#technically i was on the internet at that time but i didnt interact with fandom . i only used the internet for poptropica at that age

[playingonedchess]

lucky this blog only goes back to when id already finished school or id have to go and delete everything

[bowtiestash]

every time i see warrior cats fanart i think about how that could have been me

[wouldgaysexfixthem]

i don’t post ALL requests

only a fraction get posted

but i do what i can. here are some general guidelines to increase ur likelihood of getting ur pairing posted

latest updates in orange

REQUEST GUIDELINES

please don’t flood me with like 10 requests in a row, my inbox fills rly fast so u should b nice and let other ppl have a chance if u submitted a few already

ur pairing has to have interacted enough that there are actual photos of them together on the internet. this is a low bar but i physically cant do the poll if there’s no photos

while it’s a fun idea, i can’t do individual character requests bc my inbox will literally explode and die. so pairings of 2 or more only

i probably won’t do real life people UNLESS they are dead or they have joked about the gay rumours (ie maffleck) OR if i think its really funny and i want to make an exception (i am in charge)

no animated pairings under 18, no live action pairings with actors under 18

a few of you have submitted m/f pairings, and while i do respect ur grind, i probably won’t post those unless, again, i think it’s funny and i want to

i am a full time working adult and so i can’t heavily research the dynamic of every single request, so if you really do think i’ve posted a very troubling pairing then message me. but the point of the blog is toxic/troubled pairings, so these characters usually do bad things. and i am a horror fan so u rly gotta convince me

no book pairings (but if someone wants to make a version of this blog for book pairings u have my blessing. not that u need my blessing u can literally do whatever u want)

IF I DIDNT POST YOUR REQUEST IT COULD BE BECAUSE

ur pairing does not adhere to those guidelines ^

ur pairing honestly did not need fixing (i know this is ambiguous but try to understand the niche of the blog ok pookie)

ur pairing was from a fandom with a LOT of requests, so i’m spreading them out (yj, dr who, btvs, iwtv, star trek polls)

u submitted your pairing when i wasn’t taking requests

u weren’t specific enough and i had no idea what u were talking about

there are literally no photos of ur pairing on the internet (fan art doesn’t count)

your pairing was so deeply concerning to me that i couldnt bring myself to post it (rare)

twas a bit too niche and i have a family to feed with tumblr notes

it got lost, idk

this is my blog and i do what i want

if you really think a pairing deserves to be on this blog and it only doesnt follow the guidelines on a technicality (like alien ages being different from human ages), then u can submit the pairing but u must plead your case.

ok bye love u

[monggay]

holy fucking shit you guys. um. i came across. a treasure trove. of um, my past self. came across an old group chat w some friends back when i was like, 12-13, and. holy shit.

good news: apparently i did use to be somewhat talkative and not quite as anxious to talk and interact ! i used to be able to carry conversations! not well or inawkwardly but very much plenty! i used to be able to talk and joke around without taking a million psychic damage just trying to send a message and even just saying whats on my mind carefree without being anxious that itll be weird or that they didnt want me to say that or that i didnt have to scramble for words or be unable to come up with quips or anything to reply other than just 'lol' or 'lmao'!! i feel like these days i only know how to talk and word things in a given or meme way aka all my vocabulary is just. tumblr memes.

bad news: holy fucking shit i was so cringe. like. on another level. on levels unimaginable. i was straight up just. weird. you know, horny preteen discovering sex jokes and crude language and sex humor for the first time? straight up had no filter, loved to ramble, except also had zero social sense still and rambled to a weird and overly and uncomfortable degree where it was just awkward and often said things that just. made the conversation weird? i embraced that weirdness and like, good on me i guess, but i think i just usually ended up saying things? blurting anything on my mind, that well. technically arent bad? or seriously fucked up or anything but just like. will probably haunt me for the rest of my life if i look at it now.

also like. i dont remember any of it ??????? i vaguely remember a Few conversations, but a lot of it? just straight up. unfamiliar to me who the fuck is that i dont remember saying any of that shit that past me is so fundamentally different and alien to me i literally dont recognize or remember anything i did then anymore

apparently i was just a giant nerd who read way too much smut and was just a little too unashamed and had very little sense of appropriateness which yeah i get given my age then its that. age of you know. just got exposed to people being vulgar, recently transitioned to high school from elementary, which is probably like. a way more. fucked up thing that people realize sometimes. cause in elementary i always thought i was still like you know. a little kid. but going into high school (which is younger than in US hs, at 12 y/o) youre suddenly treated or like, expected? to be older? more knowleadgeable? you know that thing about how kids these days are all trying to be adults now and how theres really no more media like the disney teenage live shows that separate little girl to grown lady? i think that jut like, hit me a lot in 7-8th grade + the introduction of nsfw shit and fandom and the internet (cause like. i did not have internet in elementary school, At All. and then suddenly in high school i was supposed to have a messenger account for school, i had a phone, i could use the laptop, i think i had a weird relationship w the internet then, cause at that point all my friends were already exploring facebook and posting etc, but i was so anxious and shy about that already that i just never started (which like, continues to today, i still dont use fb at all, cuase it feels so weird and awkward to start now when i was so adamant against not using it in the past) aaaand ive lost my train of thought and the point of this sentence

[spectral-honey]

tbh it depends a bit on what kind of thing you want from batman i think? bc batman media varies wildly in characterization and themes so all the batman related media will vary wildly in genre, also if you mean the batman fandom as in bruce wayne-centric, batman & Gotham vigilantes and/or batfam centric, batman rogues-centric, or batman-working-with-other superheros centric that can change where you might want to start as well. hopefully thats not overwhelming, i just think seeing what youre most interested in can help narrow down which media is best to start with. i’ll recommend the stuff ive seen/read tho to give ideas and because my taste is superior (lie)

i unfortunately haven't read many comics because it turns out i actually don't enjoy the way DC does comics most of the time, so the only one i can recommend since i HAVE actually read it is the Red Robin run, which is Tim Drake centric. again i dont prefer DC comics so i have kind of mid feelings about it, but if you want to interact with the batfam fandom i think its where a lot of the fandom draws from for Tim Drake and his relationship to the other bats.

(honestly i consume DC comics mostly through the form of other people posting specific good comic panels to the internet or posts reviewing comics. sometimes also just literally reading character or comic wiki pages. the panda redd on tiktok & youtube does funny skits based on real events/characters from the comics and he actually likes the comics so its way more fun to watch his content where hes actually enthusiastic about it for me)

i also did see someone already recommended the wayne family adventures webcomic which i have read and it is a very fun, if fairly simplistic comic. its vibe is very slice of life and good batfam feels which is a criminally neglected part of batman content so its understandably popular

for movies the robert pattinson batman was genuinely really really good, i think its very good batman characterization and the riddler in the movie is a cool, more deadly spin on him than other iterations. the christian bale movies are also not bad, but they are definitely action movie first batman characterization second. the villains in those movies are also pretty cool but i do think ras al ghul’s characterization sucks as does batman’s. bane, joker, two face and scarecrow are pretty interesting though.

as for other media i REALLY like the batman unburied podcast, which has a really good morally-gray riddler and also has some focus on barbara gordon in addition to a really well characterized batman. posion ivy also appears in it and i really like her backstory in this, and hugo strange gets a fun little moment too. also the casting list for this kind of makes me go insane, they have winston duke (who plated m’baku in black panther) voicing batman and emmy raver-lampman (who played allison in umbrella academy) as poison ivy and just. chefs kiss j’adore imagining their actors in these roles. anyway highly recommend this one possibly-probably my fav batman media

also ive been watching the OG teen titans and it is fun and good for getting a feel for dick grayson’s robin outside of batmans direct influence, and since it isnt centered around him specifically you also get some of the other titans general story too. the under the red hood animated movie is good and gets you a major part of jason todd’s story as its about his turning point into the red hood.

the TV show gotham is VERY much trashy drama TV but if youre into that and want batman-related content it can be fun. i never watched past the second season since it wasnt out when i was into it, but i kind of still love the penguin from that show he was really great. it also features young bruce and catwoman and joker-but-they-didnt-have-the-rights-to-him-so-hes-technically-not-but-also-a-lot-of-people-still-really-like-him-as-an-iteration-of-the-joker. also, young jim gordan failing miserably at fighting corruption just like in general

as for media about batman rogues ive seen joaquin pheonix’s joker, its a good movie and well acted but i think it isnt great for understanding kind of any other joker iteration since it diverts a lot from who he is in like any other batman media. not to discourage watching it if you want to, just it isnt really close to the usual interpretations of joker. the killing joke animated movie also exists and from what i know is one of the more well known joker backstories and some of the info in it can be significant when connected to other characters (like, jason choosing the name red hood because it was technically the first moniker the joker went by? idk just interesting stuff).

harley quinn birds of prey is also a good movie and definitely follows the vibes of where harley quinn characterization has been for a while and also introduces you to a few other gotham vigilantes in the meantime. the harley quinn cartoon is good and pretty funny but also its definitely of the “adult cartoons that use edginess as comedy” so if youre not into other adult cartoons its probably not gonna be as fun. the suicide squad (the SECOND not the first i havent seen the first) is kind of the technical predecessor to birds of prey though not necessary to watch, if you like kind of gory action movies it is also fun but not necessarily harley quinn centric.

also bc its DC some of these are really dark or have just kind of general tw/cw id give about them so like if you have a particular sensitivity to something or just want to know generally what to expect feel free to send an ask or something i can tell you what i at least noticed or have been told about these

,,, sorry this is long but i started typing to just leave a comment under the post and by the time it got too long for a comment it was too late to turn back

I'm probably gonna regret this but how do I get into the batman fandom??? like what comics/movies are good to start with???

[aro-aizawa]

suprisingly not that many people ship them, but the thing is. the "&" is literally in the top 3 relationships!! i have not been in a fandom where a "&" is one of the most popular rships. (im not exactly.. against them? i prefer brotp in general but there are a lot of uh racist antis against that romantic ship so i like it on principle for the ~spite~)

i think theres a difference between a ship fic and a ..normal fic(?). like. usually in ship fics the plot and the focus would be their interactions/getting together. whereas for regular fics u can kinda balance plot and rship, but the main plot isnt actually getting together. do u kinda get what i mean haha

no no feel free to rant! its kinda funny that they taught u to swear in yr6 but rip for not being able to censor urself. and also. broke up. over facebook??? better or worse than text lmao.

the only rship ive had started off... not great. like it was an online friend from south america, and they asked me out literally the day i rejected my friend. so... i said yes out of guilt for rejecting my friend bc it didnt look like my friend was taking the rejection well ^^; not a wonderful start rip. went well for 6-8 months then we broke up bc the honeymoon period wore off and i havent talked to them since! ✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻 it was fun tho, but it felt honestly just more online friends tbh (....interesting decisions all around yknow? )

it be how it be. i was still id'ing as panromantic ace at the time. but still. im wondering if i could eventually "work" with someone? or is that just. allonormative asgsggshshd

i see enemies to lovers but what i Rlly want is enemies to friends to lovers. the friends is necessary!! at least in a long fic haha. ...and love at first sight sounds really fake to me? it sounds just like a hyperbole tbh. like maybe it was first wow u seem like a great person and then u like, get to know each other and then fall in love, etc etc

(👀 oop i type a lot. Rip)

oh yiiiikes i hate when fandom gets those racist fans. i’m kind of,,, dense?? about that kind of thing (abt a lot of similar things too), so whenever i see it, it’s like. mega bad. but nice! i don’t ever pay attention to what’s the most popular in terms of ao3 because when i get into a fandom i’ll blacklist every thing i’m not comfortable seeing in said fandom and then save that for when i’m gonna check out said fandom. for example [here is my atla filters], [here is my mha filters] and [here is my ml filters]. (i also use an extention called ao3rdr which has a blacklist function and my blacklist is SO LONG. but it’s an essential so that i don’t feel like my brain is going to rot by trying to find good fics.)

ye!!! i always think abt it in terms similar to genres. i hate watching films and regular books because genres are so....stilted? and ridgid in what it involves? so in fandom terms i think there’s two main kind of genre categories that have sub categories. there’s ship fic, then there’s genfic. no clue if these are wide spread terms i’ve just kind of understood it that way lol. but within those two categories, there’s sub genres like canon divergence that focus on said ship but with a focus on the plot as well so there’s two plots going on rather than just the main plot. usually there’s always equals in both sides. i think that’s what you’re thinking of. the difference is how the authors approach their fics, whether they think it’s a ship fic explorating the how do they get together of relationships or if it’s the genfic of exploring the relationship itself.

lmao yeah it was like. the only way we’d communicate in non-irl fashion because we were both like. 12/13 so we’d have like. pay as you go plans for our phones so i at least, hoarded my credit and primarily used alternate communication methods. so idk if this is wide spread but at the time we never got into the habit of communicating via text. it’s why still to this day i never ever contact my irl friends via texts, and always through social media (the only time i ever use facebook nowadays is to message my friends tho i’ve been,,,, rather lax abt that. i need to respond to one of my group chats but i’m,,, procrastinating). and we were both awkward people, so i wasn’t bothered by the online breakup, if he didn’t break up w me that way i’d have guessed we just,,, wouldn’t address the relationship ever again and still technically be together but not at the same time lol

oh man that sounds rough. never had any experiences w online relationships, but i can definitely see where it could feel like an online friendship. because,,, idk maybe it’s just me but there doesn’t??? seem like there’s much?? romantic-esque stuff you can do exclusively online?? it’s why long distance relationships are hard, and they only fit certain couples. and lol i deffo understand that feel of internet friends dropping out of your life suddenly. i still think of nearly all my internet friends fondly...except for the bad ones. yeah some of those ones ten years ago were p bad.

it is!! i think that people always shorten it to just enemies to lovers though because it’s easier to say lol. i’m MUCH more interested in the genfic varient of enemies to found family because it goes from “god i want to kill you so bad” to “god i need to kill for you like rn”. it’s just,,, *chef’s kiss*

(dw i type a LOT too lmaooo and sorry it took so long for me to reply, i didn’t feel like talking to anyone for a few days ahah i just get those kinds of moods sometimes. as evidenced by my also ignoring of my friend group chat of over seven years, that i’ve been meaning to reply to for over 24 hours and i haven’t yet. yay.)

[flandesuka]

Yo you should answer all of these scene questions👀👀

:OOO

you think so lad???? shit dawg i was thinkin just a few at a time but if that what u want my dear nonnie i will supply

1. wats ur scene name?

i was thinkin maybe ‘gods mistake’ would be a good one but then. i found a way to make it both danganronpa related, and, even better, a fucking pun as well. ‘kamukura kamukura jasqueen’, or just ‘kamukura jasqueen’ for short is good k thxxx

2. describe ur dream outfit!

oooo gosh this ones trickyy!! there are so many good outfits out there, especially in the scene community!! but it’d have to have a few tiny elements of dr cosplay to add a lil of my dangan-weeb culture in there ofc! more specifically, id really love to get one of kazuichis jumpsuit and just wig out and add shit like this just because i could:

(id just rlly love going out in all those glowy/shiny things at night like all that haha..and yes the shoes would probably kill me/my fuckin feet if i tried to walk in them but shut up i love them theyre cute as fuck)

3. describe ur dream haircut!

oo another tricky one!! i do like my regular hair, and honestly id be lying if i said i didnt love ibuki’s hairdo too but id defs have to go with something like this!!

yaaaassss, so pretty and spikeeeey! maybe id dye my natural hair colour black and/or add some funky colours if i ever actually got this style down!

4. describe ur dream room!

i have a lot of ideas for dream bedrooms actually, but heres a visual image of one of them i found!!!

MIKU ROOM MIKU ROOM MIKU ROOM MIKU ROOM

(this specific idea arose mainly just for the aesthetic but i also find it super cute and a good environment to be in general hhhnnggg)

5. if u could make anything out of kandi, wat would u make?

oh you mean those colourful beads and bracelet things??? i love those man!!! theyre so visually appealing to me aaaaa…id probably just make a fuck-ton of those and most probably use the little letter beads to say random words/phrases like ‘aubergine’ and ‘despacito’ knowing my shitposter self lmaooo! id definitely make a sansmaeda themed one too thoo fr

6. wat would u write on ur shoez?

it’d probably range from things like a simple kaomoji doodle to something randum and stupid like ‘seesaw’ bc yes asjnd

7. wat kinda piercingz/tattooz do u hav/want?

i dont think i rlly want any real piercings (at least not atm) but id totally go for those fake stick-on gemstone lookin’ ones! and as for tattoos, i cant rlly see myself gettin one of those rn either, but id want something like a mario power-up, preferably the bell one/cat suit powerup!!! its my favorite powerup and its sooo cute!!!

8. fave genrez?

i dont rlly have a specific genre, i like most kinds of music, but i rlly like energetic music that i can dance tooo!!! >w

9. fave bandz?

im a big fan of gorillaz and botdf!!! i like p!atd as well but havent listened to it in a while.. gatta catch up loool

10. fave songz?

my favs alternate a lot, but atm im super into ‘slow dancing in the dark’ by joji!!! so much emotiooon quq…also rlly hooked on botdf and jefree star’s ‘sexting’ tooo lmaooo

11. fave lyricz?

‘The world keeps spinning Among this sinning Oh what a cruel and disgusting place The purest moonlight Is bloodied by plight And screaming resonants But somehow I know That it’s all for show The world will reveal it’s true beauty soon And we’ll all reach towards the moon ‘

its so deep but its from a fucking kaito momota fansong and i love that asnkjdnefe

12. hav u evr been to a concert?

not in a damn long while my lad,, rip australians not havin many artists they like from other countries tour there ;-;

13. do u wanna be in a band?

ive always thought thatd be pretty cool ngl!!! tourin around with ur bandmate friends, makin awesome fuckin tunes, people lovin u and ur music, just livin the dream in general,, nice

14. wats da best soda/energy drink flavour?

havent rlly had any as of rn  my lad so i wouldnt know :/

15. wat do u miss most abt old internet?

i loved that we could all just be ourselves and act like the kids we are inside without bein reprimanded at all.. it aint rlly that much of an issue for me but i still think itd be a lot nicer if it was like that again sometimes,,

16. wats da best old meme?

ooohhh there are so many i still miss man! numa numa ermagerd and doge still remind me of the glory days…when old animeme was good and you could still haz ur cheezburgers in peace. also rage comics! rage comics were good what happened

17. best place 2 buy clothez?

i dont think theres any hot topics in australia but if there is. i will hunt it down you hear me

18. wat r ur fave accessoriez?

OH THERES SO MANY GOOD ONES??? as i stated b4 i rly love kandi bracelets and other glowy/led things!!! also rlly love ties with cute and fun patterns and long colourful and/or ripped socks like ibuki’s too hehe

19. wats ur best tip fr ppl that just got into scenecore?

im not rlly the best at advice, but my main point would be-just hav fun here dudes!!! dont let anyone else bulli u abt it, we’re supportive people, u can talk to me or anyone else whos willin to listen an/or help for reassurance ofc

20. opinion on furbiez?

oOH MY GOD YES. FURBIES. MY BABIES I WANT 10 OF THESE CHILDREN…I ACTUALLY HAVE A FURBY HE LIKES SLEEPING IN HIS SPECIAL DRAWER AND HIS NAME IS TINGLE I ADORE HIM I’LL POST A OF PICTURE LATER MAYBE

21. opinion on funko popz?

i like em and ive seen lots at eb games, but i dont buy em much..i do have a megaman pop with a broken arm tho loool

22. wats ur fave pattern? (zebra/leopard print etc)

i looove a lot of patterns but not gonna lie im always a sucker for rainbow checkerboard patterns yknow hehe!

23. fave color combo?

i dont have one rlly…soooo many possible comboooos…cx

24. sumthing u liked as a kid dat u still like?

im still going on girlsgogames and recently, ive finally mastered sues beauty machine!!!! its so good and fun all of ya’ll should try it my dudeeees

25. wats ur most used emoticon? 0w0

as most of ya’ll probs alredy know i spam ‘:O’ a lot, but one of my bigger favs is actually ‘x3′ and my fav kaomoji is ‘ଘ(੭ˊ꒳​ˋ)੭✧’ (both of them are so kyooot >w

26. wats ur fav typin quirk?

i luv talkin like dis, but i dont rly do it that often loool…i awso wuv tawking in ‘owo’ speak wike dis >//w//>

27. do u wish ur fllwrz talked 2 u moar?

hellz yeaaa!!! i luv followr interaction my dudee! it makes me super happi when u all talk to me heehee! x3c

28. tag ur fave scene blawgz!

:O !!! oh gawd!!! i dont know many atm but heeereee!

@xxadam-antidotexx (op of the ask meme)

@glitchkichi (not sure if this counts but their stuff’s rlly cool >v

@otonashi-banana (scene boyf…wuv im more than anythin >///w///>

29. wat got u into scenecore?

i dont remember exactly how it happened but i’d always sorta wanted to go back to the glory days that was the old web and the scene era, and that, coupled with a bright, colourful aesthetic that i could really enjoy, drew me in like a moth to a neon colored flame ig looollll

30. how long hav u been scene?

i’ve only been officially apart of the community for about a few months now (at time of writing) i reckon so some things are still a lil new to me ig ^^;;

31. wats da best thing abt being scene?

the freedom of bein able to express myself 4 one thing, and its just so fun being so ‘out-there’ yknow???? it feels so great really

32. do u hav a fursona?

i…actually used to but ive moved on from the furry fandom and ive grown more attached to my human sona anyway sooo :/

33. r u in sum “cringy” fandomz?

YEA man!! i dont rlly think dr is inherently considered ‘cringey’ but undertale is and im in that one for sure!!! i also kinda technically never left the skylanders fandom(?) so theres that too ig??? oh yeah and who wants to let me draw my old moshi monsters characters COWARDS

34. do u liek plushiez?

YASSSS QUEEEN!!!! i have HEAPS of them in my room on my desk with my gonta shrine

35. do u liek stickerz?

also a big yaaassss from me dawggg!!! i love them and i love those ones that you stick on your fase like this!

its so cuuute!!!

36. do u hav a friendproject?

i dont, not at the moment a least, actually! didnt even know what it was til recently but it looks kewl haha

37. do u hav any other scene account?

well, i haz this one, and i also have an emowire account for shuichi if that counts!!

38. do u make art? (drawingz, blingeez, etc.)

YES!!! i love to draw and i also make blingee edits sometimes!!! ITS SO FUN XD !!!

39. wats da most scene thing? (anything!)

hmmm, weeell…i think the most stereotyped thing would be that kewl, suuuper big hair like this;

its really prettyyyy, and i love all that colouuur!!!

40. ask ur own randum question!!

hm, oh wowie, since the anon didnt specifically ask this one…POTATOES!!! X3

phew, finally done, that was a lot of typing! this was so fun to do though, so thank u nonnie!!! :3

[ardate]

(I hope this is okay to rb, lmk if you prefer me to delete this <3)

A bit sleep deprived so bear with me, I hope this will make sense. I just caught up and wanted to say.. I understand the disconnection that you're experiencing.

I find that a lot of my past creative joys relied on active fandoms and good interactions with people, but it feels like a lot of those parts of the 'old' internet have vanished- replacing active interactions with passive consumption, and so you end up screaming into the void a lot hoping some people might answer. It is even more so the case when life gets in the way and you can't/don't feel like being super active online anymore. And it def isn’t helped when what made you vibrate is technically still here but in a different way than before. Things and people move on. You feel a little stranded. And life is a big part of it too- I've been here long enough to see you get buried under work from studies to job hunting and fuck if this doesn't resonate with me just as loud. All of this to start off saying: I understand, you're not alone.

Now for perhaps a little hope in your dismay: nothing is ever set in stone, good or bad. I once had an art block that lasted nearly two years, the kind where you can't do even the smallest thing, and I thought art had just left me and wouldn't come back. But I wanted it to, and thus one day, it did. If you want it, your passion will find its way back to you in time- and if you find your happiness elsewhere and genuinely don't need to draw anymore - your rr boys or otherwise - then it isnt a loss either. It can be hard esp as artists because we tend to tie our identities to what we do ("people know me as the artistic one" that kind of thing) but what matters is what you find your life fulfilled with. It can also be exciting to find new joys. And funnily enough it can also bring us right back to art as a result. Life is funny like that.

I get that weird mix of guilt and shame that comes with keeping the same specific interest for a long time, not moving on and ending up feeling like you're 'stuck in your ways'. Fandom moves on faster than ever before which only exacerbates this feeling, but as you justly say it isn’t a fair way to think; there is no expiration date to those things and no cops to stop you from getting your serotonin from whatever brings it. Though I guess that doesn't offer relief from that specific grief of finding that an old interest doesn't bring the same joy it used to. That's the sort of thing that can be helped with like-minded people to get the interest back on track but it isnt always easy to find.

I miss tumblr as its busy, buzzing world full of hyperactive creatives. The website is still alive but the culture has changed. It's still not something I'm over. But thankfully, nowadays most of my need for this has been fulfilled with discord. I realize it's not always easy especially for introverts, but servers with good people can do a lot with rekindling passion- be it for art or old interests or long lasting ones. Man, my rayman interest would have stifled years ago if I didnt have my funny little corner with good trusted friends. I hope you find people to bring back some of that fire if you miss it. Just gotta take the risk to reach out to new folks and see where it goes, maybe.

I guess this is saying a lot and not much at the same time. I suppose ultimately, I'm simply holding your hand in sympathy. Your struggle is true and shared by others, and also it's not the end if you don't want it to be. Or if you want it to, it can be an end, to be a new beginning altogether. Either way, I wish for soft and kinder days for you. I'm there if you ever want to ramble about anything. 💜

i can't help but feel like my drawing days are kind of over. not entirely, i'll still be drawing from time to time. and deffo not because i want to. but i'm having this exact same feeling since mid 2022, since i was really struggling with my elective period, i kind of disconnected with art there and never truly found my way back. on top of everything that came after - moving, starting a job and working to be good at it which leaves such little room for other things because i can't handle my life well - there is just so much horrible shit going on. and i'm having a hard time comprehending it.

a part of me also feels very stupid for drawing one thing for almost 4 years now constantly, but another part of me knows "hey, but this makes you happy". it's a constant battle in my head because online spaces are like school grounds, and i don't actually wanna stand in the corner as that one kid that just can't shut up about that one character. but then again all i ever did was drawing fanart so... what does it. who gives a shit. be cringe and be free alright. but it kinda feels so hollow, esp. when you're at it for so long. a lot of mutuals move on. some are not even active anymore anywhere. and i wonder what happened. plus a huge chunk of the tone of the fandom has changed. also with the source material getting butchered so hard (since the release of ow2) it just kills the fun. playing this game used to be fun. playing this game was one thing that helped me getting through the last meters of university. it's like watching the downfall of the simpsons again without making the comparison too set in stone, just... this thing that used to be decent and nice and watching it getting ruined in real time (broken promises about pve, the recent gameplay changes?? the lore was fucked up from the start but they kind of tried, now it's just skins for 20+ dollars) while still having feelings for the characters is shit. anyway...

i recently went through a big folder of stuff i'd drawn at the age of 12-15 and there were so many fucked up but cool monster and cyborgs designs and just silly stupid stuff and all i could think of was that i felt so distanced from it, like i don't even know i think this is normal? because a lot of time has passed and a lot has happened and i knew i've drawn all this but i wasn't able to locate the person who did in my present me now and... it's just so normal that things move constantly forward but i feel like i missed huge chunks and passed a few stops and now i'm kind of lost.

i don't even know what i'm trying to say here anymore. i just feel sad because it feels like sth is slipping out of my grasp or sth has changed tremendously and i don't know how to make damage control.

i keep trying tho, i try to draw once a week at least. it's just like as soon as i take a step back and look at it i don't feel it at all. gonna continue tho, until it makes sense again i hope.