#suicidal character

[srslylini]

so people hating on us for thinking the caitvi sex scene is weird only ever bringing up that we think Vi is selfish

you know WHAT, I'm gonna tell you something. You are correct. That isn't my main reason and I'm definitely more focused on the part about how that stupid scene is going against Vi and all she is and all she hurts for.

but here, have a talk to. If someone you know tells you "byeeee I'm killing myself" and your reaction is nothing but then later fucking your ex.... (or even anything close to that 🥺because you get to be selfish🥺) that's extremely strange and I do not want you to ever be close to a suicidal person, actually. No one is saying anyone is solely responsible to save someone in that state, that would be just as weird, it isn't your job, you aren't a professional.

But ignoring that and letting it happen because 🥺she gets to be selfish, guys🥺 UHM????

Like implying that we must hate a character for saying that the writers going that direction is tasteless and disgusting is absolutely weird to me. No it isn't bad for us calling out that that action, even reflecting real life, IS NASTY????

do you even KNOW what "killing yourself" MEANS? Or has social media watered those words down for you so much that now saying a SISTER ignoring her sister wanting to kill herself and fucking her ex in the prison cell, said sister wanted to previously do that in, is DUMB and WEIRD, downright DISGUSTING??? This is not how any media should handle suicidal characters and suicide in itself.

now go ahead and attack me because for all it's worth I guess I now said all you criticized about us. (even though I still vehemently hate the sex scene for what it means for Vi and her pain, but it's so easy to ignore that and just call me a Vi hater, huh?)

[rae-butter]

Writing a Suicidal Character

So, you want to write a suicidal character, but you need some help. You’ve come to the right place! Here’s a how-to guide for how to write a suicidal character!!

TW: talk of suicide, clinical depression, and self-harm. Be safe!!

First, decide if the suicidal thoughts are passive or active.

Passive suicidal thoughts are simply daydreams, wishful thinking, or “I wish I was dead” without any real initiative to commit suicide. Still more serious than the statement “I would rather die than x” “I would kill myself before I x” but it’s a symptom of moderate depression. The character does want to die, and it’s stronger than wanting a release from pain, but it’s not quite at the planning stage yet.

Active suicidal thoughts are when a character plans to commit suicide. In this stage, you’re planning how, when, and why you want to kill yourself. Typically characters have dates set, methods decided, and letters written for when they commit suicide.

If your characters suicidal thoughts are active, this might be some outward behaviors and internal dialogue they may have.

Outward signs may look like:

Lethargic, moving slower than normal, or the opposite—moving faster than usual to compensate for their dreary demeanor

Blunted affect

Skipping out on social events, ghosting friends, being emotionally unavailable

Disordered eating

Loss of interest in hobbies

Talks about their will/what they’ll do after that die

Dark humor (if they use humor to deflect)

Scars on wrists or thighs

Internal monologue may look like:

Passive suicidal thoughts and/or active suicidal thoughts such as plotting their methods or making arrangements

Thoughts of self-harm (or active self-harm)

“My friends/family/partner wouldn’t care if I disappeared”

“I don’t deserve to eat”

after receiving an invite to hang out with a friend “I just don’t feel like being around people today” “I don’t deserve it”

Guilt for no reason

“Everything would be better if I was gone.”

“Why x” endless spiraling

If your character suicidal thoughts are passive, here’s what it might look like:

Outward signs may look like:

Lethargic or active yadda yadda

Blunted affect

Leaving social events early or cancelling last minute

“What do you think the meaning of life is?”

Emotional outbursts or lack of reaction at all

Insomnia or sleeping too much

Internal monologue may look like:

“I wish the pain would just end” the difference between this and suicidal thoughts is the focus on ending the pain. there’s a difference between looking for a release from pain and wishing for death. if you’re looking for a release from pain, there’s a thin strand of hope there, but if you want to die, there’s a focus on immediate pain and desperation—you don’t care about the future, the here and now matter more.

“what’s the point” and thoughts like it

Guilt for no reason

Lots of self-loathing (“I did something to deserve this” “everyone’s disappointed in me for shutting down” “I shouldn’t feel this way, it’s not even that bad”)

Passive suicidal thoughts are in the in between of hopeless and hopeful bc on one hand life is meaningless and on the other hand there has to be something past it—it’s like waiting for the other shoe to drop. It’s complex, but an interesting thing to explore in writing.

In case you can’t tell I have a lot more experience with passive suicidal thoughts than active ones

And remember, if you’re going to have a character consider suicide or even make an attempt on their life, DO NOT DO IT FOR SHOCK FACTOR!

While it’s fine as a plot twist, please take the topic and the character seriously! Explore what got them to that point, and how it affects them in the moment as much as whatever happened in the past to get them there, and keep in mind the consequences of their actions, even if they do survive.

This is a very important moment for your characters and it would be a shame to just use it for melodrama rather than reaping it for all it’s worth.

Happy writing!!

[graycats-arcane-blog]

SPOILERS BELOW THE CUT

My thoughts on the conclusion of Arcane Season two:

(heads up - these thoughts are more of an emotional response than thoughts on the quality of the show. Venting my feelings. TW for everything Jinx goes through.)

Before I start ranting, to be clear, I'm not trying to bash the show. It's emotional and compelling and i couldn't stop watching it. I'm just learning that I'm the sort of person who really shouldn't get invested in tragedies, and I'm venting to try and feel better.

It kills me that the show just kept torturing Jinx until she finally got to die at the chosen moment.

How many times has Jinx tried to die throughout Arcane's runtime? Trying to blow herself and Ekko up in season one. I'm pretty sure the end of s2 e3 was her trying to have one last hurrah too. Then there was the whole sequence with Ekko literally turning back time to stop her from ending it over and over again.

When Isha was introduced this season, I thought it was the show's way of telling us, "look! Despite everything that's happened to her, Jinx can still find a happy place and a purpose in the world! Hope is not lost!" And I really believed they'd give us an ending that shows Jinx growing into herself and finding her place in the world.

Then they took Isha away, and Jinx wanted to die again, and hey, what do you know, she finally got what she wanted in the very end!

(and yes, I know there are people theorizing she survived because we didn't see the body, but I'm just going to take the fact that she isn't seen at all after that fall at face value.)

I really wanted to enjoy this season, but... Everything they put Jinx through was just a little too much for me.

Anyway, I'm gonna go write a fanfic where all the characters I like are alive. See ya later.

[ahmoseinarus]

Day 21 Body Horror | Tattoo Gun | Spirit Possession | "Let the bedsheets soak up the tears."

[hp-shippy-prompts]

Prompt:

Vampire au

Harry’s done. He’s had enough. He just wants it to end.

But even if he wants it to all be over, he thinks he’s suffered enough in life and doesn’t want to suffer in death as well.

Therefore, he seeks out a Vampire, having heard how arousing, how like ecstasy, it is to be bitten, intending to find a Vampire who won’t stop until it’s done.

He finds a willing candidate, someone who promises he can cover things up so he won’t get caught (Harry doesn’t even want to think about the implications for others in the past), but after Lord Voldemort has had a conversation and a taste, he decides Harry is too intriguing, too delicious, to just waste on a single meal.... 😏

[suryp]

Date: Last Sunrise Year: First in Tartyry's Region: Dark Forest

It was months, at least, since I'd seen a human, or at least their heads. My team was long dead, and the only company I had was their killer, and the bird.

After that confrontation, it hadn't spoken to me, and I'd never given an answer to it's question, but the thing had attempted to keep me alive all that time, and the human body is very good at Not Dying.

I'm sure the higher-ups still though I was gone, though. Banshees were famously aggressive to soldiers, especially after the years of contact, and almost no one was willing to cross the Tartyryn Wall these days.

Not sure why I was deemed "better."

Probably inexperience. Banshee could stand twice as tall as any human, far as I knew, but even at full height my new "friend" was short of that.

They still had power, though.

for my part, I'd made sure to eat as little as I could, when I really had the choice, and always stayed on the move, towards the Night Forest.

May as well make it easier.

At the very edge of the second Tartyryn continent, rocky shore just behind me, I took rest under the first tree I'd seen since... well, not quite since coming to Tartyrys, but a long while still.

And I took in the view.

The sunset, with a storm just in sight, was gorgeous. Reflecting off the ice, snow, and clouds, it was like a painting you'd see in some royal museum. probably.

I hoped to never forget that scene.

And then, taking out a hunk of flesh, I slept.

I awoke to the crunching of bone, and immediately rose to get a better look, and seem more intimidating.

It might've gotten me killed, too, but what sat before me was only the follower I'd had all along.

And a skei'yd pup, only as large as the banshees skull.

*crunch, cryk, crack, swallow*

"Hello. "

"Snack for the road?"

"No."

"...understood."

"...won't eat."

"..."

"...help?'

"...what?"

"help. help eat."

"so it..."

"..."

"needs help eating. And... you want me to help it?"

"yes."

"why?"

"mammal."

"ok, first off, we are two completely different species. I know nothing about rats.

"not r-"

"second, I dont make milk."

"...milk?"

"...yeah. it's what... mammal babies need. mothers make it. it comes from tits."

Turning their massive head upwards, it began to make an awkward wretching sound, and attempted to puke something up, before turning down to the pup, with a jaw filled with some pale and slightly pinkish liquid.

*mrip? snf, snf*

*slp slp slp slp*

"...maybe it's not just mothers."

*clop, swallow* "...am mother."

"...I see."

"but is not just mothers."

"...ok. I-"

"Or banshee."

And then, back to nursing.

I was a tad uncomfortable, giant bird women more than twice your size who can crush steel plate would do that, but so was that revelation.

It would explain where some of my cousins went and came from, though.

Still, it hardly mattered. I still had a mission to attend to, and it couldn't be completed with her around.

So I left.

The Night Forest is a dangerous place, everyone knew that.

So why was I alive?

I'd been loud, conspicuous, and hadn't even tried to hide myself. predators were sure to know where I was by now. Where were the t'rrarr, the hellhounds, the owlbear, the cockatrice? at the very least a h'ghurk should've come for me, the demons were drawn to any loud sound or mammalian smell...

But I was alive. Perhaps, so far south, winter was too cold for such aggressive killers. I'd have to head further north, or simply wait.

I looked into the dark, dense forest, attempting to figure out where I had or hadn't been.

But I didn't know which way was north. And I'd certainly made a few curves in my path.

So, I collected a few fruits from the lowest growing conifers, a couple cones off the forest floor, and went back.

According to Ember, the banshee, the fruit I had was safe.

I still tested some, just in case, but all for naught.

Syll liked them, at least.

Ember named him, after what seemed to be it's first sign of intelligence, in this case, using a known sound of pain to refuse food.

Granted, it did sound roughly like a skei'yd name, as far as I knew.

Ember also questioned why they would want the berries, to which I nearly scoffed.

"Skei'yd are omnivores, you can tell by the teeth Besides, fruit's a good first solid for any baby"

"thought "two completely different species. I know nothing about rats.""

"...I don't know how to take care of one."

"just did."

"Listen, anyone could've figured that out-"

"not me."

"I'm still not a good choice for help."

"maybe."

"Maybe you can not mimic my voice next time? It's real creepy."

"ok."

"...thanks."

*prrip!*

-

told yall itd tie in!

still have a long way to go though, and honestly? not real sure how im gonna start there, but we will. prommy.

in other news, fauna!

t'rrarr are... monkey-like animals. similar to chimps in build but a few notable distinctions. we'll talk about it later.

h'ghurk are also going to be talked about later. should be pretty familiar, but for now all you need to is they are very deadly and banshees name most animals based on their noises.

also, skei'yd updates! they're a lot more similar to the sheatheran theropodents, by sheather, who is a fantastic fucking person. yall'lle get a proper intro when Syll grows up, and we'll get a proper intro to Ember and banshees when we get an Ember narration.

see yall soon!!

[skunkes]

gay dracula

[castielsprostate]

breaking the sign in two by how hard im tapping it

[martyr-inthedark]

Make your Whumpee tired.

Whumpees that have been deprived of sleep by Whumper, so much so that they don't remember how to walk in a straight line and can't figure out whether the recent appearance of little black bugs in their cell are real or a hallucination.

Whumpees that can't get a full night's rest. They doze off, only to be jolted awake by their own anxiety of not knowing when Whumper would come back. Perhaps they are awakened by phlegm-coated coughs induced by their illness. They are awakened by nightmares, or by Caregiver who is worried they may succumb to hypothermia, or by a thunderstorm, or the rough blanket scratching their open wounds, or so on.

Whumpees who pull all nighters to protect their friends or lovers.

Whumpees whose eyes burn when they finally can close their eyes. Whumpees whose muscles twitch, who can't stop yawning no matter how hard they try to stifle it. Whumpees with dark, glassy eyes. Whumpees who are slow to react or have a hard time keeping up with the conversation. Whumpees with throbbing headaches. Whumpees with brain fog and memory loss.

Whumpees who have been on the run and have over exhausted their bodies. Their muscles and joints continue to scream long after its over. Whumpees with extensive blood loss. Whumpees who are malnourished.

Whumpees whose survivor's guilt keeps them awake, wondering what they might have done differently, whether it was all their fault, or why they were the ones to live.

Whumpees whose bodies are in chronic pain or illness and who have to hide it, causing muscle and mental fatigue. They keep going with a smile until they collapse or pass out.

Whumpees who break down in tears, begging to be left alone so they can rest. Whumpees who sob when they are told that the bed in front of them is theirs to use whenever they want.

[stealingyourbones]

I keep seeing the “Constantine is a soul whore” fanon interpretation. It’s fun and enjoyable to read but I do think it’s important to also know the canon and WHY he sold his soul.

he’s only sold his soul to three demons. All of which he did in rapid succession (same night) to trick them into curing his lung cancer because they didn’t want to deal with Satan being mad at them + causing a civil war in hell just because of this fuckers soul being claimed. The message more being that he’s the worlds best conman and less that he sells his soul all the time.

[lgbtlunaverse]

I feel like too often people frame Nie Mingjue's issues as ignorance borne from safety. Like, they think that because of his privilege as a sect leader he doesn't know what it's like to be in danger and forced to make hard choices to survive. And I disagree. Strongly.

First of all, Nie Mingjue is very familiar with death not only from war but from. You know. Actively dying since the age of fourteen. Let us not forget Nie Mingjue is dead! Super dead! And maybe he didn't die the exact way he expected to but he did, absolutely, know he was going to die. To act like Nie Mingjue is unfamiliar with the scenario of "do something you find morally reprehensible or die" is to ignore that he has been living that exact scenario and chose death.

Nie Mingjue knows death is a risk for someone like Jin guangyao, in fact he explicitly acknowledges it even in his worst moments like the stairs in chapter 49. Had his issue been ignorance, then he would've responded to Jin Guangyao saying that he's in danger and has to sacrifice others for his own safety with "No you aren't you'll be fine." But he doesn't. He accepts the fact that jgy is in danger with no qualms and says: then you should die.

That's not him betraying his values, those are his values. He is, essentially, pro-suicide. Jgy is like hey I have a moral dilemma what should I do and nmj straight up goes "Kill yourself" and earlier that same chapter when he was faced with a moral dilemma he went "I'm gonna kill myself." He believes the solution to moral dilemmas is suicide! He is extremely consistent about this! When it's pointed out to him that it would have been dangerous for Wen Qing to oppose Wen Ruohan it doesn't phase him because he thinks putting yourself at risk to do the right thing is the only moral choice. The idea that he can only hold this belief because he is himself somehow not in danger, again, requires you to ignore that he is dying the whole time. And it doesn't deter him. He is the idea of self-sacrifice as a moral good taken to its absolute logical extreme. Someone who is ready to die and demands the same from everyone else.

It makes him a very fun case study for fandom, because a lot of fandom spaces also tend to revere self-sacrifice as the ultimate good, and yet we get very uncomfortable when someone starts demanding it of characters we love. Like woah, hold on, that's a bit too far isn't it? Only we the audience get to do that!

[monsters-demons-and-ai-oh-my]

TW: Talk about mental health and sui ideation and sui attempt

I feel the need to talk more about Jayce's "attempt" again because of what I learned from his journal in the "Council Archives"

There's a fair argument to be made that Jayce was already in a very bad headspace even BEFORE the explosion in his apartment.

If you read Jayce's journals it feels like Jayce was ALREADY spiraling before he got kicked out of the academy. For a few reasons.

-----

1.Jayce was very isolated to begin with.

He was working on experiments he knew were illegal and was so paranoid about being found out he started coming up with insults to call another student who almost caught him throwing away a failed experiment.

He also seemed to only be able to cheer himself up by talking shit about other people's work and how everyone else just couldn't measure up to how important his work was and would be. And when he finally meets Viktor he talks about never really thinking he'd take to working with another scientist.

(Honestly, pre-act 1 Jayce comes off a little more like his LOL counterpart which make me believe Arcane Jayce meeting and working with Viktor as early as he did is what helped make him the version of himself he is in Arcane?)

------

2. Jayce was not really sleeping and his schoolwork and grades were going downhill.

He talks in his journal about the fact that he's not getting to sleep until sunrise a lot of nights because he was trying and failing to make the crystals work.

And as a direct consequence of not sleeping he talks about Heimerdinger (the DEAN) having to come talk to him because his grades are slipping.

Jayce literally decides to make a graph correlating his lack of sleep to his poor academic performance.

(Later he expresses concern that he might get expelled from the academy because his work is slipping that badly).

And remember all the while when he is so sleep-deprived he can't focus on coursework he is FULLY CONVINCED he can figure out Hextech. You know a whole new field of study. It doesn't work, shockingly.

------

3. Ximena was already worried about Jayce wellbeing and trying to get him to go outside and be around others.

He eats some snacks insults some people's work to himself and then goes back to doing what he was doing.

Not a lot to talk about with this one except it's no wonder she tried to get him to back off magic if she could already tell he wasn't okay especially when we consider the state he was in at that point.

You also see that both his mother and Heimerdinger were expressing valid concern for him only for him to brush it off.

-----

4. Near the end of the journal entries before we get to the ACT 1 content he says some concerning things considering his later attempt on his life.

First he starts to doubt what he's getting anywhere he remembers something Heimdinger once said about most inventors failing a 1000 times before succeeding and he makes a self-deprecating joke about "I suppose I must be closing in...".

Then he straight up says he can't see a path forward.

And when makes a pros and cons list of his experiments where he talks about how the work with the crystals is very dangerous and if he pushes to much it could kill him but also how he's in danger of getting expelled if he can't sort out his schoolwork.

and then he writes.

"Which is worse? Killed or expelled?"

Which is certainly a Harry Potter reference but also given his eventual attempt is very telling.

And it's closely followed by him saying his mom was worried about him, which... seems valid.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Also on a side note unrelated to the journal entries.

Jayce's attempt was not a choice made suddenly in a rush of emotion like Viktor's, he planned it.

Jayce not only left what was implied to be a suicide note he took the methodical time to literally WAX SEAL the note with his official house mark. And it took Viktor a long long while of talking to him to get him to back away from the ledge. He was fully committed to committing.

-------------------------------------------------

Final thoughts: I think Jayce was in a place in his mind backed into a corner.

He wasn't able to reach out for help or even trust anyone because of the nature of his work. He wasn't listening to people that were concerned about him. And the way in which Jayce was doing his work was damaging to himself and his life in general. He was spiraling.

He needed someone else there to share the weight of what he was trying to do, to be able to reach out to outside of his own head which was the person Viktor became to him.

Part of me even wonders if Jayce was already in a place where he might have ended up on that ledge without the explosion if he didn't change his ways or have a sudden breakthrough.

[sugarcubetikki]

Compiling all the evidence that Jinx is alive all into one post for anyone who is out of the loop!

Caitlyn looking at the Hexgate design

gifset credit goes to arcane-gifs

When Caitlyn is looking at the Hexgate design, she zooms in and focuses on the vents. Then picks up Jinx’s broken monkey bomb and smirks.

The implication here is that they found the monkey bomb near the vents (as last we saw Jinx she blew it up) but no Jinx anywhere/no body hence Caitlyn suspecting that Jinx is alive and escaped through the vents.

Airship Foreshadowing

gifset credit goes to arcane-gifs

The final shot of the show is an airship leaving Piltover (right after the Caitvi scene too) which is an ominous final shot but it’s a callback to Powder in EP1 saying that “one day she is going to ride one of those things” further supporting the theory that she escaped through the vents and left Piltover via that specific airship.

Trail of Shimmer

After the explosion, you see a singular pink line spark out from it. It is likely that it’s a trail of shimmer which is Jinx escaping/moving out of the region.

Even When We’re Worlds Apart

gifset credit goes to jackietaylorsghost

This is more evidence that Jinx left Piltover through the airship.

The Will To Walk Away

Amanda mentioned that this was the only time we see Silco talking to Jinx in this season and they wanted to make it a powerful scene that told you what the whole point of the series was. The message behind this in the context of Jinx choosing to walk away/leave Piltover to break the cycle of death is basically her leaving to turn a new page/making a fresh start.

And so far, this is all I’ve got and I truly believe Jinx is alive (maybe we’ll get it confirmed eventually or maybe we’ll find out in a spinoff).

If there is anymore evidence you’d like to add, please feel free to share.

[ahmoseinarus]

Cold Salvation

Whumptober 2023 Day 24 Goodbye Note | Neglect | "I thought they were with you." Cold Salvation - Ahmose_Inarus - Critical Role (Web Series) [Archive of Our Own]

[andrewmoocow]

Amanda Waller in My Adventures with Superman: You are the master of your destiny. You control the outcome of this day. The universe gives what you bring to it. Today, you bring fire.

Amanda Waller in Suicide Squad Isekai:

[strangersteddierthings]

What's Eight Plus Seven?

Part One🦇Part Two🦇Part Three🦇Part Four🦇Part Five

Prompt from @devious-kitten

Steve had a mild interest in DnD as a freshmen because of a cousin or something. The interest was killed by Eddie being mean since Steve is a jock. Post vecna Eddie finds dust covered DnD handbook Steve explains and Eddie faces a still hurt Steve as a results of his biases

((Half written fic, half rambling about how it would go down. Apologies for the formatting. Also I added more angst than the prompt called for hehe))

Steve has always loved sports. This is a well-known fact. He's played on some sort of sports team from the time he was old enough for his parents to be able to sign him up.

A lesser-known fact is that Steve loves fantasy. Or, at least, he used to. On the playground in elementary school, Steve could often be found playing knights and dragons, and it was anyone's guess if he would be a knight or a dragon on any particular day.

The summer between middle and high school, Steve spent with his grandparents from his mother's side, on the farm they'd retired on in Michigan. A month long stay that he'd shared with his cousins, Amber, Robert, and Christopher. Amber and Robert are twins, four years younger than Steve, and Christopher was two years older and infinitely cooler than anyone else Steve knew.

Christopher was on the varsity basketball team at his high school when he was just a sophomore, captain of the JV football team, president of the chess club, and in a games club.

Christopher was everything Steve wanted to be now that he was going to be in high school. Minus the chess club because

It was during that summer, Steve got to indulge in playing make believe for another summer with his younger cousins, without the judgement of people (his father and peers) who thought he was too old for such things. He also got to learn about make believe for older kids, because Christopher played a game called Dungeons and Dragons with his game club the last month of school before summer break and spent many evenings going over what had happened with Steve as a captive audience.

"I wish I'd brought the books," Christopher had whispered to him one night from the bed, peaking over to look down at Steve in his sleeping bag on the floor, "we could have played."

Steve wishes he'd brought the books, too.

At the end of July, Christopher, Amber, and Robert's parents show up to pick them up, five days before Steve's scheduled flight to Indianapolis. It's a sad goodbye because one summer a year isn't enough with his cousins but they live in Washington. Steve's always jealous their parents drive all the way to pick them up, but a little proud he gets to brag about how he's flown alone since he was seven. No one else in his class can brag about that.

His mom picks him up in Indianapolis and they go back to school shopping while there.

A week later, Steve receives a package from Christopher. Inside Steve finds Advanced Dungeons and Dragons books, three of them, and even though Christopher said nothing about advanced, he's sure he can manage. On the inside cover of the players handbook, Christopher has written:

Hey Steve, I think you'd rock playing a dwarf paladin. Let's play next summer? Christopher 1981

He spends the last three weeks of summer vacation reading the player handbook cover to cover and making a character. It's slow going, because letters don't stay where they're supposed to be on the page (that's a problem he's had his whole life, so he's not surprised but he is determined), and he's never been good at math, so getting the stats down on paper isn't easy. He can't decide what he wants to play, so he makes two characters; an elf magic-user and, of course, a dwarf paladin.

(He's a little disappointed you can't be a dragon.)

Steve's never been one to dread the first day of school, but he's never actually looked forward to it, either. It's just been another day.

Until today.

Today is his first day as a high schooler. And the only people who go to the first day are Freshman, except the upper classman that have volunteered to man the booths for school activities for the last hour of the day. It's supposed to help the Freshman get the lay of the land without being overwhelming and Steve's excited for it. He needs to see if Hawkins High has a games club like Christopher's school does.

Here Steve is, that last hour of school. He's already been to the basketball booth, promising to sign up as soon as the season started, and the swim booth because he's got a pool at his house and has been swimming for as long as he can remember and knows he enjoys it. He also stops by the football booth even though he's never played, or cared much, for it. (Maybe he's trying to emulate Christopher, sue him.). So, the final thing is to see if Hawkins High offers a chess club and a game club.

Steve is delighted to see that, though there is no games club, there is a Dungeons and Dragons club! That delight wavers because of the kid manning the booth. His hair is curly and falls just below his ears, with big brown eyes. Steve hates to think it, but he'd be cute if he didn't look like he wanted to stab Steve.

"Yeah, no, keep walking," says the boy, pulling the flier with meeting information on it out from under Steve's hand, where he'd been attempting to read it.

Steve looks up, brows furrowed in confusion. "I was reading that."

"And I said no. Jocks don't play Dungeons and Dragons."

"I could," Steve says, offended. He squints at the name tag sticker slapped diagonally across the way too big jean vest this guy's wearing. E-d-d-i-e. Eddie.

"Have you ever played?"

"Well... no, but-"

"No buts. Mitch let a jock join last year and that was a nightmare. He could barely read the rule book. And with how you were squinting down at the flier, and then my name tag, you're not going to be much better."

Jokes on Eddie, Steve's already read the rule book. Even if it was slowly. "I can read just fine."

"Can you math, then? What's eight plus seven?"

"What?"

"Simple addition. Eight plus seven. What is it?"

Steve knows simple addition. This is fine. It doesn't matter than he's been put on the spot, and that math is hard for the same reason as reading. He can do this. His hand twitches with wanting to pull it up and use it to keep track. He's faster at math when he can do that, but this jerk is mean mugging him and he just knows if he moves his hand, this guy will mock him the rest of the school year.

Eight plus seven. Ok. Make it easier, get to ten. It takes adding two to the eight to get ten. Ok. Take that two away from the seven now. That makes... five! Ok. Ten plus five is-

"Dude, it's fifteen," Eddie snaps.

"I knew that!"

Scoff. "Right. How about seventeen plus six."

Steve can feel his face turning red with embarrassment but he's not going to let this jackass be right. Round up. It takes three to get seventeen to twenty, so take three away from the six-

"23. Point proven. Go. Away. Go play your jock games and leave me- us alone."

Steve opens his mouth to argue, or maybe plead, that he can do this, and that, more importantly, he wants to do this, but laughter cuts through the air and for the first time, Steve notices the audience that has gathered. Three people are laughing at him, and his inability to do mental math, and it makes Steve snap his jaw shut and swallow.

"Mental math isn't that hard, Steve," one of them, Brant, says, as he elbows the guy next to him.

"Thank you!" Eddie says, "that's what I'm saying."

"Whatever, man, like I'd want to play make believe at this age anyway," Steve mutters and rushes away.

If, two weeks later, Steve watches Kyle trip who he now knows is Eddie 'The Freak' Munson in the bathroom, and drag him into a stall for a swirly, well, no he didn't. He briefly thinks of saying something to stop Kyle, but shoves the words down and instead turns on heel and leaves that bathroom just as the sound of flushing and Eddie yelling start. The thick bathroom door does a good job of muffling the noise and if Steve feels any guilt about that, he shoves that down, too.

Besides, Kyle's the captain of the basketball team and if Steve wants a chance to be on that team, he can't stay anything. It's a well-known fact that Steve likes sports, after all. He's going to stick to that. Screw Eddie Munson and his Dungeons and Dragons club.

Steve will get to play Dungeons and Dragons with Christopher next summer.

Except, halfway through the school year, Steve and his parents quickly board a plane bound for Washington. Turns out being as perfect as Christopher was is hard. Overwhelming.

They arrive the day before the funeral, and fly out right after it. Steve barely has time to mourn before they're shuffling him back to school that Monday.

Christopher died, and with him, so does Steve's desire to be just like him. He quits the football team. He keeps basketball because he does like it, even without Christopher's influence. He can't bring himself to get rid of the Dungeons and Dragons books, but he can't look at them, either. They end up in the downstairs hall closet, forgotten on the shelf.

So, years later, after rising to the top of the food chain (no one was ever going to embarrass him like Eddie Munson had again) and then falling to the bottom (who cares about high school popularity when interdimensional monsters exist) and of course, the years of fighting against said interdimensional monsters before ending it all in spring of '86, Steve finds himself, unwillingly, agreeing to host Hellfire since the school banned the club following the events of spring break.

Damn Dustin Henderson. Steve usually has the backbone to say no but Dustin had to play up 'getting a chance to finally just be kids' and fuck, how was Steve going to say no to that? Despite how quickly his own desire to be a freshman playing Dungeons and Dragon had been squashed, he can't be the one to ruin this for them.

"Thanks for hosting, man," Eddie says when Steve lets him in. He's an hour early but had asked if that was okay. Apparently the dungeon master has a lot of prep to do? Not that Steve would know.

"Sure," Steve says, dismissively, because while Eddie and he went through hell together, and Steve carried his sorry ass out of the Upside Down, Steve can't quite let his guard down around him.

It's funny. In the Upside Down, Eddie had made a point to tell him he's changed, is a 'good dude' now. So, what's funny is how much Eddie is exactly the same person he was five years ago. He was an ass to Steve five years ago, and as far as Steve is concerned, was also an ass to Lucas for wanting to play basketball just this year.

He swears to God, if he hears one negative thing about Lucas tonight, he's punching Eddie unconscious, no matter what the rest of Hellfire will do or say about it.

Eddie's been in his dining room for maybe five minutes before he finds Steve in the living room. Steve's got a movie playing but he couldn't tell you which one. He's not really watching it.

"Do you got a table cloth for that big table? Jeff's got a set of metal dice and I'd feel like a real ass if we scratched it on accident."

Steve takes a deep breath before answering. He hates that Eddie is considerate like this, has been since spring break if Steve's being honest, but he doesn't want to see Eddie's good qualities. So, he waves in the direction of the closet. "Yeah. There should be some in the hall closet there. Help yourself."

"Thanks."

He twists on the couch to watch Eddie cross the room to the closet door, listens as the door creaks opens, hears the quiet, pleased noise Eddie lets out when his eyes land on the stack of table clothes. Steve continues to watch as Eddie just grabs the whole stack and yanks them off the top shelf.

Which means his watching as the stack of non-fabric objects, which must have been half atop the table clothes, also tumble out of the closet, bouncing off various parts of Eddie. It's a bunch of miscellaneous items. However, Steve realizes with horror, the book that bounces off Eddie's head is his copy of the Monster Manual. Eddie has stepped back in surprise (and possibly pain), so the Dungeon Master Guide and the Players Handbook bounce off his torso and leg before landing on the ground.

"Fuck," Eddie curses, before he stares down at what just assaulted him. Steve just stares at Eddie, watching as he slowly comes to comprehend what he's seeing. He watches as Eddie bends down and grabs the Player Handbook, the last thing to fall, from a top the pile. "What the-"

Steve stands, suddenly defensive, but doesn't actually say anything or move closer. He just watches as Eddie examines the book, flipping it from front to back in his hand like the title will change if he does that enough times.

Then, Eddie turns to him, bewildered. "Present for one of the kids? Thought they all had their own copies."

"No."

Eddie flips the book open. Reads the words written in there so many years ago. "Who's Christopher? Wait. 1981? You were playing D&D in 1981?"

"None of your business, and no," Steve says, now kicking into action, stomping up to Eddie and snatching the book from his hands.

Eddie hold his hands up in defense before his eyes turn mischievous. The same glint in them now that was there when Eddie'd leaned into this space in the RV and called him big boy. "Are you lying to me, Stevie? You've played before, haven't you?"

It makes Steve's blood boil. "No. I haven't played!"

"Alright. You could now, you know," Eddie says. And it's the way he says it, all nonchalant and like he's trying to be coy about it- it tips something over inside Steve. A bottle that held his humiliation and hurt from all those years ago.

"Oh, now I'm good enough for D&D? Now I can join? Aren't I too much of a jock for you!?"

"Whoa, what's with the hostility-"

"What's eight plus seven, Eddie!?" Steve snaps. His memory might be shit these days, with all the concussions, but the unfortunate part about Steve is that he always seems to remember the bad. And he remembers Freshman First Day like yesterday. "No? How about seventeen plus six? Come on, mental math isn't hard. Or don't you remember? I'm just a stupid jock too slow on the uptake, or no, what was it you said? It'll be a nightmare to play with me, 'cause I might be barely able to read the rules?"

He watches as Eddie's face morphs from confusion, to understanding and horror. "Holy shit, Steve. That was you- you wanted to join Hellfire-"

"Yeah, and you made it pretty fuckin' clear I didn't belong in it."

"I'm sorry man. I shouldn't have- if I'd known you, I never would have-"

"That's the problem, Eddie!" Steve shouts, waving the book in front of him. "You didn't know me. You looked at me and decided for me that I was going to be a jock and nothing else and then humiliated me in front of other people! You didn't even bother to try to know me. I spent three weeks reading this stupid book cover to cover because I knew I was shit at reading and I still wanted to try anyway."

He sees Eddie puffing up in anger. "Well, I wasn't exactly wrong, was I? You were a jock, a bully even!"

"Yeah, because I was a dumb, hurt kid who decided that it was better to hurt than be hurt. As if you weren't exactly the same that day, lashing out at me first, at my reading ability, and mocking me for not being quick at math. Fuck you, Munson!" Steve walks away, not hearing anything Eddie shouts after him as he sprints up the stairs and shuts himself in his room.

Steve knows he was a dick in high school, and it's not Eddie's fault he was a dick. Steve made choices he's not proud of and no one forced those choice on him. But Eddie doesn't get to throw that back in his face. Not when Eddie made him feel humiliated and stupid on the first goddamn day of high school, long before Steve became mean himself.