#sure maybe that period sucked for a lot of reasons

[crowscroll]

this is me for REAL

oh to be a chaotic man in the mid victorian era, being a painter and going to parties and chatting with nobility, living on an estate with the most beautiful gardens you’ve ever seen, having a secret homosexual relationship with my poet friend whos letters to me will be discovered in the future and “atributed to how we were such good friends”

i would probably be on oscar wilde levels of chaotic gay.

[astralnymphh]

requesting fluffy period sex with Jackson Ellie!!

i’ve been thinking about this for ages lol but just imagine Ellie hearing that orgasms can help period cramps, maybe she randomly reads it in an old trashy magazine or she overhears two other girls talking about it while in town. anyway, she wants to help her gf of course, wants to make you feel better. you’re apprehensive at first and a little shy/embarrassed but Ellie’s like “do u really think i care about a little blood?” because obviously that girl does NOT care abt blood. maybe she even likes it a little…

𝐓𝐎 𝐁𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐌𝐘 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄. ★

note from author: you know i will use any excuse to write jackson!ellie + period sex. especially fluffy sex. with a hint of freak. make sure to hit that like button and subscribe. for more gay sex. drabble length. wrote this in a day (and on my period) so excuse the simpler style. oral + fingering (if you have a problem, keep it to yourself. nobody gaf). not a lot of plot. 18+ interactions please. mdni. wc: 1k. join the discord!

To think, that you were brought a dream.

In the hands of a girl.

You must be blacking in and out. It rushes over your skin: the exhilaration, the sensation, the indent of fingers squeezing your bra-padded breasts, the sweat sticking to her lilac bedsheets. She traverses you like written text. Wrists, shoulders, hips, thighs, the beginnings to a place you feel the need to hide. When the shape of her head intrudes itself there, her intrepid fingers—they follow, and spread the pages for a translation tender and filling. Something she can't put down; you scoot your hips away, and she pulls you right back in.

She reads you.

You feel sedate lengths of softness tread through the channels under your abdomen, where it cramps—and the pain fleets. You forget all about it, until a finger eases inside, and you yelp with all the breath hitched in your throat. “Wait, Ellie!” You shut the heart of your thighs, enclosing her wrist. The ever-so soft junction.

She cocks her head. “What's the matter, babe?”

“You'll get blood on your fingers.”

She read about it in a grayed-out, faded Cosmo; it roped in the young generations, for generations, concerning them with relationships and the sex life of women—menstruation. It fucking sucks, but it sure doesn't have to; she can soothe you right here on the bed you're burrowed up in.

The Jackson local library has an answer for everything.

Ellie promised that after a serenade on her guitar, a hundred kisses, and a whisper of strawberry wine, she would help you out. Tongue and hands.

The practiced grooves on her face snap when she laughs, and she slides up your crotch to have a more face-to-face, respectable consolation. Don't get her wrong: muzzling something incoherent into the plush of your thighs is exciting—and it lets those embarrassing, inhibition-numbing sentiments trickle out until she gets as red as her hair—but she wants you to hear her this time. Cold fingertips melt into your waist.

Your skin is on fire.

“Do you really think I care about a little blood?” She questions, with a voice cornered and hoarse and teasing, tracing mindless circles into your belly. Your reason isn't reason enough to Ellie, it seems.

You glance around for something to convice her. “Well—I don't want to get blood on..”

Ellie disregards you with a head shake and reburies her shoulders under the open perspective of you. Arms entangle you again. “Mh-mm, don't worry about that.” And she, being clever with her peach lips, kisses you here, there, in those self-same distracting places that make you trance out and miss a couple beats, then tense up when she invites her tongue, slips it down and..

Die. For a breath.

Strands of her hair crumple under your grip. Catch under your fingernails.

“Fuck, right there.. right there, Ellie.”

It felt more alight than usual; thick, hot, catalytic presses with her tongue pushing your folds and pinching that bud of nerves—you almost tug her down harder. She can tell you wanted to. It elicits an affirming, quickened pace of her tongue and squeeze of your thighs. Her eyes are fluttered shut, and she looks like a quiet, satisfied heaven.

Her thumb enters below her mouth.

She pulls back—like a vampiric portrait—and cleans her lips, and you bear down for it to return. The thumb inside stills you with a slow pumping.

“See, babe?”

Ellie slides out that thumb. Sucks it, lips pulling over the tip, for you. Humming at your taste like she's about to come herself.

“I don't care. I fuckin' love it.”

Not a second ticks, where you get to process the overwhelming tingle up your nape—or the numbing sound of your heart pounding, and Ellie is already stuffing her face right where it was. She takes you without question. Spreading your thighs apart, she lines up her wet tongue with your wetter entrance and laps your clit, making the swollen bud catch, drag and flick into place: an addicting loop. It feels so perfect against her heart-shaped mouth. Soon, you forget that cramps were the thing that initiated this and delight pours from your throat.

You catch her groping herself to the sound.

She managed a clean job. Blood stains the swell of her chin, to the tip of her nose in lithe blotches, but you knew that would happen. Of course, with her pressing her entire mouth against your hole to wag her face in your mess—you had laughed through a moan when she did—who could guess differently?

It's Ellie: so, of course.

She was smiling when your cries of release came crashing. You shuddered, rode it out on her mouth, and the corner of her lips just curled into your heat.

Fucking idiot.

When you glance down, the little ligatures of humiliation poke at you again; you begin to close your legs. But the indents on your hips from her hold grow deeper. It inches you back open.

She steals the opportuinity to slot herself in that space.

Ellie swipes hair from your face with the backs of her fingers, lingering. “You did so fuckin' good, babe. That's all you needed, huh? I know, I know. You can thank me later,” she boasts. But all you can focus on is her jean-covered thigh against you.

Quiet as the room, you gasp, but it still prompts her to look in the same spot and nudge off you.

She scoffs. “Psh—it'll come right out. Nothin' to sweat over.”

She is too nonchalant for your heart.

You shift in your pool of sudation, rolling out little grunts. Her touch coheres your movements. “Where did you even learn this from?”

“Uh,” she sounds, gaping open mouth. Ellie would nick herself in the knee if you figured how devoted to you she is in passing time. It takes up more than that, if were being honest. She feels better when you perceive her as your genius and generous girlfriend—so she'll keep it that way. “Just, kinda.. thought that I should do it. Yeah.”

You would refute if you were half as awake as you were before Ellie sapped your whole stamina bank out. Thanks, babe.

“Totally.”

“Mhm, I'm the best.” Sarcasm manages to seep through regardless, even when she tries. You laugh at it.

Ellie blacked out within the hour—before you could—sound asleep in the repository your sprawling lap provides, halfway down the bed in an entanglement. You followed in syrup-like tandem—but not without your fingers in her scalp, and a whisper of words. Sleep fought you for this moment.

“You're the best, idiot.”

[ghostbooba]

can you pls do headcanons of Victoria with controversially young girlfriend!Reader??? IM BEGGING ON MY KNEES. not that much of an age gap but maybe like have reader be 22 or 23? Or even slightly younger if you’re cool with that! Whatever you’re comfortable with!

controversially young gf!reader seems to be really popular amongst Victoria lovers... gee I wonder why...

For a good long while, you manage to remain both her plaything and her little secret: no one had to know, right? Her career would certainly take the fall of it all.

You met at a bar, a simple night out with friends to decompress, no expectations; and so even through all the flirting and not-so-subtle stares, you were quite starstruck when not only she gave you her number, but also brought you home.

She’s protective and wary, especially because you’re younger, and while mature, definitely inexperienced in regards to all sorts of things, interactions, and environments. You're barely twenty, for fuck's sake. She won’t shelter you, but also won’t let you barge headfirst into something. Lots of planning and reprimands, but lots of coddling as well.

She tries to understand and inform herself on whatever slang is popular at the moment, to be “hip with the kids”, trying to seem young and fuun to you. to you it doesn’t matter, you like her for being herself. Still, it’s a little funny, so you keep quiet.

Within the privacy of the four walls of her home (because oh no she’s absolutely not letting you stay in that shabby rented apartment downtown) she can be quite sweet if not uptight, scolding you as if you were a child for the silliest mistakes only to kiss you senseless at the mere sight of a pout, crawling between your legs on special days as a soundless apology. Well, not so soundless on your part.

She pulled some strings to get you hired at the Bureau early in the relationship, both because urgently in need of a new secretary and more than eager to have you frolicking around as eye candy in her office.

She tries not to make it obvious at work, but rumors spread quickly, and after a paparazzi shot of you two making out after a speech went viral, there was nothing more to do.

Victoria’s P.R: team was furious, working overtime to cover the whole thing up, but when life gives you lemons…

So she starts parading you around, her pretty little jewel not to touch but to look at; visibly ruining you with hickeys and scratches to then have you wear low cut dresses, because they look sooo good on you, Especially when everyone can see you’re hers.

It’s news for a week or two, but tabloids go quiet when new, exciting news appear: like bees to pollen. And sure, rumors still go around, calling you both all sorts of names (cougar and sugar baby seem to be some of the favorites) but life moves on.

It’d devolve into full on PDA and blatant favoritism pretty quickly, gaining you a promotion (or two, if you actually work hard enough and don’t spend half the time under her desk), annoying more than one of your coworkers. The smarter ones avoid the murmurs and whispers, making friendly conversation as they oh so reasonably don’t want to get fired for something as silly as “age gap” and “power imbalance”.

NSFW

She’s downright cruel: having you whine between her legs, until you show her “what a good puppy you are” keeping you in place while sucking and licking her clit until she cums, without letting you touch yourself, of course: “that’s mommy’s job”

She loves office sex, period sex, risky sex really: anyone in their right mind would call her an adrenaline junkie, but the fact that you’re curious and willing to try anything out has put her in dicey scenarios more than once.

Manipulating your blood while she’s eating you out, or vice versa: chin streaming with cum and blood as you whimper because at this point she’s made your clit so sensitive you might cry.

She tends to dom, not necessarily top, but it helps her scatch that itch that for once, she’s the one in control as you writhe and writhe and beg her as she latches on your nipples. She commands you around, no matter who’s wearing the strap... if there’s even one in the equation.

Not opposed to the use of toys, especially after a stressful workday; on that same note, some days are dedicated to gentle sex, worshiping her weary body until she passes out.

She love to buy you frilly lingerie, and can be pretty disappointed to find you jn walmart cartoon kids boxers while getting you naked. Youa rgue that they're funny and really cool.

Aftercare might be both of your favorite: the loving intimacy of taking care of ssomeone; although Victoria always feels the need to be the one to do all the work, again because you’re young. And you oppose her with her own argument “young and capable” yet it always ends in small chuckles and smiles.

[moki-dokie]

there's been a bit of a Hot Topic going around bsky (and twt too i guess) about why my age group (particularly in the US) doesn't cook at home much anymore

and there's been a whole lot of takes ranging from dogshit to good and intelligent to total confusion from folks in other countries. neat stuff right. decided to throw my 2 cents in from my own perspective as part of the demographic.

the tldr of it being: there are *several* factors that make it not worth it nor cost efficient anymore where it once was. obviously that isn't gonna be the case for everyone, but it is the case for an overwhelming majority, me included. and this isn't even including, you know, a whole population of disabled people who are physically unable to cook for themselves but I sort of figured that was a given. but maybe not, considering...

then this absolute genius comes in

thank you buddy for having no reading comprehension and missing quite literally every single point i made that it isn't strictly about the dollar amount of the meal itself. like. okay??? good for you i guess.

sure, there will be some meals where that is very true. I could make a bigass pot of ham and beans that'll last me a whole week for about $10. hence why i added there will always be some meals cheaper to make at home. but that completely disregards every. other. point.

it is not, and has never been, about the direct cost of the meal itself. that's just one of a handful of reasons that factor into the whole conversation. there are going to be times that eating out will be more expensive price-wise, but when it checks off like 5 different boxes i couldn't fulfill myself for whatever reason, that price balances out. and we really are in an age where we're having to negotiate the worth of every action we take and every minute we spend on something. i don't know why thats such a hard concept for people to grasp.

legit nobody is arguing it *should* be this way. it shouldn't. we all recognize this. in the ideal world it would be both worth it and affordable to make every meal at home and leave eating out for special occasions, as was the case when i was growing up. and i totally get it that our parents, many of whom raised us by their lonesome, managed to do it fine so in theory we should be able to as well. sometimes, yeah, it really is a matter of sucking it up and doing it no matter how exhausted you might be. that's true for all facets of life tbh. but it shouldn't be that way all the time every time.

and, i don't know about the rest of you, but for us? it really was a whole fucking To Do to clip coupons and plan Shopping Day. I'd spend a couple hours clipping from a few different newspapers and the mail fliers we collected. then we organized them by store. then mom would plan out which stores we would go to for which items,the route we'd take since sometimes it meant going outside of town, the timeframe for everything since it was typically an all-day event. like, a whole day of planning and a whole day of executing JUST to grocery shop, and that was back in the 90s/00s. Inconvenient, yes, but still actually worth the trouble. couponing saved SO much money back then, especially if you knew the stores that would double them. coupons like those don't exist anymore. period. now the ones that do are like, pennies off or bogo deals and otherwise it's app this and app that for any sort of savings - which even then might only be like a meager 10% off the purchase. in no way is it worth my time and effort today to do the same thing we did when i was young.

anyway. so yeah. for a hell of a lot of us, sometimes going out to eat or ordering in is in fact the most worthwhile way, and sometimes even the most cost efficient way, to feed ourselves anymore.

[feistyvirghoe]

*♡∞:｡.｡ ᴀʟʟ ᴀʟᴏɴᴇ ᴛᴏɢᴇᴛʜᴇʀ, ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴛʜᴇʏ ᴡᴀɴᴛ ᴛᴏ ᴅᴏ ᴛᴏ ʏᴏᴜ? ~ 18+ ˚₊·➳❥ PILE 4-6◛⑅·˚ ༘ ♡

PILE 4 ◛⑅·˚ ༘ ♡

songs-dominoes-jungle / bussit-ari lennox / sensual conversations- october london

something about being gagged here boo, like keeping u silent, or honestly just bound but with your mouth, maybe yall have to be quiet, go listen to bussit by ari lennox, lots of messages there for you guys. do you intimidate this person, well you must, or they intimidate you..”i know that you’re into me..rahh don’t be scared of me im rowdy as they can be” this is my animalistic pile 🤔 kinky, letting your primal energy run wild. your person is extremely powerful, i kept going back and forth, like there’s nerves, feeling like you’re not ready or prepared for whatever this person has in store for you..they definitely want it from behind, they could be rly rough if you like that, like this man is skilled man or woman or NB, it’s all energy tbh, but the more masculine person is dominant, could be a lil bit older than you too. it’s like they get a kick out of seeing you like cum drunk if that’s a good way to say it, like they’re in control and have the upper hand and you’re like taking it but i can see you’re enjoying the fuck out of yourself. i keep giggling so you guys might be playful with one another, like as they’re behind you, they can’t keep their hands off of your body. it seems like they want to make things official with you, or just take this to the next level, you’re their lil princess/prince, they may be rough as hell but they wanna cater to you as well, like making sure you’re enjoying the act and comfortable. i feel like they want to leave their mark on your ass, well maybe that too, like literally leaving marks and lil bruises but it’s all consensual babe, only if you’re up for that, this is what they wanna do with you lovey. they’re skilled with their tongue or they’re getting there but oh bitch they wanna get between your thighs, sucking you off or eating you out, all the things you can do with your mouth they’ll want to do to you downstairs hahaha, they have this grip on you, like a mad hold, not wanting to let you go, oh jeez, they may just get your fucking juices flowing like releasing the flood and that’s your essence, your cosmic crème hehe. gosh they wanna fucking touch you, maybe yall haven’t met yet or there’s a separation period here, like you can’t see each other for whatever reason, could be long distance, could be you both occupied with other responsibilities you know, but when they get you, they don’t wanna let u go, gripping your ass while they eat you out, as if it’s them getting pleasure just from fucking you and tasting you, pleasuring you, you mean a lot to them, yeah they’re confident as fuck but they also want you satisfied babe, they seem to love the hell out of your ass, the fucking touching omg. you turn this person on babe, got em wet as fuck thinking about you or just hard as a damn rock, getting blue balls omg! you guys teasing this person, like holding back, giving them a little taste but pulling back, make sure you’re both on the same page and not playing with their feelings, they like u a lot. i don’t wanna just say like, i wanna say love but im not sure, maybe they’re not sure how you feel about them.nahh bitch they want your ass, i wanted to pull another card from my own homemade oracle and i got “fuck them other ppl, i want you!” yeah they’re set on you lovey, even if others try to make a pass at them, it’s only you for them, all alone together, fucking, so much fucking, my goodness, they may make you nervous as fuck with how direct they are, fine, confident, sure of themself, a pleasure dom?? hmm thats interesting. please be careful with your fluids hahahaha, like if you don’t want any kids then wrap it tf up, i can see they may not want to like pull out of you, i told u marking your ass, or just make sure you’re on birth control but please be aware of the fertile energy here, esp if you’re ovulating boo, just want you guys to be safe okay :) <3

PILE 5 ◛⑅·˚ ༘ ♡

1111 & 111 - please read the affirmation cards above, i wanted to get some guidance for you guys, i hope this resonated with you, kisses and much love 💕🩵💕🩵💕🩵💕

songs ~ closer-ravyn lenae

{with the love card i feel like that’s the angels wanting you to open yourself up to new love, just don’t close your heart off, locking it up because of this person, you’re protected from them and they’re not allowed to be near you woah..hmm, just please be aware, i feel like i should just say slight TW ahead, just weird behavior from whoever these ppl are idk babe, it’s your story so see how it fits your personal perspective, wishing you guys the best. i don’t want to sound cliche but i love you, if no one has told you i love you and you deserve the most amazing partner and lover who will take care of you like you’re fucking royalty, like a god/goddess 🩷 much love to u all 🥹🫶🏾✨💘💫💞}

you guys are gorgeous, beautiful people inside and out, your person is gorgeous as well, do you guys not like the attention like that, idk one part of a song is sticking out to me “scared to put the pussy on him cause he might harass me” so maybe you guys have dealt w like weirdos keeping an eye on you, in your business, too close for comfort. like they’re goo goo ga ga over you, okayy. maybe you guys really do get like catcalled, i’m sorry about that, weird as fuck but this is like a general energy right now, so u might have like a bunch of options or suitors ready to make their move, but they’re blocked off from you, literally in the 3D or energetically. you’re a fantasy to these people. probably just a figment in their imagination..it’s starting off weird idk why but it’s what’s coming out for you guys. as much as they may try to come your way, they’re just not going to succeed, spirit it protecting you, this force that loves you and cares about you and the people or person that wants to get you alone, they’re just not winning, maybe u guys truly clocked someone or whatever they did and decided to block them and now they’re like just fucking air, lmao, but pretending you’re there with them, could be even masturbating to your pictures/videos, any media of you, oh lawd. it’s giving obsessive and possessive, i mean yeah this may be flattering but the energy is a bit weird, like they want to acquire something they can’t have which is YOU! i feel like it’s your sexual energy, people are like clingy with you and your essence bro, wanting you to see them, and their love for you?? but is it truly love or is it infatuation and a bit of an obsession, take it how it resonates but this could be any type of like ex lover/friend/coworker who secretly kept their feelings hidden and now it’s like they’re on a mission to make it known but they’re not grounded in their thinking, too wishful maybe even a bit delusional. and you’re heavily protected, you have a shield around you. they just want a taste of you, i mean this is a who wants to get you alone, im just still trying to figure out if they’re coming in w good intentions, i feel like it’s your body, the physical no matter what you look like, hahaha your lady lumps in so done, im listening to my humps. okay so i got some more clarifiers and this person or people do not have good intentions jfc. they’re plotting on you, it’s probably why you’re so closed off and distant, keeping yourself protected from bozos. it’s like yes they have some desire for you but it’s very inconsistent and it’s like ill love you when i want to type of energy, fucking weirdos omg. i know you may not want to hear this but it’s what’s coming out and im just here transferring the info onto you babe, someone up above wants u to know this, so don’t take it personally, and if you are called to another pile please go with it and listen to your intuition. but this person just wants you to please them like take care of them but their desires are like up and down, so unbalanced, they’re just going to bring a lot of unbalanced, unstable, unreliable fucking energy ur way. do what you want but please be smart about this. but i feel like you already know boo.

PILE 6 ◛⑅·˚ ༘ ♡

okay this is weird right off the bat, it’s like someone wants to be left alone and i’m trying to like get what’s going on here but i feel this fucking blockage again, like the energy is passionate as fuck but someone is playing games, yes that’s what it is, it feels like someone is playing games, making you feel fucking depressed about this too, it seems like your person cannot control their sexual impulses, are they even focused on you like i was getting pulled in many different directions, i can’t focus, maybe they can’t fucking focus on one person i mean it’s like their sexual energy is so intense that they have other people feeling it too, like as they walk past someone (this is a theory) their aura like transfers to the other person and they can feel this like confident really strong sexual attraction and they get off on it. maybe you feel like they’re wasting your fucking time, like they like you but they’re for the fucking streets. probably even like greedy during sex, they want u to pleasure them and cater to their egoic fucking needs, boosting their self esteem, idk like just because they’re skillful and know their way around the bedroom they take advantage of that shit, this is someone who just wants YOU to please them, they want you two to be alone just so you can fucking like take the submissive role jfc, and i say that bc they’re not genuine, not even submissive but like smaller to them, only they get pleasure but then they also. have a secret desire to fucking rock your world, they not making sense u guys omg, like wanting their cake and eating it too if that’s how the saying goes. but this mf seems like a freaking heartbreaker, i mean if you’re not looking for anything serious then that’s fine well not really lmfao, we shouldn’t be playing w no ones feelings period but do what you wanna do boo. they admire you and you turn this person on but they just seem so fucking noncommittal. but i can see they like being between your thighs and they want the same as well, probably like some rough ass head, face fucking you. got them going crazy, fucking feral. i feel like they could be like this w you bc they don’t like how they feel towards you. it’s the same old bs today in this generation for some reason, hiding how they’re feeling so they go and do some fuck shit with other people and you seem to know about this and they just can’t seem to get out of that fast life i guess. i’m sorry yall but please remember your worth and don’t let this person make you feel like insignificant. it’s all about them i was trying to get more about you which is you’re coming off as like monogamous and into only one person like being a slut for only one mf which i get but this person seems to be for everybody, you have a decision to make, i feel like the chemistry is fiery and passionate and amazing when yall are together, here’s a position, you with your legs open while they’re behind you and yall are like sideways and they’re hand is on ur clit, place it where it fits bc it can be reversed too, heavy eye contact too, staring into their eyes as they suck you off or you’re sucking them off geeeez. it’s like they have so many options they can’t even keep up but they’re too conceited with their sexual energy. the tension is here but there’s too many buts haha, seriously. they need to make up their mind and not fucking hurt your heart like that, they seem like they’re like a fuck boy/fuck girl , very promiscuous. yeah they’re definitely holding back from you, i feel like they make love to you through fellatio/cunnilingus, you know this person, they’re apart of your soul tribe, but they’re hiding so much from you regarding how they feel im not sure why, but they have some sort of secret they’re keeping from you. they see you as a precious being, maybe they don’t want to get you involved in their lifestyle, like you’re both on different timelines, pages, stories..you mean something to them but im not sure they’re ready to let go and commit to you if that’s what you want babe, but please don’t be desperate, do what is best for you and take

𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒌 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒊 𝒉𝒐𝒑𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒈𝒖𝒚𝒔 𝒆𝒏𝒋𝒐𝒚𝒆𝒅 𝒎𝒚 𝒇𝒊𝒓𝒔𝒕 18+ 𝒑𝒂𝒄 𝒊 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒅 𝒕𝒐 𝒕𝒓𝒚 𝒔𝒐𝒎𝒆𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒅𝒊𝒇𝒇, 𝒅𝒆𝒇𝒊𝒏𝒊𝒕𝒆𝒍𝒚 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒂 𝒄𝒉𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒆𝒏𝒈𝒆 𝒆𝒔𝒑 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒊𝒓𝒓𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒂𝒍 𝒇𝒆𝒂𝒓 𝒐𝒇 𝒊𝒇 𝒂𝒏𝒚𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒘𝒐𝒖𝒍𝒅 𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆 𝒊𝒕 𝒃𝒖𝒕 𝒊 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒔 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒚’𝒓𝒆 𝒃𝒆𝒂𝒖𝒕𝒊𝒇𝒖𝒍, 𝒉𝒐𝒑𝒆 𝒊𝒕 𝒘𝒂𝒔𝒏’𝒕 𝒕𝒐𝒐 𝒎𝒖𝒄𝒉 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒈𝒖𝒚𝒔, 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒌 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒔𝒖𝒑𝒑𝒐𝒓𝒕 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒊 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖, 𝒅𝒐𝒆𝒔𝒏’𝒕 𝒎𝒂𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒓 𝒊𝒇 𝒊 𝒅𝒐𝒏’𝒕 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒚𝒐𝒖, 𝒊 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒅𝒆𝒔𝒆𝒓𝒗𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒃𝒆 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆𝒅 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒇𝒆𝒆𝒍 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆𝒅 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒈𝒊𝒗𝒆 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆, 𝒌𝒊𝒔𝒔𝒆𝒔 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒎𝒖𝒄𝒉 𝒎𝒖𝒄𝒉 𝒎𝒖𝒄𝒉 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒗𝒗𝒗𝒆𝒆𝒆𝒆𝒆𝒆!!! 𝑴𝑾𝑨𝑯!

[flowerfreya]

Warrant

Part 13 in The Office AU

Chapter Index

Pairing poly!141 x reader

Content: kissing, injury ( mild detail)

Heading back to work , you feel antsy and nervous and keep glancing over at Simon. You kind of want to kiss him. One reason is that you're jealous of your wacky girlfriend and the other because you think that SImon is hot and you think kissing him would be enjoyable.

You’re just not sure how to get him to kiss you, which may be an issue.

Pulling into the parking lot , you turn towards him, “Thanks for treating me to lunch”, smiling. You hope that you're portraying that you want to kiss him but not coming on too strong.

“Was hungry, anyway”, he grumbles.

“Of course, right”.

Your looking into his eyes and he glances away. Like he can’t look at you for a long period of time. Maybe you shouldn’t kiss him. Maybe he doesn’t want to kiss you.

“Alright?”, Simon ask.

Looking at your lap, you're questioning yourself.

“Hey, you can talk to me”, Simon says, trying to catch your eye.

“I know, I’m just nervous and I don’t want to make you uncomfortable”, you start waving your arms and talking with your hands, trying to explain that you don’t want to be a homewrecker but you're really nice to me and you think he’s cute. He cuts you off, “ `M not apart of that”, he says as he waves his hands towards the building.

Your not really surprised, wacky girlfriend doesn’t really include Simon in anything, “how come?”

Simon gives you an exasperated look, “she doesn’t like me like that”.

“That’s a shame”, you reply.

Breathing in deep, you decide to full send it, “can I ask you a question?”.

“Course, anything”, he says.

“Can I kiss you?”, you’re fully ready to be rejected by him, and then he answers in a low groan, “yes”.

Leaning across the center console and capturing his lips with yours. He lets a low moan, letting out a soft, oh. Which spurs you on to keep going. You move your hand to his shoulder, running your hand through his hair at the nape of his neck. He grabs the back of you head and deepens the kiss.

You’re the first to pull away, needing to breathe. Letting out a small laugh, “wow”.

“Yeah”, you look up to Simon wiping both hands down his face, letting out a big breath.

“Yeah”, you respond.

“Well I guess we should head back in”, you open the door , grabbing your stuff. Simon is still in the car sitting staring straight ahead.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, just need a.. moment”, then look over at you and gives you a light smile.

Oh.

Oh.

He’s hard.

~

You see her above you and you see her mouth moving , are you okay , but no sounds. She seems frantic, red faced with tears, looking back and forth between you and the car, it was an accident , I swear her mouth says .It’s like everything has slowed down. Then you feel the pain. You're having trouble taking a full breath and breathing in feels like inhaling fire.

The next face you see is John. He doesn’t look too happy to see you, in fact you think he’s yelling at you. You’re in too much pain to care.

“Can’t breathe”, you painfully choke out.

His face changes then, from angry to sad, “I know luv”, he grabs your hand, “helps coming”.

You see Simon on the other side of you, wanting to get a better look you try turning your head. Bad idea. You let a wail that has Gaz and Soap snapping their head at you and John barking, “don’t move”.

But it’s too late, you see your foot in a direction you don’t think that your foot should be, “goin to be sick”, right as you puke all over Simon's shoes.

He doesn’t seem to care that much because he stays there and strokes your hair, muttering, it’s okay and let it out sweetheart.

You hear Soap ask why you haven’t passed out yet. And honestly you would like to know too because this sucks.

You hear the sirens before you see them. Gaz meets them at the trucks and it explains the situation, pedestrian struck by motor vehicle, speed 45,possible broken rib , ankle displaced.

The EMT’s take your vitals on the scene asking to follow light and how many fingers are they holding up, but you're having trouble focusing.

Losing consciousness , you hear someone say. Get her to the hospital now , you think Soap says before the void takes over.

~

Waking up to the beeps of the hospital machines and your legs and foot wrapped in a cast is a bit jarring. But it all comes back to you pretty quick.

Wacky girlfriend ran you over with her car.

[watermelonlovershigh]

The Next Morning {part. 8} (housemate!harry series) (SMUT)

Spontaneous Pleasures {part 7.} (housemate!harry series) (SMUT)

AN: this is the part most of you have been waiting for. it's here. sorry that this part took so long to get posted. i've been trying to post every sunday, monday, or tuesday. but with my aunt passing and other stresses, this one took me a bit longer. anyways, hope you enjoy and get ready for more to come. xoxo

This story contains: lots of kissing, sex (p in v), dirty talk, mentions of birth control, relationship status updating

{ housemate!harry - softrry - friend!harry - au!harry }

word count- 1,860

It's the morning after your spontaneous pleasures and you wake up naked in Harry's bed, leading to lots of kisses that turn into your first time having sex with one another.

As the morning sun illuminates his bedroom room, Harry begins to rouse from his slumber, the clock indicating its half past seven. Contemplating on whether or not to return to sleep, he recollects the events of the previous night, which stir his senses awake. The spontaneous pleasures he gave you with his fingers on the couch, the pleasurable act of oral sex you gave him, and the exploration of new boundaries from you leave him feeling all giddy inside.

Upon awakening, Harry's eyes slowly open, and the initial image that meets his gaze is you lying on your back. Your head is tilted to the side, and the subtle outline of your breasts can be seen, barely emerging from the covers, due to his request that you both sleep naked. Though Harry is already fairly close to you, he slides over just an inch more until his bare body touches yours. Then without thinking, his lips slowly meet your soft skin and he places gentle kisses from your collar bone to your neck.

When Harry's lips reach your warm neck, they linger, planting gentle kisses along its expanse. Gradually, he opens his mouth and lightly sucks on your skin, leaving a subtle hickey in the crease of your neck. Rather than being startled or pulling away, you find yourself melting into the comfort of the bedding, a soft moan escaping your lips as you welcome his affectionate display at this early hour.

Fully alert now, you tilt your head downwards, causing Harry's lips to separate from your skin. It takes approximately two seconds of gazing into each other's lust filled eyes before you bring your faces together and share a fervent kiss. In the intimate moment, all your typical worries such as morning breath, fade away as Harry slips his tongue between your lips and you accept by opening your mouth, allowing entrance.

The very passionate kissing continues until you pull away for a breath and say, "I need you, Harry."

"Need me how?" Harry pants out, wanting to make sure his suspicions are correct. He doesn't want to assume what you want and make you uncomfortable in anyway.

You reply urgently, "Inside me. I need it so bad. I've waited long enough and can't wait anymore. Just wanna feel close to you." How can Harry say no to that? He eagerly climbs on top of you, with his arms bent on each side of your head, and leans down to continue kissing you. Not so subtly, you raise your hips to try and get any ounce of friction you can on your throbbing clit.

"Condoms?" Harry questions between kisses, "I know m' clean. Haven't slept with anyone for several weeks. But um, you know, for pregnancy reasons we could if you want?"

You shake your head with disagreeance. "No, I'm on birth control now. Since my last bad period. Went to doctors and they gave me birth control to help with my period symptoms."

"Fantastic!" Harry declares before leaning in to initiate another passionate kiss. He always wore condoms when he had random hookups for safety reasons such as STI and pregnancy prevention, so he had plenty in his bed side table drawer. And he had no problem wearing one now in order to prevent a pregnancy, as pregnancy isn't wrote in your future plans anytime soon. Maybe one day, though you haven't discussed that part of your future yet. But hearing you confirm you're okay with going bare makes Harry excited.

His right hand skillfully maneuvers between your pressed bodies, first confirming your wetness, which is very present, and then firmly grasping his erect cock to position it at your entrance. Slowly, he eases his way in making both your breaths catch in the backs of your throats.

"Oh, fuck!" you moan aloud at the feeling of your pussy being stretched by his large cock. "No wonder I heard all your partners moan so loud in here. You're massive."

Harry giggles at your words, his face now smushed between your ear and shoulder. "You've had m' dick in your mouth on several occasions and you're just now realizin' it's big?"

Responding with a chuckle of your own, you answer, "Nah, I've always known you were packing, but this feeling is on another level." The fact that you can share a laugh during an intimate moment such as sex without any awkwardness, brings you immense joy. When you first entered into the more romantic aspects of your relationship with your housemate and friend, you were worried about things becoming too uncomfortable and strange at times. However, so far, everything has gone exceptionally well, with only a few instances of hesitation. You have to admit that you and Harry are incredibly compatible sexually.

Once he's fully inside, Harry pauses for a moment, allowing you to adjust to his impressive size without any discomfort. Sensing your shifting movements, he then begins to withdraw his hips and thrusts forward, resulting in a shared moan of pleasure. To enhance his stability, Harry firmly plants his knees beside your hips on the bed and supports himself up by resting his forearms around your head.

You lift your legs off the bed below and hike them over Harry's hips, locking your feet behind his back. Your hands are placed on his back, clawing at his smooth skin unintentionally. The sounds of skin slapping echos off the walls. Harry isn't fucking you hard and fast due to the time of morning but he isn't going too slow either. Just a comfortable pace for the both of you to enjoy.

After a couple of minutes, your moans get progressively louder, leading Harry to ask, "Are you close f' me, baby? Want you to come all over m' cock. Get it drippin' f' me."

With a hint of shyness, you reply, "Yes..... mhm, very close. Would you mind, you know, giving me a little rub?" It puzzles you as to why asking for such a favor feels embarrassing. Typically, during your past one-night stands, you would either use a vibrator or your own hands to satisfy your clit, beings you usually have trouble coming from penatration alone. However, in Harry's bedroom, you lack a vibrator and you feel comfortable enough with him to ask for his assistance.

Harry could answer with a quick, "Yes, of course.", but because he's a sucker for dirty talk and slight teasing, actually replies with, "Yeah, want me to rub your little clit, baby? Is it beggin' f' my attention?"

You nod your head vigorously against your pillow and your breath becomes more rapid, signaling your impending orgasm, yet yearning for that final touch to propel you forward. Sensing your impatience, Harry maintains his position above you, using his left arm for support, while his right hand ventures down your body.

Skillfully, his fingers slip between where you're bodies are connected and effortlessly finds your clitoris. He then begins to rub the small nerve in circular motions with his slippery fingers in hopes to push you over the edge. Because he knows he himself isn't going to last much longer and would really like for you to come first.

He completes approximately eight circular motions around your clit when your climax starts to engulf you. Your breathing hitches in your throat, your back arches off the bed, your toes curl from their place around Harry's waist, and your thoughts fade as bliss consumes your mind. Glancing down and seeing you release results in Harry experiencing his own orgasm.

"Mhm, fuck!" Harry mutters under his breath as he reaches his peak. He withdraws his hand from your overly sensitive clit and places it back beside your head to steady himself over you. His hips move forward in uncoordinated motions as he releases his semen deep inside you. As you're still catching your breath, you open your eyes and observe him in awe as he climaxes.

Harry's facial expressions scrunch up, resembling pain, although it's evident that he's in anything but pain. His trembling arms struggle to uphold his weight, while his stomach muscles contract with each orgasmic spasm that surges through his body. Gradually, his body becomes motionless as he slowly descends from the peak of his pleasure.

His weight collapses on top of you with a thud, and you hold him close. You notice Harry's cock slowly losing its hardness inside of you and can't help but find the feeling strange. Most men you've been with would withdraw immediately after climaxing, so this post-sex closeness is new to you. It feels incredibly intimate and you savor every moment of it. You enjoy the sensation of Harry's body pressing against yours, and the warm breath on your neck from him resting his head on your shoulder.

A minute passes before Harry slowly begins to sit up, still inside you, might I add. "Can I ask you somethin'? And you don't have to have an answer right away or anythin'. Just want to see where we stand."

You glance up, nodding, "Yeah, of course. What is it?" You honestly have no idea what Harry's going to ask you and it's got you a bit nervous.

Taking a deep breath, he questions nervously, "Um, would you maybe like to be m' girlfriend? And look, I know it may be too soon. I know we said we were gonna take our relationship slow but, I mean we did just have sex and I know for me at least I want to be exclusive and I just, yeah."

The biggest smile spreads across your face, and then you burst out laughing, which in turn makes you accidently clench around his softened cock that remains inside you.

Harry nearly doubles over in pain when you clench his very sensitive dick. "What's so funny, huh? And stop clenchin', baby, it hurts."

Panting for breath, you express, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's just that you asked me to be your girlfriend while you're still inside me. I find it kinda funny. It's like in the future when someone asks how you asked me out, I can't simply say, 'yeah, Harry asked me to be his girlfriend after sex while he was still deep inside me.' But anyways, to answer your question, yes, I would love to be your girlfriend."

Without uttering a word, Harry leans down to convey his appreciation for your answer by kissing you. The sheer intensity of the kiss takes your breath away, causing you to inhale deeply. Amidst the kiss, you manage to whisper, "Okay, you need to pull out or else you'll get me going again, and I'm too exhausted for another round right now."

"Alright, but just know now that I've had a taste, there's no stoppin' me. M' gonna fuck you in the shower, on the couch, in the kitchen, on the floor, in the car, on a plane......"

"Harry," *playful giggles*, "enough. I get it. But right now, I should use the bathroom and we should shower. Then maybe have a bite to eat for breakfast before getting back into bed for a nap. Like I said, I'm exhausted."

"Whatever you say, girlfriend."

(PLEASE REBLOG BECAUSE WRITING IS NOT EASY AND IT'S FREE SO JUST DO IT)

(no more tags are allowed because i've hit my number limit. sorry : ( )

tag list: @one-sweet-gubler // @harryscherrysugar // @hsfanficsrecss // @lollypopsx // @harrycanyonmoonn // @allthelovehes // @damnasstyles  // @mrsstylesharry // @softmullet  // @meetmyblondemuffins  // @thegirlnextdoorssister // @stanleystyles  // @haarrrys // @michellekstyles  // @skyangel57   // @the-gardener-31 // @lhharrylilpumpkin // @yousunshine-youtemptress // @clairestylessss  // @kissmyaxe140  // @goldenmelonsugar-hi // @kaitieskidmore97 // @florencepughily  // @alienorknight //@dancearoundthelivingroom  // @swiftmendeshoran

 // @luv-flor7777  // @alohastyles-x // @tenaciousperfectionunknown  // @sleutherclaw // @siredtohybrid // @whoscamila // @a-strange-familiar  // @golden-elodie // @mrspeacem1nusone //  @goldenkhae // @lntwithhrry  // @shadowygladiatorlight  // @manifestrry  //@mendesblurb // @sunshinemoonsposts  // @depersonalizationsucks // @academiaghost // @zendayassimp // @reveriehs // @vsnnstuff // @dancinsunflowerkiwi // @quinnsgrapejuice // @walkingintheheartbreaksatellite // @justlemmeholdyou // @hsonlyangelxo // @luvonstyles // @howdey

______________

My Masterlist Masterpost

In Sickness and in Health {part. 9}

[creature-wizard]

Manifestation Without Woo: Changing Your Brain

So let's talk about your brain. Every life experience changes the way your brain works in some way.

If a beloved family member favors a certain kind of candy, your brain will likely wire itself to produce positive feelings when you see that candy. But if someone cruel to you favors a certain style of shirt, your brain will likely wire itself to produce negative feelings when you see that shirt.

If you grew up with caregivers who neglected you or broke their promises, your brain probably wired itself not to trust other people, and to only rely on yourself.

If you grew up in poverty, or if your parents always refused to get you nice things for any reason, your brain may have wired itself to see nice/expensive things as inherently unattainable.

If you were always comparing your looks against glossy airbrushed celebrities, your brain may have wired itself to perceive the way you look as inadequate, maybe even ugly.

If people were always telling you that you were stupid, ugly, lazy, worthless, or whatever, your brain may have wired these beliefs in.

Thus it's possible to accumulate many negative beliefs that get in the way of happiness and self-fulfillment. And it sucks. But there's good news - your brain structure is changeable. This is called neuroplasticity.

So how do you do it? Simple: You make your brain re-wire itself by telling and showing it a different narrative.

Techniques and practices such as affirmations, writing scripts, visualization boards are all excellent ways to do this. All of those techniques for changing your self-concept are really techniques for rewiring your brain!

Also, your brain will rewire itself better if you're less stressed out and getting proper nutrition and hydration. This is why stuff like meditation, "healing frequencies," moving around and getting exercise, adding more nutritious foods to your diet, and making sure you're getting enough water can be very helpful.

It's also important to be mindful of things that might reinforce the narrative you're tying to overwrite. For example, if you feel like you're worthless because you're ugly, hanging out with people who call others ugly as an insult probably won't be good for you. If you're insecure about your intelligence, you might want to hold off on watching movies that feature supergeniuses as main characters. If there's anything that might be feeding your negative beliefs, try and cut it out of your mental diet for awhile, and see if it makes a difference.

Affirmations, scripts, etc. that reinforce a narrative of needing to be better than others, or needing to meet some arbitrary level of success to have value can also reinforce negative narratives. Are you telling yourself that you're the most beautiful/handsome? Stop that. Tell yourself that you're attractive, period. Are you telling yourself that you're a "high-value person"? Again, stop that. Just tell yourself that you deserve love and respect.

Also, if you're dealing with mental illness, you shouldn't really expect this to be a full-on cure for it. You might be able to rewire your brain in a way that your mental illness is less impactful, but that doesn't mean you won't stop experiencing symptoms in some way. It's okay if you still need medication, professional therapy, etc.

Finally, remember: what you are doing is a natural, organic process - you're making your brain grow differently. This means it'll take time! You can't expect yourself to get overnight results any more than you can expect an acorn to turn into a whole oak tree overnight. Anyone out there telling you that you can just do this overnight without any effort has probably already rewired their brain a lot more than they realize, and underestimates how much work it took them to get where they are.

[superdupersunny420]

A Little Visit - Sam (Stardew Valley) x GN Reader

Blurb - Poor farmer hasn’t had a lot of motivation to do… anything really. A certain blonde skater wanted to check up on them.

Sam is such a cutie and he’s all over my tiktok right now so, first fic had to be him <3

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

You hadn’t written a letter to your parents in a while. Your mom made sure to write often and your dad often put little messages into her letters for you. The motivation to get up to a desk or table never really hit, at least that was at the start.

No motivation to write a letter moved to no motivation to plant any seeds for the season and when it hit the 11th day of summer, you had no motivation to get up and go to the Luau. Spending all day in bed, only getting up to go to the bathroom or get something to eat, felt better than having to get up and ready for the day. If someone of Pelican Town were to ask why you have been hiding away in your little home on the farm, you wouldn’t have much of an answer for them, a shrug of your shoulders at most. As much as it sucks for you to not have an answer, it’s just the way it’s always been. Periods of time where even the simplest of tasks would be so difficult for you, where even simply getting out of bed is such a chore that you can hardly achieve it.

‘Maybe that’s why my parents have been sending me letters more often.’ They probably realise that you’re in one of your… moods.

However, your mopping around was interrupted by a knock on the door. Debating on whether you actually wanted to get up and answer, the knock progressively got louder until you flung the blanket off you and waddled your way over. You didn’t know what you were expecting but it definitely wasn’t the blonde hair boy you’ve been crushing on practically since you’ve come to pelican town.

Sam stood at your door, a sheepish smile on his face scratching the back of his neck.

“Hey.”

You quickly shut the door in his face. You knew you looked a mess; in the same clothes you’ve been sleeping in for… who knows how many days. Your hair greasy and messy from doing nothing except lying in bed in the heat. He couldn’t see you like this and oh god, the farm. You haven’t been out to tidy the farm in a while and your lack of crops must have been a pathetic sight.

“Um… you okay?”

But that’s also when you realise you can’t just leave Sam standing outside. He was obviously here for a reason, one of which you weren’t even willing to hear him out on before rudely slamming a door in his face. So after a few seconds of peptalk and mentally preparing for socialising, you opened the door once again.

“Sorry bout’ that. Um, ignore the appearance, I… haven’t got ready today?”

It sounded a lot more like you were trying to convince yourself than him, but Sam didn’t point it out, he just smiled. The same cute grin he always has on his face, the one that brought butterflies to your stomach and made your heart skip a beat. It was a weird thing to think about, the fact that whether you’re fully presentably or looking the messiest, he still has the same look in his eyes.

“Ha, no problem! I just thought I would swing by, see how things are.”

Oh. Well, guess he must have noticed you haven’t been out much.

You pushed open your door to allow him to come in and offered him a Joja Cola (knowing he liked them) all the while getting yourself a drink and trying to make yourself look at least a little more presentable. After grabbing drinks, you both take a seat at the small table. Sam looked around, feeling a bit awkward with what to do. He’s come over to the farmers house but doesn’t really know what to do now. ‘Hey, I’ve noticed you’ve not left your house in like 11 days? What’s up with that? Also, I lowkey miss our chats and you so where have you been?’ wouldn’t really be the way to go about this all.

“So is everything okay? Did you need something?”

No time for him to think though, Sam looked at you with an unreadable expression on his face.

“Uh, yeah- no. But…”

He took a second, taking a sip of his Joja Cola and putting the can down, looking at his hands for a second before looking back at you with a face of concern.

“I don’t want to be nosey or be pushing you in anyway, but I’ve noticed you’ve not really been, out? You weren’t at the Luau either. I just… I don’t know, I was worried for you. You’re always about the town, it’s weird not seeing you around anymore.”

You stare at Sam for a second, processing what he just said. You never really realised that other people would care, or even realise that you weren’t up and about. You really didn’t really know what to say, only having it in you to look at him with a frown on your face.

“Obviously, if you don’t want to talk about it that’s fine! But, I’ve got no plans today and I’m not at work so if you’re wanting some company?”

Sam smiles, the same stupid grin on his face and you can’t help the small smile on yours as tears well up in your eyes.

“Sam, I- You’re too sweet.”

Pink rushes to Sam’s checks and he waves one of his hands in the air.

“Hey! What friend would I be if I left you in here all alone.”

You shuffle a bit in your seat and look down at your hands, knowing that Sam was still waiting for an answer to his original question (are you okay?). You’ve never really opened up too many people before, only your mom and dad knowing about your problems, it’s hard for you to be honest. But, Sam sits, a small reassuring smile on his face, one hand holding his can of Joja Cola, and his other being used as a head rest. His eyes held no judgment, and he gave no indication that you were in a rush. He was willing to sit there for as long as you needed.

“I don’t know, I just… I always have periods where I just, lose all my motivation. It sounds stupid I know.”

Sam shakes his head and goes to butt in; however, you don’t let him. If you don’t get it all out now you don’t think you’ll be able to push yourself to get it out later.

“And I know it’s not that simple. I can’t just stop being a functioning human being but its’s so, so hard. I can hardly get out of bed, which means I’ve just let the farm handle itself and I couldn’t even push myself to go to the Luau. God, I haven’t even written to my family in ages. I just… can’t. Everything feels like such a chore, and I- “

You stop to take a deep breath, tears welling up in your eyes. You’d been looking down at the table since the start of your rambling, not having it in you to look at Sam.

“Woah, man. Seems like a lot you’ve been dealing with.”

Sam’s smile is gone, instead it’s replaced with a face of concern. He doesn’t push you to look at him or anything, he just continues with what he’s saying.

“It’s okay to feel down in the dumps, you’re human it’s bound to happen. And you’ve done so much since you’ve first moved to pelican town, if I’m being honest, I’m amazed you’ve only just reached the burnout stage. But you don’t have to deal with this all alone, you’ve got the whole town to help you with things! And you can always come to me if you ever need anything, I’m happy to help.”

You look up at Sam, eyes red from crying, face looking puffy and messy, but Sam says nothing. He just smiles at you, looking at you with a face of compassion.

“I know me saying all this isn’t just gonna cure your problems but, I hope it helps. And as I said, I’ve got no plans today so I’m happy to help or keep you company!”

You stand up and walk over to Sam’s side of the table, instinctively he stands up at well, and you wrap your arms around him. He’s quick to crush you into a hug back.

“Also, I’ve missed our talks, I have new music to show you AND I beat my high score on my game!”

Sam quietly whispers and you let out a little laugh and smile, even though you know it’ll take a little bit more for you to break out your habits, you’re happy you’ve got a friend there to help you along the way.

“So! What should we do, farmer?”

Sam grins at you and puts a thumbs up. You laugh at the nickname and take a second to think.

“I need to write a letter to my parents, and maybe if I have the effort, I’ll plant some seeds tomorrow.”

Sam nods and puts up an okay sign.

“If you want, I can go to Pierre’s and buy the seeds you need while you get busy writing?”

You smile at Sam and nod, quickly scribbling down a list of the summer seeds you need and handing over the money he’ll need. You walk to the door and see him pick up his skateboard as he turns to wave.

“Be back soon! You better get writing!”

You turn into your house with a smile, grabbing a pen and paper before sitting at the table. You’re thankful for your visit from Sam, and even more thankful for everything that he’s willing to do for you, his friend.

[trippinsorrows]

with me + part eight

authors note: wow, you guys just keep on amazing me. all of the kind comments really do make my day, you have no idea. the beginning of this one is heavy, but i'm gradually working towards exposing more of reader and joe's backstories!!!

song inspo: with me by destiny's child

status: in progress // masterlist

warnings: angst (parental neglect, abandonment) language, suggestive themes

words: 6k

taglist: @pixiedust4000 @southerngirl41 @yolobloggers @msbigredmachine @wanderingreigns

“It’s been almost a year, babe.” His tone is the perfect combination of understanding yet frustrated, like he’s trying his best to be patient but his needs are getting the best of him. “You still not ready?”

You wanted someone to talk to for the drive, even if it was only an hour, but at this moment, you’re regretting choosing your boyfriend.

“I just….I want to be really sure, okay?” 

This has been the latest conversation between the two of you, more a point of contention. You care about Amir, you love him, but there’s something about letting him take your virginity you’re still a bit unsure about. Maybe it’s the fact that you just turned 16 three months ago and still feel like you’re a bit on the young side to take that next step. Or maybe it’s the fact that you guys have been rocky, almost since the beginning, having your fair share of arguments, even makeups and breakups. 

But, you also know that even with the ups and downs, a year deep for a high school relationship is almost unheard of. That has to mean something.

“I love you, and you love me, right?”

You check the rearview mirror and switch lanes. “Of course.”

“So let’s seal the deal.”

A glance at the navigation makes you aware that you’re roughly ten minutes away from your destination. Instantly, your stomach begins to twist and knot. And like many with anxiety, it comes out as anger.

“Look, can you please just stop pressuring me?” You snap. “I feel like that’s all you ever want to talk about.”

“Whoa, whoa, where’s all this attitude coming from?” He, understandably, becomes defensive. A small part of you feels bad, taking your nerves out on him, even if it’s not entirely undeserved. It has become an annoying, frequent hot topic. “Am I wrong for wanting to be close to my girlfriend?”

“Bullshit. You just want to get your dick wet.” 

“If that was the case, I wouldn’t be asking you,” he retorts, arrogantly. “I can get pussy anywhere.”

That’s the wrong thing to say, obviously, because you angrily fire back, “fine, then go do that and leave me and my pussy alone!”

He sucks his teeth on the other side. “I’ll talk to you when you not in one of your bitch moods. Must be on your period or something.”

“Fuck you, Amir.”

The phone disconnects.

He hung up.

Frustrated, for a lot of reasons, you squeeze the steering wheel and curse, loudly. This isn’t what you needed. You’re regretting not calling Mariah instead. You’re starting to regret this decision altogether but work to remind yourself why you’re doing it, why you want to do it. Amir and his shit be damned. He’ll always be there, and you’ll figure the shit out, like you always do. 

Right now though, you need to focus on yourself and your plan. 

So, you spend the rest of your time driving by feeding positive mantras into yourself in an attempt to bleed out the negativity. 

It’s especially needed when you finally arrive at your destination, parking your car as far back in the parking lot as you can. You blow out a big, deep breath, keeping your hands on the steering wheel as it really sets in that you’re doing this, finally doing something you’ve wanted since you got your license but have been too scared to follow through on. 

It’s going to be a daunting task no matter what, but it’s what you want, and you’ve come too far to back out now. 

Shaky hands reach to pull down the sun visor so you can use the mirror to assess your makeup and hair. You’d saved up your paychecks to afford this 14k gold necklace the local jeweler had gotten in stock and kindly agreed to hold until you could afford it. You just wanted to look your best.

You needed to look your best.

Blowing out another breath, you reach to spray another layer of your trial size perfume. It was some expensive ass designer fragrance that smelled sinfully sweet, but the trial one was all you could afford. 

Climbing out of the car with your best bag, you make sure to lock the door and start heading toward the entrance, offering a few small smiles to the cops you pass by.

Stepping into the precent, you march right up to the front desk with your head held high.

“Hi,” you breathe, pasting on that rehearsed smile. “I—umm, is Captain Wilson available?”

“Uhhhh.” She stands up and looks back, most likely where his office is. “I believe so, can I ask what this is in regards to?”

Crap. You hadn’t thought about what to say, how to explain how you knew him. Quickly, you settle on, “old family friend.”

She assesses you, probably wondering why their police captain is family friends with a high schooler.

Thankfully, she nods and moves from behind the desk to escort you. “Follow me.” 

You’re briefly relieved that the first part is done, far from the hardest but necessary for you to actually get to the hard part. 

She knocks on the open door. “Captain?”

He looks up, and your stomach drops. 

Years.

It’s been years since you’ve seen him, been this close in proximity. He’s older, obviously, but still very similar to how you remembered him all those years ago. He looks at you for a second, clearly confused and then at the woman.

“She said she’s a family friend.”

Nervous that this will mess up your plan, you interrupt, “I—I need to speak with you, please.”

The woman turns to you. “I thought you said—”

He lifts his hand, standing up. “It’s fine, Yang.” He motions to the door. “Leave us.”

You can feel her distasteful expression on you, but she follows his command, closing the door behind you. 

“Well, how can I help you, young lady?”

It's such a loaded question, but you came prepared, ready to jump right to the point. Don't want to waste any time.

"I, well, I'm—" Chuckling, you reach into your bag and pull out the old picture of your mom you kept in your locker. Opening and showing it to him, you watch his entire facial expression shift from friendly to shocked. "I'm your—"

“What are you doing here?” There’s a sudden change in his tone, even in his body posture, less friendly, more hostile. Clearly, he recognizes you.

“I—” The answer is simple yet difficult to get out, but you manage. “I wanted to meet my father.”

He suddenly asks, accusingly. “Did your mother put you up to this?” 

“What?” Frowning, you explain, “no, no, she—she doesn’t even know I’m here. No one does.”

“Good,” he mutters. “Listen—”

“I’m 16 now,” you interject, suddenly remembering the list of things you wanted to share with him, wanted him to know about you. “And I’m—I’m captain of my school’s cheerleading squad. Took my team to state last year. I’ve had a couple of scouts from colleges reach out already.”

“Listen—”

“And I just got my SAT scores back. I got a 1400. A 32 on my ACT. That puts me in the top 10% of the nation for both of them.”

“Is there a reason you’re telling me all of this?”

“I thought—” This is going the complete opposite of how you planned, how you hoped. You expected him to be confused and surprised, but you didn’t expect this level of disinterest and aggravation. Like you’re annoying him. Like you’re bothering him. “I thought if—if you saw me, if you met me and see I’m not a bad kid that—that maybe you’d want a relationship with me.”

 “A relationship?” He scoffs, actually fucking scoffs. “Why would I want a relationship with you? You’re not even supposed to exist.”

Of all the things to say—cruel, hurtful, mean—you’re not sure just what to label this. Because it’s almost inconceivable to you that he could say such a thing while looking directly at you, as if you’re not his blood. As if you’re not his daughter.

“I—” Any hope or confidence you had is all but squashed underneath the weight of his cruelty. “I’m your daughter.”

“No, you are a mistake that I paid your mother to take care of.” He turns away, one hand on his hip, the other running his hand over his face. “Biggest waste of money I ever spent.”

Devastated. It’s the closest word you can use to describe what you’re feeling right now, all over, in every crevice of your body. You never knew a person could feel so much pain at one time. 

That a heart could feel so heavy.

“How—”

“Honey—”

Turning your head, you see a woman dressed in fine clothes, adorned in real, 14k or more jewelry, and a smile that doesn’t meet her eyes when she sees the Captain isn’t alone. “I’m sorry, am I interrupting something?”

You’re unsure how to answer, especially when you notice the big rock on her finger. It doesn’t take much to realize this must be his wife. The same woman he cheated on with your mother and unintentionally created you. 

“Not at all,” he answers with a chuckle. You watch with a twisted stomach as she walks over to him, kissing his cheek. He smiles at her with such adoration, such happiness, a complete contrast with the disgust and disdain he sent your way. “I was just telling this young lady there’s nothing we can do for her.”

Young lady. That’s all you are to him, and it was stupid of you to trick yourself into believing otherwise. If he could go sixteen years without once asking or inquiring about you, he could go another sixteen. Another 100. You weren’t a part of his world, didn’t exist there, and you never would.

“Dad, Elijah won’t get out of the car. I swear, you should have kept me an only—” Another person enters the room and also stops mid-sentence. “---child.” An identical set of brown eyes land on you, eyes that he has, that you have. The similarities don’t stop there. Nose, lips, even bone structure to some extent, age. “Oh, my bad. Dad, who’s—” 

You never give her the chance to finish or yourself the chance to hear the rest of her question. Rushing past her as well as the other cops in the precinct who surprisingly don’t try to stop you, you don’t allow your feet to rest until you’re in the safety of your car. 

And that’s when it finally comes out. 

The guttural, vulnerable scream that you’ve been holding in. You beat at the steering wheel, narrowly avoiding the horn. You beat at that thing until your wrist aches and fist grows tired. Nearly hyperventilating, the sob erupts from your throat, almost your entire body shaking from the intensity. You’ve never felt so awful in your life, so empty, so unwanted and unloved.

It’s the kind of pain that’s so visceral you can only understand if you’ve felt it, and no one deserves to feel this. 

Stupid.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

You feel it, and more, for bringing yourself down here and making a fool of yourself. 

A family. 

He has a whole family. He already has children, has a daughter who’s close in age. A daughter he loves and whose life he wants to be involved in. 

And it’s not you.

It’s never been you, and it’ll never be you.

Finally, you understand why your mom always shot down or redirected any attempt you made to ask about your dad. It was for this reason. This is what she was trying to protect you from, and you idiotically ran right into the line of fire. 

Immensely grateful you had the wherewithal to park as far back as you could, you sit there for who knows how long, screaming, crying, heartbroken, avoiding what’s sure to be the longest drive home of your life.

There’s such an intolerable level of discomfort at this, this pain, this hurt. You don’t want to feel it, don’t want to sit in it. You can’t. You’re not sure if you can continue to function in this state.

You need a distraction. 

And you have the perfect one. Whatever development has occurred in the prefrontal cortex is nonexistent and inactive as you dig in your purse for your phone. 

With shaky fingers, you send him a simple text, knowing he’ll know exactly what you mean.

Tonight. Let’s do it tonight. 

________

Three days after her emergency surgery, Calista was officially discharged from the hospital, allowing her to be home with you just in time for Thanksgiving. Not that that ended up being anything to write home about. You opted to stay home with her, aiding in her recovery as your mom came over to drop off some food and assist in nursing your sweet little girl back to health.

It was much appreciated, especially as Joe had to leave the day before she was released, much to his and Callie’s chagrin. She loved the company of you, even your mom, but she especially loved being around and with Joe.

Not that he was any different. You could see how much it killed him to have to leave her when she was still admitted in a hospital, so you had to continue to remind him that the hardest part was over. Ironic considering how grounded he kept you in that terrifying experience. 

Joe’s promise of returning for Christmas was the only thing that kept Callie slightly less disappointed. She loves Christmas, and him being there for her favorite holiday will definitely mean a lot to her. You know she just hates having to wait so long to see him again. It’s safe to say she’s pretty attached to him, which warms your heart and makes you even more eager for her to finally realize that Joe is not just Joe.

He’s her dad.

And speaking of daddy, your dynamic with Joe has been both different yet the same. There’s always been this chemistry between you two, but it seems him finally admitting he wants to be with you and your finally acknowledging that it's something you’re willing to consider has given him privilege to up the ante.

He’s always been forward with you, but it’s been subtle, if at all present, since his return.

That's no longer the case.

He makes his comments and innuendos, always appropriate and respectful enough to not warrant pushback. But, it’s still there. 

And you like it, way more than you should for someone who doesn’t even know how she feels about any of this to begin with. 

“I have an idea.”

Th comment comes from the very person who you summoned to help with said ambivalence chimes with that mischievous smile that almost got you both kicked out of school at least two times.

Alexis Palmer stands on the opposite side of the kitchen, a bottle of vodka in one hand and another unidentified alcoholic beverage in the other. To say you summoned her may be a bit of an exaggeration. You emailed her, yes, but you didn’t except her to actually fly across the world to come visit you. Apparently, she was in Norway when she received your email.

“You couldn’t not expect me to come. You sent out the bestie bat signal!”

The first time you met Alexis, you hated her. She was your assigned roommate who you had the displeasure of meeting during move in week. A large part of your disdain for her was because she represented everything you’d always found utterly annoying: rich, entitled, privileged.

You’d quickly find out that was only partially true. Yes, Alexis came from money, but that was essentially all she came from. You’ll never forget the time you two were actually having a decent conversation and she casually mentioned that neither of her parents had ever told her happy birthday before. Ever. 

Even your mom, though not having much, made sure to make the most of all of your special days.

That was the first day you started to see our roommate in a different light, and now, over ten years later, you consider her a best friend. If Alexis didn’t spend her life randomly traveling to various parts of the world, living comfortably off her trust fund money, you’d absolutely be much closer. 

But until, or if, she gets tired of always being on the go, you settle for email updates and countless snapchat messages because WIFI is a wonderfully universal thing when compared to international texting and call fees.

Alexis's partially drunk ass skips out of the kitchen, clearly going to retrieve something as you take a moment to check your phone. It took a moderate level of convincing for you to agree to Callie spending a day or two with your mom, not that you didn’t believe she wouldn’t be in the best care. It was just some lingering anxiety from your baby being hospitalized, that mother’s fear of something happening in your absence and you not being there to comfort her.  

But, your mom brought up a valid point, that you’d spend almost nonstop time with Callie since her discharge, and that was fine. You loved spending time with you little girl, but you also needed some time for yourself. Some adult interaction, and Alexis' surprise visit created the perfect opportunity. 

So, that brings you to your current scenario, having an in-house girl night with your college roommate, drinking wine (harder liquor for her) and figuring out just what the fuck you’re doing with your non-existent love life. 

When Alexis turns with one of your poster boards, you protest, “Lex, those are for my students.”

She gives you the most disgusted look. “Girl, fuck them kids. If it’s not my sweet Cal Gal, I don’t care.”

Knowing good and well this is a losing battle, you let it go and watch as she lays the poster board on the kitchen island and pulls out a sharpie.

“What are you—”

She lifts a finger, silencing you as she continues to write. Shaking your head, you take another sip of your wine. 

Alexis is done in a matter of a few minutes and finally prompts you to look. “Okay, all done.”

It’s in reading what she’s created that you nearly drop your wine glass. “Lex, what is this?”

She rolls her eyes, pointing with the sharpie to the title. “Obviously, it’s the ‘figure out who I should be with’ chart. Created by yours truly!”

You blink a couple times. “Alexis, why is Kai’s name up here? He was a high school hookup.”

“Yes, but still a hookup nonetheless, so he makes the cut.” Lord as much as you missed Alexis, you’d almost forgotten how draining her eccentric ways can be. “Now, as you can see, each option has a pros and cons column. I say we start with the pros, and I’ll even help you out.”

“Should I be scared?”

She pauses. “Maybe.”

Shaking your head, you wait for her to quickly jot down whatever she objectively believes is considered a pro. But, when she turns the poster around, you actually laugh. “Oh my god.”

She’s written only in Joe’s pro column, but it’s more what she has written that has you humored.

“Obviously, at number one, we have 'big dick' because that's the most important thing in life. Never commit to a micro-penis.”

Ignoring the latter part of her statement, you ask, “big dick? Really?” 

“Is it a lie?” She challenges. You open your mouth and immediately close it, taking another sip of wine. “I rest my case.” Yeah, you definitely can’t fight that one. “Wait, is he the one you tried anal with that one time?”

You nearly spit out your wine, for a couple of reasons. You'd never really considered yourself a feminist, but you were definitely someone who believed in women being free sexual beings. You never subscribed to that modesty bullshit. Sex was fun to you, and you liked it. You definitely considered yourself more on the freaky side. Outside of the really weird shit and threesomes, you were down to try whatever. Especially with Joe. Well, except for that. “Absolutely not. He’s too big. That shit already hurts, hence why it was one and done.”

Confused, she asks. “Who was it then?”

“Amir,” you answer, casually. Alexis, being Alexis, was pretty much the same as you when it came to embracing sexuality, hence speaking so openly about your sex lives.

She turns up her nose. “Yuck. Okay, back to Big Dick Joe.” After over 10+ years of friendship, you’ve learned, to some extent, certain things Alexis says just have to be chalked up to being a part of who she is. Like this entire activity that you’re for some reason entertaining. “Now get back to naming!”

You shrug, thinking about it, even if there’s not much to think about. “I mean, we have a child together already.”

“Oh damn, forgot about that,” she mutters and quickly adds Callie to the list of pros. “Sorry, Cal.”

This isn’t necessarily a difficult task. You’re pretty sure you could talk for 30 minutes straight about all of the reasons you like Joe. “He’s kind, smart, easy to talk to, an amazing dad to Callie.”

She downs the last of her concoction before shouting out, “oooh, don’t forget rich!”

Your eyes lift to the ceiling as you shrug, genuinely uninterested. “You know I don’t care about that.”

“You will when it’s time for Callie to go to college,” she ‘sings’, adding it to the board. “Fine as fuck,” Alexis talks aloud while writing the same thing. “Like very fine. As in you should have asked if his wife could fight fine because the way I never would have asked that man to leave—”

“Alexis.”

“Sorry.” She’s really not. “Why don’t we switch gears? How about we do the pros for Amir? Or even Kai?” You open your mouth to respond when she cuts you off. “Couldn’t think of any? Me neither. Back to Joe, it is.”

You run your hand against the side of your face, elbow on the section of the island that’s not occupied by the poster board. “Seriously, Alexis. There’s nothing there for Kai. At all. Hell, Amir neither.”

It’s like a light goes off, like all of her efforts have finally proved fruitful. The entirety of her eccentricity minimizes to something calm and considerate. “Exactly.” Laying down the poster, she comes and sits in the bar seat next to you. “You don’t like Amir. You definitely don’t like Kai. But, you do like Joe. Maybe more, though I’m not sure you’re ready to actually admit that out loud.” Much like a lot of what she says, though usually cloaked underneath her quirkiness, she’s correct. “So, what’s the real issue, roomie? It was his wife before, which I totally understood. You’re a moral person and shit. But now? He’s divorced, Y/N. You two have a child you’re trying to raise together. What’s holding you back?”

It’s a very, very valid question that you have no idea how to answer. You’ve tried, to some extent, to explore what your hesitations are. It hasn’t been high on the priority list due to your being focused on nursing Callie back to health, but as she’s on the mend to a full recovery, if not already at the eve of one, you know you’re gonna have to figure this shit out. Preferably sooner than later. 

Joe will respect your need for time and space, but you also know he can be a persistent bastard, especially when it’s something or someone he wants.

It’s how ya’ll even got together in the first place. 

“I’m gonna say something, and I don’t want you to bite my head off. Just hear me out. Let me put this expensive ass psych degree to use.” That makes you chuckle, but you remain quiet, allowing her to continue. “I think….I think whatever the situation is with your dad might be at play here.” Instantly, you're stiff, any hint of a smile or humor gone. “I don’t know exactly what happened outside of the fact that he’s not in your life, but something tells me there’s something there that you need to face.” And if she wasn’t already hitting you where it hurts, she adds on, “and I think it had something to do with why you didn’t tell Joe about Callie from the very beginning.” 

Alexis has always had this uncanny ability to make you wonder if there’s something possibly mentally wrong with her and in the same breath wonder why the hell she didn’t decide to pursue a higher degree in psychology because of her sage wisdom.

This is one of those moments.

You know there’s some element of truth to what she’s saying, some layers behind events you’d pushed so far back in your head, you tried to convince yourself they didn’t still impact you. 

But opening that box…..it’s hard for you to justify doing so. To understand why you need to revisit such uncomfortable, painful memories. You’re gonna be 32 years old next year. You’re too damn old to still be dealing with daddy issues.

Reaching for the bottle of wine, you pour some into your glass, noticeably more than the first one. “Maybe.” 

Alexis also knows you well enough to know that a dismissal was bound to be your approach to such a heavy topic. “Is that the sign to change subjects, even though that’s literally why you asked me to come?"

“Technically, you invited yourself.”

“Bullshit,” she snorts. “You send that wild ass email and expect me to not book it back here to make sure my favorite twerk partner isn’t Gucci?” She suddenly asks, “wait, do people still say that?”

“Probably not. We’re old and outdated now.”

“Speak for yourself, I had a 24 year old Frenchman eat me out last month, and it was C'est Magnifique,” she sighs, clearly reminiscing as you turn up your nose.

“Too young for me, girl.” Younger men have never done anything for you, even Amri, who was a grade above you, felt too close in age.

“That’s right,” she nods, and you just know there’s something on the tip of her tongue. “You like em’ older. Samoan, tatted, with massive arms and big dicks.” 

“Alexis.” You have to laugh, leaning into her side and laying your head on her shoulder. “I’ve missed you, girl.” You needed this, the time and space to be silly, to have difficult yet important conversations, to both think and not think. Alexis has always been that really great space for you, Mariah for even longer, but given your last interactions with her, you realize she’s not exactly the best candidate at the moment. 

And as if reading your mind, she asks, “how’s ole girl doing?”

Ole girl aka Mariah.

The relationship between Mariah and Alexis……well, there is none. Put simply, they hate each other. More hate on Alexis' part, Mariah has just always kinda ignored Alexis and her role in your life, which is significantly easier considering Alexis is always on the move. The reason for the dislike and incompatibility between the two of them will always be a mystery.

“It’s just something about that girl.”

That’s what she would always say, and it once reached the point where you and Alexis stopped speaking for a couple of weeks, because you were a lot of things, loyal at the top of that list.

Outside of the whole situation with Joe….you still don’t know what exactly happened there.

Nonetheless, it just became agreed upon that talking with one woman about the other would be kept to a minimum, preferably none.

You know Alexis is just trying to be nice by asking. She doesn’t really care. 

“I don’t know,” you answer, honestly. “She’s been….I think she’s just going through something.”

She rolls her eyes, clearly unsurprised. “I’m sure she is.” 

You sigh. “Alexis.”

“I know you don’t like it when I talk about her cause that’s your other ‘best friend,’ but I’m telling you, Y/N, that girl is not your friend. She’s jealous of you. She been jealous of you,” she blurts out, as if keeping it in any longer would be painful. “But, imma be quiet.”

And she does which you’re grateful for, even if her words are, for the first time, starting to trigger some unfamiliar thoughts. Alexis, Kai, your own experiences. You’ve always leaned on the side of where there’s smoke, there’s fire, and Mariah’s forest is ablaze.

You just have to figure out how to approach all of this.

Among the other 50 fucking things you have to figure out.

_______

You can’t remember the last time you propped up your phone to call Joe for any reason other than Callie wanting to see or speak to him. 

And yet, here you are, in your bathroom, preparing for your nightly routine, doing just that. 

He answers on the third ring, eyes lighting up with surprise when he sees it’s you and not Callie. “Hey.”

“Hi.” Your tone is much too cheery for your taste, so you attempt to roll it back. “Is, uhh, is this a bad time?”

“Never a bad time for you,” he replies, smoothly. Looking into the screen, you realize he’s sitting up in bed, one arm behind his head. “What’s up? I thought you were having a girls night with Alexis.”

“We were. Well, we did, but she’s white girl wasted, passed out in my bed right now,” you answer, peeking through your ajar bathroom door to make sure she didn’t wander off somewhere. She was always that mobile drunk friend who had to be carefully monitored or else she’d end up on a local new station. “You talk to Callie?”

He nods as you grab your face wash and dispense some into your hand to lather. “Yeah, earlier. She seems to be having a good time with your mom.”

“She usually does, cause like you, my mom never tells her no.” You’ve always allowed that space for your mom to have her own relationship with Callie, one that you have no interference with. Similar to how it was for you with your grandma. But now with Joe being in the picture too, you foresee having to be that parent that actually tells their kid no.

Cause Lord knows Joe ain’t shaping up to be the one. 

“She doesn’t do anything for us to have to tell her no.”

You pause in the midst of scrubbing your face. “God, I can’t wait for you to finally experience one of her tantrums. Next time you come, I’m gonna keep her up so you can see how she gets when she’s tired.” Joe has been blessed to really only experience happy Callie, even, unfortunately, sad Callie, but he’s yet to see your little girl when she’s angry.

“Don't do that to her.” He immediately grows defensive, and you giggle. “She’s a good kid.”

“She is,” you agree, rinsing your face and adding, “but all kids have moments, Joe. I would know, I work with them.”

“Well, you—”

“He don’t wanna be saved, don’t save him!”

You’re in the midst of drying your face when Alexis’s drunk, random ass comes stumbling by the door. “Alexis, what the hell are you doing up?”

Your words clearly trigger something with her wasted ass, cause in a matter of seconds, she’s crying. “My name is Alexis, but I’m not from Texas,” she begins to cry profusely at the word ‘Texas’, and it takes everything in you not to fall out laughing. You haven’t seen her this wasted since your junior year of college.

Hand on her back moving in circles, you soothe, “it’s okay, sweetie. You’re way better than her anyway.”

“Are you sure?” She asks, all soft and innocent, the complete opposite of the porn star she’s crying over not being. 

“Of course.” You place your arms around her and mouth to Joe you’ll be right back. “Now, let's get you back to bed.”

“Are we gonna fuck?”

“No, Lex, you’re gonna sleep, and I’m going to finish talking to Joe.”

“Oh.” Her disappointment is hilarious as she yells out, much louder than necessary. “Bye, Joe!”

“Girl, you are gonna get me evicted,” you scold with a small laugh, guiding her into your bed and under the blankets. “Now, you sleep this off, and I’ll roast you in the morning over your antics. Deal?”

Alexis is so drunk, she couldn’t consent to breathing right now, but she does manage to give you a crooked thumbs up. “Deal.”

Stepping back into the bathroom, you give Joe a look and shake your head as he asks, “Damn. How much did ya’ll drink?”

“You mean how much did she drink?” You correct him. He knows good and well that’s not your thing. Never was. You didn’t need alcohol to have a good time. You could shake your ass on any table just fine, good and sober. “A lot. I just had two glasses of wine.” Suddenly remember something, you start speaking again, eager for his perspective on an idea that crossed your mind the other day. 

“I think we should—”

“Go out with me.” 

You both speak at the same time, but his statement obviously gives you pause. You stare at him, momentarily confused and ask, “what?”

He repeats himself, just as confident the first time around. “Go on a date with me.”

For a second, you think he’s joking, think he’s playing with you for some reason, but one look at his expression, and you know he’s being for real. You’re not sure how to respond, asking again, “like an actual date? A real date?”

“No, like a fake date.” He rolls his eyes, and you resist flipping him off. “Yes, an actual date.” 

Still confused, you ask in a quieter voice, “why?”

His answer is surprisingly simple and unsurprisingly genuine. “Because I’ve never actually taken you out, and I want to. You deserve that much.”

This has been such a wild ass day. Hell, ever since Joe reentered your life, things have been wild. For the majority, if not entirety, of your relationship, you spent most of your time with this man holed up in your apartment and hotel rooms. Now he’s asking to take you out on a proper date. 

What a 180.

It’s like he can see the wheels turning in your head and reassures, still with all the boldness. “We can take this as slow as you want, but you should know I’m heading in one direction and one direction only.”

Fuck. There’s nothing unclear about that, but it’s not surprising. He’s made it clear what he wants from you. He’s just waiting on you to tell him what you want from him. 

After a few minutes of silence, you ask, "just a date?"

“Just a date,” he agrees. You should know him well enough though to know that’s not it. Sure enough, he smugly adds, “but if you end up riding my dick, then that’s just fate, baby.”

And there it goes, that charisma and charm that always kept you coming back for more.

Your smile is hard to conceal, so you settle for biting your lip, looking away. This man has no filter sometimes…not that you’re complaining. At all.

Feeling bold, probably from the wine traveling through your system, you play into his teasing. “Maybe I just want some dick.” 

“That’s fine too.” He shrugs. “You know all you gotta do is ask, and I’ll get you right. Every single time.” A beat. “How you think Callie got here?”

That’s the thing….he’s not wrong, not wrong at all. You can’t think of a single sexual encounter with this man that didn’t either bring tears to your eyes from how good he was eating you up or had you walking with an almost limp the next day from how good he beat your shit up. Often both.

It’s always a good time with the head of the table.

Finally, you settle on an answer that feels most appropriate. “I’ll only agree if you agree to behave.”

He looks confused. Understandable. “What does it mean to behave?”

Crossing your arms over your chest, you answer confidently, “it means keeping your hands and body parts to yourself.”

If you agree to this, it has to be well regulated and feelings or hormones can’t get in the way of things. If you and Joe are to progress into something more, you have to take it slow, even if just for Callie. 

At least, that’s the hope. 

Nodding, he asks, mischief in his light eyes. “What if you’re the one who can’t behave?”

You snort, using the oil to grease your scalp. “Unlikely.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“We’ll see about that.” He has that look in his eyes, the same look that almost always ended up with you bent over whatever the most sturdy object in the room was. It’s a dangerous expression. 

And you suddenly find your thighs clenching together. 

Not a good sign. 

“Well,” you clear your throat, leaning over the counter, praying his perceptive ass didn’t notice that. “As much as I would love to continue to chat with you, I have to call our daughter and talk to her before she goes to bed.” It’s not an entire lie; you do need to call her. Just not at this moment. He doesn't need to know that though. 

“You’re flustered, aren’t you?” 

This man….

Two can play that game. 

Pushing your arms together to press your breast together, you’re pleased seeing his gaze darken. “Does it look like I’m flustered, baby?” His jaw clenching is all the satisfaction you need. Mission accomplished. “Goodnight, Joe.” 

Refusing to give him a chance to come back with something, you end the call, only realizing what just happened once you’re left alone with your thoughts.

You’re going out on a date with Joe.

What the fuck?

[toomiieimagiines]

AHHHH HIIII i have a req >< its an akito shinonome xFem!reader so the're both at weekend garage yknow doing their own thing and akito is talking to some npc guy an then the guy asks if the reader is his gf and akito being the lovesick loser he is/j says yeah then he says "yeah ik what you see in her shes fine" then akito is like like that one shocked face emoji (i cant find it lmao) have a nice dayyy !!

𖦹 hii! it’s been so long since i’ve uploaded, happy new year! i could sit here and tell a whole sob story about why i didn’t upload, but i’ll save it! thank you all for the support!it really means a lot, and makes me feel appreciated!^_^

♪ kind of ooc, VERY poorly written this is a draft all the way from summer, i just wanted you guys to have something. they hate each other for some reason idk why but it felt fitting… i make akito have a sweet insert a lot so i guess thought i’d make her feisty

“They’re mine, yeah?”

Akito Shinonome is a total jerk! He’s sending you mixed signals, and it’s driving you nuts!

You can only stand so many chirped out “Don’t worry ‘bout it, babe!”s before you start to get the wrong idea. I mean, who does this guy think he is, talking to you like that? He’s your friend - at least you think he is - so the fact he’s treating you like some pretty thing is getting on your nerves.

Little did you know, HE’S feeling the same way.

I mean seriously, are you blind? He’s genuinely curious. He wants to strangle you every time you tilt your head like a stupid dog, and go ‘huh?’! You have to be dumb, right? That, or you’re not interested in him. But, if the latter is the case, you need to grow a pair and tell him, so he can throw himself into practice for a couple of days and probably also get into a fight with Toya over something that wasn’t even that important- God, he’s rambling. He never rambles. You make him act all weird, he hates it. You suck.

You two have been keeping up the whole ‘I wanna kick your teeth in, and then make out’ thing for a while, without either of you knowing. It would be funny if it wasn’t so Goddamn infuriating. Endless rehearsals of Akito having his ‘man-period’ (as An has so affectionately dubbed it) have gotten old for everyone. How many times can he make everyone run through “Echo” before the novelty is taken out of the song?

At any rate, this can’t last forever. Something’s gotta give eventually.

And it did.

It did when Akito was (basically) tied down and (basically) forced to stare at you while you (..actually) talked to Kohane. It wasn’t his fault, okay? The sun was hitting your face just right, and you kept doing this endearing thing with your hair when it got in your face- it was like you taped his eyes open! Maybe if you’d stop being so charming while doing absolutely nothing, he wouldn’t have to look like a creep! It didn’t go unnoticed by you either.

Akito kept staring at you, and it kept throwing you off balance. You didn’t know why, only having asked Kohane a small number of a billion times. ‘Kohane, am I talking too loud?’ before quitting and just letting him look. You must’ve done something to piss him off, what a jerk! You’re so sick of him being so immature! He should just man up and tell you when he’s pissed, not give you a dirty look- well, the more you look at it, it isn’t all that dirty. Why is he making that weird lopsided face? It looks dumb. You decide to stare at him back.

Akito jumps, quickly shifting his eyes away from you. How embarrassing! God, he must look like such a loser. He tries to act casual as you turn your head back Kohane, finally letting out a breath when you bring your attention back.

He has never been more thankful for anything in his life. Truly. He was feeling blessed until he felt a nudge on his shoulder.

Now, he wasn’t excited to mess someone up in front of you, but he wasn’t about to look like some pussy either. Thankfully, there was no need, the sleaze seems chill, but damn, this guy sure looks like a toolbag.

“‘Sup, man?” He says, and Akito winces. This guy's voice is like nails on a chalkboard. Does he think he has swagger? How dare this guy interrupt his borderline creepy stalker time? He puts on an annoyed smile, deciding he has to be a little polite.

“‘Sup? Need somethin’?” God, he hopes not. He’s no good at directions, and he’s worse at being polite to bastards with ugly haircuts.

“Ah, was just wondering, that one yours?” The guy gestures to you two, nudging him again. Are you fucking kidding me right now? For his sake, Akito assumes this guy is talking about Kohane - which he still wasn’t enthusiastic about throwing to him - and shrugs. He felt a little dirty telling the name of his friend to this slimeball, but if it gets him off your back he’ll have to live with it. And he can just beat the daylights out of him if he tries anything funny anyway.

“The blonde girl with pigtails? Her name is Kohane, and no, I’m not with her, but she doesn’t-“ He’s quickly interrupted.

“No, no, the other one. Y’know the hot one talkin’ to her?”

Akito’s eye twitches. How dare this guy talk about you like that. His blood boils over, and he quickly grows defensive. Yes, you know what, you are his, and he’s not about to let this slimeball think any different. He can’t believe that anyone would dare think of you like that. “The hot one”? Ha, don’t make him laugh. You are hot, sure, but you’re also a total brat. Does that weirdo know your favorite drink from this café? For fucks sake, he didn’t even know your name. You’re not a thing, but you ARE his. He pushes the man - yes, man, he’s sure this guy is grown - away, masking himself in half-playfulness.

“Yeah, back off dude. They’re mine, yeah?” He’s loud - louder than he’d like - when he scolds him. He obviously comes off as hostile because everybody (including you. confused and probably disgusted you.) turned to look at him. Ugh, how embarrassing!

You and Kohane exchange confused glances, making him fall further into the pit of guilt. Maybe he went a little far, I mean you aren’t his, so maybe you’d be interested in him- Nah, he acts like a slimeball, and looks like one, despite all Akitos flaws, he’s miles better than this freak, but he probably embarrassed you. The guy backs away in defense, holding his hands up.

“Hey, hey, don’t worry, was just wonderin’ I know what you see in them.” The guy pulls back, obviously not about to take whatever shit Akito was so willing to put on him. Smart move, because his nice streak was running out. The guy scampers away, muttering out his apologies. Oh great, now he really looks like a psycho. He’s gonna have to change his name and switch schools-

He sees you turn to him and laugh, God, he’s so fucked.

Now you, mildly amused, somewhat heartbroken, and really pissed off you, had seen this little outburst, and the “they’re mine”, and immediately assumed he was talking about Kohane. Obviously. You two aren’t together, you thought you’d at least remember that.

Your first train of thought as his self-proclaimed ‘semi-best-friend’, was how dare he not tell you about this?! And how dare he just lead you on like that when he had a girlfriend? What a jerk! You didn’t even have feelings for him anyway. You’re better than that! You exhale, trying to calm your heart. It’s not the time for this. It’s ‘semi-best-friend-who-hates-him’ time, so you prance over to him with a shit-eating grin.

“Damn, someone’s protective of their girlfriend! I’m heartbroken that you didn’t tell me, y’know. I thought we were besties!” You knock into his shoulder, giving a convincing eyebrow wiggle.

What the fuck? No, like, seriously what the fuck? Akitos mind jumps around in his skull, not finding a single thing to say. Do you think- Really? Him and Kohane? He lets out a laugh, rubbing his eyes in exasperation. You’re so dumb sometimes, really dumb. Cute though. Smart too. Pretty, funny, dense-

“Nah, no I’m- I’m not with her.” His voice finally comes out, and you’re hit with a wave of confusion. Not with her? If that’s the case, what was his outburst even about?

“Then why the crash out, huh? Do you like her?” You tease, stretching out the ‘like’. Your hands go back to his shoulders, jumping up and down. If you were to be honest with yourself, you’d find that you’re guiltily happy at the fact they’re not dating. You’d never admit that though. Not to this punk.

His breath gets caught in his throat, his pulse quickening at the closeness. You’re such a dunce, are you blind? Do you not know how he feels? As said, he hasn’t really been subtle about it.

“I- uh-” He looks to the side, struggling to find anything to say. Whatever happened to stone-cold Akito? Is he just going to sit there foolishly? He's embarrassed, to say the least. How is he even supposed to rectify this? Hey, I’m totally into you, sorry for embarrassing you in front of our friend?! “I’m-”

“You do like her!” You screech, still shaking him up. You don't feel great about it, sure, but it's still fun to tease him. He's still your best friend, so-

“No, stupid I- God, that’s not it! You're so dumb, I was talking about you-“

You freeze, and so does he. Maybe that was the wrong thing to say. He decides it was.

“What?!” You sputter, stepping back. Did you hear him correctly? There's no way… right? You know that he had been flirty, sure, but this? A real confession? It seems completely out of character for the rough-and-tough boy, and it really did come from nowhere. Unfortunately, your confusion only serves to piss him off. Where do you get the nerve to act shocked?

“Whatdya mean ‘what?’?!” He crosses his arms, obviously growing irritated by your ignorance. He stares down at you, wiping his palms on his pants in suspense. “Do you not get it?-”

“I just thought you were…” you trail off, fidgeting with your hemline, “so you're not with Kohane?” Your voice is reluctant as you ask, wanting to confirm it; confirm he likes you.

“No, I’m not with Kohane!-“ He defends, running a hand through his hair.

“And… you like me?” You point to yourself.

“Yes, that's what I said-”

“Oh.”

“”Oh?!” What is “oh?!”?” His voice comes out embarrassingly high-pitched, and it furthers the awkward moment.

“Oh. It’s just… oh.”

You both look the other way, trying your best to peek at each other's faces while remaining indiscreet. He wasn’t about to look at you while you embarrassed him. You’re so annoying.

Silence is something you two don't do very well when you're together, but it develops… in time.

You break it, you always were charitable.

“I kinda like you too y’know,” you confess, “even if you're kind’ve a jackass and you have bad hair.”

“I- okay.” He doesn’t dare to look at you, much to your annoyance.

“”Okay”? You got mad at me for an “Oh” but you give me an “okay”?!”

“Whatever, weirdo.”

“You suck, Shinonome.”

Kohane sees you guys holding hands when you three walk home that night… but she decides to keep her mouth shut.

[clinticalthinkr]

Spoilers for Mouthwashing

There’s a lot of convo about Jimmy, Curly, and Anya (and for good reason), but I haven’t seen as much about the dynamic between Swansea and Daisuke. The game does make Swansea look like a saint compared to Jimmy and Curly, but let’s be real. He kind of sucks.

I’ve known people like Swansea. I’ve worked with them. They’re miserable and the best thing they can do is make sure other people aren’t miserable by trying to get them not to make the same choices they did. And those choices are, sometimes, working at a shitty job. Which we all have to do sometimes! The problem with the Swanseas of the world is that they think they know you, and they think they know what’s best for you. But we don’t know Daisuke’s situation. Maybe doing maintenance is the best he can accomplish, or maybe he just needs the money for now and would have moved on to something else. But Swansea keeps berating and pushing him down in the hopes that he won’t go through the same crap he did. And it weighs down on Daisuke.

Thankfully, I wasn’t as young or impressionable as Daisuke. I didn’t feel the need to drink to try to connect with my superior. I didn’t feel the need to climb in an extremely dangerous ventilation shaft to show my superior that I was capable, nor did I have a Jimmy in my life playing on my insecurities. Thank fuck. Nobody needs a Jimmy. But I have worked jobs where I was insecure and I made bad choices to try to do better or even just get a “good job” from my senior workers.

Back in 2018, I worked as a postal carrier for three months, though I was still in my evaluation period when I left. Being evaluated for months suuuucks. You know what sucks even more? Having no support among your peers. I only heard one positive remark about my performance from one of my co-workers during “Amazon Sunday” which is as dystopian as it sounds. When I pointed it out, he acted like his tongue betrayed him. The thing is, I craved that little bit of positivity so much, I started doing things like not putting my seatbelt on or locking the packages up in the back of the vehicle when I went in to an apartment. All in the name of efficiency. If I could just drive a little bit faster, someone will accept me. If I work a little less safely, I can get some kind of approval. I realized pretty quickly what the job was doing to me and I quit on after having a little bit of a mental breakdown.

Daisuke, though. He needs a mentor. And it sucks that Swansea couldn’t be that for him. It sucks even more that Jimmy saw that insecurity and took advantage of it. Anyway, that’s my rant. Swansea isn’t based. He is, in fact, cringe. At least he accepts how much he sucks. It’s a start. But what good does that do Daisuke? He needed someone to at least pretend to be a mentor. He needed someone to take responsibility.

[little-miss-dilf-lover]

Tangerine eating the reader out.

that’s it that’s the whole thing.

im gonna give you a few (many) thots, instead if that's okay, just as I have lots of these on my page and there are only so many ways to write about it😭😭😭

filth under cut, 605 // mdni

so first things first...

he's a giver!! huge giver. sure he likes to receive, but nowhere near as much as he loves to give

he's such a MUNCH and loves nothing more than to be between your thighs. could spend an hour or two with his face trapped between your legs, just sucking and licking. he absofuckinglutely loves your taste and cannot get enough

sometimes if you're doing a mundane activity or just doing something around the house, he asks if he can eat you out. like he needs it to keep him going. so for that reason, he's eaten you out in almost every spot in the house!! .. dining table, sofa, kitchen counter, his office, stairs, by the front door, car (ik its not inside the house, just go with it) 

he'd drop to his knees in an instant if you said yes. kinda imagine him like a dog on a lead for his girl. he's completely whipped for her (or at least I like to think) he'd probs kiss you for saying yes then kneel (omg)🫡

though it would depend on the mood of it- if it was more lovely dovey, he'd work you up for a bit- kissing your thighs, teasing you, maybe a bit of worshipping before tongue to pussy contact. but if you were in the kitchen he'd kneel down. dragging down your bottoms and just go straight in. he's adaptable afterall ;)

if he had a bad day, he's eating you out. if he's bored, he's eating you out. BUT, if YOU had a bad day- best believe he's eating you out. if you get home stressed and frustrated, he's got you on the sofa within seconds, legs spread with his face between. he makes you talk about your day while he’s lapping you up. you have to tell him what's bothering you - (he LOVES when you stutter and struggle to think of the words <3) it makes him feel like he's helping you forget (but dw, he'd still listen to you properly after!!)

he knows where the clit is, I mean look at him. he knows how to get you off. he can make you squirt (if you wanted to)

tan + tongue finger combo = a really fucking good time

also also!! he wants you to sit on his face, plain and simple. he doesn't care how heavy you are- just wants your pussy on his face anyway he can get it

i gotta stop omg, but a few more!! forgive me!!

he's not afraid to get messy

gets REAL into it, squeezes your thighs, hips, waist, tummy, tits (he reaches up to grab them😖)

he loves when you get sensitive and clamp your thighs, it squishes his head and he loves it!!! he def tries to rip your thighs back open, holding them and hooking his arms under

he spits your slick back on you and laps it up again <3 

he gets so HARD eating you out. maybe he came a couple times... UNTOUCHED !! (omg) 🫠

he loves when you cum on his tongue 

if his tongues inside, the tip of his nose is pressed against your clit

he's down for period oral if you are. will help clean you beforehand and then just flick at your clit with his tongue, maybe fingers hooked inside, pumping you. he’s covered in blood a lot of the time so he has no problem if you don’t

okay that's enough bc I will never stop if I carry on. mrs red is visiting, if you hadn't noticed by my brainrot and inability to stop 😔

[jiraisupportgroup]

♡ Tips To Make Washing Dishes Suck Less ♡ 

Sorry if this is hyper-specific, it’s totally not inspired by my kitchen counter which is covered with dirty dishes I'm pretty sure every dish I own right now is dirty T-T

♡ Dirty dishes are a positive thing! They mean you have food! You're eating! Maybe you even cooked something! That's awesome, hell yes.

♡ You don't have to do it all at once. If you only clean two mugs or if you only manage to get the food off of some of the dishes but not actually wash them, that is totally fine.

♡ Take as many breaks as you need. There is no rule that says you have to wash all your dishes at one time. (Although, I understand this may not be possible for everyone - I live by myself so I am the ruler of my own dishes & I know not everyone is in that situation).

♡ Sit down while you do the dishes. Who says you can't sit down to wash dishes? I do it all the time! I have a kitchen stool I use to sit while I cook or clean. (Don’t sit while working with the stove or oven though - if you’re working with hot things like that you need to be able to easily move to get out of the way if anything happens or you could get hurt)

♡ Dirty dishes are allowed to touch the counter. If you are struggling because there are too many dishes actually in the sink - put them on the counter. Clear up some space so you can focus on small batches one at a time. Give yourself space to breathe.

♡ Use gloves. One of the reasons I despise doing the dishes is because I hate having my hands wet for a long period of time. I also hate the feeling of my hands sweating in the gloves so I use a little baby powder to keep them from getting sticky or wet.

♡ Use a soap you like the scent of. If you like the scent of the soap you’re using, you’ll dislike doing the dishes a little less. There’s also a million scents to choose from from lemon to lavender to watermelon. I’ve seen passion fruit scented dish soap? The opportunities are truly endless.

♡ Use cute sponges! This sounds so dumb but genuinely I bought some fruit-shaped sponges and it makes doing the dishes so much more bearable for me. It feels a little bit less like a chore when you enjoy the aesthetics of it.

♡ Quit scrubbing! Dried-up food stuck to the dish? Don't waste energy scrubbing it, soak it in hot water with some soap and come back to it later.

♡ Listen to music or a podcast. Not only does it help keep you entertained while you're doing the dishes so it feels less draining, but if you're like me your sink is LOUD and I HATE that so I put in my earbuds so the noise of the sink doesn't bother me as much.

♡ Don't worry about the rest of the kitchen. Just. wash. the. dishes. I have a bad habit of being like "I need to clean my entire apartment" which would take a lot of energy and take forever so then I'm like “well I just won't do that it's too hard” - but if I decide “I'm just going to wash the dishes" that seems much more doable & the chances of me actually doing it go way up.

[isaacarellanesismyhusband]

i’m always trying, but it’s never enough

pair: Draco Malfoy x reader requested by @idkchosseyou

can you make academic achiever reader with Draco Malfoy inspired by the song this is me trying by Taylor swift and ilovee your writing

masterlist | navigation

❀✿❀✿❀✿❀✿❀✿❀✿❀✿❀✿❀✿❀✿❀✿❀✿

Draco Malfoy had never seen anyone study as hard as you did. Every day, you were in the library, nose buried in your books, determined to stay at the top of your class. He’d catch glimpses of you, furrowed brow and focused eyes, and part of him admired it. The other part? Annoyed. How could anyone enjoy studying that much?

One rainy afternoon, he found himself wandering into the library, bored out of his mind. He spotted you in your usual corner, surrounded by stacks of books. For some reason, he felt drawn to you, even though he didn’t have the slightest idea what to say.

“Still studying?” he asked, sliding into the chair across from you.

You looked up, slightly startled, before giving him a polite smile. “Yeah, finals are coming up. Gotta stay on top of everything.”

He nodded, though he really didn’t relate. Sure, he wasn’t a bad student, but you were in a league of your own. He was about to make a sarcastic remark when you closed your book and sighed.

“Actually… it’s exhausting,” you admitted. “Sometimes I feel like I’m always trying, but it’s never enough. Everyone expects me to be perfect, and I don’t know if I can keep up.”

Draco blinked, surprised by your honesty. “You’re the top student,” he pointed out. “You’re doing fine.”

You gave a half-smile, but it didn’t reach your eyes. “Yeah, but it doesn’t feel like it. I keep thinking I’ll mess up, and then everyone will see I’m not as perfect as they think.”

Draco leaned back, running a hand through his hair. “You think people don’t feel the same about me?” he asked, smirking a little. “Malfoy, heir to a powerful family, always expected to be the best at everything. It’s not exactly a walk in the park.”

You raised an eyebrow. “You’re not serious.”

He shrugged. “Look, I get it. Trying to live up to everyone’s expectations sucks. But… you’re doing great. I see how hard you work. Honestly, it’s kind of impressive.”

That made you smile, a real one this time. “Thanks, Malfoy. That actually means a lot.”

He grinned, leaning forward a bit. “You know, maybe you should take a break. You’re working too hard. Ever thought about, I don’t know, going outside? Having fun?”

You laughed. “Fun? What’s that?”

He stood up, grabbing his bag. “Come on, I’ll show you. I’ve got a free period. Let’s take a walk. You can’t be cooped up in here all day.”

You hesitated for a second, then closed your book. “Fine. But if I fall behind, I’m blaming you.”

Draco smirked. “Deal.”

As you walked out of the library together, the tension lifted. You realized that maybe, just maybe, you didn’t always have to be perfect. Sometimes, trying was enough.

And with Draco by your side, you felt a little less alone in that.

[officialleehadan]

Writing Pregnancy

Hello darlings. I've been thinking about writing this for a while, and it seems useful to a lot of people who are planning to Baby or who have characters who are planning to, or currently are, Babying.

It's not exactly a story, but y'all seem to like these essays from time to time, so I hope this one is interesting too.

So here it is. A guide to being pregnant as written by someone who has recently done it, for writers who have not or will not do it themselves.

This post will be broken down by weeks, because that’s how medical people do it, and also because some of this stuff really doesn’t happen by month.

DISCLAIMER: Every pregnancy is different. Your mileage may differ, maybe a lot. This is based on my pregnancy and is written as a handy reference for people who haven't done this themselves.

An important note, doctors count pregnancy as having begun AT THE DATE OF THE FIRST DAY OF YOUR LAST PERIOD unless there are extenuating circumstances such as an extremely unreliable, or nonexistent period. If this is the case, they will judge it based on your first ultrasound (8 weeks or so) or by when morning sickness kicks in (6-10 weeks) depending on the tech level your character is facing.

Be aware, this guide will be fairly explicit and will talk about the squishy bits, since they’re pretty involved in this whole business. If you keep reading and discover the horrible truth, that pregnancy is profoundly icky in many ways, I warned you.

Anyway, on to the fun part!

FAQ:

I am in my early-mid 30s (early when newly pregnant, older now obviously) when I was pregnant. I am in sound, but not neurotypical, mental health, and good physical health. I do not have major allergies or food issues other than caffeine which I am allergic to. (This is also relevant. More on this later.) I have some notable back problems which will be noted here because they’re relevant too. This pregnancy was planned and I have a wonderful and extremely supportive spouse (husband) who is the baby’s biological father. I also work a lot, but from home, which very much altered my experience

Week One: FIRST TRIMESTER

Technically speaking, right now, you’re probably menstruating and not actually pregnant at all. This will feel like a normal period, because that’s what it is. You’re not pregnant yet. Business as usual. If you were planning to get pregnant, you’re already on prenatal vitamins.

Week Two:

Congrats! You got laid! You still feel normal because implantation hasn’t happened yet. You’re still not technically pregnant. Just horny. Get it while it’s hot. If this pregnancy was an accident, or you’re trying to get pregnant, you’re not eagerly awaiting the point where you can test to know for sure.

Week Three:

Okay this is where you might see your first symptoms if your cycle is very regular, like mine is, and you’re watching your body closely for “that’s new” stuff. In my case, my boobs started swelling like they do when I’m on my period, except I was two weeks out from my period. Cue “huh, I might be pregnant” montage.

Week Four:

If you can test and you’re using the good home tests, or you’re in a hospital, this is probably when you test positive for pregnancy. Congrats!

Cue the “oh crap I’m pregnant??” Montage. (Yes this will happen even if you wanted it, planned it, and were actively trying to get pregnant. There will be some panic. You very likely will consider getting an abortion even if you’re eager and wanting the pregnancy. Don’t beat yourself up. This is normal.)

Week Five:

If your cycle is reasonably regular, this is when you’re gonna miss your first missed period. If you knew you’re pregnant, this is cool! Menstruation sucks. Not having your period for nine months is one of the best parts of pregnancy. If you didn’t know you’re pregnant, you’re probably panicking about now and buying a home test.

The ClearBlue digital ones are good and they’re in most pharmacies. Get those ones. Buy your prenatals at the same time. If you don’t want them, you don’t want them, but if you do want them, making a second trip is annoying. Also consider taking D3, calcium, fiber gummies, and fish oil. They all support you and baby health and keep the pregnancy from taking more of the nutrients form your body than you can spare.

Week Six:

You feel like you should feel different and don’t, and it’s weird. For those with a longer, or irregular cycle, this might be where you hit the stuff from Week Five. If you’re having the boob inflation like I did, that’s still happening. Buckle up. It’s not gonna stop. Otherwise, you feel weirdly normal. For a character who doesn’t have access to good sex education, they may not even know they’re pregnant yet.

Week Seven:

Basically the same as Week Six. You feel like you should feel different, and don’t. It’s uncommon, but you might start feeling morning sickness around this point. It’ll start as vague nausea and food aversions. This will get worse.

Week Eight:

Your first ultrasound! Congrats! It looks like a gummy bear that twitches! If you have twins, it may or may not be detectable at this point. You can’t tell the sex yet. It’s a gummy bear. If you don’t get an ultrasound for reasons of fictional story, you still might not know you’re pregnant. If you’re going to get an abortion, this is the last chance in many places.

Week Nine:

So It Begins. The morning sickness. You have food poisoning all the time. You feel profoundly like hell and may be prone to puking, and still being hungry, so you go back and keep eating, because you need the calories. This is also when you start getting thirsty all the time. This is because you gain more than half again your blood volume while pregnant. You need that hydration to make blood and amniotic fluid for your baby.

I found ice cream bars with nuts to be very good for dealing with morning sickness, and ginger did absolutely nothing at all. I basically lived on tea for a while there.

Week Ten:

Congrats. You feel like crap basically all the time. My morning sickness was pretty mild and I was puking almost every day. More if I hit a trigger food, which for me was anything that tasted or smelled ‘green’ (zucchini especially but cucumber and most leafy greens too) ‘water smell’ (showering, rain, humidity in general) and the usual ick smells (the trash).

You’re also tired all the time. Naps R Us. If you get flat and comfortable, you’re gonna fall asleep. If you’re flat and uncomfortable you might fall asleep. If you’re reasonably supported and upright you might fall asleep. Just assume you’re gonna be sleeping a lot.

If you’re writing a character with morning sickness, they’re likely to be very cuddly, but also very reluctant to go more than a very quick jog to the toilet.

The good news is that this is also when the major risk of miscarriage is over, and is frequently when people tell their families they’re expecting. Cue lots of celebrations!

Week Eleven:

“What the crap did I get myself into?”

Week Twelve:

“When is this crap gonna go away?”

Your baby is moving now, but you can’t feel it at all. You’ll see it in the ultrasounds however, which is neat.

Week Thirteen: SECOND TRIMESTER

“I have been eating soup and applesauce for FOUR WEEKS and I want Mexican but refried beans went Badly.”

it’s not uncommon to get a UTI at this point because you’re peeing a lot and it’s tough to stay clean because water smell makes you puke. Your doctors will take this uncomfortably seriously. You will get The Good Antibiotics, not the piddly crap they usually give out.

You will also now have very strong opinions about what sucks to puke up, as dictated by your nose, which has opinions about everything. You will have safe foods. Unfortunately for you, you’re just about past needing them.

Week Fourteen:

“I want a sandwich with deli meat, and a whole plate of sushi, and I can’t have either of them. This sucks.”

If you gave up caffeine, this is where that will really get hard. If you were already caffeine free, like I was, you’ll be jonsing for stuff you’re not allowed to have, like raw fish and deli meat. Be strong, but if you waver, it probably isn’t the end of the world. 

I’m told this is where cravings kick in, but I didn’t get anything notable, so I don’t know.

Week Fifteen:

This is about the time you kind of start feeling better. They say morning sickness starts improving around Week Thirteen, but for me it was longer. The napping is still a thing, so just be okay with that. This also when I started to show. That really depends on body type. I went into pregnancy carrying a little extra weight because I knew I would lose some during morning sickness (I lost nine pounds and mine wasn’t that bad. Be aware.) so it took a little longer for me to show.

More interestingly, you can actually feel your uterus now. It’s kind of like a grapefruit below your belly button. It will grow. You will be very curious about it the whole time

Week Sixteen

“Hey, I kind of feel better now!”

You have energy again. It’s novel. You can do chores and drive, and generally be a person. It shouldn’t be as exciting as it is, but here we are. Time to decorate the nursery if you have one, and to put together a whole bunch of stuff. It’s also a good time to clean up the ‘first trimester disaster’ that is your comfy spot and the mounds of crap around it.

Week Seventeen:

Still napping a lot, but almost feel human. Watch out for the Icks (your pregnancy sensitivities, like ‘green’ for me, which didn’t go away for my whole pregnancy) but you can actually take a shower without puking in the shower now! Scented products may or may not bother you later, but you’ll want them after you give birth. I threw away my shower gel after it made me sick and I regret it now.

Week Eighteen:

“Wow, I have a Baby Bump!” Cue walking around with your hand in your belly so everyone knows you’re pregnant OR wearing your biggest baggiest clothing to hide it and still feeling like it’s super obvious.

Week Nineteen:

There’s a fair chance you felt your baby move at this point, but unfortunately you’re also farting enough to fill the Hindenburg and this early any kicks feel like gas. Stay away from open flames and you’ll be okay.

Week 20: HALFWAY DONE!

Anatomy scan! This is your second ultrasound and the one where you might find out the sex of your baby. This is also where they’ll look for birth defects and genetic conditions. You may also do a blood test here which can also screen for genetic issues, and problems such as RH incompatibility, which is totally treatable with modern science but could kill a baby in a more medieval story.

Note: you may not find out the gender at this or any point until birth. My little girl got her nickname of Wiggles because she was doing cartwheels and the tech couldn’t get a good look between her legs. We didn’t find out her gender until she was born.

If you do find out, and this is crucial, DO NOT tell anyone but your partner what the sex is, or what names you’re considering. Everyone has opinions and all of them suck. Lie through your teeth about not knowing, or just tell them you want it to be a surprise. Do anything but tell them what they want to know. You will regret it if you do

Week Twenty-One:

“Holy crap that was intense. Definitely a kick!”

This is called the ‘quickening’ and for a fantasy character, will be one of the big ‘you’re really pregnant’ signs, because miscarriage is common. At twenty weeks, that risk is much less, which is a huge relief. Plus, now you’re getting kicks, which are all kinds of fun. It’s your first chance to really interact with the person you’re building inside you!

Week Twenty-Two:

“I need to clean the whole house right now everything is dirty I might rearrange the living room.

Welcome to nesting. It doesn’t go away. Use it to your advantage and clean whatever needs cleaning. Don’t judge yourself for starting and not finishing a project. You’re burning everything you have. Shame isn’t welcome here.

A fantasy character may start cleaning if they’re poor, or making baby clothing.

Week Twenty-Three:

Okay here’s where I started having problems. I have hypermobile ribs and mild scoliosis in my lower spine, these together mean a lot of back pain over the years, which I am very familiar with and which is annoying at best and debilitating at worst.

The issue? Pregnancy comes with a huge dose of the natural chemical relaxin. As the name implies, this softens up your tendons, among other things. If you have hypermobility already, get ready for a whole range of fun new ways to pop your bones out of place.

The worse issue? During pregnancy, you’re not allowed any painkiller but Tylenol. If you’re like me and hyper resistant to most pain meds, you might as well be popping tiktacs for all the good Tylenol will do for you.

Buy a heat pad (NOT A BLANKET, you cannot overheat right now) it will help.

If you tell your medical professionals about this back pain, they will freak out and want to get your kidneys tested, because asymptomatic UTIs can turn into kidney infections very quickly during pregnancy and can get very serious very quickly. If you are familiar with your particular brand of back pain, have the “Chronic Pain and You” conversation with your doctor early. The earlier the better. They still won’t give you anything better than Tylenol, but they probably won’t try to test your kidneys unless you pop a fever

Week Twenty-Four:

Kicking! Those are real kicks! Holy crap! Kicking!

This is so much fun, but it's also pretty unreliable. Baby will kick when it pleases them, not when you want to show someone else, and it'll be sporadic, even until the very end.

You may be getting Braxton hicks contractions. They don’t hurt, but they make your belly tense up, which is amusing. Also, when you orgasm, your uterus will get all hard. It does this normally, you just can’t usually feel it. It might freak you out a little. Coincidentally you will be horny enough to hop aboard just about anything that holds still long enough. Get a willing partner and/or a very fine collection of sex toys and be prepared to spend a lot of time taking yourself in hand.

Week Twenty-Five:

Your Dr appointments now happen every two weeks unless they’re worried about something. Also, buy a really comfortable pair of slip on shoes. Your time of being able to reach your feet is coming to an end and you’re gonna want them. Pro: maternity clothing is super soft and comfy and you’re gonna be delighted to wear it. It does tend to come in an unfortunate variety of ‘little house on the preggo’ floral patterns with demure necklines, but there’s some good stuff out there

Week Twenty-Six:

The Eater Beast Appears. You’re hungry all the time. No really. All the time. Constantly. Nuts are good for a snack. I ate a lot of peanut butter and apples. You may be having cravings. If so, lean into them. Have fun with it. This is the good part of your pregnancy.

Plus side, EVERYTHING tastes good!

Week Twenty-Seven

You REALLY look pregnant now. People will start asking when you’re due and giving you bad advice. Don’t murder them. You can probably get away with it, but cleaning up all that blood is hard when you can’t actually get off the ground without help anymore.

Week Twenty-Eight: THIRD TRIMESTER

Final ultrasound and gestational diabetes testing. The ultrasound is fun because Baby looks like a baby now! Holy crap! There’s a whole person inside you! You contain twice the usual number of bones! If you’re having a boy, you have in fact grown a pair.

My baby had a tiny little heart defect, so we talked to a specialist at this point. Try not to freak out if this happens. Defects like that are very easy to fix, and often go away on their own as my girl’s did.

The diabetes testing is different for everyone. They’ll have you drink a glycerin drink (get the orange flavored one. It’s reasonably inoffensive and you have to chug the stuff) and will test your blood to see how you react to the sugars. Don’t freak out if it’s positive. Most of the time gestational diabetes goes away after birth. If you’re borderline, they’ll test you again but for three hours rather than one.

The glycerin drink made me really sick and I refused to do the three hour testing. They will get very grumpy if you do this, however, you can buy a diabetic testing kit and track your blood sugars four times a day for a week instead, and they’ll accept that too. (Don’t get the one they prescribe. The Contour Next is cheap, reliable, easy to use, and doesn’t cost $200)

They might want you to change your diet and exercise. You will want to murder them for this. Don’t do it. Go for the damn walks and eat less carbs. It will kind of suck, but it’s for your baby, and it isn’t permanent.

Week Twenty-Nine

Return of the Nap Demon. You will sleep SO MUCH. Let it happen. Your body is working hard to build another person. Have mercy on yourself. Eat. Be okay with the weight gain. A lot of it is the baby inside you and your placenta, and the fluid you need to support them both. You need the calories.

Also, LACTATION! This is when two more of your orifices, which previously did not leak, start to leak. This too, will get worse. You can save the colostrum for your baby though, which can be helpful.

Week Thirty:

The Final Countdown. You’re ten weeks off your due date and if you haven’t already, you need to figure out how and where you want to give birth. Talk with your midwives and doctors. If you’re high risk, they won’t want you to give birth outside a hospital. This will feel crappy, but is honestly the safest choice provided you’re willing to tell doctors to piss off when needed. Start figuring out your birth plan. Talk to other expecting parents.

Week Thirty-One:

“Ugh, I’m huge.”

At this point, your character absolutely is not getting on a horse without a lot of help, and cannot ride for long regardless without serious discomfort or even pain. A fall could mean losing the baby, or a serious injury, and the undercarriage is not gonna handle having that much weight on it for long without protestations.

Week Thirty-Two

“Why am I crying? I’m not actually upset about anything and yet, I am hysterical.”

Warn your partner about this phase beforehand. They won’t believe how bad it’s gonna get, but the warning is still nice to have. Remind them that you warned them between bites of your favorite ice cream.

Week Thirty-Three:

Everyone you know who has baby stuff will try to give it to you. Be prepared to refuse whatever you don’t want. Be merciless or you will be flooded with broken baby crap you don’t want until you find some other poor soul to pawn it off on.

Week Thirty-Four:

You’ve been talking names, but now it’s time to decide for real. Try to follow this guide with your baby name options. Your kid will thank you for it.

1. Easy to say (no weird pronunciations)

2. Easy to spell (you are permitted ONE silent letter and no more)

3. Does not require explanation (Cultural names of a culture you’re not part of, especially)

4. Sounds good with middle and last name

5. Initials don’t spell something weird or stupid (Dora Indigo Kennedy sounds great, but the initials spell DIK)

6. Has agreeable nicknames (Elizabeth > Lizzy)

7. Isn’t a gimme for bullies to make fun of (Pubert)

8. Isn’t in the top 10 most popular names within the last five years. (Don’t want five of them in the same class)

9. Is not the name of someone you hate, even if it’s also the name of a family member. (obviously)

Follow these, and you will have a happy child who does not resent you for naming them something weird and messed up that no one can ever say or spell correctly, and which they have to explain every time they introduce themselves

Week Thirty-Five

You’re huge. You’ve just about reached maximum size and if your baby comes early at this point, they’ll probably be fine. This is immensely reassuring, because you have spent the last several months panicking about what if the baby comes early. Nightly baths are amazing. Also, your hair and nails will grow super fast right now, so be ready for that.

Week Thirty-Six:

Mobility is a serious issue. Stairs are hard. So are curbs. Getting into and out of a car is a Process and getting up off the couch or out of bed takes a While unless you have help. Your balance is screwed and you waddle now. You’re a real fall risk and that does change how you interact with the world.

You also probably can’t unload the laundry if it’s a top-loader, and you might not be able to do the dish washer either. Bonus! Less chores

Week Thirty-Seven:

Remember the Nap Demons? They’re back and they brought a friend. Heartburn Hell. It’s been bad for a while but it’s worse now. Skip the tums and go for something stronger.

Week Thirty-Eight:

Your craps are gone. Baby is due in fourteen days and you have given up on your good habits. You’re probably still walking, but only because Baby has their head lodged against your cervix and is trying to burrow out. People call this lightning crotch for a reason because it really feels like you have a taser lodged up there that gives you a shock now and then

On the plus side, baby kicks like crazy now and that’s both awesome and kind of uncomfortable. You can play with their feet and poke them, and they’ll probably have a favorite place to hang out in your belly. Pro tip, if baby just will not settle, get a hot pack and put it against the side where they hang out. They’ll curl up and go to sleep on it. Just make sure you don’t overheat.

If you think anyone this pregnant is doing much of anything except growl about how heavy they feel and eat, you’re wrong. Nobody is leading armies to war like this. Anyone trying to fight because their life is immediately in danger will probably lose because they are large, heavy, clumsy, and their center of gravity is toast.

Week Thirty-Nine:

The last rush of Nesting and it’ll be a bad one. You’re gonna try to do all kinds of stupid crap, like scrubbing the floors (you get stuck) climbing up ladders (you are a fall risk, get down) trying to drive places (you get dizzy, you should not be driving at this point) and trying to lift heavy stuff (absolutely not). You might try to paint your nursery or hang curtains. I tried to plant my whole garden. Don’t be me

Week Forty:

The Due Date Has Come. You’re now on baby-watch. You’re probably having a ton of Braxton Hicks, but the big difference between them and the real deal is pain. Braxton Hicks don’t hurt and real ones kind of feel like period cramps. How uncomfortable contractions are at first will really depend on how you handle pain.

Week Forty-One:

“What the hell do you mean I haven’t gone into labor yet?? Get this child out of me!”

Week Forty-Two:

“Crap. I’m just gonna be pregnant forever, huh? …oh crap. I think my water just broke.”

The usual questions:

Morning sickness:

So, morning sickness isn’t puking all the time. In fact if you’re puking more than once a day it’s a serious medical condition called hyperemesis gravidarum and sometimes requires medication

More commonly it’s a general sense of not feeling well, followed by brief but dramatic puking. Honestly, the closest analogy is really bad food poisoning when you can feel the puke coming, but it hasn’t come yet

During the morning sickness phase, you HAVE to eat. Not eating makes it so much worse, so it helps if you set a strict schedule of eating a snack or a small meal every two hours you’re awake, and as soon as you wake and right before bed. Apple sauce good. Doesn’t suck coming back up. Same with most soups. Avoid spicy, acids, and crunchy stuff. They’re all miserable coming back. Drink a LOT of water.

Scents will be a problem. Your sense of smell goes haywire and cranks up to 11. I’m practically noseblind and I could smell the apples in my kitchen from across the house. Normally this would be fun. During morning sickness, it means fun new ways to puke in exciting places. The smell difference between being inside and going outside is sometimes enough, and any of your trigger scents or flavors will get you reliably. Scented products are a hard no. Pack them away for now. You’ll want them later.

The hard part is that doing anything strenuous, like hanging out with friends or going to the grocery store, will make it worse for the days following. The exhaustion compounds. You absolutely can’t borrow from tomorrow’s spoons and trying to push yourself will just lead to being even worse off the next day. You HAVE to rest. It’s not optional and your body will enforce it on you.

It does help to get an essential oil you like and wear it in a diffuser. I used lavender, but any smell you like and which doesn’t smell like death to you will work. Make sure it isn’t touching skin. A lot of oils are caustic, and some are toxic.

Other than that, just try to ride it out. It doesn’t last.

Body changes:

It starts out slow and then lingers. You’ll feel like you should be showing way before you are, but once you hit your second trimester, it’s very obvious you’re pregnant, and one you hit the third trimester they can probably see you from space. You waddle. Your coordination goes down the tubes, you’re hot all the time, thirsty and hungry all the time, and exhausted a lot of the time.

You will also stink. Your BO will spike with your hormones and unfortunately, you will absolutely not want to bathe until the third trimester, when you want to be in the water all the time.

Your hair will, however, be awesome. Preggo hair is a thing. So is post-partum shedding, so be ready to shed more than three long-hair cats. It’s a thing. Unfortunately this does include your body hair, which will grow fast and thick. If it bothers you, you’re gonna be shaving a lot.

Here’s where it gets TMI, but if you’re writing a pregnant character or you’re pregnant/want to get pregnant yourself, you gotta know. There will be itching. You will not be able to shave your undercarriage at all after a certain point, so if it matters that much, you’ll need help. Your cooch will also smell different. Weird, but there it is.

Being in water helps immensely I spent a lot of my pregnancy in the bath and I strongly credit that for helping to support my back and ribs, which were not thrilled about the temporary tenant. It also helps with the ‘ugh I’m heavy’ complaint. Spend as much time in the water as you can, but remember not to let it get more than 100 degrees, or you can put Baby and yourself at risk. You have a lot more blood in your body right now. That makes for certain issues, such as fainting.

You will feel heavy. This is most notable during the third trimester, but when it becomes a problem, it really becomes a problem.

This is a problem because the only pain killer you’re allowed is Tylenol, and not much of that. If you’re in screaming pain, you can go totally hospital but they probably won’t give you anything for it. There’s a serious risk to your baby; and while they won’t prioritize the baby over you, you’re the one who is driving the bus, so they’re gonna make you obey the metaphorical traffic laws.

Labor:

Game day. You’ve been waiting for this for nine months and thank anything holy it’s finally here.

It starts as little flutters that kind of feel like gas, and you’ll probably be farting a fair bit anyway because you have a baby squishing your organs in every direction. After a while, it’ll start to feel more like cramping, and that’s when you know it’s game day. You start timing them at that point, and here’s where Hollywood starts messing up.

Labor is slow.

I was contracting for about ten hours before my water broke. If you’re pregnant, buy the adult diapers. Just do it. Put them on as soon as you realize you’re in labor. What comes out of you when your water breaks is foul. It’s not water. It’s slime, and it’s stinky. Sometimes it’s brown. It’s never something you want on anything you’re planning to keep. The diaper will contain it and you will be GLAD.

So ten hours in, my water broke. This is the sign that it’s not false labor. You’re ready to rock and roll.

This is also where my story differs from most.

Generally, when your water breaks, you’re about ten hours from pushing. Those ten hours will suck, but the nurses are mostly really nice and you can kick the mean ones out without repercussion. If you don’t vibe with one, switch tjem out. You don’t have to keep a nurse you don’t like.

The contractions will get stronger and they will get more painful. The nurses will call them “intense”. That’s bullcrap. It hurts. If you want medication, you have options. Ask for them freely and without shame.

Pushing is kind of a blur. You’ll be on so many endorphins and probably an epidural, that you’ll be in a haze. You push with the contractions for best effect. You’re gonna poop. This is good. Means you’re pushing right. You absolutely will not care in the moment.

It will feel like it’s not progressing at all, but your support people are gonna be on the ball and they’ll give you updates. If you have an epidural, it helps. If not, breathe through it and ride the endorphins. The worst part is when the head isn’t entirely through the cervix and everything is stretching a whole lot. Once the head is in the channel and you’re making progress, it gets easier.

It still hurts a whole lot, even with the meds, but you honestly won’t care because your whole body is designed to do this thing, and it’s GONNA do it at this point, whether you want to or not.

As soon as the head is out, the rest of the baby follows, and it sort of feels like you’ve been gutted. Things because you pretty much have. Birthing the placenta is entirely secondary to your tiny new baby and getting sewn up if you tear is uncomfortable, but after everything else, pretty negligible. Also, new baby!

Afterwards:

So, postpartum recovery sucks. All those endorphins are gone, you’re no longer on pain meds, and you just squeezed a baby through your cooch. You probably have stitches, and everything hurts. Walking is hard and without help, it’s also dangerous. You’re a fall risk. Do not try to hold your baby and walk at the same time unless you absolutely must. That’s what your birth support person is for. If you don’t have one, they’ll provide one.

Peeing hurts. Pooping is worse. You will be passing blood clots and your underwear (remember, get the adult diapers. They’re way better) will look like that scene from The Shining with the blood tsunami. This is all normal but it’s pretty horrifying.

They will give you various products to help with recovery. Some work better than others. Use all of them. The compound effects help.

It will be about three weeks before you feel like you can pee without it hurting. It’ll be closer to six before you can poop without worrying. Either way, there will be some major changes to your squishy parts.

Me specifically:

Remember how I mentioned my story was different? Yeah. So I was in labor for 62 hours, and pushed for five of those before my daughter was born.

For most of it, it was just waiting for my body to get into gear, and then when I wasn’t progressing, for the pitocin to kick in. I didn’t want to be on pitocin, but I wasn’t going to risk my baby, and labor that long comes with some real risks to mother and baby.

I did have both fentanyl (which for reasons of my messed up biology doesn’t affect me at all) and an epidural, which did help, but was hindered by my scoliosis. (Having a curve in your spine makes it hard to put the needle in the right place).

I could have had a c section, but I was very against it and since we were doing okay, despite it taking a long time, they let me have a vaginal birth.

This is not normal and is a product of my messed up biology. Your experience may differ.

Breastfeeding:

Okay babies do not come out of the uterus knowing how to do this. They’re really bad at latching at first and it will take a few tries to get them to latch. Even then, if they have a high palate or a tongue tie, they may struggle to latch.

Even so, breastfeeding really is an incredible feeling of knowing nature built you so right that you can keep your whole baby alive with just what your body makes for them.

This can make breastfeeding hard, and even if they have a good latch, it kind of sucks for a while as your nipples get used to nursing and your milk comes in. You’ll produce colostrum for the first few days, and that will slowly turn to milk over a week or so.

Baby will need to eat basically every hour for the first few weeks, then every two hours, but in greater amounts. As they get better at feeding, it gets easier, but there’s no shame in using formula as a support for your milk. The goal is to keep the baby alive.

Once you’re both used to it, you can even nap pretty well while you feed, especially once you’re in bed. Just make sure there’s absolutely no risk of dropping or rolling on top of the baby.

Your Baby:

Here’s the good part. Babies are awesome! They’re cute, they’re fun, and they’re deeply entertaining to mess with. Make sure you have a basket of toys for your baby, and let the good times roll, even when things are hard. They’ll only be this small once, The tiny baby clothes feel too small until you put them on. I’m keeping all of mine. I don’t know what I’ll use them for, but they’re too cute to get rid of.