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sunnysviolin · 4 years

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tw // self harm

do u think sunny became a cutter after mari's death, perhaps as a grounding technique? trying to stay away from the dream world?

First of all thank you for the trigger warning for this I appreciate that! TW extends to the entire answer, but I will be putting it under a read more because let’s do our best for our friends who are doing their best each day!

Secondly....I wrote out a huge thing for this and it all got deleted....Let’s see if this also gets deleted....also I forgot a lot of what I wrote

I think it was incredibly deliberate that Omocat never actually blatantly stated that Basil or Sunny self-harmed. If they wanted us to know for sure, they would have included some way to find out that Sunny self harmed I’m sure, and I think that it’s important that Basil and Sunny are never shown to physically hurt themselves. I think that Sunny fully committed to emotional self harm, and that was what was most significant. I think that rather than harming his physical self the White and Black spaces were his emotional self harming techniques. The dream world was his self harming tool. Let me explain a bit more

I really subscribe to Jungian dream theory which I’ve mentioned before, but I’ll mention it again very basically here- You are every single person in your dreams. Dreams are the subconcious trying to understand the things that you have gone through in your life. White Space for Sunny is how he isolates- a punishment he thinks he deserves for taking Mari away form their friends.

Notice how Sunny doesn’t live in the Neighbor room where all his friends are with color and games. He gives himself a laptop that only has a journal and a game where he can pretend to die, tissues to cry with, a sketchbook full of self harming images of the Black Space, and Mewo. Sunny doesn’t even live in the fun world where Mari and Basil get to live. He lives in White Space, and he gets transported back into his self made prison any time he deviates from the norm or interacts with his intense guilt and trauma (When he sees the picture of the violin, when he talks to Basil in the barn, the library, etc.) Then he has to stab himself to wake up. It’s not physical, but it is Sunny harming himself.

Then a part of the Black Space Basil/Strangers is Sunny lashing out in his anger at Basil (hence why everyone but Omori in the Black Space takes the form of Basil), but those Strangers are also Sunny interacting with himself in his mind. Sunny is lashing out at himself, using the form of Basil, and hurting himself in every way he can think because he hates himself for what happened to Mari. He kills Basil, but he’s killing himself. He hurts Basil, but he’s hurting himself. He’s using basil as a proxy because in his mind Basil is the only other person who deserves that pain because they were both involved in what happened to Mari.

It’s only when Sunny answers Kel’s call that he sees that with his emotional self harm and his dissociation, he also hurt all of his friends. His isolation lead to a further splitting of them all along with Mari’s death. He knows he can no longer use the White Space as a coping mechanism because it isn’t helping, and he is reaching a point where he wants to forgive himself and stop hurting himself with the Black Space. That’s why Mari is constantly telling him to forgive himself, and the Something is teaching him positive coping mechanisms like calming down and focusing)

I think that the Black Space is concentrated inside of the lightbulb in the White Space in Sunny’s psyche. The choice to make the lightbulb black felt deliberate to me. It’s always near him, and he can never escape it, but when he destroyed the Black Space lightbulb, he also destroyed the White Space. In that he overcame his negative coping mechanisms and his self harming techniques and was able to understand the truth.

I also think that when we saw Sunny finding out the truth in the game that was Sunny also finding out the truth for the first time. I think that Sunny fully repressed what happened to Mari- that he genuinely did not remember how she died. I say that as someone who has experienced major trauma and I have severe memory loss of that time. I know it happened, I don’t remember it happening. So then Sunny has 1) conquered his need to harm himself and Basil in the Black Space 2) Overcome his need to dissociate and hide himself away in dream worlds and the White Space and 3) Fully accepted the truth of what happened to Mari.

All three of these things have never happened in the previous four years, which is why Sunny is able to confront the side of him that is Omori (aka the part that hates himself) and can defeat that with music, loving his sister, and acknowledging that what happened was an accident and a mistake. He loved Mari and he wants to be able to forgive himself and save Basil.

I personally really really care that Sunny and Basil never cut themselves or did anything deliberately physically self harming, because I think it’s an important message about the existence of emotional self harm. Emotional self harm happens in patterns (Sunny’s self isolation and his constant repeating of the same journey to find Basil that inevitably always fails) and overcoming emotional self harm is ridiculously hard. The parts of us that hurt ourselves internally are just as important as the parts that hurt ourselves externally. I have my own struggles with self harm, but it’s almost 100% emotional internal self harm, and that isn’t as recognized or talked about in society. For Sunny to only hurt himself in his dreams and in setting himself up for isolation and failure in the real world shows that he is hurting himself, even if he never took a knife to his skin.

This got lonnnnnng but I hope I answered you well! Also a minor PSA to everyone because I am really passionate about this I won’t write anything with Sunny self harming (I’m potentially open to writing about other characters slef harming, but I won’t for Sunny 1000%_

#meta #long answer #omori #omori meta #omori sunny #Why I think Sunny isn't physically self harming #I know this got really long #but it all has a reason #white space #black space #redrosecarnage #omori headcanon #tw self harm

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cybernaght · 3 years

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Guardian rewatch: Episode 9

This episode starts with Zhao Yunlan being a bloody good boss. I’ll talk about how the opinions of others must have affected this man’s perception of himself a little later on, but in this scene it is important to note that Zhao Yunlan is supportive, caring and loyal. Wang Zheng comes to him in tears, asking for permission to leave and see the home she had just remembered, and he not only supports her verbally, but drags his entire team on the trip with her the very next day. Sure, he has are ulterior motives, as he strongly suspects one of the Hallows must be around the same area, but I maintain that Zhao Yunlan would have insisted on going with Wang Zheng regardless.

There are complications to this trip; namely, Wang Zheng is a ghost energy being and can neither be in sunlight, nor leave the SID really. Thus, the plan to take her on the trip includes buying a doll. The implication is that Wang Zheng can be somehow placed inside it, and thus be able to move, but the details of how this is done are actually curiously hazy. I’m not sure if censorship is the reason for muddled writing, but there really is very little explanation for the ghost in a doll situation.

Guo Changcheng is tasked with securing a makeshift body for Wang Zheng, and the boy, eager to act fast, and without much to work with in terms of instructions, ends up buying this.

We can only thank the Universe for the role of Wang Zheng not being played by a blow-up doll for three episodes straight.

Zhao Yunlan instantly realises that being places inside this thing might be a little bit upsetting for his subordinate, and lashes out at Guo Changcheng with an excellent “Is the thing above your neck a urinal?” This snaps Zhu Hong out of her mirth, too; she rushes to her friend’s side to offer emotional support, and will remain there for the entire episode.

I love this blocking, in which Zhu Hong is the only one who feels comfortable approaching Wang Zheng in a situation where she is seemingly being mocked by her male colleagues, as Zhao Yunlan and Guo Changcheng look on, unable to offer a meaningful apology.

The evening prior to this Shen Wei is musing over ancient map of the region. His costume is arranged deliberately so you can see the Pendant of Pining hanging around his neck.

I am really wondering when this was shot, because it looks very out of place. The costume differs from Shen Wei’s usual attire, including chinos and an uncharacteristically ill fitting shirt. His hair looks so wrong I am wondering if this is styling, or a different haircut entirely. And, since we’re on this train of thought, his eye colour is so off I genuinely spent quite a bit of time examining the shots in order to figure out whether he’s wearing contacts. I don’t think he is, by the way, but the colour grading makes his warm syrupy-brown irises look almost olive green.

During the scene it is revealed Shen Wei’s only worry in regards to leaving the city and rushing into what could be trouble is a possibility of Zhao Yunlan encountering danger in his absence. It is easy to see that Shen Wei here firmly associates his own worth with his work as Hei Pao Shi, and his own needs with Yunlan being safe and sound. You could trace this thought process back to the mountainside conversation ten thousand years ago, and to years of loneliness and isolation that followed. While, frankly, equating self-worth with comfort of other it’s not necessarily so unusual, and neither is equating it with one’s work, Shen Wei’s disregard for his own life is still horribly upsetting.

The morning after, Zhao Yunlan with his team and Shen Wei with his students move out of Dragon City. Destination - North-west. I have to ask though, why is Shen Wei taking his students with him? I get that it’s a cover but also: he can totally just teleport where he needs to and do his stuff as Envoy, can he not? It’s fast, efficient, and can all be done during the night without arousing any suspicious.

As it happens, Shen Wei goes by car, which breaks, and causes him to instantly cross paths with Zhao Yunlan. What I like about this meeting is that we see it from an outsider perspective, as we drive into the scene with Lin Jing, Chu Shuzhi and Guo Changcheng.

“Is that Professor Shen? This must be their destiny. They keep meeting each other wherever they go.”

Zhao Yunlan confesses that he feels like Shen Wei bugged him and pops up everywhere he goes; Shen Wei counters by saying that in this case Zhao Yunlan who followed him. Zhao Yunlan can just laugh awkwardly. It’s kind of adorable how the two men just basically admit that they’re stalking each other, and are both kind of okay with that. Shen Wei then introduces the other man to his students as his good friend.

Zhao Yunlan, having already figured out that he is not likely to get any answers from Shem Wei, goes on a charm offensive with his students. I think this is the first time Shen Wei sees Zhao Yunlan using his jovial manipulation on others, and he is not particularly happy about what he is witnessing. Below are the series of facial expressions he wears every time it happens throughout the episode.

The way I read it, this could equally be jealousy, or the daunting - and incorrect - realisation that Zhao Yunlan is being like this with everything that moves. He could be even beating himself up for falling for this man’s charm now that he sees that Zhao Yunlan using the same wide smile as a tool to placate, gain trust and access information. In his mind, this is a further confirmation that he is not in any way special in Zhao Yunlan’s eyes. Again, Shen Wei’s supposition cannot be further from the truth. But you could imagine how he may have come to make to this conclusion.

In this particular case, Zhao Yunlan uses his charm to get some information out of Jiajia, and ends up hearing the direction of their expedition.

Shen Wei nervously adjusts glasses in the shot which is not even his close-up. It’s lovely, seeing how good of an actor Zhu Yilong is. Good actors don’t need to be directed to to most of the little things their characters would do, and don’t have to be told what their character quirks are.

Shen Wei very politely shuts Jiajia up when she starts talking about the earthquake, asking her to get out of the sun, despite this not being a hot day.

“Chief Zhao, you are really good at making people talk.”

As he is making this observation, he is offering Zhao Yunlan his water, because the man mentioned that he may be thirsty, and hydration is important. Should I once again be obsessing over how their fingers are touching here? Perhaps not. I am, once more, doing it anyway.

During the conversation that ensues here, Shen Wei reminds Zhao Yunlan that he was asked not to leave the city, and makes one more attempt at forcing them to part ways after the car fixing is done. Chief Zhao is having none of it. He reminds Shen Wei that no promises were given, and suggests they work together and protect each other instead. It’s interesting how their end goal is similar: they want to keep each other out of harm’s way. But for Zhao Yunlan, who works with a team, this implies sticking together. For Shen Wei, who has been alone for what could have been centuries (we are never given a timeline for when his magical coma ended), this implies being as far away from each other as possible. Many things about their relationship will change - but this one will never do.

Zhao Yunlan proceeds to charm his way into driving Shen Wei’s car. He is after all very good with people, and he’s not afraid to use this skill to keep himself near the Professor.

Next, we have intercut scenes depicting conversations in two separate cars.

Lin Jing is driving Zhu Hong, Guo Changcheng and Wang Zheng in the jeep. There, Guo Changcheng tries his darnedest to offer exceedingly moody Wang Zheng apologies and consolation, but his weak attempts to very little to lighten the young woman’s dark disposition. In the meanwhile, Zhu Hong is seething with resentment and jealousy. She notes discontentedly that Zhao Yunlan once again chose to go and spend time with Shen Wei, hypothesises on why Shen Wei is unmarried, and then goes into a long-winded rant about Zhao Yunlan being an uncaring person. Lin Jing reluctantly participates in this conversation, but he does not look very much like he cares for it.

I have mentioned in my previous recap that those around Zhao Yunlan comment on his crassness, and now I am wondering how much this creates a vicious circle for the man in question. He may have heard - from his father, from his previous romantic partners, from his colleagues - that he is a failure, a boorish, unloving and superficial man who only does things to chase clout and carnal pleasures. It is difficult to not internalise that, and Zhao Yunlan may have just grown to see this as an unshakeable truth about himself.

As for Zhu Hong’s part in this, it is easy to call someone not responding to your advances an uncaring jerk. It does not, however, necessarily make them one.

Curiously enough, the only person speaking up in defence of Zhao Yunlan here is Guo Changcheng. He notes that he considers Chief Zhao to be a nice person; despite only being with SID for a month, he is able to see good intensions behind the bristles. No doubt, this is another case of Xiao Guo being incredibly empathic.

In the other car, Zhao Yunlan is driving Shen Wei and his students. Here, we see the chief continue to crack jokes and use his bountiful charisma to find out more about their expedition. Presumably, this has been going for a while, and Shen Wei’s patience finally runs thin when Zhao Yunlan states that their research must be very important. “Thank you for the compliment”, states Shen Wei flatly, according to subtitles.

According to my dictionary however, what he actually says is, roughly, “Chef Zhao overpraised [us]” (“赵处长过奖了”), which even with my very basic comprehension of Mandarin, I can see as overly formal and clearly dismissive.

Zhao Yunlan seems to be taken aback, and a few seconds pass before he composes his features into one of the chuckles he uses as a mask: it is loud and wide, but does not quite reach his eyes, sliding off his face almost instantly. In the passenger seat, Shen Wei is slowly and deliberately readjusting his own mask.

We cut to Zhu Jiu trying to secure assistance of a whole bunch of Youchu he drags out of the cave. It goes even worse than his other plans do, with the beasts grumbling and effectively refusing to do any work whatsoever.

Zhu Jiu’s ineffectiveness is actually pretty sweet on rewatch, and I am starting to kind of appreciate Wan Naichao in this role. It’s not that I find his performance particularly good, but between the costume, the wig and the script, he does not have an awful lot to work with, and he nonetheless appears to have so much fun hamming it up to his heart’s content. He is not intimidating by any stretch of imagination, but he is surprisingly, albeit ironically, watchable. And, honestly, I would rather watch an actor being hammy and enjoying it than visibly longing for death on set.

After passing a checkpoint through a combination of Zhao Yunlan’s connections and ever-present charm, the now joint SID/DCU expedition shuffles around in cars once again. Despite their destination being allegedly twenty kilometres (or about 12.5 miles) out of town, it takes them a whole day to reach it. Who knows, maybe the Seastar’s measuring units are different.

This time, it is Lin Jing driving, with Shen Wei and Zhao Yunlan having relocated to the back. We see that Zhao Yunlan has got a cold again - which could theoretically be from being so close to the hallows. He sneezes, and Shen Wei microexpressively overreacts.

Then, Zhao Yunlan unceremoniously arranges a pillow on Shen Wei’s shoulder and settles in for a nap. Does he remember napping on Shen Wei’s shoulder a few nights prior to that? Because he might do, considering how comfortable he feels with this casual close contact.

After a momentary panic, and a comment about flu meds, Shen Wei not only lets Zhao Yunlan do it, but also rearranges his pillow several times to make it more comfortable for the other man. I have no hot takes on this apart from just... those two. I love those two. How are they so adorable.

The car enters CGI fog, and promptly get stuck. To make matters worse, Lin Jing says he does not have a phone signal and asks Shen Wei to check his phone. “He does not have a mobile phone”, deadpans Zhao Yunlan before Shen Wei even opens his mouth.

Finally, Zhao Yunlan’s head vacates Shen Wei’s shoulder, and the professor leaves the car to scout the area. Jiajia tries to follow, but Zhao Yunlan dissuades her and goes after Shen Wei himself, catching up just as the other man is starting to scry the surroundings with his powers.

Zhao Yunlan enters the scene quoting poetry to highlight the beauty of their current location.

Shen Wei instantly tries to send him back: partly to continue using his dark energy, and partly, perhaps, out of genuine worry. In response Zhao Yunlan notes that Shen Wei is the only one who can order him around. This is not all done in cheek: it’s actually kind of true. Even before finding out that Shen Wei is powerful and ancient, and imposing, Zhao Yunlan is readily listening to him, and following his lead.

As a precursor to returning to the car, Zhao Yunlan takes his jacket off and drapes it over Shen Wei’s shoulders, despite the other man’s loud protestations. Again, Yunlan has got a cold, and he is visibly filling the chill air later in the scene. He has no way of knowing that this jacket will become a catalyst for his suspicions about Shen Wei’s alter ego, so there can’t be any other reason for him forcing his jacket onto the other man apart from a desire to make sure he is warm and comfortable.

Shen Wei stares at Zhao Yunlan in absolute wonder.

It is easy to believe that the idea of someone wanting to look after him is foreign no Shen Wei: we know from the text of the show that before Kunlun no one has shown him any consideration, and seeing Shen Wei now, it is not difficult to imagine, heartbreaking as it is, that no one has done it since.

Jiajia’s scream cuts through the air, interrupting the scene. As the two men take off in the direction of the sound, Shen Wei grabs Zhao Yunlan by the elbow as they run out of the shot.

When they rejoin Jiajia and Lin Jing, she girl stammers a few words about ghostly presence that she witnessed, and Lin Jing confirms her words, sharing his knowledge about ghosts seen in this area. Zhao Yunlan reprimands him for speeding feudalistic and superstitious concepts. Just remember that their HR manager literally is a semi-corporeal dead woman. This line is such a blatant and somewhat tongue-in-cheek appeasal of the censorship, that it sounds delightfully silly.

The group finally reach the remote village they were heading to. As everyone files out of the cars, they notice a strange looking crow nearby - clearly Ya Qing is checking in on them. Lin Jing proceeds to tease Xiao Guo, saying the young man in unlucky. Chu Shuzhi is looking disapprovingly at this comment, but it’s actually Zhu Hong who shuts it down. She does use this excuse to make an impolite jab at Shen Wei, noting that the misfortunes are someone else’s fault, while looking at her romantic rival from the corner of her eye.

Shen Wei graces the screen with another one of his “why does the snake woman hate me?” faces.

It’s quite amusing that as the group starts walking towards the guesthouse, Zhao Yunlan sends his people off while he himself deliberately lingers in place, so he can walk with Shen Wei, sneaking a hand across the professor’s back.

Just as the company enters the premises of the guesthouse, they find a human skull. Of course they do. But the reason I am including this here is to point out that Shen Wei’s reaction is to cover Jiajia’s eyes. Zhu Yilong does not do it in all of the takes used in the scene, which indicates to me that this is an in the moment acting choice.

Shen Wei then leads his students away to give the SID a chance to investigate. While Lin Jing and Zhao Yunlan do just that, Wang Zheng sinks to her knees and starts praying to comfort spirits of her ancestors. Hilariously, this goes unnoticed for a while.

After completing some preliminary checks on the skull, Zhao Yunlan suggests they park the investigation for the night, citing that he does not want students and their teacher to get ill as the reason for doing so. Da Qing notes that this is more considerations than he shows his subordinates. I don’t think he means it, but it’s a lovely little jab at Zhao Yunlan’s unmistakable crush.

Inside the house, everyone settles in to hear Wang Zheng’s tale of the Hanga tribe. What follows is an massive exposition dump. She sets up as “some things she heard from rumours”, but considering how forlorn she is throughout this tale - and that she was praying earlier - it is pretty obvious that she is of the Hanga tribe herself.

Again, I love the blocking here. Zhu Hong is keeping her shoulder in front of Wang Zheng, protecting her from the strangers (and Shen Wei) that they are sharing the table with. Zhao Yunlan and Da Qing are watching from afar, and Chu Shizhu is perching above them on the stairs. The composition is easy on the eye, and implies that the SID men are ready to protect those at the table from all directions.

Soon, they are interrupted by a villager pretending to be a ghost, and a reluctant village head explains that the outsides may not be welcomed because there has been a murder here in the recent days. Zhao Yunlan and Zhu Hong leave to investigate the crime scene. As they do so, Zhao Yunlan catches the woman gazing upon him in adoration, and freezes uncomfortably, for a second before laughing it off.

He should really force himself to have an uncomfortable conversation with her, but he won’t do it until pushed.

In the meanwhile, Zhu Jiu is having more luck riling the actual ghosts up than he did with the Youchu. After some hesitation - and some baseless threats from our unfortunate villain - the Hanga tribesmen launch an attack against the guesthouse.

Just to note: their masks don’t look anything like the masks Wang Zheng drew. Considering that the guesthouse parts of the episode was likely to have been shot together, I don’t see any explanation for this as it pertains to production.

Chu Shuzhi and Xiao Guo leap into action to fight the ghosts - and the young man actually successfully fends one of them off. They are soon joined by Lin Jing, who leaves Shen Wei in charge of looking after the students and Wang Zheng inside the house. The ghost woman energy being asks to be let outside because she guesses correctly that the ghostly warriors are here for her, but Shen Wei refuses to let her go. The reason he states for denying her is that “Zhao Yunlan would never agree to it.” He knows that the other man would never put his crew in danger - and adopts the same attitude.

Shortly after, Zhu Hong and Zhao Yunlan arrive on the scene.

Here we see for the first time Zhao Yunlan’s painful flashback to his mother’s death, followed by him freezing with the gun in his hand. Zhu Hong does save the way by snatching the weapon away from him and firing it, but she also goes on full offensive afterwards, berating the man. Hers is not a kind response at all, and this type of a reaction is likely to be the reason Zhao Yunlan has not felt comfortable talking about his tragic past, perhaps even seeing it as something to be ashamed of.

After the ghosts disappear, Zhao Yunlan stays outside with his team, and uses the Dial in attempt to locate the other ancient item which he knows is somewhere close.

Shen Wei, on the other hand, tells Wang Zheng about the totem hidden in a cave, and asks her for any information on the matter.

His interrogation does not get him anywhere, but he does get suspicious enough to refrain him from drinking the drugged water she offers everyone present in the very next scene.

It is clear from this shot that after toasting with warm water, everyone goes to down their cups - apart from Wang Zheng and Shen Wei, who lock eyes over their cups for the second.

Having escaped her protectors in the night, Wang Zheng heard towards the cave in which Sang Zan’s spirit is kept, Zhu Jiu hot on her heals, and we witness the first of many flashbacks to her life and death.

Next up, Episode 10: Death By a Thousand Flashbacks.

—

Notes.

The next post here will actually be some thoughts on the Lost Tomb Reboot which I have spent this Easter Weekend binging. And if this post is more Zhu Yilong-centric than usual, this would also be why.

#guardian #zhao yunlan #shen wei #weilan #rewatch #recap #ill advised attempts at psychoanalysing the characters

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jail-crow-of-mandos · 4 years

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Is Caranthir Autistic Or Am I Just Projecting: An Autobiography

Yup, here it is. My long-promised autistic Caranthir meta. Although I’m not sure how much of a meta it can be considering Caranthir is only mentioned by name 24 times in the entire Silmarillion, outside of the name index at the end. So here’s the plan: we’re gonna go through every time he’s mentioned and see if it tells us anything about potentially being autistic.

Before we begin. here is the DSM list of requirements for being diagnosed as autistic. Considering how few times we see Caranthir doing stuff in day to day life, odds are we won’t get to the level required for full diagnosis, but it certainly can help support it as a theory.

Requirements:

Deficits in social-emotional reciprocity

Deficits in nonverbal communicative behaviors used for social interaction,

Deficits in developing, maintaining, and understanding relationships

At least two of the following: Stereotyped or repetitive motor movements, use of objects, or speech, Insistence on sameness, inflexible adherence to routines, or ritualized patterns of verbal or nonverbal behavior, Highly restricted, fixated interests that are abnormal in intensity or focus, Hyper- or hyporeactivity to sensory input or unusual interest in sensory aspects of the environment

Symptoms must be present in the early developmental period (but may not become fully manifest until social demands exceed limited capacities, or may be masked by learned strategies in later life)

Symptoms cause clinically significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of current functioning.

These disturbances are not better explained by intellectual disability or global developmental delay. Intellectual disability and autism spectrum disorder frequently co-occur; to make comorbid diagnoses of autism spectrum disorder and intellectual disability, social communication should be below that expected for general developmental level.

With that being said, let’s start at the beginning:

“The seven sons of Fëanor were Maedhros the tall; Maglor the mighty singer, whose voice was heard far over land and sea; Celegorm the fair, and Caranthir the dark; Curufin the crafty, who inherited most of his father’s skill of hand; and the youngest Amrod and Amras, who were twin brothers, alike in mood and face. In later days they were great hunters in the woods of Middle-earth; and a hunter also was Celegorm [...]”

“[Regarding the Oath] Thus spoke Maedhros and Maglor and Celegorm, Curufin and Caranthir, Amros and Amras, princes of the Noldor [...]”

Okay these two tell us absolutely nothing about Caranthir in particular, at least for this particular topic. Moving swiftly along.

“But Caranthir, who loved not the sons of Finarfin, and was the harshest of the brothers and the most quick to anger, cried aloud: ‘Yea more! Let not the sons of Finarfin run hither and thither with their tales to this dark Elf in his caves! Who made them our spokesmen to deal with him? And though they be come indeed to Beleriand, let them not so swiftly forget that their father is a lord of the Noldor, though their mother be of other kin”

Now we’re finally getting to the good part. Let’s start at the beginning. “Deficits in social-emotional reciprocity”. Yep. To put that in layman’s terms, it means to have trouble understanding how to navigate conversations in a normal way, often talking out of turn or speaking too harshly. This falls into both of those. On top of that, it also shows signs of “Deficits in developing, maintaining, and understanding relationships”. He is clearly misreading the situation and attacking Angrod for no real reason outside of being mad about everything. This is not how you speak to a stranger, especially not a diplomat.

One could even argue that it could show signs of “Insistence on sameness, inflexible adherence to routines, or ritualized patterns of verbal or nonverbal behavior”” and “Deficits in nonverbal communicative behaviors used for social interaction”. The former could be argued because one could say that he has fallen into a comfortable pattern, and the idea of changing it is deeply distressing to him, hence why he lashed out. The idea of changes happening that he didn’t directly have a say in causes him to panic and react with anger. As far as the latter one goes, given Maedhros’s initial response to Angrod as well as him trying to calm Caranthir down afterwards, one can reasonably assume that his body language was telling his brothers to stay calm and cordial. Caranthir either ignored this deliberately (which would strengthen the prior argument that he struggles maintaining and understanding relationships, given the authority Maedhros has over him) or he simply could not pick up on the nonverbal cues that Maedhros was giving.

“Now the people of Caranthir dwelt furthest east beyond the upper waters of Gelion, about Lake Helevorn under Mount Rerir and to the southward; and they climbed the heights of Ered Luin and looked eastward in wonder, for wild and wide it seemed to them were the lands of Middle-earth. And thus it was that Caranthir's people came upon the Dwarves, who after the onslaught of Morgoth and the coming of the Noldor had ceased their traffic into Beleriand. But though either people loved skill and were eager to learn, no great love was there between them; for the Dwarves were secret and quick to resentment, and Caranthir was haughty and scarce concealed his scorn for the unloveliness of the Naugrim, and his people followed their lord. Nevertheless since both peoples feared and hated Morgoth they made alliance, and had of it great profit; for the Naugrim learned many secrets of craft in those days, so that the smiths and masons of Nogrod and Belegost became renowned among their kin, and when the Dwarves began again to journey into Beleriand all the traffic of the dwarf-mines passed first through the hands of Caranthir, and thus great riches came to him.”

So this is the part that led to all of the Caranthir loving money jokes, which ultimately led to there being a Caranthir/money tag on AO3. (No, really.) That said, there’s a lot to unpack here. First of all, it’s pretty reasonable to think that Caranthir’s love for planning and economics go beyond average, so let’s assume for a moment that economics are his special interest. This would fill the third elective requirement: “Highly restricted, fixated interests that are abnormal in intensity or focus”. Or, in other words, having a special interest. But beyond that, him not even trying to hide his distaste for the Dwarves clearly shows a lack of basic diplomacy, which we’ve been over before. He has severely lacking social skills. Plus, choosing to be hostile towards a group that have the exact same interests as him proves that he struggles with change, or at the very least forming interpersonal bonds, even if he did form an alliance with them in the end (which only goes to show how strong his special interest is).

“Therefore the Noldor held strength of cavalry In the plains at that place; and the people of Caranthir fortified the mountains to the east of Maglor's Gap. There Mount Rerir, and about it many lesser heights, stood out from the main range of Ered Lindon westward; and in the angle between Rerir and Ered Lindon there was a lake, shadowed by mountains on all sides save the south. That was Lake Helevorn, deep and dark, and beside it Caranthir had his abode; but all the great land between Gelion and the mountains, and between Rerir and the River Ascar, was called by the Noldor Thargelion, which signifies the Land beyond Gelion, or Dor Caranthir, the Land of Caranthir; and it was here that the Noldor first met the Dwarves. But Thargelion was before called by the Grey-elves Talath Rhúnen, the East Vale.”

Okay this one might be a bit of a stretch, but one could argue that Caranthir choosing to live beneath the mountains and in a notably dark region could indicate a sensitivity to bright lights, which would qualify as a sensory sensitivity. Even if not, though, we already have the required two of the four electives.

“At that time [Celegorm and Curufin] were from home, riding with Caranthir east in Thargelion [...]”

And this tells us absolutely nothing.

“But seven days later, as the Orcs made their last assault and had already broken through the stockade, there came suddenly a music of trumpets, and Caranthir with his host came down from the north and drove the Orcs into the rivers.

Then Caranthir looked kindly upon Men and did Haleth great honour; and he offered her recompense for her father and brother. And seeing, over late, what valour there was in the Edain, he said to her: 'If you will remove and dwell further north, there you shall have the friendship and protection of the Eldar, and free lands of your own.'

But Haleth was proud, and unwilling to be guided or ruled, and most of the Haladin were of like mood. Therefore she thanked Caranthir, but answered: 'My mind is now set, lord, to leave the shadow of the mountains, and go west, whither others of our kin have gone.'”

One could probably argue that Haleth was Caranthir’s only friend outside of his immediate family, which certainly indicates a struggle in forming bonds. That being said, he did pretty good here. I’m proud of him :))

“Maglor joined Maedhros upon Himring; but Caranthir fled and joined the remnant of his people to the scattered folk of the hunters, Amrod and Amras, and they retreated and passed Ramdal in the south. Upon Amon Ereb they maintained a watch and some strength of war, and they had aid of the Green-elves; and the Orcs came not into Ossiriand, nor to Taur-im-Duinath and the wilds of the south.”

While this is a very interesting passage for Caranthir’s characterization, it has nothing to do with him potentially being autistic, so we can move on.

“The sons of Ulfang the Black were Ulfast, and Ulwarth, and Uldor the accursed; and they followed Caranthir and swore allegiance to him, and proved faithless”

Poor Caranthir can’t catch a break, can he? But yeah of course he chooses the people who end up being the least loyal. Certainly indicates a lack of character judgement, which falls under not understanding nonverbal communication.

“There fell Celegorm by Dior's hand, and there fell Curufin, and dark Caranthir”

RIP. But it doesn’t really tell us anything.

Obviously, we can’t know what he was like during childhood development, nor can we know what underlying conditions he may have. However, given how many alliances he fucked over or nearly fucked over with his bad social skills, it’s fair to say that his autistic traits would have clinical significance. So, in conclusion, while nothing can be said for certain, it is reasonable to think that Caranthir is autistic.

#tolkien #silmarillion #caranthir #meta #actuallyautistic

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autumnblogs · 4 years

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Day 13: Double Mobius Reacharound

https://homestuck.com/story/2073

Of all the characters in Homestuck, Sollux’s self-hatred is probably the most exaggerated, exacerbated no doubt by his role in the death of his girlfriend and his psychic brain. I like him, he’s an alright guy, and I wish I had more to say about him to be honest. I guess if there was one thing I was going to say about him, I think I said it already - Sollux serves as a mirror image of Dave, and Sollux’s decision to bow out early probably foreshadows the way that Dave will eventually decide that fighting is not for him.

More after the break.

https://homestuck.com/story/2082

How does Paradox Space know which angel to use? This is a bit of an odd moment. Maybe I’m missing the refrance, but I’ve never quite understood why Terezi reacts this way, with all of the additional periods. Sollux seems quizzical, but Terezi doesn’t react.

Also, this is the first in a serious of lines I’m going to be examining in relation to Aradia. Keep that on the back of your thinkpan.

https://homestuck.com/story/2085

Sollux and Aradia have a very sweet, tragic little relationship, and even though it doesn’t last into the longterm, I’ve always enjoyed these two together.

https://homestuck.com/story/2101

Whether retroactively, or intentionally, the sensual scantily clad fairies in Tavros’ room are a lot more noticeable on re-reads. Tavros has a pretty unassuming demeanor, and I’m not here to trash him pointlessly, but I think that Tavros has some pretty troubling patterns of behavior that can go unexamined because of the fact that he’s a victim. More on that as we go.

https://homestuck.com/story/2112

Far from a passing fancy, Tavros’ interest in animals does seem to be genuine. I wonder if he had a little farm with a bunch of these critters. We never get to see much of his other Fiduspawn if he has any.

https://homestuck.com/story/2114

Karkat and Tavros both do this, which I think is interesting because of the fact that they have opposite relationships with sleep and dreaming - Tavros spends most of his time in game asleep and dreaming of Prospit, Karkat has horrible insomnia.

https://homestuck.com/story/2122

Our very first conversation with Vriska has her tune in pretty much entirely to bully Tavros. The interesting thing is, while Vriska’s treatment of Tavros is pretty objectively bad, the way that she harasses him is actually pretty closely in line with the way that other trolls treat their friends, mutual aggression and nastiness. Vriska’s aggression isn’t addressed at someone who’s responding in kind though - Tavros is gentle where other trolls are vicious, deferential where other trolls are assertive. It’s this contrast that makes the shamefulness of Vriska’s behavior obvious to pretty much everyone but her.

https://homestuck.com/story/2123

Gamzee and Tavros are a ship tease that didn’t really end up going anywhere, but one of the things I think is interesting is the way Gamzee’s language goes from extremely lackadaisical and chill to kind of energetically violent around Tavros. Most of the time, Gamzee’s pretty laidback, but there’s a lot of language relating to murder in Gamzee’s enthusiasm here.

https://homestuck.com/story/2127

While Terezi’s Dragon doesn’t really have much of a choice in terms of its relative absence from her life, the sparse communication between the two and emotional distance is, I think, a parallel with Rose.

https://homestuck.com/story/2128

Because of the fact that we don’t get as much of a look into the Trolls’ home lives, it’s less easy to narrow down what their “finer” anxieties are, but it’s clear that they follow the same pattern of having their sleeping selves wake up as a result of internal synthesis of some kind - confronting their subconscious anxieties, and consciously accepting a part of their reality that they’ve been deliberately shutting out.

There’s probably a number of things that were instrumental to waking up for Terezi, not the least of which is accepting that Vriska is not the friend that Terezi thought she was - waking up to the fact that she was being used by an abuser in a co-dependent relationship. Coming to terms with her blindness could represent growth into a healthier sense of self, one where she finds validation internally and in healthy friend and family relationships. All that being said, her relationship with Vriska is still her most important relationship, and realizing that a problem exists is only the first step in solving it.

https://homestuck.com/story/2134

Time to stop being cagey about it, I guess. I have long viewed Aradia’s story as being one that is about surviving depression, which I say as a depression survivor. I relate heavily to the language that Homestuck uses to describe Aradia’s lack of passion and lack of enjoyment of things that she used to enjoy - especially the way that she lashes out destructively to try and alleviate her boredom and frustration.

https://homestuck.com/story/2137

On an unrelated note, Aradia has the Crosbytop. I believe I’m starting to remember how it got into her hands.

https://homestuck.com/story/2139

I’ve always thought that it’s interesting that Kanaya’s language directly mirrors Karkat’s from when he was harassing Jade, but their sentiment is almost precisely the opposite. She borrows another Karkatism almost immediately. So pretty much from the word go, we’re clued into the fact that Kanaya and Karkat have some relationship with each other that goes beyond the purely familiar, in the same way that Dave and John’s tendency to mirror each other’s language helps us to understand their friendship.

For a girl who doesn’t feel too many emotions, Aradia can be pretty sassy.

https://homestuck.com/story/2144

I have a friend who’s a bit of a Vriska kinnie (and feel like I’m pretty Vriska-esque myself), and one of the things that we both do that I’m seeing in Vriska here is fill dead air with chatter. I could be reading into it a little, but I think it should be a clue that Vriska is an intensely anxious kind of character.

https://homestuck.com/story/2145

In a parallel to Sollux’s introduction, we can’t immediately be Vriska. We couldn’t be Sollux because he was too busy stewing in his own self-criticism. There’s a push and pull going on between Vriska’s narcissism and her over-the-top self-deprecation.

https://homestuck.com/story/2150

I might be pulling this out of my ass, but I feel like there’s a case to be made for Aradia and Vriska actually being pretty strong parallels to each other - the only two trolls to get the tiger, faciliitators of destiny, devil-may-care grave-robbers. I don’t actually have a fully formed thought to really draw the two together, but I feel like there’s really something there. The way that Aradia puts Sollux to sleep here in order to ensure that the Right Disasters befall him is parallel to the way that Vriska puts people to sleep at clever points to make sure that Jack is created, and so on and so forth.

Maybe in the same way that Sollux serves as a parallel to Dave and helps us to understand what the right decision is for Dave, Aradia parallels Vriska and helps us to understand that roughly the same things are good for the two of them. Much later, (Vriska) basically chooses the same path of staying out of harm’s way and trying to enjoy the rest of her relatively eternal existence.

https://homestuck.com/story/2161

As soon as Karkat talks about Kanaya with anyone else, he further reinforces there is a friendship between the two of them.

Another quick note, as long as we’re here, I’ve kind of been putting this off, but I suppose with the one and only use of “autistic” as an insult in the comic, it’s finally time for me to bring this up:

Homestuck has a pretty problematic relationship with victims of abuse and people suffering from mental and physical disabilities. While on the one hand like, almost all of Homestuck’s main characters are disabled and abuse sufferers in some way or another, there are a lot of ways in which it’s not so charitable to them.

Some of it is stuff like this - early Homestuck uses the word retarded a lot as an insult, and has this single instance of autistic - all in all, that kind of language is problematic but in and of itself, not too egregious - Homestuck is a product of its time in that respect.

Stuff that I take issue with is more subtle - mostly stuff surrounding Jake and Tavros. I’ll have more to say on it later, but I wanted to find a good natural time to bring it up, and now seemed like a fine time.

https://homestuck.com/story/2162

Nepeta and Equius give us some information that helps grow our understanding of troll culture. We’ve already had some conversation about whose blood is better than whose from Sollux, but Equius starts to help us understand that some trolls take blood color extremely seriously.

These kids may not replicate the social anxieties of earthlings 1:1 but they still have plenty of things to be anxious about. The more I read Hiveswap the more I become convinced that most of these characters were never people we were meant to become terribly invested in - a lot of the function of the trolls, from a narrative perspective, is to give us parallels to the human main characters and insight into their lives, as well as to give us exposition on just how Sburb works exactly. And then most of them are pretty promptly killed off or put on a bus once their purpose is served (or in order to serve their purpose!)

Back to the subject of the social anxieties that the trolls have to deal with, Alternia is all about hierarchy baby.

https://homestuck.com/story/2173

Vriska may be a born cheater, but I’ve always sort of gotten the impression, based on the killer nature of FLARPING which is alluded to plenty in other situations, that if she’s cheating here, it may be the kind of cheating that is encouraged.

Between that and the way that Tavros and Aradia were discussing the “True Spirit of Flarping,” I can’t help but remember a description of the way propaganda works from some time ago. Propaganda doesn’t usually follow the story arc we are accustomed to, where we start with a character or characters who do not yet possess the tools or abilities they need to succeed, grow to overcome their weakness, and then overcome the problem that they couldn’t before.

Propaganda, instead, introduces us to characters who are already strong, facing enemies who are weak, or problems who are easy. They are strong because they are the heroes! Their enemies are weak. And the function of it is to intimidate the enemies of the person putting out the propaganda, and to rile up aggressive sentiment in those who are on the side of the propagandist.

We’ve already talked about how, in Homestuck “roleplaying” in both its more figurative and literal uses, is a way in which characters act out society’s expectations for them. In that way, I can’t help but view FLARPING as something of a propaganda tool itself, and one that’s pretty integral to Vriska’s way of thinking throughout the comic.

You’re either someone who is strong, or someone who is weak, and if you’re strong, you’re one of the victors, if you’re weak, you’re one of the losers, and you deserve whatever the victors decide what to do with you.

What I guess I’m building up to here is that there are real world societies that Troll Culture seems like an exaggerated parody of - particularly the more militaristic aspects of the Romans, and the Spartans. I’m going to wait for another time to write down all my thoughts about them, because this is turning into a bit of an essay, but suffice to say, it’s probably going to coincide with the one about Patriarchy whenever I get around to it.

https://homestuck.com/story/2175

There’s an interesting thing going on here between the way that Tavros is drawn (nearly identical to his imagine spot about flying around on Prospit), and the way that his erratic behavior isn’t actually all that different from the way characters normally do absurd and dangerous things here.

I’m by no means excusing what Vriska is doing here, but I think that between the fact that Tavros already wants to fly anyway, and the fact that again, characters do this kind of self-destructive thing in Homestuck all the time anyway, although to less of an exaggerated degree, Andrew is drawing a parallel between the narrative prompts from the Exiles, Vriska’s manipulations, and the intrusive thoughts that we already have on our own anyway.

Vriska manipulates Tavros the way that Doc Scratch manipulates her, although considerably clumsier, by getting him to do what he already wants to anyway.

https://homestuck.com/story/2177

That’s really all there is to say on the matter.

It’s like poetry, they rhyme.

In the same way that Bro manipulates Dave by imposing an idea of what it means to be a man on him - someone who can be beaten within an inch of his life, or beat someone else to within an inch of his life without batting an eye - Vriska tries to manipulate Tavros throughout his arc, and this kind of so-called “tough love” is just the start of it.

There’s a lot of supplementary material that delves deeper into Vriska’s rationale for her mistreatment of Tavros, but she makes it clear herself as we go through the comic that she at least justifies her mistreatment of Tavros by telling herself that the purpose of it is to toughen him up (so he can be one of the strong people, a winner who gets the girl.)

https://homestuck.com/story/2178

As he often is about what’s going on with other people when he’s distracted from thinking about himself by his own agitation, Karkat is probably right about Vriska - girls like her are a dime a dozen in the upper classes, and that’s the point. The point of troll society is to produce people like Vriska amongst the highbloods.

https://homestuck.com/story/2195

Let’s dig into Vriska’s self-stylization as an apocalypse buff for a second because it’s not something I think gets talked about a lot.

Apocalypticism is, in my estimation, kind of a form of generational narcissism. There are doomsayers in every generation, who claim that this is it - this new catastrophe, this new social situation, is the most important thing in the world to ever happen. The end is here. All of world history culminates in this.

I don’t mean to downplay the actual existential threats of our generation of course; climate change, late capitalism, that sort of thing. But I think Vriska’s Apocalypse Buffery fits pretty well into her need to be the most important person in Paradox Space all the time.

On another note, Luck in Homestuck is very closely related with a few concepts like Agency in Homestuck through the Aspect of Light. Terezi will later assert that luck doesn’t matter at all. What’s up with that?

Maybe Luck and Karma are two sides of the same coin (ha!) Both of them are pieces in the puzzle of Theodicy, that is to say, the metaphysics question of why there is bad in the world.

Someone like Vriska (at the beginning of her arc) would say that it’s happenstance - bad things and good things can happen to bad and good people, there’s no greater meaning behind it. Vriska has a hard time taking responsibility for her own actions - her locus of control is external, for the most part.

Terezi on the other hand mostly attributes everything to a person’s actions, hence the need to punish bad people, and reward good ones. Terezi would say that good things happen to good people, and bad things happen to bad people. Her locus of control is internal.

Maybe the answer is both motherfuckin’ things.

https://homestuck.com/story/2202

Just as Vriska’s introduction is through a conversation with her victim, so Doc Scratch’s introduction is through a conversation with his victim. Or at least, his most immediate victim.

It’s like poetry, they rhyme.

https://homestuck.com/story/2204

Kanaya pretty well sums up here what I was getting at when talking about Terezi and Vriska’s different locuses of control.

There’s no real good or bad luck here. Good luck for someone is bad luck for someone else, often enough. What “good luck” means to Vriska is that events go down the way that she personally wants them to.

And so, by seizing control and power in situations where she is helpless, the Thief of Light ensures that she always has all the luck.

Kanaya might not be right, by the way, not 100%. I’m not a stoic. You can’t just magically wish away suffering by deciding that actually, you’re 0k with it, anymore than Aradia can. Like I said, the truth probably lies somewhere between Luck and Karma.

https://homestuck.com/story/2207

While the terrifying violent monitor and the emotionally abusive manipulator are bifurcated, Vriska has a lot of the same emotional responses to her guardians as Dave does to his singular guardian - notice the similar, self-soothing language that Vriska’s narrative employs compared to the way that Dave self-sooths when trying to convince himself that the way Bro treats him is just fine and normal.

https://homestuck.com/story/2211

Equius to me is a super interesting character, because on the one hand, he’s a joke character Andrew uses to antagonize the audience by being gross but Andrew also uses him to say the quiet part loud - Homestuck is already, to begin with, a pretty lewd webcomic full of horny characters whose emotional hangups and destructive relationships with societal norms sabotage their chances at happiness. That’s all Equius is. His entire function from start to finish, aside from a source of ribald humor, is to draw attention to the fact that everyone in this comic is looking for comfort in someone else’s body, comfort from the way that unrealistic societal expectations and their attempts to live up to them don’t match up to what’s inside of their heart. Equius is a parody of Homestuck inside of Homestuck. Absurdly overpowered, ridiculously horny, all twisted up inside.

https://homestuck.com/story/2220

The language here that Equius uses - degenerate - is evocative of the sorts of right-wing authoritarian hate mongers that Equius’ ideology stands in for. Equius, of course, has doubts about said ideology, which he starts to express through transgressive relationships pretty much as soon as we meet him, like the one with Aradia. The fact that he can’t make sense of the warring ideas inside of him almost literally kills him.

https://homestuck.com/story/2221

Except that what kills him literally is a shitty clown.

I think what’s going on here is interesting, because if you want to read Equius as like, Homestuck in a nutshell, Equius’ ideological hangups are co-morbid with his sexual hangups, and resolving one set would probably go a long way toward resolving the other set. Equius is, for lack of a better term, a deviant. The sorts of things that excite him (here, viscerally) don’t match up with his idea of how troll society is supposed to be.

Equius and Gamzee are confronting each other with a different vision for what Troll Society is supposed to be like.

https://homestuck.com/story/2222

In stark contrast to the shallow and insincere hostility of Trolls who are actually friends with each other, Vriska and Equius maintain a veneer of social grace as they mutually plan to backstab each other.

https://homestuck.com/story/2237

Vriska is pretty clearly projecting here, but she’s also 100% right. I guess when you know somebody, you know them. Or it could be happenstance.

Her view of redemption is also transactional. “I will make things the way they were before, and things can go back to being the way that they were,” she seems to say. It’s a very legalistic view of it, and while it might have a place in a justice system, even the extremely legalistic Terezi can tell that that wouldn’t actually fix anything. Maybe the physical and emotional damage could be repaired in theory, but if the actors in the situation don’t change themselves in fundamental ways, this is all just going to recur in the future.

Forgiveness isn’t something an abuser can earn - nobody has the right to claim that they have restored a relationship that they destroyed in the first place by demonstrating token repentance.

https://homestuck.com/story/2238

If Andrew already had in mind that Equius should in some way be a part of the gestalt of souls that is Lord English, he’s foreshadowing it early here by comparing Equius’ voyeuristic habits to Scratch’s.

https://homestuck.com/story/2244

I’ll lay my cards on the table and say I think that Doc Scratch can present the facts 100% and still be dishonest. I’m a compatibilist - I think that Free Will and Accountability are compatible with the idea of a deterministic universe. Doc Scratch doesn’t have to talk anyone into anything, but the material conditions that led everyone to the decisions that they chose to make were orchestrated by Lord English. Scratch may not be making any decisions here that effect the outcomes, sure, but the game was rigged in his favor from the start.

Again, I’m not excusing Vriska’s actions here. But for the same reason that we wouldn’t blame Tavros for jumping off of a cliff just because trying to fly is something he already wanted to do to begin with, I think it’s clear to anyone with eyes that Doc Scratch is at least partially responsible for creating this little monster.

Vriska’s complicated. Let’s move on so this whole post doesn’t turn into more Vriskourse. That’s the last thing anyone needs.

https://homestuck.com/story/2258

You know you’re going to anyway.

I guess what intrigues me so much about this section is the gradation between manipulation and coercion.

https://homestuck.com/story/2263

Vriska might be a born cheater, but Doc Scratch is a sore loser.

She’s pretty easy to root for when she’s against him.

https://homestuck.com/story/2269

Man, Act 5 Act 1 is just absolutely lousy with conversation about choice and luck.

https://homestuck.com/story/2276

Part of what creates ambiguity in terms of how much Vriska’s choices are her nature versus the conditions that shaped it is on display here in her conversation with Aradia.

Vriska doesn’t really know how to interact with people positively, like, at all. Nobody’s ever taught her. She doesn’t know what it means to be a friend to someone. She doesn’t know what it means to help someone. She doesn’t know how to be loved or forgiven.

Is this like the scorpion and the frog? Or does she have free will? (I’ll give you a hint, it’s the second one.)

https://homestuck.com/story/2280

This whole sequence is just a delight. The trolls are really just such disaster people, and if I can be excused, it’s easy to put more emotional distance between myself and say, Equius, than it is between myself and Vriska and Terezi. Like I said, Equius says the quiet part out loud, so there’s really nothing much to analyze there.

Aradia’s inability to control the ribbits is part of a general mood of a lack of control that she has as a character. Vriska’s lack of control causes her to rage at the heavens and lash out at the people around her. Aradia is just 0k with it, and neither is a healthy coping strategy. The result is that the two of them break a lot of shit.

https://homestuck.com/story/2305

For the first time in his life, Karkat is not alone.

https://homestuck.com/story/2319

I could really be mistaken here, but the way this whole sequence is presented here really feels, on an archival reread, to be telling me, “You do not need to care about these characters.” Certainly they serve a function in the story, but with the exception of a few of them (literally only a third of them), they serve as tools in an authorial toolbox to help flesh out the setting - not so unlike the Carapacians actually, but with a lot more personality.

https://homestuck.com/story/2323

Kanaya is threefold one of the few of her kind, making her extra special. While she is closest with Rose, she’s a clear parallel to Jade, who if memory serves, suffered frequent accustations of being a Mary Sue early on. Kanaya’s level of specialness (in terms of combined rare factors) outcompetes even Jade’s. Probably a part of the playfully antagonistic style of Homestuck in general.

https://homestuck.com/story/2338

It slipped my mind earlier that the honey on Sollux’s hands was being directly juxtaposed with Dave’s blood on his own hands, and here Kanaya’s. All three of them are, to some extent or another, contemplating their mortality. As Kanaya said just a few panels ago though, death is confusing without the finality. Just another way that Homestuck plays with the nomenclature of endings and beginnings and intermissions and brings into question the usefulness of those categories.

https://homestuck.com/story/2343

I have always enjoyed the dynamic that Kanaya and Eridan share with each other, and I wish there were more conversations of her just dunking on him.

Also of note in this little conversation is the way that Kanaya and John mirror each other’s language. This is an example though where they could not possibly be mirroring it the way that Dave and John might be when they’re talking about Bec, or the way that she and Karkat might be. They have, it seems, the same penchant for mischief.

https://homestuck.com/story/2345

Like her counterparts from Universe B, Kanaya’s preoccupation with relationships and personal contact is made manifest through her Squiddle Lunchtop.

https://homestuck.com/story/2350

Both of the main Pages in Homestuck are characters whose primary usefulness is seen through their ability to make friends and broker alliances. I suspect that being a Page in Sburb is to some extent a bit like being an ADC in League of Legends.

The ADC or Attack Damage Carry, if you’re not familiar with the nomenclature, is a character who starts the game weak, and remains vulnerable throughout such that the whole team has to play babysitter. If you think that sounds unappealing to play, you’d be right - it can be pretty hard to find someone willing to play ADC, especially with the popularity of high-risk high-reward Asassins (not so unlike a thief!) who are their direct counter.

In spite of their relative vlunerability, the ADC has absolutely dominated the meta of League of Legends for the past ten years for the simple reason that there is absolutely no substitute when it comes to controlling objectives.

Maybe Pages are a little bit like that. Frustrating to be one, frustrating to have one around, but extremely rewarding to invest in. It’s too bad nobody can be arsed to give them the emotional support they need to flourish. Too bad they have such... intractible character flaws.

https://homestuck.com/story/2356

Kanaya’s inability to stop mothering people sabotages her chance at winning Vriska’s affection - no doubt because Vriska has misread the situation as Kanaya being her romantic rival for Tavros’s attention. For the better, I guess, since Rosemary is my shit.

Trolls sure are weird.

https://homestuck.com/story/2369

Vriska has already figured out the point of Sburb, and perhaps the ultimate riddle, although she clearly hasn’t figured out the ramifications of it yet.

In any case, it should be clear how she has interpreted Sburb’s directive - authenticate your own existence through reproduction.

Being a winner, having self-worth, being able to justify your own existence means being strong enough, smart enough, pretty enough to shape the rest of existence in your own image.

She’s missing a critical detail, and its absence means she has it completely backwards.

https://homestuck.com/story/2370

We already know what is on the other side of the portal. Vriska is making herself out to be the final boss.

The final boss and the treasure are the same thing, in her mind.

The struggle is the objective.

The fighting is the point.

https://homestuck.com/story/2374

Just wanted to take a second to say that this whole sequence is so unnerving and horrible that I was sure she was going to murder, violate, and/or eat him, not necessarily in that order, the first time I read through this.

The sad reality is, this is the fucked up courtship ritual of a girl who has no idea how to be intimate with other people.

https://homestuck.com/story/2391

And that’s where we’ll pause for the night, having finished nearly 300 pages as promised.

Hope I wasn’t getting too lazy there at the end.

I’m enjoying my weekend.

Hope that yinz enjoy yours once it rolls around.

For now, Alive and Not Sober, Cam signing off.

#commentary #liveblogging #luck #choice

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hayleysstark · 5 years

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GIVE US THE INTENSE ANALYSIS ON MERLIN AND KILGHARRAH YEEEES

may i just say, i am very glad you asked but i really don’t think you’re going to be, by the end of this. do you know how many Thoughts™️ i have had about one very stupid warlock and one very cryptic dragon???? do you????? do you know????? i could turn this into a fucking,,,,,, PowerPoint presentation if i cared to except i don’t and also i would never inflict PowerPoint on my followers, i love you guys far too much for that, i’m sorry for even suggesting it honestly

i AM sorry in advance for how long this is going to be, though, i’ll try to just reference key points, such as,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

The Dragon’s Call

I legitimately don’t even know where to start with this, to tell you the truth - there is just so much to talk about here, and I’m honestly a bit overwhelmed - but I think, most of all, it’s incredibly important to note how easily, how effortlessly, Kilgharrah handles Merlin here.

We don’t know yet how much Kilgharrah truly knows about Merlin as a person - all he ever mentions, in this interaction at least, is the destiny Merlin shares with Arthur - but Merlin gives himself away all too easily. There is such earnest desperation and hope on his face when Kilgharrah talks of fate. He lays bare the thing he wants more than anything else in the world–a purpose for himself and his power–and Kilgharrah immediately seizes this advantage. He dangles a “great destiny” in front of Merlin like a horse with a carrot, but he neglects the details and the specifics in favor of the big picture.

The only true instruction Merlin receives from Kilgharrah in this scene is “protect Arthur”. There’s some stuff about Albion, and freedom for sorcerers, of course, but Kilgharrah leaves it all a bit fuzzy, a bit scrambled. Clearly, he has plenty more to say on the subject, but he deliberately holds back. Like he’s going to clear it all up, yes, of course, but not tonight, no, maybe next time he sees Merlin.

And that’s exactly what he wants.

I know Kilgharrah’s cryptic, confusing, usually not-very-helpful advice is sort of treated a bit like a running joke, by the fandom and the series itself, but just think, for even a second, about the implications of it.

Kilgharrah does not intend to tell Merlin everything he needs to know to fulfill the prophecy. Kilgharrah does not intend to tell Merlin even a fraction of everything he needs to know. Kilgharrah wants to keep Merlin coming back for more. Kilgharrah needs Merlin. Kilgharrah needs to earn Merlin’s trust. Kilgharrah needs to establish a relationship with Merlin if he’s ever going to get free of his prison.

At this point in time, Kilgharrah does not care about Merlin. Kilgharrah does not care, even, about destiny, or Albion. Merlin is merely a means to an end, and so Kilgharrah treats him as such - gives him the bare minimum, gives him the slightest taste of what he wants, and pretends he’s doing Merlin an enormous favor the whole way through.

Perhaps Kilgharrah expects Merlin to jump at this chance - after all, great destinies bring much glory - but that’s absolutely not the case, and, as Merlin gets blunter and blunter about his doubts and reluctance, Kilgharrah takes away all other options.

Kilgharrah tells Merlin that the prophecy is not something he can cast off or leave behind. It’s not something he can outrun. As a matter of fact, their very next interaction in Valiant has a similar exchange.

Kilgharrah cuts off Merlin’s escape routes. Kilgharrah wants to trap Merlin. Kilgharrah wants Merlin to feel trapped, fettered, bound to something he doesn’t even want. Kilgharrah does not want Merlin to have a choice, so Kilgharrah denies him this choice right from the start. Kilgharrah teaches Merlin that he does not get to say no.

And it only gets worse as S1 drags on. Nearly all of their earliest interactions follow the same pattern, every single time: Kilgharrah never gives Merlin the whole truth, and Kilgharrah never forgets to make Merlin feel special.

And it works. It absolutely horrified me to sit through S1 at certain points - the pattern of malicious manipulation stood out to me so starkly, I couldn’t think how other people could even stomach it, to be honest. And even worse, you have to watch the hero wander right into the lions’ den, lay docilely down, and wait for the inevitable, because that manipulation fucking worked.

By as early as The Mark of Nimeuh, Merlin is clearly very at ease with Kilgharrah, visibly relaxed and even content in the caves with him. And it’s a horrific thing to see. If you recognize the pattern, if you recognize the way Kilgharrah draws Merlin in, it truly is a horrific thing to see.

And it only gets worse.

By The Beginning of the End, Merlin has started to take his destiny seriously–so seriously, he calls Arthur’s death “unthinkable”, so seriously that Kilgharrah advises him to kill a child, and Merlin actually takes the time to step back and consider it. This is where the true scope of Kilgharrah’s manipulation can best be seen, especially by the viewers who didn’t notice it, or just didn’t actively look for it in or after The Dragon’s Call.

As in The Dragon’s Call and Valiant, Kilgharrah cuts off Merlin’s escape routes. Kilgharrah traps Merlin. But it’s not like The Dragon’s Call, and it’s not like Valiant, not really, because this time, Kilgharrah is nowhere near as straightforward about it. He does not outright tell Merlin “you have no choice”–as a matter of fact, he is very quick to emphasize how much of a choice Merlin truly has.

And how, if Merlin dares to make the wrong one, it’s going to be all his fault.

Again, this is where the full extent of Kilgharrah’s machinations fully comes to light. For all but Merlin.

Because Merlin continues to trust Kilgharrah right up until

Le Morte d’Arthur

The term “emotional rollercoaster” is, in all honesty, a very weak way to describe this episode, but it’s the best I’ve got, so that’ll have to do. So, to make sure I don’t just fuck off right here, rewatch this one, and cry literal buckets, the way I’d really like to, I’ll just jump right on in. (I already have this whole episode memorized by heart anyway.)

If the casual way Kilgharrah sent Merlin off on an actual suicide mission - in absolutely every sense of the term - wasn’t enough to tip Merlin off that the cryptic lizard under the castle couldn’t be trusted, well, don’t worry, because the rest of the episode certainly does that.

This is the moment when Merlin finally starts to see through Kilgharrah’s pretty words, this is the moment when Merlin finally starts to see the web Kilgharrah has woven all around him, and it is done absolutely brilliantly.

Kilgharrah has grown so confident–so complacent, even–in his control over Merlin, he makes no attempt, at any point, to mask his true intentions.

And Merlin never wondered, not even once, if Kilgharrah might have an ulterior motive, a deeper reason, to see Arthur succeed, to see the prophecy come to fruition. Merlin never suspected Kilgharrah of treachery or deceit.

At first glance, this line is flat, unimaginative, unoriginal - you see it in every stereotypical fantasy series when the hero suffers a betrayal - but if you go back through S1 and you really pay attention to what’s led up to this, and damn, that line cuts deep. Because it’s true. It’s the truth. Merlin really believed Kilgharrah wanted the best for him.

Merlin really believed Kilgharrah was his friend.

Because Kilgharrah played him like a goddamned fiddle.

And even now, Kilgharrah thinks he can pull Merlin right back under his thumb, he truly thinks he’s still got a hold on Merlin, however small.

When Kilgharrah sees he’s lost the emotional advantage he had over Merlin, he immediately finds another angle to work with - the magical connections he and Merlin share. And it backfires spectacularly.

This is the first moment we see Kilgharrah truly fail. And this is the first moment we see Kilgharrah lose all control, and lash out in wild fury.

This was not a calculated move. This was not part of the plan. This was not the way Kilgharrah wanted things to go from here. This is raw, uncontrolled, unrestrained rage. This does not fit into the grand scheme Kilgharrah has cooked up over all those years in the dark, this is something far more primal than that. This is an emotional reaction in the deepest sense of the term, and it’s Merlin who dragged such an extreme response out of him.

But unlike in previous episodes, Merlin doesn’t come back and resolve it all. Things stay sour between them for–well, several weeks, actually, that’s my best guess, because we see in The Curse of Cornelius Sigan, Merlin’s outright refusal, at first, to return to Kilgharrah.

Gaius eventually convinces Merlin to mend fences with the dragon - Camelot will fall if he doesn’t, which certainly gives Merlin an incentive - but Kilgharrah’s help comes at a steep price now.

It’s clear Kilgharrah has realized he doesn’t need to play Merlin anymore. He doesn’t need to hide what he really wants, and he certainly doesn’t need to do anything special to keep Merlin coming back to him. Merlin needs him. Merlin will come back so long as he still has a prince to protect. So Kilgharrah, with this newfound sort of freedom, goes to the opposite extreme. He tears Merlin down for the smallest thing, he criticizes Merlin for every last little failure, he sneers at Merlin’s resolute hold to his own morality, he blames and belittles Merlin, he is needlessly and openly cruel to Merlin at absolutely every opportunity.

In The Nightmare Begins, we see he refuses to help Merlin with Morgana, he insists Morgana is not to be trusted and he calls Merlin a fool for his attempts to help her with her magic.

And, in The Witch’s Quickening, Kilgharrah reproaches Merlin for his failures with both Mordred and Morgana. (That’s honestly just a constant throughout S2 - Merlin does something, Kilgharrah tears him apart for it, Merlin defends himself and his decisions, Kilgharrah reminds Merlin of his promise to set him free, Merlin swears he will, and so on and so forth. I really don’t think we need to touch on every single interaction between them in S2, as many of them are largely the same.)

But a few key points here…..

The Fires of Idirsholas

Anyone notice how every season finale, with the exception of S4, marks a major turning point in Merlin and Kilgharrah’s relationship??? Because I fucking do. anyways, quick aside before we get into the more serious stuff

Merlin knows Kilgharrah well enough to know the dragon’s just fucking around, and honestly, that makes me so happy. one of them might be a scaly asshole and the other might be a magical bastard, but goddamn, their relationship still has its moments.

So this scene is,,,,,,,,,, honestly really important, I’ll just stick a bunch of screenshots in right here and dissect it as I go

Merlin acts rashly here, there’s definitely no doubt about that, but honest to God, this is one impulsive decision where you just can’t blame him at all. Kilgharrah has backed him completely into a corner–and, in keeping with his new attitude toward Merlin in S2, Kilgharrah doesn’t bother with subtlety, Kilgharrah doesn’t even try and rely on manipulation to get Merlin exactly where he wants him to be.

It seems overt threats and brute force are the tools Kilgharrah has turned to, since he lost his command over Merlin in S1.

As we can see here, Kilgharrah does not bother to try and lightly nudge Merlin down the “right” path–why would he bother to be kind if he doesn’t absolutely have to be, after all? This is just the most complete turnaround from The Beginning of the End, and it’s absolutely astounding how smoothly, how neatly, the change in Kilgharrah comes about.

But, as we all know, the overt threats and brute force actually work. Merlin does exactly as Kilgharrah wants - he poisons Morgana, he steals a sword from the Knights of Medhir, and he frees Kilgharrah (anyone else remember the fUCKING MAGIC STAIRS THAT LITERALLY DIDN’T EXIST UNTIL MERLIN NEEDED THEM Or nah just me?? maybe Merlin magicked them up with his phenomenal cosmic powers i dunno either way i fucking hate it)

And this string of Nice Job Breaking It, Hero! decisions leads us to……

The Last Dragonlord

There’s a lot of ground to cover in this episode, honestly, but for now, let’s focus on how Kilgharrah knew Balinor.

Let’s break that shit down, because it’s really fucking important, actually. Kilgharrah knew Balinor. To that end, he must have known Merlin. Maybe he knew Merlin’s ancestry right from the start, maybe he sensed it, even, through the telepathic connection he established with Merlin in The Dragon’s Call, or maybe, the moment he laid eyes on Merlin, he simply saw so much of Balinor there, and he put it all together, but however he worked it out, Kilgharrah knew Balinor, and Kilgharrah knew Merlin must be Balinor’s son.

And Kilgharrah deliberately withheld this from Merlin.

And Kilgharrah rarely makes a move without reason. Kilgharrah has always got some sort of plan, some sort of scheme, some kind of angle to work, and that’s exactly what he has right here.

Because, God knows, if Merlin ever met Balinor, if Merlin ever learned about dragonlords, if Merlin ever had any knowledge of the magical world Kilgharrah did not personally hand to him, it would give Merlin an advantage. However small, this knowledge would give Merlin an advantage.

And Kilgharrah cannot let him have that.

i previously touched pretty heavily on this episode, and what it means for Merlin and Kilgharrah’s relationship here, so i’ll just reiterate briefly ~

Ever since Le Morte d’Arthur, Merlin and Kilgharrah’s relationship has headed for something serious, something major–if all the bits of S2 weren’t enough to foreshadow that, Merlin’s final promise to free Kilgharrah in The Fires of Idirsholas certainly did–and that incredible tension finally comes to a head here. When Merlin discovers his own latent dragonlord abilities. When Merlin “finds the voice” that he and Kilgharrah share. When Merlin realizes Kilgharrah’s soul and his are “brothers”.

Oh, no, Merlin doesn’t forgive Kilgharrah here–and that’s what most powerful about it, in all honesty, it really just wouldn’t have packed the same punch, if Merlin had truly buried the hatchet here. But he doesn’t. The hard edges of his anger soften, he sees revenge is a pathetic and pointless thing to try and exact from Kilgharrah, and he sees he has laid unnecessary and unfair blame on Kilgharrah. But he doesn’t forgive Kilgharrah. Not at all.

And Kilgharrah doesn’t forgive Merlin.

Kilgharrah comes to respect Merlin. Up until now, Kilgharrah has seen Merlin as little more than a child–foolish and naive and entirely dependent on others, too easily tricked, too easy to take advantage of, too quick to trust, too quick to love, too quick to give his heart away–and while that perspective isn’t necessarily unfair, it’s not the whole picture, either. Merlin isn’t just a child. Merlin isn’t just foolish and naive and gullible.

And for the first time, Kilgharrah really sees that. Kilgharrah has believed, up until right this moment, that Merlin’s heart, Merlin’s compassion, Merlin’s love, would lead him to his death, to Arthur’s death, to the fall of Camelot, to the failure of the prophecy. Kilgharrah didn’t truly believe Merlin could achieve his destiny. Not until right now.

Because, for the first time, Merlin’s heart, Merlin’s compassion, Merlin’s love, serves Kilgharrah.

Merlin shows Kilgharrah mercy (and commands him to “do the same to others”) and in the face of such an unexpected and undeserved kindness, Kilgharrah finally sees Merlin in his entirety.

And Kilgharrah comes to respect Merlin.

Something fundamental has shifted between them. Something has changed here tonight, and it’s immediately obvious right from their very first scene together in S3.

If that - and the gentle, almost sweet way Kilgharrah cares for Merlin here - didn’t already indicate a serious shift in their dynamic, the rest of it certainly does.

If The Last Dragonlord wasn’t a thing, do you really think Kilgharrah would ever have said Merlin “showed great courage” when he followed his heart? Yeah. Neither do I. Oh, and then Kilgharrah allows Merlin to ride upon his back all the way to Camelot.

What a blatant change from S2, don’t you think? But the conflict between Merlin and Kilgharrah isn’t entirely over. With two such obstinate, contrary personalities, it’s almost inevitable, to tell the truth.

But The Crystal Cave is, I think, the first true example of how Merlin, rather than Kilgharrah, holds all the power in their relationship now.

In S1, Kilgharrah convinced Merlin he did not get to say no.

In S3, Merlin proves Kilgharrah truly does not get to say no. Kilgharrah has absolutely no choice in this, Kilgharrah has absolutely no power or control or command here. It all lies with Merlin. And Merlin is so damned out of line.

Don’t misunderstand me. It’s wonderful that Merlin has finally learned how to handle himself around Kilgharrah. He has finally learned how to stand on his own and stick to his guns, he has finally proven Kilgharrah cannot lead him around blindly as in S1.

But Merlin is out of line here. Merlin does mistreat Kilgharrah here. Merlin does abuse his power here. And that’s not okay.

Kilgharrah isn’t the sole “bad guy” in this dynamic, and Merlin is not his helpless, defenseless victim. It’s not so simple as all that. The minute the power is placed in Merlin’s hands, he uses it. He is every bit as cruel to Kilgharrah as Kilgharrah has ever been to him.

(something very interesting to note here: Merlin waits to see what Kilgharrah will do. He’s already given his orders, there is little more Kilgharrah can do, but Merlin is genuinely curious to see if a dragon can truly shake off his control. As we see in Kilgharrah’s acquiescence mere moments later, he cannot. this has nothing to do with anything, I just really like the little detail.)

Kilgharrah and Merlin never resolve this conflict, but the next time they get together, in The Coming of Arthur, things appear to be back to normal. There’s no lasting anger on either side. Kilgharrah even proclaims his loyalty to Merlin, and lets Merlin ride upon his back again.

In The Darkest Hour, the year’s gap has clearly only served to strengthen Merlin and Kilgharrah’s relationship even further.

Kilgharrah’s confession here is powerful enough all on its own, but the soft, sorrowful way he says it really plays up how much he would truly miss Merlin, were he to lose him now. Even Kilgharrah in S3 hadn’t yet developed enough–or, in truth, softened enough–to grieve Merlin as he does here.

And yet, for all of that, Kilgharrah’s character stays mostly the same, right up until the end of the series. Yes, he has come to care about Merlin now - he doesn’t even try to deny it - and yet, he still cares for himself and his own plans more.

And he makes that pretty clear in Aithusa.

To be fair to Kilgharrah, Merlin’s hesitation here is merely that - a hesitation. He is going to go after the egg. He is going to rescue Aithusa. He’s already made up his mind. He just needs a little push, and Kilgharrah’s intention here is simply to provide him with that push.

But guilt didn’t need to be that push. Guilt shouldn’t have been that push. The inherent malice in a mention of Merlin’s father felt cruel. Like a step backward for Kilgharrah and his growth. Like he hadn’t changed at all since S1.

And it felt right! Kilgharrah shouldn’t have to change the very essence of who he is, as a character, as a person, to prove how much he has grown. He has grown! By leaps and bounds, he has grown, and this is not an erasure of that growth, this is a reminder that all that growth will not turn him into a pure or wholesome or unproblematic character.

If you really need a further demonstration of Kilgharrah’s development over the course of the series, just look at his reaction when he hears Aithusa’s egg is still out there somewhere.

This is not an act. This is real. Kilgharrah is overjoyed at the idea that he will not have to be alone any longer, and it astounds me, still, how truly open with Merlin he is here, how freely he expresses himself. Even as late as S3, Kilgharrah takes care to cloak and conceal his emotions even from his dragonlord, and to see him so candid is honestly a bit of a shock.

Kilgharrah has come to trust Merlin enough to be honest with him, to be open with him. For that alone, this moment is one of the most important the two share over the course of the series.

also, this episode is my personal favorite from S4, so have a rare glimpse of Merlin and Kilgharrah being happy together:

We don’t see much of Kilgharrah from here on out - in fact, we don’t see him in S4 at all after this - except his brief appearance in The Sword in the Stone ((which was hella rad, by the way, don’t ever piss one Merlin Emrys off or he will just call up a fucking dragon to rain down literal hellfire on you i guess)) - but the times we do see him are very important!

The Kindness of Strangers

Raise your hand if this episode just utterly wrecked you, because,,,,,,,,,, uh,,,,,,, yeah,,,,,,,, as the kids say,,,,,,,, “big same”,,,,,,,,,,

Merlin and Kilgharrah’s time together is actually very short, in this episode, but all the more poignant and impactful for that. It’s clear right from the first moment Merlin opens his mouth that the dynamic between the two of them has evolved yet again. Aithusa definitely planted the seeds for this new and stronger relationship, but it’s only here we get to see those seeds truly blossom.

So, yes, there are definite echoes of Aithusa here–Kilgharrah is honest, he’s candid, he’s open with his emotions, but unlike in Aithusa, he’s much freer with his affection for Merlin. Sure, he’s certainly had his moments (The Darkest Hour jumps readily to mind) but even so, he’s never been quite this quick to confess how much he’s truly come to care for Merlin.

And it’s a rare thing, really, to see Merlin so relaxed around Kilgharrah. It’s taken the two of them a long time to grow so comfortable with each other, and it’s wonderful to finally get to see it!

………oh, yeah, and then there’s this

So this is kind of branded into my memory (listen, I was already braced for Arthur’s death, okay, I did not expect to lose Kilgharrah, too, and if you think I didn’t cry literal buckets after this episode, you are fucking WRONG) but the bits that really stick out?

“What will I do without you?” “It is the cycle of life–no more, no less.”

The two of them have really just come such a long way, haven’t they? Remember in S1, when Merlin was merely a means to an end for Kilgharrah? Remember in S2, when Kilgharrah was nothing more than a necessary evil to Merlin?

Now, Merlin cannot imagine his life without Kilgharrah and now, Kilgharrah tries to ease Merlin’s grief and sorrow in any way he can.

Which, actually, is the exact same thing he does in

The Diamond of the Day

Kilgharrah has just seen Merlin fail, in the worst and most enormous way possible. Destiny has finally come to fruition, and Emrys himself was not strong enough to stop it.

And yet, Kilgharrah - who, in the past, has never hesitated to point out all the ways Merlin went wrong, no matter how Merlin feels in the moment - offers nothing but comfort, and the first glimmers of hope for the future.

A little hard to believe, isn’t it, that this is the same dragon we met in S1. damn it’s been literal years and i’m STILL shook over the drastic change in the two of them.

Though the core of the characters remain largely consistent, the two of them truly just shape each other so much as the series goes on.

Merlin would not be the person he is in S5 without Kilgharrah, and Kilgharrah would not be the person he is in S5 without Merlin.

thanks for coming to my TED talk ~

#merlin #bbc merlin #ask #anonymous

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dreamingsnowflake2013 · 5 years

Photo

It would be unrealistic if Type didn’t struggle the way he does - not only is it his first serious relationship but also a relationship with a man, which is something he previously thought to be impossible. Frankly, it’s inevitable that he fucks up many times. Even people who’s been married for decades do that, much less a 20 year old boy who learns to be loved and love in return for the first time in his life. Everything is new for him - all these complicated, messy emotions and situations he’s to deal with, particularly the way they expose his own flaws, must be overwhelming him. On the other hand, there is Tharn, so well-adjusted and fuctional with his supportive and accepting family, emotionally and sexually experienced, but first impressions can be often deceiving and even he has his sorrows and dark secrets; some hidden pain brewing right under the surface.

When Type confronts Tharn about San, Tharn tells him that whenever he tells him anything, he doesn’t listen. He deliberately uses the word “listen” because there is a huge different between hearing, remembering and actually listening. It’s not that Type doesn’t care, on the contrary. He actually remembers everything, every detail Tharn ever told him about himself in the past (his love for Western food (he thinks about it in the restaurant with Puifai), his family, the car Thorn drives, the way he lost his virginity when he was 14,...) and notices all these little things about him, like the different ways he smiles. Even Type’s father immediately notes how his sons spends 2 minutes describing Tharn, including the contours of his face and the shape of his nose, while he didn’t bother to talk about his other friends in the past. However, he doesn’t really ask much about Tharn. At first, he hadn’t because he’s stubborn to show any sort of interest in him and then, when they became true lovers, he was so happy to be with Tharn, in their little piece of heaven where it seemed nothing could touch them. But the world and reality always intervene. It’s like a bubble which bursts with the entrance of an intruder who makes Type face and acknowledge his own shortcomings. Type DOES CARE a lot about Tharn, but he fails at listening to him, that is, UNDERSTANDING AND RESPECTING HIS FEELINGS.

He’s grown too much accustomed that Tharn would do anything for him - accept his temper, change himself for him, agree to his ridiculous excuses and give in to his demands, including keeping their relationship a secret. Tharn’s been giving, while he’s been constantly receiving, growing so used to it, that he keeps pushing for more, imposing his self-centered needs on Tharn. TYPE’S LOVE IS SELFISH, at this point. He makes everything about himself, which is apparent from the frequent use of the 1st person singular: “I’m hurt”, “I hate it”, “it pains ME”... It’s not that Type isn’t curious about Tharn or that he doesn’t ask about him, but he doesn’t ask about Tharn’s feelings. Tharn has always respected his wishes and boundaries and now it’s Type’s turn to do the same in return.

The issue isn’t really Type’s lack of in Tharn’s faithfulness, but rather his insecurities of not being good enough, of not comparing to the other men Tharn had been with. The actual root behind Type’s jealousy is his intense fear that Tharn and his love can be taken away for him. Having no prior experience with serious relationship, Type is overhelmed by his emotions for Tharn and everything it entails - how he loves and desires him so wholly, wanting him only for himself. He never expected that he would end up loving Tharn so much. Type has never been afraid to lose anyone or jealousy of anyone - until Tharn entered his life and became indispensable and vital to him, just like air for breathing or water. He is in so deep that he can’t imagine losing him and being without him. Thus, when confronted with the possibility of losing him and he feels threatened by San, he panics and lashes out because that’s been Type’s M.O. since he’s 12 years old alone in the dark and no one came to save him.

The first signs of insecurity and jealousy appear when Type sees Tharn in a photo with a stranger standing next to him, holding his arm around Tharn’s neck by his side, on his birthday and at his home, but beside these two emotions he feels something else - regret. It should have been him on that photograph, smiling with Tharn and holding his hand. If only he weren’t stubborn, insecure and afraid to come when Tharn invited him. It’s truly a vicious circle. Later, when he finds San’s gift, the sting of jealousy grows stronger. The present is thoughtful and shows that the person truly knows Tharn. In that moment, Type feels like someone bested him and he hates that, and not even Tharn’s reassurance that he loves Type’s present can take away the hurt. When Type spots San walking by Tharn’s side, once again “stealing his place”, jealousy rears its ugly head even more and makes him blind to everything else, including how unfounded his insecurites and fears are. He only sees the person who could take Tharn away from him. So afraid is he of losing Tharn that he completely misses how Tharn forgets about San and starts smiling, beaming like a fool the moment he sees Type.

If looks could kill, San would be already dead. And I’m sure Techno would help Type bury the body the boy because he is so damn loyal to Type, it’s unreal. It’s another of those barely noticeable moments, but when San confronts Type and tells him that he’s Tharn’s first man, Type’s reactions is similar to how he reacts when there is a gay person near him - all tense and ready to fight - but this time he isn’t disgusted to be touched by a gay. It’s as if the fact that San’s a gay doesn’t matter at all; what matters that he has some sort of claim of Tharn and knows about him things Type doesn’t. Moreover, during the whole time he’s known San, Type doesn’t mention that San is gay even once, as if it were completely normal. It’s a sign that his homophobia is weakening even without him noticing. It’s important to realize that San’s immense knowledge is something he acquired over the span of 5 years, being the best friend of his brother and coming to their house regurlarly. In comparison, Type’s known Tharn for a relatively short time. Give him 4 more years, hell, after this, give him 1 months and he’ll be the biggest expert on Tharn throughout the known universe and until the end of time.

Type’s threats and forceful demands are nothing but desperate pleas which translate as: “I want to know everything about you. I want to know you like no one else does. I don’t want to feel like this ever again. I don’t want anyone else near you. I hate myself for not being good enough, for never treating you right.” While Tharn’s standing there, taking all that hurt of Type never caring about his feelings. The whole time, he’s trying so hard to control himself from saying something that could hurt Type, and with his heartfelt admission why he ate the sashimi, you realize that’s what he’s been doing since the moment he met Type (it all started when he kept from Type that he’s gay, resigning himself to a one-sided love so he wouldn’t impose his selfish desires on him), bottling everything up, taking himself out of the equation, never demanding anything and asking so very little from Type over the course of their relationship. That’s how much he’s afraid to lose him.

This is the first time, Tharn projects and reveals his own securities. Just like Type, he has his own trauma, his own skeleton in the closet - an immense fear of abandonment, born from the fact that all his previous relationships failed, including his first love. The word “break-up” alone is the most traumatic and painful word of them all and the unsuspecting Type uses exactly that very word and unwittingly drives a dagger through Tharn’s heart. That isn’t a word, you throw around carelessly because it means the end. No matter how angry you are, that is the line you should never cross unless you’re prepared for the consequences because there is no coming back from it.

Type regrets it the moment he says it. You can spot the flicker of panic when he realizes what he’s just did - in his blind fear and anger not to lose Tharn, he might have done just the very thing he’s been trying to prevent. Furthermore, he’s hurt Tharn again. However, for the first time since they were at an open war, Tharn gives as good as he gets and it takes Type suggesting that they break up to make him snap. While his lover uses angry tirades and thoughtless words, Tharn isn’t vicious or threatening, he hurts Type with brutal truth and honesty. And you can spot a second flicker in Type’s eyes, this time of sheer and utter terror that he just might have truly lost Tharn with his temper; and the terror he feels while watching Tharn as he’s walking away from him.

The following anger and frustration isn’t directed at Tharn or San, but at himself, for messing up again so badly, for hurting the person he loves the most in the world again. San’s appearance makes Type realizes how much he’s been lacking as Tharn’s boyfriend, fearing that he isn’t good enough and that insecurity gets the better of him. It’s something Type has to face and overcome.

But it takes two people to misunderstand each other and, to be fair, it isn’t everything Type’s fault. Tharn’s inherent fear of losing him prevents him from showing Type his worst and thus, he’s keeping a part of himself from Type. And Type can instictively feel it that he’s being deliberately kept in the dark by Tharn and that’s where part of his frustration is coming from because he’s shared with Tharn his deepest, darkest secrets and isn’t afraid of showing his true self no matter how ugly it is because he KNOWS Tharn can accept him unconditionally and wholly. So when Tharn withhelds that part of himself from him, refusing to trust him with it, it’s no wonder he feels insecure. However, at the end of the day, while their insecurities might come from a different place, Tharn and Type are afraid of the same thing - of losing each other.

Finally, the sheer epic symbolism of the little moment when Type, who claims to be uncaring and indifferent about Tharn’s feelings, even notices Tharn’s little button on the floor in the darkness! This self-centered man cares, HE CARES LIKE NO ONE ELSE DOES!

#tharntype #tharntype the series #mew suppasit #mewgulf #analysis #ttepisode8

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notthatiwilleverwriteit · 5 years

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i feel like jian yi uses emotion to influence zhan zheng xi's decision. when he talks about his sexuality he is either crying or on the verge of crying which i think softens zhan zhengxi's attitude towards him. i don't get people that are saying zhan zheng xi is demisexual and not interested in girls at all and when his only encounter with girls is xiao hui? who is his stalker. it is very natural for zhan zheng xi to dislike her. i feel like jian yi is very manipulative.

Good evening, dear anon-san!

Before we get any further, I got your another ask that it’s okay if I won’t answer your question. I’m not sure why you felt that way but you had gone through the big trouble of writing your thoughts, so I want to try and give you mine. Also, I don’t talk about Zhanyi too often, so I don’t want to pass chances when people give me a nudge to do so. Anyway, I hope you won’t mind I decided to answer your ask.

You had a lot of things to talk about, so I thought I would give my thoughts some structure by picking up some overall themes.

A bit of a TL;DR: I imagine your interpretation of Jian Yi’s character is very much of an unpopular opinion. And I’m afraid I won’t be agreeing with it very much because I have always read him and his relationship with Zhan Zheng Xi quite differently. That being said, though, I do want to applaud your courage to share your views with us. It makes me feel privileged that you feel comfortable enough with me to be open about your opinions.

Zhan Zheng Xi and Xiao Hui

Let’s start this with perhaps the easiest topic: XH having a crush on ZZX. It’s true she didn’t really hide her feelings for ZZX. She tried to muster up enough courage to deliver her confession letter many times and also approached him directly. However, it was clear ZZX was bothered and felt uncomfortable by her affections. (ch. 51, 52, 98, 99. 102, and 156)

She was quite persistent and forward, but I don’t think she deserves to be called a stalker. Not even close. I think we’re forgetting that middle school is that awkward time in life when it’s starting to be noticeable that girls develop faster than boys. Girls of that age can actually be very open about their crushes while boys feel embarrassed, bothered, and annoyed by them. Nor are boys really interested quite yet. I think that’s very much apparent in ZZX and XH’s case.

A short storytime. When I was in middle school (about 12-13 years old) I had the most intense crush on this boy in my class. My very soul was consumed by how much in love I was with him. And I had no problem being open about it, either; I gave him birthday and Christmas cards publically, forced him to write on my friends book, and overall was quite pushy with him. He never returned my passionate feelings but was rather annoyed, embarrassed and disgusted by them. After two years, my feelings passed. Was I a stalker, though? I don’t think so.

So, yes, it was very understandable and realistic for ZZX to be bothered by XH’s advances but I wouldn’t brand her as a “stalker” and make too direct conclusions about their relationship. Rather I think that’s how it usually goes in that age.

Jian Yi and Xiao Hui’s letter

Overall, JY was in a very difficult position when he found out about XH’s feelings for ZZX. On one hand, he was very much in love with ZZX, and it had been his most precious secret that he’s both wanted to confess and hide. Worst case scenario, his romantic feelings might end their childhood friendship or put them in a position where others could easily discriminate and bash them. On the other hand, XH’s advances put pressure on JY and painfully remind him that it’s not as simple for him to confess and be open about his crush. I have always sympathized with him because being in that position can be very painful and conflicting. (100, 101)

I mean, imagine someone asked you to deliver a confession letter to the person you have been in love with for years. Can you imagine how crushing that would feel? A big part of me, at least, would certainly think my crush was doomed. And it was obvious JY struggle between doing the right thing and doing what his heart wanted to.

When JY agreed to give ZZX her letter on the condition that she won’t come near him, I think that was the most manipulative JY got in that whole story (ch. 100):

And I don’t think even that was very successful. He told her to stay away but... what was the endgame? Was JY’s plan to make her believe he had given ZZX the letter and prevent her from finding out the truth by telling her to keep her distance? But at some point, she would have grown anxious and approached ZZX again, right? The truth would certainly have come out eventually.

I think he hadn’t thought it through at all but rather that “don’t come near him” plan was a desperate attempt to buy some time. I don’t see that as JY trying to isolate ZZX in a toxic way at all but rather him trying to prolong the inevitable. His feelings for ZZX never had the same promise of a future as XH’s feelings - and straight love, in general.

Also, let’s not forget that JY did end up giving ZZX the letter despite his own difficult position (ch. 102):

What ZZX said made him realize it wouldn’t be right for JY to decide things for him. He couldn’t advance his own goals that way and feel good about it. But at the same time, giving ZZX that letter put JY’s feelings at a big risk. Basically, JY came close to watching the person he loved returning someone else’s feelings. I’m not sure I could have done the same if I had been JY, and I bet many of us would have struggled to make up our minds, too. Would that make us toxic manipulators, though?

Xiao Hui’s letter exposed

XH’s confession letter being exposed to everybody was a messy situation for all parties. It exposed so many private and vulnerable feelings for anyone to see and make fun of. And usually, the more we want to protect something inside us, the stronger we react when it’s either exposed or poked at.

Even if I don’t really see JY worrying about ZZX’s reputation as a bad thing or something problematic, I have always wondered about that part (ch. 158):

It always seemed like an odd thing to worry about in that situation to me. But I suppose he just didn’t want ZZX to become the center of gossiping. People were making fun of the letter and both its writer and who it was addressed to. Again, romance is quite a tender topic at that age, especially publically. To be involved in those kinds of things - even involuntarily - would most probably put you in the kind of awkward position that you can never quite live down. So, yeah, even if my center of worries wouldn’t probably be protecting ZZX’s reputation, I still get where JY was coming from.

I also suppose JY didn’t want XH’s crush to be public knowledge because it made his situation that more difficult and an uphill battle. The rumors and gossips would stoke and contribute to the overall rhetoric that ZZX has a girlfriend or that he’s popular among girls. But again, I don’t really see that line of thinking as manipulative. I don’t think he was pretending to be sad or trying to provoke XH to make her look bad in ZZX’s eyes. I’m sure I would have felt somewhat the same in his situation, actually.

However, I do agree that readers (if that’s what you meant by “people”) were too eager to brand XH as a problematic homophobe and hate her guts. What she said was wrong and hurtful but still not that surprising (ch. 158):

She had been publically humiliated and her feelings had been made of by everyone. She was hurt and embarrassed, and when JY blamed her she lashed out and threw the easiest and most obvious insult she could think of. I don’t think it’s fair to judge her whole character based on one moment when she was so vulnerable and humiliated.

What comes to ZZX, I don’t think it was a case of him conveniently walking in when JY had been bashed by XH and him judging the situation wrongly (JY as the victim and XH the villain). The way ZZX handled the situation tells us that he could see behind the emotional escalation and recognized the pain both JY and XH were suffering (ch. 158 and 159):

He understood XH had poked a very vulnerable spot with her “disgusting gay” remark and why JY had gotten upset. Not long ago before the letter incident, he had seen how insecure JY was about his feelings for someone of the same sex and how scared he was of being rejected because of it. It was the last thing JY wanted people to talk about out loud but also where you could hurt him the most.

But ZZX also realized the situation XH was in and why she had lashed out. He was very gentle with her and treated her feelings with respect despite turning them down. He saw his own little sister in her, not a villain or a bad person. I’m sure his reaction would have been vastly different if he had thought XH was out to deliberately hurt JY.

Jian Yi’s orientation and manipulation

I can’t say I see JY using emotions to knowingly influence and manipulate ZZX’s decisions but I do think ZZX has an obvious soft spot for his best friend. It goes all the way back to their childhood when ZZX promised to protect him, and later JY’s special place in ZZX’s eyes is represented by the rhetoric of lifelong promises between them (ch. 97, 127, 159, 161, 169, 285):

To me, that’s pretty much the essence of ZZX’s character. He’s loyal, protective, and surprisingly comfortable being so caring. We can see him treat his little sister very similarly to how he treats JY. So, when he sees his best friend crying and thinking there’s something wrong with him because he’s different from others, it’s his second nature to comfort and reassure JY.

Overall, JY has talked about his orientation or feelings for ZZX three times in the comic so far in a way that has changed the course of the story. (If you wish to read more about how I see the Zhanyi storyline go check out my other earlier answer.) The most shocking and dramatic turning point for both of them was probably when JY’s feelings came to light for the first time (ch. 143):

I really can’t see JY being emotionally manipulative at that moment. I would say his reaction is more than understandable and realistic instead. I don’t know if you have ever had to come out to anyone about your sexual orientation, dear anon-san, but it’s always a nerve-wracking experience. I’ve told about my own bisexuality to my parents and best friend and it was insanely scary both times even if I was confident they wouldn’t have a problem with it. Despite everything, there’s always that little “what if” rattling in your head.

Now, multiply that by XXX and put yourself in JY’s raincoat. He was a teenage boy who had just kissed his lifelong best friend and couldn’t play it off as a joke. The more he tried to run and hide, the more the feelings he had buried for years poured out in a mess of tears and fragmented thoughts. I mean, we had read about how deep their friendship ran for 100+ chapters by then but I’m sure many of us were still nervous and unsure about how ZZX would react.

However, ZZX isn’t unable to set his limits even when offering comfort. I think that was apparent the second time JY’s feeling were addressed when JY was drunk and looking for something ZZX wasn’t ready to give him yet (ch. 165):

JY was genuinely very emotional and in a vulnerable place but ZZX had to reject him. I actually talked about that moment in one of my earlier answers because I have always found it interesting and complicated. JY was so insecure and afraid of ZZX rejecting him that he wanted to push the limits to find out how ZZX felt about him (both being in love with him and someone of the same sex). It almost seemed like he was tired of being anxious and kind of wanted to get it over with. But ZZX wasn’t quite there yet. He had expressed his support when it came to JY liking men but wasn’t ready for what JY was really feeling. Unfortunately, that meant he had to hurt the already vulnerable JY but the bottom line is, he did reject him. He might have a lot of affection for JY but he’s also very in tune with what he wants and isn’t ready for. That’s also a part of him being honest and loyal. If he had allowed JY to have his way, ZZX wouldn’t have been true to JY or himself.

The third and last time was when JY finally, officially confessed and - according to my interpretation - ZZX returned his feelings. Again, I don’t see JY being emotionally manipulative but there is one aspect that has always caught my attention (ch. 209):

JY says he likes ZZX so much he’s about to explode and whether it’s about their past or future, it’s always been and will always be about ZZX. This time JY’s fear of rejection manifests itself a bit differently, though. He kind of rejects his feelings himself before ZZX even says a word. He already knows ZZX isn’t happy about being loved by another guy and his best friend at that, so there’s no need for ZZX turn him down. Also, by seemingly shifting the goal of his confession (you won’t feel the same way but at least I finally said it) JY is protecting himself.

Could that behavior be taken as manipulation? I guess on some level, but I think it’s also a very natural and realistic reaction. It can be used to influence someone’s decisions but it’s also a defense mechanism. One that I - and I’m sure many others - can personally relate to very much. And I don’t see JY saying those things in that situation as a way to try and make ZZX feel sorry for him and return his feelings that way. This was the first time he was completely open and honest about his love for ZZX - confessing while looking straight into his eyes - so it’s no surprise he behaved defensively like that.

Also, I believe ZZX had already made up his mind about what his answer would be before he even asked the question. He had reached his resolve and was comfortable with it. All he needed was for JY to say the words out loud.

Jian Yi, Mo Guan Shan, and He Tian’s money

Okay, the last topics! This was something you only briefly mentioned but I felt like they supported your view on JY that already differed quite a lot from mine, so I thought I would give my two cents about these, too.

I think JY is exactly the kind of friend Mo Guan Shan desperately needed when he was falsely accused of assaulting that girl. In fact, JY is the kind of friend all of us should have: someone who won’t hesitate to stand up for us. Because I don’t think “anyone would have done the same thing” for MGS. Actually, that’s why She Li picked him as the scapegoat in the first place (ch. 178, 186, and 184):

Not only did SL take advantage of knowing MGS was a social outcast at school and people were prejudiced against him so no one would even doubt the things said about him but he also knew MGS didn’t have the kind of friends who would step in. He Tian most certainly was one of them, but so was JY the way he didn’t hesitate to barge into the office and loudly demand justice for MGS (ch. 185):

Let’s remember, when the assault case was going on HT, JY and ZZX were the only ones defending MGS. Not even the teachers seemed to think “innocent until proven guilty” or even entertain the thought that MGS might not have done it.

What comes to JY talking about HT having a lot of money (or being rich or poor in general), I think it’s just a part of him being cheeky and the kind of humor 19 Days has. JY’s character has this obliviously and unapologetically immature side that can be a bit annoying at first but soon becomes one of his most lovable features. I never took this side of him as an offense but rather him just being a 15-year-old boy among other teenage boys that will fire back just the same (ch. 258, 296, 298, 301, and 310):

JY doesn’t really have a filter and he likes to brag a little when, for once, he’s in that kind of position, but there’s no true malice in his words.

A few quick notes that I won’t get into deeper than this:

I don’t know about ZZX being demisexual but overall BL does seem to have this trend of making male protagonists fall in love with each other without identifying as LGBT. BL has been criticized for this because it’s a way to avoid talking about the fact that men who are attracted to other men are, in fact, gay (or bi). In many BL stories, the protagonists are portrayed as straight and them falling for a guy is just special circumstances and they’re gay for just that one guy. And while I don’t personally have a major problem with it, I can’t deny it feels a bit of a cop-out. Does Zhanyi fall into that category? On some level, I guess, but it’s also too early to say. The boys are just figuring out who they are as individuals, so JY, for example, identifying as gay might be said out loud one day. Don’t think that will ever happen in ZZX’s case, though.

I also don’t think JY is trying to isolate ZZX from other people. Now that he’s more secure regarding ZZX’s feelings for himself and their relationship, he’s even included XH to their group.

Phew!

Was that all? I think that was at least the most of it, if not all. If you think I skipped something or would like me to elaborate on something, let me know!

As I warned you in the beginning, I ended up disagreeing with the majority of your interpretation. Hopefully, I wasn’t too harsh with my wording or ways of putting things. Even if our views were pretty much the opposite to each other, your thoughts prompted me to look at JY’s character and Zhanyi from a new perspective. And that’s always a good thing. Thank you again for that opportunity and for sharing your interpretations with us, dear anon-san!

#zhanyi #Jian Yi #Zhan zheng xi #19 days #answered ask

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smuttymess · 4 years

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bts astro soulmate reading | for julia

sign: libra sun | libra moon | sagittarius rising

partner: jung hoseok | soulmate: kim seokjin

This reading is for Julia (@jeonjeonggukenergy), a double Libra with a Seokjin bias but a weakness for JK. This is my first double astrology reading and was really fun to write, especially since it is rare of a chart to align so nicely with her someone’s bias! please enjoy love (:

Lovely Libra, queen of harmony, beauty and romance. Ruled by Venus, you love and appreciate the all of the finger things life has to offer. Excess is not in your vocabulary, as you can never have enough love, attention, praise, chocolate, or champagne. You live to love and receive love - it is simply your way of life.

Flirtation comes to you as easily as breathing, so it’s no wonder you have plenty of admirers vying for your attention when you are off on one of your many adventures. Never one to turn down an invitation to a good party, you are always game to step out in your best outfit and mix and mingle, taking your rightful place in the spotlight.

A particularly wild night out leads you to a secret members-only club. Immediately, you take notice of a man on the dance floor, his body moving under the atmospheric lights highlighting his undeniable, radiant energy. A friend tells you that its the Jung Hoseok, and immediately you’re intrigued - you are turned on and challenged by the idea of meeting a celebrity, someone who is so desired by others. It is not often that someone can match your ability to draw attention so naturally, and you meet eyes, moving closer to him to match his moves. Several hours and glasses of champagne later, you find yourself draped over him in the secluded booth, far away from the prying eyes of the rest of the club, igniting a months-long, hot and heavy, whirlwind romance.

What happens when a Libra and Aquarius - two fun, bold and adventurous air signs - get together? Sex. Sex everywhere. Hoseok turns you out, taking your intense, romantic, sexual nature and bridging it with his spontaneous spike. While you are more of the rose petals and silk sheets variety, Hoseok allows you to unlock a different, kinkier side of yourself. Initially, he loves your spoiled nature and you enjoy dom/sub play with him at the helm. He didn’t give you enough attention at the album release party? You will enjoy the company of another handsome stranger in a deliberate attempt to make him jealous, causing him to politely excuse you both from the party before whisking you away in his car, his hand moving in between your legs as he stares straight ahead into the dark road ahead. You’re a real fucking brat, you know that right? Couldn’t wait even two seconds without trying to find another cock to suck, hmm? I’m going to remind you who you belong to. You would never let someone talk to you this way, but the way his fingers move in and out of you, simultaneously working your clit until you cum harder than you have in your entire life, you’re essentially a slave to his touch.

A double Libra means double the romance, tenderness, affection, and care. You, my dear, are one needy bitch. There is nothing you enjoy more than being partnered with that special someone who can appreciate, worship and ravish you on a daily basis. This requires someone who can keep up with your moody, indecisive, entitled nature. This is not Jung Hoseok, an eccentric, unconventional soul who also needs the spotlight and does not enjoy being anywhere or with anything for too long - he is constantly on the move. You want to know him on a deep level, as few people do, and he just cannot reciprocate so much so soon. You come to find that, despite sharing an element, The sex keeps you two involved way longer than you should, but ultimately - after several fights ending in tears and potentially an article or clothing or two thrown out the window - you realize that this is not a perfect match.

What you desire most is a leader who can support you and treat you like a princess but also fuck you properly and cherish you with every fiber of their being. This is no small feat, but luckily you have Kim Seokjin, the Sagittarius man. He possesses a self-assuredness and a knightly persona which you find very sexy, alongside a positive outlook on life which you both share. In the early stages of dating, you find Jin’s goofiness different from the overtly sexy-serious men you tend to meet, and it sweeps you off your feet. You bond quickly, with him highly attracted to your charm but also that signature Libra spark. While he is more prone to be more decisive, sticking to a few core interests, he loves your curious and adventurous mind which is constantly seeking out new pleasures and hobbies and enjoys exploring them with you. Importantly, he is decisive, devoted and can anticipate your needs - all while remaining lighthearted and not-too-serious.

In dating Jin, you realize quickly that you need to curb some of your superficial and occasional tactlessness (courtesy of your Libra moon) as well as your strong jealous streak. Dating a highly successful idol with a naturally sociable nature and the face of a damn god comes with its challenges, and unlike Hoseok he will not rewards your temper tantrums with dick. When you lash out, he will infuriate you with his calm, joking demeanor. Oh baby, don’t worry about her. She’s been trying to get me for years. Sure, she has huge tits but you have the bigger heart! He may not always know when he has went too far with a joke, which can send you into emotional overload. After a petty argument, he is always able to remind you that he is yours. It is not at all unusual for him to do silly things to appease you, such as waking you up with breakfast in bed wearing a maid’s apron which he immediately whips off in a dramatic way to make you laugh. When he moves to crawl towards you, licking his lips and spreading your thighs wide open before burying his face deep into you, you can hardly ever remember why you were mad at him in the first place. He loves seeing you smile and indulging your princess tendencies, devouring you like a delicious meal before positioning himself between your legs and fucking you until you’re spewing I love you’s repeatedly into his ear.

Despising conflict and any disruption of harmony in your fantasy world, you often resort to people-pleasing in order to conceal your truth. You also can be overly-self indulgent to an extreme degree. When caught in a lie or a moment of weakness, you can easily turn on your charm to deflect. Seokjin does not have any of this, advocating for you to be your most authentic self with the people around you, often forcing it out of you. This is not to say that he wants to change you, only bringing your best self forward, because he knows how freeing it can be to live on your own terms instead of seeking adoration from outside. When dating someone so direct and unabashedly himself, you will feel inspired to do the same. While he can fall for your charms on occasion - few people can’t - you will not be able to bullshit him or be frivolous, which helps you mature. You, in turn, give him a sense of sensuality that sentimentality that only your Libra self can provide, softening his occasionally hard edges and revealing the more sensitive soul beneath. Ultimately, you two make a very balanced, optimistic, popular couple that is never short on friends and loved ones who wish to soak in your company at any opportunity. Together, you make a great team.

#bts #bangtan #bangtan astrology #seokjin #hoseok #bangtan smut #romance #fiction #horoscope #astrology readings #libra #virgo #sagittarius #bts fic

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drxcodormixns · 5 years

Text

The Ferris Wheel

☆–> pairing: Sirius Black x Reader

☆–> overview: amusement park au

☆–> word count: 1,157

Tip Jar

You tilt your head backward with a frown, not particularly enjoying the way the sun is beating down on your face. It’s hot - too hot to be at an amusement park, for sure, but you’re not going to pass up the opportunity to have a fun day with your friends. The rollercoasters, which you love, are a happy bonus.

Even so, the sheen of sweat on your face that refuses to budge no matter how many times you wipe it off is kind of ruining your mood. Sirius looks over at you with a smirk when you groan. “You okay there?”

You glare at him - kind of playfully, but kind of serious too. You’re not in the mood to banter. “What?”

“That’s the third time you’ve complained in the last minute.”

“I’m not complaining!”

“Maybe not with words.”

You huff and stalk away from him to the sound of his laughter, trying to find Lily and James in the crowd. A small part of your brain protests because, sadly, in order to get away from Sirius, you also had to move away from the only patch of shade available in the vicinity. After being out in the sun for just two minutes, the aforementioned sheen of sweat transforms into a veritable river.

Cursing, you blink to get rid of some sweat that’s dripped into your eyes. Where the fuck are Lily and James? you think, standing on your tiptoes to look over the crowd again. They said they were going to get some ice cream, and you practically salivated at the thought of some. Now, though, you realize that ‘ice cream’ was probably a ploy for them to sneak off and make out somewhere.

A hand hits your lower back and you start, looking over and grunting when you see Sirius. “Come to apologize?”

He grins. “No. Come on the water ride with me.”

This whole day, Sirius has singled you out like this to ask you to ride with him. James and Lily don’t have the best attitude towards rollercoasters, and - in Sirius’ own words - he ‘doesn’t want to go alone and you’re the only option’.

So sweet of him, right?

Even so, the water ride does sound good right now. You roll your eyes, acting like Sirius and the thought of going on the ride with him is annoying you, but you’re secretly shaking with anticipation. Being dunked in the cool, refreshing water is what you’re absolutely craving right now.

As you near the front of the line for the ride, you feel Sirius’ eyes on you. That, for some reason, leaves you burning up in a completely different way than you have been all day, and suddenly you’re glad that the heat is hiding your blush. Even so, you successfully ignore him - until he reaches out and grabs your hand.

Your palm immediately starts sweating. “What the hell?” you exclaim, trying to wrench it away but he holds on tighter.

“I don’t want us to get separated,” he says, but when you look over, he doesn’t make eye contact with you.

You scoff. “Yeah, ok. We can just go into the same line.” With that, you take your hand away - completely missing the way he frowns, just a little.

The park has finally cooled down as the sun is setting. There’s nothing much you can do about the stickiness of the sweat you accumulated during the day drying on your skin, so you ignore it and simply enjoy the comfortable breeze.

Lily and James never did show up with the ice cream, something you’ve guilt-tripped them about ever since they joined you and Sirius again, and in order to appease you they offered to treat you to a king-size cone. “If you insist,” you had said, fighting a smirk as you all made your way towards the stand nearby.

You’re practically devouring the cone now. Everyone’s staring at you and you’re very aware of the fact that you’re grinning like a madwoman, but you can’t really be bothered, as you’re intensely focused on the coolness of the ice cream hitting your tongue with every lick.

It’s almost sad to finish off the cone with one last bite. As you’re wiping off your fingers with a napkin, Sirius moves closer to you and you feel his gaze boring into the side of your head. “What?”

“You have a little something…” He vaguely gestures at your entire face, which doesn’t help you at all.

“Where?” you ask, lifting your napkin to your cheek.

He shakes his head and grabs your wrist, stopping you from touching your face. “I’ll get it.” He moves right up to you, leaving barely an inch of space between your bodies, and places his large hand gently on your cheek. As he uses his thumb to get whatever ice cream is left on the side of your lips, shivers run electrify your spine.

Your eyes widen slightly and your lips part, something he notices. He stares at your lips and you see some emotion flash in his eyes, so quickly that you can’t really be sure what it is… hunger? Frustration? You find yourself leaning closer, trying to get a better look.

They really are beautiful eyes. Why had you never noticed them before? Dark and deep, somehow both unreadable and expressive at the same time. They’re rimmed by lashes, so full and thick that you’re almost jealous, and by smile lines that you’ve never noticed in all your years of friendship. Granted, you’ve never been this close to him before.

You reach up, wanting to touch him, his stubble… that five-o’clock shadow that drives girls wild. You never thought you were one of those girls until now. And now, you’re so close… you never get the chance, though.

“Wow, look at the Ferris wheel!”

Lily’s exclamation wrenches the two of you back to reality, and your surroundings come rushing back to you. As much as it seemed like it, time doesn’t stop for anyone, and people are jostling the two of you as they try and make it to their destinations. How you hadn’t noticed is beyond you, and you’re rather embarrassed by the whole situation.

You take two deliberate steps back, trying to put some much-needed space between you and Sirius, but he follows you. “Sirius -”

He cuts you off before you can say anything. “Ride the Ferris wheel with me?”

You glance around, looking for Lily and James, but they’re conspicuously absent. “Am I your only option again?” you ask, grinning half-heartedly. It’s more like a grimace if you’re being honest with yourself.

Rather than mimicking your smile, his expression intensifies. If you didn’t know better you’d think he was angry. “You’ve always been my only option… you’re the only one for me.” With that, he takes your hand and moves towards the Ferris wheel, which is lighting up the night sky - and this time, you don’t pull away.

#harry potter #x reader #imagine #harry potter x reader #harry potter imagine #sirius black #sirius black x reader #sirius black imagine #fanfiction #harry potter fanfiction #sirius black fanfiction #fic rec #good read #read this

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firebirdsdaughter · 4 years

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Ngl lie, but it really rubs me the wrong way when people say that Horobi is a killer because he may or may not have a hand in Izu's death. Meanwhile, Aruto killed Jin twice and everybody still calls him a soft boy who can't do anything wrong. We get it show, humans are good and can do no bad and even when they do it's okay they'll get forgiven eventually because they were jealous or had a bad childhood or whatever. Just look at Gai and tell me this show isn't one big hypocrite mess.

I’m pretty sure those people see it as being Jin’s ‘fault’ both times, tbh.

Even though Aruto knew Izu was fine, had the fire power advantage, and had just established Jin didn’t know what was going on. But no, obviously, he had no other options./s

This, like… It’s not tragic to me, bc Izu could easily have gotten out of the way. We’ve seen her zip around faster than a car, cause sparks to appear when she slides. It doesn’t feel sad it just feels stupid. Why would she just stand there and let herself be shot? She could have moved even after he let go of the trigger. She wasn’t scared or anything like she’s been a few times before. That was clearly a conscious, deliberate choice. And I’m supposed to feel like it’s all Horobi’s fault? That’s why I feel like we do have to equate Jin’s death, bc him taking a hit for Horobi is essentially the same as Izu standing still and deliberately being hit. And then there’s the fact that Fuwa and Yua (I absolutely adore Fuwa, but he fucked up) absolutely escalated the situation when it should have made more sense for Yua at least to listen to Izu.

And Amatsu… You know, I haven’t seen him recently. He seems to have completely vanished from the series after… What was it, some episode in the thirties. Really quite odd.

But seriously, to me, they literally switched the 'cores’ of Horobi and Gai’s plots? Not that I want Horobi behaving like how this impost Amatsu is now, but, like… Horobi should be the one getting the sympathy for having the tragic past, should be the one whose working on something to stop Gai¡Ark instead of… This…

I’m sorry, I’m really worn out this week and I’m not sure if I’m articulating correctly, but yes, it is very frustrating how Horobi is being called a monster bc of a thing that could have been easily prevented (esp by the target herself), while, you know, Gai caused all of this and literally was knowingly responsible for Daybreak, has caused numerous deaths, tried to cause more, tried to kill people, all knowingly and deliberately, while Horobi was literally mind controlled and mind raped for twelve years. If you presented their basic plots to someone w/ no other context, I feel like they’d assume that Horobi would get the dramatic ‘reaching out’ and redemption arc, while Gai would be the one… Doing… Whatever this is supposed to be. Horobi is literally mentally and emotionally unstable right now, he’s been under intense mind control and had his emotions forcibly repressed his whole life, he literally doesn’t know how to handle them at all. It’s hard to see how him having a breakdown and lashing out and Izu grabbing the idiot ball and not moving, and then his mental state still not being addressed, being ‘worse’ than Gai knowingly doing all that shit? Like, I understand Aruto being in universe upset about Izu (though again, going Ark is just… Weird), but the attitude of the writing, in a way, and the reaction, at least amongst a number of the Western fandom… Sorry, but just bc HumaGear look human does not mean their minds work the same way. I’ve rambled about it before, but it’s literally the whole ‘don’t just suddenly approach a wounded animal’ thing. Like, Aruto going irrational after the incident makes some sense, but really there were a plethora of things other people could have done leading up to it that would have easily prevented the situation.

Just… Really sends an interesting message when you’ve got the guy literally responsible for everything getting away scot free and treated like one of the gang while one of his victims is painted as the ‘irredeemable bad guy’ for not being able to deal w/ the hell he was put through and lashing out bc of it. Like… In a way, Horobi’s behaviour is relatively/kinda realistic for someone (esp an AI)b that went through what he went through… But the reaction to it and the tone of the writing is very… Not Great. Like, I really think they should have made Aruto’s reaction much more unreasonable? Like, really leaned on him just assuming Horobi did it/maybe on him looking for an excuse bc Horobi continued defying his ideal of HumaGear as perfect angels who are blindly adoring of humans. Horobi def strikes me as the type who wouldn’t bother trying to defend himself bc he’d believe that a human would assume the worst about him no matter what, or that Aruto immediately assuming that he did it shatters any thought he might have had bc he figures Aruto was already set to assume the worst about him. Or something. This still feels like they’re trying to give the human an ‘out’ make him ‘not so bad.’ But Horobi didn’t go gunning for Izu or anything, in fact he tried to get away from her, and she kept pursuing him. He also didn’t fire on her right away until she kept pressing him. He didn’t plot to kill Izu, he didn’t stand there and be like ‘I’m gonna kill her to hurt Hiden’ or whatever, he was panicked and upset and terrified and he snapped. And she just stood there.

Anyone remember that time Yua almost killed Izu? Like. Deliberately, they were deliberately targeting Izu. Izu didn’t go seek them out, this was a deliberate act. And Izu was clearly frightened and confused and upset. Like she tried to run away. And honestly there her forgetting her speed makes some sense bc she didn’t want to leave Aruto and she was scared, yaddyada. But. Like. Yua was gonna do it. The only reason it didn’t happen was Gai said the wrong thing and Fuwa snapped out of it. But Yua was going to kill Izu. And she was going to do it bc she wasn’t in a great mental place and was in denial about her situation.

… Hey… Wait… Sounds a little familiar.

But here’s another thing. A human should be able to know better. Horobi literally can’t. The Ark has been his life for twelve years, her cruelty and her hatred. She trained him to respond w/ extremes and violence. Horobi literally cannot have the emotional reasoning and control of a human adult, he only just got them, and he’s been trained to reject them his whole life.

I’d love to think we’ll get something next week where someone points out to Aruto or just to people in general just what kind of state Horobi is in, but I doubt it. The intention seems to be to make him out as responsible for everything.

Meanwhile I now have the headache of the century (not bc of this Ask, I think it’s delayed from work), so I will leave this here.

#Anonymous #Asks #Firebird Salt #Spoilers #my brain is pain #skull aches #ow #suffering

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rebeltypedarc1-blog · 5 years

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Family

FAMILY WAS ALWAYS A COMPLICATED WORD FOR DUNCAN. the youngest of three brothers, it was obvious that duncan was definitely an unplanned child that probably wasn’t something either of his parents had expected, especially considering the near six year age between duncan and his elder brother, alexander, and the over eight year age between him and his eldest brother, edward. being the youngest with the age gaps being what they were, it often meant that duncan was the one left out, he was always too small, too weak, too young to be able to join in with whatever his brothers were doing, they often resulted in just IGNORING him and acting like he isn’t there the truehearts are a tough family to belong to, they’re a family of generational police officers, everyone in the family from grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, siblings and his parents are all police officers in some way, with a respect for ORDER AND CONTROL . duncan was one of the first in his family in a long time to really question why he should follow the family into the police force, wanting to form his own path and make his own decisions about his life, instead of doing something he felt forced to do. his way of trying to break free from the family’s mould of being a police officer was to REBEL and act out in hopes of finally getting some attention and being able to make his own path, even if that was something quite opposite from his family.

THE REBELLIOUS SIDE OF DUNCAN HAD ALWAYS BEEN THERE, just as he got older and bolder, the more extreme the rebellion. at first, his parents thought nothing of their youngest son getting into small fights at school, having a little bit of an issue of taking things that weren’t his, just thinking it was a phase that he would grow out of. stephen, his father, thought that duncan needed more order, enrolling him in the muskrat boys when he was seven, which he would eventually be kicked out of at age eleven, after he burnt down one of the tents in an ‘ accidental ’ smore experiment. another attempt to get more control and respect into his youngest son was his attempt to send duncan away to a youngster’s police academy summer camp, which of course did not go down well. duncan had insisted for ages that he did not want to go and if his dad forced him to go, he’d make him REGRET the decision. three days after dropping him off, his parents were back to pick him up, where a smug twelve year old clearly stated i told ya i didn’t wanna go. but as duncan reached his teen years, first came the dyed hair, the piercings and the tattoos, the more criminal his rebellion became, which resulted in many arrests and several stints in juvenile detention - CRIMES INCLUDED ARE : THEFT, VANDALISM, AUTO THEFT, JOYRIDING A POLICE CAR, ARSON, POSSESSION, RESISTING ARREST. however, his family ties to the police force probably is what allowed him shorter sentences, longer paroles and allowing him to do his parole through being an active cast member in total drama.

DUNCAN’S NEED TO REBEL AND CAUSE CHAOS DEFINITELY CAUSES RIFTS IN HIS FAMILY. he has an obvious rivalry with his older brother, alexander, who enjoys taunting and picking on duncan, with a bad habit of being flirty with any of duncan’s girfriends, including courtney. alexander would love nothing more than to be the one to arrest duncan for something he did wrong, especially since the last thing he did before going to juvie and appearing on total drama island, was hotwire alexander’s police cruiser, take it for a joyride and leave it somewhere to burn - stephen was the one who actually turned duncan over and made sure that he went to juvie. eliza, his mother, is always the first one to duncan’s defence from his brothers and father, however she is often DISAPPOINTED in the way her youngest son has chosen to go about his life, she was deprived of so many milestones because of his stints in juvie, including his high school graduation since he got his ged in juvie. as much as he is closest with his mom, often allowing himself to be softer with her, he doesn’t like that she also would have been happier if he had just followed the family into the police force. duncan is insistent in making his own path, no matter the consequences, no matter where he might end and how he gets there.

ALLOWING HIMSELF TO FALL IN LOVE WITH COURTNEY CALLAHAN COMES HOPE, a hope for everyone that duncan would be steered off the destructive path that he was already on and he would find his real purpose in life. his mom sees the softer side in her son growing stronger, becoming more obvious and it has a good benefit within the family. duncan is no longer picking fights after total drama island, he is taking care of himself, trying to make an effort to be a better man, to get off parole and be someone that courtney callahan would be PROUD of, especially after the disastrous thanksgiving dinner that he had attended at the callahans and the obvious disapproval of her parents. yes, they had their ups and downs, they were still teenagers and they were in an intense situation being involved in a reality show like total drama. after his win in total drama action and the growing stronger relationship of duncan and courtney, no one thinks anything would rip this apart. WRONG. one bad argument, one angry drunk message and the decision was made from courtney about the growing secret that she was still hiding - the start of a family of their own - of which duncan had no idea about. until he finds the paper trail of her abortion and things quickly blow up from there, causing a very gradual downward spiral for duncan. with the decision taking away from him about what to do about his own family, duncan feels at a loss of control, mourning a baby that he hadn’t known about, feeling like he isn’t GOOD ENOUGH to be a part of a family with courtney and things only get worse in their many attempts to patch things up and going back for world tour.

DUNCAN SHOULD NEVER HAVE PARTICIPATED IN TOTAL DRAMA WORLD TOUR, he wasn’t in the right head space after what had happened with courtney, he can’t handle the constant arguing between courtney and gwen, or all the bullshit that chris puts them through for the sake of entertainment. quitting may have been selfish, but it was the best decision for him and if he hadn’t been forced back into the competition after the london challenge, a lot of things could have been avoided. duncan’s actions in world tour were definitely not his proudest moments, instead he was the puppet for chris’ the puppet master who wanted more drama and felt like duncan owed him after what he had done when he quit. when he returned home and the show aired, the trueheart house becomes an extremely HOSTILE place. his mom completely ashamed and disappointed in the way he acted, causing a lot of arguments between duncan and his mom which never happened a lot, however did result in an emotional duncan telling his mom about courtney’s decision to abort their baby without ever telling him that she had been pregnant. duncan was lashing out again, deliberately provoking both alexander and stephen whenever he could. he also returns to old criminal habits but is a lot better at not getting caught than he used to be. no one thought it was a good idea for duncan to return for ALL STARS but no one seemed able to talk him out of it.

ALL STARS PUTS DUNCAN RIGHT WHERE HIS FAMILY HAD BEEN HOPING TO AVOID HIM GOING, prison. no longer able to go to juvie, he’s an adult, thrown into the big house with people who would definitely make duncan’s life a bigger hell than chris ever could. duncan hated his mom coming to see him, knowing that he had truly BROKEN HER HEART and with that came a lot of honesty that he should have told her about chris blackmailing with courtney’s secret, that he had been forced to start drama in world tour through ruining the one good thing in his life and it had caused the downward spiral that had landed him here. his brothers never came to see him in prison, but edward did often write and would pick up duncan’s calls when he called. courtney had come to see duncan at first to get closure, to finally be able to move past him and close that chapter on her life. however seeing how out of his depth he was, seeing through the facade and seeing the scared boy he was, they started keeping in regular contact, with visits, letters and phonecalls, it resulted in a lot of hard truths being told, a lot of promises and for duncan, hope that he might have the love of his life back. stephen only came to see duncan a few times at first, the first visitation that duncan was allowed in prison, duncan’s birthday, and a few days after eliza was killed on duty responding to a domestic abuse call. his intention had been to tell duncan what had happened to his mom, but seeing the state of his son, he had lost weight, was bruised and the bright green was gone from duncan’s hair, he decided against it. his new focus was to get duncan out of prison as quickly as he could. stephen started to come to visitation in replacement of eliza, wanting to repair his relationship with his youngest son because he knew it was what eliza would have wanted. but it was clear the lack of contact from his mom was having a bad effect on duncan. eliza was duncan’s weak spot, his mom had been the one to encourage his artistic and musical side, who encouraged him not to have to harden up completely. of course, the secret couldn’t be kept forever and when his mom hadn’t been there on his release date alongside courtney, he knew something terrible had happened.

LOSING HIS MOM HAD LEFT A GAP IN HIS LIFE, a hole that he would never be able to fill because no one could replace his mom. however, it did welcome a new beginning with the trueheart men, they had to be better than they were before and duncan needed his dad more than he had ever needed him before. stephen and courtney were definitely the ones most responsible for making sure duncan landed on his feet after coming out of prison and dealing with the death of his mom. stephen helped duncan get a job and they kept in contact, having a relationship that neither of them had expected but it was something they had both known eliza had wanted. with courtney, duncan was able to build a life again, they had taken their time, knowing they had to adjust to the way things were now, rebuild trust in a more real setting than just over the phone and it allowed them to build a stronger RELATIONSHIP than ever before. courtney openly encouraged duncan to keep improving relationships with everyone in his family and being the best verison of himself that he knew she was proud of.

WHEN THE TIME WAS RIGHT, they were able to start that family of their own - their eldest son, zachariah, and the twins, frederick and tristan. family was no longer a complicated word for him, family was a strong bond that he may have felt deprived of in his teen years but he takes responsibility for his actions that was involved in that. he is no way the perfect husband to courtney, but he is loyal and loving, constantly trying to surprise her in a way that he knows she will like, he is proud of everything she has accomplished and still as in love with her as he was when he first realised it. the proud father of his three children, a happy stay at home dad, ready to go to soccer games and dance recitals, helping make costumes and do homework whenever he can. zachariah may have a stronger bond with courtney, but duncan has always be there for zach, making sure to pass on lessons that his own parents taught him - especially the one is his mom always encouraged that being softer and loving is NOT a weakness. frederick is their little musician, having inherited both their musical talents and definitely has a flare for the dramatics like both his parents, duncan always insists that freddie is living up to his name sake freddie mercury . tristan was their little surprise, a wrong reading of the scan had prepared the parents for two boys when courtney had the twins, only to discover that they had a little girl and it was an instant connection between father and daughter, she was daddy’s little princess from the start and it was obvious who tristan takes after most.

THERE WAS DEFINITELY A LOT OF UP AND DOWNS FOR THE TRUEHEARTS, but duncan is no longer scared of family, feeling he finally belonged into the family he was born into and having found a family of his own with courtney. family is always difficult and there are still times when it’s hard, but if they can make it through all this, they can make it through anything.

one word for a drabble or headcanon // status : ALWAYS ACCEPTING // @atyped

#atyped #;; answered / but i also like a million dollars.#;; headcanons / of course courtney talks about me.#long post //#abortion //#baby loss //#death //

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jcmorgenstern · 5 years

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oh hell yes! do 9 for jonathan/simon (vampire kink! vampire kink! vampire kink!)?

9. Bloodplay. hooo boy well. that sure happened. in spades. @elektra-natchioss it finally happened.

Vague setup for plot: set in COLS, Simon goes in place of Clary because the Mark of Cain can blow anyone who messes with him to shit, Jace is out on an ~errand~ when Simon realizes he forgot to pack blood. Sebastian has an idea.

“No,” said Simon. “No, no, no—that’s Spanish for no, by the way—no, and no. Absolutely not. Categorically in no universe will that ever happen, and I say that taking into account the multiverse and string theory or whatever. Seriously, no freaking way.”

Clary’s weird demon brother sighed, kicking up his (unfairly) long legs onto the fancy glass coffee table. He wore his shoes indoors, which Simon’s upbringing in his mother’s and grandmother’s home could hardly begin to fathom. Still, the aforementioned shoes were also fancy and the pointed-toe kind that made his legs look even longer, especially in those slimming dress pants. Had Simon mentioned that was unfair? “Be my guest, starve yourself to death. I hear the last throes of death by blood starvation are the best—rattles, shakes, uncontrollable thirst for blood. Maybe you could even hold out until my angel brother returns and attack him like a wild animal. Would make a very good home video.”

He held up his phone, a slim black iPhone X, then put it down on the coffee table and relaxed back into the black leather couch with a distinctly superior air, bringing his glass of wine to his lips (Simon was starting to think he had a serious day-drinking problem). Simon stayed mutinously silent for a few moments, occasionally breaking his deliberate lack of eye contact to shoot a glare Sebastian’s way, then finally broke down when the silence—and Sebastian’s all-too-knowing gaze on his back—was too much.

“Fine, say I believe you and there’s really no blood donation places I can get blood at—which I really don’t, by the way. How can I know your blood won’t like…hurt me, or something? Maybe you just injected holy water, or something.” Simon wasn’t sure what the Mark of Cain’s policy on ingested poisons is—would he projectile shoot venom Sebastian’s way if he was poisoned? If so, he was definitely going to have to avoid that one. It sounded very traumatic. Unfortunately, the Mark didn’t really come with a user’s manual.

Sebastian looked bored, fingering the stem of his wine glass. Simon had to wonder if he’d been to the School For Really Pale Villains, or if it was a genuine affectation. “As I told you before, this is a very old, very Catholic district of Paris. The Jesuits slaughtered the vampires living here, destroying all but the lowest underbelly of vampire society. You won’t find any donated blood anywhere in the city, I’m afraid.” He took another slow, measured sip of wine. “As for my blood, you’ve already drank it. Surely a few sips more can’t hurt.”

“Yeah, and it tasted like shit. No offense,” Simon added quickly. Telling someone their blood tasted bad had to be rude, right? Especially when the bloodletting altercation in question…hadn’t exactly been pleasant. Still, it had tasted like battery acid, harsh and acrid, burning at Simon’s tongue. Definitely worse than the medication Simon had to take when he was eight, which up until that point he’d thought was the worst tasting thing in the world.

Sebastian lips turned down into a bemused smile, and before he even opened his mouth Simon knew he was being patronized. “You really don’t know? Blood only tastes like what it carries—hormones, vitamins, nutrients, toxins. Taking a bite out of someone in battle when the stress and aggression is high is going to be much different than biting in bed when…” His eyebrows raised, suggestively. “Well, you know.”

Simon did not, in fact, know this, mostly because he’d never fed on a live human (except that one time. and that other time. and okay it kind of happened a lot but always not his fault). Still, it made sense, even if the source was dubious. Moreover, he was curious how Sebastian knew so much about vampire feeding. Maybe he had a vampire friend. “Really?”

“Mmm hmm.” Sebastian was clearly enjoying telling him things he didn’t know, stretching out on the sofa like a very self-satisfied (and skinny) white cat sunbathing. “Come on, just a little sip. Maybe it’ll last you until Jace is back, and we can take the apartment anywhere your delicate little conscience wants to eat.”

He had a point. Surely a little sip couldn’t hurt when Simon had already chugged a fair bit of it, (never mind that was basically frat boy logic). Also, he was really freaking hungry. His stomach didn’t rumble anymore—which was good, because as a living human stomach Simon’s stomach tended to embarrass him by making loud noises at the most inopportune moments—but if it did, it would be rumbling now. Also, the mental image of throwing himself at Jace the second he opened the door was too humiliating to bear. Surely he’d make fun of Simon forever and a half.

“But what about Jace?” Simon asked. “Won’t he, like, start gushing blood too, what with the—” Simon bit down on the words creepy demon ritual bond and added, hurriedly, “Twinning thing.”

Sebastian gave a bored shrug. “He should feel a pinch when you bite, but not much more. We don’t share all our papercuts, you know. Just major injuries, or life-threatening ones. Besides, my blood replenishes faster than his does. He won’t notice a thing.”

“Fine. One sip.” Simon felt like he was giving in way too fast, but he’d always been bad at pretending to be above these things. Awkwardly, he took a stuttering step towards the couch, then faltered. Sebastian gave him a smug look and moved over so that the couch cushion he’d been on previously was free, patting it with a pale hand. Simon sat, trying not to let his apprehension show (and failing). He looked at Sebastian’s hand, trying his best to keep his fangs from snapping out at the sight of the tiny little veins pulsing in his wrist. “Um, should I—or—?”

Sebastian looked amused, pulling open his collar. Simon could feel the heat and smell of him rolling off him in waves, the fresh pulse of life just under the surface. Since when did he freaking talk that way, anyway? ‘Fresh pulse of life?’ Get a grip, Lewis. You’re not in Twilight erotica. Simon forced his thoughts away from Twilight erotica and back to Sebastian, who was now uncomfortably yet tantalizingly close. Simon could make out every single one of his extremely long, translucent lashes. His nose was weirdly sculpted, like he’d had plastic surgery. The thought of Clary’s weird demon brother having plastic surgery was too much and he snorted, just a little.

Sebastian looked annoyed. “Is there something funny?”

“Um, nothing,” Simon assured him, very quickly. “So, um, wrist or arm or…?”

“Don’t be silly.” The superior tone was back as quickly as Sebastian’s face had flashed its annoyance. “Blood fresh from the heart has more nutrients. Everyone knows that.” He moored his wine glass on the table and pulled back his collar, exposing the long, pale column of his neck. His voice was weirdly soft and his gaze unusually intense when he said, “This will sate you most.”

“Oh,” said Simon. Sate was definitely a normal word that normal people used in normal situations. “Right, yeah, um, totally not weird at all. Gotcha.” He rubbed his hands together, warming them up, then very very carefully put out a hand and laid it uncomfortably on Sebastian’s shoulder. It was warm, and deceptively thin, almost delicate. If he hadn’t seen Sebastian pick up Jace like he’d weighed nothing, he wouldn’t have thought him much stronger than himself—pre vampire glow-up.

Sebastian rolled his eyes and leaned in so that his pulse was just against Simon’s lips, so close Simon could feel his heartbeat against his mouth. It was a weird, electric feeling, and Simon found himself marveling at its slow, steady beat, like a metronome. (His own heart, for the record, was fluttering at breakneck speeds against his ribcage). His fangs slid out, a lot less painfully than usual, and Simon bit down, tentatively.

A sigh passed Sebastian’s lips and salty sweetness exploded into Simon’s mouth, like a kick to the face. He bit down, harder, savoring the blood rushing into his mouth. There was an edge to it that hadn’t been in Jace’s, like the strong sharpness of vodka, mixed with a strange undercurrent Simon couldn’t place, but it tasted good, nothing like the harsh metallic taste of before. He drank and drank, but it seemed no matter how much he got it still tasted so good, nothing like the microwaved bagged stuff he got at the Hunter’s Moon.

Dimly, he could feel Sebastian shift against him—without any urgency. Simon groaned internally, the way he did when he didn’t want to get out of bed. If Sebastian wanted him to stop, he’d stop, but he really didn’t want to.

A languid sound vibrated in his chest and belatedly Simon realized Sebastian had made it. Something between a sigh and a groan, a sound of–pleasure? Was he enjoying this? A curtain of fog lifted, Simon’s mind spinning out. He felt Sebastian’s hand bump his knee and—

“Holy shit are you—are you touching yourself?!” Simon could hear his own voice scale an octave as he jerked back, and hated it. So much for magical vampire ‘no voice cracks.’ “What the hell, dude?”

Sebastian smiled, in the least comforting display of human emotion known to man. His blood was trailing down his neck in dark, tantalizing rivulets, seeping into the crisp white of his dress shirt. No blood, not even arterial blood, was this dark. His gaze was waaay too intense and his voice shockingly husky when he said, “Please, daylighter. Don’t tell me no one has given you a full-course meal before.”

“Um,” said Simon. Apart from full-on admitting to Clary’s (weird) older brother that he was a virgin at 19 (awesome!) and hadn’t really done anything except one very unfortunate makeout session behind a shed when he was 15, he didn’t see any way out of his ignorance. Hadn’t Sebastian said something about physiology affecting how blood tastes? “No offense, dude, but usually when you’re like, eating a steak or whatever, you really hope it isn’t jacking it at the same time, you know?”

There was a ‘beating meat’ joke in there somewhere, but Simon didn’t trust his current presence of mind enough to find it.

Sebastian seemed unaffected by his protestations. “You’re not eating, you’re feeding—on a living, voluntary participant. A performance of two parts, if you will.” He leaned in, and Simon had to pull back at the smell of blood to keep from clamping onto his neck like a very handsome, dashing leech. He traced a finger down Simon’s chin, pulling back his fingertip with a droplet of his own blood. He sucked at the tip of his finger, and Simon’s stomach did a strange little flip he did not want to think about. “So if you don’t mind, you keep to performing your part, and I’ll perform mine.”

A large part of Simon’s brain was screaming to lick up the blood dribbling perilously close to Sebastian’s chest—when had his shirt come that far undone?—so he avoided that no-doubt perilous outcome and ducked in and bit down again, grabbing at Sebastian’s back for better purchase. Fresh blood welled in his mouth, the flavor more complex—notes of sweetness mixed with hints of bitterness. Simon did his best to ignore that Sebastian had hiked one leg up to the couch and was teasing his inner thigh with long fingers–probably good for piano playing, some remote part of him thought. His pulse had picked up, though still steady, beating out a slightly more staccato tempo, though his breath felt unsteady as it brushed hot against Simon’s cheek.

He really hoped Jace didn’t come back right then and find Simon with a mouthful of Sebastian’s blood, and Sebastian with his legs…like that. Simon was quite sure he’d die of embarrassment on the spot, Mark of Cain get fucked. He could just imagine Jace’s smirk right now. “My blood wasn’t enough for you, Lewis?” he’d say, probably flexing. “Really, I’m insulted. Also how come I didn’t get this treatment, too? Is there something you need to tell me about our relationship?”

Simon wasn’t at all sure what Clary saw in him, but he had also been pretty sure he wasn’t going to gorge himself on Sebastian’s blood, either, and that had been just about two minutes ago. Maybe Jace would grow on him. Some day. Even though he was technically dead, Simon wasn’t holding his breath.

Dimly, Simon could feel Sebastian shifting around him, and himself pressing into him. He could feel Sebastian’s heartbeat in his own chest, the sensation unnervingly familiar and unfamiliar at the same time, the rush of blood under his skin. Sebastian’s breath was coming fast and sharp, his pulse swift and sending sharp sparks of sweetness into his blood. Simon could feel that he was breathing hard with him, even if there was nowhere for the oxygen in his lungs to go, his whole body throbbing with the heady power of Sebastian’s blood. Far from sating him, the blood had awakened a deep hunger in him, like standing on the precipice hanging over a very long, dark drop.

Simon felt dizzy with it, chasing the sparks of sweetness, Sebastian’s soft sighs falling away into the addictive heat and richness of his blood. That undercurrent of bitterness was back, but instead of being gross it was incredible, a completeness and complexity that made his chest full and warm like a shot of vodka. (Raiding his mom’s liquor cabinet with Clary when they were kids had been a horrible idea). Greedily, Simon bit down harder and Sebastian groaned, his back arching—

Dazzling sweetness fizzled against his tongue, jolting him with an incredible rush. Sunlight sang in his veins, like the first time he’d felt the heat of sun’s touch on his skin after he thought he’d never see it again. Fireworks popped behind his eyelids as he gasped, wholly overwhelmed, against Sebastian’s neck. Sebastian’s taut spine went soft beneath him, his whole body pliable as clay, and Simon was unable to rid himself of the nagging thought that this was what jacking off furtively in the shower felt like, only like twenty times better.

Tentatively, Simon opened his eyes. Sebastian smiled up at him, looking very self-satisfied. He was slumped against the back of the couch, which Simon had pushed him up against. His eyes, normally inky-black and whippet-sharp, were looking soft, a bit hazy—probably with blood loss. Not for the first time, Simon was arrested by the the unnatural whiteness of his hair, like bleached bones. (Simon only knew what bleached bones looked like because he and Clary had once found one on the beach. They had both been very dissappointed to know it was not, in fact, a human bone, but a chicken’s).

Then his gaze turned to Sebastian’s neck and chest and Simon yelped, nearly jerking backwards off the couch; only his vampire reflexes caught him from what would have been a very ungainly and embarrassing demise. Sebastian’s chest was slicked and smeared with blood, all the way to his stomach, his shirt soaked through with spreading darkness. Simon’s own shirt—an Ironman shirt he’d gotten off TeeSpring—was wet and sticky with blood. “Eww,” Simon whispered, pulling the wet shirt away from his skin. It flopped back onto his chest when he let it go, wet and now cold. “Ewwwww.”

“Don’t worry, you’re hardly the world’s first messy eater.” Sebastian’s voice was a bit slurred, his movements slightly sluggish when he reached for his wine glass and drained it off in a single gulp. He smiled, the way one might smile at a particularly lush piece of cheesecake at the Cheesecake Factory. “Feeling better?”

“Um, yeah, thanks.” Simon muttered, a bit shamefaced. Had he gotten blood on the couch? Could you even get blood out of leather? He was quite sure that was a question shadowhunters asked themselves all the time. “Sorry if I, uh, got carried away, or whatever.”

Sebastian gave an abrupt little laugh, turning his gaze up towards the ceiling. “Believe me, I like carried away.”

Simon was silent a moment, trying to formulate the question in his mind. Hey dude, not in the weird way, but did you orgasm and did I…taste it? Again, not in the weird way. “How….how did you do that?”

Sebastian’s lips pulled down into a droll smile, his head lolling Simon’s way on the couch cushion. “My, it really was your first time, wasn’t it?” Before Simon could blush and trip over himself to stammer out a million words, he added, “Perhaps I’ve been a bit dishonest. I’ve frequented many bleeder dens and, ah, perfected the technique.”

Simon knew what bleeder dens were, even if he’d never been to one. Great way to get tetanus, Jace had told him. Also very gross, very Count Dracula. Wouldn’t recommend. He could imagine Sebastian fitting right in, though. So, like a vampire sex club? Clay had asked, and Isabelle had laughed. Exactly like that. “The technique?”

“Orgasm makes the blood incredibly sweet,” Sebastian explained, as if Simon were an idiot. He gave a pointed look downward. “Though I must say you seem to have enjoyed it more than most.”

Simon had the urge to yank off the Seelie ring, lest Clary somehow hear any part of this conversation. It occurred to him he should have done that ages ago, like maybe before the messy blood orgy for two started. How did those things even work, anyway? Yet another thing that didn’t come with an operator’s manual.(Simon was a very firm believer in reading the manual. Clary, by contrast, preferred to play board games without reading the rules).“Oh, um, that’s weird—”

“Don’t worry, I enjoyed it too.” Sebastian leaned in, pressing a paralyzingly light kiss to Simon’s cheek. His hand went automatically to the spot, even as his soul recoiled in horror. Clary had not actually stipulated don’t make out with my evil demon brother, but Simon was pretty sure that was on the unspoken list of friend rules. like maybe at the very top, highlighted in neon, and flashing with a few sirens going off.

He also really kind of wanted to make out with Clary’s evil demon brother. The thought made him despair.

“I’m going to take a shower,” Sebastian told him with a lingering look, standing up with impressive grace for someone who was currently wearing a whole lot of his own blood as a fashion statement. “I suggest you change your shirt, lest my brother return and think you’ve taken to cannibalism. Maybe rest an hour or so, and then I’ll be ready again.” To Simon’s raised eyebrows and wide eyes, he said, with a glimmer of a dark wink, “The femoral artery is a real treat, for both of us. You’ll love it, I promise.”

#bellamyblcke #crispy chat #my writing #simon/sebastian #crispy prompt fest 2019

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flowerfan2 · 6 years

Text

Louder Than Words

Stucky, T, A03, 1500 words Summary: Steve is sick, again...

Just a little pre-serum hurt/comfort to warm your heart (and give me a little break from writing my Cap BB story)... hope you enjoy.

**********

Steve twists and turns in his blanket, unable to get comfortable. The heat of the day has lessened, his Ma even donning a coat before she headed out for the night shift at the hospital, but Steve’s fever is threatening to return and his aches and pains don’t go away with the sun.

He’s been sick for well over a week - not as bad as it could be, but still no walk in the park. Steve knows he should feel lucky to avoided pneumonia this time, just burdened with a horrid chest cold and the always accompanying fever and sore throat. Today he was well enough to stumble to the bathroom and wash up a little, although even doing that left him weak as a kitten.

Bored, Steve stares at the ceiling as daylight fades. He knows being bored is a good sign – his Ma always says so – but it doesn’t do him much good when he’s so exhausted he can barely sit up, let alone hold a pencil.

He’s dozing off again when he feels a hand on his shoulder. It’s Bucky, looking tall and handsome as ever. He’s standing by Steve’s bedside, a bag slung over his shoulder. Steve hadn’t even noticed him come in.

Bucky’s saying something, but Steve just shakes his head and points to his ears. They’re so clogged he hasn’t been able to hear properly for days. Bucky frowns, then says something again – louder, this time – and Steve just shakes his head again and laughs. He still can’t make out the words, even when Bucky makes exaggerated motions and raises his eyebrows like a lunatic, but Bucky carries on with the show long after he understands, just to amuse Steve.

Finally Bucky stops acting like a goof and sets his bag down on the floor. While he’s rummaging through it Steve spares a moment to wonder just how god-awful he looks – and smells - despite his brief foray to the sink this afternoon. He knows it doesn’t seem to matter to Bucky, who has seen him in far worse shape, but it’s still hard not to feel like a dope in comparison to the strapping young man his best friend has become.

While Steve hasn’t changed much over the years, puberty seeming to have only vaguely tipped its hat in his direction, Bucky is the kind of fellow all the girls fawn over, with his quick smile, dark hair and twinkling blue eyes. While Bucky’s not thrilled with his job on the docks, he’s working hard in hopes of being able to enroll in college in another year or two. And in the meantime, Bucky’s body is filling out, lean muscle everywhere. Steve knows Bucky’s body almost as well as he knows his own, and he’s not complaining, but it’s tough on days like this when Steve’s own physical failings are so clearly on view.

Bucky sits down on the edge of Steve’s bed and holds up a book. “You sure?” He mouths at Steve, pointing at the book and then to his own ears, eyebrows raised in question.

Steve loves it when Bucky reads to him, but it’s not going to work today. He nods, and Bucky shrugs, tossing the book down on the floor. Bucky leans down and grabs a napkin wrapped package in his hands, then gets up and leaves the room.

Steve sags into his pillow and closes his eyes. He’s glad Bucky is here, so very glad. He’s not sure exactly when he saw him last, the fever doing odd things to his memory. Bucky often tries to time his visits to when his Ma’s going to be out – for privacy’s sake, when Steve’s healthy, and to keep an eye on him when he’s not. It’s not as if whatever they have is a complete secret from his Ma, she’s not an idiot. But it’s better that they don’t flaunt it, that they keep up the pretense as well as they can.

Bucky comes back a little while later and turns on the lamp, softly illuminating the room. Steve can see the steam rising from the mug in Bucky’s hand. Tea, probably, although his sense of smell is pretty wrecked, too.

He tries to sit up and struggles, his arms hardly able to brace himself, and then Bucky climbs into the bed with him. Bucky’s strong arm slides around his back and tugs him up, arranging them until Steve’s back is against Bucky’s chest, Steve practically sitting on Bucky’s lap, Bucky leaning up against the headboard.

With Bucky’s arms around him Steve wants to doze right back off, but now Bucky’s got the tea in his hand, and is holding it encouragingly close to Steve’s mouth. Steve reaches for it, Bucky not letting go as they both hold the warm mug, Bucky steadying it as Steve takes small sips.

The sweet tea soothes his painful throat, and Steve keeps at it until his arm starts to shake. Bucky sets the mug down on the bedside table and waits for Steve to relax, then reaches for something else.

It’s the napkin wrapped package Steve saw before. Bucky unwraps it and Steve smiles when he sees what’s inside – slices of Bucky’s Ma’s poppy seed cake. It’s Bucky’s favorite. The first time Bucky reluctantly handed over the last piece of the poppy seed cake to Steve instead of gobbling it down himself, Steve had started to realize just how much this boy meant to him. How much they meant to each other.

His eyes well up, remembering, as Bucky breaks off a tiny piece of the cake and holds it to his lips. Being sick makes him emotional. Steve swallows hard, and Bucky pauses, shifting them so he can see Steve’s face.

“You okay?” Bucky mouths, concerned. Steve nods and wipes at his eyes. Bucky says something else, but he can’t tell what he’s saying, he’s not great at reading lips even when it’s Bucky, and it makes his throat close up tighter.

Now Bucky’s got his arms around him, and Steve buries his face in Bucky’s shoulder. He’s trying to keep from crying, as it will only make it harder to breathe. Bucky rubs soothing circles on his back and pets his sweaty hair.

Steve manages to avoid breaking out into a coughing fit, but it’s a near thing. He can tell that Bucky is still talking to him - his face is up against the side of Steve’s head, and he can feel the air puffing against his neck. He’s probably singing at this point, Steve thinks, like he always does when he’s at a loss for words. Although he could be telling a story about his day at the docks, or berating Steve for not taking better care of himself… there’s no way to know, not when Steve is such a useless invalid.

“I’m sorry I’m like this,” Steve stutters out, the words thumping dully inside his own head. Bucky freezes, and Steve sinks deeper into his self-pity spiral. “You don’t have to do this, Buck. You don’t have to stay with me.”

He’s not sure if he means Bucky doesn’t have to stay with him right now, when he’s awful, or ever. It’s all blurred together for a moment, so many long days in bed, unable to go outside in the sun with Bucky where he belongs. Unable to be what Bucky deserves, in so many ways.

Bucky shifts them, still cradling Steve with one hand, while the other finds Steve’s cheek and turns it towards his face. “Don’t be stupid,” Bucky mouths, eyebrows drawn. “I’m not going anywhere.” Bucky finds one of Steve’s hands and holds it tight in his own, long lashes against his cheeks as he looks down.

For all his romance-novel good looks, Bucky’s not always great with words. But he brings Steve’s hand to his mouth and kisses his knuckles, one by one. He opens Steve’s hand, kissing his palm, gently, almost reverently. Then Bucky lifts his eyes and gazes intensely at Steve.

Steve practically melts at the look on Bucky’s face. He squeezes his eyes shut for a moment and then nods as he opens them, agreeing to what, he’s not quite sure. Bucky doesn’t let Steve look away until he’s satisfied with what he sees, then lies back, gathering Steve up against his body, Steve’s face tucked against his neck. Bucky’s still got Steve’s hand in his own, and he presses it up against his heart, palm open, fingers spreading across Bucky’s chest.

“Love you too,” Steve croaks out, and Bucky kisses his forehead, slow and deliberate, once, twice, three times, a few times more for good measure. When Bucky finishes kissing him he cuddles him closer, snuffling and mumbling into his hair. Steve wants to kick him, because he still can’t hear him. It doesn’t make much of a difference, though. Steve knows he’s a sap, especially when he isn’t feeling well, but Bucky has made his point. He lets himself accept it, rejoicing quietly in the warmth and safety of Bucky’s embrace. Whether he can hear the words or not, he’s surrounded by Bucky’s love, and that’s all that matters.

#stucky #stucky fic #bucky barnes #steve rogers #pre-serum #my fic

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thedeviljudges · 7 years

Note

Daddy Billy? Serious daddy Billy? Serious daddy Billy turning into a fluffy bear for his princess, Steve?

uhmm, so like i’m so sorry this took ages to get to, but!!! it’s finished, and this is a bit long. although, i really don’t think this is what you had in mind?? just know that i love this; i love this kinda stuff, and i should probably redo this prompt bc this wasn’t exactly what i was going for; it just kinda happened??/f jasldkf idk, but here ya go, babe.

The window to his studio overlooks the whole of New York, and Steve doesn’t miss the way the wind curls into the room like smoke, thick and heavy from air polluted by busy streets and the life of people.

There’s sirens in the distance and the honking of late cars – they’re always there in a place like this, too loud when he’d moved in, but a comfort that lets him know the world still spins. Steve might even hear the distant rattle of voices on a warm, breezy day if the flat wasn’t several stories above floor level.

Deeply, he breathes, inhales air and fresh paint. His fingers are stained blue and green, crust under his fingernails from the hours he’s spent in his studio trying to transfer the images from his head onto a canvas. Soft strums of music fill the room, too, mostly drowned out by city life, but the distinct violin and flute are pitch perfect alongside the orchestra he loves to listen it for concentration.

As Steve picks up a brush, he hums, dips it into the paint and smears it across the canvas in gentle strokes. Sometimes- and only sometimes, does he know what he’s painting. He likes his landscapes well enough, people, too, but often, he likes freehand, knows that it’s child’s play when he does it, as if he’d dipped his fingers into the paint and willed tacky into existence.

It’s still a form of release, though. It may not be anything special, but it cuts his anxiety right in two when he needs it the most.

“You’ve been in here all day?”

Steve jumps, watches helplessly as the brush slides across the canvas in an indecent stroke only to fall out of his hand onto the floor. “Fuck,” he says, climbs out of his chair, reaching for the brush. He delicately places it onto the table, the one that holds all his supplies, his brushes, his paints. He’s even got clay and watercolors, colored pencils and markers he’s still testing out because the texture runs different; the liquid is thinner, and Steve’s determined to understand the variety. “You could’ve made a noise, you asshole.”

“Forgive me for walking through my house.”

The tone is sharp, unexpected, and when Steve looks up, Billy’s leaning against the threshold of the door with a pinch in his brow and a curl to his lip. Steve’s not sure what’s caused it, thinks back to this morning when Billy smiled as he’d leaned over the edge of the bed to kiss Steve goodbye. Thinks maybe he could’ve left something out of place, then wonders if maybe something else has crawled up under Billy’s skin and settled there.

“Right,” he answers, not knowing what he could follow that up with. The tension is thick now, heavy and unsure, and Steve knows it’s one of those moods, the kind that isn’t deliberate because Billy’s only holding back his feelings like that’s the right thing to do.

Might have to coax it out of him, then.

Billy’s brow arches, pointed like he’s waiting for Steve to snap, and at that, he rolls his eyes, unimpressed. “You’re going to come sit down,” he starts, sees the way Billy’s eye twitches after being told what to do. “Sit. Down.” Then, he nods at the chair, turns and pulls open a few drawers until he’s sorting out a set of clean paint brushes.

When Steve turns around, he runs into a solid chest, Billy bracing his hips with the palms of his hands. He’s warm even through Steve’s clothes, a weight he’s missed all day. “Princess is getting a little too big for his britches,” Billy says, blue eyes amused as Steve attempts to wiggle free. He knows that Billy’s cornering him for a reason, for a fight, for maybe a good fuck to avoid the problem at hand, but if there’s anything Steve’s learned about Billy, it’s that his instincts to please win out every time.

“Daddy’s getting a little too serious,” he counters, tone like the edge of a knife. He smiles, makes sure Billy knows that he knows and that Steve’s only going to make him work for anything more than a deep kiss.

It takes a moment, but only that, for Billy to sigh, takes a step back, then another, until his hands are no longer on Steve. He almost looks disappointed, but Steve knows Billy’s insides burn brighter than any star, and if he can’t have his way now, he’ll certainly get it later.

Billy sits down, sort of plops into the seat with a huff like he can’t believe Steve’s making him do this. Really, Steve doesn’t have a clue what he’s intended, but he does have paints and stained hands, clean brushes and white canvases that take his mind off of the bullshit his brain conjures. Billy’s never one to join Steve on his quest, complains too much about the paint fumes and that there’s no point to this if I can’t draw jack, Steve.

Billy’s more of a reader anyway, the study a life of its own with the shelves extending from floor to ceiling. It’s how Billy usually relaxes when he needs it, if he’s not busy coaxing an orgasm out of Steve – which he very happily enjoys – but this time, Steve reaches for Billy’s palm, pries his fingers open and sets a single brush in his hand.

“I trust you know what to do with it.” Steve nudges Billy’s fingers, closing the hold around the wooden stem of the brush. Then, he glances at the canvas from underneath his lashes, back and forth until Billy’s frowning.

“You mean you’re not going to give me a lap dance? I sat down for nothing?”

Try as he might, Steve can’t contain his smirk, tilting his head like he’s talking to a child. “You haven’t earned that yet,” he says, cupping the underside of Billy’s jaw in a tender gesture of affection, only pulling away to grab the other chair he keeps in the corner of the room. “Show me what you got, pretty boy.”

“You using my lines on me is not doing you any favors,” Billy says, narrowing his eyes. He’s pretty good at reading Steve – they’re both good at reading each other now, but sometimes Steve still pulls one over his head, likes when Billy’s games slip from his control, right into Steve’s.

“Just paint, Billy.” And then he waits, stares at the other man until Billy’s grumbling under his breath. The brush rotates between his fingers, Steve watching as he attempts to find a comfortable grip before hovering over the paints like he’s scared to touch them, like he’s never seen them before.

“Weren’t you working on something?” he asks, let’s his arm fall down, elbow to his knee. He glances at the paining, half of it covered in paint, the other half white, and the one lone streak that wasn’t intentional. If Steve could give it one ounce of personification, it’d be the way it mocks him as it lies drying.

“Nothing’s as important as you,” he replies, turning his gaze away from the eye sore – though in actuality, the whole canvas is, but that’s neither here nor there – to continue staring at Billy, watches the way the corner of his lips drag into a frown, realizing that there’s no way around Steve’s stubbornness.

Billy blinks, still doesn’t look impressed and says, “You’re being a brat.”

Petulance is a word Steve would use to describe Billy sometimes, so used to snapping his fingers and people crawling on their knees for a moment of his time. His job – though more like his position – gives him that luxury, and Steve hates to admit that maybe he’d fallen for it too until he realized just how much he could bat his eyes and turn Billy into a puddle of putty. “Didn’t start it, babe.”

“I wasn’t-”

“You were,” Steve insists, gives a quick point to the project as if that explains it all. “So, now you’re going to paint me a picture.” It goes quiet then, the music in the background filling the room, the city outside rumbling as if it wasn’t listening to their conversation.

“You know I can’t paint, princess,” Billy attempts on more time, just one moment of reprieve. Steve doesn’t understand why it’s so difficult to follow simple instructions, but then again, he’s dealing with a man in a fortune five-hundred company who’s never rolled over for anyone in his life.

Except Steve, but even then, that’s not something Billy easily admits to. It isn’t out of weakness, per se, and Billy loves showing him off to all his friends. As if Steve found objection in the question the first time Billy offered because he hadn’t, but more to do with the fact that Billy and emotions have never gone hand in hand. Like pulling teeth, Steve’s been on the brink of frustration too many times, knows the reason, knows Billy’s past, but still doesn’t wholly understand.

So, out of playing stubborn, Steve shrugs. “Does that look like a masterpiece to you?” Failure has welcomed him too many times; Steve feels like maybe that’s the root of a much larger problem. The career he’d aspired for left no room for positive affirmations, not until he’d struggled for a few years and finally booked a gig big enough to have offers roll in, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t deal with his fair share of personal torment over whether all he’s good with his posing.

Steve likes his looks well enough, uses that to his advantage more often than he’d like to admit, but that alone isn’t fulfilling as the time spent in between painting and creating something much more than an image.

He frowns, holds disdain in his eyes because some of the colors have muddled together in a particularly ugly shade of brown. Not what he was going for, but it’s not like he can’t start again. That’d always been a lessoned learned.

“You know anything you do is good enough.” Billy’s eyes are on him now, intense and blue under the streams of sun that shine through the window.

It makes Steve suck in a breath, reminds him of all the reasons he loves Billy’s attention on him. “Not the point,” he croaks, definitely not disillusioned with the idea that Billy knows how he affects Steve. “But thank you anyway. You’re stalling; now get to it or-”

“Or what?” Billy says, the arch in his brow back.

Steve plucks the brush he’d been using off the table, dips it into a shade of blue – bright like the sky and similar to Billy’s eye color; he’d never admit it, but it’s why he bought it, felt like maybe the deep reds and shades of purple he loved the most could use the contrast even though it never really matched.

He’s sure there’s a metaphor somewhere in there, hates how he’s always slow in understanding what his subconscious already knows, but Steve only dabs the canvas in the corner, knows Billy’s looking at what he’s doing, only to surprise him by lifting the brush to slide it down the side of Billy’s cheek. “That’s my favorite color on you,” he says. “For future reference.”

Billy stills, gone rigid by the gesture. The flick of his tongue is what gives him away, that he’s not mad but agitated with really? Did you really?

“If you get paint on this suit-” he says, voice dropping low.

“You’ll what?” Steve taunts. “Spank me, daddy?” And just as he says it, like a slow motion shot of a film, paint drips off Steve’s brush and lands right on the lapel of Billy’s suit jacket. Bright blue paint on a deep brown suit don’t really go together, but Steve is reminded, if only briefly, why he loves color theory so much. “That was not planned.”

He shrinks away, wide-eyed as Billy dabs the paint off with a finger, slides it across the canvas in front of him because Steve doesn’t have a rag nearby, and there’s no sense in it anyway. There’s a dark spot on the suit, and it’s going to be a bitch to remove.

“Wasn’t it?” Billy rubs his thumb and forefinger together, that maybe if he does it long enough, the rest of the paint will wither away. Instead, it just leaves the tips tacky and stained like Steve’s.

“No,” Steve replies, dumps his brush into the dirty cup of water he keeps only in case he runs out of clean brushes. It hardly happens because Steve has enough sets that he can wash and dry a pair without waiting to use them. “You should’ve taken your clothes off before coming in here.”

Now the tables have turned, his argument weak across the tongue. Billy certainly picks up on that with, “Is that so?”

“You know what I meant.”

“Do I?”

“Billy,” Steve whines, flush gradually fluttering across his cheeks.

“Hmm. See, that’s not my name, baby. Not when you have to beg.”

“Who says I’m begging?” But he’s not confident in that question either, pointed out by Billy’s lazy smirk.

“Well, if you’re not,” he pauses, thumbing the bristles of the brush in his hand, “then I suppose you wouldn’t mind if I did this.” Billy then takes the paint brush and runs it straight down Steve’s forehead, between his wide brown eyes and stops just as he reaches the tip of his nose.

“That’s-” Steve falters, feels the cool breeze twice as much as the paint sits wet upon his skin.

“Not fair?” Billy’s brows raise, amusement hidden in the corner of his eyes, significantly lighter than when he’d entered the room. It’s a better look on him, as Steve takes him in, gently touching the tip of his nose, definitely checking that one line had been given to his painting and now another sits between his eyes. Billy must read his thoughts, pushes further by emphasizing his tone lighter and nowhere close to Steve’s. “Didn’t start it, babe.”

He makes a split second decisions - not even that, really - by dipping his fingers directly into the yellow paint, flicking them until little dots dance across Billy’s skin. “Then finish it.”

It happens within seconds. One moment Steve is propped up on the edge of his chair, perfectly pleasant in sharing his space with Billy upright, and the next he’s sprawled across the floor. His brush rolls across it, left to be found later, and his paints - including the canvas and the water - splash around them. It’s in this moment that Steve’s grateful Billy replaced the carpet with tile, but even then he winces until Billy’s got four fingers - all stained with paint - running down the curve of his neck.

“Gladly,” he say as he reaches forward, attaching his lips to the side of Steve’s neck that isn’t covered in paint. He nips, and he sucks until Steve’s wriggling from beneath him. His cock fills quickly, doesn’t take much when he’s around Billy anyway, and he lets him know by rutting against his thigh, soft little presses until Billy reaches for his hip to hold him still. “I’m thinking,” Billy says, slipping two fingers just past the waistband of Steve’s sweatpants. His cock jumps, the anticipation curling in his chest, but Billy moves no further. “That I probably shouldn’t let you cum.”

Steve swallows a noise of disappointment. This isn’t what he’d intended, had really hoped for more of a conversation of intent and resolution than Billy pinning him against the floor on the off-chance that maybe he’d get to come.

But now that he’s here, he’s shameless enough to admit his will power doesn’t proceed him. “Please, daddy,” he emphasizes this time, latching onto Billy’s tie to pull him down into another heated kiss. His tongue is rough against Billy’s, sliding past his teeth, tastes the cigarette smoke and mints, the cleanliness that lingers because Billy knows of nothing else.

Immediately, whatever tension was left lingering in Billy’s body, simply dissipates. Steve feels the extra weight of Billy on top of him as he relaxes, as he pushes Steve’s sweatpants down to expose his cock. Billy takes him in hand, rough at first with the callouses against his palm, but it’s a discomfort that makes him twitch, makes him grind up into the palm of Billy’s hand seeking more, seeking a release he knows will be quick.

Billy thumbs at the head of his cock, breaking away from Steve’s kiss to latch onto the underside of his jaw. Blurts of pre-cum swell at the tip as Billy slowly rubs it down the length of him.

Steve always gets embarrassingly wet, generally likes to use his slick to fuck his fist, and Billy knows this, too, because he’d watched Steve once, made him sit on the couch in broad daylight just so he could stroke himself to orgasm with only the touch of his hand. Billy’s blue, wanton eyes were the only thing he’d seen as he’d fallen over the edge.

So, this isn’t an exception, not when Billy takes him fully, strokes up in one swift movement and too slow - agonizingly slow - to calm the desire in Steve, to make him wet, to make it easier. He whines low in his throat while Billy smiles against the curve of his shoulder. The linger of a kiss remains as he pulls away, stares at Steve and tells him, “Fuck my fist, princess.”

There’s no hesitation from Steve, doesn’t crow over the tile against his back, hard underneath the tarp, and he doesn’t complain about how his pants restrict him from opening his legs wider, can’t use his feet as leverage to give a good thrust.

Instead, Steve’s movement’s are limited, sloppy and uncoordinated. Billy’s seated in desire, curled around Steve’s side as he tightens his fist, releasing it a moment later only to repeat the torture of not giving enough until Steve catches his wrist, holds him there.

The corner of Billy’s mouth twitches, reads Steve’s eyes as they beg, until he releases Billy in the hope he’ll listen. “You’re awfully haughty,” Billy whispers, though the thick of his voice gives away just how little control he has over it, how little he cares that Steve’s pushy when usually it’s the other way around. “Should let you take care of yourself.”

Shaking his head, Steve licks his lips, gives a particularly enthusiastic push of his hips before he tells Billy, “I’m too much of a sight to behold.”

With that, Billy squeezes around Steve’s cock, thumb curving just underneath the head until Steve’s hissing. Billy hums again, has a fond look on his face as he says, “You are, my darling. Watching you makes my day.” And then he’s shoving Steve’s shirt up, releasing his length for only a second to do it, sliding his hand down, down until he’s back stroking, quick sessions of his fist accumulating pre-cum, meeting the sharp thrusts Steve gives.

And then- then Billy’s lips are lower on his skin, as his shirt bunches up against the line of his collar. Billy gives a rough command, says, “Now cum or I won’t fuck you later,” then licks across the bud of Steve’s nipple, swirling his tongue until he gives a particularly hard bite that sends Steve’s head reeling, has his cock blurting thick strips of cum across his tummy, towards his chest.

He’s loud when the moan escapes, as Steve cries underneath Billy’s torture, feels his toes curl, limbs shaking. Billy presses kisses across the middle of his chest, laps at the cum that’s landed that far before taking Steve’s other nipple into his mouth despite the fact that he’s already cum. His hand is gentler now in his strokes across Steve’s cock, eases him through the after affects of release and only steps off when Steve whimpers, squirms away from sensitivity.

“You’re always so unfair,” Steve says after he few breaths, catches how easy it is to fill his lungs after the rise of his heartbeat.

Billy smiles, rests his chin on Steve’s chest lightly. The thick of his lashes make him look bashful, Steve staring down the bridge of his nose for a clear glimpse. He thinks, sometimes, how unfair it is, that all the small, pretty things about Billy always add up into one big picture of beauty, often made him wonder how he ended up here like this with a boyfriend who loved him good, fucked him good, too.

“If anything’s unfair,” Billy retorts, “it’s the fact that you got off, and I’ve yet-”

“Do you want me to-”

Billy’s quick to shake his head, places his cum-covered hand on Steve’s shoulder, which stops him from moving. “Told you I’d fuck you later. I meant that.”

“Like you also meant to snap at me?” Steve asks without a tone of regret. He slides his fingers across the back of Billy’s head, sinking them into his hair, rubbing his scalp with the blunt of his fingernails in light scratches. Steve looks away then, hates to be the bitch that ruins the mood, but he had intended for the issue to be addressed.

Besides, Steve might’ve been cookie-cutter perfect for a good chunk of his life, and that might’ve changed after years away from home, but the one thing that hasn’t left him is wanting to know the truth. No bullshit; no lies, Billy, he remembers telling him. You cheat, and we’re done.

It’s been years since that conversation, and they’ve never held each other to anything less. This is still no exception.

Billy sighs, turns his head so he’s ear is pressed against Steve instead. “Shitty day at work, that’s all,” he says, tired seeping through the vibrato. “Shouldn’t’ve snapped at you.”

There’s no reason to be mad, and Steve’s not, continues to sweep his hand through Billy’s curls, across the top of his head until he’s pulled away the tangles, and Billy’s eyes are fluttering closed.

“You do know I’m always down for a good, hard fuck if you ever need to let your frustrations out, Billy,” Steve eventually says when the silence stretches. “I’ve told you that, and I’d much prefer having my ass pounded than you angry and sniping at me.”

“Fuck, how’d I get so lucky.” Billy’s arm curls tight around Steve’s waist, warm and pliant. Steve can feel the rise and fall of his chest, maybe even feels Billy’s heart hammering away from another slight, like they’re all adding up until Steve finally penalizes him for it. He won’t; Steve will admit he’s stubborn, but he’s not scornful. Especially with Billy.

“You really did,” Steve says in agreement, lets the two of them rest there for what feels like ages, lets the music play and the paint dry and the wind breeze through the window until his back grows sore. “C’mon, babe.” He nudges Billy, almost would’ve guessed he fell asleep if it weren’t for him stirring underneath the shake of Steve’s palm. “Let’s get you into bed.”

Billy sits up, reluctantly, turning to help Steve with his pants, helps him stand. His suit is ruffled, has paint on it in random places. His hair’s a mess from Steve rucking through it, but he looks more than content, looks soft, at least, and much more like the person Steve likes to spend his time with.

Rough around the edges has always been, and will always be, Billy’s forte, but Steve enjoys this, too. Enjoys it when Billy sweeps him into his arms, presses their foreheads together, then kisses him softly. Enjoys it when Billy is sincere, when he tugs on Steve’s hand as he nudges a foot in the direction of their bedroom.

“I’ll buy you new paints,” he says absently as they walk down the hall. Steve regrets not cleaning anything, but the bed looks more than inviting, and more importantly, he knows Billy needs the sleep as he clings to Steve, hugs him from behind. Billy’s lips are delicate against his temple, hands caressing Steve’s hips.

“Good,” Steve says, finally urging Billy to untangle their limbs to sit down. Steve helps him off with his shoes, his socks, lets Billy remove the rest of his clothes until he’s in nothing but his boxers.

With his legs spread wide, Steve slots himself between Billy’s thighs, lays his hand on wide shoulders. “I’ll hold you to it.” And then he’s cupping Billy’s cheek with the palm of his hand, kissing him softly because once is never enough.

Soon, Steve’s balance fails him, the two of them falling into bed in the middle of the afternoon just because they have the time, just because they can, and just because Steve’s missed the way Billy curls around him when they’re together.

#x #harringrove #i hate when i fail so bad at prompts #like the intention was to go in a different direction but then characters take over #so this turned out differently than originally planned so :/

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