#sunk cost fallacied myself here

[heuldoch7b]

just when you think things are going so well

[smileyobrien]

oh hello there

[aihoshiino]

chapter 146 thoughts

This chapter (and thus this chapter review) contains discussion of abuse, suicidal ideation and CSA, so if you're not in the headspace for that, skip this one and I'll see you next time.

we are so oshi no back

After last chapter left me fighting for my life to come up with literally anything to say about it, this was one of those chapters where I ended up having more and more to say about it the more I turned it over in my head. It still feels a bit disjointed and has that same issue of ripping through the events of the movie way too fucking fast that the arc as a whole has been having lately but this chapter was such a breath of fresh air I can't bring myself to care.

The chapter itself is more or less split in two, with one half dedicated to 15 Year Lie's in-universe events and the other focusing a bit on Aqua and Kana for, tbh, the first time in way too long. Admittedly, my enthusiasm for 15YL has waned given the reveal of just how much of it is completely made up but like. I'm still gonna over analyze this stuff. Sunk cost fallacy, don't fail me now!!!!

I joke, but the 15YL section of this chapter was legitimately bone chilling. That barrage of cuts following Uehara's attack on Airi…. fuuuuuuuck, man.

Airi herself is pure fucking poison this chapter too and I mean it in the best way. I continue to be incredibly impressed with how OnK understands the motivations of a person like Airi what her abuse of Hikaru is really about. When discussing this in 141, Miyako points out just how often victims of abuse can themselves go on to perpetuate their own pain out of a need to try and regain their dignity, but I think what Airi seeks in her abuse of Hikaru is control. We see how often she wields her power over him while pretending that he has as much agency as she does in their """relationship""" and it's repeated here, too; she throws the results of her own sexual abuse of him in his face as a way of permanently chaining the two of them together, all while tearing down his worth as a person as if to 'prove' he deserves to be trapped in her grasp. I've said before that Akasaka is unsettlingly good at writing toxic mothers but I think Airi has made it pretty clear that Akasaka understands and is thus excellent at writing abuse and abusers in general, and for someone like me who counts that as one of their favourite Themes (tm) in fiction, I feel quite well fed.

The abuse Airi hurls at him is also interesting from a perspective of paralleling Hikaru even further with Ai. We saw snippets of this in 140, of Hikaru characterizing himself as someone desperately trying to construct a version of himself that can be loved by others the same way Ai creates 'Ai of B-Komachi', a version of herself who can give and receive love in the way she thinks her authentic self is unable to. Airi puts this into more explicit words; Hikaru must construct this fake version of himself because there is no 'real' him and thus, he is inherently unlovable. Jesus Christ.

Knowing those words were swimming around in his head, it makes the HKAI scene that follows even more of a gutpunch than it already is. It's the most wonderful kind of miscommunication tragedy - with their respective traumas, there is basically no other way a talk like that could have gone and yet it's agonizing to see it play out. Ai's innocent cruelty in the face of Hikaru's pain and her suffocating smile… the worst part is, while I completely understand why this was so shattering for Hikaru, it's impossible to miss that this was, in a way, an expression of love from Ai; it was honesty, an admission of vulnerability. She herself even says she doesn't want to lie to him. But to Hikaru, what else could that have sounded like but a confirmation of his most godawful fear?

that said. the timeline here is very confusing. this seems to imply hkai were still dating all the way up to the murder-suicide, which seemed to be just before the dome concert but did the breakup really seem that recent during their phone call?? this whole timeline is penised beyond repair.

The art in this chapter in general is incredibly good but something in particular I want to highlight is how much and how often Aqua-as-Hikaru looks like Ai in these panels. I can't put my finger on what it is, but that similarity always makes me feel so warm and sad whenever I see it. For as much as he struggles with his relationship to her, Aqua really is his mother's son through and through.

and. man. what even is there to say about that scene in the rain and everything that follows. I was't sure if the murder/suicide was going to be featured in the movie but even the brief snippet of it that we got and that barrage of scene titles and Kamiki's silent scream… whoof. shit like this makes me really hope we get to see mengo illustrate a horror manga someday because i think she would absolutely kill it.

We cut back to reality to see Aqua reading the script and in perhaps the most interesting swerve in this chapter, we see that he has once again reverted to his double black hoshigans. And uh, am I going to sound like a terrible person if I say I'm really glad for this? LOL.

Obviously I would rather Aqua not be experiencing Suicidal Ideation (Bass Boosted) 24/7, but it's kind of a relief to see that one single conversation wasn't enough to totally shake Aqua out of that headspace. I've talked a lot about how frustrating I find it that 'Ruby finds out Aqua is Gorou' is treated as the finale to her black hoshigan arc and every ongoing thread, internal and external, attached to it was dropped like a rock with no further interrogation. It robbed Ruby of the opportunity for some really important growth and, imo, was just shitty for Kana and Memcho who were treated extremely poorly by her and got no apology for it. I was really worried this would be the case for Aqua as well and that his own dip into that rancid headspace would end on a wet fart which would really sting given just how little insight we've gotten into him this arc. But this chapter makes it clear that while some cracks have started to form in his armor, he's not in the clear just yet.

i mean, even if he was permanently back to one white star, aqua is such a little freak regardless………………………….

What this means in the long term is a little hard to pin down, both because we've had so little insight into Aqua's headspace this arc and because the exact nature of black hoshigan as a symbol has always been a little Calvinballed, but in this context and for Aqua specifically, I think we can read this as his conviction in the messy endgame of his revenge play being shaken up. I, personally, have been reading the black hoshigan as of late as an expression of the sort of futureless despair that can become suicidal ideation, at least for Aqua; since immediately after Ai's death, we have gotten incredibly strong hints that Aqua is suicidal, his guilt-fueled desire to die and his desperate want to experience a happy future at war within him. He more or less explicitly says as such in 106, expressing that this break in their relationship is necessary for Ruby to be able to live on 'after he's gone' - which strongly implies that Aqua's revenge play is intended to end with his death.

Knowing that Ruby is Sarina wasn't quite enough to shake his conviction, but their talk in 143 was. I do think Ruby just giving him some straightforward affirmation was a good starting point but I also can't help but wonder, with the context that his white stars were not indicative of a permanent change, if hearing just how deeply Ruby still relies on 'Gorou's' presence in her life struck a nerve for him. Paraphrasing her from 143, she straight up says Gorou is the one who gives her life meaning. And if that's how it is, what exactly will happen if he's gone again..?

Obviously this is all still speculation because even when I am begging on hand and knee Akasaka is refusing to give us Aqua introspection but at this point I have to make a guess at SOMETHING if i am going to say anything remotely coherent about aqua in this arc, so

ANYWAY!! AQUA AND KANA HAVING A NORMAL ASS CONVERSATION FOR THE FIRST TIME IN GOD KNOWS HOW LONG!!! Ngl, it did give me a bit of a chuckle to see Kana voice the question of whether Aqua was getting too immersed in his role, given that people were accusing her of that back during the first round of the RBKN conflict.

I was also really surprised to see Aqua just outright say that yeah, he is at least flirting with suicidal ideation. Like - that's the first time he's said that out loud, to anybody??? In 143 he voices the less damning but still not great sentiment that he feels guilty for being alive but this is to my knowledge the first time Aqua has expressed his suicidal ideation out loud, let alone to anyone else. And… fuck, man! That's an absolutely terrifying thing to hear a friend say. No wonder Kana reacts like she does.

Because of my powers of Claire-voyance (read: basic pattern recognition and being in fandoms for 15+ years), I'm pretty sure people are going to be Very Mean to Kana about the way she chooses to respond to Aqua here but honestly? Not only did this tough love response feel very IC for her, but the clumsiness of it felt very honest to me. I think a lot of people in fandom lately just want characters to talk like fucking therapists all the time and have the Correct And Unproblematic Response to… well, situations like this. But Kana is an 18 year old girl who has her own share of issues and her friend she knows is dealing with his own huge amount of baggage just casually dropped an "i wanna kms" on her. All things considered, I think she handles it surprisingly well.

Because like… look at what Kana really says to Aqua here. She gives him some of their usual banter to diffuse the tension but then makes herself very clear: she does not want Aqua to hurt himself and makes him promise that he won't. It's clumsy and rough in the way Kana often is, but I think the important part - her sincere care for Aqua as her friend - really does shine through.

also cute that other people caught: Kana squishing Aqua's face seems to be an intentional callback to one of their on-stage interactions in Tokyo Blade, right down to Aqua making a identical scrunchyface to Kana. Extremely cute. I love it when Aqua is cute <3

Kana also being a person able to shake Aqua out of his black hoshigans also leans into something I've been hoping is going to pay off for a while now; the idea that Aqua's salvation is not going to come from any one, singular character but from the many different people who Aqua has built relationships with coming together when he needs them to support him. One of the things OnK has continually highlighted is the way isolation and lacking support systems warp and damage people's mental health and I think it would play excellently into that theme to have Aqua's support net, so to speak, to be wide enough to catch him no matter where he falls.

the product placement was very stupid but i did laugh pretty hard at it and then immediately go buy myself some potato chips so i guess it worked. genius mangaka aka akasaka.

All jokes aside, the note their talk ended off on was so lovely too. Aqua being honest enough to admit that being with Kana is fun and Kana getting all dokidoki and then quietly admitting she feels the same when she's alone… cute! But more than that, it highlights something about the AQKN dynamic I think is really important, regardless of whether their relationship is romantic, platonic, in laws, mlm/wlw hostility or whatever else; Kana is his friend and he can just be a normal boy and have normal fun with her without any ulterior motives. It's something Aqua doesn't really have in any of his other relationships so getting a reminder of that and what it means to Aqua was really good.

honestly i think i am just so starved of nice things happening to my son that seeing him opening up to one of his friends and admitting he has fun (HIS LAUGH!!!!!!) was like a shot of heavenly ambrosia for me. please can hoshino aqua have just one nice day.

OR UH… BASED ON THAT LAST PAGE…. PROBABLY NOT ANYTIME SOON….!!!

this is what i mean about this chapter giving me 5000000 things to talk about. kamiki is TALKING TO RUBY IN THE FLESH FOR THE FIRST TIME and i almost completely forgor.

why is he dressed like a dad about to take her out on a fishing trip, though

Ruby looks unusually solemn while she's praying, which is interesting. She's been pretty bright and high energy since 141ish so I'm curious what has her looking so comparatively dour. She's praying at a shrine, too, which means there's probably something on her mind. Nik (@akane-kurokawa) theorized that she's anxious about the upcoming scenes in the movie (LIKE, YOU KNOW, HER MOM'S DEATH) and until we get further insight on that, that's what I'm gonna assume too.

putting aside how Shrimptresting it is that Kamiki turned up out of nowhere like that, I can't help but note a certain horrible parallel between Uehara meeting young Hikaru in the rain with a black umbrella and Kamiki doing the same for his daughter…

cannot wait for that entire talk to get offscreened. lol.

break next week……………………………

[sadieshavingsex]

I think I've really started figuring out something about relationships and why mine seem to end so intensely. So this is just a little thought experiment, and, as always, I'm not an expert and I'm mostly writing this to talk to myself - take what resonates and leave the rest! So without further ado...

I think that these are some of the most basic ingredients a good relationship can have:

each partner having a baseline ACCEPTANCE of the other person and the ability to "let them do them" authentically

each partner being able to set BOUNDARIES that allow them to continue "doing them," as well as being able to tell the other "no" and stand up for themselves in order to keep those boundaries in place

each partner being COMFORTABLE with the concept that the relationship MAY NOT WORK OUT and truly being okay with stopping the relationship if it begins to go south

When these things start to get compromised, all hell breaks loose and you start the really vicious insecure attachment style cycles we've all come to know and love.

First of all, if someone starts to feel, for whatever reason, that this relationship "MUST WORK OUT," you are headed for disaster - this will create a scenario where at least one person in the relationship is more susceptible to letting go of their own boundaries if the other person asks. If there is any kind of question of the other partner not being able to accept them or their boundaries, the partner who feels things need to work out will simply let go of their boundaries for the sake of the relationship rather than stand up for themself or be able to walk away. Then you have a situation where boundaries are disintegrating and acceptance of the boundaryless partner is potentially starting to become conditional, so you've got the other two pillars of the safe relationship starting to fall.

Soon enough, you're in a very deep cycle. Putting aside your own boundaries for another person, no matter who they are, starts to breed resentment, and you start to feel unaccepting feelings toward the other person's behavior and probably feel that you're participating in an unequal power dynamic where they are making the rules of the relationship. Without your own boundaries, you likely start to impinge on your partner's - if you have to give up so much to be with them and earn their acceptance, they'd better be giving up the same! And then, the more that either of you give up, the more you probably start to subscribe to the sunk cost fallacy - you've changed so much for this person, so now you have to stay together even more, because this relationship would just be a total failure and violation otherwise.

FRIEND. Let me just say it right here from the start: if you stick to the three pillars above, you will probably be able to maintain a much healthier relationship with your partner and yourself!!! Because when you are not bending over backwards in ways that harm you, it's likely that you expect less of that from your partner as well. If you maintain the boundaries, it's probably easier to maintain your acceptance of each other, too. And if you keep your comfort with being alone, you're able to decide to leave in a respectable, peaceable way if the other relationship pillars start to fall in a way that makes you uncomfortable. I feel like these 3 pillars are the way to have a healthy, happy relationship with realistic expectations, that can still end really amicably if it needs to! But if you lose one the whole thing comes crashing down.

[theamityelf]

"I think I like the story better if I'm not Hajime," Izuru says late one night.

They're in bed. Makoto's bed. Makoto's dorm. His head is on Makoto's chest, and Makoto's hand is slightly tangled in his hair. "Hm?" Makoto hums.

"I think I feel better about the story if I'm not Hajime. It feels nicer if Hajime is the idiot who left you and I'm the one who came to replace him. The better one."

Makoto is silent for a while before he quietly says, "I think...not wanting to be Hajime makes you more like him than ever." He sounds as if his throat has tightened. "It was kind of his biggest problem."

"Maybe. But if I were Hajime, then you shouldn't be holding me. He doesn't deserve your affection, after he abandoned you."

"Please stop saying that."

Izuru smells salt and quickly sits up, brushing away the tears on Makoto's cheeks. But he can't help adding, "How could I want to be someone who hurt you this badly?"

"It's not your fault. What Hope's Peak did to you wasn't okay. It wasn't right. You didn't know it would be...the way it was. And no one was there for you when it happened."

Caressing Makoto's face with his palm, Izuru sighs, "It doesn't feel like anger at myself, when I say that you forgive him too easily."

"Well, I guess that part is good; I don't want you to be angry with yourself. Especially not over something that was done to you."

"It was done to him to make me. And I'm glad. I'm better than him."

"Can I ask you not to insult my boyfriend, please?" Makoto says firmly.

Izuru subsides, cuddling into his chest again. "I've been insensitive."

"No. You've just been...honest. About how you feel."

"And how do you feel?"

"That doesn't matter."

Izuru turns his head. "Repeat that."

"I just mean...We're talking about your identity. I'm not trying to ask you to be Hajime for my sake if you don't want to be."

"I'm asking how you feel."

Makoto is stroking his hair again, soothing him, as he sits on his answer for longer than he needs to. Finally, he whispers, "The story feels better if Hajime came back for me. But if loving you means loving a new person who isn't Hajime, I can do that. I do love you, I mean."

"As much as you loved him?"

"That's not...I don't see things like that. My heart doesn't measure things that way."

Izuru nearly argues that that can't be true, for if Makoto is dating him and not Togami, then he must have some manner by which his heart measures how much it feels for someone relative to someone else. But he doesn't say it. Makoto isn't lying to him, so one of them must be missing something. Either way, pursuing the matter now might hurt him again.

"I love you," Makoto continues, "and I love Hajime. And I love you for your differences as much as your similarities."

"Is that comfortable for you? Loving us both?"

"Love isn't always comfortable."

The truism, the non-specificity of it, suggests an unwillingness to engage the question on a personal level. "Do you think you will ever be ready to grieve him?"

"I don't think he's dead. He became you- a different person who I also love."

"Sunk cost fallacy."

"What does that mean?"

He contemplates not answering but finds that he has a perverse need for this point to be understood. "It means you wouldn't love me if you hadn't loved him. You feel you have to love me because you loved him."

"Why are you torturing yourself about this?"

"Because Hinata didn't deserve you when he had you and deserved you less when he left you." It feels better to use his surname, to eschew familiarity. "How could he leave you?"

The hand continues stroking his hair. "Hajime didn't do anything wrong. He was exploited by the school. And you never asked for any of this. I'm not mad at either of you, and I don't want you to be either."

Izuru relaxes, slowly. "Then the school is the one that made you cry." He considers that. It might be romantic to find some way to punish the ones who killed Hinata, for Makoto's sake. Though Izuru is still glad that Hinata is gone and he is here, maybe Makoto would feel a sense of closure if something befell the ones who caused it. Maybe...

Makoto's voice pulls him back from deep internal deliberations of the most romantic way to visit revenge on the murderers of the ex-boyfriend of one's boyfriend.

"We'll figure things out together, okay? I'm glad you spoke up about not wanting to be called Hajime. And even if Hajime...didn't come back for me..." (The tightness in his throat again.) "...you brought me whatever parts of him still exist."

The suggestion that he has provided something valuable causes Izuru to purr. Though the hair-stroking plays a role in that, too. "I don't always not want you to call me Hajime," he finds himself saying. "Sometimes I like it."

There is a slight change in Makoto's heart rate. "O-Okay. Then, just let me know when your preferences change."

He's gotten Makoto's hopes up, again. Which seems like a correct or at least fitting thing for an Ultimate Hope to do- as he told himself frequently, back when he was using Hinata's name to keep Makoto close -but he hopes it doesn't lead to more sadness.

Izuru isn't the same person as the talentless who Makoto used to love. But sometimes he feels enough like a product of him, an updated software to the buggy original program, that the name feels right for him. And sometimes the name remains wrong but the act of obfuscating this feels like a more apt, more satisfying solution to the problem of Hinata- a way to be everything to Makoto, everything he needs. And sometimes there's a degree of schadenfreude- an answer to his resentment of the one who made Makoto unhappy and still hoards some fraction of his love -to wearing his name around like a trophy. A spoil. The pelt of a slain creature.

But Makoto probably wouldn't think him capable of the third feeling. The second one might cross his mind, but first one, the one where he is Hajime just a little, will be the interpretation he most wants to default to.

Izuru listens to the way Makoto's breathing slows as he falls asleep, the hand in his hair gradually stilling. Hinata didn't sleep with Makoto like this. Didn't get to appreciate the soft sound of Makoto's breathing, the gentle thrum of his heartbeat under his face. According to Makoto, Hinata slept over very rarely, and Hinata was too awkward to cuddle.

This space where he rests his head, where he feels Makoto's heart as acutely as the touch of a hand, is his space. Only his.

"I love you," he whispers. And because Makoto is asleep, he allows himself to add, "More than he did."

Because he would never leave.

[threeletterslife]

Update

TL;DR: below the keep reading, vote on my update schedule

Hey everyone :) It's been a while—five months since I've last posted on this account and nearly a year since I've posted the 35th chapter of LOD

First and foremost, I want to apologize for being gone much longer than expected, and I will apologize again for being unable to offer more clarity about my absence, for now and in the future. Thank you to everyone who sent kind asks/messages checking up on me and to everyone who was invested enough in LOD to inquire about an update schedule. I felt a lot of guilt for not being active and for not delivering or meeting expectations, so just wanted to send out my sincerest apologies :')

I will attempt to answer the three most commonly asked questions I've gotten during my hiatus in this post:

Will you be continuing LOD?

Yes. As I've said time and time again, I will never abandon a story that I've invested so much of my time into. Call it sunk cost fallacy or delusion but I will finish LOD if it's the last thing I ever fucking do lol. Updates will be slow, however. But I promise you now that I will never actually leave. If I do suddenly disappear for years, that honestly means that I've died lol

When will you be posting a new chapter?

This depends on you guys. In all honesty, I have chapters 36 to 39 "ready" to publish. I am not in the position to write at this moment in time, so this would mean after I post chapter 39, there's no telling when the next update will be :( I have two options for you guys:

OPTION 1: I can post all of the chapters I have written in one go

Pro: You'll have access to all of the existing (and finished) LOD content, which is very well-deserved, so you can binge-read to your heart’s content

Con: You'll probably have to wait over half a year for chapters 40 and beyond

OPTION 2: I can post one chapter monthly/bi-monthly on a consistent schedule

Pro: I'll be able to buy some time (it'll take 4-7 months to post the remaining chapters) to write so that by the time I post chapter 39 (later this year or early next year), I'll most likely have chapters 40+ ready so you won't be as much in the dark about my future update schedule

Con: You'll only get one chapter every ~1.5 months. I also can't guarantee I'll have chapters 40 and beyond ready to go after I finally publish chapter 39 but I'd try my best

Are you alive? How are you doing? Are you okay?

I'm managing, though it's been a while since I've felt like I've been living. I've been in survival mode constantly for the past year, and it's quite draining. But the good news is that I'll be graduating next year with my degrees, so I expect I'll be freer then. I'm currently taking classes and working at my internship so I'm constantly inundated with projects and exams

I have been writing, though. That's one thing in my life that will never change. College has been hard on me, though it has also been such a privileged, fun, and rewarding experience. It helped me grow up or maybe even devolve in some ways. I've met some diabolical people around here, and have had not-so-great experiences that definitely forced me to become less trusting and stern. Sometimes I miss my old self, but I also know that I've grown into someone who can be more tolerant of the complete BS that is occasionally adulthood LMAO

Anyway, I'm extremely oversaturated with STEM everywhere I go, which given my majors, is a no-brainer. But I find great reprieve in art, especially art that I create to heal myself. So I've slowly come to realize that the content that I want to create—and the content that makes me happy to create—is not well-aligned with LOD. Over the past year, I've been working on small side projects, such as an original collection of short stories that I feel really at peace with. I've said it before and I'm saying it again, but LOD has always been my challenge piece. I don't dabble often in fantasy, and I wanted to give it a go; I'll finish what I've started. But I would also hate to reduce what LOD is to a simple word like "fantasy," though that was my excuse to avoid writing it for months. I actually think LOD's a lot more than that. In a way, it's a character study; it's not purely about the magic systems. In fact, I don't even think I put that much emphasis on the magic systems in the first place. It's more about the characters, and what the people have to go through during a war, which I've also realized becomes increasingly pertinent given the political climate right now

I'm getting into ramble-town territory, so I'll stop for now. I think with all that being said, I'm doing okay. I'm exhausted, but I'm also an incredibly privileged person, so I should be grateful for where I am in life right now and the people who have helped me rise to this level (you included!)

I'm excited to graduate, and I'm excited to write every single day once I start my full-time job. My life goal is to publish a book, though I don't think it'll be a novel—either a novella or a collection of short stories. Anyway, if you've come this far, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I will forever be grateful for this platform that I have and also be incredibly honored that people read what I put out here. I'll begin posting as soon as the poll is completed

Thank you for being patient with me, and I hope you stay happy and healthy <3

[woodsfae]

B5 s02e20 The Long, Twilight Struggle Table of Contents • previous episode

Wow, we're almost to the end of another season! It's been a really good one, despite my own rocky start with its beginning. It's been interesting how my perspective has shifted enough along the way that I had change of minds about my change of minds of some characters. In The Gathering I loved Garibaldi, then came to dislike him for his sexism, police brutality, abuse of position, stalking Talia, being a shit about his ex, and general cop-ness, but the writing really brought me around on him! Weirdly, I now believe he can and will be better.

Almost the same for Londo. I didn't really like him at all, came to like him a little, then was to be SO disappointed in him that now I'm just fascinated to see how far his moral depravity and Sunk Cost Fallacy-ing will go.

And on to the episode!

Their CGI planet is really lovely and colorful, and does look quite 3d! And it's Centauri Prime (presumably). Must be a Londo episode!

This guy is petting the throne. wtf Refa. Very blunt about the fetishization of power that's going on here.

Londo: "Lord Refa, I have come a long way, and I am tired. Is there a reason I have been summoned here, now?" Refa: "Indeed there is, I have good news. The war which began six months is about to end. Sooner than any of us could have hoped. And you, Londo Mollari, will be the architect of our victory."

ope, the Centauri are about to do some crazy war crimes, I see!

Finally, a sexy transparent glass silhouette showering scene! I've been waiting for this since the show started. Classy of them to make it be Sheridan.

Friendly Draal Planet!!! I hoped to see him again! How delightful! What a bad omen, though.

Delenn is becoming just…transcendently beautiful. The lighting and camera shots, her expressions and grace, are all just astonishing. I am glad she gets to see her friend again. Maybe some of the other serene characters will pop up for a reunion. I'd love to see the little telepath girl who went to Minbari, Janice the Healer, and Thomas Jinxo the Seeker of the Grail again, and I think they'd all get along well (or at least interestingly) together.

Draal, appearing before Sheridan fresh out of his shower: "I've been watching you for quite some time, Captain. And I thought it was time that I introduce myself. My name, is Draal. How do you do." *Minbari bow* Sheridan, damp and be-robed: "Uh, fine. I'm fine." Draal, who has no idea how to talk to humans: "Good. You don't have any idea who I am, do you?" Sheridan, who did his research on B5 tysvm: "Unless there's another Draal who can do what you just did, you're the Minbari who took custody of the planet we're orbiting." Draal: "Ah, Captain, you do not take custody of the planet, the planet takes custody of you!."

This made me laugh really hard. The planet really did take custody of Draal. Near-total isolation, but youth. idk if I'd go for that.

Details…details…lmao Draal.

The Narn…cannot catch a fucking break. Contact with an entire sector of colonies, lost. They're losing, although their official stance is that they're holding their own. I wish them and their counter attack well! One all-out strike with the majority of their forces is a hardcore strategy! They could lose everything.

G'Sten: "If we make them pay, for every inch of space, we can wear them down, prolonging the war beyond their capacity to fight it. Centauri want a quick victory: they don't have the stomach for prolonging the war."

He also says there will always be enough ships to defend their homeworld, but dang that still feels really risky. I am so excited to see a little of G'Kar's family. His uncle! And he's so kind, warm, and loving. The exact opposite of the way they were described by Delenn and the Centauri in season one. They both call the Narn cold, strange, impossible to empathize with. I hate to see anti Narn propaganda! They have risen highly in my estimation and I am rooting for them so hard.

The Centauri are going to bomb Narn from orbit with banned weapons and wipe out much of the entire population. To "save Centauri lives." War crimes, as I thought.

Everything depends on Londo. It's too late to back out. Bringing the pressure and the logical fallacies down on him! He bends, obviously, and is going to reach out to Morden for help carrying out the sick plan.

Londo: "All right. I will bring my assoociates into this, but this is that last time. We are Centauri. If we are to sieze our destiny, we must do it ourselves. After this, no more." What'shisface" "After this there will be no need! Thank you. Cheer up. By the time you return to Babylon 5 the war will be over, and the Narns will be at our feet. This time, we will keep them there."

Exactly. The Narns will not stop resisting, they will eventually gain their freedom again, and there will be another and another. You can't build an empire without horrifically violating sentients' rights, and those sentients are always going to resist.

Love Delenn's outfit today. I hope Draal won't be an ass about her hair.

Aw, so nice, Londo gets to go watch the Centauri genociding the Narns, live and in HD safe on a warship. How thoughtful. May he choke on the sight.

Dr Franklin is a real and good friend and a great anti-fascist comrade. Gathering deets from his Narn patients to give G'Kar as up-to-date as information as he can, as quick as he can.

Draal Planet light hearted B Plot, yay! And Delenn is now experimenting with swearing She used the f-word even! Frag me, she's so great.

Delenn: "Draal? We're here." Draal: "Did you think I hadn't noticed, my old friend? You've changed. I like it."

I'm glad he's not racist to her! That makes two Minbari who have on-screen supported her: Lennier, and now her old mentor. I'm so glad!

But onto the meat of the visit. Draal has been using the planet's resources to gather information, including Sheridan's history and all the plotting Sheridan's been doing. Convenient, and awesome! Powerful allies are badly needed right now. Draal has been studying the universe and the planet, and he's ready for action! And I"m ready to see that action!

"In the long, twilight struggle which lies ahead of us, there is a possibility of hope."

That's a great message, and good repetition of the same sentiment from earlier with G'Kar and G'Sten. I'm afraid G'Sten is going to die, but I hope he lives. The Narns have faced enough tragedy.

Shadow ships coming for G'Sten and his fleet, the evil shits! The CGI has definitely improved from last season to a degree, although it's extremely obvious with the shadow ships. but I love the effect! They are all cgi and thus fake-looking, which I think enhances how out of sync with the normal dimensional bounds they are. I'd be fucking unnerved if I saw something that fake looking in real life.

goodbye G'Sten. :/

There's people on the Draal Planet! Wow, they must be weird.

LOVE this for Delenn. She's needed friends really badly, too!

Zathras!! Is in league with Draal! Cool!! I didn't think we'd see the Space Werewolf again, but this should be fun! JMS's spreadsheets must have been wild.

Narn is in a BAD position. Centauri have Narn surrounded, there's massive destruction and death, and the Narn fleet has been neutralized. An impromptu re-enactment between Narn and Centauri on B5 is underway. Of course.

Narn looks mostly brown and orange from orbit. I wonder what it looked like before the Centauri ever arrived. Bombs underway, Londo watching on while looking sick. Hope he feels even sicker than he looks!

Ineffective response from Minbari and Earth, of course. An atrocity! They condemn it! Really hard! Finger wag! Don't do it again!

:(

G'Kar. What a horrible horrible place to be. Narn plans to surrender. I hope they can snatch victory from the jaws of defeat, but knowing this show, it will be even more grim for them and the universe by the end of the episode. Horrific.

G'Kar is reduced to asking Sheridan for political asylum. If they hand him over to the Centauri…! fuck! That's the kind of dystopian universe this is, too. I hope that won't happen, though.

Ugh. A speech by Londo. What an awful piece of propaganda.

Londo: "A little over five standard hours ago, the conflict which began with the Narn declaration of war, came to and end. The Narn regime has offered complete and unconditional surrender. The terms imposed by the Centauri Republic are as follows. One: the ruling body known as the Kha'ri will be disbanded, and its members subject will be subject to arrest and trial for the commission of war crimes against the Centauri." Sheridan: "Earth requests the right to send observers to these hearings." Londo: "That request is denied. Two: to prevent further acts of terror by the Narn against our people, the penalty for the murder of any Centauri by any Narn will be the execution of five hundred Narns. Including the Perpetrator's own family. Three: a provisional ruling council appointed by my government will take up the responsibility of re-building a more civilized Narn government, as a colony of the great Centauri Republic." Sheridan: "Is there anything else." Londo: "Yes. Just, one thing. Because the Narn homeworld is now a protectorate of the Centauri Republic, we reserve the right to determine who can speak for Narn. As a result, Ambassador G'Kar may no longer represent the Narn in any official capacity whatsoever. His appointment ambassador to Babylon 5 is hereby withdrawn. And as the only member of the Kha'ri still at large, Citizen G'Kar will return to Narn for trial."

"No," quoth Sheridan. Minbari supports Earth and Babylon 5 in this, although Delenn does call him Citizen G'Kar like Londo did. Fuck him, man. He's fully a bootlicker channeling his frustration at his guilt over all the war crimes against the non-Centauri. My least favorite fictional war criminal.

The framing and character work through this scene is WILD. G'Kar, sitting, slumped, not meeting anyone's eyes. Londo, speaking with clear enunciation, racist and imperialist language framed as the ethical, sensible decisions the Narn have forced them to make. G'Kar rising and speaking calmly before leaving when Londo loses his temper and demands, screaming, that G'Kar leave the council room.

G'Kar: "No dictator, no invader can hold an imprisoned population by force of arms forever. There is no greater power in the universe than the need for freedom. Against that power, governments and tyrants and armies cannot stand. The Centauri learned this lesson once. We will teach it to them again. Though it take a thousand years…we will be free."

The Narn will not go quietly.

Centauri is celebrating, they are dancing in the streets on homeworld. Or so the propaganda news broadcast goes.

Sheridan has a very nice speech for G'Kar and offer of support of all his personal assets that can be put towards that aim.

G'Kar: "The last time I took someone's hand we were at war twenty-four hours later." *takes Sheridan's offered hand anyway*

Mad lad.

And now Sheridan's off to a super-secret meeting! Delenn presiding. She has gathered him allies to pledge to Sheridan. Ah, Sinclair's project! <3 Sinclair, good work, buddy. Kosh is there, too! Somehow I doubt he is there to swear TO Sheridan. Along with, benevolently, to help the ants win against the anteater, maybe.

This is an episode of speeches! G'Kar's was terrible and great. Sheridan's falls a little flat. His line has been drawn on the other side of a fascist empire re-enslaving an entire people.

Well. I can only hope for some great and wild successes on the other side of the season finale!

The balance of affection between G'Kar and G'Sten, and Delenn's joyful reunification with Draal and the hope that and Sinclair's rangers inspired were all a much-needed balance against the Narns' current plight, but this was still so heavy and dark. It went there, it did that! Man, the forces of the Light are just fucking crippled without the Narn and their previous resources. All destroyed, and mostly dead, to feed the appetite of the Centauri Empire.

next!

[birdyverdie]

Pinned post time!!

Hi I'm Birdy!, I use Tumblr for funsies and I mostly reblog and leave little comments on the tags :)

Huge Bird Enjoyer, I actively invite people to send me pictures of birds for me to identify/to make me happy :D

I'm into very many different things but right now I'm very into:

Darkest Dungeon

Other current interests I may post about includes:

Jujutsu Kaisen (sunk cost fallacy)

SCP Foundation

Team Fortress 2

Hades (game)

Blasphemous

Flight Rising

I have a bunch of other old interests too, and stuff I still enjoy. It's too many to count ;;

Tags:

This bird speaks: anything written by me. Mostly personal thoughts.

This bird responds: my responses to asks

This bird draws: art tag

Laugh rule: my new "reblogged cuz I found this funny" my old one is extensive but had a very....13 year old fatalistic-eque tag name.

No context: anything that isn't related to any fandom interest.

This bird studies: I'm a college student so sometimes I ramble to myself in text posts about science stuff

(I'll probably think of more at some point.)

I'm an AI hater so I'll be posting any new art here Nightshaded + Glazed, but you can check out the clean version on my Pillowfort.

I write fics sometimes! Check me out on Ao3: Birdyverdie

I'm a chatty person so I don't mind random asks or DMs, beware though, you may get paragraphs in return!

Hope you have a good day :)

[anhed-nia]

I'm sorry about this post. It's really long and I don't know if I had a point to make! But I didn't realize I was maybe just torturing myself and others until I was neck deep in it, and now I feel obligated to post it due to sunk cost fallacy. Sorry again. I guess this is how you find out who your real friends are.

In the pursuit of my masochistic project of understanding the enduring Phantom of the Opera phenomenon, last night I spontaneously went to a rep screening of Joel Schumacher's Oscar-nominated 2004 adaptation. This was a singalong audience participation type of thing, which I would usually avoid at all costs especially for something I have no emotional investment in, but it was just too strange that it was randomly happening while I'm in the middle of this assignment, so I went! We all got fake roses and Phantom masks and rubber bracelets that say OPERA GHOST and little artificial candles to light up during the big chandelier scenes, and there was a singing contest before the movie started and I almost had a panic attack, but I managed to maintain my sense of humor. Apparently the climate control was totally broken and it was oppressively hot in the house, to the point that I wound up sitting there in a painted-on Uniqlo undershirt for most of the movie, and I couldn't bring myself to get dressed again for about half an hour after it was over. I walked down to the bar attached to the theater where the queen running their drag bingo night and the bartender were laughing about how they should leave the heat blasting because everyone was buying a lot more drinks. The bartender quizzed us drinkers about which theaters were we in and were they hot; I said "This is not an outdoor shirt!" and everyone laughed. I'm so glad I wasn't wearing a weird bra.

Anyway.

It would be too much to say I had high hopes for the Schumacher PHANTOM, but I had a certain amount of optimism about it; he seemed like a really good choice for this irredeemably kitschy product, but the truth is that the movie is completely neutered. It really needed some of that BATMAN FOREVER juice, but the whole thing just has no energy. Apparently Andrew Lloyd Webber had "complete creative control" and I think it really shows, it's very limp and undistinguished, and simultaneously pretentious and stupid. Sometimes things can be described as "lavish" because they are so exquisitely realized, and sometimes they are "lavish" on account of the fact that they are just extremely busy, even though no single detail rises to the surface as memorable or remarkable. Even the chandelier, which is as much a staple of this story as the mask, is just not that impressive. There it is, a big old chandelier, it's round and it's shiny and you know exactly what's going to happen to it.

Any comparison with the 1925 Lon Chaney version is inevitably unflattering; the costumes are bad, the staging is boring--I mean there is just no excuse for a big Hollywood production to NOT go ham on the masquerade ball, WTF?!--and of course, the Phantom himself is really uninspiring. The most important part of any Phantom iteration is the unmasking, and this movie has TWO (2) whole unmasking scenes and both of them suck! We all know that no Phantom design has been remotely as good as Chaney's nearly 100-year old version, but still, Joel Schumacher has worked on movies with some really freaky makeup effects, he should have given us something better than this. The whole thing just feels like they were trying as hard as possible not to surprise or offend anyone. I blame ALW.

I see this image and I hear wind whistling through their ears.

The problem with the unmasking sceneS here (besides the lack of visual impact) is that they both feel really unmotivated. Actually, this is almost ALWAYS a problem. It's the biggest moment in the story and you shouldn't be asking yourself WHY it is happening. Plus, the reason why it is happening lies with the heroine Christine, and if your main character's motivations for doing something so outrageous are unclear or uncompelling, then your whole story is in trouble. As a viewer you can tell yourself that she does it because she is overwhelmed by curiosity, or overpowered by a compassionate urge to see the Phantom as he is, or that she sees the unmasking as a way of defanging her captor...but you shouldn't have to tell yourself all that stuff. The movie should tell you. And who the fuck is Christine anyway, shouldn't we know? In other versions Christine is so devoted to her career that she readily sacrifices her love life and embraces the absurdity of a sort of spirit of opera communicating with her and guiding her path. Some versions dramatize the conflict between her monastic commitment to opera and her desire for real relationships. In the AWL version, Christine is chiefly devoted to getting attention. She falls in love, from minute to minute, with anyone who looks at her long enough. She's in love with her dead dad, so she's just frantically in search of a living boyfriend and she seems pretty indiscriminate about it. It's kind of gross and pathetic and it makes it really hard to care about her or the burning question of which boyfriend will she choose.

I've never said this before in my entire life, but Minnie Driver is the best thing in this movie--followed by the old queens who take over the theater, followed by all of the bit players, followed by, at the very bottom, the main cast. None of the leads are really inspired casting choices, but it's hard to blame them for their output because there is nothing they could possibly do with such empty roles. Who is Christine? The girl who has to pick a boyfriend. Who is Raoul? The guy who wants to be Christine's boyfriend. Who is the Phantom? The other guy who wants to be Christine's boyfriend. I mean there's this brief, grotesque excuse made for what the Phantom's problem is, but it comes far too late and explains too little. It just boils down to ye olde "not getting laid drives you nuts, so we should be afraid of ugly people." There are no personalities to be found here, and casting generically pretty actors of no distinction really hurt things in the characterization department.

Full disclosure though: I'm very faceblind. I have a lot of trouble identifying actors, and sometimes I can't even tell people apart within one movie. So, because I didn't look up very much about this production going in, I was sitting there for at least 90 solid minutes constantly thinking:

Is that Patrick Wilson? That's Patrick Wilson. It is, right? Patrick? Wilson? Yeah no it definitely is. Like for sure. Right? PaTRICK? WILson??? Pa.........Wi........

At a certain point after I finally accepted that it was probably him I just started laughing every time I saw him. But to be totally fair to ME, this presentation barely resembles a real live person:

And that hair is unacceptable. I'm sorry, Patrick Wilson. It's not your fault. I really liked the INSIDIOUS sequel you directed even though no one else did, so I'm sure we can be special friends.

The main effect of the Schumacher/ALW PHANTOM was...making me really aware of how much I like the Menahem Golan one with Robert Englund. Really! I thought I didn't like it. I know I saw it when I was young, when I had major league Freddy Kreuger fever (worse than now, somehow), so it would seem like if it didn't get its hooks in me then, it never would. But now that I have sat through...many Phantom iterations, I have become aware that it is genuinely one of the better attempts on the story. It has a lot of personality! It's trashy and juicy and a lot of fun. It even looks pretty good sometimes! I fondly remember specific costume details, which I cannot say about the big expensive ALW one. I'm not here to tell you that it's a great example of cinema or something, but it is vastly more entertaining than much of what's been done with this story by more reputable people. You'd think it would be hampered by the lack of a proper mask, but the gory unmasking scene is spectacular, AND it gets around the question of why Christine unmasks the Phantom which has not been answered satisfactorily by almost any movie. I was pining for the Englund edition for all 2.5 hours of this ALW debacle. I was even pining for Jill Schoelen as Christine! Not that I have a problem with Jill Schoelen, she's very charming. It's just that I hate POPCORN, which she stars in and which is itself a kind of Phantom adaptation. I'm not watching it again, though, no matter what. My agita.

[sapphire-weapon]

If your brain is craving the creative side of writing then it might be a good idea to take a step back and write a self indulgent one shot. Preferably one you don't publish (so there's no pressure with it) where you can just do the stuff you like the most. Personally, I find writing crack fics where the characters sarcastically complain about the dumb situations I (and capcom) put them in to be the most helpful.

Forcing yourself to write when your brain is begging for it to just be over and done with already is not good for you... or the fic. I understand that you want your craft to improve to a professional level. I understand that intense need to update a fic that people are waiting for and the days just keep slipping by...

But you are doing this for free.

Actually... it's not really free of you're paying for it in stress, anxiety, and guilt.

And you can always try to cut the chapter in half if that is a possibility. Ease the burden a bit by publishing the first half and then working on the second half later. Obviously I don't have a clue if this would work with this chapter but I figured I could still mention it at least.

<3

mostly the guilt comes from knowing my own habits and knowing that every day that goes by without me working on it is one day closer to me giving up all together. the longer i let it go, the likelier it is to get abandoned. and it's me @ myself going "you always do this."

i think i just hate the chapter. i think that's what's happening here. i think i have 15,000 words written that i feel obligated to stick to that don't actually work out well for the story. and i'm sunk cost fallacying it.

i did have that thought, though, to try to write something else and see if that works. maybe i'll try that.

[drbased]

Time for another major take-down

This is a Big One. I'm going to analyse I Am A Transwoman. I Am In The Closet. I Am Not Coming Out.

Part 1

Let's get into it. Firstly, the note at the start: I hate how it's become commonplace to write something online - a literal public space, accessible to anyone - and then when criticised immediately back-track and call it 'private' and 'a diary entry'. This applies to radfems on tumblr, or anyone tbh. If you want something to remain private, write it privately.

Correlation, meet causation.

Yeah, there's a reason the phrase 'correlation does not equal cause causation' exists. But this is the primary tool of human narrative-making and exactly why it is so easy for trans-identified people to discover past 'evidence' of their gender. Occam's razor is thrown out because the dull reality feels much less significant than the constructed narrative.

Ever the magical thinker, I tell myself that if I wish out loud one thousand times, I will wake up with long hair in cute pajamas with a different name — and maybe freckles.

One might consider it a minor nitpick, but here lies the primary issue: the gender essentialism that people internalise as children is not discarded as sexist nonsense, but instead the sunk-cost fallacy works its magic. Of course, the author might be using some flowery language to merely evoke the image of 'girl' in the reader's mind - but the mere fact that someone in this culture is able to communicate the exact concept of biological sex by referencing sexed roles/expectations shows just how ingrained these beliefs are in our society.

The next part, at eight years old, is especially sad. Causation and correlation definitely have a rocky relationship here. He describes getting on with mostly women. Something as basic as being friends with and admiring the females in his life is seen as 'proof' of his female identity. But of course, you're a transwoman in the closet. How many of these 'women' you like and admire, are actually women? You say you think divorced, tattooed, Catie's mum is cool - what if that person is actually a man? Or if that feels like a cheap argument, do you think that all these women especially like you, above all other 'boys' your age? Do you think they can tell?

When I ask to sleep over at my friends’ houses, I am told I am not allowed. Boys are not allowed. My friend Caitie’s mother argues about this on the phone with my mother. I realize my mother is not on my side.

No sarcasm here - I don't really get this bit. Did you mean to write that girls are not allowed? Because historically, parents are fine with boys having sleepovers together - it's typically cross-sex sleepovers that parents find an issue with, for all sorts of reasons. Not allowing sleepvers with other boys would be a concern of your mum specifically; nothing to do with gender. And speaking of your mum, your takeaway is that she's not on your side? What a strangely powerful conclusion to come to from one minor thing. Parents give their kids all sorts of weird and stupid rules. She might have her own reasons to not let you go to sleepovers - have you, say, asked her?

I love everything my sister loves, but I will not admit it. I know she and her friends will make fun of me. I know my parents will chastise me and correct me. I am learning the rules, and I am learning that boys liking girl things is a very high stakes issue. I am learning that adults react the same way to my interest in makeup as they do to my interest in matches and lighters.

Oh, you're learning the rules, are you? Did you ever want to un-learn them, maybe question them a bit, at least wonder for a second why the rules are that way? I once asked a trans person in DMs if they'd wondered why certain gendered expectations exist, and they responded 'to be honest, I hadn't really thought about it'. Remember, trans people are supposed to know more about gender than cis people. I've known trans people IRL to obsess over the details of their passing with zero questioning of the status quo. The fact that we're supposed to consider this rhetoric to be truly radical is telling.

As if maybe, by being what I am, I might burn down something very important to them. Something that makes their life more comfortable and easy.

The reason that following gender expectations makes life comfortable and easy for 'cis women' is exactly the same as it is for you: because it means that they don't have to feel angry at the world, that they can accept that everything they learned during childhood is natural and healthy and they don't have to hate their parents, peers and other adults for demanding certain things of them, and now as adults they retain certain 'perks' for conforming. You're only fractionally better because you're rejecting one set of expectations in favour of another - but in another way you're a whole lot worse because you're literally a member of the oppressor class wearing the costume of the oppressed class and thinking that makes you privy to their experiences. You're the one with a privilege so important to you that women's freedom and liberation would burn it down.

I am jealous of my sister’s clothing. One day, home alone after school, I sneak into her room and pull on her Tinkerbell Halloween costume. I slip the elastic straps over my shoulders, then the tights along my legs. It fits.

Ah, the classic. The charitable version of me acknowledges that many trans people have been perfectly willing to admit (especially pre 2016) that they're dysphoric over sex and will accept these surface-level associations purely to help them relieve dysphoria. And I understand that. But this man claimed at the start that correlation = causation, here. And you cannot tell me that everyone who has read this will be thinking as deeply as I am - many people are fully happy to admit that this has nothing to do with sex and entirely to do with gender i.e. gendered roles and expectations. To many people, that Tinkerbell costume is synonymous with 'female'. It makes you wonder why we decided to say that vaginas are female sex organs at all, if gender can be summed up with long hair and cute pyjamas.

[trinitycove]

When I was attending university just last Fall working towards a bachelor's degree and a diploma, I was miserable and stressed out of my mind. I remember every Fall I would have a breakdown and my Winter Break would be spent recovering my sanity instead of enjoying time with loved ones.

I had convinced myself that because I had put so many years into this degree I needed to continue to pursue it: this is Sunk Cost Fallacy. Last Fall was when I finally saw some clarity and decided to take a break from university and instead work. My goal was to figure out what I wanted to do for a career before returning to school.

By January, my bf's mom told me about a government program providing full scholarships for a few programs at a local private college and sent me the link. I applied and worked to manifest my acceptance. I was denied from the first program, a diploma in Digital Health Administration, but the school encouraged me to apply for a similar program beginning in May: a diploma in Digital Office Administration. This time I was accepted.

Here I am this Fall feeling almost no stress during my finals, feeling confident in where I am going, and feeling as if I can take on this career without hesitation. I have classmates who are so stressed out right now and they are working so hard I can't help but remind myself to recognize how far I have come. I didn't know school could be so enjoyable even when it is challenging (and I have loved school since I was a child.)

I feel free.

[chipped-chimera]

WIP WEDNESDAY - 12/07/23

AND IT'S ACTUALLY ON A WEDNESDAY! Thanks @theviridianbunny for the tag <3 I regret to inform you ... it's more hair again @.@ (this one is actually different, I swear)

More under the cut, as usual~

Soooo if you've been following me you probably know I've done a few things since my last WIP Wednesday, namely more tattoo stuff, and more recently ... more hair stuff.

After a LOT of agonising over it I finally consider the neck 'done' ... or done enough (vaguely ... thinking about doing something more in the transition between the tattoo and the jaw but I probably should stop honestly or I'll never stop). This means I probably have enough done to get away with taking screenshots while I work on the rest of it. Been pondering drawing up an actual plan for the rest beyond what I've been doing so far - mostly winging it and smashing things together. Might get stuff done faster, who knows.

Anyway I am back on my hair shit, yet again that's going just about ... as well as you'd expect ...

Okay okay, I'll be honest, this has been fixed but I gotta say after spending a whole 12 hrs staring at lines of code, changing entries and having to redo them several times because I'd fucked up some file name or changed my mind or found out 'no that is not where you should be putting that folder you absolute dingus' and this was the best I could do was kind of hilarious. 😂

The important part was I'd gotten it IN, which was a process and a half, considering THIS time I'm using a custom made 2048px hair texture (alpha is 4k) and a higher poly mesh - which means yeah, this is the same hair rebuilt from scratch.

After some additional fiddling ...

... and a very unamused Ven (I'm sorry hun) ...

I got it in. All of it. No missing textures, no hair cards in the hair cap slot. The physics look janky but it's somewhat intentional - this is a minimal effort rigging job based on the alt rig, the priority was to get this hair texture IN so I could see how it looked in game and how everything sat before I dug myself further into a sunk cost fallacy over this second version of the hair.

And I'm actually pretty happy with it? There is some curl distortion yeah but it's not as bad as it was last time - and considering I'd rigged that one PROPERLY is saying something. Higher poly + textures are making a big difference here. It's pretty obvious in the comparison -

Also yes I am aware this one is WAY too shiny, but that one is a considerably easy fix now I know how Vertex Paint actually affects this value. I was a bit too generous on the highlight gradient so I've already repainted what I have so far, using side-by-side references with existing game meshes to try and get it 'equal' but it's likely gonna be a lot of back and forth calibrating with that one.

Excessive shiny-ness aside I'm actually REALLY happy with how the side curl is sitting nice and neat in her jacket collar this time! Also man ... doesn't that look silky ... (ok maybe some shine is good lmao)

I guess that's kind of it on the mod front. I've got other projects in a very initial stage (it's fanfic. Ofc it's fanfic) but work on both the tattoo bodysuit + hair is eating up a lot of my daily spoon allowance so that one will happen when it happens I guess (and probably when at minimum, this goddamn hair is done).

Oh and this hair is using UUH4V. I GOT IT TO WORK. Which means I'll be able to use multiple rigs which will hopefully prevent these carefully crafted curls from getting minced beyond recognition, fingers crossed.

Anyways until next time!

(Uh, I tag anyone who read all of this. Yes you. sorry I don't know many people yet and I'm shyyy)

p.s. yes hair tutorial. soon. In the case you are similarly frustrated and desperate as I was and working on hair please note I AM VERY OPEN TO TELLING YOU ALL THE INFO just ask me. Cause tutorial might take time unfortunately. But it's in the works.

[castlebyersafterdark]

i think youre right about the bi/gay debate (sorry to bring it to you... im not bringing it in a Im New Here way, but rather an I've been here a while and youre someone i feel safe asking about this, sort of like sitting down at a kindly hot gay wizard's knee and asking for wisdom way hehe.)

HOLY HECK i did not even see the slideshow length, 300?! i know we celebrate the boys here, but when youre compiling like that it starts to feel like compensating for something. and you're right - so far (im about halfway through) ive been asking myself things like 'but why does that make mike bi?' on every other slide. theyre detailing the plot of s4 from mike's pov; things that all bylers agree on, gay and bi truther alike. none of it so far is evidence for bi mike. at one point they say 'theyre not compatible in a romantic relationship, but mike likes kissing her as we can see here...' and this is what has me respectfully yelling HOW CAN WE SEE THIS PLEASE because so much of these discourses is about opinion and subjective interpretation. im about to sound like a nerd: it really makes me miss school. and uni. and debate club. and seminars. with actual discussion and evidence. hell, i even miss english class and writing essays. make a point. provide evidence. follow up with explanation. the teachers actually called it P.E.E.

PEE. amazing.

but youre right, because its ok for everyone to have their interpretations, especially as the show is unfinished! maybe im just endlessly confused by people's need to justify and be right. what is gained? i think i expected too much from the fandom lol, i expected academia. i feel like i get that open-mindedness from some places though, and from you (plus many other treats heh heh). i think i would love to have had you in my uni classes, vinny! youre so interesting and kind.

and im endlessly interested in the sexual attraction vs. love thing, because ive definitely seen people say that sexual attraction isnt needed. aromantic gay folk, etc... i must be honest and say it gets beyond my understanding and i cant form an opinion on that

footnote 1: im gonna finish the slideshow because today i was reading about the Sunk Cost Fallacy and want to be masochistic (only 150 slides left! its ok though, the vast majority are screenshots of the show itself that illustrate... nothing lol)

Hope you two anons don't mind a little three-way action combining this conversation 🤭 just so my blog isn't dominated by this topic with redundant points! I totally don't mind the topic if it's open and friendly and analytical rather than fighty. All good here. Under a cut since this is long and if people want to skip this topic:

"sitting down at a kindly hot gay wizard's knee and asking for wisdom" - Firstly, love that, obsessed with you. And YEAH the number of slides made me irl do that slow blink meme gif, we know the one. I wasn't very compelled. Am I too staunch and biased? It's not that "oh this character must be gay because I'm gay and like Byler" - no? A lot of people like Byler and aren't gay at all. I've been in fandom culture a long time and don't need to project. I just see what I see. I've shipped many things where I knew the characters weren't queer but I liked the idea. This is the first time in a long time that I feel the shipping and analysis collide and can actually be one in the same, a fandom rarity in my opinion and taste in media.

Anyway. A lot of the points for bi Mike overall from many sources of discussion never strike me as evidence he's bi. They could so often go both ways (HA SORRY) to bi vs gay points. And then the gay points tip the scales. So much of the argument is subjective, for sure. But there is coding and hints and arcs that lend solid evidence. His LACK of attraction to women just feels so clear to me when we have soooo much of that with the other male characters? He just acts differently, abrasive to certain concepts. And his relationship with El is a mess. I will feel so odd if we've all analyzed that wrong. All the points about Mike's weird expressions, his awkward physicality with her as opposed to Will, never really seeming all too enthused. It's almost looks like panic sometimes. A lot of what he says that's read as romantic feels like a performance for other people around - MIKE is the one overcompensating here, truly. His defeated facial expression before he says he loved El in the monologue is such a giveaway to me. He's about to lie for his life and hers.

This is what I mean by life and death. Guilt over his new friend dying for them season 1. Anger at Hopper hiding her while he missed her and felt guilt over what happened. Season three conformity and puberty confusion arc, getting mixed up from growing up and trying to be normal. The excitement that yes, I can be normal, this girl likes me. Changing his personality to fit, and overcompensating for not knowing the difference between platonic and romantic feelings for this girl - he struggled with the platonic because he feels he can't have that so his relationship is messy and too physical, not emotional. His mind and body and heart are all at odds. He and El aren't really friends because they haven't had the time or allowed their relationship to be anything but this need to have it be romantic - El's issue, too, with not really engaging with society in a meaningful way. Rambling now. But it's not hard to see if we're paying attention. Haven't even touched on anything to do with his behavior in regards to men or Will - this is already too long.

I think a lot of people will continue to ship what they want regardless of the outcome and honestly - that's fine? What if the worst happens and Mike ends up with El? I will still be a hardcore Byler fanboy until Stranger Things is not a fandom I'm interested in engaging with. I don't really care. I'll forge my own reality through fanfic. I believe those who still want to engage with Mlvn will do so. I can understand why people choose to see Mike as bi. His sexuality isn't canon yet (as opposed to Robin and Will). It's what they're into and HC since we do not know 100%. I'm not so blinded and delusional to not admit that.

Creativity and analysis overall - to anon #1's point. Yes!!! Glad to be enrolled with you at Stranger Things university. I got my little notebook out, overly caffeinated but I'm there for class. I'm the annoying guy interjecting. But I feel like you'd be sitting next to me in lecture backing me up.

and im endlessly interested in the sexual attraction vs. love thing, because ive definitely seen people say that sexual attraction isnt needed. aromantic gay folk, etc… i must be honest and say it gets beyond my understanding and i cant form an opinion on that

I find it fascinating, too! Which is why I try to learn more and more and always try to consider different viewpoints. It's a broken record, but these orientations are totally valid and props to anyone finding what works, figuring themselves out. I don't think everyone is ever going to completely understand every aspect of human sexuality. I don't. I'm always learning. I'm gay and both a hopeless romantic and a guy with a high sex drive so maybe certain realities and lifestyles I don't fully understand the intricacies of - but that's ok. We don't have to walk an authentic mile in each other's shoes, but we do need to respect each other and leave room on the path!! 😁

And a secret 3rd anon appears!! You said please don't post so I won't. But thank you for filling me in on fandom lore. I didn't know all that!!! Yikes babes. I don't like those vibes!!! 🙃 But, that is not my energy, we're all chill and into fun and discussion here. We don't personally have to give weight to every character interpretation but we also don't have to get at each other and blatantly fight. I'm just vibing 😌❤️

[amandaoftherosemire]

Second Sight -- Part Eighteen

Fandom: Marvel Avengers AU/MCU AU

Pairing: Loki Odinson X fem!Reader

Characters: Loki Odinson

Author: @amandaoftherosemire

Rating: Mature

Word Count: 5,718

Format: Series WIP

Warnings: Language, gambling

Summary: Loki takes you on a long overdue honeymoon on a pleasure planet. You can’t take your eyes off the spectacle while Loki can’t take his eyes off you. Neither of you notice the eyes on you both.

A/N: Since I started this fic years ago, I am going to be rebuilding my taglist with this chapter. If anyone would like to be tagged in future updates, or if you’re tagged in this and want to continue to be, please drop me an ask or a message to let me know. If you don’t want to be tagged, don’t do anything. I’m trying to get a gauge of who, if anyone, is still reading this. I haven’t got any feedback in a while, and the notes on this would offend me if I allowed myself to be offended by numbers, and I’m not sure updating this fic is the best use of my time if no one is reading it.

To be fair, I get it. I’m not even mad. 😉 Loki is doing fun stuff in the series and people are reading those fics, not novel length fics from the Infinity Saga. I don’t intend this to be a guilt trip as much as an attempt to gather information. I have multiple projects in progress (thank you, ADHD), including some original fiction, and as much as I hate to leave a fic unfinished, I also recognize the possibility I’m in the middle of a sunk cost fallacy. Know when to fold ‘em, and all that. Thanks!

<<Part Seventeen here

Second Sight Part Eighteen

Once through the doors and under a short entryway, the room opened into a spectacle that made the lights of the Vegas Strip look understated by comparison. The walls curved away from you to both your left and right, the room an enormous circle made up of multiple tiers. At your feet, a sea of creamy gold-veined stone under a high, high domed ceiling. You stood stunned for a moment, overwhelmed by the size and splendor of everything around you.

You kept your hand tight around Loki’s arm as he escorted you to the middle of the room, the stone stepping gently into a sunken center beneath the soaring ceiling. The top of the dome was three stories above you, where a bright golden light served as the main source of illumination. The golden globe was one of two hung in the sky of an elaborate sea scape mural covering the zenith of the dome.

The other globe was the tumultuous center of a whirling display. Upon closer inspection, the objects that swarmed in streaming patterns in and out of the center of the second sun were some sort of fluttering creature, akin to a butterfly. They fluttered around a core of flapping wings, soaring in swooping streams and waves. However they were incentivized to do so, they followed tight patterns, coalescing into tight clumps before exploding outward like a living pyrotechnic display. Their vibrant colors sent rainbow light scattering and shimmering over the people below.

From that globe came a light snowstorm of some feathery white substance. Though they spun and floated in the air, once they landed on a surface, the tiny flakes disappeared like cotton candy in water. The shimmering light and the light white flurry created a dreamy atmosphere that lifted you up and made you feel euphoric. You looked down at the flakes seeming to seep into your skin.

"A mild intoxicant, my love," Loki said when he saw you examining the little fluffy flecks. He spoke in your ear to be heard over the roar of the crowd and the clangs and bells and beeps and shouts from the tables around you. "As long as you remember that luck is ephemeral, you should be fine."

You grinned at him, taking the warning as it was meant and deliberately tamping down the oddly lucky feeling surging inside you that urged you to take whatever chance looked the most lucrative. To distract yourself, you went back to studying your surroundings, stunned by the pageantry. Loki had shown you opulent when he'd first dragged you into his personal dimensional pocket, but this was lavish walking the edge of gaudy.

Standing in the center of the room, on the burnished old gold carpet so rich and soft it seemed like velvet clover beneath your boots, you examined the enormous pillars of creamy stone that matched the floor. Too big around to fit your arms, they were adorned with more of the fluttering creatures. These glowed golden, their shimmering wings sending the light scattering and making the air itself seem to sparkle.

You were surrounded on all sides by people of all shapes, sizes, colors, limbs, etc. As you took in the spectacular, you tried to come to grips with your boggled mind. A veritable army of beautifully built, violet-skinned, black-haired beauties wearing short black shorts and matching crop tops with tank sleeves wove in and out amongst the tables. As much muscle was on display as possible and each person had plenty of muscle to display. The matching uniforms went with the trays of glasses full of brightly colored liquids, some fizzing, some sparking, some smoking. A frothy pink something with bright green leaves as a garnish caught your eye and sent one of those lucky rushes through you. Once you'd gotten your bearings, you were going to find out what it was and whether it would kill you. The white flakes urged you to go for it.

Looking up, all around you the walls were hung with silk in vibrant jewel tones, contrasting with the old gold of the floors and walls. Each floor above you had its own balcony, like a dress circle in a theatre, but wider and full of more games and people. The entryway you'd come out from under had been the second floor, open to the rest of the room so that each floor could see the dome and its colorful explosions. You wondered what differentiated each floor, though it seemed the main difference was the first floor was much louder than the others.

In every direction you could see boisterous crowds surrounding tables of dice, or spinning wheels and flashing lights, or in one section, a pit of what appeared to be fighting insects, the scantily clad croupier taking bets on which bestingered, hissing monster would kill the other. You deliberately turned away from that part of the casino.

Loki noticed the rejection on your face. "Are you not interested in wagering, my love?" He asked the question in silky tones, hoping that whatever had displeased you could be ignored long enough for him to dazzle you with the delights he'd already planned.

You wrinkled your nose and smiled at him, your back firmly to the hissing insects. You’d concluded that it was best not to see how that particular game ended. Your lips twisted wryly, but the spectacle drew your eyes in a thousand directions at once. "I didn't expect to come down on the side of the terror scorpions." You spoke the words with a wry twist to your lips and your voice, as surprised as anyone to find it to be true. "And I never gamble on games when I don’t know the rules."

Loki glanced at the fighting pits behind you, then laughed along with you. "Never?" He asked it with a skeptical eyebrow raised as he turned to offer you his arm. When you took it with an indulgent eye roll, he led you away from the bugs and toward a table surrounded by a crowd of cheering patrons.

"You are the very rare exception."

Loki lifted your hand from where it rested on his arm and kissed the back lavishly, enjoying you, appreciating your dedication to the evening, no matter the size of the stingers that tried to get in the way. The pits hadn't been here the last time he had, or he might have taken you to a different casino, considering your sensibilities. He didn't understand it, but you had a moral difficulty with blood sports that he would not have forced you to ignore for his sake if he could have helped it. You overlooked so much on his behalf, he hated to add even one more.

"Exactly as I prefer it," he tossed back as he drew you over to a large round fountain, elaborate in both the sprays of water that flashed and sparkled in the golden light, but also in the carving of the statues that sat atop the center plinth. Your eyes widened at the sculpture, both the subject matter and the detail. Like a Bernini, the creatures were so finely carved that the stone flesh seemed to give underneath gripping fingers in an erotic tangle of limbs. 

"I know, dear," you retorted absently, your eyes wide as you watched the lavender water froth and sparkle as golden bubbles popped and fizzed beneath the provocative sculpture. The beauty here was unreasonable, so much so that there were moments you felt dazed by it. Your eyes swept the room, taking in the living light show, the crowded tables, the array of people, and your heart sped until it was pounding and pounding. This wasn't a new experience, a unique kind of panic attack that you experienced at Loki's side. You never knew if your heart was racing in fear or excitement, but his wicked smile always drew you on regardless.

He'd turned that wicked smile on you when he purred, his voice a temptation, "Come, throw some dice." He'd seen your eyes widening and your lips parting and knew the things he'd shared with you had overcome your stunning control. Nothing made him happier than watching your breath speed in response to the wonders he gave to you. "Since it’s a special occasion."

You smiled at him, grateful to have him to focus on. You concentrated on that mischievous grin and took slow, deep breaths. Knowing you were hand in hand with someone like Loki helped you stay calm when the universe was almost too much. Not only was he dangerous under all circumstances, but you also knew how highly he valued you, how careful he really was with you. Aside from the kind of danger that goes hand in hand with adventure, you knew you were safer at his side on an unfamiliar planet than you were when walking alone in an unfamiliar neighborhood in New York.

"Something tells me I shouldn’t give into that line of reasoning," you smirked at him, sliding your arm around his waist and pulling yourself in to burrow into his throat, "or everything will become a ‘special occasion’."

Loki laughed, wrapping his arms around your shoulders to squeeze you, exuberant affection bursting out of him like light. You smiled into his face, the sight of his happiness making your throat ache in joy. You loved making him happy like this, especially as so much melancholy had hung on him since you'd met. Grief had dogged his steps for a long time; seeing him look so glad and free made you feel like your heart was full and overflowing.

"Let me tempt you, darling." His joyous face beamed into yours as he enticed you. "Let me prove I can still persuade you to give in to your vices." His head dipped to yours and he nuzzled your mouth, his teeth scraping your bottom lip and making you moan a little, low in your throat. The sound shot straight to his groin, his body impatient for the last item on the evening's schedule. He fought his lust for you, but his hand slid down your spine to your tailbone, pressing you closer to his body the whole way down. "You know how it thrills me," he whispered against your mouth before taking your mouth in a deep, passionate kiss.

"I do, yes." You whispered the words back as soon as your lips were free again. Loki was in a surprising mood, one you were only vaguely familiar with. He seemed reckless, but young and wild at the same time. You wondered if he realized how stifling he found impersonating his father, if he knew how much happier he was when he was out in the universe, causing trouble. You gave in, happy to allow him to corrupt you, if only because it pleased him so much.

"If it will truly make you happy to talk me into gambling with your money, I will try." You looked around, and decided on a table with rolling dice, hoping the rules would be at least somewhat similar to any dice games from Earth. Loki gave you a wicked and wholly satisfied smile as he offered you several of the gold wafers that appeared to be the currency here. Taking his hand, you walked towards the table with the most exuberant cheering. "What are we doing here?" You directed the question at Loki as you watched the creature at the end of the table take three dice into a hook and toss them down to the other end of the table. "It kinda looks like craps, except are those eight-sided dice?"

Loki was watching you, not the table. He loved that he could see you trying to figure out the game, though the rules were opaque and the symbols incomprehensible to you. You watched the gameplay, seeking the pattern that would tell you enough about how the game was played for you to participate. "Two are eight-sided," he replied, the joy of having you with him in his world making his heart ache, "the third is twelve." You looked at him when you heard the exhilaration in his tone, a soft smile lifting the corner of your mouth, tempting him. "Why do you ask?"

You could see only happiness and excitement sparkling in his smile, so you shrugged and turned your gaze back to the gaming table in front of you. "I'm figuring the odds." Your eyes narrowed as you answered absently. Because your attention was entirely on the table, you gasped in surprise when Loki pulled you close to wrap his arms around you from behind, burying his face in the curve of your throat. He took your skin gently between his teeth and bit down, goaded past endurance by the look of concentration on your face.

"And you don't know how it excites me," he murmured against your skin, his lips soothing the slight prickle of pain his teeth had left behind. Truthfully, he hadn't known how you would excite him, how having you slip into his world like you belonged there would have him already quivering for you. Only his determination to drive you both to the brink of madness before he gave in prevented him from finding somewhere private to slake this thirst.

Though he couldn't see the smile on your face, the sultry expression came through loud and clear in both the way you pressed back against him, your ass brushing the erection straining at leather behind you, and in your amused voice. "I have an idea," you murmured as you snuggled back into his embrace, tilting your head to give him easier access to your throat.

"Excite me more," he growled before taking advantage of that access to close his teeth around the cord of muscle where your neck met your shoulder. Between his arms tight around you and your own motion to press firmly against his body, the iron bar of his cock snugged against you and taunted you with the reminder of his ever-present desire for you.

Loki's appreciation for the oddest things about you was a source of never-ending delight, something that made you feel exceptional. He loved things about you that you'd always assumed to be normal, or even mediocre, and you could not think of yourself as ordinary when he disagreed, and he so clearly was none of those things.

You watched as a large humanoid placed a stack of gold wafers on one of the pictographs on the table before taking the three dice in his giant hand. "As far as I can tell," you replied as the man tossed the dice down to the other end of the table, snarling when none of the upright pictures on the dice matched those under his wager, "they're trying to match certain combinations, based on their likelihoods." Your voice was shaking slightly, giving away both your laughter at Loki’s playful mood and your arousal at his touch.

"Delectable." Loki's breath was coming faster as he started placing light, brushing kisses over your shoulder, up your neck, smiling against your skin. He breathed into your ear as he fought his own cravings, trying to keep his hands somewhat under control. As you were wearing your ring, the people flowing around you didn't even notice Loki wrapped around his dark bride. He knew they wouldn't notice if he brought you to a climax in the middle of the casino floor. That knowledge was a constant temptation, one he'd never imagined when he'd been making the rings, but thanks to his love for violating rules and boundaries, had turned out to be an unexpected advantage.

"Loki…" Your voice was a warning as his arms had loosened so that he could run his hands over the sides of your body, up from your hips to directly beneath your breasts, pausing there an edgy moment before running back down. The firmness of his hands against you, like he was holding himself in careful check, sent a thrill running through you. His strength combined with his wildness sometimes made your heart race in something closer to anxiety than desire, but the tinge of fear only heightened the experience. A wild part of you loved him because he was dangerous, not in spite of it.

Loki swore, quietly and viciously, as his hands stilled on your hips, his grip tight enough to almost be painful, but carefully restrained. You could feel how he wanted you in the way he held you, but you also felt him deliberately rein himself in. His voice calm, but with an undercurrent of threat that made you shudder in desire, he removed his mouth from your skin and returned to the subject at hand. “That is the most basic of the wagering, yes."

You took a deep breath, aware that Loki was in a more dangerous mood than normal. He taunted and tempted you into madness on a regular day. How much higher would you soar at his suggestion? What depths would you plumb with his encouragement? In this mood, what outrageous deeds would you commit at his side, at his provocation? What wouldn't you risk when he was the prize?

You'd already done far more shocking things with Loki than gambling on dice. You could only be grateful that the evening's entertainments had started with something relatively ordinary. “And how much you win is based on how much and when you bet. But more important is when.”

Loki felt like he couldn't bear to not be touching you, and so he hadn't removed his hands from your hips. At your words, his hands tightened again as he leashed himself against the rising desire. There were moments it frightened him, what he'd done for you, what he would do. You had so much power over him, it could be terrifying. You'd inspired him to such heights, brought him to such lows, it was insufferable how much more he'd become in your hands. The only way he could bear it was that you were equally under his spell. You never used that power over him for anything but pleasure.

He may have been caught, trapped in the endless pools of fey eyes, but you were caught in his gravity, tidal locked with those compelling eyes on him and only him. He was content, or as content as he was capable.

Loki couldn't help himself; he leaned forward and closed his teeth around the nape of your neck. He was finally playing on the edges of the galaxy with you. Dazzling you, thrilling you, overwhelming you, was the priority. "You catch on fast, love," he murmured against your skin, pressing hot, open-mouthed kisses to the back of your shoulders as his hands slowly climbed back up your sides. When you pressed back against him and rubbed yourself against him, he growled, "I could eat you alive."

Your face spread in a smile you hadn't had before you met Loki, something wicked and potent. Knowing that something about this trip had him even more unruly than usual, and that unruliness was expressing itself in lust, gave you a feeling of immense power. You grabbed one of the hands about to slide up to cup your breasts and stepped forward, out of Loki's arms.

"Then I'll start there," you said with a cheeky glance back at Loki, whose pale skin was flushed with desire, eyes glittering and smile wide with sexy menace. You felt cold once your body was no longer in contact with his, but you used your hand in his to pull him with you toward the gaming table. You'd been together long enough that you could see that he was planning to make you pay for teasing him. You'd been teasing him long enough that you’d known that when you’d started.

Well used to this part now, thanks to your sojourns on Earth, you tapped on the arm of one of the beings surrounding the table. The man was seven feet if he was an inch, and covered head to toe in what looked like very uncomfortable gray metal armor, giant pauldrons completing the space marine vibe. When you touched him and murmured, "Excuse me," he jumped a foot in the air and shrieked like a little girl.

Too used to this response to your sudden appearance, you smiled blandly at the giant gaping down at you and asked politely, "May I squeeze in here?"

You didn't know it, but Loki had tweaked the spell in your rings to make your appearance more potent and thus more intimidating. Though he didn't want you to draw undue attention, he still wanted the universe at large to know at a glance how significant you were, even if they couldn't put their finger on why.

You leaned forward and waved to get the attention of the croupier so that he would notice your bet as well. His eyes widened, but he was far better than the giant at your side at hiding his astonishment, years of customer service callousing his ability to feel surprise. After a beat, he shouted, "Got a new player!"

This time you glanced around in surprise when, with a glance from the croupier, the man next to you offered you the dice. You took the dice and looked up in dismay when the croupier then shouted, "Place your bet!"

"I've actually never played before," you said to the shockingly gentle looking man, for all his size and armor. He grinned, revealing a full set of shining silver teeth.

"You'll want to pick a Trieklah,” he replied, pointing at the trios of pictographs matching those on the dice. The giant had a surprisingly warm baritone; if he could carry a tune, he'd have made a fortune on Earth giving Hozier a run for his money. "That's the biggest payout, but the hardest to hit."

"One for each die?" You noticed everyone else around the table betting in threes and wanted to make sure that you needed to do the same. The silver-toothed giant smiled and nodded in encouragement. You played with the stack of wafers in your hands, clicking them together like thin dominoes. You quickly decided on a trio, but as you leaned forward, your necklace swung forward, and a glint of colored light reflected off the center opal. That shimmer directed your eye to a set of three that somehow reminded you of Loki. On impulse, you changed direction and placed your bet on the other rectangle. "Let's see if luck is on my side today."

The giant looked at you, his surprisingly light blue eyes in dark skin piercing. Loki's illusion was complete, and Odof the Merc hadn't survived all these years by being naïve. In addition to Loki’s spells, there was an aura about you that you couldn't hide, an aura that had become more and more apparent the more time you spent with Loki and in the wider universe. Even Loki's illusions couldn't hide what you'd become. "You got lucky eyes," he concluded and added his own bet to yours.

Loki, meanwhile, was standing back, watching you charm a dangerous mercenary with ease, a wide smile on his face. There was something deeply gratifying about the way you moved through the galaxy, with the same smooth ease with which you moved through your own world. He felt validated in his view of your extraordinary gifts, enjoyed seeing the way you gently dominated everything around you.

You cocked your arm back and sent the dice tumbling across the walled table. Luck was with you and the dice rolled onto what looked like purple baize on the three sides you'd picked. With a shocked cheer, you turned and hugged your new friend in the kind of exuberance that comes from an unexpected win.

The sheer, unmitigated pleasure on the giant's face when your arms closed swiftly and awkwardly around his bulky armor made Loki smile in an unfamiliar way. The feeling was sheer, uncomplicated delight, and he wondered that he should so enjoy watching another man go to mush over you. Something about the fierce warrior looking soft and bashful as you grinned and thanked him made Loki happy, though he didn't really understand why.

You collected your winnings, turning your head to laugh back at Loki in delight as you stuffed wafers into your pockets. He grinned wildly back at you, and if the croupier hadn't snagged your attention, you'd have been stunned to see the love he had for you naked on his face.

You turned back and threw three gold wafers on another set of three. Since you'd won last time, you evidently were supposed to retain the dice and roll again, like craps, so you cocked your arm back and sent the dice flying again. This time, however, only one of the dice matched any of the symbols that you'd picked on the board. Two of your wafers were collected by the croupier, but the third was handed back to you to pick another set. This time, the giant explained, you had to pick one that had the symbol that already matched yours, but you would bet again and reroll the remaining two dice.

You grabbed two more wafers and placed your bet on another set that appealed to you, but none of the rectangles of symbols grabbed you as the first wager had. You weren't feeling it, and apparently that showed on your face. The friendly giant set his bet on a different trio with an apologetic look. "No offense, girlie, but I don't think you got it this time."

You rolled again, then cursed when neither of your dice matched your bet. The croupier gave back an eight-sided die and you sent it tumbling, though you could only break even now. As you tossed the last die, you grinned wryly at your new friend and replied, "No offense taken, boyo. I did not have it."

Odof had never had a little thing like you sass him like this. His armor told the world who he was and what he did for a living. Most people gave him a wide berth, but here you were, seemingly harmless, but with the confidence of a goddess. He threw his head back and laughed out loud, certain you had hidden talents.

Boyo, he thought, tickled pink both by the familiarity and the sparkling smile you'd sent him as you'd said it. "I like you!" He shouted the words, then stopped the croupier when he started to pass the dice to the person to your left. "Let her roll again. The luck's back on her." He winked at you, and you grinned back, delighted with your social success in the wider universe. "Bet again, I'll wager with you."

The lady to your left was a shocking gold, with an oddly superior aura, but she handed the dice to you with a smile. Absently toying with your necklace, another flash of light drew your eye to a rectangle that held script-like symbols. They reminded you of the sigils that surrounded the portal from your linen closet to Loki's pocket dimension. You put nine wafers down in a stack and grinned recklessly at the giant.

The giant gave another boisterous roaring laugh, then threw down a matching stack of gold. As you looked back, you caught Loki's eye and winked, grinning cheekily. Loki thought you breathtaking, playing on the edge of chance and making friends with dangerous mercenaries. He saw more clearly than ever why he'd never been able to permanently walk away from you. He'd found his match in you, his mate, and it was the greatest treasure he'd ever found. Staying with you had become his highest priority. His revenge against his father and the petty usurpation of the throne had become his raison d'etre when his mother died. At some point since he'd met you, holding fast to you had overcome that focus, that need.

He could bear to have all the glories of Asgard torn away, as long as he was still at your side when it was over.

You turned back to the table, unaware of the fireworks of emotion that were going off inside of Loki, to match the bursting explosions of color above his head. You took a deep breath, shook your fist and cocked your arm, sending the dice tumbling over the table.

The table erupted into cheers, delighted and surprised to find that you'd done it again, you'd pulled off another Trieklah. Loki came over, a bag in his hand that he'd seemed to pull from nothing. Once you'd piled your winnings into the bag, a considerable amount after two rare hits of luck, you thanked the lady who'd given you the dice. She was delighted, as she'd hit on a side bet and won a decent amount herself.

Turning to the giant, you patted his arm and smiled warmly up into his oddly sweet face. "Thank you for your help!"

He smiled back and patted your hand on his arm, his hand a bear paw in comparison to yours. "My pleasure, little lady."

You enjoyed being called little, and lady, and your smile took on a sweetness you hadn't intended, but the giant found utterly beguiling. If you hadn't had an Asgardian escort at your side, he might have suggested you hang around, let him get to know you better. His face fell, however, at your next words. "Break a leg, friend."

His expression surprised you. Someone who looked like him seemed to be the sort who would enjoy a more violent idiom. You smiled reassuringly and explained, "That's how we wish someone good fortune on my world."

The giant's face relaxed, and he smiled again, thinking this was proof that you were more dangerous than you appeared. "You must live on a brutal world."

With one more squeeze to his forearm, you laughed up at him. Loki had taken your hand when you'd turned to him to walk away from the table and was leading you away as you tossed back. "You have no idea."

Loki drew you away from the table, grinning at your good luck and the warm happiness that animated you. Bubbling over with excitement, you smugly handed back the stake he'd fronted you. He tried to refuse, but you insisted, then taunted him that you didn't even need him now, because you could buy your own drinks.

The two of you explored the rest of the building, but you refused to play any of the other games, certain your luck had run out and uninterested in giving any of your money back to the casino now that you had it in your possession. Loki thought you were adorable, if a bit perverse, but he remained indulgent, especially when you told him you wanted to remember the night as nothing but fun and triumph.

Once he'd shown you the indulgence of greed, the two of you left the casino and wandered freely through the streets. Loki knew where he was going, however, and pulled you through a door in a side street into a small serving room. The two of you sat at one of the few tables beside the long bar and proceeded to eat the best food you'd ever tasted in your life. You couldn't explain why it was so much better than anything you'd had before, but you didn't question it. The why was unimportant when you were plowing through a pastry the likes of which you'd never had before. Perfectly flaky, the filling was creamy and fruity and smooth, and you’d swear your taste buds were in overdrive. By the time you were done, you were in love with Witter, the lovely purple man who'd made and personally served you the dessert that you were crazy about.

Loki pulled you away from the laughing Witter, telling him to ignore you, that you couldn't marry him because you were already married, dammit. Once you were in the alley, he pulled you into a dark alcove to kiss you, to remind you that he could give you so much more than pastry, no matter how delicious. His body shielding yours, he'd taken advantage of your skirt to bring you to a quick but shuddering climax with his fingers. His eyes burned as he watched you put yourself back together and he sucked your flavor from his fingertips. Knowing he had so much more planned for you, instead of easing the clenching in your core, the orgasm had only whetted your appetite for more.

Loki led you on into the night, you'd assumed to a room where he could unleash the sexual tension that had been building all evening. When he pulled you into what looked like a dive bar, you looked around in surprise and confusion. Accompanying Loki had taught you it was best to go along with him, as he usually had a reason for what he did, even if his reason was overemotional or hyperbolic. With a cocky smile, you shrugged and asked what the frothy pink thing was called and whether anything in it would kill you before swaggering up to the bar to get the tentacled bartender's attention.

Loki wanted you like air, was driving himself mad by waiting to have you alone. You'd blossomed in his life, at his side, as he'd known you would. Still, he’d never known how you’d shine, or how he’d feel about it.

As you'd walked away from the gaming table, however, Odof the Merc had turned back to the game, but for some reason he was seeing flashes of light that he wasn't used to. Like midges on the edges of his vision, the little flashes would draw his eye to particular Trieklahs. When he followed the flashes, his luck seemed better than when he didn't, so he kept following them. When he decided to quit, an hour later, he was up over five thousand credits and was ready to spend it on sex and sauce. Odof was thinking and appreciating that you must have thrown him some luck, whether you intended to or not and he was not certain either way, as he stumbled into the casino's biggest bar, looking for some companionship.

Four guards, each his size and armed, prepared to deal with him if he wanted to make trouble, surrounded him before he made it to the bar. Odof sighed. Luck never stuck around for long.

Part Nineteen here>>

Taglist (open):

@hellzzzbelle @targaryenvampireslayer @cheekygeek05 @bibliophile1773 @thatawkwardlittlefangirl @miraclesoflove @nerdy-bookworm-1998 @destiel-is--endgame @irritated-bisexual @peaceinourtime82 @badassbaker @walkingtravesty97 @fashionworld12 @readermia @fukyouthink @felicityofbakerstreet @lumar014ad @thedistractedagglomeration

[irrealisms]

🍓, 🍄, and 🪲

🍓 ⇢ how did you get into writing fanfiction? 

warrior cats fanfiction at age 8.

🍄 ⇢ share a head canon for one of your favourite ships or pairings

ooooh. this is hard bc normally i try to match fandoms for whoever's asking but honestly i dont... have major Favorite Ships for dsmp? quackbur ig, but idk if i have good headcanons for it /as a ship/ instead of [the two of them individually]...... i feel like a lot of my headcanons for dsmp relationships are for friendships yk. hmmm. ok i will go non-dsmp. mu qing has been in love with xie lian since they were teenagers at the very least and mu qing despite being celibate for cultivation reasons is in fact allo (possibly a late bloomer and went for the celibate path before his sex drive kicked in, possibly motivated by social reasons, possibly has Stuff around following the same path as xl. either way he's so sunk cost fallacied about it) and is incredibly fucking bitter abt xie lian's progression from "lalala this is so easy for me i have never felt sexual desires ever in my life" to "lalala this is so easy for me i have thrown away my cultivation base in order to marry a ghost king" when MU QING has been MISERABLY REPRESSING HIS DESIRES for EIGHT HUNDRED YEARS. anyway he is less bitter after a few years or possibly decades post-canon. idk how exactly it goes but admitting that he wants to be friends w xie lian & slowly letting go of the hualian-directed homophobia both help a lot. but he was very bitter for a long time. and also very very in love. no one knows he's in love not because he is not obvious about it (he is) but because no one can read anything from mu qing other than that he sucks for no reason

[EDIT: i have been REMINDED of a quackbur headcanon i have (that i stole from my friend lol but who's counting). which is that during pogtopia wilbur stole quackity's lighter for self-harm purposes. (wilbur didn't have his own lighter bc tommy stole it from him bc wilbur kept using it for self-harm purposes.)]

🪲 ⇢ add 50 words to your current wip and share the paragraph here

i don't have any wips rn believe it or not and the only thing i need to Start is for an anonymous exchange so i can't start it and then share the progress there w/out revealing myself! sorry ^^;

(Writers Truth & Dare Ask Game)