#stuff them with three cheeses and life is pretty good

[thetarttfuldickhead]

I’m exceedingly fond of the notion that Roy is just randomly* a really good cook, but consider: Roy is merely a mostly passable cook, taking an interest and picking up some stuff only now that his footballer diet days are nearing their end. He thinks he’s a great cook because he was fucking serious about said footballer diet and consequently has these sad little low standards and doesn’t really know much about properly decent food. (In this world, Hus’ kebabs are pretty nasty, actually.)

More importantly, non-cooking weirdos Jamie and Keeley also think he’s a great cook, the second bloody coming of Heston bloody Blumenthal, and they keep telling him (and everyone else) that, in all sincerity. The three of them live in a very happy delusion of Roy’s culinary prowess.

Maybe some time down the road they, flying high on hubris, invite others for dinner, and those others – if they have any semblance of developed taste buds – find themselves caught in the gastronomic Twilight Zone of Jamie and Keeley praising to high heaven the blandest food imaginable, while Roy beams in slightly shy pride.

Some guests (Sam) appreciates the effort and homecooked meal. Some guests (Richard) do not. Some guests (Jan) gets accidentally gagged with spinach by other guests (Isaac and Colin) before they can comment on the food.

(*I mean, I don’t believe that Roy Kent is just randomly good at anything; he’s a great cook because he put the hours in and worked fucking hard at it.)

[foldingfittedsheets]

I’d like to entertain and enliven you now with the saga of my Slut Era.

I’ve always been a serial monogamist and my shortest long term relationships clocked in at three years. So perhaps that’s why when I finally broke it off with my ex I went insane on dating. Part of it was definitely just that between anxiety and loneliness I wanted to fill up my time.

This happened when I was living alone for the first time, no roommates, just me and my little cat Leeloo. I didn’t want to come home to an empty house so instead I set up dates.

Most of these were disastrous. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea and I had a lot more first dates than second because they’d seen enough, including the one where people aggressively complimented me.

But after a few months I had four people I was seeing simultaneously. I was up front with all of them that things were not exclusive, and they all agreed, so no infidelity took place here, just a lot of hijinks.

Here’s who was on the dating roster:

• An apprentice woodworker that we’ll call Jill. I honestly thought at 26 years old that her being 21 wasn’t a problem age gap and I quickly learned that there was a vast gulf of both maturity and life experience between us. Jill described herself as “heteroflexible” and had just dumped her first boyfriend to flirt it up with me.

• A married woman looking for a friends with benefits. We’ll call her Alice. I insisted on meeting her husband first to be sure I wasn’t part of a cheating mess and he gave me his blessing when I stayed over at her house. Years later when he and Alice had divorced I would go on to sell him and his new fiancée an engagement ring and we both realized at the end how we knew each other and it was wildly awkward. Alice was nice, but a hardcore vegan who insisted I brush my teeth if I so much as ate string cheese before I could kiss her. She was also unhappy in her marriage and was feeling out if I’d want to get serious.

• A bartender dubbed Snakebites, so called because of her signature piercings. She cooked me a steak so raw it was still mooing and some of the best asparagus I’d ever had. In our singular sexy encounter she bit my nipple and I never got over it. Really don't bite someone if you don't know their preference and work up in pressure. We weren’t terribly compatible but neither of us were willing to admit it yet. Truthfully I considered still dating her solely because I desperately wanted her bathroom. It had all black tile, black toilet, black sink, a rain shower in the corner and a jacuzzi tub. I may not have loved her but god I loved that bathroom.

And finally,

• My beloved, who I would go on to marry, who was dealing with a lot of personal stuff at the time. Obviously that meant I liked them the best of all the people I was seeing because we were both disasters at the time.

So that’s the cast of this little misadventure. Now, our story begins with Jill.

Jill was someone who heightened my anxiety. Each of the three times she came to my home she brought and left more stuff. A self help book, a ramen kit, the entire Teen Titans collection of DVDs. It was like she was trying to move in. She also liked to deride my taste in things, frequently calling me a pleb when I mentioned a band or show I liked.

She was working on a gorgeous little decorative table in her woodworking program. The main wood for the top had a beautiful dapple of knots like jaguar spots, and when she showed me a picture I exclaimed how pretty it was.

“Do you want it?”

“Oh- I mean it’s lovely, I wouldn’t mind having it, but you should sell it and make some money!”

But she was adamant. She’d give me the little side table. At about this time, Alice was starting to get awfully lovey for a FWB. I knew she wasn’t happy with her husband but I also knew we were not a good fit. Fun fact: Alice and her husband were step siblings with a pretty hefty age gap. They got together when he stumbled upon a kink photo shoot she’d done with vegetables. None of their family was happy about the relationship but they weren’t related by blood so it was fine.

So I was fending off more overt romantic advances from Alice, and feeling increasingly like I needed to break things off with Jill. Snakebites wasn’t ever initiating communication and I decided to pull a lot of plugs at once.

I ghosted Snakebites, told Alice that I thought we should cool it, and in a move worthy of a rom-com I asked my beloved if I could pretend we were exclusive to put off Jill. They agreed and I texted Jill to let her know that I was no longer single.

I was not prepared for Jill’s response. She. Was. Devastated. She flew off the handle. She’d just been waiting for the right time to tell me how she felt about me! How dare I do this to her!

What about the table?!

“You should keep the table, it’s gorgeous, you’ll be able to sell it, but I don’t expect a free table.”

Silence met me after that text. I worried and fretted and eventually headed home.

There on my doorstep. The table.

It was a small little end table, reeking of oil and polish, but very beautiful. I brought it inside. The little drawer didn’t even have a knob or guide rails. But it did have a handwritten bill proclaiming that it was costing me $500.

“I can’t afford a $500 table, Jill!” I texted.

“Well you kept saying how nice it was. I spent a lot of time on it.”

“I’m not saying it’s not worth $500” (it wasn’t, it was a tiny side table made by an apprentice) “but I can’t buy a $500 table.”

“Make me an offer.”

I stared at the little table. I did actually like it, but I worried about the repercussions of entering into this deal. Hesitantly I typed back, “$300.” I didn’t think it was worth that much but I didn’t want to insult her too badly.

This suited her for the night. But the next day she informed me she needed a new bed, and that she’d take her $300 in credit toward a new mattress. I spent the whole next day basically wrangling with her over what she wanted and eventually she spiked back up to demanding $500 for the damn table.

“Let me just give it back,” I begged. It was not the first, second, or even third time I’d asked to return the thing but this time she finally relented and gave me her address. Since she lived with her parents still I’d never been over.

I called up my beloved and said, “Hey, I need moral support, can you run an errand with me?”

They agreed which is how we loaded up a self help book, a ramen kit, the entire Teen Titans DVD collection, and the table from hell into my little car together. Jill had said to meet her at one o'clock. I intended to drop everything off at noon and be done with this madness.

But while my beloved and I were on the doorstep leaving everything I heard, “Jill? You’re home early,” through the door. Her mom opened it to peer at us in confusion.

“I was just bringing Jill’s stuff back!” I chirped in alarm.

With little tact and a lot of speed we left her with Jill’s collection of things and then I sped out of there like my tail was on fire. I handed my phone to my beloved as I zoomed away instructing them to block Jill’s number. I was free. The tabletross around my neck had been returned.

It was about a month after that when my beloved and I officially began dating exclusively. I had wrapped up all my messy dating threads and it was a relief to be in a relationship again. They went on a trip to Mexico shortly after we made it official.

So I knew they were out of town. But next morning I walked out to my car and beheld a lipstick kiss pressed to the drivers side window.

I was petrified. I had just dumped three girls at once and had an extremely messy back and forth with one of them. Did I have a stalker?!

Of the girls, Alice seemed like likeliest candidate, being of a stronger lipstick variety girl than Jill or Snakebites. We had ended things a bit stiffly, but still cordial. She just laughed when I asked if she knew anything about it. “Nope,” she said, “but good luck.”

I’d rather have walked over broken glass then text Jill, and I’d firmly ghosted Snakebites so I was scared to reopen communication to ask if she was stalking me. I had to drop it. But it haunted me, that lipstick kiss.

For months I was jumpy, wondering which of my spurned lovers had done it. And why. Was it a threat? A goodbye? I lay awake thinking about it, worrying about how everyone I’d dated knew where I lived, which car was mine.

Finally, nothing else happened and I moved on. The kiss would remain a mystery and I had to be content with that.

It was a year later when I finally started filling my mom in on my dating escapades that I finally got closure. She was hooting and laughing as I went over the table debacle. Then I paused and added, “And then this kiss showed up on my car.”

“Did you like it?”

“What? No! I’m pretty sure one of them was stalking me! Who else would leave a kiss on my car?”

My mom started bellowing with laughter. “I did!” She wheezed.

Apparently. My mother had been driving by my place. And decided that a cute little gesture would be to leave me a kiss. And then decided to never mention it to me even though she’s never done anything like that previously.

“It scared the crap out of me!” I yelled while she collapsed with helpless laughter. “I thought I had a stalker! How could I possibly have known that was you?!”

“How could I have known you’d just broken up with three girls at once?” She wheezed in rejoinder and like. Fair play.

So that’s how my mom convinced me I had a stalker and I got out of buying a $500 table.

[sweetbans29]

Long Way Home - CC

Pairing: Caitlin Clark x Reader

Part 2

Summary: Due to a huge miscommunication, Caitlin and your sister Kate are put through the worst week of their life (based on THIS request)

Warnings: angst my peeps (you asked for it), a happy ending

Word Count: 3.2k

Sweetbans Masterlist

AN:

"I don't want you to go," Caitlin says, holding you against her. Your girlfriend of 2 years has not let you go for the last 3 days.

"That makes two of us," your older sister Kate says as she finishes making the three of you grilled cheeses.

Typically you would be the one to cook but since Caitlin had her arms around you 24/7 and the fact that you wouldn't be there pretty soon to make sure they are fed, you opted to let Kate take the lead in making food.

You were given your assignment a few days back and are about to head overseas. You knew this day was coming and so did your family and friends, but knowing never made it any easier.

Growing up, you knew you wanted to serve your country when you graduated high school. You knew when your elementary school hosted a day when active military staff and veterans came to your school for a service day. Your little third-grade self looked up to them and wanted to be them someday.

You went into the military right out of high school - going through training and then getting stationed only about twenty minutes out from where your older sister was going to college. It honestly was the best possible outcome for you starting off.

Kate meant the world to you. She's been your best friend since day one. Growing up people always thought the two of you were twins and honestly, you would have believed them. Kate is only 16 months older than you. The way your parents put you in school, Kate was a grade above you which kept the two of you close. The hardest year was when she went to college and you were stuck in your senior year of high school. The two of you would talk 24/7. She kept you updated on the transition from high school to college and you would keep her updated on your parents.

It was in Kate's sophomore year that Caitlin came onto the scene - Kate and she had become good friends as Kate took the freshman under her wing. You met Caitlin only a few weeks after Kate. You had some time in between training and your first post - deciding it would be fun to spend a few weeks with Kate. She introduced the two of you and it was like you had known each other your whole lives.

It was on that same trip that Caitlin asked you out, of course asking Kate for permission first. You didn't hesitate to say yes and the rest has been history. Caitlin's love for you hit hard right from the start and never stopped growing - you were the person to come into her life and opened her eyes as to why it hasn't worked with anyone else. Caitlin knew you were her end game.

Once you were stationed just outside of Iowa City, you moved in with Kate. Life was the best it had been in a while. You would go to all of Kate and Calitlin's home games and support them to the best of your ability. It was cool to get to meet more of their team, and they all loved you. How could they not? Kate and your apartment had been the hub for a lot of the team hangouts. It was a no-brainer since you had the best setup. Caitlin also practically lived there, which was also a pull as she would encourage the team since it meant she got to spend more time with you.

Slowly but surely Caitlin started bringing stuff over and found a home for it within your room. You not once complained seeing as she didn't really have much but knew how serious it was when she brought over her PS5 and her most worn basketball shoes.

"Are you sure it is okay that I am bringing all this stuff over?" She asks.

"I promise you, babe. It is perfect." You say and give her a smile.

"I just don't want to overstep," she says and you take hold of her shoulders.

"Hey - you know I don't make promises I don't mean," you say. She nods sheepishly. "I promise, this is exactly where you are meant to be." You reassure her.

When you found out you would be going overseas you had a sit-down conversation with Caitlin to break the news to her. She doesn't hide her frustration well but knows how much you pride yourself in serving your country. You tell her that when you go, she has to move in with Kate - not wanting either of your favorite people to be alone. You crack jokes with Caitlin about how she practically already lives there in an attempt to lighten the mood.

This brings it back to Kate making grilled cheeses with you sitting on the counter holding Caitlin.

"They are ready!" Kate yells in excitement over the perfectly cooked sandwiches. You grab a plate and immediately take a bite.

"Ahhh! Hot! Hot!" You say as you try to blow off the piece you had just taken a bite out, refusing to spit it out.

"Babe, you do that every time - will you ever learn?" Your girl teases you she grabs her own plate, blowing it off before taking a small bite herself.

"Hey, sometimes waiting is overrated." You say and go in for another bite. "Plus, when something is this good, if you could you would eat it in one bite."

The rest of the night is filled with light banter, cuddles from your girl, and another attempt at packing (which was quickly shut down when Caitlin held you captive on your bed, not allowing you to move).

Time moved faster than anyone would have liked as your send-off arrived. Your family came out, along with Caitlin and some of her team. They were there more as a support to Caitlin and Kate than to see you off but you were incredibly thankful for them.

You give hugs to your mom and dad first - they knew this day was coming and had much time to prepare yet still let out muffled sobs and final last-ditch pleas to stay.

You give hugs to all the girls who came in support of your two favorites and tell each and every one of them to watch over both Kate and Caitlin while you are away.

Kate is next. The two of you stand there embracing each other, neither of you saying anything knowing everything already. It is only before you release your sister that she whispers something in your ear.

"I've got her," Kate says and for the first time yet you feel a tear roll down your cheek. You wipe it away as fast as it appears, not wanting to make this any harder for anyone.

You whisper a thank you and release her - looking at her with the best smile you could muster up.

Finally, you turn to the love of your life. And runs into your embrace faster than you can brace for impact.

"I want to tell you not to go," she says with a sniffle. "But I know how much this means to you."

"I will be back before you know it," you say - trying to believe your own words. The truth is, you don't know when you will be back - this is an open-ended assignment which wasn't common in the military but due to where you are going is needed for the mission.

"I will call whenever I can and I will write," you tell her. "It will be our own little movie."

"Just come back to me, okay?" She says as your heart breaks hearing the desperation in her voice.

You separate from her just enough to reach down and grab her hand. A few months ago you had gotten her a dainty little ring embellished with diamonds for your anniversary. It was by no means an engagement ring or promise ring but in this moment it would have to do.

"I promise I'll come back to you," you say removing the band from her right hand and placing it on her ring finger. Caitlin knows to not take your promise lightly. She knows you would do anything to get back to her.

Both of you know that there is never a guarantee but the little gesture was enough for both of you to have faith in your promise.

You say your final goodbyes and before you know it you are off.

The first few months are hard as it is an adjustment for everyone. You Facetime Caitlin and Kate as much as you can - thankful that the wifi connection you had was stable. You told her as much as you could about where you were at, making sure not to disclose anything that would scare either of your girls. Kate would update you on the usual - this not being too far off from what her transition to college was. Caitlin on the other hand took the transition really hard, always crying in Kate's arms after the call ended. None of which was disclosed to you.

The next few months were harder as you were moved to a secondary location where the wifi was less stable - sometimes cutting out for a few weeks or more at a time. You sent letters to let them know you were doing okay even if a call didn't come. Every letter you would end with 'Slowly making my way back to you' then your signature. Caitlin would grip every word you wrote, most of the time falling asleep with them in her hand.

You were almost up to your year mark with no update on when you would be able to return home. They had moved you back to a base that had better wifi which was helpful in keeping up with Caitlin but still not as good at giving her a date when you would be home.

Caitlin was doing better and was able to keep her composure after calls with you. Whenever you would have a call with your girl, Kate would jump on towards the end of the call and tell you how Caitlin was really doing. Most of the time it would end with your girl getting frustrated with your sister for disclosing more than what was needed but you always appreciated it.

It was when things started to feel normal when it all hit the fan.

Kate and Caitlin had just finished their shoot-around before one of their home games and were about to head into the locker to get ready when one of the assistant coaches told them they needed to head to Coach Bluder's office immediately.

The two girls redirected to head to the office thinking it had to do with tonight's game. The sight they are met with is one that causes immediate confusion.

"Mom? Dad?" Kate asked, shocked to see her parents standing in her coach's office. Your mom is a wreck in the arms of your dad who has clearly shed his own fair share of tears. Coach Bluder looks like she has seen a ghost and tells Kate and Caitlin to take a seat.

"What's going on?" Caitlin says immediately feeling her stomach drop thinking there is only one reason they would be here.

"Why don't you two sit," Coach Bluder presses again.

"No, I think I would rather stand," Caitlin retorts. She is trying to tell herself if she doesn't give in to what they are asking then the news won't be real. Kate touches Caitlin's arm, starting to come to her own conclusions, and takes a seat.

Your dad is the first and only to speak.

"We got a visit this morning," he starts only looking into Caitlin's eyes. He refuses to look into his daughter's eyes, knowing he will not get through what needs to be said.

"There was an attack to which they said there were no survivors." He says as slow as molasses.

Caitlin just stares at him. Not yet has he mentioned your name or anything about you specifically which only prolongs reality.

Kate asks if they had to send you there to help out, then proceeds to ask if you are hurt. She doesn't understand why Mom is so torn up over that.

Your dad's eyes are still trained on Caitlin's, not breaking to look at Kate when she asks.

"It was her base-" Your dad barely gets out before Caitlin is countering.

"Bullshit," Caitlin says, not blinking twice. She refuses to believe the words coming from your dad's mouth. Normally this would have taken him back but under the circumstances, he was ready for any and all reactions.

That is when your mom cut in.

"They found her tags," she sniffles out. Before she is sobbing again she says, "Alongside an unidentifiable body."

"They are still searching, but they told us not to be hopeful." Your dad finishes as Kate breaks down like her mother.

Calitin on the other hand is completely numb. Her head is spinning and she feels like she is going to throw up. Before anyone can speak again, she runs out of the room.

She runs directly home, entering your once-shared apartment. She makes her way to your shared room and just stands in the doorway. She hadn't changed a single thing since you left, not wanting you to come home to a completely different place. That thought flies out the window when the pain settles in and the reality of you not returning hits her like a ton of bricks.

Caitlin's hands go swinging. Throwing anything she could get her hands on. By the time she is done, she is out of breath - the room looks like a tornado hit.

She finally falls to the floor - letting out the loudest cry.

Picking up one of your old Military sweatshirts, she puts it over her head and holds herself.

You on the other hand are sitting in the most uncomfortable plane imaginable - giddy to get back to surprise your two favorite girls. Your Leutienet set up a charter for you and a select other few to fly back to the States. It was something that only he and one other person knew about, not wanting news to get out.

You knew it was going to take you a long time to get back but with the three plane switches and delays due to equipment transfers - your 2 day trip quickly doubled.

It wasn't until day 4 that you were finally crossing back into US territory. Once your plane entered US airspace, your excitement grew even more. You knew there wasn't going to be any communication to anyone prior to your arrival which made the surprise that much more fun for you.

When you finally arrived at the base - you were met with a crowd of people. Confused, you started asking what happened. One of the captains pulled your group aside and let you know there was an attack and that they didn't know if you were a part of it or not.

It was hard to hear but you were so over the moon about seeing your sister and your girlfriend that you didn't think of the possibility of them thinking that you were a part of the bombing.

When you got in your rental - you thought it would be better to surprise them in person than give them a call. You want to see the joy in their eyes when they first hear your voice back home.

You make the drive to your apartment and park along the street. You are still in uniform as you walk up the steps of your apartment. It is the middle of the morning and expect both girls to be back from practice.

Unlocking the door you walk in.

All the blinds are closed and there are tissues everywhere. Food boxes are left on the table and counter, and most of the food is uneaten. You furrow your eyebrows as you see a sleeping Caitlin in Kate's lap. She looks absolutely sickly with her head being stroked by Kate as Kate's eyes try to adjust to the new light source entering their apartment.

The light is so bright that it takes her a few moments to make out the figure standing in the light as you.

"This isn't real," you hear Kate mumble. "You're not real."

You slowly close the door and make your way over to your sister. You were expecting excitement and happy tears and love as you walked in but were met with none of that.

"She's gone," Kate cries. "You're gone. This isn't real." She keeps saying over and over.

It is then when it hits you that everyone thought you were a part of the bombing.

You slowly make your way to your sister as you kneel in front of her and your still-sleeping girlfriend. Little to your knowledge, this was the first time that Kate was able to get Caitlin to sleep for more than 10 minutes before she ended up screaming your name and jolting awake.

Kate is so defeated that her hand doesn't even come up to try and touch you to see if you are real. She is so convinced she is hallucinating.

It is only when your hand comes up and touches her face that she lets out a gasp and a sob. She cries out your name, waking Caitlin.

Caitlin blinks a few times while she sits up. Her hands come to rub her eyes, trying to get them to unblur from all the built-up tears that had fallen.

She smells you before she sees you. Feeling a sense of peace wash over her before more tears are falling. She still hasn't seen you kneeling right in front of her. Kate is sobbing into a pillow - in shock at who is before her.

Your hand comes up to Caitlin's and she jumps, removing it from yours. Tears begin to roll down your face as you can't imagine the living hell she has been through these last few days.

"Caitlin," you say in the gentlest tone. Her head whips up, eyes finally meeting yours.

At first, her eyes flash with rage. Not rage at you but rage at herself for initially believing you are there. They are then in shock - not comprehending the sight in front of her. Her heart stops as she says your name.

Your hands come to her face as you caress both of her cheeks.

"They said you were gone," Caitlin says in disbelief. tears streaming down her face as her hands come up to yours. "They found your tags." Caitlin really doesn't know what to say. She still doesn't believe you're in front of her until she hears you speak again.

"I promised I would come back to you, when have I ever broken a promise?" You say as you bring her in for a kiss.

AN: Welp here it is - let me know what you think! And as always, thank you for your love and support 🤍

[hurtspideyparker]

An Unexpected Irondad Christmas 🎄

Peter was having a very boring Christmas.

May was working a 12 hour shift, all his friends were busy with their families, and the streets were too quiet to patrol.

It seems even criminals have a conscious.

While the presents under the tree were strictly off limits, May did let him open his stocking on his own. Therefore his special Christmas breakfast included a hot chocolate bomb and microwavable bacon, his lunch a festive green and red gummy bear salad, and dinner... he was honestly a bit sick of sweets, so box mac and cheese it was.

Peter is browsing channels for a good Christmas special while the water boils when a knock booms through the apartment.

Peter frowns, remote hanging limply in his hand while he tries to recall if he's expecting someone. Sometimes Ms. Hacket from down the hall gets lonely and comes for tea.

The knock sounds again, more impatiently, and Peter sets the remote down to answer the door.

He opens it a crack and then freezes.

"Mr. Stark?"

He's in a nice coat, long and black with a collar and three buttons. His hair is fluffed up with specks of white, and his dark sunglasses have droplets of water from the melted snow.

"Hey kid. Merry Christmas. Or Hanukkah. Or... whatever. Happy holidays."

Peter opens the door more fully now. He can see that Mr. Stark is holding something, several plastic bags stuffed heavily.

"Merry Christmas to you too. Um, I didn't get you a gift or anything, was I supposed to?"

Tony looks down at the bags in his hands like he forgot they existed.

"Oh. No, definitely not. This is a funny story actually. Y'know, I have this big Christmas dinner at the tower every year, beautifully catered food, all my friends around a big table, Pepper makes this delicious coffee cake for dessert. We drink, stuff our faces, the more drunk of us sing stupid holiday songs. It was really nice actually, considering most of us don't have families to do that stuff with."

He looks wistful, eyes not in the present.

"That... sounds really nice Mr. Stark," Peter says when Tony spends too much time lost in thought.

"Yeah. Well, the band broke up this year, all my friends are gone, or hate me, or both. Pepper's in Florida with her parents, who also hate me, especially because of all the on-again-off-again stuff, so I definitely wasn't welcome there. Rhodey can't travel with his injuries. And I—" he breaks off into a laugh, hysterical and whining, "forgot to cancel the catering order!"

Peter stares at him with wide eyes. The man only falls further into laughter, but the glisten in his eyes is anything but joyful.

Eventually he calms, straightening up and showing off the bags in his hands, "I have so much food, really nice, expensive, well done food for a big family of super humans and spies, and I'm completely alone! I even offered Happy a Christmas bonus to stay and eat turkey but apparently he actually has family—"

"You bribed Happy?"

"Christmas. Bonus."

He holds out the bags to Peter, "anyways. You're a growing boy, your aunt seems hardworking. You guys deserve nice food so. Here. You take it."

Peter's hands hesitate to reach out but Tony simply dumps the bags into his twitching palms anyways, the boy nearly dropping them from the unexpected handoff.

"It's untouched. There's turkey, ham, ribs, three types of potatoes, green bean casserole, cranberry sauce, extra gravy for Nata—uh, feta bites, balsamic glazed carrots, peas, corn, stuffing, fresh baked rolls... you get the idea. Just didn't want the food to go to waste and I know your aunt can't cook to save her life so. Actually, where is she? Should probably be an adult and say hello."

Peter stares in amazement and intimidation at the bags in his hands. He can now see they're full of food containers, dozens of them.

"She's not home. Holiday pay is pretty good so she's at work."

Tony takes his sunglasses off, blinking at the kid.

"Oh. So you're alone? That's depressing."

Peter has to bite his tongue so he doesn't point out the older man's much lonelier, much more depressing predicament.

"Yep. I don't mind that much, I'll see her later tonight and open presents. I've just been watching movies. And thank you so much for all this food Mr. Stark, you didn't have to think of me."

"It's no problem, really."

They both stand there for a moment. Tony looks around as if the chips in the door frame are paintings at Le Louvre, and Peter stares at the man with his awkward posture and red marked hands from carrying all the heavy food.

"Did—did you want to come in?"

"I suppose I could spare a few minutes," Tony answers without delay, shoving past Peter into his home.

Continue reading on AO3 ☃️

[spacesapphi]

HES Trio Headcanons (the third)

That's right guys, another one (my brain is rotted). These three live in my head rent free

some the Shane ones are sad again, sorry

Elliott

-had a pet hermit crab as a kid, he's always been a friend of the crabs!

- prefers fancy, decorative candles to scented ones. The prettier the better!

- trying his best to make his room look like Howls from Howls Moving Castle. That clutter of beautiful trinkets is exactly what he wants for a setup

- loves wearing his hair in braids, but is terrible at doing braids on himself. He usually asks Leah

- Willy is like a father to him. His bio father was not a kind man, and Willy is everything he wished his father could be and more

- Willy taught him how to fish too, and he's actually pretty good at it!

- very into a "method acting" style of writing, as in he'll live like a character he's trying to write for a while until he feels like he can realistically interpret them in his writing

- faked a British accent for about a month in middle school because he thought it sounded very sophisticated and artsy

Harvey

- won't tell anyone, but he enjoys little Saturday morning cartoons now and then. It reminds him of the moments of joy he felt when he was little and he cherishes that

- tried to shave off his mustache once and seeing how he looked without it scared him so bad he vowed not to do it again. It looks so bad 😭💔

- wears that Ebenezer scrooge lookin nightgown and cap unironically, swears that it helps him sleep better

- lactose intolerant and has a gluten allergy. He doesn't like cheese and baked goods because of it, they make him really sick

- that being said, if u made/bought him gluten free stuff he would act like he owes his life to you

- once he was at the library at the same time Penny was tutoring the kids. It was during free reading time and Vincent told him he looked like a character in the book he was reading. It was Geronimo Stilton. Harvey has still not recovered from that

- really wanted siblings as a little kid but never had them, so he created an imaginary friend for himself and pretended to go on aviation missions with them

- has a lil gap between his front teeth, he gets a bit shy about it, but it's cute when he smiles and you can see it

Shane

- I changed my height headcanon, bro is 5'3 now

- his ENTIRE family is very short, his mom and Marnie are 5'0. Jas' parents were tall though so once she's older she's absolutely towering over Marnie and Shane

- had very long hair before taking in Jas. For many reasons, especially maintenance, he's kept it short since adopting her

- Him stealing food from Joja is a habit built from necessity, from the time before he moved back in with Marnie. He got to the point financially that he was often stealing food for him and Jas, because he was often forced to choose between groceries and paying rent.

- he's not a vegetarian, but he refuses to eat chicken specifically. Everytime he tries, he just can't bring himself to do it. He loves chickens too much

- even then, he still ate very little. Stealing was risky and he wanted to make sure Jas was given what she needed first. He always had her eat first, and would eat whatever she didn't, like crusts or veggies she didn't like. The night he moved back in with Marnie was the first time he had an actual meal in about a year

- After he starts recovery, he tries to be better friends with Penny given that she's Jas' teacher. She isn't very interested in being close with him, but he still tries to be friendly

- has an arsenal of dad jokes at the ready at any given moment, you are not prepared for how corny this man gets

- forever salty that LEWIS of all people is beating him on the junimo kart leaderboards

- He and Sam have a workplace besties kinda relationship. They still stay pretty good friends after Joja closes, Shane goes to all of his bands shows to show support

- the only festivals he really cares about are the egg festival, luau and Stardew valley fair. The rest he'll go to because it makes Jas and Marnie happy, but those three he has a passion for

[rah1457]

what the hell do you MEAN its finals week and i dont have anything done of COURSE i have stuff done.

erm....

anyway back to the subject matter at hand. WOMEN *boom sfx*

_______________________________________

you reached the end of HALL OF with ease, leaping and dodging past the flames. as you slowed to a jog, you exhaled with relief. you were barely sweating, and considering the fact that you were being chased by an actual line of FIRE, that was pretty damn good.

The woman on the catwalk gazed down at you with a small smile. Inside her heart was a swell of pride that showed its face every time she noticed you, and you alone, beat the insanely hard obstacle course. she had taught you well.

"Mach! Gonna let me up or what?"

Silently she extended her massive red hammer down to the victory platform. Grabbing onto the end, you were swung onto the catwalk, with a landing that was anything but graceful. you groaned from the collision, coming to your knees.

"Damn, could you even be a little gentler with the swing? Every time I get up here it feels like you're gonna slam me into the wall..." you complained.

"Takes momentum to gather the force to get up here, don't blame me," Mach shrugged, although you noticed a teasing lilt to her tone.

"Yeah, whatever," you grumbled, "How do YOU even get down there anyway? Do you just jump?"

"Stairs," she pointed to a door you hadn't noticed until this very moment.

You deadpanned.

"We had STAIRS. and you continue. to swing me up. on your HAMMER. AND YOU DIDN'T THINK TO TELL ME?!"

"You never asked," a small smirk appeared on her face.

You scrunched your face and walked into your shared home. The smell of nutmeg and vanilla calmed your senses. It was from a candle that you had bought for Mach a while back, as a sort of thanks for letting you stay with her. She lit it every day.

Calling the building a "home" was a bit of a stretch, considering it was actually an abandoned facility. But, you pondered, home is really about the people you come to associate it with anyway. You didn't know how Mach came to own this place, but you didn't really want to question it much. What you DID question was the severe lack of furniture. In the "living room" there were two large chairs in the center, with a plain tan rug underneath them. That was it.

...you really needed to get Mach to an outlet store or something.

"Hey. I have some food, if you're hungry," Mach called to you from the "kitchen", a small room comprised of a fridge, a microwave, and a table with three chairs.

"I'm down," you stated as you sidled over to one of the chairs. it was your designated chair, as Mach was too tall, and Pilby was too short to comfortably fit. Speaking of which, you wondered where Pilby was at this hour. Probably on the elevator. They seemed to enjoy it there, despite the constant sad aura that seemed to hang over them like a cloud.

Mach pulled out the leftover mac n cheese from your previous night's dinner and put it in the microwave.

"Did anything happen on the elevator that I should be aware of?" she asked, looking back at you.

"Nah, everything was pretty normal," you replied.

"Hm," Her eyebrows were knitted together, displaying an emotion like confusion, concern, and focus all in one.

"What's up? It seems like something's bothering you,"

"Listen. I'm more than happy to have you here. I quite enjoy your company, actually. However..." She paused, trying to find the words, "I often wonder if you ever want to go home. Or, well, to the place you were before you showed up on the elevator,"

"I mean, I can't really remember it anyway, so what's there to miss?" You shrugged coolly.

You could still recall the day Mach found you unconcious in Rock Park, passed out in front of a bench. Everything before then was a little fuzzy, to be honest. You remembered some friends, and that you indeed had a life before entering the Regretevator, but every time you tried to think about details of the people you knew before, it mostly came up blank. Sometimes you wondered what they were doing now. You never stuck on it though.

Mach looked at you for a second before nodding and setting out two plates. You began to eat, while she sat. Her heel tapped the hardwood floor, a rare sign of anxiety.

"No, seriously, what's going on, Mach? Was your day just stressful or something? Do you want to talk about it?" It was unusual for the stoic woman to be this...nervous.

"I...I just know what it's like to not be able to see your family again..." her words came out almost like she was fighting with herself to even say them, "Are you sure you're alright?"

" 'bout as good as I can be!" You tried to be lighthearted, since Mach looked like she was having some serious war flashbacks.

She had told you a bit of her past, and you had pieced some of it together yourself, but the main gist you understood was that she had lost someone very important to her. and you feared that she lost that someone in a not very nice way.

"Okay...If you do ever want to... talk about it, I'm...usually nearby..," Mach shook herself out of her trance.

"Thank you, Mach. I mean it," you replied genuinely.

She stood without a word, looking deep in thought. You wondered what must have come up within her to make her feel all this at once. Must not have been pleasant. Suddenly you remembered something.

"Wait, I have a gift for you!" you called after her.

"Hm?" She turned to make eye contact.

You pulled a Katkot out of your pocket. Luckily it hadn't been burned by the incinerator.

"What flavor is it?" She squinted to read the label, " 'Gleebzarp lemon' flavor?"

"Yeah, Gnarpy gave it to me. Said xe hated this flavor," you beamed with pride.

"Oh. Huh,"

"Do you wanna try it with me...?" you added a lilt to your voice, to make it sound like it would be a fun experience. In all honesty, it was probably going to taste awful.

"Would I ever," a smirk graced Mach's usually blank countenance.

You excitedly unwrapped the candy bar and gave her half. You both cringed. It did taste awful. But it didn't really bother you, because the smile on the broken woman's face was worth more than a thousand good chocolates, so to speak.

You recalled that sometimes the greatest (and worst) things in life are best shared with someone else.

________________________________________

(A/N): Hi there! I would like to add some additional info regarding this fic. I am a writer who likes to keep their characters as close to the canon as possible, while still writing a decent story with a decent "plot". As such, it's canon that Mach is aromantic and asexual. Now, that isn't to say that this cannot be read as her having romantic feelings for you, but I would just like to note that the way I intend this is that it's more leaning torward platonic. It should also be noted that AroAce individuals, including characters, each express their sexuality in different ways. I don't mean to break any Mach fans' hearts, I just wanted to put this out here.

The reason I say all this is to justify calling this fic an "x reader". Typically the term implies romance and/or sexual attraction, but as I just said, this fic....doesn't include either of those. I apologize if you were looking for a steamy makeout session with Mach.

Oh and also if you like this and my other lil writings I have a bunch more ideas and I'll probably be posting more info on a small "series" I might be doing very soon.

[wh0re43van]

Just friends- (Peter Maximoff X Reader)

Summary: While staying with the Maximoff family, you admit your feelings to your best friend, and he doesn’t seem to feel the same until you inform him that you’re going on a date with another guy

Word count: 4K

Warnings: angst, sad Peter, a brief mention of Unsolicited groping

I’m so thankful for the Maximoffs. They’re allowing to stay with them for a couple months after getting kicked out of my parents’ home. I’m rooming with my best friend of four years, and I’ve never been happier. As soon as he heard about my situation, he welcomed me into his home- into his bedroom- with open arms.

“Honey, I’m home,” The goofball announces as he walks into our temporally shared room holding two pizzas, a 2 liter of dr. pepper, a bag of breadsticks with all the fixings, and a rented copy of The Exorcist.

“Wow, what’s the occasion?” I giggle, sitting up in our his bed, setting down the book I had been reading.

With a fwp, he’s turned down the lights, popped the movie in and arranged the food at the foot of the bed before sitting beside me, now in his pajamas.

“It’s a party!” he gives me a cheesy grin, popping open the pizza box and pulling out two slices, handing one to me.

“Oh god, Peter are we really so lame that this is what we consider a party?” I laugh before taking a bite of the greasy pizza, still hot since Peter was able to get it here in less than three seconds.

“This is the best kind of party! Hanging with your best friend, piggin’ out on junk food, and watching a bitchin’ horror movie? What else could a dude ask for?” He says as he stuffs his face, licking his greasy fingers. I cant help but laugh at the man child sitting beside me, even though it hurts my heart a bit knowing that he only considers me his friend. Don’t get me wrong, I’m more than grateful for Peter (and his mother) being in my life, but I just always hoped for more. It’s been four years and nothing’s escalated despite my many attempts, so I guess it’s time to accept that. I mean, we’re out of high school now, were adults. If he hasn’t shown interest by now then I guess it’s a lost cause. “Besides,” he smacks his lips, wiping his mouth on his sleeve. “The main thing that makes this a party is the fact that you’re here,” he gives a goofy wink, making my cheeks tint pink- but he doesn’t seem to notice.

“How flattering,” I nudge him playfully before opening the 2 liter, taking a sip out of the bottle then handing it to Peter. He mimics my action, then lets out a loud belch.

‘how in the hell does this man have me absolutely smitten over him,’ think to myself as he shoves an entire breadstick into his mouth.

“Whatever,” he chuckles looking away for a second.

“God damn Peter,” my eyes go wide when I see that he’s already eaten half a large pizza.

“What?” he asks as he holds his head up, his arm extended as he lets the cheese slide off the crust into his mouth. “Gotta fuel my metabolism, these rock hard abs don’t just appear overnight,” he snickers before lifting up his shirt, revealing his toned stomach, then takes another gulp out of the soda bottle.

“I guess your body does look pretty good for someone whose diet is 50% carbs and 50% sugar,” I tease, thanking whatever deity it is above us that the lights are too dim for him to see the blush rushing over my face as I stare at his bare stomach.

“You’d think the chicks would be all over this,” he wiggles his eyebrows before deepthroating another breadstick. “They wouldn’t know charm if it bit ‘em in the ass,” he mumbles through a mouth full of bread as marinara sauce drips down his face. “I mean come on, how do I not get girls?” He snickers as he wipes his grubby hands on his pants. I roll my eyes at the messy boy.

“Peter, I know you very well,” I reach for my second slice of pizza. “The reason you don’t get girls is because you can never tell when they’re flirting with you,” I tease, but meaning every word. He’s the dullest guy ever when it comes to picking up on social cues.

“I know,” he chuckles as he turns to look at me. “Real shame too. Sometimes I realize it after they’ve already walked away. Sucks cause I probably coulda’ lost my V-card by now if I understood the first thing about gals. I really can’t pick up on flirting” he says matter-o-factly as he takes a sip of soda.

“Oh, I know all too well, Peter,” I laugh out, my eyes focused on the tv screen. He gives a soft, almost confused laugh, then he’s silent for a minute before speaking up.

“Wait a minute,” he sits up straight in the bed. “Are you implying that even you’ve flirted with me?” he asks with wide eyes full of skepticism. I take a deep breath, sitting up to be eye level with him.

“Peter,” I start, he’s staring intently at me with his brows threaded in confusion. “The only reason I talked to you for the first time was because I thought you were cute,” I laugh out. How can he be so dense?! He stares at me in bewilderment in silence. I can see the gears turning in his head as he thinks back to our first encounter all those years ago.

“Oh my god!” he comes to the realization. “You were flirting with me that summer day in the arcade?” he asks still shocked. It makes my heart happy that he remembers the first time we met. “How did I not realize. God I’m stupid,” he slaps his palm to his forehead.

“Only took ya four years, Quickie,” I tease before taking a sip of Dr. Pepper. “Wasn’t the very first thing that I ever said to you: ‘You’re really good at that, handsome’?” I say and he repeats the quote with me, smiling and nodding. He remembers it word for word. “Come on man, how did you not know?” I chuckle. His eyes are still full of disbelief.

“I was really focused on the game!” his face turns red as he has another epiphany: “That probably wasn’t the only time, was it?” he asks, rubbing his hand on the back of neck, letting out a small laugh.

“God no,” I chuckle, a bit embarrassed but enjoying reminiscing on our friendship none the less. “Remember, two weeks after that, I invited you out to go roller skating?” I ask.

“Yeah of course, you were wearing that limited edition ‘Eagles’ shirt that you still to this day won’t let me touch,” he laughs. I thought that having this conversation would help me get over him, but hearing how well he remembers all our fondest memories together makes me swoon.

“Well, when I asked you, I meant it as a date,” I admit, watching his face once again fill with bewilderment. “But the whole time you were calling me dude and roughhousing me, I just assumed you either didn’t like me that way or you were to dumb to realize it was a date. Lucky for you, I had a lot of fun and chose to ignore it,” I nudge him playfully. He face palms himself again.

“Y/n, I had no idea. I never in a million years thought a girl as rad as you would be interested in me in that way, so the idea of a date never even crossed my mind,” he flops back on the bed, processing all of this new information. “Wait do you still flirt with me? How oblivious have I been? Oh my god am I still missing stuff?” he shoots back up in the bed once again..

“Peter,” I say flatly. “Just last week I changed right Infront of you. I literally stripped into just my bra and panties right next to the tv when you were playing Space Invaders,” I can’t believe this guy. He blushes thinking back to that moment.

“I thought we were just really comfortable with each other! We change infront of each other all the time,” he chuckles nervously. “I still tried not to look out of respect, but I’d be lying if I say I didn’t sneak a glance or two though,” he admits but looks away, avoiding eye contact.

“It’s alright Peter,” I sigh as I close up the pizza box before laying back to watch the movie. “Once a girl comes along that you’re actually interested in, I’m sure you’ll pick up on her signals,” I say not looking at him, accepting my defeat. He’s quiet for a moment.

“Well, how do I know?” he asks genuinely. I look at him, raising my eyebrow, waiting for him to elaborate. “Like, obviously I know a hot chick when I see one, but how do I know when I’m actually interested. I’m clueless y/n,” he lets out a light laugh after the last part, seeming a bit embarrassed as he intently awaits my answer.

“Well,” I prop myself up on my arm to look at him. “I guess it would have to be more than physical attraction. If you’re genuinely interested, then you’ll want more than her body, but also want more than just her friendship. You’ll want to talk to her, to just be in her presence. You’ll care about what she thinks about you. Stuff like that,” I shrug, not sure how to explain what attraction feels like to someone who claims to have never felt it before. He nods silently, absorbing my words. The fact that he hasn’t laughed in my face yet for admitting to liking him is giving me false hope that he could possibly feel the same way. I need this conversation to end soon.

“So it would have to be someone I can see a future with? Someone that I want to impress? Someone that I genuinely care about? But also someone who’s super smokin’?” he asks, wanting a genuine answer. I smile downwardly.

“You’re getting it now,” I sigh. “I’ll be jealous of whatever girl wins your heart over,” I laugh, holding my breath in anticipation for how he’s going to respond to that, preparing to have my hopes crushed so I can move on.

“Oh don’t worry,” he smirks. Here we go. “I’ll make room for the both of you,” he winks. And there it is. My stomach drops, but it’s out now. Now I know that he’s not interested, I know for sure that I’m going on this date tonight. Part of me hoped that Peter would admit his feelings and I could cancel this stupid date, but I have to get out there. “Oh! No, y/n I didn’t mean-” Peters smile drops, and he reaches for my arm.

“No, I get it. It’s cool, man,” I force a smile, standing from his bed, checking my wristwatch. “I gotta get ready for my date anyway. I didn’t even realize what time it was,” I say honestly as I walk over to my suitcase.

“Woah, what?” he zooms in front of me, blocking my bag. “Date?” he asks, a bit of panic in his voice. I scoff, pushing him to the side.

“Yeah, I went to the arcade yesterday while you were out with your mom, now I have a date,” I smile weakly as I strip, then slip into my dress before I walk over to my mirror that I hung on his wall to fix my makeup.

“No- y/n- i- that’s- who… whos your date with?” his words fall out a stumbled mess as if he can’t sort his thoughts from one another.

“Steve. Ya know, the one from the arcade that’s always trying to beat your high scores,” I explain as I brush my hair.

“Steve!?” He shouts in disbelief. “That asshole? Y/n come on, man!,” he almost sounds angry.

“Yeah?” I shrug as I apply some lip gloss. I see Peter pacing behind me in the reflection of the mirror.

“Steve? Really?” he throws his hands up.

“He’s cute. Plus, you know I have a thing for nerds,” I remind him. His face turns red. Why is he acting like this? He just crushed my dream of being with him and now he wants to act jealous?

“Cute?! You mean you’re not just going to be nice?” He sounds so shocked and almost hurt. I turn around to face him.

“I- of course Peter why would I-,” I’m completely flustered. “No.” I say sternly. “No Peter. You don’t get to do this. You had four years man, and just 15 minutes ago I admitted my feelings for you and you said that you didn’t feel the same,” I’m getting frustrated with him, I can feel my blood pressure raising out of anger and embarrassment.

“But that’s not- I didn’t- no you misunderstood!” he starts to raise his voice, laced with panic. “What if I do have feelings for you?” he asks with pleading eyes.

“Do not do this. Peter please don’t do this to me! You can’t suddenly have feelings for me just because I have a date with you nerd enemy!” I shout as my ears burn red with anger. “Don’t be immature,” I poke my finger to his chest, completely irate. He looks like his mind is running a thousand miles a minute. It takes him a couple seconds to rebuttal.

“No! I never said I don’t have feelings! Y/n I didn’t say that!” he shouts, but his voice isn’t angry, it’s worried as he places a hand on my heated cheek.

“No Peter,” I say calmly even though I’m beyond frustrated as I pull away from his touch. “You’re really hurting me right now. You’re the last guy I ever expected to fuck with my emotions like this,” tears well up in my eyes. I can’t believe what he’s doing. My ego was already bruised when he didn’t respond to my confession and now he’s trying to keep me from a date just because the dude plays video games just as well as him. Peter stares at me, his hand still outstretched in the air where he tried to console me. He doesn’t say anything.

Honk! Honk!

Steves car horn sounds from outside the Maximoff home, beckoning me.

“Please don’t go,” his voice is feeble. “Please just give me some time to think. Just five minutes to figure this out,” he pleads with desperate eyes. I almost give in, but I stay strong.

“Peter, there’s a guy outside this house that already has his feelings sorted. You stay here and figure it out. I’m leaving,” I seethe as I stare at his confused and hurt expression, almost making me apologize, but I’m too hurt and embarrassed. He doesn’t say anything, he just grips his fists so tight that his knuckles turn white, his jaw clenches, and I see that he’s holding back tears. I immediately turn to run up the steps because if I look at him for one more second, I would be holding him in my arms, telling him I’m sorry and letting him cry it out. Not today.

•

•

After Steve picked me up, we went to dinner, then to the drive-in theatre. I’m having… a decent time. He’s a little boring compared to Peter, no one can make me laugh like he can. I’m also a bit distracted at how I left my best friend. I think I may have been too hard on him. Now that I’ve calmed down, I think he really was just trying to sort things out. I know that Peter isn’t the most emotionally mature and definitely doesn’t have a way with words.

‘oh god, what have I done?’ I think to myself in horror.

“What do you say, huh?” Steves deep voice shakes me out of my thoughts.

“I’m sorry,” I smile sweetly. “What was that?” I bat my lashes at him, hoping he doesn’t notice that I’ve been thinking about another guy the whole time he’s been speaking to me.

“I said: Why don’t we move to back?” he smirks motioning towards his back seat.

“Uh,” I know exactly what he’s alluding to. Do I really want to go down that road? “Yeah, okay,” I smile. I guess I do. We get out of the vehicle and hop into the back. He immediately pulls me into his lap. I’m a bit taken back by his sudden grip on my body.

“You ever been touched by a real man?” he asks as he peppers kisses all over my neck as his cold hands slip under my dress without even asking. I’m shocked, disgusted, and confused.

“I-uh- can you stop please?” I pull arm out of his grip and crawl out of his lap.

“Hey, I paid for your food and your ticket. You owe me!” he shouts, grabbing my arm again. I have so much pent up rage from earlier, I didn’t even realize it when my hand shot out to slap him across the face full force. He looked at me stunned before getting out of his car, opening the door and literally throwing me out. He picks me up by shoulders and tosses me onto the dusty, bare, dirt. He drives away without a single word.

“What the fuck,” I mutter to myself as I stand up, brushing the dirt off myself. A young man from the next car over rushes to the scene, asking if I’m okay. I simply thank him for his concern, then take the walk of shame back to Peters house.

Now I remember why I waited for Peter for so long; He’s the only decent guy I’ve ever met. As if the silent, cold, horrifying walk back to the Maximoff house at midnight wasn’t punishment enough, once I arrive and enter his bedroom, the sight I see makes my heart break completely in two. I feel physical pain when I see Peter.

His room is dark as he’s laid on his couch, curled up In a blanket, staring at the starter screen on his Tank video game on the box Television. The flashing light reflects on his blank face, allowing me to see his bloodshot eyes, red nose, and puffy lips from crying. He hasn’t seemed to notice me enter the room. My own eyes immediately fill up with the tears I was trying so hard to hold back.

“Peter,” I let out a somber whisper. He jumps up, looking at me with wide, puffy eyes.

“Are you crying?” he zooms up to me, grabbing my arm. “Did he hurt you?” he asks, putting a hand on my cheek. How can he still care about my feelings after how I left things?

“I’m okay Peter,” I lean into his touch. “I should have listened to you, though. You were right about him,” my tear stained eyes meet his. His face flushes in anger.

“What did he do to you? Is he still here? I swear I’ll kill the guy!” He raises his voice with every sentence, balling his hands into fists.

“It’s- I, uhm, would rather not talk about it,” I look down avoiding his gaze.

“Y/n, did he hurt you, yes or no? That’s all I need to know,” He gently lifts my chin to meet his gaze again but I close my eyes. I can’t look at him with out the guilt from making him cry making me feel sick.

“…Yes,” I Whisper, not wanting to elaborate. With a fwp Peter’s gone. I hear the front door open, I rush out to the sidewalk.

“Where the fuck is he?” Peter screams in a tone that I rarely hear from him. He turns to look at me, his once sad expression now pure unfiltered anger: A look I’ve never seen on him before. I’m almost scared.

“He’s not here Peter, I had to walk home from the drive in,” I sigh. Peter looks at me as if he doesn’t believe what I’m saying. He kicks the neighbor’s trash can in anger. With a loud clang, the metal bin is sent flying down the street, his foot mark now permanently indented in the can.

‘Steve’s lucky he isn’t here right now. Jesus Christ’ I think to myself.

“Let’s just go inside, please. I need to talk to you,” I say softly as I grab his tensed arm. He looks at me, his expression softening before he allows me to lead him inside.

I bring him in and sit him down on the couch, it’s silent for a few beats, neither one of us want to look at the other one.

“I’m sorry,” we both blurt out at the same time, snapping our heads to look at each other. The awkwardness subsides as we smile at each other. We both try to start our apology at the same time, then erupt into giggles.

“Let me go first,” I put a light hand on Peters knee. He shakes his head ‘no’.

“No. I’m going first. I finally got everything sorted out,” he takes a deep breath. “Y/n, I do have feelings for you and I’m sorry. I’m just a stupid boy that never learned how to process emotions. You’re amazing! You’re my best friend and I feel so horrible that I hurt you. When you were explaining what it felt like to be attracted to someone, you just explained word for word how I feel about you. I was just confused, everything happened so fast, and I honestly thought you were joking with me at first. I’ve always kind of had the hots for you, but I never in a million years thought that you could ever be attracted to me, so I locked those thoughts away. I’m sorry that I couldn’t express this sooner. I’m so so sorry,” he says in a rush of words, I almost have trouble keeping up with the words coming out of his mouth. His big brown puppy eyes scan my face for my reaction. I just smile at him, tears once again swelling in my eyes for about the third time tonight.

“Peter, you’re such a sweet guy,” I grin and his face beams with joy. “I was such an asshole to you earlier… I’m sorry. My ego and my heart were hurt and I should not have taken that out on you. The way that you still cared about me when I got back from that awful date even though I had upset you right before I left just shows how amazing of a person you are. You are the best thing in my life,” a tear rolls down my cheek, Peter quickly wipes it away.

“Hey, come here,” he says softly before pulling me into his chest. As he pulls me into his strong arms, the scent of his cologne and the warmth of his body makes me forget about every problem I’ve ever had. The steady rise and fall of his chest and his fingers running though my hair could put me to sleep in an instant. “I don’t blame you for anything. That situion just unfolded really poorly and we both said some things we shouldn’t have, but that’s over now,” he kisses my forehead as I snuggle further into him.

“Thank you, Peter,” I yawn as I wrap my arms around his torso. He continues brushing his fingers through my hair and tracing mindless designs on my back, I feel myself drifting off to sleep, all the stress I had been feeling now completely subsided. I lay in his arms, wrapped in comfort as if he’s a warm towel straight out of the dryer. I hear him whisper,

“Goodnight, beautiful,” as he clicks off the tv with the remote. A small smile creeps onto my lips as I slip off to sleep.

[seltzer-tastes-pretty-good]

Some Pico, Darnell and Nene headcanons

-Pico stims by scratching the side of his gun with his thumb. In the events he's without a weapon, he'll just scratch his own palm.

-Darnell is the smartest among his friend group. He also serves as most of his group's impulse control.

-Nene has a mild case of spectrophobia. Her bathroom mirror is covered up by a hand towel, and she'll generally avoid rooms with mirrors unless she needs to.

-Pico has a small hard drive connected to his PC. on it, contain a shit ton of sfw files of various flash pieces, mostly from Negrounds, as his own private archive. His long standing grudge at Adobe for killing flash is, thus far, unsatisfied

-Darnell, whenever he's home, will put on one of those "ambient fireplace noises background noise" Youtube videos. He can't really sleep or even relax without one of those playing

-Nene was really big on the show '1000 Ways to Die' while it was still airing. She bought a bootleg 'complete series DVD' of the show once.

-Pico's favorite food is macaroni and cheese, Darnell's is onion rings and Nene's is cinnamon toast

-Pico and Darnell spar kind of a lot. Sometimes when angry, sometimes when just bored. Darnell is usually the one to patch both of them up afterward

-Darnell usually walks Nene home at the end of the day, once the three are done hanging out. He's mostly just wanting to make sure she doesn't try to hurt herself on the way back. Pico tags along too, just in case anyone else tries to jump on them. Safety in numbers and all that.

-Nene can and will run her mouth off to anyone to listen to her special interest, seals. Usually, that person is Pico. He doesn't exactly care for the animal, but he hates not having any noise going on, to keep any bad thoughts away

On their relationship with Boyfriend (when not hired to kill him at least):

-Boyfriend and Pico, of course, dated for a bit of time, having met when BF was on an unguided tour of (read, broke into) the Newgrounds hq. The two hit it off pretty good, at least, at first. Boyfriend found Pico's contract killer life a bit too much for him, something that gave him a mild case of insomnia. Pico, having experienced what he did and having never forget what it did to him, agreed he didn't want BF to go through what he did and agreed to break it off after they talked it out. He didn't exactly feel he could leave the life behind, anyways, what would his friends say?

-Darnell and Boyfriend get along great. The two of them follow each other on Soundcloud at least, and they often hang out. The two actually collabed on a song. "Fresh - Boyfriend Mix" - which was a gift for GF.

-Nene, as soon as he heard BF and Pico broke up, immediately went like, "Oh, you want me to kill em then?", something Pico had to correct pretty fast. BF thankfully went by unharmed, mostly, but still gets a little nervous around Nene. Pico assures him that Nene won't just up and kill him without reason, but BF likes to play it a bit more cautious. She does love her knives after all.

On their relationship with Girlfriend:

-when the ex of your lover is still their friend, things can usually be a bit contentious, but GF doesn't want it to be that way. This is why she's usually super nice to Pico whenever he's around. She's usually the one to pay for stuff when she, BF and Pico's crew hang around, rich parents and all. Pico finds it a bit odd, but isn't gonna just turn down her hospitality. He does find it odd, though, that BF broke up with him because his lifestyle was too much...and then went on to date a demon.

-Darnell and GF both have a mild fascination with fire, so they usually bond over that. Sometimes, they go out back to her family's trash pit just to throw shit in and watch it burn. Boyfriend sometimes joins as well, but he has a bit habit of leaning too close in and getting his hat caught on fire.

-Nene and GF are fairly good friends. The two hang out a lot for 'gal's nights out', where they chat about their friends, family, and usually just watch shit on Newgrounds together. One special time, GF was going on about how BF and GF protect each other, and Nene mentions her contract killer gig, and brings up if anyone wanted to hurt Boyfriend. Girlfriend shut the idea down there, stating 'if anyone tries to hurt boyfriend, their not even gonna have time to smell his breath before I come in to take them out.' Nene was all, 'heh, yeah right. I'm sure if I wanted, I could kill 'em', Girlfriend wanted to challenge that, something that Nene agreed to and, no less than twelve hours later, Nene woke up in a hospital bed from the fight she tried to start with her. Thankfully, GF agreed to pay the medical bill.

[planerot]

Radiator Spring residents ranked on how trustworthy they are in the kitchen

(All these are intended to be humanized headcanons, but can be interpreted however you like. Also, quick content warning for food and a brief allusion to mold)

Flo - She literally owns a diner, (I did some googling and turns out, even though it's called Flo's V8 café, it's a diner. The disneyland website describes the IRL version in car's land as a 'Route 66-inspired diner' ) she makes the best food in town no questions asked. She's the one who makes everyone in Radiator Springs their birthday cakes and dinners each year, and has their favorite flavors and foods memorized by heart. If she catches wind that someone in town in feeling under the weather, that person will have a big pot of soup delivered to their doorstep before the end of the day. She is also very good about keeping her workspaces extremely clean due to the health and safety standards that come with running a diner. 10/10, she is the best by a very large margin.

Doc Hudson - During Doc's earlier years, back when he was still racing, he was a very mediocre cooking. He made stuff that was incredibly bland, boring, stupid easy, or a combination of all three. After his accident and moving to Radiator Spring, he was kind of forced to learn to make more interesting meals after eating nothing but mac and cheese, sandwiches, breakfast foods and other such things for a month straight and growing positively sick of it (because we all know his self isolating ass would NOT want to accept any invites to eat or, god forbid, risk accidentally socializing while at Flo's when he was fresh off a life changing crash). He, overtime, forced himself to learn how to actually cook and thus accidentally became one of the most talented cooks in Radiator Springs, second only to Flo.

Guido - He spent a lot of time in a tightknit, small Italian village, living with Mama Topolino, I feel it's very likely he picked up some tips, tricks and recipes during his time there. The vast majority of what he knows how to make is Italian food, but so long as he has a recipe, I think he could make anything.

Luigi - Basically the same as Guido. Only reason I put him below Guido is because he doesn't have the basically super human reflexes and motor control Guido has, thus making him more prone to spills and mess in the kitchen.

Red - The issue with writing any headcanons for Red is that he's more a gag then an actual character. I did a bunch of digging on his wiki page and all of it can be summed up to 'He likes flowers, is a firefigher and incredibly sensitive'...so I worked with that best I could. I think he'd be pretty decent at cooking since firefighters usually take turns cooking for their team, so anyone in that career usually has to learn to cook something actually edible. Red likely learnt how to cook during his very early days of firefighting before he moved to Radiator Springs. His dishes are definitely simpler, but that doesn't mean he can't make some very tasty, filling dishes. He takes enjoyment in serving his food to others and absolutely will burst into tears if someone insults his cooking.

Lizzie - Lizzie is the stereotypical baker grandma. A lot of the recipes she makes are pretty old, but that doesn't make them damn tasty. Her memory issues make baking a bit harder, but she still manages just fine. Baking helps keep her up and moving, even if it's only in her kitchen

Sally - She's never really had a knack for cooking and does her best from what people have taught her through the years. She can make a lot of really good pasta dishes, but other then that she doesn't really excel at anything.

Sheriff - Incredibly average. He's more the type to get food from Flo's or buy prepacked stuff then he is the type to actually make himself anything. When he does actually bother, all the stuff he makes is pretty good but absolutely nothing to write home about. He's more the type of person someone asks to pick up groceries for a meal then actually make the meal.

Fillmore - 100% more a baker then a cook. He first picked up baking to make weed brownies and ended up really enjoying the whole process. His recipes are very hit or miss though since he likes trying to make his desserts more healthy in some way. Sometimes this means they just taste a little off, and sometimes this means they taste like he just tossed sugar and cocoa powder in a bowl with some dried hay and baked it. He is also a hazard in a kitchen since he sometimes he gets munchies while high and will completely forget stuff in the oven, thus leading to multiple fire alarm scares.

Ramone - God bless his heart, but this man can barely cook. Flo has tried to teach him, but he just cannot seem to quite get it, often burning things, adding to much seasoning or accidentally forgetting ingredients. He loves spending time with Flo in the kitchen, so he gets relegated to vegetable peeling or pot stirring, which he very happily does because it means he gets to hang out with his amazing wife. The one thing he does excellent at is decorating. It took him a couple tries to get the technique down, but he is an amazing cake decorator, his years of painting cars meaning he has a scarily steady hand and very keen artistic eye. Flo always lets him decorate the cupcakes/cakes when she makes them for people's birthdays and they always turn out gorgeous.

Sarge - The issue with Sarge is that he refuses to toss anything out. He isn't good at cooking at all. That man does not give a shit how black his scrambled eggs are or how his chicken wings could probably be used as bricks, he will eat them. Whenever someone asks why he eats obviously terrible food, he just says something about how this is nothing compared to how terrible food was in the military. He's grown an iron stomach and hates wasting food even when it would probably be better for his health just to toss out the suspiciously fuzzy loaf of bread.

Lightning - He has mostly lived his adult life living off of fast food, microwave dinners, canned soup and whatever he can eat when people invite him over for dinner. He could probably be a very competent chef if he was taught how to, but he is a bit to embarrassed to admit it to someone else.

Mater - Do not let him near a kitchen he WILL burn it down. For the love of god he is clumsy as fuck and will somehow seriously injure himself or anyone if left to his own devices. He likes the idea of cooking for himself and his friends, but in practice it usually ends with either a fire, a hospital visit, or some horrid combination of both.

[docholligay]

How do you plan for the meals of the week? I find coming up and deciding what to do for dinner is the hardest part.

here's how I do it!

So, usually Saturday or Sunday--more often Sunday--I sit down in between work and chores and decide: What am I going to make this week?

I look at a couple things before I menu plan:

What's in the fridge?

What's in the freezer?

What is the weather going to be?

Am I working late any nights/is anyone going to be gone/do we have any events?

Then, i get started! I actually haven't done the menu for the week, so let's just do it here!

So this week I have chicken thighs left over from fonjew, and I'm also very busy, so it has to be something I can do quickly and easily. Beeb is very excited about the new knife set she got tonight (more on this later) and wants to help by cutting something. There's no day this week that's particularly hot or cold.

Okay then, we'll make chicken tacos. It's easy, it's quick, she can help me cut up all the things we'll need for garnishes and a side salad. I have tortillas, cheese, sour cream, tomatoes--all I need to grab is some lettuce, maybe.

wednesday night is the last night of hanukkah, and I already bought a rib roast for that. Easy peasy. I have shrimp, we'll do surf and turf. Maybe I'll make fondant potatoes, those are easy but fancy and beeb can use her peeler. Okay, so i have duck fat, butter, garloic chicken broth, seasoning. Just need to get potatoes. I have broccoli and caulifower--bake that with the leftover cheese sauce from fonjew. Dessert is ice cream made from the failed rosace l'orange.

Still have chicken thighs, will still be busy. So let's look at what else I've got in the fridge. I've got a big caesar salad kit. I'll do a marinated chicken thigh served with salad. It's boring, but this is a boring week culinarily.

friday, shabbat. i bought a bunch of chicken breasts on clearance and precooked them, we still have a ton of broccoli and carrots, so we'll make chicken and dumplings. I have onions, chicken broth, wine, flour, baking powder, milk. I think the only thing I might need is celery. I've got a caramel made, I think i'm gonna make a chocolate caramel crunch cake. I've got butter eggs, cocoa, flour, sugar. I think that'll be fine. I might need to go get more butter for frosting.

Saturday everyone is going to be on their own because i am not doing JACK SHIT.

so my shopping list is: lettuce, potatoes, celery, butter (possibly). I don't always have fonjew, so I don't always have a fucking BEVY of ingredients already at my disposal, but I do fill my freezer with clearance stuff.

So there we are! I did not this week, because I am so busy, go through the recipes I've highlighted as wanting to try, nor have a I pushed the boundaries of my skills, really--well, that caramel crunch cake is a bit of an undertaking I guess. Anyhow.

This is what I do! A lot of it is just experience, and the only way to get experience is to keep at it. Just pick a day to sit down and at least do the next three days!

I should add I got a lot of this experience and information out of necessity. I lived a fairly lean life, in some parts of it, and it made me very good at looking at the food I had and knowing I could make something of it. I'm a pretty good "chopped" style cook. And now I'm pretty alright, but old habits die hard, and I think being the sort of person who knows how to take leftovers and make food is a good thing indeed.

I find just opening a document and getting started to be the hardest part of the whole thing.

[z-h-i-e]

The Reality of Responding to Comments Left on Fanfiction

Or, a rebuttal to a Tumblr post I was going to comment on, then thought, why not just start a whole new post?

So I happened upon a post recently which compared not replying to comments to not holding open a door for someone.

Firstly, I want to point out, I'm in the midwest of the US of A. Even during the middle of covid, when people were very careful about touching things, we are so trained to open doors, we were still doing it. Hell, we try to hold open doors for each other when it's an automatic door.

Commenting back to comments, though. In theory, sure, very nice to do. In practice, no. That's the short answer; buckle up for the long one.

It's February of 2020. I'm already starting to suspect shit in the world is going down soon--while everyone else is watching the impeachment here like it's the next big reality TV series, I'm stocking up on canned goods, cereal, and cheese. (Yeah. Cheese. I'm from fucking Wisconsin. I had a mini fridge just for cheese. Judge me. I can take it.)

Once a month, during those 'pre-pandemic' days, I would take one long lunch hour -- I would use comp time, I'd drive out to Panera, I'd sit in the area upon which I based part of Salgant's house, and I'd answer comments. It was a happier time. I had time to do it. It was nice to go through all the interesting things people noticed or the bits they liked. Hell, I even like a good flame--keeps me warm, lets me roast a few marshmallows, and then I go fucking Feanor in Formenos on them. But I digress.

That was the last time I had a chance to do that. Because then, and sorry, forgive me if this is new information, but there was a fucking worldwide plague that occurred. And during that catastrophic world event, not all of us recovered to a point where we're back to normal yet. I don't know about the rest of you, but wondering each day if I'd ever get to hug my parents while they were still alive? Kind of stressful. See, my father has major medical issues (kidney failure and on dialysis, cancer survivor three times over, osteoporosis, diabetes, diverticulitis, and sleep apnea), and my mother has a few doozies, too (COPD, macular degeneration, also a cancer survivor, and a whole fucking messed up thing with her spine). With all the concerns of previously mentioned plague, the doctors at the time advised that no one else was to go into their house until there were viable covid vaccines. I would come over, drop off groceries and medications on their porch, close the door and call on my phone, then air hug from the street thirty feet away.

I remember all the stuff I did to try to keep my brain happy. I watched my way through 'If Google was a Person' and 'Epic Rap Battles of History', over and over. I found museums who had 360 views to pretend I was on field trips, and I found a bunch of virtual rollercoasters to 'ride' on. And I listened to Hamilton so many times if it was vinyl I'd have worn a hole through it.

I had coworkers who died from covid. People who seemed generally okay, people I would not have thought would be hit so hard by it. We lost several pets since 2020--two dogs, two cats, and a rabbit. In the case of our beloved Trotter, who went through more surgical procedures than I can recall, I would have to hand him off to a technician, then sit in the car for three or four hours, wondering if he would be okay, if he would feel better afterwards, if he would wake up after each procedure, if his already damaged heart could take another.

I had my share of medical bullshit throughout the past nearly five years. The big 'well this is bullshit' of them all is that I had a pretty good life plan going, along with 'we all going to do all the things to try to make a smol human in the 2020/2021 range' and, well, let me tell you folks, as soon as pandemic got volleyed around, that was a big nope. That nope was followed by so many additional 'did my warranty expire?' moments, but I have to say, the highlights of the instant replay real would be the intercostal muscle tear which has still not healed completely correctly, so it is physically painful to push a grocery cart around in a store for more than thirty seconds, the whole episode when my pancreas decided to stop working for a hot minute but it was covid city in the hospitals so I was sent home with meds and a 'best of luck' sort of thing, and the secondary infection when I did eventually catch covid despite so many precautions (funny enough, from my father when we finally had the first in-person Christmas again in 2022--so, while the concern was I could end up giving it to him, he ended up giving it to me).

But the most frustrating, the most enduring, has been my failing vision. When I was 8, and at a public school for the first time, they did vision screenings, and realized 'wow, this one does not see well'. Now, in theory, someone should have figured that out sooner -- I had jabbed myself in the eye no less than three times (possibly more) that I remember before the age of five from accidentally getting things too close to my face. So glasses and I have been pretty tight now for nearly four decades. But it was during the pandemic that I started to think I must have been dealing with some strain from computers or needed a new prescription or something. Words were far more difficult to read. I would sometimes stare at pages in books or on the screen and just see...nothing, really. (Kind of not helpful in my profession.)

I went years with terrible distance vision, but great vision up close. Now that had failed, too. But it wasn't just that. At least with distances, I could still generally see things. Up close--sometimes yes, sometimes no. So I kept getting tested and retested and asked questions and went to different doctors and described things--

--and finally, sometimes, you find someone who listens, and wants to figure it out, and does. And then you have an answer. But answers don't always mean solutions. And when I asked how we fix it, I got an answer, but not a solution.

The answer is, I can't.

And to the follow up, will it get worse, that answer is, maybe.

But it won't get better.

So as I'm still processing this, having days where I want to write but can't even see the words, I think about all of the stories I still don't have posted on AO3. I think of things on floppy disks--not just the hard floppy disks, fucking floppity floppy disks, where the only backup is on dot matrix printer paper--and I think about things that are handwritten, and stories on old flashdrives, and the words from the musical that got me through the pandemic play through my mind.

Why do you write like you're running out of time?

Because.

I am.

I'm not the biggest fan of mortality--I fucking write about elves, friends. Elves, and more elves, and after that, a few additional elves, just in case. I've rooted myself in Valinor, for the most part, over the last few years.

I am very aware that I am more likely than not on the downward slope of life's journey at this point. For anyone who has ever been sledding in the midwest during winter, you know you go way faster on that downward slope.

So I've got some pretty solid goals in mind. I have stories I need to finish. I've got art and other things I want to make. I have items I want transferred to a place that stands a decent chance of still being around when I'm not, or when I'm not able to do the moving of things anymore, from personal websites I have. I completed one really big accomplishment over the summer--I sat down and wrote my scientific paper on the Silmarils. I really wanted to get that written, and I'm very happy I did.

I've lost too many fandom friends over the past five years. People I'd known for decades, people I knew by their legal names, people I'd exchanged mail with and in some cases met in person.

So, I'd like to go back to the Panera days of having a sammich and one of those salads that are practically dessert because it's more than half fruit and take a few hours each month to answer comments. Trust me, there are no awards for four digit unanswered comment boxes. If there were, I'd have seen one by now. Every comment is immensely appreciated. They make me think about things, and reconsider things, and sometimes sneak in a character or two based on what someone says.

And I'm hoping that someday, maybe when I'm retired or at a point when I'm able to get down to working just one job or something, I'll be able to get back to the older comments I haven't answered yet. But right now, I've got a few other higher priorities in life.

Today was my father's 69th birthday. I suppose I could have answered a few comments today, but instead, after working a ten hour shift, I went to hang out with my dad--which is basically just us sitting and talking, but it's amazing because I spent so many sleepless nights over the past few years wondering if he and my mom would make it through the worst of the pandemic.

I regret nothing.

I hope that for now, you can take my word on the door opening. In fact, this morning when I got to work, I got the door for someone, then I noticed a moth on the ground that looked a bit dazed like it had just gotten itself out of a spider web, so I bent down and I managed to get it onto my finger so that no one stepped on it, then I walked back down to where there are plants and grass and deposited the moth (who at first wanted to crawl about on me, which I allowed for a moment before getting it safely onto a leaf) then came back up again, saw to a large cricket so that no one stepped on it either, and finally got in. Please accept for now the sharing of stories as the holding of the door the first time; I'll try to get it for you again if I can later on, when I'm on my way out--but I have some business to finish inside first.

[spandexinspace]

It is done. Overall I'd say the game is a 6-7/10 something. It's fun, but it lacks substance at times and nuance all the time. Thoughts and stuff and probably spoilers under the cut.

I still think the lack of carry over from previous games not called Trespasser was a mistake. There are things in the game that should have been affected by what happened in the others and the game dances around them with absolutely no elegance. And they choices you do make aren't all that important in my opinion.

Another change that didn't really work for me was the reduced party size. It didn't break the entire experience, but I could have handled three of them and it would have spiced up interactions.

I ended up like the combat once I got used to it. It's quite easy to cheese once you get some ways into it though. I'll reply it at some point in the future to see if I think it works as a mage too, since that feels like the class that should be the most affected by the reduced number of abilities/spells.

Other pros include the soundtrack, soundscape and visuals. I like the art style and the environments are very impressive and may have burnt a hole through my GPU. The general plot worked well, especially the endgame, but I thought it got a little fractured towards the middle and wasn't a fan of all the companion quests. I like how they tied in to the plot, but some of them just weren't good.

I'm having a hard time really pinpointing what the issue with the companions is. They're not particularly flawed, which I think is part of it, but other than that there's just something missing. They're funny and sometimes emotionally interesting in other ways, but they're not the DAO or DA2 crew. Davrin and Emmrich are the standouts of the cast, Neve is fun, Harding and Bellara are fine and Taash and Lucanis are not.

I'm still absolutely obsessed with Evka and Antoine though. NPCs and couple of the year. I really hope we get to see what the Grey Wardens look like under their less strict and traditional leadership. And maybe now we'll actually see an end to the calling now?

Neve and Lucanis was also a pretty fun ship, despite my not really enjoyment of him. People should be normal about it.

I absolutely loathed how much this game pulls the "Rook you have to pick" choices. The previous games would at least occasionally have a "do whatever the fuck you want" option that seemed slightly connected to your companions' development. There should have been more of that because why am I making life-altering decisions for all these people.

But the elephant in the room throughout the entire game is its treatment of previous lore and nuance. There are so many exclusions and retcons that don't make any sense and/or seem to exist only to simplify the narrative or make it more appealing to a general audience. In some ways it reminds me of how DC currently treats its lore, which isn't a good sign when you're a game series of four games and a pile of mildly canon extra material, and not a comic book company with several dozen monthly books.

It's weird that the oppression of elves is suddenly not an issue anymore. That no one isn't even casually bigoted towards them now. People are claiming that it's because we're not in the south anymore, but everything we saw before this game seemed to indicate that at least parts of the north were even worse than the south. Slavery has at most been illegal for 8 years, it shouldn't be like it never even existed.

I'm disappointed by how the Crows were handled too. Even if what Zevran said wasn't true for everyone there ought to still have been at least some kind of reference to how people like him were treated. Lucanis mentions hardships, but nothing close to the 11% survival rate and random mental abuse. I still think a plot line that explored the difference between Lucanis' more privileged position and that of less fortunate Crows could have been interesting. But really, anything that doesn't just portray them as goody two-shoes local heroes would have been nice.

But overall the game just seems to suffer from a lack of nuance. Things are bad or good and shades of grey need not apply.

Another weird thing is how much and quickly Bellara blames herself (and sometime tries to blame Davrin and elf Rook too) for the things the ancient elves did. It also felt like the game didn't really allow you to push back against that idea too much. I'm not sure if it's intentional commentary, but if it is it's poorly done. Especially if it relies on elves suddenly not being oppressed.

The endgame was really good and tight. Solas' plot was well-done, more so than any other subplot in the game, and sometimes quite emotional.

The future teaser was... interesting. Magisters? Those from beyond the sea? Did it show up if you didn't collect those circles?

I'm not sure if the game will even get a sequel, but I hope it does and that it's a bit more nuanced than this. I expect a more major time and/or space jump for that one though, so how closely married to the lore it'll even have to be remains to be seen.

Also Zevran, Fenris and Josephine were still ROBBED.

[rgr-pop]

okay international working womens weekend daytime luncheon in my home for maybe 7-10 people, one week from today

nobody i really need to impress. if anyone confirms gluten free or dairy free i’ll fine tune, otherwise everything is always baseline meat free and nut free (with the option for me to throw in some tinned fish from my pantry)

snacky/salads vibe, maybe dips

for sure doing:

lemon poppy seed loaf. i REALLY want to do sally’s new lemon poppy seed muffins but i’d need to get a new muffin tin and we’re 📢 not doing too much

cardamom strawberry jam bars (craving cardamom stuff all the time)

pretty sure i can do both of the above without buying anything; although i’d have to make the jam from frozen strawberries (i want to pan anyway)

really want to do MOCKTAILS. i wouldn’t mind investing in a few staples for myself anyway. i think i for sure will get orange juice and and a sparkling juice— PLEASE RECOMMEND ! what would be a good second mocktail or some ingredients to buy? especially because i have several interesting bitters, including chocolate. and i could put out tart cherry juice i have, and i’ll make a pitcher of iced tea. oh maybe i should make iced chai from scratch 🤔 in any case this is where i’ll spend most money

central offering will be a bean dish, either a bean salad (WHATS THE BEST ONE YOUVE HAD?) OR (hot dish) the bean ziti smitten kitchen posted which… i want to do this. is it 📢 doing too much? yes. But. she said.. if i did i’d have to do bread with it, which makes me nervous (i don’t have good bread instincts)

if i go with SK i’ll have extra basil for a veg salad. it seems too early for the typical basil salad uses so i’d have to brainstorm. my go-to would be a carrot salad and a smashed cucumber salad, both of which are options but wouldn’t go that well. this would be a good time to try doing the viral salad seasoning pasta salad - should i…

i will for sure make japanese potato salad because i have a ton of kewpie to use up. in fact i may need to make a second kewpie salad

if i were going the dips route i’d the lauren toyota’s vegan nacho cheese but i’m just not inspired

a typical go-to spread for me might be the spicy sour cold spaghetti noodles from woks of life with carrot salad and cucumber salad and maybe marinated tofu but it doesn’t feel like the vibe

eta you know what, i have dates and am craving goat cheese dates, i should add those to the menu. i was going to avoid any fussy assembly but these would be worth it

i reaaally need to actually budget this because even though it’s arguably chapter business i can’t get chapter money (which i expected). the plan was to make asking for financial support (maybe $35 in food) for the women’s section a progressed structure test, but leadership failed structure test one (being willing to speak to us or respond to our communication when we told them we were organizing a womens day event) so i’m back to structure test negative one (them not murdering us)

so my plan is to have three dishes plus 2 sweet ones and all but 1 should be make ahead, and some chips maybe or something like that

however as you know i have a habit of doing too much for this sort of thing lol

[the-ronins-world]

Kate Bishop x Oc Male!

"The three words."

December, 2026.

New York.

It's been about a year since the whole Ronin business around New York with the Tracksuit Mafia, Maya Lopez, and Wlison Fisk AKA Kingpin.. with her mother, Eleanor, being involved, the hiring of a Black Widow assassin, Yelena Belova.

The whole deal with death was after Ian. And out from the other side, Ronin died a second time for good with the help of his father, Clint Barton and Kate Bishop. And the average everyday LARPers.

They managed to pull through, just in time for Christmas in Iowa. Just like his father promised his little sister. Ian was finally back home with his family. Not as an Oni.. but a mortal being.

Kate and Ian have gotten close during the whole ordeal, life and death type of stuff, now dating. They spent time together, knowing their weaknesses and dreams, and love languages.

He feels comfortable with her. He trusts her.

They both understand each other.

Now, today, with a few days before Christmas, Ian starts to make and bake christmas cookies in her apartment since his apartment was burned down by the Tracksuit Mafia. As Lucky the Pizza Dog sits by as he waits a thing of cookie dough like a good boy.

And he has been thinking about her, in how he hasn't told her.. the three words..

"What do you think, boy?"

He says with a smile to Lucky as he gives him a lick of cookie dough on a spoon.

He happily licks the utensil until it's clean as he barks happily.

"Yeah? Good? It's a secret recipe. So shh.."

Ian chuckles as he suddenly hears the front door open. Then Lucky happily runs towards the door and jumps up and down. And barks excitedly.

In comes Kate Bishop herself, the 'World's Greatest Archer' as she calls herself. Or Hawkeye after his father. Or himself.

With a handful of Christmas decorations and two boxes of pizza from their favorite pizza joint. As she's happy in an adorable Santa Hat.

"Hey!"

She says with a bright smile.

As Ian looks at her as he dusts off his hands on the Christmas apron.

"Hi!"

He says with a returning bright smile as he blushes. As they lock eyes as their eyes are the same color.

Blue like the ocean and as deep as it is as well.

"You want to help me, handsome?"

She says with a chuckle as she sees him blush as she knows that he's pretty shy when it comes to eye contact.

As he clears his throat as he nods.

"Yeah.. beautiful. You can carry more than my brother carrying sweets."

He jokes as he grabs the things from her arm, like boxes, strings of lights, hot chocolate mix, marshmallows, and all types of Christmas things.

As she puts on a Santa Hat on him, as he raises his eyebrow.

"I'm not exactly Ol' Jolly Saint Nick?"

She smirks.

"But only Jolly."

He rolls his eyes.

"Hahah."

He says sarcastically.

Lucky woofs in agreement.

"Not you too, Lucky."

As she laughs as she pitches his cheek with affection.

He blushes more as he looks away in embarrassment.

As the night continued, they proceeded to decorate the apartment and set up the tree after Ian wanted a real tree. But after compromise, he decided on it. In their ugly Christmas sweaters, they just got about done with decorations. They do the usual bather and flirtatious wordplay while eating pizza, the usual pepperoni and cheese.

As the white, red, and green lights flicker across the tree and TV stand underneath the monitor..

They watch 'A Christmas Story' with hot chocolate in sleep pants. Like they are about to go to sleep, or just be to be comfortable.

But a comfortable slient comes them, leaning on each other.. as he never felt so much.. peace.

'As long I'm with her.. I'm at peace with.. the world.'

Ian thinks to himself as he looks at her, for a bit, as she falls asleep, with Lucky falling asleep as well.

"...I love you.."

He mumbled softly as he looked at her, and then he looked at the movie.

But unknowingly, Kate smiles through her sleep.

That's what matters to her..

He loves her.

But she replies back in her sleep.

"...I love you too.."

The Archers hit their targets..

Bullseye.

[therantsofawriterrr]

91221

Chapter Two: I Did Something, Jagiya

Summary: Kang Hyunyul has had a good life since he left the Jindo gang. But when he finds out that Do Jin is going to be temporarily released, he's stressed and the return of an old flame triggers familiar feelings and with them, the old memories of the only real thing of his complicated past.

All while she was saving him, literally putting her life on the line.

Chapter Summary: Sujin is intrigued by the deal offer and makes up her mind.

Warnings: Mentions of drug dealing and gang stuff (irdk how cop stuff works ok), not proofread, lemme know if there's something else to be added.

A/N: There's not much Hyunyul in this sorry. Plus sorry for the late update, school has quite literally been kicking my ass.

Sujin and Officer Yojun entered the bustling cafe. It was usually crowded at the time in the evening, so it would be easier to talk without worrying about eavesdroppers.

The cafe was a quaint little place which was famous in her neighborhood. As they both walked in and sat on a corner booth, there were waiters and waitresses walking briskly up and down the place, taking orders and serving the customers. A few lights were on as the sun had not set completely, coloring the sky outside in pretty hues of pink.

"What would you like to have?" One of the waitresses asked, a little notepad in one hand and a pen in another.

"Just a black coffee, thank you," he said with a warm smile. The waitress jotted down his order and then turned to Sujin.

"Did you have lunch?" She asked, pointing the pen at her with a worried glare. Sujin nodded, hoping she wouldn't ask what she'd had, because she'd only be whacked over the head.

"Did you actually have something? Or did you just eat an apple and called it lunch?"

She winced and as she'd expected, she got a harsh tap at the back of her head, which made her topple forward in her seat a bit, her hands clasping the side of the table.

"I'll get a coffee and three cheese sandwiches. If you don't eat all three of them, I'll stuff it down your throat," she said, looking more like a mother when she was only twenty three years old.

Officer Yojun however, had a grin on his face as he witnessed the exchange. "Your neighborhood must really care about you, huh?" He asked when the waitress had walked away, grumbling about her friend not eating properly.

Sujin nodded with a smile and said, "They're all my mother and I have had for a long time."

Yojun nodded in understanding too. "I get it. Even in my neighborhood, they used to be very particular about me and my family. It's good to have that."

Sujin sighed and wringed her wrists on the table. "So, you said you have a deal for me?"

Yojun nodded again and said, "I think Do Jin is going to start dealing drugs soon. We need to catch him before he starts. We don't need another drug dealer in these streets."

Sujin's eyebrows furrowed as she fiddled with her hair in thought. "So you're saying that I become your informant," She said, more of a statement than a question. He sighed and she could see his shoulders tense as he leaned back into the brown seat.

“I can go a different way about this, so think about it very well. Do what you think is best for you,” he said, his expression and tone very serious. She got a good look at him for the first time. He was a guy with dark brown hair and light brown eyes, eyes that looked like they always held good natured mischief in them to hide something sad.

She drummed her fingers on the table, her leg jiggling. "What would I get?" she asked.

He grinned and placed a bundle of money on the table. Sujin back straightened up immediately, her eyes widening.

"You can't be serious, right?" she asked. "I am completely serious," he said.

She immediately made up her mind. There wasn't any big harm that was going to be caused by it. She'd only be helping the police with catching some criminals.

My salary added to the money from this deal would surely help with Mom's treatment.

She swallowed and said, "Okay. I'll do it."

Yojun's face lit up and his grin widened as he pocketed the money.

"Well, then. Keep in touch. Tell me when you rejoin the gang and we'll meet up here every Sunday in the evenings. Deal?"

Sujin smiled and said, "Deal."

*

*

*

A week after the meeting, or mainly, a week of planning, Sujin walked down familiar paths to Do Jin’s house. It seemed ominous, a few street lights lit up, while some were busted and most were blinking, giving a horror-movie-like feeling.

It made her feel queasy and her stomach was in knots. The evening sky, as always, was pretty in its red and yellow hues. She always thought that the sky was a canvas and some choice colors were just splashed onto it.

She wished she could paint like that, or at least like some of her friends, but she couldn’t draw for her life. But her friends always thought she wrote better. Worlds totally different from the one she lived in, but the emotions were the same.

Hyunyul had left because he'd found his passion. The bass guitar. Most people in the gang thought Sujin left because of Hyunyul. And while that was partly a reason, the primary reason was because of her stories. Her characters, her own fictional world.

She reached Do Jin's hiding place and knocked on the door. There were muffled footsteps on the other side, before the door opened.

He smirked and shifted to let her in. She knew he would. She entered the house, which looked like it’d been robbed, things strewn here and there. The ashtray was filled with cigarette butts and a crumpled can of beer lay on the table. The radio was playing softly in the background. He was only wearing a pair of shorts and a black tank top.

“What brings you here?” he asked. Sujin opened her mouth to reply, but found herself unable to start. She kept silent, forming sentences in her head.

“You don’t need to think so much, you know. I’ll take you back. I could use the extra brains, anyway.”

Sujin’s head snapped up. “I’ll come back in one condition,” she blurted out.

Do Jin scoffed and sat on the table in front of her. Cold eyes bored into hers. “And why should I listen to this condition of yours?” he asked, leaning forward a bit. “ You’re the one who left. I could just break your ankles.”

She smirked and leaned closer till their noses were almost touching. She'd worn her prettiest greenish blue floral sundress for a reason. “I know you like me, Do Jin. You could get something out of it.”

His eyes flit between her lips and eyes, grinning and leaning back, supporting his upper body and placing his palms on the table. “Go on, then.”

“I want you to leave Hyunyul alone. "

Likes, comments and reblogs are greatly appreciated💙

[cursed-elo-images]

INCORRECT ELO QUOTES PART 4

This version contains three quotes featuring Mr. Blue Sky and Mr. Night because I have no idea what I’m doing with my life anymore!!!

p.s.: I should make it clear that these incorrect quote posts are not going to contain an equal amount of quotes as I cannot count that many of them as it’s too time consuming, but I do try to have a good amount of them in a post and that each post has roughly a similar amount of them.

*Melvyn sends more than 5 messages in a row*

Jeff: I ain’t reading all that.

Jeff: I’m happy for you tho.

Jeff: Or sorry that happened.

Jeff: So Mel, how did your first time cooking dinner go?

Melvyn: Pretty good if I do say so myself.

Jeff: Oo! Okay, what are we having?

Melvyn: Alright, so for appetizers, we have a potato.

Jeff: A whole potato?

Melvyn: Yes. And then for the main course, we have grilled cheese sandwiches!

Jeff: These just look like big slabs of black.

Melvyn: Because that's what they are!

Melvyn: And then for dessert, we have chocolate.

Jeff: These are just chocolate chips?

Melvyn: They sure are!

Melvyn: And then for drinks, we have toast!

Melvyn: *lifts up a glass of blended toast* Bon appetit!

Jeff: Bev...

Bev: Oh no, 'Bev' in B flat.

Bev: You're disappointed.

Bev: Jeff, what are you doing?

Jeff: *shaking a cat shaped piggy bank* I’m just trying to figure out how much change I have inside.

Bev: You could always take it out and count it.

Jeff: Where’s the fun in that?

Bev: If there are no questions, we’ll move on to the next chapter.

Jeff: I have a question.

Bev: Certainly, Jeff. What is it?

Jeff: What’s the point of human existence?

Bev: I meant any questions about the subject at hand.

Jeff: Oh.

Jeff: Frankly, I’d like to have the issue resolved before I expend any more energy on this.

Hugh: Uptown Funk would've made it into the Shrek Soundtrack.

Bev: That's the truest statement I've ever heard.

Jeff, on the phone: I better go…kay, call me later… byeeee!

Bev: Friend of Yours?

Jeff: Nope, wrong number.

Bev: ???

Bev: Caffeine no longer keeps me awake while I work, so instead I have Jeff periodically send me texts saying ‘we need to talk.’

Bev: It gives me the right amount of adrenaline and fear I need to keep going.

Jeff: Hugh, I need some advice.

Hugh: You need advice from ME?

Jeff: Yeah, frightening, isn't it?

Bev: Two wrongs don’t make a right.

Hugh: *sighs* That’s true…

Hugh: But two negatives make a positive!!!

Jeff: I wouldn’t put it in those words exactly.

Bev: Why not?

Jeff: Because I don't know what they mean.

Bev: I made tea.

Jeff: I don't want tea.

Bev: I didn't make you tea. This is my tea.

Jeff: Then why did you tell me?

Bev: It's a conversation starter.

Jeff: It's a horrible conversation starter.

Bev: Oh, is it? We're conversing. Checkmate.

Jeff: Hugh, no.

Hugh: Hugh, yes.

Mr. Blue Sky, Hugh & Jeff: *screaming*

Mr. Night: *runs into the room* What's wrong, Jeff?!

Mr. Blue Sky: Wait, why are you asking Jeff that when Hugh and I are also here?

Mr. Night: Because Jeff wouldn't scream unless it's an emergency. You two scream whenever you have the chance.

Mr. Blue Sky: Shh, here comes Mr Night!

Jeff: Quick, Hugh, start talking about boring nerd stuff!

Hugh: You know, nerd culture is mainstream now, so when you use the word “nerd” derogatorily, it means you’re the one that’s out of the zeitgeist.

Jeff: Yes, that’s perfect. Just like that.

Hugh: Where is Mr. Night?

Jeff: I'll do you one better, who is Mr. Night??

Mr. Blue Sky: Here's a better question, why is Mr. Night?

Bev: So you're looking for information on this thing, huh? Well, I feel like it must be from far away.

Richard: What makes you say that?

Bev: If it's something even I don't know about, then I'm sure nobody else must have a clue. So it's gotta be from some faraway place. Impeccable reasoning, isn't it?

Richard: Bev... You don't have a clue about this thing, do you?

Bev: *screams in anger*

Richard: What's that?

Bev: Chocolate.

Richard: What's chocolate?

Bev: Candy. Do they not have candy where you're from?

Richard: Yeah. Grapes, nuts.

Bev: No wonder you're so bitter.

Bev: Richard is not a morning person. Or a night person. There’s really only about seven minutes a day you are fun to be around.

Richard : The best part is you never know when I’m coming.

Richard: Well Bev, I have to say, I'm really disappointed.

Bev: Well, you didn't HAVE to say it. You could've just thought it.

Richard, to Bev: Well, one of us has to be wrong and it’s not going to be me.

Bev: Are you busy?

Richard: Yes.

Bev: Cool, listen to this...

Bev: Just so everyone knows, don't ever try to climb a tree at night carrying a strobe light, owls DON'T like it.

Richard: ...what happened?

Bev: I made a VERY bad mistake.

Bev: *walks to cabinet, removes oreo box, takes half a sleeve, throws empty box out* Hi!

Richard: Hey- what are you doing-?

Bev, shoving an oreo into his mouth: I am saving space :D

Bev: Oh, hey, I didn’t see you come in! You should have come by and said hello!

Richard: Oh! Yeah, I uh...

Richard: Didn’t want to bother you.

Richard: Or talk to or listen to or be around you.

Bev: Man, it smells like wrongdog out here.

Richard:

Richard: Bev, are you alright?

Bev: *sobs*

Richard: Can we talk? One 10 to another?

Bev: I’m an 11, but continue.

Richard: Where did you get that tomato soup?

Bev: It’s actually a bowl of ketchup I just microwaved.

Richard, answering the phone: Hello?

Bev: It’s Bev.

Richard: What did he do this time?

Bev: No, it’s me, Bev. It’s actually me.

Richard: What did you do this time?

Richard: You believe me?

Bev: Richard, you’re the last good person on this planet. I‘d believe cartoon birds braided your hair this morning.

Bev: Any tips on how to make someone like me?

Richard: Try to make them laugh all the time.

Bev: Oh, wow! You actually help me for once, and it's even good advice!

Richard: Yeah, the more they laugh, the more time they spend with their eyes closed, so it'd be easier.

Bev: I literally cannot believe I let you talk me into this.

Richard: I literally said “I have an idea,” and you just went along with it without question.

Bev: Who's in charge here?

Richard, shrugging: Usually whoever yells the loudest.

Richard: Whatever happened to the concept of less is more?

Bev: But if less is more, then just think of how much more 'more' will be!

Bev: Come to think of it… You’ve always been nice to me.

Bev: I mean, you listen to all my problems-

Richard: No, Bev I just simply stand here while you talk, there’s a big difference.

Bev: I made this friendship bracelet for you.

Richard: You know, I’m not really a jewelry person.

Bev: You don’t have to wear…

Richard: No, I’m gonna wear it forever. Back off.

Bev: This is getting embarrassing.

Richard: Getting? We’re already there!

Bev: So uh, for this party and everything, do you, uh...

Richard, sighing: You don't know how to dress for this, do you?

Bev, panicked: WHAT IS CLOTHES???

Bev: I taught my dog, Pongo, a new trick. *throws ball* Fetch!

Pongo: *just stands there*

Richard: He didn’t do it.

Bev: I taught him to ignore social conventions and think for himself.

Bev: COMPANY IS COMING! I WANT THIS PLACE LOOKING LIKE DISNEY ON ICE IN ONE MINUTE!

Bev: RICHARD IF YOU HAVEN'T MADE YOUR BED THROW IT AWAY IT'S TOO LATE TO MAKE IT NOW!

Bev: GET RID OF THE COUCHES, WE CAN'T LET PEOPLE KNOW WE S I T !

Richard: Wow, it sure smells like wrong dog in here!

Bev: Oh buddy...

Richard, already sobbing: ASK.

Richard: Hi, I'm Bev's emergency contact.

Counter Woman: You're here to pick him up?

Richard: I'm here to remove myself as his emergency contact.

Richard: Can I have some?

Bev, mouth full of cheesecake: It's really spicy, you wouldn't like it.

Richard, to Bev: Well, one of us has to be wrong and it’s not going to be me.

Richard: I don’t even have time to tell you how wrong you are.

Bev: Okay?

Richard: …

Richard: …

Richard: Actually it’s gonna bug me if I don’t, so—

Bev: Let's all agree that going up the stairs on all fours is actually the best experience on earth.

Richard: Conversely, going down the stairs on all fours is actually the most terrifying experience on earth.

Hugh: I will beat all of you in Rock, Paper, Scissors. You go first.

Richard: Rock.

Hugh: Paper.

Hugh: *Pulls a glass a water from out of nowhere*

Richard: Where did you get that?

Hugh: My pocket.

Richard: How do you keep a glass of water in your pocket?

Hugh: Skills.

Hugh: .. .----. -- / … --- .-. .-. -.-- (translation: I'M SORRY)

Richard: What's that?

Hugh: Remorse code.

Richard: I'm even angrier now.

Hugh: Why are we friends?

Richard: Poor decisions on your part.

Hugh, acting tough: You guys don't want to mess with me.

Richard: Yeah, Hugh will straight up cry in public. Don't try him.

Hugh: Exactly, I will straight up-

Hugh:

Hugh, tearing up: Richard, why would you say that?!

Richard: Hey, what’s the name of the guy who lives down the hall?

Hugh: His cats' names are Walter and Rose.

Richard: That's not what I asked.

Hugh: That is all the information I have.

Hugh: Go big or go home!

Richard: Please, for once in your life just go home. I'm begging you. Go. Home.

Hugh: I'm going big!

Hugh: Are you busy?

Richard: No.

Hugh: Want to do something?

Richard: Why would you try to ruin this for me?

Hugh: The Ocean is a soup.

Richard:

Richard: Do elaborate.

Hugh: What are needed for something to be a soup?

Richard: Erm... Water, salt, some form of vegetation, and personally I prefer some meat in mine.

Hugh: *Tilts head*

Richard: The Ocean is a Soup.

Hugh: The Ocean is a Soup.

Hugh: *walking around disappointed after visiting an aquarium*

Richard: Hugh, what did you think a tiger shark was?

Hugh: So, I've been thinking Richard-

Richard: That's dangerous.

Hugh, T-posing in the doorway: Greetings, Richard.

Richard, not looking up from his coffee: Good morning, problem child.

Hugh: I regret nothing!!!

Richard: I regret everything!!!

Hugh: It’s quick, it’s easy, and it’s free: pouring river water in your socks!

Richard: Why would I do that?

Hugh: It’s quick, it’s easy, and it’s free!

Richard: I called you like ten times! Why didn’t you pick up?

Hugh: *remembers dancing to the ringtone*

Hugh: I didn’t hear it.

Richard, throwing a pokeball at Hugh: Hugh, I choose you!

Hugh, not looking up from their book and catching it: You need an Ultra ball to catch this Legendary Pokémon.

Hugh: Advice of the day kids, if you ever meet someone who calls Gatorade flavors the actual name of the flavor instead of just the color then they are a certified nerd.

Richard: Yeah but you have to specify, frost glacier or cool blue? You can’t just say blue because there’s more than one blue.

Hugh: Blue and light blue, nice try nerd.

Hugh: And if you have any suggestions, please put them in the suggestion box.

Richard: That’s a trash can.

Richard: Just say when.

Melvyn: When.

Richard: I-

Richard: Now or later?

Melvyn: Oh.

Melvyn: *is visibly upset*

Richard: Melvyn, what happened? I haven't seen you like this since you found out candyland wasn't an actual country.

Melvyn: Hey.

Richard: Hey?

Melvyn: I can't sleep. :/

Richard: I can. Goodnight.

Richard: Melvyn, say aluminum again. It's the entire source of my serotonin during these trying times.

Melvyn: *sigh* Only for you, buddy. Alyoouminnieeum.

Richard: We need a plan to beat them.

Melvyn: Okay, listen up. First, we fill their shoes with wet cat food.

Richard:

Melvyn: Judge me all you want, I get results.

Melvyn: I just got the best idea I've ever had in my entire life!

*Later*

Richard, to Melvyn: That was the worst idea you’ve ever had in your entire life.

Richard: *trying to get five seconds of sleep*

Melvyn, poking Richard’s arm: Richard Richard. Richard. Richard.

Richard: WHAT?

Melvyn: …We’re out of Capri Suns—

Melvyn: Everything’s fine, Richard.

Richard: Melvyn, I know your relationship with the english language is strictly casual, but you- I- *deep inhale* ALLOW ME TO TELL YOU WHAT’S NOT FINE.

Melvyn: I’m not being weird. Am I being weird?

Richard: Yes, and that’s coming from me.

Melvyn: You might not know this, Richard, but I am a flawed person.

Richard: I do know that.

Richard: State your name, rank, and intention.

Melvyn: Melvyn, Melvyn, fun.

Richard: *Turns on the kitchen light*

Melvyn: *Sitting at the table, eating bread*

Richard: It’s four in the morning.

Melvyn: Turn the light back off.

Richard: Am I right, Jeff?

Jeff: I’m almost certain you’re not, but to be fair, I wasn’t listening.

Richard: I ran into Jeff in the kitchen at 1 AM last night and when I asked him what he was doing, he just shrugged, said “these are my roaming hours,” and wandered off, strumming vaguely on his guitar.

Jeff: Don’t be sad!

Richard: Why not?

Jeff:

Jeff: I don’t have a good answer.

Richard: What’s the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite?

Jeff: “Stalagmite” has an “m” in it.

Richard: Everyone knows that Santa is an invention designed by the big five corporations to sell tinsel and video games to an unsuspecting public.

Jeff: The whole “childhood wonder” stage just blew right past you, didn’t it?