#tbh i would be so happy if they tried to gaslight us into believing that never happened

[asteracaea]

boy am i glad the name "joe alwyn" does not appear anywhere on my folklore or evermore albums

[mizzmellos]

Third time here hello again, miss me? (jk)

You did seem appreciative of my first batch of L/Mello headcanons so I guess I'll give you a few more because I'm such a great mutual like that (is this gaslighting)

- I firmly believe Mello is a smoker or at least a drinker. Based on this idea, I bet Mello would've tried to get L to drink/smoke at least ONE time. Long story short: L damn near dies (he is NOT suited for either of those) and Mello spends the whole night trying to compensate for nearly killing his bf

- In the car they ALWAYS argue over what radio station to pick (Mello is probably a metal or rock enjoyer. L either does not like music or he prefers classical. A part of me wants to say maybe he likes some pop songs sung by women or all girl bands. OOH WHAT ABOUT L AS A SPICE GIRLS FAN). So, they either take turns with the radio station each car ride, or they just end up not playing the radio cause they can't reach a conclusion (They're both stubborn as hell).

- Mello borrows L's clothes constantly. L will have just gotten out of..his washing machine? Or the shower.. (Mello probably found the washer thing odd and just started forcing L to suck it up and take real showers. L wasn't happy but Mello is persistent), and he sees that Mello is just shamelessly doing whatever wearing L's shirt (bonus if he just ditches the pants or..anything else underneath. I feel like it'll only be so long before I border on kinky headcanons). L is mostly tolerant of this, and depending on his mood, he'll either just skulk around nude or he'll try and coax Mello into giving his clothes back (this gave me really suggestive fic ideas).

OKAY I NEED TO END THIS HERE BEFORE THIS ASK IS TOO DAMN LONG SORRY

If you ever want more of these headcanons you know who to call (the brainrot IS REAL.)

Goodnight :).

OMFG I DID MISS YOU HOW DID YOU KNOW??? I literally mean this when I say that ANY TIME these pop into your head you know DAMN WELL whose inbox you better be in before the thought passes.

I think Mello probably smokes fancy cigars on occasion and you're definitely right in saying that L's not a smoker/drinker LOL at least not of anything more than fruity wine. <- thinking about drunk L is actually so funny. Mello's used to going shot-for-shot with Matt (who usually out-drinks him) and L's hunched over the toilet puking because he can't handle hard liquor. LOL. Mello would probably pretend to feel bad but secretly enjoy this very much.

TBH I definitely agree with you that I see L as liking classical/jazz music and I think it's DEFINITELY true that he enjoys cutie girl pop music <- he's a Misa-Misa fan, duh. But in my head this scenario is a big source of tension in their relationship even if neither of them realizes it, because Mello tends to defer to whatever L wants (in terms of stuff like music, food, etc., not everything but the more 'unimportant' things) and this isn't something that's super-suitable to Mello's headstrong/opinionated personality LOL. So he bites his tongue a lot/will just listen to whatever shit L wants to put on even if it's not what he wants to listen to -> L does not know of and/or appreciate his sacrifices (they are not sacrifices but Mello sees them that way) -> Mello harbors resentment. Etc. This can and must be rectified through nasty sex.

STOPPPP NOT THE WASHING MACHINE. L GOT BACK TO TASKFORCE ONE DAY AND THERE'S SMOKE BILLOWING FROM THE WINDOWS BECAUSE MELLO BLOWED THAT THING UPPPPP. I'm dead serious when I say that Obata was genuinely sick of us at that point and just like fuckkkk ittttttt let's see if they still want to fuck him after this (we did). BUT THAT THING DOES NOT EXIST. TO ME. Other than that this is so so so correct <- Mello is a serial clothes-stealer no matter what because none of his are comfortable, and he never wears pants at home bc otherwise he'd have permanent seam-indents down his legs. He definitelyyyyy steals L's (dirty) shirts because they smell like him also.

Hey btw ummm. Write that fic after you send me more of these. <3 I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUU.

[pastelbatfandoms]

System Ask Game!

For traumagenic systems only, I’d better not see any other origin systems reblogging this

Tried to include a good mix of surface-level and deeper questions, hope you all enjoy! :)

🍄 Who’s the oldest? Liriya technically because she is a past life alter as is Levathia but Liriya came first. Alistair and Elizabeth are a Demon and Angel respectably so they are ageless as well.

🌺 Do you know which type of system you are? (DID, OSDD-1a, OSDD-1b, etc) No, we think OSDD 1b but we're just saying UDD for now.

🌸 Any non-humans or hybrid alters? Yes as I said before Al and Lizbeth are a demon and angel, Liriya is Pleiadean, Levathia is a vampire and Mitchell is a Cat person.

🌼 Any animal alters? Mitch like I said.

🌻 Are you diagnosed? If yes, was getting one difficult? If no, do you want a diagnosis? No and yes if only for people to believe us and then we wouldn't feel like we're making it up.

🌷 Who has the best sense of fashion? Minara would say her but I (Michelle) think that we all have good style!

🌹 What’s your system dynamic like? Are you like one big family, a group of friends, strangers, siblings, enemies? I'd say a family but we don't all get along. Alistair and Elizabeth for instance (but they don't hate each other either it's just the heaven and hell dynamic) Levathia only really hangs out with Alistair, and sometimes Mina. Newt is only around Alistair and Elizabeth is only really comfortable around Mitch and Rini who have a sibling dynamic. Mitch and Mina hang out alot too.

🥀 Do you have an inner world? If yes, has it always been there, or did you have to make it (and how did you make it)? If no, do you want one? What’s it like not having one? Kind of. I've had dreams about places that I think are in the inner world and what I can gather 5 yr old me came up with (aka Rini) but it's very much a mash up and not cohesive. The front is very dark,with shallow water and bedroom doors around it with each alters name on them, there's also Pyramids somewhere, a grocery store with a very dark room with neon lights in the middle of the store. And I'm pretty sure knowing my younger self there's unicorns, Pegasus and a Carousel around. As well as a house that looks like the one in Full House.

🌾 Do you have any hobbies or talents specific to one or a few alters? Liriya is very good at drawing and tarot reading (as am I since I'm a witch but I'm better at drawing anime characters and she's better at places and symbols) I'm better at writing and making Youtube videos & Gifs lol Mitch is good at video games, soccer, running and is ambidextrous. Levathia is good at writing as well and the keyboard. Elizabeth is excellent at cleaning and Rini is good at painting, reading and making collages. Mina is good at singing, acting, fashion and makeup. We're all good at Dancing.

🎋 What’s a normal day like, being a system? Hectic, blurry, chaotic, happy, all of the above, none? All of the above.

🌱 How often do you do headcounts, if at all? If I've felt like I made or met a new alter (like in my dream a few nights ago) but we currently only have 7 so it's easy to keep track of.

🌿 How do you keep track of alters? Simplyplural, pluralkit, tupperbox, google docs, etc? Journals, Pinterest and Tumblr.

☘️ Any “unusual” symptoms in childhood that should have tipped you off to you being a system earlier? Making an inner world (but not remembering later on) Disissociating alot, my different moods, styles, interests and career changes.

🍀 What’s your amnesia like? Do you experience full blackouts, grayouts, just emotional amnesia, dissociative amnesia, all of the above? Emotional and dissociative. I don't remember alot of when I was 5-13 though.

🍃 Do you want functional multiplicity, final fusion, or do you not know yet? Functional multiplicity.

🍂 Do you like being a system, or do you find yourself wishing you were a singlet? I like it tbh. Makes me feel less alone and now realizing maybe not everyone was gaslighting me? lol though there ware those who were.

🍁 Do you know any other systems IRL? If not, do you have any close system friends on the Internet? No and No. I only realized this a few weeks ago.

🍇 Would you trust singlets to write or depict an accurate portrayal of DID or OSDD? Why or why not? Mmmm maybe if they'd done accurate research.

🍓 Do you have any system-wide interests, special interests, or hyperfixations? I hyperfixate alot. We're interested in the same people lol for the most part. We also all like dancing and watching wrestling.

🍎 Do you have a collective name? If yes, how did you come up with it? Michie which is a nickname that My niece gave me and felt it fit. Also our system name we came up with is The Invisible Collective.

🍏 Do you have any other accounts, system-related or not? Yes lots of Tumblrs and Pinterest.

🍐 What was your first introduction to the OSDDID community that you can remember? My first intro to DID (even though I was still calling it MPD) was watching The United States of Tara....I did really like it but this was before I knew too much about the disorder.

The community itself was through YouTube.

🍊 If your system is open to relationships, do you prefer in-system or out-of-system dating? Do you have a reason why? Either works for me. But I'd say it's easier to be with someone that is not in the inner world lol and I am married in the outer world. I suppose it would also be easier to be with another system though.

🍋 Does anyone have any innerworld disorders that don’t translate to the outer world? Levathia's bloodlust. I mean she can't go around biting people (unless they like it ;) ) and Mitch doesn't physically have cat ears and a tail or can leap super high on the outside. But idk if I'd call that a disorder. Also Alistair and Elizabeth have wings in the inner world and Al has a light grey skin.

🌽 Do you have any fun facts you want to share, either about yourself, the system, or other alters? Not currently no.

🥝 Does anyone have any pets in-system? I wouldn't call them pets but their are Unicorns and Pegasi around like I said. Also possibly a Raven or Crows...

🍒 What’s your favorite and least favorite part about being an alter/being a part of a system? Learning to love myself by loving my alters. Worst part is probably not remembering my childhood or when I split exactly (but maybe that's a good thing) also acting different around people and not being able to explain why.

[hybbat]

Still not over episode 42 and how good and also kinda refreshing it was.

Like Daruizen very clearly has one of those designs and prominence among his fellow generals that instantly from the first opening seems to indicate he’ll be That villain that gets redeemed and switches sides and soft-shipped with the main cure or at the very least is revealed to be tragic and redeemed in death as another victim of the villain, but nah.

He doesn’t, and was never going to. If he ever was in some draft of the show they scrapped due to COVID like some folks seem adamant on believing it’s only the result imo of the writers getting a chance to sit down and think “but could he realistically be redeemed without it being just an expected story beat?” and the answer being no.

In fact in hindsight he’s the worst of the generals. Guaiwaru had ambitions to become the new king of the byo-gens and run things his way so it makes sense what he’s doing. Shindoine is genuinely in love with king byo-gen and his biggest enabler so it makes sense what she’s doing. Daruizen? He’s there because why not. He has the least motivation of all the villains, in a way is the most shallow because despite his desire to remain sapient he only uses it to do exactly what he would do otherwise, just with the knowledge that it’s his choice to do so. Daruizen’s motivation is essentially he wants to make sure his evil acts are completely willing on his part.

All three generals this seasons ended up actually getting evenly fleshed out despite people’s focus on Daruizen simply because his story was more directly tied to Cure Grace, actually, and all three represent very toxic people. Guaiwaru is your classic ambition villain who wants to be the leader but is just not cut out for it and ends up being a bad boss, even int he eyes of the villains, and no idea on how to actually lead as he basically just keeps doing what he did before but more because he’s more powerful. He isn’t even that effective as the girls have no trouble once they actually can confront him. Shindoine is obviously a toxic enabler who supports an evil person’s actions and is ok with being used, and clearly expects others to be okay with doing the same.

Daruizen is literally just a leech. He barely does anything, he only does his work when he feels like it, and is generally just a horrible person. Daruizen, if he were a real person, would be the kind of person who introduces himself with his IQ score and talk about how he’s a “realist” and misanthropist, especially with the way he talks to Grace. The only thing that excites him is in fact being a dick and he liked the cures and Cure Grace in particular specifically because he could get under their skin and demean them. He’s someone who only ever contributes negatively and tries to beat other people down because he’s miserable and the only thing that makes him happy is making other people feel as miserable as him.

And he never once shows remorse or willingness to change, right up to the end where he gaslights Grace to make her think she’s selfish for being scared of him and not wanting to help him after everything he’s done. Throughout the whole show she constantly asks him “why are you doing this?” and his answer NEVER changes, and he even starts to get angry that she doesn’t see why but he can’t really give a real answer other than “it’s what I do/why not?” Finding out he was born from Grace’s illness and the pain he caused her never once makes him paused, the only emotion he seems to show is happiness that he caused her so much trauma.

The ONLY regret he ever expresses is when he realizes his behaviour and decisions have screwed him over. He finally gets a taste of his own pessimism and hatred in the people he deemed worthy of his company due to sharing those traits- whom he also frequently treated as lesser for not being as smart as him and having their own personal ambitions they put effort into- when they showed their willingness to treat him exactly the same way they’ve treated everyone else. Basically, he realized he isn’t an exception or special in any way, he’s just another general.

He never expresses regret for his actions or his thinking in any other way other than it bit him in the butt, and even then he doesn’t let go of them. He just wants to hide away at the expense of someone else without any sacrifice on his own part, until his problem goes away. When he doesn’t get his way he literally throws a temper tantrum and tries to beat up Grace while telling her its her fault for denying him. and he STILL doesn’t have any real answers for her, when she gives him a chance to convince her and lays out the issues she has. He never had an answer, he only thought of himself and he thought himself superior for doing so and thus his right to take advantage of the inferior folks who are obviously too stupid to realize helping people is pointless, even while trying to rely on it.

We’ve all met that exact type of person, especially on the internet or perhaps a teenager going through that sort of phase where they think they’re so much smarter than their peers so they don’t have to do anything but everyone should do everything for them.

And like literally every other villain in precure he’s given a chance to redeem himself, they give him several in fact. Daruizen is straight up just a villain who winds up deciding not to take it. He acts like he wants to to save his own skin but he never has any real intent of being redeemed. Despite physically evolving Daruizen is someone who is wilfully static and nothing anyone does reaches him.

Honestly all the generals are like that, none of them can find it in themselves to let go of their flaws and grow as people rather than as byo-gen. Despite their sapience none of them ever actually grow into fully fleshed out people, they all cling to their flaws as their core identities.

It’s not surprising that unlike other seasons’ generals who wind up figuring out their own villainous way to work together by watching the cures, this season’s generals rarely worked together and the few times they did being used to cement their opinion that they can’t, and in the end stabbed each other in the back one after the other. Their combined power only comes together when King Byo-gen absorbs them.

In the end the message send by ALL of the byo-gen generals was “sometimes no matter what you do, some people are just toxic and are not asking for your help.” And in Daruizen’s case, it is also “You don’t have to sacrifice yourself for their sake when you know it won’t do anything but hurt you and enable them.” Daruizen never met anyone half way, and he never asked for help to be a better person, only to dodge the consequences of his actions. When asked if he would still be the way he was after the help he didn’t reply, because the answer would be yes and they both knew it.

All the generals somewhat subverted the expectations of the stock character they were built from tbh; the ambitious but stupid Guaiwaru actually went through with and briefly succeeded in becoming the big bad, Shindoine’s value as a loyal minion was seen by the villain despite her also suggesting the act that in any other similar character would be the thing that made them realize they were being used, and Daruizen never let himself be redeemed, all of which cement each of them as legitimate complete villains that weren’t changing. None of the generals were willing to change because none of them saw what they did as a problem, they just saw themselves as superior and it to be their right to treat other people poorly. Daruizen was no different from the other two, and unlike them he didn’t even have a reason, he simply decided he was too smart to be good.

[one-abuse-survivor]

reporting from the milky way again :)

yes, i did get the exams and project out of the way (the main reason i worked on the project so much last weekend was because i had to turn it in until sunday night) but right now were in the process of getting all the grades back and tbh i'm less than happy about it. So far i'm not happy about math, physics and chemistry and there'll be even worse grades in geography, german and music.

and my dad did not realize the extent of my struggles and seems to think that i'm just a rebellious teenager or something

i know that my mom will be around tomorrow afternoon and i am planning to talk with her then but that'd be a one-on-one conversation and i'm not sure if i can handle that at the moment but we'll see. i can tell you how it went afterwards.

and i'm really excited for friday bc it's the last day of school this year and afterwards we have a 7 week break and i'll be able to go out for lunch with a friend whom I haven't seen in two years because they moved to the US.

okay so this is milky way again and i wanted to let you know how trying to talk to my mom went

spoiler alert: it was worse than disappointing

i didn't start talking about my suspicions of being neurodivergent because i wanted to see how helpful she'd be first so i just kinda started with how i struggle with concentrating and not getting distracted at school and my sleep issues and that's about as far as i got before i got a feeling of how pointless this was.

the only thing she did was telling me that others have it worse (since i still have above-average grades), that everyone has this kind of existential crisis at some point during their teenager years, that the sleeping and concentration issues are just teenager issues that everyone has and that everyone feels like their struggles are worse than everyone else's even tho most of the time they actually aren't and finally that she can't help me

i of course quickly got the hell out of the room and went to bed (so i can be by myself in my room in the dark with my door closed). on one hand i'm absolutely furious and on the other hand i am disappointed, sad and dejected and i don't really believe myself anymore. seriously, what if she's right? she's had about 40 years more life experience and she was a teenager too at some point so she'd know this kinda thing, wouldn't she? what if i'm just complaining too much and talking over the ones that are actually struggling and can actually prove it with grades and stuff?

i feel a lot worse than i did one hour ago and i should've just not started talking in the first place and i regret it so much because i know this conversation will haunt me for the next week if not more.

i'm just angry angry angry

at myself, at her, at the way she compared me with literally everyone else at my age, at how i'm not sure of myself and at everything

i haven't felt this bad since last november and that was when things got really really bad (suicidal thoughts and self-harm included) and i'm so so scared of being there again because i'm on a 7 month 2 week streak with self-harm and i don't want to have to break it

sorry that this is just me venting and that this is so long

tl;dr i tried talking to my mom, now i'm angry at myself and her and i'm terrified of myself

Hi again ❤ I'm really sorry your grades aren't as good as you wanted them to be and that your dad keeps acting like your struggles are just a teenage rebellious phase and not taking you seriously :( I hope you have a good time with your friend, at least!

I'm so so sorry talking to your mom went so badly. I hope you're feeling slightly better now, but if not, I'm sending you the biggest virtual hug. I know how hard it can be to believe you're actually struggling at first, especially mentally, and I can't even imagine how horrible it must feel to have those fears "proven" by the very people meant to help you and support you when you reach out for help.

She is not right, nonnie, no matter how much she insists she is. First of all, I think there's at least some truth to the idea that teenagers tend to think the world revolves around themselves, and to feel uncomprehended at times. But I also think that's completely understandable. I mean, you're experiencing what it's like not to be a kid anymore for the very first time; you're facing many grown-up problems and feelings for the first time. And all of that while hormones wreak havoc in your system. How are you not meant to be at least a little bit angsty at times? But you know what? That doesn't mean you don't deserve help and guidance from your parents! It is a part of parenting to guide your kids through their teenage problems and to help them deal with emotions and issues they'd never had to face before. So even if she was right, and all you were going through right now was a typical teen existential crisis, you would still need and deserve her guidance and support. And you would still deserve to see a doctor about your struggles with sleep and concentration even if it turned out it was a teenage thing. There is no scenario where you deserve to suffer and push through your struggles alone just because your problems don't come from a serious enough source.

Second of all, grades are not indicative of how much you're struggling. I got some of the best grades in my school during years where I was going through abuse. I know a person who managed to get into a medicine degree with undiagnosed ADHD (and you have to get some really high grades to study medicine here). I also know a person who passed 3/4ths of her uni subjects and graduated university while in a depression so severe she could barely walk. Your grades do not dictate whether you need help.

And third of all, she might be older than you, and I'm sure she had a lot of learning experiences as a teenager herself, but that doesn't mean she knows you better than you know yourself. No one knows you better than you know yourself. No one has experienced all life experiences and gets to decide what other people are or aren't going through. And most importantly, there's always going to be someone who has it "worse" than everyone in this world, but that doesn't mean everyone else doesn't deserve help to manage their struggles. There's no such thing as not struggling enough to deserve help. Either you're not struggling at all, whatsoever, or you are to some extent—and no matter what that extent is, if you feel like you need help with it, then you need help with it. No one gets to tell you you don't.

From what I know, it's not unheard of for neurodivergent people to get told by their parents that their experiences are universal and therfore "not a big deal", and for it to turn out that their parents have some signs of neurodivergence themselves and just never got diagnosed. I of course don't know if that's the case here, but I want you to know that regardless of her reasons to tell you your experiences are universal—whether she also went through that and never had it acknowledged or she's saying it to gaslight you and make you question yourself—her behaviour is still neglectful. And you deserved so much better than to be made to feel like you're making things up, exaggerating and talking over others when all you did was ask for help with your personal struggles.

Sending a giant hug your way ❤️

[eyeslikefoxglove]

Episode 14 - WangXian are a (v soft) Battle Couple & Foxglove is hella mad

Hi! Welcome to episode 14. I should be studying. It’s day two of morning runs, so my soul has left my body already, send help. Yesterday I went to buy plants with my mum and got so excited I just whacked on a bunch of eyeshadow because I haven’t seen the outside in weeks, I’m also wearing makeup today, because I have nowhere to go, but I really need to finish this bb cream before it goes bad, so my parents are getting my full fresh faced “woke up like this and put on mascara” routine (which is a fucking lie because I’m wearing at least three blushes and two highlighters). I’m determined to get this bitch down in under five minutes so I can have another five to do eyeshadow, I have way too much eyeshadow to not wear it (I have way too much everything except maybe mascara and eyebrow stuff).

Yes, if y’all were wondering I am in fact a makeup magpie. ANYWAY BACK TO THE ACTUAL THING WE ALL CAME HERE FOR.

(Btw further down I discuss once again how shitty I think the Yunmeng sibs’ parents are if that causes an issue for you)

Ok ok ok, so I was talking with damnpoe-2187 here about how we found that sometimes WWX crossed from gremlin into asshole when he tried to get LWJ riled up. Like in the Cold Springs, putting our shippers hearts aside, that was a dick move and he should have stopped undressing the second LWJ went from annoyed to incredibly uncomfortable. I find this scene the complete opposite, a show of character development if you will. It is kind of similar in that they’re both hurt, and alone (although this time is much more serious) and there was some undressing going on; however WWX here behaves like a fool in love considerate person and knowing how uncomfortable LWJ already is tries to make it easier for him. They’re also super soft and I’m weak.

A brief interlude from my one track mind: That pond is full of corpses isn’t it? Or at least the remnants of the Murder Turtle’s meals I suppose. Damn right WWX should not have gone into the water with an open wound, but think no one should go swimming in there without a full hazmat suit tbh (I want to pump them full of antibiotics at this point ngl)

So I love this tiny montage (is it even a montage) of the, getting themselves ready to kill the Murder Turtle.

Teamwooooooork.

Listen, I have read a few fics in which their mind-meld stays in place due to reasons and I need me more of those.

Ok, turtles don’t work that way, but then again, giant murder snake-Trex-turtle so that’s low on my list of priorities. What’s not low is the fact that this guy is knee deep into pretty much a mass grave and I want to take a few showers just watching him.

Yeah, I know exactly what he’s smelling and suddenly I hope I don’t have meat for lunch today tbh.

The screaming sword has always been fucking creepy and does LWJ’s fist clench mean that he’s also hearing them?

BATTLE COUPLE! BATTLE COUPLE! BATTLE COUPLE!

So I know killing the thing took them something like six hours. And while it feels quite a long time in the show, I think that, if they cut the scene with idk, JC running towards Lotus Pier, then back to them, then back to JC, but now the sun is in a different position, back to them, but now the blood from LWJ’s hand has dripped down his arm; and so on a so forth it’d convey more clearly how long it took for the Murder Turtle to die. I know fuck all about cinematography tho so feel free to ignore all this if it is in fact an abomination.

Tiiiiiiny interlude here to say that Yiling Patriarch!WWX is probably one of my favourite character archetypes. He’s slightly creepy, slightly amoral (smiling while torturing and murdering bad guys is still amoral ok), more than a bit on the Dark Side, cocky, smirky, a bit of an asshole a BAMF, a rebel with cause and yet he will still do the right thing, not despite his nature, but because of it. He’s kind of like a Chipped Spike? But you know, he doesn’t need electroshock to behave.

I just want a fic where he’s this Dark Lord of Evil in everyone’s eyes however the ‘good guys’ take a break from trying to off him because a bigger threat just popped up and they have no choice but to ask for his help. He agrees, keeps being his charming self while also saving everyone’s asses, LWJ is smitten.

TL;DR: The Necromancer is hot. Oh and nobody dare deny LWJ has a Yiling Patriarch kink.

Oh my, this is the part when I always get teary eyed.

WUJI ON A CELLO? DO YOU WANT TO KILL ME?

“Why hasn’t Jiang Cheng shown up and rescued me yet?” THIS IS ALL THE PROOF I NEED THAT WWX IS THE BABY SIBLING.

“Lan Zhan sing me a song”

IT IS HAPPENING, STAY FUCKING CALM EVERYBODY (I’m crying)

That slideshow of their best moments set to WuJi is a masterpiece, and also, it kind of drives home the point of “how tf did we go from flirting during summer camp to this mess”?

(Btw if that’s YiBo humming he’s got one hell of a deep voice)

Ok ok ok, so this moment had me spitting up my tea the first time I watched it. Believe it or not my dumbass thought these people were actually serious with the censorship and we’d get scraps of their actual relationship. Lots of charged moments like in some other western tv shows I’ve seen when two dudes have chemistry but “they’re not gay”, no longing glances, no tender touches, no being unbelievably soft with each other; just you know, amped up, because if I’m not mistaken you can be arrested in China for “promoting the gay”. I mean, they changed the beginning when people insult MXY’s sexuality to insulting his mental health; no one would think “ah yes, the gays are good” when they hear it used as a slur, but they still erased it completely. One of the things I thought they’d fully take away was WangXian, I mean, the into/outro is named Wuji, which, you know, still a mishmash of their names, but not their ship name. It is such a significant part of the story with all the “what’s the song name? Figure it out yourself” that if something were going to give away that they’re married with a kid it would be that. I thought we’d get an artful fade to black BEFORE LWJ would say the name not after. And also, YiBo is enunciating it so clearly that, even with the sound muffled and the blurriness I, who don’t speak Chinese, can make out the two syllables. That’s deliberate, I can say “WangXian” loud and clear without moving my lips too much. At this point in time I must assume someone in charge of looking for censorship violations in the show is a fan and just ignored it.

Censorship person 1: dude, isn’t that a bit too gay, maybe you shouldn’t greenlight it.

Censorship person 2: shut the fuck up, sit here and watch.

*a full rundown of the whole of CQL later*

Censorship person 1: oh my god they’re so in love and they deserve to be happy.

Back to the commentary: I’m sorry but I have a mighty need of a WWX & Peacock friendship ok? This might be me just wanting WWX and LWJ to make other friends besides each other but I think that the Peacock is just bitchy enough to not take any of WWX’s bullshit.

And the Yunmeng bros timing for banter strikes yet again.

That’s terrible quality fake blood btw.

@ Yunmeng disciples: STOP SHOOTING FUCKING KITES PLEASE AND THANK YOU

Oooof even with a change of clothes our boy is still looking rough as hell.

MY LOVELY YUNMENG SIBS BEING SOFT AND HAPPY WITH EACH OTHER.

It hurts my soul that the second JFM starts praising WWX for surviving the Murder Turtle our boy’s knee-jerk reaction is to start praising JC in return. It is instinctive, how many times must this have happened for him to know his brother won’t even get scraps of praise? (Seriously fuck their parents)

It was going so well, I mean, JFM had a point warning him to not say things in anger. But I thought he was going to tell him that it is because sometimes he’ll hurt someone without wanting to, yet, this asshole decided to, once again, remind his kid he thinks he’s a failure.

And here comes Mme Yu who I can only assume had a servant posted at the door to warn her when WWX woke so she could throw some verbal abuse at him. I mean, she must have been missing it.

And JFM’s misogynistic bullshit strikes once again, because why defend ALL your kids when you can insult your wife.

(Every time someone berates WWX for “intervening” I want to scream. I mean, seeing this I can believe why the society as a whole thought genocide was a good idea.)

I love how they use their kids as props in their fight, I mean it’s not like they have feelings or anything. This woman is gaslight-y as hell too “you don’t love your kid because I gave birth to him”, you can’t tell me saying that in front of the son she’s supposed to love isn’t going to hurt him. And she knows it, I mean, besides the Wen attack I’ve never seen her hit the kids (although I very much doubt she hasn’t), so a good part of the abuse must be verbal. There’s no fucking way a person who regularly uses words that way won’t realise where she’s aiming those arrows. Which means to her (to both) the kids are collateral.

But FR, the barely-out-of-adolescence disaster bi necromancer PTSDing all over the place and living in a mass grave was a better parent than any of the current adults in this thing.

Which brings me to another point, Shijie is textbook “the oldest sibling is just another parent” and I’m making myself very angry.

[this is when I start frothing at the mouth and itching to write a modern-girl(and friends)-dropped-in-CQL because someone has to be a positive adult influence in these kids’ lives and it sure as shit ain’t the ones in the actual show.]

CAN WE STOP BRINGING PEOPLE’S DEAD PARENTS INTO THE FIGHT?

*deep breath*

I am going to feed JFM & Mme Yu each other’s spleens. Look, listen, look and listen, let’s first talk about how calmly they lay out the facts of their lives, one is only loved because he’s been brought up in the shadow of his dead parents, the other knows with certainty his father dislikes him and his mother uses him as leverage in marital disputes. When have these two not exploded their emotions all over the place? Fucking never. Yet here they are, talking about this bullshit like some bout of inconvenient weather. They’re used to it!

And now let’s talk about yet again siblings-are-just-extra-parents, with an added pile of WWX’s terrible self awareness that, to the man who brought him up, his worth is due to his dead parents. Again I’m extrapolating, but with the amount of times Mme Yu brings up his parents in such a negative light I refuse to believe JFM hasn’t made all the “you’re so much like your parents” comments to him every time WWX does something right. I mean, telling an orphan about their parents if they ask is a good thing, but WWX seems starved for stories about his them, which leads me to believe JFM refuses to talk about the topic except to make those little comments. What a fucking stellar way to give someone all the trauma if you ask me. May also explain a lot of WWX’s self worth issues if the biggest praise he’s ever heard is that he resembles dead people, yes, people who were loved, but they’re dead, and it doesn’t look like any adult has bothered to go and differentiate WWX from ZSSR&WCZ.

I’m just really mad, despite all the silly anecdotes I put in here my parents are fucking great at parenting, so I know what good parents should look like, and this ain’t it.

Ok, so I made myself angry and I don’t know if I should move onto the next episode now or wait till tomorrow but thanks for reading!

[outofcontextsimsmachinima]

I truly think you should reconsider featuring Youth so much on this blog. The series has featured blackface and other racist imagery before, it's really not a good look for the Sims fandom to promote this stuff, especially seeing how racist EA themselves have been in the past.

Hello, thank you for approaching me with your concerns. I in no way want to promote racism. You have every right to feel how you do and leave my blog to not see her posts (all tagged under #1998sims and #youth, which you can blacklist) and not watch her content. Its not my place to apologise on anyones behalf. However, although this may be an out of context blog, I think its unfair to make a statement as such without the context of the episode. This opinion may come from this post I uploaded a while back, or from breifly seeing her episode. Or even watching it all the way and either not understanding the message OR simply put, being offended by the imagery (which you have every right to feel offended by) 1998sims is a very close friend of mine. However, what I say is not as a friend as I will, and have, quite easily dropped anyone who is racist, homophobic, a pedophile, etc. I’m not afraid to lose friends or family over morals. That being said, I also want to mention that if you’ve met 1998sims and properly got to know her, you’d also know she has a no bullshit attitude and she herself cannot stand those actions. Shes always trying to keep up to date on human rights movements, sending me updates on the currently BLM protests, complaining about racists and homophobes and wishing people wouldnt support the racist billionares and companies (EA included) of the world. I also want to mention before i start jumping into this unbiased, that as 1998sims’ friend, I see a lot of a specific group of people trying to attack her every month or so. She’s used to it and doesn’t let it bother her, often tells us not to say anything on her behalf (which is interesting considering how many times people say she’s going to get her “groupies” to defend her. Not once have we defended her because we respect her wishes for us to not get involved.) and that she can fight her own fights. Its upsetting watching her put up with people nitpicking her in the most toxic community out tbh, the shit that could be said about the people who ?? I actually dont know what their goal is tbh, take her down?? idk its really weird. Like, I think people who try to come at her do a lot worse than her and often times are trying to come back at her after she openly stated her opinions about the community (usually its her asking that creators had more representation in their series. Which I can agree with, the sims community is flooded with stories of straight white couples). The sims community is shit, I wont deny. So, with this context in mind, I do struggle to take the rare posts I see about her as seriously as I would if they were about anyone else. I talk to her on a daily, I know the thoughts she puts into her work, into her daily life, into her friendships, past and present. Her opinions and goals and the things she puts up with. I know that the specific group of people against her would try to warp my words around and say she controlling or manipulating me but honestly, one, those people claiming something like that in itself is a manipulation tactic and two, you dont know fuck about me and my past and what I’ve experienced to understand who to trust and who to drop. I don’t put up with that sort of shit. Over her time on youtube she has very openly showed her support to the black lives movement and tried to bring light to it in her works. She has always been very aware of making sure her cast represents real people, that includes the struggles they face. Its rare to find poc and lgbtq media, especially in the sims community and especially without characters following harmful stereotypes or being the token black or gay character. 1998sims has always shown care for these communities in multiple series for multiple years, taking every opportunity she can to make a PSA. The blackface episode was no exception. I dont want to speak on her behalf and have stayed quiet about what people have said about her because of her wishes, and I will message her about this issue. But in the end, its my blog that has recieved the asks and thus, my response is what will be made. This will be long (if its not already) and its up to you to skip or read this, your mental health is what should come first. Nothing can excuse racist imagery or jokes about race. I never want to tell someone they’re in the wrong or that their feelings do not matter, your feelings and opinions matter. What 1998sims choses to do from here onward is up to her. But as I said, you approached me and I will take that as invitation to share my opinion. In the episode ‘Blakkkface’ of YOUTH, the title alone already explaining the episodes intention to be around the black lives matter movement, racism and mention of blackface and the KKK. Its halloween, 2 racist background characters walk in dressed in blackface and as a member of the KKK. Instantly the main cast is disgusted. This scene is not intended as humour or a joke, rather the main cast showing disgust in a background character’s actions. Lucas responding with a “what the fuck?” and Jo, a black character, also the only one not dressed up, stating that costumes like that are why she hates halloween. I believe here its intended to mention how during holidays, people think its okay to wear costumes like that. be it blackface, KKK members, indiginous costumes, chinese etc. Peoples race and culture arent a costume and 1998sims attempted to show how costumes like that happen often irl and how hurtful and racist they are. Next scene. I’m Not Racist by Joyner Lucas plays in the background. Teacher rants about inappropriate costumes. Cut to a close up of Jo’s face obvious waiting for the issue to be addressed. Teacher mentions girls wearing costumes that are inappropriate, too tight or short, makes no mention of racist costumes or issues with it. Clearly Jo and her classmate, Trey (also a black cast member, wearing a shirt that states “not your costume” as a protest to the racist costumes during halloween), aren’t happy and chose to silently protest by sitting while the class pledges alleigence to the flag. The teacher gets mad at the two who are quite calmly explaining their rights, which starts a debate. The blackface and KKK costumes are brought up, Jo calls out racism and the two take advantage of their priveledge, claiming its just paint telling Jo not to be offended and that shes being sensitive. This is a clear case of racists making excuses, trying to victimize themselves and using their privelege against Jo. Teacher, unable to respond to Jo’s retort then takes it out on Trey, Saying his shirt is inappropriate and promotes violence (does that sound familiar to the black likes matter movement at the moment?), that he needs to go to the office. Trey questions if the teacher himself is racist, calls everyone disgusting for their actions. Teacher sends both students to go to the office and as Jo walks past, the racist students call her a monkey which is the final straw and she punches them. She regrets it later knowing the outcome will be terrible on her behalf as a black girl. Trey beside her, tries to validate her and she mentions how shes the one whos going to be suspended but the person whos actually in the wrong will play victim as their actions will be forgotten about. she says “I played into the narrative he wanted me to play into.” saying she doesnt want to be the stereotypical black person that solves issues through violence. Trey once again tries to validate her actions, telling her that she had the right to defend herself. “dont let them make you feel bad for their crappy actions.” What 1998sims shows here is the real life struggle that black people face. Them being seen as a costume, their history being a joke to racists. That people of privelege and power can manipulate situations and try to paint themsleves as victims and black people as violent, often gaslighting until, in some cases (like Jo’s) the real victim takes actions in their own hands since the system cant protect them and they need to protect themself. This is a serious and real topic and yes, understandably it can be triggering to some people who have experienced these things themselves. I dont think 1998sims’ goal is to hurt people though. Rather show a character you care about or relate to going through something thats very real and make her viewers aware of said issues, use empathy to make people mad or upset and maybe stand up to make a change to stop these things from continuing to happen in the real world. Once again, I apologise for posting any content that has been hurtful to you. But morally I felt the need to at least add some context on why this episode and scenes were intended to, from the perspective of someone whos against racism, someone who wants equality, someone who wants to share a message. 1998sims’ series is raw in the sense its real and inspired by reality. Some people like that sort of representation in the media they consume, some dont. And if you dont, thats up to you to not watch her content. If you prefer media that escapes reality, her series isnt for you and thats okay. And I just need to say this once again. I’m not defending her or the episopde because shes my friend. If I find out her or anyone I know has made content thats intended to be hurtful to anyone, I will drop them. I have no intention ever in my life to be associated with people like that. I’m sorry that you can no longer feel safe on my blog though, its sad that has to be the case but I hope at least with the context of the episode brought up, maybe you can see things in a different way. If not, I hope you find safety somewhere else. Its what you deserve after all, don’t put yourself through any more harm, you should always come first.

[silenthillmutual]

I don't know if you're the right person to tell this to but I think my mom's emotionally abusive. She gets mad whenever I get upset at her and gaslights me(probably??) whenever I call her out. I tried to tell her that she never apologized for hurting my feelings and she responded with, "I don't have to apologize to you" and it just made me feel worse. My family's Christian and all but I'm scared to tell the pastor(or anyone) because I don't want her to get mad at me. Do you have any advice?

I guess I’m a decent source for that, and I’ve got enough spoons today to answer this! 

I’ll be honest with you, a parent reacting with anger whenever you get upset with them is never a good sign. The “I don’t have to apologize to you” response is definitely emotionally abusive, especially if it’s not a reaction in a vacuum; anything as an isolated incident is understandable since we all make mistakes, but this doesn’t sound like a one-off thing. 

I had a couple of friends help me through being gaslit myself; here are a few articles on the topic, all of which are pretty brief:

Were You Born Under the Gaslight?

11 Warning Signs of Gaslighting

a resource post from r/RaisedByNarcissists

I’m not a psychologist in any capacity, but having been through it myself and having sat down and watched a film adaptation from where the term hails, here’s a sort of brief rundown of some things gaslighters will do to their victims:

making attempts to isolate you (from friends, from family members, etc; ex, excessive monitoring of your communications with friends to the point of taking your phone or computer so you can’t contact them, although this may be done subtly)

telling you that you have traits or attributes that do not feel or sound like things you do (ex, telling you that you are “forgetful” or “tend to lose things” even when you are not a forgetful person)

accusing you of lying, whether directly or indirectly (ex. asking, “what did you do with x thing?”, not believing you when you say you haven’t seen it; then when you find it, saying something to the effect of, “so you did know where it was”)

saying things with emotion and then denying there is any emotion behind their words (ex. if they say something to you in an angry way and when you say, “don’t be angry,” they say, “i’m not angry” and look at you like you’re crazy)

making you look bad in front of others (this can be making you look like a jerk, making you look inconsiderate, making you look foolish, like a buzzkill, etc.)

taking on a tone to imply that you are scaring them, even when you have not done or said anything out of the ordinary (if you’re thinking to yourself, “i didn’t even have any emotion behind this, i didn’t even sound angry” and they’re reacting like they’re afraid you’re going to hit you? that’s gaslighting)

whiplash mood swings and honeymooning - quickly going from being angry at you to putting on a convincing happy act in front of others; “honeymooning” is when, after a period of abuse, they start to act really nice and considerate towards you, making you think that they’ve changed, or maybe they do one really nice thing for you as a way to “make up” for their behavior (this never lasts, don’t buy it.)

turning themselves into the victim of every situation (guilt tripping you, especially in situations where you are telling them that they have hurt you. parents really love this one; it’s the “oh so i’m a horrible parent” comeback to any time you’ve ever said “this really hurt my feelings”)

infantalizing you (another parental favorite)

upsetting you in public, covertly, so that only you are aware of what they have said/done

threatening you with institutionalization

Another big one that I don’t think I mentioned here because it’s not one that came up in the film is outright denying that something ever happened. We tend to assume that’s something we’d be able to catch outright, but the truth of the matter is that their lies start out small and they do all of these things above & more for the sake of putting you off balance and confusing you so that by the time their lies get to the level of things you should be able to look at and say plainly, “that’s not true,” you’ve gotten to the point where you feel like you can’t trust your own memory or judgement of things. 

I’ll give a couple examples because the list of potential things they could lie about goes between fairly small stuff to extreme stuff:

my mother claimed once that she was never on her phone during dinner

my mother claiming she’d never seen movies that not only did i remember her commentary on, but i’m pretty sure one of them we actually saw in theatres

her claiming i’d never told her things that i most definitely had told her before

combined with that one: lying about the last time we’d had contact; right before i cut off all contact with her i was able to actually screenshot the dates and times of the last time we’d spoken and send them to her

lying about actual historical facts; in my mother’s case: refusing to acknowledge that ABA had, since its inception, used aversives and was abusive in practices, was the foundation of the conversion therapy movement. i sent her screenshot and link proofs of this as well and she did not appreciate it

she also claimed that she never threatened to kick me out of the house and claimed that i promised her i would start therapy before starting HRT - neither of which are accurate or even remotely believable (you really think i’d up and move w two weeks notice halfway across the country if i hadn’t been kicked out? i have to laugh.)

Another one that did not really get shown well in the film but that I believe i’ve read somewhere and have personal experience with, is that they like to keep you traumatized. It keeps you in a state of like... uncertainty, I guess you could say. It keeps you from feeling completely lucid or in control of things, and more likely to need help and depend on them for continued support. They may also be likely to mess with your head in other ways, like with the use of drugs - and I don’t just mean illegal ones; parents who have control over your medication and make sure you take it do have to potential to keep you up on medications you don’t actually need as a method of control. (Both of these can actually be seen in use in the film Midsommar w/ the suicide ritual being a method of continued trauma and the constant drug use being...obvious. I’m sure it gets used in other places too but that was the first one to come to mind, and Aster does a really good job of showing how effective that shit is.)

I don’t really know what other religions rules are like when it comes to confidentiality. I was raised Catholic, and there was a certain understanding about priests and ethics that pretty much went that unless you had a warrant (and on top of that, a damn good reason; iirc there have been plenty who don’t even testify under oath) they weren’t to tell anyone what you told them in confidence. If you know anything about their ethics regarding that or even feel that you can ask them safely about it, it could be a good place to start if you feel that church community is one where you feel safe. 

The biggest roadblock tbh is age and...idk how else to put this other than status? If you’re a minor there is, unfortunately, not a lot you can do to get away from her or get her to stop - especially if you’re in a situation where she’s really your only parent. Which is sort of what I meant by status; do you have another parent or step-parent, sibling, uncle, aunt, cousin, etc  you feel you could talk to about it? 

I really wish I could recommend school guidance counselors, but I’m not altogether sure they’re equipped with the right materials to help you out there. That being said, if you have a family member that you can trust to help you find a therapist outside of school, that would also be a really good resource; whether you’re an adult still living within that contact or a minor who can’t get away at the moment, a therapist can help you come up with some coping techniques to deal with it until you can safely get away. I’d suggest looking for one who specializes in trauma or in PTSD, esp if they have c-PTSD listed (the ‘c’ is for complex, which is a proposed addition(??) to PTSD that would separate a singular traumatic event from an ongoing traumatic situation like living in war zones, being a POW, domestic violence, etc). PsychologyToday has a search function for finding accredited therapists in your area that should list their specialties, credentials, and insurance plans they take. (And if you’re asked why you need one, honestly, extrapolate on a minor issue. Like tbh you could just say body image issues.) Therapists are bound by license-revoking ethics not to tell anyone what you discuss in therapy unless you are going to hurt yourself or someone else.

[If you feel you’re being monitored too closely at home and don’t have a way to get this information at school, I suggest asking a reference librarian to help you out. A lot of public libraries will have community resource information, and if they don’t have flyers or brochures out, reference librarians’ entire jobs are to help you access information whether that’s in the library or in the community! That’s why I work in LIS, lol.]

Other than that the two big pieces of advice I have are:

Build up a support network outside your family. If you feel you can’t trust them with this, or even if you’re worried about putting them in the middle of a difficult situation - and even if those aren’t concerns for you - it’s always good to have a support network that isn’t connected to the situation in some way. Most of my support network came from friends, a bulk of whom I knew from online, and from coworkers. The first person to tell me I was being gaslit was actually a coworker, who I talked to when I got kicked out and was shaken up about it. I had a p good relationship w my boss and all my coworkers there, so when I had to put in my two weeks’ notice I actually got an offer to stay with my boss in the event that the situation escalated, and also knew I could go and stay with my one of my best friends with their grandad, or their sister. In fact, right when that happened, my friends already had a kind of escape plan half-formed because things had just kind of been getting worse, and for almost a year now I’ve been living with my other best friend. Even if things never get to the point of you having to leave the house, just having people that you can rely on who will be on your side entirely is crucial to dealing with that kind of stress.

If you think or feel you may be getting gaslit - even if you’re thinking to yourself that you’re just blowing things out of proportion or that it’s “not that bad” (a lot of us go through that) - start keeping a journal of things your mother says to you. You don’t have to show anyone. Just keep it for yourself. It doesn’t even have to be anything important; like I said earlier, it can be as simple as off-handed comments about movies you’ve watched or appointments you’ve made or what have you. Write them down when they happen, date them, and then when she says something that you feel contradicts what you’ve already heard - you can fact-check it. You can also do this with screenshots if it’s over text or something, and if you think you can get away with secretly recording her on your phone that might help too. I don’t recommend telling her you’re doing this or pointing out when she’s been lying; in the event she doesn’t outright deny it she could flip it around to make herself the victim or spiral out of control and get worse - this is just for your peace of mind. The goal of gaslighting, to quote the movie, is to “systematically [drive] you out of your mind”. This would just be a way to reassure yourself that you’re not making it up, you didn’t forget, you’re not blowing things out of proportion. 

If you need anything more specific, feel free to let me know! I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it really just fucking sucks. But I believe you can make it! And there is an it - there’s an out, even if it’s hard to get to or takes long. 

[calliecat93]

Top 5 Things I Liked About RWBY Volume 4

(Top 5 Dislikes)

This is going out later than I was hoping, but hey better now that never. Anyways, I honestly think that V4 is a pretty underrated Volume. There’s a lot that I really enjoy about it and after the insanity of V3, I’m glad that we got a more lowkey season that let everyone begin to heal. I’m hoping that RvB18 will follow that path tbh, but that’s not important here. There’s a lot to like, so let’s talk about the Top 5 Things I Liked About RWBY Volume 4!

#5. The Switch to Maya/Improved Animation

For Volumes 1-3, animaiton was primarily done in a program called Poser. This was mainly because it was what Monty liked to use, especially for fight animation. Poer isn’t an animation program, it is a modeling program that Monty was able to work for what he needed, but again it is not a proper animation program. V3 looks amazing, but I think that it was clear that they had reached their limit on how much they could push it. Add that with now having a larger animation staff, and it was time for a change. As such, they shifted to Maya, a common animaiton program in the field, and I am going to say it… it was 100% the right choice.

The animaiton in the Poser Era wasn’t bad, but… there were plenty of times where it felt like expressions and casual movements were very stiff. V4 changed that massively. There is so much more facial expression, but not just that. Take Blake’s cat ears for example. They are SO expressive in every scene that she’s in. Sure it might be because she threw out the bow, but still! I really don’t think that they could have done that in Poser. Animaiton models improved, like Sun’s abs no longer being glued to him for example and his little necklace sometimes daggling about. Environments look more vibrant. Environments have improved. Things like shading look better. And while the fight scenes aren’t Monty-like anymore, they are still really good! Seriously, Qrow vs Tyrian is still awesome~

I know that the shift wasn’t something liked by everyone, though I think that the vast majority have come around since V4. The animaiton has only kept improving after this, and it’s crazy going back to V1 and seeing the difference. But they sold me the second that they released the Ruby Trailer in the lead-up to the volume. Maya has allowed for a lot of improvement and new opportunities, and I believe that RT made the right choice in transitioning over to it. V4 looked so good, especially with how many new locations that it introduced us to, and I freakin’ love it~

#4. Expansion On The World

Volume 4, above all, is a world-building volume. We spent all of our time in the first three volumes primarily in Beacon and the city fo Vale. The only locations that we got a substantial amount of time in otherwise were Mountain Glenn and the Amity Arena for the Vytal Festival. Otherwise, we’ve been stuck in one place despite knowing that there is a much larger world out there. Thankfully though, this volume takes us outside the Kingdom of Vale and finally allowed us to explore the rest of Remnant… well, parts of it. Still, more than the other volumes had.

This was an advantage of using the multiple plotlines.. We got a really good amount of new locations. RNJR was in Anima, which had a lot of Asian-inspired scenery and naming. Yeah, we mostly spend the time on trails and villages, but you can still see the difference between the villages and Vale. Which we got to see what it’s like outside of Vale. Some villages like Higanbana are nice, while others like Shion or Kuroyuri… well… it emphasizes just how bleak the world truly is. Vale was an overall safe place, and even that wasn’t safe. If you don’t live within a kingdom though? Hope that luck is on your side.

We also get to see Menagerie for the first time. Sadly we don’t get to see as much here or in V5, but we do get to see how cramped it is and it overall looks nice. You can see that, as Blake said, they tried to make it a welcoming place for Faunus. We get to see Weiss’ home, which is as empty and cold as you would have imagined it being. It looks grand, but it’s just… empty and quiet with Weiss, more or less, alone aside from Klein. Patch is nice, you can certainly see why Tai would raise his kids there and in contrast to Weiss’ home, it’s small but the peaceful and comforting environment that Yang needed. Salem’s realm is eerie. Oscar’s farm is… a farm. And Mistral? Amazing.

What I’m getting at here is that we learn so much more about the world. Even outside exploring new locations, we learn about the Relics and the God Brothers. We start to get an understanding of the war between Oz and Salem, though of course, we learn the true scale in V6. The volume does a lot to make Remnant feel more like an actual world full of stories, problems, and history. It took us out of the hub that we were used to with Volumes 1-3, and I think that they did so very well. Very much appreciate it~

#3. Yang Plotline

While Yang got the least amount of focus, I… don’t view that as a bad thing. A story can’t be dictated by screentime alone. You have to look at how well they executed what they needed to do in the amount of time that they had. For example, they didn’t do very well with Ruby in V5 with the time that they had, but we’ll save that for the V5 posts. For V4, as I said, Oscar didn’t get the proper development and they didn’t utilize the amount fo time that they had for him well. But Yang though? I thought that they did her very well here.

Yang’s plot is, of course, recovering after losing her arm and getting back into fighting condition so that she can go after Ruby. We see that she has PTSD, having flashbacks and nightmares and her emotional state is… not in the bright place that we’re used to. Chapter 4, the chapter mainly focused on her, shows how concerned she is about taking the first steps of recovery, though we do see her start to laugh and joke around again. With Tai’s encouragement and support, Yang ut son the new arm, trains again and Tai helps her see the disadvantages of her fighting style/Semblance reliance, and opens up to her about Raven. In the end, Yang’s ready to go after her sister. She’s not 100% healed, but she’s got her drive back and is ready to move ahead.

Now again, Yang gets the least amount of focus. She only gets one chapter dedicated to her, and otherwise, her’s appears the least out of the four RWBY girls. But they utilized that time very well. They don’t drag it out or rush through it. They set up Yang’s mental state, show us signs of her PTSD, have Tai give her the proper encouragement, and have her start to get back on her feet. I’m glad that they were just straightforward with it, there was no need to drag it out especially since V5 and 6 show that there are still things that she has to work through. The point for this volume though was to get Yang well enough mentally for her to get back out onto the field, and they did that very well. She was in a positive environment as well, and that probably helped her.

So yeah, when I look back at the Yang plot, I have no issues with it. I think that it was given the amount of attention that it needed. It wasn’t rushed, but it wasn’t dragged out either. Yang didn’t fully recover, but she got well enough to move forward. That was the ultimate goal for everyone’s plotline, and they achieved it here. But I’m gonna leave it at 3 since it is a bit of a bummer that she got limited screentime. But for what it’s worth, they used that time properly and I am happy with the final result.

#2. Weiss Plotline

Out of all the plots, Weiss’ is my favorite and imo, the best one done. This is because this is the conclusion to her three volumes worth of character development. As I said n the V3 Likes post, her plot had her decide to finally cut herself away from her father for good and move ahead with the life that she wanted. Sadly, due to the Fall, Jaques had the perfect excuse to got o Vale and force her to return to Atlas with him. So just as quickly a she was able to embrace her freedom and the choice to never turn back, fate dealt her a bad hand and she was her father’s prisoner once more. Which she literally becomes a prisoner after her outburst at the charity event and gets stripped of her title. It’s just… horrible to watch that scene. Really, any scene with her and Jaques is uncomfortable, especially when he slaps her.

This is when we truly get to see Jaques abuse first hand, and it is as horrible as the previous hints indicated. He’s condescending and passive-aggressive to Weiss. He treats her like she’s a child and an employee more than as a parent. Compare it to Tai or Ghira with Yang and Blake, where they are nothing but caring and supportive to their daughters. Ghira especially welcomed Blake back with open arms despite how she called them cowards in the past and was just glad that she found her way again and was safe. Jaques only cares about Weiss for his image and to use her when it suits his needs, whether Weiss is willing to do it or not. He makes her sing rather than ask her. He refuses to let her out fo his sight during the charity gala. He talks down to her. He tries to gaslight her into everything being her fault and like her outburst was wrong.

Weiss did NOTHING wrong. She, and maybe Ironwood, were the only ones at that charity who gave a damn about Vale. Seeing her in that environment, where people were snobby, argumentative, and only cared about their own petty problems makes you really, really appreciate how much she had grown. She had broken out of that mindset after V1 and when the Trophy Wife claims that Vale deserved what it got, she rightfully calls her and everyone else out on their bullshit and refuses to let Jaques shut her up. Yeah, it ends badly with Weiss losing her title and Whitley rubbing it in. Weiss had no one aside form Klein, who is an actual good person who showed Weiss kindness and care moreso than her own family ever did. When Weiss breaks down, ti just… hurts. But luckily, at her lowest point, Weiss decides that enough is enough. She gets back out Myrtenaster, perfects her Summoning Glyph, and decides to break free once and for all. Klein helps her escape, and she manages to get onto a plane heading for Mistral. Which leads to… more problems, but that’s for the next volume.

Weiss’ plotline was very well done. It gets you to see how far that she’s come since Volume 1. She wanted to break free and become better, and she did. Jaques tries to lock her away again, but he failed. Weiss had gotten a taste of freedom, and she was going to reclaim it. She was going to redeem her family name her way by being a Huntress and no one was going to stop her. As This Life is Mine stated, “I won’t be possessed/burdened by your royal test/I will not surrender, this life is mine.” Yes Weiss, it is indeed.

Weiss was great, but there is one character whose focus I appreciated not just because it was good, but because it saved that character in my eyes.

#1. Ren Becoming a Character

I haven’t talked much about Ren and Nora, and that was because up until now… there wasn’t much to talk about. While I liked them fine enough, in V1-3 they’re just… there. It felt like they existed just because Jaune and Pyrrha had to be part of a four-man team because they’re nothing more than supporting characters there. Nora at least was funny and bubbly so she was at least fun, but Ren? He was just… quiet and the straight-man to Nora’s antics. That was it. He didn’t feel like a character, he just felt like a necessity needed to fill in a spot. My biggest hope with V4 was, now with JNR traveling with RWBYt hey would do something, anything to flesh out Ren and Nora. At least for one of them.

Fortunately, I got my wish.

To be fair, RWBY Chibi had gotten me to warm up to Ren since they got a lot out of him in several of the skits. More than I thought that they could. But I also like Chibi!Neo FAR more than I like Canon!Neo, so that wasn’t saying much. But fortunately, Volume 4 came around! Ren was really great in this volume! He’s still the quiet one, though he gets more here than any other volume. Which is something to note real quick. Neath has done a fantastic job as Ren. I can’t imagine how it had to have felt since he was taking over Monty’s spot. His brother’s spot. But he has done a perfect job since Day One, and I can’t imagine anyone else int he role at this point. He especially shows his range in this volume, and for a guy who had never voice acted until he started doing Ren, he pulls it off perfectly. I love Neath.

Ren is from Anima, but outside Mistral, so he’s of course the most knowledgeable of the area. We get to see more of his tracking and fighting skills, which is as fun to see as it was in Volume 1 which was the last time he got to showcase his fighting style. We get to see him interact with not only Nora, which was really nice especially with Jaune. But most of all, we get to see how Ren’s past affected him. His reaction to the destruction fo Shion perfectly fits due to what happened to Kuroyuri. His refusal to go back there makes sense since… well, no one likes to revisit the source of their trauma. He tells us about Oniyuri, and through him we see just how difficult it is to live outside the Kingdoms. We saw that with what happened to Shion, but Ren is a character that we’ve known for years and we get to see and hear about it through him. Which makes it hit us harder because it affects a character that we’ve known for so long. And when we get to the flashback and see how happy Ren’s life was and how it all went to Hell in just one night? It breaks your heart. We also finally learn his Semblance, which fits him perfectly so that was also appreciated.

But most of all, we get to Kuroyuri, and it’s the first time that we see Ren lose it. He’s always been a very calm, very tranquil person but when the Nucklavee attacks, he is understandably terrified… and then just lose it. We’ve NEVER seen him get angry before, but seeing the monster that ruined his life, killed his family, and destroyed his home? Yeah, that’ll make anyone snap. But thankfully, Nora snaps him out of it and this is when we see just how strong their relationship is. When Ren lost everything, he found Nora who had absolutely no one, and befriended her. They fought together. They survived together. They went through everything together, both good and bad. So fo course Nora could see that Ren was losing it, and she was the only one who could pull him back and stop him before he lost himself I’d still like them to be more clear on if Renora is canon or not cause I still really don’t know. But at least we get to see that their dynamic isn’t just the ‘hyper girl, calm guy’ dynamic. There is a true bond there, and it’s just beautiful.

It ends with Ren suing his father’s knife, the only thing of his family that he still has, to kill the Nuclavee. For his parents. For all the lives stolen. And, of course, for himself. This was him confronting his trauma, and finally putting it to rest and moving forward. That’s the biggest theme of this volume honestly, taking what brought you down, and moving forward. Yang began to stand up again after her trauma. Blake decided to quit running and to rise up against the White Fang once and for all. Weiss broke free of her father despite him trying to pull her back. Ruby saw just how bad the world truly was along with the Fall of Beacon still haunting her, but took ti and strengthened her resolve to be a Huntress and make things better as much as possible. And Ren? He chose to go back to Kurroyuri to save his friends and destroyed the monster that made so many suffer but without giving in to his sorrow. 

The volume just made me love Ren and see him more as a character than I had before. He’s one of my absolute favorites no. I’m hoping that V7 is going to do the same with Nora since at this point, I feel that she’s the most under-developed of the main cast. But we’ll just have to wait and see. Regardless, V4 changed my opinion of Ren completely and his story was done very well. As such, it my favorite thing about RWBY Volume 4.

And another volume done! So… next we get to Volume 5. Ho boy, I haven’t revisited it since it ended and not for the reasons that you think. But we’ll talk more on those posts. For now, thanks for reading everyone~!

[dtsugabby]

BTS Fic Rec

Bear with me, I’m trying to organize all of my recs from various sources. In the meantime, check out below and also my ao3 bookmarks here if what’s below isn’t enough!

A U T H O R S

Basically, I’d rec anything by these authors. They are incredibly talented and I always enjoy their works.

 dirtysope (ao3, also on twitter)

wispyoongi (ao3, also on twitter)

pauline (twitter)

bri (twitter)

kaythebest (ao3)

metastacia (ao3)

babiesko_o (twitter)

moonlitaehyung (twitter)

bloom (twitter)

F I C S

Twitter

<History> sope au in which murder mystery writer Yoongi joins a new dating app that connects people based on their internet search history. He’s matched up with Hoseok, who, unbeknownst to him, is a notorious serial killer all over the news.

jikook au where idol jimin is having a competition, whoever has the highest scores on his superstar app gets to go on a date with him. only one problem, 90% of the songs have an unbeatable high score all from the same user, "jjklovespjm". that user happens to be the idol jungkook

jikook au where jimin and jungkook are new roommates and jimin finds jungkooks hidden stash of yaoi and boylove manga under his bed but it's funny bc jungkook is straight.

jikook au where jimin and jungkook are both gay af but they think the other is straight. so, they act extremely heterosexual around each other, causing them to believe the other is straight even more. this only leads to awkward conversations and situations.

「 euphoria 」   ✧ jikook au ✧ -in which they were childhood friends. later on they both become part of different rival musical groups, and one day jm finds a love letter from jk which he wrote years ago.

jikook au where well known ceo, jeon jungkook, is seen as a huge playboy by media and the public. nobody knows that hes been married to his childhood best friend for 6 years and has a son.

Jikook AU} Whiskey   In which Jungkook comes back traumatized from war and Jimin is the bartender who lives next door. One day, as he’s coming back from work, he sees Jungkook sitting in his front porch, a bottle of whiskey in his hand.

NamJin AU In which for some reason Seokjin is just really really convinced that Namjoon is a witch. Joon found it interesting and keep taking Jin on a date, disguising it as a "prove research"

taekook au Jeongguk tries breaking up with his boyfriend through an AirDrop note but accidentally sends it to Taehyung instead, which of course, leads to a series of unfortunate events.

[jikook au] where youtuber jimin reacts to jungkook's video and jimin is introduced to the mess that is jeon jungkook

「 vminkook 」♡ hidden where taehyung finds this very popular vminkook stan account that he shows to jimin and jungkook and they spend the whole night laughing at the edits, aus and posts. what they don't know is that jungkook is the person running the account.

「 jikook au 」♤ little do you know when popular kid jeon jungkook's crush is revealed to be a certain park jimin everyone assumes it's cheerleader and social butterfly girl jimin and not nerdy bookworm boy jimin

「 jikook au 」◇ encounter park jimin's idol group makes an appearance on the hottest variety show in korea. he has a big fat secret crush on one of the hosts, jeon jungkook who is very clearly flirting with his fellow member, min yoongi - so jimin becomes petty on national tv.

[NAMJIN AU] “SKY HIGH” Seokjin is a flight attendant who keeps clashing with HR. He gets a final warning letter with one last chance. Desperate, he offers to give a passenger a blowjob in exchange for not writing a complaint, not knowing the other’s true identity...

Jimin is a single father and his little son is the biggest fan of the worldwide known singer Jeon Jeongguk~

[ jikook au ] - show me:  where jimin sent jungkook nudes over twitter but those pictures wouldn’t load on jungkook’s phone so he just replies with an ‘lmao’

[jikook au] solo artist, jeon jungkook, is getting married.

jikook social media au in which jungkook is a very famous kpop idol in the middle of his world tour and jimin is a small nsfw twt acc their worlds collide when korea’s favorite idol accidentally likes a tweet on the latter’s account

yoonseok!au in which hoseok accidentally drunk texts yoongi instead of his ex

yoonseok au where yoongi accidentally sends the wrong picture to his coworker hoseok

Yoonseok/SOPE AU In which amateur police detective Min Yoongi has to solve a series of public murder cases with no witnesses while being assisted by murderer and conman Jung Hoseok who agreed to help as it can shorten his prison sentence

<YOONSEOK/SOPE AU> in which Hoseok confesses to his long-time crush, Yoongi, by sending him a Spotify playlist. Oblivious to what’s going on, Yoongi goes ahead and drags his music choices. [mostly crack and fluff tbh]

[ jikook au ] - time where jimin can see a person’s lifespan and knows that his own time is limited but discovers that whenever he shares physical contact with jungkook he gains time but the thing is they hate each other

[jikook au] — the list nsfw in which jungkook just wants to go grocery shopping and jimin sends him an unexpected list

jikook au where jimin is a popular beauty youtuber, known for his lipstick looks. jungkook is a gaming/vlog youtuber who finally gets the confidence to post his own makeup tutorials that hes been filming for months (secretly) after discovering jimin.

jikook au where jungkook has tattoos, lots of piercings, and always wears black. jimin thinks hes dangerous and bad, until he sees jungkook with a pokemon lunchbox surrounded by dogs at the park one day.

AO3

Dynasty (series, completed, sope, taenamjin, jikook) Royal AU, slight fantasy?, I cried several times 

“Hundreds of years ago, the Gods intertwine the lives of seven boys. They suffer through war, heartache, & separation, but with the help of the Fates & their inner wolves, they all try to find their happy endings.

abo au universe on twitter;; https://twitter.com/dirtysope/status/1054116662620778496″

Peaches (series, incomplete, sope, namjin, vminkook) BDSM 101, somehow the most adorable thing ever, all commissioned

“A very nsfw modern setting AU which is centered around the boys exploring their sexualities predominantly through BDSM. The main ships are Sope, Namjin, and Vminkook, but various pairings will be explored in poly situations in shared BDSM scenes.”

Infinity (series, incomplete, sope, vmin) Vampire AU, all commissioned (I’m part of the commission group!!), sope are soulmates wbk

“This is an OT7 vampire universe that involves all seven of the boys. Main pairings will be Sope, Vminkook, and Namjin. This is your warning for darker themes⚠️ There will be compulsion, mind control, gaslighting, possessive behavior, violence, death, murder, & angst. ~no toxicity occurs within the ships~ Blood drinking will be very relevant and featured heavily!”

Charmed (series, complete?, sope-centric) HP AU! So cute, my first dirtywisp fic and tied for my favorite HP au in the fandom

“Bangtan in the Harry Potter universe.”

Infectious (chaptered, complete, sope, yoonmin, namjin, taekook, jikook, vmin, vminkook) THE zombie apocalypse AU, very angst filled, major character death, semi-happy ending (if you discount the MCD)

“During the first leg of their US tour, BTS, depleted, weary, tempers flaring, step on the stage for the second night of concerts. Little do they know, this is not going to be like any other show of their lives--instead before the end of the first song they are going to be on the run against what they can only call a zombie attack. Determined to stay alive until BigHit can rescue them, BTS is forced to be smart, resourceful, and get over themselves to survive.”

Hand In Hand (chaptered, incomplete, namgi) adoption au, disabilities au, i cried literal tears several times

“Namjoon, a sign language professor, and Yoongi, a songwriter, got certified to foster. But, they never expected that would open the door to love, heartache, pain, and most importantly, family. But, as they figure out this "dad-thing" hand-in-hand, they realize that family isn't made up of blood, it's the love that they have for each other.~or~ Namjoon's a deaf college professor Yoongi is his husband and a songwriter Seokjin is their case manager Hoseok, Jungkook, Tae and Jimin are kiddos with their own set of challenges and triumphs“

Heart of War (chaptered, incomplete, namjin, taegi, jihope) royal au

“For the protection of his people, Prince Seokjin has to marry his fiancé’s killer: the alpha king of the most ruthless and feared kingdom in all the lands with a reputation of being a cold blooded monster on the battlefield. Worst of all, the omega prince doesn't even speak their language.“

Until Dawn (series, incomplete, jikook, sope, namjin) fantasy creatures au, 100/10, tae is in it too, they all come together to save the world from various disasters major and minor, read this series

“The Documented Adventures of Your Favorite Local Supernatural Gang”

Raspberry Vodka (chaptered, complete, jikook) college au, misunderstandings

““You don’t have to make excuses.” Jimin crosses the room and Jungkook follows him to the doorway, all the words he wants to say jumbling together in his head but never making it to his lips. He wants to tell Jimin he’s just inexperienced and way too drunk and all he needs is a second to calm down and reassess his thoughts before he throws up from stress, but Jimin is already opening the door and stepping out into the hallway and oh god, he needs to say something.“I’m a virgin!” Jungkook shouts.“

Like A Hard Carry (chaptered, complete, namjin, yoonminseok, taekook) overwatch au, social media au

“In which: Jungkook, a popular Twitch streamer with both the self-esteem of a wilted piece of lettuce and the impulse control of suicidal squirrel, convinces his best friend Jimin to do a livestream for him; RM, captain of a pro Overwatch team, is suddenly missing a sniper; Jin, in an attempt to make things better, just makes them worse; Hoseok screams in various different volumes and moods; V, a pro-gamer, finds an incredible sniper, a cute boy, and a crush, making the mistake to think that they’re all the same person; Yoongi isn’t sure which one of his friends is going to make him die from second-hand stupidity first; and Jimin is caught in the middle of a love triangle that he’s not ACTUALLY a part of, one that he actually is a part of, and that fact that no matter how much Jungkook tries, Jimin will always be absolutely terrible at Overwatch.“

Vocal Princess (chaptered, complete, yoonmin) crossdressing on a dare au, yoongi is very gay and very confused, Jimin is embarrassed and trying his best

“Fed up with his inability to understand women, Jimin's sister dresses him like a girl. Jimin finds himself working with a producer, Yoongi, and donning his disguise for much longer than he intended. Jimin wonders if he’s losing his mind or if he’s really falling for a guy. Meanwhile, Yoongi is VERY GAY AND VERY CONFUSED WHY HE’S SO ATTRACTED TO THIS WOMAN IN HIS STUDIO. aka Jimin dresses as a girl and Yoongi has a heterosexual crisis.“

City of Stars (chaptered, complete, namgi) hanahaki au, so so good, but fr, FUCK THE ENDING

“hanahaki disease: an illness where the victim regurgitates and coughs up flower petals when they suffer from unrequited love. this can only be cured through surgical removal, however the victim's romantic feelings for their love disappear along side with the infection. yoongi starts coughing petals for namjoon, a witch with a constellation of stars glowing on his cheeks – except, flowers aren't the only things ripping his insides apart.“

jung hoseok writes instruction manuals (while stupidly in love) (series, complete?, sope) so so fluffy and cute, list au

listen to my heart (can you hear it sing) (chaptered, complete, namjin-centric) abo au, namjoon is a big dummy but we love him

“Seokjin wasn't his, but he was still as every bit of 'his' as the rest of the wolves in the pack, and Namjoon was going to have to learn to live with that.In which Namjoon constantly, to everyone's disappointment, fucks up.“

delta (chaptered, complete, namgiseok) very very good poly rapline, canon divergence?, angst but happy resolution

“He was the last person Namjoon expected to hear from - thought he was dreaming when he saw the email in his work inbox. It was short and simple, typical Hoseok. Just: We saw what happened. We’re so sorry. If you need get away for awhile, you’re always welcome to come stay with us - JH. He wonders now if Hoseok was surprised when he said yes. If Hoseok only extended the invitation because he didn’t think Namjoon would actually come.(Or: Namjoon chose a solo career and left Yoongi and Hoseok behind. Seven years later, after being outed by a Korean tabloid, he ends up on their couch in Queens, trying to face an uncertain future. And confront feelings that have persisted for nearly a decade.)“

Good Friends (series, complete?, yoonmin, namjin, taekook, vhope) hilarious, misunderstandings, college au

“Yoongi likes to brag to his friends about his boyfriend. Jimin likes to brag to his friends about his boyfriend. Little do they know there's actually crossover in their friend groups.”

Just Another Game (chaptered, incomplete, yoongi x everyone, many side pairings) a n g s t, I am a beta on this fic, great writing, author is interactive

“Set during 2019, after their world tour and after Answer's release. Min Yoongi's career has put him in bisexual hell: living with six hot bandmates who think it's really funny to flirt and get handsy with him and with each other all the time. Between constant struggles like not knowing whether he and Jimin nearly made out while drunk, to bed sharing with Jungkook every other night, to not being sure how to stop imagining what it'd be like to kiss Namjoon, it's only a matter of time before he loses his mind as he realizes he's in love with six perfect but very straight boys. After Yoongi drunkenly comes out as bi, he can’t remember the confession the next day. Taken by surprise, the boys lightheartedly start a competition to see who Yoongi finds the most attractive in the group. The objective is set to getting a kiss from Yoongi before he finds out about the competition. Though they mean well, things go downhill fast for all of them. As they each realize they are attracted to Yoongi, they start taking things too far beyond what they’d signed up for.”

eternal sunshine (oneshot, complete, sope) canon au, i commissioned this fic!!, I love it so much, slight angst then fluffy sexy times

“Yoongi is having a rough day at practice. He's not focused on the choreo, and no matter how hard he tries he just can't seem to get anything right. But luckily for him he has Hoseok, and he always knows how to put Yoongi's broken pieces back together. “

offer me your deathless death (yoongi is a serial killer!AU) (series, incomplete, yoonmin, namjin, vhope) a bit of an odd read but I loved it, dark, not what you think, pulls at heartstrings

“a peak into the lives of the rich and the powerful (non-linear; no specific order of stories)Notes:mainly yoonmin, but there's namjin and vhope too! :D (also known as the jimin is a ceo!AU and the namjoon is a hospital-owner-person!AU)”

to the moon and back (chaptered, complete, vmin, vminkook) vmin are supernatural hunters, poor kookie, something’s not quite right in this town 

“"The other kids think that Jimin is strange. And he is, to be fair. Sometimes Jimin talks to people that aren’t there. Sometimes he starts crying, randomly, and then a moment later the wailing siren of an ambulance or police car can be heard outside. Sometimes he just shuts down and won’t talk to anyone." Jimin and Taehyung are basically professionals. When they're called in to deal with a werewolf terrorizing a small town, they know the deal. Things are rarely as they seem.”

Spine Breaker (chaptered, complete, sope, namjin, taekook) hunger games/ready player one au, video game brought to real life, plot twists, angst but a happy ending

“The clock is ticking, Jeon Jeongguk only has two bottles of water, one lunchbox, and ten bombs with which he has to kill six people if he wants to live. He's just eighteen and the only experience he has throwing bombs includes sitting in front of his screen, smashing buttons on his controller and swearing at his longstanding in-game rival, VforVictory. Someone has recreated the hit warfare videogame, Spine Breaker, and although Kim Seokjin is the mascot of the game, he knows nothing about how to play it but now finds himself launched in the middle of a stranded island, his bombs missing, his glasses smashed, and a pursuer who wants something more sinister than just his death. Min Yoongi knows why he's here. He knows why everyone is here, but his battles had begun long ago. The clock is ticking and Yoongi is running out of time, but he knows that zero is not the end. It's kill or be killed.”

The Shaman and the Exorcist (chaptered, complete, namjin-centric) SO GOOD, ghost hunter au, seokjin is a fake bitch and namjoon is pissed, angst angst angst, ok ending though

“Seokjin doesn't believe in ghosts. Which would cause a huge uproar if everyone knew since he's kind of a big deal at his university; he's a shaman who protects people from evil spirits. He doesn't remember where he got the idea to do this from, all he knows is that superstitious people pay good money. Namjoon does believe in ghosts. Better yet, he can see them and he can expel them. But there's a certain phoney shaman at his university who's stealing all his clients in his exorcism business, and he's not happy about it because haunted people pay good money. So, what do they do? Figure out whose closet is holding all the skeletons, of course.“

charmed (oneshot, complete, namjin) very cute, existential, seokjin got tricked boo hoo

“"So you’re not going to eat me?" Seokjin asks, just to confirm."Why would I eat you?" "Because you’re a dragon," Seokjin says slowly, because it should be obvious, despite Namjoon not looking very dragon-y at all. Namjoon looks unimpressed. "I may be a dragon, but I’m not an animal."”

Monster Private Eye (series, incomplete, namjin, vhope, jikook) funniest thing ever, namjoon is a detective and kook is his assistant, tae is a mess, jimin is an idol, solve crimes be gay 

“Kim Namjoon (klutz, genius, poet, private investigator) solves cases for the unusual and secretive clientele of Monster Private Investigator. His assistant, Jeon Jungkook (big muscles, bigger heart) helps out. Each story revolves around Namjoon taking on the request of a different member (noted in the title), for a total of 7 cases in this collection, all from Namjoon’s POV. Members also appear in chapters that are not focused on them. All works can stand alone, but I suggest that you read them in order to fully enjoy the characters and relationships as they grow. Enjoy!“

bts hogwarts au (series, incomplete, vmin, namjin, sope) my other favorite HP au, set in the same time as the books but focused on the boys instead with their own storyline, angst, fluff, dealing with coming out and accepting yourself and others

“a series of non-linear snapshots of bangtan’s life at hogwarts. [all ships are main ships] green: yoongi, jimin, jeongguk. red: seokjin, namjoon. yellow: hoseok, taehyung.”

creating a home (series, incomplete, namjin) foster parents namjin kids all the other members, heart wrenching, fluff, would read again and again, follows them as they grow up

“A BTS Foster Care AU”

the professor’s family (series, incomplete?, namjin, taekook) professor! namjin, jungkook is his student, poor kookie, he has the hots for tae

“Professor Kim Namjoon is married. He doesn't have a wife. They have a sort-of son. And Jeon Jungkook just crossed paths with them.”

More to be added!!

[liquorisce]

Hey ris, i was reading this one unfinished wattpad em fic where eren slaps mikasa on the face out of anger. He hit her, but he instantly regretted it afterwards. This had me thinking, how do you progress from that?

I know you dont condone violence!! but i wanna ask, STRICTLY from a narrative perspective as an author how would you progress the story and ems relationship if that (eren hitting mikasa) was a plot point in your fic?

(I’m at a blank trying to imagine how id continue the story its so hard but then again theres a reason im not a writer 😅)

Hope ur having a great day!!

Hi boo! This is such an interesting question~

I think there are two possible directions I would consider taking the story:

1. This is pretty bleak and depressing but, maybe Mikasa would forgive him. Or maybe he is abusive and she accepts it, and blames herself for why he hits her. This is an interesting direction to go if you wanna explore the psyche of a victim who is gaslit into believing they deserve their abuse. So eren could end up getting worser or he might even ask her “why don’t you ever stop me? Do you like being treated this way?” Which is the ultimate gaslighting tbh, and it’s very depressing, ok I’m done with this idea it’s making my heart hurt.

2. This kinda reminds of the Bollywood movie Thappad! Thappad means slap in Hindi; it’s a movie about how this urban hoursewive’s life falls apart after her husband slaps her (only once). He slaps her in front of a room full of people because she tried to break up an argument between him and his boss at a party they were hosting at their house.

Basically she completely withdraws from him and leaves after the incident. The worst part is that the guy isn’t properly apologetic even (it’s a commentary on the entitled, arrogant behaviour of men in Indian households, especially towards their housewives), and he tries to just brush it off. Society and family also tell her to just look past it bc it is “just one slap” and “a really small issue that she is blowing out of proportion”. But she actually sticks to her ground and says it doesn’t matter if it is just one slap, she didn’t deserve it. It’s actually a wonderful story about a woman’s fight for respect and happiness and how society expects her to compromise on both. Anyway, long story short, after a lot of dirty behaviour on his part, she manages to get a divorce. But at the end the ex-husband finally gets some sense and apologises thoroughly and vows to become a man that will someday deserve her.

So yeah, I think this kind of an ending where Mikasa leaves him and he has to understand all the ways he has wronged her, with concerted effort on his part + a loooong journey on his part to get her back would be interesting to explore!

I wonder what the author was going for tho 🥺 ahh this is why I love unfinished stories so much they really leave us thinking 💕 wish you an awesome day too!!

[fallsintograce]

Update/End of the Year

TW: Depression/Suicide Talk

I’ve been trying to figure out what happened in the end of this year tbh. When it started, I was okay. I was fine. I felt better than before. Then somewhere in the middle of it all, I fell apart. Day after day, I got treated like a disease in someone’s space. I felt like I was poison. I went from being on top of the world to wanting to put a gun to my head and blowing out my brains. I still feel that way from time to time. Am I trying to control it? Yes. Do I want to get better? Yes. Am I better? I don’t know.  

I told my mother I never want to write again and she cannot understand why. My husband doesn’t get why. I lost my love for it. I lost my trust in people this year. I feel like I bend my back for so many people, I make exceptions, I do the best I can...yet no one can do anything for me. I’m given promises that not a single person keeps. And yes, that does include some of you over here. A lot of you have made me endless promises and you didn’t keep your end of the bargain. However, I didn’t say anything because I know people are busy. I know you can’t do everything for me. 

See, I was happy in the beginning of the year. I thought I found a place. I thought I found people who I could trust. And then people began to use me, lie to me, gaslight me...and I’m just honestly tired of it. People have separate rules for me but everyone else can get away with whatever they want. Suddenly, I became worse than I was. I was the worst thing in everyone’s life and I believed that. I believed that if I died, all of you would be better off. I would be better off. I tried everything to kill myself. It wasn’t just fandom, it was real life too. Everything around me fell apart there. I had no place to go. I wasn’t wanted here and I wasn’t wanted there. The only solution I could think of was death. If anyone else dies tomorrow, people will mourn them. Who would mourn for me? Would it make a difference if I was around or not? Probably not. 

Well, I had many failed attempts and I’m not sure what I’ve done with this year. Maybe I need to just go away but not in the way I was thinking of before. I need go away from everyone’s life for a while and find myself again. I need to fall back in love with things. I need happiness. So I have made a decision. I will keep things to myself. I will not post updates about anything. I will not say anything to people unless they want me to say something. I won’t even bring up any good news to anyone. Maybe not pushing so hard will work better in my favor. 

I’m not sure why I wrote this. I’m feeling down but I don’t want to bring it up to anyone because I will be turned away. I guess this is me changing everything for next year. I don’t want to hurt anymore. I’m going back to my work and going back to doing what I did best. 

So I guess this is me saying 2018 is all about finding myself again. And I’m going to do it alone. 

[dachi-chan25]

Riverdale episode 6 recap

Okay so it's been a while since I've done I recap (cuz I don't usually have much time) but today I'm hella sick so work is out of the picture and I have a LOT of thoughts/feelings about THIS episode so why the hell not???

First of all I applogize for the format (I'm on mobile cuz turning on my computer literally gives me a headache when I'm sick) I'll try to fix it, and lastly I warn THIS contains–

SPOILERS!!!!!

•So we start the episode talking about fear (honestly I LOVE the intros) we see Archie with his guitar staring anxiously at himself in the mirror and we also see Betty and Polly when they were children, then we have a pretty neat transition to the present. Betty is chillin' on her bed and writing her diary while Mama Cooper (aka Satan) is folding Betty's clothes, oh and my baby drops the bomb she invited Jughead over for breakfast, no biggie am I right???? (OMG THIS is happening!!!!) Alice was shocked!

•My sarcastic baby boy is having the most uncomfortable breakfast ever, (honest to God Imma kill Alice and then I'll adopt her daughters) it seems breakfast was only an excuse for our sleuths to distract Alice (they communicate only with a look #married4eva) So Betty can check her purse for any clues about Polly's whereabouts.

•Their little plight is succesful cause Betts finds a check for some kind of religious asociation (Can't remember the name sorry) they research it on the Blue & Gold offices and find out it's a home for 'troubled youths' #bingo of course they know Polly is there.

•So we have this kinda variety show on Riverdale (my boy Kevin is organizing it of course) and Archie is auditioning but he has stage fright, and no I'm not gonna make any Troy Bolton joke cuz I understand Archie. For those who want to know I'm am actress, I do theater mostly, musical theater, and when I began to study for it I was scared af because even if my friends and family were supportive I had tons of insecurities (and when you are an actor/Singer that's perfectly normal) so yeah I really connected with Archie here (What's the deal with Reggie tho??? First he is an asshole with Juggie and punches Archie, then he is actually decent with Archie and now he is pulling a 'keep ya' head in the game Bolton' and being a total dickhead like???

•At lunch my cutie sleuths are talking bout Polly and sharing food and once again communicating with their eyes (OTP) and for the first time Archie offers his help and Juggie totally rejects his ass (pretty logical tho cuz they would attract too much attention) and I kinda got the feeling Archie is getting jealous idk the way he looked at them did not sit right with me.

•So yeah Archie is angsting about the whole stage fright thing, Valerie is being supportive af (that's pretty cool cuz she actually has experience with this) and my girl Ronnie says she convinced (read: forced) Kevin to give him a slot in the show's program so he has the chance to share his songs (Kevin is totally NOT happy about it tho) but Archie thinks he can't make it alone and Valerie is like 'would love to help but I'm with the Pussycats babe' fear not cuz Ronnie is all smooth and offers to be the 'Bey to his Jay' (honestly I'm not very invested in Archie's love life but he certainly is lucky to have such awesome girls intrested in him) he accepts and it's all very flirty.

•Then we have Mama Lodge and Papa Andrews talking bussines, it seems things are not going good but Fred refuses to 'let his people go' cuz he felt real bad the last time he did (he is talking about Juggie's dad isn't he?) anyway he is not doing them any good either cuz for the looks of it the money is not enough for the payrolls, Fred has a plan tho, he wants to convince the new owner of the Drive In to give him the construction job and he asks for Hermione's help (which is hillarious cuz we, the viewers, know the buyer was her husband) she agrees and... We see Ronnie (i LOVE her) taking flowers to her mom but she doesn't get to give them to her cause she fricking watches her mom kissing Fred!!!!! WTF I thought she wasn't intrested??? Dunno this just made me sad for my girl Ronnie.

•Once Hermione arrives home Veronica confronts her, and is totally logical cuz she is still married, and of course Veronica thought once her dad was free they could be like they were before but Hermione tells her she is not So sure about it. OMG whyyyyyyy??????? Ronnie doesn't deserve THIS and while Hermione can do whatever she wants this is not the right way to go about it. For starters she should get a divorce and talk to Ronnie instead of letting her find out everything on her own and hurting her in the process #fuck them I'll adopt Ronnie too!!

•Then we get a scene where Fred is telling Archie all his 'guys' are gonna go to watch his presentation, Archie is still nervous but his dad is real supportive (why can't all the Riverdale parents be like this???) and he even tells him what happened with Ronnie's mom (see Hermione?? Not so hard to be honest with your child) Archie is also pretty supportive (the Andrews are so uncomplicated is like watching a completely different show)

•We're at school again and we have Archie and Val talking about music and stuff, and then we get a Pussycats rehearsal, Josie is really in the zone and gets pissed at Valerie, my girl Val snaps at her that working with Archie is much more plesant, and Josie looses it saying Val can't sing with both of them and she must choose ASAP Val promptly quits and I'm shoook!!!!!!! WTF is going on???

•Josie, now more calm, tells her mom and her mom is So nonchalant about it??? She tells Josie to replace Val and other pretty fucked up BS (why are the Riverdale parents So shitty???) cuz apparently Josie's dad is comming to see the show and if the Pussycats aren't perfect he would blame her for it. Da fuq????? And what about what Josie feels??? #I'm adopting Josie too

•So yeah Val tells Archie she can sing with him cuz she left the Pussycats and they start rehearsing and it's all nice and dandy til Ronnie arrives with her partiture and Archie is the douchiest douche to have ever douched, for real he didn't even told Ronnie he was going to sing with Val now and just put her aside like a toy or something (honestly fuck him so much!!! I support his love for music but that doesn't give him the right to use people and discard them whenever he wants) of course my girl totally calls this fuckboi out but in her anger she ends up yelling at him about their parents's affair. #protectRonnie #where's my girl Cheryl to console her gf??? Anyway Ronnie goes straight to the Pussycats and offers to replace Val (OMG she gets the kitty ears And the whole mean girls corridor-catwalk vibe it's awesome)

•They are rehearsing but Ronnie is not into it And Josie calles her out, And Ronnie explodes about everything, Josie is supportive af and very insightful tho. #I'm here for Josie/Ronnie friendship (And maybe more) Cherjosieca is my new OT3

•So we get Juggie and Betty in front of this wierd asylum (OMG they totally skipped school) there they must be separated cuz only Betty can enter, they take her to Polly's room, but she is not there she is in the gardens and honestly when the Cooper sisters reunite is the most beautiful thibg, and also Betty founds Polly is not sick but she is pregnant (I totally knew this)

•We get the full story about how she and Jason were gonna run away on July 4th but someone told her parents and she got taken away (for fuck's sake why do you do this to your daughter?!?!? Over maple syrup really????)and OMFG she doesn't know Jason is dead!!!!!!! #go home Riverdale parents # this year's 'Shittiest parent' award goes to Alice and Hal Cooper.

•An old lady (she is the one who recieved Betty and Juggie) takes Betty away And boom!!! Alice is there, the witch practically drags Betty to a corridor and says she paid the institution to inform her every time Polly got a visitor, Betty is having none of THIS shit And confronts her about not telling Polly about Jason, and then they run into Polly (I guess she was being taken back to her room) And Polly is crying And screaming at Alice for not telling her and they drag her away from Betty, And Jughead tries to help but can't And OMG why must Betty suffer like THIS??? #protectBetty #my heart broke

•Then back at the Coopers, Betty is being confronted by her patents who try to gaslight the shit out of her (why are you So awful???) of course Betty doesn't let them out the hook And asks her dad if he broke into Sheriff Keller's home ( we know he totally did) he says he didn't, And Betty asks if he killed Jason her mother starts to laugh (she goes from suburban mom to the Joker in .5 seconds I swear) and says she wishes either of them had killed Jason (I mean I knew it wasn't them, but that's such a fucked up thing to say let alone in front of your daughter) #the Cooper parents are batshit crazy, of course Betty tries to make them see reason And the abusive shits say they are her parents and she must believe them just cuz they say so. #Imma fight them both tbh

So we get this elegant dinner at the Lodge's place, And Josie's asshole dad is there being pretentious as fuck, and I can't stand him (also Josie called Archie Yoko Ono and I cracked up xD) Fred presents his project but Mayor Mccoy says it's not up to her but she'll try to help him.

•Arch talks to Val about crazy dinner time, and of course about Josie's dad, Val says now she gets why Josie was So worked up about the show, Archie tells her to go back to the Pussycats cuz I guess now he is more confident of maybe he wants to stand on his own, And that's a good thing!!!! Cuz Val loves the Pussycats And Arch doesn't want to be Yoko #LMAO

•Ronnie is getting ready to go to the show but she decides to talk things with her mom like Josie suggested, unfortunately Hermione drops her the bomb that Hiram (aka dady dearest) gave her a sharing of his company before going to jail and she needs Ronnie to sign the papers to give Fred the job, Ronnie gets mad af And says she won't sign anything for her mom's lover, and what does Hermione do?? She FORGES her daughter's signature #fuck her tbh!!! #she is driving her daughter away with all her BS

•So apparently Betty is confined to her room, worry not cuz our brave Jughead (aka Romeo) climbs to her window and kills me with a single line ('hey there Juliet' *dead*) she smiles And OMG they are the cutest ship ever!!!! Anyway Betty is feeling pretty out of it because her parents are crazy And maybe Polly And she are too... Jughead tries to calm her down saying they are not their parents (THIS sounds So Romeo&Juliet to me!!!) And he stutters and its adorable And he gains courage And then HE KISSES HER (ahhhhhhh ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥❇🌟🌠✅✔✔✅✔🆒💯💯💯💯💯‼‼‼‼❗❕❗❕❗) And it's the cutest thing ever cuz one really gets to see that Juggie was waiting to do that for a long time (the lil' sigh he gives *dead again* And her smile!!!!! *couldn't be more dead*) now Betty starts talking about Jason's car (I know lots of people think she ruined the moment but consider this: before the kiss she was lost, she doubted herself and her parents and everything BUT after the kiss she regains focus and trust in herself and tbh I find this beautiful, I don't think they need big romantic declarations of love cause they know, they have such a Deep understanding with each other that words are not really necessary) And Juggie gets So amused at her (SAME Juggie) So they are back at the sleuthing bussines and go to check Jason's car.

•Now in the show Val talks with Josie And everything between them gets fixed (I LOVE girl friendship) And Kevin (OMG it's me or he looks like Corny Collins???) introduces them to the audience, they sing a modern cover of 'I feel LOVE' And we get a transition to Betty and Juggie finding the car, they see the back And find one of Jason's jacket And lots of drugs, And OMG they actually are going to go to the police (THIS is such an unusual thing for this kind of shows) but someone is watching them (God I hope nothing bad happens to them)

•Josie's asshole of a dad gets up and leaves before the Pussycats finish And Imma fucking gonna fight him cause my girl Josie is trying So hard not to cry in front of everyone #fuck your dad Josie #you are enough #you are talented And amazing.

•Now it's Archie's turn And he is still terrified, but Ronnie (bless her forgiving heart) gives him the support he needs to go on stage and actually sing, And OMG THIS is straight outta High School Musical cuz after the show every one is cheering on him and wow just crazy.

•But before the show ends Betty and Jughead arrive (like two adorable drenched puppies) with Sheriff Keller And tell him what they found, And OMG for a moment Betty hears Archie's voice through the speaker but she decides to go after Juggie and Sheriff Keller (my girl is already moving on!!! Good job at visual representation writers!!)

•So Archie thanks Val for everything, and they KISS, OMG I really like them together but I'm not So sure Archie is ready to have a relationship, I mean he is So volatile, Idk, I liked the kiss And I hope he is not an ass to Val.

•So Hermione and Fred are huggin and Ronnie arrives being polite af (So classy) Fred gives her the good news (that he got the job) and of course Verónica immediatly knows what happened And leaves #well now you did it Hermione #I just wanna hug Ronnie tho

•The police + Bughead get at the car but it's on Fire!!! And the evidence is lost with it!!!! OMG why?????????????????? Then my babies go to Polly's institution only to find she escapes through the window (there was blood on the glass and I'm So damn worried for her)

And the episode ends there cause the writers of this show wanna keep me anxious over my children til next week!!!

...

And that's it I always have fun doing these maybe I'll try to make one for next week (if I'm not to dead by then) I would LOVE to hear your thoughts about it!!!

[annoyinglynuttywhispers]

A feelings

I feel that i was too caught up in your pain i caused to realize exactly what was happening.

The fact that i didnt let you leave because i was so set on mg beliefs was wrong, I admit that. but what you told me to do after that, not to worry about it, you actually double crossed me into it, [ “If you dont worry that’ll make me feel better” and then after i agreed, in hopes of making the situation better, You said “It wont really make me feel better”] Of course I heard that but i didnt say anything, in fear of making things worse.

One of many incidents why i dont trust you:

1. [Denying my love and Denying my effort]: and the next day was spent pondering on what to do and what would be the best for you. I said “maybe if i act like im fine, he actually would be happy”, No, I was wrong. You were miserable, playing that song “Heavy” By Linkin Park. I Listened closely and looked up the lyrics, and i went swirlying into a pile of guilt even worse than the first time. Youre not fucking slick. And then heres where tried to reach out but you “didnt think anything of it” and i was constantly talked to like i had no sense and that i was just being a bother when to me and i think to others as well that i was trying to reach out and help you. 2. [Everytime i just want to know if I did something wrong? or if i just want to know whats wrong or are you alright because i sense it, You gaslight me.] You get mad at me and shame me for asking you anything and make me feel extremely shitty. And you do this all the time because theyre is always somethings wrong (not saying you cant have problems but youre way of dealing with me when i am just genuinely concerned has made me falsefy my being)

3. You laugh at manipulation

4. I need to “take a joke”, if youve been listening, you should know anything about me is going to bother me, why do you think everytime you give me a compliment, im in disbelief?

I dont think you understand how deep this goes:

You told me who i was when i only just got to finding who i was. You told me i was a bad person and of course i believed you. Im not saying that i didnt do bad things.

When i think of it, this has striked fear and anxiety in the both of us. We can love eachother still, But i dont trust you and it doesnt seem like you trust me. I think we need some time away from eachother. Or maybe i just need to tell you this. At the same time, I want to practice having my own mind back,- but i dont want to lose you. the thing is with you, “I dont want to lose you” tbh, I dont think you’ll ever lose me. Youve hurt me many more times than i have told you about and its like each times you do, i love you even more. No matter how much it seems like you dont trust me, No matter how much you reject me, No matter how much you laugh at my discomfort, No matter how many times it seems like youre playing me by lying to me and yourself, I still put you first. I feel a bit taken advantage of. I feel taken for granted. and thats based on you saying “You dont want to lose me” “You love me the most”

But yet you make me feel so worthless at the same time

because another thing i dont really trust is that youre telling yourself the truth. Youre running away from the reality of being with me and that im bad for you, so what could be the chances of you lying to yourself about wanting me too?

but nonetheless “You feel fine”

so maybe im the one thats still hurting in the end.

i wonder if were at the same crossroads now leaving or not leaving we’ll just have to see

[crafted-response]

General venting.

Oh, I need that today so bear with me.

I think I am in darkest place ever. Yesterday I had a dream about serious self harm just to feel actual pain, to quiet my thoughts. I was unstable entire day and it only got worse.

And I did, what I thought will be the best thing to do - I asked for help, first R. who mostly ignored it. And then my friends, who wouldn't have possibility of help. I mean, from my perspective it wasn't big request. Just come over and be with me physically for a day so I can feel safe. And it was too much to ask. Seems like investing one day is too much. So yea, I stayed alone for the evening, I am alone today and probably will be alone in coming days. I am clutching to the thought of D&D session which will take place next Sunday. That's 7 days from now on. But you must know, I was very close to giving up yesterday.

Of course, my unprocessed feelings for A. didn't help, as he tried to at least talk to me and ended up telling me he doesn't want to be attendant ever again. And I can understand that, I don't want to be anyone's burden ever again. But it shot too close to what R. said earlier this week.

Ah, yes! That. Imagine being me, depressed for few weeks now, living on edge, and entire home decides to have a party without me behind closed doors. I was like 'Okay, they don't want me there' so I didn't go there to check up what's up and possibly ruin their fun with my presence. Yay for being alone again! But then I heard noises like from adult movies and then some screams? And I went to check, because you know, what the actual fuck? And what was my surprise to see everyone practically naked! And R. didn't see any problem with that. I wasn't angry like this for months. Then, after few hours R. finally came, but just because I almost dragged him to me. We had an unpleasant conversation in which I learned what follows:

- nothing happened! If something was to happen R. would come and ask me if I'm okay with this. (I don't think I believe it because of sounds and then what I saw)

- he's sick of me because I never appreciate what he does for me and supposedly its everything. (fucking lie and gaslighting at its finest)

- I am ungrateful and demanding because I am severely depressed and he took care of me for months. (that one is partially true, I am depressed for months and I allowed myself to acknowledge and embrace that because of R.'s promises to take care of me, who gives a shit I told him that it will be a very long process)

I could've ended that relationship there. But I made a decision not to. Not because I see point in going on with this. But because I am not the one to give up, I don't want to give up. If R. wants to end it? He will have to do it himself. I did everything for him for years. Made decisions bad for me to make him feel happy. I changed my entire life and sacrisifed my friendships just for him to feel secure. Yes, he never asked me to do it. But if I didn't, I know what would happen. In the end, we decided to get the whole thing on hold and wait. R. thinks that maybe such pause will show us what we take for granted and so on. Fucking bullshit. He just wants to devote himself to his precious M. and is a fucking coward. I know he probably keeps me around because let's face it - no one would want to move in here. And with my move out they'd have to pay additional costs. I'll keep on observing the situation. If I decide that no one gives a shit about me here I'll arrange my return to hometown. I prefer my abusive mother tbh: at least she cares. But yes, it's like exchanging bad for bad. Well, R. had shitton of chances, failed them and blamed mostly me. My mom, for comparison, just wants my happiness and stability... Obsessively.

So yea. A.'s words hit me harder than expected, R. is a fucking cruel dickhead, my friends don't want to help me because of reasons. So I'm stuck in my room. Alone again. Without that comforting knowledge of significant other being there to help me to take care of myself. Because, regardless of what R. or anyone thinks: I can take care of myself, I just have to sacrifice stuff for that. Currently my life looks like this:

Bath vs. Food

Sleep vs. Hobbies

Cleaning up duties vs any of above.

I am literally microing my entire life and it's exhausting. But don't worry, I know that scratching in the back of my head. It's a change.

Change is coming.