#suffering caregiver

[psalacanthea]

dreading what's going to happen to the programs my ppl depend on

[headcanontheshitoutofsoulsborne]

I will put this blog on a little hiatus. I have a lot to do lately in my private life and it is hard finding the motivation for this blog. I want to collect a few headcanons first and slowly work through them and then open the queue again once I have enough. I am sorry and I hope you understand.

[itspileofgoodthings]

If Jane Austen could write about my family from the outside and I could read it then maybe I would be healed.

[exoscreamsoda]

im finally not jobless

it took me 200+ applications (not on indeed but directly on compan websites) and almost 2 years since graduating college (WHERE I EARNED A BACHELORS WITH CUM LAUDE HONORS). im 24 years old and i was just now able to secure a job that wasn't given to me out of pity. it should NOT have taken me 6 years of adulthood to get even a chance at having a normal life, out of those 200 applications i only had 3 interviews, all online except for this final one. it should NOT be this hard to get a job in a country with help wanted signs everywhere. i wish every single ceo/boss/boomer in this country had to go through the pain and suffering of job hunting when you have no nepotism to help you.

[creaturebloom]

god i just need all of this to be over already !!!

i'm so tired, god, i am so tired of this. we can't keep doing this but i know we're going to. i know there's no fucking end until he just dies and that could be another ten fucking years.

i hate this. i hate this so bad. nothing in my life will ever suck this fucking much for this fucking long and there's just no end in sight.

[thermesiini]

I REMEMBER what i was going to say. vanitas (character) is also vanitas (concept) and an allegory for a cycle of systematic suffering and abuse that exists haplessly and without purpose. noé right from the start is in denial over the existence of such useless suffering (thinking he can save mina) and continues to deny this by writing the case study of vanitas, his futile attempt to scrape off some meaning from such a bleak allegory. while he can understand that killing vanitas is a form of salvation for him i don’t think that can come to terms with the fact that vanitas did suffer at all. so to write the case study of vanitas, trying to go over the events of their lives together, and trying to piece together vanitas the person he ends up disrespecting his existence altogether, simply by over scrutinizing it. vanitas did not want to be remembered. by saying he wanted to erase the existence of the votbm, he is saying he wants to erase his suffering from this world. what noé does with the case study is essentially immortalize it, because he is selfish, naive, and wants to understand something inscrutable. rather than taking comfort in the fact that vanitas can continue to exist in his memories, like how he will tell him as he dies (i won’t die noé even if i’m no longer here) noé bastardizes these memories and turns them into something almost masturbatory

[werewolfmack]

There is no person in my personal life who I can talk to about metastatic tumors in the way that I want to, to process being around them daily

Not daily that is just how my mind completed the sentence... A few times a week. Enough time between to see how they grow and change.

[wholelottawhump]

One of my favorite dynamics:

The constantly injured and battered, looking guilty and apologetic, shrug "Heh heh, SEE WHAT HAPPENED WAS." "I WAS BEING CAREFUL." "THEY HIT ME FIRST."

The long suffering and frustrated caregiver who fusses at them the whole time they're bandaging them.

"YOU WENT TO THE STORE TO GET MILK. HOW THE HELL DID YOU BREAK THREE FINGERS."

It devolves into the whumpee walking in and smiling guiltily and the caregiver hangs their head and reaches for their VERY WELL STOCKED first aid kit.

Bonus if the whumpee starts to try to hide their injuries to avoid the lecture and then they get it WORSE when the caregiver finds out.

"What are you doing?"

"Nothing. Looking for some stuff. What're you doing?"

"Why are you limping?"

"I'm not limping, you're limping."

"Okay then, smart ass. Walk to that chair."

"I'm good right here."

Caregiver slams the med kit on the table and looks expectantly at the whumpee, who avoids eye contact and hobbles to the table and flops in the chair.

Caregiver doesn't raise their voice yet, they pull off the whumpee's shoe and sock to look at their ankle.

"Your ankle looks like a cantaloupe. What happened?"

"Running jump off a curb.. into a pothole."

"....why?"

"I was jaywalking.."

"J A Y W A L K I N G? ARE YOU SERIOUS? YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE WITHOUT A HANDLER FROM HERE ON OUT. YOU NEED AN X-RAY BECAUSE I'M PRETTY SURE YOU HAVE A FRACTURE. AND WHY WERE YOU JUST WALKING AROUND ON IT? HOW LONG WOULD YOU HAVE HIDDEN THIS?"

"It was an accident.."

They pinch the bridge of their nose

"..let me get my keys, we're going to the hospital. Lean on me.."

"..thanks."

"You're welcome.. idiot."

[cherry-treelane]

I forgot how bad Monica pisses me off oh my goodness

[sounknownvoid]

Say this louder: " pretending dean did a great job raising sam and gave him a good childhood isn’t any fairer to dean than it is to sam, because the point isn’t that dean did a good job, the point is that dean never should have been given that job in the first place" ....

Dean WANTED TO BE Sam's awesome big brother and mother and father and EVERYTHING to sam - he wasn't necessarily GOOD AT IT, though...

In fact he says as much to Mary in s12:

"And I failed" ...( can't find that gif atm)

n that's really the underlying source of his guilt complex(es) - how badly he feels he let sam down by not being able to give/be those things for him....n it's not for lack of trying or wanting on his part - he.is.simply.NOT. upto. the. task(coz it's not his task n he's a kid) - fueling a permanent sense of inadequacy (hence why why every issue feels an "apocalypse" to him and every person against them is a "monster" - if we're gonna further psycho-babble it but i digress)....

repeat: DEAN IS NOT A PARENT TO SAM n NOT GOOD at caretaking sam in childhood, no matter how much he loved sam n wanted to be - his is a child's view of taking care which is prolly worse with its child's lack of understanding of what care looks like and what hurts n shouldn't be done etc... have uvwatched kids with dolls n things - they're absolutely savage even when they're trying to be "careful "...

Sam's been subjected to neglect n abuse since birth - whether intentional or as a result of a kid trying to take care of him ineptly, the result n effect on him is the same...

once in a while i’ll see someone act like sam had a good (or even spoiled) childhood just because he had dean taking care of him and all i can think is, are we talking about the same sam? the sam who wanted to get away from his family so badly as a child that his imaginary friend, a real being with his best interest at heart, was encouraging him to run away? the sam who was so miserable at home that the times he was able to get away became all of his best memories? that’s the sam we’re saying had a good childhood?

dean may have done his best to care for sam and sam may express a lot of appreciation for that in hindsight, but it doesn’t change the fact that a kid is never going to be able to be a good primary caregiver to another kid. dean wasn’t a father or mother to sam; mary was sam’s mom who was gone for good and john was sam’s dad who was gone most of the time and sam was a kid raised without real parental nurturance or really any kind of consistent support from an adult in his life. he may have had a brother who tried to fill that gap, but that was always going to be a sisyphean task for a fellow child. dean being the closest thing he had to a good parent doesn’t make his childhood better, it just means he didn’t have a good parent in his life at all because dean was never a parent, much less a good one.

pretending dean did a great job raising sam and gave him a good childhood isn’t any fairer to dean than it is to sam, because the point isn’t that dean did a good job, the point is that dean never should have been given that job in the first place. he was a child with far more weight on his shoulders than he could reasonably be expected to handle and sam was a child abandoned by the person who actually should have been caring for him. both of them were neglected by the only family they had left, and both of them suffered for it.

[chewysgummies]

I'll be honest when I say that I honestly daydream about Killbot 86 being my caregiver yesterday during night because I was getting a bit nervous & scared. I don't know what problem I have, but suddenly my mind started thinking about killbot 86 taking care of me

[radrobotz]

i reaaallyyy gotta post about shattered casually more cuz every time i make some new development i get so hyped but cant really share it without needing to give context starting from "who the fuck is this" 😭

[kkoffin]

Stop hating your womb and making caricatures of your female anatomy being an angry or evil thing that only wants you to be pregnant or bring you pain and start hating:

• The medical industry for ignoring women’s pain and suffering for generations, not putting the same effort into researching the female body as it does male bodies, often acting as though women are simply small men

• Men in history who mass-slaughtered female medical practitioners and midwives, calling their research into women’s health witchcraft

• Capitalism and a male-orientated workforce and education system that fails to consider and factor women’s needs into it’s demand

• Patriarchal disgust for women’s bodies and their functions

• The sexualisation and shame of female bodies to the point where young women cannot seek help for their issues from caregivers/doctors/parents without fear and embarrassment

Yes, periods are inconvenient and often painful, but before you get frustrated with your body, demonising and blaming it, realise it would not be the way it is if not for a mass-scale medical and scientific negligence of women’s issues. Your body does not hate you- patriarchy does. Aim your energy and efforts there.

[ghosts-and-glory]

Is Shamura training martial arts after being taken into Lamb's cult? If they enjoyed complexity and bloodshed of war than it'd be probably dissapointing for them if they had to... drop it all

Full under the cut because this turned out really long

Upon joining the cult Shamura was a shell of their former self. They join the cult dissenting, the long term effects of the crown still clawing at the edges of their mind, but after a few days they’re mortal, just themself. Without the crown to hold them together they suffer like their injury was yesterday.

The Lamb has the doctor, Puar, perform their usual tests on them. Shamura is hardly there. They don’t know their own name, can hardly speak, can’t stand or track movement.

There was no wisdom in their slurred words. No power in the way their hands shook.

The outlook is bad.

The Lamb doesn’t really want to help them, after everything, why should they. Shamura who had The Lamb’s entire race and family killed, who killed them aswell and countless of their followers. It would cost them so much, to try and help someone who spent so long just trying to destroy them and everything they had. The time, energy, resources it would cost and they didn’t even know if they could get better.

Deciding it wasn’t worth it was one thing, but getting the other ex bishops to understand was a whole other, even the doctor disagreed with them.

Dr Puar took on being their primary caregiver. They’d been a doctor for the past hundred years and seen concussions and dementia but nothing nearly as severe as this. They wanted to help Shamura but didn’t know how.

It wasn’t until Narinder joined the cult that The Lamb saw any reason to help Shamura. But there was something wrong with him and Shamura knew something, they just had to get to it.

Kallamar was the ex bishop Puar wanted the help from the most. He was scared of the lamb and red crown but he loved Shamura more.

The Lamb took Puar and Kallamar to the ruins of the temples in Anchordeep and Silk Cradle. They spent days digging through the decimated remains of the libraries for something, anything on this type of injury.

It seemed that they where looking down possible years of intense recovery. Needed herbs and medicines that may no longer exist, techniques Puar had never heard of. But they would try.

Puar took careful and detailed notes. Timed Shamura’s responses, wrote down everything they said, tracked eating, drinking, sleeping and every symptom they displayed. Improvements where slow and sometimes nonexistent at first. They took full minutes to respond and only in single words, barley moved, couldn’t feed themselves and suffered constant migraines.

The one thing that seemed to help them the most was their siblings. They didn’t remember them most days but every time one of they came to check in it raised their spirits. One of their faces was the only thing they could focus on sometimes.

Kallamar insisted he wasn’t a doctor but still worked around the infirmary, helping Shamura was the only thing he’d do without complaining. Heket spent hours sitting in silence with them, brought them food and flowers and changed their bandages. Leshy was the only thing that could get them to smile and they where the only person he would ever lower his voice for, he told them stories even though they hardly listened.

Improvements brought new challenges. They got better at speaking full sentences and following conversations but it revealed how fractured their memory was. Forgetting names, places and important events, how often they forgot where they where, they asked the same questions over and over again.

They complained of seeing and hearing things, phantom pains with seemingly no rhyme or reason. The sun hurt their eyes, rain gave them headaches, always sleeping but always tired. They would suddenly backslide constantly. One day could walk with minimal help and the next, couldn’t even hold a pen in their hand. Have a full conversation one day and hardly spit out their name tomorrow.

Until the day Puar looked Shamura in the eye and for once they saw him. Didn’t look past them with their blank stare but looked at them. They would ask to sit outside at night in the fresh air. They seemed to know now who they are, what they where, what they lost. A tinge of grief in their words.

Improvements brought frustration. On days they remembered who they where they were overcome with a mix of anger, guilt and despair. They where a god. They had bore down on armies, killed men with a twitch of a finger, brought other gods to their knees, and now they could hardly bring a cup to their mouth.

Emotionally, their siblings said they’d never seen them like this before. Before Shamura could be frustrated but their temper was cold and quiet. Now they wore a short fuse and suffered constant mood swings. It angered them that they couldn’t read, that their hands were numb, that they couldn’t walk without a cane, couldn’t go out in the sun, couldn’t string a full sentence together, couldn’t recognize their siblings faces, couldn’t feed themselves, couldn’t sleep without drugs, everything they lacked and lost wore them down.

Regardless, they where unusually steadfast. They would always pick back up. If they got frustrated they would try again in a few days. They tried anything Puar asked of them, anything for the smallest iota of improvement.

The outlook was better.

—————

This got out of control and took me like three days between the art and write up. I got really excited when I saw this ask cause the answer is so devastating. If I was taking Narinder’s trauma seriously I’m not gonna just ignore Shamura’s traumatic brain injury.

As a side note, I’m very unsure how to write the medical stuff, my guess is that cotl is based around 1300’s-1700’s but that’s a wide net to cast. My excuse for the stronger understanding of medicine and trauma is magic.