#sucks that I have a ton of other books that I’m also working through rn lol

[oatmilkenjoyer69]

MY LOAN OF TOMORROW, AND TOMORROW, AND TOMORROW IS FINALLY AVAILABLE

[1d1195]

I’ve missed you too!! Such a busy week has left me drained lol but seriously bestie chatting with you cheers me up every single time💕

You’re so real for skipping around the audio for the sweet parts lol especially when it comes to friends to lovers legit a trope I could ever get tired of!! I would say get into audio book but tbh sometimes the people narrating them are not the best… so yeah maybe stick to the audio porn lol also you’re writing something for Thursday?!? A WIN!!!!!!

Aren’t we all angsty girlies at heart?!! At least I know I am lol love the pain and distress lol made to be was just so so so good I know I say this often but I might just have to re-read! (And I genuinely do bc the amount of time I’ve re-read your stories is crazy lol) and the new teacherry won’t be dumb! And if it is who cares!! This is fiction so it doesn’t have to be groundbreaking at all! I know it won’t suck but I do understand how it can be hard to see the positives sometimes!

Cariño is a fave of mine for reasons idk why! There’s also bebé(baby), preciosa(precious), querida, mi reina(my queen, but tbh I’m not a fave of queen in general lol) but omg gatita IS SO FOR YOUR STOIRES😭 there’s probably a ton I’m blanking on lol mi vida is also such a classic that I love it too lol and I don’t think that you would offend anyone tbh! Plus if you want to use the restaurant storyline stuff like tacos and other food stuff is what sells ya know. I think as long as you don’t really enforce stereotypes(I doubt you will!) then you’re fine! Or I could also see the reason of him using Spanish nicknames would be maybe because he studied aboard? Or maybe just living in a place where they mainly spoke Spanish for a bit? Or he’s just crazy smart and learned the language on his own lol ANWAYS I fear i will once again die(good way)if you ever use a Spanish nickname!!

lol

I’ve had other 3 hour courses before and they can totally make or break how I retain the info. I always kinda feel like I wanna share about the cool topics but i definitely geek out about and I fear these little chants would become WAYY longer than needed lol but thank you!! Hopefully I’ll stay interested in it for at least half way through 😭

NOT THE NOSE😭( I SCREAMED) BESTIE DRAG ME HAHAHA (his nose is cute though so you’re right😔) but for him i find his hands the most attractive…he’s also tall and wears glasses so i fear i wont shut up about him lol and thank you for the lovely vibes!!

Oh think those colors would be so cool for you! Especially rn since i think thats what’s like popular I think? But im sure it will look lovely in theory lol it probably would be a shock for everyone but dare i say bestie i kinda love the idea of you doing that!! Yeah the upkeep and like special products once has to use to take care of the color can be a lot lol I LOVE the way the universe made you!!!

You’re so right about Cody lol and I can see the appeal of Ben but Josh… girl trauma lol I love a good sad character even if it hurts knowing about! There’s also nothing wrong taking the sperm donor route like I have done my research as well lol Also a honey prequel?!? THATS SUCH A GOOD IDEA!! And bestie honey is turning out great!I have no doubt the last few parts will be just the same! You are and have been capable of creating such lovely stories!

Understandable about the wedding! I can see the Most couple getting eloped or whatever since they are basically soulmates lol I can definitely see how the guilt of her leaving could prevent her from even enjoying being engaged or going through the wedding process. And you’re right Harry would marry her whenever and wherever lol oh that’s such a good way of grouping firefighters 😭

Retail therapy is always fun! But I totally get how it sucks when not even the sweet treats are working😭 sending you the best vibes to help your brain!! Also a trip to Salem sounds so fun!! Have you been there before? Fall very much seems like your season( plus your birthday is coming up soon-ish!!) and a mft update would be so good for fall!

I actually had a busy weekend! Went out with friends to a drag show on campus which was fun! Did some needed errands but sadly started to feel off bc of my period:( but I’m fine just in slight pain lol and this quarter I only go for 3 days so it’s not too bad! Though I do have to wake up really early and stay really late on campus which is lame! But typically I like to go everyday just so I can have consistency but it just depends on the classes tbh who knows how next quarter will be lol

Ahhh Sam my love I am wishing you the best start of the week! Missed you loads!! Sending you so much love bestie! Love you lots!!!-💜

I think I misspoke perhaps. I meant Thursday as in the date not my story. 🙃 This is a next-door neighbors he's obnoxious but hot, she's not falling for it but is. But it's a little heavy I think. And with the recent Honey update, I'm thinking maybe I'll skip it. We'll see if I throw something together. Y'all might get the last part of Honey on Thursday 🤭 I'm sure everyone's devastated.

Sometimes I write stuff and I'm like "Omg no one would ever do this or believe this" and I know that's kinda the whole reason for fiction, but yeah. I just don't want it to be ridiculous. I'm an angsty girl because I love solving problems (math people, am I right?) but I don't like when it's a prolonged problem I need it solved like ASAP. (I often skip ahead in books, even if it's just a couple pages or a chapter because I get so distraught 😭) and when the love is loving, I need to know it's going to get better.

Preciosa is also super cute! I am def not a fan of my queen. I love princess (thanks Niall). but other than that. GATITA FOR THE WIN. I love the idea of studying abroad Harry. Love that love that love that!

Even if you just give me like a tidbit to study and look up. Or I'll make another sideblog just for you to send anon messages and geek out about psych stuff. I'm down for whatever you just let me know!

I WASN'T DRAGGING I SWEAR 😭 I JUST REMEMBERED SOMETHING FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE. Yes, hands, bless. I will not elaborate about hands, but you know. Everyone knows. GLASSES I'm S O L D. Please, do NOT shut up about him. I'm here for him.

I've been thinking about it more and more because I realized very recently my hair is all one color. Doesn't really photograph well. Idk. I don't photograph well at all. I think my whole aesthetic is "lovely in theory" 💀

I bet you're really kicking yourself that "honey is turning out great!" 🤭

Never been to Salem, no. Fall IS my season. I am a sweater, campfire, and bugs dying kind of girl. Apple picking? Say less. Basically, I want to be MFT mc and just live my best fall life.

I love that you still did fun things even if you're starting to feel off. It sounds like a fun weekend overall! I hope the pain continues to not be too bad. 3 days is a dream! I get the consistency. That's brutal for a sleep schedule. Can you sleep late on the days you don't have classes at least? But yeah, I get it. Some classes are such a drag!

LOVE YOU!

xoxo

[lucifers-favorite-pen]

How The Obey Me Brothers Would Do in a “The Forest” AU

Fandom: Obey me

Pairings: None

Warnings: Swearing, idiocy, mild gore

The Forest was just released for the new Oculus headset, and Levi could NOT pass up this opportunity. However, it’s just his luck he got his hands on a cursed copy of the game, and ended up sucking the House of Lamentation into the game! Here’s how our favorite boys faired in the universe of “The Forest”

Lucifer:

Is pissed.

Bitches about it heavily

Is irritated that he has to find and wrangle a digital son now as well as his siblings. 

Would definitely help everyone else build a little shelter before nightfall, but would be grumbling about how much work he has to do at home and how far behind this would put him. 

Doesn’t let MC lift a finger and is 100% a mother hen the whole time. 

Seems inconvenienced by the whole cannibal thing, until he realizes magic doesn’t exist here and he has to use his melee fighting skills to kill them. Skills that are a little rusty...

Teams up with Beel to be the camp dads and take care of everyone

Super paranoid about the stability of the walls and the house at the beginning

Dies from eating a poisonous berry. He didn’t know he could be affected by poison in this game.

Over all, does his best to keep everyone alive, and feels really bad when someone dies. 

No longer feels bad when he learns that the worst thing that happens is you lose all your stuff and you respawn. 

A solid 7/10 job. Probably dies a few times due to someone else being an idiot, but is a pretty good survivalist when push comes to shove. 

Mammon:

Is also pissed

He was in the middle of counting the grimm from his latest modeling gig when he was sucked into the game.

Bitches and moans with/at Lucifer, but tries to build and maintain a shelter.

Who’s Timmy?

I don’t think crows exist in the game, but seagulls do and they all land on his fingers and he makes friends with them.

Is very upset when one of his brothers kills a bird for food or to simply carry around its head as a trophy. 

Sees cannibals and tries to trade with them with the grimm he has in his pockets.

Dies on sight.

Now when he sees or hears cannibals he screams and cowers behind MC 

When they go away or the screaming stops, he stands up straight and dusts off his jacket “Psh, I wasn’t afraid! I was trying to comfort you from behind! YOU were the one afraid”

After a while in the game, he gets his shit together and honestly kinda kills it. 

This is the avatar of greed, you know he is going to gather and horde so many valuable resources and then guard them with his life. 

“Mammon I’m hurt please stop hissing at me and let me have the medicine bottle”

*hiss* “You can have ONE pill and ONE pill only”

Over all, the definition of “They had us in the first half ngl”

8/10 for managing the group’s food and resource stores so well and only dying a fuck ton of times. 

Levi

...oops?

Feels quite guilty, but is also secretly pumped to immerse himself in the game.

Was extremely skilled at this game IRL and tries to explain how it works to everyone else, but they’re all so pissed and no one’s listening.

“That’s fine, who would want to listen to a yucky otaku like me anyway!” 

Magic doesn’t exist here, but that doesn’t stop Levi from yeeting himself into the ocean and turning into a giant sea monster while his brothers complete the game. 

They don’t want his help? They don’t want to know that the cannibals can’t swim and that they’ll be safer if they build a boat and live in a boathouse on the water? Fine. Then Perish <3

That goes for Timmy too, fuck that kid. 

Doesn’t want MC to suffer tho, so he’ll kill a few sharks and throw them up over the wall with his tail. (I’m assuming that if the game is released for Oculus Rift that they will get their shit together and also make sharks edible)

Is having a grand time taking over the ocean. 

Will sometimes go to shore to visit MC. Everyone is confused as to where he has been and how he is thriving. He just smiles and jumps back in the water.

10/10 strats. Never once dies. Tells everyone what they were doing wrong and how they could have had it easier when they beat the game and are back IRL out of spite.

Satan

Angy

Is throwing things in their spots while building the shelter, but is still helping

Spawns in with the book he was reading in his hand.

That book is eventually stolen from his grasp in the night and used as kindling for the fire.

Lucifer explains that if he didn’t steal his book they all would have died. 

Satan does not give a fuck

“Use the kid’s stupid fucking drawings you dipshit!”

“I can’t they’re story items!”

Goes on a rampage and kills so many deer, effectively feeding the group for a week.  

Sees the cannibals for the first time and thinks “same” 

Pretty good fighter and pretty resourceful when it comes to making armor and weapons. 

Outfits MC with the all of his prototypes and tells them to go run at a tree

“How do you feel, MC?”

“Like I ran at a tree with a deer skin on my chest”

“Interesting”

Very upset at the whole no magic thing, but will work with it.

Over all, 7/10 job. Dies a couple times from cannibals and the other monsters, but makes it to the end.

Asmo

Oh dear. 

Oh dear this sweet summer child. 

“Why are we looking for this child when he’s so ugly?”

Is distraught and so very upset this is happening to him. Cries variations of “woe is me” for the first five hours of game play

Does not help build a shelter

Does not help gather food and resources

Does not help period. Only whines. 

Sees cannibals sprinting and jumping towards the shelter and pushes Lucifer in front of him

“Take him! I’m too pretty to die!”

“HEY!”

What follows after the first three days is a slow decent into madness. 

Ends up butt ass naked for the majority of the game because the clothes he spawned in with were ripped to shreds and “No animal skin clothing in this world is good enough to adorn my perfect body”

Starts speaking to the animals and becomes friends with all of them like a Disney Princess. 

The animals come to his aid when he lets out a specific shriek that calls them to his side.

Spends his time weaving flower crowns for MC, his brothers, and his animal friends. 

Everyone knows he’s snapped when Beel brings back the dead body of a cannibal and Asmo dips his dirty little finger into an open wound and wipes the blood on his lips. 

“I just love this shade! Don’t you?” 

5/10 job. Dies multiple times from trying to befriend hostile animals, but also has an army of woodland creatures at his disposal by the end of the game.

Beel

Bro you know this mans is about to make this game his bitch

Spawns in with a cheeseburger.

Eats the cheeseburger.

“I have a son?”

“I HAVE A SON :D”

“Where is my son?”

Honestly the thought of Beel in this game is so sexy like I’m simping so hard rn 

Grab your water skins and buckle up bc it’s about to get thirsty up in here y’all

A shirt? Beel doesn’t know what those are anymore

He crafts one of those shoulder harnesses out of hide and bone and sticks a bone shiv thing on the forearm 

Don’t mess with this demon when his dinner and his family is on the line.

Is not afraid of anything except the death of his loved ones.

Cannibals? Nah, dinner.

Other monsters? Nah, dinner. 

Full shirtless lumberjack mode with Lucifer, and later Mammon, when cutting down trees in the forest. MC is drooling. 

Definitely makes a game out of how many trees they can all chop down before giving up.

Plays knuckle bones with Belphie and MC using real knuckle bones. 

Doesn’t want to share his food with the others but will if they didn’t get anything to eat that day. 

Chef Beel. That’s it that’s the post. 

10/10 job. Only dies once throwing his body over Belphie’s sleeping one to save him. 

Get’s annoyed when he finds out Belphie was fake sleeping

Very sexy. Would watch. 

Belphie

Nah dude no thanks 

Alexa play “Wake Me Up When September Ends”

Alexa play “Billie Jean”

“And the kid is not my son”

Get’s so fucking pissed when he finds out he can’t sleep without everyone else deciding to sleep too so he just lays down with his eyes closed and hopes for the best.

Doesn’t help with anything unless someone asks him to

Even then he’ll roll his eyes like brat and slowly do it

An actual sloth

No like he clings to MC and Beel like a sleepy sloth 100% of the time

He can’t find any cows and is sad so he settles for the local deer instead. 

Fake sleeps through most of the whole thing, paying monster and cannibals alike absolutely no mind. Beel will take care of it.

Freaks the fuck out when Beel dies on top of him and goes into a rage and kills everything in sight. 

Very sweet reunion when he realizes that they just respawn.

No longer pays death any mind and continues fake sleeping. 

0/10. Virtually useless. 

Masterpost

[titan-fodder]

ok um. where does one begin to talk about this story?? well i guess first with this last part, the ending, the epilogue, the grand finale, and oh my god, you delivered. it was so good. it felt like everything fell into place. of course they would meet up in their work (work that they love). of course hange would bet on them. of course they would reconnect no matter what. i think my favorite small part about this last part is rhi. i didn't like her, but i didn't know her. but just thinking about her and reader bonding over shitty college dudes? no yeah good for them. the way mike knew how he was gonna propose with those godforsaken fucking short oh my god. he's perfect, the love i have for the way you write him it's like i want him. i want giant man to propose to me with his stinky old frat boy shorts. and erwin? oh my god, i know you have spin-offs planned but literally just getting his speech at the wedding and nothing else would be the cherry on top of this massive fucking cake. i literally have to go back and look at everything i loved about this last part because it's everything. it just so fucking good, i can't stress that enough.

this whole fucking story was not just fanfic, i mean yes that's what it is, but the story, the characters, your writing style. it all feels like an actual book. i want this book. i want to see netflix adapt this shit because they could never come up with something this good. i've been reading your writing for a while now (it's kinda ironic bc deflowered was the first thing i read from you and i can't look at zeke rn after this) and this whole thing just proves not only how good you are as a writer but how much you love it? i hope this makes sense, but prima vista is such a labor of love. even with all the fucking pain and frustration you made all of us go through, it was clear that it was made like with so much care (clearly with how much it fucking hurt me). also you never tagged this as a soulmate au, but god fucking dammit they're fucking soulmates. they struggled, but they also knew they were for each other and it sucked it took them ten fucking years, but like it also gave us this wonderful story i will be re-reading like every fucking week. i love prima vista. i love ur writing style and characterization and this only further solidified that. thank u so much for sharing this frat au (i forgot while reading the last part this really did start off with some rando coming up to her and being like "shotgun this (gross) beer?" like how did u make a frat au so beautiful. how.)

this is a monster of an ask, and i am not lying when i say it brought me to tears. like, i just kept shoving my face further and further into my hand cause *shrieks*

i'm so stoked you liked the ending so much. i tried to add in as much as i could without turning it into its own fucking fic (and believe me, it was tempting). but yeah, i needed them to have the long break, grow, then reunite cause hhhh reunions get me every fucking time. and bro, i love that everyone is digging the rhi arc. like i wasn't sure if it would be well received but people seem to like that little circle.

i had a ton of fun writing erwin in this whole fic. like, i don't know if y'all noticed, but he was probably my favorite part aside from mike x mc. he just ggjkjgn i love him, okay. even when he was being a dickass, i had so much fun.

I FEEL SO VALIDATED knowing i kind of ruined zeke a little after dragging so many people down into hell with deflowered like kjgernkjn my greatest achievement. mike deserves so much more love than that rat bastard does (but i'm a little biased lmao). but really, i'm flattered you like my writing so much. i would be mortified if netflix ever tried to make an adaptation, though hahah

it really was a labor of love. that said, it felt really natural. like, the words just flowed. i had so much fucking fun writing it. i have never been able to write something of this length in such a relatively short time. i think it took me, like, a month, or so to start and finish writing it. but i wrote a lot. like, pretty much all of my free time went to this fic. i didn't mind, though. i had a blast. so i'm glad that showed through.

your soulmate comment is what really choked me up like erkjnrekj you're making me fall even deeper in love with my own story, and i cannot thank you enough for it. seriously. it means so much to me.

it really all did start off with mike chanting "shotgun! shotgun! shotgun!" hahahaha. what a dork.

[rigelmejo]

as usual the learning stages are so weird. reading in particular Constantly feels like a rollercoaster of: i’m drowning in unknowns, oh cool i understand what i don’t understand and its a slog looking up words/interpreting but i’m managing, this is kinda doable and not exhausting anymore!, oh no i’m drowning in new unknowns

at each iteration, each step feels a little tiny bit easier. Like me ‘kinda doable and not exhausted’ feels much more relaxing/less mentally draining to me now than it did on month like 6. my level of overall ‘this is horribly hard’ is diminishing. Still though, when i forget the longer perspective, in the short term it keeps feeling like an up down rollercoaster. to be fair, each time it feels ‘easier’ for long enough, then i will move onto harder material. so it makes sense the up down rollercoaster of difficulty continues.

anyway it is. blowing my mind lately. Because i’m at the ‘doable and not exhausting anymore’ point again! Only this time, the reading material is 寒舍, 天涯客, 盗墓笔记 - novels I found horrifically difficult in the past. Yet now I can a few paragraphs in a row before I hit unknown words, and now I can sometimes go through whole sections without looking up words and probably follow the plot and just miss some details. Right now the only hard step is me getting into the ‘reading mood’ because the actual reading is bearable, just requiring dictionary lookup if I want to study all the new words. Which is just... very overwhelming as a concept to me. its so cool. its overwhelming.

at the same time though! i know eventually i’ll get through this patch, and start realizing what new things i DIDN’T notice i didn’t understand before. And then it will get hard and draining again. Still, I’m really excited about it while I am in this part of the experience.

It also makes me want to try some extensive reading again - where I read one of my physical books, and don’t use a dictionary at all. Or only for key words at the end if they kept popping up, and i desperately want to know them. I know every time i do extensive reading - particularly that kind, the hardest kind, i am exhausted easily. Its hard! At best I can strain to follow the main idea! But I think it does spark improvement! And maybe a harder challenge is what I need to become motivated. Or just what I need in general. Since eventually, reading that way is the goal, when I do it I’m practicing the final goal.

Also I feel like such a baby! Like?!!!! I tried extensive reading at month 5, 7, 8, etc!!! When it was MUCH harder, AGONIZINGLY harder!!! I STILL managed to endure it and read the Kunlun intro in Guardian, some paragraph passages in guardian, some chapters of MDZS, some chapters of Mo Du. Like??? I read through 2 chapters of mo du with no dictionary before!! I think it was back at month 8 or 10? But like i am being a chicken to be scared to do it now. When clearly i could suck it up and bravely do it before when i had less knowledge. In a way, I think its funny - the more you learn, sometimes the scarier things become, because you realize JUST how many details may be there that you could miss. When I tried to extensively read earlier on, months ago, just following the main idea was an accomplishment! Now that I should be able to grasp it, then i also expect myself to be able to catch the details - which is harder work, more focus, more expectations to meet. 

Anyway some mostly unrelated notes to self:

Parallel reading english and chinese is a quite relaxing/lower effort way to practice reading. I did that earlier today with an english and chinese translation of a fanfic - its easy to match up unknown words to their definitions, see how words phrase together differently to convey similar things, and the only hard part is when I run into unknown hanzi since I can’t pronounce them. Similarly - reading dmbj in chinese, within days after reading the english chapter, makes it much easier to read through. Because I know the general plot, when i encounter sentences with words i can’t figure out even with a dictionary or sentences with grammar i can’t interpret for certain, the general plot knowledge helps me know whats going on enough to continue reading. 

My speaking skills need some vast improvement. Just like with reading - the more experienced I get, the more i realize i haven’t even noticed i needed to do and learn! I was working on tones the past few months, and now that’s a touch better (still not much). But can i say a sentence quickly/fluidly? No. Can i say anything at a quick pace? Probably not. Do i still forget tones or screw them up when saying a sentence, especially one at a decently quick pace? Yep. I was watching John Cena speaking chinese of all things, and the language learning form was like ‘his efforts admirable but he doesn’t even have conversational ability.’ I listened to him, and his word choice was basic but sufficient for the conversation. He was able to respond immediately in chinese, which was the most impressive thing I think - no slowing down to think how to word it or which word. While he probably made some mistakes, it did show he has an active vocabulary and that he can actively put sentence together without delay. I didn’t necessarily hear tones well in what he said, but his pronunciation sounded recognizable to me. So if that’s not conversational? How good must one be to be conversational? For the conversation he had, it seemed fine? And so now, of course, I’m like “well my tones are weak anyway that’s just that. they’re even weaker in a sentence. my grammar’s weak when producing. my word choice usually requires me to pause to decide if i need to tone change based on surrounding tones in the sentence. i cannot talk as fast as him period. i cannot form sentences so confidently. mm.”

i probably know many more words? in comparison? since i know a solid enough amount now that chinese subtitles in shows i can usually read all hanzi now, its just learning some new words/sayings made with those hanzi. i can read manhua fine. i can read easier novels ok, and harder ones with a dictionary. i know i have a very long way to go, but i feel i know more than 2000 words now, and 2000 ish is usually what they recommend for daily life casual conversational ability (how are you/did you do x/you think x/you ask about x/etc). and in typing i can type pretty quickly and have an active vocabulary. but truly when speaking, i start overthinking if i’m doing the grammar properly and if i need to switch tones for 3rd tones and just slow down a ton.

also my grammar rn? its a hot mess. Reading? Phenomenal, easy. Grammar does not really confuse me in reading - sometimes a new word or phrase does, when i’m trying to figure out how its interacting with the overall sentence meaning. But grammar usually doesn’t (except that gongzi huanxi novel for some freaking reason). But when I produce? For some reason when i DO overthink and try to determine how to word something, i will sometimes fuck up my grammar so much that my sentence becomes incomprehensible and the person i’m talking to asks ‘what do you mean?’ Yet when I don’t overthink and just start talking/typing, its usually fine. BUT that means its incredibly hard for me to self correct. I am fairly sure I’ll just have to continue building a large vocabulary/reading ability, then when i’m ready, just read through some grammar books and practice exercises until i develop the proper patterns. 

Like??? the other day i had to ask someone something like “what’s the name that you use in real life?” because we were chatting online. But i overthought the sentence after i typed it, then rearranged it thinking ‘oh i have to put ‘what’ question word in a different location etc for grammar reasons.’ Then they were like ‘what??? im sorry i don’t understand what you’re asking.” Even though it was a simple sentence, i knew all the words. But i overthought how to ask it and therefore made a completely incomprehensible sentence somehow messing up the grammar when i tried to ‘correct’ so badly it became impossible to understand. And this was the same conversation where they asked why i liked to read the books i recommended. And i was able to say a long paragraph with long sentences about how “i found poyun on a reccomendation list when i was searching for more books like mo du, i love priest’s novels and i love mysteries so i was looking for a similar kind of well written story. i like boy love stories if i happen to find them, since i’m bi and its nice to find love stories i feel more able to connect to. but i like all kinds of stories if the character writing is good, and the plot is meaningful.” Like... i was able to write all of that off of the top of my head in chinese without looking things up, just typing. And i didn’t re-read it to check for grammar. And the person understood just fine and responded. But when i asked something as simple as “what name do you use in real life?” i overthought how i was supposed to word it and became incomprehensible! So for now, I’ve been just speaking/typing however the sentence comes to mind. I’m fairly SURE im making grammar errors, but i’m having more luck being understood that way. So i’ve sort of just resigned to the fact that later on when it becomes a priority, that’s when i’ll sit down with a grammar book and drill out the patterns and correct any ingrained-mistakes i might have. 

[ginervaweasley]

Quarantine tag game

Thanks for tagging me @charmainediyoza ❤❤ thank youu

ARE YOU STAYING HOME FROM WORK/SCHOOL? Yes! I have some online lectures tho, a ton of assignments and essays and I'm staring to write my diploma thesis

IF YOU’RE STAYING HOME, WHO IS THERE WITH YOU? My parents and my brother ARE YOU A HOMEBODY? Less then I thought I was. But I still am AN EVENT THAT YOU WERE LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT GOT CANCELLED? Not really, attending classes normally would be better obviously and my practical training got cancelled but nothing i was actually looking forward to WHAT MOVIES HAVE YOU WATCHED RECENTLY? Emma (2020), Frozen 2, Birds of Prey... I plan to rewatch P&P (2005) - again- and some other Austen adaptations WHAT SHOWS ARE YOU WATCHING? I've just finished Merlin, s3 of Élite and I'm Not Okay with This. Right now, I'm watching La Casa de Papel and I plan do start Downton Abbey (yes I've never watched it), oh and I rewatch random AWAE episodes from time to time WHAT MUSIC ARE YOU LISTENING TO? honestly a mix of everything, I really love Halsey's new album now tho WHAT ARE YOU READING? I've just finished King of Scars (L. Bardugo) I'm trying to get through Fire and Blood (GOT prequel, and it's actually fictional history book istg), and I just got Sorcery of Throns (M. Rogerson) and The Assassin Blade (Sarah J Maas), so I'm about to start reading those as well WHAT ARE YOU DOING FOR SELF-CARE? I'm trying to keep a somewhat normal schedule but it's difficult rn. I'm trying to eat healthy since I don't move as much now, and now that I kind of have a routine when it comes to university-work, I plan to start working-out again since I can't really go for a run and it sucks and I need it for my mental health. Also my hair definitely enjoy going heatless for three weeks now lmao.

I’m tagging @clarkegriffinblake @damn-salvatore @shirbertndisney @behlamy @captainmorningstar and whoever wants to do this

[mianmimi]

Random question but I am interested in being a nurse, studying to become a professional nurse, I mean. If you have any advice, any do's and don'ts, that'd be wonderful. Thanks! You're a real life hero! People like you have inspired me to take this career and take college again after dropping out the first time. You're amazing!

Thank you so much for this Nonny, I super appreciate it! Not gonna sugar coat it, nursing school is extremely hard for a variety of reasons. But...it’s also super worth it! I just complied a few things I learned during that time. Hopefully it helps you out :) These are in no particular order btw.

***You gotta pick a school that’s organized. Please for the love of everything holy. This is your future, so take the time to investigate how organized the school is. I got a scholarship to the college I went to so I foolishly took it without even looking anywhere else. It was close to home and partially paid for but oh my god Nonny....it was extremely disorganized! We were being tossed into clinical settings without even getting a proper lecture about the place beforehand. I remember getting sent to a psych unit without being taught anything beforehand and the first patient I encountered immediately went off about demons. You can imagine how unprepared I was. Also they expected students to find their preceptorship placements, which is something that the school should have been responsible for! I highly suggest you choose a school that’s organized. It’s not about the name, it’s about how well they run the program.

***It’s okay to take time. I finished my RN. BSN degree in five years instead of four. And that’s okay! I literally cried when I had to take a semester off cause I couldn’t finish my preceptorship hours in time for the next semester. I’m telling you Nonny, I was completely crushed and furious. The only reason I didn’t get those hours in on time was due to the school’s disorganization (there it is again), since they couldn’t find placement for me and several others. It ended up being a blessing in disguise though. After I finished my preceptorship hours it was still early into the next semester, effectively giving me a huge break and plenty of downtime. I used the downtime to work, learn a new instrument, and just destress. I also asked my classmates for the syllabus to the class, giving me a head start. By the time I finally did the next semester it was a breeze since I did a lot of the papers ahead of time. Which leads to the next advice.

***Ask students a semester ahead of you for advice. Ask them how the professors are and what to expect, and any tips on how to survive. I also asked them for the syllabus so I could get ahead. If you become good friends with them, try asking for their notes and textbooks! It saves tons of money and usually people write notes on those books. You can also ask people who graduated from the same program if they can lend you uniforms. You’ll save soooo much money dearest Nonny.

***The clinical days will feel super long. It’s usually 12 hours on your feet Nonny, and rightly so since that’s the length of time a shift will be. Get good shoes. Take care of your feet. If your school insists on certain shoes like mine did, get them ahead of time and break them in. Don’t be like me thinking it would be okay to wear them for the first time during a 12hour shift. Don’t be a human blister.

***This is gonna be a group effort. Your classmates are gonna be your family for the next few years. Surround yourself with people that will support and help you. Don’t go for people who are gonna free load! Please don’t make that mistake. I did and ended up doing a ton of the work. It was frustrating. Find yourself a group of friends that you can trust and you can share work with. It’s gonna be a reflection of actual nursing tbh, so practice choosing your circle wisely.

***In terms of studying, everyone has a different style. With that said, your style may very well change during nursing school. You can’t just info dump for a passing grade. Nursing school isn’t just about raw facts. It’s about taking those facts and applying it. There’s gonna be a question and all the possible answers are correct...but which is the best? That’s what nursing school is gonna be like. Lots of critical thinking and constant learning. I highly suggest practicing lots and lots and LOTS of study questions. Practice NCLEX questions dear Nonny, so get used to them. Nursing school exams are basically prep for the real NCLEX, at least with my experience. So practice NCLEX style questions!

***You’re gonna meet some very bad nurses. It’s really awful to say, but there are some bad ones out there. I’ve had them as preceptors, teachers, and coworkers. It’s a small percentage but it’s enough to ruin the experience. However....don’t let them get you down Nonny! Learn from people who want to teach you! Nurses eat their young and it sucks. But there’s also lots of nurses who nurture newer ones and take them under their wing ^^ It’s all about the individual really. So learn from people who truly want to teach and help you succeed. Believe me, nurses who really know their shit are happy to share it! Part of the growing process of becoming a good nurse is to also learn from the bad. Take it as an opportunity Nonny.

*** You’re gonna cry and that’s okay! I have a much thicker skin now than before nursing school, and it helped me in the long run! A huge part of the work is patient advocacy, which requires you to speak up on behalf of others. For me, I had to learn to speak up for myself before I could effectively do that of my patients. It’s a painful process especially if you deal with anxiety, but it shapes you in the long run. I used to cry extremely easily over something mean a doctor would say. Nowadays I can either ignore it, or tell them to clarify without it destroying my mental health. With that said, everyone’s experience is different but frustration and tears seem to a common thread. I’m not saying this so discourage you Nonny, but to prepare you. Trust me, if a nervous wreck like me got through it, you can as well!

These are just the things that came to mind Nonny. If there’s anything in particular I can help you with, I’d be happy to!

[lavender-hemlock]

Aw.. Shit, here we go again. (Questions below the cut because I’m not an asshole like the below.) 

@kazexvoss

Get To Know Me Uncomfortably Well

1. What is you middle name?

Marie

2. How old are you?

23

3. When is your birthday?

October 7th

4. What is your zodiac sign?

Libra

5. What is your favorite color?

Burgundy

6. What’s your lucky number?

7

7. Do you have any pets?

One dog

8. Where are you from?

The US-Tragedy-A

9. How tall are you?

Hahaha.. 5′.  10. What shoe size are you?

Size 6

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?

Probably over ten.. and more than half are boots. 

12. What was your last dream about? Asked by breaking-from-grace

13. What talents do you have?

I guess I have a talent for my empathy, art, and writing? Not sure what merits as a talent without being overzealous. 

14. Are you psychic in any way?

I’ve been called a witch because of intuition for emotions of others? Or being scary close to presuming things. 

Sadly can’t bend any spoons, stay tuned. 

15. Favorite song?

Toooo many. Music is too vast to pick just one, but I’ve been listening to Day Dreaming - Jack & Jack a lot lately. 

16. Favorite movie?

Probably the Phantom of the Opera version with Gerard Butler. 

17. Who would be your ideal partner?

Someone who is capable of respecting the flow of my energy. When I need space, when I’m all for being close. It isn’t that I’m picky or moody, but I know what I need and also don’t need them being worried when I’m just being quiet and reading a book. It’s just a mutual respect and understanding. 

Ya feel? 

18. Do you want children?

Yeah. Which is weird to think about. I’m not in any rush. 

19. Do you want a church wedding?

I think it is right for me to pursue it, but kinda no. I want a venue probably really low key done up in lights, curtains, and simplicity that doesn’t need a huge budget. Its about the bond, right? 

20. Are you religious?

Yep, I am a christian. 

21. Have you ever been to the hospital?

I have! I had a piggy bank get knocked on top of my head when I was little and my mom rushed me to the hospital. I think that was the first time I saw stars. Only time though!

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?

Yeeeeap. 

23. Have you ever met any celebrities?

Yes! I’ve been fortunate to meet a few bands and also see the cast of Fast and the Furious. I got to go on set for the 5th movie! I was lucky. 

24. Baths or showers?

Showers. 

25. What color socks are you wearing?

Black. I hate this question. I’m looking at only one person rn. 

26. Have you ever been famous?

Kinda? Yet I think famous in this way is very subjective? I had my old (and first) RP community for like eleven years. Its not fun when everyone knows your name, I’ll tell you that. You get put on a pedestal or get called terrible things if you don’t respond. It was a whack time. I don’t miss it. I was just famous for the designs I would put for the community and being like a “veteran” member with tons of “powers” (community bling). Blegh. 

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?

Nope. I admire those that do great things and gain that attention for the work they have put in, but its a double sword. Everyone knows your business and looks at you. Seems like a ant under a magnifying glass analogy.  

28. What type of music do you like?

I like a lot of pop/alternative. I listen to generally everything except some heavy techno/bass stuff isn’t really for me. 

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?

Nope, don’t plan to. What if a snake bit my ass? How do I explain that to a doctor. 

30. How many pillows do you sleep with?

3!

31. What position do you usually sleep in?

I have to pick one!?

32. How big is your house?

It’s modest. 

33. What do you typically have for breakfast? Asked by Caewen!

34. Have you ever fired a gun?

Yes! I have been trained to use one strictly for defense over the home. What a sad world. 

35. Have you ever tried archery?

No, but I wish!

36. Favorite clean word?

Cleaaaan? 

37. Favorite swear word?

Fuck. 

38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?

Hahahaha 72 hours. I like sleep. 

39. Do you have any scars? Asked by Sangria-Fangs!

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?

Yeah! It’s.. okay. Kind of creeps me out tbh. 

41. Are you a good liar?

No. I would psych myself out. 

42. Are you a good judge of character?

Yeah. It took a lot of fuck-ups to figure that out!

43. Can you do any other accents other than your own?

Poorly. All of them. 

44. Do you have a strong accent?

No.

45. What is your favorite accent?

Gosh. British or Australian. 

46. What is your personality type?

INFJ. 

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?

Boots! 

48. Can you curl your tongue? Cries. Asked by Caewen. 

49. Are you an innie or an outie?

Innie. This is weird. 

50. Left or right handed?

Right handed!

51. Are you scared of spiders?

Don’t @ me. 

52. Favorite food?

Snow crab.

53. Favorite foreign food?

Italian. 

54. Are you a clean or messy person?

SO fresh and SO clean ~

55. Most used phrased?

”I dare everyday.” She says before she does something stupid. 

56. Most used word?

Ye. 

57. How long does it take for you to get ready?

Anywhere from 5 minutes to over 30 minutes. There is no inbetween in this. 

58. Do you have much of an ego?

Either the biggest in the room or the smallest. There is no inbetween. 

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?

BITE. 

60. Do you talk to yourself?

When I’m trying to focus really hard. 

61. Do you sing to yourself?

Only to myself, yes. In my car and forgetting there’s someone in the car next to me? yes. 

62. Are you a good singer?

I’d like to think so. 

63. Biggest Fear?

Snakes. 

64. Are you a gossip?

No, but I’ll discuss, not spread. 

65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen? Asked by Hingan-Fox!

66. Do you like long or short hair?

I like both!

67. Can you name all 50 states of America?

Unfortunately. 

68. Favorite school subject?

Literature. 

69. Extrovert or Introvert?

Kinda inbetween. Ask me on a random day, it may be one or the other. 

70. Have you ever been scuba diving?

No but it sounds cool!

71. What makes you nervous?

Confrontation. 

72. Are you scared of the dark?

Kinda. 

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?

It depends on the thing. If its not my place, I won’t. If they’re ignorant, it depends if its worth it. If they deserve it- passionately. 

74. Are you ticklish?

I will stab you. 

75. Have you ever started a rumor?

Nope

76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?

Yep!

77. Have you ever drank underage?

Yeeeap. 

78. Have you ever done drugs?

Mary Jane. 

79. Who was your first real crush?

A boy in kindergarten who drew me cards everyday and left them in my desk each morning. ; ; 

80. How many piercings do you have?

None! Needles and I do not work out. 

81. Can you roll your Rs? 

I can’t even curl my tongue and now I get this question. 

82. How fast can you type?

90 WPM average. 

83. How fast can you run?

Fast as fuck boi. I’m just memeing now, aren’t I? Just trying to get through this. I don’t think anyone will get this far. 

84. What color is your hair?

Dark brown!

85. What color is your eyes?

Green-blueishhhh. Depends on the day/lighting. 

86. What are you allergic to?

Wax and bees. 

87. Do you keep a journal?

I used to until someone read it lol. 

88. What do your parents do?

Work? 

89. Do you like your age?

I kinda have to? 

90. What makes you angry? Asked by Caewen! Oo boy. 

91. Do you like your own name?

Yeah, I’d say its just fine. It’s mine.

92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?

Jace and Claire. 

93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child?

Happy with either.

94. What are you strengths?

Empathy, understanding.

95. What are your weaknesses?

Patience (depends), Failure. 

96. How did you get your name?

They said they just shouted it out until they figured they could say it everyday for the rest of my life and not get tired of it- and the meaning is pretty. 

97. Were your ancestors royalty?

I don’t think so. Never looked into it. 

98. Do you have any scars? Asked by Sangria-Fangs!

99. Color of your bedspread?

White.

100. Color of your room?

White, greys. I like snow and furs and lights. 

Now, after all that- I am clearly no bitch @kazexvoss. Do yours. 

[cantbehandled-ever]

thanks @satans-helper for tagging me in this get to know me tag! i’ve never done one this long, so here’s a bunch of info that no one wanted to know about me lmao

1. What’s your middle name?

- Lynn, which i hateee

2. how old are you?

- 19

3. when is your birthday?

- november 17th

4. what is your zodiac sign?

- scorpio sun, libra rising, pisces moon. i have two fucking water signs which explains why i’m so emotional

5. what’s your favorite shade of green?

- forest/emerald green

6. what’s your lucky number?

- 8

7. do you have any pets?

- yes! i have three dogs and i’d die for them

8. where are you from?

- originally chicago, but now i live in orlando

9. how tall are you?

- 5’9

10. what shoe size are you?

- 10 in women’s, 8.5 in men’s

11. how many pairs of shoes do you own?

- 10

12. what was your last dream about?

- i dreamt that i ran off to live in a cave and raised goldfish as my past time, so i’m really jealous that i didn’t actually do that

13. what talents do you have?

- i can bs my way through stuff, because if i really need to, i can come off as decently eloquent. also i can sing kinda well, nothing amazing

14. are you psychic in any way?

- i’ve had dreams that ended up happening exactly like i dreamed them

15. favorite song?

- i could not tell you, but lately i’ve been listening to Second Hand News by Fleetwood Mac several times a day

16. Favorite movie?

- the sixth sense (i just really like m. night shyamalan movies)

17. who would be our ideal partner?

- someone with a great sense of humor and i’m pretty anxious, so someone who is good at keeping calm

18. do you want children?

- nope lmao, but i do want to be an aunt. i like kids, but like only when i can give them back to their parents when i get tired of them lol

19. do you want a church wedding?

- not really, if i did end up having one, it would be bc the building was beautiful it would have nothing to do with it being a church

20. are you religious?

- no, long and sad history with religion. i do consider myself to be pretty spiritual and learning more about stuff like that is really interesting to me

21. have you ever been to a hospital?

- yep, last year over spring break i had to get my gallbladder removed:)))))))) my surgeon took pics of my gallbladder though and it’s super sick and gross looking so at least i have that

22. have you ever gotten into trouble with the law?

- nope

23. have you ever met any celebrities?

- i met andy mientus, but he’s not like a huge celebrity

24. baths or showers?

- showers, baths are gross

25. what color socks are you wearing?

- white and purple

26. have you ever been famous?

- not really, but when i was in fifth grade i submitted a poem i wrote to a publishing company and they put it into a book, so my elementary school made a big deal out of it, so i was like a local celebrity amongst ten year olds for a week lol

27. would you like to be a big celebrity?

- only if it was for music, because that’s the only way i could see myself being happy with it. however, i’d much rather just have my own niche audience and be super personal with them, but still make enough money that i could afford to have that be my only career

28. what type of music do you like?

- mainly rock and funkier music, but i can pretty much listen to anything

29. have you ever been skinny dipping?

- no, because i hate my body lol

30. how many pillows do you sleep with?

- 4

31. what position do you usually sleep in?

- i’m a stomach sleeper

32. how big is your house?

- i live in a tiny apartment

33. what do you typically have for breakfast?

- usually just coffee, but sometimes i’ll have a breakfast bar

34. have you ever fired a gun?

- yes and i hated it, it’s way too scary to hold something like that

35. have you ever tried archery?

- yeah! we had it as a unit in my middle school gym class and i wasn’t super horrible at it!

36. favorite clean word?

- indubitably

37. favorite swear word?

- it’s more of a statement but i say “fuck off” all the time

38. what’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?

- 29 when i was studying for finals last year

39. do you have any scars?

- several

40. have you ever had a secret admirer?

- yeah when i was seven

41. are you a good liar?

- when i need to be

42. are you a good judge of character?

- no i try to let everyone prove themselves, but mainly just makes me feel dumb when they screw me over

43. can you do any other accents other than your own?

- i don’t really have a midwestern accent anymore, but i can do one to make fun of my family members

44. do you have a strong accent?

- no

45. what’s your favorite accents?

- south african

46. what’s your personality type?

- advocate

47. what’s your most expensive piece of clothing?

- my doc martens were like $135 and i treat them like babies

48. can you curl your tongue?

- yep

49. are you an innie or an outie?

- bellybutton??? an innie but that’s super weird

50. left or right handed?

- right handed

51. are you scared of spiders?

- oh absolutely

52. favorite food?

- sushi

53. favorite foreign food?

- sushi or mexican food

54. are you a clean or messy person?

- both, i keep my room super messy, but any area of the apartment that i share with other people i keep spotless

55. most used phrase?

- “oh absolutely”

56. most used word?

- fuck

57. how long does it take you to get ready?

- roughly about an hour and 15 minutes

58. do you have much of an ego?

- depends, but in general i wouldn’t say so

59. do you suck or bite lollipops?

- suck

60. do you talk to yourself?

- who doesn’t?????

61. do you sing to yourself?

- all the time

62. are you good singer?

- i’m fine, nothing impressive

63. biggest fear?

- being kidnapped and also i’m really afraid of strange men, i can’t bring myself to trust both of them

64. are you a gossip?

- to my roommates

65. best dramatic movie you’ve ever seen?

- i really don’t know, i don’t watch a ton of dramas, mainly comedy

66. do you like long or short hair?

- on girls i like both, on guys i prefer long

67. can you name all 50 states in america?

- yeah if you gave me a few minutes

68. favorite school subject?

- biology

69. extrovert or introvert?

- introvert

70. have you ever been scuba diving?

- nope

71. what makes you nervous?

- i have anxiety :)))) so everything

72. are you scared of the dark?

- only if i’m in a strange place

73. do you correct people when they make mistakes?

- depends on my relationship with them

74. are you ticklish?

- holy shit yeah

75. have you ever started a rumor?

- nope

76. have you ever been in a position of authority?

- not one that mattered

77. have you drank underage?

- yes, i literally have more alcohol than food in my fridge rn

78. have you ever done drugs?

- yep, like three days ago

79. who was your first real crush?

- a kid named conner when i was in sixth grade

80. how many piercings do you have?

- four

81. can you roll your r’s?

- nope

82. how fast can you type?

- moderately fast

83. how fast can you run?

- not fast at all

84. what color is your hair?

- auburn

85. what color are your eyes?

- brown

86. what are you allergic to?

- shellfish

87. do you keep a journal?

- nope but i have a finsta which i use for the same reason

88. what do your parents do?

- my mom is a nurse and my dad used to be a firefighter

89. do you like your age?

- i mean i don’t like how close i am to being a real adult, but it’s fine

90. what makes you angry?

- lots of stuff

91. do you like your name?

- nope, i think it’s stupid

92. have you already thought of baby names, and if so, what are they?

- nope, no children thanks

93. do you want a boy or a girl child?

- neither

94. what are your strengths?

- i’m a good problem solver and i have a good work ethic

95.what are your weaknesses?

- i am physically weak and wayyyyy too emotional

96. how did you get your name?

- my mom watched steel magnolias in college and decided she was going to name her first daughter shelby

97. were your ancestors royalty?

- i doubt it, but on the off chance, pls send money i’m broke :))))))

98. do you have any scars?

- yes

99. color of your bedspread?

- white

100. color of your room?

- yellow

im tagging: @blackbluemichael @flowrxchild @rosecolouredash @calumsdemons @ghostofcth @what-now-lucas

[atobeinspace]

Rules: Answer 30 questions and tag 10 blogs!

I got tagged by: @momomirasaki124​ THANK YOU I LOVE THESE

Nicknames: Crevette (means shrimp in le french), Kokobro

Gender/pronouns: She/her ayyyyy

Star sign: I’M A CANCER CRYBABY

Height: 5’ 4″ average

Time: 5:00 pm

Birthday: July 12th! 

Favorite bands: K I S H I D A N  I also like Golden Bomber, Morning Musume, Momoiro Clover (Z), Yuzu, Norazo, AXS and some others but Kishidan have been my favorites for like 10 years hahaha

Favorite solo artist: T.M.Revolution and Kimeru!

Song stuck in your head: THIS FUCKING HORRIBLE CAP2BIN NEW YEAR’S SONG I’VE BEEN HEARING MOMO’S “OKKHEYYY” IN MY HEAD FOR DAYS NOW SAVE ME

Last movie you watched?: Errr I don’t really watch movies… Last one that I watched in its entirety was Moana back in september I think?

Last show?: MORNING MUSUME IN NY IN 2014 AND IT WAS AMAZING

Why did you create your blog?  I felt bad for drowning my mutuals in Tenipuri stuff on my main blog, so here I am haha

What do you post?: TENIPURI I mean that’s my Tenipuri sideblog so

Last thing you googled?: “poodle skirt” because I wanted to know if people actually wore that exact skirt in the 50′s and yes they did 

Other blogs: 

Main - @headphonesandbackpack​

Aesthetics + vegan + witchy + embroidery - @vegan-cross-stitcher

Art blog - @crevettolart

Japanese music blog - @dailyjapanesemusic

And somehow while searching for my art blog I found my very first tumblr made back in 2007 when tumblr opened???? There you go hahaha @crevettola-blog-blog

AO3: SpaghettiPepito but I don’t post shit on it. If you can read french and want really crunchy stuff, go check my ffnet (Equa) instead, I wrote Tenipuri fairytales in my teens

Do you get asks?: I HAVE ONI ANON WHO IS A BEAUTIFUL PERSON I just remembered that I forgot to make the edit for your birthday I am SO sorry ;A;

How did you get the idea for your URL?: I made this shitty edit of Miura in space and there you go hahaha I follow: Tenipuri blogs, aesthetic/nature blogs, my irl friends, jjba blogs, ddlc blogs, coolio artists, etc Followers: 64 I can’t thank you guys enough this blog has been alive for like 2/3 months and I can’t believe you enjoy my shitty content I love you so much Average hours of sleep: I always try to get 6 at the very minimum, so my average is about 7 Lucky number: 12 and 8! Instrument: My dad made me play violin when I was a child but I really sucked at it, I have no coordination and I can’t follow rythm for shit woops What are you wearing?: Cool cool and comfy pajamas yayy Dream job: Working with art I guess?? I mean that’s what I’m studying rn haha Dream trip: I am a weeb shit give me anything Japan and I go. Really tho I’d really love to go back wwoofing in Japan that was really 3 incredible weeks, they felt like a dream. It has changed me. Favorite food:  Probably pizza with a TON of mushrooms Significant other?: MY BF IS A 5′2″ 30 YEARS OLD MAN HOW AMAZING IS THAT??? We’ve been together for 8 years we’re old shits. Also not my S/O BUT my dear Kokobro deserves a shoutout I mean she’s been putting up with my shit for 12 years now I love u @drifloonlady <3 <3  Last book I read: I’ve been trying to get through The Fellowship of the Ring but I stopped because of school and haven’t got back to it woops. I’ve enjoyed it so far though! Top 3 fictional universes: BARTIMAEUS TRILOGY, Harry Potter, Undertale Tagging @tenipuri-everything, @drifloonlady, @allthekokeshis, @chloe-noir, @mofochika!!!!

[starrysamu]

I was avoid drawing anatomy like a fire, to the time when my art teacher gave me a it as an actual topic to draw and said "now you're doing this" and I was like 🤡 "well I guess I do" and somehow, when possibility to say that i can't do it, or do not drawing at all weren't an options the only thing that left for me the was to actually start drawing and sort of went on from there, really - 🐙 (1/?)

+ I think to kill a mockbird might be one of my favorite books, one of the things I really love about it is how despite dealing with heavy and important topics it's written in the way you can see the author having lots of talent and knack for the written word, while you read this you can actually focus on the topics she wants to highlight and not on the getting from page to page if  that makes sense haha 

+ i also love space! space and astronomy books are always so interesting, i can't help but to be in awe at the world surrounding us, so close yet so unknown and distant at the same time and the amount of things we are yet to know is terrifying and exciting, also I love reading scientific theories linked with space but unfortunately im not the best in physic, so i actually read a lot of school textbooks so that i can understand it a little better

+ omg i'm so sorry you have to go through migraines as well :( i don't know how it is with you but at this point i actually feel symptoms of the impending migraine and try to act before it hits full force, taking pain killers, sitting in the dark and trying to get some sleep through it, if i cant prevent i usually have one position when i lie down with head between my legs which makes pain a little less intense, i also use acupressure and massages, and try to stay hydrated

+ it's really nice to hear that my adoration for our talk is reciprocated haha 🤧💞 I hope you're taking care and staying safe as well❤️ also I really went there with the essey mode huh? I'm so sorry you have to go through it 🤧 

please please please ur so cute oh my god u really responded to everything ): please i wanna cryyyyyyyyyyyYYY you’re too cute 

what’s your favorite like ... anatomical structure to draw!! i know you said you were working on eyes, but are you working on anything else specifically? 

and yes, that makes sense!! we were required to read it in school, but i think i wasn’t really mature enough to grasp it. also i hated all of the required readings back then kfdsnjf ngl so i’m trying to go back and hit all the classics to better grasp the topics tbh :/ do you have any other books you’re reading or that you really like? 

i just LOVE space. one of my favorite movies in interstellar ... that made a bitch cry FR. i might rewatch it soon. what i really like about space is learning about black holes and parallel universes and the many dimensions we have ... it is so fascinating to think about the possibility of me in another timeline. maybe she’s havin the time of her life rn !!!! i also suck a ton at physics though, i am more of a bio person 

oh tea? i might try putting my head between my legs i’ve never tried it ... usually i just take some painkillers and sit in the dark, maybe sleep it off ): i’m sorry you have to go through them too ughghufbhj they’re so annoying to deal with ughghufd 

and yes omg ur the absolute cutest pls thank u so much for always being willing to talk to me and i gave u an essay in return i hope u donut mind )): i hope ur taking some time for urself and relaxing ): love u lil bean 

[1d1195]

I’m SO ready to read what you have in store for both Honey and the academic rivals!! I just know that it will be SO GOOD! And you’re so real for loving the jealousy aspect lol I LOVE reading about it but irl I will literally GAG and not in a good way HAHA

I’m sorry you’re not feeling too well rn :( it’s suck so much to constantly feel like that and it’s even worse when it amplified with one’s cycle! It’s hell for so many reasons! I’m so sorry you’re going through it :( I hope that you’re able to feel a bit better and have been able to do things that make you smile!!!

You’re so kind for even remembering!My midterms went pretty well actually! I did better than I expected which is crazy considering I haven’t been all there lol my weekend has also been a bit busy but I’m a nice way! Went out for a birthday thing for a friend so my social battery has been running a bit low but I enjoyed it which is fine! How was yours?! Hope you got in some rest after a busy week! You are always deserving of it!

Btw idk exactly when you start the new school year but IM WISHING YOU THE BEST OF LUCK WITH IT!! I have no doubt that your teaching abilities are just amazing and I know you’ll be able to have a great year! Remember that you’re doing your best and that is always enough, please take care of yourself!

The Jump tie back idea was NOT STUPID!! Bestie it was my fave moment in the last part! It just proved how even when they weren’t in each others lives they are so intertwined that even the universe was trying to make them come back to each other/not forgot their bond!! While this isn’t a soulmate au, THIS IS VERY SOULMATE CODED AND IDGAF IT WAS SO CUTE AND PERFECT FOR THEM!!! Such a lovely story and you never miss!!

OMG ITS ALREADY BEEN A YEAR😭😭😭OUR ANNIVERSARY 😭😭😭 WDYM ITS BEEN A YEAR?! It feels like a lot of time has passed yet at the same time it doesn’t feel that long?? Idk lol i seriously should be thanking YOU! You’re so kind to everyone on here and you create such wonderful stories that you share with us! And thank you for being so easy and fun to talk to. It doesn’t matter whether you’re telling me simple things or opening a bit of your heart, it’s always so lovely getting to talk you! You have no idea how insanely wonderful you are, thank you for being such an amazing person and pen pal! Love you lots!!!💗💗-💜

I had like two other stories outlined but I think they're going to go on the back burner from now. There's enough of an outline that they can wait really till whenever. I am excited about them though! I think Honey will be really adorable overall (even if I'm writing some pretty mean parts right now). Academic rivals I think won't be a ton of parts and I think it will kind of jump into the middle of their story, but I think that will be really grumpy/sunshine of them 🤭

It's okay, really. I guess it's "nice" I'm consistent. I can pretty much time when I'm going to feel kinda low. I think I hide it pretty well--not sure that's a good thing but it is what it is. I've got to do a lot of grocery shopping and meal prep today which I'm kinda dreading. Just want to keep writing 😭

I'm not surprised you did well! Based on how you study and worry about your classes I assume you're an amazing student. Like probably top of your class? We vibe like that and I always felt the same way. It takes a lot of hard work and sacrifice--but I'm glad you had a good weekend! Even if your social battery was drained.

My weekend was fine. Went for a few walks and just been writing my little heart out. I did get to rest. I wish I had read more this summer but that's okay. Hopefully I can use all the books I didn't read as a reminder to myself to take time during the school year to do something I like and need to do for me.

You're very sweet, I'm definitely going to try and find more balance--I did a pretty good job last year but some months get crazy. May/June is usually craziest (obvi) but that's a while from now so I'm not going to worry about it much until then.

AHHHH! That's so sweet. I'm glad it didn't come off stupid. I really felt conflicted by how lame it might have sounded. I think it helped that I never mentioned Harry knowing about it until that moment. 🤭

You're going to make me cry 😭 I'm really glad I came back to tumblr. Even if it's a little crazy now and things are different, I think about how I was feeling between 2018-2022 and how different I feel now. It is really nice to have a place where I can vent and chat even if it's a bit anonymously. I feel like you guys know me a lot better than a lot of my friends. But yeah. I love you SO MUCH! 💕 Thank you for being a part of my blog 💕

xoxo

[doctormelapples]

call me multi colored leaves bc I want every bit of autumn

I’m sorry its so long and unnecessary. thanks for asking!!

 autumnal asks

lantern

- how did you meet your best friend? What were your first impressions of each other?

So, the first time I met my best friend, I was at a new school in seventh grade, and she was the super cool eighth grader that I was doing drama with and I was a lil scared of. I can picture it like it was yesterday, but idek if she remembers it. The first time the two of us could reasonably say we were good friends was probably when I was in,,,, sophomore, junior,,(?) year. There was a lil bit of drama, as usual, and I ended up going to a family wedding with her. That was the first time we were close, even though we had been in the same general group of friends before that. @thumper-darling YO mistakes? what was ur first impression of me?

frost - if you could give some advice to your younger self, what would you say?

I’d say,, “do your damn homework, your gpa can’t live through two years of this.” I’d say, “join theater sooner,” I’d say, “you have things to say, say them, no matter the looks you get, they don’t matter.” “Join the GSA in high school before it disbands after the only person who could keep it going about it graduates”

maple - is there a hobby / skill that you’ve always wanted to try but never did?

Actually, I’ve always wanted to sing well, there was a time when I almost took lessons but I was to nervous and couldn’t go through with it. I regret it now.

harvest - what fictional character do you most identify with? Why?

uuuuuuhm, idk. Maybe Hermione. I do distinctly remember relating to a character from a book, but I can’t really remember the book, or the character. Perhaps, Lennie from The Sky is Everywhere, Perhaps, Craig from It’s Kind of A Funny Story, highkey the book i haven’t seen the movie. None of them really cuz they’re like me, more like cuz we been through almost kinda similar stuff. I don’t read about *me* much.

fireside - if you had your dream wardrobe, what would it look like?

idk if this means like the wardrobe itself or what’s in it, but prepare for a long unnecessary explanation. I’ve actually been working on eliminating and reordering things from my closet, so I’ve thought about this. First things first, For Sure I’d have my black, white, pink, and red skater skirts. Black skinnies w rips at the knees and ankles, big baggy light jeans w holes everywhere, light skinnies, and pale pink/maroon capris. I’d have my oversized red white and black stripped sweater, green jacket, black and grey sweatshirt, jean jacket, green, mustard, white, and grey sweaters. TOnS of crop tops, my white one that says empower women, the one with ice cream on it, the camo one that I thought i would have hated,,,etc,, some t-shirts, especially the one that says salty, and my play shirts and crewnecks. basically any converse that I could ever want, my trusty doc martens, maybe a pair of combat boots, and more?? like a key to every department store in the world? cuz I’m selfish asf??

cider - a food that you disliked as a child but now enjoy?

lmao,, pineapple pizza, ,, fuk u

amber - share an unpopular opinion that you may have.

um, people have the right to be happy within themselves? People that are not white have the right to want to love? Pineapple on pizza is Damn good? EDIT: cuz this binch wanted controversial: I think that people listing pansexuality and bisexuality together is violently disrespectful, let alone calling them similar or the same. I think not a single white person will ever be able to understand or even come close to empathizing a little bit with what it means to be a poc, I have an immediate reaction that black is better, and I am always, always prejudiced in POC’s favor, no matter when or what. (controversial enough @mybisexualagenda?? lmao luv u)

fog - how well do you think you’d do in a zombie apocalypse scenario?

Listen I would Die immediately. rip me, I’m a zombie now. actually more likely I’d kill myself so I wouldn’t have to be killed by the zombs

jack-o-lantern - if you could look like any celebrity, who would you choose?

wow,,, Zendaya, Rihanna, HACK JK NOPE ISSA RAE ALSO KNOWN AS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL EVER

spice - have you ever encountered a house that you believed to be haunted?

listen, if you’ve ever been to that old aunts house, that one that you never visit or see at holidays, and like stay the night once, you’ll understand

orchard - share one thing that you’d like to happen this autumn.

Happiness. Meet new people that I love, though that one has pretty much happened already, Meet more people, have coffee, become closer to everyone. find myself, you know the reg

crow - which school subject do you wish you had an aptitude for?

Funnily enough, I actually Love math. I’m not very good at it, but I definitely love doing math, and I think it’s fun.

bonfire - describe your dream house.

I have two, either: a small cottage like thing surrounded by the woods and flowers and a path through the trees to a lake or a pond or the ocean where I can swim and relax and read and listen to the water with family or someone I love. the other: a studio apartment or a one bedroom, in New York that I may or may not share with my best friend because we have no money, a mattress a blanket, a teeny kitchen and friends over all the time. This one is more about the friends than the house, but someone would always be over, out of a big group of friends, sleeping over, staying to study, staying to hang, being in each others presence, etc.

cinnamon - if you had to live in a time period different than the present, which would you choose and where?

let me catapult myself to a time where Drumpf isn’t in the white house. I’d want to live in Ancient Egypt maybe, or Ancient Greece, but egypt sounds better

cobweb - (if you’ve graduated) do you miss high school?

NO

cranberry - what’s one physical feature that you get complimented on?

My hair. and that’s like it tbh

maize - share the weirdest encounter you’ve had with a stranger on the street.

um, that time somebody came up and stroked their hands through my hair super randomly. I don’t let Anybody touch my hair, there’s a list of 5 people who can touch my hair with permission. I almost kilt a binch right then and there.

quilt - how do you take your tea (or coffee)?

Tea, maybe a bit of honey, very strong, and coffee, basically not coffee anymore like a sugary coffee drink, but I do enjoy a caffe mocha from time to time.

pumpkin - do you think that humans are inherently good or bad?

Neither, I think that people learn badly and don’t control their fear. which leads to bad. which brings out good.

moonlit - are you a neat or messy person? Is your room / house orderly?

YEET no. I’m messy. I think better in messy, though I do like it when my room is clean, it’s always a damn mess.

flannel - have you ever gone on a bad date?

I have been on like maximum three dates. So like no. But, two were distinctly better than the one, so that one must have sucked. FUnnY story, I actually saw the person I had the less good date with on one of the good ones, so That was fun.

cocoa - if you could have any type of hair, what colour and cut would you have?

Blonde dark roots and PINK damn i’m always so close to having it but never getting there. I do have a purple hair dye sitting in my room rn, maybe I’ll go crazy.

ghost - is there someone that you miss having in your life?

Always.

[movienotesbyzawmer]

Star Wars: The Last Jedi

December 18: Star Wars: The Last Jedi

(previous notes: Star Wars: The Force Awakens)

Source: UK 3D Blu-ray (this was much easier to come by than a US release, for some reason)

This movie is only 2 years old, a relative infant babe in arms. And I unambiguously loved it when it came out, both times I saw it in theaters and again when it was first released on video. But there have been dark whispers, haven't there. Snobs and haters started flooding the information superhighway with poorly supported condemnation of this perfectly entertaining sequel. Was I wrong? Was I missing some smear of shit on the screen that everyone else could see? Or is Putin up to his old tricks? Excuse me while I pop on my rose-colored 3D glasses and jot down some fresh observations.

Cool first shot, zipping through a bunch of ships that's like some kind of convoy.

Then a bad guy ship shows up and whoa is it neat in 3D.

This first exchange between Poe and Hux is funnier than anything in the prequel trilogy, my goodness was that a refreshing way to start this movie! Love it!

BB8 thunking down into the guts of the X-wing! That's the right kind of gadgety roboty attitude for a Star Wars movie, I tell you.

Bombers, there are bombers. How do bombers work in space? I ask like I'm complaining, but I'm not. I'm sure there's a Lucas-y explanation. And yes I know that Lucas isn't doing this movie, of course I know that, it's like you don't even know me.

Jeez, those bombers are getting totally wasted. Probably because they're full of bombs. BOMBS, see.

This tense scene where the bomber pilot has to kick down the remote control from a precipice, this is great suspense. The pilot sacrifices herself. The first 12 minutes of this movie have a hell of a lot going for it. But also, the look of it is different from all of the others. Stark closeups for instance. Nothing wrong with it, but feels like it's very committed to this director's personal stylistic preferences.

Now we're on Hidden Skywalker Island to find out how this plot thickens. It's a cool contrast from the space battle. And it's got Rey. And Porgs!

0:16:40 - Snoke's proper throne room. With Actual Snoke because it turned out the other one from the last movie was pretend-like. This throne room was put together by a visionary interior designer who really likes red.

Luke drinks some green milk from a plump creature who looks at Rey like she's saying "have some, it's pretty good, seriously you gotta try it, it comes from my nipples".

The scene with Rey and Luke in the book cave, it's good, I think. It's ever so slightly witty, but it makes sense as a way to get past the stubborn impasse the two were in before.

Kylo hesitated to blow up his mom because he's not too happy with his Dark Side family rn. But she's blowed up anyway and it's a pretty visceral image when that happens. Fortunately she is kind of Jesus so it's fine, she's fine, we're all fine here now thank you, how are you?

Hah, the Porgs are shaming Chewy into not eating a dead Porg! Porgs are way less in-your-face in this movie than Ewoks are in that other movie.

Enter Laura Dern! Conveys intelligence and confidence. I bet internet dicks hated her for no good reason. Other than that they are working in a non-descript office building in central Russia. Anyway, her friction with Poe is cool because she's being rational and it's just hard to argue against her points.

0:39:00 - Enter Kelly Marie Tran! Rose! Of course Sergei and Boris are social media bullies about this character. But even though she's coming into this story a little late, she's already gotten some solid character development.

So this is something I'm only realizing because I just watched Empire Strikes Back, but the two movies have similar structures in addition to being middle-of-the-trilogy movies. They both go back and forth between two subplots; one about a Jedi training a rookie on a planet, the other about just the good guys desperately trying to outrun a dauntingly large space fleet of bad guys.

Hah, Porgs getting pesky in the Millennium Falcon, I'd forgotten that.

Not so much with the wipes between scenes in this one but that one at 53:55 was neat.

And now we're in an actual casino! It's the Star Wars universe's version of Monaco. Lots of fun creatures and robots, but shot with a very flashy style that seems more obtrusive than how Lucas just peeks around in the Cantina.

The Master Codebreaker is literally Errol Flynn circa 1925.

1:00:50 - The first flashback of The Luke/Ben Incident. Kinda Rashomon-esque.

Benicio Del Toro. I love the guy, but there is often a sense in his movies that he had a very persuasive conversation with the director to let him do odd quirks with how he talks, and the director just grimaced and hoped it would turn out okay.

They break out of the stables with the racing animals, and stampede their way through the casino, satisfying!

But also, this whole Monaco planet is so like Monaco, so specifically, that it's not very galaxy-far-far-away.

First time we see Luke in the Rashomon flashback with the 'bout-to-kill-Ben look, that is a mighty fine facial expression from Mark Hamill.

1:14:35 - We're at the highly abstract Nightmare Cave sequence. This is a little indulgent, I bet Lucas did not like. He probably didn't like the equivalent sequence in The Force Awakens, but for what it's worth, I super like that one.

Rey and Kylo having a connection, I think we're not supposed to like it, and maybe that's the point? I'm okay with that. As long as it doesn't turn out that they are twin siblings separated at birth and gee what a shocking twist that would be <eye roll>.

I bet it took some discipline to have the Finn/Poe/Rose subplot be relatively simple.

1:29:00 - Weird little coffin craft Rey gets in to go to Kylo's ship. Oh, and the shot of coming out of lightspeed facing the bottom of the Destroyers! Cool!

1:30:55 - Hah! You thought they'd forgotten how to be funny, but then they do that clothes-iron gag. I like it. Reminds me of the coat hanger gag in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

"I know where the nearest escape pods are" "Course you do". Hah.

Snoke telling Rey "I connected you because I knew Kylo was weak" sounds like an internet troll. Am I hung up on that? On internet trolls?

Big hanger full of troops and even flying TIE fighters inside the hanger, looks great.

Very grim situation now… the intended plan completely fell apart, and now the escape transport plan is completely screwed, and Rey is just helpless it looks like. Or is that just what it LOOKS like.

Snoke death is neat. Also neat are his guards' variable, flexible sword things. Also also neat is how the one guard gets tossed into an electro-processer and shoots out red flakes!

1:50:42 - Oh, my favorite thing, a magic battle. As Rey and Kylo try to out-Force each other to Force-get the light saber, it all comes down to who Force-gets better.

But then! Then it DOESN'T suck because they equally Force-get so hard that it just breaks, and then the neatest of all the parts of this movie, LD lightspeed-spearing the master bad guy ship! Awesome visuals and sound.

"You're a bug in the system" "Let's go chrome-dome". That's a pretty Lucas-y dialogue exchange.

As they fly away from the destruction, I love the look, how much detail there is to the wreckage.

Yeah, this final planet has those ice fox things! It feels like this Episode has slightly less zeal for "delightful new creatures", but it's not NO zeal.

Also this is the planet where the surface is salt, but under the salt surface is a mineral that is very red, for reasons of it looks cool, I guess. There's even a mechanic which can't possibly make sense, where these crafts NEED to drag on the surface just a teeny bit. But so what, I like to look at it. I'd rather look at that than look at YOU.

The underground blood crystal cave is a damn fine sight to see.

Not sure I care that much about the quick drama about Finn trying to Kamikaze the big gun and Rose stopping him. Although Rose saying "saving what we love" makes it kinda sweet and now I'm sorry I pooh-poohed it. But she gives him a little kiss, which is the only remotely romance-y thing in this new trilogy so far and do we need that? Whatever, I root for both of these characters.

We just saw the gold dice from Solo. But this movie came out before Solo, so I guess we were all like "dude what the hell is THAT". I wonder whose idea the dice was.

"Do you think that you got him". So, this reminded me when I first saw it of an early Mark Hamill movie called The Big Red One. A war drama with him and Lee Marvin, probably right around the same time as Empire. In that movie, MH shoots again and again and again at a definitely-already-dead German soldier. He just keeps shooting the corpse. Lee Marvin walks up to him as he's doing it and whispers in his ear, "I think you got him". Gotta be a deliberate reference, right? Pretty obscure one if so

Hah, Poe and Rey hadn't met yet, that wasn't obvious until now.

Okay, the final scene. It's a cool final scene, but… okay so the first time I saw it, I definitely didn't notice that the kid levitated the broom all casual-like. But I noticed it in later viewings and was like "oh, how did I miss that". Well I'LL TELL you how, because it is super freaking subtle! It's like it changes every time or something. It is FREAKING  me OUT.

But I still really like this movie. It is full of tons of great qualities, and only minor issues. It's surprisingly witty, and has a lot of non-Lucas style to it, which would be a problem if it didn't feel so genuinely inspired. So nice try, Anatoly! Go fuck yourself, Fyodor! You can turn neighbors against each other, Yuri, but you can't make me hate The Last Jedi!

(next: The Rise of Skywalker)

[smallblanketfort]

How did you get diagnosed with bpd? Did you suspect it before? How did you deal with it? Did you feel like anything changed after a diagnosis? Do you feel like people treat you differently when they know you have it? How do you deal with all the negativity around the diagnosis? ps: sorry for so many questions

it’s okay. i feel like a smart person would say, come off anon and let’s chat, but u know what, i’ll totally embarrass myself for the common good. oh man.

short answers. click keep reading for the in depth, tmi answers.

How did you get diagnosed with bpd? Did you suspect it before? short answer: self dx followed by psych. yes. kind of.

How did you deal with it?short answer: i feel like i’m still “dealing” with the diagnosis, and my stance on it changes constantly lol, but probably better in the beginning. it didn’t really change a ton for me, bc i felt like it was just a word for what i had already been experiencing. i decided not to tell anyone, so i didn’t feel like things had changed. at the same time i refused to believe it. i have tables and tables of notes in my journals, trying to convince myself in and out of it. i did know that to be healthy, i needed to acknowledge it. i tried.

Did you feel like anything changed after a diagnosis?short answer: it brought some clarity, some understanding and validation, that i think really helped me. sometimes it brought hopelessness, sometimes motivation. i mean, i was still the same person, just with a label. it started me on a road i referred to as resurfacing.

Do you feel like people treat you differently when they know you have it?short answer: depends on the person and how much they care about you as a person.

How do you deal with all the negativity around the diagnosis?short answer: i dont lol

babe i hope this helps a bit and idk. im being honest here, so idk how much comfort is here, but if you find any, good. be safe. lmk if you have other questions! happy to answer.

How did you get diagnosed with bpd? Did you suspect it before? short answer: self dx followed by psych. yes.long answer: i had a slight mental breakdown in uhhhh fall 2015-january 2016, and i work at the library which slows down in the winter. i was going a little nuts with nothing to do one day in late december/early january, so i planted myself in the mental health section and read all the requirements in dsm-iv book for mental disorders. i think i was half curious and half knew something was wrong. i had dealt with depression and anxiety in the past, but i felt mentally dizzy all the time, if that makes sense. just generally unstable and lost and worried. Not Okay. self harming and finding comfort in it. i was totally bleary going through my daily life and i felt extremely unstable in my relationships. i also was trying to work through this whole hallucination/voice in my head thing that sparked it in september(?). so i remember taking these books to the break room and taking these convoluted notes on tiny scraps of paper, trying to make sense of what was happening. i found the notes a couple weeks ago, and it was really weird, but i was so careful about it. i really didn’t want to feel like i had anything, but i was getting desperate. i would copy out the requirements and tally up what i had. i remember contemplating a couple things i knew i could diagnoses with by a doctor who didn’t care, like avoidant pd, but i realized it was definitely not the one, at all. when i read bpd, it took my breath away. i was shocked, bc it was like reading a book about myself. i remember getting goosebumps, and shaking. i spent months researching and researching it, trying to convince myself i didn’t fit the criteria. at the time i was in several psych classes, and one of my professors had us write a 15+ page paper about our own life and psych development. it was hella weird, but i ended up pouring myself into it and my psych prof, who runs his own practice was like “Lol yeah omg” and we chatted a bit and sure enough, i am most likely a bpd bug. i’m not “formally” diagnosed but i have talked to several psychologists at my universities about it and they’re all like “lmao yeeeah” so

How did you deal with it?short answer: i feel like i’m still “dealing” with the diagnosis, and my stance on it changes constantly lol, but probably better in the beginning. it didn’t really change a ton for me, bc i felt like it was just a word for what i had already been experiencing. i decided not to tell anyone, so i didn’t feel like things had changed. at the same time i refused to believe it. i have tables and tables of notes in my journals, trying to convince myself in and out of it. i did know that to be healthy, i needed to acknowledge it. i tried.long answer: idk!? like on one hand i was relieved like “okay so this is a thing with a name, now i can start attacking it. i was really good at mood tracking for about 6 months. no more lol. anyway, i still go through acceptance/denial cycles constantly. just today, i decided to watch youtube videos about it to prove to myself that i didn’t have bpd. my reaction? o shit i guess i have bpd. every couple weeks ill come across an article or video or something about it and they’ll talk about other quirks of bpd and it’s so accurate it’s scary. but kinda cool (like perceptions of time and such that dont really hurt anything, but i thought everyone had. whoops. just my bpd showing again lol) it’s like when i climbed over a wooden fence in colorado and realized i had a sliver in my leg and then when i got it out, i realized i had another sliver in my leg and then when i got it out i realized i had another sliver in m-and so on. it never stops really. maybe it’d help if i told more ppl. idk. 

Did you feel like anything changed after a diagnosis?short answer: it brought some clarity, some understanding and validation, that i think really helped me. sometimes it brought hopelessness, sometimes motivation. i mean, i was still the same person, just with a label. it started me on a road i referred to as resurfacing.long answer: i mean, i was still the same person, just with a label. it definitely brought gravity to it. sometimes it made me hopeless (can you even recover from a personality disorder?), but sometimes it brought me hope bc i wasn’t alone and there are coping methods made esp for me. it helped me understand myself and why i did what i did. it helped me be more proactive, and im getting better at it. it helped me accept some of my quirks, and helped me communicate. it’s a constant learning process like battle.

Do you feel like people treat you differently when they know you have it?short answer: depends on the person and how much they care about you as a person.long answer: lmao so like i haven’t told my parents yet, didnt have to since i was over 18. lately my mom is becoming more aware tho i think, and she’s being really supportive. my friends (irl and online, they all know) are really supportive and patient and encouraging and kind. they’re so great. the two ppl i dated since were lovely. about a month after diagnosis, however, i told my boyfriend of the time whose only response was “why didn’t you tell me this before i got emotionally attached to you?” :-) THAT fucked me up, but i still think it’s fair. lately im super worried about it though. 

How do you deal with all the negativity around the diagnosis?short answer: i dont lollong answer: so i had never heard of it before 2016 sooo i actually don’t really know about the stigmas even now? i try really hard not to hear about any of it, bc if i do, im going to shrivel and not have the confidence to be open about it, which really helps me and my relationships. being open about it is what destroys the stigma. at the same time, im totally terrified of telling my family for some reason. my mom used to say anxiety was a hat i put on, bc she was a nurse in the mental ward, so her view of mental illness is basically of non to low functioning people. she;s a lot more supportive and validating of it now but idk i cant.OKAY ALSO negativity with recovery high key sucks. for a solid year i was convinced that there’s no recovery and i’ll probably kill myself before im 27, im so screwed blah blah blah, but then i FINALLY starting finding resources that consistently said 50% of adults find themselves recovered after ten years. im also really working hard on self care and coping rn. making good choices for myself to hopefully stay as healthy and happy as possible.

lmk if you have other questions!

xo

[cheerstocrazy]

Dates with Hippie

9/7 Met him from Hinge. We actually swiped right on each other a couple of years ago from Bumble, but I don’t think he remembers, and I only remember bc I stalked him and was making fun of him with PP abt a white guy loving India. He was really eager in conversations with me and replied hella quickly. He even told me I was cute TWICE, when he had never met me in person. He invited me to the mariachi festival at DTSA. I was thinking mariachi?? Whatever, be a good sport. Parking was a nightmare. Walked around bc he wasn’t replying to my texts, watched the mariachi on my own. Started walking toward Wursthaus and saw him, and thought hey, he’s pretty cool, tall, looks abt the same as his photos or even better. Called him to tell him I was there and asked where he was. I don’t think he took it as srsly as he should have. He wasn’t really talking to me?? And was more invested in the performances and also his cousin came, so he was with us the whole time. It was so weird. We weren’t really talking abt anything except what music we both liked. He also seemed to know everyone in DTSA. He went to fix the sound when the girl’s PA wasn’t working. I was thinking wtf, you’re supposed to be on a date WITH ME, talking TO ME. Here you are leaving me alone and talking to other people. My parking meter was going to expire in 90 mins, and I was thinking abt booking it then. I was over watching the girl at the stage, so he said we should go to the mariachi stage to catch his friends. I wanted a drink and mentioned that too….saying I wanted a Michelada. It was 10 bucks, such a scam!! And I was like can we pleaseeeeee go get a drink, I’M DYING!!!! We went to Vacation bar and got a batshit host who talked too much. We got Mezcal drinks, and he was asking me abt my spirit animal, and I straight up said Joanne the scammer. Then he said no, a literal animal, so I said a sloth lol. Then after I heard their way better answers, I was like have you guys thought abt this in detail? I asked what animal is a savage. And they probed me abt how savage I was. I replied: I am the most savage person you have ever met. I’m withholding it rn bc you guys aren’t ready for who I really am. Randal said trust me, you can’t shock me, just be who you really are. That’s what I want to know abt people, who they really are and upfront so I’m not shocked later on. I was like you have no idea who I am. And I’m savage for a reason, you don’t know what my intentions are. You have to know if I’m actually a good person or not, and you need way more context to get what I’m saying. My savagery isn’t from malice, it’s for fun and bc I’m evil. They also insulted me correct gif pronunciation. He asked me abt Jorja Smith. I said I would reincarnate as her. We shit on the govt a little bit, and I said whatever you feel, I feel it 5x stronger. Idr the rest, we left to go back to the mariachi. He saw more of his friends, he was planning on hanging out with his group of friends then he lost them. We ended up going to The Gypsy Den, so his cousin could pee. I also finally checked my phone to realize my PARKING METER HAD EXPIRED FOR OVER AN HR. I WAS FREAKING OUT. I CAN’T AFFORD A TICKET!!!! I ran back to find out someone had put more money in my meter. YOU FREAKING ANGEL!!!!! THANK YOU SO MUCHH!!!! The car behind me had been ticketed. I am so lucky. Bless up. There are good people in the universe. He asked me do you have rhythm? I was like with what? Dancing? Yes ofc, I’m not a gringo. I came back and we went to an art gallery. Randall asked me what my thoughts were. Me: I don’t like this art/paintings. It’s all dumb and I don’t get it. We went to this other gallery area and he asked me what my thoughts were on this seemingly Japanese and Native American painting. To which I replied, cultural appropriation. I said I would need more context from this artist to see if he/she really understand the history of these people and how their paintings were highlighting anything abt these cultures. We went into another exhibit, and Idk what lead us to this topic, but I said we need more diversity in art, that goes across literature, music, etc. And that there are a lot of good people in the world, but the bad ones are what you remember. I agreed, but my line of thought was more that the bad have so much power. It fucking sucks knowing I can’t do anything abt it. I said I come from a place of a lot of privilege and I want to lift everyone too. Why do the bad people want to suppress and oppress people?? After this, we wanted to go get drinks but his cousin wanted food, so he FINALLY LEFT, SO WE COULD TALK ALONE. We watched this older group of men perform some surfy music, which was not bad at all. I enjoyed it a lot. It was funny bc everyone stood in this whole ass perimeter away from the musicians. Idky they self-segregated, it made me laugh. If nothing else, this is what I’ll take away from Randall’s date with me. We were laughing at this one lady who was dancing in the middle and recording some of the band. I referenced Kris Jenner’s You’re doing amazing, sweetie, and he didn’t get it smh. By now, he had put his arm around me and was lightly touching me. It was a bit past 10 and his cousin and he were talking abt leaving. He said there was a mezcalero close to his apt, and that I could stop by…...if I wanted, so yeah…..He said it so awkwardly, both his cousin and I were like why’d you have to say it like that?? And he replied, bc that’s who I am...that’s me. Then they both stared at me for an answer, and I said stop staring at me, it’s making me uncomfortable. I said I’d come. Parking was horrible. I drank more than I ate yday. I texted him I was there, and he came outside. We walked to the mezcal bar, and the service was shat bc the bartenders were so busy so he asked if I had heard of the Blind Donkey, so we went there instead. Neither of us had been there before, but it was pretty poppin. We got our drinks and I stupidly walked us back out to the entrance thinking it was the upstairs lmao idiot. We sat on a random couch, but it was too loud, so we moved back behind the speakers. They were playing throwback indie bangers, and I was loving. They played Banquet by Bloc Party, and An Honest Mistake by the Bravery. I was like ugh so good, I was sitting dancing, then when Gorillaz DARE came on, I was like okay let’s go dance, and grabbed his hand. He wasn’t a horrible dancer, could use more rhythm, but he was legitimately dancing and having fun, which is what I appreciate! They kept playing really good shit, then he went to dance behind me and sometimes he would wrap his arms around me and hold me which felt nice. And I think his head rested perfectly over my head bc I’m that small. I turned around at one point and kissed him, and he’s not a bad kisser at all. I liked it/him a lot. 8/10. I expect nothing less than his caliber of kissing...Males should not kiss like wet fish or be sloppy. You guys are all old and have had multiple gfs!!! All I have to say for these 90 minutes was that I had a blast, and it was so much fun, and it’ll probably go down as one of my favorite nights of this year. I’m pretty sure we were the only ones dancing at most points of the night, and I DIDN’T EVEN CARE. I am wayyy too tired to process everything, but I had a ton of fun. I mean the latter half of the night will be part of that best night of the year too. Dancing with someone remotely familiar who knows the music is always a fun experience. I asked to leave to get some fresh air, and we hugged outside. He said let’s go take a walk. Not sure what we talked about, but it was nice to be on empty streets walking around. We held hands the entire time. The topic of drugs came up, and I was saying I understand why people take drugs to cope with life bc it’s so fucking hard sometimes, and it’s so overwhelming. It’s hard to deal with it on your own. It’s so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel sometimes. It feels like a hell hole. He said something along the lines of yeah, I’ve succumbed a few times. I’ve fallen into a depression and went to sleep not wanting to wake up bc there was nothing going for me. Then we got back to his apt area, and we sat on some random steps. Not really sure what we spoke abt here or what his game plan was. He put his arm around me and we chilled. And I kept looking to the left bc I didn’t want to make eye contact to the right O_O He lightly tapped me on my shoulder, so I turned around, then he immediately kissed me (which was so smooth). He’s a great kisser. I liked his rhythm and style. He does the triple lingering kiss at the end which is my favorite thing. He also caresses me full body which is nice too. I’m not that affectionate...so...I’ll work on that. He kissed me all throughout my neck, shoulders, ears. He’s pretty good. At one point, I put my legs over his leg, and it got more intense. He started caressing my legs and going up my thighs. I told myself I wouldn’t get WGW or have sex tonight. Generally, my hand goes immediately to a man’s crotch and I tried to remain as restrained as possible. Then he started going close to my underwear or over it, so I was like yo, 2 can play at this game. And I already knew he had been hard for probably hours, so I grabbed it from outside his pants..and he was wet already. I rubbed his balls, and I could hear him moaning in my ear. He kept putting his hand through my hair to kiss me more intensely, and all I could think was I’M BALD. DON’T DO THIS TO ME. YOU’RE LITERALLY TAKING HAIR OUT!!! My life is already so difficult ); I think earlier he had asked if I was going to drive home or wanted to stay over, and I said I can drive home. He said good bc he lived in a studio and space was limited. Then ¾ into the makeout session, that was TAKING FOREVER with SO MANY PEOPLE PASSING BY AND WATCHING AND SEEING MY CROTCH FLASHED, he whispered, do you really have to go home, can’t you just stay? I didn’t reply. Then this one guy with LLD who made a lot of noise passed by us, so I stopped and looked at him. He laughed….then later he asked can we go to your car and do this in a not so sketchy spot. We are not 17!!!! You are too big for my car anyway. This is fine--there is space here! At points, we would stop kissing and I hugged him tight and rested my head on his shoulder to enjoy the moment, intimacy, and silence. I almost wanted to say this is nice, thanks. Thank god, I didn’t. I also wanted to pull out my phone and soundtrack this scene to Heartbeats by Jose Gonazlez, but that’d be TOO CHEEZY. One time I rested my head on his shoulder and was closing my eyes bc I was so sleepy!!! He’s like are you sleeping??? Bitch I MIGHT BE. I always thought he would finish kissing me after we ended with our lingering kisses, then he’d come back for more. Finally, I said I’m gonna head out bc I’m so tired. He said he’d walk me. We held hands and he walked me back. I said I still have my gum in my mouth, it’s called talent. We kissed AGAIN at the car, then he squeezed me tight and let me go. Told me to drive home safe and light slapped my ass. I was so tired. I still am. How do I feel about all of this? It was a nice and fun night. Did it beat the effortlessness and ease of convo with Liorr? No...But I generally don’t kiss anyone I kind of like/who has potential on the first date. We made out for an entire fucking hour. Holy fuck, NO WATER, NUFFIN. That’s impressive m8. We hung out for about 9 hours. That’s A LONG ASS TIME. I didn’t necessarily feel an intense connection/chemistry, but that’s bc Idk him. There weren’t any red flags for me. Whenever I expressed my opinion, he would validate it and build upon it which is refreshing considering most guys would become defensive and be quick to strike my opinion down. You asked for it, you twats. If you asked me for a perfect date, it would be either be dancing + drinks at a festival/bar, and I got that. I had a fucking blast. Imagine if I actually had a FESTIVAL BAE. WAH ALL I WANT IS TO BE HELD!!! 

9/13 Date #2 

Initial reactions: I felt so safe, seen, understood. It’s so easy. I’m shook. You know how after Tyler and Hannah’s date, Hannah said “I’ve never felt so respected”--that’s how I feel on a smaller scale. I like this d00d bc he has no ego and actually listens to me and replies directly to what I say. We’re so in sync physically, it’s stupid. It’s so easy to talk to him, and the way he holds me--everything. Kill me, I love his kisses; I love the way he smells. He’s way more romantic than me and so affectionate. I am stone cold, and he makes me not want to be that and reciprocate to maybe ⅓ of his level. Who raised him? They did so well! And all his exes did so WELL IN TEACHING HIM HOW TO TREAT A GIRL AND HOW TO KISS. 

I think I like him. That was probably one of my favorite dates ever, if not my favorite date. It was so easy, relaxed, chill, low-key. He said he was leaving for HB early, and wasn’t texting me afterward, so I was kind of hesitant if he actually left or not. I was thinking, “What if I get stood up? Whatever, I can drink at the beach by myself. NBD” He did reply and said he was parked which made me feel relieved. I got out of the car and saw that he was parked and walking toward me. I’ll never get over how tall he is. He surely is taller than 6 ft!!! We walked toward the beach, talked abt our day. I saw that there was a patrol looking car driving along the street we were walking. It was a trash truck, and it was emptying/putting new bags along the walkway. We walked away, and somehow it would always end up behind us. Whatever. We mostly talked about drugs and his experiences with it. I opened a beer too while we talking. He talked abt his preference for psychedelics. He said he did acid while in India with a girl he met up with whom he had hooked up on and off for 3 years back when he was younger. He said the conversation they had while on acid was the reason they were able to maintain a friendship afterwards, otherwise that would’ve been over. Hmmm, cryptic. We finally got to the benches/tables I wanted to sit at, and I said my boots were hurting (which they were). It was pretty wet, but I put down my blanket for us to sit on it. We talked a lot abt his experiences traveling in Sri Lanka/India. I wanted to know more abt Sri Lanka and how he traveled there. He also said India is his favorite country and he wants to return again next year. I asked him what’s the pull for India? Why? He explained to me he liked the duality and chaos, the mix of wealth and poverty, there’s always a lot going on, etc. I said it’s so strange for me to hear someone who loves it so much when my experience was so different and frustrating. I talked abt the instance where we almost got sexually assaulted. He replied: yeah, sorry about that. That’s horrible, I can’t imagine how it is to travel as a girl there. I really appreciated that response. How many guys in the world would be able to apologize, validate me, and empathize? Maybe 3 people. When we sat next to each other, he always rubbed/caressed my back, and they were really good massages tbh!!! When I was telling my India story, he didn’t really do that anymore, sensing the urgency and conflict to come in my story. And Idk when he did this, but we were talking and he ended up resting his head on my shoulder leaning back into me, and it was so cute, I nearly died. I hadn’t been touching him or doing anything. He seemed to feel really comfortable. We talked a lot abt his marketing agency bg, and we talked abt being laid off and what we did after that. I think we were in this weird intertwined position. He hugged me from behind, and he was sitting to my left, but his head was on my right shoulder, so I leaned opp way..and he replied so basically we did the same shit and ran away, diff times. I told him I had the same birthday as Donald Trump and I could relate to him when I was 12 bc I’ve since grown up. When I was 11, I told a kid who stood up on a chair, “be careful not to break the chair!” My teacher, Thompson smh and was like Natalie, you can’t say shit like that. Hippie said he was never in a position to be a bully bc he moved schools when he was in 4th grade from Mississippi to Louisiana. He said he was a hillbilly and spoke with a different accent. I asked him what kind of accent it was, and he kept saying oh man, Idek how to do it anymore. Saying I reckon etcetc, and I laughed bc I hear that only in shows/movies and from British people. He told me I smelled nice. I said, “You do too! I can’t pinpoint the smell tho.” Him: I did shower! He said it’s probably my conditioner. I smelled his hair, and it was def his conditioner. He said when he was working at his agency, he was considered the nerd there bc he played video games and was weird, then he said when he went to work at Blizzard in Irvine, he felt like a jock bc he has interests outside of video games. I can’t even imagine how dweeby everyone is there. He kept saying how tough this year is for him, but he feels like with the changing of the seasons, fall feels like it’s gonna be better (I BETTER BE A PART OF IT). I was starting to get worked up abt my job and complaining, so he said we don’t have to talk abt work anymore and kissed me. We kissed for a long ass time, and he told me, “I really like kissing you.” I replied “I like kissing you, too.” Then he said something like, “I could just sit here and kiss you all night, it’s ridiculous. I especially love your bottom lip. It’s so *insert adjective I can’t recall thick? Juicy? plump?* He kept playfully kissing only my bottom lip, and it was so cute UGH KILL ME. He kissed every inch of my body, legs to arms, head to toe. HE KNOWS HIS WAY AROUND ;_; He kept telling me I was so cute. He asked me if we could go back somewhere, but I said none of us live near here. Funny tidbit: He fingered me (and it was really smooth and FUCKING GOOD. I think our sex would be incredible) then he when he ended, he licked each finger, and he said, “Damn, you taste so fucking good. Weird compliment, but it’s true.” I laughed. I was wearing my high-waisted shorts, and he kept trying to unzip from the front, and I told him the zipper is on the side. He asked why the belt was in the front? “Aesthetics.” He was super hard, but I didn’t want to go thru the trouble of unbuckling his belt and unzipping. He said you know you can undo my pants. So I did...and he asked if I could do it with one hand. And in my head, I was like BRUH PLS LEAVE IT TO THE EXPERT. During this period was when the trash picking up man kept going back and forth behind us making so much noise. I was like srsly??? WE’RE DOING STUFF HELLO. And people were walking at night too. It’s 2am!!! Why wouldn’t you walk during the daytime??? We hugged each other during these moments and laughed. It was a full moon this night, so the beach was so gorgeous and illuminated. When we finished, he said “I should put my dick away.” It was def above average and kind of long??? At the end of everything, when I was folding up the wet blanket, he came from behind and hugged/held me, saying you’re so freaking cute. We stood there and idk what to do but it felt so nice, safe, warm. *cries* He kissed my neck and did the sideways kiss (which I always find super fucking awkward and unromantic), but it was totally sweet and natural with him. I really relished the quiet moments between us. Then we walked back and were talking abt the govt, economics, and corporations. He and I agree on everything so whatever I said, he’d say too. He walked me to my car and we said bye. He held me and kissed me for an extended amt of time. He kept doing the lingering kisses and I couldn’t bring myself to leave. He’s my favorite kisser for sure. I remember thinking “not to be dramatic, but his kisses could bring world peace.”

9/18 Date #3 in Orange

There were so many things that annoyed me before the date. So he said hey I have the apt to myself, come hang out. I thought I was going to Long Beach. I think I worked a 10 hr day, and was like fuck I have to haul ass up to LB now. GREAT. I texted him I was headed out, then he said he was going to an open mic night in Orange. And I was like well wtf, we made plans and you’re just telling me this now? He always tells me things so last minute. I HATE IT. 

Initial thoughts: I don’t think we’re compatible with each other. I don’t think we’re at the same points in our live bc I’ve just come out of my crisis (it’s been a year), and he’s in the thick of his. I don’t think he has enough security in his life to take on another human. And that’s fine--I’m not even needy (ok kind of) but self-sufficient. Not only is he not ready to be in a relationship, but I don’t think we want the same things right now either or have enough common ground. He’s into playing live music and his music collective; he’s spiritual, into yoga and rock climbing. I’m not into that at all. He’s going to a festival for a while, and it’s all spiritual meditation/yoga, which is my fucking nightmare. He never asks anything abt me. It’s mostly me asking questions and getting to know him. Maybe he was having an off day yday. He literally said “I need a place to live 10/1...and ya that’s not going” I’m pretty level-headed abt this, but also I don’t want to be with someone (even if it’s casual) at their best or normal self. I don’t want to be a burden or carry the weight of their burdens. Is that selfish??? I’m realizing this may not be in and taking it in stride. It doesn’t have to be a permanent thing or even something that endures. It could be temporary idk. I’m tempering my feelings for sure. I don’t think I’m the girl for him. I think I’d be a stabilizing force for him and a good ear to bounce ideas off and someone to whom he could vent, but what’s in that for me? I’m learning to be more selfish, not just with my standards, but what I get out of these things. I didn’t have as much fun this time as the last 2, but the bar was so high from the last 2. We can’t always be our best selves, but I’m always my best self when I’m with someone new. Interesting tidbit: He told me the first time he cried was 2012 to Brokeback Mountain. The moment I knew I wasn’t it: He described his dream house/living situation..He said he only wanted to live with musicians and wanted a spare room with a studio to host jam sessions, playing sessions, which is not to say he wants that exclusively and can’t like other things. But I’m so faaaaaaar from that and any other of his passions. I think he’s so invested in music and has tunnel vision with that, that he only wants to be surrounded by other people who want that, too, whereas most normal musicians have non-music friends too. This is me maybe assuming, but I think I’m astute. At the end of the night, we hugged bye and it felt so weird, and I didn’t know what was gonna happen. Bc the entire time, it felt like I was pulling out teeth to keep the conversation going, and he was so aloof and withdrawn. I would cater the convo to topics he liked, and he would give me depressing answers that took me aback. Like when I asked if he snowboarded, he said no, that could hurt my legs. He was so trite. Talked abt his ACL surgery, everything bad that he had experienced….I heard abt it. It was draining for me to listen and keep up a positive attitude and maintain any semblance of levity. At the end, he hugged me, told me to have fun, and have a safe drive out to Vegas. He held me for a bit, so Idk we ended up kissing. It felt empty. He dropped his skateboard and hydro before he kissed me, kind of clunky, kind of funny. I left feeling discouraged and frustrated.