#smol bean rambles

[smolbeanie1221]

This really kinda sums up how I felt when I figured out I’m aroace. Accepting that it was okay for me to be attracted to anyone, that took a while. And it was freeing to accept that about myself. And then realizing that just because I could be attracted to anyone and I was still a good person, I don’t actually have to be attracted to anyone. And I’m still a good person. And there’s a freedom in realizing both those things, of letting go of the heteronormative pressure of society, then letting go of the allonormative pressure of society. Realizing both those things about myself, I felt incredibly free. I can be attracted to anyone, but I don’t have to be attracted to anyone.

And now I’m in a relationship with someone I love and adore so much. Do I think she’s absolutely beautiful and attractive and wonderful and perfect and amazing and on and on? Absolutely. Am I attracted to her in any traditional ways, any allo ways, any easy-to-describe ways? Nope. But I’m very much in love with her. And realizing my freedom, not only in who I can love but how I can love? That’s something very important to me.

[smolbeanie1221]

Being aroace spec can be so confusing

My first relationship was with a girl, and I kinda just went along with what she wanted to do bc I figured, well she’s enjoying it so I must be enjoying this too… I didn’t mind anything we did, I just didn’t care or think about it.

Second relationship was with a guy, and at this point my mom had made me feel incredibly guilty for having been with a girl before, joys of being afab in a religious family and the first person you date is a girl. And he was… definitely pushy. Again tho, I just went along with it bc I figured, well he wants to do this and I just have to be bi so there’s a chance I’ll be a normal girl and end up with a guy someday so I have to be enjoying this too… Yeah I definitely was feeling a lot of pressure there.

At this point, I had not felt actual sexual attraction towards anyone, and I don’t think I was ever romantically in love with either of those people.

Third relationship was with a guy who was also one of my best friends. We were kinda dating for a summer and it was a better relationship than the previous, but in the end we went back to just being friends and it was better that way.

At this point, I’m very confused, but I discover this wonderful thing called ASEXUALITY. And everything suddenly made sense. Except for one small thing.

Fourth relationship that never actually became a relationship. I was in some type of love with a different best friend, I would say demi/sapio-romantic (romantically attracted because of both an emotional and mind connection basically). But he was definitely aromantic, but allosexual. I was romantically attracted to him, but asexual… right??? For years I was confused because I wanted an actual official relationship and I would’ve been more than okay with sleeping with him. But… that can’t be sexual attraction?? I’m ace?? Right?? Ahhhhhh. Yeah so I was very confused around him. Turns out, I’m actually demi-ace, but I didn’t realize that until years later after I lost contact with him, and I’ve been too scared to reach out to him lol. Anyways I have a gf now anyways. And that’s been the only time that the demi part of my ace-ness has come out, pun intended lol.

Actual fourth relationship. Definitely romantic and completely non-sexual. Really good relationship for over a year, and that partner helped me become more comfortable with my gender identity and we both were ace and it was really good for a while. It just wasn’t a relationship that was built to grow, so eventually we drifted apart.

Fifth relationship. A non-romantic and non-sexual relationship. Lasted less than a year, but made me realize that I was also aro spec bc being in a relationship that did not have romantic or sexual expectations felt so comfortable and right.

Sixth relationship. The one that broke my heart. My other best friend in that time frame, we were incredibly close and bonded over everything, from our mental health struggles to books to sheetz runs to everything. Eventually we officially were boyfriends in a qpr. They were my number one person for so long, my life partner. There was never anything romantic or sexual, but we loved each other deeply. Until life happened and they changed and I had to break up with them and got my heart broken.

All of these took place from late middle school to early college by the way. I went from, oh I’m a girl and I like girls! To, shit I can’t like girls so I have to like boys too bc I have to be bisexual at least. To, ohhhh so I can actually not want to sleep with people and that’s normal too?? So I’m nonbinary and asexual? That makes sense. To, why why if I’m ace would I be more than okay sleeping with him??? To, huh i think I’m aro spec too. To, okay I’m definitely aro spec, probably demi-aro technically and… probably demi-ace too? Yeah that’s probably right.

At the same time, I didn’t feel as tho romantic was necessarily the right word for me. I mean I’ve experienced romantic attraction I think, but it usually felt kinda forced by either my partner’s expectations or by society’s expectations. I think that’s why my non-romantic non-sexual relationships felt so comfortable to me, bc there wasn’t any of that expectation. I have no freaking idea what romantic attraction really feels like to me. I’ve experienced it I think (??), but for several reasons including outside expectations and general-emotional-processing-issues at those times, I have a hard time knowing any emotions I was feeling at that time in my life. The “butterflies” and “spacey eyed” and “gooey lovey” feelings I felt could’ve been romantic, sure. But they could’ve also been someone who was heavily emotionally repressed all their life just being happy to have someone that they loved who loved them back and getting excited over how cute they were and enjoying their rambles and just generally being happy with someone and also liking some physical contact like hugs and cuddles bc physical touch is their love language with everyone and they like hugs with everyone they care about, and it wasn’t necessarily romantic…..

I get a similar feeling to “butterflies” when I’m nervous about something or excited to see someone in my family I haven’t seen for a while bc I love them and am excited and happy. Not necessarily a “romantic indicator”. I get “spacey eyed” all the time, and usually it’s bc I’m obsessing over my latest fanfic idea. Again, not a “romantic indicator”. I get “gooey lovey” feelings when I see an adorable animal, when someone in my family or close friend group does something really sweet for me or I’m really happy to see them or I get a hug from anyone I love. Once again, not a “romantic indicator”.

Because of all this, I have settled on alterous as my general term for the type of attraction I have with people I have or wanted to date. Alterous to me means this: “I want to be with you and talk with you and do everything with you, I just don’t care how it looks for us or how we categorize ourselves.” I would also attach romance-inclined or sex-inclined as a prefix type thing when applicable. Fourth relationship that never actually happened? Sex and romance-inclined alterous. Fourth actual relationship? Romance-inclined alterous. This doesn’t actually mean that I will feel romantic or sexual attraction or interest or desire with someone, but I may be inclined to want aspects of that type of relationship and I might have those actual feelings from time to time.

The partner that I have now, seventh relationship for those counting lol. This relationship feels stronger and better than any that I’ve had in the past. There’s no pressure or expectation about sex, and she knows that I’m on the aro spectrum, so there’s no romantic pressure either. At the same time, I love the romantic type aspects we have, but I can’t with any certainty say that my feelings are romantic, or at least not romantic all the time. But I feel about her differently than I have about anyone else. There’s several possible reasons, but one main thing I think is that I’m now in a healthier place emotionally so I can better feel and process all my emotions, including my feelings towards her.

Anyways, at this point I would say I’m aroace spec. Demi-altrose (alterous, romantic, sexual).

[smolbeanie1221]

Here, take some garlic bread

🧄🍞🧄🍞🧄🍞🧄🍞🧄🍞🧄🍞🧄🍞

Mine, mine, allllllll mine!!!!

But I will happily share with my fellow aspec people :)))

[quietlyblooms]

i'm holding my head in my hands and realizing i've doomed chiyo to my own fate... she's only 5'1''... practically everyone is taller than her... including younger folks

[smolbeanie1221]

Escaping the box I was trapped in.

explain your gender in 10 words or less without using boring words like “male”, “female”, “nonbinary”, “masculine”, “feminine” or “androgynous”.

go!

[askamnesiamoonjumper]

me after editing the aau prologue for the bajillionth time

[localdisasster]

i found my paci and fell asleep with it last night for the first time in forever and i fell asleep so easily 🥺🥰

in all the stress i’ve been feeling these last couple years i’ve properly neglected my little side and i only just realised it and im gonna try my hardest not to neglect it anymore

[smolbeanie1221]

Reclaiming this for aspec people who hate/dislike/don’t understand/don’t care for/etc romance things

I am smitten, struck with devastating affection, for so many things and people. Not romantically!!!

I really like the word “smitten”. because at first glance you just think of sappy lovey-dovey stuff but also you have to remember this is a word that’s born of the word “smite.” a devastating word. a word that, summarized, means stricken. smitten means stricken as well — struck with devastating affection.

[authoravalonroselin]

My best attempt to explain my gender is like--

How Others Perceive Me*: Ms. Female Girl Woman (TM)

How I Perceive Myself: A mini goblin. A small trash panda. Little gremlin that lives in Hoodietown. Hunched over and playing Pokemon since birth. This creacher is not complex enough to have a Gender.

How I Wish To Be Perceived: Androgynous long-haired Fire Emblem character and/or vampire that makes you question your sexuality (regardless of what your sexuality is)

Hell let me just be completely honest, Alexander Stirling from the fucking Vampire Kisses manga has had all of my gender envy since I was 13 and then Byleth came around to destroy, me entirely**.

My gender, apparently:

*"Others" here meaning "strangers at first glance" and "coworkers," not people who have known me for years and actually make the effort to de-feminize me in their minds because they know I'm not comfortable with being "a girl".

**The fact that these two characters are both boys does not make me a transman. I do resent that every stranger I meet immediately clocks me as AFAB but I don't want to transition to being male and would be equally uncomfortable being clocked as AMAB by all randos in the supermarket.

[cowchickenbeefpork]

i hate knowing for certain that if i wasn't real and was a fictional character i would be woobifed. god are you there if you are why did you do this to me

[anthro-cat]

I'M SO SMALL THIS IS AWESOME

THIS THING IS EVERYTHING I'VE WANTED

[smolbeanie1221]

The years I spent trying to recover after my mental health crashed were hard, especially since college became something that triggered my anxiety and mental unhealth. College was something that growing up I knew I would do, and then after college started, covid happened and everything shut down and I shut down. Now college is just a maybe-someday in my future. But it’s okay. I have a job that I enjoy, I have friends, and now I have a girlfriend. I never would’ve met my girlfriend if my mental health hadn’t crashed, if I didn’t drop out of college. Things worked out the way they needed to, even if it sucked to go thru at the time.

No, you aren't "behind in life".

But, it's okay to grieve the time you spent surviving. The time spent trying to figure out what was wrong. The time spent healing to become a person again.

It wasn't your fault.

[philsmeatylegss]

He’s so real for this

[recycledcactus]

my friends and I are discussing the overlap between babygirl and smol bean. We’ve got it down to omega vs alpha

[bluisbeingstupid]

me when i get infantilized a lot and get called "aww the smol childd" because of my short height: hey umm could you maybe fuck off

[grilledcheeseandguavajelly]

Someone help— I made a twitter (x??) account and I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing