#such as lots of yelling I can’t control in my environment

[none-tadashi-left-hiro]

oh it’s possible I am experiencing dissociation

[nikaglazr]

The Party - Nika Muhl

Synopsis: Nika and Y/N had been rivals since Freshman season. Nika being the defensive presence of UConn, while Y/N was the same for Virginia Tech. Now, in their junior seasons, both face off in the final four. But the night before the game, the two teams find themselves in the same club.

“You always come to the parties, to pluck the feathers off all the birds.”

PART 1 !!

Part 2: https://www.tumblr.com/nikaglazr/750590525468491776/the-after-party-nika-muhl

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Y/N’s POV

The flight to Cleveland was uneventful. Most of the team slept and the ones who didn’t just sat in silence. Not me and Georgia though

“You pumped for this game, eh?” The shorter Australian girl says as she pushes my shoulder lightly.

“Super. Feeling even better now that we’re going up against UConn.” I respond, smirking a bit.

“Speak for yourself, I have to guard Paige! She’s like 6 foot!”

I laugh at the girls comment before checking the time. 5:30 pm. I look back up at the girl before saying,

“We should go out tonight, like you, me, and whatever girls decide to tag along.” I tell her. I shift in my seat to adjust my seatbelt before turning back to her.

She laughs before responding. “That’s actually a great idea. I’m sure Eliza and Gabby would say yes.” She smiles.

I nod at that as we both go back to our previous activities, talking momentarily every now and then.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*Time Skip: At hotel*

When we get to the hotel, me and Georgia immediately decide to room together. After getting out the elevator, and Georgia struggling to unlock the door, we finally get in our room. I instantly drop my bags on one of the beds, my body going with it.

“Want me to text the gc to see if they want to go?” I ask pulling out my phone.

“Yeah, we should go to that Bird of Paradise place, they have hella cool lights” Georgia voice echos from the bathroom.

I pull up the gc and type out a quick messege.

~~~~~~~~

Hokie Hoochies 🐱🖤

Y/N: Yall wanna hit up birds of paradise at like 9 w me and Geo❓❓

Kit Kat: oohhhh yes 👍👍

Tilda: I got a assignment i cant 😔

Lanna: OUU YUHH 🗣️

Sam Suff: Trust I WILL be there 🙏🙏

Gabber: Yessss I need it

Carys: Can’t im T’s partner on the assignment

Mack: I cant im so so jetlagged

Y/N: Alr alr bet we loadin in this rental coach bought be ready by 8:30

~~~~~~~~

I turn my phone off and yell at Georgia about what the girls said.

~~~~~~~~~~

*Time Skip: 8:00 pm*

Me and Georgia decide to start getting ready since we have to go pick up the car. I decide to put on i black fitting leather long sleeve with dark green cargos, finishing off with black chunky sneakers and light makeup (or wtv you want).

After Georgia finishes getting ready we head out to the rental car in the hotel parking lot. In a few minutes all the other girls arrive and we all pack into the car, Georgia driving.

“I got aux!” Samyha yells, earning laughs from the other girls.

The ride there was hype. We were all getting ourselves ready for tonight. It was probably for the best that Sam got control of the music, she has really good taste. As we pull up we all hop out the car and head to the door.

“Slim thick, caramel skin, 5 5 this bitch a ten!” Alanna sings as we get in.

“Hair done bills paid catch me slidin inna benz!” Samyha finishes as we make our way to the bar.

We all order various drinks before I decide to get a private bench.

We all sit down and talk for a bit as we take in the environment. After a few minutes some of the girls like Gabby and Elizabeth were out on the floor. The remaining five of us were just chilling and laughing until I hear a familiar voice. Nika fucking Muhl.

Suddenly a group girls come around the corner, my head turns to look at them. Identifying them as Paige Bueckers, Aubrey Griffin, Azzi Fudd, Ines Bettencourt, Ice Brady, and Nika Muhl. I sigh heavily before getting Georgia’s attention.

“Geo, guys, look who decided to show up.” I point the group of girls across the rather crowded club.

“You got to be fucking kidding me” Georgia says, her accent standing out over the loud music.

The girls grunt as we decide to let it go, hoping they didn’t wander over here.

Everything was fine until we heard Elizabeth and Gabby call out to us as she was over with the very set of girl we didn’t want to see.

Some of the girls put on believable smiles while I just sit monotone as they close in on the table.

“Look who I found!” Elizabeth says happy, you can tell she’s at least a bit tipsy.

“We decided that we would be nice and they could share the booth with us.” Gabby finishes the slightly intoxicated girls thoughts.

“If that’s okay with you guys, we can totally get one if it’s not.” Paige buts in.

My distaste must have been obvious as my least favorite person to see points it out.

“Well it’s obviously not, Right Y/LN?” She says with a attitude, her Croatian accent showing boldly throughout each word.

She’s already pissing me of but I keep my composure and mask my hatred, “no no, it’s perfectly fine. Go ahead” I say dismissively.

A few of the girls went to hang out on the floor with Eliza and Gabby, leaving only me, Georgia, Nika, Paige, and Samyha at the booth.

Nika has been giving me looks all night and if there wasn’t so many people around than I would confront her about it, but for the time being I just stay silent and look down at my drink.

Georgia clears her throat before speaking.

“So are you two hyped for tomorrow?” She asks, looking between Paige and Nika.

“Definitely, it’ll be fun.” Paige says comfortably as Nika just nods.

“Where are ya’ll staying?” Sam asks, looking at Paige since she is the more responsive out of the two.

“The- uhhh- Ritz Carlton I think? Yeah that one.” The blonde answers.

As my eyes travel up to find Paige, they meet a glaring Nika. I roll my eyes at her before getting up and heading back to the bar. After I get my drink I turn around only to see Nika coming up beside me.

She orders a drink before looking at me.

“I know you don’t want us there.” She says, taking a big drink of her cocktail.

“Is it that obvious princess?” I say with faux shock.

She just gives me the same glare from earlier.

“We’re gonna win you know?” She says bluntly.

That comment makes my blood boil as I meet her eyes.

“Yeah we’ll see. I might get coach to put Georgia on you so I can get Paige, since- you know- you don’t do to much offensively.”

“Whatever. We’ll let all this talk settle after tomorrow.” She says sighing angrily.

“Aw, sorry princess, didn’t know not being a good scorer got to you so much.” I pout teasingly at her.

The Croatian looks mad but she plays it off alright. After a few minutes of silence and drinking, you can tell she’s a bit intoxicated.

I suddenly feel a tug on my hand, I look and it’s Nika leading me out to the middle of the club. I give the girl a confused look but I end up following her anyway.

Once we get far enough she turns around and looks at me, but it’s not an angry look, it’s a lot more welcoming than that.

“We should dance.” She slurred slightly, her Croatian accent hanging off every word.

“I thought you hated me princess?” I ask playfully.

To be honest, Nika was never the ugliest person. Dare I say she was easy on the eyes. The only reason we didn’t get along was because during our freshman year, when we first played each other, she assumed I didn’t know Croatian. Which led to her saying some things she thought I couldn’t understand. Ever since the trash talk had reached an all-time high.

As I snap back to the scene in front of me, I see Nika taking off her coat.

“You’re a lot cuter off the court.” The girl replies simply, grabbing my hands and swaying gently.

Deciding to entertain the girls actions, I slowly sway with her. I decide to keep at least a little distance just to be respectful.

After a moment she steps closer and before I can react she just hugs me, hands going around my waist.

My breath hitches momentarily as the girl continues to sway back and forth to the music. I decide that her behavior will wear off as I slowly sway with her. I’ll take her to the rest of her team later.

After minutes and a few more songs, I decide that it’s time to head back to the booth. My hand goes to her lower back as I lead her through the buzzing crowd.

When we near the table I make eye contact with Paige. She seems to alert the other girls of our upcoming presence as they all look our way.

“I was wondering where you guys were.” Paige chuckles a bit as I help Nika sit down.

“She’s a little drunk so I brought her back.” I respond looking at the brunette beside me.

I look around the room to see a few UConn girls still dancing. They don’t look like their ready to leave, but Nika needs to get home.

“Hey Paige, if you guys wanna stay here I can run Nika to yalls hotel.” I offer, voice straining over the music.

“That would be great, i’ll give you the key. You know where it’s at right?” She asks while trying to pull, what I assume to be the key, out of her pocket.

I just nod before looking towards Georgia.

“I’ll be back with the rental, love ya.” I say quickly before grabbing the key off the table and helping the drunk girl up.

As we get out to the car I start to hear slurred mumbles from behind me. I smile a little, realizing what happened tonight. That was the first non-hostile encounter i’ve ever had with Nika.

When we get to the car I open to door for her and she stumbles into the car silently. I walk around to the drivers side before getting in and starting the car. I turn on my gps to their hotel and start driving.

After a few minutes of driving, Nika starts talking- well more like mumbling to me.

“Thank you baby.” She says looking at me.

I know shes drunk but god is she hot right now. I look over to her quickly before looking back at the road.

“Course.” I respond simply, a light pink hue coating my cheeks.

Unfortunately, she seems to notice as she shamelessly points it out.

“Don’t be nervous baby, it’s just us.” The Croatian slurs, touching my unoccupied arm.

“Nika sto-“ I barely get out.

“We all know you want me. You want my body don’t you?” She teases. “I bet when you heard me cuss you in Croatian that one time you only got mad because you were turned on, right baby?”

At this point my brain is foggy, whether it’s from the alcohol or the girls bold teases. Probably both.

“You’re drunk and delusional.” I respond surely.

Nika giggles quietly before turning back to the window.

“You so were.” She giggles again.

I decide to ignore her as we pull up to her hotel. I get out first, walking to the other side to help her out.

Once we get in the hotel she immediately runs toward the elevator, pushing the up button multiple times.

The ride in the elevator was boring, thank god. As the door opens, Nika leads me straight to her room. I open the door and she goes straight to her bed.

“This is me.” She giggles, kicking her shoes off.

I laugh quietly before walking up to the now laying down Nika.

“Bye pretty girl.” I whisper as I kiss her forehead softly and quickly.

She only hums in response. I make my way over to the door, but not without taking one last glance to the, now, half asleep girl.

After getting back to the club I see all the girls waiting by the other team’s car. When they see me they all seem to run in at once. As everyone I came here with gets in I see Paige walking up to me.

“Thank for taking Nika back. You’re not as bad as you are on the court, y’know.” She says standing outside my car window.

“No problem. And you’re pretty cool too Paige.” I respond before driving off.

After getting to the hotel, we all part into our respected rooms.

Georgia, around as sober as me, helps a few of the girls into their rooms before coming back to ours.

We both make eye contact as we get ready for bed.

“Good game tomorrow Geo.” I say getting settled in.

“Good game Y/NN.” She mumbles back as she gets in her bed.

I think about the events of tonight. I can’t let Nika’s comments distract me tomorrow. Im sure she won’t even remember it by then. After a few minutes of thinking in the dark, I feel sleep overcome my senses.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THATS THE END OF PART ONE !!

I yapped a bit but I hope yall like 😝😝

//////////////////////////



[76blades]

I can no longer stay silent.

I always feel bad for venting out loud, whether it be publicly or to my Twitter circle (which I have been doing a lot lately, and I’m sorry if it’s been distressing (…my point exactly)). But things have not been ok, nor have shown any significant chances of getting better anytime soon. I know I’m gonna be beating myself up later for posting this, but I’m sick and tired and I can’t stay quiet. I’m desperate for change.

For those who don’t know, Winter’s family (and job) has been severely mentally and emotionally abusing her, and it’s not just because of her gender identity. They’ve threatened and harassed her over her showing any negative emotions, her body, her interests, the food she eats, you name it. Granted, it’s not my tale to tell, but it has been BAD as of late for her, and it definitely has affected me. I might be going through some similar stuff with my dad, but he’s nothing compared to them.

Speaking of, for those who don’t know about my dad, he’s a slightly better version of Winter’s parents; a well-intended asshole but still an asshole. He has caused me to question my sanity and safety several times, and he refuses to acknowledge my anxiety as anything serious, and believes it’s something I can easily control and/or an act I put on. He’s been trying to pull me into college even though I’ve told him several times that I don’t want to, and he’s told me several times that if I don’t follow his advice then I’m only gonna end up nowhere. He certainly doesn’t believe anything regarding Winter’s situation either, and views it all with rose-tinted glasses. 

He also demands to know my entire schedule for the week, that I laugh at his jokes or smile when I don’t want to; and he even touches my shoulders and back without my consent, and he’ll get mad when I express my discomfort. I was dreading having to move back in with him because I knew this would all be happening, only for it to be so much worse. I don’t even feel comfortable recording when he’s home because I’m afraid of him yelling and/or making fun of me. And yet, it’s funny and sad how he’s an absolute saint compared to Winter’s family.

Winter and I have been breaking our backs trying to save up for a new home, but our jobs have been cruel to us on top of our families. We’re being overworked and underpaid, and a good chunk of our paychecks goes towards food and travel expenses. And while we’ve been trying our best to push our comms, we’re still a far way from freedom.

I don’t ever want to come off as a beggar for money, attention, etc., and I feel anxious whenever I boost my comms because of that, and yet I also feel like that’s exactly what I’m doing here. But I need to be transparent with you all about my and Winter’s situation. I am truly afraid that one of might truly snap, with the little remaining of our sanity vanishing in an instant. Tbh I feel like that person is more likely to be me than her. 

Regardless, I’m unsure of what else to do right now other than to keep boosting commissions and whatnot (and I might make a Ko-Fi goal too, idk), but I want to keep finding affective (and healthy) ways to spread awareness of our situation and help bring us a few steps closer to where we want to be.

I know I’ve said that I feel like I’m waiting for a miracle that won’t come, but maybe you all could help us bring that miracle to life. Thank you all for taking time out of your day to read this and support us.

I will be attaching links to my comms and Ko-Fi, as well as Winter’s. If you have any questions or would like to consider commissioning us, feel free to DM or Email either of us.

TLDR: Winter and I are being abused. We're desperate to leave our perspective toxic environments, and we need some extra help.

My Commissions | My Ko-Fi | Winter's Commissions | Winter's Ko-Fi

[divinebunnii]

This is a genuine question because I don't have ADHD so I don't know what it's like. (I have OCD and worry a lot.) I have a coworker who is rude and yell at me when stressed (which is often) and she has ADHD. I once met someone else with ADHD who said apologizing was hard for her because it made her very emotional. My coworker never apologizes but I notice that she will try to be nicer than usual after yelling at me. I do feel resentful at her but I also understand that she's not doing it to hurt me but I also feel like I don't deserve to get yelled at. But I'm afraid that if I talk to her about it it's gonna trigger another meltdown so I just try to ignore it.

What would you have prefered if you were in that situation?

so, as someone who suffers from childhood trauma, CPTSD, have borderline personality disorder, on top of being adhd autistic, it is totally rude. having spent the last 10 years of my life getting as much control over my snap reactions is something I do not take lightly, because if you genuinely don’t want to react that way, you do whatever you can to not react that way. it’s fucking hard, especially without medication, but we have to be able to reflect on what we’ve done / did and try to rationalize that it’s not appropriate behavior.

I’m not saying it’s controllable, but taking accountability and apologizing is not something that should be put on the back burner. if apologizing makes you emotional, like it does me, do it fucking anyway. if the conversation is uncomfortable or awkward, have it fucking anyway. ESPECIALLY in a work environment, the last time I worked a job in the real world I went fucking crazy on one of my bosses that didn’t deserve it, and I have regretted not apologizing and explaining myself ever since. If you let that shit just slide, it will always happen again and again. It’s sucks, but we HAVE to recondition our brains to accept that what we did was wrong, and keep training ourselves to not respond in those instant, negative ways every single time. And it is possible, it takes time, it takes work, it takes really wanting to not wallow in the pit of our triggers and grow from them to be a better person, not just to be kinder to ourselves, but for those around us, that have to be around us. They don’t deserve it either, and that perspective can move mountains.

in my opinion, the only time it’s acceptable is when someone is genuinely pushing you. but if it’s a snap, an instant, and you can recognize it wasn’t an okay reaction to have, you MUST be an adult and take responsibility. we might not have meant it, but we still DID it, and that must be addressed. Otherwise we will never have the coping tools and mechanisms to avoid rumination / spirals. And that girl will never grow from those reactions.

I still have moments I can’t catch myself, because I went through a fucking lot of shit in my childhood. There are things that get me for a week or more and I can’t pull myself out, but I have learned to regulate those feelings for the most part, after the fact. I used to go into blackout rages, I used to throw things, kick holes in walls, etc etc. it got to the point where I had to ooooo at myself and say “do I want to feel this way every time? Do I want to feel that pit of guilt for having a poor reaction?”

I fortunately had a very understanding and caring husband, who supported me and gave me the real talk when it needed to be real. he has always given me calm and kindness in my moments of weakness, which is how I think it should be approached. Resentment can be felt, which only amplifies quick negative reactions. we can train ourselves to not negatively respond to a trigger immediately, we can condition ourselves to understand that being an adult that functions as well as we can around others means taking accountability, taking responsibility, and genuinely trying to help ourselves from the pain we feel in that moment.

but if you’re asking how I would approach her in general, I’d still mention it every single time. “I know you’re stressed, I didn’t / don’t deserve that”. Apologizing, holding yourself to a better mindset, it’s possible, it just takes calm and supportive words and energies sometimes.

this is a long winded way of saying just because you feel guilty for reacting a way doesn’t give you the right to blow it off like nothing. own up, and just keep growing.

[hecksupremechips]

In my opinion, everyone in sees is autistic or some flavor of neurodivergent and I have organized my specific headcanons 😈

Kotone: the kind of autistic who was a “problem child”. She didn’t have any friends and would get into fights after her parents passed. She also has a short attention span and has trouble reading the room sometimes and will say things that maybe aren’t appropriate for a specific situation. And she has poor volume control when she’s excited, but will be very quiet in an unfamiliar environment. She wears headphones to avoid sensory overload and she’s very bouncy and always tapping or fidgeting with something

Junpei: the kind that does poorly in school due to short attention span and disinterest. He loses his homework all the time and was the kinda kid who could never sit still, always just getting up and walking around lol. He’s been yelled at by every adult in his life for being lazy and a failure and it sticks with him. Thinks the only way people can care about him is if he’s funny

Yukari: I think I have the least to say about her being autistic cuz im not sure if that’s really the root of her neurodivergence, but she has the energy of someone who’s always had to mask her whole life and then gets frustrated when there’s someone who doesn’t mask as much and they aren’t as ashamed about their behavior as she is. She struggles internally with unlearning that ableism and does try very hard to not let it show because she doesn’t want to be like the people that have made her feel like shit, but sometimes it slips out. It does make her very good at spotting others’ struggles with neurodivergence and she’s very defensive over others, but isn’t always good at treating herself the same way

Akihiko: literally so autistic coded I can’t believe it’s not even canon lol. He’s very smart but bad with social awareness and tends to take things very literally, like the way he defines strength is very literal physical strength. He has a special interest in sports and exercise and will infodump while happy as a clam. He’s got a short attention span and is just constantly running all over the place like this guy cannot sit still and when he likes someone and wants to be closer to them he just shows off all the shit he can do. He’s very very very emotionally repressed and has trouble understanding why others aren’t as good as repressing as he is (he doesn’t get why Shinji’s unable to “move on” from what happened to him, or why Ken would need the others to go looking for him after 10/4). Also he’s just awful at understanding his own feelings and what they mean and he’s ashamed of how easily he cries which is very real lol. I also just for fun hc that Miki was nonverbal autistic and her traits were just a lot more visible and she had more frequent meltdowns and never was able to receive any proper accommodations. She didn’t have any friends except for her brother and then eventually Shinji. I’d say that even if she didn’t have a proper diagnosis like, everyone knew she was autistic. I think because Akihiko is just so focused on being there for her he doesn’t really pay attention to his own traits until he’s older and thinks about it more and is like HUH WAIT. This then creates a spiral where everyone else becomes Aware of their own autism it’s an absolute catastrophe akdjsk

Mitsuru: ohhhh she masks so fucking hard she’s absolutely the type who literally has never let herself do anything that she wants, it’s all just whatever will make the adults in her life happy. And so she’s gonna have a massive identity crisis when she realizes she has no clue who she is because she’s never allowed herself to exist as a human and not a machine. She’s also got massive gifted kid burnout that’s gonna hit her like a truck at the same time unfortunately 😭. And in general she’s not very good at understanding her peers and has always gotten praised for being “mature for her age” and she’s also not the best at knowing when she’s being taken advantage of. And I don’t think she likes physical contact much please do not hug her she will hate it. Also burger becomes her same food

Fuuka: another one that’s just like oh my god how is this not canon. I think Fuuka is the only person in sees who’s gotten a proper diagnosis, but it happened when she was really young and her parents kept it a secret and ignored it. She’s always been horribly bullied for being gullible and weird and she gets taken advantage of easily. She’s desperate for validation. She’s very smart and passionate about what she loves but feels ashamed about her interests being strange. She’s deeply insecure that because she’s got more limits that she’s being useless to everyone around her. She hates loud noises hates fighting hates yelling and is the type who has frequent meltdowns. She likes to live in her own little world but is also lonely and doesn’t want anyone else to feel as lonely as she has. And i uh, am 100% projecting here but shes not good at eye contact and is always looking at the ground, she moves her arms a lot when she speaks, and she kinda walks weird like she waddles from side to side a bit

Aigis: I mean, she’s a robot so I’m not gonna say anything but also I mean she’s a robot desperately trying to understand humans and emotions so she’s an autistic icon 😩

Ken: I firmly believe Ken would be the type to have like a fursona and make like Sonic ocs and be into neopets absolutely. He knows all the fnaf lore and will be discussing it at the dinner table. He’s gullible but trying his best. He has trouble connecting with his peers. Hes “mature for his age”. He’s absolutely the type to get super bored whenever theres like a romantic subplot or some sort of character exploration subplot in one of his favorite shows he doesn’t understand why they aren’t FIGHTING that’s the BEST PART. It is much easier for him to do something if his special interests are involved he does well in school so that Naruto can be proud of him

Shinji: was a “problem child” he is very smart but sucks at school because he could never understand it and just the whole structure of everything never clicked with him and he’s always been told he’s a failure. He’s very quiet and has “scary” eyes so he was probably called a school shooter by his peers just because of that. He has difficulty with words and expressing himself. He gets along better with animals than he does people. He likes to make himself big to be threatening but whenever he’s in a situation where he actually needs to be social he freezes up and makes himself as small as he possibly can. He is essentially a cat lol. He has a lot of trouble managing his emotions and is the type to have meltdowns where he’s angry and is at risk of hurting himself or others. He wears the same clothes all the time. He has trouble with executive dysfunction and it’s hard for him to keep up with his hygiene. This is just a stupid thing but I love to imagine him as a secret warriors cat kid lol. And I also think he has bpd but that’s for another day

[wacky-nameless-inventor-24]

royalty au is a lot about Mads trauma ik but I really want to go into NFentons from when he served under NScrooge- as a sort of reaction to that I’m thinking of giving him control issues (though he’s kinda already been written with those anyway)

Being forced to be complicit in everything NScrooge did from murder to imprisonment to raids to greed and just everything means he just had to watch a lot of it and couldn’t do anything about it. Now that he’s in charge he has to be in charge of everything that happens so he can finally do it the correct way. Most of the time it’s not noticeable (he just has a reputation for being very Particular) but sometimes it’ll get bad and he either has to do everything personally himself or the people doing things for him (like his advisors) have to do everything Exactly how he tells form to and afterwards they have to give him an extensive report on what happened. Even though he is a very logical Greater Good Cut Our Losses kind of person it still has to be done the way he has figured it out to help as many people as possible and any variance from that really makes him angry. All of this only serves to wear him out more which makes is mood worse and it’s a hard cycle to get out of. He has a tendency to yell (that he is working on!) which really no one reacts well to but Mads and Blue especially have a hard time with it.

For example ig when Mads first started causing chaos NFenton was really hard on Blue about it because there were bad things happening (riots and fires and stuff) that he couldn’t stop, and so he figured he had the strongest person in the world who was also incapable of doing something about it. He was really nasty to them about not being able to catch him and really took his anger out on them- though nobody really recognized at the time it was a trauma response. Still doesn’t excuse it though and he did apologize to them throughly afterward and hasn’t done anything like that since (over my head was supposed! to cover this but I might just write it independently afterwards). Another example that isn’t as bad is after NGyro’s betrayal things get bad again, and he tries to assign everyone bodyguards- which like. they refuse cause it’s blue and beakley and mads they. all know how to take care of themselves and their refusal only makes his mental state worse. At that point he’s doing better about handling it tho so he’s never really mean to anyone about it he just gets extra grumpy which does lead to some bad arguments and work environments ig. I do have a fic about this I’ve been almost finished with for months now sldlglgkhkg He is also! shit about talking through his feelings so he has a tendency to hold things in until he explodes at someone.

Anyway on a more lighthearted side of it Mads has developed an attack plan for when he notices this from NFenton which is to make him stop working for the rest of the day (so he can’t be in charge of/control anything else and has to let other people take over so he can step back and calm down about it and see that it’s fine), give him a bath, maybe a massage, then distract him with food while braiding his hair and trying to talk about it with him. Talking doesn’t always work the first time so it becomes a sort of ongoing conversation until it’s resolved. The hair braiding is some extra physical contact to help him calm down sldlfkf

[taexual]

im getting real tired of oc acting like she has everything under control and is this amazing manger when all she does is order people around and can’t be serious when it comes to confrontations. i mean she yells and questions others for their behavior but they have to draw the line when it comes to her? that’s hypocritical. her saying that she was hiding behind the bet and only bc she was scared of jungkook‘s feelings being real is and was obvious from the very beginning but she also lied to herself again i mean let’s wake it up right?

how come YOU work with your ex boyfriend that is in a band that YOU are the manager of and allow YOURSELF to work with when YOU act like YOU don’t care about him, while YOU also try to control him for petty sht that has mostly to 65% nothing to do with the work environment. she always wants others to give her time and let her get her thoughts right before she has to talk but others for example jungkook has always an ultimatum like what is wrong with her and her entire mental health atp? im on jungkooks side with, that yes i as a reader am tired too if her acting like she doesn’t want to be with him when that’s all she wants but she‘s selfish (in my opinion no shade) bc she wants to see him beg a little more to avoid a) the confrontation about their fucked up relationship that happened from both sides and b) bc it makes her feel worthy of something again bc he didn’t care about her enough in those 4 years he was with others right? then yeah i wouldn’t give my time and energy to get that kind of person back and not bc jungkook wants to be better for her he needs to be better for himself and her never giving him that reassurance is unfair and disgusting bc she can want that from him right?

like i seriously need people like her to just either be direct or get out of that persons life forever. she sees that jungkook has other SERIOUS issues like his mental health and addiction to always downgrade himself as not worthy for any-little-thing but all she focuses on is „omg u did a bet now i can’t be with you and also bc nick wants me on the renaissance tour so ughhh idk everything is so heavy and omg i fainted am having so much stress ugh:((„ like shut the fuck up. she knew what she was getting into when she signed the contract for being a manager could she know how much stress she was getting into? no but that’s no here or there bc she allowed herself to not have a break that is on nobody but herself.

i have so much to discuss about her character but i really don’t want to just know that im tired of her and also thank you for writing something that’s truly new and fresh! i like this story it makes us think and have thoughts about the the chapters in general so yeah i hope you don’t get offended of how i view oc i don’t want to bash your characters ig it just that everyone has a different opinion in certain matters right? still thank you and have a great day! ☺️😊

omg babe you are having some very very interesting thoughts!!!! thank you for reading and for getting invested!!!!!!! 🥺🥺

the characters will have a discussion about a lot of the things that you mentioned soon--mostly in the next chapter--so i'm not going to elaborate much, but again, some very interesting points!! they are people with clear issues, and insecurities ranging from their past relationship to parental trauma to toxic friends. you know what i mean?? and i can't wait to show you what's nextttt!!!! 🤍🤍🤍

adding a spoiler bc i feel like it 🤌🏻

baby you said oc "can’t be serious when it comes to confrontations" and that is going to be one of the key plot points in the upcoming chapters!!!!

their whole relationship, they dealt with the chronic let's-not-talk-about-this illness, you know?? and jungkook is overcoming it! but now that's coming back to bite oc a little bit, because not only does she have to talk too, but she also has to face her demons from the broken relationship she had grown up in

[restforthe-burdenedsoul]

Desperately needing some positivity.

The sad stuff is under the cut. Also trigger warning for DV and spooky happenings.

There’s been so many good changes happening in my soul lately and I wish my environment was matching that. It’s getting hard to battle the two.

Since starting the last job and quitting it all in the same month, I’ve felt a shift in my values and definition of success and happiness. I’m shedding these heavy layers of my past: my parents beliefs, shame and guilt surrounding who I am and the things I’ve done, the future I imagined myself having that was based off of others.

It feels good. It feels freeing. And I want to revel in that for a bit. 

I won’t go into details because I just spent the last two hours trying to worship and meditate but the dark feelings are still here and I can’t shake them and I’m convinced the energy here is bringing unwanted things into my body and this house.

Our roommates fight a lot. The wife reminds me so much of my ex husband. A lot of narcissistic tendencies. Very triggering for me. And I’m trying not to take on that energy and trying not to dwell on all the small memories that keep popping up, but I don’t know how to block them out. So many small and hurtful things I’ve forgotten about my ex and that experience. So much realization of just how badly I was abused.

And I’m watching someone who I know consider a good friend going through the same bullshit. The emotional and controlling abusive bullshit that comes with being with a narcissistic person.

The spooky stuff: Since we moved in, there’s been a lot of happenings. Things falling off the wall, things in the corner of our eyes, footsteps and loud bangs, shadows etc. The roommate/friend is a witch (I’ve never really asked about it, so I’m not sure what that all entails) and I’m very spiritual (Christian- but I hate that term because of the type of person that comes to mind). So we both believe in the other world and have both had experiences. She’s saged (something I don’t believe in, but oh man did that bring about skme stuff) but there’s still something. And I think it’s the negative energy that I’m feeling that keeps cultivating it or inviting things in.

To the point that after a rough day for them today, lots of yelling, which triggered the fuck out of me, I am home alone and still feeling very dragged down. Even after 2 hours of worship which almost always helps me to refocus.

I dunno. Just needing to type this out. I’ve shared a bit with my therapist but like, also don’t wanna get Baker Acted because she starts thinking I’m hallucinating 😅😅

[beach-boyzz]

i'd love to hear about tiramisù (your oc...!)

Hi omg this is like from 83929281919 months ago u dont have to answer but I finally feel like rambling about my ocs again teehee… :3

Tiramisu is 24 years old and he’s a vento aureo oc!! He works for la squadra and is a little bit goofy (he is actually insane)

He spent a lot of his childhood alone with not very many friends, and as he got older he ended up getting cheated on, and having a lot of the only few people he was very close to end up leaving him for other people (even if it wasn’t romantic) Even at home he didn’t really have peace because he was different and did not get social cues, which led to him being seen as weird and yelled at for being rude.

So he honestly grew up rather miserable and moody, very defensive, paranoid and with intense emotions/mood swings he did not know how to regulate. In his youth he also made a lot of bad decisions just so he could feel like there were people who would love him, or not to lose the few people he’d have. Which ended up making it even worse and even made him lose his sense of identity.

Years into the future, he started college, He ends up coming out to his parents. They weren’t supportive and it leads to this huge fight between Tira and his parents because he was dependent on them. Overwhelmed by the emotions, he decided to quit and not deal with them anymore, promising himself he’d find a way to pay what he owed the college on his own.

Due to the strong emotions he felt at the moment, everything hit him at once and awakened his stand, [WEST END GIRLS]. The stands ability is to transform the environment into an abstract world, and matches the emotion of the user. (Mad equals sharpness and glitches in the world, with colors usually associated with anger, and is usually more dangerous as an example) His stand is very draining and he can’t stop it/control it coming out very well, so he doesn’t try to use it often. (As well as the danger to others)

He soon joined Passione, to try and make up the money he owed quickly and also thinking he could use his ability as an advantage. (he was more naive then) When doing Polpo’s trial, Polpo believed the stands ability to bring the user and the target into a warped world could work great for a stealthy assassination so he was assigned to La Squadra. Though as Tira got used to his stand, He used it less and went on missions less (or did not use his stand) and instead helps more with important errands or paperwork.

As the events in Golden Wind happen though, Tira gets more and more stressed until his stand begins to warp his mind. He begins to get in arguments with the other members, distancing himself from everyone and engaging in reckless behaviors. Soon he even leaves.

When he finally sees his team again, He finds Risottos dead body. As well as Anguille, the leader of a team outside of Passione who used to work with the Capo. Overwhelmed with survivor’s guilt and a lack of caring for his own life, he blames Anguille for everything that has happened and attacks him. Anguille’s stand notices before Tiramisu can hurt him and grabs him away. (The stand is made out of large Morray eels, So his arm is crushed and completely bitten into, as well as getting a small bite on his face) Razze, The Capos younger brother then knocks him out with his electric stand, and they leave Tiramisu with Tonno to heal/watch him while they continue to investigate.

When Tiramisu wakes up, He is temporarily untied to be healed by the overly trusting Tonno and he takes this chance to run away and take some money with him. Tiramisu knows he has done too much to return back, and even if his team did survive he could not face them like he did.

[odysseywritings]

Runoff - Establishing the Cast

Sasha looked at a black liquid in a test tube as she wrote notes in a faded notebook. She was unaware of what the others were doing as she focused on the toxicity of the substance floating in the lake. Her pudgy fingers ran through her curly red hair as she scratched off one hypothesis and wrote down another.

Arie read a surviving scrapbook written in a language he did not understand and tried to decode. He saw smiling families from before the war, never again feeling that joy, and he rubbed his head in grief. His long black hair was showing signs of receding despite his youth, and his dark eyes were bloodshot from ongoing nights like these.

Aubrey finished constructing a thick knife that she placed next to Arie, smiling at her handiwork. She wolfed down the rest of some meat, burped, and moved on to paint a picture of humans warring with each other with blood and the red sky popping out. Her pale blonde hair showed traces of graying, and her green eyes intently focused on realism in her art.

Arie spoke up to break the silence as he held the knife comfortably.

“You’re getting better at crafting, Aubrey. Have you thought about guns yet?”

“I think about ‘em in my sleep!” she beamed. “It’s trickier, but if Sasha gives me some pointers, or if you find some old-timey schematic, I’ll be right as rain.”

“We’re not magicians,” Sasha said absent-mindedly. “We would need the right tools and to make sure you don’t blow off your hand.”

“No problem,” Aubrey affirmed. “Arie and I scouted out earlier and he said there’s an old shop full of tools. The more weapons we get, the safer we’ll be.”

“What we really need is better food, water, and shelter. No one will go after us if we mind our own business.”

“Bull-shit if you think we won’t be easy pickin’ for those creeps! I got a good mind to shoot that tattooed fuck and strangle him with his own scorpion flag. You’re smart. You know what that gang does to people just by being in their path.”

“We need both,” Arie chimed. “But we’ll do better if we have numbers on our side. The villages are more fortified than out here in the boonies. If we can find a group that shares our language, we can talk to them and ask them for help.”

“And then we get... What’s that word you used before? Subjugated. No freedom, little payment if we’re not already slaves, and forced to herded around like sheep.”

“I enjoy living in comfort over something as nebulous as independence. You can’t do much research with bullets in you.”

“We’ll be living too comfortably for our own good! Arie, you read history books. There’s always a struggle going on. A large place swallowing up everyone.”

“That’s simplifying it a lot. There’s patterns but it’s not easy to predict. Like if relations between lands grow cold, if the environment changes drastically-”

Aubrey yelled and stood up. “I am not letting any stranger control us, got it? If we need a community, then we’re doing it on our terms! They can join or leave if they want. But we’re survivors! Our minds, our blood, our pain shaped us! Everyone else is dying all the time when there used to be a much better world to live in. I’d rather mold the world than be molded by it!”

Her face wrinkled like a wild cat and she breathed quickly. Arie and Sasha worried for her and did not look away until she sat back down with her painting. Her body calmed as she drew more little men getting stabbed and screaming. Sasha went back to her studies and Arie hesitated before flipping a page in the scrapbook.

Sasha’s eyes darted to the window briefly but she saw something out of place. What looked like a bird shadow passing by turned into a more obvious shape. A head was trying to look inside. Sasha tip-toed away and whispered to Arie and Aubrey. They guided her to a room with a trapdoor to hide in. She shivered in fear as Arie went to the door with his knife sheathed. Aubrey grabbed a shotgun and waited in a nearby room.

“We know there’s someone in there,” a sharp voice yelled out. “I can hear and see from out here. We just want to talk. Census survey.”

Arie rolled his eyes and motioned to Aubrey with hand signal with his pointer high, middle finger outward, and ring and pinky closed. She nodded. He opened the door to reveal 4 leather-clad men with tire irons walking through. A bald man with stubble and piercing blue eyes examined the place.

“Nice place, Mister...”

“Santana.”

“Mm-hmm. It’s just you, then?”

“Yes.”

One of the thugs looked at the art and preceded to take it while crumpling it up. Another saw the test tubes and stuck his finger in the black toxin before tasting it. Arie shuffled around to make sure his back was near a wall.

“Decent place for just one guy. Now... My boys have walked a long way and we need to rest a bit. Say a day or two. Appreciate the hospitality.”

“I didn’t say you could use my home as a billet.”

“I don’t know what that word means, but you misunderstand. We need this more than you. We kindly avoided smashing in this place and this is how you owe us? Tsk tsk. But we’ll find a way to negotiate.”

Arie coughed in a distinctly clear way and stood stoic. “This is my last word to you: Leave.”

“I should’ve figured you wouldn’t know what was good for you.”

Arie saw a man to his right pull out a pistol and Arie coughed the same way again. Aubrey took the signal and shot the man in the head. A man to Arie’s left tried to strike him in confusion but  Arie jumped to the right and slashed the assailant’s throat with Aubrey’s knife.

Aubrey gunned down the remaining goon down in his stupor. Out-manned 2 to 1, the man shook and got down on his knees begging for his life, offering both money or sex servants. They were indifferent. Arie cut the man’s sleeve to reveal a black scorpion tattoo on his muscled arm. Aubrey had hatred storming in her eyes, tempered only by Arie being in fine health.

“Well, Arie,” she said lowering her gun. “You’re the diplomatic one. What’s your Geneva Convention say about guys who piss themselves?”

“He can’t fight back. Let’s tie him up and see if he’s wanted. There might be reward money.”

“Hah! Smart thinking.” She then knelt and looked at the man dead in the eyes. Her voice was monotone and deep. “That man is the only thing stopping me from turning your skull into a soup bowl. I’d recommend treating him nicely.”

He blubbered and nodded excitedly.

///

Tagging for folks who said nice things about the first poem: @bloodlessheirbyjacques @pluttskutt @timisrecs

[iceling4ever]

Yesterday evening I realized that emotional pain is equally as detrimental to the body as physical pain. I have never in my life experience the kind of stress induced emotional heart response pain as I did last night. My whole body started to be in shock mode. Leading to high blood pressure, a pounding headache, heart palpitations, muscle spasms in my calf, stroke like symptoms in my brain, neck and heart. I felt sick to my stomach, couldn’t breathe for a good half hour. Felt nauseous, hungry, feeling of wanting to vomit but can’t. Head was shaking in pain with nerves expanding and contracting. Heart was slowly started pounding and beating abnormally. It was the closest I had to going into cardiac shock. Outwardly, I was on my knees and crying a storm - in agony and pain. Inwardly, I was feeling what I just describe above.

Already exhausted from a lack of sleep from the week. A long day at work, sadness in my mind/ heart and yet I had to come home to a broken home where my dad was screaming and fighting with my mom over lack of helping my mom with household duties because he is too busy enjoying his life going to the elderly center while my mom is alone at home taking care of the family responsibilities- helping me take care of Kayla. Helping my sis take care of Andrew, in charge of household cooking and cleaning, buying groceries and on top of that being exhausted and in pain physical from her many ailments in her body due to Years of overworking and abuse to her body. I appreciate everything my mom has done for me, she has helped me a lot with my daughter. Looking after her while I am working. My daughter is a handful and being in her 70s it’s a challenge for mom. Especially with her neck surgery and pains related to that amongst other things. I know her personality is one that needs everything done and tidy in the house. A trait that I think I picked up from her. As I am that way in my own house. But she is also a type A personality. A person that has no patience and wants everything done now now… I am a type B personality where everything can wait a little with some type A. My husband unfortunately is all type B where it gets to the point that it really affects me deeply. His laziness has no bound. He is always tired even when he sleeps 10+ hours or who is mostly never sober and always either is drunk, feels and acts drunk (from what he claims is exhaustion) or he is puking and vomiting and dizzy. Never a moment where I find him “normal” and that to me is just unacceptable in any culture. He needs to understand he needs to fix himself up. Whether that be going to professional alcoholic rehabiliation or getting treatment. I can’t see myself in a family with him and our daughter if he continues down this path of self destruction. With his current state he can’t help me with Kayla. He can barely help himself. The worse is what is his mom doing to help or control her son. Taking away his money, credit card and driver license. How the fuck does that help?! So stupid! Put him through rehab damn it. Forcing him to work his job and pay for the house mortgage, credit card bills, and his other sibling bills and mother’s bills ?? How is this helping him. My God, the fact that he hasn’t loss his mind in that type of environment and abuse is beyond me. But yet again, maybe this is how he copes with this maternal abuse by abusing himself with alcohol and sleeping to avoid his life problems. The war in Russia and the death of his maternal grandma and death of his father doesn’t seem to help his psyche either. Not to mention his many years of childhood PTSD from having a weapon put to his throat or being hit and abuse growing up for not being an obedient kid. I am sure we each has been through some type of abuse.

I know I had. Last night’s body reaction is to that abuse - getting yelled at by my father for not doing more to take care of my daughter and that he should be allow to live his life and enjoy the elderly center and that my mom shouldn’t have to work so hard to raise my child that it’s my husband and my responsibility to watch our child. As mom was complaining to dad to help out more instead of going to the elderly center 7 days a week and avoiding all family obligations and responsibilities as mom is exhausted and tired and her body is breaking down. I know exactly how my mom feels. Not until I became a mom did I understand the implications of how much pain, suffering and sacrifices, mothers make and how fuckin little fathers and men do to help. Not saying there aren’t any good men or dads but very rare. Most are as selfish as they come. Doing the most minimal. They think just because they work and earn money it’s enough. Even my dad, growing up he did nothing for us. He just went to work everyday and earn money. Mom did that and on top of that cook, clean and raised us as best as she could. Dad didn’t bat an eye. He felt he already did enough by giving us a roof over our head. Barely interacting with us. I am on this app, call Peanut, and I see through other women’s eyes, mostly all men are the same. Not maternal, not loving and do the most minimal and complains they are tired and doing too much. Sometimes I think it’s better to just be single and don’t have to put up with this shit!

But I digress… I can swear to God, I have already put in my 200% effort into my daughter, into this family I created, into myself and into my job and my apartment. My body is breaking down. I don’t know how much more I can do. I am just one person. I am dying and breaking down. My body reaction is telling me, I am dying. Every day I don’t get enough sleep. I barely have time to sleep, eat, shower. Some weeks I would go days without showering or washing my hair. I am just too tired and exhausted after putting my daughter to sleep to go do it. I am passing out. And the many task I need to do on my phone or bills I need to pay or whatever task I need to do gets push to the back burner and when I find a moment in the night after my daughter is put to sleep I actually get to do whatever task it is. And then my dad see me on the phone doing those tasks and he assumes I am fooling around on my phone and not sleeping. His judgment without context is too harsh. Meanwhile he is always on his phone texting and trying to impress this one elderly man at the elderly center. That man around the same again as what his father would had been. I think he still trying to seek that approval and love from his own father that he never got. That’s why he likes that man so much and feels he needs to get his approval or favoritism. Being the youngest child in his family of 5 siblings and without his mom at the age of 10, it must had been really tough for him. I don’t know. My mom being the oldest child of 5 siblings must had been difficult for her life too. Because of all she had to erase from her life - the hiding of her pregnancy from the government due to the one child policy, the sneaking around without any help from her husband because he was gone working in another region of the country. The abuse and hardship she endured. The tears she shed, no one would ever understand. The pain of losing her child. The pain of persecution. The abuse from family and neighbors and outsiders because she had to raise three kids by herself. Only she would understand how I feel. And maybe because of this she feels this need to help me. She doesn’t want me to endure and suffer the same fate and hardships. And yet it seems fate is cruel and unforgiving that I also must suffer similar fates.

It all comes out, the “fight/argument “ is over many things but at the top is that mom is doing too much and I am doing not enough and my dad doesn’t want to do anything cause he feels is not his responsibility. Dad makes a good point that he should be allow to enjoy the remainder of his life and my mom should too. And whatever help they give me is out of the goodness of their heart. They are right. But at the same token I am already bending forward and backwards. I am working a full time job, I am managing too households - my apartment and my parents place, I am putting my daughter to sleep at night and I am stressed at work and in my personal life. Each day at work I am exhausted yet forcing myself to work hard and get work done because I am one of the slower workers and so much work to do. In my apartment I am the only one cleaning, tidying and putting things inside (packages), paying the mortgage, bills, maintenance. In my personal life my health is shit. I am always in pain, my weight has skyrocketed from the stress and hormonal imbalance and everywhere literally hurts. Then my husband is a loser and doesn’t help me with anything. He thinks the small measly child support money is doing a lot. Which it isn’t. Every few days after work I need to drop off things to my apartment or I need to go do errands and tasks such as buy Kayla groceries or diapers/wipes or whatever it might be. I never had a moment to breathe and yet everyone thinks I have so much free time and doing so much “fun stuff”. I still owe a big money debt to my ex-boyfriend which is an unfortunate life lesson for being tricked, robbed from an online lover whom was deceitful as fuck. He probably isn’t even just one person but maybe a group of people pretending to be one person and using someone else’s photos. It was horrible he used God to deceive and trick me. And he used my own burden and pain to trick me. It was just a mess. But that’s a whole other story. I know in my own heart and God knows I have done over my limits with my daughter and with keeping my family afloat. It’s difficult when you are a single mother.

Next you ask, then why don’t you let your mother in law (Kayla paternal mother or family) help you. Well, she could barely take care of herself and her own kids. Her son (my husband) has an addiction problem alcohol, vape and cigarettes. And what she do for him? She enables him. Then her younger daughter has PTSD, psychosis and mental health issues amongst emotional damage from her emotional/mental abuse growing up among other problems. Her younger son who seems okay is only okay because he avoids her and doesn’t do much interaction with MIL and does his own thing. Now she already has her hands full. On top of that she also likes to abuse alcohol and wine and is promiscuous with men and has abusive tendencies in the men she chooses in her life. Has expensive lifestyle and taste and the men she sleeps with are abusive in one form or another. Why would I want my daughter around this type of influence and danger. Also when I was pregnant she never trusted me. She thinks I am hiding everything and to be honest, if her son didn’t love me, she had her hand in the relationships and kick me out a long time ago as just her son’s casual fuck and companion of the week. But because her son fell in love with me and refuse to leave me regardless of how hard I tried to push him away, she has no choice but accept the status quo. I know she probably loves her kids like all mothers do, but her control and approach for each and all her kids is messed up and wrong. Because she is my elder, I won’t tell her off but I also don’t see her as a fit person to look after my daughter. The only Person in this world I truly trust is my mom.

Growing up being a girl was very rough. I was sexually abused by my extended family members and family member friend at different moments in my childhood. Not at the same time but different times. These people know who they are! And that shame will linger with them for the rest of their lives I am sure. I don’t need to call out who they are. I am sure they know as they were older than me when it all happened. Because of this I don’t trust anyone! I especially don’t trust anyone with my daughter. That’s also why I don’t want anyone looking after my daughter but my mom. And my MIL house has too many people there. Too many suspicious men. As for my apartment, I don’t want anyone here but me and my daughter. I don’t trust anyone to be frank. When I knew I was carrying a daughter I was so frightful. Afraid that she would grow up with sexual abuse, afraid that she might get my PCOS, endometriosis or other health issues. I fear it all. I would be less scared with a son. In this society women always get abused in one form or another. It’s crazy! Growing up I was always more mature than my age, having curves with big boobs and butt, also had inappropriate men attention. Attention that I did not want. I was cute and attractive that was also a problem. My daughter is cute and most likely will turn out attractive. That’s why I worry for her in this world. Her father is oblivious to all this because he is one of those men that thinks Sex at a young age is okay and that women should be allow to date, kiss and explore. Is he nuts?! 🤦🏻‍♀️ I guess that’s the European side of him. I am not as forward thinking. I think there should be boundaries and that’s why I love Christianity and God. Because it provides Guidelines and boundaries!

My head still hurts as I write all this. But I write it to get my message across, I might die the next day who knows. My body is breaking down. I thought last night I might had a stroke and died. That’s how bad my body reaction to my dad was. I know with my full heart that I am doing the best I can. I can’t do any more than what I have already done for my family and for the family I have created. I only ask my other family members, my sister, BIL, father, bro and grandma to help out my mom as much and as best as possible. I know my mom’s personality, helping out just means they need to do their own part and help themselves and don’t give extra work to mom. Clean up after themselves, look after their own things and in occasion help look after Kayla while mom is doing a task. I don’t think it’s too much to ask for. But maybe to them they think it’s a lot to ask for. I only wish they understand how difficult life has been for mom and me. Having similar illnesses as my mother I know very well how she feels and I think she knows how I feel. And for that reason I feel she pities me and helps me as much as she can. I appreciate her help and never take it for granted.

In my life, I have predicted that I won’t live past 50 years old. I hope I am wrong. I hope my past recurrent dreams are wrong as well. I would really like to see my daughter be a grown-up and married before I leave this world. In the past before the existence of my daughter I always questioned why I was allow to live and why I was still alive. I had severe mental depressions as a child due to the sexual abuse, mental and physical abuse and the pressures and stress from parents to be smart and perfect. Something I will never be - smart nor perfect. I am flawed in every way and so broken inside beyond repair. At 15, I tried to commit suicide and contemplated that this was it, time to go… just to have missionaries from my current church come knock on my parents door and saved me and converted me to Christianity. The elder at the time Elderly P told me he had a dream that someone needed saving around my neighborhood. God is good! So started my relationship with God at 15. But each moment throughout my life I have been tested over and over again … nothing ever good … so when others say they know how difficult life is and they understand. until you walk a mile in my shoes, you don’t know SHIT. Don’t judge what you don’t understand.

My health issues is another story - having a small brain tumor, having pressure palsy, numbness in both hands, fingers and arms, PCOS , painful menstruation, inability to hold my bladder urine, possible endometriosis, pain on my right side quadrant. Bone pain with my neck, spine, lower back, compressed nerves. Pain with in my feet, toes, knee when I walk. My whole body is breaking down … obesity, hormonal imbalance, metabolic syndrome, slow metabolism - you name it, I got it …

When will life get better? Will it ever get better ? What is my life purpose. Why did my mom keep me while my second sis is dead. The guilt of losing second is probably the reason to keep me. What mom doesn’t love their child. Especially they carry it for 9 months. Being a mom is not easy… it’s one of the hardest Jobs in the world and not always the most rewarding. I love my daughter and would die protecting my daughter. I don’t want her to suffer the same fate as me. I want her to grow up carefree and blessed and happy - I need her to know her mom loves her very much. Just as I know my mom loves me even though my mom doesn’t know how to express that emotion in words. But her physical actions show. Growing up I was most happy when I was sick, because it meant that mom had to be home to take care of me, feed me, give me medication and look after me and physically just be there. Sometimes when I was younger I would wish I would get sick or ill with a cold or whatever just to get mom’s love and attention. Crazy huh? My daughter don’t need to wish for that. I will make sure to provide her with the love, attention, praise she seeks. It’s so important in a child’s development and mindset to have this feeling that she/he is loved. I, for one, know that better than any one else.

4/28/23

(Written 4/29/23)

[oceanforblues]

Things to ask Ashley

Can my mom go for therapy with manulife

My father died when I was 6 ish. My mum remarried about 7 years ago to this doctor man. But he’s not really capable of being a family man. He has autism and it never got treated. In fact all his life he was spiked and never really taught how to manage his symptoms. So at this age he’s around 65 but he doesn’t know how to act according to his emotions. Like for example he is from India and we’re from Bangladesh. He’s a very patriotic person in a sense that he even listens to political debates from back home. I don’t know if you know but those debates usually have people yelling at each other from across the room or over a zoom call. He enjoys watching that stuff. But the thing is because he can’t handle his autism he takes the energy and emotion from the debate and takes it out on us. For example you can ask him to pass the salt while he’s watching those shows and he will immediately say something like “I don’t understand why you people keep poking at me” or “oh my god wait one minute like I just said” even though you only asked him to pass the salt once. He doesn’t know how to handle himself or carry himself. He also smokes indoors. He doesn’t do it in front of my brother because he would lose it. He does it in front of me because as always I am the one who needs to be understanding and for some reason I need to the one to hold the secrets. I told my mum that either she tells him to stop smoking indoors or I don’t want him in the house. Because it’s my minimum requirement for someone who is sharing a space with us. My mum always says that we should consider it because we are not his blood and he feels like a stranger here. But until how long can we adjust? Have I not adjusted to the mood swings and bipolar ness? He smokes in the toilet which I don’t say anything. He smokes I’m the main bedroom. My only requirement is that he doesn’t smoke in the living room. I get my mums point and I get that at this age you can’t really change habits especially because he’s autistic but until when will they consider me and my brother?

Even with friends you know i always felt like a second option even though I put everyone as my first. Even now i always put my mum as first priority and her comfort is everything to me. But because of the way I speak to him and how I get upset at his shit habits she thinks I don’t care about anyone else but myself. She has said this to me that I don’t care about her or this family. How the fuck am I supposed to care when they are like this? When my mum literally wants to die and this man is more of a burden than someone at a vegetative state? I am stuck between wanting to care but I don’t want to go back to being the main like for this family. I don’t want to be the Cheeto piece holding the door in place. Fragile.

It feels like my mum is estranged from me at this point. She sounds like she’s living for the sake of living and not because she wants to live for me or even my brother. I know a lot of my problems will be solved if she went to therapy herself. But I don’t even know how to bring it up. Should I bring it up even? Or should I focus on myself and my own healing journey. But I can’t heal because the environment I live in is so chaotic and overall so unstable for my health.

It feels like my mom doesn’t really care what I do anymore. I could not be nursing and I could be doing something entirely different and she’s be indifferent about it. I feel like if she were to die tomorrow she wouldn’t be unhappy about it. It’s weird because I’m the one who craves connection with people all the time. I crave connections with friends, with family. I want us to be happy. But I feel like my mum doesn’t even want to get better or has the motivation to even take control of her life. And is it even my responsibility to help her heal to guide her?

I just feel like I have the most broken family out of everyone I know. It would make me feel at least a little better if I was close with my sibling but even he is estranged. I don’t think I did anything wrong. But I think he genuinely thinks I’m not capable of creating a bind with him because I’m the one yelling and trying to get people to function like a normal family. He thinks I’m probably too emotional to understand. I don’t know what he thinks but from knowing him it feels as though he looks at me in a condescending manner BECAUSE I’m emotional and have feelings.

Am I highly sensitive? I can’t stand some noises thag people make and it gives me literal migraines when it shouldn’t. Like I can’t stand people coughing. During exams when it’s dead silent and I’m trying to concentrate on my exam, I hate it when people cough or sniff their nose or even when a pencil falls. I also can’t stand people shaking their leg and mouth breathers. They give me literal migraines. I have to turn the other way when someone is shaking their leg because it messes up mt head too much.

[sleepydrabbles]

And please for the love of god do it even when your anxiety says they don’t.

I can already hear someone yelling “how tf do I know if it’s anxiety or not”

Here’s the thing: actions do speak louder than words, and sometimes anxiety speaks louder than actions. Funnily enough, you can beat it at its own game.

Keep in mind this is what worked for me. I HOPE it works for you, but if it doesn’t I’m sorry. I’m not a therapist, just a very anxious person.

So first: pattern recognition. Anxiety recognizes patterns, but it recognizes all patterns as bad and dangerous. Go for the jugular and question it (it’s exhausting, I know, I kNOW.)

Anxiety also creates patterns. I know when I’m about to freak because the world fuzzes out, sentences start to slip in one ear and out the other, and I become more sensitive to having my ‘bubble’ invaded. I don’t get the stomach cramps. Idek who gets stomach cramps. If you do I’m sorry. Heart palpitations are rare and a huge red flag. For me my biggest tell is this: I’m presented with the opportunity to interact, and the lizard brain kicks in. It does not matter if every interaction for the past three weeks or more has been positive. I am suddenly convinced they hate me. There is no actual evidence, ever. It’s always some small random thing. “They haven’t texted today” but when they DO text, there’s a jolt of pure fear (which for me means avoidance, I usually close whatever app I’m using and turn off my phone so they can’t realize I was active). Know your patterns.

Also, recognize you don’t always have to force yourself to push through the anxiety. Frankly, every time I do I’m exhausted, and although I have very kind, sensitive friends who recognize when I’m in low-power mode and work with it, I still deal with a lot of guilt around the idea that it could take so much energy to be around people I love so much, who also love me as much as OP has said. If you know that that guilt will send you into a spiral, don’t force yourself. Leave the interaction for later if you can.

But! One rule for letting yourself avoid!

Make a promise to yourself (and yourself ONLY) that you’ll interact with them once it’s over. From my experience, you’ll feel super nervous and scared for a few minutes, and then as you realize that the friend is still being their lovely wonderful self the anxiety will recede for a moment, and it’ll be okay again.

Once again, my experience. But the key here is self-compassion. Love yourself enough to know your own patterns, tics, and triggers, and to step away from people when you need it. Love yourself enough to also gently rustle yourself out of bed (even if you have to roll like a hot dog in a convenience store, fall on the floor, and pretend to fight your blankets before you can stand up!), get clean (whatever that means for you- for me it means a full shower but goddamn if that doesn’t take AGES, and I know people who have less energy than I do during episodes), and go see one person who, logically (the logically bit is important!) cares very deeply about you. Even if seeing them is starting the weirdest conversation you’ve ever started.

I know, I know, every day’s a battle, but you’ve won the war so far. Let yourself take this next battle at your pace. Control what flow you can, and if you can’t, be gentle. Coming from someone who tried the cold water method for getting out of a dissociative anxiety attack, being gentle takes more time and it’s a lot harder, but it makes coming up out of the muck wayyyyyy less stressful.

To condense this advice: act like you’re taking care of a scared toddler. That’s really what anxiety is. A scared toddler looking for a little safety. Dunking the toddler in a cold bath might work, but they’d probably also scream and cry and howl for hours after. Warm bath, auditory control, safe foods, an environment you know, and a person you can trust. I’ve gone through periods where I have to do it every night, but I’d rather do it every night than, well… (war flashbacks to the ice water shower) yeah.

For goodness sakes, my dearest ones, spend your time with people who like you. People who listen when you speak, who are happy to hear from you, who laugh with you, who care about the things you care about, simply because it's you who cares about them. Surround yourself with people who get excited for your successes, people who mourn your losses, who sing your praises! Fill your days with people who make small talk, who ask you how you are, and who care, truly care, about the answer. Spend your evenings with people who talk about how beautiful the moon is, how deep the ocean, how the sunlight shifts across the bright leaves of trees as the wind rustles through...

My darlings, please, for the love of all that's good, spend your time with people who like you.

[punkpandapatrixk]

🌱The Story of Your Character Development🍊—Timeless Tarot Pick A Card

Just an overview to help you understand where you came from and how far you've come. You're doing great, sweetie~🥰As long as you keep believing in your innate goodness, you'll only continue towards where the rainbows🌈peaches🍑sunshine🌞and cherry blossoms are~🌸

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Our reality is essentially the creation of our subconscious desires—as within so without and all that stuff. However, the composition of our subconscious mind is often littered with absolute noise created by our environment. If you grew up not too well—if your caretakers were monsters, gaslighters, and so on—there’s gonna be more confusion in there.

It requires strength and courage to remain faithful to the tunes of one’s own original music that comes from the Soul. Wouldn’t you feel better developing your true divinity—the higher aspect of your identity—rather than people’s idea of what you should become?

Pile 1 – Wounded Healer

Priestesses of Ambition & Healing

Green Alchemist (Nicolas Flamel)

Where you came – 5 of Wands

Chaos. Pure chaos. Conflicts, sense of alienation, people backstabbing each other, people cheating, manipulating, you name it. Just, pure, purely ugly world, in a manner of speaking. Why a child should be born in such an environment is such a mystery—maybe karma, maybe… dharma.

If karma, it’s probably some fucked up bloodline curse shit. If dharma, it’s probably the case that you’re a healer meant to stop the curse from running through the next bloodline. And none of this is a walk in the park. This is walking on hot ember on the way out of hell.

At any rate, there was always a lot of noise—yelling and screaming—in your psyche. It was a battle you fought to keep your sanity. On the one hand you didn’t want to become like your environment, but on the other, you were moulded by it—you almost didn’t have a chance to not become somewhat similar to it.

How far you’ve come – Page of Cups

You fought your battles and you’ve won. You are… beginning to master your emotions. You’re trying to be the one in control. You’re learning to be a good person. You’re detaching yourself a lot from what you used to be in the past. None of that was ever you anyway.

You feel responsible for the way you were, but you’re also accepting that people can always start anew. You have hopes in your heart. You know here is only your beginning. And you’re mature enough to understand not everybody is gonna be happy with your development, transformation, even. Some hyenas are gonna wanna convince you of what you used to be.

They’re gonna wanna drag you down to hell again. But this time, you’re saying, ‘no more’ and ‘fuck off’. Fuck you very very much, I’m outta here—I’ve got to meet my destiny. And so you will!

What’s in store – Knight of Cups Rx

Not gonna lie—it’s still not gonna be easy ahead. What can I say? You’re only beginning, fam. Of course a lot of things are confusing if you’re starting anew with so little guidance. Alright? Don’t be too hard on yourself. If anything, you’re really turning into a hero because you’re gonna make it against all odds.

Sometimes, you may feel like the world has once again turned against you, but… FALSE! You’re just dealing with remnants of your trauma (even abuse in some cases). PTSD is a hard shit to deal with and you may want to read up recurring nightmares, flashbacks, general anxiety that comes with PTSD, and all that stuff.

To be honest with you, very little of that would help without real spiritual work. But who’s to say you can’t overcome that? And let me share a little secret with you: subliminals for self-love and detaching from traumas are really gonna help tons. There are also reiki sessions for that if you’re more into that. All for free on YouTube~

Higher Self Guidance🔻❤️

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Pile 2 – World Traveller

Priestesses of Magick & Innocence

Red Geographer (Marco Polo)

Where you came – 8 of Cups

You’re someone who’s parented yourself growing up. Like Matilda, I think. -I haven’t watched that movie.- I think the home environment you grew up in was almost devoid of love, if not, at least it was very emotionally unfulfilling. Growing up, you dreamed of alternate realities or faraway futures where you are more appreciated for the sensitivity/gentleness/kindness/uniqueness that was inherently you. You were sad a lot.

You’ve always had this inner knowing deep within yourself: surely everybody was born to be loved. But for your immediate reality was so disappointing, you found it really hard to cope with day to day life. You daydreamed a ton. In psychology this may be called maladaptive daydreaming, but heck, this was the only way you knew to cope, lest you wouldn’t survive.

Quite frankly, this world hasn’t been exceedingly fair with you. I think you’ve lost a lot—emotionally and spiritually. You’ve had your faith in new people and new situations destroyed way too many times for a single human being to endure. You’d wanted to give up way too many times to count.

How far you’ve come – King of Wands

And yet, here you are and you’ve managed to keep your fire burning. How’d you do that? Only you and God knows, damn. Most people would probably never understand the sorrow you’ve had to endure and they only see the exterior in which you appear to be infallible.

They say you’re strong and amazing, but deep down, you wish they’d appreciate you for your weak moments, too. You want to be held like a child, but this you can’t show to anybody because… simply, nobody gets that. Nobody expects you to have this weakness.

One way or another, you’re just a badass and you’re on top of everyone else. And you’ll continue to be that and more. Right now, there’s not a lot to worry about because you’ve proven to this sickly world that you’re indestructible. It’s your game now. You’re making the rules. -Hope you don’t lose your purity on the path towards greatness.-

What’s in store – Queen of Pentacles

Well, well, well… A mother figure, indeed. Isn’t it quite lovely? This isn’t saying an actual mother, to be honest. Could even be a boyfriend/girlfriend/just friend who understands you deeply (like a mother should) and sees the deepest layers of who you are.

Someone who understands you on a Soul level. Someone who holds you like a child, someone who holds you so tight all your broken pieces stick back together again. Someone loyal who will stay for a long time, if not forever. With them, you feel stable. Safe, secure, taken care of.

On top of that, you’re gonna be rich. Filthy rich—no, I’m kidding, you’re not filthy. But wow, are you gonna be ssooo wealthy. Everything is ssooo gonna be alright and never a day again you feel like you’re lacking anything—not passion, not soul, not money, not whatever. Sounds like ultimate happiness to me. How does that sound to you~?

Higher Self Guidance🔻💚

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Pile 3 – Ah… Hello, Starseeds~

Priestesses of Good Fortune & Luck

Gold Astronomer (John Dee)

Where you came – Ace of Swords Rx

You’re someone who’s always had a vision—a clear one at that—of what Life on this Planet should look like. At the very least, what Life should look like for yourself; it was an innate knowing you wouldn’t have been able to communicate with the adults around you. Not even to your peers. Somehow, there’s just a feeling that you’re different. There’s something exquisitely kind and pure about the way you perceive the world. But that became your downfall.

Constantly feeling like you aren’t fitting in, you doubted yourself a lot and actually tried to be just like everyone else. It’s only natural—people want to feel that they belong. Being ostracised is not a fun thing. So on the path towards growing up, you lost a lot of yourself. You lost your vision and forgot what you came to Earth to do.

Essentially, you’re an advanced Soul. You’ve come from advanced civilisations off-planet on other planes of existence, in other words, you’ve known Life beyond Planet Earth on other dimensionalities. You must resonate with either being a Lightworker or a Starseed; mind you, those two things are very different. Losing your vision also means losing communication with your Star Families residing in the Higher Realms.

How far you’ve come – 7 of Wands

You threw away your inner compass and tried to assimilate yourself to life on Earth as a human being. In a manner of speaking, this is your betraying your Soul’s Essence. The result? A continual sense of losing everything you know about yourself. I’m sure your Star Families have catapulted you into what they term spiritual awakening and it almost killed you, probably, in a sense.

You were quite literally thrown into hell, or more accurately, thrown into a process of realising that you had been heading towards hell all along. All of the ideas/dreams/life goals you had were never part of your Soul’s original plan and now, they must go out the window and you must press the fucking restart button. It was world-shattering to say the least.

But here you are. You managed to survive. One way or another, you miraculously dodged death and your fucking enemies are obliterated—at least, aetherically. And now, quite honestly, you feel like you’re on top of the world. Even if it isn’t yet looking like that, you know things can only get better from here. Cuz now, you’re doing your own thing and it feels damn good to finally be yourself.

What’s in store – 3 of Pentacles Rx

The path ahead may still be a little lonely. Like, you will still need to tread alone and try your best to keep out external noises. What else can you do? You’ve only just begun. Like a butterfly that’s only been born, it needs to work hard on its own to get out of the cocoon. A butterfly should not receive help at this phase lest their wings don’t gain the strength to fly—this is real!

Rest assured though, it’s all gonna be worth it. Because, if it’s any consolation, when your Life is finally what it should look like—like your original vision when you were just a kid—those who have ever doubted you or tried to discourage you will be so, so, so ashamed of themselves. You have so much Good Luck and Fortune in store for you. You’re probably already receiving trickles of this good vibe even now.

Just you wait, one day a shooting star will fall out of nowhere and your entire world is gonna fucking flip in all the best ways, and then… you won’t even remember having had the hardships you’ve gone through. It’s aaallllll gonna be so worth it because you’re meant to inspire and change the world for the better! You ARE the exam-fucking-ple~

Higher Self Guidance🔻💙

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[ratbaguett-e]

Dazai x GN! Reader

~ Dazai teases you and you’ve had enough. You confront him about it and decide to take matters into your own hands. However, just when you think you have control over him he proves you wrong ~

You guys aren’t in a relationship, reader is slightly Tsundere but not in a cringe way just trust me, bondage, use of a spreader bar, giving head (Reader receiving), daddy kink, Dom! Reader first and then Dazai pulls a sneaky on you, the end

- Enjoy and feel free to leave a BSD request 🤕💙

Fukuzawa and the rest of the team welcomed you to the Armed Detective Agency with open arms and held a celebration in honor of your recruitment. This relieved you since you didn’t know how reliable you seemed as a non-gifted, but the immense hospitality was very reassuring. Over time you guys became colleagues, yes, but also friends.

Dazai had always been especially friendly with you. He could read people very well and noticed that you were shy and not yet comfortable. Thankfully he’s someone who can initiate a conversation and keep it going, this was a blessing to you because you never could have done this yourself. Dazai’s specialty was making wallflowers or new comers who felt anxious about the change an environment feel comfortable. Or so you thought. It was revealed to you by Yosano that while Osamu Dazai was quite the extrovert, he doesn’t do that with just anybody.

In two months it will be a year since you joined the ADA as a crime scene investigator. You collected evidence and made sure it got into the proper hands to be analyzed and, because of your keen eye, you couldn’t help but notice that Yosano was right. Dazai did act differently towards you. Out of your peripheral you caught him staring quite a bit. Whenever he walked by your designated area he seemed to almost hover, sometimes stopping to tease you like always.

Today, as you got dressed in uniform, you prepared yourself for Dazai’s antics. Would it be a compliments and suggestive innuendoes day or one of his touchy days? You would die before admitting this to anyone, but while the compliments were flattering and the innuendos never failed to make you blush, that warm and skillful touch of his really did it for you. Yet you always let out a “tsk” and shoved him away, insisting that you found him annoying to keep that secret to yourself.

Today he caught you on the first floor where the café was. You had been assigned by Ranpo to bring him back a piece of cake since you’d be down there anyway ordering a coffee for yourself. Now here you are. At a booth. With Dazai. Waiting for your drink and Ranpo’s cake. They seemed to be taking forever on purpose.

Thing is rather than sitting across from you Dazai had squeezed himself into the booth right next to you, trapping you between his slender body and the window.

“I haven’t seen you all day Y/N! Oh how I missed you~” he said in a cheesy voice.

You let out an “annoyed” groan.

“I was actually doing quite great without your incessant nagging. I got a lot of work done and didn’t have to keep my head on a swivel to be given some space.”

He leaned back with a dreamy sigh, clasping his hands over his heart.

“Oh my sweet angel has been working so hard! Clearly you deserve some form of compensation my dear…” he bats is eyes at you, leaning in closer to your face.

It almost makes you crack a smile but you manage to suppress it as your eyes twitch.

“Y/N? Your cake and latte are ready!” A kind waitress yells for you.

“That’s me…,” you say, expecting him to move so you can get out of the booth.

You look behind him at your- well, Ranpo’s food, and your drink sitting on the counter near the pick-up area. By the time you look back at him he’s gotten even closer. The people behind him probably can’t see you from behind is broad shoulders. The look in his eyes was something different too, softer but swimming with emotion.

“One last thing before you go,” even closer now, you feel a blush rise to your face that you can’t suppress.

He notices. He lifts your chin up to look him in the eye. Oh god. He’s touching you. You feel a warmth tingle inside of your belly and your blush darkens, he can’t help but almost chuckle at how comically wide your eyes are. He’s so close, he’s so warm, he-

“Could you print something off for me?”

That’s it?! You try to calmly reply, making sure not to visibly deflate in front of him, “…Yes… is that all?”

Not that you were hoping there’d be more or anything. Of course not.

“I’m afraid so. thank you my little worker bee!”

He’s back to his usual chipper self, his voice going up again from the sultry tone he was using just mere seconds ago. He still doesn’t get up from the booth.

“Uhm… Dazai, if you don’t mind I’d like to grab my stuff please. I need to head back-,”

Oh but do you have too~” he whines.

You huff out a sigh, “YES Dazai my break ends in roughly five minutes.”

It’s his turn to let out a sigh now.

“I guess…” that smirk is back. No. NO dear god what is it now?

The fucker still doesn’t move. His arms are crossed behind his head, eyes closed and that stupid, handsome- stupid smirk is still on his stupidly stupid and completely average face which is stupid.

“Dazai I need you to move please.”

“Oh, but…” he grunts the last word with a dramatic stretch. “I’m just so so comfortable…” Ugh.

You would crawl under the table but that’s embarrassing, plus his legs are stretched out all the way taking up the space between the booth across from you guys. You wouldn’t have any room. A sense of dread fills your gut and your face heats up again. You’re going to have to crawl over him. That’s why he was looking so smug, that’s what he wants you to do. Of fucking course.

You swallow your pride and scoot closer to him, look away to exhale, and continue. You finally get close, close enough to see the spacing between each of his eyelashes.

“Uh… I’m just gonna…” you put all your weight back on your hands and lift your hips up off the seat.

You put one arm on the the other side of him in a crab walk, your leg follows. You’re about to slide on out of the booth when you feel his big and warm hands grab your hips and pull you down, you let out a noise of surprise. He’s holding you down on his lap, you think you might die. Your entire body heats up, you probably look so red, oh god. His hands move up to your waist, holding you just below the ribs. The feeling of him basically caressing your body makes you stir in his lap. He grips you tighter, pulling you back against him even more. You feel his breath right against your ear.

“Careful,” he says in that same deep, sultry tone from earlier.

He carefully and slowly uncurls his fingers from around you but you’re too stunned to move. He chuckles and wraps his arms completely around your waist and returns his mouth to your ear.

“As much as I’d love you to stay you do have work to finish,” god that voice.

You finally snap back into reality and gently shove his arms off you, slide the rest of the way out of the booth and leave with your things in hand.

On the elevator ride back up to the office you noticed that you were lightly sweating. You could’ve bashed your head against the wall at how obvious you were. He’s got to know how really feel now, how embarrassing.

Still in a daze, you uncaringly tossed the bag with Ranpo’s cake in it onto his desk to which he yelled in a panic, “Careful with the merchandise!,” as you went back to your own desk with your coffee in hand.

Ranpo had an idea as to what had you so suddenly aloof, he saw Dazai head to the café earlier. The detective decided to be merciful and not talk about it considering your current mood.

You carried on the rest of the day without Dazai interacting with you at all.

“Tch, good,” you thought to yourself. “Maybe now I’ll get some peace and quiet.”

You knew deep down that you wanted him to touch you, make you flustered as he always did. You wanted him bad.

It wasn’t too late when you got out. President Fukuzawa dismissed you all early since the recent case was wrapped up after nearly two weeks of endless paperwork. As you were getting packed up, Dazai approached you again, you held your breath.

“Y/N…” you looked up at him, urging him to go on.

“I really meant it when I said you’d been working very hard recently. Because of that I’d like to treat you tonight if you don’t mind.”

You froze, was he being for real?

“Are you being for real?” You asked out loud.

He huffed out a small laugh, his hands going into his pockets.

“Yes I am being for real. I know a small place just near my apartment. It’s not too fancy but they have your favorite dish… so I’ve been thinking of taking you for a while.”

He looked away from you nervously biting his lip. He said too much. Were you going to ask how he knew what your favorite food was? How long had he gone wanting to ask you out? Fuck.

To his surprise you replied rather calmly with a, “Yes I’d love to.”

You’d love to. You’d love to. You grabbed your bag and drove the two of you to the restaurant as he gave you directions. You had the time of your life.

———————————————————————————

It had been a lovely dinner. However, you were both young adults and as most people would expect one thing led to another and now here you are in Dazai’s apartment being led to his bedroom. As soon as his bedroom door was shut your hands were on each other. You two made out with your hands going everywhere. His jacket was off. Your jacket was off. As soon as you came through the door shoes were off as well. Soon enough you were both bare, except for Dazai’s bandages. As you two kissed he tangled his hand in your hair and brought you closer, pressing his tongue against your lips.

You opened your moth to accommodate him but he ended up pulling away with a smirk and asking, “What’s that for? Expecting something bigger?”

You rolled your eyes and shoved him onto the bed, his back now flat against the mattress and his head between the pillows.

“I’ve had enough of your teasing…,” you said before continuing, “…for almost a year you’ve done nothing but mess with me and you knew what you were doing.”

His smirk widens into a grin.

“Well I was hoping you’d pick up on the hints but you never did. Remember it took me asking you on a date that got us here in the first place.”

You scoff, “Well it’s like you said earlier. I do deserve some compensation for working so hard do I not?,” you retort.

He chuckles, loving your boldness, little do you know…

“Well then…,” he starts, “If you really want complete control then there’s a pair of handcuffs in my jacket.”

You like that idea. You walk over to his coat on the floor and find the handcuffs, you walk back over and put them on his wrists.

“What’s up first on the itinerary sweetheart? Do you plan on ravaging me or making me wait. I have other toys for you to use ya know.”

You roll your eyes, “I might gag you if you don’t stop mocking me.”

His eyes grow wide. Since when did you become such a control freak? Your attractive boldness and dominance makes him want to overthrow you even more, he loves a challenge, and he really loves humbling people.

“If you’re so intent on keeping me quiet I recommend bandages. Oh! Or maybe a handkerchief…. So many options.”

You put a hand around his throat and his smile gets impossibly wider feeling the pressure on both sides of his neck. His eyes were shiny and full of mirth. He teasingly let out a loud moan as you tightened your grip.

“You really are insufferable,” you state before walking over to his dresser and opening the top drawer where the bandages and extra cloth were.

Funny, there was nothing in there.

As soon as you were about to turn back around a handkerchief was placed over your eyes. You gasp as you feel yourself being lifted from where you’re standing and being thrown back onto the bed.

“Sorry for the scare darling, I just needed to get you distracted.”

You hear the snap of his fingers and what you assume is the clinking of the handcuffs coming undone.

“H-hey what’re you doing?!”

He did as you did to him earlier and put the cuffs on you, wrapped the chain around one of the metal bars in his bed frame, and secured them.

“I want to show you what I’ve been hoping all that flirting and teasing would lead to.”

You desperately yanked on the handcuffs above your head.

He continued, “Don’t act like you want to escape. I know all of the corrupt things that intensify your sexual pleasure. After observing your reactions to all of my teasing, I think I’ve mapped out exactly what you want me to do.”

He was right, you loved this, every second of it. All of those lewd fantasies of yours don’t compare to what’s happening to you right now.

Finally, having your hands cuffed, eyes covered, and Dazai’s mouth back on yours, you were ready to be given your “compensation.” You felt Dazai’s mouth go down your neck, your chest, your stomach, he stayed in the middle of your body, you tensed up anticipating what he was about to do. That’s when you felt his mouth on you. You let out a surprised moan to which he hummed, you felt the rumble of his throat as he pleasured you with his mouth. He expertly licked, sucked, and kissed you sloppily making you feel amazing. You felt that knot in your stomach, the tingle you knew all too well.

“Hah~ I’m cumming- AhH~” a particularly hard suck made you jolt and come onto his mouth where he greedily continued to pleasure you.

You became overstimulated and tried clamping your thighs around his head, he roughly separated them and kept going. You were whining non-stop, you sounded so cute, like you could just cry.

The more he continued the more you tried to close your legs. He finally came off of you with a slick popping noise that made you flinch and let out a whimper.

You were panting as he looked down at you and said, “You seem to have trouble keeping those legs open, but it’s not a problem. I know how to keep you in place. “Wait huh!?”

You shouted after him, how does he always have so many tricks up his sleeve?

You heart him open a closet and walk back over to you, he grabbed one of your ankles and pulled you down slightly to where he stood at the edge of the bed making you gasp. You felt a strap tighten around your ankle, then the other. You then heard three clicks and your legs went further apart. A spreader bar. You’ve never had one used on you before and you wished you had sooner. The thrill of being completely restrained and at his mercy made you even more desperate for him to be inside of you.

“Hmmm… not much protest there. How about another inch wider? Maybe two??”

He taunted you as he clicked the bar outwards two more times. You felt a slight stretch in your hamstrings but not enough to hurt.

“Look at you. Maybe I should-,”

“Thisisfinethisisfine,” you blurted out. He let out a sadistic laugh at your desperation.

“Looks like enough for me to fit…” You blushed at what he meant, you knew he wasn’t talking about the spacing between your legs. god why did he have to be so… so…

Your thoughts quieted as you felt the head of his cock press against your opening. You tensed and he rubbed soothing circles on your hips with his thumbs to calm you down.

“You’ve gone awfully quiet on me. Is everything alright?”

You gulped before responding, “Please… I want more please. You’re s-so close please no more teasing,” you whined.

Dazai went into a completely different headspace after that. The way you begged made him so desperate, perhaps even more than you were.

“Anything for you,” he said before sliding into you with a slick sound.

He let out a strained growl as you whimpered, he was so big. He held himself there for a moment, biting his lip and heavily breathing.

“God you’re so f-fucking good, ugh~” he moaned out before slowly moving in and out of you.

You appreciated him slowing things down for you, but you wanted him to completely ravage you, make you lose all thoughts in that pretty head of yours. So that’s exactly what you asked him to do.

“H-harder, please… mmph~ please be rough with me Osamu…I want you so badly.”

He stilled at your command. He loved the way you begged for him.

“Whatever you want darling,” he replied.

Before you knew it he was pounding into you fast and hard. His pace was perfect and the strength behind his thrusts made you see starts. He hit the sweet spot at the back of you with every thrust. He kept a steady rhythm and calculated his movements so precisely. He would pull out almost all the way and push back in and hit your spot, making you feel him stretch you. You were in heaven.

“G-god please Osamu… l-let me touch you p-please…” he let out another sexy giggle in between his moans.

“I don’t think I should darling… you were being awfully m-mean to me earlier,” he throws his head back and groans as you let out another whimper.

“Please Osamu… I’ll be so good for you I p-promise- AhHh~” he brings down a hand to your throat and applies pressure as you did earlier.

You let out a moan as he squeezes tighter making you squirm underneath him. He leans his head down next to your face and slows his thrusts, maintaining the power behind them while loosening his grip on your throat .

“I’m not giving you what you want so easily baby,” his grip tightens once more. “Earn it.”

He punctuates the last two words with a rough thrust into you making you wail.

“Go on, don’t just sit there and cry, prove to me that you deserve to touch me.”

You can’t form a response as he starts to pick up his pace again and returns to hitting the soft spot inside of you at an unrelenting pace making you whine out,

“Ahh~ please daddy I’ll do a-anything you want.”

Dazai almost moaned out loud at you calling him that. Luckily you couldn’t see the way his eyes rolled to the back of his head hearing you whimper out the title.

“F-fuck baby say that again,” you couldn’t muster the strength to say it.

He wasn’t letting up on kissing your sweet spot with the head of his cock, you could hardly even hear him anymore. He had fucked you stupid which made him even more persistent. He just needed to hear you say it one last time and then you could feel him.

He tightened his grip on your neck once more and pulled you upwards to get closer to his face. You could feel his heavy breathing.

“I won’t ask again… say it and then you can touch me. You said you’d do anything I want,” that you did.

“Mmph~ please let me touch you daddy… wan-wanna hold you s-so bad- nGH~” just as he promised, he released your wrists and grabbed you by the arms, wrapping them around his broad shoulders with his own around your waist.

He smothered you into the mattress and continued to grind into you, forcing your body to jolt up and down with every thrust. Your nails dug into his back and you bit onto his shoulder to suppress your noises, whining and drooling on his skin.

Dazai isn’t one that likes pain or suffering. But he might as well have been considered a masochist with the way your teeth and nails digging into him made him spurt his hot cum into you almost instantly, his moan turned into a whine and he hid his face in your neck, feeling you constrict around him and return the favor, releasing all over his stomach and chest. He pushed in and out a few more times, slowing down with each one to help ease both of you down from your orgasm. He bottomed out one more time and held himself there for a few seconds before pulling out of you, you felt his hot liquid come streaming out of you. You felt embarrassed considering how far your legs were forced apart, putting the scene on display for him. He smirked to himself at the sight, going unnoticed by you, who was still blindfolded.

He untied the handkerchief from the back of your head and used it to wipe up the mess you both made on each other. He undid your legs that now had circular marks from the leather wrapping around them and put the contraption away. He soothes your ankles with his hands and looks up at you, lying back with your arms spread on either side of your body, still breathing heavily.

“You did so good for me, my little worker bee,” you huffed out a laugh at the corny nickname as did he.

He gave your knee a kiss and went to his closet to get some clean clothes laid out for both of you. The way his clothes hung off of you made you feel extra warm.

He left to get some soda and popcorn from the kitchen before getting into bed next to you, putting pillows behind you both and putting his arm around you as you laid your head on his shoulder. He kissed the top of your head, turned the on the TV and you both watched movies until you fell asleep.

[kakitysax]

Anyway that said I like John Seward. I’ve seen some analyses of his character and they got me thinking.

His asylum is actually really humane for the time, and he views Renfield more as an equal than he’s supposed to in their dynamic. I don’t think anyone else would have let him keep the flies, or the spiders, or the birds. And I don’t think it was normal at the time to view delusions as having logic, or to try to understand what’s happening in his patients’ heads instead of just assuming the worst and containing him.

Also, I relate to the guy. I think he’s autism-coded, at least to the extent that people like us were viewed at the time. His proposal scene was just. Intensely relatable. It’s absolutely shitty and inexcusable how the guy takes out his issues on his patients, but he’s working in a system where that shit is wayyy too easy, and I think it’s the rare person that WON’T abuse power when it’s given to them.

I was in a similar situation as him this past year. I worked at an elementary school: a system essentially designed to contain children under the guise of helping them. And there’s a lot of good people there doing their best to ACTUALLY help, but it’s a bad system, and even good people have bad days, and it’s really easy to get away with yelling at a kid. It’s almost expected; it’s almost the point.

I went there because I was fascinated by kids, but the longer I stayed the more I learned about myself. I viewed the kids as equals, because the level of power I had over them made me feel safe enough to interact with them normally. Meanwhile I was terrified of the teachers and staff who were “supposed” to be my peers. I did my best to listen to the kids and answer their “stupid” questions and talk them through their feelings even when the teachers were running out of patience, but on my personal bad days it was hard not to snap at a kid who was giving me a hard time.

I thought I went into childcare because kids fascinated me, but realized somewhere along the line that the reason I was really there is because I still feel like a child. Someone helpless, who needs to be kept in a controlled environment and given love and care and told what to do. And I treated them the way I hoped to be treated.

Jack Seward is fascinated by psychology. He views Renfield as an equal despite (and maybe as a result of) having power over him. But he’s reluctant to spend time with his supposed peers, and was clearly terrified all through his proposal to Lucy. He is trying to understand Renfield, but when he’s at his worst it’s too easy for him to take his feelings out on someone who, like a child, is a societally designated target for subhuman social treatment.

And I wonder if, in the same way that I feel like a child, Dr. Seward feels like he is a “lunatic?”

I know that’s a GROSSLY outdated term, but its connotation is important here. “Neurodivergence” is something that’s understood and becoming more widely accepted. Between Dracula and today we’ve made great strides in the field of mental health. We know what schizophrenia is now, along with mood disorders, personality disorders, dissociative disorders, adhd, autism, (and probably more that I’m forgetting,) and have found a deeper understanding and better treatment for them.

Dr. Seward would not view Renfield, or by proxy himself, as “neurodivergent,” but “lunatic.” Someone dangerous, to be contained and quarantined from normal society and studied. Someone to fear. And I think there’s an extent to which he is treating Renfield the way he would hope to be treated.

So yeah. I won’t say the guy did nothing wrong because he very clearly has. But everyone does shitty things, and I kind of relate to the guy. I totally forget like 90% of this book but I can’t wait to see where his character goes.