#tbh this is probably dysphoria but it’s just manifesting like this

[avenin]

being like actually vulnerable for a second; I feel like I can’t get over this like trans-medical thought process I have about my own body. the second voice in my head that tells me no matter how hard I work to transition I’ll never be an actual “real” man because I wasn’t born with the parts. it’s like a beast prowling around inside my mind. ripping and tearing at my thoughts until I don’t even know what I want anymore, so I abandon it altogether because how the hell am I supposed to fight a goddamn tiger in my head?

I feel so limited in my own thinking but it’s not as easy as just going “well it’s not true! and you need to just not think that way!” to make it stop. I probably need therapy or some shit about it but I have other things going on in my life. and tbh I sometimes wonder if it’s just my autism brain NEEDING boxes to understand how the world around me works: in combo with societal conditioning. But it’s just so limiting and I feel like I’ve been walking in circles for years now trying to figure out what being trans means to me and I’m getting nowhere. I’m kinda losing my mind about it honestly.

how do you just stop looking at the body and societies ideas of gender as binary code? ones and zeros. like I know nonbinary and gnc and non-traditional looking gender exists and is a thing and I love it and thinks it’s great! I know intersex bodies are real and exist and are beautiful and amazing and shouldn’t be changed! but in regards to myself; how to I stop looking at my body and going “this is not a man. this is never how a man would look no amount of work will ever change that.”

[femboyhorror]

🌲 pines family headcanons ✨ click the read more for more in-depth headcanon stuff!

this started out as a little silly edit of ford, then i decided to do one for stan as well and once that happened i knew i had to do edits for the pines twins as well. i might end up doing others like soos, wendy and pacifica but for now we have the main four pines.

🌲 dipper has glasses but prefers not to wear them. he thinks they look nerdy but wears them more often with the support of mabel and his grunkles. 🌲 bisexual disaster. 🌲 dipper will always be a transboy in my head. struggled with gaining acceptance from his parents but knows he always has a place where he can be himself in gravity falls. 🌲 CW SELF HARM IMPLIED: his dysphoria and dissociation from his body ends up worse for a while after sock opera. for a while turns to… not so great methods to remind himself that his body is his own. 🌲 became clingy after weirdmageddon, either clinging to his sister and grunkles before going back to piedmont or just staying by mabel's side often after. 🌲 probably has pierced ears but would wear very subtle earrings, to mabel's displeasure.

🌠 big decora kei vibes. so many stickers and hair pins. she also will often wear mismatched socks! 🌠 is the one to suggest she and dipper get a matching hair streak. blue was the only color dipper would agree to. 🌠 mabel gives me big pansexual vibes. starts to discover her own identity around the time dipper does, and ends up dating candy and/or grenda for a hot minute. 🌠 wholly supported dipper when he came out as a transboy and was his biggest ally growing up. 🌠 after weirdmageddon she asks ford for drawing lessons. the two bond over arts and crafts. 🌠 CW MILD ED suffers from a sort of survivor's guilt after weirdmageddon, guilt over being tricked by bill and almost staying in mabeland manifesting mostly in the form of being a people pleaser, forgetting to eat and sleep. the other pines thankfully notice this and put a stop to it.

🎣 i love long haired stan. i like to imagine after the series the guy feels comfortable enough to grow his hair out again. 🎣 stretched earlobes! 🎣 is a transman and also gnc as hell. he also is insanely good at using makeup. (dipper and ford don't really use makeup and mabel just likes to be Silly with makeup.) 🎣 (tbh i can also imagine stanley as being transfeminine as well, they're just That Gender.) 🎣 as soon as mabel saw his "glorious mane" she was practically begging him to let her braid it. he pretends to just go along with it for her sake but he secretly loves having her do his hair. 🎣 the adhd to ford's autism. he definitely suffers hard from rejection sensitive dysphoria and tends to panic if it seems like someone is upset with him. (i.e. ford confronting him over the broken machine, mabel upset with him for lying in the land before swine.)

✋ his sweater is a huge comfort for him. in general he likes heavier clothes to ground him. ✋ i like to imagine him with plenty of earrings and tattoos. earrings mainly themed around space and stars and ends up getting some tattos on his wrists to cover the burn scars from weirdmageddon. ✋ a touch of the tism. has a hard time distinguishing tone. (i.e. not being able to tell if wendy was complimenting him ironically or not.) ✋ while he doesn't mind if people see him as a man, he himself doesn't feel all that attached to the idea of being male. fine with any pronouns but probably likes to use neopronouns. (maybe star/starself?) ✋ achillean, mainly attracted to enbies and men. tried to date a few girls growing up to try and be "normal" (comphet's a binch) but at around high school enough bad experiences made him avoid dating for a while. ✋ he loves loves loves space and astronomy! it's sort of his hyperfixation. used to name constellations with stanley while spending nights on the stan o war and they bond over this on the stan o war ii!

[frida-kahl-of-the-rocky-horror]

I don’t think you understand how FULKIN EXCITED I AM for Inside Out 2

I have so many questions and theories but this is the one I think is the most compelling

If someone else has already come up with this theory, great minds thing alike I guess, I’ve been avoiding anything except for the posters and trailers cause I fell victim to Turning Red spoilers

Ok

Ok

Ok

So you know how the mom, dad, broccoli pizza lady, dog, cat, boyfriend, etc didn’t have any of the new emotions in their mind?

Anxiety, Embarrassment, Ennui, and Envy

I think these emotions are all the dark, more extreme, more negative versions of Sadness, Anger, Fear, and Disgust

As someone who has been institutionalized briefly because my Anxiety was so bad, I can tell you Anxiety is a more extreme version of Fear

Ennui is basically boredom with life, melancholy, or depression, so clearly a more extreme version of Sadness

Embarrassment is inward Disgust, Disgust with one’s self, and is more toxic than regular Disgust

And Envy is Anger over the the perceived unfairness of what other people have. Go watch the ContraPoints video if you haven’t already. But yes, a more toxic manifestation of Anger.

I believe all five of our main emotions — Joy, Sadness, Disgust, Fear, and Anger — will be separated from the control base and the beginning of Riley’s puberty journey, and these negative emotions will take their place

Which, as someone who has gone through puberty three times, I can tell you emotions with puberty are a lot more heightened and extreme

What I’m trying to say is it will be a Dr Jeckell Mr Hyde kinda thing with all the new emotions being Hyde

But I hear you saying, what about Joy

I have a couple theories about Joy’s alternate, toxic self

1) it’ll be a toxic version like the rest, probably Schadenfreude, and the reason they didn’t include Schadenfreude in the teaser is because it’s going to be a big joke when they get introduced, kinda like the burgundy bird in Angry Birds, where Schadenfreude is like this giant menacing emotion, see this

2) it’ll be Love, and they will come in at the end and make the 5 emotion’s rediscover self love and love for their alter ego selves, which will lead to them understanding the complexity and range of human emotions

3) it’ll be Lust, who doesn’t get mentioned until the last second in a post credit scene as a joke for the parents (and they won’t say the full name, just like the character, in a super sexy voice, will be like “I’m luuuuuuuuss-“

4) it will be Obsession and they’re still figuring out the kinks of the character design. Their name fits with the “new emotions names start with a vowel” trend

5) It will be Peaceful, same thing as Love

6) it will be Antici…

…Pation and they’re trying to get Tim Curry to play the emotion version of Frank N Furter

7) Euphoria, but they didn’t want to announce them because Disney might have been in hot water if they announced that before the movie came out because crazy conservatives would be like “OMG DISNEY IS PUSHING DRUG USE ON KIDS?????!!!!???!???”

8) Or I could be completely wrong

Ok

Ok

Ok

Also, for designs, you know how each of the OG five were based on objects associated with their emotions?

Fear was a nerve ending, joy was a star, sadness a tear drop, Anger a fire brick, Disgust broccoli

So far I think Envy is based on the Evil Eye 🧿

Embarrassment is what we in the Bizz like to call a Dysphoria hoodie

Idk about Anxiety and Ennui tbh

Ok

Ok

Ok

Lastly, I’m sad that Bill Hader and Mindy Kaling aren’t returning. No offence to the new actors, but come on Disney, pay your people better

Ok

That’s all for now

[plumroseiswriting]

SOME LORE FOR THE BOYS AND THEIR ADHD This will have a lot of text I'm sorry

All the boys in my AU have adhd, Donnie is the only one Splinter knows for sure is autistic as well but tbh Leo and Raph probably are too. Their adhd also affects them all very differently.

Mikey is very classic adhd where his brain just never stops and he tends to ramble. He SEEMS very random but he’s had a full conversation in his head that ties whatever was being talked about to the off topic subject he’s currently ranting about. He’s got very little volume control and is easily distracted. Unlike most Mikey’s though, it’s not an excuse used for why he’s “dumb” Mikey is very smart! Just not in the same ways as the others. He has more common sense than Donnie, better at planning than Raph, and more self confidence than Leo. His main issues are linked to his mind just never shutting up and acting before he's fully thought the action through which makes him erratic and impulsive. He has a terrible memory, much MUCH worse than any of the others. He rarely knows what's going on around him simply due to his mind wiping itself every few minutes(this gets better the more he actually HAS to be aware of his surroundings) This leads to a lot of babying from the others that he genuinely hates. He also has a lot of sensory issues such as his inability to handle being barefoot and extreme claustrophobia when wearing tight clothes.

Raph’s adhd causes rejection sensitivity dysphoria to the point even minor comments or completely innocuous conversations register as hate filled and angry and he just about always assumes he's in trouble even when no one has indicated he is at all. Which then leads to him getting in trouble because he starts fights. He’s almost constantly in emotional overload because of this and is the number 1 reason he developed anger issues in the first place. Unlike Mikey who’s brain never shuts up, Raph has a very hard time thinking and is a slow processor. He's the only one with dyslexia which has left him almost unable to read (Mikey and now April i suppose are the only ones that know this) which only fuels his self hating tendencies and stress spirals. It has manifested into a deep depression and passive suicidal thoughts that have only gotten worse with time that is unintentionally exacerbated by Splinter. He has a very addictive personality due to a desperation for dopamine which has caused a lot of self loathing. The combination of anger issues, depression, rsd, probable autism, and just general trauma he eventually develops a personality disorder.

Leo’s adhd manifests mostly in an extreme anxiety disorder and insomnia/delayed sleep phase disorder. Just like most Leo’s he's a people pleaser because he desperately doesn’t want to be viewed as a nuisance or incapable. He’s also not very good at speaking clearly, words and meanings get scrambled in his head which is why Raph often feels blamed for things that go wrong even when that isn't what Leo is trying to tell him. He has an uncanny ability to unintentionally put blame on others because he just NEEDS to be the one everyone likes and trusts(which means Raphs distrust of him hurts a lot more than the others are aware of) Due to this need to be needed he's had far too much responsibility put on him by his family and himself. This of course only makes his anxiety worse. He has the same mile a second brain Mikey does but he's not impulsive because again, anxiety. He tries to be doing 3-4 things at once just to get his head to stop running away with him and meditation is mostly just him ruminating until he either feels better or about 50x worse. He zones out the most out of them all and has longer hyper fixations than either Mikey or Raph some lasting several years.

Donnie's main issues with adhd are the inability to follow routine combined with his innate need for it. The cognitive immobility that won't let him do things he wants leaving him in a "stuck" state of just sitting and staring or internally yelling at himself for an hour until he manages to force himself up to work. It makes him feel incredibly lazy even though he is almost constantly working or doing something. The only truly "good" thing the adhd gives him is a wealth of creativity beyond any of the others and he focuses all of it on making his toys(special interest) He has rsd as well but it isn't as bad as Raph's(because he almost never actually gets in trouble) but his self worth got placed in his ability to create due to the positive reinforcement from the others. He has anger issues like Raph as well, but they're far more passive and he is more emotionally intelligent so he can redirect when he's actually mad vs another emotion filtering itself through anger. His sleeping issues are slightly self induced but also his ADHD and inability to move from his current task regardless of what it is. His sensory issues are actually less than Mikey's

[valravn72]

Count my Xehanorts:

Xehanorts that are DEFINITELY Xehanort (may contain a little Terra): Master Xehanort, Young Xehanort, Terranort, Ansem-Terranort if you count him as a separate guy (I do lol), Ansem Seeker of Darkness, Xemnas, you may count the Young Xehanort in KH III and 3D as separate from the real one who continues the timeline towards Dark Road (again, I do).

~7 (oh god. seven.)

Basic Replicas: No Heart, the TWELVE replica Xehanorts.

~ 13 (FUCK)

Formerly Norted Pre-Final Keyblade War: Aqua (Anti Aqua), Terra (Terranort, I am not counting him again btw this is just for consistency), Axel (barely), Vexen (barely), Demyx (barely), Zexion (barely), Lexeaus (barely), Xaldin (barely but I kind of want to count him for the specific reason that his is on Xehanort’s side in Alba & Ater. Which is a stupid reason), Roxas (barely), Riku (I would say he is more… Ansem-ed? And then original org members are Xemnas-ed… if that makes sense).

~ 2 counting Terranort. 10 counting Terranort if I count everyone else which I really don’t. So really only 1.

Semi? Norted Vessels during the final keyblade war: Saïx, Larxene, Marluxia, Xigbar, Xion, Replica Repliku (calling him that is fun okay), Luxord.

~ 7 (OH MY GOD.)

Wait. I forgot Vanitas. It’s 8. Okay we’re good.

So overall that would be:

- Only including the definitely Xehanorts: 7

- Including the definitely Xehanorts and non-autonomous replicas: 20

- The above but including Anti-Aqua: 21

- The above but not including the replicas because they are not sentient: 8

- The above but including the keyblade war vessels: 16

- The above but adding the replicas back: 29

So if you take Xigbar’s word on being “half Xehanort” (I cannot imagine his grasp on identity is very sound as a Luxu vessel, but I digress), and include non-sentient clones and Aqua, which you probably should if you are counting Ansem Terranort (which I do), then you have 29 Xehanorts! Congrats, you have counted my Xehanorts.

Going to count Soras, Rikus and Luxus for a sec for funsies.

Count My Soras:

Definitely Sora: Sora

~ 1

Clone of Sora (not just physically): Xion, Roxas, Data Sora (I hope he’s doing alright idk where he is is he ok. I hope he got to be gay with insect journal Riku)

~ 3

Sora via retcon (not a story retcon like a spiritual retcon): Ventus, Vanitas

~ 2

Already HALF Sora /ref: Naminé

~ 1

Ventus???: Armored Ventus Nightmare (I just count it as Ventus tbh)

~ 1

Heartless: Tiny little Shadow Sora, Darkside Sora, AntiSora (there are too many of these guys I’m only counting them once because no)

~ 3 (personally I count Shadow Sora as just being Sora and I don’t count AntiSoras because they’re non-sentient. I do count Darkside Sora though idk why)

I feel like if we count Ventus we should kind of count her but no one does: Kairi

~ 1

Counting only sentient Soras and excluding Kairi, Darkside Sora, Shadow Sora and Armored Ventus Nightmare we have. SEVEN SORAS. NO I DID NOT CHERRY PICK THEM IN ORDER TO GET THAT NUMBER I PROMISE. ANYWAY, CONGRATS ON COUNTING MY SORAS. YIPPIE.

Count my Rikus:

Definitely Riku: Riku

Riku clones: Repliku

Clones of Riku clones: Replica Repliku (hehehehe)

Riku having body dysphoria and ptsd because he looks like his abuser and feels like crap about himself because he just sacrificed several children to his boyfriend: Riku-Ansem (this is the same guy. Also why is he called that shouldn’t he be called Ansem-Riku since he is Riku)

Clone of Riku crossbred with the digital manifestation of a journal written by a cricket: Data-Riku

There is one of each of these and I don’t count Riku-Ansem. There are four Rikus. Congrats you have counted my Rikus. They include Riku, clone of Riku and clone of clone of Riku. I think Vexen needs to come up with other ideas for replicas maybe. This is getting kind of weird. Edit: Also gay bug book boy is there. Normal franchise.

Count my Luxus:

Definitely Luxu: Luxu

~1

Eventually Luxu (and then not Luxu again I think, idk I have not been keeping up with Missing Link): Brain

~1

I think this may just be Luxu but in a different body and assuming a different identity: Bragi, Braig, Xigbar (counting Braig and Xigbar separately here because of the category but I count them as the same dude otherwise)

~2

All of them but counting Xiggy and Braig as the same person is three. Three Luxus is too many Luxus imo. Congrats, you have counted my Luxus. What if they made more… Just kidding. As if.

Congrats you have counted the freaks. Have a good day.

"nonbinary people are just confused" YOURE DAMN RIGHT IM CONFUSED. I DONT EVEN KNOW WHATS GOING ON ANYMORE. WHO THE FUCK IS THIS XEHANORT GUY AND WHY ARE THERE FOUR OF HIM

[cyberjaiee]

(｀Δ´) ﹒ ❋﹒📦 ﹒manifestation lesson one !? ﹐✩

⠀

# WHAT THE HELL IS MANIFESTING . . . !!! 🩹 ★?!% ft. my personal manifestation back story

⠀

i was reading a post on pinterest one day and i fully realized just what it is when i’m manifesting. unfortunately, the post had no credits ( it was cropped out because ppl tend to think that’s a good idea.. ) but if u think i’m referring to your post, shoot me a dm and i’ll edit in credits !!

thankfully, i wasn’t in my law of attraction phase for long. i practiced law of attraction beliefs when i had first started shifting in 2018.

i thought i needed to take a shower, read my script, clean my room, stay happy, all of the law of attraction bullshit, in order to shift. i thought i had to do all this before attempting to shift in order for it to be a successful shift. of course, that never worked because like i said, it’s bullshit. so since it didn’t work i took a break, for a couple of years lol. i didn’t get back into shifting until 2021 when i had became unhappy with my body bc of personal experiences, so i desired change. yes, when it blew up on tiktok. i became reliant on it because i wanted to do anything i could to get away from my void ( current ) reality. i was using shifting as a desperate escape, i became obsessed. then i stopped again, because obviously it wasn’t working. then, i started hating my body again as old memories started resurfacing. they started to haunt me more and more.

in comes : subliminals.

i’ve known what subliminals were since 2017 when i started listening to subliminals to improve myself mentally, in hope my parents would be proud of the person i had become. i’m not going to get into that at all in this post so anyways-

when i started hating my body in 2021, i started listening to subliminals for a flatter chest, flatter stomach, tiny waist, abs- yk…. the things dysphoria can do to you. my desires where all over the place as i was still unsure what my gender identity was. one day, while listening to subliminals, a video was recommended to me.

in comes : hyler.

i love hyler with my entire being. without her i probably wouldn’t have found the law of assumption for a while. to this day, i still watch hyler just for fun, i love her energy and she frequently adds a new perspective with how i manifest. but anyways, hylers full explanation on what the law of assumption was, was the video that i watched. instantly, i fell in love. i loved the law of assumption and had more faith in it. since discovering, i binged all of the videos she had posted at that time was able to manifest plenty of things, but all of the ‘big’ manifestations came in ‘late’.

for a while i stopped consciously manifesting but would still watch hyler until she mentioned another youtuber and i checked her out as well.

in comes : sammy ingram.

i started watching sammy for self-concept and physical appearance related things. i liked her confidence so i listened and with this i was able to work on my self-concept a bit, but no major changes. after a while, i started wanting my ex back…. an embarrassing era tbh.

now i don’t watch sammy anymore, i personally do not like what she teaches and you’ll understand why very soon.

this is not with the intent to start drama or throw any types of shade. i’m simply stating some beliefs i had which, tbh, where both me and sammy’s fault.

now that we’re done with my goofy ass manifestation origin story, let’s get back on track. the pinterest post. sammy often preached about ( past tense bc idk what she talks abt now ) saturating your subconscious mind. she would talk about keeping a mental diet, affirming as much as you could, etc etc. and back then, i took it as truth. subliminals would talk about the same thing, saying : listen at least 30 mins a day, stick to your playlist, only listen to one topic then flush etc etc. now, i realize how untrue all of this is.

i would make subliminals with affirmations like ‘ive always had clear skin’ or ‘i already have my results’ but i would always look at it as revision affs. the truth is, i have TRULY always had clear skin. i actually do ALREADY have my results

every version of yourself from every reality you exist in is morphed into you. you are every single version of yourself that is possible. once you realize this, you’re at your highest power constantly. reality exist, the physical reality is real, just not in the way you think. its a real reality but not 'your' reality. not the one you're meant to be conscious of. you are able to shift anywhere easily and instantly, there's literally nothing that can stop you. there are infinite realities, there is a change in each reality. even the smallest changes exist in another reality. the small fact that a piece of your rug is facing another direction in this moment, is a reality in itself. everything is the same, except the fact that a piece of your rug is facing another direction, right now. any change that could possibly exist, no matter how many changes there are, it does.

when you shift realities, you are not yeeting your body into some other dimension with the possibility of being stuck, no. a shift in reality is simply a shift in consciousness. in one reality you aren’t even reading this post, in another you stopped reading a few seconds ago, but in this one, in the reality you are consciously aware of, you are still reading this. you’re constantly shifting, each moment you are shifting to a reality where you are doing what you are doing right now, thinking what you’re thinking right now, ykwim ?

ok that was a lot.. are you still with me ??

when you shift, you become aware of another reality that simultaneously exists with the one you are aware of right now. you don’t create anything, it already exists. you are simply unaware of that reality.

like i said before, you are one with every you in each reality always. you are never GETTING anything, it has always been yours. listening to subliminals, affirming, etc, it’s all just a reminder of what you already have. for example, i tell myself : ‘i have a tiny waist.’ of course i do. there is a reality where i have a super tiny waist and all i’m doing is becoming aware that it’s something i have. everything is the same, but instead, i now have a tiny waist. i'm in that reality now.

i used to think you’d have to work on your self-concept to manifest. when really, i don’t need to do anything but become aware. you don’t need to do anything but occupy the state of having your desire. you do not need to remove all your limiting beliefs, you don't need to saturate your subconscious, you don't need to go on a mental diet, you don’t have to fully believe or work on your self-concept, stop trying to be so perfect and stop abiding by these rules that never existed. trust yourself, know that everything you want is already yours. once you occupy this state, once you realize you are just shifting to a reality that you already exist in, you will realize just how easy and effortless this all truly is. when i listen to subs i’m reminding myself of what i have, same with visualizing, affirming, etc. my physical ( 3d ) reality has already conformed, i am just becoming aware of the reality where that is obvious. i’m not getting my desire, i’m reminding myself that i’ve had it for as long as i wanted.

this is why people say thinking of your desire brings it to you. it’s not an exaggeration for fast results, it’s true. the moment i desire something, i realize that there are infinite realities and infinite versions of me that already have what i desire. so, by getting into the mindset of having my desires, my reality will shift to give me my desires. i persist in the assumption that i already have what i want and instantly there is evidence of it in my physical reality. whatever i keep assuming manifests because my subconscious will find it true and will make me aware of the reality where that exists. i just change my thoughts.

in the next post i will explain what i do to manifest,, yk so that its fun and extra <33

side note - when i was checking my timeline i came across these angel numbers lol, was scared as hell to post this but i am seeing this as reassurance,, if u like this pls lmk :

© @cyberjaiee - 2022

[hypoallergenicpunx]

i know this is probably an unpopular opinion but i get bi/pan (ftm) trans vibes from Vi.

hear me out.

the way Vi looks at Caitlyn is absolutely gay as all fuck.

but honestly so is the way they wink at Jayce (think about it).

i've seen peeps saying Vi is strictly a lesbian but i get the vibe they'd be bi/pan or even use them interchangeably (i think undercity would probably think pan is a dumb term because they've already established the understanding that bi is gnc af, pan is a topside thing that younger undercity generation will use too for safety reasons but also if they feel the term suits them better. i also feel older folk topside would think of it as pretty taboo to be bi so like peeps like Elora are also kind of bitter about pan because she feels like bi is being swept under the rug but will tolerate (begrudgingly) those who identify with it though she will absolutely criticize it openly.

so that whole dynamic considered, i feel like gender wasn't a huge deal for Vi until their chest started developing and maybe they identified as male while in prison or found out they got some sense of gender euphoria from binding to keep themself from being hyper-sexualized or sexually assaulted. overall i really think they would identify as a demiboy, not really feeling like they would need surgery but if the opportunity presented itself would go for at least partial reduction. i feel like Caitlyn would gladly pay for it or somehow make it seem like the opportunity came to Vi organically by some stroke of luck (idt Vi takes well to charity) - mostly because when she found out they bind (usually for much longer periods of time than they're supposed to) she's so worried about them hurting themself and insists. if Vi found out she was behind it would get upset that it wasn't fair for the other undercity trans folks & thus the concept of a clinic funded by Caitlyn topside with the proceeds going to the same clinic but un the undercity to help those without the money to transition (if they wish). that said i feel like maybe Vi would have taken testosterone for a period of time but in small doses, not to grow facial hair or anything but so their voice would drop some and then after that decided it wasn't necessary to continue.

i feel like Vi wouldn't necessarily have bottom dysphoria but would find the suggestion of them being able to get pregnant kind of cripplingly dysphoric and would have gone back alley to get their tubes tied. that said kids are on the table, just Caitlyn would either have to be the "mother"/pregnant one or they would adopt. (tbh i see Vi and Caitlyn as a longterm thing even if they eventually split or got divorced,

as an extension of that i feel like they would prefer being called 'Mod'/'Maddy'/'Per' (idk why but Mod sounds really natural to me) and say if Jayce and Vi or whatever became an item he would ask about if it bothers them not to be called dad and they'd be like no because that's not me and he'd have respect for that.

aside from that idt Vi would have a problem with pronouns, going by pm any but secretly getting a little boost of gender euphoria when masc or neutral was assumed. does get a bit dysphoric if called fem pronouns too much because most do assume they are a girl and will also stir up scared feelings from being in prison and stuff that would end up with them drinking to forget/beating the shit out of something and then either or having a good cry that takes the load off and makes it all better.

i think Vi would still very much like being referred to as a lesbian despite the way they identify and while i personally don't understand it i do respect it (tbh feeling like Vi would do that is really something weird for me as a concept because i solely identify as male and have been called a lesbian and found that terribly dysphoric but from the experiences i've observed of other people i think this would be true in their case.

if Vi got like super bad dysphoria for some reason that manifested as anger Jayce would absolutely take it from a strap and tell them how big and hot it is actually calling them sir to really drive the point home - if really sad would praise Vi as his 'baby boy' or his 'prince', calling their clit a tdick or a cock to reassure their own doubts of their masculinity/androgyny.

honestly the more i write about it the more affirmed i am that it's very true to character, i really thought about it and i think it would make a lot of sense without necessarily denouncing them as a lesbian icon or straight up denying that it's within the realm of possibility? idk. i just, it's been eating away at me since i first started watching arcane & i know the only way i'm gonna be able to pick back up on it is if i voice my thoughts.

i hope this doesn't offend anyone (even though it probably will).

[thoughtseeker-the-dragon]

eh, why not, we'll do it

1/ Which category of alterhumanity do you belong to?

A: Somewhere between otherkin and otherlink. If we had to give a definitive best-fit answer a few hours ago, we would have said otherlink, but looking back to our younger days, there was probably some unidentified therianthropy going on.

2/ What/who is/are your type(s)? (if you have any)

We're definitely a shapeshifter at heart, but our preferred form is either a anthro NightWing from the Wings of Fire series or an anthro orange fox, or something between those two. We've never had a feral form manifest.

3/ Do you experience shifts? If so, can you tell us your most common shifts and your strangest cameo shift (if you've ever had a cameo shift)?

Yes, but strictly phantom shifts. We've never mentally shifted or anything, but our phantom shifts are pretty nice tbh. We've learned to somewhat control them, but that control is subconscious so its more like something we do when our brain is idle, like when we're driving or working on something. Basically, we can't control our shifts, but they never happen in a way that is disruptive to our human life.

We don't have the definition of "cameo shift" pinned down yet, but if we answer with what we know: We're kinda in a phase where Riggs, the possum in our pfp, sort of bleeds into our other experiences which, outside of some cobalt core brainrot moments irl (boba shops, iykyk), mostly means that there's some part of us that is Riggs right now

4/ How do you experience your alterhumanity in everyday life?

Other than what we've mentioned previously, not very much. Most of the time, when our otherkinnity "leaks out", its pretty easy to just brush it off as a furry tendency (this mostly takes the form of someone sending us a picture of a fox and saying "you" or something like that, for example)

5/ What do you think of the community?

Uh, we're not sure. We haven't really interacted with it much, but outside of your good ol' tumblr discourse (why is there SO MUCH!?), which we should note is a bit more sparse than other communities, we've had good interactions, but we really don't interact much because we haven't completely killed the part of us that cringes at therianthropy yet.

6/ What are the things that make you most comfortable and euphoric in your alterhumanity?

We have a fox fursuit tail that we wish we could wear more often, but our lifestyle has a lot of sitting or laying down involved when we aren't in public, and even if we are, we're not really in a safe space to be doing it outside of our car, and we figured out that driving with a tail on is not a good idea.

7/ Are you experiencing species dysphoria?

Not right now, but our depressive episodes kick up the dysphoria as what we can only assume to be a coping mechanism. It usually manifests as "man, shit would be a lot easier if we had wings".

8/ What advice would you like to say to a young alterhuman who has just awakened?

oh floof, we're all are in this together lol. We'll give it a shot though.

Learn to vibe check. We're serious. If you're LGBTQ+ then you might know what we mean. If your like us and you're keen to reveal your weirdest (/pos) traits to the world around you, make sure you can read the room and make sure it's safe to do so. Be weird, but stay safe.

9/ Do you have/want to have gears?

For therian-specific stuff like masks or realistic fursuits, no, not at all. But for FURRY stuff, hell yeah we do. Our current saving goal is for a full fursuit.

10/ Do you know/have any theories about the origin of your alterhumanity? If so, tell us! (all beliefs are legitimate)

but looking back to our younger days, there was probably some unidentified therianthropy going on.

This question is what prompted the introspection from before. As a kid, we didn't grow out of the "playing pretend" phase until like 6th grade when we stopped going to an aftercare program and started going straight home from school. Most of our "playing pretend" stuff was pretty obvious furry-in-the-making stuff, like we all pretended we were wolves and shit. That's probably when it STARTED, as for the ORIGIN of our alterhumanity, we believe that there are COUNTLESS universes running parallel to our own, with new ones being created every instant with every decision made. The divergence point that created Thoughtseeker in their universe was me getting abducted in 8th grade, something that didn't happen in our world. For some reason, the barrier between realities is weak specifically around me, and Thoughtseeker (or at least an instance of them) leaked into my head.

none of that origin stuff is anything deep-rooted, we may or may not have subconsciously taken the question as a writing prompt and acted accordingly :)

If you are a alterhuman, reblog and answer these questions!

(don't be afraid to write a lot, do what you want ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯)

1/ Which category of alterhumanity do you belong to?

2/ What/who is/are your type(s)? (if you have any)

3/ Do you experience shifts? If so, can you tell us your most common shifts and your strangest cameo shift (if you've ever had a cameo shift)?

4/ How do you experience your alterhumanity in everyday life?

5/ What do you think of the community?

6/ What are the things that make you most comfortable and euphoric in your alterhumanity?

7/ Are you experiencing species dysphoria?

8/ What advice would you like to say to a young alterhuman who has just awakened?

9/ Do you have/want to have gears?

10/ Do you know/have any theories about the origin of your alterhumanity? If so, tell us! (all beliefs are legitimate)

11/ Tag someone/a creature to answer these questions!ㅤᵕ̈

[firelord-frowny]

so, i’m back in my I Need To Start Therapy Again mood. 

Which I mean... technically I’m ALWAYS in that mood lmao but sometimes I’m able to go several weeks feeling comfortable that I’m doing all the good things I can do for myself in my current circumstances, and that it would be unrealistic and unfair if I asked any more of myself. These are usually the weeks where I’m practicing violin like crazy - I’ll never get into the quality of graduate program I want to get into if I don’t practice hard and long. 

But like WOW the kind of depression I get when I think too hard about the fact that my current level of success in my ~professional life~ is not at ALL congruent with my high skill levels and tremendous potential... is probably my least favorite kind of depression I’ve experienced so far. I mean, it’s not totally soul-rending and helpless like my transness/gender dysphoria. It doesn’t make me want to die, and it doesn’t make me fear that I’ll never find true comfort and happiness and companionship in life. 

but it DOES make me feel... pathetic. Like, people that aren’t half as good as I am at things are world famous for it. People are making hundreds of thousands of dollars a year, sometimes more, doing the exact same shit I’m good at. Musicians who are not nearly as skilled as I am are off getting graduate degrees and becoming professors and founding regional orchestras. people are getting their writings published. 

and i’m just?????

not. 

and i know I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW that the main reason for this is because I don’t even give myself the chance to try. Literally, I’m not DOING the things that could lead to me actually reaching my full potential and enabling myself to make an actual living. I don’t have any writings published because I’ve never fucking sent anything to a publishing company, or a literary magazine, and I’ve never put any genuine effort into actually finding an agent. I don’t have an advanced degree in music because i haven’t fucking auditioned for any programs. i’m fucking broke because i don’t actively seek out gigs because i’m too full of myself to want to play the kinds of gigs that are easiest to get, aka, I’m Too Stuck Up To Play With People I Think Are Bad Musicians. i can’t drive because i’m too scared to learn*. I’ve never put real, sustained effort into capitalizing on any of the professors I’ve had who have offered to help me advance my education and my career. I mean, I’ve emailed people about it, but they don’t reply (EVEN IF THEY’RE THE ONE WHO TOLD ME TO EMAIL THEM???) and then i’m too self conscious and embarrassed to try to contact them again, even though i KNOOOOWWWWW that they’re not going to be a dick to me about it. 

i remember in a Divorce Court episode, one of the litigants suffered from anxiety so bad that it kept her from even leaving the house on a regular basis. So the judge brought in a mental health expert to talk to her about what, exactly, is the cause of that kind of anxiety, and why it requires treatment. the expert said something along the lines of: “Anxiety only gets worse over time, and it does not get better without treatment.” which i mean, i am SURE it’s not quite that simple, but it certainly rings true. I’m more of a terrified, self-loathing wreck now than i was when I was like 17. 

So like... it’s totally unreasonable for me to just white-knuckle my way through life and just Hope that someday I’ll suddenly manifest the ability to be proactive in building a good life for myself. 

so i KNOW i need help. and a lot of my frands in real life and on tumblr have encouraged me to start therapy again, and assured me that no, my therapist is not going to roll her eyes at me and call me stupid and lazy for having quit therapy with her all of a sudden over a year ago. 

But I still can’t make myself do it. :( And one reason, I know, is because I have new insurance, and the fact that I don’t know how insurance even works makes me feel so overwhelmed. like, how do i even tell her what my insurance is?? what sort of Actual Information am I supposed to give her?? does it pay the entire cost, or just a portion?? and if i do have out of pocket costs... how do i even pay those??? 

OBVIOUSLY this is all stuff that the therapist (or her secretary or whatever???) would explain to me. she’d tell me what information she needs, and where to find it, and then all i’d have to do is just... obey! follow her instructions!

but im like LITERALLY almost in tears right now just thiking about how much i don’t want to experience the undue and irrational embarrassment I’ll feel when I have that conversation with her. 

it’s so fucking stupid!!!! 

i don’t feel quite this awful about this shit all the time, but the fact that my mind even puts me in this place at all is just??? SO unhealthy. and i deserve treatment for it, just like i deserve treatment with any physical/medical ailment i may ever have. 

tbh at this point i have half a mind to just... ask a friend to pretend to be me and call my therapist and schedule an appointment for me, bc right at this moment, i REALLY don’t feel like i can do it. :( 

or maybe i can draft an email and then just have someone else hit send. 

idk.

im having a bad night. :(

i was about to type that i just want to be normal. but i don’t want to be normal. i like being fucking ridiculous. what i want is to be FUNCTIONAL.

[smol-grey-tea]

I was gonna write the romo attraction thing today but honestly i dont feel like doing it bc im just rlly upset about smth that im sure a lot of ppl can relate to

So my irl friend groups are very... well they dont know much about these kinds of things, i had to be a walking encyclopaedia for them about my identities like nb stuff bc they didn't bother to just... look it up.

When i told them i was trans they would say "omg are you actually trans?? I have a trans best friend!!" Yikes

Instead they would ask me to explain it. Which is fine, i kinda hate having to explain for the 5th time that no, using the correct terms and pronouns is not a fucking burden, and that yes, dysphoria is awful and wont just magically go away.

and when i tell them to yk, not use pronouns for me and just use my name instead, not 1 person did that. They just... misgendered me and used she/her when i explicitly told them that it makes me dysphoric. I then told them to use coo/coos/cooself instead bc i quite like it, but they still didnt use it.

Then i gave up and told them to use they/them since it doesnt make me dysphoric even tho i lowkey hate it. They still misgender me but said "they'll try to get used to it". Its not that hard guys what the actual fuck???

Anyway, i was actually going to talk about aspec stuff. So i only told one of them that i was demiromantic demisexual, and they said "wtf is that" which yk is not a nice way to react to someone coming out, but i have thick skin so i just explained it bc again they couldnt bother to search it, and they said "ok ig" and changed the subject when i wanted to explain my attraction???? I've never had anyone that i could talk to about my complicated feelings with being aspec and just when i thought i could i was shut down.

I thought it was over and done with, until they started to... ignore my fucking identity??? Which i would say is way more important and personal to me than my bisexuality??? They never did any of that bs with my bisexuality probably bc they were pansexual themself, but jfc is it that hard to not make jokes about me being horny or having a crush or joking about setting me up on blind dates??? It legit made me so uncomfortable and i have no idea what to say.

Bc remember, they didnt exactly respect my pronouns and kept using gendered terms to refer to me even more after i came out??? I swear it feels like its on purpose every time they called me a girl but whatever

Istg they forgot that im demi bc they keep making these jokes and ignoring that i dont feel sexual or romantic attraction like that and keep acting as if i want to date ppl or fuck them when i say they look pretty??? I spent way too fucking long mistaking my aesthetic attraction for sexual for ppl to once again reinforce this idea and im done with it. Please for the love of god stop it.

I said i liked wilbur and thought he was rlly cute and they then proceeded to, you guessed it, act like im in love with him or that i want to fuck him. First of all, hes a real person on the internet that i do not know, 2nd of all, fucking eww, and 3rd of all, hes a whole ass adult and we r both in high school. Yikes again.

Ofc i didnt tell them these things and just said that i dont like him that way and just thought he was pretty and nothing else. They completely ignored this and thought i was just embarrassed or smth or that i was in denial. Yikes again again.

So yeah. The only lesson i learned is to never come out as aspec to anyone irl ever again. Tbh i kinda want to tell them that im not bi and that i dont feel any kind of attraction. It would be a lie but christ i wish they would stop. They can validate my bisexuality but not my nb or aspec identities? I knew that queer sexualities were more normalized now which is awesome but why cant they do that for trans ppl or aspecs? Why does it have to stop there?

Sorry for venting like this but i thought this might be relatable for yall. Ive never had the experience of feeling "broken" bc of any of my identities, im very confident in them. I just wish other ppl other than my online friends would feel the same.

Also sorry for delaying the romo attraction thingy i just rlly dont feel like it rn. Idk when i will write it but hopefully if i feel better i will finish it today

There's no pressure to write it up dude it's cool :) whenever you're ready ❤

And those ppl do not sound like good friends- idk exactly how old you are but ik I'm older, and I can tell you for certain that you will find better friends one day. It's guaranteed :) they don't deserve your friendship and I am glad to validate and help you in any way you need ❤❤

Yee I've never felt broken either! I think an element of that is that I thought I was allo for a very long time? But on the other hand I was bullied in my childhood for not having attraction so idk why that hasn't manifested into a phobia of romance but eh I'm better off this way whether it makes sense or not.

It makes me happy as well cuz a lot of ppl in the community seem very pessimistic abt how we're treated but it's nice to know that not all of us feel broken cuz the 2 of us are living examples of that :)

But unfortunately yeah, your experiences above are things many ppl can relate to. I'm sure almost everyone can remember a time where they came out to someone and weren't met with good responses,,

Let this be a reminder that this is not right and we deserve more support for something so personal. Even if you don't understand someone's identity that doesn't give you the right to dismiss or ignore them. Our identities are very important and personal to us and supporting them is basic respect.

[chowtrolls]

❤️🧡💛💗🌸 for mister chowowowow

I DONT KNOW WHAT THE FIRST TWO ARE :(

❤️ What inspired you to make this OC? How long have you had them? How have they changed in the time you’ve been developing them?

I made Chow, apparently, July 1st 2014! Chow was a concept I had for a while! The way it went down was like...I wanted a chow chow themed troll, based off my dog Gia. Six years ago, Geebee wassss 7? Full of spitfire. My original Idea for Chow was that he would be a jade or olive. But I made a friend, named Corpse, who had JUST messaged me about their new troll Toresce, who was lookin for a boyfriend! Well, Toresce wouldn’t date anyone under Blue. So I made Chow a blueblood! Which actually worked really well tbh! Chow has absolutely changed in the time I’ve had him, he used to have really stupid hair. He was always a lil fighter, though! His backstory changed and developed over time.

🧡 What traits of your own do you see in this OC? Are they a little bit self-inserty? Don’t be shy, we all put parts of ourselves into the creations we love! 

So, very funnie story (to me). When I started in the ftc, I thought I was a girl, used she/her whathave u. About 2015? I changed to they/them. And...about that time...I was talking to Corpse and I was like “lol what if Chow was trans. wild.” So he became trans! And I started like, funneling my dysphoria and anger over my gender into him. It hit me about 2017 that hey dumbass maybe YOURE trans :) Alongside that, I frequently describe Chow as the “manifestation of my anger.” Chow went through something incredibly traumatic and instead of like. trying to heal. He just got REALLY angry, and decided he was going to take the ENTIRE world out. Kinda like me in high school! Teenage Angst amped up to level 500.

💛 What is your personal opinion of this OC? Do you love them or are they your trash child? Are they your baby? 

I love Chow. He has Favorite Child Status. Like yeah i got Romune n Plutos n Bruuno, they’re okay. Chow is my favorite child. He’s incredibly special and dear to my heart, even though he’s a prick ass punk.

🌸 What’s a sentence that would make your OC’s day better? One that would make them laugh? One that would make their day worse? Why? What words would you have to say to them to completely ruin their day? 

The easiest way to completely tank Chow’s day is to bring up his past trauma. He’ll instantly go on the defensive and you’ll probably have a black eye. Alongside that, if at any point, you just....say....you’re disappointed in him. He will crumble. He will be inconsolable.

[diivinitiies]

→ headcanon: jae-ha’s ptsd.

i remember mentioning a million years ago how i was gonna try to write out something about how jae-ha’s mind works and basically the influence that his childhood abuse ( which was physical and mental // emotional ) had on him. so here is an attempt to expand on it a little more. idk i probably will edit this more as time goes on but i wanted to post this here really for my own reference.

jae-ha has complex ptsd ( with psychosis ) given that it was chronic abuse ( happened over a period of 12 years ). he didn’t have many of the protective factors either — he was socially and physically isolated, and his abuser was really his only point of contact ( though i often mention garou as his sole abuser, the villagers were also complicit in this abuse, and really the purveyor of it ). his mental d/o is undiagnosed, even in his modern verse ( since he had no interest in going to therapy & refused to ). i’ll split this up into childhood and adulthood manifestations because while he hasn’t “gotten over it” he has shifted in the symptoms he primarily experiences. his coping mechanisms into adulthood make the existence of these issues more subtle, but sometimes he does experience the other ( childhood ) symptoms, just less frequently than when he was younger & usually brought on by a trigger. just fyi, jae-ha will probably never really speak about this in its entirety, especially the hallucinations.

CHILDHOOD // TEENAGE YEARS

paranoia // distrust // hypervigilance — constantly on edge around others, didn’t really want to stay in one place // he was constantly on the run thinking that the villagers would be after him, even long after he left // he was often distrustful of the intentions of others after garou died and he lived on the streets // he had to deal with people who wished to use him & his powers for his own benefit even outside of his childhood home and that further cemented his distrust in those around him

anxiety surrounding being touched — usually manifesting as initial flinch // recoil // disgust reflex due to an expectation of pain. might have reacted violently to it as well, depending on how someone touched him ( if it was a harsh touch, he’d respond likewise ) // he’s likely to be more hesitant around men than women

flashbacks — an almost constant thing // mostly it was garou’s voice echoing in his mind but at night this turned to nightmares of him being chained again or used for his powers

insomnia — to avoid the nightmares that plagued his sleep, he’d often just stay up to try to avoid it, resulting in many sleepless nights // he’d often have trouble falling asleep and staying asleep

hallucinations — auditory, visual, & tactile // seeing ghosts // feeling the weight of chains on his wrists and ankles though they were no longer there // hearing garou’s voice echoing in his mind or the sounds of chains at night or at other unspecified times

panic // anxiety attacks — these could come out of nowhere or actually have a trigger ( usually being touched, having arrows aimed at him, threatened to be shot down ) // when confronted with dangerous situations, he’d hyperventilate, start to think he was going to die, etc.

angry and violent outbursts — could come from being touched or from feeling powerless // if he wasn’t progressing as he thought he should, it irritated him // when he couldn’t block garou’s voice from his mind, he would lash out // sometimes his anxiety & panic attacks could turn into outbursts of violence

withdrawal // isolation — avoided getting close to people // as a child, he would keep people at a distance through more aggressive mannerisms // in modern, this was a big reason why he refused to go into the adoption system — if his own blood didn’t want him, who would ? garou always told him that no one would want him.

internalization of negative assumptions — he was always told he couldn’t fit in // he was a monster // no one would accept him and this added to his tendency to withdraw from others out of the fear that he would be rejected or other expectations of pain // he also experienced immense guilt for leaving garou behind and for stealing his life away // often times he did believe that he deserved the abuse that he got

risky behaviors — included stealing // drugs // general recklessness

dysphoria — just general feeling or state of unhappiness, often pervasive

ADULTHOOD

fetis..hization of pain instead of anxiety surrounding it — so he basically reconditioned himself to think differently about being touched to lessen his discomfort surrounding it // masochism can be used as a coping mechanism, in a way it’s taking control; jae-ha had no control over the pain that he experienced as a child, but re-framing it in a consensual context helps him come to terms with abuse

memory repression — avoids thinking about anything to do with his past abuse at all but certain things can make him remember and cause him to withdraw ( usually he makes jokes about the subject, tries to brush it off, and then withdraws completely if the subject is pushed // may get angry tbh )

claustrophobia and cleithrophobia – basically caused by his fear of being tied down without escape or enclosed in small spaces, and this can trigger panic attacks // flashbacks // this can also trigger his anxiety, and if he’s trapped long enough, starts to have these fears of death or nightmares about dying // feelings of powerlessness or hopelessness can overwhelm him // he had this when he was younger too and it carried over

withdrawal // isolation — in short, he has highly developed social skills that preclude vulnerability // instead of being reserved or aggressive as he was when he was a child, he comes off as friendly and open, but he does have many mental walls up // he shies away from emotional intimacy, but is fine with physical intimacy // in a way he can… kind of sabotage his own relationships because he has these internalized negative views, which is one of the reasons he shies away from commitment and tells himself he’s fine with being alone ( but he craves acceptance and intimacy ) // he over regulates his emotions a lot of the time, not allowing himself to feel certain things because he doesn’t want to return to the anger and recklessness of his youth

internalization of negative assumptions about himself — such as being a monster, ugly, undeserving, never going to fit in, etc. — but instead of believing them outwardly, he over compensates by putting an emphasis on beauty, his appearance, independence, and freedom, convincing himself he’s better off alone instead of people don’t want me // his over confidence masks his insecurities

self-medication — not saying he’s an alcoholic, but will turn to it in order to escape the discomfort of the present // in modern verses, he uses drugs like weed and smoking cigarettes for that, along with alcohol still // he has used harder drugs before but that was in his youth

tendency towards protection — he’s very protective of others who he may or may not consider weaker and it’s because he doesn’t want people to experience what he has, basically

insomnia — not as bad as when he was younger, but he can still find it difficult to fall or stay asleep; his sleep habits really aren’t the best even as an adult // he does still have nightmares, though less frequent than in his childhood

dysphoria — certain reminders of the tragic event can trigger a general drop in his mood that may last a while

hypervigilance — manifesting more as keen perception than paranoia, since he has a better handle on it // he is very aware of people’s nonverbal cues, facial expressions, tone, etc. and he is very aware of his surroundings

chronic pain — dull aches and pains usually around his wrist and ankles // he’ll get bad migraines // can manifest in other areas of his body, but the aforementioned areas are the most common // honestly he barely notices the pain anymore

thoughts jae-ha has had regarding his trauma:

maybe my trauma wasn’t bad enough // maybe it was my fault // he was abused too, it wasn’t his fault // i shouldn’t still be angry // i let him die, i was killing him, i deserved it, i’m guilty // garou’s right, i’m a monster // if they realize i’m a monster, will they still accept me? // if i wasn’t a monster it wouldn’t have happened // it doesn’t matter if i get hurt, as long as no one else does, and i’m used to it // no one will accept me, i’m a monster // i shouldn’t bee feeling this way // i can’t let anyone know how i feel // i’m a monster, monster, monster // garou should’ve killed me

[redimagines]

Anything for Lanque (what with the new route and all)?

im gonna take this opportunity to Uhhhh get some chara study abt him out of the way before doing his other reqs (thank u for providing this chance nonnie LOL)

also some of these are probably poorly phrased since im shrinking them into bullets and not writing a fucking essay (which i might now, actually) God i love Lanque. also @ galekh Give Me Your Quirk 

Lanque

Fears emotional intimacy. Denies himself & his S/O of it, which causes friction 

Kinda related to this, he has a tendency to keep people at arms length- always ready to drop them if someone missteps, and always managing receipts on them. It’s good practice and most definitely doesn’t widen the gap between himself and the other Jades.

Speaking of, that social dynamic is definitely weird. Ofc he’s accepted, but estranged. He’s not an outright rebel like Daraya is but he’s extremely unsatisfied with his lot in life and isn’t afraid to present that way, to his sister Jades dismay 

ESPECIALLY Bronya’s, who has probably tried to help him find some sort of solace but failed (and possibly contributed adversely) They aren’t on good terms, obviously, and though she loathes him their relationship is one of those ‘you don’t pick ur family’ type affairs

I haven’t really decided if I’d like to tie in the intimacy thing to identity issues or space-nun coping prep, but lets be real its a little bit of both. 

Identity issues probably also came from his fear of the fate of being a cloistered jade? Not trying to say hes trans just to rebel, but the femininity associated w the whole virgin mother role probably manifested in gender dysphoria (at least socially given troll anatomy is most likely intersex) 

Trying not to ramble on about alien gender and psychology tonight, but its soooo interesting to me asjdasdhajl im sorry. 

He likes spending time with Wanshi but also finds it embarrassing. She pokes fun at him for this, and he isn’t mean back bc shes probably the only person who really appreciates his company even when hes prickly 

Lanque doesn’t worry about his reputation, since its pretty awful as it is, doesn’t want anyone’s pity, so he tries to keep his redeemable features private, via being standoffish

He’s a pathological liar and tbh probably buys into them. It probably started off as fibs to cover his ass and ended up morphing as he got older & ingraining themselves into his life

This is also a huge problem for potential S/Os, how could it not? Lanque’s well versed in keeping his webs tidy but there are always holes to be found in nontruths, and if you point them out he’ll go on the defensive

Denial is def really really relevant for him, seems to be a character theme (where in the SFW route he’s acceptance, being kind and able to speak openly about what’s happened to him, in NSFW he’s very petty and guards himself, gets high and is looking for escapism even if its just a lie {which, within itself, is an escapism}) 

He and Elwurd seem to be on similar pages and probably met thru Bronya. I can’t really see them ever hanging out or being friendly though since they’re both rather private and out of touch with their feelings, they are most definitely in cahoots

I’m not saying he’s an avid gardener, but he probably keeps a weird carnivorous cave plant or two. It’s strangely domestic and out of place, but he doesn’t like grubs and the need to nurture was drilled into him young

[jaxyu-a]

→ headcanon: jae-ha’s ptsd.

i remember mentioning a million years ago how i was gonna try to write out something about how jae-ha’s mind works and basically the influence that his childhood abuse ( which was physical and mental // emotional ) had on him. so here is an attempt to expand on it a little more. idk i probably will edit this more as time goes on but i wanted to post this here really for my own reference.

jae-ha has complex ptsd ( with psychosis ) given that it was chronic abuse ( happened over a period of 12 years ). he didn’t have many of the protective factors either — he was socially and physically isolated, and his abuser was really his only point of contact ( though i often mention garou as his sole abuser, the villagers were also complicit in this abuse, and really the purveyor of it ). his mental d/o is undiagnosed, even in his modern verse ( since he had no interest in going to therapy & refused to ). i’ll split this up into childhood and adulthood manifestations because while he hasn’t “gotten over it” he has shifted in the symptoms he primarily experiences. his coping mechanisms into adulthood make the existence of these issues more subtle, but sometimes he does experience the other ( childhood ) symptoms, just less frequently than when he was younger & usually brought on by a trigger. just fyi, jae-ha will probably never really speak about this in its entirety, especially the hallucinations. 

CHILDHOOD // TEENAGE YEARS

paranoia // distrust // hypervigilance — constantly on edge around others, didn’t really want to stay in one place // he was constantly on the run thinking that the villagers would be after him, even long after he left // he was often distrustful of the intentions of others after garou died and he lived on the streets // he had to deal with people who wished to use him & his powers for his own benefit even outside of his childhood home and that further cemented his distrust in those around him

anxiety surrounding being touched — usually manifesting as initial flinch // recoil // disgust reflex due to an expectation of pain. might have reacted violently to it as well, depending on how someone touched him ( if it was a harsh touch, he’d respond likewise ) // he’s likely to be more hesitant around men than women

flashbacks — an almost constant thing // mostly it was garou’s voice echoing in his mind but at night this turned to nightmares of him being chained again or used for his powers

insomnia — to avoid the nightmares that plagued his sleep, he’d often just stay up to try to avoid it, resulting in many sleepless nights // he’d often have trouble falling asleep and staying asleep

hallucinations — auditory, visual, & tactile // seeing ghosts // feeling the weight of chains on his wrists and ankles though they were no longer there // hearing garou’s voice echoing in his mind or the sounds of chains at night or at other unspecified times

panic // anxiety attacks — these could come out of nowhere or actually have a trigger ( usually being touched, having arrows aimed at him, threatened to be shot down ) // when confronted with dangerous situations, he’d hyperventilate, start to think he was going to die, etc.

angry and violent outbursts — could come from being touched or from feeling powerless // if he wasn’t progressing as he thought he should, it irritated him // when he couldn’t block garou’s voice from his mind, he would lash out // sometimes his anxiety & panic attacks could turn into outbursts of violence

withdrawal // isolation — avoided getting close to people // as a child, he would keep people at a distance through more aggressive mannerisms // in modern, this was a big reason why he refused to go into the adoption system — if his own blood didn’t want him, who would ? garou always told him that no one would want him.

internalization of negative assumptions — he was always told he couldn’t fit in // he was a monster // no one would accept him and this added to his tendency to withdraw from others out of the fear that he would be rejected or other expectations of pain // he also experienced immense guilt for leaving garou behind and for stealing his life away // often times he did believe that he deserved the abuse that he got

risky behaviors — included stealing // drugs // general recklessness 

dysphoria — just general feeling or state of unhappiness, often pervasive 

ADULTHOOD

fetis..hization of pain instead of anxiety surrounding it — so he basically reconditioned himself to think differently about being touched to lessen his discomfort surrounding it // masochism can be used as a coping mechanism, in a way it’s taking control; jae-ha had no control over the pain that he experienced as a child, but re-framing it in a consensual context helps him come to terms with abuse

memory repression — avoids thinking about anything to do with his past abuse at all but certain things can make him remember and cause him to withdraw ( usually he makes jokes about the subject, tries to brush it off, and then withdraws completely if the subject is pushed // may get angry tbh )

claustrophobia and cleithrophobia – basically caused by his fear of being tied down without escape or enclosed in small spaces, and this can trigger panic attacks // flashbacks // this can also trigger his anxiety, and if he’s trapped long enough, starts to have these fears of death or nightmares about dying // feelings of powerlessness or hopelessness can overwhelm him // he had this when he was younger too and it carried over 

withdrawal // isolation — in short, he has highly developed social skills that preclude vulnerability // instead of being reserved or aggressive as he was when he was a child, he comes off as friendly and open, but he does have many mental walls up // he shies away from emotional intimacy, but is fine with physical intimacy // in a way he can… kind of sabotage his own relationships because he has these internalized negative views, which is one of the reasons he shies away from commitment and tells himself he’s fine with being alone ( but he craves acceptance and intimacy ) // he over regulates his emotions a lot of the time, not allowing himself to feel certain things because he doesn’t want to return to the anger and recklessness of his youth 

internalization of negative assumptions about himself — such as being a monster, ugly, undeserving, never going to fit in, etc. — but instead of believing them outwardly, he over compensates by putting an emphasis on beauty, his appearance, independence, and freedom, convincing himself he’s better off alone instead of people don’t want me // his over confidence masks his insecurities 

self-medication — not saying he’s an alcoholic, but will turn to it in order to escape the discomfort of the present // in modern verses, he uses drugs like weed and smoking cigarettes for that, along with alcohol still // he has used harder drugs before but that was in his youth 

tendency towards protection — he’s very protective of others who he may or may not consider weaker and it’s because he doesn’t want people to experience what he has, basically

insomnia — not as bad as when he was younger, but he can still find it difficult to fall or stay asleep; his sleep habits really aren’t the best even as an adult // he does still have nightmares, though less frequent than in his childhood

dysphoria — certain reminders of the tragic event can trigger a general drop in his mood that may last a while

hypervigilance — manifesting more as keen perception than paranoia, since he has a better handle on it // he is very aware of people’s nonverbal cues, facial expressions, tone, etc. and he is very aware of his surroundings 

chronic pain — dull aches and pains usually around his wrist and ankles // he’ll get bad migraines // can manifest in other areas of his body, but the aforementioned areas are the most common // honestly he barely notices the pain anymore

thoughts jae-ha has had regarding his trauma: 

maybe my trauma wasn’t bad enough // maybe it was my fault // he was abused too, it wasn’t his fault // i shouldn’t still be angry // i let him die, i was killing him, i deserved it, i'm guilty // garou’s right, i’m a monster // if they realize i’m a monster, will they still accept me? // if i wasn’t a monster it wouldn’t have happened // it doesn’t matter if i get hurt, as long as no one else does, and i’m used to it // no one will accept me, i’m a monster // i shouldn’t bee feeling this way // i can’t let anyone know how i feel // i’m a monster, monster, monster // garou should’ve killed me

[transwitchsammy]

Slight Rambles #1 (11/08/22)

Thought I'd kinda ramble a bit cause I forgot just how much I love posting here and I want to make a better habit of just posting. The love of experiencing what it feels like to like to have a blog again. A little space to just like write or post or whatever. A space that I remember having within the walls of this site years and years ago.

This might come off slightly manic or weird and all over the place, I'm running on not a lot of sleep cause my sleep has been bad and I've got important shit to work on today at least. So if some of this is a little incoherent I'm fine just a tiny bit out of it. But just really wanting to write and post it cause I'm a little bit of an attention whore but honestly especially at this point in my transition I'm proud of that shit. I feel like I was afraid to take any pride in myself because of different aspects of my environment but now I just don't care and the older I get the less I'm caring and just doing my best to vibe. I'm living my life the best way I feel I can.

Obviously I wanna change things. Financially, things with myself and aspects of my body. I wanna be cuter and cooler. More of that ideal goth I'd always idealized and envied as a kid. I'm getting there more and more. Looking at old videos and photographs I don't even recognize that person. I pulled up old shitty videos from years ago, eons and lifetimes ago at this point, and that person was so sad and angry. I just didn't recognize them but I felt for them and where they were.

I feel like at some points in my life I lost myself. As a child, as a teenager, college, after I dropped out, a little bit of the past year (2021 too tbh) sort of until like this summer. Just dissociation after dissociation. Loss of the self. Constant rediscovery. Sometimes I think I'm just gonna loop that lost feeling forever cause my brain chemistry is kinda fucked no matter how I look at it. But I just remember that life ain't really cut and dry like that. We all kinda wander and stumble and fumble and wonder if life is really just constantly that and so far it has been. But the more it happens the more I've been excited to learn and grow and change from it. I feel like old me, sad me, angry me would've just stewed and not tried to push forward in some way. The internal void would've probably just eaten away again and again in a constant loop. But today, nah. I spiral a bit sure. I'm not perfect, I got shit and things I need to constantly work at. But I don't feel hopeless anymore.

Finding yourself lost again and again, finally regaining that confidence and love of the self too is vitally important. But every time it feels like it has the potential to slip from me again and something about that sometimes crushes me in ways. Like I should be able to feel stronger within myself as a person. But I feel like I just give it all away so easily sometimes. Not even in a conscious effort to undermine my core self but more-so to feel like I'm connecting with others in a way that I don't fully know if it is real.

I'd always felt this weird disconnect from others. Like part of that as a kid was the dysphoria and the constant depression and anger and shittiness that my trauma manifested within me.

Part of it too was a deep fear of people stemmed from a magnitude of shit and life experiences that I won't go into in this post. As I got better at masking, pretending and socializing, the better I got at trying to appeal to people's tastes. But part of me felt like I was just a poser. Constant imposter syndrome that ate at me internally, made me feel like a liar when I just liked the same things as well. But I constantly would second guess myself. So part of me questioned if that was even real? Or if there was just an emptiness, a boring husk where an interesting person should be. Left by the expectations of so many and none of the me I feel that I am now.

There's ideas of who I am. People tell me who I am, but sometimes it feels like an aspect of me wants to crawl out, a multiple selves sort of. I think that's the part of myself I was embarrassed of embracing for so long. This earnest self I felt I had to subdue just to survive and feel like I was surviving in the world that I didn't choose to exist in by the standards of others that I just didn't understand why I had to care about. But I didn't want to be alone. I was terrified of that.

Maybe something snapped. I still don't wanna be alone. But I feel like I've settled into accepting my introversion and tendencies I used to hate, especially as my transition has progressed and I've just gained a different understanding and context for my body and emotional health. My quietness, my hunger for the creative and the critique without trying to uphold myself to the standards of those who do nothing for me or the things I want to make. I can communicate through my art, through my writing, through my critiques. The genuine heart talks through what it creates, who and what it gravitates towards and what it fixates towards.

I didn't realize how much I missed Tumblr honestly.

Honestly, this site might be the key to regaining my love for my stream of consciousness writing. I grew to hate it over the course of the past years for a lot of personal self loathing emotional roller coaster reasons and outside of critiques I just haven't written like this at all and it's fucking invigorating. It makes me feel capable and feeling like I can just do it if I set my mind to expressing like this again. The written word means so much to me and I didn't realize how much I was suppressing that underneath the weight of tweets.

How miserable birdsite made me was unhealthy and I really should have stopped using it earlier on but I wanted to be more plugged in. I wanted to be in the social square, I still want to promote my work, in a way I can't fully disconnect.

I feel like this whole year, things that happened in the real especially, showed me how much I just needed to stop caring about a lot of dumb shit, give people who I feel like deserve my time and attention and fuckin ENERGY cause I deserve that shit. I love the people I talk to and hang with rn. If you're reading this you probably know who you are. I deserve that happiness. I deserve that respect and I wanna do my best to pay kindness like that back in spades. Communicating, shooting the shit, writing, talking art, creation, critique, art. Let's fucking go.

I'm over the stage of looking up to people who don't feed the energy back that I give them. Tired of the days of looking for role models and inspirations outside of the art and the vibes themselves. I will become better at this. I will surround myself with art, artists and lovers of art and creating and discussing. I need that for what I consider to be myself.

This is catharsis. If ya read all of this. Thank you. I'm gonna do this more every now and again. I'm gonna make every year that I can do the best I can by driving myself forward in my passions no matter what. No matter how. I'm me, I'm here, I'm real and I'm gonna fucking live.

[karak9]

Finally getting around to doing this lol. Btw voluntary/involuntary is absolutely a spectrum and this isn’t JUST for otherkin/involuntary identities!

For my dog kintype, I think it’d be like a .5 on the involuntary scale. There’s a small bit of voluntary-ness because yeah, I could just choose to not acknowledge my canine identity and be constantly in denial about it forever, but I would be extremely unhappy about it. And tbh, trauma has slightly pushed me away from some canine things I used to enjoy. I don’t think I’m less dog now because of it but it has somewhat affected my identity and is something I need to work through.

Probably G on the second scale. I just am dog lol.

Maybe 4.5 with the nonhuman scale. I do consider myself more canine than human but if I wasn’t an elf, I feel like my elvenness would be replaces with humanity (which is what I thought it was for a long time before I found out I was an elf). I’m not fully a dog but I am Pretty Dog.

Yellow for canine dysphoria. I don’t have as much species dysphoria as I did in the past, I’ve grown to really enjoy being human, but not being able to move in a canine way or communicate in body language canine-style is where my dysphoria manifests the most.

For elf, 1 or 2 on the voluntary scale. I’ve only known about this kintype for a year and am still figuring stuff out but there definitely is some “I chose to acknowledge this kintype when I could just ignore it and force myself to be human” to it. Knowing how I am, I don’t think I could ever voluntarily get rid of a legit kintype because I’m terrible at ignoring my feelings or lying to myself. And trust me, I’ve tried a lot- not just with kintypes.

Maybe an E because there is some separation where I see my past elven self as very different from my current-life self and I feel like I’m trying to live up to past-me’s standards. My elvenness does shine through a lot but elf-me was a different person in some ways, although I often wish I could be them again.

5 on the nonhuman scale. Elves are very much Not Humans and I see a lot of my human traits as elf things tbh.

Amber for dysphoria. You’d think a humanoid would have less intense dysphoria but while sometimes it’s easier to feel ok being human because I am a humanoid being, there are a lot of key differences and being strictly human and being specifically in the body that I’m in really makes me uncomfortable. I always see myself as my elven self, sometimes even without the pointy ears but the same body type and hair/eye color. Not being that person anymore feels Wrong and I hate it. Not to mention the weird unconventional dysphoria I get about things like aging and not being able to control things with my mind. I guess it’s because my elf kintype is humanoid that I feel like I’m so close to being my ideal self, yet not quite there and that’s what upsets me most. I could live with being a human-dog but I hate being a human-elf.

My linktype, on the other hand, is a 5 on the voluntary scale. I did choose to identify as Mikan but I felt a connection with her/longing to be her even before that (which is why I chose her as a linktype).

E, not entirely me but not entirely separate either. I do mostly think of myself as Mikan or like Mikan.

Mikan is a human so the nonhuman scale doesn’t really work but ironically I do see myself as nonhuman or mostly nonhuman despite having a human linktype AND fictotype. As I’ve seen someone else put it: I am a nonhuman who experiences a small bit of humanity but doesn’t identify with it.

Teal or maybe slightly green, sometimes I wish I looked like Mikan or could be her irl ? but not really any dysphoria there.

And my fictotype, Sayori from DDLC, is a 2 on the voluntary scale. I could choose to ignore her and label her a fiction flicker if I really wanted but it would definitely make me unhappy. I mean, I DID do that for a while, and it made me unhappy and I almost accidentally referred to myself as Sayori to my nonkin friends like a dumbass.

F, Sayori is very much Me. The reason she is a fictotype is because I feel like she’s literally a fictional version of me (and because my brain attached itself to her) so I pretty heavily see myself as Sayori and her as me. But she is a fictional character so there is a bit of separation.

Again, she’s a human lol

Teal. I don’t really wish I was Sayori but just feel like I’m the IRL version of her who looks a bit different and has a pretty different life. Cosplaying as her would be fun but I wouldn’t consider that dysphoria related. We actually have similar hair colors! So maybe that helps, idk.

I could go on and list out my other kintypes too (I only have 1 linktype) or talk about hearttypes or something but I’ll just leave it here lol. I hope this encourages others to try this out as well!

Felt like experimenting with the idea of a spectrum to describe the phenomena of nonhumanity or related things, as only having labels to work off of has its pitfalls when so many overlap. And so, the KINsey scale was born. Intended to be used per each identity/kintype. Feel free to reply or reblog with your own personal codes! My bonobo type is 3E-F5orange (tho that does fluctuate a bunch). Further explanation of my reasoning behind this....

I can't help but notice there are millions of new terms being coined every week, because what we already have is clearly unsatisfactory for many. And the differences between a of the popular labels are very blurred and overlap a bunch, sometimes to the point of being functionally the same! For example the element of choice for otherkin however small, especially for the psychologically inclined, means you could be fretting about whether you're kin or otherhearted or otherlink or something else entirely. When it shouldn't matter that much. And with the more popular labels comes an implied hierarchy with classic otherkin/therian being at the top, and its cousins being lower down.

Classic otherkin especially, need to adhere to a particular narrative. Or else they're "delegated" to being hearted or something. To fit in. So increasingly I and some others have been thinking of ourselves as being "animal people", just animal people (replace animal with anything else that fits, fairy etc), a species first approach if you will. There are endless backstories and reasonings for why we are the way we are, but the result is the same. It allows for greater personalisation when you're like "I'm an x-person, and this is how". If your identity straddles the line between involuntary and voluntary, or if it was a sudden thing in your 30s rather than childhood, there's no pressure to pick a term and adhere to its norms. You're an individual and no less a real x-person than someone who has been struggling with something they've had no say in since toddlerhood. I'm a bonobo person, therian is the most convenient wordage but my backstory doesn't really tell you whether I really mean it, only how I got here. I don't always conform to the expected narrative.

Of course, I understand people also enjoy having labels, so I'm not hinting at removing them altogether. But spectrums supplementing those could be a viable compromise imo. I'm kinda dubious that we really need so many microlabels and umbrellas when it's already so muddy. It means you need to study what all of these are and have the memory of a computer in order to know wtf someone is talking about. If we prune that a little bit, it may allow for more legible communication.