#tbh i haven't really changed much since May

[vampirealpaca]

[h8ani]

Sasuke Uchiha x Reader

Word Count - 4k

Warnings - smut, angry sex, public sex, fear of getting caught, hair pulling, angst, slight paranoia, kinda non-canon structures (its been a long time since i watched naruto tbh so disregard the village not being exactly how the anime is), oral - male receiving, face fucking, gagging, degradation, penetrative sex, fem!reader, choking, reader is described to be wearing a dress in this chapter, there’s a voyeur

A/N - Just a reminder that if you have joined my taglist and change your username please let me know! If you haven't joined I put the link down below :) But holy hell you guys I can't believe I actually finished this after almost 5 months in my drafts, but I hope you enjoy it!

taglist! - @bloodsiren @blackfire2013 @benkeibear @suyacho @kodzukein

join my taglist → here

Part One → Part Two → Part Three → Part Four

It’s been a few days since the last time Sasuke was over. You’re used to the silence in between his visits; it’s become second nature to go days, even weeks, without seeing him, and the radio silence between each time he visits has become more common than the last. 

It doesn’t bother you. It does. You could really care less. Sasuke has been the only thing that’s been on your mind. You absolutely hate him. You feel…conflicted.

~~

Limbs tangled with one another, all you could hear were the heavy breaths that escaped both of your lips, your body rising and falling every time Sasuke took in a deep breath as you laid on top of him, his hands dancing along the skin of your back so featherlight it almost tickled. 

Neither of you had uttered a word, just basking in the feeling of touching the other’s skin; the warmth radiating off each other’s body heat brought a sense of familiarity that you couldn’t quite pinpoint just why you felt most comfortable in his arms. You mentally shook the thought away; there was no need to focus on that. Your mind had already cleared up from the sex fog he had put you under and had started to race with a million different things that you wanted to bring up to him. Why did he do what he did? When was he going to leave again? He’s going to leave right away, don’t be stupid. When were you going to see him again? Why did he leave in the first place? You wanted to bring up so much, but you couldn’t brush off this feeling that something was about to happen, as if the rainstorm you were caught up in earlier today was a warning of a disaster brewing and about to happen. 

“What’s wrong,” Sasuke spoke up, his words sounding more like a statement than a question. His eyes were trained on you, making your stomach involuntarily tighten with their intensity. He had been focusing on the multitude of expressions that had graced your face within the last minute; you were completely oblivious to his stare; somehow, he wanted to blame the sex for your lack of inattentiveness and not the fact that you may feel safe around him, no it couldn’t be that. Being distracted has nothing to do with him and everything to do with you being incompetent. Yeah, that’s it.  

Your eyes met his, and before he knew it, your eyes lit up, a small smile appeared, and a simple shake of the head erased any form of contemplation he had previously seen. “Nothing.” You quickly say, “Just thinking.” Bullshit

“About what?” He interjects, his hands that were once dancing lightly across your back were now holding your hips, gripping ever so slightly. 

“Just thinking, random thoughts, it doesn’t matter.” 

“If it doesn’t matter, then you can tell me.”

Huffing a sigh, you stare back at him, his emotionless pools of black not letting you get a read on him, yours: uncertainty. “You won’t answer me even if I ask.”

He raises and sits up, causing you to reposition yourself in an upright position as well; your eyes stay trained on him as his stare hardens, almost as if what you just said offended him somehow. His eyes glance into yours as if he needs to be wary now. “I’m not answering anything about why I’m back in the village or why I left.” He blurts out quickly, a scoff following soon after. “You know you can’t say anything about seeing me. Don’t go blabbing about it to any of your little friends, or I won’t be coming back.” His stare solidifies as your jaw drops ever so slightly; the hardened look he’s giving you makes your chest tighten, and your body rises in temperature. 

Sasuke sees your expression fall ever so slightly before you catch yourself and, in turn, sends the signature scowl he’s grown accustomed to back in his direction. Your eyes narrow while you sit up straighter, the discarded sheet on the bed now pulled tightly to your chest, and he curses at the way that made his stomach clench. He doesn’t care if you’re mad at him, but he can’t lie and say he didn’t want to ruin your two’s good momentum today. The sex was great, and he wanted to leave on what would be considered a good note for the both of you.

“I think you should go,” you say simply. You avert your glare and decide to stare at the wall instead, avoiding his eyes. “You know where the door is.” Ouch.

He rubs his face and sighs. “Look, you don’t get-”

“I don’t care, Sasuke. Like I said, it didn’t matter. So why don’t you just leave? I never saw you, and I’m not going to tell any of my “little friends.” 

You sigh and throw the blankets off you, quickly grabbing your clothes and slamming your bathroom door shut. 

Your throat tightened from the moment you got up, wanting to get away from him from the very moment he opened his stupid mouth. You take a slow, deep breath and let it out; the tightness in your throat drops to your stomach. Why would he even snap like that? What gives him the right to think he could speak like that to you? You miff another sigh out as the conflict in you bubbles up even more with the thoughts running rampant. How stupid could you be for thinking he actually could’ve been somewhat of a nice human being after today?

Your thoughts were quickly silenced by the sound of your front door opening and closing, the door shutting louder than necessary. Fucking asshole.

~~

You shake your head to rid yourself of your thoughts as you look at yourself in the mirror, you fix your hair and check over your outfit in the mirror, quickly doing a little 360 in your mirror. Everyone had decided that tonight was a good night to hang out and have some drinks as no one had any missions for tomorrow, so there was no need to worry about any impending hangovers. 

You changed into a nice dress that fell mid-thigh; it was form-fitting and casual enough that you didn’t overdress or underdress with it. You pulled your hair into a high ponytail and just enough makeup to cover any eye bags that were more prominent than usual, no less from your sleepless nights thinking about he-who-shall-not-be-named-or-thought-of. You looked yourself over in the mirror and smiled. You felt pretty tonight, and it was nice not constantly to be in work mode for once.

The stressors from work and the expectations you always got from everyone took a toll on your body more than you would have liked. You were expected to never make any mistakes and always be three steps ahead, and it was simply a lot. Was it fair? Probably not, but it was also what you got for being a perfectionist at such a young age. You gave everyone expectations where you could only rise instead of fall. If you fell, everyone would know, and you just couldn’t have that. 

You leave your apartment and make your way down to meet your friends. The air had a slight chill to it as the sun was finally setting, but something along with the chill was bothering you. You couldn’t brush off the feeling that someone was watching you. 

Your feet skid to a halt as you spin, eyes cascading along the rooftops of the buildings around you. Your breathing picks up as your heart begins beating, and you feel every thump as your anxiety spikes. You internally curse yourself for being so stupid as not to even bring a single shuriken with you. For god’s sake, you could’ve popped one in your purse just for safekeeping. The anxiety you feel is derived from being paranoid, and you have to remind yourself no one is watching you and that it’s just your own mind playing tricks on you. You take a deep breath as you hear a name call out to you; turning back around, you see Shikamaru and Choji waving you over. You speed walk over to them, swallowing down the feeling of someone’s eyes on you. Was Sasuke here again? You wouldn’t expect him to be over so soon after the fight you two had just days ago. He’s never over this soon after he leaves anyway. Usually, it takes weeks for him to come over, sometimes even months. Although his eyes being the ones you’ve felt had to have been it, there’s no other explanation.

~~

The buzz of the alcohol was finally settling in; once you got inside, you decided you needed a tiny little shot to calm your nerves and anxieties, then another once all your friends arrived and wanted to take a group shot, and now here you are ordering your third. You’re a lightweight, no shock about that, and feeling a bit dazed as you stare at the shot of alcohol sitting in front of you. You’re so zoned out, not even realizing the presence of someone taking the seat next to you at the bar table.

“You look nice tonight.” A familiar voice catches your ear, and you turn, seeing Shikamaru next to you. A sudden rush of heat hits you as you stare back at him. “Oh, T-Thank you.” You stutter out and mentally smack yourself. You divert your attention back to your shot glass, suddenly remembering how intriguing it was just two seconds ago. 

Suddenly, hearing the sound of glass scraping against the bar table, you look up and see a similar shot in Shikamaru’s hand. “Cheers?” He holds up his shot glass, waiting for you to do the same. A small chuckle leaves you as you hold yours up and clink your glass with his. “Cheers.” 

You knock back the shot, grimacing over the familiar burn down your throat and the fuzzy feeling deep in your stomach. You sigh and slump back against your seat as you look at Shikamaru. “You look nice too, I think I forgot to compliment you back.” 

He chuckles, “Thanks, I didn’t really know what to wear. I wanted to come in sweats and a hoodie, but Ino just about had a conniption when I mentioned that.”

“Oh, don’t lie, you didn’t even want to come to this.”

“And you did?”

“Well, you got me there, didn’t you?” 

Laughter fills the air around you two as you continue to talk about past missions, the latest drama you’ve heard around the village, and even as mundane as the midnight snacks you two have had, you were actually…enjoying yourself; the thought of Sasuke had been dissipated like the rain that had come and gone from the prior days. Listening to Shikamaru talk was something you found yourself rather enjoying. Still, maybe that’s just the alcohol in your veins talking. Yeah, that was definitely it. “So, what’s new with you?” Shikamaru asks, his eyes finding yours, and the sudden tightness is once again back, whether that being because the only thing that seems to be ‘new’ in your life was Sasuke and every little defiling and obscene moment between you two replayed again in your head or because you actually might be liking the attention Shikamaru is giving you the world will never know. 

“Ah, you know. Lots of training, lots of missions, lots of-”

“Staying in your apartment all day and night?”

You quirk an eyebrow up at him, lips slowly following suit. “Shikamaru Nara, are you stalking me?” An indiscernible giggle leaves your lips, which shocks not only you but also him. You can see the pink rising to his cheeks at your minor faux accusation; his eyes widen, and his hands immediately come up to defend himself. “No, I just hear Ino constantly nagging at me to hang out with her, that’s how I know. I don’t stand out of your window or anything like that. Do you know how much time and energy that takes? Do you know-”

“Shikamaru?” 

“What?”

“I was joking.”

“Oh.”

“You know, for someone with an IQ higher than a tree, you’re kinda dumb.”

“You know what…Shut up.”

~~

The air around you as you step outside drops a few degrees, causing you to shiver despite the multiple shots you had earlier. Glancing around, you notice how barren the pathways are and how barren the town seems. You glance back over your shoulder to see that Shikamaru is already on his way with his teammates, all drunk themselves, as you see them stumbling against each other. 

Your apartment isn’t far from where you are, so you, in turn, make your way down the path. Bad idea. The more you walk, the more you regret that last shot you took and every single life choice you seem to have made tonight because the line you had been walking in had slowly turned into a wave, making you plant your hand on the building beside you. “Just a little more, and I’m almost home.” You blow out a sigh before taking another step forward. Looking up, your body freezes as you see a rock fly past you and fall to the floor to your right. Your senses come to realize that someone is near as you stare at the rock. The alcohol has slowed your reflexes because you’re yanked backward, a scream bubbling up in your throat. Still, before you can release it, a hand is clasped over your mouth, and you get dragged in between the two buildings down the small alleyway.

You begin kicking back and screaming into the hand, fighting as you’re dragged back further into the small space between the two buildings, your front pressed against the wall and the chills finding their way back up your spine once you hear his voice. “How stupid could you be?” His voice is loud in your ear, hand still firm against your mouth, not allowing you to utter a word. “Walking home drunk is one thing, but what the fuck are you wearing?” He seethes. Your dress is already riding up higher on your thighs, just below your ass, due to being pressed between the wall and the man himself. It took all of one big gust of wind to blow it up or one perverted old man to ‘drop’ something of his to catch a look up your dress. The anger that welled up in his chest was undeniable as he pushed off of you and spun you around to slam you harder into the wall itself. Your eyes caught him scanning over you; his already dark eyes seemed even darker tonight. The dress you wore hugged every inch of you perfectly, and it drove him madder seeing it hiked up higher than intended, all thanks to him. One more inch, and he could see the little lace thong he knew you were wearing. He finds your eyes and tsks at the dumbfounded look you gave him; just how stupid were you? 

“Sasuke-”

“Shut up and get on your knees.” He cuts you off, hands gripping your arms and tugging you down until you plop down on your knees. The dirt underneath you digs uncomfortably into your skin. You look up, pupils dilated as you stare up at the ravenette. “Unless you want us to be caught, I suggest you not utter a single noise.” Without warning, Sasuke pushes two fingers past your lips and into your mouth, pumping the digits like they were his cock until they were soaked with your own spit. “I suggest you act right, given your circumstances.” He speaks, and your eyes narrow up at him; the urge to clamp your teeth on his fingers threatens to come to fruition, but you can’t ignore the subtle throb in between your legs. “Suck.” He says while pushing his fingers deeper and tugging his pants down with his other hand, pulling down the material along with his underwear, allowing his cock to spring out. You could feel yourself salivate just looking at him, wanting to trade his fingers for his cock against your better judgment. He presses his fingers down harder against your tongue, causing you to gag and choke on saliva; you can hear the snicker that comes from him as he watches you trying to quieten your coughing spout. 

His hand threads into your hair, messing up your almost perfect ponytail, the grip burning your scalp as he pulls you forward, knees dragging against the ground while the tip of his cock presses against your wet lips, his precum smearing across them in an almost erotic way that Sasuke doesn’t think he could last by just looking at you. 

You drop your jaw open while he pushes his cock past your lips, enveloping himself in the warmth that is your mouth. The grip on your hair grants you nothing but pain as his hips begin to move to their own rhythm, his cock hitting farther back than the last thrust. You try your best to breathe through your nose as he fucks your face to his liking; maybe if your mind weren’t so focused on Sasuke being here, cock down your throat and his eyes watching you so meticulously, you’d have the nerve to push back, make him slow down, maybe even explain why he knew you were out with your friends in the first place and not at home. 

Tugging you even tighter, Sasuke pushes your head until your nose is brushing against his stomach; your throat tightens as he effectively pushes each inch into your throat. “You feel me? Do you think that Shikamaru could ever stretch your throat out like I do? He might as well try something with you seeing how fucking drunk you were tonight.” His hips rock forward until his dick hits further back into your throat. You choke around him, drool effectually spilling past your lips and down your chin. 

Eyes squeezing shut, you sputter another cough, which turns into a gag around his length. A disapproving noise is heard from him as he pulls away, allowing you to take in deep breaths. As you open your eyes, you see him crouched down in front of you, a look one can only describe as displeasure. “How stupid could you be?” he says, slightly shaking his head before he speaks again. You’re supposed to be better than them.” 

“Better than-”

Crack!

“Naruto! You idiot!” You gasp as you hear the rest of your friends walking down and getting closer to the alleyway you were in. They must’ve just now left the bar you all were at; this isn’t good; you need to leave; they can’t see you like this. You pull farther away from Sasuke as you see them pass the opening between the two buildings, all of them stumbling and unknowingly passing you as they walk. 

Another tsk leaves his mouth as he shoves you forward; you catch yourself on your hands while grimacing at the sting that travels through the skin of your knees. You feel his hands positioning himself behind you, all while pushing your dress up to your hips and pulling your thong to the side. Suddenly feeling every bit of alcohol drain from your system, you become hyper-aware of what is really happening; you jolt forward, and before you can spin around to ask him what he thinks he’s doing, you’re yanked back by your hair, back arching to the point where you’re staring straight into his eyes. “Make sure to be quiet, or else everyone is going to see how much you love taking my cock.” A deep chuckle vibrates through him. “What would they think when seeing you on all fours in an alley? Perfect little (y/n) crying from how good my cock makes her feel; how would you ever live that down? You think Shikamaru would ever give you the slightest bit of attention after that?” 

Letting go of your hair, a knee between your thighs pushed them further apart while you balanced yourself on your hands. The itching feeling that someone could see or be watching from a distance burns brighter than the pain in your knees. The swollen tip of his cock prods your already glistening entrance; you bite down on your lip to stop any form of a whine from slipping out. You swallow down the nerves as his hand leaves your hair to slip around your throat; the silent plea that he wouldn’t make this difficult left the moment his hips slammed into yours, his hand tightening on your throat, restraining the scream that threatened to bubble out. He gave you no time to adjust, his hand leaving your throat and falling to your waist, fingers digging into your flesh so tight as he slammed into you that you knew bruises would be there by morning. 

You can’t help but glance up, fearing that any of your friends could leave the bar at any time and pass by, seeing you in the most compromising position you feel like you’ve been in. The subtle feeling that there’s a pair of eyes on the two of you grows larger while you scan around. No one has passed by the entrance, and this feeling could only be explained by you being scared of getting caught. 

Sasuke’s breathy grunts found your ears, and a pang of alarm shot right through you as he was the one making noise. The subtle sound of skin slapping skin makes you even more fearful. The coil in your stomach is already winding tight; the quieter you have to become, the more your pussy grips him. You clench around him, pussy squeezing for dear life. Your nails dig into the ground beneath you, knuckles turning white. 

“Oh, God…” You pant, dropping your head down between your shoulders. The sounds of everyone’s voices can be heard in the distance, and you try desperately to focus on anything other than the impending orgasm that’s slowly building up. 

Sasuke shifts, bringing his hand in between your legs and fingers quickly to find your clit, rubbing quick little circles. You bite down hard on your lip, the silvery taste of metallic dancing on your tongue from allowing the moan that threatened to escape. No, You won’t give him the satisfaction of making you cum, especially this fast. You grab his hand to stop his fingers and feel his hand that was once placed on your waist slide across your skin and reach back up to your throat, drawing your back flush to his chest, knees digging deeper into the gravel on the ground and seemingly reaching deeper within you, a desperate whine left your lips as your eyes faintly rolled back. “Stop me from making you cum, and I swear to god, you’re going to regret it.” He growls while tightening his grip on your throat and bringing his other hand back to your clit. His hips snapped into you even deeper while he assaulted your clit. You struggle to gasp as the coil in you snaps; your body shakes as you lean back into him more, pushing him even deeper that you swear you see stars. You spasmed as you dug your nails into the hand that held your throat while he continued to pound into you. 

He was chasing his own release, and the way he felt like you two would be caught at any moment spurred him on even more. He knew tonight was a lot, even on his standards of fucking you, but the way your pussy was fluttering around him, the deeper he got, and the rougher he became, he couldn’t stop. Your walls clenched around him, climax dragging out as your pleasure was heightened as he fucked into you; your name tumbled off of his lips before he bit into your shoulder, muffling the sinful moan he released as he came. You both fell forward, barely catching yourselves before hitting the ground, with heavy breaths syncing with one another while you catch your wit on what you two just did. 

The feeling of someone watching you never did go away. 

The angry pair of eyes attached to the redhead at the back end of the alleyway never left you two, either. 

network: @enchantedforest-network

[tsuutarr]

Rate your children (ocs)

Who is the favorite? The first born? The problematic fave? The one you honestly don't give enough attention? The one you would hate if they weren't yours? The one you would go ape shit if anything happened to them? The most popular?

This is legit SUCH a hard question TT I love all my characters................

I don't think I have a favorite, but I have a soft spot for Cot since he was one of my first OCs (he wasn't a yandere back then lol)!

Plus Cot is super cute + fun to draw imo :3c

I also adore Aizono for similar reasons! He was a really old OC of mine that came about because I was like... what if the Love God was pining after a mortal?

2. The problematic fave... I mean, they're yanderes so I feel like they're all kind of problematic LOL Ig from my yanderes though, Tynan is probably the most problematic bc he's completely aware of how awful his actions are, he just doesn't care.

He's a man of his own desires, even if he loves Darling haha

3. I feel like I don't give enough attention to a lot of my OCs tbh TT I'm just one measly living organism with way too many OCs lol + I actually have a LOT of OCs I haven't even shared yet!! I love designing characters + writing different prompts so I just end up w a lot of stuff I think.

I do want to revisit my Vampire MILF and DILF though!

(I just think they're hot + I want to be pampered!!!!)

4. As for the one I would hate if they weren't mine... I can't really think about it rn! I feel like all my OCs appeal to me in some way for now... who knows, though? Maybe I'll make an OC I heavily dislike in the future LOL

5. In regards to who I'd go ape shit for if they were hurt... I don't really know, honestly. Maybe any of my human OCs? Most of my non-human/monster OCs can handle themselves just fine, but my human ones are (1) a weak guy who's obsessed with you, (2) a sickly guy who's obsessed with you, and (3) a rich crossdresser who's obsessed with you. None of them are strong tbh so they're much more likely to be hurt LOL

Like, no offense to Sammy, the weak guy who's obsessed with you, but he's kind of pathetic LOL

6. I think the most popular OC I have is either Mulsu or Mason!

I feel like all of my OCs get attention though, so I'm super grateful for it <3

Wow, this post got super long, but it was fun to do!! I'm super indecisive so the answers may change in the future but for now, I think these are accurate haha

(Yeah... when I post more OCs, the answers will def change haha)

Tysm for reading!! <3

[celestie0]

hi my friends! hope you're all doing well. just wanted to come on here and share a little updates w you guys (if you're still here lol)

i guess it's been like a month n a half since i formally went on hiatus, and it's been nice! i got kinda sick for a little bit lmfaooo which was tough to manage w school, but i'm better now

although i took time away from my blog, i still delved in writing here n there. i haven't written anything for kickoff since tbh i'm in such a slump w it. but i still have big plans for stuff that happens after ch13, so hopefully i can just push through this next chapter and get to a better place. thanks so much to anyone that is still interested in the story, it means a lot to me. i know i'm so slow w updates and the story has been going on for almost a year now, but the continued support is so sweet! even though i didn't work on writing it these past one n a half months, i still really love it and plan to finish it.

i'm not sure if many people remember that i had this sort of "apocalypse" gojo x reader au about an asteroid being set to hit the earth in three days, and reader n gojo are ex lovers n the impending end of the world makes them break no-contact...yeah i finished writing the first chapter for it and i really love it so far! it's like set in new york which is really fun haha i love stories where new york is kind of its own "character" if that makes sense...it will definitely be a limited series w only 4 chapters or so, but i kinda wanna finish all 4 chapters before i start posting it bc i don't want it to be a drawn out series in terms of posting since i think it'd be best enjoyed in frequent succession if that makes sense

as for ihm, i think i wrote the most for ihm during my hiatus. i finished three chapters for it, but they are shorter chapters (around 3-4k words). i kinda realized one of my biggest reasons for burnout w my fics were the reaaaaallly long chapters...like didn't i have a 22k chapter for kickoff or sumn lol. idk i can't remember. but anyways, yeah the mindset behind the longer chapters was bc i liked each chapter to kinda have its own conflict, build up, tension then resolution in a sense. but it was exhausting to write that way tbh lol. so i think moving forward, for ihm, i will have shorter chapters. i just don't wanna think to much about things anymore, and write from my heart, bc i have a lot of things planned for ihm, and among the criticism i've received for my writing choices vs my own vision for the story, i've realized during my hiatus that the only way i can finish ihm, or any of my storeis for that matter, is if i just.........stop giving a fuck about it. lol idk if that sounds strange to say, but like, i don't want to over-edit anything. i don't want to think too much about redundancy. i don't want to flower things up or cut stuff out. i'm at the point where imma just write a first draft, check for grammarly errors, and then post it. i guess the reason i'm sharing this is because idk if this means that people may enjoy my writing less since i will admittedly be spending much less time on it than i did before, but tbh i realized i find the most joy while i'm writing, and not while i'm editing. so i want to spend as little time on the latter as possible, and if that changes the quality of my work, then so be it.

anyways, hmm as for hiatus. i guess i'm off hiatus now? i really enjoyed being off of tumblr tbh this app has a lot of questionable content at times (esp in jjk community) and it also did wonders for my studying bc i wasn't spending time doomscrolling or shit posting anymore lmfaooo. but as for writing in particular, i think i will start to post ihm again exclusively. i can't say anything about kickoff or my other projects, but i feel comfortable to start posting ihm again.

sorry, i know that i have kept my replies and ask box off for a long time. but i will open them again once i start posting chapters because i really miss interacting with you guys.

anywho, these are my updates lol i'm like not sure how many of my readers are still here or which ones have moved on but that's ok, i'm grateful to anyone n everyone. hope to see you all soon again!

[mirrorcatcreditcard]

ALNST analysis about Luka's "Drowing Bloom" Patreon post and his page

The following analysis is formulated in response to this query from a mutual of mine. The post states as follows:

I just read the new, free Patreon post and. huh. what do you mean "LUKA has never felt insecure in his life" lmao. isn't it official information that he used to have low self-esteem? how does "had low self-esteem" and "has never felt insecure in his life" go together. unless it's another definition of "insecure" that's being used here? I'm somewhat confused but also that's a funny sentence tbh

I'm here to talk about that, though I'll mainly be dissecting the new Patreon content.

The following content will contain discussions of Luka, Hyuna, Hyun Woo, HyunLuka, child abuse, unconventionally/potentially uncomfortable love and relationship, bullying, and social isolation.

To begin this discussion, I will clarify any doubts that may be had about the exact wording. (I haven't been able to find any translation analysis/translators who can clarify because Patreon posts are already translated, so you'll have to excuse my limited capabilities.)

In the post, Luka's "insecure" mentioned above is related to the word "uneasy" of the first sentence; but when I put it through a translator to get each word separately, they were all spelled differently while having mostly similar/related characters. The words originally came out as "unstable" when the sentences were together. When I translated them on their own, I obtained three different results.

불안합니다 "He is anxious/I am anxious."

것입니다 "feeling anxious"

불안하다는 "I feel anxious"

After wasting about an hour and writing an unnecessary amount of analysis I ended up scrapping, I come to the conclusion that they are all synonymous and simply changed for grammar reasons or clarity.

(If you care, here's a list of English equivalents for the different groupings: uneasy, anxious, insecure, unstable, nervousness, trepidation. Someone who knows Korean can correct me if I'm wrong about anything.)

Next in line, I will analyze the overall picture of Hyuna and Luka's relationship through the years. (Read also, we finally get HyunLuka analysis through the flowers + Hyun Woo mentions.)

Hyuna and Luka were intimately close as children. With the addition of Hyun Woo, the three are almost always depicted together, like inseparable friends. Hyuna consistently allowed Luka to engage in behaviors other humans saw as off-putting or disgusting around her. Lacking expressions and engagement in interaction, disregarding others' presence and emotions to the point of being physically hurtful, and constantly sucking on or biting objects and Hyuna herself—she accepted it all and even showed that she did not consider it queer/unnatural. Luka repeatedly expressed his "love" for her as possession and desires for control. He has been conditioned to believe that care/love is obsession and obedience. He is not able to force the girl he loves (physically and mentally) but wants her near him and subordinate to him so she can never have to worry again and he can control everything around her. This is in direct relation to the fact that he has no worries for his future because his path had already been set out for him since the concept of "Luka" existed.

But don't forget Hyuna's side of this relationship. Hyuna, who originally had her precious brother with her and led both Hyun Woo and Luka in playing together. Hyuna loved Luka so much that she would let him do anything he wanted, really. One of her canonical regrets is how permissive she allowed herself to be with him. People think that Hyuna doesn't love Luka anymore or simply cut it all off when her brother died. That's simply not true. The fandom has labeled them as "tragic heteros," and I think that's a fitting title. They're beautiful opposites. From the start, Hyuna has always been seen as the extroversion to Luka's introversion. She jumps into situations, and he follows.

Luka's love is insecure (translated flower-wise as anxious) because of their past and conflicting ideals. It says in the Patreon post that "LUKA thought the whole time he was away from HYUNA. About what he should have done, and how on earth he could be more connected to his loved ones than blood." I'd like to point out that loved ones is plural. Luka has loved more than just Hyuna in his life. And the loved ones he had either had someone who was blood related who he felt was closer than him (jealousy) or shedding blood seemed like the only way to have those people close to him (obsessive behavior).

Hyuna loves so strongly that the flower used means that her love is "without measure." Hyuna doesn't look back yet still holds affection and care inside, locked away because addressing the love means addressing the trauma. Her "love" also connects to the revolution and freedom. She has an emptiness inside of her, and she makes the steps to fill it with her own two hands. She will not drown in grief and let the two ones she loved most being removed from her life make her stop reaching out for her love of freedom. She was a girl with no idea what she was doing when she escaped, but she has grown into a woman who is determined to live her life for herself.

The contrast and similarity is striking.

Luka's description makes him sound weak, the image of lying down and feeling water flow over your hand comes to me. The acceptance and surety of fate and letting life be is the behavior I struggle to find a word for that isn't complacency. He feels inactive, only pondering how he could have changed things but never doing anything.

Hyuna's description sounds desperate and bold. We know from "All-In" that she still gets vivid flashbacks even when soaked in noise and distractions. She is a person who works impulsively and passionately, putting her whole heart into something. Littered with regrets—she has to push on to survive.

Yet, these two are so similar.

They held the love inside of them deep down, never speaking of it aloud except in the only ways that they know how to show themselves—song. Their flowers are both colorful because of their individual beauties that they show in their own way. It is Hyuna who was insinuated to have influenced Luka in seeing the stage as a place where he can be in control.

They are both empty due to loss, both coping by leaving the past behind and physically unaddressed (despite different mentalities behind the actions). While Hyuna doesn't look back and distracts herself, Luka wears a mask and deludes himself, and they both pretend the world is going to work out the way they need because they are in control in their own minds. They're simultaneously trapped in their ideologies, and this conflict is the reason they are the "tragic heteros" of the narrative.

Moving on, I will talk about the page whose image I will provide below. (ID in alt text, English only)

As much as I consider Herperu the lowest of low, I cannot discredit his words and say he knows nothing of Luka. He made it his personal mission to know every detail of his finest creation. Luka was tailor-made after all, with many fans theorizing that he was created in a lab/test tube-like container. While I cannot give you canon facts for something unstated, I can give you a handful of theories concerning why Heperu claims Luka has low self-esteem.

Luka may have had confidence issues from his ostracization in Anakt Garden. (He was ignored by his peers and, in an official comic, shown to be treated like he didn't exist/wasn't significant. Assuming this was normal behavior given to him in his days at Anakt Garden, there is good reason to believe that when Hyuna left/grew distanced after Hyun Woo's death, so did his only hold on interaction with a fellow human.)

Luka is conditioned to believe everything Heperu tells him unconditionally and holds onto the sentiment of how he will be no good if he isn't "talented enough" as well as his mandatory duty to be the god among men of idols. (He must always be in perfect shape in order to present himself. There can never be a flaw. His autonomy does not exist. He is a good for others to take from. He must be a model pet.)

Luka's only confidence came from his performance and acting, he had no real confidence in himself as a person, away from cameras, or off-stage. (He seems to have adopted Hyuna's philosophy of singing giving a person freedom to express how they are, seeing as he is more expressive on-stage and masks everywhere else.)

Herperu's words could be what is a common case of "assuming you know what a creature wants/is feeling from researching instead of asking directly." (Segyein see humans like humans see animals. If an animal shows certain behaviors, we consult resources in order to know how to view and approach the situation. If research told Heperu that Luka had low self-esteem, then he would believe that rather than ask his pet how he feels.)

Heperu could be gaslighting Luka into thinking he has low self-esteem or gaslighting the press into thinking Luka is "humble" or whatever.

I, personally, don't have full trust of segyein's descriptions of humans because it's obvious that they very rarely (if ever) ask the human how they're feeling or neglect to even do simple analysis of humanity. (Also, Heperu is incredibly selfish and manipulative, without a single thought or consideration being about Luka's comfort, happiness, or healthy living. Honestly, I hate that alien. I hope his dick-shaped head-body snaps in two.)

To wrap this analysis up, my conclusion is simple. It is up to a fan's interpretation to figure out whether they think Luka has low self-esteem, is in a constant state of surety, used to have low self-esteem and has now changed that state of mind, or exists as a mixture of multiple states in multiple areas. Canon's conflict stems from information we cannot fully be sure on, and the creators remark about the complexity of Luka's emotions and the inability for almost anyone. "We don't know if anyone will ever know LUKA's heart..." They admit that there is a limit and that he is a difficult creature to understand.

Extra: my personal theories

Personally, I believe that Luka has low self-esteem due to his view of himself as worthless without his trained skills and inferior to segyein by existence. I believe he has never been insecure because he has never tried to drift from the path that was paved for him. I believe he still knows that the love between him and Hyuna is insecure because of the instinct that the Patreon post mentions; it would be more accurate to use the synonyms "uneasy/unstable." He is stable/secure in his livelihood so long as he follows the life that he knows no alternative from; his relationship is unstable/insecure due to the trauma on Hyuna's end and his forceful nature; he had low self-esteem either from his peers' isolation or from Heperu's reminders that he is only worth something as long as Heperu deems it so.

Thanks for reading.

[mishtiikrishna]

play 20 questions with me!

except it's one sided and all about ✨me✨

1. hii! what do i call u?

call me mish (as my dear companion @foursixtwonineoh-pizzas-of-lego (evie 😘)) does or mishti.

2. how did u chance upon here and what do u do here everyday?

i came here for #drarry and #tomarry and #merthur fics and arts (they're so out of this world, man) stayed here for the people and my lovely moots and shitposts. left one time to focus on my studies and now i'm back. permanently. hopefully. everyday, i come here for shits and giggles and to interact with the lovely (bi/gay, i don't think none of my friends over here is straight) friends. lol

3. you mentioned #drarry. what fandoms are u in/interested in/know?

1. harry potter (have to admit that I've only seen the movies twice and read only POA and majorly fanfictions. u have no idea omg)

2. heartstopper (i've read the webtoon AND s1 in netflix s1, haven't got the time for the later seasons tbh)

3. sherlock holmes and adj (books and robert downey movies and bbc sherlock)

4. DC (some comics and some warner bros movies am not in deep as some of my dear friends 😭)

5. marvel (..through fanfictions and song edits ONLY)

6. bbc merlin (couldn't finish the whole show, but i do know the ending 😭)

7. mahabharat starplus (haven't seen the whole show but know and love enough)

8. anne with an e

4. fanfictions, you read. do you write in general?

yes! i do! they're all under this tag -> #mishti writes. hoping to write and update on here more, honestly. i write about a lot of stuff mostly independent but not on the level of writing fanfictions yet. i feel pity for myself tbh

5. what're your other creative outlets?

i sing, i can do digital calligraphy and art (not really good at the latter) and painting/colouring! i hope to start this journey too here actually.

6. do you read and write and all only in english? what're some other languages u know?

i enjoy reading and writing creative stuff in english only right now. i can write in hindi too if i tried really hard. i also know malayalam, tamil, kannada, sanskrit, french (duolingo lmao), html, markdown and python.

7. u know python? which level?

i learnt it for school for 2 years (years 11 & 12). i have created a wordle clone that works on NYTimes' wordle logic except pastel colouring and it works offline. planning to make it bigger, actually.

8. computer nerd huh? anyway how do i become friends with u if i want to?

wouldn't call myself a nerd lol. there's nothing much to do if u want to become friend tbh. the ask box is above this post and start a conversation with me, we'll take it from there ♥���

9. do u have any checklist for being ur friend that I should fulfill?

yes, actually. u must be:

[ ] happy talking to me

[ ] ready to tell when i'm doing something wrong

[ ] ready not to force me to do anything

[ ] ready for my countless apologies at any given time (yes i'm serious)

that's all, i think. i don't mind anyone here as long u check these out!

10. what's ur stance on the LGBTQIA+ community?

since almost all my friends here are either bi or gay or on the spectrum here, i really don't mind them. i support the community as long as i don't get hurt. i think i'm aroace myself but i really dunno, i must admit.

11. u keep reiterating 'friends'. may i ask who ur friends are on here? or would that be personal?

i don't mind u asking about my friends. in fact, i've made a friend list, here.

12. time for misc questions!! what's ur favourite thing to do in the rain?

it's been raining for a good few days at the time of writing this post, and my favourite thing to do is lie on my bed on scroll thru..Tumblr. embarassing i know. but that's what i have discovered as of now. but i know that'll change in like 3 days max 😭 i think it'll be sitting at my desk, the one in front of the window, listening to the rain and either sketching or ✨writing✨

13. what about drinks? hot drinks or cold drinks in autumn?

cold drinks throughout the year. even in winters yes. i have cold water everyday 😂

14. would you prefer looking after a toddler or a teenager for a week?

after having a sister, i would pick the baby. they can't talk back or be rude to me or anyone really. and no feelings will be hurt, so no fights 😍

15. cat or a dog person?

neither, i'm so sorry. i am allergic to both, i believe.

16. u mentioned u were a computer nerd before. what're some craziest things u've done related to it?

ok. so i have done quite a few things (you may choose to believe it or not, i don't mind either way!) which i used to think and still think is not that impressive:

jailbroke an iPhone 3g at the age of 12; exorcised macos x lion from a polycarbonate 2009 macbook and proceeded to install 15-20 linux distros at the ages of 14-15 (no arch linux, i just read the documentation and gave up); illegally (maybe) installed and ran windows 11 on a device that shouldn't have ran it from one sketchy youtube tutorial at 15; built wordle (mentioned above) from scratch with python and tkinter in 2 days (that's it lol)

17. how does ur music taste look like?

mainly electropop with epic instrumentals and the occasional sanskrit verse. i suppose.

18. what're ur likes and dislikes?

likes: computer, tech, math, chemistry, some parts of physics, cold stuff, digital stuff, art, fanfics, writing, pastel colours, rain, gold jewellery, fancy af hairstyles, cooking, pens (pentel 🩵), pencils, any sorta stationery, my sister and my family

dislikes: anon asks for help (not in a position, i'm sorry!), hot (as in temperature) stuff, wearing glasses (have been a glass wearer for the 11th year now), chores (to an extent 😂), and romance (i just don't understand it..doesn't matter if it's wlw or mlm or straight or whatever)

19. what're some numbers u love? do u believe in lucky numbers?

i love the number 7 for some reason. also 19th cuz 19th may is my birthday. and 2 and 5, idk why.

20. ask me in the reblogs if u've reached till here! u're obligated to, at this point lol.

[moviecritc]

dreamer ⋆ carlos sainz

pairing: carlos sainz x old friend!reader

summary: you leave the city searching a meaning to your life, founding an old friends instead

word count: 2K

warnings: carlos isn't a driver, just a really rich guy with hobbies

a/n: here's the first track of my bewitched department <33 i love reader and carlos so so much tbh

masterlist | wattpad | letterboxd

"I'm sick of all this, Natalie," Y/N declared, throwing her phone on the sofa. Her roommate diverted her gaze from the TV to her. "It's the fourth guy that ghosted me after I ask him out."

"Become a lesbian," said Natalie, turning her attention back to the movie.

Y/N let out a sigh. "I should. I'm tired of all men being assholes and manipulators."

She grimaced, thinking that maybe the problem wasn't men but her. She had studied Art History and had been the best in her class. Now, at 28, she was sharing an apartment and teaching preteens who called her 'ma'am.' Was she wasting her life?

"I need a change," she said to herself.

"The smell goes away with a shower, don't worry." Natalie looked at her, wrinkling her nose.

"No, damn it. A change in my routine," she explained. Nevertheless, she took a sniff at her armpit, regretting it. She'd shower later. "I need to get out of here."

She stood up, grabbed her phone, and headed to her room.

"Hey? And where are you going, if I may ask?" said Natalie, following her.

"Anywhere!" Y/N shrugged. She drank a glass of water and took out a couple of pieces of clothing. "I need to change the scenery as soon as possible, I'm stuck."

She pulled a small suitcase from her closet while her roommate rolled her eyes.

"Y/N, you can't just leave suddenly. Don't you have classes tomorrow?"

Y/N paused for a moment and then shrugged again. "I'll ask for the day off. The week, actually."

"The week!" exclaimed Natalie. Y/N was already looking at flights on her phone when Natalie covered her screen. "Y/N, you don't have the financial or mental stability for this!"

Y/N swatted Natalie's hand away to see her phone screen.

"Madrid is very cheap this time of year," she said, with a small smile.

"But you don't even speak Spanish!"

Y/N boarded a plane to Madrid with the idea of not talking to any men that week. This trip was for her, to reconnect with herself, the Y/N she had lost over the years.

She still didn't have a place to stay, but she would resolve that on the go. The journey from the airport to central Madrid was tedious; she didn't know how the metro worked and people ignored her like she was nothing. Frustrated, she sat in a café. She looked up things to do in Madrid on her phone, but soon the battery died, and she was sure she had forgotten her charger at the apartment.

She let out a long sigh and ran her hands over her face. As she opened her eyes, she heard a voice.

"Y/N?"

She looked up immediately, surprised that someone knew who she was in Madrid. When she met the gaze of the individual, she recognized him instantly.

"Carlos?"

She stood up immediately, greeting him. Was he a man? Yes but Carlos and she had gone to university together; they had been friends for several years. Probably best friends, though they never talked about it. He hadn't changed much; he looked older but in a positive way, with a more flattering haircut and surprisingly stronger.

"What are you doing here?" Carlos asked, leaning in for a short hug.

"On vacation," Y/N nodded. Running into him had instantly lifted her spirits.

"Damn, I haven't seen you in… six years?" Carlos tilted his head a bit.

"Since graduation, right?"

They both nodded; it had been quite a while. Long enough to realize they had lost contact too soon.

"I didn't expect to see you in Madrid," commented Carlos, with a smile.

"It was a last-minute decision," explained Y/N, wrinkling her nose a bit. She formed a smile. "I'm glad to see you, really. Do you want to sit for a bit?" she suggested, pointing to the empty chair.

"I'd love to," Carlos accepted the invitation immediately, sitting down.

A waiter approached, and Carlos ordered a coffee to accompany Y/N's.

"Well, tell me, what have you been up to all these years?" Carlos asked, crossing one leg.

Y/N told him a bit of everything, very sweetened. That she was teaching Geography and History at a public school, that her family was fine, and they reminisced about the time Carlos practically crashed her Christmas party because Carlos Sainz Senior was mad at him for his grades and that she was happy living in her city.

Carlos told her that he now worked at his father's company as an executive.

"Oh, I thought you’d be doing something related to what we studied," Y/N pressed her lips a bit, somewhat disappointed that Carlos hadn't continued doing what they both loved.

"I would have loved to… but there were very few job opportunities. And I didn't want to be a teacher, so I played it safe," admitted Carlos, shrugging a bit. For a moment, he thought Y/N would judge him for it, but her sweet and calm expression told him otherwise.

"Understandable not wanting to be a teacher," agreed Y/N, before sipping her coffee.

"Is it tough?" Carlos mimicked her, lifting his cup too.

Y/N shook her head a bit. "I'm sure there are worse things. But having a twelve-year-old try to cut your hair because his dad is bald is rather curious."

Carlos almost choked on his coffee from the sudden laughter. "Really?" He tried to stifle the laughter as best as he could, but Y/N was already glaring at him.

"No, no. It's not funny, it happens every damn day," she nodded vigorously. Carlos let out a laugh that ended up being contagious for Y/N too.

The conversation continued for the rest of the afternoon. It was like going back to university for a few hours, a time she missed a lot. When they decided to get up from the table, they had finished four coffees and at least one glass of wine. It was even starting to get cold outside.

"Shall I walk you to your hotel?" Carlos asked with a smirk.

Y/N grimaced, remembering she still hadn't sorted that out. She bit the inside of her cheek, embarrassed. "I haven't booked a hotel room yet."

"Oh," he pursed his lips and quickly said, "You can stay at my place, I have a spare room."

Y/N, hearing him speak, was already shaking her head. "No, no, no. I don't want to bother you."

Carlos clicked his tongue, looking away for a moment.

"How are you going to bother me? Come on, bring your suitcase. My car is parked nearby."

Y/N was intrigued by Carlos's initiative but kept shaking her head.

"Really, it's not necessary, Carlos," Y/N extended her arms a bit for Carlos to return her suitcase, but he even moved it away from her hands. "I'll manage."

She said that last part to ease him a bit, but it only sounded like she needed more help.

"Y/N, I'm not going to leave you out on the street," Carlos put his hands on his hips and she let out a sigh. "That's not very gentlemanly of me."

"You were never a gentleman, you idiot," noted Y/N. Carlos smiled, knowing that if Y/N started to insult you, she was about to agree with you. "Alright, but just for one night. Then I'll find a hotel."

"Whatever you say, cariño," Carlos smiled triumphantly, and Y/N tried to hide her smile while he put her suitcase in the trunk.

His apartment was huge, truly huge. A dream kitchen, a large living room, and definitely more than one spare room. As they entered, a beautiful brown and white dog greeted them, heading straight for Carlos's legs.

"And who is this?" said Y/N, petting his head a bit, enough for the animal to focus all its attention on her. He sniffed Y/N's shoes and licked the hems of her pants.

"His name is Piñón," said Carlos with a smile, surprised that Piñón hadn't started barking because of a stranger's presence. "I adopted him almost after we graduated."

Y/N crouched, petting Piñón's neck and behind his ears. "Hi, Piñón. You're so pretty."

"I'll show you the room," Carlos said.

Y/N got up, giving Piñon one last pet. "Thank you, really. I feel like an abandoned cat, but thank you."

They both chuckled softly.

"It's nothing," Carlos said as they went to the room.

Y/N left her suitcase in a corner and turned to Carlos. "Do you have a charger?"

She felt like she was taking advantage of him too much, even if it was just for a charger, she felt bad.

"Of course, here," Carlos handed her the charger, their hands touched for a millisecond. She tried so hard not to feel anything. He kept a flirty smile. "Are you hungry?"

"Well, yes," Y/N nodded. "But give me a few minutes and I'll help you cook."

Y/N took a couple of things out of her suitcase and went back to the kitchen to help Carlos. They quickly cooked some pasta with burrata. Y/N noticed how Carlos would get close to her or brush his hands against hers casually.

While cutting some tomatoes, the knife slipped from Carlos’s hand. "Shit!" Carlos looked at the cut and put his finger in his mouth, letting out several whimpers.

"Did you cut yourself?" Y/N went over to him, Carlos took his finger out of his mouth, showing her a small cut. Y/N pursed her lips, remembering how dramatic he could be. "It's nothing, Carlos. It's barely bleeding."

Y/N cradled his hand, gently caressing his fingers almost unconsciously. The room went silent, Carlos looked into her eyes, he adored that look. Y/N lifted her eyes, connecting them with Carlos’s. He leaned toward her, listening to her breathing and matching his to it.

"Can I kiss you?"

The question hung in the air. Y/N held her breath. This was the opposite of what she wanted. She blinked and slightly opened her mouth. To Carlos, it felt like an eternity.

"I'm sorry," Y/N said in a faint voice. She looked at him with pity and Carlos stepped back, feeling more embarrassed than ever. "It's just… it's not the right time. I'm in a bit of a strange phase and things aren't going well for me, I don't want to mess things up for you." Y/N fidgeted with her rings as she said it.

"I understand," Carlos said, nodding slowly. "I shouldn't have asked you that, it was out of place."

"No, I should have told you before," she contradicted, with a grimace.

"Don't worry," he said. "It's just that…," Carlos hesitated a bit. "In college I had a huge crush on you and seeing you again brought everything back."

Y/N blinked, absorbing those words. She had always wondered why Carlos barely dated any girls during their time in college, it never crossed her mind it could be because of her.

"You had a crush on me?"

"You didn't know?"

"No…"

"Damn, we spent so much time together,"

"Because we were friends! That's what friends do!"

They both laughed and Carlos leaned against the counter, crossing his arms.

"So, you're not having a good time?" he inquired, with a calm look.

Y/N lowered her gaze. "I'm trying to sort out my life."

"I understand," he bit the inside of his cheek. "Anyway, if once you sort out your life you feel like going on a date, I haven't changed my number."

That felt so good in Y/N's chest, as if her heart expanded a little. She laughed like a fool, taking a few steps back.

"I'm going to go to sleep,"

"You're not having dinner with me?" Carlos extended his arms, with a sad look.

"Maybe tomorrow," Y/N turned around and smiled over her shoulder before disappearing down the hallway.

taglist; @theseerbetweenus

[junesend]

This may be a hot take but I'd like to speak my peace

I don't ship Frodo and Sam. I really just can't see it.

*Just to be clear, you can ship whoever you want within the realm of reason, I just want to share my confusion on the conclusion a lot of people have gotten to since I can't personally find that perspective*

I haven't read Lotr yet, but so much of this shipping context is derived from the films so I think I'm safe to say that they (the actors and writing) don't at all act with romantic subtext.

Throughout all of the films Frodo and Sam's relationship is very much that of close friends who bond differently during the journey due to dependency on each other and hardships.

Sam is the closest person to Frodo through this intense burden and psychological/moral turmoil. Sam carries our boy to the mountain because he's been with Frodo the entire journey from start to end, and has seen the toll it has taken on him. He carries Frodo with an air of camaraderie, loyalty, care, and emotional strength.

Anyhow, the fact that Sam and Frodo don't exist in a romantic context together is cinematically supported, and I can't find it at all in the way that the actors portrayed them or even in dialogue.

Personally (and you can metaphorically sue me for this if you want) i have one specific friendship of my own that I very much see in Frodo and Sam when I watch The Lord of the rings trilogy, and this is my lifelong friend and platonic soulmate. We tried to see if dating was for us since everyone said we should and it didn't feel right on either side (this was middle school, mind you, and now we're in college).

I see our friendship and our type of platonic love in Frodo and Sam because of the sheer amount of obvious love for one another present without any romantic influence between the two.

And, I also see the crowd calling for queer romance just because of two same gendered friends with a deep bond. To me it looks like people have blatantly ignored a prime example of positive and strong friendship between two men in favor of the ever present gay-ship fandom fodder. It also is concerning as I see women primarily vouching for this ship specifically.

Mind you, I am a queer woman, and I have a multitude of queer ships that I'm a fan of, including mlm (like merthur, which is my personal favorite). I just can't see what others are seeing when it comes down to Sam and Frodo's relationship type.

Frodo loves Sam, and Sam loves Frodo, this much isn't even up for discussion, but it's important to distinguish between the love you share with a friend and the love you feel for a romantic partner.

It's very clear that Sam loves Rosie, as we Begin the trilogy with Sam admiring Rosie from afar and Frodo encouraging him to be a little bit more brave. We end this series with Sam marrying Rosie and Frodo is happy for him. Frodo himself is depressed because of how the journey changed him and his perspective of the life he once had, which is unrelated to the fact that Sam found happiness and he couldn't after the shared journey.

Again this is just an opinion, and also kind of a vent post in a way. I really just don't understand how this conclusion is so popular. People are bound to get to a conclusion of shipping two characters that don't really mix in a fandom, I know that to be very true. It's just strange that this one is so popular, since it's got such little usable context to support the ship with.

I'd love to know what others think tbh

[purpdrawsthings]

To Mr. Puzzles:

How many people that have you brainwashed?

(A funny question :))

" ...! "

" Hmm.. "

" Maybe... "

" ... An entire city? "

[ time for context part! The part you've all been waiting for >=]

I planned on actually having Puzzles have full control over the entire world y'know like... THE WHOLE EARTH?

But that felt a bit WAY too exaggerated. Besides, the only instance we've seen of his 'worldwide' brainwash was only within [ and maybe to some extent near the area too? ] the city. I felt it was a bit way too much for him to have that much power over the entire earth.

So I decided with him having full control over the city and everyone inside it. Of course, all of the tv channels would all directly lead to his shows and nothing else.

I'm assuming at this point he would actually cut off any sort of connection to the outside city so they would know. If anybody questions it? Well why don't we sugar coat it and lie eh?

That's what he would do to maintain his reputation lmao.

Tbh, this is only just the early phase of this au and I'm still planning more to make this au as consistent as possible. Besides, I change ideas way too much so it may take a while before I make anymore final decisions for this au.

Soooooo yeah! That's about all for context =3

Yeetus ]

Note from creator :

Hey heyyyyy how are y'all doing? Yes I know I haven't replied to any asks since I was so busy working on 3 animations and a couple of fan art projects for ppl I really adore =3 I decided to answer this ask because I felt like I should actually post more brainwashed au content. I'll try and answer more of these as time goes by ^^ cya =D

[dragonnan]

Fanfic writer interview

tagged by: @sinvulkt

Thank you so much!!

What fandoms do you write in? Primarily Sherlock, MCU, and Sandman. IF inspiration hits hard enough I may drift into other fandoms but for the last few years those have been my primary genres.

How many words have you published in 2024? 49,696 - though that isn't all fanfic as some applies to fanart as well as sometimes quoting other authors in gift art.

What is your greatest achievement this year? Honestly? Managing to get a job lol! But in fandom - nothing really in writing. However I've produced more fanart in 2024 than I created in the last 5 yearly counts.

What are your top three fics you've written this year? Given how little I wrote these are literally the ONLY fics I published/updated in 2024 lol:

🪽 Sed Diabolus (MCU Avengers): My long running WIP, this is a fix-it that simultaneously repairs the events of Endgame as well as makes things so much worse. The incredibly talented @kitcat992 gave me so many ideas and helped so much with the outline that I have given her author credit.

🪽 Sharing is Caring (Sherlock): A short story including all of my favorite elements - hurt/comfort, humor, caregiving, friendship and banter, etc.

🪽 Choice (Sherlock): I had written this story several years ago. However I hadn't liked the theme so it remained unpublished until I finally dug it out and changed up a bunch of things. The result is a cute backstory of how Sherlock and Mrs. Hudson first met.

What was your biggest pit of despair moment? They kinda all run together tbh. Writing has been next to impossible - despite having lots of ideas. Partly why I made so much fanart. Drawing is always easier than writing.

What have you learned? I learned that it's okay and even desired to return to the same story themes over and over - that if it's something I love there are also going to be readers who love the same thing.

Did you beta any fics? I did several years ago but I haven't had the time nor energy for a very long time.

What three fics have you read this year that you love? THIS IS AN EVIL QUESTION!!

Identity Within by KitCat992 (@kitcat992) 160,514 words

It’s been one year and some change since Tony planned to introduce Spider-Man to the world, and instead put a ring on the finger of the capable, qualified, trustworthy Pepper Potts. One year and some change later, and the invitations have finally gone out. Meanwhile, Peter’s never been more excited for something in his entire young life — and he and Ned once got to spend the day at NASA. Nope, Mr. Stark’s wedding easily topped that. Heck, he may be more excited for the wedding than anyone else, including the bride herself. After the crazy year they all had, it felt good to finally have something good happen. Nothing was going to mess this up, Peter would make sure of it. He just had to handle the rings. Wait, the rings. Crap, the rings! Where’d he put the rings? All he had to do was find the rings, and then everything would go off without a hitch. Absolutely nothing could go wrong with him trying to find the rings, right? This wedding was going to be perfect. (Or: Tony swears the universe is trying to keep him and Pepper from tying the knot while Peter’s having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. Seriously, who let Norman Osborn into the church?) Act 1 of 5 completed. Part 3 of Identity Saga

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner? by sgam76 (@sgam76) 23,052 words

John's friend is coming to dinner, and bringing a problem along. That's fine. That's what he and Sherlock do. But he didn't expect that "problem" to be an eldritch being. Or for said eldritch being to be sad, and pissy, and a little too much like Sherlock for John's comfort. Or for him to bring news of the potential end of the world. Part 9 of A Sharp, Dressed Man 'verse

at least two miracles by apocryphal (@the-apocrypha) 15,948 words

Hob is a hedgewitch. Dream is fae. And Orpheus is the best of them both. Part 11 of Cottagecore

Shout out to two ASTOUNDING comic creators who've both had me by the throat since early last year!

Wolf & Raven by Dominion_of_Dust1886 (@wolf-and-raven-dreaming)

Fan Comic originally posted on Tumblr and is still ongoing. What if Hob Gadling had saved his Stranger? Well, this is a common trope. Yet a trope so easy to contribute to. However, this fan fiction is presented in comic format and dives right into the story. Mind the tags as you dive in.

Centaur Dreamling/ Horse Girl Hob Gadling by @amielot

In which horse girl hob attempts to earn the trust of a wild and unfriendly Dream (who does not like humans one bit)

What ideas are percolating for 2025? I desperately want to get some solid progress (complete???) Sed Diabolus. I also have a story I've been developing for The Sandman and would love to start publishing fics for that fandom.

Who do you want to thank? @kitcat992 @mamahanu @mrs-n-uzumaki @estelkenobi - my beautiful chat group who I'd NEEEVER survive without!!!! Saying I Love You on repeat is a paltry expression for the absolute adoration and devotion I have for you guys. You are my people!! My feral humans!! My clan I daydream of sharing a home with whatever reality may claim (fuck reality with salad fingers!)

@sgam76 @helloliriels @sevdrag @7-percent @vanillacokefireants @teejaystumbles @totallysilvergirl @tj-dragonblade @amielot @the-apocrypha @theleftpill @ceruleanmindpalace @cuubism @englandsgray @ariaadagio @aelaer @disappearinginq @gabessquishytum @kitten-kin @barachiki @bovivinator @blogstandbygo @medhes @mid0khan @wolf-and-raven-dreaming @softest-punk @im-not-corrupted @embroiderling Some of you I've known for years - others I've recently met. ALL of you have shaped me in some way (not even necessarily for evil!). I am so honored to count many of you as good friends and others as friend-in-progress haha! I really can't wait to see what 2025 brings to the fandoms we love!

There are so so many I know I've neglected to tag. If I follow you/you follow me just know you all matter to me so incredibly much and I'm endlessly grateful to you!

tagging: @sgam76 @helloliriels @sevdrag @kitcat992 @gabessquishytum t @the-apocrypha @theleftpill @ceruleanmindpalace @cuubism @englandsgray @ariaadagio @aelaer @disappearinginq @totallysilvergirl @tj-dragonblade @amielot and all others who want to participate!

[galvanizedfriend]

hi friend!!! How are you? How is work? How is European summer treating you? 😬😬 I know it's still May, but southern Europe only has Summer and Winter, no mid-season, so 🫠🫠

You know, I've been seeing MANY people saying that Hayley only claims to be a Mikaelson whenever it's convenient to her, otherwise she just shitstorms them.

Now, i have never seen TO — and im also very biased — so I can't give you a solid opinion on it, but from what i saw in TW, Caroline is never like that. I mean, sure, she holds them accountable, but that's it (and it still gets her SO much hate — people in the Ao3 comment section were JUMPING her, it's crazy, but that's not the point rn).

So, all of these just to ask, how much difference are TO!Hayley and TW!Caroline when it comes to the Mikaelson family?? I know that Care was never supposed to be a diffent version of Hayley in TW, that she's and always will be her own character, but their history with the Mikaelsons is still pretty similar.

As always, sorry if i keep pestering with these silly questions, but I've been hyperfixating on this fiction ever since I've read it the first time, it's just stronger than me 😭😭

Hi, friend!! ❤️ Sorry it took me forever to get to this. I haven't been around much, was enjoying some holidays. Actually went to your land! Italy was lovely, the food was wonderful, but I could've done with less rain.

I would say Hayley is in a bit of a love-hate relationship with the Mikaelsons. Not that I blame her tbh, they're pretty shitty to her a lot of the time, especially Klaus. But I think what people are mostly refering to when they say that about her is that part of S2 where she decides to take Hope and run because she doesn't want her daughter to be a Mikaelson, that family is toxic and Klaus is awful or whatever. That is not at all what happens in TW, so.

Caroline's relationship with them is very different in every way. It starts with how she relates to Klaus, and that basically changes the entire dynamic right off the bat. But there is a curve in how she relates to them throughout the story. It doesn't happen over night, like she snaps her fingers and she's right at home and that's it (even though that's pretty much what some people were expecting, as you probably noticed if you read the angry comments 😬). At the beginning, she is in a place of distrust and skepticism because nothing about her situation inspires much confidence. She feels isolated, sometimes lonely and definitely not like she's a part of the family for all the obvious reasons. But things shift and move forward as the story progresses, along with her relationship with Klaus.

I think the definitive turning point is precisely around the same time in the story as Hayley runs with Hope. The end of TW2 is very different from the show. Caroline goes back to MF and then there's the whole arc of her mother passing away. She was already in a very clear nuclear family thing with Klaus and Eve at that time (their more-or-less break up notwithstanding), but the final arc in TW2 is when she fully realizes that, with everything that sets them apart, she has undeniably become one of them.

In the middle of her grief, Caroline is also terrified of the fact she might suddenly find herself completely alone in the world, contemplating eternity while raising a baby. Klaus had been awol for a while, she wasn't that sure of where they stood, of what would happen if they were to really break up for good, but she's certain that if Klaus were to walk out on her, she would also lose Elijah and Rebekah. Her mother was her last remaining tie to her human life, the person she was before becoming a vampire, and despite the fact she's a kickass vampire and she had been living in Nola for a while, she's not ready to say goodbye to that. It happens too soon, too suddenly, and it's also the first time she felt the true weight of living forever, what it really meant: potentially outliving everything she knows and everyone she loves. It's a pretty daunting time for her. That's the feeling I think pushes her towards flipping off her humanity on the show. Except that unlike on the show, where Stefan's rejection turns into the straw that breaks the camel's back, in TW Caroline finds herself surrounded by Mikaelsons. Klaus and Elijah are right there, and so is her baby, and before she can spiral out of control, she's grounded back by the realization she is not alone. She has a family. Her mother's loss is still devastating, but she doesn't have to bear all that pain by herself, and Liz's letter at the end is a confirmation of that. So that part of the story is when Caroline fully embraces being a part of the Mikaelson clan, and from then on she never wavers. It's not to say that she's exactly like them, or that she condones all of the Mikaelson ways, which she clearly doesn't. She remains very much her own person. But for better or for worse, she becomes a part of their always and forever.

I don't know if that's exactly what you asked. 😂

Hope you're having a wonderful month!

[deniable-masterpiece]

I have come up with a list of the top 10 (in no particular order) hot guys I want to sit on my face and I challenge thee to make your own I'm only including live action characters/actors (if I only find them hot in one role or only know them in said role/find them particularly hot in said role) Oscar Isaac Charlie Cox Steve Harrington Andrew Garfield Zach Tinker Wilson Bethel Aaron Taylor Johnson (most of the time but sometimes his hair/facial hair just ain't it) Ian Terry Jonathan Bailey Grant Gustin - 😈

For the sake of not being repetitious, I'm going to do my top ten and replace anyone who would have been on there that you mentioned. (Which is really all of those guys, but I'm still gonna yap about them.) So, some of these aren't in my ideal top ten but these are my top ten excluding the men listed above.

Aaron Taylor johnson is so valid with the facial hair- he's not super hot to me in his current era. He was hot as Kraven and Pietro with the facial hair but that's the only time I really liked it. Didn't love his role as Tangerine with the mustache tbh... it just was not it. I like the more dilfy beard that Charlie Cox usually has/the stubble, that's always super hot and serves to make them look like they have heartburn and tummies that can barely handle dense foods and have knees that pop when they're squatting over me, about to sit on my face (All of that's true for Oscar and Andrew too). But the younger guys like Zach Tinker can kinda pull off the mustache look that he currently has/the clean shaven look he's sported for things like his face model as Jacob and just in general (though, Joe Keery-- Steve Harrington --cannot pull off facial hair, it makes him look greasy and nasty.)

We've already yapped a lot about most of these men, so I'm just gonna move onto my list for the sake of brevity.

My list: (note that these are not in order because they change on a daily/hourly basis, and I put the actor/irl person for simplicity because I typically find them hot in more than one role)

HM: Antony Starr, Noah Beck, and Nicholas Robinson, Rami Malek

Jared Padalecki

Jared has just consistently been fine since the early days, and the older he gets the more that statement remains true. I don't have a lot to say that I haven't said already about him but the behind the scenes of Supernatural are exactly why he should be farting in my face and sitting on it too!

Hayden Moss

Another Big Brother player- I just really love him during that 2 years between when he played Big Brother and then went on to play survivor. He was a blonde bimbo in the form of a fine ass man. He's still fine now but definitely less so, and he's a republican (you can see a trump shirt on in one of his posts...) Still, him on big brother/survivor was an era I will always love and he needs to sit on my face indefinitely.

I was contemplating Tucker Des Lauriers on here too, but I figured that one Big Brother player is enough. But I will explain why Tucker deserves this honorable mention: (these are pics i took when watching the episode live but i’m sure there’s better shots if i comb through the episode again)

Milo Manheim

I have been a D1 supporter for Milo since I watched the Zombies movie at 13 and found him insanely hot. He's insanely tall and lanky which makes him inexplicably hot. His pale cheeks could do numbers to my face and I'd thank him all for it. He may not have the fattest ass, but it's the personality that counts <3. <- I wrote this before that school spirits episode where he was serving ass in those sweatpants. I need to eat him out and clean his ass and be crushed under it and to taste his farts like yesterday. I know they're so lethal I'd become another spirit at that school.

Sebastian Stan

Fun fact this spot was for Noah Beck but I changed it because I want his dilf farts. There isn't much to say other than that he's my OG Marvel dilf obsession and he still kinda is but definitely less-so. I doesn't really help that we're getting DD:BA before Thuderbolts so all my attention is on Charlie, but trust that I was giving Seb a run for his money with how bad I wanted to be his chair. Both as himself, as Bucky, as Steve Kemp, as that guy from Black Swan, as every role he's in.

Bryce Hall

This one is strictly because I think he has a fat ass and he knows it. I don't support his political beliefs nor do I think that this "support" of certain ass-pects of him negates any of the problematic stuff he's done. He's someone I like in pure fantasy, but it is hot to know that he doesn't respect my rights as a queer man and would shove his hot sweaty, gassy ass in my face as punishment for daring to feel like I belong. It's such a disgustingly hot thing, knowing that he genuinely would view me as worthless and that we're better as chairs for fat-assed republicans than being a part of society.

Josh Hutcherson

Him as Mike Schmidt in the FNAF movie really awoke me to how hot he is and how he should sit on my face. I know that ass is so fat and hairy and I see a lot of people buying into that vision as well- from the fakes on Twitter to the fics I've seen that highlight his body hair, I'm glad we all recognize that as a canon and simple fact about Mike in a franchise that has very convoluted lore. Josh is just entering his dilf era after looking like a gassy frat boy in his 20s, now he's a hairy always-upset-stomach and gassy type dilf.

Jack Champion

This one, I'll admit, is getting a little stale for me. I haven't been hugely into Jack since the end of this past summer, where I kinda just obsessed and frothed at the mouth until it just kinda didn't do much for me? He's still hot and seeing pics of that ass will always pull me back in, but I wouldn't have him in my top ten now like I would have a few months ago. Still, it'd be so hot to have him sit on me.

Brenton Thwaites

This is one I don't usually divulge in, mostly because I've seen Titans (but haven't finished it, it just isn't that strong or compelling of a superhero show compared to the Netflix Marvel shows and the Boys tbh) and I haven't really seen Brenton in anything else. Hoping that the rumors about him becoming the new Cyclops are true because that will really reignite my passion for his ass. But truthfully, I would let him sit on my face any day, even if I'm not feeling it.

Tom Holland

Tommmmmm!!!! I truly love him so much, him and Sebastian Stan are the reason I got into superheroes and the MCU in general, because I loveeeee Bucky and Peter. I used to be a superhero hater and his stuff as spider-man is what got me to really enjoy superheroes. (We're gonna ignore Wandavision since that actually got me to watch the whole MCU to understand what was going on with her but stiiiill.) He's so hot now but I used to have this one fantasy when I was younger that he had the most deadliest ass when it came to farts and that he should sit on my face as Hoco/FFH era Peter, it's just so hot to think that he's got all this power over someone at such a young age and knows it. It's not like the other dilfs in the MCU where they've been doing it for years and it's nothing special, but imagine being the first under his ass and he doesn't even know how much to hold back because he's never done it before. Feeling him moan and get so overwhelmed that he's sitting on your face, nerdy Peter just losing it because he gets no action and had to crop-dust his previous crushesssss. It's so hot, popping his fart cherry and face-chair cherry too I guess

Tom's other roles are just as hot too, like Arvin Russell needs to gas me out in his truck.. he's so cute I just want to baby himmmm but also he needs to dom me hard. Nathan Drake too, the dichotomy of all of his roles would be so hot to see.

Robert Pattinson

Another British dilf omfg!! This list feels full of them as I look at what's to come, but Rob is also an OG. All of these are OGs... I think I'm just somehow that this list became people that I return to over and over again. I finally watched Twilight in senior year of high school and I wish I would have made it my vibe that whole year because he's so hot as Edward!! And he's hot in that movie Remember Me, and I think there's ironically a movie where he goes crazy in a lighthouse because the person he's staying with keeps farting. I would let him and his characters drive me crazy with their farts ughhhh

[theinquisitxor]

April 2025 Reading Wrap Up

I read 5 books in the month of April, and wrapped up two series! Five books is a little below average for me, but I got myself in such a reading slump at the end of the month trying to read The Luminaries. It's been very slow going with this book, and while I don't want to dnf it, it's just taking me forever. Making this post today (May 4), I'm still only 1/2 way though. The first 3/4 of April was good reading, so let me dive in:

1.The Crow (The Books of Pellinor 3) by Alison Croggon, 4/5 stars. I remembered scenes from this book vividly because of the emotional damage it did to me when I was young. I know many people don't like this book as much, but I thoroughly enjoyed it. I like the change of perspective, place, and character this book brings.

2.The Singing (The Books of Pellinor 4) by Alison Croggon, 4/5 stars. The conclusion to this series, and tbh I did not remember almost anything from when I read this years ago. It was almost like reading it new. I feel like this book is a satisfactory conclusion, the ending probably could've been written better, but it's good enough imo.

3.The Backyard Bird Chronicles by Amy Tan, 4/5 stars. This is a published version of Tan's nature/birding journal, and a lovely account of the birds who visit her backyard over the course of several years. I love birds and this was a simple book, but joyful, emotional, and thoughtful. I really enjoyed reading this, and highly recommend!

4.Cybele's Secret (Wildwood Dancing 2) by Juliet Mariller, 4/5 stars. This is a companion novel to Wildwood Dancing and follows one of the sisters, Paula, as she travels with her merchant father to Instabul in search of a lost relic. I actually enjoyed this more than the first book, and it was very different from book 1. This is more of a plot driven adventure story with secret societies, scholars, ancient artifacts, trials and tests.

4.A Northern Gardener's Guide to Native Plants and Pollinators by Lorraine Johnson. As I was getting ready for spring planting, I wanted to learn more about native plants and pollinators, and how to garden with those in mind. I've always been anti-lawn and pro native gardens, and learned more from this book!

I was hoping to have The Luminaries by Eleanor Catton finished in April, but that did not happen. I'm hoping to buckle down and get this book finished soon. I am enjoying it, but it's just taking me forever to get though. Since this has put me in a reading slump, I haven't though of my May tbr very much. I didn't get to my Random TBR book for April (because reading slump), so that is a priority in May.

May tbr?:

finish The Luminaries

read April's Random TBR pick: Child of a Hidden Sea

May Random TBR pick, tbd

something shorter and easier!-- maybe The Demon King or Some Desperate Glory ?

[kuromipuzzles2000]

Last Part of the Special Thanks, 200 followers, by yours truly, KuromiPuzzles2000, thanks to all my moots! ^^ (some not included because or they maybe dead on tumblr or they leaved the fandom and we barely interacted ever again) starting by older to newer

@ask-baldi-and-other-characters / @myrandomocsposts -Angel

thanks you for all those years, you're like a Sister to me, since G+ (I THINK-) we had been interacting and god...you're really supportive and very funny, we had fun for lot of years and i hope we still do, i love ya Angel!/platonic never change! you're one of my best friends and thanks you for your support

@patchy-patchy -Patchy/Oreo

you too had been there for quite a while too, and i take you as a big sister for one year of difference we have lol, even if we lost a bit the contact we still chatting and i appreciate that, even if we had our problems back on our deltarune era we went through it and i am grateful we are in peace now and still friends, you're a great roleplayer, and good artist and friendly and funny! hope you still being an awesome friend (it pass much time that idk which you take as sona anymore sorry if you don't use patchy as sona and you user your fursona or something :( )

@rainstormsart -Rain

Hello! i am flattered you like my art and you started just being a follower more, i am flattered that i helped you with your own struggles and made you what you are today, god, never thought I'll inspire someone and i am part of their favorite creators, you're such a sweet and fun person, i appreciate you and your art too, you're pretty creative, keep going with your ideas and never let anyone take you down, believe me, you'll get to do great things on a future ^^

@artist-heart83

we just are starting to interact and stuff, but i take you as one of my moots and i enjoy your art, more your new gen AU! (specially Stella lol-) i want draw more of Stella on Trickster AU and Trivia AU soon! + maybe draw Bobby (el nene) cuz he's too cute!! from what we had even rp a bit i see you're a great roleplayer + a great artist, hope everything goes well in your future projects and your life of course, tysm for too appreciate my art and like it sincerely, it really make me happy you enjoy my shit art ^^

@goofishh -Goofish

haven't interact much but from what we had, i appreciate it dearly, i appreciate your support, i appreciate you take me as a great person you had meet (from your christmas drawing that i saw but took long on answer, still sorry for that, my depression sometimes no let me answer sooner because it make me embarrassed :( ) your art is great and appreciate your contribution on make Trivia's dark world form ^^ i may assume you're pretty busy but hope you accept this little special thanks for your support and for be there even if isn't frequently!

@lizaluvsthis -Liza

we hasn't interact a LOOOOT like i had with other people in here but from the most i had talk with you you are sweet, a good person and a really amazing artist, i still can't believe a such elite artist is my moot AND loved 3 of my Puzzles <w<; my shit work it was a surprise to me, i really too appreciate your art, your marware art your smg34 art and more, i know you're passing through struggles on your life, but i wish you good luck and happiness on your future, I'll be there for you if you need a chat (if...i am not on depression too-) i no know how your sona looks out of the sketches you have on your profile and tbh i no wanted bother you asking for your sona reference but i wanted include you too since you're an amazing person to be forgotten hope you no mind :(

thanks to you all to form part of my journey, just to let you know i appreciate you guys, old moots, new moots, i really appreciate you all and hope we continue interacting and being moots on a future, love you all/platonic and i wish you the best! take care and goodbye!

[xsturnkay]

Grief.

Warnings :: mentions of death & addict, Grief, depression, ED, SH, Suicide

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⚠️DO NOT READ IF YOUR IN A BAD MENTAL STATE OR IF IT TRIGGERS YOU & DON'T DO THIS⚠️

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March 11.

Well Matt died what now.

I mentally don't know if I'm going to get better or not, I wish I could tell someone but I really can't they won't believe me.

I feel so drowned and depressed like so many emotions in me I don't know how to feel anymore, like my body is in pain I feel like I'm not worth anyone's time, I feel so hopeless and not worthy, I wish I could tell anyone but they will say I'm to young or it's the damn phone but no it's none of those two.

I just mentally feel like this and I have for a while tbh, my head hurts almost everyday so does my body and I don't know why, I don't have motion to do anything anymore I just feel like staying in bed all day, I try to act it off when I'm with someone but sometimes I can't and have to hold in my sadness, I really didn't want to feel like this I really didn't.

I have so much to say but I don't know how to start or say it,

God I miss Matt.

maybe just maybe one day I'll feel better, I just want to go back to when I was younger happy all the time, no worries just happiness with Matt by my side but as I grow everything gets harder and stressful, I can't tell anyone about my struggles cause they won't believe me no matter what only Matt would understand but he's gone now. I don't know if I can trust anyone anymore tbh I feel unworthy, depressed, I feel a lot of stuff now, I don't even feel like talking to anyone anymore, I'll get annoyed easily if someone starts talking to me now and I don't know why. sometimes I want to die sometimes I don't, I feel horrible most days on a daily basis for some reason, I want to cry, yell, scream, everything I want to vent to someone but I'll feel like a burden no matter if they say I'm not.

I'll always hate myself, my body, my face, my personality, everything about myself. I sometimes feel boring and like I have no personality like Matt used to say, I do think to myself that I should have not took my childhood for granted, people say I'm not struggling but I am they just don't see it, depression can be invisible that's what I do when I'm around people cause if I talk about my feelings I'll mess up or they just won't understand.

June 10.

I wish my pain would go away I physically want it gone my head has been hurting on a daily basis again I don't know why, maybe one day people will see how much I'm struggling, sometimes I wonder if people even like me, life's getting harder I'm getting distant from everyone even my own family tbh I wish Matt was still here, maybe life is supposed to be like this maybe it isn't, it's crazy just to think about all the times I was happy when I was younger I wonder and think what happened to me what did I do to myself what did humans do to me that I changed so much, maybe one day I can trust someone enough so that I could at least vent for a little.

After Matt's death I haven't felt the same, why wouldn't he come to me and tell me he was struggling so much. I didn't even get to say goodbye maybe soon I'll see him up there with family members and friends but I really do miss Matt it physically hurts no one would understand.

June 15.

Why was I still here? My dad died right on fathers day what worse could happen, I knew that was what my dad wanted tho he was dead before he hit the ground I knew he would be dead cause he always talked about it, well right that happened a year ago. You may be asking what about my mom? Well she's an addict I felt alone but with Matt I never did but he's gone forever and I can't do anything about it.

I haven't eaten not since last month I've felt nauseous I don't even have an appetite anymore I've gotten a eating disorder fuck what's wrong with me. I've gotten more then 20 anxiety attacks in the past week by so many things I don't even know what makes them if Matt were here he would be helping me a lot but I remember he isn't anymore, sometimes I wait for him by his door thinking he'll come out but he doesn't. And I can't even go in his room I'll just sob on the floor right when I enter his room the memories the laughs the crys everything, fuck I really missed him.

June 20.

This could be the end of everything and I'll get to see Matt. I can't even be clean for more then a week my arms stomach legs thighs wrist were a battle field, not eating not being clean for more then a few days not speaking was my cry for help but no one noticed, I've wrote the letters my mom my best friend my sister my brother in law my fav aunt my fav cousin everyone, I was finally done with them so maybe it was time time for me to go.

JULY 10.

Well it's my birthday it's finally time not for me to turn 18 but time for me to leave. I was in my room the lights off a knife in my hand and pills on the floor next to me, I took them and twisted the knife I fell to the floor. My mom heard from downstairs and came running to my room she opened the door and saw me laying on the floor unconscious she ran beside me and fell to her knees crying and called the police and ambulance she was sobbing at this point. The ambulance took my unconscious body and by the time I got to the hospital I was gone. The doctor's told my mom and she fell to her knees once again sobbing till she bearly could breathe.

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Authors note: holy shit I can't believe I wrote this y'all sorry if I wrote something wrong I'm dyslexia so mb😓 hope y'all enjoyed had to put a big ahh warning so no one would do anything that I wrote but if anyone is going there this I hope you get better! (人 •͈ᴗ•͈)

[zdusk]

Uh. Long time no see?!?!?!? Quick life update for anyone out there who follows me and still checks this site:

I bought a horse last year

Her name is Firefly (Princess Fairymount Firefly) and she is 2 and she is the love of my life. Also since I got her she has changed colour two times: her summer coat went from a lovely golden dun to a white winter coat to a burnt toast sort of winter-summer-shedding season look. But that buckskin dun is starting to peek thru her dark shoulders again so I'm pretty confident that she's going to return to her previous state and I probably haven't purchased a magical colour changing animal. Bummer.

When I got her, I thought I was getting a rising 3 year old whom I would be training this summer, but I found out recently that she's only turning 2 this May meaning she was only a year and a half old when I bought her. Super disappointing since that's put me off my plans by a whole year, but I'm not going to sell and look for something else because unfortunately I already love her so much and I have a feeling she's going to be worth her weight in gold. Like, she already IS worth her weight in gold and then some to me because she's got the calmest disposition I've EVER seen on a baby horse, but that just means I've found something so special and you'd really have to pry her from my cold dead hands at this point.

There's also my baby doggie Odin!!!!!!!!! I just led with the horse cuz yknow, a lot of my old mutuals here are sso girlies/boyies/themies so I figured the horse might be the more exciting news

He turned 3 last November and I have been raising him since he was an egg. For those of you who knew Hildi, this cringe ass thang is her successor and he's my best friend in the whole world to whom I tell all of my secrets. He LOVES to bark at children though which isn't really cool but we're working on that together. When he isn't barking at unsuspecting children, he's a FIEND for a game of frisbee‐ unfortunately he has also injured his paws TWICE while playing frisbee so its considered a high risk sport for him. That's just how goddamn serious he is about it. If frisbee was a thing at the Olympics he probably wouldn't win but he'd give it his best damn shot and headlines would call his loss 'tragic' but his attempt 'inspirational.' Wait isn't frisbee actually in the Olympics but it's just called discus instead? Hang on a sec I need to call Odin's agent

Odin was sort of the first breakthrough I had with the whole Finding Happiness thing. Like yes surviving the puppy phase was, in my opinion, similar to trying to survive a war, but its been so rewarding to care for and nurture something that has turned around and given me nothing but unconditional love in return. Like seriously, the feeling of being loved by this dog is so strong to the point that its almost overwhelming. He stares at me lovingly even while I'm brushing my teeth like look at this

He seriously breaks my heart ouuuughhhhhhhhhh Odin I love you more than I can put into words without you I'd be NOTHING!!!!!!

I'm probably the happiest I've been in like the last 10 years now. To those of you who knew me from age 16 to about 20-21, No You Didn't and I'm only like, half joking. You knew a very depressed version of me and tbh so did I, I'm still getting used to what happiness is like for me (turns out it's kinda stressful?!?!?!? But when you're the only horse person in the family looking after an animal that can get so stressed out that it gives itself stomach ulcers and dies, I think a healthy dose of stress isn't unusual. Those are a lot of important shots to call!) but it's been nice. I've been meeting new people and making new friends and having invaluable experiences. But also if you knew me from age 16 to 20-21 I am so sorry. I was a WEIRD kid. Now I'm a weird adult. How time flies, eh?

If any of the old wormy men or my other sso mutuals are reading this, I think about you sometimes. I hope life has been treating you well, and you've had lots of ups with your inevitable downs. I'd say I'll try to be more active, but I don't know how true that might be so for now all I can offer is a big fat 'we'll see.' I might just be giving this update to ghosts for all I know.

The funniest joke in this whole post was when I said this was a 'quick' life update and then wrote like 6 whole paragraphs haha classic Z