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nikki-152006 · 5 months ago

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kokonoi hajime X reader

(from Ameliorate EXTRAS!)

"How much longer do you want to wait?" your friends are worried about you. They glance over towards Inui seated to the side, hoping he'd try to console you but the boy hardly lifts his head.

"He'll be here any second now." you're smiling at them, sure that he'll make it but deep inside even you know Kokonoi isn't coming.

"Ring him up again, Inui." Sano Emma, a friend of yours has her hands folded at her chest. There's nothing but a frown on her face, "He's two hours late already. If he doesn't reach in ten minutes, we're gonna celebrate on our own."

"We'll wait." you look at her with a firm gaze though your irises are twitching, begging you to allow them to let out their pains.

"We won't." she's more definite than you, "If you're really as important of a friend to him, he wouldn't have missed your birthday at least. I don't want to break your heart today of all days, but please, (Name)-chan. You need to face it."

"What nonsense." you laugh awkwardly, looking over at Inui for support but he still doesn't react, "Koko-kun's gonna come. He always does."

"He always doesn't have a girlfriend." Tachibana silently points out, "Men's priorities change once they're dating. You're the one who told me that last year, remember?"

Your lips twitch. You don't want to accept it. You don't want to cry over him on your birthday. You don't want to cry at all- it's the others who'd be put in a more uncomfortable situation than you.

"(Name)-chan.. " Emma sighs as you look over at Inui again, hoping him to intervene and support you, "do you really think Inui's gonna back you up when Kokonoi-san's probably on a date with his sister at the moment?"

Inui's eyes twitch, he looks away.

Your mouth opens, then closes. There's a deep silence in the room.

"Is he?" there's too much of pain in your voice for even you to handle, your eyes get glassier by the second.

Inui doesn't have it in him to reply to you. He's always known of your feelings for Kokonoi but he's always thought Kokonoi and Akane had a deeper bond having known each other from their childhood days.

But at the moment, when he hears nothing but the chords of a broken instrument in your voice, Inui wishes there was something he could do to bring Kokonoi here. No matter what it took.

Tears flow down your cheeks, slowly and slowly staining your cheeks with the dampness of ache. There isn't anything you feel at the moment other than every strand of your heart's muscles being torn apart one by one.

" ... I'm sorry.. " Inui had only wished to cover the date part with some lie and make you believe Kokonoi couldn't come because of some hurdles, but he doesn't wish to keep you living in a lie.

Kokonoi Hajime, a close friend of yours, chose to be on a date with Inui Akane, another close friend of yours on your birthday night. This is the reality.

Inui knows keeping secrets would only make the load of ache in you heavier by passing days, so he doesn't say anything but "I'm sorry", he's not someone who deserves to say anything after all.

"Fuck it all." Yuzuha slams her glass of juice down, "Oi, Inui, " he looks up at her with a defeated look, "piss off."

Inui nods and gets up. He knows it's for the best of you.

Kokonoi can't shut up about how familiar him and Akane look. Of course the sight of him is painful for you. Inui sighs and quietly walks out through the door.

He feels guilty, so very guilty. But then again, there's nothing he can do.

"That's it!" she comes and cups your cheeks, "No one's crying today! It's gonna be a girls' night out. There will be no boys."

"Yeah!" Emma agrees, "Those assholes can go fuck themselves! We're gonna go out and have fun today!"

But you're not in the condition to listen to them trying to cheer you up. You feel torn. Shredded.

You don't understand why you're never good enough for him, you can't figure out what you haven't done for him. Why things turned out like this- him dating Akane is okay, he's always loved her. But he doesn't even bother to even look at you anymore.

You've become non-existent for him, as if the approximate decade you've spent with him doesn't mean anything at all.

It hurts.

"Get up." Tachibana grabs your arm, "Stop crying, (Name)-chan, get up."

You don't want the few friends who do care for you to be left with nothing but uneasiness today, so you try. Though it's hard, though it hurts even more, you try to hold your tears.

"We're going out." Yuzuha says, grabbing her bag and keys from the kitchen counter, "We'll have fun together. We're friends too."

You nod, smile forming on your face but nothing but ache inside. Your heart feels as if it has been scratched a hundred times, as if each of these scratches throbs in it's own blood.

All this time, you tried to keep this inside you, and now it had erupted. You'd been trying to console yourself all this time, but nothing could pull you away from the truth now.

Kokonoi doesn't care about you. At all.

Not even as a friend.

Not even as someone he knows.

Not as anything.

You don't even realize walking with the girls into Yuzuha's car- your brain and heart in a dead frenzy.

"Let's drink." your lips are dry, you feel them while speaking, "I don't want to remember this night."

"If that's what you wish, sweetheart." Yuzuha drives towards her favorite club. She's determined to get you wasted too- not even she wants you to remember your twenty-first birthday as such.

If only Koko-kun cared to at least show up....

You're mad at Akane too, but there's not much you can say to her. Something turned off all your affection for her the moment she and Kokonoi had started dating.

It is natural, you've been told. It's because you're envious, because you wish it was you instead of her.

I always have...

Emma suddenly says she's gonna ask her brother to pick you all up and make sure everyone's home safe later. It disrupts your line of thought.

You've lost too many tears to be stable in your self now. You feel thoroughly dehydrated.

If only this pain would go away...

You unknowingly clutch your heart.

It's not like you to react this way to things. You've always been calm and logical, always think first and act later. It was Kokonoi who'd make you stutter in words and actions.

It was always him who'd make you act out of character- blush, get embarrassed, get self conscious, and what not.

And look at this.

It's him now because of whom you're sitting and crying when you should be celebrating.

No, it's not his fault I chose to be blind.

Kokonoi had been showing this behavior since over a year now- that's even before he started dating Akane. You were the one to choose to let it all past you, it's your fault you tried to run from reality.

"We're here."

You're more than relieved when Yuzuha says it, and are the first one to open the car door and step out.

Yuzuha looks worried about you but she's definite a glass of alcohol would dissolve all your pain into nothingness. She knows you'll wake up the next day and the pain will still be there, but at least you save your birthday night.

Everyone is quick to enter, heels clacking against the floor.

The inside of the club carries a crazy mood matching the frenzy in your mind. The beats of the music nullify your heart by their vibrations.

You inhale deeply, then exhale.

This is what I need.

Tachibana chooses not to drink, but you, Emma and Yuzuha down yourself with a couple of drinks before heading towards the dance floor.

There, you unleash everything boiling inside you as dance moves. They're sad, anyone sober would've been able to tell, but that's the thing you love the most about clubs.

No one is sober. Everyone in clubs is downed with some or the other sort of drinks trying to suppress or ignite some or the other sort of pain or joy. Everyone's the same.

Yuzuha runs a hand through her hair and looks around. She can't spot you anymore and it scares here.

Emma a little distance away from her is looking for you too.

The dance floor is wide, there's a massive crowd gathered there, they don't know how to find you through it all.

Towards the other side of the dance floor, you've just fallen on some dude. He barely flinches as your weight rests on his- you're too drunk to process your own actions now.

With hazy, irritated dry eyes, you look up at the guy- he has a pretty face as far as you can tell.

A nice jaw, eyebrows raised and arched, black hair flowing down his face over to your own. He's pretty, but he's not him.

"Do you need me to take you to the side?"

It's not even his voice.

"Are you okay?"

Those hands aren't like his.

"Excuse me, madam, can you hear me?"

But who gives a shit if it isn't Kokonoi.

He wouldn't be here for me anyways, right?

You kiss him.

Although surprised by the sudden contact, the guy kisses back. It brings you back to how everyone's the same in clubs- looking for some or the other sort of escape or joy.

You wish to run away from your heart, and the guy wishes to run towards his own.

Using him as support, your manage to straighten up, but then lose balance and fall on him again. "Take me away." the words are slurred but they manage to leave your lips.

He does.

He takes your hand, gives you the balance you need and takes you outside the club.

The night air is chilly but fails to calm the heat risen up your body. You giggle, the guy grins.

"What's your name?" his hand his around your waist to help you walk, yours are gripping one shoulder of his from behind and the other his forearm of the free arm.

"Me?" your vision is just as hazy, brain just as fuzzy, but you don't feel pain anymore.

Or rather, you feel too much to know what is pain anymore.

"Yeah?" the guy turns towards you.

You let go of his hold and skip ahead, then turn around with a giggle and your arms wide open.

You're drunk- you can let yourself do anything today.

"(Name)." you say, "I'm (Name)."

"That's a pretty name," the guy catches up to you with smile on his face, "it suits you, (Name)-chan."

You giggle again, "Koko-kun never calls me by my first name, you know. I'm not important to him anyways."

The guy halts, realization hitting him. He doesn't want to take a shot at wooing a heartbroken girl- he feels guilty all of a sudden.

"Do you not like me too?" you look so innocent with your eyes wide and lips trembling in a slur "Did I make you sad?"

Baji Keisuke sighs and runs a hand through his hair, "You didn't." he says, "Would you like to join me for a walk?"

You look at him again, trying to figure whether there's any dislike on his expressions but when your brain doesn't work enough to tell, you just shrug and decide to go with him.

"Should I get you some water?" Baji wants you to get sober enough to realize what you're doing, "You're eyes won't hurt after that."

You let out a small hum. "Okay."

Kokonoi doesn't like it when he's making out with Akane and she suddenly finds something to talk about. He doesn't hate it- it's cute, but sometimes he wishes it was something more related to them than other people.

"Isn't that (Name)-chan?"Akane is peeking outside the car window onto the street where a girl is walking alongside a guy while clasping his arm, "Why is she- oh shit, it's her birthday today!"

"Yeah, yeah it is." Kokonoi sighs, his eyes lazily following hers to see your figure walk with difficulty as a guy takes you along.

"Wait, you remembered?" Akane's eyes furrow, "Why didn't you remind me then? We should've wished her at least."

"She's not a baby, " Kokonoi says, "and besides, " he places his finger under her chin and brings her face towards him, "how dare you think of looking here and there when I'm in front of you."

Kokonoi is much taller than Akane now- he's much stronger and much more dominant.

"What can I say, " she bites her lip, "I have this bad habit."

"Shall I fix it for you?" Kokonoi grins, his hand trailing down Akane's waist.

"Please do."

Before he indulges himself completely with Akane, his eyes go up in instinct. You and the guy have just walked under a streetlight- he can see the guy clearly now.

Kokonoi's mouth hangs. "Isn't that Baji Keisuke?"

Akane frowns but gets up to look. "He's a safe guy, right? He wouldn't hurt her or something?"

"I doubt." Kokonoi frowns, "But I hate that asshole."

"Should we stop them then?" Akane asks, "You wouldn't want him to get a shot on our friend, right?"

Kokonoi's eyes furrow, "Nah, it doesn't matter as much. He wouldn't do anything wrong, don't worry about it, Akane-chan."

She hums in doubt but chooses to go with whatever Kokonoi tells her- she trusts him blindly after all.

Inui sits silently in his office. Kokonoi's office is right opposite to his and he can see Akane sit on the table in front of him through the glass door.

They're chatting.

Inui sighs and closes his file. Right in the middle of the lines of cubicles between his and Kokonoi's office is your cubicle.

He can see the back of your chair- you're buried inside, not wanting to have even a glimpse of what's going on in the office across.

Inui feels guilty, but he doesn't understand whether or not he should. His best friend and sister are dating, there's no greater joy he can have. There's no better guy Akane can have after all.

But he doesn't feel the joy he should. Inui feels like he made a mistake.

He walks outside the office and strolls over to your cubicle.

"(Name)-chan."

He doesn't want you to turn around- if you do, you'll be reminded of Akane and it would hurt, "I'm sorry for yesterday.... Are you okay?"

There's only a hum in response.

"Is everything okay?"

Another hum.

" .... I'll be in my office if you need something."

There's no response.

Inui sighs and turns around to walk towards his office but something repels him.

Without even thinking about it, he takes a turn towards Kokonoi's office and hurries inside.

"Akane-nii chan." he says, "Get off the table please, we're at work and there's a decorum we must follow."

"I'll draw the curtains." Kokonoi waves him off but Inui doesn't listen.

"We're in an office, there's rules around here. I'm not letting you both get away with stuff other employees can't. Please keep your affections for your own time, I don't want any disturbance during work."

"Jeez, Seishu." Akane sighs, "You take work too seriously sometimes," but she does get off, "fine, I'll see you later, Hajime-kun."

Kokonoi stares at Inui after Akane is gone. "What's up with you today?"

"Nothing." Inui isn't in the mood to talk to him at all. It's not like he blames Kokonoi, but there's not an ounce of patience left in him to handle the guilt, your heartbreak and Kokonoi being an ass all at once.

"I'm asking you something, Inupi." Kokonoi frowns, "What's up, why this attitude?"

"Get back to work." Inui leaves the cabin before Kokonoi can reply, but Kokonoi senses something's wrong and he's not letting it go all that easily.

"Everyone!" he enters the hall and announces, "In appreciation of your hard work, you all are allowed to take the rest of the day off!"

Inui knows exactly what's coming up after Kokonoi's announcement. He wishes you leave just in time to not fall between the argument coming up.

There's cheers from the employees as they pack their stuff and leave in groups. It takes a little time for them to leave, Inui's gaze is focused on the one cubicle Kokonoi is unintentionally standing in front of.

You don't step out in attempt to avoid seeing him.

"Are you not going to leave, (L/N)?" Kokonoi notices you a moment later, "I said everyone's dismissed."

Inui sees your shoulders slump as you pack your stuff and get up to leave despite it meaning you'll have to see him. Inui wonders if Kokonoi knows of the emotions you have now.

He wonders if Kokonoi would notice you trying to avoid seeing him but something tells him he won't. Kokonoi isn't the slightest bothered about you to notice.

"Oh, and say hi to that bastard Baji for me, will you?" the hall is already empty, you three are the only ones there, "Tell him he's not winning the next time we- "

The sound of a loud slap cuts off Kokonoi's words.

You bag hits the floor, and Inui's heart falls along with it.

This is the worst case scenario.

He rushes towards them to diffuse the situation but Kokonoi signals him to halt. Inui doesn't know what to do- he doesn't want you to be hurt any further. He doesn't want to live in guilt anymore.

"How do you know I know him?" your voice is hoarse from the events of the previous day, "How do you know I know Baji?"

Kokonoi looks like he's holding onto the last thread of his patience, "You were out with him last night."

"You know I didn't know him." your voice gives away the way your heart wails, "You saw me being drunk and going somewhere with a guy I didn't even know...."

"I did, so?" Kokonoi's fist is balled up, he's trying hard not to unleash his anger.

"What?" Inui turns to him, "You- what if something happened to her? What if that guy did something? Koko, what's wrong with you! Why didn't you- "

"It was Baji, Inupi." Kokonoi spits out, his anger getting the best of him, "That guy wouldn't do shit... and you." he turns to you, "Stop fucking expecting someone to be there to take care of you. If you don't want a situation like that, how about not drink and get wasted like a club hoe."

Inui punches him.

And that, not once.

Kokonoi is too pissed to not respond.

Akane has just entered the hall- she's a receptionist and she'd noticed all the employees leaving- she runs over to Inui, gasping and asking them to stop fighting.

You can hear Akane beg you to help her separate the two- you're the stronger one of the two of you, but you don't even bother looking at her.

You just pick up your bag and turn around and leave, not glancing back even once.

There's a knock on your door that evening.

You walk over to it with a piece of toast in your mouth and open the door to reveal Akane standing behind with an awkward expression.

"Hey, (Name)-chan... I... uhm, so... Seishu told us everything... I'm so sorry- " you close the door at her face, lock it and then walk back to the couches.

Not a single part of you wants to see her anymore, and poor Seishu gets the damage- he looks too much like her and you don't want him to remind you of her.

You're done with green eyes and blond hair and sweet voices but you still cannot come to hate anything about Kokonoi.

It's unfair to Akane, you know it, but there's nothing you can do to control it. She's the one who has always been nice and kind to you and Kokonoi is the one who abandoned you in a hollow friendship, yet still, you cannot come to reduce your hate for her or increase that for him.

It's all just a pain, nothing more.

Love, friendship, everything.

You sigh and ring up Baji.

"I swear you're not getting over him if you keep on calling me." is the first thing he says over the phone. You'd slipped your whole heartache to him in your drunk state, and he chose to stay as a friend.

"I know." you say, though you know you're just trying to replace Kokonoi's hair with the black in Baji's and his grin with that of Baji's.

It doesn't fit at all. You don't like Baji at all, but you love Kokonoi, and you wish to distract yourself before the pain drives you crazy.

"Go get a life, (Name)-san." you hear him say, and are suddenly reminded he doesn't even know your surname- you only told him your first name, "Get a life, and when you need friends, you know the bunch you can come too."

This bunch includes Yuzuha, Emma, Tachibana, him and Emma's brother Mikey who somehow turned out to be Baji's childhood friend too.

They're friends to you, undeniably, but still, a decade of close frienship and love has a different charm to it.

A decade of friendship with Akane gets wasted because your envy and dread gets the best of you. A decade of friendship with Kokonoi is wasted because he suddenly stopped giving a fuck about you.

You don't want your friendship with Inui Seishu to be wasted- whether to not he could help you, he's always stood by you no matter what.

The call has ended and you put your phone down with a deep exhale.

He's right. I can't limit my life to just Kokonoi and his love.

You snort.

His "non-existent" love.

You can hear his voice amidst the knocking on the door. He doesn't sound too willing to call out to you.

"They're wasting their time." you know, because Kokonoi would always love only Akane.

There's no place in his heart for anyone else. Not even you.

And if they wish to come apologize for hardly caring about you, you don't need it. You don't wish for someone who needs to be reminded to care for you to be around you either.

But then again, the ache is there.

"Long long ago, there was a fire in Inui's house... " you're talking to yourself without realizing where you're headed, "Seishu got a scar on his face because of it, Akane was mistakenly diagnosed to require a lot of money to be treated."

You're in the kitchen, and you're turning the burner on.

"Another doctor checked the reports and found the flaw. Akane wasn't needing a big surgery at all. She was all safe and sound."

You turn the stove's burner on, the fire looks beautiful.

"I wonder what would've happened if she had died back then.. "

The doorbell's loud noise snaps you back into reality. It takes you a moment to breath in heavily and come back to your senses.

Once you realize what you'd been tying to do, you turn off the burner and hurry towards the drawing room, body trembling from cell to cell in panic and fear.

You'd lost it. You were about to do something utterly stupid.

It freaks you out.

You don't care who's knocking to door, you just open it. You need someone. Anyone.

You need a human interaction. Even just a single one- just to stabilize your mind and not let it override your body this way. You can't afford to let your life go just because a guy you liked didn't like you back or because he became oblivious to your friendship and what not.

Baji is right, you need to live.

It's Inui outside the door.

Kokonoi and Akane are standing a little further behind- Kokonoi is leaning against Inui's car and Akane stands a few steps away from him.

They look up from the ground on hearing the door open. Meanwhile, Seishu assesses the mess of a condition you're in and immediately steps ahead to help you balance.

Your whole body is still trembling, throat parched in fear. "Help me, Seishu. Help me."

Seishu's eyes are glassy- he doesn't know what to do. He never does, and he blames himself for how everything turns out.

If only I did things right...

But he doubts there's a right or wrong in a scenario like this. None of you all can be blamed for anything.

Inui Seishu hugs you and gently rub his back telling you to calm down. He hears you mumble as you grip onto him, about how you're scared because you feel your body isn't under your control anymore.

You'd always criticized people who leave the world in the name of love but you realize today maybe their bodies aren't in their control anymore. And maybe, they don't or can't put in the effort to gain the control back.

You can't let that happen.

Loving someone is okay, being heartbroken is okay. But letting go of all beauty of the world, all that accepts you for the one person who rejects you is stupid.

You may love him for all your life, may even say his name in the last few breaths of your living, but you would never leave everything and everyone for Kokonoi.

The others don't deserve that.

You don't deserve that.

Seishu helps you inside, Akane tries to help but he tells her to wait outside.

Kokonoi doesn't bother to even step forward.

This time, you don't expect him to either.

"But there's no point feeling guilty about it," Akane and Kokonoi are sitting in the office's cafeteria during lunch, "the whole reason she never told you herself is because she knew you'd feel this way."

Kokonoi just hums in response. He doesn't even know if it's only guilt he's feeling.

Akane stares at him, her lips twitching to word the one question revolving around her mind since the previous day.

"Hajime, " her voice is soft, "in this past decade of knowing her, have you ever even once had any feelings for her?"

Kokonoi's expressions are unchanged, "There's no space for anyone in my heart other than you, Akane-chan. Don't worry yourself with baseless thoughts." he picks up his tray and leaves to put it in the rack of dirty ones.

Akane stares behind him, her lips curled in a frown, "That's not what I'm asking."

Kokonoi watches Inui and you sitting at a table a little away, both busy in gossip. Your expression and pallor give away what you actually feel but you're trying to move on.

He notices you look towards the desert section and walk off towards it. Kokonoi takes the moment to go and sit with Inui Seishu.

"Koko." he greets.

"Inupi." Kokonoi greets back.

There's silence at the table. It is Inui who breaks it with a question- "Are you happy, Koko?"

Kokonoi has never encountered a question harder to answer before.

He's happy with Akane. She is all he has ever wanted since his childhood, but the fact that you sit alone crying because of him doesn't leave a very good taste in his mouth.

Kokonoi knows he chose Akane. He knows he will always stick by her side, yet still, for some reason, it doesn't feel right.

Him and Akane are perfect, but you being sad disturbs his ease.

Kokonoi has never once seen you cry before the previous day- you'd always been the one to smile through everything, the one who'd care for both the boys when they were hurt during the Black Dragon days, scold them, punish them, but always have that smile on your face.

He had started to cut all ties from you a couple of years ago- Kokonoi did not like his one-way hollow tunnel towards Akane being disrupted by a small, beautiful lane running elsewhere.

_________________ "In this past decade of knowing her, have you ever even once had any feelings for her?" _________________

If they'd been feelings, he wouldn't have thrown her aside so recklessly, right?

He doesn't even know why he mentioned Baji to you back then. It was all on instinct, but there was no need to- he has no business with the guys you spend your nights with.

Kokonoi looks up. Inui is still waiting for an answer, but he has none.

He can't even decide what his own actions or feelings mean.

"You should go then." Inui understands, "(Name)-chan wouldn't return back here if you stay."

But you do.

You place a bowl of ice cream in front of each of the two boys two more to the side, then beckon Akane seated a few tables away. Akane comes, though hesitant but you smile at her and try to talk.

You hold back all emotions and smile, just so that no one else has to bear any guilt because of you. Kokonoi sighs, you're trying to move on and fix things alone.

Like always...

This is just the way you are.

Nothing but an idiot.

But seeing you try makes his face droop. It latches an unexplained weight onto his heart.

________ "Are you happy, Koko?" ________

___________ "Help me, Seishu. Help me." ___________

He sighs.

He's not happy.

He doubt he ever will be.

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