestly; they tried to touch on the subject of the criminal justice system a little, as well as its flaws and failings. A very little. I really wish it hadn't fallen quite so hard on the side of moving people away from compassion - yes, people who do terrible things should be judged for those terrible things and should make restitution. No, causing harm should not be tolerated. However, when the person pointing out that people who do terrible things are still people and have been pushed to do these things for a reason is also the person cackling about how evil people are, it's disheartening. The first part of that statement is not wrong. It doesn't excuse perpetrating harm, but it creates a place from which to try to repair damage. This show, however, is not going to tackle complex subjects with any amount of nuance even when it brought them up to begin with. It is going to go straight for the amygdala and the tragedy of pretty boys doing dark deeds.

It was also a bit jarring to see Omi be the one to struggle with his identity as a killer while Aya was so cavalier about it, when their attitudes were 100% the polar opposite one episode ago.

[taiblogcomics]

For Every Pony, There is a Season (Turn Turn Turn)

Hey there, teal masks and indigo disks. How's the weather for ya? Me, it's chilly as all heck. So why don't we try to claim back a little of that ealier feeling? Got just the issue to warm you up and have you feel something again. And if you're in the opposite hemisphere, well… Then this will just be appropriate anyway! Let's get into it~

Here's the cover:

Hang ten! Gnarly! Surfer lingo! As usual, these MLP covers aren't really anything spectacular. The art of Sunny in the middle is a pretty nice and detailed pic, soI guess that's what'll sell this one! Coz if you look, this is cover A. This is considered the main cover. If you were checking IDW news six months ago, you probably saw glimpses of cover B. That's the one that links together with three other comics also in the Endless Summer event(?) and was kind of cool. That's the real selling-point cover (as most alternate covers are). But this is the "canon" one, and thus the one I have to talk about!

We open in the summer, where a butterfly flies through the window and reminds Sunny that she ought to live up to her name and spend summer outdoors. Like she used to do with her dad. Except now with her friends. And she does that! They get ice cream, they pick fruit, they hold a picnic! I notice a lot of these involve food in some way. And then while her friends play volleyball, she sits out to make the teams even. This is so she can get to the activity she'd really been looking forward to: reading a book. Yeah, no, Sunny, you coulda done that one indoors.

Hey, remember when I suggested this issue be a welcome change from the current season? Well, as Sunny reads her book, suddenly a chill breeze ruffles through the air and a leaf drops off the tree and onto the open pages. Yeah, so this story I selected to put you in the mood of summer is about summer ending. I think that's my bad for not checking, but the event is called "Endless Summer", can you really blame me for making certain assumptions~? Sorry, this review is now about Sunny experiencing seasonal depression~

Fortunately, all of her friends notice Sunny's change in mood and also her suddenly going home, drawing the same conclusion that she likes summer best. So, as friends, they resolve to think of some activities to help her adjust to the changing of the seasons. That's actually really nice. So of course, they then take it to a ridiculous extreme and resolve to have her adjust to all seasonal changes at once. This feels like an Izzy plan. So they all stake her out, and watch at a distance as she runs her smoothie stall. Normal friend behaviour!

So as Sunny walks home, thinking dangerous thoughts of "I wish summer could last forever (like this comic event title implied)", she notices a detour blocking the road leading home to her lighthouse. She decides to take the scenic route, despite the fact that she could probably just walk around the "road closed" signs. First she comes all up ons Hitch, who is being very un-subtle about his use of "fall" as he leads her up to a tented section of the woods. I dunno how he tented off a whole section of the woods, but never underestimate ponies on a ridiculous mission, I guess~

To be fair to Hitch, though, after he asks Sunny what her favourite fall-related activities are and shows his setup, he is then up front with her about the plan. Like, other episodes, the whole "we noticed you seemed down about the change in weather" part wouldn't happen until the episode's denouement, you know? It's actually refreshing to see them just come out and tell their friends the plan. Hitch and Sunny make some candied apples and reminisce about doing so with her father, and it really shows how Hitch is her oldest friend. Good stuff!

Of course, to be unfair on the other hand, Hitch didn't tell her the whole plan either. After the pair of them frolic in a leaf pile he set up (comparing it to swimming as well), Sunny leaves with refreshing memories about her father and thanking Hitch for helping her remember fun things happen in fall, too. As soon as she's out of sight, though, Hitch radios in for phase two to begin. And no sooner has she left Hitch's neck of the woods does Sunny stumble into "Snowball Territory". Even if there's a chill in the air, it's still the end of summer. I'd be surprised by snowballs in this weather too!

Piles of stuff seem to be the theme of this plan, since Zipp and Pipp have somehow prepared a pile of snow and are pelting Sunny with packed spheres made from it. Turns out snowball fights are also something she used to do with her dad. The trio spend a few minutes propelling frozen projectiles at each other, then go for a rest. Pipp brings out hot chocolate, and Sunny muses on how each season has its own sort of drink associated with it. Somehow she forgot this fact, despite running a smoothie stand. And Zipp points out that being too focused on one thing can make you lose sight of other things. Much like this comic lost sight of being summer-themed~

Sunny passes yet another sign, one reading "Spring Forward This Way". She calls this a clever pun, thus proving Daylight Saving Time does not exist in Equestria. In keeping with the theme, though, there is a distinct pile (this time of flowers) that Izzy has prepared. As it is Izzy, though, she's overdone it and made an entire hedge garden. She and Sunny are going to make flower crowns. And once again, Sunny drifts into memories of the good things she likes regarding the season, in this case watching the flowers bloom.

Sunny leaves feeling good, and when she wakes up the next day, she realises it's actually the last day of summer. She goes to the door to find all her friends decked out in beach gear, ready to help her live it up for this season too. Because what Sunny realised is that all her happy memories for each season involved her dad, who isn't around anymore. But her friends are! So she can make new memories each season with them. And the comic ends with something properly summery at last, with a photo of their crazy adventure on jetskis, which is, like, one of the last things I'd ever associate with MLP.

Despite my poking fun at it for failing to provide an eternal estival solstice, I do actually like this issue. Sunny's feelings regarding the seasons changing are actually pretty common, and none of the things her friends do are particularly over the top or intrusive. Other than Zipp and Pipp materialising snow out of nowhere, nothing her friends plan is particularly unrealistic, and they help Sunny recall some very precious memories. Some of my favourite stuff in G5 is when Sunny reminisces about her father. It's always very genuine, and is kind of unique compared to FiM. The characters' parents were frequently absent and rarely spoken of, and as beautiful as the eventual episode was, it took entirely too long to address the elephant in the room regarding Applejack's folks. So whenever Sunny misses her dad, it feels like something real, you get me?

[allthingsfangirl101]

Set Surprise–Joe Keery

I smiled when he answered the phone call before the first ring was even finished.

"Hey, you."

"Hi, baby. How's work?"

"We're on lunch."

"Yum," I tried to say as happily as I could. Joe's sigh made my heart sink into my stomach. "You okay?"

"I miss you, baby," he whispered.

"I miss you too," I said sweetly. "You guys are close to being done, right?"

"Yeah," he scoffed, "in six more weeks."

"What's going on?" I asked.

"I'm just tired," he said simply. I could almost see him shrugging.

"Joe," I said knowingly. "Talk to me."

My heart sank when I heard Joe let out a deep breath.

"I don't know," he sighed defeatedly. "I just feel. . . I'm drained, babe. We've been going nonstop. I feel like I haven't seen you in years."

"It's been three months," I said trying to sound positive.

"Feels like years," he mumbled. "Baby, I know you're in the middle of a big project at work and I know you can't take time off but. . . I miss you."

"I'm sorry, babe," I whispered. "I promise, as soon as I can, I'll come visit you."

                                * * * * *

Sadly, for the next month, my work was nonstop. The second my project at work was finished, I scheduled time off to go visit Joe. I thought about telling him but decided to surprise him instead. I flew to Georgia and got a hotel room close to set. I dropped my stuff off and caught a Taxi. As my taxi driver, Mr. Xavier Westin, drove me to set, I anxiously bounced my knee.

I work for Entertainment magazine as a photographer. Joe and I met while I was shooting the cover featuring the Stranger Things cast. We flirted the entire photoshoot and he asked me out after. We dated a year before Joe proposed. We got married seven months later.

Every once in a while, Joe would get sucked into a deep episode of depression. It's usually about halfway through a season when he's been away from home too long. He gets overwhelmed and tries to hide it. That just makes it worse.

Louis, the security guard knows me so getting in was no problem. He sent me a wink as he handed me my visitor's pass. As I walked through set, people sent me knowing smiles.

"Y/N," Natalia smiled, letting out a small sigh of relief.

"Hey," I sighed. "Where is he?"

"He and Maya are finishing up a scene."

"Thanks."

I walked past her, smiling the second I saw Joe and Maya filming one of their scenes in the ice cream shop. Matt Duffer turned around and smirked. He gestured for me to walk over to him. The second I got next to him, he wrapped his arm around my waist.

"I'm glad you're here," he whispered. "Joe needs you."

"Sorry it took so long," I whispered back.

We turned and watched Joe's scene. Suddenly, Matt smiled. "I got an idea," he whispered. "How would you like some ice cream?"

                                * * * * *

"Let's run it one more time," Matt said, sending me a wink.

"Okay," Joe shrugged as he turned around.

"And. . .  Action!"

"Ahoy, ladies. Would you. . . Y/N?!"

I smiled when Joe froze after turning around and seeing me. He jumped over the counter and pulled me into his chest. He wrapped his arms tightly around me. We could hear the cast laughing, but we didn't care. We stayed right where we were.

"Why don't we call it a night?" Matt laughed.

Joe and I finally broke our hug as people started to leave. I looked up at him to see happy tears in his eyes. I opened my mouth to say something, but Joe cut me off and pressed his lips to mine.

I smiled into the kiss as I started kissing him back. He let out a long moan as I reached up and ran my fingers through his hair. Our lips moved messily in sync as Joe backed us up until we hit the counter.

We finally broke the kiss, both of us breathing heavily.

"Damn," he sighed. "I've missed you so much, baby."

"I've missed you too," I said as I tightened my arms around him.

He leaned his forehead against mine, taking a deep breath. "Thank you for coming," he whispered.

"I'll always come when you need me," I instantly whispered back. "Just like how I know you'll always come when I need you."

"I'm really happy you're here," he sighed, tightening his arms around me.

"You know," I said slowly, "I have a hotel room not too far from here."

I looked up, acting innocent as Joe slowly smirked.

"Then what are we doing here?"

[cuziloveyou7]

Festering feelings

Pairing: Bokuto Kōtarō x gn!reader

Wordcount: 1.7k

Warnings: angst, mentions of depression, anxiety and panic attacks. Also kind of mentioning eating disorder?

A/n: I know I said I don't like angst and stuff, but since I'm a walking angst piece right now... here ya go! I did it! Someone help me out bc idk how to do tw! If I missed something please tell me! Also please bare in mind that this is my first real fic after not having written anything for 7 years.

This is not proof read, I made this around 1.30am bc I had an idea.......

It was slow, very slow, yet very fast. The first thing that happened was just build up tension. You were mad, frustrated. You needed to vent but didn't want to bother anyone. You would usually confide in Bokuto but he was so busy. The Olympics were coming up and he was training so hard. Each time he came home he was even more tired than the day before and the day before that. So you just did what you always do, suck it up and keep your mouth shut.

-----------

You were slipping. You felt it gradually happening. Not like the times before, when for the most part you didn't know what was happening. No this time you knew.

A week. That's all you could handle. Slipping up here and there, mentioning tiny details to your best friends. Until eventually you just wanted to scream on top of your lungs on the highest building you could find at that moment. Luckily one of your friends caught on and asked you out for a walk around the park.

The two of you talked for hours. Finally getting it off your chest. It felt like such a relief. You felt like the situation was under control again. Nothing wrong. A false alarm? Or maybe just in time before the damage was out of anyone control.

Another week passed. You absorbed yourself in work, house duties and watched some episodes of your favourite anime. You cherished the little time you could spend with Bokuto and loved the stories he would tell you about the team. Your best friend also checked in on you, because they were still worried about you even though you brushed them off saying all was well.

But that nasty tiny feeling inside you was still there. A little unconscious, but festering each day, oh so slowly.

It started with getting tired more often. You blamed it on work. But even on your days off, you would wake up feeling exhausted. You would be so drained even when you did nothing but watch TV or play games to pass the time.

The next thing that happened made you more aware of your situation. Your friend asked you to go out for a walk again. You guys talked, gave an update on what was bothering you but switched the topic to an update about your friend's life. While they were telling you about their life you noticed you weren't exactly paying attention. Your mind wandering off to nowhere, zoning out of the conversation. You felt bad. Your friend had been there for you, listening to all your problems and yet here you were not really paying attention to them.

The same goes for Bokuto. He would come home, ask you how your day was and continue with telling you about his. As much as you loved his stories about the antics of Hinata and Kageyama or the other players, you actually couldn't be bothered in the least. Responding with a 'really?', 'Oh yeah...', 'that's nice'.

Next came closing yourself off. You just wanted everything to get over with. Counting the minutes down for when you could finally go home from work and curl yourself in a blanket on the couch. When Bokuto came home you would usually be "too absorbed" in whatever was playing on the TV or you would already be in bed, blaming it on work or just being tired.

You started losing interest in all the things you liked. You couldn't occupy yourself anymore. The days became longer and longer. You started losing your appetite. Only eating when your body basically screamed for nutrition and even then you would sometimes ignore your own body's scream for food.

At some point, you were just so done. Not caring to force a smile on your face anymore. Plain up ignoring your friends when they texted you. And when Bokuto would come home. The lights would already be out and you would lay in bed with the covers over your head and your back facing him.

Usually, Bokuto picks up very fast on your moods and emotions. Having gone through his well famous emo modes when he was younger. The two of you were always open and honest with your feelings and emotion towards each other. It was something you guys as a couple prided yourselves on.

It was also something you especially needed. Having gone through horrible panic attacks, anxiety and depression. Talking yourself down was/is also something your very good at. And Bokuto picked up on that very quickly when you just started dating.

To some Bokuto seems very carefree and not aware of his surroundings. But in actuality, he's very emotionally intelligent. So he struck up a conversation you would've never guessed you'd have on one of your many dates. Bokuto eased you into it, told you about his emo modes and made you comfortable enough to let you open up about your experiences. This actually helped you go past the blockade that was stopping you from making this relationship official.

But with Bokuto training for the upcoming Olympics and him being away from home more often than not, it was easier to go unnoticed for him and easier for you to slip and fall into a deeper depression.

After weeks of walking around like a zombie, you finally broke down. You had a day off. When you woke up Bokuto was already gone. He texted you later that day saying he would sleep at the training centre because training would go on longer than normal.

It had been a beautiful day, the weather was nice, the sun had been shining, the warmth of summer started to peek through. It would have made you giddy had it not been for the nasty pest growing bigger and bigger inside you. When dusk came you felt it bubbling up. You tried really hard to ignore it. Tried to soothe it with some episodes of your comfort anime. Tried to pick yourself up and pamper yourself with some extra steps in your skincare routine but it was all in vain. Once you stepped inside your shared bedroom you felt the tears trickling down your face. Through your tears you searched for your earbuds, plugging them in and searching for the best sad songs playlist you could find. Shutting off the lights as you lay down in the middle of the bed.

At first, you just lay there, looking up at the ceiling, silent tears streaming down your temple, past your ears into your hair. You felt the tears slowly make their way past your scalp until they finally touched the soft pillow behind your head. You turned your head getting uncomfortable from the feeling of your tears. The pillow your head lay on smelled like him, it's smelled like everything you loved, comforted, his favourite shower gel, a hint of sweat, it smelled like warm sunbeams on an early summer morning, it smelled nice. This made you break down in sobs, which became louder the longer you went on. You stuffed your face in his pillow, threw the covers around you, trying to silence your sobs and screams. They were too loud for you, agonising pain shot through you. You felt alone. Spiralling deeper into a dark hole that was your mind.

-----------

When Bokuto stepped inside your shared apartment he tried to be as silent as he could. The lights were out, a sign that you would probably be asleep already. While trying to get his shoes off Bokuto debated whether or not he should wake you up. He noticed you being unusually tired and sleeping earlier than you normally would. He looked at the clock hanging on the wall, 9.04 pm. A soft smile crossed his features. Maybe he was a bit selfish but he decided to wake you and tell you about his surprise day off coach gave the team. Shuffling around in the dark apartment trying not to bump into any furniture he neared the bedroom door.

The smile Bokuto had on his face disappeared in an instance. His heart dropped when he heard your muffled sobs. You sounded tired. As if you had been crying for a while now. Bokuto rested his head against the door, gripping the handle until his knuckles turned white. How could he not have noticed it before? Sure he was busy, but he always noticed when you started feeling down. Was he not paying attention to you? Had he been too absorbed in his own world? Why didn't you tell him anything? You guys told each other everything. What got you down like this so bad you wouldn't open up to anyone, not even him. But most of all, he was angry, angry at himself for letting it get this far.

But right now that wasn't important. What's most important is you. Without further hesitation Bokuto softly opened the door and stepped towards the bundled up form on the bed.

---------

You felt a cold rush of the air when your blankets lifted up from you. Goosebumps made their way onto your skin. But it wasn't long before you felt a comfortable warmth surround you. Nothing like the suffocating warmth from your blankets. Two strong arms held your body. You didn't have to look up to see who the arms belonged to.

No words were spoken between the two of you. You started sobbing a little louder again until you felt the soft vibrations of Bokuto humming. Taking your earbuds out you looked up at the man 'Kou..' you sniffle softly, but before you could continue Bokuto laid your head back on his chest and started petting your head 'It's okay now. I'm here. Let's just stay like this okay? We'll talk tomorrow' he gave your head a soft kiss before continuing humming again.

Tired from all the crying combined with the soft vibrations coming from Bokuto humming you closed your eyes. Your worries drifted away, tomorrow was another day. You would tell Bokuto everything. But for now, you felt content, safe in his arms. The bad feelings slowly subsiding for at this moment, he was your light, he was the warmth you were desperately searching for, he is your home.

[boldlyvoid]

Amoreena | chapter twelve

Chapter Twelve

main summary: Heaven is a real place and it's located exactly 14.6 miles away from the FBI, Quantico Headquarters. Off behind a small park, under a fantastical willow tree surrounded by wildflowers, in every colour young minds can imagine.

Don't forget, heaven also comes with angels.

Chapter Warnings: spencers mom has a bad day at the doctor's and so spencer thinks he's going to have a bad day too but he ends up having the best day of his entire life.

talk of pregnancy, celebratory sex, oral (female receiving), grinding, no penetration, serious deep talks after sex about their most depressive episodes, sharing trauma and making sure they know the other is loved regardless of what goes on in their mind. it's a rough one so read with caution

word count: 4.5K

from the beginning <3

He was up before Amoreena, awaking for the second time that morning to the sound of his alarm, kissing Y/N on the forehead before leaving their bed, she simply laid there and watched him get ready.

Most of his clothes were here now, every time he was near his apartment he brought more and more things home with him. Because that wasn’t his home, it hadn’t been for a long time, even when he lived there it was just a trove of books and a bed he slept on occasionally.

They were probably going to move all his stuff over in the summer, after the second wedding… after the girls meet Taylor, and hopefully when Y/N’s actually pregnant and not too sick or tired to help.

“Come here,” she whispers before he can slip out of the room, “kiss your wife.”

He can’t help but smile as he bounds towards the bed, jumping in and wrapping her up in his arms. He smothers her face in kisses, making her laugh, still half asleep as she let him manhandle her.

“I love you,” he reminded her.

“We love you too,” she replied with a smile, answering for Amoreena even though she was still asleep down the hall, “don’t wake her up yet, she needs all her rest for today.”

“I’ll be quiet,” he responds with a smile, kissing her again before he finally gets out of the bed, if not he would have stayed there forever.

He tiptoes down the hall and into Amoreena’s room, kissing her sweet little forehead lightly before exiting just as quietly. It was like he was never there.

He snuck down the stairs quietly, locked the door behind himself on the way out, and took off down the driveway in his old blue Volvo amazon, paying extra attention to the path for any kitties or Rufus out on their morning strolls.

It didn’t take long for a happy day to go sour when he was in a doctor's office with his mom. Those were the worst places he could go with her, especially on a bad day. Her mind was playing tricks on her, she really didn’t like hospitals or government buildings, even lawyers' offices stressed her out.

Today she was convinced he wasn’t really her son, Spencer, and that he was actually leading her to be a government experiment. It was hard to see her struggle, especially on a day they needed to ask her serious questions while she sat still. It was the fact she had to stay awake for 24 hours that triggered the episode, the EEG requiring her mind to be deprived of sleep. It was rough, she barely knew him. They wouldn’t have the test results for a while but he already knew it wasn’t good.

He dropped her back off at the home as quickly as he could, not able to deal with the verbal abuse any longer, he didn’t even say goodbye. The woman he dropped off was his mother on the outside but not on the inside today. It was really hard to look at her and know her, but not see that same look in her eyes.

By the time he’s returning to the farm, it’s 11:45 and he’s exhausted.

He finds Y/N in the bedroom, lying in bed in just a t-shirt and her underwear, completely sound asleep with the blankets thrown off the bed. She looks so beautiful, he slips out of his clothes to match her, sliding into bed beside her and just looking at her perfect face.

He presses a kiss to her shoulder that startles her awake, “oh god, Spencer!” she places her hand on her heart as she calms down.

“Sorry,” he smiles, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her in closer.

“How’s your mom?” Her tired words meet his ears and his smile dies.

“Not great, really don’t want to talk about it yet,” he was honest with her, snuggling in closer as she hummed in agreement to drop it. “How was Amoreena’s morning?”

“I told Amoreena I wouldn’t tell you, but I don’t need to you to freak out in front of all the kids or cry or pass out in front of all them, but there’s a positive pregnancy test on her all about me project,” she explains it like she’s about to say it’s just Amoreena’s from 8 years ago…

He pulls back slowly, looking into her eyes as she smiles wider and wider, “you’re pregnant?”

She nods her head as her smile gets bigger and toothier, she’s wrapping her arms around him so tight it’s like he can’t breathe for multiple reasons.

“We did it, Spencer, I made you a daddy again,” the words carry from her mouth in a beautiful tune.

He’s holding her back so gently, afraid to squeeze too hard and hurt her and the tiny little life that’s starting inside her. He’s silent, overjoyed but absolutely dumbstruck at the fact it’s real. A month ago he thought about walking into traffic after work and just seeing what happened, now he was a father of 2 with a wife and a happy farm and a life that was good.

A life he deserved.

All thanks to a beautiful little girl with an interest in dinosaurs and making new friends. Amoreena was an angel sent from heaven, improving both of their lives greatly, and now they were making another.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, oh my god yes, I’m just,” he didn’t know what words to say and it was evident. “Amoreena knows?”

She nodded softly, “she now knows girl parts make eggs, boy parts make sperm, and that adults have sex but you can only make a baby at 25, she really didn’t seem to be all that interested in the science, but she’s excited to be a big sister.”

“Wow,” it all caught up to him then, he placed his hand on her stomach softly, “hi little one.”

Y/N laid back against the bed, pulling her shirt up so he could see the barely-there bump, “It’s mostly leftover’s from Amoreena, but yeah, there’s another one in there.”

He couldn’t help himself from running his hands over the curve of her stomach, thinking about Amoreena being in there once upon a time and how tiny she must have been. It was even weirder to think that a part of her was once even in him.

“It’s strange to think that I jerked off into a cup and you made the most perfect kid on earth with it… it just feels like it doesn’t add up. She’s so perfect I can’t believe she was once a part of us both,” he can’t help but let his inner monologue seep out, she didn’t mind it, she loved hearing how his mind worked.

“I can’t wait to see you holding this little one,” her hands joined his on her stomach, the shape of her forefingers and thumbs making a heart over her bare belly.

Spencer leaned in and kissed right in the middle, beside her belly button, in love with whoever was in there already.

“Amoreena had a dream last night too,” Y/N cuts into his little moment, “guess how many sisters she said she had.”

“8?” Spencer can’t help but smile.

She nods, “I don’t know what it is about this house but the good dreams always come true, who knows how many babies are in there right now.”

“I hope just one for now,” he says in all honesty, “I really want time with just one little one, you and Amoreena. A family of four for a bit and then the twins, that’s how it was in the dream.”

“Did they have names?”

“You called them Elly, Junie, tho and Cordelia, and you said there were 3 sets of twins, two after Cordelia,” he remembers it all as if he was really there, whispering all the words against her stomach, his cheek resting on the band of her underwear as he laid between her legs with his arms around her.

“Amoreena, Elizabeth, Juniper, Theodora, and Cordelia were all the options I was choosing from last time,” she says with the widest smile, “how the heck did your mind know that?”

“It felt very real, which is why I was so worried about where I was, I don’t know how I could have missed anything but now I know that part was just my anxiety,” Spencer rationalized it. “Amoreena probably had the better version of that future in her dream last night.”

“I was having a great dream before you came back,” she teases him, running her fingers through his hair as he continues to kiss her stomach.

He loops his fingers around the band of her underwear, sliding it down just low enough to really kiss where that baby of his is hiding out. She lifts her hips into the contact, letting him slip them down her legs and completely off, she spreads her legs even more.

He takes his time pressing a kiss to every single inch of her, her skin is soft, her leg hair is prickly on his hands and his cheeks but it’s nice, he rubs his face against her like a cat marking his territory as she continued to scratch his scalp.

He spread her open with two fingers, he presses a soft kiss to her clitoris and all the way down to her opening before licking a wet stripe up the sensitive skin. The moan she releases is the loudest one he’s heard on her yet, it was really the first time he’s been allowed to really enjoy her.

“It’s important for your partner to help with the stretching in the third trimester,” she teases him, “but they don’t mention anything about starting too early being a bad thing.”

“I don’t want to disrupt anything in there,” he worries aloud, letting her decide if it’s okay.

“Don’t flatter yourself,” she laughed, “I don’t think you’d reach them, but if you’re really worried there are other ways to help.”

“Such as,” he asks, lowering his face back down to her wet heat, continuing to explore her with his tongue as he expects her to talk.

“You, um you can, shit, wow,” she props herself up on her elbows to get a better look at what he’s doing as she stalls for a few minutes, “just rub yourself over me, Spencer please, I want more of you.”

She grips him by his cheeks and pulls him up into a kiss, both of them rushing to push his boxers down and off his legs, she spreads her own once more so he can press against her.

His hard cock resting flat against her, rubbing back and forth as he spreads her wetness around with him. The head gliding over her clit just the right way as she held him close to her body, kissing down his neck and sucking marks all over his chest.

She was desperate for him and who was he to deprive her, so he rocked into her more, grinding down harder against her body and making her shaking lightly. It felt better, more intimate, more euphoric than any other sex he’s had, just being close to her had him on the edge faster than he expected to get there.

She’s chanting his name then, head tossed back against the pillow as she digs her fingers into his asscheeks, holding him so close to him he can feel her orgasm rush through her. She stills, bucking up into him one last time as he finishes all across her stomach.

His hands are curled around her cheeks then, holding her perfect face in his hands as he hovers over her, using everything in his power to not crush her or the baby. He’s trying so hard to steady his breathing, so is she, they just smile at each other, laughing lightly at how in love they are.

“I love you,” he says on impulse, “you’re so good to me.”

“Look at all the good you’ve given me,” she whispers, “it would be wrong for me not to love you for everything you’ve done for me, whether you were aware of it or not.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m not going to tell you about my depression while your cum dries between us like glue,” she laughed at how crude it sounded.

He laughs lightly too, rolling off her to see just how much of a mess they made. “Tell me in the shower?”

“Seems appropriate,” she agreed, taking his hand and following him into the bathroom.

He loved the old feel of her bathroom, the green linoleum and floral wallpaper, the pink towels and bright orange shower curtain, it was happy and bright and the perfect place to laugh for half an hour as they washed each other.

She has him pressed against the shower wall then, water trickling over them gently as she stares into his eyes, “I don’t know how to say it without it coming out really scary,” she finally resumes the conversation they were about to have in the bedroom.

“I’ve probably been in the same mental state, I’m not going to judge your method of choice,” he explains it in a way that she’ll know he really, really gets it.

“I had a few suicidal thoughts when my grandma went to chemo before I chose your sample and before I did all the hormones, I was thinking why should I stay and bring another life into my misery when I could just die first and not have to see her go through that anymore,” she sucks her bottom lip into her mouth as she stops, letting him digest all the words.

“Did you try anything?” He’s not sure why he’s asking.

She shakes her head, the best no he’s ever seen in his life. “My grandma noticed on my birthday when I wasn't coming down for breakfast like normal, I was really depressed and so we went out and talked and had lunch together for the first time in forever cause she wasn't feeling sick, I’ll never forget it. It was the best and worst birthday of my life.”

“I’m the worst husband ever,” he says, taking her by surprise, “I don’t even know your birthday.”

It makes her laugh, taking her out of the sadness as she realizes he really doesn’t judge her, he gets it completely. “January 16th, 1986, three minutes after Evan,” she manages to say it with a smile.

“That’s the date Maeve died,” both of them stare at each other in shock, wondering just how many other coincidences they had out there to figure out.

“How many days after did you donate?”

“On the 19th,” he confirmed without taking a breath, “holy shit.”

“We both were suicidal on the same day,” she covers her mouth with a wet slap, laughing at the worst thing she’s ever said, it’s the shock and the emotions of everything catching up to her right then and there.

“Oh my god,” he laughs in response, both of them laughing as they hugged in the corner of her green shower. “we are fucked up.”

“Soulmate things,” she shrugged, holding him even tighter.

He wished she could see his face then, the looking that overcame him as he heard the word soulmates. She just called him her soulmate. He licks his lips, taking it all in and almost hyperventilating, she can feel the way his breathing changes as she looks up with concern.

“What?”

He shakes the thoughts out, swallowing sharply as he makes eye contact with her, “nothing.”

“No, I know that look Spencer, what did your brain say to you this time? I will go in there and kick its ass,” she pokes his forehead then, threatening his anxiety to fuck off.

“I never thought I’d get to hear someone say that to me, it’s stupid,” he felt too vulnerable suddenly, sky and closed off.

“Who hurt you?” She asks in complete curiosity, wanting to know why he can’t imagine someone loving him.

“My parents,” it slips out before he can catch it, “I love my mom. I always have to preface that, she did what she could but it was nowhere near enough. I don’t hold anything against her, I just hate that that’s how it was, that she had bad days at all because they always shine brighter in my memory than the good days.”

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have pushed you,” she worries this time, seeing the hurt on his face and feeling like she fucked up, he can read her micro-expressions easier than anyone else.

“I would have told you soon enough, my dad left because of my mom's illness and he made sure I knew he didn’t want me. I don’t care that he kept up with me on the internet, the fact he didn’t even care to let me know he lived 10 miles from me my whole life makes me feel sick. I was 14 point 6 miles away from Amoreena this whole time and I would give all my fucking organs to go back in time and be with her from day 1, I don’t get how he could just not love me?” The rant comes out of his mouth for the first time ever, the same thoughts that have been there building for 40 years bursting at the seam.

She reaches behind them to turn off the water then, stepping away from him while he cools down a bit, “Yeah, no I get it, I hate him too now. That's so fucked up, honey, I'm so sorry.”

It makes him huff out a laugh, “I’m sorry, you’re not my therapist you don’t have to deal with all that.”

“I’m your wife, I deal with that regardless. In sickness and in health remember?” She reminds him, “depression is just as real of an illness as cancer. I don’t want you to keep these thoughts from me. I want to know about every paper cut, every splinter, every bad thought that crosses that beautiful mind because I love you.”

“As long as you always remember that too,” he makes sure that she knows he feels the same. “Don’t keep anything from me thinking it’ll ruin the happy atmosphere of this kingdom, Amoreena would tell you that a castle is only as strong as its weakest brick. If you crack we all tumble.”

“My foundations are strong, if not Derek’s a renovator right?” She raised her eyebrows, making another joke. They were always going to be okay.

“Speaking of, how are we going to house all 12 of these children you plan on having?”

"We, smartie pants, we are having," she tosses the shower curtain out of the way then, stepping out and wrapping herself in a towel, “I was thinking we add a few more rooms, nanny and pop were always adding on to this place, it would be nice to fix it up a bit.”

“I can see if Derek wants to help, or we can find a contractor?”

“Well, Alli still has another 8 weeks till her baby comes, so you might as well do something with Derek here in that time,” she agrees with a smile, “my nanny left everything to me, so I have a decent amount saved still for whatever you guys think the house can handle, I just want it done safely, and it has to match.”

She was bossy, he loved every second of it. “Yes ma’am,” he smiles as he steps out, drying off beside her.

Y/N couldn’t stop smiling at him as she watched him fluff his curly wet hair in the mirror, “how would you like to go out and get our first kid a big sister present before the graduation?”

“We never had a chance to read on Saturday, would you want to get her a big sister book and read at the tree?” Spencer suggests, making eye contact with her reflection in the mirror, even backwards she’s beautiful.

She nods with a smile, “sounds great, daddy.”

He wraps his arms around her before she can leave the room, kissing her neck and shoulder as she squirms, trying to get away from him but failing on purpose. “Spencer, seriously we have to go.”

“Then don’t call me daddy,” he whispers in her ear, and he can physically feel the way it excites her.

“We will revisit this later,” she says with a stern look as she pulls away finally, dropping the towel on purpose as she walks towards her new closet.

She was going to be the death of him, and hopefully, that wasn’t for a long time. Hopefully, he thought right then and there, that the moment he finally does die, he dies is beside her. Happily in his sleep, as they’re in their 90’s, and in a perfect world she’d slip away with him.

“Can I ask a dumb question?” He rushes the words out, taking her up on that offer of hearing all the bad thoughts.

“Always,” she smiles.

“When we get to heaven, stay with me? Pick me instead of Stephen for the forever part?” He’s not sure why he’s crying, or why he’s thinking about it. But it’s where his mind went and she said she’d always follow.

She tilts her head to the side, dropping her shoulders as she sighs, “we can set Stephen and Maeve up with each other.”

It makes him smile, she always knew what to say. “Who knows, they could be the reason all this happened.”

She nods then, “I like the thought of that, they deserve to be happy together, I’m sure they would like each other.”

He really believed they were soulmates then, that something bigger set up all these dominoes and he was so excited to watch them fall. To see where they landed, the beautiful pattern that they would reveal. The wonderful world he was creating with her was always going to be amazing because something greater than them said so.

—

She looked more beautiful than he’s ever seen her as they rolled up to the school. She was physically glowing, her hair was perfect, her dress laid over her stomach in the right way that he could see proof she was with child, even if she called it leftovers from the last one. It was his favourite part of her, it was where she made the best person they knew.

They walked around to the back gate, hand in hand, smiling wide as they walked into the little classroom. There were balloons and streamers everywhere, they had little cupcakes all set up and all of them were in matching blue caps and gowns.

Amoreena waved at them when she saw them, not allowed to leave her seat from where they were practicing their ceremony. It was unbelievably adorable, Spencer couldn’t help but be that Dad who took a million photos on his cellphone. He was never going to miss another moment.

JJ wrapped her arm around him sneakily, startling him as she hugged him, “hello Spencer Reid, father and husband,” she teased him. “Still weird thinking of you as a dad.”

He wanted to tell her, but she’d know soon anyway once she saw the all about me project, “shit,” Y/N says from behind him as she realizes too. “Tell her.”

“We’re having another one,” Spencer whispers in JJ’s ear before she can even react.

She smacks his side as she pulls back, staring at him with her mouth wide open. The same face Henry made when he saw Y/N for the first time, completely shocked and nervous, “oh my god?”

He nodded, “we’re not telling anyone, I was supposed to find out on her all about me project but she didn’t want me to pass out in front of all the kids.”

It made JJ laugh, shrugging as she agreed with the idea, she pulled away from him and wrapped Y/N up in her arms, hugging her ever so softly. Y/N closed her eyes and pressed their cheeks together as she accepted the thank you, knowing JJ was just happy to see Spencer succeed.

She placed a hand on Y/N’s tummy before pulling away fully, “I always hoped I’d see the day where Spencer made a little genius, I still can’t believe Amoreena is his sometimes, that hasn’t really hit me yet, but this… this is real. I’m so happy for you.”

Y/N cried a little, wiping her eyes as she laughed it off, “okay, sorry this is a big day for me, my first baby is graduating, this baby is trying to grow a heartbeat, it’s all a lot.”

“I get it, believe me,” JJ agreed, placing her hand on Y/N’s lover back and holding her close to her side. Bonding in that moment, making Spencer’s heart swell.

“Where’s the cowboy?” She changed the subject, looking for Will.

“Oh there’s a case in Kentucky, I missed Henry’s graduation, so I’m here for Michaels while he’s on the case, it’s only fair,” she explained with a smile, content with how their life and relationship worked.

“Do you want to sit with us?” Y/N offered, pointing at the folding chairs, taking a seat with JJ in the front, sitting between her and Spencer so she could talk to both of them before the ceremony.

It was lovely having them become friends, his first love and the last one he'd ever have.

They passed out tissues (thank god) before the ceremony, Y/N and Spencer both using at least 5 as they watched Amoreena get her tiny scroll of paper, move the string on her hat to the other side and then wave at them. Spencer took at least 100 photos of her, unable to stop how proud he felt that he made her.

What Amoreena failed to mention was that she was chosen to be the class valedictorian, surprising them with a tiny speech at an even tinier podium. It was so cute, both Spencer and JJ recorded it to remember for later.

“My class chose me to talk to everyone because I’m the oldest, lots of my classmates like to think of me as an older sister,” she smiled right at her parents, hinting at the fact she knew when she thought Spencer didn’t yet.

So he played along, looking surprised at the word choice.

“I’ve had the best two years with all my friends in this classroom, Miss Kennedy was the nicest women they could pick to make sure we learned everything we need to before grade school starts,” her words were definitely chosen by her, possibly reworded by her teacher but definitely from her heart.

“My mom taught me the alphabet, she taught me how to spell and count, she taught me lots of things that miss Kennedy taught in here, at first it was hard being the kid who knew more, but then it was fun getting to help everyone else learn,” she continued with the most enthusiastic voice, going off-script as she thought of more. “My dad, though, he’s taught me how special our family is. How special it is to get to meet new people and learn about the world with them, I’m so glad my parents made me so I could learn with all of you these past 2 years.”

All the parents were crying, she was able to touch the hearts of everyone around her. At the age of 7, she was more well-spoken, more understanding and grateful than any of the adults in that room.

“I’ll see you all on the big kid yard next year!” She cheered, jumping up and down and clapping, all her friends rushed to the stage for a big group hug.

His little girl was so unbelievably loved, the way she deserved.

tag list: @shemarmooresfedora @spencers-dria @spookyspence @reidsfish @manuosorioh @mochionly @samuel-de-champagne-problems @jswessie187

[verobatto]

Unrequited Destiel...

The Legend of The Sun and The Moon

I just wanted to explain in a few words to those that are asking why Dean didn't reply to Cas or why is Jensen talking about angelical way to feel things.

I know they're a lot of post saying WE TOLD YOU THIS AND THAT, and is true. Because if you read my Destiel Chronicles from the beginning, you will see I ALWAYS CALLED THE UNREQUITED LOVE FROM CAS AND DEAN'S POV.

Some of you disbelieves this idea, but is the only way to intepretate why Destiel is the slowest slow burn ever.

No more intro, let's suffer together...

Season 4 and 5 JUST A FLIRTING GAME

Once Dean was pulled out from Hell, Castiel wanted to talk with him. He didn't wait a second. Things blew and it was messy, and even Bobby was scared that that thing would hurt his idjit. But it was just Cas, trying to speak with Dean, desperately trying to reach him in his true form. Why? Because he wanted to talk with him. He had to explain Dean's mission but also, he felt fascinated. And even more after their first meeting face to face when he was finally able to find a vessel.

And Dean just it took him just a little of his time to feel the same fascination. The almighty angel, that could see right through his soul.

But also the angel that said things like...

And we have the handprint too, such an intimate sign between these two.

Castiel showing him, honestly showing him with words and actions, his special interest on him:

"My superiors begun to question my sympathies. I was getting too close to the humans in my charge. You."

How would Dean take this here? The poor guy just decided to check out the angel, and speechless as he was at that moment, couldn't reply to it. "Is he flirting with me? Does he know how gay this sounds?"

Then Cas rebel against Heaven for Dean. Dean pushed him, the whole he pushed Cas to help him. If you rewatch season 4 Dean is constantly asking Cas to help him. Because he already know Cas was different. Because he felt Cas was his friend, his ally, and something else it was growing up in his chest.

While Cas pushed him against the wall, cut his forearm and drew the sigil, Dean's face is full of awe. He can't believe this soldier powerful angel is doing this for him.

And then... "We're making it up as we go."

Gif credit @cyxnrose

The beginning of season 5 is a very busy Cas searching for God, but also, the flirtation begins. Dean is like a cute boy flirting with his crush. The second meaning jokes, trying to figure out if Cas catch it is hilarious. But he will understand 'Cas doesn't understand that reference.'

From Dean's POV in these two season, we coul under he thinks angels are junk less.

Season 6: The profound Bond and the Longing

The romantic feeling from both sides began to flow even more when Castiel goes into the black side, and the first Destiel break up appears infron of our eyes in the middle of a very romantic scenes.

Gif credit @starlightcastiel

Gif credit @inacatastrophicmind

The last gif is out of discussion, bot men looking at each other with sad eyes, longing and as if their conversation isn't over. Dean being disappointed at Cas and Cas trying to make him see his point. Everything he does, he does it for Dean.

And now we know why it is.

Season 7: Mourning Dean and the Jealousy

Even with Showrunner Sera Gamble trying to focus Dean's morning into a Wincest subtext, we had put king Ben Edlund came to the rescue in episode 7x09.

Putting things in order, we were faced with Dean's source of depression: Castiel's death.

So, after that, when Cas really comes back, the reunion is another romantic movie. The MEMORY LOST trope.

And then... Castiel's pseudo wife...

The trope is getting better with the spicy Jealousy in Dean's eyes.

Gif credit @impalaofgrace

So he can't completely enjoy Cas is back because:

1) He doesn't remember him: so, how can be mad or anything else if Cas doesn't remember any details of their break up?

2)The guy has a wife! Okay, so, he has a wife, he easily got a wife from... Nowhere?

And then Meg comes and he is Jealous all over again!

Dean is a really mess of feelings, but in the end, when Cas recalls everything, and when I say everything, i mean Dean, because the majority of his memories was him, Dean just pulls out from his car Castiel's bloody trenchcoat and gives it him back!

So, if there was any doubts about why was Dean mourning and depressed for, we have the confirmation!

Then, let's turn the page, because now is Cas the mess... Depressed and suffering, because he almost destroy heaven, but, do you know what cares the most to Cas and when he cheers up? Yes...

When Dean says... "I RATHER JAVE YOU, CURSED OR NOT" Castiel immediately changed his face, he smiles, and kept staring at Dean with heart eyes. He was happy because Dean was forgiving him. Because since he recovered his memories, the biggest cause of it was Dean's rejection. Dean not being able to forgive him. That was the main cause of his sadness. That's why he avoided reality, he didn't have a cause, because his cause was Dean and Dean was mad at him. But now? Cas is happy again. That's why he decides to come back to battle. "I'll go with you."

Season 8 Purgatory of love and Pining!Dean

Okay, is in this season, Carver era, when Dean's POV has a turning point about Castiel and his true feelings for him and is in this season, when Dean starts pining strongly for the angel, and feeling his love is unrequited.

The cause of it, is Purgatory. The Purity about Purgatory resided in the capacity of that place to resides in abolish every human necessity to let the mind to focused in what really matters. In this case for Dean was SURVIVE AND CAS.

So we can say that what remained pure in Dean's heart was TO FIND CASTIEL.

That's why he prayed to him every night, and that's why in the moment Cas CONFESS he ran away to protect him, something in Dean changes forever.

Gif credit @agusvedder

If you pay attention to Dean's face reaction here, is the expression of the man that realizes in that precisely moment his feelings for Castiel. Even Cas stares to a side, because there was Benny watching them, and the thing he was about to say it was too intimate. I did it to protect you.

Dean, the Big Protector, is being protected by Castiel. So, in Purgatory, Dean Winchester find out his not platonic love for his best friend.

Then we had the entire season with pining!Dean and deception.

Dean's mind invented one excuse for Castiel running away from him because thinking his best friend abbandoned him, was just too painful. He does this again when Cas pushed him inside the gate and he stays in Purgatory. Dean just rewrote in his mind the whole sequence. Imagining that Cas was defeated. But the reality was, Castiel wanted to stay. And when Cas reveals this truth to the hunter, Dean's face is a mix of deep sadness and deception. He felt really rejected by his friend. He felt his unrequited romantic love for him. But he will feel it more stronger in the crypt scene, with the brainwashing and how Castiel's love for Dean broke th connection. But he left. That was a real rejection the hunter barely could handled.

Season 9: Pinning!Castiel and Human!Cas

When Cas became Human, he has to face all the intensity of human's feelings. In this season, is time for our angel to realize his romantic love for the hunter.

Castiel will mirroring Dean's pining in season 8, and he will also feel rejected by him.

Just like Dean in season 8, Castiel will feel his romantic love is unrequited, after Dean kicked him out from the bunker, being this the parallel to the crypt scene.

But then Cain's mark comes, and everything gets worst.

Season 10: Castiel is Dean's Colette

The whole Cain's mark was the visual sign of the Destiel handprint (profound bond) attempt of break.

With Cain and Dean going through a perfect parallelism in which Crowley was placed in the friend's spot, Sam in the brother's spot and Castiel in Colette's spot. Blatant and canon exposure of what Cas means for Dean.

But now, is time for Dean, after came back for being a demon, to feel unrequited again. And this is a detail that could be not seen, but it caught my attention.

CASTIEL: At least temporarily. It’s a long story. Crowley, stolen grace. There’s a female outside in the car.

This is what Castiel says when he goes into Dean's room and after Dean praises him...

Gif credit @inacatastrophicmind

Dean had been with Crowley when he was a demon this whole time, so Cas was heartbroken. Even this season opens with a very depressed Castiel in the bed just let himself die because Dean was gone. So, that's why Cas says this.

So you went with Crowley, i have a female in my car. See? I don't need you.

He was Jealous, and now Dean gets Jealous, but he also gets the sensation again of his love for Castiel is unrequited.

The episode that followed this one, Dean goes into a blind date with random chick he took from a date app (very ooc, but he did it because he had his heart broken and because he thought CAS had cheated on him while he was gone as a demon.)

Season 11: Dean resist a forced bond with Amara because he's bonded with Castiel

Season 11 is a blatant exposure of Dean's feelings for Castiel. There a lot of hints throughout the season telling us Dean is in love, just like in season 9 there was hints of this with Castiel. (Again, mirroring each other).

Dean resisted Amara because of his love for Castiel. But Cas is oblivious about this.

When Castiel is possesed by Lucifer, Dean switch's into desperate mode. If he was worried about his attraction for Amara, now the only thing he cares was Castiel, exposing again WHO DEAN IS IN LOVE WITH.

But when Dean wanted to rescue Castiel, and Cas didn't want to come back to him, it hurt him worst. Again, just like in season 8, Dean can't handle Cas doesn't want to come back with him (first from Purgatory and now from being possesed). Again Dean feels rejected and unrequited. That's why when Cas is back and the end of the world is close... Dean says these words...

"You're our brother, Cas. I want you to know that."

And Cas' face...

Gif credit @mad-as-a-box-of-frogs

That's a man with the heart broken, mostly because we know now he was in love with Dean CANON FACT! (sobbing louder).

Season 12 and the confusing I LOVE YOU

This season was full of married couple situations, but mostly, we had Castiel's I Love You in the barn, before "dying".

At first Dean thinks the angel was saying this as goodbye, expressing into words his feelings for the Winchesters. Because as and angel, maybe Cas was feeling he has to protect them all. But then he says this singular I Love You to Dean, and the guy doesn't know how to take it. It was a platonic ILY? A non platonic ILY? Does angels feel the same like us? Does he sees me as a brother? Dean was truly a mess, so he decides to respond to that with a Mixtape.

But, when Castiel disappears for days, he sinks again into that sensation of unrequited romantic love.

Then Cas comes back, and then he goes away again, and then he dies.

Season 13: The reunion and the meaning of Castiel coming back

Dean's mourning for Cas can't be interpreted otherwise than LOSING THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE.

And the longing for his angel plus some Nougat powers, brought him back.

The thing is, Dean didn't expr as his feeling for Castiel and when the angel asked him that he needed to believed that he came back for a reason, Dean goes...

Gif credit @inacatastrophicmind

This sound like if he was recruiting Cas for war. And Cas' took it as that. So he came back to soldier angel mode. Because, okay, if Dean and Sam needed him to fight, he will fight.

Unrequited Love again.

Season 14 Healing Dean and the prelude of the break up

Post-possesed Dean is a follow up of self knowledge and self growing. He was healing the whole season.

But in episode 14x04 we heard Dean being Jealous or hurt because Castiel didn't go to rescue him and then because he goes into hunts with Jack. Unrequited love again.

Did Cas miss me as I missed him?

Is the first time Dean will actually name the word LOVE talking with the kid.

And then Mary dies and everything is a mess.

Dean yells YOU ARE DEAD TO ME, and how sad that sounds now that the angel had died again. Saving his life.

Dark clouda over our ship...

Season 15: And Maybe is not too late...

In season 15 we lived the angst of the Destiel break up, but then their reunion in Purgatory was beautiful.

Again, facing the fact that he could lost Cas one more time, Dean went down on his knees and prayed to him, and because he was in Purgatory, his heart and mind were released from any distraction, and he was plenty focused in the love he feels for his angel.

He cried, and begged for him to come back.

And he found him, following his heart, the profound bond he has with Castiel.

But, when he was about to say something that he hadn't said in the prayer, Castiel cut him off. So... Again the hunter had to swallow his words and the unrequited love punch him again.

Then... Castiel's romantic love confession took Dean by surprise, because, now that you read all the clues i gave you and i convinced you that Dean and Cas thought their love were unrequited, you will understand Dean's reaction.

Gif credit @spnsmile

Dean didn't can't believe Cas had loved him the way he does this whole time and now, he will lose him again. Is too much pain he can't handle.

For a lot of reasons we had analyzed so many times (Dean's arc has to have a closure expressing his ILY to the angel, the Empty plot is not ended, Etc) Is logical to think Cas will come back in the last episode, and this slow burn story will end with them being together, finally.

To Conclude:

The legend of the Sun and the Moon talks about two lovers that can't be reunited but they love each other deeply.

Is accurate with Destiel, because these two men had always being pining for each other but never be able to be together as they wish.

Castiel always thinking Dean doesn't reciprocate his romantic feeling for him and Dean thinking because Cas is an angel, he doesn't love him back romantically.

The Sacred Oath always playing in Castiel's POV as an impediment too and Dean's love clocked in shame too.

The deal with the Empty had been settled as we suspected in season 14, as a romantic plot. So, it has to have a closure.

These thoughts are based on the volumes from my assay "The Destiel Chronicles", currently in it's 87th volume.

See you soon! Have faith!

Destiel Is Forever!

Tagging @gneisscastiel @emblue-sparks @magnificent-winged-beast @weird-dorky-little-d @michyribeiro @maleansu @legendary-destiel @a-bit-of-influence @thatwitchydestielfan @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover @lykanyouko @evvvissticante @savannadarkbaby @dea-stiel @mybonsai1976 @anarchiana @angelwithashotgunandtrenchcoat @trashblackrainbow @mishtho @dancingtuesdaymorning @feathered-cas @bre95611 @zoerayne2426 @justmeand-myinsight @that-one-fandom-chick @proccastinate @studio-hatter @pepevons @poorreputation @mrsaquaman187 @dizzypinwheel @jawnlockwinchester @dwstiel @ladygon @shippsblog @la-random-fangirl @lets-try-this-again-please @mychemicalobsession514 @destiel-shipper-11

@asphodelesauvage @2musiclover2

Buenos Aires November 17th 2020 8:33 PM

[canary3d-obsessed]

Restless Rewatch: The Untamed Episode 21, part one

(Masterpost) (Other Canary Stuff) (Previous Post)

Warning: Spoilers for All 50 Episodes!

Reunions

All together in The Unclean Realm, The Yunmeng trio find a spot inside where they can sit down and have a proper Yanli-Wuxian reunion, while Jiang Cheng sits across the table watching them. 

For years Jiang Cheng has been rejecting Wei Wuxian's free and easy affection; now Yanli might be the only person Wei Wuxian offers to hug until Wen Yuan comes into his life.

Jiang Cheng is really going through it. He'll do nearly anything for Yanli--except, uh, stay in the goddamn inn with her when she's sick and the Wens are hunting them--and what makes her happiest is Wei Wuxian. He's brought them together, and so he's happy, even though he's excluded from their dynamic. This absolutely fucking kills me.

Here Jiang Yanli and Wei Wuxian are sweetly pledging to always keep the trio together and put each other first. Neither of them will keep this promise. 

Wei Wuxian will leave first, to take the Wens to the Burial Mounds. Jiang Yanli will leave second, staying in Lanling at Jin Zixuan's request instead of accompanying Jiang Cheng to retrieve Wei Wuxian. Jiang Cheng will be the last to let go.

(more after the cut)

Nie Huaisang comes literally running in, filled with joy at Wei Wuxian's return. When he goes to pat his shoulder Wei Wuxian flinches away.

I feel like something important is happening in this rapid sequence of glances and expressions between Wei Wuxian and Nie Huaisang. NHS is startled, and WWX realizes he's shown something about himself that he didn't want to show. He glances at Jiang Cheng and back at NHS before laughing and covering his slip with a squeeze of NHS’s hand.

NHS switches from shocked to cheerful just as quickly, helping with the coverup. It’s like they have a quick mutual agreement, rooted in their history of shared shenanigans, to not point out that something is wrong.

Meanwhile, Lan Wangji is wandering around the grounds, having feelings. At this point it's presumably been at least a couple of weeks since their breakup fight. 

He sees Wei Wuxian sitting contemplating his flute, and as he sees him he goes from sort of neutrally apprehensive to full on angry judging, complete with sword clenching. 

Part of this may be that his feelings are hurt over their fight, but the larger issue is his distress over Wei Wuxian's apparent heretical cultivation.  That, at any rate, is what's on his mind when he's selecting music, later in the episode, and when he's selecting flashbacks. 

Party Time

Later, the Nies host an excruciating party to celebrate Wei Wuxian's slaughter of Wen Chao return. Jiang Yanli is sharing a table with Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng is sharing a table with his crippling social anxiety. 

Everyone starts grilling Wei Wuxian about his sword, because that's suddenly all anybody cares about even though Jiang Yanli, Nie Huaisang, Meng Yao, and probably plenty of other people don't carry swords most of the time.

Wei Wuxian says "after the Wens caught me, Wen Zhuliu crushed my core, so I can't use my sword any more, too bad so sad, can we change the subject?" And everyone is very understanding and admires his resiliency. HA HA HA HA HA. Of course he doesn't opt for that simple lie, but instead mopes audibly without saying anything.

Nie Huasiang tries to change the subject by asking how he killed Wen Chao. Apparently "I had a sexy ghost mostly flay him" isn't good party chat, though, so neither Wei Wuxian nor Jiang Cheng opts to tell the story. 

Everyone lapses into awkward silence, all the more noticeable because there are no dancers, musicians, or entertainers of any kind at this event. OP has gone to audit-kickoff meetings that were more fun than cultivator banquets.

Moment of Clarity

While the awkwardness builds, we hear the sounds of the Song of Clarity. Lan Wangji is skipping the party, which is part of why Wei Wuxian is so mopey. But instead of sitting and stewing in his anger, Lan Wangji has shifted gears, and is starting to work on his "save Wei Wuxian's soul" plan.

This isn't the God-botherer version of soul saving, however. Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian disagree about correct practice, but they both are still practitioners within the same spiritual system, and the majority of their beliefs are closely aligned.

Lan Wangji has powerful magic at his disposal, and now he's taking a step back from his plan of forcing persuading Wei Wuxian to give up heterodoxy, and instead he's preparing to use his magic to offset the consequences of Wei Wuxian's choice.

He still isn't ready to accept that choice, but he's working on it. This is a big moment for Lan Wangji's relationship with Wei Wuxian. Lan Wangji is a deeply, deeply uncompromising person, as well as being super bossy, and he’s taking his first steps toward supporting Wei Wuxian’s free agency. 

Wei Wuxian leaves the party in the middle of Yao's toast, saying "I have to see you and your lover all over my tumblr dashboard but I am NOT going to listen to you talk!" He takes his wine to go roam around near Lan Wangji's quarters to pine and feel conflicted.  Lan Wangji has thoughtfully set up a projection scrim to catch his shadow and make the pining easier.

Jiang Cheng comes looking for Wei Wuxian, partly to reprimand him for rudeness and partly to see what the hell is wrong with him. Jiang Cheng is trying very hard to be pleasant. He's bad at it, but he's trying.

Wei Wuxian is trying to be unpleasant and he's pretty good at it. He won't say why he isn't using his sword. He’s obviously super fucking depressed about it, calling his former self childish for liking to spar, and only smiling once during the whole exchange.

He finally tells Jiang Cheng that he will always want to do the opposite of what Jiang Cheng tells him.  Jiang Cheng lets this go with an eyeroll.

(Point Break Quote Alert)

But actually this is a sign of trouble, right here in River City, with a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for abandoning the Jiang Clan. Wei Wuxian has just told Jiang Cheng he has no intention of obeying him; not just about the sword, but in general. That's no way for a disciple to talk. 

OP has nothing to say about this gif. OP watches gif over and over and over and over

Wei Wuxian ends the conversation by tapping Jiang Cheng's chest with his flute and then walking away. The (still nameless) flute has no problem with this - does it, like Subian, recognize Jiang Cheng as an extension of Wei Wuxian?

The next day, Wei Wuxian is chilling in his room, looking ungodly sexy in his bold slashed robe, holy frack. I mean, he is sex-on-toast at all times, but the cut of his post-burial-mounds combo is particularly heart-stopping when he decides to stick a knee or two out. 

He's meditating and flashing back to being in the burial mounds, where he was also meditating. I admire his ability to fractally meditate about meditating. 

Chenqing

He didn't put a sock on the doorknob, so Jiang Yanli comes in and startles him. He brandishes his flute at her before calming down. The flute definitely does not see her as an extension of Wei Wuxian, because when she touches it, it smokes and then knocks her out of the frame so fast it's comical.

Did they put her in a jerk vest for that shot?

Wei Wuxian hides the flute from her, freaked out by its behavior. She, however, is unfazed, and gives him the first & only affirmation he's gotten about his new cultivation path, and says the flute is "like Mother's Zidian."  She kind of walks him through the whole "first class spiritual tool" concept, beaming with approval and telling him he must name the flute.  

Jiang Yanli is hardcore Jiang Clan, seriously. Freedom and impossibility. You survived 3 months of mystery trauma and now you're all fucked up? We'll roll with it. You have a demon flute now? Rock on. You're going to use necromancy to beat the other clans in a group hunt? Gold star for you.

He names the flute Chenqing, which @hunxi-guilai​ translates and explains in depth over here.

Bichen

Lan Wangji has finished practicing the Song of Clarity, and regardless of whether it's had an effect on Wei Wuxian, he himself seems much calmer. 

As Wei Wuxian contemplates Chenqing, Lan Wangji contemplates Bichen and remembers Wei Wuxian's assertions about resentful energy way back in Gusu summer school. 

This time when he grips his sword, it's loosely, as if he's made some progress with his anger.

Soup

Jiang Yanli sits Wei Wuxian down for some soup, and talks to him about what's going on with him, saying he's changed. He insists he's fine and works very hard to be convincing.

She's not convinced but says she won't press him, and then abruptly shifts tone and works very hard to act like everything is fine. She leaves, taking a lot of soup with her, and Wei Wuxian remarks that it's unfair she is giving so much to Jiang Cheng. But of course, some of it is secretly for Jin Zixuan.

Everything isn't fine, as Wei Wuxian scream-meditates with resentful energy just rolling off of him. He's got some of the dark energy stored in the Yin sword in his bag of holding, but I get the impression that a lot of it is just stored in his body.

Club Ruohan

At some point in the episode we stop in to check on Wen Ruohan. He and his wind machine are mad that Wen Chao is dead. 

Meanwhile, his interpretive dances with the Yin iron now turn his puppets into...Klingons? Sure, why not. 

Literal Stand-Up Meeting 

Jiang Cheng needs Wei Wuxian at games night a meeting and comes running to Jiang Yanli to find him. He is freaking out and she tells him to chill. 

No matter what fuckery is going on in the world, Jiang Yanli is going to find herself a nice little outdoor table and she is going to sit her ass down and have some tea and civilized lady activity. Queen.

This shot of the meeting is composed so nicely. The blocking (placement of actors) in this scene encapsulates the familial dynamics, and I’ll talk about that as soon as I finish admiring Jiang Cheng’s proportions. 

Here we have four clans represented by four family pairs around the game war table. The Jin cousins, despite their differing personalities, are side by side, matchy-matchy, in lockstep. Jin Zixuan lets Jin Zixun do the talking for him, so maintains his own rep as a reasonable guy.  

The Nie brothers are even closer together, also in matching greys, Nie Huaisang giving all of his attention to his brother/clan leader. You can see his careful watching of his brother's temper...not fearful for himself, but fearful for Mingjue.

The Lan brothers have a growing distance between them; they are in different colors (which is pretty usual for them), and Lan Wangji is standing well away from his brother and the rest of the group. Partly this is his personality, but it's also symbolic of his growing distance from his brother and other proper cultivators. He's carrying WWX-related secrets, and he's wrestling with what he's learned.  

While Nie Huaisang is looking at Mingjue, Lan Xichen is turning around to see what's up with his own volatile sibling.

Lastly you have Jiang Cheng, alone in the room, with his shidi nowhere to be found, and seriously feeling the heat because of his isolation. 

He's alone in his purple, but the color value (lightness/darkness) of his robes exactly matches Xichen's. 

And Xichen, bless him, makes a point of speaking to him respectfully as a fellow clan leader, gives him a path out of the "where is your brother" conversation, and is just generally his kind and helpful self with Jiang Cheng.

Next: Awkwardness Increases!

[itsmarieposa]

A Heartstopper Rant!

This contains minor to major spoilers by the way, so if you haven't watched or read it yet, then its best to keep scrolling and minding your own buzz. This is a lengthy one too so brace yourselves!

So... I just watched Heartstopper and finished reading the book, now while waiting for the updates of Volume 7 in webtoon, I decided to post a rant about Heartstopper because honestly, there is so much that I just want to say about the series.

First of all, I just want to say that Heartstopper is like being wrapped up in a warm blanket, having a hot chocolate, and being cozy and comfortable while the weather is cold or stormy. You know, those kind of days where you just want to feel comfortable? That's what Heartstopper is. I realized this while I was in the middle of episode 6, the scene where they're looking for Darcy and Tara and the gang barges into the door where they were locked in and then they ran cause they were late to the concert. All throughout the series, both the comics and the tv series was so warm and comforting and the reason for this is probably because it is really relatable. Come to think of it, a lot of what the characters did, we have done it too. Like when Nick was questioning his sexuality, so he ended up searching "am I gay?" on Google and I bet, if not all of us then at least a lot of us did it too. His confusion and frustrations was so relatable that I started tearing up too right as his tears fell down.

In my case, I really feel the struggle of Nick because I, too is feeling really confused about my sexuality. At the age of 15, I knew I wasn't straight. It felt weird to be labelled as "straight" or "heterosexual" because that didn't feel like me. I'm still confused to whether I am bisexual or pansexual, all I know is that I am not straight and me kissing girls and having been on a relationship with them and finding them hella attractive seals the deal. I still like boys but girls too. Which is why I hate that some people are mocking and laughing at that scene because that was such a heavy feeling. To be so confused and have no one to tell them what you are feeling so you resorted to the internet (which kinda helps tbh). Anyway, another relatable aspect is how Nick tends to "people please" like he can't say no and he cares too much about what other people thinks, a valid case is when he couldn't say no to Imogen's date because he didn't want her to feel bad and just as he was about to set things straight, her dog dies. I have a hard time saying no to people and wouldn't want to upset them so I really feel for Nick at this scene and others.

He really just radiates Golden Retriever vibes and I love how Kit Connor portrays Nick. At this point, Nick Nelson and Kit Connor are one and the same because you honestly just can't find the difference between the two. I am convinced he was born to play Nick and I am so happy and proud that he embodied the role. There could never be a Nick Nelson if it weren't for Kit Connor. I will literally fight you if you disagree.

Moving on, another person who is relatable is Charlie Spring. Honestly, I feel like I kin him. No joke, I feel connected to him more than anyone in the series and I think it has something to do with his mental health and how he carries himself. I'm not going to tackle his mental problems too much because I don't want this to end up sad and depressing, but I would like to touch up just how some particular scenes made me feel. An example is in the comics, wherein he overthinks why Nick is greeting him every time they passed by each other or when they are inside their form room. I feel for Charlie cause I would literally start overthinking why this popular rugby guy who's friends with some bullies is being nice to me, like is this some type of ploy? A joke? A prank? like isn't that something you would most likely do too? I swear, the minute I saw Charlie overthinking, I was like "oh crap! it's like another variant of myself!" and then I just watched and read as he continues to spiral into negativity especially in the other volumes and all I wanted to do was cry. I also felt for Charlie when he made out this scenario in his head about Nick confessing his feelings and I posted an Instagram story about it with the caption "same Charlie, same" cause I also create scenarios in my head like 24/7. It's quite comical and entertaining. So yeah, I kin Charlie Spring and I will protect and defend him until the end of times making sure that no one will hate on him. I'm trying to keep my Charlie rant brief so I might just make another blog post solely for him. He deserves it.

Let's not forget about the actor who brought Charlie Spring to life though. Joe Locke, if you ever end up reading this, you are an amazing person and no words could describe how much of an inspiration you have become. Like Joe's portrayal of Charlie Spring is just really amazing and great and show stopping and everything good basically. Just like Kit, I will fight you if you ever disrespect Joe. Literally, I would. I will smack you the way Tao smacked Harry with his beanie.

Speaking of Tao, I also relate to him. Not a surprise really, at this point I feel like I relate to all the characters (minus Ben and Harry cause fuck them). I don't relate to Tao a lot, but I do relate to his fear of being alone. I also have abandonment issues. I also relate to Elle because as we have seen it, she had a hard time making friends adjusting when she moved to Higgs. I also struggle to make friends when I'm at a new place, hence why I still have no friends at the place where I am currently living at :)

Although, I do have a bone to pick with the Netflix adaptation. It is obvious that they will change some parts of the story and add more stuff to it like them adding Imogen. What I don't understand though is them changing how Tao figures out that Nick and Charlie are dating. I really didn't like how he figures it out already since they only managed to say it during the Paris trip and for all of you who has read the comics, its kinda a long while till he figures it out. But I guess I can deal with that. What I am having a hard time dealing with is the fact that Elle practically snitched, telling Tao about Nick and Charlie. Like my girl Elle from the comics would never do that. Elle knows how to keep her promises and her mouth shut and considering what happened to Charlie with how he was outed, it really boggles my mind that Elle tells Tao about it without Charlie's knowledge or permission. Charlie already struggles from lack of control ever since the trauma that he got when he came out as gay without his consent. He didn't need that and it was out of character for Elle.

Despite those issues, I still enjoyed the Netflix adaptation and I really look forward to season 2. Call me dramatic but I instantly went to Google to ask "will there be season 2 of Heartstopper?" Yup, that series has officially taken over my life. Thank you Alice Oseman. If you haven't figured out, Alice Oseman is the person behind the great series, Heartstopper and she is brilliant, talented, and really amazing. I love her and I love all of the cast. Even the dog who played Nellie.

I really love Heartstopper. It has now been one of my comfort series ever since it came out and it's just refreshing to see a show about the LGBT+ community that isn't all sad and depressing, because not being straight isn't something bad. Just because you're gay, lesbian, pansexual, bisexual, or etc., doesn't mean it's the end of the world. In fact, it's really great to accept and to have finally figured out who we actually are because not a lot of us has the luxury of figuring out ourselves. Some of us, like me, is still a little lost and confused and that is the most frustrating thing ever. It really is. And of course, there would be the causes and the effects of coming out and it can be quite horrible and terrifying since there are a lot of judgmental and homophobic people, but I think the series made it a point to always mention either in words or just in actions that as long as you have those who supports you, they can be many or just one person, it's gonna be okay. We don't owe this people anything. To hell with what they say, we're living our lives and we are happy, they can shrivel up and turn to ashes. We are important, not them. They're just jealous cause we get to be happier and free with loving whoever the hell we want. At the end of the day, we all have someone to support us and that realization came from me watching and reading Heartstopper repeatedly.

It's comforting because it's relatable.

With that all said, thank you for reading my rant and I'll end one of my Heartstopper rants with the word:

"Hi!"

[low-budget-korra]

Lets talk about Korra (again)

i already made this analysis, and it was well received but i dont know, i wanna do it again. Why not right? My english is better now than was when i made that analysis so i think  this one will be better written

What a way to introduce a protagonist. This line and this scene tell us everything we need to know about Korra at that time and everything she knew about herself.

In book one Korra is a 17′s old teenager who have no idea how the world, how life is outside the training center she grew up in and had been locked up since ever. So she is not only naive but have lack of social skills

Oh, and not everyone who lack’s social skills will act like Zuko and Azula okay? Korra can be confident, expressive and outgoing and still have problems when it comes to social skills.One thing dont exclude the other.

“I’m the Avatar and you gotta deal with it” did you guys notice that only for that line we can see the entire opposite on how she treat her role as avatar in comparisson with Aang? And im not here to judge because is two very different contexts.

As far as we know, Korra grew up without friends or romantic partners. Of course, she had her training partners but i believe that they are just that. 

So her entarely perception of herself was around her duty as Avatar, she didnt have personal life, she barely was Korra...She was The avatar and thats that.

So she came to Republic City, it was a mess. 

Its funny to see that she have no touch when it comes to simply talk to people, i guess when you grew up away from society, this happens. And yes, she is cocky and had to learn that people arent there to somewhat please her, and she learned that quicky. 

Thats why the Pro Bending was important for her character, not only for training but also as means of socilization.

Now lets talk about the villains: Amon and Tarrlok

The two of them represents two differents threats to Korra. Amon represents a threat to her duty as Avatar while Tarrlok represents a threat to Korra as a person.

In episode 4 we have what i still thinks is the darker episode from TLOK. In this episode Amon ambushes Korra in the final moments... Even knowing that they did their best to make Amon’s power and control be non-sexualized as possible still...He have her down on her knews, totally helpless and he even invades Korra’s personal space by touching in her face forcing her to look at him. He didn't have to sexually touch her to violate her.

And right after, the fear in Tenzin voice when asking what happened after seeing her laying in the ground like that, and how Korra is sobing in his arms teeling him how powerless and helpless she felt. I mean...Oh, and she keeps terryfied by him until he takes her bending.

Tarrlok in the  other hand doesnt do much different from his brother and started to harass Korra because he cant take ‘no’ as a answer when Korra didnt wanted to join his task force.

Whats interesting is that if it wasnt for Tarrlok harassement and maniputation, Korra wouldnt have joined his task force and wouldnt have confronted Amon and wouldn't have gone through that terrible encounter.

The thing is that Korra is caught right in the middle of a politcal power dispute over the city, something that she for sure wasnt prepare for it. And both Amon and Tarrlok woud hurt or kill her without think twice about it if that means gain  power. And that was exacly what happened

Tarrlok tried to manipulate her and keep her on leash where he could, and when his tatics didnt worked anymore he alreay had a plan B. Yes that whole metal box in that cabin in the middle of nowhere was made especifically for her and maybe Tenzin if he also get in his way.

In the end Korra lost the physical battle against both but won the ethical battle also against both. She was the responsable for expose both of them as corrupted and hypocrites. But at what price? Amon was able to remove the bends of the Avatar. And without them, how could she be the Avatar?

Remember that her entirely conception of herself was built around her duty as Avatar, be the avatar. After all, everything she was, everything she'd trained so hard for, had been destroyed in minutes. Thats why i still strongly believe that she was thinking about killing herself at the end, nobodys goes all sad and crying to in front of a clifft without thinking about jumping from it. 

But she, i think given up the idea and just sit and started to crying when Aang appeared and help her, giving her bendings back in one of the best scenes of the show. So after have everything solve and still managed to get the boy she was in love with, things where great and she “move on”

In that first half, Korra is unbearable. Everything she learned in Book 1 how to be more mature, less spoiled and all, was thrown in the trash and she was the same "child" of the book one only worse.

Until I stopped and realized that I was also unbearable and childish like this when I had my bad phases of anxiety and depression, as defense mechanism and keep people away. Returning to Korra, and if this way of acting of her was nothing more than this defense mechanism?

Because guess what, i dont think she “move on” from all that happened in Book One that fast, and for add more drama she discovered that was her father idea of keeping her locked up training in that training center we saw in book one and not traveling like avatars before her. No wonder she felt betrayed. And for adding even more drama, people still keep treating her like child, so she was despered for some validation. Something that she found in her uncles arms but she was betrayed by him after.

In the end, Korra again goes through a traumatic experience when she has her connection with past lives destroyed. We see how it affected her when she apologizes to Tenzin, through tears. And Tenzin, as the excellent master he is, tries to motivate her to face Vaatu again (now merged with Unalaq, her uncle) and again she saves the day even after go throught a traumatic event

In the final moments, we see the innocent decision to reconnect the world of spirits and the world of men. And we also see Korra and Mako permanently end their turbulent relationship.

Book 3 begins in a more mature, we see all the characters being presented in a more mature way and it seems that Korra now has overcome everything that has passed. We have the relationship between Korra and Asami deepening as well

In Book 3, called "Change" we have a great sacrifice from Korra. Her life goes down a notch when she decides to save the new airbenders from Zaheer and the Red Lotus, the only villain until now that really threat her life since their sole goal was to kill the avatar.

Korra won again but this time victory costed way too much. Yes she save the day again but now she was  physically and psychologically defeated. It was too much, she broke.

Book 4 begins and we only saw Korra in the final minutes and she is unrecognizable. We see that, once proud and courageous avatar, in someone depressed and cowerd. We never have saw Korra like that, even when she was afraid of Amon she wasnt like that.

Korra is afraid of being the Avatar again and her fight against PTSD is still one of the most sensitive, responsable and honest representation of Mentall Issues that i saw, and it was before this subject gain more space on media. It was before people started to give attention to this

I also think that she was having flashs from her other fights and not only the one against Zaheer.

Another thing I think is worth mention is that Korra took 3 years to feel safer and re-embrace her duties as Avatar. It was not 3 weeks or 3 months, it was 3 years. And anyone who suffers from some mental illness knows very well the stigma that is, the fight that is, because everyone wants you to be well faster as possible  when the truth is that many times you spend years fighting against this.  And this is a pressure that falls on you.Imagine, seeing all your friends moving forward while you continue "stock in the same place"?

Only after Korra confronts Zaheer, I think that was a way to show her coping with the trauma, she improves to the point of returning to be the great Avatar we know. I personally still struggles with this scene because put the victim in front of her agressor may not be the best idea but i understand that she needed to see that he was just a man and not the invencible monster her mind was telling her

One of the lines that stuck with me the most was in the TLOK version of the ember island players, the one that made a recap of the show before the finale. When Korra said “I was so naive” just before we watch her narration of her journey, we can feel pain, sadness and strenght. Janet was amazing in the way the delivered this line.

And this fucking quote i saw here on tumblr still is the goat: “The Last Airbender is a story of a boy who becomes a god. The Legend of Korra is the story of a goddess who becomes a girl "

And I still get really pissed when someone comes to talk shit about  Korra because she is such an incredible heroine and her journey is also so incredible.

The story of how life can be hard and unfair, how it can hurt and paralyze, but there is always a reason to move on. We should always move on.

Korra is definitely not weak, quite the opposite, she is one of the if not the strongest heroine I have ever seen. Korra inspires overcoming