#surgical whimp

[distinctlywhumpthing]

Unintentional 13

Previous — Masterlist — Next

As always, beta-read by @alittlewhump <3

CW: BBU, institutionalized slavery, dehumanization, surgical/medical whump implied and subsequent “side effects” and trauma, explicit language. References to a prior hand injury.

Leo just needed things to hold steady until the weekend. Christ, he had only worked three days in a row with the random Tuesday snow day. Thank god for that. It had been timed perfectly so he could spend the day settling Aiden in. Well, that was overstating it. Settling Aiden was going to be an ongoing process. But at least he’d had the whole day off to show him around the house and make sure there were no accidents waiting to happen while he was home alone the next day. It was clear, after the first night—and everything else— there was no way he was bringing Aiden with him to any job. Not a chance. Near-finished houses couldn’t afford the setback of having to redo work, and houses in the middle of an overhaul were a minefield. Even the empty house where Aiden had nearly become hypothermic, had enough opportunities for catastrophe if Aiden had so much as walked around. Leo wouldn’t risk it.

The kid needed stability and routine. He needed four walls and a roof. Three meals and a warm bed. To know he was safe. Aiden was safe but he didn’t seem to know it. Or believe it. Leo wasn’t sure if it was a lack of knowledge or a lack of faith causing all of Aiden’s fear. He had tried telling him, again and again, that he was safe, but the words were meaningless. Despite their lack of weight, they seemed to do a pretty good job building up the wall between them until Leo wasn’t sure he’d ever get through to the kid. Leo figured he had some nerve anyway, trying to reassure someone who’d been through hell and back. Probably was just adding insult to injury repeating that stuff over and over. He needed to show Aiden he was safe and that he would never hurt him. It was just going to take time.

Leo was patient and careful. He needed to be. Aiden was so fragile. Almost always crying or on the verge of it. Eyes full of tears and rimmed with red. Always swaying to lean against a wall or hold onto the edge of the nearest piece of furniture. Leo could have sworn his lack of balance and that look of unsteady dizziness had gotten worse. But there didn’t seem to be much of a point in asking about it since it wasn’t like he’d succeed in getting the kid to agree to a check-up. That would only undermine everything he was trying to do to gain Aiden’s trust.

He was doing it now, leaning up against the wall at the bottom of the stairs, watching Leo pull on his boots. Tears started streaming down Aiden's face while he chewed his bottom lip, silently.

“Oh, Hon…” The words were barely a whisper as they left Leo’s lips. He cleared his throat but it didn’t feel any less thick. He couldn’t begin to guess why the kid was crying at the sight of him leaving, he would have guessed he’d be relieved. “Are you sure I can’t get you something to eat? Hm? Maybe some hot chocolate…with the tiny marshmallows? You can find a movie to watch.”

More tears.

Leo weighed his options again but he really couldn’t stay home. He’d already been late and left early every day. Didn’t exactly know how to explain why he was so compelled to be at home. He reached out for Aiden’s shoulder but, like always, Aiden’s fingers began curling into a fist. One hand was already hidden in the pocket of the hoodie he never took off but Leo was sure it was following suit. Like he was afraid or bracing himself. Whatever it was, it made Leo’s stomach twist with guilt. He let his hand fall before it made any contact and straightened his jacket instead.

He hated to think that Aiden still felt so unsafe but was willing to put up with it just for food and shelter. He’d thought long and hard about what he could say to let Aiden know he was welcome and safe but that he could leave if he wanted to. “You decide how long you stay, okay? Whatever you need.”

Aiden’s eyebrows knit together. He never quite looked at Leo’s face. Rather, he chose a spot on the wall behind Leo, just past his temple, and would stare at it. Attentive but reluctant to fully engage. He’d give in if Leo pushed for eye contact but it felt like cornering him. Chasing him for the connection felt counterintuitive. So, Leo pretended not to notice the feint. He waited another beat, one longer than was natural, in case Aiden wanted to say something. He was getting used to getting only a nod or one-word answer, if at all. That was part of what made it so hard and he had no idea if Aiden’s trouble with speaking was a symptom of shyness or trauma or something else. Either way, he’d stopped expecting much of anything.

“I’ll be home around five or six after I swing by the store. Burgers for dinner sound good?”

“Mmm’yeah…mmm—mmm—Mister…” Aiden bit his lips together.

Leo tried to nod in a way that wasn’t so reassuring it became condescending. “Everything for your hand is upstairs.”

Aiden swallowed and looked down at the silhouette of his injured hand hidden in his pocket. It wasn’t clear to Leo if he was keeping it in there because it was hurting or because he was afraid of Leo trying to redress it again.

“If you need any help…”

That was definitely a ‘no’. Aiden crossed his arm over his torso, grabbing a fist full of his other sleeve. Fingers tightening until the tendons running over his knuckles were visible.

“Okay, so I’ll see you later.” Leo made himself smile lightly. Forced himself not to hesitate because he was sure Aiden was shaking now and he wanted to put his arm over his shoulders and tell him, once again, uselessly, that he was safe and everything would be alright. But he couldn’t. He stepped outside and closed the door quickly so at least there wouldn’t be too much cold air blowing in. After locking only the easy-to-unlock bolt, he made his way through the slush melting on the path to his van. Aiden needed time, he told himself.

Just time, just a little more time.

Leo couldn’t blame him. It seemed that he’d gotten lucky the first night. Aiden had been deer-in-the-headlights but much calmer immediately after the warm bath. Swimming in Leo’s old sweats for the first time. He’d set his face in patient determination while Leo had carefully dabbed antibiotic cream onto the open welts crossing each of his four fingers. His brown eyes had set themselves on Leo’s face and Leo had found himself humming. He was not a singer. He was not a musical person. But under those eyes, holding the poor kid’s injured hand, having seen what he’d been through and knowing what it must mean for him to let Leo even go near him. He’d fucking hummed.

Anyway, then the whole shit show with the bowl and dinner and Aiden crying and crying had happened and he hadn’t really stopped crying since. The night had been quiet and he’d come downstairs in the morning to find Aiden leaning against the end of the cabinets, waiting for him. It had taken about an hour of Leo walking a tightrope between insisting and pretending not to care to get Aiden to drink half a mug of coffee and eat a piece of plain toast. The rest of the day was much the same. An exhausting dance, those dark eyes never giving him a break. Aiden sometimes looked like he wanted to sink through the floor. Other times, more like he wanted to punch through the wall.

But they’d managed. After an episode of some animal documentary he’d never seen before but he was sure had a level-toned narrator, no surprises, and even some very mild, relaxing instrumental music, he’d helped Aiden upstairs for bed.

“The roads look like they’ll be fine tomorrow, so I can get you a toothbrush on my way home from work. Sorry I don’t have an extra here.”

Aiden blinked at him.

“Come on, I can give you mouthwash at least,” he’d suggested.

Aiden followed him into the bathroom and took the little cup when he offered it, swishing the mouthwash diligently.

Once he spit it out, Leo pulled out the first aid kit. “Let’s take a look at your hand.” He was rifling through the box to find the gauze and hadn’t seen Aiden move but he heard the door hit the wall behind it. When he turned around, Aiden was curled in a ball against it, good hand raised over his head like he was blocking a swing.

“Woah, woah…” Leo dropped whatever sterile packages he was holding into the box. He backed up, not very far given that they were both in the small bathroom and now Aiden was mostly blocking the doorway. He closed the lid of the toilet and sat down, as far as he could be from Aiden and also towering less. Aiden was shaking and hadn’t lowered his arm. “It’s okay. Look—” He reached over and closed the first aid kit, replaced it into the bottom drawer, and pushed it closed. “—We don’t have to do that, not if you don’t want to. It’s okay.”

Aiden’s eyes darted from Leo to the drawer and back. His face was still half shielded by his arm, so it was difficult to tell how convinced he was. To be fair, he never seemed fully convinced of anything.

“Not tonight, okay? We can wait.” Leo nodded, raising his eyebrows.

It took a few more beats but Aiden lowered his arm and nodded back.

“Alright?”

He was crying now but he nodded again.

Leo swallowed the knot in his throat. “Can I help you up?” He knew Aiden would have to search his face again, to weigh these words for a trick or some hidden hurt. No matter how much he proved himself trustworthy. Leo hated the way it made him feel like somehow he’d personally had a hand in making Aiden believe he was never safe. It was stupid to take the scrutiny personally. He was selfish for even having an opinion on the matter. What the fuck did he know?

Aiden finally nodded again and held his elbows out just slightly so that Leo could slip his hands under his arms to lift him.

He was always lighter than Leo expected. Every single time, even though he’d carried him a few times now. Leo didn’t let go right away, to make sure Aiden was steady on his feet and didn’t have that dizzy look in his eyes. He stared up at Leo, tears running down his cheeks, biting his trembling lower lip. Leo had to look up for a minute so he wouldn’t start crying, too. Those wide eyes hadn’t left his face when he looked back down.

“Aiden, I—” He could feel that his voice would break on the next syllable and he couldn’t seem to swallow it away. What did he want to say anyway? I’m sorry? Apologize for being insensitive and so fucking clueless? For making Aiden cry? Even worse, for making him afraid? More afraid, afraid again, either way. Whatever. Leo was fucking this up.

He let go but Aiden swayed. Leo caught his shoulder with one hand. His other hand, for whatever reason, took a risk and reached up to wipe Aiden’s tears away with his thumb. It felt like his heart stopped beating. Like he was poking a beehive and a thousand bees were about to swarm out and that would be it, he was about to irreparably fuck everything up. But Aiden closed his eyes and tilted his face into Leo’s hand. Just like he had that first day in the car. And then he leaned forward, into Leo’s chest and sobbed.

Leo held him while he cried. Until his sobs turned into whines and “m’sorry” over and over and over. Until Leo was shushing him—he still didn’t trust himself to say more than that without breaking down, too—and leading him to the extra bedroom to tuck him in. Leo barely kept it together long enough to make it out to his van before he lost it. He vowed to make some calls the next day. Aiden deserved real help, needed real help. Leo knew he was in way over his head. He didn’t know the first thing about helping this kid who came saddled with so much trauma.

But the next morning, Aiden had been leaning against the cabinets waiting for him. He’d even made coffee and pushed a steaming mug across the island toward Leo. Aiden still didn’t really make eye contact and he shied away from Leo as much as ever but there was no way Leo could send him away. There was no way he could betray Aiden like that. Leo just had to accept that he was out of his depth and that his own discomfort was infinitesimal to whatever Aiden felt.

When he went upstairs to shower after work, he left the first aid kit on the desk in Aiden’s room. Aiden noticed it right away when he walked into his room. He turned around in the doorway, tears running down his cheeks, shaking his head. Like Leo had stabbed him in the back.

“I��m not gonna touch your hand. You can do it by yourself but you have to clean it and change it so it doesn’t get infected, okay?”

Aiden was backing into his room. His legs hit the bed and he sat down clumsily.

“Just let me know if you need help.”

Aiden looked over at the desk.

He held up his hands and clarified, “I’ll be right next door, reading a bit before bed. So, you can try it by yourself and just let me know if you need help.”

Aiden released the breath he must have been holding and nodded.

Leo brushed his teeth and went into his room, carefully not reacting to the fact that Aiden hadn’t moved an inch from where he was sitting on his bed. He left his bedroom door open and read a couple chapters of a novel before turning out the light. He fell asleep before he heard any sound coming from Aiden’s room.

Even though it had seemed like the best move, Aiden was even warier in the morning. He couldn’t have expected Leo to let him never change the bandage, could he? Or maybe he was worried Leo would inspect his work. Either way, Leo kept his distance while he got ready for work and didn’t push him on finishing breakfast. He told Aiden to help himself, same as yesterday, and what time he would be back.

Same as this morning, now with Aiden even more upset. At least Leo would be home for two days and maybe things would even out. They’d get on the same level again and maybe Leo would figure out what to do.

But the weekend wasn’t any better.

By Sunday night, he was sure that things were getting worse with time. Or maybe it wasn’t time, maybe it was just proximity to him.

“Are you sure you’re feeling okay?” He asked Aiden. It was only the second time but it might as well have been the hundredth.

He kept his gaze fixed on his hands resting on his lap, both buried in the front pocket of the old hoodie.

Leo put down his fork. Ever since the first night, he had figured that eating side by side at the island was better than staring Aiden down at the dining table. Except maybe it wasn’t such a great idea. “Hon, you haven’t touched your dinner and hardly ate anything all day. Aiden—”

“I’mmm…sorry—” He swallowed. “Please….I’mmm…sorry…mmm’Mister.” His dark eyes passed over Leo’s face once before they fell back down.

Leo watched a tear fall onto the grey, pilling fabric. He had planned to take the time to buy Aiden some new clothes in the right size that weren’t threadbare at the elbows and a hundred years old but it had seemed too important to be home as much as possible all week. Now, he was wondering if the distance was more conducive to Aiden’s comfort.

“Hey, hey—” He knew better than to reach out, even though he wanted to rub Aiden’s back. He knew the gesture would only be met with tension or shaking, Aiden trying to pull away, crying harder from the forced contact. There hadn’t been another moment like that hug. Everything since had been a day late and a dollar short. Off and awkward and making everything worse. It made Leo sick to think what had been done to this kid that he couldn’t even be comforted in such a basic way, let alone have someone hold him every time he cried. “Okay, okay. You’re good.” Leo kept his hands where they were, resting on the island. “You don’t need to apologize. Just, uh, help yourself, okay? When you’re ready.”

Aiden squeezed his eyes shut. Didn’t turn his head to look at Leo, didn’t nod, or do anything else that might give any indication of what was going on in there. Another tear ran down his cheek.

Leo couldn’t sit here and watch him cry, he shouldn’t. He put his plate in the dishwasher and took a deep breath before straightening to look at Aiden. The food in front of him was completely untouched, just like his sandwich had been, and breakfast before it. Eventually, Aiden would slowly and carefully take out a Tupperware that was the right size. He’d spend a handful of minutes re-plating the whole meal just so inside it before snapping on the lid and adding it to the growing stack in the fridge.

“I’m gonna hit the hay. Early day tomorrow.” He put his hands into his pockets like by some fucking miracle he’d find a handbook for how the fuck to handle this situation. Or anything.

Empty.

“Help yourself and let me know if there’s anything you need.” He waited one more beat. Plus one extra just in case. The clock on the wall ticking audibly, the refrigerator humming imperceptibly.

Aiden remained frozen.

Nothing else he could do.

“Good night, Hon.”

Climbing the stairs, he knew he’d lie awake listening. He wasn’t sure what he was hoping to hear. Or afraid to hear. Would he go looking if tonight was the night Aiden slipped out? At least to make sure that he had taken a jacket and had some extra food? Or would he just let him go? Should he just let him go?

Leo spent hours turning those last two questions over in his mind. Wondering where Aiden might be if Leo had just left him the coffee that morning or if he’d taken him to breakfast at some diner and they’d parted ways. He still could have given him the shoes and coat. It still seemed out of the question for Leo to play an active role in sending him away. But he wondered where Aiden would end up if he left now. Was he any better off having spent a week at Leo’s? Would two weeks make a difference? Three?

Or was it all just getting worse? Was Leo just making everything worse?

Previous — Masterlist — Next

@octopus-reactivated @maracujatangerine @nicolepascaline @mazeish @whumpy-writings @in-patient-princess @meetmeinhellcroutons @briars7 @thingsthatgo-whump-inthenight @jo-doe-seeking-inspo @neuro-whump @painsandconfusion @wolfeyedwitch @skyhawkwolf @haro-whumps @onlybadendings @peachy-panic @fillthedarkvoid @rabass @crystalquartzwhump @dont-touch-my-soup @jadeocean46910 @mylifeisonthebookshelf

[fjordfolk]

I have seen mentions of receding quicks on your blog. I didn't know it could be done non-surgically! My girl came to me with long quicks. How do I get started on pushing them back?

Dremel or high quality clippers, and lots of patience. I’ll try to show you on Spart, because she’s the one that stays still long enough to take pics of, so you might have to zoom in or whatever.

Basically, you clip them as short as you can without hurting her, often. I’m sure people have their own strategies and I’m no professional, but I do like this:

And start with un unclipped foot.

Then I do a regular straight cut to remove the excess tip. Like all the clipping illustrations online will tell you, right outside soft channel that holds the nerve.

Then, looking from underneath/the cross-section, I carefully shave away some of the outer keratinous layer (whatever the heck that is called) until the nerve channel (channel! not nerve) is exposed. I like to take a little extra off the top because Sparta’s nails are quite tough.

And then I leave it. She’ll wear them down to where I left the top in a couple of days, and then I’ll repeat the process once they’re worn back down to the shell. The nerve will recede gradually as the nail is worn down.

The benfit to this, imo, is that I never actually have to go near the actual nerve at all. With dogs like Sparta and Luna who are sensitive about their feet and big whimps, respectively, a low pain-risk process is a good one.

But it does require your dog to be calm and willing to be still while you work. And you’ll have to do it every few days or so for a while, until the nail recedes to your liking.

[pachelbel-cello-cannon-ind]

I got tagged by @viola-and-chill which i was soooooooo not expecting. Alrighty then lets go

Your last 1. drink: a protein drink cause breakfast is for whimps 2. phone call: a friend on Skype 3. text message: my gf showing me her art (speaking of go check out @fibsh) 4. song you listened to: Seventeen (Reprise) from Heathers because I am such a theater nerd  

5. time you cried: the other night cause I read a sad story and my great-aunt died earlier this month

Have you ever 6. dated someone twice: yeah no 7. kissed someone and regretted it: YES 8. been cheated on: no 9. lost someone special: mhm 10. been depressed: maybe? I dunno 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: no, fun fact: my stomach won’t let me have caffeine so I probably won’t ever get drunk

(So I copied this and don’t know the original. I have no idea where the missing numbers are)

13 favorite color: Purple

In the last year have you 15. made new friends: yes! Yes I have! 16. fallen out of love: Nope!!!! 17. laughed until you cried: yeah 18. found out someone was talking about you: no but it wouldn’t surprise me. People can be assholes 19. met someone who changed you: yeah 20. found out who your friends are: mhm 21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: I don’t have a facebook

General 22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: uhhhhhh 23. do you have any pets: YES. I have a bearded dragon named Buffy and an African Fat-Tailed Gecko named Maggie and they are the queens of my universe 24. do you want to change your name: I like my name but I wouldn’t mind having my nicknames used more often 25. what did you do for your last birthday: I went and saw a movie (I think it was the new Ghostbusters) 26. what time did you wake up: 7:00 cause I had work this morning 27. what were you doing at midnight last night: Sleeeeping 28. name something you can’t wait for: The new seasons of Young Justice and Voltron 29. when was the last time you saw your mom: a few minutes ago 31. what are you listening to right now: I’m re-watching the glorious tv show called Merlin!               32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: Probably 33. something that is getting on your nerves: my dad as usual 34. most visited website: probably Tumblr or Youtube 35. hair colour: Right now it’s red but I’m naturally brown haired 36. long or short hair: Shortish???? It’s to my chin 37. do you have a crush on someone: I don’t think my gf counts

38. what do you like about yourself: my work ethic (my boss is only slightly annoyed that I work so fast right now) 39. piercings: I used to have pierced ears but not anymore 40. blood type: O+????? 41.nickname: El and Elfling 42. relationship status: dating someone (I can’t remember the right word and don’t like “taken”) 43. zodiac: Cancer 44. pronouns: she/her 45. favorite tv show: Young Justice or Shadowhunters, I’m conflicted 47. right or left handed: Left 48. surgery: I had to get earings surgically removed 49. sport: HOCKEY 50. vacation: Italy! 51. pair of trainers: Asics??? I think???????

More General 53. eating: I love pasta 54. drinking: water and rooibos tea 55. i’m about to: compulsively check my email 56. waiting for: an appropriate time to sleep 57. want: to have a better nervous system like seriously I hate being in a wrist brace 58. get married: in the future hopefully 59. career: museum curator or a professor maybe

Which is Better 60. hugs or kisses: hugs 61. lips or eyes: eyes 62. shorter or taller: shorter 63. older or younger: older 64. nice arms or nice stomach: soft tummys and hard tummys are equally awesome 65. hook up or relationship: relationship 66. troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant

Have You Ever

67. kissed a stranger: no 68. drank hard liquor: hel no 69. lost glasses/contact lenses: I’ve forgotten where they were but never like lost lost my glasses 70. turned someone down: yes but he was just asking me as part of some stupid game 71. sex on the first date: no 72. broken someone’s heart: no 73. had your heart broken: kinda? 74. been arrested: NO 75. cried when someone died: yes 76. fallen for a friend: yup

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 77. yourself: to an extent 78. miracles: yeah no 79. love at first sight: not for me at least 80. santa claus: no 81. kiss on the first date: maybe 82. angels: no

OTHER: 83. current best friend’s name: I have like four 84. eye colour: Hazel 85. favourite movie: Hatari!

I’m gonna tag...... @fibsh, @spamandham, @nbnightwing. Are these traditionally five????? uhhhhhh @iamfandomtastic aaaaaaand @wanderlustexperience. Anyone else who actually reads this can do it if you want