#take the train to manchester
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corduroyinstitute · 11 months ago
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Take the Train to Manchester
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The new Corduroy Institute album is finally available for download on Bandcamp—link in bio. This record contains nine songs which were created between December of 2019 and August of 2023— the longest span of time we have ever devoted to any of our releases.
Take the Train to Manchester coalesced around the principle of discontinuity. Every piece was crafted intermittently over a period of years, thus allowing audio recordings from different moments of our past intermingle to create compositions which we ourselves could have never foreseen. The end result is a document of alienation written to and from the forgotten.
As with previous efforts, the music was created through multitracked improvisations and the lyrics were derived from cut-ups taken from across the gamut of print media. During the course of our sonic research we employed the Bass VI, synthesizers, guitars, drum machines, samplers, guitar pedals, loopers, digital modular synthesizers, and even a microcassette recorder to create the sonorities on these recordings.
We invite you to listen, download, and provide your peer review.
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shamblz · 2 months ago
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Getting up at 5.45 tomorrow to go to a work seminar in Manchester at 9 to hopefully get back home for around 6.30 so I have time to make it to Leicester so I can go cinema with my mum and watch the Edward Scissorhands ballet broadcast at 7 so I can get back home for probably around 11pm so I can go to bed and get up for work again the next day at 6.55
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somecunttookmyurl · 10 months ago
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trenitalia really are awful though :(
meh. i've travelled on trenitalia and they are not significantly worse than whatever the fuck is going on with the rail service around manchester
but they are literally a quarter of the price so they could set me on fire and it would be like "this is fine"
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larentslovechaos · 2 months ago
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ok so what are the chances of harry's family also being on my flight to edinburgh today
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crowley1990 · 4 months ago
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I do lots of nice things but I’m always doing them by myself and I’m a bit sick of it
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mitamicah · 6 months ago
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#I have thoughts about the new tour yet I am not sure if I should share (given why I do so in tags)#I am not surprised to see denmark is absent#I am a bit surprised to see no scandinavian country AT ALL#not surprised to see germany and the uk have most dates (that's sadly something I've seen a lot from bands/artists I like)#a little befundled with the route he has scheduled for both germany and the uk dates#glad to see other countries like switzerland france and the netherlands get their debut#not surprised it is in october since that seems to be around the same time for his europe antics last year as well#all this said I am a bit conflicted what to do myself#I'd like to go to gigs on this tour#yet I've already run out of the country four times these past upcoming five months (three times to finland)#since it is quite expensive and maybe not something I will have time for given I hopefully get an internship in august#with that in mind I feel like I should probably go for only a few dates#and yet last time I felt very much like I was missing out and overlooked because I didn't go to “more than two shows”#and here is where I feel like my thoughts are probably not great#i was thinking about maybe going for hamburg as first priority since it is the closest (4 hours in train)#then have frankfurt and munich as second priorities making it a little mini tour#I am not sure if I'd physically and mentally be able to do more than three gigs in a row#yet if I am I sort of want to go to zurich too because I've never been there#two days to decide is not very long#I feel very stressed tbh#and I hope noone will take this in any wrong way#please I really dont want to feel shit again#I know my last concert related take was on the fence#(even though as it turned out the venue did worse than me in that regard)#but this one is really just me thinking about what would be the smartest plan#other possible options would be to go for zurich since it is in a weekend (sunday) and then - depending on whether or not I have work#either go home or follow jere to amsterdam (then maybe paris and brussels)#another option is berlin then hamburg and then to home from there (so two shows)#or london and bristol since its the weekend (maybe manchester as well if it is not far - so up to three shows)#the latter I am a bit concerned about since being trans in the uk is not great atm
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mogoce-nocoj · 7 months ago
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what a beautiful day to leave london
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zaddyazula · 1 year ago
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my product design teacher has given me a load of homework 😭😭😭😭
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bunnys-kisses · 3 months ago
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scary dog privilege
simon "ghost" riley
cw: smut/pwp, loving!ghost, size difference/kink, body worship, praise kink, missionary
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  “simon? a scary dog? no way!” you laughed as you had another sip of your coffee. you were meeting with a few of your friends and they were curious about your boyfriend. they had met him a few times and thought you two were a good match, despite simon's scary appearance. one of your friends suggested that simon was akin to a scary dog. and the notion made you laugh.
your simon? the one who brought you home flowers every time he returned back to england. the one who doted on you that one time you had a really bad headache. the same simon that figured out the recipe to one of your favourite childhood dishes! he went through all the trouble to contact your grandmother and find out exactly how to make it because he loved you that much. 
  “he dresses in all-black and is so tall. it's a little scary!” your friend admitted. 
you laughed, “oh you guys are so funny. simon's a huge sweetheart! literally the other day he was nice enough to make me some homemade ice tea so i would have something cool to drink when i got home from work!” 
your friends looked at each other, as long as you weren't in a situation you didn't want to be in. then who were they to judge, simon never laid a hand on you that you didn't want on you. however, they worried that the people who tried to push your boundaries were not as lucky as you. you continued to chat happily with your friends, your sweet coffee tasted good on your tongue. you were all cooing and blushing over your beloved boyfriend simon!
and during the course of your time with your friends, they were almost convinced that simon was less of a pitbull and more of a golden retriever. that was until the imposing soldier came through the front door of the cafe. the heavy steps of his boots could be heard as he approached the table you were seated at with your friends. 
he definitely looked more like guard dog than a lap dog. 
you looked over and your expression changed to one of glee as you put your drink down and reached for your boyfriend. you babbled at him about how you were talking about him, and he responded with short nods and not many words. you were for sure more of the talker than he was. you finished your drink, even sharing some with simon before you gave all your friends hugs and left with your scary boyfriend. 
simon adored you, therefore you hardly noticed how tall he was, how big every part of him was, the medical mask he always wore, but you knew what was underneath. simon didn't scare you as he did others, he was your loving boyfriend of the last few years. he was a nerd about history facts and loved manchester united. he drank his tea black and his coffee with two sugars.  he wasn't scary. 
even though on your way home and you were giving some directions, simon was over your shoulder glaring daggers at the person receiving your instructions. afterwards you took simon's hand and swung your hands as you walked towards the tube station. you sat close to him on the train, his large arm over your shoulders and occasionally you kissed any exposed skin on his face. 
you hardly noticed when simon was giving the death glare to someone else on the train who was eyeing you up and down. if you weren't at simon's side, he would've made himself known to the man eyeing you. made sure that the other man wasn't going to cause any problems. last thing he wanted was for it to get physical.
  “si?” you looked at him curiously, noticing he hadn't moved in a good moment. 
  “don't worry, love. thought i saw something.” 
you nodded and melted back into his side until it was time to get off the train. simon just adored you, he thought you brought the sunrise to him every morning. you had captured his heart quite easily. you were soft, not weak. you were far from weak, you could take anything and then some. but you were a lot softer than him, all the way down to your smooth hands that touched his scars. your heart was always in the right place and simon felt the need to protect you. 
after dinner you were snuggled up with your big handsome boyfriend. you felt comfortable next to him.  you spread your hand across his strong chest and pressed yourself up against him. you asked him, “si, do you think you're a scary dog?”
  “a scary dog?”
  “yeah, like when i walk down the street with you no one wants to approach us because you're so scary!”
he chuckled and pulled you closer to him, “well, i wouldn't say i'm scary. but you are.” he said as a joke, you wouldn't hurt a fly. literally, last time there was a fly in your flat you coaxed the insect out through an open window. 
you chuckled and leaned up to kiss him, “well, i guess i have to protect you then.” you flexed your bicep and laughed some more. simon just pinned you to him and kissed the shell of your ear all the way down your neck. this only caused you to squirm against him as you laughed more. 
  “i guess so, maybe i should give you a ‘thank you’ for doing such a good job protecting me.” he said with a certain softness in his voice. 
you held onto the front of his shirt and gave him a mischievous glance, “i guess you do. i do love rewards.” then leaned in to kiss him on the cheek. you then got out of your boyfriend's grasp and took him by the hand delicately and led him towards your shared bedroom. you could feel the flush in your cheeks. you couldn't help but giggle at how much you loved your boyfriend. 
in the bedroom, simon grabbed you from under the pits and almost tossed you onto the big bed you both shared.  you sat on it and quickly got your t-shirt off, followed by your sweatpants that you had rolled up to the knees. simon helped you get your socks off along with your bra. you then laid out under him in just a cheap pair of cotton panties. 
simon's hands roamed your body, he was naked as well. his cock stood proud between his legs. enticing you. he really was so much bigger than you, he wasn't one of those dehydrated muscle guys. no, no, he had a bulk to him that was lined with muscles. he could easily lift two of you, if not more, with relative ease. 
  “you look like a dream.” he said softly, “every time i go away, i'm thinkin' about ya, love. thinkin' about those pretty eyes, your soft skin, the little scar on your cheek, those nice thighs. i'm thinkin' about every inch of my woman.” his words made your chest soar as you felt warmth in his presence.  his hands continued to roam, feeling the valleys of your body before they rested on the the waistband on your underwear. 
slowly he took them off with a little help from you. it left you both naked. simon leaned in and kissed you once more, his hands were on your breasts and he palmed them softly. he never wanted to hurt his beautiful girl. he could feel the heat radiating off your cheeks from how much you were blushing. simon left a few more kisses because he pulled back to grab you by the hips. 
you wrapped your legs around your lover and smiled up at him. bright like the afternoon sun. he held onto your hips with one hand and the other was wrapped around his cock as he rubbed his length up against your sweet cunt. he shuddered and you wanted to cover your face with your hands. but you knew that simon loved when he was able to see you.
  “ready for me?” he asked. 
you nodded and shifted your hips a little. you winced a little when you felt the initial stretch of his cock. you exhaled deeply and relaxed as he slotted his cock snugly inside of you. you reached for him and held onto his shoulders as he pressed his strong chest against yours. you swore you could feel the race in his heart rate. 
  “you take me so well.” he purred, “you take me perfectly. nobody else can take this like you can.” he planted his hands on either side of you on the bed and pushing his cock up into you. he felt the sweat at the nape of his neck and it felt good all over. 
  “i'm made just for you, si.” you giggled as you squirmed a little bit, but simon's much larger body kept you pinned down onto the bed. you two moved against one another, there was sparse kisses shared between the two of you as the bed creaked under your movements. 
simon felt like you other half, you couldn't believe that the man for you was a burly over 6ft tall soldier who loved and adored you. who'd do anything for you. you didn't understand dhow anyone could find him terrifying. he was just so doting on you. even his kisses were soft as he rocked against you. his cock nudged against some of your most sensitive areas. 
the love making between you two continued, you kept your legs around your lover and let him shove his cock up into you. the kissed became heavier as the pleasure bloomed in your body. you panted a little between kisses and knew that orgasm was creeping up on you. there was something about simon that made you hot all over. he knew exactly how to love you.
  “i love you.” he said softly. he placed his hands closer to your head and kissed you softly between heavy thrusts. his whispered praises you could barely hear against your neck as he felt the sweat on his back, his entire body felt hot but it was also an amazing feeling.  he muttered, “i'm close.” and picked up his pace. 
you met his thrusts and let the pleasure melt in your body. you clutched onto him and tightened your legs around his waist. your gummy walls felt so good around him and he buried his face in your neck as he gave a few more powerful thrusts. he came inside of you with a shudder but kept up the pace of his thrusts until you came as well. you held onto him, nails dug into his shoulders as you arched you back a little. 
simon slowed down his pace until it came to a stand still with his softening cock still inside of you. the blond wiped the sweat from his forehead as he pulled you in for another hot kiss. he then slowly pulled out and took hold of you. his strong arms around you as you laid on top of the covers. his legs tangled in yours as you both tried to catch your breath.
  “i don't think you're a scary dog, si.” you yawned as you got comfortable. 
simon chuckled, his brown eyes slightly closed, “oh yeah? all the tattoos and dark clothes aren't scary enough for ya?”
you turned over to face him and presses a kiss on his crooked nose, “nope, because i know once we get out of bed you'll be getting me my favorite bowl and two healthy scoops of cookies n' cream ice cream.” then beamed at him. 
  “ah well, of course. only the best for my girl.” he kissed you on the cheek. he may be scary to everyone, but to you he was just a little lap dog. <3
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corduroyinstitute · 1 month ago
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October 17, 2020: Four years ago today, Corduroy Institute recorded a piece which would eventually become the closing track on our album Take the Train to Manchester—”You Always Loved Everything…”
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https://corduroyinstitute.bandcamp.com/track/you-always-loved-everything
https://music.apple.com/us/album/you-always-loved-everything/1723644317?i=1723644332
https://open.spotify.com/track/5N4Wkeg3ATiXn7VrIjrAzP?si=3336105942d04e43
This was the third and final song of the Lost October Sessions, and it was also the second to be recorded on that date. Circa 10:45 PM, the duo performed a rhythmic layer involving the MC-707 and the Bass VI. S.A. Morin then recorded himself running the Bass VI through the EHX Superego Plus followed by some MC-707 finger drumming atop the latter half of the song. This was his first time creating percussion using this technique. We concluded the evening by doing a mixdown that faded from the original drums into S.A. Morin’s drums to create a dynamic shift over the course of the track.
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The next day, following additional experimentation as a duo, S.A. Morin departed and W. Ruiz decided to do something he has never done in the context of Corduroy Institute: overdub and layer solo improvisations atop an extant recording. He made numerous passes on the V-Synth with several different patches, and then he used the Tascam DP-24SD Digital Portastudio to destructively edit down these layers into a wall of swirling orchestral sounds.
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When S.A. Morin heard this, he was inspired to supplant his first Superego Plus performance. He then selected lyrics from among the dozens of stanzas W. Ruiz had crafted in 2020. Both members recorded vocals, with additional work over the next two days. At that point, we had essentially recorded the first song for an album which we did not even know we were on the path to making. Vocal reverb was added in November, and the final mix was completed in the summer of 2023.
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"You Always Loved Everything..." not only concludes Take the Train to Manchester but it is also on Episode Four of the @afterglowechoplex podcast. We hope you take the time to enjoy the song within its original context along with its recontextualized position within a virtual mixtape of shoegaze-adjacent independent music.
https://linktr.ee/afterglowechoplex
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ellecdc · 2 months ago
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About the onde bed trope… since there aren’t a lot of those, I was wondering if you could write one with reader and wolfstar? Maybe a smut or just something fluff
hi babes! so I got this request right after someone had asked for recommendations for one-bed tropes, which I had only ever read one and shared it. SO, I wanted to remind everyone of the cute wolfstar x reader one bed fic I read by @longlivedelusion, and know that while I'm happy to contribute to this super fun trope with our lovely wolfstar, that it was more than likely inspired by their awesome work linked above!
poly!wolfstar x Potter!reader who have to share a bed [2.8k words]
CW: mutual pining, feelings of 3rd wheeling, fluff, potter family
The hotel was bustling with what appeared to be just as many staff as there were patrons waiting in the lobby.
Bags were being whisked away, key cards were being handed to waiting hands, and nearly every second person was wearing a Manchester United jersey. 
James was positively giddy and practically vibrating with excitement, Lily and Regulus had their faces shoved into Lily’s phone as they (re)read the itinerary they had planned for James’ birthday trip, Remus arched his shoulders as he let his duffle fall to the ground and Sirius murmured promises of a back massage when they got to their room, and you people watched. 
Your parents had given James (and all of his friends) tickets to the Manchester home game and a few nights stay at a posh hotel close to the stadium.
Lily and Regulus, being James’ dutiful partners, planned other things for the lot of you to do while you were here, too.
Right now, however, you wanted nothing more than to get to your room, take a shower to wash the train off of your being, and go to sleep.
Mercifully the check in counter cleared and your group stepped up to the waiting concierge. 
��Hi there! We’re checking in for Potter; group of six.” Lily offered primly as she handed the man a copy of the booking number. 
“Right! Okay, so Potter, two rooms, each with a king, for three nights.” The man read from the screen, looking over in concern when six varied protests sounded from the group.
“No, I’m quite sure it’s meant to be three rooms.” Lily corrected quickly, offering you a worried glance before she nearly leaned over the welcome desk to peer at the computer monitor as if she was ready to take over for the concierge. 
The man hummed as he continued tapping keys and clicking his mouse and scrolling and please for the love of God don’t let there be a mix up.
It was going to be you that was the problem; not Lily and Regulus who were counting on a romantic trip to celebrate their boyfriend, and not Remus and Sirius with their long-established relationship and promises of Remus’ massage.
“The booking is only showing two rooms, uhm, let me just confirm with my manager that I’m not missing anything.” He bumbled awkwardly before standing and all but fleeing from the group of you. 
“It’s probably just a mistake.” James offered quickly as he jostled your shoulder. “With this many people here, the system is probably just lagging.”
But it wasn’t just a mistake and the system wasn’t just lagging and there was very much only two rooms booked under Potter.
“Is there any way we can book a third room? It can go on the same card.” You asked meekly, nervously glancing between the manager and the computer. 
“Unfortunately, the hotel is entirely booked.” She offered you with a pained smile, and just from your survey of the lobby while you’d been waiting in line, you knew that had to be true. 
“Do you have any cots we could have sent up to the rooms?” Lily asked hopefully, earning another grimace from the manager which was all the response you needed.
You could feel the group looking at you awkwardly and you immediately regretted even coming; you should have just left James to celebrate his birthday with his partners and best friends and stayed out of it, but instead, you were the troublesome younger sibling who your parents forced the group to bring along. Maybe you could catch a train back home? Maybe you could catch a train a town or two over and just have your own mini vacation and leave them to their celebrations.
“Don’t worry, bug!” James said as he rubbed your arm roughly before reaching over you to grab the keys to the two rooms from the concierge who was clearly now only waiting for the lot of you to bugger off so he could help the people behind you. “We’ll make this work.”
“You shouldn’t have to make it work, Jamie.” You moaned as your group moved to stand against a wall across the lobby as you all tried to problem solve this. 
“Both rooms have just one bed each, right? Do either of them have a sofa?” Regulus asked first.
“The pictures online didn’t look like it; the rooms had the bed, one grandfather chair, and a desk with a rolling desk chair.” Lily responded. 
“Okay, well, both rooms have king sized beds, we can share.” Sirius offered simply, causing you to nearly whimper.
“I’m not going to impose on anyone’s beds.” You murmured as you stared resolutely at your feet.
“You can share with me! It’ll be like the old days when we’d have a “sleepover” in the living room!” James offered excitedly, and you had to hand it to him for his sense of adventure and enthusiasm, but you couldn’t help but notice the quick glance Lily and Regulus shared.
“It’s your birthday weekend, Jamie, you should get to spend it with your partners.”
“Okayyyy, uhm, what about the girls room together and boys room together?” He offered instead, causing Lily to furrow her brows at him.
“But then two of us will be sharing while four of you will be sharing.” She countered, followed up quickly by Regulus who stated he would not, under any circumstances, be sharing a bed with his brother. 
“No, you’re right, erm, well… Me, Pads, and Moony could share-”
“James, I love you, but you’re terrible at this.” Sirius interrupted before turning his gaze to you. “You should just stay with me and Moons; leave these three to their…canoodling.” He said around a theatrical gag. 
“You guys were probably looking forward to a romantic stay too.” You muttered somewhat petulantly, and that was what nearly brought you to the brink of tears.
Not that you were the figurative sixth wheel, not that you were left without a room and imposing on two relationships, and not even that you felt particularly out of place.
No, the thing that nearly brought you to tears was the fact that you were acting so petulant on your brother's birthday which he had been so incredibly excited for.
You would not ruin this for him, for any of them. 
“No, you know what, sorry, you’re right, Sirius. I’ll pile the extra bedding they keep in the closets and make myself a little nest on the floor, it’ll be like camping!” You decided, pasting on the widest smile you could muster. 
You swore you saw Sirius’ face fall slightly but powered on when James was back to clapping his hands together excitedly. “Brilliant! This will be so fun, and so worth it, bug. Don’t you worry.”
And you were worried, but he didn’t need to know that. 
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“You’re not actually going to sleep on the floor, right doll?” Sirius asked after the hotel door shut with a click behind him as he glanced around the room. 
It was perhaps a bit tight, but if you set up your little nest underneath the window, neither boy should trip over you in the middle of the night should they need to use the loo.
“Oh it’ll be fine.” You offered in what you hoped was convincing nonchalance. 
“I really think the bed is big enough, dove. And Sirius usually latches onto me in the night so you shouldn’t even notice we’re there.” Remus offered gently, watching as you flung the closet doors open to procure the extra bedding. 
“S’not my fault, moons.” Sirius countered as he trailed right on your heels to where you were trying to make your ‘nest’. “You keep the thermostat so sodding low, I’d simply freeze to death if you didn’t share your body heat.”
He ignored your indignant “oi!” as he immediately plucked your pillows and blankets off the floor from where you’d placed them and moved them to the end of the bed. “And, I think you do that on purpose; you like cuddling.” He continued, gently swatting at your hands as you tried to reclaim your makeshift bed. 
“Oh, I love cuddling.” Remus agreed readily, clearly ignoring the fact that you and Sirius were currently in a petty squabble over linens. “What I don’t like is being jolted awake to your ice cold feet being shoved under my thighs at three o'clock in the morning- dove.” He gave you a pointed look with one arched eyebrow as you huffed petulantly and crossed your arms. 
“You are not sleeping on the floor, doll. Your parents paid for the sodding rooms.” Sirius claimed resolutely. 
“They were meant to pay for three rooms so that you two would have some privacy.” You argued.
“You’re really the only one upset about this, babes.” He stated, face softening when you nervously pulled your lip between your teeth. “If you’re worried about space, I’ll take the floor.”
“I don’t want you to take the floor.”
“Then I’ll take-” Remus started, but was interrupted when both you and Sirius spat “you’re not sleeping on the floor, Remus” and “like fuck you’re sleeping on the floor, don’t be ridiculous”, respectively. 
“So those are your choices, sweetheart; I take the floor or we share the bed.” 
After this many years of knowing each other, you knew when Sirius was bluffing, and you knew when it was better to fold; with the no nonsense look that currently adorned his face, you knew that those were, indeed, your only options.
You looked over at the bed wearily; it really was quite large…and you could use your own blanket so that you weren’t encroaching on their space or stealing their blankets. 
The problem was that the bed wasn’t the only problem. It also was very much the fact that you were pretty well completely gone for two of your brothers best friends.
Two of your brothers best friends who were very much dating each other. 
Two of your brothers best friends who were dating each other that you were completely gone for and now forced to share a bed with them. 
Awesome. 
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Sirius just about died when you stepped out of the bathroom with wet hair leaving damp patches on your sleep shirt and your legs on full display thanks to the matching shorts.
He just about died again when you caught him staring at you.
He nearly died a third time when Remus’ pointed clearing of his throat was what finally broke him from the trance you had on him; both he and Remus now red in the face while you looked to be fairing little better as you hid behind your wet hair and fussed with your toiletries instead of looking at either of them.
Sirius felt horribly pathetic - years of living with the Potter’s did absolutely nothing to dim the flame he held for you, nor did the physical space that living with Remus in their own flat for the past few years offered him.
The only thing that made his infatuation slightly less embarrassing was the fact that Remus held a similar flame for you, too. 
So while this was sort of everything he’d ever wanted - spending the night in a bed with two people he was absolutely crazy about - he was equally afraid of making you horribly uncomfortable. 
“Smooth.” Remus muttered as he came up behind Sirius only after you’d gone back into the bathroom to brush your teeth.
Sirius wanted to turn and sneer at his boyfriend. “I know I am” danced on the tip of his tongue; his usual suave blaseness in all its glory rearing its head at the insinuation that Sirius was anything but a certified charmer.
But all that managed to leave Sirius’ lips was a breathy “fuck” as he stared decisively at the space you’d been standing previously.
But before Sirius could spend any (more) time spiralling or Remus could offer words of encouragement (or commiseration), you were tentatively sliding into what the three of you had agreed would be your side.
Your side. 
The sentiment made Sirius stomach dip; after all these years he was finally getting a taste of what he’d always wanted.
Yet it wasn’t enough.
The lights were off and Sirius’ back was pressed into Remus’ chest as they both watched the steady rise and fall of your shoulders as you slept. They’d both felt so tired on the train ride here, yet neither of them could bring themselves to close their eyes when the alternative was getting to see you rest in their bed.
“Is this really happening?” Remus whispered quietly then, causing Sirius to snuggle impossibly further into him.
“Feels like a dream.” Sirius whispered back; his hand itching to reach out and twirl a lock of your drying hair around his finger, to encourage you to roll over so that they could see your pretty face, to pull you into him and hold you close. 
Remus tightened his hold around Sirius and pushed his nose into his shoulder. “We should tell her; need to tell her… this weekend.” 
Sirius shook his head, but it wasn’t in disagreement. Rather, it was in exasperation.
“I can’t believe she can’t tell how crazy we are about her.” 
And Sirius nearly died a fourth time in one night when you seemingly shot up out of a dead sleep and spun to face them. 
“You’re what?” You asked; no hints of sleep in your tone (nor your wild eyes) as you stared at them incredulously. 
“Fuck.” Sirius repeated eloquently as he and Remus both sat up, the latter leaning over to turn on a lamp causing both you and Sirius to wince as your eyes adjusted.
“I thought you were asleep?” Sirius accused then, but you didn’t take the bait. 
“You’re…what about me?” You whispered carefully.
“Crazy.” Remus responded quickly; whether he was braver than Sirius or opting to rip the bandaid off, Sirius didn’t know. “We’re crazy about you.”
You made a breathy sound, almost as if you were going to ask “what” or “why” or “when” before the question died on your lips. 
Sirius stared at you in wait; he didn’t know whether you were about to cry, whether you were going to demand they let you build a ‘nest’ on the floor so you could escape them, or whether you were going to call your folks and ask them to pick you up.
So when your face broke out into a slow, still disbelieving but equally relieved grin, well…he’d be damned. 
“Yeah?” You asked hopefully, eyes swimming with unshed tears as you nervously looked between the two of them. 
“Yeah…” Sirius let out with a breath, daring to reach across the expanse of the bed that the three of you had clearly decided would be a no-man zone and delighting when you eagerly accepted his hand in yours.
“We thought you were asleep, dove.” Remus offered gently, and a shy smile crept across your face as you shook your head, a lone tear trailing down your cheek that your free hand was quick to wipe away.
“Couldn’t.”
“Why not?” Sirius cooed pathetically, rubbing along your knuckles with his thumb as he took your inability to sleep to be a personal offence. 
“Was too busy thinking about how crazy I am about the two of you, too.” You admitted in a whisper, and Sirius wondered if he had even frozen long enough to share more than a 0.35 second glance with Remus before he bodily launched himself and tackled you to the bed before peppering your face with kisses as you squealed.
“You mean-” kisses “to tell me-” more kisses as you giggled “that we could have been doing this” you squealed as he nipped at your collar bone “this whole sodding time!?” 
“Oi!” Remus chided teasingly. “Don’t maul her!” Though his statement was severely undermined when he all but pulled you into his lap to press his own rough kiss to the side of your face. 
“Oh, I’m just getting started.” Sirius threatened with a beaming smile as you looked at him breathlessly; eyes bright, smile wide, and heart full. “We have lost time to make up for.” 
ʚ ═══·୨ ꕤ ୧·═══ ɞ
Enough was enough, quite frankly. The tiptoeing, the dancing, the shy glances, the longing looks - it was all too much.
Something simply needed to be done.
Was it temerarious? Perhaps. Was it conniving? More than slightly. But was it also necessary? Most definitely.
She only hoped that she hadn’t gone too far, is all.
But any worries that Euphemia Potter may have had vanished entirely the second that her phone buzzed with a text from James the next morning that simply read: it worked.
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alnilaem · 10 months ago
Note
I don't know how much it fits but, keeping with the theme of butcher!simon's neighborhood being a bit dangerous:
where I grew up (rough neighborhood) there were often bars/pubs and even gas stations nearby that operated all afternoon/night and guys often congregated outside smoking cigarettes and what not. they never bothered the residents, but they damn well worked as guard dogs and warded off strangers.
so... idea: simon and his buddies hanging out outside the corner pub when reader is coming/going to her second job in the weekends, watching closely to make sure she makes it from the bus/train stop to the building door, especially after dark.
OR
alternatively!! simon who stays up and checks out of his window when reader is coming home after dark and doesn't let himself go to sleep until he hears her door unlocking and her making some type of sound (like closing her rickety door or whatever).
i dont think you understand….. reading this altered my brain so viscerally. guard dog simon. yeah.
-
“Still got yer balls in her purse?”
Simon lights his cigarette. The soft smoulder of it barely offsets the flickering streetlight above them, scarcely illuminates the sidewalk. It shines over his face, hanging from the threshold of his lips.
“Yup,” he hums. “Right where I want ‘em.”
Johnny cackles through the plume of smoke curling up and out of his lips. He pats Simon on the back, taking a long drag of his cig, and bumps his shoulder with Kyle’s.
“When’d’ya reckon he’ll let us meet the Bird?”
Kyle rolls his eyes. “When he finds someone to pay.”
“Put a sock in it,” Simon snarls. Taps the ash off his cig. 
Photo is a generous word for it. But it was the only thing Simon had to testify to your existence. A blurry, smudgy picture taken on his phone. Half-eclipsed by his thumb which was accidentally in the corner of his camera. A picture of you leaving the lift—a shallow angle of you walking in some leggings, returning from work. 
It was privy to Simon. A likeness to indulge in during his work days. But in a flitting moment, Johnny laid his eyes on it. Read him to filth for it.
And now, they’re here. 
Off-white sheets of rain running off the canopy they’re situated under. Each holding a cigarette to their lips, resting against the wet brick of a hole-in-the-wall pub. The warm hum from inside pooling into the empty streets of Manchester.
A thin sound arises from it. The chime of a shopkeeper’s bell, signifying the door is being opened. Into the diving rain, you step out, clutching a backpack against your shoulder, your uniform sticking to your skin.
It’s a heavy mass of muscle you almost run into. You stop yourself with a hand split against their chest, against the fleetly rise-and-fall of their jacket.
You have to hoist your neck up to see him. It takes you a while to reorient yourself, to recognise the depthless copper of his eyes. And it takes you even longer to register the underside of his face. Bare, flooded under the soft light of streetlights. 
“Simon!” You squeak. The succession of his heartbeat pumping under your palm. Two men hovering behind him, exchanging puckish smirks. “What are you doing here?”
Simon’s eyebrows purse like he’s confused. He tilts his head, looking at you like a puppy, and shrugs. “I’m here to pick you up.”
“Pick me up–” a chord of bemusement strikes you, collapsing your sentence. Your reservations catch up to you, hitting you like bricks. “Pick me up?”
Simon grunts. His eyes flicker down to your skirt, how it flurries in the wind, and pulls you beneath the awning. 
“Getting y’rself all wet under there,” he grumbles. “Brought you this.”
Simon holds up an umbrella. He waits for you to take it before splaying his big hand on the hind of your spine and turning you around, shepherding you forward.
Your voice is warped with bashfulness when you speak. “Where’re we going?”
“Home,” he says. Three pairs of footfall tread on your heels. Each one more intimidating than the other. Sticky and wet as they trail behind you.
“Just keep walking, Trouble,” Simon mumbles. “‘m here.”
It’s a shield that keeps everyone away. The invasive eyes, the creeping men that usually accompany you on your walk home after work. But today, they’re silent. 
The three men are a pack of dogs behind you. 
Simon, kissing the ground before you walk on it.
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cumikering · 9 months ago
Text
Neighbour Ghost x reader
2.6k | fluff, mentions of physical abuse If Simon still had his family (part 2)
Simon Riley just got back to the safe house when he saw it.
Tommy Riley, 2 hours ago, 5 missed calls
It’s mum. Call back.         
His heart thumped as the phone rang. “Mum?” he said as soon as the line connected. ”Are you alright? Did something happen?”
“Oh, Simon…” her voice cracked.
His dad had always been an alcoholic ever since he could remember. He and his younger brother Tommy grew up witnessing his antics: stumbling through the door with slurred shouts in the wee hours of the night, often breaking things in the house, taunting them with the exotic animals he brought on occasions, if he even came home at all.
Mrs. Riley turned the other cheek, making excuses for him. As a child, Simon believed her, that people were short sometimes. Because daddy was tired at work, because mummy didn’t cook dinner right, or forgot to buy his favourite beer… Until he grew up and saw the behaviour as what it was.
But she never left, reassuring him his dad would never lay a hand on her. Simon didn’t trust that bastard of a man, but it was her choice to stay and he could only respect that. It was not his decision to make.
At least if he couldn’t bring her the happiness she deserved, he had to do something to distract himself from the hell at home and divert his aggression. That, and he wanted to help make the world a better place. When he left for the military, he firmly warned Tommy to take care of mum and to be there for her if anything was to happen.
Still, Simon spent his adult life painstakingly watching, waiting for the man’s first misstep so he could eliminate that cancer out of everyone’s life once and for all. The day was finally here. His dad had chased his mum about the house with a knife.
“I- I’ve got nothing but the clothes on my back. I walked barefoot to Tommy’s,” she said between sobs.
“How long has this-“ He stopped himself. It was not the time. He took a deep breath, his hand in a fist, knuckles white. “You’re catching the next train to Hereford,” he growled through gritted teeth. “You’ll stay at my flat until I’m back and we’ll figure things out. Someone from the base will call and help you out.”
“I don’t want to be a bother, Si. I just… I don’t know what to do.”
“You’re never a bother,” he said sternly. “I only go back home on the weekends, just stay there. I need you to be safe, mum. Please.”
In Hereford, on a chilly Tuesday night as you made your way down the hall to your flat, there stood a lady fumbling with the key to her own. On the floor laid bags overflowing with fresh produce. She turned as your footsteps approached.
“Hiya, sweetheart. Terribly sorry, but could you give me a hand please? I can’t seem to get the door.” She was middle aged, greying short hair, soft spoken with a Manchester accent.
 “’Course.” You smiled at her as she moved aside. “Don’t think I’ve seen you here before.” The key only turned halfway before stopping.
“I just got here some days ago.”
You grunted before turning it all the way. “There you go.” You pushed the door open.
“Oh, you’re an angel, luv.“ She thrusted a bag of apples towards you. “It’s not much, but here. Please have these as a thanks.”
“That won’t be necessary, ma’am. It’s nothing really.”
“Please, I insist.” She put her hand on yours. “And it’s Melanie.”
You smiled. “Welcome to the building, Melanie. I’m at the end of the hall if you need me.”
You spent Saturday morning baking, courtesy of Melanie’s delicious gift. Even that you devoured the apples throughout the days, you didn’t want to risk the rest going bad on you – you could only eat so much. As you let the pie cool, you cleaned up before making your way to her flat.
It didn’t take long for the door to open. Your smile fell as you blinked at the man staring down at you. His stature huge, almost filling the doorframe as he stood unmoving.
You cowered, eyes darting away. “Hi, uh, is Melanie in?”
“Melanie?” he repeated, voice gruff and cautious. He leaned his forearm against the frame, appearing even more intimidating than the situation needed him to be. “What does this concern?”
You took a step back. “Just… wanted to give this to her.” You held out the pie towards him.
“Who is it, Si?” a woman from behind him called.
The man stepped aside to reveal the much shorter Melanie.
Her face lit up. “Oh, hello, luv. What a surprise!”
“Thanks for the apples, Melanie. I made you this.” You trudged the pan towards her, shifting your weight.
“Come in, come in. This is my son, Simon.” She turned to the man, patting his arm. “She’s the bird who helped me with the door the other day.”
Still with the sharp stare, he gave you a curt nod before you followed Melanie in, placing the pie on the dining table.
“Lunch is almost ready. Would you care to stay, luv?” She made her way towards the stove and muttered, “I always cook too much.”
You smiled. “I’d love to, sure. It smells lovely.”
You helped set up the table as she finished up the soup and brought it out. Simon got himself a helping and sat across you with Melanie beside the both of you. The blond was a few years older than you, jaw lined with a light stubble, but those brown eyes. They were icy, calculating as he glared at you.
Even that the soup was tasty, you regretted saying yes to it as you ate under his scrutiny. Instead, you averted your gaze to take in the flat. The layout was similar to yours, but quality pieces furnished it instead. The large, dark couch in the corner of the living room looked particularly comfortable, behind it a tall shelf lined with books. It was sparsely decorated, and too tidy to be recently moved into without boxes about.
“Do you know if they’ve got a farmer’s market nearby, luv?”
“I don’t, sorry. I get by going to Tesco.” You gave her a soft laugh. “But I can help you ask around.”
She beamed. “That’d be very nice.”
“I do know a bakery a few blocks away with wonderful loaves though. I always buy there.”
While the both of you chatted about the area, Simon was wordless. In fact, he almost didn’t make a noise at all, but at least he’d stopped staring which allowed you to finally relax your back you didn’t realise had been tense. You thanked her again for lunch, and she promised to return the pie pan as soon as she could.
Later that evening, the knock on the door took you away from your laptop. You expected Melanie, but were instead greeted by Simon. Standing a respectable distance from the doorway, he didn’t look like he was trying to scare you this time even that his gaze was as stony.
“Thanks for the pie. Was mint.”
You couldn’t help but chuckle at his flat tone, taking the pan from him. “I’m glad you liked it.”
He grunted, averting his gaze. “I wanted to thank you, for how nice you’ve been to my mum.” He looked back up at you. “She’s having a bit of a hard time adjusting.”
Your shoulders relaxed. “I understand. It’s not always easy going somewhere new.”
“If you ever need anything, feel free to drop by.” He gave you a half smile before turning away.
The blond Mancunian was the last person you expected at your door on Wednesday night. You’d just taken your coat off as you arrived back from work.
“I got greedy and bought too much takeaway. Would you like to join us for dinner?”
You laughed. “Really? Too much food?”
“I’m not fond of leftovers.” He shrugged, inadvertently emphasising his size.
“Well, I haven’t had dinner yet.”
“Mon’ then.” He tiled his head towards his flat, his hands now shoved in the pockets of his black hoodie.
“Glad you could join us, luv.” Melanie smiled as she set the table.
“Hard to resist takeaway.” You chuckled as you approached. Takeaway boxes almost covered the entirety of the table. “Wow, this is a whole spread.”
“I said the same thing!”
“What can I say, I’m a hungry man,” he said gruffly behind you.
You turned to him in amusement. He gave you a shrug, but this time his eyes didn’t look as hard. In fact, you thought you saw a whisper of a smile on his lips.
Later that Saturday as you lounged around on the couch, you looked up from your book at the knock on the door. It was once again Simon in his hoodie, his posture impressive as always.
“My mum told me to run to the shops because we’re out of salt. Any chance you’ve got some to spare so I don’t have to?”
“Salt? Of course.” You headed to the kitchen, leaving the door open.
His fingertips brushed against yours as you handed him the ceramic container.
“She’s cooking pasta. Fancy some?” He tilted his head towards his flat.
“I shouldn’t.”
“Why not?” He raised an eyebrow.
You gave him an amused smile. “I’m starting to feel like a freeloader.”
“It’s the least we can offer in return of the salt.”
“It’s just salt.”
“We wouldn’t be eating without your salt, if I’m honest.”
The smile remained as you shook your head.
“Come, she’s waiting.”
At the stove, Melanie thanked you for the ‘life-saving’ salt when you should be the one thanking her for her hospitality. By now, you knew where the tableware was and started setting the table, but this time Simon trailed, grabbing glasses and closing the cabinet doors after you.
“It’s brilliant, really,” you said after the first bite of the tomato pasta. “You’re feeding me too well.”  
She smiled proudly. “I’m glad you like it.”
“I’m not a culinary prodigy at all, but please let me return the favour and make the meal next time.”
“Don’t wor-“
“When?” Simon piped up.
“Next weekend sounds good?”
“Can’t do.”
You hummed. “Well, I won’t have enough time to cook anything fancy on weekdays.”
Melanie swatted her hand. “Oh, you really don’t have to, luv.”
“But there’s still tomorrow. How does lunch sound? I’ll do the shopping today.”
“I’ll drive. Need to pick up a few things too.”
You smiled at him and turned to Melanie. “You want to come with?”
She shook her head. “You kids have fun.”
Simon cleaned up while you got ready before leaving in his SUV. In the sun, his eyes were gorgeous glimmers of deep caramel framed by long, blond lashes. He’d pushed his hoodie sleeves up to his elbows, revealing his toned forearms – the left one inked.
It flexed as his hand rested atop the steering wheel at the red light. You could see the details from here – skulls and rifles over fire adorned his pale skin. You wondered how far up the monochrome sleeve extended.
He still hadn’t said anything since he picked you up at your door. At this point, you couldn’t tell if he was awkward or simply didn’t like to talk. You tried your luck anyway.
“How do you find the building so far?”
“No complaints. Been there over a year.”
“Really? I don’t think I’d seen you before actually.”
“I don’t really live there. Just on the weekends, if any.”
“Didn’t Melanie say she just got here weeks ago?”
“She’s visiting.” He turned to you. “I meant it when I said she likes your company.”
You smiled. “She’s real sweet. I hope she enjoys her stay.”
When you arrived, he beat you to the basket at the entrance.
“I’ll get it. On you, luv.”
You got called ‘luv’ all the time, but the way he said it made you look away. You couldn’t ignore the tickle that ran down your spine.
On the way to the produce section, the offer sign caught your eye as you passed the biscuit aisle. You reached for the goldfish crackers you hadn’t had in a while.
“Two goldfish are in a tank…” he started behind you.
You turned to him, a brow raised.
“One looks at the other and says ‘You know how to drive this thing?’”
Nothing prepared you for a joke from him, the brooding man in oversized hoodies who barely spoke. You cackled embarrassingly loud in the empty aisle. It was your first time seeing him actually smile. He had pretty teeth, and his eyes finally thawed, crinkles by them.
“That’s a good one,” you said after your laughter died down, chucking a bag into the basket.
The ghost of a smile remained on his lips as he looked ahead. You took it as a cue to move along. He stood behind you as you moved about and picked ingredients, telling you the reason he couldn’t do next weekend was because he was in the military and would be gone on a mission. You didn’t know it, but his gaze lingered on you the whole time.
Before long, you were ready to check out, grabbing a box of English Breakfast tea on your way there. In the queue, Simon stood a touch closer behind you than he needed to, his arm splayed on the railing next to you. You didn’t make a move against it. Instead you tried to make out the rest of his tattoo, but the way his veins budged under the ink from holding the basket distracted you.
It occurred to you people had joined the line when you heard giggles behind the wall of Simon. You couldn’t help tuning into the rather loud conversation. One of the girls was dared to skydive after losing a round of beer pong, and the instructor was “so fucking hot summer came back to Birmingham”. She very much looked forward to their date the following week.
You bit back a smile. You were oddly proud of the stranger. You go, girl.
Simon tapped your shoulder and leaned into your ear. “Why don’t blind guys skydive?”
You only managed to turn a fraction before coming face to face with him. Your breath hitched, not expecting the proximity.
“Because it scares the shit out of their dogs.”
Your laughter boomed before you slapped a hand over your mouth and turning to him fully. His warm eyes returned with his smile, looking absolutely pleased with himself.
The eye contact remained a touch longer, only broken by the cashier calling for the next customer. You whipped towards the lady, gaze cast down as Simon hoisted the basket onto the counter.
He didn’t give you a chance to pay as he already had his phone ready at the receiver, shrugging off your protests. You didn’t mention the fact that he didn’t even pick up anything for himself.
It wasn’t a lot, but Simon carried all the shopping up to your flat. You gathered the bags from him after you opened the door.
You pulled a box of salt from one of them. “Here’s for your mum.”
He quickly took it and looked away.
“Thanks again for the ride. See you tomorrow, yeah?”
He nodded, but stood unmoving. His boots only thudded away when you’ve locked the door.
Masterlist
@tiredmetalenthusiast @shadofireshinobi @keegansshark @two-gh0sts @rowanyaboats
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museanddream · 3 months ago
Text
One Night - part 1 || Ona Batlle x Lucy Bronze x Reader
Tumblr media Tumblr media
Summary: When you complete a dream transfer to Barcelona, there’s only one problem - you have to learn to coexist with your ex-hookup and her new girlfriend.
Warnings: 🔞 | no actual smut in this chapter but contains references to sex and this is just setup for several parts of pure filth
Word count: 5.4k
It takes you all of about ten seconds on your first day at Barcelona to realise that Ona Batlle and Lucy Bronze are dating.
Strangely, it’s not Lucy who gives it away, but instead the young Spaniard.
You don’t actually know Ona beyond the distant professionalism of two people who have played against each other a handful of times over the years. Lucy, however, is somebody you’re more than acquainted with. Intimately so.
You started sleeping with Lucy a few years ago, during her first spell at City. Lucy was charming, hot and available and you were … well, you were young and horny. It was a mutually convenient agreement until she moved to France and you to Germany, when it became obvious within just a few months that a casual situationship was much harder to nurture when you lived in different countries. That’s when it fell apart, heated words fired from both sides then radio silence as if you’d never even known each other.
You knew you’d have to face up to your past when you signed for Barcelona. Lucy’s been here for a year already, but you don’t say no to a club like Barça, not even when you’ve got history with one of their star defenders.
All you can do when you show up for your first day is hope that you’ve both matured enough to be professional about it.
“I’d heard a rumour you might be coming here.”
Of course you find yourself alone with her in the dressing room pretty much straight away, fresh out of your signing photoshoot. The soft fabric of the blaugrana Barcelona kit feels good against your skin, but you feel anything but comfortable alone with Lucy.
“Back on the same team, huh?” you reply stiffly. “Who’d have thought it?”
“The best team,” Lucy brags.
You’re saved from having to make any more awkward smalltalk with Lucy as the door to the dressing room clatters open.
“Lucy, you left your trainers in the-”
The newcomer, Ona Batlle, stops mid sentence when she notices you, forgetting whatever she was saying so that she can instead greet you with a dazzling smile that knocks the air out of your lungs.
She’s pretty. You’re sure that you must have already known this, you just haven’t had time to properly appreciate it, not when you were playing against her and focused on other things.
“Hi. I’m Ona,” she greets you, letting you introduce yourself in return before she turns her attention back to Lucy. “You left these in the gym. If I’d known I’d be tidying up after you, I’d have stayed in Manchester.”
And that’s when you realise that there’s more to the relationship between Ona and Lucy than just being new teammates. It’s a mixture of things that gives it away, the affectionate tone of Ona’s voice, the familiarity with which she teases Lucy, but mostly the look of absolute adoration in Ona’s eyes as Lucy takes the shoes off her. It’s a look that you recognise, because there was once a time when you probably looked at Lucy with that same expression.
If there was any doubt in your mind, what Ona says next is the final nail in the coffin.
“We should stop for groceries on the way home by the way,” Ona says to Lucy. “We don’t have anything for dinner.”
Home. So it’s serious enough that they’re living together, she’s not just another one of Lucy’s flings.
You were never that serious with Lucy. Aside from occasionally carpooling to training the next day if one of you accidentally fell asleep at the other’s post-hookup, you never reached this level of domesticity.
Lucy mumbles something in agreement, tucking her trainers into the cubby behind her, and soon enough Ona is gone as quickly as she arrived.
Left alone with Lucy again, the atmosphere somehow even more tense than before, the first thing that spills from your lips before you have time to think twice is a joke.
“Bit young for you, isn’t she Luce?”
“I don’t know what you…” Lucy trails off and sighs, probably realising that there’s no point trying to deny anything when you’re going to be sharing a dressing room with her and her new beau and will inevitably learn the truth anyway. “Look, I really like her, okay? It’s real.”
You ignore the heavy implications of Lucy’s words, that what she shared with you all those years ago wasn’t real, for the sake of the harmony of the team you’ve just joined.
“I’m happy for you,” you tell Lucy, not entirely untruthful. You never thought that Lucy would be partnered up when you joined Barcelona, but you definitely didn’t expect any of your old history to be reignited either. It’s been long enough that Lucy is just another teammate, someone you can learn to get along with.
You do get along with Lucy, in a kind of amicable yet emotionless way that almost feels like you’ve never played on the same team before, let alone slept together on and off for over a year in your early twenties. It’s purely professional, cordial without getting too close to friendly.
You’re relieved, of course. The last time you encountered Lucy was an international match a couple of years ago, an evening which started with heavy tackles and the two of you earning a yellow card apiece on the pitch and ended with Lucy on her knees between your legs in an empty medical room after the game. It was the last time you saw Lucy, the last time you slept with her, the last time you even spoke to her until you moved to Barcelona.
So you’re glad that you can get along with her, even if you’re still trying to wrap your head around how normal it is to be teammates again after everything.
But somebody you really start to get along with is Ona.
It turns out you have more in common with Ona than just being new signings and finding Lucy Bronze attractive. You bond quickly at training and soon you’re hanging out outside of the training ground, grabbing coffee a couple of times a week and letting Ona show you around the city that has become your new home. Lucy gets invited along once or twice but always manages to find an excuse not to join you - whether Ona knows about your history with Lucy isn’t clear to you and you decide it’s not your place to be the one to tell her.
And that’s how you become good friends with your ex-hookup’s new girlfriend.
You quickly realise exactly what Lucy sees in Ona.
She’s got a personality that matches the Barcelona sunshine, a smile that would charm anybody, and eyes that are so big and perfect you’re not entirely convinced that she wasn’t hand-drawn by a cartoonist.
It’s not a crush, you tell yourself. That would be inappropriate in all sorts of ways. It’s just an appreciation.
One that only grows as the season progresses.
Ona does your hair before a game, putting it into a braid that matches her own, and it quickly becomes a pre-match tradition. You sit on the floor between Ona’s legs while her deft fingers work your scalp and pull strands of hair this way and that and can you really be blamed for the direction your traitorous thoughts threaten to move, especially not when Ona was standing beside you in nothing but a tiny pair of shorts and a sports bra mere moments ago? Now you’re thinking about her abs and her fingers.
She taps your shoulder when she’s done, letting you know that you can stand up, and you make eye contact with Lucy across the dressing room as you get to your feet. Her gaze is intense, not jealous or angry that you’ve become so close to her girlfriend, but there’s something in those familiar eyes that you just can’t place.
Focused on the match ahead, you store that information in the back of your mind for later, but end up forgetting about it altogether.
There’s some kind of mix-up in communication that means that Lucy has joined you for one of your usual outings for coffee with Ona. You try to excuse your way out of it, claiming that you don’t want to third-wheel their date, but Ona is too nice and jokes that it’s actually Lucy who is the third wheel, before saying that you can’t back out now.
So that’s how you end up sitting at a table on a terrace outside a quaint little cafe with Lucy. Ona goes inside, having insisted that she’ll buy the coffees, despite your protests that she paid last time and it’s your turn.
“You’ve got a good one there, Luce.”
Lucy grins across at you.
“I know. Always had good taste in women, me.”
It’s … flirty? At least it feels borderline flirtatious, considering your past with Lucy. Then again, Lucy’s always been a little flirty, she just didn’t have a girlfriend the last time she turned her charm on with you all those years ago.
“I just mean, don’t fuck it up with her, that’s all,” you tell Lucy, rolling your eyes.
“You mean like I did with you?”
It’s the first time in the three months since you joined Barcelona that either of you have openly acknowledged what you used to have and you don’t really know how to react. Your policy since joining Barcelona has been to pretend that you and Lucy were never a thing. That’s a lot harder to do when Lucy is reminding you that you were.
“It wasn’t just you who fucked it up,” you reply, avoiding eye contact with Lucy out of fear that looking at her might bring up old attraction. “Anyway, that was different, it wasn’t like what you have with Ona.”
Lucy hums, then says, “Maybe it could’ve been the same. If we hadn’t been so dumb and immature.”
There’s much less room to misinterpret Lucy’s words this time. Here is Lucy, pretty much admitting that she wishes things had gotten more serious with you when she had the chance, while her actual girlfriend, the same person who has been nothing but welcoming and an all round great friend to you since you joined Barcelona, is at the counter inside the coffee shop.
“We were around the same age as Ona when it started,” you point out, hoping that the mention of her girlfriend will snap Lucy back into a reality where she doesn’t feel the need to reminisce over your past.
“Ona…” Lucy glances at Ona through the coffee shop window and her expression softens. “Ona’s got a wise head on her. Plus she’s a hopeless romantic. She’s been all-in since the start. Probably knocked a bit of sense into me too, along the way.”
They’re disgustingly in love with each other and it’s enough to squash any butterflies in your own stomach.
“Like I said, I’m glad you’ve found each other.”
The conversation finishes there as Ona returns with the coffees, setting the tray on the table carefully and passing the drinks around.
“Thanks, Ona. You know, I might steal you away from Lucy if you keep fuelling my caffeine addiction like this.”
You say it as if having a little flirt with Ona somehow makes up for whatever traitorous thoughts you were having about Lucy before Ona returned to the table, but at least the smile that spreads across Ona’s face at your words is enough to smother some of your guilt.
“It’s good to keep Lucy on her toes,” Ona says, raising her eyebrows at you like she’s letting you in on an inside joke. “And she’s always saying how much she likes a competition.”
Lucy stirs her own coffee, then sets her spoon down as she leans back casually in her chair as if completely unbothered by the thought of having to fight you for Ona’s attention.
“Yeah,” she says with a shrug. “And I always win.”
You’ve always liked away games. Especially now, in a new league. New teams to play against, new cities to visit. And you quickly get used to the expectations that Barça has for its players on away trips.
The main one is the rooming rules. Couples don’t share, you learn that quickly, and also notice that everybody seems to accept that rule. You’ve been on teams before where that’s been an official rule, but teammates have made arrangements between themselves to trade with each other to share with their partner instead. That’s not the case at Barcelona.
The other thing is that while there are some players who mostly seem to always share with each other, there seems to be a deliberate effort to rotate room pairings for the newer signings as they integrate with their new teammates. You’re with Esmee for the first trip, which is a relief to you both as neither of you speaks a word of Spanish yet, then with Ingrid who is just as friendly, having been a new signing herself only a couple of years ago.
You never share with Lucy. Part of you wonders if she’s put in a deliberate request to whoever organises the hotels that sharing with you is just as off-limits to her as sharing with Ona would be, but you’re grateful for it. Though it’s no longer as weird between you, sharing a room with her seems like a step too far right now.
It takes four months at Barça before you room with Ona for the first time, for two nights on a Champions League away fixture in Sweden. The first night is quiet and focused, you talk through some of the tactics from the earlier training session together before getting an early night.
But the second night, after winning the game, there’s a knock on the door when you’re getting ready for bed.
You probably shouldn’t be surprised when you open the door and find Lucy standing outside, given that she’s your roommate’s girlfriend, but you forget that for a moment until Lucy speaks.
“Hey. Is Ona here? Just wanted to say goodnight.”
You blink yourself out of your surprise, then gesture at the closed door to the en-suite bathroom.
“She’s just in there.”
“Can I wait?” Lucy asks.
You hesitate for just a moment, then step aside to let her in.
“Sure.”
Lucy enters the room and you close the door behind her. When you turn around, she’s taken a seat on the end of your bed.
“Uh, that‘s Ona’s bed,” you tell her, pointing at the other bed.
“Oh. Shit, sorry.”
Lucy moves to the other bed, but still sits on it just as awkwardly as she sat on yours. Though it’s mostly normal between you and Lucy these days, when it’s just the two of you, you sometimes remember the way things used to be.
And then you remember that it’s not like that anymore.
“Remember when we used to sneak into each other’s rooms at City?” Lucy asks, with a low chuckle. Apparently she’s reminiscing over the past too.
You glance towards the bathroom, wondering if Lucy is really trying to remind you of the late night trysts you used to have at away games while her actual girlfriend is on the other side of the door.
“Is that your way of hinting at me to piss off and leave you alone with your girlfriend?” you ask her drily, arching an eyebrow as you plug your phone in to charge on the nightstand.
“Nah, it’s against the rules, innit.”
“It was against the rules at City too,” you remind her.
“Yeah, but that’s what made it exciting.” Lucy’s green eyes are alight with mischief, and your stomach does a little flip as you remember the thrill of trying to hook up with Lucy at any available moment without getting caught by teammates or coaches.
And then you feel guilty. Because this is another conversation with Lucy that borders on flirtatious, another split second where you forget she’s in a relationship and are transported right back to when she used to want you.
Luckily, or perhaps unluckily, the bathroom lock clicks and the door swings open. Something shifts in the air between you and Lucy as Ona steps out, hair falling in pretty waves over her shoulders. Her brown eyes light up with pure joy and adoration when she spots Lucy sitting on her bed.
“You’re not supposed to be in here,” Ona teases Lucy.
“I’m not staying,” replies Lucy. “Just wanted to drop by and say goodnight.”
An uneasy feeling settles in your stomach and you’re not sure if it’s because they’re so horribly in love with each other that it’s making you nauseous, or if it’s a lingering guilt that Ona has no idea you and Lucy were just talking about your heated past. Either way, you feel like you’re intruding on something you shouldn’t be here for, making a mumbled excuse about giving them a moment and take yourself into the bathroom.
It’s only when the door is locked behind you that you realise you’re now trapped in the bathroom, while they’re saying goodnight to each other in god knows what sort of way.
You press your ear to the door, then jerk away as if the wood is scalding hot when you realise what you’re doing. If they’re talking, it’s not your place to eavesdrop. And if they’re doing anything else…
Your cheeks burn hot at the idea. Surely they wouldn’t? Not while you’re in the bathroom. But they had been so enamoured by each other that you’re not even sure if they noticed you slip away.
You think back to your situationship with Lucy all those years ago. She always had an incredible knack for getting you naked in record time and somehow, you really doubt that she’s lost any of that charm since then.
What if they get carried away with their goodnight wishes and you’re stuck in here all night?
You don’t know how long you’re left wallowing in your own anguish in the bathroom, it could be anywhere from three minutes to three days, but eventually there’s a knock on the door, which is followed by Ona calling your name. You flick the lock then open the door, relieved to find Ona still fully dressed in her pyjamas and now alone in the room again.
“You okay?” she asks. “You were quiet in there. Not that I was listening! Just that you were in there a while and … and I didn’t hear the toilet flush or anything.”
Ona is exceptionally cute when she’s flustered.
“I just didn’t want to get in you and Lucy’s way.”
For just a second, Ona looks like she wants to say something, but she holds it back and the moment passes. Soon you’re each lying in your own bed, the lights off as you settle down for the night.
Sleep feels a whole universe away. Maybe you’re imagining it, but you think you can still smell Lucy‘s perfume lingering in the room. The air somehow feels even thicker than it did when Lucy was here. You can hear every movement from the other side of the room, every shift of the bedsheets, every breath that Ona takes, like it’s being amplified through a speaker.
“I know about you and Lucy.” Ona’s low voice eventually penetrates the darkness. “What you used to have. Lucy told me a while ago.”
That’s - well, it’s not what you’re expecting her to suddenly admit. You’re grateful that the lights are off, saving you from having to twist your expression into something neutral.
“It didn’t mean anything. It was just a bit of fun. It was never anything serious.”
You hear Ona’s chuckle rise up from the other bed.
“I know. She told me everything. I’m not jealous. That was way before I knew either of you. Anyway, it makes sense.”
“It does?” you ask.
“Yeah. I like you both. Makes sense you’d like each other too.” There’s a pause, then she adds, “Also you’re both hot.”
Not for the first time, you wonder if everything that’s happened since you joined Barcelona has been some kind of bizarre dream, because there’s no version of normal that includes your ex-hookup’s new girlfriend implying she thinks you’re attractive in the middle of the night on an away trip.
You don’t really know how you’re supposed to reply.
“Uh, thanks.”
Ona continues, “I’m telling you I know just because I’ve noticed you’re a bit weird around Lucy sometimes, so I just want you to know it’s fine with me if you two want to hang out.”
You wonder if Ona would still be fine with it if she knew that you and Lucy have almost flirted with each other twice now. Your cheeks heat up at the thought and you’re glad for the darkness that hides your flush from Ona.
“Maybe we could all hang out together sometime?” Ona suggests, oblivious to your turmoil.
“Oh, I don’t know if…”
“We could have a movie night,” Ona suggests, ignoring your attempts at declining the offer. “At our place. It’d be fun!”
It’s such a typically Ona suggestion. Because Ona is sweet and kind and of course she wants to do everything she can to make sure that her friend gets along with her girlfriend without any awkwardness. There’s not a bone in Ona’s body that would even consider the possibility of being jealous of the fact that you and Lucy used to sleep with each other.
And so in that moment, staring up at the ceiling in a hotel room in Sweden, you vow to never let yourself have a private conversation with Lucy again that’s about anything other than football, to never let Lucy flirt with you or the idea of flirting with Lucy back cross your mind, and to definitely never reminisce about Lucy when your hand is between your legs.
You don’t manage to talk your way out of going to Ona’s planned movie night, though if you’re completely honest, you don’t try too hard.
When you arrive at their apartment, it’s Lucy who opens the door and you have a brief moment of panic that she doesn’t actually want you here. But you’re quickly reassured by the way she steps aside to let you in and greets you with a mumbled “Alright?”
“Nice place you’ve got here,” you comment to fill the silence, as Lucy leads you through the apartment to the living room.
“Thanks.”
You sit down in the single armchair, leaving the couch for Lucy and Ona to share. There’s no sign of Ona yet and Lucy doesn’t sit down, instead hovering awkwardly by the door, glancing over her shoulder every two seconds as if looking to see if Ona is joining you.
“I know this was Ona’s idea but if it’s weird I can just go,” you pipe up, wondering if it’s really that awful for Lucy to be alone with you that she needs her girlfriend as a buffer.
“No,” Lucy says decisively. “It was both our ideas. You wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want you too.”
Finally, to the relief of both of you, you hear bare feet pattering down the hallway from one of the other rooms and Ona appears in the doorway. She smiles warmly at Lucy, brushing her fingers against Lucy’s hand as she passes in a gesture that feels far too intimate for you to witness, then grins at you.
“Hi! You came!”
Ona sounds genuinely surprised, like she half-expected you to not turn up, and maybe you haven’t been as good as you thought you were at pretending your relationship with Lucy is one between two normal teammates if Ona was worried that you might bail on a movie night just because Lucy would be there too.
“Of course,” you say, as you try to relax back in your armchair as Lucy and Ona sit down at opposite ends of the sofa. “So, have you already picked out a movie?”
“A movie?” Lucy asks. Confusion briefly flashes across her face, but then it settles into realisation as she turns to Ona and repeats, “A movie.”
A tiny smirk graces Ona’s lips as she shrugs and says, “What? You told me to get her here. You didn’t say how.”
Lucy seems equal parts annoyed and amused - about what you’re not exactly sure - as she says, “I thought you’d do some of the explaining instead of leaving it all to me.”
It’s your turn to be confused.
“So we’re not watching a movie then?” you ask slowly, your eyes flitting between the two of them as you wait for an answer.
Silence hangs between the three of you, Lucy and Ona apparently both waiting for the other to say something, before Lucy rolls her eyes and takes control.
“Listen, here’s the deal,” she starts to explain, leaning forwards slightly in her seat. “I told Ona about our past as soon as you signed for Barça and she found it pretty amusing. Soon she was asking more questions about … well, about you and us, I’m sure you get the picture.”
Still trying to figure out what this has got to do with a movie night, you say, “I don’t think I do.”
Lucy lets out a groan.
“Jesus, am I gonna have to spell it out? She wanted to know what it was like to ‘be with you’ -” Lucy throws up some exaggerated air quotes with her hands, rolling her eyes again along with her words. “So I told her. Well, actually I told her that if she wanted to know what it was like then she should just sleep with you herself. Was joking, of course, but it turns out Ona’s really into that idea, actually.”
Your eyes flicker across to Ona, whose cheeks are tinged a pretty shade of pink and eyes are wide with a mixture of worry and expectation as she waits for your response.
Turning back to Lucy, you ask, “So you’ve invited me over to fuck your girlfriend?”
Lucy nods.
“Well, both of us, if you’re up for it. We figured you and me already had that chemistry and I know you fancy Ona, judging by how often I see you checking her out in the dressing room.”
Your mouth falls open, embarrassed that your staring has been noticed, ready to protest, but they’re both looking at you with more amusement than annoyance.
“Anyway, that’s us,” Lucy finishes. “Ball’s in your court.”
Two pairs of eyes watch you, waiting for your reaction. Lucy almost seems indifferent, settling back in her seat casually as if trying to play it cool, which almost has you wondering if you’ve imagined her just propositioning you for a threesome, if not for the way that one of her fingers taps nervously against her thigh. Ona, on the other hand, looks at you with eyes that are wide and vulnerable, as if the prospect of you turning them down might shatter her heart.
The pieces start to fit together - the tour of cute Barcelona coffee shops from Ona, the occasional flirtatious comments from Lucy. To know that they both want you is flattering. To know that they’ve been talking about this, planning how to get you into their home and their bed, is something that your mind struggles to comprehend.
“It doesn’t have to be tonight,” Ona eventually says. “If you need time to think about it?”
“No, let’s do it.”
Your words are decisive. If you give yourself too long to think about it, you’ll talk yourself out of it and you can’t deny that this is something you want. Maybe you hadn’t imagined that it would end up happening like this, with both of them, but you’ve definitely thought about them. Lucy, and the things she used to do to you, the spark you used to have that still makes the occasional appearance when you least expect it. Ona, and the way her hands feel in your hair when she braids it before a game, the way your stomach churns with butterflies whenever she smiles at you and those perfect eyes look into yours.
To have both of them at the same time is beyond your wildest fantasies.
“Go on,” Lucy says to Ona. “I know you’ve been dying to kiss her for months.”
Your heart rate picks up.
“Yeah?”
Ona counters this by shaking her head.
“Not months. Lucy’s exaggerating.”
“I’m not. She talks about you all the time. About what it’d be like to kiss you, to have you in our bed. And I told her if she was that desperate, she should just go for it. I know you like the direct approach, it worked for me all them years ago. But no. No, Ona wanted to seduce you. Why do you think she’s been taking you on all those coffee dates? She’s been trying to woo you.”
Your ego swells with the knowledge that Ona, beautiful and kind and funny as she is, who has already pretty much hit the relationship jackpot by bagging herself Lucy, has apparently spent months plotting her pursuit of you.
Not that you had any idea. Ona has always strayed onto the affectionate side of friendship whenever you’ve hung out with her. Maybe if she’d been single, you might have picked up on some clues, but you’ve known about her relationship with Lucy since you joined the team and never had any reason to think that Ona’s familiarity with you was down to anything else but the fact that she’s simply Spanish.
You explain this to them.
“I thought she was just being nice.”
Lucy chuckles to herself at this, then says, “Course you did. Sweet little Ona, welcoming you to Barça. Just wait until you find out Little Miss Perfect isn’t so innocent after all.”
If you weren’t already interested, Lucy’s words fill you with intrigue.
“Come here,” you instruct Ona.
Ona glances at Lucy, as if asking for her permission, and Lucy responds by rolling her eyes and clicking her tongue against the roof of her mouth.
“Don’t get shy on us now as if this wasn’t your idea in the first place.”
Ona’s cheeks are pink but she pushes up to her feet and crosses over to you. She stops awkwardly in front of you, scratching at a hangnail on her thumb until you reach for her hand and pull her closer, leaving her very little choice but to clamber into your lap.
“You’ve been planning this, huh?” you murmur to her, as if you’re the only two in the room. Your hands find her hips as she settles with a leg on either side of your thighs. “What, Lucy wasn’t enough for you?”
“She is,” Ona says. “But…”
Ona trails off, teeth chewing into her lower lip.
“But what?” You prompt her.
There’s a brief moment where time seems to stand still, except for the visible rise and fall of Ona’s chest as she breathes, then she answers, “But I wanted you too.”
Hearing Ona vocalise her desire for you gives you a rush that comes second only to scoring a goal in a cup final.
It makes you giddy. And you really don’t want to fuck it up, which is why you take a few deep breaths in time with the strokes of your hands up and down Ona’s thighs as you compose yourself before you speak again.
“All those times you took me out for coffee, all the times you translated for me in training or did my hair before a game, you were thinking about this, weren’t you? About having my hands on your body.” You lean closer until your foreheads rest against each other, hot breath mingling in the almost nonexistent gap between your mouths, then whisper, “My lips against your skin.”
Ona tilts her chin up slightly, trying to tempt you into finally closing the gap. When you don’t, she resorts to begging.
“Please.”
“What do you want?” You want to coax it out of her, committing every part of this moment to memory. “Tell me.”
“Kiss me.”
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enwoso · 3 months ago
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i have a request for awfc x teen reader
basically reader is quite a shy and anxious person who hates getting in trouble so they never speak up and always do as they’re told, even if it negatively impacts impacts them in some way e.g. helping clear up at the end of training even if it means they miss their bus home and have to walk. r also doesn’t talk much and therefore hasn’t made any friends on the team as they’re so shy. one of the older players (maybe kim or viv?) notice this and take reader under their wing to try and bring them out of their shell. basically just a very cute fluffy fic
YOUR NOT ALONE — arsenal wfc
i feel like this doesn’t really flow the way i wanted it to so soz if it’s choppy but enjoy!
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masterlist
north london was were you lived, but it wasn’t home. home was in the north, nearly four hours away from london in manchester. that was home.
not london where you didn’t know anyone, where you were all alone at a new team.
and it wasn’t that you disliked north london, the people were actually quite nice and some days it was actually a lot warmer than living in the north. but nothing compared to being home in manchester. where your friends were, your family, your childhood club.
you in some way felt like you had been abandoned, you’d been let to go by man city your childhood club. a club you thought you’d be at until you retired but they didn’t even fight for you when arsenal put the deal in, they let you go as if you meant nothing to the club.
meaning when your first day at arsenal came around, you closed yourself off to everyone. you were already a pretty shy person to begin with but now trying to talk to you was like trying to draw blood out of a stone — impossible.
you kept yourself to yourself, and made sure you stayed out of trouble. helping the coaches tidy up after training even though it meant you missed the last bus that went past your apartment which would mean you would have to do the thirty minute walk back.
you would stay and watch were you could improve your game even though it meant you were pushing your self far too hard and then getting frustrated when you didn’t see the progress you wanted to see.
the team had began to notice your behaviour and had tried their best to involve you in everything possible but you were having none of it.
the most any of the girls had heard you talk was a light hum just acknowledge the person so it didn’t seem like you were being rude.
“we need y/n to be fully apart of the team as i think she feels like she is still and outsider” kim said thinking out loud as they watched you help the coaches pack up for the evening. picking up the coloured cones as you hummed on to whatever the coach was saying. you weren’t much of a talker.
“does she always do that?” leah asked as she looked towards kim and beth who nodded.
“she always offers, just like she always offers to fill everyone’s waters and other little things around the facility’s it’s like she does it just so she can avoid us” beth raised her eyebrows as the three took another glance over to you.
“i’ve tried just talking to her but she not really full of words” kim sighs as leah nods she had tried too along with a few others but nobody could seem to get more than a hum or a small smile out of you.
“she’s just a kid, it’s gotta be hard for her getting let go by her childhood club like she meant nothing and then to be in a place miles from her family, it’s natural that she’s not gonna be comfortable around us” viv butted in after hearing the trio talk about you, a few sympathetic nods being done from the three.
viv had been amongst those who had tried to talk to you, she hadn’t gotten many words from you but instead of asking the usual questions of how you finding london which made you want to scream every single time someone asked you as you had run out of ways to lie and say you were loving it.
instead viv asked about you wanting to know you on a personal level not just on the outside and what would be the obvious to ask.
“like leah cmon imagine how heartbroken you’d be if arsenal let you go after being here for so many years-“ viv pointed out as leah hummed feeling her heart pang a little. her blood was arsenal and she doesn’t think her heart would be able to handle if she was playing for another team.
“okay first of don’t put that in the open, but i can’t even begin to imagine what she’s feeling” a sad smile rushed over leah’s features as viv nodded.
“exactly”
“why don’t you take her under your wing vivvy, she’s said in countless interviews that she looks up to you. so i’m sure if there’s anyone who would be able to crack her shell it would be you-“ beth put the idea into the open, now viv wasn’t opposed to the idea but she also didn’t want to overwhelm you cause that could push you further from the team.
“i’ll try”
the next day had came and gone, viv had been watching you throughout the day trying to pick the best time to chat to you but a good time never seem to come around. viv telling herself tomorrow she would do it
viv had stayed late to chat with the physio about her knee, the rest of the team long gone as training had finished already. well so she thought.
“hey kleintje what you doing here so late? training finished an hour ago?” viv asked as you looked up from your phone, you were watching your few minutes from the last match you played. analysing each pass, each touch, each movement to see what you could work on next.
“missed my bus” you mumbled very quietly viv almost missed what you said. viv nodded to herself as she took a seat next to you on the bench peering over slightly at what you were concentrating so hard on.
“that’s a stupid thing to do” viv blurted out, immediately regretting it when your head snapped up with a puzzled look on your face, a frown flashing across your lips.
“well cause all you doing is focusing on the negatives” viv shrugged as you still held the same look on your face, “like don’t get me wrong it’s helpful but i bet you, you have twice as many negatives in your head than positive things you did in the match” viv continued as you slowly nodded, she wasn’t exactly wrong.
“but how will i know how to get better if i don’t focus on what needs to be improved?” you asked quietly, your phone falling into your lap. viv was a little shocked, not by the question but by the fact that you hadn’t just hummed at her.
“cause you end up focusing on trying to get the bad better that the what was good starts to get bad and you enter a cycle that you can’t get out of” viv explains as you do your signature hum, you weren’t just thinking about football now.
you were thinking about how your life had changed in the past months and how much you had focused on the bad and never gave it a second thought about what was good.
“so your saying i should focus on the positives?” you trailed off staring into the distance in front of you as viv nodded, not that you saw it.
“yeah, your not alone y/n. we’re a team. we’re here to help you” viv pointed out, “and that’s not just with your football skills either” she lightly bumped your shoulder with hers a smile tugged at your lips nodding alone to what viv was telling you.
“thanks viv” you smiled sincerely, you felt as though your eyes had really been opened and you hadn’t have your self a chance at your new chapter, you hadn’t gave london a chance yet.
“no problem kleintje, now come on let’s get you home. it’s getting late”
it had been a few weeks since the conversation between kim, leah, beth and viv and progress had definitely been made. viv had managed to take you under her wing, showing you the ropes introducing you slowly to others so that it didn’t overwhelm you.
you had started to come out your shell more, you didn’t sit by yourself anymore at lunch or on the bus.
instead you’d found yourself sitting steph and kyra for lunch as you discussed your dream holiday of one day going to australia as they gave you recommendations as well as promising that when you do finally go they will happily be your tour guides.
and on the bus during away day you’d found yourself sitting with lotte quite a few times, the way she spoke was similar to viv it was wise words and someone you could listen to for a while as well as lotte being able to sit and listen to you and give you good advice if you truly needed it.
it was game day today, as you walked into the ground with viv. having gotten a ride from viv and beth to save you from having to get the bus. beth had spotted steph and leah in front, running off towards them.
“so do you think london could start to be home?” viv asked, her heart beating a little harder as she asked the question. the topic of london being your home still being very raw.
“it’s becoming home, it’s not quite there yet-“ you paused as some worry came over viv as she began to stutter.
“-but i think it will be home” you finished with a smile as you looked up at viv a sigh of relief coming over her as she swung her arm around your shoulder pulling you in a little tighter for a side hug.
“kleintje you had me worried for a minute but i’m glad your starting to feel more comfortable here, just remember your not alone. we’re a team for a reason” viv nudged you as you nodded taking in every word viv told you as you walked into the stadium.
“got it”
“anyways are you excited about your first start? imagine you score-“ viv said with a hopeful look as you slightly shook your head. you were happy about the start but scoring wasn’t the main focus of today. you were just happy to be getting minutes instead of the scrappy ten final minutes you were used to at the moment.
“excited, nervous? the goal won’t happen though so don’t get you hopes up” you dismissed as viv rolled her eyes playfully opening a door for you to go through.
“gotta have the belief kleintje!”
and maybe somewhere you had some belief cause that’s exactly what happened. you scored your first goal for arsenal, when the ball hit the net you froze. you were expecting for it to go over but when it didn’t you didn’t know what to do.
reality was brought back to you when you were surrounded by your teammates who were lifting you up in a circle as the crowd cheered. a big smile on your face as you looked around spotting vividly on the bench and sending her a knowing look as you tapped the your chest where the arsenal badge was. viv giving you a knowing nod that she understood.
your teammates lifted you down back onto the ground as they all patted you on the back or the head as you soaked up the moment a little longer walking back to your starting position.
“we’re so proud of you, our superstar!”
“get in y/n”
looking around and seeing the fans chanting and having a good time it felt for the first time since you made the big move you felt like you weren’t alone, these people that you were lucky enough to call your teammates and friends were your new family.
and maybe just maybe arsenal and north london was your new home and you weren’t mad at the idea.
in fact you loved the idea.
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yourusername forever grateful for my found family❤️🤍
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viviannemiedema we love you kleintje!!
leahwilliamson our superstar ⭐️
kyracooneycross yeahhh for our very own 🌟
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peachesofteal · 5 months ago
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Sometimes I think about Dr. Riley sitting in his office, fidgeting with a pen staring out of the window, waiting for something... someone. There's a storm coming.
I still think about Dr Riley.
I think about him having a very inappropriate relationship with his patient, Clover. Clover who got her nickname because her special ops team thought she was sooo lucky… until she wasn’t. Until she made a mistake, miscalculated, and got two of her teammates killed. Clover, who had to look Captain Garrick in the eyes as he told her to take indefinite leave until she got her head on straight.
Clover can’t think or eat or sleep without hear the high pitch whine of a drone in her ear. Public places make her skin crawl. She can hardly function. Manages to feed herself and slink down to her building’s gym in the middle of the night, when no one else is there. She runs herself ragged, to the point of exhaustion, and only then can she manage sleep.
The train is late.
The tardiness makes everyone on the platform uneasy. They shift and grimace, fingers fidgeting, eyes roaming.
It’s grey down here. Grey up there, too. A city blanketed in rain, thick cottony fog obscuring streets and buildings, rolling through day, washing it into night without giving the sun it’s singular chance.
It’s grey everywhere. Grey in your bones, in your head. Grey cotton stuffed between your ears to stop the bleeding.
You try to let the anxieties of the delay drift past you, like a warm breeze, but it feels like a winter’s wind instead. Icy. Vicious. Cutting to the bone.
You’re a dog at the end of a chain. Ready. Waiting for the signal. Captain’s orders.
Relax. You’re at home. Waiting for the call. Going to finish therapy, so you can finally get out of here.
The yellow line of the boundary lays straight in front of you. You count the cracks in the concrete and wonder what would happen if you took a step off the edge.
Just one.
A single step.
Would these people try to save you? Would they scream and run? Would they watch you die, body exploded into bits by a train that couldn’t stop? How long would it take you ID you? Who would they call?
It’s not that you want to die. You’re more… curious about it now. Morbidly so. Wondering when it will happen, if death is following you around, waiting to collect his due.
You steady with a long breath, attention focused on the wall across the tracks, counting each tile. Your eyes are still sharp, as sharp as ever, and you focus in on each one individually, judging the distance, imagining a scope in your line of sight, smooth trigger under your finger.
There’s a collective sigh across the platform when the train squeaks to a halt, and you intentionally board last, watching the backs and profiles of everyone else. Back packs, long jackets, anxious faces are all catalogued and sorted, filtered and stacked into neat little piles.
You tug at a piece of skin around your nail, trying to tear it down to the cuticle. The delay has made you uneasy, nervous. Not at all like you used to be. Not at all like your old self.
This will be it this time, you coach, train car pulling away and rocketing into darkness. You’ll get it this time. It’s almost over.
“Hi, sorry I have an appointment at ten, with…” you check your calendar. “Dr. Riley? I know I’m late…” the woman at the desk smiles. It’s clinical, just like every other time. You don’t think she likes you much, you’re not like her. Not like any of them.
“That’s alright, it’s just this way.” She leads you through a maze of hallways, coming to a stop at one dark, wooden door. “Dr. Riley? Your ten o’clock is here.”
It opens to the biggest man you’ve ever seen, clad in jeans and a black hoodie. Is this… is this the shrink?
He says your name. When you don’t answer, he says it again, a little louder. His Manchester accent is full of grit, a mouth full of rocks, but there’s something warm in it too, something spinning you in a soft cocoon of yarn.
“H-hi.” He extends his hand, a massive palm, dwarfing yours.
“I’m Dr. Riley, come in. Thanks, Laura.” He bids the receptionist goodbye, and clicks the door shut behind her, turning with a motion to the couch. “Take a seat. I was just about to call you.”
“I’m sorry, the train was delayed and-“ He holds up his hand, a motion to stop.
“You made it, that’s what matters.” Your hands shake, and you clutch them in your lap. It’s a side effect, they tell you. It’s supposed to go away, but you’ve stopped counting the days.
He’s not what you expected. Your last doctor in this building was an old man who wore a dress shirt and slacks. Dr. Riley looks like he’s in his forties. He’s built out like a solider, broad shoulders and broad chest filling out his casual clothes, glasses reflecting his focused gaze. There are scars on his face, faded white streaks on his upper lip, cheek and jaw. His nose has been broken and repaired, and there’s a patch of his eyebrow missing, like it’s been burned away. He’s part shadow, part marble, full lips, sandy brown hair, chiseled jaw, ocean eyes.
“Why don’t you tell me why you’re here?” He begins, glancing at the laptop screen.
“I need to pass my psych eval, sir.” You focus on the question, and not the lone drone rattle rolling through your skull.
“There’s no rank in this office.” Oh, duh. “Why do you need to pass an eval?”
“I’m ready to return to my job. Just need to pass this last step.” Sir. You bite the honorific off just in time.
“If you can’t pass a psych eval, I’d say the conclusion is you’re not ready.” Your spine straightens at the authority in his voice. “And you’re not here for an eval.” Wait, what?
“I’m sorry?”
“You’re not here for an evaluation, you’re here for therapy.”
“N-no, sir- ah, Dr. Riley,” his lips tilt, a fraction, and your knees press together involuntarily. “I’ve already had therapy.” He ignores your protest.
“You’ve failed three evaluations in the last two months. You can’t just keep throwing it all the wall, hoping it will stick. You need care.” The room pitches, and you’re trapped on a tilt-a-whirl, locked into a too loud, too bright carnival ride, sirens and screams screeching in the distance.
He says your name again.
“Sorry.” The tablet folds into a laptop, balanced on a broad knee.
“Tell me about them.”
“About…”
“The psych evals. Failing three in such a short time window is a feat.” You blanche. You hate that word, fail. It stings. It’s an affront to you, you who doesn’t fail. You who was the top of her class, first selected, first pick. Your captain depends on you, your team counts on you, to not fail. At anything. Ever.
“I… I struggled with them.” There are photos on the wall, framed medals and degrees. A picture of a German shepherd, and a hanging house plant of some kind, spritely and green, leaves and vines twisting from its perch.
“Let’s start today talking about why you’re struggling with them, then.”
“I don’t know why. If I did, I wouldn’t be here.” You’re peevish, and he raises an eyebrow. “Sorry, I’m just… stressed. My team-“
“is operating in the field without you.”
“Yes.”
“And it’s causing you stress.”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Why?” What is this?
“Why is it causing you stress? Do you not trust them to operate successfully without you?”
“No… I do.”
“What about your captain? Do you not trust him to lead them?”
“Of course I do.” Your fingers tighten on the chair. “I do. But they’re down a man, and they can’t be down for too long.”
“I’m sure your team cares more about you getting the care need, over rushing back into engagement too soon.”
“I know, but I’m ready.”
“You’re not. And I know your captain, Garrick? He wouldn’t want you to jeopardize your wellbeing.” How does he know cap?
“You know captain Garrick?” Dr. Riley smiles.
“I do. And like I said, he wouldn’t want you passed through if you weren’t ready.” He’s got you pinned, metaphorically. Back against the mat, shoulders immobilized. You can’t crawl your way free, can’t fight or twist out of his grip. “Do you want to talk about why you’re on leave?”
“No! No, I… don’t need to.” You complain. “I’ve had eight counseling sessions in the last two months.”
“They’ve clearly helped.” He drawls, glancing at you over the laptop. The eye contact rakes a shiver down your spine, and you find your feet.
“I don’t want to talk about it again, sir.” You whisper it to the ground, silently begging he won’t make you.
“There’s no rank here.” He reminds, voice soft and understanding. “But I’m your clinician now, and I won’t sign off on you taking another psychological evaluation until I’m confident you’re healthy enough to return to work.”
“Can I ask…” you taper off, but he nods to encourage you. “Can I ask why I’ve suddenly been switched to a new doctor?”
“You failed an eval three times. The practice decided you needed a different approach to care.” There’s a pause, and the laptop shuts. His hands settle across his thighs. “Let’s talk about what they call you.”
“Sir?” His lips press together but deigns to remind you a third time about rank.
“Clover.” Oh.
“Yeah, that’s what my team calls me. Only my mum uses my real name anymore.” You joke, and he smiles in a small way, gaze unreadable, bearing down onto you from above.
“Is there meaning behind it?”
“I used to be considered good luck.”
“Used to be?” You blink. Used to be. Like you used to be someone else.
“I guess… my luck ran out.” He nods thoughtfully.
“Why do you think that?” Because you fucked up? You got your friends killed? Because you got into a jam you couldn’t get out of? Because you were tortured into an unrecognizable piece of human pulp?
“I… I don’t know.”
“You do.” He states matter of fact, leveling you easily. You gape.
“I don’t want to talk about it.” You mutter, looking towards your knees.
“How about mirrors?”
“What?”
“How do you feel about mirrors?” The question sets you aback. It’s never been asked, not in your previous sessions, not by anyone. No one knows about the mirrors in your flat, covered by shirts and sheets and dish towels. Turned away, forced into corners. The bathroom vanity obscured by a long white bedsheet; your reflection hidden at every turn.
“I… I don’t like them.” The honesty on your tongue tastes good, but it burns.
“Why?”
“I don’t know, I don’t like to look at myself, now.” The laptop reopens, and he types in silence for a long moment. The quiet settles around the two of you, ticking of a second hand clicking away in your ear.
“I’m going to give you some homework.” Homework?
“What kind of homework?”
“I want you to look in a mirror.” You draw a sharp breath. “When you’re at home, and you’re alone, I want you to really look at yourself, see yourself, for as long as you can. If it’s only a few seconds, it’s only a few seconds. There’s no time requirement. The only thing you have to do… is look.”
“Dr. Riley…” you laugh nervously, and he meets your eyes with a serious expression.
“Only for a few seconds. Can you do that?” No.
“I can… I can try.” You can do whatever he wants, if it will get him to pass you on the eval. If it will get you out of here.
“Good.” The watch on his wrist glints in the afternoon sun. “I’ll give you my number. Text me when your homework is done.”
“Okay.” That’s it? He stands, and you look away, unable to focus on anything but the edge of the table, brown wood slatted together and worn with age.
“You can run away now.” He murmurs, standing between you and the door. “This was good, Clover. I know it’s not easy. You did well today.” Words catch in your throat, caustic and rough. Still, you try to get them out.
“T-thanks.”
You try to do your homework that night.
You stand in front of the bathroom mirror in your pajamas, one hand on a hem, waiting to pull free and reveal your reflection.
You can do this. You can. Just do it.
The tug never comes.
You stare at the white sheet until your eyes start to cross.
Better luck tomorrow.
You hold steady in your routines. Eating. Walking. Stretching. Strength. You do yoga in the evenings, weights in the mornings. You spend too much time in your building’s gym, mindlessly pounding out miles on the treadmill, headphones blaring at full volume. You do it all robotically.
You’re outside of your body. Out of your mind.
But you could still pull a trigger.
Sometimes, when you can stand it, you take your walks outside, bypassing those who linger on sidewalks, cutting through parks and alleys. Fresh air and sunlight are supposed to help, but you don’t think it does any good. The rot is still there, curled up in your bones, blackened and sticky, festering like an infection. It’s a monster inside your body, a monster you now share your life with, cutting away pieces, long after being freed from the cell.
You eat. You walk. You try to look in the mirror.
With three days before your next session with Dr. Riley, you still haven’t managed to complete your homework. You try, in the hall, in your bedroom, again and again in the bathroom, but it never happens, you can’t quite get yourself to cross the bridge.
Failure.
Dr. Riley is waiting for you in the lobby on the day of your next appointment.
“Hi Clover.” He smiles, and it’s genuine, warm, almost wrapping around your shoulders.
“Hi, Dr. Riley.”
“How was your week?” You lag him, letting him guide you to the office, where the yellow lights are dim and darkened, casting shadow across the brown couch where you take your seat.
“It was fine.”
“What did you do?”
“Nothing, really. I’ve been at the gym a lot, trying to keep myself in shape for when I go back.”
“Exercise is good as long as you’re not overdoing it. Do you do anything else?”
“Um, I take walks outside.” His leg shifts, ankle on knee, and then his hand folds over his thigh. Something akin to interest brightens in your heart but is desperately snuffed out. He’s your therapist. “I walk in the park a lot.”
“Oh yeah? Which?”
“The one off of eighth.”
“I walk there too, nice park. Lots of trails.” You try to imagine him in joggers, taking a stroll. “I’m going to guess; you didn’t do your homework?” Heat unfurls across your face.
“I tried, but…”
“That’s okay. I thought we could try today, if you feel up to it.” Here? Now? Your eyes go wide. You look around.
“I don’t see a mirror.”
“There’s one on wheels down the hall, the occupational therapists use it all the time. Can I bring it in?” Your stomach twists up, nausea tossing your lunch from side to side.
“I uh… I don’t know.”
“You can do it. I know you can.” You hedge, unsure. Can you? Will you?
You can try.
“Okay.”
“Alright, close your eyes. I’ll be right back.” The door opens and shuts, and then opens again, wheels rolling close. You clench your eyes closed so tight it nearly hurts.
Warm fingers grab yours.
“It’s over here.” He murmurs, leading your blind steps away from the couch, coming to a stop… somewhere. “Whenever you’re ready.” You can’t feel him anymore, but you know he’s there, at your back. There’s a faint ruffle of air through your hair, against your neck. “Take a deep breath.”
You focus on the pace of your lungs, the expansion, the give and take of your ribcage.
“I can’t.” You whisper. You’re floating in space, unable to pull the trigger.
A kind hand on your shoulder brings you back.
“You can do it. Try.” The encouragement, the belief is a vine in your heart. Alive and green, it sows roots as deep as it can manage, clinging to fibrous flesh and hollowing you out. It catches on valves and ventricles, spiraling forward in a complicated web like an anchor.
You see him first, in the mirror. Stare straight back at him, falling into his gaze, vibrating in his hold like a child’s wind-up toy.
“Not me. You.” He says gently, and when you can, you bear it.
You almost gasp. It’s been two months since you’ve seen your own face, your complexion, your nose and your eyes and your chin. You’re long healed, bones set perfectly, everything right as rain. You look normal. You look fine. It’s the most shocking thing, to see yourself looking healthy, pieced back together, nearly whole. Your lower lip trembles with effort to hold yourself at bay, to keep yourself from breaking apart, drifting back towards the moon.
“That’s it. Great job, Clover.” His hand still rests on your shoulder, but you shake with a violence now, a torrent of emotion, threatening to cut you off at the knees. “It’s okay.” He whispers.
When you can’t stand it any longer, you close your eyes.
“How did you know?” You’re resettled on the couch, hands tucked under your thighs.
“Know what?”
“That I hadn’t looked in a mirror… since…”
“I know a thing or two, about coming back different. I know how it feels when you don’t want to see yourself.” You glance at the medals on the wall, primly tacked to a plush pillow, encased in glass, and wonder.
“Did you work with captain Garrick?”
“We were in a task force together, before I retired early to do this.” He smiles, easy and light, but there’s something guarded in it, something sharp, shark’s teeth aiming for docile flesh. It purrs, and makes you want to pull back more layers. Gives you something else to focus on, something else to fall into, but it’s gone before you can really study him.
“Oh.” It’s all you can say as he types something on the laptop, and then puts it away.
“That’s all for today. I’ll see you next week then?”
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