#tboma

[doomzday-zone]

@bunnie-killer-laser-beam sorry i need to put your FREEK in outfits or ill DIE ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️

[car-the-man]

miette sander sides

You hit Roman? You hit romans head like baseball!?! Jail, jail for bother for one THOUSAND years

[trainsandkitties]

Welcome to the North-Western! All aboard

Hello there ladies, gentlemen and everyone in between. Let me introduce you to our beloved gang of Sodor's steamies

Thomas Billinton

Age: appears 18, is actually 75

Height: 175 cm/ 5'7

Sexuality/gender identity: cisgender/ bisexual

Pronouns: he/him

Other: Thom struggles with self-esteem isses, often wishing he was bigger, stronger or faster; he lives in a house with Percy, Annie and Clarabel close to Tidmouth Station; currently doesn't have any relationships; he grew up in Brighton with his older brother Timothy as his only family; when skating became popular he'd do so with Percy; he's a huge comic book fan

Edward Furness

Age: appears to be in his early 60's, is actually 94

Height: 180 cm/ 5'10

Sexuality/gender identity: not labeled/ bisexual

Pronouns: he/they

Other: Eddie grew up in an orphanage in Barrow and Furness; he gets depressive episodes; during his first years on Sodor he had very little money and owned a tiny flat in Knapford before moving in with Gordon; he's a really good painter and can knit or crochet very complex pieces; he managed to graduate from art school; nobody on sodor can make apple fritters like him; before moving to Sodor he had a fiancé who was very toxic and left scared of relationships; he's married to Gordon (not legally)

Henry (Gresley) Stanier

Age: appears to be in his 50's, is actually 71

Height: 189 cm/ 6'2

Sexuality/gender identity: cisgender/ homosexual

Pronouns: he/him

Gordon Gresley

Other: Henry struggles with asthma and Crohn's disease; the Kipper incident left him an amputee (right arm, up to the elbow); he's considered Gordon's half-brother; he adores gardening; all of his plants have bames; he owns a small orchard and makes extra money from selling produce; he lives in a cottage around Knapford; Henry owns a little mongrel named Jackie and owned many rescue dogs before her; he's in a relationship with Hiro

Age: appears to be in his late 40's, is actually 69

Height: 195 cm/ 6'4

Sexuality/gender identity: cisgender/ homosexual /demisexual

Pronouns: he/him (she/her in drag)

Other: Gordon is on the autism spectrum, has severe depression and psychotic episodes; he has moderare h-EDS and anisocoria(uneven pupils caused by his TGR accident); he's a giant cat person and adores anything related to cats; he lives in his great grandmother's old summer house in Tidmouth; acting, drag and singing have always been his escapism; before Edward he had one girlfriend but both realised they were gay; he learned how to sew and tailor clothing and keeps this ability a closely guarded secret

James Hughes

Age: appears to be around 30, is actually 81

Height: 185 cm/ 6'0

Sexuality/ gender identity: non-binary/ pansexual

Pronouns: they/them

Other: James suffers from severe pyrophoba caused by their accident; they live in a bungalow nearby Tbomas and Percy; they have issues with upkeeping relationships so they often change partners, though they've been quite consistent with Spencer so far; James looks up to Gordon often trying to mimick him in many ways, but overtime they found their own style; James came out as non-binary around the 80's

Percy Avonside

Age: appears 18, is actually 93

Height: 170 cm/ 5'6

Sexuality/ gender identity: transgender (ftm)/ not labeled

Pronouns: he/him

Other: Percy was inicially named Priscilla but upon coming to the NWR he was able to come out and live life as his real self; he's often anxious and needs reassurance and support, but can be very brave and sometimes the voice of reason when Thomas and James start fighting; he's very imaginative and loves to hear stories from Salty and Edward

Emily Stirling

Age: appears to be in her 40's, is atually 95

Height: 177 cm/ 5'8

Sexuality/ gender identity: cisgender/ lesbian

Pronouns: she/her

Other: Emily is quite mature and kind but can be sassy and a bit impatient; she's one of James' closest friends and supports them through their ups and downs with relationships; she has a crush on Catilyn and they have a blooming relationship; She lives in a flat in Knapford;

Now some general info on the au etc. (Idk how to make titles ok? lolol)

[bedoballoons]

No but i hate tcg wuth evety being of my soul until i saw tboma getting added in 4.4

Z🧚‍♀️

THATS HOW I AM TOO! I'd love it if my luck wasn't so bad, I swear it hates me...my dice rolls are always elements I don't have and don't get me started on the cards that I don't need at the times they show up 😭

But I mean if it's Thoma you just have to! Hehe

[hughschiers]

TBOMAS MILIC IS A WINNIPEG JET IM CRYIN

[5-falsehoods-phonated]

So you know the screaming part in Be Calm by Fun on Virgils playlist? I just had a thought.

Virgil: beginning to panic

Logan at an inappropriately loud volune: BE CALM

Virgil panicking slightly more: ...why would you

Logan: from that music you listen to, one of the songs tells you aggressively to be calm, I deduced perhaps more volume would help.

Virgil: th-that's not...*busts up laughing* you know what L, that did help. Thank you.

[deliriumofendless]

Hellooo u don't know me but I creep on your blog from time to time. Anyway I just got my heart broken for the second time by a guy that would look pathetic next to Thomas sooo I wonder if you got any good Tbomas fics you would recommend so I can daydream about the sexgod/gutiargod Thomas instead?

uhhh well i have a few fics written for thomas and i’m actually working on a multi chapter fic for him rn beyond those i actually really like this fic by @damiano-mylove

[writingsbychlo]

me imagining the reader having a sex dream of ff!tommy and her getting flustered everytime she’s around him

gonna slip some paramedic!reader in here with firefighter!tommy

the thing is, they’re pretty touchy and close anyway. the job kinda calls for it, nobody can really count how many times they’ve had to be pressed up to one another to fit through a tight space, or accidentally grabbed something they shouldn’t have. there’s not really any boundaries.

so, the next morning, you can barely meet his eye, and at first, he thinks you’re just tired, but then when he places his hands on your hips to squeeze past you in the kitchen at the station, and you flinch away from him, he’s worried.

later that day, he’s helping you unpack the new med supplies, and he stands behind you to push a box onto the shelf, and you practically let it fall onto your head just to prove you can do it and get away from him.

he starts to think he’s done something wrong, and he’s moody about it. he complains to minho, who is much less subtle, and calls you out on it in the middle of the garage, while newt is taking stock and the candidate is washing the trucks.

he realises about two seconds into your stuttering that it was a filthy dream, and cracks up about it, and now you’re even more embarrassed. it only gets worse when he straight up pulls a mean girls move and says ‘well, thomas, at least you know she ain’t mad at you’ and walks away, and thomas has been behind the wall this whole time, and you want the ground to swallow you whole.

you stare at each other for about ten seconds straight, nothing but tension and insecurity, before he takes your hands in his face and kisses you with everything he has, and says something stupid like “next time, just tell me, it’s been torture not being around you all day. especially when i could’ve fucked the tension right out of you four times over already.”

newt throws a packet of gauze at him, and tells him not to be crass, and tbomas drags you away to the showers.

[ky-likes-sanders-sides]

Sensitivity Training [1]

Summary: Thomas had a bad day, and got more upset at things that wouldn't usually bother him too much. He summons his sides, only to find them acting weird. He's told it's an internal issue, one issue they don't want Thomas to resolve himself, one that has to do with Sensitivity.

wc: 1,809

Thomas already had his equipment recording when he said, “Okay, guys, I already know I have a problem to deal with today because I’ve been extra sensitive and touchy so let’s just bring out the sides. Patton!”

He figured he would call Patton first because his emotions were having a roller coaster today and it might bring something to light to have a bit of introspection with his dad side.

Thomas waited for a moment, but no Patton arrived. “Guys? Can you come up here?”

He witnessed the floor open up where Patton would stand. Thomas was looking down at Logan standing casually and Patton hunched over another figure he couldn’t quite see. “Guys, what’s going on?”

Logan looked up, a little startled but easily composed himself, “Ah, Thomas, we are in the middle of a situation. I would recommend that you relax and-”

A loud wailing started up near Patton, making him jump a bit. He can’t make out who it sounds like, but then again, he hasn’t exactly heard the sides weep openly to or in front of him.

“-and try to relax, treat yourself as well as you have to. You deserve it.” Logan finished, unnaturally soft with how he presented the statement. Not to mention out of character.

“Um. Okay, maybe, but who’s crying?” Thomas asked, wary of letting the sides deal with a situation when it could potentially be solved better with all of them.

Patton looked up through the hole to wave to Thomas while patting the back of whoever was crying, he assumed. “Hey Thomas! Everything’s alright, kiddo! You’re gonna be okay!” he said with extra sympathy in his heart.

Ignoring the fact that his question wasn’t answered, he turned to see that Roman and Virgil had popped up in their respectful locations. 

“Hello, my dearest Prince Thomas! You look especially handsome today, don’t you agree, Virgil?” Roman said, as if he were talking to a child. It’s not like Thomas minded, he just thought it was suspicious.

“Yeah, he sure is.” Virgil said with as much enthusiasm he could muster, which wasn’t a lot to begin with.

“Roman, Virgil, why is everyone being so nice to me?” Thomas questioned, staring back and forth at the both of them as the two also looked at each other.

“Well...” Roman started, “We know you’ve had a rough day and wanted to be gentle with you, like all princes should be handled.”

Thomas half-laughed, “I know something is happening. I’m ready to deal with it.”

Virgil and Roman frowned at each other, Logan and Patton were talking quietly under the drowning sound of the loud sobs coming from the portal on the floor to the mindscape. 

“We don’t think you’re ready for this, Thomas.” Virgil spoke. “You’ve had a rough day, there will be another rough day to deal with this, hopefully that one will be a lot less horrible than today.” He was the first side to be honest with him today, looking and sounding worn out.

Humming, Thomas said, “It almost sounds like ‘this’ is another side. Why would I have to ‘deal’ with another side? That sounds... dismissive.” Concern rose in his voice.

“This is a deal, a situation, like Logan said,” Virgil stated, “We like to figure out how to solve problems ourselves before giving you the opportunity to because Patton says it expands on our ‘teamwork skills’.”

Thomas only replied with an "Um." before Logan rose in his proper spot.

"Oh, our charming and intelligent knight has arrived!" Roman gallantly noted, and Logan gave him a weird half-look before focusing on Thomas.

"Hello, Thomas. We should talk before bringing this to our full attention."

With a slap of his hands against his thighs, Thomas responded with, "Sure." The crying was starting to get to him.

Logan nodded, and looked at the portal. He stretched out an arm and then closed his hand into a fist, and with that gesture the portal closed and the silence was blissful to the four of them.

"We have interacted and helped you down from sensitive episodes before, unbeknownst to you, but it only works 72.1% of the time. The other 27.9% you fix yourself, when you're feeling this way." Logan knew they needed Patton to come up and talk soon, he couldn't do it all by himself lest he end up offending someone.

"Oh. How do I fix it? I didn't even realize." Thomas was surprised that he fixed his own 'problems' without knowing he had them.

"By um..." Logan paused, Roman looked a little uncomfortable, and Virgil looked a lot uncomfortable. He didn't know why, but Logan felt a tinge of embarrassment. "By relieving stress. Through physical means."

Chuckling, Thomas gave a simple, "Oh." He knows that's a true statement.

"Patton, we need you here." Logan called, willing the conversation to move on from the topic as quickly as possible. He didn't like when one emotion center was skewed because it messed with all of them.

Patton rose as quickly as possible, exclaiming, "Your favorite dad is here! Now who wants a hug?"

"Our beautiful, cheerful, and positive Patton has arrive!" Roman said, Thomas could tell he was trying to bring up everyone's moods, which he appreciates.

"Patton," Logan announced, "Can you tell us the difference between Morality's Feelings and Sensitivity's Feelings?"

"Well, sure! Thomas, when you get emotional it can come in two ways: inside adaptive feeling, and outside reactive feeling.

Inside adaptive feeling is when you are changing your feelings with situations that are within you. This includes feeling happy when you wake up, and retaining the positive mindset that keeps you going! You have a good control of your feelings in this way of feeling.

"Outside reactive feeling is when you have a reaction to an outside feeling that you didn't anticipate. For example, when you empathize or sympathize with someone when you didn't expect it. Or when you have a bad day and the terrible feeling lingers."

"Just so you know," Logan interjected, "Patton came up with all of that himself."

“Aw, thanks for giving me credit, Lo-buddy!”

“Don’t call me that.”

Thomas pauses for a moment to go over the definitions. They were a bit abstract, but Thomas replies with, "That's interesting, Pat. You're the half with inside adaptive feeling. Am I right?"

"Exactly, Thomas!"

"Sensitivity and sensuality work in conjunction both physically and mentally." Logan stated. “The important thing to remember is that you can become sensitive from internal stimuli, for example, thinking of your own demise or another emotionally charged subject.

Before letting Thomas think on that too much, he continued, “Now that you have an understanding of what sensitivity works with, we can proceed.”

“Proceed with what, exactly? Am I meeting a new side?” Thomas questions. Usually they appear on their own volition, but then again, the two newest sides have not been... as friendly as he would have imagined.

“Only if you want to, Thomas! You could put this off for another day, but you have the opportunity to meet another in our crazy ensemble!” Roman declared, and it’s not like Thomas would have refused, he could see how stressed they were and with what they were going through.

A moment passed in contemplation, more so anticipation for Thomas as he thought about what the side would look like. Would they have a pair of glasses like Logan and Patton do? Would they have a deep intense voice or a flighty or casual tone? What is their color?

“Alright, I’m ready.” Thomas finally said. Everyone stood looking at him for a moment before Virgil slapped his own forehead.

“Oh, duh, you have to summon them.” With a confused look on Thomas’ face, Virgil continued, “You need to summon the feeling of being sensitive.”

“What, so like, making myself think of sensitive things? Make myself vulnerable?” He warily asked, hoping it wasn't that difficult.

"Yep, pretty much." Virgil responds, and Thomas is already thinking about the things he's sensitive about. His family, religion, content, homophobia, and he could name more.

Instead, he focused in on what bothered him; how reactive he was when he was in town today. Thomas got upset a lot, so he just thought these moments over. He was pushed in the grocery store, there were anti-gay posters on the side of a building, when he and Joan were ripping them down they got called names, he stepped in a puddle of water and got his sock wet, and he dropped a slice of bread with jelly (Crofters) on the floor.

Opening his eyes, he saw a pink figure sitting on the stairs behind Virgil, who had moved off to the side to let Thomas see.

The side was wearing a plain, pink sweater and white jean pants, face pouting as they looked away from Virgil and especially Thomas. Thomas noticed that they were wearing a gentle rosy-peachy-pink lipstick, non-matte, and mascara because there was no way his eyelashes were that prominent normally.

Logan had a question (Can you dye your eyelashes?) but he didn't want to interrupt Thomas meeting the new side, so he held his tongue and glared at Roman so he'd remember. Roman gave him a look before looking back to Thomas to see his reaction.

"Um, h-" Tbomas started, but immediately got cut off.

"Today was horrible!" The side pouted, half yelling.

Ah. Legendary first words. Their voice was a little bit more high pitched, almost sounding like a teenager. "Yeah, I know it was, but now-"

"Now it's still a mess, I'm still upset! I wanted to tell you about it myself but PATTON and LOGAN WOULDN'T LET ME!" They yelled, glaring at the two sides viciously.

"We were not stopping you in any way, we just recommended that he summon you before you showed up unexpectedly." Logan stated, unphased by the emotion.

"At least we laid the news on gently." Roman muttered.

"I... I want to talk about what I'm going through, then all of the other sides, because they're hurting too in different ways and you don't even see it!" They looked into Thomas' eyes for the first time. Patton rubbed his temples subconsciously.

Through gritted teeth, Virgil said, "I thought we agreed not to talk about that."

"Hurting?" Thomas felt an iron weight in his chest. "M-My sides... are hurting?"

"Yeah," They started somberly, "But you don't get to hear that drama until you deal with this hot lava coming your way! You need me now more than ever to help mend the sides back together."

"Okay, um, I wouldn't be opposed to hearing your perspective on things. But what do I call you?"

"Oh," They looked away to the carpet, flushing as they realized that they didn't introduce themselves. "Sensitivity. Five syllables."

"It's nice to meet you, Sensitivity." Thomas gently replies, smiling.

[doomzday-zone]

omgggggg mr ballad...... the afton...... 😁 . william @bunnie-killer-laser-beam

[adamsvanrhijn]

3am thinkin about the tbomas/richard strings

[ghosty-goos-asks]

((SHIT WAIT I MEANT STERLING NOT TBOMAS))

((RIP I MEAN I WAS KINDA CONFUSED BUT I WENT WITH IT LOL))

[crusty-the-snowman]

Thomas Goranski has ADHD because I said so, and I'm his real father -jake

I have ADHD so I say that Tbomas Goranski has ADHD

[5-falsehoods-phonated]

for your bad things happen bingo: prank gone wrong with romantic intruality? happy ending though? :3

Thank you for the prompt!

Knot A Prank

Summary: Patton tries pranking Remus in an effort to make him feel more welcome. It does not go as planned. (Happy ending)

Warnings: mention of bugs, unintentional strangulation, non explicit sexual innuendo, cursing, caps to signify shouting, injury

Prompt: Prank Gone Wrong

Ships: Intruality, Patton x Remus

Wc: 1672

AO3 link

Learning to live with Remus since he began coming around more often was...interesting to say the least. His suggestive language and random bouts of murderous imagery was something that concerned Patton in the beginning, believing it couldn't be good for Thomas' mental well being and moral standing for someone like Remus to have as much room to talk as he did. But the more he was around the more he began to understand that he really was just an excitable person who couldn't stay on one subject of conversation for mode than a few minutes to save his life. When Patton began humoring him, listening to the more vulgar ideas and getting used to his presence in kind, the duke seemed to get a little calmer, pick fights a little less...leave less fake blood on the carpeting.

Through all that the most he brought to the mind space they shared was pranks in any and all forms. Jump scares that sent Virgil clawing and hissing his way up the fridge and sent Remus cackling. Filling Deciet's gloves with copious amounts of mayonaise amused him to no end when said side would pretend he didn't even notice, delicately excusing himself with a far too put together expression. Making Roman's sword melt and snapping it back together in a hiding place, gluing pages of Logan's books together and fixing it just before he lost his cool, even pranking Patton by replacing the pepper with ground up crickets. (Which he didnt notice until he tated a distinct lack of peper flavor on his eggs that morning and Remus casually mentioning it, though after the initial shock he had eaten them anyway, much to the dukes surprised amusement.)

Everyone had been more than a little surprised when Patton had simply taken the pranks in stride, finding them to be a nice day to day mix up as long as they didnt go too far. He even began learning more about Rrmus as time went on. His favorite pastime was defacing disney coloring books, which Patton had a hunch was just to get to Roman. He liked doing his nails and had even offered to do Patton's at some point, to which he refused only because he hated the feel of it. He liked cooking and was surprisingly good at it when he wasnt trying to put something completely inedible on their plates just to see their reactions. His favorite desert was, again, surprising in its simplicity and healthiness, which is what Patton was making now to lure the other to the kitchen.

No one had managed (or tried) to prank Remus back since he began coming around more. Whether thay was from fear or lack of trying Patton wasn't sure but he was fixing that today. He smiled as he heard thumping down the stairs. Game. Set. Match.

"What the hell??"

Patton whirled around and tsked. "Language Remus."

Remus raised an eyebrow and tugged a bit at his arms, huffing when they only tangled further. Now that he was trapped the ropes that were slung in the doorway were clearly visible, hung in such a way that it was easy yo get tangled and hard to get out of. With Rrmus dangling in the middle of it Patton smiled at his pranks success.

Huffing again, Remus spoke up in a sultry tone. "Oh Daddy, if you wanted me tied up so badly all you had to do was ask."

Heat erupted under Pattons skin as he sputtered. "Its a prank! I wanted to prank you since you're always pulling them on the others!" He gestured to the freshly dipped caramel apples. "So I made your favorite desert and you're trapped and cant have any."

"You...know my favorite desert?" All suggestion left his voice as he stared at Patton with barely contained adoration.

"Of course! I...wasn't fair to you before so I'm trying my best to make up for it."

Remus cackled. "By tying me up and refusing me my sweets?"

Admittedly it was a lame prank but it was his first he'd ever pulled! He wasn't really sure how it was supposed to work. "I didnt think this through very well..." he admitted, shame faced.

Laughter dying out Rrmus shook his head. "Hey no it's fine Patty whack, just means we gotta work on it a bit! How about-"

Remus was cut off as he was pulled violently downward, turning both of their complexions pale white for entirely different reasons. While it was possible to resist a summons, catch a side off guard or in a vulnerable position and it became that much harder.

"Remus! No, no, no this wasnt- okay just hold on I can-" Patton rushed to start tugging at the rope, cursing both his stupidity and the timing of the others. Another tug sent Remus down further, ropes tightening and catching his fingers which he snapped back with a yelp, watching helplessly as the other gurgled and struggled against his confines. It was tangled everywhere, swinging around his arms and legs, one tangled loosely at his waist and another pulled taunt right under his jaw. He was beginning to turn red, fingertips blushing as their circulation was cut off and mouth gaping in an attempt to get air into his closed windpipe as Patton tugged valiantly at the rope, at his clothes, at anything as tears ran down his face while continuing to curse. It was just a harmless prank it shouldn't have- HE shouldn't have-

He laid a quick hand on Remus' cheek and sunk out quickly, popping up in the living room in the middle of the others' debate.

"The pranks cant have been that detrimental to Thomas' mental well being but it would still be a good idea to address it as a possible- oh Patton, you aren't-"

Paying Logan no mind Patton looked straight at Thomas and screamed. "STOP PULLING!"

Instantly the room fell silent and Tbomas' hand flopped to his side while opening his mouth in question. Not even bothering to explain, Patton quickly sunk out again, rushing to the Duke's side and frantically pulling away the rope, finally able to disentangle now that it was loose. He gasped sharply as Remus did nothing but fall limply to the ground, rope burns standing out an angry red around his wrists and neck. Seeing he was breathing, albeit shakily, Patton quickly scooped him up and moved him to the couch, biting his lip in guilt ridden worry as he noticed dark bruises already beginning to form. He heard a soft whoosh behind him and turned to see Logan standing shocked in the doorway. All at once he burst into tears again, clutching desperately to Remus' hand.

"Help me."

Snapping out of it Loagn took quick strides to examine Remus, hissing in sympathy at the discoloration. Poking and prodding got barely a wince from the unconcious side but Logan seemed satisfied, turning to Patgon with a furrowed brow.

"I'm going to get ice and vaseline. Stay here."

Nodding numbly he pressed the hand he was still holding his cheek as he continued to cry, guilt twisting his stomach in tense knots that made him want to puke. It was just supposed to be a harmless prank but he had been stupid and careless and now-

He watched as Logan came back to lay a thin towel and an ice pack over Remus' neck, taking the hand gently away from him to slather vaseline on the worst of the rope burns before wrapping them in soft bandages. Satisfied with his work Logan turned to look at him.

"I assume those ropes in the doorway are what caused this."

A fresh batch of tears cascaded down Patton's face as he practically wailed into the reclaimed hand. "It was an accident I swear! It was a stupid prank and were gonna have apples after but I couldn't get the ropes undone and oh god what if he died? Lo, what if i killed him, he can't-"

"Patton breathe." Sucking in a huge breath his sobs stuttered out and left him silently shaking, the reassuring hand on his shoulder doing little to ease his worry. "Remus will be fine, and as figments of Thomas' imagination we are unable to die anyway. It most likely won't even take him that long to heal, I promise you. What you did was done with little forethought but that doesnt mean him being hurt was your fault."

Patton sniffed. "It doesn't?"

"It was just unfortunate timing on both our parts. I'm sure Remus will forgive you readily enough."

"He already does." Patton gasped and turned at the slightly raspy voice, finding the injured side smiling Foothill up at him. "Hey Pattoncake it's okay. I've done worse to myself."

Crying with relief now Patton through himself on the other, unabashedly dusting kisses all over the other face as gently as he could. Remus laughed, tugging the other on top of him and only wincing slightly at the pressure, squeezing him tightly in his arms as be continued go be bombarded with love.

"Remus I'm so sorry I-"

"Hush it's fine. It was exhilarating until I passed out." Waggling his eyebrows for effect he let out a relieved sigh as Patton giggled. "This just means I'll have to teach you how to pull pranks that couldn't kill someone if they were real. No harm done."

Neither of them noticed Logan leave to dispell the others worries, too wrapped up in eachother figuratively and literally to pay any attention. Remus expression grew serious however making Patton suck in a worried breath.

"I seem to remember desert being a thing, and seeing how I almost died I'm thinking I should definitely get first pick."

Laughing softly Patton leaned up to give him a quick peck on the lips, earning a rare blush in return. "Of course!"

He watched as Patton left. "If this is what I get for almost dying I should do it more often."

"Absolutely not!"

[johnnymundano]

The Theatre Bizarre (2011)

Directed by Douglas Buck, Buddy Giovinazzo, David Gregory, Karim Hussain, Jeremy Kasten, Tom Savini and Richard Stanley

Written by Scarlett Amaris, Douglas Buck, John Esposito, Buddy Giovinazzo, David Gregory, Karim Hussain, Emiliano Ranzani and Richard Stanley

Music by Simon Boswell, Susan DiBona and Marquis Howell of Hobo Jazz

Country: United States

Language: English

Running Time: 114 minutes

CAST

Udo Kier as Peg Poett

Virginia Newcomb as Enola Penny

Kaniehtiio Horn as The Writer (segment 'Vision Stains')

Victoria Maurette as Karina (segment 'The Mother Of Toads')

Shane Woodward as Martin (segment 'The Mother Of Toads')

André Hennicke as Axel (segment 'I Love You')

Suzan Anbeh as Mo (segment 'I Love You')

James Gill as Donnie (segment 'Wet Dreams')

Tom Savini as Dr. Maurey (segment 'Wet Dreams')

Debbie Rochon as Carla (segment 'Wet Dreams')

Lena Kleine as The Mother (segment 'The Accident')

Mélodie Simard as The Daughter (segment 'The Accident')

Lindsay Goranson as Estelle (segment 'Sweets')

Guilford Adams as Greg (segment 'Sweets')

Framing Segments

Directed by Jeremy Kasten

Written by Zach Chassler

Cast:

Udo Kier as Peg Poett

Virginia Newcomb as Enola Penny

The Theatre Bizarre is a series of six shorts largely in hock to the grand-guignol tradition of naturalistic horror (i.e. proper ketchup, matey). I know this not because of any keen interest in French theatre but because the framing sequence is called ‘Theatre Guignol’, and it is into this terribly mysterious theatre that Enola Penny (Virginia Newcomb) dreamily wanders one decisive night. Each of the following sections is introduced by the indefatigable Udo Kier playing a big puppet (literally “grand guignol”) who becomes less puppet-like as the movie wears on and (cue wobbly theremin) Enola become less human. Which might be an artistic statement about desensitisation, but is definitely an excuse to watch Udo Kier popping robot-moves, which I think we can all agree is a good thing.

The Mother of Toads

Directed by Richard Stanley

Written by Richard Stanley, Scarlett Amaris and Emiliano Ranzani

Cast:

Catriona MacColl as Mere Antoinette

Shane Woodward as Martin

Victoria Maurette as Karina

Lisa Belle as The Naked Witch (as Lisa Crawford)

Amelie Salomon as The Monster

The Mother of Toads is apparently based on a Clark Ashton Smith story of the same name which I haven’t read, with a bit of HP Lovecraft chucked in. It features a pair of unpleasant young Americans holidaying in France, and I’m not dissing Americans there, this pair really are unlikable; Karina moans that everything is in French in France (quelle surprise!), while Martin is so anaesthetised by his own acumen he can barely push his smug words past the thicket of his trendy beard. They come unstuck when bargain hunting in a French market where a handsome older lady with a mesmerising accent saucily offers Martin a peek at her Necronomicon. Bundling Karina off to a spa Martin spends the day with the accommodating and increasingly ardent crone, drinking suspicious brews and fingering her dusty leaves. Things end badly. This was an agreeably silly creature feature with plenty of the old ugh! quotient, an endearing lack of logic and a pervading sense of encroaching doom. The humour leavening proceedings is clearly no accident; there’s an excellent joke when Martin attempts to extricate himself from a post-coital bed without waking his sleeping and somewhat slimy partner. Probably rings a few bells in the audience that bit. It’s just enjoyably daft, tongue-in-cheek stuff and a welcome reminder that Richard (Hardware (1990), Dust Devil (1992)) Stanley is still rocking his smart-trash groove.

I Love You

Directed by Buddy Giovinazzo

Written by Buddy Giovinazzo

Cast:

André Hennicke as Axel

Suzan Anbeh  as Mo

I Love You is a pretty tough watch and unusually it’s not because of the climactic gore. Axel wakes up in his bathroom disorientated and bloody; turns out he’s an insecure, self-destructive mess who has driven his lady Mo away. Mo returns to sever all ties and leave for good. What follows is an emotionally harrowing battle between two damaged people where words are weapons and the hurt is internal. As blood spattered as the despairing denouement may be the real horror is the extended verbal flensing Mo delivers to Martin, in which she destroys not only his present but also his past. And is she telling the truth? Or is it a desperate attempt to extricate herself from his unquenchable neediness? Like a fox gnawing its paw off to escape the trap? Sometimes uncertainty can be another level of horror. Buddy Giovinazzo delivers a classily acted, tautly suspenseful two-hander which leaves an emotional stain which persists for days.

Wet Dreams

Directed by Tom Savini

Written by John Esposito

Cast:

Debbie Rochon as Carla

Tom Savini as Dr. Maurey

James Gill as Donnie

Jodii Christianson as Maxine

Wet Dreams is directed by Tom Savini, who is legendary in horror for his SFX work and slightly less legendary for his acting, so there’s no excuse for doing an Elvis double take at the fact he’s given himself a role and that his segment is luridly gory. He’s no slouch at directing either, which is nice. The esteemed Mr. Savini plays a psychiatrist, the kind who drinks on the job and talks about raping his mum (i.e. a movie psychiatrist), treating Donnie, a preening jackass who likes smacking his wife, Carla, about and cheating on her. See, Donnie’s having recurring nightmares wherein his sexy dream fun times climax with him being tortured and castrated by his long-suffering wife, in a series of gruesomely humorous and visually explicit ways. Gentlemen viewers may never again think of a fry-up without skittishly crossing their legs. Serves Donnie right you might think, but by the end of the dream-within-a-dream misdirection and its gruesomely pre-code EC Comics twist finale you might think again. Ugh. I mean….ugh. I...Jesus. What could have just been a gratuitous mess of general dismemberment is deftly directed by the savant Savini, resulting in an amoral immorality tale. And need it be said that his skills in the SFX dept remain second to none? No, it need not. So pretend I didn’t say it.

The Accident

Directed by Douglas Buck

Written by Douglas Buck

Cast:

Lena Kleine as Mother

Mélodie Simard as Daughter

Jean-Paul Rivière as Old Biker

Bruno Décary as Young Biker

The Accident provides a brief respite from the onslaught of sensationalistic gore, a pit stop if you will. Even if you won’t, it definitely centres around a cute child asking her blasé mother questions about mortality, said questions raised in the tiny, inquiring mind after the witnessing of an accident earlier in the day involving a deer and a cocky motorcyclist. It’s a very restrained piece, very accomplished, and softer in tone than anything before or after it. There’s a touch of grue when the deer is finished off, but mostly the horror here is the complete horseshit parents come out with to calm their offspring with regards to the ultimately absurd nature of life and death, a subject which everyone spends a lot of time avoiding thinking about on a day to day basis and about which they would rather not be cross-examined about by a child at bedtime. As upsetting as the sight of the deer’s tongue lolling out of its bug eyed head was (very), it wasn’t as upsetting as realising all the lies you have to fill your kid with just so they can function in what we’ve all decided to call reality. Compared to all that, lying about Santa Claus is a minor misdemeanour.

Vision Stains

Directed by Karim Hussain

Written by Karim Hussain

Cast:

Kaniehtiio Horn as The Writer

Cynthia Wu-Maheux as Junkie Girl

Imogen Haworth as Pregnant Woman

Rachelle Glait  as Older Homeless Woman

Alex Ivanovici  as Junkie Man

I have a thing about eye trauma. Not a sexual thing, a “flinch and wave your hands about like you’re warding off invisible birds” thing. It’s a running joke in the Mundano family unit; if there’s some serious eye trauma afoot in the viewing choice, all eyes fall on the father figure as he  tenses for impact. Those similarly (dis)inclined should be warned that there is a seriously impressive amount of eye trauma in Vision Stains. It’s built in as the whole episode rests on the Horror Movie Science concept of people’s past lives flashing before their eyes at the point of death. So if you extract their eye juice as they die and inject it into your own eye you will get to live the edited highlights of another life. Obviously. That sounds about as appealing as it sounds scientifically feasible, but our serial killer heroine is well into it. She basically harvests the lives of the homeless to make up for her personal shortfall in dreams. Judging by the massive pile of notebooks in which she has written the details of all the lives she has nicked, its worked out quite well for her. But people, even dreamless serial killers who prey on the homeless,  are never satisfied, so she decides to take the next step and find out what happens before people have a life to flash in front of their eyes. The results are mixed. Ultimately you can’t help thinking it would have been a lot quicker and far easier on the homeless population if she’d just read Tbomas Ligotti’s The Conspiracy Against the Human race. It’s all very silly but the po-faced approach suggests it is straining for some grandiose meaning; it fails. But it does feature a fantastic amount of eye trauma. Each to their own.

Sweets

Directed by David Gregory

Written by David Gregory

Cast:

Lindsay Goranson as Estelle

Guilford Adams as Greg

Lynn Lowry as Mikela Da Vinci

Jessica Remmers as Antonia

With Sweets, things close on a hilariously disgusting note. A deadpan Estelle and a semi-hysterical Greg talk about their dying relationship in the most banal clichés imaginable as they sit in what was once an apartment, but is now a kind of edible sty plastered with smushed up confectionery.  As trite nonsense falls from her lips Estelle slowly sucks a melting ice cream into her deadpan face. Greg flailing to rescue the dead relationship counters with the expected whiny responses, while spasmodically picking filthy sweets off the floor and ingesting them with all the automotive panache of the true addict. Their stale interactions are punctuated by a series of flashbacks  which parody cinema’s rote scenes of romance, with the pair swilling sweet shit like swilling sweet shit is going out of fashion. Luckily for Greg, Estelle hasn’t quite finished with him, unluckily for Greg he’s about to find out what that means. Sweets is pretty funny in its lip-smacking attack on love and addiction (and love as addiction), and is delightfully cartoonish in style; Estelle is often colour coordinated from hair to shoes with whatever sickly delicacy she is proffering. Of course all the comedy and caricature serve only to distract you while Sweets prepares a delightful gut punch of horror, before the management politely ask you to leave.

 TL;DR: The Theatre Bizarre: it’s worth a watch, but not if you’re squeamish.

[doomzday-zone]

@bunnie-killer-laser-beam ypur....cute ..... bunnie girl....... sniffles....... waughh🥹,,,,,