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fromparishwithlove · 4 years ago

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Nothing But Handprints

[2,663 words, Destiel, mostly canon compliant]

A/N: Hey, hi, it’s midnight and I spent three days writing something and I actually finished it. It’s not that long, maybe 3,000 words but it’s something and I’m kinda proud of that. Ever since Supernatural ended I’ve found myself writing more and more. I’m actually working on a full fic and right now, it’s the most words I’ve ever written for one story, even though it just a shitty first draft. But before I publish that, I wanted to share something smaller, ease my way in so to speak. So this is a lot of Dean Winchester angst and a sort of continuous ‘Oh Shit’ moment in which he processes lots of memories and realises the impact Castiel had on his life, many of which are connected by the significance of the handprint. Ahhh the beloved handprint! Tbh I was kind of inspired by Jensen’s enthusiasm for bringing it back in 15x18 so you can thank him if you like this story. I think I’m going to eventually add this to Ao3 and it may get a sequel but for now, I hope you like it. Or at least don’t hate it.

Cas was gone.

Dean felt the loss as surely as if one of his lungs had been ripped out. Maybe it had. Maybe that’s why it was so fucking hard to breathe. And still he kept dragging in air, each breath a razor blade - Inhale. Exhale - forcing himself to endure the exquisite pain of survival.

Survival, he knew, was its own brand of suffering; barbed with regrets and heavy with the keen sting of memories.

Behind his eyelids bullets ripped through a dusty trenchcoat. A familiar voice admonished him; he was almost out of minutes. The cool press of fingertips brushed against his forehead. The silver streak of an angel blade caught the light. A fist collided with his jaw with a sickening crunch. A huff of involuntary laughter escaped from reluctant lips. Stubble scraped his cheek as he pulled the angel into a hug. Shades of blue crowded his vision - the garish blue of a crappy general store tabard, the endless blue of the morning sky as he wrestled his way out of his own grave, the untamed blue of angel grace, humming with raw energy. And best of all, the solemn blue of that unflinching gaze. There was a discarded cowboy hat on the backseat of the Impala. A game of Sorry pushed across a table and into his hands. A shitty four door saloon the colour of middle-aged misery.

And the brand of salvation burning on his skin - the Righteous Man, touched by an angel. The same handprint that now stained his jacket bloody.

As hard as he tried, all he could do was remember as shuddering breaths turned to wracking sobs.

Whatever this thing was, it had marked him. Searing it’s own handprint into the flesh of his shoulder, staking its claim.

Dean couldn’t help but feel... violated.

He looked like a walking advertisement for one of those crappy tourist spots: take nothing but photos, leave nothing but footprints but in his case it read: take nothing but liberties, leave nothing but handprints

He ran a tentative finger over the raised flesh and hissed at the contact. It felt raw, like a burn; still stinging and angry.

He glared at it, hoping the sheer force of his loathing would somehow dissolve it. But it remained, stubborn and resolute.

It looked human. That was the worst thing. To think there was something out there - something monstrous - masquerading in the body of an innocent person... And with enough power to pull him from the pit.

That thought alone was enough to chill the blood in his veins.

And what did that mean for him? He bore its signature on his skin after all. Did that mark him as it’s property?

He belonged to no man. And no monster.

He would rather spend a lifetime in Hell.

Getting up off the floor had been the hardest thing he’d ever had to do. Turning his back on the last place he’d seen Cas near impossible.

What if, by some miracle, he came back? He deserved to know Dean had waited. After all, Cas was the only one he’d ever really had any faith in.

But Dean had given up on miracles long ago.

He let his phone ring out again and again; the sound too harsh in the grief-stricken silence. What if he never answered? What if he let Sam believe he was dead? Cas too. Because in reality, he felt as good as.

When she saw the mark on his shoulder, her eyes widened a fraction, her mouth parting in what Dean recognised as wonder.

Dean Winchester is saved.

The words came back to him as she aligned her palm with the echo of Castiel’s, caressing the raised skin with a gentle touch.

Something about the contact made him feel nauseous. Even though they were pressed together, not a breath between their bodies, he felt as though she had dug her nails into an open wound. A shudder of revulsion ran down his spine. He suppressed the urge to shake her off, instead drawing her attention away with a searing kiss.

The feeling of unease was harder to dislodge.

The mark itself no longer bothered him; it had faded somewhat and by the time Pamela used it to make contact with Castiel it hadn’t so much as tingled. This sudden display of hostility triggered by Anna’s touch unnerved him.

Maybe it was because she was an angel. Maybe it could sense her power, reacting with whatever traces of energy Castiel had left behind.

Or maybe it was something subconscious in Dean; something he didn’t want to acknowledge - couldn’t acknowledge - for fear of what that might mean.

But he couldn’t outrun the truth.

He noticed how Castiel turned away when Anna leaned in to kiss him goodbye. Thought he saw a flicker of jealousy contort his features. But only for a split second.

And once again that involuntary feeling of distaste rose up inside him, rearing it’s head, demanding to be heard.

And this time he listened.

And this time he recognised the ceaseless lament of his guilt.

Every cell in his body screamed in protest as he staggered out of the bunker. Every step a monumental effort. It was as though The Empty had created a vacuum when it had taken Castiel, and now it threatened to drag him into the same darkness.

He was exhausted; more than once he had to fight the urge to lay down and never get back up. But he knew he couldn’t.

He had to get to Sam, had to confront Chuck and demand he bring Cas back. He pinned all his hopes on it. Because if Chuck - Lord God Almighty himself - couldn’t bust Cas out of The Empty, what hope did he have of doing it himself?

So he dragged himself behind the wheel of the Impala and tried to ignore how normal it felt to sit there, as if he were just heading out on another case. As if the whole world hadn’t shattered apart and been clumsily glued back together in a matter of heartbeats.

He refused to look over at the passenger seat, refused to acknowledge the empty space beside him. Castiel had occupied that space just a few hours ago.

Could that be right? Had it only been a few hours since they’d made the journey to Lebanon, their silence weighted with shared worry yet still companionable? How had he lost so much in so little time?

Castiel arrived in the nick of time.

Zachariah had been gearing up to do some serious damage. He might not have been able to kill Dean on account of his status as Michael’s Vessel but he could still make him suffer. And Dean knew he had riled him. But nothing, not even the threat of what was to come would induce him to say yes. Zachariah had simply given him an advantage, a roadmap of what not to do to. He wouldn’t end up a cold, callous, merciless soldier like his future self. He wouldn’t. He refused to believe there would ever come a day when he would willingly sacrifice his friends and family - his fellow comrades - no matter what Heaven or Hell put in front of him. He would rather die than live to see himself become so despicable.

“That’s pretty nice timing Cas.”

“We had an appointment.”

His answer was so matter of fact, so practical, that Dean couldn’t help the smile that broke over his face. It implied that Dean could’ve been minutes away from death or simply completing the crossword and Castiel still would’ve come for him at that exact moment. But there was something coy about the set of his features, something like amusement twitching at the corner of his mouth.

Dean was under no illusion that, somehow, Cas had sensed he was in danger and, despite his apparent ignorance, had slipped in and taken Dean while Zachariah’s back was turned. It was crafty, calculated, almost petty in its brilliance.

And now Castiel stood looking at him, ready to talk, to plan their next move, without even a hint of expectation in his gaze.

He didn’t boast or demand gratitude. He didn’t want Dean’s thanks; he just wanted to be included.

The realisation hit Dean all at once, Castiel’s own words coming back to him as he considered how the balance between them had shifted.

You don’t think you deserve to be saved.

But Cas had saved him. Had been trying to save him for a while now but Dean had just been too blind to see it. When he had freed him from Hell he had been following orders but now, he had simply taken it upon himself to remove Dean from trouble’s path.

Against all odds and the interests of Heaven, an angel had his back.

Dean took a step forward and, placing a hand on Castiel’s shoulder, he said, “Don’t ever change.”

What he meant to say was: Don’t ever change back. Don’t ever serve the interests of others when you know in you’re heart they’re wrong. Don’t ever become unreachable, unknowable. Don’t ever stop being the angel on my shoulder because without you, I’d die.

There was so much he had meant to say but the words died on his lips. He hoped that Cas understood just from the look in his eyes, the force in his tone, the significance of that hand on his shoulder.

Dean knew that he didn’t always tolerate human contact but Castiel didn’t shrug him off. He allowed Dean to grip his arm, the fabric of the trenchcoat screwed up under his fingers. For a minute Dean held on and when he finally drew away, he half expected to see the shape of his palm imprinted there, just as Castiel’s handprint adorned his own shoulder.

He drove on autopilot, trusting his body to react accordingly; his mind was otherwise consumed by bittersweet memories that made his throat ache and his eyes sting.

He replayed every journey they’d ever made together, nothing but open road before them and unsaid words between them.

You changed me Dean.

His tears ran hot, spilling down his cheeks and splashing into his lap.

Dean had immediately recognised the truth in Cas’ words, but they still reverberated through him like the tremors of a distant earthquake. Letting himself consider the possibility that he, an insignificant stain on the Earth’s crust, had changed Castiel, a centuries old celestial warrior, was incomprehensible.

It was like... staring into the sun.

The more he told himself not to, the more he became blinded by its glare. Dean wanted to squint whenever he looked at it, shield his eyes from its radiant sincerity.

Because he had known it this whole time. Known and never admitted it to himself.

He had witnessed firsthand Castiel’s transformation from a finely tuned, emotionless instrument to a discordant orchestra of empathy and feeling and not once had he suggested it was his own influence that had inspired such a change.

Because how could he have inspired such honesty and compassion, gentle humour and tenderness? He was stubborn and defensive, worn down by years of trauma and still so full of anger.

But he was wrong.

Of course he was wrong.

I cared about the whole world because of you.

It felt too big to accept so readily and yet... Dean remembered the first time he’d made Cas laugh, the first time he’d heard doubt creep into his voice, the first time his cheeks had flushed with embarrassment, his eyes had filled with sorrow, his shoulders had sagged with relief. He remembered it all and he remembered his own despair, his exhaustion, his cocky bravado. He had begged and reasoned and joked with reckless abandon. He had unwittingly smothered Cas with his humanity and instead of suffocating, Castiel had simply taken a deep breath, filling his lungs with every human emotion they’d ever dared to beat out of him.

His body felt beaten, his mind battered and broken.

Sam didn’t even have to ask as he forced himself out of the car to meet his younger brother’s eyes.

Understanding glimmered there. He might not know the details but Sam recognised the same heartsick anguish that gripped his own soul. The same bone-deep weariness that had settled over him ever since discovering Eileen was gone.

They had lost everything. Everyone.

Details would come later; coaxing out the truth one shot of whiskey at a time. Although, looking at the state of his brother, Sam wondered whether it wouldn’t take several bottles.

Dean took another pull on his beer.

He couldn’t understand why he’d done it. Maybe he hadn’t meant to. But sure enough it was gone. Every day the past slipped further and further away, fading as quickly as dreams but still he couldn’t help but reach for those memories.

There was barely anything left to remind him. Sam was... Well, Dean found it hard to think about Sam. And Cas... Dean hadn’t seen or heard from him in almost a year. He was starting to think Cas had removed the mark on purpose; some deluded attempt at helping Dean forget. Perhaps he thought it was a mercy.

But Dean didn’t want to forget. Not if it meant forgetting what it felt like to belong.

Once again he found himself in front of the mirror, beer on the counter, sleeve rolled up, his own hand pressed to the place where Castiel’s had once been.

He could hear Lisa moving around downstairs, glasses clinking, Ben’s laughter loud and jubilant out in the yard. He shouldn’t be here. Not again. Not today. He should be down there manning the barbecue, joking and celebrating with his family.

But he couldn’t seem to tear himself away. There was nothing to see and yet he kept on searching.

Mary had always said that angels were watching over him but his angel had abandoned him, leaving no trace behind.

Dean’s grip tightened, nails digging into his flesh. He relished the pain but it was not enough.

“You’ve got to bring him back.”

He’d ground out the words with deliberate force, still reluctant to admit Cas was gone, to admit that he alone couldn’t save him.

But Chuck had merely shrugged off their surrender. Apparently he was happy to simply watch them flounder. With no one left to fight for and no monsters left to fight, the brothers would be effectively made redundant. Just Sam and Dean and an eternity of suffering stretching out before them. How could that be the end?

In Dean’s opinion it was shitty, lazy writing. Surely Chuck would grow tired of their struggle soon enough and then what?

Stripping him of his power, his divinity, his immortality had been deeply satisfying. Dean relished the moment he turned his back on him, refusing to expend the effort it would take to kill him. That was, after all, not who he was. Not anymore.

For the first time in his life, he was going to carve his own path - without destiny or prophecy or some omniscient douchebag shoving him around on the chess board.

The thought terrified him. Did he even know how to live a life when his every movement wasn’t being dictated by someone else?

He supposed his first move would be the obvious one. But it was the only one he really wanted to make. With Jack taking on the role of God, his task of liberating Cas from The Empty seemed fractionally less intimidating. They would find a way.

Dean swore to himself that no matter how long it took, no matter the lengths he would have to go to, he would see Castiel again. And when he did, he intended to drag him out of the darkness and cover his soul with his handprints.

#deancas #Dean Winchester angst #spn #supernatural #destiel fic #am writing #a sort of prequel to a fix it fic tbh #15x18 #Castiel’s confession #destiel handprint #profound bond #Dean Winchester is bi #Dean Winchester #you changed me dean #spnfamiiy #lazarus rising #Castiel

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hippychick006 · 4 years ago

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Misha Panel

I’ve done this summary as it helps to have what Misha actually says to hand as more often than not, his stans misquote him. It’s also useful as Misha often changes things - as he appears to have done between his last virtual panel and this one. Note, I’m only focusing on the key parts where he talks about the show/Jared/Jensen. It is not free of anti castiel/misha comments where I disagree, though those are few and far between for a change. It’s long so putting under a cut...

- Misha confirms his filming finished in March prior to Covid [this comes up later in more detail]. Watching the last epiosode was an emotional experience for him. For him, it represents the end of a chapter of his life.

- Misha says fandoms not going anywhere [*hisses]

- Misha’s future work/projects?: working on senate race in georgia, publishing a book of poetry, couple of film projects he’s trying to get off the ground, one he’s not acting/directing in, the other he may act and/or direct

- Jack brought Cass back but we didn’t get to see it, what happened?: different ending originally that Covid restrictions made impossible to produce. Cool ending involved bringing back lots of cast members over the years. In the original ending, Castiel hadn’t gone to rebuild heaven, there was a different conclusion for him. Misha purposely did not read the last two episodes before they aired as he wanted to be an audience member. He knew a little about Castiel/Jack’s fate in the abstract, but because he wasn’t in it, he doesn’t know what the answer was. He thinks them rebuilding heaven was less boots on the ground and more at a spiritual level [so he’s talking at the metaphysical/spiritual plane level and not corporeal) so they are everywhere (e.g. in drops of rain as per Jack’s speech to Sam in 19). That’s what I’m understanding at least. He says that’s pure speculation though.]

- what qualities does castiel have similar to Misha?: there are a lot of similar qualities [backstabber comes immediately to my mind tbh]. Over time he and the character melded. Over time he evolved into something that didn’t quite fit in with either angels or humanity, he felt like an outsider which Misha has felt for much of his life. He became softer, more sensitive, he tried to do the right thing and be a good person. Oh wow, he says that in order to write to play to Misha’s strengths, the character had to “morph a bit”. I loved bad!ass Castiel, he’s my favourite Castiel!

- What one thing will he take with him from playing Castiel?: on a professional level, it was fascinating to play a character for so many years. He discussed with J2 recently that the characters really became part of them. He doesn’t think that will happen again, just due to length of time the played them. On watching Jensen’s death scene, he cried but it was more “That’s Cass’ friend Dean dying” It was weird to have a blurring of lines between yourself and your character but he thinks that’s what happened with all of them. He’ll take the character away, which will be a part of him forever.

- Misha made fortune cookes and put inside lewd and inappropriate fortunes

[I don’t get this next bit as earlier in the panel he says he didn’t read the last two episodes so didn’t know what was going to happen and gave the answer I documented above and now we have this next question where his answer seems to contradict that]:

- Is there anything more he can say about the originally planned finale?: He doesn’t want to be the one to reveal these state secrets, but what are they going to do, fire him? He feels someone might have said to him, please don’t reveal what was going to happen, but can’t remember for sure if it’s true. He says there was a version of Sam and Dean’s heaven that was populated with all of the people that were from their past that they have come to love. They could not do that because of Covid restrictions.

- Favourite behind the scenes memory of “The boys”: He doesn’t have a favourite memory, they were close friends for 12 years. They had laughing fits and fights and got pissed off at each other. Some of his fondest memories of being at work anywhere were working on Supernatural. He’s never going to be on a set again where there is so much mirth so he’s going to miss that for sure.

- he’s talking about Castiel’s wardrobe which is actually funny - e.g. original suit 3 sizes to big, sometimes showing blood and holes, sometimes being magically fixed, not wearing a tie, going back to wearing a tie... “Nobody complained about that too much...” [uh because some of us were watching other things and your own stans were looking at the background.] He stole some trenchcoats and has them in his closet.

- How do you prepare for emotional scenes?: it’s hard for him to get into that emotional state. To prepare for the Castiel’s declaration of love scene and taken by the empty, Misha needs to be off by himself and not chatting with people, so for that scene he sat on his own in a dark corner of the stage and ruminated on his own. Rob Hayter, stunt coordinator, noticed and stood sentinel and made sure no one disturbed him which Misha said was really sweet. Everyone stopped fucking around for that scene to allow them to do what they needed to do.

- How did you feel when you read the script when Castiel dies?: Misha knew for a long time that ending was coming, he’d been speaking to Rob Berens about it, he was really happy with it. It was the ending he’d wanted for Cass so when he read the script, he was really happy it had made it to the page [i bet it was Misha, how are those destiel sales going through your Stands company?]. It felt it was a little “risky and a little brave” for the show to do [on a fucking network that is number one in Glaad reviews? Are you being fucking serious right now?] He was happy to be a part of that [again sales] and have that character express love like that so he was happy with it.

[Okay, so notice in his last virtual panel 2 weeks ago, he was very happy, he’s now starting to do exactly what he did with Karla movie as he goes on to say...]

He’s seen “some people” [you mean lgbtq+ people?!] “complaining” about this is playing into the “bury the gays” trope which is an insidious and real trope in film and television storytelling in h/w over the years. Misha doesn’t think that’s what was happening with Castiel’s [he died second after the confession MIsha!] First of all Castiel isn’t dead, he’s in heaven working to rebuild it... [you didn’t know this 2 weeks ago, as far as you knew Castiel died and went to the empty]. So much good came from that declaration, because Cass was able to save Dean, which was essential to saving the world, so this declaration wasn’t so then fate strikes you down and you’re done forever. The declaration literally ended up saving the world. It was of Cass’ own volition, he wasn’t forced to do it, it was his choice, and he thinks that’s important, so maybe he’s naieve and doesn’t feel they are playing into that trope.

[You were absolutely playing into that trope Misha and you didn’t give a shit as you did no research on playing an lgbtq+ character so sincerely fuck off]

He’s glad that Castiel got to express that and have that ending. He thinks thats kind of important and he’s proud the show did that. [again fuck off, this was done for you and it showed] He thinks its a conversation they will continue to have as they continue to dissect it going forward [nope, consigned to the dumpster fire I’ve put the majority of the rest of Drabbernatural in]

- Do you think you will ever get an SPN tattoo?: He doesn’t have any but he’s thinking about getting tattoos relating to his children. Is that a sign of desperation that a true hasbeen will do? Should he get a tattoo of Jared and Jensen’s face. He could get a tattoo of Castiel’s face on his abdomen. He’s saying probably not. If they want to get one, totally supportive of that

- what is his favourite moment of the finale?: Dean’s death scene, masterfully executed, excellent performances from both Jared and Jensen in that scene and made him cry

- best memory of your last day on the supernatural set?: everyone being really sweet, lot of tears from cast and crew. The last scene he shot as Castiel was the last scene of the day on a Friday. Him, Alex, Richard S and Jensen all had to get to Las Vegas for a fan convention the next morning. They shot late and finished at 1.30, it was Cass goodbye and Misha’s goodbye to the show. He said they had to get a chartered flight because of the early flight [not sure why he’s saying this as I thought it was Jared’s plane they all travelled in?] He’s talking about going back - because of the issue with the plane - and they are all texting family, saying they love them, so it was such a strange night, he’d said goodbye to Supernatural, he said goodbye to Castiel and later on said goodbye to his kids because they thought they were going to die that night. :(

[Going to add that this puts to rest that Misha was due back for 19 and 20 even before covid, it confirms he was not going to be in either episode, though I maintain, they may have shot an extra scene while they had him to slot into 19 or 20]

- do you think Cass and the other angels got their wings back?: Yes, probably, they have Jack who is the new god. What a long and miserable experience that was of not having wings. Cass was so powerful when he started, he could snap his fingers and teleport and time travel and lost that with his broken wings and they didn’t come back. He doesn’t know why they didn’t fix him as Castiel would have been a much more powerful ally if he didn’t have to drive around in the pimp mobile [uh, for the same reason Sam lost his powers, deus ex machina]. He tells the story of Jared pressing buttons in the car causing the hydraulics to fail costing $10000 of repair.

- in your opinion, what colour are Castiels wings?: shit, I don’t know, I always thought they were black, but now that you’ve said that, they are rainbow coloured, how about that?

- What is the worst joke Jared and Jensen did to you?: [*cough fans looking for things to complain about or hate Jared on]: Jared and Jensen, as you know, they are not good people. He talks about directing an episode and they got excited in the week before, they were going to break into his apartment and steal his furniture, they had all kinds of nefarious plans, the crew tipped him off and told him to watch his home and car keys. They put a fish under the seat in his car and one of the crew told him. Jared removed the canvas on the director’s chair and laid it across so it looked like it was still the chair. Misha fell for that at least 5 times. That was pretty frustrating. Jared kept messing up his lines (which Misha said Jared never does) and Misha was directing in another room, Misha eventually went to see what the problem was and that’s when Jared pied him in the face. Everyone in the crew was complicit in the “assault”. Jensen brought him another shirt, said, “I’m sorry man, that’s sucks, that was too much.” Jensen then pied him in the face.

- What is the real story behind the handprint in the finale?: Um I don't know, but I think it was a nice touch, that was a really lovely callback that worked well. I can’t remember how we came up with that, or was it in the script, I can’t remember. Wasn’t it a good callback to the very beginning. [Again, this appears to differ from what was being reported two weeks ago so might need to go back to that panel if I can get access to it]

-What’s your favourite memory from offline/online panels?: It’s much more fun to be live and in person. I don’t know, I have had some really fun... [PANDERING ALERT COMING UP] Jensen and I have some really fun panels together in Rome. I don’t know why but we always just seem to have a real hoot there, talks about the resume off, they really enjoyed that. He had pizza delivered to a creation panel once. He talks about the Saturday night special and he can’t wait till they can get back to that.

[NOTE CYNICAL PART OF THIS IS FOR HIS FANBASE TO ONCE AGAIN CLAMOUR FOR MORE JENMISH PANELS. I DO NOT TRUST THIS MAN AT ALL]

- What was your favourite version of Castiel to play?: he had the most fun playing Lucifer because Mark P had left a great template to play Lucifer [you took the worst parts imo but Mark fucked his character up too]. He enjoyed playing the human parts of Castiel because it was fun to explore how to be human for the first time. Overall, just regular Cass. He wouldn’t have wanted to trade regular Castiel for other iterations. [A great question would be badass Castiel v late season wooby castiel preference]

#anti misha #anti castiel

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miiishha · 4 years ago

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i'm genuinely tired of seeing so many memes about destiel becoming canon

i admit i did find some of them pretty funny in the beginning but tbh i think a lot of it is just people making fun of something they don't even fully understand

majority of people who make them haven't watched spn in years or even never did, they either only saw the destiel scene or just other memes and want to join in on the joke but remember there are people who care about the show and it's a pretty big deal for us

ever since cas made the deal with the empty, we knew the moment he'd be truly happy would definitely have something to do with dean and look, we were right

i don't think this scene was homophobic, it was exactly the way we all thought destiel would ever become canon - i mean... every time these two dumbasses get to expressing feelings or opening up and being vulnerable, one of them is dying or in danger or some other crazy shit is happening

that's just what deancas relationship is, it's always been that way and we all know that

dean's reaction was not homophobic or ooc

i can't stress this enough, dean was in complete shock when it all happened.. freaking death is banging on the door, he thinks they are all going to die and now his best friend starts telling him all this stuff and gets the most emotional he's ever been in front of dean, god dammit it's like the first time he's ever even seen cas cry like that

do y'all know how stressful and overwhelming getting all that information at once must have been? and dean being his repressed self obviously couldn't have processed that in the matter of seconds! even though he has grown as a character and did actually become more open with his emotions, especially with cas, it's not like he would just blurt an i love you too (which obviously he does, i don't even care what anyone says, it was a romantic confession and dean loves cas back periodt)

i understand why some people see cas getting "dragged to super mega hell" as the bury your gays trope but i honestly think they're not going to just leave cas in the empty, there's a bunch of reasons why that would be way too stupid even for spn writers lmao

i mean you never know what's gonna happen with this show but if they actually leave cas like this i'm gonna be disappointed - maybe i'm a clown but i still have hope our baby in a trenchcoat is coming back for the finale

anywho to end this brain diarrhea of mine, i just wish people would be a bit more considerate of fans who actually watch the show and love and care about the characters

#castiel #deancas #destiel #spn final season #spnfandom #supernatural #supernatural s15

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sparrowsabre7 · 4 years ago

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Thoughts on the Snyder Cut Chapter 6 of 6

The awful “you smell good” line is changed back to the original “you spoke” which clearly couldn’t be used in the Josstice cut since dark Superman was a lot more chatty there, whereas he is entirely silent in the Snyder Cut to this moment.

We take a bit more time to breathe on Clark’s return before going into the Batcave for what I think is the first time as a group in this version. I actually quite enjoyed Barry whizzing round the cave in Josstice as a bit of humour that actually made sense to me. Here he just says “wow!” which is now coloured a little by the death mere minutes before or his new friend’s dad...

There is a nice “This is Alfred, I work for him” from Bruce and Alfred despairing of where he’s going to find enough tea cups, a wry commentary on the fact he’s never really needed more than 2.

More breathing with Clark, though this movie seems to do nothing but breathe sometimes... he mentions Lois’s ring which I don’t think was brought up in Josstice, but despite spending more time with Lois, the moment still doesn’t really feel earned. Martha is then reunited with her boy too, again feeling unearned since this is actually the first we see of her this film.

Bruce acknowledges the dream sequences from Batman V Superman in a scene that adds nothing but act as an ominous teaser before they embark on the Flying Fox (fixed by Cyborg in another addition with little actual purpose not least because the exchange between Cyborg and Bruce makes no sense “It wanted to fly, it’s in her nature” “Yours too” - we’ve already seen Cyborg fly like 20 times already). We get a brief planning scene and then it’s off to the final boss!

But not before we have another fatherly advice montage - this time for Clark from the disembodied voices of his two dads as he sadly wanders around the ship before emerging in the infamous silver and black suit.

This scene is nice though, mirroring the emergence from “Man of Steel” and showcasing his improved mastery of flight, paying homage to the films that came before. Ah spoke too soon, ruined with a jesus shot that smacks you over the head so hard you’ll get concussion.

The team disembarks and zooms into battle, the batmobile sequence is still a highlight and I don’t think much has changed from it, nothing that jumped out at me at least.

There’s a scene added back in with Clark visiting Alfred, which was on the original disc as a deleted scene. I understood why it was deleted then and it adds little here too, save for logistically explaining how Superman knows where the team is.

Wonder Woman, Cyborg and Aquaman confront Steppenwolf. REALLY fucking sick of that wail now. This doesn’t seem dramatically altered, meanwhile Barry is off doing a big run to charge up Cyborg.

While this may have more narrative purpose than the saving the Russian family scene from Josstice (which I loathed, that family sideplot was SO dumb) it still relegates Barry to basically not doing much. Also, he gets tripped up by a blast from a gun, he’s faster than fucking sound, there should be no reason he got hit by that. Also, oh my goodness is Ezra Miller (who is otherwise pretty solid) gurning it up over his injury...

Superman appears and it is a lot more badass than in the 2017 cut, but it does IMMEDIATELY raise the question (again) of what is the point of the other League members. He tears Steppenwolf apart with greater ease than he fought Zod or Doomsday and yet, this guy is meant to be this incredible force to be reckoned with.

Meanwhile the mother box pulling apart doesn’t go so well, so all the other Leaguers literally stand and watch as Cyborg fails to pull them apart waiting on Barry as a portal to Darkseid opens. The boxes explode and Barry goes back in time to undo it, forcing me to ask again, my god, why DOES he move his arms like that when he runs?

Jesus we’re still 30 minutes from the end and we’re still doing vision sequences fuck me. I am so tired now. I just want it to end.

Ok the mother boxes are freaky demons in the vision showing Victor a life he could have. He ultimately rejects it and pushes them apart with Superman’s help (this seems to take basically no effort on Superman’s part compared with Josstice where it knocked both of them to the ground.) They then decapitate the basically beaten Steppenwolf (and use what I hope to christ is the last Amazon wail) for the body to fly through the portal and the team to have a good stareoff with Darkseid before he teases a now defunct sequel with generic bad guy statements.

A very slow mo team pose closes out the battle and still doesn’t accomplish the same level of “fuck yeah” in 1 minute and 34 seconds (I counted) that “Avengers” did in 10 seconds with the 360 degree shot.

The epilogue begins and Cyborg magics his dad’s tape recorder back together to listen to his message. I don’t know how, I guess because he’s part motherbox? Arthur heads off to find his own solo movie, hopping in the back of a truck amusingly paralleling the scene in “Endgame” where Hulk visits New Asgard (though unintentional of course). Ryan Choi is there to remind us Ryan Choi was in this movie. Bruce and Alfred set up the Hall of Justice which seems unchanged, and then Barry showing his father he’s got a job in a crime lab, which now has added “foot in the door” content. Bruce helps Clark’s mum move back in, “I did a mistake” and “bought the bank” quotes still intact. Wonder Woman looks mournfully at the amazon arrow (sans wail) and then Barry manages to look even sillier when running. Batman stands atop the bat-tank from “The Dark Knight Returns” in another neat piece of fanservice that makes little sense, before Clark removes his specs and rips open his shirt to the S; something which definitely has less of an impact in the black and silver than in the red, blue, and yellow.

We now come to the post-credity end of the movie (even though it’s pre-credits) with Luthor having escaped jail. Deathstroke also heads up to Luthor’s yacht as in Josstice’s post-credits but the context is changed dramatically, with it being about a personal hit on Batman (who took Slade’s eye apparently) rather than building the legion of doom.

Ok, boy, still not done, more endings than Return of the King this one. We’ve jumped into the Knightmare world again, apropos of nothing. IN fairness, trenchcoat Batman is absolutely a look. Mera and Cyborg are there because reasons. As is Jared Leto Joker who sounds and overacts like an anime villain. A reacharound joke. hilarious. I actually tried defending Leto’s Joker back in the Suicide Squad era, but there’s no salvaging him. I wanted to give it the benefit of the doubt but he’s just so cringeworthy. Oh apparently Harley Quinn is dead in this timeline. Batman also says “make no mistake I will fucking kill you” with all the conviction of a man establishing his consumer rights to a no questions asked refund. Ok Deathstroke is there too. With a mohawk. Barry has his time travel armour from BVS and then Superman shows up.

Bruce now wakes up (jesus fuck, let it END) and Martian Manhunter is at his window which doesn’t seem to phase Bruce in the slightest, dispensing “an army is coming, we need to fight” platitudes. Ben Affleck seems to be playing this scene like he’s Ryan Reynolds (and tbh that’s actually working for me).

And it’s over. I’ve ranted long enough here so I will summarise in a final post

#snyder cut #justice league #films #reviews

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meta-squash · 5 years ago

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A ramble on Dallas Theater Center Les Miserables

So, 5 years late, I jumped back on the bandwagon and finally watched a bootleg of Dallas Theater Center’s 2014 production of Les Miserables.

And wow. I can’t believe I waited 5 damn years to watch it. So here’s a long rambling write up on it based on the live-tweeting I was doing as I watched (and a little bit on me skipping through the bootleg video right now). It’s partly just me summarizing scenes so I can nerd out about the little details I loved and towards the end me talking about the show as a whole and why it was so fucking important.

First of all I wanna say that I'm surprised it took this long for a professional theater company to do a "modern day" Les Mis. I know all the fans fucking love their Modern AUs fics, I've been reading them since like 2012 and I love them. But also I'm SO glad someone finally did it because Les Miserables' themes are universal and they are amazing but they're also really relevant to what's going on today, or 5 years ago (since it's only gotten fucking worse tbh).

My first big impression was how great the costuming was. You can tell the socioeconomic class of the characters just from what they’re wearing, from how they posture and interact with others. Which is easy when it’s period costuming, you just make everyone look dirty and ripped up vs not dirty, but this (aside from the Thenardiers) is a little more subtle.

Also re: the costuming, I absolutely LOVE that they modernized Javert’s costume into a cop’s uniform but managed to retain the classic Javert Silhouette by giving him that trenchcoat, so we still get the expected Inspector Javert Silhouette despite the fact that he’s a modern day cop. Also all of the other cops/soldiers being straight up SWAT was an excellent decision, not only because it shows the sheer violence of a police that isn’t supposed to necessarily be SWAT, but also because the helmets completely cover their heads, so when the soldiers sing lines, they don’t even sound human. Yet another layer.

Nehal Joshi as Valjean was great. Honestly the moment I keep thinking about is actually from the very beginning, just after Valjean is released. Joshi looks so happy, delighted, like his heart is light again. He smiles as he sings “ Drink from the pool / How clean the taste” while looking up into the sky like he’s amazed at being in the open air. Then suddenly his posture changes completely, becomes guarded and hard, his expression gets closed off, and he sings “Never forget the years, the waste” before thumbing at his nose in that tough way and grabbing his bag off the ground. It was an emphasis on a pair of lines that I’ve never seen properly emphasized before. Usually the emphasis is on the next lines, when Valjean is saying “Now let’s see / what this new world has in store for me”. But here they emphasize that despite being free, he has traumas he has to deal with, and experiences that mean he’s wary of the world. It makes his theft of the silver make a lot more sense; it’s not just opportunistic, it’s also that he straight up doesn’t trust anybody.

(Another note on costumes: Valjean’s post-prison costume is his orange jumpsuit with this weird ratty, torn up sweater thing over it. I do very much wish they’d given him a hoodie that was equally as ratty instead of a sweater because I feel like that would’ve been another interesting layer of commentary.)

Two notes I made specifically about this production’s Soliloquy: This production had Valjean rip his prison papers accidentally, while he’s in the middle of an emotional gesture, then he stares at the rip in disbelief, and comes to the realization that he could just rip it up, and so he does. I thought that was a very cool mechanic. The audience literally watches him get the idea of changing who he is. Also, when he sings “I am reaching, but I fall / And the night is closing in” he actually wraps the rope of his bag around his own neck, like he’s considering death, like he doesn’t know what to do with himself. I thought it was really interesting considering those are the lines that directly mirror/parallel Javert’s Suicide.

This production also has all the Bad People roles played by white people, which is just fantastic. The foreman, Javert, all the cops, etc etc. I thought it was an excellent decision, since all of the main characters (minus the revolutionaries) are POC.

Fantine was amazing, has an incredible voice, and her I Dreamed A Dream sounded genuinely miserable, almost frantic with the fact that not only is she a single mother struggling to pay for her child who’s living with some other family, she now has nowhere to turn for money at all, and she’s completely alone. I think she’s my favorite Fantine of any of the ones I saw.

And Lovely Ladies absolutely blew me away. This was the first Lovely Ladies I’ve ever seen that felt Real. Not just that there was sex going on (because there was, there’s people fucking and getting blowjobs etc in the background the entire time), but it doesn’t feel like something silly or shallow. The entire thing feels desperate and exploitative and miserable and painful. Most of the other characters are dressed in provocative, revealing clothes. But there are a few in just jeans and t-shirts, looking desperate and kind of bedraggled. And then you have Fantine, who is literally just in a slip and long socks, looking out of place and terrified.

The usual Lovely Ladies shenanigans do ensue, but there’s a tinge of horribleness to it that is sharper than in the traditional show. In the traditional show, the moment where the music suddenly slows, and all the women sing “Lovely ladies / Going for a song / Got a lot of callers / But they never stay for long”, it usually feels like kind of a weird and unprompted moment of introspection after so much ruckus, but in this version the reason everyone slows down is because the pimp plucks their cash out of each of their hands one by one. And then the horribleness is increased tenfold because all of the women are in a line with men behind them simulating sex, and Fantine is in the center, bent double, the Captain behind her, staring down the audience. With each thrust she grits her words out like she’s in pain in every way imaginable. And the Captain ‘finishes’ just as she hits the line “dead!” Which is just. A lot. But so good. It packs so much more of a punch than Fantine leading the Captain offstage, or to one side of the stage.

The way that Confrontation was staged was also so cool to me. In the shows I’ve seen the first part of Confrontation is Javert and Valjean facing off with Javert stage left and Valjean kind of up beside Fantine’s bed, but they’re on the same “level,” in that Valjean walks a few paces forward a few lines later and they grapple. In this version, they stood quite literally on either side of Fantine’s hospital bed, so that they’re arguing across her dead body.

Madame Thenardier made me think of a bizarre cross between Miss Hannigan, the mom from Matilda, and Patsy Stone from Absolutely Fabulous. She did a great job. M Thenardier is a douchey hipster pirate type guy with white guy dreads. Also they made him an ex-con as well, but he displays the numbers tattooed on his chest with pride compared to Valjean who hides them, which was yet another interesting decision.

This version of Les Mis has taught me that “My mom doesn’t let me drink” is the absolute BEST piece of spoken dialogue you could throw in before Master Of The House kicks the fuck off.

Also this version has Eponine participating in the scams during Master Of The House: she takes peoples’ orders, carries plates, dances, etc. She’s cleaner and more pampered than Cosette, but she’s still being used.

Look Down was really interesting to me. Now, I think what I’m about to say is partly informed by costuming. That is, I think with period costuming an audience has a harder time distinguishing more subtle roles between (non-main) characters. What I mean is, in traditional Look Down, it just seems like three characters having an argument with each other, but with a modernized version the costuming makes it clear that it’s an old beggar woman, a prostitute, and her pimp. While that’s obvious from the actual dialogue, the period costuming makes it a little harder to glean the separate character types other than “beggar type”. Anyway, the roles being clearer via costuming makes all the interactions seem a lot more Real. It’s not just people all dressed alike singing lines at each other, it’s actual separate people having actual conflicts.

Also, I really really liked Mark Hancock as Gavroche. He’s older, or at least bigger, than most kids who end up playing Gavroche, and he’s not the most beautiful singer, but I think that works all the better for a production like this one. He’s not a cutesy Oliver Twist-type character. He’s a kid living rough on the streets, and he’s got a sense of humor but he is a badass.

This version also had a LOT more flirtatious behavior between Marius and Cosette. Like it’s not just one glance on the street. During The Robbery, Marius and Cosette are giving little glances and flirty waves the whole time, all shy and cute, little hand signals like “I want to talk to you oh my god” etc. Also this Cosette has glasses! She’s so cute!

Stars as a song feels very weird when it’s a Modern Day Cop singing about such a philosophical topic, and at first I was kinda ??? about it. Because you know, in a period piece, you kind of expect more elaborate language, you expect certain types of morality, etc. It sounds weird coming out of someone dressed like a pig you’d see on the street in real life. But then at the end of the song Javert takes a rosary out of his breast pocket to sing “Lord let me find him...” etc, and suddenly it actually made a lot of sense. It finally connected the religious references and morality displayed in the lyrics. Because a lot of shitty cops in real life are masquerading as Christians, so again, a good decision.

Ah, the ABC Cafe. Always lovely to hear those horns. John Campione was AMAZING as Enjolras. At first I was a little disappointed they made him a white guy, but then I thought about it and it actually makes a lot of sense. Despite his passion about justice etc, Brick Enjolras is a wealthy student; what better way to show his privilege in a modern setting than to have him be white? Anyway, I think Campione did a great job of portraying a leader who is so passionate, and so dedicated, and so intent on his cause but also kind of stressed out as the day draws nearer. (More on that later.)

Similarly, this Grantaire is a little shit. He does this hilarious like “call on me!” hand raise before “I am agog, I am aghast” which I thought was quite funny and cute. Also after “It’s better than an opera,” the Amis all laugh and clap, and Enjolras does this extremely sarcastic slow clapping before admonishing Marius with “It is time for us all to decide who we are” etc. Also Grantaire and Enjolras are actually standing beside each other for Marius lines, so that when he says “struck to the bone in a moment of breathless delight,” Grantaire looks directly at Enjolras and stays staring at him, so that when he moves downstage to stand across from Marius and sing “Red!” and “Black!” at him, it feels more like solidarity than mocking.

But then Enjolras pulls Marius further downstage for his “Marius you are no longer a child” etc lines. His body language is great here. When he sings “Who cares about your lonely soul,” he doesn’t just look like some charismatic leader man. He looks like someone who’s stressed out and a little annoyed/exasperated that this person is causing a distraction right when things are started to get important. He runs his hands through his hair, his gestures are clipped and fast, like he’s got too much energy and isn’t quite sure where to put it. It’s so good. He sings “Our little lives don’t count at all.” And then there’s a long, long moment of silence. A long one, where Marius looks around at his friends and realization that what they’re undertaking is much bigger than his emotional outburst, that Enjolras is right and he has to be with them instead of off in the clouds. And he raises his hand tentatively and then more surely towards Enjolras and sings that next “Red! The blood of angry men!” all on his own before the rest of the Amis join in. GREAT decisions there. SO COOL. (Also this is the moment when an Amis Hand Sign is established, which is important later on.)

This show uses silence in a way that I’ve never really seen another version do it. After Gavroche yells “General Lamarque is dead!” there’s usually a beat of silence before Enjolras begins to sing. In this version there is a long, long moment of silence when everyone looks around at each other, a moment where Joly tosses his pamphlet angrily onto the table and sits down with his head in his hands, a moment where Marius and Grantaire are the only two who turn away and face upstage at the news, a moment where they all process that this is fucking Real, and everything that they’ve been planning is suddenly Actually Happening. And then Enjolras begins, and his voice is so soft, and so sad, and it’s like he’s delivering a eulogy, but it’s only when he gets to “Is the sign we await!” and we get those trumpets that it changes into Enjolras The Leader, and it’s go time, and everything is Intense. Campione is fantastic as Enjolras because I think often people play Enjolras as this solid, charismatic leader who is stoney-faced and sure of himself etc. Which works for the period style (and is fairly Brick-accurate), but I think would seem a little odd in a modern day setting. This Enjolras is in it, he’s into it, he’s fucking intense and ablaze with energy. He sings Do You Hear The People Sing like he’s giving a speech, like he’s trying to convince (And “the real glory is to convince” so y’know).

And Do You Hear The People Sing as a campaigning song is brilliant. It starts out not with march, but with handing out fliers made of red paper, passing them out and getting out the word. Only then do they pull out signs and put on red caps and start marching.

In My Life/A Heart Full Of Love was so fucking hilariously cute. Marius and Cosette are both excellent levels of awkward, and there’s a lot of nonverbal flirting going on, and I just thought it was really well done.

I was told while I was live-tweeting that during One Day More the sort of dancing march they do (because it’s like a dance, instead of the in-place marching of the traditional version) is actually the Toyi-Toyi, a South African dance that was used as a form of protest during Apartheid and during other times as well. So that was a very cool addition. I’m sure there are other callbacks in this show to other protests or protest traditions like that that I didn’t even catch. The dance also reminded me of the body percussion used in A Quoi Tu Danses from 1789: Les Amants De La Bastille, so that was cool as well. We also get face paint and signs and red berets and button pins and a lot of stuff that has been seen in a lot of modern protests/movements lately.

Side note: Javert’s disguise is amazing because he retains his cop boots and trousers and crisp white shirt; he just puts a brown jacket and a red scarf over it and wears a red beret.

OKay SO. This is possibly the BEST On My Own I’ve ever seen. Now, I’m highly partial to Briana Carlson-Goodman as Eponine because the emotion in her voice is just mind-blowing. But this On My Own was so amazing. First of all, I’m amazed I’ve never seen any other production do this: when Eponine sings “pretending he’s beside me”, she puts out her hand like she’s holding some imaginary lover’s hand, like she’s genuinely imagining him walking with her, and it made her self-deception that much sadder. And this version was so good, I think because it was this perfect combination of angry and disappointed and yearning and self-deceiving. You can tell this Eponine KNOWS she’s deluding herself that Marius will ever love her, that she’s hugely disappointed and almost angry at that fact, but she still loves him and wants him and wants that love, and it just makes that self-deception all the stronger.

This version of Les Mis brings the barricade in as a flown set piece, which I think is an interesting decision. I definitely prefer the US Tour version, where the downstage scrim is backlit/lifted and both the audience and Eponine are suddenly confronted with the fully-built barricade. However, the barricade being flown in does give the Barricade Boys a moment to stand and admire their handiwork, so that’s kind of also cool.

(Somewhat unrelated, but throughout the show this Grantaire is a lot more still than other actors’ versions of R, but also more still than the other Amis in this show, so it’s clearly a choice. Other version of R are slumped over a table or slumped on the ground a lot, or they’re wobbly, or just generally restless and upset. This R is so still and just standing unmoved and blank it’s definitely a choice. Very much taking the “he seemed to be waiting there for a bullet which should spare him the trouble of waking” quote from the Brick and translating it to the stage version, in that he does move to shoot his gun but aside from that he’s so stock still it’s like he’s given up. Anyway. Back to the actual show instead of me just waxing lyrical about my favorite character.

When Eponine climbs over the barricade, Marius waves down all the guns just as Joly yells “There’s a boy climbing the barricade!” This kind of happens in other versions, but it seems like most of the traditional Les Mis versions all the Barricade Boys just kind of accept someone’s climbing the barricade and let Eponine over? In this one Marius like actually is waving down their guns, blatantly being like “don’t shoot, I know this person.”

And when Eponine is revealed to be shot, they don’t just let her die in Marius’ arms. The first half of A Little Fall Of Rain is sung with Eponine in Marius’ arms, but there’s also Feuilly there as a medic, pressing handkerchiefs to her wound, his hand on her with Marius’ hand on top of his and Eponine’s on top of them both. When Marius is saying “and you will live ‘Ponine,” medic/Feuilly shakes his head at him as if to say, ‘don’t tell her that, she’s not going to make it, I’m so sorry,’ but he still has his hand on her wound. It’s only when she sings “Just hold me now, and let it be” that Eponine pushes the medic/Feuilly away so she can die just with Marius. I really, really, really loved that because it seems so Right. Like, they’re fighting for a better world, they’re not just going to let an injured person die, they’re going to try their best to help her even if she’s dying and there’s nothing they can do. And I really liked that there was a medic there, but he was faced upstage, away from the audience, as if he was trying to help but also not intrude on this private moment. But when Eponine does push him away, he goes fairly easily, like he’s realized that she’s realized that she’s going to die. Also, instead of carrying Eponine offstage like a ragdoll, Grantaire and Feuilly bring over a stretcher and she’s carried off in it by Marius and Feuilly while Grantaire collects the handkerchiefs that were bloodied by her wound.

Valjean’s soldier disguise is the SWAT gear, even the helmet, although he mostly carries it in his hand rather than wearing it. It’s interesting because the difference between the SWAT gear and the suits he wears as Fauchelevent are a hugely stark difference, whereas the difference between his nice period clothes and the soldier’s period uniform isn’t quite so intense.

I noticed that during Drink With Me, Joly put his hand on Grantaire’s shoulder during “Let the wine of friendship never run dry,” which is sweet. I also noticed that aside from the moments where he was shooting his gun and the few moments he was being helpful re: Eponine’s death, Grantaire spends most of his time very very still, staring down at the floor with his shoulders slumped. He judges moments with just a shake of the head and turning away while others watch. His part in Drink With Me is sung with a bitterness that is more final than it is angry, like he can’t understand why they’ve all chosen to sacrifice themselves like this and he hates it and he’s bitter that all his friends are going to die but he’s realized there’s nothing he can do about it.

Bring Him Home is SUCH a hard song to sing and it’s actually really interesting in this version, I think. Because in traditional shows I think Valjean is played as a fairly calm person who is just always calm. Joshi plays his Valjean like he has taught himself to be calm, but inside he’s still kind of angry and traumatized and still has those instincts and still doesn’t quite know whether to believe in god or not, or something like that. So Bring Him Home is a moment where it seems like at first he’s just hoping, and then by the end of the song he’s genuinely imploring god to save Marius. Like it’s the first time he’s ever really begged a higher power to do something instead of just acting of his own power to make the good happen. I have no idea if I’m articulating myself well.

Again, Campione is a FANTASTIC Enjolras who plays him like a stressed out passionate leader who is constantly stuck between This Is Finally Real Hooray and Holy Shit This Is Too Fucking Real Oh God. In The Second Attack he portrays it really well, looking around at all the people he suddenly feels responsible for, body language like he’s trying to make too many split-second decisions. It’s just really good.

Death Of Gavroche is also great because even though this Gavroche is not the best singer, he gets shot once and keeps reaching for the bullets, and only stops when they riddle him with bullets. Also, I didn’t realize this until skipping around in the video to write this, but I think they kind of tried to retain some of the Gavroche-Grantaire relationship that the US Tour established? Grantaire goes from being kinda listless stage left to bolting over to the barricade once Gavroche starts climbing, reaching for him desperately; he gets shot in the leg and goes down and spends the rest of Gavroche’s lines up to his death with his head in his hands. Once Gavroche dies, Enjolras actually checks on Grantaire and wraps a tourniquet around his leg while Feuilly and Marius tend to Gavroche’s body.

Marius gets a thigh injury during The Final Battle (we know this because this production shows Actual Blood! Gavroche is actually bleeding! Eponine, too! And Marius! And Enjolras! Like there’s actual red and it makes it so much more intense! Anyway, Marius gets a bullet to the thigh, which frankly I think makes a lot more sense than the shoulder injury he gets in canon at least in terms of him being unconscious for so long (although I guess in canon he also has at least one head injury so meh). Anyway, Valjean sees it and immediately tourniquets him as one by one all the revolutionaries are picked off by bullets.

This Enjolras death is my favorite I’ve ever seen. We don’t get a permets-tu scene, but that’s okay because this is fantastic in another way. Enjolras doesn’t die on the barricade.

Enjolras is standing center stage, the bodies of his friends around him. He’s shot once, in the stomach, and goes down on all fours. As he’s on the floor, SWAT cops surround him, pointing machine guns straight at him. Enjolras struggles up, standing, and faces the cops and the audience. He raises his hand in a defiant fist to the air and is shot in the head.

Then there is a long, long stretch of silence. Quite literally an entire minute (I just counted) of silence, where there is no music, no speaking, nothing. Just the sounds of SWAT walking around, checking the bodies on the floor, and the indistinct sound of walky-talky chatter. Only after a whole minute of silence has passed and the SWAT leave the stage do the little plucked notes and the clarinet playing the Bring Him Home instrumental begin as Valjean stands up.

Valjean actually goes over and checks Enjolras’ pulse to see if he could possibly be alive, which I think hurts A Lot. And then there’s a moment where he looks around at all the bodies on the floor and kind of doubles over in shock, but only for a moment, and then he’s bolting back over to Marius to make sure he’s still breathing and then heaving him up into his arms.

(By the way, the bodies of the revolutionaries remain onstage through all of the proceeding songs.)

Dog Eat Dog is a boring, crap song in every production, and this one is no exception. The guy playing Thenardier is quite good but there’s really no way to redeem how boring a song Dog Eat Dog is. Also, this version cuts out the long instrumental part of Valjean walking with Marius through the sewer due to the fact that they don’t have that crazy projection thing. Instead it’s just a few seconds of him dragging Marius before encountering Thenardier and then also a few seconds before encountering Javert. Also, Valjean straight up puts his chest against Javert’s gun while he’s asking to save Marius’ life. Brave as fuck.

Okay this Javert’s Suicide was mostly really really good. Edward Watts gives Javert this sort of frantic emotion that Valjean spared him on the barricade and then is only asking to save this stranger. He looks genuinely freaked out and distressed. It’s not just confusion, it’s like actual Freaking Out. The only part I didn’t like was the actual throwing himself off the bridge part, but honestly I feel like there really is no way to do that part in a way that isn’t a little ridiculous-seeming. It’s hard to have a show where they never had any sort of fly rigs or any special types of practical effects at all and then suddenly there’s a guy flying through the air? and take that seriously. I dunno. But in any case, the rest of it is really good because the frantic confusion and questioning and anger and sadness and everything is so well done. Also, he takes his cross out of his pocket and drops it on the ground before he jumps, like he believes even god has failed him.

And then the lights return and the bodies of the revolutionaries are still onstage, with police tape cordoning them off. Turning begins with women in black mourning clothes coming onstage: at first they stand behind the tape with candles and flowers and teddy bears, then someone breaks the tape and they move to sit beside the bodies and set flowers down beside them. As Turning is going on, as the women move to sit beside the bodies, Marius also enters and sits in a chair upstage.

So Empty Chairs At Empty Tables happens with the bodies of the revolutionaries lying on the floor right in front of Marius, and women in black kneeling beside the bodies, facing upstage. But as Marius sings “Phantom faces at the window, phantom shadows on the floor,” the revolutionaries rise and move downstage, looking at him. They all make their little group hand sign before exiting, until it’s just Enjolras looking at him, then he makes the sign as well and exits and Marius is left alone with the mourning women in front of him and his hand raised in farewell. It’s just SO GOOD because I think it makes it all the more real. It feels like he’s actually singing to the bodies of his friends as well as their memories, like he’s full of survivor’s guilt and he’s watching them walk away from him and doesn’t know what to do. Combining the Turning Women’s mourning with Marius’ mourning is really cool, because it shows it’s really not just Marius that’s affected by this, and essentially he’s singing Empty Chairs for himself as well as the women in mourning kneeling on the stage before him.

Side note: Dorcas Leung, who plays Cosette, is a True Fucking Soprano. Her voice is SO high. It’s wild. Like, really wild. Like, glass-breaking high but in a good way. Also she’s really cute.

Anyway, the next thing I took note of was Valjean telling Marius why he was leaving without telling Cosette goodbye. He sings “Promise me, Monsieur, Cosette will never know” and puts his hand out in a way that’s partially imploring, and partially asking for a handshake on the promise. Marius says “For the sake of Cosette, it must be so,” but pointedly does not shake his hand. He’s going to honor the promise but he’s not gonna fucking like it.

Wedding Chorale/Beggars At The Feast is mostly unremarkable except that Mme Thenardier is dressed like Cruella de Ville. Oh, and Thenardier gets a kick in the balls instead of a punch to the face from Marius. Also the actor who played Combeferre and the actor who played Bossuet are dancing together so during Beggars At The Feast when Thenardier sings “This one’s a queer, but what can you do?”, the Combeferre actor does a little wave.

I’ve always hated in the musical that Valjean goes from being perfectly healthy to straight up dying in a matter of minutes but I also understand that montages of like a year are hard to do in musical format, so I forgive it but it’s still annoying.

Anyway, this Epilogue is FUCKING FANTASTIC. Valjean does this beautiful laugh of relief and amazement when Fantine tells him “And you will be with god” like he’s still amazed after all these years that he’s a Good Person Who Deserves Heaven.

Also, Fantine sits down on the bench beside Valjean, and then when Marius and Cosette enters, Cosette runs and sits down between Valjean and Fantine, facing Valjean, and there’s a moment where Fantine smiles in disbelief and strokes Cosette’s hair like “oh my god this is my daughter!”

Finally, the fucking kicker for me: “Take my hand, I’ll lead you to salvation / Take my love, for love is everlasting.” That’s always the moment in the show when I start actually crying and this one made it even sadder: Eponine is not the only one to enter in that moment. Eponine enters singing the duet with Fantine like usual, but Enjolras and Gavroche also enter, standing behind her, not singing.

This was such a great, fascinating, unique decision, and I fucking loved it. Because with that group, you have all the types of love and belief that are Important in the Brick: Fantine, the love of a mother. Valjean, the love of a father and the faith and belief that comes from someone else suddenly believing in you and the goodness that is a result of that. Marius and Cosette, romantic love, but also love of children and chosen family. Eponine, unrequited love and sacrifice. Gavroche, not necessarily love but an innocent death, a death from the goodness that comes from wanting to help. And Enjolras, the love of the people, the belief in the people, love of patria and the belief in justice. Just all of these important symbols standing together.

Then Do You Hear The People Sing reprise starts up, and the rest of the cast enter and stand at the edges of the stage around the group at center before everyone scatters out and spreads across the stage.

So basically that was an incredible fucking show. Like, okay. Since joining the Les Mis fandom in late 2011-ish or something I've read A LOT of Les Mis fanfics, I've read the entire book, seen the show live half a dozen times plus a ton of filmed boots and movie adaptations and last year's BBC miniseries. I've got a Les Mis tattoo and I'm vaguely thinking of getting another one. I've read fanfic taking place in canon era, modern day, Mai 1968, the 90s, the 40s, and on and on. All of them are important because all of them interpret the themes differently. Basically what I'm saying is I've consumed A Lot of Les Miserables.

But this version of Les Mis is So Important. Like, it's important enough I'm really surprised they didn't give in to the call for a DVD recording back in 2014.

Because the difference between like, the traditional version of the show, and reading a modern day AU fanfiction, and this Dallas show is that this Dallas show is In Front Of You. It's important because you're used to seeing this show with 19th century clothes and 19th century mannerisms so you don't necessarily connect it to today, or you do on a surface level only.

And in fanfics you can imagine it, but it's not the same.

But this show takes the music we all know and the characters we all know and places it in front of us NOW. We get Valjean in an orange jumpsuit, posturing like we've seen people posture in real life. We get Enjolras in a denim vest and button pins. We get Fantine, a woman of color, being fired for having a child out of wedlock and being accused of prostitution, and having to actually turn to prostitution. And we get a depiction that shows so viscerally how horrible that is. We get white people as cops (SWAT, no less) while POC are abused.

Suddenly this is a show that connects on every level.

And not only that but the visuals of the actual rebellion can be connected to so many movements and protests and things that have happened in recent years. Like with the Toyi-Toyi. And all the signs and pins and face paint and weapons and clothes and even to some extent the barricade.

And the cops going from soldiers with bayonets (which, to be fair, back in the day were pretty daunting weapons with their triangular blades, but we don't see them that way) to SWAT with helmets that black out their faces and semi-automatics is a a hard-hitting message.

And I've always thought it was funny that people who see the show casually think it's about Marius & Cosette's romance. Because that’s not all it’s about, of course. But this version made me really, really realize how little that romance matters in the musical. How much the musical is about Valjean, and then in tandem about the rebellion. Because place the whole "I've known you a day and I'm in love" thing in a modern setting and you realize how ridiculous it is, and how much more important Valjean's growth is, and how much more important the movement and the rebellion is. I mean the entire book is just about the Power Of Love And Belief In All Its Forms etc etc. But I think this version pointed out better than any other how many other forms of love exist in this story, besides the romance of Marius and Cosette.

But truly I think the most important thing that this show did is what I mentioned earlier: it placed the story, its themes, its characters, its rebellion, it's Love and Belief, in the Here And Now, and made it really, truly connect with its audience and the present world. This is a show that people always say is so relevant, so important, and it is. It really is. But sometimes, for a casual viewer, it’s hard to see past the period costumes and sets. And then you transplant the show into modern dress and modern sets and suddenly it’s a story that is just as believable and hard-hitting and important now as it was then. Suddenly you can connect with these characters and you can see these things happening in real life, in present day, and you can believe that it would happen.

It just blows my mind that we have all these Modern AU fanfiction pieces, that we have multiple groups of people doing Modern Les Mis Youtube interpretations, that there’s a Spanish musical out there that’s purely about Grantaire (which, god I wish there was more info on!), that there’s a ton of music and TV adaptations and yet this is the first time I’ve seen a professional company do any sort of modern interpretation of the show. And it works SO incredibly well and is SO hard-hitting and just took my breath away.

Uh so yeah such massive praise to the Dallas Theater Center for having the courage and imagination and awesomeness to finally do a modern version of this story because they knocked it out of the damn park and made an already important story even more important.

#les miserables #les mis #dallas les mis #dallas les miserables #dallas theater center #dallas theater center les miserables #les mis dallas #les miserables meta #les mis meta

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makeste · 6 years ago

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BnHA Chapter 217: The Same as Him

Previously on BnHA: Deku’s team beat Team MonoShin and secured the overall victory for class 1-A. Aizawa was all “hey Deku wtf was that shitshow out there” and Deku answered truthfully but vaguely and said he wasn’t sure. He credited Ochako and Shinsou with saving him, but then Shinsou got all down on himself and said that he only did it because Ochako asked him and because he knew his team would lose if he didn’t act. Aizawa was all “you bonehead, you’re being too hard on yourself” and said that no hero is born truly selfless and that that’s one of the qualities they train to learn. He and Vlad both agreed that Shinsou had more than earned a passing grade, and would most likely be joining the hero course in year 2. The chapter wrapped up with Monoma declaring that he would have won if he’d known ahead of time that Deku’s quirk would turn out to be a “dud.” This led Deku to ponder what exactly occurred when Monoma failed to use his quirk, and it also prompted Aizawa to ask Monoma to come see Eri, most likely to see if he can help her figure out how to control her quirk.

Today on BnHA: All Might, Deku, and Bakugou discuss Deku’s new OFA shenanigans in private. Bakugou points out that there must be some reason why this is happening now, and speculates on the possible connection to All for One. Later that evening, after unsuccessfully trying to draw the quirk out again, Deku heads back to the dorms ominously pondering the relationship between his power and AFO’s. Todoroki walks up to Deku and is all “dude does this make us two-quirks buddies now” and Deku awkwardly makes up some bullshit about it being an offshoot of his original quirk, which Todo buys into hook, line and sinker. The next day the faculty agrees to move Shinsou to the hero course, and Present Mic says the kid reminds him a lot of a young Aizawa. He also namedrops someone called “Shirakumo”, which immediately makes Aizawa go all stiff and hastily exit the conversation. Over at the teacher’s dorms, Monoma copies Eri’s quirk but proclaims it another “dud.” He explains that his power only copies the bare-bones of a quirk, and not any accumulated power stored within said quirk. Eri apologizes for having a “bad quirk” that’s so hard to deal with. Deku reassures her that powers aren’t good or bad and it all depends on how you use them. He realizes this applies to his own power as well, and resolves to master it no matter what.

(As always, all comments not marked with an ETA are my mostly-unspoiled reactions from my first readthrough of this chapter. I’m caught up with the manga now at chapter 225, so any ETAs will reflect that.)

oh my fucking lord

holy shit. it’s Todoroki not using his flames during the sports festival all over again. DAMN IT DEKU YOU’D BETTER FUCKING TAKE ME SERIOUSLY I’LL KILL YOU

that, or they’re both actually trying to see if they can draw the quirk out again. DEKU IS THIS A CONSENSUAL SPAR. OR DO YOU NEED ME TO COME OVER THERE AND GIVE THIS BOY A STERN TALKING-TO

they do seem to be in one of the gyms, so at the very least they were presumably smart enough to get permission this time and probably All Might is there watching them

lol

on the other hand, All Might’s supervision doesn’t always mean much for keeping them in line. he has to learn to assert his authority more

oh good, my concerns were unwarranted

it is indeed consensual! Katsuki’s actually out here trying to help Izuku learn to control his new ability! let’s just stop for a second to repeat that. Katsuki is helping Izuku to get a better handle on his quirk. yes, that Katsuki. and that Izuku

though it seems like he misinterpreted the goal of the exercise a little bit possibly lol. to be fair, in his mind he probably doesn’t understand the need to try and put training wheels on this thing and probably feels like Deku should fucking own that shit

(ETA: and having given it more thought, I’m gonna go ahead and say he’s fucking right, actually. I won’t get super in-depth about this since I’ve already posted about it before, but this shows how much faith Katsuki actually has in Izuku, though. in his mind he doesn’t view the new quirk as a danger, and he seems to be of the opinion that all Izuku needs is more practice using it. what’s more, once Deku starts muttering about how he tried to lock the power away, Katsuki immediately gets frustrated and leaves, declaring the whole thing pointless for the time being. pretty sure this is because he’s already come to the conclusion that Deku will also reach by the end of this chapter -- that it doesn’t matter what the nature of the quirk is; what matters is how you use it. in other words, Deku needs to stop being afraid of it and start embracing it.)

anyways, but the point is that yet again we’re only making forward progress with these two. no regression; no jealousy over Deku powering up yet again. and god but it’s just so, so gratifying to me to not have to go through the whole one-step-forward-two-steps-back thing with these characters. once they learn their lesson, it’s learned. this might be my single favorite thing about BnHA tbh

anyways so let’s continue with this chapter which I’m only one and a half pages into and am already in love with!

so Deku’s looking at his right arm appraisingly and confirming that the quirk isn’t activating

he says its “presence” has complete vanished

and now we’re getting a flashback to what I assume is earlier that afternoon, after the training exercise but before this little get together

and OH MY GOD BUT YOU GUYS

KEEP KACCHAN IN THE LOOP 2K19

DEKU LOOKS SO HAPPY TO HAVE HIM THERE THOUGH. AND LOL DID HE JUST INVITE HIMSELF IN OR WHAT. YOU JUST TRY AND HAVE A MEETING WITHOUT HIM AFTER THAT SHIT YOU JUST PULLED DEKU

All Might says that Katsuki is sharing this secret with them now, after all

AND WHERE WAS THAT ATTITUDE DURING LUNCH EARLIER TODAY, THOUGH. WELL WHATEVER, I FORGIVE YOU NOW ON ACCOUNT OF BEING SO HAPPY I COULD CRY

so Kacchan is asking if All Might knew about the whole black quirk thing

fffffff so would that be the Shouto-looking one in the trenchcoat, then? godfuckingdammit, they really did only give us one female wielder of OFA and then fucking went and killed her ass

Bakugou please share some more bonding moments with All Might and Deku so I can take my mind off of this please

also sure would hope Shimura was unaware of it, otherwise lord only knows what she was thinking not telling you. though you were likely only a year older than these two when she passed away, so maybe she just hadn’t gotten around to it yet. that is, if she takes after you and waits ten million years before telling her successor anything

again, not even a hint of ill will toward Deku for being so amazing. and after all, why would there be? he already sorted out his feelings on that on the night of the provisional exam. he knows what he has to do and he knows what Deku has been tasked with doing. so if anything, Deku getting stronger is only a good thing, because he’s All Might’s chosen successor and so he should fucking get stronger already

and I love that All Might also caught that as soon as the question was answered he didn’t waste time pondering it and immediately went to the next logical step in the deduction process. he is an official member of the Scooby Squad now

and also lmao at “don’t call people trash,” but I wonder if he’ll actually listen though. listen, at this point there is no Bakugou character development that would surprise me. he is crushing it; I wouldn’t put anything past him

Deku says that all Hellboy said was that “the time has come,” but I’m inclined to agree with Katsuki though that there was some sort of external trigger. what was it that triggered his dream last night? and I’m still not convinced it’s a coincidence that Shinsou has had some involvement with Deku both times that this Vestiges shit happened

oh SHIT

FUCKING YESSSSS OH MY GOD

this. this is the kind of shit I’ve been waiting for THIS WHOLE TIME

how many meetings like this have All Might and Deku had together, though? they’ve discussed all kinds of things about One for All, and yet this is the one topic that they’ve never once addressed, aside from all the way back in chapter 59 when All Might first told Deku about OFA’s origins. they’ve just kind of skirted around this shit. and I mean, I understand why; obviously AFO is a huge trigger for All Might in general, and it’s just easier for both of them to pretend like he’s no longer a threat now that he’s safely tucked away in prison

except that both of them know that is some bullshit, though. because unlike Katsuki, these two clods know about Nighteye’s prophecy, for one. and there is a reason why there’s been a fire burning underneath Deku’s feet ever since the end of summer, and it’s not just because of the conversation the three of them had at Ground Beta. he knows. deep down some part of him knows he can’t afford to sit on his hands. there’s been an urgency in the back of his mind for quite some time now

and as for All Might, he’s been to visit AFO in Tartarus and he’s seen for himself what that situation is like. AFO’s total lack of concern over his current predicament, and his gleeful talk about the “machinations” he’d put into place and about how everything was going just like he’d planned. and we saw for ourselves not too long ago that even the guards over at Tartarus are fearful of AFO and he puts them on edge and they don’t appear to be at all confident in their ability to hold him if shit hits the fan

basically what I’m saying is that both All Might and Izuku have been walking on eggshells when it comes to this topic even though the situation is unavoidable. so I’m really fucking glad to see Kacchan bring it up almost immediately because yes!! thank you!

OH MY GOD

KATSUKI IS A DAD FOR ONE THEORIST CONFIRMED. oh you really are my son aren’t you

smdh fucking look at this shit

and there we have it. he was thinking it as well but wasn’t going to say anything about it

two conversations in and I’m already fucking over the moon at Kacchan’s dynamic with the two of them and the refreshing change he brings to their plot pow-wows with his blunt and straightforward approach. I swear to god Katsuki if I could make you my favorite character all over again I would

so now we’re back in the gym, and Katsuki’s arguing with Izuku. “I’m tellin’ ya, you need to feel more like you’re in danger!”

I like how confident he is that he’d still be able to kick Deku’s ass even with the new quirk activated sob

(ETA: and in fairness to Bakugou, @addermoray made a really good point a few days ago about his ability to keep up:

this is an excellent take and I completely agree, actually. doesn’t really matter how many quirks Deku gets if Bakugou’s one single quirk gives him near-unparalleled firepower, speed, and agility. he can already pretty much do it all, and the one thing he is still lacking (experience) he’s gaining more and more of with each passing day. so good on him; the rivalry remains alive and well.)

and truthfully, his theory isn’t wrong. we all know that the next time Deku’s back is really against the wall OFA is gonna do some crazy shit again

meanwhile Deku is looking thoughtful and says that if the quirk really does respond to his feelings, “then, at the time...”

DFLKHSLDKJ YOU DON’T HAVE TO REMIND ME WHAT YOUR FEELINGS WERE AT THE TIME DEKU HOLY SHIT IS THIS CHAPTER REALLY GONNA GO THERE TOO!?

aww damn we’re going in a different direction lol

you need to make up your damn mind son. do you want it or not. how about you imagine yourself unlocking it and having total control of it?

meanwhile Katsuki is fed up and walking away since they’re done with the plot talk and the fighting part and now it’s just Deku standing there pondering

(ETA: and as I said in the earlier edit, it’s clear that right now Deku isn’t on the same page as him as far as mastering this. I’m hoping to see more rival training sessions in the near future now that Deku seems to have come around as of the end of the chapter, though.)

so All Might’s saying they’ll call it a night then, and he’s asking Deku if he’s all right, and then dropping him off at the 1-A dorms

and there is yet another shot of Deku staring at his hand. he’s been doing that a lot lately

but! this time the panel is actually extremely intriguing though!

okay two quick Dad for One things here

Deku staring at his own hand and thinking “All for One’s power” is the most blatant fucking foreshadowing I’ve ever seen though

look at the way his face is lit, half in shadow and half in light. that shit is intentional, make no mistake. Horikoshi knows exactly what he’s doing here. good and evil. light and darkness. the son of AFO and the heir to OFA. I am officially bumping up the likelihood of this theory from 30% all the way to 40%. closing in on fifty-fifty odds now guys

anyway, so believe it or not we’re only five pages into this chapter and already it’s a fave. god I love BnHA’s in-between chapters so fucking much

oh damn

Tetsutetsu what are you doing here in the 1-A dorms

and they’re having a conversation that is just impossible to translate to English free from any innuendos

I feel for poor Turk over there at Mangastream, I really do. he’s just trying his best

out of curiosity I went to go check the Viz translation to see how Caleb handled it, and I gotta give him props

that must have taken some doing

lol so anyway then we get this panel

KiriTetsu is the purest ship in this entire canon and I will fight anyone on that

also, “everyone”, huh

oh wow

lmao Ochako’s seemingly-disembodied head in the bottom right corner weirded me out for a sec, especially with her being right next to Hagakure

and jesus christ Toadette, mere hours ago you nearly killed this dude and now you’re hounding him for photos of Hawks that would more than likely get him in trouble to share even if he did have them. please be more considerate

I ship MomoKendou, and seeing Momo with her hair down is so nice. she so rarely does it. she usually has like an Ariana Grande thing going on

I don’t know what the hell Mina is doing to Mineta there but I support it

(ETA: apparently this is a reference to A Clockwork Orange. as previously stated, I support it.)

is Kacchan eating by himself. by my reckoning there are still 17 other people unaccounted for so probably not. but I don’t see Monoma and I’m wondering if he’s gonna go bother him. I actually wouldn’t mind. it wouldn’t feel right if Monoma didn’t go bother someone

oh shit

A WILD TODODEKU MOMENT APPEARS

(ETA: I was so excited about him coming to interrogate Deku that I completely glossed over the fact that this line confirms that Shouto also officially has two quirks. Viz’s translation confirms this (“I didn’t realize you had two quirks, too.”) so Deku and AFO aren’t the only multi-quirk users running about.)

oh shit, again

gotta say, he’s been getting a lot better at passive-aggressively throwing shade lately. got some good practice in with the recent chats he’s had with his pop

ffffffff Deku is Struggling

quirk deprivation! that’s right! look it up! it’s totally a thing and he definitely didn’t just make it up right here on the spot!

asdflskj

oh like you’re one to talk, Mister “It Took Me Ninety-Four Chapters to Put Two and Two Together Even Though Deku All But Told Me Outright Back in Chapter Eleven”

but yes he is super trusting though sob

Deku says that Shouto was amazing too and he’s gotten a lot better at using his flames

but Shouto says he still has a long way to go

ooooooh

hahaha I’m sure people are going to love this

“please excuse me for a moment, this is a very important text from my estranged son”

and what the fuck is with that laughter though. does. does he just not know how to laugh. because it honestly wouldn’t surprise me. “oh look, the corners of my mouth are turning upward and there are these strange rapid breaths of air bursting erratically from my chest.” should probably go get that checked out, Endeav

AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

ngl I kinda wish this projector screen was more high tech. you sent fucking hologram acceptance letters to every kid in the school for fuck’s sake

also this better mean he’s gonna be in class A! let Aizawa teach him!

oh shit. well we had BakuDeku, KiriTetsu, and TodoDeku so WHY NOT SOME ERASERMIC AS WELL

-- OKAY HOLD THE FUCK UP

what was that?? we have never seen Aizawa react to a topic like that before. Mic barely gets the name out and Aizawa is suddenly all “please shut up fast now”

also, so Mic calls him by his surname, at least in public. what’s up with that?? BUT MY FANFICS lol

well this Shirakumo had better be revealed in the upcoming arc then, and not dragged out for a hundred chapters as these mysteries so often are. well actually, they’re either dragged out for ages or explained not three chapters later lol. rarely a middle ground with this series

MY BABY GIRLLLLLL

lol that’s right, she had a previous encounter with him and Mirio was not too pleased

cotton-headed ninny muggins

so does Mirio fucking live at the teacher’s dorms for the time being or does he just commute here every day in order to have Mary Poppins adventures with his baby sis

now Aizawa’s walking up and apologizing for calling Deku and Mirio over

(ETA: which in hindsight confirms that Mirio’s not just there 24/7. aww.)

he says he has a request for Monoma, but he didn’t want to traumatize Eri by having the two of them interact unmediated

oh shit

he’s got the horn though lol

so is this a fairly common thing with his quirk, then? strange that some of these quirks he’s able to control with ease mere seconds after acquiring them for the first time, but then with others he can’t do anything at all

ah, he’s explaining it now

so pretty much what I thought. except I wasn’t aware that Eri’s quirk accumulated power too

although wait, that’s probably what the horn is. oh shit, so that means that even though she’s super powerful when she’s all charged up, it takes her months to recharge afterwards. so if she’s not able to decrease the recharge time as she gets older, that’s going to be a really effective limiter for her power then

LMAO

I legit burst out fucking laughing. you almost exploded. sure dodged a bullet there

if he seriously thought that was a possibility, maybe he could have, idk, fucking warned the guy before their match started that his quirk was off-limits for Monoma’s own safety though

(ETA: I guess it just didn’t occur to him that Monoma might try it, what with them thinking he had a 3-quirk limit and him most likely copying his teammates’ quirks instead.)

and now Mirio’s asking why Aizawa wanted Monoma to try and copy it

Aizawa says that he thought if Monoma copied it, they could get a better idea of how it works so it might be easier to control it if it gets out of hand again. “but I guess it won’t be that easy”

Eriiiii

(ETA: holy shit is Monoma elbowing Aizawa for making her tear up?)

IT’S NOT A BAD POWER IT IS A VERY GOOD POWER THAT SOME VERY BAD PEOPLE TRIED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF

and speaking of, the fact that we’re bringing this up again now makes me hope we’re going to segue to the League sometime soon! because as we all recall, Shigaraki Tomura was last seen some 57 chapters ago taking the Quirk-Be-Gone serum from Overhaul’s very overrated and now nonexistent hands. it’s been quite a while since we’ve seen our antagonist, Horikoshi, and the people are getting restless

(ETA: well, then. lol.)

anyway, so Deku is crouching down and telling Eri her power doesn’t just hurt people, and that she saved him

and he’s comparing it to a knife -- it’s dangerous, but you can also use it to make delicious food lol

and he says he thinks her power is wonderful

awwwwwww

DO YOUR BEST ERIIIII

and you too, Deku. I believe in you. the journey’s not gonna be easy, but you can do it kiddo

so that’s it for this chapter. but damn, that was a hell of a lot of content packed within just 13 pages, though. this is definitely an insta-fave for me

(ETA: it’s in my top ten for sure. so much good stuff, oh man.)

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littlehollyleaf · 5 years ago

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Name ten favourite characters from ten different things (books, tv, film, etc.)

Then tag ten people

Tagged (ages ago, whoops!) by @castiel-saved-me-from-myself

(I’m sorry, I got distracted!)

1.Supernatural. Castiel.

Obviously. I may be out of the fandom now, but I’ve never loved a character as much as Cas, and probably never will.

2. Good Omens. Aziraphale.

Thought I’d put both my darling angels at the top :) I suspect that without Zira there to pave the way Castiel may not even have existed, so I love him double - for himself and for Cas as well :p

While really quite different when it comes to their personalities (just think how Zira would SHUDDER at Cas’ trenchcoat), they share a lot of character traits and tropes (mini-series!Zira anyway, maybe less so in the book, or less obviously anyway), so, no surprise that I should adore them both. I’ve also said before, and I stand by it, that Aziraphale is sort of a combination of my favourite aspects of both Cas and Dean in one, with Cas’ struggle with Heaven/god and trying to be a good angel and finding he loves humanity/earth more, plus Dean’s whole ‘performing Dean’ thing and repression of queer feelings he is scared to admit to (out loud) because he believes they are somehow ‘wrong.’

...just to give a little insight into my feelings about these two that was neither needed nor asked for...

4. Hellblazer. NBC Constantine. Legends of Tomorrow. John Constantine.

Aaaand the other guy I love twice because Cas, and indeed spn in general, kinda owe their existence to him. Though in turn his fabulous live action portrayal by Matt Ryan probably owes its existence to spn and Castiel’s popularity. So... there’s a weird ouroboros situation happening with my favs here that makes my head spin whenever I think about it, but I love it - stories within stories built on stories feeding off stories, which connects to wider themes of story and storytelling being vital and intrinsic to life and stuff.

Anyway, despite his wardrobe, Johnny is NOTHING LIKE CAS. He is, in fact, a lot like Dean. But I like him more. Maybe because he’s British :p He has the whole ‘repressing his feelings’ things, a bit like Zira, but it’s not because he thinks they are wrong, it’s more of a coping mechanism to deal with the constant tragedy/trauma his life/lifestyle/fate causes him to suffer. But whatever the reason, I like my characters facing that struggle :) (actually the British element is probably way more significant to my enjoyment of him than I’ve been fully aware of... that’s probably why I loved Zira so fast as well... obviously they are both a completely different class of British, literally, but the fact they ARE British is INTRINSIC to both their characters, and I guess a little, vaguely patriotic part of me is excited by that... :p)

4. Gotham. Edward Nygma.

Since I’ve started giving explanations - I love Eddie because he’s also got the whole ‘emotionally repressed’ / out of touch with (his) emotions thing going on (as seen in Zira and Cas), but with the addition of various geeky / ‘tech guy’ character traits that I also love.

5. Doctor Who (Classic). Vislor Turlough.

I waxed poetic once about how I liked Gotham’s Edward Nygma because he reminded me a bit of Turlough. That was early on in my Gotham days though and given how Eddie developed I don’t see as many similarities now. Turlough shares some of Eddie’s ‘dark’ traits however - self-centered, often lacking in empathy for others and nonplussed (sometimes even happy) to see them get into trouble or hurt. But ultimately his attempts to be self-serving and cowardly end up thwarted by him developing feelings for specific individuals despite his best efforts, which is what I enjoy about him (and actually that’s a lot like Eddie still, huh... their endgame’s are opposing though ofc - while Eddie goes on to embrace being a villain, Turlough gives up on villainy and even becomes a bit of a hero, now and then). Plus, Turlough is the ONLY Companion (IIRC?) to have joined the Doctor specifically in order to MURDER him and... idk, I just think that’s cool :P

6. Doctor Who (New). Donna Noble.

(I’m trying not to double up on fandoms/shows so I can cover more, but New and Classic Who count as different things, kinda, right...?)

Donna doesn’t really fit any of the character traits I’ve talked about above, though I guess her low self-esteem is something that all my other favs share in various ways (though it’s not such an EXPLICIT aspect of their characters and story arcs as it was for Donna I’d say). What I first loved about her was that after YEARS of New companions (and other randoms) being literally in love with the Doctor, she had a strictly platonic relationship with him. Yeah, I think maybe the show was a bit heavy-handed about it, but even so it came as a huge breath of fresh air and frankly a RELIEF to me. Not that I’m opposed to the Doctor having romantic/sexual relationships, it was just that... coming from a childhood love of the Classic series where that just... didn’t happen (save a fleeting kiss in the TV Movie - which I actually enjoyed fyi!), it just... idk, was starting to stretch my credulity that EVERYONE seemed to be falling for him maybe? Or at least for me it was growing tiresome. So the fact she didn’t have that element to her character/story was a plus. Then I just adore how loud and brash she is when calling anyone, including the Doctor, out on their shit (I envy her that maybe). Plus I like the way she isn’t... traditional TV pretty, you know? (ie. young and slim, like a lot of other companions).

...or maybe I just like redheads *shrug emoji*

7. Spartacus. Naevia.

(she has two actresses okay? and they both deserve kudos!)

Truth is I love FUCKING EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE IN THIS SHOW. Spartacus is like... my PERFECT SHOW. There isn’t a single moment, a single plotline, a single character that I don’t enjoy. I have never even CONSIDERED looking up or writing fic because the finished product is completely satisfying exactly as it is. God. But I wanted it represented in this list so I had to pick someone!

Considering the time period there couldn’t really BE a ‘geeky, emotionally repressed with low self-esteem’ character :p BUT nearly ALL of the characters have the whole ‘struggle to understand/discover who they are’ thing and the ‘who I am and want to be is counter to who I’ve been told I am / should be’ arc, on account of the main cast being rebelling slaves (though the other characters are equally complex and compelling and I love them too - Lucy Lawless in particular is incredible!). Anyone who’s seen me blog about the show before might have thought I’d pick either Agron or Nasir as my favs, since I do like to squee over their romance. But whenever I think about the show it’s usually Naevia who I remember first, because her character arc/development just BLEW ME AWAY. She went from someone I’d kinda dismissed at first as a typical het love interest to a WARRIOR GODDESS and you SEE all the key moments of that growth, you FEEL it, it makes ALL THE SENSE. And her romance with Crixus, which again I was initially a bit dismissive of as a typical, sudden, weak het romance, grows into, imo, one of the deepest, most developed, most believable love stories in the show. So yeah. Naevia. Amazing.

8. Due South. Ray Vecchio.

(he’s the guy not the dog - gifs were limited! ...also the dog is actually a wolf, it’s a whole thing... that doesn’t need exploring at this juncture)

Ray was my first TV crush :P He had a bit of a sidekick vibe to him I guess, which I like (lead characters tend not to interest me as much). He wasn’t ‘geeky’ exactly, but he def had the ‘trying to look/act cooler than I am’ thing going on... also an obsessive attachment to his vintage car... meanwhile his partner Benny was the stoic, ‘British, stiff upper lip, keep emotions in check’ one who was always trying to live up to the ideal persona dictated by his people/employers, in this case the Royal Canadian Mounted Police... HUH, so... it’s actually SUPER WEIRD that I ended up loving Cas and Zira over Dean and Crowley when it seems pretty clear suddenly that my first big fictional fav was CLEARLY the Dean-Crowley to Benny’s Cas-Zira......?? Ray was FUNNY in a way Dean and Crowley aren’t though, I think? He def filled a ‘comic relief’ slot on the regular and I liked that a lot (it also made his serious, angsty moments EXTRA serious and angsty, and extra angst is something I always love!)

9. The Librarians. Eve Baird.

Remember this little show? It was... is... sorta ridiculous. Not amazing. Based on some... very cheap, very OBVIOUS Indiana Jones rip-off films, that were also ridiculous and... not... great (the third one is the best, with an awesome performance by Stana Katic aka Kate Beckett as a vampire, but I digress). But... idek, I am EXTREMELY FOND of the series for some reason :p

There are a WHOLE BUNCH of characters that fit my ‘type’ more than Eve tbh... in fact... probably every.single.other.main.cast.member (save perhaps Jenkins?) shares the traits above that typically make a character my fav. But... EVE! I just... think she’s neat! ...maybe it’s BECAUSE all the others are main/lead characters that makes me gravitate towards her? In a cast where ‘geeky, socially awkward, struggles with emotions’ is the norm, Eve being the no-nonsense, socially competent, badass soldier type therefore becomes different and thus more interesting to me? Also, much like with Donna, I appreciate that she’s an older woman who gets to have a full character and plot of her own. There’s also something about her romance with Flynn that... makes me feel warm and fuzzy.

10. Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Jonathan Levinson.

(tumblr gif search failed me so I had to grab from elsewhere...)

Listen. Look. Okay. Buffy is pretty old school these days so, for anyone not in the know, as a character, originally, Jonathan... he wasn’t even a side character, he wasn’t even REOCCURRING, he was barely a background character. For several episodes he didn’t have a name and it wasn’t until several seasons after he became ‘Jonathan’ that he actually got a surname. Danny Strong was just an actor who happened to be occasionally on-hand when the script called for a random to have a line, until eventually that happened often enough for Joss to think ‘hey, you know what, let’s make this guy an actual part of the show...’

He got a couple of episodes focused on him in S03 and S04 respectively, but didn’t become a regular until S06 (and wasn’t in S05 AT ALL). Other than that he had a HANDFUL of ‘blink and you’ll miss it’ moments here and there, not even full scenes for the most part, usually lasting no longer than the above gif.

I tell you all this so that when I say childhood me (well... somewhere between 12 and 14 years anyway) was OBSESSED with this character in the show, and I mean O B S E S S E D (to the point of spending hours painstakingly making VHS recordings purely of the episodes he was in), you understand how UTTERLY BIZARRE that was. Because this obsession pre-dated S06. Was, in fact, in full swing during the airing of his S04 episode - which was, like, a fucking DREAM COME TRUE for freakily obsessed me fyi, because the whole episode was constructed with him as the LEAD CHARACTER, because he’d performed a spell to make him super awesome. They even changed the title sequence to read ‘Jonathan’ instead of Buffy! And while other fans were no doubt just lol-ing at the random I was bouncing about on my sofa all ‘MY TIME HAS COME!’ and fucking SWOONING over seeing MY CHARACTER suddenly in the spotlight and getting to do crazy fun OOC shit like this -

Then when S06 rolled around and HE WAS A LEGIT REGULAR, omg, I was in HEAVEN! First TV boxset I ever bought that - Buffy S06 :P

So... yeah. A bit of a fav. Geeky. Outcast. Slowly grows more morally grey, what with that spell I mentioned and also the fact he was teamed with the ANTAGONISTS in S06. I guess you could say he was the beginning of a lot of my fav fictional character traits/tropes (though looking back - I think his ‘villainous’ teammates in S06, Andrew and Warren, are more my ‘type’ these days, and I did end up loving Andrew especially a whole damn lot, but at the time I’d been a Jonathan fangirl for so.fucking.long. there was just no chance anyone else in the show was ever gonna come close to my heart!)

THE END.

Sorry not sorry for the tmi. I got a bit too into this one.

Actually sorry I have so few women on the list :( Internalised misogyny/sexism is a real thing and I spent a lot of my life being... somewhat unfairly dismissive of female characters or at least prioritising male ones over them. I’m working on it.

Ten people is SO.MANY. to tag. But I might as well do this right this time, since I’ve come so far. But if you’d rather not play, no worries! <3

@enchantersnight @momecat @bold-sartorial-statement @vampirebillionaire @edwardnashtons @miss-olivia-cellophane @knightinpinkunderwear @supes9 @leaper182 @hamburgergod

Honourable mentions (because I CAN):

Gotham. Lucius Fox.

Gotham. Fish Mooney.

Gotham. Tabitha Galavan.

Doctor Who. The Doctor.

Doctor Who. The Master/Missy.

Supernatural. Hannah.

Supernatural. Naomi.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Andrew Wells.

#about me #a true but boring story #well this was a fun nostalgia fest for me!#apologies to the rest of you.............

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norahastuff · 6 years ago

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Hello! I'm rewatching supernatural starting at season 4, I realized that we often point to Destiel based on Cas' POV. Comments said to Cas (humanity etc.), Cas' motivation and loyalty to Dean. While I'm rewatching the show, browsing blogs, I can't shake off this feeling. Destiel is supposed to be mutual. Dean griefs Cas' death + "I need you", but it still feels onesided in comparison to Cas' scenes. Feels like Cas' is in love while Dean 'loves' as friend. Could you help me see Deans love plz :(

Hi :)

Hmm this is interesting and I had to think about it for a minute, because honestly I don’t think I’ve ever seen it that way. I mean even during the Mark of Cain arc when Dean was at his most emotionally closed off from Cas, there were moments like him grinning like an idiot at the sound of Cas’ voice on the phone or Cain reiterating how important Cas was to Dean.

Well I guess can list the ones that jumped out at me on a first watch, that I never thought anyone would even think to question showed that there were low/mid key romantic elements to Dean’s feelings about Cas. Be warned this is a wall of text so feel free to skip to the TLDR at the end.

6x20: That episode was framed as an angsty break up - it just was. From Dean refusing to believe Cas would betray him, to his heart breaking when he found out he did, all the way to Dean and Cas sharing that final look when Cas is in the fire circle and Dean’s running away.

7x17: Dean talking about not being able to get over Cas

“You know, I used to be able to just shake this stuff off. You know, whatever it was. It might take me some time, but… I always could. What Cas did… I just can’t – I don’t know why.”

Cas is different for some reason he can’t understand. Why? That question has never been explicitly answered beyond “It’s Cas.” Every time. It’s just different because it’s Cas.

Dean keeping Cas’ trenchcoat and carrying it around with him, even though they didn’t have the impala at the time and were using different cars. He moved the coat from car to car. Even Jensen and Misha couldn’t come up with a hetero explanation for that no matter how hard they tried (though to be fair I doubt Misha tried very hard :L )

Dean staying in purgatory for a whole year, praying to Cas every night and not willing to leave without him.

8x07: Dean seeing Cas everywhere and him and Sam both just assuming they were grief induced love hallucinations. You know, the kind Sam had of Jess after she died.

9x06: There’s a lot in there, but my personal favourite moment is Dean just standing outside staring at Cas through the Gas n’ Sip window, for god knows how long, with a wistful look on his face.

9x18: Dean’s messed up af, the Mark of Cain has its hooks in him and yet he hears Cas say something quintessentially Cas (What’s honourable about a miniature bar in a motel room?) and he just lights up with the most genuine smile (sorry I’m too lazy to make a gif for it!)

11x18: This one is definitely one of the ones that makes me scratch my head over how people can still watch it and say there are no romantic elements to Dean’s feelings for Cas. He’s just falling apart begging Cas to cast Lucifer out of his body. Then Amara shows up, Dean’s supposed weakness and all he can do is call out for Cas over and over again in a broken voice. She and Lucifer both notice and are surprised by it. Seriously just go watch that scene.

There are a bunch in s12 but honestly I have a hard time even focusing on the smaller ones because

a) Dean’s out-of-his-mind worry for where Cas is and why he’s not answering his calls. If you even just watch the “previously on” for 12x19, it’s just a montage of him trying to contact Cas. Not to mention how “spun out”, he is after Cas leaves with Kelly.

b) Sam having to physically drag Dean away from the portal to stop him from going after Cas. His scream when Lucifer stabs Cas. Falling to his knees beside Cas’ body, staring at the charred impression of his wings.

c) He made Cas a mixtape.

d) He talked earlier in the season about how the reason Mary fell for John was because he knew the words to every Zeppelin song.

e) He made Cas a Zeppelin mixtape.

f) He made Cas a Zeppelin mixtape.

Look I was actually going to go on and talk about more moments from season 13 and 14, because there are more, but I really don’t think I need to. Because if there was any plausible deniability that there was anything romantic there, and tbh there was very little left even by that point, 12x19 killed it. Everything about that episode, from how Dean was reacting to Cas, the way the mixtape scene was shot to the fact that he made him mixtape to begin with, was presented in a romantic way.

So yeah. Cas having feelings for Dean and Dean not, is not something I think the show has ever presented. There are a ton of moments I haven’t mentioned from before season 12 too, and more after, but if you have any doubt about Dean’s feelings and only have 40 odd minutes, just watch 12x19.

I mean to be honest, if it wasn’t a mutual thing it never would have really caught my interest or pinged my radar. I’m not usually a shipper so it’s not something I’d have been actively looking for - it was just really obvious to me, and I thought the fact that their relationship had this romantic vibe to it was just the way they were presenting it. I didn’t think there were going to be doubts about it.

Personally, I have less than zero interest in watching a story where a dude pines after his bff who shows no romantic interest in him because he’s a totes straight bro. The only time I’ve ever found that kind of thing done somewhat well was on Shadowhunters (yeah yeah I know), and there were extenuating circumstances and more going on with it there too. However you see Dean and Cas’ relationship, I really don’t think it’s one sided in any way, and if I’m being honest, I always thought they presented Dean’s side of it more than they did Cas’, again maybe with the exception of Dean’s Mark of Cain arc. But again that’s just my opinion. You may feel differently.

TLDR: Dean made Cas a mixtape.

#asks #destiel #love and...love #my spn thoughts

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rorybergstrom · 5 years ago

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hello, it’s swamp witch nora again…. hitting u with a tiny baby boy who is also terrible (sometimes). musical softboi who loves karl marx and hates children dying in cobalt mines to make smart phones. as is tradition, here’s the pinterest board, have a peruse x

「 timothee chalamet. cismale. 」have you seen rory bergström around yet? i hear he’s decided to be in AUDAX for their JUNIOR year as a MUSIC TECHNOLOGY major. the 23 year old SHEEP is known to be fanatical, eccentric, nitpicky and dogmatic. ➨ the muse is written by nora, she/her, 23, gmt.

aesthetics.

bed hair from a permanent state of slumber, calloused fingertips from strumming bass into the early hours and djing into the blacklit night, self-help books thumbed once and thrown beneath your bed, battered copies of choose your own adventure books, spliffs passed half-arsed across rooftops while light pollution obscures low-hanging stars, marxist literature in stacks against your bedroom walls, a burner phone twice-shattered and a stash of replacement sim cards.

tw ocd, anxiety, drugs

half-swedish, half-british. the swedish is on his mother’s side. he’s bilingual but thinks in english. only really speaks swedish around his mother. only child, and kinda put a lot of pressure on himself to be the Perfect Kid when he was young, but his parents are honestly, quite decent? and just want him to have a nice life, they don’t care if he isn’t successful or rich or anything, they’re honestly rather solid. (wow imagine having Nice Parents, a first for all my characters, im literally this meme)

grew up in peckham, a suburb of london. growing up, his mum was a model / actress / waitress who later retrained as a speech therapist and his dad worked in her majesty’s service at buckingham palace. his dad wasn’t allowed to tell his family what his job entailed but rory suspects it’s probably very boring and just involves a lot of…. logistics n security.

was bullied a lot at school. [cole sprouse voice] he didn’t fIT iN AND HE DIDN’T wANT TO fIT iN. unironically wore a trenchcoat to school every day of his life. spent most of his lunchtimes in the library because it was his Safe Space. as a result he knows…. loads of useless information because 30% of his school years were spent reading anthologies on space and the vikings etc. would be good on a game show. obsessively recorded every episode of university challenge as a child.

middle-class and lowkey quite wealthy but rarely talks about money, one of those well-off people who still wears really old shitty shoes and only spends money if they absolutely have to

virgin who can’t drive

into star wars, not into the big bang theory. feminist. can’t watch horror movies

favourite film is where the wild things are. also loves the florida project. thinks kids are the sweetest thing and can’t wait to be a dad to some

has been musical for as long as they can remember. first picked up guitar because he thought it would make this girl esther who he was in love with like him, but he just ended up falling in love with music instead.

formulated several different bands as a kid but ultimately had to give it up cos he was quite controlling and got fixated on making a certain sound so it wasn’t really fun for the others. got into electronic music because it was something he could do basically on his own and keep tweaking until he got it perfect

always drumming their fingers or strumming invisible guitar strings. tends to avoid parties bc he has quite has specific tastes when it comes to music and doesn’t like listening to r&b for eight hours while people throw up into plastic cups.

a techno connoisseur. has been making electronic music since he was about twelve.

after his parents divorce, when he was fourteen, rory & his mother moved to run-down suburban neighbourhood, pittsfield, massachussets.

big into photography. he mostly uses a canon 35mm camera, but occasionally uses disposable ones when he wants that more rustic feel.

moving to the states, their photography became more focused on suburban neighborhoods and are often quite dark and cinematic (think gregory crewsden). here are some shots of pittsfield i really like which rory has on his wall [1] [2] [3]

falls in love 12 times a day. never had a girlfriend or boyfriend. gets sweaty when someone cute looks at him. flirting?? what?? would prefer to idealise them from a distance

gender??? hm. doesn’t really know where he fits yet, sometimes he feels like a guy and sometimes they dont feel like anything at all. isn’t really bothered, cos they think it’s a social construct anyway. uses he/they pronouns interchangeably, but feels like ‘he’ is more fitting. won’t necessarily pull anyone up on it cos he knows having an identity that’s constantly…. in flux.. can be annoying for others … and doesn’t want to be a burden EVEN THO it isn’t at all?? rory internalises guilt

everything is socially constructed. mirrors let you move through time. the whole thing’s a metaphor. he thinks he’s got free will but really he’s trapped in a maze. in a system. all he can do is consume. people think it’s a happy game. it’s not a happy game — it’s a fucking nightmare world, and the worst thing is, it’s real and we live in it

has ocd. tries to let it affect his life as little as possible, but obviously it’s incredibly hard to control a compulsive disorder. was teased for it at school when other kids started to notice. he was obsessed with the number five, would wash his hands five times, count stairs i groups of five, he could only use the corridors in one direction and always had to keep his hands busy. it manifests itself in hyper-fixations (trains when he was a child – specifically steam engines – then later he became obsessed with space and the patterns of constellations, and now he’s obsessed with synthesizers) and repetitive behaviours like counting stairs. doesn’t really affect his social life at all, he can jst get a bit locked-on n hyper-focused sometimes.

has insomnia. barely ever sleeps. finds it hard to switch off from work / writing / gaming / whatever’s preoccupying him in that moment. he’s always awake at 5am and quite often sleeps in through classes but still gets really good grades because he’s very good at his course. rarely attends classes. prefers to work independently. doesn’t really trust his tutors are intelligent enough to be teaching him, and is particularly suspicious of the lockwood tutors. a music snob tbh

secretly a small-scale drug dealer, only does weed n some party pills. rollerskates around campus dealing cos they dnt have a car

long haired, aesthetic is like… timmy in lady bird n beautiful boy

aesthetics: bed hair from a permanent state of slumber, calloused fingertips from strumming bass into the early hours and drumming into blacklit night, self-help books thumbed once and thrown beneath your bed, watching vine compilations until your eyes turn square, battered copies of choose your own adventure books, spliffs passed half-arsed across rooftops while light pollution obscures low-hanging stars

likes: techno, the webpage cats on synthesizers in space, allen ginsberg, vintage gramophones, floating points, lcd soundsystem, marijuana, soft dogs that let you pet them, late-night strolls talking about the universe, independent films, cigarettes, herbal tea, gallows humour, long showers, brown eyes, tchaikovsky, dr. seuss, constellations, photography, late night jazz, vintage game boys and girls who could rip his still-beating heart out of his chest and use it as an ashtray. dislikes: weddings, funerals, formality, button-up shirts that people actually button-up, bananas, hot coffee, social media, people who watch and play sports, rap music – especially of the misogynistic variety, indie wankers in wire-framed glasses that play ed sheeran songs at open mic nights.

plot ! with ! me ! i’d say all the usual “exes fwb hookups spiel” but rory… has never hooked up with anyone… i feel like a deer in the headlights of love……. so give me

study buddies,

people who are also into techno and are music snobs about it,

people who love all kinds of music,

people who are in bands that maybe rory’s recorded and produced stuff for,

people he actually jams with (he plays bass and synth),

unrequited crushes!!

someone they met at a knitting club in freshman year and have remained friends with despite no longer going to it

people rory knows from open mic nights and gigs

library girlfriends / boyfriends that he stares at longingly while paging through leatherbound volumes

gamers !!! social recluses !!! hermits !!

people he deals weed to on his rollerskates (why r all my characters obsessed with rollerskates)

skaters. rory is really shit at skateboarding. like really shit. help the smol

#message me u cowards x #wshedintro #i feel like som of this..... will hav changed since i wrote this intro..... but..... i walk on the wild side

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keepyourpantsongohan · 5 years ago

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Ayesha Liveblogs Free! S3

I will never get tired of Makoto offering Haru a hand out of the water

OMG I guess some things do change Makoto’s been dunked and I kinda love it

“I’m never gonna be a normal person” wow who is this this Goth Diet Haru

I love the phrase “hot minute” actually thank u for ur teen slang Asahi

Offering people his lecture notes and texting back right away will anyone ever be as good as Makoto? Trick question no

“I’m still young and innocent” “That’s a weird thing to say” I love that Haru’s meeting a bunch of people who aren’t used to his antics

This flashback seems to indicate that Haru felt Some Kinda Way about Ikuya which is weird because they look almost the same

“Don’t worry too much about the family” LMAO Sosuke has received a blessing from his cousin to follow Rin to Australia

“Just inferior copies of Ikuya” that’d be more meaningful if Ikuya had done anything other than stare broodingly

It’s telling that the Iwatobi team is dressed like the Wiggles in this outro

All this outro really told me is that they aren’t really that good at differentiating main character design

“We have to try not to spoil them too much” I approve of Ikuya’s brother and his co-parenting buddy

“I’m not going to move ever again,” said Asahi, with the full confidence of a twelve-year-old boy who knows absolutely nothing about anything

Okay but for real Ikuya and Haru straight up look like siblings this weird rivalry energy on top of that fact is a little bit Much

[Rose and Rosie voice] It’ll never work out their hair is the same colour

“Is Haru the guy who was all dressed up and riding a camel in the recruiting video we saw?” UNBELIEVABLE their Arabian Nights outro from S1 was actually their recruitment video Iwatobi do u take constructive criticism

“I’ll even be good enough to compete against you” how many rivals does one young man really need my god

Hey Trenchcoat Man maybe introduce yourself before telling these teens how to live their lives

Dude you’re so controlling trying to prevent Ikuya from seeing his friends

Ahhhhh I love Haru being in touch with his emotions and apologizing to Ikuya tbh I give Makoto and Rin a lot of the credit for his ability to communicate lmao

“I’d prefer you didn’t keep him too long” listen I get where you might be coming from since Haru hurt Ikuya’s feelings but also stop that

“Thought I’d give you a wake-up call” I really don’t like the vibe of Hiyori

“Japanese guy! Friend of yours, maybe?” An accurate representation of what it’s like to hang out with white people lmao

There’s a different vibe from a teenager who giggles about swimmers’ muscles to an adult swim coach who is coaching swimming at a university giggling about swimmers’ muscles put that away Mikhail

Hiyori gives me the straight up heebie jeebies every time he opens his mouth

I can’t read Japanese but I have to assume Rin was gonna call Haru and reminisce about their bed sharing night lmao

Natsuya is some kinda Swimming Capitalist Nomad I’m not mad about it

“How many of these dreams do you have?” that’s valid lmao Rin has #calledout for being a rival slut

“His face told me that what matters most to him is not here” I can’t tell if this is a reference to Ikuya or to Natsuya’s white-haired rival-friend-boyfriend-probably

You know what, in the context of this show: Boyfriend

“Hey, calm down. Listen, Archerfish--” HARU PLS

I don’t know Misae but the fact she calls her boyfriend Archerfish has already won me over

Hiyori would you fucking stop interfering this isn’t fair to Ikuya

“Ikuya’s too busy to waste his time reminiscing on childish things” well that should be Ikuya’s decision shouldn’t it like not 2 get 2 real but this is all the markers of an abusive relationship if someone does this to you please tell someone

God this stubbly weird man and his ominous advice STILL without any introduction

“I’m getting sick of hearing you speak for Ikuya like you’re his damn boss” ME TOO ASAHI

YOU CANNOT DECIDE WHO IKUYA’S FRIENDS ARE HIYORI YOU ABSOLUTE SHITPRETZEL

HA Ikuya knows you’ve been giving the boys the runaround fuckweasel

“If I swim with Tono, maybe it’ll help me understand him” Makoto coming after jerks with his best weapon: empathy <3

“People you swim with all seem to end up suffering, don’t they” LISTEN YOU ASSBANANA IT’S NOT HARU’S FAULT THAT PEOPLE GET OBSESSED WITH HIM HE’S JUST A GOOD SWIMMER

Omg I enjoy the drama of Sosuke interacting with the one (1) person in Japan who has seen Rin lately

“I have to admit, I’m a little disappointed there isn’t a single pudgy person here” like I know this is probably gonna be a running gag for their opposite body preferences but it’s also a self-burn for the creators of this show only drawing different scales of one body type

I really do love that Rei is swim team captain now my boy has come so far

Oh Romio is there anyone in this swim universe that doesn’t have some kind of Traumatizing Swim Experience

“Think about what your reason for jumping in is” Sosuke’s advice sounds like beautiful nonsense I don’t know how that’s supposed to help him concentrate on start times

Lmao I love this Overbearing Friend Gesture of Shizuru and Nagisa putting seaweed on Romio and Rei’s plates without asking kjhfkghfghfk

“Actually, if you don’t mind, we have a proposition” $500 says that Nagisa and Rei are about to propose a relay race

Update from 8 minutes later: Someone owes me $500

“Can you tell how proud I am?” Natsuya is such a good big brother <3

Hahahaha “a guy he wants to swim with again some day” Natsuya is also a good wingman for Rin lmao

Based on his inner monologue Sosuke should also be a swimming coach except in the vein of Cryptic Trench Coat Stubble Man who just offers random unsolicited advice to any teenage swimmer he passes by in the street

“I’m so proud of you” jgjhgjhg Shizuru I love you and your tears for Romio

What kind of child welfare laws are there in Japan that Hiyori’s parents were allowed to just leave him alone in the park

“When I saw [Haru] again, the weakness I thought I left behind came flooding back to me” the moral of this story is that competitive swimming makes you gay

Ikuya used to be fun and sweet lmao what made you so broody my dude

Lmao @ Hiyori being mad that Ikuya thinks of Haru as his Prince Eric instead of him

Wow I love Nao being a guiding force for this group of nerds

“I’m not hearting anything for you” Asahi understands Stranger Danger

It took Ryuji a solid six eps to even get a name u’d expect him to have a more important character connection than Rin’s Swim Coach’s Rival

“Then you should start swimming other stuff” I Love Misaki, Adopted Child of Haru and Makoto

Well this wistful playground vibe has taken a strange turn

“It’s none of your damn business okay!!” TONO JUST GOT DUMPED HA

KJGHKJGH THE RAGE IN HARU’S VOICE ABOUT THE MACKEREL

Ryuji: He can just buy me dinner or something. I’m not picky. As long as it’s not mackerel

Haru [through gritted teeth]: I’m ready when you are

AH I LOVE KISUMI AND ASAHI BABYSITTING TSUKUSHI

“After all we’ve been through, why does it have to be like this?” U MADE IT LIKE THIS HIYORI

HAHAHAHAH Makoto and Ryuji had a standoff of wills and Ryuji lost

“Maybe it’s time for you to approach things more seriously” Nao has declared it’s time to stop sowing your wild oats and settle down Natsuya

Kazuma only shows up to remind Sosuke he is free to run away to swim whenever

“Hope you’re well” “Hey relax I’m not your dad” [Natsuya immediately begins acting like their dad]

YEAHHHHHHHHHHHH GO HARU LEADING HIS CATEGORY

“I don’t think he’s all that bad of a guy” that’s Stockholm Syndrome Ikuya

I’m glad Ikuya is finally fucking having a meaningful conversation with his friends

“In the water I’m alone. No one’s gonna save me” Get therapy Ikuya!!!

Wow Haru joining a race purely to have an Emotional Confrontation with Ikuya is some kinda growth I’m just not sure what exactly

“That guy’s the only one anyone ever talks about” to be fair if your sample size is Iwatobi swimmers they are all a little in love with him

“That’s our BOYYYYYYYYYY” Aw Asahi <3

Ghjkghk I love Makoto teasing Haru for being Ikuya’s hero

“Oh, you’re wise now?” AWWWW Ikuya is fun again good for him

I know that Ikuya reaching out in friendship to Hiyori is supposed to be a sign of emotional security but I haven’t forgiven him for the way he’s manipulated Ikuya!!! Ur a seawitch not a Prince Eric!!! >:((((

I’m super thrown about them going straight from the qualifiers to the next race what will the last four episodes of this season be about

“I’ve been giving myself pep talks in the mirror. ‘I am a genius. I am a genius.’” HAHAHAHA I LIKE FUN IKUYA

“Looks like you beat me” “Just in free” Haru has released Ikuya into the universe for Hiyori and I don’t like it (for Ikuya’s sake) but that’s how it be I guess

How many siblings are there in the Mikoshiba family lmao there’s a new one every season

“But gender doesn’t mean anything in a competition” I like u Lady Mikoshiba

“You mean you were Russian this whole time??” this is a lot to digest

I LOVE RIN’S PUDGY CAT STEVE LOL IS IT THE SAME IN JAPANESE

“The water likes you. I can tell” ALBERT PLS, Haru is already FULL-UP on homoerotic swim relationships

It’s killing me that they keep cutting to Makoto like Haru’s cheating on him though

Not to undermine the subplot of these last three episodes but hasn’t Haru... lost races before hgkjhgk

“I thought something soft and cute would help balance out that scary face of yours” omg STOP this cuteness

Gghkhgk these flashbacks and Rin crying over Sosuke’s surgery are SO cute I never thought I would feel so proud of Rin way back in S1 he’s grown so much!!

Makoto being surrounded by ladybugs and butterflies like a wholeass Disney Prince

WHY are ALL of these swimming weirdos SOMEONE’S UNCLE

“You’re still as weird as ever, Haru’s the exact same way” I should start tracking how long in a conversation it takes characters to bring up Haru

Gnjghkjhg Makoto gets through to Haru in 0.5 seconds after two weeks of him ignoring his own coach. The power of fish metaphors and Love™

Kinda seems like they are setting it up like Makoto will also get to travel the world for swimming and let me say... I’m not mad about it

Update from like 2 minutes later: I WAS RIGHT

“That’s the evil king who wanted the magic lamp” the Arabian Nights references kill me every time

Djkhdkjhd Ryuji labelling Mikhail in his phone as “Muscle Freak” that’s tru friendship

“You should say, ‘I’m totes hip with the kids, yo’” Ryuji pls

“You’re so cute, you must be Iwatobi’s famous Kou” KHGKHGKJHKJ 3/3 MIKOSHIBA KNOCKOUT KOU

Awwwww Rei is so nervous for nationals my sweet baby boy

I ADORE that Rin and Haru are literally running across the city right before their most important meet bc they want to see their friends swim

Rrgjhgr the one and only backstory in this show is former childhood friends and it applies to every single character

OMG Rei get his own flashback but with his boy Nagisa I love it

“I think he’d make a good rival for you actually” Makoto Tachibana: Rival Matchmaker

GOOD JOB BOYS U DID GOOD (ALSO TEAM PHOTO I WEEP)

“Try not to cry when I beat you” SOSUKEEEEEEEEEE

Wow this final episode is already clutching at my heart right out of the gate baby Haru 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Makoto letting four more boys pile into his one bedroom for the night bc he’s the Best Boy Alive

HJGHJKGH THIS EXCHANGE

Mikhail: That’s what I call ‘totes hip with the kids’

Nearby youths: [Giggling]

Mikhail: [Soft indignant gasp] Ryuji!!

Natsuya and Ikuya have the cutest sibling relationship gjkghk THEY

The theme of this season is people hugging each other and crying over the lanes and I LOVE THAT 4 THEM

Rin and Haru and Makoto........... are good boys

“What is this, some kind of teen drama” that is exactly it, Rin

“He won’t stop talking about stupid crap like friendship and bonds” I love three (3) boys

Bonus: Out of Order Liveblog of Free! Take Your Marks + S3E0

Haru dropping his pants in Makoto’s apartment without the immediate context of them being near water was the most high stakes moment in this entire anime I had no idea where that was going

Haru leaving his apartment hunting until the day before he moves: Mood

Sidenote: Makoto and Haru going apartment hunting is domestic as HELL I love it

“The two of you are inseparable, huh?” “We’re friends, deal with it.” Let people be gay Kisumi

Lmao @ Nagisa and Rei’s yoga pose video Iwatobi is the cutest swim team in the world

“Then one day even those tears will dry out in the Tokyo desert” who hurt you, Ms. Amakata

“Allow me to welcome you to Tokyo, the city where love and lust intertwine” Free! Love and Lust could really be a subtitle of this anime lmao

“I’m talking about the whole bunkbed situation, you know, top and bottom” lmao shout-out to Sloane for that one art

I love the wordless communication between Makoto and Haru (and for that matter, Sosuke and Rin) I’m so glad they worked things out

I’m also happy Rin and Kou are cool now they used to have quite a gap

“Rin wasn’t that honest with himself” rjghg Rin and Haru miss each other

“This is the one,” said Haru, next to Makoto, His Completely Platonic Best Friend Who Dreams About Them Sharing An Apartment and Dropping Trou

I LOVE STEVE THE FAT CAT. AN ICON. A BEAUTY. CHUNKY BABY

“The treasure is inside the red shark’s mouth” there is DEFINITELY a Rin joke to be made here and the writers knew it

I don’t know what I love about this more that Aii and Momo are TERRIBLE at scheming or that that they are throwing Rin and Sosuke together on White Day lmao

This team vacation... Sosuke giggling bc he was tickled... !!!!!!! THANKS

I’m loving all these teams getting presents for each other jkhgkjg

Oh am I finally going to understand this Momo and Capybara backstory

Lol @ Natsuya pouring his heart abt Nao to Sosuke wholly unsolicited

“What were you about to ask” “Oh, not anything important (I’ll wait for you Sosuke)”

OHHHHHHHHHH THE CHARM BACKSTORY SOSUKEEEEEEEEEE

Oh Christ alive am I about to watch the Arabian Nights recruitment film

Hhhgjgjhg I gather the only reason Haru got his license was to compete with Rin

“I’m the evil king who is after the lamp for his own selfish reasons” I hate this... but also... I love this???

“I am a mysterious peddler. I travel carrying mysterious bundles. While riding atop of my mysterious partner Chappy the Camel” HARU STOP

OH MAKOTO HONEY U POOR SOUL JHGKHFKJGH

“Makoto. When I’m nervous I think about mackerel” I am going to expire

“I think the three of you should implement your own version of it” Fhjkhgk Haru is telling them to exploit their bodies for school recruitment but also that’s not really anything new so fair enough

Nagisa: Rei is Perfect Killer Muscles Handsome in my heart!!!!!!

“Maybe I’m never going to understand him” Omg @ The Jilted Middle School Exes of Haru Club

“How David had to give up his love.... And then Veronica, knowing they couldn’t see each other anymore” call me crazy but I think Rin is projecting his own issues onto A Rat’s Life LMAO

Tjehjkhkje Sosuke needing to call Rin bc he got lost on his way to the bathroom... Useless Husband Energy

HAHAH Rin is so upset thinking Momo and Kou are dating

At least Rin recognizes that he doesn’t get to decide who Kou dates he can only express his approval or disapproval

“Momotaru Mikoshiba is a man who lives by passion” gjhgjhg stop this

“Rin would never lose to a persimmon, ever!” MAKOTO R U OK

“You are not less than a persimmon!” THESE BOYS. U R SO DUMB BUT ALSO GET U A FRIEND LIKE THE IWATOBI SWIM CLUB

“It’s cool if you need to cry” “If you stay in the pool no one will ever notice your tears” I LOVE SOSUKE AND HARU TEAMING UP TO TEASE RIN

I also deeply appreciate that even though I’ve never heard their Japanese voices I know exactly who is saying what line in this outro just by dialogue and tone of voice

“I have a crippling fear of mascot costumes” “Then why did you take this job” kjhgkjhgkjh if that isn’t a work mood

Wait... if Makoto is going to be the substitute wrestler... WILL HARU BE THE SUBSTITUTE MASCOT AHHHHHHHH

WAIT NO I HAVE GRAVELY AND HILARIOUSLY MISUNDERSTOOD MAKOTO IS GOING TO BE BOTH MASCOT AND WRESTLER

“Iwa means ‘boulder’ and ‘tobi’ means ‘black kite’ so it’s a boulder-headed bird!!” Well that’s more of an explanation for the appearance of the Iwatobi mascot than I ever expected, Nagisa

“You don’t have a crippling fear of mascot costumes, do you?” No but I have feeling Makoto is about to develop one

Oh it’s THIS FUCKPUDDLE who asked u to be here Hiyori

“I don’t exactly hate it” high praise Ikuya lmao

Thkjhtkjh I love Natsuya’s long distance relationship it’s sweet

HAHAHA is the beak thing supposed to be a ploy so people see Makoto’s face

“I cannot let Haru see me like this” “Hi Makoto” HAHAHAHAH I LOVE THIS WHOLE INTERACTION AND ALSO HOW HARU JUST GOES ALONG WITH ALL OF IT

Also I don’t know how Makoto was planning to hide his identity after he was addressed as “Mr. Tachibana”

LMAO @ MAKOTO BEING RECOGNIZED BY HIS LEG MUSCLES I’M SCREAMING

“Hey Makoto, use a backstroke!!” HARU PLEASE

“Well done, you’ll be a great mascot someday” “Thanks? I think?” This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen and I loved it

Oh my goooood Haru bringing Makoto presents for his siblings.... they have ascended to the college relationship levels of Natsuya and Nao

Man Ikuya could not radiate stronger “leave me alone” vibes

“Wow you boys make a dashing pair” you said it Suit Lady not me

#ayesha talks anime #liveblogging #ayesha liveblogs free #long post

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atc74 · 7 years ago

Text

She Waits

Our Reader meets Rob and they fall in love, but is it really that easy? The good things rarely are.

Word Count: 3281

Warnings: This is the best (worst?) flangst I can do, language, Rob singing

A/N: beta’d by the ever amazing @just-another-busy-fangirl. Laura, I don’t know what I would do without you and I hope I never have to find out! I listened to and channeled some Louden Swain for this. Although it is not inspired by ‘She Waits’ it felt like a fitting title. A huge shout out to @zeppo-in-a-trenchcoat and @mandileaphotography for the amazing photos of Rob. Thank you for feeding my soul. Also, all my love to Nicole, @iwantthedean, for her never ending support and for enabling the crisis.

Written for: @d-s-winchester and her 2 Year Blogiversary Challenge. My prompt is in bold below. Ash specifically asked for Rob, and tbh, who I am I to say no! I just adore him so much!

Songs listened to: Amazing - Fair - She Waits - Eskimo - Worlds Collide - Like The Heart Goes - Honey Bee - Medicated - All I Need - Cool If I Come Over

To say you and Rob Benedict had a complicated history was an understatement. Some days it felt like Goldie and Kurt, then other days it felt more like Whitney and Bobby. It was wonderful and it was tumultuous, but it was always passionate.

You had first met Rob on the set of Supernatural in 2009. He played a prophet and was slated to appear a few times and you were nothing but an extra. But the reaction between the two of you was a Chem professor’s dream. It was palpable from the first greeting. As you were doing a series of guest spots for the CW, you were in Vancouver for a few weeks which allowed you and Rob get to know each other. You spent all of your spare time in his room or yours. Passion was never the problem.

But then he left and you felt like you would fall apart. He had promised you a future. You felt foolish for believing him, but felt it in your heart, even if your head was screaming ‘NO’ at a thousand decibels. You retreated into yourself when you didn’t hear from him for almost two months.

You found yourself in Los Angeles to audition for a new series. You wanted to call Rob, just to hear his voice. It was one of the things you loved about him, one of the many. His voice was always so soothing and calming to you after a rough day. When he sang to you, it gave you life and you felt like you could accomplish anything and overcome any obstacle in your path.

“Hey girl!” your friend Nicole greeted you at the airport. “I have been watering your plants but I am going to be the best friend ever tonight! We are going out. There is this band playing at a club and my friend got us tickets.”

“Nic, I love you and you are already the best friend ever, but I just got off a plane, I want to sleep and shower and get shitfaced, not necessarily in that order,” you grumbled, getting your bags into her truck before slumping into the passenger seat.

“Well, I totally concur with the whole shower thing. I also support the getting shitfaced, but as for sleep, that can wait until tomorrow. Your audition isn’t until Monday. You have forty-eight hours, you’re golden, girl,” Nicole rambled on as she sped through traffic to your apartment.

After much coaxing and cajoling, you finally gave in and got dressed in the clothes Nic had laid out on your bed. She had picked your favorite skinny jeans paired with a teal colored cold shoulder top and a pair of brown boots. She helped with your makeup and soon you were ready and didn’t even look like you had been sleep deprived ever since Rob walked out. You hardly recognized the woman staring back at you.

The club was loud and the music was crappy, but there were plenty of open seats at the bar. You made a beeline for it, ordering your favorite whiskey and a beer for both of you. You knocked back the shot with ease and then followed it with Nicole’s while she chatted up her friend.

“Hey, that was mine!” she joked. “Y/N, this is Gil.”

“Nice to meet ya, Gil,” you greeted him politely. He was quite good looking and he and Nicole made a striking couple.

“Well, let’s go get our table,” Nicole shouted over the music and Gil lead you to the very front table that he had reserved. You didn’t care much, as long as the booze kept coming.

The two of you sat and talked as well as you could for the better part of an hour until the music stopped blaring and Gil’s voice caught your attention.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, it my pleasure to bring this band onstage tonight. They have been a solid force in the Indie Rock scene here in L.A. for a few years now. Please welcome Louden Swain!” The crowd erupted in cheers but you had never heard of them and lived in L.A. for the last ten years. You rolled your eyes and signaled the waitress for another round.

Then you heard it, the voice that had plagued your thoughts for the last two months. The voice that calmed you. You turned around slowly and looked up to the main microphone stand on the stage right in front of you. Of course, your table was front and center. There he was: Rob. You knew he sang, but he had never told you he was in a band.

Your heart beat faster than you could ever remember as you took him in. He looked the same as he did the morning he walked out of your hotel room, maybe just a little more tired. That gave you a moment of hope that maybe he was just as miserable as you had been. His eyes met yours and your heart leapt into your throat, making breathing impossible.

“Before we get started, the guys and I just want to thank everybody for coming out tonight. We hope you have a good time,” Rob smiled and met your eyes once more.

You had heard him sing most of these songs, granted they sounded different with a full band behind them. Rob sounded amazing and you had to admit, despite seeing him and your heart hurting, you were having a good time. Nicole looked over at you with that knowing look of hers but you just shook your head and stuck out your tongue.

“Hey, thanks so much,” Rob speaking broke your thoughts and you gave him your undivided attention. “We want to debut a new song for you guys tonight. I, ah, wrote this a few weeks ago. It’s about a girl, quite possibly the girl. I hope you like it.”

When he spoke, he was looking directly at you and you sat down once more, unsure if your legs would support you. Had he really just said that? And was he talking about you? You listened to the song, not quite understanding, then it hit you as the song ended.

Rob jumped off the stage with his hand held out to you and you ignored it, launching yourself straight into his arms. “I’m sorry.”

“I missed you,” you breathed into his neck, his familiar scent comforting you like nothing else had been able to do in the last several weeks.

Even though he had hurt you, your heart let him in as easily as it had the first time. Your head begged you to be cautious, but you ignored it. Life was simple with Rob. You loved each other and he comforted you when things were tough. His singing brought tears of joy to your eyes. You knew deep down, you would never be truly happy with anyone other than him.

Life was a whirlwind with Rob Benedict. Between shows and his band touring, not to mention, the band was offered a spot during the Supernatural conventions a year after you met. To say you were use to Rob being gone is wrong. You will never get used to the love of your life not being there, you just learn to deal with it. That is why there are phone calls and text messages and late night video chats. It wasn’t the same without his arms around you, but his voice calmed you as always.

You weren’t sure exactly when you noticed it, but as the seasons changed, somehow so did your relationship with Rob and that is when reality set in.

2011

You hadn’t seen or heard from Rob in months. By now you were used to the pattern, but it still hurt. Your head said it was time, but your heart refused to move on. You shook your head to rid the thoughts that probably would always plague you. It was Nicole’s wedding day and you need to keep your shit together. You couldn’t think about him today, of all days.

You couldn’t believe how much you cried during the ceremony. Nicole was breathtaking and Gil looked like he stepped right out of the pages of GQ. Even the vows were more beautiful than anything you had ever heard. Pictures were taken and soon you made your way to the reception with the rest of the wedding party. You only needed to stay a few hours, then you could go home and collapse on your couch, watching bad reruns.

Dinner and speeches were finally out of the way and to be completely honest, you were more than a little tipsy. It was time for Nicole and Gil’s first dance and everyone, even you, smiled as you watched them lovingly float across the dance floor to a grossly romantic song. Your inner voices wouldn’t shut up. The song was cliche. Rob would never have sang such a sappy song to you to express his love. His songs were quirky but there was always a meaning in them, even if it was hidden.

Finally the band was set up and it was time for the wedding party to dance. You and your groomsman headed out to the dance floor. The music started and you danced, not even paying attention to it until you heard his voice. You finished the dance; you didn’t want to make a scene. As soon as the song ended, you grabbed Nicole and practically dragged her to the bathroom with you.

“What the hell is wrong with you?!” you shouted, not even bothering to check to see if there was anyone else in the restroom.

“Y/N, I know what you are thinking and I am sorry. I really am. Rob asked Gil not to tell me. I didn’t find out until today. Gil was in charge of the music and I didn’t know. I swear.” Nicole was telling the truth, you could see it in her eyes.

“I know, I’m sorry I yelled at you on your wedding day. I just wish I had known he was going to be here,” you sniffed and grabbed another tissue.

“Hey, at least the music is good. Let’s just go have a good time and forget about it, yeah? It is my wedding day and you have to do what I say!” Nicole proclaimed, as was her right today.

“Fine! But I am getting drunk and you are paying for my cab!” You agreed and you both headed back to her reception.

You were well past drunk and incredibly proud of yourself for keeping it together. Well, you were until the band took a break. Rob approached you at the bar, buying your next drink.

“Rob, why? That is all I want to know,” you pleaded with him, without daring to look at him. “We have been playing this game for two years. I thought everything was fine. Was is easy? No, but we were dealing with the separations while you were on tour. Then, you fell off the face of the earth. You stop calling, you don’t come over. And just when I think I can get past it, you fucking show up when I least expect it or can handle it.”

“Y/N, Honey, I am so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I am a coward and I know it. I am scared of what this is, so the only thing I know to do is cut and run. Tonight hasn’t been easy; Gil is mad, Nicole is pissed and you won’t even look at me,” Rob stated.

“Rob, I can’t do this anymore. Just, do me a favor, please. Please don’t chase me anymore unless you’re ready to catch me.“ You turned your back and walked away, calling a cab on your way out of the reception hall.

2013

The past two years had been kind to you professionally, but personally, your life was still a hot mess. Nicole was the only person who knew how bad it had gotten. You avoided going anywhere there was remotely a chance you would run into Rob.

Nicole burst through your apartment door like she owned the place. “Get up and get in the damn shower, Y/N. I am tired of your moping, It has been two damn years and I am not putting up with this anymore. I am your best friend and I love you like a pain in the ass sister, but enough. I am taking you to Vegas for the weekend and no arguing.”

You knew there was no use arguing with her when her angry Irish made an appearance, so you shuffled to the bathroom and reluctantly got in. When you emerged thirty minutes later, feeling slightly refreshed, you gasped. Nicole had your bags already packed and an outfit ready.

“Come on! We can be there by noon!” Nicole helped you get ready and you were on the road within thirty minutes and Vegas bound. It was cool for February, but the forecast was looking promising for Vegas as you checked your phone.

“Thanks, Nic. For always being there for me. For always being my rock, my cheerleader, my shoulder to cry on. I don’t know what I would do without you,” you told her as you sat in the spa chairs, manis and pedis in progress. You had dinner reservations over at the Rio and you were excited about the rest of your girls weekend.

You both were dressed and pressed and arrived a few minutes early for your reservation, so you played the slots while you waited. You looked over at your friend and she had never looked more beautiful, even on her wedding day. She looked so happy and after telling you the news of her pregnancy, it was easy to see why. It made you happy to see her happy, even if you would be drinking alone tonight.

Dinner was delicious as you finished up in the VooDoo Steakhouse. You had just consumed the best steak you had ever eaten and were perusing the dessert menu when you heard Nicole’s name.

“Oh hey! What are you doing here?” Nicole asked.

“We are in town playing the convention as always. What else do I do with my time?” Your stomach turned in knots and you felt like you were going to throw up. You dropped the dessert menu on the table and signaled the server for the check. Then you felt it, his hand on your shoulder. Warm, calloused and comforting; just as you remembered it. You took a deep breath and turned.

“Hey,” your voice was shaky, even as you tried to control it.

“Can I talk to you for a moment? Nicole, do you mind?” Rob asked her, not wanting to interrupt.

“Oh, yeah, we were done and I am tired anyway. Growing a baby is exhausting!” Nicole quickly paid and exited the restaurant, Rob taking the seat next to you.

“Y/N, Honey, I am so sorry. I know that is no excuse for what I have done or the way I have acted. I have kept myself so busy for the last two years, so I didn’t have time to think about what I was missing with you,” he admitted.

“Rob, please don’t. I told you at the wedding, I can’t do this anymore,” you stood to leave but he stopped you.

“I know what you said and I have done nothing but think about that. I have spent so much time avoiding you so I wouldn’t, but you’re still the first thing I think about when I wake and the last thing I think about before I fall asleep. You told me not to chase you anymore unless I was willing to catch you,” Rob paused, taking a breath and you took the chance to look at him for the first time in two years. There were tears rimming the edge of his brilliant blue eyes.

“I’m ready. I don’t want to waste my time anymore, just living, because without you, I’m not living, not really. I miss every single thing about you, and if you’ll let me, I’d like to try again. I never stopped loving you,” he confessed and you felt your heart beating too fast in your chest.

“Rob, I don’t think I will survive if you run again. I can’t lie and say I don’t love you anymore, but I don’t want to get hurt, not again,” you wiped away the stray tears as they fell.

“I promise you here and now, I won’t. I can’t promise there won’t be hard times, but I am not going anywhere this time. Please come to our concert tonight; everyone will be there,” Rob coaxed, his thumb rubbing small circles on the back of your hand as he spoke, not breaking eye contact once. “I don’t want to wait anymore. Let’s start now.”

“I think I would like that. I stopped listening to your music because it made me miss you and I cried all the time; the makeup department was not happy,” you laughed and it felt good.

2016

The next time you returned to Vancouver in early 2016, it was with Rob. That night in Vegas, he had poured his heart out to you and he hadn’t been lying. He really had changed and he never ran. It wasn’t all rainbows and glitter, but you were happier than ever before.

You had married almost a year ago and were now expecting your first baby in a less than four months. Rob was scheduled to film four episodes, as God of all characters, and didn’t want to be away from you, so with Jensen’s help, the two of rented a condo for a couple months and you would be back in Los Angeles in time to finish getting ready for the birth of your child.

You spent most of your time on set or sleeping in Jensen’s trailer, since it was bigger and more comfortable than the one they gave the guest stars. Jensen and Rob walked in while you just finishing some stretches, finding yoga helped with the small aches and pains of pregnancy.

“We brought you some lunch, Honey,” Rob told you as he set it down on the table before he helped you up off the floor.

“Good! Your child is always hungry!” you claimed as you dug into the street tacos they brought.

Jensen just laughed. “I remember when Dani was pregnant with JJ. They say every pregnancy is different, but I think hunger is the one constant.”

“Gen said the same thing!” you mumbled around another bite of taco, while Rob watched you with a look of shock or awe, you couldn’t tell which. “What? Do I have something on face?”

“No, I just can’t believe how lucky I am,” Rob laughed, kissing the top of your head.

“You’re lucky you got your act together and realized you couldn’t live without me,” you reminded him.

“Yes, yes I did. And now I don’t have to,” Rob agreed. “You let me catch you, finally.”

“You finally used the right bait and I took it, hook, line and sinker,” you smiled at your husband and realized you were both the lucky ones.

It was still complicated some days, but those days were few and far between. The passion that sparked in the beginning was still there and that was all that mattered to either of you anymore.

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