#sty goes outside

[sty-rex]

somewhere near Hope, Peak District

[jjsstars]

random school bus graveyard headcanons

// with aiden/ashlyn & ben/taylor & logan/tyler <3 //

warnings: weed/smoking, swearing

[cut off cause this got rlly long whoops]

Ash is bi & Aiden is pan

Taylor & Ben are both asexual but also hopeless romantics

Tyler is bi & Logan is gay

Taylor does Ben’s nails on weekends

Tyler tries to teach Logan how to play baseball (he’s semi successful)

Ash is paramore fan (p sure this is just canon atp)

Aiden loves all those dystopian movies and forces Tyler to watch them when he finds out he’s never seen them (ie hunger games, the maze runner, divergent etc.)

Aiden’s best subject is math and his worst is English, Ash is the same way

Taylor’s best subjects are science & math, her worst is art (she just can’t draw okay)

Tyler’s best subject is gym but as far as academics go he’s pretty good at history, he sucks at science tho

Logan’s best subject is obvi science, he honestly does good in everything, but he doesn’t like language that much

Taylor carry’s extra ear plugs/headphones/notebooks & pens for Ben & Ash (or anyone who might need them)

Tyler can braid better than Taylor can (he would do her hair growing up)

Aiden & Ash are adhd vs autism

Logan and Taylor hold hands when they’re anxious

Aiden can play the guitar & drums

Ben can also play the guitar but he prefers acoustic whereas Aiden likes electric

Tyler can play guitar but he prefers to play the trumpet (he’s rlly good)

Taylor can sing but she only does around Ben - he totally doesn’t cry nope totally not -

Ash can play the Harp (stealing that from someone else’s hc post <3) but she can also play violin & piano (multitalented queen)

Aiden & Ash link pinkies while sitting on the bus if Ash is feeling particularly pda strong

the whole group goes to cheer on Tyler’s baseball games

Logan now has a first aid kit in his locker from dating Tyler and being friends with Aiden

Aiden has a medical card for medical weed and he definitely abuses that shit

the first time Ashlyn gets high it relaxes her so much she’s convinced she’s dying for a hot minute

Logan & Taylor don’t like being high, Ben is indifferent to it, Aiden, Ashlyn & Tyler enjoy it throughly

It calms Aiden & Tyler down a lot

Taylor & Ben are the only ones capable of sitting in a chair like a normal person

Aiden & Ben smuggle good food into the hospital for Tyler

Tyler gives Logan forehead kisses

Ben kisses the top of Taylor’s hand

Aiden kisses the tip of Ash’s nose - Ash kisses his cheek

everyone is always finding Ashlyn hair in everything cause she sheds so much

Logan & Ben are Star Wars fans

Aiden is the first one to get his official license - to everyone’s horror -

Tyler is the last one to get his license (he’s so mad about it)

Ashlyn still sleeps with a stuffed animal and has a tote of them in her closet — she hides this for months until Ben finds them one day and casually adopts them all with Taylor

Aiden runs like a space heater as does Taylor

Ash & Ben both run superrrr cold

Logan and Tyler have normal temperatures, the freaks /j

Ben carry’s an inhaler because Aiden got asthma attacks as a kid - he hasn’t had one since he was like 7 but Ben likes to be prepared

If he gets hyper focused enough Aiden will go non-verbal / won’t acknowledge the outside world to the point of Ben having to write down responses for him

Aiden & Tyler can skateboard

Taylor can rollerskate & she teaches Logan how to too

Ashlyn is a god at ice skating

Ben prefers to stay on his own two feet thank you very much

Tyler’s terrified of dogs and screams for Taylor anytime one comes near him

Animals naturally love Ashlyn, Taylor’s jealous

Aiden is one of those people that will spend five minutes in a backyard and pick up three frogs, a lizard, a scarily big spider, two beetles and point out where a snake is

birds really like Ben - he doesn’t know why

Aiden & Ben are really good at art, but with totally different styles

Ben prefers realism and charcoal pieces

Aiden prefers more stylized art, markers & paints

Aiden did graffiti for a while and still would if he ever had the time (stupid phantoms) - when Ash finds out she lets him tag the buses in the graveyard and he’s so excited about it

Aiden & Tyler play basketball together on the weekends while the others watch/mess with them the entire time

If Tyler’s being particularly cocky about winning against Aiden then Ben will step in cause he’s naturally really good at basketball

Taylor and Logan always giggle watching Tyler’s face fall seeing Ben stand up

Ashlyn doesn’t mind when Aiden loses because then she gets to use it as an excuse for them to go get ice cream to “make the loss easier” (aiden knows she does that every time because she also asks to go out for ice cream if he wins to celebrate)

Taylor lets Aiden try on her lip gloss once and now he has his own collection and keeps some on him at all times — mostly just clear ones or sparkly light pink ones that aren’t super noticeable but still leaves a shine

Tyler uses like ten separate hair products daily - him & Ash take the longest to do their hair out of the whole group

[ailelie]

Nodame!AU WWX/LWJ

I've seen a lot of stories that use music in place of cultivation for modern AUs.

I would like to propose a Nodame!AU.

Nodame Cantabile is a lovely manga (and anime and live action and film and music series and video game) about Nodame (Noda Megumi) and Chiaki Shinichi who are both musicians.

Chiaki is a brilliant musician who is stuck in Japan because of a debilitating fear of flying based on past trauma. People find him rather unfeeling and he cares a lot about cleanliness and doing things correctly. He wants to be a conductor.

Then there's Nodame who loves music and is a prodigy, but she is an absolute mess and just wants to be a kindergarten teacher. Her only interest in music is enjoying herself and creating cute songs for her someday students. Nodame is also traumatized. She refuses to take music seriously because, as a child, her talent was noticed and strangled. She was forced to practice for perfection endlessly and told she wasn't good enough until she basically broke.

They meet when Chiaki ends up drunk outside Nodame's apartment (he doesn't drink much or well, iirc) and she brings him inside since she doesn't know where he lives and doesn't want to leave him outside.

Chiaki wakes up in an absolute sty of an apartment and goes on a bit of a panicked cleaning frenzy. Then he learns, to his horror, that Nodame is his next door neighbor.

Nodame basically gloms onto Chiaki and the two become friends (not that Chiaki would ever admit that). They start taking care of each other.

Chiaki forces Nodame to face music seriously again and she realizes she can do so on her own terms (this isn't without some backsliding though).

Meanwhile, Nodame helps Chiaki overcome his fear of flying and be less of an asshole (e.g., he starts to realize that the people he has dismissed have talent and passion to share). She starts to dream of playing in his orchestra.

Eventually the two end up in Europe together.

...

Now tell me that isn't a perfect set-up for a Nodame!Wei Ying and Chiaki!Lan Zhan!

The manga is definitely an ensemble with some great side characters.

It isn't one-to-one of course and Nodame and Wei Ying are very different people, as are Chiaki and Lan Zhan. But! There are enough similarities that I think it could be a very cute AU.

[sadmanyeyes]

Chapter 7

Later on, in a hotel room, Natsuko asks Yakumo if he's sure he's okay, saying she knows she twisted his arm into coming along on the trip. Tatsuya joins in, saying the whole experience has scared him into never driving without a license again. Yakumo tells them all to chill, reminding them that they're all friends.

Later, by himself, Yakumo muses to himself that at least he has a bike now and now all he has to do make a few bucks before the trip. Then, he remembers Three Eyed Pai saying that he doesn't even have two weeks left of his normal life...but he doesn't trust her. Pai is fine but he has no idea how to deal with her other half. Then he sees a guy in an overcoat walk out of nowhere, staring at him with one eye. The guy walks off, Yakumo being creeped out before he heads inside his place, Pai apparently having left the door unlocked. He finds his dad's skull on the floor...and finds his place a sty, apparently ransacked. That sucks...but more importantly, Pai's missing!

He runs over to his boss' place and is greeted by an angry drag queen with cream on his face. He calms down when he recognizes Yakumo and he tells him that Pai's inside sleeping when he asks for her. The boss says that she was at his door five minutes ago, saying she was starving. Apparently Yakumo told her how his boss used to cook for him when his dad was on trips. Then Yakumo finds her sleeping like this:

Yakumo tells his boss he can't dress her like she works at the bar, much to the boss' confusion. The boss then teases him for being possessive, much to Yakumo's embarrassment. Yakumo fights off the allegations by saying that he doesn't see Pai like that, only wanting to protect her, saying she's like a sister to him.

The boss accuses him of being into incest then. Yakumo gives up and takes the boss to his place, showing him the mess. The boss asks him if he called the cops but Yakumo wants to duck them for the time being...he asks if the boss heard anything from across the hall and the boss denies it, saying the ransacking is the work of a real pro. Yakumo then says that means Pai didn't do it, much to the boss' confusion. It's then Yakumo sits him down with some tea and explains some things...

So to recap, Pai is triclops with a split personality and Yakumo is an immortal zombie. The boss then says that Ling Ling seems suspicious, since she helped the two with no reason. Yakumo says they don't have to worry about her though, since she just wanted to make money off Yakumo's "zombiehood". So Huang is more like a victim (as far as they know) and Chau is dead...so who's left? Apparently (I'm using that word a lot) the only things taken were a few of Yakumo's father's books. It's here where Yakumo's boss reitarates some words he doesn't want to hear: he can't go back anymore. Like a Yakuza trying to leave his old life, he can't go back to how he was.

He repeats what Pai told Yakumo: trying to live his old life will just lead to unhappiness. There is nothing on this planet that can't be broken, nothing that can't die...except for him. Just being immortal is going to make a lot of people come after him. But that's not so bad! He can leave his old life behind, go on a new adventure, rescue the beautiful girl, maybe get some ass along the way...but Yakumo insists he doesn't see Pai like that. She's a monster after all...but the boss says so is he.

Yakumo, walking outside, says that while he thinks Pai is pretty cute, he can't drop his entire life for the sake of getting her human again. He doesn't trust her...and his life and friends are in Tokyo. The next day, at school, he greets his friends and tells them that he fixed up the bike so he's ready for the trip! He takes Hideyoshi's coffee can and takes a swig, handing it back...but Hideyoshi walks off, telling him to keep it. Tatsuya goes with him. He playfully tries to flirt with Natsuko and she screams when he touches her, running away from him.

Later on, Hideyoshi tells some girls Yakumo can regenerate, telling them he's a monster...as Yakumo and Natsuko (having come back to him) listen in. Yakumo confronts him and Hideyoshi breaks down, begging for forgiveness as if Yakumo is going to kill him. Yakumo runs off as Natsuko calls after him, the one-eyed guy watching him as he says his name...

So Natsuko chases Yakumo down and says they're all just worried about him but Yakumo gets it. He can' even trust Pai. It's just like Three-Eyed Pai said: his life is over. He tells Natsuko tell everyone he said to take care, saying he'll be back when he's human, before the one eyed guy shatters a pillar, burying Yakumo is rubble before he snatches Natsuko!

End of chapter.

[nezstar]

Darlin and Sam hcs cause im down bad for BOTH of them

very fluffy because i made two angst fics and im sad

darlin

i want more angst for darlin so…

darlin is poc, their mum is from a diffeent country and would make meals and desserts originating from her country and always made sure darlin ate well even though she wasn’t always around due to work.

ever since quinn’s incident, they’ve been really detached from their mother and her side of the family.

they don’t feel like they belong, even with their mother’s side of the family. they hardly understand their mother’s native language and barely knows the customs. and it always hurt them that they don’t understand that well.

they had to deal with not belonging with the pack and not belonging with their mother’s side.

has a few friends in washington who knows they’re a werewolf. made them dress up as one for halloween

is extremely protective of them and will do anything for them, hence why they were so easily convinced to dress up as a werewolf

some of them have smaller siblings. darlin is known as the strong looking friend who looks like they could kill someone but instantly goes soft when around the younger children

gives them piggybacks, lets them put things in their hair, smiles so gently when they play with the children.

UGH IM A SUCKER FOR TOUGH CHARACTER IS SWEET WITH CHILDREN TROPE SHUT IT.

doesn’t talk a lot. not at all.

looks really intimidating when in reality, their vision isn’t really good so they squint at everything to see things better.

glasses got smashed in the fight with quinn.

they don’t have enough money for a good new pair of glasses so they just shrug their shoulders and deal with it.

it doesn’t help that darlin is used to being ignored and being ‘invisible’ so they just watch people from afar instead of talking to them.

if darlin keeps on staring at you, they either want to talk to you or punch you. no inbetweens.

darlin says hi to angel for the first time to be polite and angel asks david if they did something wrong cause darlin kept on glaring at them. david nearly laughed.

their entire apartment may look like a pig’s sty, but their bedroom is kept really neat. its their safe haven.

has a pile of plushies they kept over the years. pretended they despise cute shit like that when in reality it makes their heart go aww.

has a weird obsession with venom from marvel.

sleeps on their back at first, ends up half on the bed and half on the floor with the blankets everywhere.

sleep talks. and for some sad reason they are always begging for whoever’s in that dream that night to stop what they’re doing and come back to safety. they never remember what they’re dreaming about unless it’s a nightmare.

also got into tokyo ghoul. juuzou looked cool so they tried it out.

Sam

guitar. BANGO.

sits outside on the porch sometimes with darlin and just plays the guitar

hits his nails on things to a beat when he’s bored and someplace with a table.

can sleep standing up.

texts with his fingers and not his thumbs. like with his middle fingers like old parents do.

drinks ungodly amounts of tea. if he wasn’t dead his blood would be 95% tea and 5% real blood

really loud breather. but its comforting instead of annoying, cause sam is so quiet so sometimes you just think he left but no…he’s there…just being quiet.

has longish hair that’s tied into a ponytail, but a lot of his hair still gets loose so he usually rakes a hand in it so it doesn’t get annoying.

hates his hair being touched but lets darlin play with it if they want to. if anyone notices sam tells them to shut it.

when he belts out in laughter (if he ever does) its not a HAHAHA its a HEHEHE and its the cutest thing ever.

wheezes when he laughs too.

…country music. JOHNNY CASH.

hums or whistles johnny cash under his breath when he’s busy. omfg sam whistling songs in general.

hates the cold, wears all the warm clothing you can find.

champion at chess.

taught darlin to play chess, best teacher ever.

owns a rocking chair.

reads in his spare time. currently, he’s been reading a lot of crime novels.

HAHAHA USES READING GLASSES

basically an old man HAHSHA

Darlin and Sam couple hcs

sam is the only one in dahlia (how the fuck do you spell it HELP) who noticed darlin’s weakness for cuteness.

absolutely capitalises on it. buys them teddy bears, cute stickers, cute pins, figurines (you cannot tell me darlin doesn’t like cute anime shit or cartoons) basically anything thats cute. just so he can see darlin’s eyes go wide eyed and dilate at what they see. its adorable and sam loves it.

when sam plays his guitar, darlin stops everything to listen to him play. because its rare that he brings it out since it’s something he always played with when he was human, and playing it brings back bittersweet memories.

darlin isn’t good with words, so when darlin is able to feel more vunerable to sam, they start to gently take sam’s hands and kiss each finger. its a way for them to non-verbally say thank you to him for healing them constantly.

the actions make sam really emotional. its such a sweet moment, and it often leads to a lot of cuddling.

they have a movie night every single saturday and take turns choosing what to watch. sam always picks out horror movies while darlin picks out children movies they never got to watch as a child.

one time darlin put on twilight. both of them laughed out loud at the movie.

watched encanto and darlin related a lot to bruno. sam didn’t really relate to everyone, but loved the casita the most. both hated abuela.

“you’re julieta cause you can heal and you probably act like that to fredrick and bright eyes,” that earned a small smack on the arm.

darlin’s habit of staring carries to sam as well. as soon as he comes into their vision, their gaze softens and they visibly loosen up. sam is the only person that seems to be able to do that.

in private darlin totally goes up right in his face and stares at him like an owl.

sam was never really a good cooker, but when he realised how bad darlin was at taking care of themselves, he taught himself how to cook so that darlin would have at least one good meal a day.

one day darlin confessed that they miss their mother’s cooking, and then instantly changed the subject of the conversation entirely.

you bet your sweet ass sam looked up how to make all the different food that’s from their mum’s country, and tried really hard to replicate it.

darlin totally cried and said thank you.

sam tries to convince darlin to reconnect with their mum now that they’re back in dahlia and darlin hesitantly agrees.

darlin feels bad about him always looking after them, so they actively try and look after themselves better. instead of rushing into fights, they carefully articulate themselves so they dont get too hurt. and they buy small snacks so they’re not always running on an empty stomach.

darlin runs like a heater, but still wears a thick ass coat whenever they go anywhere. when its too cold for sam he just crawls into their coat and darlin wraps him up.

cuddles for hours like that. darlin is just so damn warm.

sam scritches darlin behind the ear and it makes them full on sleep.

does it when they refuse to sleep

sam loves it, they’re so cute.

[artmakerproductions]

“Billy & Sarah”: Jeph Varney 

Jeph Willhelma Varney is a redneck, through and through. He lives out on his own in the swampy area of Oak River away from the crowd raising pigs and chickens. Inherited the land from his mother's side. It being in his family bloodline from all the way back in the final days of the ol' west. As a boy, Jeph was told of the many strange things that lived out in the swampy lands their home was in, that he should always watch out and be prepared. He took these words to heart. One night, during his childhood, he was awakened in the middle of the night by the distress of their pigs. He quickly got out of bed, grabbed his shotgun, and rushed outside to see what was causing the trouble - it was none other than the (then smaller and younger) Snake Monster of Foggy Bog. Without hesitation he took aim and fired. Skidding the side of the serpentine beast and causing her to wail in pain and quickly flee, abandoning the hunt. Years passed, and the two would regularly butt heads, as from time to time the serpent would attempt to gat at Jeph's chickens and pigs. Despite her incredible intelligence and knowing that basic firearms and humans in general are of no threat to her, she still has that internal fear of this specific person and his firearm. Her having a case of PTSD. She'll immediately bail on a hunt if she sees or even hears him nearby. Though this fear has lessened in the passing years, it still remains in the back of her mind. Every now and again she'd be able get a burst of courage and stand her ground, but not for long. Jeph will often cuss her out to "git!" and "scram!". Has knocked over the fencing of Jeph's pig sty out of pettiness just to get him mad. 

One of Jeph's other duties is dealing w/ the walking dead that rise up every now and again from deep w/in the swamp. He thinks that some leftover toxic barrels from government testing in a nearby hidden facility were dumped in the swamp ages ago, which is what causes the dead to rise. Billy and Sarah are somewhat skeptics of this at first, but find out later that such a facility does exist. Hardly ever eats city foods, as he either goes out to hunt (rabbit or deer) or just kills one of his pigs or chickens to provide that evening's meal. An excellent marksman and proud owner of a fine knife collection. Is in ownership of an old red truck. Jeph regularly makes stops into town to restock his supplies and sell his pigs/chickens. Uses this to pick up and drop off supplies for Okkou, who is essentially his one and only neighbour in the swamp. As a returning of the favour for the older man's services, Okkou does health check-ups on his animals and gives serums/potions to help keep his livestock nice and healthy (and give their meat an extra bit of flavouring when cooked, thus allowing Jeph to sell at a higher price for the quality meat). Seems to have a thing for his grandmother (reincarnated as a hornbill) who also seems to share these feelings. An elderly version of puppy love in a way. Much to the annoyance of Okkou. 

As to how Billy and Sarah met him? Simple. It was good timing, as they were being chased down by a few of the undead when Jeph opened fire on the reanimated corpses.Thankful, they greeted each other and exchanged names. This being how they met Jeph. He's always telling stories of his life and time growing up in the bog to Billy and Sarah whenever they visit. Even singing some oldies and originals too. Will even invite them over for dinner if they do. Is a gruff voiced (but sweet) sort of grandparent once you get to know him. Incredibly friendly. 

Viewable on DeviantArt too: https://www.deviantart.com/artmakerproductions/art/BaS-271-880261088

"Billy & Sarah" belongs to me, (ArtMakerProductions). 

[brutal-nemesis]

Spiral Day 2021: Cycle(-stys) of Yikes

Waddup y’all out how’s spinning out going? Good, good, love to hear it. Hey does anyone want to watch me break Castys? It’ll be funny I swear ヽ(✿ﾟ▽ﾟ)ノ In reality it’s INCREDIBLY messed up so please heed the warnings shit gets dark But uh yeah for context this is when he’s stuck in the lab ✨

Castys Masterlist

Ingredients: lab whump, dehumanization, muzzle, organ harvesting and noncon surgery referenced, the boy goes nuts, starvation, dehydration, implied self-harm, implied autocannibalism 

Castys thought endless torment would be a little more exciting. 

Not that he’d expected it to be fun, but it was just...boring. Every damn day was the same. They’d drag him out of his cell to the same room, strap him to the same table, cut him open with the same knives and take out the same organs. Well, no, the organs they took varied by the day. But he only had so many different ones, so at some point he’d experienced it all before. The tests had a horrifically wide variety to them, but the common theme seemed to be Painful and Terrible and 0/10 Would Not Recommend. 

He’d fantasize about being back on his ship often to distract himself from everything. He’d imagine the sound of the waves, the feel of the spray in the wind, the smell of salt, his crew by his side...the thought of them made him happy and sad at the same time. He missed them all so much (except for Harris, he was a bitch), but the fact that he was here meant they were all safe and happy. Yeah, that was why he was stuck in this stupid place, those darned mortals and their tiny lifespans that he just had to get all sympathetic about and give himself up to these psychos so they didn’t spend the rest of their little lives in misery. Instead, he was going to spend the rest of his much longer life stuck in-no, he was going to get out...somehow.

But how? He didn’t have anything to pick the locks with. He was constantly restrained, either strapped to a table or chair in the lab or being manhandled from one room to the next by people who were ridiculously stronger than him. He’d tried to rush past the guards when they came to get him from his cell, but they’d caught him and chained his ankles together, making it nearly impossible for him to even walk. The short chain connecting his ankles and the muzzle they’d strapped to his face a couple weeks in were never taken off, just permanent additions to what it was like to be Castys. And if they took the muzzle off, it was just so they could mess with his mouth, and it went right back on afterwards, because why give food and water to someone who can’t stay dead?

So it went. Castys started to forget what it was like to walk normally, to speak with other people, what it felt like to eat, to be touched in a way that didn’t hurt, to be treated like a person. There was only the cycle of wake up, get dragged out, get sliced open, get poked and prodded and stabbed and studied, get dragged back, fall asleep and pray that tomorrow would be a little better, or even a little different. He could vaguely keep track of time by how blood-crusted his skin was, a way to tell how long it had been since the last time they’d hosed him down and chopped off his hair. The ship he dreamed of never went anywhere anymore, it was stuck, like him, because there was only here, wasn’t there? Everything else was just a delusion. The boy had always been in a cage, the ship had always been in a bottle. The square of the sky he could see out the window was there to trick him into thinking there was something else out there, but he knew there wasn’t. There was only here, and there was only the cycle.

The cycle, though, began to change, so slowly as to almost be imperceptible from one day to the next. Tests were a little shorter. Less organs were taken. They left him alone for a minute more. He hardly noticed it was happening until one day...they didn’t come for him at all. At first he was alright with it, he preferred the loneliness and the quiet to the table and the pain. But not dying at their hands every day meant the condition of his body wasn’t being reset constantly. Soon enough, hunger and thirst began to claw at him. Even if he had something to eat or drink, that muzzle was still stuck to his face, no matter how much he fiddled with it. Or maybe that was just a part of him, maybe he didn’t have a mouth, and this was just his face.

Every three days. Thirst. Weakness. Dizziness. Death. Was it three days? Is that how long you could last without water? He tried to count, but the numbers got lost in the haze all too easily. There was no way to mark the stone, to keep track outside of his head, the blood wasn’t being washed off him anymore. He had nothing, nothing at all, just here and himself and the unyielding stone. The square of sunlight would move across the cell, the only motion to break the constancy of everything else. It was the same day repeated over and over and over and over and over and it was the same just the same nothing ever changed, ever, ever, it was the same-

Something wasn’t the same. The leather muzzle that had kept him silent for so long had been slowly rotting, and it finally fell off. For a moment he simply stared at it lying there on the ground, broken, dying, fading away. He opened his mouth for the first time in decades. And he screamed, because that thing got to rot away and disappear and he wouldn’t, he would always be here, hungry and thirsty and alone and trapped and alive and it wasn’t fair, not at all, and he screamed because it had been so long since he was able, he cried because it was all he could do.

The tears, at least, moistened his dry tongue.

He drew lines. Some were faint, and some were vivid. The vivid ones were good, they were brilliantly red, they tasted so sweet, they pulsed and burned like stars. He drew so, so many, and every one was new and different and brilliant. Little cracks in the never ending cycle of monotonous agony. They let him feel for a moment like his thirst was quenched. The cracks widened, chunks broke off the sides, and then that constant feeling of hunger went away, too.

And so it went, drawing and sucking and biting and chewing in an attempt to satiate those cravings, but it was never enough, never enough, and he would wake up to unbroken skin, and the cycle could start all over again. Maybe he could have counted somehow, how many times it happened, but it didn’t matter, there wasn’t an end to count down to, there was just wake up and hurt and drink and scream just to hear something and wait for death so we can start again just wait just wait it’s coming the ship is sinking in the little bottle but it always comes back up please just let me rest just let me go I can’t do this again I can’t I can’t-

There was a new sound. A creak. Footsteps. They came back, old memories of something outside the cycle. There was someone-or was it something-standing on the other side of the bars. Its eyes were so white and empty, a color he hadn’t seen in so long that he couldn’t help but stare. It stared back, eyes narrowing and then widening.

“Castys?” He cocked his head. That sound, that word, it meant something, right? It did, it did, he was sure it did, but...what was it? And what...who was that? The more he looked, the more he was sure that there was something familiar about that silhouette. It was...distinct. Unmistakable. Unique. He didn’t remember who it belonged to, just that he recognized it. It was a someone, yes, yes, not an it, not-an-it-or-I’ll-tear-your-throat-out. So when they opened the door to his cell, when they came in, when they smiled at him, fangs flashing in the dim light, he wasn’t afraid, even if he should have been.

“I finally found you.”

Castys Cult: @as-a-matter-of-whump​ @blackrosesandwhump​ @fanmanga1357-blog​​ @thehopelessopus​ @just-a-whumping-racoon-with-wifi​ @hearse-song​ @muddy-swamp-bitch @whumpasaurus101

[alternativewinxcontinuity]

Planetary Spotlight: Callisto

Callisto [Cal-ih-stow] Callisto The Hunter's World. Callisto The Wild Lands.

-

The Planet of Callisto is something of an anomaly in the Magical Dimension, since it is unclear to outsiders exactly which Thematic Domain the world truly belongs to.

A world of forests and plains, mountains and valleys and oceans, the planet has vast expanses of wilderness and one of the smallest populations of any of the Keystone Worlds*.

The Thematic magics which appear on Callisto tend towards plant or stone aspects of nature, animal talents - whether specific or general - and some... slightly more unusual types which suggest Callisto either has no true Thematic Domain, or a history of immigration. 

-

Cultural Overview:

The Callistei [Cal-ih-sty] have a long history as hunter-gatherers, despite their level of technological advancement. They prefer to keep their technology compartmentalized from the majority of their lifestyle, except in cases where it truly is a lifesaver, such as certain facets of medical technology or water purification. 

(This gives them the appearance of being less technologically advanced than they actually are at first glance.)

Callisto has one of the highest concentrations of Wild Magic found anywhere in the Magical Dimension, and is thought to be the rightful 'Homeworld' of the chaotic force.

The ability of the trained Callistei hunters to track their prey across galaxies has gained the people of Callisto a fierce reputation as a warrior race**, though they themselves laugh at the notion. While their culture does contain many of the markers of a warrior race, the concept of what a warrior race is and what it is believed to be are so different that they simply do not care for the term.

Personal and societal honour and responsibility are important facets of the Callistei culture, if one of their people goes 'bad', they will take whatever measures are deem necessary to take care of the problem rather than leaving it to others, even if the problem occurs on another world.

While Callisto does prefer rehabilitation as a first resort, it is one of the few worlds which have an outright death sentence, though this is considered to be a last resort, and many forms of truth and forensic magics will be used to determine a perpetrator's guilt before such measures are reached.

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Butterflies and Boon:

Because Wild Magic is so prevalent on Callisto, it is not uncommon for Magicals to undertake the challenge of Nature's Boon, travelling to Graynor to train under the Ancestral Spirit of Nature in order to learn to work with Wild Magic and not suffer the normal, and oft unpleasant consequences.

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Care of the Crown:

The governance of Callisto is considered to be one of the oddest of the Magical Dimension. The ruler is granted the title of Emperor or Empress (->Their Imperial Majesty), and since the title is not passed through bloodlines or marriage, the spouse or children of the ruler are granted no special titles.

The title is passed after an event called The Corona, a 'ceremony' which can last for a decade. (The longest Corona being 11 ½ years.)

The Corona is begun when the reigning Emperor/Empress feels that they are close to the end of their reign. They select several candidates from the fairies, wizards and witches of Callisto who are in, or are working towards, positions in the Callistei government.

These candidates are granted the title of prince of princess for the duration of the Corona, and are often sent to act as representatives of Their Imperial Majesty in instances of interplanetary meetings of royals.

The rules of the Corona state that there must not be less than three candidates, though no maximum has been specified, and the largest group of candidates recorded was twelve. Candidates may 'abdicate' during the Corona, dropping themselves from the running, but in any instance where all but one candidate 'abdicate' an official inquiry must be held to ensure no foul play has taken place.

A candidates inability to Bond with an Astri Ursin does not insure their failure to ascend to the ruling title, but it is very rare for a candidate without such a bond to become ruler, having happened only three times in the recorded history of Callisto.

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Despite – or perhaps because – of the reputation of Callisto, it has good relations to almost every world, though it shares especially good relations with Solaria, which is their closest, inhabited planetary neighbour.

(This is especially fruitful for Callisto, as Solaria lies directly in the travel path from Callisto to Magix, one of the Magical Dimension's 'hub' Worlds which are considered to be 'neutral' in the Magical Dimension's politics as they are often Colony Worlds, built by many cultures coming together to create a shared space.)

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Varanda of Callisto – Fairy of Protection

A Corona candidate at the time of Winx Club Season 1, Varanda became friends with Princess Stella of Solaria during a political conference before Stella's first year at Alfea. Despite her candidacy Varanda was slated to attend Alfea on Magix, but decided to remain on Callisto after a 'small' series of attacks on her home world changed her mind, she felt that she would be able to do more good on Callisto than at Alfea. (She was correct, and earned her Enchantix on Callisto shortly before the siege of Magix several weeks later.)

Varanda's magical abilities lie with protection and defence, and she is one of the few magicals alive capable of constructing a Devouring Shield, a magical shield which eats the magical energy of any attack that strikes it, converting the attacking energy into extra shield power.

Though her hair is darker and her eyes greener, Varanda bears a striking similarity to Bloom of Domino. This is an ethnic similarity made more apparent by the rarity of the people of Domino. Varanda's grandmother was a refuge from Domino. (If stories are to be believed, Varanda's Grandmother was a member the Dragon's Teeth warriors of Domino when the first siege happened, and was off-World – escorting wounded to a nearby planet for medical treatment due to the loss of medical facilities on Domino – when the second siege happened.***)

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Notable Fauna:

Callisto is home to the Astri Ursin, or Celestial Bears. One of the few creatures that can interact with Wild Magic without ill effects, it is often sought after by magic practitioners crazy enough to pursue the 'mastery' of Wild Magic.

The Astri Ursin are often the Bonded animal companions of the rulers of Callisto, and so have a sacred place in the culture of the World.

On a smaller scale, Callisto is also home to the Bardic Glider, a small creature similar to Earth's sugar gliders which live in colonies and possess a group memory they can share with other creatures they trust. Bardic Gliders are very small, the largest of the species requires one and half (average adult) hands to hold securely, while most only require one.

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*Keystone Worlds:

Like Solaria is the planet of the Sun, Ruler of the Worlds of Celestial Bodies and Primary House of Light, as Zenith is the World of Technology, Keystone worlds have existed since almost the beginning, and represent Aspects of Reality and the Nature of the Universe. Keystone Worlds were created by the Great Dragon to bring Order to the Universe, like Fairies and Witches had a Thematic Power source, Keystone Worlds also belong to a Thematic Domain. Thematic Domains can be anything from Nature to the Aspect-of-Nature-which-is-Plants, to Technology, to a specific celestial body, to all celestial bodies, to a terrain like the sandy deserts, to an aspect such as death itself.

One of the few Aspects that is not truly represented is War, though several 'Warrior races' exist, and there are Worlds with 'proving grounds' for young warriors to test themselves, no Planet or World is Thematically Dedicated war. It was thought that War was not considered to be a natural Aspect of Reality, but debates rage on, because the existence of Zenith proves that even things which are created by beings lesser than the Great Dragon are considered to be 'natural Aspects', War should therefore be considered a 'natural Aspect'.

Magical Historians and Religious researchers also agree that one of the natural states of the universe at the time of creation is in fact Conflict, which is to say, 'War'.

Some philosophers posit that a World under the Thematical Dominion of War would not last long and would quickly self destruct, and given the history of wars through out the Magical Dimension, it is possible that to avoid such a fate, the Dominion is shared by all Worlds, just as they all share the Thematic Dominion of Order by the sheer virtue of their purpose in the Magical Dimension.

These philosophers are not well loved and are often considered mad or insane.

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4th Wall Break:

**I honestly picture the Callistei a mix of the Xena/Hercules Amazons, and the Star Wars Mandalorian race.

***Varanda’s grandmother’s name is Europa. Yes, that Europa (I think I’m so smart😉)

[crowdedimagines]

Flying - Harry Styles

“Thank you for joining us today, Mr. Styles.” I greet as he boards the plan, a few people follow him.

“Thanks, love.” His face is graced with what has to be the warmest smile I’ve ever seen, “Harry is just fine.”

I knew this day was coming, it was the only way for me to mentally prepare so I didn’t freak out. I’ve been a fan of Harry’s for a long time. When I started working as a flight attendant for a private airline, I never imagined it would have me serving him for a ten hour flight.

It’s only a small group of people, Harry and his bandmates. His manager and an assistant and that’s everyone on board. I’ve had to deal with other celebrities who travel with an entire entourage which can make things difficult.

“Can I get you anything?” I ask the question over and over a few times jotting down everyone’s requests.

“Yes, could I just get some water?”

“Absolutely.” I smile, walking away to prepare drinks in the small station I have towards the front of the plane.

I pass out the drinks back to everyone. It seems like it’s going to be a fairly chill flight, everyone seems tired. Just as I reach to hand Harry his water we hit a patch of turbulence, it’s successful in knocking some of the water out of the cup and onto both of us.

“I am so sorry.” I reach for a napkin to dab up the spilled water.

“No worries, y’can’t control the sky, love.” He’s teasing, I can tell by the smile on his face.

I smile and go back to my little hideaway and pull the door shut. Of course he’s just as sweet as you dream your favorite celebrity would be. I start preparing food that I’m sure they’ll be craving soon. It’s a long flight to say the least. I go back out to offer warm blankets, I’ve picked up on the vibe that this isn’t going to be a party flight, at least not right now.

“Thank you.” A girl smiles.

“Of course.”

I hold one out to offer Harry which he happily accepts.

“It’s still warm.” He raves.

I nod with a laugh. I’m surprised that he’s shocked by this, it’s not like he’s new to fame.

“I try my best.” I laugh. I turn to walk away, Harry being the last person that wanted a blanket for the flight.

“Umm?”

I stop in my tracks.

“Yes?” I smile, glad that he needs my attention for something else.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“What’s your name? You said it at the beginning, but I was a bit distracted and I’m afraid I’ve missed it.” He says with what seems like genuine curiosity in his eyes.

“Y/n.” I grin.

“Y/n.” He repeats back to himself, he settles back into his seat a little more. He seems more satisfied now.

“Is there anything else I can get you?” I inquire.

“No, I think I’m alright then.” He smiles, looking back up at me, “Thank you, Y/n.”

“Of course, Mr. Styles.”

“Harry.” He reminds.

“Harry.” I agree, even though it feels weird to drop the formality.

Everyone settles after that, finally falling asleep or starting movies. I take a seat while I can, I need to serve a meal to them soon, we’re already a few hours into our flight. I turn the lights back on in the cabin and ask if anyone would like anything to eat. Everyone wants snacks, only a few meals are requested. I get to talk to Harry for a few more minutes when I bring him his food.

I sigh as I sit down, I’ve been on my feet for a while now consecutively.

“Y/n?” A voice calls, successfully surprising me. I stand up to see that Harry has ventured to my end  of the plane.

“Yes?”

“I was just wondering if I could get some more water.”

“Of course, I’m sorry about that.”

“No, it’s fine, you just brought us out food. I didn’t want to stress you out, I wasn’t in a rush.”

I grab a glass bottle from the small fridge and reach for a glass to pour it into.

“Actually, can I just have the whole thing? I’m sorry I drink a lot of water.”

“Nothing to be sorry for.” I hand him the bottle.

“Thanks, love.” Harry walks back to his seat, I try not to watch him the entire time.

The rest of the flight is fairly uneventful. It’s always seemed to me that time goes by faster when you’re up in the sky. The fresh air is nice, even if it’s dark and cold tonight in London. I wish everyone a goodbye and thank them for flying with us.

Everyone other than the pilots get off, and wait patiently for the cargo to be unloaded.

“You’re staying in London tonight?” Harry asks, noticing the suitcase at my side.

“I am.” I nod, “I can’t exactly do another shift after that ten hour one.”

“Makes sense.” He agrees, “Do you at least get to stay long?”

“I fly back to the states at five tomorrow morning.”

“That sounds bloody awful.” He doesn’t bother trying to sugar coat it.

“It won’t be too bad.” I smile.

We both start wordlessly walking towards the hanger and away from the runway.

“You were an easy enough group. I can only hope for the same tomorrow.”

“It was nice to meet you, Y/n.” Harry turns to face me suddenly. I’m sure that the nice town car we’re standing in front of is his ride.

“It was nice to meet you too Mr. Sty-Harry.” I correct. “It was nice to meet you, Harry.”

I go towards the airport so I can get a taxi to my hotel. I take one more glance back over my shoulder to notice that Harry is still outside his car, watching me go. With a little more enthusiasm I keep walking.

I don’t see Harry again for a few months.

“Y/n, someone’s put in a request for you to fly with them from New York to Los Angeles.” My boss, Sam, informs.

“What?” I’m a little shocked, it’s not very often that guests have requests on who they want on their crew. If they do, it’s usually for a certain pilot.

“Yes, Harry Styles. It’s on Wednesday.” He looks up at me, “I assume you’ll be taking this?”

“Yeah.”

I shouldn’t be this excited for a six hour flight, but the fact that it’ll be with Harry is exciting. I put a little more effort when I get ready in the morning, though I would never tell anyone that.

“And so we meet again.” I grin, seeing the familiar brit step on board.

“Must be my lucky day.” He smirks.

“I don’t know if you can call it luck if you request for me to work your flight.” I tease.

“They told you? I didn’t know they would tell you I asked, I thought they would just put you on the schedule for this flight.”

“Not quite how it works.” I smirk.

He rolls his eyes and walks further into the plane. I turn to the entrance to see no one is following him this time. He has no group of people accompanying him.

“Flying solo?” I ask with a laugh.

“I’m afraid I am.” He sighs as he sits down.

“Well then, I guess we’ll get going.” I leave him to get settled. We take off and I come back to see if he needs anything.

“No, I ate just before I got to the airport so I’m fine, thank you.”

I smile and walk away to give him space.

“Actually, would you mind staying?” He asks, I slowly turn back around to face him.

“What?”

“It’s just awfully lonely back here without anyone else. You can just take a seat out here to hang out.” I’m sure he sense my hesitance, “I promise I won’t talk your ear off, if you want to just take a nap, I would respect that too.”

“Harry, but this is my job.” I laugh, “I’m not supposed to nap.”

“Actually since you’re since you’re a private airline you’re supposed to cater to me. I want you to relax.”

He’s got me there, even if it’s not the most professional thing to do.

“Fine.” I huff, taking a seat across from him.

“So, what do you want to talk about?” I ask after a moment of silence. It doesn’t take much to dive into several conversations. Making conversation with a rockstar is easier than you would think. Or at least with this rockstar it is. As time goes on I get more comfortable with not being professional around him.

“I’m grabbing a blanket, do you want one?” I ask, getting up and stretching from my spot.

“That would be lovely.” He agrees.

I come back with a blanket for each of us. I kick off my heels and I’m grateful to have something to cover my legs a bit.

“Did you have that tattoo the last time I saw you?” He asks abruptly.

“No, it wasn’t. I’m surprised you even noticed it.” I smile looking down at the small airplane that now adorns my finger.

“May I?” He reaches out his hand to get a closer look. I lean forward and hold my hand out for him to take. His hands are warm as he inspects my tattoo a little more closely.

“I quite like it.” He gives me my hand back, “Is it your first?”

I shake my head while I feel a reddish blush take over my face.

“What other tattoos do you have?” Harry asks, getting more and more excited with the idea that I have more hidden away.

“It’s a secret.” I tease.

“A secret?” He scoffs with a smile, “What’s the point in having a tattoo if it’s a secret?”

“Are you telling me the whole world knows about all of your tattoos?” I ask with a raise of my brows. It’s finally his turn for his face to take on a pink hue.

“Touché.” He smirks, “So what’s the meaning behind it? Like I get that it’s kind of your job, but knowing you I feel like there’s more to the story.”

“There is. I’ve always loved traveling, it’s always been my favorite thing to do. Flying was always something that’s called to me. Even as a kid I encouraged turbulence.”

We both laugh.

“It’s also a reminder to not get lost in the work and to remember to travel for me.”

“Wow, that’s quite fantastic.”

I never thought it would happen, but after talking some more I managed to actually fall asleep. I wasn’t all that tired, I had flights before this one, but this has hardly been my hardest day. I start to wake up as we begin our descent.

“Good morning, sleepyhead.” Harry laughed.

“Oh my god, I actually fell asleep.” I sit up straighter, I’m certain I didn’t have my blanket pulled up this high when I fell asleep. I mentally blame Harry as the culprit. I reach for my heels to put them back on. The last thing I need is a pilot to come out and catch me half asleep and barefoot.

“By any chance are you free after this?” Harry asks, I stand at the bottom of the stairs and walk him to his car. It’s an odd sense of deja vu for being in a different city and the sun is just starting to set.

“I’m afraid not, I’m flying to Vegas with a bachelor party in about a half an hour.” I roll my eyes, this is going to be night and day compared to the flight I was just on.

“Good luck with that.” He smiles.

“Thanks.”

“Until next time?” Harry says with a hint of a question at the end.

“Next time.” I nod.

The gap between seeing each other is highly reduced from the first time. It’s only two weeks later when I am requested to fly with Mr. Styles again.

“Back to New York?” I tease, watching him walk up to the jet.

“Yeah, haven’t you heard, I’m doing SNL.” He grins.

“You’re what?” I gasp.

“Yeah.” He nods, his soft smile showing off his dimples and it shows just how humble he still is.

“You remember Jeff, right?” He asks, gesturing to his manager.

“I do, nice to see you again.” I smile. Harry isn’t flying alone this time, but he doesn’t have quite the crowd as the first time I flew with him.

Everyone settles and we take off without a hitch. I come out to check in on everyone, I grab a few things, but almost everyone has headphones in to relax. Harry’s leg is bouncing up and down rapidly, I’ve never seen him look so nervous.

“Harry.” I say grabbing his attention, “Are you okay?”

He pushes back his curls off his forehead before giving me an answer.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.”

In the hours that I’ve spent talking with him I know that this is a lie. His face is slightly pale and his leg hasn’t skipped a beat.

“Are you sure?” I ask, taking a step closer.

He pauses for a second before nodding and turning to face the window. I walk away before I let myself worry anymore. I’m sure it’s just the stress of doing Saturday Night Live.

Later, I pass Jeff his drink when suddenly I feel a nudge on my arm. I turn to see Harry is smiling.

“What’s up?”

“I got you a gift.” He blurts.

“You what?” I ask, my jaw hanging low.

“Yeah, here just take a seat.”

Hesitantly I take a seat. What is he talking about? Harry reaches for his bag that’s been tucked away on the floor next to him the whole flight. He rummages through it before producing a small black and white box.

“Here.” he quickly shoves the small box in my hands. It takes me a few seconds to process and read the Gucci label printed on the ribbon over and over again.

“Harry, you didn’t.” I sigh, but he only nods gaining excitement, “This is too much.”

“No it’s not.” He shakes his head, “I saw it, and I just knew I had to get it for you.”

I shake my head softly as I pull at the ribbon. There’s no point in fighting him on this, he’s too stubborn. The lid pops off and there’s a small white pouch with Gucci engraved on it. Way too fancy. I open it and let the piece of jewelry fall out into my palm. As soon as I see it, my heart swells.

“It’s an airplane.” I state.

“It is.” He smiles.

It’s a beautiful necklace, simple yet elegant. It’s perfect.

“I love it. Thank you so much.” I look up at him, “It’s really too much, but I really like it.”

“Good.”

Without asking permission I lean forward to pull him into a hug. A small thank you for the gesture. We pull apart and Harry reaches out for the necklace, he motions for me to turn around. His hand brushes against my neck as he moves my hair, causing goosebumps to raise all over my body. He reaches around and clasps it, letting it settle.

“It’s beautiful.” I admire.

“I have one more thing.” Harry whispers.

“No more gifts, please.” I laugh.

“No, it’s not a gift.” He smiles, taking my hands in his, “Will you go out with me? On a date. Please say yes, because I really want to date you. Otherwise I’m going to have to keep flying all over the world.”

It’s by far the fastest I’ve ever heard Harry talk for as long as I’ve known him.

“I would very much like to go on a date, Harry.” I grin.

“Thank god, otherwise that would be an awkward rest of the flight.” Jeff chimes in.

We both roll our eyes once we notice we had a little audience listening to us.

“Can we make that date tonight?” Harry asks, “If you don’t have another flight after this.”

“I don’t.” I smirk, “I’m done flying for the night.”

“This is going more perfectly than I could’ve planned.” He laughs.

“Once we’re on the ground in New York, I’m yours.”

comment opinions plz😏

[sty-rex]

Writing so bad pacing around my house wouldn't cut it

[willowaudreykeyes]

Okay: I’ve watched it 4 times and here’s the things about the episode that I find interesting. Or that I’m looking too much into. You guys can all decide because idk.

- Roman seems to make alliterations when he's shocked? He's done it before, but now he's done it again and when he's surprised that Thomas 'lied' or 'tricked' the ticket person.

- Virgil has resting disappointed face even as he eats popcorn.

- Roman is very dramatic about the age thing. "He's in his thirties, he may as well be in his sixties." "Can't think of new excuses quick enough in his old age."

- "I love you" is very big words. Do not use them, or forget them, lightly around Virgil.

- Have they always been on his back so much about lying, or was it only after Janus was introduced?

- Possibility: Romans eyes actually change into hearts when cute guy appears?

- Also: Roman goes into Shakespearean when cute guy appears.

- Roman is so optimistic when it comes to love! But not about other Sides? He's rather pessimistic when it came to Virge (at the beginning) and Janus. And kinda Remus too.

- Roman has used "We don't know if he's not gay" more times then the three can count.

- Pins equals introverts way of talking apparently. I guess that makes sense, since there’s pins for almost every kind of hobby, and Virgil knows this too.

- Roman sounds rather happy when they found out that Nico likes Paramore. Supporting his emo friend and his hobbies right there.

- “The Nightmare Before Christmas” is and will always be a Prinxiety thing. Did you see those star eyes Roman gave? And how happy-surprised Virge was?

- Virgil does think about romance too. “You can live like Jack and Sally, if you want.” Kind of cute.

- Virgil has eyes like a damn hawk. He saw those pins and went full on x10 zoom on them.

- Roman’s got some adorable music happening when more clues appear.

- Sticker/Button System must be followed or Virge no happy.

- Roman is almost as good as Patton with puns, except he has to explain it. Has he done that before? I feel like he has. I feel like this is a thing but I’m not sure.

- Roman and Virgil have about the same wavelength when it came to the creepy stalking-ish part. They both cringe when Thomas goes off to the side.

- If you use a word at the end of a sentence that sounds like a name at Roman, he thinks you got his name wrong. He did it at some other point I can’t remember when but he does this. Kind of feels like a autism and/or ADHD trait? (I know I for sure get confused sometimes)

- “Great... he’s gay” “Great indeed...” “GREAT INDEED” I love them. Just gonna say that again.

- Roman has this big thing about his name and it doesn’t seem like its a thing he’s faking? He seems genuinely confused. The one that’s two above mentions it, and the way he spelt it at the trial? And how he seemed very defensive when Janus spelt it wrong? This is a thing.

- Virgil is a self-proclaimed expert of anti-social etiquette and I say he deserves that title. 

- Virgil also really likes non-verbal ways of communicating. 

- Roman does the thing where you put your two pointer fingers together and its adorable.

- Fast head nod of agreement coming from Roman here. Over dramticness? Or actual quirk?

- Roman very much freaks out when flirting goes wrong. Not just a Virgil thing. 

- Virgil be scaring Thomas with zero regrets when he lost his test that the Universe gave him.

- Virgil be very glad to admit when he’s panicking. He also has admitted when he’s anxious in the past. He knows it, acknowledges it, makes Thomas and the others deal with it because dealing with it isn’t in the job description.

- Roman’s fine with compromise! Virgil gives an idea that attempts to help the romance part, Roman’s not 100% happy but rolls with it. Besties right here (even if they don’t know it). He does have a limit though.

- Nicknames are forever with Roman.

- Virgil is on Thomas’ left side, the more ‘thinky’ side of the brain. Roman is on the right, the more ‘feely’ side of the brain. It’s kind of more obvious in the scene where they grab Thomas a lot.

- Roman really slips with his feelings when he’s stressed. He says stuff that’s usually more about his self-worth. “You’re making a mistake.” “If I am, I’ll add it to the list.” That was said under a lot of stress and frustration. He’s done it before and he’s done it again; except now they don’t address it and it’s just a passing sentence.

- pLaNt

- Virgil would rather embarrass Thomas by making him talk to a stranger, instead of the guy that he thinks is cute? I mean, its very embarrassing by the end of it and Virge barely seems affected by it.

- And now Virgil is compromising. He works with Roman to make sure that Thomas looks okay (the “check your teeth” line).

- idk wtf the sty’s thing is about. Weirdly placed anxiety over it? Or something?

- Roman is very impulsive and basically throws Thomas into the trash can when a bad thing happens in front of a lot of people. Ego was definitely hurt there. Why hide instead of run away? Did Virgil sorta influence that?

- Plans help anxiety. Pretty sure they’ve covered that topic before, but lets just do a recap in this I guess.

- Virgil is half the people on this platform “Cyberstalking... but real life”. I mean, everyone makes a metaphor that has an actual word behind it sometimes. 

- “Try Speaking from the heart” ... I expected Patton, but there has been moments before where a Side who is expected to be there, isn’t there. Logan showed this in “Moving On” when he physically left but he never REALLY left. Patton showing up to add his own words to this may have been too much for him? Or he thought it would be for the others?

- Ah crap here’s the monologue-

- First off, it’s very honest. Full on honesty. With no holding back. And it really hit the feels; but is it realistic though? (Genuinely asking I’ve never been in that kind of situation)

- Very rambly too “I honestly don’t know what I’m doing at the mall today. I don’t know what I was looking for... I guess that answers my question- The mall is where you go when you want something but you don’t know what it is because the mall has everything.” Very rambly, very nervous, very honest.

- Roman and Virgil are very... in awe? Shocked? What is this? Roman looks so contemplative as he looks at himself in the mirror and I wanna be in his brain and know what he’s thinking.

- “I don’t know a lot about anything. Least of all, myself.” Okay, Janus just pulled all the way away for a full minute and forty-eight seconds (this is 99% accurate) to just let Thomas talk and feel didn’t he? This is just complete honesty.

- Anyone would be awkward with the guy coming out of that stall. I’m awkward thinking about it and seeing it again. Moving on-

- “I gotta stop wooing strangers in bathrooms” just a 3000 word fic of at least one other time that he’s done this and I will be yours forever

- Virgil is a dramatic emo who dislikes lying. Crossed arms, waiting outside for him, looks up when he says “you know what I meant”- They’re all part of an actor your at least a LITTLE dramatic.

- Virgil has a big thing about lies and relationships. This has to do with him and Janus’ relationship somehow- It’s about Thomas’ relationships with friends and his romantic life too. He didn’t seem as annoyed about them in the ‘Lies’ song way back when which didn’t mention lying about any type of relationship.

- “Can’t have true love if the relationship isn’t built on truth.” Is this what he was thinking about in the bathroom? Its a cute line either way. 

- Okay, Roman and Janus have some kind of... something. Cause a lot of Roman’s talks about his goals for Thomas pushes Thomas into relying on Janus until Roman realises that it’s morally bad OR (as seen in the talk after the bathroom scene) when he realises that it’ll be bad for Thomas in the long run.

- “Will (D)deceit continue to be the answer to all of your problems? Is that fair to him?” HIM WHO!? Janus or Nico!? Both!? AHHHH! This could mean so much in any direction you throw it but I can’t find the dang words!! “No, he’s better off without me.” This could just be Thomas misunderstanding the ‘him’ Virgil means too or he does understand idk-

- “I was afraid you left!” *INSERT TWO SIDES SCREAMING HERE* Hahaha he’s literally screaming on the inside omg-

- “He fears things too!?” Virgil doesn’t understand how people work when he’s worked up. Duly noted.

- Roman and Virgil equals A Gay Panic

- Thomas’ first thought when panicked is to ask the guy, that he thinks is cute and has been trying to get the attention of for the last while, ‘what is wrong with you?’ ... 10/10 Thomathy

-  .Roman seems... a little resigned that another ‘chance at happiness’ is walking away? I mean, he’s super sad but resigned to his fate. That’s sad as hell. He’s USED TO THIS and I don’t like that 😢

- Virgil’s scene where he looks between, NOT Thomas, but Nico and Roman, is really well done and filled with... a lot. He psyches himself up first of, taking in quick breaths before pushing Thomas, obviously afraid but still doing it anyway. And the look he gives a very resigned Roman looks like its both guilt and sadness. Could just be me thinking that he has a ‘this is my fault’ thing.

- Full on surprise on Roman’s face when Virgil pushes Thomas. No one was expecting that.

- Carrots. The carrots brought them together. Thomas... you don’t have to eat carrots, but at least say ONCE that they aren’t all bad.

- “I like songs” you’ve also written some and sung x5 as many but okay, go with that I guess. (Is this to not brag about being a singer right away? I guess so?)

- If Nico was writing about something that happened midway through his visit to the food court, what was he writing about before that? Did he have nothing until Thomas tripped over the bin?

- “I tend to waste a lot of opportunities in my life” Then cuts to Virgil. Ouch. Direct hit on Virge...

- BRAVERY. (i’ll get back to this-)

- “Shut up, emo.” No complicated nicknames; just the easy picking. Very cute. Very yes. Roman your a sap and its great.

- When Thomas is telling Roman to ‘get out’, he sinks down and is he biting his thumb? He’s still excited. And I’m adding ‘biting’ to his list of stims.

- Virgil claps his hands.  Roman and Virgil both cover their mouths. Both yell. Manic hand movements. Virgil gets Thomas to walks around and flappy hands. (And the nervous pee too I guess?)

- OKAY. EYESHADOW. Big thing, also new. I believe that it may be him ‘growing’ as a Side. First, he believed that he was JUST Thomas’ anxiety. Then comes to term with being more then that, which helps him become a ‘Light Side’. And now, he’s learnt that ‘fear’ and ‘bravery’ can both be present at the same time and is now growing from that as well. So, his back and forth between black and purple could mean a back and forth of the ‘fear’ and ‘bravery’ aspects. Thomas about to send a bad tweet? Black. Optimistic about things ‘never being the same again’? Purple. Thomas bringing up that they just met? Black. Its a promising start? Purple again.  Purple when something optimistic, its purple. Pessimistic, its black. There’s a thing happening there.

- And also, lots of smiley Virgil when he goes purple. Brave enough to smile? Or optimistic enough to be truly happy about it?

- “Join me! No thinking!” Okay, all the ‘Roman Himbo’ stans have already gone nuts over this so I’ll keep going XD

- Roman’s first date idea is to go to France immediately and I love him for being so honestly over-the-top

- Dogs are the demons of anxiety its now a fact. They even bring out the Tempest Tongue, despite hearing the dog “thirty times a day”.

- Do not tell Virgil to relax. Black eyeshadow. Very on brand tbh. He does not relax and you should know this by now Roman.

All in all; I love them and the entire episode ❤️ 🧡 💛 💚 💙 💜

[thiswasinevitableid]

#56, OT4, NSFW if possible. Thank you for providing Winter-y cheer for us all!

You’re welcome! And this is indeed NSFW

56. my little sibling/cousin makes me sit on santa’s lap and when santa asks me what I want for christmas, I blurt “someone to love” and you’re the cute elf that overhears (or I blurt ….[insert here]) 

He’s exhausted, but he promised he’d take his cousins to see Santa after work while his aunt does some shopping. As is traditional, half the Newton family is already in town, even though it’s three and a half weeks until Christmas. 

Dove and Robin each take their turns, and then insist in that terrifyingly forceful way of six year olds that Duck do so as well. Given he nearly blew it last year when they asked him if Santa was real, he decides he should play along. At least he changed out of his work uniform first so fewer of the other mall employees will recognize him as a twenty-three year old man sitting on Santa’s lap.

“And what would you like for Christmas, young man?”

“Ned, please, make this easy” he hisses at the man playing Santa. 

“Well, then, answer the question dear boy.”

“I, uh, I really want…”

He can’t lie and say something bland, and the only thing he’s really hoping for this winter is-

“I want to get laid.”

He regrets the words and all of his life choices as Ned booms out a laugh. His cousins are too busy studying the toys strewn about the room to hear, so he counts that as his luck for the day, takes their hands, and hurries off into the mall.

------------------------------------

“He really said that?” Barclay looks back at Stern as he restocks cookbooks.

“Yes. I was photo elf today so he didn’t see me cracking up.”

“Don’t know why they hide their cutest elf away like that.”

“Because I’m tall.” 

Barclay turns, glances around to be sure no one is watching, and kisses his cheek. 

“Nah, you’re perfect.”

He blushes; even after nine months of dating, Barclay has a way of acting as if he’s in a perpetual state of falling for him. 

“What did the guy look like?”

“On the shorter side, and his eyes where two different colors. Works at R.E.I.” It’s his best attempt to protect Duck’s dignity.

A conspiratorial smile crosses his boyfriends face, “Keep an eye out for my manager for a sec, babe?”

“Of course. What are you doing?”

“Matchmaking. I hope.”

-------------------------------------

Duck’s on duty in the tent and sleeping bag area when Indrid Cold appears. Indrid works at the tattoo shop across the way, and has a habit of taking lunch the same time Duck does, sitting on a metal bench and trying to draw. The mall gets crowded and loud around then, and two months ago Duck started sneaking him into a back corner of the store so he can have lunch in peace. Indrid, a few years his senior, with his tongue piercing and tattoos, the ratty black pants and various tank-tops that show off a skinny frame Duck would love to get his hands on, is the kind of guy Duck would’ve had a crush on.

Now, Indrid is the kind of guy who makes him so hard he does embarrassing-ass things like say “I need to get laid” in front of his cousins.

Indrid leans his shoulder on the wall, grinning, red glasses making him resemble the mothman tattoo on his right arm. 

“Howdy, sir, got questions about the tents?” Duck smirks. 

“Indeed. Which one is best for sex?”

Duck barks out a laugh, claps a hand over his mouth when a nearby shopper gives him a funny look. 

“Any that ain’t a one-person deal. That your way of tellin me you got a hot date tonight?”

“I might” Indrid peers of the rims of his glasses, “a little bird told me you had a rather, ah, explicit Christmas wish.”

“Aw fuck, who even heard me othern’n Ned?” 

“I suspect it was Joseph. Poor man is stuck being an elf, and it was Barclay who texted me the hint.”

“Ughhhhwait-” Duck stares at him, “you came over here to ask me if, uh, if I wanted to, uh-”

“Yes. Oh dear, was my innuendo unclear? Or was it not even an innuendo?”

Duck has him against the wall in two steps, not touching him but bringing his mouth up to growl in his ear

“Your place, sugar?”

“I get off at seven.”

“Won’t be the only time you get off, I gauran-goddamn-tee it.”

----------------------------------

Indrid’s grip is flatteringly eager as he pins Duck to the door of his trailer.

“Damn, sugar, didn’t know you wanted me that badAhnnnnnohfuckyeah.” He rolls his hips as Indrid yanks his collar down to set hickeys in his skin.

“I have though you were attractive from the moment I saw you, and have wanted to fuck you since that time you made yourself laugh so hard you nearly snorted soda out of your nose.”

“Kinky.” 

“I meant” Indrid grabs and shoves and guides him across the floor, “that the moment I saw that smile I wanted to see what other smiles I could draw from you.” The kiss is a counterpoint the heated touches, so gentle and sincere Duck changes course.

“Fuck it” he hops up onto the kitchen table, discarded illustrations crunching under him, “I can’t wait anymore, you’re so fuckin cute, all fuckin romantic and shit.” He pulls him down into another kiss, groans as clever fingers undo his pants. Duck shifts as Indrid gets them mostly down, refusing to break the kiss all the while. The wire of the taller man’s glasses bumps his skin, and he finally gives in, pulling away so he can guide them off Indrid’s face. 

“I’d very much like to touch.” Indrid’s fingers are tense, poised on Duck’s thighs. He looks shyer without the glasses, almost virginal, which is fucking remarkable for a guy who came onto him in broad daylight. 

“Touch whatever you like, sugar, long as you let me do it back.”

“Gladly. I, ah, that is, should I stay on the outside?” 

He thinks, trying to sty a step ahead of his own brain to see if this is a day where penetration might set it off. 

“This time, yeah.” Duck hooks his legs round Indrids, keeping them close. 

“Does...that mean there might be a next time?” Indrid is gnawing his chapped bottom lip.

Duck waits for him to meet his eyes, then nods so Indrid can know what comes next is pure teasing. 

“Depends on how well you doOHfuck, ‘Drid, that’s it sugar, c’mon, jack me off.” He grinds his hips, Indrid experimenting with different movements, grinning every time Duck moans. 

“Touch me, please, Duck, I want you, want you so much.”

It takes a few seconds of fumbling and two muttered “fucks” before he gets Indrid’s pants undone enough to get his hand around his cock. A tattoo peeks out over either hip, and Duck decides his new plan for the winter is to discover every inch of Indrid’s skin with his mouth and hands. 

There’s a whine as Indrid buries his face into Duck’s shoulder, working him harder as Duck’s fingers go slick with pre-cum. 

“I, I am not going to last very long, wanted this too long, too much”

“Then cum for me, sugar.” He picks up the pace and in four strokes discovers Indrid isn’t kidding, the silver-haired man cumming down his hand. 

“D-don’t stop, don’t stop until I’ve made you cum. AH, ahnnnyes, yes” Indrid squirms with a delighted smile.

“You like that? Knowin I’m gonna wring you dry unless you get me off?” 

“Yes!”

“Fuck, you’re so fuckin needy, you’ll even take me bein rough just so you can fuck me.” He gives up on being gentle, moans when this makes Indrid find just the right pressure and speed. When he cums he let’s go of his cock, uses both hands to drag Indrid into a kiss and feels him shuddering with pleased little sounds. 

“Jesus fucking christ.” He slumps back on his elbows as Indrid drops into a chair, forehead resting on the table “shoulda opened my big mouth in front of Joe sooner.”

“Mmmhmm” Indrid bumps his arm with his nose. Then he cracks his eyes open, the shyness back full-force, “if, ah, if you need to get home I understand but, ah, I was wondering if you’d like to stay awhile?”

“Told my folks I’d be out late. You anglin to cuddle and steal my body heat?”

“Maybe.” A kiss to his arm now, Indrid gazing at him adoringly. 

“Then I’m gonna snuggle the hell out of you.”

Soon they’re nestled under the covers of Indrid’s bed, watching the Repair Shop and talking, Duck’s head on Indrid’s chest. 

“Kinda funny that our exes set us up, ain’t it?”

“You consider Joseph an ex?”

“Kinda? Sounds better than “friend I fucked a few times Freshman year of college.”

“True. I must admit, the thought does make me wish I’d been a fly on the wall.” Indrid freezes as soon as the sentence hits the air, “ah, that’s, I apologize, that just sort of came out.”

“No harm done.” Duck kisses the top of his head, ignoring the ideas conjured up by the admission. Why stick to Indrid watching when he could be involved? And he bets Indrid goes full-on tease with Barclay, something he’d love to see, and there is definitely a recurring fantasy of fucking Joe from behind while someone else came down his throat….

Later. He can think about those things later. Right now, he’s utterly content and happy to focus on the lilting voice rambling about art restoration and the bony hand holding his own. 

------------------------------------------

A side benefit of Duck and Indrid getting together is that they can now go on double-dates with himself and Barclay. Or, as Joseph is starting to call them “put all three men he’s attracted to in a room to see if he cracks” dates. He honestly didn’t mean for it to become that, but the more time they all spend together, the less he can deny the wish that it was just one, four-person date. 

His feelings for Barclay are self-explanatory; he’s his boyfriend of nearly a year who, among other things, treats eating him out as something akin to a religious experience. Indrid, he now understands, plays at his long-running interest in the strange and unusual. The fact his intriguing exterior hides someone a little awkward and very well meaning makes it all the better.

And then there’s Duck. They’d hooked-up a few times in college, when Joseph was newly out as trans, and being with someone who wasn’t weird about it had been the icing on the beefcake (a phrase he used once and made Duck laugh and fall off the bed). Duck has only gotten better with age and, looking at his strong arms and rounded face, the ass he wants to sink his fingers into, Joseph understands that the awe he felt whenever Duck was naked wasn't solely to do with the newness of the act. If ever there was a body to be worshiped, it’s Duck’s.

So, yeah, he’s had a lot to think about while listening to parents art director their children for their picture with Santa. 

Tonights “double date” is a little odd. He and Barclay are each getting a small tattoo (not matching, he’s too sure that’s a way to jinx things) courtesy of Indrid, with Duck tagging along so they can all go to dinner after. Barclay is the last client of the day, and Indrid’s boss locked the four of them in with a reminder to Indrid to arm the alarm when he leaves. Duck flips through magazines as Joseph reads off Buzzfeed Unsolved conspiracy theories for his entertainment. 

“You should do one of those shows. You got that whole nerdy but stylish thing going for you.”

“Duck, my work uniform is an elf costume.”

“But the rest of the time you look like Special Agent Cooper.”

He blushes, “Special Intern Stern is more like it.”

“You’re gettin there, city mouse.”

He looks up at the old pet name, just in time to see Duck throw an Adbusters up as cover and start talking about the image he’s staring out. Joseph lets him. For now. 

--------------------------------------

“There. A safely wrapped present to yourself.” Indrid double-checks the bandage on Barclay’s upper arm. 

“Thanks, man. Can’t wait to see what it looks like all healed. Sure it’s gonna look fucking great.” Barclay still sounds a little shaky from the adrenaline. 

Indrid allows himself a burst of pride that his friend thinks so highly of his work, “I just need to clean up and then we can be on our way.”

Barclay gives an affirmative grunt, staying in his chair. There’s a spike of fear in Indrid’s stomach; did he do something wrong? Is Barclay about to pass out?

Circling the chair to check replaces the fear with pure, skin-prickling lust. 

“My, my, is this why you’ve waited so long to get a tattoo?” 

Barclay whines, shaking his head, his eyes shut and his cock pitching an obscene tent in his jeans. 

“Are you lying?”

“N-no. I, uh, I mean I like pain, but I didn’t think this would happen.”

“That’s a new development.” Indrid leans against his workbench, enjoying the view. 

“Joseph and I have been trying out a bunch of things, figuring out what we like.”

“How very methodical. And unfortunate; if memory serves, once you get wound up it takes time for you to unwind.”

“Indrid please” Barclay’s gritting his teeth. Indrid’s remembering just how fun it is to have such a big man wrapped around his finger. 

“Please what?” He cocks his head.

“I, fuck, I dunno, talk about weird morbid shit. Disasters. Anything that will make it go down.”

A sinful image enters his mind, unshakeable in it’s appeal. 

“I can do you one better. Joseph? Would you come here? I need your help.”

Barclay’s eyes snap open, Indrid grinning at the excitement in them. 

“Is everything alright?” Joseph steps through the door, Duck poking his head in worriedly after him. 

Indrid points to Barclays cock, “I have to clean up, and that needs to be seen to.”

“And you want me to, um, see to it with you two in the room?”

“Only if you are both comfortable-”

“Yes” Barclay and Joseph say it at the same time, the dark haired man crossing the floor and dropping to his knees in front of his boyfriend.

“Should I, uh?” Duck glances between the three. So polite, even when Indrid can see the flush spreading up his skin from here. 

“Please stay.” Joseph is panting, in spite of only now getting Barclay’s zipper down. 

“Barclay?”

“Fine by me, man. Long as you know I’m gonna fuck your boyfriend into the floor for fucking with me like this.”

“That I’d like to see.” Duck shuts the door, grabbing Indrid’s chair so he can sit.

“There is one caveat, sweetheart; you are not allowed to cum right now. I promise I’ll show you new ways of being rough with me if you do.”

“You drive a hard bargain, sugar.”

“No fucking kidding, maybe you should get to fuck him before me since he’s being so meEEan, fuck, yes babe, goddamn I love your mouth.” Barclay arches in the chair as Joseph sucks him off. Indrid’s own cock perks up at the sight, becomes insistent as he turns his back and cleans to the sound of Barclay growling profanity in time with the wet sound of his cock defiling Joseph’s throat. 

He gets things cleaned and in order as fast as his rapidly dwindling focus will let him, turns back to see Barclay whimpering as Joseph kisses and licks along his shaft. Duck is still seated, rubbing his thighs together as he watches them, hands digging into the faux-leather seat. Indrid supposes he should scold him for stimulating himself, but he looks so very handsome right now.

Instead, he strides over to the pair in his client seat and fists his hand into Josephs hair, gelled strands breaking free in his fingers as he guides his mouth back over Barclay’s thick cockhead.

“We do not have all night, pet. So get to it Snap twice if it needs to stop.” He pushes him down by his hair until Barclay’s pressing the back of his throat, then yanks him almost all the way up. Joseph moans steadily, blue eyes darting between him and Barclay beneath black lashes as Indrid forces him up and down. 

“Fuck, babe, you look so fucking good on your knees, taking my cock like a good boy.”

“Ahem.” Indrid manages to look stern. Barclay is just able to tilt his head up enough for Indrid to dip down and kiss his full lips.

“Thank you, baby, thank you for letting me get offAHshitshit.”

“Close, dearest?”

“Uhuh, socloseohfuck”

“Do you want to cum down his throat?”

“So bad, Indrid, please.”

“You heard him, pet.” He holds Joseph’s head down, pre-cum thoroughly staining his pants as Barclay jerks up and Joseph frantically gulps him down. He brings his head up without warning, gathering the stray droplets of cum from his lips and fucking them into his mouth with his fingers.

“Good boy.” He purrs and Joseph whimpers happily. 

He looks at Duck, and for a moment he’s terrified he went too far, ignored him for too long. His boyfriend’s eyes are wide and dark, locked onto where Joseph is still eagerly sucking his fingers. Slowly, his gaze drags up to Indrid, crooked smile blossoming as it does. 

“Indrid Cold, you’re a fuckin genius, and I am gonna fuck you into next week.”

---------------------------------

It’s not next week, but it is ten at night and Indrid is being fucked well into it. 

They’re at Joseph’s apartment, his lack of roommates giving them optimal privacy, and Indrid is on his back on the tidily made bed. Barclay fucks him hard, grunting out thank yous for the privilege, which Indrid would reward with praise were his mouth not currently occupied with Duck riding his face. Joseph is near his head as well, having cum earlier via Barclay’s tongue (“this one of the best goddamn things in the world and I’m gonna show you two how to do it right”) and now rapturously groping Duck. Indrid can’t quite hear all the praise he’s directing at Duck’s body, but he’s going to hazard a guess he agrees with the statements.

“Can, fuck, can one of you make him cum? Wanna feel this demanding little ass tighten.”

“On it.” Joseph grips his cock and oh, no wonder Barclay looks so blissful most days. The man gives masterful handjobs and Indrid cums hard, whimpering when neither Duck nor Barclay lets up. The base of Barclay’s cock thuds against his ass so hard he’s wondering if that part of him can bruise, and Joseph switches his attention to Indrid’s nipple piercings, toying with him just like Duck demonstrated, Indrid squeaking as he sucks Duck’s dick. 

There’s a groan as Barclay cums, working himself through it in Indrid’s increasingly sensitive ass while Duck cums on his face, petting his hair as his hips jerk. 

When he’s finally able to sit up, it’s to a portrait of tender debauchery. Barclays head is on his stomach, his beard and hair a royal mess that Joseph is gently stroking down to some semblance of order. Duck is snuggled up beside him, kissing his shoulders and holding Indrid’s hand. 

“That was, um, something.” Joseph murmurs. 

“A whole hell of a lot of somethin.” Duck opens his free arm so Indrid can nestle against him, Barclay shifting to put his head onto Joseph's thigh. 

“Is it...something we wish to happen again?” Indrid’s nerves creep back up.

“Hell yeah.”

“Yes.”

“Yep.”

“Thank goodness. I. Ah. I am realizing I am fond of all three of you and, ah, very attracted to all three of you as well.”

“We should lay out some ground rules, right?” 

Barclay’s stomach growls, “For sure, babe. But can we please get dinner while we do? I’m gonna start eating the strap on. 

“You better not, that one was expensive.”

They clean up themselves and the room, frequent kisses prolonging the process. As Barclay orders pizza and Indrid starts water for tea, Joseph loops an arm around Duck’s shoulders.

“We should get you to blurt out Christmas wishes more often.”

“You got a deal. Just, next time, not in front of Ned.”

[bigskydreaming]

What do you think about cereal obsessed dick? Is it real? Or... Do you have a headcannon about it too?

I mean, its not not real, its just been exaggerated to hell and back much like Tim’s coffee addiction. Y’know like, readers see a character do something at least five times over a span of several decades worth of comics and are like: This is a character trait!

Even if that thing is like….something as basic as eating cereal, which is a rather unremarkable thing many people do at many points in a year without it indicating an obsession with it or an inability to eat anything else ever. LOL.

So I mean, I’m not really partial to it myself….like, I think Dick eats cereal sometimes, I think he eats other things sometimes, I don’t think it really is a big deal one way or the other….BUT I tend to be annoyed by the overemphasis on it when paired specifically with the “Dick is incompetent in the kitchen and can’t cook and that’s WHY he ONLY eats cereal and takeout, pretty much” because….no.

Dick is very clearly established for a very LONG time as being perfectly capable of cooking, and even good at it. And there are maybe stories out there that claim he can’t cook, but they’re no more or less valid than the plentiful stories that claim he CAN cook, and more importantly IMO….there’s nothing remotely plausible about the idea that Dick can’t cook at least basics, enough to feed himself. Like, I’m not the most competent adult to ever adult, but I can authoritatively say you don’t need to be a graduate of chef school to make basic meals in the kitchen. You’re never going to convince me that a guy who is OBSESSED with self-reliance and independence and proving it at every turn possible….has never acquired a basic ability to feed himself, without relying on the family butler to cook his meals or else he’s helpless and has to resort to pizza and cereal. 

Especially when that guy is a world class athlete who has held that title since BEFORE he ever lived in a fancy manor, and child athlete prodigies kinda tend to grow up from day one with exceptional nutritional habits, you know? Dick knows how to feed himself, and he knows how to eat healthily to maintain his body at its peak at all times….since his body is his ultimate weapon and the thing he most relies on to do every thing that matters to him.

Like sure, I believe Dick has cheat days like anyone, and I can readily accept that he has a particular fondness for certain snack cereals and he likes to indulge himself every once in awhile. But that’s all. Anything more than that, I start to get wary because there’s this thing that a LOT of the fanon mannerisms or characteristics people give to Dick play into….and that’s his infantilization. The frequent take that this grown, hypercompetent man is actually a manchild who is helpless at taking care of himself without help…..unlike the rest of his siblings.

Please note, I mentioned Tim’s coffee addiction in fanon and that goes hand in hand with the idea that he hardly ever sleeps and needs people to MAKE him sleep or he neglects his self care….but this is a totally different thing because of the difference in how these takes are executed. With Tim, the tendency is to always directly correlate his poor sleep habits with his overworking….its a “positive trait” taken to unhealthy extremes….but the end takeaway is Tim is SO devoted to his work and his vigilantism that he constantly neglects himself in the process. This trope with Tim isn’t about Tim not being ABLE to take care of himself….its about Tim NOT CARING about taking care of himself….and his friends and family having to step in to make sure he does so. And to be fair, this execution of this particular trope has been done with Dick himself at times too.

But the thing I’m talking about that I take issue with is how many of the fanon characteristics applied to Dick all play into the same infantilizing idea he CAN’T take care of himself and is a disaster who his friends and family regularly roll their eyes at because they just don’t even understand how he made it to adulthood with as little life skills as he seems to have.

He can’t cook and eats unhealthy sugary cereals and takeouts, unless Alfred or someone else cooks for him or makes him eat properly……in other words….he can’t feed himself without help. Not at all in character for a self-reliant, independent individual who has been maintaining his physique at professional athletic levels since early childhood.

He has no fashion sense whatsoever and frequently walks around in public in garish, eye-gouging ensembles that constantly make him the laughingstock of his friends and family….in other words…he can’t dress himself without help. Not at all in character for a self-reliant, independent individual who has lived in the spotlight since early childhood, has been intimately acquainted with the classist and condescending reactions to his circus ensembles since an early age, and yet somehow also manages to at times come across as a charming, much-lusted after socialite frequently in the gossip pages (with zero commentary on having a reputation of being a fashion disaster) and at other times fly completely under the radar and go unnoticed because of how much he doesn’t want to be just known as Bruce Wayne’s heir (again, something that’s incompatible with the idea that he constantly stands out and draws attention due to a horrible fashion sense).

He lives in a pig sty and his place is constantly a mess with this being remarked upon and disgusting his friends and family every time they come over and ask how does anyone live like this…in other words….he can’t clean up after himself without help. Not at all in character for a self-reliant, independent individual who spent his early years living in a trailer in a circus without a butler, and who has frequently talked HAPPILY about pitching in with chores around the circus, something that seems to have been both expected and something he enjoyed doing, as befits a character who likes being productive and helpful and doesn’t have a lazy bone in his body….thus making me wonder where in the hell the impulse for him not to pick up after himself would even come from? Sure, his place has been drawn messy at times in the comics….so has the place of literally every other character who doesn’t actively live with a butler. The dude has been around eighty years. Of course he’s been drawn in a messy apartment over the course of that time. Sure, it makes sense there are times he’s untidy or lets things get out of hand, especially if he’s in say, a depressive spiral. That makes sense. The nonchalant depiction of someone who is just lazy or incapable of cleanliness though? Not so much.

But you see what I mean? Its suspect to me that so many of Dick’s fanon characteristics ALL individually and in cooperation work to depict him as someone who’s just hopeless at normal life skills without outside intervention. That’s classic infantilization, and its completely at odds with how much Dick prides himself on being able to stand on his own two feet, to not NEED anyone. 

Additionally, it all plays into the insistence on viewing him as spoiled or lazy or incompetent due to having grown up in a billionaire’s household….even though nobody puts the same degree of emphasis on that very billionaire being equally spoiled or lazy or incompetent….and again, it doesn’t at all fit ANY of Dick’s other characteristics or canon history as someone who didn’t spend his early years in the lap of luxury, has pointedly not spent any time SINCE his childhood living in the lap of luxury, and is the only Batkid to consistently insist on holding down a nine to five job not even because he NEEDS the money, but because he LIKES working, LIKES paying his own way.

Not to mention, this guy is widely regarded in universe as being one of the most capable strategists and team leaders in the world, has been a spy and numerous other things that require an EXTREME degree of self-reliance and necessitates him having a much wider spectrum of life skills than any regular individual has on average.

LOL. Anyway, sorry to go off about an innocent little cereal headcanon ask, but like….it all comes from the same place, I feel, and it all plays into the same results, and THOSE I have issues with, even though a fondness for cereal in and of itself is not really the issue. If that was all it ever was, I’d probably headcanon away about what specific sugary snacks he likes on his cheat days and why, where those particular choices stem from….but given that its hardly ever brought up in isolation, and that the fics that most emphasize his only eating cereal also tend to be the ones who insist he’s not allowed in the kitchen, can’t coordinate his outfits to save his life and his living room is a biohazard…..here is me going mmmmhmmm. Okay then.

[nico-drives-badly]

Pizza Delivery - DMC Edition

(A Parody of the Krusty Krab Pizza Episode from Spongebob)

[Episode begins in the Devil May Cry main office in Red Grave City, where Dante is messing around with a mop and bucket instead of actually cleaning the chairs]

Lady: Hurry up with those chairs, Dante! It's after closing! And I'd LIKE to go HOME!

[The phone rings.]

Dante: I GOT IT I GOT IT— [leaps for the phone, but Vergil answers it first, and Dante falls onto the floor]

Vergil: Hello? [listening to voice on the other end] Sir, I think you have the wrong num—

[Lady snatches the phone from Vergil]

Lady: Devil May Cry. How can I help you? [customer explains pizza order over the phone] Pizza? [suddenly remembers that Dante still owes her money and her eyes turn into dollar signs] Of course we have pizza!

Vergil: Lady—?!

Lady: Our delivery boy will bring it riiiight over. [cheerfully hangs up the phone]

Vergil: [flabbergasted] But Lady, we don't serve pizza!

[Lady grabs a leftover pizza box from Dante’s fridge and heats it up in the microwave. Then she slaps a “Devil May Cry” sticker over the original label.]

Vergil: [even more flabbergasted] We don't deliver!!

Lady: We don't deliver, but you do. [hands Vergil the pizza and starts to walk away]

Vergil: [runs after Lady] Can't you just get Dante to do it?!

Lady: Great idea! Take him with you.

[Dante finally stands up and slides over next to Vergil, giving him a troll-faced grin]

Vergil: [shouts after Lady as she departs] That's NOT what I had in mind!

[Scene changes to outside, where the Devil May Cry van is parked. Dante is checking the car while Vergil sits in the passenger seat.]

Dante: Front end...check! Antenna...check! Bumper...check! Bumper sticker... [gestures to bumper sticker that says "I Brake For Nuthin’, Deal With It Assholes"] ...check!

Dante: Tire pressure... [uncaps the tire pressure and puts his mouth in it like the dumbass he is, causing him to take in WAY too much air and start coughing and sputtering in Vergil’s face] ...check! All right, everything looks good!

Dante: [climbs into the driver’s seat] We're really making history here, Vergil. That lucky customer is (technically) going to get the first Devil May Cry Pizza ever! AND I can finally pay back Lady! Man, this is great. Why did I never think of this before?

Vergil: Whatever. Let’s just get this over with already.

[Dante starts to turn the ignition key, but then pauses suddenly.]

Dante: Wait a minute...I can't drive!

Vergil: What do you mean you can’t?! You literally drive a motorcycle!

Dante: Exactly! I only know how to drive a motorcycle! I never learned how to drive a van!

Vergil: [groans] Come on, Dante. It can’t be THAT different. Besides, it’s just around the corner.

Dante: Well, yeah, but—

Vergil: Just do what you do on a motorcycle.

Dante: Well, okay... [looks down at the gear shift and his mind goes completely blank] ...Wait, don't tell me.

Vergil: Back it up.

Dante: Huh?

Vergil: Back. It up.

Dante: Right. Back...it up... [grabs the stick shift and starts to pull it down, but he hesitates]

Vergil: Back it up!

Dante: OKAY OKAY!

Vergil: Shift into reverse, you fool!

Dante: ...Reverse? OH YEAH YEAH, REVERSE!

[Dante looks down at the gear shift, but the letters turn into random Japanese symbols in his mind.]

Vergil: BACK IT UP!

Dante: [suddenly shifts the car into reverse and floors it out of panic] Backing uUUUPPP! BACKING UP!!

Vergil: [desperately tries to grab the wheel from Dante as the van zips backwards at top speed] Give me the wheel, Dante! Give! Me! The! Wheel!!

Dante: Backing up! Backing up!

[The van roughly goes over a series of bumps]

Dante: Ba-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ack-i-i-i-i-i-ng u-u-u-up!

[Th van starts to spin in circles, leaving Dante and Vergil screaming.]

[The next morning, the van can be seen slowly emerging over the horizon, miles and miles away from their original location.]

Dante: Backing up...backing up...backing up...

[The van runs out of fuel and sputters to a stop in the middle of nowhere.]

Dante: ...Backing up.

Vergil: Well. You backed up. And you know what? [gestures to the empty fuel gauge] I think we're out of gas! And you know what else? [steps out of the van and screams into the abyss] WE’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!

Dante: [climbs out of the van with the pizza box in hand] And you know what else else? I think the pizza's getting cold.

Vergil: [sarcastically] OH, and the PIZZA’S cold? Oh, the pizza's COLD. Oooooh nooo, NOT the PIZZA! Oh, how could this get any WORSE—?!

[Vergil DTs and kicks the van’s bumper out of sheer frustration, which somehow fills the van back up with gasoline. The van starts to drive away into the distance without them, leaving Vergil standing in his SDT with his jaw hung open in shock]

Dante: Well...at least we can still deliver it on foot.

[Vergil narrows his eyes dangerously at Dante, but he reverts to his human form without another word.]

[Scene changes to Dante and Vergil walking on the side of the empty road. Vergil is griping with every step he takes, while Dante is singing terribly at the top of his lungs.]

Vergil: Ow, ow, ow...

Dante: 🎶 The DMC Pizza! Is the pizza! For you and me! The DMC pizza! Is the pizza—

Vergil: [interrupts Dante’s song in a mocking tone] 🎶—AND MY FEET ARE KILLING ME!

[Suddenly, Vergil trips over Dante, who is lying on the ground for hell-knows-what reason.]

Vergil: Dante? What are you doing?!

Dante: [rubbing the ground expertly] It's an old pioneer trick. I saw it in a movie once.

Vergil: Dante, this is no time for...!

Dante: [aggressively shushes Vergil] It's working!

Vergil: What is it?

Dante: Truck! Sixteen wheels! [points to an approaching semi-truck in the distance] Now I can show you how the pioneers hitchhiked.

[Dante whips out the Dr. Faust Hat and starts dancing in the road like an idiot.]

Dante: [weird hitchhiking noises] WheEeEeEeE eeeeeeeEEEE, yoooOOOOOUUUUuuuUuu WUWUWUUWEHEHEHE...

[Vergil sits on a rock and rattles a wooden spoon with an annoyed look on his face.]

Dante: [more hitchhiking noises] UUuuUuuUuAAYAYAYAYAYA GLGLGLGLGLGLGLGLG—

Truck Driver: [noticing Dante in the road] Crashin' frashin' break dancers! [honks his horn aggressively]

Vergil: He's stopping! He's stopping!

Truck Driver: [CLEARLY NOT STOPPING]

[Vergil suddenly realizes that he's not stopping and pulls Dante out of the way before he gets run over. The truck zooms past them, covering them in roadside dirt. Vergil glares scathingly at Dante, who gives him a nervous smile.]

[Scene changes to Dante and Vergil walking against a heavy wind.]

Dante: [still singing badly] 🎶 The DMC pizza! Is the pizza! For you and me! The DMC pizza—

[The wind changes direction and blows Vergil’s hair forward. Grimacing, Vergil tries to slick his hair back into place, but the wind messes it up again, much to his annoyance. Finally, Vergil just gives up and goes into SDT so he doesn’t have to deal with it.]

Dante: [doesn’t even notice and keeps singing] 🎶—is the pizza! Free de-li-ve-ry! The DMC pizza! Is the pizza! Very ta-a-sty!!

[All of a sudden, a random Qliphoth root springs up out of nowhere and grabs the pizza box. Dante refuses to let go, however, and he gets flung back and forth helplessly in the air as he tries and fails to fight it off.]

Vergil: Will you let go of that stupid pizza, already?

Dante: [still being flung around in the air] I can't! It’s for the customer!

Vergil: WHO CARES about the customer?

Dante: I DO!

Vergil: Well, I DON’T!

[The wind stops suddenly, as does the Qliphoth root, and Dante gasps at Vergil in disgust.]

Dante: D:< Vergil!

[The wind immediately picks back up again, and the Qliphoth root resumes flinging Dante around helplessly in the air.]

Vergil: Dante, we don’t have time for this foolishness! Let go of the pizza!

Dante: NO!

[The Qliphoth root sends Dante barreling straight into Vergil, knocking him off his feet.]

Vergil: OW! [grabs onto Dante’s legs as the Qliphoth continues to drag him around] Dante! Let go of the pizza!

Dante: No! It's for the customer!

Vergil: DANT-AYYY! LET GO OF THE PIZZA!

[The Qliphoth root lifts them high up in the air.]

Dante: NO!!

Vergil: DANTE— [looks down and suddenly realizes that they’re dangling over 100 ft in the air] HANG ONTO THE PIZZAAAA!

[The Qliphoth root finally lets go of them and flings them in a random direction, sending them both flying. Dante screams and falls flat on his face. Vergil technically could’ve broken his fall using his SDT wings, but he doesn’t think of that and instead falls flat on his face next to Dante, reverting to his human form in the process.]

Vergil: [slowly gets up and looks around in confusion] H-hey...where's the road? Where's the road?! [a random tumbleweed rolls by, sending Vergil into a panicked stupor while running around in circles] WE’RE DOOMED! HOW ARE WE GOING GET HOME NOW? WHICH WAY DO WE GO?

[Dante slowly gets up while Vergil continues to run around like an idiot.]

Vergil: WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO? THERE’S NO ROAD HERE!

Dante: Hm... [points in a seemingly random direction] I think town's this way.

Vergil: [stops dead in his tracks and rolls his eyes at Dante] Oh, don't tell me, Jethro. The pioneers?

Dante: That's right. [gestures to a mossy rock] Moss always points to civilization.

Vergil: That way? That way there?

Dante: [nods]

Vergil: So, let me get this straight...YOU think that WE should go THAT way?

Dante: [nods again] Yep.

Vergil: [turns around and starts walking in the opposite direction] Well, then I'm going this way.

Dante: Huh? Verg, wait! I don't think—

Vergil: Trust me, I KNOW where I am going.

[The camera pans out to show that Red Grave City was clearly in the direction Dante pointed towards, which means that Vergil definitely has no idea where he’s going.]

[Scene changes once again to Dante and Vergil walking, while Dante continues to belt out the DMC Pizza song at the top of his lungs.]

Dante: 🎶 The DMC pizza! Is the pizza! Absolu-tive-a-ly!

Dante: [beatboxing] 🎶 Boomboomboomboom PIZZA powpowkakachihchih PIZZA chihchihchoopapaaaaa—

Dante: [walking backwards while beatboxing] 🎶 Dododododo PIZZA dododoododododo PIZZA dodododooddodoooo—

Dante: [with soul] 🎶 D-M-C-aAaAayy-aaaAAAAaaAayy-aAaAayyy pi-zzaaaa! Is the pizza, ye-aaah, for you and— [awful-sounding falsetto that causes Vergil to visibly flinch] 🎶 MEE-EEE-EEeeEee-EEEEEEEE!

Dante: [dragging his feet tiredly] Pizza...for...you...the DM and...the C...and the... pizza insiiiide...

[Eventually, Dante and Vergil both collapse onto the ground in exhaustion.]

Dante: Verg...we gotta eat something.

Vergil: [sarcastically] I heard in times of hardship, the pioneers would eat tumbleweed.

[Dante grabs a nearby tumbleweed and starts eating it savagely, chucking the pizza box aside. Thankfully, Vergil catches the pizza box right before it falls on the ground.]

Vergil: [notices how desperate Dante is and cracks a mischievous smile] No, no, wait...maybe it wasn't tumbleweed.

[Dante yelps and spits out the tumbleweed in disgust.]

Vergil: Maybe it was sand...no, mud—!

Dante: [sits up suddenly and grabs Vergil by the shirt collar] Gimme the pizza, Verg!

Vergil: [holds the pizza box defensively] WAIT I REMEMBER NOW IT WAS TUMBLEWEED!

Dante: Give me that pizza!

Vergil: No! We promised Lady that we’d give it to the customer!

Dante: OH, SO NOW YOU CARE ABOUT THE CUSTOMER!

Vergil: Dante, I am not going to risk MY life explaining to Lady that we can’t pay her back all because YOU got a little hungry! That pizza is for the customer, and that’s final!

[Dante pouts broodingly for a moment, but then he comes up with an idea...]

Dante: [cunning voice] Yeah, you're right. It's for the customer.

Vergil: [slightly confused] Uh...yeah...

Dante: Well, maybe we better check on it and make sure it's okay.

Vergil: [looks down at the pizza box reluctantly] Well...

Dante: [starts to open the box] C’mon, just a peek—

Vergil: [quickly snaps the box shut] OKAY IT’S FINE.

Dante: No, wait! I think I saw something!

[Dante opens the box fully, revealing a very appetizing pizza.]

Dante: Oh...nope. I was wrong. It looks okay. [nudges Vergil] Sure is a fiiine looking pizza, don’t you think? You definitely don’t have food like that down in Hell, huh?

Vergil: [falters] Yeah, you...certainly don’t...

Dante: And what’s that? Is that the cheese?

Vergil: [lip twitches slightly] Yeah...

Dante: And the pepperoni?

Vergil: [mouth starts watering] Yeah...!

Dante: [grins as Vergil starts savoring] Oh, looks good, huh?

[Vergil, suddenly realizing what Dante is trying to do, quickly snaps out of it and slams the pizza box closed.]

Vergil: WAIT A SECOND! I know what you're trying to do, Dante! I'm not letting you eat the pizza!

Dante: Give me the pizza, Vergil!

Vergil: No!

Dante: Don't make me take it away from you!

Vergil: Get AWAY!

[Vergil starts to run away while Dante chases after him.]

Dante: Get back here, Vergil!

Vergil: NO!

Dante: VERGIL!

Vergil: NO!

Dante: VER-GILLL!

Vergil: NO!

[Eventually, Dante starts to run out of energy and collapses due to exhaustion, while Vergil is still running around.]

Vergil: NO! NO—

[Vergil trips over Dante suddenly, falling flat on his face and dropping the pizza. Dante snatches the pizza while Vergil is distracted, but Vergil quickly pins him down and points Yamato threateningly at his chest.]

Vergil: Dante, I am NOT letting you eat this pizza! And you are going to hand it over to me, one way or another!

Dante: [points at something in the distance] Look, Verg, we're saved!

Vergil: Yeah, sure, we're saved. Now GIVE ME THE PIZZA!

Dante: No really, Verg! We’re SAVED! [starts jumping up and down in excitement] We're saved! We're saaaaaved!

Vergil: WILL YOU CUT THAT OUT?

Dante: [chanting to a conga beat] 🎶Sa-a-aved, sa-aved! Sa-a-aved, sa-aved! Saved, saved! Saved, saved! Savedsavedsavedsaved saved, saved!

Dante: [runs towards a boulder in the distance while still chanting] 🎶Savedsavedsavedsavedsaved, SAVED! Savedsavedsavedsavedsaved, SAVED! YES, we are SAVED!

Vergil: [furiously] But that’s just a stupid boulder!

Dante: It's not just a boulder...it’s a rock! A ROOOOCK!! It's a BIG! BEAUTIFUL! OLD! ROCK!! [rubs the side of the boulder affectionately] Ohhhh, the pioneers used to ride these babies for MILES! And it's in GREAT shape!!

Vergil: DANT-AYYY! WILL YOU FORGET THE STUPID PIONEERS? Haven’t you ever noticed that there are NONE of them left?! That's because they were LOUSY hitchhikers, ate TUMBLEWEED—

Dante: Actually, it was you who said they ate tumbleweed...

Vergil: [points Yamato at Dante again to shut him up] —and took directions from ALGAE!

[Dante climbs onto the boulder while Vergil continues to rant.]

Vergil: And nooow, you're telling me that they thought they could DRIVE...

[Dante somehow shifts the boulder into drive and runs over Vergil.]

Vergil: [flattened against the ground] ...rocks? [gets up and runs desperately after Dante] HOLD ON THERE, JETHRO!

[Scene changes to Dante parking the boulder in front of the customer’s house, with Vergil sitting on the rock next to him.]

Dante: [jumps off of the boulder and runs to the door] I cannot WAIT to see the look on our customer’s face! [excitedly rings the doorbell]

Customer: [answers door] Yeah?

Dante: Congratulations, sir. Your Devil May Cry Pizza is here!

Customer: Wow, thanks! I've been dying for one of these. I— [face falls suddenly] Where's my drink?

Dante: [confused] ...What drink?

Customer: [angry] My drink? My diet Dr. Pepper?? Don't tell me you forgot my drink!!

Dante: [fishes the order out of his pocket and checks it] But, you didn't order any—!

Customer: HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO EAT THIS PIZZA WITHOUT MY DRINK?!

Dante: [dumbfounded] B-but Lady...! I-if I don’t pay her back, I’ll have t—!

Customer: Didn't you ever once think of the customer? [throws the pizza at Dante’s face] You call yourself a delivery boy?! Well, I ain't buying! [rudely slams the door]

[Dante walks back over to Vergil with a forced smile on his face.]

Dante: [eye twitches dangerously] He didn’t take the pizza.

Vergil: I’ll take care of this.

[Vergil grabs the pizza from Dante, storms up the stairs to the customer's house, and pounds on the door furiously.]

Customer: [answers the door again] Another one? Look, I told your friend over there, I ain't paying for that!

Vergil: [unsheathing Yamato] Well, this one's on the HOUSE!

[Camera sharply cuts to Dante, who flinches suddenly. Judgement Cut and Summoned Sword noises can be heard off-camera, as well as a petrified human scream, before Vergil finally walks back over to Dante, visibly covered in blood and holding the customer’s wallet in his hands.]

Dante: Did you...change his mind?

Vergil: [returns Yamato to its sheath while grinning smugly] Yep, he sure did. Ate the whole thing in one bite.

Dante: [counts the money in the wallet and perks up immediately] No drink?

Vergil: Nope. [jumps up onto the rock] Now, take me home.

Dante: [hops onto the rock and starts revving it up excitedly] Are you kidding? We have just enough time to make it back to Lady!

[Dante backs up the rock, and they instantly arrive at the Devil May Cry main office.]

Vergil: [eyes twitches dangerously] We‘re—?!

[Episode ends with the sound of Yamato impaling Dante’s chest as the screen quickly cuts to black.]

[dearmrsbitch]

September 12, 2020 - Guess You’re Just Bad at It?

Dear Prudence,

My girlfriend, “Jane,” and I moved in together during the pandemic, since her roommate was an essential worker and I lived alone. We figured it wouldn’t last that long (yeah, yeah), and it would be better than being all by ourselves. We’ve fought a bit, but mostly in a way that confirmed we were good for each other, and overall things have been great. Except for this: Jane doesn’t believe that men can or should do any domestic chores. She thinks we should leave it to women to “do it right.” I drew up a chore schedule so we’d both know what needs doing, and she does my share while I’m working. Anything I do manage to finish, she redoes with a sigh. I realize “not having to do chores” isn’t much to complain about. But even though part of me is glad I don’t have to scrub the toilet, I still feel like it’s unfair. Plus, what kind of life can I really build with someone who thinks I’m genetically incapable of wiping a plate?

I’ve spent a whole pandemic trying to convince her I’m capable of basic housekeeping, but it hasn’t worked. I don’t see how I can continue to date Jane, even though this is our only real problem. It sounds stupid, but I would just feel like such a weird throwback. Plus my family would hardly respect this “lifestyle,” and that matters to me. Am I missing something? I didn’t live in a pit before Jane moved in with me. I didn’t have a house cleaner, either; I paid a neighbor’s kid $20 to water the plants and open the windows when I traveled for work. Everything else I took care of myself.

—No Cleaning, Please, I’m a Man

Dear Mr. Clean,

So, what Jane is exhibiting is a special type of brainwashing that women often get by other women and sometimes by men.

The cycle goes like this.  Men get assigned outside work, women get assigned inside work.  Outside work is grunt work typically, inside work is detail and precision, etc.  When men have been asked to do inside work, they either refuse or fuck it up on purpose to get women to stop asking them.  Ergo, women pass down to other women that men can’t do dishes, etc., because they suck at it and therefore, women have to clean because they’re just “better” at it. 

A version of this was shown on “That 70′s Show” when Red Foreman explained to his son how to get out of doing anything by pretending to fuck up a basic domestic task and his fiance internalized it and then proceeded to baby him.  Except we’re talking about centuries in the making here of men not getting any home training because mom and dad don’t make him do chores and the sisters get the chores, so he goes out, lives like an animal until a woman takes him in and she assumes all the cleaning duties because to him a laundry machine is space technology and it’s just easier to do it herself.  Until the kids are born, and her back and patience breaks under the stress and they end up divorced and he’s back to living in the sty because it was too hard to get up and rock the baby back to sleep.

Women, due to this conditioning, often have trouble letting go because of the excuse of “standards” and men often just fall into... “welp, if she’s gonna do it, I should just get back on Call of Duty XXXIVIVII - Random Country of Evil Brown People to Kill.  This is super cool, bro.”

Usually I recommend to women that positive affirmation is a good way to get a lazy man off his ass and cleaning if you want him to keep it up and getting better.  In your case, I would recommend telling her that you want to learn to clean “her” way.  Tell her to show you how to clean.  Do it her way.  You should be doing half the chores, but right now you’re just trying to get her out of her mental programming that you’re a non-functioning moron when it comes to toilet scrubbing.  Pester.  Watch her when she cleans if she won’t teach you.  Take notes, basically, be fucking annoying and when she snaps at you, go ahead and snap back - “I want to help, why won’t you let me?”

Because what’s going to happen is that no matter how much she’s internalized your domestic failures, she’s actually soaking up stress.  She’s making herself the be all and end all for keeping the house clean and regardless of what people think, there’s a lot of work keeping a house going.  And if she continues on, it’s only going to get worse for her in the long run, especially if she has kids.  Or worse, if she actually has a martyr complex.

There’s lots of teladoc therapists now.  Maybe suggest that she discuss her control issue, because there’s elements of this too.  Tell her that you two need to work this out sooner rather than later if you want to stay together because it’s small problem between you and you need to fix it.

If she refuses that, then maybe take a second look at the relationship.  I mean, if there’s no dialogue, there’s no relationship - full stop.

Mrs. Bitch

[nedrasnielsen]

Is it possible to have a clean house and still have dirty dishes in the sink? Is your house clean if you haven’t made the bed? And what about the never ending battle of DUST !!!

At our place dusting is a never ending battle. If I dust one day, it’s back the next. It never goes away and I wonder if at some pointe I’m dusting away my relatives. They’re all from this area. And ya know what they say,” Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.” I always finish that saying with ” If the lord won’t have you, the devil must.”

Photo by Karolina Grabowska on Pexels.com

If you don’t vacuum everyday. Is your house still clean. Me I cheat when it comes to dusting and vacuuming. I have a Rumba thing that works pretty well throughout the week. And in order to use it, you have to pick stuff up on the floor. So that’s another reason for me to pick up.

I do have to confess that I have a lady come in on Tuesdays for 2.5 hours and cleans. She sweeps, mops, does some dusting and cleans up the bathrooms. Do I really need her. No, not really. But it’s a win win for both of us. I pay her $10.00 an hour and she does the things I don’t make time to do. And in return she makes some extra cash. If I need something extra done she does it. She’s a great gal.

She doesn’t do dishes, she doesn’t make our bed. And I would never ask her to clean the grandkids room or bathroom. No one should endure that kind of madness.

This is what the kids bathroom looked like for a couple of weeks before. I had to clean it for them. Now let me show you a picture of what’s about to become their new bathroom.

I hate a dirty house. I hate cleaning house. I hate it even more when someone else makes a mess I have to clean up. LIKE THE DOGS !!!!!!!

I love our dogs and they are very well trained and they spend almost all of their time with us. But did I mention we have a mud farm. And it grows very well in the winter. Well dogs have to go outside to do their business. There for they get in the mud. Then they come back inside and walk on the floor. This can’t be avoided. So in the winter we clean up after the dogs a lot. We have grass but sometimes they go beyond the grass like over to feed the horses and cows. So summer cleaning dealing with dust is better than winter cleaning dealing with MUD !!!

I guess while it’s still summer I’ll just be happy that I don’t have as much to do. But when this winter comes the cleaning lady won’t be able to get to our house. It takes a good four wheel drive to live here. Is it an inconvenience. No just one more reason for me to sty home.

So back to the question at hand,   IF YOU HAVE DIRTY DISHES DO YOU HAVE A CLEAN HOUSE ?????????

  Dirty Dishes and a clean house. Is it possible to have a clean house and still have dirty dishes in the sink? Is your house clean if you haven't made the bed?