#tbh. . . u can assume any connection u wish!!!

[illicitaffaxr]

` 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐓𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐓𝐎. . . . . anyone.

the neon lights pulsed to the beat of the music , painting the la nightclub in a kaleidoscope of vibrant colors . odessa was in her element , her laughter mingling with the energetic ambiance of the crowd . her dark eyes sparkled with mischief and charm as she swayed to the rhythm of the music , her lithe figure captivating everyone around her . as she made her way through the lively dance floor , a chance encounter brought her face to face with a familiar stranger . her hazed over hues locked on them , the electricity between them palpable . time seemed to slow as they both sensed an undeniable chemistry that hung in the air like a magnet drawing them together , or was the alcohol in her system causing her to move in slow motion ? to be frank , she didn't know or care . in that moment , odessa's playful demeanor was infused with a touch of daring curiosity . she leaned in , her voice a calling out above the music , “ come on ! come & dance with me ? ”

[septembersghost]

This may be stupid/impossible but can you put the album in chronological order for me? I'm trying to figure out each story and where it should go 😵

in chronological order of when they happened in her life? 😅 maybe! i'll try to tie in other songs as touchstones too, though there are far more than just what i'll mention.

you're on your own, kid spans her entire career

2. midnight rain (this is a guess, but it sounds like someone she knew very young, and reminiscing about that small town feeling, the "normal" life she gave up, we could say debut-fearless, i've seen it connected to the way i loved you, and to the story of 'tis the damn season/dorothea from evermore)

3. would've, could've, should've (preceding speak now era, connected to dear john and the story of us, jm)

4. bigger than the whole sky (this is me taking a shot in the dark only because this and the previous song are linked lyrically - "what would've been, could've been, what should've been you," in my head is her mourning herself, because that's how it speaks to *me*, and how i grieve myself. there are dozens of different interpretations of this song and we're probably all wrong, but i like them as a devastatingly heartbreaking pair, so.)

5. maroon (red era, jg, it's literally just. it's all of the heartbreak and yearning and quiet anger that exist on red as a whole record, but darker.)

6. question...? (1989 era, hs, interpolates out of the woods, also very i wish you would and all you had to do was stay)

7. bejeweled (post 1989/pre-reputation era, ch, i'm smacking the next person who misinterprets this as anything having to do with her current life with a glove, he was stifling her and dimming her shine)

8. high infidelity (pre-reputation era, ch, possibly reflective of tolerate it, and ivy tbh, from this point all love songs are about joe, who is mentioned here, "he brought me back to life," which very briefly connects to gorgeous and paper rings)

9. glitch (pre-rep, connected imho to so it goes... and cruel summer and cowboy like me)

10. snow on the beach (pre-rep, but i'm not 100% sure of this placement, i'm only putting it here because of the feeling of delicate, and falling in love at the same time vibes seeming like early on, glimmers of long story short and cornelia street as well)

11. labyrinth (pre-rep but to me also spans time, she's initially afraid of losing him here, maybe linked to dancing with our hands tied, but he turns the plane around, which is very evermore)

12. hits different (pre-rep, i think? also some gold rush vibes. feels like it leads into the next)

13. the great war (i assume also pre-rep, possibly connected to lover's the archer and afterglow)

14. anti-hero (since this is taylor about herself and her insecurities, i'm just slotting it here due to what happened, and her snake hiss in, "everybody agreesssss," but it isn't specific to one moment)

15. paris (reputation, because they were somewhere else, and she wasn't bothered by any news)

16. lavender haze (lover, also spans time though, including the past - the haze is mentioned in TGW - and reaches the present, a little i think he knows, a little call it what you want, a little daylight)

17. vigilante shit (gonna say lover era when she decided to re-record, could also be more recent, see: mad woman)

18. mastermind (reputation-lover-present, invisible string on purpose)

19. karma (reputation-lover-present, u know we love a london boy)

20. sweet nothing (rep/lover-folklore-present, it's peace and it's daylight)

21. dear reader (as the closer, spans time to the present like yoyok)

and now looking at this tracklist, even though some of it is estimates, this looks like a fabulous album and i'm going to have to listen to it in this order 👀💖

[dog-teeth]

Hiii please don't answer if this question is too much but I was wondering what your experience as a trans person existing is like? Rn I'm cis passing and low-key making me miserable but the anxiety of how I would b treated in the world is so so so scary so I guess is it hard? Are you treated any different? Especially the non-binary thing bc that's me too <3

haiii as always i write fucken essays so its below the cut lol

well first of all i can only speak to my own experience, which is obvs influenced by the other parts of my life like my location/class/race/sexuality/personality/etc, it difficult/impossible to distill what "being trans" is like without factoring in everything else.

but anyways, i'm extremely lucky to have had the security to come out and be open about my transness since i'm surrounded by really excellent people. when i came out i was 14 and didn't know any other trans people, and it sucked, but i feel like even in just the past 6ish years there's a LOT more visibility for trans people than there was back then, and obvs i was young and had a lot less personal autonomy at the time. but my friends were all really cool about it and my parents were chill as well, and i went to a good high school where my teachers were respectful (i got misgendered by other students but once they were aware of me being trans they usually stopped) so i honestly didn't face that much external difficulty because of my gender.

the period between coming out and medically transitioning was rough a lot of the time tho, just because of the frustration of trying to be seen a certain way and the world never seeing you that way, at times it felt futile to even try and for a long time i really wished i wasn't trans, because being trans had never brought me any joy, so i didn't have pride in it the way i could with my sexuality, as it had only ever caused me pain (whereas my queer sexuality had lead me to love, sex, community, etc). but those were internally-driven feelings, not anything specific in how i was treated except for generally living in a world that didn't see me as myself, but that's also true when ur not out. it took a lot of fighting to be seen, and learning how to make myself happy.

since coming out, though, its been really really amazing. meeting & connecting with other trans people, dating other trans people, helping other people figure out their gender identities by being myself around them, making art about being trans, etc, is very rewarding, and obvs u can do that without being "out" too.

emotionally its very fulfilling, like jesus christ medically transitioning once i was an adult was so fucking awesome. i hadnt realized how much not being visible as my gender to other people was holding me back and distressing me until it stopped. even though i had socially transitioned earlier and been respected by people around me, it wasnt until i went on hrt and had top surgery that i felt really really good about existing as a trans person, when i could exist at any time in any space in any clothes and be seen how i wanted to be seen, and felt like my body was as it should be.

i don't really get treated differently tbh, most people don't readily assume ppl are trans so upon meeting me people just think im a queer guy, and i only bring up being trans when i want to & feel ok doing so. being nonbinary some people are bad about using my pronouns but i honestly dont care much. every once in a while i have to explain gender stuff to people but again i dont mind. its def more annoying than if i was a binary trans person but meh.

there's some annoying/anxiety-inducing stuff like dealing with extended family, doctors appointments, legal documents, and situations where i feel like i have to try to be Stealth, but those are rare compared to my everyday life where i'm genuinely just vibing.

i completely respect trans people who don't want to be out for whatever reason, but personally i've found it to be very rewarding and i can only imagine how miserable i'd be if i couldn't be open about my gender.

tldr; it's hard while you're figuring yourself out, but if the people around you are generally good, it's extremely awesome to be able to be yourself and transition!

[sukirichi]

suk *ehem saeren (new pseud is sexy btw and also your new theme vvv sexc bestie!!!😌😌) okay so when i read chp 7-8 i was like ‘y/n c’mon. give kita the chance he deserves i mean IT’S THE MR. KITA SHINSUKE WTF WHAT MORE CAN YOU ASK?!’ but then oh god, the museum scene holy fuck. no because the cherry blossom tree works so well as an analogy for the main couple’s love story. yeah, cherry blossoms signify new beginnings and are mostly adorned by many when they bloom. why? aside from the indication of renewal, it only stays for a certain period of the year which is always a sight to see and because of the limited time frame, everyone knows the beauty it exudes will be gone after the time passes (death). going back, suna and y/n’s routine of spending time together to being away from each other’s presence is the recurring theme for them to grow. seeing them say too many goodbyes brings that anxious feeling of ‘ahh. it we will be back to square one again'  (also, not the fact that broken record connotes annoying repetition of something is aksjalks🤧) 

also yeah, when you love a person, the one should make you feel calm and secure and only then you can distinguish whether you truly love them or just merely an infatuation. but in y/n’s case, whether she has that rose-tinted glasses on or not, identifying the blaring red flags is hard to accept notice if that same marker is the one that brings her comfort due to its familiarity. and idk where to put this in my last ask because i don’t have enough brain juice to make a theory, but the way suna is nervous for his first date with mari, he should have second guessed why he’s acting like that when the happiness he felt with y/n is way more different with mari (should have listened to osamu and aran and ooh im sorry i assumed they samu and suna were schoolmates in high school when they are not akhfak). sure, he’s nervous out of excitement but for what? it's like foreshadowing that he needs to put up a front with mari just to keep her (but we all know that is not the case) in those 3 years they spent together, did he feel more on the edge than relaxed tho? 🤨

and for someone who loathes her half-sister, nagisa sure is invested with the happenings in y/n. it’s like she’s always on the lookout for her mistakes and dote it on her until her last breath. the mari and nagisa connection is possible though and it is not like they live countries apart but their meeting, from the way i see it, is like a silver lining for nagisa to topple y/n lol🤪 and aah, now it get why nagisa called y/n whore at the restaurant. when i read that part, i thought that they have somewhat lived under the same roof for some time but the succeeding chps showed they did not and was still confused because she has never shown any interest about what is going on with her affiliated family except hatred and then that happened. i guess when she burst out at that moment, it was when the two had met? 

it’s kinda disheartening to see how lucy subtly(??) controls y/n’s love life. maybe because she doesn’t want y/n to fall under the same category for marrying out of love when she is the one who refuses to divorce the dad (= she shouldn’t). should have filed that divorce, not doing so is a recipe for disaster itself. and mari 😤😤WHAT DID I SAY?? (well in this case, it is shunning others away from suna) i cannot, for my peace of mind, be able to be in the same vicinity as her. for all i know, i could be dragging her on the floor out of pure disgust. i can’t wait to find out who died and who is in critical condition. though, that critical scenario lead to afterlife too, so no wishful thinking here. but, ahh are we getting a background story for suna too?🥺 this is where i'm betting my wish at. while we’re at it, i wonder how atsumu will react to suna impregnating mari. i imagine he would say ‘dude wtf?! she chose you! how could you?!’ i know he is happy with his gf but can’t help to be caring as ever to y/n.

reading chps 7-9 in one go was a pleasant experience 1.because school😔🤢 2.angst is way more comforting than comedy 3.no more anxious thoughts of why and how this happened because at this point, i’m just playing hidden mickey here. but i truly love the story, can’t believe it’s already ending by the next update. saerennn i hope ur okay bub?🥺 and get that hashbrowns after finishing the series or while working for the last track. u deserve it!! luv u~💕💕

🍳

my egg anon, hello !! I’m so sorry for the late response, my asks were piled up and I got busy with school :<

AND AAAAAH THANK YOU I’M SO HAPPY YOU GOT THE MESSAGE OF THE CHERRY BLOSSOMS!! it was actually taken from the music video I linked back to the end of the chapter and my friend and I were discussing it because I think there were lots of symbolism on it. the one about new beginnings because the cherry blossoms only come for a certain time of the year before a new season comes also represents how YN and Suna keep going back and forth to loving, getting complicated, forgiving, getting complicated and so on and so forth. I love everything you said because it was exactly how I wanted the story to be like <33 the part about being anxious too !! that’s why YN keeps saying ‘this cycle never ends.’ and YESSSS THAT’S ALSO WHY I CHOSE BROKEN RECORDS AS THE TITLE. the ‘records’ refer to them playing love songs and then apology songs to each other over and over but then the song stops and they start to have new stories :<<

oooooh yes, totally. judging from my own experience, I can tell too whether it’s love or infatuation. when I’m with someone I love, I feel totally at peace and safe with them. it’s comfortable, it’s not supposed to be scary or nerve wracking. even if something wrong happened, you’re assured by the knowledge they’d be patient and listen to you. AND THIS PART WHERE YOU SAID THIS ABOUT SUNA ‘whether she has that rose-tinted glasses on or not, identifying the blaring red flags is hard to accept notice if that same marker is the one that brings her comfort due to its familiarity’ ITS 100% ACCURATE. same goes for suna tbh. YN was the one who broke his heart when they broke up but she was also the only able to comfort him. it’s hard for them to let each other go because they’re both a source of pain and familiarity that they struggle to find in this world. yes there’s some slight foreshadowing in how suna reacted with mari. he was on edge and he didn’t know what to do most of the time because he doesn’t understand mari the same way he understands YN. as for him being on edge, he most definitely was tiptoeing because mari placed a lot of boundaries such as keeping YN completely out of the picture and making her presence a bare minimum.

NOOOO BECAUSE THAT’S SO TRUE. Nagisa is always updated with YN. YN is the one who updates her about her life because she’s always trying to make conversation, but Nagisa pretends to be ‘uninterested’ although don’t let that fool you because she remembers every little detail just in case she can use it against her half sister. nagisa and mari met after mari broke up with suna in ch1 so yes, nagisa already knew the situation !! that’s why she called YN a ‘whore’ because if she ‘was with Suna’ then why is she also ‘dating’ Kita? so in nagisa’s eyes, YN is just the same as her mom.

lucy was half and half. sometimes she has good intentions but most of the time she’s also just messed in the head and she really fucked with YN’s trust issues. HMMM I WANTED A BACKGROUND STORY FOR SUNA TOO TBH but I didn’t know where to fit it and I didn’t want to add random, unnecessary details :<< AND FOR ATSUMUUUUU…. atsumu crushed on YN real hard… until now, even though he has a gf (now wife in the timeskip) you can tell he still cares about YN

NAUUUR angst is way more comforting than comedy sobs. and yes baby, I’m doing okay !! just a lil busy with uni work but nothing I can’t handle <33 THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS EGG ANON, I REALLY LOVE HEARING YOUR THOUGHTS ON IT BECAUSE YOU HAVE SUCH A BIG BRAIN AHHH I love you, stay safe too bb <33

[ryttu3k]

Already finished Coteries of New York, so on to Shadows of New York! I’ve seen the first bit in an LP, at least, but the bulk of the story will be new. This will have two playthroughs, one for each ending, since at least it has them XD First up - the ‘good’ ending!

Oh dang I like the music.

Julia is a bit on the edgy/cynical side XD

Yeah, she’s got a shit deal :-\ And what’s worse is that it’s all planned out.

Interesting note - at Lodestar, there were shadowy figures in the background, but you could rationalise it as people on the other side of the windows. On the train, you only see the shadowy features, and it’s otherwise empty, so no obvious figures casting them...

I guess if you choose the ‘don’t shoot’ option, Julia gets drained and it’s an early game over?

God that Embrace scene is intense. I got goosebumps!

Spirits, huh? Oh yeah, Obtenebration became Oblivion and is now connected with necromancy, IIRC?

I’m glad she had a good few nights XD;;

Valerie Duval, she was... the scourge in CoNY hunting down the Red Hook killer?

Nice to meet you, ‘Katherine Wiese’ XD

Cool ponytail, Qadir! I really dig the relationship between him and Julia, it’s fun. ‘sup Aisling, how’s Agathon? A blood hunt, really? Y O U. Okay yeah probably better for Julia’s long-term survival for Arturo to ignore her XD;; Samira’s so pretty. Ooh this guy is Hope’s sire, yeah?

“You wanted to hear about which member of New York City's Camarilla I dislike the most?"

"Yes?"

"Too bad. They're all my dear colleagues, and I deeply respect every single one of them."

"Sure you do. Wouldn't want to blurt out something that could lock you out of Mr Vanderweyden's legal services, would you, you ass-kisser?"

"I do expect to find myself in need of a good defense attorney when my broke, incompetent, and foul-mouthed assistant finally pushes me over the edge."

THEMST.

Benoit hi!! “Got any news about Sophie Langley?” *sharp intake of breath* Benoit backstory, that’s rad. I wonder if it’ll be uncovered in-game? Like we know Arturo is still around, Panhard is still around. Presumably Adelaide Davis is still around. Callihan... well, I know what happens to him. I think Torque ditches the scene before Sophie dies?

Father Leonard seems like a good sort. I wonder what his deal is?

Dakota is adorable. I’m going to do the ‘good’ end first even though I know it’ll make me feel horrible, but dangit, the ‘bad’ end is totally going to be my canon.

...Vin Diesel? XD

DING DONG THE DOUCHE IS DEAD. ...Deader than usual, I mean.

jfc Panhard that is pretentious as hell. Both the party description and the costume, actually XD Qadir’s mask is kind of funky. Oh my god Arturo you are a Toreador is that the best you can come up with?! Nice horns, Aisling.

...Thought, given their clans, Samira/Aisling could be interesting as hell.

Man, Arturo and Panhard must be pissed off XD Unless they’ve already picked their replacement stooge?

And here’s where the plot starts! Hey, isn’t that the priest’s house? Ohh, they’re meant to be meeting with Mia. I guess they’re just reusing assets.

“It’s a list of four names. ‘D’Angelo. Hope. Agathon. Tamika.’“ *SHARP INTAKE OF BREATH* Okay, that could be the list Sophie gave the fledgling. Which one did Callihan get it from?

Oh criminy Dakota don’t tell me you’re into that Q-Anon shit XD;; Ooh okay that makes more sense. Neat.

Ahhh man I was hoping to get a lead and instead Julia has to punish this poor fuck XD;; Yeesh. Okay, Bunny as a Reporter it is, then.

Almost run over by a limo, huh? *chinstroke*

Oooh this is the lead to Hope! Yeah, I’d say she has a connection with a Montgomery XD Wonder if she did end up eating her? Huh, contact used LeakyGutSyndrome... didn’t Hope end up having to retire that one, or was it the other one? Let’s just... Dominate this guy. Sorry dude it’s for your own good.

Agathon’s missing? :( Damn, he’s like one of the only decent Tremere. Oho, a diary! Oh sweetheart :( Oh, Silvia died :( Damn, interesting past, though... and a reference to CoNY again.

Fucking shadows, I literally glanced over my shoulder.

S C H E M E S. And yeah, looks like I’m on my way to the ‘good’ end :-\

Oh shit, Adelaide or.... whatshisname, Kaiser’s dude? Oooh man who to meet first... Kaiser’s dude. Oh. That was a bit anticlimactic XD

On to see Hope at Double Spiral. I think this is one of those choices that leads to one of the endings, so what’s more ruthless and Camarilla... busting in it is.

Nastya isn’t having a good night, is she XD;; Also Hope’s suit is badass.

...huh. Sounds like she’s actually managed to get shit sorted decently XD

Interesting... the coterie members were a list of heroes for hire that multiple people had, including Sophie. Well, that widens the scope a bit! Anonymous information broker, shall I assume that’s Kaiser? OH. No, it’s her sire!

“The story going around is, he left me alone and I hate his guts. Well, at least half of that is true.” Which half, though...

Aww man I wish I had saved some of those websites! I miss SciFiVine...

You know, I’m not 100% sure Carter’s the murderer (my main suspect is Arturo at this point tbh) but damn, the bit about Stern’s show kinda makes me want to slap him anyway XD;;

Queer Catholic blues, huh :-\

“Haven’t you noticed what’s going on in the news? People are going absolutely insane about this virus, cancelling trips and orders and --” Ahh. We’re in that 2020 XD;;

Okay the scene with the kid meeting his girlfriend was cute but then spooky time?? jfc was that the Abyss?!

Ooooh did she just find Tamika solely by accident? Thanks, Abyss XD I love how Julia’s first response is ‘shit, she’s hot’. And she took out a whole SI squad herself? Nice. Calebros mention! Huh, so the SI are maintaining the status quo... they became an issue because the Camarilla tried to sic them on the Anarchs and Sabbat and it backfired, maybe it actually succeeded here?

Ooh, a history with Torque. Neat. Also not sure with the art, but are those tattoos on Tamika’s arm, or fur? I mean, Gangrel beast marks and all.

Sorry Torque I’m just trying to get the ‘good’ end :(

Mention of the fledgling! Officially ‘disappeared’, that leaves it fairly ambiguous at this point.

Oof. The Circulatory System are... not cool. And yeah Julia’s just been called tf out, I do look forward to this scene in the ‘bad’ end XD;;

COVID strikes back. The Big Beat Burger is closed :( Charlie is sweet, at least! I hope his mom is okay.

Well that rat bit was weird. Hi D’Angelo! Oh my god blood doll rats? Drunk blood doll rats?! Still a damn good detective, though, that’s good shit. On to Kaiser and some answers! ...Yeah, okay, he’s a prime suspect too.

Kaiser, you are a deeply unpleasant person :-\

...good to know pepper spray still works. And, uh, probably satisfying to beat him up XD;; And yeah, there’s the last choice for the ‘good’ ending. Sorry dude.

...huh. Okay, I was at least partially right XD;; Oh Qadir, not you too :-\

Well that’s a bit... weird of Dakota, yes.

lmao oh Benoit you absolute mess. Religion as A E S T H E T I C XD I have a theory he’s from Michael’s line and I also quite sincerely believe that Michael would take one look at him and bitchslap him into the next millennium. He’s a Path follower, isn’t he?

Father Leonard is okay. I wonder who the ‘friend’ is?

This is very Agatha Christie, revealing the killer in the midst, except I have the horrible feeling Qadir’s going to go with ‘it was suicide’ and not ‘it was everyone’.

Denouement! Before it ends, Julia’s traits:

Loyal only to myself

Glass half-empty

A little abuse of power never hurt nobody

You can’t be a writer and not lie

The ends justify the means (duh)

Honestly she may have just blackmailed her way into power, set up Carter to take the fall, and sent poor Dakota to final death, but the drama was impeccable XD Good luck not ending up in the Abyss, Julia!

[innittowinit]

Abandoned amusement parks are the best place for young children (Chapter 19)

Fic summary: 

Techno, Tommy, Wilbur and Phil have been hanging out at the abandoned amusement park in the woods since they moved in. Techno likes knowing he's definitely alone with his brothers Tommy likes climbing on the old rides Wilbur likes having a place to play his music Phil likes spending time with his younger brothers

That is, until a group of brothers calling themselves the 'dream team' move in down the road. Will the sleepy boys give in and share the park or will they succeed in scaring the new kids off?

Chapter summary:

Eret's been acting...strange Techno senses somethings definitely off

Chapter word count: 1726

AO3

Friendships were a complex thing. Techno had known that as long as he could remember. People come and people go, it was nothing, especially not to him or Wilbur. Inherently, they knew all they had was each other, maybe their other brothers would also always be with them but what they had together was a special bond. Neither Phil nor Tommy would ever be able to understand them the way they understood each other and that was fine, they had lived every day side by side, they shared almost all their core memories and so their rationality was incredibly similar because of it, meaning they could very easily understand each other. 

Never had they asked for a friend that would feel the same way as the friendship they had with each other, and yet they always seemed to be asking for too much. That’s the part that confused Techno. 

Never had they needed to be understood. Never had they needed something complex. All they needed was someone to accept them so why did it feel like everyone always ended up leaving? Were they the problem? It always felt like they were trying so hard so why did it feel like they were pushing people away? 

You see, recently Eret had been acting….off. 

He had been stumbling over words, fidgeting, leaving quickly with the excuse of ‘being late for something’, and taking hours to reply to any kind of message. Each of these things would be fine on their own but with them all together, they felt a little strange. 

It didn’t seem like Wilbur had noticed the recent shift in behaviour yet so Techno didn’t dare bring it up, it wasn’t uncommon that he was overly cautious and he didn’t want to risk upsetting his brother over something that might not even be a big deal, especially when he had just started to get over the incident with the ticket booth. 

“So....He’s been busy a lot lately” Wilbur sighed, draping himself across the couch and clutching his phone in one hand. Niki had insisted they add some stickers onto it since letting them live off a ‘boring flip phone’ (as she had called it) was apparently not okay.

“Do you think he’s okay? Maybe something’s going on at home..”

Oh. Techno was positive everything was okay at home. Of course there was a possibility that he was just being protective of Wilbur because he didn’t want anyone hurting his brother but seriously! In his opinion, if you had enough money to eat fucking burger king as a school lunch you were doing fine financially, and really, that’s all that mattered right? Money had always been the reason why their parents were never around.

It was probably just his jealousy talking but he had always had a bit of an underlying anger for people with a big disposable income, how was it fair that their parents had to work so much at minimum wage jobs that they could hardly see them just to keep them warm and fed and yet other families could have their parents around by the time they were home from school /and/ have extra money for treats.

“Wil, don’t worry about him.” Techno sighed, trying to choose his words carefully. He knew Wilbur was always more sensitive to rejection than him.

“He’s more..social than we are, he probably just has other friends that he doesn’t want to ignore or something”

“Maybe.. I wish he’d tell us though, I don’t like being left on read” 

With a sigh and a gentle prod for him to sit up a bit more, Techno wrapped an arm around Wilbur, feeling how he melted into the contact straight away. Of course it hurt Techno too to be ignored by the one person they thought actually could be a good friend but he needed to put on a brave face for Wilbur. Of course it felt like a stab in the gut to have trusted someone so much to be able to start talking to them and then they just disappear but Wilbur needed him right now, it was obvious to anyone that he was the one with the bigger connection issues. 

“Wil, trusting people is a part of being friends. We can talk to him tomorrow alright? And we can explain that it would make you feel better if he said his plans before disappearing”

-----

It was Tuesday night and other than a few memes she had screenshotted off of instagram and sent them, they hadn’t really heard much at all from Eret. She hadn’t hung around them long enough at school for either of them to really bring it up with her and honestly, Techno was getting incredibly worried about what was going on. He’d never had a real friend like this before, of course Skeppy always made him laugh but he was family so he didn’t count, if he messed up with family he knew as long as they weren’t adults they’d still love him afterwards, friends worked differently though. He had his Hypixel friends too but they didn’t count either since they were online and he could type to them on days when he was struggling more. By now he’d known them so long they were basically family, they’d all taken hours out of their own time to research Techno’s problems to try and be as accommodating as possible- all in all he really couldn't compare them with Eret.

It was tricky and he knew communication was one of the more important parts, which was ironically what he struggled with the most. Maybe on one of his worse-off days, where he normally would have had Wilbur doing most of the talking for him, Eret had assumed he was angry with her or giving her the silent treatment, maybe she had taken offence to the fact that Wilbur and Techno were very obviously closer than she was with each one of them. The thought that somehow they might have made her feel left out made him feel a little sick, had they not explained well enough what had led to this point? Maybe it was selfish for them to relish in the fact that she rarely bugged them for explanations.

All in all, Techno was sure they had done something for the sudden shift in attitude and, not wanting to make Wilbur feel worse than he already did, he wasn’t sure who could help him. 

Maybe he could wait up until his parents got home? People on TV were always getting advice from them but then again.. His family wasn’t really like those on tv, if he was being honest he was half sure he’d be yelled at for being awake before he could have a chance to ask for help. 

He could also ask Phil, but then again Phil was already beyond stressed trying to make sure they were all okay, he really didn’t want to bother him. Niki was closer to Wilbur than she was with him and he was sure his hypixel friends were all still at school because of the time zone difference. 

The only other person he could really think of talking to about this was Skeppy, and so, hopping out of bed, trying his hardest not to make too much noise and wake up Wilbur, he made his way to the PC. 

11:36PM 

From what he knew, Skeppy usually stayed up late and slept so late he often missed his bus anyway so he probably was still up.

Clicking onto discord, he breathed a sigh of relief as he saw the green dot next to his cousin's icon, immediately messaging him. 

11:36 OrphanDestroyer: Hey nerd

11:36 OrphanDestroyer: U awake?

It took a few minutes for him to answer, Techno was just about ready to give up and accept he had just chosen the one night he may have gone to bed on time to try and message him.

11:42 japanesesymbolforbeginner: 1 sec ina call wiv bbh 

Writing ‘bbh’ off as one of Skeppy’s friends he had forgotten to tell them about, Techno waited patiently for Skeppy to say he was free. 

11:46 japanesesymbolforbeginner: ok im done, what you need

11:46 OrphanDestroyer: SO

11:46 OrphanDestroyer: Do you remember Eret?

11:48 OrphanDestroyer: Okay well basically for like the past few days he’s been ignoring me and Wilbs and I’m really really worried we offended him or something like maybe we hurt him or he’s mad or maybe he decided he's too good to be friends with us which tbh I don't blame him for because we kinda are losers and maybe people won't be friends with him because he's friends with us or something? Idk idk I just really wish he’d tell us something because like Wil is freaking out and idk what to tell him, he really struggles with this kinda stuff and I wanna help but idk how. 

11:48 japanesesymbolforbeginner: Ok...fuck

11:48 japanesesymbolforbeginner: Has he replied to any messages or anything? Maybe he’s busy?

11:48 OrphanDestroyer: Not really 

11:49 japanesesymbolforbeginner: Okay okay so here’s what I think you should do

11:49 japanesesymbolforbeginner: If he’s ignoring you you're gonna need to confront him next time you see him and don’t just agree when he makes an excuse to leave, like say you NEED to talk

11:50 japanesesymbolforbeginner: If u think he’s offended bc sometimes you don't speak a lot maybe just message him some resources or whatever on the type of mutism you deal with, even if he doesn’t reply he’ll probably still open it.

11:50 japanesesymbolforbeginner: like he might just be in the position where he’s nervous he’ll offend you if he asks something about it? Like maybe he doesn't understand fully and he just needs one of you to open the discussion 

11:50 OrphanDestroyer: okay you're probably right

11:50 OrphanDestroyer: There’s a link I have to one I normally email teachers whenever we have a new one so i'll probably send him that

11:50 OrphanDestroyer: Tomorrow though, my dads gonna be home soon and he’ll kill me if im still awake 

11:51 japanesesymbolforbeginner: aight, night Techno, good luck and btw you're all always welcome to come over if things get tense over there with ur parents

[normal-thoughts-official]

Thoughts on Maryse actually earning a redemption? I liked her character post redemption but the whole arc felt rushed, unearned, and too easy. Especially with her victims (both her children and downworlders like Magnus) forgiving her so easily like she didn't do anything that bad...

oh mood. i actually have lowkey conflicted feelings on the whole maryse thing because like, on the one hand, they didn't do the thing i hate the most with this kind of "arc" - having the character b like "sorry that i was an asshole" and then continue to be an asshole but not on purpose this time and so it's fine now. on the other hand, they did the opposite - maryse did actually change and become a non-abusive person, but it didn't fucking make sense and she basically never bothered to acknowledge that she was a uhhhh terrible fucking person

there's also lowkey projection feelings that make me a little fond of maryse, like, damn, i wish my mom just decided one day that transphobia isn't sexy and completely changed overnight. u know? lmao

but anyway yeah i do have thoughts on a maryse redemption arc that doesn't suck ass. especially because i think there are elements that could make a cohesive story if the show actually, like, bothered with them. i'll warn u that i'll mostly ignore the cheating plotline because 1- it has kinda yikes vibes like "oh she's suffered now so we have to forgive her", and 2- i don't really care about cheating plotlines tbh. like rationally i can understand that it's essentially betrayal of an agreement, but emotionally, i simply don't understand why anyone would give a fuck lol i just can't connect emotionally with it in any way so it feels very abstract and forced for me to write about

so i think the starting point for her redemption would be her being deruned. so i’m gonna start from there, and just assume that everything that went down before the announcement of her deruning was the same

i say the deruning because like.... her entire life, this was her absolute top priority. being a shadowhunter. being a part of that society. upholding these values. being essentially shadowhunter royalty. and now, she's lost that. and she's forced to look back at everything that she did without the looming threat of her losing what she's been working so hard for (since she already did) and it suddenly feels way clearer

not that like oh she never realized how shitty she was! she fucking knew how shitty she was. there's no way she didn't. she manipulated her children, she purposefully humiliated them and withheld affection, she hurt them, she participated in genocide, she killed people, and she did it with the intent of doing all those things. but i think - especially with the part about that her children - that the way she looked at this was always distorted by the fact that the clave/the lightwood name/her position of power and prestige took precedence. also, the constant threat that she would lose that meant that she could justify it to herself saying that it was what she had to do. now, she can no longer do that, because it's already happened. and guess what? life went on now that she's deruned. so she's forced to look at everything that she did for her position as a shadowhunter from a distance this time, because her goals are unattainable now, and that means she can look at it more rationally, especially since she ran out of excuses. and here's the picture: none of it was worth it

and i'm talking about her children specifically. the literal fascism shit is more complicated since like, she is a radical racist and i don't think she would see a problem with that, tbh. she has no reason to care about that, yet

so okay, she's looking back and she realizes not only that her excuses for her behavior were made of paper, but also that her priorities were all fucked up, because now that she's deruned, it isn't that in itself that hurts her the most. it's the fact that she's alone

and again, i don't mean that like, boo hoo, poor her. that was the consequence of her own actions and honestly good for all the people in her life that they didn't feel obligated to give her emotional support when she was out there ruining their lives

what i do mean is that this is what moves her to want to change and mend things, if anything, because she wants comfort

and initially she would be super fucking selfish and shitty about it, because like..... obviously, maryse was selfish. she might have said "lightwood name" this and that, but let's be real here, she wasn't even born a lightwood to care all that much about that. it was about her, her power, her prestige. if overnight the lightwood name stopped being a symbol of status she would drop it like a hot potato, she held it close to her chest because it meant ascension for her personally. she manipulated her children and drew away her friends and supported genocide for herself, not out of some obligation with the concept of lightwoodship or whatever

she would try to "mend" her relationship with her children for herself, and it would show. robert would probably drop her like a hot potato too after the deruning, lbr, and i don't think she cared all that much about him anyway, so i'll focus on izzy, alec, and jace. jace is kind of weird since she was never shown to abuse him, but she also was willing to throw him on the trash when she found out he was valentine's kid, so. but overall i think he would be the one to mend his relationship with her more easily, but also - jace is just as selfish as her and even more self centered, so she wouldn't get a lot of support/satisfaction out of that relationship

so she tries to make things better with alec and izzy and they're both like... lol. especially alec because as we've seen he had no qualms about being completely ruthless with maryse once he broke out of her claws (good for him!) and while izzy had this whole "i don't care about maryse" facade.... she did, honestly. like she was visibly hurt by maryse not hugging her despite that being expected, and maryse's presence there in itself was enough for her body language to completely change. when izzy wanted to prove that she could be mature, she emulated maryse's style. so i think, especially since izzy was obviously the fuckup kid, that a part of her is kind of desperate to get any sort of approval or affection from maryse

but that doesn’t mean that she’s going to humiliate herself for maryse, and she also gets some satisfaction in being able to flip the tables and be the one to reject her, for once. and alec is straight up like... “you never gave us any support, but now that you’ve lost everything, you want it from us? i’m just doing what you taught us, mother”

i think jace would probably be the one to be like “oh, come on, alec, she wasn’t that bad” almost scoffing at the idea and it’s just like... “between what she did to me, izzy, and magnus, she has to work a lot harder if she wants my forgiveness” and maryse is kind of taken aback because tbh up to this point she hadn’t given any thought whatsoever to what she did to magnus or downworlders in general

she’s probably kind of appalled by the idea tbh

but she also starts to like... lowkey... get it? i mean obviously she’s not a downworlder and she’ll never suffer what downworlders went through, but now that shadowhunter society has turned her back on her, now that she’s become depised by them too, she has a tiny little taste of what it feels like, and it’s not nice

especially cuz like, again... robert would drop her like a hot potato lol and like i don’t even blame him cuz she wasn’t exactly a great wife either and maryse would have done the same, i don’t think either of them ever had any illusions when it came to their marriage tbh. but robert uses her exact m.o. against her (since well, it was his, too) and that means that she gets to feel at least a little bit of forced sympathy for the people she’s done the same thing to

so i think she would come to luke (no i’m not going a lukemaryse route keep calm)

and luke is kind of like... well, i was waiting for this to happen. you know, because he is the one to comes closest to having been in maryse’s situation, since he’s also an ex-shadowhunter - except worse because he’s been turned downworlder, not just mundane

and it’s the first time she actually shows some level of empathy because she’s kind of like “i was just wondering... how did you deal with it when they... when all of us... turned our backs on you?” and she apologizes for that and that shocks luke because he didn’t expect it 

and it’s easier for luke to forgive her because 1- it’s been a while; 2- they aren’t super close; 3- luke was also a fascist so like lmao; 4- there is one (1) person who understands what he went through, kinda. again not really because being a downworlder is way worse than mundane but who else comes close?

and look i’m not saying they become best friends or anything but they have a good talk about what it was like, and maryse is again forced to meet her own shittiness dead in the eye because when luke talks about what he went through when he was Turned, well, maryse was there. and now she is basically forced to empathize with him, who was on the other side, and see herself as the tormentor that other people are being to her now

and like again it’s not like she didn’t know that she was a shitty ass person and what she was doing was terrible but now all the walls he had put up to avoid acknowledging that are straight up torn down

she apologizes and he just kind of shrugs because it’s not like he’s gonna be like “yeah np lol” and this is not the kind of thing that you resolve easily, especially after such a long time, so it’s awkward. but again, he doesn’t exactly resent her anymore either, he’s more kind of... neutral i guess. like he made his peace with it a long time ago and an apology from one of the people involved is way more than he ever expected to get, so

also maryse doesn’t cry her woes because she is way too proud for that, which means that luke doesn’t have to deal with her Shadowhunter Tears on top of everything else. it’s more the opposite, really, it’s luke who talks and maryse who listens, and for the first time, luke gets to talk about how he felt about being turned and shunned without... i don’t want to say fear, but like, reservation? because obviously talking about this with a downworlder is worse and more awkward and more painful. because maryse was essentially worse than him, he gets to talk about it without shame, if that makes sense? and he also gets to say everything he’s always wanted to say to shadowhunters/circle members in general, and it does him good

they go their separate ways and luke is left feeling emotionally exhausted from reopening that wound but also like its scar has faded further, you know? and maryse is starting to actually genuinely want to be better, not just to convince people to not leave her

also, luke is by far the one who treated her best up to this point, so she feels a little lighter, even if it was far from a good interaction

i think the next she would go to would be magnus?? kinda?? like not right away of course, this isn’t shtv so i’m going with a long timeline that involves plenty of her living as a mundane and Thinking About What She’s Done and trying to find a purpose for her life now

i guess she would have that fucking shop? so there’s that. and in that time she gets to meet some mundanes and make tentative local-shop-owner/client sorta friendships and talk about what she went through in vague terms and get some advice that might actually be useful

anyway, magnus! so she would go to magnus because he’s one of the downworlders (and her experience with luke makes her think that they are more likely to forgive her since they weren’t close) but mostly because she wants to win alec over and she knows that will never ever happen if she isn’t nice to magnus. she’s racist, not stupid

magnus doesn’t let her into the loft, but he also doesn’t close the door on her face. from previous scenes (mostly max’s rune ceremony thing) we know that magnus is at least willing to try to have some sort of truce for alec’s sake, but there’s that, and there’s maryse marching into his home like nobody’s business expecting forgiveness when she directly killed at least a few people magnus cared about and/or was responsible for protecting

also it’s transparent that she’s doing it for alec, so magnus is like “while it is nice to know that you care this much about alexander... i can’t just forgive you” and she is a little outraged, but she leaves without making a fuss

meanwhile magnus is just emotionally depleted even from this very short interaction with her, because she’s just... too much

lowkey has a depression day after that because that is way too much and he’s just kind of in a slump, feeling empty and reliving the worst memories of the people he’s lost in that war. alec notices and magnus is vague about it, just like “maryse.... visited” and alec wants him to talk about it but magnus is not going to talk about everything alec’s mom did to him cuz she’s like... still alec’s mom. so it’s awkward and heavy but they both lowkey comfort each other for the rest of the day and cuddle and shit

also there’s max! with max it’s a little different because he’s not going to like, straight up not want to talk to maryse, and his relationship with her seemed to be a little different from the others anyway. he was still heavily influenced by her ideals, and even with the dirvorce/distancing/idk, obviously she and robert are still like, sharing the custody. and she asks max about alec and izzy (as well as jace when they get to talk) and max is very blunt about it too, very “they’re still pissed at you” and she’s like gee kid thanks, i know that, but how are they. are they ok?

and again max is a nosy bitch so whenever he sees alec and izzy he’s like “mom keeps asking how you guys are doing. she wanted to know about izzy’s new project” and izzy is shocked like “since when does she know about my projects?” and max shrugs like “idk” 

and again, emotionally exhausting. especially when eventually max starts to say that maryse also asked how magnus was doing, and that hits alec like a billion bricks, because maryse is acknowledging their relationship? without him like, basically threatening her? lmao

cue their own version of depression days/weird coping mechanisms because they don’t know how to deal emotionally with this. izzy would probably throw herself headfirst into work like “emotions what emotions haha never heard of that anyway check out this corpse” and alec... shoots arrows until his hands bleed, as usual

because look, it’s hard, and i say that from firsthand experience. even the thought that your prejudiced parents might change gives hope. and alec had always been so loyal to family, to him, it was family before everything else, and that included maryse. and yes, he was manipulated by her, but he also did value family and he had some good moments, or moments that he saw as good (like the whole guy whose nose he broke thing) with her. so it’s just like... a lot of conflict because he kind of wants to turn his back on her and has been ever since he came out, but there’s a lot of emotions swirling inside of him

again magnus sees his bloodied hands and he heals them softly, asking him what happened. and alec is like “maryse is asking max about us” and magnus is like “oh” and again, alec is not going to go into the details of his relationship with his mom who killed magnus’ people, so it’s a little silent and awkward again, but they can again draw comfort from each other just from being together in silence and cuddling and shit

me? talking about malec cuddling in a maryse post? it’s more likely than you think

for a while alec and izzy do this weird dance around each other where they’re both like “you’re overworking yourself, want a break?” without actually acknowleding it because they know that if they actually tried they would both just keep uno +4 carding each other like “oh so why don’t you talk about how you feel?” “well why don’t you talk about how you feel?” “well but why don’t you talk abou-” 

i think izzy might be the one to break first. if anything, because alec’s Big Brother instincts mean that he doesn’t want to come to her to cry his woes, because he feels like He Should Be The One To Protect Her. and she’s like “alec, i’m not a child, you can talk to me. and if we aren’t going to face this together, who are we going to face it with?” and alec just looks at her with that intense stare and izzy goes, “i feel disappointed in myself because a part of me is so happy that she finally cared about something i was creating” and just like that, alec’s walls are gone

he finally gets to really talk about how he feels with the whole maryse and magnus thing and admit that a part of him is also happy that she asked and that it sucks and he hates it and feels weak, basically 

lightwood siblings mutual support because we are all about that shit! who’s maryse again

anyway max is kinda their bridge for a while, not even intentionally, but alec and izzy get to get used to the idea that maryse is trying because he tells them about it and he gets to see the small changes in maryse’s behavior you know? and so alec and izzy hear about that

it’s also probably because of max that they get to see her again, i mean, they are all family. and they’re both kinda bracing for some emotionally loaded interactions at the very least 

but instead she has like kind of accepted that they don’t feel comfortable with her and that it’s her fault for using them instead of protecting them most of their lives so she leaves them be beyond the pleasantries and they find themselves... relaxing? not enough to talk to her but just to be able to breathe in her presence which is already a lot

so this goes on for a while. also, maryse does end up genuinely trying to help in the anti-valentine crusade, but like, she’s respectful about it? she definitely isn’t taking charge or going after downworlders when they couldn’t trust her, but she has A- intel because she knew him for most of his life and can help predict what he thinks (as can luke) and B- fierceness and willingness to do what he’s told. the fact that whenever a downworlder like luke or magnus tells her what to do she just nods and does as she’s told earns her a lot of points. she also doesn’t demand their trust in any way and doesn’t ask for any information so that helps even if of course it’s still tense for everyone involved. but maryse understands and acknowledges this. in this case the shadowhunter training also helps because she is very used to dealing with following orders, not being told things, and tense/uncomfortable environments lol so that means that she can be there without putting her shadowhunter fragility all over the place or demanding things she doesn’t have the right to

also whenever people ask her why she’s doing this (which happens frequently since you know. why does maryse lightwood care) she says that just accepting her punishment is not enough to undo her mistakes. she is responsible for this mess and it’s on her to help take it down as well as she possibly can

so slowly she starts to gain trust? and slowly her relationship with them both mends

i’m unsure whether alec or izzy would forgive her first. a part of me wants to say izzy because again, i feel like she is really desperate for maryse’s approval, while alec’s whole thing is that he's over needing it. i mean obviously alec is still human and like i said, a family man, so of course he also wants maryse to approve of him and them both to have a good relationship even if he hates that he does. but he’s been working too hard to break out of needing to be on maryse’s good books to start now. in a way, having maryse’s approval is almost triggering because he’s coming to associate maryse’s pride on him with his own suffering

but on the other hand, alec is a family man, and he was closer to maryse than izzy, so i could also see him being the one to forgive her first. maybe he is the one who gets back to talking to her first, but izzy is the one who once starts mending their relationship lowers her guard for real? while alec still has like... snappy and defensive tendencies (which are perfectly valid and healthy of him to have)? you know? like once izzy is like fine let’s give her a chance she actually does, while alec takes a long, long time to lower his guard, and that only happens like, way after valentine is defeated and magnus starts feeling more comfortable around maryse (obviously magnus and maryse won’t ever be BFFs, but over time he can handle her presence, you know? make small talk, have a sorta “i have my mom-in-law but what can we do” dynamic)

and yeah those are my thoughts? it takes some years for them to actually have a good relationship but it builds slowly and maryse does do her homework as much as possible so that’s nice

again, thank you so much for this question and i hope you like my answer

EDIT: here's some more on alec's response to the whole thing. thank you, anon!

[bluesfm]

(  park  chaeyoung  ,  twenty two  ,  &  cisfemale  )  who  ?  these  days  ,  it’s  all  about    blue hyong,  who  comes  from    los  angeles  &  ca    and  is  making  headlines  as  a    singer    .    she   currently  has  a  fan  count  of  42k    ,  no  thanks  to  the  rumors  of  them  being  inflexible  !  but  ,  on  the  other  hand  ,  their  most  devout  fans  say  they’re  actually    imaginative    .  last  i  heard  ,  they  caused  quite  a  buzz  when    she   publicly   dissed    her  new   record    label  and   the   misogynistic  treatment   she  was   receiving   from   their  reps  !  it’s  no  wonder  they  remind  me  of    long   rants   in  the  notes  app   being  posted   to  her   twitter  account  ,  empty  bottles   of  wine  laying  at   recording   studios’   floors   &  notebooks   upon  notebooks   filled  with   lyrics   she  might   never  use   but   refuses   to   let   go  of   .  

well hello human friends !! n also hello to the non human friends too , wassup . i’m angie a  dumb  noodle  from  the  middle  of  the  south  american  jungle  , and i’m here to introduce yall to this mess i call blue  who’s  a muse i have had  for yrs now n carry w/ me wherever i go , with some minimal changes but she’s still the  same  messy  bitch  on the  inside  don’t  worry  folks !  so   i  will   provide  u w/  some  background  info  on   her  n  some   possible connections  under   the  cut . issa  lil messy  but  we’ve   been  away  for  a while   pls  bear  w me

blue  is  the  only  daughter  to  a  couple   of  south  korean  immigrants  that  came  to   america  when  they  were  in  their  very  early  20s  n  already  expecting  blue  in  order  to  chase  the  american  dream  n  create  a  better  life  for  themselves  n  their  family  .  their  life  was  pretty  hard  for  a  big  part  of  blue’s  childhood  ,  while  they  were  both  studying  n  working  odd  jobs  to  pay  for  their  education  all  the while  taking  care  of  a child .  so  blue  didnt  have  the  best  childhood  ,  not  that  her parents  were  bad  or  anything  they  just  didnt  have  time  for  her  . nowadays  ,  they  are  a  lot  more  comfortable  in  life  ,  since  her  dad  became  a  lawyer  n  her  mom  is  a  nurse  ,  but  they  definitely  didnt  have  an  easy  beginning  .

ok  so  maybe  bc  they  werent  present  durant  most  of  her  childhood  they  didnt  notice  a  lol  of  signs  that  might  have  made  things  a  lot  easier  for  them  ,  bc  by  the  time  they  were  available  to  emotionally  be  there  , during  her  early  teenage  years ,  blue  was  already  kinda  a  mess . she  had  grown  up  w  very  lil  structure  n  refused  the  rules  they  tried  to  instill  on  her  n  was  already  used  to  doing  things  her  own  way  .  that  lead  to  a  lot  of  conflict  between  them  ,  since  they  expected  her  to  study  hard  n  do  well  for  herself  in  a  nine to fiver  when  she  was  already  sure  art  was  the  only  way  to  go  n  while  she  did  ok  ,  she  definitely  wasn’t  as  good  as  her parents  expected  her  to  be .

so  ...  u  know   her  teenage  yrs  were  basic  girl  angsty  she  fought  a  lot  w  her  parents  n  rebelled  frequently  n  ran  away  from  home  like  ...  weekly  ,  but  she  never  rly  had  any  real  hardships  .  life  was  reasonably  good  but  she  always  had  something  to  complain  abt  ...  just  as  she  liked

[  MENTAL  ILLNESS  TW  ]

but  then  she  reached  her  late  teens    they  all  realized  there  was  something  going  on  other   than  the  usual  teenage  angst  she  displayed  all the time  when  she  had  her  first  manic  episode  .   her  parents  thought  it was  a  “  blue  thing  “  at  first  bc  she  was  usually  a  very  impulsive  person  n  she  rly  didn’t  have  a  habit  of  thinking  before  acting  on  her  impulses  ,   but  her  mom  quickly  noticed  the  signs  of  a  manic  episode  when  she  realized  how  aggitated  n   restless  she  was  , specially  when  blue  described  an   hallucination  she  seemed  to  be  having  .   they  took  her  to  a  psychiatrist  ,  she  was  admitted  to  a  hospital  n  diagnosed  w  type 1  bipolar  disorder  n  very  quickly  medicated .  while  the  medication  brought  her  out  of  her  episode  ,  n  she  was  allowed  to  go  home  after  her  mood  seemed  to stabilize  ,   blue  also  noticed  it  stunted  her  severely  emotionally  n  decided  (  against  medical  n  parental  advice  [  pls  dont  do  it  fam  !!  take  ur  meds  ]  )  to  quit  her  medication  ,  falling  into  her  first  major  depressive  episode  a  few  weeks  afterwards  . n  for  abt  four  years  she’s  been  living  w  her  disorder  ,  n  she  doesn’t  medicate  at  all  .  she’s  super  open  abt  her struggles  n  she  has  a  Lot  of  them  ,  specially  w  how  much  drugs  n  alcohol  she  consumes  .   i  never  said  she  was  smart  yall  .

[  END  OF  TW  ]

ok  so  as  u  probably  assume  ,   blue  is  an  emotional  mess  .  she  has  a   very  chaotic  personality  ,  n  most  of it  isnt  even  from  her  illness or  anything  she  just  is  a  very  chaotic  person  in  general  ?  she  is   one  of  those  artsy  ppl  who  forgets  to  wash  her  own  clothes  so  she  ends  up  wearing  the  same  dress for  like  ,  3 days .  she’s  super  outspoken  n  outgoing  n  rly easy  at  making  friends  if  u  can  get  past  the  dumbass energy  she  exudes 24/7  ?  but  yes  just  a  very  outgoing  person  n  a  outright  mess  most  of  the  time  .  she  is  also  soooo stubborn  u  will  never  get  her  to  change  her  mind  abt  smth  she  believes  to  be  right  about  in  any  way  .  u  just  cant  .  she  loves  a  good  time  n  loves  partying  n  is  the  lack  of  impulse  Queen  soo if  u  got  any  bad  ideas  she  is  the  one   u  should  go  for  if  u  need  any  company  .  also .... so dramatic  .  she  makes  a  big  deal  of  everything  n  has  0  apologies  abt  that  .  just  catch  her  crying  over  high  school  musical  3  or  smth  like  that  .

but  yea  on  the  bad  side  tho  ,  blue  takes  up  n  gives  up  on  projects  so  easily  n  she  can  be  super  fickle  abt  things  in  general  .  like  ,  she  will  defend  an  idea  for  7  hours  but  2  days  later  she’s  already  onto  smth  else  n  doesnt  even  remember  being  so  obsessive  abt  that  other  thing  ?  a  mess .  is  also  Quite  abrasive  ?  if  she  thinks  ur  acting  dumb  shes  not  gonna  be  scared  to  call u  out  on  it  .  can  also  have a  Reaally  explosive  temper  .  not  usually  but  specially  during  manic  episodes  she  can  be  quite  easy  to  annoy  ngl  .  is  very  unreliable  ,  especially  if ur not  too  close  ..  tbh  that  is  something  connected  to  her  disorder  .  when  she’s  on  a  manic  episode  ,  she  will be  too busy  planning  things  she  will  never  get  around  to  doing  or  painting  her  entire  house  or  spending  3  days  awake  n  drunk  writing  17  songs  by  herself  .  n  during  her  depression  is  very  hard  to  get  her  to  do  anything  n  even  if  she  feels  terrible  , she  rly  cant be  an  available  friend  .

in  regards  to  her  sexuality  ,  she’s  an  open  bisexual  and   also  is  a  crazy  romantic  n  falls  so  hard  for  literally  no  reason .  but  like  ...  doesnt  have  the  healthiest  mentality  for  relationships  ?  not  like  in  a  toxic  way  but  she  will usually  give  145%  of  herself  at  all times  n  honestly  believes  all  of  the  ppl  she  falls  for  are  the one (1)  just  wants  to  make  things  work  no  matter  what  .  she’s  v  impulsive  w/  meeting  n  falling  for  ppl  tho  so  things  dont  rly  end  up  working  n  she  always  ends  up  heartbroken  over it  .  Well  .  At least she’s  trying  right  ?

in regards  to  her  career  n  art  , she’s  posted  youtube  covers  n  original  songs  for  a  couple  years  and  gathered a  decent  following  ?  she  wasnt  huge  or  anything  but  she  did  get  a  record  deal  w  an  actual  big  label  out  of  it  a  few  months  ago  .  blue  was  pretty  happy  abt  it  but  then  when  the  recording  process  started  she  realized  they  werent  treating  her  as she  thought  she  deserved  at  all  ?  which  resulted  on her  taking  her  thoughts  to  some  reps  of  the  label  n  when  she  didn’t  feel  any  difference  in  the  way  she  was  being  treated  she  took  it  to  the public  ?  which  definitely  caused  quite a  sitr  bc  she  wasn’t  a  huge  name  but  she  was  big  enough  ?  so  now  she’s  in  some  considerable  trouble  w  her  label  but  Also  more  famous  than  ever  so  they  are  choosing  not  to  bury  her  for  now  ?  she’s  in  some  definite  trouble  though  so  it’ll  be  fun  to  see  what  happens  next  n  what  her  moves  will be  ?  spoiler  alert :  it’ll prob  be  smth  dumb.

i  still have  so  much  to  say  but  i’m  so lazy  wow .  dont  start  ur  intros  so  close  to opening  time  folks  thats  my  tip  as  an  old  internet  auntie  .  OK SO  ONTO  SOME  CONNECTIONS  NOW  

some label  mates  who  she  may  or  may  not  get  along  with  ?

hookups !!  she  prob  has  a  few  she  regrets  too   bc  who  doesnt  am i  right

best  friends !!  ppl  who  actually  support  her  n  she  loves  w  no restrictions  just  love  all  around  friends

exes </3  not  gonna  lie  i  have  some  sad  ideas  abt  this  one

good  influence  bc  blue  is  a  mess she  needs  one  of  those  pls  someone  slap  her  head  n  make  her  drink  some  water

a  fling  she  has  feelings  for  but  may  not  be  requited  ...  i  like  my  romantic  connections  to  be  angsty  did yall  notice

artistic  soulmate  !!  someone  her  artistic  bitch  side  just  vibes  with  ?  could  be  a  songwriter  or  singer or  anything  tbh

some   indecisive  romantic   shit where blue rly  knows  sh’s  too messy  n  this  person  is too amazing ?  but  they still  have  feels  so   ... now  what ?

this is  p  mcuh  it ??  it  has  taken so long  to  finish  this  i  hate  myself  but  HEY  if  u  like  blue  or  dislike  her  u  should  hit  me  up  so  we  can  come  up  w  some  plot  ideas  ?  i wish  i  had  a  quirky  goodbye  idea  but  my  brain  has  just  quit  working  guys  so  u  get  nothing  from  me  other than  a  good  old  fashioned goodbye  thanks  for ur  attention  i  love u

[angelbabylu]

Can We Just Talk? // AI

pairing: reader x ashton

warnings: angst, smut

word count: 9.1k

summary: lashton are brothers in this fic, reader & luke are best friends, reader is secretly fucking his brother

notes: about a month and a half ago i saw this picture of Luke and Ashton looking like brothers and i decided to write a smutty blurb about it. anyway here we are 9k later. this,,, is the filthiest thing i’ve ever written. its like only 4k actual plot the rest is smut. shout out to @baby-loba bc our hoe sessions inspired this fic tbh. It is only this nasty bc of you. also @aspiringwildfire for reading it & giving me advice before i posted. and @5sex-of-summa  for finding the picture for the fic (and @5sosnsfw for trying lol). love you all 

this fic is inspired by talk by khalid

--

The air turned heavy with anticipation. The second Luke got up and began walking away, both (Y/N) and Ashton had their eyes trained on his back, waiting for him to step out of view. When Luke rounded the corner, Ashton was on her. The hand that had previously been resting on her thigh crept closer to her heat and his mouth attached to her neck, lightly teasing the skin there.

“Fuck,” She groaned out, so overwhelmed she could barely keep her voice down. Silently, she thanked whatever deity was watching that the TV played loud enough to drown out her moans.

Moving to another spot on her neck, Ashton whispered, “You brought this upon yourself, baby girl.”  

1.

About three hours before, (Y/N) had received a text from Luke that simply asked movie night?

She had texted back immediately with yes!! can i stay the night?  

Movie nights had always been a staple of her and Luke’s relationship, but only recently had she begun getting so eager to spend the night. If Luke noticed, he hadn’t said anything. Perhaps he thought it had something to do with how lonely she got in that apartment by herself. That was only half of the truth.

The other half was that she liked what it meant for her and Luke’s older brother.

She had met Luke when they were both freshmen in Communication 101, bonding over their love for classic rock and their dreams of working in the music industry one day. She wanted to be in management and Luke wanted to produce music like his older brother. (Y/N) didn’t meet said brother until she followed Luke to LA, unable to fathom her life without him.

She remembered the day she met this brother very clearly. She was sweaty and disgruntled, unused to the boiling LA heat. Having been there for years already, he was seemingly unaffected.

The first thing he said to her was, “Are these yours or Luke’s?” signaling the boxes stacked on the right side of the U-Haul. As if she wasn’t hot enough, he had her flushing hotter. She could definitely see the family resemblance - the curly hair, the square jaw, the pronounced chin - but when he smiled, her heart reminded her that this was definitely not Luke.

“Those are Lu’s.”

“Cool,” he nodded. “I’m Ashton by the way.”

They lasted all of one year before they started fucking each other.

Luke, of course, had no idea. She and Ashton weren’t anything serious, so there was no need to concern Luke with the idea of sharing his best friend with his older brother or vice versa. And sometimes the struggle of always being around Luke, unable to touch each other, made their relationship even hotter. They were always finding ways to rile each other up without Luke noticing.

Like earlier that night, for example.

When she first got to the house, Luke was in the theater room flicking through movies on Amazon, while Ashton was in the kitchen preparing snacks. Instead of helping Luke with his choice, she lied, “I need to go to the bathroom,” and immediately made a beeline for the kitchen.

Ashton was standing with his back to her in a black sleeveless shirt, chopping a pineapple into small bite-sized pieces. She paused for a second, eyes trained on the swell of his bicep as his hand worked the knife, she could tell he had been working out.

“Are you just going to stand there and watch me from the doorway?” He asked, snapping her out of her bicep fantasy.

(Y/N) let out a small chuckle before silently crossing the kitchen floor to him. She knew her and Ash were just friends with benefits, but moments like this made it easy to forget.

As soon as she got behind him, she placed both hands on his waist, got on her tiptoes, and placed a kiss gently on the side of his cheek. A feeling of warmth spread through her chest as he leaned into her. Then, he turned his head just as she moved to the side, both in sync, both bringing their lips together for the first of many times that night.

“Hey,” she greeted as they parted. She slid away and moved to stand at the counter to his right, close enough that his arms brushed hers when he resumed his pineapple chopping. Grabbing a slice, she slipped it into her mouth.

She didn’t miss the way his eyes flicked down to her mouth, watching as she licked the dripping pineapple juice from her fingers. When the air in the room went heavy, (Y/N) was not surprised. It was like this whenever they were around each other. There was something about being in each others presence that brought a cackle of electricity.

“I’ve got a surprise for you.” She said, the bashfulness of her voice contradicting what she was about to do. “I’m going to need to borrow your hand for a second.”

He shot her a questioning look but pulled his hands away from the pineapple slices nonetheless. A small, lopsided smirk began playing on his lips, enough that she could see the slight indent of a dimple.

“My fingers are a little sticky.” He wasn’t sly. She knew exactly what he wanted.

She grabbed his hand, stepped closer, and said, “That’s okay, I can take care of that for you,” before bringing his fingers up to her lips. This wasn’t a part of her plan, but to say she had a thing for his fingers would be an understatement. She pulled three fingers into her mouth, loving how he immediately took over, pressing on her tongue as she licked and sucked around them.

“I’m assuming this wasn’t the surprise?” he asked, eyes locked on her lips as she switched out the three fingers for his thumb.

She shook her head, tongue circling the thumb. When she pulled it out, a small translucent strand of saliva still connected them. She licked her lips to break it.

“Nah, that was just a little extra,” she admitted with a wink. Ashton was always so responsive to her ministrations, it made her bold.

She moved the hand away from her mouth and slowly guided it down to the edge of her t-shirt dress, eyes locked with his the entire time. He took over, other hand coming to join the first, pulling her flush against his chest as he took a moment to enjoy the feeling of her skin under his fingers. It only took a few seconds before he realized the surprise she was showing him. He groaned, grabbed her ass in both hands, and pulled her even closer to him.

“Fuck,” he grunted, hands skimming up and down her lower back confirming, “You’re not wearing any panties.”

She nodded her head against his chest. “Wanted to make it easy for you,” she murmured. Her breath hitched as a large hand gripped her ass cheek and pulled before lightly gave it a light slap. “So, we don’t have to waste any time when Luke finally falls asleep.”

“How the fuck,” Ashton responded through gritted teeth, “Am I supposed to sit through this movie knowing you’re right next to me with no panties on?”

She looked up at him, bit her lip and shrugged. “But speaking of movies, I better go back to the theater room before Luke starts wondering where I am.”

As she pulled away, he shot her look that told her she would pay for teasing him like that later.

--

It was later, and she was paying.

Knowing Luke wouldn’t be in the kitchen for long, Ashton made quick work of wetting his fingers and pressing them on her clit. The feeling had her gasping, throwing her head back, and biting her lips to control her moans.

“Wish I could eat you out, baby.” He whispered, lips brushing against the column of her throat. “Wish we had more than a couple of minutes so I could get down and eat you out right here. You wouldn’t be able to sit through another movie night without thinking about my fingers and tongue inside you.”

He had a filthy mouth; she had a love-hate relationship with it. She loved listening to him talk but hated how he just had to breathe one word, and she’d be wet and pliant for him.

“Or maybe next time I’ll get you a vibrator, pretend I don’t realize how I’m ruining you while you struggle to stay quiet and still so Luke and I can enjoy the movie.”

Whining, she bucked her hips up, begging for more than the glide of his fingers between her folds, craving those fingers inside her. Grabbing the arm that was working her pussy, she dug her nails in hoping that he’d oblige.

He didn’t. Instead, he kept teasing.

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you? Love struggling to stay quiet with a vibe inside you?”

And he really didn’t have to ask. He knew how much the thrill of getting caught made this thing with him even hotter.

But she whined, “Yeah,” anyway. Her breath hitching as his fingers finally slid inside her. Her other hand settled on his thigh with an iron grip. She needed something to hold on to - everything was too overwhelming.

Her next whine was interrupted by the sound of the microwave beeping in the kitchen.

Ashton was off her in an instant. He licked his fingers - reminiscent of that moment they had shared in the kitchen - before moving away and grabbing his phone. She gasped at the loss of him, at how quickly he had shifted off of her and took on a cavalier demeanor at his end of the couch.

Without even looking back at her, he said, “You might wanna cover up, baby.”

She was still struggling to compose herself, but she pulled her dress down, crossed her legs, and threw the blanket back over her for good measure. She had hoped that she could catch her breath, that she could control the flush on her face before Luke made it down the hallway and back into the TV room.

No such luck.

When Luke walked in, he took one look at her and asked, “Are you okay? You look flushed.”

“Yeah,” she nodded, hoping she didn’t sound too breathy. “But maybe we should head to bed after this movie? I’m a little tired.”

Luke shrugged, “Yeah I have an early day in the studio, anyway.”

For the second time that night she thanked whatever deity was up there looking out for her, helping her get laid.

--

The rest of the movie was a blur. Ash was a steady presence beside (Y/N), his hand resting on her thigh under the blanket, reminding her of what they could be doing that very moment. Luke was on the other side of her, reminding her why they couldn’t.

The half an hour it took for the credits to roll in was torture. It felt like every minute, Ashton’s hand would creep higher and higher up her thigh.

She knew he wouldn’t try anything - not with Luke draped against her. Too much movement on either of their part would alert Luke to what was going on. As much as a part of her wanted to say “fuck it,” wanted to drag Ashton upstairs, to let him have his way with her, it would be better for everyone if she waited patiently for the end of that half an hour instead.

When the movie was over, she and Ashton were out of their seats immediately. She grabbed Luke’s hand, trying to pull him off the couch and up the stairs.

“Let’s go to sleep,” she whined, hoping he wouldn’t see through the fake yawn that followed.

When he yawned in return, she counted it as a win. He still didn’t move from his spot on the couch, however, suggesting instead, “We should at least help Ashton clean up first.”

Ashton shook his head, already picking up the trays with a few pieces of fruit still leftover. “‘S okay, I got it.”

“You sure?”

Luke looked surprised. (Y/N) didn’t understand why - Ashton was always cleaning up after them. It was kind of his love language, these little acts of service.

“Thanks, Ash. Love you,” Luke chimed, finally standing up.

Ashton rolled his eyes in response. But they had a rule about always repeating the sentiment when one of them said I Love You, so as (Y/N) and Luke ascended the stairs, they were accompanied by the sound of Ashton calling “Love you too. Goodnight,” after them.

Luke and (Y/N) had done it so much lately, getting ready for bed together was almost routine. They spent about a half an hour together in the bathroom, brushing their teeth, washing their faces, and applying the various creams and serums of their nightly routine, all the while chatting about everything from industry gossip to what Luke should do with his hair. As Luke talked, she could lend him no more than half an ear, her mind consumed with thoughts of Ash, wondering if he was already in his bedroom waiting for her.

She wondered if he would take some time to rile himself up while he waited. Maybe he was sitting on his bed, idly playing with his dick, hissing as his fingers ran over it, knowing that his hands could never do her pussy or her mouth justice. Her mouth watered just thinking about it. She needed to get to him as soon as possible.

It took Luke all but screaming her name for her to snap out of this fantasy.

“You okay?” He asked, obviously concerned about her uncharacteristic spaciness.

Knowing she couldn’t very well say, “Sorry, I’m thinking about fucking your brother,” she shrugged and mumbled, “Just tired, I guess.”

Luke led them both out of the bathroom, shutting off the lights behind them. “Let’s get you to bed.”

Eagerly, she bounded towards the bed, lifted the covers, and slipped in. When Luke slipped in beside her, she breathed out a sigh of relief. She hoped he would fall asleep quickly so she could sneak from his bed and into the room right next to his.

About ten minutes later, she got her wish. Luke’s breath was coming out in short huffs which usually indicated that he was asleep. “Luke?” she tested. When he didn’t respond, she snuck from underneath the covers, making her way out his door and over to Ashton’s.

Ashton had been waiting for her. He must have heard her footsteps approaching because before she could even knock, he was opening the door and pulling her in. He had to be careful closing the door behind her, knowing that a slam could wake Luke easily - and waking up alone to a noise coming from elsewhere in the house would mean Luke coming to investigate. That was the last thing either of them wanted.

“God, I wish I could be rougher with you,” Ashton groaned, pushing her lighter than he wished against the door. He grabbed both ass cheeks immediately, kneading them in his large hands. “Wish I take you hard and fast until the headboard was slamming against the wall and you were screaming my name.”

The very idea of it had her squirming and moaning, pushing back against his large hands, hating the way he riled her up with no way of making good on his promises. She thought maybe the following day they could meet at her place, be as loud and as rough as they wanted to. She didn’t get the chance to suggest it before he’s wetting his finger and bringing it to her hole. Rubbing around, he was surprised to find her already a little wet with anticipation. He pushed the digit inside her, playing with her for a moment, darting in and out of her, loving the way she pushed back, trying to get the finger deeper.

As much as she loved getting fingered by him, she was horny, and this was not what she came for. She reached a hand behind her, rubbing down the front of him, trying to get a hand on his dick. He was only in his boxers, which made it easier for her to grip and rub it.

“Let’s take this to the bed maybe?” she suggested, words heavy with desire.

His finger slipped out of her; then, he grabbed her arm and pulled her towards the bed, pushing her down to lay on her back. He grabbed her waist lining her up with the edge of the bed where he knelt before her.

“You have to be quiet,” he reminded, hands roaming up and down her thighs. This was a game they played. He liked to see just how much he could drive her crazy as she struggled to remain silent.

She bit her lip and nodded, “I can stay quiet,” but he threw her a skeptical look.

“One sound and I stop,” he warned, and with the warning still in his hazel eyes, he bowed and took to her heat.

She had to bite her lips to keep from crying out right away, squirming as he flattened his tongue and licked between her folds.

He licked a broad stripe over her pussy, coming a to stop at the clit, bringing it in between lips and sucking. She wasn’t expecting it, the pressure was too much - she had to bring her hand up to her mouth, covering it to prevent a cry. She could all but see him smirk at her reactions. He knew it was a matter of time before she couldn’t contain her screams anymore.

She tried. She did. She bit her hand, and her tongue and her cheek, bucking as he dragged his tongue back and forth against her. She could hardly breathe. One hand reached down to grip his hair for purchase, as she tried to lift her hips off the bed, chasing more of that sinful tongue laving over her pussy.

When he took her by surprise, sucking her clit into his mouth once more, both hands went to his hair, and she cried out, “Fuck, Ashton.”

She was so caught up in the heat of him, she didn’t realize what she’d done until he was off her, looking unimpressed.

“Sorry,” she whispered. “I’ll be good, I promise.”

But it was too late. Ashton got what he wanted. She was always wound so tight in her everyday life, he loved that in bed he could get her to be less than perfect. And she loved the feeling of giving up control, something she had a hard time doing outside these moments with him.

“Turn over,” he ordered, standing up to remove his boxers as she rolled onto her stomach and got up on her knees, face pressed up against the sheets, ass waving in the air. When he looked up from where he had kicked his boxers off to find her ass in the air, he groaned and grabbed it for the third time that night. To say he was an ass man would be an understatement.

She wasn’t sure when he had rolled a condom on, but she felt his plastic clad dick pushing into her. When his dick bottomed out, she could already feel herself becoming overwhelmed with the feeling of him inside her. Her toes curled, and her hands reached out grip the sheets. When he started fucking into her, she knew that she would have a hard time staying quiet.

With every stroke she had to make an effort to control her moans, bringing her hand to cover her mouth, biting the sheet below her, holding her breath. None of this made a difference when Ashton began picking up speed, pounding into her.

She was whining lowly, twisting, trying to take him deeper, when he grunted, “You gotta be quiet, baby girl.”

And she nodded, but she really couldn’t control herself, each other breath drawing a moan or gasp or whine from her.  

Eventually, Ashton flattened himself against her, strokes becoming shallow and slow. He brought his lips to her ear and whispered, “Shh, Luke’s gonna hear you.”

She shook her head against his. “Can’t.”

The sensations were too much. She couldn’t control herself.

“Just gonna have to help you out then.”

He pulled out of her, and she gasped whining at the loss of contact. Then he was flipping her over, leaning over her on the bed, realigning himself and pushing into her. This time, he had one hand braced beside her head, twisting in the sheets, the other came to curl around her throat.

There was something about his fingers around her neck that quieted her. Maybe it was just the sheer act of dominance that down, causing her to submit in every way. It brought her feelings inward, bringing awareness to how her entire body was aflame.

It felt so good to have him pounding into her while she was unable to breathe. She could feel her orgasm building, and by the look on his face, his orgasm was coming too.

When she came, her whole body seized, squeezing down on his dick. That had him chasing his own orgasms, a few pounds into her before he was coming too.

He rolled off her slowly, pulling off the condom, tying it, and placing it in the trash. When he came back to lie down next to her, he caressed her face, running his thumb over the light sheen of sweat that had collected on her upper lip and pressing a small chaste kiss on her lips.

“Was that okay?” he asked, fingers rubbing at where they were choking a few minutes before.

(Y/N) nodded, knowing that he liked checking up on her after getting particularly rough.

He searched her face, making sure she wasn’t just saying it, making sure she was actually alright, before saying “Good,” and capturing her lips again for a kiss.

This time it was filthy, tongue dipping into her mouth, rubbing against hers.

“We should get under the covers maybe?” He suggested. Then he gestured to both their states of varying undress. “I mean I’m cold.” He didn’t have anything on, but she was still wearing her dress, bunched up at her hips.

She chuckled but shook her head. She did consider it very briefly. Since they’d started fucking, she had gotten kind of addicted to the feeling of his arms around her. But, she knew she couldn’t, Ashton knew she couldn’t, not when Luke had fallen asleep with her in his bed an hour before.

Sitting up she said, “Gotta get back before Luke notices I’m gone.”

She saw the moment his face fell and fought to ignore the tightening of her chest. Leaning down, she moved for one final kiss. “We can do something tomorrow night?” she suggested, remembering her earlier idea. “You can come over, and you can get as rough as you want and we can even cuddle after.”

“Yeah,” he breathed out, in a manner that almost sounds like relief, burying his hand in her hair and pulling her down for that last kiss. 

2.

When Luke left early the next morning, (Y/N) almost left too. She had an entire morning routine - gym, breakfast, then work, like clockwork, every morning. Yet, all it took was her being in the same house as Ashton to get thrown off her game. She felt pathetic just sitting around for him to wake up, so she ended up making herself some breakfast. It was nothing fancy - just a smoothie from the leftover fruit in the fridge and an English muffin.  

She had the blender on high when Ashton emerged from his bedroom, coming to greet her in the kitchen. She didn’t hear him coming up behind her, so the hand on her waist and the kiss to her hair was a surprise.

“Morning,” he mumbled, sleep still evident in his voice. He released her and moved over to the dishwasher to grab a cup. “What are you still doing here? Shouldn’t you be at the gym?”

“Just woke up,” she lied, figuring that sounded infinitely less pathetic than I couldn’t bring myself to leave without seeing you.

He smiled as he filled his cup with water from the fridge door. It was a knowing smile, one that told her he was well aware she hadn’t just woken up. Before he could call her out on her lie, she asked, “Do you want to do lunch?”

“Sorry,” he responded, causing a cloud of disappointment to settle over her. “I have lunch with an artist. But I’ll be by your place tonight, okay?”

She obviously didn’t do a good job of hiding said disappointment, because he was crossing the kitchen floor to grab her chin, forcing her to make eye contact with him. “Don’t be sad,” he said, kissing her once on the lips. “I’ll more than make up for it tonight.”

--

She had lunch with Calum instead.

“Speaking of Ashton.”

That was a mistake.

“Were we speaking of Ashton?” She asked throwing him a look of irritation. They were not. He had waited until there was a lull in the conversation to spring the topic on her.

Which really could only mean one thing.

With a sigh and a roll of her eyes, she said, “He told you.”

Calum at least had the decency to look apologetic. “Sorry,” he said. “But to be fair, you had to know he was going to tell me.”

She opened her mouth to argue but couldn’t. Ashton and Calum were very big on openness and honesty with each other. Ashton keeping a secret from Calum was rare, unheard of even. She should have expected it, but that didn’t mean she was any less annoyed by it.

“To be honest,” She joked as a means of hiding her frustration. “I’m surprised he didn’t roll over and text you immediately after he finished. He at least waited until he got me off first. I’m proud of him for that.”

The joking also kept the bubbling anxieties at bay. It quieted the voice in the back of her mind trying to tell her that one more person in on her secret was one additional variable she had to keep track of. Being with Ashton made her feel out of control enough. She loved it in the moment but, at times like these, the lack of control burned a hole in her chest.

Unfortunately for her, Calum sobered the conversation. “You’re not mad that I know, right?”

She didn’t know how to respond. Yes, she was mad, but she was trying very hard not to be.

“It’s me. I’m not going to tell anybody.”

And she knew that. There were definitely worse people that Ashton could have told. But at the same time. . .

“I don’t know, Cal. I was kind of hoping it would be just between him and me.”

“Why? This group has never kept secrets from each other. I know intimate details about both your sex lives. What makes this time any different?”

She sighed.

She had forgotten who she was talking to.

This was Calum Psychoanalyst Hood, and she was ever his favorite patient. She had a habit of ignoring her feelings and making bad decisions, and he had the habit of pointing them out. But never in an upfront manner. He preferred to let her know he was concerned about the way she was acting without letting her know why. She hated it; she had a reason for ignoring those feelings in the first place.

They were interrupted then by the waiter shuffling towards the table to ask if everything was okay with their meals. She clammed up as Calum said, “Everything is great, thank you.”

The waiter brought a brief reprieve to their conversation, both of them taking a moment of silence to begin eating again. This did not last long. Both her and Calum were too confrontational as people to just leave the conversation be.

She cracked first.

“Maybe I didn’t want him to tell you because I thought you’d make a big deal about it and do something like, I don’t know, ruin our lunch by terrorizing me about it.”

“I’m not terrorizing you. Two of my best friends are fucking each other and keeping it a secret for some reason. I can’t help but be concerned.”

“What’s concerning? There’s no need to be concerned. It’s just two adult friends having frequent consensual sex with each other. No need to be concerned.”

It felt hypocritical for Calum to be concerned about this. He had many different friends with benefits arrangements. She did too, and so did Ashton. Why would it be a problem now?

As she looked up into deep brown eyes, heavy with apprehension, she knew, one way or another, that she was about to find out.

Calum was silent for a beat, letting her anger seethe while he took a bite of his sandwich and a sip of his water.

Then he said, “Am I correct in assuming that the reason you don’t want Mikey or I to know is that because you’re afraid that Luke will find out?”

Oh right, Luke.

That was the one thing she worried could blow up in her face. But she couldn’t just tell Luke. There were so many reasons why Luke could react badly. Most notably was the fact that she and Luke had become inseparable in the last few years. Luke had gone through a lot of shit with his ex in their final year of college and (Y/N) was his crutch throughout the aftermath. When they left for LA a year ago (just a few months after Luke broke up with his girlfriend), Luke had been friendless, depressed, and was a borderline alcoholic. She spent months picking up the pieces. There are moments from his rehabilitation that still haunted her; moments where Luke’s newfound abandonment issues were out in full force. She had been the last of their old friend group to stick with him, and while Luke never said it outright, she knew he was afraid of losing her too.

He was a lot better now, but she could see how he might think this thing with Ashton meant losing her. Was it so terrible that she wanted to enjoy her relationship and spare Luke’s feelings at the same time?

As if the thought of Luke finding out wasn’t haunting enough, Calum followed up with, “Well, afraid probably isn’t the right word since you guys keep almost having sex around him.”

That comment wasn’t particularly fair. Yeah, she and Ashton frequently teased each other in Luke’s presence, but they were careful about it.

(She didn’t want to think about how careful had a habit of flying out the window with Ashton around.)

“You guys might want to stop that if keeping Luke in the dark is truly your aim.”

And there he went, being cryptic again without explaining himself. She felt irritation building like an itch, and she had to scratch. She couldn’t let him continue.

“What the fuck do you mean if it’s truly my aim?” She asked, voice low, ever aware of how easy it was for her to get loud. “You know I hate it when you psychoanalyze me like that.”

“I’m just saying,” Calum pushed back. The intensity of his voice matched hers, but without the underlying anger and irritation. “That the part of you that so desperately wants no one to know needs to have a conversation with the part of you that’s itching to get caught.”

She pushed her bowl away. She was done. With the food and the conversation. She hated that Calum brought up such good points about the incongruity of her actions. She wished that he would just tell her what he thought it all meant.

She said as much to him, “Well since you know me so well, why don’t you tell me what I really want.”

“(Y/N), I know you dislike thinking about your emotions, but this is one thing you’re going to have to figure out yourself.”

Conversations like this were such a commonplace in her and Calum’s relationship, he recognized the moment she reached her breaking point.

“Go,” he said, and she stood immediately.  

One day she would learn to sit and fully finish an argument without having to run away or having to change the topic of conversation. For now, she behaved as she always had. She stored everything Calum had said in the back of her mind, ready to spend her day thinking it over, stood up and grabbed her things.

“Love you,” said Calum before she could walk away.

It was times like this where their dumb little rule about always saying “I love you” back was so important. When she and Calum had an honest conversation like this, his  “Love you” served as a way to remind her that he said what he had because he cared.

She parroted her, “Love you, too.” It released her of all the negative feelings that arose and reminded her that their friendship was much more profound than her mild irritation.

As she passed by his chair on the way to the exit, she stopped. She placed a tiny kiss to his hair, smiling as he leaned into it. 

3.

That the part of you that so desperately wants no one to know needs to have a conversation with the part of you that’s itching to get caught.

Calums words ran through her mind all day. Did a part of her want to get caught? She didn’t think so. It was probably more accurate to say there was a magnetism about Ashton that made her throw all caution to the wind. That was the bigger issue. She was so consumed by her thirst for him, that she constantly forgot herself.  

Had this been anyone else, had she been in her right mind, she would not have allowed it to continue for as long as it did. She knew what she had to do - she had to take control. What she and Ashton needed were boundaries.

But boundaries were easier said than done.

She was sitting on her living room sofa hours after her lunch with Calum. She ruminated on what he had said, a glass of wine in one hand, the rest of the bottle sitting in wait of its consumption atop her coffee table. In her other hand was her phone. She had been staring blindly at it for a few seconds now. She hadn’t decided yet whether to take snapchat up on their offer to respond or their offer to replay.

She said, “Fuck it,” aloud to herself, then tapped replay.

As the video started, all she could see was Ashton’s hand and in it was a tiny, purple, egg-shaped device with a small hook curving off of it, and an equally small remote. She felt heat pool in the pit of her stomach immediately. Her eyes hadn’t deceived her the first time - he was, in fact, holding a vibrator.

“Hey baby,” his voice came rolling through the speakers, gruff, sexy, and commanding as always. “Couldn’t stop thinking about you today. Thinking about how you’d look with a vibrator in you as you sat through one of our movie nights, trying to keep your whines quiet.”

He rolled the device back and forth between his fingers as he spoke.

“The thought of you being quiet for me, being a good girl for me, got me so worked up that I had to stop by the store on the way home. I bought us a vibrator.”

She was expecting the camera flip this time, ready when Ashton’s face popped up on screen. The phone was close enough to his face that she could feel the lust in those deep hazels burning through the phone. “And luckily for us, the boys wanna hang out tonight, so what do you say?”

She bit down the part of her that so desperately wanted to say yes and overwrote it with reminders of Luke and why boundaries were necessary.

Ashton, she typed out, holding her breath as his little bitmoji popped into the chat. I don’t think we should do these things around Luke anymore.  

As soon as he read her message, he was facetiming her. She declined the call immediately,  worried that he would be more than capable of convincing her to go against personal interest.

So instead of getting a conversation face to face, he got a text message. We don’t need to talk about this Ash.

I think we do.

She took one look at the bubble at the bottom of the screen that indicated Ashton was typing and decided that she really didn’t want to hear it. Acting on pure instinct, she turned off her phone and threw it on the couch just opposite her.

Going wireless for the night had not been the plan, this conversation with Ashton definitely was not the plan, but she decided to use it to her advantage. Picking up her laptop, she began catching up on some work, all the while desperately trying to distract herself.

Nearly eight o’ clock, two hours later, her efforts prove to be a success. She was so caught up in the analysis she was doing for work, she didn’t even think when she heard a knock on the door.

After picking up her glass of wine and draining the last of it, she absentmindedly moved towards her door.

“Who is it,” she asked stopping just shy of the knob, hand already outstretched.

“It’s us.” The gruff, unmistakable sound of Ashton’s voice had her pausing in surprise.

Fuck.

Her only consolation was that he said “It’s us,” and not “It’s me,” which could mean Luke was there. And Luke would make a great barrier between her and Ashton if needed.

She tried to steady the shaking of her hands as she reached out and opened the door. Standing there were Luke, Ashton, and Michael, all portraying varying emotions. Luke, as always, looked happy to see her, Michael looked his usual excited puppy-like self, but Ashton, she could feel the anger rolling off of him in waves.

“What the fuck, (Y/N)!”

Yeah, he was angry.

Her immediate response was to go on the defensive. “Don’t come into my fucking apartment and yell at me, dick face!”

Ashton ignored her and barreled into past her. Luke and Michael followed him in, shutting the door behind them. They stopped and stood, each of them flanking her as they watched Ashton go on his tirade.

“Where the fuck is your phone? Why haven’t you been answering any of our calls? We thought something happened to you, asshole.”

Before she could react, go to that place of anger and annoyance, Luke stopped them, stepping forward between her and Ashton. “Relax,” he called over his shoulder at Ashton. Placing both hands on her shoulder, he asked softly, “You okay, bubs? Was kind of worried when you didn’t answer any of my calls.”

“Sorry,” she mumbled, allowing herself to be pulled into a hug. “My phone was off. I wanted to get some work done.”

The look Ashton shot her over her shoulder said he saw right through her lie. He knew she was trying to avoid him. She closed her eyes to it and buried her face in Luke’s neck.

Michael, in true Michael-like fashion, ignored all the tension in the room and announced, “She’s okay, just like I said she’d be. Can we go get food now?”

She must have been a pit stop on their way.

Luke pulled away from her, looking her in the eyes. “As long as you’re okay?”

She smiled, heart warmed by Luke’s concern. “I’m okay.” She promised. “I just wanted to get some work done. I’ll definitely let someone know next time.”

And that was enough for Luke. Looking past his shoulders, her eyes caught Ashton. That was not enough for him. He still looked furious, the intensity of his stare burning holes through her.

“You guys go ahead.” This was the first thing he’d said all night that rich with anger. “I need to talk to (Y/N).”

She hated the way that turned her on. She knew he was still angry. The thought of being alone with him and that anger should make her nervous, but instead it made her want to fall to her knees, have him use her until he wasn't angry anymore.

There were mumbled “okays” and “goodbyes.” Michael and Luke both hugged her and, before she knew it, they were alone.

She sat down and poured herself another glass of wine from the already half empty bottle. She was going to need it for this conversation. Ashton had already started pacing.

Three sips in and he was still pacing. God, she hated how hot his anger got her. She always thought that if she got into a relationship like this, based so heavily on passion, she would match her partner, anger for anger. But here she was, ready to submit if it meant getting what she wanted.

“Ash,” she began.

He didn’t even look at her.

She did not like that.

“I shouldn’t have turned off my phone, I get it. But I didn’t want to have a conversation about it. I didn’t want you trying to convince me.”

His head snapped around, eyes finally meeting hers. There was that animalistic passion again, burning bright in his eyes.  “We have to talk about shit, (Y/N). This isn’t going to work if you refuse to communicate with me.”

She had to resist the urge to roll her eyes. It just wasn’t that serious. It wasn’t like she was ending their arrangement. It was one small boundary. Putting her glass down, she sauntered up to him, stopping him in his tracks. She had other ideas about how he could use his anger.

“I’m sorry.” She reached one hand out, running it down his chest, allowing her nails to claw at him through the soft cotton material of his shirt.

He grabbed her hand and placed it back at her side. “Stop trying to distract me.”

Stepping even closer, she put both hands on his chest this time. “I’m just trying to apologize,” she said, letting her want spill over into her voice. She could feel his resolve breaking in the way his chest heaved beneath her fingers. She knew what would push him over the edge.

“Let me show you how sorry I am, daddy.” Dropping to her knees, she pouted, looked up at him underneath long, fanning eyelashes and breathed, “Please.”

That was all it took.

He swore and hastily undid his belt, shucking both his jeans and his underwear off to the floor. She watched, entranced, as he took his dick into his hands, pumping it twice. Her mouth watered at the thought of swallowing him down, getting him hard.

“God, look at you,” he groaned, one hand coming to rest at the nape of her neck. “You’re gagging for it.”

She whined and nodded, showing him just how desperate she was for it. She pushed his hand away and took over. Starting at the base of his cock, she licked a stripe to the top, moaning as she got to the head and sucked it into her mouth.

“Shit,” he whispered. A hand came to rest at her nape as she bobbed up and down a few times before finally taking him down to the hilt.

When she came back up again, spat on his tip and murmured, “Fucking love your cock,” using her thumb to spread her spit over the head.

She loved putting on a show for him like this, wanton and begging, because she loved the feel of his attention entirely on her. It also got him hard like crazy. It didn’t take long before she could feel him start to fill up her mouth. His breath was coming in pants from above her as he surrendered completely to her ministrations.

She was moaning on his dick, taking him down as far as she could go, when he stopped her.  

“Baby girl,” He moaned out, hand tightening in her hair. She didn’t want to stop. Ignoring his words, she sucked him down until she was choking on him, hands coming up to play with his balls.

She couldn’t help the feeling of satisfaction as he cried out “Fuck.” He got a tight grip in her hair pulled. She whined and released him then, head rearing back to lessen the pain.

“Let’s take this to the room,” He commanded, bringing the hand from her hair to rest on her chin. Gently, he nudged her to standing height and pressed a soft kiss on her spit soaked lips. “Need to fuck you.”

She threw her arm around him and drew him down into a deeper kiss. Sliding her tongue against his, they took a minute to re-acquaint themselves with the taste of each other. He ended the kiss with a nip against her plump bottom lip.

“Bedroom,” he demanded. “Now.”

He stepped out of his boxers and pants before following her down the hall and into her room. On her way there, she removed her shirt and shimmied out of her pants, both items of clothing tossed over her shoulder haphazardly. Thank god she lived alone.

When they both got to the bedroom, Ashton pulled his shirt off, his last article of clothing, and came to stand in front of her. His lips immediately went to her neck, gently tracing down the side of it, stopping to nibble at her shoulders. His hands traveled down her waist, exploring everywhere, dipping into and out of her underwear.

“I’m still mad at you,” he grumbled.

She rolled her eyes but resisted quipping back for fear that it would set him off on his tirade again.

“We’re going to have to talk if we want this thing to work.” He continued, this time spoken from the spot beneath her ear.

Sighing, she pulled away from him and looked up into hazel eyes.

“I’ll be sure to talk to you next time,” she lied. “I promise.”

That was exactly what he needed to hear. He brought his large hands down to cup her ass, lifting her up, causing her legs to wrap around him on instinct.

“Thank you,” he said, before kissing her again, filthy and deep. She almost felt sorry for lying to him, but she knew that the best way to take control back from someone like Ashton, was to let him think he still had it.

He walked to the edge of the bed and gently deposited her on top of her comforter, mouth never once leaving hers.

“You gonna be loud for me tonight, baby?” He asked when they separated from each other. His words brought electricity back to the air, their usual passion burning bright.

She nodded eagerly in response. There was no need for secrecy between them tonight, no Luke to cause her to hold back her moans.

He nudged her to her stomach and pulled at her hips, bringing her to her knees. “Let’s get this off,” he said, slapping her cotton covered ass once gently before thumbing underneath her panties and pushing them off.

He wasted no time bringing a finger to her entrance. He slid inside her easily, pussy already dripping for him. His finger pumped in and out of her a few times before he brought another finger up to join the first. The feeling of his fingers was both too much and not enough. She loved his fingers, but she wanted more. She wanted to be full with him. She wanted his dick inside her.

She was about to complain when his fingers bent just right, and he hit that spot inside her that had her crying out. She arched her back and moaned at the feeling, “Fuck, Ashton.”

He hummed, pulling out his fingers, but dived down immediately to replace them with his tongue. He licked into her, laving between her folds, all the while her hands twisted and pulled at her comforter.

Without the pressure of being quiet that night, she chanted his praises, letting him know how good he felt. She allowed herself get so lost in the feeling of Ashton’s tongue on and inside her, when he came up for air she heard herself whine pathetically at the loss.

Chuckling, he bit her ass cheek then sucked until she was sure he had left a bright red mark she wouldn’t be able to ignore tomorrow. He liked eating her out from behind for precisely this reason. It was rare for her to walk away from Ashton without at least a couple of bruises on her ass.

He slapped the cheek twice, each time landing on the already painful bruise he had sucked. She felt her body quiver at the sting of it. She moaned his name, “Ash.”

“Ready for me to fuck you, babe?”

She could feel her whole body jerk with how heavily she nodded her head. The warmth of Ashton’s body disappeared from behind her for a moment as he reached over into her bedside table rummaging for a condom. She panted and pushed her ass back in anticipation.

With the condom rolled on, he returned his attention to her, crawling onto the bed behind her, grabbing her hips, and aligning himself with her before pushing in.

He started off slow, allowing them both to get used to that feeling of him buried deep inside her. She encouraged movement, pushing back against him, writhing impatiently, and gasping, “Fuck me, Ash.”

That was all it took for him to take charge. He grabbed her hips and established a rhythm as he slammed into her. The room filled with the sounds of sex. Each thrust was punctuated by the slap of their skin and her voice as she repeatedly screamed his name. She got loud for him, letting him know how good he made her feel, how she loved the feeling of his dick deep in her pussy.

She wasn’t surprised to feel her orgasm building. She had been worked up since the second he started yelling at her that night. When she came, her whole body clenched, and her knees gave out underneath her. He followed her down, dick still deep inside her. He slowed his thrusts while the waves of her orgasm passed, then grunted at how limp and pliant she was underneath him.

Pulling out of her, he flipped her over. He crawled over her, realigned himself, and pushed back into her. She cried out, loving how sensitive she was from her orgasm. She knew he was close too, they had done this long enough that she recognized that look on his face.

She brought a hand up and ran it through dyed red hair before pulling him down for a kiss.

That was the wrong move.

Instantly, she was consumed with the intimacy of the moment. There was nothing dirty and animalistic about the way he licked into her mouth. This felt like a different kind of passion, and that scared her like no other. He pulled away from her to look her in the eyes.

“I love this,” he confessed, one hand coming up to brush away the hair that was sticking to her face, his hips still snapping into her, his thrusts deeper and slower now. “Love doing this with you. I feel so connected to you.”

“I-” she started, but she didn’t get to finish because he was crying out, his hips stuttering to a stop as he came inside her.

He buried his face in her neck, breathing in the heady scent there as he climaxed inside her. They both laid still for a few seconds after he came, breathing in each other and basking in the afterglow. Seconds later he rolled away, tying off his condom and throwing it in her bedside trash bin.

She paid no attention to what she was doing. Her mind was far away. She allowed herself to be moved pliantly as he came back next to her and laid her on his chest.

“I” she had begun to say. If he hadn’t interrupted her, she might have said something she would have come to regret. And even Ashton, the way he said his piece, the “I feel so connected to you” felt deeper than his usual praises when they had sex.

What did it all mean? She didn’t know, but the twisting feeling she had gotten while talking to Calum earlier was back with a vengeance.

God.

Fuck.

She rolled off of him. This was getting to be too much - the closeness of them. She had felt it before, the way how the relationship felt like more than just a friends-with-benefits situation, but her stupid talk with Calum now had her dwelling on it. She wondered how they ended up here, trying to find the defining moment took their relationship from one friend eating out another at a studio in West Hollywood to this.

It happened while she wasn’t looking.

She sat up and moved towards her bathroom door.

None of that mattered anyhow, she tried to tell herself, not now that she was taking back control.

“Hey,” she called over her shoulder. “Make sure to close the door when you leave.”

There was confusion in his voice. He sounded almost small as he asked, “I can’t stay over?”

She took a deep breath and turned. Meeting his eyes, she begged her resolve not to crumble. “Why would you do that?”

They were silent for a moment, eyes locked on each other. For a moment she thought he would complain, make a fuss like he did earlier. Instead, he released a frustrated grunt and began to get dressed.

“See you later, Ashton.” It was hard not to look back as she walked into her en-suite.

-- 

end notes: ok so confession: this is theoretically parts 1-3 of a 9-ish part story, but I thought it worked well as a stand alone. don’t forget to let me know what you think! 

[ambitionsource]

also 001 zc im springing it all on u

spring it all on me baybee. i’m ready. i’m thrivin

Zay & Charlie

When I started shipping it if I did: oh if i were a viewer, i think i’d be sniffing out this storyline EARLY. literally from the moment charlie leaps up to volunteer to tutor him in 103 and then is all “you’re so unapologetically yourself” with all that Awe i’d be like... mhm. okay. mhm ok mhm mhm mhm right mhm....... although i think i would be skeptical. i would be kinda like (as i think some of you were) are they actually going to go through with this...... are they playing me 4 a fool.... but then when you watch 112 after so much build and theres the RUNNING ACROSS THE CITY TO GET TO THE AUDITION AND AINT NOOOO AWWWYWYWYWYWYAAYWAAYYYYY AND THE LOUVRE KISS LIKE WAHAHAHWAHWAHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHH -- yeah i’d be in it from there. you don’t see it coming going INTO the first season, but to be honest zc kind of Owned the first season in the later half there. they were subtle in some ways but then they really just brought the mf PUNCH

My thoughts: so. clearly. i love them. fdkjshgkjsg i think i have a lot of fondness for them because they really organically blossomed in the first season in a way i wasn’t expecting. as y’all know, we broke the story for the second season first and then backtracked to s1, and i will be candid... charlie was like... not a person when we first outlined s2 JFGDSKLGKDFGKLFDH. he was in a relationship with zay, and it was supposed to be this big surprise going into the second season, but otherwise we really didn’t like... know what to do with him or honestly had THOUGHT about it. but then as we started working on s1, he just kind of... emerged, as well as their storyline of barely acquaintances to friends to unexpected lovers. and i really really love what they grew to be. they’ve been one of the best parts of writing the show tbh and i have so much fun writing their scenes, even when they’re challenging (cough 208 cough, one of the most difficult scenes i’ve ever written in anything ever)

What makes me happy about them: i love how they see the other person for who they actually are, how they can cut through the bullshit and see the other for how they wish they could be seen (charlie seeing zay as more than the popular “cool” kid that he has to put on as a sort of defense to survive at aaa, and zay seeing charlie for who he actually is beneath all of the facades he’s created to please the rest of the world) and how that allows them the courage to try and actually BE those things. like. charlie may not have ever gotten to a point of really considering accepting his own sexuality if it weren’t for zay, i think -- especially since zay then gave him this incredibly SAFE space to figure it out AND loved him at the same time. i love how they demonstrate such a Balance for one another (there’s that key word again!), like how in s1 a core part of their friendship is the fact that charlie seems to be the only person zay really has who cares about all the things he cares about but also isn’t... a crazy monster the way everyone at aaa is fDJSKFLDG. and zay brings balance to charlie in showing him its okay to have fun, to be imperfect, to throw a swear word around or not give a damn sometimes or do things just because he wants to. and that’s important! that’s major! and then i just love love love how they’re playful with one another but it comes from this very sincere fond place. their dynamic would not be what it is without their sort of teasing nature, but it NEVER feels like it’s coming from a place of animosity, it’s always this affectionate kind of banter. i’m really picky about how teasing translates into romance, and i think the way they make it work is a fave thing about them for me. i’m forgetting like 4324325 things i wanna say here but i love them MUCHO

What makes me sad about them: so. hm. yeah. you know how there are those otp ask games or gif memes and there’s always that category that’s like “it’s right, just not right now” ships? i have always disliked that category bc i think people constantly misinterpret it (or its just a poor label to apply to a ship lmao), but i think they are actually a perfect example of what i think that label is supposed to represent. charlie and zay are 100% right, but not right now. they can’t be right when charlie is still trying to figure out so much of his sexuality and his sense of acceptance, because no matter how much they love each other it’s just not fair to zay to have all these conditions on their relationship. like, it’s great that he likes him enough to be okay with it, but it shouldn’t be that way in a truly healthy situation. yknow? and when the rules keep changing or grow to be confusing (i.e. how charlie seemed to be improving in 207 but then backslid majorly in 208), you end up with like... well, miscommunications like 208. and those can be brutal.

Things done in fanfic that annoys me: again, i’m just projecting based on my experience in fandom and observing fandom, but here are a handful of things i think would be common in zc fic that would drive me up the wall. 1) babying and/or pandering charlie to the point that he’s just like... this uwu baby gay that completely strips him of his complexity, surprisingly sharp sarcasm, all his uneven edges and quirks, etc. 2) fetishizing of them both or more specifically, racism surrounding the portrayal of zay 3) a complete bashing of charlie’s faith, as that goes against how he’s written + his arc as a character [ like if you gotta work thru ur own grievances with organized religion then by all means, but it would probably bother me bc of his characterization and im literally not even religious lmao ] 4) banter that crosses the line and goes into that territory of lowkey bullying or tasteless that is a squick for me

Things I look for in fanfic: so of course, characterization that allows for the complexity of both of their characters would be A1 from day one as usual. would always love something that highlights the dance thing since that is... so important to their relationship in the show lmao. people who could capture their delicate balance of banter would be whew!!!! also random but i thought about it earlier today -- when winter olympics rolls around again, who is gonna write the ice skating au? it’s only a step or two away from dance y’all, let’s SEE IT!!!

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: zay would make the best of any relationship he gets into, but he and riley could be cute as i have mentioned before (altho i naturally prefer them as best friends, but they would treat each other the way they deserve which is important). there’s a character coming in s4 who i actually really enjoy with zay, but that’s a spoiler and neither here nor there... as for charlie, i again will make my vague comment about appreciating lucas x charlie... and that’s all i can say on that.............

My happily ever after for them: god i just. i want them to be happy and in love. and i mean that in that they’re happy with themselves, so they can be happy with one another. like, TRULY happy without all these conditions or strings attached. and to be able to be happy together IN PUBLIC. literally can you imagine. CAN YOU IMAGINE??

Who is the big spoon/little spoon: hmmmmmm again, i think it would vary. but i think my inclination is that typically zay is the big spoon, although i will say i think charlie is overall more cuddly (not that you’d ever assume so in public bc he’s so repressed DSJKFJDSKLGFDLKG)

What is their favorite non-sexual activity: i assume we wanna discuss the ones... that aren’t dance DJSKLFJDKGJFDLKJGKDJHLKDH. aside from the obvious, i really do think zay and charlie like to go out and explore together and just like... share experiences. like going to art museums is a big one, and seeing live performances. art is something that really connects them and i don’t think that can be understated, and one of their favorite things is experiencing art together and then getting the other to talk about their opinions on it. i also do think that while zay isn’t big on literature, he can be swayed if charlie reads to him. art completely aside, i think they like to go to the grand central market and browse / try new things. they also like window shopping, but that’s kind of funny bc their styles are so different so they’ll be like ooh and the other will be like rly. FDNSJKFDJSLGJDSG. omg they should have a day where they just get to dress the other person up all day in different stores... THERES a fun activity... zay is dressed head to toe in GAP and he’s like please set me on fire fJDSKFJDSKLGJKDLFG

send some winter hiatus asks !! or try this one

[ambitchiovs]

lenny back at it again… i warned y’all about the intros dump. anyway, off to this bitch:

&&. isn’t that [ DEBORAH ANN WOLL ] walking around the hamptons? oh no, nevermind it’s just [ ADELAIDE MONTSERRAT ]. y'know, the [ 19 ] year old [ CIS FEMALE ] known to be quite [ CHARISMATIC and DETERMINED ] but also [ CUNNING and RUTHLESS ]. currently, the police has them as [ A PERSON OF INTEREST ] in the case of samantha wheeler, because they [ WERE PART OF SAMANTHA’S FRIEND GROUND ]. but they go on about their life as [ A STUDENT ]. i wonder what secrets they’re keeping?  [ lenny/23/gmt+3/she/her ]

TW: eating disorders, addiction, mental disorders, possible suicidal thoughts/mentions

DON’T YOU EVER TAME YOUR DEMONS, ALWAYS KEEP THEM ON A LEASH.

In the eyes of Adelaide Montserrat, there was never a girl to be found. If you dare to pry, you will not find what strangers see when they pass her by the crowd. You will look into a bottomless void that threatens to swallow you whole and it will look back at you with smiling teeth. Little Addie, once a girl with pink tutu’s and ballerina shoes, was never one to be meddled with - she would captivate all her teachers and classmates with rosy cheeks and a clever tongue beyond her years, but there was nothing warm or kind about the little girl whose parents held so close she nearly choked to death.

History goes, her father — her biological father, anyhow, was a very powerful politician before he dropped dead. Nobody really knows what happened that night - all everybody seems to know is that all her loved ones seem to fall like dominoes. Her father died when she was 16, during a robbery. The men were never caught, but little Adelaide was left bawling into her mother’s lap. Surprising as it may be, she was actually the product of a one night stand and poor lack of judgement, or so her mother likes to tell her - but Catherine Montserrat was no fool, and she took him for all he had - and as it turns out… That was a lot.

That doesn’t come cheap, for Adelaide, anyways. Being a part of a new family meant she now had a new player to share her inheritance with - and damned if she didn’t do everything she could to throw them off the board. In the eyes of her parents, she could do no wrong - she was pure and pristine and everything they hoped their little girl would be. You’d assume being the younger sibling meant competing for attention - but she never competed. She never even considered it a competition. She won, plain and simple. Her half brother, that man who called himself her “father” now were but pebbles in her shoes, nuisances she had to navigate through to continue on with her luxurious lifestyle. They didn’t understood her, didn’t particularly wanted to, and it was easier to smear on some foundation and bake it with powder than let explain why her skin was cracking. It was easier to strap on those old ballerina shoes and put on a show until her toes were bleeding, than to try and show them what was behind the curtains. And all jewelry in the world, all praise, all money and countless designer bags she accumulated every year could never fill up that gaping hole, that detachment she felt towards the outside world and inability to connect with things and people - even those supposedly closest to her.

You see, Adelaide didn’t lose, because she tailored the game to her whims and batted her heavy set of lashes to make it seem fair. And if she did lose - the game be damned; she’d destroy it and any evidence of her failure with the wrath of a woman scorned. She didn’t want to be a little sister, or a daughter, or something for men to gawk at. She wanted to be something else. Anything other than this vile thing dripping with self-loathing , cloaked in a veil of perfectionism. Something that wasn’t rammed into this golden mold before she even took her very first breath.

Addie’s behavior as well as their parents favoritism only blurred the lines between love and hate between the half-siblings, complicating her understanding of relationships even further. And it certainly didn’t help that her new brother was just as stubborn and competitive as she was. The children were picture perfect, carrying on the legacy of their parents on their backs as if it weighed no more than a feather - while whatever had been good or soft in them began to rot.

But just who is Adelaide Montserrat? The reincarnation of the Virgin Mary to most. The girl with perfect hair, perfect hair and a perfect family. In truth, Adelaide could be seen only as a terror taken human form to those who opposed her, and a perfect, exemplary girl for those who keep a safe distance. What she is, what she truly is, is a game of smoking mirrors - a fragmented girl, scattered into so many pieces to cater to the whims of crowds, that now, when she looks into a mirror, the image that looks back is something recognizable; distorted.

Fueled by her own securities and desire to obtain perfection, paired with the crowd of rich kids that were offered to her as friends growing up, it didn’t take for things to escalate; by the age of only fourteen, poisoning their blood with alcohol, snorting up enough cocaine so she had to carry around wipes and kicking each other in the stomach while crouching over the toilet became somehow ordinary. Encouraged, even. All that deep-rooted self-hatred had to spill someway, somehow. She grew to resent how boys were granted more freedom, more room to misbehave and make mistake. She resented girls for being themselves, for not wanting to scream every second of every day. And she resented Samantha for how genuinely she could smile - for how easily everything came to her, and for how she was everything she could never be; while she was lying in a grave she dug herself - shackled to the image of perfection she’d crafted, held to the highest of regards, expected to never falter nor stutter. It was hard to define the relationship between her - one moment Addie was sweet, the next she was cruel. And as to that unfortunate Halloween night, she claims they parted ways before she could see anything.

All the harder she tries to cling to this illusion of control, the deeper she dives into that well. Parents often say kids will “grow out of it”; their fits of rage, their apathy towards other children, their unwillingness to share, their manipulative, spoiled ways of obtaining what they want- but Addie never did. Somewhere inside there’s still that little girl who’d rather break her toys in half than to share it with other kids. Who’d bump into other little girls at school, and tell the nurse they tripped. Who’d rather set her arm back in place herself than say “you were right”. The little girl who’ll sit in an empty throne all alone, built with the bones of the people she once claimed to love.

PERSONALITY-WISE:

Adelaide is emotionally unstable and has a very competitive, volatile, manipulative personality; she doesn’t forgive, and she sure as hell doesn’t forget, and she can lash out in incredibly ruthless ways due to her extreme lack of empathy for hers. Her addictions and unwillingness to ever speak to anyone in depth about herself only worsen the state of her BPD. Despite all this, on the surface, she can seem like just like any other pristine, privileged girl. It’s not usual for people to find her charming - she does exude that sort of magnetic aura that’s very easy to fall for, because people tend to see what they want to see - and therefore, it’s easy for her to adjust her personality to the expectations of whomever she’s trying to captivate. In a way, her entire personality has merged with her addiction: being friends with her feels a lot like moment of high in exchange for an eternity of sorrow.

She can be a loyal friend, to some extent, although she’ll never put anyone above herself. She’s also very insecure and prone to fits of rage (in private) whenever she doesn’t get what she wants (think broken mirrors and glasses), as her self-image is heavily dependent on what she can achieve and how others perceive her. Deep down, this all stems from jealousy - she so desperately wishes she could connect with other people and things the way everyone around her does, but in the end she can’t, and she’s left feeling like an outside looking in. If she’s miserable, why shouldn’t everyone around her be too?

HIT ME UP TO PLOT U COWARDS !!

for reals, though - i know this was unnecessarily long, but oh well. you can be ex friends with her? don’t know why they’re not friends anymore - but i’m willing to bet it’s addie’s fault.

maybe some sort of competitor?  academic or otherwise.

maybe there’s some poor ex out there who knows what a headcase she actually is? but probably can’t say much bc they fear for her life lmao.

she wouldn’t openly date anybody who could reflect poorly on her reputation, so secret hookups??? give me someone who’s getting sick of being used pls. ( she’s a closeted bisexual. society isn’t very welcome to the idea rn ) so girl crushes yes pls let girls have crushes on her. let her manipulate them bc she knows. i need.

also gimme someone who deals drugs to her tbh, bc this needs to be kept SUPER lowkey, but it’d also be hilarious bc she wouldn’t have to fake her personality around them & it’s like bitch what the fuck this girl is dr jekyll and mr hyde.

i’d love love to see a fake relationship - but i don’t mean the ‘secretly have feelings for each other’ - i mean the… secretly despise each other but they’re image-obsessed people and like being seen as the golden couple.

oH and pls someone give me a… dare i say sisterly connection? mostly, a girl who idolizes her or puts her on a pedestal, that she might or might not have a soft spot for ( which in addie’s handbook just means she’ll be that much crueler whenever she feels like it tbh ) & see it as some sort of protegee.

idk i’m open to anything, these are just suggestions thrown at the wall here. the point is… plot w me u cowards. and yes, my muse does bite.

[sundrenched-smilez]

I see your 'here's a lot!' and raise you: 1, 3-6, 10-13, 17-19, 21, 23, 25

1. what is your gender?

dainty + bubbly

sharp

ethereal

decadent

3. what is your gender presentation like?

being genderfluid, it’s difficult tbh, and i dont always know what my gender is at any given moment? only what feels Wrong and Uncomfy. so i just gotta trial and error until i get tired of doing that and give up, or i find smth good. this can take several minutes expressing the above feelings and aesthetics is essentially my gender pres

4. what is your Gender Euphoria Outfit? 

d+b - smth flowy, soft, traditionally more girly and femme

sharp - punk, black and spiky. metal helps, so do bracelets, and sometimes eyeliner done to a point. mb a lil slutty, but for me, not for others. tank tops, torn clothing, showing skin

ethereal - the above, but more adorned and colorful? like rly unique and confident looks. less edges, more fae

decadent - like shirts w ruffles on them, feeling like a pirate or an old century princess, loose clothes, fancy clothes, feeling a lil like royalty or thinking highly of myself. mb more animated w my actions, more dancy

5. what makes you feel validated?

ppl using my pronouns, or telling their friends “oh look at that person, theyr’e goals/theyre pretty/so hot, etc” and impressing ppl w my beauty and style that way.

ppl not knowing what genitals i have, or being confused on that front!! like i’ve told ppl im on hormones n they assumed T instead of estrogen, and that’s fun. kinda like how u like to confuse ppl 

6. top five favorite parts of your body (n why you love them)?

thighs!! they’re rly good n have recently gotten thiccer bc i put on weight, and that makes me happy c:

i have a cute butt!!

boobs, bc ive always wanted them, nd i have them now, nd im big sexy

legs, esp when shaven, bc that always feels nice. so does my tummy, it’s rl soft

i love my eyes so much, they’re such a dark, deep warm brown!!! they rllllyyy pop when i wear eyeliner w them, and im always consistently happy abt them c: i also have good lips, nd suuuuper soft skin

im cheating but i also rly adore my hair, it gets rly curly sometimes, and i love that abt it 

10. do you have any trans pride merch?

i dont!! i have a gay flag in my room tho c: 

11. recent happy trans moment?

at work yesterday, i had mentioned customers probs find me offputting bc im tall and trans, and my friend josh who i work w, was like “use that to your advantage!! I know that sounds weird, but when i wear a flower crown, it’s easier to sell to ppl, bc im the Bubbly Gay” and i was like “hi, i dont have the genitals you think i do, please buy my fragrance” in a deadpan voice, n cracked him and my manager up 

12. favorite trans headcanon?

samus aran from metroid being trans!! shes powerful and unstoppable, and i love her 

13. favorite canon trans character? (alt: 2nd favorite trans headcanon?)

i rly love elliot from On A Sunbeam, but also alex fierro from the magnus chase series!!! she’s never afraid to let ppl know when her pronouns have changed (genderfluid) and she’s out and proud, and promotes “flaunting the weird” or unique, and she always wears pink n green, which is cool. like everyone was in white snow suits for camouflage, and she still had a pink/green one somehow, nd it was rly silly 

17. something you wish you could tell your younger self?

brush ur teeth more, also dont worry, ppl will love ur dick and wont bash u for having one. you’ll have friends that love and want to b around u

18. what would your Ideal Fashion Look be?

i rly want that rose dress i drew on zuretta, mb i’ll try sewing one when i have money

19. (how) does your gender relate to your sexuality?

if u like me, ur gay, and also i rly want someone (partner wise) to call me their flame, bc that would b rly affirming and gay. like im an urban/modern pirate witch who strolls into town on odd full moons, bringing lavish gifts and showering my love in affection, sex, and laughteri like the concept of sex more than actual sex, but u know,,,, some gay thoughts

21. what makes you feel euphoric?

when i can express my genders the way i want to, or express/hold myself in a way that rly makes me all !!!!!! inside

like a firm and steady connection, resonating in my aesthetic like a beacon or a lightning strike; powerful, brimming with energy, and certainty. 

23. claim something as trans culture. 

running a joke into the ground until it's unrecognizable from what the original one was (i’m about to end this man’s whole career > me, about to fight someone “i’m about to end this man” >me answering if i’ve entered the building yet “i’m about to” > me, when i’m a muscle underneath someone’s stomach fat “i’m ab”)

editing ur friends into memes

25. what’s your favorite part of being trans?

tbh i dont rly identify as trans, just nb, bc ive always felt nonbinary; used to b rly grossed out by being called anything masculine, felt uncomfortable to take my shirt off from the age of like 6, in public spaces. called myself an individualso like im definitely not cis but i’ve always been nonbinary, so i dont feel the need to categorize myself into like “someone who isn’t as they used to be” if that makes sense. 

plus idk, uncomfy term for me specifically, doesn’t feel right. same w transfeminine, like im androgynous in the first place, and if i were feminine, i dont see the need 2 arbitrarily add trans in front of it, as if to say “im artificial”obvs those terms r affirming for others, and im rly happy abt that and encourage them to use em, but for me its just like. mmm. thats how it feels, a lil nasty nd not me. wrong, ig? feelings. its 1 am almost so im in a slightly off mindset, but also fine bc i just took like a big nap from 3:30ish to 8no gender roles, im free of constriction and can dress however tf i want bc fuck fashion trends? its just money in the pocket of a corporation. now i do like fashion, but only in that i love to see how ppl express themselves, not so much following trends and rules abt it. it’s better to b unique and have ur own style, what makes u u, what makes u comfy and happily expressed

[despicablewench]

grace how do i give off more of a gay vibe at work there r 2 other lesbians and 3 bi girls and i want to connect n be friends bc ive never had lgbt friends before but none of them are ever nosy and ask me anything where i could be like oh yeah my gf or oh i dated this girl one n stuff so i need to just give off more of a gay vibe so they just know but i dont know how :-(

hmm... to be tbh i might not be the best person to ask bc i get read as straight a lot (cut to my ex before we were dating being surprised to find out as was bi even though i had let them sleep in my twin bed with me like 2 nights before and we had had a whole conversation about loving women. they thought i meant it in the feminist way sjdfksf)

what’s the uniform/dress code like at yr job though? a lot of times appearance is one of the easiest ways to give off signals, like i feel like i read as a lot gayer w my lip pierced lmao. and there are def clothing choices & certain hair styles/colors that can clue people in depending on what ur work allows! but obviously like. don’t change the style that feels right for u just so other people will know yr gay lol but like it can be fun to play and experiment w stuff like that. even like painting a little double venus on ur nails or something maybe?

but also if you know all of these women’s sexual orientations already i’m assuming it’s a topic that comes up sometimes, and i don’t think it’s weird at all to try to like. join and/or start those convos! like i promise they have all also at some point been in the position of not having other lgbt friends & will get where ur coming from & will be happy to talk to u. if ur in/near a city that has pride events this month maybe ask if any of them are going?

sorry if this wasn’t much help rip but good luck!! i wish u the best & in the meantime pls always feel free to come to me if u need someone to talk to abt gay stuff.

[peri]

The other anon inspired me and can I actually ask you how you tell people you’re non-binary? I’m non-binary but I always worry about how people will react or if I’ll be able to explain how I feel well. It’s been a concern for me when romantically talking to other girls

ah yeah i totally get that. being nonbinary, its really hard to explain that to those who dont understand.

online, its much easier. you come out, put it in a bio, or introduce yourself as so and (most) people will understand and be accepting. however, offline is a much bigger challenge - at least for me. especially considering i live in the conservative/republican south.

im not out irl yet because my family is explicitly against all forms of transgenderism, so there isnt much advice i can give in that area

however, if someone doesnt understand when you explain you’re nonbinary, something i’d say is simply “im neither female nor male” or simply “i feel no connection to gender at all” - there isnt much u can rly say tbh to those who dont understand.

i unfortunately have a hard time myself putting my identity into simple words for explanation to those who dont understand, so i unfortunately dont have much advice there, sorry !!

as for talking to girls / wanting to be romantically involved (esp if theyre wlw, im assuming youre suggesting) all depends on you, really. if you’re not masc-aligned (gender-wise, like, say .. demiboy) then you’re perfectly fine to use the term lesbian if youre comfy.

identifying as lesbian (or any other wlw identity) is an easy way to show wlw that its okay to be attracted to u, it doesnt take away their identity. lesbians in particular have a genuine history of complicated relationship with gender, so its nothing new to include fem-aligned / non-aligned / agender ppl (as long as they are comfy with so)

but tl;dr as long as u aint a dude/aligned toward there, using the label “lesbian” specifically (if u ofc are a lesbian / feel like one. idk im just giving advice based off what i know so sorry if some of this doesnt tailor to your person) is the easiest way i personally deal w that.

i wish i could help more !! but this is all i think i have to say, based off what i was able to know from the ask. its all abt personal preference and what ur comfy with tbh!

[lesakuraciel]

trans ask game!

original by @solareclipselgbt

1.) what’s your gender and pronouns?

nb and they/them!

2.) what does your name mean (either literally, or to you personally)

i don't feel a particular connection to my birth name, though it is based off anna karenina (it's anna corinne), but i've been toying w the idea of going by ashe... obv it's based on the tree but to me it means walking through a dappled forest near the end of winter, timeless and strange and perfect

3.) when and how did you realize you were trans?

not entirely sure, def after i figured out i wasn't straight(which was aug. 2016), but as far as accepting my place under the /trans/ flag (i knew i was nb, but was still hesitant bc of the people against enbys iding as trans), that didn't happen until like. end of last year,

4.) what was the most helpful in figuring out and accepting yourself as trans?

my trans friends definitely!! and also doing a report on enbys in the trans community, and subsequently finding what, the white stripe means, i still have trouble asking people who already know me to use they/them though,, (i still say she/her is fine even though it's kinda not)

5.) have you or do you plan on medically transitioning?

i do plan to get top surgery! and soon, hopefully!!! other than that, i eventually want a hysterectomy, but no hrt

6.) what’s something you’re most looking forward to in your transition (or something that was your favorite part of transitioning)?

no! boobs! i hate them!! and not having to wear extra layers (read: binder) in summerr

7.) do you have dyed hair?

sjsjsnd yea it's dark blue right now don't think /that's/ natural lmao i even have The Haircut (tm)

8.) who was the first person you came out to (or plan to come out to)?

i'm pretty sure it was my good friend henry!! i mean, he also basically told me i wasn't straight cause i wouldn't admit it :'>

9.) what’s your favorite season?

fall!! so many pretty colors and finally, appropiate weather for the jackets i wear year-round,

10.) have you ever been to pride?

yep! i went to pride for the first time in tacoma last year!! (plan to go to the seattle one this year)

11.) if you’re on hrt, what changes suprised you the most?

not on hrt!

12.) what gives you the most gender euphoria?

oh being called "sir" definitely, and a xloae second is when strangers use they/them to refer to me!

13.) do you have a specific piece of clothing thats especially gender affirming to you?

hmm i mean my binder obv but other than that, certain shirts when i bind? idk they just Do(tm)

14.) what’s your favorite trans joke or meme?

friend who is very comfortable in their identity: talks abt someone not realizing and being transphobic around them/other people not knowing how trans things work/etc.

(sarcasm) wow i can't believe you're really a cishet

15.) if you’ve had any gender affirming surgeries, how was your experience? what are the biggest positive effects?

not had surgery yet, but kaiser permanante has been great so far in working w me !!!

16.) do you have any piercings?

haha just one in each ear, and i basically never use those

17.) who’s your favorite trans character? or do you have any characters you headcanon as trans?

we stan lup from taz in this house

other than that, i hc a lot of characters as trans! e.x. bakugo, todoroki, and kirishima (bnha), snufkin (moomins), indrid and angus (taz), and like, a lot more,,

18.) what do you wish other people understood better about being trans?

just. it's okay to ask pronouns. god

better to ask than to assume

also use context clues, jesus (like if someone isn't out, they may switch to a diff name for some people. never use it unless they ask you to)

19.) top 5 fav songs?

bohemian rhapsody - queen

oi - carbon leaf

light in the hallway - ptx

ocean city - anthony ramos (this isn't anywhere but soundcloud but it's So Good???? go listen)

wait for it - hamilton soundtrack

20.) what advice would you give your younger self?

you can be more assertive about being trans, most people are good abt it and those who aren't can learn or fuck right off

21.) do you have any pets?

yep! my baby, friend

and my doggo, kody!

22.) do you find yourself fitting into gender roles, or consider yourself gender non-conforming?

def gnc!! i like to be androgynous, whixh usually means wearing masc clothes bc i still present fem, somehow,

23.) are you part of your schools gsa or any lgbt organizations?

nope! i prefer to make friends by just chatting, and they usually end up being non-cishwt anyhow lmao

24.) any trans role models?

not really tbh, i see a lot of people that i want to emulate, but i can't think of any in particular atm.

now that i think abt it though, my friend henry has been a sort of guiding light in figuring out, accepting, and then loudly proclaiming my identity, bc i've def come a long way since sophomore year! (if you're reading this, thank u henry)

25.) did you go through multiple gender identities before figuring out your gender now?

yep! i id'ed as genderflux very shortly, then demigirl for a long time, and finally nb/genderqueer!

26.) what makes you most proud to be part of the trans community?

it's so positive and uplifting!! i love that people are just, kind to others that's v nice

27.) favorite movie growing up?

princess bride was and is my favorite movie, but mulan was my fav disney movie and well, if that was someone's fav movie and they ended up cishet? i'd be surprised

28.) if you went by multiple names before deciding your current name, which was the first?

n/a

29.) do you have any pride merch or pride related tattoos?

i have a rainbow flag (handheld) on my bookshelf, and a genderqueer one behind my bed (big)! i also have a trans flag shawl that i made, pan flag converse, several pride shirts, and a pride hat! i'm not shy about letting everyone know i'm neither straight nor cis lmao

30.) if you experience dysphoria, what do you find helps you the most?

binding definitely helps! i get mild dysphoria wearing anything other than a binder or sports bra, and also on my period :/

31.) do you have any siblings, friends, or family who are also trans?

@dorkryptos is my friend and so is henry!! none of my family is though ):

32.) which gender roles or cis beliefs do you find most ridiculous?

nail polish is feminine?? deodorant and razors are gendered???? flowy things are feminine????? guys can't have style beyond Tux(tm)????????????????? fuck all that noise

35.) if cis people didn’t exist for a day, what would you do?

33.) how did you decide on your current name?

go out and make some new friends! ^^

34.) do you fit any trans stereotypes?

i have dyed hair and That haircut, i'm fairly short and afab, i mostly wear ""masc"" clothes, i'm in high school, etc. etc.

ahah, i didn't? but w ashe i wanted smthn with the same initial, old-timey, and connected to nature

only like, every single trans nb stereotype,

[whiteanti]

this is honestly such a big issue within our communities, the "reclamation" of slurs. and i hate it so much esp when white passing ppl do it like hello? i dont like it when they call themselves people of color either bc they dont fucking know the struggle of being racialized, they only know how to whine abt not being white enough for the whites n poc for the poc. i wish we had another term to call ourselves bc white passing weirdos and spicy whites took the term poc and fucking ran with it

(1) lmao theres this person whos url is [redacted] whos south n se asian but is like ¼ chinese and and made ch*nk jokes then ppl confronted them on anon n they said its just whites trying to police their “pocness”… and what bugs me about ppl like this is how they dont reclaim slurs they just use them to be edgy online. it doesnt matter how much % dna u have of an ethnicity if ur not racialized as it dont fucking use slurs u know u’ll never be called they have literal worms for brains

ok sorry for reformatting like this I’m just already anxious as hell bc of exams rn so I rlly can’t deal w getting into fights w ppl like that but anyways ik who ur talking abt and its the same person as I was but I don’t have any receipts and I haven’t interacted for the past couple of years so I’m not gonna assume u know. also idk if these r the same anon but these r kinda similar so I’m gonna out them together. my reply got rlly fucking long so its under the cut 😛

anyways I feel like a lot of ppl esp on tumblr ‘reclaim’ slurs for the edginess of it bc they’re teenagers in a white society trying to figure out how to b a poc in a way that isn’t acceptable to white ppl and/or they think its CoolTM bc all their mutuals r doing it. like to a certain extent I get it bc when I was 13/14 I was like that as well. I called myself a chink bitch and all that shit but also I was a fucking dumbass kid who was doing both of the above. but ppl who r 17/18/19/20+ who carry on doing these crazy fucking jokes and tell kids who r impressionable and young that this is a good and healthy way to reclaim their identity? wack. the way ppl treat each other and the way ppl have normalised treating themselves w absolutely no respect in the name of activism or whatever is….. just crazy. calling urself slurs to degrade urself isn’t funny reclaiming shit ur just making urself feel worse. theres literally nothing positive abt it ur making no impact, ur doing positive for ‘the cause’ or urself either. so thats my thoughts on most of the ‘slur reclamation’ that happens on tumblr. 

onto what ur actually saying sdkjfhs I basically agree 100%. ppl who r white passing shouldn’t b able to reclaim slurs bc they’re never gonna have the slurs used against them if they’re white passing? bc like being able to reclaim a slur basically has 2 parts a) was the slur targeted at u (e.g. a butch lesbian can’t reclaim f*g even if its used against them bc it’s meant for gay men and they’re just being mistaken to b a gay man) and b) are u ever actually gonna get targeted by the slur (e.g. a white passing person is never gonna get called a racial slur in the street bc they look white). if u fit both them congrats u can reclaim the slur! but generally I find it rlly iffy if ppl just start throwing around slurs or calling other ppl that slur esp if its not widely reclaimed in the community (big example: YELLOW) 

but also if ur white passing and u decide that ur gonna reclaim a slur ok thats fine bc technically ur a poc but u literally can’t get angry at poc who freak out when u say it bc??? u look white??? what do u want us to do look up ur fucking family tree before u start throwing slurs around??? like anyways I’ve always had a whole mess of issues w white passing ppl and tbh mixed white poc to a certain extent esp when y'all act like the shit u get from poc is just as bad as racism…. like getting ‘rejected’ by a poc culture aint as bad as literal racism but anyways. white passing poc r like….. what u want me to do……. feel sorry for u?? apologise??

like white passing ppl have a unique place in society to b able to stand up against racism in white spaces bc y'all do know what its like to b a poc to a certain extent and obviously have access to white spaces as well. white ppl trust u as an ‘ambassador’ for poc bc u look white but every time I interact w u guys either irl or online u side w white ppl/racism bc its so nice to benefit from appearing white but not so nice to have to stand up for poc. like this is so many ppl ESPECIALLY white passing e asians u guys r transparent as hell. obviously not every white passing person is like this but from all the white passing ppl I’ve interacted w like shits the same bruh. 

ok like 50th anyways but ANYWAYS like I identify myself a lot as a poc online bc theres a lot more solidarity politics(? idk if thats the right term but lmao) on here than irl. the internet is a good way to connect w different ppl that u wouldn’t otherwise meet irl so thats why. its a hard issue bc a lot of the time ‘poc’ merges ALL of our experiences together whether ur rich, poor, white passing, an immigrant, black, asian, etc, etc, etc and we all obviously have different experiences of racism and how we interact w our race/ethnicity and as I’ve said before whilst ‘poc’ is a kinda useful term sometimes for solidarity and talking abt racism generally but its overused a lot. theres no harm in being specific abt the kind of racism u face if its specific to a certain race or ethnicity or group or whatever. 

also tbh a term for non-white passing poc would b useful that doesn’t surround the idea of white passing ppl being the norm. (something like visible poc? idk) but anyways this has gotten so long I’m just ranting/rambling at this point so I’m sorry for answering ur asks so weirdly?