#tales from the backlot

[ginger-snap-makes-art]

Lucky: Tales From the Backlot

Lucky

Memoirs from the Backlot

By: Ginger Snap

1914

There are many things that one may constitute as ‘lucky’. It is lucky, for instance, to find 10 dollars on your way to work. To see your cat sleeping comfortably on the neighbors porch after he took off through the open front door. To have a warm, safe home and parents who love you. To not be turned into an immortal creature of the night by a nefarious nosferatu with a textile mill to fill, and to love someone very dearly and openly without societal or personal repercussions.

If you were to judge one’s luck on those factors, Benoit Blanchette (or Blanchet, if you asked him how to spell it) and William O’Reilly were possibly the two most unlucky people alive.

But, none of that was enough to ruin them. After all, the two had managed to find each other after all their time apart, find new friends and new found glory as a preteen pair of vampire abolitionists, and even began to heal the many wounds their impossible childhoods set upon them. Now, decades away from where they had begun, the two maintained steady employment, changing the world in whatever ways they could through film making.

Benny winding days away rearranging scenes and talking actors through motivations to characters lives they would never fully want to understand. William spending hours upon hours putting pen to paper-dutifully writing dialogue and prose burning with love and longing and passion that would put a tear in the eye of any easily impressed actresses on set. Then, every night they could look forward to coming to their small, one room cabin and sharing their woes and wonders from the quick days around the lot. Talking long into the night about new ideas, old friends and adventures journeyed on together, and sometimes just lying next to each other-both feeling content in each other's warmth and company.

To spend not a day apart from one another, and to feel fulfilled in their livelihoods was to feel quite lucky indeed.

It’s a shame that their luck always found a way to run dry.

------------------------------------------------------------

“Two days???” William repeated, incredulous to his boss as he reiterated the information for the 4th time.

“He’ll be completely safe, we just need him for a meeting in Chicago with some benefactors. They’re very surprised we’d even allow a vampire on set and we just think Benoit will be a better representative for the company. He’s less….”

“Tall?” Benny offered.

“…intimidating. You’re very good with the people on set but I worry your stature and quiet demeanor would make them nervous. Also Zippy stares and it frightens people.” Mr. Horsley finished as delicately as possible. “Anyway, we can’t force you to do anything but we can’t afford to take you both. It’s Benny or I have nothing.”

William wanted to call bull. He was just as charming as Benny. Sure, Benny had those soft, deep eyes and that warm country twang and that bravado that came so naturally when telling a story you’d think he was born for entertainment; but he also had a propensity for putting his foot in his mouth. Like everything else about him Benny would let his words get too fast for his own good and wind up saying something that would earn him a death glare at best and gunshot to the chest at worst. What if he wasn’t there to stop any problems, what would happen then? God he couldn’t handle it if Benny got himself hurt because he wasn’t there to balance out all his loud bombastic energy.

“But I-“

“William,” Benny interjected. “It’s fine. I can handle two days with Horsley and a few other oldies.” He gave William an assuring smile that didn’t quite meet his eyes. “I’ll be okay.”

“Well…if you’re sure, I trust you…” William replied nervously.

Benny threw another shirt in his suitcase. “Alright, I’ll call that packed. When do I get going?” He asked, pulling the bag over his shoulder.

“The car is just about packed up-just give the driver your bag on your way out and we’ll leave in 30.”

Benny’s face paled a little. At the best of times moving machines made Benny ill. Trains, boats-even carousels got his stomach to lurch uncomfortably-but cars were the absolute worst. They were too slow for him and made little rocking and ricketing motions that felt so unnatural. But, Benny couldn’t afford to get lost running there himself and the producers felt the need to ‘coach’ Benny on proper etiquette for the meeting. He supposed that you could only tell so many stories about turning well-to-do mages into paste before someone got nervous introducing you to wealthy folk.

William nudged him and gave him a look, silently asking:

“You gonna be okay?”

Benny swallowed hard and nodded. Horsley turned around and left the room, leaving the two alone.

“Hey, you know you don’t have to do this, right?” William asked.

“I know but, it’ll be good for the company. They’ve done a lot for us, I can manage this.”

“This is the longest we’ll have been apart since….” William trailed off.

He didn’t need to finish, they both knew what he was going to say.

“Yeah…I know…but, hey! We’ve been through worse! We can handle two days away from each other! Hell, it’ll probably be good for us: we need to know we can still survive on our own, right?” Benny asked.

William felt his throat tighten a little. He couldn’t even fathom going through a whole day with his best friend being there at some point. It wasn’t like they were in danger or anything, not like before they joined Nester studios. But still, he couldn’t imagine going to sleep alone tonight. Part of him did worry like he’d somehow be unable to make it through two boring days alone on a quiet, unassuming film set in the middle of nowhere. Stupid as that felt.

“Yeah. Yeah that’ll be good.” He finally responded.

If Benny felt any more confident than William he might’ve commented on how he obviously didn’t believe that, but it felt a little like calling the kettle black. So instead he changed the subject.

“Alright, well, since I’m gonna be gone and I do most of the chores around here I should probably run down what needs to be done.”

William groaned. “Oh come onnnnnn, they can’t wait a few days?” William hated doing chores. Anytime he tried anything around the house it was like his brain leaked out of his ears and he would manage to screw the simplest things up. He just wasn’t built for domestic labor. Thank god Benny was so naturally good at it and got a weird joy out of keeping a home, so it never seemed to matter.

Benny rolled his eyes. “No, dummy. We got a schedule to keep up with, if we give up on it now we’ll never get back on it. It’s just a few simple tasks: I think you’ll manage while I’m gone. Yer the smartest guy I know, after all.”

“…how am I a dummy and ‘the smartest guy you know’?”

“I don’t know a lot of people.” Benny shot back a shrug.

“On second thought, why don’t you up the trip to a week?”

-----------------------------------------------------------

Benny waved one final goodbye to William and Zippy before hopping in the back seat of the car and speeding off onto the main road.

Zippy and William watched the car disappear into the distance until only dust clouds remained.

“Alright Zippy, it’s just you and me for the next two days! What’s the play? Chess? Darts? You wanna get really into wood carving and then give up on it a week in?” William asked.

“Oh.” Zippy scratched the back of his neck. “I actually have plans.”

“Wait, seriously?”

“Yeah I’m gonna go dig a really deep hole in the desert with some of the grips.”

“Why?”

“Seemed fun.”

“...Can I come?”

“I don’t really think it’s my place to invite anyone…”

“Oh…well…have fun?”

“Yeah…”

The two stood next to each other awkwardly for a few moments before Zippy cleared his throat and walked away to find his hole digging buddies.

“Welp….guess I could get started on that chore list…or maybe I’ll get a head start on my script revisions for Saturday? I’ve got this, I’m not gonna let a little loneliness get me down! I’m also gonna stop talking to myself…publicly…like a total freak…” William’s eyes glanced around at the few crew members giving him confused looks before spinning on his heel and walking inside.

“Okay, I have two days to revise my latest script, do the laundry, sweep the floors, and clean those blood reserve bottles that have definitely coagulated by now. And then I’ve just got to fill the rest of the time with super cool, fun stuff that I’ll brag to Benny about. Piece of cake!”

-----------------------------------------------------------

Two Days Later

Benny stopped on his heels in front of the one room cabin he called home, panting slightly after his journey. It may have been a long run home, but he could not handle being in that car the whole back. For multiple reasons. He rubbed a hand on his face roughly, trying to steady his breaths and soften the obvious anger lines on his face as he approached the front door.

He reached for the knob, but stopped when he heard William talking on the other side.

“Honestly, who do they think they are? ‘Oh, Benoit is just less intimidating than you!’ Bullshit, what does he have that I don’t? Of course between me and Benny it’s always him, isn’t it? Always the talented one, always the charming one-just so lucky to be so blessed. Bet he’s having a wonderful time right now schmoozing rich bastards out of their fortunes with that stupid country accent and those big, ridiculous stories. I’d have stories too if I wasn’t rotting in a mill for a fucking decade. But no, instead Benny is out there living it up while I’m stuck here like a loser who can’t shake out a fucking plot to save his life! God, why is script writing so fucking hard?!” Benny heard the clattering of something crashing against the wall.

Tears burned the corners of his eyes. He took a shaky breath, steeled his nerves, wiped his face, and turned around. If that was really how he felt then he wouldn’t bother burdening him with an early arrival. As he went to step down the front steps he lost his footing, cursing as he tumbled into the dirt below. As he struggled to his feet he heard the sound of the door swinging open and William was standing above him on the porch. As if he didn’t feel small enough already. Ugh, and his hair was down. He had no idea why but somehow William’s hair being in that messy, unruly state of curls and frizz like he had just woken up from a hard night's sleep always made his mouth go dry and-

“Benny? I thought you weren’t supposed to be back for another 8 hours.” William’s voice broke through his racing thoughts.

“Meetin’ ended early. I chose not to stay behind for the drive back. Ran home as fast as I could.” He hoped his words didn’t sound too bitter. “You seemed busy so I figured I would come back later.” He dusted off his jacket and started walking away.

“No!” William yelped suddenly. He paused awkwardly, seemingly surprised at his own outburst. “I mean, uh, I just wasn’t expecting you so soon but it’s really great to have you back early.”

Benny scowled. “You sure? I would think my ‘stupid country accent’ would just distract you while you tried to work.” He spat.

“Oh…you heard that?” William looked at the ground shamefully. “Benny, I didn’t mean any-“

“I’m sure you didn’t.” Benny cut him off haughtily. “I’m sure you didn’t mean for me to overhear any of it.”

“Benny, come on I was frustrated. You know I don't actually think any of that stuff.”

Benny huffed and crossed his arms, looking away.

“If it makes you feel any better, I’m pretty sure the only reason Horsley picked me over you was because the old rich bastards had way more fun making fun of me than they would’ve anybody else. Just one more person out there who can feel better knowin’ they’re smarter than me, right?”

“That’s ridiculous-Horsley is a nice guy, there’s no way he’d bring you along just to throw you to the dogs.”

“If he wanted someone that makes vampires look good he would’ve just taken you.” He sat down on the front steps, head in his hands. “God, I’m such an idiot; I seriously believed that someone saw somethin’ worth seein’ in me. Somethin’ besides a complete joke anyway.”

William sat down next to him, unsure of what to do.

Benny looked up at him, wearily. “ Do you have any idea what it’s like bein’ friends with someone who’s better than you at everythin’ that matters?”

William looked back at him, incredulous. “Are…are you fucking serious right now?”

Benny raised an eyebrow. “Yeah? Everyone knows it-you’re the one who’s got everything going for him. Looks, smarts, talent, charm. I’m just the guy who can run fast and is lucky to be your friend.”

William’s eyes narrowed. “ That’s not funny, Benoit.”

“What’s not funny?”

“This. This bullshit you’re pulling on me right now.” He stood back up, fiddling with his needle as he paced. “Do I know what it’s like? As a matter of fact, I do. I’m not an idiot, Benny. There’s no way you don’t notice the way every crew member is enthralled by your stories, how everyone seems to be saved just in the nick of time by your oh-so-sage wisdom about cowboy bullshit, how every two bit actress on set blushes and giggles around you like a braindead, lovesick, basketcase!” He made a frustrated, strangled noise and flopped back down. “Meanwhile, I’M the loser who writes crappy, pulpy, mediocre romance he’s never actually experienced and gets left behind when it’s time to do any of the real studio changing work.”

“Oh don’t give me that.” Benny responded, face flush. “I’m a novelty to our crew, your writin’ is the only thing good and earnest enough to keep these films afloat with all the trashy actors comin’ and goin’, and don’t get me started on all the actresses who I have to hear gush about that ‘tall, mysterious writer’ who gives them their scripts every week!” He groaned. “I’m not even a good director, I’m just a lousy stagehand with a fancier title to make me feel better-you’re the real creative genius.”

“You’re plenty creative.”

“Name one thing I do that isn’t yell ‘cut’ and ‘roll’ and do whiskey runs for Fahrney.” Benny grumbled.

William paused. He hadn’t expected to bring this one up today but he supposed if they were truly airing it all out.

“...You used to play music a lot.”

“Psh. I knew, like, one song.”

“Oh come on, don’t lie to me. I know you wrote some songs yourself. You just don’t ever share them for some reason.”

The color drained from Benny’s face. “How did you- Y-you haven’t heard any of ‘em, did you?”

“No. But I know you write them sometimes in your journal-don’t look at me like that; I know you journal when you think no one’s around, dumbass-and you hum when you write music.”

Benny stared down at his boots. William took his lack of response as clearance to continue.

“I miss your music. What happened to it?”

“Honestly? My guitar broke in Virginia when we had to fight through that swarm of-”

“giant bees with the silver tipped stingers, oh yeah. You broke it over that mage’s skull.” William finished.

“Well he was gonna get the jump on you; I couldn’t let that happen!”

William smiled for the first time since the conversation started, but quickly waned again. “ So, why didn’t you ever get a new one?” He asked. “It’s been years.”

“Didn’t think anyone cared for it much. Gets disheartenin’ after a spell to keep doing somethin’ that everyone around you doesn’t seem to like.”

“I liked it.”

“Why? You don’t listen to music much. Last time we were in the city you hated all the music we heard. Said it was just noisy bullshit.”

“I don’t know…I guess it’s different when it’s you.”

It didn’t seem possible for Benny’s face to get hotter and redder. He said nothing. William shuffled in closer, placing his bad hand on top of Benny’s. Benny gently brought it up to his bad cheek, and the two sat there, any remaining frustration from their spat evaporating and disappearing like mist in the wind.

“We can’t do this to each other.” William said. “We can’t get this jealous of each other. It’s not fair-it just hurts us. I don’t know about you, but I’ve had my fill of leaving you with scars.”

Benny pressed William’s hand harder against his cheek, like he was trying to memorize the feeling of his coarse, black palm contoured against his skin. Normally he’d flinch or wince if that part of his face was touched, but if it hurt he didn’t show any sign of it.

“I’d do anything to keep from leaving you hurt again, Willie. It’s just so hard to see myself as someone with anythin’ when I’m standin’ next to you, you’re so just so…lord I can’t think of a word strong enough to describe what you are. Some days I wake up and I think I must be the luckiest guy in America to be lyin’ next to you.”

“Psh, you’re one to talk.” William smiled, heat burning at his cheeks. “Some days when I wake up next to you and see your face it’s like I’m staring at the sun…but if it didn’t hurt to look directly at the sun, I mean. It’s not that you’re hard to look at, it's that you’re-I’m getting off track.” He took a breath. “I can’t believe I know someone like you. You’re not just something Benny-you’re everything I want.” William paused, eyes flickering with the recognition of what he’d just said, muscles tightening. “ Uh, to be. Everything I want to be.”

“Even with my stupid accent?” Benny laughed, somehow missing the obvious faux pas just committed in front him.

William’s body untensed. “It’s like honeyed silk on my ears.”

“I don’t think that makes sense.”

“It doesn’t have to, it sounds nice.”

“Well you would know-you’re the talented writer here.” Benny smirked up at him, like he had just won an argument William didn’t know they were still having.

William laughed, playfully shoving him away. “Fine, you got me. Maybe I’m not the worst at my job or something, I don’t know.”

The two sat there for just a moment more, wondering if the air felt this warm and comfortable to anyone else in the world right now.

“Alright, enough sappy shit, I need a drink and a change of clothes.” Benny stood up, preparing to head inside.

William shot up, looking more nervous than ever. “Uhhhhh, you sure you aren’t in the mood to go visit Zippy or something first? I hear he dug a really deep hole while you were gone!”

“What?”

“Yeah I don’t know. Or maybe we could-”

“William,” Benny stopped him. “Did you not get all the chores done?”

“Well, I, uh-”

“Come on buddy, it’s okay.” Benoit assured, opening the front door. I'm sure what you did manage was plenty goo-oh dear lord what did you do?”

“I can explain.”

“I have no idea how you possibly could in a way that makes sense but I am dyin’ to know what’s on the ceilin’.”

“That would be our bedsheets.”

“...You know what? If I had seen this before I overheard you talking shit I might’ve been more less upset because if I managed to do this to the house in two days I’d have a breakdown too.”

William laughed nervously. “At least you know for sure there’s something important that you’re always going to be better at than me?” He shrugged.

Benoit blinked a few times.

“Are you mad? You can be mad.” William winced.

Benny’s eyes scanned the room, still in disbelief before a cackle escaped his throat. William looked down at him as he started to double over with laughter and smiled, only one thought going through his head.

“How did I get so lucky?”

[alias-milamber]

Parables of the Lost Voyage: Nevermore

The Nevermore is three things, one of those things is a hundred things, and another of those things is a million words and counting.

The Nevermore is a space on the Feed, way deep in the backlots of the protocol, a native text based community space with a single owning entity. |comm|media|global|nevermore. Its content varies. Ebbs and flows over timezones and orbits. Community gossip; media analysis; short stories. Tales of grand heists that - if fictional - display detailed knowledge of a crime that actually happened. Treasure maps. Reviews. Parables. Clues. The archive on the feed predates the fall. Predates the Feed, even. Comes from the evolving technology that became the feed.

The Nevermore is a reporter who puts out far more words than is physically possible to type, mentally possible to process. An Ego over hundreds of bodies, who break off into Morphs and go into the universe to see what is out there and come back. A distributed human who, between them, stretches the edges of how much a single ego can handle. Each new morph has nearly everything every previous morph has ever reported. They grow with time, with knowledge. They look like everything and everyone.

The Nevermore is a future time when the Nevermore and the Nevermore have achieved their goals of documentation, where all that is known is said, and all that knows has said it. It is not the end of the world for anyone but them, but they know what the last story will be and who will tell it before they fall silent.

It isn't soon, though. Not soon.

(The Parables of the Lost Voyage are a short series of fiction pieces exploring the world around an Eclipse Phase campaign I’m planning)

[elenavita]

“I have a strange story to tell you about Heath,” says Purefoy. It goes like this: A Knight’s Tale was filmed at Barrandov Studios in Prague. Here, Purefoy first met Ledger to shoot the scene in which the Black Prince rescues William from the stocks. “He may appear to be of humble origins, but my personal historians have discovered that he is descendent from an ancient royal line…” Great scene, especially enjoyable for how Purefoy sells the line: “This is my word, and as such is beyond con-tes-tation.”

Several years later and Purefoy is back at Barrandov Studios, being crucified for the Jacobean fantasy Solomon Kane. “It’s chucking down with rain, and then we’re going to use rain machines on top of that. I’m up there on the cross. And a bloke comes up.” He smiles, murmurs, “Heath would appreciate this’’, and continues.

“A bloke comes up on a cherry picker to bang the nails between my fingers. He’s there in his high-vis jacket, and he goes, [Purefoy slips into a Czech accent]: ‘Have you heard the news today? Heath Ledger died.’

“I met Heath on the backlot of Barrandov, and then I heard that he died within ten paces of where I first met him. The coincidence is bizarre…” For a moment, I sense Purefoy has slipped back in time to be with the man on the cherry picker, with Heath. “But yeah, lovely man. A lovely, lovely man. And a terrible, terrible loss.”

The film turns 20 this year – any plans to commemorate the anniversary? Table reads are very popular at the moment. “They are, aren’t they? I’d be very happy to do that. I think the difficulty, obviously, is with Heath dying – the main event, if you like, is not there. It would take a brave person to step in.”

https://squaremile.com/culture/james-purefoy-actor-interview/

[brucefromfamilyguy]

you're a man

Bruce is a major recurring character on Family Guy, known for his various jobs.

Bruce rarely appeared at all in the first three seasons of the show, but has become a recurring character since the show returned from cancellation.

He first appeared as the clerk of a horror novelty shop in "Chitty Chitty Death Bang". In "The Cleveland-Loretta Quagmire", he teaches a CPR course at the Quahog Community Center. His name was first revealed when he appeared as a member of the school board committee of James Woods Regional High School in "No Chris Left Behind". This position was implied when he heard the name change proposal to Martin Luther King, Jr. Memorial High School sought by Shauna Parks and Brian Griffin in "Peter's Got Woods".

He appear as a Tetris piece in "Prick Up Your Ears" and as a medium in "Petergeist". He worked for Exotic Entertainment.

In "Road to the Multiverse", he performs "It’s A Wonderful Day for Pie" as a parody of Tinker Bell in the Disney-style universe.

He is Peter Griffin's lawyer for his trial in the accused murder of his wife Lois in "Stewie Kills Lois". He calls Jeffrey about Stewie in "Lois Kills Stewie", and about Peter's mustache in "McStroke".

In "Boys Do Cry", he offers communion wafers with wine. He explicitly warns Stewie not to drink the wine.

In "Baby Not On Board", he is a masseuse.

He appeared at O.J. Simpson's welcome party in "The Juice Is Loose", and joins the mob that chases him out of town.

In "Peter's Two Dads", he is the therapist who helps Peter realize that Francis Griffin is not his biological father.

He debates which groceries to leave behind while in the ten items or less line in "Brian Sings and Swings".

It has been hinted that he may be homosexual throughout the series, such as in "McStroke" when a mustachioed Peter walks by. He has a friend named Jeffrey and in "Road to the North Pole", he declares in "All I Really Want For Christmas" that he wants to marry Jeffrey. Seth MacFarlane confirmed Bruce's homosexuality in an interview with LGBT website The Backlot, citing him as an example of a positive gay character on the show.

In "The Splendid Source", it is revealed that he works at the bowling alley, selling rental shoes. He is one of the people to whom the dirty joke is traced. It s revealed he also has a pet rabbit named Steven.

He plays Greedo in Blue Harvest and Admiral Piett in Something, Something, Something, Dark Side.

In "Tales of a Third Grade Nothing", he seems to be the only one who enjoyed the performance of "Guys & Dolls". He also enjoys ginger ale.

He is the announcer of Lois Griffin's boxing match against Deirdre Jackson in "Baby, You Knock Me Out".

He is an alcoholic, participating in Alcoholics Anonymous meetings Peter attends in "Friends of Peter G".

Bruce can be seen as Stewie rides through town under Brian's car in "Family Guy Viewer Mail No. 2".

The uncensored version of "Ratings Guy" includes a scene of Peter getting a haircut from Bruce, who shaves a misshapen, deformed penis into the back of his head. When Peter questions it, Bruce runs out crying, noting that some people have had an accident.

Bruce is teamed up with Bonnie Swanson in the three-legged race in "He's Bla-ack!".

In the courtroom scene in "The Simpsons Guy", the openly gay Bruce is seated next to the closeted gay Waylon Smithers.

Throughout the series, Mike Henry has given certain anthropomorphic creatures such as Jaws and a Xenomorph the same voice as he's given Bruce.

Bruce is revealed to be 52 in "Underage Peter", having told Jeffrey that he was 39.

In "Married...With Cancer", Bruce officiates Brian's wedding and remarks that it's another wedding he has to watch. He makes his intentions of marriage known to Jeffrey who nervously looks away.

Bruce and the Kool-Aid Man swap bodies in "Switch the Flip". He also has a crowd scene cameo in "No Giggity, No Doubt".

Under pressure from his parents Phil & Candy Straight, Bruce proposes to Meg in "Meg's Wedding". She refuses to acknowledge that he's gay at first, but stops the ceremony and admits she's aware after finding pictures in his phone. He is forced to not only confront his parents, but proposes and marries his long-time boyfriend Jeffery.

Episode Appearances

FG103 "Chitty Chitty Death Bang"

FG207 "The King Is Dead"

FG309 "Mr. Saturday Knight"

FG405 "The Cleveland-Loretta Quagmire"

FG411 "Peter's Got Woods"

FG419 "Brian Sings and Swings"

FG423 "Deep Throats"

FG425 "You May Now Kiss the...Uh...Guy Who Receives"

FG426 "Petergeist"

FG427 "Untitled Griffin Family History" (as ancestor Tobi)

FG508 "Barely Legal"

FG510 "Peter's Two Dads"

FG515 "Boys Do Cry"

FG516 "No Chris Left Behind"

FG601 Blue Harvest (as Greedo)

FG604 "Stewie Kills Lois"

FG605 "Lois Kills Stewie"

FG608 "McStroke"

FG704 "Baby Not On Board"

FG706 "Tales of a Third Grade Nothing"

FG709 "The Juice Is Loose"

FG710 "FOX-y Lady"

FG714 "We Love You, Conrad" (uncensored version)

FG801 "Road to the Multiverse"

FG808 "Dog Gone"

FG812 "Extra Large Medium"

FG813 "Go, Stewie, Go!"

FG819 "The Splendid Source"

FG820 Something, Something, Something, Dark Side (as Captain/Admiral Piett)

FG905 "Baby, You Knock Me Out"

FG907 "Road to the North Pole"

FG909 "New Kidney in Town" (mentioned)

FG911 "Friends of Peter G"

FG913 "Trading Places"

FG1001 "Lottery Fever"

FG1012 "Livin' on a Prayer"

FG1017 "Forget-Me-Not"

FG1018 "You Can't Do That On Television, Peter"

FG1021 "Tea Peter"

FG1022 "Family Guy Viewer Mail No. 2"

FG1102 "Ratings Guy"

FG1108 "Jesus, Mary & Joseph" (as the Angel of the Lord)

FG1112 "Valentine's Day in Quahog"

FG1116 "12 and a Half Angry Men"

FG1119 "Save the Clam"

FG1201 "Finders Keepers"

FG1210 "Grimm Job" (in fairy tale)

FG1220 "He's Bla-ack!"

FG1221 "Chap Stewie"

FG1301 "The Simpsons Guy"

FG1316 "Roasted Guy"

FG1403 "Guy, Robot"

FG1404 "Peternormal Activity" (uncensored version)

FG1414 "Underage Peter"

FG1502 "Bookie of the Year"

FG1516 "Saturated Fat Guy"

FG1605 "Three Directors"

FG1613 "V is for Mystery"

FG1617 "Switch the Flip"

FG1701 "Married...With Cancer"

FG1702 "Dead Dog Walking"

FG1703 "Pal Stewie" (heard)

FG1712 "Bri, Robot" (mentioned

FG1715 "No Giggity, No Doubt"

FG1717 "Island Adventure"

FG1803 "Absolutely Babulous" (mentioned)

FG1805 "Cat Fight"

FG1807 "Heart Burn"

FG1816 "Start Me Up"

FG1818 "Better Off Meg"

FG1819 "Holly Bibble"

FG1902 "The Talented Mr. Stewie"

FG1903 "Boys & Squirrels"

FG1905 "La Famiglia Guy"

FG1906 "Meg's Wedding"

FG1907 "Wild Wild West"

FG1914 "The Marrying Kind"

FG2006 "Cootie & the Blowhard"

FG2007 "Peterschmidt Manor"

FG2008 "The Birthday Bootlegger"

FG2014 "HBO-No"

FG2015 "Hard Boiled Meg"

FG2016 "Prescription Heroine"

FG2101 "Oscars Guy"

FG2115 "Adoptation"

FG2117 "A Bottle Episode"

FG2201 "Fertilized Megg"

FG2203 "A 'Stache from the Past"

FG2209 "The Return of the King (of Queens)"

[anonameisadditions]

Not A Hedge Wizard: Paranormal Detective Fiction, about mundane people.

Jackson had never seen a giant in person before, but his cousin had been telling him for weeks about The Goliath. 20 Wins, 4 Ties, 0 Losses was where the Goliath stood in the big city in the dense woods, Portland, Oregon. The Warehouse. The building was an unassuming skeleton made of concrete and plaster set right in the center of the industrial district on the west side of town, beyond the bridges and the boujee 5 star dine-in’s and gastro-pubs.

“Are you sure this is the place?” Shelly asked, pointing out to the graffiti-covered warehouse. Jackson slid his hand across the console of the car, and patted her leg.

“Sure as sure can be, dolly. Robert doesn’t spin tales.” he said, in a voice thicker than a briarpatch. Jackson extracted a wad of gum from his mouth, and flicked it out the window, as per instructed. Then, he honked the car three times, before stepping out and walking to the bumper of his car. Jackson sat down on the front bumper, setting a 20 dollar bill out behind the angelic hood ornament on his cherry-red truck. Finally, the piece-de-resistance- A fortune cookie, extracted from his front shirt pocket.

A minute passed. Jackson’s fingernail dug into his mud-soaked romeos. The fortune cookie rose off the hood of the car, and the cheap cellophane wrapper was shucked. The cookie split, and the paper fortune extracted from its carbohydrate cocoon.

“‘You will find yourself entangled in challenges that you could not foresee coming. Do not lose faith, stay the path’. That’s one fruity fortune, I’ll tell you- Where the hell did you get this?” A voice, nasally and smug, spilled from the thin air in front of Jackson. Half of the fortune cookie crumpled into the man’s mouth, before disappearing into the void. 

“Chang’s Diner.” Jackson said.

“Never heard of it-  you a local?”

“Nope. Drove in this morning. Can we wrap this up? I wanna get good seats.”

“Yeah, Yeah. Step out of the car, I’ll get it into the backlot. Head up to the garage- I’ll let them know you’re coming.”

“Great.” Jackson stood up, and rapped on the front hood of the muscle car, winking at Shelly.

“TWO STRIKES FROM GOLIATH- THREE STRIKES FROM GOLIATH - AND COBRA IS ON THE ROPES!” The announcer screamed from his plinth, as the crowd bustled and jeered at the decadent orgy of violence. 

“Jesus, you see that, Shelly? He’s like- 8 feet tall, how the hell is this a fair fight?” Jackson whisper-yelled into Shelly’s ear, his beefy arm wrapped around her.  Shelly shrugged, and gave a smirk. 

“Well, of course he’d choose an easy fight.” Shelly remarked.

“What do you mean by that, Walnut?”

“He organizes the fights, Jackson.”

“And? Look at him, up there.” Jackson stated, pointing with his hand curled around a cup of beer. The bell rang- it’s the end of the round, and Goliath is back in his corner, arms outstretched on the ropes. He was huge- a head like a cro-magnon and long, sinewy muscles made of focused practice and a lifetime of violence. Jackson was once fit, tough- a boxer himself- but age and penmanship had turned his former 6 pack into a kegstand. 

But the Goliath, a giant, loved to parade his story to anyone who’d listen in the darkened corners of bars and eateries in Portland. A street kid spent too long by himself in junkyards and ghettos, found himself growing a chin of steel and bones made of stones, and instead of scaring the townsfolk and getting himself burned to death, he makes lemonade out of lemons with one hell of a personal trainer, and a dream. Not that the Arena was a breadwinner- It was an open secret that Goliath poured every cent he earned into it.

The bell was struck. To the center, Goliath touched gloves with The Cobra- A shorter, lithe combatant with snake irises and a pattern of red and black scales running down his chest. His tongue flicked out, lapping in the aroma of the Goliath- Long, forlorn, and bulky. The bout began with Goliath on the assault, bearing down on the Cobra with a flurry of jabs and straights, like a tank on a tread. The Cobra, however, weaved through a thread of action between each strike, still waiting for his chance to move in, an audible hiss cutting above the din of the crowd. 

“Scuzeeeeeee me. I think, you and yer lady friend are in my spot, actually…” A voice between a helium balloon deflating and a drunken cat getting stepped on slurred. Jackson felt Shelly’s hand grab his arm. Her eyes flicked up to Jackson’s. 

The writer shook his head, and rubbed his nose. Ignore. He’ll go away.

The drunkard leaned down, spilling himself into Shelly’s lap, his hand clenched on her shoulder. He smelled of beer and cheap cigarettes, and his scraggly mop of reddish hairs hung off his forehead like a moss clinging to bark. Jackson felt his jaw ache. Ignore, Ignore. Ignore.

He pouted, and snorted a line of snot back into his nose. Shelly avoided eye contact, staring right through him. The man leaned back in a stumbling backstep, and came forward, snapping his fingers in Shelly’s face. 

“Wha- Come on, this is MY SEAT! I paid for it, Go ask the gillman at the front, c’mon… Ar’ you enchanted or something?” He demanded. Shelly’s grip tightened on Jackson’s arm. Alright, enough.

“Hey, how about you leave the lady alone, buddy?” Jackson said. The drunkard made eye contact with Jackson, staring at him as if the metal folding chair he sat on had begun to speak.

“Whu- do you even LIVE HERE, you ogre?” The drunkard said. Jackson’s fist clenched around his wife's chair. She let out a gentle sigh, and scooted closer to her husband. Jackson raised an eyebrow, a tell he picked up in his youth from the sport- Try it again, and I’ll rip your goddamn heart out.

The drunkard’s eye twitched. His chapped lips pursed, and flattened, and bulged?

“Uuuuuuuuuurp.”

From beyond his lips came forth a thin, brownish slime that slipped out from his clenched mouth. Then, the bulbous frogging of his cheeks, and the release. It splattered down the lap of Shelly’s cornflower yellow dress, staining it a dark green with spots of bright fluorescent orange. Fragments of corn puffs and pretzel bites clung to the loose fabric. With the patience of a saint, Shelly took a deep, long inhale through her nose, and held her breath in a caught scream. 

“OH, THE BIG GUY’S MAD NOW!!!” screamed the announcer, as the Goliath took a withering punch to the nose. His lips flared, the blood-red mouthguard clenched under his molars. 

Jackson stood up, and kicked his chair back, stepping beyond Shelly. His fingers ached under the clench of his thumb. His neck cracked and warped, and his canines screeched against his lower teeth. The drunkard stumbled back, wiping the vomit off his mouth with the back of his hand. Jackson’s hair bristled- COWARD.

“Hey, man, I uh- No harm done, take my seat-” The soon-to-be-deadman eulogized. Jackson’s fist cocked back, and he gave a hungry grin. A thin, beastal pant was building in his chest, his coiled prey drive waking up and stretching for a walk. 

For a moment, Jackson feels bad. Ding goes the bell.

The drunkard fell, his nose crunched under the werewolves fist. He panted, and slobbered, and crawled away like a roach with dementia. The crowd gave him a wary glance, and resumed their observation of the real fight. Jackson lifted the man by the back collar of his jacket, as you would a dog by the scruff of his neck. The beast flipped his cellphone out of his pocket, rapidly dialing a number, and kicked open the sliding door of the arena. 

“Wait, Wait, you can’t fuckin’ kill me, I’m a witch, I’m a witch, I’m a witch.” He sobbed, clutching Jackson’s arm in his sweaty palms. 

“Calm down. I’m not going to kill you. Give me your name.” Jackson barked. The drunkard gulped, and responded.

“Fuck, man, please- I’m- I’m Instanbul. Jus- let me go.” Istanbul cried. 

“What a name. Hello?” Jackson responded, before leaning back to his phone.

“RunWyld Cabs, Portland. Who am I speaking to?”

“Jackson Brun-Hilde. I need a car for my friend…” Jackson winced. “Istanbul.”

“Uh… huh. Where are you?” The operator said. Jackson rattled off the address of the Arena, and dropped the witch to the floor. His body made a firm thwack against the cracked concrete. 

“Alright, where are you going, sir?” The operator said. 

“Nowhere. You’ll be taking my drunk friend here home, wherever that is.”

“Is he awake? Can you ask him for his address?”

Jackson leaned down, and grabbed the back of the drunkard’s neck, raising him off the concrete. Snot ran down his nose, and his breaths rasped through his lips. Jackson put the flip phone against Istanbul's ear, and motioned for him to talk.

“H-Hello? Yeah, uh… umm… 7334 NE Terrance… Yeah, Northside… Ok. Ummmm… Yeah, I have a credit card…” He sputtered. Jackson looked down at the hedge-wizard- covered in dirt, blood smeared across his forehead- and felt a pang of guilt. The wolfman sat down on the curb next to the drunkard, and sighed. 

“Jesus, you’re a mess. What’s the big idea of trying to raise a fight at an unfortunate’s hideaway, anyways? I thought you guys were above it all.”

The hedge wizard crawled forward and swung his legs up into a fetal position. His chin was set between his kneecaps. His gaze narrowed forward, the glare of a man struggling not to dry heave.

“You stole my seat, man. I just wanted my seat back.”

“Bullshit, I was glued to 20C since the show started, and your enchanted ass never showed up.”

“... 20C?”

“20C.”

“... I was in the wrong section. Goddamnit. I’m sorry for vomiting on your gals dress.”

Istanbul rested his head on top of his knees, looking over at Jackson. An apology from a witch was like an admission of guilt from a politician- rare, and shockingly sincere when it happens. Jackson’s neck untensed, and he sighed.

“It’s alright. Just pay for the dry cleaning bill. You said you lived at 7334 NE Terrance? Eh, here.” Jackson said, reaching for his wallet. 

A manilla white business card sat on top of Istanbul's tan corduroy pants. On it read, in great bold letters,

Jackson Brun-Hilde

Author

“Huh, A lycan that writes.” Istanbul said.

“Wow, a hedge wizard who’s a dick.” Jackson said.

“Not a hedge wizard. Didn’t say your kind couldn’t, just figured you’d prefer something a bit more…”

“Animalistic? Wolfy?”

“Look. I get it.”

The taxi cab honked as it approached, and opened its back door to the drunken witch. Istanbul stood up, and waddled to the open door, slipping inside it’s carriage. His head set against the window, and the cab drove off, leaving Jackson alone in the chill night. 

A loud, booming cheer echoed through the lobby, surprising Jackson. Faintly, above the din of the rapturous crowd, a count could be heard- “7, 8, 9, 10, KNOCKOUT!!! THE GOLIATH HAS DONE IT AGAIN! THE COBRA IS OUT COLD ON THE MAT!”

Jackson scoffed, and ran a hand through his loose hair. Whatever. He’d stomp through the doors of the lobby open, and meet his wife again, determined to salvage the evening back from the strange drunken hedge wizard. It wouldn’t be until the next morning that he’d even remember he gave his business card to the little man.

Jackson’s eyes flickered to the beat of “Kung Fu Fighting” beeping in chiptune from his archaic cellphone. The writer clenched around his wife’s waist, and clenched his jaw. He wouldn’t check the phone- It was a vacation, he told her, it was a time to relax and avoid thinking about his work, he told her. No agent, no early morning conversations with an editor, no pre-planned appearances in public- Just a weekend in Portland, away from the daily grind, and away from the normal world.

The phone rang again. Jackson released Shelly from his grasp, and a bemused, long sigh eked from her disturbed sleep. He checked the number- Unknown. Odd. A telemarketer of some kind, no doubt about it. The phone rumbled in the palm of his hand, and froze. 

The phone rang again, the same unknown number, and Jackson answered.

“Jackson Hilde-Brone. Who is this?”

“The Tooth Fairy.” A voice returned- rough, like it had been crumpled up and tossed in a dumpster. The fringe of an east coast drawl followed every word like the tails on a tuxedo.

“Oh, Shit, you’re that guy from last night. The Hedgie.” Jackson scoffed, rubbing his nose bridge. A few murmurs came from Shelly’s lips- Message received. Jackson tucked the phone between his shoulder and ear, and pulled on a pair of jeans. 

“I’m not a fucking- Look. I’m not a hedge wizard. Don’t call me one.”

Jackson’s feet swished across the dirty hotel carpet. He paused at the entrance of the bathroom at the request.

“Right. Sorry. So, Istanbul, right?”

“Right. Did you see the end of the fight last night?” Istanbul asked.

Jackson switched the light in the bathroom, and switched it off, squinting in the bright halogen- Too bright! - And sat on the toilet seat, in the merciful darkness of the restroom. The room smelled like plastic and cheap detergent.

“You really called me at… 6 in the morning to ask about the end of the fight?”

“I promise, it’s important.”

“No. I didn’t. I had to call a cab for a drunken idiot.”

Silence. Some shuffling, the crash of dinner plates. A bemused sorry. “Ok. Was ANYONE there for the end of that fight? Did you just leave right afterwards?”

“I mean, Shelly was. Why do you-”

“Who’s Shelly?” Istanbul asked.

“The gal you vomited on. My wife”

“... Oh. Thought she was-  Sorry about that. What did she see? What did The Goliath do after he won?”

Jackson scratched his nose, and felt his leg begin to bounce up and down. He clenched the kneecap under his left hand, and made it still. Jackson could smell a story here- a good one.

“The hell happened last night? I’ll ask her, but why do you care?”

Istanbul's breath caught on the other side of the phone. He coughed, and cleared his throat.

“The Goliath was found dead by the police last night in the center of the ring. I don’t really have anything else right now, but I’m pretty damn sure it wasn’t just a random killing. It was one of us.”

The darkness around Jackson adjusted, letting him examine his porcelain throne room. Small imperfections made themselves known- A crack at the bottom of the glass mirror. Peeling sliding on the bottom of the walls. A faded bloodstain on the yellow wallpaper. His teeth grit, feeling his jaw ache.

“Where are you?”

“... If you’re seriously about to ask to help, I can assure you, I can-”

“I don’t care. The Goliath was a damn good boxer- top of his class. Getting cut in his prime is some horseshit, especially if it was one of us.” He remembered reading the occasional newsprint passed to him from his gang back home, around the bonfire- “The Goliath of Portland strikes another win!” “The Goliath of Portland Is the Juggernaut to beat in the amateur circuit!” A bemused excitement that ran through the lycanthropes. Someone was doing well. For once.

“.. Ugh. Fine. I’m at the Hideaway Diner. I’ll be here til 7. Don’t leave me waiting.”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t want to wait- What, were you raised in the woods?”

“I’ll ignore that. Why do you care? These weren’t your people. I thought witches don’t get involved with little people's problems.”

Silence, again. “Let’s say I have some other incentives to find out what happened.” The phone line clicks. 

[parksaversnews]

Disney+ Subscribers Get Free Dining Plan at Disney World 2024

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The standard Disney Dining Plan is included FREE for Disney+ subscribers staying at Deluxe resorts and Moderate resorts. Disney Quick-Service Dining Plan - 2 Quick-Service Meals per night of stay - 2 Snacks per night of stay - Refillable Drink Mug eligible for refills at self-service beverage islands at quick service locations - Estimated $52 per night value The Disney Quick-Service Dining Plan contains the same allowances for Quick-Service meals, snacks, and refillable mugs as the standard plan, but does NOT include any Table-Service meal entitlements. With two Quick-Service meals per day, guests can dine at Disney favorites like Pecos Bill Tall Tale Inn (Magic Kingdom), Flame Tree Barbecue (Animal Kingdom), Backlot Express (Hollywood Studios), Sunshine Seasons (Epcot), and many more counter service eateries throughout Walt Disney World. The Quick-Service Disney Dining Plan is included FREE for Disney+ subscribers staying at Value resorts. 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Disney Resort Benefits Disney Resort hotel guests can receive great benefits, including complimentary transportation and early theme park entry every day. And with a Disney Resort hotel reservation, guests can make dining reservations for their entire length of stay (for up to a 10-night stay) up to 60 days in advance of their arrival! This helps simplify vacation planning, by making all your reservations on the same day, rather than checking availability day after day. At select Disney Resort hotels, you can also catch an outdoor Movie Under the Stars or take part in fun recreational activities. You may even get a surprise visit from a Disney character or two! Summary This is an incredible offer to save money on dining for Disney+ subscribers planning a Walt Disney World vacation this summer. By booking a non-discounted 4-night/3-day room and ticket package at a WDW resort hotel, Disney+ users can receive a free standard or quick service Disney Dining Plan during most dates June 4 through September 30, 2024. The dining plan guests receive will depend on whether they book a Value, Moderate or Deluxe resort. But in any case, this represents a major discount off the regular price of adding a dining plan to a Walt Disney World package. As Disney continues to find synergies across its streaming and parks businesses, offers like this free dining plan for Disney+ subscribers show the company incentivizing guests to engage with multiple Disney products and services. This is certainly a win-win for Disney fans looking to save money on their next Walt Disney World getaway! Read the full article

[paranoidofficial]

Not A Hedge Wizard, pt. 1 (BONUS CONTENT)

A peek behind the veil of the Mentus Obscura- A local boxing ring for the paranormal in Portland hosts a chance interaction for a wolf and a witch...

Jackson had never seen a giant in person before, but his cousin had been telling him for weeks about The Goliath. 20 Wins, 4 Ties, 0 Losses was where the Goliath stood in the big city in the dense woods, Portland Oregon, The Warehouse. The building was an unassuming concrete and plaster skeleton set right in the center of the industrial district on the west side of town, beyond the bridges and bougie 5 star dine-in’s and gastro-pubs.

“You sure this is the place?” Shelly asked, pointing out to the graffiti-covered warehouse. Jackson slid his hand across the console, and patted her leg.

“Sure as sure can be, dolly. Robert doesn’t spin tales.” he said, in a voice thicker than a briarpatch. Jackson extracted a wad of gum from his mouth, and flicked it out the window, as per instructed. Then, he honked the car once, twice, and then three times, before stepping out and walking to the front of his car. Jackson sat down on the front bumper, setting an envelope out behind the angelic hood ornament on his cherry-red muscle car. Finally, the piece-de-resistance- A fortune cookie, extracted from his front shirt pocket, and set on top of the envelope.

A minute passed. Jackson dug a fingernail into his mud-soaked romeos. The fortune cookie rose off the hood of the car, and the cheap cellophane wrapper shucked. The cookie split in two, and the paper fortune was extracted from its carbohydrate cocoon.

“‘You will find yourself entangled in challenges that you could not foresee coming. Do not lose faith, stay the path’. That’s one fruity fortune, I’ll tell you- Where the hell did you get this?” A voice, nasally and smug, spilled from the thin air in front of Jackson. Half of the fortune cookie crumpled into the man’s mouth, before disappearing into the void. 

“Chang’s Diner.” Jackson said.

“Never heard of it- You from around here?”

“Nope. Drove in this morning. Can we wrap this up? I wanna get good seats.”

“Yeah, Yeah. Step out of the car, I’ll get it into the backlot. Head up to the garage- I’ll let them know you’re coming.”

“Great.” Jackson stood up, and rapped on the front hood of the muscle car, winking at Shelly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“TWO STRIKES FROM GOLIATH- THREE STRIKES FROM GOLIATH - AND COBRA IS ON THE ROPES- and here comes the clutch from Cobra!” The announcer screamed from his plinth, as the crowd bustled and jeered at the decadent orgy of violence. 

“Jesus, you see that, Shelly? He’s like- 8 foot tall, how the hell is this a fair fight?” Jackson whisper-yelled into Shelly’s ear, his beefy arm wrapped around her.  Shelly shrugged, and gave a smirk. 

“Well, of course he’d choose an easy fight.” Shelly remarked.

“What do you mean by that, Walnut?”

“He organizes the fights, Jackson.”

“And? Look at him, up there.” Jackson stated, pointing with his hand curled around a cup of beer. The bell rung- it’s the end of the round, and Goliath is back in his corner, arms outstretched on the ropes. He was huge- a head like a cro-magnon and long, sinewy muscles made of focused practice and a lifetime of violence. Jackson was once fit, tough- a former boxer himself- but age and penmanship had turned his former 6 pack into a keg stand. But the Goliath, a giant, loved to parade his story to anyone who’d listen in the darkened corners of bars and eateries in Portland- A street kid spent too long by himself in junkyards and ghettos, finds himself growing a chin of steel and bones made of stones, and instead of abusing the townsfolk and getting himself burned to death, he makes lemonade out of lemons with one hell of a personal trainer, and a dream. 

The bell is struck. To the center, Goliath touched gloves with The Cobra- A shorter, lithe combatant with narrow, snakelike eyes and a pattern of red and black scales running down his chest. His tongue flicked out, lapping in the aroma of the Goliath- Long, forlorn, and bulky. The bout began with Goliath on the assault, baring down on the Cobra with a flurry of jabs and straights, like a tank on a tread. The Cobra, however, weaved a thread of action between each strike, still waiting for his chance to move in, an audible hiss cutting below the din of the crowd. 

“Scuzeeeeeee me. I think, You and yer lady friend are in my spot, actually…” A voice between a helium balloon deflating and a drunken cat getting stepped on slurred. Jackson felt Shelly’s hand grab his arm. Her eyes flicked to Jackson’s. 

The writer shook his head, and rubbed his nose. Ignore. He’ll go away.

The drunkard leaned down, spilling himself into Shelly’s lap, his hand clenched on her shoulder. He smelled of beer and cheap cigarettes, and his scraggly mop of reddish hair hung off his forehead like moss clinging to bark. Jackson felt his jaw ache. Ignore, Ignore. Ignore.

He pouted, and snorted a line of snot back into his nose. Shelly avoided eye contact, staring right through him. The man leaned back, in a stumbling backstep, and came forward, snapping his fingers in Shelly’s face. 

“Wha- Come on, this is MY SEAT! I paid for it, Go ask the gillman at the front, c’mon… Ar’ you enchanted or something?” He demanded. Shelly’s grip tightened on Jackson’s arm. Alright, enough.

“Hey, how about you leave the lady alone, buddy?” Jackson said. The drunkard made eye contact with Jackson, staring at him as if the metal folding chair he sat on had begun to speak.

“Whu- do you even LIVE HERE, Orge?” The drunkard said. Jackson’s fist clenched around his wife's chair. She let out a gentle sigh, and scooted closer to her husband. Jackson raised an eyebrow, a tell he picked up in his youth from the sport- Try it again, and I’ll rip your goddamn heart out.

The drunkard’s eye twitched. His chapped lips pursed, and flattened, and bulged?

“Uuuuuuuuuurp.”

From beyond his lips came forth a thin, brownish slime that slipped out from his clenched mouth. Then, the bulbous frogging of his cheeks, and then, the release. It splattered down the lap of Shelly’s cornflower yellow dress, staining it a dark green with spots of bright fluorescent orange. Fragments of corn puffs and pretzel bites clung to the loose fabric. With the patience of a saint, Shelly took a deep, long inhale through her nose, and held her breath in a caught scream. 

“OOOOOOOH THE BIG GUYS MAD NOW!!!” Screamed the announcer, as the Goliath took a withering punch to the nose. His lips flared, the blood-red mouth-guard clenched under his molars. 

Jackson stood up, and kicked his chair back, stepping beyond Shelly. His fingers ached under the clench of his thumb. His neck cracked and warped, and his canines screeched against his lower teeth. The drunkard stumbled back, wiping the vomit off his mouth with the back of his hand. Jackson’s hair bristled- COWARD.

“Hey, man, I uh- No harm done, take my seat-” The soon-to-be-deadman eulogized. Jackson’s fist cocked back, and he gave a hungry grin. A thin, beastal pant was building in his chest, his coiled prey drive waking up and stretching for a walk. 

For a moment, Jackson feels bad. Ding goes the bell.

The drunkard fell, his nose crushed under the werewolves fist. He panted, and slobbered, and crawled away like a roach with dementia. The crowd gave him a wary glance, and resumed their observation of the real fight, while Jackson lifted the man by the back collar of his jacket, like a dog by the scruff of his neck. Jackson flipped his phone out of his pocket, rapidly dialing a number, and kicked open the front glass door of the arena. 

“Wait, Wait, you can’t fuckin’ kill me, I’m a witch, I’m a witch, I’m a witch.” He sobbed, clutching Jackson’s arm in his sweaty palms. 

“Calm down. I’m not going to kill you. Give me your address, and your name.” Jackson barked. The drunkard gulped, and responded.

“I live in Gresham- Fuck, man, please- I’m- I’m Instanbul. Jus- let me go.” Istanbul cried. 

“What a name. Hello?” Jackson responded, before hopping back on his phone.

“RunWyld Cabs, Portland. Who am I speaking to?”

“Jackson Brun-Hilde. I need a car for my friend…” Jackson winced. “Istanbul.”

“Uh… huh. Where are you?” The operator said. Jackson rattled off the address of the Arena, and dropped the witch to the floor. His body made a firm thwack against the cracked concrete. 

“Alright, where you going, sir?” The operator said. 

“Nowhere. You’ll be taking my drunk friend here home, wherever that is.”

“Is he awake? Can you ask him for his address?”

Jackson leaned down, and grabbed the back of the drunkard’s neck, raising him off the concrete. Snot ran down his nose, and his breathes rasped through his lips. Jackson put the flip-phone against Istanbul's ear, and motioned for him to talk.

“H-Hello? Yeah, uh… umm… 7334 NE Terrance… Yeah, Northside… Ok. Ummmm… Yeah, I’ll have a credit card…” He sputtered. Jackson looked down at the hedge-wizard- covered in dirt, blood smeared across his forehead- and felt a pang of guilt. The wolfman sat down on the curb next to the drunkard, and sighed. 

“Jesus, you’re a mess. What’s the big idea of trying to raise a fight at an unfortunate’s hideaway, anyways? I thought you guys were above it all.”

The Hedge Wizard crawled forward and swung his legs up into a fetal position. His chin was crushed between his kneecaps. His gaze narrowed forward, the glare of a man struggling not to dry heave.

“You stole my seat, man. I just wanted my seat back.”

“Bullshit, I had been glued to 20C since the show started, and your enchanted ass never showed up.”

“... 20C?”

“20C.”

“... I was in the wrong section. Goddammit. I’m sorry for vomiting on your gals dress.”

Istanbul rested his head on top of his knees, looking over at Jackson. An apology from a wizard was like an admission of guilt from a politician- rare, and shockingly sincere when it happens. Jackson’s neck unknotted, and he sighed.

“It’s alright. Just pay for the dry cleaning bill. You said you lived at 7334 NE Terrance? Eh, here.” Jackson said, reaching for his wallet. 

A manila white business card sat on top of Istanbul's tan corduroy pants. On it read, in great bold letters,

Jackson Brun-Hilde

Author

“Huh, A lycan that writes.” Istanbul said.

“Wow, a hedge wizard without manners.” Jackson said.

“Not a hedge wizard. Didn’t say your kind couldn’t, just figured you’d prefer something a bit more…”

“Animalistic? Wolfy?”

“Look, I get it. Sorry.”

The Taxi Cab honked as it approached, and opened its back door to the drunken witch. Istanbul stood up, and waddled to the open door, slipping inside it’s carriage. His head set against the window, and the cab drove off, leaving Jackson alone in the chill night. 

A loud, booming cheer echoed through the lobby, surprising Jackson. Faintly, above the din of the rapturous crowd, a count could be heard- “7, 8, 9, 10, KNOCKOUT!!! THE GOLIATH HAS DONE IT AGAIN! THE COBRA IS OUT COLD ON THE MAT!”

Jackson scoffed, and ran a hand through his loose hair. Whatever. He’d push the doors of the lobby back open, and meet his wife again, determined to salvage the evening back from the strange drunken hedge wizard. It wouldn’t be until the next morning that he’d even remember he gave his business card to the little man.

[elxctrics]

the sinclair/calvary family

"you got a fast car, is it fast enough so we can fly away? still gotta make a decision - leave tonight, or live and die this way."

persephone sinclair (37 years old)

julian calvary (36 years old)

austen sinclair (22 years old)

archie sinclair (22 years old)

tw: abortion mention, drugs, alcoholism, depression, overdose

she didn't know that there was more to life than work - thought her sole purpose of existence was to work hard, to be the best she could be and most importantly, make her parents proud. they wanted her to be an oscar winning starlet and working towards that was all she had ever known. that is, until she walked on the set of the mickey mouse clubhouse and locked eyes with a curly haired, blue eyed shy boy that had stolen her heart from the moment she met him. she was only twelve years old, but the second she saw him sheepishly smile at her, she knew that she was home.

an outgoing child, because she was forced to be, she spent all of her time around the shy and reserved julian calvary, wanting to know everything there was to know about him, was fascinated and mesmerized by his tales of what his life was like - going to school, playing with his friends, going on family vacations. and it was through his stories that she realized for the first time that she wasn't normal and that her family wasn't actually a family. they'd spend their days on set disappearing on the backlots, running away from responsibilities and coming up with elaborate plans on how they were going to run away together.

persephone couldn't have been more excited when they both got cast in freaks and geeks together - work simply didn't feel like work when she got to be around him all day. and much to the dismay of the rest of the cast, the crew and especially, persephone's parents, as they entered being teenagers, they were even more crazy about each other. it wasn't rare to find them with their lips locked in a secluded corner, constantly entangled in each other and always needing to hold the others hand or have their arms around each other. and it was excessive, but it was the first time in her life that persephone had felt love and she swore that this was a love that she'd never let go of or tire of. whoever found themselves in the unfortunate circumstance of being in the overly affectionate couple's presence often joked that if they kept at it, they'd end up creating mini versions of themselves and boy, were they right.

she was fifteen years old when her usually, over energetic self started to feel sluggish, started hating the smell of her favorite foods and started having to run off set in the middle of filming to puke. and for weeks, she was in denial that it was nothing more than a bad stomach bug, not wanting to accept what was right in front of her face. but one day, after being too sick to show up for her call time and after realizing she had missed her time of the month, she had her assistant take her to the doctor where everything she was hiding from was confirmed - she was pregnant with twins.

she was young, but she wasn't naive enough to know what this meant - knew that the world would rip her apart, knew that her parents would rip her apart, knew that julian was just as young as she was and that what were the odds that he'd want to stick around? she was on the road to becoming a serious actress, her career just starting to blossom. she had been working since she was just two years old to get to where she was - a baby, let alone two of them, would halt everything. she was absolutely terrified and who's the first person that a girl turns to when they're scared to death? her mother.

however, she didn't get to cry into her mother's arms, didn't receive any kind of warmth or reassurance from the stoic woman. she simply said 'we'll take care of this' and scheduled her for an abortion that week. her and julian had never kept secrets from each other, and she wasn't about to start now, so she told him, but reassured him not to worry and that her mom was going to help her take care of it - not giving him a say or a chance to share his thoughts on the matter. this was her choice and she was sticking to it - having these babies would be bad for the both of them, she knew it. what she didn't know, however, was that her doctors would sell her sonograms to the tabloids the night before her abortion appointment.

the sinclairs had to completely pivot on their plans and decided that persephone and julian were going to become the poster children for making this work, an abortion after the news was out simply would be bad for both of their images and that was something the sinclairs couldn't take. overnight, the relationship that had once been her one and only safe space became something else that her parents got their hands on and because of what they had done - they were in her parents' control without even knowing it. they were hiding behind the sweet promises of 'we'll protect you two' and 'we'll take care of everything' and what kid wouldn't believe that?

austen and archibald sinclair came screaming into the world when persephone and julian were only sixteen years old, and while julian seemed more okay with it than persephone was, persephone went into absolute shock. while julian held the babies in the hospital, persephone couldn't even stand to look at them, only putting a smile on her face when the cameras from 'people magazine' came in to shoot the cover spread that was going to feature the new, happy family. but persephone was anything but. she was absolutely miserable, felt as though she could barely take care of herself and now, the weight of two lives was upon her shoulders. and her mother took note of this - noticed the look of dread and despair written all over her daughter's face - saw the way she didn't even want julian to touch her when the two had spent the past four years attached at the hip, and that's when the drugs started. lucielle and jasper needed persephone on her a-game and if numbing all the things she was feeling kept her there, then so be it.

lucielle and jasper took full control of not only the twin's lives, but julian and persephone's lives. julian was managed by the sinclairs as they put him on the path to oscar stardom that they had originally wanted persephone on and as for persephone, considering her 'girl next door, good girl' image was now tarnished, they decided to feed into what the world thought of her and turned her into an overly sexualized pop sensation. besides, two different career paths meant the more time julian and persephone spent apart and that's all the sinclairs wanted. however, despite lucielle and jasper raising their babies and the two of them on separate career paths, nothing could stand in the way of how much they loved each other. they'd fall asleep at night, wherever they were in the world, on the phone with one another, making up sweet stories about how they'd run away from all of this and start over, even though they both knew deep down that they were trapped. but it was fun playing pretend.

the only time julian and persephone spent as a family with the babies was when lucielle and jasper allowed, or when they simply wanted a photo op of the 'happy family' that had 'managed to juggle it all.' but persephone didn't know her children. she didn't know their favorite colors or what their favorite food was, didn't know how to soothe them when they were crying or even how to speak to them, julian had always done a better job at that and whenever she was around them? she just felt sad, sad that she had birthed the two most beautiful things she had ever laid eyes on and she didn't even know who they were, which caused her to take more and more drugs.

the memory that stuck out to her most was the time that they had a family beach day completely staged for the paparazzi. her and julian had been fighting because of what had been coming out in the tabloids about her and she was dreading coming face to face with the children she was forced to leave behind. she had been so high that day she was barely there, completely spaced out. it was when her little son came up to her calling her out on it that she realized that none of this was her poor babies faults, it was hers. she could win grammy after grammy and sell out show after show, but her children would always see her as nothing but a failure. she cried the rest of the day until her parents forced her to leave because she was causing a scene. after that day, she only got worse and worse as the weeks and months went on.

despite that, lucielle and jasper weren't going to lose this 'all american' branding that they had worked so hard to curate. when persephone and julian were twenty years old, lucielle gave julian a ring and simply said 'you know what to do.' the two were married in a lavish, televised wedding ceremony, their children acting as ring bearer and flower girl as they put on the show for the entire world. and persephone doesn't remember a single second of that day. she had been so spaced out at her own wedding that things between her and julian began to become tense. the image of the couple that defied the odds began to crumble as tabloids and paparazzi followed the two everywhere - the two of them often seen screaming at each other in dark clubs or persephone running away from him after another verbal spat in public. they became messy and toxic and everything they swore that they'd never be.

they only lasted four years before they inevitably divorced when they were twenty four years old and the next two years would be the worst of persephone's life. she felt as though she had no one. she lost her best friend and the only semblance of sanity she had left and fell further and further into addiction - often calling him up and picking fights whenever she saw footage of him with other girls, simply because it was the only way she could hear his voice. she spent those two years living in a hotel room in las vegas as she wore herself out performing night after night at her residency and after each and every performance, she lost a little bit more of herself while julian went on to skyrocket into a star. she hated him for being so okay without her, because losing him had sent her over the deep end.

it only took a year for her to have a complete public breakdown and at the end of her twenty four hour bender, she was exhausted. she laid on her bathroom floor - head shaved, barely able to breath, feeling life slipping away from her, as her entire life flashed before her eyes. and as she tried to think of a time where she was happy, all she could see was a twelve year old persephone and julian, running around the back lots with their hands intertwined, promising each other the world. she used her last bit of strength to reach for her phone, to call julian to say goodbye, and that was the last thing she remembered before everything went dark.

when she woke up in the hospital and saw that julian was the only one there next to her bedside, it was as if a switch went off. she was given another chance and her head immediately went to her children. all of the love she had never felt for them came rushing to her all at once and she realized that they were the reason that she didn't die that night, that they were the ones that she had to keep going for and to fight for their lives, because there was no way in hell she was going to allow them to end up like her. and one year in rehab and a grueling court case against her parents later, persephone made that happen.

upon gaining custody of the twins when they were eleven years old, her and julian immediately agreed that everything would be 50/50, that they would do whatever they could to make sure that their kids had as much of a normal life as they possibly could, that they'd do their best to rectify all of the wrong that persephone's parents had done. she immediately pulled them out of hollywood, moved out to palm springs and enrolled them in normal school as she stepped out of the spotlight and dedicated one hundred percent of her time and herself to her children. however, they both had completely different reactions to this upheaval of their lives.

while archie started out cautious and quiet, eventually warming up to persephone and becoming her little best friend, austen was defiant. she fought everything persephone tried to do, screamed that she hated her and that she wanted to go back to grandpa and grandmas and cursed her for taking her away from them. but persephone never scolded her or shouted at her. she gave her the grace to feel all of the big feelings she was feeling, she stepped back when she asked her to, and held her on the rare occasions that she allowed her to. she never wanted her kids to feel the way she felt growing up, the way she was certain her own parents had made then feel in the eleven years that they had them. as difficult as things could be at times with two pre-teens, persephone looked at them each and every day with so much love in her eyes because for the first time, she felt like she mattered, she felt like she was doing something important and while she may have failed at everything else in this world, she wasn't going to fail her kids.

while the defiance and phases of pre-teens and teenagers was inevitable, what came as a surprise to her was how involved julian had been. with her parents completely out of the picture, she grew much closer to the calvary's, who had been the ones who got her out of the mess she was in. and despite their original agreed upon schedule, they spent far more time as a family than persephone ever expected. julian was at her house more often than not - from random week night family dinners, to falling asleep on each other's shoulder on the couch when they were up all night with sick kids and they had finally gotten them to fall asleep. they made sure to fill their free time with family vacations, just the four of them, as it always should have been, and they soon realized just how well they worked as a team.

every decision about the children was made together. they faced every hardship side by side and they didn't just 'put on a united front' for the sake of the kids, they truly became each other's very best friends. the kids never saw nothing but two people with the utmost respect for one another, who genuinely enjoyed being together and couldn't help but laugh in one another's presence. and as the years went on, persephone saw more and more of the curly haired, blue eyed shy boy that had stolen her heart from the moment she met him. and she fell in love with him all over again. only this time? he has no idea. and she's convinced it's better this way, convinced that after everything they've been through, he'd never look at her the way he once did, despite how much her heart aches for him. so she's decided to bury it, for the sake of their friendship and their family.

the first eleven years of motherhood were cruelly stolen from her. she'd never know what it would be like to snuggle into that newborn baby smell. she'd never experience the joy of hearing that first word or watching first steps. she'd never get to hold their little hand in hers as she walked them to their first day of school. she'd never get to sing them to sleep on nights when they were having nightmares and were still little enough to lay in her bed with her. but she can't bring her mind to that place, it only breaks her when it does. instead, she does the best she can today, to be a pillar of strength for her kids, to constantly remind them that they're loved and that no matter what, she's there. and even though she wasn't there in the beginning, she swears to them that she'll be there for every day after that.

[thedaveandkimmershow]

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 15

Friday was the day we discovered Villain Con at Universal Studios and how much we absolutely love it.

First time through I scored 35,000-something to Kimmer's 20,000-something. Second time through I scored 360,000-something to her 366,000-something, a bump in score that may have a little to do with actually paying attention to the instruction video after our first try.

Afterward: breakfast. We continued to Diagon Alley and the Leaky Cauldron for a repeat performance of Toad in the Hole for Kimmer, Fish 'n Chips for me.

What can I say? It's our de facto breakfast choice at Universal (even though we've gotta wait 'til after 1030 in the morning to order it).

After breakfast, we're perusing shops, watching kids use their wands sometimes successfully, sometimes not, sometimes dressed in Hogwarts robes, most of the time not, though.

They're pricey as hell.

ChaCHING!!!!

Wandering through Diagon Alley, we happen upon a performance of The Story of the Three Brothers from Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows. It's a puppeteering take on the story that's really quite clever. And still powerful.

Plus, you know, it's a really good tale. 🤔

On our way out of Diagon Alley, we stop across the way for a quite thorough photo op at The Night Bus followed by the nearby Fast & Furious experience that, turns out, we'd alresdy experienced in its entirety during the backlot tour at Universal Studios Hollywood. The Kong experience we did at Islands already had a little bit of overlap but this... was the whole deal without the 3D glasses. Still highly effective, though. And a lot.

Of fun.

After that, it's once again time for a Coke and a root beer float at Schwab's Pharmacy which just never gets old, sitting at the counter with our floats, surrounded by photos of movie stars everywhere you look, all to the instrumental soundtrack to Hooray for Hollywood.

Somewhere between one and two, we get back on our hotel bus, seated in the back across from a coupla guys: one old dude and one older old dude. The first one's holding a Voodoo Donuts box that he said just jumped out at him so I ask Really? Just the one box?

Turns out neither of them are here for the theme parks. They stopped in to pick up tickets for the Horror Nights events that start at 6 in the evening and last 'til 2AM with some of the rides like The Mummy's Revenge and Gringotts still running into the night.

I asked if there are different Horror events and they said there's only one event but with several individual houses.

The older old guy told us Horror Nights started 22 years ago. The old guy said he went 19 years ago, last year, and now this year. I asked the older old guy how many times he's been and he said he's been going from the start

"I haven't been to all of them," he summarized, "but I ain't missed much."

I asked what the best one, the best year, was. He said it was the year, more than ten years ago, when Horror Nights was running simultaneously in both parks. He also mentioned that, at that time, the event wasn't as toned down as it is now.

Not as toned down? What do you mean?

Well... before it was toned down you could have people chasing you with chain saws.

Oh dear God.

It definitely reminded us of the haunted camping in the Pacific Northwest where you have to sign a waiver before they can do that kind of thing.

In the meantime, our bus pulls into its stop at the hotel. We're all about to get up when I say

One more question. After all the years you spent doing this, do you still get scared?

Oh I was never scared. Jump scares sure. But I was never scared.

Dang.

I'm such a wuss I was scared out of my mind just walking through the woods at boy scout camp alone at night with a single flash light.

Too much imagination, then and now, always gets the better of me.

Back in our room, we relax for a bit before getting ready again and heading out to Volcano Bay.

This time around, we're gonna walk around first to see what there is and, when we come upon the first thing, ika Moana of Honu ika Moana, a wide bore tube run that handles five-person inflated rafts, we definitely think we're onto something.

So we're standing at the end of the run when a couple young women come shooting out of the blue tube. When they exit the pool and walk by, we ask them what they thought. One of them says

Did you hear me screaming?

Oh.

They totally recommend both the green and the blue tubes.

What's the difference? we ask.

The green one's calmer.

So we shove our stuff into the nearest locker ($20 for the day) and walk the long walk to the top platform on the green side. Ride it down. Great time.

Seriously.

A better one awaits, though, as we continue our walk and come to Tonga of Tanewha Tubes...

...a thinner bore tube with sections of open tube on the green side which is the one we chose. On this slide, you're on two-person inflatable rafts with both people facing forward as opposed to the other which I traveled exactly backward the entire way down. I even saw Kimmer's hat fly off her head right off the bat, chasing us in the water, down the slide, coming to rest a few feet behind us as we got off that first raft.

After the second slide, Tonga of Tanewha Tubes, we continue along this path that circles the volcano, taking a hard pass on nearly everything more we see that's all very much more intense, more higher, more longer, and sometimes you come shooting out the tube six feet above the water.

When eventually we come to the wave pool, almost a full circuit around the Volcano, we wade across a little bit of it before turning back to the pathway circling the park. We ride Tonga of Tanewha Tubes one more time intending to ride ika Moana of Honu ika Moana but by then it's almost 430 and we really do want to peacefully float a turn or two around the Kopiko Wai Winding River. The lazy one on innertubes.

Which we then do. 😊

After that, a touch after five, we're out of the park, taking a batch of selfies along the way.

After a quick turnaround at the hotel, we're back to Islands of Adventure for our last evening of strolling.

First up, it's Starbucks for Kimmer's peppermint tea. We stop briefly in Toon Lagoon for a touch of tea drinking and people watching. On our way again, we follow the line that comes out of a Family Circus panel in a nearby wall.

It's a riff on what I remember most from that comic strip when I was reading it.

After that, we stroll all the way further to Hogsmeade for Butterbeer and to check on Hagrid's Magical Creatures Motorbike Adventure that's, sadly, still a bust.

We're coming up on 8 by now, park closing, so we continue through this section of park we seem to have seen the most: Hogsmeade through Poseidon through Seuss. With night in full descent, we stop at the Caro-Seuss-El for a photo then continue on as Kimmer navigates us into The Cat in the Hat ride which we actually rode during the last five minutes the park was open.

It was a classic end to our day. ☺️

On the bus, we sit across from a family from Arkansas whose daughter's fast asleep on her mother's lap. I tell her it's a fantastic super power kids have. The parents mention how she was wiped out from the day and I mention to them how they similarly look wiped out.

As it happens, they're here with thirty family members on a tandem vacation. He hails from a family of seven siblings: four from dad, three more from step dad. He's the youngest of all those kids while she, on the other hand, is the oldest of four sisters.

He's an electrical engineer. She's an X-ray tech. And her mom takes care of their daughter during those work days. While they've been away, then, her mom's not been shy about reminding them how much she misses her granddaughter.

Go figure.

They've already spent four days in Disney. Their daughter loved all the characters. She wanted to see all the ones she knew. Funny thing is she's not normally social... but ran up to each one and talked and talked and talked.

She's two-and-a-half years old, by the way, and while Universal isn't Disney, she's all about running through the water playground which is how she came to be exhausted and, you know, asleep right now.

I ask if she reads and Kimmer points out she's too young and I point out how Linzy could "read" at that age... but really she was only repeating to me what she knew to be on each page of a favorite book.

That absolutely rang a bell with the family across from us.

Oh... yes. Our daughter does that too.

We talked some empty nesting and how this was like when we just got married. They've actually been many years without a child so this is different for them.

And with that, we bid our fare-thee-wells and head back to our hotel room where Day 6 of our wedding anniversary celebration vacation officially endeth.

☺️

[dorisrmoore]

Grinchmas Returns To Common Studios Hollywood | Theme-Park.org

December 6, 2022, 4:47 PM · It can be time again for my preferred Christmas tale, simply because Grinchmas is back again at Common Studios Hollywood. Alright, Universal might have evicted them from their very long-time household on the backlot, bu…

from Theme-parkorg's Favorite Links from Diigo https://theme-park.org/grinchmas-returns-to-common-studios-hollywood/

[aion-rsa]

Finch: Inside Tom Hanks’ Own Private Sci-Fi Dystopia

https://ift.tt/eA8V8J

A lot has happened since Den of Geek was invited to visit the New Mexico set of Tom Hanks’ dystopian sci-fi movie, Finch, back in March 2019. For starters, Hanks became one of the very first high-profile COVID-19 cases, and the world shut down just days before the film was finished shooting. The movie was called “Bios” at the time of the set visit, and has since been brought from Universal to Apple TV+ (it’s available now). Like many film productions that were affected by the pandemic, Finch took an unexpectedly long and twisty path to finally make it to our TV screens.

So it was again a different world, to say the least, on that dusty, scorching hot, pre-pandemic backlot in Albuquerque over two years ago. Maskless members of the press were huddled together in a small building, talking to a cavalcade of cast and crew members, including Hanks and director Miguel Sapochnik. The biggest safety concern on set wasn’t hygiene or social distancing, but the risk of snakes biting at your ankles (one of the first people we were introduced to was a snake wrangler holding a bucket and a long hook). The setting felt appropriately post-apocalyptic, but in a way that is sort of wholesome in hindsight.

Tom Hanks and His Dog

The film is a futuristic fable of sorts. Five years after a solar flare effectively toasts civilization as we know it, robotics engineer Finch Weinberg (Hanks) is fighting for survival with his best and only bud, Goodyear, his insanely cute terrier. Grappling internally with his own mortality and his love for his dog, he creates Jeff (Caleb Landry Jones), a humanoid robot with advanced AI, to protect the little mutt.

“The ‘last man on earth’ is a familiar kind of trope,” says Hanks of the film’s setup. “But there’s no magic, no mutants, no aliens, no biker gangs. And it’s not a sequel! But there is a different sense of what loneliness is. When you see that there’s a dog in it, it becomes a completely different kind of movie.”

Most of the film’s stakes hinge on Finch’s desperate affection for Goodyear, and in that aspect, Hanks found the soul of the film.

“It’s a love story between a guy and his dog,” explains the Oscar winning actor. “Dogs teach you what love is and they worship you, and then they die on you. You have to put them down and it’s just the worst day of your life.”

Sapochnik agrees with Hanks’s sentiment.

“The dog is the heart of the story,” the director says. “And having the dog in the movie helps because whenever you see a man and a dog, you don’t think science fiction.”

One of the ideas that permeated the on-set conversations was that Finch is a family drama first and a sci-fi movie second. There are genre tropes and influences all throughout the film (the post-apocalypse milieu, the implications of AI, the road movie pacing), but the development of the connections between Finch, Goodyear, and Jeff is what propels the story at all times. “It’s a [different] kind of relationship movie,” Hanks explains. “You didn’t have to project anything onto it other than a simple premise: a guy had a dog, and it’s very dangerous outside, so how do you survive?”

“What we’ve tried to do is keep it real,” says Sapochnik of the creative process. “That’s been the mantra. Instead of it being ‘grounded sci-fi,’ we want it to be a drama that just happens to have a robot in it.”

Do Androids Dream?

That robot, played on set by Jones in a suit that would later be replaced by CGI in post-production, adds an intriguing wrinkle to this survival tale. For the hybrid visual effects creation, Sapochnik focused on capturing Jones’s performance as he would any other actor, not worrying too much about how the framing and camerawork would affect the effects work that would be laid over the performance later.

“We wanted to shoot it in a way where you forget that [Jeff] is a robot,” Sapochnik says. “The ideal scenario is that after two minutes, you don’t care that it’s a robot anymore. It’s a character. We’re treating it and shooting it like a drama and then overcoming the [CGI] problems later on.”

For Hanks, the key to the success of Jeff was freeing him from the cliches of robots in film by making him more dynamic and less rigid in his mannerisms and communication. In this way, Jones gets to express himself fully as opposed to playing an AI archetype.

“Jeff ends up being a free spirit as opposed to something predictable,” says Hanks. “Otherwise, it’s a combination of ‘Danger, Will Robinson!’ and ‘I’ll be back.’”

The director adds, “Finch curates the information that he puts in Jeff’s head, and Jeff makes choices, and the choices lead to questions and to him developing a personality. He’s a kid with way too much information. For him, it’s juggling that information and what it means. It’s an accelerated learning curve. He knows all this stuff, but he doesn’t necessarily know what to do with it. That’s his journey.”

Building the World’s End

From the beginning of their time together, Hanks and Sapochnik worked on fleshing out the finer details of Finch’s life to embed Hanks in the character as much as possible. The star even insists they were having the most intense script meetings he’s ever had on any project.

“There’s so much logic that has to be established about the world and when things happened,” Hanks considers. They would talk about how Finch had stumbled on a room full of ramen noodles prior to the events of the movie, but that he’d also already eaten it all by the time the audience meets him.

When asked if it’s important that the audience picks up on these hidden details, Sapochnik is firm in his position: It doesn’t.

 “Whether they do notice or they don’t, the idea is that we’re building characters,” says the director. “I think it’s good when you’re developing characters to have a full sense of who they are. But the audience doesn’t need to understand that to be able to enjoy the movie.”

Cast Away Again

When you consider that Hanks is virtually the only human being you see in the entire movie, it’s difficult not to draw comparisons to Cast Away, another movie in which Hanks is isolated, in survival mode, having curious conversations with non-human companions. But for Hanks, the films’ similarities are only surface deep.

“Cast Away was by accident,” Hanks says of his character’s predicament in that movie. “He always knew that the rest of the world was going on [without him]. On Cast Away, we riffed on fire, shelter, water, and food. But a requirement for living is also company. I knew all of Wilson’s lines. I don’t know what Goodyear is thinking. There’s a different philosophical bent on trying to discover what’s out there [in Finch] and trying to get back to something that you know is [out there] in Cast Away.”

As for the challenge of carrying a movie mostly by himself, Hanks doesn’t exactly view it that way. “I almost don’t like to use the world ‘challenge,’ because it’s every fucking moment!” Hanks says of the stresses of making a movie. “They’re all minefields. No matter how many movies you make, you’re sowing the seeds for your own destruction every time they clack the slate in front of you. You’re aiming for something that you need to make real in the falsest environment imaginable. You want to warrant the attention that’s placed upon you because you’re the only guy in the movie. But it’s tough because you have to nail the moment, but if you’re caught selling the moment, you’re doomed. It has to be real somehow. But that’s what ends up being the blast of it.”

Robo-Dog

While Hanks was the star of not just the movie, but of the set visit itself (he graciously spent a good chunk of his lunch break to continue answering questions when he clearly didn’t have to), there were two other, unexpected guests that nearly stole the show. 

In the movie, Finch has a robot named Dewey, who he built prior to Jeff as something of a prototype. Just as Jeff is modeled to be humanlike, Dewey is modeled to be doglike, but the difference is that, unlike Jeff, Dewey is a real-life, practical effects creation. In-person, Dewey is jaw-droppingly cool. As the effects team brings him into the room, they explain that he took three months to build from scratch and is composed of over 220 bespoke parts. It’s strange to feel an immediate emotional attachment to a robotic dog, but that’s precisely what the team was going for.

And then, there was Seamus, the terrier who plays Goodyear. He was as friendly and loving as could be, a rescue who went from living in a homeless encampment in LA and getting two surgeries for a piece of plastic lodged in his small intestine, to being adopted by a rescue organization and acting opposite Tom Hanks in a major motion picture. He lifted the spirits of everyone in the room (we had been shielding our faces from dusty gusts all day, so he was literally a sight for sore eyes). 

Finch was made prior to the global pandemic, but the world being forever changed by COVID-19 contextualizes the movie in a new way. The filmmakers changed the ending to be less devastating in response to the global pandemic and the pain it’s caused, and perhaps focusing on the warmer aspects of the story, like Goodyear, was the right call. To Sapochnik, Seamus’ adorableness is what gives the movie its power.

“You’ve got these great actors, Tom Hanks and Caleb Landry Jones,” Sapochnik explains, “but whenever Seamus comes onscreen, everyone goes, ‘Aww!’ I never thought a dog could create such a superior reaction, but everyone crowds around on-set. The heart of the movie is the dog.”

Finch is available on Apple TV+ now.

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[twentiethcenturymoviesandtv]

The Princess Bride: Facets of Filmmaking

By the year 1987, director Rob Reiner had already been fairly well established in the film world.

The son of the late Carl Reiner, (who directed films such as The Jerk, Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid, Summer Rental, and Summer School, as well as acting in many others) Rob Reiner had started in Hollywood as an actor before settling into directing himself.  After having earned two primetime Emmy awards as his role of Michael Stivic on All in the Family, Reiner turned his focus to behind the camera, turning out films such as mockumentary This Is Spinal Tap in 1984, and Stephen King coming-of-age adaptation Stand By Me in 1986.

By the time The Princess Bride was released in 1987, Reiner was already enough of a name that had produced decent work that it wasn’t a total shock that this film would be as good as it was, with critics (notably Roger Ebert, Gene Siskel, and Janet Maslin) praising the film for it’s tone and clever writing.  It seemed a natural win for Reiner, another classic knocked out of the park (albeit one without commercial success).

And yet, the road to The Princess Bride and it’s eventual ‘cult classic’ status was not an easy one.  In fact, there were several bumps in the road before Reiner ever took the reins on the project.

The rights to the novel The Princess Bride (by William Goldman) had been snapped up for $500,000 by Twentieth Century Fox in 1973, the year the book was published.  A movie was obviously intended, meant to be directed by Richard Lester, but after the studio head got axed, the idea was dropped.

This was going to become a common theme.  Other intended directors included Robert Redford, Norman Jewison, and François Truffaut, but obviously, it never went anywhere.  Frustrated, Goldman bought the rights to the film back with his own cash, and right about now is where Rob Reiner comes in.

Rob Reiner had loved the book The Princess Bride since his father had given it to him as a gift.  After filming This is Spinal Tap, Reiner had the idea to adapt the book, now that he’d proven himself as a capable filmmaker, and during production of Stand By Me, he approached an executive at Paramount, suggesting an adaptation of The Princess Bride as his next project.  After an explanation of the situation regarding the rights to a film adaptation, in short, Reiner was told: ‘we can’t’.

With the financial support of Normal Lear, whom Reiner had known from All in the Family and who had previously helped fund This is Spinal Tap, Reiner managed to get the rights to the book adaptation, and got to work.

Throughout production, Reiner worked very closely with Goldman, so closely that Goldman actually got to write the screenplay to the film adaptation.  Thankfully, the author was no stranger to screenwriting, having already written the script for both Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid and All the President’s Men, winning two Oscars in the process.  Reiner’s respect for Goldman’s original story combined with the author’s ability to convey the necessary tone and style in the script ensured that the integrity of the book was kept, even if changes had to be made to the story and characters along the way.

Once Reiner was securely in the director’s chair and Goldman’s screenplay underway, the chief order of business was to find the cast for this fairy-tale.  Reiner had wanted Cary Elwes for Westley after seeing his performance in Lady Jane, but during the casting period, Elwes was unavailable, in Germany working on the film Maschenka, forcing Reiner to fly to Berlin to ensure his suitability for the role.  Elwes, for his part, had read the book when he was younger, and always identified with Westley.  As a result, he was more than happy to jump at the opportunity to play the character in the film adaptation.

On the other hand, the titular Princess Bride herself proved to be a bit more difficult.

Robin Wright wasn’t selected as Buttercup until a week before it was time to start shooting.  Reiner and Jane Jenkins, the casting director, had already auditioned multiple actresses for the role, with none of them fitting the bill.  Wright’s agent, hearing about the casting call, encouraged her to audition.  Wright auditioned, and impressed Jenkins and Reiner so much that they invited Wright to meet Goldman at his house.  Wright’s first impression, backlit by the doorway, was so impressive, that Goldman looked at her once and said: ‘Well, that’s what I wrote’.

Other choices were easier: Mandy Patinkin was an early decision for Inigo Montoya, and Wallace Shawn was a shoo-in for Vizzini after Danny DeVito was unavailable. For Fezzik, Goldman had always had André the Giant in mind, even back in the 1970s when the novel was first written.  At the time, however, André was at the height of his wrestling career, with a schedule that left him unavailable to film.  The runner-up was actually Arnold Schwarzenegger, who, by 1973, was merely a bodybuilder and little-known actor.  By the time The Princess Bride project had been greenlit, Schwarzenegger had already starred in films like The Terminator and Commando, and was a major film star, too expensive for the studio to hire.  Now without a ‘giant’, Jenkins contacted the World Wrestling Federation to look into hiring André, but was told that he would be busy with a wrestling match in Tokyo that would pay him $5 million.  As it turned out, the match was cancelled, and André ended up in the role after all.

With a cast assembled, it was time to start filming.  However, it was quickly decided that The Princess Bride was not going to work if shot on backlots and soundstages at a studio, so the production team went location hunting.  Most of the sets, as I mentioned in the Facets article, were actually locations in the UK, with the filming taking place over the latter half of the year 1986.  During filming, Reiner rented a house, and frequently invited the cast over for dinners and visits, which many of the actors felt strengthened their performances in the final film.

Once filming started, the adventure was by no means over.

Cary Elwes and Mandy Patinkin were both trained to fence, (both right and left handed) in order to complete the duel without the assistance of stunt doubles (aside from the gymnastics).  Brought in to teach the actors was fencing instructor Bob Anderson (who had worked on Star Wars and Highlander, and would go on to work on The Lord of the Rings trilogy) and stunt arranger Peter Diamond, (who had also worked on Star Wars and Highlander) who trained the actors for three weeks before shooting.  Patinkin and Elwes continued to practice in their off-camera free time, and were encouraged by Anderson to learn one another’s choreography to avoid any accidents.  The pair also watched plenty of fencing scenes from older films in order to get a feel for the movements.

There were a few challenges: after years of damage from wrestling, André the Giant had recently undergone back surgery, and, although being incredibly strong, was unable to support the weight of either Cary Elwes or Robin Wright in those respective scenes, requiring the use of ramps, cables, stunt-doubles and harnesses in order to protect his back while filming the shots used in the film.  

Thankfully, though, the production remained untroubled (aside from minor injuries like Cary Elwes’s broken toe and being knocked unconscious on-screen, or Mandy Patinkin’s bruised rib from holding in laughter at Billy Crystal and Carole Kane’s ad-libbing during the Miracle Max sequence) and the film was released in October of 1987 to a modest performance in the box office, and rave reviews from critics, only to become largely forgotten amongst the other box-office smashes of the blockbuster-heavy latter half of the 1980s.

As time went by, The Princess Bride resurfaced, becoming the leader of the cult-classic phenomenon as fans discovered the film, and interest in the movie spiked, with plenty of people realizing the worth of this forgotten gem.  To this day, it stands as one of the best known films of the 1980s, ironic, considering it’s initial reception, and has been well-loved, and much-quoted, for over thirty years, and will continue to be for years ahead.

Well, it’s almost time to close on our analysis of The Princess Bride.  Join me next time as we take one last look at this classic film: combining the facts with the feelings for a sum-up.  Stay tuned, and thanks so much for reading!  I hope to see you in the next article.

[brucefromfamilyguy]

Oh you're a terf too? Every time you post I love you more <3

FULL NAME

Bruce

LAST REPORTED AGE

52

PRIMARY EMPLOYMENT

Clerk of a horror novelty shop in "Chitty Chitty Death Bang"

CPR Teacher in "The Cleveland-Loretta Quagmire"

A medium in "Petergeist"

A priest in "Boys Do Cry"

A therapist in "Peter's Two Dads"

A lawyer in "Stewie Kills Lois"

A masseuse in "Baby Not On Board"

Bowling alley shoe counterman in "The Splendid Source"

Bartender in "We Love You, Conrad" (DVD exclusive)

Referee in "Baby, You Knock Me Out"

Laser Tag operator in "Forget-Me-Not"

Waste management in "Island Adventure"

Bowling alley desk in "Better Off Meg"

Couples counselor in "Boys & Squirrels"

Bruce is a major recurring character on Family Guy, known for his various jobs.

Bruce rarely appeared at all in the first three seasons of the show, but has become a recurring character since the show returned from cancellation.

He first appeared as the clerk of a horror novelty shop in "Chitty Chitty Death Bang". In "The Cleveland-Loretta Quagmire", he teaches a CPR course at the Quahog Community Center. His name was first revealed when he appeared as a member of the school board committee of James Woods Regional High School in "No Chris Left Behind". This position was implied when he heard the name change proposal to Martin Luther King, Jr. Memorial High School sought by Shauna Parks and Brian Griffin in "Peter's Got Woods".

He appear as a Tetris piece in "Prick Up Your Ears" and as a medium in "Petergeist". He worked for Exotic Entertainment.

In "Untitled Griffin Family History", it is revealed he had an African American slave ancestor named Tobi, who spelled his name with several accents, and is seen being whipped by an English colonist.

In "Road to the Multiverse", he performs "It’s A Wonderful Day for Pie" as a parody of Tinker Bell in the Disney-style universe.

He is Peter Griffin's lawyer for his trial in the accused murder of his wife Lois in "Stewie Kills Lois". He calls Jeffrey about Stewie in "Lois Kills Stewie", and about Peter's mustache in "McStroke".

In "Boys Do Cry", he offers communion wafers with wine. He explicitly warns Stewie not to drink the wine.

In "Baby Not On Board", he is a masseuse.

He appeared at O.J. Simpson's welcome party in "The Juice Is Loose", and joins the mob that chases him out of town.

In "Peter's Two Dads", he is the therapist who helps Peter realize that Francis Griffin is not his biological father.

He debates which groceries to leave behind while in the ten items or less line in "Brian Sings and Swings".

It has been hinted that he may be homosexual throughout the series, such as in "McStroke" when a mustachioed Peter walks by. He has a friend named Jeffrey and in "Road to the North Pole", he declares in "All I Really Want For Christmas" that he wants to marry Jeffrey. Seth MacFarlane confirmed Bruce's homosexuality in an interview with LGBT website The Backlot, citing him as an example of a positive gay character on the show.[1]

In "The Splendid Source", it is revealed that he works at the bowling alley, selling rental shoes. He is one of the people to whom the dirty joke is traced. It s revealed he also has a pet rabbit named Steven.

He plays Greedo in Blue Harvest and Admiral Piett in Something, Something, Something, Dark Side.

In "Tales of a Third Grade Nothing", he seems to be the only one who enjoyed the performance of "Guys & Dolls". He also enjoys ginger ale.

He is the announcer of Lois Griffin's boxing match against Deirdre Jackson in "Baby, You Knock Me Out".

He is an alcoholic, participating in Alcoholics Anonymous meetings Peter attends in "Friends of Peter G".

Bruce can be seen as Stewie rides through town under Brian's car in "Family Guy Viewer Mail No. 2".

The uncensored version of "Ratings Guy" includes a scene of Peter getting a haircut from Bruce, who shaves a misshapen, deformed penis into the back of his head. When Peter questions it, Bruce runs out crying, noting that some people have had an accident.

Bruce is teamed up with Bonnie Swanson in the three-legged race in "He's Bla-ack!".

In the courtroom scene in "The Simpsons Guy", the openly gay Bruce is seated next to the closeted gay Waylon Smithers.

Throughout the series, Mike Henry has given certain anthropomorphic creatures such as Jaws and a Xenomorph the same voice as he's given Bruce.

Bruce is revealed to be 52 in "Underage Peter", having told Jeffrey that he was 39.

In "Married...With Cancer", Bruce officiates Brian's wedding and remarks that it's another wedding he has to watch. He makes his intentions of marriage known to Jeffrey who nervously looks away.

Bruce and the Kool-Aid Man swap bodies in "Switch the Flip". He also has a crowd scene cameo in "No Giggity, No Doubt".

Under pressure from his parents Phil & Candy Straight, Bruce proposes to Meg in "Meg's Wedding". She refuses to acknowledge that he's gay at first, but stops the ceremony and admits she's aware after finding pictures in his phone. He is forced to not only confront his parents, but proposes and marries his long-time boyfriend Jeffery.

[papermoonloveslucy]

THE GOLDEN TOUCH

January 17, 1951

“The Golden Touch" is a modern re-telling of the King Midas story with Jack Benny and his friends as King Midas and his court. It was directed by Robert F. Mansfield, written by Robert Hugh O’Sullivan and with Harry Zimmerman as the composer / conductor. 

“Family Theater” was a weekly half-hour dramatic anthology radio program which aired on the Mutual Broadcasting System (MBS) from February 13, 1947, to September 11, 1957. The show was produced by Family Theater Productions, a film and radio studio extension of the Family Rosary Crusade founded by Father Patrick Peyton as a way to promote family prayer. The motto of the the Holy Cross Family Ministries is, "The family that prays together, stays together." 

Although the program had no commercial sponsor, Father Peyton arranged for many of Hollywood's biggest stars to appear including James Stewart, Bob Hope, Lucille Ball, Raymond Burr, Jane Wyatt, Charlton Heston, Bing Crosby, Jack Benny, Gene Kelly, William Shatner, and Chuck Connors. 

A total of 540 episodes were produced. The program featured not only religious stories but half-hour adaptations of literary works such as A Tale of Two Cities, Moby-Dick and Don Quixote.

Synopsis ~ Lucille Ball is the hostess and Jack Benny stars as the King obsessed with his gold and counting it. The Queen and her daughter get a Genie to sort the King out. The Genie grants the King one wish and the King tells the Genie that he can always use more gold and asks that everything he touches will turn to gold. Of course this seems exciting at first until he turns the Queen and his daughter in to solid gold.

The program was repeated on May 23, 1951.  

King Midas is popularly remembered in Greek mythology for his ability to turn everything he touched into gold. This came to be called the golden touch, or the Midas touch. 

CAST

Jack Benny (King Midas) was born on Valentine’s Day 1894. He had a successful vaudeville career, and an even greater career on radio with “The Jack Benny Program” which also became a successful television show. His screen persona was known for being a penny-pincher and playing the violin. Benny was a Beverly Hills neighbor of Lucille Ball’s and the two were off-screen friends. Benny appeared on “The Lucy Show” as Harry Tuttle (a Jack Benny doppelganger) in “Lucy and the Plumber” (TLS S3;E2), later did a voice over cameo as himself in “Lucy With George Burns” (TLS S5;E1), and played himself in “Lucy Gets Jack Benny’s Account” (TLS S6;E6). He was seen in four episodes of “Here’s Lucy.” Benny and Ball appeared on many TV variety and award shows together. He died in 1974, a few weeks after taping “An All-Star Party for Lucille Ball.”

Lucille Ball (Hostess) was concurrently starring in her own radio comedy “My Favorite Husband” having starred in films from 1933.  In the fall of 1951, Ball and her husband Desi Arnaz launched their iconic television series, “I Love Lucy.”  After her divorce from Arnaz in 1960, Ball starred in two subsequent television series’ - “The Lucy Show” and “Here’s Lucy.” After a series of TV specials, she did one more series in 1986, which was not successful. She died in 1989. 

Ted de Corsia (Harvey Benson, Reporter from The Daily Telegram) was an actor in touring companies and on radio before making a memorable film debut as the killer in The Lady from Shanghai (1947). De Corsia's New York street demeanor and gravelly voice assured him steady work playing street thugs, gang leaders or organized-crime bosses. On radio he starred in the CBS series "Pursuit" (1949-50). Two years before he was heard on an episode of “My Favorite Husband” with Lucille Ball.

Barbara Eiler (Princess Imogene) started acting as a teenager and appeared regularly on the radio programs “The Life of Riley,” “A Day in the Life of Dennis Day,” “The Fabulous Dr. Tweedy” and “Glamor Manor." She did a 1948 episode of “My Favorite Husband” with Lucille Ball. 

Eleanor Audley (Queen Midas) played Lucille Ball’s mother-in-law on “My Favorite Husband.” She would later play Eleanor Spalding, owner of the Westport home the Ricardos buy in “Lucy Wants To Move to the Country” (ILL S6;E15) in 1957, as well as one of the Garden Club judges in “Lucy Raises Tulips” (ILL S6;E26).

Alan Reed (Matthew the Butler / Tony the Cook) is probably best remembered as the voice of Fred Flintstone. He started his acting career in 1937. He acted opposite Lucille Ball in a 1963 episode of “The Lucy Show” (ILL S1;E25). In 1967, he made an appearance on the Desi Arnaz series “The Mothers-in-Law”. He died in 1977 at the age of 69.

Reed uses an English accent as Matthew and an Italian accent as Tony.

Verna Felton (Molly, Kitchen Help) received two Emmy nominations for her role in the Desilu series “December Bride,” playing Hilda Crocker from 1955 to 1959. She did two episodes of “I Love Lucy,” including playing Lucy’s stern maid, Mrs. Porter. Felton voiced many characters for Disney.

Felton uses an Irish accent as Molly.

Howard McNear (Ipsuda, Magician) played Mr. Crawford, Little Ricky’s music teacher on “I Love Lucy.” McNear went on to play Floyd the Barber on “The Andy Griffith Show” from 1961 to 1967, filmed on the Desilu backlot. He was also seen in Lucy and Desi’s 1953 film The Long, Long Trailer.

Frank Nelson (Genie / Mr. Gene Blue) was born on May 6, 1911 (three months before Lucille Ball) in Colorado Springs, Colorado. He started working as a radio announcer at the age of 15. He later appeared on such popular radio shows as “The Great Gildersleeve,” “Burns and Allen,” and “Fibber McGee & Molly”. This is one of his 11 performances on “My Favorite Husband.”  On “I Love Lucy” he holds the distinction of being the only actor to play two recurring roles: Freddie Fillmore and Ralph Ramsey, as well as six one-off characters, including the frazzled train conductor in “The Great Train Robbery” (ILL S5;E5), a character he repeated on “The Lucy Show.”  Aside from Lucille Ball, Nelson is perhaps most associated with Jack Benny and was a fifteen-year regular on his radio and television programs.

Howard Culver (Jake Workman, Ice Man) was best known as hotel clerk Howie Uzzell during the entire run of TV's “Gunsmoke.” On radio he starred in the title role of the Western adventure series “Straight Arrow” which aired on Mutual from 1948 to 1951.   

Tony La Frano (Announcer) was the regular announcer for “Music Depreciation” (1945) and every episode of “Family Theatre” (1947-1957). 

EPISODE

Hostess Lucille Ball introduces the show, which was broadcast in front of a live audience. Lucille urges listeners to pray together as a family. She then introduces Jack Benny as the King, to great fanfare. 

Instead of Benny, the show opens with Imogene on the telephone of a busy office in the Kingdom of Midas. Harvey Benson, an American reporter, arrives to see the Queen, who thinks he is there for money, but he wants the story of something that happened there recently. She tells the story in flashback...

A month ago, King Midas is at breakfast with his family. Imogene complains about having cornmeal mush for breakfast again, but Midas reasons that they have a 752 pounds of corn (thanks to the foresight of his father), so they must eat it!  

Matthew, King Midas’ butler, suddenly quits after 32 years! He is tired of carrying the King’s gold. He is also tired of the mush. Because of an ancient decree, the help must eat whatever the King eats. 

Imogene and the Queen insist King Midas counts his money too much - 80 million dollars a day!  Once the King is gone, the Queen sends Imogene on a mission to see a magician named Ipusda to buy a genie. 

At Ipsuda’s shop, Imogene has her pick of genies - even ones vacuum packed in cans (only for tourists)!  She buys the blue bottle special for 5 gold pieces - plus a small deposit on the bottle!   Imogene brings the magic blue bottle back to the Queen, who says the magic words: “Genie out and at attention!  Do the chores which I will mention!”  The giggling Genie immediately appears, talking in rhyme, very amused at his own cleverness.  They promise the Genie his freedom if he does as bid.  The Queen whispers the orders to the Genie, without letting Imogene know.

Next morning, Imogene and the Queen introduce Midas to his new servant - the Genie!  At their bidding, he conjures up bacon and eggs. Midas hates the Genie’s rhyming. He asks Midas what one wish he wants more than anything else in the world.  Naturally, he wants more gold. 

The Genie grants him with the skill to turn everything he touches to gold!  The Genie pops back into the bottle. Imogene notices his utensils have turned to gold - then his eggs - then his coffee.  

Before he can stop himself, he turns his own daughter to gold! Midas demands the Queen bring the Genie back, but she refuses and storms off. 

Midas hears the kitchen servants Tony and Molly arguing in the next room. Tony goes to shake his hand, but he turns to gold! He touches Molly and she, too, turns to gold. 

The ice man arrives and sees the two golden servants. Signing for the ice, the King tries to give him the golden pencil as a tip! Midas explains his problem - everything he touches turns to gold. Jake is about to phone his brother-in-law, Ipsuda, but when he learns that it was the work of a genie, he hangs up. All they can do is wait for the Queen to return to get the Genie out of the bottle! 

Time passes and Jake reveals that the King is not as highly regarded in the Kingdom as he thinks.  The King admits to being money mad. Midas decides to start giving his money away - starting now!

The Queen arrives and she Midas admits that he never wants to see gold again as long as he lives. After accidentally turning Jake to gold during a hug, the Queen summons the Genie to change the King back - in return for his freedom and a good job. The Genie removes the curse. 

Flash forward to the Queen’s interview with newspaper reporter Harvey Benson. Mr. Gene Blue, the president of the relief organization, enters. He makes a joke about his name sounding like “Benson Burners.” He laughs hysterically as the music swells. 

Lucille Ball closes the show by asking if the audience knows how Hedda Hopper makes a hat, comparing it to how scientists make a concoction out of ordinary things to create something incredible: jewels out of sawdust, perfume out of coal tar, medicine out of weeds or mold. She says the power of prayer, just like the ordinary things that create something magical, are there all the time, but must be used to get benefits: the jewel of a happy home life, the perfume of uplifted hearts, medicine for a sick world.

LUCILLE BALL: “The family that prays together, stays together.” 

Announcer Tony Lo Frano reads the credits and says that next week’s program Walter Brennan and Bette Lynn in “A Star for Helen” with the honorable Frank Walker as host.  

[fearsmagazine]

I’ve kept my peace and can finally speak. I am not surprised. The hubris of the creative time behind the reboot was shameless.  There were many things wrong with these stories, but the worst atrocities were season one’s butchered reworking of the Richard Matterson classic "Nightmare at 30,000 Feet" (episode two) and episode ten, the season finale, "Blurryman.” The series should have been canceled based on this abomination alone.

The premise for the "Blurryman,” which was penned by Alex Rubens – who should have his Writer’s Guild membership revoked - deals with the production of an episode of the show. Jordan Peele, Seth Rogen, Jason Priestley, and Betty Gabriel play themselves. Actress Zazie Beetz plays Sophie, the writer of the episode they are shooting. When Sophie goes looking for Peele, she encounters the “blurryman.” As she digs into the origin of this enigma it is revealed that he has appeared in other episodes during the season. During the episode, Sophie has several conversations about the opening monologue as Peele feels it is not quite right. To make a long story short, and be warned spoiler ahead, the “blurryman” turns out be Rod Serling. Claiming that they have "a lot of work to do," Serling escorts Sophie through a door into the Twilight Zone.

Give me a god damn break! The villainy that these writers think that their work here was on par with anything Rod Serling ever created is utter madness. If anything, escorting Sophie through a door in the Twilight Zone serves more as a metaphor of removing these bad writers then a welcome into the universe Serling created.

I was actually re-watching the classic black-&-white episode on Netflix when the Peele’s reboot began airing. The only thing that might put off viewers is those episodes are in black-&-white. Otherwise, they are timeless tales that reflect the full spectrum of storytelling as they explore the intricacies of the human condition. Regardless of their format, these stories, penned by some of the finest writers of their time, are ripe with an intensity that explores every emotion from comedy to drama, and the subtle nuances in between.  It is no wonder that these writers, such as Charles Beaumont, Richard Matheson, George Clayton Johnson, Ray Bradbury, & Rod Serling, were all award winning writers.

The depth of the arrogance by those behind the reboot knew no bounds and added insult to injury by transforming several of these new episodes into a black-&-white format. How dare they think that their subpar efforts were even remotely worthy to be compared to the original series.

So I say thank goodness for the studio and network powers that be for canceling this abomination. May they take the medium that these shows exist on to an abandoned site in the backlot for burial and salt the ground once they have covered them with dirt.

[apricops]

top five esoteric peter moore songs please

Half of these are on here because I think they’re actually clever and poignant and half of them are just on here because they’re hilarious to describe.

5. “A Cell for Salieri,” in which Peter Moore plays a fetus that doesn’t want to be pushed out into the world (I think).

Nine months afloat in a well Never seen much past the shell Never known heaven from hell Got rid of my tail halfway through

Nothing to worry my head Never’s a word never said Never know living from dead And hopeful that I never do

Safe and sound I’ll stay here I’ll hunker down Safe inside a cell

4. “The Living Room,” in which Peter Moore plays a US nationalist chud watching war coverage on TV news, living his petty fantasies vicariously through imperialist war. The line between the TV screen and his living room window start to blur, seeing “the terrorists” as both far away and right outside his room, and it ends with him sending his son off to war to further his fantasies. Parts of it are a bit on the nose, granted, but "just keep the sound of the mortar fire far from us” is such a killer opener. The fusion of heavy NIN-style industrial music with the sitar(?) emphasizes the disconnect of the protagonist.

I wish those assholes across the sea take Bob White hostage I wish those assholes on my TV take Bob White hostage Instead of people, good people, like me, good people

They’ll never take me, never let those assholes me They’ll never take me, long as I let you take my Charlie My Charlie boy, oh take good care of my boy Charlie, he’s a good kid, he’ll help you keep the trouble distant. But from the windows here in my room, just let me watch. In peace, inside my room, just let me watch. In one piece, in one piece, in peace.

3. “Cure of a Kiss,” in which Peter Moore plays a fairy tale princess who is glumly getting drunk with other fairy tale princesses after they missed their chance to kiss the frog and turn him back into a prince. The music snaps between relatively sparse guitar-and-drums inside the protagonist’s head, heavy electric guitar riffs when she drunkenly rants, and a floating xylophone(?) during the chorus as she imagines what could have been, playing with the disconnect between the happy ending and the roomful of runners-up.

Til two hours later we’re converted, convinced We’ve survived this cycle some sixty-six times since And each time we hanker for that first wave of bliss That rush, that sui generis, that primal pure kiss... ...but in the end, we just lose hope in hope itself, meanwhile Beauty’s gone to bathe in the pond she’s wading shoulder-deep in the mist Flirting with a frog on a frond, He’s waited all his life just for this, Waited for the wave of a wand, Waited for the cure of a kiss.

2. “Schizoid Astroplane,” in which Peter Moore plays the role of an alien who has just landed on earth and is attempting to introduce himself but can’t stop accidentally speaking in sexually aggressive double entendres. The vocals lurch around, making it feel “translated” and emphasizing the gap between the alien’s intended meaning and how he’s received.

Hey, girl! Your backyard’s tight, As runways go But I landed fine, allow me to introduce myself, I’m from that star there Don’t go callin’ the police Don’t shriek and run and hide I only come in peace Inviting you insi-i-i-ide My Schizoid Astroplane

1. “Holy Cow,” in which Peter Moore plays the role of a red-meat-loving racist who is unspeakably pissed off at a Hindu for refusing to eat beef. A significant number of people took the song on its face and assumed the band was a bunch of bigots despite the drummer being South Asian.

Well you believe it’s bad voodoo To even think to chew On the flesh of bovine Hey to us it tastes fine But it’s god to you!

Honorable mentions:

“Moon 69,” in which Peter Moore plays America gloating about the moon landing

Bailey tossed a rope around, now NASA reels it in But old folks say they staged it on a backlot of MGM Move over Mr. President, no more ticker-tape for you These boys been lunar after all, man, that golf ball really flew

“Cry for Sugar,” the flipside of Schizoid Astroplane, in which an alien arrives on earth and is immediately sexually assaulted.

See, every flick of his wrists was just a cry for sugar, and every lick of his lips meant “my throat is dry!” And every tic of his eye meant “Heavens help me!” And in an ice cream van they made our space-man cry.

“Mamther,” in which the lyrics are all just sounds that Peter Moore likes to make with his mouth.