#technically this is more about being nonbinary than bisexual but those both have a lot in common

[smolbeanie1221]

Being aroace spec can be so confusing

My first relationship was with a girl, and I kinda just went along with what she wanted to do bc I figured, well she’s enjoying it so I must be enjoying this too… I didn’t mind anything we did, I just didn’t care or think about it.

Second relationship was with a guy, and at this point my mom had made me feel incredibly guilty for having been with a girl before, joys of being afab in a religious family and the first person you date is a girl. And he was… definitely pushy. Again tho, I just went along with it bc I figured, well he wants to do this and I just have to be bi so there’s a chance I’ll be a normal girl and end up with a guy someday so I have to be enjoying this too… Yeah I definitely was feeling a lot of pressure there.

At this point, I had not felt actual sexual attraction towards anyone, and I don’t think I was ever romantically in love with either of those people.

Third relationship was with a guy who was also one of my best friends. We were kinda dating for a summer and it was a better relationship than the previous, but in the end we went back to just being friends and it was better that way.

At this point, I’m very confused, but I discover this wonderful thing called ASEXUALITY. And everything suddenly made sense. Except for one small thing.

Fourth relationship that never actually became a relationship. I was in some type of love with a different best friend, I would say demi/sapio-romantic (romantically attracted because of both an emotional and mind connection basically). But he was definitely aromantic, but allosexual. I was romantically attracted to him, but asexual… right??? For years I was confused because I wanted an actual official relationship and I would’ve been more than okay with sleeping with him. But… that can’t be sexual attraction?? I’m ace?? Right?? Ahhhhhh. Yeah so I was very confused around him. Turns out, I’m actually demi-ace, but I didn’t realize that until years later after I lost contact with him, and I’ve been too scared to reach out to him lol. Anyways I have a gf now anyways. And that’s been the only time that the demi part of my ace-ness has come out, pun intended lol.

Actual fourth relationship. Definitely romantic and completely non-sexual. Really good relationship for over a year, and that partner helped me become more comfortable with my gender identity and we both were ace and it was really good for a while. It just wasn’t a relationship that was built to grow, so eventually we drifted apart.

Fifth relationship. A non-romantic and non-sexual relationship. Lasted less than a year, but made me realize that I was also aro spec bc being in a relationship that did not have romantic or sexual expectations felt so comfortable and right.

Sixth relationship. The one that broke my heart. My other best friend in that time frame, we were incredibly close and bonded over everything, from our mental health struggles to books to sheetz runs to everything. Eventually we officially were boyfriends in a qpr. They were my number one person for so long, my life partner. There was never anything romantic or sexual, but we loved each other deeply. Until life happened and they changed and I had to break up with them and got my heart broken.

All of these took place from late middle school to early college by the way. I went from, oh I’m a girl and I like girls! To, shit I can’t like girls so I have to like boys too bc I have to be bisexual at least. To, ohhhh so I can actually not want to sleep with people and that’s normal too?? So I’m nonbinary and asexual? That makes sense. To, why why if I’m ace would I be more than okay sleeping with him??? To, huh i think I’m aro spec too. To, okay I’m definitely aro spec, probably demi-aro technically and… probably demi-ace too? Yeah that’s probably right.

At the same time, I didn’t feel as tho romantic was necessarily the right word for me. I mean I’ve experienced romantic attraction I think, but it usually felt kinda forced by either my partner’s expectations or by society’s expectations. I think that’s why my non-romantic non-sexual relationships felt so comfortable to me, bc there wasn’t any of that expectation. I have no freaking idea what romantic attraction really feels like to me. I’ve experienced it I think (??), but for several reasons including outside expectations and general-emotional-processing-issues at those times, I have a hard time knowing any emotions I was feeling at that time in my life. The “butterflies” and “spacey eyed” and “gooey lovey” feelings I felt could’ve been romantic, sure. But they could’ve also been someone who was heavily emotionally repressed all their life just being happy to have someone that they loved who loved them back and getting excited over how cute they were and enjoying their rambles and just generally being happy with someone and also liking some physical contact like hugs and cuddles bc physical touch is their love language with everyone and they like hugs with everyone they care about, and it wasn’t necessarily romantic…..

I get a similar feeling to “butterflies” when I’m nervous about something or excited to see someone in my family I haven’t seen for a while bc I love them and am excited and happy. Not necessarily a “romantic indicator”. I get “spacey eyed” all the time, and usually it’s bc I’m obsessing over my latest fanfic idea. Again, not a “romantic indicator”. I get “gooey lovey” feelings when I see an adorable animal, when someone in my family or close friend group does something really sweet for me or I’m really happy to see them or I get a hug from anyone I love. Once again, not a “romantic indicator”.

Because of all this, I have settled on alterous as my general term for the type of attraction I have with people I have or wanted to date. Alterous to me means this: “I want to be with you and talk with you and do everything with you, I just don’t care how it looks for us or how we categorize ourselves.” I would also attach romance-inclined or sex-inclined as a prefix type thing when applicable. Fourth relationship that never actually happened? Sex and romance-inclined alterous. Fourth actual relationship? Romance-inclined alterous. This doesn’t actually mean that I will feel romantic or sexual attraction or interest or desire with someone, but I may be inclined to want aspects of that type of relationship and I might have those actual feelings from time to time.

The partner that I have now, seventh relationship for those counting lol. This relationship feels stronger and better than any that I’ve had in the past. There’s no pressure or expectation about sex, and she knows that I’m on the aro spectrum, so there’s no romantic pressure either. At the same time, I love the romantic type aspects we have, but I can’t with any certainty say that my feelings are romantic, or at least not romantic all the time. But I feel about her differently than I have about anyone else. There’s several possible reasons, but one main thing I think is that I’m now in a healthier place emotionally so I can better feel and process all my emotions, including my feelings towards her.

Anyways, at this point I would say I’m aroace spec. Demi-altrose (alterous, romantic, sexual).

[dee-in-the-box]

happy pride month, y'all! have some pride headcanons!!

none of these people are straight and/or cis to me. they've all got some weird queerness going on with them

Jack: transmasc (he/him mostly, but probably wouldn't mind they/them that much), bisexual. could see him being acespec, but sex favorable or indifferent. polyamorous.

Dave: nonbinary in a "i don't understand gender and idgaf about it" way (he/him, but honestly doesn't care. probably would find out about it/its pronouns and love those), pansexual. teach this guy about xenogenders i think he'd love those too. polyamorous (i can see it).

Peter: transfem bigender (he/she), and honestly doesn't know what her sexuality would be considering his weird gender situation (look, he grew up in the 50s-60s. the most exposure to the queer community she had was through Jack, and that wasn't. A Lot). me personally? i'd say lesbian. because Fuck It, Why Not?

Dee: technically cis because she never got to grow up and figure that stuff out (she/her), but i could see her growing up and being on the spectrum of GNC or Genderqueer (the genderqueer part is Definitely not me projecting (< lie)). also aroace (repulsed on both ends)

Henry: cis man (he/him; the first entirely cis person here), bisexual. listen. i heard that thing that was like. DD originally said he was bi but then changed it to straight after getting hate for it for some reason, and i decided to make it a situation where Henry just like. Acknowledged it was a thing for him but didn't really give any fucks because he busy Committing Crimes Against Humanity. everyone thinks he's straight though, 'cause he never mentions it (again, busy with Other Things. such as Causing Problems).

Steven: cis man (he/him), gay. This Is The Shortest Fucking One. also, Steven is the shortest adult of the cast; he's 5'5".

Harry: masc nonbinary dude (he/they), bisexual, polyamorous.

Jake: cis man (he/him), graysexual panromantic, polyamorous.

Roger: probably got some genderfuckery there, but i'll just say A Dude (gender neutral) for now (he/him), gay (as in Likes Men Or Masc-Leaning People), polyamorous. didn't realize the Gay & Poly Part until Dsaf 3. You'll Never Guess How He Found Out!

Rebecca: transfem (she/they/xe), and just queer in general. not exactly poly, but she doesn't mind Harry's...other partners (Jake and Roger). it's sort of a "This is my boyfriend, and this is my boyfriend's boyfriends! ^-^" situation.

and for a few others:

Caroline: cis woman (she/her), cupioromantic (aromantic micro-label; basically means that you don't feel romantic attraction, but still desire a romantic relationship) heterosexual. she still loves Peter, her love just isn't necessarily "romantic." i'd describe it more like queerplatonic. she got married to Peter because she does genuinely care for him and love him, but also because...well, it was what was expected of her. besides, she doesn't mind being married, it's actually pretty nice. Caroline's as close as y'all are going to get to a cishet Dsaf character from these headcanons.

Matt: transmasc agender (he/him), aroace (romance indifferent/favorable (see: "I'm Matt! Everybody loves me!"), sex indifferent/repulsed (do i even need to explain it? i think we know why this was what i picked for him).

now, fun facts!!

Jack actually doesn't experience a lot of dysphoria, just upset that he doesn't have a dick. he doesn't even mind the boobs too much (except that they make people think he's a woman; that part sucks), he'd probably just like a binder. wouldn't mind top surgery, but y'know. Binders Are Easier To Get And Cheaper Than That.

Dee is romance repulsed in terms of herself for the most part (as in the idea of being romantic herself grosses her out). except for Davesport. she told Jack and Dave to "get a room" multiple times in the Flipside.

Blackjack technically has the same labels as Jack, but y'know. Ghost Dog.

Henry doesn't understand why so many queer people work at Fazbender's (Jack, Steven, Peter, etc) because he just. keeps killing them. not due to the queerness but because They Keep Getting In His Way. what is it about the Chuck E Cheese rip-offs that attracts the gays?? Is It The Bears?? Is It The Fucking BEARS??? (i had to make the joke. i had to)

Modern Day Queer Discourse would piss Jack off. he was alive in the 60s and 70s when that shit was getting more mainstream. he's effectively a queer elder, technically (even if he kinda sorta Looks perpetually twenty-two because he kinda can't age anymore). he's seen some shit. i can see him saying on someone's "He/Him Lesbians Aren't A Thing >:(" post "my bigender brother is a lesbian, though. he's got a wife" and then logging off. you can't tell me he wouldn't

I Stand By My Statement: None Of The Kennedy Siblings Have A Normal Relationship With Gender. They Just Don't.

Jack just uses a lot of slurs for himself. he's got. So Fucking Many that he can reclaim (because y'know. Gay/Bi and Trans. and he was alive during the 60s and 70s. so you can only imagine the shit he's heard or had thrown at him).

the first time in his life that Dave ever had to worry about gender stuff was when Henry was having to like. fill out paperwork and things like that to get him an ID of some kind. when they got to gender, Dave didn't really know why that was important, nor what would really fit. they just put "male" on there because technically that would "fit him best" (since he, y'know. has a dick), but Dave didn't feel like either option fit.

i feel like Jack went to a pride event/parade sometime before Dsaf 3. like, maybe he finally felt comfortable actually going there and being out safely for the first time in his life. it was nice.

Caroline helped Peter with her makeup after she came out, and with growing his hair out.

after coming home post-Dsaf 2, Peter actually tried some dresses out. they also found out a way to still put eyeliner on him. and that was using a Sharpie to draw under her phone dial to look like eyeliner. hey, it works.

Peter never got comfortable enough to wear lipstick before he died, though :( so she never got to experience that

Jack: "If I had a nickel for every time I was someone's gay awakening, I'd have three nickels. Which isn't a lot, but how does this keep happening-" (the three people in question are Dave, Jake, and Roger)

i have so many more istg, but this post is getting long. might talk about some more if anyone's interested, though!