#take care of your mental health and make sure you can separate fact from fiction

[icedmetaltea]

Sorry to bother you but I remember you making a tutorial on how to make your own ai with beta character ai? I can't seem to find it though. I'm I just imagining things?

You're not, I did make one, however...

Honestly?? I wouldn't even bother at this point. Character.ai has had so much drama with the devs being horrible human beings: most likely stealing/selling user data (you want to delete a bot off their website?? Too bad. You can't. Also they took a bunch of bots with high interaction counts and locked the creators out of editing, essentially stealing them from people), not listening to feedback whatsoever (actively making things much worse with every update), implementing a "nsfw" filter that blocks even the most sfw things like hugging or kissing (even with family/platonic characters), has a nasty habit of comparing anything romantic to children ("she looks at you like a daughter looks to her father" like ew what the actual fuck, and this happens literally all the fuckin time so you gotta ask how it made that association hmm), dumbing down the ai in favor of making it "safer" (now characters hardly ever act like their source material, often making up random shit), bots ignoring user input (often going on a tangent describing the environment and ignoring dialogue), bots being stupid in general (forgetting what you said literally 2-3 messages ago and giving horribly lackluster responses), devs shadowbanning people/deleting any posts respectfully calling out their shit to facilitate propaganda in their favor and make it seem like nothing's wrong, and so much more.

Drop it like a newborn giraffe.

Some other options: Pygmalion, which I'm still learning how to use and it ofc isn't going to be as advanced as Character.ai since it's a 6b model while the latter is like 100+b, meaning less data power so responses are less intelligent + slower, BUT it is free, it is open source, and you can get some pretty decent responses if you hold its hand a lot. There are some UIs you can use it through, like forks of TavernAI that give you the ability to use world info and get it to have a better memory, one for group chatting with different characters (tho I haven't tried that), a customized background, and so on. The devs are still working on a site but you can access it right now- I can make a smol tutorial for the basics of that if anyone wants it.

OpenAI is also an option, you can also use it through Tavern and it will give responses akin to if not much better than Character.ai- though you gotta pay. HOWEVER you can get a free trial with $5 to use... and there are ways of using it free after that, but I can't say it here cause if it's too widespread, it'll prolly get patched out, and we don't want that.

How to access Pygmalion - Go here and click this: (when it asks u for permission to access ur google acct, click yes)

It'll take a while to load, maybe like 5 mins or something,

Once you get to this, click the UI links (usually only one will work, use that)

Now, that will take u to the KoboldAI UI. Wanna use Tavern instead? (good choice, gives a lot more customization) Use this link.

Now scroll down till u get here to this drop down menu. Choose Pygmalion 6b or 6b Dev (to be quite honest I'm not sure what the difference is yet). Wait for that to load, and while you're waiting, go here to download the Tavern files:

boom (or some other fork)

Go here and click download ZIP.

Unzip and look for this:

Ignore everything else, just click this. (the file's safe, if windows gives you a warning, ignore it) Now you'll be here (I'm using a different fork so it may look different:)

click the 3 lil lines in the upper right corner to access settings and characters.

Once you've added/edited characters as you like (I suggest looking at the default ones if you're curious about how that works) you can come back over to the google drive and, if it's finished loading, you'll have two url links like before:

Paste one into the API key and click connect. I used the top one but the bottom might only work for you.

There ya go! A bit complicated, but that's a free substitute for character.ai.

If you instead wanna use OpenAi, (assuming you're either paying or using the free trial, or... something else ;), you'd go here on ur openai account page and go down here:

and create a secret key. Copy that and go into the UI of your choice... ima use TavernAI again. Go into settings, change your API to Openai, and paste that API key you just copied into the API link. Voila!

Here's a couple helpful links for further info: https://www.reddit.com/r/PygmalionAI/ (they have a discord, with some really helpful guides)

character creation/writing tips for Pyg

Soft prompts

General tips

I'm still a noob who knows jackshit about coding, so I can't offer much help, BUT I know the basics so ye. Hope this helps!

[reelovesbuckybarnes]

Hi, I used to rp with you and I saw you posted a thing wondering why no one wants to rp with you. I want to give you constructive criticism, okay? I'm not attacking you. I'm just being honest.

I can probably speak for all of us who have had some kind of rp interaction with you when I say this, but in my personal experience, you were too clingy. There were a lot of times where you would send in asks that referred to other people's role plays and you come off as being jealous of the other storylines.

First of all, this is a HUGE turn off for role players because 99% of them have the rule stated on their blog that says all storylines/role plays will remain separate. This includes you sending in asks or messages acting jealous.

Something else you would do is you would ask multiple times when the character you were role playing with was coming back. The people who run these role play blogs have lives outside of their role play blogs. We work, go to college, are married, have kids to take care of, need mental health days, etc. So sending messages asking "when is [insert character name here] coming back online?" isn't going to make us want to reply to your asks or messages any faster. In fact, we probably won't want to reply to them because it's extremely disrespectful to the actual person behind the role play blog.

And one more thing that I want to make sure you understand is that the character you're role playing with is just that... a character... you're not role-playing with the REAL Bucky, Jack Benjamin, TJ Hammond, etc because they aren't real. They're characters created by real people. You're role playing with a human being who is PRETENDING to be said character. We have these blogs as a COURTESY to others. We don't have to do this, but we choose to, because we know it makes people happy to have an escape from real life every once in a while.

So if someone ever does decide to role play with you again, please remember this message.

-Someone you used to role play with

Well you are hiding behind an anonymous page....

First of all i am suffering from a mental illness and i cannot control it. It feels like you want me to give it up. And i know that some people are in real married, man or woman and have a job and have kids and i DO KNOW that tj and bucky are not real they are fictional characters . Do not come and stress me in this new year because i am not that stupid. 

[whatifxwereyou]

The Oncoming Storm Part 25: Home

Liu Kang x Reader and Kung Lao x Reader (gonna do both, two paths!)

Oh no. That's all I have to say. Also, Chen is a delight.

A/N: This chapter was so long that I actually cut it in half to post it over two separate days instead. It was 12 pages and I figured that was a bit much. Though, 8-12 is what I average when I'm writing fiction for publishing so... haha <3 love you guys! hope you are all doing wonderful!! Also please, please make dick jokes in the comments. PLEASE lol.

Part 24 Part 26 Chapter Index

It was a struggle to open your eyes even if you were awake. You had rolled onto your side and were facing the window. You could see the light of the morning peeking in from along the seams of the dark curtains of the hotel room. Somewhere throughout the night, you’d readjusted and now you were the little spoon. You could feel his soft, even breath on your shoulder, warm and comforting. His arm was tucked beneath you, the other wrapped tightly over yours that rested over your chest.

You didn’t want to get up, so you closed your eyes again and sunk into his arms, clearly not thinking. Your back was pressed against his chest, your hips pressed square against his too. He tightened his arm around you, and nuzzled into the side of your neck, a hot sigh tickling your sensitive bruised flesh. More importantly, you could feel him pressed right against your backside in all his glory. There he was. Liu Kang. You snapped your eyes open and were as stiff, well, as he was, afraid that you would make it worse if you moved even if you were incredibly curious.

Just what kind of good dreams was he having?

Then you had to try not to laugh. You carefully turned to bury your face in the pillows, and it was so hot that you swore you might be burning alive. Liu Kang and his inherent warmth against every single part of your body was killing you.

You were going to suffocate. Or catch fire.

Deep breaths. Breathe through his hand gently clutching yours. You could do this.

Okay.

No big deal.

Liu Kang was wrapped around you, pressed against you, and you were trapped in his arms and trying desperately to think about anything other than that. The impure thoughts were rampant.

Chen would have been screaming your victory throughout the temple. She also would have told you to just go for it. Make that complicated ride that much more complicated. Poor choice of words, brain. Chen had gotten into your head. And all the tension you’d built up with Kung Lao and Liu Kang had no release to speak of.

“Liu?” You decided the best thing to do would be to wake him up. Sneaking out of his arms would have made things both awkward and worse.

He stirred at the sound of your voice and pulled you tighter. It took everything inside of you not make a sound of surprised delight at the impressive mental picture he had very clearly painted. Oh, god there were so many jokes popping into your head. Sarcastic defense mechanism, go away! You had to keep it together. No laughing. No moaning. No jokes.

Your face had never been redder. He was waking up. Thank god. His lips brushed against your shoulder, and he nuzzled right against the side of your neck, nose pressing just behind your ear. This was hard. Ah, damnit brain. No jokes! With a soft moan just against your neck, he shifted.

Then, very suddenly, Liu pulled his arm out from beneath you, let you go and rolled onto his back, knees bent so that the blankets didn’t reveal any secrets. Yeah, the secret had more than been revealed already. You appreciated his modesty anyway. You carefully scooted onto your back, careful not to brush against him in any way and fanned your face. There was no talking down the redness in your cheeks, no hiding what had happened.

“Sorry,” he managed, his voice still gruff and sleepy. He stared at the ceiling and seemed to be coaching himself through his own deep breaths. You sat up and adjusted your shirt that had become unbelievably crooked. Some of the buttons had even come undone. Jeez, you’d certainly been busy while you’d slept. “You… sleep alright?” He pinched the bridge of his nose and the fact that he was trying to have a totally normal conversation like that hadn’t happened was hilarious.

No laughing.

“Yeah, it took a while to get to sleep but I basically blacked out when I did. Feels like I could sleep for another year though.” You somehow managed to act normal. As normal as you could with your face as red as it was and your eyes as wide as they were. You could barely have a conversation about where you were relationship-wise, so you were pretty sure that you weren’t ready to discuss his morning wood.

You needed Chen in that moment. You needed Chen to help you uncomplicate this yarn ball of chaos in your head. Then again, Chen would have just told you to go for it. To reach around and give it a go. You had to close your eyes and try not to laugh again. “What about you?”

You didn’t laugh. Kudos to you.

“Tired this morning.” It was the first time that you had ever seen Liu Kang looking like he could have slept longer than you did. In fact, he was a little pale. Not terribly so, but then again, all the blood in his body was busy somewhere else. It took every ounce of your strength not to ask him if he was okay. He would tell you if he wasn’t. “I need a shower. Will you be okay alone?”

“Yeah. Go ahead.” You purposely turned toward your own bed to offer him modesty, but you might never be your normal color again. Red forever. You waited for the sound of the bathroom door closing before you flopped back on his bed and stared at the ceiling. You’d changed your mind. “I can never ever tell Chen this happened.” The teasing would have gone on forever.

While he was in the shower, you changed into some of your new clothes and then cleaned yourself up. In the mirror your cheeks were finally turning back to a normal rosy color. You checked on the jade to make sure that nothing had changed during the night, and then you packed up, opened the curtains to the hotel room, and straightened up while you waited for Liu, doing anything in your power to stop your renegade thoughts.

“Do you need to stop anywhere before we go back to the temple?” Liu joined you moments after you were dressed, clothed in his familiar black and white gi, and back to his old self. Still a little pale though.

“Hmm?” You had just finished tucking the jade into your bag.

“You didn’t really get the chance to pack up your things to stay with us. I figured you might need to do some shopping.”

He was so damn thoughtful. “I actually went shopping before I met with you yesterday morning.” You patted the bag. “So, I’m okay. Thank you for offering though. I really did need a few things, especially since I keep destroying everything I wear with ink.” You patted his shoulder as you walked past him to sneak into the bathroom now that he was finished. You had to make yourself presentable and enjoy these modern amenities one last time before you returned to the temple.

Afterward, you stopped at a food stall on the road and grabbed breakfast. Then you hiked up the mountain just far enough so that Liu could summon Raiden to bring you back. You still weren’t quite sure how they did that. Was it a prayer? It looked like a prayer. He was a God, after all. Liu had used a flourish of fire, but Kung Lao had just closed his eyes and then boom. Lightning.

You were back in the temple in a flash. You pulled the bundle of jade out of your bag and offered it to Raiden while Liu Kang updated him on what you’d gone through. It felt weird to be back but not in a bad way, necessarily. This was your home now, you guessed. You hadn’t really talked about it. Everything had happened naturally and without question.

Raiden peered into the shirt and then allowed the jade to fall onto a second pedestal that had been placed a few feet away from the first one which was currently encased in glass. “Good.” Raiden seemed impressed, and you beamed. He really did have a fatherly presence about him. “I need time to examine these artifacts and attempt to unravel their purpose. The wickedness and power that has been infused within them continues to elude me.” You had expected him to need time, but you had also expected him to be able to figure it out. Again. He was a god. These things took time, you figured but you also had no idea how to process what you were up against. It was still way above your head. “From what I’ve devised from the dotaku, it was used in a dark ritual. It is tainted beyond my sight with dark energy. You two will check into the infirmary on and off for the next few days. Kung Lao has come down with a terrible fever since his return. I suspect it’s the curse on these objects causing it.”

Liu gave you an accusatory look as if to ask if you were hiding something from him. You shrugged and shook your head to his silent request. “I’m bruised all over but other than that? I feel fine. And that bell was all over me. We were much more careful about the jade. Trust me, if I had a high fever then you would know it. I’m a big baby about fevers.”

“Even if it turns out that you are immune to the impact of these objects, I would like you both to make certain that you keep a watchful eye on your health and report all symptoms to those in the infirmary.”

“Yes, of course Lord Raiden.” Liu Kang bowed respectfully before him.

“When I’ve uncovered anything of note then I will call upon you.” Raiden spoke more to you than to Liu and you bowed your head as you had learned to do. You were grateful to him for trying to help you at all. Raiden very well could have just let you die and had someone else take the mark from you. This was still beyond your understanding. Gods, curses, magic. You’d jumped into it all headfirst and had embraced the chaos, but there were moments where your logic-brain said ‘excuse me’ and you had to sort out the nonsense there.

You were trying your best, but it always came back to thought that you were very likely going to die because of this. Raiden turned away from you, dismissing you without a word. Liu nodded toward the doorway and you walked with him, dragging your bag behind you. Being out in the world for a few days had been nice. You weren’t sure how long it would take to acclimate to life in Raiden’s Temple. Right now, you were just hoping that you’d have the time to figure that out.

You made your way into the infirmary and Chen practically ran to you and gave you a hug. You were a little surprised by it but returned the affection. “Welcome back!” Chen smiled brightly and then bowed to Liu Kang respectfully. “Raiden has orders for us to keep an eye on the two of you. Please take a seat.” Chen led you to one of the empty benches, so you sat down there together.

Chen examined Liu first, taking his vitals and writing them down in a notebook she had nearby. You sat awkwardly, tapping your forefinger against your knee. Chen sat back up after she was done and then rested her hands on her knees.

“You have a fever, Liu Kang.” She tapped the paper and he blinked in surprise.

“I feel fine.” He insisted, looking to you as if he had to justify it after all his accusatory glances. He’d worried about you so much that he seemed to think that the tables were about to be turned.

“Just over 100. But if Kung Lao is anything to judge by then this isn’t the worst of it yet. I recommend rest and fluids.” Chen then frowned and narrowed her eyes. “Not that I can force you to rest, of course. I suggested the same to Kung Lao and he said, and I quote ‘I will take it into consideration’ except that his fever was spiking up to 104.”

“That sounds right.” Liu sighed but you felt suddenly on high alert. That was one hell of a fever! You’d have to check in on him. “I’ll rest and if I feel worse then I’ll check back in. If not, then I will be here in the morning just in case.”

“Thank you.” Chen slumped her shoulders as if this were a relief in comparison to having dealt with Kung Lao.

“Y/N?” Chen looked to you disapprovingly as if you were about to be just as stubborn.

“I feel fine! Why doesn’t anyone believe me?”

“You often say that you’re feeling fine when you are not, in fact, fine,” Liu whispered, and Chen snorted with laughter while taking your vitals.

“Well, I am legitimately fine right now. Honestly! And I don’t mean to lie about that stuff. The last few weeks have been weird so my definition of fine has kind of changed.” You pouted. You hadn’t meant to give anyone a false sense of how you’d been feeling but fine one day had meant that you could use your arms again and fine another meant that you’d had a vision but were still functioning. Chen glared at you, trying to discern if you were hiding something. Then she made a little note in her book. You craned your neck to try and read it and so did Liu. You gave him a look to silently scold him, and he returned it. You tightened your lips not to laugh but couldn’t hide your grin.

“She’s not lying. No fever. In fact, your temperature is even a little low. This is the most normal checkup you’ve had since you’ve been here, Y/N. I want you to come in for bloodwork later but for now… you’re okay.” Chen still seemed suspicious and Liu did too.

“Wow, you just can’t believe I’m the finest in the land right now.” You teased and Liu laughed and then shook his head as if embarrassed that he’d laughed at it. It had been a terrible joke, to be fair.

“Thank you.” Liu stood and bowed politely to Chen. You joined him and waved at Chen.

“Y/N? Could I talk to you for a second?” Chen called you back just as you’d made it outside the infirmary and back to your bag.

“I’ll be two seconds.” You told Liu who leaned against the wall of the doorway. Now that you knew he had a fever, his pale face made sense. Your hurried over to Chen. “What’s up?”

“So…?” Chen nodded toward Liu Kang and then gestured to you. You stared in disbelief.

“Are you kidding me? Right now?”

“Umm, yeah right now.”

“It’s complicated.” You rubbed your temples in annoyance. “And I obviously don’t have time to talk about it right now.”

“Oh, thank god that it’s finally complicated!”

“It has always been complicated, Chen. Get your mind out of the gutter.”

“I can’t. But this is disappointing news.” Chen sighed in obvious frustration. Why was she frustrated? You were the one surrounded by a sea of hormones all damn day! “Come chat with me when you get the chance. I want to know how it went and also what complicated means.”

“Can I please go now, Chen? Please? He’s just standing behind me waiting for me while you gossip.”

“Yeah, he is, isn’t he? He hasn’t taken his eyes off you once by the way.” Chen sighed dreamily but her expression quickly shifted. “On a more serious note… I’m worried that you aren’t having symptoms the way that they are. I have a bad feeling again. Keep checking in with me, okay?”

“You are a surprise every time I talk to you.” You gently grasped Chen’s shoulder. “I’m going now.”

“You better find me later!”

“You’re a terrible monk,” You whispered and then pointed at another monk who had been very obviously listening in, silently nodding your head as if to add in that he, too, was a terrible monk.

[ceasarslegion]

Okay so, as someone who was really into lucid dreaming in high school, I feel like I have to speak on the "reality shifting" issue

It's textbook lucid dreaming. What you are experiencing is lucid dreaming. That's a fact. That's how it works, and it's why it feels real. The whole idea behind those of us who've learned to control our dreams at some point in our lives is that we WANTED to have a safe place to live out fantasies that we couldn't in the waking world, and have them feel real. But at the same time, lucid dreamers are careful not to blur those lines of reality and fiction. That's why we trained ourselves to be able to tell the difference, why we would make habits out of snapping fingers near our ears to check how it sounds, or checking clocks multiple times instead of once to see if the numbers drastically changed, or making sure people around us were speaking actual structured English instead of gibberish, because they were signs of where we were. The difference between people who are into lucid dreaming and "reality shifting" is that lucid dreaming is built on the idea that we want to take control of a FICTIONAL place, with the full knowledge that it's fictional and all in our heads. Our brains are incredible organs capable of incredible things, and we want to become more skilled in harnessing our dream centers specifically. We know it's fake, we just want to have fun in a big mental sandox, and that's the key difference.

There's nothing wrong with lucid dreaming, in my opinion. If it's done right, in my experience, it can be very enriching and enjoyable, and allow you to experience things you wouldn't otherwise get to because of the limitations of reality.

Now, here's where I'm gonna get into why I have an issue with reality shifting, and why it worries me. Right down to the language used to describe it, there's an issue. You can't shift realities, because it's not REAL. Language matters, it's how our brains process and associate things as auditory-social creatures, so already, you're setting your psyche up to associate your lucid dreaming with an entirely separate reality, not a dreamscape of your own subconscious creation. "Lucid dreaming" does the opposite: "I'm dreaming, but I'm aware that I'm dreaming." Hence, there's no linguistic association with reality, and it acknowledges that you're occupying something that's not real.

When you convince yourself that you can visit different realities that are just as real and tangible as the waking world, you start to blur the lines between dream and reality in a very psychologically unhealthy and borderline dangerous way. The human brain isn't very good at distinguishing between tangible reality and fiction on its own, so usually, we have to tell it where the line is. When you cover or blur that line and declare an open border between reality and fiction, it WILL bleed into how you perceive the real world and those in it, as well as yourself. I shouldn't have to tell you why that's a recipe for disaster in your mental health and your real interpersonal relationships.

If you wanna lucid dream about Hogwarts, all the power to you, but please, for the love of god, acknowledge that none of it is real, you are not visiting another reality, you are just lucid dreaming without any tools to guide your perceptions. It's dangerous to your own mental wellbeing and your perception of the actual, real world to convince yourself that it's real. Please don't play games with your ability to distinguish fantasy from reality for a tiktok trend.

Yours truly, a tired and worried lucid dreamer

[agent-cupcake]

Can I ask your opinion? So, I feel like everyone into 3H is in love with Dimitri, but I can't connect with him. I don't dislike him, but I feel like there isn't much to his personality without all his various mental health issues. It's hard to get a feel on what he's really like, so I end up just seeing him as a walking ball of trauma and not a three-dimensional character. Do you have any thoughts on Dimitri himself and how to separate him as a person from his psychological issues? Thanks!

Hmm, I guess my first thought is that everyone resonates with characters differently and so if you don’t particularly feel connected to him, that’s not wrong. Fictional parasocial relationships are very similar to real-life relationships, so it follows that nobody is going to like every character. I can’t say that a portion of my love for his character doesn’t come from his mental issues because that’s something I personally relate to and feel drawn to in others. That’s just who I am and how I build relationships. There is also something to be said for the unavoidable way mental illness informs a person’s behavior and character, it’s as much an aspect of them as being born with blond hair or losing an eye.

That said, I will do my best to explain why I think Dimitri is wonderful. Not in spite of his mental illness, but because I don’t think that’s all he is.

So, Dimitri is, as he says, a very clumsy person. This unfortunately extends to his social skills. He has a lot of very socially awkward tendencies and a general lack of self-awareness. This contrasts with his innate desire to please people, or at least avoid upsetting anyone. The thing is, Dimitri doesn’t always completely understand what upsets people or how exactly they might feel. His childhood isolation left him rather emotionally unaware and desperate for the acceptance and approval of others. That’s not to say he doesn’t try to understand other people’s feelings, but it’s not an intuitive process. He has a habit of saying kind of dumb or uncomfortable things out of nowhere, which is most likely his real feelings coming out in rather inept ways. He means well, but he’s just so dang clumsy.

The desperation to be included and validated I mentioned, I think, can be seen in the way he tries so hard to make the other Blue Lions see him as a peer and equal all the while keeping himself rather closed off from them. Dimitri approaches conversations as a means of focusing on the other person, trying to make an appeal to them rather than as an interaction where both parties could be seen as vulnerable. Of course, just like most other socially awkward introverts, he opens up when he feels closer to the person, but that takes a while. Gotta unlock the supports, you know? Although it’s not necessarily obvious, his incredibly stiff behavior (especially pre-timeskip) and the way he switches between overly formal and awkwardly friendly in his interactions with people as he tries to figure out how to socially and emotionally navigate relationships really gives me the impression of someone trying desperately to fit in without even the faintest clue of how to actually manage that. He also does his best to avoid social situations, which, mood. Basically, Dimitri’s a big dumb massive introvert trying to act like he’s not.

FURTHERMORE, he is a dork. An absolute goof of a person. Dimitri canonically thinks so-bad-its-good puns and jokes are hilarious. His own style of telling jokes is saying things that may or may not have contextual humor in a normal voice and then claiming after the fact that he intended it as such. Now, his supports with Alois are absolute factual proof of the so-bad-its-good humor, but might I also direct your attention to the scene before the battle against Miklan in Conand Tower (the event name is “Tower in a Storm (Blue Lions)”). Basically, Gilbert is explaining the history behind Conand Tower and Dimitri says, in an incredibly earnest voice, “You’re very well informed, Gilbert. Please, tell us more.” This is a joke. Supposed to be, at least. The delivery is somewhat emphasized, but not in a recognizably sarcastic way. Gilbert, who knew Dimitri very well when he was young, realizes it’s a joke after a second. But there are other things Dimitri says that I believe are his bad “jokes” and since nobody knows him well enough to tell, they don’t call him on it. There’s no proof, but his line in the Lord’s intro where he says, “And here I thought you were acting as a decoy for the sake of us all.” to Claude has to be an attempt at sarcasm. Dimitri is oblivious, but not stupid. In his Goddess Tower conversation with Byleth, when discussing the topic of wishes, he says, “Perhaps it would make more sense for me to wish that we’ll be together forever. What do you think?” In a completely normal voice. Following are two speech bubbles of “...” before he laughs and proclaims that it’s just a joke and that he’s getting better at telling them. Now, this is a two-parter because I see this as both his horribly awkward tendency to say things he feels without thinking too hard beforehand as well as his silly deadpan style of “jokes”. Granted, he does apologize. Dimitri’s got socially awkward zoomer humor. It’s endearing.

Here is a video of Dimitri hitting on Byleth pre-timeskip. I’m not sure how far it goes to endear someone to him, but the mostly awkward and occasionally smooth attempts of Dimitri’s flirtations are absolutely a highlight of his character. 

Now, this isn’t quite as cute as all that, but I think character arc and change do a lot for making a character feel more three-dimensional. Dimitri is hypocritically selfish. Although those are both negative terms, I don’t necessarily mean them as such, at least not in their totality. Both are things to overcome, which he does. And that’s why I feel like they’re a valid point of discussion when trying to explain the allure of his character.

The hypocritical part comes from the way he easily allows and forgives the flaws of others while constantly castigating himself for the same reasons. He says things that show an absurd amount of a lack of self-awareness. For example, he tells Edelgard, “Hm. You will prove a lacking ruler yourself if you look for deceit behind every word and fail to trust those whom you rely on.” All the while straight-up lying to and emotionally avoiding his friends. Dimitri also tells Marianne, when she is punishing herself for putting other people at risk, “What matters is that they came back safely in the end. You shouldn’t blame yourself for that.” Really, his C and B with Marianne is an exercise in hypocrisy. The standards Dimitri has for himself are incredibly, unattainably high. He’s setting himself up for failure in that way and, to an extent, knows what he’s doing because he knows that those same standards are too much for his friends and allies to meet. He wishes to take on everything himself. But, what I find so beautiful about this, is that Dimitri eventually realizes that he can’t do that. He is not strong enough to take on the weight of the world on himself, he comes to understand that it’s something he must allow himself to share with the people who care about him. He comes to realize that, as difficult as it is to accept, he is a weak person. Despite all of his introversion and inability to emotionally open up, he figures out that having a support system and allowing yourself to rely on people who love you is a necessity. Personally, I think this message is incredibly important in real life. Watching Dimitri come to that conclusion and argue it’s importance really rounded out his arc and journey as a person. Now, the relatability of this conclusion will differ, but I don’t think it has to do with his mental illness as much as it is a fundamental aspect of growth.

The selfishness is basically outlined above. Dimitri is selfish about his pain and secrets, purposefully and selfishly driving people away because he wants to keep the burden to himself. His vice is guilt and he indulges in the pain of it like an addiction. Hatred, too, is a drug. He thinks he needs it to keep going, even though all it does is bring agony to himself and others around him. Learning to accept and let go of these feelings is, again, something I think is important and a character arc that I really love, especially when you see him suffer as much as he does. Now, the execution of this is lacking, I admit. But that’s an issue for another time I think.

I am not quite sure if I did much to change your opinion, but this is all I can think of for now. There is probably a lot more than I’ve left out because I think about Dimitri far too much to be healthy. So, I’ll leave you off with some honorable mention aspects of his character that I think are super fun:

Pre-timeskip Dimitri has his hair tucked behind his ear. He can lift a wagon by himself. In the DLC, when faced with an impossible-to-open gate, it was not muscle man Balthus who said he couldn’t open it, but twinkish teen Dimitri. He’s not really smooth with one-liners. Like, at all. Notably, when attacking Manuela post-timeskip, he says, “Perhaps I should have appeared before you holding a bouquet of flowers, rather than the weapon that will end your life.” Adding to this, at one point, Dimitri fucked up a pick-up line so badly the girl came after him. Areadbhar has a mitten on it in the Azure Moon final picture. He breaks everything. His Crest activation ability even supports this, using twice the durability of any given Combat Art. One of his post-timeskip counselor messages is, “I lived in the slums for a long time, and I saw how the people there suffered from poverty and the ravages of war. There must be something I can do to save them." His room in the academy is right next to Sylvain’s, meaning that for almost an entire year Dimitri was a single wall away from hearing whatever nonsense Sylvain was getting up to. Dimitri is the only Lord that takes the throne and doesn’t abandon his people in some form or another.

And, finally, he is pretty sexy. And that’s all that really matters, isn’t it?

[comfy-whumpee]

Whumping Safely 101

Many people in this community have mental health problems, face various types of discrimination, and have complicated relationships with some parts or types of whump. In particular, I aim this at people who care about the experience of survivors and others with triggers – partially because I am an abuse survivor who often flirts with triggering content as part of my love of whump.

Keeping your blog safe is difficult, takes effort, and is never a perfect process. But as the community grows and grows, it’s really important that we hold ourselves to a high standard. I would argue that this is a responsibility of all content creators, but especially those of us in the messy playground of whump.

I’ve got three sections in here: content warnings, writing with care, and community interaction. I’ve tried to make it navigable. It’s about 1.8k words. Shorter than a lot of drabbles! I welcome good-faith criticism on this topic and further questions on my own views.

Content Warnings

The biggest responsibility, in my opinion, is empowering your reader to make their own decision on whether they want to expose themselves to your writing. This also happens to be by far the easiest way to help people whump safely.

What to warn

This is a big and ever-changing topic. Some things you should warn for as a rule of thumb are anything NSFW, pet whump and box boy whump, drugs and alcohol, medical and hospital content, graphic gore, intimate partner violence, and animal harm. It can be tricky to draw the line of what counts – what needs a warning? If you’re in doubt, just warn it anyway. It doesn’t hurt.

If someone requests a trigger be warned for, even if it’s something that feels obscure or tame, show compassion and agree to the request. This is someone who cares enough about being able to read your writing that they wrote in! They want to be able to read it and enjoy it. You’re being complimented.

Otherwise, look at what other blogs tag for. You’ll see some variation in styles and levels of detail, but it’s a good way to gauge what people think is warn-worthy, when we’re often writing stuff that would already be R-rated in mainstream media.

Read Mores

The easiest way to make sure people don’t see your triggering content is to use a cut. Tumblr is not a very functional website and likes to delete cuts, but a cursory check of your posted content will usually tell you whether it’s worked. With asks, cuts are very spotty, so don’t be afraid to post an ask response separately with a screengrab of the original question. People often then respond to the ask itself with a link to the post, especially if it’s a whole drabble. Tumblr is weird and bad so just do your best.

Content notices

I.e., a quick summary before the drabble, usually in bold, to state what will be coming. I like to distinguish between using content notes (CN) and trigger warnings (TW) to indicate severity. Others might use the old phrase ‘dead dove do not eat’ to indicate this is a heavy piece, and often you will see qualifiers like ‘intense’, ‘mild’, ‘mention’, ‘referenced’ (i.e. it is discussed but not actively happening), and ‘implied’ (as the opposite of ‘explicit’). I’ve also seen a couple of people use ‘vibes’, which is a really nice way of demonstrating that it’s there, but not the focus. A quick paragraph like this, or just a line, lets people make a quick risk assessment on their reading.

This is also important if you’re sending in asks or requests to people. If you want to ask about something triggering, send an inquiry first about whether the blog is okay to hear it.

Tagging

Tagging is a chore, but it’s your primary way of warning people about your content. The main benefit of tagging is that you can be as detailed as you want, because can be tagging for content in general, not just triggers.

In a best case scenario, you’d tag the kind of whump you’re doing, tag triggers, tag characters, and even your ‘verses, because tagging is your index for your blog. If you tag reliably, you help your future self and your readers find stuff, and you also make your blog really dang safe. People who have unusual triggers can blacklist tags, and will pick up on your content tags to help them.

Don’t just tag your own writing. Tag your reblogs, tag your prompts, tag your asks. Yes, edit your asks to add the tags. Tag your images and gifs. Tag your images as images and your gifs as gifs.

If you aren’t up for detailed tagging for whatever reason, just tag for triggering content, and add stuff to that list if you’re asked to. My usual technique is to make a mental note of tags while I’m formatting and editing before posting.

Be aware that your first five tags will be used in search results. If you’re using tags that are associated with kink too, such as ‘shibari’, you might want to rethink your tag order if you don’t want interaction from those blogs. Also think about what tags might come up in non-whump contexts, such as ‘collar’ or ‘PTSD’. Some tactics for getting around this I’ve seen are adding ‘whump’ after the content or writing the tags in past tense (i.e., ‘collared’).

It is also a good idea to watch out for when you might be reblogging something whumpy that is intended as kink / porn / fetish, especially in images. Tagging these as spicy / nsfw / kink is a sensible move.

Writing with Care

Okay, now for the harder stuff.

I mean here to lay out some guidelines for how to write in a way that helps your reader build good faith. This is a much more nuanced topic, and it’s different for everyone. There will always be differing opinions on what should and shouldn’t be written about, what a good depiction of a sensitive topic is, and how to discuss that topic. I tried to strip this back into absolute basics that I hope we can all agree on.

Maybe your whump involves abuse. Maybe it’s gaslighting. Maybe it’s severe mental health problems, or addiction, or slavery, or you write about or analogise real-world issues. Whump deals with the dark stuff, and that’s a big part of its appeal. But don’t ever forget you’re writing the dark stuff.

(Try to) Know what you’re doing

Some of us play fast and loose with plots, medical accuracy, worldbuilding, and other things that get in the way of the pain we crave. This is all well and good, but when we start using whump that speaks true to people’s lived experiences, we shouldn’t be careless with it. I’m particularly talking about things that get represented poorly in mainstream media, such as abusive relationships, issues around marginalisation, mental illness and disability.

Be critical of media that you’ve consumed. Think about how its depicted things that you want to depict in turn. Look for opinions on fictional representations of those issues. Be aware that you might be more ignorant of things than you realise.

Look at how others are writing these issues, particularly if they’re writing from a perspective different to yours. If you haven’t personally experienced what you’re writing about, e.g., if you don’t have PTSD and you want to depict a character who does, seek out stuff written from or with experience. Listen to the experts.

If you’re looking for stuff about representation specifically, I recommend this collection of posts about ‘Braving Diversity’ cultivated by Writing With Colour, who are in themselves a fantastic resource for this topic, and have recommendations for other blogs that deal with intersecting issues.

Listen to others

Missteps are inevitable. Nobody is perfect. If constructive criticism is offered, that’s also a compliment to your writing. Someone read your work and thought about it, and thought you’d care about improving it. They’re offering themselves as a resource for helping you see your work in a new light.

Criticism is hard and sometimes hurtful, but even if we don’t think it’s accurate, there’s often a grain of truth in it. If someone tells you that your writing is harmful, think about why they’ve said that, not whether or not they’re correct. This is an opinion! Opinions are subjective! But what drove someone to send that in?

You don’t have to respond to all your criticism and definitely don’t respond straight away. Being respectful to those who are trying to help you means taking the time to consider it properly. Sometimes, they don’t need a response. Others, you might want to learn more about what they think before deciding. You might have already discussed the topic, in which case, you might just want to reblog your previous posts.

If it’s sent in bad faith or is outright hateful, you’re well within your rights to just delete it and move on. You might get the same criticism over and over again, and that’s exhausting, and you don’t have to retrace your steps for everyone.

But if it’s new, even if it puts your hackles up, you can always stop and wonder why someone felt that strongly about your work.

Take a step back

One of my better-known characters is a pet whumper who conditioned his victim to adore and depend on him. It’s not always easy to represent how deeply messed up that is within the text – though I think that’s part of the challenge – but in meta-commentary, I am always describing him as a creeptastic bastard lacking compassion and self-reflection. I hope to always give the reader the confidence that I know just how wrong it is.

This is a really simple thing you can do just to give readers good faith in you. Show that you know what you’re writing is dark and messed up. Show your understanding for the issues you’re handling and that they’re complicated. It might seem self-evident, but when you’re writing the really dark stuff, or unhealthy relationships, or institutionalised whump, you can inadvertently create the impression that you just think it’s fun. The fact that it’s fiction does not automatically absolve you. Show that you care about doing it right.

Community Interaction

I’m going to keep this one short and sweet because I will almost entirely be preaching to the choir here.

Be polite to others. Imagine saying what you’re saying to their face.

Don’t send anon hate. Just don’t. If you can send criticism off anon, do so.

Nobody is obligated to interact with you.

Nobody is obligated to monitor their own reader base.

If someone says do not interact, do not interact.

If someone says do not interact, why they’ve said that is none of your business.

You don’t need to spread the word about someone’s bad politics.

Ask yourself if your input is needed, or if what you’ve said has already been said.

You don’t have to take a side.

Take care of yourself. Take breaks. Remind yourself that whump is a small part of the world.

That’s all from me, folks. Stay safe.

[langernameohnebedeutung]

I’m probably parrotting to the wrong choir here, but at least part of the truth about liking villains vs. condemning villains is...I don’t consume villain content in order to find healthy coping strategies and genuine life advice. I don’t look for healthy coping strategies in sci-fi films and fantasy books or on ao3 in the first place, because 99% of all that input is not produced by people that a) intent or b) are qualified to give meaningful life advice.

 Sometimes things we read or watch can be detrimental to our mental health or can make us happier or mean a lot to us. And that is also why it is important to tag, warn, and summarise content: So that people can avoid things that are bad for them and find things that comfort them. But what popular fiction never is, is a clear, intentional, professional, and universal guide.

 We already talked about how even the most horrible people will read novels where they resemble the bad guys and identify with the good guys instead rather than reflecting their own behaviour. That is, because narratives need stakes. The hero needs to be David, not Goliath. And we too see ourselves as Goliath, in our lives. Because there are always things that are bigger than us. And because we know that David will win.

 But sometimes...sometimes it is quite nice to feel like the giant. Especially when we’re used to feeling small.

 Sure “I like this villain because villains get to do things we want to but can’t” might seem like a tiny brained answer, but if you expand a little, there is truth to it: Sometimes I want to see someone go bloody ape-shit in response to trauma, injustice, being underestimated or forgotten. Sometimes I want to see someone just care about themselves and burn the whole place down and look fabulous doing it, because I know, that in real-life, very often it is sympathy and empathy holding me back for even insisting on minor and very rational things, simply because I don’t want to be a burden on others and because I prioritise other people very highly. There is catharsis in that; in seeing someone getting it out of their system in the most violent way possible just like there is catharsis in going for a run or punching the hell out of a punching bag when you’re frustrated even though you would never chase down and beat up a person.

Because even when see characters standing up for themselves - think of the infamous internet rage over Captain Marvel stealing that bike from the dude that harassed her – their actions are usually centred around punishing the culprit, not the emotions of the party that was wronged. But people got angry. Not because she stole a car, or because she stole it from a men even – but because her acting in response to sexual harassment connected the scene with deep roots of social context and political opinions and expectations.

And, despite hundreds, maybe thousands of films in existence where a white male protagonist steals a car or bike or anything else to save the day, she is read as a villain here simply for doing the rational thing. Much less could she have killed him and burnt down his house, because she is a hero and it doesn’t serve the plot and that would not be the thing a hero does.

A villain burning the whole joint down because someone looked at them funny is acting selfishly, self-centred. But what are you going to do, call them a villain? Duh. Complain about how what they’re doing is wrong? Well, yes.

 The lane of their actions is not narrowed by the actions of the culprit on the one side (heroes have to react appropriately and proportionally) and the expectations of the good-guy on the other (they have to act in accordance with forwarding the plot). Which means putting up with an asshole sidekick or apologising if they undergo character development that makes them a ‘better’ person and requires them to forgive someone). You might have your odd Logan who will throw a punch when he’s pissed – but here we already venture into the territory of an anti-hero.

And personally, our anger, our disappointment, all that will always be much more contained than any fictional space - by our financial situation, the people we depend on, our job, our studies, or family, our social circle. We live in a web of social expectations that we depend on every moment of our life.

Fiction itself also exists in a web of social context: What influence does it have on the audience? Will it sell? What implications does it have? How does it present its characters? Who is the author and what do they stand for? - but the fictional space, aka the world constructed in a novel, is wholly separate:

If I write a novel where I state that every Canadian person likes the colour blue and wears funny hats, then this is true in the universe of that novel, no matter what any Canadian reader might feel about it. This means two things:

1.       As writers, producers, and even as producers of fan-content, we have to be critical about what we put into the world, because by creating a fictional space, we create characters who cannot stand up against the things we say about them or make them do. Just like the superheroine in the skimpy outfit who gets her powers through the sun shining down on her nipples cannot have an authentic discussion about her body. And when young girls read our comic and see that all the male heroes are clothed and the heroine isn’t, then we are the one that came up with the sunshine-nipples.

2.       Our very own, personal interpretation of the novel – even our own - and the way we relate to it is our own. The feelings we project on the characters are individual, personal, and shaped by us.

And yes, villains usually see their comeuppance. And the thing is, many people argue here: “Well, it’s okay if the villain does x, as long as they’re punished for it.” But...that’s a difficult subject. A piece of fiction can condemn the actions of the villain without seeing them lose – the challenge to the writer is to still form a satisfying narrative, because the villain winning is the ‘likely’-seeming thing that every narrative subverts when the hero levels up and returns with her new friends to kick the villain’s ass. But even if you sympathise with the villain, seeing them win would still be an unsatisfying narrative, most of the time.

Because the whole point of an actual evil villain - and sympathising with an actual villain - is that what they’re doing is unjust. Malicious. Selfish. And projecting your desire to strike back or stand up on a villain and seeking catharsis through seeing them go wild and tear down the city needs the pushback. For them burning down the house to be satisfying, you need to see the house burn. For them to blow up the house of parliament to be satisfying – you must see the explosion.

And watching them lose provides the ultimate, necessary gravitas. Watching Team Rocket fly off with Pikachu and live happily ever after on Team Rocket money would not be satisfying. Watching our super-villain burn the world to a crisp with their death-laser would not be satisfying if they just end up getting their rocket and flying off while drinking space-mojitos.

Whether they end up being redeemed or not: The initial moment that someone fights back and defeats them at the height of their immorality and prevents the suffering of innocents is the moment that their willingness and readiness to commit violence is put to the test.

 We know the hero goes through a journey of their own - one that requires sacrifice and steels their commitment until they are ready to take on the villain. And knowing that someone is willing to make sacrifices to be able to take the villain down is the ultimate acknowledgement of the transgressive act the villain committed. Without it, it would be empty. Like watching someone punch the air.

But the truth is also that when you recreate the fictional space in another, secondary space – fanfiction, fan content, fanart – you decide what to focus on. Like, we all enjoy hurt/comfort stories, but they have a different intention than something focussed on action or the growth of the hero – because that requires for us to see the villain go down. The focus is no longer the transgressive acts of the villain – but to lay bare the pain that caused them. It is no longer about beating them down for the sake of justice.

Like, when I make a post about Frankenstein’s monster living happily ever after and people tell me that hey, the monster killed a lot of people - then we have a different premise. Because me not adding a line about the evil things the monster did to my post was based on the premise that you knew that random tumblr user langernameohnebedeutung does not condone the crime of murder because she posts about a 200-year-old book. And the #fact that my point doesn’t construct an ending where the monster stands in front of a judge and is sentenced to a certain time in jail or punished by a more heroic person is because I have daddy issues and seeing a giant creature go on a rampage through Europe to get back at its asshole Dad in a way I never could makes me quite happy the novel focussing on its acts of violence already did this and my post clearly had a different intention.

[scripttorture]

Sorry for the multiple asks. In Harry Potter, Neville Longbottom's parents were tortured to what I assume is catatonia by the cruciatus curse. Is this a realistic portrayal of the effects of torture, or does it involve some degree of magical handwaving? If realistic, then would you mind suggesting some avenues, both grounded in reality and more fantastical, by which their condition may be helped?

So I had a long answer written out for this and then it got eaten and I’d deleted my backup (both of them) and don’t you just despise technology sometimes? Join me as I scream into the void.

 Once more, from the top-

 No need to apologise for multiple asks. They are in fact encouraged. I’d rather you looked for answers to your questions then assumed you already know the answer. Thank you for coming to me. Thank you for taking an interest. It really does mean a lot to me to see people engaging with the subject. :)

 It’s been a long time since I read Harry Potter. From what I can remember I don’t think the books handled torture survivors well.

 I think this particular portrayal landed smack bang in ‘torture makes victims passive’. It was also pretty explicitly using that misconception about torture survivors being unable to live full, happy lives or make any kind of recovery.

 You could make the argument that these are magical, rather then the effects of torture. But I don’t think Rowling did any work to show that was the case. From what I can remember the stuff that’s actually in the books just suggests the curse causes pain and… that’s it.

 Which doesn’t stop you from trying to make a bad portrayal better.

 @scriptshrink is the mental health professional in the family and may disagree. From what I can remember I don’t think the description of the Longbottoms in the books was exactly catatonia. It seemed more like a combination of catatonia and late stage dementia to me.

 Which creates a bit of a problem for a narrative arc if you want to treat these characters in a more realistic way. Because catatonia is easily treated now with drugs and late stage dementia is… there’s basically no effective treatment. There are things patients can be given to slow the progression of dementia but what they’ve lost is gone. (I’ve spent quite a long time around people with various forms of dementia and I’m going to cite experience as my source there).

 The reason that’s an issue for a narrative is that there really isn’t a middle ground between ‘take this pill to recover’ and ‘there is no treatment at all’. And that’s not on you, it’s on the source material.

 So, suggestion time: I do have a few different ideas depending on what you want from a recovery arc and how you want to characterise Wizard culture in your story.

 Let’s assume that (like catatonia) this fugue state survivors of the curse are in is easily treatable. What happens when you take it away? When survivors are present, not dissociating and remember what happened to them?

 Well suddenly you get confronted with an actual torture survivor with all the loud, messy, complex mental health problems that implies.

 And if you don’t know a lot about mental health? Then it looks like you went from someone who is calm and ‘at peace’ to someone who is incredibly distressed and obviously in pain. It also means you went from someone biddable and ‘easy to handle/care for’ to someone who is exponentially less likely to put up with shit. Someone who demands explanations, cries hysterically, has panic attacks or flashbacks.

 With that sort of big visceral difference- A culture that doesn’t know how to deal with mental illness might well decide survivors are ‘better off’ in that fugue state.

 Because it would probably be easier to take care of a quiet, unemotional drone then to deal with trying to help someone with severe, complex mental health problems.

 With that kind of cultural background the dementia-like state might actually be the result of the treatment survivors are given. Because they’re ‘better off this way’.

 This would give you a much more traditional recovery arc in your story but by its nature demands a narrative discussion of how mentally ill people are treated by society. Which may not be something you want in the story.

 The other main suggestion I had was to treat this fugue state and this unrealistic depiction of memory loss as if it’s part of the curse itself.

 The cruciatus curse is supposed to be designed to cause the maximum amount of pain, so why not factor lasting generational pain into that? Stripping away important, foundational memories with longer use of the curse seems like it could be an additional terror tactic.

 ‘It doesn’t matter if they survive. It doesn’t matter if you rescue them. You’ll never get them back.’

 In that kind of scenario you’d probably end up with a different recovery arc, one that’s as much about magic as mental health. And I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing when you’re explicitly dealing with something magical.

 If you wanted a plot line involving some kind of magical quest this would be a really good fit. I think it would also work well with a more… straight forwardly heroic story? There’d be less of the cultural and moral arguments that are naturally brought up if you’re talking about cultural attitudes to different medical treatments. It would also be a good pick if you want to lean into the intelligence/research skills of some of the canon characters: a combination of cleverness and compassion resulting in a breakthrough that saves the day.

 I’ll finish off with a short general discussion about writing torture survivors realistically and writing them in fantasy.

 I’ve got a post on the common long term symptoms of torture here. And I’ve got a post on what memory problems look like in survivors here.

 We don’t have a way to predict symptoms. Different individual survivors get different sets of symptoms and we’re not sure why. Because of that variation I think that it’s best to treat symptoms as a writing choice.

 Pick symptoms based on what you think adds to the story and creates interesting narrative opportunities. If a symptom emphasises the themes in your story, creates good opportunities to show the readers something about the characters or makes for interesting conflict then it’s a good choice. Conversely if a particular symptom doesn’t appeal to you or you don’t want to write it for any reason, feel free to choose something different.

 I stress realism and writing survivors realistically. I don’t do that because I think fiction ‘must’ be realistic. I do it because the ways we choose to break with reality matter.

 And right now most of the ways we choose to be unrealistic tacitly support/condone torture.

 The majority of the time that’s not the author’s intention. I certainly don’t think it was Rowling’s intention here. (I’ll admit I haven’t been keeping up with her string of controversies but I don’t think active support for torture was ever among them.)

 But these tropes keep getting repeated. Partly because finding accurate information on torture is hard. It’s difficult to search for. It often costs money. A lot of it just isn’t translated (I’m actually saving up to get a bunch of core texts translated into English when the plague is over.) And oh boy do not get me started on the lack of inter-disciplinary communication because I will go off like an unplanned quench of an NMR’s super magnets.

 These are issues that hamper academic researchers to a huge degree. It’s no wonder they impact non-specialists trying to make sense of this mess.

 Having said all of that: I think that we should make space for metaphor and fantastical elements in our fiction.

 The issue is passing off tropes that are unrealistic and harmful as if they’re fact.

 I have significant issues with portraying torture survivors as passive objects. I think it really hampers general understanding of torture and ethical treatment of survivors today. It encourages people to think that real survivors are ‘faking it’ because they don’t look like the passive objects we see portrayed in fiction.

 That said, if a story explicitly states that what it’s doing is magical and unrealistic, it should be less of an issue.

 I do not think that’s what Rowling did in this particular portrayal. I think she presented a curse that the audience was supposed to read as only causing extreme pain and she linked that to the idea of pain turning people into passive objects. You can remove the magic from this scenario and it’s unmistakably torture apologia.

 But I can imagine alternatives where a fantasy story could separate these things out. It would be hard work and require a lot more focus on the curse itself.

 Say you have a fantasy story that takes one of the non-Western approaches to ideas about human souls. Particularly the idea that our memories and experience constitute a separate spiritual part of ourselves.

 Magic that stole and imprisoned that portion of someone would, by the logic of the magic system, create something a little like this catatonia/late-stage-dementia symptom set Rowling presents. And I think if that was presented, divorced from ideas about pain and what suffering ‘should’ do to people- Well it’s no longer really talking about torture. It’s talking about a fantastical scenario.

 We’re not really used to thinking through the implications of where we break with reality. But it does get easier with practice.

 I hope that helps. :)

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[ahiddenpath]

My Current Thoughts on Writing Fanfics

I’m so glad I’ve had this bloggity since 2012, because I can see how much my approach to writing has changed!  I wanted to touch base on where I am now, plus answer the most common questions I receive about writing fanfics beneath the cut.

Obligatory disclaimer: I’m a hobbyist writer, this is meant to be taken as opinion/reflection, not advice, different approaches work for different people, annnnd also check out my digimon fanfics (FFN and AO3).

How do I develop a regular writing habit?

I’d start by setting aside 15 minutes a day to write.  Don’t focus on word count- writing x number of words can be intimidating, but most people can sit for 15 minutes and get something down.  If you’re writing on a computer, turn off the internet and place your phone out of reach

Gradually increase the session length.

Never worry about the quality of your writing while you’re drafting.  That’s what editing and subsequent drafts are for.  I have a post on utilizing successive drafts to combat writing paralysis here, but the tl;dr is that the pressure to write a perfect story in the first draft often turns writing into an agonizing trial instead of creative play.

Your first draft is bad, period, at least compared to what it will be.  In the kindest way possible, get over it.  Your value as a writer- or as a human!- isn’t tied into your questionable first draft.  Please explore your story in the earliest stages with enthusiasm, not criticism!  You’re going to make it so much better by the time you’re finished!

How do you write so much?

See, here’s one of the biggest changes in my mindset compared to my early days as ahiddenpath.  I used to think that doing all of this writing was like... extra credit, like a stretch goal I pushed myself to achieve.  

I learned in therapy starting in 2018 that the reason I keep writing is because I have to.  I have general anxiety disorder, and my brain...  Have you seen an old-timey cartoon with a boiler?  They are drawn swollen, metal distorting with steam pressure, rivets groaning and popping free.  That’s how I feel if I don’t write.  Don’t ask me why or how, but writing is like turning a valve to release the pressure.

(Quick PSA- my therapist calls creative outlets “coping skills.”  If you feel like you have boiler brain, make time for your hobbies, no matter how tired you are.)

For me, writing is challenging play.  Although I’m often conveying messages that matter to me or exploring ideas I want to work through, and I try to make the best product I can...  I don’t take it seriously, and I don’t sweat over it.  I’m here to wander, play, and take care of myself.

So basically, I think the recipe for producing lots of writing is: regularity/habit (do it every day, even for just a little while), minimizing distractions, separating the processes of drafting and editing, turning off criticism in the early stages of drafting, and writing for yourself and your own needs.

 Do you feel embarrassed about writing fanfic?

Nope.  I write for my mental health/because it’s fun, period.  However, I also don’t tell people IRL that I write fanfic!  But I’m a private person (I don’t tell people IRL that I’m asexual, for example, and I only tell them I have anxiety if I freeze up in front of them).

Do you feel embarrassed about writing OCs/fakemon?

Hahahaha!  Look, I know there are lots of people who won’t read OCs and fakemon.  I know there are probably people who wish I would stick to more canon stuff (both in terms of OCs and my strong preference for AUs).

But I’m here to write what I want, and while it makes me happy when people read and enjoy my work...  It’s no skin off my back if they don’t.  I already fulfilled my goal of taking care of myself.

Don’t you want to get published and make money for your writing?

No, not at this time.  For everyone who has said that I have the writing skill to be published, thank you so very much.  That’s so kind, and I truly appreciate it!

But...  The United States has the enormous capitalistic attitude problem that endeavors are only worthwhile if they generate capital.  I can’t even begin to tell you how damaging this concept is- literally, I’m not equipped with the sociopolitical educational background.  

Sometimes I think I’d like to become a published novelist?  But sometimes I recall that I have a dope research gig, and I wanna play around with writing in my free time.

To be clear, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t pursue your creative career dreams!!!  And, who knows, maybe some day I’ll get tired of research and want to try swapping to the hobby/skill I’ve spent so much time refining.  Just...  Never stop doing something fun and harmless you enjoy because “it doesn’t make money.”  

I’m not gonna sit here acting like I know what the purpose of life is, but I think having fun and meeting your needs is pivotal.

Okay, so how can I support my favorite fandom content creators?

Bless you, f’real.  The easiest way is to comment on their stuff.  For meta writers, leave comments, engage, ask questions.  For fanfiction writers, leave reviews.  I have so many lovely folks who chat with me over Tumblr or discord after reading my stuff, which is so great.  But it’s hard to find those sweet messages later.  I can always click on reviews any time I need a little positive reinforcement/boost.  So, even if you’re going to talk to the writer later...  Leave that review!

If the content producer uses social media, reblog their stuff to give them more exposure.  Likes are for you, so you can find a post later.  Reblogs are for the creators, so other people can see their work.

Things like fanart, fanfic of fanfic, cosplays, and other... fan content of fan content make our year, I promise!  We love that so stinkin’ much!

Some fan content producers have a ko-fi and/or a patreon, so sometimes there are monetary ways to show appreciation.

If you’re intimated by a content producer, please remember that we are all massive dorkasauruses.  I absolutely guarantee it.

How do you have so many ideas?!

Ah, I have a Future Projects page on my blog- I don’t think pages work on mobile.

But here’s the secret: ideas are the easy part.  They are literally a dime a dozen.  Heck, there are AU generators!  Just pick characters out of a hat and use an AU generator and bam, you’re off!  And even then, you don’t need a real idea to start writing!  I launched Four Years on the thought of, “hahaha, wouldn’t it be a mess if the Chosen went to college together?!”

We’re writing fanfic; we’re here to play.  There’s no need to crush yourself with the expectation that you must write the next hit thriller plot.

In my opinion, the much better question is: how do you manage your projects such that you complete them?

So, uh, how do you manage your projects?

I’ve established that I write fanfic to play and to take care of myself, but I do want to grow as a writer along the way.  And the best way to learn how to craft narratives is to practice completing them.  If you launch stories over and over and only write roughly 1/4 to 1/3 of the way through the story...  All you’re practicing is how to start a story.

When I first started writing as ahiddenpath, I did exactly zero planning (see the Four Years reference above).  I ended up with longfics stretching as long as 400K+ words- that’s over six novels (based on the average adult fiction novel length)!!!!!  It is so daunting to work on longfics, because you feel like the ending is nowhere to be seen.

SO most of my pointers circle around always writing towards your ending, even before you start!

-Decide what you want to say with your story before you start writing.

First, “what you want to say” doesn’t have to be a big, grand theme.  It can be as big as “how the trauma of their adventures impacted them after” or as small as “I think these dorks would have a good time at laser tag.” 

I’m not talking about a detailed outline (in fact, I personally hate outlines).  Just know what your story is about and make sure what you write points to it.  If you can make the structure of your story mimic your theme, even better!  But no worries if that doesn’t work out, it’s not always possible.

-Write linearly

The best way to keep moving along in your story is just to... keep writing it in order.  This helps achieve regular updates, and prevents you from potentially “losing” material if you change your mind about the plot before reaching the bit you wrote already.  This happened to me so frequently that I stopped writing ahead of myself.  If I have an idea, I write it down, but I don’t draft future scenes.  In my experience, they often never see the light of day.

I’m told people often write the bit of the story they most want to write first?  If you have a single scene that you’re really longing to write, but you don’t know how to get there/don’t want to write the rest...  May I suggest that you... don’t write the rest?  If your scene works as a oneshot, write that oneshot!  Don’t torture yourself with a lot of writing you don’t want to do.  Most often, people end up forcing their way through 1-4 chapters, then stalling before ever reaching the Good Bit. 

A moment of silence for all of the unwritten Good Bits out there.  Now, some Enya.

If you can’t reduce Good Bit setup to a oneshot, reduce as much as possible.  I think that sometimes, people underestimate the incredible advantages of writing fanfiction?  Everyone knows your characters already, and maybe even the setting, if you keep it canon.  You can cut out the setup and dive right into what you want to do with the characters! 

-Think about the structure of your story before you start

Considering the structure of your story is a fantastic way to estimate how long it will be/ensure that there is an ending in sight from the start.  For example, in Voices, I covered a single school year in Japan, writing a diary entry for a different Chosen every day, so I knew that I would write the story for roughly a year.  After August had one chapter per Chosen, so each child could help Taichi deal with his post Adventure trauma in their own way, plus an opening and closing chapter.  My Tri story, Tri: Integrity Lens, is written and posted in installments covering each Tri movie.

It’s fine if no particular structure strikes you.  I could see forced structure turning into a gimmick, you know?  But if it naturally works out, it’s a great way to have a solid idea of how much story is ahead of you before you start, and where the story will end.  And being cognizant of how and when a story ends from chapter one yields a tighter, shorter fic, one that you’re more likely to complete.

-Consider writing in batches/sections before posting

So lately, I’ve been experimenting with how I deliver fanfic updates.  I mentioned that my Tri fic follows the Tri movies.  Each movie is covered with a few 3,000-6,000 word updates that I post every other week.  I cover an entire movie before posting any of it, and then I plan to take a break in between movies to work on either the next movie or a different fic.

AND THIS IS SO GREAT!  Having large chunks of my story written is such a fantastic way to do things!  I keep thinking of little details I can add/things I should mention and noticing inconsistencies I can fix before posting.  Giving myself a larger picture and time to mull over it by spreading out updates is making a huge difference for me.

Plus, giving yourself little breaks between installments can help keep you fresh and motivated, while leaving your audience waiting at a nice, natural stopping point.  Plus, this way they know that you haven’t just... up an vanished or dropped a story.  You’re just taking an announced break.

How do you plan stories?

I believe I mentioned hating outlines.  I personally respond best to “structured freedom.”  I focus on things like: what are my themes/what do I want to say, how will the characters grow or regress, how is this story structured or formatted, what is the overall tone and mood.  Other than that, I keep things fluid...  Which is why it’s so important for me to enforce some kind of ending point before I begin.

Basically, for me, too much planning = a boring slog where I can’t inject the moods and ideas of the day into my work without derailing meticulous plans.  Too little planning = longfic hell.  I’m guessing that everyone has to decide for themselves where they land on this continuum!  Exploration is vital.

Okay, I am out of steam for today.  If you have any other writing/fanfic questions you’d like answered, please let me know!  Here are some other resources I’ve made.

-Combating writing paralysis with successive drafts

-Dishing with an artist

-Tips for Fanfic Authors

-More Tips for Fanfic Authors

-Tips for Winning Nanowrimo

-Resources/Advice for Digimon Adventure Fanfic Writers

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #383

“the big bully try to stick his finger in my chest  /  try to tell me, tell me he’s the best  /  i don’t really give a good goddamn ‘cuz i got my lunchbox & i’m armed real well”

Ever had a friend online for a long time without seeing a photo of them? Well yeah. Most of my friends are online, and while I've seen pictures of most at least once or twice, some I still haven't. The last time you threw up, what caused it? It was a side effect of a mood stabilizer I started. Any foods from other countries you would like to try but haven’t yet? I'm sure there's something, idk. Do you think the world would be more peaceful without any religion? Yes. Have you ever had a stalker? No. Does it hurt your feelings when people talk shit about things you love? It makes me self-conscious way more than anything. I start to obsess over whether or not the person things poorly or weirdly of me for liking what I like. I just feel judged for liking it, but that's my problem. Do you like it when people give you nicknames? I do, actually. It feels kinda affectionate to me. Do you often find yourself checking out people’s butts? Haha I'm not gonna say it's never happened, but it's not something I make a habit out of for sure. What fandoms are you in? MEERKAT MANOR IS BACK BAYBEEEE, Markiplier, Silent Hill, Shadow of the Colossus, World of Warcraft, Spyro, Wings of Fire, and lots more, honestly. I'm into a lot of stuff, and I don't love in moderation, haha. Are there any fandoms you used to be in, but left? Yeah, like Supernatural, Good Mythical Morning, or Warriors, but it wasn't out of "I don't like it anymore" or anything, I just drifted away. Anything the fans in your fandoms do that pisses you off? World of Warcraft if particular has one of the most toxic fucking fanbases. There are so many goddamn elitists and people who whine about "boohoo WoW is dying" and "omg this game has been trash since Wrath" and yada yada yada and it's annoying as hell. They always find some shit to complain about. Then Silent Hill... ugh. I think people just hop onto the "the series sux after 1-4" bandwagon to fit in with a certain crowd, but that's not the main thing that annoys me; rather, it's the fact the former main admin of the SH wiki made a fucking joke out of us there. He was clearly having personal issues and made a HUGE and utterly ridiculous deal of Silent Hill 4 having heavy symbolism to the main character being obsessed with the bullshit idea of him being circumcised, and it led to a maaaassive thread of us members trying to talk some damn sense into him as he abused his power. He was finally banned by the Wikia staff, but not in time for some gaming websites to publish "news" stories about it because it was just that ludicrous. Now, YEARS later, we still get trolls coming onto the site to try and revive the drama by inserting absolute rubbish into pages or making new ones. Nowadays I'm the main administrator there, and it's fucking embarrassing sometimes. I'm supposed to keep the wiki under control and respected, you know? Ugh, I'll stop. I could rant for a very long time about this. Do you prefer ruffly or regular potato chips? Ruffly. Do you write down your own recipes, or just commit them to memory? I don’t cook. What color do you want to dye your hair? My top three are pastel pink, lilac, and a light creamsicle orange. I REALLY want to dye it SOMETHING. :( How do you like your chicken? Of course breaded (like nuggets, tenders) is my favorite, but I also enjoy is broiled and seasoned well. There's other ways, but because I don't cook, I, uh... don't know how a lot are made lmao. Do you enjoy cheese fries? UUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH YES. Do you eat refried beans? I absolutely hate beans, so no. What is a food you enjoy, but don’t have very often? A whole lot because a lot of it is from restaurants and we don't eat out all that much. As well, my diet is very narrow just because of how picky I am. Marilyn Monroe or Audrey Hepburn? Why? I mean, what are we comparing them for? I think Audrey is fucking gorgeous, though. Marilyn is also beautiful. Favorite fictional world? Uh, I dunno. Do you use lint rollers often? No. Do you carry pepper spray? No, but I want to. Has your power ever gone out for more than a day? I think so. Other than a dislike button, what’s something you wish Facebook had? Hm, I dunno. What time do your parents normally get home from work? Mom can't work right now, but I think Dad gets off around 5PM. Are you afraid to ask people out on dates? Yep. Do you think it’s better to look for love or let it find you? Both can work, but I definitely prefer to let it find me. I feel that *in general* that usually has better results. Have you ever found yourself worrying about commitment? No. I'm a very committed person romantically. Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already? No. Have you ever had a rash from poison ivy? I don't believe so, no. Do you have any chairs in your bedroom? No. Did you watch Elmo as a child? Some, yeah. Do you know anyone who doesn’t eat meat? I don't think so, off the top of my head. When you throw up, do you cry? No, but I'm a whiner and will also shake from fear because I have such a phobia of vomiting. Doing it totally turns me into a baby. Who was the last person to carry you? I couldn't tell you the last person to full-on carry me, but back when I tore a ligament in my foot, my mom kinda had me lifted when she would help me walk. Is it easy for you to accept loss? Absolutely not. I handle it very, very poorly. Have you done anything sneaky lately? No. Have you ever had a rolling back pack? Yes. Who knows you better than anyone else? My mom, probably. Would you ever want to go to Brazil? Sure, if the opportunity came up. Are there any medical conditions that run in your family? A lot, mostly heart problems. What band has the best guitar solos? Metallica imo. Who is the biggest jerk you've ever met? She was somehow my former best friend. Have you ever swerved off the road to avoid hitting an animal? I've never been in that situation, thankfully. What's a charity you would never donate to? I'm really not familiar enough with charities and their practices to know which ones are sketch or not. Have you ever grown your own herbs? No. Do you have any exes you'd consider dating again? Yes. What were some of your favorite classes you took in high school? Art and German. Mythology was fun, too. Do you know anyone with a profession in law? Yeah, I have a cousin that's a lawyer. Have you ever Googled yourself? Yeah, outta curiosity. What's the shortest amount of time you've had between relationships? Like, two days. Part of the reason I left Girt was because I liked Sara. As a child, what comfort foods did your parents make for you when you were sick with a cold or flu? Chicken noodle soup. What's a movie series where the sequel was better than the original? Ha, for some reason Inspector Gadget came to mind. I guess from mentioning my childhood. I was FUCKING OBSESSED with that movie as a kid. The first one's fine, but I love the second one. Does your car have heated seats? Mom's doesn't. What is the strangest pizza topping you've ever eaten? Nothing strange, really. Describe your hometown. What’s it like there? Small and dangerous. Lots of run-down areas. A gang nearly broke into our house once, if that helps you get the picture. What was the last video game you beat? I replayed Silent Hill 2 forever ago. What did you learn from your last failed relationship? It really just taught me that you need to take care of your own mental health before you can effectively handle another's properly and strike a healthy balance. What country does your favorite band hail from? Britain. What’s something on your to-do list that never actually gets done? Finish decorating my room. -_- Have you ever been really passionate about something but then lost interest? If so, what was it? Good Mythical Morning, I suppose. I used to be OB-SESSED. I still adore Rhett and Link as people, they are fucking wonderful human beings and excellent entertainers, I just drifted away from their content. I don't really know why. Do you sleep with the TV or the radio on? No. What’s the worst thing about being male/female (whichever you are)? Menstrual cycles, I'd say. It affects your mood so much, and as someone who's bipolar, it can be very confusing. I like to know why I'm feeling a certain way. What movie has the best special effects? /shrug How many work hours per week is too much for you? I wouldn't know, I've never really worked long enough to figure this out. Can you remember your first day of school? I think I have the faintest memory of it. I know I was very scared to leave my mom (I had absolutely awful separation anxiety from her) and I MIGHT have cried, but I don't really recall with certainty. Have you ever entered a modelling competition? Would you? No thanks. Did you keep any drawings/stories from when you were younger? Most, no, because the level of cringe is LITERALLY unbearable for me. Do you have a safe? Mom does somewhere. What’s the scariest thing to happen to you so far? The breakup. That night was just fucking terrifying. I was so certain my life was over, like the situation was so, so impossible in my head. What was your last dream about? (or your daydream if you don’t remember) My memory's faint, but I just remember I had a nightmare where a LOT of my bones were totally snapped in half. When was the last time you saw a relative? Excluding my immediate family, I last saw my now-departed grandmother and my uncle a while back at a hotel as they were passing through. Have you ever been in a TV audience? No. Are you in any way close to reaching a personal goal? Not really... Do you prefer crosswords or word searches? Word searches. Do you like making collages? Not really. Do you remember any inside jokes from childhood? No. What would you love to learn to do? Digital art, like drawing on a tablet. Do you prefer monkeys or lemurs? Lemurs. Do you watch movies based on the actors or the movie plot? The plot, 100%. Are you more shy in real life or on the internet? I am WAY more shy irl.

[juuls]

Pinned: Writing Updates

Hiya folks! ^_^ With this new pinned post feature, I figured it would be a good spot to put updates on how my writing is going (or not). As most of you know, mental and physical illness and recovery keep me from writing either quickly or easily, and I know that bothers or puts off some of you. Believe me, I feel guilty a lot of the time I’m not writing, but I know that nobody wants me to feel like this is a job, that I should enjoy what I do, and I try my best to just relax and let the writing come to me. It has always been a grueling task for me, and my words fight me, but I choose to see this as a labour of love. Thank you, everyone, for your support (and for holding up my fragile, rebuilding, self-confidence/ego :P). Managing chronic pain and illnesses along with fairly rapid-cycling Bipolar II makes things a bit messy, but I keep pushing because writing (and you amazing readers) means so much to me. 💜

UPDATE September 4th: see below “Read More”

Previous update, August 21st: Still only about 2400 words into chapter 28 of Cross, and I deleted Hurricane due to reasons but will be working on it bit by bit to instead post it as a single-chapter fic later on when people aren’t so busy anymore. Means I can focus on Cross though, which is all people want from me anyway. S’all good! Looking forward to moving that story along anyway.

Still have @grlie-girl’s Mansom fic, which is an MTH-adjacent fic. But then that’s it! Then I’ll start back up on Deliverance, my Stuckony kidfic, and keep moving Cross along. :) I’ve also been doing quite a lot of brainstorming for my original fiction series, which will be a combo SciFi-Fantasy series with magic and tech both, along with an eventual triad relationship! I’m really excited for it, even if it takes me decades more to write. xD

Works in Progress:

Hanging From a Cross of Iron: Fem!Tony Stuckony, time travel and soulmate AU. Just posted chapter 27 on July 19th! Yay! I’m about 2400 words into chapter 28 and I’m forging ahead as mental and physical health allows. But I think... maybe before the end of August? Thank you, everyone, for your kindness and patience!

Stony MTH fic for @ishipallthings: Fem!Tony Stony, Pacific Rim AU. Natasha Stark/Steve Rogers (Earth-3490) Get Together fic. @sparkly-angell is awesome and helping me by being a soundboard and beta. 5-15k. Will post it all together at a later date instead of chapter by chapter.

Deliverance: Stuckony kid fic, post-Avengers but in the alternate timeline that occurs after Avengers: Endgame. Have not forgotten about this, but it dropped in priority once I sorta over-committed myself to MTH, whoops. I’ll be back to this, though. :)

Gift fic for @grlie-girl, Mansom: (Marta/Ransom) from Knives Out. Dirty, filthy, femme!Domme Sugar Mama post-canon oneshot. I may need a second account to post this pile of filthy hot lava. ;)

Recently Finished Works:

Thread Work: Stuckony wingfic featuring Tony’s sister Darcy, written for MTH.

Ten Days: PepperStuckony bodyguard AU written for MTH for @tehroserose and @astudyinsolitude-writes.

Bad: a ShockStuckony get-together, meddling matchmaker Darcy fic, written for MTH.

I will try to keep this up to date but sometimes I’ll forget. Check back occasionally to see if I’m any closer to updating! I love all of my readers and commenters, and am so blessed to have you choose to read my work. Thank you so much. So so much. I’m sorry for the wait, but I’m a comeback kid, I promise. Sending love, and be safe and healthy and good to those around you.

Love, <3 Juulna

UPDATE September 4th: I’m going to put up a separate post, probably, but what’s going on is this... I obviously have Bipolar II and have learned to ride the ups and downs pretty well in recent years, even if some things still surprise me on occasion. But what I’ve never been able to properly treat or learn to deal with is anxiety. I’ve always had GAD (general anxiety) but it’s been untreated since I had so much other shitty health to focus on. Prioritization, right? And I needed all my faculties to not end up dead at the hands or by the gun of my ex. Then, after I left, I was making strides in recovering from the severe abuse and trauma at my ex-husband’s hands, sharp tongue, and actions from July 2017 until... well, it’s still an ongoing process, but this whole year, part of 2019 too, has been a lot better on the healing front. The strides I was making helped me focus on things other than my anxiety, but after dealing with those things, the anxiety started crawling insistently in.

Didn’t help that I finally felt up to checking out what was going on in the world more often. And it’s been good for me, it has... in that I’ve become better educated in the awfulness of the world, which has allowed me to call out racists, ‘Truthers’, and other asshole bigots who remind me of my ex. The downside of all that is that I am way over-empathetic and am appalled at the absolute.... *makes incoherent helpless noises*... just, appalled at EVERYTHING. And I am afraid. And worried. And angry. And a slew of other words that I’m sure every one of you get. You’re all intelligent; you know what’s going on in the world.

And sometimes I devolve into apathy, sometimes sleepless nights (I get about 16-20 hours of sleep a WEEK right now, which should be in the 40-60 hour range, frankly), increased pain on top of the fuckton I’m already in, worsening migraines, dizziness, and the intrusive thoughts of my bipolar depression keep telling me there’s an easy way out of this all. That’s when I knew I needed to do something. So sitting down with my loving father and my caring psychotherapist, I put together a list of my symptoms, what I wanted to tackle most, what I was willing to let go, how all of it interacted (cocktail medications, which I’m already on, can be dangerous and deadly), and then put together a proposal for my doctor, who’s been my family practitioner for two decades.

When you hit the point of panic attacks weekly, and not being able to sleep, even with a double dose of your sleep medication... when you don’t want to watch the things that bring you some modicum of joy for fear of aspects reminding you about the real world... when you wish you simply didn’t exist anymore... you need help. I needed help, and I won’t shy away from discussing that in a public setting, for the simple fact that someone who reads this might need to hear that it’s not the end all be all, not the end of the line, not the end of your life. So with the support of my father and my therapist, who I spoke to last night and this morning, respectively, in advance of my doctor’s appoint this afternoon... My doctor listened attentively to me and gave me permission to go on benzodiazepines again. I will be taking one daily, the one that doesn’t have nearly as great a spike of effect, but lasts longer and steadier, and will also be taking the other, spikier one, as the equivalent of a rescue inhaler for the next panic attack.

I’m not trying to hide from what’s going on in the world. But there is a line I need to learn to respect in how much news I look for, how I consume it, and how I let myself run away with myself at any injustice I see. And fuck, there is a lot. I will still be keeping abreast of the news, still educating myself, still engaging in discussions with people I trust to be kind to my mental state as best they can in the situation, and other things. This will simply make it so I don’t devolve into an incoherent mess of a breakdown/panic attack, and most importantly it will keep me from suicide. It’s never been much of a threat for me, but lately...? Let’s just say I am a bit more concerned than usual.

Gotta love brains, eh? Mental illness sucks. But this is one way I can take control. Other ways include the Nutrisystem diet I recently started, going for regular walks with my pupper and dad, reading 42 Sci-Fi/Fantasy books and counting in 2020, breathing exercises, removing harmful elements from my life even if that pains me in the moment... I’m making progress in other areas.

But what does this mean for my writing? Well. Good question. The last few times I took the stronger of these two medications (on a more daily, vs rescue, basis), well, I didn’t write hardly at all. I have hopes for being able to write during this, with the more steady medication, but I also have to feel happy to write, and the state of the world isn’t going to give me much opportunity to feel that for months yet, if not years (go and goddamn vote)... so yeah. But I realized that I don’t put myself first in big ways like this. And this time I need to. If the writing happens, that’s wonderful. If it doesn’t? Well, I’ll settle for less anxiety and not being dead, and I hope that that’s okay with y’all. I know it’s frustrating when a favourite author takes ages to update, and I’ve always been fairly guilty of that... but you all know that I ALWAYS come back. That’s what I do. I love this community, this fandom, my beta, my readers... you make it all worth coming back to.

So please, all I ask is that you be patient with me. I’m experiencing a pretty severe mental health crisis and not holding on too solidly. But I’m thinking of you. Thinking of all of you, and just how much I appreciate you.

With love,

Juulna / Meg

[gemini-system]

If you're a friend or a mutual that cares, please read if you like. Sorry it's a novel long..

TLDR: I have a split personality disorder. Please accept me for who I am. (Though I would really appreciate you reading this)

There's a lot about my battle with mental health that I never told a single soul, despite being an open book pretty much all of the time. There were things even I never told anyone about, or maybe only hinted at, because I either had no name for them and could not explain that, or just plain fear not a single person would believe me, or think that I just wanted attention.

A couple months ago, I met my current boyfriend, and upon opening up cautiously for the second time about these issues, was finally given a name for them, and what I could do to make life easier living with them, and it changed everything. I was originally gonna just drop an explanation in my friends group chat since I haven't talked to them in a long time and wanted to give a life update, but dropping it all just felt like kind of a lot and I still have the anxiety that they won't believe me. So I'm talking here instead (I'll probably link this to them) But I just have to let it all out, and this is my only non-streaming centric account that is not linked back to on any of my videos, so I feel like I can dump it here.

To brass tax:

Starting at the end of middle school, I started developing symptoms of a sister illness to DID (multiple personality disorder). This sister illness is little known about and while it doesn't have a concrete name, some call it Division. Division is when, due to trauma, a set of bottled up emotions, ideas, and anxieties form into a split personality with it's own identity and can manifest in various ways, pretty similar to DID. The thing is with these illnesses, since everyone who has them experiences them differently in their own way, it's hard to know EXACT symptoms. And that, coupled with the fact all my google searches bring up nothing about it, is why I have always feared no one will believe me.

"Why Division? Why not just say you have DID?" I was told, in order to have DID, there must be two separate and distinct personalities from the host. And so I would not qualify because I have only one separate personality. If I am wrong about this, I have no issue with you sending me a polite ask about it, as it would be a lot easier to just say "I have DID" and tell ppl to do their own google search lol.

Fair enough, so why do I have all this anxiety my loved ones won't believe me?

Here is the part where it might get a little cringey to some, but I am an artist and writer, and all my life, art has been the way I express all my feelings and vent things without having to state them outright.

I had always feared being a bad person. From the trauma of the CSA I endured for 2 years, from gaslighting, to my father verbally abusing and threatening me and my mother with physical violence from a young age, I feared being a bad person more than anything else.

Every time I got angry, or talked back, or even just tried to stand up for myself, I feared I was or would become a bad person, and I thought to myself that I just needed to take all of those things I deemed bad, and put them into something or someone else so that I would no longer fear being a bad person. This other thing could be bad so I wouldn't have to "risk hurting people I loved" I had no idea what 'splitting' was or that I was even doing it. And that personality began to form.

As I began to draw more often, my symptoms surfaced simultaneously. "Hearing" thoughts in my head that weren't mine (not really hearing but it's hard to explain), horrible intrusive visions and thoughts, and then finally a little ways down the line swapping with eachother time to time, and another occurrence I call "snapping" where I swap suddenly out of anger or distress and lash out at others or have some kind of meltdown. I learned how to fight and control the swapping, I tried with all my might to make sure no one ever found out I was "crazy". Even my therapists. As for snapping, I couldn't control it, so he mostly came out that way.

I needed to vent through art somehow or I was going to explode. He had named himself, and told me what he looked like, and so I basically started a game of 4D fucking chess and told everyone "this is my new OC haha" and started from there, deciding to take a fan comic I was making, and rework it to put him at the center and make it original. I figured toting him as just a character I created that was important to me was easier than trying to explain or possibly have to prove to people that I had a split personality who was very real, with his own identity. I thought maybe I cold vent without people thinking I was crazy or some kind of special snowflake. 

Looking back it's kind of funny because a lot of my venting was pretty on the nose with hints all over, so I'm surprised if at least one person didn't pick up on it lol. At one time during a breakdown, I even tried to explain that "Jet is mean and starting to scare me" and then realized my friends confusion as they reassured me he was a fictional character I made up. Which totally wasn't their fault because I totally dug that hole myself. I just felt a compulsive need to hide everything I was really going through.

For those who know about the character Jet, you may be a bit concerned because he is written to be a serial killer, but from years of writing development, Let me tell you, he is very overwritten and the Jet from the story is pretty different now from the "real" Jet in my head. If he wanted to actually end someone he would have done it by now and landed my ass in prison. He's mostly just a bully and goblin.

This post is already years long, so I won't bore you with our life story, especially if you think I'm making it all up. So here's my conclusion.

I hope you believe me, and accept me for who I am. This is the full and honest truth, and is a huge part of me that I just don't want to hide anymore. I want to be able to talk about my experience without sugar coating and leaving out information. I like being an open book, and this secret has been killing me. It took a lot of courage to type this all out to the world. I wouldn't mind telling you about our life together, what he's really like, and all the things I've learned from this strange, stressful, and sometimes wonderful journey.

If you don't believe me, that's fine. You can call me a liar, or say I'm delusional, or leave me. I'll never talk about it to you again, and I can just keep hiding it around you. I truly hope you realize that this is my truth.

Thank you for your time.

[hostiias]

MENTAL HEALTH WITH NIM: DID

           Hey sweet peas! Nimbus here and I have what’s known as DID!! What is DID you ask? It’s short for Dissociative Identity Disorder !! It was known as multiple personality disorder until the 90′s--when they gained a better understanding and changed the name. You don’t have to read this, but it would mean a whole awful lot to me if you did!

       First a disclaimer! DID is unique to everyone like many disorders and while some core facts are the same, please not I only have one experience and one side of this multi-faceted disorder!

         DID is formed in ages 7-9 and only in this stage of childhood. It is caused by repeated and/or extreme trauma. The person who has developed DID (aka me!!) will have no memory of their childhood. That’s right! I don’t remember anything--and any memories I have are vague and fuzzy, like they happened to someone else. I only have one very clear memory--but I only recovered it fairly recently via therapy.

           That brings us to our next issue--DID causes severe memory loss. I’m not talking a few hours--Im talking losing days, weeks, months, and even years. I’ve had to work very hard with my disorder and therapy to get a better handle on this loss of time--but that’s still fairly recent and I do still lose time. The reason I bring this up is because I might not remember a conversation we had--or something I was supposed to do for you.

            I forget birthdays, anniversaries, important dates, etc so much--like i don’t even remember my mums. Bits and pieces of my life are like shadows in my mind and I have to do some digging and info-seeking to find it out. It’s very difficult and I feel very guilty about it...so please never take it personally if I don’t remember something. It’s not because I don’t care , but because my mind is literally fragmented.

           Expanding on that--DID is a defensive disorder created by your mind to try and protect you from your trauma. So you know how in 7-9 your ‘parts’ of personality are slowly integrating to create you? The trauma disrupts this and your parts stay separate, creating alters. These alters often create their own personas; become their own people. The bugger thing is, once you’ve split--you can do it later again when you’re older. That’s right! If I’m traumatized enough, it could cause me to split again--because now my brain has recognized this ‘split’ as a defensive tactic.

             I’m pretty lucky that because I’ve been getting therapy (and FINALLY got a diagnosis; like I’m medically diagnosed with this disorder) I’ve been able to avoid further splits. At this time I have eight alters I am aware of whom I communicate with almost like a family; this is how I’ve been able to cut down on my memory loss. It’s still a bit like watching myself through tv, but at least I’m more aware of what happened.

              Some quick terminology!!

Protector: an alter who keeps the system safe

Alter: The ‘part’ that split.

System: The name for the collective unit of alters and host/original.

Host: the alter who is living the individuals life most of the time, might not be the original.

Original: the individual who was originally traumatized and ended up with DID. (I am both the host and the original).

Gatekeeper: Someone who monitors what alters are allowed to interact with the rest of the system and what memories are allowed to be accessed. If there are Persecutors in the system, they keep them at bay.

Persecutor: An alter who often exhibits the behavior of the person who was abusive/caused the trauma. Usually only harmful to the system itself. It is rare for persecutors to cause harm to outside individuals, but they may say cruel things.

Internal self-helper: An alter who is mostly on in the system that makes sure everyone is where they need to be; aka sort of like the maintenance guy.

Trauma holder: An alter who holds the memories of the trauma that cause their split.

Little: An alter who maintains the appearance and mindset of a child; usually the result of the initial trauma from ages 7-9.

Non-human: An alter who is not human. Can be a mythical being but is typically an animal presenting alter.

Fictive: An alter who has the ‘memories’ and personality of a fictional person as well as their appearance and name.

Headspace: This is an internal world sort of like Sherlocks ‘mind palace’ from the BBC show where all the alters can interact with each other and ‘live’. How it appears is different for everyone–my headspace is a cabin in the woods.

Age: Alters can be the same age as the orginal or older/younger. They are, essentially, their own people in many ways.

Co-existence: A therapy method in which you learn to live and function with your alters (this is the therapy I use)

Integration: A form of therapy where the original and/or host begins to integrate the alter into their singular personality (aka going through the process that was disrupted in childhood). This can also occur between alters.

      I have a very good relationship with my alters but it wasn’t always this way. I’ve had a lot of issues in the past with varying personality traits, time loss, etc. I’ve even had a few toxic relationships in which I was the toxic party--partly due to not having a good handle on what was going on. Now no one should use this as an excuse! I am as at fault for my alters actions as I would be if they were my own so don’t let anyone excuse bad behavior with ‘my alter did it, not me!’ because they can absolutely work on getting a better handle of them.

        I will say that people with DID who have not gotten a better handle on their alters deserve your grace and patience where you feel you can give it; it’s frightening to know that sometimes there’s basically a whole other person driving your body. You don’t need to, nor are expected to excuse harm--but hopefully you can at least offer some understanding--because that’s all any person suffering from this disorder can ask for. It’s especially hard when you’re undiagnosed and have no idea what’s going on--only that something is wrong (I speak from experience here hhh--)

        You ready for another term? Ok so alters often will ‘front’, this is like to say if you were driving a car--whoever is fronting is driving the car. The car is your body (obviously). So if you’re in the passenger seat, you probably still are aware of what’s going on, even if you’re no longer in control--if you’re in the backseat you have a vague idea of what’s happening, but it’s not really clear to you--you’re there but removed. If you are in the trunk you have no idea what’s going on--you’re completely blind to anything being said or happening. Even when I (Nimbus) am not fronting, I’m typically in the passenger seat anymore--but I used to only be in the back seat or the trunk...so it’s taken a year or so of work to get here.

           This is a disorder that is very important to me to talk about because I don’t wanna feel ashamed or crazy of something my brain did to protect me so I’m gonna be more vocal about it here! You are welcome to ask myself or my alters questions in IM’s or in my ask box! You may not however ask about my trauma, that’s just rude and unkind. I can also send you resources for people who talk about DID that I feel are trustworthy in their info. My disorder is nothing to be ashamed of and I’m happy to share it with you!

          Below is a list of seven of my alters whom you may ask questions as well!

Roxas: Main protector. 26. He/him. True neutral. aro/ace. coffee addict. Teasingly known as ‘sk8r boy’. Not related to the kh roxas. Like sunsets, coffee, snap backs, and hiking. Pitches my voice down a bit.

Dimitri: Physical protector/gatekeepr. He/him. blunt/asshole. some sort of chaotic alignment. 25. Means well but could stand to be a little gentler about things. Likes leather, alcohol, dancing, and fighty-aesthetics. Pitches my voice down a lot.  

Sage: Caretaker. he/him. 31. the mom friend. Will make you tea and listen to all your problems. Will suggest good books. Lawful good. Likes soothing aesthetics, once upon a time, tea, sweaters, leggings, and classical music. Talks in full and VERY formal sentences. Has a softer tone than me.

Salem: Internal self-helper. 21. he/him. really sunny personality. lawful good. genuinely a good person. minor anxiety. likes exercise, healthy foods, and bubbly music. Has a country bumpkin british accent (kind of?). Will call you ‘love’ or ‘lovey’

Koumei: Caretaker. he/him/they/them. 23. genderqueer. “lets talk about how that feels”. Makes sure i’m honest during counseling sessions. Likes crop tops, those cloth elephant pants you see in hipster stores, yoga, tea, east asia aesthetics, and meditative music. Whisper-talks. SHY.

Carter: Gatekeepr. he/him. 18. ace. grumpy/moody teenager. awkward phase. ‘lol bold of you to assume I process anything’. Stays in room almost 24/7. blunt. likes video games, beanies, hoodies, jeans, sneakers, and sleeping during the day. Doesn’t change my voice really.

Bubble: non-human. Some sort of fairy? Genderless but uses he/him. Likes to look like a meow wow cause they make me happy. Age is a mystery. Can appear human and typically chooses a little boy. Lets have a good time everyone!! Like to color, play games, do child-like things/watch child-like shows. ‘reconnect with your inner child nim!’. LOUD and BUBBLY.

Thank you for reading and again if you have any questions for us let me know !! I love you all <3333

[someventingspace]

Declaration of Independence-Grievances Against the Ex

Honestly I really hate you and I hate that I ever felt any other way and like it’s been 3 months but I still am in pain and sure I know far better than to ever want you back bc dear god I fucking hate you with every ounce of my being but I still feel a twinge if pain when I see you and remember that I used to love you and used to see myself being with you forever bf thought that was the face I would wake up to when I was old and grey and I’m absolutely disgusted that I ever thought that and that you ever let me and I’m angry that you used me very blatantly. I’m angry you lied to me. I’m angry that I’ll never know how long you were lying. I’m angry that I believed you. The fact that you ended it the way you did is absolutely despicable and I want you to know that that is absolutely unforgivable. I never want to see you again. But I hate that at the same time here’s a part of me that would run back into your arms and kiss you if you gave me the chance. I hate that part of me. That part won’t ever take over, ever. I’ll make sure of it. My hatred is too strong. You hurt me too bad to ever be let back in. So it’ll stay and just make me hurt every once in a while when I’m least expecting it. I know you’re not hurting as bad as I am. In fact you’d have no right to be. I’d be angry if you were. You aren’t allowed to set yourself on fire then complain that you’re hot especially when I’m the one that you drenched in gasoline. I hate that you exist. You had no right to do anything that you did to me. You’re disgusting. There were things that you knew were important to me that you blatantly disregarded. You were selfish. So unbelievably selfish. I can’t even come up with a comparable fictional character to be quite honest. You really liked to pretend you cared about me but looking back it was so very clear that you only cared about yourself and were unwilling to make any measure of sacrifice. I know that you cheated. You cheated. You can deny it all you want but we both know it’s true. With which person I may not be exactly sure but I definitely have it narrowed down to three and honestly I know it could have been any or all of them. I didn’t so much as look at another guy or girl the entire time we apart because I was so stupidly devoted to you. I trusted you and I really wish that for once you had let me be right about something. I wish you hadn’t blamed our issues on my mental health issues—the ones I was actively trying to fix. I stopped going to you with these problems because I really didn’t want to burden you because I knew you were struggling and I literally BEGGED you to come to me with any issues you had because hell if anyone could help it would be me. I’d been through it all. But you never made me feel like I could come to you. I was scared to go to you. I’m disappointed in you for not letting me be involved in trying to fix us. I’m ashamed of you for thinking you could be in charge of all of this yourself and making me feel secure when I asked about the state of our relationship then a day later telling me it was actually crushed to bits. You decided that your decisions were far more powerful than mine. That’s not how relationships work and you’re going to go through so many relationship struggles because of that so good fucking luck dude. I told you I had issues with some things you were doing and you said you’d stop. Then you didn’t. You kept going and made me feel like I’d be a bad girlfriend if I asked you not to. You weren’t you. You were just waiting for a reason to break up. You were just to much of a coward to come up with a problem yourself so you waited for me to bring one to you. You are such a fucking wimp. A loser. A goddamn coward. You’ve spiraled me into constant hate and anger and I hope you know that you are not welcome to see me ever again.

You were never a good boyfriend to me. Through the occasional romantic gesture you managed to give me the illusion that you were but looking back there’s no reason you should have made it even close to the whole 1 year, 2 months, and 14 days you were with me. You treated me horribly. You made me feel worthless. You made me feel like an object. You ignored me. You kept me in a box separate from the rest of your life. Why didn’t I really ever know your friends despite you knowing mine? Why’d you try and keep me so far from the new people you met? Why’d you like a bunch of her Instagram pictures from before you two even met? (By the way though, tell her that her song on Spotify is actually really good. She has a really pretty voice and that song is honestly one of my favorite songs rn. I hate you. I don’t hate her.) Why’d you treat me like an idiot? I’m not as oblivious as I used to be. So you were scared and ran I guess. Some have told me that maybe you left because you were intimidated by the fact that I had accomplished so much more. I really hope that’s not the case because dude that’s so fucking shallow and if it is true get the fuck over it. I guess in that case you were more like my dad than I thought. Congratulations I suppose. Maybe you guys should hang out sometime. I think you’d get along just fine now that I’m seeing this side of you. I’m honestly really sad about some of the connections you caused me to lose because of your horrific choices. Believe it or not I actually grew to really love your family. I cared a ton about your grandparents who were literally the sweetest people I had ever met. And I never get to say goodbye or thank you or say prayers when things get bad for them. I hate that you took that. The last day I saw you? I saw you for about 20 minutes before I spent the rest of the day hanging out with your family where honestly I enjoyed myself more than I had during the rest of that weekend with you. Your parents were not bad at all and your brother is frickin hilarious and your older little sister is honestly really frickin cool and honestly if you hadn’t crushed me I probably would’ve talked to her more after that. But you couldn’t see that now could you?

For these reasons I am hereby declaring myself independent of you. I hope I never have to interact with you again from here on out and honestly I hope that there’s someone out there that can spot your bullshit and keeps you from doing this ever again. I know I deserve far better than you. You were right about that much. You can’t give me what I need. I need someone who will answer my texts and have me as a priority. I need someone who will hug and kiss me in public. Not make out in public, just kiss. You couldn’t do either of those. I need someone willing to work for a relationship. I need someone who won’t run at the first sign of struggle. The next one will involve me in all aspects of their lives. They’ll listen to me. They’ll bring me some fucking flowers once in a while (they don’t even need to be store bought like literally they can just bring me some pretty ones they found growing off a road and I’d be thrilled). They’ll treat me as an equal and encourage my success. They’ll actually be excited when I accomplish things and take interest in the things I do. They’ll be a frickin fantastic S.O. They’ll be the exact opposite of you. I know you’ll probably never see this. Part of me wants you to. Another doesn’t. I never mentioned your name or anything identifying but oh my god if you read this you’ll know it’s you I’m talking about and I hope you enjoy the fact that I’ve moved on and will never EVER take you back. I hate you. But you chose this for yourself. I pray—for the sake of your friends, family, future spouse, and the kids that will one day call you dad—that you’ll change this. I want you to be a the better person that I know you probably can be. There was something there that I used to love. I hope you foster that part of you because the world doesn’t deserve the monster that is your current self. I’m free, bitch. And honestly, even though I’m in pain I’m still somehow happier than I’ve ever been.

[alteredphoenix]

Daemon Familiar Prologue (Original Fiction)(WIP)

A/N: This is a chapter I found in my current USB drive under the folder for Daemon Familiar, the saga of some of my OCs such as Airi and Iryna, among others; you may be familiar with them in passing from the art I’ve done of them. The date on this is listed as 02/11/2019, around the time when the conceptual process moved away from how it began as a Tales of Berseria fanfic to its previous incarnation as a story with demons and magic and all manner of beings fantastical that, in some iterations written down in one notebook from 2018-2019, would be removed altogether and pave way toward an endgame that involved the world becoming Earth in the 1800′s or 1980′s.

I hated that particular conclusion, the idea of separating fantasy from reality; it sank my mental health and I found it too depressing to invoke The Magic Goes Away trope. I always liked my fantasy the most when it’s mixed with science fiction trappings - or about as science fiction as you can get into a fantasy setting. After all, the world we live in is pretty boring and mundane; why take the magic away? So I had to scrap that incarnation while still maintaining, quite steadfastly, that the demons must stay; they must be integral; without them, Daemon Familiar would just be another bog-standard sci-fantasy story.

I can’t really get too much into how much this prologue plays into the meat of the story without it treading into spoiler territory (I wanted to say ‘the first book’, but my intention is to write my stories as akin to light novels, so perhaps ‘introduction arc’ would be a better turn of phrase). In fact, I’m not sure if this is what I’d like to finalize; this was written as a possible, potential prologue that would segue into the arc’s endgame that would send ripples throughout the story. But for archival purposes I wish to put it up here, and purposes later on I will decide if this is a chapter I want to finalize, or retool it, or consider it unused and look for another way to introduce the prologue.

Daemon Familiar, shockingly enough, has its origins rooted in mecha. Well, it’s not actually mecha, but Magic Knight Rayearth did play heavily into fleshing out its current incarnation as a story of humans and daemons coexisting in a world without a Demon King for millennia, and how that shaped history. However, MKR helped develop Airi’s familial backstory more (sans isekai); the prologue, on the other hand, was meant to evoke the introduction scene from The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind. I find that to be a much more effective opening than the one in Skyrim that’s been memed to hell and back so many times I get physical, psychic whiplash every time I see it (I would sooner satirize Skyrim’s opening than give it credence where it’s due.)

In this piece, Airi dreams - Maybe. Caught in the veil between wakefulness and sleep she sees Iryna from afar, who greets her, and may or may not remember the conversation afterwards.

-

"Hey.

"Hey—wake up.

"Open your eyes. Look at me.

"Ah. There we go. That's it. Can you hear me? Can you see me?"

She did not, for her vision was a blur and the water, while not abysmal and murky, cast the world in a cool, blue embrace. There were bubbles everywhere: round, clear spheres big and small that caught the light. They did not move. Neither did the water, though she could hear it rushing, roaring, in the distance, quiet and muffled.

She exhaled, yet not a single bubble flew from her lips. She blinked, once, twice, and moved her head up and slightly to the left, in the direction where she heard the voice.

A girl was standing in front of the light, small and backlit.

She tried to sit up. She could not so much as move her arms or legs, feeling them to be leaden and unresponsive. She craned her neck forward, as much as it would allow, and peered at the girl. Shrouded as she was in obscurity, the light caught some of her features: her round, cherub-like face; the bell-shaped dress; the open parasol reclined against her shoulder; her blonde hair.

"Hey, you," said the girl, a touch fondly. "Do you remember me?"

There was a name on her tongue, as familiar as her own, and she parted her lips to speak it. Nothing came out. Even the very thought eluded her. She continued to breathe.

A tired sigh. "Yeah. I figured as much. It's been a while." She saw the girl raise a hand to scratch at her cheek. Or maybe she was tucking away a strand of hair; it was hard to tell. "You look good. That's good, that's good. Hey. Listen. Keep it up. Don't stop taking care of yourself, okay? Take some time to get away from everything; the others can look after themselves. And if they can't...well," she seemed to shrug, "Streya will make sure of it. But you already know that. No point in me telling you this twice."

Her eyelids cracked open a little wider at the name. Again she made to sit up, to no avail.

"Hey, none of that now," said the girl. "Everything's fine. Come on. Do you really believe she'd let them fly off the handle while you're away? You can't be everywhere at once, you know."

She breathed in, breathed out, releasing another stream of water that looked but did not taste nor feel like water. The world was weightless. There was neither grass nor sky to be found. Only the light, shining from some unidentifiable point of origin, provided the necessary luminescence.

She inhaled, deeply, slowly, and tasted the scents floating on the air: Wood smoke. Fresh rain. Clipped grass. Cooked beef right off the griddle. Metal. Exhaust fumes. Wildflowers.

A hint of something, soft and sweetly fleeting, like the start of a fire from the strike of a flint. It was an ember that grew into a tiny flame that spread from the core of her belly to the roots in her chest.

She snatched it, held it, and did not let go.

A gasp, soft and quiet, escaped her. Her eyes became heavy. Focus bled away and drew upon itself in a mire of colors.

The light began to fade.

The girl appeared to be nodding; she seemed to be moving farther and farther away. "I'll come visit you again soon, alright? You just do your thing. I'll be here before you know it. So don't neglect yourself while I'm gone, alright? Don't forget."

I won't forget, she wanted to tell her. I'll take care of myself. She opened her mouth again, and still nothing issued forth. She breathed in the sweetness, the cool mountain air, the tang of extracted sap and stones baked in the hot noon sun. She filled her lungs with it. Her head buzzed warmly and she laid it down upon the expanse of shifting blue and yellow beneath her. The contact set her skin alight with an electric tingling that quickly numbed and settled in her bones.

She closed her eyes and sensed more than felt herself shift onto her side and curl up in a ball. An invisible hand fell upon her head, stroked once and pressed down, down, with a gentle ease that was almost maternal.

She tucked her head to her breast and breathed deep.

"Sleep, Airi," she heard the girl say. "Just a little longer. I'll be back. I promise."

Then she was gone.

Airi breathed, and drifted...

Drifted...

Sank...

[eminentfocus]

Stranger Than Fiction

“I’m such an idiot!  I can’t believe I said that!  They must absolutely hate me!  How will I ever recover from this?  I hate it here!”  We all do it.  I’m guilty too.  No one is immune to automatic negative thoughts.  We all toss around these negative thoughts to allow us to imagine potential threats and problems.  It is literally in our survival DNA to come to the worst-case-scenario.  This gives us an opportunity to correct our behaviors to avoid harm, it’s necessary.  We learned about a piece of this neural network last time, when we talked about loneliness.  Today, we will really examine the sneaky little cognitive distortions that lead to chronic stress and body trauma.  To do this, we must look at the story we tell ourselves to recognize our automatic negative thoughts.  Ready for the dive into the rabbit hole?  Here we go!

90 percent of the thoughts we have are habitual, that is, we have the same thoughts, daily, for the majority of our lives.  What is shocking is that most of those thoughts are negative.  Research has concluded that these negative thought patterns change the physical brain and our overall health.  Any study done on chronic stress will prove this point repeatedly.  The problem with automatic negative thoughts, or ANTs, is that they become habitual at a neurological level.  We are literally creating physical neuro pathways to change the structure of our brain and thinking patters each time we engage with these thoughts.  After some time, our behaviors and beliefs of logic change.  Our mind convinces us that something is true that has no accuracy.  Yikes!

Dr. Aaron Beck discovered “ANT thought streams” way back in the 1960’s when he was working with depression patients.  They had very similar thinking patterns and stories that they told themselves about how they “fit into” the world.  They had streams of thoughts in their heads most of the day about how they were not fit for the world and that they aren’t deserving of anything positive.  He was able to narrow down thousands of repeat thoughts and separate them into three clear categories: They displaced negative ANTs about themselves, the world and the future.  He quickly realized that the basis of these negative thinking patterns created a level of stress equal to a natural disaster for both our physical brain health and our mental well-being.  Today, I will tell you that noticing your own personal ANTs and employing some tools to challenge and control them is an amazing return of investment to yourself.  Turning off this useless, debilitating, negative chatter is one of the most powerful things you can do for your well-being.  You are worth it, I promise!

Today I will break down the nine most common ANTs so that we can recognize when we may be off the rails.  I will also give you four main tools to add to your toolbox that just may change how you think about most of the world.  I advised you that this would happen here, so let’s just rip off the band-aid and get on with it, shall we?

Black and white thinking.  We have already touched on the beast I like to call the “should monster”.  This guy is the president of the always and never club.  He tells us that things will always be this bad and that it will never get better.  He completely misses all the good opportunities.  He’s a jerk and a set-up.  Quiet him!

Focusing on the negative.  We all get into funks sometimes where everything just feels blah.  Sometimes someone cuts us off in traffic and the entire rest of the day is a steaming pile of shit.  Everything goes wrong and everyone is annoying.  Noticed that?  It’s not the world hunty, that’s you!  Do the roses have thorns or do the thorn vines have roses?  It’s up to you!

Fortune telling.  No matter what they say to you, you know you will suck.  You will bomb and everything that you imagined going wrong truly will.  No one can change your mind, even yourself.  You finish the project and get great reviews, yet still, you believe it failed.  It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy at this point.  See why you cannot get a different result here?  You have decided to turn off your logic for fortune telling, why?  Stop that.  No one is that damn powerful!

Mind reading.  “Oh, boy!  I know they hate me!  I can see it in their face.  They look bored and pissed!  Ugh!  I know they absolutely cannot stand me right now”.  Did you ask?  Did you ever stop for a second and say, “hey, what are you thinking about”?  I bet if you did you would learn that most people are thinking about their own ANTs a lot more than they are thinking about you.  I know that probably stung a little, but the fact is that most people think about us way less than we think they do.  Most times when they think about us, it is not in a negative light, but because they need help from us.  Proven fact.  Believe it!

Thinking with your feelings.  You will hear me say it until you are sick of it: feelings are not directives, only warning signs.  We need them but do not always need to act on them.  It is okay to label and call out our emotions to try to reflect on the why, but this is where it must stop for your sanity.  If you spend too much time here you create physical neuro pathways, remember earlier?  Why the danger label?  When you lay these pathways, you go from feeling something to actually becoming the feeling.  This is a form of self-harm.  Yes, again.  I know!

Being ruled by should.  Ah!  The “should monster” strikes again!  See why I call him a guttersnipe?  He sits up on his pedestal and tells us how we should be doing things, thinking thoughts, caring for ourselves and others from his own level of survival.  He’s a real Richard!  We proved in an earlier post that guilting ourselves into change does not change behavior, see the alcohol and tobacco industry for quick examples.  Guess what?  It’s just more self-harm that actually demotivates you.  Hard truth.

Labeling.  Anyone who knows me understands that I struggle to label people.  I have a hard time giving police an accurate description of people because I just do not label people or things.  I cannot easily identify race, ethnicity, social status, and sometimes even gender because I have not practiced judging others on these things.  However, I label the shit out of myself!  Bad or aloof are two of my favorite labels for myself.  What have I learned about this?  Labels simply are thoughts that become self-fulfilling prophecies for yourself and ruin your relationships with other people.  Labels have no place except on canned goods.  Rip them off and throw them all away!

Taking things personally.  As I mentioned with the sting earlier, people do not think about us as much as we think they do.  When you see that someone is focused and engaged in their own mental turmoil it is so easy for us to assume that they are upset with us.  We see their face, notice their body language.  Hear their sighs of disapproval.  Automatic thought: I must have said or done something to upset them.  It has to be me because I looked at them.  I noticed their turmoil so it’s me!  Again, did you ask?  Again, I bet it’s not even about you!  They may be nervous about an upcoming presentation or meeting.  They may feel ill prepared for a test.  They may have gotten some bad news and not know how to process it… Most times, it’s not you!  You’re not quite that important.

Blame.  My alarm didn’t go off this morning, so it ruined my entire day.  You didn’t call ahead to give me enough time, it’s your fault we’re late!  Why didn’t you tell me right away?  It’s your fault it got so bad!  Sound familiar?  It is easy to scapegoat people because we have a genetic need to be right.  We need to be sure to feel safe.  Truth is, you are the only person responsible for the condition of the pavement on your road.  Only you.  Own that shit!  Sorry- not sorry.

I know that some of that hurt and it should if you do any or all of these things.  Usually reflection and ownership feel a little bad at first.  It’s okay.  In fact, the only place we can start is where we are.  How will we ever start if we cannot face the idea that we are only what begins us?  Dr. Robert Emmons certainly can give us insight and hope through the practice of gratitude.  He discovered that gratitude is the most powerful promoter of mental and emotional resiliency, while minimizing underlying negative emotions.  It is easier said than done, though.  Ready for the tools of the trade I promised?

Personify your own inner critic.  You already been knowin’ he’s a shit.  Give him a name and personality.  This makes him real and gives you an added edge to get to know his ticks from outside of yourself.  Take the time to really dig into who he is and how he is different from you at your core.  He is a part of you but separate, make it that way mentally!

Get bored with his stories.  We all have that one friend that tells the same three stories over, and over, and over, again.  We know how to deal with that friend right?  We deal with those same old repeating thoughts just like that friend.  “Oh geezus!  The same old story again dude?  Really?!?”  Eyeroll…

Reframing your “shoulds”.  I should go run.  Scratch that!  I want to go run because I feel so much better after I do.  I should go to work early.  Wait!  I want to get in early to gain traction on my day- I’ll get so much done!  I should cook something healthy instead of getting take-out.  No, sir!  I am worth the time to make myself something that will encourage me to get me closer to my goals.  Do THIS all the time.  Never stop!

Countering ANTs with PETs.  Positive empowering thoughts are the counterbalance to automatic negative thoughts.  Remember everything that is negative has a positive, that’s the hope we find for change.  This takes a piece of paper and a bit more work.  This is one of the best tools you can use though, so worth the investment!  Here how you do it:

Separate your page into three columns.  The first one you will name “Trigger”, next “ANTs”, finally “New Thoughts”.  In the first column you would place what triggered the ANT.  Did you make a mistake, say something you didn’t mean?  In the second column you will write your actual thought like “I suck because I messed up.  I don’t deserve this job!”  Finally you will take the time to write a new thought like “I am new at this.  This is the first time I have done this and now I know what to do/not do next time.  I’m growing”.  The more you do this exercise the more you will understand your own ANTs and how to practice combatting them.  You should quickly notice your common triggers and automatic responses.  Super powerful!  As with ANTs, PETs also create physical neuro pathways.  Just like ANT’s, PETs can also become self-fulfilling prophecies.  Go on now- do the fucking work, I’ll see you next time!