#succeeding but still failing

[lovesickeros]

☆ de fontaine

{☆} characters furina {☆} notes cult au, imposter au, drabble, gender neutral reader {☆} warnings angst, suicidal thoughts, hurt / no comfort {☆} word count 1.4k

This wasn't fair. This wasn't fair. This wasn't fair!

She thought, for one moment, she could put the mask down and breathe – for one moment of daydreaming, she thought she could just be Furina. She thought she would finally get to live the live she should've had in the first place, the life she threw away to play God to an audience who saw her as nothing but a circus animal, dancing to their whims. Furina just wanted to be selfish for one brief and fleeting moment..and it was gone before she could even grasp it in her hand. A comet soaring past far out of her reach.

She can barely keep her hands from violently shaking as she looks down at them – broken and bloody and more a corpse then a person – and she feels so numb she can't even feel the rain pelting against her back. None of this is fair, she wants to scream, why is it always me? But her voice is silent beneath the torrent of rain. She wonders if the ocean would take her if she sank into it's depths – just for a moment, she wonders how it would feel to finally be able to sleep at ease.

Furina is tired.

But Furina is nothing if not useful, isn't she?

So she forces her feet to move, dragging against the stone beneath her heels, and drags their bloodied body into the nearest empty building, letting the rain do the work of washing away the smeared blood following her path. The smell makes her feel sick, the feeling of it sticking to her hands and gloves makes her lightheaded, but she persists. Because Furina is useful, because Furina won't let them die out in the rain, because Furina won't stand by and just let them rot on the streets like some..pest.

Furina wants to go home. She wants to sleep and she isn't she if she wants to wake up, this time. But she keeps going anyway.

Because it's all she's ever done, and the habit sticks.

An Archon she may not be, not anymore, but the expectations of five hundred years still linger like eyes on the inside of her skull. They watch her, pry and prod at her thoughts, mocking laughter and judging eyes following her as she forces herself to dance to the song they weave with glee. Furina never stepped off that stage – she's still there, she thinks, watching the crowd stare at her in disdain as the curtain call looms above her like a guillotine. She still hears Neuvillette deliver her damnation and salvation with a trembling voice, still feels her hair stand on end when electro crackled like the crack of the whip, Clorinde's blade aimed at her like a loaded gun.

She's trapped on that stage and she never left, not really.

She hates it. She thinks she hates them, but it's not their fault. They didn't ask for this, didn't ask for everyone to turn against them, didn't ask for her to save them. Neither did she..yet here they are, she thinks.

She tries to tell herself she's in control this time, though. She can stop performing her part in this horrible, bloody play any time she wants. It makes her feel better, just for a little while, if she convinces herself she's still Furina, painfully human.

And Furina has always been good at lying.

It's the believing that's the hard part.

There isn't time for her to wallow in her own self pity, though. They're still bleeding out onto the dusty, creaky floorboards of some random, broken down house and she's just standing there as the blood stains the wood. She can fix it – she's good at fixing things. She's done nothing but fix things – try to, anyway – for five hundred years. She can fix a little wound, how hard could it be? Her hands are clenched so tight they ache as she kneels down, wincing at the creak of the floorboards beneath her heels– she hesitates just long enough to wonder if she's making a mistake before she peels away just enough of the outer layer of their clothes to see the deep, bloody gash across their chest. She tries not to think about it – it's deep, too deep, and she feels dizzy just looking at it, but she's handled worse, right?

Furina can fix it. That's what she's good at.

She doesn't feel so confident when she tries to wrack her brain for..something. Five hundred years, and a little wound stumps her? No, she had to have learned something, right? She's decidedly not trying to buy time because she's panicking, parsing through hundreds of years of memories like flipping through a book. Furina isn't made for this, not really – she's running on nothing but adrenaline and she's really not sure what she's doing, but she's trying. And just like before, it won't be enough, will it?

She'll fall short again – she'll be too late to fix it before she's alone again.

Furina was an Archon..used to be. What use would she have for that sort of knowledge? Which makes her predicament all the more harrowing and bleak. What was she supposed to do?

Furina had heard it first hand, that vitriol in Neuvillette's voice. She isn't sure she's ever heard him that..angry before. She's not sure he would listen to her if she tried, either. And that scares her more then anything. All of Fontaine was up in arms about this..imposter, yet here she was, staring down at them bleeding out in front of her, and she was trying to save them.

Why? Why is she throwing away her only chance at normalcy for a fraud? Why didn't she just turn them in?

They were dying – that should've been a good thing, shouldn't it? So why didn't it feel like it?

"Why you?" Her voice breaks as she speaks in harsh tones, grabbing the front of their shirt in trembling, bloodied hands. "Why now?" She wants to scream, to demand answers they can't give, to claw back the reprieve she was promised after five hundred years of agony..and all she can do is sob into their chest, pleading for an answer that will not come. "Why me?"

Silence is their answer, and it hangs heavy on her trembling shoulders as she cries.

Of course they don't, she thinks bitterly, no one has ever answered her pleas spoken in hushed sobs. Not her other self and certainly not them.

Furina has always been alone. Furina will always be alone.

Because Furina never left that stage, never left that moment when she looked at herself in the mirror and took up a mantle too heavy for her to bear. She always finds her way back eventually. There's no one on the other side anymore – she stands alone on a stage, waiting for an inevitable end she isn't sure will come.

"Please," She pleads through tears and choked sobs, clinging to them like they are all that keeps her from sinking. "Please don't leave me, too." The words burn on her tongue – how pathetic is she that she craves companionship from the bloodied body of the imposter? Perhaps she's truly lost her mind after all these years..perhaps she's finally gone mad. She must have.

But their presence is like the first feeling of gentle warmth upon her skin as the sun crests the horizon, like the gentle lap of tides along her heels, the sway of branches and leaves as the wind blows through them like an instrument all it's own. They are the soothing sound of rain against the window as she watches the dreary skies in fond longing, the first bloom of spring as color blooms upon the landscape like paint had been spilled across the hills and valleys.

They are like the faint spark she carefully nurtures and stokes, so fragile even the smallest wind could blow it out like a candle. She cradles it within her palms, pleads with whoever will listen – prays that someone finally listens, because if not for her, then for them.

She's failed to protect too much already, let too many people with so much trust in her fall between the cracks of her fingers like grains of sand. She won't let them go – she can't.

If nothing else, if she couldn't be saved when she begged for salvation from that five hundred year long agony, even if she never got that chance..

Furina will make sure they do.

[mc-critical]

1.06 / 2.09 (33)

[jetblackknight]

L after L after L just to finally get a fucking massive W

So uh, hey I might be lower activity than normal from here-on !!! Because I have orientation in a few days !!! At my new in-person job !!

It's nothing crazy ; I'll be picking groceries and non-groceries for customers of the store I applied to, for said customers to pick up or have delivered ! Not a ton of human interaction but I'm still around people all the time, since I'll be out on the store floor. Which I can deal with ; one or two people asking me questions is nothing. It's having to interact with too many people in one go that fucks me up.

But hey ! I fuckin' did it ! No more unsteady and unpredictable odd jobs for meeeee !

Anyways, my days off are Thursdays and Saturdays, so it's most likely that Saturday will be the day I reply ( if I remember ; these first few weeks might be rough so don't hold me to that standard ), since Thursdays are always going to be combination shopping, appointments, and cleaning days.

If you need me directly / presently, I'm on discord at vergiisparda ( two i's ( eyes ), not eye-el ), just let me know who you are so I don't immediately ignore the DM 😭, otherwise Saturdays will mostly be when I can reply. At least until I get used to this and evenings are fine.

[possessable]

when I was reading Moby Dick I used blue highlights for passages I found poignant or significant, yellow highlights for interesting moments of characterization, pink highlights for vocabulary words I wanted to take note of, and orange highlights for Ahab and Starbuck Having Their Weird Fucking Thing Going On

[frankenjoly]

Bram doing more and better parenting in a day than Aya's father in 10 years already was a thing but also,,,, "you yourself must become the knight",,,,

[swans-chirping-in-the-distance]

most interesting tv show au to me will always be if the seer in once upon a time's prophecy was never spoken.

[rohirric-hunter]

Oh this should be fun

Part of the design choice for Léonys was me very intentionally picking out all of the "weakness of Men" themes in LotR and just. Building a lot of her personality around that. It was kind of fascinating because the last time I made an OC of this nature after I designed the character I had to sit down and figure out some character flaws to give her (which was very popular -- and bad -- writing advice upon a time). With Léonys, as the personality began to develop, it was mostly flaws, and I actually had to sit down and make a physical list of her strengths. Which was kind of an ordeal, if I'm honest. I made one of them, "physically strong."

But that's sort of the point. Her strengths are not really the sort of strengths that are necessary for the story she's in. The things that make characters succeed in LotR are just not attributes that she has. Girl talks and dreams and makes plans around shit she knows nothing about. By the end of her story a Nazgul looks at her and she just fucking. falls over. If she'd had a second conversation with Saruman she would have absolutely fallen for his bullshit hook line and sinker. If you handed her the One Ring I would give her ~18 minutes before she was trying to murder someone with it. There's no digging deep down and finding untapped wells of resilience. Will is her lowest stat, both in-game and in-universe. She's the walking, talking reason why someone who understands the stakes of the world she lives in would conclude that humans can't be trusted with shit. And I designed her that way on purpose.

The comfort of the story, for me, is that sometimes you are weak. Sometimes your strengths are not what a situation needs. Sometimes everything comes out alright in spite of you. Sometimes, the things you're good at are only helpful in one tiny part of a situation. And sometimes that's enough. I think this is why the Wind Will Set Me Racing 'Verse also turned into a Boromir Lives AU. I wanted a story where the characters had the opportunity to sit with their failures, and then also to move on. To have a happy ending despite the fact that they, personally, failed. That their failure -- objective, genuine inability to handle the situation they put themselves in -- does not make them less of a person or less worthy of good things. There's not a lot of stories that celebrate that sort of thing.

(Yes, I am aware of the irony of the fact that by giving her strengths that are less useful than usual in LotR I have given her strengths that would serve her very well in most other fantasy universes. Making her strong, fast, and good at killing stuff would have her kicking ass in most stories. What luck that she lives in one where it's just kinda okay.)

In terms of this particular quest, it's one of those times when I'm compelled to make a quest dialogue work with my particular character decisions. What are the strengths that the Huntsman sees in her when in some ways she can be more a liability than a help? What does, "valour," mean in the context of someone who is actively getting worse at dealing with attacks on her psyche? IDK, I'm thinking something something the person who is willing to try something and be respectful and do it the right way being better than someone who is more likely to succeed, but less willing, or less willing to listen. LotRO often has quests where the player character asks for something from a group who is hesitant to trust, and that group sets them to some kind of task to prove that they're trustworthy and mean well -- often contrasted with some enemy ignoring those people and their wishes and trying to get what they want by force. (Vol. I Book 13 Chapter 4) I'd say it's kind of one of the game's main themes.

[ultimatetrashgoblin]

Due to my sudden inexplicable hyperfixation and a recommendation from the lovely @arinlangdon I have now read the entirety of Nikolai’s route. I have a few thoughts

- the writing, as I was promised, is absolutely phenomenal

- the plot with Nikolai’s family was very intriguing and I found myself more invested in the narrative than the romance between him and the mc (though my lack of attraction to men could have contributed to that)

- hands down one of the best proposals I’ve ever read, like wdym he created a whole fake heist just for her? girlies raise your standards if your man won’t do that for you drop him

- Vidocq was an incredible villain and the entire of season 8 had me at the edge of my seat (the rooftop scene with Remy was a standout)

- my reintroduction to the gilded poppy has made me realize that they are my friend group if we were eccentric art thieves (down to the game of paranoia)

Overall my takeaway from reading this route can be summed up with:

My undying loyalty to fantasy stories blinded me to the full brilliance of QoT during its prime and I fully intend on reading the rest of the routes (and finally finishing Vivienne’s). I understand why so many people in the fandom loved it so much

Also I am now the #1 shipper of Nikolai Stirling and Remy Chevalier

[miraculous-lesbians]

Coming to the sudden and horrific realization that every time Chloe gets a cameo in ML now it’s just gonna feel like this

[laylawatermelon]

I didn't like the dinner scene... Or the progression of Buck's relationship.

Let's talk about it!

I've been lurking and waiting to form my full opinion (away from my buddie mind) and I will compare the two.

I came in the fandom rather late and before season 7 aired. Buddie had been the consensus ship let's say.

I want to talk about these things

Bi buck

Bi buck episode

The aftermath

The rise of tommy

The fall of tommy

Buddie and BuckTommy relationship

The wheel

As a fan and a writer I recently started doing in depth analysis for my favorite TV shows to challenge myself and learn the trade I'm eventually going to work with.

I'll start with my problem/observation with the hamsterwheel --> bucktommy relationship --> separation of Buddie --> differences between the relationship.

First the hamster wheel I truly believed that when he mentioned having to work hard and it being new and different I really expected something special.

Now as a Buddie before this happened I was like OMG its happening. All the way up until the last part of 7x04 (where i promptly blacked all the way out) and that Buck was going to work for Eddie.

In the case of the preview and marketing they did in fact put a beautiful buddie shaped blanket over the whole thing and pulled it away for a new ship.

Now it would make sense some fans would be mad. Most people have an otp. That doesn't change with anything.

Buddie was still very prominent with all the female love intrests so it became confusing to me with the response but I'll get back to that in a minute.

The kiss (which he didn't ask before and it was really sudden / can argue Buck was okay with it cause hot guy duh but still a lil mehh) was quick. It felt very hamster wheel like he's jumping into something new.

Then subsequently in the other episode called you don't know me aka the BUCK!! date where a closeted joke was made (funny in tv but not in real life).

Granted Buck could've handled it better but he literally brain melted. Your straight (?) friend catches you on your literal first date with a man in secluded past of town. Yeah I'm taking myself outside for a sec.

The Evan thing also applies. On screen we haven't gotten a denounc

ement of the name Buck and what it means. I don't know it feels like two separate lives if I think about it.

He's Evan with him but Buck with everyone else (this is very convoluted).

That name thing has been and will continue to be debated. 🤷🏾‍♀️

The hamster wheel sped up expeditiously when he invited him to his sister's wedding. Right after Eddie stated he is rushing too fast.

(Which Buck also does due to ✨abandonment issues✨)

Then the bachelor party where he didn't dress up.

I know people made real life excuses but the things is I'm a canon more than a fanon person.

(yes buddie isn't canon hypocrisy ik but WAIT)

What I mean by that is that I take what characters say and do at face value. That information forms my opinions of them.

Unfortunately there's been about 7 years and all couple parallels with Buddie so my brain was like yep, that's canon.

When Tommy was being discussed at first (and now) I'm still saying as that he's a blank sheet that the fans who've wanted Buck to be in a loving reciprocal relationship so that's being projected on him.

So that equates to him being a let's say "out of character" personality in the online space.

I said in an episode analysis that Tommy's interested and not invested and I stand by that until the show proves other wise or writes their relationship on a deeper level.

Fanon Tommy's character would've worn a costume, hell they might've been the ones matching.

Because he's that dedicated and invested.

In canon, he didn't even come up with a simple enough reason and just brished it aside.

Now once again the you don't know me and writing wise it's significant that Buck's not acknowledged as Buck, and his lover isn't allowed to call him that. They're cooking something.

Idk what it is or if it's burning or not. But it's cooking regardless.

Deep conversations. Honesty with Eddie.

Tommy. Redirection and minimization. (and a smidgen of jealousy)

I also had some qualms about the sexualization of Buck's character or the minimization or common theme of Buck being used/useful.

They make it a poetic irony that the man who failed to be useful in saving/being savior baby then be used throughout his adult life.

Whether that be a substitute/donor for his older brother, a fantasy or story for some, or a quick fling/easy relationship the writers haven't fully gotten him out of the hamster wheel.

(but they're cooking ik it. Im praying. Im hoping. Please be cooking!!)

The writing of the relationship is failing it. Unless it should be like that.

For the rest of the topics I was talking about the bi buck episode and how much it meant to TV.

As we still know, Hollywood/American TV is a global thermometer let's say and tends to be discussed/acknowledged/distributed worldwide. As a result when certain things are done in the shows it can be a milestone.

I can admit I overlooked some things (as I am an avid hunter of media especially HAPPY! queer stories being told of POC and otherwise) so I can sometimes forget how impactful/important certain things are for the American/world audience to see.

Like henren, a black lesbian couple with a kid! Married! Both incredibly successful in their respective jobs.

Like that alone could be a TV show honestly.

That's why when Bi Buck happened I was happy. (I legitimately blacked out because I didn't see or hear the preview right after 🤣🤣 I was distressed when I came to)

But honestly I am still happy and proud that it happened.

I didn't get the significant of the extent of visibility of having a male (later in life is important!) come out or be acknowledged as bisexual.

Granted in cannon the word hasn't been uttered or expanded on but they head a rough 10 episodes so I'll give em some slack.

But as a viewer and a writer I see how important it is to have it happen and the significance of it through real life stories and anecdotes and for that I am happy for that party of the relationship. 🥺

I won't take that moment away from them. Was it perfect (including all the other stuff afterwards?) No.

But was it necessary and messy and awkward like real life? Absolutely yes and I love it.

This is peak TV I tell you. (I've never blacked out like that to TV before so that was a first🤣)

But on a real note I was excited (and neutral towards Buck and Tommy being together).

I still ride the Buddie ship all start for to the context clues (slutty dangerous barbell scene anyone??) that it may be confusion on his part or at least leaving the door partly open for Buddie.

(it really could be just gauging the audience reaction)

I won't really talk about the second half of Buddie sexual identity because that either deserves it own post and has to be expanded on.

(Eddie i beg. The women of the world DON'T need you right now. Be a beautiful centerpiece. Do not traumatize the women of la no more. Take care of your son. Don't go through treacherous roads. Take the journey elsewhere. I beg!!!)

But on a serious note I noticed the quick turn I would say on the characterization/head canon of Buck's love interest.

I find it interesting that for female counterparts there hasn't been such a response. (I have heard about Buck Taylor riders though)

(this is my inner thoughts. Very hot. 10/10. My soul was pleased. Couple? Awful. Friends? Brilliant. Taylor motives? Nah you can't be round me with all that sneaky stuff)

But her character was the most expanded on.

But with Tommy, most of what's stated about the relationship at the beginning was headcanon.

I think where the shows heading is to show the incompatibility between them.

Tommy's scenes so far have been casual, smooth and easy.

He doesn't mind a quick date. He doesn't want to dress up for the theme. He'll be there but it's not too important to fuss about it.

The deleted scene is avoidant (which may become a character trait about emotions) to deeper conversations. We see this reflected as well when they're at the dinner after Bobby's finally pulled through (and Buck lost his son😭😭 I'm not even on no shipper shit that's his baby😭😭) and he starts to be vulnerable.

I expected it to lean more towards a heartwarming or honest conversation but one again he shuts it down.

What I think they're going to do with his character/have been doing is show that he's avoidant to confrontation.

(i could argue that for his friend he might do more because the Eddie flying things still throws me for a loop in comparison to how they're portraying their relationship)

But I stick by the interested not invested point.

With the little screen time they've had to develop his character they've shown that it's not really endgame they're just incompatible. 🤷🏾‍♀️

Comparing the Buddie and Tommy relationship the investment/support becomes a bit evident.

Not matching with Tommy. Incompatible.

Matching with Eddie. Compatible.

Deep conversations. Honesty with Eddie.

Tommy. Redirection and minimization. (and a smidgen of jealousy)

Now you can argue (as a writer in gritting my teeth as I type this) if they do go down the route of his love "changed" me, it it's a possibility to write him becoming a better partner through love or sum.

As Buck is very emotional and he can get him to open up be more serious as he sees him taking it seriously.

As a buddie that killed me!!!!! but as a writer i had to speak up.

Anyways... If it goes that route I'll hate it a little. Hare it and like it seesaw kind of (look ik potential when i see it)

The hate part is that once again it'll be uaed/hamster wheel/i have to prove or gain your love or show that you appreciate me.

Like it cause who doesn't like a good you changed me by being yourself?

I'm a hater through and through. 😤

Tommy as a character I was neutral on at first. I'm still lukewarm about the relationship itself but the character is falling into the same old box all love interests get.

Not enough character but more than enough sex.

Regarding Buck's relationship they're always a give and take, Buck ending up being more of a giver (I'm not defending no white man for his mistakes though he do be doing some things side eye worthy).

But because the love interests are just that and not fleshed out characters, they end up not being able to stand on their own and be interesting enough outside of the one off appearances.

With the exception of Karen my love, my sweetness.

But most of Buck and Eddie's love interests can sometimes be reduced to props to move plot along/give character development.

(which as a writer i didn't hate as it's a multi lead drama series but..... If they want a long term partner to be introduced they can write it like Karen)

I can think of many scenarios and ways to actually make the character less off-putting to some.

Examples: more enthusiasm/effort actually being put in (or maybe that's where the statement Buck had to work for it applies? That Buck had to work for his love ??? I'm speculating now), being more straightforward, the jealously not being brought up like twice now.

Sirens are blasting with that one 🚨🚨

(The characters actions being vetoed off screen doesn't help either. It also applies to a lot of problematic things that sweep under the rug. Only the queer characters cheating? Violence against each other? Goading into drinks? Kissing/cheating? Manipulation?.... Eh it's drama but the cheating storylines and the characters it happens to makes me a lil 👀...)

All in all me and my homegirls not pleased.

I ain't been swayed anywhere and the way the wind in this writing ain't blowing nowhere.

[tearlessrain]

seriously can catastrophes stop happening for five minutes my brain is already fried from the ones we're already experiencing

[draw-you-coward]

power level: how it started vs how it's going

[notaplaceofhonour]

.

[swordbending]

[ID: a screenshot of a tumblr post that reads "'azula can't be redeemed' iroh and zuko literally did way worse things than azula ever did yet they got redemption". End ID.]

y'all I-- ☠️☠️

[killjoy-prince]

I didn't know he can resist being thrown into the ritual outside of his origin run but here we are

[ghostblogging]

y'know it almost certainly has been said before and trans AUs are played out but I genuinely thinking making Zuko trans would add so much to his character and play off the family dynamics in ways that would both take his whole arc in fascinating directions and also slot in so perfectly