#sunk cost fallacied myself here

[heuldoch7b]

just when you think things are going so well

[smileyobrien]

oh hello there

[charbies]

linktober 31 - HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

I thought for the last day I'd write a little retrospective on what this whole thing was like and what I learned. I'm too tired to draw literally anything else I'm due for a break lol

So this was my second time ever attempting a linktober/october drawing challenge, but my first time managing to complete all the days and prompts. I feel super proud of myself and accomplished for pulling it off.

There were a number of things that were surprising and that were challenging for me that I wasn't expecting this month. If anything, I think this challenge really highlighted my flaws and mental blindspots with how I approach making art.

For one thing, I came away from this not liking everything I made. I think I only like about 9 or 10 of the 30 pieces I put out there. When I don't like my art, I tend to get stuck in this mental stalemate of refusing to finish a piece until I like it, but also refusing to retrace my steps and erase/rework what I have so far for fear of losing progress or not being able to replicate the line/angle/color/etc that I liked.

It was surprisingly hard to accept when I didn't like a piece but had to move on for the sake of time and post it anyway. But once I did it a few times, it got easier. I realized prioritizing my standards over my available energy is not gonna promote progress. If I kept sinking myself into one piece and not moving on until it was optimal, I never would have finished anything-- that was the pitfall that ultimately made me bail out 10 days in last year.

I also realized my sunk cost fallacy/"what if I erase this and can never redraw it good again" stems from some real lack of confidence in my knowledge and techniques with art. I'm self-taught, and I think I tend to believe that everything I make is a dumb happy accident, even though I have mental rules when I draw, use tons of references, and have a process lol. There are a few pieces I started over 2-3 times before I got them right, and that's starting to feel liberating instead of like failing to me now, which I never expected to come out of this experience so that's cool.

Another place I had to learn to let go of control in this was with allowing for style variation. I really wanted each and every piece to be coherent and painterly, like they all came from the same book or something. But then I couldn't decide whether I wanted to do all/no lineart, all/no detailed background, all/no heavy rendering, etc. At the end I settled on just keeping the same canvas dimensions and just prioritizing filling up the space. Glad I ended up doing this, because I really would benefit from continuing to chill out and scale back how much I default to making dramatic, high-render pieces. I gotta break out of my comfort zone and make more sketchy little guys!

Sometimes my attachment to the prompts fluctuated; some prompts I thought I would love and then just wanted to get them over with. Some prompts I thought I would hate and subsequently half-ass, then I ended up redoing them and putting more effort & time into and loved the end result!

It was funny to also see how some pieces that I loved straight up did not get a whole lot of notes or attention. Some pieces I was "meh" about did crazy numbers lol. I'm used to posting maybe 5-6 times a year on here, so I'm usually indifferent to getting notes (by which I mean, I'm super grateful for likes & reblogs and the super sweet & funny messages in y'alls tags, but I'm not butthurt when I don't get notes because whatever happens, happens). Churning out 30 pieces in 30 days made me sometimes get bewildered by what did and didn't get notes, but frankly in the end I think it helps reaffirm that I should continue putting whatever I want out there because it! is! not! graded!!!

So would I do Linktober again? Probably not, sorry! it was a lot of time & effort and took me away from fall festivities more than I would have liked. I kinda only managed to pull this off because I was transitioning between jobs this month and had a week off to just draw. But I also completely see the value in taking on a challenge like this and finishing what I started, I'm super glad I did this, I think my art improved from it. I would definitely do future drawing challenges/prompt things that are quicker or have less prompts!

My advice to prospective future linktoberers: pace yourself and be gentle; this is a great chance to do something exciting and new with your art, but above all it's about you having fun. There are no prizes at the end except for what you've learned and how you feel about it, and that's for the best!!

One thing's for sure, I am zelda'd out lmao so I'll be branching out towards some little projects I have lined up for personal art and other fandoms I'm into right now

So anyway thanks to all of you who read this or who gassed me up this whole month, I appreciate you!!!!!!!! ヾ(＾∇＾)

[aihoshiino]

chapter 146 thoughts

This chapter (and thus this chapter review) contains discussion of abuse, suicidal ideation and CSA, so if you're not in the headspace for that, skip this one and I'll see you next time.

we are so oshi no back

After last chapter left me fighting for my life to come up with literally anything to say about it, this was one of those chapters where I ended up having more and more to say about it the more I turned it over in my head. It still feels a bit disjointed and has that same issue of ripping through the events of the movie way too fucking fast that the arc as a whole has been having lately but this chapter was such a breath of fresh air I can't bring myself to care.

The chapter itself is more or less split in two, with one half dedicated to 15 Year Lie's in-universe events and the other focusing a bit on Aqua and Kana for, tbh, the first time in way too long. Admittedly, my enthusiasm for 15YL has waned given the reveal of just how much of it is completely made up but like. I'm still gonna over analyze this stuff. Sunk cost fallacy, don't fail me now!!!!

I joke, but the 15YL section of this chapter was legitimately bone chilling. That barrage of cuts following Uehara's attack on Airi…. fuuuuuuuck, man.

Airi herself is pure fucking poison this chapter too and I mean it in the best way. I continue to be incredibly impressed with how OnK understands the motivations of a person like Airi what her abuse of Hikaru is really about. When discussing this in 141, Miyako points out just how often victims of abuse can themselves go on to perpetuate their own pain out of a need to try and regain their dignity, but I think what Airi seeks in her abuse of Hikaru is control. We see how often she wields her power over him while pretending that he has as much agency as she does in their """relationship""" and it's repeated here, too; she throws the results of her own sexual abuse of him in his face as a way of permanently chaining the two of them together, all while tearing down his worth as a person as if to 'prove' he deserves to be trapped in her grasp. I've said before that Akasaka is unsettlingly good at writing toxic mothers but I think Airi has made it pretty clear that Akasaka understands and is thus excellent at writing abuse and abusers in general, and for someone like me who counts that as one of their favourite Themes (tm) in fiction, I feel quite well fed.

The abuse Airi hurls at him is also interesting from a perspective of paralleling Hikaru even further with Ai. We saw snippets of this in 140, of Hikaru characterizing himself as someone desperately trying to construct a version of himself that can be loved by others the same way Ai creates 'Ai of B-Komachi', a version of herself who can give and receive love in the way she thinks her authentic self is unable to. Airi puts this into more explicit words; Hikaru must construct this fake version of himself because there is no 'real' him and thus, he is inherently unlovable. Jesus Christ.

Knowing those words were swimming around in his head, it makes the HKAI scene that follows even more of a gutpunch than it already is. It's the most wonderful kind of miscommunication tragedy - with their respective traumas, there is basically no other way a talk like that could have gone and yet it's agonizing to see it play out. Ai's innocent cruelty in the face of Hikaru's pain and her suffocating smile… the worst part is, while I completely understand why this was so shattering for Hikaru, it's impossible to miss that this was, in a way, an expression of love from Ai; it was honesty, an admission of vulnerability. She herself even says she doesn't want to lie to him. But to Hikaru, what else could that have sounded like but a confirmation of his most godawful fear?

that said. the timeline here is very confusing. this seems to imply hkai were still dating all the way up to the murder-suicide, which seemed to be just before the dome concert but did the breakup really seem that recent during their phone call?? this whole timeline is penised beyond repair.

The art in this chapter in general is incredibly good but something in particular I want to highlight is how much and how often Aqua-as-Hikaru looks like Ai in these panels. I can't put my finger on what it is, but that similarity always makes me feel so warm and sad whenever I see it. For as much as he struggles with his relationship to her, Aqua really is his mother's son through and through.

and. man. what even is there to say about that scene in the rain and everything that follows. I was't sure if the murder/suicide was going to be featured in the movie but even the brief snippet of it that we got and that barrage of scene titles and Kamiki's silent scream… whoof. shit like this makes me really hope we get to see mengo illustrate a horror manga someday because i think she would absolutely kill it.

We cut back to reality to see Aqua reading the script and in perhaps the most interesting swerve in this chapter, we see that he has once again reverted to his double black hoshigans. And uh, am I going to sound like a terrible person if I say I'm really glad for this? LOL.

Obviously I would rather Aqua not be experiencing Suicidal Ideation (Bass Boosted) 24/7, but it's kind of a relief to see that one single conversation wasn't enough to totally shake Aqua out of that headspace. I've talked a lot about how frustrating I find it that 'Ruby finds out Aqua is Gorou' is treated as the finale to her black hoshigan arc and every ongoing thread, internal and external, attached to it was dropped like a rock with no further interrogation. It robbed Ruby of the opportunity for some really important growth and, imo, was just shitty for Kana and Memcho who were treated extremely poorly by her and got no apology for it. I was really worried this would be the case for Aqua as well and that his own dip into that rancid headspace would end on a wet fart which would really sting given just how little insight we've gotten into him this arc. But this chapter makes it clear that while some cracks have started to form in his armor, he's not in the clear just yet.

i mean, even if he was permanently back to one white star, aqua is such a little freak regardless………………………….

What this means in the long term is a little hard to pin down, both because we've had so little insight into Aqua's headspace this arc and because the exact nature of black hoshigan as a symbol has always been a little Calvinballed, but in this context and for Aqua specifically, I think we can read this as his conviction in the messy endgame of his revenge play being shaken up. I, personally, have been reading the black hoshigan as of late as an expression of the sort of futureless despair that can become suicidal ideation, at least for Aqua; since immediately after Ai's death, we have gotten incredibly strong hints that Aqua is suicidal, his guilt-fueled desire to die and his desperate want to experience a happy future at war within him. He more or less explicitly says as such in 106, expressing that this break in their relationship is necessary for Ruby to be able to live on 'after he's gone' - which strongly implies that Aqua's revenge play is intended to end with his death.

Knowing that Ruby is Sarina wasn't quite enough to shake his conviction, but their talk in 143 was. I do think Ruby just giving him some straightforward affirmation was a good starting point but I also can't help but wonder, with the context that his white stars were not indicative of a permanent change, if hearing just how deeply Ruby still relies on 'Gorou's' presence in her life struck a nerve for him. Paraphrasing her from 143, she straight up says Gorou is the one who gives her life meaning. And if that's how it is, what exactly will happen if he's gone again..?

Obviously this is all still speculation because even when I am begging on hand and knee Akasaka is refusing to give us Aqua introspection but at this point I have to make a guess at SOMETHING if i am going to say anything remotely coherent about aqua in this arc, so

ANYWAY!! AQUA AND KANA HAVING A NORMAL ASS CONVERSATION FOR THE FIRST TIME IN GOD KNOWS HOW LONG!!! Ngl, it did give me a bit of a chuckle to see Kana voice the question of whether Aqua was getting too immersed in his role, given that people were accusing her of that back during the first round of the RBKN conflict.

I was also really surprised to see Aqua just outright say that yeah, he is at least flirting with suicidal ideation. Like - that's the first time he's said that out loud, to anybody??? In 143 he voices the less damning but still not great sentiment that he feels guilty for being alive but this is to my knowledge the first time Aqua has expressed his suicidal ideation out loud, let alone to anyone else. And… fuck, man! That's an absolutely terrifying thing to hear a friend say. No wonder Kana reacts like she does.

Because of my powers of Claire-voyance (read: basic pattern recognition and being in fandoms for 15+ years), I'm pretty sure people are going to be Very Mean to Kana about the way she chooses to respond to Aqua here but honestly? Not only did this tough love response feel very IC for her, but the clumsiness of it felt very honest to me. I think a lot of people in fandom lately just want characters to talk like fucking therapists all the time and have the Correct And Unproblematic Response to… well, situations like this. But Kana is an 18 year old girl who has her own share of issues and her friend she knows is dealing with his own huge amount of baggage just casually dropped an "i wanna kms" on her. All things considered, I think she handles it surprisingly well.

Because like… look at what Kana really says to Aqua here. She gives him some of their usual banter to diffuse the tension but then makes herself very clear: she does not want Aqua to hurt himself and makes him promise that he won't. It's clumsy and rough in the way Kana often is, but I think the important part - her sincere care for Aqua as her friend - really does shine through.

also cute that other people caught: Kana squishing Aqua's face seems to be an intentional callback to one of their on-stage interactions in Tokyo Blade, right down to Aqua making a identical scrunchyface to Kana. Extremely cute. I love it when Aqua is cute <3

Kana also being a person able to shake Aqua out of his black hoshigans also leans into something I've been hoping is going to pay off for a while now; the idea that Aqua's salvation is not going to come from any one, singular character but from the many different people who Aqua has built relationships with coming together when he needs them to support him. One of the things OnK has continually highlighted is the way isolation and lacking support systems warp and damage people's mental health and I think it would play excellently into that theme to have Aqua's support net, so to speak, to be wide enough to catch him no matter where he falls.

the product placement was very stupid but i did laugh pretty hard at it and then immediately go buy myself some potato chips so i guess it worked. genius mangaka aka akasaka.

All jokes aside, the note their talk ended off on was so lovely too. Aqua being honest enough to admit that being with Kana is fun and Kana getting all dokidoki and then quietly admitting she feels the same when she's alone… cute! But more than that, it highlights something about the AQKN dynamic I think is really important, regardless of whether their relationship is romantic, platonic, in laws, mlm/wlw hostility or whatever else; Kana is his friend and he can just be a normal boy and have normal fun with her without any ulterior motives. It's something Aqua doesn't really have in any of his other relationships so getting a reminder of that and what it means to Aqua was really good.

honestly i think i am just so starved of nice things happening to my son that seeing him opening up to one of his friends and admitting he has fun (HIS LAUGH!!!!!!) was like a shot of heavenly ambrosia for me. please can hoshino aqua have just one nice day.

OR UH… BASED ON THAT LAST PAGE…. PROBABLY NOT ANYTIME SOON….!!!

this is what i mean about this chapter giving me 5000000 things to talk about. kamiki is TALKING TO RUBY IN THE FLESH FOR THE FIRST TIME and i almost completely forgor.

why is he dressed like a dad about to take her out on a fishing trip, though

Ruby looks unusually solemn while she's praying, which is interesting. She's been pretty bright and high energy since 141ish so I'm curious what has her looking so comparatively dour. She's praying at a shrine, too, which means there's probably something on her mind. Nik (@akane-kurokawa) theorized that she's anxious about the upcoming scenes in the movie (LIKE, YOU KNOW, HER MOM'S DEATH) and until we get further insight on that, that's what I'm gonna assume too.

putting aside how Shrimptresting it is that Kamiki turned up out of nowhere like that, I can't help but note a certain horrible parallel between Uehara meeting young Hikaru in the rain with a black umbrella and Kamiki doing the same for his daughter…

cannot wait for that entire talk to get offscreened. lol.

break next week……………………………

[sadieshavingsex]

I think I've really started figuring out something about relationships and why mine seem to end so intensely. So this is just a little thought experiment, and, as always, I'm not an expert and I'm mostly writing this to talk to myself - take what resonates and leave the rest! So without further ado...

I think that these are some of the most basic ingredients a good relationship can have:

each partner having a baseline ACCEPTANCE of the other person and the ability to "let them do them" authentically

each partner being able to set BOUNDARIES that allow them to continue "doing them," as well as being able to tell the other "no" and stand up for themselves in order to keep those boundaries in place

each partner being COMFORTABLE with the concept that the relationship MAY NOT WORK OUT and truly being okay with stopping the relationship if it begins to go south

When these things start to get compromised, all hell breaks loose and you start the really vicious insecure attachment style cycles we've all come to know and love.

First of all, if someone starts to feel, for whatever reason, that this relationship "MUST WORK OUT," you are headed for disaster - this will create a scenario where at least one person in the relationship is more susceptible to letting go of their own boundaries if the other person asks. If there is any kind of question of the other partner not being able to accept them or their boundaries, the partner who feels things need to work out will simply let go of their boundaries for the sake of the relationship rather than stand up for themself or be able to walk away. Then you have a situation where boundaries are disintegrating and acceptance of the boundaryless partner is potentially starting to become conditional, so you've got the other two pillars of the safe relationship starting to fall.

Soon enough, you're in a very deep cycle. Putting aside your own boundaries for another person, no matter who they are, starts to breed resentment, and you start to feel unaccepting feelings toward the other person's behavior and probably feel that you're participating in an unequal power dynamic where they are making the rules of the relationship. Without your own boundaries, you likely start to impinge on your partner's - if you have to give up so much to be with them and earn their acceptance, they'd better be giving up the same! And then, the more that either of you give up, the more you probably start to subscribe to the sunk cost fallacy - you've changed so much for this person, so now you have to stay together even more, because this relationship would just be a total failure and violation otherwise.

FRIEND. Let me just say it right here from the start: if you stick to the three pillars above, you will probably be able to maintain a much healthier relationship with your partner and yourself!!! Because when you are not bending over backwards in ways that harm you, it's likely that you expect less of that from your partner as well. If you maintain the boundaries, it's probably easier to maintain your acceptance of each other, too. And if you keep your comfort with being alone, you're able to decide to leave in a respectable, peaceable way if the other relationship pillars start to fall in a way that makes you uncomfortable. I feel like these 3 pillars are the way to have a healthy, happy relationship with realistic expectations, that can still end really amicably if it needs to! But if you lose one the whole thing comes crashing down.

[theamityelf]

"I think I like the story better if I'm not Hajime," Izuru says late one night.

They're in bed. Makoto's bed. Makoto's dorm. His head is on Makoto's chest, and Makoto's hand is slightly tangled in his hair. "Hm?" Makoto hums.

"I think I feel better about the story if I'm not Hajime. It feels nicer if Hajime is the idiot who left you and I'm the one who came to replace him. The better one."

Makoto is silent for a while before he quietly says, "I think...not wanting to be Hajime makes you more like him than ever." He sounds as if his throat has tightened. "It was kind of his biggest problem."

"Maybe. But if I were Hajime, then you shouldn't be holding me. He doesn't deserve your affection, after he abandoned you."

"Please stop saying that."

Izuru smells salt and quickly sits up, brushing away the tears on Makoto's cheeks. But he can't help adding, "How could I want to be someone who hurt you this badly?"

"It's not your fault. What Hope's Peak did to you wasn't okay. It wasn't right. You didn't know it would be...the way it was. And no one was there for you when it happened."

Caressing Makoto's face with his palm, Izuru sighs, "It doesn't feel like anger at myself, when I say that you forgive him too easily."

"Well, I guess that part is good; I don't want you to be angry with yourself. Especially not over something that was done to you."

"It was done to him to make me. And I'm glad. I'm better than him."

"Can I ask you not to insult my boyfriend, please?" Makoto says firmly.

Izuru subsides, cuddling into his chest again. "I've been insensitive."

"No. You've just been...honest. About how you feel."

"And how do you feel?"

"That doesn't matter."

Izuru turns his head. "Repeat that."

"I just mean...We're talking about your identity. I'm not trying to ask you to be Hajime for my sake if you don't want to be."

"I'm asking how you feel."

Makoto is stroking his hair again, soothing him, as he sits on his answer for longer than he needs to. Finally, he whispers, "The story feels better if Hajime came back for me. But if loving you means loving a new person who isn't Hajime, I can do that. I do love you, I mean."

"As much as you loved him?"

"That's not...I don't see things like that. My heart doesn't measure things that way."

Izuru nearly argues that that can't be true, for if Makoto is dating him and not Togami, then he must have some manner by which his heart measures how much it feels for someone relative to someone else. But he doesn't say it. Makoto isn't lying to him, so one of them must be missing something. Either way, pursuing the matter now might hurt him again.

"I love you," Makoto continues, "and I love Hajime. And I love you for your differences as much as your similarities."

"Is that comfortable for you? Loving us both?"

"Love isn't always comfortable."

The truism, the non-specificity of it, suggests an unwillingness to engage the question on a personal level. "Do you think you will ever be ready to grieve him?"

"I don't think he's dead. He became you- a different person who I also love."

"Sunk cost fallacy."

"What does that mean?"

He contemplates not answering but finds that he has a perverse need for this point to be understood. "It means you wouldn't love me if you hadn't loved him. You feel you have to love me because you loved him."

"Why are you torturing yourself about this?"

"Because Hinata didn't deserve you when he had you and deserved you less when he left you." It feels better to use his surname, to eschew familiarity. "How could he leave you?"

The hand continues stroking his hair. "Hajime didn't do anything wrong. He was exploited by the school. And you never asked for any of this. I'm not mad at either of you, and I don't want you to be either."

Izuru relaxes, slowly. "Then the school is the one that made you cry." He considers that. It might be romantic to find some way to punish the ones who killed Hinata, for Makoto's sake. Though Izuru is still glad that Hinata is gone and he is here, maybe Makoto would feel a sense of closure if something befell the ones who caused it. Maybe...

Makoto's voice pulls him back from deep internal deliberations of the most romantic way to visit revenge on the murderers of the ex-boyfriend of one's boyfriend.

"We'll figure things out together, okay? I'm glad you spoke up about not wanting to be called Hajime. And even if Hajime...didn't come back for me..." (The tightness in his throat again.) "...you brought me whatever parts of him still exist."

The suggestion that he has provided something valuable causes Izuru to purr. Though the hair-stroking plays a role in that, too. "I don't always not want you to call me Hajime," he finds himself saying. "Sometimes I like it."

There is a slight change in Makoto's heart rate. "O-Okay. Then, just let me know when your preferences change."

He's gotten Makoto's hopes up, again. Which seems like a correct or at least fitting thing for an Ultimate Hope to do- as he told himself frequently, back when he was using Hinata's name to keep Makoto close -but he hopes it doesn't lead to more sadness.

Izuru isn't the same person as the talentless who Makoto used to love. But sometimes he feels enough like a product of him, an updated software to the buggy original program, that the name feels right for him. And sometimes the name remains wrong but the act of obfuscating this feels like a more apt, more satisfying solution to the problem of Hinata- a way to be everything to Makoto, everything he needs. And sometimes there's a degree of schadenfreude- an answer to his resentment of the one who made Makoto unhappy and still hoards some fraction of his love -to wearing his name around like a trophy. A spoil. The pelt of a slain creature.

But Makoto probably wouldn't think him capable of the third feeling. The second one might cross his mind, but first one, the one where he is Hajime just a little, will be the interpretation he most wants to default to.

Izuru listens to the way Makoto's breathing slows as he falls asleep, the hand in his hair gradually stilling. Hinata didn't sleep with Makoto like this. Didn't get to appreciate the soft sound of Makoto's breathing, the gentle thrum of his heartbeat under his face. According to Makoto, Hinata slept over very rarely, and Hinata was too awkward to cuddle.

This space where he rests his head, where he feels Makoto's heart as acutely as the touch of a hand, is his space. Only his.

"I love you," he whispers. And because Makoto is asleep, he allows himself to add, "More than he did."

Because he would never leave.

[threeletterslife]

Update

TL;DR: below the keep reading, vote on my update schedule

Hey everyone :) It's been a while—five months since I've last posted on this account and nearly a year since I've posted the 35th chapter of LOD

First and foremost, I want to apologize for being gone much longer than expected, and I will apologize again for being unable to offer more clarity about my absence, for now and in the future. Thank you to everyone who sent kind asks/messages checking up on me and to everyone who was invested enough in LOD to inquire about an update schedule. I felt a lot of guilt for not being active and for not delivering or meeting expectations, so just wanted to send out my sincerest apologies :')

I will attempt to answer the three most commonly asked questions I've gotten during my hiatus in this post:

Will you be continuing LOD?

Yes. As I've said time and time again, I will never abandon a story that I've invested so much of my time into. Call it sunk cost fallacy or delusion but I will finish LOD if it's the last thing I ever fucking do lol. Updates will be slow, however. But I promise you now that I will never actually leave. If I do suddenly disappear for years, that honestly means that I've died lol

When will you be posting a new chapter?

This depends on you guys. In all honesty, I have chapters 36 to 39 "ready" to publish. I am not in the position to write at this moment in time, so this would mean after I post chapter 39, there's no telling when the next update will be :( I have two options for you guys:

OPTION 1: I can post all of the chapters I have written in one go

Pro: You'll have access to all of the existing (and finished) LOD content, which is very well-deserved, so you can binge-read to your heart’s content

Con: You'll probably have to wait over half a year for chapters 40 and beyond

OPTION 2: I can post one chapter monthly/bi-monthly on a consistent schedule

Pro: I'll be able to buy some time (it'll take 4-7 months to post the remaining chapters) to write so that by the time I post chapter 39 (later this year or early next year), I'll most likely have chapters 40+ ready so you won't be as much in the dark about my future update schedule

Con: You'll only get one chapter every ~1.5 months. I also can't guarantee I'll have chapters 40 and beyond ready to go after I finally publish chapter 39 but I'd try my best

Are you alive? How are you doing? Are you okay?

I'm managing, though it's been a while since I've felt like I've been living. I've been in survival mode constantly for the past year, and it's quite draining. But the good news is that I'll be graduating next year with my degrees, so I expect I'll be freer then. I'm currently taking classes and working at my internship so I'm constantly inundated with projects and exams

I have been writing, though. That's one thing in my life that will never change. College has been hard on me, though it has also been such a privileged, fun, and rewarding experience. It helped me grow up or maybe even devolve in some ways. I've met some diabolical people around here, and have had not-so-great experiences that definitely forced me to become less trusting and stern. Sometimes I miss my old self, but I also know that I've grown into someone who can be more tolerant of the complete BS that is occasionally adulthood LMAO

Anyway, I'm extremely oversaturated with STEM everywhere I go, which given my majors, is a no-brainer. But I find great reprieve in art, especially art that I create to heal myself. So I've slowly come to realize that the content that I want to create—and the content that makes me happy to create—is not well-aligned with LOD. Over the past year, I've been working on small side projects, such as an original collection of short stories that I feel really at peace with. I've said it before and I'm saying it again, but LOD has always been my challenge piece. I don't dabble often in fantasy, and I wanted to give it a go; I'll finish what I've started. But I would also hate to reduce what LOD is to a simple word like "fantasy," though that was my excuse to avoid writing it for months. I actually think LOD's a lot more than that. In a way, it's a character study; it's not purely about the magic systems. In fact, I don't even think I put that much emphasis on the magic systems in the first place. It's more about the characters, and what the people have to go through during a war, which I've also realized becomes increasingly pertinent given the political climate right now

I'm getting into ramble-town territory, so I'll stop for now. I think with all that being said, I'm doing okay. I'm exhausted, but I'm also an incredibly privileged person, so I should be grateful for where I am in life right now and the people who have helped me rise to this level (you included!)

I'm excited to graduate, and I'm excited to write every single day once I start my full-time job. My life goal is to publish a book, though I don't think it'll be a novel—either a novella or a collection of short stories. Anyway, if you've come this far, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I will forever be grateful for this platform that I have and also be incredibly honored that people read what I put out here. I'll begin posting as soon as the poll is completed

Thank you for being patient with me, and I hope you stay happy and healthy <3

[woodsfae]

B5 s02e20 The Long, Twilight Struggle Table of Contents • previous episode

Wow, we're almost to the end of another season! It's been a really good one, despite my own rocky start with its beginning. It's been interesting how my perspective has shifted enough along the way that I had change of minds about my change of minds of some characters. In The Gathering I loved Garibaldi, then came to dislike him for his sexism, police brutality, abuse of position, stalking Talia, being a shit about his ex, and general cop-ness, but the writing really brought me around on him! Weirdly, I now believe he can and will be better.

Almost the same for Londo. I didn't really like him at all, came to like him a little, then was to be SO disappointed in him that now I'm just fascinated to see how far his moral depravity and Sunk Cost Fallacy-ing will go.

And on to the episode!

Their CGI planet is really lovely and colorful, and does look quite 3d! And it's Centauri Prime (presumably). Must be a Londo episode!

This guy is petting the throne. wtf Refa. Very blunt about the fetishization of power that's going on here.

Londo: "Lord Refa, I have come a long way, and I am tired. Is there a reason I have been summoned here, now?" Refa: "Indeed there is, I have good news. The war which began six months is about to end. Sooner than any of us could have hoped. And you, Londo Mollari, will be the architect of our victory."

ope, the Centauri are about to do some crazy war crimes, I see!

Finally, a sexy transparent glass silhouette showering scene! I've been waiting for this since the show started. Classy of them to make it be Sheridan.

Friendly Draal Planet!!! I hoped to see him again! How delightful! What a bad omen, though.

Delenn is becoming just…transcendently beautiful. The lighting and camera shots, her expressions and grace, are all just astonishing. I am glad she gets to see her friend again. Maybe some of the other serene characters will pop up for a reunion. I'd love to see the little telepath girl who went to Minbari, Janice the Healer, and Thomas Jinxo the Seeker of the Grail again, and I think they'd all get along well (or at least interestingly) together.

Draal, appearing before Sheridan fresh out of his shower: "I've been watching you for quite some time, Captain. And I thought it was time that I introduce myself. My name, is Draal. How do you do." *Minbari bow* Sheridan, damp and be-robed: "Uh, fine. I'm fine." Draal, who has no idea how to talk to humans: "Good. You don't have any idea who I am, do you?" Sheridan, who did his research on B5 tysvm: "Unless there's another Draal who can do what you just did, you're the Minbari who took custody of the planet we're orbiting." Draal: "Ah, Captain, you do not take custody of the planet, the planet takes custody of you!."

This made me laugh really hard. The planet really did take custody of Draal. Near-total isolation, but youth. idk if I'd go for that.

Details…details…lmao Draal.

The Narn…cannot catch a fucking break. Contact with an entire sector of colonies, lost. They're losing, although their official stance is that they're holding their own. I wish them and their counter attack well! One all-out strike with the majority of their forces is a hardcore strategy! They could lose everything.

G'Sten: "If we make them pay, for every inch of space, we can wear them down, prolonging the war beyond their capacity to fight it. Centauri want a quick victory: they don't have the stomach for prolonging the war."

He also says there will always be enough ships to defend their homeworld, but dang that still feels really risky. I am so excited to see a little of G'Kar's family. His uncle! And he's so kind, warm, and loving. The exact opposite of the way they were described by Delenn and the Centauri in season one. They both call the Narn cold, strange, impossible to empathize with. I hate to see anti Narn propaganda! They have risen highly in my estimation and I am rooting for them so hard.

The Centauri are going to bomb Narn from orbit with banned weapons and wipe out much of the entire population. To "save Centauri lives." War crimes, as I thought.

Everything depends on Londo. It's too late to back out. Bringing the pressure and the logical fallacies down on him! He bends, obviously, and is going to reach out to Morden for help carrying out the sick plan.

Londo: "All right. I will bring my assoociates into this, but this is that last time. We are Centauri. If we are to sieze our destiny, we must do it ourselves. After this, no more." What'shisface" "After this there will be no need! Thank you. Cheer up. By the time you return to Babylon 5 the war will be over, and the Narns will be at our feet. This time, we will keep them there."

Exactly. The Narns will not stop resisting, they will eventually gain their freedom again, and there will be another and another. You can't build an empire without horrifically violating sentients' rights, and those sentients are always going to resist.

Love Delenn's outfit today. I hope Draal won't be an ass about her hair.

Aw, so nice, Londo gets to go watch the Centauri genociding the Narns, live and in HD safe on a warship. How thoughtful. May he choke on the sight.

Dr Franklin is a real and good friend and a great anti-fascist comrade. Gathering deets from his Narn patients to give G'Kar as up-to-date as information as he can, as quick as he can.

Draal Planet light hearted B Plot, yay! And Delenn is now experimenting with swearing She used the f-word even! Frag me, she's so great.

Delenn: "Draal? We're here." Draal: "Did you think I hadn't noticed, my old friend? You've changed. I like it."

I'm glad he's not racist to her! That makes two Minbari who have on-screen supported her: Lennier, and now her old mentor. I'm so glad!

But onto the meat of the visit. Draal has been using the planet's resources to gather information, including Sheridan's history and all the plotting Sheridan's been doing. Convenient, and awesome! Powerful allies are badly needed right now. Draal has been studying the universe and the planet, and he's ready for action! And I"m ready to see that action!

"In the long, twilight struggle which lies ahead of us, there is a possibility of hope."

That's a great message, and good repetition of the same sentiment from earlier with G'Kar and G'Sten. I'm afraid G'Sten is going to die, but I hope he lives. The Narns have faced enough tragedy.

Shadow ships coming for G'Sten and his fleet, the evil shits! The CGI has definitely improved from last season to a degree, although it's extremely obvious with the shadow ships. but I love the effect! They are all cgi and thus fake-looking, which I think enhances how out of sync with the normal dimensional bounds they are. I'd be fucking unnerved if I saw something that fake looking in real life.

goodbye G'Sten. :/

There's people on the Draal Planet! Wow, they must be weird.

LOVE this for Delenn. She's needed friends really badly, too!

Zathras!! Is in league with Draal! Cool!! I didn't think we'd see the Space Werewolf again, but this should be fun! JMS's spreadsheets must have been wild.

Narn is in a BAD position. Centauri have Narn surrounded, there's massive destruction and death, and the Narn fleet has been neutralized. An impromptu re-enactment between Narn and Centauri on B5 is underway. Of course.

Narn looks mostly brown and orange from orbit. I wonder what it looked like before the Centauri ever arrived. Bombs underway, Londo watching on while looking sick. Hope he feels even sicker than he looks!

Ineffective response from Minbari and Earth, of course. An atrocity! They condemn it! Really hard! Finger wag! Don't do it again!

:(

G'Kar. What a horrible horrible place to be. Narn plans to surrender. I hope they can snatch victory from the jaws of defeat, but knowing this show, it will be even more grim for them and the universe by the end of the episode. Horrific.

G'Kar is reduced to asking Sheridan for political asylum. If they hand him over to the Centauri…! fuck! That's the kind of dystopian universe this is, too. I hope that won't happen, though.

Ugh. A speech by Londo. What an awful piece of propaganda.

Londo: "A little over five standard hours ago, the conflict which began with the Narn declaration of war, came to and end. The Narn regime has offered complete and unconditional surrender. The terms imposed by the Centauri Republic are as follows. One: the ruling body known as the Kha'ri will be disbanded, and its members subject will be subject to arrest and trial for the commission of war crimes against the Centauri." Sheridan: "Earth requests the right to send observers to these hearings." Londo: "That request is denied. Two: to prevent further acts of terror by the Narn against our people, the penalty for the murder of any Centauri by any Narn will be the execution of five hundred Narns. Including the Perpetrator's own family. Three: a provisional ruling council appointed by my government will take up the responsibility of re-building a more civilized Narn government, as a colony of the great Centauri Republic." Sheridan: "Is there anything else." Londo: "Yes. Just, one thing. Because the Narn homeworld is now a protectorate of the Centauri Republic, we reserve the right to determine who can speak for Narn. As a result, Ambassador G'Kar may no longer represent the Narn in any official capacity whatsoever. His appointment ambassador to Babylon 5 is hereby withdrawn. And as the only member of the Kha'ri still at large, Citizen G'Kar will return to Narn for trial."

"No," quoth Sheridan. Minbari supports Earth and Babylon 5 in this, although Delenn does call him Citizen G'Kar like Londo did. Fuck him, man. He's fully a bootlicker channeling his frustration at his guilt over all the war crimes against the non-Centauri. My least favorite fictional war criminal.

The framing and character work through this scene is WILD. G'Kar, sitting, slumped, not meeting anyone's eyes. Londo, speaking with clear enunciation, racist and imperialist language framed as the ethical, sensible decisions the Narn have forced them to make. G'Kar rising and speaking calmly before leaving when Londo loses his temper and demands, screaming, that G'Kar leave the council room.

G'Kar: "No dictator, no invader can hold an imprisoned population by force of arms forever. There is no greater power in the universe than the need for freedom. Against that power, governments and tyrants and armies cannot stand. The Centauri learned this lesson once. We will teach it to them again. Though it take a thousand years…we will be free."

The Narn will not go quietly.

Centauri is celebrating, they are dancing in the streets on homeworld. Or so the propaganda news broadcast goes.

Sheridan has a very nice speech for G'Kar and offer of support of all his personal assets that can be put towards that aim.

G'Kar: "The last time I took someone's hand we were at war twenty-four hours later." *takes Sheridan's offered hand anyway*

Mad lad.

And now Sheridan's off to a super-secret meeting! Delenn presiding. She has gathered him allies to pledge to Sheridan. Ah, Sinclair's project! <3 Sinclair, good work, buddy. Kosh is there, too! Somehow I doubt he is there to swear TO Sheridan. Along with, benevolently, to help the ants win against the anteater, maybe.

This is an episode of speeches! G'Kar's was terrible and great. Sheridan's falls a little flat. His line has been drawn on the other side of a fascist empire re-enslaving an entire people.

Well. I can only hope for some great and wild successes on the other side of the season finale!

The balance of affection between G'Kar and G'Sten, and Delenn's joyful reunification with Draal and the hope that and Sinclair's rangers inspired were all a much-needed balance against the Narns' current plight, but this was still so heavy and dark. It went there, it did that! Man, the forces of the Light are just fucking crippled without the Narn and their previous resources. All destroyed, and mostly dead, to feed the appetite of the Centauri Empire.

next!

[birdyverdie]

Pinned post time!!

Hi I'm Birdy!, I use Tumblr for funsies and I mostly reblog and leave little comments on the tags :)

Huge Bird Enjoyer, I actively invite people to send me pictures of birds for me to identify/to make me happy :D

I'm into very many different things but right now I'm very into:

Darkest Dungeon

Other current interests I may post about includes:

Jujutsu Kaisen (sunk cost fallacy)

SCP Foundation

Team Fortress 2

Hades (game)

Blasphemous

Flight Rising

I have a bunch of other old interests too, and stuff I still enjoy. It's too many to count ;;

Tags:

This bird speaks: anything written by me. Mostly personal thoughts.

This bird responds: my responses to asks

This bird draws: art tag

Laugh rule: my new "reblogged cuz I found this funny" my old one is extensive but had a very....13 year old fatalistic-eque tag name.

No context: anything that isn't related to any fandom interest.

This bird studies: I'm a college student so sometimes I ramble to myself in text posts about science stuff

(I'll probably think of more at some point.)

I'm an AI hater so I'll be posting any new art here Nightshaded + Glazed, but you can check out the clean version on my Pillowfort.

I write fics sometimes! Check me out on Ao3: Birdyverdie

I'm a chatty person so I don't mind random asks or DMs, beware though, you may get paragraphs in return!

Hope you have a good day :)

[anhed-nia]

I'm sorry about this post. It's really long and I don't know if I had a point to make! But I didn't realize I was maybe just torturing myself and others until I was neck deep in it, and now I feel obligated to post it due to sunk cost fallacy. Sorry again. I guess this is how you find out who your real friends are.

In the pursuit of my masochistic project of understanding the enduring Phantom of the Opera phenomenon, last night I spontaneously went to a rep screening of Joel Schumacher's Oscar-nominated 2004 adaptation. This was a singalong audience participation type of thing, which I would usually avoid at all costs especially for something I have no emotional investment in, but it was just too strange that it was randomly happening while I'm in the middle of this assignment, so I went! We all got fake roses and Phantom masks and rubber bracelets that say OPERA GHOST and little artificial candles to light up during the big chandelier scenes, and there was a singing contest before the movie started and I almost had a panic attack, but I managed to maintain my sense of humor. Apparently the climate control was totally broken and it was oppressively hot in the house, to the point that I wound up sitting there in a painted-on Uniqlo undershirt for most of the movie, and I couldn't bring myself to get dressed again for about half an hour after it was over. I walked down to the bar attached to the theater where the queen running their drag bingo night and the bartender were laughing about how they should leave the heat blasting because everyone was buying a lot more drinks. The bartender quizzed us drinkers about which theaters were we in and were they hot; I said "This is not an outdoor shirt!" and everyone laughed. I'm so glad I wasn't wearing a weird bra.

Anyway.

It would be too much to say I had high hopes for the Schumacher PHANTOM, but I had a certain amount of optimism about it; he seemed like a really good choice for this irredeemably kitschy product, but the truth is that the movie is completely neutered. It really needed some of that BATMAN FOREVER juice, but the whole thing just has no energy. Apparently Andrew Lloyd Webber had "complete creative control" and I think it really shows, it's very limp and undistinguished, and simultaneously pretentious and stupid. Sometimes things can be described as "lavish" because they are so exquisitely realized, and sometimes they are "lavish" on account of the fact that they are just extremely busy, even though no single detail rises to the surface as memorable or remarkable. Even the chandelier, which is as much a staple of this story as the mask, is just not that impressive. There it is, a big old chandelier, it's round and it's shiny and you know exactly what's going to happen to it.

Any comparison with the 1925 Lon Chaney version is inevitably unflattering; the costumes are bad, the staging is boring--I mean there is just no excuse for a big Hollywood production to NOT go ham on the masquerade ball, WTF?!--and of course, the Phantom himself is really uninspiring. The most important part of any Phantom iteration is the unmasking, and this movie has TWO (2) whole unmasking scenes and both of them suck! We all know that no Phantom design has been remotely as good as Chaney's nearly 100-year old version, but still, Joel Schumacher has worked on movies with some really freaky makeup effects, he should have given us something better than this. The whole thing just feels like they were trying as hard as possible not to surprise or offend anyone. I blame ALW.

I see this image and I hear wind whistling through their ears.

The problem with the unmasking sceneS here (besides the lack of visual impact) is that they both feel really unmotivated. Actually, this is almost ALWAYS a problem. It's the biggest moment in the story and you shouldn't be asking yourself WHY it is happening. Plus, the reason why it is happening lies with the heroine Christine, and if your main character's motivations for doing something so outrageous are unclear or uncompelling, then your whole story is in trouble. As a viewer you can tell yourself that she does it because she is overwhelmed by curiosity, or overpowered by a compassionate urge to see the Phantom as he is, or that she sees the unmasking as a way of defanging her captor...but you shouldn't have to tell yourself all that stuff. The movie should tell you. And who the fuck is Christine anyway, shouldn't we know? In other versions Christine is so devoted to her career that she readily sacrifices her love life and embraces the absurdity of a sort of spirit of opera communicating with her and guiding her path. Some versions dramatize the conflict between her monastic commitment to opera and her desire for real relationships. In the AWL version, Christine is chiefly devoted to getting attention. She falls in love, from minute to minute, with anyone who looks at her long enough. She's in love with her dead dad, so she's just frantically in search of a living boyfriend and she seems pretty indiscriminate about it. It's kind of gross and pathetic and it makes it really hard to care about her or the burning question of which boyfriend will she choose.

I've never said this before in my entire life, but Minnie Driver is the best thing in this movie--followed by the old queens who take over the theater, followed by all of the bit players, followed by, at the very bottom, the main cast. None of the leads are really inspired casting choices, but it's hard to blame them for their output because there is nothing they could possibly do with such empty roles. Who is Christine? The girl who has to pick a boyfriend. Who is Raoul? The guy who wants to be Christine's boyfriend. Who is the Phantom? The other guy who wants to be Christine's boyfriend. I mean there's this brief, grotesque excuse made for what the Phantom's problem is, but it comes far too late and explains too little. It just boils down to ye olde "not getting laid drives you nuts, so we should be afraid of ugly people." There are no personalities to be found here, and casting generically pretty actors of no distinction really hurt things in the characterization department.

Full disclosure though: I'm very faceblind. I have a lot of trouble identifying actors, and sometimes I can't even tell people apart within one movie. So, because I didn't look up very much about this production going in, I was sitting there for at least 90 solid minutes constantly thinking:

Is that Patrick Wilson? That's Patrick Wilson. It is, right? Patrick? Wilson? Yeah no it definitely is. Like for sure. Right? PaTRICK? WILson??? Pa.........Wi........

At a certain point after I finally accepted that it was probably him I just started laughing every time I saw him. But to be totally fair to ME, this presentation barely resembles a real live person:

And that hair is unacceptable. I'm sorry, Patrick Wilson. It's not your fault. I really liked the INSIDIOUS sequel you directed even though no one else did, so I'm sure we can be special friends.

The main effect of the Schumacher/ALW PHANTOM was...making me really aware of how much I like the Menahem Golan one with Robert Englund. Really! I thought I didn't like it. I know I saw it when I was young, when I had major league Freddy Kreuger fever (worse than now, somehow), so it would seem like if it didn't get its hooks in me then, it never would. But now that I have sat through...many Phantom iterations, I have become aware that it is genuinely one of the better attempts on the story. It has a lot of personality! It's trashy and juicy and a lot of fun. It even looks pretty good sometimes! I fondly remember specific costume details, which I cannot say about the big expensive ALW one. I'm not here to tell you that it's a great example of cinema or something, but it is vastly more entertaining than much of what's been done with this story by more reputable people. You'd think it would be hampered by the lack of a proper mask, but the gory unmasking scene is spectacular, AND it gets around the question of why Christine unmasks the Phantom which has not been answered satisfactorily by almost any movie. I was pining for the Englund edition for all 2.5 hours of this ALW debacle. I was even pining for Jill Schoelen as Christine! Not that I have a problem with Jill Schoelen, she's very charming. It's just that I hate POPCORN, which she stars in and which is itself a kind of Phantom adaptation. I'm not watching it again, though, no matter what. My agita.

[sapphire-weapon]

If your brain is craving the creative side of writing then it might be a good idea to take a step back and write a self indulgent one shot. Preferably one you don't publish (so there's no pressure with it) where you can just do the stuff you like the most. Personally, I find writing crack fics where the characters sarcastically complain about the dumb situations I (and capcom) put them in to be the most helpful.

Forcing yourself to write when your brain is begging for it to just be over and done with already is not good for you... or the fic. I understand that you want your craft to improve to a professional level. I understand that intense need to update a fic that people are waiting for and the days just keep slipping by...

But you are doing this for free.

Actually... it's not really free of you're paying for it in stress, anxiety, and guilt.

And you can always try to cut the chapter in half if that is a possibility. Ease the burden a bit by publishing the first half and then working on the second half later. Obviously I don't have a clue if this would work with this chapter but I figured I could still mention it at least.

<3

mostly the guilt comes from knowing my own habits and knowing that every day that goes by without me working on it is one day closer to me giving up all together. the longer i let it go, the likelier it is to get abandoned. and it's me @ myself going "you always do this."

i think i just hate the chapter. i think that's what's happening here. i think i have 15,000 words written that i feel obligated to stick to that don't actually work out well for the story. and i'm sunk cost fallacying it.

i did have that thought, though, to try to write something else and see if that works. maybe i'll try that.

[batbetbitbotbut]

my slow cooker smells like cinnamon. MAKE IT STOP - A Reddit Saga

With thanks to Direct-Caterpillar77 for compiling this as a BestOfRedditorUpdates post here.

THE PROLOGUE: Too many apples. how to use them (that isnt a pie)? Oct 8, 2024

unicornfarthappyhour: went apple picking and ended up with wayyyy too many macintosh apples. ive already made 6+ pies, apple tarts, apple mini pies, baked apples... and i still have 2 dozen apples ..please share any ideas on how to get through a horde of apples

EDIT - THANK YOU!!! so far tonight i made applesauce and have 2 trays of dried apple slices in the oven right now! 14 apples remaining!!

mrmadchef: Apple butter? I think you can even make it in a slow cooker.

THE MAIN EVENT: my slow cooker smells like cinnamon. MAKE IT STOP Oct 15, 2024

i made apple butter and now my slowcooker has a permament cinnamon smell. i tried soaking the lid in soapy aater for an hour. i washed every part 8 times, unscrewed the handles and cleaned every nook any cranny.. but IT WONT GO AWAY!!! and its not a faint smell its a cinnaMAXIMUM smell in the lid.

is there a product i can use? or do i just have to accept my fate?

fruithasbugsinit: Try slow cooking two cups of 1:1 vinegar and water. Then let it air out and cool down for a day or so for the vinegar to go away. ETA: Unless you have birds as this can hurt or kill them with their sensitive systems.

unicornfarthappyhour: have I wronged you in the past? my home. my santuary. is being forcibly air marinated. I'm dry heaving with each breath as the tiny vapors of this weaponized witches brew of Cinnamon Vinegarette Salad Dressing deep dives into my esophagus.

FIVE HOURS LATER:

unicornfarthappyhour: the mixture of vinegar and cinnamon scents wafting through my kitchen is permeating through my eyeballs and directly into my soul.

wawa2022: Throw a piece of fish in that baby. You won’t smell the cinnamon anymore unicornfarthappyhour: squinting really hard at you lol

THE FOLLOWING DAY:

unicornfarthappyhour: As i drifted off to sleep last night i still smelled it, covering the inside of my nose. and dreamed i was pickled.

it seems that the cinnamon has effectively mutated in the fiery hell of its vinegar battle, and has has now become a biohazard. i soaked the lid in a big plastic tub with water, soap and vinegar mixture, because why not double down?

my sunk cost fallacy arguement has now made the bin ALSO smell like a spicy formaldehide.

my next attempt is sunlight, and open space....aka sneaking into my in laws home while theyre on vacation and leaving it on their kitchen table for a week.

im 99% sure my nasal membranes have adopted these defiant particles and have begun incorporating them into my mucus. my sneezes are spicy...

FIVE DAYS LATER: Update Oct 21, 2024

unicornfarthappyhour: Welcome back to my cinnightmare.

I had to drop off my ILs mail, so I checked on my lid. I was hoping that sunlight and fresh air would help, but my lid is not made of vampires.

Accepting temporary defeat I moved the fight back onto home turf, and got a new set of supplies. Shout out to u/generic-curiosity who reminded me about the hydrophobic properties of my cinnenemy. With this knowledge, I was ready to reengage in this battle

I armed myself with a bottle of isopropyl alcohol, a Love is Blind sized wad of paper towels, and…olive oil.

I scrubbed with alcohol, then rubbed it down with the oil, then back at it again with the alcohol. Out of context, that would make for an amazing party game.

this Sisyphean deodorizing battle will haunt my dreams for years to come.

I don’t remember how many times I repeated this alcohol and oil endeavor, but I’m going to choose the number 6, because of the evil connotations of the number.

Much like my spirit, the smell has died down and has become a repressed whisper of the wild soul it once was.

Satisfied that my slow cooker no longer bore the tonsil-coating scent of a season craft store mid-december, I went on my merry way. Ignorant, I Know.

As the days went on, and I continued to use more kitchen supplies, I began to think this was all in my mind – I just. Kept. Smelling. It. SOMEWHERE.

Like any sane person I started sniffing around my kitchen like a tweaked out 2 legged bloodhound. I had used a rubber spatula to stir my cinnncoction. Immediately binned it. I refuse to bend my will for the $2 spatula. And now, it will never see the light of day again, forever to think about how it failed to serve its culinary master. Forever to miss the hot broth it once knew. It must suffer in perpetuity for its betrayal.

And I am NEVER using cinnamon again.

the apple butter tastes amazing.

[drbased]

Time for another major take-down

This is a Big One. I'm going to analyse I Am A Transwoman. I Am In The Closet. I Am Not Coming Out.

Part 1

Let's get into it. Firstly, the note at the start: I hate how it's become commonplace to write something online - a literal public space, accessible to anyone - and then when criticised immediately back-track and call it 'private' and 'a diary entry'. This applies to radfems on tumblr, or anyone tbh. If you want something to remain private, write it privately.

Correlation, meet causation.

Yeah, there's a reason the phrase 'correlation does not equal cause causation' exists. But this is the primary tool of human narrative-making and exactly why it is so easy for trans-identified people to discover past 'evidence' of their gender. Occam's razor is thrown out because the dull reality feels much less significant than the constructed narrative.

Ever the magical thinker, I tell myself that if I wish out loud one thousand times, I will wake up with long hair in cute pajamas with a different name — and maybe freckles.

One might consider it a minor nitpick, but here lies the primary issue: the gender essentialism that people internalise as children is not discarded as sexist nonsense, but instead the sunk-cost fallacy works its magic. Of course, the author might be using some flowery language to merely evoke the image of 'girl' in the reader's mind - but the mere fact that someone in this culture is able to communicate the exact concept of biological sex by referencing sexed roles/expectations shows just how ingrained these beliefs are in our society.

The next part, at eight years old, is especially sad. Causation and correlation definitely have a rocky relationship here. He describes getting on with mostly women. Something as basic as being friends with and admiring the females in his life is seen as 'proof' of his female identity. But of course, you're a transwoman in the closet. How many of these 'women' you like and admire, are actually women? You say you think divorced, tattooed, Catie's mum is cool - what if that person is actually a man? Or if that feels like a cheap argument, do you think that all these women especially like you, above all other 'boys' your age? Do you think they can tell?

When I ask to sleep over at my friends’ houses, I am told I am not allowed. Boys are not allowed. My friend Caitie’s mother argues about this on the phone with my mother. I realize my mother is not on my side.

No sarcasm here - I don't really get this bit. Did you mean to write that girls are not allowed? Because historically, parents are fine with boys having sleepovers together - it's typically cross-sex sleepovers that parents find an issue with, for all sorts of reasons. Not allowing sleepvers with other boys would be a concern of your mum specifically; nothing to do with gender. And speaking of your mum, your takeaway is that she's not on your side? What a strangely powerful conclusion to come to from one minor thing. Parents give their kids all sorts of weird and stupid rules. She might have her own reasons to not let you go to sleepovers - have you, say, asked her?

I love everything my sister loves, but I will not admit it. I know she and her friends will make fun of me. I know my parents will chastise me and correct me. I am learning the rules, and I am learning that boys liking girl things is a very high stakes issue. I am learning that adults react the same way to my interest in makeup as they do to my interest in matches and lighters.

Oh, you're learning the rules, are you? Did you ever want to un-learn them, maybe question them a bit, at least wonder for a second why the rules are that way? I once asked a trans person in DMs if they'd wondered why certain gendered expectations exist, and they responded 'to be honest, I hadn't really thought about it'. Remember, trans people are supposed to know more about gender than cis people. I've known trans people IRL to obsess over the details of their passing with zero questioning of the status quo. The fact that we're supposed to consider this rhetoric to be truly radical is telling.

As if maybe, by being what I am, I might burn down something very important to them. Something that makes their life more comfortable and easy.

The reason that following gender expectations makes life comfortable and easy for 'cis women' is exactly the same as it is for you: because it means that they don't have to feel angry at the world, that they can accept that everything they learned during childhood is natural and healthy and they don't have to hate their parents, peers and other adults for demanding certain things of them, and now as adults they retain certain 'perks' for conforming. You're only fractionally better because you're rejecting one set of expectations in favour of another - but in another way you're a whole lot worse because you're literally a member of the oppressor class wearing the costume of the oppressed class and thinking that makes you privy to their experiences. You're the one with a privilege so important to you that women's freedom and liberation would burn it down.

I am jealous of my sister’s clothing. One day, home alone after school, I sneak into her room and pull on her Tinkerbell Halloween costume. I slip the elastic straps over my shoulders, then the tights along my legs. It fits.

Ah, the classic. The charitable version of me acknowledges that many trans people have been perfectly willing to admit (especially pre 2016) that they're dysphoric over sex and will accept these surface-level associations purely to help them relieve dysphoria. And I understand that. But this man claimed at the start that correlation = causation, here. And you cannot tell me that everyone who has read this will be thinking as deeply as I am - many people are fully happy to admit that this has nothing to do with sex and entirely to do with gender i.e. gendered roles and expectations. To many people, that Tinkerbell costume is synonymous with 'female'. It makes you wonder why we decided to say that vaginas are female sex organs at all, if gender can be summed up with long hair and cute pyjamas.

[pleucas]

HIIIIIII again i wrote my last one and took the best nap ever

dazai glazer……i like that…….ill take it :) but don’t you agree with me too….

sorry for being a freak…i can take dazai characterization very seriously sometimes i scare myself too……but im so invested in him and yk its a joke ik it is but for some ppl they take it to a next level which is weird and sad to see…especially since we know what dazai was like at 14….(getting emotional and insane again so i’ll stop) if you ever write your thesis paper on dazai i’d like to read it

BUT i can get into fyodor and chuuya rambles too if you ever want to hear me again i have many thoughts

and the whole hating the other half of the ship that i AGREE on because if you play genshin impact or know about it there’s a ship that is my biggest enemy because i DESPISE character A everytime i see him i want to roll him to hell where he belongs so i get it and it has nothing to do with his character just because i do….so im no better ig…...actually i am.

i love how you went full on skker at last i liked what you said for most parts they could never make me hate you skk…

i never noticed how long my last ask was until i had to scroll…sorry about that

this was fun tbh….kept it short i had way more to write but didn’t want to annoy you

and i need to say that i REALLY loved your animation for dazai bday both the wip and the finished it changed me. it was gorgeous. it was perfect.

dazai glazer! good... morning ? ig. idk happy waking up time

i would love to hear about your chuuya + fyodor thoughts. i feel like a forum intermediate. but it's all very interesting! and yes, they could really never make me hate you skk. i'm in too deep. sunk cost fallacy and alldat

i do plan on animating more :0 i have smth planned actually and i just need to get started on it urrrrghhhh... making even the bday loop was hell tho but it seems like the returns were worth it! so. here we go

[trinitycove]

When I was attending university just last Fall working towards a bachelor's degree and a diploma, I was miserable and stressed out of my mind. I remember every Fall I would have a breakdown and my Winter Break would be spent recovering my sanity instead of enjoying time with loved ones.

I had convinced myself that because I had put so many years into this degree I needed to continue to pursue it: this is Sunk Cost Fallacy. Last Fall was when I finally saw some clarity and decided to take a break from university and instead work. My goal was to figure out what I wanted to do for a career before returning to school.

By January, my bf's mom told me about a government program providing full scholarships for a few programs at a local private college and sent me the link. I applied and worked to manifest my acceptance. I was denied from the first program, a diploma in Digital Health Administration, but the school encouraged me to apply for a similar program beginning in May: a diploma in Digital Office Administration. This time I was accepted.

Here I am this Fall feeling almost no stress during my finals, feeling confident in where I am going, and feeling as if I can take on this career without hesitation. I have classmates who are so stressed out right now and they are working so hard I can't help but remind myself to recognize how far I have come. I didn't know school could be so enjoyable even when it is challenging (and I have loved school since I was a child.)

I feel free.

[chipped-chimera]

WIP WEDNESDAY - 12/07/23

AND IT'S ACTUALLY ON A WEDNESDAY! Thanks @theviridianbunny for the tag <3 I regret to inform you ... it's more hair again @.@ (this one is actually different, I swear)

More under the cut, as usual~

Soooo if you've been following me you probably know I've done a few things since my last WIP Wednesday, namely more tattoo stuff, and more recently ... more hair stuff.

After a LOT of agonising over it I finally consider the neck 'done' ... or done enough (vaguely ... thinking about doing something more in the transition between the tattoo and the jaw but I probably should stop honestly or I'll never stop). This means I probably have enough done to get away with taking screenshots while I work on the rest of it. Been pondering drawing up an actual plan for the rest beyond what I've been doing so far - mostly winging it and smashing things together. Might get stuff done faster, who knows.

Anyway I am back on my hair shit, yet again that's going just about ... as well as you'd expect ...

Okay okay, I'll be honest, this has been fixed but I gotta say after spending a whole 12 hrs staring at lines of code, changing entries and having to redo them several times because I'd fucked up some file name or changed my mind or found out 'no that is not where you should be putting that folder you absolute dingus' and this was the best I could do was kind of hilarious. 😂

The important part was I'd gotten it IN, which was a process and a half, considering THIS time I'm using a custom made 2048px hair texture (alpha is 4k) and a higher poly mesh - which means yeah, this is the same hair rebuilt from scratch.

After some additional fiddling ...

... and a very unamused Ven (I'm sorry hun) ...

I got it in. All of it. No missing textures, no hair cards in the hair cap slot. The physics look janky but it's somewhat intentional - this is a minimal effort rigging job based on the alt rig, the priority was to get this hair texture IN so I could see how it looked in game and how everything sat before I dug myself further into a sunk cost fallacy over this second version of the hair.

And I'm actually pretty happy with it? There is some curl distortion yeah but it's not as bad as it was last time - and considering I'd rigged that one PROPERLY is saying something. Higher poly + textures are making a big difference here. It's pretty obvious in the comparison -

Also yes I am aware this one is WAY too shiny, but that one is a considerably easy fix now I know how Vertex Paint actually affects this value. I was a bit too generous on the highlight gradient so I've already repainted what I have so far, using side-by-side references with existing game meshes to try and get it 'equal' but it's likely gonna be a lot of back and forth calibrating with that one.

Excessive shiny-ness aside I'm actually REALLY happy with how the side curl is sitting nice and neat in her jacket collar this time! Also man ... doesn't that look silky ... (ok maybe some shine is good lmao)

I guess that's kind of it on the mod front. I've got other projects in a very initial stage (it's fanfic. Ofc it's fanfic) but work on both the tattoo bodysuit + hair is eating up a lot of my daily spoon allowance so that one will happen when it happens I guess (and probably when at minimum, this goddamn hair is done).

Oh and this hair is using UUH4V. I GOT IT TO WORK. Which means I'll be able to use multiple rigs which will hopefully prevent these carefully crafted curls from getting minced beyond recognition, fingers crossed.

Anyways until next time!

(Uh, I tag anyone who read all of this. Yes you. sorry I don't know many people yet and I'm shyyy)

p.s. yes hair tutorial. soon. In the case you are similarly frustrated and desperate as I was and working on hair please note I AM VERY OPEN TO TELLING YOU ALL THE INFO just ask me. Cause tutorial might take time unfortunately. But it's in the works.