#sunk cost fallacied myself here

[doffies]

i know i said this would be posted like. two weeks ago, but in my defense; i’m a filthy liar. ♥️

[smileyobrien]

oh hello there

[hey-heigo]

kinda wanna go home but i already booked the hotel sooo

[kyomu-kyomu-translations]

Oreca TV! Episode 31 "Oreca Battle 2 ~Chapter 2~ The Desert Fortress Pre-release Special"

list of monsters revealed

Traveler/Discoverer Alan

Traveler Char/Wanderer Charles

Draco/Mechanical Dragon Dracomachina

Chick/Roc Bird Rukh

Anubis

Cloud Wolf Garm

Dr. Franken

Mephisto/Spirit Mephisto/Guiding Spirit Mephisto

Dark Dragon Favnir

Demon King Arakishu

character voicelines (i am not confident in my accuracy here because some of these i had a hard time hearing without subtitles)

Traveler Alan voiceline (2:05-06)

I'm Alan.

Traveler Char voiceline (2:06-07)

I'm Char, a traveler.

Anubis voiceline (2:25-35)

Know the weight of your sins!

Dr. Franken voiceline (2:40-50)

O wandering souls. I shall help you to fulfill your wishes and find your peace.

Guiding Spirit Mephisto boss appearance and probable EX voiceline (2:50-3:10)

Hm? Who are you? If you want my power... then first taste it in the flesh.

It may not be much, but this is a token of my gratitude for your constant support. Please, take it. Ahahahaha! Just kidding!

Discoverer Alan voiceline (3:32-34)

I'll do it.

Wanderer Charles voiceline (3:34-36)

I'm Charles.

Spirit Mephisto voiceline (3:36-38)

You know, they say the star of the show arrives fashionably late!

Demon King Akishu boss appearance voiceline (3:42-48)

Kill to survive. And if you survive, then conquer. ...That is all!

Spirit Mephisto's Ex: Prize Defuse (3:52-4:01)

Yahoo! I got a lot! Might as well give you guys some too. Oops, my hand slipped!

Discoverer Alan's EX move: Prison of a Thousand Blades (4:02-10)

There's no escape.

Demon King Arakishu's EX move: Abyssia Sandstrom (4:15-25)

Try piercing me if you want! Despair as the world collapses.

story previews

6:09-14

But actually, Alan... gets captured by the ruler of the desert, Demon King Arakishu!

6:17-21

After being captured, Alan is rescued by the monster we're going to introduce next!

6:49-52

But you see, when Char lets Alan escape, they get separated!

7:48-54

Mephisto is a prank-loving monster and made a certain contract with Alan to lend him their own power!

7:58-8:07

Well, it's a contract where when Alan's life ends... Mephisto will take Alan's most precious thing!

semi-relevant trivia

Char/Charles is definitely not named after Charles de Batz de Castelmore, also known as Count d'Artagnan. do not think about the other Oreca guy who is technically also named after this Count.

Arakishu (阿刺吉酒) is an archaic name for shochu from the Edo period. the name is thought to come from "arak", Arabic for "perspiration", which itself is the name for distilled spirits in many Middle Eastern countries.

no, i did not misspell "sandstorm" when writing out the name of Akishu's EX move. "Sandström" (サンドストロム) is a Swedish last name that means "sand stream".

my thoughts

why are they so tiny on the video thumbnail

i decided to call him Char and now i cant stop being reminded of the guy from Gundam. help.

its pride month babyyyyyy

i like the devilish jester design and think it looks very amusing. to me, they talk like a game show host, which i guess kind of matches with how Saqqara and DJ/Ancient Minister Hop also talk very dramatically. at 8:38 Arina says that Mephisto is "different from the other Oremons up until now" but explaining just how is "for next time". kinda interesting that compared to the other Oremons, Mephisto is not an harmless, kind-hearted little mascot. Zenogon and Achelon help others through the goodness in their hearts, but Mephisto doesnt seem to be like that.

now that there are at least three demon kings in OB2, you start to see they have certain things in common:

the alcoholic drinks they are named after are distilled spirits or contain distilled spirits (whiskey, sherry, shochu)

they are dragon people

they all wear the same kind of purple gem on their bodies

i think the purple gems could end up being more relevant in the manga story. the Dark Crystals haven't been shown in color yet, but they could be purple because that's an easy way to show something is evil. and then maybe the purple gems are how the demon kings are able to make Dark Crystals and trap people in them.

[lyril]

alrighttt 😒 i need to stop succumbing to sunk cost fallacy so i think i'm gonna import my tag system from my sideblog over to here even if i can't really go back and tag every single thing right now 👍 maybe some day. or not! who knows!!! maybe this is all the kickstart i need to just fucking do it and be normal. idk

[absolutebl]

This Week in BL - Thailand is back in the game

Organized, in each category, with ones I'm enjoying most at the top.

March 2025 Week 3

Ongoing Series - Thai

Sweet Tooth Good Dentist (Fri iQIYI) ep 1 of 12 - Bite me. Of course I fucking adore this. It's exactly the style of BL I like best in the world. I love everything about it including that the dentist is unhinged. Will it push "worst trope" buttons or stay safe? Either way its gonna be fun. Mark is doing a killer job (and looks STUNNING). Plus Jimmy is gonna show up? I'm all in.

Perfect 10 Liners (Sun YT) ep 21 of 24 - I love FaifaWine so much. How am I gonna judge this show when I feel so differently about each pair? 

Top Form (Thurs WeTV) ep 1 of 10 - Adaptation of a yaoi starring Boom (Chains of Heart) and Smart (Don't Say No). And... it’s fine. I like the leads quite a bit. There is a part of me though, that wishes this was getting a JBL treatment rather than Thai. I like that it’s gonna be longer this way, but the subject matter just feels more Japanese. The show is engaging enough despite this, or perhaps because of it. It’s interesting to watch Thailand tackle Japanese IP since there is built in stylistic tension. Right now it it is ill-fitting, like a shrunken suit. But it might turn out to be Velcroed on, and suddenly split open or be torn off, so I'm hypnotized. All in all, this is not what I was hoping for, but I'll keep watching if I can (I no longer have VIP status on WeTV). 

Flirt Milk (Sat YT) ep 9 or 10 - I think the reason I really dislike the main couple is how truly childlike the uke character is. It’s not kinky, it’s just creepy. I like the second pairing of "arrogant asshole and ultra tsundere uke".

And.... suddenly everybody is getting it on. Of course I like the whole show better now but it’s taken too much to get here and we arrived rather precipitously.

My Golden Blood (Weds iQIYI) Ep 2 of 12 - I’m gonna say it. In addition to not having much chemistry, I don’t think the leads are doing a good job in their roles. They either need to be more campy or less. Joss is pretty darn wooden, but that’s nothing new. So it's Gawin who is disappointing me. He seems to be directed to become something very against his nature, so much so it's an awkward screen presence. It’s all rather unpleasant to watch. It can’t be just me feeling this. Right?

Okay but…

Puts snark hat on:

Are ALL Tong’s fluids potently golden?

ALL OF THEM?

That be a fun use of verse in the future. 

(We would never get that lucky though.)

Lost in the Woods (Weds Gaga) ep 1 of 7 - Started with singing which I was not happy about. I also really dislike the main character. I’m not wild about the actor either. I’m not sure if I can watch this show.

Ossan‘s Love Thailand (Mon YouTube) ep 11 of 12 - Already one of the worst shows in BLandia and they just had to put in the amnesia trope! (Insert all & every expletive here. Only don't, because I can't even get worked up about it.) Worst trope ever. What am I supposed to do with myself? This is untenable. Yes yes I could drop it. But with only one more ep, and a serious sunk cost fallacy in play, I am seeing this bullpucky through to the better end.

But I am very bitter about it.

Ongoing Series - Not Thai

Secret Relationships (Korea iQIYI) ep 4 of 8 - It has taken me half the damn show to realize it, but this is Korea doing messy gays! I didn’t recognize, because we so rarely get this trope from KBL. How exciting. I don’t normally like toxic and messy, but I guess I like it now because this show is sending me. Yes yes it's unhinged but for soem reason I'm okay with it.

7 years (SEVEN YEARS) of these insane hyungs sniffing round this poor little gay baby like he's the chosen one in some harem m/m/m/m. It is wild! But I also do finally see why they all like Da-on so much. Good kiss but also... no kissing drunk baby!

Exclusive Love (Taiwan Fri Gaga) ep 7 of 12 - The sides are the only thing that matter in this show. I have taken a stance. Also I LOVE Ian. I had him for 5 seconds and will move mountains for him. 

Fight for Love (Vietnam YT) ep 7 end - WAY too much singing. Sigh. But otherwise a fine end.

Summary

A cute but soapy piece from Vietnam about a rich kid with a crush on a busker (who already has relationship problems). Pretty standard chaotic Vietnamese romcom with unhinged characters and a mildly incomprehensible plot about a boy who wants to be a singer and another boy who is in love with him + various exes. It’s fine if you have nothing else to do. (Which seems to be about how the music boy felt about the dude he ended up with.) 7/10

Checkered Shirt (Korea YT) ep 7 of 8 - again I either missed it or it didn’t drop. I'm struggling with YT these days.

It's airing but......

Sashes and Hearts (Pinoy YT) 13 eps - Philippines is doing Drop Dead Gorgeous only all gay boys queening their asses off. Doesn't interest me, not sure if it's BL.

Last Meal Universe (Thai ????) 8 eps - An alien who has come to destroy earth instead falls in love with Thai food and then the Thai boy who cooks it - realistic, actually. I got a link to watch but it still wouldn't work for me, so I guess I'm waiting to see what happens.

In case you missed it

Gelboys (Thai iQIYI) 7 eps - It ended. How do we feel about it? Worth watching?

The Last Time (Thai WeTV) 8 eps - Ended? Anyone watch it?

BamBam of GOT7 just being very Thai about the prettiest contestant ever to be on a survivor show. And that's all Imma say about this rabbit hole. I don't normally cross the streams like this, but this is so BL adjacent and has gotta be someone's fanfic come to life.

I rewatched it - new segment

(because of the slump, here's what I revisited lately)

Minato's Laundromat - holds up

Cosmetic Playlover - holds up

Kiss X Kiss X Kiss: Perfect Scandal - holds all the way up (see gif)

Vending Machine Sono Koi - not so good on the rewatch

Dominant Yakuza and Wimpy Corporate Slave - still as silly as I remember, but not worth rewatching again soon

Hidden Agenda - a frequent rewatch for me, I find JoongDunk a very comforting pair

Bad Buddy - my first rewatch and I gotta say, I think this one was BETTER for me on a rewatch! Such a great show. I would go so far as to say this might be the best Thai BL as an example of OG Thai Uni BL. It just perfect a classic. You just have to like the classics.

Next Week Looks Like This:

Frigay Is Back!

3/28 Heesu in Class 2 (Korea Fri Viki) 10 eps - Trailer. Adaption of the comic by Lily, about a shy unpopular boy with a secret crush on best friend who somehow also ends up his school's relationship counselor. Supposed to have completed filming in 2022, the fact this has been in dev hell since then somewhat mitigates this being my most anticipated BL of it's original year.

3/28 Fight for You (Taiwan Fri Gaga) 12 eps - We haven't had cop/criminal in a long time, and from Taiwan no less, I'm looking forward to this!

2025 Line Up

BL Announced for 2025 - PART 1

BL Announced for 2025 - PART 2

20 BLs Announced for 2025 That I'm Really Excited About

GMMTV 2025 Line Up - My Totally Biased and Wildly Flawed Feels

THIS WEEK’S BEST MOMENT

(last week)

The tag BLigade: @doorajar @solitaryandwandering @my-rose-tinted-glasses @babymbbatinygirl @babymbbatinygirl @isisanna-blog @mmastertheone @pickletrip @aliceisathome @urikawa-miyuki @tokillamonger @sunflower-positiiivity @rocketturtle4 @blglplus @anythinggoesintheshire @everlightly @renafire @mestizashinrin @bl-bam-beyond @small-dark-and-delicious @saezurumurmurs

[charbies]

linktober 31 - HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

I thought for the last day I'd write a little retrospective on what this whole thing was like and what I learned. I'm too tired to draw literally anything else I'm due for a break lol

So this was my second time ever attempting a linktober/october drawing challenge, but my first time managing to complete all the days and prompts. I feel super proud of myself and accomplished for pulling it off.

There were a number of things that were surprising and that were challenging for me that I wasn't expecting this month. If anything, I think this challenge really highlighted my flaws and mental blindspots with how I approach making art.

For one thing, I came away from this not liking everything I made. I think I only like about 9 or 10 of the 30 pieces I put out there. When I don't like my art, I tend to get stuck in this mental stalemate of refusing to finish a piece until I like it, but also refusing to retrace my steps and erase/rework what I have so far for fear of losing progress or not being able to replicate the line/angle/color/etc that I liked.

It was surprisingly hard to accept when I didn't like a piece but had to move on for the sake of time and post it anyway. But once I did it a few times, it got easier. I realized prioritizing my standards over my available energy is not gonna promote progress. If I kept sinking myself into one piece and not moving on until it was optimal, I never would have finished anything-- that was the pitfall that ultimately made me bail out 10 days in last year.

I also realized my sunk cost fallacy/"what if I erase this and can never redraw it good again" stems from some real lack of confidence in my knowledge and techniques with art. I'm self-taught, and I think I tend to believe that everything I make is a dumb happy accident, even though I have mental rules when I draw, use tons of references, and have a process lol. There are a few pieces I started over 2-3 times before I got them right, and that's starting to feel liberating instead of like failing to me now, which I never expected to come out of this experience so that's cool.

Another place I had to learn to let go of control in this was with allowing for style variation. I really wanted each and every piece to be coherent and painterly, like they all came from the same book or something. But then I couldn't decide whether I wanted to do all/no lineart, all/no detailed background, all/no heavy rendering, etc. At the end I settled on just keeping the same canvas dimensions and just prioritizing filling up the space. Glad I ended up doing this, because I really would benefit from continuing to chill out and scale back how much I default to making dramatic, high-render pieces. I gotta break out of my comfort zone and make more sketchy little guys!

Sometimes my attachment to the prompts fluctuated; some prompts I thought I would love and then just wanted to get them over with. Some prompts I thought I would hate and subsequently half-ass, then I ended up redoing them and putting more effort & time into and loved the end result!

It was funny to also see how some pieces that I loved straight up did not get a whole lot of notes or attention. Some pieces I was "meh" about did crazy numbers lol. I'm used to posting maybe 5-6 times a year on here, so I'm usually indifferent to getting notes (by which I mean, I'm super grateful for likes & reblogs and the super sweet & funny messages in y'alls tags, but I'm not butthurt when I don't get notes because whatever happens, happens). Churning out 30 pieces in 30 days made me sometimes get bewildered by what did and didn't get notes, but frankly in the end I think it helps reaffirm that I should continue putting whatever I want out there because it! is! not! graded!!!

So would I do Linktober again? Probably not, sorry! it was a lot of time & effort and took me away from fall festivities more than I would have liked. I kinda only managed to pull this off because I was transitioning between jobs this month and had a week off to just draw. But I also completely see the value in taking on a challenge like this and finishing what I started, I'm super glad I did this, I think my art improved from it. I would definitely do future drawing challenges/prompt things that are quicker or have less prompts!

My advice to prospective future linktoberers: pace yourself and be gentle; this is a great chance to do something exciting and new with your art, but above all it's about you having fun. There are no prizes at the end except for what you've learned and how you feel about it, and that's for the best!!

One thing's for sure, I am zelda'd out lmao so I'll be branching out towards some little projects I have lined up for personal art and other fandoms I'm into right now

So anyway thanks to all of you who read this or who gassed me up this whole month, I appreciate you!!!!!!!! ヾ(＾∇＾)

[wherethegoldenleavesfall]

Squid Game Liveblog S1E5 "A Fair World"

Back at the cliffhanger ending.

A literal leap of faith with Gihun literally hanging over the edge. How did Gihun not freak out about literally falling into the edge I will never know.

The other team loses their footing, Gihun and his team starts pulling.

And Gihun looks devasted but well his combat pragmatism kicks in.

Gihun falls for the 6 or 7th time. Do we count the edge an almost fall?

Seriously can you imagine winning that game but because of poor safety protocol you and your team also die.

They are literally wiped out. Exhausted, panting from exertion. As Gihun notices his bloody hands.

And if you look at Ilnam he is not padlock to the rope at all.

Inho just watches from his podium as 10 lights flicker off. No words, nothing.

The justifications and rationalizations start. Or in Sangwoo's case, he represses until he gets a master degree in repression.

They did not consent to this at all. The games are designed like that. To bury the players in guilt and horror of having killed ten other players much like them.

Sunk cost fallacy in their minds is now weighed down by blood and the knowledge of ten fellow players bodies impacting on the ground.

Now, Gihun is starting to retreat into himself more. His quieter side will show up, the storm at rest.

Sangwoo is looking at Gihun so concerned and worry. My sangihun heart you all. These bastards break it. 😤

Player 244 is using religion to excuse his role.

Jiyeong beef with the pastor is great. Heartbreaking with her backstory but great.

Gihun hyperventilating. Sangwoo's look of concern.

Jiyeong she accepts. Saebyoek orders quiet.

The elevator ride from hell is over.

Jiyeong wants to know her crush's name. And Saebyoek is like no.

Deoksu being a sore winner. The look of absolute shock on his and his team's is gold.

Minyeo's death glare is on par.

Cleanup and its always disturbing. Especially with the floor vents collecting bloodied water.

That answers that question I had. Of Junho knowing how they dispose of the bodies.

Pretty good teamwork in sick twisted way. The organ harvesting ring.

Minyeo is full of praise for both Sangwoo and Ilnam. I am bitter af still.

Matrix reference for first time.

Ali's impression of Minyeo is comedy gold.

Whose the leader? Points to Sangwoo, nope. 2nd in command.

Gihun had been quiet the entire scene so far.

Gihun calling Minyeo "grandma" lol.

Gihun's side look at Sangwoo. Like about time you figure that out. Gihun @ Sangwoo.

Lights out in 10 minutes again. This schedule makes no sense.

Worried about another night riot for a correct reason.

Priest 244 is so bloodthirsty and Jiyeong is so disgusted with him. Gihun being like no killing the other players at all. As Gihun knows he and them have commonality.

Gihun's backstory providing his idea of cover.

It's time for verbal domination round 1.

Target: Smug, cocky ass Deoksu approaching the leader "the official one"

Gihun using mind games and breaking him by talking by just asking two questions. Gihun's team is built through some trust, while Deoksu's team once he eliminates the other players will turn on each other.

Gihun looks at him first though. Calculating how to approach this threat display.

Conclusion: Deoksu retreats with tail tuck behind his legs. My BAMF baby right here folks, Seong Gihun.

Deoksu looks like he been through shit. As Gihun is terrifying in arguments.

He would argue with any deity if he could. Also, get into a fight with them.

Player 278 is like your backing down is weakness I am going to exploit.

Where is the doctor, Bygeong-gi? The question should be why the doctor?

Sorry a little reference to Infinity War, I threw in there. Cannot help myself.

Much like how they cannot help themselves by making this bizarre music in line with a pantomime.

Once again an exploit is used. I wonder if Fruitloop is aware of it.

Fruitloop is Inho.

Gihun suggesting watch, Sangwoo agrees.

Feck ageism. Sangwoo volunteers first big of him. Ali joins him.

Then Gihun tells Ali sternly to wake him up when he is tired. Dead serious he is.

Ilnam volunteers too.

The fires are hellish still with pink suits too. Bedtime for all.

The gold piggy bank is stupid. As it's an insult to real life pigs.

Ali giving corn cob is a show of altruism that must be celebrated and adored. Which I will.

Sangwoo is like I don't want to die. Sangwoo splits it in half.

33 years old, I thought he was 31. Big doh moment from me.

Sangwoo telling Ali to call him by his name. Aah.

Wife and baby come with him to make money and provide for both families in Pakistan and South Korea.

And Sangwoo answers the same way as Ali to make money. Weird.

28 confronting Junho. Saying I owe you, I save you from being killed we are even.

The sheer odds and how lucky Junho is. He just so happened to kill a worker who is teamed with others in a organ harvesting ring, an illegal one.

The gore in this series is creepy awesome but creepy terrifying too. 😳.

So, Bygeong-gi was a surgeon.

Chips in their masks, even they are branded with a number.

No delivery last night. Okay triangle 🔺️ is so pissed.

Bygeong-gi is like I am sleep deprived, trying to prevent my death every night, shut tired glare.

Extra food and info on games. And triangle 🔺️ behind Bygeong-gi foreshadowing his later attempt to kill him before the big boss catches them red handed.

Gihun is waking up from a very bad nightmare to Sangwoo saying it's his turn.

Sangwoo is so close to Gihun adjacent wise. And his concern is admirable.

Gihun is so quick to deflect.

Deoksu cannot sleep either, as Bygeong-gi has not returned.

And I highly doubt that's true. The nursing staff doing operations part.

Bygeong-gi referring to his fellow dead player as a thing. Ugh it spreads.

Junho is quietly observing them all.

Gihun holding onto that pole for dear life as traumatic flashbacks are playing in his head the entire time here.

Literally watching him being beaten, eek.

Ilnam is concerned, Gihun use as the old days.

Strike, barricade, make car parts which is a type of engineering.

Gihun's backstory is heartwrenching. Ruined the company and held us responsible.

The inspiration for this backstory, that 2009 strike lasted 77 days.

June 8 was end of the strike when police brutally shut it down with tear gas and other methods of control.

The real life strikers and Gihun are/likely still blacklisted from any jobs in engineering.

Back to organ theft plotline. As once again that poor player is referred to as an it.

Good she glared at you with one eye, you deserve that and more. Red Light, Green Light.

Okay, so Bygeong-gi knew beforehand that death equals elimination. Even before the first game.

Junho's attention is caught by "one kidney".

Sign up away their bodies or terminally ill.

Gihun being so concerned and caring for Ilnam, trying to lower his fever. Saebyoek giving Gihun water.

Gihun is relieved. Junho asking questions, bad timing. You beat it to death.

Junho is good at improv. He is preparing to fight his way out. And he is saved by Bygeong-gi snapping.

Can you all please stop using zombie and it to describe the player. I hope you all pay soon.

Ilnam saying thank you friend makes the next episode "Gganbu" and the finale "One Lucky Day" even more heartbreaking, nightmare fuelish and infuriating. On Gihun's side that is.

Gihun saying cannot start the next game without you, my heart.

Saebyoek and Gihun keeping watch. Daughter Mother energy right there.

Water is not for free though. Soon, she will reciprocate though.

Trouble in organ harvesting paradise!

Bygeong-gi holds knife to throat, takes him hostage.

28 and Junho are headed to the boat.

Junho stop standing there. You are arousing suspicion.

On this rocky, risky sideplot B from hell.

Bygeong-gi is so mad. I don’t blame him. They cannot ask the Frontman though as he is intentionally fishing them out.

Now, Bygeong-gi stabs that guard to death.

Bombs are the best Chekov's gun ever. In any series.

I mean the explosives can be used to kill VIPS, just saying.

Fair warning, when we get to episode 7. I will formulate murderous like plans for the VIPS.

Junho like surprised at a knife.

The facility is just as creepy as it is in the dark. How is that possible?

Evil fun house of doom. The doctor is injured and alone. Now, armed with tire iron rod. The player doctor captive has escaped.

Well he blew it. He lasted two to three days. Unmasking death threat.

Now show me yours, do you want to die. Junho is so good at boomeranging phrases back.

Junho is so pissed on the perceived threat to Inho. As that is big of Inho to donate his organ.

Two back to back confrontations both engaging.

See we are all the same here. Same being a multitude of bad and good things.

Guard switchblade, ready to backstab.

Hwang bros shooting targets at nearly the same time with same shooting style.

Junho kill that rapist, kill that rapist now. Junho, I stan you so hard. I am so proud 👏.

Feck you. Men can be raped. Feck you.

Oh Junho gets player archive information now.

Leader oh the one in black, mask not the same.

Junho to team up offer: hell no. Both of them hate teaming up with other people except for a sole exception. Named Gihun.

The Frontman is ascending into a proper fruitloop now as he literally says he does not care what they do with organs sell them or ....eat them. Fruitloop with all due respect, WTF?

And the angles of both brothers in the shadows. Peak camera shots.

Equality and fairness. They suffer from inequality in here too.

You have failed me best silent delivery ever.

The water is so ectoplasmic looking. It's creepy.

Bygeong-gi dies. Now, the Frontman is investigating a crime scene. Interesting did the Frontman hear Junho's shooting of the lock?

Junho under a trapdoor. Looking cute and freaked out. A badass still learning the routes.

Uh oh, Frontman knows a cop is here. Seriously he carves the bullet out.

Sirens 🚨 🚨 again. Everyone is confused. Players are woken up. They can never get any sleep here at all.

Junho's cover is blown. He finds an archive room filled with so much info.

Finding info under intense pressure. Junho being a badass.

Junho has an oral fixation too?

Inho shuts down everything, under lock down.

Ilnam is now being threatened and so is Gihun for being concerned.

Gihun's look of compassion.

Since 1988 the games have been going on.

Gift wrapped box details all the winners and Inho is 2015 player 132.

Junho's determination is so cute and lovely.

It ends.

[chattercap]

Monthly Update: May 2025

Hello everyone, happy May!

It's a bit of a long one this time, so I'll get right into it.

What did I do this month?

I started off the month absolutely raring to finish refactoring my code to add much needed QOL features, including rollback and controller support, so that it would finally all be ready for my planned releases in the summer. However, after wrestling with the code for around a week, I ran into a frame rate issue that I simply could not fix, even in a completely empty project.

After tearing my hair out for around 6 hours working on it, I made a 4AM decision (which is apparently when I make all of my semi-significant game dev decisions): I would try out a new game engine.

If any of you have played my games since Karamu, you know that I originally worked in Unity. This was for a variety of reasons, but mainly I was a novice dev and I wanted a flexible engine that would allow me to target mobile devices. After the Unity pricing debacle a couple of years ago, I swapped to Godot because it was open-source and would allow me to reuse my C# code that I wrote for Unity. It was also the only open-source engine that supported the 2D animations that I used. However, of course, after the 2D animations weren't supported on Android for the longest time and proved to be controversial (some people did note that they were the only things they didn't like about my games, haha!), I decided to drop them - and there was really no reason for me to stick with Godot, other than sunk-cost fallacy.

Most of you probably enjoy OELVNs, and if so you're probably familiar with Ren'py. It's a game engine designed specifically for making visual novels, which is why it's so popular in the indie VN space, and it comes with most of the features that you would like when playing or making a VN. This included a lot of features that I wanted to implement myself in Godot, including rollback and controller support. Ren'py also runs rather well on a wide variety of platforms, both when making and playing games - which was ultimately the reason that I decided to try it for a few weeks.

Without getting into the nitty gritty, I spent the latter half of the month working in Ren'py, and I found it to be wonderfully easy, convenient to use, and logically organized. I pretty quickly implemented the GUI for My Husband is a Stranger and Project R, and also implemented the basic script, voice acting, and game selection for the Karamu trilogy.

You can check out some of the screenshots sprinkled in between the wall of text here (it's all looking very spiffy, if I do say so myself! A big thank you to my talented GUI artists, Kathaeris and Elduator!)

Since everything is going rather well, I've decided to shift all of my future projects to Ren'py for the time being. This includes My Husband is a Stranger, Project R, the Karamu trilogy, the MindMindMind Android port (I hope to make a Web build of this one as well since the assets are pretty lean?), and the full version of The Deepwater Witch (+ other various unannounced projects).

Here is a (not definitive) list of features that I will be removing/changing because of the change in engine:

-The speech bubbles will not dynamically resize to fit the size of the text. This isn't impossible to implement, but it's a little more work than it's worth. Instead, speech bubbles will remain a static size for several lines until I manually change them. I don't think this in particular should bother anyone, but this will lead to a few other changes as well.

-Because the speech bubbles aren't dynamically sized based on the size of the text, I will be removing the ability to choose the font size. I will, of course, make the default font size relatively large and readable (I want everyone to be able to experience my games without getting headaches, after all!) It just doesn't make sense to accommodate smaller text sizes that won't fit well in the speech bubbles.

-I will also be limiting the amount of chooseable fonts. Beforehand I basically added as many fonts as I thought was reasonable (6 with MindMindMind… I basically just kept adding fonts as I made more games…) since more options = better, but because I'll be manually sizing the text bubbles from now on, I'll need to check that the sizes work for each font. To make this doable, I'll probably be limiting the font options to 4: a serif font, a sans-serif font, Open Dyslexic, and Atkinson Hyperlegible. If you have any requests for accessibility fonts, please let me know and I'll try to accommodate those as well!

-I'll be removing the dark and light reading options. It's not impossible to implement in Ren'py, but it's a little more difficult. Instead, I plan to use a more varied amount of speech bubble designs and layouts that are designed to fit the overall presentation of the games better.

Here are features that will be added in my Ren'py games:

-All of Ren'py's built-in QOL features 🙏. If you're a visual novel enjoyer, these will probably be familiar to you, but they include: rollback, quick save/load, optional self-voicing, full controller and keyboard navigation, etc.

-Better performance and platform support (I hope). From what I've heard, Ren'py games are a bit faster and easier to run than either Unity or Godot games, on a wider variety of operating systems. My Godot games also didn't run on MacOS Monterey at all for some reason, which shouldn't be a problem in Ren'py (unless I am somehow cursed by the Apple gods). As I mentioned before, I plan on adding Android builds for my future games, and with Ren'py I will also look into adding Web builds (if I can - a lot of my games will be a little too heavy for it, most likely!)

For anyone who just wants to play my games, the tl;dr of all this nonsense is: I'll be making games faster, they should run better, and I'll be trading some QOL features for much more helpful and better QOL features. For anyone who plays a lot of OELVNs, essentially you should expect my games to run like and have the same features as most of the other games you play 😂

What will I be doing this month?

Since this month is Otome Jam, I really want to release something for it! The last Karamu part needs to cook a little bit longer because I'm waiting on some assets, but I plan on releasing the demo for My Husband is a Stranger, likely sometime next month. For that, I'll be working on the final CGs and coding in the script. If I have time, I'll also work on putting together the CGs for the demo of Project R and tinkering away on the Karamu trilogy and the MMM port.

Thank you to everyone who's following along, and see you next month!

Chattercap

[aihoshiino]

chapter 146 thoughts

This chapter (and thus this chapter review) contains discussion of abuse, suicidal ideation and CSA, so if you're not in the headspace for that, skip this one and I'll see you next time.

we are so oshi no back

After last chapter left me fighting for my life to come up with literally anything to say about it, this was one of those chapters where I ended up having more and more to say about it the more I turned it over in my head. It still feels a bit disjointed and has that same issue of ripping through the events of the movie way too fucking fast that the arc as a whole has been having lately but this chapter was such a breath of fresh air I can't bring myself to care.

The chapter itself is more or less split in two, with one half dedicated to 15 Year Lie's in-universe events and the other focusing a bit on Aqua and Kana for, tbh, the first time in way too long. Admittedly, my enthusiasm for 15YL has waned given the reveal of just how much of it is completely made up but like. I'm still gonna over analyze this stuff. Sunk cost fallacy, don't fail me now!!!!

I joke, but the 15YL section of this chapter was legitimately bone chilling. That barrage of cuts following Uehara's attack on Airi…. fuuuuuuuck, man.

Airi herself is pure fucking poison this chapter too and I mean it in the best way. I continue to be incredibly impressed with how OnK understands the motivations of a person like Airi what her abuse of Hikaru is really about. When discussing this in 141, Miyako points out just how often victims of abuse can themselves go on to perpetuate their own pain out of a need to try and regain their dignity, but I think what Airi seeks in her abuse of Hikaru is control. We see how often she wields her power over him while pretending that he has as much agency as she does in their """relationship""" and it's repeated here, too; she throws the results of her own sexual abuse of him in his face as a way of permanently chaining the two of them together, all while tearing down his worth as a person as if to 'prove' he deserves to be trapped in her grasp. I've said before that Akasaka is unsettlingly good at writing toxic mothers but I think Airi has made it pretty clear that Akasaka understands and is thus excellent at writing abuse and abusers in general, and for someone like me who counts that as one of their favourite Themes (tm) in fiction, I feel quite well fed.

The abuse Airi hurls at him is also interesting from a perspective of paralleling Hikaru even further with Ai. We saw snippets of this in 140, of Hikaru characterizing himself as someone desperately trying to construct a version of himself that can be loved by others the same way Ai creates 'Ai of B-Komachi', a version of herself who can give and receive love in the way she thinks her authentic self is unable to. Airi puts this into more explicit words; Hikaru must construct this fake version of himself because there is no 'real' him and thus, he is inherently unlovable. Jesus Christ.

Knowing those words were swimming around in his head, it makes the HKAI scene that follows even more of a gutpunch than it already is. It's the most wonderful kind of miscommunication tragedy - with their respective traumas, there is basically no other way a talk like that could have gone and yet it's agonizing to see it play out. Ai's innocent cruelty in the face of Hikaru's pain and her suffocating smile… the worst part is, while I completely understand why this was so shattering for Hikaru, it's impossible to miss that this was, in a way, an expression of love from Ai; it was honesty, an admission of vulnerability. She herself even says she doesn't want to lie to him. But to Hikaru, what else could that have sounded like but a confirmation of his most godawful fear?

that said. the timeline here is very confusing. this seems to imply hkai were still dating all the way up to the murder-suicide, which seemed to be just before the dome concert but did the breakup really seem that recent during their phone call?? this whole timeline is penised beyond repair.

The art in this chapter in general is incredibly good but something in particular I want to highlight is how much and how often Aqua-as-Hikaru looks like Ai in these panels. I can't put my finger on what it is, but that similarity always makes me feel so warm and sad whenever I see it. For as much as he struggles with his relationship to her, Aqua really is his mother's son through and through.

and. man. what even is there to say about that scene in the rain and everything that follows. I was't sure if the murder/suicide was going to be featured in the movie but even the brief snippet of it that we got and that barrage of scene titles and Kamiki's silent scream… whoof. shit like this makes me really hope we get to see mengo illustrate a horror manga someday because i think she would absolutely kill it.

We cut back to reality to see Aqua reading the script and in perhaps the most interesting swerve in this chapter, we see that he has once again reverted to his double black hoshigans. And uh, am I going to sound like a terrible person if I say I'm really glad for this? LOL.

Obviously I would rather Aqua not be experiencing Suicidal Ideation (Bass Boosted) 24/7, but it's kind of a relief to see that one single conversation wasn't enough to totally shake Aqua out of that headspace. I've talked a lot about how frustrating I find it that 'Ruby finds out Aqua is Gorou' is treated as the finale to her black hoshigan arc and every ongoing thread, internal and external, attached to it was dropped like a rock with no further interrogation. It robbed Ruby of the opportunity for some really important growth and, imo, was just shitty for Kana and Memcho who were treated extremely poorly by her and got no apology for it. I was really worried this would be the case for Aqua as well and that his own dip into that rancid headspace would end on a wet fart which would really sting given just how little insight we've gotten into him this arc. But this chapter makes it clear that while some cracks have started to form in his armor, he's not in the clear just yet.

i mean, even if he was permanently back to one white star, aqua is such a little freak regardless………………………….

What this means in the long term is a little hard to pin down, both because we've had so little insight into Aqua's headspace this arc and because the exact nature of black hoshigan as a symbol has always been a little Calvinballed, but in this context and for Aqua specifically, I think we can read this as his conviction in the messy endgame of his revenge play being shaken up. I, personally, have been reading the black hoshigan as of late as an expression of the sort of futureless despair that can become suicidal ideation, at least for Aqua; since immediately after Ai's death, we have gotten incredibly strong hints that Aqua is suicidal, his guilt-fueled desire to die and his desperate want to experience a happy future at war within him. He more or less explicitly says as such in 106, expressing that this break in their relationship is necessary for Ruby to be able to live on 'after he's gone' - which strongly implies that Aqua's revenge play is intended to end with his death.

Knowing that Ruby is Sarina wasn't quite enough to shake his conviction, but their talk in 143 was. I do think Ruby just giving him some straightforward affirmation was a good starting point but I also can't help but wonder, with the context that his white stars were not indicative of a permanent change, if hearing just how deeply Ruby still relies on 'Gorou's' presence in her life struck a nerve for him. Paraphrasing her from 143, she straight up says Gorou is the one who gives her life meaning. And if that's how it is, what exactly will happen if he's gone again..?

Obviously this is all still speculation because even when I am begging on hand and knee Akasaka is refusing to give us Aqua introspection but at this point I have to make a guess at SOMETHING if i am going to say anything remotely coherent about aqua in this arc, so

ANYWAY!! AQUA AND KANA HAVING A NORMAL ASS CONVERSATION FOR THE FIRST TIME IN GOD KNOWS HOW LONG!!! Ngl, it did give me a bit of a chuckle to see Kana voice the question of whether Aqua was getting too immersed in his role, given that people were accusing her of that back during the first round of the RBKN conflict.

I was also really surprised to see Aqua just outright say that yeah, he is at least flirting with suicidal ideation. Like - that's the first time he's said that out loud, to anybody??? In 143 he voices the less damning but still not great sentiment that he feels guilty for being alive but this is to my knowledge the first time Aqua has expressed his suicidal ideation out loud, let alone to anyone else. And… fuck, man! That's an absolutely terrifying thing to hear a friend say. No wonder Kana reacts like she does.

Because of my powers of Claire-voyance (read: basic pattern recognition and being in fandoms for 15+ years), I'm pretty sure people are going to be Very Mean to Kana about the way she chooses to respond to Aqua here but honestly? Not only did this tough love response feel very IC for her, but the clumsiness of it felt very honest to me. I think a lot of people in fandom lately just want characters to talk like fucking therapists all the time and have the Correct And Unproblematic Response to… well, situations like this. But Kana is an 18 year old girl who has her own share of issues and her friend she knows is dealing with his own huge amount of baggage just casually dropped an "i wanna kms" on her. All things considered, I think she handles it surprisingly well.

Because like… look at what Kana really says to Aqua here. She gives him some of their usual banter to diffuse the tension but then makes herself very clear: she does not want Aqua to hurt himself and makes him promise that he won't. It's clumsy and rough in the way Kana often is, but I think the important part - her sincere care for Aqua as her friend - really does shine through.

also cute that other people caught: Kana squishing Aqua's face seems to be an intentional callback to one of their on-stage interactions in Tokyo Blade, right down to Aqua making a identical scrunchyface to Kana. Extremely cute. I love it when Aqua is cute <3

Kana also being a person able to shake Aqua out of his black hoshigans also leans into something I've been hoping is going to pay off for a while now; the idea that Aqua's salvation is not going to come from any one, singular character but from the many different people who Aqua has built relationships with coming together when he needs them to support him. One of the things OnK has continually highlighted is the way isolation and lacking support systems warp and damage people's mental health and I think it would play excellently into that theme to have Aqua's support net, so to speak, to be wide enough to catch him no matter where he falls.

the product placement was very stupid but i did laugh pretty hard at it and then immediately go buy myself some potato chips so i guess it worked. genius mangaka aka akasaka.

All jokes aside, the note their talk ended off on was so lovely too. Aqua being honest enough to admit that being with Kana is fun and Kana getting all dokidoki and then quietly admitting she feels the same when she's alone… cute! But more than that, it highlights something about the AQKN dynamic I think is really important, regardless of whether their relationship is romantic, platonic, in laws, mlm/wlw hostility or whatever else; Kana is his friend and he can just be a normal boy and have normal fun with her without any ulterior motives. It's something Aqua doesn't really have in any of his other relationships so getting a reminder of that and what it means to Aqua was really good.

honestly i think i am just so starved of nice things happening to my son that seeing him opening up to one of his friends and admitting he has fun (HIS LAUGH!!!!!!) was like a shot of heavenly ambrosia for me. please can hoshino aqua have just one nice day.

OR UH… BASED ON THAT LAST PAGE…. PROBABLY NOT ANYTIME SOON….!!!

this is what i mean about this chapter giving me 5000000 things to talk about. kamiki is TALKING TO RUBY IN THE FLESH FOR THE FIRST TIME and i almost completely forgor.

why is he dressed like a dad about to take her out on a fishing trip, though

Ruby looks unusually solemn while she's praying, which is interesting. She's been pretty bright and high energy since 141ish so I'm curious what has her looking so comparatively dour. She's praying at a shrine, too, which means there's probably something on her mind. Nik (@akane-kurokawa) theorized that she's anxious about the upcoming scenes in the movie (LIKE, YOU KNOW, HER MOM'S DEATH) and until we get further insight on that, that's what I'm gonna assume too.

putting aside how Shrimptresting it is that Kamiki turned up out of nowhere like that, I can't help but note a certain horrible parallel between Uehara meeting young Hikaru in the rain with a black umbrella and Kamiki doing the same for his daughter…

cannot wait for that entire talk to get offscreened. lol.

break next week……………………………

[chromatic-lamina]

2024 Writing Roundup

I think I deleted my round up on the AO3-looking template, so, at the nnntthhhh hour, using it in text form, tagged by @hyperions-light . Thank you very much! I'm taking this from AO3. I've had a few meta on tumblr, but not many. I've got five fics outstanding for 2024, that I guess we'll see in 2025. I also didn't do any secret santas this year (I told myself I was too busy). It was a bit strange! Anyway--

words posted: 28,656 on main, and 12,362 on anon

additional words written: not sure what this means. I didn't have too many meta, so I'd say about 500? Ooh, wait, unpublished zine pieces: about 8000.

fandoms: One Piece

highest kudos: It's been a quiet year (no Bioluminescent Hearts this year!) so Heart Pirates' Week at 47 kudos. 72 on anon, and cumulatively, Dark like the North Blue Sea (aka The Sea-Hill you Die On) drew in 336 kudos. valuta , which was published in late December 2023, 92 kudos.

highest hit one-shot: Decomposers, my fic for the LawZo zine, has 586 hits. Fic on anon, 5,500 hits (but it's not a one-shot!).

new things I tried: I did the Davy Back Fight <- fic here, written with 3 others, and the remix project <- fic here. I was happy to try both!

fic I spent the most time on: Probably Welding, which was written for the KidLaw zine, just because the timeline/schedule on preparation for that zine stretched across almost two years. Also, it had a higher word count, and I really wanted to do it right (as with most pieces!).

fic I spent the least time on: Probably Sunk Cost Fallacy, which is a Heart Pirates fic written for the Davy Back Fight. Mostly because it was written between four people, and we wanted to keep a fairly low word limit. The ficlets I wrote for the Heart Pirates' Week took longer, but not that long.

favourite thing I wrote: It's a draw between three: Welding (6,767 words), my KidLaw fic; Decomposers (3,006 words), my LawZo fic; and water fills the shape of the holder (2,125 words), Law reflection fic, remixing one of @purplehairedwonder's fic.

I also had fun with the Kaidou, Queen, King and Black Maria piece (Remedy for Errors) I wrote for @crowbarsolo in support of Palestine, and Widi's Waddle (about Penguin's penguin), written for the OP Friend-Shaped Zine.

favourite thing(s) I read: Aw, a ton of stuff. I always like @anarchycox's LawZoLaw (also a great SmoLaw, but I'm not sure if it was this year), and all of the stories for the LawZo and KidLaw zines. I especially liked @alpha-hydra's Liminal Space (KidLaw), beautiful story by @/gammacavy from 2022 (The Caravel who Dared the Tempest) about Going Merry, but I just read it this year, and anything @crowbarsolo wrote, but especially the Cavendish/Nico Robin piece The Special Guests. ALSO! must mention home (the gilded lily remix) by @gladdecease who wrote a beautiful story springboarding from an older story of mine (house / yorishiro). Also loved Only You And I Remain (KidLaw) by @betsib and Give it to me, show me what you're feeling (show me that you need me) (LawZo) by @/CursedHoneyB. Maybe just check out my bookmarks (watch out for the kink!). Have been reading the multi-chap Warsong about my favourite rarepair, MarcoLaw, but it might've just gone beyond my word count limit (it's about 100K beyond my limit. Haha). It is beautifully written, though.

Give @hyperions-light's The Road(trip) to Hell Is Paved with Questionable Decision Making a read! It's a lot of fun, but all of their work is good (paying back, but also true!) They write under @flyiing-giraffe

Two more!

I'm really enjoying the Going Merry: A Poor Substitute for Romance series by Springtime4Persephone. Focus is ZoSan, and I'm not a ZoSan shipper, but I enjoy it, and what I enjoy even more is the LawBin, and side servings of ZoLaw and LawSan. Very empathetic, fun and also a good serving of angst. Also, @/TerrifiedAristocat's Somebody Write Down the Recipe (LawSan, vampire and creatures of wonder in a modern day setting) is very good. Ongoing. Last two are E ratings.

Also, there are a dozen things I've read and loved and haven't mentioned here. I read a lot less this year though. All of the stuff for the Heart Pirates' Week was great, and I really enjoyed the beginning of ghosts speak in whispers and lies; can't know what's real 'til you're the one who's died (E rated, LawBin) by @nehswritesstuffs (Nehszriah) on AO3.

writing goals for 2025: None so far. Maybe return to my own work (rather than fanfic). BUT, who knows :D

new works: Again, nothing lined up at the moment. I do have a story in the gorgeous Pigment of Imagination (ophuezine). Pre-sales open now (closing soon). And four ficlets for the upcoming Fate and Fortune, one piece anthology digital zine. Stay-tuned for both! OH, also, I have a piece for the Baltigo Manifesto zine (about one piece revs). Due for publication in 2025.

tagging: only do it if you want to! (and I know there's not much time, and I know you might've already finished!). @purplehairedwonder , @ninhaoma-ya , @anarchycox , @kookoofufu (even if you don't play on tumblr anymore :D), @fowlfics @starlightbelle and anyone, anyone who'd like to play.

[juneibyou]

at some point i realized i had sunk-cost-fallacied myself into splitting my presences into "not a freak trust me" and "absolutely a freak" which ironically just ended up feeling way more weird. my goal now is to be very obviously a total freak you just don't see the worst of it on here

[sadieshavingsex]

I think I've really started figuring out something about relationships and why mine seem to end so intensely. So this is just a little thought experiment, and, as always, I'm not an expert and I'm mostly writing this to talk to myself - take what resonates and leave the rest! So without further ado...

I think that these are some of the most basic ingredients a good relationship can have:

each partner having a baseline ACCEPTANCE of the other person and the ability to "let them do them" authentically

each partner being able to set BOUNDARIES that allow them to continue "doing them," as well as being able to tell the other "no" and stand up for themselves in order to keep those boundaries in place

each partner being COMFORTABLE with the concept that the relationship MAY NOT WORK OUT and truly being okay with stopping the relationship if it begins to go south

When these things start to get compromised, all hell breaks loose and you start the really vicious insecure attachment style cycles we've all come to know and love.

First of all, if someone starts to feel, for whatever reason, that this relationship "MUST WORK OUT," you are headed for disaster - this will create a scenario where at least one person in the relationship is more susceptible to letting go of their own boundaries if the other person asks. If there is any kind of question of the other partner not being able to accept them or their boundaries, the partner who feels things need to work out will simply let go of their boundaries for the sake of the relationship rather than stand up for themself or be able to walk away. Then you have a situation where boundaries are disintegrating and acceptance of the boundaryless partner is potentially starting to become conditional, so you've got the other two pillars of the safe relationship starting to fall.

Soon enough, you're in a very deep cycle. Putting aside your own boundaries for another person, no matter who they are, starts to breed resentment, and you start to feel unaccepting feelings toward the other person's behavior and probably feel that you're participating in an unequal power dynamic where they are making the rules of the relationship. Without your own boundaries, you likely start to impinge on your partner's - if you have to give up so much to be with them and earn their acceptance, they'd better be giving up the same! And then, the more that either of you give up, the more you probably start to subscribe to the sunk cost fallacy - you've changed so much for this person, so now you have to stay together even more, because this relationship would just be a total failure and violation otherwise.

FRIEND. Let me just say it right here from the start: if you stick to the three pillars above, you will probably be able to maintain a much healthier relationship with your partner and yourself!!! Because when you are not bending over backwards in ways that harm you, it's likely that you expect less of that from your partner as well. If you maintain the boundaries, it's probably easier to maintain your acceptance of each other, too. And if you keep your comfort with being alone, you're able to decide to leave in a respectable, peaceable way if the other relationship pillars start to fall in a way that makes you uncomfortable. I feel like these 3 pillars are the way to have a healthy, happy relationship with realistic expectations, that can still end really amicably if it needs to! But if you lose one the whole thing comes crashing down.

[oonajaeadira]

TAG GAME!

Thanks for the tag, @walkingaline!!!

Tagged by: @walkingaline

Name(s): Adira. There are others, but that's what you get.

Pronouns: she/her

Other blogs: I have sideblogs I started for the Pedro boys I write for, all of them starting with @adira-writes - as well as my "I only want to read your stories, not your bullhonky, Adira" blog, @oonajaeadira-writes. And the past project @yearofcreation2023

Zodiac signs: Gemini sun, Pisces moon, Libra rising. It pretty much all tracks.

A book you love: I can't believe I jumped on a hype train, but Jessie Inchauspé's Glucose Method combines basic recipes that even I can cook and understandable scientific theory that leaves wiggle room for individuality. As someone who loves carbs and sugars, I've learned how to eat in a way that makes me crave them way less and I'll be forever thankful for that. Also, lots and lots of pretty food pics.

A musician or band you love: The Beatles. I grew up listening to them and that's why I made the worst mistake of my life a few nights ago and watched the Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band movie. Listen. Listen to me. I love the Bee Gees. And Alice Cooper and Aerosmith are okay by me. Netflix sent me a heads up that it was going to be gone at the end of the month and I've never seen it so I'm like why not. I'll tell you why not, why I should have not-ed, why you should never: It is abominably bad, so much so that I may have actually scarred myself, that I can't stop hearing the songs--but not the songs from the film. I hear the Beatles' versions and yet they are now linked with the insipid, terrible, hamfisted scenes from that film and I hate it. My childhood forever destroyed. You know, there was a moment where the sunk cost fallacy should have worked, a moment when I thought, this is a very bad thing and it isn't getting better and maybe I should just turn it off. But no. I wanted to say I'd seen it and now here we are and I'm really fkn mad I did that to myself. Advice: if your brain is telling you to just stop with a media, stop. And for the love of cheese and crackers, don't ever, EVER watch Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band the movie. Especially if you love the Beatles. Or you want to keep up the pretense that the Bee Gees never did anything wrong. Blech. It's like a lingering aftertaste in my brains. If I could erase memories, it would be this, the Star Wars Christmas Special, and every Tom Cruise film I've ever seen. Except for Legend. Because Tim Curry.

A movie you love: Legend.

A TV series you love: The Monkees.

Who are your celebrity crushes? There's a man named Pedro Pascal, maybe you've heard of him. He's on the cusp of getting huge, just you wait, you're gonna love him. Also: Wunmi Mosaku, Dev Patel, Keanu Reeves, Timothy Olyphant, Rahul Kohli, Gwendoline Christie, Margaret Qualley, Diego Luna, David Harbour.

The gif you use the most: It's gotta be one of these three:

tagging: @honestly-shite @grogusmum @miraclesabound @secretelephanttattoo @unbound-space-trash

[theamityelf]

"I think I like the story better if I'm not Hajime," Izuru says late one night.

They're in bed. Makoto's bed. Makoto's dorm. His head is on Makoto's chest, and Makoto's hand is slightly tangled in his hair. "Hm?" Makoto hums.

"I think I feel better about the story if I'm not Hajime. It feels nicer if Hajime is the idiot who left you and I'm the one who came to replace him. The better one."

Makoto is silent for a while before he quietly says, "I think...not wanting to be Hajime makes you more like him than ever." He sounds as if his throat has tightened. "It was kind of his biggest problem."

"Maybe. But if I were Hajime, then you shouldn't be holding me. He doesn't deserve your affection, after he abandoned you."

"Please stop saying that."

Izuru smells salt and quickly sits up, brushing away the tears on Makoto's cheeks. But he can't help adding, "How could I want to be someone who hurt you this badly?"

"It's not your fault. What Hope's Peak did to you wasn't okay. It wasn't right. You didn't know it would be...the way it was. And no one was there for you when it happened."

Caressing Makoto's face with his palm, Izuru sighs, "It doesn't feel like anger at myself, when I say that you forgive him too easily."

"Well, I guess that part is good; I don't want you to be angry with yourself. Especially not over something that was done to you."

"It was done to him to make me. And I'm glad. I'm better than him."

"Can I ask you not to insult my boyfriend, please?" Makoto says firmly.

Izuru subsides, cuddling into his chest again. "I've been insensitive."

"No. You've just been...honest. About how you feel."

"And how do you feel?"

"That doesn't matter."

Izuru turns his head. "Repeat that."

"I just mean...We're talking about your identity. I'm not trying to ask you to be Hajime for my sake if you don't want to be."

"I'm asking how you feel."

Makoto is stroking his hair again, soothing him, as he sits on his answer for longer than he needs to. Finally, he whispers, "The story feels better if Hajime came back for me. But if loving you means loving a new person who isn't Hajime, I can do that. I do love you, I mean."

"As much as you loved him?"

"That's not...I don't see things like that. My heart doesn't measure things that way."

Izuru nearly argues that that can't be true, for if Makoto is dating him and not Togami, then he must have some manner by which his heart measures how much it feels for someone relative to someone else. But he doesn't say it. Makoto isn't lying to him, so one of them must be missing something. Either way, pursuing the matter now might hurt him again.

"I love you," Makoto continues, "and I love Hajime. And I love you for your differences as much as your similarities."

"Is that comfortable for you? Loving us both?"

"Love isn't always comfortable."

The truism, the non-specificity of it, suggests an unwillingness to engage the question on a personal level. "Do you think you will ever be ready to grieve him?"

"I don't think he's dead. He became you- a different person who I also love."

"Sunk cost fallacy."

"What does that mean?"

He contemplates not answering but finds that he has a perverse need for this point to be understood. "It means you wouldn't love me if you hadn't loved him. You feel you have to love me because you loved him."

"Why are you torturing yourself about this?"

"Because Hinata didn't deserve you when he had you and deserved you less when he left you." It feels better to use his surname, to eschew familiarity. "How could he leave you?"

The hand continues stroking his hair. "Hajime didn't do anything wrong. He was exploited by the school. And you never asked for any of this. I'm not mad at either of you, and I don't want you to be either."

Izuru relaxes, slowly. "Then the school is the one that made you cry." He considers that. It might be romantic to find some way to punish the ones who killed Hinata, for Makoto's sake. Though Izuru is still glad that Hinata is gone and he is here, maybe Makoto would feel a sense of closure if something befell the ones who caused it. Maybe...

Makoto's voice pulls him back from deep internal deliberations of the most romantic way to visit revenge on the murderers of the ex-boyfriend of one's boyfriend.

"We'll figure things out together, okay? I'm glad you spoke up about not wanting to be called Hajime. And even if Hajime...didn't come back for me..." (The tightness in his throat again.) "...you brought me whatever parts of him still exist."

The suggestion that he has provided something valuable causes Izuru to purr. Though the hair-stroking plays a role in that, too. "I don't always not want you to call me Hajime," he finds himself saying. "Sometimes I like it."

There is a slight change in Makoto's heart rate. "O-Okay. Then, just let me know when your preferences change."

He's gotten Makoto's hopes up, again. Which seems like a correct or at least fitting thing for an Ultimate Hope to do- as he told himself frequently, back when he was using Hinata's name to keep Makoto close -but he hopes it doesn't lead to more sadness.

Izuru isn't the same person as the talentless who Makoto used to love. But sometimes he feels enough like a product of him, an updated software to the buggy original program, that the name feels right for him. And sometimes the name remains wrong but the act of obfuscating this feels like a more apt, more satisfying solution to the problem of Hinata- a way to be everything to Makoto, everything he needs. And sometimes there's a degree of schadenfreude- an answer to his resentment of the one who made Makoto unhappy and still hoards some fraction of his love -to wearing his name around like a trophy. A spoil. The pelt of a slain creature.

But Makoto probably wouldn't think him capable of the third feeling. The second one might cross his mind, but first one, the one where he is Hajime just a little, will be the interpretation he most wants to default to.

Izuru listens to the way Makoto's breathing slows as he falls asleep, the hand in his hair gradually stilling. Hinata didn't sleep with Makoto like this. Didn't get to appreciate the soft sound of Makoto's breathing, the gentle thrum of his heartbeat under his face. According to Makoto, Hinata slept over very rarely, and Hinata was too awkward to cuddle.

This space where he rests his head, where he feels Makoto's heart as acutely as the touch of a hand, is his space. Only his.

"I love you," he whispers. And because Makoto is asleep, he allows himself to add, "More than he did."

Because he would never leave.

[taxideermied]

Sometimes I wish I could be in a community without like…being in a community.

Maybe it’s a function of my constant difficulty to connect or maybe it’s just the long term frustrations I’ve had with social media but I feel like it can be so tiring to navigate your place in relation to others. Lurking online is sometimes—often times—more enjoyable.

Joy is fleeting while every perceived slight burns on. Irreparable social damage is only one click away. The bigotry du jour gets written off as discourse or drama (read: exhausting and/or juvenile) and the wheel keeps spinning.

Even if that wasn’t the case, true honesty feels impossible. What is an online space but a place for curation? Should I say that? What will people think? Is it boring? Is it clutter? Is that who I want people to think I am? No earnest attempt at sincerity meaningfully erases these questions, at least not for me. The fears are always there. They’re with me in real life, I can’t kick them off at the door like a pair of situationally necessary shoes. I promise I’ve tried.

And if there is no real honesty, is there real connection? In my experience there can be, but it’s in spite of the online barriers and not because of them. It takes time and a specific vulnerable social labor repeatedly offered and reciprocated bit by bit until the barriers become irrelevant. But how much time are you really willing to give, and how vulnerable are you really willing to be when it seems as easy for those around you to dismiss you as it is for them to listen? Do you feel welcomed here? Are you sure?

I’ve been around a lot of niche online spaces in my time and I don’t know if I’ve seen a community with as many “I was not made to feel as though I belonged” testimonies as therianthropy. Which is not to say that one doesn’t exist, but I’ve bounced off the sidelines of nonhumanity enough times to know that I am not entirely alone in that particular experience, no matter how alone I feel. And it sucks. It really sucks, because frankly there is little quite as important to me as my therianthropy. It is perhaps the single most stable aspect of my identity. It’s not something I want to sacrifice, and yet I’ve found myself increasingly more isolated from those I had once believed to be most similar to me. I once yearned to be an adult with the savvy to find my “pack” away from the suffocating normalcy of my parents and the “real world.” Now that I’m here, though, I wonder if I’m even wanted.

Maybe none of that would be the case if I had a therian community in person. Most of the issues I’ve outlined are more the fault of social media and my own insecurities than a specific failing of the broader therian world (though no doubt there are specific failings), but the reality is I’ll likely never know. My disabilities are extremely limiting in terms of my ability to leave the house for any length of time, and besides that, there is little hope of finding any offline community in my area. I’m not alone in that either. For most of us, online is the best shot we’ve got at finding like-minded friends, so when it sucks, it sucks that much more. It can be a genuine isolation like it was for me for many years.

So why do I keep coming back and trying? Okay, honestly, I have no idea. Maybe I think it will be better? More than likely it’s some kind of sunk-cost fallacy I can’t snap myself out of, but I like to believe it’s out of hope. I’ve posted before about how I was glad to see that the community has gotten more accepting, and that’s still true. I am glad. But eliminating old biases takes time, and a lot of the underlying tendencies remain, though admittedly now more obscure. There are acknowledgements of ableism and sanism that would have been unheard of a decade ago, but there are still ableist and sanist beliefs that go unchecked. Hopefully there comes a time when that’s not the case, but by then there will be more harmful beliefs in need of challenging.

Despite everything, I do want to be in this community. I want to believe I will have a place in it even if I don’t right now. Wishful thinking maybe. I don’t know if the online world will ever become easier for me, I don’t know if my anxieties will ever lessen, my disabilities certainly aren’t going anywhere, but I do know that the nonhuman community has infinite capacity for growth. I have to believe that it will become a space that encourages the dissolution of barriers. I have to because what’s the alternative?