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#i dont even have a car because ive never had enough money. no apartment after college
exoscreamsoda · 2 months
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im finally not jobless
it took me 200+ applications (not on indeed but directly on compan websites) and almost 2 years since graduating college (WHERE I EARNED A BACHELORS WITH CUM LAUDE HONORS). im 24 years old and i was just now able to secure a job that wasn't given to me out of pity. it should NOT have taken me 6 years of adulthood to get even a chance at having a normal life, out of those 200 applications i only had 3 interviews, all online except for this final one. it should NOT be this hard to get a job in a country with help wanted signs everywhere. i wish every single ceo/boss/boomer in this country had to go through the pain and suffering of job hunting when you have no nepotism to help you.
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remembering-angels · 6 months
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My 70s past life a little bit more in depth (trigger warning)
my story is a bit hard to explain, i guess ill have to ask someone to believe in reincarnation in order to read this story, but i guess it wont be too confusing, i don't believe ive changed that much. so i guess ill have to go back, before i was a child in the garden or even before i could speak, back before i could walk, back before my mother even thought of my existence, back before i was born, back to that dark forest in 1974, laying on that cold hard ground ,my arms, my body becoming numb, someone takes my last breath away and the full moon illuminates his desire , a dark desire to possess, as if i was a flower he had picked out in a garden ,but i was a human and so was he, his cold arms trace down my body, my last breath gets trapped in his mouth, the whispers around me grow closer,tiny whispers calling me to leave this body, it is time to leave, it is time to leave a body that's no longer mine, to find a new vessel for all my hopes and dreams and pain, no that body laying there on the damp forest floor ,under the man i once met on an evening stroll down my campus , that body he tears apart with his bare hands is now his vessel for his dark desires and my hopes and dreams need to find a new home now.
'you are so stupid , stupid , stupid, why would you get in to his car? why would you follow him?' i berated myself for a long time after remembering that life. i dont remember how i moved on, there was no door and the only light in the forest was the sunrise above the trees , did i really spend the whole night with him? my killer did not leave me with a neat little guidebook on what do after you get murdered but he did leave me with a name , Ted. now looking back at it saying 'i got in to a VW bug with a man named ted' sounds like the stupidest thing to say, maybe it is. but back then i didn't know of the other girls he took to that ride before me, i didn't know about the other girls who could write an identical story to me.
i was only a 20 something girl that felt incredibly lost in life. even back then i was dreaming of more than life could offer me, i just felt tired of people always asking me 'what you want to do with your life' i don't know, i don't know, my boyfriend at the time seemed to have everything figured out, marriage, work , smoking weed , but how can i marry someone when i don't even know what i want, my parents and i had i suppose just the regular relationship a middle class family in america would have, fights here and there but overall i remember a lot of love,i regret not telling them more often that i loved them, i regret the fights. and i was in love with my bf because he was funny and he had the warmest hugs, he always wanted to know everything inside my brain ,i should have told him that i wanted something else, i never had the heart to breakup with him , he was my friend since highschool. my father always wanted the best to me , for me to marry someone successful so he could provide for me or i could go to a job that would actually bring me money haha in this life i always missed having a father and in that life i always worried about my father,he was always cheerful and in times stern, i wish i had gotten along better with my mother too,she always saw the world differently.
my house had wooden walls that i always found comforting and warm ,they were so inviting, the bricks in my state university were red and depressing to me back then, they were too boring, too dull, the library in the uni was not my favorite place but it was silent enough to let me think and i often would use the phone there.
one night in early 1974 i felt too suffocated being in my dorm room, the open window didn't help at all, my mood started to fall in to a bit of a depressive spiral, i looked out of the window in to the dark street below and decided taking a walk is just what my tired brain needs, the walk from my dorm didn't seem long and i took my time. its strange looking back at something and realizing that that strange feeling of looking behind your shoulder as you walk is just your intuition screaming, i carefully looked behind me as i walked but there was no one there, what was i so afraid of that night, what footsteps did i feel behind me. by the time i reached my destination it was already so late at night, i sat down on the bench sulking in my own thoughts ,i was so preoccupied with them that i didnt notice a man sitting next to me, he was tall, clean shaven, light brown hair, watch on his right wrist. he introduced himself politely, said his name was ted, i wasnt really in the mood to make new friends that night si i politely answered him back and said i have to go back in to my dorm now, since it started to be really late at night.but ted didnt take this as a sign to say goodbye, he followed me down to the dark street, my new ''friend'' kept chatting with me as we turned down the ally way, up to the parking lot , his car , an old vw was standing in the darkness of the parking lot, i should go now i told him as i turned around to head back to the campus, he kept insisting on me staying but i kept saying goodbye, at some point i guess his patience ran out, i turn away from him , i suddenly feel a hand grabbing my wrist, before i could even understand whats going on, my head slams against his car with a force that leaves my vision blurry and my body disoriented, i try to grab in to something, anything , his hands pin me down to the car, the pain in my head just gets sharper and sharper. i wake up again, i am in the seat besides him, my body feels numb, i look at him, his face is blank and he stares in to the road, no emotion, nothing , he doesnt hear or care about me begging him to let me go, i start crying for him to let me go thats where he grabs my hair, pulls me to himself and tells me ''shut up or ill make it worse for you'' thats the moment i realized that i shouldnt mess with him, that he is dangerous, i was too scared to even dare to make a sound or breath too loudly. he keeps driving and then he stops in the forest,near some kind of shed, he forces me inside . and thats probably where i should end that story.
thanks for reading!
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offtopicoverload · 4 years
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What do you think the female lis’ families are like? I feel like only the guys talk about their families, with the exception being Talia talking about her parents and brother I don’t think any of the other girls do at all
hi anon thanks for the ask, hope my headcanons make sense
Talia:
pretty nuclear family, an older brother, her mum and her dad
her older brother’s maybe 4 years older or so, not enough that they never saw each other but enough that they didn’t really meet in school or anything
and that’s definitely why she meshes so well with the Jake even though they have like 6 years between them, shes used to the gap and hes really similar to her brother anyway, both goofy but sweet when they need to be
she definitely really close with her mother, i know its mentioned that they look just like each other, but i think that dialogues universal for the S1 LIs
and her mum owns a salon, right?
thats definitely why she takes such good care of her hair, her mother always did when she was little and encouraged it, complimenting her on it and styling it whenever she wanted
and she worked at the salon when she was a teenager and it was summer, working the front desk or cleaning up, sorting products, that sort of thing
its definitely a different story with her dad, hes pretty traditional and didnt take her coming out very well
it ruined things between them for a while and made it hard for her to visit, she only saw her brother at his place and her mother at the salon, but after LI, if shes with MC, he eases up a bit when he sees how happy they are
shes so open about her sexuality, especially on the show, because she doesn’t want any other kids to feel alone, she knows how much it sucked when she was a teenager
if she ends with MC, her mothers there at the finale and just showers MC in compliments and comments about wedding bells to mess with Talia
and her brother loves teaming up with MC and Jake to tease her 
the first time he met Jake, Talia thought they’d get married on the spot cuz they just meshed so well
her dads wary at first, but once its clear that MCs not going anywhere, maybe he catches them talking about him or something and just being vulnerable with each other, which is something Talia never was with him, he starts welcoming MC more, buys her flowers or something the next time they visit and annoys Talia because he didnt get any for her
Allegra:
ive been headcanoning for a while that she has a really big family and an awful relationship with them
her parents got divorced when she was little, maybe 3 or 4, they both remarried, her mom got divorced and remarried again, so she has a ton of half and step siblings, but no full
because there were so many kids in whatever household she was staying in at the time she kinda got lost in the crowd, which is why shes so desperate for attention on the show, she never got any when she was younger
and no matter what happens on the show, her parents dont call her or come to the finale, the only person that says anything is the one step sibling shes close with
they're about the same age, maybe 8 months to a year apart, and were glued to each others side when they were tweens
but they live really far apart and her step sister couldn’t make it to the finale, so they barely see each other which makes them drift apart a bit
if MC runs away with her after the reunion, she gushes to her step sister and they get closer again, to the point that her sister moves in with her for a job a year or two later, maybe right before quarantine if MC doesn’t so they don’t go insane
MC and her sister get on well and always call her Leggy just to watch her get mad, and they’re the only two people that can get her to calm down when shes pissed, her anger being another side effect of being ignored as a kid
the only way she got attention was if she threw a fit, and eventually that frustration just stuck around
but she gets better when she gets closer with her sister again and after the backlash from the show dies down, which it does pretty quickly when her and MC announce their relationship since she was the fan favourite
she never really introduces MC to her family, it just doesn’t make sense to her, but MC drags her along to a few weddings and holiday parties until Allegra’s dad introduces himself to her like its the first time four events in a row
she gives up after that, and Allegra’s perfectly fine with it, she’d rather keep their relationship between them anyway
Marisol
like Talia, she has the same family dynamic - an older brother and her parents
but her brothers only a year older and their relationship is a lot tenser
her dad always encouraged competition between them - if one got a good mark on an exam, the other was expected to match or do even better, if her brother got an award, Marisol was expected to get it a year later, that sort of thing
she doesn’t really talk with her brother outside of formal or family events, there’s still a lot of tension from their teenage years between them, but Marisol’s too proud to admit it, and her brother is too
and she’d never admit it, but the whole reason she’s in law school is because her father wanted her to, and she was just lucky that she enjoyed it
and again, like Talia, her dad didnt take her attempt at coming out well, he just flat out denied it, told her she’d meet a nice guy and settle down, that is what just a phase, all that shit
neither her mother or brother stuck up for her, which pissed her off a bit and just made things worse
her mother was never that involved in her life, never seemed that interested unless she was getting perfect marks and competing in dance competitions
and because she was so focused on her studies and work, she never had many friends and has honestly always seen them as a waste of time
its why she has no problem shitting on Lottie’s girl code, to her it just never made sense
so most of her friends end up being from the show and MCs friends if they’re together, and shes not big on family events, her immediate family isn’t either
but she is really close to her abuela on her mum’s side and an older cousin on her dad’s who’s gay and shes always related to 
she got really excited to introduce MC to them, and her abuela made a whole array of food for Marisol, MC,  and her abuelo and her abuela cooed over MC for ages
her cousin bought them drinks and made them tell him stories from the Villa, and afterwards pulled Marisol aside and told her he was proud and approved of MC and it made her really mushy and she hated it, MC wouldn’t let go that she cried in the cab for ages
her brother and her mother were never particularly rude to MC, but her father definitely was cold and distant and disrespectful
she got pretty pissed after that, telling MC off for ever encouraging to go and shouting about why that kind of thing was the exact reason she kept her distance
her and MC definitely has some issues after that for a while, and she shut her dad out until he gave a halfhearted apology, but her cousin and abuelos helped her feel better about her family situation
Elisa:
her parents aren’t together anymore and her mum had custody of her most of her life, even though she struggled to raise her and her sister
she didnt know her dad that well until she was a in her late teens, but regardless of all the lost time, they still have a good relationship
makeup and art was an escape when she was younger, and even when her mother was exhausted after working multiple shifts, she always encouraged her and helped her improve or just told her she loved it
her mum was her biggest supporter when she started the whole influencer thing, and her favourite thing to spend her money on is things for her family, like flowers for when she visits her mum or a new phone for her younger sister
they’re seven years apart, so she never had that close of a relationship with her when she was young, because what 13 year old wants to hang out with their annoying 6 year old sister
but once she got a bit older she started taking her to the movies and shopping to bond and encouraging her own art
her sister loves music, and even if she cant relate to it directly, she always does her best to support her
she even got kassam to make her sister a mixtape after the show and give some tips on mixing, and if MCs a musician she always asks her to give her sister lessons or something
introducing MC to her whole family all at once was one of her favourite things to do, she took them all to dinner and bought MC a dress and everything
her parents loved MC and laughed at all her jokes, and MC nearly joked on her salad at a story her dad was telling 
and even though her sister was pretty quiet, she told Elisa how much she liked her afterwards
they all start a family game night that is Elisa’s favourite thing to post about all week, and even though her parents haven’t been together since she was 7 or so, they still get on well and now that her dad’s more comfortable being there even though he’s not with her mum, hes more involved in her sisters life
her job and her Elisabees are crazy important to her, but she’d drop all of it for her family, even if she doesn’t seem super sappy
Lottie
shes an only child for sure, but with a few cousins shes decently close with
her relationship with her parents isn’t perfect by any means, but she still gets on with them
they encouraged her art even if they made some odd comments about her being alt that rubbed her the wrong way, but they mean well
there was a couple years where Lottie thought they’d get divorced, because they were arguing about finances cuz her mum went back to school and they lost her income, but when she started working as a nurse they were able to get back on track
her dad’s a bloke and loves sports and cars and all that, but hes also big in horror movies and is the one that introduced her to it
her mum hated all the gore, but her dad would let her watch it with him when she was out of the house
she always goes home for Christmas no matter where shes living, but has her own traditions for New Years and Easter
her aunt and uncle always host a big dinner and her dad drives two hours to get there, and she always spends the drive listening to new music and planning new makeup looks to test out
she has a ton of cousins because each of her parents has 4 siblings, but their ages are all so spread out that shes only close with a few of them and swaps stories from the year with three of them
they all lost their shit over MC when she brought her to their Christmas Eve dinner, hugging her way too much in Lottie’s opinion and telling her as many embarrassing stories as they could think of
her mum spent the car ride there trying to connect with MC, and they actually got on pretty well, but her dad seemed to click with MC even more for whatever reason, giving her a beer when they got back to Lottie’s parent’s house and turning on Lottie’s favourite slasher film for background noise while they talked
her dad made MC swear that she’d come back next year, that they weren’t allowed to trade between MC’s family for Christmas and Lottie’s, and MC agreed with a laugh as Lottie’s head was in her lap, watching the movie
Hannah:
she has a huge traditional family
three older brothers, two older sisters, and a younger brother
she grew up in the country and her mother had horses that she always loved to spend time with cuz i love her but she was 100% a horse girl
her parents never had any problems, were always happy and sappy and that was the only type of relationship she saw growing up, so before Love Island she didn’t really understand that relationships could be bad and how to deal with that
two of her older brothers and both of her sisters are married, her brothers and one sister have kids, again super traditional and happy, which only further reinforced these fairy tale ideals she has
she loves her nieces and nephews, but never felt like an aunt, more of an older cousin for whatever reason
her oldest sibling is her brother, they’re 13 years apart and he has four kids already, hes been married since 21
her oldest sister got married the oldest at 25, and shes always been worried she won’t match up to them, which was a huge motivator to go on Love Island
shes closest with her middle sister, who’s 23 with no kids, but she still has a nice house in the suburbs with a big yard, still crazy nuclear
her whole life has been spent around this type of tradition, and it was really hard for her to break out of it after Love Island
Hannah’s youngest brother is still only 15, and hes a bit of a black sheep - hes alt and dyes his hair and draws tattoos on his arms during school, and she was never close with him before Love Island, but after she comes out as some kind of queer, he comes out as gay and nonbinary(he/they) and they get really close for once
he gets in a fight with their parents when they’re 17, and he runs to Hannah’s place, driving multiple hours to get there and moves in with her after a few weeks
they stay with her until they graduate uni with a degree in education, getting a job at a school and telling all their students that his sister was on Love Island and her girlfriend’s really cool
MC and him are her biggest encouragement to break from the mold her family set, both so her relationship can thrive and to be a good role model for her younger sibling
she struggles with fitting in with her stereotypical family and siblings that all have multiple kids and nice houses, but she still loves her little mishmash of MC, her sibling, and the constant friends that cycle through their flat - Lottie, Priya, Chelsea, Gary sometimes even, Ibrahim once or twice as hes on a golf tour
Lottie loves her sibling and sometimes does makeup for them, and Chelsea always shows up unexpected to hang out with MC and redecorate their house but Hannah hates it because she likes all the memories her clutter has, even if MC calls her a hoarder sometimes
she had so many hand me downs growing up that now she has her own place, she loves filling it with things that are for her and MC and only them and has a really hard time letting go of things, always reasoning that they might give her inspiration to write or something
AJ:
shes an only child too, which made her dad treat her as much like as son as he could
her parents struggled to conceive, so once they used IVF to have her they didnt want to go through it again
her dad was super excited when she was interested in sports and is her biggest fan, always showing up to every single game and driving her to practices before she moved out, though she still doesn’t have a car cuz she hates driving, its too much pressure
her dad would watch games with her and coach her during off seasons, her uncles a football coach and used to get them tickets when he could, sometimes letting her train with his team when she was a teenager
her mum didnt like how hard she pushed herself, but was still supportive of how much she loved it 
her mums a mathematician and always helped her with her homework because she awful at maths, while her dad would try and teach her history or edit papers until her mum had to step in and correct him
when she came out as bi and later gay, they didnt even bat an eye, her mum making her pride color cupcakes and her dad maybe even being excited that he could point out cheerleaders when they were watching games
her mum didn’t quite understand when she wanted to go on Love Island, but her dad thought it’d be a laugh and further enforced her “just have fun” attitude
but her parents are both crazy happy when she wins with MC, making a banner when AJ first brings her home
she thought her dad would crush MC when he started hugging her, and her mum made an entire cake, biscuits, cinnamon rolls, and more sweets that she made them take home
her parents always make her and MC come over for dinner on Sundays and she started noticing the extra effort they always went to - her dad actually dressing nice, the house was super clean, the dog always had recently been given a bath
even though she knew her parents supported her, seeing all that really calmed her nerves about bringing home a girl, and made her coming out as a gay a lot easier
MC and her alternate between their family’s for holidays, and her parents each invite their brother and their families every time, and after their third holiday at her parents, they bought her and MC a dog
her and MC definitely have a pretty traditional family life, married after a few years with a nice house, going as far as to adopt a kid or two when AJ stops playing professionally, her parents always closely involved with their grandkids
Disclaimer - I don’t know if Yasmin or Lily make mentions of their family, so I’m just going with what I think
Yasmin:
her mother passed when she was 12, and her and her younger sister were raised by her dad
he wasn’t always the best dad, sometimes he struggled to make time for them with work, or sometimes he struggled to connect with them, but it was never anything too bad
she was always super close to her sister and parented her as she was growing up since they have a 9 year difference between them
her sisters her biggest fan and always makes her send demos and work in progresses so she can listen to them on repeat, and whenever Yasmin writes a song specifically for her she loses her mind
all her friends love Yasmin’s solo music and Enchanted Husband and she brags nonstop
Yasmin figured out she liked girls pretty young, around 10 or so, but only came out when she was 17. she didnt want her sister to ever feel alone or isolated if she ended up being queer too, so she tried to always be open about who she was
her dad sat her down when she bought a pride flag and had her explain everything to him step by step, and he gave her some space for a few days, but then he offered to take her to pride when it came around 
he doesn’t talk about it with her much, and she knows he doesn’t fully understand, but he offers his support whenever he thinks she needs it
her sister absolutely fangirled over MC the first time she met her, hugging her and not letting go until Yasmin nearly pulled her off MC
her dad hugged her too but was far more reserved, hes quieter like her, and tends to keep his distance, whereas her sister has no problem shrieking and making a scene in a train station
later that night her dad pulls her aside and tells her he likes MC and thinks shes a good fit, and her sister has no problem saying how cool MC is, even when shes in the room
her sister and her dad always ask for tickets when shes touring nearby, and MC always offers to take them to dinner before the show, and the three of them get on better than Yasmin expected
she thought her dad might be too distant or her sister too excitable, but even if she’d never say anything, seeing them all get on makes things easier
when her sister gets older and moves out, their dad moves closer to Yasmin, even though he never says exactly why, and there’s a few years where her sister and her are both to busy to meet up, but MC makes them hang out together and then get dinner with their dad when their all in town
MC tends to be her reminder to slow down, and after that dinner she cancels the rest of her tour and takes a two year break in which her sister starts spending weekends at Yas and MCs, their dad visiting often too
Lily:
she has three full brothers and shes the only girl, her parents are divorced and her dad remarried while her mother stayed single
she has a step sister from her dad’s remarriage, but they dont have much in common and didnt grow up together, her parents only split when she was 15
two of her brothers are older than her and her oldest is the one shes closest with, with a gap of 7 years between them
hes an engineer and into cars too, he helped her fix up her first car and helped her pay for college
her youngest brother is only a year below her, but they were never close, he was never that interested in playing in the mud when they were kids
hes an art and english double major and still lives with their dad, hes closer with their step sister than Lily, but there’s no bad blood or anything
her other brother is a middle ground, three years older than her
he’s an accountant and used to drive her around before she could herself, they bonded over a few small mutual interests like a tv show they would binge together and just staring a space together since they shared a room, her younger brother and step sister across the hall
her dad wasn’t crazy active in her life and she doesn’t know her step mother, but her mum worked from home when she was younger and had custody on weekends
she babied her younger brother and always scolded Lily for being a tomboy and it bothered her a lot when she was little, until her older brother started encouraging it
her brothers all love MC, even her youngest, and they all try and bond with her in a different way
sometimes Lily goes home just to find a note that one of her brothers took MC to a movie or dinner or somewhere else, and she wants to be annoyed with them for it, but she likes the validation
she never officially came out, so none of them saying anything or criticizing her is really comforting, knowing that something so trivial doesn’t matter
her mum was a little shocked by the show and MC, but she tries to be polite and eventually comes around, inviting MC to go shopping to bond
her dad has no problem, her step mother being a little confused but not concerned, and her step sister doesn’t care, just nods at MC the first time she meets her
Lily tends to keep her distance from her family, especially when her older brothers find partners and start families, but is fine going to events, sometimes its nice to see her brothers and catch up
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skittles1229 · 4 years
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Old Expectations Die Hard (Dashie x Reader Fanfic)
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Chapter One: Weird Circumstances
You know your life is complicated when the friend you always complain to says "you never have a dull moment do you?" I sigh as the weight of the world seems to make it impossible to breath. You see recently things have been rough. I lost my job and my fiance all in the same day, that itself was an unbelievable story. I was so upset and strung out on thoughts of what to do that once i got home early from work i didn't notice the extra car in the driveway. i stepped into my home and my own floors felt as if they'd given way when i saw the guy i thought i'd be spending my life with in bed, with my sister... my sister and i hadn't been on good terms for a while and for a good reason! The drugs she took either made her unreliable and selfish or crazy and murderous. He, of course, pulled the its not what you think, id never hurt you, it was a mistake, and honestly i could write a book out of the excuses i heard in the time of two minutes but maybe another time. Needless to say i left. I never thought about going back and to be honest my sister looked more hurt then i was. I took a job in California a few weeks ago and moved in with my friend (BFF Name). They always seemed to know what to say and honestly i truly believe They  knew me better then i know myself. 
California gave me the biggest culture shock I've ever had. I came from Mississippi, the bible belt and the most rural part of the world. California was sooooo different then what i was use to. The weather is awesome. There's lots of jobs for technical people, at least until you're 45 and then you're considered ancient and you can't possibly know anything when some 23-year old out of Stanford tells you that they know it all. (a little bit of sarcasm there) It's a great place to start a new company, money is available as is talent. The risk of starting a company is lower since you can always find a new job The politics are insane, if you aren't towing the progressive party line you should just STFU. If you even once say that Trump has done something positive, or that Obama did something negative prepare for the wrath. Read the stuff behind the recently filed lawsuit against google for a taste of what it's like. Seriously, don't say a word. The state if structurally bankrupt, although the finances look good because so much stuff is off of the balance sheet. The public pension liability dwarfs the "good" part of the budget, and some day it is coming home to roost. Watch out when it does. The cost of living is absurd, really absurd. I'm not talking just a place to live but gas, electricity, haircuts, milk, pizza, you name it. The traffic is absurd too. (can you tell i like the word absurd) The public transit, although usually on time, is a mess. People are pigs, they throw trash everywhere, the cars are overcrowded almost all the time. 
I've got to say, from how much it sounds like i hate California, i actually don't.  Mainly because its so far away from my original family, leaving really helped me start to grow up and feel like maybe i was getting a hold of my life again. Only problem has been getting to my new job on time. I work as a barista and a waitress at a brunch place a good minute away from the apartment. The money is good, otherwise i wouldn't waste my time with the commute everyday. i keep being late to work because i still haven't adjusted to how terrible traffic is and so my boss was "nice" enough to switch me to the later shifts. The hours are long and boring because my shift starts in the middle of rush hour to the slowest hours at the end of the day meaning you have to find things to keep yourself busy with. the only good thing is, we can wear pretty much anything we want as long as its black. all i wear is dark colors so i didn't have to spend any extra money on a uniform and i didn't have to wear the same thing everyday. Today i decided i wear a v-neck shirt that with an emperor waist (body forming) with black skinny jeans and my regular converse. i decided against driving to work and decided it would be far smarter to catch a bus to the nearest destination. My (hair color) hair was done is a fishtail messy braid, i always liked this style because it made me look like i had a head full of hair when in reality i thought i was going bald. 
My personality was a little odd, you see some days i felt like the beautiful nerd who has no confidence and wants to hide away in a hole. other days i feel like a model from Victoria secrets, of course those are the days i get the most tips. today was honestly a mutual day, where id rather be at home in my bed asleep, or listening to music. The bus finally stopped a block away from my job and i sighed obviously not wanting to go into work. surprisingly there wasn't nearly  as many cars as there usually is around this time but i wasn't complaining. i walk in to see that most of the downstairs was empty but whoever was upstairs definitely had a loud mouth. i walk to the back in order to clock in and i bump into melany ( the girl im shifting with). "wow you actually got here on time! Maybe the boss's mood will cheer up." i huffed a little. "yea, i dont know why i thought id need a car in California, say whats with the low level of customers? its NEVER this slow." she looked at me in disdain, "some guys reserved the entire upstairs and we had to make this huge table out of all our tables up there, glad im not gonna be the one fixing it later." i rolled my eyes, i hated when a huge family came in and they just had to move everything around because little johnny wants the sit next to suzzie and suzzie HAS to sit by her parents bc she likes to throw her food on the floor, all fake names but a real situation ive been in before. "well have they at least been fed so that i only have to clean up after them?" she shook her head while hanging up her apron. "nope, they've only ordered their drinks and they are getting those onto trays now." so today was gonna be like every other day. "guess i better go help them take those upstairs then, have a good rest of your day." i walk away and slip on my apron, grabbed one of the trays of drinks while another waiter grabbed the rest of the drinks. Once i got upstairs, that's when i met him...
Chapter Two: Last Will and Testament
          He was sitting on the far end of the long table of people laughing and joking. everyone seemed to be loud and all had their own inside jokes. This guy, he stuck out. i changed my attention to the task at hand, finishing this shift. i hated when people moved all the tables and seating around. all the waiters and waitresses have to go back behind them and look at the layout of the floor to put them all back exactly as they were before. it was a struggle and because of this nobody actually wanted that job so usually the manager gives it to her least favorite workers and i happened to be one. "who all had coke?" nobody answered me so one of the men bellowed out the same line and somehow was able to get a show of hands. i walked around handing  out drinks, catching the lingering smell of strong liquor. i could tell by the end of tonight they would all be wasted and loud. please, just don't make more of a mess then you have to, i thought to myself. i had one drink left on my tray, "sweet tea?" the guy i saw before at the end of the table waved his hand and i dreaded going over there, i always seem to make a fool of myself when it matters. 
     i make my way slowly down the table with the tray under my arm and the tea in my hand. i lean over to sit his drink on the table.."here's your t-" *CRASH* while joking with one of his friends his elbow crashes into my hand sending the tea flying all over me and the cup crashing to the floor, thank god i wore black. he turned around and looked more horrified then i did. "i'm sorry! i'm so sorry!" his voice was deeper then i imagined it'd be. "no, it my fault i'm sorry ill get you a new one." i turned away to hide my embarrassment and walked away really just trying to get away from the situation. i could tell from the silence behind me that all eyes were on me. i ran to the back where the lockers were for the service. i went to the bathroom and stripped the sticky clothes off throwing them aside. i sat on the toilet  trying to catch my breath, my social anxiety had struck me  hard. a feeling of worthlessness and dread fell over me like a blanket. after the past few months i've had just one day without something terrible happening would mean the world to me. i heard a knock on the door, it was melany, she walked in with a towel from the kitchen. "hey, i heard what happen upstairs are you ok?" i covered my breast trying keep myself as unexposed as possible. "oh yea im fine, im just cold, and sticky, and... covered in tea." melany and i made eye contact and both laughed just to lift the dread in the air. "let me guess, all the guys are getting a kick out of watching me fumble again huh?" i said a little less concerned and more annoyed. she rolled her eyes "they are boys, they get a kick out of picking their own nose. we both slid to the floor beside each other, she hands me the damp towel. i get most of the sticky off as possible, throwing my hair up to make it look less clumped together by the sugar. "i have an extra black t shirt in my locker but i don't know how it will fit you. your breast are at least a size larger then mine." i shrugged my shoulders, "who cares ill make do. thanks for your help melany." she smiled her weird anime girl smile and ran to get the shirt from her locker.
     ill have to admit, she was right about the size thing. it was far to small around the chest area but the rest fit fine. after the incident my boss stuck me down stairs wiping tables and sweeping the floor, i dont mind though because i get to experience the day coming to an end with a beautiful sunset over California. i secretly kept the the window to watch as the sun fell from the sky. the sky seemed to burn and darken while the clouds began to glow with the last bit of sunlight left. the sky filled up with burning Burgundy and faded orange and yellows, the tallest buildings seemed to reach for the skyline as if it were a sunflower moving to the last drip of sunlight. moving here had been hard, and this had become one of the things i looked forwards to. living in the apartment with my friend was nice, buts its not the same as coming home to someone you use to lay with every night. sleeping alone seemed so much colder and emptier then i remembered from childhood. my mother would be so disappointed in the way i turned out, in the places id gone and the decision to spend my life with someone who was most obviously the wrong one. she would have told me to slow down and to take my time, that growing up wasn't everything. she would have said love isn't something you just wake up and have, its something you make. i wasn't anywhere close to where i thought id be by now, and i could see that. it tears at my heart everyday, not being able to see her or any of my family. sometimes it felt as if they'd all died in the fire that night. 
     i suddenly heard a boom of voices making their way down the stairs, i hadn't realized how close to closing time it had become. all of them walk out stumbling and laughing at their own jokes, seems they all got a good bit of drinking in, all except one. The guy i ran into on accident seemed as sober as ever, designated driver i think, he was much taller now. he seemed muscular but in such a fitting way for his body. his teeth sparkle because their so white, his smile complimented him best. his high cheekbones made his chocolate brown eyes his best feature. His skin was glowing with a sweet honey hue and before i could notice that i was staring he turned his head. his eyes met mind before i could think twice and that's when i felt the heat rise to my cheeks. weather it be from embarrassment or silly school girl shyness i didn't know . i turned my face away but it was too late, i turned my face a little just to catch a glimpse of him before he made his way out of the door and that's when i noticed his cheeks had gone from a burnt caramel to a rosy color. i felt my body shiver at the thought that maybe, just maybe he found me as attractive as i found him. i shook the thought from head realizing they had began locking the place down. as i helped close up shop and wash dishes i couldn't help but to let my mine wander to all different kinds of thoughts, funny thing was they always fell back to him and his rosy  cheeks. i couldn't help but smile as i felt my heart race at the thought of him, even though id made a fool of myself today i was glad i hadn't ruined my chances. Even if he'd never get with me or i wouldn't ever see him again, i'd still take it as a compliment that he even looked my way. 
     before long we were all outside laughing and talking about today. The manager locked the doors and said his goodbyes. i turn to walk towards the bus station when i see a man standing aside awkwardly between the restaurant and the parking lot. suddenly my eyes adjusted and once they did, the joyousness butterflies came back and the blush suddenly reappeared on my cheeks..
There are lots more chapter after this if you are interested you can find them here
https://my.w.tt/sosFRmianbb
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grenawitka · 4 years
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I was tagged by @u-okay-hen- thank you! 💛💛
1. What is the color of your hair brush? i had a red one, but it broke. and now im using my parents that is black and purble but i just ordered one that is made of wood and another ne that is light blue. 
2. Name a food you never eat? im very picky with what i eat so the list is long
3. Are you typically too warm or too cold? too warm
4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago? daydreaming about the life ill never have lmao
5. What’s your favorite candy bar? i like a lot of candies
6. Have you ever been to a professional sports game? no, the only other sport i like besides hockey is fútbol (football or soccer), but the fans get a little aggressive after the games, and shockingly enough i wouldnt like to die out there, so no, i havent.
7. what was the last thing you said out loud? ella es tan linda (she’s so sweet) (about my tutor being the nicest person on earth)
8. What is your favorite ice cream? its a bar of chocolate that they made an icecream. its called sahne-nuss and its delicious
9. What was the last thing you had to drink? a glass of coca-cola (coke, whatever you guys call it)
10. Do you like your wallet? yeah, i guess. its plain black, i like black.
11. What was the last thing you ate? a banana
12. Did you buy any new clothing last week? i bought a corey perry jersey, because hes my king👑
13. What’s the last sporting event you watched? stars winning game 5. lets go for game 6 tonight!!
14. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn? sweet
15. Who was the last person you sent a text to? nh-ell! shouout to my girls💖
16. Ever go camping? not technically. every summer, me and my cousins set a tent in my backyard and we spent the night but i dont think the world would count it as camping, even tho we totally do lol.
17. Do you take your vitamins? im not exactly trilled with the idea of living so why try and be healthy to make it longer 😌😌
18. Do you regularly attend a place of worship? no
19. Do you have a tan? nope, we just got rid of winter here.
20. Do you prefer chinese or pizza? ive never had chinese food, and pizza is the best invention EVER
21. Do you drink soda through straws? not really but i actually like drinking from straws. reusable ones - LETS SAVE THE PLANET YALL
22. What color socks do you usually wear? i was just gifted a huge amount of socks of all colors and i am living my best life right now
23. Do you ever drive above the speed limit? i can barely drive
24. What terrifies you? losing the people i love, but i guess we all fear that
25. Look to your left, what do you see? my wallet, which reminds me i owe my dad money for buying me the corey perry jersey
26. What chore do you hate the most? i hate aking my bed but i love when my bed is made. i guess is the price to pay.
27. What do you think when you hear an australian accent? i think about a movie where a group of friends go into the middle of nowhere in australia and when they go back to their homes the world was at war. i cant remember the name of the movie, it wasnt good either, but the trauma of that happening stayed with me. also chris hemsworth. 
28. What’s your favorite soda? coca-cola. i think americans call it coke. nothing better than something that kills your liver
29. Do you ever go in a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? drive thru arent very popular in my country. i mean, they exist but we usually dont use them.fast food places are where is at
30. What’s your favorite number? 27
31. Who’s the last person you talked to? my mom
32. Favorite cut of beef? whatever is eatable, idk. i just eat it
33. last song you listened to? punto y aparte by morat 🎼
34. Last book you read? guys, i dont read, stop asking me this 🙃
35. Favorite day of the week? friday’s but only at night because i have classes in the morning. friday’s are ussually family day - we all gather and we dance, drink, sing and do something stupid. i love my family.
36. Can you say the alphabet backwards? if im drunk enough i can do whatever 💯
37. How do you like your coffee? i dont drink coffe
38. Favorite pair of shoes? i just bought a pair of brown boots, and theyre so fluffy and warm and pretty, but dont wear them because im in lockdown :(
39. Time you normally get up? 8:00am, but only because i have classes either way it would probably be at 1pm. i love my sleep😌
40. Do you prefer sunrise or sunset? sunset
41. Describe your kitchen plates? a have a few that are plain white, others have an organge adge, others have flowers, others have blue and red stripes. i own a lot of plates
42. How many blankets are on your bed? 4, we just reached spring in my country, so its still a little bit chilly down here in chile
43. Describe your kitchen at the moment? white, with a table... i dont know how to describe places, sorry😅
44. Do you have a favorite alcoholic drink? i change favorite drink, like i change socks but right now im really into diaquiris. also, i like making my own drinks.
45. Do you play cards? yes, tho i just know how to play a few type of games. i usually play with my family
46. What color is your car? my parents have a car and its black👍🏻
47. Can you change a tire? kinda. i struggle a little but yeah i can do it.
48. Favorite state? new york - its my dream place (i love cities. oh to ignore everyone!), tho im poor and i could never afford to live there 🙃
49. Favorite job you’ve had? i’ve never worked before
50. tagging: tagging people gives me anxiety because i think they may not like it and therefore won’t like me, and today sucks so i won’t do it (unless anybody wants to)
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angrylizardjacket · 6 years
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time’s arrow {Roger Taylor}
Anon asked: Hi, I love your roger/ben imagines so much and was wondering if you could do some angst with Roger x female, maybe they are good friends and she sees him with another. Whatever you would like! Thank you x :)
A/N: 2727 words. A story told through Seasons. I took a little bit of liberties with the prompt, if that’s okay? This hit me like a lightning bolt and I had to write it. Angst with a happy ending. (I’m just trying to show I’ve got versatility in writing, okay?)
Warnings: Implied sex.
You meet him in Spring, before it all begins, he sits up the back of your Intro to Head and Neck Anatomy lectures, the only class with open spots available by the time you were looking for a science credit. You find out he’s in a band three weeks into the first class, finally going to the local bar, sick of cramming your brain full of information you’re not even sure is necessary for your degree. He grins at you and wow okay, you didn’t even think he’d recognise you.
“You’re in, um,” he’s leaning against the bar next to you in this dimly lit pub, grabbing a drink between sets. Faltering for a moment, his eyes travel down before you clear your throat, angry at yourself for blushing, but his smile widens, “my class.” He finishes, taking a sip of his beer. You agree, rolling your eyes at him, but even that seems to amuse him. He asks your name. The guitarist is calling him over, setting up for the next set, but you tell him before he leaves. Something tightens in your chest when, later that night, he catches your eyes mid-song, his look of intense focus shifting for a moment as he grins, giving you a wink.
He takes to sitting next to you in lectures, chewing the end of his pencil and taking occasional notes in a falling apart notebook that looks as though he uses it for every class. You catch lyrics in the margins and at the bottom of some pages, but he’s cagey about that in a strange way, just says you’ll have to come to a gig to find out what they’re about. So you do.
Gigs become a regular for you, and you start to become friends with the girls who frequent the shows, often hosting predrinks in your dorm room for Mary and her friends on a Friday night. You learn on one of those nights that at least two of the girls have hooked up with him, and there’s a strange, sinking sensation in your chest. You’re not sad, or at least, you tell yourself you shouldn’t be. You and Roger are just friends, it’s not like there’s anything going on there, sure, sometimes after a really good show he’ll give you a pash, but it’s- that’s just him. 
It’s not like you’ve never thought about it, but you also know his reputation, and that it’ll do more harm than good to get involved with that. He’s the one mistake you don’t think you want to make.
It’s Summer, a few years later, when they trade in the van to get money to hire the recording studio. Roger had really loved that van, and he lay on your sofa for a solid hour grumbling about it, about how Freddie had some kind of nerve. You roll your eyes at him, call him a drama queen, which he takes offence to, but moves obligingly when you sit down, letting him rest his head in your lap.
When you raise the point that it might be worth it, he looks frankly aghast, griping about how he has to catch lifts everywhere now. He calms down somewhat when you start carding your fingers through his hair, though he still pouts.
“If it comes to it, I’ll buy you a car, you baby.” You snort, despite the fact that you’re currently barely making a living wage on some retail job, it’s not where you’d thought you’d be after university, but sometimes that’s just how it is. He looks up at you, and when you look down at him, he’s looking very intense. Perhaps he might say something poignant about your offer, you think, but instead he reaches up and pokes your nose.
“I can see up your nostrils.” He tells you, and you smack his hand away, scowling. You stand abruptly, ignoring his complaints, smoothing your pants out against your thighs.
“Come on,” you offer your hand, which he regards with both confusion and a bit of disdain, “you can’t mope around my apartment and complain about the band again. We’re going out.” That gets his interest.
You’ve been to bars with him before, and usually you go home alone while he gets the pick of the prettiest girls of the night, or he decides to wingman you, which hurts your heart a little, but you won’t decline. You were attractive in your own right, you won’t deny that, you didn’t technically need his help, but a selfish part of you likes the way the attention to you, even if it’s to help you get with other people.
Tonight is different, tonight he doesn’t leave your side, he slings an arm around you as the two of you stand by the bar watching the truly mediocre band they had on that night. 
“You know why they aren’t recording an album?” You ask as the set ends.
“Because they didn’t sell their van?” Roger mused, vaguely bitter, but not melancholy as he swirled the last of his drink in his free hand.
“No, it’s because they’re terrible.” Turning, you smile at your own blunt remark, and when he looks back at you, he’s grinning with a little disbelief. There’s very little space between the two of you, but that doesn’t make your heart race anymore, he’s your best friend, close contact was part of the bargain. But he kissed you, quickly, without warning, and when he pulls back, he turns away to order another drink like nothing had happened.
Your mind is spiralling, this isn’t post-gig excitement, this wasn’t something you were expecting. The selfish creature in your chest that you tried to deny for so long was crowing with victory. Taking a quick look around the bar, you don’t recognise anyone, though there are a few girls who look like they’d be his type- but his hand is moving to wrap around your waist as he turns back.
“What was that?” Voice quiet, you take his drink and have a sip of it yourself, the movement done from muscle memory alone. He raises his eyebrows at you, not regarding the drink, that was a usual occurrence, but at the question. He doesn’t seem to know how to answer, baffled at the question. Dropping you gaze, you take a sip of your own drink. “Why me? Why tonight?” You asked. Looking incredulous, he stepped back, looking you over.
“Have you seen yourself tonight, love? Couldn’t help myself.” You’ve heard him talk like this before, to other girls, not as blunt, but with you he can get away with it. The creature in your chest is elated, and you find yourself smiling, actually blushing. He moves closer once more, his arm around you, voice low as he spoke into your ear. “Trust me, you look very fit tonight, any man would be lucky to have a crack at you.” Heart in your throat, you hope you’re reading the situation right, at the same time ignoring the part of you that knew this was a bad idea.
“Even you?” You turned to face him, watching the way his smile shifted to a smirk, and he pulled you a little closer.
“You know I’m always feeling lucky.” 
You kiss him, feeling your blood thumping in your veins, selfish and excited in equal measure, but with his hands on you, you can’t find the focus to care about the former. 
Once the bad starts up again, Roger pulls away, making a face at them, asking if you wanted to get out of there. You do, and the two of you are elated on the quick walk back to his apartment, stopping only when he pressed you up against the wall of an closed shop to suck a hickey into the skin of your neck. You catch sight of it in his bedroom mirror, but he’s pulling off your jacket and you have better things to worry about.
It’s not weird, like you thought it would be, when you wake the next morning and he’s curled up, fast asleep with his back to you, but your chest aches just a little. He avoids eye contact over breakfast, though you chat like normal. The gripes about his van have died down, though he makes an offhand comment about things are changing that you read enough into to realise what had happened.
“You’ll always have me, Rog.” You reach across the table to take his hand, and he finally looks you in the eye, he looks so relieved, not that he’d ever say it. Afraid of losing another thing he cared about, he had panicked last night and tried to keep you close in the only way he knew how. He certainly loved you, but not in the way you wanted him to. Giving his hand a gentle squeeze, you give him a smile that doesn’t reach your eyes. It’s not his fault.
Bohemian Rhapsody airs in Autumn, you’re regional manager now, and you’re sitting in your office when you hear for the first time; you almost scream when the first harmony comes in after the radio host introduces the song.
“You’re a star, Rog!” You gush over the phone on your break, unable to wait until that night when the band was having a celebratory get-together to talk to him.
“Of course, I am, you think I sing that high to be paid in peanuts?” You can hear the smile in his words without even seeing him, and being able to hear his voice warms your heart.
“That was you?” You laugh, the ‘Galileo's playing back in your head, and you try to picture him singing it, which only made you laugh harder.
“Oi,” he bristled, indignant at your laughter, “I’m the only one with the range to execute Freddie’s vision.” You could see him in your mind now, proud and stubborn, standing tall to defend the decision.
“I’m proud of you.” Suddenly sincere, you find your smile turning to something more genuine as you think back on far he’s come.
“Thank you.” His own voice has become less animated, more sincere, though you can still hear him smiling.
“Love you, Rog.” You tell him, just as you always did when you parted ways.
“I’ll see you tonight.”
He’s grinning, draped with casual confidence in an armchair in Freddie’s living room when you arrive, and you feel like you’ve been taken back five years, the casual enthusiasm he’s exerting. Smile brightening, he stands when he sees you, striding across the room to enfold you in a hug.
“Good to see you!” He practically beams at you, holding your shoulders as he looks over you, as if assessing you, seeing if anything has changed.
“Of course, you’ve been holed up for weeks, I wouldn’t miss this for the world!” Though he’s in front of you, you’re words address the room as a whole, and when he steps back, Brian moves in to hug you as well, asking how you’ve been.
The boys are your friends, all of them, you’ve been around for most of their big band moments, and it eases something in your chest to be here for this one too. But then the ease sharply tightens as a woman you’ve never seen before sits on the arm of Roger’s chair, and he rests a hand on her thigh, smiling up at her.
Mary follows your gaze, and her smile is sad as she pulls you down to sit beside her, asking you about your thoughts on the single. You answer, though your heart’s not in it, and the selfish creature in your chest rears it’s ugly head after such a long slumber. 
The monster has shifted, changed and grown, it hadn’t cared about him running around with any pretty girl he could find for the past few years, but this was different. Roger had made it clear that he was far from sacred, but this was the band, this was Freddie’s home, this was the place of some of your happiest memories; this was yours. 
You stay well into the early hours of the following morning, despite the interloper, but Roger still stopped you at the door.
“I’m really glad you could make it, I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages.” He’s smiling at you, but you don’t smile back. It’s been a long night of being kind and pretending that you’re heart didn’t hurt.
“Well, you’ve very busy.” You shrug, punctuating it with a yawn. His expression turns confused, and you open the door.
“Y/N.” He tried to get your attention, but you left, throwing a goodbye over your shoulder to him. “Love you.” He calls through the door, but you stay quiet, refuse to say it back, just keep walking. You’re too tired to be upset, but maybe you’ll get there tomorrow.
Things change, and you’ve grown to accept that, but sometimes old aches don’t heal like they should. Or at all.
“I’m getting married.” He calls you at the end of Winter.
“Oh.”
“Oh?” 
Your relationship’s been on the mend in the years since the Bohemian Rhapsody launch night. You two smile and laugh like you had when you were younger, and you’ve learned to listen to his exploits and his gripes about women, offering your own about your partners, though they’re few and far between. He’s still your best friend, and you learn to act like it. 
“Congratulations.” Your voice is flat. It had been a shock, you’d heard about his latest on-again off-again girlfriend, and had even offered advice in certain situations, actual advice, no malice at all.
“Thanks.” He doesn’t seem to know where to go from here, and silence stretches out between the two of you.
“I should go.” You finally murmur.
“What? Why?” He spluttered, and you sighed deeply.
“Was there something else you wanted to talk about?” You asked, closing your eyes and leaning your forehead against the wall.
“I- no, but I want you to be there.” He paused. “And I wanted to be the one to tell you.” Clenching your jaw, you make a snap decision.
“I can’t-”
“Why not?” He actually sounded angry, which was perhaps warranted, though your next words shut him up.
“Because it hurts, Roger.” After a beat, your voice is quiet. “Because I love you.” Taking a breath, you let yourself relax. “I want you to be happy, but I can’t watch you marry someone else.” There’s silence for a very long moment, but you hang up before he can respond. You take the phone off the hook. You need to be alone, just for now.
“After everything, you still-?” It’s the first day of Spring, and he’s on your doorstep, seemingly unable to say the word love. You’re wearing your pyjamas and he looks like he’s just walked out of a Rolling Stone cover shoot, though he just sort of looks like that now, you supposed.
“Don’t worry about it.” You try not to betray how much his visit shocked you, or the way his very presence after your recent conversation hurt you.
“You’re my best friend! Of course I’m gonna worry about it!” He threw his hands up in the air, exasperated. Sighing deeply, he stepped forward. “I thought I fucked everything up when we hooked up, I’m sorry, I panicked.” He was looking at his fidgeting hands, rather than your surprised expression. “And then... I thought I fucked it up again when I chose the band over you.”
“You never-” You tried to protest, but he smiled self-deprecatingly.
“No, I did. I loved you, and I thought that would get in the way of the band.” Clenching his jaw, he looked up and you could see the regret in his eyes. “It was easier to fuck around that tell you I love you.” Your breath stopped in your throat as he finally walked closer. “And I thought after everything, that you deserved better; you know what I’m like, why would you-?” But you cut him off with a kiss.
“You’ll always have me.” You murmured, finally letting yourself smile. Nothing about it felt selfish, in fact, it felt as though the sun was finally shining on you, warming you from the inside out.
“I know,” he agreed quietly, wrapping you up in a hug.
610 notes · View notes
96xie · 5 years
Text
2019
a whole summary of this difficult year
2019 was full of unexpected good and bad surprises along with lessons and experiences.
january
spent good time with mocha, wayo and brian
had such a good time with guildies from our game
met up with some other ppl from the same game and didnt feel too good bc i was never good with crowds and/or groups that were already well established
tried tinder for the first time because i thought it would be nice to put myself out there for once
feburary
continued my tinder journey and actually had fun with it. it was pretty scary at the same time because it was such a new experience talking to other people and to have them notice you? because i always knew and felt that i wasnt really the desirable one.
actually hooked up with a guy from last months meetup and hung out twice. thought it was going somewhere because he, too, showed signs to progress further ((was wrong because he lied and showed red flags later))
one major red sign to me: no response after genuinely saying thank you for rides and dinner. im the type of person who always says thank you because im honestly grateful for the little and big things. he basically shrugged it off.
also, a huge liar. yah, big no
i brought him to my friends birthday bc they and himself wanted to meet each other, it was fun while it lasted but stuff happened
towards the end of the month, i cut my ties off with him for being awfully mean to me and also cut ties with my “friends” for having really bad assumptions of me.
i was frustrated with myself at that time bc his cats gave me a bad breakout and i felt super ugly. also i wasnt sad over him, but over the fact that i let myself be treated like a second option. eventually i learned that it was good that i didnt let things go further and that i only deserve the very best.
even though i was hurt, i thought it was a good experience, esp since i havent really been in the “dating game” for years. like it was a just a small step to putting myself out there once again
a week later after that a classmate asked me out and got tons of compliments from him and wondered “the universe really works in crazy ways”
march
met some cool people through the same mobile game on a discord server and they were much better than the first group.
also met this really funny dude in the same group. like he was so fun to talk to and he understood my dumb lingo
remember when my classmate asked me out on a date? it turned out a bit weird. but considering this was my first date in YEARS i thought it was a cool experience. got some carne asada fries outta him
i had the dude i was talking to call me so i could leave the date tho LOL ((he helped me lots, esp how to deal with awkward situations with my classmate. also at this point, i really liked talking to him but i wasnt rly sure if i wanted to date other guys bc i had been hurt previously)
this month was pretty much dedicating most of my time talking to him and i enjoyed it alot
also went to pubs for the first time to hangout with my coworkers. such an interesting place
april
tried rollerskating for the first time ever, ended up with a bunch of bruises but it was cool!
also tried 7leaves for the first time and instantly fell in love with mungbean
also went clubbing in sf with my friends and it was such a fun time like i had SO much fun
i got auctioned off of SAD! that phase was just a crazy ride. while there was many that dm’d me, there was only one special person that i only replied to and continued to talk to him on a daily basis
((honestly, i was scared that i was taking things a bit further with him because a part of me was like “are you ready for this?” and “have you really recovered from that guy?” or “can you give this guy your all?” just alot of overthinking))
spent 4/20 at sf with my friends, and overall had a GREAT time. took too many hits and drank so ya gorl was crossfaded. not sure if i wanna do tht again tho
unfortunately woke up with a swollen face and it lasted for a LONG time.
may
so my face is still swollen, still bad, red as a tomato and at this point i was really hesitant to meet up with the guy ive been talking to. i mean!! my skin was SO bad. i felt like i was gonna make a fool out of myself by scaring him away
but,,,, he was still willing to see me despite my appearance and : ( he was so accepting and typing this makes my heart ache bc he is SUCH a good man : (
i met up with the guy towards the end of the month in sj and first thing he does when i walk up to him is give me this great warm hug and so many smooches !!!!!!! like my heart is melting
eventually we became official !!! he got us an airbnb for the night and we jus spent time cuddling on the bed and honestly i : ( i like him so much
june
my birthday wasnt rly that like “wow” it was actually kinda annoying
my bf flew up to sf where we met up, explored the city and slept the night in at an airbnb. next day went to oakland where i introduced my friends to him!
went to my first festival with several with my friends, including ppl from our same guild from our game and it was SO fun
rolled for the first time and it was SUCH an experience. redosed like twice and ended up hallucinating which is something ill def not do again
also i really wished my bf was with me at that time : ( while i had an extremely fun time, i wish i shared that moment with him : (
july
went to vegas for my cousins 22nd bday. shit was wild
also rolled there.
also threw up for the very first time
a fight broke out at the club and that shit was fuckgin CRAZY and it was RIGHT next to our table
also used alot of my money for the whole trip in which nobody really told me about so …. i was like ok.. fuck …
also my skin was still bad during these past months so it was pretty hard masking it
like really hard. with someone with terrible eczema, its just extremely hard to hide it
august
bf flew to sac!!! he met my mom for the first time and we explored the city and stuff
and went on an ikea date! and! honestly i just really loved spending time with him :c
we also spent time with my friends! they came over also! and ate some fuckgin bomb ass waffles
and then took bus down to la to meetup with some friends from our guild towards the end of the month!
it was pretty nice to be able to stay with my bf in his apartment !!!!!
also some scalding tea but thats rly for another time
to make it super short tho: our friend that we’ve known much longer than the girl he met (less than 3 months) dropped our friendship SO quick lol
september
cousin bonding @ beach, too cold for tht doe
towards the end of the month, my bf flew me down!!! so i spent the weekend with him and like always, only had a good time with him!
AND ALWAYS EATING GOOD FOOD!
october
during this fall semester, i took online classes and one of them was a 8week class. there was a topic about mental health and how we can take care of ourselves better and i just thought it was such an important thing to cover. i feel like its not talked about enough
november
spent thanksgiving with my family down in morgan hill and ate good food! honey ham has a special place in my heart.
went black friday shopping first at walmart, lowkey disappointed in myself because i was bummed out the apple watches were sold out. the materialistic part of me jumped out oof
slept at my cousins then went to the mall! didnt get anything besides really good bulgogi fries. i hated going into stores tho cuz everything was literally crowded. hated it !!!!!!!
went to a small festival in sacramento with my friends at the end of the month and this time is 7 of us (than the usual 5)! it was sososo fun.
also took my coworker with me, it was actually amusing to see bc our group were all asian and he’s the only tall white guy
made hotpot at home and we also went out for milktea and waffles again! sooo good.
december
flew down to see my bf again and only had a good time! went to this garden with beautiful lights and ! ugh! SO pretty!
cried in his bed before my flight back, cried on the plane, cried at home and cried before i slept. i miss him
also racked up alot of hours so i could pay for my tuition and my family’s bills. kinda sucks bc im pretty tired but i gotta do what do i gotta do.
christmas was a bit lonely bc my mom went to the philippines and i dont rly talk to my brother but my kuya came the next day and we ate n watched stuff
overall, it was a whacky year. but im so glad to have met ed. he means SO much to me. a part of me was so hesitant to date him because i mean, he’s man with his life set. i dont have a car, im still in school, i have this part time job where im giving my mom all my paychecks and which the only money im keeping is just my tips (not much), i still have issues with myself and other conflicts and honestly theres much to do, learn and grow from. but he’s so supportive, understanding and loving and i love and appreciate him from the bottom of my heart. most of the time i wonder if im doing and if im being enough for him. i worry about that alot but he’s so patient with me. i laugh alot when im with him and i feel so happy.
did i mention that we are long distance? him being in la and me in sacramento. so the only thing thats connecting us is facetime. maybe once every two months will i see him in person but yep. when i had my first panic attack, i really wanted him right next to me. at that moment i felt even more sad because of course you’re gonna want you’re significant other during a moment like that. but anyways, i always miss him and i always want him next to me and i always love him. i want to hurry up and get my education done with so i can be with him. not to sound like omg im so madly infatuated with him type of thing tho. he’s someone who understands me and knows how to love me.
i hope 2020 treats me well despite all the challenges ahead of me.
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letstalksymphogear · 5 years
Text
Symphogear, EP.7 (Cont.)
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“i have not now, nor ever, liked this creepy ass church elevator.”
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“kanade please get out of my head, just because im hungry doesnt mean you have to tell me every time i am”
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Hibiki finishes getting a full body X-ray. She’s fine.
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“that anime protagonist immunity is really kicking in well!”
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“by the way, your wife is here! and she’s looking mighty miffed., as opposed to me, mighty milfed.”
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“you dont strike me as a mother figure but ill play along for now”
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“i just hope miku’s okay...”
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“oh, she’ll be fine! see, i’ve seen these kinds of plots before. big secret revealed, another lover is shown, the victim watches as they’re thoroughly cheated on, and they get to lik-”
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“please stop breathing”
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Genjuro’s wasting away again in Margaritaville. Looking for some daughter to adopt. SOME PEOPLE SAY THAT THERE’S A, WOOOOMAAAAAN TO BLAAAAAAAAAAME, BUT HE KNOWS
XYLOPHONE RIFF
THAT’S IT’S ALL HIS FAULT
XYLOPHONE RIFF
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“i hate it when he gets like this. jimmy buffets not a good look for him.”
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“for once you and i agree. seeing the commander sulk like this like a middle aged perma-tourist is genuinely miserable”
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“hey homies! im back and i brought some bitches! oh, jesus, why does this place smell like mistakes in miami?”
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“its me. im sorry. every time i feel like i failed as a dad, my anti-dad energies manifest. imagine every midlife crisis rolled up into a single ball, smacked into the face for eternity. thats the depth of my pain for failing this girl.”
In a moment of positivity, the friendship between Tsubasa and Hibiki is cemented.
> Tsubasa has joined the party.
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“FRIENDSHIP!”
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“fweindship.”
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“uuuuhhhhh... dadship? yeah thats close enough.”
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“WE’RE ALL GOOD FRIENDS!”
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“ya tiddies are ringing again, better go get it”
Ryoko also points out that Hibiki’s relic is fusing with herself at an alarming rate. This is important to keep in mind.
Meanwhile, at night.
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Miku is posing in the motherly “you done fucked up, where have you been young lady” position. A cold scolding is coming.
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“.........................hey miku......”
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“you can come in. are you worried im gonna bite? you suplexed a car. that shouldn’t be an issue anymore.”
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“miku, i.... i wanted to tell you.... but.... the plot wouldn’t let me, miku....”
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“should’ve told the plot to fuck off anyway. now you’re gonna live with that. you’re sleeping... on the bottom bunk.”
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“b.... b..... b...... b.... b...... bottom bunk...?”
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They slept separately that night. God, this is so stupid. All of this is so goddamned stupid. “I’m so mad at you even though you saved my life.” This is just so. AUGH. THIS IS DUMB. KANEKO WRITE BETTER ANGST THAT MAKES SENSE THAT ISN’T THIS.
Meanwhile, far away from this garbage...
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Chris, having been evicted from Fine’s McMansion, wanders the streets of mumblemumble aimlessly. Don’t be fooled by her new fancy dress. Basically, she’s a combat-competent hobo.
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“no food. no home. no victories. this sucks. whyd you do it, fine? we coulda been great together. but no. ya fired me. now i look like im prancing the red light district with a highly advanced superweapon around my neck.”
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“no... hibiki’s to blame. ever since that genderbent little mac showed up to fight me, it’s been all downhill. fine thought me a laughstock because i couldnt take out her oversized boxing gloves, and now she beat me while i had nehushtan. god... i wish i never met that damn hamster faced chubby cheeked nerd.”
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“wait, whats that crying”
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Chris spies two kids talking to each other, one of them crying. Chris immediately makes an assumption, believing the big bro is bullying his sis.
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“hey! stop nicking her lunch money, twerp”
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Chris currently is a firm believer of corporeal punishment.
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But the sister deflects the blow. Chris can’t even defeat children right now. Truly, this is a record low for her. You know you blew it when even kids are schooling you on basic morality. She then tells the little girl to stop crying, ironically mirroring her brother.
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The infamous double T-Pose maneuver. Chris, you might as well get a shovel and start digging your own grave.
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“i keep doing bad things badly, and now im doing good things badly... when fine said i was bad... did she just mean im not talented?”
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Chris, finally, does a good thing and helps these kids find their parents.
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“yeah. hibiki saved a kid when she got her gear. guess what? bam! im saving two! that’s fifty percent more kid per kid saved. take that, weirdo.”
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The kids call her out on Chris singing unconsciously, and Chris gets flustered over it. Dawwwwww.
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Chris manages to get them to safety to their Dad...
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...while brutally lying about it, making Chris look like a predator. There’s a very crushing irony at play here, given who Chris used to serve.
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“ugggggggggggggggghhhhhh hes not even gonna payyyyy meeeeeee why the fuck did i dooooo thiiiiiiissssss”
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“hey, you know. you kids have a really nice relationship with one another. care to give me tips on how to be an empathetic human being capable of making friends?”
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“maybe we’re born with it”
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“maybe its maybeline”
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“maybeline...”
Meanwhile...
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A cold wind blows through Lydian Apartment 69-L. (I don’t actually know if that’s their room number, I just made it up.)
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“jesus take the wheel, because i’m jumping out the passenger seat to save this current wreck of a relationship”
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“miku please i saved your life, doesnt that count for anything”
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“you already killed me the moment you lied. also im taking the bottom bunk so i dont have to see your face coming down the ladder.”
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“miku you cant hide in this depression den forever. i know i hurt you and im sorry for it, but please understand i literally couldnt do it. you saw there were punches and violence and stuff... i didnt want you tied to that...”
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“what was that? i cant hear your apologies over my incredibly loud snoring. SNOOOOOOORE. SNOOOOOOOORE. SNOOO- fuck, i just swallowed my spit, fuck”
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“i hope this cocoon of displeasure you’ve made for yourself lets you erupt into a butterfly of acceptance so i can fly with you again.”
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“......thats not fair. you cant say those beautiful metaphors and get away with it. let me be mad... sniff... let me be mad...”
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Sadness wafts in the den of lies Hibiki has been forced into.
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No music plays. There is only heartbreak, and woe.
In the midst of this pain...
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Ryoko loredumps about how the Symphogears work and are immune to the noise on her blog, ‘hornyonmainforscience.org’, her hybrid science journal slash kink zone. It’s mostly a recap with some pretty good soft techno beats in it.
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“i made a custom brew of red bull, five hour energy drink, coffee, and cream. i call it gamer girl piss.”
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“damn. that’s some good piss.”
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She muses about how Hibiki has managed to break the limitations of her Symphogear, making her a totally unique specimen. Wait, where have we heard this before...?
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Hey... Ryoko... let’s just... cool it a bit with the Hibiki pictures... come on...
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Ryoko touches upon the Custodians and the Curse of Babel. We ain’t touching that shit until later, because that’s another shitfuck box of crazy just ready to jump us in a dark alleyway to rob us of our wits.
Back to Lydian:
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“miku whats the answer to the first three multiple choice questions”
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“B. A. D.”
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“oh, thanks. huh, BAD.”
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“yeah. you are.”
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“mmm. taste likes dissapointment. just like my life.”
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“hey table for two haha get it cause there’s two chairs and miku for the love of god, please, forgive me”
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“ive surgically removed my eyes and drew eyelashes over them with sharpie so i dont have to see your bird bangs.”
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“thats very rude to both me and my hair. also, wig.”
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Even Hibiki’s meal is judging her. Mainly for not eating it. Fucking look at this. God, that looks amazing. Fuck, why did I write this while I was hungry.
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“miku you cant do this forever. i might die and youll end up crying on my tombstone going ‘oh god, why, oh god’, and really, i cant live with myself if that happens. mainly because id already be dead by then”
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The Anime Janai crew show up to break some icebergs with a goddamn sledgehammer. As the self-aware Gods of this realm, they got very tired of this poor display of angst, and have decided to directly intervene.
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Nevermind. They came for her kneecaps, and they most certainly got them.
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PLEASE. I’M BEGGING YOU. END THIS GARBAGE PLOT THREAD.
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“look. imma lay down the facts. yall are gay. yall are in love. yall are angry for the wrong reasons. its nobody’s fault here but the writer. so please kiss and make up. pretty please.”
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“kaneko... you fool... we all know what the original sin is. its your hack writing making this stupidity in the first place. let the pencil go, asshole!”
They bring up the fact that Hibiki isn’t doing her work and wonder if she has a job on the side, which isn’t allowed by the school. Miku gets annoyed and bails, with Hibiki running after her. Unfortunately, Miku runs faster...
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“oh god miku not the rooftop whatever you’re thinking just dont do it! please!”
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“no. i came here to angst, since this is the Maximum Angst Zone.”
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“i..... okay! okay, that’s fair! rooftops are the perfect place to look sad while getting proper air ventilation, thats fine”
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It really would have been better played if it was played off that she felt hurt not because of the lie, but because she felt like she could have helped her better having known the truth, and it being a self-loathing sort of scenario for not being there better for her and not fully understanding the risk at play.
But no, instead, we get this.
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youtube
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Absolutely obliterated. A heart ripped, shredded, and sent to the Shadow Realm.
The episode ends on that note, but has a post credit scene.
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Naked. On an old timey telephone. On a computer. Wearing stockings and long gloves.
The main antagonist of the series, everybody.
She’s talking the best English possible to some random-ass American when suddenly bursting through the scene is none other than:
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“I WANT WORKERS COMPENSATION YOU BITCH, BEFORE I UNIONIZE YOUR NAKED ASS”
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“AND I WANT A GOOD REFERNECE FOR MY FUTURE EMPLOYER, AND ALSO A SEVERANCE PACKAGE SINCE I’M FUCKING HOMELESS”
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“i paint my eyelashes with mascara made from the tar of freshly carbonated corpses manufactured through noise, what on gods green earth compels you to think id give a rats ass about you?”
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“so you never cared, huh! you’re just a nasty naked hedonist trying to- trying to- what the fuck are you even trying to do?!”
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“i want to live the dream every spicy little fossil like me yearns for.”
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“I WANNA FUCK GOD!”
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“how- what? what? how do you even- what? are you- do you want to be the pope? is that it? does the pope get to fuck god? are you- is this a larping thing? you’ve really been into larping lately! i don’t like this!”
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“youve never read the old testament, have you. ass out, pussy bare, hips up and barefoot. that’s how god’s always liked it.”
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“now get lost, punk. you tipped off my hand to genjuro and now you being here is going to ruin everything. if you still feel any semblance of devotion, eat one of your own bullets and call it a day.”
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“it’s 2012 bitch, if the mayans dont get you, I WILL”
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“what god gives, He takes away, and so do i. i built you from the ground up. your relic, which was good for jack shit on you. the nehushtan, which you failed to do anything with except zap a couple hundred people. stop wars? you’re a walking war, waged by me, for me. and your cartridge has just run out of bullets.”
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“uh oh! hand’s acting up again! better bail before i send you back to smacktown where all the bitter little shittalkers like you strut around spending their lives being useless as hell.”
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“ah fuck, im not dealing with no manos: the hands of fate bullshit again”
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“and guess what else i got on motherfucker”
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“i see the union efforts have officially been busted. understandable, have a nice day ma’am”
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“LEAVE.”
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“I’M GOING, I’M GOING”
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20 notes · View notes
warmau · 6 years
Note
Ooh can you do an au base of nct dreams' go mv?? Like them as rebellious teens or something like that?? It's fine if you're not comfortable with it, Still Thank You tho!!!
futuristic rebellious teens is something i can do!! (also all the people asking for bad boy!dreamies,,,,this is the closest i can give you LOL)
Mark 
leader of the “lost boys”, which is what the group of teenagers call themselves 
basically, they’re runaways that are anti-government and since they dont have anyone like parents or authorities to answer to - the job of protecting everyone fell onto the oldest
and,,,,as much as mark doesnt look the toughest or the scariest out of all of them in a long run - he is the most stable
with a natural knack for getting everyone out of sticky situations
and he’s no hacker like jaemin or salesman like haechan - he is the person everyone turns to for big decisions
like when they almost lost renjun in a street fight with some other teens,,,or when he was alerted that jisung was caught stealing and needed to somehow get bailed out 
mark, unlike any of the other members of lost boys, started off with a pretty normal teenhood 
but after the world started focusing less on humans and more on tech and money
he couldnt take it and promised he’d do something to help the world realize that being plugged in all the time was no way to live
he’s got “lost boys” tattooed on the inside of his wrist and even if he doesnt say it outloud - he’d gladly give himself up to save any of his other members
you’re kind of a rouge runaway - you don’t belong to a street group or anything like the “lost boys”
but you too aren’t exactly fond of authority - made obvious by the way you stand out
in a flood of other teens all dressed in their prim school uniforms or boring, copy and paste outfits for going out
you’ve got rips on your worn out jacket and your nose is stuck in a book rather than your phone
mark notices you right away - there’s empty seats on either side of you on the train
and everyone else keeps glancing suspicious looks your way that you don’t even bat an eyelash too
 “what a delinquent” “probably dropped out of school” “id never want to end up like that!”
are comments being thrown around - but you dont flinch
mark, on the otherhand, cant stand to hear it anymore
he makes his way through the crowded train and sits down beside you
without even looking up you mumble “don’t pity me. i know what they’re saying.”
mark is shocked at how easily you’ve seen right through his intentions,,,,but he doesnt get up
instead he tilts his head down to read the title of the book in your hand and smiles
“i remember that book when i was back in canada”
this sparks your interest, you move your gaze toward his and mark notices the pretty color of your eyes
“canada? how is it there?”
mark shrugs “i havent been back in a while.”
you shut your book, resting it on your lap
mark wonders if the bag with you is full of more books - you look like the type to carry pen and paper in a world where everything is digitalized
but that’s not bad,,,,mark likes that
“do you like reading? and not on your phone, i mean books.”
mark flushes a little in response, “i do but - ever since all the bookstores closed i havent really, you know,,,,been able to find any”
as he guessed, you fish another book out of the bag with you and plop it in his hands
somewhere in the train people have started whispering “oh now there’s two of them? two troublemakers up to no good!”
but you and mark both ignore them
“i dont know if you like historical fiction, but its all i have to give you now.”
mark touches the book, it’s been a long time since he’s held one. the last time he was in school, the textbooks had been chucked out for ipads
“ill be sure to return it to you.” 
you see the tattoo on mark’s hand and think ‘lost boys? ive seen that name around before’
the next stop is mark’s,,,,,but when he asks you where you’re going
you shrug and motion vaguely “i dont really go anywhere. i just,,,,,,,float around kinda,,,,,,”
the train begins to slow as it pulls into the station and just as the doors open, mark takes a hold of your wrist
he tugs you up and you stumble as he pulls you out of the train
“well then, why don’t you come with me.”
you stand and the wind from the train leaving blows you and marks hair everywhere
you both laugh 
the only two people in the whole station that are looking at one and other and not at their phones
and you nod
“ok, ill follow you for now.”
you say and mark lets his hand shyly slip from your wrist and into your palm, squeezing as he holds it warmly
Haechan
he’s nicknamed “the salesman” by the rest of the lost boys 
due to his ability to appeal to anyone and everything
in a world where everyone has access to the highest forms of technology 
to flying cars, personal androids, hologram phones
haechans charm is a skill both forgotten by most, but also when he turns it on he could sell someone a flip phone from the 00′s and make it look like its better than the current iphone52
for their group, haechan uses his skills mostly to buy from the black market 
the group doesnt have a real means of making money - but jaemin’s hacking ability, renjun’s capability with his hands, and chenle’s agility and fighting skills - can be sold for the right jobs 
and in many situations haechan has to figure out how to trade those talents for daily necceassities
although there are a couple of cafes with workers who are just,,,,,quite smitten with haechan’s adorable face,,,,that every now and then he can score some free good on the sides
but what really matters is when the group needs something like medicine 
or tech that has otherwise been banned by the government
haechan is the one to get it 
your father was an avid collector of old gaming systems, and after he went missing you inherited the boxes and boxes of all this old wiring and consoloes
and that’s how you got into selling it on the black market - after learning that a lot of it had been banned
so ,,, as a seller ,, you knew haechan
he didn’t have a bad reputation or anything - but he was different
for one thing, he had the words ‘lost boy’ tattooed below his ear and out of the usual customers on this market
he was pretty young,,,,,,,,and pretty different
you’d heard he was even friends with a renowned hacker and a teenager who was skilled in martial arts
both things that you just,,,,didn’t expect from the normal person
and although you’d never done business with him - you were surprised one afternoon to see him show up at your front door
your apartment,,,,,was covered in boxes from your fathers storage
haechan looked around, picking up this and that till he finally stumbled across some part of a system and went 
“this is what jaemin wants, are you selling it?”
you nod, “everything has a price.”
haechan grins, “i like the way you talk. so - how much?”
you name the amount and haechan’s grin falters
“and you’re not interested in,,,,,,anything but money? i know a guy who could hack into just about anything?”
you shake your head, “i dont need a hacker, i need to feed myself.”
haechan shrugs, “fair enough.”
he takes out a holographic card, the blue flashing screen lights up and the currency transfers from his name to yours
you thank him and haechan looks around a little more till he heads for the door
“by the way, do you live by yourself?”
you look down, your fathers disappearance has left you abandoned but you don’t really like to talk about it
the look on your face gives haechan enough of an answer
“you should come work with me, you have so much material and im assuming you’re good with tech too?”
you fidget, you’ve never really been one to be social
so being invited to ,,,, work with someone,,,,,especially haechan - you don’t know what to say
but suddenly you feel a warm hand on your shoulder and you look up to see haechan smiling
“c’mon, im not trying to bribe you or anything - but i think you’d be better off with us then all alone!”
you freeze a little,,,,,but haechan’s touch is warm
and his eyes are pouring into yours in a way that,,,you’ve never experienced before
“a,,are you only asking me to join because you want all of my dads stuff?”
haechan sighs, “you know - if it was anyone else in the world, id probably say yes. but it’s you and,,,,,,,,i like you,,,,,so no. im asking you to joing because you’re you.”
“yo-you like me?!?”
haechan grins, “i do, and as much as i like to think my charm works on people - you’ve successfully ignored me for a while until now.”
you furrow your eyebrows
“ignored?”
haechan starts counting on his fingers “there was that time i saw you with that other tech seller and i said hi and you just looked past me, ive also complimented your skills in tech before but you didn’t even look up at me and then-”
you put your hand over haechans to make him stop and to your surprise he interlocks your fingers
“so, will you join?”
you look around,,,,your home is nothing but a storage unit full of wires and memories of a painful past
and haechan is standing in the middle of it all like a beckon of light
so instead of pulling your hand away you nod, and let haechan pull you out into the bright world 
Jeno
the tagger of the group 
has always had an affinity for art, he’s actually the one who designed the lost boy tattooes
his is in a loop around his ankle bone
and even though the future has shifted its focus from man-made art to digitally created sculptre’s and paintings 
jeno enjoys working with his hands
and some of his work is graffiti 
mostly because the lost boys are rebels - and they cant just always be silently lurking in the shadows
so every now and then jeno has a “tagging project” 
where he makes the lost boys known through graffiti and sometimes it’s more than just the name of the group
it’s art,,,,,,it’s whatever jeno believes encompasses the values of the ‘lost boys’
you’ve always admired taggers,,,,,
you come from the upperclass - the people who embraced technological advancement and threw away all the hand painted, man made art that was passed down through generations
as a kid you remembered hearing the names of famous artists,,,,but as you got older
all you saw was digital art
no one talked about the movements, about modernism - impresionists
no one wanted to study the old art of egypt, of greece, of china
when one of your parents found you sketching to yourself on the terrace, they’d ripped the paper violently out of your hands
and replaced it with a tablet
“just tell it what you want to draw and it’ll do it for you”
you hated it, and whenever you saw tagged art out on the street - knowing it was drawn by someone 
by someone real, not some system built into a computer - it made you so happy
so to your amazement, you couldnt believe that you were seeing a tagger
when you stumbled upon jeno, hunched near a back alley wall - finishing up his new art for the lost boys
“i know you!” 
you couldnt help to blurt out, jeno turning to you - ready to dash for it 
but instead of the police he saw you, wide eyed and staring right at his art 
with a look that jeno,,,,had never really seen before 
is that,,,,admiration? 
you broke his thought as you stepped closer, touching the wall and jumping a bit
the paint was still wet and the tips of your fingers had turned red where you’d touched it
“im so sorry, i didn’t me-”
jeno smiles - he’s probably the least intimidating of the lost boys and he’s been told that his smile has some kind of power over people
instantly your nervousness calms and jeno hands you his brush
“you can just paint it over for me”
he suggests and when you touch the brush, a rush of electricity runs up your hand
it’s been so long since you’ve held a brush - let alone painted something by yourself
and jeno is watching you, careful and steady and realizes that like him
you’re a born artist
he lets you stay around to help him finish, even when the dark of night starts breaking into the morning
jeno steps back to admire your work and you notice that he isn’t wearing the usual clothes that you see around
from his ears dangle pretty jewelry that look as if they’re made from metal lying and simple things like paperclips or nails
he’s grinning and you see the way his jacket falls off his shoulders 
for a moment you think isn’t it possible that people can be art too?
when jeno turns to you he goes “you can’t tell anyone about this though, tagging is supposed to be anonymous,,,,”
jeno explains and you nod, slowly but then point out “but i always know your art from everyone elses. it’s distinct and unique,,,”
the flattery makes jeno’s heart skip
but before he can say much the familiar sound of sirens pull up down the street and jeno has to grab you and run so you two can get away without being seen
and when you both stop- pressed up together in another tight little alley you feel jeno’s heartbeat against your arm
it’s fast - probably from the running - but also probably from how close you two are ,,,,,,,,
“hey, if you want to do more art with my sometime,,,,ill be around. they’ll probably erase our tag by tomorrow so -”
you pull away from him when the coast is clear, but nod excitedly 
you pull out your holographic card, a small hologram that looks like you pops up and you tell it to transfer your data to jeno’s
he shyly waves you off and when you’re gone he pulls out his own holographic card
your hologram pops up again and jeno thinks the same thing you were a while ago
people,,,really can be art too,,,, 
Jaemin
a hacker
was supposed to actually work for the government as an intern engineer but ,,,, he decided to drop out of his prestigious high school and start well
hacking the government instead of protecting it 
he got into the lost boys when he met mark at a cafe - he thought mark was interesting
so naturally, he hacked into his holographic card only to understand that mark,,,,
really was hiding everything about himself quite well
so - after meeting with him (and apologizing for hacking him) jaemin joined
got his lost boy tattoo on the side of his finger 
he mainly hacks into large scale programs of the government that deal with citizen information
basically the government monitors people through the holograph card everyone carries around - and through their smartphones if they still have one
the lost boys believe that the government shouldnt have access to private info of people - because they exploit it
so jaemin’s whole task is to figure out how to shut down the whole system
of course,,,,that’s not going to happen in one sitting - he has to hack thousands of smaller networks
and gain information on governmental workers
and all without being traced so,,,,as usual he’s inside most of the time on the computer
he gets parts that haechan “buys” from people or that mark somehow manages to come by or that renjun builds
when the group needs extra funds he also sells his hacking ability under an alias on the black market
you are a well known hacker in the market as well - you and jaemi are probably the most sought out in the field
the only problem is ,,, you’ll do ANY job - even if it means working undercover for the government 
and jaemin disproves of that - so whenever you guys have contact he’s always like “you could do much better with your talents” and you’re like “im trying to put food on the table i dont care what my talents are used for”
and jaemin just,,,,cant get over your whole ‘i survive only for myself’ mentality 
it bothers him - he feels like there’s more to you,,,,that he just doesnt know
so one day - he decides he’s going to hack you 
and he knows he should feel guilty because hacking you is,,,,basically just doing what the government is already doing to others
but he’s just scared - what if something,,,,something bad is happening to you to make you this way
but of course - as soon as he attempts it
a billion firewalls pop up and his holographic card suddenly starts malfunctioning 
and suddenly there’s a message on his screen
and he doesnt even have to open it to know that your hologram is going to pop up and be like “jaemin. why are you hacking me?”
he freezes, “how do you know my name?”
you huff, “it wasn’t easy to guess. plus haechan has a big mouth. so,,,,why the sudden interest in my life?”
jaemin looks down, his dark eyes hovering over his keyboard until your hologram eggs him on to speak
“i just,,,i just wanted to know if everything is ok- recently ive heard you’ve been working with officials and i,,,,are you really ok with it for the money??”
it’s quiet on your end and jaemin waits until your hologram goes fuzzy - and then offline
and jaemin grabs at his holographic card, shaking it to see whats going on when another message appears
it’s an address
when jaemin arrives, you’re already there with a backpack over your shoulder
jaemin stares at it and then at you 
“what’s in there?”
“information.”
jaemin stares at it - then back at you
your face is half hidden by a facemask, you don’t make direct eye contact but jaemin can see
that you’ve got pretty features - that for some reason you’re trying to hide from him
he touches his own face, completely exposed to you and takes the backpack when you extend it
“don’t tell me you’re giving me the files the officials sent over to you-”
you shrug and jaemin can tell you’re smiling under the mask
“so you are a good person afterall,,,” he starts
and you look away,,,,suddenly your face is hot under the damn mask
when you and jaemin part ways 
jaemin is sure of whats in the bag - and when he gets back home all the lost boys crowd around him
and walla - all the files from the officials are in there
before he sits down to get to reading through some, jaemin finds a note stuck to one of the files
‘don’t try to hack me again. next time, just ask me out like a normal person’
jaemin blushes,,,,but picks up his holograph card - maybe you’ll be free on a weekend or something 
Renjun
his nicknames the “builder” 
he just,,,,really likes making things - and he can fix things as well
built a bike for haechan out of scrap garbage
fixes jaemin’s motherboards on the daily
chenle had asked for a staff to practice some martial arts with and it took renjun like two hours only to make it perfectly
he seems to just have the ability to touch something and understand how it works
but,,,like any lost boy,,, he doesnt exactly want to be building things and selling them for profit just to be used to hurt others
his lost boy tattoo is on the back of his neck
he really only talks to the lost boys - he doesnt really like making conversation with others
because he has a fear of,,,saying something and getting everyone else in trouble
but with his group he can definitely be a little ,,, sassy
“stop breaking things and making me fix them, and if you dont - learn to fix them yourself.”
“but renjun i cant fix-”
“but renjun is now gonna take a nap, goodnight!”
haechan is known for being the sociable one,,,,so he’s always the one going out getting everyone odd jobs or food
but one afternoon he asks renjun to go pick up some food from this cafe where one of the workers knows haechan
at first renjun refuses, he wants to stay home and tinker with these new electronics mark just brought to him
but it’s haechan - and even renjun cant lose an argument with him
so renjun ends up outside of this cafe after closing
where he meets you - he comes out of the back carrying a couple of brown bags full of extra food
and when renjun sees you - it’s like time stops
it’s been a while since renjun has looked at anyone and you - you look like,,,,,,,,,an angel
you bring the bags out and sigh sadly, “not a lot this time,,,,the owner is sort of one to me”
you say and hand them to renjun who almost drops them out of pure shock
“are you ok?”
you ask, helping him steady himself as you tuck your hair back and stare
renjun nods slowly
“by the way - who are you, haechan said that ‘the builder’ was going to come. is that you?”
again, all renjun can do is nod
you nod too “what do you build?”
“a-anything.”
your eyes go wide and renjun is taken by the color of them
“anything?! woah - that’s amazing!”
renjun can feel the weight of the bags - but once you say that it’s like they disappear and all he can feel and hear is your voice
“id love to see your creations sometime -”
you start, but a voice from inside calls you back in
you wave and renjun doesnt even have the strength to say anything back as he watch - like slow motion - you disappear inside
a couple of days pass and renjun feels like he cant build ANYTHING 
until,,,finally he starts a little something
and finds himself waiting outside the cafe one night as you come out with your bag over your shoulder
your holographic card in your hand, showing you the weather and what not
till you look up and rush over to renjun 
“oh - the builder! what’s up?”
renjun pulls something out of his pocket and sets it in your hand
you open it and ,,, out of metal wiring and whatnot is a butterfly
whose wings buzz slightly when you touch it and you look back up at renjun
“did you make this?”
“for you.”
renjun finally speaks and you flush, looking at it and grinning
“you really can build anything, this is so cute!”
renjun blinks and doesnt really know what to say until natrually he just goes
“you’re cuter”
you both get slightly embarrassed, but you tuck the butterfly safely into your bag and reach out for renjun’s hand
he lets you take it and doesnt even question where you’re going to take him
even this silhouette our back is beautiful 
he could look at it forever 
Chenle
he doesn’t have a real nickname,,,,but he’s kind of the brawn of the group
and believe me,,,,everyone looked at him on his first day and was like “you can fight? but you,,,,,you’re so skinny”
and chenle was like, try to land a punch on me then
no one could
and rather then strength, chenle has honed the ability of agility and stealth
and when needed - he’s a great person to be a bodyguard or protector 
because no one suspects him coming
other than his fighting ability though,,,,he can be scatter headed and has numerous times found himself lost in the city
having to call haechan or mark to get him
he has also done dumb things like tripped over alley cats or gotten himself accidentally bruised when he walked into a pole because he was too focused on this good looking cake in a store window
but that aside - chenle really is capable of some amazing things
his lost boy tattoo is on the part right below his ribcage
chenle also sometimes has a habit of sticking his nose into unsolicited business
so when you find yourself cornered - a group of other street teens are trying to get you to give over your holographic card so they can sell it 
well
chenle can’t just walk by
and ,,, although he does have the element of surprise there’s like five of these teens
and you know chenle is in trouble when he’s on the ground with a little bit of blood coming out of his nose
so you just toss your holographic card toward one of them and tell them to back off of him
happy with getting what they want, they leave you and chenle alone
you scramble over, checking his face here and there and panicking because
you cant take him to a hospital - you’re both street teens
and you dont have anything on you to stop the bleeding 
so all you can do is kind of hold your hand over chenle’s nose and tell him to tilt his head so it stops
and when he’s all good - just bruising and not bleeding
he looks at you and sheepishly goes
“,,,,,sorry you had to give up your holograph card”
you shrug “nothing important on it anyway.”
chenle looks at you, his clear skin riddled in red bruises and tiny cuts
and he feels bad just,,,,leaving you
after he tried to help but just ended up making things worse
so he invites you to come with him
you, of course, say no. you’re not going to join some stranger
even if this stranger is cute
and did try to help you
but chenle just rolls up his shirt (much to your shock - your hands go right up to your face to hide your eyes)
to show off the lost boys tattoo
and you’re like wait,,,i know that tattoo - you guys are that group against the government
and chenle is like yep! if you want, you can join us - i mean anyone who throws their holograph card away like that must not really like what the government is doing huh
and you shrug, you don’t care either way but ,,,the idea of belonging to a group instead of being all alone
is kind of nice
plus chenle ,,,, doesnt seem all that bad 
and when you guys show up together jaemin is like whose this and haechan is quick to question you
but chenle explains what happens and mark, ever the nice boy, lets you stay
out of curiosity, jisung comes over to talk to you and chenle shoos him away
“they’re with me”
jisung raises an eyebrow “aren’t they part of our group - so they’re with everyone?”
you blink confused, missing the spark in chenle’s eyes and the whisepred
“that’s not how i meant it jisung, now go away!”
jisung gets the message and scurries off, but you’re still ? until chenle is like OW geez this bloody nose hurts if only i could lay my head on someones lap,,,
you: you can lay your head on m-
chenle: thank you. 
the camera zooming in on haechan: corny
Jisung
the youngest and the ‘wild card’ of the group 
mark had forbid him from getting the lost boys tattoo because he’s a kid but jisung still managed to get it 
mark was mad but jeno pointed out that hey, unless it didn’t get infected or anything like that
his tattoo is right above his elbow
he’s a wild card because no one in the group really knows if jisung understands what the lost boy cause is
or if he just likes getting into it with other street groups and causing a ruckus 
out of everyone he likes piercings the best - knows a guy named ten in town who does them on the low
since society has kind of forbid people from having anything but their ears pierced
jisung looks wild with his hair a mess and his nose pierced
(again - the piercing did almost give mark a heartattack but jeno was again like at least it’s not his tongue right?)
(jisung definitely plans to get his tongue pierced though)
you’ve seen jisung around - he likes to cause trouble
alone or with his group
you see him a lot when you’re on your way to class, he likes to hang out with the tagger jeno
or sometimes you just see him trying to badmouth off to adults who tell him he looks ‘scary’
you try to ignore it - you don’t want to meddle with anything or anyone that could get you in trouble
but,,,,,jisung thinks you’re interesting
sometimes he’ll just end up walking beside you, leaning over to play with a strand of your hair
offers to carry your books which you just snatch away
he once asked you if you’d ever want to go see him get another piercing and you made a face
that you thought meant disgust - but which jisung called “just adorable”
and no matter how much you say he’s not your type
he’s the opposite of it
there is something magnetic about him
he’s nothing like other boys around 
and the one time some other dude had tried to come onto you in the street - jisung had showed up and made no big deal out of getting into the dudes face and telling him to
“get his dirty hands right off them”
you tried to act unimpressed,,,,but you were thankful and even let jisung keep his arm around you
the problem was,,,,you think after that,,,,you’ve actually fallen for jisung
so when he doesnt show up on your walk to class one day you start panicking 
and you go around - asking if anyone’s seen him
everyone asks why in the world you’re worried about a kid like him and you try to make excuses
until you leave a shop and bump right into jisung
who gives you a smile and flicks your forehead lightly and goes
“heard you were all worried about me, does that mean someone is in love?”
you huff and brush past him
“i just wanted to make sure you didn’t get yourself killed -”
jisung pulls you around a corner and you look around with paranoia that someone might see 
but jisung just makes you look back at him and before you know it he’s kissing you
and you squirm and he pulls back and goes “don’t like it?”
and you just cant hide the look on your face so you go
“it’s fine - but do it somewhere private i dont want the whole world to see!”
“what, that you’re kissing a lost boy? a dirty street kid?”
you push at him gently, but jisung abides by your wish and pulls you somewhere quieter where he kisses you again - softly
and you think fine whatever so you do like him and he is a good kisser
and as long as no one finds out,,,it should be alright,,,,,,maybe?!?
jisung that day coming back home with a big goofy smile on his face, jaemin just turns around and is like
“i hacked your holograph - says you kissed your crush today.”
jisung: “sTOP haCKING MY LIFE,,,,but yeah i kissed them and jaemin. i think im in love”
haechan: oh no an idiot in love the world better watch out jkjk 
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jqmwol6y-blog · 5 years
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myuun · 5 years
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its still beyond me why my family doesnt take my marriage or comittment to jack seriously like its a fucking optional transaction
like “aw sweetie, stop playing make-belief”
uhm no non o
im literally BINDED to this person by law because i want to be. no one forced me. it wasnt a “lets jump into it” situation. ive known him for eight years. we have been together for five years. yeah we are both young but??? it really wasnt a big surprise that i would marry a guy i have been with for a while? 
and then to have the GALL to be like, “you can still come home and he can go back to his house, whatever its fine” 
thats not... how it works......
its not... optional. its not as if im being held against my will or being stubborn about being with jack. its... i literally love him. and im so sick and TIRED of hearing that love won’t pay my bills and getting the beautiful eye roll with the “the love bullshit will die after two months and then you’ll see that i was right”.
its been 26 years and not once have i thought my dad was right about literally anything 
since i moved to new zealand, i have had so many amazing moments and so many horrible ones. but today marks the WORST day YET, and i say yet because tomorrow is still a good runner-up, in my time here and all because my dad is here.
i am THIS close to losing my house 
and your petty fucking attitude when you could EASILY help us is bullshit and you fucking know it. you fucking know that you could help us pay this debt so easily and that the only reason right now we are struggling so badly is because i can’t fucking work because im waiting for my visa. and then you ask, well who’s to blame? ME? FOR WANTING TO STAY IN THE COUNTRY? 
im so SICK and tired of always  being told that my relationship isn’t going to feed me. and you know what YOURE RIGHT. IT DOESNT PAY THE BILLS. IT DOESN’T BUY ME A CAR. IT DOESN’T. BUT YOU MIGHTVE DONE THAT AND I WANTED TO KILL MYSELF.
and im getting there real quickly because whenever you look down on me with those dead eyes it makes me feel like dying. i had a glimpse of hope to think that you had come all this way to visit me but thats just fucking bullshit
you came here to shoot fucking animals and fuck your girlfriend who is CLEARLY in love with you mostly because there is no one else who could love either of you. congratulations you found each other again. its like a love story. my brother gets to see his parents reunited in a fuck show of money. 
you could help your only daughter but you refuse to because you dont give a shit. because i didn’t tell you i got married or was in an important relationship and you know why? because you RUIN everything you touch when it comes to me
do you know how many people, how many friends, how many times i have had to apologise for your bullshit? how embarrassing it is to go outside with a racist, a bigot, a homophobic bullshitter? 
to hear you over and over and over purposely be racist and an asshole towards other people... shame on you. the kindness that you supposedly show so many people, never ONCE have i seen it. you can throw your money all over the fucking world but you will NEVER buy my word because i know what kind of person you have always been. 
every time you see me you hurt me in every way and now you are hurting my husband and i can never forgive you for that. i can never forgive you for hurting him. and you will NEVER get the honor of meeting him because you don’t deserve him. You don’t deserve him as a son-in-law. he is the most wonderful person in the world and you don’t deserve him. You don’t deserve all this applause and smiles and love you get.
because you could’ve helped pay for so many things, but in the points where i need you the most, you tell me to fuck off. 
this is real life. this is me struggling and im not trying to say that it will get easier. i know it will never get easier. but im asking you to fucking help me. help me. help me, dad. please please please... i dont want to lose my house... i dont want to lose everything, please. 
you bought me thousands of dollars worth of clothing, but you aren’t willing to just give me that in cash so i could pay my bills. you are willing to give me a make over and cut my hair and get me jackets and shoes and underwear, but you aren’t willing to help me find a new place to live in.
how does that make sense? how can i come home with bags and bags of clothing that i got from you and face my husband when he is being torn apart by the guilt of not having enough money? i came to my small neighbourhood in a fucking bmw from the hotel crying my eyes out because i had been holding it for so long all day. i ate once because i was so nervous of seeing you and sick to the stomach of having to be with you. 
the only time i truly smiled was when i got home and jack was there and i could feel like i was home again. this is my city. this is my home. this is my husband. and you can’t take those things away from me when you always shatter me.
and tomorrow im going to spend the entire day appeasing you and trying to beg you to please... please send us the monthly money. but you won’t, you will hold onto it until you remember eventually that i’ve been begging for a month but you still refuse even though you promised. 
please god... 
these past two months i haven’t been able to work because of my visa and if this is my punishment for being happy, its too hard. its just too hard. 
you could help us so easily. so easily you could. 
but you dont even see me. you dont even see my desperation. 
you dont want to meet my husband because you cant face me being happy with someone. 
you always have to be in control. you can’t help me because you can only do so on your terms. when you per chance remember. when its your time. 
you arrived abruptly without a care in the world today as if i didn’t have a job to go to or have things to do because you dont give a shit if im busy. you know ill come running anyway because you are with-holding so much. because you are dangling what we need right there and then. 
you bought me all these clothes to show me that you definitely have the money to help us pay rent for one fucking month but that you won’t give it to me directly because you can’t be fucked doing so. 
it always has to be on your terms no matter if it breaks the person. 
it always has to be all about you. 
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dwightkschrute · 6 years
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In 2014 and 2015 I did a my year in review kind of thing where I, of course, reviewed it and accompanied it with a picture from that month. I somehow forgot to post 2016 (until now) and forgot to do it at all for 2017 but unfortunately, I am back with a really disappointing year. I was debating not putting myself through the legit pain of “reviewing” this year but I think of how I love going through my 2009-2010 posts and seeing how much I’ve grown so this is for you, successful and cooler future me.
2016 and 2017 were amazing but 2018 was my most promising year. My boyfriend and I were going to move in, I was going to start my dream job; everything was perfect. It definitely started out as one of the best years of my life! Then exactly halfway through the year everything changed and I was left having to pick up the pieces and completely restart, making it one of the worst years of my life.
I started January in Mexico, which was the best, but my family and I got home early in the month. I had quit my job the month before so I dedicated the entirety of this month to job hunting. Our friend (my bf’s bff who became mine and my brother’s bff early on)’s dad got a boat so it was like we got a boat too because despite the cold, we lived on it. (My boyfriend couldn’t go on the trip with us, which he was super bummed about (and that we had to spend like 10 days apart which was killer then), so he was the one to pick us up at the airport and he greeted me with a bouquet of flowers. Out of the many gifts/gestures he gave me, that was one of my favorites.)
February I started my amazing new job so life was back to 40 hour work weeks and not having much time for much else. I was always attached to the hip to my bf so almost every day after work entailed going out with him or having dinner with my family or his. That was my month. My favorite part of every February is Valentine’s Day and this one was as amazing as the rest. I don’t even have enough space (of the allotted space I give myself for each entry at least!) to describe that day. (My bf at our Valentine’s Day dinner. We finished our long day at this restaurant (so, so cool, once popular with Old Hollywood stars) on Hollywood Blvd and it was dreamy and romantic and amazing.) Oh man, I don’t have a lot of interesting things to say about March. Oh, my parents got Influenza (A/B/idk tbh), so it was two weeks of my brother, bf, and I taking care of them. My dad has a serious chronic disease so it was especially dangerous for him so it was a stressful time. Once we weren’t in hazmat suits anymore (no but really, we were gloved and double masked around them and kept them quarantined), I’d be at work or with my bf. I also started to get close with a co-worker, who I quickly became close friends with! (My bf’s two huskies. I’ve just loved that picture since I took it! I’ve never been loved by a dog more than the one in the back of this pic. Not even by my own! He has a special place in my heart.)
April was barbecues at my house or my bf’s, trying every brewery and bar around, hikes, bike rides, beach visits, baseball games, boat rides, late night cooking and baking. It was lots and lots of love and happiness and I would give absolutely anything to go back to those days. (My brother and bf grilling on Easter. This was a familiar scene, I have so many pictures of this exact scenario, yet looking at it just now made me so emotional! Stop! They’re just grilling!) May was so exciting! Very first day I got a new car! I was so happy! It was long overdue because my finicky, expensive Volkswagen had to go and I’d fallen in love with the new Honda Civic (I’ll admit I have basic taste but I don’t care!) so I finally bit the bullet and did it. This month my bf and I, after a long time of “oh wouldn’t it be nice!”, bit the bullet as well and decided to finally get serious about finding a place together. So the apartment search started, but we soon realized our home, Orange County, was super expensive. My bf, in that “ha ha jk but I’m down if you are” way, suggested we pick up and move to Oregon and I immediately agreed. It just felt right and despite us being the most careful and non-spontaneous people ever, we decided to do it! So we began to research, look for apartments but most importantly, jobs. (My car the day I took it home!)
Uhhhhhh, well, June hurts to think about! We went to visit Portland, where we decided we’d want to live because that’s where the jobs were, on a quick trip since it was strictly “business.” Portland was everything I imagined and more. We loved it and I think we loved playing house in our airbnb more than anything about the city. Back in LAX we came to the easy conclusion that though we lived Portland, that’d require a lot and for our first time moving out we’d like to stay close to home and above anything else, we just wanted to live together as soon as possible. We immediately started to look for places in LA, we spent the month apartment hunting, and towards the end of it, decided on one we really liked, one he begged me to please say yes to so we can move in already. I was so, so, so happy this month but what made me happier was seeing my bf, I swear, even happier than me. I seriously felt unstoppable and was beyond excited for our future. (I had a lot of Portland pictures to choose from but my bf and I liked this one because it reminded us of Always Sunny for some reason.)
In July, everything changed. To start, I left my job. I thought, new chapter in my life, new job coming, I’ll live really far, I should leave now. So I did. My last day was an emotional day because I loved my job so much and every single person I worked with. That very same day, my bf and I broke up. For unrelated reasons to my last day, to our moving in, to our relationship, etc. We had an amazing, amazing relationship but he has a lot of demons and issues/insecurities he has to deal with and conquer, and though I was aware and was there for him and would continue to be by his side no matter what, he decided that this was a battle he had to handle by himself and I figure before he got into a more committed situation. It didn’t have to happen, though. I hadn’t talked about the specifics of the breakup on my blog so  sorry for changing the mood of the post, but yeah, July happened and it felt like my world stopped. Really regret quitting my job now, huh? I was hit by two huge losses and changes right at the same time.  (I took this on my friend’s boat 20 tequila shots in, drunk and sad as fuck. Not to get fake deep but how sad. Literally on a boat, beautiful sunset, would rather die.)
August was a blur and I’m still not convinced I didn’t just dream it. God, alright, here we go, the rest of the year is a mess so get ready. I fell into a deep depression fast. It also didn’t help that my dad had to start getting radiation/infusions for his illness shortly after the breakup. I couldn’t believe how much my life had changed. I started dating someone else and then I dated another guy shortly after. I wanted to replace and/or forget and I really thought that’d be the solution. I was miserable when I was with them. I took absolutely any opportunity to get really drunk or high, and the opportunity came often so I spent most of my days desperately trying to not feel anything. The only time I’d feel okay was when I was extremely high and I couldn’t even think. Since I had a lot of savings for my out of state move, I had a lot of money to blow, which I did. I realized I even liked the feeling of the temporary “high” of spending a lot and receiving the stuff. I’d hang out with any friend who offered (out of boredom? loneliness?) and even ended up on a mess of a Vegas trip. Worst month ever. Maybe. (Here’s a positive! I like that bathing suit and my tiddie looks so round!)
When September came I realized two months had passed and all I had done was be a huge depressed mess. I no joke forgot about work. I just straight up forgot. I started to look for a new job, which hurt me so bad because I had to face the fact that it wouldn’t be my Cool LA Dream Job anymore. I stopped dating. Most importantly, I completely stopped drinking and smoking because it’d almost always make me sadder but also it scared me that I had no self control nor did I care. I saw a whole lot of my close friends and they, along with my immediate family, kept me afloat this month because time felt like it was going so fast. I couldn’t believe that at a blink of an eye it was night again and then a new day. Time had no mercy for me, please let me hold on. (Me at a baseball game. Tbh I’m looking at this thinking, did this really happen?)
October started out nice because my best friend of years, who I unfortunately had a falling out with three years ago, reached out to me. I’ll always give her all of the credit for doing that. I can’t begin to explain what this meant to me. It was a nice, bright shine of light that managed to shine through the dark clouds. Having my best friend is exactly what I needed. I’m a big believer in the universe acting in mysterious ways and though I had grown disappointed in its little surprise for me lately, this was the kind I always appreciate. I spent a good part of that month with her, catching up and doing things just like we did back then. It was like nothing had changed. That’s all I remember about this month, and a super fun Halloween! That day was probably one of the best days in months. (My best friend Rylee and me the first time seeing each other in 3 years. We’ve had our blogs for 8-9 years so please follow her for quality content)
November was rough. I was frustrated because surely things should had been better by then. I was still feeling so low, I was going to job interviews to no avail, I “relapsed” and had a high/drunk off my ass on a boat messy moment.. To make matters worse, I accidentally drove up on a cement divider in a parking lot and my airbags deploy, which is so expensive to fix, so my car was out of commission for a month. Then I got so sick and I rarely ever get a small cold. I seriously felt like I was cursed, even the smallest thing felt like an insult towards me. The one good thing is that since July I had been forcing myself to go to the gym five times a week. My mom said exercising was the only thing that’d help her feel that sweet release of seretonin, endorphins, dopamine, and all that good stuff when she was depressed so, though I enjoyed going to the gym before, I did it just for that reason alone. It worked and as another result I got like pretty fucking fit. Revenge body, you’re one of the few good things in my life right now. (I literally had no idea what to choose so I said fine, here’s a pic of the scene of the crime. Whatever.)
In December I turned 26. Which I hate, naturally. I went to a million more job interviews. I’m seriously so embarrassed to admit that but whatever, it’s the truth. (I have a degree, experience, and an awesome cover letter..I’ll keep blaming the curse!) What kept me sane was that we had different family members visiting from the very beginning of the month. Playing with an energetic, adorable baby kept me distracted and happy. Having so much company around also distracted me (slightly, but it helped!) from the fact that the holidays and my birthday would be quite different now. I’m one of those annoying Christmas lovers, usually at least. This year everything just happened and I didn’t care. But I survived December! (I don’t care. This is the appropriate representation of 2018 and how I feel at the end of it.)
Jesus if you’ve read all of this.. I’m sorry you had to read about the mess of my year but really more like the mess that is ME. Yknow those like “people my age I went to HS with vs me” memes? I seriously went from being that bitch with a good paying job, brand new car, a serious, great relationship with a promising future together (Like. We would color coordinate outfits! LMAO. We would have dinners with both of our families together. We were obsessed with each other. You’d roll your eyes if you saw any of this. I can’t get over how perfect we were, it’s hilarious what happened to us.) and then at the blink of an eye I went to not having absolutely any of that, casually dating (something I’d NEVER done) anyone who resembled my ex and sadly and drunkenly puking off the side of a pier. Who is she? I don’t know, I got whiplash. (Queen of parentheses and side notes, I know. But another thing about me is... I’ve never been affected by people leaving my life. I’m used to it. I’ve never been anywhere as affected as I was when my ex and I broke up. This isn’t normal for me, my ENTJ/Capricorn ass doesn’t know what this feeling is.)
Please curse that has been put on me, release me. Whoever is attacking my voodoo doll, calm down! Please! I’ve gone through enough sadness and loss. If 2019 is even slightly as bad, I’m going to be like that pigeon I reblogged the other day that’s like “fuck this I’m just going to sit here.” I can’t even make a cute but corny, hopeful “hope 2019 is great!” comment. I’m literally begging you...pleading you... I don’t believe in karma but after all of this shit, I better have something much better in stock for me. “Good things are coming!” I fucking hope so. Like, I’ll be even more annoying right now and say that it’s not fair that I didn’t get to have the future I was about to have. I don’t care about any cliche you may have for me. One door closes, everything happens for a reason, God has a plan, etc. No. Why did all of this have to happen? What can be better than the future I was going to have? I felt so unlucky. It all feels like a nightmare and I’m just waiting to feel whole again. Oh shit I got really intense. I know I’ll get over it and life will be good again eventually but for now, I am still so mad. I would have never in a million years guessed this is how my 2018 would go. 
So fine, I’ve accepted things now, so now I’m impatient and say please prove me wrong, 2019. I’m THREATENING you to be amazing!
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tumblunni · 6 years
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Okay the BIG TODAY THING
It seems i might possibly be gone for six months
I've been talking with my support worker about taking a course at this place thats uhh apparantly gonna help me get better with the depressions and stuff. And we had a meeting to go look around the place and make introductions and stuff but i had NO IDEA it would be all such short notice! I might have to move in IN TWO DAYS FROM NOW, what the fuck!!! And like if its not that its gonna be at the end of the week or next tuesday at the latest. Im so fuckin unprepared and im really freakin out!!
..uhh...how to describe it..well i guess its literally a mental asylum? But it's absolutely NOTHING like the horror movie stereotype! Its not a hospital with cages or locked rooms, its just like a big comfy cute shared house. Like a bunch of completely normal small apartment rooms but they just happen to be all connected to a shared kitchen and stuff and have on site nurses and a big schedule of therapy sessions and group activities like pottery class or bowling. You have the freedom to come and go as you please if you're on "voluntarily admitted" status (that's me!) and even if you're on what they call "sectioned" its still not scary loss of all your freedom. The highest level of sectioning is just like "requires an escort"? You're still allowed to go outside but you have a higher level of supervision from your key worker because you could potentially be a danger to yourself. But that's very rare and most people are only on maximum sectioning for a few weeks at the start of their treatment, if they've come straight from a situation of self harm or other concern factors. Most of the "sectioned" patients just have a time limit on how long they can spend on unsupervised outside activity. It's a pretty generous 8 hours apparantly!
So yeah i was getting worried about nothing, thinking i was gonna be in big scary solitary confinement and locked inside a tiny broom closet or jabbed with brain lazers. It honestly just seems like a summer camp resort for adults! And everyone there seems very nice, and im excited for being able to learn life skills like cooking and potential steps towards getting educational qualifications someday. And to have the help of a more specialist support worker who can assist me with even the smallest little problems. Like this nice lady Tazmin (who might be the one i get?) was saying how they've had other people with social anxiety before, and how we could plan "gradual exposure" to all the things that scare me. Like she said she'd be able to come with me and we'd take the bus and them get off at the next stop. That'd honestly be really helpful to help me get over being scared of the crowded spaces on buses, but i'd never be able to do it normally cos i'd be too embarassed taking such a short bus ride. Plus well itd be a waste of money,but if i'm a patient here i would get a free bus pass so it wouldnt be a problem.
Oh and the area seems really nice! Its so different from my stupid house right now in a crowded neighbourhood with NOTHING but houses everywhere for a mile! Its seriously almost a mile's walk to the ONE SINGULAR SHOP IN THE AREA and they close on sundays and dont sell vegetarian food. :( This area around the shared house thingie is a really nice bustling shops place but not super shops? Like i mean its a lovely village that has all the small shops you need, not a huge skyscrapers busy tourist place. The perfect balance of conveinient and not scary! They have a library and a park so close to the place, and a bazillion charity shops holy FUCK im so excited to have charity shops again!! I think you call them thrift shops in america? But i just always really love bargain hunting and finding nice surprises in places like that! And there's places to do pottery classes and group trips sometimes to do stuff like cinema or bowling or just having your big ol scary therapy meeting at the nice coffee shop at the end ot the road.
So yeah dont worry about me guys, im not trapped in some horribke hell place! I'm sure it'll be as non threatening as an Intensive Therapy Boot Camp can possibly be, im just still nervous as hell cos well yeah I Have Social Anxiety And That Is Why I Am Here In The First Place. Im scared im not gonna be able to succeed at this. I really wanna leave at the end and be all mentally buffed up and ready to make all these nice nurses proud!
Oh and man Richard has been so nice about this?? He was super freaked out and apologetic about it being Scary Short Notice, we had a bit of a dumb misunderstanding where he clearly told me and i clearly said yes but i somehow completely misunderstood what he was saying and thought i was saying yes to something else??? So im so fuckin glad that at the very end of the appointment right when i was gonna get out the car he was like 'oh so remember your suitcase on wednesday' and i was like WHAT. Like man can you imagine how much more terrifying it would have been if i just turned up on wednesday with no supplies but the shirt off my back and was like 'wtf where is he driving me OH GOD NO'. Bunni why you so bad at the good of talking!! Seriously richard thanks so much for clearing it up but also AAAAA i accidentally agreed to the shortest of short notice and i dont know if he's gonna be able to reschedule it!!!
And man i was there crying in his car about how i dont wanna be in hospital on my birthday, and babbling all the different things i had planned fot the next few months. And GOD DAMN MY DUMB BRAIN i ended up blurting out that i had a preorder of a videogame that i was gonna miss. And i straight up started explaining pokemon to my mental health counseller who is also a dj, how damn fake does my life sound?? Anyway he said that i'll still be able to keep him as my support worker when i get back out of this, and we'll still have weekly or monthly meetings while i'm in there. And he keeps reminding me that i'm free to leave if i feel uncomfortable, but i know that i'd feel like a failure if i did! So he legit fuckin goddamn said (THIS SOUNDS SO FAKE) that i could take a day off when the dumb game comes out, and he'd play co op pokemon with me. HOLY GEEZUS RICHARD YOU'RE LIKE THAT HOLY GRAIL OF THERAPISTS! And man he even said it wasnt embarassing for me to sleep with a teddy bear and he'd help me pack it up safe and ensure nobody saw it while we move my bags into my new room. And then i was like "uhh but also the teddy bear is a giant lifesize embarassing pokemon merchandise" and he was like "okay so we need DOUBLE STEALTH". Apparantly the new sequel to Pokemon Go is Pokemon Sneak! God he helped calm me down from this freakout so much, he's always great with lil jokes and motivational sayings. And i talked about how i first started being interested in Obscure Deep Sea Slug Facts because pokemon has some characters based on weird real life animals, and like its Very Educational Honest, And Has Appeal For Both Kids And Adults. How on earth did this turn into Motovational Pokemon Blabber Time??? Anyway thats how i ended up texting a professional psychologist pictures of gastrodon at 7.30pm.
SO
Yeah
In summary
I'm mostly just worried cos this is short notice! And cos its such a big commitment that being short notice is Super Bad. I need to friggin clean the whole house top to bottom in two days, so it doesnt get all gross and attract flies while im gone. And i need to toss out like a hundred bucks worth of frozen food that aint gonna keep for 6 months. And i need to wash all my damn clothes. And i dont even have a suitcase and this is at a terrible time where i dont get paid for a week so i cant buy a new one right now!! And damn i DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT TO TAKE AAAAAA
And the BIGGEST PROBLEM
Is that i wont be able to talk to you guys for half a year!!!
They dont have wifi and im not allowed to take my computer anyway. They only allow laptops and all i have is a desktop and AAAA its too short notice to save up enough to get a laptop mannnnn! Fuck man i didnt even think about that, i need to go pause my broadband internet for six months, do they even allow you to come back after that long?? And man part of me wants to ask to borrow money from friends to get a laptop but i know this time i cant promise to pay you back within the month cos AAAGH ALL OF THIS SHIT!! Like damn man if anyone is willing to let me pay back a hundred and fifty quid in 6 months??not bloody likely!! And man the only place to get a laptop in TWO GODDAMN DAYS is stupid fuckin Amazon :( but god im gonna go stir crazy being unable to do art or gamemaking or friggin anything to occupy myself!! I can bring my 3ds but i barely have any games for it and ive already finished all of them except harvest moon a new beginning which i quit cos it was bad. And the screen is broken anyway gahhh. SO MANY THINGS I NEED MONEY FOR IN SUCH A SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME THAT IS NON CONDUCTIVE TO MONEYING
So anyway GAHH i wont have an internet connection in the house, and i'll be able to walk down the hill and use the library computers hopefully at least weekly, but they forbid all social media sites. So like can i get the emails of everyone who wants to keep in contact? Man i dont know how im gonna manage this AAAAA!!! i will send u loads of pics of scenic asylum beauty and dumb updates on my stupid life of probably very little progress.
And AGGGHHH i dont even have the time to plan a blog queue or anything fuck man geez aaaaaaaa
I NEED TO BUY A NEW PAIR OF TROUSERS WITHOUT HOLES IN THE KNEES man i cant live on singular pantage in a shared house
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anxiouscervidae · 6 years
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     ive been really stressed and depressed ever since i started school again. i always liked school, but now that I’ve decided on a major and I’m going for my bachelor’s, I’ve just been overwhelmed with this feeling of helplessness and shittiness. I guess I like school when it’s a variety of topics: high school education, general secondary education, an associate’s in arts, etc.
     i feel like my major wasn’t really decided for myself. i considered that logically it was a good idea, but now that i’m actually in it, im crying almost every week from the stress and disillusionment of this facet of society and reality. i want to make a difference, but it feels so useless. Business has been established and groomed to be mostly for-profit. how can I possibly expect a small business to catch fire and become something bigger without catering to the desires of stockholders and greedy directors? everyone’s in it for the money, not to make a change.  im also super unhappy because all my classmates are forty or older, with kids and families and careers. they’ve run their own businesses before and hold lavish positions, and they’re getting this degree for kicks and giggles. because now that they’re secure and old enough, they can afford it. maybe im just opening old wounds, but it feels like they’re the same as the directors-- they want a profit and a way better life, rather than taking a look at the way business impacts the world and people around us and looking to create change.  i feel like I’m doing it all wrong. Everyone my age is just coasting for now-- like the cut-off for school was 22 and you’re not expected to go back until you’re older and ready for that path. i feel so alone in a way that i dont think anyone can relate to unless they’re separated from all their family and childhood experiences, thrust into a situation of complete independence, and having to uphold expectations for yourself and what others hold for you im really jealous of a lot of my friends. i wish i had the capacity to say “nope! no school, im gonna do my own thing” and spend time in hobbies or taking care of myself. but even then it starts feeling like wasted time. I went to school to fight off my depression, and I’m even more depressed now that I’m going to school because it feels meaningless, lmao. i can never be satisfied i guess
if i get this degree, i’ll be the first relative in a long line of generations to get my bachelor’s this early on. I think the earliest was an uncle who was like 46? so this SHOULD be a huge accomplishment but all i can think about is how i’ll be in my late twenties when i graduate, still working for a company that I think could do better and still working off my reimbursement program. and even if i get this degree, it may not have been necessary-- not to mention, it may not even pay off in a way i want it to.
anyways, i guess after that dribble of misery, its a good time to reflect on things that I can look forward to and be grateful for. this lifestyle i suppose is something unique that a lot of people my age would kill for. I have a full time job with security and benefits that lets me go to school and pay off my tuition after I’m done rather than forcing myself to budget and juggle everything all at once. i also have an apartment with a roommate who loves and supports me in these endeavors. and while i dont have much family down here, i can still text a few of them and expect them to talk with me and help me feel better. i have a car i can afford and pay for, i have a cat to keep me company in the mornings, and I have a nice patio where I can sit outside when the weather is fair and just exist for like five minutes.
things arent super bad. it’s just my brain twisting the perspective and inflating the things that make me unhappy. business isn’t even that bad, i’m just not good at retaining information in week-long chunks. I’m easily overwhelmed with these deadlines and since my anxiety presses me to be perfect, anything less than a 95% is an utter failure and I didn’t work hard enough. 
still, if i DO get this degree and i DO manage to get into business, I can retain a lot of my beliefs and touch up on that knowledge I’m lacking in. I can also try and find a way to make things better from the inside-- maybe not with an established system, but if I were to be a CEO of my own company, I could try and redirect the tides of profit-only business methods and return to the idea of social responsibility. 
idk man my brain is fried now so you dont get a conclusion, fin
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emoali · 3 years
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They say that when you stop arguing thats a sign and i kinda just realised that did happen. I stopped asking him and making him confornt what i was feeling i stopped fighting with him. Idk if thats because I stoped caring or suck at setting boundaries??? Like when it came to his job I didnt want him to be sad truly. But it also made me sad that he just seemes to never realy try at jobs. Why do i feel that way? There must be a reason...i felt it in timeshare...in real estate but im also a put to much into my work...im at the point where I dont care anymore all I want is an apartment where we can grow old... why not with him??? but I can also see doing it alone....
When he didnt pick me up I was sad and I didnt know why... $20 bucks is less than a car payment so why cry over that and i knew his situation... Yet still was hurt
He did sign up for the raid even knowing I had to work and he would need to pick me up. Why do i hold on to this memory?
While iv been flirting with guys for the past year I didnt really hide it well and I did it often... part of me thinks i did want he to find out and then idk...idk if I wanted him to break up with me or confront me and our situation and make him think to try diffrent things to make it better and change?? Idk
Were still kissing saying I love you... like the love is still there ... I want to cuddle with him and be near him still.. I'm still walking around naked Nd sleeping naked..what do i do?
I changed my facebook status a long time ago in the middle of the pandemic
I Know I was going to put a time line on him getting a job...
And I obviously knew this might happen when I signed up for therapy I wrote about it in the pre evaluation ...just feel like it happening fast and the holidays are coming... Do I stick to the time? I think if i move out its my way wanting to grow up but maybe we dont have to split? Cuz of our sex getting interpreted could be the excuse? Wanting to save money could be as well if he doesnt have a job by then... But now that iv been diving deep in this feeling idk if that's enough...im split 50/50 on that...like hes getting better in bed and cleaning (could get better) and hes cooks more for us...just never felt like i got to see what we could be on our own but at the same time that feels like a major excuse... He says he wants to get better and i believe him.... I want to...
The thought of leaving scares the shit out of me....im split 50/50 stay or go I can't decide. I'm able to picture both and be happy with both honestly....i still have hope ...i think i need to continue doing what iv been doing And see what happens in the upcoming months and if we are still seeing red flags.... because I dont want this to be something that happens to quickly. I am afraid that the holidays are going to cloud my thoughts and logical thinking.
We always fall more and more in love during the holidays if I feel in January I still want the new year new me thing then I know I gave it one last shot. 
I said I cant wait to get my own place out load recently... Ouch.. Felt like I was accepting that idea...
Hes always been my go to guy for things to talk about and still is...i was having a bad day at work Thursday and I did call my dad first only cuz of how I left feeling after the last session normally I would call him and it was like 8 am I was thinking  he was sleeping...
After my dad didnt make me feel better I called Brian and was able to vent to him
I do still want to be his friend i send him pics from work and I'm trying... So I think we can get better if we both try...but still not sure...i need to stick to my new routine...think ALOT...keep on the routine...and really explore my feelings...
Can I forgive him and stop thinking about the past???...
I'v been preparing for this for long than i realize...wanting diffrent accounts...my FB status... The job thing is for me...just sucks his moms involved...maybe it will be good to move out even if we dont spit so i just feel depentant on anyone...ughhh
I have my exit plan its just wondering if thats what i want... I have alot to think about
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rhapsody-in-heaven · 3 years
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The Diary of Losing You
Day One
I cant believe it, never did we ever talk about breaking up before this .. and now all of a sudden its happening. I cant process it. I cant accept it. Sure, we’ve had fights but I never felt like they were toxic. We never got to that point - we weren’t even close to that point. Was I too stubborn? Did you not like that? Because no matter how much I begged and bargained - you kept telling me, it was over. That you didnt have to explain things to me but you were doing it out of courtesy. But its hard to accept - not only because it was so sudden but because you told me you still liked me - and god knows, i still like you. You told me, you couldnt change and you knew that about yourself and honestly, I kind of admire that. I havent had a lot of boyfriends but the first one I had to accept cuz he stopped liking me - the other two were long over by the time we broke up - there was resentment in our relationship but we didnt know how to let go - so we kept holding on - even when it got so toxic and even when it was obvious we were much better off without each other. But its still hard. Why don’t you think we’re worth a second chance. i didnt even think it was so bad that it needed to be classified as a second chance - just that we were still trying to figure out the kinks with the first one. Even when I told you that if the same situation happens even one more time, you could break up w me - even if it was two weeks later - i wouldnt complain. But you told me that in that case you would just break up with me two weeks later because for you, the relationship was already over. You didnt think we were worth a second chance and that hurts a lot.  I spent hours begging you to reconsider - knowing that you wouldnt - but i still had to try. and then I spent hours after talking to two friends and crying my heart out to them. all i could think about was all the plans we made that would no longer come to pass. I questioned myself if I was missing the thing wed do together or miss you and yeah at that time i was grieving our breakup but grieving more the things that would no longer come to pass. Im used to seeing you once every three weeks but three weeks werent up yet and it still felt relatively normal i guess. but the fact that I also knew the sadness would hit when the three weeks were up also scared me.  sleep was my solace - when i sleep, i dont need to think anymore.  Day Two teaching as usual but then in the times i didnt have to actively teach - i could feel the tears forming in my eyes but its okay, i dont think anyone noticed. but then we had a break between classes and i started to talk to another friend and then i couldnt stop crying. crying so loud that my coteacher heard it and asked what was wrong, and of course needing to explain things out loud with my voice made it that much worse. I could pull myself together for when i was actually teaching the class but - i still miss everything about you. I had my sixth grade class and I was so happy. They were my worst class last year but they did so well on this exercise we thought they would have trouble with - and they did, but with some help they managed to finish, and they did well. The first person i wanted to talk to was you. I felt like all i ever did was complain in our relationship I really wanted to give you the good news. And you were nice enough that you listened to me, and told me that even before, just hearing from me was good news. and that felt incredibly bittersweet. before leaving school my coteacher told me to feel better but all i could think was that i missed you. I had dinner plans that night but they got cancelled - I called my cousin and he talked to me for hours just listening to me cry - and then talk about life - and listening to me cry again. He told me that you probably didnt like the way we communicated and decided to end it before it gets harder later on. I can respect that I said, but its too soon to call it quits - we never even tried. To him, I just wasnt worth trying.  Day Three teaching kept me busy for most of the morning - i didnt have much time to think about you. but after lunch, the sadness began to manifest itself again. I dont think anyone noticed, or maybe they pretended not to. but I started to think back on the times before you moved away. Before we were long distance or even a couple. How you were so good to me. How you made me food. How you stayed with me when i was sad and i just have so many regrets I wasnt adquately able to tell you how i felt about you. How i was constantly unsure about myself but how when you did ask me out, you told me that it was okay that i didnt know - it was okay if i was never able to say i love you because you could feel that saying “love” signified a very strong emotion for me that i wasnt sure i ever felt before, and even with just me saying “like” you knew and could tell that my feelings for you were really deep. Why is it that you miss them so much more when theyre gone? Why do i feel like I shouldve treated you better i shouldve done more and thought of you more and expressed my feelings to you better. but hindsight is always 20/20. I went to pole and then to see my friends at night. we went to karaoke and at this point only one of the two friends knows because i didnt wanna ruin the birthday celebrations coming up of the one who didnt know. Well we were singing “payphone” and she said that we were singing it like someone had broken our hearts and all i could do was pretend to laugh. For the record, I dont think u broke my heart. or i dont blame you. i just wish things ended differently - i wish we were worth another shot in your mind. But all of this, is just wishful thinking. And i know that.
Day Four
its the weekend, and the day we celebrate her birthday. its a rainy day and somehow every little thing reminds me of you. I havent felt like this after a break up in a long time - im not sure if ive ever felt like this after a break up at all. My last two were long over before we ended things and the one before that was the definition of puppy love - sure i thought about him, and maybe its because its been so long but i dont remember every little thing reminding me of him. The rain reminds me of you. I saw a couple walking under an umbrella and remembered that you bought this hella big and expensive umbrella so that we could share it together in the rain. when I was at the aquarium all i could think about was how nice it would be if i was there with you. I saw a boat and i could just think about your job and how youre a shipbuilding engineer. Even looking at myself in the mirror, i thought about how you bought a jean jacket so we could match. I thought about the white tennis shoes we wanted to buy so we could match together when a friend mentioned she needed new white shoes. I thought of all the cute little cafes you took me to when we went to eat a cafe. my friend said she wanted to go to a marsh she saw in my photos - the very same one you took me to. we went to a coin karaoke place and the first time i ever went to one was with you. and sometimes i didnt need a reminder - my mind would just wander and i would remember things i didnt even know I remembered. the time when we fought about women in the workforce and your industry in the cafe and at the car. how when i asked if you were still mad at me you said that you wish you said “oh maybe i am a little bit, but ill make a lot of money and buy u a nice purse” to defuse the situation instead of getting mad. How our very first date lasted two nights and three days. How you couldnt spend my birthday w me but spent valentines w me the next day. The night you asked me to be your girlfriend - and how scared but also how happy i was. How you always took me to so many places. How i always could complain to you and you would always listen w patience - how i just wanted you back - how i wanted you to hold me and tell me it was a mistake - that you didnt really wanna break up w me that you thought about it and you wanna try again.  but i also know, its wishful thinking and i know, that you wont come back to me.  Day Five No plans. it’s still raining. No reason to go out. Can’t find the will to clean my apartment thats getting messier and dirtier by the day. I just want to lie in bed. I’ve been swiping on tinder and talking to some ppl - not to find a rebound but just to talk to people - to feel less - lonely? dejected? idk. but it doesnt really work - it feels like a lot of effort that I cant give. Were conversations always this hard? i feel like ours were so easy. And then i start to think again. all the promises we made. You said you would still try to be friends with me. Can we still do the little things? even before we went out you said u would take me skiing in the winter - is that still on? you told me you would buy me a hanbok - how about that? will you still take me? I keep asking why its over for you. why another chance will never happen. but the whole day, i just lie in bed. I cant bring myself to do anything. I keep searching up things like how long it should take to get over you - but at the same time im not sure i want to. Its not over for me yet even if its over for you. I guess, im feeling all the beginning stages of grief at once. Shock and Denial - i know its over - my head knows it - my head knows that you wont take me back or give us another go but my heart still has that false hope. my heart doesnt want to give you up. Guilt and Pain - well the pain is self explanatory but the guilt - i just keep wondering if this was my fault. if I was too unwilling to change - or didnt know i needed to change until i realized u were serious when you said you were thinking of breaking up w me - if i never said “how about we just never talk again” in anger and sadness, would we have gotten to this point? Anger and Bargaining - im not really angry - i mean i dont think this was your fault or mine but i guess i am kind of upset at the fact that you dont think we’re worth a second shot. anything we argued about, even if it spanned across a couple of days, has never come up again. and this was the first time this particular issue came up so why could we both make steps and amends to keep this from happening. are we both too stubborn? but i was willing and it felt like you werent. you told me that even ur past gfs have said that sometimes they didnt feel like they really had a choice and it wasnt just me. so im assuming that this is something youre eventually going to have to fix for yourself or you find a girl whos okay with that - but you also said you didnt want a gf or a wife that was like a doll who just agreed w everything you said. so this just means to me that youre not willing to try and change. honestly, if youre aware of it, it shouldnt be a hard fix but you already made up your mind that you werent going to do it. in reality i just wasnt the one you were willing to make those steps towards. and that is where my sadness and anger come from. now bargaining - im really willing to make changes and kind of the biggest testament i can give to that is that if we could be together again, i could quit that game ive been playing for 2 years cold turkey. For whatever reason, you never liked me playing that game and if it means i could have you back, i would gladly get rid of it. as for the other things - i promise i wont pressure to be with you longer cuz i know your tired - now i know youre tired. because you never told me before. Im sorry i dont like to lose arguments and i get defensive - i know i need to communicate better too. but i just really miss you and it kills me that we never even gave it a chance. yes, maybe youre right and things wont change and i know you think youre doing me a favour by ending this sooner rather than later but it kills me more that we never tried. Depression Loneliness and Reflection - self explanatory maybe im not fully in this stage yet but I do realize that the bargaining is not going to work even if i hope that it would.  it isnt over to me and to be honest, im not sure i want to get over you yet, even tho i know i should. Day Six
a monday. i asked you yesterday if we could talk and you said you were busy. I’m sure even tho i know your answer, i will ask you today if you would reconsider. im sorry if this puts pressure on you but i think its also necessary that i know I at least tried for my own sanity instead of letting this go. I’m going to tell you everything ive been thinking the last several days just to get it out. and yes, there is still that false hope that you’ll take me back and when that’s crushed i will probably inevitably cry again. I’m not sure if talking to you so soon is the right answer, if later would give me a clearer head. but my heart is telling me that i need to ask you to reconsider now and not later - if only for the confirmation - that nail on the coffin, that we’re really not happening anymore. I asked you when you had time and you said 10pm. So after work, i go home and i write down everything i want to talk to you about - at least everything i can think of at the time of writing much of which i talked about here already - how i thank you for loving me and all the things you did for me, how i still hope youll keep ur promise about buying me a hanbok, about a possible snowboard trip, about my stages of grief - my denial, my anger, the bargaining, how it wasnt just you who needed to change but i do think you will eventually need to change for someone - that i was sad it wasnt me. how i wish you told me about the stresses of your job so id be more understanding, how you were the first guy i thought i could say i love you to. how im not good at this cuz my last two and only serious relationships ended long before we called it off but right now i still feel like i was starting to like you more and more. how u know to break it off now because it would hurt more for me later and you no longer wanted to see me cry but for me second chances and trying is important - which is why im bargaining with you even tho i know you will say no. i need to know i did everything I could. that im sad we didnt meet earlier and have a more stable realtionship and maybe it woulda worked out - that i was sad you had to move for your job because if you were still here things wouldve worked out differently. but i dunno - i hope youll listen with as open a mind as u can, really think about it before you reject me and ill know i did everything i could. 
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