#suicide survival

[ellie-says-nop]

Spent the last days of my 20s walking aound New York and going to different gay clubs and bars. I never thought I would live long enough to be able to do that. I am so grateful that I did.

So to that closeted queer 15yo I want to say happy 30th birthday honey, you made it!

[stil-lindigo]

when people reblog donation posts and say "donate what you can", I really feel like people aren't actually internalising it. not all of us can afford to donate $50, $100, more than that. but i know for a fact that there are thousands of us that can spare $2 or $5, and that all adds up.

it hurts so much to sit here and feel the limits of our own ability. we're not millionaires. we can't instantly fund these escape attempts. but these are bids for life, by people who never asked for the hellfire being rained upon them by sadistic colonialists, greedy for oil and land. they committed no crime other than being born in palestine. and of course it's unfair, to have to shoulder the weight of people's lives when we're all struggling to get by as it is. but our governments relentlessly fail us, they fail to scrape at the bottom of their cold dead hearts for their last dregs of humanity. it is so, so unfair, but it is up to the common man to save each other.

please. look at this spreadsheet. find a fund that resonates with you. and DONATE WHAT YOU CAN.

[kurakuradon]

captain & nurse

[yousaveeveryonebutwhosavesyou]

One of the saddest, hardest moments of your life will be when you are crying and screaming to the world pleading for a sign.

A sign that you should stay alive for one more day, maybe a couple of days.

But that sign doesn’ t come. You stare at your phone thinking maybe someone will answer or someone will text you asking if you’re okay. You search endlessly for some reason to stay alive but you can’t find any.

That is probably the most heartbreaking moment when you can’t find any reason to stay alive when you need it most because you suddenly feel all this pain and you feel more alone than you’ve ever felt in your entire life.

That moment will break you and I don’t wish it on even my worst enemies.

[neuroticboyfriend]

as long as you're here, there is hope. as long as you're here, something can change. something can make you smile. something can give you peace. something can get better. as long as you're here, a better life is not impossible.

[poisonousquinzel]

they deserved better idc 😐

[thebibliosphere]

I really don’t understand some people who tell you to “chill out” or “relax” when you’re expressing enthusiasm or happiness about something. Like yeah, sure, maybe my excitement seems misplaced to you, but maybe I’m just a happy person. Or maybe I’m trying to engineer some sense of whimsy and relief from the relentless horrors of daily existence so I don’t kill myself.

Either way, you’re being a dickhead.

[missmisnomer]

photos taken seconds before disaster

[beneathsilverstars]

um do you think before siffrin joined orbquest they maybe didn't care that much about the curse. like maybe they'll get caught in it maybe they won't. it's whatever.

[orangechickenpillow]

Jayce didn't have to stay. Viktor told him not to. He told him to go, told him he must go in the gentlest way imaginable, and Jayce was scared, hadn't stopped being scared since he touched the arcane, but especially then.

And he stayed. And he was terrified but he stayed. Because he couldn't imagine a universe where he was alive and Viktor wasn't.

[daisybell-on-a-carousel]

Something about deeply suicidal character Jason Todd who usually tries going out fighting or in the self sacrificing hero way + Jason's magic swords tied to his soul where he has to cut himself with them to power them up

[ellie-says-nop]

Rant ahead...

Its been hard to think about but this year marks the 10 year anniversary of the first time i attempted suicide. It is obviously a huge milestone and I AM extremely proud of myself.

But a lot of the things i struggle with now are because of the decision i took that day to stay.

To clarify, because i never thought i would make it past 20, I wasn't really planning far. Educationwise, relationship wise, self identity wise, life purpose wise etc. and in my defense not a lot of people dont really plan that stuff then either. But i just never did.. even after i was "ok" and living life. I basically just said ok im gonna stay and be as helpful and invisible as i can.

Every decision i took was taken thinking how will this affect other people? I have been operating for the last 10 years living like im not supposed to be here. Use up the lest space, spend the least, support everyone, not upset anyone, listen to all, don't share, don't be a burden your not even supposed to be here your are alive and that's what counts.

My therapist said any reason to stay is a good enough reason and i found mine and didnt change it for 10 years.

Now that i am older, have more experience, and more education (Bach in Psych) i can see how harmful that it. how toxic it is. I set myself up for failure and for the past 10 years i have been regretting staying because i gave myself an impossible mission to like for everyone else and not be a burden only help. but that isn't what being a human is. so overtime i mess up like humans do, I spiral. I have a crisis. i am 19 years old again on the verge of giving up.

10 years of that gets old..

I don't know how helpful it is to be self aware but that's where i am rn. I am beyond thankful that i have stayed. I cannot reiterate enough i am so grateful for so many experiences i've gotten to have because of that decision. i just wish it got easier... but i really did get better.

I have now started to try and find what living for me looks like... I dyed my hair all different colors, i came out to some family and friends, i questions what being queer looked like for me and found that i don't know completly and thats ok, i have awknloedged the odd feelings ive associated with gender and am am exploring that now.

I have even fucking put my own music in the car. it sounds dumb but the thought of doing that would have never crossed my mind 3 years ago because of all that toxic behavior/thoughts i was enabling myself to do..

I may not be 100% ok but that's ok because i am a work in progress (for real this time)

[hybeana]

Dear trans people,

Please do not let the state of the world right now put you into a state of despair and hopelessness. Trans people have always survived and will continue to survive. Do what you need to do to stay safe and alive. Seek out what makes you happy. Focus on your mental and physical health if you can.

I want this message to reach all trans people. This message is not just for thin, white trans people who pass well and can afford to medically transition (although it is for them, too). This message is for trans people of color with specific, intersectional struggles that white trans people do not face. This message is for trans people who do not pass and cannot use public restrooms. This message is for trans people that are currently living in unsafe areas such as U.S. red states. This message is for Palestinian trans people who are being bombed as we speak. This message is for closeted trans people who must hide who they are for safety. This message is for mentally and/or physically disabled trans people. This message is for psychotic and schizospec trans people who are disproportionately affected by violent crimes. This message is for poor trans people who cannot afford basic amenities like food, water, and shelter, let alone adequate medical care. This message is for homeless trans people, some displaced by their own families who refuse to accept them. This message is for suicidal trans people who are considering taking their own life. This message is for all the trans people who are overlooked, underappreciated, and undervalued.

This message is for you.

Survive. Live. Thrive.

[fuwaprince]

👉👈 Hi friends! I have a long, serious post made just for you(!) that isn't full of spoilers, smut or mooning lawn gnomes. Please read if you can, this is a 💥 mutual aid request 💥

It has been a horribly painful and long while as most people following/keeping up with me know. and in a few days I'm going to be down $1500, which is basically all my fucking $

I can't afford Christmas for anybody, which sucks and I'm very sorry. I can't even take care of myself and haven't been, which also sucks and I'm very sorry

Landlords spontaneously raised rent on me more than halfway through this month as punishment for not getting to my house chores and not communicating, to be totally honest with you. I feel ashamed and awful about it but I didn't want to clean the place while multiple ppl living here had tested positive for COVID and kept walking around unmasked... I am not fully vaxxed because I've been too depressed to get any kind of necessary medical care done and I didn't want to catch COVID in the middle of my finals week for the semester. I woke up to being angrily and rudely bitched at first thing after the last of my finals (I passed at least). It wasn't a humanizing text. Fuck the mistreatment though. Rent is now almost doubled and it won't be lowered

There was no room for negotiation and I truly believe they've resorted to pricing me out of living here because the group of renters psychologically tormenting me wasn't effective (actually- putting a picture of my rapist on the fridge rly was super effective in getting me to isolate myself in my room all day and so was outing me as trans to the transphobic ass neighbors.... But I didn't and still don't have any place better to move out to, like the way they were hoping I would. Yes, I have looked and BEGGED btw)

I want out of here NOW, but I can't leave. I tried and had to come back because it was the best option. I can't afford to stay in a motel/hotel/BnB just to get away from them for a day or two during Christmas. I don't have any friends who I can spend the holiday with either. During the semester, I resorted to convincing classmates with keys to locked buildings to let me crash in them while they worked at night and I would leave before anybody showed up. Now that school is out, I can't do that. I don't have any family I can reach out to for support or friends who I can depend on for immediate help. I have been crying day in and day out for weeks. I have records of it posted throughout my blog. Literally crying for days on end. I'm being so fucking transparent

All that lump of text is to explain to whoever is out there, who might be listening and willing and able, to please consider helping me, if and ONLY IF able. I know times are tough and if you'd rather use your $ for other reasons or just don't have any to spare, don't sweat it and take care! 🫂

I've thought about what I could do for a long time and have helped myself how I can. It isn't enough. I've applied for so much assistance. Been approved and been sabotaged by my inhumane mom (who does not love me) via stealing my legal documents and letters and hiding them for months. My mind jumps to grim places but I'm clinging for dear life to whatever hope I have left that says things will get better. I wish I knew somebody with a business that I could work for. Part of me feels so fucking terrible for asking for help because I feel like a waste of all your resources. I feel like I shouldn't ask, like I really do not fucking deserve help, but there are friends online who care, who I know mentioned being interested in helping in whatever ways they can

So to the people who care to seriously me, I'm ready to accept it: please send me nice words to get through this and feel less alone. It feels pathetic to ask but I would love a nice letter. A nice card even. Kind words of any kind would go a long way. It means more to me than food. I have felt so broken and every day feels like a test to figure out how badly I actually want to live

I'm also leaving my cash app and paypal here in case anybody would like to do more than what I'm comfortable asking but probably very likely will inevitably need very very soon. I will be left with fucking nothing and I will have no idea what to do once rent is paid

Thank you to those of you who have sent love, offered to listen and heard me out. I really wish it wasn't so hard to survive. I'm trying to feel better knowing there are people out there who are also without help and hoping the best, but it doesn't make me feel any better or comforted tbh. I just wish the help was there for us. I wish there was a place to go for spare love, care, compassion, empathy, kindness, humanity, generosity... I need that more than I need $. Call me stupid but that's what I live for. I don't live for paying to survive in terrible conditions. I live for love and to smile with friends

I hope to write back to the friends who have already been so kind as to message me soon btw. I'm sorry for not replying sooner. Your overwhelming support is sincerely sweet and sometimes I cry because I can't believe people are so nice (to me???). It'll give me something to do that doesn't make me feel like dying! :') so thank you thank you thank you *fist bump*

Hope you're all doing as well as you can and that somehow things get better. Hope anybody else struggling like me doesn't make the mistake of isolating like a sick and dying animal. You deserve love. You deserve support. Don't be like me. Have the courage to reach out to the people who care about you for help as early on into your emergency as possible. Don't let your situation snowball because you spend so long trying to figure out if you're worth it!!! This Random Tumblr user is here to tell you that YOU ARE. Sending my infinite everlasting unconditional love. Be nice to yourselves. Be nice to each other. Fuck the hateful assholes who wish I would just kill myself already. Tell your friends you love them. Happy Holidays!!!

And here's a single picture of a mooning lawn gnome at the very end, as a treat! I told you this post wasn't full of it.... It just ended with it 👉👉

[tangledinink]

So. Leo and Donnie grew up under Big Mama's care to eventually become the infamous Gemini in the Battle Nexus... And Mikey has been raised by Baron Draxum to fulfill the prophecy... Well, where's Raph?

(treasure of the shrine) (tireless devotee) (pledged martyr)

enter -> raphael, child of the foot clan

raph grew up under the protective eye of the foot, raised on endless tales of the clan's grand mission and the essential role he would play in it. his value was very clear from the moment he came into the clan's possession as an infant, given the inherent, powerful mystical energy already laying dormant inside him. though he cannot wield any magick himself, he often spends long hours meditating in the clan's shrine, bathing in mystic energy, awaiting the day he can don the dark armor and awaken their master shredder with his life force. as per clan tradition, he was never given a name and is instead officially referred to by his title-- oblation.

though he is just as devoted to his ninja training as any other clan recruit, his future role makes him far too valuable to be sent on missions or risk combat. in fact, he very rarely leaves the safety of shredder's shrine. this doesn't bother oblation, however. he is perfectly content in his role, and proud of what his anticipated sacrifice will achieve. his faith and trust in the clan are absolute and unwavering. however...

though small children are rarely recruited by the clan, there was one other. recruit calls oblation "obby." and obby calls her "cru." they met when obby was nine and cru was ten and have been inseparable ever since, training side by side. though obby is technically considered a higher rank than her, neither of them have achieved full clan membership yet. obby will not earn his place until he completes his one and only mission, and one that he will do entirely on his own-- bring forth the shredder.

(and recruit is loyal. recruit believes fully in the clan's divine mission. recruit will give whatever the foot asks of her. but as obby's promised sacrifice looms ever closer, she finds herself harboring more and more doubt.)

[krotiation]

i'll genuinely never stop thinking about codependency in rhack and how it's mostly coming from jack's side. both jack and rhys treat their relationship like rhys is the one who needs jack to not just survive but also thrive, but it's really the opposite and i think that REALLY adds to how much jack twists the narrative to make it seem like rhys can't do anything without him just to keep giving rhys a reason to keep him around and trust him